Carefully read "Breaking Barriers." Then write a multi-paragraph essay in which you summarize the article. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the article to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Venus and Serena Williams have taken over professional women's tennis, in recent years. Tiger Woods has dominated the professional golf sport. All of these athletes are African-American. Not to long ago all of these athletes would not have even been able to join any professional sports that they are in now, only because of their color. Althea Gibson was the person to break racial barriers for professional sports. Althea Gibson was the first African American to play professional tennis or professional golf in the United States . Gibson played both of these sports.

In 1927 in Silver, South Carolina, is where Althea Gibson was born. Daniel and Annie Gibson were Althea's parents, they worked on a farm. When Althea was three, her parents decided to move to New Your City. Althea grew up in Harlem , this was during the Great Depression. Althea loved basketball and other sports, she played it with the boys that lived near her. Because she was so athletic, people say Althea was a diamond in the rough. Althea won a paddle ball tournament in 1941. People suggested that she should try tennis, and she did.

During the 1940's Gibson began tennis lessons. She won many tennis tournaments. She won ten straight national championships of the all-black American Tennis Association. As for the white tennis events, she was prohibited from playing in them. Many athletes lobbied for Althea, including Alice Marble, who was another tennis champion. Gibson was finally allowed to play in the U.S. National Championship in Forest Hills in New York , in 1950. She was the first African American to compete in any of the USLTA events. She won her first match to Barbara Knapp, but lost to the next opponent in her second round.

In 1955-1956 Althea Gibson traveled to Asia playing tennis on the Goodwill Tour. She had won 16 USLTA matches when she returned, she had also won the French Championships. She became the first African American to win a major title in singles tennis. Gibson made sports history. New Yorkers welcomed Althea with a parade when she returned home. Soon after, she won the National Championship and became top-ranked tennis player in the world. She was chosen Female Athlete of the year by the Associated Press. She won both of the tournaments again, in the following year. Althea Gibson decided to retire from tennis after this.

Althea was a great athlete and at age 31, she became a celebrity. She was just getting started. Gibson wrote a biography, I Always Wanted to Be Somebody in 1958. She made a record album in 1959 and appeared in a movie. The record album was called Althea Gibson Sings, and the movie she appeared in was called The Horse Soldiers. She traveled with the Harlem Globetrotters in 1960 until she decided to take up professional golf. Althea joined the LPGA and became the first African American to play in an LPGA event. She won one game in 171 golf tournaments during a seven year career.

Althea Gibson was a tennis teacher and the athletic commissioner for New Jersey. She became part of the International Tennis Hall of Fame in 1971, and also the International Women's Spots Hall of Fame in 1980. Gibson achieved many things as a pioneer in sports. Althea had broken the barriers for other African Americans. In September of 2003, many people, of all colors mourned from death of Althea Gibson. She was 76 years old.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It shows a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and makes insightful connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea or thesis statement . The essay grabs readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Venus and Serena Williams have taken over professional women's tennis, in recent years. Tiger Woods has dominated the professional golf sport. All of these athletes are African-American. Not to long ago all of these athletes would not have even been able to join any professional sports that they are in now, only because of their color.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully using a variety of methods. References from the text provide specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the thesis statement. The essay effectively avoids plagiarism by paraphrasing the text. All sources used for quotes and facts are credible. (“In 1927 in Silver, South Carolina , is where Althea Gibson was born. Daniel and Annie Gibson were Althea's parents, they worked on a farm. When Althea was three, her parents decided to move to New Your City. Althea grew up in Harlem , this was during the Great Depression.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“ Althea had broken the barriers for other African Americans. In September of 2003, many people, of all colors mourned from death of Althea Gibson. She was 76 years old.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ New Yorkers welcomed Althea with a parade when she returned home. Soon after, she won the National Championship and became top-ranked tennis player in the world. She was chosen Female Athlete of the year by the Associated Press. She won both of the tournaments again, in the following year. Althea Gibson decided to retire from tennis after this.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ During the 1940's Gibson began tennis lessons. She won many tennis tournaments. She won ten straight national championships of the all-black American Tennis Association.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Who was Althea Gibbon? She broke racial barriers in professional sports. She was one of the first women to win ten straight national championships of the all-black American Tennis Association. She also became the first African American to win a major title in singles tennis. But in her remarkable career, she broke many barriers that had prevented people of color from professional sports.

She broke racial barriers in professional sports. She was the first African American to play professional tennis or professional golf in the United States-- and she played them both! But she also won the paddle ball tournament that was held in Harlem . Then after the win she had won one of the people saw her play and suggested she should play or try out for tennis. So in 1940 she began taking tennis lessons.

Althea Gibbon was one of the first women to win ten straight national championships of the all-black American Tennis Association. So then a few years later she won the ten straight national championships of the all-black [APT]. But when she wanted to play in the all- white tennis she was prohibited from playing held up by the US [LTD]. As a girl, Althea loved to play basketball and other sports with the boys in her neighborhood.But because of her athletic ability, Althea was a diamond in the rough.

She also became the first African American to win a major title in singles tennis. But in her remarkable career, she broke many barriers that had prevented people of color from professional sports. For several years, many athletes lobbied for Althea Gibbon, including tennis champion Alice Marble. Finally, on August 28, 1950, Ms. Gibbon was allowed to play in the US National Championships at Forest Hills in New York . She was the first African American to complete in that or any other ULSTER event.

Can you please tell us who is Althea Gibbon? She broke racial barriers in professional sports. She was one of the first women to win ten straight national championships of the all-black American Tennis Association. She also became the first African American to win a major title in singles tennis. But in her remarkable career, she broke many barriers that had prevented people of color from professional sports.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It shows a thorough understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and makes clear connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea. The essay grabs readers’ attention by using an engaging, interesting statement or question at the beginning of the introduction. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“ Who was Althea Gibbon? She broke racial barriers in professional sports. She was one of the first women to win ten straight national championships of the all-black American Tennis Association. She also became the first African American to win a major title in singles tennis.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops ideas fully and clearly, providing specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text. The author summarizes the text effectively to avoid plagiarism. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“As a girl, Althea loved to play basketball and other sports with the boys in her neighborhood.But because of her athletic ability, Althea was a diamond in the rough.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. Transitions are used between paragraphs or between sentences. The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“ She also became the first African American to win a major title in singles tennis. But in her remarkable career, she broke many barriers that had prevented people of color from professional sports.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ She also became the first African American to win a major title in singles tennis. But in her remarkable career, she broke many barriers that had prevented people of color from professional sports. For several years, many athletes lobbied for Althea Gibbon, including tennis champion Alice Marble.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. (“ But she also won the paddle ball tournament that was held in Harlem . Then after the win she had won one of the people saw her play and suggested she should play or try out for tennis. So in 1940 she began taking tennis lessons.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you have any idea who broke the racial barriers in professional sports for African Americans? Althea Gibson broke the racial barriers in professional sports in the 1950s. She was the first African American that was allowed to compete in the U. S. Lawn Tennis Association (USLTA). Gibson was also the first African American woman to win both the All-England Tennis Championships at Wimbledon and the U. S. National Championship. She is also the first one to play in a Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) event.

Althea Gibson first got into sports when she was a girl in Harlem where she played basketball and other various sports with the boys in the neighborhood. Her incredible athletic ability led her to win city tournaments such as the paddle ball tournament that she won in the summer of 1941. From there, Gibson started taking tennis lessons after a suggestion from someone who watched the tournament said that she should try her hand in the sport. Althea won tennis tournaments during the 1940s, and won ten national championships of the all-black American Tennis Association (ATA). In 1950, Gibson was finally allowed to play in the U. S. National Championship at Forest Hills in New York , making her the first African American to participate in an USLTA event.

Shortly after her tennis career, she traveled with the Harlem Globetrotters and took up professional golf in 1960. When she joined the Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) in 1964, she soon became the first African-American to play in a LPGA event. Althea played in 171 golf tournaments in her seven year golf career, but only won one tournament.

Althea Gibson broke the racial barriers in professional sports in the 1950s. She was the first African American to participate in the USLTA and LPGA events. She is also the first one to win both the All-England Tennis Championships at Wimbledon and the U. S. National Championship as well. Many people of all colors follow in her footsteps every day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It shows a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and implies connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea. The essay understands the intended audience adequately. The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The essay has good use of information, but it does not connect ideas to a central theme; for example, how Althea Gibson inspires people. (“Do you have any idea who broke the racial barriers in professional sports for African Americans? Althea Gibson broke the racial barriers in professional sports in the 1950s. She was the first African American that was allowed to compete in the U. S. Lawn Tennis Association (USLTA). Gibson was also the first African American woman to win both the All-England Tennis Championships at Wimbledon and the U. S. National Championship.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, providing ample specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text. Most sources used for quotes and facts are credible. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. The writer provides many good examples of what Althea did in her life, but does not extrapolate a lot of meaning from them. (“Althea Gibson first got into sports when she was a girl in Harlem where she played basketball and other various sports with the boys in the neighborhood. Her incredible athletic ability led her to win city tournaments such as the paddle ball tournament that she won in the summer of 1941.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates a good introduction. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. T he essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Althea Gibson broke the racial barriers in professional sports in the 1950s. She was the first African American to participate in the USLTA and LPGA events. She is also the first one to win both the All-England Tennis Championships at Wimbledon and the U. S. National Championship as well. Many people of all colors follow in her footsteps every day.” )

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ Althea won tennis tournaments during the 1940s, and won ten national championships of the all-black American Tennis Association (ATA). In 1950, Gibson was finally allowed to play in the U. S. National Championship at Forest Hills in New York , making her the first African American to participate in an USLTA event.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Althea Gibson first got into sports when she was a girl in Harlem where she played basketball and other various sports with the boys in the neighborhood. Her incredible athletic ability led her to win city tournaments such as the paddle ball tournament that she won in the summer of 1941. From there, Gibson started taking tennis lessons after a suggestion from someone who watched the tournament said that she should try her hand in the sport.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Who was Althea Gibson? She broke racial berries in professional sports for African-Americans. Althea was the first black woman to ever play tennis, to play golf, and to complete an USLTA event.

Althea was the African-American to ever play tennis. When she was 19 she won a paddle tournament,and one of the people who saw her thought that she had the skill to play tennis. From 1947 she has won ten championships for the all black tennis association. But she had switch to a all-white tennis team. That was one of the things that Althea Gibson had accomplished.

Althea was the first black woman to play professional golf. At the age of 31 she took up golf. In 1964 she join the Ladies Prossesional Golf Association other wise known as the (LPGA). Then she was the first black woman to play in an (LPGA) event. In seven yaers she has played in 171 golf tournments, and she won one of thm.

Althea Gibson wanted to teach other people how to play those sports. Seven years later she wanted to teach kids how to play these sports. She had became a teacher at an athletic club at commissioner for the state of New Jersey . Althea was inducted in the International Tennis Hall of Fame

Now you know who Althea Gibson was. Althea had died in September of 2003.She will always be known for everthing she has achieved. That is my summary of Breaking Barries.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It shows a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and implies a few connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay states a limited central/controlling idea of the essay. In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea and only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“Who was Althea Gibson? She broke racial berries in professional sports for African-Americans. Althea was the first black woman to ever play tennis, to play golf, and to complete an USLTA event. Althea was the African-American to ever play tennis.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with a brief introduction and conclusion. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text. It lacks transitional devices. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The essay provides facts, but there are not enough, considering that the prompt task is to write a summary, and there is plenty of source material to available. (“Althea was the first black woman to play professional golf. At the age of 31 she took up golf. In 1964 she join the Ladies Prossesional Golf Association other wise known as the (LPGA). Then she was the first black woman to play in an (LPGA) event.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with a brief introduction and conclusion and lacks transitional devices. The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the introduction. The introduction includes some background information about the topic. The first sentence of the introduction attempts to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay, but does not recap ideas discussed. (“ Now you know who Althea Gibson was. Althea had died in September of 2003.She will always be known for everthing she has achieved. That is my summary of Breaking Barries.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short. The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions . The style is not formal; t he sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ Who was Althea Gibson? She broke racial berries in professional sports for African-Americans. Althea was the first black woman to ever play tennis, to play golf, and to complete an USLTA event.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has subject-verb agreement, and that verb tense is correct and consistent throughout the essay. (“ Now you know who Althea Gibson was. Althea had died in September of 2003.She will always be known for everthing she has achieved. That is my summary of Breaking Barries.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Althea Gibson was the first African American to partipate in any famous sport or activite she was the only black person to accomplish somthing this achevable.In 1940 Althea began to take tennis classes winning tournamets. From 1947 onward,she won ten straight naional championsips of the all-black American Tennis Associatin.

In 1964 Althea joined (LPGA) she also became the first african american woman to play in any LPGA events.Altha had a seven year carrer in golf played in 171 games winning only one.

In Althea Gibsons later years she had a job doing what she loved she thought tennis classes for the state of New Jersey.She also was inducted into the tennis hall of fame in 1971.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The essay shows an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and makes unclear or unwarranted connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience, because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. There is an attempt to discuss Althea’s life, but it is minimally developed. (“Althea Gibson was the first African American to partipate in any famous sport or activite she was the only black person to accomplish somthing this achevable.In 1940 Althea began to take tennis classes winning tournamets.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific, accurate, and relevant. Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate evidence. (“ In 1964 Althea joined (LPGA) she also became the first african american woman to play in any LPGA events.Altha had a seven year carrer in golf played in 171 games winning only one.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction, as the writer does little to grab readers’ attention. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ In Althea Gibsons later years she had a job doing what she loved she thought tennis classes for the state of New Jersey.She also was inducted into the tennis hall of fame in 1971.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, and t he essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ In 1964 Althea joined (LPGA) she also became the first african american woman to play in any LPGA events.Altha had a seven year carrer in golf played in 171 games winning only one.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“Althea Gibson was the first African American to partipate in any famous sport or activite she was the only black person to accomplish somthing this achevable.In 1940 Althea began to take tennis classes winning tournamets. From 1947 onward,she won ten straight naional championsips of the all-black American Tennis Associatin.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

She was the first African American to play tennis. On August 28th,1950, she was aloud to play at a championship game.

i am going to be telling you a story about a girl named Althea Gibson. She was a famous tennis player. On august 28th,1950 shewas aloud to play at achampionship game.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus while still remaining on topic. The essay shows little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task, and makes no connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea. T he essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. There is no attempt made to put Althea’s accomplishments in any kind of context. (“She was the first African American to play tennis. On August 28th,1950, she was aloud to play at a championship game.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“i am going to be telling you a story about a girl named Althea Gibson. She was a famous tennis player. On august 28th,1950 shewas aloud to play at achampionship game.”)

Organization

The essay shows minimal or no development of ideas, providing virtually no details from the text. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no transitional devices. The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the introduction. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. Th e essay does not include a conclusion, as it only contains three sentences about the subject of the prompt task. (“ i am going to be telling you a story about a girl named Althea Gibson. She was a famous tennis player. On august 28th,1950 shewas aloud to play at achampionship game.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal; sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ She was the first African American to play tennis. On August 28th,1950, she was aloud to play at a championship game.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. (“i am going to be telling you a story about a girl named Althea Gibson. She was a famous tennis player. On august 28th,1950 shewas aloud to play at achampionship game.”)

“Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest”

Carefully read "Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest." Then write a multi-paragraph essay in which you summarize the article. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the article to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest

What is a cassowary? Although they are very exotic and unique birds, many people have no idea what a cassowary is. Cassowaries are flightless, five feet tall birds that populate the rain forests of Australia and Papua New Guinea. According to the article,"[Its] large body is covered with hair-like feathers that resemble a glossy black cape... [In] contrast to its dark body, the cassowary's neck and head are a brilliant blue." Besides beautiful feathers, cassowaries also possess a bony crown, which helped it receive its name-"kasu," meaning "horned," and "weri," meaning "head," combined to form the word "cassowary." A thorough description can be found in an article called "Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest." "Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest" contains many informative details about cassowaries' feeding habits, reproduction, and relatives.

Contrary to physical traits like large size and clawed toes, cassowaries are herbivores. They eat many different kinds of rainforest fruits and have a symbiotic relationship with hundreds of plants. Throughout the year, cassowaries may depend on up to 150 plants to help them survive. These plants provide cassowaries with a food source in the form of fruit. In turn, cassowaries deposit the fruits' seeds all over the rainforest.

Cassowaries are very unlike other birds when it comes to reproduction. After a female cassowary lays one of her many clutches of eggs, the male cassowary incubates them for approximately 48 - 50 days. When the eggs hatch, the male takes what is considered the mother's role-he raises the chicks and educates them, teaching them about survival skills. In the article, the father is said to,"[teach] them how to find food and water." He protects the chicks until a few months pass. When the chicks become more independent, they leave the nest to lead their own solitary lives.

As strange as a cassowary may seem, the species is related to many birds around the world. Cassowaries' relatives, which belong in the flightless bird group called the ratites, live in many places. Ratites include kiwis, ostriches, emus, and rheas. These birds live on many continents, like New Zealand, Australia, Africa, and South America. Although they may have some shared traits, they are not completely alike-cassowaries have a different and unique appearance.

Unfortunately, cassowaries may not be around for long. Habitat destruction, competition, and predation combined may push this amazing species out of Australia's rain forests. Since more than 100 plants depend on the cassowary in "[a] truly interdependent web of life," states the article, the disappearance of the species may have a major impact on other plants and animals. To find out more about the conservation, feeding habits, reproduction, and relatives of the cassowary, read "Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between text and task through a clearly defined controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and effectively completes all parts of the task, leaving the readers with a clear picture of the characteristics and future of the cassowary.

The essay engages the readers in the introduction by very effectively giving some details about the cassowary and preparing readers to hear about cassowary feeding habits, reproduction and relatives. ("What is a cassowary? Although they are very exotic and unique birds, many people have no idea what a cassowary is. Cassowaries are flightless, five feet tall birds that populate the rain forests of Australia and Papua New Guinea. According to the article,'[Its] large body is covered with hair-like feathers that resemble a glossy black cape... [In] contrast to its dark body, the cassowary's neck and head are a brilliant blue.' Besides beautiful feathers, cassowaries also possess a bony crown, which helped it receive its name-'kasu,' meaning 'horned,' and 'weri,' meaning 'head,' combined to form the word 'cassowary.' A thorough description can be found in an article called 'Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest.' 'Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest' contains many informative details about cassowaries' feeding habits, reproduction, and relatives.")

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The thesis statement prepares readers to hear about the habits and characteristics of the cassowary, and body paragraphs provide those details. (" Contrary to physical traits like large size and clawed toes, cassowaries are herbivores. " " Cassowaries are very unlike other birds when it comes to reproduction." "As strange as a cassowary may seem, the species is related to many birds around the world." ) The concluding paragraph includes details about the bleak future of the cassowary in addition to summing up the essay. (" Unfortunately, cassowaries may not be around for long. Habitat destruction, competition, and predation combined may push this amazing species out of Australia's rain forests.")

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. Readers learn about the cassowary feeding habits, reproduction, and relatives in the remainder of the essay. The writer very effectively provides details using the same language as the thesis statement. (" 'Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest' contains many informative details about cassowaries' feeding habits, reproduction, and relatives. ")

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text, using a variety of methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the cassowary's relationships with plants very effectively. The passage makes it clear that plants need the cassowary as much as the cassowary needs plants. The writer very effectively combines the cassowary's herbivorous nature and its relationship with plants in the second paragraph. ("Contrary to physical traits like large size and clawed toes, cassowaries are herbivores. They eat many different kinds of rainforest fruits and have a symbiotic relationship with hundreds of plants. Throughout the year, cassowaries may depend on up to 150 plants to help them survive. These plants provide cassowaries with a food source in the form of fruit. In turn, cassowaries deposit the fruits' seeds all over the rainforest.")

Details and direct quotes from the text explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. The writer uses occasional quotes from the text, which effectively ties the passage to the essay without overusing quotes and language from the passage. (" According to the article,'[Its] large body is covered with hair-like feathers that resemble a glossy black cape... [In] contrast to its dark body, the cassowary's neck and head are a brilliant blue.' Besides beautiful feathers, cassowaries also possess a bony crown, which helped it receive its name-'kasu,' meaning 'horned,' and 'weri,' meaning 'head,' combined to form the word 'cassowary.' ")

Specific information about the roles played by parents is developed very effectively. The writer very effectively synthesizes information from the passage to present a clear picture of the female's role as egg-layer, and the male's role as nurturer. (" Cassowaries are very unlike other birds when it comes to reproduction. After a female cassowary lays one of her many clutches of eggs, the male cassowary incubates them for approximately 48 - 50 days. When the eggs hatch, the male takes what is considered the mother's role-he raises the chicks and educates them, teaching them about survival skills. In the article, the father is said to,'[teach] them how to find food and water.' He protects the chicks until a few months pass. When the chicks become more independent, they leave the nest to lead their own solitary lives. ")

Organization

The organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating details about the cassowary's strange appearance. (" Cassowaries are flightless, five feet tall birds that populate the rain forests of Australia and Papua New Guinea. According to the article,'[Its] large body is covered with hair-like feathers that resemble a glossy black cape... [In] contrast to its dark body, the cassowary's neck and head are a brilliant blue.' Besides beautiful feathers, cassowaries also possess a bony crown, which helped it receive its name-'kasu,' meaning "horned,' and 'weri,' meaning 'head,' combined to form the word 'cassowary.' ")

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas within paragraphs. The writer uses words like "although and "in turn" very effectively. (" In turn, cassowaries deposit the fruits' seeds all over the rainforest. ")

The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. Although the last paragraph of the essay includes details about the cassowaries' bleak future, it also contains a final sentence that points readers to the passage if they would like more details about the cassowary. (" To find out more about the conservation, feeding habits, reproduction, and relatives of the cassowary, read 'Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest.' ")

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the parental roles of cassowaries. The writer very effectively paraphrases and synthesizes language from the passage. ("Cassowaries are very unlike other birds when it comes to reproduction. After a female cassowary lays one of her many clutches of eggs, the male cassowary incubates them for approximately 48 - 50 days. When the eggs hatch, the male takes what is considered the mother's role-he raises the chicks and educates them, teaching them about survival skills. In the article, the father is said to,'[teach] them how to find food and water.' He protects the chicks until a few months pass. When the chicks become more independent, they leave the nest to lead their own solitary lives.")

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. The writer is concise in presenting the details about cassowaries throughout the essay. (" After a female cassowary lays one of her many clutches of eggs, the male cassowary incubates them for approximately 48 - 50 days. When the eggs hatch, the male takes what is considered the mother's role-he raises the chicks and educates them, teaching them about survival skills." )

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. This is most evident with the writer's word choice. (" They eat many different kinds of rainforest fruits and have a symbiotic relationship with hundreds of plants. " " As strange as a cassowary may seem, the species is related to many birds around the world." )

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest" is an informative article that provides facts and information about the cassowary. The cassowary is a large bird that can grow over five feet tall. This article states many interesting facts such as where this strange creature lives. Cassowaries can be found living in rain forests of Australia and Papua New Guinea. They are also ratites, meaning that these birds cannot fly. The main ideas of this article include the cassowary's physical traits, survival, and threats of extinction.

The cassowary's physical traits are the first main ideas that this article includes. Its hair-like feathers are one of the most important physical features. The cassowary's large body is layered with a large cape of beautiful feathers. The blue neck and head of the bird are adorned with red wattles topped by a tall, bony crown. The origin of the cassowary's name came from the crown that topped its head. Three strong and sharp claws cover its feet. Fighting and survival are made possible because of these powerful claws.

The survival of the cassowary is the second main idea that this article includes. Cassowaries basically lead solitary lives. Both male and female birds play an important role in reproduction of their own kind. An adult female's job is to lay several clutches of large eggs each year, while an adult male incubates the eggs and takes care of the young. The male accomplishes this by sitting on the nest for forty-eight to fifty days, teaching them how to find food and water, and protecting them from any harm for several months. There are several close relatives of the cassowary, and they all happen to be flightless birds called ratites. Some of these relatives include the kiwi of New Zealand, the ostrich of Africa, the emu of Australia, the rhea of South America, and the giant moa of New Zealand which is now extinct.

Threats of extinction are the third main idea that this article includes. The cassowary is in great danger of becoming extinct in Australia. The reasons for the cassowary to possibly become extinct are because people are destroying its habitat, cutting down their rain forests for farming, and pigs and dogs are invading. This poor bird is left without shelter and scarce food. The quantity of cassowaries are decreasing because of this. If cassowaries became extinct, there will be a few consequences such as plants dying out. The cassowary depends on plants, and plants depend on cassowaries. More than one hundred plants depend on these birds to spread their seeds. If there were no more cassowaries, the plants would die out. With the lack of plants, our environmental habitat will not be as strong. Because the rainforest is an interdependent web of life, people in Australia are working hard to protect cassowaries and their habitat.

"Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest" is an informative article that explains why the cassowary is a magnificent, strange creature. It provides interesting facts and information on this ratite. Some of which include where the cassowary lives, the beautiful features of this animal, the reproduction of cassowaries, and much more. This article displays that these birds are important to the environment, therefor they deserve to be preserved. Many people in Australia are giving much effort in protecting cassowaries and their habitat. The main ideas of this article include the cassowary's physical traits, survival, and threats of extinction.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.

The essay captures the readers’ attention by providing interesting facts about the cassowary in the introduction. The facts that the cassowary can grow to over five feet in height and cannot fly pique readers' interest. (" The cassowary is a large bird that can grow over five feet tall. This article states many interesting facts such as where this strange creature lives. Cassowaries can be found living in rain forests of Australia and Papua New Guinea. They are also ratites, meaning that these birds cannot fly. ")

Specific information from the text is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. The writer indicates that he/she will be discussing the cassowary's physical traits, survival, and threats of extinction, which is how the writer organizes the essay into paragraphs. Since the prompt task requires the writer to summarize the passage, the focus of the essay is well maintained. (" The main ideas of this article include the cassowary's physical traits, survival, and threats of extinction. ")

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The writer clearly states the thesis and refers back to that language in the body paragraphs. (" The cassowary's physical traits are the first main ideas that this article includes ." " The survival of the cassowary is the second main idea that this article includes." "Threats of extinction are the third main idea that this article includes." )

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses more than one method to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of the cassowary.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. The writer very effectively describes the cassowary's appearance, parenting behaviors, and fight against extinction. ("The cassowary's physical traits are the first main ideas that this article includes. Its hair-like feathers are one of the most important physical features. The cassowary's large body is layered with a large cape of beautiful feathers. The blue neck and head of the bird are adorned with red wattles topped by a tall, bony crown. The origin of the cassowary's name came from the crown that topped its head. Three strong and sharp claws cover its feet. Fighting and survival are made possible because of these powerful claws.")

The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. The writer very effectively establishes the topic of each paragraph, although the language used could be more sophisticated and less repetitious (the first main idea, the second main idea, the third main idea). (" The cassowary's physical traits are the first main ideas that this article includes ." " The survival of the cassowary is the second main idea that this article includes." "Threats of extinction are the third main idea that this article includes." )

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer provides more than adequate supporting details in each paragraph. (" The reasons for the cassowary to possibly become extinct are because people are destroying its habitat, cutting down their rain forests for farming, and pigs and dogs are invading. This poor bird is left without shelter and scarce food. The quantity of cassowaries are decreasing because of this. If cassowaries became extinct, there will be a few consequences such as plants dying out. The cassowary depends on plants, and plants depend on cassowaries. More than one hundred plants depend on these birds to spread their seeds. If there were no more cassowaries, the plants would die out. ")

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. Background information and a strong thesis statement are provided. (" 'Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest' is an informative article that provides facts and information about the cassowary. The cassowary is a large bird that can grow over five feet tall. This article states many interesting facts such as where this strange creature lives. Cassowaries can be found living in rain forests of Australia and Papua New Guinea. They are also ratites, meaning that these birds cannot fly. The main ideas of this article include the cassowary's physical traits, survival, and threats of extinction. ")

Transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used well. The writer leaves no doubt that he/she is writing about the main ideas in the passage. This is an effective method of organization, but the writer could be less repetitious and use more sophisticated language than "first main idea," etc. (" The cassowary's physical traits are the first main ideas that this article includes ." " The survival of the cassowary is the second main idea that this article includes." "Threats of extinction are the third main idea that this article includes." )

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. The writer very effectively provides the title of the passage, some of the important ideas in the passage, and then refers back to the thesis statement. (" 'Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest' is an informative article that explains why the cassowary is a magnificent, strange creature. It provides interesting facts and information on this ratite. Some of which include where the cassowary lives, the beautiful features of this animal, the reproduction of cassowaries, and much more. This article displays that these birds are important to the environment, therefor they deserve to be preserved. Many people in Australia are giving much effort in protecting cassowaries and their habitat. The main ideas of this article include the cassowary's physical traits, survival, and threats of extinction. ")

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. The writer very effectively paraphrases and synthesizes information from the passage. (" Both male and female birds play an important role in reproduction of their own kind. An adult female's job is to lay several clutches of large eggs each year, while an adult male incubates the eggs and takes care of the young. The male accomplishes this by sitting on the nest for forty-eight to fifty days, teaching them how to find food and water, and protecting them from any harm for several months.")

The use of coherent style and tone in the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. The writer identifies the main ideas of the passage in the thesis statement, and then again as topic sentences. The details in each paragraph very effectively support the topic sentence and overall message. (" The quantity of cassowaries are decreasing because of this. If cassowaries became extinct, there will be a few consequences such as plants dying out. The cassowary depends on plants, and plants depend on cassowaries. More than one hundred plants depend on these birds to spread their seeds. If there were no more cassowaries, the plants would die out. With the lack of plants, our environmental habitat will not be as strong. Because the rainforest is an interdependent web of life, people in Australia are working hard to protect cassowaries and their habitat.")

The writer employs good word choice to describe the danger of extinction confronting the cassowary. The writer uses enough of the language from the passage but synthesizes and presents it in a fresh fashion. (" The cassowary is in great danger of becoming extinct in Australia. The reasons for the cassowary to possibly become extinct are because people are destroying its habitat, cutting down their rain forests for farming, and pigs and dogs are invading. This poor bird is left without shelter and scarce food. The quantity of cassowaries are decreasing because of this. If cassowaries became extinct, there will be a few consequences such as plants dying out. The cassowary depends on plants, and plants depend on cassowaries. More than one hundred plants depend on these birds to spread their seeds. If there were no more cassowaries, the plants would die out. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure that all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. There are occasional spelling errors and incomplete sentences. (" Some of which include where the cassowary lives, the beautiful features of this animal, the reproduction of cassowaries, and much more. This article displays that these birds are important to the environment, therefor they deserve to be preserved. ")

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Save the Cassowary!

The cassowary bird is one of the world's strangest birds in the world. The bird needs to be saved from extinction. It is so fascinating to everyone that gets a chance to see it, and lives in the rain forests of Australia.

First of all this unique bird is extremely tall, it doesn't fly, it looks very weird with a bony crown on top of it's head and it's feathers on the body are glossy and look like a cape. The cassowary has strange legs that, are very thick and its toes have long sharp claws which help it protect itself. It actually has a beautiful color on its neck a bright blue color and, also has a cool red gobble that hangs under its beak. Actually, It is so strange, but very beautiful at the same time.

Secondly, the female cassowary bird lays the eggs to have babies. It's the male who actually does all of the work to make sure the babies are born. The male sits on the eggs for 48-50 days, until the eggs hatch. When the babies are born, the dad teaches them how to find food for themselves and live on their own. What's strange about this is that the mother doesn't help out after laying the eggs.

Finally, the cassowary is on its way to becoming extinct in the rain forests of Australia. The rain forests, where they live, are being destroyed for farming. The cassowaries live off of the plants in the rain forests to survive, and they are being cut down. Surprisingly, the plants also need the cassowaries to live and grow because the cassowaries spread their seeds. Without the cassowaries, the plants will disappear too.

Saving the cassowary bird would also mean saving the rainforest, and plants it lives on. Even though this cassowary bird is so odd looking, it is hard not to stare at it and notice how different it is. It is so tall that it is awkward looking, but it is interesting too. Cassowaries are worth fighting for.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and implies connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the cassowary's appearance, behaviors, and threatened existence. Although there is no clear thesis statement to prepare readers for the body of the essay, the writer maintains an adequate focus in presenting the details of the passage. ("First of all this unique bird is extremely tall, it doesn't fly, it looks very weird with a bony crown on top of it's head and it's feathers on the body are glossy and look like a cape." "Secondly, the female cassowary bird lays the eggs to have babies." "Finally, the cassowary is on its way to becoming extinct in the rain forests of Australia.")

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang. The writer presents the information in the passage as if readers are unfamiliar with the passage and the information contained in it. ("Finally, the cassowary is on its way to becoming extinct in the rain forests of Australia. The rain forests, where they live, are being destroyed for farming. The cassowaries live off of the plants in the rain forests to survive, and they are being cut down. Surprisingly, the plants also need the cassowaries to live and grow because the cassowaries spread their seeds. Without the cassowaries, the plants will disappear too.")

The writer makes connections between specific information from the passages and his/her ideas. Summarization of the information does not require the writer to make connections, although the writer occasionally comments on some of the facts/details. ("Secondly, the female cassowary bird lays the eggs to have babies. It's the male who actually does all of the work to make sure the babies are born. The male sits on the eggs for 48-50 days, until the eggs hatch. When the babies are born, the dad teaches them how to find food for themselves and live on their own. What's strange about this is that the mother doesn't help out after laying the eggs.")

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses a predictable pattern of methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and/or direct quotes. Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. Although some of the facts from the passage are omitted in the essay, there are sufficient details to adequately inform readers about the cassowary's appearance, behaviors, and threatened existence. ("First of all this unique bird is extremely tall, it doesn't fly, it looks very weird with a bony crown on top of it's head and it's feathers on the body are glossy and look like a cape. The cassowary has strange legs that, are very thick and its toes have long sharp claws which help it protect itself. It actually has a beautiful color on its neck a bright blue color and, also has a cool red gobble that hangs under its beak. Actually, It is so strange, but very beautiful at the same time.")

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. ("Finally, the cassowary is on its way to becoming extinct in the rain forests of Australia. The rain forests, where they live, are being destroyed for farming. The cassowaries live off of the plants in the rain forests to survive, and they are being cut down. Surprisingly, the plants also need the cassowaries to live and grow because the cassowaries spread their seeds. Without the cassowaries, the plants will disappear too.") Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the relationship between the cassowary and the plants of the rain forest.

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by providing bits of information about the cassowary that interest readers. Readers will want to continue reading to learn why the cassowary is "one of the world's strangest birds." ("The cassowary bird is one of the world's strangest birds in the world. The bird needs to be saved from extinction. It is so fascinating to everyone that gets a chance to see it, and lives in the rain forests of Australia.")

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. ("First of all . . . . " "Secondly, . . ." "Finally, . . .") The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way. The transitions enable readers to follow the flow of the essay, but more sophisticated transitions would enrich the writer's message.

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. The writer does not summarize the main points of the essay, but the essay has clearly drawn to a conclusion. ("Saving the cassowary bird would also mean saving the rainforest, and plants it lives on. Even though this cassowary bird is so odd looking, it is hard not to stare at it and notice how different it is. It is so tall that it is awkward looking, but it is interesting too. Cassowaries are worth fighting for.")

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer combines ideas into compound sentences, which holds readers' interest. (" First of all this unique bird is extremely tall, it doesn't fly, it looks very weird with a bony crown on top of it's head and it's feathers on the body are glossy and look like a cape. The cassowary has strange legs that, are very thick and its toes have long sharp claws which help it protect itself. It actually has a beautiful color on its neck a bright blue color and, also has a cool red gobble that hangs under its beak.")

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the endangered status of the cassowary and the cassowary's relationship with the plants of the rain forest. (" The rain forests, where they live, are being destroyed for farming. The cassowaries live off of the plants in the rain forests to survive, and they are being cut down. Surprisingly, the plants also need the cassowaries to live and grow because the cassowaries spread their seeds. ")

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. The writer successfully paraphrases and synthesizes much of the language from the passage. ("First of all this unique bird is extremely tall, it doesn't fly, it looks very weird with a bony crown on top of it's head and it's feathers on the body are glossy and look like a cape. The cassowary has strange legs that, are very thick and its toes have long sharp claws which help it protect itself. It actually has a beautiful color on its neck a bright blue color and, also has a cool red gobble that hangs under its beak. Actually, It is so strange, but very beautiful at the same time. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (" First of all this unique bird is extremely tall, it doesn't fly, it looks very weird with a bony crown on top of it's head and it's feathers on the body are glossy and look like a cape. The cassowary has strange legs that, are very thick and its toes have long sharp claws which help it protect itself.")

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest

The article, "Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest," expresses two main ideas. First is that it is a strange bird. Second is that the future of the cassowary is in danger.

The cassowary is a strange bird. Following this further, this bird does not fly and is five feet tall. Additionally, this bird lives in rain forests areas, such as Australia and Papua New Guinea. Pursuing this further, the cassowary eats fruits. Also, this bird lay eggs as most birds do but, the cassowary has pale green eggs. Instead of the mother sitting on the eggs the male bird sits on the eggs. When the baby chick is born the chick will follow the dad so it can learn to get its own food and how to survive on its own. Furthermore, the cassowary is a part of which are flightless birds. Some of these birds are the Kiwi, an Ostrich, the Emu, and the Rhea, which they usually grow up to five feet as well as the Cassowary.

Although the Cassowary is an interesting and beautiful bird, it faces an uncertain future. The Cassowary habitat is being destroyed so they cannot get food or shelter. Farming places are destroying places are where the cassowary lives. In other words, the rainforest need cassowaries and cassowaries need the rainforest. The rainforest needs the cassowaries because the cassowary's spread seeds they eat and that spades more seeds. Although, cassowaries are unique bird they are going to be extended if people do not help.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she implies a few connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The essay provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. The writer should improve the focus of the controlling idea/thesis statement by referencing the text information more effectively. The writer omits many of the details from the passage that are important for readers to understand how "strange" the cassowary is. ("First is that it is a strange bird. Second is that the future of the cassowary is in danger. ")

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer only focuses on behaviors of the cassowary and its endangered status, and those descriptions are limited at best. There is no description of the appearance of the cassowary, which is an important part of the passage. ("The article, "Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest," expresses two main ideas. First is that it is a strange bird. Second is that the future of the cassowary is in danger. ")

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the text to illustrate the relationship between cassowaries and the rain forest plants. The writer alludes to the rain forest needing cassowaries to spread seeds, but there is no mention of cassowaries needing 150 plant species to survive or the 100 plants that need the cassowary to spread their seeds. (" The rainforest needs the cassowaries because the cassowary's spread seeds they eat and that spades more seeds. ")

Content & Development

The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Some sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. For those two topics that are discussed, the writer omits many details contained in the passage. ("Although the Cassowary is an interesting and beautiful bird, it faces an uncertain future. The Cassowary habitat is being destroyed so they cannot get food or shelter. Farming places are destroying places are where the cassowary lives. In other words, the rainforest need cassowaries and cassowaries need the rainforest. The rainforest needs the cassowaries because the cassowary's spread seeds they eat and that spades more seeds. Although, cassowaries are unique bird they are going to be extended if people do not help.")

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The writer mentions the cassowary's "strangeness" as one of the main ideas of the passage, yet there is no mention of the strange appearance of the bird. ("The cassowary is a strange bird. Following this further, this bird does not fly and is five feet tall. Additionally, this bird lives in rain forests areas, such as Australia and Papua New Guinea. Pursuing this further, the cassowary eats fruits. Also, this bird lay eggs as most birds do but, the cassowary has pale green eggs. Instead of the mother sitting on the eggs the male bird sits on the eggs. When the baby chick is born the chick will follow the dad so it can learn to get its own food and how to survive on its own. Furthermore, the cassowary is a part of which are flightless birds. Some of these birds are the Kiwi, an Ostrich, the Emu, and the Rhea, which they usually grow up to five feet as well as the Cassowary.")

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should connect ideas clearly to support the writer’s ideas. The writer could use direct quotations from the text to expand the paragraph on the endangered status of the cassowary. As written, the paragraph on threats to the cassowary is confusing and incomplete. ("Although the Cassowary is an interesting and beautiful bird, it faces an uncertain future. The Cassowary habitat is being destroyed so they cannot get food or shelter. Farming places are destroying places are where the cassowary lives. In other words, the rainforest need cassowaries and cassowaries need the rainforest. The rainforest needs the cassowaries because the cassowary's spread seeds they eat and that spades more seeds. Although, cassowaries are unique bird they are going to be extended if people do not help.")

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The introduction is short and incomplete. The writer completely neglects to mention the appearance of the cassowary as one of the main ideas of the passage. ("The article, "Cassowary: Giant Bird of the Rainforest," expresses two main ideas. First is that it is a strange bird. Second is that the future of the cassowary is in danger. ")

Strong transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. The writer does use some transitions between and within paragraphs; in the second paragraph, there are too many transitional phrases and words. However, additional transitions within the last paragraph would clarify the writer's ideas. (" Although the Cassowary is an interesting and beautiful bird, it faces an uncertain future. The Cassowary habitat is being destroyed so they cannot get food or shelter. Farming places are destroying places are where the cassowary lives. In other words, the rainforest need cassowaries and cassowaries need the rainforest. The rainforest needs the cassowaries because the cassowary's spread seeds they eat and that spades more seeds. Although, cassowaries are unique bird they are going to be extended if people do not help. ")

The writer does not provide a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. The last paragraph of the essay does not include a summary of ideas or closure for readers. The essay would be improved with the addition of another paragraph that summarized the body paragraphs. (" Although the Cassowary is an interesting and beautiful bird, it faces an uncertain future. The Cassowary habitat is being destroyed so they cannot get food or shelter. Farming places are destroying places are where the cassowary lives. In other words, the rainforest need cassowaries and cassowaries need the rainforest. The rainforest needs the cassowaries because the cassowary's spread seeds they eat and that spades more seeds. Although, cassowaries are unique bird they are going to be extended if people do not help. ")

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are short. (" First is that it is a strange bird. Second is that the future of the cassowary is in danger. ") The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. The very short sentences in the introduction need additional details to encourage readers to continue reading.

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (" Although the Cassowary is an interesting and beautiful bird, it faces an uncertain future. The Cassowary habitat is being destroyed so they cannot get food or shelter. Farming places are destroying places are where the cassowary lives. In other words, the rainforest need cassowaries and cassowaries need the rainforest. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (" Also, this bird lay eggs as most birds do but, the cassowary has pale green eggs. Instead of the mother sitting on the eggs the male bird sits on the eggs. When the baby chick is born the chick will follow the dad so it can learn to get its own food and how to survive on its own. ")

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Cassowary's are a flightless species of bird who's name was given to it by its bony crown. They are located in the forest of Australia and papua New Guines. But unfortunately in Australia they are endangered and may become extinct along with about 100 other species of plants in their habitat. Fortunately on the bright side there are people trying to help this bird.

The Cassowary's head and neck is an amazing blue and it has bright red wattles. Many pale green cassowary eggs are laid each year. The cassowary babies are taken care of by their fathers until they can survive on their ownAlso Cassowarys have many close relatives including the ostrich, emu, kiwi and the rhea.

In conclusion the Cassowary's are an interesting species of birds with a slightly different way of life than other birds. Also they are an endangered species of bird but, at least their help is on the way.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and makes illogical and/or unnecessary connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. Additionally, the writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. ("The Cassowary's are a flightless species of bird who's name was given to it by its bony crown. They are located in the forest of Australia and papua New Guines. But unfortunately in Australia they are endangered and may become extinct along with about 100 other species of plants in their habitat. Fortunately on the bright side there are people trying to help this bird. ") The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific details of the cassowary's appearance, behavior, and habitat. Providing more details in the response would create a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the unique coloring of the cassowary and the switch of duties by parents.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the danger of extinction being described. More details from the text are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. ("They are located in the forest of Australia and papua New Guines. But unfortunately in Australia they are endangered and may become extinct along with about 100 other species of plants in their habitat.")

The writer’s details are minimally developed. Although the passage contains a detailed explanation of the care of the eggs and young provided by the father, the writer includes none of that information from the passage. (" Many pale green cassowary eggs are laid each year. The cassowary babies are taken care of by their fathers until they can survive on their ownAlso Cassowarys have many close relatives including the ostrich, emu, kiwi and the rhea. ") The writer also provides too few details about the cassowary's appearance and threat to extinction. It is evident that the writer does not understand the purpose of the task to be a summary of the passage.

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally, providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific and relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes . Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or are not cited correctly.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. It is not obvious that the writer's task is to summarize the information in the passage. The essay is almost an outline that has yet to be filled in. ("The Cassowary's head and neck is an amazing blue and it has bright red wattles. Many pale green cassowary eggs are laid each year. The cassowary babies are taken care of by their fathers until they can survive on their ownAlso Cassowarys have many close relatives including the ostrich, emu, kiwi and the rhea.")

In the three-paragraph essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. In fact, the writer combines three main topics of the passage into the one body paragraph, providing very little detail about any of them. ("The Cassowary's head and neck is an amazing blue and it has bright red wattles. Many pale green cassowary eggs are laid each year. The cassowary babies are taken care of by their fathers until they can survive on their ownAlso Cassowarys have many close relatives including the ostrich, emu, kiwi and the rhea." )

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give the readers a clear picture of the cassowary's appearance, behavior, and threatened existence. The passage is rich with details on these three main ideas, but the writer does not use quotes or does not paraphrase sufficiently from the passage. ("The Cassowary's are a flightless species of bird who's name was given to it by its bony crown. They are located in the forest of Australia and papua New Guines. But unfortunately in Australia they are endangered and may become extinct along with about 100 other species of plants in their habitat. Fortunately on the bright side there are people trying to help this bird.")

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing; furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The first paragraph does not function as an introductory paragraph. The writer launches immediately into information about the cassowary. There is no thesis statement and no real background information. ("The Cassowary's are a flightless species of bird who's name was given to it by its bony crown. They are located in the forest of Australia and papua New Guines. But unfortunately in Australia they are endangered and may become extinct along with about 100 other species of plants in their habitat. Fortunately on the bright side there are people trying to help this bird.")

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. The only transition used is in the last paragraph to indicate that it is the concluding paragraph. ("In conclusion the Cassowary's are an interesting species of birds with a slightly different way of life than other birds. Also they are an endangered species of bird but, at least their help is on the way.")

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The last paragraph, which is intended as a concluding paragraph, does not summarize the essay, although it does provide closure. ("In conclusion the Cassowary's are an interesting species of birds with a slightly different way of life than other birds. Also they are an endangered species of bird but, at least their help is on the way.")

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.

The minimal structure of many sentences impedes effective communication of ideas. Most sentences are adequate, but there are sentences with awkward syntax or errors that make them difficult to understand. ( " The cassowary babies are taken care of by their fathers until they can survive on their ownAlso Cassowarys have many close relatives including the ostrich, emu, kiwi and the rhea." "Also they are an endangered species of bird but, at least their help is on the way." )

The writer shows little awareness of audience, which is evident by the lack of detail provided. (" The Cassowary's head and neck is an amazing blue and it has bright red wattles.")

The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. Most sentences are short and simple with little variety in style. (" Fortunately on the bright side there are people trying to help this bird. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (" The cassowary babies are taken care of by their fathers until they can survive on their ownAlso Cassowarys have many close relatives including the ostrich, emu, kiwi and the rhea. ")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the short artical "Cassowarry: Giant Bird of the Rainforest." The author talks about Cassowaries, large birds.

Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. It has very few relatives. Unfortunatly they are in danger of going extinct. People are tearing down there homes for building purpuoses.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task and makes little or no connection between text and task through a controlling or central idea. The writer lacks awareness of audience as well. The essay does not satisfy any parts of the task.

The essay suggests a central/controlling idea, but the writer does not develop the idea adequately through examples and descriptive details from the text. The essay begins with a very short statement, which suggests the controlling idea. The remainder of the essay does not develop any of the main ideas of the passage. ("In the short artica'l Cassowarry: Giant Bird of the Rainforest.' The author talks about Cassowaries, large birds. ")

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from the text to make the ideas clear and convincing. The summary of the passage is contained in seven sentences. This is due to the lack of detail provided. ("Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. It has very few relatives. Unfortunatly they are in danger of going extinct. People are tearing down there homes for building purpuoses. ")

The essay’s lack of specific details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. ("Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. It has very few relatives. Unfortunatly they are in danger of going extinct. People are tearing down there homes for building purpuoses.")

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer shows inadequate or no development of ideas, providing virtually no details from the text. He/she uses little or no paraphrasing and direct quotes to include credible information from the text. Additionally, sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or are not cited correctly.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The entire essay consists of a two-sentence introductory paragraph and a seven-sentence body paragraph. There are no details about the role the father plays in hatching the eggs and rearing the young. There are very few details, if any, about the cassowary's appearance and the threat to its existence. ("Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. It has very few relatives. Unfortunatly they are in danger of going extinct. People are tearing down there homes for building purpuoses.")

In the two-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. Details for all main ideas are contained in one paragraph instead of separate paragraphs. The lack of details renders body paragraphs of one sentence. ("Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. It has very few relatives. Unfortunatly they are in danger of going extinct. People are tearing down there homes for building purpuoses.")

Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. Details in the passage highlight the unique appearance of the cassowary, as well as the interesting paternal behavior. These details are lacking, causing the essay to lack interest. ("Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head.")

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. There is also no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The essay begins with two incomplete sentences, which provide no background information or controlling idea. There is no attempt to grab readers' attention. (" In the short artical "Cassowarry: Giant Bird of the Rainforest." The author talks about Cassowaries, large birds. ")

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. The writer leaps from one main idea to the next with no transitions within the one body paragraph. ("Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. It has very few relatives. Unfortunatly they are in danger of going extinct. People are tearing down there homes for building purpuoses. ")

The essay does not include a conclusion. There is no summary or closure to the essay. The writer ends with what is essentially a body paragraph. ("Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. It has very few relatives. Unfortunatly they are in danger of going extinct. People are tearing down there homes for building purpuoses. ")

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short, and they are not varied or interesting. (" They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. ")

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. The writer does not effectively summarize the information in the passage. (" They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. ")

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. The writer does not use the descriptive language of the passage or the details in the main ideas. The writer misses the opportunity to demonstrate his/her voice with word choice and lack of detail. (" They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. ("Cassowaries are apperantly black except for there neck and head wich are bright blue. They have three large toes tha each have five inch long claws. It has a crown like bone on there head. It's eggs are each about six to seven inches long. It has very few relatives. Unfortunatly they are in danger of going extinct. People are tearing down there homes for building purpuoses.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Compare and Contrast the Panama Canal and Great Wall of China

Carefully read “The Panama Canal” and watch the “Deconstructing History: Great Wall of China" video. They describe very different construction projects. After examining the ideas conveyed in each, write a multi-paragraph, informative essay in which you compare and contrast the purpose behind each structure and the challenges builders faced during their construction. Include facts and details from the text and video to support your writing.

The Panama Canal

Before the construction of the Panama Canal, ships sailing between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans had to go around the tip of South America - a trip of several thousand miles. There was no way to travel through the American continent to get from one ocean to the other. The voyage around South America generally took three weeks or more and was quite dangerous. Many ships sank or wrecked in the treacherous waters around Cape Horn at the southern tip of South America.

Spanish kings first began to think about building a canal across the Isthmus of Panama as early as the 1500s. They wanted an easier route to bring treasure from the West to ships in the Caribbean Sea, and then across the Atlantic to Spain. It was not until 1880, however, that a French company began work on such a canal.

The French stopped work on the canal several times as they ran into problems. Lack of money, intense heat and terrible rains, diseases that killed thousands of workers, and rugged geography made digging the canal extremely difficult. Workers had to blast through the mountains of the continental divide and cross the large Chagres River. After nearly 20 years of work, the French effort failed when the company went bankrupt.

In 1904, the United States stepped in to complete the canal. The Americans' initial interest in the canal was for use by the military so that Navy ships could move quickly from one ocean to the other. After ten years of hard work, the canal finally opened on August 15, 1914. It cost over six hundred million dollars to build and employed a total of 80,000 workers, both French and American. Of those workers, over 30,000 died during the construction. With the building of the canal, ships could travel between the Atlantic and the Pacific in as little as eight hours.

The United States controlled the canal and the land around it, called the "Canal Zone," until 1999, but many people in Panama resented the U.S. presence. They felt that they should have more control of the canal and a greater share of the money that came from canal tolls. They also did not like having such a large American military presence in their country. After much struggle and pressure from other countries, the United States began to negotiate to give control of the Canal Zone to Panama. The government withdrew troops and closed military bases. On December 31, 1999, the United States officially gave control of the canal and the land around it to the government of Panama.

Today, ships from more than 70 countries use the canal, though the United States still uses it most. Ships passing through the canal each year carry millions of tons of cargo and pay hundreds of millions of dollars in tolls. Some amazing technology has been developed in the past 100 years, but the Panama Canal remains one of the greatest engineering marvels in the world.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout time there has been various engineering marvels that have impacted numerous societies. Each structure had a meaningful purpose behind it; however, they were a challenge to be built. Structures like the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China had its own purpose, both were detrimental and beneficial to its own society. Although the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are similar to each other, in some ways they are different.

The Panama Canal is a meaningful structure that was and is an asset to our past, present, and future. The canal was originally a project idea about making an, "easier route to bring treasure from the West to ships in the Caribbean Sea, and then across the Atlantic to Spain." Before the canal was built many ships had to travel around Cape Horn, the southern tip of South America, to get from one ocean to the other. Consequently, this process took more than three weeks or more, and was a very dangerous trip resulting in many ship wrecks in treacherous waters. In result, a French company in the 1800's started to work on the canal. However, they had to overcome many obstacles; ultimately, they failed because of bankruptcy, intense heat, terrible rains, diseases that killed thousands, and difficulty with the geographic setting. In difference, America stepped in primarily for "use by military so the Navy ships could move quickly from on ocean to the other." After ten years of challenging work, the canal opened in the early 1900's. The project took six hundred million dollars to complete; moreover, 30,000 people died during the construction. In retrospect, the Panama Canal limits the travel time to about eight hours, and its sole purpose now is to transport cargo easier from one ocean to the other.

The Great Wall of China has many purposes that have benefited China's long-lasting culture. The Great Wall of China is, "the world's greatest longest defensive fortification." It is a system of walls, not just one long wall, built over 2,000 years. Its original purpose was a defense mechanism when the people were at war in the eighth century B.C. Concurrently, Qin Shi Huang, an emperor, ordered a northern wall to defend against the Mongols. Overtime, beacon and watch towers were built to garrison troops. These watch towers' purpose was for military communication. The troops would relay messages by smoke signals, lanterns, and beacon fires. The length of the wall is unknown, but the effort put forth was challenging. The work force equaled one million laborers, and as many as 300,000 workers died during the construction; moreover, many were buried under the wall itself.

In some ways these modern marvels are quite similar to each other. The Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are similar because of the death toll each project produced; the conditions as well as the death toll were brutal. During the production of the Panama Canal, many workers had to deal with the heat and diseases that killed many. Similar to the Panama Canal, the construction of the Great wall of China was a brutal task to overcome; moreover, workers had to deal with hot weather, and building a 52 foot wall with brick, limestone, and granite. Additionally, the primary purpose of these structures was for military purposes, but neither structure is used for that purpose any longer.

In contrast, these marvels are very different from each other through purpose and the challenges workers faced. The Panama Canal was originally used so the navy ships could cross from one ocean to the other, and now "70 countries use the canal...ships passing through the canal each year carry millions of tons of cargo." On the other hand, while it was originally used as a "defensive fortification", the Badaling section of the Great Wall of China is preserved and is a monumental figure in the many Dynasties that conquered it. The workers of the Great Wall of China faced challenges. Moreover, they had to work through a lot of heat and stack massive bricks upon themselves. While the workers of the Panama Canal, had to deal with, "diseases that killed thousands, and rugged geography made digging the canal extremely difficult."

In sum, many workers of these modern marvels have paid the price for the greater good of their nation. The lives that were sacrificed have made others' lives easier and safer. Many people of China have great gratitude towards their monument, and the people of America and 70 other countries can thank the Panama Canal for safer transportation. The Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are two of the greatest engineering marvels in the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the resources and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between the resources and the task through a clearly defined controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task.

The writer engages the readers in the introduction by effectively illustrating the purpose of the essay. The main ideas are clear, and the writer demonstrates an understanding of the prompt’s requirements. (“ Throughout time there has been various engineering marvels that have impacted numerous societies. Each structure had a meaningful purpose behind it; however, they were a challenge to be built. Structures like the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China had its own purpose, both were detrimental and beneficial to its own society. Although the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are similar to each other, in some ways they are different. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ In some ways these modern marvels are quite similar to each other. The Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are similar because of the death toll each project produced; the conditions as well as the death toll were brutal. During the production of the Panama Canal, many workers had to deal with the heat and diseases that killed many. Similar to the Panama Canal, the construction of the Great wall of China was a brutal task to overcome; moreover, workers had to deal with hot weather, and building a 52 foot wall with brick, limestone, and granite. ”)

The writer maintains the language of the thesis statement throughout the essay and effectively uses his/her body paragraphs to enhance the meaning of the essay and remind readers of its purpose. (“ In some ways these modern marvels are quite similar to each other. The Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are similar because of the death toll each project produced; the conditions as well as the death toll were brutal. During the production of the Panama Canal, many workers had to deal with the heat and diseases that killed many. Similar to the Panama Canal, the construction of the Great wall of China was a brutal task to overcome; moreover, workers had to deal with hot weather, and building a 52 foot wall with brick, limestone, and granite. Additionally, the primary purpose of these structures was for military purposes, but neither structure is used for that purpose any longer. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the resources. He/she uses a variety of methods to include credible information in the resources; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the similarities and differences between the structures very effectively. The writer provides appropriate and detailed information from both the text and the video. (“ In contrast, these marvels are very different from each other through purpose and the challenges workers faced. The Panama Canal was originally used so the navy ships could cross from one ocean to the other, and now ‘70 countries use the canal...ships passing through the canal each year carry millions of tons of cargo.’ On the other hand, while it was originally used as a ‘defensive fortification’, the Badaling section of the Great Wall of China is preserved and is a monumental figure in the many Dynasties that conquered it. ”)

Details and direct quotes from the resource text explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“ The Great Wall of China has many purposes that have benefited China's long-lasting culture. The Great Wall of China is, ‘the world's greatest longest defensive fortification.’ It is a system of walls, not just one long wall, built over 2,000 years. Its original purpose was a defense mechanism when the people were at war in the eighth century B.C. Concurrently, Qin Shi Huang, an emperor, ordered a northern wall to defend against the Mongols. Overtime, beacon and watch towers were built to garrison troops. ”)

The writer provides relevant details from the resources to explain his/her main ideas with sophistication. (“Concurrently, Qin Shi Huang, an emperor, ordered a northern wall to defend against the Mongols. Overtime, beacon and watch towers were built to garrison troops. These watch towers' purpose was for military communication. The troops would relay messages by smoke signals, lanterns, and beacon fires. The length of the wall is unknown, but the effort put forth was challenging. The work force equaled one million laborers, and as many as 300,000 workers died during the construction; moreover, many were buried under the wall itself.”)

Organization

The organization is very effective. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating a clear statement of purpose for the essay and by including open-ended statements that encourage the readers to continue reading. (“ Throughout time there has been various engineering marvels that have impacted numerous societies. Each structure had a meaningful purpose behind it; however, they were a challenge to be built. Structures like the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China had its own purpose, both were detrimental and beneficial to its own society. Although the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are similar to each other, in some ways they are different. ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas within paragraphs and between sentences. (“ In difference, America stepped in primarily for ‘use by military so the Navy ships could move quickly from on ocean to the other.’ After ten years of challenging work, the canal opened in the early 1900's. The project took six hundred million dollars to complete; moreover, 30,000 people died during the construction. ”)

The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. The conclusion leaves readers with something to reflect on after reading the essay as well as a clear understanding of the significance of the structures. (“ In sum, many workers of these modern marvels have paid the price for the greater good of their nation. The lives that were sacrificed have made others' lives easier and safer. Many people of China have great gratitude towards their monument, and the people of America and 70 other countries can thank the Panama Canal for safer transportation. The Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are two of the greatest engineering marvels in the world. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the severity of the working conditions during the construction of the two structures. (“ In some ways these modern marvels are quite similar to each other. The Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China are similar because of the death toll each project produced; the conditions as well as the death toll were brutal. During the production of the Panama Canal, many workers had to deal with the heat and diseases that killed many. ”)

The writer includes a variety of complex sentence structures that are very effectively used to relay information in a stylistically interesting way. (“ In result, a French company in the 1800's started to work on the canal. However, they had to overcome many obstacles; ultimately, they failed because of bankruptcy, intense heat, terrible rains, diseases that killed thousands, and difficulty with the geographic setting. In difference, America stepped in primarily for ‘use by military so the Navy ships could move quickly from on ocean to the other.’ After ten years of challenging work, the canal opened in the early 1900's.”)

The writer demonstrates use of a strong voice throughout the response, which serves to engage and inform the readers. (“ In sum, many workers of these modern marvels have paid the price for the greater good of their nation. The lives that were sacrificed have made others' lives easier and safer. Many people of China have great gratitude towards their monument, and the people of America and 70 other countries can thank the Panama Canal for safer transportation. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.

Each sentence in the essay begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. Each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ The Great Wall of China has many purposes that have benefited China's long-lasting culture. The Great Wall of China is, ‘the world's greatest longest defensive fortification.’ It is a system of walls, not just one long wall, built over 2,000 years. Its original purpose was a defense mechanism when the people were at war in the eighth century B.C. Concurrently, Qin Shi Huang, an emperor, ordered a northern wall to defend against the Mongols. Overtime, beacon and watch towers were built to garrison troops. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout history man has created many marvelous structures that people still admire today. These projects have different purposes in life to make things easier or difficult for people. These formations can be from the pyramids of Egypt to the Eiffel tower in France. Many of these architectures have similarities and differences, but the Great Wall of China and the Panama Canal are very similar in many ways but have a great amount of differences.

The Panama Canal was created for ships to have a safe and fast way to sail from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. The original journey took around three weeks maybe even more and it was extremely dangerous over the several thousand miles of water. Ships have been demolished by the deadly water and a large amount of ships where never found going around the treacherous Cape Horn at the southern tip of South America. It was started by the French and finished by the Americans. The cost of the canal was over six hundred million dollars. The total amount of works took at create this wonderful canal was eighty thousand and the canal took over thirty thousand lives in the making. Now ships can travel from the Atlantic to the Pacific in a matter of eight hours. Today, over seventy countries use the Panama Canal to transport millions of tons of cargo and pay millions of dollars in tolls.

In China there is a wall that runs over three thousand and one hundred miles of land; that is the world's longest defensive fortification called the Great Wall of China. The Great Wall took over two thousand years to build but it was never finished and the actual length of the wall is unknown. The wall is a system of many walls that have watch towers that are linked by miles of connecting wall. Emperor Qin Shi Huang ordered the construction of the wall on the northern wall to defend from the Mongols. There were over one million workers that worked on the wall. Three hundred of those one million workers one million died and were buried into the foundation of the wall. The reason the wall was built was for military communication using beacons and watchtowers that contained smoke signals, lanterns, and beacon fires. It never succeeded in keeping the invaders out.

Even though the Panama Canal and the Great Wall are in context two very different marvels, they share many similarities. They both needed a large work force to make these amazing creations and a large number of those workers gave up their lives to help other people. Both of the structures took extreme amounts of time to accomplish and were difficult to finish. They were used for military purposes, and they both are very extensively long. Both were built in different times of the world.

With the similarities that Great Wall and the Panama Canal have they also differ in many different ways. They where both created for different reasons; the Great Wall was built to keep the invaders like the Mongols out of China so they won't get attacked and the Panama Canal was created to make a faster and safer way to travel from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. The canal took six hundred million dollars to build and the wall didn't take any money.

Although the Panama Canal and the Great Wall were built in different times and for different reasons, they have many similarities. The Great Wall of China was needed to keep out the Mongols but failed to do so. To this date it is one of the longest walls ever built. The Panama Canal was built to make a pathway for ships to cross to the Pacific and Atlantic Ocean and many ships still use it to this day for transporting goods from place to place.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the resources and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between the resources and task through the central/controlling idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.

Specific information from the resources is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. (“ In China there is a wall that runs over three thousand and one hundred miles of land; that is the world's longest defensive fortification called the Great Wall of China. The Great Wall took over two thousand years to build but it was never finished and the actual length of the wall is unknown. The wall is a system of many walls that have watch towers that are linked by miles of connecting wall. Emperor Qin Shi Huang ordered the construction of the wall on the northern wall to defend from the Mongols. ”)

The writer effectively uses relevant details from the resources to inform readers, and he/she maintains the focus of the essay by using those details to compare and contrast the structures. (“ The cost of the canal was over six hundred million dollars. The total amount of works took at create this wonderful canal was eighty thousand and the canal took over thirty thousand lives in the making. Now ships can travel from the Atlantic to the Pacific in a matter of eight hours. Today, over seventy countries use the Panama Canal to transport millions of tons of cargo and pay millions of dollars in tolls. In China there is a wall that runs over three thousand and one hundred miles of land; that is the world's longest defensive fortification called the Great Wall of China. ”)

The writer demonstrates that he/she has a clear understanding of the resources and the prompt task by revisiting the thesis statement and juxtaposing details from the resource text. (“ With the similarities that Great Wall and the Panama Canal have they also differ in many different ways. They where both created for different reasons; the Great Wall was built to keep the invaders like the Mongols out of China so they won't get attacked and the Panama Canal was created to make a faster and safer way to travel from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. The canal took six hundred million dollars to build and the wall didn't take any money.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the resources. He/she uses more than one method to include credible information from the resources; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of the structures, their use, and the people who built them.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Even though the Panama Canal and the Great Wall are in context two very different marvels, they share many similarities. They both needed a large work force to make these amazing creations and a large number of those workers gave up their lives to help other people. Both of the structures took extreme amounts of time to accomplish and were difficult to finish. They were used for military purposes, and they both are very extensively long. Both were built in different times of the world.”)

