Imagine you live in colonial America and have lived through the events of 1763–1775. Given everything that has happened, do you think it is possible for the colonies to remain faithful to Britain, or must they declare independence and fight if necessary?

In a multi-paragraph essay, present your position on the colonies remaining under British rule. Be sure to use facts and details to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

June 15, 1775

Dear People of the New Revolution,

It has come to my attention that it simply cannot be done. We must separate from our mother country, Great Britain. All their new laws, all their unjust deeds towards us, have hurt us and angered many, and gave us the reasons why we must form a new government that will include all the rights every free man deserved the moment he was born. We're not allowed to grow, to live freely, and to complain about the crown's unreasonable offenses towards us colonists. It is time that we free ourselves and live the way we want to, the way that it should've been when we stepped on this land. Let me give you the reasons why we should, and where this all began.

After our victory over the French and Indian War, the British had begun to limit our freedom with the Proclamation of 1763. This law forbids any colonist to settle west of the Appalachian Mountains, which would be in fertile Ohio Valley. Some of us thought it unfair to deny ourselves from living in that area, being so fertile and perfect to grow crops and livestock. But the laws turned a bit worse, like the Quartering Act. This law forced every colonist to provide food and shelter for British soldiers when needed. This act was clearly unfair for us, using our hard-earned money to pay the cost of their stay, and will never be returned.

The colonies and Britain are like a mother and growing child. Pretty soon, the child will be a young adult, in search of his independence so he can have his own prospering family and success. But the mother wants him to be always by her side, never a grown man. How will the colonies ever grow on their own now? The only way now is by force: war and rebellion. After the Quartering Act, it was clear that independence wasn't an option for us. The Sugar Act would pass in 1764, giving a tax on sugar, molasses, and other goods imported here. As James Otis himself had said, we cannot be taxed without a representative representing us in Parliament: "Taxation without representation is tyranny!" And yet, more taxation would come. The Stamp Act, for instance, came in 1765, declaring that every legal and commercial document must have a stamp showing that a tax has been paid. Sadly, we were all affected, instead of only merchants, with the Sugar Act. It just wasn't enough for the British Crown; we had to pay for stamps with silver coins. Silver coins hardly exist in these colonies; they're too rare!

With our various protests, the Stamp Act was finally repealed. With a little complaint, we got to remove a law! But to no avail, for the Townshend Acts would be passed in 1767. More taxes were placed on imported goods such as glass, lead, paint, and tea. All these taxes that we must pay are used to pay the salaries of the very governors and officials that made these laws and passed them! To add more to these acts, soldiers would use writs of assistance to search our homes for smuggled goods. Already, they have passed the line of our privacy. Still, the British government would need more of our money to pay for their costly deeds.

Now to those who still want to be loyal to your Highness: I must inform you that it is time to change. It is now our time to turn a new leaf and create new life here in bountiful and amazing America. Just look at all the laws passed. Take the Tea Act, for example. The Tea Act placed a tax on the most ridiculous thing, tea, which we all drink, practically every day, at every hour. Must we pay so much for a simple pleasure? The Boston Tea Party in 1773 was not so big a deal for the harsh acts that would come in 1774: the Intolerable Acts. Parliament had crossed the line of punishing a simple revolt with tyrannical and harsh laws. These recent laws consist of closing our ports, until we pay for the tea. This punished all of us instead of the portion of men that tried to defy the law. Some of our leaders also tried to make one last attempt of peace with the king, but he had denied it. Join us, Loyalists, to fight for our freedom from Britain's prejudiced laws.

Parliament's laws have hurt us and provided us reasons why we need a new government that will treat us colonists with dignity and respect. Peace is simply not an option with the crown, so the only way we'll go is with war and rebellion, boycotts and revolts. A revolt is what we've used to rid ourselves of their unjust laws, and a revolution is what we shall use to find the independence we deserve. If war is the only way we'll receive it, then war it shall be!

Sincerely,

John Smith

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful assertion to effectively argue the issue. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with a statement asserting his/her position on the issue. (“We're not allowed to grow, to live freely, and to complain about the crown's unreasonable offenses towards us colonists. It is time that we free ourselves and live the way we want to, the way that it should've been when we stepped on this land. Let me give you the reasons why we should, and where this all began.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively support the writer’s position on the issue. (“With our various protests, the Stamp Act was finally repealed. With a little complaint, we got to remove a law! But to no avail, for the Townshend Acts would be passed in 1767. More taxes were placed on imported goods such as glass, lead, paint, and tea. All these taxes that we must pay are used to pay the salaries of the very governors and officials that made these laws and passed them! To add more to these acts, soldiers would use writs of assistance to search our homes for smuggled goods. Already, they have passed the line of our privacy. Still, the British government would need more of our money to pay for their costly deeds.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that independence for the colonists is the only option, given the vile treatment they received from the British crown. (“Parliament had crossed the line of punishing a simple revolt with tyrannical and harsh laws. These recent laws consist of closing our ports, until we pay for the tea. This punished all of us instead of the portion of men that tried to defy the law. Some of our leaders also tried to make one last attempt of peace with the king, but he had denied it. Join us, Loyalists, to fight for our freedom from Britain's prejudiced laws. Parliament's laws have hurt us and provided us reasons why we need a new government that will treat us colonists with dignity and respect. Peace is simply not an option with the crown, so the only way we'll go is with war and rebellion, boycotts and revolts. A revolt is what we've used to rid ourselves of their unjust laws, and a revolution is what we shall use to find the independence we deserve. If war is the only way we'll receive it, then war it shall be!”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she thoroughly develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific and relevant details to support a stated position on the issue of independence for the colonists. Additionally, the writer aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her stance on the issue. (“Now to those who still want to be loyal to your Highness: I must inform you that it is time to change. It is now our time to turn a new leaf and create new life here in bountiful and amazing America. Just look at all the laws passed. Take the Tea Act, for example. The Tea Act placed a tax on the most ridiculous thing, tea, which we all drink, practically every day, at every hour. Must we pay so much for a simple pleasure? The Boston Tea Party in 1773 was not so big a deal for the harsh acts that would come in 1774: the Intolerable Acts. Parliament had crossed the line of punishing a simple revolt with tyrannical and harsh laws. These recent laws consist of closing our ports, until we pay for the tea. This punished all of us instead of the portion of men that tried to defy the law. Some of our leaders also tried to make one last attempt of peace with the king, but he had denied it. Join us, Loyalists, to fight for our freedom from Britain's prejudiced laws.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“The colonies and Britain are like a mother and growing child. Pretty soon, the child will be a young adult, in search of his independence so he can have his own prospering family and success. But the mother wants him to be always by her side, never a grown man. How will the colonies ever grow on their own now? The only way now is by force: war and rebellion. After the Quartering Act, it was clear that independence wasn't an option for us. The Sugar Act would pass in 1764, giving a tax on sugar, molasses, and other goods imported here. As James Otis himself had said, we cannot be taxed without a representative representing us in Parliament: ‘Taxation without representation is tyranny!’ And yet, more taxation would come. The Stamp Act, for instance, came in 1765, declaring that every legal and commercial document must have a stamp showing that a tax has been paid.”)

The details the writer uses to argue his/her position are comprehensive and include a challenge to readers. (“With our various protests, the Stamp Act was finally repealed. With a little complaint, we got to remove a law! But to no avail, for the Townshend Acts would be passed in 1767. More taxes were placed on imported goods such as glass, lead, paint, and tea. All these taxes that we must pay are used to pay the salaries of the very governors and officials that made these laws and passed them! To add more to these acts, soldiers would use writs of assistance to search our homes for smuggled goods. Already, they have passed the line of our privacy. Still, the British government would need more of our money to pay for their costly deeds… Parliament had crossed the line of punishing a simple revolt with tyrannical and harsh laws. These recent laws consist of closing our ports, until we pay for the tea. This punished all of us instead of the portion of men that tried to defy the law. Some of our leaders also tried to make one last attempt of peace with the king, but he had denied it. Join us, Loyalists, to fight for our freedom from Britain's prejudiced laws.”) The writer successfully demonstrates all the injustices hurled at the colonists, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and captures the readers’ attention. (“Dear People of the New Revolution, It has come to my attention that it simply cannot be done. We must separate from our mother country, Great Britain. All their new laws, all their unjust deeds towards us, have hurt us and angered many, and gave us the reasons why we must form a new government that will include all the rights every free man deserved the moment he was born. We're not allowed to grow, to live freely, and to complain about the crown's unreasonable offenses towards us colonists. It is time that we free ourselves and live the way we want to, the way that it should've been when we stepped on this land.”)

The writer uses effective transitions to help move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions help to show how ideas are related or connected. In this case, the writer’s use of subtle transitional phrases gives the response a sophisticated quality. (“After our victory over the French and Indian War, the British had begun to limit our freedom with the Proclamation of 1763. This law forbids any colonist to settle west of the Appalachian Mountains, which would be in fertile Ohio Valley. Some of us thought it unfair to deny ourselves from living in that area, being so fertile and perfect to grow crops and livestock. But the laws turned a bit worse, like the Quartering Act. This law forced every colonist to provide food and shelter for British soldiers when needed. This act was clearly unfair for us, using our hard-earned money to pay the cost of their stay, and will never be returned.”)

The conclusion effectively reiterates the argument and leaves the readers with a fervent call to action. (“Parliament's laws have hurt us and provided us reasons why we need a new government that will treat us colonists with dignity and respect. Peace is simply not an option with the crown, so the only way we'll go is with war and rebellion, boycotts and revolts. A revolt is what we've used to rid ourselves of their unjust laws, and a revolution is what we shall use to find the independence we deserve. If war is the only way we'll receive it, then war it shall be!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. He/she demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer uses emphatic language to argue his/her stance effectively. (“The Boston Tea Party in 1773 was not so big a deal for the harsh acts that would come in 1774: the Intolerable Acts. Parliament had crossed the line of punishing a simple revolt with tyrannical and harsh laws. These recent laws consist of closing our ports, until we pay for the tea. This punished all of us instead of the portion of men that tried to defy the law. Some of our leaders also tried to make one last attempt of peace with the king, but he had denied it. Join us, Loyalists, to fight for our freedom from Britain's prejudiced laws.”)

The writer creates varied sentences by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“The Sugar Act would pass in 1764, giving a tax on sugar, molasses, and other goods imported here. As James Otis himself had said, we cannot be taxed without a representative representing us in Parliament: ‘Taxation without representation is tyranny!’ And yet, more taxation would come. The Stamp Act, for instance, came in 1765, declaring that every legal and commercial document must have a stamp showing that a tax has been paid. Sadly, we were all affected, instead of only merchants, with the Sugar Act. It just wasn't enough for the British Crown; we had to pay for stamps with silver coins. Silver coins hardly exist in these colonies; they're too rare!”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers will thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“With our various protests, the Stamp Act was finally repealed. With a little complaint, we got to remove a law! But to no avail, for the Townshend Acts would be passed in 1767. More taxes were placed on imported goods such as glass, lead, paint, and tea. All these taxes that we must pay are used to pay the salaries of the very governors and officials that made these laws and passed them! To add more to these acts, soldiers would use writs of assistance to search our homes for smuggled goods. Already, they have passed the line of our privacy. Still, the British government would need more of our money to pay for their costly deeds.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“The colonies and Britain are like a mother and growing child. Pretty soon, the child will be a young adult, in search of his independence so he can have his own prospering family and success. But the mother wants him to be always by her side, never a grown man. How will the colonies ever grow on their own now? The only way now is by force: war and rebellion. After the Quartering Act, it was clear that independence wasn't an option for us.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The British keep making the people pay taxes, follow every law they pass, and let British soldiers invade the privacy of their own homes whenever they want. Due to their actions and the fact that Britain had power over America, America should declare independence through reasoning of a document but America might have to go through war against Britain to settle the argument of freedom. If Britain does not allow the Americans to have their own independence, they will have to go through very difficult and challenging battles against them. The British have a very well trained and experienced army that has not been defeated in a single war. The Americans, on the other hand, do not have an army of any sort, but a possible solution would have the colonists volunteer to form a militia to at least have a fighting chance for freedom. The British government is treating everyone unfairly by abusing their power and forcing the colonists to live the way they want them to live, under their control. Therefore, I submit that the colonists should fight for their independence.

The first reason that the colonists should have their independence is because the British have too much power and they are abusing it. They pass many unnecessary laws that result in the colonists getting mad because the laws prohibit many of the things that they are able to do. The Quartering Act, for example, was passed and this lets any British soldier barge into any civilian’s home and live there for any period of time. If any of the civilians argues against the British government, they would be arrested for committing treason. This led to the Boston Massacre, which only 5 people were killed in the battle. This would a good reason to fight Britain for freedom.

Another reason that the colonists disliked the British government is that Britain is denying the colonists certain freedoms. This would include the freedom of the civilians’ choice of religion and of press. If the civilians did practice their own religion and spoke in their mind, the soldiers burned the civilians' houses, their churches, and all their land that they owned. They would also arrest government officials and civilians for treason for choosing to do things their own way. The British government also denied the freedom of speech. This denied the colonists to speak their minds or print papers saying things against the British. If the people acted in this manner, they would also be arrested for committing treason. This act led to Thomas Paine writing his book called Common Sense.

Finally, the last reason that the colonists should declare their freedom would be due to Britain taxing them more than necessary. The Sugar Act was passed to make the colonists pay for sugar, molasses, etc. Then there was the Stamp Act that made the colonists pay for all of their printed paper goods. Another act was the Tea Act, which taxed the colonists on all their tea that they purchased and this act led to the Boston Tea Party. Then there was the Trade and Navigation Act that made the colonists pay for all their imported and exported goods. Another thing that they had to do was to buy for London and have their good shipped on British ships.

There are some reasons that make it hard for the colonists to decide if they should declare their independence from Britain. These reasons would include the fact that the colonists were rewarded for their loyalty to Britain and that the British government had a lot of money to invest. Another reason that made the decision hard was that the British have already established a strong government that had a lot power, and money. One other factor that made declaring independence hard was that the British already had a very well trained and very strong military and navy. The colonists having independence would mean that they would have established their own government, and recruit soldiers for an army and a navy to have fight against other countries if the time comes for the colonists to fight.

The colonists have plenty of reasons to fight Britain and declare their independence from them because the colonists have suffered too much to keep living the way they have been under British rule. They have paid a lot of money to the British government through their acts that make them pay taxes for almost everything they do. There are reasons that make it difficult to declare independence and these reasons would be that there is already a strong government established and that Britain has a significant amount of money to invest. Others' reasons would be that the colonists were rewarded for their loyalty and they were protected because the British have a very strong military and navy that were ready for any battle that came their way. But although all the conflicting reasons are strong reasons to consider, the American colonists should declare independence to be free and happy with their own way of life and with their own rules and government.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The writer satisfies most parts of the task by establishing and maintaining a clear position on the issue of independence for the colonists in 1763. He/she is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer captures the readers’ attention with a first-person perspective and a call to action in favor of gaining independence from Britain. (“The British keep making the people pay taxes, follow every law they pass, and let British soldiers invade the privacy of their own homes whenever they want. Due to their actions and the fact that Britain had power over America, America should declare independence through reasoning of a document but America might have to go through war against Britain to settle the argument of freedom… Therefore, I submit that the colonists should fight for their independence.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the issue presented in the prompt task. (“The first reason that the colonists should have their independence is because the British have too much power and they are abusing it. They pass many unnecessary laws that result in the colonists getting mad because the laws prohibit many of the things that they are able to do. The Quartering Act, for example, was passed and this lets any British soldier barge into any civilian’s home and live there for any period of time. If any of the civilians argues against the British government, they would be arrested for committing treason. This led to the Boston Massacre, which only 5 people were killed in the battle. This would a good reason to fight Britain for freedom.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Finally, the last reason that the colonists should declare their freedom would be due to Britain taxing them more than necessary. The Sugar Act was passed to make the colonists pay for sugar, molasses, etc. Then there was the Stamp Act that made the colonists pay for all of their printed paper goods. Another act was the Tea Act, which taxed the colonists on all their tea that they purchased and this act led to the Boston Tea Party. Then there was the Trade and Navigation Act that made the colonists pay for all their imported and exported goods. Another thing that they had to do was to buy for London and have their good shipped on British ships.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. He/she develops arguments using sufficient specific and relevant details to support the stated position. The writer clearly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stance on the issue. (“There are some reasons that make it hard for the colonists to decide if they should declare their independence from Britain. These reasons would include the fact that the colonists were rewarded for their loyalty to Britain and that the British government had a lot of money to invest. Another reason that made the decision hard was that the British have already established a strong government that had a lot power, and money. One other factor that made declaring independence hard was that the British already had a very well trained and very strong military and navy. The colonists having independence would mean that they would have established their own government, and recruit soldiers for an army and a navy to have fight against other countries if the time comes for the colonists to fight.”)

The writer’s details support his/her position by providing specific information that demonstrates the need for independence from Britain. (“Finally, the last reason that the colonists should declare their freedom would be due to Britain taxing them more than necessary. The Sugar Act was passed to make the colonists pay for sugar, molasses, etc. Then there was the Stamp Act that made the colonists pay for all of their printed paper goods. Another act was the Tea Act, which taxed the colonists on all their tea that they purchased and this act led to the Boston Tea Party. Then there was the Trade and Navigation Act that made the colonists pay for all their imported and exported goods. Another thing that they had to do was to buy for London and have their good shipped on British ships.”)

Details illustrate each main idea well. (“Another reason that the colonists disliked the British government is that Britain is denying the colonists certain freedoms. This would include the freedom of the civilians’ choice of religion and of press. If the civilians did practice their own religion and spoke in their mind, the soldiers burned the civilians' houses, their churches, and all their land that they owned. They would also arrest government officials and civilians for treason for choosing to do things their own way. The British government also denied the freedom of speech. This denied the colonists to speak their minds or print papers saying things against the British. If the people acted in this manner, they would also be arrested for committing treason. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitions to promote flow and sequence of ideas in the essay.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“If Britain does not allow the Americans to have their own independence, they will have to go through very difficult and challenging battles against them. The British have a very well trained and experienced army that has not been defeated in a single war. The Americans, on the other hand, do not have an army of any sort, but a possible solution would have the colonists volunteer to form a militia to at least have a fighting chance for freedom. The British government is treating everyone unfairly by abusing their power and forcing the colonists to live the way they want them to live, under their control. Therefore, I submit that the colonists should fight for their independence.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer should consider using varied transitional words and phrases to give the response a more sophisticated tone. (“The first reason that the colonists should have their independence is because the British have too much power and they are abusing it. They pass many unnecessary laws that result in the colonists getting mad because the laws prohibit many of the things that they are able to do. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“The colonists have plenty of reasons to fight Britain and declare their independence from them because the colonists have suffered too much to keep living the way they have been under British rule. They have paid a lot of money to the British government through their acts that make them pay taxes for almost everything they do. There are reasons that make it difficult to declare independence and these reasons would be that there is already a strong government established and that Britain has a significant amount of money to invest. Others' reasons would be that the colonists were rewarded for their loyalty and they were protected because the British have a very strong military and navy that were ready for any battle that came their way. But although all the conflicting reasons are strong reasons to consider, the American colonists should declare independence to be free and happy with their own way of life and with their own rules and government.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer’s language use effectively communicates the reasons for independence. (“The colonists have plenty of reasons to fight Britain and declare their independence from them because the colonists have suffered too much to keep living the way they have been under British rule. They have paid a lot of money to the British government through their acts that make them pay taxes for almost everything they do. There are reasons that make it difficult to declare independence and these reasons would be that there is already a strong government established and that Britain has a significant amount of money to invest. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“They pass many unnecessary laws that result in the colonists getting mad because the laws prohibit many of the things that they are able to do. The Quartering Act, for example, was passed and this lets any British soldier barge into any civilian’s home and live there for any period of time. If any of the civilians argues against the British government, they would be arrested for committing treason. This led to the Boston Massacre, which only 5 people were killed in the battle. This would a good reason to fight Britain for freedom.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Another reason that the colonists disliked the British government is that Britain is denying the colonists certain freedoms. This would include the freedom of the civilians’ choice of religion and of press. If the civilians did practice their own religion and spoke in their mind, the soldiers burned the civilians' houses, their churches, and all their land that they owned. They would also arrest government officials and civilians for treason for choosing to do things their own way. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“If the civilians did practice their own religion and spoke in their mind, the soldiers burned the civilians' houses, their churches, and all their land that they owned. They would also arrest government officials and civilians for treason for choosing to do things their own way. The British government also denied the freedom of speech. This denied the colonists to speak their minds or print papers saying things against the British. If the people acted in this manner, they would also be arrested for committing treason. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The French and Indian War was a massive conflict that involved Austria, England, France, Great Britain, Prussia, and Sweden. The battles and conflicts were in three main places: Europe, India, and North America. Great Britain needed supplies and money during the war, so they used American products and supplies to support the war. The English and the French were battling to obtain the land in North America to get their goods.

The colonies in America were increasingly growing due to the fact that there was a beginning of hostilities between the colonies and Great Britain. The American colonies have been suffering from Great Britain. Great Britain took away their copper, hemp, tar, and turpentine and other supplies and utilities the American colonies were forced to supply. The American colonies needed to be free and have Independence. Although, is that such a good idea?

There are many good things about declaring independence. The three main things are that the colonies will be free, they won't be part of the war and won't have to contribute to it, and they won't be controlled by Great Britain anymore. On the other hand, the American colonies would suffer hunger and be poor. Great Britain ruled over them and it will be difficult to remain free. They will also have to start all of the way over. They have to build their own country, and that could take time and effort. Another thing is that if they declare independence, they might not win the war and still be controlled and suffer from Great Britain.

If the colonies are free, they would be able to use their land as they please and won't have to be controlled by Great Britain. On the other hand, if they were completely free, they would have to start up an entire civilization and choose how to rule the government and such. Not being part of the war would be a huge bonus for the American colonies. They wouldn't have to worry about scarcity and money that it is so greatly needed in this world.

Another good thing about declaring independence is they have the freedom to choose whatever they would please. They wouldn't be used by Great Britain and they will be able to assist their needs to survive. A problem about declaring independence is everyone will be poor at first and they'll have to work together to create a civilization. The last problem about declaring independence is they might not win the war for independence against Great Britain. They would once again be controlled by the british if they didn't win the war.

Overall, I think that declaring independence against Great Britain is the best choice for the American colonies. There are a few risks the people may have to take, but I honestly think it was worth declaring independence so we were able to be a free country and have our own rights and standards!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. He/she establishes a position about the colonists’ rights to seek independence from Great Britain and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“The colonies in America were increasingly growing due to the fact that there was a beginning of hostilities between the colonies and Great Britain. The American colonies have been suffering from Great Britain. Great Britain took away their copper, hemp, tar, and turpentine and other supplies and utilities the American colonies were forced to supply. The American colonies needed to be free and have Independence.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“There are many good things about declaring independence. The three main things are that the colonies will be free, they won't be part of the war and won't have to contribute to it, and they won't be controlled by Great Britain anymore. On the other hand, the American colonies would suffer hunger and be poor. Great Britain ruled over them and it will be difficult to remain free. They will also have to start all of the way over. They have to build their own country, and that could take time and effort. Another thing is that if they declare independence, they might not win the war and still be controlled and suffer from Great Britain.”)

The writer focuses on arguments and counterarguments in many of the body paragraphs in the essay. By doing so, he/she establishes a balanced argument that supports the asserted position in a credible way. (“Another good thing about declaring independence is they have the freedom to choose whatever they would please. They wouldn't be used by Great Britain and they will be able to assist their needs to survive. A problem about declaring independence is everyone will be poor at first and they'll have to work together to create a civilization. The last problem about declaring independence is they might not win the war for independence against Great Britain. They would once again be controlled by the british if they didn't win the war.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer addresses potential counterarguments by weaving them into each body paragraph as he/she makes points to support the asserted stance. Incorporating specific and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas gives the argument more credibility.

Most of the writer’s details adequately support his/her stance on the issue. (“If the colonies are free, they would be able to use their land as they please and won't have to be controlled by Great Britain. On the other hand, if they were completely free, they would have to start up an entire civilization and choose how to rule the government and such. Not being part of the war would be a huge bonus for the American colonies. They wouldn't have to worry about scarcity and money that it is so greatly needed in this world.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“There are many good things about declaring independence. The three main things are that the colonies will be free, they won't be part of the war and won't have to contribute to it, and they won't be controlled by Great Britain anymore. On the other hand, the American colonies would suffer hunger and be poor. Great Britain ruled over them and it will be difficult to remain free. They will also have to start all of the way over. They have to build their own country, and that could take time and effort. Another thing is that if they declare independence, they might not win the war and still be controlled and suffer from Great Britain.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer weaves some content into each body paragraph that acknowledges potential counter viewpoints. (“Another good thing about declaring independence is they have the freedom to choose whatever they would please. They wouldn't be used by Great Britain and they will be able to assist their needs to survive. A problem about declaring independence is everyone will be poor at first and they'll have to work together to create a civilization. The last problem about declaring independence is they might not win the war for independence against Great Britain. They would once again be controlled by the british if they didn't win the war.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. He/she demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistency in paragraphing and repetitive transitional devices are used, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention by providing important background information to explain the colonists’ growing need for independence. (“Great Britain needed supplies and money during the war, so they used American products and supplies to support the war. The English and the French were battling to obtain the land in North America to get their goods. The colonies in America were increasingly growing due to the fact that there was a beginning of hostilities between the colonies and Great Britain. The American colonies have been suffering from Great Britain. Great Britain took away their copper, hemp, tar, and turpentine and other supplies and utilities the American colonies were forced to supply. The American colonies needed to be free and have Independence. Although, is that such a good idea?”)

The writer uses transitions to help demonstrate how ideas are related or connected. However, he/she should consider using a variety of transitional words or phrases to avoid a repetitious response. (“On the other hand, the American colonies would suffer hunger and be poor… If the colonies are free, they would be able to use their land as they please and won't have to be controlled by Great Britain. On the other hand, if they were completely free, they would have to start up an entire civilization and choose how to rule the government and such.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Overall, I think that declaring independence against Great Britain is the best choice for the American colonies. There are a few risks the people may have to take, but I honestly think it was worth declaring independence so we were able to be a free country and have our own rights and standards!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay contains appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“There are many good things about declaring independence. The three main things are that the colonies will be free, they won't be part of the war and won't have to contribute to it, and they won't be controlled by Great Britain anymore. On the other hand, the American colonies would suffer hunger and be poor. Great Britain ruled over them and it will be difficult to remain free. They will also have to start all of the way over. They have to build their own country, and that could take time and effort. Another thing is that if they declare independence, they might not win the war and still be controlled and suffer from Great Britain.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Overall, I think that declaring independence against Great Britain is the best choice for the American colonies. There are a few risks the people may have to take, but I honestly think it was worth declaring independence so we were able to be a free country and have our own rights and standards!”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments; however, variety in word choices would keep the essay from sounding repetitious. (“A problem about declaring independence is everyone will be poor at first and they'll have to work together to create a civilization. The last problem about declaring independence is they might not win the war for independence against Great Britain. They would once again be controlled by the british if they didn't win the war.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . The essay contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“The colonies in America were increasingly growing due to the fact that there was a beginning of hostilities between the colonies and Great Britain. The American colonies have been suffering from Great Britain. Great Britain took away their copper, hemp, tar, and turpentine and other supplies and utilities the American colonies were forced to supply. The American colonies needed to be free and have Independence. Although, is that such a good idea?”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that they made the right choice by being indipendent. But along with being independent came a lot of good and bad things. First of all, they got freedom, but they had to start from the bottom, agan.

One of the good things that happened was, they only passed laws in the best interest of England, not the colonies, so the colonies weren't getting a fair decision in anything. But they weren't free, like we are today. So by becoming Independent they became a free nation and got to have a fair say in all the choices being made.

One of the bad things that happened when we became Independent, which can actually be counted as a good thing too, is that we had to start from the bottom. But by doing that we were able to do things our own way and in our own style. I think that is one of the main reasons we have so many religions and religious beliefs in America today.

One of the reasons that we became independent is because we hated how Britain was in control, we didn't like being taxed on everything we buy, and we didn't like things being done without us getting a say in any of it. I think that is one of the biggest reasons we became independent. So we could be a free country.

Something that i thought was funny was that we didn't like the way England did things, so, we ignored their laws and did things on our own the way we liked to do them, and made our own laws.

Something that was kind of a downer was that, if we became independent, some of the wealthier people might lose their money, which effected everyone's decisions greatly.

Another thing that wasn't so good about becoming independent is, we would have a lot less people than we had before. Only about one third of the population of England. Both England and the Colonies would lose a tramendous amount of people.

The absolute most important reason in my opinion was that we, Americans, wanted freedome! We didn't want to be controlled all the time, and have to follow orders, we liked doing things our own way and being able to speak our minds.

Overall I think that is was an amazing decision to become independent. We, as a nation, have grown and descovered so much since then, its amazing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states a position on the argument of independence but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited position on the issue with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I think that they made the right choice by being indipendent. But along with being independent came a lot of good and bad things. First of all, they got freedom, but they had to start from the bottom, agan.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the asserted position. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“One of the reasons that we became independent is because we hated how Britain was in control, we didn't like being taxed on everything we buy, and we didn't like things being done without us getting a say in any of it. I think that is one of the biggest reasons we became independent. So we could be a free country. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers but is very limited in effectively arguing his/her point of view. (“The absolute most important reason in my opinion was that we, Americans, wanted freedome! We didn't want to be controlled all the time, and have to follow orders, we liked doing things our own way and being able to speak our minds.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on independence for the colonists in 1763. The writer does attempt to address counterarguments, but it is only in a very limited way.

The writer is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Something that was kind of a downer was that, if we became independent, some of the wealthier people might lose their money, which effected everyone's decisions greatly.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her position. (“Something that i thought was funny was that we didn't like the way England did things, so, we ignored their laws and did things on our own the way we liked to do them, and made our own laws.”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for independence, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for the many positive aspects of acquiring independence, but the supporting examples are too limited to effectively reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“Another thing that wasn't so good about becoming independent is, we would have a lot less people than we had before. Only about one third of the population of England. Both England and the Colonies would lose a tramendous amount of people.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay’s introduction does little to grab the readers’ attention. (“I think that they made the right choice by being indipendent. But along with being independent came a lot of good and bad things. First of all, they got freedom, but they had to start from the bottom, agan.”)

Transitions are included between paragraphs and between sentences in a limited way. The writer uses the same transitions throughout, which give the response a repetitive tone. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more varied transitions that can be used to promote effective flow and sequence in the essay. (“Something that i thought was funny was that we didn't like the way England did things, so, we ignored their laws and did things on our own the way we liked to do them, and made our own laws. Something that was kind of a downer was that, if we became independent, some of the wealthier people might lose their money, which effected everyone's decisions greatly. Another thing that wasn't so good about becoming independent is, we would have a lot less people than we had before.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. (“Overall I think that is was an amazing decision to become independent. We, as a nation, have grown and descovered so much since then, its amazing.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, he/she relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The writer uses forms of informal language or slang in portions of the essay. (“Something that i thought was funny was that we didn't like the way England did things, so, we ignored their laws and did things on our own the way we liked to do them, and made our own laws. Something that was kind of a downer was that, if we became independent, some of the wealthier people might lose their money, which effected everyone's decisions greatly.”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“One of the good things that happened was, they only passed laws in the best interest of England, not the colonies, so the colonies weren't getting a fair decision in anything. But they weren't free, like we are today. So by becoming Independent they became a free nation and got to have a fair say in all the choices being made.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous paragraphs with the words “One of the...” (“One of the bad things that happened when we became Independent, which can actually be counted as a good thing too, is that we had to start from the bottom. But by doing that we were able to do things our own way and in our own style. I think that is one of the main reasons we have so many religions and religious beliefs in America today. One of the reasons that we became independent is because we hated how Britain was in control, we didn't like being taxed on everything we buy, and we didn't like things being done without us getting a say in any of it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Both England and the Colonies would lose a tramendous amount of people. The absolute most important reason in my opinion was that we, Americans, wanted freedome!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I don't, do not think we should stay with faithful to Britain because the way they run things down there I do not approve of. We shouldn't need to listen to them if were more than 500 miles away because it is are land, and we need to listen to them. Why should we listen to someone who didn't bother coming over here in the first place. Columbus found this country by an accident by going the wrong way. They, want to reduce duties on sugar and molasses mostly they want inforce the law more strictly. Well, I say you don't have a say you red coat this is are land so go back to Great Britain. I think, if they come over here that I well fight because this is are land and not there's.