The details, including relevant information from the resources, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence of each paragraph. (“In China there is a wall that runs over three thousand and one hundred miles of land; that is the world's longest defensive fortification called the Great Wall of China. The Great Wall took over two thousand years to build but it was never finished and the actual length of the wall is unknown. The wall is a system of many walls that have watch towers that are linked by miles of connecting wall.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well, and the writer devotes an equal amount of effort to each of the ideas presented in the essay. (“ The cost of the canal was over six hundred million dollars. The total amount of works took at create this wonderful canal was eighty thousand and the canal took over thirty thousand lives in the making. Now ships can travel from the Atlantic to the Pacific in a matter of eight hours. Today, over seventy countries use the Panama Canal to transport millions of tons of cargo and pay millions of dollars in tolls. ”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. The writer includes a clear thesis statement and creates interest by referencing other construction projects the readers may recognize. (“ Throughout history man has created many marvelous structures that people still admire today. These projects have different purposes in life to make things easier or difficult for people. These formations can be from the pyramids of Egypt to the Eiffel tower in France. Many of these architectures have similarities and differences, but the Great Wall of China and the Panama Canal are very similar in many ways but have a great amount of differences. ”)

Transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used well and serve to connect ideas. (“ Even though the Panama Canal and the Great Wall are in context two very different marvels, they share many similarities. They both needed a large work force to make these amazing creations and a large number of those workers gave up their lives to help other people. Both of the structures took extreme amounts of time to accomplish and were difficult to finish. ”)

The writer’s conclusion restates the central ideas of the essay, but it would be more effective if it provided a greater sense of closure. (“ Although the Panama Canal and the Great Wall were built in different times and for different reasons, they have many similarities. The Great Wall of China was needed to keep out the Mongols but failed to do so. To this date it is one of the longest walls ever built. The Panama Canal was built to make a pathway for ships to cross to the Pacific and Atlantic Ocean and many ships still use it to this day for transporting goods from place to place. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent, informative, and generally academic. (“ Ships have been demolished by the deadly water and a large amount of ships where never found going around the treacherous Cape Horn at the southern tip of South America. It was started by the French and finished by the Americans. The cost of the canal was over six hundred million dollars. The total amount of works took at create this wonderful canal was eighty thousand and the canal took over thirty thousand lives in the making.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“ The reason the wall was built was for military communication using beacons and watchtowers that contained smoke signals, lanterns, and beacon fires. It never succeeded in keeping the invaders out. Even though the Panama Canal and the Great Wall are in context two very different marvels, they share many similarities. They both needed a large work force to make these amazing creations and a large number of those workers gave up their lives to help other people.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe each of the structures and successfully maintains the readers’ interest through the use of descriptive language. (“ The cost of the canal was over six hundred million dollars. The total amount of works took at create this wonderful canal was eighty thousand and the canal took over thirty thousand lives in the making. Now ships can travel from the Atlantic to the Pacific in a matter of eight hours. Today, over seventy countries use the Panama Canal to transport millions of tons of cargo and pay millions of dollars in tolls. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that do not interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement and appropriate capitalization and punctuation. The writer should also ensure all word selections are used and spelled correctly and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ They where both created for different reasons; the Great Wall was built to keep the invaders like the Mongols out of China so they won't get attacked and the Panama Canal was created to make a faster and safer way to travel from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. The canal took six hundred million dollars to build and the wall didn't take any money. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever heard of the Great Wall of China or the Panama Canal? The Great Wall of China is the world's longest defense fortification. The Panama Canal was a way to travel from ocean to ocean in as little as eight hours. The Great wall of China and the Panama Canal are great structures, and they each have their similarities and differences.

The main purpose of the Panama Canal was for useful transportation. There was no way to travel through the American continent to get from one ocean to the other, and the voyage around South America generally took three weeks or more. Not only did it take a long time but it was also very dangerous. Many ships sank or got wrecked in the treacherous waters of Cape Horn. Therefore, the Panama Canal was built. It was a new, safer, and faster way of traveling from ocean to ocean.

Much like the Panama Canal, the Great Wall of China had a very important purpose when it was created. The Great Wall of China was not only used for transportation, but it was also a defense mechanism. In the eighth century, China's Kingdoms were at war, so they built walls for defense. The Great Wall was vital to their military communication, for the messages sent were relayed by smoke signals, lanterns, and beacon fires from atop the wall. Culturally speaking, the Great Wall of China had a very important purpose in the history of China.

To compare the two projects, there were many challenges in the construction of the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China. For example, many people died in the building of both structures. During the construction of the Great Wall of China, as many as 300,000 workers died in the making. Most of the workers were thrown in and built into the wall. When constructing the Panama Canal, 30,000 people died. This not only shows that many people died in the making of these structures, but it shows how hard many people worked to create these magnificent landmarks.

Although the Great Wall of China and the Panama Canal are marvelous structures, they each have their similarities and differences. The Great Wall of China is not only a magnificent landmark but it is also the world's longest defensive fortification. The Panama Canal is also a massive structure, and it is a way to travel from ocean to ocean in as little as eight hours. These two incredible structures have been in textbooks, magazines, and newspapers, so people all over the world can know their historical significance.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the resources and the purpose of the task. He/she implies connections between the resources and task through the central/controlling idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant, and he/she completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the main ideas of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“ Have you ever heard of the Great Wall of China or the Panama Canal? The Great Wall of China is the world's longest defense fortification. The Panama Canal was a way to travel from ocean to ocean in as little as eight hours. The Great wall of China and the Panama Canal are great structures, and they each have their similarities and differences. ”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about each of the structures and comparing their use and construction. (“ The main purpose of the Panama Canal was for useful transportation. There was no way to travel through the American continent to get from one ocean to the other, and the voyage around South America generally took three weeks or more. Not only did it take a long time but it was also very dangerous. Many ships sank or got wrecked in the treacherous waters of Cape Horn. Therefore, the Panama Canal was built. It was a new, safer, and faster way of traveling from ocean to ocean. ”)

The writer makes connections between specific information from the resources and his/her ideas. (“ When constructing the Panama Canal, 30,000 people died. This not only shows that many people died in the making of these structures, but it shows how hard many people worked to create these magnificent landmarks. Although the Great Wall of China and the Panama Canal are marvelous structures, they each have their similarities and differences. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate details from the resources to illustrate the main ideas; however, using direct quotations could help strengthen the essay. (“ For example, many people died in the building of both structures. During the construction of the Great Wall of China, as many as 300,000 workers died in the making. Most of the workers were thrown in and built into the wall. When constructing the Panama Canal, 30,000 people died. This not only shows that many people died in the making of these structures, but it shows how hard many people worked to create these magnificent landmarks. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ The main purpose of the Panama Canal was for useful transportation. There was no way to travel through the American continent to get from one ocean to the other, and the voyage around South America generally took three weeks or more. Not only did it take a long time but it was also very dangerous. Many ships sank or got wrecked in the treacherous waters of Cape Horn. Therefore, the Panama Canal was built. It was a new, safer, and faster way of traveling from ocean to ocean. ”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the structures, the people who built them, and the reasons they were built.

The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the resources. (“ The Great Wall of China is not only a magnificent landmark but it is also the world's longest defensive fortification. The Panama Canal is also a massive structure, and it is a way to travel from ocean to ocean in as little as eight hours. ”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by posing a question. The introduction includes a clearly stated main idea and gives the readers a sense of the purpose and subject of the essay. (“ Have you ever heard of the Great Wall of China or the Panama Canal? The Great Wall of China is the world's longest defense fortification. The Panama Canal was a way to travel from ocean to ocean in as little as eight hours. The Great wall of China and the Panama Canal are great structures, and they each have their similarities and differences. ”)

Some transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ Culturally speaking, the Great Wall of China had a very important purpose in the history of China. To compare the two projects, there were many challenges in the construction of the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of China. For example, many people died in the building of both structures. ”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way to strengthen his/her essay.

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Although the Great Wall of China and the Panama Canal are marvelous structures, they each have their similarities and differences. The Great Wall of China is not only a magnificent landmark but it is also the world's longest defensive fortification. The Panama Canal is also a massive structure, and it is a way to travel from ocean to ocean in as little as eight hours. These two incredible structures have been in textbooks, magazines, and newspapers, so people all over the world can know their historical significance. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied, and the essay contains many complex sentences that maintain the readers’ interest. (“ Much like the Panama Canal, the Great Wall of China had a very important purpose when it was created. The Great Wall of China was not only used for transportation, but it was also a defense mechanism. In the eighth century, China's Kingdoms were at war, so they built walls for defense. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the use of the Great Wall of China with some vivid details. (“ The Great Wall was vital to their military communication, for the messages sent were relayed by smoke signals, lanterns, and beacon fires from atop the wall. Culturally speaking, the Great Wall of China had a very important purpose in the history of China. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. The selected words are generally academic in tone. (“ Much like the Panama Canal, the Great Wall of China had a very important purpose when it was created. The Great Wall of China was not only used for transportation, but it was also a defense mechanism. In the eighth century, China's Kingdoms were at war, so they built walls for defense. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

In order to strengthen his/her essay, the writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement and that word selections are spelled and used correctly. (“ Therefore, the Panama Canal was built. It was a new, safer, and faster way of traveling from ocean to ocean… During the construction of the Great Wall of China, as many as 300,000 workers died in the making. Most of the workers were thrown in and built into the wall. When constructing the Panama Canal, 30,000 people died. This not only shows that many people died in the making of these structures, but it shows how hard many people worked to create these magnificent landmarks. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Panama Canal, and the Great Wall of China are very un-similar to each other. They both have different reasons, for why they were built. Even though that, the Panama Canal and the Great Wall ofhave some good and bad things in common.

The Panama Canal was very un-similar to the Great Wall of Chinamany ways. For example ‘the Panama Canal’ paragraph 2 states they wanted an easier route to bring treasures from the West to ships in the Caribbean Sea...’ This matters because the Panama Canal was not used to defend against enemies. It was used to make routes easier to arrive somewhere faster. Another example in paragraph 4 it states ‘the American's initial interest in the canal was for use by the military so that navy ships could move quickly from one ocean to another. This shows the Panama Canal was used for faster routes to get to where they want togo.

The Great Wall of China hadone main reason why it was very un-similar to the Panama Canal. The one reason why the Great Wall of China wasso different from the Panama Canal was that it was used for a defense fortification meanwhile, the Panama Canal was used for faster transportation. Note 11 states, ‘but the wall never succeed in keeping out the barbarians.’ This proves the Great Wall of China wasonly a defense system because it was used to prevent attackers to going into China andconquering it.

Although the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of Chinadid have some similarities. For example they both made signaling, and transportation easier and faster. Also both objects did take a long time to build, but in the it came out to work. Also these two objects helped the people In many ways. It was easier for people to get somewhere faster.

Clearly, the Panama Canal, and the Great Wall of China hadvery un similar perks. Although they both did have some similarities. Lastly all in all the Panama Canal had many similarities and differences.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the resources and the purpose of the task. He/she implies a few connections between the resources and the task through the central/controlling idea. The writer provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of his/her message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the controlling idea in a limited way. The writer should improve the focus of the controlling idea/thesis statement by referencing the textual information more effectively and elaborating on the main idea in greater detail. (“The Panama Canal, and the Great Wall of China are very un-similar to each other. They both have different reasons, for why they were built. Even though that, the Panama Canal and the Great Wall ofhave some good and bad things in common. ”)

The writer only focuses on one fact about each of the structures, and as a result, the connection between the resources and the prompt task is limited. (“Although the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of Chinadid have some similarities. For example they both made signaling, and transportation easier and faster. Also both objects did take a long time to build, but in the it came out to work. Also these two objects helped the people In many ways. It was easier for people to get somewhere faster. ”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the resources to more effectively compare and contrast the two structures. (“ The Great Wall of China hadone main reason why it was very un-similar to the Panama Canal. The one reason why the Great Wall of China wasso different from the Panama Canal was that it was used for a defense fortification meanwhile, the Panama Canal was used for faster transportation. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ The one reason why the Great Wall of China wasso different from the Panama Canal was that it was used for a defense fortification meanwhile, the Panama Canal was used for faster transportation. Note 11 states, ‘but the wall never succeed in keeping out the barbarians.’ This proves the Great Wall of China wasonly a defense system because it was used to prevent attackers to going into China andconquering it. ”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs are so brief that they do not fully support the writer’s thesis; the writer often repeats ideas in multiple body paragraphs. (“ The Panama Canal was very un-similar to the Great Wall of Chinamany ways…The Great Wall of China hadone main reason why it was very un-similar to the Panama Canal. The one reason why the Great Wall of China wasso different from the Panama Canal was that it was used for a defense fortification meanwhile, the Panama Canal was used for faster transportation. Note 11 states, ‘but the wall never succeed in keeping out the barbarians.’ This proves the Great Wall of China wasonly a defense system because it was used to prevent attackers to going into China andconquering it.”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the resources should clearly connect to the writer’s main ideas. (“ The Panama Canal was very un-similar to the Great Wall of Chinamany ways. For example ‘the Panama Canal’ paragraph 2 states they wanted an easier route to bring treasures from the West to ships in the Caribbean Sea...’ This matters because the Panama Canal was not used to defend against enemies. It was used to make routes easier to arrive somewhere faster. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction that does not grab the readers’ attention or adequately present the central/controlling idea. (“ The Panama Canal, and the Great Wall of China are very un-similar to each other. They both have different reasons, for why they were built. Even though that, the Panama Canal and the Great Wall ofhave some good and bad things in common. ”)

Paragraphing is not used to effectively group ideas together. The essay does not contain a logical flow of ideas, and key points are often revisited in multiple paragraphs. (“ This shows the Panama Canal was used for faster routes to get to where they want togo. The Great Wall of China hadone main reason why it was very un-similar to the Panama Canal. The one reason why the Great Wall of China wasso different from the Panama Canal was that it was used for a defense fortification meanwhile, the Panama Canal was used for faster transportation. ”)

The writer provides a conclusion, but it is repetitive. A strong conclusion would summarize the main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ Clearly, the Panama Canal, and the Great Wall of China hadvery un similar perks. Although they both did have some similarities. Lastly all in all the Panama Canal had many similarities and differences. ”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentence lengths are short. (“ Also both objects did take a long time to build, but in the it came out to work. Also these two objects helped the people In many ways. It was easier for people to get somewhere faster. ”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

The essay is repetitive. (“ This matters because the Panama Canal was not used to defend against enemies. It was used to make routes easier to arrive somewhere faster…Also both objects did take a long time to build, but in the it came out to work. Also these two objects helped the people In many ways. It was easier for people to get somewhere faster. ”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are occasionally basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ It was used to make routes easier to arrive somewhere faster. Another example in paragraph 4 it states ‘the American's initial interest in the canal was for use by the military so that navy ships could move quickly from one ocean to another. This shows the Panama Canal was used for faster routes to get to where they want togo. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb and ends with a punctuation mark. The writer should utilize commas where appropriate, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“ Although the Panama Canal and the Great Wall of Chinadid have some similarities. For example they both made signaling, and transportation easier and faster. Also both objects did take a long time to build, but in the it came out to work. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wanted to know the challenges and why the great wall and the panama express were built?

the panama canal was to help was to help the spanners from the all antic to spain. the great wall of china is one of the longest walls to help them when they are at war the great wall was built by one million labors but many of them died during construction. the wall is one of the largest walls for defense and is used for military purposes.

Although the panama canal and the great wall are amazing structures many labors died and suffered making them. they both have a purpose and that's why many tourist go to see em everyday.

There was a big challenge for for the workers to make these structures. It took about 1 million workers to help built the wall and about 300,00 workers died and many workersdied and were baried inside the wall.

even though many people suffered while making them they had a purpose thats why many tourist come too see it everyday.

the greatr walland the panama canel were built to help.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates an unclear understanding of the resources and the purpose of the task. He/she makes illogical and/or unnecessary connections between the resources and the task through the central/controlling idea. Additionally, the writer does not demonstrate an awareness of his/her audience. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The writer only minimally states a central/controlling idea. He/she misses the opportunity to elaborate on the purpose of the structures and the reason for their construction. (“Although the panama canal and the great wall are amazing structures many labors died and suffered making them. they both have a purpose and that's why many tourist go to see em everyday. ”)

The writer should review the prompt task carefully and identify what informational topics or aspects he/she must focus on in order to effectively compare the two structures. (“ even though many people suffered while making them they had a purpose thats why many tourist come too see it everyday. the greatr walland the panama canel were built to help.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed and do not give the readers a clear understanding of the challenges the construction of the structures presented. (“ There was a big challenge for for the workers to make these structures. It took about 1 million workers to help built the wall and about 300,00 workers died and many workersdied and were baried inside the wall. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally, providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific or relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes . Many sources used for quotes and facts are not cited correctly.

The writer’s ideas are not supported by direct quotations from the resources, and the writer does not include citations where facts are incorporated. (“ There was a big challenge for for the workers to make these structures. It took about 1 million workers to help built the wall and about 300,00 workers died and many workersdied and were baried inside the wall. ”)

There are minimal supporting sentences for each paragraph of the essay. (“ Although the panama canal and the great wall are amazing structures many labors died and suffered making them. they both have a purpose and that's why many tourist go to see em everyday. There was a big challenge for for the workers to make these structures. It took about 1 million workers to help built the wall and about 300,00 workers died and many workersdied and were baried inside the wall.”)

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details could include examples, facts, or quotes from the resources that give the readers a clear picture of the great structures and their intended purpose. (“ the panama canal was to help was to help the spanners from the all antic to spain. the great wall of china is one of the longest walls to help them when they are at war the great wall was built by one million labors but many of them died during construction. the wall is one of the largest walls for defense and is used for military purposes. ”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer’s introduction does little to grab the readers’ attention and does not include a clear central/controlling idea. (“ the panama canal was to help was to help the spanners from the all antic to spain. the great wall of china is one of the longest walls to help them when they are at war the great wall was built by one million labors but many of them died during construction. the wall is one of the largest walls for defense and is used for military purposes. ”)

Although there is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas, the t ransitions only minimally connect the supporting sentences to the main idea, and the paragraphing of the essay does not follow a logical structure. (“ Although the panama canal and the great wall are amazing structures many labors died and suffered making them. they both have a purpose and that's why many tourist go to see em everyday. There was a big challenge for for the workers to make these structures. It took about 1 million workers to help built the wall and about 300,00 workers died and many workersdied and were baried inside the wall. ”)

The writer does not include a strong ending; the conclusion does not summarize the key points of the essay or leave the readers with an understanding of the purpose of the prompt task. (“ even though many people suffered while making them they had a purpose thats why many tourist come too see it everyday. the greatr walland the panama canel were built to help. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses informal language and word choices that are inappropriate for his/her intended audience. (“ they both have a purpose and that's why many tourist go to see em everyday.”)

There is repetition in the essay. (“ they both have a purpose and that's why many tourist go to see em everyday…even though many people suffered while making them they had a purpose thats why many tourist come too see it everyday. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. (“ the greatr walland the panama canel were built to help. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does not include appropriate capitalization and punctuation or the correct spelling and usage of selected words. (“the panama canal was to help was to help the spanners from the all antic to spain. the great wall of china is one of the longest walls to help them when they are at war the great wall was built by one million labors but many of them died during construction.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Out of al the things i had learned from the history videos i had only learned two. i learned about the Great Wall of China and the Panamal Canal. the Great Wall Of China was built to keep the Mongols away. But unfortunately, that had failed. So in addition laborers built heavier,taller and taller clay and blocks to the Great Wall Of China.

The Panamal Canal was used to put a thousand mile trip to an end. What i mean by that is that ships would be going.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the resources or the purpose of the task and makes little or no connection between the resources and the task through a central/controlling idea. The writer lacks an awareness of audience as well. The essay does not satisfy any parts of the task.

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea that reflects the purpose of the prompt task. (“i learned about the Great Wall of China and the Panamal Canal. ”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of his/her audience because he/she uses informal language and does not devote adequate details to compare and contrast these two great structures for the readers to fully understand the main ideas from the resources. (“The Panamal Canal was used to put a thousand mile trip to an end. What i mean by that is that ships would be going. ”)

The essay’s lack of specific details from the resources renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“the Great Wall Of China was built to keep the Mongols away. But unfortunately, that had failed.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer shows inadequate or no development of ideas, providing virtually no details from the text. He/she uses little or no paraphrasing or direct quotes to include credible information from the text. Additionally, sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or are not cited correctly.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“The Panamal Canal was used to put a thousand mile trip to an end. What i mean by that is that ships would be going.”)

In the brief response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“i learned about the Great Wall of China and the Panamal Canal. the Great Wall Of China was built to keep the Mongols away. But unfortunately, that had failed.”)

Details from the resources are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“the Great Wall Of China was built to keep the Mongols away. But unfortunately, that had failed.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The essay demonstrates some evidence of structure; however, the lack of paragraphing and transitional devices renders the organization ineffective.

The writer neglects to identify the purpose of the task in the beginning of the essay. (“Out of al the things i had learned from the history videos i had only learned two. i learned about the Great Wall of China and the Panamal Canal. ”)

Although there is some evidence of transitions used, the writer should incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of ideas in the essay. (“But unfortunately, that had failed. So in addition laborers built heavier,taller and taller clay and blocks to the Great Wall Of China. ”)

The writer does not include an identifiable ending that summarizes the ideas and leads the readers to a logical conclusion. (“The Panamal Canal was used to put a thousand mile trip to an end. What i mean by that is that ships would be going. ”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Some sentence lengths are short. (“the Great Wall Of China was built to keep the Mongols away. But unfortunately, that had failed. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“What i mean by that is that ships would be going. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“So in addition laborers built heavier,taller and taller clay and blocks to the Great Wall Of China. The Panamal Canal was used to put a thousand mile trip to an end.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to ensure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Out of al the things i had learned from the history videos i had only learned two. i learned about the Great Wall of China and the Panamal Canal. the Great Wall Of China was built to keep the Mongols away.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Compare and Contrast Space and Oceanic Exploration

Having read, viewed, and discussed different aspects of space and oceanic exploration, write an informational essay about the topic to be sent to your state senator. Be sure that the essay thoroughly covers the similarities and differences between the two forms of exploration.

In a multi-paragraph informative/explanatory essay, compare and contrast space and oceanic exploration for your state senator. Remember to include and cite key details and facts from your sources that clearly elaborate on the two forms of exploration.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many similarities and differences between oceanic exploration and space exploration. Ocean exploration was studied in 1807, and a search for new living and non-living creatures under water. In 1783, after the Montgolfier brothers built the first hot air balloon, they started studying about the space exploration and the finding of other planets other than the Earth we live on (Anon, 1). In many ways, ocean exploration and space exploration are similar and different.

The first common aspect between ocean exploration and space exploration is that the president of the time approved of research in these areas. According to the "Ocean Exploration Timeline", in 1807, "President Thomas Jefferson signs a bill authorizing the United States Coast Survey" (Anon, 1). This shows that the president approved to explore the ocean. Likewise, it was President John F. Kennedy who approved the first mission to space. In 1961 he approved of expanding the space program.

Another similarity is that both ocean exploration and space exploration use satellite technology. The article "Space Race: 20th Century Timeline and Firsts" discusses the first man made satellites. Concerning ocean research, according to the "Ocean Exploration Timeline", in 1995, "Declassification of GEOSAT radar altimetry data form a U.S. Navy Earth observation satellite leads to worldwide mapping of the sea floor" (Anon,2). In ocean exploration, they use an acoustic sound signal that bounces off an iceberg. The timeline states, "Reginald Fessenden uses an oscillator to bounce a signal simultaneously off an ice berg and the sea floor/u2014 first acoustic exploration of the seas" (Anon, 1). This is like space exploration because in space the rocket is controlled by technology, and the technology is used to see the air pressure in space. This shows that a satellite is important technology for both types of expeditions. Although space exploration and ocean exploration have these things in common, they also have many differences.

One difference between ocean exploration and space exploration is the transport vessels. Ocean exploration uses submarines, while space exploration uses rockets. According to "Ocean Exploration Timeline", in 1964, "The Deep Submergence Vehicle "Alvin" is constructed by the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute." "Alvin" was the first U.S.-based deep-diving submersible and has now made over 4,400 descents and led to numerous ocean floor discoveries. This is different from the space exploration because space exploration uses rockets that fly up into space and in 1969, the astronauts of Apollo 11 land on the moon.

Another difference is the living and non-living forms in the ocean and in space. Ocean exploration has sea creatures and space exploration discovers planets. NASA finds the planet "Kepler 22b" that is a perfect temperature for life: "... Newly announced planet Kepler-22b could be just the right for life -about 72 degrees, a perfect spring day on Earth" (Anon, 5). This is different from ocean exploration because ocean research produces sea creatures like sharks, jellyfish, sea turtles, and even organisms in the deep sea that are bioluminescent.

Ocean and space exploration also differ in how much funding they get from the government to do their work. According to "Rockets Top Submarine", the U.S. government spent more money on space than ocean exploration. "In fiscal year 2013 NASA's annual exploration budget was roughly $3.8 billion. That same year, the total funding for NOAA was $ 23.7 million". Space exploration costs more than ocean exploration because space exploration needs more technology then the ocean exploration.

In conclusion, space and ocean exploration have many similarities; the president approved of both and they both use satellites. They also have many differences as they use different types of transport vessels, differ from the life forms in ocean or space, and how much money they spend on the explorations. It is important to study about the ocean discovery because we need to learn more about what's living underwater and the history inside. However, it is also important to conduct the studies in space exploration because there are other planets in space other than Earth, and perhaps someday they will find other planets humans can live on other than Earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ There are many similarities and differences between oceanic exploration and space exploration. ”)

The essay engages the readers in the introduction by describing the historical origins of each type of exploration. (“ Ocean exploration was studied in 1807, and a search for new living and non-living creatures under water. In 1783, after the Montgolfier brothers built the first hot air balloon, they started studying about the space exploration and the finding of other planets other than the Earth we live on (Anon, 1). In many ways, ocean exploration and space exploration are similar and different. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ This is like space exploration because in space the rocket is controlled by technology, and the technology is used to see the air pressure in space. This shows that a satellite is important technology for both types of expeditions. ”)

Content & Development

Details and direct quotes from the text explain and illustrate main ideas in the essay very effectively. (“ Another similarity is that both ocean exploration and space exploration use satellite technology. The article ‘Space Race: 20th Century Timeline and Firsts’ discusses the first man made satellites. Concerning ocean research, according to the ‘Ocean Exploration Timeline’, in 1995, ‘Declassification of GEOSAT radar altimetry data form a U.S. Navy Earth observation satellite leads to worldwide mapping of the sea floor’ (Anon,2). In ocean exploration, they use an acoustic sound signal that bounces off an iceberg. The timeline states, ‘Reginald Fessenden uses an oscillator to bounce a signal simultaneously off an ice berg and the sea floor/u2014 first acoustic exploration of the seas’ (Anon, 1). ”)

Relevant points explain and illustrate the differences in transport vehicles. The writer could add more details to further explain how each vessel is designed for travel in a specific environment. (“ One difference between ocean exploration and space exploration is the transport vessels. Ocean exploration uses submarines, while space exploration uses rockets. According to ‘Ocean Exploration Timeline’, in 1964, ‘The Deep Submergence Vehicle ‘Alvin’ is constructed by the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute.’ ‘Alvin’ was the first U.S.-based deep-diving submersible and has now made over 4,400 descents and led to numerous ocean floor discoveries. This is different from the space exploration because space exploration uses rockets that fly up into space and in 1969, the astronauts of Apollo 11 land on the moon. ”)

Specific information about discoveries in each environment is developed very effectively. (“ Another difference is the living and non-living forms in the ocean and in space. Ocean exploration has sea creatures and space exploration discovers planets. NASA finds the planet ‘Kepler 22b’ that is a perfect temperature for life: ‘... Newly announced planet Kepler-22b could be just the right for life -about 72 degrees, a perfect spring day on Earth’ (Anon, 5). This is different from ocean exploration because ocean research produces sea creatures like sharks, jellyfish, sea turtles, and even organisms in the deep sea that are bioluminescent. ”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating historical information to arouse the readers’ curiosity about the subject. (“ There are many similarities and differences between oceanic exploration and space exploration. Ocean exploration was studied in 1807, and a search for new living and non-living creatures under water. In 1783, after the Montgolfier brothers built the first hot air balloon, they started studying about the space exploration and the finding of other planets other than the Earth we live on (Anon, 1). In many ways, ocean exploration and space exploration are similar and different. ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and sentences. (“ Another similarity is that both ocean exploration and space exploration use satellite technology. The article ‘Space Race: 20th Century Timeline and Firsts’ discusses the first man made satellites. Concerning ocean research, according to the ‘Ocean Exploration Timeline’, in 1995, ‘Declassification of GEOSAT radar altimetry data form a U.S. Navy Earth observation satellite leads to worldwide mapping of the sea floor’ (Anon,2). ”)

The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion, space and ocean exploration have many similarities; the president approved of both and they both use satellites. They also have many differences as they use different types of transport vessels, differ from the life forms in ocean or space, and how much money they spend on the explorations. It is important to study about the ocean discovery because we need to learn more about what's living underwater and the history inside. However, it is also important to conduct the studies in space exploration because there are other planets in space other than Earth, and perhaps someday they will find other planets humans can live on other than Earth. ”)

Language Use & Style

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ This is like space exploration because in space the rocket is controlled by technology, and the technology is used to see the air pressure in space. This shows that a satellite is important technology for both types of expeditions. Although space exploration and ocean exploration have these things in common, they also have many differences. ”)

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the discoveries in both space and ocean environments. (“ Ocean exploration has sea creatures and space exploration discovers planets. NASA finds the planet ‘Kepler 22b’ that is a perfect temperature for life: ‘... Newly announced planet Kepler-22b could be just the right for life -about 72 degrees, a perfect spring day on Earth’ (Anon, 5). This is different from ocean exploration because ocean research produces sea creatures like sharks, jellyfish, sea turtles, and even organisms in the deep sea that are bioluminescent. ”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ Ocean and space exploration also differ in how much funding they get from the government to do their work. According to ‘Rockets Top Submarine’, the U.S. government spent more money on space than ocean exploration. ‘In fiscal year 2013 NASA's annual exploration budget was roughly $3.8 billion. That same year, the total funding for NOAA was $ 23.7 million’. Space exploration costs more than ocean exploration because space exploration needs more technology then the ocean exploration. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Space and Ocean Exploration

There are many explorations going on in the world, but there are two that are very important which are space and ocean exploration. Space exploration started in1783, and it is when people from a special company go in to outer space to find planets and objects. Ocean exploration started in 1807 and it is when people from a special company go in to the ocean to find sea life and objects. Space and ocean exploration have many similarities; however, they also have many differences.

Space and ocean exploration are alike in that they both use vehicles, both are required to be approved by the president or government, and both have been given money to fund their operations. Space and ocean exploration are alike because they both need specialized vehicles. Space exploration needs a rocket to go in to outer space and ocean exploration needs a submarine to go in to the ocean. Likewise, both space and ocean exploration are approved by the president or government. Ocean exploration was approved by the president in 1807: "President Thomas Jefferson signs authorizing the United States Coast Survey", (Anon, 1). This is like space exploration because the president or government approves of them as well. In the same way, both space and ocean exploration have been given money. Space exploration has been given a lot of money. "In fiscal year 2013 NASA's annual exploration budget was roughly $3.8 billion" (Conathan, 12). This is like ocean exploration because they have been given $23.7 million in the same year. Although space and ocean exploration have many similarities, they also have many differences.

The differences between space and ocean exploration include how they do transport, who the first person was to go to space or the ocean, and where they live while exploring. Space and ocean exploration are different in the types of vehicles that they use. According to the video, "Space Race: 20th Century Timeline and Firsts", space exploration requires a fuel rocket to go to space. This differs from ocean exploration because instead of a rocket, ocean exploration requires a submarine. Space and ocean exploration are different in who was the first person to go to space or to go in to deep ocean. For space exploration in 1961, "Allan Shepard becomes first American in space..."(Anon, 4). This differs from ocean exploration because in 1934 William Beebe was the first person in deep ocean. Space and ocean exploration are different because of the places they live while in space or ocean. While exploring the ocean, scientists live in a lab called "sea lab". This differs from space exploration because while exploring space, astronauts live in a lab called "sky lab".

Space and ocean exploration have many similarities; however, they also have many differences. Both space and ocean are very important to explore because we might be able to find a planet that can support life. It is important to explore the ocean because we might find some new ingredient for medicine. Also, they are really important for education. In conclusion, space and ocean exploration are very important and need continued funding.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay focuses the readers’ attention by defining space and ocean exploration in the introduction. (“ There are many explorations going on in the world, but there are two that are very important which are space and ocean exploration. Space exploration started in1783, and it is when people from a special company go in to outer space to find planets and objects. Ocean exploration started in 1807 and it is when people from a special company go in to the ocean to find sea life and objects. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ Space and ocean exploration have many similarities; however, they also have many differences. ”)

Specific information from the text connects to the purpose of the task and effectively maintains the focus of the thesis statement. (“ Likewise, both space and ocean exploration are approved by the president or government. Ocean exploration was approved by the president in 1807: ‘President Thomas Jefferson signs authorizing the United States Coast Survey’, (Anon, 1). This is like space exploration because the president or government approves of them as well. In the same way, both space and ocean exploration have been given money. Space exploration has been given a lot of money. ‘In fiscal year 2013 NASA's annual exploration budget was roughly $3.8 billion’ (Conathan, 12). This is like ocean exploration because they have been given $23.7 million in the same year. ”)

Content & Development

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“ Space and ocean exploration are alike in that they both use vehicles, both are required to be approved by the president or government, and both have been given money to fund their operations. Space and ocean exploration are alike because they both need specialized vehicles. Space exploration needs a rocket to go in to outer space and ocean exploration needs a submarine to go in to the ocean. Likewise, both space and ocean exploration are approved by the president or government. Ocean exploration was approved by the president in 1807: ‘President Thomas Jefferson signs authorizing the United States Coast Survey’, (Anon, 1). This is like space exploration because the president or government approves of them as well. ”)

The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“ The differences between space and ocean exploration include how they do transport, who the first person was to go to space or the ocean, and where they live while exploring. Space and ocean exploration are different in the types of vehicles that they use. According to the video, ‘Space Race: 20th Century Timeline and Firsts’, space exploration requires a fuel rocket to go to space. This differs from ocean exploration because instead of a rocket, ocean exploration requires a submarine. Space and ocean exploration are different in who was the first person to go to space or to go in to deep ocean. For space exploration in 1961, ‘Allan Shepard becomes first American in space...’(Anon, 4). This differs from ocean exploration because in 1934 William Beebe was the first person in deep ocean. ”)

Details explain each main idea, but the writer could further illustrate the differences or similarities by elaborating on the conditions of each environment. For example, the writer could discuss the issues specific to each living situation. How would the lack of gravity in space affect the astronauts living in a space station as compared to living conditions in a sea lab? Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message. (“ Space and ocean exploration are different because of the places they live while in space or ocean. While exploring the ocean, scientists live in a lab called ‘sea lab’. This differs from space exploration because while exploring space, astronauts live in a lab called ‘sky lab’. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ There are many explorations going on in the world, but there are two that are very important which are space and ocean exploration. Space exploration started in1783, and it is when people from a special company go in to outer space to find planets and objects. Ocean exploration started in 1807 and it is when people from a special company go in to the ocean to find sea life and objects. Space and ocean exploration have many similarities; however, they also have many differences. ”)

Transitions between sentences are used well. (“ Space exploration needs a rocket to go in to outer space and ocean exploration needs a submarine to go in to the ocean. Likewise, both space and ocean exploration are approved by the president or government. Ocean exploration was approved by the president in 1807: ‘President Thomas Jefferson signs authorizing the United States Coast Survey’, (Anon, 1). This is like space exploration because the president or government approves of them as well. ”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Space and ocean exploration have many similarities; however, they also have many differences. Both space and ocean are very important to explore because we might be able to find a planet that can support life. It is important to explore the ocean because we might find some new ingredient for medicine. Also, they are really important for education. In conclusion, space and ocean exploration are very important and need continued funding. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ In the same way, both space and ocean exploration have been given money. Space exploration has been given a lot of money. ‘In fiscal year 2013 NASA's annual exploration budget was roughly $3.8 billion’ (Conathan, 12). This is like ocean exploration because they have been given $23.7 million in the same year. Although space and ocean exploration have many similarities, they also have many differences. ”)

The writer employs appropriate word choices to contrast space and oceanic exploration. (“ The differences between space and ocean exploration include how they do transport, who the first person was to go to space or the ocean, and where they live while exploring. Space and ocean exploration are different in the types of vehicles that they use. According to the video, ‘Space Race: 20th Century Timeline and Firsts’, space exploration requires a fuel rocket to go to space. This differs from ocean exploration because instead of a rocket, ocean exploration requires a submarine. ”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Space and ocean exploration have many similarities; however, they also have many differences. Both space and ocean are very important to explore because we might be able to find a planet that can support life. It is important to explore the ocean because we might find some new ingredient for medicine. Also, they are really important for education. In conclusion, space and ocean exploration are very important and need continued funding. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ ‘In fiscal year 2013 NASA's annual exploration budget was roughly $3.8 billion’ (Conathan, 12). This is like ocean exploration because they have been given $23.7 million in the same year. Although space and ocean exploration have many similarities, they also have many differences. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There has been unexplored places which have alot of information we don't know, like oceans and space. Space exploration has been a challenging task because it does not allow humans to breathe and go far places. Ocean exploration has not been explored thoroughly, for example we do not know how deep it is. While space exploration and ocean exploration are similar in some ways, they were also different.

Space exploration and ocean exploration are alike in that they created robotic systems, use technology, and need oxygen to breathe. Space exploration ocean exploration both created robotic systems, ''William Bebe is lowered in a tethered bathysphere 923 meters'' (Anon, 1)''. This is like space exploration because space exploration requires rovers, and satellites. Space exploration and ocean exploration share another similarity such as they both use technology. ''1957, soviet union launches sputnik'' (Anon, 4)''. This is like space exploration because ocean exploration uses sonar's to detect movement or see something in the water. Space exploration does not allow humans to breathe up in space. This is like space exploration because there is no oxygen underwater.

The differences between space exploration and ocean exploration are, 1934 first submarine made, you go up in space, and there is no life in space. While space exploration requires rockets ocean exploration requires submarines. ''Alexander aggasis makes long research voyages to the south pacific'' (Anon, 1)''. This is like space exploration because astronauts study space with rockets. In space exploration you have to go up to get to space. ''Allan shepard becomes first American in space'' (Anon, 4)''. This is like ocean exploration because submarines have to go to the top of the surface of the ocean because they cannot stay underwater forever. In space there is no life because so far we haven't discovered new life besides earth. This is like ocean exploration because we haven't gone to the bottom of the ocean, and we don't know what other types of creatures live there.

In conclusion I think there are alot of differences and similarities about ocean exploration and space exploration. I think that ocean exploration is interesting because we may discover new life everyday. I think space exploration is interesting because it helps us predict when something huge or dangerous may happen. This is why ocean exploration and space exploration are so interesting and hard jobs to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the controlling or central idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“ While space exploration and ocean exploration are similar in some ways, they were also different. ”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the similarities and differences between space and oceanic exploration. (“ There has been unexplored places which have alot of information we don't know, like oceans and space. Space exploration has been a challenging task because it does not allow humans to breathe and go far places. Ocean exploration has not been explored thoroughly, for example we do not know how deep it is. While space exploration and ocean exploration are similar in some ways, they were also different. ”)

The writer makes connections between specific information from the passages and his/her ideas. (“ Space exploration ocean exploration both created robotic systems, ‘William Bebe is lowered in a tethered bathysphere 923 meters’ (Anon, 1)’. This is like space exploration because space exploration requires rovers, and satellites. Space exploration and ocean exploration share another similarity such as they both use technology. ‘1957, soviet union launches sputnik’ (Anon, 4)’. ”)

Content & Development

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of how discoveries were made in both environments. (“ The differences between space exploration and ocean exploration are, 1934 first submarine made, you go up in space, and there is no life in space. While space exploration requires rockets ocean exploration requires submarines. ‘Alexander aggasis makes long research voyages to the south pacific’ (Anon, 1)’. This is like space exploration because astronauts study space with rockets. In space exploration you have to go up to get to space. ‘Allan shepard becomes first American in space’ (Anon, 4)’. ”)

The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the text. (“ This is like ocean exploration because submarines have to go to the top of the surface of the ocean because they cannot stay underwater forever. In space there is no life because so far we haven't discovered new life besides earth. This is like ocean exploration because we haven't gone to the bottom of the ocean, and we don't know what other types of creatures live there. ”)

The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Space exploration and ocean exploration are alike in that they created robotic systems, use technology, and need oxygen to breathe. Space exploration ocean exploration both created robotic systems, ‘William Bebe is lowered in a tethered bathysphere 923 meters’ (Anon, 1)’. This is like space exploration because space exploration requires rovers, and satellites. Space exploration and ocean exploration share another similarity such as they both use technology. ‘1957, soviet union launches sputnik’ (Anon, 4)’. This is like space exploration because ocean exploration uses sonar's to detect movement or see something in the water. Space exploration does not allow humans to breathe up in space. This is like space exploration because there is no oxygen underwater. ”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by pointing out challenges for explorers in both ocean and space environments. (“ There has been unexplored places which have alot of information we don't know, like oceans and space. Space exploration has been a challenging task because it does not allow humans to breathe and go far places. Ocean exploration has not been explored thoroughly, for example we do not know how deep it is. While space exploration and ocean exploration are similar in some ways, they were also different. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way. (“ The differences between space exploration and ocean exploration are, 1934 first submarine made, you go up in space, and there is no life in space. While space exploration requires rockets ocean exploration requires submarines. ”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion I think there are alot of differences and similarities about ocean exploration and space exploration. I think that ocean exploration is interesting because we may discover new life everyday. I think space exploration is interesting because it helps us predict when something huge or dangerous may happen. This is why ocean exploration and space exploration are so interesting and hard jobs to do. ”)

Language Use & Style

Many sentences throughout the essay begin with the words “ This is like…” The repetitive language and sentence structure mutes the writer’s voice. (“ This is like space exploration because space exploration requires rovers, and satellites. Space exploration and ocean exploration share another similarity such as they both use technology. ‘1957, soviet union launches sputnik’ (Anon, 4)’. This is like space exploration because ocean exploration uses sonar's to detect movement or see something in the water. Space exploration does not allow humans to breathe up in space. This is like space exploration because there is no oxygen underwater. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ The differences between space exploration and ocean exploration are, 1934 first submarine made, you go up in space, and there is no life in space. While space exploration requires rockets ocean exploration requires submarines. ”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ In space exploration you have to go up to get to space. ‘Allan shepard becomes first American in space’ (Anon, 4)’. This is like ocean exploration because submarines have to go to the top of the surface of the ocean because they cannot stay underwater forever. In space there is no life because so far we haven't discovered new life besides earth. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this story space exploration and ocean exploration, it revels that humans mostly go to the ocean more. To compare space to ocean exploration it is important to compare that they both have pretty recoures. The similarities between ocean and exploration are very little similarer. Although, the differences are space exploration have no life for animal's or humans And oceans has 50 percent of the United Sates.

By comparing oceanic to space exploration, it becomes clear that both have long history, and they both have acheivments. They also both found lakes in both oceans and plants. And you can float in the ocean and space. They need technology to explore the ocean and space exploration is the same way as you need money to explorer them both.

The different between space and ocean are important because space exploration is different from ocean exploration because they explore space more then the ocean. A key reason these exploration are different is that there is no more information about space then ocean exploration. The quote ''no life for animals or humans'' show that the difference between ocean and space exploration. Another example can be found in differences animals adapted their environment. This example explains that they want to protect their environment.

To summarize the story space and ocean exploration, it is also talking about that they both sound so interesting as stared earlier, the purpose of comparing and contrasting the story was to make the advance think it sounds very intersting. Finally they are both very good places and very intersting to go to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she implies few connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The essay provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay’s focus is limited. The writer does focus on comparing and contrasting space and oceanic exploration, but the descriptions are limited at best and affect the readers’ understanding of the text. (“ By comparing oceanic to space exploration, it becomes clear that both have long history, and they both have acheivments. They also both found lakes in both oceans and plants. And you can float in the ocean and space.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. He/she should include more meaningful connections to the text to illustrate similarities and differences more clearly. (“ The quote ‘no life for animals or humans’ show that the difference between ocean and space exploration. Another example can be found in differences animals adapted their environment. This example explains that they want to protect their environment. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ By comparing oceanic to space exploration, it becomes clear that both have long history, and they both have acheivments. They also both found lakes in both oceans and plants. And you can float in the ocean and space. They need technology to explore the ocean and space exploration is the same way as you need money to explorer them both. ”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“ The different between space and ocean are important because space exploration is different from ocean exploration because they explore space more then the ocean. A key reason these exploration are different is that there is no more information about space then ocean exploration. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should clearly support the differences between explorations in space and in the ocean. (“ The quote ‘no life for animals or humans’ show that the difference between ocean and space exploration. Another example can be found in differences animals adapted their environment. This example explains that they want to protect their environment. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. (“ In this story space exploration and ocean exploration, it revels that humans mostly go to the ocean more. To compare space to ocean exploration it is important to compare that they both have pretty recoures. The similarities between ocean and exploration are very little similarer. Although, the differences are space exploration have no life for animal's or humans And oceans has 50 percent of the United Sates.”)

Strong transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ They also both found lakes in both oceans and plants. And you can float in the ocean and space. ”)

The writer provides a conclusion in the essay and attempts to summarize main ideas. (“ To summarize the story space and ocean exploration, it is also talking about that they both sound so interesting as stared earlier, the purpose of comparing and contrasting the story was to make the advance think it sounds very intersting. Finally they are both very good places and very intersting to go to. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay contains sentence fragments. (“ Although, the differences are space exploration have no life for animal's or humans And oceans has 50 percent of the United Sates. ”)

Word choice throughout the essay is repetitive. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting. (“ By comparing oceanic to space exploration, it becomes clear that both have long history, and they both have acheivments. They also both found lakes in both oceans and plants.”)

Some sentences are awkwardly structured and do not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience . (“ To summarize the story space and ocean exploration, it is also talking about that they both sound so interesting as stared earlier, the purpose of comparing and contrasting the story was to make the advance think it sounds very intersting.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“ The different between space and ocean are important because space exploration is different from ocean exploration because they explore space more then the ocean. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ocean and space exploration helps us find out a whole lot more about our planet just think about it most of Earth is under water, and only 3% out of 50% has been explored. Then agin one mile under the deep sea takes about five hours to actually get to. Finding planets similar to Eath and new inviroments is facinating.

There are sevaral ways ocean and space exploration are alike. Both discover new enviroments and habitats They even get to see other interesting things such as tub woarms, and squid. Thats the incredable part through they get to witness somthing no one has bfore.

there lots of ways they can be diffrent. Like one explores the ocean and the other explore space. Ocenogeraphers studie the impact of the deep sea, and find spices we never know existed. scientist studie Mars and make up maps. Ocean an space exploration may have sevaral things in common or absolutly nothing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“ Ocean and space exploration helps us find out a whole lot more about our planet just think about it most of Earth is under water, and only 3% out of 50% has been explored.”)

The controlling/central idea needs to be defined more effectively so the readers understand that the purpose of the essay is to compare and contrast space and oceanic exploration. (“Ocean and space exploration helps us find out a whole lot more about our planet just think about it most of Earth is under water, and only 3% out of 50% has been explored. Then agin one mile under the deep sea takes about five hours to actually get to. Finding planets similar to Eath and new inviroments is facinating.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on the controlling/central idea sufficiently. More text references are needed to give the readers a true sense of the two environments being described in order to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Both discover new enviroments and habitats They even get to see other interesting things such as tub woarms, and squid. Thats the incredable part through they get to witness somthing no one has bfore.”)

Content & Development

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give the readers a clear picture of the specific ways that exploration of space differs from exploring the ocean. (“there lots of ways they can be diffrent. Like one explores the ocean and the other explore space. Ocenogeraphers studie the impact of the deep sea, and find spices we never know existed. scientist studie Mars and make up maps.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“Ocean an space exploration may have sevaral things in common or absolutly nothing.”)

The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific details of what scientists might witness in space exploration. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message. (“ Both discover new enviroments and habitats They even get to see other interesting things such as tub woarms, and squid. Thats the incredable part through they get to witness somthing no one has bfore.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Ocean and space exploration helps us find out a whole lot more about our planet just think about it most of Earth is under water, and only 3% out of 50% has been explored. Then agin one mile under the deep sea takes about five hours to actually get to. Finding planets similar to Eath and new inviroments is facinating. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ there lots of ways they can be diffrent. Like one explores the ocean and the other explore space. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Ocean an space exploration may have sevaral things in common or absolutly nothing. ”)

Language Use & Style

Incorrect word choice and language usage throughout the essay impedes the effective communication of the writer’s ideas. (“ Ocenogeraphers studie the impact of the deep sea, and find spices we never know existed.”)

The essay contains errors in sentence structure including sentence fragments. (“ there lots of ways they can be diffrent. Like one explores the ocean and the other explore space.”)

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“ Ocean and space exploration helps us find out a whole lot more about our planet just think about it most of Earth is under water, and only 3% out of 50% has been explored. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“Both discover new enviroments and habitats They even get to see other interesting things such as tub woarms, and squid. Thats the incredable part through they get to witness somthing no one has bfore.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In oceanagraphy they talk about how they send a camara to the oceaan. They saw lots of fish the most they saw was the jelly fish. In 1807 Tomas Jeferson singed a bill to let the government explore the ocean. did you know that in 1882 the first ship vessel was biult for ocean exploration. In 1943 a man cald Jaques cuetoe envented the aqua lung there for changes the exploration whith in sea and man kind.

In 1912 the titanic sunk and then killing about 1,500 people that where on the ship. Lots of

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not have a clearly defined controlling or central idea/ thesis statement. (“ In oceanagraphy they talk about how they send a camara to the oceaan.”)

The essay’s controlling/central idea relates to ocean exploration but illustrates little understanding of the purpose of the task. The essay does not connect oceanic exploration to space exploration. (“ did you know that in 1882 the first ship vessel was biult for ocean exploration.”)

In order to make the essay’s message more effective and complete, the writer needs to choose details from the text that would improve the focus, such as similarities and differences between the exploration of space and the ocean. (“In 1912 the titanic sunk and then killing about 1,500 people that where on the ship.”)

Content & Development

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“They saw lots of fish the most they saw was the jelly fish.”)

In the brief response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“In oceanagraphy they talk about how they send a camara to the oceaan. They saw lots of fish the most they saw was the jelly fish. In 1807 Tomas Jeferson singed a bill to let the government explore the ocean. did you know that in 1882 the first ship vessel was biult for ocean exploration. In 1943 a man cald Jaques cuetoe envented the aqua lung there for changes the exploration whith in sea and man kind. … In 1912 the titanic sunk and then killing about 1,500 people that where on the ship. Lots of”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In oceanagraphy they talk about how they send a camara to the oceaan.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ In 1807 Tomas Jeferson singed a bill to let the government explore the ocean. did you know that in 1882 the first ship vessel was biult for ocean exploration.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ In 1912 the titanic sunk and then killing about 1,500 people that where on the ship. Lots of”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ In oceanagraphy they talk about how they send a camara to the oceaan. They saw lots of fish the most they saw was the jelly fish.”)

Incorrect word choice and unclear language use confuse the writer’s message. (“In 1943 a man cald Jaques cuetoe envented the aqua lung there for changes the exploration whith in sea and man kind.”)

The essay includes run-on sentences. (“ They saw lots of fish the most they saw was the jelly fish.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Construction Projects

Carefully read "The Panama Canal" and "The Mystery of the Moai." They both describe very different construction projects. Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you compare and contrast the purpose behind each structure and the challenges the builders faced. Use details from both articles to support your answer.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever contemplated the undiscovered wonders of the world, besides the other seven? These structures are usually man-made. Even so, sometimes we are not sure who built these in the first place. This is what makes these undiscovered wonders so magical. The Panama Canal and Easter Island heads are just two of the many eye-opening places of the world. Though both of these mega-structures are prominent in their own ways, someone had to have built them, struggled with hardships of building them, and actually decided why to build them.

Initially, you may ponder the purpose for creating these world wonders. For starters, the Spanish wanted an easier way to carry their treasure. The French were the first people to actually start this massive project. When the Americans began to take a particular interest in this region, they wanted an easier way for Navy ships to travel over the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans quickly. Without the Panama Canal it would take weeks to travel around the southern tip of Africa. Like you might have guessed, this wasn't the safest way to travel either. Many ships either wrecked or sank before they could reach their destination. On the other hand, it is believed that the natives of Easter Island, or Polynesians, based the statue heads, or Moai, on their religion. In their religion, they believed that the statues walked out of the ground and sat on their podiums to watch over their people. Ultimately, like all great structures, the Panama Canal and the Moai relate and differ.

Likewise, all great structures had to be built by someone, but whom? Historians believe that Spanish kings were the first to think about the idea of crossing the isthmus as early as the 1500's. In 1880, the French began working on the Panama Canal. Because of the many hardships, this project failed around the early 1900's. In 1904, America decided to attempt to overcome the major obstacle of finishing what the French had begun. Alternatively, how the Moai ended up on their pedestals, raises many questions. One theory is that the Moai are their gods in the form of a statue. Another theory is that the Polynesians carved and raised these statues a very long time ago despite the obvious inquiries about how the natives actually carried out this idea. All things considered, these builders had to overcome many different obstacles.

Due to the numerous challenges the builders encountered, problems were inevitable. Some problems associated with building the Panama Canal are extreme heat, rugged terrain, and financial issues. In fact, the French abandoned the project because their company went bankrupt. Additionally, disease and accidents killed over 30,000 workers altogether! On the other hand, the builders of the mysterious Moai faced totally different challenges. First, the builders would have had to carve these massive structures some of which could be as tall as 72 feet. After the carving process had ended, the massive Moai would have had to have been moved miles to their Ahu or their podium. Subsequently, they would have had to use ropes and levers to raise the Moai which could have weighed up to 165 tons! Despite all of the challenges, and problems that were faced, both structures still stand tall today.

Because of motivated builders, determined cultures, and overcame challenges, the Panama Canal and the Eastern Island Moai have not only succeeded in changing how we look at life, but also how we live our life. If more wonders are ever added to the official list, my bet is that at least one of these mega structures will have a really good chance of making it into the history books.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning by demonstrating a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between text and task through a controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the audience and effectively completes all parts of the task, leaving the readers with a clear picture of the purpose of each construction project, the challenges they presented to the builders, and the motivations that made these structures a reality.

The essay engages the readers in the introduction by asking them to consider some other wonders of the world other than the original seven. (“ Have you ever contemplated the undiscovered wonders of the world, besides the other seven? These structures are usually man-made. Even so, sometimes we are not sure who built these in the first place. This is what makes these undiscovered wonders so magical. The Panama Canal and Easter Island heads are just two of the many eye-opening places of the world. Though both of these mega-structures are prominent in their own ways, someone had to have built them, struggled with hardships of building them, and actually decided why to build them. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ For starters, the Spanish wanted an easier way to carry their treasure. The French were the first people to actually start this massive project. When the Americans began to take a particular interest in this region, they wanted an easier way for Navy ships to travel over the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans quickly. Without the Panama Canal it would take weeks to travel around the southern tip of Africa. Like you might have guessed, this wasn't the safest way to travel either. Many ships either wrecked or sank before they could reach their destination. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples presented very effectively. (“ Due to the numerous challenges the builders encountered, problems were inevitable. Some problems associated with building the Panama Canal are extreme heat, rugged terrain, and financial issues. In fact, the French abandoned the project because their company went bankrupt. Additionally, disease and accidents killed over 30,000 workers altogether! On the other hand, the builders of the mysterious Moai faced totally different challenges. First, the builders would have had to carve these massive structures some of which could be as tall as 72 feet. After the carving process had ended, the massive Moai would have had to have been moved miles to their Ahu or their podium. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text and by using a variety of methods to include credible information (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the purposes and challenges of the construction projects very effectively. (“First, the builders would have had to carve these massive structures some of which could be as tall as 72 feet. After the carving process had ended, the massive Moai would have had to have been moved miles to their Ahu or their podium. Subsequently, they would have had to use ropes and levers to raise the Moai which could have weighed up to 165 tons! Despite all of the challenges, and problems that were faced, both structures still stand tall today.”)

Details and paraphrasing from the text explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“ When the Americans began to take a particular interest in this region, they wanted an easier way for Navy ships to travel over the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans quickly. Without the Panama Canal it would take weeks to travel around the southern tip of Africa. Like you might have guessed, this wasn't the safest way to travel either. Many ships either wrecked or sank before they could reach their destination. On the other hand, it is believed that the natives of Easter Island, or Polynesians, based the statue heads, or Moai, on their religion. In their religion, they believed that the statues walked out of the ground and sat on their podiums to watch over their people. Ultimately, like all great structures, the Panama Canal and the Moai relate and differ. ”)

Specific information about each construction project is developed very effectively. (“ Due to the numerous challenges the builders encountered, problems were inevitable. Some problems associated with building the Panama Canal are extreme heat, rugged terrain, and financial issues. In fact, the French abandoned the project because their company went bankrupt. Additionally, disease and accidents killed over 30,000 workers altogether! ”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a conclusion that provides closure. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively captures his/her audience’s attention in the introduction by inviting the readers to ponder the construction of little-known marvels of the world. (“ Have you ever contemplated the undiscovered wonders of the world, besides the other seven? These structures are usually man-made. Even so, sometimes we are not sure who built these in the first place. This is what makes these undiscovered wonders so magical. The Panama Canal and Easter Island heads are just two of the many eye-opening places of the world. Though both of these mega-structures are prominent in their own ways, someone had to have built them, struggled with hardships of building them, and actually decided why to build them. ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and sentences. (“ Some problems associated with building the Panama Canal are extreme heat, rugged terrain, and financial issues. In fact, the French abandoned the project because their company went bankrupt. Additionally, disease and accidents killed over 30,000 workers altogether! On the other hand, the builders of the mysterious Moai faced totally different challenges. ”)

The writer includes an ending that, although brief, provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Because of motivated builders, determined cultures, and overcame challenges, the Panama Canal and the Eastern Island Moai have not only succeeded in changing how we look at life, but also how we live our life. If more wonders are ever added to the official list, my bet is that at least one of these mega structures will have a really good chance of making it into the history books. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the scenario that prompted the creation of the Panama Canal in the first place. (“ Initially, you may ponder the purpose for creating these world wonders. For starters, the Spanish wanted an easier way to carry their treasure. The French were the first people to actually start this massive project. When the Americans began to take a particular interest in this region, they wanted an easier way for Navy ships to travel over the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans quickly. Without the Panama Canal it would take weeks to travel around the southern tip of Africa. Like you might have guessed, this wasn't the safest way to travel either. Many ships either wrecked or sank before they could reach their destination. ”)

The writer’s use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“… the builders of the mysterious Moai faced totally different challenges. First, the builders would have had to carve these massive structures some of which could be as tall as 72 feet. After the carving process had ended, the massive Moai would have had to have been moved miles to their Ahu or their podium. Subsequently, they would have had to use ropes and levers to raise the Moai which could have weighed up to 165 tons! Despite all of the challenges, and problems that were faced, both structures still stand tall today.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the response. (“ Likewise, all great structures had to be built by someone, but whom? Historians believe that Spanish kings were the first to think about the idea of crossing the isthmus as early as the 1500's. In 1880, the French began working on the Panama Canal. Because of the many hardships, this project failed around the early 1900's. In 1904, America decided to attempt to overcome the major obstacle of finishing what the French had begun. Alternatively, how the Moai ended up on their pedestals, raises many questions. One theory is that the Moai are their gods in the form of a statue. Another theory is that the Polynesians carved and raised these statues a very long time ago despite the obvious inquiries about how the natives actually carried out this idea. All things considered, these builders had to overcome many different obstacles. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I was young, I was given the chance to stand on a huge ship that had been used in the navy. The ship was named the USS Pomeroy. While I was there I felt indescribably small. That ship made me look smaller than an ant. I wondered, "How could anyone build something like this?" Just imagine how the people who built some of the other great works of construction. I bet they felt immense pride and also insignificant, like I did. There are two structures that stand out though. The Panama Canal and the Eastern Island Moai were built for different purposes, they had different builders, also many individual challenges for each, and all this changed the lives of many.

What was the purpose of some of the most amazing feats in human history built? Well, the Panama Canal was built for many reasons. It would provide a quicker and much safer route from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean for the American Navy that was posted in California. It was also a way to open trade routes from the Pacific to the Atlantic. While we know why the Panama Canal was built, there is a shroud of mystery surrounding the standing statues of Easter Island. Some believe that they were built for religious reasons. Other people believe that they were built to protect and watch over the people of Easter Island. To the islanders they represented the past Island Leaders. Without a doubt, these Moai are a mystery. Ultimately these are both very impressive architectural feats that amaze the world.

Before we can truly understand the magnificence of these two creations, we need to understand who built them. The Panama Canal was started by the French in 1880. They had a hard time while building it, so they finally decided to quit. That left a half finished canal that needed to be finished. That is why in 1904 the United States of America decided to complete the project. It was opened on August 15, 1914. Unlike the Panama Canal, the creators of the Moai are not really known. We believe that the people who built the Moai were the islanders of Easter Island (they are thought to be Polynesians), but we don't know for sure. Even though historians have been trying to figure out who built the Moai for years, they still don't know. To our dismay, it seems that we will never know who built the Moai. These people were very different, but they accomplished amazing things.

These people were very determined to finish their creations, but they ran into some trouble along the way. For the builders of the Panama Canal the challenges were a little different than those of the builders of the Moai. The builders of the Panama Canal had to worry about money, disease, terrible rains, and cutting through a dense forest in extreme heat. This all cost the builder around 30,000 workers by the time the Panama Canal was finished. The builders of the Moai were challenged by some similar things. They had to deal with rough landscape. This made it hard to transport the Moai. They also had to make the Moai, which would be incredibly hard. Just to make things worse when they had transported the Moai they had to put the roughly 13 foot-tall, 14 to 165 ton statues on their platforms (called ahu). In other words, these great works of art were built by people who were determined to finish them, no matter what stood before them.

The Panama Canal and the Eastern Island Moai seem like two very different structures, but they are strangely similar. Like many structures they had different builders, challenges, and purposes. A sad fact of this is, while we normally just see the structures we don't always see what it cost to build them. The builders of these structures had to be very determined and very ambitious to build these structures. Ultimately, this caused them to persevere through all challenges, fulfill their purposes, and do what was probably considered the impossible.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. Clear connections are made between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.

The writer captures the readers’ attention by recalling a childhood memory in the introduction. (“ When I was young, I was given the chance to stand on a huge ship that had been used in the navy. The ship was named the USS Pomeroy. While I was there I felt indescribably small. That ship made me look smaller than an ant. I wondered, ‘How could anyone build something like this?’ Just imagine how the people who built some of the other great works of construction. I bet they felt immense pride and also insignificant, like I did. There are two structures that stand out though. The Panama Canal and the Eastern Island Moai were built for different purposes, they had different builders, also many individual challenges for each, and all this changed the lives of many. ”)

Specific information from the text is used to effectively maintain the focus of the thesis statement. (“ The builders of the Panama Canal had to worry about money, disease, terrible rains, and cutting through a dense forest in extreme heat. This all cost the builder around 30,000 workers by the time the Panama Canal was finished. The builders of the Moai were challenged by some similar things. They had to deal with rough landscape. This made it hard to transport the Moai. They also had to make the Moai, which would be incredibly hard. Just to make things worse when they had transported the Moai they had to put the roughly 13 foot-tall, 14 to 165 ton statues on their platforms (called ahu). In other words, these great works of art were built by people who were determined to finish them, no matter what stood before them. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ The Panama Canal and the Eastern Island Moai seem like two very different structures, but they are strangely similar. Like many structures they had different builders, challenges, and purposes. A sad fact of this is, while we normally just see the structures we don't always see what it cost to build them. The builders of these structures had to be very determined and very ambitious to build these structures. Ultimately, this caused them to persevere through all challenges, fulfill their purposes, and do what was probably considered the impossible. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses more than one method to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of the similarities, differences, purposes, and challenges of each construction project.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Before we can truly understand the magnificence of these two creations, we need to understand who built them. The Panama Canal was started by the French in 1880. They had a hard time while building it, so they finally decided to quit. That left a half finished canal that needed to be finished. That is why in 1904 the United States of America decided to complete the project. It was opened on August 15, 1914. Unlike the Panama Canal, the creators of the Moai are not really known. We believe that the people who built the Moai were the islanders of Easter Island (they are thought to be Polynesians), but we don't know for sure. Even though historians have been trying to figure out who built the Moai for years, they still don't know. To our dismay, it seems that we will never know who built the Moai. These people were very different, but they accomplished amazing things.”)

The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“What was the purpose of some of the most amazing feats in human history built? Well, the Panama Canal was built for many reasons. It would provide a quicker and much safer route from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean for the American Navy that was posted in California. It was also a way to open trade routes from the Pacific to the Atlantic. While we know why the Panama Canal was built, there is a shroud of mystery surrounding the standing statues of Easter Island. Some believe that they were built for religious reasons. Other people believe that they were built to protect and watch over the people of Easter Island. To the islanders they represented the past Island Leaders. Without a doubt, these Moai are a mystery. Ultimately these are both very impressive architectural feats that amaze the world.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ These people were very determined to finish their creations, but they ran into some trouble along the way. For the builders of the Panama Canal the challenges were a little different than those of the builders of the Moai. The builders of the Panama Canal had to worry about money, disease, terrible rains, and cutting through a dense forest in extreme heat. This all cost the builder around 30,000 workers by the time the Panama Canal was finished.” )

Organization

There is good organization of ideas throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ When I was young, I was given the chance to stand on a huge ship that had been used in the navy. The ship was named the USS Pomeroy. While I was there I felt indescribably small. That ship made me look smaller than an ant. I wondered, ‘How could anyone build something like this?’ Just imagine how the people who built some of the other great works of construction. I bet they felt immense pride and also insignificant, like I did. There are two structures that stand out though. The Panama Canal and the Eastern Island Moai were built for different purposes, they had different builders, also many individual challenges for each, and all this changed the lives of many. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ Before we can truly understand the magnificence of these two creations, we need to understand who built them. The Panama Canal was started by the French in 1880. They had a hard time while building it, so they finally decided to quit. That left a half finished canal that needed to be finished. That is why in 1904 the United States of America decided to complete the project. It was opened on August 15, 1914. Unlike the Panama Canal, the creators of the Moai are not really known. We believe that the people who built the Moai were the islanders of Easter Island (they are thought to be Polynesians), but we don't know for sure. ”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ The Panama Canal and the Eastern Island Moai seem like two very different structures, but they are strangely similar. Like many structures they had different builders, challenges, and purposes. A sad fact of this is, while we normally just see the structures we don't always see what it cost to build them. The builders of these structures had to be very determined and very ambitious to build these structures. Ultimately, this caused them to persevere through all challenges, fulfill their purposes, and do what was probably considered the impossible. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. Although some sentences are short, the writer reveals other well-structured sentences with some variety .

Some sentence lengths are short. Creating more complex sentence structures would add sophistication to the writer’s message. (“ Before we can truly understand the magnificence of these two creations, we need to understand who built them. The Panama Canal was started by the French in 1880. They had a hard time while building it, so they finally decided to quit. That left a half finished canal that needed to be finished. That is why in 1904 the United States of America decided to complete the project. It was opened on August 15, 1914.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ These people were very determined to finish their creations, but they ran into some trouble along the way. For the builders of the Panama Canal the challenges were a little different than those of the builders of the Moai. The builders of the Panama Canal had to worry about money, disease, terrible rains, and cutting through a dense forest in extreme heat. This all cost the builder around 30,000 workers by the time the Panama Canal was finished.”)

The writer employs good word choices to highlight the purpose of each construction project. (“ What was the purpose of some of the most amazing feats in human history built? Well, the Panama Canal was built for many reasons. It would provide a quicker and much safer route from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean for the American Navy that was posted in California. It was also a way to open trade routes from the Pacific to the Atlantic. While we know why the Panama Canal was built, there is a shroud of mystery surrounding the standing statues of Easter Island. Some believe that they were built for religious reasons. Other people believe that they were built to protect and watch over the people of Easter Island. To the islanders they represented the past Island Leaders. Without a doubt, these Moai are a mystery. Ultimately these are both very impressive architectural feats that amaze the world. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Before we can truly understand the magnificence of these two creations, we need to understand who built them. The Panama Canal was started by the French in 1880. They had a hard time while building it, so they finally decided to quit. That left a half finished canal that needed to be finished. That is why in 1904 the United States of America decided to complete the project. It was opened on August 15, 1914. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The builders of the Panama Canal and the Moai both faced many challenges. However, both projects had a purpose and motivation.

According to the text, people wanted a shorter way to travel from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. They wanted to be able to have a faster way to transport goods. Before the Panama Canal, people had to sail for three weeks to get from one ocean to the other. This was very tedious. That was the motivation for constructing the Panama Canal. The Moai also had a purpose. The Moai's purpose is more unclear. Many people have speculated about it, but no one has been able to prove the purpose. According to the author, people have asked, 'Does the Moai protect the people of Rapa Nui and help them to live their lives?'. This essay will assume that the answer to the question is yes.

Although they are very different construction projects, the Moai and the Panama Canal have some similiar goals. Both tried to help people to live their lives. Although the Panama Canal in no way protected people, it also helped them to live their lives. Since sailors didn't have to sail their ships all the way around the tip of South America, it saved hundreds of lives. According to the passage, the Panama Canal changed the length of the journey from weeks to 8 hours. This means that now it is much easier to travel from one ocean to the other and transport goods around the world. That is how the Panama Canal helped people to live their lives. It is unknown how the Moai helps people to live their lives.

The builders of the Moai and the Panama Canal both faced great challenges. According to the text, there was lack of money to complete the canal. There was so little money that the French, who were digging the Canal, went bankrupt and had to turn the project over to the United States! Also, the builders faced many physical challenges. These were, according to the author of this passage, "intense heat, terrible rains, disease, rugged geography, blasting through mountains, and crossing the Chagres River". This shows that the builders faced many physical challenges with a lack of resources to meet them with.

The builders of the Moai also faced great challenges. Based on the information in the passage, they had to transport, carve, and raise hard ash that weighed up to 165 tons and was up to 72 feet tall. They had only very simple tools. This shows that the builders of the Moai also faced great physical challenges with a lack of resources to complete them. The builders of the Panama Canal had a lack of money and the builders of the Moai had a lack of sophisticated tools.

The Panama Canal and the Moai were very different. However, they had some similiarities. The Moai and the Panama Canal both helped people to live their lives, but the builders both faced many physical challenges with a lack of resources to face them. It was hard for them, but it was worth it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and implies connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the purpose, motivation, and challenge of creating each construction project. (“ Although they are very different construction projects, the Moai and the Panama Canal have some similiar goals. Both tried to help people to live their lives. Although the Panama Canal in no way protected people, it also helped them to live their lives. Since sailors didn't have to sail their ships all the way around the tip of South America, it saved hundreds of lives. According to the passage, the Panama Canal changed the length of the journey from weeks to 8 hours. This means that now it is much easier to travel from one ocean to the other and transport goods around the world. That is how the Panama Canal helped people to live their lives. It is unknown how the Moai helps people to live their lives. ”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ The builders of the Moai also faced great challenges. Based on the information in the passage, they had to transport, carve, and raise hard ash that weighed up to 165 tons and was up to 72 feet tall. They had only very simple tools. This shows that the builders of the Moai also faced great physical challenges with a lack of resources to complete them. The builders of the Panama Canal had a lack of money and the builders of the Moai had a lack of sophisticated tools. ”)

The writer makes connections between specific information from the passages and his/her ideas. (“ Before the Panama Canal, people had to sail for three weeks to get from one ocean to the other. This was very tedious. That was the motivation for constructing the Panama Canal. The Moai also had a purpose. The Moai's purpose is more unclear. Many people have speculated about it, but no one has been able to prove the purpose. According to the author, people have asked, 'Does the Moai protect the people of Rapa Nui and help them to live their lives?'. This essay will assume that the answer to the question is yes. ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses a predictable pattern of methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and/or direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“ The builders of the Moai also faced great challenges. Based on the information in the passage, they had to transport, carve, and raise hard ash that weighed up to 165 tons and was up to 72 feet tall. They had only very simple tools. This shows that the builders of the Moai also faced great physical challenges with a lack of resources to complete them. The builders of the Panama Canal had a lack of money and the builders of the Moai had a lack of sophisticated tools. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ Although they are very different construction projects, the Moai and the Panama Canal have some similiar goals. Both tried to help people to live their lives. Although the Panama Canal in no way protected people, it also helped them to live their lives. Since sailors didn't have to sail their ships all the way around the tip of South America, it saved hundreds of lives. According to the passage, the Panama Canal changed the length of the journey from weeks to 8 hours. This means that now it is much easier to travel from one ocean to the other and transport goods around the world. That is how the Panama Canal helped people to live their lives. It is unknown how the Moai helps people to live their lives. ”)

The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the text. (“ Although the Panama Canal in no way protected people, it also helped them to live their lives. Since sailors didn't have to sail their ships all the way around the tip of South America, it saved hundreds of lives. According to the passage, the Panama Canal changed the length of the journey from weeks to 8 hours. This means that now it is much easier to travel from one ocean to the other and transport goods around the world. ”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an opening to the response that, although very brief, keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development. Additionally, the writer provides the readers with a sense of closure.

The beginning of the essay, although brief, informs the readers that the purpose and motivation for each structure would be discussed in the essay response. (“ The builders of the Panama Canal and the Moai both faced many challenges. However, both projects had a purpose and motivation. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ Although they are very different construction projects, the Moai and the Panama Canal have some similiar goals. Both tried to help people to live their lives. Although the Panama Canal in no way protected people, it also helped them to live their lives. Since sailors didn't have to sail their ships all the way around the tip of South America, it saved hundreds of lives. According to the passage, the Panama Canal changed the length of the journey from weeks to 8 hours. This means that now it is much easier to travel from one ocean to the other and transport goods around the world. ”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect ideas in more meaningful ways.

The brief conclusion lacks an effective summary that would highlight the main points of the response, but it does manage to leave the readers with a sense of closure. (“ The Panama Canal and the Moai were very different. However, they had some similiarities. The Moai and the Panama Canal both helped people to live their lives, but the builders both faced many physical challenges with a lack of resources to face them. It was hard for them, but it was worth it. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The builders of the Moai also faced great challenges. Based on the information in the passage, they had to transport, carve, and raise hard ash that weighed up to 165 tons and was up to 72 feet tall. They had only very simple tools. This shows that the builders of the Moai also faced great physical challenges with a lack of resources to complete them. The builders of the Panama Canal had a lack of money and the builders of the Moai had a lack of sophisticated tools.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the purpose behind each structure and the challenges the builders faced . (“… the Panama Canal changed the length of the journey from weeks to 8 hours. This means that now it is much easier to travel from one ocean to the other and transport goods around the world. That is how the Panama Canal helped people to live their lives. It is unknown how the Moai helps people to live their lives. The builders of the Moai and the Panama Canal both faced great challenges. According to the text, there was lack of money to complete the canal. There was so little money that the French, who were digging the Canal, went bankrupt and had to turn the project over to the United States! Also, the builders faced many physical challenges.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ Before the Panama Canal, people had to sail for three weeks to get from one ocean to the other. This was very tedious. That was the motivation for constructing the Panama Canal. The Moai also had a purpose. The Moai's purpose is more unclear. Many people have speculated about it, but no one has been able to prove the purpose. According to the author, people have asked, 'Does the Moai protect the people of Rapa Nui and help them to live their lives?'. This essay will assume that the answer to the question is yes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ Although they are very different construction projects, the Moai and the Panama Canal have some similiar goals. Both tried to help people to live their lives. Although the Panama Canal in no way protected people, it also helped them to live their lives. Since sailors didn't have to sail their ships all the way around the tip of South America, it saved hundreds of lives. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

You see buildings everywhere. But did you ever think of architecture being something other than a building. I'm sure you would be thinking of bridges and other things. But what about ancient statues. These kind of things take time to build. The people that built these statues built them with minimal materials and volcano ash. These ancient wonders are called moai and they are found on Rapa Nui or Easter Island and only on Rapa nui or Easter Island vocanaash whatever you want to call it.

Do you know about the panama canal its used as a shortcut. Seventy two countries use it however the us uses it the most. A long time ago the french started the panama canal and stopped because they went bankrupt. So the us finished the canal and they owned it. However panama didn't like that they wanted to own the canal. They didn't like american military in their country so the us gave the canal to panama.

The moai of Rapa Nui have been there for a long time and supposedly that the moai guard the island from harm. Another natve belief is that the moai werent moved by humans that they walked to their spots. The ability to make them walk is called mana. They still carve moais today. Still out to the material.

both are still going on.

Both buildings are great achievements one costing millions of dollars to build and ancient statues from old times. Both took time both took precision and both are wonderful amazing achievements in the world. The reason I say time is because that there are eight hundered seventy seven moai and one canal. In conclusion the Panama canal and the moai of Rapa Nui are both amazing works of architeccture.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals a controlling idea in a very limited way. The writer should improve the focus of the controlling idea/thesis statement by referencing the text information more effectively. (“You see buildings everywhere. But did you ever think of architecture being something other than a building. I'm sure you would be thinking of bridges and other things. But what about ancient statues. ”)

The writer’s focus is limited. He/she only briefly focuses on each construction project, and the descriptions are limited at best. (“Do you know about the panama canal its used as a shortcut. Seventy two countries use it however the us uses it the most. A long time ago the french started the panama canal and stopped because they went bankrupt. So the us finished the canal and they owned it. However panama didn't like that they wanted to own the canal. They didn't like american military in their country so the us gave the canal to panama. The moai of Rapa Nui have been there for a long time and supposedly that the moai guard the island from harm. Another natve belief is that the moai werent moved by humans that they walked to their spots. The ability to make them walk is called mana. They still carve moais today. Still out to the material. both are still going on. ”)

The writer provides limited examples and should include more meaningful examples from the text to illustrate the similarities, differences, and challenges of the construction projects discussed in the text. (“ Both buildings are great achievements one costing millions of dollars to build and ancient statues from old times. Both took time both took precision and both are wonderful amazing achievements in the world. The reason I say time is because that there are eight hundered seventy seven moai and one canal. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Some sources used for quotes and facts may be cited correctly.

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Both buildings are great achievements one costing millions of dollars to build and ancient statues from old times. Both took time both took precision and both are wonderful amazing achievements in the world. The reason I say time is because that there are eight hundered seventy seven moai and one canal. ”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“ The people that built these statues built them with minimal materials and volcano ash. These ancient wonders are called moai and they are found on Rapa Nui or Easter Island and only on Rapa nui or Easter Island vocanaash whatever you want to call it. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should connect ideas clearly to strengthen support of the writer’s ideas. (“ Another natve belief is that the moai werent moved by humans that they walked to their spots. The ability to make them walk is called mana. They still carve moais today. Still out to the material. both are still going on. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. (“ You see buildings everywhere. But did you ever think of architecture being something other than a building. I'm sure you would be thinking of bridges and other things. ”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ Seventy two countries use it however the us uses it the most. A long time ago the french started the panama canal and stopped because they went bankrupt. So the us finished the canal and they owned it. However panama didn't like that they wanted to own the canal. They didn't like american military in their country so the us gave the canal to panama. ”)

The writer does not provide a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ In conclusion the Panama canal and the moai of Rapa Nui are both amazing works of architeccture. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. (“ You see buildings everywhere. But did you ever think of architecture being something other than a building. I'm sure you would be thinking of bridges and other things. But what about ancient statues. ”)

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“ These ancient wonders are called moai and they are found on Rapa Nui or Easter Island and only on Rapa nui or Easter Island vocanaash whatever you want to call it. ”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ The ability to make them walk is called mana. They still carve moais today. Still out to the material. both are still going on. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure the proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“ Do you know about the panama canal its used as a shortcut. Seventy two countries use it however the us uses it the most. A long time ago the french started the panama canal and stopped because they went bankrupt. So the us finished the canal and they owned it. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

One of the struggles were the extreme heat. Workers actually dehydrated from the intence heat. Some of them unnfortunatly died. Both Panama Canal and Moai. They cought numerous about of dieases. It was awfull.

The time constructing is what they took long on but it tunrd out to be one of the most engeeniring marvels in the world . Its amazing how they can built something so briliant but the time was worth it. The unfortunet part was that many people died and some even dissapeared. The Moai and the Panama Canl are still a mystery. People still dont know why they built it. Whatever it was it must of been for a good reason.It Took tehm over 30 years to built all that.

Both thehn Moai and The Panama Canal had alot of dangearous things in the time building it .This project faced many problems the statues could weigh over 165 tons ! When the Moai was beeing built it had alot of troubles beause it was beeing built when a war was happening. One of theyre biggest issue was the fact that over 30,000 people died building this . Another issue was the lack of money as it cost over 600 million dollors to finish .Then The Panama Canal there was very intence heats. Many people died during that time one because of the intence heats and two because of the war that was going on so during that time many people lost theyre loved ones.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“One of the struggles were the extreme heat. Workers actually dehydrated from the intence heat. Some of them unnfortunatly died. Both Panama Canal and Moai. They cought numerous about of dieases. It was awfull. ”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific details that would compare and contrast the two construction projects more effectively. Providing more details at every turn in the response would create a richly textured message that could give the readers a clearer picture of the similarities, differences, and challenges presented in constructing the projects discussed in the text.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the construction projects being described. More details from the text are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ Both thehn Moai and The Panama Canal had alot of dangearous things in the time building it .This project faced many problems the statues could weigh over 165 tons ! When the Moai was beeing built it had alot of troubles beause it was beeing built when a war was happening. One of theyre biggest issue was the fact that over 30,000 people died building this . ”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“ Another issue was the lack of money as it cost over 600 million dollors to finish . ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally by providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific or relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes) . Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or are not cited correctly.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s assertions in the essay response. (“ When the Moai was beeing built it had alot of troubles beause it was beeing built when a war was happening. One of theyre biggest issue was the fact that over 30,000 people died building this . Another issue was the lack of money as it cost over 600 million dollors to finish .Then The Panama Canal there was very intence heats. ”)

The writer provides repetitious evidence in many portions of the essay. (“One of the struggles were the extreme heat. Workers actually dehydrated from the intence heat. Some of them unnfortunatly died… Then The Panama Canal there was very intence heats. Many people died during that time one because of the intence heats and two because of the war that was going on so during that time many people lost theyre loved ones. ”)

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give the readers a clear picture of the specific purposes behind each structure and the challenges the builders faced in creating these historic pieces . (“ The time constructing is what they took long on but it tunrd out to be one of the most engeeniring marvels in the world . Its amazing how they can built something so briliant but the time was worth it. The unfortunet part was that many people died and some even dissapeared. The Moai and the Panama Canl are still a mystery. People still dont know why they built it. Whatever it was it must of been for a good reason.It Took tehm over 30 years to built all that. ”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. In fact, the writer neglects to include a clear introduction that would guide the readers through the response. He/she should provide background information in the introduction that would inform the readers about the projects being discussed. (“ One of the struggles were the extreme heat. Workers actually dehydrated from the intence heat. Some of them unnfortunatly died. Both Panama Canal and Moai. They cought numerous about of dieases. It was awfull. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The time constructing is what they took long on but it tunrd out to be one of the most engeeniring marvels in the world . Its amazing how they can built something so briliant but the time was worth it. The unfortunet part was that many people died and some even dissapeared. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Many people died during that time one because of the intence heats and two because of the war that was going on so during that time many people lost theyre loved ones. ”)

Language Use & Style

The minimal structure of many sentences impedes effective communication of the writer’s ideas. (“ Another issue was the lack of money as it cost over 600 million dollors to finish .Then The Panama Canal there was very intence heats. Many people died during that time one because of the intence heats and two because of the war that was going on so during that time many people lost theyre loved ones. ”)

There is repetition in the essay. (“ The Moai and the Panama Canl are still a mystery. People still dont know why they built it. Whatever it was it must of been for a good reason.It Took tehm over 30 years to built all that. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (“ Both thehn Moai and The Panama Canal had alot of dangearous things in the time building it .This project faced many problems the statues could weigh over 165 tons ! When the Moai was beeing built it had alot of troubles beause it was beeing built when a war was happening. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“ Workers actually dehydrated from the intence heat. Some of them unnfortunatly died. Both Panama Canal and Moai. They cought numerous about of dieases. It was awfull. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Both of the project's tell's History, and that's what i liked about this passag .The Panama Canal,and The Mystery of the Moai show if some one is going to do something they will get it done,it took a long time for the people to build the place's.If i was going to compar the stories the best one was about the Panama Canal. The canal just gives so much more details, and describe so much better.The purpose behind building the Panama Canal was so the ships could get to the other ocean faster. They built the statues because well i dont realy know why they built the statues.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea, nor does he/she adequately develop any ideas through use of examples and descriptive details from the text. (“ Both of the project's tell's History, and that's what i liked about this passag …If i was going to compar the stories the best one was about the Panama Canal.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from the text to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ The canal just gives so much more details, and describe so much better.The purpose behind building the Panama Canal was so the ships could get to the other ocean faster. They built the statues because well i dont realy know why they built the statues.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“The Panama Canal,and The Mystery of the Moai show if some one is going to do something they will get it done,it took a long time for the people to build the place's.”)

Content & Development

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“The Panama Canal,and The Mystery of the Moai show if some one is going to do something they will get it done,it took a long time for the people to build the place's.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“If i was going to compar the stories the best one was about the Panama Canal. The canal just gives so much more details, and describe so much better.”)

Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“The purpose behind building the Panama Canal was so the ships could get to the other ocean faster. They built the statues because well i dont realy know why they built the statues.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. Additionally, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Both of the project's tell's History, and that's what i liked about this passag .”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ The Panama Canal,and The Mystery of the Moai show if some one is going to do something they will get it done,it took a long time for the people to build the place's.If i was going to compar the stories the best one was about the Panama Canal.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ They built the statues because well i dont realy know why they built the statues.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style presented in the essay are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Some of the sentence lengths are short. (“ If i was going to compar the stories the best one was about the Panama Canal. The canal just gives so much more details, and describe so much better.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The purpose behind building the Panama Canal was so the ships could get to the other ocean faster. They built the statues because well i dont realy know why they built the statues.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“If i was going to compar the stories the best one was about the Panama Canal. The canal just gives so much more details, and describe so much better.The purpose behind building the Panama Canal was so the ships could get to the other ocean faster.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Crazy About Games”

Carefully read "Crazy About Games." Then write a multi-paragraph essay in which you summarize the article. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the article to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

To this person, holidays are meant for families to get together and play a variety of games. The setting of the family's get-togethers happens most at the grandparent's home. However, it seems that it does not matter to the family. As long as they are well united and having a good time, they do not quite care for where they assemble. I think that that is a lively way for a family to interact with each other. It makes times with one another more memorable and entertaining, in my opinion. A table with a game shelf is included in every house involved that the family goes to. Those are necessary to get the family activities and the sharing going on!

Monopoly, Parcheesi, Checkers, and Chess are included in the collection of the classic games that the person's family usually has. Despite that, the family has an unusual cluster of games from different members of the family. The uncle has an assortment of word games that include being clever with guessing, crossword-puzzles, and using proverbs of the old times. The adventurer of the family, which is the aunt, traveled to Japan and brought back a game called Go. The aunt is an old time fan of games such as cards ever since she was a teenager. She still lives up to her passion by carrying her personal deck of cards in her purse on-the-go to public places where she has time to spend with. The person's father collects heirloom games, which is purchased and collected from garage sales. The antiquity of the games absorbs the person to scrutinize the game rather than to actually play with the game. The traditional games contain wooden or ivory pieces with magnificently painted boards to go with. I can see why the game pieces and boards are catchier to look at than to be playing with.

There is an array selection of games is up to the family's liking. The family prefers games involving using their own expertise or games that merge skills and a bit of luck when they are in the spirit and are motivated to play. Sluggish, late nights influence the family to play games of chance to ease themselves up. There is a particular card game that always has the family come back to when they are gathered up. The person has concluded that this card game is pretty rare to people from having to teach the friends that are unknown to this card game. The game is based on the popular game of Solitaire (it is started by arranging out seven stacks of cards in front of you, and is played by getting all of your cards out by number and suit order). Since the game of Solitaire is played by one person, the family plays the multiplayer version called "Double Solitaire." Played with a group of people, each player is set with his own individual deck of cards. Having each person that is playing with their own deck of cards, the game cupboards must be well equipped to keep up with the standards of playing this game!

Double Solitaire is known to the family as a speedy, loud, and a very interactive game. Everyone that plays has to play down your card all at the same time with no turns to wait for. You can place your cards onto anyone else's weaker cards such as putting down my two of hearts on the person's ace of hearts; or the person putting his or her ten of diamonds onto my 9. Sometimes spotting the same card with two or three people can involve having to be speedy and attention-wise. When no more moves can be played, the round is ended after the played cards are separated and counted. The one with most cards played out during the round is the victor of that round. Certainly, the family would play round after rounds of victory, defeats, impatience, and over-enthusiasm.

Double Solitaire is what makes the family's holidays special and memorable. They have created it so that times can be rowdy with people stretching out their arms to play their cards. Things get messy with distractions and deceptions with some family members, but it seems that those points to the games add up to the fun. Victories have people animated and defeats have people grumbling about for their next winning chance. Otherwise, laughter is bound to be expressed in between ridiculous moves during the game. The family can not seem to live on holidays and family gatherings without at least a couple of rounds of Double Solitaire!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. There is a clearly stated topic and purpose. The essay shows a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and the writer makes insightful connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea or thesis statement.

Specific information from the text and task is used to effectively maintain the focus of the thesis statement. (“There is an array selection of games is up to the family's liking. The family prefers games involving using their own expertise or games that merge skills and a bit of luck when they are in the spirit and are motivated to play. Sluggish, late nights influence the family to play games of chance to ease themselves up. There is a particular card game that always has the family come back to when they are gathered up. The person has concluded that this card game is pretty rare to people from having to teach the friends that are unknown to this card game. The game is based on the popular game of Solitaire (it is started by arranging out seven stacks of cards in front of you, and is played by getting all of your cards out by number and suit order). Since the game of Solitaire is played by one person, the family plays the multiplayer version called ‘Double Solitaire.’”)

Details and specific information from the passage indicate what the focus of the essay should be. (“To this person, holidays are meant for families to get together and play a variety of games. The setting of the family's get-togethers happens most at the grandparent's home. However, it seems that it does not matter to the family. As long as they are well united and having a good time, they do not quite care for where they assemble. I think that that is a lively way for a family to interact with each other. It makes times with one another more memorable and entertaining, in my opinion. A table with a game shelf is included in every house involved that the family goes to. Those are necessary to get the family activities and the sharing going on!”)

Content & Development

This particular essay is characterized by having very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully using a variety of methods to reference and cite text to provide specific, accurate, and relevant details to argue or support the thesis statement (readings, prior knowledge, observations, and texts to help clarify or support the thesis statement and main ideas). All sources used for quotes and facts are credible and cited correctly.

Including supporting ideas with a summary and/or paraphrase of the text helps the writer avoid plagiarism. (“ Double Solitaire is known to the family as a speedy, loud, and a very interactive game. Everyone that plays has to play down your card all at the same time with no turns to wait for. You can place your cards onto anyone else's weaker cards such as putting down my two of hearts on the person's ace of hearts; or the person putting his or her ten of diamonds onto my 9. Sometimes spotting the same card with two or three people can involve having to be speedy and attention-wise. When no more moves can be played, the round is ended after the played cards are separated and counted. The one with most cards played out during the round is the victor of that round. Certainly, the family would play round after rounds of victory, defeats, impatience, and over-enthusiasm.”)

The following summary/paraphrase is used effectively: “Monopoly, Parcheesi, Checkers, and Chess are included in the collection of the classic games that the person's family usually has. Despite that, the family has an unusual cluster of games from different members of the family. The uncle has an assortment of word games that include being clever with guessing, crossword-puzzles, and using proverbs of the old times. The adventurer of the family, which is the aunt, traveled to Japan and brought back a game called Go. The aunt is an old time fan of games such as cards ever since she was a teenager. She still lives up to her passion by carrying her personal deck of cards in her purse on-the-go to public places where she has time to spend with. The person's father collects heirloom games, which is purchased and collected from garage sales. The antiquity of the games absorbs the person to scrutinize the game rather than to actually play with the game. The traditional games contain wooden or ivory pieces with magnificently painted boards to go with. I can see why the game pieces and boards are catchier to look at than to be playing with.”

Organization

The essay consists of very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, logical and effective sequence of main ideas and details, and a conclusion with a strong closure, as well as effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

Various transitions connect sentences and paragraphs well. (“However, it seems that it does not matter to the family. As long as they are well united and having a good time, they do not quite care for where they assemble.”)

The conclusion allows readers to reflect on the thesis or controlling point and restates the main points effectively. (“Double Solitaire is what makes the family's holidays special and memorable. They have created it so that times can be rowdy with people stretching out their arms to play their cards. Things get messy with distractions and deceptions with some family members, but it seems that those points to the games add up to the fun. Victories have people animated and defeats have people grumbling about for their next winning chance. Otherwise, laughter is bound to be expressed in between ridiculous moves during the game. The family can not seem to live on holidays and family gatherings without at least a couple of rounds of Double Solitaire!”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language, voice, and style is seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

Language and tone are consistent in sophistication. (“ There is an array selection of games is up to the family's liking. The family prefers games involving using their own expertise or games that merge skills and a bit of luck when they are in the spirit and are motivated to play. Sluggish, late nights influence the family to play games of chance to ease themselves up.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“ There is an array selection of games is up to the family's liking. The family prefers games involving using their own expertise or games that merge skills and a bit of luck when they are in the spirit and are motivated to play. Sluggish, late nights influence the family to play games of chance to ease themselves up. There is a particular card game that always has the family come back to when they are gathered up. The person has concluded that this card game is pretty rare to people from having to teach the friends that are unknown to this card game. The game is based on the popular game of Solitaire (it is started by arranging out seven stacks of cards in front of you, and is played by getting all of your cards out by number and suit order). Since the game of Solitaire is played by one person, the family plays the multiplayer version called ‘Double Solitaire.’ Played with a group of people, each player is set with his own individual deck of cards. Having each person that is playing with their own deck of cards, the game cupboards must be well equipped to keep up with the standards of playing this game! …Double Solitaire is known to the family as a speedy, loud, and a very interactive game. Everyone that plays has to play down your card all at the same time with no turns to wait for. You can place your cards onto anyone else's weaker cards such as putting down my two of hearts on the person's ace of hearts; or the person putting his or her ten of diamonds onto my 9. Sometimes spotting the same card with two or three people can involve having to be speedy and attention-wise. When no more moves can be played, the round is ended after the played cards are separated and counted. The one with most cards played out during the round is the victor of that round. Certainly, the family would play round after rounds of victory, defeats, impatience, and over-enthusiasm.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ When no more moves can be played, the round is ended after the played cards are separated and counted.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling . For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ There is an array selection of games is up to the family's liking. The family prefers games involving using their own expertise or games that merge skills and a bit of luck when they are in the spirit and are motivated to play.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story "Crazy About Games," a narrator talks about his/her family and their unique gatherings. The narrator says that instead of food, his family gathers and has lots of games. The narrator says his relatives have all the standard games such as Monopoly, Parcheesi, checkers, and chess. Everyone in the family has a unique sort of game they like to teach to and share with. The narrator speaks about his whole family and tells us how each family member takes interest in each other's games.

First, the speaker starts out talking about his uncle, and the games he likes to play. His uncle is a writer, so he likes to play word games. Next, the narrator moves on talking about his aunt. He says that his aunt travels very much, and she has a game of Go that she brought back from Japan . He also says she has a small deck of cards she likes to take out whenever she is bored. The narrator says that his/her aunt has traveled so much, that by now, the deck of cards have been all over. Following his aunt, he goes on to talk about his/her father. The Speaker says that his father collects antique games that he finds at garage sales. The narrator says that some of the old games look more amusing to look at then to play.

The narrator says that his family likes wide selections, so they have a variety of games. He/she says that when it's late and everyone is feeling sort of lazy, they relax with a game of chance. They also like to play games of skill and games with skill and luck. The narrator says that he/she teaches some of the family's unique card games to his/her friends. Most of the time, his/her friends haven't even heard of that particular game. They take simple games like Solitaire and add different rules to the games to make it more interesting.

One of the games they like to play is Double Solitaire. He explains how the Double Solitaire game is played. The narrator says that everyone plays at the same time, and you can play your cards on anyone else's cards. The speaker says everyone plays as fast as they can. The speaker explains further on how the game can be played, and says that his/her family plays several rounds, and as they go on, each round gets crazier.

In the end, the narrator says that a holiday or a family gathering would not be the same without some simple games. This family is truly crazy about games. The narrator says laughter reigns during and after every game. The narrator also adds that some of his family members have weird tricks to try to keep everyone else distracted. His, grandma hums, and the family suspect of Auntie Jean of cheating, but they don't care, as long as its a happy family playing a bunch of crazy games.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are shown in this essay. The writer demonstrates a complete and thorough understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and makes clear connections through a controlling or central idea.

Specific information from the text and task is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. (“ The narrator says that his family likes wide selections, so they have a variety of games. He/she says that when it's late and everyone is feeling sort of lazy, they relax with a game of chance. They also like to play games of skill and games with skill and luck. The narrator says that he/she teaches some of the family's unique card games to his/her friends. Most of the time, his/her friends haven't even heard of that particular game. They take simple games like Solitaire and add different rules to the games to make it more interesting.”)

Details and specific information from the text indicate the focus of the essay. (“ The narrator says that his family likes wide selections, so they have a variety of games. He/she says that when it's late and everyone is feeling sort of lazy, they relax with a game of chance. They also like to play games of skill and games with skill and luck. The narrator says that he/she teaches some of the family's unique card games to his/her friends. Most of the time, his/her friends haven't even heard of that particular game. They take simple games like Solitaire and add different rules to the games to make it more interesting.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are apparent in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and clearly and provide specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text. All sources used for quotes and facts are credible, and most are cited correctly.

Supporting ideas with a summary and/or paraphrase of the text “Crazy About Games” helps the writer avoid plagiarism. (“ One of the games they like to play is Double Solitaire. He explains how the Double Solitaire game is played. The narrator says that everyone plays at the same time, and you can play your cards on anyone else's cards. The speaker says everyone plays as fast as they can. The speaker explains further on how the game can be played, and says that his/her family plays several rounds, and as they go on, each round gets crazier.”)

The essay is supported by many details garnered from the text. (“ Next, the narrator moves on talking about his aunt. He says that his aunt travels very much, and she has a game of Go that she brought back from Japan . He also says she has a small deck of cards she likes to take out whenever she is bored. The narrator says that his/her aunt has traveled so much, that by now, the deck of cards have been all over. Following his aunt, he goes on to talk about his/her father. The Speaker says that his father collects antique games that he finds at garage sales. The narrator says that some of the old games look more amusing to look at then to play.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes a relevant anecdote about the topic. (“ In the story ‘Crazy About Games,’ a narrator talks about his/her family and their unique gatherings. The narrator says that instead of food, his family gathers and has lots of games. The narrator says his relatives have all the standard games such as Monopoly, Parcheesi, checkers, and chess. Everyone in the family has a unique sort of game they like to teach to and share with. The narrator speaks about his whole family and tells us how each family member takes interest in each other's games.”)

The conclusion allows readers to reflect on the thesis or controlling point (“ In the end, the narrator says that a holiday or a family gathering would not be the same without some simple games”) and restates the main points effectively. (“ In the end, the narrator says that a holiday or a family gathering would not be the same without some simple games. This family is truly crazy about games. The narrator says laughter reigns during and after every game. The narrator also adds that some of his family members have weird tricks to try to keep everyone else distracted. His, grandma hums, and the family suspect of Auntie Jean of cheating, but they don't care, as long as its a happy family playing a bunch of crazy games.”)

Effective transitions are used. (“ Next, the narrator moves on talking about his aunt. …In the end, the narrator says that a holiday or a family gathering would not be the same without some simple games.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits good language use, voice, and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are used.

Language and tone are consistent. (“ Next, the narrator moves on talking about his aunt. He says that his aunt travels very much, and she has a game of Go that she brought back from Japan . He also says she has a small deck of cards she likes to take out whenever she is bored. The narrator says that his/her aunt has traveled so much, that by now, the deck of cards have been all over. Following his aunt, he goes on to talk about his/her father. The Speaker says that his father collects antique games that he finds at garage sales. The narrator says that some of the old games look more amusing to look at then to play.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ The narrator says that his family likes wide selections, so they have a variety of games. He/she says that when it's late and everyone is feeling sort of lazy, they relax with a game of chance. They also like to play games of skill and games with skill and luck. The narrator says that he/she teaches some of the family's unique card games to his/her friends. Most of the time, his/her friends haven't even heard of that particular game. They take simple games like Solitaire and add different rules to the games to make it more interesting. …One of the games they like to play is Double Solitaire. He explains how the Double Solitaire game is played. The narrator says that everyone plays at the same time, and you can play your cards on anyone else's cards. The speaker says everyone plays as fast as they can. The speaker explains further on how the game can be played, and says that his/her family plays several rounds, and as they go on, each round gets crazier.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ His uncle is a writer, so he likes to play word games.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this summary of “Crazy About Games.” Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ In the story ‘Crazy About Games,’ a narrator talks about his/her family and their unique gatherings. The narrator says that instead of food, his family gathers and has lots of games. The narrator says his relatives have all the standard games such as Monopoly, Parcheesi, checkers, and chess.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Crazy about Games", by an unknown author, is about a family that is crazy for board games. Everyone in the family is the same, and whenever they have a gathering all they mostly do is play games. Board games, puzzle games, mystery games, action games, adventure games, whenever they can do it its done. What ever family you have you should do whatever they all like. That family likes games and has plenty to pick so they shouldn't ever be bored.

All of the family and relatives has all of the usual games at there house, and mostly everyone has different games. Some has puzzle games, and his aunt brought a game of Go all the way from China . She also has a pack of cards that she's had ever since she was a teenager and boy has that been all over the world. His father is a collector of the old games that he finds at garage sales or other places. They may have more fun looking at them then actually playing them. The family is fervid about having a variety of games. When they have time they sit down and just play a game. Whenever a holiday comes they have to play that invention of Double Solitaire. When they play arms are racing in the middle of the pile. They say it's really exhilarating.

He's been teaching it to a lot of friends, but no one he's thought it to has played it before. Rules and how to play Double Solitary are everyone plays at the same time, and you have to put your cards in front of the opponents in the count down King to one. The main components of the game are speed and knowledge. The object of the game is to get rid of all your cards. There are many rounds of the games to see who wins.

In conclusion, the authors message for what I think is no matter what you and your family is interested in just do it. For any holiday they get together and play there favorite game Double Solitair. After every round it gets louder and crazier. No matter how loud they got grandma, the aunt, was just sitting there humming trying to distract everyone but that's just part of the game.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are evident in this essay. It shows a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task while implying connections through a controlling or central idea.

Specific information from the text and task is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. (“ ‘Crazy about Games’, by an unknown author, is about a family that is crazy for board games. Everyone in the family is the same, and whenever they have a gathering all they mostly do is play games. Board games, puzzle games, mystery games, action games, adventure games, whenever they can do it its done. What ever family you have you should do whatever they all like. That family likes games and has plenty to pick so they shouldn't ever be bored.”)

The writer points out some specific information from the passage and task that connects to the focus of the essay. (“ ‘Crazy about Games’, by an unknown author, is about a family that is crazy for board games. Everyone in the family is the same, and whenever they have a gathering all they mostly do is play games. Board games, puzzle games, mystery games, action games, adventure games, whenever they can do it its done. What ever family you have you should do whatever they all like. That family likes games and has plenty to pick so they shouldn't ever be bored.”)

Content & Development

The essay is comprised of adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately and provides ample, specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text. Most sources used for quotes and facts are credible and cited correctly.

The essay’s point is valid (“ ‘Crazy about Games’, by an unknown author, is about a family that is crazy for board games”), but it needs to be better supported by a direct quotation from the selection. (“ ‘Crazy about Games’, by an unknown author, is about a family that is crazy for board games. Everyone in the family is the same, and whenever they have a gathering all they mostly do is play games. Board games, puzzle games, mystery games, action games, adventure games, whenever they can do it its done. What ever family you have you should do whatever they all like. That family likes games and has plenty to pick so they shouldn't ever be bored.”)

Supporting ideas that include a summary and/or paraphrase of the text “Crazy About Games” help the writer avoid plagiarism. (“ He's been teaching it to a lot of friends, but no one he's thought it to has played it before. Rules and how to play Double Solitary are everyone plays at the same time, and you have to put your cards in front of the opponents in the count down King to one. The main components of the game are speed and knowledge. The object of the game is to get rid of all your cards. There are many rounds of the games to see who wins.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is a central feature of this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure and a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The conclusion allows the readers to reflect on the thesis or controlling point and restates the main points adequately. (“ In conclusion, the authors message for what I think is no matter what you and your family is interested in just do it. For any holiday they get together and play there favorite game Double Solitair. After every round it gets louder and crazier. No matter how loud they got grandma, the aunt, was just sitting there humming trying to distract everyone but that's just part of the game.”)

The conclusion adequately challenges the readers to see a new perspective on the issue, consider an opposition to the thesis or controlling point, or propose a call to action as a result of the research. (“ In conclusion, the authors message for what I think is no matter what you and your family is interested in just do it. For any holiday they get together and play there favorite game Double Solitair. After every round it gets louder and crazier. No matter how loud they got grandma, the aunt, was just sitting there humming trying to distract everyone but that's just part of the game.”)

The supporting paragraph adequately uses transitional devices that lead readers from one source and/or analysis to the other. (“ All of the family and relatives has all of the usual games at there house, and mostly everyone has different games. Some has puzzle games, and his aunt brought a game of Go all the way from China . She also has a pack of cards that she's had ever since she was a teenager and boy has that been all over the world.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style in this essay is adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ He's been teaching it to a lot of friends, but no one he's thought it to has played it before. Rules and how to play Double Solitary are everyone plays at the same time, and you have to put your cards in front of the opponents in the count down King to one. The main components of the game are speed and knowledge. The object of the game is to get rid of all your cards. There are many rounds of the games to see who wins.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “author” and “message” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ In conclusion, the authors message for what I think is no matter what you and your family is interested in just do it.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as “get rid of” in the following excerpt: “ The object of the game is to get rid of all your cards.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There appear to be some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ All of the family and relatives has all of the usual games at there house, and mostly everyone has different games. …They may have more fun looking at them then actually playing them.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the article, "Crazy About Games," the author talks about how any kind of games can bring families and friends together. The author talks about how his/her family comes around the table during family gatherings and plays all kinds og games. They play regualr games like Monopoly, checkers, and Parcheesi, while also playing a game they made up called Duoble Solitaire.

Next, the authors writes about how it's not only fun to play the games, but to collect them too. The author's uncle collects word games because he is a writer, his/her aunt has games from different countries that would be difficult to find anywhere else, and the author's father collects atique games that are often made of wood or ivory. He finds them in old garage sales. "Those old games are more interesting to look at then to play."

Then, the author says how you can also make up games by yourself, such as his/her family did. They came up with a game called Duble Solitaire. In the game, everyone plays simutaneously and at a fast speed. "You can play on anyone else's cards...It's free for all. "The objective is to put out the most cards. The author's family usually plays several rounds and usually the family get very into it and becomes very noisy and excited.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are apparent to readers of this essay. The writer shows a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, but he/she does imply a few connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea.

The writer should improve the focus of the controlling idea, summarizing “Crazy About Games,” by referencing the task information more effectively. (“ In the article, ‘Crazy About Games,’ the author talks about how any kind of games can bring families and friends together. The author talks about how his/her family comes around the table during family gatherings and plays all kinds og games. They play regualr games like Monopoly, checkers, and Parcheesi, while also playing a game they made up called Duoble Solitaire.”)

The writer should align the controlling idea to the prompt task by focusing on the overall message the text is trying to convey. (“ In the article, ‘Crazy About Games,’ the author talks about how any kind of games can bring families and friends together. The author talks about how his/her family comes around the table during family gatherings and plays all kinds og games. They play regualr games like Monopoly, checkers, and Parcheesi, while also playing a game they made up called Duoble Solitaire.”)

Content & Development

This essay provides limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently and provide only a few specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text.

The quotations, “ Those old games are more interesting to look at then to play” and “ You can play on anyone else's cards...It's free for all,” should be connected more clearly.

The quotation, “You can play on anyone else's cards...It's free for all,” does not effectively support the main idea of the third paragraph.

There are not enough details in this essay to provide for an adequate summary. (“ Next, the authors writes about how it's not only fun to play the games, but to collect them too. The author's uncle collects word games because he is a writer, his/her aunt has games from different countries that would be difficult to find anywhere else, and the author's father collects atique games that are often made of wood or ivory. He finds them in old garage sales. ‘Those old games are more interesting to look at then to play.’”)

Organization

Readers can detect limited organization in this essay. It demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction does not grab the readers’ attention. (“ In the article, ‘Crazy About Games,’ the author talks about how any kind of games can bring families and friends together. The author talks about how his/her family comes around the table during family gatherings and plays all kinds og games. They play regualr games like Monopoly, checkers, and Parcheesi, while also playing a game they made up called Duoble Solitaire.”)

Transitions should better connect the supporting sentences to the main idea. (“ Then, the author says how you can also make up games by yourself, such as his/her family did. They came up with a game called Duble Solitaire.”)

The conclusion does not include the controlling idea or thesis statement, the main points of the essay, and a final sentence that leaves the readers with something to think about. In fact, there is no clear concluding paragraph. The essay ends with the second body paragraph and leaves the readers hanging. (“ Then, the author says how you can also make up games by yourself, such as his/her family did. They came up with a game called Duble Solitaire. In the game, everyone plays simutaneously and at a fast speed. ‘You can play on anyone else's cards...It's free for all.’ The objective is to put out the most cards. The author's family usually plays several rounds and usually the family get very into it and becomes very noisy and excited.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style in this essay is quite limited. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ He finds them in old garage sales. …They came up with a game called Duble Solitaire. In the game, everyone plays simutaneously and at a fast speed.”)

There is repetition; the word “games” is used several times in the introduction. (“ In the article, ‘Crazy About Games,’ the author talks about how any kind of games can bring families and friends together. The author talks about how his/her family comes around the table during family gatherings and plays all kinds og games. They play regualr games like Monopoly, checkers, and Parcheesi, while also playing a game they made up called Duoble Solitaire.”)

The essay should include more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ Then, the author says how you can also make up games by yourself, such as his/her family did. They came up with a game called Duble Solitaire. In the game, everyone plays simutaneously and at a fast speed. ‘You can play on anyone else's cards...It's free for all.’ The objective is to put out the most cards. The author's family usually plays several rounds and usually the family get very into it and becomes very noisy and excited.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ The author talks about how his/her family comes around the table during family gatherings and plays all kinds og games. They play regualr games like Monopoly, checkers, and Parcheesi, while also playing a game they made up called Duoble Solitaire.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this story "Crazy About Games" is about a family celebrating in a holiday and playing games. So all the relitives come to play some of them, they brought from home others from different places of the world. Like one of the relitives has a deck of cards that are really small that they had since they were a teenager.

but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire. Its very difficult to explain or to play it cause its a game that can allow as many players as you want. And its the most popular game they play. In the end the familys have a great time and thats what it is about.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed in this brief summary. The essay shows an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and makes unclear or unwarranted connections through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not have a clearly defined thesis statement. (“ In this story ‘Crazy About Games’ is about a family celebrating in a holiday and playing games. So all the relitives come to play some of them, they brought from home others from different places of the world. Like one of the relitives has a deck of cards that are really small that they had since they were a teenager.”)

The main idea needs to be defined more effectively so readers can grasp the purpose of the essay. (“ In this story ‘Crazy About Games’ is about a family celebrating in a holiday and playing games. So all the relitives come to play some of them, they brought from home others from different places of the world. Like one of the relitives has a deck of cards that are really small that they had since they were a teenager.”)

The writer should review the prompt carefully and identify what informational topics or aspects he/she must focus on since the second paragraph (and only body paragraph of the essay) is quite limited in providing relevant information. (“ but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire. Its very difficult to explain or to play it cause its a game that can allow as many players as you want. And its the most popular game they play. In the end the familys have a great time and thats what it is about.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific, accurate, or relevant. Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible (suspect) and/or are not cited correctly.

The point of the essay is only minimally valid or complete. (“ In this story ‘Crazy About Games’ is about a family celebrating in a holiday and playing games. So all the relitives come to play some of them, they brought from home others from different places of the world. Like one of the relitives has a deck of cards that are really small that they had since they were a teenager.”)

Supporting ideas should contain examples, direct quotations, citations, paraphrases, and/or summaries from the informational selection. They are needed here: “ but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire. Its very difficult to explain or to play it cause its a game that can allow as many players as you want. And its the most popular game they play. In the end the familys have a great time and thats what it is about.”

There are minimal supporting sentences for each paragraph. (“ but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire. Its very difficult to explain or to play it cause its a game that can allow as many players as you want. And its the most popular game they play. In the end the familys have a great time and thats what it is about.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is found in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. There is also little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction only minimally grabs the readers’ attention. (“ but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire. Its very difficult to explain or to play it cause its a game that can allow as many players as you want. And its the most popular game they play. In the end the familys have a great time and thats what it is about.”)

Transitions only minimally connect paragraphs. (“ In this story ‘Crazy About Games’ is about a family celebrating in a holiday and playing games. So all the relitives come to play some of them, they brought from home others from different places of the world. Like one of the relitives has a deck of cards that are really small that they had since they were a teenager. …but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire. Its very difficult to explain or to play it cause its a game that can allow as many players as you want. And its the most popular game they play. In the end the familys have a great time and thats what it is about.”)

The second paragraph/conclusion only minimally includes the controlling idea, the main points in the essay, and a final sentence that leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire. Its very difficult to explain or to play it cause its a game that can allow as many players as you want. And its the most popular game they play. In the end the familys have a great time and thats what it is about.”)

Language Use & Style

This brief summary is characterized by minimal language use, voice, and style. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ So all the relitives come to play some of them, they brought from home others from different places of the world.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ And its the most popular game they play.”)

The style is not formal; the writer uses slang terms such as “like” and “cause.” (“ Like one of the relitives has a deck of cards that are really small that they had since they were a teenager. …but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire. Its very difficult to explain or to play it cause its a game that can allow as many players as you want.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ but the most important thing in this story is that this family made up a game called doulble solitaire.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus is inadequate. It shows little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task and makes no connections through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not have a clearly defined thesis statement. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

The main idea needs to be defined more effectively so readers understand the purpose of the essay. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

The writer should review the prompt carefully and identify what informational topics or aspects he/she must focus on. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

Content & Development

This essay features inadequate content and development. The summary shows minimal development of ideas and provides virtually no details from the text.

The point of the essay is not valid or complete. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

Ideas are not supported by a direct quotation from the selection. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

Supporting ideas should contain examples, direct quotations, citations, paraphrases, and/or summaries from the informational selection. They are needed here: “ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate. The writing demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction does not grab the readers’ attention. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

Transitions do not connect the supporting sentences to the main idea. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

The essay does not include a conclusion, so there is no restatement of the controlling idea and main points of the essay. Furthermore, there is no final sentence that leaves readers with something to think about. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows inadequate use of language, voice, and style. The brief summary specifically exhibits inadequate sentence structure and shows unclear or incoherent language. Few sentences have correct structure.

Exact words are missing. (“ This family who plays this caines of games most often.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

The style is not formal and sounds too elementary. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ This story is basectly about how people can have fun with no violence games. It could make the family be towethar and have fun. The people that play them have so much fun specialy when the games are propeit. This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay is defined by its inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ This family who plays this caines of games most often. There is different caines of game that you can play like this family.”)

"Egg-Laying Species"

Carefully read "Egg-Laying Species." Parents go to great lengths to protect their young. Write a multi-paragraph essay contrasting how the various species in the article protect their offspring. Describe why these animals behave in such a manner. Use details from the article to support your answer.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Parents always protect their young. Surprisingly, that statement is not true in all cases. Many egg-laying species such as codfish, simply lay their eggs and leave. Others, like turtles, bury their eggs to keep them warm and safe. Few egg-laying animals actually stay with their eggs. The earwig and octopus are some examples of this small population. Even rarer, is for the fathers to stay with the eggs, which is exactly what the male blenny, a type of fish, does. Other parents stay with the egg or eggs to incubate it, otherwise it wouldn't survive. True, few abandoned eggs survive, and then, of the hatchlings, many are killed in the first week, but the species has always survived this way, and will continue to do so for a long time. These protective behaviors are rare and few.

Some egg-laying animals just leave their eggs alone, but other super parents, like the earwig and octopus, stay with their eggs until they hatch. These parents also defend their eggs against predators. The earwig lays her eggs in a hole then arranges them in a neat pile. She licks them to remove bacteria, and fights off predators that would love to have her eggs for lunch, such as flies and wasps. The female octopus also fights off predators, as well as cleaning the eggs with her many arms. Many other animals such as wolf spider, also defend their eggs against hungry predators.

Other egg-laying species must sit on their eggs for a certain amount of time, or the baby in the egg will die. This process is called incubation, and all birds and some reptiles, including alligators, make up the small population of animals that must go through this process. Normally, the female sits on her nest for a certain amount of time, but, as is the case with birds, mates will come to relieve the female of this boring job and give them a chance to stretch their wings, but only for a few minutes. With some species, such as the alligator, the temperature of the eggs decides the gender of the baby. If, for example, a female alligator sits on her eggs almost constantly and the temperature of the egg is over 34 degrees celsius, then the baby will develop into a male. This makes the process of incubation even more important.

Among the few animals and insects that protect their eggs, the male blennies are one of the only species in which the male does all the work for the eggs. It is true that male birds will often take the place of the female over the eggs for a short time while the female stretches, but they are not full-time parents of the eggs, unlike the male blennies. The blenny does not chase away predators, but hides the eggs once the female lays them and stays near them all the time. The male blenny also fans the eggs with his tail to keep the water full of oxygen.

Many egg-laying species leave their eggs, but others stay with their eggs and protect them. These protective parents clean the eggs, fight off predators, and stay near them. In some cases, they incubate their eggs to keep them alive. These super parents go out of their way to help their young. A round of applause for the egg- laying parents!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay engages the readers in the introduction by very effectively illustrating the different ways that egg-laying species either care for or abandon their eggs. The readers are given a preview of the information contained in the essay. (" Few egg-laying animals actually stay with their eggs. The earwig and octopus are some examples of this small population. Even rarer, is for the fathers to stay with the eggs, which is exactly what the male blenny, a type of fish, does. ")

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The writer presents information on the extent to which five different species care for their eggs. This prepares the stage for the remainder of the essay, in which the writer is to contrast the different ways that eggs are cared for. (" Many egg-laying species such as codfish, simply lay their eggs and leave. Others, like turtles, bury their eggs to keep them warm and safe. Few egg-laying animals actually stay with their eggs. The earwig and octopus are some examples of this small population. Even rarer, is for the fathers to stay with the eggs, which is exactly what the male blenny, a type of fish, does. ")

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. The writer could improve the introduction with a stronger thesis statement. Readers must infer that egg-laying species and the care of their young will be the central idea of the response. (" Other parents stay with the egg or eggs to incubate it, otherwise it wouldn't survive. True, few abandoned eggs survive, and then, of the hatchlings, many are killed in the first week, but the species has always survived this way, and will continue to do so for a long time. These protective behaviors are rare and few. ")

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text. The writer also uses a variety of methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

Relevant points explain and illustrate how the egg-laying species care for their eggs very effectively. The writer incorporates and synthesizes details from the passage very effectively. ("Some egg-laying animals just leave their eggs alone, but other super parents, like the earwig and octopus, stay with their eggs until they hatch. These parents also defend their eggs against predators. The earwig lays her eggs in a hole then arranges them in a neat pile. She licks them to remove bacteria, and fights off predators that would love to have her eggs for lunch, such as flies and wasps. The female octopus also fights off predators, as well as cleaning the eggs with her many arms. Many other animals such as wolf spider, also defend their eggs against hungry predators.")

Details and direct quotes from the text explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. The writer smoothly combines information about the different ways of protecting the eggs. (" Other egg-laying species must sit on their eggs for a certain amount of time, or the baby in the egg will die. This process is called incubation, and all birds and some reptiles, including alligators, make up the small population of animals that must go through this process. ")

Specific information about the egg-laying species is developed very effectively. The writer effectively paraphrases details from the passage. (" Some egg-laying animals just leave their eggs alone, but other super parents, like the earwig and octopus, stay with their eggs until they hatch. These parents also defend their eggs against predators. The earwig lays her eggs in a hole then arranges them in a neat pile. She licks them to remove bacteria, and fights off predators that would love to have her eggs for lunch, such as flies and wasps. ")

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating details about the different ways that egg-laying species care for their eggs. There is sufficient background information to prepare the readers for the rest of the essay. (" Many egg-laying species such as codfish, simply lay their eggs and leave. Others, like turtles, bury their eggs to keep them warm and safe. Few egg-laying animals actually stay with their eggs. The earwig and octopus are some examples of this small population. Even rarer, is for the fathers to stay with the eggs, which is exactly what the male blenny, a type of fish, does. ")

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. The writer uses strong topic sentences that also transition from one type of egg care to another. (" Some egg-laying animals just leave their eggs alone, but other super parents, like the earwig and octopus, stay with their eggs until they hatch. ")

The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. The writer encapsulates the different types of egg care as a summary of the essay. (" Many egg-laying species leave their eggs, but others stay with their eggs and protect them. These protective parents clean the eggs, fight off predators, and stay near them. In some cases, they incubate their eggs to keep them alive. ")

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate how the egg-laying species care for their eggs. The writer supplements language from the passage with modifiers that enhance the details. (" Normally, the female sits on her nest for a certain amount of time, but, as is the case with birds, mates will come to relieve the female of this boring job and give them a chance to stretch their wings, but only for a few minutes. ")

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. The writer uses an introductory topic sentence to begin the paragraphs and then presents details of species that support the paragraph's topic. (" Other egg-laying species must sit on their eggs for a certain amount of time, or the baby in the egg will die. This process is called incubation, and all birds and some reptiles, including alligators, make up the small population of animals that must go through this process.")

The writer demonstrates a strong voice throughout the response. The writer occasionally uses language that adds voice and character to the essay. (" Some egg-laying animals just leave their eggs alone, but other super parents, like the earwig and octopus, stay with their eggs until they hatch. " " She licks them to remove bacteria, and fights off predators that would love to have her eggs for lunch, such as flies and wasps." )

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Parents go to a great extent to keep their children safe from harm. Animals as well, behave in such a manner. In "Egg-Laying Species" written by My Access, states how different species protect their young. There are many kinds of species that lay eggs, but there is a difference on how much care is provided by the parents.

To begin with, different species have different protective behaviors. For example, this maternal insect, the earwig, lays their eggs in a hole and scoops it into a neat pile. In order to keep off bacteria, the earwig licks the eggs. They also scare away wasps and flies when near. Unlike the earwig, octopuses attach the eggs to rocks. They clean the eggs with their tentacles and blow jets of water over them. Wolf spiders have different protective behaviors also. The eggs are wrapped in a cacoon to keep mold from growing on it. As the mom chases away predators, she holds the cacoon close to her body.

In addition, with some species, it's not always the female that provides protection. For instance, to protect the eggs, the blenny father stays with the eggs that are glued to rocks or shells. The father keeps the eggs healthy by fanning them with his tail. Fanning them provides oxygen to the eggs. Protection is not the only area that differs among species.

Furthermore, the incubation period varies with many species. Bird eggs must be kept warm to survive. The female usually sits on the eggs while the male brings food and chases away predators. The bees' body temperature keeps eggs warm in the hive. Bees are not the only creature whose eggs must be incubated. Alligator eggs must be incubated as well. The eggs can be a male or female depending on how warm the eggs are. For example, if the egg is above 34 degrees centigrade, it will be a male. If the temperature is lower it will be a female.

All in all, different species that lay eggs provide care in a variety of ways. Many species provide protection by either the male or female. Incubation is different but necessary among animals. Protection and incubation help eggs to hatch. As a result of learning about Egg-Laying Species, I now understand that I have to be greatful for what I have because many species lay thier eggs and then abandon them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay and demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between the text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.

The essay captures the readers’ attention by comparing human parents to animal parents in the introduction. (" Parents go to a great extent to keep their children safe from harm. Animals as well, behave in such a manner. In 'Egg-Laying Species' written by My Access, states how different species protect their young. ")

Specific information from the text is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. The writer describes the behavior of several species to illustrate the "difference on how much care is provided by the parents." (" For example, this maternal insect, the earwig, lays their eggs in a hole and scoops it into a neat pile. In order to keep off bacteria, the earwig licks the eggs. They also scare away wasps and flies when near. " " For instance, to protect the eggs, the blenny father stays with the eggs that are glued to rocks or shells." )

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The writer makes clear in the thesis statement that the essay will provide the readers with differences in parental care of eggs. The examples in the body of the essay illustrate these differences. (" There are many kinds of species that lay eggs, but there is a difference on how much care is provided by the parents. ")

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the task and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses more than one method to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of the differences in how egg-laying species protect their eggs.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. The writer presents information on species that protect their eggs closely (earwig, wolf spider, octopus), that have both parents protecting eggs (birds), and that have the male protecting the eggs (blenny). ("For instance, to protect the eggs, the blenny father stays with the eggs that are glued to rocks or shells. The father keeps the eggs healthy by fanning them with his tail. Fanning them provides oxygen to the eggs.")

The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. The writer did an effective job of selecting information from the passage to discuss the varied ways that egg-laying species protect their eggs. ("Wolf spiders have different protective behaviors also. The eggs are wrapped in a cacoon to keep mold from growing on it. As the mom chases away predators, she holds the cacoon close to her body.")

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. Paragraphs are organized around a specific egg-protecting behavior. The details in each paragraph support the paragraph's main idea. (" In addition, with some species, it's not always the female that provides protection. For instance, to protect the eggs, the blenny father stays with the eggs that are glued to rocks or shells. The father keeps the eggs healthy by fanning them with his tail. Fanning them provides oxygen to the eggs. Protection is not the only area that differs among species. ")

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. The writer compares the egg-laying species protective behaviors to human parents to hook readers. Although there could be additional background information, the thesis statement is clear and concise. (" Parents go to a great extent to keep their children safe from harm. Animals as well, behave in such a manner. In 'Egg-Laying Species' written by My Access, states how different species protect their young. There are many kinds of species that lay eggs, but there is a difference on how much care is provided by the parents. ")

Transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used well. The writer uses effective transitions at the beginning of every paragraph. ("To begin with, . . . ." "Furthermore, . . . ." "In addition, . . . .")

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. The writer summarizes the main ideas of the essay very succinctly. (" All in all, different species that lay eggs provide care in a variety of ways. Many species provide protection by either the male or female. Incubation is different but necessary among animals. Protection and incubation help eggs to hatch. As a result of learning about Egg-Laying Species, I now understand that I have to be greatful for what I have because many species lay thier eggs and then abandon them. ")

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. The writer effectively paraphrases much of the language from the passage. (" Bees are not the only creature whose eggs must be incubated. Alligator eggs must be incubated as well. The eggs can be a male or female depending on how warm the eggs are. For example, if the egg is above 34 degrees centigrade, it will be a male. If the temperature is lower it will be a female.")

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. The straightforward presentation of information enables readers to follow the main idea and enjoy details about egg-laying species. (" For instance, to protect the eggs, the blenny father stays with the eggs that are glued to rocks or shells. The father keeps the eggs healthy by fanning them with his tail. Fanning them provides oxygen to the eggs.")

The writer employs good word choice to describe the protective behaviors of egg-laying species, connecting ideas from the passage with effective paraphrasing and organization. (" Unlike the earwig, octopuses attach the eggs to rocks. They clean the eggs with their tentacles and blow jets of water over them. Wolf spiders have different protective behaviors also. The eggs are wrapped in a cacoon to keep mold from growing on it. As the mom chases away predators, she holds the cacoon close to her body. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and all new paragraphs are indicated using line breaks. (" Unlike the earwig, octopuses attach the eggs to rocks. They clean the eggs with their tentacles and blow jets of water over them. Wolf spiders have different protective behaviors also. The eggs are wrapped in a cacoon to keep mold from growing on it. As the mom chases away predators, she holds the cacoon close to her body. ")

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many different creatures lay eggs, and the care each animal provides for its egg varies as well. While some animals stay with their eggs until they hatch, others abandon them instantly. For example, a Codfish just lays its eggs and leaves without caring for them. However, birds stay and sit with their eggs until they hatch. More animals do a little of both, they are not with their eggs full time, but they don't just abandon their eggs. A sea turtle lays her eggs on the beach, and buries them safely in the sand before leaving. Some fish, like blennies attach their eggs to rocks, and stay a while to clean them and keep them healthy. There are so many different animals that lay eggs. Birds, fish, insects, even bees! They all take care of their eggs in different ways.

While some animals just abandon their eggs, many are extremely protective. Take the earwig, for example. It's constantly with its eggs. The earwig chases off predators and keeps them clean until they hatch. Also, an octopus is very protective of its eggs. The octopus attaches its eggs to rocks, and keeps predators away from them. It also cleans the eggs with its arms and blows water on them.

Then there are animals that incubate their eggs. Bird eggs must constantly be kept warm. Usually the female bird sits on her nest, and keeps the egg warm while the male hunts. Bees don't sit on their eggs, but the body heat from all the bees in the hive keeps the eggs warm.

In conclusion, many animals lay eggs. Not all animals are protective of their eggs, but most at least help them along. Some eggs can just be left in the sand to hatch. But bird eggs need to constantly be incubated (kept warm) so they can stay alive. For some eggs, the way they are cared for is extremely important. For example, alligator eggs need to be kept warm. If they are kept at above 34 degrees Fahrenheit, they eggs are male. If it's below 34 degrees Fahrenheit, the eggs end up female. Although egg care varies from creature to creature. They still grow up into animals, and still play big part in the ecosystem.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. The readers know from the introduction and thesis statement that the essay will discuss the different ways that egg-laying animals take care of their eggs. (" There are so many different animals that lay eggs. Birds, fish, insects, even bees! They all take care of their eggs in different ways. ")

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the behavior of egg-laying species as they protect and care for their eggs. The presentation of information is direct and concise. (" The earwig chases off predators and keeps them clean until they hatch. Also, an octopus is very protective of its eggs. The octopus attaches its eggs to rocks, and keeps predators away from them. It also cleans the eggs with its arms and blows water on them. ")

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer's language is most often appropriately formal, even when the writer expresses his/her voice. (" There are so many different animals that lay eggs. Birds, fish, insects, even bees! They all take care of their eggs in different ways. ")

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses a predictable pattern of methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and/or direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. The writing task requires the writer to discuss the behaviors of egg-laying species, which is addressed with adequate details in the essay. (" Take the earwig, for example. It's constantly with its eggs. The earwig chases off predators and keeps them clean until they hatch. Also, an octopus is very protective of its eggs. The octopus attaches its eggs to rocks, and keeps predators away from them. It also cleans the eggs with its arms and blows water on them. ")

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (" Bird eggs must constantly be kept warm. Usually the female bird sits on her nest, and keeps the egg warm while the male hunts. Bees don't sit on their eggs, but the body heat from all the bees in the hive keeps the eggs warm. ") Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of how birds share the responsibility of caring for their eggs. There are additional details in the passage that the writer could incorporate into the body paragraph.