The reason, why I don't think we should let them be hear because is they'll raise the taxes and that would be terrible don't we pay enough money for tea and food. It would be good if they came and helped because of their army. If they come here they'll want to rule it and take charge and have everything their way. They could help us conquer way more land. The bad thing is they'll want all the credit. They could give us tips and how to be a strong country. They can find out are secrets and over through us as a country.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of fighting for independence. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined position concerning the issue. (“ I don't, do not think we should stay with faithful to Britain because the way they run things down there I do not approve of. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“Well, I say you don't have a say you red coat this is are land so go back to Great Britain. I think, if they come over here that I well fight because this is are land and not there's.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ Columbus found this country by an accident by going the wrong way. They, want to reduce duties on sugar and molasses mostly they want inforce the law more strictly. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to argue his/her stance on the issue of whether or not fighting against Britain for independence was the right decision. The writer lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the stated position. Additionally, he/she does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“Well, I say you don't have a say you red coat this is are land so go back to Great Britain. I think, if they come over here that I well fight because this is are land and not there's.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Additionally, the writer should earmark at least one paragraph to address possible counter points of view. He/she should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“It would be good if they came and helped because of their army. If they come here they'll want to rule it and take charge and have everything their way. They could help us conquer way more land. The bad thing is they'll want all the credit. They could give us tips and how to be a strong country.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I don't, do not think we should stay with faithful to Britain because the way they run things down there I do not approve of. We shouldn't need to listen to them if were more than 500 miles away because it is are land, and we need to listen to them. Why should we listen to someone who didn't bother coming over here in the first place. ”)

The essay does not include supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Well, I say you don't have a say you red coat this is are land so go back to Great Britain. I think, if they come over here that I well fight because this is are land and not there's. The reason, why I don't think we should let them be hear because is they'll raise the taxes and that would be terrible don't we pay enough money for tea and food. It would be good if they came and helped because of their army.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“They could give us tips and how to be a strong country. They can find out are secrets and over through us as a country.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs incorrect word choices and many of the ideas are repetitive in nature. (“We shouldn't need to listen to them if were more than 500 miles away because it is are land, and we need to listen to them. Why should we listen to someone who didn't bother coming over here in the first place. ”)

The writer lacks style and voice in the essay. (“The reason, why I don't think we should let them be hear because is they'll raise the taxes and that would be terrible don't we pay enough money for tea and food. It would be good if they came and helped because of their army. If they come here they'll want to rule it and take charge and have everything their way. They could help us conquer way more land.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The writer commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“They, want to reduce duties on sugar and molasses mostly they want inforce the law more strictly. Well, I say you don't have a say you red coat this is are land so go back to Great Britain. I think, if they come over here that I well fight because this is are land and not there's.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think in my personal opinion they should fight for independence. The reason I chose that is because the british have been treating them really bad and they have been putting taxes on tea. they found it not the british even though they came form there that dont give the british rights to take over their land and many of them dont like what their doing. they tried fighting back but they lost and sometimes they won. They have been treated like slaves and some of the times.They found that land and the british can't claim the land that they did not find.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits inadequate focus and meaning, and the writer satisfies few requirements of the task. He/she demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion statement for the argument presented, and little effort is made to support the asserted stance in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails in providing detailed, supporting arguments that would communicate the writer’s ideas in a meaningful way. (“ I think in my personal opinion they should fight for independence. The reason I chose that is because the british have been treating them really bad and they have been putting taxes on tea. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate or effective language. (“they tried fighting back but they lost and sometimes they won. They have been treated like slaves and some of the times.They found that land and the british can't claim the land that they did not find.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ they found it not the british even though they came form there that dont give the british rights to take over their land and many of them dont like what their doing. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments on the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the essay does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include specific details to support the stated position on the issue. (“The reason I chose that is because the british have been treating them really bad and they have been putting taxes on tea. they found it not the british even though they came form there that dont give the british rights to take over their land and many of them dont like what their doing. ”)

Supporting paragraphs are needed, with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The essay response is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“ they tried fighting back but they lost and sometimes they won. They have been treated like slaves and some of the times. ”)

The essay does not contain facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. Additionally, the writer neglects to include a counterargument that would acknowledge the opposing points of view on the issue. (“They found that land and the british can't claim the land that they did not find.”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate . It demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices used in the essay.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think in my personal opinion they should fight for independence. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ they found it not the british even though they came form there that dont give the british rights to take over their land and many of them dont like what their doing. they tried fighting back but they lost and sometimes they won. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“They have been treated like slaves and some of the times.They found that land and the british can't claim the land that they did not find.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choices, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I think in my personal opinion they should fight for independence. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“they found it not the british even though they came form there that dont give the british rights to take over their land and many of them dont like what their doing. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ they found it not the british even though they came form there that dont give the british rights to take over their land and many of them dont like what their doing. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Four-Day School Week

Recently, a school district in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to change the traditional school schedule from a five-day week to a four-day week. This change is intended to save the school district money, but it may cost parents and students money and opportunities in the long run. All of the students in your class have heard this news. Some are thrilled; however, some believe that this change will have a negative impact on learning and extracurricular activities.

In a well-developed, multi-paragraph essay, state your position on this issue and then persuade your fellow classmates to join you in a call to action to either shorten your school week to four days, or to keep the five-day school week. You must provide compelling reasons for your argument, and address and rebut the counterarguments. Be sure to include facts, statistics, or any other relevant information to strengthen your view on this issue.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many students express overwhelming happiness when informed about a four day school week, but an abundance of these children do not realize the consequences of having a shorter school schedule. Decreasing a student's time in school can affect all students, whether they are in elementary school, middle school, high school, or college. Many students feel that a shorter schedule would give them a break from work; however, decreasing their schedule will ultimately limit a child's knowledge and his opportunities for the future. Kids need a way to express themselves and to show their knowledge, and school is one of the few ways they are able to do so. So, if we limit a student's school week, it is as if we are lowering his self-esteem as well. School-aged children should not have a shorter school week because it gives students too much free time, will lower the students' social achievements, and will limit the students' ability to increase their academic achievement.

Giving students more free time in their daily lives can lead to horrible decisions, mentally and physically. When faced with hours of free time, children will often become lazy and inactive, forming bad habits for their body and brain. A child's body needs at least two hours of physical activity a day, and limiting a day of physical care cuts off oxygen to the heart and brain. Fat cells and other sugars will build up on the body, forming fat and ultimately causing a child to become unhealthy. Becoming unhealthy at an early age will increase a child's chances of heart disease, cancer, and other ailments in their lifetime. So if we limit just one day of physical education, it will also limit oxygen, energy levels, and mental concentration. Adding excess free time to a student's life can also cause a child to form bad habits. An average parent works five days a week, so when a child is alone, what do you expect him to do? Research has shown that children tend to not follow the basic rules when alone, inviting their friends over, having parties, damaging property, stealing, and watching inappropriate films. "I always feel nervous when leaving my kids alone, knowing they're up to some trouble," says T.P., a mother of two boys. I know that you might think that your child is responsible, but research has shown that children can become curious and do something unexpected, which is why it is far too risky to leave your child alone. Children should stay with the five day schedule so they can learn and participate in physical activity, instead of wasting a day doing something unimportant and potentially dangerous.

Limiting a child's academic knowledge is certainly not the right way of handling a child's future. Children need all the time they can get to become intelligent and organized, as well as needing the preparation for high school and college. For example, many schools in China have fifty more days of school than in the U.S. , and their levels of academic achievement are far higher than ours. So if we limit another day of school for our children, we are also limiting a child's time to learn. If schools start to change the schedule to a four day week, children are missing out on over forty days of school! This time can be used for learning opportunities and study skills for a child, giving a student a variety of opportunities in the future. Children shouldn't be limited in choosing a type of job, which is why school districts should fit in as much teaching as they can, making a child's life successful. Children should also keep their schedule consistent, or their brain may suffer from memory decay. Memory decay occurs when the brain doesn't review a subject, causing your brain to forget a part of knowledge you once knew. You might think that a child can't forget something over three days, but research has shown that memory loss can occur in a matter of hours! I doubt that anyone wants to forget something he has just learned, so let's stay with the five day schedule, and learn as much as we can!

In addition to academics, learning how to make friends and being in relationships is a big part of school. Children need the preparation and experience of interacting with other students, learning how to share, converse, take turns, help one another, and show politeness. Students who are limited to a four day school week might often feel lonely or depressed without anyone to talk to. In order for students to practice being social with other children, they have to get used to being around them for a certain period of time. This is especially true for shy and quiet children. Having this amount of school is a perfect opportunity for quiet students to express themselves to other peers, showing their personality, hobbies, and possibly making a friend. It is important to feel like you belong in a group of friends, and when you aren't in school often, their self-esteem may drop, leading to depression and possibly suicidal thoughts. You might believe that time away from friends can lower peer pressure, but being with friends actually encourages students to form the basic social skills necessary for daily life.

As you can see, eliminating a day of school will definitely affect a child's life, no matter what age. Academic and physical achievement is a huge resource in a child's life, and eliminating these materials can cause a student to be unsuccessful. Children of all ages need as much time as they can to become role models and scholars, and school is the perfect place for children to do so. Eliminating a school day is only holding a child back from his actual potential, such as learning new things and getting the exercise he needs. Having a shorter schedule will only give students wasteful time, limit them from learning the basics of social activity, and lower a child's rate of academic achievement. Now, do you really want to risk the chance of becoming an unsuccessful student?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay conveys very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the readers. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. (“Many students express overwhelming happiness when informed about a four day school week, but an abundance of these children do not realize the consequences of having a shorter school schedule. Decreasing a student's time in school can affect all students, whether they are in elementary school, middle school, high school, or college. Many students feel that a shorter schedule would give them a break from work; however, decreasing their schedule will ultimately limit a child's knowledge and his opportunities for the future.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Many students express overwhelming happiness when informed about a four day school week, but an abundance of these children do not realize the consequences of having a shorter school schedule. Decreasing a student's time in school can affect all students, whether they are in elementary school, middle school, high school, or college. Many students feel that a shorter schedule would give them a break from work; however, decreasing their schedule will ultimately limit a child's knowledge and his opportunities for the future. Kids need a way to express themselves and to show their knowledge, and school is one of the few ways they are able to do so.”)

The writer’s thesis creatively states what he/she believes about the issue. (“School-aged children should not have a shorter school week because it gives students too much free time, will lower the students' social achievements, and will limit the students' ability to increase their academic achievement.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support his/her position. Additionally, the essay convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“You might think that a child can't forget something over three days, but research has shown that memory loss can occur in a matter of hours! I doubt that anyone wants to forget something he has just learned, so let's stay with the five day schedule, and learn as much as we can! …You might believe that time away from friends can lower peer pressure, but being with friends actually encourages students to form the basic social skills necessary for daily life.”)

The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Limiting a child's academic knowledge is certainly not the right way of handling a child's future. Children need all the time they can get to become intelligent and organized, as well as needing the preparation for high school and college. For example, many schools in China have fifty more days of school than in the U.S. , and their levels of academic achievement are far higher than ours. So if we limit another day of school for our children, we are also limiting a child's time to learn. If schools start to change the schedule to a four day week, children are missing out on over forty days of school! This time can be used for learning opportunities and study skills for a child, giving a student a variety of opportunities in the future. Children shouldn't be limited in choosing a type of job, which is why school districts should fit in as much teaching as they can, making a child's life successful. Children should also keep their schedule consistent, or their brain may suffer from memory decay. Memory decay occurs when the brain doesn't review a subject, causing your brain to forget a part of knowledge you once knew. You might think that a child can't forget something over three days, but research has shown that memory loss can occur in a matter of hours! I doubt that anyone wants to forget something he has just learned, so let's stay with the five day schedule, and learn as much as we can!”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention, or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“Now, do you really want to risk the chance of becoming an unsuccessful student?”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Giving students more free time in their daily lives can lead to horrible decisions, mentally and physically. When faced with hours of free time, children will often become lazy and inactive, forming bad habits for their body and brain. A child's body needs at least two hours of physical activity a day, and limiting a day of physical care cuts off oxygen to the heart and brain. Fat cells and other sugars will build up on the body, forming fat and ultimately causing a child to become unhealthy. Becoming unhealthy at an early age will increase a child's chances of heart disease, cancer, and other ailments in their lifetime. So if we limit just one day of physical education, it will also limit oxygen, energy levels, and mental concentration. Adding excess free time to a student's life can also cause a child to form bad habits. An average parent works five days a week, so when a child is alone, what do you expect him to do? Research has shown that children tend to not follow the basic rules when alone, inviting their friends over, having parties, damaging property, stealing, and watching inappropriate films.”)

Organization

The essay is very effectively organized. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Many students express overwhelming happiness when informed about a four day school week, but an abundance of these children do not realize the consequences of having a shorter school schedule. Decreasing a student's time in school can affect all students, whether they are in elementary school, middle school, high school, or college. Many students feel that a shorter schedule would give them a break from work; however, decreasing their schedule will ultimately limit a child's knowledge and his opportunities for the future. Kids need a way to express themselves and to show their knowledge, and school is one of the few ways they are able to do so. So, if we limit a student's school week, it is as if we are lowering his self-esteem as well. School-aged children should not have a shorter school week because it gives students too much free time, will lower the students' social achievements, and will limit the students' ability to increase their academic achievement.”)

The writer states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Many students express overwhelming happiness when informed about a four day school week, but an abundance of these children do not realize the consequences of having a shorter school schedule. Decreasing a student's time in school can affect all students, whether they are in elementary school, middle school, high school, or college. Many students feel that a shorter schedule would give them a break from work; however, decreasing their schedule will ultimately limit a child's knowledge and his opportunities for the future. Kids need a way to express themselves and to show their knowledge, and school is one of the few ways they are able to do so. So, if we limit a student's school week, it is as if we are lowering his self-esteem as well. School-aged children should not have a shorter school week because it gives students too much free time, will lower the students' social achievements, and will limit the students' ability to increase their academic achievement.”)

The writer effectively uses transitional devices to lead his/her readers to the conclusion. (“In addition to academics, learning how to make friends and being in relationships is a big part of school. Children need the preparation and experience of interacting with other students, learning how to share, converse, take turns, help one another, and show politeness. …As you can see, eliminating a day of school will definitely affect a child's life, no matter what age.”)

The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“As you can see, eliminating a day of school will definitely affect a child's life, no matter what age. Academic and physical achievement is a huge resource in a child's life, and eliminating these materials can cause a student to be unsuccessful. Children of all ages need as much time as they can to become role models and scholars, and school is the perfect place for children to do so. Eliminating a school day is only holding a child back from his actual potential, such as learning new things and getting the exercise he needs. Having a shorter schedule will only give students wasteful time, limit them from learning the basics of social activity, and lower a child's rate of academic achievement. Now, do you really want to risk the chance of becoming an unsuccessful student?”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; the writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Adding excess free time to a student's life can also cause a child to form bad habits. An average parent works five days a week, so when a child is alone, what do you expect him to do? Research has shown that children tend to not follow the basic rules when alone, inviting their friends over, having parties, damaging property, stealing, and watching inappropriate films. ‘I always feel nervous when leaving my kids alone, knowing they're up to some trouble,’ says T.P., a mother of two boys.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“An average parent works five days a week, so when a child is alone, what do you expect him to do? …You might think that a child can't forget something over three days, but research has shown that memory loss can occur in a matter of hours! I doubt that anyone wants to forget something he has just learned, so let's stay with the five day schedule, and learn as much as we can!”)

The compound sentence, “ Children of all ages need as much time as they can to become role models and scholars, and school is the perfect place for children to do so,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions, as it contains few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“When faced with hours of free time, children will often become lazy and inactive, forming bad habits for their body and brain.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Currently, our school district is facing some serious budget problems. So, the state is making up to 11 million dollars in budget cuts for its schools. So, many people are coming up with different ways to compensate, including laying off teachers, increasing class sizes, and even cutting important elective programs. Some have pondered the idea to create a four-day school week. It's a brilliant idea for some, but a questionable one for others. This is a good idea because of many reasons.

First of all, a four day school week is a good idea because it will significantly cut the costs for the school district and the state. Most of these savings are on utility bills. With a four day school week, all schools will save a lot of money on electricity, water, gas, and many other small service bills. If there was no fifth day in the school week, we would not need to use heaters, air conditioners, and lights for the students. Also, the schools would save a lot of money on hiring teachers and staff members. Cleanup, food preparation, and office staff would not be needed to run the school properly. Since teachers are paid by wages, the district would also need to spend less money on pay. In addition to that, the school district would need to spend less money on free and reduced lunches for students. If the students are not at school, they would not need to have reduced meals.

It is also known that time away from school is the perfect opportunity to expand the students' interests and knowledge outside of academics. A four day school week is the perfect opportunity to take extracurricular activities. These include but are not limited to sports, writing classes, art classes, acting classes, etc. Not only do these activities prepare students for later on in life, they sometimes even expand their academic skills.

Finally, a four day week causes less stress on students, staff members, teachers, and parents. Many parents' stress would be reduced tremendously if they only had to drive their children to school four days instead of five. In addition to that, parents would not have to make lunches and worry about grades for that one extra day. All of the staff members would not have to drive to work and would save a huge amount of gas bills. Students would also get a day to relax so they wouldn't overstress over homework.

Now, you may be considering the fact that the aforementioned extracurricular activities will cost quite a bundle of money. Luckily, there are many state sponsored activities that are free or close to free. The last issue to be addressed is how some students might forget what they have learned over the longer weekend. Luckily, teachers may be instructed to assign review activities to refresh students' minds. As you can see, this idea of a four day school week benefits everyone if people are willing to compromise a little.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay displays good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear position to persuade readers and, furthermore, d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, completing most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“ Currently, our school district is facing some serious budget problems.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ First of all, a four day school week is a good idea because it will significantly cut the costs for the school district and the state. …A four day school week is the perfect opportunity to take extracurricular activities. …Finally, a four day week causes less stress on students, staff members, teachers, and parents.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ Now, you may be considering the fact that the aforementioned extracurricular activities will cost quite a bundle of money. Luckily, there are many state sponsored activities that are free or close to free. The last issue to be addressed is how some students might forget what they have learned over the longer weekend. Luckily, teachers may be instructed to assign review activities to refresh students' minds. As you can see, this idea of a four day school week benefits everyone if people are willing to compromise a little.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are good. The writer develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. In addition, the writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ Now, you may be considering the fact that the aforementioned extracurricular activities will cost quite a bundle of money. Luckily, there are many state sponsored activities that are free or close to free.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“ Finally, a four day week causes less stress on students, staff members, teachers, and parents. Many parents' stress would be reduced tremendously if they only had to drive their children to school four days instead of five. In addition to that, parents would not have to make lunches and worry about grades for that one extra day. All of the staff members would not have to drive to work and would save a huge amount of gas bills. Students would also get a day to relax so they wouldn't overstress over homework.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ First of all, a four day school week is a good idea because it will significantly cut the costs for the school district and the state. Most of these savings are on utility bills. With a four day school week, all schools will save a lot of money on electricity, water, gas, and many other small service bills. If there was no fifth day in the school week, we would not need to use heaters, air conditioners, and lights for the students. Also, the schools would save a lot of money on hiring teachers and staff members. Cleanup, food preparation, and office staff would not be needed to run the school properly. Since teachers are paid by wages, the district would also need to spend less money on pay. In addition to that, the school district would need to spend less money on free and reduced lunches for students. If the students are not at school, they would not need to have reduced meals.”)

Organization

The essay consists of good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, as well as consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ Currently, our school district is facing some serious budget problems. So, the state is making up to 11 million dollars in budget cuts for its schools. So, many people are coming up with different ways to compensate, including laying off teachers, increasing class sizes, and even cutting important elective programs. Some have pondered the idea to create a four-day school week. It's a brilliant idea for some, but a questionable one for others. This is a good idea because of many reasons.”)

The writer uses transitional devices to lead his/her readers to the conclusion. (“ First of all, a four day school week is a good idea because it will significantly cut the costs for the school district and the state. Most of these savings are on utility bills. …Finally, a four day week causes less stress on students, staff members, teachers, and parents.”)

Reasons are presented in a logical order. (“ First of all, a four day school week is a good idea because it will significantly cut the costs for the school district and the state. …It is also known that time away from school is the perfect opportunity to expand the students' interests and knowledge outside of academics. … Finally, a four day week causes less stress on students, staff members, teachers, and parents.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“ Now, you may be considering the fact that the aforementioned extracurricular activities will cost quite a bundle of money. Luckily, there are many state sponsored activities that are free or close to free. The last issue to be addressed is how some students might forget what they have learned over the longer weekend. Luckily, teachers may be instructed to assign review activities to refresh students' minds. As you can see, this idea of a four day school week benefits everyone if people are willing to compromise a little.”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or adds more details. (“ It's a brilliant idea for some, but a questionable one for others.”)

The complex sentence, “ If there was no fifth day in the school week, we would not need to use heaters, air conditioners, and lights for the students,” is used well.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay shows good control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Not only do these activities prepare students for later on in life, they sometimes even expand their academic skills.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Classmates,

Hello, I attend middle school as a seventh grader. I am writing to you to inform you about why a four-day week of school is not such a good idea. I am against having a four-day week of school because of its disadvantages. Therefore I will state the disadvantages in the following paragraphs. Hopefully that will persuade you to change your mind about having a four-day week of school.

My first reason why a four-day week is a bad idea is because the hours of school will extend to a longer day. Longer hours at school can lead to getting out of school late. Some students that are in school for a long time are usually less focused in school because they just want to get everything over with. Also, since the hours extend and when you get out of school late you may not have enough time to do your things at home before it's time for bed. For example, when you get home you may not have time to study because it's too late it may be time for bed! If you keep reading you will see my other reasons why I am against a four-day week.

My second reason why a four-day week is a bad a idea is because it may take time away from sports or activities after school. If your on a school team and you have practice right after school for probably two hours it may be cut down to an hour and that's not good. Players on the team may need more than one hour to practice. I'm sure there's a certain amount of time your coach would want you to practice, that's why practices are held right after school so they can start right away to not waste time. Also, not having enough hours to practice may lead to loss of skills in that sport. Please keep reading the following paragraphs to understand more why I am against a four-day week.

My third reason why a four-day week is a bad idea is there might be less time to cover material. Some students may need extra hours maybe even an extra day to cover material they're struggling in. Since the week is shorter the hours may extend and more material and work will be assigned. Also, your teacher might teach all the material that needed to be covered that certain day, that can be confusing. Since having longer hours and more material to work on, you may not have time to do homework after school because of all the homework assigned in other classes.

I know there are kids who would like 4 day because then they will have a long weekend to hang out with there friends. I am not sure how much time they will have when they are to busy doing all the work they need to get done, plus their parents will not have anyone to watch them or there younger brothers and sisters. Four day will cost moms and dads more money with babysitters. Unless they make you do it.

Those are all my reasons why I think a four-day week is a bad idea. A four-day week can have other faults. In the last paragraphs I mentioned a few of them. A four-day week may not be the best idea. Hopefully the reasons I mentioned persuaded you to be against a four-day week as I am.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning presented in this essay are adequate. The writer establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the readers. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ I am against having a four-day week of school because of its disadvantages.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ My first reason why a four-day week is a bad idea is because the hours of school will extend to a longer day. Longer hours at school can lead to getting out of school late. Some students that are in school for a long time are usually less focused in school because they just want to get everything over with.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ Hello, I attend middle school as a seventh grader. I am writing to you to inform you about why a four-day week of school is not such a good idea. I am against having a four-day week of school because of its disadvantages. Therefore I will state the disadvantages in the following paragraphs. Hopefully that will persuade you to change your mind about having a four-day week of school.”)

Content & Development

The essay features adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. In addition, the essay adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“My first reason why a four-day week is a bad idea is because the hours of school will extend to a longer day. Longer hours at school can lead to getting out of school late. Some students that are in school for a long time are usually less focused in school because they just want to get everything over with. Also, since the hours extend and when you get out of school late you may not have enough time to do your things at home before it's time for bed. For example, when you get home you may not have time to study because it's too late it may be time for bed! If you keep reading you will see my other reasons why I am against a four-day week.”)

At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“My third reason why a four-day week is a bad idea is there might be less time to cover material. Some students may need extra hours maybe even an extra day to cover material they're struggling in. Since the week is shorter the hours may extend and more material and work will be assigned. Also, your teacher might teach all the material that needed to be covered that certain day, that can be confusing. Since having longer hours and more material to work on, you may not have time to do homework after school because of all the homework assigned in other classes.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“My second reason why a four-day week is a bad a idea is because it may take time away from sports or activities after school. If your on a school team and you have practice right after school for probably two hours it may be cut down to an hour and that's not good. Players on the team may need more than one hour to practice. I'm sure there's a certain amount of time your coach would want you to practice, that's why practices are held right after school so they can start right away to not waste time. Also, not having enough hours to practice may lead to loss of skills in that sport. Please keep reading the following paragraphs to understand more why I am against a four-day week.”)

The writer briefly addresses readers’ concerns by acknowledging those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“I know there are kids who would like 4 day because then they will have a long weekend to hang out with there friends. I am not sure how much time they will have when they are to busy doing all the work they need to get done, plus their parents will not have anyone to watch them or there younger brothers and sisters. Four day will cost moms and dads more money with babysitters. Unless they make you do it.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer includes some transition between paragraphs and between sentences. (“ My first reason why a four-day week is a bad idea is because the hours of school will extend to a longer day. …Also, since the hours extend and when you get out of school late you may not have enough time to do your things at home before it's time for bed. For example, when you get home you may not have time to study because it's too late it may be time for bed!”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“ My second reason why a four-day week is a bad a idea is because it may take time away from sports or activities after school. If your on a school team and you have practice right after school for probably two hours it may be cut down to an hour and that's not good. Players on the team may need more than one hour to practice. I'm sure there's a certain amount of time your coach would want you to practice, that's why practices are held right after school so they can start right away to not waste time. Also, not having enough hours to practice may lead to loss of skills in that sport.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“ Those are all my reasons why I think a four-day week is a bad idea. A four-day week can have other faults. In the last paragraphs I mentioned a few of them. A four-day week may not be the best idea. Hopefully the reasons I mentioned persuaded you to be against a four-day week as I am.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Hello, I attend middle school as a seventh grader. I am writing to you to inform you about why a four-day week of school is not such a good idea. …Also, since the hours extend and when you get out of school late you may not have enough time to do your things at home before it's time for bed. For example, when you get home you may not have time to study because it's too late it may be time for bed!”)

The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ For example, when you get home you may not have time to study because it's too late it may be time for bed!”)

Word choice is sometimes poor; for example, the word “bad” is used throughout the essay. A stronger, more specific word would be more effective. (“ My first reason why a four-day week is a bad idea is because the hours of school will extend to a longer day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows adequate control of mechanics and conventions. Noticeable are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Since the week is shorter the hours may extend and more material and work will be assigned. Also, your teacher might teach all the material that needed to be covered that certain day, that can be confusing.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A four day school week is a good idea and should be considered for all schools. A four day school week has many benifits as compared to the regular five day week. One thing that is better about a four day school week is that you have more time to hang out with friends and you can do alot more stuff in a full day. These are only some of the advantages to a full day week, you can only imagine all the possibilities.

One advantage the four day week has, versus the five day week, is that it gives you more time to hang out with friends. I know alot of people are saying it doesnt give give you any more time, but the truth of the matter is that no one does anything on a school day. The average student has enough homework that by the time they finish, they have to eat dinner, and then after dinner there isnt realy much to do. If we had three full days to hang out, then we would see our friends alot more, and probably, be alittle happier. Then after a while, students start to get tired of the regular rutine and will purposely skip school to hang out with some friends. I know a girl in my math class, and every couple of weeks she will take a "personal day", probably with a friend or two, and just skip school to hang out with them. If they had a four day week, they would probably skip shool less.

Another reson a four day week should be considered is because if the class time increases then what you could do during that class would also increas. For example in science class some of the labs we try to do take about 45 minutes so the teacher has no time to tell us what to do, fifteen minutes (which is how much longer the class would be), is all that you need to get a better understanding. Also in spanish, and some other classes, when we try to take a test, we run out of time and have to spend time that was time the student should have been in another class, but it only took a maximum of 15 minutes. As it can be seen, most times it is just a difference of 15 minutes, the diference between a four and five day school week.

In conclusion a four day week is alot better for both students and teacher and therefore should be considered everywhere.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states a position, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The essay also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The essay’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“One thing that is better about a four day school week is that you have more time to hang out with friends and you can do alot more stuff in a full day.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear, convincing, or creative way. (“A four day school week is a good idea and should be considered for all schools. A four day school week has many benifits as compared to the regular five day week. One thing that is better about a four day school week is that you have more time to hang out with friends and you can do alot more stuff in a full day. These are only some of the advantages to a full day week, you can only imagine all the possibilities.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“A four day school week is a good idea and should be considered for all schools. A four day school week has many benifits as compared to the regular five day week. One thing that is better about a four day school week is that you have more time to hang out with friends and you can do alot more stuff in a full day. These are only some of the advantages to a full day week, you can only imagine all the possibilities.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of limited content and development. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position.

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“ Another reson a four day week should be considered is because if the class time increases then what you could do during that class would also increas. For example in science class some of the labs we try to do take about 45 minutes so the teacher has no time to tell us what to do, fifteen minutes (which is how much longer the class would be), is all that you need to get a better understanding. Also in spanish, and some other classes, when we try to take a test, we run out of time and have to spend time that was time the student should have been in another class, but it only took a maximum of 15 minutes. As it can be seen, most times it is just a difference of 15 minutes, the diference between a four and five day school week.”)

At least three topic sentences are needed to elaborate on the main argument of the essay; this particular essay only has two. (“ One advantage the four day week has, versus the five day week, is that it gives you more time to hang out with friends. … Another reson a four day week should be considered is because if the class time increases then what you could do during that class would also increas.”)

The essay needs details ( specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) that are clear, correct, and specific. (“One advantage the four day week has, versus the five day week, is that it gives you more time to hang out with friends. I know alot of people are saying it doesnt give give you any more time, but the truth of the matter is that no one does anything on a school day. The average student has enough homework that by the time they finish, they have to eat dinner, and then after dinner there isnt realy much to do. If we had three full days to hang out, then we would see our friends alot more, and probably, be alittle happier.”)

Organization

The essay above consists of limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“A four day school week is a good idea and should be considered for all schools. A four day school week has many benifits as compared to the regular five day week. One thing that is better about a four day school week is that you have more time to hang out with friends and you can do alot more stuff in a full day. These are only some of the advantages to a full day week, you can only imagine all the possibilities.”)

There is evidence of some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. (“Another reson a four day week should be considered is because if the class time increases then what you could do during that class would also increas. …In conclusion a four day week is alot better for both students and teacher and therefore should be considered everywhere.”)

The conclusion may not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“In conclusion a four day week is alot better for both students and teacher and therefore should be considered everywhere.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay displays limited use of language and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice, and it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Use the thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“ One thing that is better about a four day school week is that you have more time to hang out with friends and you can do alot more stuff in a full day.”)

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“ Another reson a four day week should be considered is because if the class time increases then what you could do during that class would also increas.”)

There is repetition, as the phrase “four-day school week” is repeated throughout. (“ A four day school week is a good idea and should be considered for all schools. A four day school week has many benifits as compared to the regular five day week. One thing that is better about a four day school week is that you have more time to hang out with friends and you can do alot more stuff in a full day. These are only some of the advantages to a full day week, you can only imagine all the possibilities.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“The average student has enough homework that by the time they finish, they have to eat dinner, and then after dinner there isnt realy much to do. If we had three full days to hang out, then we would see our friends alot more, and probably, be alittle happier.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The school District in Pennsylvania is the firrrrst in the state to change a five day week to a four day week for the students that go to that school in that state. it would be great for the school district because it saves money from their budget si then they can give it to all the schools in that state. But the students or the pupils does not get much ofn an education because they will not get many days of school to learn.Parents will think this can be a negative impact on their school district and they can not be what they thoght to be here in the united states

Parents should have a stirke on what the school district is doing to theb schools all over the state of pennsylvania and this can be a negative impact on our Country. All the students can be pleased with what the school district is doing to making the school days to 4 day weekend. But some teachers may think that they need the rest for both the students and the teachers to get rest for their brains so they can both do great in schools.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay delivers minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating a thesis, as well as minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. Only few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“The school District in Pennsylvania is the firrrrst in the state to change a five day week to a four day week for the students that go to that school in that state. it would be great for the school district because it saves money from their budget si then they can give it to all the schools in that state. But the students or the pupils does not get much ofn an education because they will not get many days of school to learn.Parents will think this can be a negative impact on their school district and they can not be what they thoght to be here in the united states”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“The school District in Pennsylvania is the firrrrst in the state to change a five day week to a four day week for the students that go to that school in that state. it would be great for the school district because it saves money from their budget si then they can give it to all the schools in that state. But the students or the pupils does not get much ofn an education because they will not get many days of school to learn.Parents will think this can be a negative impact on their school district and they can not be what they thoght to be here in the united states”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“The school District in Pennsylvania is the firrrrst in the state to change a five day week to a four day week for the students that go to that school in that state. it would be great for the school district because it saves money from their budget si then they can give it to all the schools in that state. But the students or the pupils does not get much ofn an education because they will not get many days of school to learn.Parents will think this can be a negative impact on their school district and they can not be what they thoght to be here in the united states”)

Content & Development

M inimal content and development are seen in this essay. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position. However, the writer does consider opposing points of view or counterarguments.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“Parents should have a stirke on what the school district is doing to theb schools all over the state of pennsylvania and this can be a negative impact on our Country. All the students can be pleased with what the school district is doing to making the school days to 4 day weekend. But some teachers may think that they need the rest for both the students and the teachers to get rest for their brains so they can both do great in schools.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Parents should have a stirke on what the school district is doing to theb schools all over the state of pennsylvania and this can be a negative impact on our Country. All the students can be pleased with what the school district is doing to making the school days to 4 day weekend. But some teachers may think that they need the rest for both the students and the teachers to get rest for their brains so they can both do great in schools.”)

Important details (specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Parents should have a stirke on what the school district is doing to theb schools all over the state of pennsylvania and this can be a negative impact on our Country. All the students can be pleased with what the school district is doing to making the school days to 4 day weekend. But some teachers may think that they need the rest for both the students and the teachers to get rest for their brains so they can both do great in schools.”)

Organization

M inimal organization is exhibited in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The thesis statement cannot be found at the end of the introduction. (“The school District in Pennsylvania is the firrrrst in the state to change a five day week to a four day week for the students that go to that school in that state. it would be great for the school district because it saves money from their budget si then they can give it to all the schools in that state. But the students or the pupils does not get much ofn an education because they will not get many days of school to learn.Parents will think this can be a negative impact on their school district and they can not be what they thoght to be here in the united states”)

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“The school District in Pennsylvania is the firrrrst in the state to change a five day week to a four day week for the students that go to that school in that state. it would be great for the school district because it saves money from their budget si then they can give it to all the schools in that state. But the students or the pupils does not get much ofn an education because they will not get many days of school to learn.Parents will think this can be a negative impact on their school district and they can not be what they thoght to be here in the united states”)

Transitional words were not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“Parents should have a stirke on what the school district is doing to theb schools all over the state of pennsylvania and this can be a negative impact on our Country. All the students can be pleased with what the school district is doing to making the school days to 4 day weekend. But some teachers may think that they need the rest for both the students and the teachers to get rest for their brains so they can both do great in schools.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The writing features poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, basic errors in sentence structure and usage are made.

The writer should use the thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“But some teachers may think that they need the rest for both the students and the teachers to get rest for their brains so they can both do great in schools.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Parents will think this can be a negative impact on their school district and they can not be what they thoght to be here in the united states ”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“it would be great for the school district because it saves money from their budget si then they can give it to all the schools in that state.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer’s control of mechanics and conventions in this essay is minimal. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“it would be great for the school district because it saves money from their budget si then they can give it to all the schools in that state. …Parents will think this can be a negative impact on their school district and they can not be what they thoght to be here in the united states ”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including contractions or other versions of informal language. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

The purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are inadequate. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

Organization

The essay consists of inadequate organization. There is no evidence of structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not pose a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are predominately inadequate in this essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff. And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job.”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“I think four days is better. One thing is you can save money,lights and so on. The school can save on staff.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is evident in this essay. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“And buses pelut air and it not good the plant and the gas price I think its good to spend time with family members and say your the man or woman of the house you will need a job. And The teenager could take care of little kids. That why I think us kids should have four days”)

A Letter to Isabella and Ferdinand

In 1492, when Christopher Columbus needed funding for his risky voyage in search of a western trade route to the Orient, he wrote a letter to Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand in order to persuade the Spanish monarchs to sponsor his voyage. Later, Columbus accidentally sailed right into the New World.

Imagine that you are Columbus and find yourself in need of money to fund your uncertain venture across the Atlantic Ocean. Write a persuasive letter to Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand in which you make the case for your voyage. How will this voyage benefit Spain? What do you hope to achieve?

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Divine King Ferdinand and Gracious Queen Isabella,

I, Christopher Columbus, am writing to your majesties to present a proposal of promising fortune. I ask you to fund a great voyage to cross the Atlantic Ocean in search of a new trade route by sea to the Orient. On this journey, I hope to achieve what no other has before in finding a new and easier trade route to Asia. Intuitively, I will use my expertise and knowledge to bring benefits of vast wealth, fame, and more to your glorious Spain.

The discovery of this sea route to the Orient will result in an increase of profits in trade for Spain at a much easier price. I hope to find this route so that I can unearth a new and more efficient way of trading with the people of the Orient, who possess the more desirable goods. This sea route will be a much easier and safer passage than the land routes that contain brutal weather and thieves. Also, this new route will put an end to Muslim power over trade and commerce, and make lower selling prices and higher profits feasible. Spain will too, be able to seize control over European trade and commerce, giving Spain immense wealth. I aspire to accomplish the discovery of a better trade route and acquire wealth in the name of Spain.

Do not take heed in fretting over if this journey will be successful or whether I am competent or trustworthy enough to handle this because with my expertise, I will help Spain in becoming a pioneer in promoting new discoveries. I have had a formal education, but my seagoing career started at fourteen when I began to serve on various ships, and assuming an assortment of roles. The experiences I had on those ships taught me to navigate, be able to study works of Ptolemy and others about the world and its oceans, and become an experienced sailor. On this expedition, I anticipate I will discover a new sea route to the Orient that would bring wealth and fame, and also prove that I am an accomplished sea captain. All I ask is that you provide me with ships, supplies, sailors, a portion of the new affluence found, and a promise to promote me to admiral in return for a historical discovery that will bring countless benefits into play for Spain.

If you will but only fund this voyage so I may seek a new trade route in your name, I will in return, make sure that you are the first to benefit in ways that you never thought possible. Your names will go down in history as the famous King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella who were behind the discovery of the prosperous sea route to the Orient. Spain will gain the title of being Europe's leading traders and most wealthy and successful country since the Romans. By seizing control of trade to European countries, Spain will pay less to merchants and middlemen, and gain healthier profits. What's more, by permitting Spanish traders to take over this new-found sea route, Spain will gain knowledge of innovative ideas and advancements through transactions with Chinese traders. In return, Spain will be able to further spread Catholicism to those who have not yet found our divine God. This exchange of ideas will also help Spain become advanced and more knowledgeable about the ever-changing world. The great fortune that accompanies this discovery will make Spain the most affluent country in all of Europe.

This discovery will permit Spain to obtain power over countries through commerce, and lead Spain to become more innovative. With the unearthing of a more proficient trade route that Spain will exert dominance over, other counties will want to trade with your country, giving you more power over trade and consequently, more wealth. The people of Spain will see you as heroes for the pristine reputation that your country will have and will be grateful for the prosperity that the new route will bring. All the while, enemies will cower at the vast amount of power Spain would have. Spain will become more modernized as it exchanges views and ideas with the advanced civilizations in Asia, and the revolutionary discovery will allow Spain to turn into an illustrious country. I implore you to finance this memorable voyage that will lead to your fame and fortune. History awaits your reply.

Your Humble Subject,

Christopher Columbus

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Dear Divine King Ferdinand and Gracious Queen Isabella, I, Christopher Columbus, am writing to your majesties to present a proposal of promising fortune. I ask you to fund a great voyage to cross the Atlantic Ocean in search of a new trade route by sea to the Orient. On this journey, I hope to achieve what no other has before in finding a new and easier trade route to Asia. Intuitively, I will use my expertise and knowledge to bring benefits of vast wealth, fame, and more to your glorious Spain.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The discovery of this sea route to the Orient will result in an increase of profits in trade for Spain at a much easier price. I hope to find this route so that I can unearth a new and more efficient way of trading with the people of the Orient, who possess the more desirable goods. This sea route will be a much easier and safer passage than the land routes that contain brutal weather and thieves. Also, this new route will put an end to Muslim power over trade and commerce, and make lower selling prices and higher profits feasible. Spain will too, be able to seize control over European trade and commerce, giving Spain immense wealth. I aspire to accomplish the discovery of a better trade route and acquire wealth in the name of Spain.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“If you will but only fund this voyage so I may seek a new trade route in your name, I will in return, make sure that you are the first to benefit in ways that you never thought possible. Your names will go down in history as the famous King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella who were behind the discovery of the prosperous sea route to the Orient. Spain will gain the title of being Europe's leading traders and most wealthy and successful country since the Romans. By seizing control of trade to European countries, Spain will pay less to merchants and middlemen, and gain healthier profits. What's more, by permitting Spanish traders to take over this new-found sea route, Spain will gain knowledge of innovative ideas and advancements through transactions with Chinese traders. In return, Spain will be able to further spread Catholicism to those who have not yet found our divine God. This exchange of ideas will also help Spain become advanced and more knowledgeable about the ever-changing world. The great fortune that accompanies this discovery will make Spain the most affluent country in all of Europe.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that funding the voyage provides numerous advantages for Spain. (“This discovery will permit Spain to obtain power over countries through commerce, and lead Spain to become more innovative. With the unearthing of a more proficient trade route that Spain will exert dominance over, other counties will want to trade with your country, giving you more power over trade and consequently, more wealth. The people of Spain will see you as heroes for the pristine reputation that your country will have and will be grateful for the prosperity that the new route will bring. All the while, enemies will cower at the vast amount of power Spain would have. Spain will become more modernized as it exchanges views and ideas with the advanced civilizations in Asia, and the revolutionary discovery will allow Spain to turn into an illustrious country. I implore you to finance this memorable voyage that will lead to your fame and fortune. History awaits your reply.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of funding needed to support a voyage to discover a new trade route. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Do not take heed in fretting over if this journey will be successful or whether I am competent or trustworthy enough to handle this because with my expertise, I will help Spain in becoming a pioneer in promoting new discoveries.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I have had a formal education, but my seagoing career started at fourteen when I began to serve on various ships, and assuming an assortment of roles. The experiences I had on those ships taught me to navigate, be able to study works of Ptolemy and others about the world and its oceans, and become an experienced sailor. On this expedition, I anticipate I will discover a new sea route to the Orient that would bring wealth and fame, and also prove that I am an accomplished sea captain. All I ask is that you provide me with ships, supplies, sailors, a portion of the new affluence found, and a promise to promote me to admiral in return for a historical discovery that will bring countless benefits into play for Spain.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“The discovery of this sea route to the Orient will result in an increase of profits in trade for Spain at a much easier price. I hope to find this route so that I can unearth a new and more efficient way of trading with the people of the Orient, who possess the more desirable goods. This sea route will be a much easier and safer passage than the land routes that contain brutal weather and thieves. Also, this new route will put an end to Muslim power over trade and commerce, and make lower selling prices and higher profits feasible. Spain will too, be able to seize control over European trade and commerce, giving Spain immense wealth. I aspire to accomplish the discovery of a better trade route and acquire wealth in the name of Spain.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“Dear Divine King Ferdinand and Gracious Queen Isabella, I, Christopher Columbus, am writing to your majesties to present a proposal of promising fortune. I ask you to fund a great voyage to cross the Atlantic Ocean in search of a new trade route by sea to the Orient. On this journey, I hope to achieve what no other has before in finding a new and easier trade route to Asia. Intuitively, I will use my expertise and knowledge to bring benefits of vast wealth, fame, and more to your glorious Spain.”)

The writer uses subtle transitional phrases to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Do not take heed in fretting over if this journey will be successful or whether I am competent or trustworthy enough to handle this because with my expertise, I will help Spain in becoming a pioneer in promoting new discoveries. I have had a formal education, but my seagoing career started at fourteen when I began to serve on various ships, and assuming an assortment of roles. The experiences I had on those ships taught me to navigate, be able to study works of Ptolemy and others about the world and its oceans, and become an experienced sailor. On this expedition, I anticipate I will discover a new sea route to the Orient that would bring wealth and fame, and also prove that I am an accomplished sea captain.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a summary of points to consider before arriving at a decision. (“This discovery will permit Spain to obtain power over countries through commerce, and lead Spain to become more innovative. With the unearthing of a more proficient trade route that Spain will exert dominance over, other counties will want to trade with your country, giving you more power over trade and consequently, more wealth. The people of Spain will see you as heroes for the pristine reputation that your country will have and will be grateful for the prosperity that the new route will bring. All the while, enemies will cower at the vast amount of power Spain would have. Spain will become more modernized as it exchanges views and ideas with the advanced civilizations in Asia, and the revolutionary discovery will allow Spain to turn into an illustrious country. I implore you to finance this memorable voyage that will lead to your fame and fortune. History awaits your reply. Your Humble Subject, Christopher Columbus”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Do not take heed in fretting over if this journey will be successful or whether I am competent or trustworthy enough to handle this because with my expertise, I will help Spain in becoming a pioneer in promoting new discoveries. I have had a formal education, but my seagoing career started at fourteen when I began to serve on various ships, and assuming an assortment of roles.”)

The writer displays a strong voice and uses a variety of sentences in his/her essay. (“The discovery of this sea route to the Orient will result in an increase of profits in trade for Spain at a much easier price. I hope to find this route so that I can unearth a new and more efficient way of trading with the people of the Orient, who possess the more desirable goods. This sea route will be a much easier and safer passage than the land routes that contain brutal weather and thieves. Also, this new route will put an end to Muslim power over trade and commerce, and make lower selling prices and higher profits feasible. Spain will too, be able to seize control over European trade and commerce, giving Spain immense wealth. I aspire to accomplish the discovery of a better trade route and acquire wealth in the name of Spain.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Spain will gain the title of being Europe's leading traders and most wealthy and successful country since the Romans. By seizing control of trade to European countries, Spain will pay less to merchants and middlemen, and gain healthier profits. What's more, by permitting Spanish traders to take over this new-found sea route, Spain will gain knowledge of innovative ideas and advancements through transactions with Chinese traders. In return, Spain will be able to further spread Catholicism to those who have not yet found our divine God. This exchange of ideas will also help Spain become advanced and more knowledgeable about the ever-changing world. The great fortune that accompanies this discovery will make Spain the most affluent country in all of Europe.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“If you will but only fund this voyage so I may seek a new trade route in your name, I will in return, make sure that you are the first to benefit in ways that you never thought possible. Your names will go down in history as the famous King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella who were behind the discovery of the prosperous sea route to the Orient.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella,

I have noticed, as well as you probably have, that trade and luxury goods are at a considerably high price these days and I believe they are destined for the sky if changes don't come about. What I am asking for will be only pocket change for a mighty country such as yours, but in about three years, I could discover a simple way to break the hold Muslims and Italians have on any and every import that enters Western Europe. Additionally, I will make your country of Spain one of the main contenders for world power just by finding a sea route to Asia. In conjunction with gaining wealth and land for your nation, I could send out the teachings of God and the Bible to all that I meet, in order to further fortify Christianity.

With your funding, I can set you off with a head start against the foolish people of Portugal in the race of exploration. I, of course, will get the majority of the money and treasure found, but any land I come across on my adventures will be claimed for Spain. With this land, you will be able to make colonies, as well as plantations, and mines for precious natural resources. This could not only prevent Portugal from starting a monopoly, but also extend your wealth and power to levels unthinkable without exploration.

Finding a major route to the Orient is a risky venture, but someone will eventually try, so why not be the first? All you have to do is fund my ships, my crew, and the bare essentials necessary for survival on the open sea. Then, sit back and wait for me to return. Nothing huge is a risk, but the payoff could be enough to literally have you steeped in gold. In addition, my voyage will be quite cost efficient and significantly safer than it would have been two hundred years ago. I say this because cartography was elevated to a new level when Prince Henry the Navigator came around, making maps better, and making it safer for explorers to move about in unchartered lands and waters.

As well as making Spain one of the biggest controllers of land and wealth in the world, I will, with all my heart and power, contribute to the overall spread of Christianity wherever I shall explore. I will try my hardest to impress the teachings of God and the Bible on the natives of Asia and convert them to Christianity. With all the land I claim for Spain, you could build places for natives to be housed and educate them about our language and religion. I think these houses should be called Missions.

Overall, this risky voyage to find a new sea route to Asia would not do as much as put a dent in the strong hold your nation has in Europe, but it could make Spain one of the wealthiest and most powerful countries on the Earth. This voyage, along with others, will set you apart from other nations and give you a strong foothold in the future of exploration and world dominance.

Sincerely,

Christopher Columbus

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of funding a voyage to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“I have noticed, as well as you probably have, that trade and luxury goods are at a considerably high price these days and I believe they are destined for the sky if changes don't come about. What I am asking for will be only pocket change for a mighty country such as yours, but in about three years, I could discover a simple way to break the hold Muslims and Italians have on any and every import that enters Western Europe.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“With your funding, I can set you off with a head start against the foolish people of Portugal in the race of exploration. I, of course, will get the majority of the money and treasure found, but any land I come across on my adventures will be claimed for Spain. With this land, you will be able to make colonies, as well as plantations, and mines for precious natural resources. This could not only prevent Portugal from starting a monopoly, but also extend your wealth and power to levels unthinkable without exploration.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“With your funding, I can set you off with a head start against the foolish people of Portugal in the race of exploration. I, of course, will get the majority of the money and treasure found, but any land I come across on my adventures will be claimed for Spain. With this land, you will be able to make colonies, as well as plantations, and mines for precious natural resources. This could not only prevent Portugal from starting a monopoly, but also extend your wealth and power to levels unthinkable without exploration.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“As well as making Spain one of the biggest controllers of land and wealth in the world, I will, with all my heart and power, contribute to the overall spread of Christianity wherever I shall explore. I will try my hardest to impress the teachings of God and the Bible on the natives of Asia and convert them to Christianity. With all the land I claim for Spain, you could build places for natives to be housed and educate them about our language and religion. I think these houses should be called Missions.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the response. The essay develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

Within certain supporting paragraphs, the writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to points that could counter his/her own opinion. (“Finding a major route to the Orient is a risky venture, but someone will eventually try, so why not be the first? All you have to do is fund my ships, my crew, and the bare essentials necessary for survival on the open sea. Then, sit back and wait for me to return. Nothing huge is a risk, but the payoff could be enough to literally have you steeped in gold. In addition, my voyage will be quite cost efficient and significantly safer than it would have been two hundred years ago. I say this because cartography was elevated to a new level when Prince Henry the Navigator came around, making maps better, and making it safer for explorers to move about in unchartered lands and waters.”)

The writer’s details of the advantages of the funding are convincing. (“As well as making Spain one of the biggest controllers of land and wealth in the world, I will, with all my heart and power, contribute to the overall spread of Christianity wherever I shall explore. I will try my hardest to impress the teachings of God and the Bible on the natives of Asia and convert them to Christianity. With all the land I claim for Spain, you could build places for natives to be housed and educate them about our language and religion. I think these houses should be called Missions.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“What I am asking for will be only pocket change for a mighty country such as yours, but in about three years, I could discover a simple way to break the hold Muslims and Italians have on any and every import that enters Western Europe. Additionally, I will make your country of Spain one of the main contenders for world power just by finding a sea route to Asia. In conjunction with gaining wealth and land for your nation, I could send out the teachings of God and the Bible to all that I meet, in order to further fortify Christianity.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions that keep the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer subtly states the thesis in the introduction. (“I have noticed, as well as you probably have, that trade and luxury goods are at a considerably high price these days and I believe they are destined for the sky if changes don't come about. What I am asking for will be only pocket change for a mighty country such as yours, but in about three years, I could discover a simple way to break the hold Muslims and Italians have on any and every import that enters Western Europe.”)

The writer’s introduction gives additional background information to help readers understand the main points and advantages of the issue. (“Additionally, I will make your country of Spain one of the main contenders for world power just by finding a sea route to Asia. In conjunction with gaining wealth and land for your nation, I could send out the teachings of God and the Bible to all that I meet, in order to further fortify Christianity.”)

Subtle transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“With your funding, I can set you off with a head start against the foolish people of Portugal in the race of exploration. I, of course, will get the majority of the money and treasure found, but any land I come across on my adventures will be claimed for Spain. With this land, you will be able to make colonies, as well as plantations, and mines for precious natural resources. This could not only prevent Portugal from starting a monopoly, but also extend your wealth and power to levels unthinkable without exploration.”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Overall, this risky voyage to find a new sea route to Asia would not do as much as put a dent in the strong hold your nation has in Europe, but it could make Spain one of the wealthiest and most powerful countries on the Earth. This voyage, along with others, will set you apart from other nations and give you a strong foothold in the future of exploration and world dominance. Sincerely, Christopher Columbus”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Finding a major route to the Orient is a risky venture, but someone will eventually try, so why not be the first? All you have to do is fund my ships, my crew, and the bare essentials necessary for survival on the open sea. Then, sit back and wait for me to return. Nothing huge is a risk, but the payoff could be enough to literally have you steeped in gold.”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“I say this because cartography was elevated to a new level when Prince Henry the Navigator came around, making maps better, and making it safer for explorers to move about in unchartered lands and waters.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“As well as making Spain one of the biggest controllers of land and wealth in the world, I will, with all my heart and power, contribute to the overall spread of Christianity wherever I shall explore. I will try my hardest to impress the teachings of God and the Bible on the natives of Asia and convert them to Christianity. With all the land I claim for Spain, you could build places for natives to be housed and educate them about our language and religion. I think these houses should be called Missions.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Overall, this risky voyage to find a new sea route to Asia would not do as much as put a dent in the strong hold your nation has in Europe, but it could make Spain one of the wealthiest and most powerful countries on the Earth. This voyage, along with others, will set you apart from other nations and give you a strong foothold in the future of exploration and world dominance.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Your Royal Highness,

My name is Christopher Columbus and I am in need of money to benefit my expedition to the Orient. This expedition could benefit Spain in many ways. All I need is your help.

I am seeking a new trade route towards the Indies that is safer and faster. Most trade routes crossing India are dangerous and consume way too much time. I've heard about men who have returned not looking like human beings. I've heard of ships burning down from the heat. We are willing to take risks to get there but not ones that large. I believe going in the West would be much faster and void of danger. I will need 3 ships and a crew of about 90 men for this expedition. That may sound like a lot but after seeing what we bring back, it'll feel like you didn't sacrifice anything at all.

The Indies may be very rich in resources we are without. We could find great riches like gold and silver and other precious things. We could learn new things from them like ways of cooking and farming. India could be a very fertile land and would make great new territory for Spain and we could gain new Catholics by converting their people to Christianity. All you need to do is give me the ships and a crew and you can help Spain prosper.

This expedition to the Indies could really help your kingdom of Spain. This expedition could go down in history as a monumental point in our history and it'll be because of you and Isabella that it happened. You could become vastly rich from the many riches that we find in India. Spain could become larger and stronger and Christianity could become the largest religion in the world because of the two of you.

I know you may have reservations about giving me the money. You barely know me and you would have to trust that I would follow through on my promises. I can assure you, you would not be disappointed in me. I will do as I promise and I hope you can trust that. A donation from your highness would be greatly appreciated.

Please contact me if you can help benefit my expedition. Only you can help shape up Spain. Reaching the Indies and making Spain a vast and powerful kingdom is way more worth all that you will give me, I promise.

Sincerely,

Christopher Columbus

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes a request for funding for a voyage to discover a new trade route and adequately attempts to persuade the readers . A basic understanding of the purpose of the task and intended audience is demonstrated.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“My name is Christopher Columbus and I am in need of money to benefit my expedition to the Orient. This expedition could benefit Spain in many ways. All I need is your help.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“This expedition to the Indies could really help your kingdom of Spain. This expedition could go down in history as a monumental point in our history and it'll be because of you and Isabella that it happened. You could become vastly rich from the many riches that we find in India. Spain could become larger and stronger and Christianity could become the largest religion in the world because of the two of you.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“I am seeking a new trade route towards the Indies that is safer and faster. Most trade routes crossing India are dangerous and consume way too much time. I've heard about men who have returned not looking like human beings. I've heard of ships burning down from the heat. We are willing to take risks to get there but not ones that large. I believe going in the West would be much faster and void of danger. I will need 3 ships and a crew of about 90 men for this expedition. That may sound like a lot but after seeing what we bring back, it'll feel like you didn't sacrifice anything at all.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“The Indies may be very rich in resources we are without. We could find great riches like gold and silver and other precious things. We could learn new things from them like ways of cooking and farming. India could be a very fertile land and would make great new territory for Spain and we could gain new Catholics by converting their people to Christianity. All you need to do is give me the ships and a crew and you can help Spain prosper.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. Additionally, t he writer briefly addresses readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“I am seeking a new trade route towards the Indies that is safer and faster. Most trade routes crossing India are dangerous and consume way too much time. I've heard about men who have returned not looking like human beings. I've heard of ships burning down from the heat. We are willing to take risks to get there but not ones that large. I believe going in the West would be much faster and void of danger. I will need 3 ships and a crew of about 90 men for this expedition. That may sound like a lot but after seeing what we bring back, it'll feel like you didn't sacrifice anything at all.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The Indies may be very rich in resources we are without. We could find great riches like gold and silver and other precious things. We could learn new things from them like ways of cooking and farming. India could be a very fertile land and would make great new territory for Spain and we could gain new Catholics by converting their people to Christianity. All you need to do is give me the ships and a crew and you can help Spain prosper.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices, and the writer’s overall message is adequate.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Your Royal Highness, My name is Christopher Columbus and I am in need of money to benefit my expedition to the Orient. This expedition could benefit Spain in many ways. All I need is your help.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions, which help guide the readers through the response. Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“The Indies may be very rich in resources we are without. We could find great riches like gold and silver and other precious things. We could learn new things from them like ways of cooking and farming. India could be a very fertile land and would make great new territory for Spain and we could gain new Catholics by converting their people to Christianity. All you need to do is give me the ships and a crew and you can help Spain prosper.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Please contact me if you can help benefit my expedition. Only you can help shape up Spain. Reaching the Indies and making Spain a vast and powerful kingdom is way more worth all that you will give me, I promise. Sincerely, Christopher Columbus”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“The Indies may be very rich in resources we are without. We could find great riches like gold and silver and other precious things. We could learn new things from them like ways of cooking and farming. India could be a very fertile land and would make great new territory for Spain and we could gain new Catholics by converting their people to Christianity. All you need to do is give me the ships and a crew and you can help Spain prosper.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“I know you may have reservations about giving me the money. You barely know me and you would have to trust that I would follow through on my promises. I can assure you, you would not be disappointed in me. I will do as I promise and I hope you can trust that. A donation from your highness would be greatly appreciated.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments. (“I am seeking a new trade route towards the Indies that is safer and faster. Most trade routes crossing India are dangerous and consume way too much time. I've heard about men who have returned not looking like human beings. I've heard of ships burning down from the heat. We are willing to take risks to get there but not ones that large. I believe going in the West would be much faster and void of danger.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ This expedition to the Indies could really help your kingdom of Spain. This expedition could go down in history as a monumental point in our history and it'll be because of you and Isabella that it happened. You could become vastly rich from the many riches that we find in India. Spain could become larger and stronger and Christianity could become the largest religion in the world because of the two of you.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella,

My name is Christopher Columbus the reason why I am writing this letter is because I need you to finance my trip to different parts of the world. Some places are Asia, Russia, Europe, Africa, and many other places but lets move on the subject. Three reasons why you should finance my trip are: Trade, More money, and ships!

First trade, I think that trade is very important because if we would of never had trade then we would of never had some things in life like fireworks and stuff like that.If we increase in trade then we will have a lot of things to sell from money and then we will become rich. If we were to become rich then we will be able to control the people and slaves. If we control all the people we can make them pay more taxes and then we will be rich!

Second money, I think that we can control people with money and so we will have to make them pay extra money and taxes. With that money we can buy new clothes and ships and even trade for more gold. If we make them pay more money then we will become rich and with that money we can buy new things. If we get a lot of money then we can become famous and we will be rich and you will be the strongest and most powerful king and queen of Spain.

Third ships, ships because if we go and get a lot of gold or money we can buy new ships so that we can go everywhere in the world and get even more money. we will have a lot of silver and gold which we can use to buy many new ships, so we can sail the Seven Seas!

I think that we will make a fortune an get new ships and we will also increase in trade. We will find new trade routes and meet new people and learn new cultures if we do this we will become the most richest people in the world!

Yours Truley,

Christopher Colombus

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of funding for a voyage to new lands, but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“My name is Christopher Columbus the reason why I am writing this letter is because I need you to finance my trip to different parts of the world. Some places are Asia, Russia, Europe, Africa, and many other places but lets move on the subject. Three reasons why you should finance my trip are: Trade, More money, and ships!”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Second money, I think that we can control people with money and so we will have to make them pay extra money and taxes. With that money we can buy new clothes and ships and even trade for more gold. If we make them pay more money then we will become rich and with that money we can buy new things. If we get a lot of money then we can become famous and we will be rich and you will be the strongest and most powerful king and queen of Spain.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers, but uses limited persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“I think that we will make a fortune an get new ships and we will also increase in trade. We will find new trade routes and meet new people and learn new cultures if we do this we will become the most richest people in the world! Yours Truley, Christopher Colombus”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position for funding the voyage to different parts of the world. The writer does attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the response.

The essay is limited because it fails to address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“I think that we will make a fortune an get new ships and we will also increase in trade. We will find new trade routes and meet new people and learn new cultures if we do this we will become the most richest people in the world!”)

The writer includes very limited reasons in an attempt to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“First trade, I think that trade is very important because if we would of never had trade then we would of never had some things in life like fireworks and stuff like that.If we increase in trade then we will have a lot of things to sell from money and then we will become rich. If we were to become rich then we will be able to control the people and slaves. If we control all the people we can make them pay more taxes and then we will be rich!”) Although these reasons give readers limited insight into the writer’s purpose for initiating such a voyage, they are not developed fully enough to promote effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for supporting a voyage to different lands, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“Third ships, ships because if we go and get a lot of gold or money we can buy new ships so that we can go everywhere in the world and get even more money. we will have a lot of silver and gold which we can use to buy many new ships, so we can sail the Seven Seas!”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, incorporates paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering a sense of urgency for the importance of financing a trip to different parts of the world. (“Dear King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, My name is Christopher Columbus the reason why I am writing this letter is because I need you to finance my trip to different parts of the world. Some places are Asia, Russia, Europe, Africa, and many other places but lets move on the subject. Three reasons why you should finance my trip are: Trade, More money, and ships!”)

Solid transitions are not included between paragraphs and sentences. Because of the lack of effective transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“Second money, I think that we can control people with money and so we will have to make them pay extra money and taxes. With that money we can buy new clothes and ships and even trade for more gold. If we make them pay more money then we will become rich and with that money we can buy new things. If we get a lot of money then we can become famous and we will be rich and you will be the strongest and most powerful king and queen of Spain. Third ships, ships because if we go and get a lot of gold or money we can buy new ships so that we can go everywhere in the world and get even more money. we will have a lot of silver and gold which we can use to buy many new ships, so we can sail the Seven Seas!”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“I think that we will make a fortune an get new ships and we will also increase in trade. We will find new trade routes and meet new people and learn new cultures if we do this we will become the most richest people in the world! Yours Truley, Christopher Colombus”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style in the essay is limited. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Second money, I think that we can control people with money and so we will have to make them pay extra money and taxes. With that money we can buy new clothes and ships and even trade for more gold. If we make them pay more money then we will become rich and with that money we can buy new things. If we get a lot of money then we can become famous and we will be rich and you will be the strongest and most powerful king and queen of Spain.”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive. (“First trade, I think that trade is very important because if we would of never had trade then we would of never had some things in life like fireworks and stuff like that.If we increase in trade then we will have a lot of things to sell from money and then we will become rich. If we were to become rich then we will be able to control the people and slaves. If we control all the people we can make them pay more taxes and then we will be rich!”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “if.” (“If we increase in trade then we will have a lot of things to sell from money and then we will become rich. If we were to become rich then we will be able to control the people and slaves. If we control all the people we can make them pay more taxes and then we will be rich!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Third ships, ships because if we go and get a lot of gold or money we can buy new ships so that we can go everywhere in the world and get even more money. we will have a lot of silver and gold which we can use to buy many new ships, so we can sail the Seven Seas!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear queen Isabella and king Ferdinand,

I have a favor to ask of you. I was wondering if I could have some money. I am going on a voyage to the Orient...... But sadly I don't have the money to do this. I need some more money to succeed this task.

If I recive the money from you, I will bring back silks, and riches and many great things. You will become the best, better than any other country's queen and king that ever lived. I know that this is much to ask of you, but if you donate this I will come to the castle and be you're personal servant. Sounds like a fair trade doensn't it? I will make our kingdom rich and I will discover many great and marvolous things!

I have to work fast and I must leave soon so our kingdom will be the greatest in all the world. Please help me with this voyage. Did I mention how much I love this kingdom and how you run it so well.