The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the text. Most of the details on the egg-laying species from the passage are included in the essay. There are occasional details that are omitted and whose inclusion would enrich the response. Including the fact that earwigs clean their eggs of bacteria would add substance to the brief discussion of earwig behavior. (" Take the earwig, for example. It's constantly with its eggs. The earwig chases off predators and keeps them clean until they hatch. ")

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by providing details on the behaviors of some egg-laying species. A range of behaviors is provided, with just enough detail to make the readers want to continue reading. (" Many different creatures lay eggs, and the care each animal provides for its egg varies as well. While some animals stay with their eggs until they hatch, others abandon them instantly. For example, a Codfish just lays its eggs and leaves without caring for them. However, birds stay and sit with their eggs until they hatch. More animals do a little of both, they are not with their eggs full time, but they don't just abandon their eggs. A sea turtle lays her eggs on the beach, and buries them safely in the sand before leaving. Some fish, like blennies attach their eggs to rocks, and stay a while to clean them and keep them healthy. ")

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. Transitions within paragraphs are effective; however, t he writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way. For example, the transition to the body paragraph is smooth. (" While some animals just abandon their eggs, many are extremely protective. Take the earwig, for example. ") Within that paragraph, however, there is no transition between the octopus behavior and incubation behaviors. (" It also cleans the eggs with its arms and blows water on them. Bird eggs must constantly be kept warm.")

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. The conclusion would be improved if there were more details in the summary separated into a final paragraph. (" Although egg care varies from creature to creature. They still grow up into animals, and still play big part in the ecosystem. ")

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer effectively combines ideas into compound sentences. (" Also, an octopus is very protective of its eggs. The octopus attaches its eggs to rocks, and keeps predators away from them. It also cleans the eggs with its arms and blows water on them. ")

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the protective behaviors of egg-laying species. While using language from the passage, the writer's transitions and comments add voice to the essay. (" There are so many different animals that lay eggs. Birds, fish, insects, even bees! They all take care of their eggs in different ways. ")

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. The writer adequately paraphrases language from the passage, maintaining an appropriate tone. (" Bird eggs must constantly be kept warm. Usually the female bird sits on her nest, and keeps the egg warm while the male hunts. Bees don't sit on their eggs, but the body heat from all the bees in the hive keeps the eggs warm. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. Commas are overused and incorrectly used throughout the essay. (" A sea turtle lays her eggs on the beach, and buries them safely in the sand before leaving. Some fish, like blennies attach their eggs to rocks, and stay a while to clean them and keep them healthy. ")

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Egg-laying Species"

In this article, "Egg-laying Species," some species the parents take good care of the egg such as an octopus. Some will have eggs and then abandon them such as the codfish. The earwig, wolf spider, blennies, birds, bees, and also alligators care for the eggs.

Unlike a codfish an octopus protects its eggs. She fights predators that try to eat the egg. She leaves the egg attached to the rock. She cleans the eggs with her tentacles. She blows jets of water over them in order to keep the eggs clean.

A Wolf Spider lays her cocoon and keeps them right next to her body. She moves around in order to keep her eggs saved and the predators away. The cocoon keeps it mold from coming in.

An Alligators is a very weird creature. This is strange, if the egg's temperature is 34 degrees or above centigrade then it will be a male, and if its 34 degrees and below centigrade it will turn in to a feminine I think that this is unbelievable.

This article was about "Egg-laying Species," and how they take care for their eggs.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. The writer should improve the focus of the controlling idea/thesis statement by referencing the text information more effectively. The "thesis statement" in the introductory paragraph does not establish a controlling idea for the essay. It is a statement of a fact, and the readers do not know how this fact relates to the remainder of the essay. ("The earwig, wolf spider, blennies, birds, bees, and also alligators care for the eggs. ")

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer only focuses on some of the egg-laying species' behaviors in the passage, and the description is limited at best. Three species are discussed, but there are no connections between the information in the body paragraphs that ties the information together. ("Unlike a codfish an octopus protects its eggs. " " A Wolf Spider lays her cocoon and keeps them right next to her body." "An Alligators is a very weird creature." )

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the text to illustrate the range of behaviors toward eggs. The inclusion of additional details would establish a more complete controlling idea that would guide the readers through the full range of species' behaviors.

Content & Development

The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Some sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. There are additional egg-laying species presented in the passage, whose behaviors illustrate the range of protection afforded eggs. For example, there is no mention of the blenny or birds, despite their being mentioned in the introductory paragraph. (" Some will have eggs and then abandon them such as the codfish. The earwig, wolf spider, blennies, birds, bees, and also alligators care for the eggs. ")

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. Since the thesis is incomplete, the supporting details in the body paragraphs may appear adequate but do not fully support the prompt task. (" Write a multi-paragraph essay contrasting how the various species in the article protect their offspring. Describe why these animals behave in such a manner. ")

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should connect ideas clearly to support the writer’s ideas. Individual species are discussed in each of the body paragraphs without comparing or contrasting that species' behavior with other behaviors presented in the passage. Although the details of the behaviors are interesting, the readers are not given the opportunity to develop an appreciation for the range of egg-laying species' behaviors. (" A Wolf Spider lays her cocoon and keeps them right next to her body. She moves around in order to keep her eggs saved and the predators away. The cocoon keeps it mold from coming in. ")

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer introduces us to the passage and the species discussed in the passage, but there is very little background information and a minimal thesis statement. (" In this article, 'Egg-laying Species,' some species the parents take good care of the egg such as an octopus. Some will have eggs and then abandon them such as the codfish. The earwig, wolf spider, blennies, birds, bees, and also alligators care for the eggs. ")

Strong transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. The writer goes from octopus to wolf spider to alligator, with no transitions from paragraph to paragraph. The readers have facts but no framework linking the facts. (" Unlike a codfish an octopus protects its eggs. She fights predators that try to eat the egg. She leaves the egg attached to the rock. She cleans the eggs with her tentacles. She blows jets of water over them in order to keep the eggs clean.

A Wolf Spider lays her cocoon and keeps them right next to her body. She moves around in order to keep her eggs saved and the predators away. The cocoon keeps it mold from coming in. ")

The writer does not provide a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. The writer concludes the essay with one sentence, which neither summarizes nor gives the readers something to consider or act upon. (" This article was about 'Egg-laying Species,' and how they take care for their eggs. ")

Language Use & Style

Some sentence lengths are short. (" She fights predators that try to eat the egg. She leaves the egg attached to the rock. She cleans the eggs with her tentacles. ") The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. The writer could also combine ideas in compound or compound-complex sentences.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (" This is strange, if the egg's temperature is 34 degrees or above centigrade then it will be a male, and if its 34 degrees and below centigrade it will turn in to a feminine I think that this is unbelievable. ")

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. The writer seems to use as few words as possible, omitting details in the process. For example, the wolf spider lays her eggs in the cocoon, which she then keeps next to her body. (" A Wolf Spider lays her cocoon and keeps them right next to her body. She moves around in order to keep her eggs saved and the predators away. The cocoon keeps it mold from coming in. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Parents protect their offspring in such a manner because they don't wont anything to harm their babies. It is just like a mother and a son or mother and a daughter. They are very overprotective to their young. The behave in such a manner because they are your bodyguards and parents. An earwig scares away prey by scaring them and frightened them. They put their babies in a hole and make it neat just like a mother. And start to lick them to remove bacteria and other parasites. An octopus attach the young to a rock then fight the predator off while proctecting. Then she clean the offspring with her many arms. The wolf spider lays their eggs in a safe cocoon, and holds the cocoon close to her body as she moves. the cocoon keeps mold from growing and appearing. The dads are the second guard because although he is not the female he still does provide for the offspring and help raise it. The father stays with the young and guards it. The father also keeps the babies warm at a specific temperature so it won't freeze to death. This is why animals act in such a manner to protect their young.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (" Parents protect their offspring in such a manner because they don't wont anything to harm their babies. It is just like a mother and a son or mother and a daughter. They are very overprotective to their young. The behave in such a manner because they are your bodyguards and parents.") The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific details of the protective behaviors of egg-laying species. In fact, the writer does not mention anywhere in the response that the animals being discussed are egg-layers. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of how eggs are protected and cared for by different egg-laying species.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the range of behaviors being described. More details from the text are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. The writer does not identify the species of the protective father and excludes details about other species discussed in the passage. ("The dads are the second guard because although he is not the female he still does provide for the offspring and help raise it. The father stays with the young and guards it. The father also keeps the babies warm at a specific temperature so it won't freeze to death.")

The writer’s details are minimally developed. The writer neglects to tell the readers about the species of the protective father animal. Details of the blenny parent's behavior, like circulating water around the eggs, are omitted, while details like keeping the young from freezing to death, which are not in the passage, are included. ("The dads are the second guard because although he is not the female he still does provide for the offspring and help raise it. The father stays with the young and guards it. The father also keeps the babies warm at a specific temperature so it won't freeze to death.")

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally, providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific and relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes) . Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or are not cited correctly.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. Details about the behaviors of birds, bees, alligators, cod, and turtles are lacking entirely. There are details not found in the passage that are included in the essay. ("The father also keeps the babies warm at a specific temperature so it won't freeze to death.")

The point of the essay is only minimally valid or complete. The writer does not inform the readers that the information in the essay is about egg-laying species, does not compare and contrast the behaviors, and does not include much of the information in the passage about the behaviors of other species. (" An earwig scares away prey by scaring them and frightened them. They put their babies in a hole and make it neat just like a mother. And start to lick them to remove bacteria and other parasites. An octopus attach the young to a rock then fight the predator off while proctecting. Then she clean the offspring with her many arms. The wolf spider lays their eggs in a safe cocoon, and holds the cocoon close to her body as she moves. the cocoon keeps mold from growing and appearing.")

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give the readers a clear picture of the specific behaviors of egg-laying species. The writer overlooks the opportunity to paint a clearer picture of the way that blenny fathers protect and teach their young so that they can survive on their own. ("The dads are the second guard because although he is not the female he still does provide for the offspring and help raise it. The father stays with the young and guards it.")

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The writer introduces the essay with repeated statements about parents guarding and protecting their young. There is no mention of egg-laying species or background information to interest and hook the readers. (" Parents protect their offspring in such a manner because they don't wont anything to harm their babies. It is just like a mother and a son or mother and a daughter. They are very overprotective to their young. The behave in such a manner because they are your bodyguards and parents. ")

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. The writer moves from one species to the next with no transition to prepare the readers for the behaviors to be compared or contrasted. (" An earwig scares away prey by scaring them and frightened them. They put their babies in a hole and make it neat just like a mother. And start to lick them to remove bacteria and other parasites. An octopus attach the young to a rock then fight the predator off while proctecting. Then she clean the offspring with her many arms. ")

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The writer makes no attempt to summarize information in the essay but ends very abruptly. (" This is why animals act in such a manner to protect their young. ")

Language Use & Style

The minimal structure of many sentences impedes effective communication of ideas. (" The dads are the second guard because although he is not the female he still does provide for the offspring and help raise it. The father stays with the young and guards it.")

There is repetition in the essay. The first four sentences are repetitive and generally uninformative. (" Parents protect their offspring in such a manner because they don't wont anything to harm their babies. It is just like a mother and a son or mother and a daughter. They are very overprotective to their young. The behave in such a manner because they are your bodyguards and parents.")

The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. Additional and more descriptive language would improve the writer's message. (" An earwig scares away prey by scaring them and frightened them. They put their babies in a hole and make it neat just like a mother. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. ("An earwig scares away prey by scaring them and frightened them. They put their babies in a hole and make it neat just like a mother. And start to lick them to remove bacteria and other parasites.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Some species do whatever they can to protect eggs. Some would even kill to protect the eggs. Most of the female species do all the work and take care of the babies while the dad get food. However there are some animals who just lay their eggs and leave them but its very few. Unlike spiders, they lay their eggs in a cocoon and put the eggs inside.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a central/controlling idea, but the writer does not develop the idea adequately through examples and descriptive details from the text. The writer mentions only one animal species in this short essay, providing the readers with almost no information from the passage. ("Some species do whatever they can to protect eggs. ")

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from the text to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not identify species or provide details comparing and contrasting the behaviors of egg-laying species. ("Most of the female species do all the work and take care of the babies while the dad get food. However there are some animals who just lay their eggs and leave them but its very few. Unlike spiders, they lay their eggs in a cocoon and put the eggs inside. ")

The essay’s lack of specific details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (" Most of the female species do all the work and take care of the babies while the dad get food. However there are some animals who just lay their eggs and leave them but its very few. Unlike spiders, they lay their eggs in a cocoon and put the eggs inside. ")

Content & Development

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The three different behaviors mentioned are not identified by species, and the majority of information in the passage is excluded from the essay. (" Most of the female species do all the work and take care of the babies while the dad get food. However there are some animals who just lay their eggs and leave them but its very few. Unlike spiders, they lay their eggs in a cocoon and put the eggs inside. ")

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. The readers are provided with insufficient information and do not understand that the essay should discuss the different protective behaviors of egg-laying species. (" Most of the female species do all the work and take care of the babies while the dad get food. However there are some animals who just lay their eggs and leave them but its very few. U nlike spiders, they lay their eggs in a cocoon and put the eggs inside. ")

Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. Information on the behaviors of the cod and turtle as compared to the behaviors of the octopus and wolf spider would have presented a range of protectiveness. Additional details on those species included in the essay are necessary for the readers to understand the role of the parent in protecting the eggs/young. (" Most of the female species do all the work and take care of the babies while the dad get food. However there are some animals who just lay their eggs and leave them but its very few. ")

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. There is one sentence that might be considered the introduction. This sentence does little to intrigue the readers about or prepare the readers for the message of the essay. (" Some species do whatever they can to protect eggs. ")

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (" Some would even kill to protect the eggs. Most of the female species do all the work and take care of the babies while the dad get food ")

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. There is no attempt to summarize the few details contained in the essay. The writer ends with details that would be considered part of the body of the essay. (" Unlike spiders, they lay their eggs in a cocoon and put the eggs inside. ")

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short and simple with inadequate details. (" Some would even kill to protect the eggs. Most of the female species do all the work and take care of the babies while the dad get food. ")

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. The lack of detail causes the readers to miss information in the passage. (" However there are some animals who just lay their eggs and leave them but its very few. ")

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. Sentences are short and lack modifiers that would enrich the writing. (" Some species do whatever they can to protect eggs. Some would even kill to protect the eggs. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Ellis Island

Carefully read "American Wings" and "Welcome to Ellis Island." What challenges did immigrants face coming to America? Write a multi-paragraph essay explaining why you think people endured these challenges to become Americans. Use details from both texts to support your answer.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

From 1892 to 1924, millions of European immigrants set out to leave their economically and religiously fraught countries in search of opportunities that were unheard of in the majority of the European countries from which they came. This enormous journey consisted of a trip thousands of miles, or approximately weeks to months long, across the Atlantic Ocean, where they would have to survive to make it to one of the many east coast cities, such as New York or Boston. When the countless amounts of immigrants came to America, they all arrived with one common wish in mind: to fulfill the American dream. Whether it was for business opportunities or simply to construct a better life for their children, they all hoped for an improved future. The immigration from Europe to America was no walk in the park for the many hopefuls though. The sacrifices and challenges endured by the European immigrants were great, but they hoped that these trials would be worth it in the end.

The challenges that stood in the faces of the people wishing to become Americans were endless. Some of the most pivotal included the emotional effects of leaving their home lands, the journey across the Atlantic, and the processes at Ellis Island. When departing from a place they have lived in for so long, it can easily be imagined the emotional toll it takes on each and every immigrant. It was only possible for each person to take what they could carry in suitcases, which meant they had to leave anything deemed unnecessary behind them. Although, many of the ones who wished to leave Europe were poor, and could barely afford to buy a ticket to travel to America. The most dangerous part of the trip would come next when they had to endure the journey across the waters of the Atlantic. In "American Wings", Boris and his family traveled all the way from Minsk, Russia. Storms would batter the packed ships with rain and rough seas, making the trip even more difficult. Conditions on the ships were already at low standards and the storms would make them poorer. In fact, thirty percent of people making the trip on the ships passed away. Many people today cannot begin to imagine going through all of this, but the next step of the European immigrants' trip would turn out to be the most emotional of them all. On arriving to America, the immigrants had to be put through various tests to see if they fit into the criteria of becoming an American citizen. In "Welcome to Ellis Island", it was said, that in one day, 10,000 people passed through the Registry Room. Diseases and criminal records could be the telling factor on whether you stayed or were deported back to your homeland. Apparently, these risks were overshadowed by the need to pursue the American dream.

People today may still wonder why these people would sacrifice basically everything to come to America. One reason is all the conflicts occurring in Europe in that time period (1892-1924). Sicknesses were spreading throughout cramped, filthy towns, killing many, but this wasn't even the main problem that pushed them to leave. Mainly, economic and religious turmoil caused the Europeans to desire to immigrate to America. In Europe, the poor were becoming poorer and jobs were becoming less unavailable. Religions were clashing, as in the Jewish and the Russian Orthodox Church conflict in Eastern Europe depicted in "Fiddler on the Roof".

Other things that enforced the immigrants' ideas of moving to America were the pull factors. Having lived in the economic stricken Europe, the job opportunities in America seemed extremely appealing, especially considering everyone, even the poorest of the poor, could find a stable job in the United States. For those looking for religious freedom, America was the place to be. For instance, Tevye and his wife moved to Chicago in order to escape the Russians who invaded their village in "Fiddler on the Roof". No matter what the reason to come to America, every immigrant wanted a better life for themselves and their children. When Boris's family immigrated to America ("American Wings"), it was obvious that this move indeed changed his life forever. Boris’s descendants will also reap the benefits from the brave journey Boris and his family made in the early days; they will be able to live and thrive in a country that provides opportunities and freedom like no other country in the world.

It can be understood by anyone, that each and every immigrant that decided to become an American citizen did so in order to lay claim to a better future for themselves and the next generations to come. Although the challenges they faced were both mentally and physically straining, these people were willing to sacrifice everything in order to hopefully change their lives forever. In "Welcome to Ellis Island", it is clearly illustrated, that to the families who immigrated to America and the generations down from them, Ellis Island holds a special, even symbolic meaning to them. They traveled without knowing what would really happen to them in America, but the "American Dream" stood to many as their last chance at a better life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer makes insightful connections between the text s and the task through a controlling or central idea or thesis statement . The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves readers with a clear picture of the immigration process of the late 1800s and early 1900s.

The essay engages readers in the introduction by very effectively illustrating the plights of people fleeing their countries to immigrate to America. (“ From 1892 to 1924, millions of European immigrants set out to leave their economically and religiously fraught countries in search of opportunities that were unheard of in the majority of the European countries from which they came. This enormous journey consisted of a trip thousands of miles, or approximately weeks to months long, across the Atlantic Ocean, where they would have to survive to make it to one of the many east coast cities, such as New York or Boston. When the countless amounts of immigrants came to America, they all arrived with one common wish in mind: to fulfill the American dream. Whether it was for business opportunities or simply to construct a better life for their children, they all hoped for an improved future. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ People today may still wonder why these people would sacrifice basically everything to come to America. One reason is all the conflicts occurring in Europe in that time period (1892-1924). Sicknesses were spreading throughout cramped, filthy towns, killing many, but this wasn't even the main problem that pushed them to leave. Mainly, economic and religious turmoil caused the Europeans to desire to immigrate to America. In Europe, the poor were becoming poorer and jobs were becoming less unavailable. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ No matter what the reason to come to America, every immigrant wanted a better life for themselves and their children. When Boris's family immigrated to America (‘American Wings’), it was obvious that this move indeed changed his life forever. Boris’s descendants will also reap the benefits from the brave journey Boris and his family made in the early days; they will be able to live and thrive in a country that provides opportunities and freedom like no other country in the world. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of methods to reference and cite text s that provide specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the thesis statement

Relevant points explain and illustrate the challenges of the immigrants very effectively. (“ When departing from a place they have lived in for so long, it can easily be imagined the emotional toll it takes on each and every immigrant. It was only possible for each person to take what they could carry in suitcases, which meant they had to leave anything deemed unnecessary behind them. Although, many of the ones who wished to leave Europe were poor, and could barely afford to buy a ticket to travel to America. The most dangerous part of the trip would come next when they had to endure the journey across the waters of the Atlantic. ”)

Details and direct quotes from the selections explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“For those looking for religious freedom, America was the place to be. For instance, Tevye and his wife moved to Chicago in order to escape the Russians who invaded their village in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’. No matter what the reason to come to America, every immigrant wanted a better life for themselves and their children. When Boris's family immigrated to America (‘American Wings’), it was obvious that this move indeed changed his life forever. Boris’s descendants will also reap the benefits from the brave journey Boris and his family made in the early days; they will be able to live and thrive in a country that provides opportunities and freedom like no other country in the world.”)

Specific information about the immigrants’ journey to America is developed very effectively. (“Storms would batter the packed ships with rain and rough seas, making the trip even more difficult. Conditions on the ships were already at low standards and the storms would make them poorer. In fact, thirty percent of people making the trip on the ships passed away. Many people today cannot begin to imagine going through all of this, but the next step of the European immigrants' trip would turn out to be the most emotional of them all. On arriving to America, the immigrants had to be put through various tests to see if they fit into the criteria of becoming an American citizen. In ‘Welcome to Ellis Island’, it was said, that in one day, 10,000 people passed through the Registry Room. Diseases and criminal records could be the telling factor on whether you stayed or were deported back to your homeland. Apparently, these risks were overshadowed by the need to pursue the American dream.”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating statistics and rationale for the immigrants’ journey to America. (“From 1892 to 1924, millions of European immigrants set out to leave their economically and religiously fraught countries in search of opportunities that were unheard of in the majority of the European countries from which they came. This enormous journey consisted of a trip thousands of miles, or approximately weeks to months long, across the Atlantic Ocean, where they would have to survive to make it to one of the many east coast cities, such as New York or Boston. When the countless amounts of immigrants came to America, they all arrived with one common wish in mind: to fulfill the American dream. Whether it was for business opportunities or simply to construct a better life for their children, they all hoped for an improved future. The immigration from Europe to America was no walk in the park for the many hopefuls though. The sacrifices and challenges endured by the European immigrants were great, but they hoped that these trials would be worth it in the end.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ Other things that enforced the immigrants' ideas of moving to America were the pull factors. Having lived in the economic stricken Europe, the job opportunities in America seemed extremely appealing, especially considering everyone, even the poorest of the poor, could find a stable job in the United States. For those looking for religious freedom, America was the place to be. For instance, Tevye and his wife moved to Chicago in order to escape the Russians who invaded their village in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’. No matter what the reason to come to America, every immigrant wanted a better life for themselves and their children. ”)

The writer includes an ending that provides readers with a sense of closure. (“It can be understood by anyone, that each and every immigrant that decided to become an American citizen did so in order to lay claim to a better future for themselves and the next generations to come. Although the challenges they faced were both mentally and physically straining, these people were willing to sacrifice everything in order to hopefully change their lives forever. In ‘Welcome to Ellis Island’, it is clearly illustrated, that to the families who immigrated to America and the generations down from them, Ellis Island holds a special, even symbolic meaning to them. They traveled without knowing what would really happen to them in America, but the ‘American Dream’ stood to many as their last chance at a better life.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the conditions immigrants endured to reach new opportunities in America. (“ People today may still wonder why these people would sacrifice basically everything to come to America. One reason is all the conflicts occurring in Europe in that time period (1892-1924). Sicknesses were spreading throughout cramped, filthy towns, killing many, but this wasn't even the main problem that pushed them to leave. Mainly, economic and religious turmoil caused the Europeans to desire to immigrate to America. In Europe, the poor were becoming poorer and jobs were becoming less unavailable. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ The most dangerous part of the trip would come next when they had to endure the journey across the waters of the Atlantic. In ‘American Wings’, Boris and his family traveled all the way from Minsk, Russia. Storms would batter the packed ships with rain and rough seas, making the trip even more difficult. Conditions on the ships were already at low standards and the storms would make them poorer. In fact, thirty percent of people making the trip on the ships passed away. Many people today cannot begin to imagine going through all of this, but the next step of the European immigrants' trip would turn out to be the most emotional of them all. On arriving to America, the immigrants had to be put through various tests to see if they fit into the criteria of becoming an American citizen. ”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ It can be understood by anyone, that each and every immigrant that decided to become an American citizen did so in order to lay claim to a better future for themselves and the next generations to come. Although the challenges they faced were both mentally and physically straining, these people were willing to sacrifice everything in order to hopefully change their lives forever. In ‘Welcome to Ellis Island’, it is clearly illustrated, that to the families who immigrated to America and the generations down from them, Ellis Island holds a special, even symbolic meaning to them. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ From 1892 to 1924, millions of European immigrants set out to leave their economically and religiously fraught countries in search of opportunities that were unheard of in the majority of the European countries from which they came. This enormous journey consisted of a trip thousands of miles, or approximately weeks to months long, across the Atlantic Ocean, where they would have to survive to make it to one of the many east coast cities, such as New York or Boston. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It is the year of 1910, and you have been stuck on a boat for over two weeks. You go up on deck to escape the crowded lower deck, which is packed with humans as close as sardines in a can. As you stare at the horizon, a change in scenery catches your eye. It is land! As the boat draws closer, you see a statue in the middle of a harbor. There stands a lady, tarnished green, after all these years; you begin to cry. The boat pulls up to an island in the harbor, and here, your new life begins. For so many immigrants, Ellis Island was the final stop before reaching America. Considered a sight for sore eyes, Ellis Island was a symbol of freedom. The immigrants faced many challenges on their journey to America, yet they still pursued their dreams to become Americans and to live more prosperous lives.

The immigrants traversing to America were presented with copious amounts of challenges. The boat ride to America was extensive and tedious, taking weeks to cross the sea. The comfort of the immigrants' trips also depended on what classes they were in. People in higher classes would receive more elegant rooms and comfort; immigrants in the lower classes would live in mediocre conditions until they reached America. Immigrants were jubilant when they reached Ellis Island, but their troubles were far from over. Once on the Island, families had to wait hours to be checked out. If they were okay, physically and legally, they were permitted to enter their new home. On the other hand, if immigrants had incurable health problems or legal issues, then the immigrants were sent back to their original countries. Not very many people, about two percent of all immigrants, found this to be their fate. Sometimes, once the immigrants were in America, they had very little money and had to work hard to make ends meet. Although these challenges may seem horrible, the immigrants had good reason to endure them.

The immigrants entering America through Ellis Island endured all of the challenges and hardships because they needed to start over. Beginning a life in America was an opportunity to start off with a clean slate. A family might be chain migrating, or following relatives who already lived in America, like Boris's family in American Wings. People traveled to America because they were escaping troubles in their native country. As in Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye's family must leave their home because they are forced to by Russian soldiers. Many people also believed that they had a better chance to support their family in America. It was said that America had streets paved with gold. Of course, this wasn't true, but America gave many immigrants the opportunity to start a new life.

People immigrating to America between 1892 and 1924 were presented with a plethora of challenges. These included a crowded, monotonous boat ride that could last for weeks, a long wait at Ellis Island, or the worst case scenario, being deported back to the country they were trying to escape from.

Nonetheless, the challenges were met head on. The immigrants wanted a new life in America. They either had family already in America, were forced out of their home countries, or needed a better way to support their family. The desire to start fresh in America overpowered the complexity of the challenges immigrants were forced to endure.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer makes clear connections between the texts and the task to establish and maintain a clear controlling idea. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task

The essay captures readers’ attention by using an engaging scenario in the introduction. (“ It is the year of 1910, and you have been stuck on a boat for over two weeks. You go up on deck to escape the crowded lower deck, which is packed with humans as close as sardines in a can. As you stare at the horizon, a change in scenery catches your eye. It is land! As the boat draws closer, you see a statue in the middle of a harbor. There stands a lady, tarnished green, after all these years; you begin to cry. ”)

Specific information from the text s is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. (“ People traveled to America because they were escaping troubles in their native country. As in Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye's family must leave their home because they are forced to by Russian soldiers. Many people also believed that they had a better chance to support their family in America. It was said that America had streets paved with gold. Of course, this wasn't true, but America gave many immigrants the opportunity to start a new life. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“ On the other hand, if immigrants had incurable health problems or legal issues, then the immigrants were sent back to their original countries. Not very many people, about two percent of all immigrants, found this to be their fate. Sometimes, once the immigrants were in America, they had very little money and had to work hard to make ends meet. Although these challenges may seem horrible, the immigrants had good reason to endure them. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in most of the essay. The writer develops ideas using sufficient, appropriate details from the texts for support. However, more specific details would bolster the writer’s last two paragraphs.

The content in the body of the paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“ The immigrants traversing to America were presented with copious amounts of challenges. The boat ride to America was extensive and tedious, taking weeks to cross the sea. The comfort of the immigrants' trips also depended on what classes they were in. People in higher classes would receive more elegant rooms and comfort; immigrants in the lower classes would live in mediocre conditions until they reached America. Immigrants were jubilant when they reached Ellis Island, but their troubles were far from over. Once on the Island, families had to wait hours to be checked out. If they were okay, physically and legally, they were permitted to enter their new home. ”)

The details, including relevant information from the texts, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“ The immigrants entering America through Ellis Island endured all of the challenges and hardships because they needed to start over. Beginning a life in America was an opportunity to start off with a clean slate. A family might be chain migrating, or following relatives who already lived in America, like Boris's family in American Wings. People traveled to America because they were escaping troubles in their native country. As in Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye's family must leave their home because they are forced to by Russian soldiers. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The immigrants entering America through Ellis Island endured all of the challenges and hardships because they needed to start over. Beginning a life in America was an opportunity to start off with a clean slate. A family might be chain migrating, or following relatives who already lived in America, like Boris's family in American Wings. People traveled to America because they were escaping troubles in their native country. As in Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye's family must leave their home because they are forced to by Russian soldiers. Many people also believed that they had a better chance to support their family in America. It was said that America had streets paved with gold. Of course, this wasn't true, but America gave many immigrants the opportunity to start a new life.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ It is the year of 1910, and you have been stuck on a boat for over two weeks. You go up on deck to escape the crowded lower deck, which is packed with humans as close as sardines in a can. As you stare at the horizon, a change in scenery catches your eye. It is land! As the boat draws closer, you see a statue in the middle of a harbor. There stands a lady, tarnished green, after all these years; you begin to cry. The boat pulls up to an island in the harbor, and here, your new life begins. For so many immigrants, Ellis Island was the final stop before reaching America. Considered a sight for sore eyes, Ellis Island was a symbol of freedom. The immigrants faced many challenges on their journey to America, yet they still pursued their dreams to become Americans and to live more prosperous lives. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ Immigrants were jubilant when they reached Ellis Island, but their troubles were far from over. Once on the Island, families had to wait hours to be checked out. If they were okay, physically and legally, they were permitted to enter their new home. On the other hand, if immigrants had incurable health problems or legal issues, then the immigrants were sent back to their original countries. Not very many people, about two percent of all immigrants, found this to be their fate. Sometimes, once the immigrants were in America, they had very little money and had to work hard to make ends meet. Although these challenges may seem horrible, the immigrants had good reason to endure them. ”)

The essay’s conclusion, although very brief, provides readers with a sense of closure. (“ Nonetheless, the challenges were met head on. The immigrants wanted a new life in America. They either had family already in America, were forced out of their home countries, or needed a better way to support their family. The desire to start fresh in America overpowered the complexity of the challenges immigrants were forced to endure. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Immigrants were jubilant when they reached Ellis Island, but their troubles were far from over. Once on the Island, families had to wait hours to be checked out. If they were okay, physically and legally, they were permitted to enter their new home. On the other hand, if immigrants had incurable health problems or legal issues, then the immigrants were sent back to their original countries. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ The immigrants entering America through Ellis Island endured all of the challenges and hardships because they needed to start over. Beginning a life in America was an opportunity to start off with a clean slate. A family might be chain migrating, or following relatives who already lived in America, like Boris's family in American Wings. People traveled to America because they were escaping troubles in their native country. ”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe some of the challenges faced by immigrants as they sailed to America. (“ The immigrants traversing to America were presented with copious amounts of challenges. The boat ride to America was extensive and tedious, taking weeks to cross the sea. The comfort of the immigrants' trips also depended on what classes they were in. People in higher classes would receive more elegant rooms and comfort; immigrants in the lower classes would live in mediocre conditions until they reached America. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ People immigrating to America between 1892 and 1924 were presented with a plethora of challenges. These included a crowded, monotonous boat ride that could last for weeks, a long wait at Ellis Island, or the worst case scenario, being deported back to the country they were trying to escape from.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Ellis Island

From 1892 to 1942, Ellis Island was a place where many immigrants came to become Americans. Ellis Island was also called a reception center. The main source of immigrants were Jewish, Italian, Polish, and Chinese. Immigrants came from all over the world by boat looking for a better place. They wanted too make a better life for themselves and their families.

Immigrants went to Ellis Island to get registered and checked to become an American citizen. At these reception centers, immigrants would get health examinations and have their last name shortened if it was too difficult to read and/or write. Immigrants would wait for hours to be checked, but it was well worth the wait. Being an American citizen initially meant having a better life. If an immigrant was too ill or had legal problems, then they would not be admitted as an American citizen and eventually be deported. Luckily, only about two percent of immigrants went back to their birth countries. Over 12 million immigrants were admitted as American citizens through Ellis Island.

Immigrant's that were accepted into America would mainly work in sweatshops. The sweatshops were dangerous, dark, and paid very low. Most of the immigrants were also very uneducated, making it hard to receive a better job. Since they got paid so low, immigrants had to live in industrial cities instead of farmland. It was also very hard for the immigrants to maintain food for their families. Another problem immigrants faced was that they wanted to preserve their own culture. They did not want to lose everything they had grown up on. Even though they wanted too keep their own culture, immigrants also wanted too experience and be a part of the American culture. So there were many different diverse cities filled with immigrants and different cultures.

I think many people experienced hard times in their birth countries, so they believed that America would be a better place for them to live. I think some people strive to have happiness so they'll do almost anything to achieve it. At the time, America was a place where immigrants could be free from most turmoil. It was also a place where they could start over and have a good life. So the difficulty many immigrants experienced trying to become a citizen, was usually worth it. Ellis Island helped many people start over and experience the good things in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer shows a basic understanding of the texts and the purpose of the task, and implies connections between the texts and the task through a controlling or central idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“From 1892 to 1942, Ellis Island was a place where many immigrants came to become Americans. Ellis Island was also called a reception center. The main source of immigrants were Jewish, Italian, Polish, and Chinese. Immigrants came from all over the world by boat looking for a better place. They wanted too make a better life for themselves and their families.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the challenges immigrants faced as they came to America. (“Immigrant's that were accepted into America would mainly work in sweatshops. The sweatshops were dangerous, dark, and paid very low. Most of the immigrants were also very uneducated, making it hard to receive a better job. Since they got paid so low, immigrants had to live in industrial cities instead of farmland.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“At the time, America was a place where immigrants could be free from most turmoil. It was also a place where they could start over and have a good life. So the difficulty many immigrants experienced trying to become a citizen, was usually worth it. Ellis Island helped many people start over and experience the good things in life.”)

The essay makes connections between specific information from the passages and the writer’s ideas. (“Immigrants would wait for hours to be checked, but it was well worth the wait. Being an American citizen initially meant having a better life. If an immigrant was too ill or had legal problems, then they would not be admitted as an American citizen and eventually be deported. Luckily, only about two percent of immigrants went back to their birth countries. Over 12 million immigrants were admitted as American citizens through Ellis Island.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details from the texts for support.

The essay uses adequate details from the texts to illustrate the main ideas. (“Immigrant's that were accepted into America would mainly work in sweatshops. The sweatshops were dangerous, dark, and paid very low. Most of the immigrants were also very uneducated, making it hard to receive a better job. Since they got paid so low, immigrants had to live in industrial cities instead of farmland. It was also very hard for the immigrants to maintain food for their families.”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Another problem immigrants faced was that they wanted to preserve their own culture. They did not want to lose everything they had grown up on. Even though they wanted too keep their own culture, immigrants also wanted too experience and be a part of the American culture. So there were many different diverse cities filled with immigrants and different cultures.”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the trials endured by immigrants in their quest for a new life in America.

The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the texts. (“Immigrants went to Ellis Island to get registered and checked to become an American citizen. At these reception centers, immigrants would get health examinations and have their last name shortened if it was too difficult to read and/or write. Immigrants would wait for hours to be checked, but it was well worth the wait. Being an American citizen initially meant having a better life. If an immigrant was too ill or had legal problems, then they would not be admitted as an American citizen and eventually be deported.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by providing an interesting statistic. (“ From 1892 to 1942, Ellis Island was a place where many immigrants came to become Americans. Ellis Island was also called a reception center. The main source of immigrants were Jewish, Italian, Polish, and Chinese. Immigrants came from all over the world by boat looking for a better place. They wanted too make a better life for themselves and their families. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ If an immigrant was too ill or had legal problems, then they would not be admitted as an American citizen and eventually be deported. Luckily, only about two percent of immigrants went back to their birth countries. Over 12 million immigrants were admitted as American citizens through Ellis Island.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response and does not leave the readers with too much to think about; however, readers do have a sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion by including a summary of ideas and leaving readers with something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ So the difficulty many immigrants experienced trying to become a citizen, was usually worth it. Ellis Island helped many people start over and experience the good things in life. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ If an immigrant was too ill or had legal problems, then they would not be admitted as an American citizen and eventually be deported. Luckily, only about two percent of immigrants went back to their birth countries. Over 12 million immigrants were admitted as American citizens through Ellis Island.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes many of the trials endured by the immigrants and their reasons for coming to America. (“ I think many people experienced hard times in their birth countries, so they believed that America would be a better place for them to live. I think some people strive to have happiness so they'll do almost anything to achieve it. At the time, America was a place where immigrants could be free from most turmoil. It was also a place where they could start over and have a good life. So the difficulty many immigrants experienced trying to become a citizen, was usually worth it. Ellis Island helped many people start over and experience the good things in life.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ Immigrants went to Ellis Island to get registered and checked to become an American citizen. At these reception centers, immigrants would get health examinations and have their last name shortened if it was too difficult to read and/or write. Immigrants would wait for hours to be checked, but it was well worth the wait. Being an American citizen initially meant having a better life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ The main source of immigrants were Jewish, Italian, Polish, and Chinese. Immigrants came from all over the world by boat looking for a better place. They wanted too make a better life for themselves and their families.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Many immigrants faced challenges coming to America, like having to register at government reception centers. Imagine millions of people who speak all different languages and examiners at the centers who only speak English trying to escort you two the right direction. Examiners at the centers recorded the immigrant's names-sometimes shortening or simplifying a name they found too difficult to write. The examiners asked the immigrants where they came from, their occupation, and whether they had relatives in the United States. The examiners also checked for any illnesses. Immigrants with any illnesses could be refused permission to enter the United States.

I think that many people endured these challenges to become Americans because they were "pushed" away by difficult conditions at home and "pulled" to the United States by new opportunities. Many people left there home countries because of economic troubles, over crowding and poverty made jobs scarce, farmers could not own enough land to support their families.

When they had moved in to the United states, immigrants had to adjust to a new life. Immigrants tried to preserve some aspects of there own cultures. At the same time most wanted to assimilate or become part of the American culture some times this came to a conflict and also family friction.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, texts, audience, and task. The writer provides limited connections between the texts and prompt task. The essay provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer only focuses on one challenge of the registration process at Ellis Island, and the description is limited at best. (“ Imagine millions of people who speak all different languages and examiners at the centers who only speak English trying to escort you two the right direction. Examiners at the centers recorded the immigrant's names-sometimes shortening or simplifying a name they found too difficult to write.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the texts to illustrate the numerous struggles experienced by the immigrants and the reasons for their journeys from their homelands. (“Many people left there home countries because of economic troubles, over crowding and poverty made jobs scarce, farmers could not own enough land to support their families.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details from the texts for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“When they had moved in to the United states, immigrants had to adjust to a new life. Immigrants tried to preserve some aspects of there own cultures. At the same time most wanted to assimilate or become part of the American culture some times this came to a conflict and also family friction.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“When they had moved in to the United states, immigrants had to adjust to a new life. Immigrants tried to preserve some aspects of there own cultures.”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the texts should connect ideas clearly to support the writer’s ideas. (“At the same time most wanted to assimilate or become part of the American culture some times this came to a conflict and also family friction.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. (“ Many immigrants faced challenges coming to America, like having to register at government reception centers.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ I think that many people endured these challenges to become Americans because they were "pushed" away by difficult conditions at home and "pulled" to the United States by new opportunities. Many people left there home countries because of economic troubles, over crowding and poverty made jobs scarce, farmers could not own enough land to support their families.”)

The writer does not provide a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize main ideas and give readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ At the same time most wanted to assimilate or become part of the American culture some times this came to a conflict and also family friction.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentence lengths are short. (“ When they had moved in to the United states, immigrants had to adjust to a new life. Immigrants tried to preserve some aspects of there own cultures.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“ At the same time most wanted to assimilate or become part of the American culture some times this came to a conflict and also family friction.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ The examiners also checked for any illnesses. Immigrants with any illnesses could be refused permission to enter the United States.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Many people left there home countries because of economic troubles, over crowding and poverty made jobs scarce, farmers could not own enough land to support their families. When they had moved in to the United states, immigrants had to adjust to a new life. Immigrants tried to preserve some aspects of there own cultures. At the same time most wanted to assimilate or become part of the American culture some times this came to a conflict and also family friction.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The immiagrents always traveled by ship. Some never made it because they might of gotten sick and died. You where lucky to be alive. But some times you weren't too lucky because you would of had gotten sent back and you might die of health on the ship. Why you would of gotten sent back was because of your health or for some other reason. When they got on to the ship they where most likely scared and frightened

On the way there they got sick, hungry and some eventually died. Some lived to see America some didn't get to see them. I could only imagine seeing this horrifying thing happen to people. I wish we could of gone back too normal at that time.

Why did all these horrible things happen then well because people were poor and couldn't afford a fancy ride back to America like they rich people could things were a lot different back in the late 18 hundrads. Like 1 dollar bill was a lot to ask for it could buy you a lot of stuff, but some people didn't even have a penny that's how poor there where. Inconculsion, back then was that much fun as now, but soon this day will be boring and not so fun as we think it is.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, texts, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“ The immiagrents always traveled by ship. Some never made it because they might of gotten sick and died.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific details of challenges taken on by immigrants in their quest to come to a new country. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the tragedies and triumphs experienced by immigrants during the early 1900s.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the struggles being described. More details from the texts are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Why you would of gotten sent back was because of your health or for some other reason. When they got on to the ship they where most likely scared and frightened On the way there they got sick, hungry and some eventually died. Some lived to see America some didn't get to see them. I could only imagine seeing this horrifying thing happen to people.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“Why did all these horrible things happen then well because people were poor and couldn't afford a fancy ride back to America like they rich people could things were a lot different back in the late 18 hundrads. Like 1 dollar bill was a lot to ask for it could buy you a lot of stuff, but some people didn't even have a penny that's how poor there where.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the texts for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“The immiagrents always traveled by ship. Some never made it because they might of gotten sick and died. You where lucky to be alive. But some times you weren't too lucky because you would of had gotten sent back and you might die of health on the ship. Why you would of gotten sent back was because of your health or for some other reason.”)

In this two-paragraph essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“ Why did all these horrible things happen then well because people were poor and couldn't afford a fancy ride back to America like they rich people could things were a lot different back in the late 18 hundrads. Like 1 dollar bill was a lot to ask for it could buy you a lot of stuff, but some people didn't even have a penny that's how poor there where.”)

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the texts that give readers a clear picture of the specific illnesses or conditions that led to the extreme challenges endured by the immigrants on the voyage to America. (“Why you would of gotten sent back was because of your health or for some other reason. When they got on to the ship they where most likely scared and frightened On the way there they got sick, hungry and some eventually died. Some lived to see America some didn't get to see them. I could only imagine seeing this horrifying thing happen to people. I wish we could of gone back too normal at that time.”)

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The immiagrents always traveled by ship. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Why you would of gotten sent back was because of your health or for some other reason. When they got on to the ship they where most likely scared and frightened On the way there they got sick, hungry and some eventually died. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Inconculsion, back then was that much fun as now, but soon this day will be boring and not so fun as we think it is. ”)

Language Use & Style

The minimal structure of many sentences impedes effective communication of ideas. (“ You where lucky to be alive. But some times you weren't too lucky because you would of had gotten sent back and you might die of health on the ship. Why you would of gotten sent back was because of your health or for some other reason.”)

There is repetition in the essay. (“ You where lucky to be alive. But some times you weren't too lucky because you would of had gotten sent back and you might die of health on the ship. Why you would of gotten sent back was because of your health or for some other reason. When they got on to the ship they where most likely scared and frightened On the way there they got sick, hungry and some eventually died.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. (“ Like 1 dollar bill was a lot to ask for it could buy you a lot of stuff, but some people didn't even have a penny that's how poor there where. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“Why did all these horrible things happen then well because people were poor and couldn't afford a fancy ride back to America like they rich people could things were a lot different back in the late 18 hundrads. Like 1 dollar bill was a lot to ask for it could buy you a lot of stuff, but some people didn't even have a penny that's how poor there where.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The immgrants hope to find better lives in America then what they had back in Ellis Island but the challenges the immgrants face comeing to American.Like the Boris could not understand the words and some did not see the English spelling for there family names. Some had taveled a very long way from Minsk and Russia. Lots of immgrants face this challenges when they come to American. Like the Mexican,Russia,Africa,China,Minsk and Erupe.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer does not sustain a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the texts or purpose of the task to the intended audience. The essay response does not satisfy any parts of the task.

The essay states a central/controlling idea, but does not develop the idea adequately through examples and descriptive details from the texts. (“ The immgrants hope to find better lives in America then what they had back in Ellis Island but the challenges the immgrants face comeing to American.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from the texts to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ Like the Boris could not understand the words and some did not see the English spelling for there family names.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details from the texts renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“Lots of immgrants face this challenges when they come to American. Like the Mexican,Russia,Africa,China,Minsk and Erupe.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support and providing virtually no details from the texts.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Some had taveled a very long way from Minsk and Russia. Lots of immgrants face this challenges when they come to American.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“The immgrants hope to find better lives in America then what they had back in Ellis Island but the challenges the immgrants face comeing to American.Like the Boris could not understand the words and some did not see the English spelling for there family names. Some had taveled a very long way from Minsk and Russia. Lots of immgrants face this challenges when they come to American. Like the Mexican,Russia,Africa,China,Minsk and Erupe.”)

Details from the texts are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“Lots of immgrants face this challenges when they come to American. Like the Mexican,Russia,Africa,China,Minsk and Erupe.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The immgrants hope to find better lives in America then what they had back in Ellis Island but the challenges the immgrants face comeing to American.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Like the Boris could not understand the words and some did not see the English spelling for there family names. Some had taveled a very long way from Minsk and Russia.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Like the Mexican,Russia,Africa,China,Minsk and Erupe.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style is inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ Some had taveled a very long way from Minsk and Russia. Lots of immgrants face this challenges when they come to American.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The immgrants hope to find better lives in America then what they had back in Ellis Island but the challenges the immgrants face comeing to American.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“Like the Boris could not understand the words and some did not see the English spelling for there family names.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Jet Packs

After researching articles on jet packs, write a detailed essay that explains the process of how they work. In your essay, include the conclusion or implications you can draw from the development of this technology. Cite the sources used for your research, pointing out key elements from each source.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever conceived an idea of strapping an apparatus to your back and flying around town? This nimble apparatus allows you to soar through the air, avoid all traffic, and take the shortest route! This device is usually called a jet pack. It is a brilliant idea, yet no inventors have yet had a logical and rational idea for this device. Therefore, their invention becomes obsolete. However, all of this has been changed. There are multiple jet pack models, the process of how each of the models work varies. With the introduction of the Bell Rocket Belt, people can actually fly, if only for a minute. A recent advancement is called the Martin Jet Pack. It is powered completely differently, yet still flies better than the Bell Rocket Belt. Finally, a man named John Ross has succeeded in attaching jet-powered wings to his body and flying for more than twenty minutes.

An early and famous attempt for a jet pack is called the Bell Rocket Belt. This invention was created by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration in the early nineteen sixties. It is the smallest form of jet pack in this essay, and also has the shortest life, with a flying time span of just over a minute. This idea is a very uncomplicated: a person straps three tanks to their back. One tank is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The other two are filled with highly concentrated hydrogen peroxide. The nitrogen is used to push out the hydrogen peroxide. The hydrogen peroxide then runs through a pipe and hits a silver mash catalyst. Through the catalyst, the hydrogen peroxide turns into oxygen and water. Because of the heat of this process, the water is turned into high pressured steam. The steam can be directed through two nozzles. This steam produces thrust. The nozzles are controlled with hand grips, and the pilot may control thrust power and direction through the hand grips. The only thing cumbersome about this invention is the fact that flight only lasts about one minute. This is because a person may not store enough fuel on his or her back for a longer ride.

A more contemporary (and longer flying) jet pack is called the Martin Jet Pack. This version of the jet pack is developed by Martin Aircraft Company Limited in New Zealand. It runs on petroleum fuel, not nitrogen and hydrogen peroxide like the Bell Rocket Belt. Instead of forcing the fuel out, this contraption uses the fuel to power to propellers. The Martin Jet Pack looks nothing like the Bell Rocket Belt. Because of the size of the two propellers, and the fuel tank needed to store such a massive amount of petroleum, this device is more than six feet tall, and weighs about two hundred and fifty pounds. Instead of binding the device to your back, you must climb onto the device. The engines that power the propellers have two hundred horsepower in order to provide enough power for this thingamabob to climb into the sky. The Martin Aircraft Company Limited hopes this invention will have many versatile uses, such as using it as rapid urban police vehicles, military reconnaissance, and mountain rescue. People may also purchase this just for recreational use! This machine is actually a plausible idea because it is already commercially available, if only expensive, because it costs two hundred thousand dollars.

One of the zaniest people and ideas in the world is John Ross - Human Jet Man. His approach to flying is even more incredible than the ideas I have mentioned before. John was in the Swiss Air Force prior to his obsession with jet flying. He was a fighter pilot, which probably explains the whole jet part. Instead of power with propellers or hydrogen peroxide, John uses one massive wing equipped with jets, powered by four jet engines. His wing is seventy-nine inches long! With his jet wing, it's more about speed and distance. Jumping out of an airplane, Ross turns and his engines and has a flight time of eight minutes, with speeds reaching over one-hundred and ninety miles per hour! However, his machine shares one thing in common with the Martin Jet Pack: they are both powered by fossil fuels.

Ross's zany jet wing can compare to both an airplane and a hang glider. The airplane part comes in because Ross's jet wing is powered by four jets. His machine is also like a hang glider, because he cannot take of just on his own power. He must jump off of a tall object, like an airplane or the cliff edge of the Grand Canyon in Arizona. His pitch is controlled by arching and bending his back. If he arches his back up, he will increase his altitude. Then, if he bends his back forward, then he will swoop down and his altitude will plummet. John's roll is controlled with the twisting of his body. If he wants to perform a barrel roll, he simply rolls in the air. His yaw is controlled by head and feet movements. If he wants to turn, he moves his head and feet. Ross lands with a parachute, activating it when he is done flying. John Ross has performed many feats with his jet wing, including jumping off of the edge of the Grand Canyon and performing the first ever jet pack loop de loop. However, Ross's invention may sometimes go awry. If none of his controls are working, or he has run out of fuel, he must detach himself from the mechanical wonder and activate his emergency parachute.

As you can see, the jet pack of yesterday and the jet pack of today are two completely different ideas. Whereas the jet pack of the past was a dangerous, illogical idea, these jet packs are taking shape and are working well. The Martin Jet Pack is already commercially available. Although the Bell Rocket Belt is not very practical, as it provides flight for only one minute, the technology may provide scientists a firm basis to more research. The contraption used by John Ross, the Swiss Human Jet Man, may not actually proceed to commercial or scientific purposes, and be parsimoniously bought. However, in the near future, it may, in my daydreams, be a device used for racing. Who knows what will happen? Anything can be possible! These mechanical wonders will, in my opinion, be the basis of wonderful new flight technologies for the future.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer makes insightful connections between the text and the task through a controlling idea, central idea, or thesis statement. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves readers with a clear picture of how jet packs work.

The essay engages readers in the introduction by very effectively illustrating the potential uses of jet packs. (“ Have you ever conceived an idea of strapping an apparatus to your back and flying around town? This nimble apparatus allows you to soar through the air, avoid all traffic, and take the shortest route! This device is usually called a jet pack. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ A more contemporary (and longer flying) jet pack is called the Martin Jet Pack. This version of the jet pack is developed by Martin Aircraft Company Limited in New Zealand. It runs on petroleum fuel, not nitrogen and hydrogen peroxide like the Bell Rocket Belt. Instead of forcing the fuel out, this contraption uses the fuel to power to propellers. The Martin Jet Pack looks nothing like the Bell Rocket Belt. Because of the size of the two propellers, and the fuel tank needed to store such a massive amount of petroleum, this device is more than six feet tall, and weighs about two hundred and fifty pounds. Instead of binding the device to your back, you must climb onto the device. The engines that power the propellers have two hundred horsepower in order to provide enough power for this thingamabob to climb into the sky. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ There are multiple jet pack models, the process of how each of the models work varies. With the introduction of the Bell Rocket Belt, people can actually fly, if only for a minute. A recent advancement is called the Martin Jet Pack. It is powered completely differently, yet still flies better than the Bell Rocket Belt. Finally, a man named John Ross has succeeded in attaching jet-powered wings to his body and flying for more than twenty minutes. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of methods to reference and cite text that provides specific and relevant details to support the thesis statement.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the process in which a jet pack is able to fly very effectively. (“ An early and famous attempt for a jet pack is called the Bell Rocket Belt. This invention was created by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration in the early nineteen sixties. It is the smallest form of jet pack in this essay, and also has the shortest life, with a flying time span of just over a minute. This idea is a very uncomplicated: a person straps three tanks to their back. One tank is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The other two are filled with highly concentrated hydrogen peroxide. The nitrogen is used to push out the hydrogen peroxide. The hydrogen peroxide then runs through a pipe and hits a silver mash catalyst. Through the catalyst, the hydrogen peroxide turns into oxygen and water. Because of the heat of this process, the water is turned into high pressured steam. The steam can be directed through two nozzles. This steam produces thrust. ”)

Details from the selections explain and illustrate the main ideas very effectively. (“ One of the zaniest people and ideas in the world is John Ross - Human Jet Man. His approach to flying is even more incredible than the ideas I have mentioned before. John was in the Swiss Air Force prior to his obsession with jet flying. He was a fighter pilot, which probably explains the whole jet part. Instead of power with propellers or hydrogen peroxide, John uses one massive wing equipped with jets, powered by four jet engines. His wing is seventy-nine inches long! With his jet wing, it's more about speed and distance. ”)

Specific information about how jet packs work is developed very effectively. (“ Ross's zany jet wing can compare to both an airplane and a hang glider. The airplane part comes in because Ross's jet wing is powered by four jets. His machine is also like a hang glider, because he cannot take of just on his own power. He must jump off of a tall object, like an airplane or the cliff edge of the Grand Canyon in Arizona. His pitch is controlled by arching and bending his back. If he arches his back up, he will increase his altitude. If he bends his back forward, then he will swoop down and his altitude will plummet. John's roll is controlled with the twisting of his body. ”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating a question. (“ Have you ever conceived an idea of strapping an apparatus to your back and flying around town? This nimble apparatus allows you to soar through the air, avoid all traffic, and take the shortest route! ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ As you can see, the jet pack of yesterday and the jet pack of today are two completely different ideas. Whereas the jet pack of the past was a dangerous, illogical idea, these jet packs are taking shape and are working well. The Martin Jet Pack is already commercially available. Although the Bell Rocket Belt is not very practical, as it provides flight for only one minute, the technology may provide scientists a firm basis to more research. ”)

The writer includes an ending that provides readers with a sense of closure. (“ However, in the near future, it may, in my daydreams, be a device used for racing. Who knows what will happen? Anything can be possible! These mechanical wonders will, in my opinion, be the basis of wonderful new flight technologies for the future. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the inventors of jet packs. (“ One of the zaniest people and ideas in the world is John Ross - Human Jet Man. His approach to flying is even more incredible than the ideas I have mentioned before. John was in the Swiss Air Force prior to his obsession with jet flying. He was a fighter pilot, which probably explains the whole jet part. Instead of power with propellers or hydrogen peroxide, John uses one massive wing equipped with jets, powered by four jet engines. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ A more contemporary (and longer flying) jet pack is called the Martin Jet Pack. This version of the jet pack is developed by Martin Aircraft Company Limited in New Zealand. It runs on petroleum fuel, not nitrogen and hydrogen peroxide like the Bell Rocket Belt. Instead of forcing the fuel out, this contraption uses the fuel to power to propellers. The Martin Jet Pack looks nothing like the Bell Rocket Belt. Because of the size of the two propellers, and the fuel tank needed to store such a massive amount of petroleum, this device is more than six feet tall, and weighs about two hundred and fifty pounds. ”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ Ross's zany jet wing can compare to both an airplane and a hang glider. The airplane part comes in because Ross's jet wing is powered by four jets. His machine is also like a hang glider, because he cannot take of just on his own power. He must jump off of a tall object, like an airplane or the cliff edge of the Grand Canyon in Arizona. His pitch is controlled by arching and bending his back. If he arches his back up, he will increase his altitude. Then, if he bends his back forward, then he will swoop down and his altitude will plummet. John's roll is controlled with the twisting of his body. If he wants to perform a barrel roll, he simply rolls in the air. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ An early and famous attempt for a jet pack is called the Bell Rocket Belt. This invention was created by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration in the early nineteen sixties. It is the smallest form of jet pack in this essay, and also has the shortest life, with a flying time span of just over a minute. This idea is a very uncomplicated: a person straps three tanks to their back. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Jet packs

Up, up, up and away! Have you ever dreamt of flying? I know I have, but how? With a jet packs of course! Well, how do they work? For example, there have been many attempts at making this dream of flying a reality. The most famous attempts are, the Bell Rocket Belt and the Martin Jet pack. Each of those inventors had a different method but each had success in flying, each had different results too. How are jet packs controlled? By the pitch, roll, and yaw. The inventors of the jet pack (Kelvin Kamera, Yves Rossy, etc,) are still perfecting the use of jet packs, and have been since 1992.

One example of the many jet pack attempts, is the Bell Rocket Belt, another is the Martin Jet pack. These jet packs have made appearances in James bond movies (Bell Rocket Belt) and super bowl games (Martin Jet pack). These are two of the more successful jet packs. Each and every attempt different. The bell rocket belt is fueled with nitrogen and hydrogen peroxide. A 200-horse power engine and propeller powers the martin jet pack as you can see each of these attempts are pretty diverse. And each was able to fly.

The way the Bell Rocket Belt works is quite simple. On your back are three tanks one is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The other two hold highly concentrated hydrogen peroxide. This is not the stuff that you buy at the store. That is almost all water; purified hydrogen peroxide makes very good fuel. The pressurized nitrogen is there to push the hydrogen peroxide out of the other tanks the hydrogen peroxide runs through a pipe and hits a silver mesh catalyst. When it hits the silver, the hydrogen peroxide immediately turns to oxygen and water. The water flashes into a high-pressure steam because of the heat of the reaction. The steam is then directed out two nozzles to create thrust, but the only problem with the Bell Rocket Belt is that every flight lasts less than thirty seconds. The Martin jet pack can fly up to thirty minutes with a top speed of sixty miles per hour; it runs on a two hundred horse power engine with propellers that's more than most cars! Although these jet packs can fly, they need to make them more aerodynamic.

For instance Rossy not only created a more aerodynamic model but also designed a jet pack with more triangular wings that he thought would help him do a loop the loop. A pilot can make an aircraft do three basic movements pitch, roll and yaw. Pitch is the movement of an aircraft in which the nose rises and the other end falls. Roll is the movement of an aircraft as one wing rises and the other falls. Yaw is the horizontal movement of an aircraft to the left or the right. A pilot can make a jet pack do these things by how he moves his back, shoulders and hands.

All in all how do jet packs work? There have been many attempts some greater than others; they found that using hydrogen peroxide couldn't carry enough fuel. So the engine was the better choice. A pilot can make an aircraft do three basic movements pitch, roll and yaw. A pilot of a jet pack uses his body to perform these three movements. The inventors are still working to perfect the jet pack. You never know what the future will bring. After all, we've made it this far; some day we might have flyers Ed instead of drivers Ed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer makes clear connections between the text and the task to establish and maintain a clear controlling idea. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay captures readers’ attention by including an exclamation and a question in the introduction. (“ Up, up, up and away! Have you ever dreamt of flying? I know I have, but how? With a jet packs of course! Well, how do they work? For example, there have been many attempts at making this dream of flying a reality. ”)

Specific information from the text is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. (“ One example of the many jet pack attempts, is the Bell Rocket Belt, another is the Martin Jet pack. These jet packs have made appearances in James bond movies (Bell Rocket Belt) and super bowl games (Martin Jet pack). These are two of the more successful jet packs. Each and every attempt different. The bell rocket belt is fueled with nitrogen and hydrogen peroxide. A 200-horse power engine and propeller powers the martin jet pack as you can see each of these attempts are pretty diverse. And each was able to fly. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ How are jet packs controlled? By the pitch, roll, and yaw. The inventors of the jet pack (Kelvin Kamera, Yves Rossy, etc,) are still perfecting the use of jet packs, and have been since 1992. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and develops ideas using sufficient, appropriate details from the text for support. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves readers with a clear picture of how each jet pack model works.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“The way the Bell Rocket Belt works is quite simple. On your back are three tanks one is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The other two hold highly concentrated hydrogen peroxide. This is not the stuff that you buy at the store. That is almost all water; purified hydrogen peroxide makes very good fuel. The pressurized nitrogen is there to push the hydrogen peroxide out of the other tanks the hydrogen peroxide runs through a pipe and hits a silver mesh catalyst. When it hits the silver, the hydrogen peroxide immediately turns to oxygen and water. The water flashes into a high-pressure steam because of the heat of the reaction. The steam is then directed out two nozzles to create thrust, but the only problem with the Bell Rocket Belt is that every flight lasts less than thirty seconds.”)

The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“For instance Rossy not only created a more aerodynamic model but also designed a jet pack with more triangular wings that he thought would help him do a loop the loop. A pilot can make an aircraft do three basic movements pitch, roll and yaw. Pitch is the movement of an aircraft in which the nose rises and the other end falls. Roll is the movement of an aircraft as one wing rises and the other falls. Yaw is the horizontal movement of an aircraft to the left or the right. A pilot can make a jet pack do these things by how he moves his back, shoulders and hands.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ One example of the attempts, is the Bell Rocket Belt, another is the Martin Jet pack. These jet packs have made appearances in James bond movies (Bell Rocket Belt) super bowl games (Martin Jet pack). These are two of the more successful jet packs. Each and every attempt different. The bell rocket belt is fueled with nitrogen and hydrogen peroxide. A 200-horse power engine and propeller powers the martin jet pack as you can see each of these attempts are pretty diverse. And each was able to fly. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Up, up, up and away! Have you ever dreamt of flying? I know I have, but how? With a jet packs of course! Well, how do they work? For example, there have been many attempts at making this dream of flying a reality. The most famous attempts are, the Bell Rocket Belt and the Martin Jet pack. Each of those inventors had a different method but each had success in flying, each had different results too. How are jet packs controlled? By the pitch, roll, and yaw. The inventors of the jet pack (Kelvin Kamera, Yves Rossy, etc,) are still perfecting the use of jet packs, and have been since 1992. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ Although these jet packs can fly, they need to make them more aerodynamic. …For instance Rossy not only created a more aerodynamic model but also designed a jet pack with more triangular wings that he thought would help him do a loop the loop. ”)

The essay’s conclusion provides readers with a sense of closure. (“ All in all how do jet packs work? There have been many attempts some greater than others; they found that using hydrogen peroxide couldn't carry enough fuel. So the engine was the better choice. A pilot can make an aircraft do three basic movements pitch, roll and yaw. A pilot of a jet pack uses his body to perform these three movements. The inventors are still working to perfect the jet pack. You never know what the future will bring. After all, we've made it this far; some day we might have flyers Ed instead of drivers Ed. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ One example of the many jet pack attempts, is the Bell Rocket Belt, another is the Martin Jet pack. These jet packs have made appearances in James bond movies (Bell Rocket Belt) and super bowl games (Martin Jet pack). These are two of the more successful jet packs. Each and every attempt different. The bell rocket belt is fueled with nitrogen and hydrogen peroxide. A 200-horse power engine and propeller powers the martin jet pack as you can see each of these attempts are pretty diverse. And each was able to fly.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ Although these jet packs can fly, they need to make them more aerodynamic. …For instance Rossy not only created a more aerodynamic model but also designed a jet pack with more triangular wings that he thought would help him do a loop the loop. A pilot can make an aircraft do three basic movements pitch, roll and yaw. Pitch is the movement of an aircraft in which the nose rises and the other end falls. Roll is the movement of an aircraft as one wing rises and the other falls. Yaw is the horizontal movement of an aircraft to the left or the right. A pilot can make a jet pack do these things by how he moves his back, shoulders and hands.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe the process of how the Bell Rocket Belt works. (“ The way the Bell Rocket Belt works is quite simple. On your back are three tanks one is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The other two hold highly concentrated hydrogen peroxide. This is not the stuff that you buy at the store. That is almost all water; purified hydrogen peroxide makes very good fuel. The pressurized nitrogen is there to push the hydrogen peroxide out of the other tanks the hydrogen peroxide runs through a pipe and hits a silver mesh catalyst. When it hits the silver, the hydrogen peroxide immediately turns to oxygen and water. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ The Martin jet pack can fly up to thirty minutes with a top speed of sixty miles per hour; it runs on a two hundred horse power engine with propellers that's more than most cars! Although these jet packs can fly, they need to make them more aerodynamic. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wondered what the future would be like? Most people think of houses that talk to you and fancy hovering cars. Everybody wants what's new and they want to be different so instead of buying a car they could just take their money and buy a jet pack. I mean they're faster, cooler, newer, and you wouldn't have to deal with the daily commute.