I would love for you to help me. If you decide which I'm sure you will make the right choice by helping me. I will do any thing you ask of me. Now dosn't that sound nice to have someone that will do anything for you?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of lending funds for an expedition. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, consequently c ompleting few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“I have a favor to ask of you. I was wondering if I could have some money. I am going on a voyage to the Orient...... But sadly I don't have the money to do this. I need some more money to succeed this task.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“Did I mention how much I love this kingdom and how you run it so well. I would love for you to help me. If you decide which I'm sure you will make the right choice by helping me. I will do any thing you ask of me. Now dosn't that sound nice to have someone that will do anything for you?”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“If I recive the money from you, I will bring back silks, and riches and many great things. You will become the best, better than any other country's queen and king that ever lived. I know that this is much to ask of you, but if you donate this I will come to the castle and be you're personal servant.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of desired funding for a voyage to the Orient. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments and creates a one-sided response that is minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“I have a favor to ask of you. I was wondering if I could have some money. I am going on a voyage to the Orient...... But sadly I don't have the money to do this. I need some more money to succeed this task. If I recive the money from you, I will bring back silks, and riches and many great things.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“I have to work fast and I must leave soon so our kingdom will be the greatest in all the world. Please help me with this voyage. Did I mention how much I love this kingdom and how you run it so well.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in a response that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“I know that this is much to ask of you, but if you donate this I will come to the castle and be you're personal servant. Sounds like a fair trade doensn't it? I will make our kingdom rich and I will discover many great and marvolous things! I have to work fast and I must leave soon so our kingdom will be the greatest in all the world. Please help me with this voyage. Did I mention how much I love this kingdom and how you run it so well. I would love for you to help me. If you decide which I'm sure you will make the right choice by helping me. I will do any thing you ask of me. Now dosn't that sound nice to have someone that will do anything for you?”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I have a favor to ask of you. I was wondering if I could have some money. I am going on a voyage to the Orient...... But sadly I don't have the money to do this. I need some more money to succeed this task.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“I know that this is much to ask of you, but if you donate this I will come to the castle and be you're personal servant. Sounds like a fair trade doensn't it? I will make our kingdom rich and I will discover many great and marvolous things! I have to work fast and I must leave soon so our kingdom will be the greatest in all the world. Please help me with this voyage. Did I mention how much I love this kingdom and how you run it so well.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“I would love for you to help me. If you decide which I'm sure you will make the right choice by helping me. I will do any thing you ask of me. Now dosn't that sound nice to have someone that will do anything for you?”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“I have a favor to ask of you. I was wondering if I could have some money. I am going on a voyage to the Orient...... But sadly I don't have the money to do this. I need some more money to succeed this task.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Furthermore, the writer employs sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“I have to work fast and I must leave soon so our kingdom will be the greatest in all the world. Please help me with this voyage. Did I mention how much I love this kingdom and how you run it so well. I would love for you to help me. If you decide which I'm sure you will make the right choice by helping me. I will do any thing you ask of me. Now dosn't that sound nice to have someone that will do anything for you?”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes a persuasive tone to his/her plea for money from the royal family. (“If I recive the money from you, I will bring back silks, and riches and many great things. You will become the best, better than any other country's queen and king that ever lived. I know that this is much to ask of you, but if you donate this I will come to the castle and be you're personal servant.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay reveals many words that are spelled incorrectly, and there are occasional run-on sentences. These errors significantly reduce the effectiveness of the writer’s response. (“If I recive the money from you, I will bring back silks, and riches and many great things. You will become the best, better than any other country's queen and king that ever lived. I know that this is much to ask of you, but if you donate this I will come to the castle and be you're personal servant. Sounds like a fair trade doensn't it? I will make our kingdom rich and I will discover many great and marvolous things!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

December ,7,1942

Dear Queen and King of Spain:

I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat? If I return the world is round if i don't the world is flat. If you lend me some money, I will get riches from a diffrent land.

Why should I give a pesant money? I am King Ferdinand the ruler of spain. But riches from another land sounds good don't you think Queen Isa.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning and satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion statement for the argument presented, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s request for money from the royal family to fund a voyage; however he/she fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince the intended audience of the advantages such a loan would present. The writer merely focuses on requesting funding to see if the world is flat. (“I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat? If I return the world is round if i don't the world is flat.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“Why should I give a pesant money? I am King Ferdinand the ruler of spain. But riches from another land sounds good don't you think Queen Isa.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and the intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat? If I return the world is round if i don't the world is flat.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of funding the trip across the Atlantic. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat? If I return the world is round if i don't the world is flat. If you lend me some money, I will get riches from a diffrent land.”)

Since the response is so brief, there are no main ideas present in body paragraphs. (“I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat? If I return the world is round if i don't the world is flat. If you lend me some money, I will get riches from a diffrent land.

Why should I give a pesant money? I am King Ferdinand the ruler of spain. But riches from another land sounds good don't you think Queen Isa.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states the need for money to see if the world is flat. (“I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat? If I return the world is round if i don't the world is flat.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Dear Queen and King of Spain: I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat?”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas. (“Why should I give a pesant money? I am King Ferdinand the ruler of spain. But riches from another land sounds good don't you think Queen Isa.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“But riches from another land sounds good don't you think Queen Isa.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat? If I return the world is round if i don't the world is flat.”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“But riches from another land sounds good don't you think Queen Isa.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Why should I give a pesant money? I am King Ferdinand the ruler of spain. But riches from another land sounds good don't you think Queen Isa.”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade the readers to agree with a request to fund a voyage, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“I am Christopher Columbus am here for money because I want to find out if the world is flat? If I return the world is round if i don't the world is flat. If you lend me some money, I will get riches from a diffrent land.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Manned Mission to Mars

In the next few years, the United States plans to launch a manned spaceship to Mars to establish a human colony there. While some observers argue that such a mission is necessary for human knowledge to advance, others fear that the costs of such a mission are too high or that it may not even be possible with our present technology. Do you think this is a wise course of action or not?

Write a letter to the President of the United States that expresses your opinion of whether the United States should proceed with this course of action.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. President,

Landing on Mars and getting off the spaceship, two astronauts look around at all the amazing things that no one else has ever seen. But then they realize that it was nothing like what they expected. They see that none of their plans could possibly work. For the past few years, the United States has been talking about sending a manned spaceship to Mars. They have been planning to gain much more knowledge about our solar system and want to form a human colony there. However, even after all their hard work, all of their plans might not succeed. Therefore, I believe that we should not send a manned spaceship to Mars.

First of all, making this trip to Mars will require much time, money, and hard work. Based on experiences of past unmanned missions to Mars, it would take about nine months to get there. Because of this, abundant amounts of food, as well as other human life costs, and fuel will be needed. Money will also be needed for technology and shuttle costs, along with NASA personnel costs. Altogether, the cost of this mission will add up to about 20 billion dollars! Building the shuttle and making all the right calculations will require a lot of time and hard work. If this journey was to fail, the US would have just wasted so much. If you took some time to thoroughly think about all the consequences of this, I'm sure you would agree with me that this trip is not worth any of that.

Secondly, sending a manned spaceship to Mars could have many problems that we must first solve. For instance, the planet of Mars has no oxygen and no atmosphere. It would take forever to be able to create an atmosphere and enough oxygen for people to actually live up there. Also, Mars has no liquid water. Water is one of the most important things that people need in order to live, so how are they supposed to live in a planet without any of it? When NASA sent the rovers up to Mars, they had trouble landing on the planet. I'm sure that it won't be easy to land a spaceship on Mars either. The people in the ship could be injured, unless NASA comes up with a plan that they are sure will work. However, this would be very difficult because it's almost impossible to positively know that something like this will work up in Mars. One more thing that people should be concerned about is the things that are up on Mars that we don't know about. For example, there could be some kind of disease that people could catch if they were to live up there that we do not know about yet. All of these problems that I have just mentioned could cause much trouble and require a lot of thought to solve. No one knows how this trip would go, and I don't think we should take that chance.

Arguably, I know that there are many positives of making this trip to Mars. This mission could very well be successful. We could learn so much more about Mars and our universe. We might even find some kind of extra terrestrial life up there. The men that go up to Mars could end up finding some new elements or fuel and metal resources that could really help our society. If the journey succeeds, we might also gain much more money. Scientists might be able to finally learn what we need to send people up there to live. There is much more room and much less pollution on that planet than on Earth, so we, as people, would have another place where we can live. We might even be able to solve the problems about oxygen and atmosphere that I mentioned before, since Mars actually has carbon dioxide. We could plant some plants, which would sooner or later make enough oxygen.

However, even though there are so many positives of going up to Mars, I still do not think that this trip should be made. All of these things that I just said are all only possibilities. This trip could be an absolute failure and none of the things I mentioned may happen. There may be so many consequences in taking this trip, and I do not think that we should take that risk at all.

In conclusion, sending a manned spaceship to Mars is not a very good idea. A trip like this has too many costs that could all go to waste if it does not succeed, and there are too many problems that we do not know the solutions to. Even though this journey could positively affect our lives forever, it has too many risks that I don't think we should be willing to take. We should not put all of our time, money, and energy to waste, and we should try to avoid getting to Mars and realizing, only when we have landed, that we have failed.

Sincerely,

Mary Smith

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Landing on Mars and getting off the spaceship, two astronauts look around at all the amazing things that no one else has ever seen. But then they realize that it was nothing like what they expected. They see that none of their plans could possibly work. For the past few years, the United States has been talking about sending a manned spaceship to Mars. They have been planning to gain much more knowledge about our solar system and want to form a human colony there. However, even after all their hard work, all of their plans might not succeed. Therefore, I believe that we should not send a manned spaceship to Mars.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First of all, making this trip to Mars will require much time, money, and hard work. Based on experiences of past unmanned missions to Mars, it would take about nine months to get there. Because of this, abundant amounts of food, as well as other human life costs, and fuel will be needed. Money will also be needed for technology and shuttle costs, along with NASA personnel costs. Altogether, the cost of this mission will add up to about 20 billion dollars! Building the shuttle and making all the right calculations will require a lot of time and hard work. If this journey was to fail, the US would have just wasted so much.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“There is much more room and much less pollution on that planet than on Earth, so we, as people, would have another place where we can live. We might even be able to solve the problems about oxygen and atmosphere that I mentioned before, since Mars actually has carbon dioxide. We could plant some plants, which would sooner or later make enough oxygen. However, even though there are so many positives of going up to Mars, I still do not think that this trip should be made. All of these things that I just said are all only possibilities. This trip could be an absolute failure and none of the things I mentioned may happen. There may be so many consequences in taking this trip, and I do not think that we should take that risk at all.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the position on the issue of sending a manned mission to Mars. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer acknowledges the possible opposing views and concedes the possible benefits of a manned mission to Mars. (“Arguably, I know that there are many positives of making this trip to Mars. This mission could very well be successful. We could learn so much more about Mars and our universe. We might even find some kind of extra terrestrial life up there. The men that go up to Mars could end up finding some new elements or fuel and metal resources that could really help our society. If the journey succeeds, we might also gain much more money... However, even though there are so many positives of going up to Mars, I still do not think that this trip should be made. All of these things that I just said are all only possibilities. This trip could be an absolute failure and none of the things I mentioned may happen. There may be so many consequences in taking this trip, and I do not think that we should take that risk at all.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate the stated point of view. (“Based on experiences of past unmanned missions to Mars, it would take about nine months to get there. Because of this, abundant amounts of food, as well as other human life costs, and fuel will be needed. Money will also be needed for technology and shuttle costs, along with NASA personnel costs. Altogether, the cost of this mission will add up to about 20 billion dollars! Building the shuttle and making all the right calculations will require a lot of time and hard work. If this journey was to fail, the US would have just wasted so much.”)

Highlighting the negative aspects of a manned mission to Mars makes the essay more persuasive. (“Secondly, sending a manned spaceship to Mars could have many problems that we must first solve. For instance, the planet of Mars has no oxygen and no atmosphere. It would take forever to be able to create an atmosphere and enough oxygen for people to actually live up there. Also, Mars has no liquid water. Water is one of the most important things that people need in order to live, so how are they supposed to live in a planet without any of it? When NASA sent the rovers up to Mars, they had trouble landing on the planet. I'm sure that it won't be easy to land a spaceship on Mars either. The people in the ship could be injured, unless NASA comes up with a plan that they are sure will work.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and captures the readers’ attention. (“Landing on Mars and getting off the spaceship, two astronauts look around at all the amazing things that no one else has ever seen. But then they realize that it was nothing like what they expected. They see that none of their plans could possibly work. For the past few years, the United States has been talking about sending a manned spaceship to Mars. They have been planning to gain much more knowledge about our solar system and want to form a human colony there. However, even after all their hard work, all of their plans might not succeed. Therefore, I believe that we should not send a manned spaceship to Mars.”)

The writer uses transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Secondly, sending a manned spaceship to Mars could have many problems that we must first solve. For instance, the planet of Mars has no oxygen and no atmosphere. It would take forever to be able to create an atmosphere and enough oxygen for people to actually live up there. Also, Mars has no liquid water. Water is one of the most important things that people need in order to live, so how are they supposed to live in a planet without any of it?”)

The conclusion succinctly summarizes the argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, sending a manned spaceship to Mars is not a very good idea. A trip like this has too many costs that could all go to waste if it does not succeed, and there are too many problems that we do not know the solutions to. Even though this journey could positively affect our lives forever, it has too many risks that I don't think we should be willing to take. We should not put all of our time, money, and energy to waste, and we should try to avoid getting to Mars and realizing, only when we have landed, that we have failed.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style are very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer uses language effectively; there is strong voice in the essay. (“Based on experiences of past unmanned missions to Mars, it would take about nine months to get there. Because of this, abundant amounts of food, as well as other human life costs, and fuel will be needed. Money will also be needed for technology and shuttle costs, along with NASA personnel costs. Altogether, the cost of this mission will add up to about 20 billion dollars!”)

The writer creates complex sentence structures by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“There is much more room and much less pollution on that planet than on Earth, so we, as people, would have another place where we can live. We might even be able to solve the problems about oxygen and atmosphere that I mentioned before, since Mars actually has carbon dioxide. We could plant some plants, which would sooner or later make enough oxygen.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“This mission could very well be successful. We could learn so much more about Mars and our universe. We might even find some kind of extra terrestrial life up there. The men that go up to Mars could end up finding some new elements or fuel and metal resources that could really help our society. If the journey succeeds, we might also gain much more money. Scientists might be able to finally learn what we need to send people up there to live.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Water is one of the most important things that people need in order to live, so how are they supposed to live in a planet without any of it? When NASA sent the rovers up to Mars, they had trouble landing on the planet. I'm sure that it won't be easy to land a spaceship on Mars either.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. President,

I feel it is necessary to continue our venture and exploration of our neighboring planet Mars. I can explain and argue against three well-researched reasons to show that this is a beneficial act to all humanity. They are money, discovery, and knowledge.

Money and prices are an impact on the exploration of Mars. Some argue that the cost is too great to be spent on this expedition. Those against the exploration of Mars suggest that we should quit sending rovers to get information and instead, spend the reserved cash on some other beneficial products. Although I am in support of the beneficial products, I believe that since we already started the Mars exploration and spent billions of dollars on the rovers and craft, we should continue the exploration. If we concede the exploration, all the time, effort, and money spent on the exploration and craft would be all for nothing. Spending hundreds of millions of dollars per rover or craft just to end up leaving the rovers in Mars wasted and all the information gathered from the research team serving for no purpose. In my personal opinion, (and possibly the opinion of many others), spending billions of dollars will be worth it if researchers find evidence of another life supporting planet.

The second beneficial reason of continuing the exploration of Mars is for the discovery and excitement of it. Exploring Mars may give possible discoveries that can be useful for humans, such as discovering valuable minerals that could be used as an alternative fuel source to replace gasoline or coal. There also may be an opportunity to find evidence of or actual life forms which may indicate that our neighboring planets can support life forms. Such discoveries will greatly affect and push humanity forward, and would definitely be worth all the prices. If we cancel the exploration, we may never know of the possibilities and discoveries that could have been directly in front of us.

My final reason for continuing the exploration of Mars is for the knowledge that follows it. As scientists, people at NASA constantly discover and analyze new data that will either improve and aid the travel of outer space or analyzes data from rovers and craft from outer space. The Mars exploration would bring in new information and require many thoughts and ideas from the whole NASA team. During this creative process, new facts would be discovered which may disprove previous theories. The scientists may also be able to use information gathered from Mars to find out more about the geological structure and history of our own planet. Science is all about discovering, and Mars is a planet that needs to be discovered.

In conclusion, I believe we should continue the Mars exploration. From this exploration, many discoveries can be made, and many will benefit. Critics may stop you with concerns of money, time, and danger, but it will all be worth it when we return with new information to broaden our world and our view of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of sending a manned mission to Mars to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I feel it is necessary to continue our venture and exploration of our neighboring planet Mars. I can explain and argue against three well-researched reasons to show that this is a beneficial act to all humanity. They are money, discovery, and knowledge.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“If we concede the exploration, all the time, effort, and money spent on the exploration and craft would be all for nothing. Spending hundreds of millions of dollars per rover or craft just to end up leaving the rovers in Mars wasted and all the information gathered from the research team serving for no purpose. In my personal opinion, [and possibly the opinion of many others], spending billions of dollars will be worth it if researchers find evidence of another life supporting planet.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“The second beneficial reason of continuing the exploration of Mars is for the discovery and excitement of it. Exploring Mars may give possible discoveries that can be useful for humans, such as discovering valuable minerals that could be used as an alternative fuel source to replace gasoline or coal. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. The essay develops arguments using specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Those against the exploration of Mars suggest that we should quit sending rovers to get information and instead, spend the reserved cash on some other beneficial products. Although I am in support of the beneficial products, I believe that since we already started the Mars exploration and spent billions of dollars on the rovers and craft, we should continue the exploration. If we concede the exploration, all the time, effort, and money spent on the exploration and craft would be all for nothing. ”)

The writer includes explanations that reasonably illustrate his/her opinion. (“Exploring Mars may give possible discoveries that can be useful for humans, such as discovering valuable minerals that could be used as an alternative fuel source to replace gasoline or coal. There also may be an opportunity to find evidence of or actual life forms which may indicate that our neighboring planets can support life forms. Such discoveries will greatly affect and push humanity forward, and would definitely be worth all the prices. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The Mars exploration would bring in new information and require many thoughts and ideas from the whole NASA team. During this creative process, new facts would be discovered which may disprove previous theories. The scientists may also be able to use information gathered from Mars to find out more about the geological structure and history of our own planet. Science is all about discovering, and Mars is a planet that needs to be discovered.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“If we concede the exploration, all the time, effort, and money spent on the exploration and craft would be all for nothing. Spending hundreds of millions of dollars per rover or craft just to end up leaving the rovers in Mars wasted and all the information gathered from the research team serving for no purpose. In my personal opinion, [and possibly the opinion of many others], spending billions of dollars will be worth it if researchers find evidence of another life supporting planet.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“My final reason for continuing the exploration of Mars is for the knowledge that follows it. As scientists, people at NASA constantly discover and analyze new data that will either improve and aid the travel of outer space or analyzes data from rovers and craft from outer space. The Mars exploration would bring in new information and require many thoughts and ideas from the whole NASA team. During this creative process, new facts would be discovered which may disprove previous theories. ”)

Although a bit brief, the writer’s conclusion gives readers a sense of closure. (“In conclusion, I believe we should continue the Mars exploration. From this exploration, many discoveries can be made, and many will benefit. Critics may stop you with concerns of money, time, and danger, but it will all be worth it when we return with new information to broaden our world and our view of it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Money and prices are an impact on the exploration of Mars. Some argue that the cost is too great to be spent on this expedition. Those against the exploration of Mars suggest that we should quit sending rovers to get information and instead, spend the reserved cash on some other beneficial products. Although I am in support of the beneficial products, I believe that since we already started the Mars exploration and spent billions of dollars on the rovers and craft, we should continue the exploration. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“The second beneficial reason of continuing the exploration of Mars is for the discovery and excitement of it. Exploring Mars may give possible discoveries that can be useful for humans, such as discovering valuable minerals that could be used as an alternative fuel source to replace gasoline or coal. There also may be an opportunity to find evidence of or actual life forms which may indicate that our neighboring planets can support life forms. Such discoveries will greatly affect and push humanity forward, and would definitely be worth all the prices. If we cancel the exploration, we may never know of the possibilities and discoveries that could have been directly in front of us.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“As scientists, people at NASA constantly discover and analyze new data that will either improve and aid the travel of outer space or analyzes data from rovers and craft from outer space. The Mars exploration would bring in new information and require many thoughts and ideas from the whole NASA team. During this creative process, new facts would be discovered which may disprove previous theories. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ There also may be an opportunity to find evidence of or actual life forms which may indicate that our neighboring planets can support life forms. Such discoveries will greatly affect and push humanity forward, and would definitely be worth all the prices. If we cancel the exploration, we may never know of the possibilities and discoveries that could have been directly in front of us.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. President,

This letter you have just recieved is a letter to support your decision for a manned mission to Mars. Going to Mars may not be an easy task but I think with the right equipment, the right amount of supplies and enough man hours to make an effort at the mission. Traveling millions of miles from earth will not only be a tough task it will cost billions of dollars it will cost billions of dollars to pay for all the fuel to get them to and from and not the right amount of fuel could mean the difference between life and death.

Landing a manned spacecraft on Mars will be one of the greatest accomplishments in space travel and NASA history because it is tough to land on something that is that hot and cold at any time not including the air, which is carbon dioxide (Co2). The climate on Mars can be between many temperatures. At one point of Mars it could be -50degrees farenheit but at another point of Mars it could be over 150degrees farenheit thats what could possibly kill you. But climate isn't the only thing that could most definitely kill you, the air of Mars is made of CO2 (carbon dioxide), a poison that can kill you once you inhale it.

Many people might tell you it is a bad idea. Many people might say that it is too expensive and that the money can be used for other stuff like education or helping poor families or building better roads. This is all true but there are good things to come out of this plan of yours. If we were to land on Mars maybe we would have a chance to figure out if there were any types of lifeforms that have ever lived there on Mars. Also if we were to land on Mars then maybe we could find evidence of many different things like if there were any bodies of water or maybe some different kind of plants that may have lived on the planet. Finding any type of lifeform would be amazing surviving through carbon dioxide and the amazing but terrible climate.

Maybe if we do land on Mars we will be able to figure out if at one time Mars was like the earth and if Mars was like the earth then maybe we could discover how it became uninhabitable. Also if we discover how Mars became uninhabitable maybe we could prevent that from happening on Earth. Maybe if somehow we could make parts of the planet habitable then we could build base camps up there so then people could live up there or go on vacations or maybe just hang out up there but that wont be happening for another 50 to 100 years probably.

Traveling to Mars would need space suits and a ship to survive the climate and atmosphere but going to mars would help mankind to survive if the world ends because of green house gases and the hole in the o-zone layer.

These were the reasons that I think may convince you Mr. President to send a manned space ship and crew up to space to land on Mars

Sincerely,

Tom Smith

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about sending a manned mission to Mars and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“This letter you have just recieved is a letter to support your decision for a manned mission to Mars. Going to Mars may not be an easy task but I think with the right equipment, the right amount of supplies and enough man hours to make an effort at the mission.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“…if we were to land on Mars then maybe we could find evidence of many different things like if there were any bodies of water or maybe some different kind of plants that may have lived on the planet. Finding any type of lifeform would be amazing surviving through carbon dioxide and the amazing but terrible climate.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Maybe if we do land on Mars we will be able to figure out if at one time Mars was like the earth and if Mars was like the earth then maybe we could discover how it became uninhabitable. Also if we discover how Mars became uninhabitable maybe we could prevent that from happening on Earth.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Traveling to Mars would need space suits and a ship to survive the climate and atmosphere but going to mars would help mankind to survive if the world ends because of green house gases and the hole in the o-zone layer. These were the reasons that I think may convince you Mr. President to send a manned space ship and crew up to space to land on Mars”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Some of the writer’s details are specific and relevant to the argument presented. (“The climate on Mars can be between many temperatures. At one point of Mars it could be -50degrees farenheit but at another point of Mars it could be over 150degrees farenheit thats what could possibly kill you. But climate isn't the only thing that could most definitely kill you, the air of Mars is made of CO2 [carbon dioxide], a poison that can kill you once you inhale it.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Maybe if we do land on Mars we will be able to figure out if at one time Mars was like the earth and if Mars was like the earth then maybe we could discover how it became uninhabitable. Also if we discover how Mars became uninhabitable maybe we could prevent that from happening on Earth.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Many people might tell you it is a bad idea. Many people might say that it is too expensive and that the money can be used for other stuff like education or helping poor families or building better roads. This is all true but there are good things to come out of this plan of yours. If we were to land on Mars maybe we would have a chance to figure out if there were any types of lifeforms that have ever lived there on Mars.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. He/she demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices, and overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Dear Mr. President, This letter you have just recieved is a letter to support your decision for a manned mission to Mars. Going to Mars may not be an easy task but I think with the right equipment, the right amount of supplies and enough man hours to make an effort at the mission. Traveling millions of miles from earth will not only be a tough task it will cost billions of dollars it will cost billions of dollars to pay for all the fuel to get them to and from and not the right amount of fuel could mean the difference between life and death.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions, which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Landing a manned spacecraft on Mars will be one of the greatest accomplishments in space travel and NASA history because it is tough to land on something that is that hot and cold at any time not including the air, which is carbon dioxide [Co2]. The climate on Mars can be between many temperatures. At one point of Mars it could be -50degrees farenheit but at another point of Mars it could be over 150degrees farenheit thats what could possibly kill you.”)

The conclusion gives the readers a sense of closure, but it should restate arguments and give the audience something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“These were the reasons that I think may convince you Mr. President to send a manned space ship and crew up to space to land on Mars”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It uses some sentence and word choice variety, but sentence structures need to be improved in many instances.

Sentence structures need to be improved to convey a more effective message to the intended audience. (“If we were to land on Mars maybe we would have a chance to figure out if there were any types of lifeforms that have ever lived there on Mars. Also if we were to land on Mars then maybe we could find evidence of many different things like if there were any bodies of water or maybe some different kind of plants that may have lived on the planet.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“Many people might tell you it is a bad idea. Many people might say that it is too expensive and that the money can be used for other stuff like education or helping poor families or building better roads. This is all true but there are good things to come out of this plan of yours. If we were to land on Mars maybe we would have a chance to figure out if there were any types of lifeforms that have ever lived there on Mars.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Maybe if we do land on Mars we will be able to figure out if at one time Mars was like the earth and if Mars was like the earth then maybe we could discover how it became uninhabitable. Also if we discover how Mars became uninhabitable maybe we could prevent that from happening on Earth. Maybe if somehow we could make parts of the planet habitable then we could build base camps up there so then people could live up there or go on vacations or maybe just hang out up there but that wont be happening for another 50 to 100 years probably.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ The climate on Mars can be between many temperatures. At one point of Mars it could be -50degrees farenheit but at another point of Mars it could be over 150degrees farenheit thats what could possibly kill you. But climate isn't the only thing that could most definitely kill you, the air of Mars is made of CO2 [carbon dioxide], a poison that can kill you once you inhale it.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

A Manned Mission to Mars

Dear Mr. President,

I truly think that everything that you do for this country is up to yourself completely, but just for a moment think of how a situation will impacted the lives of others. The people in your country are worth listening to and if you continue with your latest exploration of sending civilians to colonize another planet, Mars. If you do continue can you al least think what the people think and for ones let the people vote on this very issue so if they say yes and its a complete disaster we the people cannot blame the government but Ourselves, instead of the government.

The next true issue is the problem of the budget of the USA can this nation really afford the Colonization of Mars. I think that the nation could, but wait a few years so we have a chance to make money. Have patience with this and it might come out more successful than once thought of, if you do not the mission can be a disaster and the country might never again approve any of the future ideas you have that can be very helpful in the far future. Try to see what I am telling you, this country can not at all take the chance of spending 20 billion dollars and not to have the money be worth while. If you break this country it will be left defenseless with no security and electricity; with those warnings I give that this mission can not be taken lightly.

The issue I would like to give you is the about the fact that the living conditions the people living there will have. The sever change in weather, the deposition of not being able to see their family very often, and the problem of how would it be divided up to, like what nations get what and will their be an army to protect them from themselves. And would it be a good idea to have a prison up there so we can take the most dangerous people and put them in a triple maximum felicity with all these things to ponder while the dissuasion is yours.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of sending a manned mission to Mars but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I truly think that everything that you do for this country is up to yourself completely, but just for a moment think of how a situation will impacted the lives of others. The people in your country are worth listening to and if you continue with your latest exploration of sending civilians to colonize another planet, Mars. If you do continue can you al least think what the people think and for ones let the people vote on this very issue so if they say yes and its a complete disaster we the people cannot blame the government but Ourselves, instead of the government.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. He/she touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Try to see what I am telling you, this country can not at all take the chance of spending 20 billion dollars and not to have the money be worth while. If you break this country it will be left defenseless with no security and electricity; with those warnings I give that this mission can not be taken lightly.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“The issue I would like to give you is the about the fact that the living conditions the people living there will have. The sever change in weather, the deposition of not being able to see their family very often, and the problem of how would it be divided up to, like what nations get what and will their be an army to protect them from themselves. And would it be a good idea to have a prison up there so we can take the most dangerous people and put them in a triple maximum felicity with all these things to ponder while the dissuasion is yours.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against a manned mission to Mars. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay does not attempt to address specific concerns from those with possible opposing views. (“Try to see what I am telling you, this country can not at all take the chance of spending 20 billion dollars and not to have the money be worth while. If you break this country it will be left defenseless with no security and electricity; with those warnings I give that this mission can not be taken lightly.”)

The writer mentions a few supporting ideas in a limited way but does not maintain enough focus for the argument to have credibility. (“The sever change in weather, the deposition of not being able to see their family very often, and the problem of how would it be divided up to, like what nations get what and will their be an army to protect them from themselves.”)

The development of specific ideas is severely lacking in the essay. The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. (“ The next true issue is the problem of the budget of the USA can this nation really afford the Colonization of Mars. I think that the nation could, but wait a few years so we have a chance to make money. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer begins the response with a very limited introduction. (“ I truly think that everything that you do for this country is up to yourself completely, but just for a moment think of how a situation will impacted the lives of others. The people in your country are worth listening to and if you continue with your latest exploration of sending civilians to colonize another planet, Mars. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“Try to see what I am telling you, this country can not at all take the chance of spending 20 billion dollars and not to have the money be worth while. If you break this country it will be left defenseless with no security and electricity; with those warnings I give that this mission can not be taken lightly.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a recognizable conclusion. The conclusion should restate the writer’s position and leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. The writer does not give readers a sense of closure. (“And would it be a good idea to have a prison up there so we can take the most dangerous people and put them in a triple maximum felicity with all these things to ponder while the dissuasion is yours.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“The next true issue is the problem of the budget of the USA can this nation really afford the Colonization of Mars. I think that the nation could, but wait a few years so we have a chance to make money. Have patience with this and it might come out more successful than once thought of, if you do not the mission can be a disaster and the country might never again approve any of the future ideas you have that can be very helpful in the far future. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak. (“The issue I would like to give you is the about the fact that the living conditions the people living there will have. The sever change in weather, the deposition of not being able to see their family very often, and the problem of how would it be divided up to, like what nations get what and will their be an army to protect them from themselves. And would it be a good idea to have a prison up there so we can take the most dangerous people and put them in a triple maximum felicity with all these things to ponder while the dissuasion is yours.”)

Simple word choices and limited sentence variety hinder the communication of the writer’s message. (“The people in your country are worth listening to and if you continue with your latest exploration of sending civilians to colonize another planet, Mars. If you do continue can you al least think what the people think and for ones let the people vote on this very issue so if they say yes and its a complete disaster we the people cannot blame the government but Ourselves, instead of the government.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“If you do continue can you al least think what the people think and for ones let the people vote on this very issue so if they say yes and its a complete disaster we the people cannot blame the government but Ourselves, instead of the government.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear,president of the United States

The mission to mars is good but the cost of it is the one who is making it difficult for us and the people. Still we should coutinue to proceed the mission and even though we have problems with and can do it we still have to.

You know the mission that were doing is cool because if I go you know I'll do it better than who ever you chose.The technology that were going to use are cost alot and we do not have the experence if all the new stuff that we need. The mission is possible or impossible because you see if we do this we might fail it or get somebodys life in danger.First we have to test it on an animal or somebody that wants to die so we could do things right.If you dont want to do a practice then just do the mission.Alright it is time for me to go and visit my family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of sending a manned mission to Mars. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“The mission to mars is good but the cost of it is the one who is making it difficult for us and the people. Still we should coutinue to proceed the mission and even though we have problems with and can do it we still have to.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“The mission is possible or impossible because you see if we do this we might fail it or get somebodys life in danger.First we have to test it on an animal or somebody that wants to die so we could do things right.If you dont want to do a practice then just do the mission.Alright it is time for me to go and visit my family.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ You know the mission that were doing is cool because if I go you know I'll do it better than who ever you chose.The technology that were going to use are cost alot and we do not have the experence if all the new stuff that we need. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convincingly inform the readers of his/her stance on the issue of sending a manned mission to Mars. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. Additionally, the writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ You know the mission that were doing is cool because if I go you know I'll do it better than who ever you chose.The technology that were going to use are cost alot and we do not have the experence if all the new stuff that we need. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ First we have to test it on an animal or somebody that wants to die so we could do things right.If you dont want to do a practice then just do the mission. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“ The technology that were going to use are cost alot and we do not have the experence if all the new stuff that we need. The mission is possible or impossible because you see if we do this we might fail it or get somebodys life in danger.First we have to test it on an animal or somebody that wants to die so we could do things right.If you dont want to do a practice then just do the mission. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“The mission to mars is good but the cost of it is the one who is making it difficult for us and the people. Still we should coutinue to proceed the mission and even though we have problems with and can do it we still have to.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect his/her stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ You know the mission that were doing is cool because if I go you know I'll do it better than who ever you chose.The technology that were going to use are cost alot and we do not have the experence if all the new stuff that we need. The mission is possible or impossible because you see if we do this we might fail it or get somebodys life in danger. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“If you dont want to do a practice then just do the mission.Alright it is time for me to go and visit my family.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. He/she employs poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“The mission to mars is good but the cost of it is the one who is making it difficult for us and the people. Still we should coutinue to proceed the mission and even though we have problems with and can do it we still have to.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs short, choppy sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“The mission is possible or impossible because you see if we do this we might fail it or get somebodys life in danger.First we have to test it on an animal or somebody that wants to die so we could do things right.If you dont want to do a practice then just do the mission. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of sending a manned mission to Mars. (“The mission to mars is good but the cost of it is the one who is making it difficult for us and the people. Still we should coutinue to proceed the mission and even though we have problems with and can do it we still have to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The writer commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, sentence structures are weak, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ The technology that were going to use are cost alot and we do not have the experence if all the new stuff that we need. The mission is possible or impossible because you see if we do this we might fail it or get somebodys life in danger. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

A Manned Mission To Mars

A manned mission to mars is a dangers job for any one to do. If I went to mars I would ask for it to be only for 3 to 5 days long at the most. Sins I was 3 or 4 I have wanted to go to mars.I have watched the news and have ben interested in science for a very long time, so I have been interested in mars for ever. well sinse I was in 4th grade.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning and satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion for the argument presented, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of the merits or drawbacks of a manned mission to Mars. (“ A manned mission to mars is a dangers job for any one to do. If I went to mars I would ask for it to be only for 3 to 5 days long at the most. ”)

The writer does not illustrate an awareness of audience because he/she does not use appropriate language. (“sinse I was in 4th grade.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ A manned mission to mars is a dangers job for any one to do. If I went to mars I would ask for it to be only for 3 to 5 days long at the most. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments on the issue of sending a manned mission to Mars. Notably, the essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include relevant details to support the stated opinion. (“A manned mission to mars is a dangers job for any one to do. If I went to mars I would ask for it to be only for 3 to 5 days long at the most. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ I have watched the news and have ben interested in science for a very long time, so I have been interested in mars for ever. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are present in body paragraphs in the essay. (“A Manned Mission To Mars A manned mission to mars is a dangers job for any one to do. If I went to mars I would ask for it to be only for 3 to 5 days long at the most. Sins I was 3 or 4 I have wanted to go to mars.I have watched the news and have ben interested in science for a very long time, so I have been interested in mars for ever. well sinse I was in 4th grade.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states an awareness of the proposition to send a manned mission to Mars and how this has been an interest of his/hers for a while. (“If I went to mars I would ask for it to be only for 3 to 5 days long at the most. Sins I was 3 or 4 I have wanted to go to mars.I have watched the news and have ben interested in science for a very long time, so I have been interested in mars for ever. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate . The essay demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices used to promote flow and sequence.

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ A manned mission to mars is a dangers job for any one to do. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ Sins I was 3 or 4 I have wanted to go to mars.I have watched the news and have ben interested in science for a very long time, so I have been interested in mars for ever. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“I have watched the news and have ben interested in science for a very long time, so I have been interested in mars for ever. well sinse I was in 4th grade.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not provide descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“A manned mission to mars is a dangers job for any one to do. If I went to mars I would ask for it to be only for 3 to 5 days long at the most. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“well sinse I was in 4th grade.”)

There is repetition of ideas and word choices in this brief response. (“ Sins I was 3 or 4 I have wanted to go to mars.I have watched the news and have ben interested in science for a very long time, so I have been interested in mars for ever. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Sins I was 3 or 4 I have wanted to go to mars.I have watched the news and have ben interested in science for a very long time, so I have been interested in mars for ever. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Acting Courageous or Seeking Thrills?

What is courage? How is being courageous different from being a thrill-seeker? What activities do or do not require courage?

After reading the teacher assigned texts on different forms of courage, write an argumentative essay on the qualities that contribute to a courageous person and action. Be sure to acknowledge competing views of courage, and support your position with evidence from the assigned texts.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

What is courage? Is it sacrificing yourself to save someone else? Is it doing something you've never done before? Is it doing something dangerous just for the rush of adrenaline? In some ways, courage is all of these things. In other ways, it is none of them. For me, courage is acting selflessly, to either save someone else or something else. It is standing up for what you believe in, and it is being brave in spite of any conflict.

It takes a great deal of courage to act selflessly. Being able to forget yourself and to only think of others is an amazing characteristic, but you have to be very brave. Joplin James, a teacher at Shelburne Community School in Vermont, sacrificed himself to save a woman from a burning car. He did not have to get out and help her, but he did. He was brave, courageous, and was acting completely selfless. Ambros Redmoon once said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." I believe that this quote describes what Joplin James did very well. Being courageous does not mean that you have to put yourself in danger, however. In other cases, just simple things can be considered courage, like what Oseola McCarty did in 1999, before she died. She saved up every penny she ever earned, and when she grew old and frail, she decided to give all of that money ($150,000) away. She donated it to the University of Southern Mississippi, a nearby school that did not allow students of Oseola's race when she was little.

Standing up for what you believe in is another major part of courage. It is not always even just standing up for yourself- it can be standing up for others, too. Rosa Parks is a great example of this. In Rosa's time, there was major inequality between "blacks" and "whites." African Americans were greatly unappreciated, and did not have many of the rights that citizens of the United States do now. The most famous thing that Rosa did was sitting in the front of a bus. It does not sound like a lot, but in her time, African Americans were not allowed to sit in the front of a bus, so Rosa's actions seemed out of place, but very courageous. She was arrested for the act, but she helped start the Civil Rights Movement. It took an immeasurable amount of courage and bravery to do what Rosa did, but she did it because she believed in it.

Being brave in spite of conflict is what most people think of when they hear the word "courage." This is because it is the most interesting and awe-inspiring part of courage. It can include both standing up for what you believe in, and acting selflessly, but can also include a lot more. An anonymous person once said, "I know of no higher fortitude than stubbornness in the face of overwhelming odds." This very accurately describes how I feel about courage. Bill Badger, a 70 year old man showed this when he leaped at someone who was shooting innocent people. He sacrificed himself, and showed an enormous amount of courage even though there was an armed and dangerous man standing before him. There is also the "subway hero" from New York City who, after a woman fell from a train platform onto the train tracks, leaped onto the tracks and covered her body with his, so she would not get hit as the train whizzed past.

Some dare devils may say that courage is putting yourself in danger and not knowing what will come next; however, courage is making a sacrifice to save someone or something that you love. Sure, you do need to be brave to, say, go bungee jumping or rock climbing, but I do not believe that that qualifies as true courage. When you are thrill-seeking, there is no purpose to what you are doing, other than wanting to feel that rush of adrenaline you get when you do something dangerous. When you act courageously, there is always a point to what you are doing, whether it is saving a life or something small like overcoming a fear. People assume that being courageous always has to be doing something drastic, but it can be something miniscule, like overcoming embarrassment.

In conclusion, courage is not just putting yourself in the most dangerous position possible; it's much, much more. It can include danger, but that is not the main aspect of it. Acting courageously always has a purpose, though sometimes that purpose may seem not all that important. Courage is standing up for you believe in, and never giving up on you beliefs. It's acting selflessly for the things that you love, and it's being brave in spite of any conflict, no matter how overwhelming that conflict may be. The special thing about courage is that it practically happens instinctively. It is human nature to want to help someone else, or make heard your beliefs. Anyone can show courage, everyone has, and that's what I love about it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion that effectively persuades readers. The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinion statement that defines his/her view of courage. (“What is courage? Is it sacrificing yourself to save someone else? Is it doing something you've never done before? Is it doing something dangerous just for the rush of adrenaline? In some ways, courage is all of these things. In other ways, it is none of them. For me, courage is acting selflessly, to either save someone else or something else. It is standing up for what you believe in, and it is being brave in spite of any conflict.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“It takes a great deal of courage to act selflessly. Being able to forget yourself and to only think of others is an amazing characteristic, but you have to be very brave. Joplin James, a teacher at Shelburne Community School in Vermont, sacrificed himself to save a woman from a burning car. He did not have to get out and help her, but he did. He was brave, courageous, and was acting completely selfless. Ambros Redmoon once said, ‘Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.’ I believe that this quote describes what Joplin James did very well.”)

The essay effectively stays focused on the central/controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that courage is acting selflessly and standing up for one’s beliefs in spite of risks that may be involved. Each paragraph provides an example of a different form of courageous behavior. (“Being courageous does not mean that you have to put yourself in danger, however. In other cases, just simple things can be considered courage, like what Oseola McCarty did in 1999, before she died. She saved up every penny she ever earned, and when she grew old and frail, she decided to give all of that money ($150,000) away. She donated it to the University of Southern Mississippi, a nearby school that did not allow students of Oseola's race when she was little.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on which behaviors define courage . The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. The specific example of Rosa Parks fighting the injustice of inequality during the Civil Rights Movement supports the writer's main idea. (“Standing up for what you believe in is another major part of courage. It is not always even just standing up for yourself- it can be standing up for others, too. Rosa Parks is a great example of this. In Rosa's time, there was major inequality between ‘blacks’ and ‘whites.’ African Americans were greatly unappreciated, and did not have many of the rights that citizens of the United States do now. The most famous thing that Rosa did was sitting in the front of a bus. It does not sound like a lot, but in her time, African Americans were not allowed to sit in the front of a bus, so Rosa's actions seemed out of place, but very courageous. She was arrested for the act, but she helped start the Civil Rights Movement. It took an immeasurable amount of courage and bravery to do what Rosa did, but she did it because she believed in it.”)

Details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including or challenging readers. The essay successfully provokes readers to contemplate their own definition of courage and asks them to consider a broader view. (“Being brave in spite of conflict is what most people think of when they hear the word ‘courage.’ This is because it is the most interesting and awe-inspiring part of courage. It can include both standing up for what you believe in, and acting selflessly, but can also include a lot more. An anonymous person once said, ‘I know of no higher fortitude than stubbornness in the face of overwhelming odds.’ This very accurately describes how I feel about courage. Bill Badger, a 70 year old man showed this when he leaped at someone who was shooting innocent people. He sacrificed himself, and showed an enormous amount of courage even though there was an armed and dangerous man standing before him. There is also the ‘subway hero’ from New York City who, after a woman fell from a train platform onto the train tracks, leaped onto the tracks and covered her body with his, so she would not get hit as the train whizzed past.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. In this portion of the essay, the writer explains the difference between courage and thrill seeking. (“Some dare devils may say that courage is putting yourself in danger and not knowing what will come next; however, courage is making a sacrifice to save someone or something that you love. Sure, you do need to be brave to, say, go bungee jumping or rock climbing, but I do not believe that that qualifies as true courage. When you are thrill-seeking, there is no purpose to what you are doing, other than wanting to feel that rush of adrenaline you get when you do something dangerous. When you act courageously, there is always a point to what you are doing, whether it is saving a life or something small like overcoming a fear. People assume that being courageous always has to be doing something drastic, but it can be something miniscule, like overcoming embarrassment.”)

Organization

The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The writer asks questions that relate the topic of the essay to personal experiences that are relevant to readers. The implication is that every reader will have a slightly different definition of the concept of courage. (“What is courage? Is it sacrificing yourself to save someone else? Is it doing something you've never done before? Is it doing something dangerous just for the rush of adrenaline? In some ways, courage is all of these things. In other ways, it is none of them. For me, courage is acting selflessly, to either save someone else or something else. It is standing up for what you believe in, and it is being brave in spite of any conflict.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “however” and “in other cases” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas about selfless behavior are related or connected. (“He was brave, courageous, and was acting completely selfless. Ambros Redmoon once said, ‘Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.’ I believe that this quote describes what Joplin James did very well. Being courageous does not mean that you have to put yourself in danger, however. In other cases, just simple things can be considered courage, like what Oseola McCarty did in 1999, before she died. She saved up every penny she ever earned, and when she grew old and frail, she decided to give all of that money ($150,000) away. She donated it to the University of Southern Mississippi, a nearby school that did not allow students of Oseola's race when she was little.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. The writer reviews his/her ideas about courage and stresses the fact that everyone has done something courageous in his/her life. (“In conclusion, courage is not just putting yourself in the most dangerous position possible; it's much, much more. It can include danger, but that is not the main aspect of it. Acting courageously always has a purpose, though sometimes that purpose may seem not all that important. Courage is standing up for you believe in, and never giving up on you beliefs. It's acting selflessly for the things that you love, and it's being brave in spite of any conflict, no matter how overwhelming that conflict may be. The special thing about courage is that it practically happens instinctively. It is human nature to want to help someone else, or make heard your beliefs. Anyone can show courage, everyone has, and that's what I love about it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. He/she demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the essay.

Coherent use of style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. The writer states that most people define courageous behavior as someone who performs a selfless act in the face of danger or risk. (“Being brave in spite of conflict is what most people think of when they hear the word ‘courage.’ This is because it is the most interesting and awe-inspiring part of courage. It can include both standing up for what you believe in, and acting selflessly, but can also include a lot more. An anonymous person once said, ‘I know of no higher fortitude than stubbornness in the face of overwhelming odds.’ This very accurately describes how I feel about courage. Bill Badger, a 70 year old man showed this when he leaped at someone who was shooting innocent people. He sacrificed himself, and showed an enormous amount of courage even though there was an armed and dangerous man standing before him. There is also the ‘subway hero’ from New York City who, after a woman fell from a train platform onto the train tracks, leaped onto the tracks and covered her body with his, so she would not get hit as the train whizzed past.”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Some dare devils may say that courage is putting yourself in danger and not knowing what will come next; however, courage is making a sacrifice to save someone or something that you love. Sure, you do need to be brave to, say, go bungee jumping or rock climbing, but I do not believe that that qualifies as true courage. When you are thrill-seeking, there is no purpose to what you are doing, other than wanting to feel that rush of adrenaline you get when you do something dangerous. When you act courageously, there is always a point to what you are doing, whether it is saving a life or something small like overcoming a fear. People assume that being courageous always has to be doing something drastic, but it can be something miniscule, like overcoming embarrassment.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by combining sentences with conjunctions and semicolons to create compound and complex structures. (“In conclusion, courage is not just putting yourself in the most dangerous position possible; it's much, much more. It can include danger, but that is not the main aspect of it. Acting courageously always has a purpose, though sometimes that purpose may seem not all that important. Courage is standing up for you believe in, and never giving up on you beliefs. It's acting selflessly for the things that you love, and it's being brave in spite of any conflict, no matter how overwhelming that conflict may be. The special thing about courage is that it practically happens instinctively. It is human nature to want to help someone else, or make heard your beliefs. Anyone can show courage, everyone has, and that's what I love about it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“It takes a great deal of courage to act selflessly. Being able to forget yourself and to only think of others is an amazing characteristic, but you have to be very brave. Joplin James, a teacher at Shelburne Community School in Vermont, sacrificed himself to save a woman from a burning car. He did not have to get out and help her, but he did. He was brave, courageous, and was acting completely selfless. Ambros Redmoon once said, ‘Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.’ I believe that this quote describes what Joplin James did very well.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Courage

If you were in a tough situation and tragedy might strike would you want someone to step up and save you? I have learned while reading and watching videos that some people are willing to step up and make the right decisions in tough situations. If you have courage you need to possess these three things: Bravery, confidence, and fearlessness.

First off there were lots of examples of bravery in the videos we watched and the reading we did. One example was the story of the bus driver Joplin who stepped up and helped a lady who had gotten in a bad car wreck. Joplin was just bringing the kids home from a camping trip when he saw the lady. He immediately got out and ran to help. He saw that the car was about to start on fire so he ran back to the bus and grabbed the fire extinguisher. Then he put the fire out and pulled the lady out of the car. That is tremendous bravery. According to Joplin "I'm not a hero a real hero is someone like the person who stopped the shooting in Tucson Arizona." As a result, of the man’s bravery many lives were saved. He stepped in front of the congress woman so she wouldn't get shot, then him and some other people ran at the shooter and brought him to custody.

Second, you need to be confident in what you are about to do. The pilot that had to crash land his plane in the Hudson Bay showed extreme confidence that he would for sure land the plane safely. The pilot recalls feeling of oh wow am I really about to do this. As he spoke to the passengers over the microphone he knew what he had to do and how to do it. According to the pilot "I knew what I needed to do and never second guessed myself as a result, I saved many valuable lives." Also another amazing example of courage is when Oseola McCarty donated her money towards black kids being able to get scholarships. She had confidence that if she were to donate money that would for sure help out at least a few black students get scholarships.

Lastly, you need to be fearless to be able to do crazy things. One great example of fearlessness was the letter carrier in Lexington, Massachusetts. He saw a house engulfed in flames and decided to do something extraordinary. He completely stopped what he was doing, ran into the house and picked up a ninety-six year old man out of his house and to safety. That is an amazing accomplishment. Another prime example of fearlessness is the Little Rock nine. They were African American students who had to be sent to an all white school for their education. One particular girl didn't know where to go, so she walked right up the steps where all the white people were yelling and saying extremely rude things to her. She went up to the door and tried to go inside the school but the guard wasn't going to let her in. So she ran across the street still being cussed at and sat at a bench. A very nice white lady came up to her and showed her where she was being escorted to the school. That is pure fearlessness.

Some people may say that recklessness is a huge part in being courage's but, if you are being reckless you are probably being stupid as well. Some good examples are the tight rope walker and the snowmobiler. They thought they were demonstrated courage but they were risking their lives in very stupid ways.

To conclude, many people can show courage whether it is at home, in you neighborhood, at school, or anywhere. Those people are usually very brave, confident, and fearless. Those are the people that you would call heroes, the people that step up in tough and nerve racking situations. I am very sure that if you were in one of those situations you would want a hero with those qualities to step up and take care of it all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position in order to persuade the readers on the qualities that compose courage. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question that focuses on the readers receiving the benefit of someone else’s courageous act. (“If you were in a tough situation and tragedy might strike would you want someone to step up and save you? I have learned while reading and watching videos that some people are willing to step up and make the right decisions in tough situations. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the qualities of courage. (“If you have courage you need to possess these three things: Bravery, confidence, and fearlessness. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. In this portion of the essay, the writer cites specific examples of people showing bravery in the face of danger. He/she implies that risking one’s life for others exemplifies bravery. (“First off there were lots of examples of bravery in the videos we watched and the reading we did. One example was the story of the bus driver Joplin who stepped up and helped a lady who had gotten in a bad car wreck. Joplin was just bringing the kids home from a camping trip when he saw the lady. He immediately got out and ran to help. He saw that the car was about to start on fire so he ran back to the bus and grabbed the fire extinguisher. Then he put the fire out and pulled the lady out of the car. That is tremendous bravery. According to Joplin ‘I'm not a hero a real hero is someone like the person who stopped the shooting in Tucson Arizona.’ As a result, of the man’s bravery many lives were saved. He stepped in front of the congress woman so she wouldn't get shot, then him and some other people ran at the shooter and brought him to custody. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good content and development. He/she develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. The essay clearly addresses the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The writer includes facts, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. The example of the pilot staying calm and making an emergency landing validates the writer’s belief that courage requires confidence in one’s ability to control the situation. (“Second, you need to be confident in what you are about to do. The pilot that had to crash land his plane in the Hudson Bay showed extreme confidence that he would for sure land the plane safely. The pilot recalls feeling of oh wow am I really about to do this. As he spoke to the passengers over the microphone he knew what he had to do and how to do it. According to the pilot ‘I knew what I needed to do and never second guessed myself as a result, I saved many valuable lives.’ Also another amazing example of courage is when Oseola McCarty donated her money towards black kids being able to get scholarships. She had confidence that if she were to donate money that would for sure help out at least a few black students get scholarships. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer explains that fearlessness is doing what needs to be done at a given moment in time. (“Lastly, you need to be fearless to be able to do crazy things. One great example of fearlessness was the letter carrier in Lexington, Massachusetts. He saw a house engulfed in flames and decided to do something extraordinary. He completely stopped what he was doing, ran into the house and picked up a ninety-six year old man out of his house and to safety. That is an amazing accomplishment. Another prime example of fearlessness is the Little Rock nine. They were African American students who had to be sent to an all white school for their education. One particular girl didn't know where to go, so she walked right up the steps where all the white people were yelling and saying extremely rude things to her. She went up to the door and tried to go inside the school but the guard wasn't going to let her in. So she ran across the street still being cussed at and sat at a bench. A very nice white lady came up to her and showed her where she was being escorted to the school. That is pure fearlessness. ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. He/she discusses the difference between courage and recklessness. (“Some people may say that recklessness is a huge part in being courage's but, if you are being reckless you are probably being stupid as well. Some good examples are the tight rope walker and the snowmobiler. They thought they were demonstrated courage but they were risking their lives in very stupid ways. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“If you were in a tough situation and tragedy might strike would you want someone to step up and save you? I have learned while reading and watching videos that some people are willing to step up and make the right decisions in tough situations. If you have courage you need to possess these three things: Bravery, confidence, and fearlessness. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs and sentences help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Second, you need to be confident in what you are about to do. The pilot that had to crash land his plane in the Hudson Bay showed extreme confidence that he would for sure land the plane safely. The pilot recalls feeling of oh wow am I really about to do this. As he spoke to the passengers over the microphone he knew what he had to do and how to do it. According to the pilot ‘I knew what I needed to do and never second guessed myself as a result, I saved many valuable lives.’ Also another amazing example of courage is when Oseola McCarty donated her money towards black kids being able to get scholarships. She had confidence that if she were to donate money that would for sure help out at least a few black students get scholarships. ”)

The conclusion summarizes the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. He/she reiterates how the qualities that constitute courage are necessary in challenging situations. (“To conclude, many people can show courage whether it is at home, in you neighborhood, at school, or anywhere. Those people are usually very brave, confident, and fearless. Those are the people that you would call heroes, the people that step up in tough and nerve racking situations. I am very sure that if you were in one of those situations you would want a hero with those qualities to step up and take care of it all. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is good. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. In the essay, he/she uses forceful language to convince the readers that bravery equates to saving lives. (“First off there were lots of examples of bravery in the videos we watched and the reading we did. One example was the story of the bus driver Joplin who stepped up and helped a lady who had gotten in a bad car wreck. Joplin was just bringing the kids home from a camping trip when he saw the lady. He immediately got out and ran to help. He saw that the car was about to start on fire so he ran back to the bus and grabbed the fire extinguisher. Then he put the fire out and pulled the lady out of the car. That is tremendous bravery. According to Joplin ‘I'm not a hero a real hero is someone like the person who stopped the shooting in Tucson Arizona.’ As a result, of the man’s bravery many lives were saved. He stepped in front of the congress woman so she wouldn't get shot, then him and some other people ran at the shooter and brought him to custody. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) and by adding more details. (“Lastly, you need to be fearless to be able to do crazy things. One great example of fearlessness was the letter carrier in Lexington, Massachusetts. He saw a house engulfed in flames and decided to do something extraordinary. He completely stopped what he was doing, ran into the house and picked up a ninety-six year old man out of his house and to safety. That is an amazing accomplishment. Another prime example of fearlessness is the Little Rock nine. They were African American students who had to be sent to an all white school for their education. One particular girl didn't know where to go, so she walked right up the steps where all the white people were yelling and saying extremely rude things to her. She went up to the door and tried to go inside the school but the guard wasn't going to let her in. So she ran across the street still being cussed at and sat at a bench. A very nice white lady came up to her and showed her where she was being escorted to the school. That is pure fearlessness. ”)

The language and tone of the essay are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Coherent use of style and tone ensures that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Some people may say that recklessness is a huge part in being courage's but, if you are being reckless you are probably being stupid as well. Some good examples are the tight rope walker and the snowmobiler. They thought they were demonstrated courage but they were risking their lives in very stupid ways. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“To conclude, many people can show courage whether it is at home, in you neighborhood, at school, or anywhere. Those people are usually very brave, confident, and fearless. Those are the people that you would call heroes, the people that step up in tough and nerve racking situations. I am very sure that if you were in one of those situations you would want a hero with those qualities to step up and take care of it all. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Courage or Thrill Seeking?

A person who demonstrates courage probably has these three main qualities. Those qualities are bravery, confidence, and being able to overcome your fears. There are many different definitions of courage. If you were to ask 20 random people what courage was defined to them as, chances are you would get a different answer every time. So with that being said what exactly is courage?

Bravery

To me one of the things that defines courage is how brave you are.Bravery is a quality many people possess even if they do not know it yet. something that would demonstrate bravery is a situation like what happened in Lexington Mass. A letter carrier was doing his daily rounds when he saw a house that was on fire. He ran into the house to check and make sure nobody was inside. He found a 96 year old man in the burning house and got him out of there. He saved that mans life.Even though the letter carrier did have a lot of courage you do not have to go find a burning house and save someone from it. Courage can be defined and found in little things that you may have to do everyday. Things as simple as just being who you truly are and not letting anyone change you or make you change the way you are.

Confidence

If you are courage's you have to have some amount of confidence in you. Whether it's alot or a little. You have to believe in yourself enough so that you will not give up no matter what you are doing. Like the man who landed the plane on the hudson river after it had technical difficulty. He told himself that he would be able to land the plane and save all of the people on board and he did. That's all because he had confidence and he believed in himself.Or what about the man who saved a woman who fell onto train tracks in a New York Subway station. He pushed her in-between the rails and covered her as the train passed over them. Small things that happen to you every day require some amount of confidence whether you realize it or not.

Overcoming your fears

Contrary to modern belief you do not have to be fearless to be courage's. Everybody gets scared, its just the way we are. The thing that would make you courage's would be being able to overcome or conquer your fears. Doing this may be hard but imagine yourself in a life threatening situation and your entire family is there watching to see what you are going to do to help them out. Sometimes you have to be able to hide the way you truly feel inside so that others can believe in you even if you don't believe in yourself.

Thrill Seekers

There is however, a difference between being a thrill seeker and demonstrating courage. Being a thrill seeker is when you do stupid things just because they might be fun, or like if you were to go cliff jumping to show that you are not scared. Sure it takes some bravery and courage to do that but for the most part you just do it cause you feel like it or just because you can. There is a huge difference between saving people from a burning boat on a somewhat normal day, and walking in-between the two Twin Towers on a tight rope.

But I guess it all depends on what your own definition or courage is. Is it the guy who just saved somebody's life in a local subway station or is it the guy who just jumped into a lake off of a bridge just to show that he has "no fear'' ? It’s all up to you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes an opinion and adequately attempts to persuade the readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about qualities that contribute to a courageous person or action. (“A person who demonstrates courage probably has these three main qualities. Those qualities are bravery, confidence, and being able to overcome your fears.”)

The language of the thesis statement/controlling idea fits the examples well. Explanations support the writer’s assertion that a courageous person demonstrates brave characteristics. (“To me one of the things that defines courage is how brave you are.Bravery is a quality many people possess even if they do not know it yet. something that would demonstrate bravery is a situation like what happened in Lexington Mass. A letter carrier was doing his daily rounds when he saw a house that was on fire. He ran into the house to check and make sure nobody was inside. He found a 96 year old man in the burning house and got him out of there. He saved that mans life.Even though the letter carrier did have a lot of courage you do not have to go find a burning house and save someone from it. Courage can be defined and found in little things that you may have to do everyday. Things as simple as just being who you truly are and not letting anyone change you or make you change the way you are.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language are never or rarely used. (“There are many different definitions of courage. If you were to ask 20 random people what courage was defined to them as, chances are you would get a different answer every time. So with that being said what exactly is courage?”)

Content & Development

The writer provides adequate content and development. He/she develops arguments using some details for support. However, the essay only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. His/her examples imply that a person’s confidence in handling a situation can ensure a successful outcome. (“If you are courage's you have to have some amount of confidence in you. Whether it's alot or a little. You have to believe in yourself enough so that you will not give up no matter what you are doing. Like the man who landed the plane on the hudson river after it had technical difficulty. He told himself that he would be able to land the plane and save all of the people on board and he did. That's all because he had confidence and he believed in himself.Or what about the man who saved a woman who fell onto train tracks in a New York Subway station. He pushed her in-between the rails and covered her as the train passed over them. Small things that happen to you every day require some amount of confidence whether you realize it or not.”)

The explanations and details used to support the writer's main ideas are adequate. (“Contrary to modern belief you do not have to be fearless to be courage's. Everybody gets scared, its just the way we are. The thing that would make you courage's would be being able to overcome or conquer your fears. Doing this may be hard but imagine yourself in a life threatening situation and your entire family is there watching to see what you are going to do to help them out. Sometimes you have to be able to hide the way you truly feel inside so that others can believe in you even if you don't believe in yourself.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. However, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for opposing views to bolster this section of the essay. (“There is however, a difference between being a thrill seeker and demonstrating courage. Being a thrill seeker is when you do stupid things just because they might be fun, or like if you were to go cliff jumping to show that you are not scared. Sure it takes some bravery and courage to do that but for the most part you just do it cause you feel like it or just because you can. There is a huge difference between saving people from a burning boat on a somewhat normal day, and walking in-between the two Twin Towers on a tight rope.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“A person who demonstrates courage probably has these three main qualities. Those qualities are bravery, confidence, and being able to overcome your fears. There are many different definitions of courage. If you were to ask 20 random people what courage was defined to them as, chances are you would get a different answer every time. So with that being said what exactly is courage?”)

Between paragraphs, the writer uses headings to help him/her move from one main idea to another. He/she also uses subtle transitions between sentences to provide a smooth flow of ideas. (“Contrary to modern belief you do not have to be fearless to be courage's. Everybody gets scared, its just the way we are. The thing that would make you courage's would be being able to overcome or conquer your fears. Doing this may be hard but imagine yourself in a life threatening situation and your entire family is there watching to see what you are going to do to help them out. Sometimes you have to be able to hide the way you truly feel inside so that others can believe in you even if you don't believe in yourself.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“But I guess it all depends on what your own definition or courage is. Is it the guy who just saved somebody's life in a local subway station or is it the guy who just jumped into a lake off of a bridge just to show that he has ‘no fear’ ? It’s all up to you.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is adequate. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The writer demonstrates adequate voice as he/she presents arguments in the essay. (“To me one of the things that defines courage is how brave you are.Bravery is a quality many people possess even if they do not know it yet. something that would demonstrate bravery is a situation like what happened in Lexington Mass. A letter carrier was doing his daily rounds when he saw a house that was on fire. He ran into the house to check and make sure nobody was inside. He found a 96 year old man in the burning house and got him out of there. He saved that mans life.Even though the letter carrier did have a lot of courage you do not have to go find a burning house and save someone from it. Courage can be defined and found in little things that you may have to do everyday. Things as simple as just being who you truly are and not letting anyone change you or make you change the way you are.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Although the writer combines sentences with conjunctions, he/she should take care to correct sentence fragments. (“If you are courage's you have to have some amount of confidence in you. Whether it's alot or a little. You have to believe in yourself enough so that you will not give up no matter what you are doing. Like the man who landed the plane on the hudson river after it had technical difficulty. He told himself that he would be able to land the plane and save all of the people on board and he did. That's all because he had confidence and he believed in himself.Or what about the man who saved a woman who fell onto train tracks in a New York Subway station. He pushed her in-between the rails and covered her as the train passed over them. Small things that happen to you every day require some amount of confidence whether you realize it or not.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“There is however, a difference between being a thrill seeker and demonstrating courage. Being a thrill seeker is when you do stupid things just because they might be fun, or like if you were to go cliff jumping to show that you are not scared. Sure it takes some bravery and courage to do that but for the most part you just do it cause you feel like it or just because you can. There is a huge difference between saving people from a burning boat on a somewhat normal day, and walking in-between the two Twin Towers on a tight rope.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . It contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with communication of the writer's message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“If you are courage's you have to have some amount of confidence in you. Whether it's alot or a little. You have to believe in yourself enough so that you will not give up no matter what you are doing. Like the man who landed the plane on the hudson river after it had technical difficulty.”) The writer needs to proofread carefully.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

What is courage? Here are some characteristics of ways to show courage. Courage means to be fearless, brave, and to show persistence. You also have to be nice to everyone and show empathy for others. Being courageous can come in many ways whether it be small or big.