There are mostly three different types of jet packs. There is the rocket propelled which uses a combustible engine and a combustible liquid such as gasoline, hydrogen peroxide and even rocket fuel. There is also the water propelled jet pack that uses a high capacity water pump that shoots the water toward the body of water pushing it off the waters surface and into the air. The last is jet propelled which uses an engine to push air thus causing flight.

Hydrogen peroxide jet packs: The hydrogen peroxide is in two tanks on the outside in between those is a tank with nitrogen when they open the valve the two liquids join and is pushed up through the fuel lines up to the valve where the amount of power can be limited. When the valve is open the fuel shoots up is heated and creates steam which creates thrust and pushes itself and the person off the ground.

Another type of jet pack is a jet powered machine. These machines are smaller, use about the same amount of fuel to run, and are more powerful. These rockets run off of rocket fuel and are basically small jet engines bolted to a fuel tank and a seat belt. These jet packs are easier to control all you do is adjust the amount of fuel flowing through the fuel line to gain more altitude or turn.

Alot of jet packs are home made because the companies that sell them are making a killing they sell these types of machines for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have looked some of the prices of a few. Rockets may be ideal for some people but only people with money they don't know what to do with can buy and own these machines. The cheapest water propelled jet pack cost $100,000 and that's just the machine not the flying lessons or the insurance.

Technology has increased in population and has also advanced. Jet Packs are nothing new jet packs have been around for awhile. Over time the jet packs have stayed the same you would figure that maybe because the technology around us is getting better well not so much for the jet pack. Jet packs haven't changed a bit. The ideas are the same and the technology is the same nothing has changed and maybe nothing will.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer shows a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and implies connections between the text and the task through a controlling or central idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the process of how jet packs work. (“ Hydrogen peroxide jet packs: The hydrogen peroxide is in two tanks on the outside in between those is a tank with nitrogen when they open the valve the two liquids join and is pushed up through the fuel lines up to the valve where the amount of power can be limited. When the valve is open the fuel shoots up is heated and creates steam which creates thrust and pushes itself and the person off the ground. ”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ Another type of jet pack is a jet powered machine. These machines are smaller, use about the same amount of fuel to run, and are more powerful. These rockets run off of rocket fuel and are basically small jet engines bolted to a fuel tank and a seat belt. These jet packs are easier to control all you do is adjust the amount of fuel flowing through the fuel line to gain more altitude or turn. ”)

The writer makes connections between specific information from the passages and his/her ideas. (“ There are mostly three different types of jet packs. There is the rocket propelled which uses a combustible engine and a combustible liquid such as gasoline, hydrogen peroxide and even rocket fuel. There is also the water propelled jet pack that uses a high capacity water pump that shoots the water toward the body of water pushing it off the waters surface and into the air. The last is jet propelled which uses an engine to push air thus causing flight. ”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details from the text for support.

The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“ There are mostly three different types of jet packs. There is the rocket propelled which uses a combustible engine and a combustible liquid such as gasoline, hydrogen peroxide and even rocket fuel. There is also the water propelled jet pack that uses a high capacity water pump that shoots the water toward the body of water pushing it off the waters surface and into the air. The last is jet propelled which uses an engine to push air thus causing flight. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ Another type of jet pack is a jet powered machine. These machines are smaller, use about the same amount of fuel to run, and are more powerful. These rockets run off of rocket fuel and are basically small jet engines bolted to a fuel tank and a seat belt. These jet packs are easier to control all you do is adjust the amount of fuel flowing through the fuel line to gain more altitude or turn. ”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the process of how jet packs work.

The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples. (“ Hydrogen peroxide jet packs: The hydrogen peroxide is in two tanks on the outside in between those is a tank with nitrogen when they open the valve the two liquids join and is pushed up through the fuel lines up to the valve where the amount of power can be limited. When the valve is open the fuel shoots up is heated and creates steam which creates thrust and pushes itself and the person off the ground. ”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The writing in the essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by providing an interesting question. (“ Have you ever wondered what the future would be like? Most people think of houses that talk to you and fancy hovering cars. Everybody wants what's new and they want to be different so instead of buying a car they could just take their money and buy a jet pack. I mean they're faster, cooler, newer, and you wouldn't have to deal with the daily commute. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ When the valve is open the fuel shoots up is heated and creates steam which creates thrust and pushes itself and the person off the ground. …Another type of jet pack is a jet powered machine. These machines are smaller use about the same amount of fuel to run and are more powerful. These rockets run off of rocket fuel and are basically small jet engines bolted to a fuel tank and a seat belt. ”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Technology has increased in population and has also advanced. Jet Packs are nothing new jet packs have been around for awhile. Over time the jet packs have stayed the same you would figure that maybe because the technology around us is getting better well not so much for the jet pack. Jet packs haven't changed a bit. The ideas are the same and the technology is the same nothing has changed and maybe nothing will. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Another type of jet pack is a jet powered machine. These machines are smaller, use about the same amount of fuel to run, and are more powerful. These rockets run off of rocket fuel and are basically small jet engines bolted to a fuel tank and a seat belt. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes the process of how jet packs work. (“ Alot of jet packs are home made because the companies that sell them are making a killing they sell these types of machines for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have looked some of the prices of a few. Rockets may be ideal for some people but only people with money they don't know what to do with can buy and own these machines. The cheapest water propelled jet pack cost $100,000 and that's just the machine not the flying lessons or the insurance. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ Hydrogen peroxide jet packs: The hydrogen peroxide is in two tanks on the outside in between those is a tank with nitrogen when they open the valve the two liquids join and is pushed up through the fuel lines up to the valve where the amount of power can be limited. When the valve is open the fuel shoots up is heated and creates steam which creates thrust and pushes itself and the person off the ground. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ Alot of jet packs are home made because the companies that sell them are making a killing they sell these types of machines for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have looked some of the prices of a few. Rockets may be ideal for some people but only people with money they don't know what to do with can buy and own these machines. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Jet Packs

Jet Packs are very fun and interesting you would think, but really they can only fly for a certain amount of time before you run out of power. To find out how jet packs work and how they were made then you'll have to read and find out.

Jet Packs where first worked on by the germans during ww2. The first jet pack allowed a pilot to jump up to 180ft. at a time. The first jet pack where used over 50 years ago by army forces so they could get across barbed wire and mine fields. Development in jet packs was so slow from the first promising flight test in the1940's jet pack technology has hardly advanced at all.

The first jet pack was developed in 1919 by a russian inventor. The failure to develop a useful jet pack is primarily due to the physics of a human flying.

Jet packs take hydrogen proxide mixed with pressed liquid and a silver catalyst. These hummersters or heaven stormers were designed to cross fields. There engines were mounted on the front and back of the pilot and where angled away from the body. Unlike jet packs, which use jet engines, rocket packs have either used compressed nitrogen gas or more. Commonly hydrogen peroxide. A jet pack has to create all the lift with pure thrust generating that much uses up alot of fuel quickly too. Also with just 30 sec. Its not enough time to fly.

Jeet packs were use over 50 years ago but now we have cars and other devices, and I think that jet packs are uselass if they only work for a little. i would just not even bother crossing any barbed wire or any other things. USE OTHER TECHNOLOGY!! JET PACKS ARE WORTHLESS!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, text, audience, and task. The writer provides limited connections between the text and prompt task. The essay provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses primarily on the history of jet packs and not enough on the descriptions of how jet packs work. (“Jet Packs where first worked on by the germans during ww2. The first jet pack allowed a pilot to jump up to 180ft. at a time. The first jet pack where used over 50 years ago by army forces so they could get across barbed wire and mine fields. Development in jet packs was so slow from the first promising flight test in the1940's jet pack technology has hardly advanced at all. ”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the text to illustrate the process of how jet packs work. (“ The first jet pack was developed in 1919 by a russian inventor. The failure to develop a useful jet pack is primarily due to the physics of a human flying. …Jet packs take hydrogen proxide mixed with pressed liquid and a silver catalyst. These hummersters or heaven stormers were designed to cross fields. There engines were mounted on the front and back of the pilot and where angled away from the body. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details from the text for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Jet packs take hydrogen proxide mixed with pressed liquid and a silver catalyst. These hummersters or heaven stormers were designed to cross fields. There engines were mounted on the front and back of the pilot and where angled away from the body. Unlike jet packs, which use jet engines, rocket packs have either used compressed nitrogen gas or more. Commonly hydrogen peroxide. A jet pack has to create all the lift with pure thrust generating that much uses up alot of fuel quickly too. Also with just 30 sec. Its not enough time to fly. ”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“ To find out how jet packs work and how they were made then you'll have to read and find out. …Jet Packs where first worked on by the germans during ww2. The first jet pack allowed a pilot to jump up to 180ft. at a time. The first jet pack where used over 50 years ago by army forces so they could get across barbed wire and mine fields. Development in jet packs was so slow from the first promising flight test in the1940's jet pack technology has hardly advanced at all. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should connect ideas clearly to support the writer’s ideas. (“ The first jet pack was developed in 1919 by a russian inventor. The failure to develop a useful jet pack is primarily due to the physics of a human flying ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. (“ Jet Packs are very fun and interesting you would think, but really they can only fly for a certain amount of time before you run out of power. To find out how jet packs work and how they were made then you'll have to read and find out. ”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ The first jet pack where used over 50 years ago by army forces so they could get across barbed wire and mine fields. Development in jet packs was so slow from the first promising flight test in the1940's jet pack technology has hardly advanced at all. …The first jet pack was developed in 1919 by a russian inventor. The failure to develop a useful jet pack is primarily due to the physics of a human flying. ”)

The writer does not provide a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize main ideas and give readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ Jeet packs were use over 50 years ago but now we have cars and other devices, and I think that jet packs are uselass if they only work for a little. i would just not even bother crossing any barbed wire or any other things. USE OTHER TECHNOLOGY!! JET PACKS ARE WORTHLESS!! ”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. (“ Jet Packs where first worked on by the germans during ww2. The first jet pack allowed a pilot to jump up to 180ft. at a time. ”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ Jeet packs were use over 50 years ago but now we have cars and other devices, and I think that jet packs are uselass if they only work for a little. i would just not even bother crossing any barbed wire or any other things. USE OTHER TECHNOLOGY!! JET PACKS ARE WORTHLESS!! ”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of the word “the,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ The first jet pack allowed a pilot to jump up to 180ft. at a time. The first jet pack where used over 50 years ago by army forces so they could get across barbed wire and mine fields. …The first jet pack was developed in 1919 by a russian inventor. The failure to develop a useful jet pack is primarily due to the physics of a human flying.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, words are spelled correctly, and words are used properly within the context of sentences. (“ Jeet packs were use over 50 years ago but now we have cars and other devices, and I think that jet packs are uselass if they only work for a little. i would just not even bother crossing any barbed wire or any other things. USE OTHER TECHNOLOGY!! JET PACKS ARE WORTHLESS!! ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

JET PACKS

Jet packs work by three tubes. One tube is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The others are filled with hydrogen peroxide. Even with those three things it can only work for thirty seconds in the air. Even if we could put more fuel in it it would crush a man, right now still with that fuel we have it is still really heavy. Also if we could make it last longer it's going to be a hard landing, plus that extra weight pulling you down.

How other ways to make the jet pack is there working on putting on propellers in back packs. But, to even make a jet pack it costs $100,000 so to make a new model in a back pack that small. That is going to be hard that is going to cost a lot more to create a smaller version.

Police have ordered10,000 Martin jet packs once they are done. Once they perfect it they hope they can lower the price and have the hole world will have some.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, text, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“Jet packs work by three tubes. ”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific details of the process of how jet packs work. Providing more details creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of jet packs.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the process of how jet packs work. More details from the text are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ How other ways to make the jet pack is there working on putting on propellers in back packs. But, to even make a jet pack it costs $100,000 so to make a new model in a back pack that small. ”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“ Jet packs work by three tubes. One tube is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The others are filled with hydrogen peroxide. Even with those three things it can only work for thirty seconds in the air. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“ How other ways to make the jet pack is there working on putting on propellers in back packs. But, to even make a jet pack it costs $100,000 so to make a new model in a back pack that small. That is going to be hard that is going to cost a lot more to create a smaller version. ”)

In the essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Police have ordered10,000 Martin jet packs once they are done. Once they perfect it they hope they can lower the price and have the hole world will have some. ”)

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give readers a clear picture of the specific jet packs and how each one works. (“ Jet packs work by three tubes. One tube is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The others are filled with hydrogen peroxide. Even with those three things it can only work for thirty seconds in the air. Even if we could put more fuel in it it would crush a man, right now still with that fuel we have it is still really heavy. Also if we could make it last longer it's going to be a hard landing, plus that extra weight pulling you down. ”)

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Jet packs work by three tubes. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Even if we could put more fuel in it it would crush a man, right now still with that fuel we have it is still really heavy. Also if we could make it last longer it's going to be a hard landing, plus that extra weight pulling you down. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Police have ordered10,000 Martin jet packs once they are done. Once they perfect it they hope they can lower the price and have the hole world will have some. ”)

Language Use & Style

The minimal structure of many sentences impedes effective communication of ideas. (“ Even if we could put more fuel in it it would crush a man, right now still with that fuel we have it is still really heavy. ”)

There is repetition in the essay. (“ But, to even make a jet pack it costs $100,000 so to make a new model in a back pack that small. That is going to be hard that is going to cost a lot more to create a smaller version. …Police have ordered10,000 Martin jet packs once they are done. Once they perfect it they hope they can lower the price and have the hole world will have some. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (“ Jet packs work by three tubes. One tube is filled with pressurized nitrogen. The others are filled with hydrogen peroxide. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think it would e cool to fly in the sky like superheros . i wish that jet packs were real you could build a suit to fly you could go from side to side and go up in the air some jet packs only last for 1 minute or two but you could put more fuel in jet packs . you could paint your superhero costume what ever color you like i would paint mine blue and green and red .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer does not sustain a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the text or purpose of the task to the intended audience. The essay response does not satisfy any parts of the task.

The essay states a central/controlling idea but does not develop the idea adequately through examples and descriptive details from the text. (“ i wish that jet packs were real you could build a suit to fly you could go from side to side and go up in the air some jet packs only last for 1 minute or two but you could put more fuel in jet packs .”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from the text to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ I think it would e cool to fly in the sky like superheros .”)

The essay’s lack of specific details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“you could paint your superhero costume what ever color you like i would paint mine blue and green and red .”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support and providing virtually no details from the text.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the process of how jet packs work. (“I think it would e cool to fly in the sky like superheros .”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“I think it would e cool to fly in the sky like superheros . i wish that jet packs were real you could build a suit to fly you could go from side to side and go up in the air some jet packs only last for 1 minute or two but you could put more fuel in jet packs . you could paint your superhero costume what ever color you like i would paint mine blue and green and red .”)

Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate how jet packs work. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“i wish that jet packs were real you could build a suit to fly you could go from side to side and go up in the air some jet packs only last for 1 minute or two but you could put more fuel in jet packs .”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ I think it would e cool to fly in the sky like superheros .”)

T ransitional devices are inadequately used to help connect ideas. (“ i wish that jet packs were real you could build a suit to fly you could go from side to side and go up in the air some jet packs only last for 1 minute or two but you could put more fuel in jet packs .”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ you could paint your superhero costume what ever color you like i would paint mine blue and green and red .”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short. (“ I think it would e cool to fly in the sky like superheros .”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ i wish that jet packs were real you could build a suit to fly you could go from side to side and go up in the air some jet packs only last for 1 minute or two but you could put more fuel in jet packs .”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“you could paint your superhero costume what ever color you like i would paint mine blue and green and red .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Learning from the Past

What can we learn from the past? How can the nation prevent future discrimination? After reading the articles "A Grave Wrong" and "Faces of Terror?," write an essay that explains what the United States can learn from the aftermath of Pearl Harbor and September 11, 2001. Support your discussion with evidence from each of the articles.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Seventy-three years ago, more than 100,000 Japanese Americans were forced by the American Government to leave their belongings, homes, and lives behind and move to designated areas on federal land in response to discriminatory feelings and suspicion caused by World War Two. From this and other historic discriminatory prejudices, we can learn how to better handle situations that involve discriminated ethnic groups. During World War Two, people of Japanese descent were suspected of being anti-American largely because of the attacks at Pearl Harbor in 1941, and were forced to leave their homes. Another example of unjust discriminatory behavior is the suspecting of innocent Middle Eastern people in airports due to a law Congress passed. Instead of passing laws that antagonize and force specific ethnic groups out of their homes, our government should look to pass legislation that ends discriminatory behavior and feelings all together. Both the exile of the Japanese Americans in 1941 and the unfair treatment towards Middle Eastern people now prove that our nation needs to handle discrimination better.

First, Americans can learn from the way suspected Japanese American U.S. citizens were mistreated during World War Two. Though Japan was an enemy of the United States at the time, few Japanese people in America sided with Japan. In the article “A Grave Wrong,” it states, “ Sixty-two percent of those resettled were American citizens and the rest legal immigrants, and no attempt was made to distinguish between those who were loyal or disloyal.” Innocent Japanese American citizens were forced by legislature to abandon their homes and communities and move to flimsy, small barracks on federal camps in Wyoming and Idaho. Once they settled in the camps, they soon found their new way of life was nowhere near desirable. Japanese Americans were provided extremely scant food portions and very few activities to occupy themselves with. Despite their poor living conditions, no Japanese Americans protested, and most wore attitudes of deference and loyalty to America. The mistreatment of Japanese Americans 73 years ago gives us a great example of what not to do in a similar future circumstance.

Our nation can also look at how Middle Eastern people in America have been discriminated against after the attacks of 9/11 to learn about handling future discrimination cases. Following the attacks at 9/11, many Americans formed uninformed prejudices against people of Middle Eastern descent; while the vast majority of people from the Middle East are not terrorists, they are, in fact, loyal citizens. Laws that were passed to ensure safety on airplanes reflect these feelings. The laws allow TSA officers to search people who merely look suspicious after briefly questioning them. Several innocent Middle Eastern people have been searched at airports as a result of this law. According to the article “Faces of Terror,” “But even as authorities press for more information on passengers, civil-liberties experts warn that some of these measures could lead to violations of privacy and racial profiling.” This acts as yet another example to the American people and their government of a badly handled discrimination case.

In both of these instances, the U.S. Government passed legislation that promoted or dealt with discrimination. Instead, our government must attempt to end the prejudices and discrimination they are presented with in future cases. Forcing a certain ethnic group out of their homes and antagonizing innocent Middle eastern people at airports does nothing to end discrimination. Several decades ago, discriminatory feelings towards African American people essentially ended after the American Government passed appropriate legislation. Our government must follow this example they set for themselves decades ago when faced with any future cases of discrimination.

In brief, Congress can learn from the past by passing more appropriate legislature in the future. The exile of Japanese Americans many years ago and the discriminatory feelings which have risen towards people of Middle Eastern descent just recently both depict how not to handle discrimination cases. Legislation that responds to situations like these must end the discriminatory feelings that are being expressed all together. This can be done by creating laws that serve justice to those who express discriminatory feelings and reflect them in their actions. It is essential that our government learns from their mistakes and passes appropriate legislation the next time they are faced with a discrimination problem.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between the text and the task through a clearly defined controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and effectively completes all parts of the task, leaving the readers with a clear picture of racial discrimination in America’s past.

The writer effectively focuses the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating facts about events in America’s past that relate to the concept of discrimination. (“ Seventy-three years ago, more than 100,000 Japanese Americans were forced by the American Government to leave their belongings, homes, and lives behind and move to designated areas on federal land in response to discriminatory feelings and suspicion caused by World War Two. From this and other historic discriminatory prejudices, we can learn how to better handle situations that involve discriminated ethnic groups. During World War Two, people of Japanese descent were suspected of being anti-American largely because of the attacks at Pearl Harbor in 1941, and were forced to leave their homes. Another example of unjust discriminatory behavior is the suspecting of innocent Middle Eastern people in airports due to a law Congress passed. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Both the exile of the Japanese Americans in 1941 and the unfair treatment towards Middle Eastern people now prove that our nation needs to handle discrimination better. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ In both of these instances, the U.S. Government passed legislation that promoted or dealt with discrimination. Instead, our government must attempt to end the prejudices and discrimination they are presented with in future cases. Forcing a certain ethnic group out of their homes and antagonizing innocent Middle eastern people at airports does nothing to end discrimination. Several decades ago, discriminatory feelings towards African American people essentially ended after the American Government passed appropriate legislation. Our government must follow this example they set for themselves decades ago when faced with any future cases of discrimination. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text. The writer also uses a variety of methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

Details and direct quotes from the text explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“ First, Americans can learn from the way suspected Japanese American U.S. citizens were mistreated during World War Two. Though Japan was an enemy of the United States at the time, few Japanese people in America sided with Japan. In the article ‘A Grave Wrong,’ it states, ‘ Sixty-two percent of those resettled were American citizens and the rest legal immigrants, and no attempt was made to distinguish between those who were loyal or disloyal.’ Innocent Japanese American citizens were forced by legislature to abandon their homes and communities and move to flimsy, small barracks on federal camps in Wyoming and Idaho. Once they settled in the camps, they soon found their new way of life was nowhere near desirable. Japanese Americans were provided extremely scant food portions and very few activities to occupy themselves with. Despite their poor living conditions, no Japanese Americans protested, and most wore attitudes of deference and loyalty to America. The mistreatment of Japanese Americans 73 years ago gives us a great example of what not to do in a similar future circumstance. ”)

Specific information about the treatment of Middle Eastern people in the aftermath of September 11, 2001, is developed very effectively. (“ Our nation can also look at how Middle Eastern people in America have been discriminated against after the attacks of 9/11 to learn about handling future discrimination cases. Following the attacks at 9/11, many Americans formed uninformed prejudices against people of Middle Eastern descent; while the vast majority of people from the Middle East are not terrorists, they are, in fact, loyal citizens. Laws that were passed to ensure safety on airplanes reflect these feelings. The laws allow TSA officers to search people who merely look suspicious after briefly questioning them. Several innocent Middle Eastern people have been searched at airports as a result of this law. According to the article ‘Faces of Terror,’ ‘But even as authorities press for more information on passengers, civil-liberties experts warn that some of these measures could lead to violations of privacy and racial profiling.’ This acts as yet another example to the American people and their government of a badly handled discrimination case. ”)

Relevant points compare the consequences of the two events very effectively. (“ In both of these instances, the U.S. Government passed legislation that promoted or dealt with discrimination. Instead, our government must attempt to end the prejudices and discrimination they are presented with in future cases. Forcing a certain ethnic group out of their homes and antagonizing innocent Middle eastern people at airports does nothing to end discrimination. Several decades ago, discriminatory feelings towards African American people essentially ended after the American Government passed appropriate legislation. Our government must follow this example they set for themselves decades ago when faced with any future cases of discrimination. ”)

Organization

The essay engages the readers in the introduction by very effectively illustrating situations in history that resulted in discriminatory behavior toward ethnic groups. (“ Seventy-three years ago, more than 100,000 Japanese Americans were forced by the American Government to leave their belongings, homes, and lives behind and move to designated areas on federal land in response to discriminatory feelings and suspicion caused by World War Two. From this and other historic discriminatory prejudices, we can learn how to better handle situations that involve discriminated ethnic groups. During World War Two, people of Japanese descent were suspected of being anti-American largely because of the attacks at Pearl Harbor in 1941, and were forced to leave their homes. Another example of unjust discriminatory behavior is the suspecting of innocent Middle Eastern people in airports due to a law Congress passed. Instead of passing laws that antagonize and force specific ethnic groups out of their homes, our government should look to pass legislation that ends discriminatory behavior and feelings all together. Both the exile of the Japanese Americans in 1941 and the unfair treatment towards Middle Eastern people now prove that our nation needs to handle discrimination better.”)

Transition words and phrases are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ In both of these instances, the U.S. Government passed legislation that promoted or dealt with discrimination. Instead, our government must attempt to end the prejudices and discrimination they are presented with in future cases. Forcing a certain ethnic group out of their homes and antagonizing innocent Middle eastern people at airports does nothing to end discrimination. Several decades ago, discriminatory feelings towards African American people essentially ended after the American Government passed appropriate legislation. Our government must follow this example they set for themselves decades ago when faced with any future cases of discrimination. ”)

The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In brief, Congress can learn from the past by passing more appropriate legislature in the future. The exile of Japanese Americans many years ago and the discriminatory feelings which have risen towards people of Middle Eastern descent just recently both depict how not to handle discrimination cases. Legislation that responds to situations like these must end the discriminatory feelings that are being expressed all together. This can be done by creating laws that serve justice to those who express discriminatory feelings and reflect them in their actions. It is essential that our government learns from their mistakes and passes appropriate legislation the next time they are faced with a discrimination problem. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses powerful and descriptive words to effectively illustrate past injustices aimed at minority groups. (“ Another example of unjust discriminatory behavior is the suspecting of innocent Middle Eastern people in airports due to a law Congress passed. Instead of passing laws that antagonize and force specific ethnic groups out of their homes, our government should look to pass legislation that ends discriminatory behavior and feelings all together. Both the exile of the Japanese Americans in 1941 and the unfair treatment towards Middle Eastern people now prove that our nation needs to handle discrimination better. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ Our nation can also look at how Middle Eastern people in America have been discriminated against after the attacks of 9/11 to learn about handling future discrimination cases. Following the attacks at 9/11, many Americans formed uninformed prejudices against people of Middle Eastern descent; while the vast majority of people from the Middle East are not terrorists, they are, in fact, loyal citizens. Laws that were passed to ensure safety on airplanes reflect these feelings. The laws allow TSA officers to search people who merely look suspicious after briefly questioning them. Several innocent Middle Eastern people have been searched at airports as a result of this law. According to the article ‘Faces of Terror,’ ‘But even as authorities press for more information on passengers, civil-liberties experts warn that some of these measures could lead to violations of privacy and racial profiling.’ This acts as yet another example to the American people and their government of a badly handled discrimination case. ”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ In both of these instances, the U.S. Government passed legislation that promoted or dealt with discrimination. Instead, our government must attempt to end the prejudices and discrimination they are presented with in future cases. Forcing a certain ethnic group out of their homes and antagonizing innocent Middle eastern people at airports does nothing to end discrimination. Several decades ago, discriminatory feelings towards African American people essentially ended after the American Government passed appropriate legislation. Our government must follow this example they set for themselves decades ago when faced with any future cases of discrimination. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Following the attacks at 9/11, many Americans formed uninformed prejudices against people of Middle Eastern descent; while the vast majority of people from the Middle East are not terrorists, they are, in fact, loyal citizens. Laws that were passed to ensure safety on airplanes reflect these feelings. The laws allow TSA officers to search people who merely look suspicious after briefly questioning them. Several innocent Middle Eastern people have been searched at airports as a result of this law. According to the article ‘Faces of Terror,’ ‘But even as authorities press for more information on passengers, civil-liberties experts warn that some of these measures could lead to violations of privacy and racial profiling.’ ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever looked at someone or treated him or her different just because they didn't look like you? After the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the attack on the twin towers, people who came from the Japanese, or Middle Eastern heritage have been treated more differently than the rest of the population in the United States. After Pearl, Harbor there were tens of thousands Japanese-Americans who were forced to leave their homes and go and live in camps surrounded by barbed wire fences, only because the way they looked. This act of division happened again after the attack on the twin towers was made. Anyone who was from the Middle East, or came from a family there, was treated like a terrorist. In this passage I am going to show your examples of this and what are several different ways that we should be able to prevent this discrimination from happening again.

After the bombing of Pearl Harbor people who had Japanese ancestors were treated disrespectfully and differently. In the article "A Grave Wrong" it tells about all the near a hundred thousand Japanese-Americans had to take as much clothing and other belongings as they could carry, and resettle in camps that the United States had set up for them because we felt that they couldn't be trusted. Barbed wire fences surrounded these camps. The only living spaces they had were “flimsy barracks with cots and communal latrines in desolate, wind-whipped outposts.” They didn't suffer through all this because of crimes they had committed or had been accused of, but because of their ethnic background. Not only did this happen upon the Japanese after the bombs their race had dropped but again after when people from the Middle East had driven airplanes into the World Trade Center buildings.

When the Twin Towers were hit, there was lots of commotion going around and lots of people felt that anyone who was from the Middle East was a terrorist or was planning on attacking the United States in some way, not as crazy as the Pearl Harbor incident, but as impacting. After September 11, 2001, security in airports grew much stricter. This caused them to try some new tactics of defense such as SPOT-Screening Passengers by Observation Technique. This new program taught the police officers, and airport security guards to look at the expressions on people's faces as they walked by. If someone looked scared, sneaky, or upset they would pull that person aside and ask him or her a few simple questions. These questions consisted of, "How was your trip," "What was your favorite site you saw?" These questions would help decide if the person was planning an act of terror or if they were just having a bad day.

There are many different ways' these examples can show us how we need to improve our actions and the way we treat people. Not only does it show the things we need to improve but also ways we could make the improvement happen. One way we could make changes in our behavior is by being a lot less judgmental. Another easy way to make our action better is by following up on the idea of SPOT, and coming up with ways we could improve it and making it a better, better known system. If we could do this there would likely be a lot less wars, grudges, and hate rid towards each other and humans would all be able to live together in peace and harmony.

The people in the examples above are being very unfairly treated, and judged, and still to this day, we have issues with automatically assuming, or thinking something about someone just because the color of their skin is a little different from ours, or they don't have the same race or ethnic background as we do. So, if you ever catch yourself thinking critically, or doing something the people in the examples above have done, take a step back and put your self in their shoes. You probably wouldn't like being treated the same way you're treating them. Why would you think it was expectable for you to do it then? Think about if they really should be judged the way you are judging them, or treated different just because they look like they are from a different race than you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between the text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.

The essay focuses the readers’ attention in the beginning by introducing the concept of discrimination. The writer also provides a glimpse of the events that he/she uses to support the thesis. (“ Have you ever looked at someone or treated him or her different just because they didn't look like you? After the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the attack on the twin towers, people who came from the Japanese, or Middle Eastern heritage have been treated more differently than the rest of the population in the United States. After Pearl, Harbor there were tens of thousands Japanese-Americans who were forced to leave their homes and go and live in camps surrounded by barbed wire fences, only because the way they looked. This act of division happened again after the attack on the twin towers was made. Anyone who was from the Middle East, or came from a family there, was treated like a terrorist. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ In this passage I am going to show your examples of this and what are several different ways that we should be able to prevent this discrimination from happening again… There are many different ways' these examples can show us how we need to improve our actions and the way we treat people. Not only does it show the things we need to improve but also ways we could make the improvement happen. One way we could make changes in our behavior is by being a lot less judgmental. Another easy way to make our action better is by following up on the idea of SPOT, and coming up with ways we could improve it and making it a better, better known system. If we could do this there would likely be a lot less wars, grudges, and hate rid towards each other and humans would all be able to live together in peace and harmony. ”)

Specific information from the text is used to effectively maintain the focus of the thesis statement. (“ After the bombing of Pearl Harbor people who had Japanese ancestors were treated disrespectfully and differently. In the article ‘A Grave Wrong’ it tells about all the near a hundred thousand Japanese-Americans had to take as much clothing and other belongings as they could carry, and resettle in camps that the United States had set up for them because we felt that they couldn't be trusted. Barbed wire fences surrounded these camps. The only living spaces they had were ‘flimsy barracks with cots and communal latrines in desolate, wind-whipped outposts.’ They didn't suffer through all this because of crimes they had committed or had been accused of, but because of their ethnic background. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses more than one method to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly. The writer effectively completes most parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of how Japanese and Middle Eastern people have suffered from discrimination in this country.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“ When the Twin Towers were hit, there was lots of commotion going around and lots of people felt that anyone who was from the Middle East was a terrorist or was planning on attacking the United States in some way, not as crazy as the Pearl Harbor incident, but as impacting. After September 11, 2001, security in airports grew much stricter. This caused them to try some new tactics of defense such as SPOT-Screening Passengers by Observation Technique. This new program taught the police officers, and airport security guards to look at the expressions on people's faces as they walked by. If someone looked scared, sneaky, or upset they would pull that person aside and ask him or her a few simple questions. These questions consisted of, ‘How was your trip,’ ‘What was your favorite site you saw?’ These questions would help decide if the person was planning an act of terror or if they were just having a bad day. ”)

The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“ After the bombing of Pearl Harbor people who had Japanese ancestors were treated disrespectfully and differently. In the article ‘A Grave Wrong’ it tells about all the near a hundred thousand Japanese-Americans had to take as much clothing and other belongings as they could carry, and resettle in camps that the United States had set up for them because we felt that they couldn't be trusted. Barbed wire fences surrounded these camps. The only living spaces they had were ‘flimsy barracks with cots and communal latrines in desolate, wind-whipped outposts.’ They didn't suffer through all this because of crimes they had committed or had been accused of, but because of their ethnic background.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“There are many different ways' these examples can show us how we need to improve our actions and the way we treat people. Not only does it show the things we need to improve but also ways we could make the improvement happen. One way we could make changes in our behavior is by being a lot less judgmental. Another easy way to make our action better is by following up on the idea of SPOT, and coming up with ways we could improve it and making it a better, better known system. If we could do this there would likely be a lot less wars, grudges, and hate rid towards each other and humans would all be able to live together in peace and harmony.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Have you ever looked at someone or treated him or her different just because they didn't look like you? After the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the attack on the twin towers, people who came from the Japanese, or Middle Eastern heritage have been treated more differently than the rest of the population in the United States. After Pearl, Harbor there were tens of thousands Japanese-Americans who were forced to leave their homes and go and live in camps surrounded by barbed wire fences, only because the way they looked. This act of division happened again after the attack on the twin towers was made. Anyone who was from the Middle East, or came from a family there, was treated like a terrorist. In this passage I am going to show your examples of this and what are several different ways that we should be able to prevent this discrimination from happening again. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. The writer uses a transition sentence at the end of the paragraph that leads into the topic sentence of the following paragraph. (“ After the bombing of Pearl Harbor people who had Japanese ancestors were treated disrespectfully and differently. In the article ‘A Grave Wrong’ it tells about all the near a hundred thousand Japanese-Americans had to take as much clothing and other belongings as they could carry, and resettle in camps that the United States had set up for them because we felt that they couldn't be trusted. Barbed wire fences surrounded these camps. The only living spaces they had were ‘flimsy barracks with cots and communal latrines in desolate, wind-whipped outposts.’ They didn't suffer through all this because of crimes they had committed or had been accused of, but because of their ethnic background. Not only did this happen upon the Japanese after the bombs their race had dropped but again after when people from the Middle East had driven airplanes into the World Trade Center buildings. ”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ The people in the examples above are being very unfairly treated, and judged, and still to this day, we have issues with automatically assuming, or thinking something about someone just because the color of their skin is a little different from ours, or they don't have the same race or ethnic background as we do. So, if you ever catch yourself thinking critically, or doing something the people in the examples above have done, take a step back and put your self in their shoes. You probably wouldn't like being treated the same way you're treating them. Why would you think it was expectable for you to do it then? Think about if they really should be judged the way you are judging them, or treated different just because they look like they are from a different race than you. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs good word choice to describe the negative actions and attitudes directed toward people of Japanese and Middle Eastern descent. (“ Have you ever looked at someone or treated him or her different just because they didn't look like you? After the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the attack on the twin towers, people who came from the Japanese, or Middle Eastern heritage have been treated more differently than the rest of the population in the United States. After Pearl, Harbor there were tens of thousands Japanese-Americans who were forced to leave their homes and go and live in camps surrounded by barbed wire fences, only because the way they looked. This act of division happened again after the attack on the twin towers was made. Anyone who was from the Middle East, or came from a family there, was treated like a terrorist. ”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“ After September 11, 2001, security in airports grew much stricter. This caused them to try some new tactics of defense such as SPOT-Screening Passengers by Observation Technique. This new program taught the police officers, and airport security guards to look at the expressions on people's faces as they walked by. If someone looked scared, sneaky, or upset they would pull that person aside and ask him or her a few simple questions. These questions consisted of, ‘How was your trip,’ ‘What was your favorite site you saw?’ These questions would help decide if the person was planning an act of terror or if they were just having a bad day. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ There are many different ways' these examples can show us how we need to improve our actions and the way we treat people. Not only does it show the things we need to improve but also ways we could make the improvement happen. One way we could make changes in our behavior is by being a lot less judgmental. Another easy way to make our action better is by following up on the idea of SPOT, and coming up with ways we could improve it and making it a better, better known system. If we could do this there would likely be a lot less wars, grudges, and hate rid towards each other and humans would all be able to live together in peace and harmony. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ So, if you ever catch yourself thinking critically, or doing something the people in the examples above have done, take a step back and put your self in their shoes. You probably wouldn't like being treated the same way you're treating them. Why would you think it was expectable for you to do it then?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

America is a place of freedom, choices, and rights. How would you feel if you got all of these taken away just because you're different and because your home country did something bad that effected the world. This is what happened to many Japanese Americans and Japanese during World War II and a Muslims after the twin towers went down on september 11, 2001. Many people thing they are a disgrace to America because of their skin color. People shouldn't discriminate others because of race or what happened in the past because the past is the past not the future or the present.

On December 7, 1941 during World War II Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Two days later America declared war on Japan and we imprisoned all Japanese and Japanese Americans in camps because we didn't want any spies and people contacting the Japanese. During the war people were judging them because of what they did and they did after the war even though they had no idea that they were going to attack the country. A similar thing happened many years later. On September 11, 2001, thousands of people were on 4 planes some going back to families some coming home from a trip and some on vacation. The 4 planes crashed into both of the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and a field. The towers fell down hours later and many people died. After 9/11 they made security in airports stricter and we went in to war with Afghanistan and Iraq and they still go on today. Many Muslims have been asked to leave America. Its been ten 11 years since the attack and we still have people being deported back to their countries.

During these two different time periods we had a lot of similarities and differences like Pearl Harbor was attacked by Japanese and the Twin towers were attacked by Al Qaeda a terrorist organization ran by Osama Bin Laden. In World War II some war equipment was destroyed on 9/11 three buildings were destroyed. People during World War II they were treated like pets because the Japanese were put behind fences and bars as for muslims were told to return to their countries and to never come back.

I think that what we did in these two time periods was wrong because America is the land of freedom and rights. Just because people look different and the country they came from did something that tore the whole world apart it doesn't mean that they did something wrong. Its like judging others because they don't believe in the same religion as you or because you like something that they don't like. I know how it feels im labeled as different all the time and it can be a good thing but just because i'm different it means that I have the rights to be in a group of people. We are all humans we are different in some perspectives but we are the same.

In conclusion these points in history are important because we are at war with countries and we need to knowwhat is going on in those countries. Everyone needs to be treated the same. We can stand up for those who are put down and not judge others because we do it all the time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“ People shouldn't discriminate others because of race or what happened in the past because the past is the past not the future or the present. ”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about how the events of Pearl Harbor and September 11, 2001, resulted in racial prejudice . (“ America is a place of freedom, choices, and rights. How would you feel if you got all of these taken away just because you're different and because your home country did something bad that effected the world. This is what happened to many Japanese Americans and Japanese during World War II and a Muslims after the twin towers went down on september 11, 2001. ”)

The writer makes connections between specific information from the passages and his/her ideas. (“ During these two different time periods we had a lot of similarities and differences like Pearl Harbor was attacked by Japanese and the Twin towers were attacked by Al Qaeda a terrorist organization ran by Osama Bin Laden. In World War II some war equipment was destroyed on 9/11 three buildings were destroyed. People during World War II they were treated like pets because the Japanese were put behind fences and bars as for muslims were told to return to their countries and to never come back. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“ On December 7, 1941 during World War II Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Two days later America declared war on Japan and we imprisoned all Japanese and Japanese Americans in camps because we didn't want any spies and people contacting the Japanese. During the war people were judging them because of what they did and they did after the war even though they had no idea that they were going to attack the country. A similar thing happened many years later. ”)

The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the text. (“ On September 11, 2001, thousands of people were on 4 planes some going back to families some coming home from a trip and some on vacation. The 4 planes crashed into both of the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and a field. The towers fell down hours later and many people died. After 9/11 they made security in airports stricter and we went in to war with Afghanistan and Iraq and they still go on today. Many Muslims have been asked to leave America. Its been ten 11 years since the attack and we still have people being deported back to their countries. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the races and religions mentioned in the text. (“ I think that what we did in these two time periods was wrong because America is the land of freedom and rights. Just because people look different and the country they came from did something that tore the whole world apart it doesn't mean that they did something wrong. Its like judging others because they don't believe in the same religion as you or because you like something that they don't like. I know how it feels im labeled as different all the time and it can be a good thing but just because i'm different it means that I have the rights to be in a group of people. We are all humans we are different in some perspectives but we are the same. ”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by presenting a statement about America’s principles of liberty and freedom. The writer then engages the readers by pointing out that these principles were compromised for some groups in the past. (“ America is a place of freedom, choices, and rights. How would you feel if you got all of these taken away just because you're different and because your home country did something bad that effected the world. This is what happened to many Japanese Americans and Japanese during World War II and a Muslims after the twin towers went down on september 11, 2001. Many people thing they are a disgrace to America because of their skin color. People shouldn't discriminate others because of race or what happened in the past because the past is the past not the future or the present. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way. (“ During these two different time periods we had a lot of similarities and differences like Pearl Harbor was attacked by Japanese and the Twin towers were attacked by Al Qaeda a terrorist organization ran by Osama Bin Laden. In World War II some war equipment was destroyed on 9/11 three buildings were destroyed. People during World War II they were treated like pets because the Japanese were put behind fences and bars as for muslims were told to return to their countries and to never come back. ”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion these points in history are important because we are at war with countries and we need to knowwhat is going on in those countries. Everyone needs to be treated the same. We can stand up for those who are put down and not judge others because we do it all the time. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ On September 11, 2001, thousands of people were on 4 planes some going back to families some coming home from a trip and some on vacation. The 4 planes crashed into both of the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and a field. The towers fell down hours later and many people died. After 9/11 they made security in airports stricter and we went in to war with Afghanistan and Iraq and they still go on today. Many Muslims have been asked to leave America. Its been ten 11 years since the attack and we still have people being deported back to their countries. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the background for the Japanese internment during World War II. (“ On December 7, 1941 during World War II Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Two days later America declared war on Japan and we imprisoned all Japanese and Japanese Americans in camps because we didn't want any spies and people contacting the Japanese. During the war people were judging them because of what they did and they did after the war even though they had no idea that they were going to attack the country. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ I think that what we did in these two time periods was wrong because America is the land of freedom and rights. Just because people look different and the country they came from did something that tore the whole world apart it doesn't mean that they did something wrong. Its like judging others because they don't believe in the same religion as you or because you like something that they don't like. I know how it feels im labeled as different all the time and it can be a good thing but just because i'm different it means that I have the rights to be in a group of people. We are all humans we are different in some perspectives but we are the same. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ How would you feel if you got all of these taken away just because you're different and because your home country did something bad that effected the world. This is what happened to many Japanese Americans and Japanese during World War II and a Muslims after the twin towers went down on september 11, 2001. Many people thing they are a disgrace to America because of their skin color. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Preventing Future Discrimination

In 1942 J/A( Japanese-American) were forced to abandon their homes and businesses and move to guarded camps surrounded by barbed wire. This is one of the many things that Americans did because they felt threaten by one kind of race. They also came up with a treatment of the people from the Middle Eastern descent after the 9/11( September 11, 2001). I the following 4 paragraphs essay I will talk about what and how that American people discriminated the other races just because we fight threaten by this one kind of race.

Americans forced J/A to leave their homes and their businesses. J/A were forced to move to guarded camps surrounded by barbed wire. J/A were sent to relocation centers. J/A lost all their money. J/A had a hard time, some of them even tried to commit suicide. J/A were accused of being spies. The American people really hated the J/A for what their ancestors did.

American's airline services, is trying to catch terrorists by looking at the travelers' faces. First, everyone is a suspected. Second, officers observe for facial-expressions. Finally U.S. is scaring of travelers because they don't want to get search just because of their facial-expression. this is not the best way to fine out if someone is a terrorist or not.

Their are many similarities about both of these acts. First, both are events that are faced at defiantly/same. Both cause war. Both blame some kind of race. Both re-write history and change the future.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. The writer should improve the focus of the controlling idea/thesis statement by referencing the text information more effectively. (“I the following 4 paragraphs essay I will talk about what and how that American people discriminated the other races just because we fight threaten by this one kind of race. ”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on specific tragedies, but the description is limited at best and vaguely connects the events to the lessons learned from them. (“In 1942 J/A( Japanese-American) were forced to abandon their homes and businesses and move to guarded camps surrounded by barbed wire. This is one of the many things that Americans did because they felt threaten by one kind of race. They also came up with a treatment of the people from the Middle Eastern descent after the 9/11( September 11, 2001). ”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the text to illustrate how Middle Easterners were racially profiled after the September 11, 2001, tragedy. (“ American's airline services, is trying to catch terrorists by looking at the travelers' faces. First, everyone is a suspected. Second, officers observe for facial-expressions. Finally U.S. is scaring of travelers because they don't want to get search just because of their facial-expression. this is not the best way to fine out if someone is a terrorist or not. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Americans forced J/A to leave their homes and their businesses. J/A were forced to move to guarded camps surrounded by barbed wire. J/A were sent to relocation centers. J/A lost all their money. J/A had a hard time, some of them even tried to commit suicide. J/A were accused of being spies. The American people really hated the J/A for what their ancestors did. ”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“ American's airline services, is trying to catch terrorists by looking at the travelers' faces. First, everyone is a suspected. Second, officers observe for facial-expressions. Finally U.S. is scaring of travelers because they don't want to get search just because of their facial-expression. this is not the best way to fine out if someone is a terrorist or not. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should connect ideas clearly to support the writer’s ideas. (“ Their are many similarities about both of these acts. First, both are events that are faced at defiantly/same. Both cause war. Both blame some kind of race. Both re-write history and change the future. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. (“ In 1942 J/A( Japanese-American) were forced to abandon their homes and businesses and move to guarded camps surrounded by barbed wire. This is one of the many things that Americans did because they felt threaten by one kind of race. They also came up with a treatment of the people from the Middle Eastern descent after the 9/11( September 11, 2001). I the following 4 paragraphs essay I will talk about what and how that American people discriminated the other races just because we fight threaten by this one kind of race. ”)

Although the writer uses some transitions between sentences, strong transitions between paragraphs are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ American's airline services, is trying to catch terrorists by looking at the travelers' faces. First, everyone is a suspected. Second, officers observe for facial-expressions. Finally U.S. is scaring of travelers because they don't want to get search just because of their facial-expression. ”)

The writer does not provide a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ Their are many similarities about both of these acts. First, both are events that are faced at defiantly/same. Both cause war. Both blame some kind of race. Both re-write history and change the future. ”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, which affects the writer’s intended meaning. (“ They also came up with a treatment of the people from the Middle Eastern descent after the 9/11( September 11, 2001). I the following 4 paragraphs essay I will talk about what and how that American people discriminated the other races just because we fight threaten by this one kind of race. ”)

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. (“ Americans forced J/A to leave their homes and their businesses. J/A were forced to move to guarded camps surrounded by barbed wire. J/A were sent to relocation centers. J/A lost all their money. J/A had a hard time, some of them even tried to commit suicide. J/A were accused of being spies. The American people really hated the J/A for what their ancestors did. ”)

The sentences are repetitious, and the word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ Their are many similarities about both of these acts. First, both are events that are faced at defiantly/same. Both cause war. Both blame some kind of race. Both re-write history and change the future. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, and each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. The writer should also make sure new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, words are spelled correctly, and words are used properly within the context of sentences. (“ Finally U.S. is scaring of travelers because they don't want to get search just because of their facial-expression. this is not the best way to fine out if someone is a terrorist or not. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The United States can learn from world war two and September 11, 2001. World war two was bad It had hurt the United States. Japanese Americans were treated horrible. They were put in constriction camps. Us Americans were scared of them, we thought that maybe some of them were spies for the Japanese. We did not know which of them were so we put all of them in a camp Because of that some of them went back to china, or they killed them self, or just went along with the group.

All together it is not a good thing with the world war two and September 11 2001 in my option. It hurt a lot of people and it killed a lot of people to. It hurt America how we treated the Japanese Americans. But then the September 11 2001 it hurt but it brought us together that is good when we are together.

Also September 11, 2001 hurt Americans. It had kill a lot of good people that were in the plain and in the twin towers. That was a real sad day for all of us. I had brought USA close together People were nice to each other and it was peaceful. But now if you want to get on a plane you have to go through so much security to get on a plane know, so that won't happen again. And to protect people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“ The United States can learn from world war two and September 11, 2001.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific lessons that Americans should learn from these conflicts. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of how discrimination was the result in both tragic scenarios.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references sufficiently enough to give the readers a true sense of why U.S. war-time actions were questionable. More details from the text are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“World war two was bad It had hurt the United States. Japanese Americans were treated horrible. They were put in constriction camps. Us Americans were scared of them, we thought that maybe some of them were spies for the Japanese. We did not know which of them were so we put all of them in a camp Because of that some of them went back to china, or they killed them self, or just went along with the group.”)

The writer fails to maintain the essay’s focus on the racial discrimination that occurred in each historical event. (“All together it is not a good thing with the world war two and September 11 2001 in my option. It hurt a lot of people and it killed a lot of people to. It hurt America how we treated the Japanese Americans. But then the September 11 2001 it hurt but it brought us together that is good when we are together.”)

Content & Development

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give the readers a clear picture of the specific lessons that Americans should have learned from the internment of the Japanese. (“World war two was bad It had hurt the United States. Japanese Americans were treated horrible. They were put in constriction camps. Us Americans were scared of them, we thought that maybe some of them were spies for the Japanese. We did not know which of them were so we put all of them in a camp Because of that some of them went back to china, or they killed them self, or just went along with the group.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“All together it is not a good thing with the world war two and September 11 2001 in my option. It hurt a lot of people and it killed a lot of people to. It hurt America how we treated the Japanese Americans. But then the September 11 2001 it hurt but it brought us together that is good when we are together.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“ Also September 11, 2001 hurt Americans. It had kill a lot of good people that were in the plain and in the twin towers. That was a real sad day for all of us. I had brought USA close together People were nice to each other and it was peaceful. But now if you want to get on a plane you have to go through so much security to get on a plane know, so that won't happen again. And to protect people.”)

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The United States can learn from world war two and September 11, 2001. World war two was bad It had hurt the United States. Japanese Americans were treated horrible. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas in a meaningful way. The writer uses “all together” to begin a body paragraph when this transition would typically indicate the ending of the essay. (“ All together it is not a good thing with the world war two and September 11 2001 in my option. It hurt a lot of people and it killed a lot of people to. It hurt America how we treated the Japanese Americans. But then the September 11 2001 it hurt but it brought us together that is good when we are together. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ But now if you want to get on a plane you have to go through so much security to get on a plane know, so that won't happen again. And to protect people. ”)

Language Use & Style

The minimal structure of many sentences impedes effective communication of ideas. (“ World war two was bad It had hurt the United States. Japanese Americans were treated horrible. They were put in constriction camps. Us Americans were scared of them, we thought that maybe some of them were spies for the Japanese. We did not know which of them were so we put all of them in a camp Because of that some of them went back to china, or they killed them self, or just went along with the group.”)

There is repetition in the essay. (“ It hurt a lot of people and it killed a lot of people to. It hurt America how we treated the Japanese Americans. But then the September 11 2001 it hurt but it brought us together that is good when we are together.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. (“ It had kill a lot of good people that were in the plain and in the twin towers. That was a real sad day for all of us. I had brought USA close together People were nice to each other and it was peaceful. But now if you want to get on a plane you have to go through so much security to get on a plane know, so that won't happen again. And to protect people. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“World war two was bad It had hurt the United States. Japanese Americans were treated horrible. They were put in constriction camps. Us Americans were scared of them, we thought that maybe some of them were spies for the Japanese.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What I can learn from the past about discriminate is that while people where fight in the war there were a lot of other people dying from getting shot and what I can learn from the past is that is if we treat people respectful and treat them with kindness and don't judge them. but how they look then a lot of people would not want to stay a war, but if we keep on just being rude to people cause of there religion or there color or even how they look. Some people get really angry about that and then that's what starts people to do what they do like make bombs and fight with us, so what I learn from the past is that just being rude and judging someone for being different to somebody else will make them want to do bad stuff to you and how that could change my future is if I get to really know.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a central/controlling idea, but it does not develop the idea adequately through examples and descriptive details from the text. (“ What I can learn from the past about discriminate is that while people where fight in the war there were a lot of other people dying from getting shot and what I can learn from the past is that is if we treat people respectful and treat them with kindness and don't judge them.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from the text to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ but how they look then a lot of people would not want to stay a war, but if we keep on just being rude to people cause of there religion or there color or even how they look.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“Some people get really angry about that and then that's what starts people to do what they do like make bombs and fight with us, so what I learn from the past is that just being rude and judging someone for being different to somebody else will make them want to do bad stuff to you and how that could change my future is if I get to really know.”)

Content & Development

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“but how they look then a lot of people would not want to stay a war, but if we keep on just being rude to people cause of there religion or there color or even how they look.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“What I can learn from the past about discriminate is that while people where fight in the war there were a lot of other people dying from getting shot and what I can learn from the past is that is if we treat people respectful and treat them with kindness and don't judge them. but how they look then a lot of people would not want to stay a war, but if we keep on just being rude to people cause of there religion or there color or even how they look. Some people get really angry about that and then that's what starts people to do what they do like make bombs and fight with us, so what I learn from the past is that just being rude and judging someone for being different to somebody else will make them want to do bad stuff to you and how that could change my future is if I get to really know.”)

Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“Some people get really angry about that and then that's what starts people to do what they do like make bombs and fight with us, so what I learn from the past is that just being rude and judging someone for being different to somebody else will make them want to do bad stuff to you and how that could change my future is if I get to really know.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ What I can learn from the past about discriminate is that while people where fight in the war there were a lot of other people dying from getting shot and what I can learn from the past is that is if we treat people respectful and treat them with kindness and don't judge them.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ but how they look then a lot of people would not want to stay a war, but if we keep on just being rude to people cause of there religion or there color or even how they look.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Some people get really angry about that and then that's what starts people to do what they do like make bombs and fight with us, so what I learn from the past is that just being rude and judging someone for being different to somebody else will make them want to do bad stuff to you and how that could change my future is if I get to really know.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are long and contain fragments. (“ What I can learn from the past about discriminate is that while people where fight in the war there were a lot of other people dying from getting shot and what I can learn from the past is that is if we treat people respectful and treat them with kindness and don't judge them.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ but how they look then a lot of people would not want to stay a war, but if we keep on just being rude to people cause of there religion or there color or even how they look.”)

The writer relies on simple word choices. (“Some people get really angry about that and then that's what starts people to do what they do like make bombs and fight with us, so what I learn from the past is that just being rude and judging someone for being different to somebody else will make them want to do bad stuff to you and how that could change my future is if I get to really know.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“What I can learn from the past about discriminate is that while people where fight in the war there were a lot of other people dying from getting shot and what I can learn from the past is that is if we treat people respectful and treat them with kindness and don't judge them. but how they look then a lot of people would not want to stay a war, but if we keep on just being rude to people cause of there religion or there color or even how they look.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Persephone and the Four Seasons

Different cultures have different explanations for the four seasons, which are frequently included in their folklore and literature. For example, the play Persephone explains why we have the seasons of spring and winter.

After reading an article on the reason for seasons and the play Persephone , write a multi-paragraph informational essay discussing why we have our four seasons. Include information from both texts to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Reasons For The Seasons

Almost every living thing depends on the seasons. Organisms thrive in the warmer months, and usually shrivel up and stop in the colder ones. During autumn and winter, people wear more and warmer clothing, while in spring and summer, they wear less and cooler clothing. Even the sports we play differ when the seasons change, like soccer in the summer and hockey in the winter. Why do we have the seasons? How do the seasons work? What created the seasons? Those are questions I often ask myself.

Well, Earth's position really makes up the seasons. Many people have misconceptions about the seasons. For example, a lot of people believe that seasons happen at the same time everywhere on Earth. That is not true because when we have winter in the Northern Hemisphere, it is summer in the Southern Hemisphere. Another popular misconception is that the sun is pretty far off center with the Earth's orbit, making the distance between Earth and the sun vary even more with the time of year. That one is also false because the sun is actually pretty centered with Earth's orbit. People also say that Earth is closer to the sun during summer and farther away during winter. That is not the case because seasons depend on the Earth's angle. Also, a lot of people think that seasonal characteristics are the same everywhere on Earth. Here is an example of why this is not true. In some places, like Utah, it snows a great deal during winter. Other places, like Mexico, get little or no snowfall during winter. Let me explain how seasons really work.

The tilt of the Earth makes the sun’s rays hit directly or indirectly. In winter in the Northern Hemisphere, the sun's energy hits the Southern Hemisphere and the energy travels less directly to the north. In spring, the Vernal Equinox starts the season. The vernal equinox is the first time in the year that the day and night is the same length. In summer, the hemisphere that the energy is most directly traveling to is the hemisphere experiencing it. In fall or autumn, the Autumnal equinox happens, and the days and nights are the same length for the second time in the year.

The Earth's location is another part of creating the seasons. When the Earth is at one side of its rotation, the Earth's tilt is facing another way, making each season differ from one another. Winter in the Northern Hemisphere is summer in the Southern. Fall in the North is spring in the South. Summer in the North is winter in the South. Whatever season is happening in the South, the opposite season is happening in the North, or vice-versa. Imagine it being 80 degrees on Christmas! Or, imagine going sledding on the Fourth of July! That is how it is in Australia. But that is normal to Australians.

The tilt of the Earth is the last factor in creating the seasons. Without the tilt, it would always be one season. The Earth's axis is tilted at about 23.12 degrees from the vertical. Thus, in June, the Northern Hemisphere is tipped slightly towards the sun, and the Southern Hemisphere is tipped slightly away from the sun. When the Northern Hemisphere is tilted towards the sun, the sun appears to trace a high pattern across the sky. Its rays are then more nearly direct and hence more intense than slanting rays.

Before the calendar and new discoveries, people looked to the sky for signs that a new season was approaching. For example, the bright star Regulus climbing in the eastern horizon signals that spring is approaching in the Northern Hemisphere. Ancient peoples had different beliefs for why the seasons existed.

The ancient Greeks thought the seasons were because of a dispute between the gods. Persephone was a beautiful young lady. Her mom loved and adored her so much that she bragged about her beauty and genuine smile. One day, the big bell rang and her mother, Demeter, had to leave immediately. Demeter told Persephone to stay at their house until she got back. Persephone promised she would, even though she was terribly hungry for her favorite food, a pomegranate. Soon after her mother left, a moth from the underworld came to Persephone. The moth told her he knew where a pomegranate tree was nearby. He told her to follow him to the tree. Knowing what her mother said, she agreed to follow him, as long as she was back soon. He took her very far to the underworld. When she was gone the Earth was cold and icy. He had tricked her, to become Hades' princess. She was trapped in the underworld. She was very hungry now and desperately wanted something to eat. Hades brought out her favorite food, a pomegranate, for her to eat. She knew Hades was trouble but she was very hungry. She ate only three little seeds.

By then, her mother was very worried. She cried out to Zeus, and begged him to help her. He sent a messenger down to the underworld to retrieve her. As long as she didn't eat, she could be saved. Unfortunately, she ate three little seeds. Her mother said that that was not fair, they were so small. So they worked out an agreement. Because she only ate three seeds, she would have to stay with Hades for three months a year. "Those three months will be cold and icy," her mother said. The ancient Greeks believed that is why we have winter.

That is the reason for the seasons and what people used to believe. Now you know why we have seasons. Without the seasons, farmer's crops would fail and life as we know it would no longer continue. Virtually every living thing is affected by the seasons, and now we know why!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the text(s), the purpose of the task, and the audience. He/she also makes insightful connections between text(s) and task through a controlling or central idea . The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves readers with a clear picture of historical perspectives regarding explanations for the cycle of seasons.

In the introduction, the essay focuses the readers’ attention on the controlling idea. The writer describes typical seasonal behaviors and then questions the reasons for those changes throughout the course of a year. (“ Almost every living thing depends on the seasons. Organisms thrive in the warmer months, and usually shrivel up and stop in the colder ones. During autumn and winter, people wear more and warmer clothing, while in spring and summer, they wear less and cooler clothing. Even the sports we play differ when the seasons change, like soccer in the summer and hockey in the winter. Why do we have the seasons? How do the seasons work? What created the seasons? Those are questions I often ask myself. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Why do we have the seasons? How do the seasons work? What created the seasons? ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ The Earth's location is another part of creating the seasons. When the Earth is at one side of its rotation, the Earth's tilt is facing another way, making each season differ from one another. Winter in the Northern Hemisphere is summer in the Southern. Fall in the North is spring in the South. Summer in the North is winter in the South. Whatever season is happening in the South, the opposite season is happening in the North, or vice-versa. Imagine it being 80 degrees on Christmas! Or, imagine going sledding on the Fourth of July! That is how it is in Australia. But that is normal to Australians. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a variety of text references that provide specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the controlling or central idea .

Relevant points from the text(s) very effectively explain and illustrate misconceptions about the causes of seasonal change. The writer states common beliefs in order to dispel them with accurate information from his/her research. (“ Well, Earth's position really makes up the seasons. Many people have misconceptions about the seasons. For example, a lot of people believe that seasons happen at the same time everywhere on Earth. That is not true because when we have winter in the Northern Hemisphere, it is summer in the Southern Hemisphere. Another popular misconception is that the sun is pretty far off center with the Earth's orbit, making the distance between Earth and the sun vary even more with the time of year. That one is also false because the sun is actually pretty centered with Earth's orbit. People also say that Earth is closer to the sun during summer and farther away during winter. That is not the case because seasons depend on the Earth's angle. Also, a lot of people think that seasonal characteristics are the same everywhere on Earth. Here is an example of why this is not true. In some places, like Utah, it snows a great deal during winter. Other places, like Mexico, get little or no snowfall during winter. Let me explain how seasons really work. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. The writer discusses seasonal signs related to the directional rays of the sun. (“ The tilt of the Earth makes the sun’s rays hit directly or indirectly. In winter in the Northern Hemisphere, the sun's energy hits the Southern Hemisphere and the energy travels less directly to the north. In spring, the Vernal Equinox starts the season. The vernal equinox is the first time in the year that the day and night is the same length. In summer, the hemisphere that the energy is most directly traveling to is the hemisphere experiencing it. In fall or autumn, the Autumnal equinox happens, and the days and nights are the same length for the second time in the year. ”)

Specific information from the text(s) about the Greek myth Persephone is paraphrased in the essay very effectively. (“ The ancient Greeks thought the seasons were because of a dispute between the gods. Persephone was a beautiful young lady. Her mom loved and adored her so much that she bragged about her beauty and genuine smile. One day, the big bell rang and her mother, Demeter, had to leave immediately. Demeter told Persephone to stay at their house until she got back. Persephone promised she would, even though she was terribly hungry for her favorite food, a pomegranate. Soon after her mother left, a moth from the underworld came to Persephone. The moth told her he knew where a pomegranate tree was nearby. He told her to follow him to the tree. Knowing what her mother said, she agreed to follow him, as long as she was back soon. He took her very far to the underworld. When she was gone the Earth was cold and icy. He had tricked her, to become Hades' princess. She was trapped in the underworld. ”)

Organization

The writer uses interesting observations about the seasons to introduce the controlling idea and then asks engaging questions to challenge the readers to consider it. (“ Almost every living thing depends on the seasons. Organisms thrive in the warmer months, and usually shrivel up and stop in the colder ones. During autumn and winter, people wear more and warmer clothing, while in spring and summer, they wear less and cooler clothing. Even the sports we play differ when the seasons change, like soccer in the summer and hockey in the winter. Why do we have the seasons? How do the seasons work? What created the seasons? Those are questions I often ask myself. ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and between sentences. (“ The tilt of the Earth is the last factor in creating the seasons. Without the tilt, it would always be one season. The Earth's axis is tilted at about 23.12 degrees from the vertical. Thus, in June, the Northern Hemisphere is tipped slightly towards the sun, and the Southern Hemisphere is tipped slightly away from the sun. When the Northern Hemisphere is tilted towards the sun, the sun appears to trace a high pattern across the sky. Its rays are then more nearly direct and hence more intense than slanting rays. ”)

The conclusion provides readers with a sense of closure. The essay allows readers to reflect on the controlling idea and marvel at the workings of the universe. (“ That is the reason for the seasons and what people used to believe. Now you know why we have seasons. Without the seasons, farmer's crops would fail and life as we know it would no longer continue. Virtually every living thing is affected by the seasons, and now we know why! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe how people understood the change of seasons before scientific discovery. (“ Before the calendar and new discoveries, people looked to the sky for signs that a new season was approaching. For example, the bright star Regulus climbing in the eastern horizon signals that spring is approaching in the Northern Hemisphere. Ancient peoples had different beliefs for why the seasons existed. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ The Earth's location is another part of creating the seasons. When the Earth is at one side of its rotation, the Earth's tilt is facing another way, making each season differ from one another. Winter in the Northern Hemisphere is summer in the Southern. Fall in the North is spring in the South. Summer in the North is winter in the South. Whatever season is happening in the South, the opposite season is happening in the North, or vice-versa. Imagine it being 80 degrees on Christmas! Or, imagine going sledding on the Fourth of July! That is how it is in Australia. But that is normal to Australians. ”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ By then, her mother was very worried. She cried out to Zeus, and begged him to help her. He sent a messenger down to the underworld to retrieve her. As long as she didn't eat, she could be saved. Unfortunately, she ate three little seeds. Her mother said that that was not fair, they were so small. So they worked out an agreement. Because she only ate three seeds, she would have to stay with Hades for three months a year. ‘Those three months will be cold and icy,’ her mother said. The ancient Greeks believed that is why we have winter. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Fall in the North is spring in the South. Summer in the North is winter in the South. Whatever season is happening in the South, the opposite season is happening in the North, or vice-versa. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Seasons

Have you ever wondered why we have seasons? Different groups of people believe different reasons for the seasons. Ancient greeks believed that the goddess of harvest affected the seasons. Native Americans and Europeans kept track of seasons by looking at stars and constellations. And finally, modern day scientists have a theory that the earth's tilt and rotation around the sun let us have seasons. Let's find out the reasons for the seasons.