Courageous people need to be able to have no fears, which means to be fearless. Yourself can show fearlessness by standing up for someone. I think that anyone can be fearless. Also anyone can be courageous if you decide to. Fearless also comes in many different ways small and big.

Another way you can show courage is by being brave. Being brave is when you step up. Stepping up for people can be hard, but in return you have shown courage. It also makes that someone feels really good. Stepping up can really make someone feel better about their self.

Having persistence is a way to also show courage. Persistence is defined as many things like trying your hardest, going the extra mile. Persistence is kind of a personal way to show courage. You either do really great on a test or achieve a goal. Persistence is a great way to do yourself a favor.

Some people might disagree with me and say courage means helping your friend on a test. They might say this because their friend has a bad grade. So I was only helping her not cheating. Well, that isn't showing courage, it is the total different meaning of courage. This is not showing courage!

In conclusion, I want to say courage comes in many ways. It may be small, and it still helps show courage. Sometimes it is by standing up for people. Other times it is by showing personal courage. What some do not realize is that it does not matter how big or small you show it. So what is courage? Courage is being fearless, brave, and having persistence.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states his/her opinion, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited thesis statement with some understanding of purpose and intended audience. (“ Courage means to be fearless, brave, and to show persistence. You also have to be nice to everyone and show empathy for others. ”)

There is a limited amount of details that relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument about what constitutes a courageous act, but the essay does not contain enough details for the argument to be persuasive. (“Another way you can show courage is by being brave. Being brave is when you step up. Stepping up for people can be hard, but in return you have shown courage. It also makes that someone feels really good. Stepping up can really make someone feel better about their self. ”)

The essay reveals a limited understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer fails to address the differences or similarities between courageous acts and thrill-seeking behaviors. (“ In conclusion, I want to say courage comes in many ways. It may be small, and it still helps show courage. Sometimes it is by standing up for people. Other times it is by showing personal courage. What some do not realize is that it does not matter how big or small you show it. So what is courage? Courage is being fearless, brave, and having persistence. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for defining courage, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“ Courageous people need to be able to have no fears, which means to be fearless. Yourself can show fearlessness by standing up for someone. I think that anyone can be fearless. Also anyone can be courageous if you decide to. Fearless also comes in many different ways small and big. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal definition of courage, it does not effectively show the connection between persistence and courage . (“Having persistence is a way to also show courage. Persistence is defined as many things like trying your hardest, going the extra mile. Persistence is kind of a personal way to show courage. You either do really great on a test or achieve a goal. Persistence is a great way to do yourself a favor. ”)

The writer is limited in responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some people might disagree with me and say courage means helping your friend on a test. They might say this because their friend has a bad grade. So I was only helping her not cheating. Well, that isn't showing courage, it is the total different meaning of courage. This is not showing courage! ”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay includes paragraphing but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by asking a question and offering a strong opinion statement. However, a vague statement about “small or big” limits the effectiveness of the introduction. (“ What is courage? Here are some characteristics of ways to show courage. Courage means to be fearless, brave, and to show persistence. You also have to be nice to everyone and show empathy for others. Being courageous can come in many ways whether it be small or big. ”)

The writer uses some transitional devices to illustrate connections between paragraphs. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions that can be used to connect ideas between sentences as well. (“Another way you can show courage is by being brave. Being brave is when you step up. Stepping up for people can be hard, but in return you have shown courage. It also makes that someone feels really good. Stepping up can really make someone feel better about their self. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way but does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, I want to say courage comes in many ways. It may be small, and it still helps show courage. Sometimes it is by standing up for people. Other times it is by showing personal courage. What some do not realize is that it does not matter how big or small you show it. So what is courage? Courage is being fearless, brave, and having persistence. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is limited. He/she demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice but relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Descriptive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer needs to use specific language to convey his/her ideas in order to increase the effectiveness of his/her message. (“Courageous people need to be able to have no fears, which means to be fearless. Yourself can show fearlessness by standing up for someone. I think that anyone can be fearless. Also anyone can be courageous if you decide to. Fearless also comes in many different ways small and big. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive. (“Another way you can show courage is by being brave. Being brave is when you step up. Stepping up for people can be hard, but in return you have shown courage. It also makes that someone feels really good. Stepping up can really make someone feel better about their self. ”)

Sentence variety is limited. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning sentences with the word “persistence.” (“Having persistence is a way to also show courage. Persistence is defined as many things like trying your hardest, going the extra mile. Persistence is kind of a personal way to show courage. You either do really great on a test or achieve a goal. Persistence is a great way to do yourself a favor. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with communication of the writer's message.

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

courage

Courage the define of courage. Is when someone who is willing to take a risk. Like if some one is falling into a hole and a super hero like spiderman saves you thats courage because he toke a risk to save him/her.

You can have courage for many things. For example you can have courage for doing somthing you never done. Like take a risk. lets say you have a soccer game. And your teams loosing and someone comits a fail,It's a penlty kick and your friends going to kick it. But then you tell him let me kick you have to take a risk not just for you but your whole team.because what if you miss it then you'll let your whole team down so you a have to take that risk to make it in.

Another thing of courage. Is what if you don't know how to swim. And you want to know how. But your scared to go in the water. So you have to take the courage to go in and wont drawn. So courage is a good thing so you'll take lots of risk. like those examples i said.

Why is seeking thrills bad? Because if you dont take risk you wont be secsessful in life. So aways take a courage and be risky for better in life. Because if not your going to be scared of alot of thing. And helps with jobs and other stuff.

So always have courage in you so you can better in life. And have a good job so always take risk for anything in life like for soccer and everthing there is to be courage.So be courage.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer makes a minimal attempt at stating a position . The essay reveals a minimal understanding of purpose and audience. Consequently, the writer c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not use sufficient details to support his/her thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ Courage the define of courage. Is when someone who is willing to take a risk. Like if some one is falling into a hole and a super hero like spiderman saves you thats courage because he toke a risk to save him/her. ”)

The essay reveals a minimal understanding of the task and purpose. The essay attempts to define courage, but the writer fails to differentiate between purposeful risk-taking versus thrill-seeking behavior. (“ You can have courage for many things. For example you can have courage for doing somthing you never done. Like take a risk. lets say you have a soccer game. And your teams loosing and someone comits a fail,It's a penlty kick and your friends going to kick it. But then you tell him let me kick you have to take a risk not just for you but your whole team.because what if you miss it then you'll let your whole team down so you a have to take that risk to make it in. ”)

The essay’s focus and intended audience are not clear. The essay focuses on how courage will help an individual be successful in life, instead of presenting an argument on the qualities that contribute to courageous behavior. (“ Why is seeking thrills bad? Because if you dont take risk you wont be secsessful in life. So aways take a courage and be risky for better in life. Because if not your going to be scared of alot of thing. And helps with jobs and other stuff. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development. He/she lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Although the writer presents a brief narrative about fears of failure, he/she fails to connect the explanation with specific qualities of courage. Providing these details would result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position. (“ You can have courage for many things. For example you can have courage for doing somthing you never done. Like take a risk. lets say you have a soccer game. And your teams loosing and someone comits a fail,It's a penlty kick and your friends going to kick it. But then you tell him let me kick you have to take a risk not just for you but your whole team.because what if you miss it then you'll let your whole team down so you a have to take that risk to make it in. ”)

There are minimal details that explain or illustrate the writer’s point of view. (“ Another thing of courage. Is what if you don't know how to swim. And you want to know how. But your scared to go in the water. So you have to take the courage to go in and wont drawn. So courage is a good thing so you'll take lots of risk. like those examples i said. ”)

In presenting a counterargument about thrill-seeking, the writer shows a misunderstanding of the prompt task and uses the term to support his/her own argument instead. No opposing views are presented. (“ Why is seeking thrills bad? Because if you dont take risk you wont be secsessful in life. So aways take a courage and be risky for better in life. Because if not your going to be scared of alot of thing. And helps with jobs and other stuff. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Courage the define of courage. Is when someone who is willing to take a risk. Like if some one is falling into a hole and a super hero like spiderman saves you thats courage because he toke a risk to save him/her. ”)

The essay does not include supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. (“ For example you can have courage for doing somthing you never done. Like take a risk. lets say you have a soccer game. And your teams loosing and someone comits a fail,It's a penlty kick and your friends going to kick it. But then you tell him let me kick you have to take a risk not just for you but your whole team.because what if you miss it then you'll let your whole team down so you a have to take that risk to make it in. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; likewise, it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ So always have courage in you so you can better in life. And have a good job so always take risk for anything in life like for soccer and everthing there is to be courage.So be courage. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the competing views of courage. (“Another thing of courage. Is what if you don't know how to swim. And you want to know how. But your scared to go in the water. So you have to take the courage to go in and wont drawn. So courage is a good thing so you'll take lots of risk. like those examples i said.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs many sentence fragments. (“So aways take a courage and be risky for better in life. Because if not your going to be scared of alot of thing. And helps with jobs and other stuff. ”)

The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases that are used too often with more specific words or phrases. (“lets say you have a soccer game. And your teams loosing and someone comits a fail,It's a penlty kick and your friends going to kick it. But then you tell him let me kick you have to take a risk not just for you but your whole team.because what if you miss it then you'll let your whole team down so you a have to take that risk to make it in.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with communication of the writer's message.

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are sentence fragments, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ So always have courage in you so you can better in life. And have a good job so always take risk for anything in life like for soccer and everthing there is to be courage.So be courage. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

in my opine courage is having the guts to do something most people would not do.It affects your life and every thing in it.Doing something for nothing in return. do it for popularity and the fanfare. And last is for adrenaline.one time this man dodged a bullet and it missed him and the person he saved and the cops came and shot the robber that was courage.another act of courage was rosa parks she stood up for what is right and that takes courage.courage comes in a lot of forms but the main one is saving someomeone.i think pepole who courage are the coolest in my mind.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer makes almost no effort to state an opinion or persuade readers in any way. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The writer fails to address the arguments mentioned in the prompt. Instead of discussing qualities of courage, the essay focuses on reasons a person might carry out a courageous act. (“ Doing something for nothing in return. do it for popularity and the fanfare. And last is for adrenaline. ”)

The essay reveals the writer’s feelings on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers that courage appears in different forms. The writer’s examples do not illustrate the differences between various types of courage. (“ one time this man dodged a bullet and it missed him and the person he saved and the cops came and shot the robber that was courage.another act of courage was rosa parks she stood up for what is right and that takes courage. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience. The writer uses some slang instead of appropriate language. (“ i think pepole who courage are the coolest in my mind. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides inadequate content and development. He/she makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on what constitutes a courageous act. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples for support. The writer lists instances of people who were courageous but does not give sufficient information to show how they were courageous. (“one time this man dodged a bullet and it missed him and the person he saved and the cops came and shot the robber that was courage.another act of courage was rosa parks she stood up for what is right and that takes courage. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas or body paragraphs in the essay. (“in my opine courage is having the guts to do something most people would not do.It affects your life and every thing in it.Doing something for nothing in return. do it for popularity and the fanfare. And last is for adrenaline.one time this man dodged a bullet and it missed him and the person he saved and the cops came and shot the robber that was courage.another act of courage was rosa parks she stood up for what is right and that takes courage.courage comes in a lot of forms but the main one is saving someomeone.i think pepole who courage are the coolest in my mind. ”) Additionally, the essay does not include at least three main ideas for support.

The essay does not include details that acknowledge an opposing viewpoint. (“courage comes in a lot of forms but the main one is saving someomeone.i think pepole who courage are the coolest in my mind. ”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate organization . It demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, the essay shows no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay begins with the thesis statement/controlling idea, but the writer includes no introduction to the topic of the argument. (“ in my opine courage is having the guts to do something most people would not do. ”)

The writer does not use transitions to illustrate connections between his/her ideas. There is no connection between reasons for acting courageous and the examples that follow. (“ Doing something for nothing in return. do it for popularity and the fanfare. And last is for adrenaline.one time this man dodged a bullet and it missed him and the person he saved and the cops came and shot the robber that was courage. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about. (“courage comes in a lot of forms but the main one is saving someomeone.i think pepole who courage are the coolest in my mind.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“one time this man dodged a bullet and it missed him and the person he saved and the cops came and shot the robber that was courage. ”) The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words for effectively describing the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Doing something for nothing in return. do it for popularity and the fanfare. ”)

The writing style is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate persuasive language, his/her voice is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“courage comes in a lot of forms but the main one is saving someomeone. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ another act of courage was rosa parks she stood up for what is right and that takes courage. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

American Victory in the Revolutionary War

How were the American patriots able to claim victory over England in the Revolutionary War?

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you analyze the war and defend your reasons for the colonists' victory. Be sure to cite reliable sources to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

As the American flag is raised today, many people find themselves wondering exactly how this glorious country could have possibly gotten here. Well, it was through war and hardships. It was through disagreement, disappointment, and turmoil. The very fact that we survived the pain we were faced with is the same reason why we stand so strongly today. It all started with our victory over Great Britain in the Revolutionary War. Numerous people wonder and dispute over how exactly they accomplished this monstrous feat. Some say it was simply because they were better than the British, or that the English people just simply gave up. However, to be completely honest, the colonies gained their independence with three simple advantages. The American soldiers-the patriots, as they were commonly referred to- were able to claim triumph over the "redcoats" in the year of 1783 because they had the benefit of home field as well as new ideas to utilize that lead, they had strong and supportive allies, and above all, the American fighters had an undying flame of passion and craving for the word that started the entire war. That word was freedom.

In the beginning of the conflict, things seemed hopeless for the patriots. According to David Fischer, "The British military mustered the greatest military force on earth. General William Howe had 32, 000 men under his command they composed the greatest fleet ever seen in American waters. "With a navy like that, some were convinced that the entire battle was hopeless. Some historians today believe that, had the war been waged on the English turf, the soldiers of the colonies would have been destroyed. Others still say that either way, the Americans would have been blown away had it not been for their allies. However, most have disagreed with that. The American's idea of guerilla warfare "was, to say the least, revolutionary they impressively and effectively used their overgrown, swampy turf to their [full] advantage." Francis Marion-more well known as "Swamp Fox"- was a master at this art and was so successful in dispatching the British soldiers that the movie, "The Patriot," was made in his honor. He has been held responsible for part of the reason why the Americans won the war by many people.

One of the other most important key reasons for the patriots' victory was simply because of their allies. That, coupled with the earlier mentioned home field advantage, proved to make them very strong. According to the article, "France in the American Revolution," the Revolution "was perceived as the incarnation of the Enlightenment Spirit against the "English tyranny, " and the French were very impressed with what the Americans were doing. Coupled with their hatred for Britain, they gave their full support to the colonies; they sent them supplies, troops, and instructors to get their men into shape. Marquis de Lafayette, a French general who suffered alongside the patriots as well as trained them, was particularly influential, and is known to be one of Washington's good friends and trusted ally. They fought many battles together, including the last and final standoff against Cornwallis in Yorktown. Spain also aided America, as well as the Irish and Scottish soldiers. A former German soldier made the men in the army at least "twice as strong." Most people believe that without the help of these nations, this war could not have been won by the patriots. While others say that the Americans could have done it on their own, it is highly unlikely that they could have funded for and fought in such a war without the rest of the world on their side.

Last but not least, the Americans won the war purely by their want and need for equality and freedom. They had such driving passion that it took them to victory against the strongest military in the entire world. Even though they were bigger and better, they still fell short. This scenario is illustrated wonderfully by a popular TV show, otherwise known as "Hetalia." The show personifies the countries as people and explains history through humor, though on occasion it can be serious. One such instance was the scene about the Revolutionary War. England yelled at America, and even charged at him with his bayonet, completely prepared to strike. However, he found himself unable to shoot and collapsed at America's feet in a pathetic heap. The symbolism shows that they could have certainly and easily overpowered the colonies, but they didn't live up to their expectations because the patriots stood their ground. In the end, their fierce determination outnumbered the one, lone redcoat standing in the rain and overwhelmed him. Some people believe the will to fight will never win a war, but according to a war general from Florida, "Fights are not won by weapons and brute force alone, my friend; the only way you'll win a war is if you want to, and if you show them that until you lay stone dead in the dirt." The Americans' want for freedom- from their founding fathers to the simple newspaper editor- was so powerful and influential to the rest of the world that they, too, began to create their own revolutions. They were revolutions that were won for the same reason the patriots won their war. It was because they had the will to. "That's all it takes."

There were many things that lead the American patriots to victory against Great Britain. However, no matter what anyone says, the main reasons that they were able to triumph was not from their experience or the fact that their allies fought the war for them. That's wrong. The American patriots won the war because they knew how to use their own home to their advantage, they had allies that fought with, not for, them, and above all, the power of want and determination powered them through even the toughest, roughest times. The years 1776 through 1783 were not merely just another war. Oh, no. It was the basis for the definition of an American. Thanks to the three mentioned aspects, Americans are known as free.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . He/she establishes and maintains an insightful thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The writer satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with his/her thesis statement. (“As the American flag is raised today, many people find themselves wondering exactly how this glorious country could have possibly gotten here. Well, it was through war and hardships. It was through disagreement, disappointment, and turmoil. The very fact that we survived the pain we were faced with is the same reason why we stand so strongly today. It all started with our victory over Great Britain in the Revolutionary War. Numerous people wonder and dispute over how exactly they accomplished this monstrous feat. Some say it was simply because they were better than the British, or that the English people just simply gave up. However, to be completely honest, the colonies gained their independence with three simple advantages. The American soldiers-the patriots, as they were commonly referred to- were able to claim triumph over the ‘redcoats’ in the year of 1783 because they had the benefit of home field as well as new ideas to utilize that lead, they had strong and supportive allies, and above all, the American fighters had an undying flame of passion and craving for the word that started the entire war. That word was freedom.”)

All of the details support the reasons for American victory in the Revolutionary War. (“One of the other most important key reasons for the patriots' victory was simply because of their allies. That, coupled with the earlier mentioned home field advantage, proved to make them very strong. According to the article, ‘France in the American Revolution,’ the Revolution ‘was perceived as the incarnation of the Enlightenment Spirit against the ‘English tyranny, ‘ and the French were very impressed with what the Americans were doing. Coupled with their hatred for Britain, they gave their full support to the colonies; they sent them supplies, troops, and instructors to get their men into shape.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of arguing his/her stated point of view. (“In the end, their fierce determination outnumbered the one, lone redcoat standing in the rain and overwhelmed him. Some people believe the will to fight will never win a war, but according to a war general from Florida, ‘Fights are not won by weapons and brute force alone, my friend; the only way you'll win a war is if you want to, and if you show them that until you lay stone dead in the dirt.’ The Americans' want for freedom- from their founding fathers to the simple newspaper editor- was so powerful and influential to the rest of the world that they, too, began to create their own revolutions.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing a variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the main reasons for American victory during the Revolutionary War. Additionally, the writer aptly considers some potential opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

The writer considers the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments. (“In the beginning of the conflict, things seemed hopeless for the patriots. According to David Fischer, ‘The British military mustered the greatest military force on earth. General William Howe had 32, 000 men under his command they composed the greatest fleet ever seen in American waters.’ With a navy like that, some were convinced that the entire battle was hopeless. Some historians today believe that, had the war been waged on the English turf, the soldiers of the colonies would have been destroyed. Others still say that either way, the Americans would have been blown away had it not been for their allies. However, most have disagreed with that. The American's idea of guerilla warfare ‘was, to say the least, revolutionary they impressively and effectively used their overgrown, swampy turf to their [full] advantage.’ Francis Marion-more well known as ‘Swamp Fox’- was a master at this art and was so successful in dispatching the British soldiers that the movie, ‘The Patriot,’ was made in his honor. He has been held responsible for part of the reason why the Americans won the war by many people.”)

The writer includes a scenario from a popular TV show to illustrate the Patriots’ strength and resolve during the Revolutionary War. (“Last but not least, the Americans won the war purely by their want and need for equality and freedom. They had such driving passion that it took them to victory against the strongest military in the entire world. Even though they were bigger and better, they still fell short. This scenario is illustrated wonderfully by a popular TV show, otherwise known as ‘Hetalia.’ The show personifies the countries as people and explains history through humor, though on occasion it can be serious. One such instance was the scene about the Revolutionary War. England yelled at America, and even charged at him with his bayonet, completely prepared to strike. However, he found himself unable to shoot and collapsed at America's feet in a pathetic heap. The symbolism shows that they could have certainly and easily overpowered the colonies, but they didn't live up to their expectations because the patriots stood their ground.”)

Many of the writer’s details emphasize the desire for freedom that drove the Patriots to victory. (“The Americans' want for freedom- from their founding fathers to the simple newspaper editor- was so powerful and influential to the rest of the world that they, too, began to create their own revolutions. They were revolutions that were won for the same reason the patriots won their war. It was because they had the will to. ‘That's all it takes.’”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and captures the readers’ attention. (“As the American flag is raised today, many people find themselves wondering exactly how this glorious country could have possibly gotten here. Well, it was through war and hardships. It was through disagreement, disappointment, and turmoil. The very fact that we survived the pain we were faced with is the same reason why we stand so strongly today. It all started with our victory over Great Britain in the Revolutionary War. Numerous people wonder and dispute over how exactly they accomplished this monstrous feat. Some say it was simply because they were better than the British, or that the English people just simply gave up. However, to be completely honest, the colonies gained their independence with three simple advantages. The American soldiers-the patriots, as they were commonly referred to- were able to claim triumph over the ‘redcoats’ in the year of 1783 because they had the benefit of home field as well as new ideas to utilize that lead, they had strong and supportive allies, and above all, the American fighters had an undying flame of passion and craving for the word that started the entire war. That word was freedom.”)

The writer uses transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Last but not least, the Americans won the war purely by their want and need for equality and freedom. They had such driving passion that it took them to victory against the strongest military in the entire world. Even though they were bigger and better, they still fell short. This scenario is illustrated wonderfully by a popular TV show, otherwise known as ‘Hetalia.’ The show personifies the countries as people and explains history through humor, though on occasion it can be serious. One such instance was the scene about the Revolutionary War. England yelled at America, and even charged at him with his bayonet, completely prepared to strike. However, he found himself unable to shoot and collapsed at America's feet in a pathetic heap.”)

The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“There were many things that lead the American patriots to victory against Great Britain. However, no matter what anyone says, the main reasons that they were able to triumph was not from their experience or the fact that their allies fought the war for them. That's wrong. The American patriots won the war because they knew how to use their own home to their advantage, they had allies that fought with, not for, them, and above all, the power of want and determination powered them through even the toughest, roughest times. The years 1776 through 1783 were not merely just another war. Oh, no. It was the basis for the definition of an American. Thanks to the three mentioned aspects, Americans are known as free.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s word choices establish a strong voice and style in the essay. (“As the American flag is raised today, many people find themselves wondering exactly how this glorious country could have possibly gotten here. Well, it was through war and hardships. It was through disagreement, disappointment, and turmoil. The very fact that we survived the pain we were faced with is the same reason why we stand so strongly today. It all started with our victory over Great Britain in the Revolutionary War. Numerous people wonder and dispute over how exactly they accomplished this monstrous feat. Some say it was simply because they were better than the British, or that the English people just simply gave up. However, to be completely honest, the colonies gained their independence with three simple advantages.”)

The writer creates varied sentences that add to the effectiveness of the overall response. (“Coupled with their hatred for Britain, they gave their full support to the colonies; they sent them supplies, troops, and instructors to get their men into shape. Marquis de Lafayette, a French general who suffered alongside the patriots as well as trained them, was particularly influential, and is known to be one of Washington's good friends and trusted ally. They fought many battles together, including the last and final standoff against Cornwallis in Yorktown. Spain also aided America, as well as the Irish and Scottish soldiers. A former German soldier made the men in the army at least ‘twice as strong.’ Most people believe that without the help of these nations, this war could not have been won by the patriots.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“England yelled at America, and even charged at him with his bayonet, completely prepared to strike. However, he found himself unable to shoot and collapsed at America's feet in a pathetic heap. The symbolism shows that they could have certainly and easily overpowered the colonies, but they didn't live up to their expectations because the patriots stood their ground. In the end, their fierce determination outnumbered the one, lone redcoat standing in the rain and overwhelmed him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay contains very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Marquis de Lafayette, a French general who suffered alongside the patriots as well as trained them, was particularly influential, and is known to be one of Washington's good friends and trusted ally. They fought many battles together, including the last and final standoff against Cornwallis in Yorktown. Spain also aided America, as well as the Irish and Scottish soldiers.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Why They Cry Victory

The Revolutionary War was not a simple thing. Some think it was a straightforward, cut-and-dried, good-beats-bad, tyrant-toppling revolution. It was, in fact, a great deal more complex than that. There were only a few small factors that allowed the colonists to gain victory. The most major among these were their allies the French, Spanish, and Dutch, their motivation, and their smarts. Although there were many factors that allowed the colonists to win the Revolutionary War, several were definitely the most significant.

Despite common belief, the colonists did not win alone. The British Empire had no shortage of enemies, and many helped the rebels. Foremost among them were the French, but the Spanish and the Dutch played a big part too. The French provided the most visual support, sending weapons and ammunition to shoot the English. Their soldiers were on the forefront of battle, later in the war, and made a big impression. Their flashy uniforms and military discipline helped motivate the colonists and made them feel important. The Spanish were less noticed, but just as important. They sent money and supplies to feed and clothe the Continental Army. This increased morale exponentially, which proved critical. An army does march on its stomach, after all. Few even noticed that the Dutch helped, though their help may have been the most vital. With many merchants and traders, they were master sailors and good at navigating past obstacles, like the British navy. As a result of this, they were the ones who took the supplies and troops to the Americans. Without them, very little would have been accomplished by the Europeans, as they had no hope of matching the magnificent British navy. With the help of these nations, the rebels had a chance and took it.

The colonists were immensely motivated, and for good reason. They had far greater ideals than the British, and good incentive to act. Among their reasons were property, freedom, and their very lives. Also helping the Americans along were fantastic incentives, such as taxes, the intolerable acts, and Lexington and Concord. These incredibly important reasons made them fight until the last breath, they would never give up. The glue that held them together was so strong that even when, by the rules of war, they were beaten, they kept fighting. British soldiers had nothing to match it. It is nearly impossible to beat an enemy that refuses to see that it is beaten, and then comes back. For this reason, they were able to pull through the hard first days of the war and outlast the British.

Despite all the other things that helped achieve victory, the deciding factor, in the end, was smarts. Even with all the help they received, the colonists probably still could not have won if not for their amazing brains. When the army was disease-ridden, ridiculously outnumbered, or just plain outmatched, they would pull something surprising and save the day. Furthermore, they were not afraid to cheat. These two things together, though a deadly combination, were made even better by the new weapons invented by the Americans. One example, and one that earned them the most hate, was shooting important officers. Important British officers were identified by the amount of metal they wore, something they did not seem to realize. Guerrilla warfare was invented, and worked wonders. The few times they fought head-to-head usually did not end well for the Americans. Vital to these new strategies was a new type of soldier, the sharpshooter. They used rifles to gain far greater accuracy, and woodlands training to make sure they were never seen until it was too late. The combination of these incredibly smart tactics and inventions allowed the colonist the edge they needed in order to trump the British.

In conclusion, the American Revolution was never won simply. The Americans had many things helping them, specifically, allies, motivation, and smarts. Many things gave colonists victory; among them, several great things that helped win the war and found this nation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains his/her thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer engages the readers with an appealing introduction. (“The Revolutionary War was not a simple thing. Some think it was a straightforward, cut-and-dried, good-beats-bad, tyrant-toppling revolution. It was, in fact, a great deal more complex than that. There were only a few small factors that allowed the colonists to gain victory. The most major among these were their allies the French, Spanish, and Dutch, their motivation, and their smarts. Although there were many factors that allowed the colonists to win the Revolutionary War, several were definitely the most significant. ”)

The writer focuses on supporting the reasons for American victory in the Revolutionary War using specific and relevant details. (“One example, and one that earned them the most hate, was shooting important officers. Important British officers were identified by the amount of metal they wore, something they did not seem to realize. Guerrilla warfare was invented, and worked wonders. The few times they fought head-to-head usually did not end well for the Americans. Vital to these new strategies was a new type of soldier, the sharpshooter. They used rifles to gain far greater accuracy, and woodlands training to make sure they were never seen until it was too late. The combination of these incredibly smart tactics and inventions allowed the colonist the edge they needed in order to trump the British. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“The colonists were immensely motivated, and for good reason. They had far greater ideals than the British, and good incentive to act. Among their reasons were property, freedom, and their very lives. Also helping the Americans along were fantastic incentives, such as taxes, the intolerable acts, and Lexington and Concord. These incredibly important reasons made them fight until the last breath, they would never give up. The glue that held them together was so strong that even when, by the rules of war, they were beaten, they kept fighting. British soldiers had nothing to match it. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective development of ideas in the essay. He/she develops arguments using specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer considers additional viewpoints.

The writer considers potential opposing ideas on the reasons for American victory in the Revolutionary War. (“An army does march on its stomach, after all. Few even noticed that the Dutch helped, though their help may have been the most vital. With many merchants and traders, they were master sailors and good at navigating past obstacles, like the British navy. As a result of this, they were the ones who took the supplies and troops to the Americans. Without them, very little would have been accomplished by the Europeans, as they had no hope of matching the magnificent British navy. With the help of these nations, the rebels had a chance and took it.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“The British Empire had no shortage of enemies, and many helped the rebels. Foremost among them were the French, but the Spanish and the Dutch played a big part too. The French provided the most visual support, sending weapons and ammunition to shoot the English. Their soldiers were on the forefront of battle, later in the war, and made a big impression. Their flashy uniforms and military discipline helped motivate the colonists and made them feel important. The Spanish were less noticed, but just as important. ”)

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well balanced. (“They had far greater ideals than the British, and good incentive to act. Among their reasons were property, freedom, and their very lives. Also helping the Americans along were fantastic incentives, such as taxes, the intolerable acts, and Lexington and Concord. These incredibly important reasons made them fight until the last breath, they would never give up. The glue that held them together was so strong that even when, by the rules of war, they were beaten, they kept fighting. British soldiers had nothing to match it. It is nearly impossible to beat an enemy that refuses to see that it is beaten, and then comes back. For this reason, they were able to pull through the hard first days of the war and outlast the British. ”)

Organization

The essay provides a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions that keep the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer asserts his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“The Revolutionary War was not a simple thing. Some think it was a straightforward, cut-and-dried, good-beats-bad, tyrant-toppling revolution. It was, in fact, a great deal more complex than that. There were only a few small factors that allowed the colonists to gain victory. The most major among these were their allies the French, Spanish, and Dutch, their motivation, and their smarts. Although there were many factors that allowed the colonists to win the Revolutionary War, several were definitely the most significant. ”)

Subtle transitional phrases help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Despite all the other things that helped achieve victory, the deciding factor, in the end, was smarts. Even with all the help they received, the colonists probably still could not have won if not for their amazing brains. When the army was disease-ridden, ridiculously outnumbered, or just plain outmatched, they would pull something surprising and save the day. Furthermore, they were not afraid to cheat. These two things together, though a deadly combination, were made even better by the new weapons invented by the Americans. ”)

The writer’s conclusion is too brief and neglects to effectively summarize the argument and leave the readers with something to think about. The writer should consider adding more details to give the readers a stronger sense of closure. (“In conclusion, the American Revolution was never won simply. The Americans had many things helping them, specifically, allies, motivation, and smarts. Many things gave colonists victory; among them, several great things that helped win the war and found this nation. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses fine language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“Despite common belief, the colonists did not win alone. The British Empire had no shortage of enemies, and many helped the rebels. Foremost among them were the French, but the Spanish and the Dutch played a big part too. The French provided the most visual support, sending weapons and ammunition to shoot the English. Their soldiers were on the forefront of battle, later in the war, and made a big impression. Their flashy uniforms and military discipline helped motivate the colonists and made them feel important. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“The few times they fought head-to-head usually did not end well for the Americans. Vital to these new strategies was a new type of soldier, the sharpshooter. They used rifles to gain far greater accuracy, and woodlands training to make sure they were never seen until it was too late. The combination of these incredibly smart tactics and inventions allowed the colonist the edge they needed in order to trump the British. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s viewpoint. (“The colonists were immensely motivated, and for good reason. They had far greater ideals than the British, and good incentive to act. Among their reasons were property, freedom, and their very lives. Also helping the Americans along were fantastic incentives, such as taxes, the intolerable acts, and Lexington and Concord. These incredibly important reasons made them fight until the last breath, they would never give up. The glue that held them together was so strong that even when, by the rules of war, they were beaten, they kept fighting. ”) The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“When the army was disease-ridden, ridiculously outnumbered, or just plain outmatched, they would pull something surprising and save the day. Furthermore, they were not afraid to cheat. These two things together, though a deadly combination, were made even better by the new weapons invented by the Americans. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

A roar of victory rose up from the American soldiers. The colonists had just done the impossible. They had defeated the so-called indestructible army. There are many factors that helped the colonists win this war. One of them was their battle strategy. The Patriots had implied the guerrilla strategy of fighting. Guerrilla warfare was the main reason the Americans conquered the British. Guerrilla warfare is one of the safest types of warfare. It is a hit-and-run type of strategy. About a hundred colonists would wait silently along British pathways. When the British would march by they would fire. Instead of reloading, the colonists would retreat so that by the time the British had regrouped, the Patriots were long gone. Guerrilla warfare was also an easy way to kill British officials.