Greek Mythology

The ancient greeks believed in gods and goddesses. These gods created things on earth like trees, spiders, and seasons. The story of Persephone is a myth of how the seasons came to be.

Demeter, the goddess of harvest, and her daughter, Persephone, loved each other very much. Demeter always bragged about how lovely Persephone was. Hades, the god of the underworld overheard and kidnapped Persephone because he wanted a wife. Demeter was devastated and would not harvest anymore. All of the crops froze over creating fall and winter. Demeter pleaded to Zeus, the god of all gods, and he said that Persephone could come back form the underworld if she hadn't eaten anything. Unfortunately, Persephone had eaten three pomegranate seeds while in the underworld. Zeus then made a compromise and said that Persephone had to stay with Hades in the underworld for three months a year because she had eaten three seeds. The other nine months she could spend with her mother, Demeter. This myth tells us that Demeter is happy and will harvest in spring and summer because Persephone is with her. She is getting sad and worried in the fall because Persephone is leaving. In winter, Demeter doesn't harvest anything because Persephone is gone and she begins to be happy again in spring when her daughter comes back to live with her.

Early People

People living in the fifteen to eighteen hundreds used the night sky as a guide for the seasons. These people would look for constellations in the sky at different times of year to determine what season it was or what season was approaching. They also looked for bright stars like Regulus. That star would signal that spring was near. Antares is when summer comes. The Pegasus is a sign of autumn and Aldebaran means winter is coming. These stars and constellations were vial for planting and harvesting crops.

Scientific Reasons

Modern day scientists have an excellent theory for why we have seasons. They believe that because the earth's axis is tilted at twenty three and a half degrees from vertical it causes the sun to be more direct at one place at a time. when the Northern Hemisphere is tipped toward the sun, the sun appears to trace a high path across the sky. Its rays are more direct to the Northern Hemisphere than the Southern Hemisphere, making summer up north. When the Northern Hemisphere is slanted away from the sun, the conditions are opposite. Because the Southern Hemisphere is always tipped the opposite direction, southern lands have summer in December and winter in June.

In all, the seasons have a great part in our every day lives. Many people have theory's of how the seasons came to be. Greeks and Romans believed that Gods created seasons and scientists today believe that it's earth's axis and rotation. I'm glad we have seasons!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer shows a thorough understanding of the text(s), the audience, and the purpose of the task, and he/she makes clear connections between text(s) and task through a controlling or central idea. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay focuses the readers’ attention by describing different cultural beliefs and practices to make readers curious about the cycle of seasons. (“ Have you ever wondered why we have seasons? Different groups of people believe different reasons for the seasons. Ancient greeks believed that the goddess of harvest affected the seasons. Native Americans and Europeans kept track of seasons by looking at stars and constellations. And finally, modern day scientists have a theory that the earth's tilt and rotation around the sun let us have seasons. Let's find out the reasons for the seasons. ”)

Specific information from the text(s) and task is used to effectively keep the focus of the central or controlling idea . The writer describes how constellations indicate seasonal changes. (“ People living in the fifteen to eighteen hundreds used the night sky as a guide for the seasons. These people would look for constellations in the sky at different times of year to determine what season it was or what season was approaching. They also looked for bright stars like Regulus. That star would signal that spring was near. Antares is when summer comes. The Pegasus is a sign of autumn and Aldebaran means winter is coming. These stars and constellations were vial for planting and harvesting crops.”)

Details from the text(s) provide specific information from the passage and indicate the essay’s focus. The myth Persephone explains the cycle of the seasons. (“ The ancient greeks believed in gods and goddesses. These gods created things on earth like trees, spiders, and seasons. The story of Persephone is a myth of how the seasons came to be… This myth tells us that Demeter is happy and will harvest in spring and summer because Persephone is with her. She is getting sad and worried in the fall because Persephone is leaving. In winter, Demeter doesn't harvest anything because Persephone is gone and she begins to be happy again in spring when her daughter comes back to live with her. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text(s) for support.

The writer supports main ideas with a paraphrase of the text(s) . Persephone’s stay in the Underworld affects human life by changing the seasons. (“ Demeter, the goddess of harvest, and her daughter, Persephone, loved each other very much. Demeter always bragged about how lovely Persephone was. Hades, the god of the underworld overheard and kidnapped Persephone because he wanted a wife. Demeter was devastated and would not harvest anymore. All of the crops froze over creating fall and winter. Demeter pleaded to Zeus, the god of all gods, and he said that Persephone could come back form the underworld if she hadn't eaten anything. Unfortunately, Persephone had eaten three pomegranate seeds while in the underworld. Zeus then made a compromise and said that Persephone had to stay with Hades in the underworld for three months a year because she had eaten three seeds. The other nine months she could spend with her mother, Demeter. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ People living in the fifteen to eighteen hundreds used the night sky as a guide for the seasons. These people would look for constellations in the sky at different times of year to determine what season it was or what season was approaching. They also looked for bright stars like Regulus. That star would signal that spring was near. Antares is when summer comes. The Pegasus is a sign of autumn and Aldebaran means winter is coming. These stars and constellations were vial for planting and harvesting crops. ”)

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details. This paragraph explains how the movement of the planets affects the seasons. (“ Modern day scientists have an excellent theory for why we have seasons. They believe that because the earth's axis is tilted at twenty three and a half degrees from vertical it causes the sun to be more direct at one place at a time. when the Northern Hemisphere is tipped toward the sun, the sun appears to trace a high path across the sky. Its rays are more direct to the Northern Hemisphere than the Southern Hemisphere, making summer up north. When the Northern Hemisphere is slanted away from the sun, the conditions are opposite. Because the Southern Hemisphere is always tipped the opposite direction, southern lands have summer in December and winter in June.” )

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Have you ever wondered why we have seasons? Different groups of people believe different reasons for the seasons. Ancient greeks believed that the goddess of harvest affected the seasons. Native Americans and Europeans kept track of seasons by looking at stars and constellations. And finally, modern day scientists have a theory that the earth's tilt and rotation around the sun let us have seasons. Let's find out the reasons for the seasons. ”)

Transitions between sentences are used well. (“ when the Northern Hemisphere is tipped toward the sun, the sun appears to trace a high path across the sky. Its rays are more direct to the Northern Hemisphere than the Southern Hemisphere, making summer up north. When the Northern Hemisphere is slanted away from the sun, the conditions are opposite. Because the Southern Hemisphere is always tipped the opposite direction, southern lands have summer in December and winter in June. ”)

The conclusion allows the readers to reflect on the thesis/controlling idea and restates the main points effectively . (“ In all, the seasons have a great part in our every day lives. Many people have theory's of how the seasons came to be. Greeks and Romans believed that Gods created seasons and scientists today believe that it's earth's axis and rotation. I'm glad we have seasons! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

Language and tone are consistent. (“ Have you ever wondered why we have seasons? Different groups of people believe different reasons for the seasons. Ancient greeks believed that the goddess of harvest affected the seasons. Native Americans and Europeans kept track of seasons by looking at stars and constellations. And finally, modern day scientists have a theory that the earth's tilt and rotation around the sun let us have seasons. Let's find out the reasons for the seasons. ”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the topic of seasons. (“ The ancient greeks believed in gods and goddesses. These gods created things on earth like trees, spiders, and seasons. The story of Persephone is a myth of how the seasons came to be. ”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe the story of Persephone. (“ Demeter, the goddess of harvest, and her daughter, Persephone, loved each other very much. Demeter always bragged about how lovely Persephone was. Hades, the god of the underworld overheard and kidnapped Persephone because he wanted a wife. Demeter was devastated and would not harvest anymore. All of the crops froze over creating fall and winter. Demeter pleaded to Zeus, the god of all gods, and he said that Persephone could come back form the underworld if she hadn't eaten anything. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences are complete thoughts and contain appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ In all, the seasons have a great part in our every day lives. Many people have theory's of how the seasons came to be. Greeks and Romans believed that Gods created seasons and scientists today believe that it's earth's axis and rotation.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The reason for the four seasons

There are four different seasons, but why? There are two different reasons; the mythological reason, and the scientific reason. Now on the Earth we know the story of Persephone isn't the real reason we have seasons, since scientists have prooven otherwise (from satellites). Believe it or not romans back then actually thought the story of Persephone was the real reason we have seasons.

"Persephone and the Four Seasons" gives one explination for our seasons. Once, all the seasons were sunny and bright. Jealous Pluto desperately wanted a wife, but every woman he stole hated him and missed the sunlight. When he saw the beautiful Persephone he then stole her and made her his queen. If Persephone ate in the underworld she would have to stay there. Not knowing that, Persephone ate six of the twelve pomegranate seed Pluto offered her. Eventually Persephone's mom went to Zeus and made a deal with Pluto. Zeus declared that because she only ate six of the twelve seeds she stayed six months in the underworld. The months she was gone, it would be cold and dull (winter); and the six months she was above ground, the weather would be sunny and warm (summer). You might not believe this story, but it's fun to hear. Originally this tale was Greek: Persephone was the wife of Hades instead of Pluto. The Romans copied Greek Gods but named them differently. Both cultures believes this was the reason for seasons.

Obviously that tale wasn't really why we have seasons. Scientists have proven that we have seasons because of Earth's tilt. Earth's axis of rotation is not straight up and down with respects to its orbit, but it is tilted by about 23.5 degrees. For the side that's tilting towards the sun right now it's summer. We also have seasons because of Earth's revolution, or orbit around the sun. The Earth doesn't just switch its tilt. The Earth is slowly spinning around the sun, so a new side is facing towards the sun. Because we have man-made satellites and telescopes this explanation is no longer a theory. Scientists have declared this explanation is the real reason for seasons.

There are four different seasons; spring, winter, summer, and fall. We hear about Persephone and the four seasons, but we know it is not true. Some scientists have proven the reason we have seasons with telescopes and satellites. Even thought Romans believed Persephone's story, people today don't believe it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay reveals a basic understanding of the text(s), audience, and purpose of the task. The writer implies connections between text(s) and task through a controlling or central idea and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the controlling or central idea of the essay adequately. (“ There are four different seasons, but why? There are two different reasons; the mythological reason, and the scientific reason.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about scientific and historical explanations for the cycle of seasons. (“‘Persephone and the Four Seasons’ gives one explination for our seasons. Once, all the seasons were sunny and bright. Jealous Pluto desperately wanted a wife, but every woman he stole hated him and missed the sunlight. When he saw the beautiful Persephone he then stole her and made her his queen. If Persephone ate in the underworld she would have to stay there. Not knowing that, Persephone ate six of the twelve pomegranate seed Pluto offered her. Eventually Persephone's mom went to Zeus and made a deal with Pluto. Zeus declared that because she only ate six of the twelve seeds she stayed six months in the underworld. The months she was gone, it would be cold and dull [winter]; and the six months she was above ground, the weather would be sunny and warm [summer]. You might not believe this story, but it's fun to hear. Originally this tale was Greek: Persephone was the wife of Hades instead of Pluto. The Romans copied Greek Gods but named them differently. Both cultures believes this was the reason for seasons.”)

The essay connects some specific information from the text(s) regarding the tilt and rotation of the earth to the task of explaining the cause of the seasons. (“Obviously that tale wasn't really why we have seasons. Scientists have proven that we have seasons because of Earth's tilt. Earth's axis of rotation is not straight up and down with respects to its orbit, but it is tilted by about 23.5 degrees. For the side that's tilting towards the sun right now it's summer. We also have seasons because of Earth's revolution, or orbit around the sun. The Earth doesn't just switch its tilt. The Earth is slowly spinning around the sun, so a new side is facing towards the sun. Because we have man-made satellites and telescopes this explanation is no longer a theory. Scientists have declared this explanation is the real reason for seasons.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text(s) for support.

The writer paraphrases information about Persephone’s story that adequately supports the main idea of the paragraph. (“‘Persephone and the Four Seasons’ gives one explination for our seasons. Once, all the seasons were sunny and bright. Jealous Pluto desperately wanted a wife, but every woman he stole hated him and missed the sunlight. When he saw the beautiful Persephone he then stole her and made her his queen. If Persephone ate in the underworld she would have to stay there. Not knowing that, Persephone ate six of the twelve pomegranate seed Pluto offered her.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The months she was gone, it would be cold and dull [winter]; and the six months she was above ground, the weather would be sunny and warm [summer]. You might not believe this story, but it's fun to hear. Originally this tale was Greek: Persephone was the wife of Hades instead of Pluto. The Romans copied Greek Gods but named them differently. Both cultures believes this was the reason for seasons.”)

The writer includes at least three details about each main idea. (“Obviously that tale wasn't really why we have seasons. Scientists have proven that we have seasons because of Earth's tilt. Earth's axis of rotation is not straight up and down with respects to its orbit, but it is tilted by about 23.5 degrees. For the side that's tilting towards the sun right now it's summer. We also have seasons because of Earth's revolution, or orbit around the sun. The Earth doesn't just switch its tilt. The Earth is slowly spinning around the sun, so a new side is facing towards the sun. Because we have man-made satellites and telescopes this explanation is no longer a theory. Scientists have declared this explanation is the real reason for seasons.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by recognizing the views of ancient Roman culture. (“ There are four different seasons, but why? There are two different reasons; the mythological reason, and the scientific reason. Now on the Earth we know the story of Persephone isn't the real reason we have seasons, since scientists have prooven otherwise [from satellites]. Believe it or not romans back then actually thought the story of Persephone was the real reason we have seasons. ”)

The writer adequately uses transitional devices that lead the readers from one source and/or analysis to the other. (“ Obviously that tale wasn't really why we have seasons. Scientists have proven that we have seasons because of Earth's tilt. Earth's axis of rotation is not straight up and down with respects to its orbit, but it is tilted by about 23.5 degrees. For the side that's tilting towards the sun right now it's summer. We also have seasons because of Earth's revolution, or orbit around the sun.”)

The conclusion allows the readers to reflect on the thesis/controlling point and restates the main points adequately . (“ There are four different seasons; spring, winter, summer, and fall. We hear about Persephone and the four seasons, but we know it is not true. Some scientists have proven the reason we have seasons with telescopes and satellites. Even thought Romans believed Persephone's story, people today don't believe it. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The Earth doesn't just switch its tilt. The Earth is slowly spinning around the sun, so a new side is facing towards the sun. Because we have man-made satellites and telescopes this explanation is no longer a theory. Scientists have declared this explanation is the real reason for seasons.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes contrasting theories to the intended audience. (“ Now on the Earth we know the story of Persephone isn't the real reason we have seasons, since scientists have prooven otherwise [from satellites]. Believe it or not romans back then actually thought the story of Persephone was the real reason we have seasons.”)

Exact and specific words, like “axis, tilt, and revolution” from the text(s), are used to adequately address the prompt task. (“ Earth's axis of rotation is not straight up and down with respects to its orbit, but it is tilted by about 23.5 degrees. For the side that's tilting towards the sun right now it's summer. We also have seasons because of Earth's revolution, or orbit around the sun.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ Now on the Earth we know the story of Persephone isn't the real reason we have seasons, since scientists have prooven otherwise [from satellites]. Believe it or not romans back then actually thought the story of Persephone was the real reason we have seasons.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In ancient history the Greek gods believed that how the seasons happened was, the Persephone myth. That is not the real reason how the four seasons happen. Persephone went down to hades wen it became fall/winter. She came back and her mom, Demeter and she melted the snow and it became spring/summer. That's what the Greek gods believed how the four seasons happened.

How we really have seasons is because we revolve around the sun and our axis is on a 23.5-degree tilt. Because of that we have the four because at one point the earth is tilted away from the sun in the northern and southern hemisphere. And when the earth is pointed towards the sun we have summer in the northern or southern hemisphere.

Summer is the warmest season for the northern hemisphere, in other words it is the coldest season for the southern hemisphere. The summer solstice begins June 21st and ends September 20th.

Fall is when the weather starts to cool down for the northern hemisphere, in other words it when it starts to get warmer in the southern hemisphere. The fall epuinox begins September 21st and ends December 20th.

December is the coldest season in the northern hemisphere, in other words it is the warmest season for the southern hemisphere. The December solstice begins December 21st and ends March 20th.

Spring is when the weather starts getting hotter in the northern hemisphere. In other words it is when the weather starts cooling down in the southern hemisphere. The Spring equinox begins March 21st and ends June 20th.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the text(s), audience, and purpose of the task. The writer implies a few connections between text(s) and task through a controlling or central idea. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. The writer should align the controlling idea/thesis statement to the prompt task by including both cultural and scientific observations that explain the earth’s seasons. (“ In ancient history the Greek gods believed that how the seasons happened was, the Persephone myth. That is not the real reason how the four seasons happen.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on describing the four seasons instead of explaining how the tilt of the earth is responsible for them. (“Summer is the warmest season for the northern hemisphere, in other words it is the coldest season for the southern hemisphere. The summer solstice begins June 21st and ends September 20th… Fall is when the weather starts to cool down for the northern hemisphere, in other words it when it starts to get warmer in the southern hemisphere. The fall epuinox begins September 21st and ends December 20th.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the text(s) to illustrate the myth of Persephone. Including more detailed explanations of how Persephone was tricked by Hades would help the readers picture the change of seasons in their minds. (“Persephone went down to hades wen it became fall/winter. She came back and her mom, Demeter and she melted the snow and it became spring/summer. That's what the Greek gods believed how the four seasons happened.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific, accurate, and relevant details from the text(s).

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“How we really have seasons is because we revolve around the sun and our axis is on a 23.5-degree tilt. Because of that we have the four because at one point the earth is tilted away from the sun in the northern and southern hemisphere. And when the earth is pointed towards the sun we have summer in the northern or southern hemisphere.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis in a limited way. (“December is the coldest season in the northern hemisphere, in other words it is the warmest season for the southern hemisphere. The December solstice begins December 21st and ends March 20th.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ Spring is when the weather starts getting hotter in the northern hemisphere. In other words it is when the weather starts cooling down in the southern hemisphere. The Spring equinox begins March 21st and ends June 20th.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer implies the idea of seasons and moves directly into the first main idea. With limited background information and descriptive details, readers struggle to understand the scope of the essay. (“ In ancient history the Greek gods believed that how the seasons happened was, the Persephone myth. That is not the real reason how the four seasons happen. Persephone went down to hades wen it became fall/winter. She came back and her mom, Demeter and she melted the snow and it became spring/summer. That's what the Greek gods believed how the four seasons happened.”)

Transitions should be used to better connect the main idea of each paragraph and to assist in the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“How we really have seasons is because we revolve around the sun and our axis is on a 23.5-degree tilt. Because of that we have the four because at one point the earth is tilted away from the sun in the northern and southern hemisphere. And when the earth is pointed towards the sun we have summer in the northern or southern hemisphere.”)

The conclusion does not refer to the controlling idea or the main points in the essay, and it does not provide a final sentence that leaves the readers with something to think about. The writer simply ends with the last season description. (“ Spring is when the weather starts getting hotter in the northern hemisphere. In other words it is when the weather starts cooling down in the southern hemisphere. The Spring equinox begins March 21st and ends June 20th.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The writer uses awkward sentence structures and basic word choices. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ In ancient history the Greek gods believed that how the seasons happened was, the Persephone myth. That is not the real reason how the four seasons happen. Persephone went down to hades wen it became fall/winter. She came back and her mom, Demeter and she melted the snow and it became spring/summer. That's what the Greek gods believed how the four seasons happened.”)

The essay exhibits repetitive structure and style, which shows limited awareness of audience. (“ Summer is the warmest season for the northern hemisphere, in other words it is the coldest season for the southern hemisphere. The summer solstice begins June 21st and ends September 20th… Fall is when the weather starts to cool down for the northern hemisphere, in other words it when it starts to get warmer in the southern hemisphere. The fall epuinox begins September 21st and ends December 20th.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

Exact words are missing. The writer intends to discuss the season of winter, not December. (“ December is the coldest season in the northern hemisphere, in other words it is the warmest season for the southern hemisphere. The December solstice begins December 21st and ends March 20th.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Over the seasons people made up greek myths in order to explain the seasons,but we know that's not true. People made up the stories for fun or for a different reason.

That's not true because of science. If we didn't have science we wouldn't have hand sanitizer and stuff like that.

The reason greek myths aren't true is because earth's orbit ,earth's axis,earth's tilt ,and the sun. Well,the seasons are caused if earth is tilted toward the sun. Earth has 4 different seasons,and I'll tell you the seasons in order. First, we have spring,second,we have summer,then we have fall,and finally is winter.

My favorite season is summer. I love summer because that's the time when you have no school, you can swim,you can eat ice cream,and do all other stuff.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the text(s), audience, and purpose of the task, and he/she makes unclear or unwarranted connections between text(s) and task through a controlling or central idea. As a result, few parts of the task are completed in the essay.

Only a minimal central/controlling idea is demonstrated. (“Over the seasons people made up greek myths in order to explain the seasons,but we know that's not true. People made up the stories for fun or for a different reason. ”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the myth of Persephone and connect it to the scientific explanation for the seasons. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of how humans explain natural phenomena in different historical time periods.

Some of the details in the essay are unrelated to the main idea. (“That's not true because of science. If we didn't have science we wouldn't have hand sanitizer and stuff like that.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers an understanding of the scientific factors that affect the cycle of seasons. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“The reason greek myths aren't true is because earth's orbit ,earth's axis,earth's tilt ,and the sun. Well,the seasons are caused if earth is tilted toward the sun.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The writer uses few details from the text(s), some of which are not specific, accurate, or relevant.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“Earth has 4 different seasons,and I'll tell you the seasons in order. First, we have spring,second,we have summer,then we have fall,and finally is winter.”)

There are minimal supporting details from the text(s) for each paragraph. The writer provides a minimal response that leaves the readers with many questions. (“My favorite season is summer. I love summer because that's the time when you have no school, you can swim,you can eat ice cream,and do all other stuff.”)

More details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Supporting ideas should contain the examples, direct quotations, citations, paraphrases, and/or summaries from the informational selection(s) that give readers a clear picture of how the position of the earth affects the seasons. (“The reason greek myths aren't true is because earth's orbit ,earth's axis,earth's tilt ,and the sun. Well,the seasons are caused if earth is tilted toward the sun. ”)

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Over the seasons people made up greek myths in order to explain the seasons,but we know that's not true. People made up the stories for fun or for a different reason. ”)

Although the writer uses transition words to list the seasons in sequence, there is minimal evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas throughout the essay. (“ The reason greek myths aren't true is because earth's orbit ,earth's axis,earth's tilt ,and the sun. Well,the seasons are caused if earth is tilted toward the sun. Earth has 4 different seasons,and I'll tell you the seasons in order. First, we have spring,second,we have summer,then we have fall,and finally is winter. ”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ My favorite season is summer. I love summer because that's the time when you have no school, you can swim,you can eat ice cream,and do all other stuff. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates minimal voice and style in the essay. (“That's not true because of science. If we didn't have science we wouldn't have hand sanitizer and stuff like that.”)

The writer uses repetitive words and phrases in the essay. (“ The reason greek myths aren't true is because earth's orbit ,earth's axis,earth's tilt ,and the sun. Well,the seasons are caused if earth is tilted toward the sun. Earth has 4 different seasons,and I'll tell you the seasons in order. First, we have spring,second,we have summer,then we have fall,and finally is winter. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ My favorite season is summer. I love summer because that's the time when you have no school, you can swim,you can eat ice cream,and do all other stuff. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, and correct spelling and usage of selected words. (“First, we have spring,second,we have summer,then we have fall,and finally is winter.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Seaseons

Winter,spring,summer,fall. why do we have seasons for? In Ancuent Greece they have seasons because it just go in a year and it is just four that is easy to now all the four sesons. The thing that I think is cool is that all of ower seons have the own name like winter. Is an old germanic word will not that fanse namesbut I think that it is pratty cool and those seaons Persephone had butifull nice days. Mabay she loved those day that she had palying and injoying the nice days and seaons.If she like to hang out alto because she like so much the seaons people have also watched the sun for singel of the passing seaons.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer shows little understanding of the text(s) or the purpose of the task, and he/she makes no connections between text(s) and task through a controlling or central idea. The writer does not adequately complete any parts of the task.

The writer does not provide a clearly defined thesis statement that focuses the essay on the required text(s) or task. The essay does not explain the cause of the seasons from a scientific or cultural perspective as presented in the readings. (“ Winter,spring,summer,fall. why do we have seasons for? In Ancuent Greece they have seasons because it just go in a year and it is just four that is easy to now all the four sesons.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make connections between the text(s) and task. (“ The thing that I think is cool is that all of ower seons have the own name like winter. Is an old germanic word will not that fanse namesbut I think that it is pratty cool and those seaons Persephone had butifull nice days.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“Mabay she loved those day that she had palying and injoying the nice days and seaons.If she like to hang out alto because she like so much the seaons people have also watched the sun for singel of the passing seaons.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and minimal, or no development of ideas, and the writer provides virtually no details from the text(s).

Little or no evidence from the text(s) is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“In Ancuent Greece they have seasons because it just go in a year and it is just four that is easy to now all the four sesons. The thing that I think is cool is that all of ower seons have the own name like winter.”)

Supporting ideas should contain examples, direct quotations, paraphrases, and/or summaries from the text selection(s). (“Is an old germanic word will not that fanse namesbut I think that it is pratty cool and those seaons Persephone had butifull nice days. Mabay she loved those day that she had palying and injoying the nice days and seaons.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“Winter,spring,summer,fall. why do we have seasons for? In Ancuent Greece they have seasons because it just go in a year and it is just four that is easy to now all the four sesons. The thing that I think is cool is that all of ower seons have the own name like winter. Is an old germanic word will not that fanse namesbut I think that it is pratty cool and those seaons Persephone had butifull nice days. Mabay she loved those day that she had palying and injoying the nice days and seaons.If she like to hang out alto because she like so much the seaons people have also watched the sun for singel of the passing seaons.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion, and there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The introduction does not grab the readers’ attention. The writer begins by listing the four seasons to introduce his/her topic. (“ Winter,spring,summer,fall. why do we have seasons for?”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ The thing that I think is cool is that all of ower seons have the own name like winter. Is an old germanic word will not that fanse namesbut I think that it is pratty cool and those seaons Persephone had butifull nice days.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ If she like to hang out alto because she like so much the seaons people have also watched the sun for singel of the passing seaons.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“ If she like to hang out alto because she like so much the seaons people have also watched the sun for singel of the passing seaons.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The thing that I think is cool is that all of ower seons have the own name like winter. Is an old germanic word will not that fanse namesbut I think that it is pratty cool and those seaons Persephone had butifull nice days.”)

Exact words are missing in the essay, and confusing sentence structures limit understanding of the writer’s message. (“why do we have seasons for? In Ancuent Greece they have seasons because it just go in a year and it is just four that is easy to now all the four sesons.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are major e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Rock Climbing

Pretend that you are a writer for your school newspaper. Write a feature story on the sport of rock climbing. Use information from the passage in your feature story.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I looked over at her and eyed her up and down. I could tell that her legs were very muscular and strong even through her worn Levi's. On her feet were sturdy brown hiking boots that cut off the ends of her jeans. Her shirt was a casual forest green T-shirt that was thin and a little loose. Her hands looked very strong and had a few scrapes on them. Next to her was a large duffel bag, it rested next to her chair as if it was her life-long companion. I could tell it was heavy by the way she struggled to carry it in and the loud clank it made when she set it down. Looking at her there was no doubt in my mind she was a women who loved nature. This is my interview with a rock climber.

"Hello." I greeted her. I felt like I was a five year old talking to an adult. I was ignorant when it came to this sport.

"Hello." She replied.

"When did you decide that you wanted to start climbing?" I said. I felt as if I had broken the ice by saying this.

"When I was a teenager my father took me to the Catskills up in New York . We hiked up a strenuous trail to get to the top of the mountain. To tell you the truth, I hated it. I felt as if nothing could make up for this grueling hike. Finally we reached the top. I was greeted by a cliff off of a mountain. I ran right to the edge and as I looked down - I will never forget the sensation I got."

"Interesting," I said, I was busy admiring the passion in her voice as she told me about her experience. "What have you got?" I asked eyeing her bag.

"Oh! I brought some equipment I thought you might be interested in." She said reaching down and unzipping the bag. She pulled out a metal wedge with a cable strung through it. "This is called a chock stone. See, I loop the cable through it and now I can attach a snap link." She pulled out something from the bag (I'm assuming it was the snap link) and attached it. "This protects me in case I happen to fall."

I could see there was a lot more in the bag but I decided that I wouldn't waste too much time. "Tell me a little bit about rock climbing."

"Well first you should make sure you know what your doing. You can't just go to some moutainside and expect to climb up it. You need to be with an experienced climber. Even now, I always bring a friend with me."

"Is it hard to climb up the mountains?"

"It can be. Some parts are definitely harder to climb than others. Some parts of the mountains are incredibly strenuous, like parts that only have finger cracks-"

"Uhh ... excuse me?" I said, cutting her off.

"Oh yes! Finger cracks are the type of cracks that are only big enough to slip a couple of fingers into. These are pretty hard because they require a lot of muscle. Hand cracks are slightly bigger and you can probably fit you whole hand or foot into it. You can clench your fist after you insert you hand in order to anchor yourself, this is called a fist jam. Last there is the biggest type of mountain cracks, we call these chimneys. You can fit your entire body in these."

"OK," I said, "continue."

"Well finger cracks are the hardest to climb because you can't get a good grip. Hand cracks are pretty easy because you can use all the muscles in your legs or arms. Chimneys aren't really strenuous as long as they are open enough."

"It sounds like a great way to exercise!" I commented.

"It really is."

"Tell me about the feelings you get as your climbing a mountain and when you finally reach the top."

"The feeling I get from mountain climbing is something I'll never really be able to explain. The first few times it's a thrill to look down and see how high up you are. I guess it still is. It can be very hard also. Sometimes you'll get a cramp in your leg or arm. Being so high up there's really nothing you can do about it except for take a rest and hope it goes away. Once you get used to a certain cliff you can almost take your mind off of the wall, climbing it becomes a second nature and you can take time to enjoy the scenery. When you get to the top it's like a rush. Looking down and seeing what you just climbed gives you a good sense of accomplishment. Plus the view is almost always breathtaking."

"Sounds nice," I said thinking about her words, "so to wrap things up, why do you rock climb?"

"I rock climb for the love of it. It is a great source of exercise but that doesn't matter to me. It's the thrill I get from it, the feeling I get when I reach the top of a mountain. Like I just reached a goal I have been waiting my whole life to achieve."

"Thank you." I smiled as I closed my small green notebook.

"No problem." She said shaking my hand.

As I watched the short muscular lady haul her duffel bag out of the room I thought of all the things she had said. How passionate she was about this sport and the sound of her voice when she talked about the feelings she got from it. How much experience and hard work went into learning all there was to know about rock climbing. How skilled she was to be able to climb up and entire mountain using nothing but the cracks in the cliffs. What started as my plain old interview ended with a new respect for a sport I never even gave thought to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story that this author has written cleverly takes the form of an interview. The author remains focused on the topic at hand and asks questions that are intended to solicit information from the climber that refer back to the text (“ Looking at her there was no doubt in my mine she was a women who loved nature. This is my interview with a rock climber ”). The author demonstrates a very sophisticated reading of the text by weaving it so creatively into the body of the interview. The response m akes exceptionally bright connections between the text and task through the author’s controlling idea.

Content & Development

Overall, this essay is highly detailed and informative. Perhaps the most evolved example of the author’s development plan lies in the bag the rock climber carries. An interesting prop throughout the story, the author imaginatively uses this bag as a way of discussing some of the tools described in the text (“’ Interesting,’ I said, I was busy admiring the passion in her voice as she told me about her experience. ‘What have you got?’ I asked eyeing her bag. ‘Oh! I brought some equipment I thought you might be interested in’ ”).

Organization

This essay displays a v ery effective organizational scheme. The introduction intrigues the reader by describing the rock climber, noting some of the qualities that the text implies might be possessed by such a person (“ I looked over at her and eyed her up and down. I could tell that her legs were very muscular and strong even through her worn Levi's. On her feet were sturdy brown hiking boots that cut off the ends of her jeans … Her hands looked very strong and had a few scrapes on them ... Looking at her there was no doubt in my mind she was a women who loved nature ”). The body itself is organized around the dialogue between the two main characters and flows well from one paragraph to the next. Finally, the conclusion not only wraps up the interview, but it imparts a little wisdom to the reader (“ How skilled she was to be able to climb up and entire mountain using nothing but the cracks in the cliffs. What started as my plain old interview ended with a new respect for a sport I never even gave thought to ”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is wielded effectively in this essay. Using words precisely and structuring sentences well, the author reveals a defined voice and clear sense of audience (“ The feeling I get from mountain climbing is something I'll never really be able to explain. The first few times it's a thrill to look down and see how high up you are. I guess it still is ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Very few noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling reside in this essay. The author demonstrates particular skill in managing the complex dialogue.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Seeing forests from above with the moutain casting it's shadow over the scenery. You are above thousands of animals homes. How do you feel? Proud that you actually faced your fears and climbed to the top? A lot of rock climbers climb just so that they can see their homes and the beautiful wildlife from a different view. Instead of seeing a forest from below you can see it from high up above, able to see every little thing. Rock climbing is also a wonderful type of exercise that these people enjoy to do while gazing at the amazing view.

There are many different types of moutain climbing. Rock climbing is one of the most popular. When you are rock climbing you are actually scaling the cliff with special equipment and techniques. Some of the necessities of this sport are a knowledge of proper clothing, equipment, and techniques. Most climbers of today use chock stones to help them scale the moutain. People used to use pitons, or metal pegs, but the chock stones are easier to use. The way you use this tool is almost the same as a piton. It is a metal wedge strung with a loop of cable or rope through which a snap link can be attached. This tool helps protect the climber in case the happen to fall.

One of the most interesting things about this sport is their unique vocabulary. They have a name for just about every crevice or crack you see in the rock. One common word is finger crack. A finger crack is just the right size for your finger to cling to while climbing. These are quite useful so that you know you are actually holding on to something other then your cable. When the climber comes across a finger crack they will sometimes use a lie back, which is when they pull on the crack with their fingers and push the rock with their feet. Another common term is the hand crack. This is just what it sounds like, a crack big enough to allow your foot or hand to grasp. After grabbing a hold of a hand crack they will perform a fist jam by clenching his or her fist inside of the hand crack. There are two other climber terms, the chimney and the bridge. A chimney is big enough to allow the body to fit inside of and a bridge is when the climber uses outward pressure from opposing parts of the body to cross the chimney.

One of the most important things to know in rock climbing is being able to tell one type of stone from another. Some rocks will crumble easily such as sandstone and limestone while others, like granite, are tough and sturdy. It is extremely important to have an experienced climber while trying to scale cliffs. If not you could plummit from the peak of the cliff to the jagged rocks below.

Whether you are a dare devil or timid this sport could be for you. If you're a dare devil you'd enjoy the sensation of doing something that not many people would be keen to do and the feeling of doing something dangerous could also be appealing to you. Or if you're timid and frightened easily you would still enjoy the marvelous view of countless hills or forests that you see from above.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this story, the author seeks to report on some of the information that was gleaned from the text. Staying focused on the controlling idea, the author shows a thorough understanding of the ideas presented in the text and the purpose of the task, and makes clear connections between the two through the controlling idea (“ You are above thousands of animals homes. How do you feel? Proud that you actually faced your fears and climbed to the top? ”) .

Content & Development

The author provides a wealth of detail from the text to d evelop the story clearly, touching on the materials involved, the jargon adherents use, and the types of rock that may be encountered (“ Some of the necessities of this sport are a knowledge of proper clothing, equipment, and techniques. Most climbers of today use chock stones to help them scale the moutain … One of the most interesting things about this sport is their unique vocabulary. They have a name for just about every crevice or crack you see in the rock … Some rocks will crumble easily such as sandstone and limestone while others, like granite, are tough and sturdy ”).

Organization

Five paragraphs form the backbone of this story. The first and last introduce and conclude the story. Both of these paragraphs do their job well, but lack imagination. The three body paragraphs are devoted to the details that explain the sport of rock climbing. T ransitional devices allow this essay to flow well throughout (“ There are many different types of moutain climbing … One of the most interesting things about this sport … One of the most important things to know in rock climbing ”).

Language Use & Style

In this story, the author uses accurate words and well-crafted sentences to convey meaning to the reader (“ If you're a dare devil you'd enjoy the sensation of doing something that not many people would be keen to do and the feeling of doing something dangerous could also be appealing to you. Or if you're timid and frightened easily you would still enjoy the marvelous view of countless hills or forests that you see from above ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Few distracting errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“ thousands of animals homes ”), and spelling (“ moutain ” and “ plummit ”) interfere with the presentation of the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Rock climbing is it really real? Many people think rock climbing is just something that is performed as stunts on television and movie. But indeed it really is a sport that normal people like you and me can try. Let me correct myself it is an extreme sport. Just like any other sport Rock climbing has different types of it, vocabulary, and of course sporting wear and equipment. Rock climbing is actually a type of mountain climbing with scaling cliffs along with special equipment and techniques.

Equipment is a very important factor in this sport. You will need to have climbing shoes along with a harness. I believe it is a necessity to this sport. It is hazardous not to have the right equipment during Technical climbing. Also pitons, special hammers, and ropes should be apart of you equipment.

During a earlier climb you would have to follow a couple of steps. First you would pound your metal pegs or pitons in the rocks. Finally you would snap a link should be attached to each piton and pull the rope through. Modern day climbers do thing a little differently. Modern day clamberers mostly use artificial anchors, that would be referred to as chock stones not the earlier pitons. Chockstones are wedges made of metal that are strung through a loop of cable or rope through were a snap link is attached. This basically helps you from falling.

Rock climbers have their own words for their different climbing techniques and many different size cracks. A crack that is wide enough to allow fingers to enter and grab the rock is called a finger crack. Rock climbers will use something called a lieback to climb a this type of crack. The lieback is used by pulling on a crack with your fingers while pushing against a rock with your feet. A fist jam you can insert your hand into a hand crack. Then their is the chimney crack. It is big enough for a climber to enter. A chimney can be bridged by by using outward pressure with your body parts.

Rock climbing is indeed a extreme sport. Just like any sport you have your equipment, vocabulary, and different forms of it. Dont forget that rock climbing is a form of mountain climbing. Remeber all the things i said in this article is applied to rocks. Its not just a little hill in your neigborhood its actually jagged edge rocks. Just to think people actually do this for fun. Just thinking about makes me wanna make an appointment for the Emergency room ahead of time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story is a good example of a basic attempt to derive a story from the information presented in the text. The essay does remain focused on the topic, and the author shows a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task (“ Dont forget that rock climbing is a form of mountain climbing. Remeber all the things i said in this article is applied to rocks. Its not just a little hill in your neigborhood its actually jagged edge rocks. Just to think people actually do this for fun. Just thinking about makes me wanna make an appointment for the Emergency room ahead of time ”). The connections the author makes between the text and the task through the controlling idea tend to be simple but accurate.

Content & Development

The author develops ideas adequately in this story, citing an a dequate number of sufficient details to support the central theme. For example, the author touches on the vocabulary of rock climbers, some of their equipment, and a few techniques that might be used (“ Equipment is a very important factor in this sport … During a earlier climb you would have to follow a couple of steps … Rock climbers have their own words for their different climbing techniques ”). Noticeable by its absence is any discussion of the types of rocks that may be encountered.

Organization

This essay is a dequately organized. The introduction strikes the reader as somewhat confused (“ Just like any other sport Rock climbing has different types of it, vocabulary, and of course sporting wear and equipment. Rock climbing is actually a type of mountain climbing with scaling cliffs along with special equipment and techniques ”), but the body paragraphs each remain focused on the author’s key points. The conclusion aptly sums up the author’s points and injects a bit of humor into the mix (“J ust to think people actually do this for fun. Just thinking about makes me wanna make an appointment for the Emergency room ahead of time ”).

Language Use & Style

While the level of the author’s vocabulary is appropriate to this task, the author displays some difficulty in structuring sentences correctly, even though their meaning typically remains intact (“ Rock climbers will use something called a lieback to climb a this type of crack ” and “ I believe it is a necessity to this sport ”). The author does clearly address the intended audience and shows some control of voice – the ending of the essay is especially humorous.

Mechanics & Conventions

Overall, the author’s control of the c onventions and mechanics of writing is adequate. Some errors in grammar (“ Modern day climbers do thing a little differently ”), mechanics, punctuation (“ Dont forget ”), and spelling (“ Remember”) are obvious, although they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hello my fellow students at our lovly school in H.B Middle School . Have you ever dreamed of standing on the top of the world and a huge mountain in America is underneth you. Well I will tell you how you can get there.

Though, rock climbing is very dangerous but if you have the proper equipment and techniques, such as using finger cracks, hand crackes, and chimney cracks. A proper type of equipment is Chock stone which is an artifical anchors that you and would "tie into" the mountain side with.

Their are different techniques you use with finger cracks and other cracks. A technique is a lie back which envolves a finger crack. Another would be a fist jam which involves a hand crack because you have to stick you foot or your fist into the crack so you can have a grip in the clif. Their is one more technique to metion, that is the bridgea. That is used for a chimney crack, the climber himself can fit in the crack.

The rock types are important to because some may hold your chock stone a little tigher then other kinds of rock. Granite, limestone and sand stone are the different types of rock for rock climbing. Granite may be the best to climb because it is a little tougher so it will hold your artifical anchor better. Sandstone and limestone crumble easier then granite.

One more thing you should do, and that is always climb with an experianced expert.

That is how you can get to complete your dream.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this story is only partially successful at merging information from the text into a story that will inform the intended audience (“ Have you ever dreamed of standing on the top of the world and a huge mountain in America is underneth you. Well I will tell you how you can get there ”). While the author focuses on the right topic, the essay sh ows that the author gained an incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and thus, the connections s/he creates between the text and task through the controlling idea are also incomplete.

Content & Development

In three body paragraphs the author reports a number of details from the text to support the story, but many of these details are presented incompletely or inaccurately (“ A proper type of equipment is Chock stone which is an artifical anchors that you and would "tie into" the mountain side with ” and “ Their are different techniques you use with finger cracks and other cracks. A technique is a lie back which envolves a finger crack ”). From such support, it is difficult for the reader to form an accurate picture of what it means to be involved in rock climbing.

Organization

This essay is weakly organized. While an adequate introduction opens the essay, the body is not as unified as it could be. The second and third paragraphs are redundant and could be combined. The fifth paragraph consists of a single sentence and appears to have been added as an afterthought, rather than as an integral part of the essay. The conclusion likewise consists of a single sentence (“ That is how you can get to complete your dream”).

Language Use & Style

Much of this essay consists of poorly worded and unclear sentences (“ Though, rock climbing is very dangerous but if you have the proper equipment and techniques, such as using finger cracks, hand crackes, and chimney cracks ” and “ The rock types are important to because some may hold your chock stone a little tigher then other kinds of rock”). With such simple language, it is difficult for the author to express a coherent choice or address the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Numerous errors in grammar (“ That is used for a chimney crack, the climber himself can fit in the crack”), mechanics (“ Their are different techniques you use with finger cracks and other cracks ”), punctuation, and spelling (“ underneth ” and “ bridgea ”) highlight the author’s limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing and impede the reader’s comprehension of the author’s message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever gone rock Climbing? Rock Climbing is a little easy, once you get to know about climbing the rocks and putting your feet in the small openings. Rock climbing is pitons are metal pegs that are pounded into the cracks in the rocks. It is also good to have a snap link that is attshched to a piton and a rope is pulled through a link. Some things are very necessary for rock climbing such as proper clothing, equipment, techniques, and the nature of the cliffs. It is very fun because you want to reach the top because it is cool.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this story, the author s hows an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. The author does communicate some ideas that were contained in the text, but doesn’t make clear connections between text and task through the central idea (“ Have you ever gone rock Climbing? Rock Climbing is a little easy, once you get to know about climbing the rocks and putting your feet in the small openings ”).

Content & Development

The author provides few details to support the central theme and help the reader understand the basics of rock climbing (“ Some things are very necessary for rock climbing such as proper clothing, equipment, techniques, and the nature of the cliffs ”). Moreover, some of the information provided by the author appears to be confused and doesn’t fit in with the rest of essay (“ Rock climbing is pitons are metal pegs that are pounded into the cracks in the rocks. It is also good to have a snap link that is attshched to a piton and a rope is pulled through a link ”). Such incomplete development makes it difficult for the reader to understand the story or learn much about rock climbing.

Organization

It is not easy to execute a meaningful organizational strategy in such a short essay. The author has some success beginning and ending the essay with appropriate introductory and concluding remarks (“ Have you ever gone rock Climbing … It is very fun because you want to reach the top because it is cool ”). The body of the essay, however, lacks any sense of organization or transition – it is jumbled and fails to display a unified structure.

Language Use & Style

The level of language used by the author is simple, although not necessarily inappropriate for this task. This essay does suffer, however, due to the author’s relative inability to use words and sentences to communicate adequately with the audience. Upon completing this essay, the reader may feel that s/he really didn’t learn anything about rock climbing. Basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage further compound this problem (“ Rock Climbing is a little easy, once you get to know about climbing the rocks and putting your feet in the small openings ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This short essay is marred by the author’s inability to control the co nventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“ Rock climbing is pitons are metal pegs that are pounded into the cracks in the rocks. It is also good to have a snap link that is attshched to a piton and a rope is pulled through a link ”), punctuation, and spelling (“ attshched ”) get in the way of the author communicating his/her message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Let me tell you something about the Rock Climbing.

To Rock Climbing you need equipment, special clothing, pitons, special shoes, chuck stones, ropes and hammers. Techniques you need lieback, first jam and bridge.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay fails to establish a controlling idea that would link information from the text to the task (“ Let me tell you something about the Rock Climbing”). Indeed, it is unlikely that this author really understands the text or the purpose of the task.

Content & Development

Aside from simply listing some of the types of equipment and climbing techniques that might be used, the author fails to provide any details to support the storyline. Such i nadequate development cannot communicate a complete message to the intended audience.

Organization

A single introductory sentence opens this essay (“ Let me tell you something about the Rock Climbing ”). Otherwise, no attempt is made to organize this response or use transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of words and sentences in this essay is woefully inadequate. Basic errors mar the few sentences developed (“ To Rock Climbing you need equipment ”), and it is not clear whether the author is truly addressing the intended audience or simply copying certain words from the text.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response is marked by an i nadequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Errors in grammar (“ To Rock Climbing you need equipment ”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ lieback ”) detract from an already sparse presentation.

Spread of the Black Death

In Martha Deeringer's article " The Black Death ," the spread and cause of the dread disease are described in detail. In a multi-paragraph essay, describe a problem that enabled the disease to be transmitted quickly to a widespread area and a possible solution to the spread of the disease. Support your discussion with evidence from the text.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Black Death

The Black Death, also known as the Bubonic Plague, spread throughout Europe and Asia in the 14th century. The deadly disease killed about half of the population of Europe. The Black Death continued for five years, but slowed during the winter months. Back then, infectious diseases spread quickly due to large numbers of people. Compared to most bubonic plagues, the Black Death was the worst. The plague was a widespread illness. The Black Death was given that suitable name because of the black spots that formed on the skin of diseased people. The medieval people did not know that sanitation was important to their lives, so fleas were a part of everyday living in the 14th century. There were many negative and positive effects, which changed the society in Europe forever. The Black Death left medieval people with many unanswered questions.

The symptoms of the Black Death were gruesome. Symptoms are defined as indicators that reveal that something exists. The symptoms began to appear when a flea that had been infected with the disease bit the host. A host is defined as a living organism. The symptoms initiated when the diseased person developed a severe headache. The headache was followed by exhaustion or fatigue. Soon one developed chills. Shortly after, a diagnosis of a high fever was eminent. Days later, the sick or diseased person noticed a change. The change was the body of the victim was soon covered in tumors and/or purple splotches (neck, under the armpit, groin, etc.). The tumors were encircled by a red ring and grew to the size of an egg. The lumps became extremely painful. They soon became hard and turned black. The lumps were often called buboes, in the term of The Bubonic Plague. The Bubonic Plague is defined as a deadly disease that spreads rapidly and is carried on to person to person. Unfortunately, the sick even smelled as if they were going to die. The diseased person vomited incessantly or coughed up blood. Unusual pus and blood oozed from sores. The sick also had a medical condition called Delirium. Delirium is specifically defined as a temporary condition of the mind in which one is very restless and excited, has strange visions, and keeps talking wildly. Delirium sometimes occurs during a fever or in some forms of insanity. Those who contracted the symptoms of the Bubonic Plague were ticking time bombs of death. Some would say a person would eat lunch with friends, and have dinner with ancestors. This references that the disease killed so quickly; it was unexpected. People were known to die within a couple of days.

The Bubonic Plague was quickly spread and started in Central Asia. The Black Death occurred when Europe was trading with the East. Some medieval Europeans were aware of the mysterious disease sweeping throughout Asia in the 1330s. From Central Asia, the disease moved along an established trading route, passing through Turkestan and the Black Sea region. (It was also known as Crimea and the Byzantine Empire). The story started in 1347, in Kaffa, a town now in modern day Ukraine. Known as a Genoese trading post, it came under attack by a Tartar army. As the Tartars were killed by the plague, the Genoese, at first, rejoiced. They believed God had answered their prayers and punished their enemies, rather than them. But the celebration ended when the Tartars began launching the corpses of the plague victims over the walls of the city. The smell didn't kill the Genoese, of course, but unfortunately, the plague did. The devastated and panicked Genoese threw the corpses back and submerged the bodies into the water. But it was no use; they had already been exposed to the deadly disease. As the dying Tartars retreated, the Genoese fled by ship to Sicily, taking the Bubonic Plague with them to Europe. As they arrived in Europe, aboard the ship were dead and dying sailors with black swellings in their armpits and the groins. Although the ships were immediately ordered to be retrieve from port, the damage was already done. Once it hit Europe, the Bubonic Plague moved quickly, traveling at an average speed of 2.5 miles per day. From the Mediterranean ports, the disease took two paths: one through France that eventually made its way to England and Ireland and the other path, going through Italy and straight throughout Austria and Germany. This is how the Bubonic plague was quickly spread.

Europeans were susceptible to disease because many people lived in crowded surroundings in an era when personal hygiene was not considered important. The people of medieval times often ate stale or diseased meat. Europeans did this because refrigeration had not yet been invented. Another reason why the Bubonic Plague continually spread is because the 14th century people did not think that hygiene was important. This meant they did not bathe because they thought that bathing would open the pores. This, they assumed, meant the disease would develop in them as well. This is not true because sanitation was one of the core reasons why the Bubonic Plague spread so quickly. Sanitation is important because it helps prevents fleas. Unfortunately, fleas were the catalyst for the Bubonic Plague spreading. As the cycle illustrates, the fleas, which were infected with the disease, lived on the host. Now, if the host had bathed or used sanitary precautions on a daily basis, the disease would often go away. But since the Europeans thought that bathing would bring the Bubonic Plague to them, they ignored sanitary habits and were infested with fleas. Another reason why the disease spread quickly was because Europeans permitted animals to live with them, especially, the rats. The rats were infested with the fleas. As the rats lived in the homes with the people, they began spreading their fleas to the rest of the households. This would mean the fleas found a member of the house for the host, shortly after the Bubonic Plague, making the host diseased.

There are many positive and negative events leading to the Bubonic Plague. Beginning with the negatives that occurred through the 14th century, fleas were a part of everyday lives in The Middle Ages. Everyday lives were infested with fleas. That is because the medieval time did not take sanitation as a priority. They did not consider sanitation as an everyday life concern. In fact, they thought that sanitation or bathing would open their pores and make them more susceptible to the disease. The Europeans lived in homes in crowded or overwhelming conditions. To make things worse, they shared their homes with flea-infested animals. All of these factors made this epidemic the perfect storm; one that these people would never recover from, in the midst of despair.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of the causes for the spread of the Black Death.

The essay captures the readers’ attention by very effectively describing the deadly disease known as the Black Death. (“ The Black Death was given that suitable name because of the black spots that formed on the skin of diseased people. The medieval people did not know that sanitation was important to their lives, so fleas were a part of everyday living in the 14th century. There were many negative and positive effects, which changed the society in Europe forever. The Black Death left medieval people with many unanswered questions. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ The symptoms of the Black Death were gruesome. Symptoms are defined as indicators that reveal that something exists. The symptoms began to appear when a flea that had been infected with the disease bit the host. A host is defined as a living organism. The symptoms initiated when the diseased person developed a severe headache. The headache was followed by exhaustion or fatigue. Soon one developed chills. Shortly after, a diagnosis of a high fever was eminent. Days later, the sick or diseased person noticed a change. The change was the body of the victim was soon covered in tumors and/or purple splotches [neck, under the armpit, groin, etc.]. ”)

The writer explores the many factors that contributed to the spread of the Black Death. (“ But the celebration ended when the Tartars began launching the corpses of the plague victims over the walls of the city. The smell didn't kill the Genoese, of course, but unfortunately, the plague did. The devastated and panicked Genoese threw the corpses back and submerged the bodies into the water. But it was no use; they had already been exposed to the deadly disease. As the dying Tartars retreated, the Genoese fled by ship to Sicily, taking the Bubonic Plague with them to Europe. As they arrived in Europe, aboard the ship were dead and dying sailors with black swellings in their armpits and the groins. Although the ships were immediately ordered to be retrieve from port, the damage was already done. Once it hit Europe, the Bubonic Plague moved quickly, traveling at an average speed of 2.5 miles per day. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details from the text for support.

Relevant points from the text explain and illustrate the main causes of the spread of the Black Death. (“Europeans were susceptible to disease because many people lived in crowded surroundings in an era when personal hygiene was not considered important. The people of medieval times often ate stale or diseased meat. Europeans did this because refrigeration had not yet been invented. Another reason why the Bubonic Plague continually spread is because the 14th century people did not think that hygiene was important. This meant they did not bathe because they thought that bathing would open the pores. This, they assumed, meant the disease would develop in them as well. This is not true because sanitation was one of the core reasons why the Bubonic Plague spread so quickly.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“ Sanitation is important because it helps prevents fleas. Unfortunately, fleas were the catalyst for the Bubonic Plague spreading. As the cycle illustrates, the fleas, which were infected with the disease, lived on the host. Now, if the host had bathed or used sanitary precautions on a daily basis, the disease would often go away. But since the Europeans thought that bathing would bring the Bubonic Plague to them, they ignored sanitary habits and were infested with fleas. Another reason why the disease spread quickly was because Europeans permitted animals to live with them, especially, the rats. The rats were infested with the fleas. As the rats lived in the homes with the people, they began spreading their fleas to the rest of the households. ”)

Specific and relevant information from the text is developed very effectively. (“ The Bubonic Plague is defined as a deadly disease that spreads rapidly and is carried on to person to person. Unfortunately, the sick even smelled as if they were going to die. The diseased person vomited incessantly or coughed up blood. Unusual pus and blood oozed from sores. The sick also had a medical condition called Delirium. Delirium is specifically defined as a temporary condition of the mind in which one is very restless and excited, has strange visions, and keeps talking wildly. Delirium sometimes occurs during a fever or in some forms of insanity. Those who contracted the symptoms of the Bubonic Plague were ticking time bombs of death. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating pertinent background information about the deadly disease. (“The Black Death, also known as the Bubonic Plague, spread throughout Europe and Asia in the 14th century. The deadly disease killed about half of the population of Europe. The Black Death continued for five years, but slowed during the winter months. Back then, infectious diseases spread quickly due to large numbers of people. Compared to most bubonic plagues, the Black Death was the worst. The plague was a widespread illness. The Black Death was given that suitable name because of the black spots that formed on the skin of diseased people. The medieval people did not know that sanitation was important to their lives, so fleas were a part of everyday living in the 14th century. There were many negative and positive effects, which changed the society in Europe forever. The Black Death left medieval people with many unanswered questions.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ The story started in 1347, in Kaffa, a town now in modern day Ukraine. Known as a Genoese trading post, it came under attack by a Tartar army. As the Tartars were killed by the plague, the Genoese, at first, rejoiced. They believed God had answered their prayers and punished their enemies, rather than them. But the celebration ended when the Tartars began launching the corpses of the plague victims over the walls of the city. The smell didn't kill the Genoese, of course, but unfortunately, the plague did. The devastated and panicked Genoese threw the corpses back and submerged the bodies into the water. But it was no use; they had already been exposed to the deadly disease. As the dying Tartars retreated, the Genoese fled by ship to Sicily, taking the Bubonic Plague with them to Europe. As they arrived in Europe, aboard the ship were dead and dying sailors with black swellings in their armpits and the groins. Although the ships were immediately ordered to be retrieve from port, the damage was already done. ”)

The writer includes an ending that summarizes main points and gives the readers a sense of closure. (“There are many positive and negative events leading to the Bubonic Plague. Beginning with the negatives that occurred through the 14th century, fleas were a part of everyday lives in The Middle Ages. Everyday lives were infested with fleas. That is because the medieval time did not take sanitation as a priority. They did not consider sanitation as an everyday life concern. In fact, they thought that sanitation or bathing would open their pores and make them more susceptible to the disease. The Europeans lived in homes in crowded or overwhelming conditions. To make things worse, they shared their homes with flea-infested animals. All of these factors made this epidemic the perfect storm; one that these people would never recover from, in the midst of despair.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the many symptoms and repercussions of contracting the Black Death. (“ The symptoms initiated when the diseased person developed a severe headache. The headache was followed by exhaustion or fatigue. Soon one developed chills. Shortly after, a diagnosis of a high fever was eminent. Days later, the sick or diseased person noticed a change. The change was the body of the victim was soon covered in tumors and/or purple splotches [neck, under the armpit, groin, etc.]. The tumors were encircled by a red ring and grew to the size of an egg. The lumps became extremely painful. ”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ Europeans were susceptible to disease because many people lived in crowded surroundings in an era when personal hygiene was not considered important. The people of medieval times often ate stale or diseased meat. Europeans did this because refrigeration had not yet been invented. Another reason why the Bubonic Plague continually spread is because the 14th century people did not think that hygiene was important. This meant they did not bathe because they thought that bathing would open the pores. This, they assumed, meant the disease would develop in them as well. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the response. (“ Unfortunately, the sick even smelled as if they were going to die. The diseased person vomited incessantly or coughed up blood. Unusual pus and blood oozed from sores. The sick also had a medical condition called Delirium. Delirium is specifically defined as a temporary condition of the mind in which one is very restless and excited, has strange visions, and keeps talking wildly. Delirium sometimes occurs during a fever or in some forms of insanity. Those who contracted the symptoms of the Bubonic Plague were ticking time bombs of death. Some would say a person would eat lunch with friends, and have dinner with ancestors. This references that the disease killed so quickly; it was unexpected. People were known to die within a couple of days. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ The story started in 1347, in Kaffa, a town now in modern day Ukraine. Known as a Genoese trading post, it came under attack by a Tartar army. As the Tartars were killed by the plague, the Genoese, at first, rejoiced. They believed God had answered their prayers and punished their enemies, rather than them. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Over the course of history, there have been many pandemics. Some were mild, but some were devastating and catastrophic. One of the most horrible is the Black Death, a terrifying disease that killed at least 1/3 of Europe's population during the Middle Ages. The social order broke down, and villages were thrown into chaos. War, famine, bad weather and hunger had already weakened the society, making people even more vulnerable. An early record says: "Brother abandoned Brother, and parents left their dying children." It was truly an abominable period of history. Everywhere you went, the plague was there also.

The plague originated in China, 1333, where it ravaged and killed 5 million people. Sailors from China tried to escape, but were already infected. They sailed to Italy, and even though they ordered the ships out of the harbor immediately, it was too late. The damage was done. People in China also tried to escape on a path to Europe called "The Silk Road", but they too were already infected, which spread it across a different part of the country. The Black Death began to advance across Europe, leaving mass death and sorrow in its wake.

The illness began with a headache. Fever and chills soon developed. Next the buboes revealed themselves. Buboes are large, hard, painful black bumps that appeared on the neck, armpit, and groin. Buboes are very big, and some can grow to the size of an egg, with red rings circling them. Next, black patches and boils showed on skin. Within a few days of these signs, the person would die. Death caused hemorrhaging, which spread the disease. The number of casualties was so great, that most of the dead would be left to rot in their houses.

Most people think that rats caused the spreading, but it was actually the fleas on the rats that held the disease. With loads of trash and waste, the rat thrived, and so did the fleas. After the rat that the fleas were on died, the fleas would move on to a human host. People in The Middle Ages lived in very close quarters, which spread the pandemic at the speed of sound, because people could contract the disease from each other with little effort. Most people didn't realize that hygiene was very important. In the right conditions, the disease could be an airborne virus as well. All these conditions add up to make this disease spread fast and kill fast, which was a terrible thing for the people.

Many people tried to find a remedy for the Black Death. But since the majority of them weren't official doctors, their tries failed. A process called "Bloodletting" was a possible cure during The Middle Ages. During the process, the patient made a cut in their arm, and allowed all the "Bad Blood" to drain out. What this really did was make them even more vulnerable to the disease! Some doctors thought that the virus was caused by bad spirits in the head, so, they tried cutting a hole in the patient's skull to extricate them. Amazingly, a few survived this gruesome process. What they really needed to do was keep houses clean, and free of waste, and maintain proper hygiene. Sadly, no one realized this, so all in all, everything they attempted made it worse!

All living in Europe were relieved when the disease died down during the winter, but were terrified when it thrived in springtime. Eventually, after decades of suffering and death, the pandemic died down. Unfortunately, it kept cropping up for over 400 years, in Russia, Iceland, Italy, England, and Austria. Today, the disease isn't gone forever, but there is a working cure that can stop the virus if it is not too late. Catching it is pretty rare, so you don't have to worry. Just hope that you don't contract it anyway, because it is truly malodorous!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement in the introduction. (“ Over the course of history, there have been many pandemics. Some were mild, but some were devastating and catastrophic. One of the most horrible is the Black Death, a terrifying disease that killed at least 1/3 of Europe's population during the Middle Ages. The social order broke down, and villages were thrown into chaos. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ The illness began with a headache. Fever and chills soon developed. Next the buboes revealed themselves. Buboes are large, hard, painful black bumps that appeared on the neck, armpit, and groin. Buboes are very big, and some can grow to the size of an egg, with red rings circling them. Next, black patches and boils showed on skin. Within a few days of these signs, the person would die. Death caused hemorrhaging, which spread the disease. The number of casualties was so great, that most of the dead would be left to rot in their houses. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“ Some doctors thought that the virus was caused by bad spirits in the head, so, they tried cutting a hole in the patient's skull to extricate them. Amazingly, a few survived this gruesome process. What they really needed to do was keep houses clean, and free of waste, and maintain proper hygiene. Sadly, no one realized this, so all in all, everything they attempted made it worse! ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details from the text for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details from the text to explain main ideas. (“ Most people think that rats caused the spreading, but it was actually the fleas on the rats that held the disease. With loads of trash and waste, the rat thrived, and so did the fleas. After the rat that the fleas were on died, the fleas would move on to a human host. People in The Middle Ages lived in very close quarters, which spread the pandemic at the speed of sound, because people could contract the disease from each other with little effort. Most people didn't realize that hygiene was very important. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“ Many people tried to find a remedy for the Black Death. But since the majority of them weren't official doctors, their tries failed. A process called ‘Bloodletting’ was a possible cure during The Middle Ages. During the process, the patient made a cut in their arm, and allowed all the ‘Bad Blood’ to drain out. What this really did was make them even more vulnerable to the disease! Some doctors thought that the virus was caused by bad spirits in the head, so, they tried cutting a hole in the patient's skull to extricate them. Amazingly, a few survived this gruesome process. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The plague originated in China, 1333, where it ravaged and killed 5 million people. Sailors from China tried to escape, but were already infected. They sailed to Italy, and even though they ordered the ships out of the harbor immediately, it was too late. The damage was done. People in China also tried to escape on a path to Europe called ‘The Silk Road’, but they too were already infected, which spread it across a different part of the country. The Black Death began to advance across Europe, leaving mass death and sorrow in its wake.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Over the course of history, there have been many pandemics. Some were mild, but some were devastating and catastrophic. One of the most horrible is the Black Death, a terrifying disease that killed at least 1/3 of Europe's population during the Middle Ages. The social order broke down, and villages were thrown into chaos. War, famine, bad weather and hunger had already weakened the society, making people even more vulnerable. An early record says: ‘Brother abandoned Brother, and parents left their dying children.’ It was truly an abominable period of history. Everywhere you went, the plague was there also. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ Most people think that rats caused the spreading, but it was actually the fleas on the rats that held the disease. With loads of trash and waste, the rat thrived, and so did the fleas. After the rat that the fleas were on died, the fleas would move on to a human host. People in The Middle Ages lived in very close quarters, which spread the pandemic at the speed of sound, because people could contract the disease from each other with little effort. Most people didn't realize that hygiene was very important. In the right conditions, the disease could be an airborne virus as well. All these conditions add up to make this disease spread fast and kill fast, which was a terrible thing for the people. ”)

The conclusion indicates that the disease still exists in some parts of the world today. This gives readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ All living in Europe were relieved when the disease died down during the winter, but were terrified when it thrived in springtime. Eventually, after decades of suffering and death, the pandemic died down. Unfortunately, it kept cropping up for over 400 years, in Russia, Iceland, Italy, England, and Austria. Today, the disease isn't gone forever, but there is a working cure that can stop the virus if it is not too late. Catching it is pretty rare, so you don't have to worry. Just hope that you don't contract it anyway, because it is truly malodorous! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the essay. Appropriate language and word choices, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are evident throughout the response. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the overall message .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Most people think that rats caused the spreading, but it was actually the fleas on the rats that held the disease. With loads of trash and waste, the rat thrived, and so did the fleas. After the rat that the fleas were on died, the fleas would move on to a human host. People in The Middle Ages lived in very close quarters, which spread the pandemic at the speed of sound, because people could contract the disease from each other with little effort. Most people didn't realize that hygiene was very important. In the right conditions, the disease could be an airborne virus as well. All these conditions add up to make this disease spread fast and kill fast, which was a terrible thing for the people.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ The illness began with a headache. Fever and chills soon developed. Next the buboes revealed themselves. Buboes are large, hard, painful black bumps that appeared on the neck, armpit, and groin. Buboes are very big, and some can grow to the size of an egg, with red rings circling them. Next, black patches and boils showed on skin. Within a few days of these signs, the person would die. Death caused hemorrhaging, which spread the disease. The number of casualties was so great, that most of the dead would be left to rot in their houses.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the devastation caused by the spread of the Black Death. (“ The plague originated in China, 1333, where it ravaged and killed 5 million people. Sailors from China tried to escape, but were already infected. They sailed to Italy, and even though they ordered the ships out of the harbor immediately, it was too late. The damage was done. People in China also tried to escape on a path to Europe called ‘The Silk Road’, but they too were already infected, which spread it across a different part of the country. The Black Death began to advance across Europe, leaving mass death and sorrow in its wake. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer ensures, for the most part, that all sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Some doctors thought that the virus was caused by bad spirits in the head, so, they tried cutting a hole in the patient's skull to extricate them. Amazingly, a few survived this gruesome process. What they really needed to do was keep houses clean, and free of waste, and maintain proper hygiene. Sadly, no one realized this, so all in all, everything they attempted made it worse!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Tragedy of the Black Death

In the early 1330's a disease called the Black Death, also known as the bubonic plague, broke out in Asia and quickly spread to Europe. When you get the plague you will have a headache, leading to a fever, then you would get big red boils the size of eggs and you'd eventually die. In this essay I will explain about the way people got the plague, the cures that doctors came up with and the way that the bubonic plague spread.

Usually rats were the ones to get the plague. Fleas would bite the rats and bite people giving those people the plague. The people did not understand the importance of staying clean. They rarely washed their hands or took baths, they dumped garbage on the streets, and they had dirt floors in their houses often sharing their homes with animals. This type of environment attracted the rats and fleas. One solution to the plague would be being clean. If they used good sanitation and cleaned their homes then they would be able to stop the plague before it even began. The only reason the rats came was because of the garbage everywhere.

The cures that the doctors came up with were unusual and made the people die faster if they did anything at all. Some doctors tried bloodletting, which is making a cut in the patient's skin and squeezing the blood out. Other doctors tried attaching leeches to the patients skin to suck the blood out. Some religious people believed that the plague was a punishment for sinners and whipped themselves to show how sorry they were. Those people blamed the Jews and other religious groups, which led to fighting. If the doctors back then were properly educated or had modern antibiotics then the plague would be cured for many people. Today with the doctors and antibiotics someone could be easily cured if they had the bubonic plague. Sadly the doctors back then were not educated.

The bubonic plague was very contagious. It was transferred by touch. In 1347 ships traveled from Asia to Italy and the plague spread to Italy. Once the plague spread to Italy it quickly spread to the rest of the world. One of the ways everyone could avoid spreading the disease would be to not travel as much. If they kept traveling to a minimum then they would not spread the plague.

In this essay I have told you about, how the plague originated, the cures that doctors came up with and the way the plague spread. The Black Death was a terrible tragedy. It is sad that the people had to go through it. I hope you learned a lot from this essay.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea and a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task are revealed. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement reveals the points the writer will address in the essay response. (“In this essay I will explain about the way people got the plague, the cures that doctors came up with and the way that the bubonic plague spread.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the possible causes for the spread of the Black Death. (“If the doctors back then were properly educated or had modern antibiotics then the plague would be cured for many people. Today with the doctors and antibiotics someone could be easily cured if they had the bubonic plague. Sadly the doctors back then were not educated. The bubonic plague was very contagious. It was transferred by touch. In 1347 ships traveled from Asia to Italy and the plague spread to Italy. Once the plague spread to Italy it quickly spread to the rest of the world. One of the ways everyone could avoid spreading the disease would be to not travel as much. If they kept traveling to a minimum then they would not spread the plague.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Usually rats were the ones to get the plague. Fleas would bite the rats and bite people giving those people the plague. The people did not understand the importance of staying clean. They rarely washed their hands or took baths, they dumped garbage on the streets, and they had dirt floors in their houses often sharing their homes with animals.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details from the text for support.

The essay uses adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“The cures that the doctors came up with were unusual and made the people die faster if they did anything at all. Some doctors tried bloodletting, which is making a cut in the patient's skin and squeezing the blood out. Other doctors tried attaching leeches to the patients skin to suck the blood out. Some religious people believed that the plague was a punishment for sinners and whipped themselves to show how sorry they were. Those people blamed the Jews and other religious groups, which led to fighting.”)

The explanations used to clarify the main ideas from the text are adequate. (“Usually rats were the ones to get the plague. Fleas would bite the rats and bite people giving those people the plague. The people did not understand the importance of staying clean. They rarely washed their hands or took baths, they dumped garbage on the streets, and they had dirt floors in their houses often sharing their homes with animals. This type of environment attracted the rats and fleas. One solution to the plague would be being clean. If they used good sanitation and cleaned their homes then they would be able to stop the plague before it even began. The only reason the rats came was because of the garbage everywhere.”)

The writer should expand on ideas in each body paragraph. Giving examples or using direct quotes from the text would give the writer’s assertions more credibility. (“The bubonic plague was very contagious. It was transferred by touch. In 1347 ships traveled from Asia to Italy and the plague spread to Italy. Once the plague spread to Italy it quickly spread to the rest of the world. One of the ways everyone could avoid spreading the disease would be to not travel as much. If they kept traveling to a minimum then they would not spread the plague.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by describing some of the symptoms present at the onset of the Black Death. (“ In the early 1330's a disease called the Black Death, also known as the bubonic plague, broke out in Asia and quickly spread to Europe. When you get the plague you will have a headache, leading to a fever, then you would get big red boils the size of eggs and you'd eventually die. In this essay I will explain about the way people got the plague, the cures that doctors came up with and the way that the bubonic plague spread. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ Usually rats were the ones to get the plague. Fleas would bite the rats and bite people giving those people the plague. The people did not understand the importance of staying clean. They rarely washed their hands or took baths, they dumped garbage on the streets, and they had dirt floors in their houses often sharing their homes with animals. This type of environment attracted the rats and fleas.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. However, he/she should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas and attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ In this essay I have told you about, how the plague originated, the cures that doctors came up with and the way the plague spread. The Black Death was a terrible tragedy. It is sad that the people had to go through it. I hope you learned a lot from this essay. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The people did not understand the importance of staying clean. They rarely washed their hands or took baths, they dumped garbage on the streets, and they had dirt floors in their houses often sharing their homes with animals. This type of environment attracted the rats and fleas.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the circumstances and causes of the Black Death to the intended audience. (“ Some religious people believed that the plague was a punishment for sinners and whipped themselves to show how sorry they were. Those people blamed the Jews and other religious groups, which led to fighting. If the doctors back then were properly educated or had modern antibiotics then the plague would be cured for many people. Today with the doctors and antibiotics someone could be easily cured if they had the bubonic plague. Sadly the doctors back then were not educated.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ The bubonic plague was very contagious. It was transferred by touch. In 1347 ships traveled from Asia to Italy and the plague spread to Italy. Once the plague spread to Italy it quickly spread to the rest of the world. One of the ways everyone could avoid spreading the disease would be to not travel as much. If they kept traveling to a minimum then they would not spread the plague.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ The cures that the doctors came up with were unusual and made the people die faster if they did anything at all. Some doctors tried bloodletting, which is making a cut in the patient's skin and squeezing the blood out. Other doctors tried attaching leeches to the patients skin to suck the blood out.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Black Plague

The black plague was a horrible disease that was caused by trash, rats and fleas. The symptoms of the disease were headaches, chills, fever and lumps on your neck, under your arms and in your groin.These hard lumps were the size of eggs that would turn black over time.

The disease swept through Europe and Asia during the middle ages. One of the problems was that the doctors were to scared to care for the sick because they did not want to get the plague so they did not try. Something that doctors and nurses could have done sooner to help cure the black plague would have been to make quarantine suits earlier so they could have done more tests to find a cure.

Another problem was that they could not bury them when they died because the people burying the dead would get sick and then they would die. So they just left them were they died even if it was in the middle of the street? To quarantine them they would lock them in a little dungeon cell with a bunch of people that also had the black plague and then would leave them to die.

One big problem was that nobody knew the cause and because of this they stated to blame religions for poisoning the water. This caused everyone turned against one another. They mostly blamed the Jews of poising the water but the Jews got the black plague at the same time so this made not sense. The only reason they blamed the Jews was because they didn't like them and were prejudice towards the Jews. Instead of being prejudice towards the the Jews, they should have worked together to more quickly find a cure.

In this story I told you a lot about what caused the black plague and how they handled it. I also told you about who they blamed for causing the black plague and how this was wrong. I hope you learned something new about the black plague from reading this story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details from the text that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“ The disease swept through Europe and Asia during the middle ages. One of the problems was that the doctors were to scared to care for the sick because they did not want to get the plague so they did not try.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. He/she attempts to address some of the causes for the spread of the Black Death, but the descriptions and support from the text are limited at best. (“Another problem was that they could not bury them when they died because the people burying the dead would get sick and then they would die. So they just left them were they died even if it was in the middle of the street? To quarantine them they would lock them in a little dungeon cell with a bunch of people that also had the black plague and then would leave them to die.”)

The writer should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the contributing factors that led to the spread of the Black Death. Including specific quotes from the text would bring credibility to the writer’s assertions. (“One big problem was that nobody knew the cause and because of this they stated to blame religions for poisoning the water. This caused everyone turned against one another. They mostly blamed the Jews of poising the water but the Jews got the black plague at the same time so this made not sense. The only reason they blamed the Jews was because they didn't like them and were prejudice towards the Jews. Instead of being prejudice towards the the Jews, they should have worked together to more quickly find a cure.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details from the text for support.

The essay uses limited details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“One big problem was that nobody knew the cause and because of this they stated to blame religions for poisoning the water. This caused everyone turned against one another. They mostly blamed the Jews of poising the water but the Jews got the black plague at the same time so this made not sense.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“To quarantine them they would lock them in a little dungeon cell with a bunch of people that also had the black plague and then would leave them to die.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The writer should reference ideas in the text to support assertions and insights. (“Something that doctors and nurses could have done sooner to help cure the black plague would have been to make quarantine suits earlier so they could have done more tests to find a cure.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer provides some background information from the text but does not state a clear thesis that would guide the readers through the response. (“ The black plague was a horrible disease that was caused by trash, rats and fleas. The symptoms of the disease were headaches, chills, fever and lumps on your neck, under your arms and in your groin.These hard lumps were the size of eggs that would turn black over time.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ Another problem was that they could not bury them when they died because the people burying the dead would get sick and then they would die. So they just left them were they died even if it was in the middle of the street? To quarantine them they would lock them in a little dungeon cell with a bunch of people that also had the black plague and then would leave them to die.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“ In this story I told you a lot about what caused the black plague and how they handled it. I also told you about who they blamed for causing the black plague and how this was wrong. I hope you learned something new about the black plague from reading this story.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

There is weak sentence structure in many portions of the response. (“ One big problem was that nobody knew the cause and because of this they stated to blame religions for poisoning the water. This caused everyone turned against one another. They mostly blamed the Jews of poising the water but the Jews got the black plague at the same time so this made not sense.”)

The writer demonstrates limited style and voice in the essay. (“ The disease swept through Europe and Asia during the middle ages. One of the problems was that the doctors were to scared to care for the sick because they did not want to get the plague so they did not try. Something that doctors and nurses could have done sooner to help cure the black plague would have been to make quarantine suits earlier so they could have done more tests to find a cure.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ In this story I told you a lot about what caused the black plague and how they handled it. I also told you about who they blamed for causing the black plague and how this was wrong. I hope you learned something new about the black plague from reading this story.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Black Death was a terrible disease that spread through Asia and Europe during the middle ages that eventually killed one third of Europe's population. The Black Death started with a headache, soon a fever and chills occurred then swellings occurred on the neck armpit and groin. The swellings then began to turn blackThe many problems about the Black Death are the death rate, the quality of the houses being built, the cleanness of all of the citizens, the trade ships coming into the port, the heath of the citizens, garbage is every where, and finally how many people are in one place.

The solutions that I have are to isolate the infected people from the non-infected people stop trade with foreign countries, build better houses and make better living quarters, and get medicine for the disease and train doctors better, and finally we must try to stop the spread of the disease to the non-infected people. I must ask to also take care in checking cargo coming from foreign countries. We should build more houses that are better quality And now I take my leave good-bye!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“ The Black Death was a terrible disease that spread through Asia and Europe during the middle ages that eventually killed one third of Europe's population.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the causes and possible solutions to the spread of the Black Death. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“The solutions that I have are to isolate the infected people from the non-infected people stop trade with foreign countries, build better houses and make better living quarters, and get medicine for the disease and train doctors better, and finally we must try to stop the spread of the disease to the non-infected people.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. He/she should review the prompt carefully and identify what informational aspects should be included that would communicate a comprehensive message to the intended audience. (“I must ask to also take care in checking cargo coming from foreign countries. We should build more houses that are better quality And now I take my leave good-bye!”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“The Black Death started with a headache, soon a fever and chills occurred then swellings occurred on the neck armpit and groin. The swellings then began to turn blackThe many problems about the Black Death are the death rate, the quality of the houses being built, the cleanness of all of the citizens, the trade ships coming into the port, the heath of the citizens, garbage is every where, and finally how many people are in one place.”)

In the two-paragraph essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“ The solutions that I have are to isolate the infected people from the non-infected people stop trade with foreign countries, build better houses and make better living quarters, and get medicine for the disease and train doctors better, and finally we must try to stop the spread of the disease to the non-infected people.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text that give the readers a clear picture of what may have contributed to the transmission of the Black Death, and what the possible solutions could have been to stop the spread of the disease. (“The swellings then began to turn blackThe many problems about the Black Death are the death rate, the quality of the houses being built, the cleanness of all of the citizens, the trade ships coming into the port, the heath of the citizens, garbage is every where, and finally how many people are in one place.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing and, furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Black Death was a terrible disease that spread through Asia and Europe during the middle ages that eventually killed one third of Europe's population. ”)

There is little use of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The solutions that I have are to isolate the infected people from the non-infected people stop trade with foreign countries, build better houses and make better living quarters, and get medicine for the disease and train doctors better, and finally we must try to stop the spread of the disease to the non-infected people. ”)

The essay fails to include a strong conclusion. (“ I must ask to also take care in checking cargo coming from foreign countries. We should build more houses that are better quality And now I take my leave good-bye! ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“ The swellings then began to turn blackThe many problems about the Black Death are the death rate, the quality of the houses being built, the cleanness of all of the citizens, the trade ships coming into the port, the heath of the citizens, garbage is every where, and finally how many people are in one place.”)

Sentence structures are weak; the writer combines thoughts that are not related to one another. (“ We should build more houses that are better quality And now I take my leave good-bye!”)

Often, the writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. (“ I must ask to also take care in checking cargo coming from foreign countries. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the overall communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“The swellings then began to turn blackThe many problems about the Black Death are the death rate, the quality of the houses being built, the cleanness of all of the citizens, the trade ships coming into the port, the heath of the citizens, garbage is every where, and finally how many people are in one place.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In 1348, in Europe, most people were dying from sickness. the doctors tired the medicine, but it didn't work. The black death was spreading out in the houses, even other places. The fleas were on rats, and then they moved to the people. It was worst ever. The doctors couldn't find a way to get the people get better. the blue-purple bumps was called the bubonic plague. The bubonic plague was worst ever, that people had.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer fails to sustain a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the text or the purpose of the task and the intended audience. He/she does not succeed in adequately completing any parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from the text to communicate clear and convincing ideas. (“ the doctors tired the medicine, but it didn't work.”)

The writer states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details from the text. (“ The black death was spreading out in the houses, even other places. The fleas were on rats, and then they moved to the people. It was worst ever.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“the blue-purple bumps was called the bubonic plague. The bubonic plague was worst ever, that people had.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details from the text for support.

Little or no evidence from the text is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. Direct quotations from the selection are not used to effectively support the topic. (“In 1348, in Europe, most people were dying from sickness. the doctors tired the medicine, but it didn't work.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“The black death was spreading out in the houses, even other places. The fleas were on rats, and then they moved to the people. It was worst ever.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“ The doctors couldn't find a way to get the people get better. the blue-purple bumps was called the bubonic plague.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. In addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In 1348, in Europe, most people were dying from sickness.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ the doctors tired the medicine, but it didn't work. The black death was spreading out in the houses, even other places. The fleas were on rats, and then they moved to the people.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ The bubonic plague was worst ever, that people had.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear and repetitive language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short. (“ It was worst ever. The doctors couldn't find a way to get the people get better.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ the blue-purple bumps was called the bubonic plague. The bubonic plague was worst ever, that people had.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“In 1348, in Europe, most people were dying from sickness. the doctors tired the medicine, but it didn't work.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Bill of Rights

The Bill of Rights grants protection to Americans on a daily basis. What does the Bill of Rights mean to you as an American Citizen? Why do you think it is important? How might your life be different without the rights it grants?

Write an essay in which you specifically discuss the rights that we as Americans enjoy because of these amendments.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Bill of Rights is a written document introduced to the world in 1689 on a Wednesday, March 4, about 500 years after the Magna Carta. The purpose of the Bill of Rights was to extend more rights or laws to American citizens. These rights or laws granted protection to the people then, and it still exists in society on a daily basis. The document is extremely meaningful to me, as I am an American citizen myself, and it is important to my life. Life would be different without the rights it grants not just to me, but also to everyone else. It is our life, our support, and our protection.

The Bill of Rights is a meaningful document to me. It has 10 rights or amendments in total. The first Amendment in the document states and means that all American citizens have freedom of speech and freedom of having their own religion-both practicing and believing in their own beliefs. In the second Amendment it states we, citizens, can have guns and can use them when necessary without getting in trouble by the government-not that I would buy one and use it. Third Amendment states that a citizen may not give shelter to the government’s agents if they do not want to. The fourth Amendment means that a citizen may not have their property inspected or their processions seized by the government agents if the agents do not contain a warrant that is specific in general what their purpose or motive for inspecting our property or seizing something of ours. In addition, the warrant must have the places, the people, and things it covers. Amendment five means that the government cannot take a citizen’s property without paying market value. The grand jury must charge a citizen first for a serious crime the citizen may have done, before the citizen is tried for that serious crime. Once the citizen is guilty, they may not be tried out again for the same crime. While the citizen is questioned by the jury, the citizen may choose not to say a thing if they do not want to. Amendment six states that a citizen’s trial cannot be held in secret nor cannot be held without the citizen having charges. Amendment seven means that once the jury makes a decision the court cannot change the decision. The eighth Amendment is about the bails, fines and punishments people have. However, the consequences must fit the citizen’s crime they did and it cannot be a cruel one. The ninth Amendment states we citizens have more rights than the rights of the Bill of Rights itself. In the tenth one, it tells us citizens that the powers the government has are the only ones stated on the Constitution and the rest of the rights or for us individuals or the states. The bill of Rights is an understandable document.

In life today, the Bill of Rights is essential to the citizens in numerous ways. In general, it lets us all citizens have freedom. Freedom of speech is an advantage to us because it is our way of letting our voice be heard and knowing that someone out there will listen. Having freedom of religion means happiness to me because it shows that no matter what we believe in we could believe it and not get in trouble or arrested by the government. If we are poor and do not have that much shelter or food to provide, we do not have to house the government’s agents if we do not want to. If the jury who finds out if we are guilty, questions us, we do not have to say a thing, and the jury cannot assume we are hiding something that might show we are guilty. We do not even have to fear that our property will be taken or processions be seized by the government because in order for that to occur they would need a warrant. Society has changed greatly from these rights.

If the rights that are stated on the Bill of Rights were not here today, life would be different. Life would be different because we, citizens, would not have rights for one. For two, we, who are not part of the government, would probably have nothing or a place to be shelter in because the government will seize them or it. We would have to agree on everything the government is doing and have no religion to ourselves or else prison is our new home. Life would be difficult because most of us probably would not be safe from the wars that are occurring in society. Perhaps we would die being killed by the wars because we are not protected. If we violated a law, we would probably suffer more than what we deserve to suffer. Thanks for these rights the Bill of Rights grants to us, citizens.

Today, life is a privilege, I think. I say this because without the rights the Bill of Rights grants to us, life for us, citizens, would not be worth living for. The government would have all the rights and that would be unfair because we all deserve to have rights since we are all living human beings. We may not all be treated equal, but we do have rights. The Bill of Rights was made to grant us rights, American citizens, and we should take them as an advantage. The Bill of Rights is our basic liberties and without these liberties, we would not have freedom. We would be living in a police state.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully maintains an insightful controlling idea. (“ The document is extremely meaningful to me, as I am an American citizen myself, and it is important to my life. Life would be different without the rights it grants not just to me, but also to everyone else. It is our life, our support, and our protection.”) Remaining focused on this controlling idea, which is exceptionally maintained and developed as the essay progresses, the student displays a thorough understanding of the text and its connection to the task. The essay certainly completes all parts of the assignment very effectively.

Content & Development

This essay uses a variety of information, including specific and accurate details, to support the author’s thesis. The first paragraph provides an overview of each amendment and what it essentially means. (“ The first Amendment in the document states and means that all American citizens have freedom of speech and freedom of having their own religion-both practicing and believing in their own beliefs.”) The second body paragraph details what the Bill of Rights means to us currently. (“We do not even have to fear that our property will be taken or processions be seized by the government because in order for that to occur they would need a warrant.”) The final paragraph illustrates what life would be like without the Bill of Rights. (“We would have to agree on everything the government is doing and have no religion to ourselves or else prison is our new home.”) This response demonstrates very effective content and development.

Organization

This essay is exceptionally well organized. The first paragraph explains the origins of the Bill of Rights and then develops a strong thesis. Each body paragraph is focused and begins with a strong topic sentence. (“ In life today, the Bill of Rights is essential to the citizens in numerous ways.”). The conclusion effectively sums up the author’s argument. (“Today, life is a privilege, I think. I say this because without the rights the Bill of Rights grants to us, life for us, citizens, would not be worth living for.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay has effective language use and word choice. Although there is the occasional confusing sentence (“ For two, we, who are not part of the government, would probably have nothing or a place to be shelter in because the government will seize them or it.”), most sentences are well-structured and varied. (“The document is extremely meaningful to me, as I am an American citizen myself, and it is important to my life.”) The author’s word choice is precise and a stylistic voice is defined. (“Freedom of speech is an advantage to us because it is our way of letting our voice be heard and knowing that someone out there will listen.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

While not completely free of errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar (“ The bill of Rights”) , this author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions of standard written English.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

As an American citizen, I think that the Bill of Rights is a very important part of my life. Without it, nobody would have the rights or freedom to do many of the things that we can do today. For example, to have the freedom of having different religions, the freedom of speech, and other things like that. The Bill of Rights's laws specify the rights and most cherished liberties of the American people and protect them from the whims of popular opinions and abusive government officials.

When I think about it, having the Bill of Rights means that we Americans get special rights that a lot of other countries don't get. And it makes me proud to be an American. We should always be aware of our rights and our duties as Americans. I know a lot of people don't care about these rights and don't understand it, but if the Bill of Rights was never written and put in the Constitution, then there will be a lot of arguments about the freedom of speech, the freedom of having different religions, and protection against unreasonable searches and seizures. It would be a big problem for the Congress if the Bill of Rights never existed.

What is the Bill of Rights about? Well, the first eight amendments talk about guarantees and liberties, and the rights of individuals. These first eight amendments, I think, are the most important amendments out of all the ten amendments. These first eight amendments also discuss a lot of the rights that Americans enjoy. We can all live an easier life and not have to worry much about anything. But then again, if the Bill of Rights never existed, a lot of people won't feel safe even in their own homes.

But another thing that I want to put in is that the first amendment has already mentioned the important rights out of the Bill of Rights. And those are the fundamental freedoms of speech and press, religion, as well as the right of the people to assemble and to petition a government.

Even the ninth amendment acknowledges that Americans have rights that are not even specified in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights. I think the first amendment already mentioned the most important rights. The ten amendments are the fundamental freedoms of speech government officials. The Bill of Rights grants protection to Americans everyday.

Because I am an American citizen, what the Bill of Rights mean to me is that we get special rights that a lot of countries don't get. So I think that Americans should be grateful for that. We should always be aware of our rights and our du t ies as Americans. I know that a lot of people don't care about the Bill of Rights, but if it was never written down, our country wouldn't be as safe, and there would definitely be a lot of arguments in Congress about the freedom of having different religions, the freedom of speech, and protection against unreasonable searches and seizures.

So now, in conclusion, I just want to say that because of the Bill of Rights and their amendments, Americans don't have to worry too often. And as an American, I think that we are all lucky that we have these rights to enjoy. And also that we can have lesser problems and everyone can live a better and happier life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the text and the assigned task by establishing a strong controlling idea. (“ The Bill of Rights's laws specify the rights and most cherished liberties of the American people and protect them from the whims of popular opinions and abusive government officials.“) By maintaining and developing this idea throughout the response, the author is able to make clear connections between the text and the task. (“if the Bill of Rights was never written and put in the Constitution, then there will be a lot of arguments about the freedom of speech, the freedom of having different religions, and protection against unreasonable searches and seizures.”)

Content & Development

The author develops ideas fully and clearly by using accurate and relevant details from the Bill of Rights. In this response, several of the amendments are discussed and appreciated. (“ Well, the first eight amendments talk about guarantees and liberties, and the rights of individuals.”) The student also illustrates what our lives would be like without the Bill of Rights. (“But then again, if the Bill of Rights never existed, a lot of people won't feel safe even in their own homes.”) This essay, however, could be improved by further elaborating on specific amendments and how they personally affect this individual.

Organization

The response demonstrates a mostly unified structure. The introductory paragraph is well- structured and ends with a strong thesis statement that pulls together the entire essay. The body paragraphs, however, could be better structured with stronger and more focused topic sentences. The paragraphs do, however, include good transitional devices. (“in conclusion”, “But another thing” and “But then again”) The concluding paragraph sums up this student’s point of view. (“And as an American, I think that we are all lucky that we have these rights to enjoy. And also that we can have lesser problems and everyone can live a better and happier life.”)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates appropriate word choice and language use, as well as some evidence of voice. (“The Bill of Rights's laws specify the rights and most cherished liberties of the American people and protect them from the whims of popular opinions and abusive government officials.”) Most sentences are well-structured, although some can be a bit confusing. (“ But another thing that I want to put in is that the first amendment has already mentioned the important rights out of the Bill of Rights.”) Overall, the essay exhibits good language use and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

Generally, the response shows good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Minor errors do appear (“ The Bill of Rights's”) , but they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have freedom! I am an American citizen in the United States . The Bill of Rights means alot to me as a person. Without the Bill of rights I wouldn't have my freedom of speech or my freedom at all! The Bill of Rights also provides us with the right of a fair and speedy trial. That helps me alot because if I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and someone broke a vase and ran off, the owner of the vase must suspect me as the person who broke their vase. I would be put in jail immediately. Thanks to the Bill of Rights I would have a chance to explain myself. It is also important to the United States of America because without its ten amendments alot of people would be dead, harmed, or in jail right now.

Bill of Rights got started In the summer of 1787, delegates from the 13 states convened in Philadelphia and drafted a remarkable blueprint for self-government. That blueprint was the Constitution of the United States . Its first draft set up a system of checks and balances that included a strong executive branch, a representative legislature and a federal judiciary. The Constitution was remarkable, but deeply flawed. For one thing, it did not include a specific declaration or bill of individual rights. It specified what the government could do but did not say what it could not do. For another, it did not apply to everyone.

The Bill of Rights also stops the government from making us believe in what religion. When you go out to shop, for a walk, or even just to stare at our beautiful country, you will see alot of different people. That is what makes America unique. Do you know why there are so many different races in America ? Well the Bill of Rights made that happen.The Bill of Right lets us exercise one's own religion, or no religion, free from any government influence or compulsion. There are so many different races here in America . Some of those races are Asians, Latinos, African Americans, Jews, and Muslims.

America is a safe country. That is because the Bill of Rights gives us the freedom to own weapons. That means that we could keep weapons at our very own homes. If America was at war and we lost, soldiers from other countries would be coming to America . They can come here all they want but they are not coming in our homes. We can refuse to let in any soldier into home because of the Bill of Rights.

I don't know what I am going to do without the Bill of Rights. I might not even be living in a nice neighborhood anymore. Who knows, I can be living in the streets because America doesn't have a Bill of Rights. America is a great nation. Without the Bill of Rights America isn't the same. Is that how you want America to be remembered?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate response to this prompt and a basic understanding of the assigned task by establishing a controlling idea. (“ It is also important to the United States of America because without its ten amendments alot of people would be dead, harmed, or in jail right now.”) The author shows an understanding of the purpose of the task and makes connections with the text.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas adequately, making references to the text. (“The Bill of Right lets us exercise one's own religion, or no religion, free from any government influence or compulsion.”) The first paragraph discusses how this document originated. (“Bill of Rights got started In the summer of 1787, delegates from the 13 states convened in Philadelphia and drafted a remarkable blueprint for self-government. That blueprint was the Constitution of the United States .”) The following paragraph explores the importance of the document in the development of our country. (“There are so many different races here in America . Some of those races are Asians, Latinos, African Americans, Jews, and Muslims.”) The last body paragraph illustrates how this country’s safety is closely related to the Bill of Rights.

Organization

This essay constructs a generally unified structure. The introductory paragraph begins with an attention-getter (“ I have freedom! I am an American citizen in the United States .”) and goes on to establish a thesis statement. The subsequent body paragraphs are focused, but would be further improved with strong topic sentences. The author does, however, incorporate transitional devices (“For one thing…”). The concluding paragraph adequately summarizes the author’s points. (“ America is a great nation. Without the Bill of Rights America isn't the same.”)

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is accurate, and the sentences are well-structured with some variety. (“ The Constitution was remarkable, but deeply flawed. For one thing, it did not include a specific declaration or bill of individual rights. It specified what the government could do but did not say what it could not do.”) Additionally, the author makes an attempt at providing voice. (“ The Bill of Rights also provides us with the right of a fair and speedy trial. That helps me alot because if I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and someone broke a vase and ran off, the owner of the vase must suspect me as the person who broke their vase. I would be put in jail immediately. Thanks to the Bill of Rights I would have a chance to explain myself.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author commits few errors in grammar (“ We can refuse to let in any soldier into home”) , mechanics, punctuation, or spelling (“ alot”) , and they do not significantly interfere with the meaning.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Bill of Rights is very important to me because it gives me lots of freedom. If it weren't for the bill of rights I wouldn't have what I have now. The Bill of Rights gives me a lot of rights, such as freedom of speech. I am allowed to say what I want without getting into trouble. I have the right to speak my mind with freedom. I also have the right to be protected and carry a gun. Just in case someone breaks into my house I have the right to keep a gun with me. If it wasn't for the bill of rights I wouldn't be as protected. The Bill of Rights mean a lot to me as a American Citizen. My life would be a lot different if I didn't have the Bill of Rights to help me with my freedom. I would always be getting in trouble because I always speak my mind and I would probably get in trouble for it, because the Bill Of Rights help me with my freedom of speech.

I have the right to privacy in my own home. No one is allowed to come in unless they have a warrant. This is good for me because if it wasn't for these rights anybody would be able to come in my house and would not be arrested for breaking in and entering. I also have the right to taking the 5th. Which means I don't have to answer anything I have the right to not be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against myself. One of the most important rights I have is the innocent until proven guilty. So if I was in trial people would need evidence to say I was innocent. Thats a very good right to have especially for the troublemakers. To know that hey at least have a chance to prove their stories. Now the next amendment is good one. It states that excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. That amendment is good to me because if someone were to punish me for a stupid reason I have the bill of rights to back me up.

The Last Amendment of the Constitution says that all these rights apply to everyone. Which is the best part because everybody gets good benefits including me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author makes an obvious attempt at understanding the text (“ My life would be a lot different if I didn't have the Bill of Rights to help me with my freedom. I would always be getting in trouble because I always speak my mind and I would probably get in trouble for it, because the Bill Of Rights help me with my freedom of speech.”) but does not effectively establish a clear controlling idea or focus. This student makes few connections between the text and the task and only partially understands the assignment and audience.

Content & Development

Ideas in this essay are briefly, but not adequately, developed. The author provides some accurate and relevant details. The first paragraph discusses the importance of freedom (“ I am allowed to say what I want without getting into trouble.”), but does not fully elaborate the ideas. The next paragraph attempts to further explain the importance of this document by identifying what rights this student has (“I have the right to privacy in my own home. No one is allowed to come in unless they have a warrant. This is good for me because if it wasn't for these rights anybody would be able to come in my house and would not be arrested for breaking in and entering.”) but makes no meaningful connections or explanations.

Organization

Although this response consists of three paragraphs, the organization is quite limited. The introduction does an adequate job of explaining how important the Bill of Rights is, but does not help guide the subsequent paragraphs. The second paragraph has no clear focus and appears to simply be an extension of the first paragraph’s point—why it is important that we have a Bill of Rights. The conclusion is limited because it only consists of two lines and adds to the controlling idea rather than summarizing the argument. (“The Last Amendment of the Constitution says that all these rights apply to everyone. Which is the best part because everybody gets good benefits including me.”)

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is quite simple (“I am allowed to say what I want without getting into trouble.”), it is not inappropriate for its audience. The word choice, however, lacks sufficient variety and complexity. (“I would always be getting in trouble because I always speak my mind and I would probably get in trouble for it.”) An attempt at voice is evident, but the author doesn’t demonstrate appropriate audience awareness. (“That amendment is good to me because if someone were to punish me for a stupid reason I have the bill of rights to back me up.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Few errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation (“ To know that hey at least”) interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I were living in a world today were the police would have rights to go into strangers houses and search every thing without a wornt, I would definitley not like it. Some people could be doing things that the Law in state mite not want their American Citizen to be doing. So if the police kept following the state's law with the Bill Of Rights maybe some people mite acctualy feel safe Inside their house. So instead of the American Citizens being scared of doing things inside their own houses they should feel free to do anything they want.

If we did not have The Bill Of Rights I would not have any rights to be working on this asighnment right about now. I also would not have any rights to listen to the kind of music I listen to, or to wear the kinds of clothes I wear now.

So that is my opinoion on The Bill Of Rights. No, I would not like it if we did not have The Bill Of Rights today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response shows an unclear understanding of the text and the task. An attempt is made to establish a controlling idea (“ If we did not have The Bill Of Rights I would not have any rights to be working on this asighnment right about now.”), but it is unsure and vague. The author fails to make meaningful connections to the Bill of Rights and to address an appropriate audience.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The author uses few details from the text. (“ If I were living in a world today were the police would have rights to go into strangers houses and search every thing without a wornt, I would definitley not like it.”) The details he/she does incorporate are quite confusing, inaccurate, and irrelevant. (“Some people could be doing things that the Law in state mite not want their American Citizen to be doing. So if the police kept following the state's law with the Bill Of Rights maybe some people mite acctualy feel safe Inside their house.”) This essay fails to sufficiently develop a controlling idea with specific details and relevant examples.

Organization

Little evidence of structure is detected in this response. The three paragraphs are unfocused and lack structure. The first paragraph poorly introduces us to the topic (“ If I were living in a world today were the police would have rights to go into strangers houses and search every thing without a wornt, I would definitley not like it.”) and does not establish a controlling idea. The second paragraph is uncertain and lacks focus, and the conclusion is only two sentences in length. This essay lacks adequate paragraphing, transitions, and a proper structure.

Language Use & Style

The author uses poor language to communicate his/her ideas and seems unaware of the audience. Problems with sentence structure and word choice detract from meaning. (" So if the police kept following the state's law with the Bill Of Rights maybe some people mite acctualy feel safe Inside their house.”) This student has very minimal skill in language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with punctuation (“ feel safe Inside”) , grammar, and spelling (“ wornt “) question the author’s ability to control the conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Bill of Rights is important to me. It is important to me in many ways. If it didn't exist, the world probably wouldn't be the same. America has helped many other counties. People wouldn't have as many rights. There would be so much toucher and injustice. Women wouldn't have careers.

If America wouldn't have had The Bill of Rights, America would have been horrible. Everyone would probably leave America . America wouldn't be the "Free Country." America would probably be lead by communist.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author fails to establish a controlling idea. He/she makes no connections between the task and the text, and demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of this assignment. (“ The Bill of Rights is important to me. It is important to me in many ways. If it didn't exist, the world probably wouldn't be the same. America has helped many other counties.”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop any meaningful ideas and provides virtually no details from the text for support. (“ People wouldn't have as many rights. There would be so much toucher and injustice. Women wouldn't have careers.”) This short response is an example of inadequate development.

Organization

In this short response, it is difficult to discern any organizational structure. There are two paragraphs, but there is no logic or focus in their structure. The essay lacks an adequate introduction, appropriate body paragraphs, transitional devices, and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although the author appears to possess a vocabulary not wholly inappropriate for his/her grade level (“ If it didn't exist, the world probably wouldn't be the same”) , it is difficult to discern the appropriateness of his/her language use in such a short response. Word choice and sentence structure seem to be lacking.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors somewhat interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with punctuation (“Country." America ”) , grammar, and spelling (“ toucher “) question the author’s ability to control the conventions of writing.

The Clean Machine

Read “Clean Driving: The Green Machine and the Power of Electricity.” You are Henri Laurent. Write a speech to deliver at the International Auto Show to convince those visitors to buy your Green Machine. Use details from the passage to support your speech.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Welcome ladies and gentlemen! I am really glad you are here today, folks! My new invention, the Green Machine, will change the world as we know it. Hold on to your seats as I amaze you with the greatest invention the world has ever laid its eyes on since the computer.

Everyone knows that these gas powered cars we are using today are causing alot of pandemonium. For one thing, the gas prices would even make Bill Gates faint, and the green house effect is worsening by the day. We have even tried electric cars, and obviously, it didn't work. Consumers say these cars still cannot drive very far of fast, and they cannot hold alot of weight. To try to fix these complaints, car makers have tried to produce hybrid vehicles. Hybrid cars, as most of you know, have engines powered by electricity and gas. These cars still produce pollution, but not as much as the average gas powered car. Consumers still might be a little uninterested and hesitant, so I came up with a new non-polluting way to get around.

As for some of the more aged and wise people among the audience, you already know that electric cars are not a new creation. The first electric car was invented in 1899 be a Belgian man, named Camille Jenatzy. Jenatzy's car traveled sixty-six miles per hour. When people found out about this new bizarre invention, they grew fond of it and the electric car grew very popular among the crowd. Of the cars registered in the American Northeast of the year 1900, 800 of the 2,300 cars were powered by electricity. Up until the 1930s, the electric car continued to be used among the consumers. But soon, people like you, began to crave for a car that would drive longer distances. As a result, the electric engine was abandoned. Electric engines, unfortunately, cannot drive increasingly long distances. As a result of its error, the electric automobile was abandoned. So, people started using gas powered cars again and as you can see, air quality has worsened. We want our Earth to be healthy, and the Green Machine will definitely cure the Earth of its pollution.

Most of you are probably wondering, "When is he going to tell us about the Green Machine, already?" Well, here it is. I asked myself a question. "Why do people not like electric cars?" The answer was so easy, I didn't know why I didn't see it before. Electric cars do not go as far of fast enough for there liking. My electric car is like a Gasser, but about ten times better. There is a secret to my invention that will make the Green Machine the next world changing invention. Usually, an electric car has to stop every couple of hours to recharge. This recharging can even take up to an hour! This is the upmost inconvenient situation. The Green Machine will solve this crisis with its hands tied behind its back. This car charges itself as it drives! The car sill must come to a complete halt to fully charge up, but on the car still will provide power for itself as it drives.

One of the many secrets of the Green Machine is that it recharges itself through friction. It is completely marvelous! Critics might think it is not possible, but see for yourselves. Anything is possible when you put your mind to it. I know my system works, for I have driven a Green Machine to work for the past six months. I find the Green Machine simply miraculous and so will you. Once you try it out, you will be satisfied with what you get, and you will be helping the Earth live a longer, and happier life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

From the snappy opening (“Hold on to your seats as I amaze you with the greatest invention the world has ever laid its eyes on since the computer”) to the exhaustive conclusion (“Once you try it out, you will be satisfied with what you get, and you will be helping the Earth live a longer, and happier life”), the author of this essay remains focused on the central thesis. S/he s hows a deep understanding of the passage text and the purpose of the writing task and makes convincing, insightful connections between passage text and writing task through the central idea.

Content & Development

Rather than simply tying together a series of reasons to purchase a Clean Machine, this author takes a less direct route to convince the reader of its value. In the second paragraph, for example, the author highlights the need for an alternative vehicle (“ Everyone knows that these gas powered cars we are using today are causing alot of pandemonium ”). In the third paragraph, the author discusses previous unsuccessful attempts at creating an alternative vehicle (“ As a result of its error, the electric automobile was abandoned ”). Finally, in the fourth paragraph, the author begins to address how the Clean Machine can both alleviate the problems mentioned in the second paragraph as well as overcome the limitations mentioned in the third paragraph (“ Most of you are probably wondering, "When is he going to tell us about the Green Machine, already?" Well, here it is”). This thorough development strategy is quite convincing, draws artfully on information presented in the passage text, and leads the reader inexorably to the conclusion (“Once you try it out, you will be satisfied with what you get, and you will be helping the Earth live a longer, and happier life”).

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized, d emonstrating a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction (“ Hold on to your seats as I amaze you with the greatest invention the world has ever laid its eyes on since the computer ”) and a strong conclusion (“ I find the Green Machine simply miraculous and so will you ”). The body paragraphs are tightly focused around their respective main ideas and flow well from one to the next while still skillfully refocusing the reader back to the value of the Clean Machine (“ Consumers still might be a little uninterested and hesitant, so I came up with a new non-polluting way to get around ” and “ We want our Earth to be healthy, and the Green Machine will definitely cure the Earth of its pollution ”).

Language Use & Style

The author generally uses language well in conveying his or her main idea to the appropriate audience. The reader can find evidence of sophisticated vocabulary (“ pandemonium ”) as well as the author’s voice (“ For one thing, the gas prices would even make Bill Gates faint, and the green house effect is worsening by the day ” and “ The Green Machine will solve this crisis with its hands tied behind its back ”). Despite a few minor errors in word choice (“ causing alot ,” “ We have even tried electric cars, and obviously, it didn't work ,” and “ for there liking ”), the author uses well-structured and varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

Although a few minor errors are present in this essay, the author’s grasp of the mechanics and conventions of writing remains strong nonetheless. Few noticeable errors in grammar (“ these gas powered cars ”), mechanics, punctuation, or spelling (“ upmost ”) are present.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Reduce! Reuse! Recycle!" How can we begin to do that? We can do that with my Green Machine, of course. Hello, I am Henri Laurent, and I am the inventor of the Green Machine. My Green Machine will revolutionize driving, and perhaps even save our Earth. We all want to save the Earth, don't we? My Green Machine is inexpensive, clean running, and just as good, if not better, than your environmentally-damaging gasoline powered car.

The Green Machine is one of the most inexpensive cars on the market. Not only is the retail price one of the lowest in the nation, but with all the money you save by using electricity instead of gas, you could easily save enough for a Carribean vacation within five years. Electricity is much cheaper than gas is. In fact, electricity costs half as much as an equal amount of gasoline! See, if you buy my Green Machine, you're that much closer to a new house, or that Carribean vacation.

Aside from saving money with the Green Machine, you'll also be saving the environment. Since the Green Machine doesn't run on gasoline, it doesn't release all the harmful exhaust into the atmosphere. I know that I'd like for my children and grandchildren to live in a beautiful world, and we can't keep our world beautiful if we're polluting it with hazardous fumes from using gasoline. The Green Machine is powered by friction; since you can always make more friction, you don't have to worry about running out of it, or having it pollute the Earth. Friction is what is happening when you scrape sandpaper across a piece of wood; there is a slim chance that it could pollute the environment. The Green Machine will help keep our Earth beautiful, instead of turning Earth into the smog center of the universe.

Many people think that there's no way that an electric car could go as far, or as fast, as its gasoline-powered counterpart. I have news for those people; the Green Machine can! It doesn't have to stop to charge up, because it can charge up while its moving. This means it has unending power to easily rival that of a gas guzzling Dodge or Chevy. The Green Machine is one of the best ways we can help the environment, and you don't have to sacrifice speed to do it.

Personally, I am a huge fan of the Green Machine; I've been driving one for the past six months. I don't have any complaints about it. So far, I've saved upwards of six hundred dollars by not having to buy gasoline. I have a clean conscience because I know that I haven't been contributing to this environmental mess of pollution that we have. I also have felt that I haven't had to sacrifice anything, because my Green Machine feels like it goes just as fast as my old gasoline-powered car. The best advice I can give you, is to buy one of my Green Machines. I know that you'll never regret it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author remains tightly focused on arranging and presenting reasons for the reader to purchase a Clean Machine. A clever and catchy opening (“’ Reduce! Reuse! Recycle!’ How can we begin to do that? We can do that with my Green Machine, of course. Hello, I am Henri Laurent, and I am the inventor of the Green Machine”) sets the stage for the sales pitch that is to come. Overall, the author s hows a thorough understanding of the passage text and the purpose of the task and makes clear connections between them through the central idea.

Content & Development

In describing the benefits of the Clean Machine for the reader, the author cites a number of relevant details from the text and creatively enhances them (“ with all the money you save by using electricity instead of gas, you could easily save enough for a Carribean vacation within five years ” and “ it doesn't release all the harmful exhaust into the atmosphere. I know that I'd like for my children and grandchildren to live in a beautiful world”). The effect of this persuasive strategy is not only to convey the meaning of the passage text to the reader, but also to make it more relevant and convincing. Finally, the author also supplies a personal testimony (“Personally, I am a huge fan of the Green Machine; I've been driving one for the past six months. I don't have any complaints about it”). The development of these ideas on multiple levels makes for a very convincing essay.

Organization

As noted, the introduction of the essay is compelling and quickly grabs the reader’s attention (“‘ Reduce! Reuse! Recycle!’ How can we begin to do that ”), but the conclusion is similarly strong (“ The best advice I can give you, is to buy one of my Green Machines. I know that you'll never regret it”). Note that each paragraph summarizes for the reader the author’s key points in order to focus the reader’s attention on the issues the author feels are most important. The body paragraphs are linked by effective transitional sentences (“Aside from saving money with the Green Machine, you'll also be saving the environment”) and flow well from beginning to end.

Language Use & Style

Throughout this essay, the author uses language adeptly to communicate his or her ideas to the intended audience. We can identify several examples of daring, punchy sentences that highlight the author’s unique voice (“ We all want to save the Earth, don't we,” “I have news for those people; the Green Machine can,” and “This means it has unending power to easily rival that of a gas guzzling Dodge or Chevy”). Few errors in word choice or sentence structure have been allowed to interfere with the author’s central thesis.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates g ood control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Few distracting errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation or spelling (“ Carribean ”) can be detected.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, I can't wait to tell you all about my latest invention the Green Machine. I created the green machine because I felt there was a need for this type of a car in today's industry. As you now, gasoline prices keep going up, and gasoline powered cars are hazardous to the environment. Because of those reasons and many more, there is a demand for an electric powered car. Many have tried making those type of cars with varying success.

My green machine is different then any other electric powered car, it can go farther and faster than any of the others. The Green machine is first totallty electric car that can drive as long and as far as a tradional gas powered car.

Along with being environmentaly sound and being just as effective in driving than a normal car, this greeen machine is also very inexpensive. In the long run, you will see that my car will take a lot less out of your wallet than any other car. We also provide a lifetime warranty on your car, and we assure you it is ten times less likely to break down than the tradional car.

I truly believe that this car can save this earth from environmental destruction. We need to end this, and taking more consideration to place that we live and our future generations will have to live. The biggest problem with most electric cars is that they can't be driven for long distances. This car is unlike the other electric ars in this area. In fact it has been tested that can go over five hundred miles before the car needs to refuel. The secret to this break through, is thatI was able to find away to get the car to charge itself while it drives.

Now that you know the advantages of this car, do yourself a favor and give it at least a test drive. I guarentee you will enjoy this car. So if you want to drive just as fast , but want to save the environment while at the same time saving money, than the green machine is the car for you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response is adequately focused on communicating to the reader the benefits of the Clean Machine (“ I can't wait to tell you all about my latest invention the Green Machine. I created the green machine because I felt there was a need for this type of a car in today's industry ”). The author shows a basic understanding of the text and makes appropriate connections between the passage text and task through the central idea.

Content & Development

In presenting the value of the Clean Machine to the reader, the author cites and develops a number of the benefits described in the passage text (“ this greeen machine is also very inexpensive” and “I truly believe that this car can save this earth from environmental destruction” ). The author goes one step further when s/he adds that the Clean Machine “ is ten times less likely to break down than the tradional car .” This essay is likely to sway the reader to, as the author notes, “ give it at least a test drive.”

Organization

In the area of organization, this essay betrays its key weakness. While both the introduction and conclusions are appropriately developed (“ Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, I can't wait to tell you all about my latest invention the Green Machine” and “ Now that you know the advantages of this car, do yourself a favor and give it at least a test drive ”), the body paragraphs are somewhat muddled. Note that some of the ideas introduced in the second paragraph (“ car that can drive as long and as far as a tradional gas powered car ”) are touched on again in the fourth paragraph (“ it has been tested that can go over five hundred miles before the car needs to refuel ”). The same confusion can be identified between the third and fourth paragraphs (“ Along with being environmentaly sound ” and “ save this earth from environmental destruction ”). The general impact of the body paragraphs would be improved if the author grouped his/her ideas together in a more uniform manner.

Language Use & Style

Throughout this essay, the author uses language that is appropriate given the task and audience and sentences that are appropriately structured (“ I truly believe that this car can save this earth” and “the green machine is the car for you ”). Still, the essay is not without error, and a few errors in usage and structure could be improved (“ different then any other electric powered car ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the author maintains a dequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in grammar, mechanics (“ We need to end this, and taking more consideration to place that we live and our future generations will have to live ”), punctuation, and spelling (“ totallty ” and “ environmentaly“) are present, although they do not generally detract from the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear visitors to this show, today I am hear to inform you about my newest creation, I call it the Green Machine and it is going to revolutionize the car world as we know it. To start off I should tell you what the Green Machine has that regular cars don't. The biggest thing that you might notice is that my car is electric, and this can help our world in many ways. First, because of the other cars, we have global warming. Now I'm not trying to blame global warming on cars, but they are a big contributor to it. The main reason for this is because they burn fossil fuels. By burning fossil fuels, the runoff is thrust into the atmosphere and the ozone layer starts to develop holes. The second biggest reason why you should buy my car is because it will save you money. You figure that the average person purchases gas two to four times a week, and gas on average costs twenty to twenty-five dollars every time you but it. That adds up to over sixty dollars a week. Next, My car has all of the features of a regular car and more. To sum it all up, my car can go as fast and as far as a regular car. It costs a lot less, and it will not deplete the ozone, because it does not burn fossil fuels.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows a l imited amount of focus on the assigned topic. The author does inform the reader of his or her purpose (“ Dear visitors to this show, today I am hear to inform you about my newest creation, I call it the Green Machine and it is going to revolutionize the car world as we know it ”) at the outset of the essay and the balance of the essay retains this perspective. Still, the number of connections the author draws between the central thesis and the passage text are limited, thereby reducing the overall persuasiveness of this response.

Content & Development

Several pertinent details are extracted from the passage text and provided to the reader to support the author’s central claim about the value of the Clean Machine. The reader can detect at least three distinct supporting arguments (“ my car is electric, and this can help our world in many ways ,” “ it will save you money ,” and “ Next, My car has all of the features of a regular car and more ”). While appropriate, these details receive only a brief and inconsistent explanation from the author. In this way, the reader may be informed of some of the benefits of this new car, but s/he is unlikely to be convinced to buy one.

Organization

The ideas in this essay flow well enough from beginning to end, but failure to use paragraphing techniques to distinguish and enhance them limits the overall cohesiveness of this essay. Introductory (“ Dear visitors to this show, today I am hear to inform you about my newest creation ”) and concluding remarks (“ To sum it all up, my car can go as fast and as far as a regular car ”) surround several ideas which are set off by basic transitional devices (“ First, because … The second biggest reason … Next, My car has” ). The author ought to divide this essay into paragraphs that each supports a key portion of his or her argument.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language use is mostly appropriate for this task. The sentences show some variety and the author’s voice is evident in places (“ You figure that the average person purchases gas two to four times a week, and gas on average costs twenty to twenty-five dollars every time you but it. That adds up to over sixty dollars a week ”). Still, a few basic errors, such as in word choice (“ today I am hear to inform you ” and “ the runoff is thrust ”), could be improved.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author maintains fairly good control of the c onventions and mechanics of written English. A few errors in grammar, mechanics (“ Dear visitors to this show, today I am hear to inform you about my newest creation, I call it the Green Machine and it is going to revolutionize the car world as we know it ”), punctuation, and spelling are present, although they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

attention every one, I am here to tell you about my state of the art new car.......the Green Machine. I am very confident in my product to become an over whelming success. I will describe my car to you in the best fashion that I possible can.

in my newest car u can drive longer then most electric car. we have developed a system that can charge it's self while you are driving. though u must stop to fully charge. it will not only cut down on air pollution but be a technological break through.

this the one of the first steps in the right direction. If we can all abandion our gas cars and go buy eletric car (including the green machine) we might still be able to save our enviroment yet.

thank you for listening to me tell u about my wonderful new creation and please consider going out and buying it. thank you for your time

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author demonstrates a m inimal amount of focus on the assigned topic. While the opening paragraph does trumpet the author’s purpose (“ attention every one, I am here to tell you about my state of the art new car.......the Green Machine ... I will describe my car to you in the best fashion that I possible can”), the rest of the essay does not fully support this purpose or develop the author’s ideas. The author’s reasoning is often unclear, and the references made to the passage text in the second paragraph appear haphazard and fail to create a meaningful context within which the reader could evaluate the merits of the new car technology.

Content & Development

It is clear that this author has attempted to cite details from the text in the second paragraph (“ it will not only cut down on air pollution but be a technological break through ”) to convince the reader to purchase the Clean Machine. In addition, the author uses the third paragraph to draw additional conclusions about the value of this new technology (“ this the one of the first steps in the right direction … we might still be able to save our enviroment yet”). Yet, these attempts to convince the reader lack development and are, therefore, incomplete and inadequate. The reader might, for example, understand that this new car represents an important breakthrough, but the reader would be unlikely to appreciate the scope or import of this change.

Organization

The author has broken this essay into several paragraphs, including an introduction (“I will describe my car to you in the best fashion that I possible can”), body, and conclusion (“thank you for listening to me tell u about my wonderful new creation and please consider going out and buying it”). However, these paragraphs are each simple and disjointed, failing to unify the essay in a manner that enhances its meaning or readability.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language use is generally poor. While the essay appears to be directed at the appropriate audience (“ attention every one, I am here to tell you about my state of the art new car ”), the author’s choice of words does not always support this mission ( “ tell u about ” and “ though u must stop ” ). Basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage (“ it will not only cut down on air pollution but be a technological break through ”) further detract from the author’s message.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this response, the author demonstrates m inimal control of the conventions and mechanics of written English. Significant errors in grammar (“ that I possible can ”), mechanics (“ though u must stop to fully charge ”), punctuation, and spelling (“ abandion ” and “ enviroment ”) substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear visitors,

Please come to my car show and see the green machine and buy it and see if u like it. You would like the green machine it is very different and very interesting. If u wanted to see something different jus come to the car show and you will see different cars and exc.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response is only vaguely focused on the assigned task . The author superficially implores the reader to “Please come to my car show and see the green machine and buy it,” but fails to develop this theme any further. Lacking any meaningful references to the material presented in the passage text, this response makes no connections between text and task through a controlling or central idea.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author fails to use details from the text or outside knowledge to convince the reader of the advantages of the clean machine as an alternative vehicle. The author does say, “You would like the green machine it is very different and very interesting.” By itself, though, this statement is not specific enough to be considered convincing. Furthermore, the author contradicts him or herself by also writing, “If u wanted to see something different jus come to the car show and you will see different cars and exc.” Thus, this response f ails to develop persuasive ideas and uses no details to support the central thesis.

Organization

The single paragraph provided is unable, by itself, to demonstrate a unified structure. The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion and shows no evidence of transitional devices to link one discrete idea to the next.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple and, in some cases, emerges as inappropriate for a school writing assignment (“see if u like it” and “If u wanted”). Basic errors in sentence structure lead to run-on sentences that lack focus (“Please come to my car show and see the green machine and buy it and see if u like it”) and fail to highlight the author’s voice. In the end, the author demonstrates a marked lack of facility with the language.

Mechanics & Conventions

While not riddled with mechanical errors as are many essays earning a score of one, this short response nonetheless shows signs of weakness in the control of mechanics and conventions. Er rors in grammar, mechanics (“ You would like the green machine it is very different and very interesting ”), punctuation, and spelling (“ jus ” and “ exc ”) are present to interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The Effects of Social Media on Teens

Social media play a significant role in young adults' daily lives. Teens often tweet about what they had for breakfast, post updates to Facebook in between classes, or share their favorite photos with friends on Instagram. But what kind of impact do social media really have on teens today?

Experts in a wide range of fields have speculated on the effects of social media on teens. After reading expert opinions on the effects of social media on teens, write a multi-paragraph explanatory essay that compares and contrasts the authors' different viewpoints about the effects of social media on teens. Be sure to include key facts and details from your readings.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Over the last two decades, social media has made a tremendous impact on teenagers. From Myspace to Instagram, social networks have dominated this generation of teens. Social media is an excellent way to stay in touch with friends, but it also has some negative influences. According to a poll, more than half of adolescents log on to a social media site more than once a day. This reveals that teenagers are growing up with the influence of social media, which is a significant difference from teens in past generations. Different experts have different opinions on this issue; some think of social networking as a benefit and some think of it as a dreadful thing. The effect of social media on teens is an issue which has a positive side and a negative side.

Numerous experienced professionals report on how social networking has affected their lives in an affirmative way. An advantage to social media is that it is an exceptional way for youth to communicate with each other in amicable means. Eileen Masio monitors her daughter's Instagram account 24/7. Masio mentions that most of the comments she observes are uplifting such as "You're beautiful," "You're so pretty," "Oh my God, gorgeous." These comments show that social media results in making teens feel self-assured. In fact, according to a report by Common Sense Media, one in five teenagers claimed that social media makes than feel more confident. In addition to this, teens have also shown they can use social media to make their voices heard. Elena Sonnino, a social media strategist and writer, states that "Teenagers want to be able to see, for better or for worse, really quick action and social media allows them to create positive, meaningful change quickly." There are countless Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Google, YouTube, and Tumblr, accounts run by teens whose main intentions are to educate, help and entertain others. This demonstrates that teens are more confident online to express how they feel on certain topics. There are various reasons why social networking is an asset to teens.

Social media is highly beneficial to teenagers but, it also has some negative aspects as well. Most of the stories reported on the news are usually unfavorable. A substantial problem to social networking is cyberbullying. Although they know that what they are writing is public, people find it easier to say something harsh online instead to someone's face. The society today sometimes finds it difficult to deal with issues like this because it was never a problem only fifteen years ago. Teens also become addicted to social networks and are constantly checking their phones between classes, and competing between friends about who can receive the most "likes." Dr. Larry Rosen, a psychology professor at California State University reports that adolescents who frequently checked Facebook during study sessions showed lower grades than those who maintained a lengthy study session with no distractions. With spending excessive time on the internet, teens of this generation are more obese than ever in history. More social media means more time sitting on the couch and scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, not running around outside. Even though social media has negative sides, when it's used carefully and in control, it can be wonderful.

The world has changed so much in just a short period of time. Twenty years ago, cell phones did not even exist. Now kids as young as seven are on Instagram. Social media has an enormous impact on the current generation of teens. It can be used for great things, like spreading light on a good cause, but it can also be addicting. When teenagers are behind a screen, they somehow feel anonymous, but social media can also make a shy person more outgoing and confident. Social media is affecting this generation of teens in a powerful way, but when it's used carefully, social media can be an advantage.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the texts and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between texts and task through a clearly defined controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task, leaving the readers with a clear picture of how different experts have widely varying opinions on social media.

The writer engages the readers in the beginning of the essay by very effectively focusing the readers’ attention on the subject of social media. (“ Over the last two decades, social media has made a tremendous impact on teenagers. From Myspace to Instagram, social networks have dominated this generation of teens. Social media is an excellent way to stay in touch with friends, but it also has some negative influences. According to a poll, more than half of adolescents log on to a social media site more than once a day. This reveals that teenagers are growing up with the influence of social media, which is a significant difference from teens in past generations. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Different experts have different opinions on this issue; some think of social networking as a benefit and some think of it as a dreadful thing. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ Numerous experienced professionals report on how social networking has affected their lives in an affirmative way. An advantage to social media is that it is an exceptional way for youth to communicate with each other in amicable means. Eileen Masio monitors her daughter's Instagram account 24/7. Masio mentions that most of the comments she observes are uplifting such as ‘You're beautiful,’ ‘You're so pretty,’ ‘Oh my God, gorgeous.’ These comments show that social media results in making teens feel self-assured. In fact, according to a report by Common Sense Media, one in five teenagers claimed that social media makes than feel more confident. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the texts, using a variety of methods to include credible information from the texts (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

Details and direct quotes from the texts explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“ In addition to this, teens have also shown they can use social media to make their voices heard. Elena Sonnino, a social media strategist and writer, states that ‘Teenagers want to be able to see, for better or for worse, really quick action and social media allows them to create positive, meaningful change quickly.’ There are countless Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Google, YouTube, and Tumblr, accounts run by teens whose main intentions are to educate, help and entertain others. This demonstrates that teens are more confident online to express how they feel on certain topics. ”)

Relevant points explain and illustrate the negative aspects of social media very effectively. (“Social media is highly beneficial to teenagers but, it also has some negative aspects as well. Most of the stories reported on the news are usually unfavorable. A substantial problem to social networking is cyberbullying. Although they know that what they are writing is public, people find it easier to say something harsh online instead to someone's face. The society today sometimes finds it difficult to deal with issues like this because it was never a problem only fifteen years ago.”)

Specific information about the consequences of distracted learning situations and sedentary lifestyles is presented effectively. (“ Dr. Larry Rosen, a psychology professor at California State University reports that adolescents who frequently checked Facebook during study sessions showed lower grades than those who maintained a lengthy study session with no distractions. With spending excessive time on the internet, teens of this generation are more obese than ever in history. More social media means more time sitting on the couch and scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, not running around outside. ”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating statistics that show the upward trend in teen usage regarding social media. (“ Over the last two decades, social media has made a tremendous impact on teenagers. From Myspace to Instagram, social networks have dominated this generation of teens. Social media is an excellent way to stay in touch with friends, but it also has some negative influences. According to a poll, more than half of adolescents log on to a social media site more than once a day. This reveals that teenagers are growing up with the influence of social media, which is a significant difference from teens in past generations. Different experts have different opinions on this issue; some think of social networking as a benefit and some think of it as a dreadful thing. The effect of social media on teens is an issue which has a positive side and a negative side. ”)

Subtle transitions are used effectively to connect ideas within paragraphs and between sentences. (“Social media is highly beneficial to teenagers but, it also has some negative aspects as well. Most of the stories reported on the news are usually unfavorable. A substantial problem to social networking is cyberbullying. Although they know that what they are writing is public, people find it easier to say something harsh online instead to someone's face. The society today sometimes finds it difficult to deal with issues like this because it was never a problem only fifteen years ago. Teens also become addicted to social networks and are constantly checking their phones between classes, and competing between friends about who can receive the most ‘likes.’”)

The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ The world has changed so much in just a short period of time. Twenty years ago, cell phones did not even exist. Now kids as young as seven are on Instagram. Social media has an enormous impact on the current generation of teens. It can be used for great things, like spreading light on a good cause, but it can also be addicting. When teenagers are behind a screen, they somehow feel anonymous, but social media can also make a shy person more outgoing and confident. Social media is affecting this generation of teens in a powerful way, but when it's used carefully, social media can be an advantage. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ An advantage to social media is that it is an exceptional way for youth to communicate with each other in amicable means. Eileen Masio monitors her daughter's Instagram account 24/7. Masio mentions that most of the comments she observes are uplifting such as ‘You're beautiful,’ ‘You're so pretty,’ ‘Oh my God, gorgeous.’ These comments show that social media results in making teens feel self-assured. In fact, according to a report by Common Sense Media, one in five teenagers claimed that social media makes than feel more confident.”)