Americans would often try to take out British military leaders. To do this they would have to get through the British army. So they used guerrilla warfare instead of fighting the soldiers head-on. They would set up an ambush for the British. The best shooter on the legion would find a hiding spot with a clear shot at the pathway. Then when the British would march by, the sharpshooter would wait for a shot that could mean only death. Then he would fire and hit the leader. Once his shot was fired, it was a signal for the other troops to fire as well. Then the British would in confusion without a leader making them sitting ducks. Although some might say that guerrilla warfare is too unorganized and could be dangerous, this is untrue.

Despite what is seems, guerrilla warfare is actually fairly organized. The location of the ambush is very carefully and strategically chosen. The ideal location is an area with few trees but sufficient amounts of underbrush. The men are put in position according to size, speed, and shot accuracy, as well as location. So, the bigger and more accurate men would be placed towards the back, so they would have a head start to retreat. Another argument could be, "What if the British chased after the Patriot. Their guns wouldn't be loaded so the British could easily kill them. "Well, the British probably did sometimes chase them.

The Americans had advantages though. They knew the land a lot better than the British. So the British soldiers risked the major possibility of becoming lost. If they became lost this could mean starvation. Another advantage was that the Americans had a lighter load. All they had to carry was their gun, gunpowder, some gun primer, and sometimes a canteen. While the British had their man purses, guns, gunpowder, some gun primer, extra clothing, boots, and heavy coats. This was a heavy load which slowed the British down giving the Americans enough time to escape.

Safety, organization, and victory are the most important elements in a war. Guerrilla warfare enables all of these to occur while still killing the enemy. Guerrilla was very effective in the Revolutionary War and is still used today. This strategy helped the Americans win the Revolutionary War and the many wars to follow.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a thesis statement about the main reason for the American victory in the Revolutionary War and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. Many parts of the prompt task are satisfied.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“The Patriots had implied the guerrilla strategy of fighting. Guerrilla warfare was the main reason the Americans conquered the British. Guerrilla warfare is one of the safest types of warfare. It is a hit-and-run type of strategy. About a hundred colonists would wait silently along British pathways. When the British would march by they would fire. Instead of reloading, the colonists would retreat so that by the time the British had regrouped, the Patriots were long gone. Guerrilla warfare was also an easy way to kill British officials.”)

Most of the details included in the essay relate to the writer’s assertion that guerilla warfare secured the Patriots’ victory in the Revolutionary War. (“Despite what is seems, guerrilla warfare is actually fairly organized. The location of the ambush is very carefully and strategically chosen. The ideal location is an area with few trees but sufficient amounts of underbrush. The men are put in position according to size, speed, and shot accuracy, as well as location. So, the bigger and more accurate men would be placed towards the back, so they would have a head start to retreat. Another argument could be, ‘What if the British chased after the Patriot. Their guns wouldn't be loaded so the British could easily kill them.’ Well, the British probably did sometimes chase them.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Guerrilla warfare is one of the safest types of warfare. It is a hit-and-run type of strategy. About a hundred colonists would wait silently along British pathways. When the British would march by they would fire. Instead of reloading, the colonists would retreat so that by the time the British had regrouped, the Patriots were long gone. Guerrilla warfare was also an easy way to kill British officials. Americans would often try to take out British military leaders. To do this they would have to get through the British army. So they used guerrilla warfare instead of fighting the soldiers head-on. They would set up an ambush for the British.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the writer’s ideas in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument that the use of guerilla warfare was the main reason for an American victory in the Revolutionary War. (“Americans would often try to take out British military leaders. To do this they would have to get through the British army. So they used guerrilla warfare instead of fighting the soldiers head-on. They would set up an ambush for the British. The best shooter on the legion would find a hiding spot with a clear shot at the pathway. Then when the British would march by, the sharpshooter would wait for a shot that could mean only death. Then he would fire and hit the leader. Once his shot was fired, it was a signal for the other troops to fire as well.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The Americans had advantages though. They knew the land a lot better than the British. So the British soldiers risked the major possibility of becoming lost. If they became lost this could mean starvation. Another advantage was that the Americans had a lighter load. All they had to carry was their gun, gunpowder, some gun primer, and sometimes a canteen. While the British had their man purses, guns, gunpowder, some gun primer, extra clothing, boots, and heavy coats. This was a heavy load which slowed the British down giving the Americans enough time to escape.”)

The writer briefly addresses a possible counterargument for the use of guerilla warfare during the Revolutionary War. A solid persuasive argument always addresses potential counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content for opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to create a more well-rounded argument. (“Although some might say that guerrilla warfare is too unorganized and could be dangerous, this is untrue. Despite what is seems, guerrilla warfare is actually fairly organized. The location of the ambush is very carefully and strategically chosen. The ideal location is an area with few trees but sufficient amounts of underbrush. The men are put in position according to size, speed, and shot accuracy, as well as location. So, the bigger and more accurate men would be placed towards the back, so they would have a head start to retreat. Another argument could be, ‘What if the British chased after the Patriot. Their guns wouldn't be loaded so the British could easily kill them.’ Well, the British probably did sometimes chase them.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, and overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer includes a descriptive scenario in the introduction to draw the readers into the essay. (“A roar of victory rose up from the American soldiers. The colonists had just done the impossible. They had defeated the so-called indestructible army. There are many factors that helped the colonists win this war. One of them was their battle strategy. The Patriots had implied the guerrilla strategy of fighting. Guerrilla warfare was the main reason the Americans conquered the British. Guerrilla warfare is one of the safest types of warfare.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to assist with the flow and sequence of ideas presented in the essay. (“Americans would often try to take out British military leaders. To do this they would have to get through the British army. So they used guerrilla warfare instead of fighting the soldiers head-on. They would set up an ambush for the British. The best shooter on the legion would find a hiding spot with a clear shot at the pathway. Then when the British would march by, the sharpshooter would wait for a shot that could mean only death. Then he would fire and hit the leader. Once his shot was fired, it was a signal for the other troops to fire as well.”)

The writer’s conclusion, although brief, adequately summarizes his/her argument. (“Safety, organization, and victory are the most important elements in a war. Guerrilla warfare enables all of these to occur while still killing the enemy. Guerrilla was very effective in the Revolutionary War and is still used today. This strategy helped the Americans win the Revolutionary War and the many wars to follow.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. He/she reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Safety, organization, and victory are the most important elements in a war. Guerrilla warfare enables all of these to occur while still killing the enemy. Guerrilla was very effective in the Revolutionary War and is still used today. This strategy helped the Americans win the Revolutionary War and the many wars to follow.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“There are many factors that helped the colonists win this war. One of them was their battle strategy. The Patriots had implied the guerrilla strategy of fighting. Guerrilla warfare was the main reason the Americans conquered the British. Guerrilla warfare is one of the safest types of warfare. It is a hit-and-run type of strategy. About a hundred colonists would wait silently along British pathways. When the British would march by they would fire. Instead of reloading, the colonists would retreat so that by the time the British had regrouped, the Patriots were long gone. Guerrilla warfare was also an easy way to kill British officials.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Despite what is seems, guerrilla warfare is actually fairly organized. The location of the ambush is very carefully and strategically chosen. The ideal location is an area with few trees but sufficient amounts of underbrush. The men are put in position according to size, speed, and shot accuracy, as well as location. So, the bigger and more accurate men would be placed towards the back, so they would have a head start to retreat.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“About a hundred colonists would wait silently along British pathways. When the British would march by they would fire. Instead of reloading, the colonists would retreat so that by the time the British had regrouped, the Patriots were long gone. Guerrilla warfare was also an easy way to kill British officials. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Revolutionary War was a fight between the American Colonist and England. Going into this war the British where the top dogs as far as their military power and sheer numbers of their military. The thing is that the British where fighting away from home and the Americans where fighting in their back yard. Also the Americans had something to fight for. There were many reasons this war was to begin but I think that it was started by a select few events.

What a lot of people don't really know about the Revolutionary War is that the British where at a real disadvantage. Now the British did have the larger army but this means that they had to have more food and resources. The Americans where at home so they had all of their resources right there on hand, the British had to wait months for boats to travel and give them their supplies. These things could include food, cloths, and medicine. Americans on the other hand, the colonist had the woman at home cooking them hot meals and doing the cleaning. The British women where at home probably wondering when there spouses would be home.

Not only did the British have the better army already anyways they had hired about 20, 000 Russian men to fight as well. These where highly trained men that would get off the boats onto the land that would jump through trees and where very agile. This would also be the other disadvantage of England being that geologically they couldn't cover the Eastern side of the continent because there wasn't enough boats in the world to do that, so anytime American Wanted to they could easily sneak around behind the British and sink the ships just as easy as a few cannon shots to each of the boats.

Yet another disadvantage that the British had was that the Americans did not have uniforms. This means that they would blend in very well in the general population. The British didn't want to kill citizens so they really would just have to wait to be ambushed by the Americans in their "disguises".

These are they reasons the Americans have won the Revolutionary War. Hands down everyone thought that England should have won but the Americans have pulled threw and won fair and square.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states a thesis for the reasons for American victory in the Revolutionary War but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“The Revolutionary War was a fight between the American Colonist and England. Going into this war the British where the top dogs as far as their military power and sheer numbers of their military. The thing is that the British where fighting away from home and the Americans where fighting in their back yard. Also the Americans had something to fight for.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s stance on the reasons for the colonists’ victory. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support his/her position, but he/she does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“What a lot of people don't really know about the Revolutionary War is that the British where at a real disadvantage. Now the British did have the larger army but this means that they had to have more food and resources. The Americans where at home so they had all of their resources right there on hand, the British had to wait months for boats to travel and give them their supplies. These things could include food, cloths, and medicine. ”)

The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. He/she does not clearly attempt to address the readers’ potential counter viewpoints. (“Not only did the British have the better army already anyways they had hired about 20, 000 Russian men to fight as well. These where highly trained men that would get off the boats onto the land that would jump through trees and where very agile.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the reasons for American victory in the Revolutionary War. The writer is limited in addressing the readers' opposing viewpoints. He/she does not clearly integrate identifiable counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“Not only did the British have the better army already anyways they had hired about 20, 000 Russian men to fight as well. These where highly trained men that would get off the boats onto the land that would jump through trees and where very agile. This would also be the other disadvantage of England being that geologically they couldn't cover the Eastern side of the continent because there wasn't enough boats in the world to do that, so anytime American Wanted to they could easily sneak around behind the British and sink the ships just as easy as a few cannon shots to each of the boats. ”)

The writer includes historical anecdotes that attempt to illustrate some of the reasons American victory was assured during the Revolutionary War. (“Now the British did have the larger army but this means that they had to have more food and resources. The Americans where at home so they had all of their resources right there on hand, the British had to wait months for boats to travel and give them their supplies. These things could include food, cloths, and medicine. Americans on the other hand, the colonist had the woman at home cooking them hot meals and doing the cleaning. The British women where at home probably wondering when there spouses would be home. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for the reasons for American victory during the Revolutionary War, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“Yet another disadvantage that the British had was that the Americans did not have uniforms. This means that they would blend in very well in the general population. The British didn't want to kill citizens so they really would just have to wait to be ambushed by the Americans in their ‘disguises’.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The writer uses paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by offering background information that directly leads to his/her position on the reasons for American victory in the Revolutionary War. (“The Revolutionary War was a fight between the American Colonist and England. Going into this war the British where the top dogs as far as their military power and sheer numbers of their military. The thing is that the British where fighting away from home and the Americans where fighting in their back yard. Also the Americans had something to fight for. There were many reasons this war was to begin but I think that it was started by a select few events.”)

Transitions are not included within paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“What a lot of people don't really know about the Revolutionary War is that the British where at a real disadvantage. Now the British did have the larger army but this means that they had to have more food and resources. The Americans where at home so they had all of their resources right there on hand, the British had to wait months for boats to travel and give them their supplies. These things could include food, cloths, and medicine. Americans on the other hand, the colonist had the woman at home cooking them hot meals and doing the cleaning. The British women where at home probably wondering when there spouses would be home. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. (“These are they reasons the Americans have won the Revolutionary War. Hands down everyone thought that England should have won but the Americans have pulled threw and won fair and square.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and some attempt at sentence variety but relies on simple language and word choices.

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“This would also be the other disadvantage of England being that geologically they couldn't cover the Eastern side of the continent because there wasn't enough boats in the world to do that, so anytime American Wanted to they could easily sneak around behind the British and sink the ships just as easy as a few cannon shots to each of the boats. ”)

The writer uses many words incorrectly, which can affect meaning. (“What a lot of people don't really know about the Revolutionary War is that the British where at a real disadvantage. Now the British did have the larger army but this means that they had to have more food and resources. The Americans where at home so they had all of their resources right there on hand, the British had to wait months for boats to travel and give them their supplies. These things could include food, cloths, and medicine. ”)

The writer attempts to provide sentence variety. (“The Revolutionary War was a fight between the American Colonist and England. Going into this war the British where the top dogs as far as their military power and sheer numbers of their military. The thing is that the British where fighting away from home and the Americans where fighting in their back yard. Also the Americans had something to fight for. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“What a lot of people don't really know about the Revolutionary War is that the British where at a real disadvantage. Now the British did have the larger army but this means that they had to have more food and resources. The Americans where at home so they had all of their resources right there on hand, the British had to wait months for boats to travel and give them their supplies. These things could include food, cloths, and medicine. Americans on the other hand, the colonist had the woman at home cooking them hot meals and doing the cleaning. The British women where at home probably wondering when there spouses would be home.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The colinist won because they were ready. Brithish comander William Howe gathers up troops at Staten Island. Keep in mind that Howe had thirthy-four thousand well trained troops and ten thousand navy people with ships. And Washington had twenty thousand poorly trained troops with no navy at all what so ever. They weren't good at all so basicly Howe had an advantage over Washington already.

Nathan Hale was sent to spy on the Brithish, to see what their plans were. Nathan was a connecticuit officer. But the british people caught him and was hunged for death.

Back in the days african americans had to fight in the war. No matter what . Some slaved africans became freed because the british offered them freedom if they deserrted and joined them. While the men were fighting women worked on the farm and took over thier husbands bisnuess for a while and did whatever they needed to do. That their husbands couldnt do. After the war there was no money to pay for anything because they had spent it all. Even the war was difficult to pay for, for them. The native americans had to split up and take sides. Although they didnt want to they had no choice but to. Some natives sided with British. And the americans needed help from the spainish people.

1778 british went South to try and capture cites, and win over the local population. The britihs comes up with better plans and all of a sudden start winning all there battles. Even some americans decided to join the british. In 17880 patriots fortune started to improve nine hundred frontier fighters to defeat a larger force of British troops.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she minimally states a position or argues the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not contain a clearly defined thesis about the issue. (“The colinist won because they were ready. Brithish comander William Howe gathers up troops at Staten Island. Keep in mind that Howe had thirthy-four thousand well trained troops and ten thousand navy people with ships. And Washington had twenty thousand poorly trained troops with no navy at all what so ever. They weren't good at all so basicly Howe had an advantage over Washington already.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“The britihs comes up with better plans and all of a sudden start winning all there battles. Even some americans decided to join the british.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“While the men were fighting women worked on the farm and took over thier husbands bisnuess for a while and did whatever they needed to do. That their husbands couldnt do. After the war there was no money to pay for anything because they had spent it all.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position on the reasons for American victory in the Revolutionary War. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s position/thesis statement. (“Back in the days african americans had to fight in the war. No matter what . Some slaved africans became freed because the british offered them freedom if they deserrted and joined them. While the men were fighting women worked on the farm and took over thier husbands bisnuess for a while and did whatever they needed to do. That their husbands couldnt do. After the war there was no money to pay for anything because they had spent it all.”)

The writer neglects to address potential counterarguments in the essay. (“After the war there was no money to pay for anything because they had spent it all. Even the war was difficult to pay for, for them. The native americans had to split up and take sides. Although they didnt want to they had no choice but to. Some natives sided with British. And the americans needed help from the spainish people.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer delivers a minimal response that does not fully address the requirements of the prompt task. (“Nathan Hale was sent to spy on the Brithish, to see what their plans were. Nathan was a connecticuit officer. But the british people caught him and was hunged for death. Back in the days african americans had to fight in the war. No matter what . Some slaved africans became freed because the british offered them freedom if they deserrted and joined them.”)

Organization

The writer employs minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices in the essay.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“The colinist won because they were ready. Brithish comander William Howe gathers up troops at Staten Island. Keep in mind that Howe had thirthy-four thousand well trained troops and ten thousand navy people with ships. And Washington had twenty thousand poorly trained troops with no navy at all what so ever. They weren't good at all so basicly Howe had an advantage over Washington already.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect his/her stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included within paragraphs or between sentences. (“Back in the days african americans had to fight in the war. No matter what . Some slaved africans became freed because the british offered them freedom if they deserrted and joined them. While the men were fighting women worked on the farm and took over thier husbands bisnuess for a while and did whatever they needed to do. That their husbands couldnt do. After the war there was no money to pay for anything because they had spent it all. Even the war was difficult to pay for, for them.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. The conclusion does not leave the readers with something to think about and it does not give them a sense of closure. (“1778 british went South to try and capture cites, and win over the local population. The britihs comes up with better plans and all of a sudden start winning all there battles. Even some americans decided to join the british. In 17880 patriots fortune started to improve nine hundred frontier fighters to defeat a larger force of British troops.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Word choices are very basic and repetitive at times. (“After the war there was no money to pay for anything because they had spent it all. Even the war was difficult to pay for, for them. The native americans had to split up and take sides. Although they didnt want to they had no choice but to. Some natives sided with British. And the americans needed help from the spainish people.”)

Sentences in the essay are short and choppy in many portions of the essay; overall, they are not well structured. (“Nathan Hale was sent to spy on the Brithish, to see what their plans were. Nathan was a connecticuit officer. But the british people caught him and was hunged for death.”)

There are syntax issues that affect meaning. (“Back in the days african americans had to fight in the war. No matter what . Some slaved africans became freed because the british offered them freedom if they deserrted and joined them. While the men were fighting women worked on the farm and took over thier husbands bisnuess for a while and did whatever they needed to do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The writer commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not contain appropriate punctuation and capitalization, there are several errors in subject-verb agreement, there are run-on sentences, and many words are spelled incorrectly. (“While the men were fighting women worked on the farm and took over thier husbands bisnuess for a while and did whatever they needed to do. That their husbands couldnt do.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Because the American Patriots knew there town very well and because they knew there colonise very well so they knew were to hide and especoly there colonies where small so the British started shooting at the American Patriots . And after the British was shooting they scared theme away from the battle field. And after that they scared theme away the American Patriots came back with a even biger group of pepole. And when the British sow all the American Patriots they ran away and then the American Patriots went runing toward them and they started shoting at them whene they wear runing when all of this

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating a thesis, and little effort is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance in a very vague way, and it does not contain detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer merely focuses on how the British tried to scare the Americans away. (“Because the American Patriots knew there town very well and because they knew there colonise very well so they knew were to hide and especoly there colonies where small so the British started shooting at the American Patriots . And after the British was shooting they scared theme away from the battle field.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not use appropriate language. (“And after the British was shooting they scared theme away from the battle field. And after that they scared theme away the American Patriots came back with a even biger group of pepole.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Because the American Patriots knew there town very well and because they knew there colonise very well so they knew were to hide and especoly there colonies where small so the British started shooting at the American Patriots .”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of the reasons for the American victory in the Revolutionary War. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not contain details to support the stated opinion. (“And after the British was shooting they scared theme away from the battle field. And after that they scared theme away the American Patriots came back with a even biger group of pepole. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to address opposing viewpoints and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“And when the British sow all the American Patriots they ran away and then the American Patriots went runing toward them and they started shoting at them whene they wear runing when all of this”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“Because the American Patriots knew there town very well and because they knew there colonise very well so they knew were to hide and especoly there colonies where small so the British started shooting at the American Patriots . And after the British was shooting they scared theme away from the battle field. And after that they scared theme away the American Patriots came back with a even biger group of pepole. And when the British sow all the American Patriots they ran away and then the American Patriots went runing toward them and they started shoting at them whene they wear runing when all of this ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate . The essay demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices used in the essay.

The writer does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Because the American Patriots knew there town very well and because they knew there colonise very well so they knew were to hide and especoly there colonies where small so the British started shooting at the American Patriots .”)

Transitional words are not used to create connections between ideas in the essay. (“And after the British was shooting they scared theme away from the battle field. And after that they scared theme away the American Patriots came back with a even biger group of pepole.”)

The writer does not provide a strong conclusion that restates the argument or leaves the readers with something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“And when the British sow all the American Patriots they ran away and then the American Patriots went runing toward them and they started shoting at them whene they wear runing when all of this”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not contain descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the thesis statement effectively. (“Because the American Patriots knew there town very well and because they knew there colonise very well so they knew were to hide and especoly there colonies where small so the British started shooting at the American Patriots . ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“And when the British sow all the American Patriots they ran away and then the American Patriots went runing toward them and they started shoting at them whene they wear runing when all of this ”)

The style of the writing is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to present a balanced argument on the issue of the reasons for American victory during the Revolutionary War, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“And after the British was shooting they scared theme away from the battle field. And after that they scared theme away the American Patriots came back with a even biger group of pepole. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is correct. (“And after the British was shooting they scared theme away from the battle field. And after that they scared theme away the American Patriots came back with a even biger group of pepole.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

An Electronic Tablet Device for Each Student?

Over the past decade, access to technology has flourished. As a result, popular personal electronic tablet devices are now seen as useful educational tools. In a multi-paragraph argumentative essay, construct a response that states and supports your position on schools purchasing an electronic tablet device for each student to use in the classroom and at home.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Imagine a world where every student, at every school, has their own school-only tablet. Filled to the brim with educational apps, the tablets are supposedly used to further the students' education and help them engage in the learning experience. The students use the apps in class, and then bring their tablets home to work on their homework. Once arriving at home, however, the students begin to do something very different than what they had been diligently working on at school. Because of the tablets' lack of blocking services, some students will immediately port social media and other non-educational applications onto their tablets, and use them for their own leisure. In the end, the tablets end up doing more to distract the students than to help them. Schools are moving towards giving every student their own tablet, but I believe that this is a misguided and backwards notion. Each student should not have their own tablet because of the potential for distraction, huge cost with little reward, and availability of superior and cheaper devices.

The first reason that schools shouldn't provide every student with their own tablet is because of the potential for distraction. In today's high-tech media world, studies have shown that the majority of students cannot resist distractions for two minutes (NBC News Study). In order to successfully do their homework, the easily-distracted technological generation must avoid all distractions as best as they can. Providing students with tablets does nothing to alleviate this problem, and in fact simply makes it worse. To further increase potential distractions a tablet can provide, most tablet download filters and web filters can be easily bypassed, as shown by the multitude of hacker-made Youtube videos on the subject. This essentially means that schools are spending a fortune on providing students with the tools to distract themselves even further. Giving out tablets would end up harming student grades and participation instead of helping it. This drains financial resources from schools that would be much better spent on other solutions.

Second of all, tablets come at a very large cost. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, the average California high school has just short of 1000 students. Tablets range from around $100 to $500 each; buying a tablet for every student costs upwards of $100,000. This is a preposterous amount of money spent on something that provides very little benefits for schools. When the Los Angeles Unified School District provided tablets for every student in each one of its 640 schools, a large portion of the schools recalled or restricted the tablets after only a month. A tablet is simply not built to be an educational device; students such as those in Los Angeles will quickly use it to their own advantage, spending little time doing the school work with it that they are supposed to. These schools lost a great deal of money in a foolish, ill-advised investment that underestimated the craftiness of students and overestimated the learning potential of a tablet. In an effort to be "technological" and "ahead of the times", these schools ended up being the least technologically savvy.

Lastly, there are cheaper and much more useful alternatives to tablets. While the iPad Air, a tablet with low-computing power and limited functionality sold for $450, a much more useful and fast Touchscreen laptop can be purchased for only $250 (statistics from Best Buy). A computer is a much stronger device than a tablet; they are not limited by an App Store, and are usually faster and more power-efficient than the glorified screens. Though tablets were previously much more hands-on and easier to use than computers, recent developments such as the touchscreen computer and the Windows 8 and Surface operating systems remove even those advantages. These computers are also much harder to bypass the filters on, and they can be much more effectively limited than a tablet can. When something is both cheaper and better, what reason is there to choose the other option? If a school requires online classes, or simply wants to be ahead of the times, a laptop is a much better choice than a tablet.

Some people believe that educational apps on tablets will further students’ understanding of classroom material. The Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) took a survey of the technology use in the classroom that concluded that 77% of teachers found technology to "increase students' motivation to learn." To me, this means that tablets simply increase students’ motivation to view Youtube videos or post messages on social media.

In summary, tablets are inferior to computers in both cost and efficiency, they allow students to be potentially distracted, and they are a large expense with little potential benefits. The school full of tablets is a school full of distractions and plagiarism, and schools are much better off avoiding tablets entirely. I believe that schools shouldn't waste their time and resources on electronic tablets, and that computers or old-fashioned paper and pencil work are superior and will be for a long time yet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Imagine a world where every student, at every school, has their own school-only tablet. Filled to the brim with educational apps, the tablets are supposedly used to further the students' education and help them engage in the learning experience. The students use the apps in class, and then bring their tablets home to work on their homework. Once arriving at home, however, the students begin to do something very different than what they had been diligently working on at school. Because of the tablets' lack of blocking services, some students will immediately port social media and other non-educational applications onto their tablets, and use them for their own leisure. In the end, the tablets end up doing more to distract the students than to help them. Schools are moving towards giving every student their own tablet, but I believe that this is a misguided and backwards notion. Each student should not have their own tablet because of the potential for distraction, huge cost with little reward, and availability of superior and cheaper devices.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“The first reason that schools shouldn't provide every student with their own tablet is because of the potential for distraction. In today's high-tech media world, studies have shown that the majority of students cannot resist distractions for two minutes (NBC News Study). In order to successfully do their homework, the easily-distracted technological generation must avoid all distractions as best as they can. Providing students with tablets does nothing to alleviate this problem, and in fact simply makes it worse.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that electronic tablet devices are not a good value for schools. (“Second of all, tablets come at a very large cost. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, the average California high school has just short of 1000 students. Tablets range from around $100 to $500 each; buying a tablet for every student costs upwards of $100,000. This is a preposterous amount of money spent on something that provides very little benefits for schools. When the Los Angeles Unified School District provided tablets for every student in each one of its 640 schools, a large portion of the schools recalled or restricted the tablets after only a month.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position that schools should not purchase electronic tablet devices for students. The writer aptly addresses the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“To further increase potential distractions a tablet can provide, most tablet download filters and web filters can be easily bypassed, as shown by the multitude of hacker-made Youtube videos on the subject. This essentially means that schools are spending a fortune on providing students with the tools to distract themselves even further. Giving out tablets would end up harming student grades and participation instead of helping it. This drains financial resources from schools that would be much better spent on other solutions.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Lastly, there are cheaper and much more useful alternatives to tablets. While the iPad Air, a tablet with low-computing power and limited functionality sold for $450, a much more useful and fast Touchscreen laptop can be purchased for only $250 (statistics from Best Buy). A computer is a much stronger device than a tablet; they are not limited by an App Store, and are usually faster and more power-efficient than the glorified screens. Though tablets were previously much more hands-on and easier to use than computers, recent developments such as the touchscreen computer and the Windows 8 and Surface operating systems remove even those advantages. These computers are also much harder to bypass the filters on, and they can be much more effectively limited than a tablet can. When something is both cheaper and better, what reason is there to choose the other option? If a school requires online classes, or simply wants to be ahead of the times, a laptop is a much better choice than a tablet.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some people believe that educational apps on tablets will further students’ understanding of classroom material. The Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) took a survey of the technology use in the classroom that concluded that 77% of teachers found technology to ‘increase students' motivation to learn.’ To me, this means that tablets simply increase students’ motivation to view Youtube videos or post messages on social media.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and draws the readers into the debate. He/she begins by describing the illusion that school-provided electronic tablets will improve all students’ education. The writer then counters that scenario with an opinion about the realities of the situation. (“Imagine a world where every student, at every school, has their own school-only tablet. Filled to the brim with educational apps, the tablets are supposedly used to further the students' education and help them engage in the learning experience. The students use the apps in class, and then bring their tablets home to work on their homework. Once arriving at home, however, the students begin to do something very different than what they had been diligently working on at school. Because of the tablets' lack of blocking services, some students will immediately port social media and other non-educational applications onto their tablets, and use them for their own leisure. In the end, the tablets end up doing more to distract the students than to help them. Schools are moving towards giving every student their own tablet, but I believe that this is a misguided and backwards notion. Each student should not have their own tablet because of the potential for distraction, huge cost with little reward, and availability of superior and cheaper devices.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “the first reason,” “second of all,” “lastly,” and “in summary” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Second of all, tablets come at a very large cost. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, the average California high school has just short of 1000 students. Tablets range from around $100 to $500 each; buying a tablet for every student costs upwards of $100,000. This is a preposterous amount of money spent on something that provides very little benefits for schools.”)

The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument and leaves the readers thinking about the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“In summary, tablets are inferior to computers in both cost and efficiency, they allow students to be potentially distracted, and they are a large expense with little potential benefits. The school full of tablets is a school full of distractions and plagiarism, and schools are much better off avoiding tablets entirely. I believe that schools shouldn't waste their time and resources on electronic tablets, and that computers or old-fashioned paper and pencil work are superior and will be for a long time yet.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer uses language effectively to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“The first reason that schools shouldn't provide every student with their own tablet is because of the potential for distraction. In today's high-tech media world, studies have shown that the majority of students cannot resist distractions for two minutes (NBC News Study). In order to successfully do their homework, the easily-distracted technological generation must avoid all distractions as best as they can. Providing students with tablets does nothing to alleviate this problem, and in fact simply makes it worse. To further increase potential distractions a tablet can provide, most tablet download filters and web filters can be easily bypassed, as shown by the multitude of hacker-made Youtube videos on the subject. This essentially means that schools are spending a fortune on providing students with the tools to distract themselves even further. Giving out tablets would end up harming student grades and participation instead of helping it. This drains financial resources from schools that would be much better spent on other solutions.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Second of all, tablets come at a very large cost. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, the average California high school has just short of 1000 students. Tablets range from around $100 to $500 each; buying a tablet for every student costs upwards of $100,000. This is a preposterous amount of money spent on something that provides very little benefits for schools. When the Los Angeles Unified School District provided tablets for every student in each one of its 640 schools, a large portion of the schools recalled or restricted the tablets after only a month. A tablet is simply not built to be an educational device; students such as those in Los Angeles will quickly use it to their own advantage, spending little time doing the school work with it that they are supposed to. These schools lost a great deal of money in a foolish, ill-advised investment that underestimated the craftiness of students and overestimated the learning potential of a tablet. In an effort to be ‘technological’ and ‘ahead of the times’, these schools ended up being the least technologically savvy.”)

The writer uses varied sentence structures in his/her essay by including sentences with questions or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“A computer is a much stronger device than a tablet; they are not limited by an App Store, and are usually faster and more power-efficient than the glorified screens. Though tablets were previously much more hands-on and easier to use than computers, recent developments such as the touchscreen computer and the Windows 8 and Surface operating systems remove even those advantages. These computers are also much harder to bypass the filters on, and they can be much more effectively limited than a tablet can. When something is both cheaper and better, what reason is there to choose the other option?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Some people believe that educational apps on tablets will further students’ understanding of classroom material. The Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) took a survey of the technology use in the classroom that concluded that 77% of teachers found technology to ‘increase students' motivation to learn.’”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to do all of your schoolwork on a electronic tablet device? There have been many studies on the use of electronic tablets in a classroom. A school in Ohio has started using electronic devices in the classroom. Many schools do not like the idea of electronic tablets in the classroom in the hands of teenagers. Schools should purchase electronic tablets for each student to use in the classroom and at home because, it would help the students and teachers be more organized, the students can be trusted with them, and it can create a better learning environment.