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate social media’s negative influences. (“ Dr. Larry Rosen, a psychology professor at California State University reports that adolescents who frequently checked Facebook during study sessions showed lower grades than those who maintained a lengthy study session with no distractions. With spending excessive time on the internet, teens of this generation are more obese than ever in history. More social media means more time sitting on the couch and scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, not running around outside. ”)

The writer demonstrates use of a strong voice throughout the essay. (“ The world has changed so much in just a short period of time. Twenty years ago, cell phones did not even exist. Now kids as young as seven are on Instagram. Social media has an enormous impact on the current generation of teens. It can be used for great things, like spreading light on a good cause, but it can also be addicting. When teenagers are behind a screen, they somehow feel anonymous, but social media can also make a shy person more outgoing and confident. Social media is affecting this generation of teens in a powerful way, but when it's used carefully, social media can be an advantage. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ In fact, according to a report by Common Sense Media, one in five teenagers claimed that social media makes than feel more confident. In addition to this, teens have also shown they can use social media to make their voices heard. Elena Sonnino, a social media strategist and writer, states that ‘Teenagers want to be able to see, for better or for worse, really quick action and social media allows them to create positive, meaningful change quickly.’”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many bad things going on in social media, but at the same time there are many good things. I've read and watch many videos that explain how they are bad and how they are good. I am going to explain my point of view of why it's bad and why it's good.

I am going to start off with the good news first. First, we have the obvious: communication. We are living in a time where the world is open to us. We can contact anyone around the world, at any time, with just a few keystrokes. It is free, unlike calling across the ocean, and live. We can also share elements of our life, from what we enjoy to photos of ourselves and those in our lives. It is like being a part of that person's world, even though distance keeps you apart. We also have the communication between people and businesses. Since they have paved a new way for contact between the two, customers can now tell brands exactly what they want. Businesses can then use that information to tailor their products of more appeal. They used to have to spend a ton of cash for this kind of marketing data. Customers used to have to spend hours on phones getting more and more frustrated when they had a problem or complaint. (article 2)

There are also causes and information. Social media has made it possible for like-minded individuals to discuss important topics, widen their personal knowledge and discover things they never knew before. For example, young people around the world are now more involved than ever in their country's politics. The last presidential elections in the US are proof of that. Social media has donated to that increase in a big way. That is some of the good side of it. Non-profits are seeing the benefits of using social media for their awareness campaigns. Sites like Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and others are a cost effective means of spreading the word and getting support. Not to mention socially shared petitions from sites like Causes.org, reaching hundreds of thousands of people. There is no doubt that there are many reasons to love social media. (Just from video 1 from my access http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/16/living/teens-on-social-media-like-and-fomo-anxiety-digital-life/ ) (also 2 http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/21/living/social-media-positives-teens-parents/)

Now let's go to the bad news. There many bad things going on and we don't know it. But not all consequences of this technology are good ones. Like the way it has allowed us to hide behind screens and limited our social interaction face to face. You get the feeling of being social without having to go out and socialize. In the same vein, it gives you the feeling of being a friend (or having friends) without having to put in any actual work to build the relationship. Just think of how many people you have on your Facebook friends list. How many of them do you see on a semi-regular basis? At all? Then we have the issue of how it has taken over our lives. I hate being out in public and seeing people on their phones. Seeing them talking never bothered me as long as they weren't being obnoxious. Nor does sending off a quick text bug me; maybe they are meeting someone and telling them where they are, or something. It is the obvious Facebooking or tweeting or whatever else that keeps people's eyes glued to their phones.

I never check social media sites when I am out doing something. Whether it is grocery shopping, getting dinner with friends or waiting in line, it is just so impolite. It also shows a serious problem with distraction in today's society. We can't enjoy the world around us for an hour without retreating back into that safe little digital box. Productivity is pretty much shot thanks to social media, as well. Admit it, you check your profiles during work, or find yourself wandering over to YouTube or your favorite blog during work hours. Here is a fun little game: every time you get distracted by a social media site, make a little strike on a piece of paper. At the end of the day, count all the strikes and feel your heart drop into your stomach as you try to estimate how much time wasted it represents. (So that's article 2).

That's what I think of the topic social media and teens. My teacher and my parents always told me to watch out for what is going on out there in the web. We all have the power to block and delete.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the texts and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between texts and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of the differing views on social media.

The language of the thesis allows the writer to address different viewpoints about social media and its impact on teens. (“ There are many bad things going on in social media, but at the same time there are many good things. ”)

Specific information from the texts is used to effectively maintain the focus of the thesis statement. (“ We also have the communication between people and businesses. Since they have paved a new way for contact between the two, customers can now tell brands exactly what they want. Businesses can then use that information to tailor their products of more appeal. They used to have to spend a ton of cash for this kind of marketing data. Customers used to have to spend hours on phones getting more and more frustrated when they had a problem or complaint. (article 2) ”)

The writer effectively focuses on the purpose of the prompt task, not only by informing the readers about the beneficial aspects of social media, but also by presenting negative consequences. (“ There are also causes and information. Social media has made it possible for like-minded individuals to discuss important topics, widen their personal knowledge and discover things they never knew before. For example, young people around the world are now more involved than ever in their country's politics. The last presidential elections in the US are proof of that. Social media has donated to that increase in a big way. That is some of the good side of it… But not all consequences of this technology are good ones. Like the way it has allowed us to hide behind screens and limited our social interaction face to face. You get the feeling of being social without having to go out and socialize. In the same vein, it gives you the feeling of being a friend (or having friends) without having to put in any actual work to build the relationship. ”)

Content & Development

The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“I am going to start off with the good news first. First, we have the obvious: communication. We are living in a time where the world is open to us. We can contact anyone around the world, at any time, with just a few keystrokes. It is free, unlike calling across the ocean, and live. We can also share elements of our life, from what we enjoy to photos of ourselves and those in our lives. It is like being a part of that person's world, even though distance keeps you apart. We also have the communication between people and businesses. Since they have paved a new way for contact between the two, customers can now tell brands exactly what they want. Businesses can then use that information to tailor their products of more appeal. They used to have to spend a ton of cash for this kind of marketing data. Customers used to have to spend hours on phones getting more and more frustrated when they had a problem or complaint. (article 2)”)

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Now let's go to the bad news. There many bad things going on and we don't know it. But not all consequences of this technology are good ones. Like the way it has allowed us to hide behind screens and limited our social interaction face to face. You get the feeling of being social without having to go out and socialize. In the same vein, it gives you the feeling of being a friend (or having friends) without having to put in any actual work to build the relationship. Just think of how many people you have on your Facebook friends list. How many of them do you see on a semi-regular basis? At all? Then we have the issue of how it has taken over our lives. I hate being out in public and seeing people on their phones. Seeing them talking never bothered me as long as they weren't being obnoxious. Nor does sending off a quick text bug me; maybe they are meeting someone and telling them where they are, or something. It is the obvious Facebooking or tweeting or whatever else that keeps people's eyes glued to their phones.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ I never check social media sites when I am out doing something. Whether it is grocery shopping, getting dinner with friends or waiting in line, it is just so impolite. It also shows a serious problem with distraction in today's society. We can't enjoy the world around us for an hour without retreating back into that safe little digital box. Productivity is pretty much shot thanks to social media, as well. Admit it, you check your profiles during work, or find yourself wandering over to YouTube or your favorite blog during work hours. Here is a fun little game: every time you get distracted by a social media site, make a little strike on a piece of paper. At the end of the day, count all the strikes and feel your heart drop into your stomach as you try to estimate how much time wasted it represents. (So that's article 2). ”)

Organization

The introduction explains the purpose of the essay, but the writer should generate more interest by including interesting facts, quotes, or statistics to capture the readers’ attention. (“ There are many bad things going on in social media, but at the same time there are many good things. I've read and watch many videos that explain how they are bad and how they are good. I am going to explain my point of view of why it's bad and why it's good. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ Now let's go to the bad news. There many bad things going on and we don't know it. But not all consequences of this technology are good ones. Like the way it has allowed us to hide behind screens and limited our social interaction face to face. You get the feeling of being social without having to go out and socialize. In the same vein, it gives you the feeling of being a friend (or having friends) without having to put in any actual work to build the relationship. ”)

While the essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure, it should also summarize the main points of the essay that lead to the writer’s concluding statements. (“ That's what I think of the topic social media and teens. My teacher and my parents always told me to watch out for what is going on out there in the web. We all have the power to block and delete. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, a good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ There are also causes and information. Social media has made it possible for like-minded individuals to discuss important topics, widen their personal knowledge and discover things they never knew before. For example, young people around the world are now more involved than ever in their country's politics. The last presidential elections in the US are proof of that. Social media has donated to that increase in a big way. That is some of the good side of it.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe the benefits of social media for nonprofit organizations. (“ Non-profits are seeing the benefits of using social media for their awareness campaigns. Sites like Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and others are a cost effective means of spreading the word and getting support. Not to mention socially shared petitions from sites like Causes.org, reaching hundreds of thousands of people. ”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Whether it is grocery shopping, getting dinner with friends or waiting in line, it is just so impolite. It also shows a serious problem with distraction in today's society. We can't enjoy the world around us for an hour without retreating back into that safe little digital box. Productivity is pretty much shot thanks to social media, as well. Admit it, you check your profiles during work, or find yourself wandering over to YouTube or your favorite blog during work hours.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization, punctuation, and subject-verb agreement; all word selections are used and spelled correctly; and all new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ Seeing them talking never bothered me as long as they weren't being obnoxious. Nor does sending off a quick text bug me; maybe they are meeting someone and telling them where they are, or something. It is the obvious Facebooking or tweeting or whatever else that keeps people's eyes glued to their phones. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Social Media's Impact on Teens

Social Media has been used by teens to share and interact with each other, but what impact does it really have on teens? Social Media were created for people to interact and share things with one another, but are they really used for that now? Cyber Bullying has been welcomed to the World Wide Web and now especially to Social Media. Now teens don't just get bullied at school but, at home through Social Media.

There are both good sides and bad sides of Social Media. Some of the good sides of Social Media are that you can share and post things to show other people what you are doing or where you are at or maybe even a picture of you as said in the article ''How Students Benefit From Social Media by Joseph Baker''. You can also interact with one another through messages or posting videos. Other people use it to talk to a teacher about a school related subject to get cached up in school. Another good way Social Media can be used is that you video chat to family or friends that are far away.

Those are all very good ways to use Social Media but, what are the cons of Social Media. Some of the cons of Social Media are that if teens spend more time on the Social Media's like face book their grades can lower. Another con of Social Media is that cyber bullying can happen and can cause depression, anxiety etc. A big issue in Social Media has been privacy. Privacy has been ignored and people have been hacking or going into other peoples profiles and reaching their information. According to the article, "Statistics about Teens and Social Networking by Taylor Thomas", twenty-nine percent of teens have posted mean info, embarrassing photos or spread rumors about someone.

More information from that article is that twenty -nine percent of teens have been stalked or contracted by a stranger or someone they don't know. Social Media has been a big issue on teens. Whether or not Social Media are mostly used for bullying, stalking and other things. Social Media need to change how much access users have to their profiles and also other people's profile. Sharing things in Social Media's aren't always good things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the texts and the purpose of the task. He/she implies connections between texts and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the controlling idea of the essay and the viewpoint of the writer adequately. (“ There are both good sides and bad sides of Social Media. ”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the benefits of social media as well as its negative impacts. (“ Social Media were created for people to interact and share things with one another, but are they really used for that now? Cyber Bullying has been welcomed to the World Wide Web and now especially to Social Media. ”)

The writer makes connections between specific information from the texts and his/her ideas. (“ Some of the good sides of Social Media are that you can share and post things to show other people what you are doing or where you are at or maybe even a picture of you as said in the article ‘How Students Benefit From Social Media by Joseph Baker’. You can also interact with one another through messages or posting videos. ”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses a predictable pattern of methods to include credible information from the texts (e.g., paraphrasing and/or direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ Those are all very good ways to use Social Media but, what are the cons of Social Media. Some of the cons of Social Media are that if teens spend more time on the Social Media's like face book their grades can lower. Another con of Social Media is that cyber bullying can happen and can cause depression, anxiety etc. ”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of each negative aspect of social media.

The essay contains adequate details from the texts to illustrate the main ideas. (“ A big issue in Social Media has been privacy. Privacy has been ignored and people have been hacking or going into other peoples profiles and reaching their information. According to the article, ‘Statistics about Teens and Social Networking by Taylor Thomas’, twenty-nine percent of teens have posted mean info, embarrassing photos or spread rumors about someone. ”)

The writer provides relevant statistics from the texts to support the controlling idea. (“ More information from that article is that twenty -nine percent of teens have been stalked or contracted by a stranger or someone they don't know. Social Media has been a big issue on teens. Whether or not Social Media are mostly used for bullying, stalking and other things. ”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the essay that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by asking questions about how teens use social media. (“ Social Media has been used by teens to share and interact with each other, but what impact does it really have on teens? Social Media were created for people to interact and share things with one another, but are they really used for that now? Cyber Bullying has been welcomed to the World Wide Web and now especially to Social Media. Now teens don't just get bullied at school but, at home through Social Media. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ Those are all very good ways to use Social Media but, what are the cons of Social Media. Some of the cons of Social Media are that if teens spend more time on the Social Media's like face book their grades can lower. Another con of Social Media is that cyber bullying can happen and can cause depression, anxiety etc. ”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

Instead of adding facts from the article to the conclusion of the essay, the writer should include these details in the appropriate body paragraph. The conclusion should summarize the main points of the essay and leave the readers with a sense of closure. (“ More information from that article is that twenty -nine percent of teens have been stalked or contracted by a stranger or someone they don't know. Social Media has been a big issue on teens. Whether or not Social Media are mostly used for bullying, stalking and other things. Social Media need to change how much access users have to their profiles and also other people's profile. Sharing things in Social Media's aren't always good things. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ There are both good sides and bad sides of Social Media. Some of the good sides of Social Media are that you can share and post things to show other people what you are doing or where you are at or maybe even a picture of you as said in the article ‘How Students Benefit From Social Media by Joseph Baker’. You can also interact with one another through messages or posting videos. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. He/she provides language that adequately describes the benefits of using social media. (“ You can also interact with one another through messages or posting videos. Other people use it to talk to a teacher about a school related subject to get cached up in school. Another good way Social Media can be used is that you video chat to family or friends that are far away. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ A big issue in Social Media has been privacy. Privacy has been ignored and people have been hacking or going into other peoples profiles and reaching their information. According to the article, ‘Statistics about Teens and Social Networking by Taylor Thomas’, twenty-nine percent of teens have posted mean info, embarrassing photos or spread rumors about someone. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Effects of Social Media on Teens

93% OF teen's age's 12-17 go online and 69% of them have their own computer. There is many positive effects of social media. Such as connecting with friends, speaking with family members you mays have not seen for a while, or connecting with old friends. However there are also many negative affects on social media such as cyberbullying, it may lower your self esteem, or it may lower your grade. Over all there are many positive and negative affects on social media.

In many ways there are positive and negative effects on social media. In the video by ismails (social meidia pros and cons) it consists of both positive and negative outlooks on social media although there are many positive and negative effects there are more positives than negative so in other words they outwigh the negative so it is better than worst. In (30) statistics about teens and social media by Tomas Talors he states the procentages of social media's pros and cons on social media and it states most kids don't get cyber bullied. There are many reasons social media is good yet there are also many bad reasons of social media.

There are many reasons and concerns on negative affeccts on social media. Talor Tomas has both positive and negative affects such as 22% of kids are cyberbullied and 24% of kids have and are being cyber bullied by other kids onlne which could cause trouble in many ways. In the video by ismail he states lots of bad reasons about social media such as many people get cyber bulleid. Though only 22% percent of poeple in the world get cybere bullies that is 22% of the worlds population which depending on how many poeple do have social media about a couple thousand is more. its clear that that thare are many positive reasons but there are aloso many negative reasons.

In conclusion There has always been positive and negative reasons on social media but its in our lives and we just have to take that under consideration.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the texts and the purpose of the task. He/she implies a few connections between texts and task through the controlling or central idea. The essay provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the controlling idea in a very limited way. The writer should improve the focus of the controlling idea/thesis statement by referencing the text information more effectively. (“Over all there are many positive and negative affects on social media. ”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the texts to illustrate the experts’ opinions on the positive effects of social media. (“ In many ways there are positive and negative effects on social media. In the video by ismails (social meidia pros and cons) it consists of both positive and negative outlooks on social media although there are many positive and negative effects there are more positives than negative so in other words they outwigh the negative so it is better than worst. In (30) statistics about teens and social media by Tomas Talors he states the procentages of social media's pros and cons on social media and it states most kids don't get cyber bullied. There are many reasons social media is good yet there are also many bad reasons of social media. ”)

The writer maintains a limited focus throughout the essay. He/she focuses on the idea of negative and positive effects of social media, but the descriptions from the texts are limited at best. (“There are many reasons and concerns on negative affeccts on social media. Talor Tomas has both positive and negative affects such as 22% of kids are cyberbullied and 24% of kids have and are being cyber bullied by other kids onlne which could cause trouble in many ways. In the video by ismail he states lots of bad reasons about social media such as many people get cyber bulleid. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the texts (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Some sources used for facts are cited correctly.

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the texts should connect ideas clearly to support the writer’s ideas. (“ In many ways there are positive and negative effects on social media. In the video by ismails (social meidia pros and cons) it consists of both positive and negative outlooks on social media although there are many positive and negative effects there are more positives than negative so in other words they outwigh the negative so it is better than worst. In (30) statistics about teens and social media by Tomas Talors he states the procentages of social media's pros and cons on social media and it states most kids don't get cyber bullied. There are many reasons social media is good yet there are also many bad reasons of social media. ”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. In fact, the writer includes more examples in the introduction than the body paragraphs support. (“ There are many reasons and concerns on negative affeccts on social media. Talor Tomas has both positive and negative affects such as 22% of kids are cyberbullied and 24% of kids have and are being cyber bullied by other kids onlne which could cause trouble in many ways. In the video by ismail he states lots of bad reasons about social media such as many people get cyber bulleid. ”)

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Though only 22% percent of poeple in the world get cybere bullies that is 22% of the worlds population which depending on how many poeple do have social media about a couple thousand is more. its clear that that thare are many positive reasons but there are aloso many negative reasons. ”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

In the introduction, the writer attempts to present the essay’s main points, but he/she does not develop these ideas in the body paragraphs. This creates a false expectation for the readers and impacts the flow of information in the essay. (“ 93% OF teen's age's 12-17 go online and 69% of them have their own computer. There is many positive effects of social media. Such as connecting with friends, speaking with family members you mays have not seen for a while, or connecting with old friends. However there are also many negative affects on social media such as cyberbullying, it may lower your self esteem, or it may lower your grade. Over all there are many positive and negative affects on social media. ”)

Strong transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ Though only 22% percent of poeple in the world get cybere bullies that is 22% of the worlds population which depending on how many poeple do have social media about a couple thousand is more. its clear that that thare are many positive reasons but there are aloso many negative reasons. ”)

The writer does not provide an effective conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize the main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ In conclusion There has always been positive and negative reasons on social media but its in our lives and we just have to take that under consideration. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay contains repetitive language. (“ In many ways there are positive and negative effects on social media. In the video by ismails (social meidia pros and cons) it consists of both positive and negative outlooks on social media although there are many positive and negative effects there are more positives than negative so in other words they outwigh the negative so it is better than worst. ”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ Talor Tomas has both positive and negative affects such as 22% of kids are cyberbullied and 24% of kids have and are being cyber bullied by other kids onlne which could cause trouble in many ways. In the video by ismail he states lots of bad reasons about social media such as many people get cyber bulleid. ”)

The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the essay more interesting to the intended audience. For example, he/she should explain the effect of cyberbullying on teens who use social media. (“ Though only 22% percent of poeple in the world get cybere bullies that is 22% of the worlds population which depending on how many poeple do have social media about a couple thousand is more. its clear that that thare are many positive reasons but there are aloso many negative reasons. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, check for the correct spelling of words, ensure the proper usage of words within the context of sentences, and indicate new paragraphs with line breaks. (“ In conclusion There has always been positive and negative reasons on social media but its in our lives and we just have to take that under consideration. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Yeah, it's true, but instead of Facebook its Instagram. I know people who post like everything including what they are eating, where they are at, and especially selfies. Today people post about what they are doing a lot. This can effect how you actually communicate in real life instead or using social media. Social media today is pretty bad because I see students not do there homework and watch or play video games on the IPads the school provided us to do our homework or study for tests. The school should block YouTube or AppStore atleast with there light speed today.

There was even rumors of people saying that a kid died because he bothered his friend when he was playing flappy bird. I have a limit amount of time into doing social media or a game which is about 2 hours. Some of my friend's parents don't even care how long there son plays the video games I seen my friends play 12 hours a day unless if it is lunch or dinner.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates an unclear understanding of the texts and the purpose of the task and makes illogical and/or unnecessary connections between texts and task through the controlling or central idea. Additionally, the writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The writer only minimally states a central/controlling idea. The writer points to social media as the focus of the essay but misses the opportunity to elaborate on the viewpoints of experts on the subject. (“ Yeah, it's true, but instead of Facebook its Instagram. I know people who post like everything including what they are eating, where they are at, and especially selfies.”)

The writer minimally connects the details in the essay to authoritative opinions on the subject. The writer should make the purpose of the essay clear and support his/her ideas with relevant details. (“Social media today is pretty bad because I see students not do there homework and watch or play video games on the IPads the school provided us to do our homework or study for tests. The school should block YouTube or AppStore atleast with there light speed today.”)

The writer does not sufficiently maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references to give the readers a true sense of the benefits versus the adverse effects of social media on teens. More details from the texts are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“There was even rumors of people saying that a kid died because he bothered his friend when he was playing flappy bird. I have a limit amount of time into doing social media or a game which is about 2 hours.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally, providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific and/or relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the texts (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes) . Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or not cited correctly.

In the two-paragraph essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“ Today people post about what they are doing a lot. This can effect how you actually communicate in real life instead or using social media. Social media today is pretty bad because I see students not do there homework and watch or play video games on the IPads the school provided us to do our homework or study for tests… There was even rumors of people saying that a kid died because he bothered his friend when he was playing flappy bird. I have a limit amount of time into doing social media or a game which is about 2 hours. Some of my friend's parents don't even care how long there son plays the video games I seen my friends play 12 hours a day unless if it is lunch or dinner.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“Social media today is pretty bad because I see students not do there homework and watch or play video games on the IPads the school provided us to do our homework or study for tests. The school should block YouTube or AppStore atleast with there light speed today.”)

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the texts that give the readers a clear picture of the specific effects that social media is having on teens. (“I have a limit amount of time into doing social media or a game which is about 2 hours. Some of my friend's parents don't even care how long there son plays the video games I seen my friends play 12 hours a day unless if it is lunch or dinner.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The essay lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer does little to grab the readers’ attention in the essay's introduction. (“ Yeah, it's true, but instead of Facebook its Instagram. I know people who post like everything including what they are eating, where they are at, and especially selfies. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ There was even rumors of people saying that a kid died because he bothered his friend when he was playing flappy bird. I have a limit amount of time into doing social media or a game which is about 2 hours. ”)

The writer does not include a conclusion. (“ Some of my friend's parents don't even care how long there son plays the video games I seen my friends play 12 hours a day unless if it is lunch or dinner. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer relies on simple and informal word choices. (“ I know people who post like everything including what they are eating, where they are at, and especially selfies. Today people post about what they are doing a lot. ”)

The awkward structure of many sentences impedes effective communication of the writer’s ideas. (“ Social media today is pretty bad because I see students not do there homework and watch or play video games on the IPads the school provided us to do our homework or study for tests.”)

The essay includes run-on sentences. (“ Some of my friend's parents don't even care how long there son plays the video games I seen my friends play 12 hours a day unless if it is lunch or dinner.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, the correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. (“There was even rumors of people saying that a kid died because he bothered his friend when he was playing flappy bird.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

As a kid I think that it good to keep in touch with your friends But there is its ups and down, like cyberbullying and add bullying in general. Facebook twitter I think is kind of stupid for kid my age. You dont know hows looking at your webpage and it could be someone who not all that friendly. I think the best way to communticate with yo friends is to get a cell phone, i now you are thinking why get a phone the internet is free to communate with friends. Well if you get a cell phone random people can look at you texts and see what you and you friends be doing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the texts or the purpose of the task and makes little or no connection between texts and task through a controlling or central idea. The writer lacks an awareness of audience as well. The essay does not satisfy any parts of the task.

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea in the essay. Instead, the writer just begins talking about the positive and negative aspects of social media sites without identifying the purpose of the essay. (“As a kid I think that it good to keep in touch with your friends But there is its ups and down, like cyberbullying and add bullying in general. Facebook twitter I think is kind of stupid for kid my age. ”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of the audience because he/she does not include relevant details from the texts to focus on the ideas clearly in the essay. (“You dont know hows looking at your webpage and it could be someone who not all that friendly. ”)

The essay’s lack of specific details from the texts renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“ I think the best way to communticate with yo friends is to get a cell phone, i now you are thinking why get a phone the internet is free to communate with friends. ”)

Content & Development

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“ Well if you get a cell phone random people can look at you texts and see what you and you friends be doing. ”)

In the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“ As a kid I think that it good to keep in touch with your friends But there is its ups and down, like cyberbullying and add bullying in general. Facebook twitter I think is kind of stupid for kid my age. You dont know hows looking at your webpage and it could be someone who not all that friendly. I think the best way to communticate with yo friends is to get a cell phone, i now you are thinking why get a phone the internet is free to communate with friends. Well if you get a cell phone random people can look at you texts and see what you and you friends be doing. ”)

Details from the texts are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“ Facebook twitter I think is kind of stupid for kid my age. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. There is also no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The writer does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ As a kid I think that it good to keep in touch with your friends But there is its ups and down, like cyberbullying and add bullying in general. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ You dont know hows looking at your webpage and it could be someone who not all that friendly. I think the best way to communticate with yo friends is to get a cell phone, i now you are thinking why get a phone the internet is free to communate with friends. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion in the essay. (“ Well if you get a cell phone random people can look at you texts and see what you and you friends be doing. ”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay includes run-on sentences. (“ I think the best way to communticate with yo friends is to get a cell phone, i now you are thinking why get a phone the internet is free to communate with friends. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Facebook twitter I think is kind of stupid for kid my age. ”)

The writer includes awkward sentence structures and incorrect word choices. (“ You dont know hows looking at your webpage and it could be someone who not all that friendly. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“ As a kid I think that it good to keep in touch with your friends But there is its ups and down, like cyberbullying and add bullying in general. Facebook twitter I think is kind of stupid for kid my age. You dont know hows looking at your webpage and it could be someone who not all that friendly. I think the best way to communticate with yo friends is to get a cell phone, i now you are thinking why get a phone the internet is free to communate with friends. Well if you get a cell phone random people can look at you texts and see what you and you friends be doing. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Power of Waves

Both ocean rogue waves and tsunamis are enormous, sometimes measuring over 100 feet tall. Additionally, their power and speed can cause massive amounts of destruction. After learning about rogue waves and tsunamis, write a multi-paragraph, informative essay comparing these two natural occurrences. Support your comparison with facts and details from the texts and videos you study.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Our earth has a variety of oceans, and in these oceans are movements that strike humans as interesting, such as waves. Waves come in many different sizes and forms that even we humans cannot overcome. Two of these waves are known as rogue waves and tsunamis. These two are very similar in many ways. They both can cause massive destruction, change the earth, and are deadly to both humans and inanimate objects. But in some ways, they are very different from each other.

Rogue waves are caused by the wind that blows across the sea. It begins as a capillary wave, then increases in size as the wind increases. As each rogue wave increases in speed, they begin to catch up with other waves and increase to become giant, deadly waves. At first, rogue waves were known to be a sailors tale, but later on were discovered to be true. The Cape of Good Hope is known for it's many shipwrecks and sailing conditions, thus earning the name the Cape of Storms. Over one thousand ships have been severely damaged by the dangerous waters and waves. Captain Davies, one of the leading salvage experts in South Africa, talks about how the ships were damaged and shipwrecked. Many of the ships lost over thousands of tons of steel, and many had holes punched into the side by waves.

No one could figure out why so many rogue waves occurred there until scientists researched on it. They plotted positions of the damaged ships and lined it up with an infrared image of the ocean. It struck them when a pattern occurred on the map. The ships layer in the oath of one of the worlds strongest ocean currents. This current is known as the Agulhas current. This current flows up to ten miles per hour. The Agulhas current cuts traveling time for ships, but at a deadly cost. Scientists also discovered that when wind blows in the opposite direction of currents, it slows down waves by pushing them, allowing slower waves to catch up. This forms a bigger wave that can be very deadly. Sailors have even reported seeing waves that were up to a hundred feet high.

Tsunami is a Japanese word that stands for harbor wave. They are gigantic waves caused by underwater or coastal earthquakes, volcanoes, or landslides. Each of these can release an energy so great that high frequency waves can travel outward in all directions for thousands of kilometers. Tsunamis can travel from one side of an ocean to the other in less than a day. One of the largest tsunamis was caused by one of the largest earthquakes off the coast of South America. It reached Hawaii in a time span of fifteen hours and traveled across half the world and reached Japan. There was a great amount of both lives and property lost. Later on, another tsunami was triggered by an underwater earthquake off the western shot of Japan. Over a hundred lives were lost and property was destroyed.

Tsunamis look as if they transport water, but instead they are transporting energy. They are made of a series of crests and troughs like all waves, but have wavelengths between a hundred and seven hundred kilometers long. Tsunamis, unlike typical waves, are caused by three different high energy events. Most tsunamis are cause by underwater earthquakes. They violently shake and move the earth floor, causing the depth of water to move up and down by the energy. Another reason is underwater landslides. As the rocks fall, they displace water around it and create tsunamis that travel outward. The final cause of tsunamis is underwater or land volcanic activity. The eruptions move great amounts of water and earth underwater and are less common. Tsunamis can travel up to seven hundred and twenty kilometers an hour, amounting to over half the speed of sound. When they approach shore, the rising sea floor causes the tsunami to rise. It builds until it breaks out into a strong surge of water. The height of the tsunami depends on the offshore landscape and can reach as high as thirty meters above sea level.

In conclusion, rogue waves and tsunamis both differ in many ways, such as the speed they travel, their height, and how they are formed. Although they are both different forms of waves, their characteristics allow people to tell them apart. Rogue waves are formed by waves joining together to form a bigger wave, and tsunamis are caused by underwater or coastal earthquakes, volcanic activity, and landslides.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer engages the readers in the introduction by focusing on the wave comparison that will come in the subsequent paragraphs. (“ Our earth has a variety of oceans, and in these oceans are movements that strike humans as interesting, such as waves. Waves come in many different sizes and forms that even we humans cannot overcome. Two of these waves are known as rogue waves and tsunamis. These two are very similar in many ways. They both can cause massive destruction, change the earth, and are deadly to both humans and inanimate objects. But in some ways, they are very different from each other. ”)

All of the details used in the essay very effectively relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ Rogue waves are caused by the wind that blows across the sea. It begins as a capillary wave, then increases in size as the wind increases. As each rogue wave increases in speed, they begin to catch up with other waves and increase to become giant, deadly waves. At first, rogue waves were known to be a sailors tale, but later on were discovered to be true. The Cape of Good Hope is known for it's many shipwrecks and sailing conditions, thus earning the name the Cape of Storms. Over one thousand ships have been severely damaged by the dangerous waters and waves. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ One of the largest tsunamis was caused by one of the largest earthquakes off the coast of South America. It reached Hawaii in a time span of fifteen hours and traveled across half the world and reached Japan. There was a great amount of both lives and property lost. Later on, another tsunami was triggered by an underwater earthquake off the western shot of Japan. Over a hundred lives were lost and property was destroyed. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text, using a variety of methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the main ideas very effectively. (“ Tsunamis can travel up to seven hundred and twenty kilometers an hour, amounting to over half the speed of sound. When they approach shore, the rising sea floor causes the tsunami to rise. It builds until it breaks out into a strong surge of water. The height of the tsunami depends on the offshore landscape and can reach as high as thirty meters above sea level. ”)

Details and paraphrasing from the text explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“ At first, rogue waves were known to be a sailors tale, but later on were discovered to be true. The Cape of Good Hope is known for it's many shipwrecks and sailing conditions, thus earning the name the Cape of Storms. Over one thousand ships have been severely damaged by the dangerous waters and waves. Captain Davies, one of the leading salvage experts in South Africa, talks about how the ships were damaged and shipwrecked. Many of the ships lost over thousands of tons of steel, and many had holes punched into the side by waves. ”)

Specific information about the waves is developed very effectively. (“ Tsunamis look as if they transport water, but instead they are transporting energy. They are made of a series of crests and troughs like all waves, but have wavelengths between a hundred and seven hundred kilometers long. Tsunamis, unlike typical waves, are caused by three different high energy events. Most tsunamis are cause by underwater earthquakes. They violently shake and move the earth floor, causing the depth of water to move up and down by the energy. ”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay by introducing waves, particularly highlighting the two discussed in the text. (“ Our earth has a variety of oceans, and in these oceans are movements that strike humans as interesting, such as waves. Waves come in many different sizes and forms that even we humans cannot overcome. Two of these waves are known as rogue waves and tsunamis. These two are very similar in many ways. They both can cause massive destruction, change the earth, and are deadly to both humans and inanimate objects. But in some ways, they are very different from each other. ”)

The writer should employ more effective transitions to connect ideas in the essay. (“Scientists also discovered that when wind blows in the opposite direction of currents, it slows down waves by pushing them, allowing slower waves to catch up. This forms a bigger wave that can be very deadly. Sailors have even reported seeing waves that were up to a hundred feet high.”)

The writer should include a stronger ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion, rogue waves and tsunamis both differ in many ways, such as the speed they travel, their height, and how they are formed. Although they are both different forms of waves, their characteristics allow people to tell them apart. Rogue waves are formed by waves joining together to form a bigger wave, and tsunamis are caused by underwater or coastal earthquakes, volcanic activity, and landslides. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the specific characteristics of the two natural occurrences. (“ Tsunamis, unlike typical waves, are caused by three different high energy events. Most tsunamis are cause by underwater earthquakes. They violently shake and move the earth floor, causing the depth of water to move up and down by the energy. Another reason is underwater landslides. As the rocks fall, they displace water around it and create tsunamis that travel outward. The final cause of tsunamis is underwater or land volcanic activity. The eruptions move great amounts of water and earth underwater and are less common. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“ One of the largest tsunamis was caused by one of the largest earthquakes off the coast of South America. It reached Hawaii in a time span of fifteen hours and traveled across half the world and reached Japan. There was a great amount of both lives and property lost. Later on, another tsunami was triggered by an underwater earthquake off the western shot of Japan. Over a hundred lives were lost and property was destroyed.”)

The writer demonstrates a strong voice throughout the response. (“ The final cause of tsunamis is underwater or land volcanic activity. The eruptions move great amounts of water and earth underwater and are less common. Tsunamis can travel up to seven hundred and twenty kilometers an hour, amounting to over half the speed of sound. When they approach shore, the rising sea floor causes the tsunami to rise. It builds until it breaks out into a strong surge of water. The height of the tsunami depends on the offshore landscape and can reach as high as thirty meters above sea level. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Our earth has a variety of oceans, and in these oceans are movements that strike humans as interesting, such as waves. Waves come in many different sizes and forms that even we humans cannot overcome. Two of these waves are known as rogue waves and tsunamis. These two are very similar in many ways. They both can cause massive destruction, change the earth, and are deadly to both humans and inanimate objects. But in some ways, they are very different from each other.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

You may think, well what are ocean rogue waves and tsunamis? They are alike in many ways, like they both cause major destruction but these two types of waves can differeniate in many ways. Ocean rogue waves and tsunamis differentiate because they both are formed from different causes. These two massive nature occurences have more differences than just their different causes, they can differ by their heights, where they usually exist, and much more. Ocean rogue waves and tsunamis have been known to grow without warning to people or any of their surroundings.

Ocean rogue waves are waves that grow as the wind picks up. As they are traveling, some waves are faster than others, but eventually they come together and that makes them become giant waves. Captain Dye Davies is one of the many sailors who have seen the damage these horrific waves can do. According to passage one, he states that he has been involved with 5 major incidents. He also states that he has seen ships of 365,000 tons lose up to 5,000 tons of pure steel because of these nature occurences. Also according to passage one, since 1990, over 20 ships, enormous ones too, have been crippled by these giant waves. Some of the ships receive major damages such as holes in their sides. One captain told Captain Davies, "This wave came from nowhere and just overwhelmed the ship, and she went down." This proves that these appear without any notice or warning. All of these ships who have been injured by these waves all laid on one of the world's strongest ocean currents, the Agulhas Current. This was a pattern that scientists had figured out. Sailors have reported that these waves can be up to 100 feet high! They also appear out of nowhere, according to sailors as well. That coastline is sometimes called "A ship's graveyard," because of its destruction of ships. Many sailors now take a different route in order to avoid any interaction with the ocean rogue waves.

Tsunamis are also a type of destructive wave. Tsunami means "harbor wave" in Japanese, and oddly enough they occur mostly in Japan. These waves are caused by underwater or coastal earthquakes, volcanoes, or landslides. The waves have high frequencies and they can travel in all directions for thousands of kilometers. These intense waves can travel from one side of the ocean to another in less than 24 hours, according to passage two. Another fact from passage two is that in 1960, the 20th century's largest earthquake occurred off the coast of South America, and it created one of the largest tsunamis in history. Most tsunamis occur near Japan as it said earlier in the paragraph. In passage two, it states that in 1963, a tsunami hit Japan with strong force, stronger than previous tsunamis. The next tsunami hit in 1983, causing 700 boats and 59 houses to be demolished. This horrific wave also drowned 104 people. They cause so much destruction because they aren't carrying water, they are carrying energy. They can reach up to 30 meters above sea level, Their speed can be as fast as 720 km. per hour. These waves are so unexpected because they have the same, exact characteristics any other normal wave would have. Yet, they look like normal waves but no, they are major death traps.

As one can tell, both of these waves can cause the loss of property, lives, and much more. Although they are alike in many ways, their causes and their destruction levels can differ quite a lot. Ocean rogue waves mostly just hit in one places while tsunamis mostly hit different areas. Tsunamis are triggered by natural occurences such as earthquakes, landslides, and eruptions, while ocean rogue waves are just caused by increasing wind speeds. They are similar because they cause a lot of destruction however, tsunamis cause damage to people, houses, cities, and boats and rogue waves mostly only damage boats or ships.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates a good understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. Clear connections are made between the text and task. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.

The introduction contains background information about each natural occurrence. (“ You may think, well what are ocean rogue waves and tsunamis? They are alike in many ways, like they both cause major destruction but these two types of waves can differeniate in many ways. Ocean rogue waves and tsunamis differentiate because they both are formed from different causes. These two massive nature occurences have more differences than just their different causes, they can differ by their heights, where they usually exist, and much more. Ocean rogue waves and tsunamis have been known to grow without warning to people or any of their surroundings. ”)

Specific information from the text is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. (“ The next tsunami hit in 1983, causing 700 boats and 59 houses to be demolished. This horrific wave also drowned 104 people. They cause so much destruction because they aren't carrying water, they are carrying energy. They can reach up to 30 meters above sea level, Their speed can be as fast as 720 km. per hour. These waves are so unexpected because they have the same, exact characteristics any other normal wave would have. Yet, they look like normal waves but no, they are major death traps. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ Also according to passage one, since 1990, over 20 ships, enormous ones too, have been crippled by these giant waves. Some of the ships receive major damages such as holes in their sides. One captain told Captain Davies, ‘This wave came from nowhere and just overwhelmed the ship, and she went down.’ This proves that these appear without any notice or warning. All of these ships who have been injured by these waves all laid on one of the world's strongest ocean currents, the Agulhas Current. This was a pattern that scientists had figured out. Sailors have reported that these waves can be up to 100 feet high! ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a good understanding of the purpose. He/she develops ideas by providing specific and relevant details from the text. The writer uses more than one method to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly. The writer completes most parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of the two natural occurrences.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details from the text that explain the main idea. (“ Tsunamis are also a type of destructive wave. Tsunami means ‘harbor wave’ in Japanese, and oddly enough they occur mostly in Japan. These waves are caused by underwater or coastal earthquakes, volcanoes, or landslides. The waves have high frequencies and they can travel in all directions for thousands of kilometers. These intense waves can travel from one side of the ocean to another in less than 24 hours, according to passage two. Another fact from passage two is that in 1960, the 20th century's largest earthquake occurred off the coast of South America, and it created one of the largest tsunamis in history.”)

The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea of the thesis statement. (“ Ocean rogue waves are waves that grow as the wind picks up. As they are traveling, some waves are faster than others, but eventually they come together and that makes them become giant waves. Captain Dye Davies is one of the many sailors who have seen the damage these horrific waves can do. According to passage one, he states that he has been involved with 5 major incidents. He also states that he has seen ships of 365,000 tons lose up to 5,000 tons of pure steel because of these nature occurences. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Most tsunamis occur near Japan as it said earlier in the paragraph. In passage two, it states that in 1963, a tsunami hit Japan with strong force, stronger than previous tsunamis. The next tsunami hit in 1983, causing 700 boats and 59 houses to be demolished. This horrific wave also drowned 104 people. They cause so much destruction because they aren't carrying water, they are carrying energy. They can reach up to 30 meters above sea level, Their speed can be as fast as 720 km. per hour. These waves are so unexpected because they have the same, exact characteristics any other normal wave would have. Yet, they look like normal waves but no, they are major death traps.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ You may think, well what are ocean rogue waves and tsunamis? They are alike in many ways, like they both cause major destruction but these two types of waves can differeniate in many ways. Ocean rogue waves and tsunamis differentiate because they both are formed from different causes. These two massive nature occurences have more differences than just their different causes, they can differ by their heights, where they usually exist, and much more. Ocean rogue waves and tsunamis have been known to grow without warning to people or any of their surroundings. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ The next tsunami hit in 1983, causing 700 boats and 59 houses to be demolished. This horrific wave also drowned 104 people. They cause so much destruction because they aren't carrying water, they are carrying energy. They can reach up to 30 meters above sea level, Their speed can be as fast as 720 km. per hour. These waves are so unexpected because they have the same, exact characteristics any other normal wave would have. Yet, they look like normal waves but no, they are major death traps. As one can tell, both of these waves can cause the loss of property, lives, and much more. ”)

The writer summarizes some of the main ideas discussed in the essay; however, he/she should focus on providing the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Tsunamis are triggered by natural occurences such as earthquakes, landslides, and eruptions, while ocean rogue waves are just caused by increasing wind speeds. They are similar because they cause a lot of destruction however, tsunamis cause damage to people, houses, cities, and boats and rogue waves mostly only damage boats or ships. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Tsunamis are also a type of destructive wave. Tsunami means ‘harbor wave’ in Japanese, and oddly enough they occur mostly in Japan. These waves are caused by underwater or coastal earthquakes, volcanoes, or landslides. The waves have high frequencies and they can travel in all directions for thousands of kilometers. ”)

The writer creates some complex sentence structures with descriptive details to keep the readers interested. (“ Tsunamis are triggered by natural occurences such as earthquakes, landslides, and eruptions, while ocean rogue waves are just caused by increasing wind speeds. They are similar because they cause a lot of destruction however, tsunamis cause damage to people, houses, cities, and boats and rogue waves mostly only damage boats or ships. ”)

The writer employs good word choices to inform the readers about rogue waves and tsunamis. (“ Ocean rogue waves are waves that grow as the wind picks up. As they are traveling, some waves are faster than others, but eventually they come together and that makes them become giant waves. Captain Dye Davies is one of the many sailors who have seen the damage these horrific waves can do. According to passage one, he states that he has been involved with 5 major incidents. He also states that he has seen ships of 365,000 tons lose up to 5,000 tons of pure steel because of these nature occurences. Also according to passage one, since 1990, over 20 ships, enormous ones too, have been crippled by these giant waves. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer ensures that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, most words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ They are alike in many ways, like they both cause major destruction but these two types of waves can differeniate in many ways. Ocean rogue waves and tsunamis differentiate because they both are formed from different causes. These two massive nature occurences have more differences than just their different causes, they can differ by their heights, where they usually exist, and much more.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Tsunami is a Japanese word that means "harbor waves." Tsunamis are not the only huge waves in the ocean, another wave called ocean rogue waves are just as enormous. These two natural occurrences can sometimes measure over one hundred feet tall. These two waves over all can cause great massive amounts of destruction with their power and speed.

Ocean rogue waves arise as the wind blows across the sea. As winds increase the waves tend to build in tremendous size. Waves move faster than some others. In these treacherous waters over one thousand ships have been foundered in the water. In the year 1991 a ship called "Atlas Pride" lost most of her bow. The huge waves of ocean rouge took out five thousand tons of steel. The culprit of the accident was the wave. Captain Davies said "this wave came out of no where and just overwhelmed the ship, and she went down."

For many years people and scientists could not comprehend the answer as to why there were so many rogue waves in an are and accidents occurring. Until one day scientist had plotted all the damaged ships and had found a pattern that was emerging. All of the ships lay in the path of one of the world's strongest ocean currents called the "Agulhas current." This specific current runs down from the Indian Ocean into the Atlantic. This current can reach up to speeds as to ten miles per hour and that is very strong just for a current. This current can cut travel time for ships however it also comes with a high risk. Taking this route people sometimes call it "A devil's bargain."

Tsunamis are mostly caused by undersea or coastal earthquakes, volcanoes, or landslides. All of these events can release great energy. Tsunamis are very powerful and can cross from one side of an ocean to the other in less than twenty four hours. It releases amazing destructive force on the islands or anywhere. In the year 1960 there was an earthquake that occurred off the coast of South America and in only fifteen hours the waves reached Hawaii. There was a total of sixty one people who were left dead. Tsunamis can travel at speeds up to seven hundred and twenty kilometers an hour.

Over all these two waves, ocean rogue and tsunamis are massive waves. These waves are definitely indestructible and extremely powerful. Theses waves are also something to be cautious about because if you aren't there could be a severe tsunami coming and you won't be prepared. Always be on the look out for these waves.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and implies connections between text and task through a central/controlling idea. Ideas are adequately developed using relevant descriptions and details. The response satisfies many requirements of the prompt task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“ Tsunami is a Japanese word that means ‘harbor waves.’ Tsunamis are not the only huge waves in the ocean, another wave called ocean rogue waves are just as enormous. These two natural occurrences can sometimes measure over one hundred feet tall. These two waves over all can cause great massive amounts of destruction with their power and speed. ”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. He/she devotes the focus and content to informing the readers about rogue waves and tsunamis occurring in nature. (“ Tsunamis are very powerful and can cross from one side of an ocean to the other in less than twenty four hours. It releases amazing destructive force on the islands or anywhere. In the year 1960 there was an earthquake that occurred off the coast of South America and in only fifteen hours the waves reached Hawaii. There was a total of sixty one people who were left dead. ”)

The writer makes connections between specific information from the text and his/her ideas. (“ Ocean rogue waves arise as the wind blows across the sea. As winds increase the waves tend to build in tremendous size. Waves move faster than some others. In these treacherous waters over one thousand ships have been foundered in the water. In the year 1991 a ship called ‘Atlas Pride’ lost most of her bow. The huge waves of ocean rouge took out five thousand tons of steel. The culprit of the accident was the wave. Captain Davies said ‘this wave came out of no where and just overwhelmed the ship, and she went down.’ ”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses a predictable pattern of methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and/or direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Tsunamis are mostly caused by undersea or coastal earthquakes, volcanoes, or landslides. All of these events can release great energy. Tsunamis are very powerful and can cross from one side of an ocean to the other in less than twenty four hours. It releases amazing destructive force on the islands or anywhere. In the year 1960 there was an earthquake that occurred off the coast of South America and in only fifteen hours the waves reached Hawaii. There was a total of sixty one people who were left dead. Tsunamis can travel at speeds up to seven hundred and twenty kilometers an hour. ”)

Although adequate, including more specific details from the text would enhance the writer’s comparison of the two natural occurrences with greater clarity. (“ Tsunamis are very powerful and can cross from one side of an ocean to the other in less than twenty four hours. It releases amazing destructive force on the islands or anywhere. In the year 1960 there was an earthquake that occurred off the coast of South America and in only fifteen hours the waves reached Hawaii. ”)

The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the text. (“ In the year 1991 a ship called ‘Atlas Pride’ lost most of her bow. The huge waves of ocean rouge took out five thousand tons of steel. The culprit of the accident was the wave. Captain Davies said ‘this wave came out of no where and just overwhelmed the ship, and she went down.’ For many years people and scientists could not comprehend the answer as to why there were so many rogue waves in an are and accidents occurring. Until one day scientist had plotted all the damaged ships and had found a pattern that was emerging. ”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by providing some background information about rogue waves and tsunamis. (“ Tsunami is a Japanese word that means ‘harbor waves.’ Tsunamis are not the only huge waves in the ocean, another wave called ocean rogue waves are just as enormous. These two natural occurrences can sometimes measure over one hundred feet tall. These two waves over all can cause great massive amounts of destruction with their power and speed. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ For many years people and scientists could not comprehend the answer as to why there were so many rogue waves in an are and accidents occurring. Until one day scientist had plotted all the damaged ships and had found a pattern that was emerging. All of the ships lay in the path of one of the world's strongest ocean currents called the "Agulhas current." This specific current runs down from the Indian Ocean into the Atlantic. This current can reach up to speeds as to ten miles per hour and that is very strong just for a current. ”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The conclusion includes a warning to the readers about the power of rogue waves and tsunamis . (“ Over all these two waves, ocean rogue and tsunamis are massive waves. These waves are definitely indestructible and extremely powerful. Theses waves are also something to be cautious about because if you aren't there could be a severe tsunami coming and you won't be prepared. Always be on the look out for these waves. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Tsunamis are mostly caused by undersea or coastal earthquakes, volcanoes, or landslides. All of these events can release great energy. Tsunamis are very powerful and can cross from one side of an ocean to the other in less than twenty four hours. It releases amazing destructive force on the islands or anywhere. In the year 1960 there was an earthquake that occurred off the coast of South America and in only fifteen hours the waves reached Hawaii. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately informs the readers about the rogue waves and tsunamis occurring in nature. (“ Over all these two waves, ocean rogue and tsunamis are massive waves. These waves are definitely indestructible and extremely powerful. Theses waves are also something to be cautious about because if you aren't there could be a severe tsunami coming and you won't be prepared. Always be on the look out for these waves. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ Ocean rogue waves arise as the wind blows across the sea. As winds increase the waves tend to build in tremendous size. Waves move faster than some others. In these treacherous waters over one thousand ships have been foundered in the water. In the year 1991 a ship called ‘Atlas Pride’ lost most of her bow. The huge waves of ocean rouge took out five thousand tons of steel. The culprit of the accident was the wave. Captain Davies said ‘this wave came out of no where and just overwhelmed the ship, and she went down.’ ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ For many years people and scientists could not comprehend the answer as to why there were so many rogue waves in an are and accidents occurring. Until one day scientist had plotted all the damaged ships and had found a pattern that was emerging. All of the ships lay in the path of one of the world's strongest ocean currents called the ‘Agulhas current.’ This specific current runs down from the Indian Ocean into the Atlantic. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this statement i will talking about the difference between tsunami and rogue waves. My reseach on tsunami and rogue wave, i believe tsunami is more dangerous than rogue wave. Tsunami is know as "Harbour Wave" and the rogue wave is know as many names such as "Freak Wave, Monster Wave, Killer Wave, etc." Tsunami are made of series of water waves caused by the displacement of a large volume of a body of the water. The Rogue Wave are made of relatively large and spontaneous ocean surface waves that occur far out at sea. I believe tsunami are more deadly and here is why.

Tsunami waves do not resemble normal sea waves. Japan was most hit by Tsunami. When two plates are hit togather it sends a big brust of energy to the sea. In the deepest water the waves go be fast and for the salow water it goes up to ten story building. As soon as it comes to cars, houses, trees, etc. the waves will bring all the items back with it. This means that the water is very powerful.

It seems like every time a tsunami comes and when its over houses and citys have to be rebuild. Almost 2,000 to 20,000 people died of the horrifying waves. Most tsunamis can reach up to an 18 foot wall. In Japan when people who help build or clean or help others in Japan seems its hard to get to Japan because its such a mess. Japan is very glad they have pandas to help them warn others because pandas can tell if something bad is going to happen. The biggest tsunami was recorded to 1,720 feet tall and chances are it will happen again.

On the other hand rogue waves is twice the size as the sighificant wave height. Sighificant i the third largest wave in the wave record. Not as big as tsunamis though. Physical factors such as high winds and strong currents cause waves to merge to creat a single large wave. In my opinon, I believe rogue waves are not as dangerous are tsunamis. In fact, rogue waves go up to maybe 10 feet high, close to tsunami level.

In concluson, I proved that tsunamis are more dangerous and horrifying than rogue waves. I believe that Japan or any other place should be blessed that pandas can tell weither something bad is going to happen, plus they are beauitful animals too. Hopefully Japan or other citys or so are safe and will survive these horrible, deadly, waves. This will be the end of my statement.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she implies few connections between the text and task through the central/controlling idea. The essay contains details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the controlling idea in a very limited way. He/she should improve the focus of the controlling idea by referencing the text information more effectively. (“ In this statement i will talking about the difference between tsunami and rogue waves. My reseach on tsunami and rogue wave, i believe tsunami is more dangerous than rogue wave. Tsunami is know as ‘Harbour Wave’ and the rogue wave is know as many names such as ‘Freak Wave, Monster Wave, Killer Wave, etc.’ Tsunami are made of series of water waves caused by the displacement of a large volume of a body of the water. The Rogue Wave are made of relatively large and spontaneous ocean surface waves that occur far out at sea. I believe tsunami are more deadly and here is why.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. He/she is attempting to present a comparison of the two natural occurrences, but the details are too limited to accomplish the task. (“ On the other hand rogue waves is twice the size as the sighificant wave height. Sighificant i the third largest wave in the wave record. Not as big as tsunamis though. Physical factors such as high winds and strong currents cause waves to merge to creat a single large wave. In my opinon, I believe rogue waves are not as dangerous are tsunamis. In fact, rogue waves go up to maybe 10 feet high, close to tsunami level.”)

The writer should include more meaningful examples from the text to fully compare the two occurrences happening in nature. (“ I believe rogue waves are not as dangerous are tsunamis. In fact, rogue waves go up to maybe 10 feet high, close to tsunami level. In concluson, I proved that tsunamis are more dangerous and horrifying than rogue waves. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Some sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ On the other hand rogue waves is twice the size as the sighificant wave height. Sighificant i the third largest wave in the wave record. Not as big as tsunamis though. Physical factors such as high winds and strong currents cause waves to merge to creat a single large wave. In my opinon, I believe rogue waves are not as dangerous are tsunamis. In fact, rogue waves go up to maybe 10 feet high, close to tsunami level. ”)

Some ideas do not fully support the thesis. (“ I believe that Japan or any other place should be blessed that pandas can tell weither something bad is going to happen, plus they are beauitful animals too. ”)

The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should connect ideas clearly to support the writer’s ideas. (“ It seems like every time a tsunami comes and when its over houses and citys have to be rebuild. Almost 2,000 to 20,000 people died of the horrifying waves. Most tsunamis can reach up to an 18 foot wall. In Japan when people who help build or clean or help others in Japan seems its hard to get to Japan because its such a mess. Japan is very glad they have pandas to help them warn others because pandas can tell if something bad is going to happen. The biggest tsunami was recorded to 1,720 feet tall and chances are it will happen again. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. (“ In this statement i will talking about the difference between tsunami and rogue waves. My reseach on tsunami and rogue wave, i believe tsunami is more dangerous than rogue wave. Tsunami is know as ‘Harbour Wave’ and the rogue wave is know as many names such as ‘Freak Wave, Monster Wave, Killer Wave, etc.’ Tsunami are made of series of water waves caused by the displacement of a large volume of a body of the water. The Rogue Wave are made of relatively large and spontaneous ocean surface waves that occur far out at sea. I believe tsunami are more deadly and here is why.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and sentences are needed to enhance the flow and sequence of the writer’s ideas. (“ It seems like every time a tsunami comes and when its over houses and citys have to be rebuild. Almost 2,000 to 20,000 people died of the horrifying waves. Most tsunamis can reach up to an 18 foot wall. In Japan when people who help build or clean or help others in Japan seems its hard to get to Japan because its such a mess. Japan is very glad they have pandas to help them warn others because pandas can tell if something bad is going to happen. ”)

The writer’s conclusion neglects to effectively summarize his/her ideas; however, he/she manages to give the readers a sense of closure. (“ In concluson, I proved that tsunamis are more dangerous and horrifying than rogue waves. I believe that Japan or any other place should be blessed that pandas can tell weither something bad is going to happen, plus they are beauitful animals too. Hopefully Japan or other citys or so are safe and will survive these horrible, deadly, waves. This will be the end of my statement. ”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. (“ Tsunami waves do not resemble normal sea waves. Japan was most hit by Tsunami. When two plates are hit togather it sends a big brust of energy to the sea.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ In Japan when people who help build or clean or help others in Japan seems its hard to get to Japan because its such a mess. ”)

Many of the sentences are informal and the word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ Japan is very glad they have pandas to help them warn others because pandas can tell if something bad is going to happen. The biggest tsunami was recorded to 1,720 feet tall and chances are it will happen again. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, the spelling of words is checked, and proper use of words within the context of sentences is ensured. (“ When two plates are hit togather it sends a big brust of energy to the sea. In the deepest water the waves go be fast and for the salow water it goes up to ten story building. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Rouge waves and tsunamis have more than you think in comman to one another. You may think rouge waves aren't dangerous and is caused me curents under the water. Most of you may not even have any idea of what a tsunamis is, that's about to change.

Rouge waves aren't caused by a mysterious curent under the ocean. It's cause by something above the water, wind. As the wind flows across the water it creates waves which causes the under water curent. As the wind get faster the waves get larger. the same charicterist of a simple wave but of course are much stronger, they can get to be so strong that it could put holes into a steal ship. Science started to notice ship wrecks along the Aguals current, now ships go 100 miles South, known as the safe route.

Tsunamis is a Japanis name for harbor wave. Tsnamis waves are very large in size and powerful. It takes less than twenty-four hours for a tsunamis to travel to the other isde of the ocean. Tsunamis are caused by three natual causes, underwathe landslides, earthquakes, and landslide. Waves don't move water, they move energy. Tsunamis can get up to thirty meters above sea level. They apear to be so dangrous to us on land because the closer it gets to the land th larger it'll become.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and makes illogical and/or unnecessary connections between text and task through the central/controlling idea. Additionally, the writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. Overall, few parts of the task are completed.

The writer only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“Rouge waves and tsunamis have more than you think in comman to one another. You may think rouge waves aren't dangerous and is caused me curents under the water. Most of you may not even have any idea of what a tsunamis is, that's about to change. ”)

The writer does not focus on giving the readers a comprehensive comparison of the two natural occurrences described in the text. More details from the text geared at highlighting the comparisons between the two are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ Rouge waves and tsunamis have more than you think in comman to one another. You may think rouge waves aren't dangerous and is caused me curents under the water. Most of you may not even have any idea of what a tsunamis is, that's about to change. ”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“ Tsunamis are caused by three natual causes, underwathe landslides, earthquakes, and landslide. Waves don't move water, they move energy. Tsunamis can get up to thirty meters above sea level. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally, but manages to provide some details from the text. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes) . Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or are not cited correctly.

There is some evidence from the text that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“ Rouge waves aren't caused by a mysterious curent under the ocean. It's cause by something above the water, wind. As the wind flows across the water it creates waves which causes the under water curent. As the wind get faster the waves get larger. the same charicterist of a simple wave but of course are much stronger, they can get to be so strong that it could put holes into a steal ship. Science started to notice ship wrecks along the Aguals current, now ships go 100 miles South, known as the safe route. ”)

The writer does not devote content to a comparison of the two natural occurrences as required in the prompt task. Rather, he/she creates an informative response that identifies rogue waves and tsunamis and their characteristics, but it neglects to complete a comparison of the two natural occurrences. (“ Tsunamis is a Japanis name for harbor wave. Tsnamis waves are very large in size and powerful. It takes less than twenty-four hours for a tsunamis to travel to the other isde of the ocean. Tsunamis are caused by three natual causes, underwathe landslides, earthquakes, and landslide. ”)

Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate the comparison between the two natural occurrences. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes that give the readers a comprehensive comparison of the two natural occurrences described in the text. (“ You may think rouge waves aren't dangerous and is caused me curents under the water. Most of you may not even have any idea of what a tsunamis is, that's about to change. Rouge waves aren't caused by a mysterious curent under the ocean. It's cause by something above the water, wind. As the wind flows across the water it creates waves which causes the under water curent. As the wind get faster the waves get larger. the same charicterist of a simple wave but of course are much stronger, they can get to be so strong that it could put holes into a steal ship. ”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. Effective transitional devices and paragraphing are not used to promote the flow and sequence of ideas. Additionally, there is no evidence of a conclusion to give the readers a sense of closure.

The writer does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Rouge waves and tsunamis have more than you think in comman to one another. You may think rouge waves aren't dangerous and is caused me curents under the water. Most of you may not even have any idea of what a tsunamis is, that's about to change. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ the same charicterist of a simple wave but of course are much stronger, they can get to be so strong that it could put holes into a steal ship. Science started to notice ship wrecks along the Aguals current, now ships go 100 miles South, known as the safe route. ”)

The writer does not include a conclusion; the response ends with the body paragraph about tsunamis. The writer needs to provide a conclusion that summarizes ideas and gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Tsunamis can get up to thirty meters above sea level. They apear to be so dangrous to us on land because the closer it gets to the land th larger it'll become. ”)

Language Use & Style

The minimal structure of many sentences impedes the effective communication of ideas. (“ As the wind get faster the waves get larger. the same charicterist of a simple wave but of course are much stronger, they can get to be so strong that it could put holes into a steal ship. Science started to notice ship wrecks along the Aguals current, now ships go 100 miles South, known as the safe route. ”)

Many of the sentences are short and choppy. (“ Tsunamis is a Japanis name for harbor wave. Tsnamis waves are very large in size and powerful. It takes less than twenty-four hours for a tsunamis to travel to the other isde of the ocean. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (“ It's cause by something above the water, wind. As the wind flows across the water it creates waves which causes the under water curent. As the wind get faster the waves get larger. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“ Tsnamis waves are very large in size and powerful. It takes less than twenty-four hours for a tsunamis to travel to the other isde of the ocean. Tsunamis are caused by three natual causes, underwathe landslides, earthquakes, and landslide. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The waves go along the wind blowing them, they start off as kapulary waves only just a few inches across once the wind increases the waves get bigger. Some move faster then others, then they comedian and create even bigger ones, sense waves can grow to be 100 feet tell its no argument that they can cut throw 7,000 tons of metal.

Scientist and people that would like to learn and study the almost everyday massive waves. The purpose of this paragraph was most likely so that people will be more cantions before they go out on a windy day. It makes it stand were it says that waves can become dangerous in the most unbelievable places. So far there has not been a ship that can go across the sea in one piece do to the ruff waves.

All in all the high seas is one thing you do not want to tangle with because over all the deaths that people have suffered there still hasn't been a boat that could fight to survive the ruffles waves of see.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task and makes little or no connection between the text and task through a central/controlling idea. The writer lacks an awareness of audience as well. The essay does not satisfy the main requirements of the prompt task.

The writer neglects to state a central/controlling idea and does not develop a response that compares the two natural occurrences of tsunamis and rogue waves. (“The waves go along the wind blowing them, they start off as kapulary waves only just a few inches across once the wind increases the waves get bigger. Some move faster then others, then they comedian and create even bigger ones, sense waves can grow to be 100 feet tell its no argument that they can cut throw 7,000 tons of metal. ”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details from the text to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ Scientist and people that would like to learn and study the almost everyday massive waves. The purpose of this paragraph was most likely so that people will be more cantions before they go out on a windy day. It makes it stand were it says that waves can become dangerous in the most unbelievable places. ”)

The essay’s lack of specific details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“ So far there has not been a ship that can go across the sea in one piece do to the ruff waves. All in all the high seas is one thing you do not want to tangle with because over all the deaths that people have suffered there still hasn't been a boat that could fight to survive the ruffles waves of see. ”)

Content & Development

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“ Scientist and people that would like to learn and study the almost everyday massive waves. The purpose of this paragraph was most likely so that people will be more cantions before they go out on a windy day. It makes it stand were it says that waves can become dangerous in the most unbelievable places. ”)

In the brief response, there are no relevant main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“ Some move faster then others, then they comedian and create even bigger ones, sense waves can grow to be 100 feet tell its no argument that they can cut throw 7,000 tons of metal. ”)

Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“ Scientist and people that would like to learn and study the almost everyday massive waves. The purpose of this paragraph was most likely so that people will be more cantions before they go out on a windy day. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate as well. The writer’s introduction and conclusion are ineffective. There is evidence of paragraphing, but no transitional devices were employed to guide the readers through the response. The lack of a unified structure impedes the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not engage the readers’ attention; it is actually difficult to determine from the introduction what the essay is going to be about. (“ The waves go along the wind blowing them, they start off as kapulary waves only just a few inches across once the wind increases the waves get bigger. Some move faster then others, then they comedian and create even bigger ones, sense waves can grow to be 100 feet tell its no argument that they can cut throw 7,000 tons of metal. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ The purpose of this paragraph was most likely so that people will be more cantions before they go out on a windy day. It makes it stand were it says that waves can become dangerous in the most unbelievable places. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ All in all the high seas is one thing you do not want to tangle with because over all the deaths that people have suffered there still hasn't been a boat that could fight to survive the ruffles waves of see. ”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are syntactical issues that affect understanding for the intended audience. (“ It makes it stand were it says that waves can become dangerous in the most unbelievable places. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Some move faster then others, then they comedian and create even bigger ones, sense waves can grow to be 100 feet tell its no argument that they can cut throw 7,000 tons of metal. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“ So far there has not been a ship that can go across the sea in one piece do to the ruff waves. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The writer neglects to do many of these things effectively. (“ they start off as kapulary waves only just a few inches across once the wind increases the waves get bigger. Some move faster then others, then they comedian and create even bigger ones, sense waves can grow to be 100 feet tell its no argument that they can cut throw 7,000 tons of metal. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

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Middle_School_Text-based_Informational_Models_February_2019_revised.doc