Electronic tablets in the classroom would help students and teachers be more organized. With an electronic tablet students would not just stuff their homework assignment into their binder and hope they do not lose it because, they will already have the assignment sent to their tablets. The students would type all there work so teachers would not have to worry about dealing with bad handwriting. With an electronic tablet students would no longer lose any assignments they have because they would not lose the tablet. Teachers could be more organized because they would not have to print the assignment out thirty times they could just copy and paste. On the night before a test teachers could email a reminder to the students telling them to study. When the teachers remind them to study it would make the students be trusted.

When the students are organized they can be trusted to do their work. When a student gets an electronic tablet and is told that if they lose it or break it they have to pay for it you will be able to trust that they will take care of the tablet. When a teacher sends reminders out it will make the students do the assignment and then the teacher would trust them. When the teacher knows that they can trust their students they will be happy and that will make the students happy. Trust can make a lot of people do great things.

When students can be trusted it creates a better learning environment. When students get electronic tablets they will be happy to be doing something they are familiar with and that will make everyone excited to learn and grow. With an electronic tablet students would have easier access to websites that would help them do research for a project. Students would no longer turn in assignments in late. The teacher would be able to teach in a faster and easier way. The students would have a chance to express themselves by using fun and educational applications. Teachers would be able to be home with their family more often because the tablets would make their job easier. Electronic tablets would save money because every year students would not have to get new school supplies. When the students save money they can buy things they really want and be happier. The students and teachers would get along more and build bigger and stronger relationships.

Some might argue that the student would use the electronic devices for non-educational purposes. However, they are wrong because there are applications the teacher can get that can let them see what the students are doing on their electronic device. So you can conclude that the students should have electronic devices in the classroom.

Schools must allow students and teachers to have electronic tablets for educational purposes because, it would make the students and teachers more organized, the students can be trusted with them, and it will create a better learning environment for the students. You can make schools have electronic devices by emailing a school principal, create a website telling everyone about the issue or asking an student body officer to recommend the idea to a teacher.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. T he writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer focuses the readers’ attention by introducing the debate about the use of electronic tablet devices in schools; he/she effectively maintains the focus throughout the essay. (“Have you ever wondered what it would be like to do all of your schoolwork on a electronic tablet device? There have been many studies on the use of electronic tablets in a classroom. A school in Ohio has started using electronic devices in the classroom. Many schools do not like the idea of electronic tablets in the classroom in the hands of teenagers. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Schools should purchase electronic tablets for each student to use in the classroom and at home because, it would help the students and teachers be more organized, the students can be trusted with them, and it can create a better learning environment. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Electronic tablets in the classroom would help students and teachers be more organized . … [b1] When the students are organized they can be trusted to do their work. … When students can be trusted it creates a better learning environment. When students get electronic tablets they will be happy to be doing something they are familiar with and that will make everyone excited to learn and grow. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective development of ideas and content in the essay. He/she develops arguments using specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer clearly addresses the readers' opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Electronic tablets in the classroom would help students and teachers be more organized. With an electronic tablet students would not just stuff their homework assignment into their binder and hope they do not lose it because, they will already have the assignment sent to their tablets. The students would type all there work so teachers would not have to worry about dealing with bad handwriting. With an electronic tablet students would no longer lose any assignments they have because they would not lose the tablet. Teachers could be more organized because they would not have to print the assignment out thirty times they could just copy and paste. On the night before a test teachers could email a reminder to the students telling them to study. When the teachers remind them to study it would make the students be trusted. ”)

The writer includes facts, examples, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. He/she needs to be sure that all details within the paragraph relate to the topic sentence. (“When students can be trusted it creates a better learning environment. When students get electronic tablets they will be happy to be doing something they are familiar with and that will make everyone excited to learn and grow. With an electronic tablet students would have easier access to websites that would help them do research for a project. Students would no longer turn in assignments in late. The teacher would be able to teach in a faster and easier way. The students would have a chance to express themselves by using fun and educational applications. Teachers would be able to be home with their family more often because the tablets would make their job easier. Electronic tablets would save money because every year students would not have to get new school supplies. When the students save money they can buy things they really want and be happier. The students and teachers would get along more and build bigger and stronger relationships. ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue, but he/she could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some might argue that the student would use the electronic devices for non-educational purposes. However, they are wrong because there are applications the teacher can get that can let them see what the students are doing on their electronic device. So you can conclude that the students should have electronic devices in the classroom. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions that keep the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Have you ever wondered what it would be like to do all of your schoolwork on a electronic tablet device? There have been many studies on the use of electronic tablets in a classroom. A school in Ohio has started using electronic devices in the classroom. Many schools do not like the idea of electronic tablets in the classroom in the hands of teenagers. Schools should purchase electronic tablets for each student to use in the classroom and at home because, it would help the students and teachers be more organized, the students can be trusted with them, and it can create a better learning environment. ”)

Transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are necessary to show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions. (“When students can be trusted it creates a better learning environment. When students get electronic tablets they will be happy to be doing something they are familiar with and that will make everyone excited to learn and grow. With an electronic tablet students would have easier access to websites that would help them do research for a project. Students would no longer turn in assignments in late. The teacher would be able to teach in a faster and easier way. The students would have a chance to express themselves by using fun and educational applications. Teachers would be able to be home with their family more often because the tablets would make their job easier. ”)

The writer’s conclusion summarizes his/her argument and encourages the readers to take specific actions to voice their support. (“Schools must allow students and teachers to have electronic tablets for educational purposes because, it would make the students and teachers more organized, the students can be trusted with them, and it will create a better learning environment for the students. You can make schools have electronic devices by emailing a school principal, create a website telling everyone about the issue or asking an student body officer to recommend the idea to a teacher. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s viewpoint. (“With an electronic tablet students would not just stuff their homework assignment into their binder and hope they do not lose it because, they will already have the assignment sent to their tablets. The students would type all there work so teachers would not have to worry about dealing with bad handwriting. With an electronic tablet students would no longer lose any assignments they have because they would not lose the tablet. Teachers could be more organized because they would not have to print the assignment out thirty times they could just copy and paste. On the night before a test teachers could email a reminder to the students telling them to study. When the teachers remind them to study it would make the students be trusted. ”) The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Although the writer combines dependent clauses with independent clauses to create complex sentence structures, he/she uses the word “when” to begin many sentences. This repetitive usage detracts from the writer’s voice. (“When the students are organized they can be trusted to do their work. When a student gets an electronic tablet and is told that if they lose it or break it they have to pay for it you will be able to trust that they will take care of the tablet. When a teacher sends reminders out it will make the students do the assignment and then the teacher would trust them. When the teacher knows that they can trust their students they will be happy and that will make the students happy. Trust can make a lot of people do great things. ”)

The writer uses persuasive language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“Schools must allow students and teachers to have electronic tablets for educational purposes because, it would make the students and teachers more organized, the students can be trusted with them, and it will create a better learning environment for the students. You can make schools have electronic devices by emailing a school principal, create a website telling everyone about the issue or asking an student body officer to recommend the idea to a teacher. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“There have been many studies on the use of electronic tablets in a classroom. A school in Ohio has started using electronic devices in the classroom. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever thought about being able to use electronics at school? Everybody should be able to have a tablet for school and home use because it would be an awesome homework tool, it could provide great information for projects, it would also be useful for so much more. Tablets should definitely be a great thing to use during school to get kids learning and wanting to study. This would be really fun, extraordinary, and useful in our lives at school and home. Even though technology is not a good thing at times we could use it for so much more than just fun and games.

Firstly, we should be able to get tablets from the school to be used at home and school because it would be an awesome homework tool. This would be useful if we have a question on the homework we would be able to do it on the tablet and not be able to lose it or have a dog eat it. Secondly, if you needed to contact a teacher you would be able to email them straight away with it being signed up to your email already. Lastly, you would be able to have a calculator for homework instead of having to remember to bring a boring one everyday and you would be able to use other tools on homework like never before. These are a few of the reasons why we should be able to have our own tablets in school.

Next, we should be able to provide the school with great information on research for projects and photos that would not have to be printed of and have paper wasted. Also it would be able to help the school with research for essay's that would be saved to wherever we go. Lastly, we could have it to help everyone to be more organized. It will help the school be more organized by not requiring to carry all these papers around and we are so used to typing we would not have to worry about carrying anything extra around.

Lastly, It will be great use during school because it will get kids wanting to learn and study. This would be a great thing to have because technology like tablets gets kids' attention and would help them to memorize and understand the information being presented in class. It would also be useful for the school because most kids learn better opposed to learning by paper. If the school were to get tablets kids and teenagers would be able to practice their school work over the breaks they get in school and the vacations they take in school so they would not have to come back to school with their minds blank and empty. These reasons show why the should be tablets given to kids through the school.

Some may say that it it important to have good penmanship and that technology ruins kids and teenagers brains. That may be true but over all kids would be able to ace tests, projects, and so much more through learning differently and in a exciting way that helps kids and teenagers excited to learn and do good in school for the information the will be able to receive. Therefore the students in the Smithville Middle School should be able to have tablets no matter what others may think.

In conclusion, this school should be able to have tablets in this school because it will be an extraordinary tool that many will use, it provides great information and organization for essay's and projects, lastly, it is a great tool for kids being able to accomplish and enjoy homework and learning. Technology is an amazing thing that so many people would be able to accomplish great things by using this item in our daily lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. H e/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about schools providing electronic tablet devices for student use at home and at school and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Everybody should be able to have a tablet for school and home use because it would be an awesome homework tool, it could provide great information for projects, it would also be useful for so much more.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Firstly, we should be able to get tablets from the school to be used at home and school because it would be an awesome homework too. … Next, we should be able to provide the school with great information on research for projects and photos that would not have to be printed of and have paper wasted. … Lastly, It will be great use during school because it will get kids wanting to learn and study.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. He/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Lastly, we could have it to help everyone to be more organized. It will help the school be more organized by not requiring to carry all these papers around and we are so used to typing we would not have to worry about carrying anything extra around.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument that the school should provide electronic devices for students to use in class and at home. (“Firstly, we should be able to get tablets from the school to be used at home and school because it would be an awesome homework tool. This would be useful if we have a question on the homework we would be able to do it on the tablet and not be able to lose it or have a dog eat it. Secondly, if you needed to contact a teacher you would be able to email them straight away with it being signed up to your email already. Lastly, you would be able to have a calculator for homework instead of having to remember to bring a boring one everyday and you would be able to use other tools on homework like never before. These are a few of the reasons why we should be able to have our own tablets in school.”)

The examples and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Lastly, It will be great use during school because it will get kids wanting to learn and study. This would be a great thing to have because technology like tablets gets kids' attention and would help them to memorize and understand the information being presented in class. It would also be useful for the school because most kids learn better opposed to learning by paper. If the school were to get tablets kids and teenagers would be able to practice their school work over the breaks they get in school and the vacations they take in school so they would not have to come back to school with their minds blank and empty. These reasons show why the should be tablets given to kids through the school.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer could integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some may say that it it important to have good penmanship and that technology ruins kids and teenagers brains. That may be true but over all kids would be able to ace tests, projects, and so much more through learning differently and in a exciting way that helps kids and teenagers excited to learn and do good in school for the information the will be able to receive. Therefore the students in the Smithville Middle School should be able to have tablets no matter what others may think.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Have you ever thought about being able to use electronics at school? Everybody should be able to have a tablet for school and home use because it would be an awesome homework tool, it could provide great information for projects, it would also be useful for so much more. Tablets should definitely be a great thing to use during school to get kids learning and wanting to study. This would be really fun, extraordinary, and useful in our lives at school and home. Even though technology is not a good thing at times we could use it for so much more than just fun and games.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “firstly,” “next,” “lastly,” and “in conclusion,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Next, we should be able to provide the school with great information on research for projects and photos that would not have to be printed of and have paper wasted. Also it would be able to help the school with research for essay's that would be saved to wherever we go. Lastly, we could have it to help everyone to be more organized. It will help the school be more organized by not requiring to carry all these papers around and we are so used to typing we would not have to worry about carrying anything extra around.”) Transitional words help to demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately summarizes his/her argument. (“In conclusion, this school should be able to have tablets in this school because it will be an extraordinary tool that many will use, it provides great information and organization for essay's and projects, lastly, it is a great tool for kids being able to accomplish and enjoy homework and learning. Technology is an amazing thing that so many people would be able to accomplish great things by using this item in our daily lives.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Firstly, we should be able to get tablets from the school to be used at home and school because it would be an awesome homework tool. This would be useful if we have a question on the homework we would be able to do it on the tablet and not be able to lose it or have a dog eat it. Secondly, if you needed to contact a teacher you would be able to email them straight away with it being signed up to your email already. Lastly, you would be able to have a calculator for homework instead of having to remember to bring a boring one everyday and you would be able to use other tools on homework like never before.”)

The writer uses persuasive language to argue his/her position on the issue. (“If the school were to get tablets kids and teenagers would be able to practice their school work over the breaks they get in school and the vacations they take in school so they would not have to come back to school with their minds blank and empty. These reasons show why the should be tablets given to kids through the school.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“That may be true but over all kids would be able to ace tests, projects, and so much more through learning differently and in a exciting way that helps kids and teenagers excited to learn and do good in school for the information the will be able to receive. Therefore the students in the Smithville Middle School should be able to have tablets no matter what others may think.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. The writer needs to proofread the essay carefully. (“Lastly, It will be great use during school because it will get kids wanting to learn and study.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

First in my opinion we shouldn't use tablets in class or at home. Well students would be distracted. Then things could happen. Instead students could be playing on the tablet instead of doing what they are suppose to be doing. Then for last the conclusion.

Students would be thinking of when they are going to use thier tablets. Or when the first time they are going to be exploring it. Next students would be talking about it. They could be thinking about what could they do without leting someone know. That could mean trouble too.

Things could happen what does that mean for example. Students could broke them (the tablets). Or also loss them, then students would be worry. Then in class they would not learn of the activity in class with their tablets if that had happen. Then the school would have to pay for it. Or if they say that the parents would have to pay for it I don't think it would work that way.

In school there would have to be wi fi right, so then students might download games or something. Teachers might not know if they did that. Then at there homes might also trick their parents too by playing with it instead of doing their homework. So they would not be doing a great job on that. Then that might cause trouble at school and at home.

Finally for the conclusion so students should not use tablets at school for their work. This reasons are important because what if school would want to do this they would have to know what could cause. Well here are some short words of it. Students would not be paying attention to what they have to do. Also they would do things they not suppose to do. Also not doing their work during class or at their homes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis on the argument against students using electronic tablets at home or in school, but he/she may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ First in my opinion we shouldn't use tablets in class or at home. ”)

Although the writer focuses on a few ideas that could potentially support his/her argument, he/she is unclear in relating main ideas to the prompt task regarding whether or not schools should purchase the electronic devices. (“Things could happen what does that mean for example. Students could broke them (the tablets). Or also loss them, then students would be worry. Then in class they would not learn of the activity in class with their tablets if that had happen. Then the school would have to pay for it. Or if they say that the parents would have to pay for it I don't think it would work that way. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer’s viewpoint. (“ In school there would have to be wi fi right, so then students might download games or something. Teachers might not know if they did that. Then at there homes might also trick their parents too by playing with it instead of doing their homework. ”)

Content & Development

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas opposing the use of tablets in school, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“ Students would be thinking of when they are going to use thier tablets. Or when the first time they are going to be exploring it. Next students would be talking about it. They could be thinking about what could they do without leting someone know. That could mean trouble too. ”)

The writer includes some examples, short stories, and/or explanations that support his/her opinion. (“Things could happen what does that mean for example. Students could broke them (the tablets). Or also loss them, then students would be worry. Then in class they would not learn of the activity in class with their tablets if that had happen. Then the school would have to pay for it. Or if they say that the parents would have to pay for it I don't think it would work that way.”)

The writer includes a narrative that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for not supporting electronic devices, it provides only limited support for the argument . (“In school there would have to be wi fi right, so then students might download games or something. Teachers might not know if they did that. Then at there homes might also trick their parents too by playing with it instead of doing their homework. So they would not be doing a great job on that. Then that might cause trouble at school and at home. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The writer incorporates use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay needs to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact or question leading into the opinion or position statement. In this case, the writer just previews his/her main points. (“ First in my opinion we shouldn't use tablets in class or at home. Well students would be distracted. Then things could happen. Instead students could be playing on the tablet instead of doing what they are suppose to be doing. Then for last the conclusion. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs, and the writer overuses the word “then” to move from one idea to the next within the paragraphs. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions. (“In school there would have to be wi fi right, so then students might download games or something. Teachers might not know if they did that. Then at there homes might also trick their parents too by playing with it instead of doing their homework. So they would not be doing a great job on that. Then that might cause trouble at school and at home. ”)

The conclusion of the essay restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it could be stronger in telling the readers to accept the writer’s viewpoint. (“ Finally for the conclusion so students should not use tablets at school for their work. This reasons are important because what if school would want to do this they would have to know what could cause. Well here are some short words of it. Students would not be paying attention to what they have to do. Also they would do things they not suppose to do. Also not doing their work during class or at their homes. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Students would be thinking of when they are going to use thier tablets. Or when the first time they are going to be exploring it. Next students would be talking about it. They could be thinking about what could they do without leting someone know. ”)

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. The writer uses words such as “could” and “might” to describe scenarios, which is language that will not convince the readers. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” and “you need to” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“In school there would have to be wi fi right, so then students might download games or something. Teachers might not know if they did that. Then at there homes might also trick their parents too by playing with it instead of doing their homework. So they would not be doing a great job on that. Then that might cause trouble at school and at home. ”)

The essay includes several run-on sentences and fragments. (“Things could happen what does that mean for example. Students could broke them (the tablets). Or also loss them, then students would be worry. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Also they would do things they not suppose to do. Also not doing their work during class or at their homes. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever thought of thinking about having Tablet Devices for every student in school? Well I have I've thought about. I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea, but then I did pros and cons and I guess it wouldn't be such bad idea. Here's my cons, lost of the tablet, get distracted, broken, it will be hard to work with partners. There my first example, lost of the tablet what if you lose it and, you have to pay for it. Another one is, getting distracted what if you don't want to do the work, and you play games instead. The third example is, if it gets broken and you can't repair it, you might have to use a book for the whole year or until they repair it, but they might not give it to you because they have to trust you first, and you have to be stuck with the book. YIKES! My last example is, it will probably be hard to work with partners because, you guys might play games together, or your doing all the work and you try to get there attention and they wont work with you.

So do you see my point? If no it's OK I, see why you think it's a good thing. But here is my pro but I have very little ones tho, easier, saves time by, if you need to search something up on the internet you can, and you might feel responsible, but you might not you might just feel foolish and play on it until a teach walks by and you hurry and go to the thing your doing, if you do that I think you don't deserve it I think you would just have to use books because you can't play with those.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. The writer merely presents both sides of the argument without taking a stance. (“ I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea, but then I did pros and cons and I guess it wouldn't be such bad idea. ”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal language to address the intended readers. (“ So do you see my point? If no it's OK I, see why you think it's a good thing. But here is my pro but I have very little ones tho, easier, saves time by, if you need to search something up on the internet you can … ”) [b2]

Since the writer’s position on the issue is never stated definitively in the essay, the essay does not convince the readers to agree with either side of the argument. (“ … [b3] and you might feel responsible, but you might not you might just feel foolish and play on it until a teach walks by and you hurry and go to the thing your doing, if you do that I think you don't deserve it I think you would just have to use books because you can't play with those. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position about schools purchasing electronic tablet devices for all students. The writer may consider the readers’ opposing viewpoints, but he/she does not present counterarguments to support his/her position. The essay response to the prompt task is minimally developed at best.

The writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal. Although the essay contains at least three main ideas as evidence, the writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph and be supported by details. (“ There my first example, lost of the tablet what if you lose it and, you have to pay for it. Another one is, getting distracted what if you don't want to do the work, and you play games instead. The third example is, if it gets broken and you can't repair it, you might have to use a book for the whole year or until they repair it, but they might not give it to you because they have to trust you first, and you have to be stuck with the book. YIKES! My last example is, it will probably be hard to work with partners because, you guys might play games together, or your doing all the work and you try to get there attention and they wont work with you. ”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ But here is my pro but I have very little ones tho, easier, saves time by, if you need to search something up on the internet you can, and you might feel responsible, but you might not you might just feel foolish and play on it until a teach walks by and you hurry and go to the thing your doing, if you do that I think you don't deserve it I think you would just have to use books because you can't play with those. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing in the essay.

The essay demonstrates some evidence of an effective introduction by asking the readers a question, but the introduction needs to be in a paragraph separate from the body of the essay. (“ Have you ever thought of thinking about having Tablet Devices for every student in school? Well I have I've thought about. I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea, but then I did pros and cons and I guess it wouldn't be such bad idea. ”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position. Although the writer includes transitions between sentences, the lack of paragraphing affects the flow of ideas. (“ Here's my cons, lost of the tablet, get distracted, broken, it will be hard to work with partners. There my first example, lost of the tablet what if you lose it and, you have to pay for it. Another one is, getting distracted what if you don't want to do the work, and you play games instead. The third example is, if it gets broken and you can't repair it, you might have to use a book for the whole year or until they repair it, but they might not give it to you because they have to trust you first, and you have to be stuck with the book. YIKES! My last example is, it will probably be hard to work with partners because, you guys might play games together, or your doing all the work and you try to get there attention and they wont work with you. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what position to take concerning the issue at hand. (“… if you do that I think you don't deserve it I think you would just have to use books because you can't play with those. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits simple and repetitive word choices. (“Well I have I've thought about. I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea, but then I did pros and cons and I guess it wouldn't be such bad idea. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of school-provided electronic tablets for students. Repetitive phrases, such as “what if,” describe possible scenarios surrounding the issue, but the writer needs to use stronger terms to convince the readers to support his/her point of view. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“There my first example, lost of the tablet what if you lose it and, you have to pay for it. Another one is, getting distracted what if you don't want to do the work, and you play games instead. The third example is, if it gets broken and you can't repair it, you might have to use a book for the whole year or until they repair it, but they might not give it to you because they have to trust you first, and you have to be stuck with the book.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain too many ideas. (“But here is my pro but I have very little ones tho, easier, saves time by, if you need to search something up on the internet you can, and you might feel responsible, but you might not you might just feel foolish and play on it until a teach walks by and you hurry and go to the thing your doing, if you do that I think you don't deserve it I think you would just have to use books because you can't play with those. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think it's a good idea for all the students to have a tablet in class because you could search for things on the Internet for assessments and you could do things a hole lot faster. and it will entertain us so if were dun with are work they could play games or do other work for other classes and who like to Wright on a paper for like forty five minuets strait. I think there hand would get really tired and a little bored with it. and you the teacher don't have to stand up cus you could just send them the worksheet instead of getting up and walking back an forth ever period of the day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis, and little effort is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on using electronic tablets in class, but he/she does not argue the issue of schools purchasing the devices. Consequently, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ I think it's a good idea for all the students to have a tablet in class because you could search for things on the Internet for assessments and you could do things a hole lot faster. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language to convince administrators that the electronic devices will benefit students’ education. (“ and it will entertain us so if were dun with are work they could play games or do other work for other classes and who like to Wright on a paper for like forty five minuets strait. ”)

The writer lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ I think there hand would get really tired and a little bored with it. and you the teacher don't have to stand up cus you could just send them the worksheet instead of getting up and walking back an forth ever period of the day.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of schools purchasing electronic tablet devices for every student. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The writer does not include details to support the stated opinion. The response is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“and it will entertain us so if were dun with are work they could play games or do other work for other classes and who like to Wright on a paper for like forty five minuets strait. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. Additionally, at least three main ideas should be included as support for the argument. (“I think it's a good idea for all the students to have a tablet in class because you could search for things on the Internet for assessments and you could do things a hole lot faster. and it will entertain us so if were dun with are work they could play games or do other work for other classes and who like to Wright on a paper for like forty five minuets strait. I think there hand would get really tired and a little bored with it. and you the teacher don't have to stand up cus you could just send them the worksheet instead of getting up and walking back an forth ever period of the day. ”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer states how a teacher could use a tablet to send work to the students, but he/she does not elaborate on the process or its benefits. (“and you the teacher don't have to stand up cus you could just send them the worksheet instead of getting up and walking back an forth ever period of the day. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think it's a good idea for all the students to have a tablet in class because you could search for things on the Internet for assessments and you could do things a hole lot faster. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ and it will entertain us so if were dun with are work they could play games or do other work for other classes and who like to Wright on a paper for like forty five minuets strait. I think there hand would get really tired and a little bored with it. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ and you the teacher don't have to stand up cus you could just send them the worksheet instead of getting up and walking back an forth ever period of the day. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choices, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer should replace general words, such as “things,” with synonyms or more specific words or phrases to illustrate his/her ideas more clearly. (“I think it's a good idea for all the students to have a tablet in class because you could search for things on the Internet for assessments and you could do things a hole lot faster. ”)

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“and it will entertain us so if were dun with are work they could play games or do other work for other classes and who like to Wright on a paper for like forty five minuets strait. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects a balanced argument on the issue of school-purchased devices for every student, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“and you the teacher don't have to stand up cus you could just send them the worksheet instead of getting up and walking back an forth ever period of the day. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

An Environmental Problem

Write a 3-paragraph article for your community newspaper. Tell about an environmental problem and persuade readers to solve it through a team effort. Present your ideas for solving the problem.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

As urban sprawl spreads throughout the nation, many of us wish that we were living in the past. For those of you who don't know, urban sprawl is the uncontrolled spread of development into other regions. Urban sprawl is the villain behind the plot to destroy all of the animals’ habitats. It is the reason that species are becoming endangered, the reason that so many species are becoming extinct. If urban sprawl didn't exist, the world would be filled with green plants and trees, but that is only a fool's hope. If urban sprawl continues at this rate, we will only have a barren, gray land that we have the distinction to call home. I advise everyone who has been building on the habitats of animals to take a long, slow look at what they have done and how the environment has suffered because of it. We can't be so shortsighted that we think only about our own lives; we must think of the future, and we must preserve as many of these regions as we can.

In America, expanding our land is our way of keeping up with our vastly growing population. While I acknowledge the fact that we do need to expand our cities, there are many things that we can do to slow the rate of destruction. There are a great deal of houses, homes, and shelters that are not in use; my suggestion is to remodel these buildings so we can use them to make our homes; this would greatly decrease the rate of our destruction. There are a lot of rich people in the world who have a huge amount of land; most of these people have never even seen half of their land. I think a good solution would be if states made a law that restricted the amount of land that someone could buy. This could perhaps be the greatest way to slow down the annihilation of the forests that organisms live in. This would also serve another purpose; by restricting the amount of land someone could buy, it might reduce some of the jealousy and resentment that are directed at them. I believe that if we did these two things, we could greatly help slow down the destruction of the nation.

Urban sprawl has another bad affect on our environment: traffic. You may not understand how traffic would be bad for the environment. As more and more cars converge and congest on highways across the nation, the government finds the need to make more highways and streets. There are no open areas to build these streets on, so they wipe out ecosystems and shelters to do it. This, along with the loud noises of the cars, is enough to frighten animals right out of their habitats. Research has shown that traffic has improved by four times the amount that it was in the 1970s and 80s. Traffic isn't only bad for animals, when driving to work or to school, a short five minute drive is suddenly turned into a 20 minute hold up. This extra time can cause people to be late for their activities, so they will most likely turn irritable and are liable to blame the nearest person to them. Trust me; I have had this experience before.

Our view of the world has been dramatically changed; what was once a nice view of the mountain is now only a memory, thanks to your neighbor, who built his two-story house next to yours and stole your view. This is another problem that is caused by urban sprawl. Now you probably have a very bad impression of your neighbor, and you may never like him. This proves that not only does urban sprawl affect animals and organisms, but it also affects us as humans. As urban sprawl continues, a Fry's next to an Albertson’s or a Home Depot next to a Lowe's are becoming way too common these days. I have always wondered why people do these things; I have always thought that it would be a waste of money and the environment. Finally, I have found the two villains behind this plot: competition and ambition. Ambition causes people to be determined for wealth, power, and success. In this case, it is all three of those motives. Competition in the way two beings compete for survival, in this case, it means that both of the companies want to be more successful than the other one. Competition and ambition have badly affected the environment because more and more businesses are encroaching on animals’ habitats, which mean that we are causing them to lose their homes. Just last night I saw a lone coyote that was walking away from a construction site where trees and plants had been removed to build a bridge. I still can't understand why they built this bridge; it starts at one side of the desert and goes across a dry wash to the other side. I assumed immediately that the coyote had just lost its home.

You might say that building extra infrastructures is necessary for the growing population of America. While I acknowledge that we do need to build more houses to keep up with the population, we don't need as many houses as there are right now. I believe that we can remodel old, unused buildings and turn them into newly furnished ones. There are many abandoned homes in places across this country, and I believe that we should take advantage of these, and not take advantage of the environment. You may also say that it doesn't matter whether or not we build on lands that belong to other creatures, that just a few animals dying doesn't matter. It does matter; if you kill a species of one animal, all the animals who feed on that animal will go hungry, and this could be very serious. In the past, when this has happened, the result could be extinction. There are plenty of animals who have become extinct because the humans interfered with the food chain.

A plague spreads through our streets; we cannot sit idly by while this pox infects our society. Urban sprawl must be stopped and there are many reasons why it must be stopped. One of the reasons is that it destroys the environment and the creatures in it. Another reason is that it affects us as humans by causing more traffic, which can lead to accidents and quite possibly, death. Another of the reasons that it should be stopped is because it causes animals to lose their shelter, and it completely interrupts the food chain. There are also ways to stop it, which include putting a restriction on the amount of land someone can buy, and remodeling old unused houses. Heed me now, before it is too late; urban sprawl must be stopped!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides very effective focus and meaning for the intended audience . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion on the plight of animals affected by urban sprawl. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“If urban sprawl continues at this rate, we will only have a barren, gray land that we have the distinction to call home. I advise everyone who has been building on the habitats of animals to take a long, slow look at what they have done and how the environment has suffered because of it. We can't be so shortsighted that we think only about our own lives; we must think of the future, and we must preserve as many of these regions as we can.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Our view of the world has been dramatically changed; what was once a nice view of the mountain is now only a memory, thanks to your neighbor, who built his two-story house next to yours and stole your view. This is another problem that is caused by urban sprawl. Now you probably have a very bad impression of your neighbor, and you may never like him. This proves that not only does urban sprawl affect animals and organisms, but it also affects us as humans. As urban sprawl continues, a Fry's next to an Albertson’s or a Home Depot next to a Lowe's are becoming way too common these days. I have always wondered why people do these things; I have always thought that it would be a waste of money and the environment. Finally, I have found the two villains behind this plot: competition and ambition.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that urban sprawl is a detriment to our environment and needs to be stopped. (“A plague spreads through our streets; we cannot sit idly by while this pox infects our society. Urban sprawl must be stopped and there are many reasons why it must be stopped. One of the reasons is that it destroys the environment and the creatures in it. Another reason is that it affects us as humans by causing more traffic, which can lead to accidents and quite possibly, death. Another of the reasons that it should be stopped is because it causes animals to lose their shelter, and it completely interrupts the food chain. There are also ways to stop it, which include putting a restriction on the amount of land someone can buy, and remodeling old unused houses. Heed me now, before it is too late; urban sprawl must be stopped!”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the stated position on the issue of increased urban sprawl. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“You might say that building extra infrastructures is necessary for the growing population of America. While I acknowledge that we do need to build more houses to keep up with the population, we don't need as many houses as there are right now. I believe that we can remodel old, unused buildings and turn them into newly furnished ones. There are many abandoned homes in places across this country, and I believe that we should take advantage of these, and not take advantage of the environment. You may also say that it doesn't matter whether or not we build on lands that belong to other creatures, that just a few animals dying doesn't matter. It does matter; if you kill a species of one animal, all the animals who feed on that animal will go hungry, and this could be very serious. In the past, when this has happened, the result could be extinction. There are plenty of animals who have become extinct because the humans interfered with the food chain.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Ambition causes people to be determined for wealth, power, and success. In this case, it is all three of those motives. Competition in the way two beings compete for survival, in this case, it means that both of the companies want to be more successful than the other one. Competition and ambition have badly affected the environment because more and more businesses are encroaching on animals’ habitats, which mean that we are causing them to lose their homes. Just last night I saw a lone coyote that was walking away from a construction site where trees and plants had been removed to build a bridge. I still can't understand why they built this bridge; it starts at one side of the desert and goes across a dry wash to the other side. I assumed immediately that the coyote had just lost its home.”)

The details in the paragraphs support the argument by including a challenge to readers. (“I advise everyone who has been building on the habitats of animals to take a long, slow look at what they have done and how the environment has suffered because of it. We can't be so shortsighted that we think only about our own lives; we must think of the future, and we must preserve as many of these regions as we can.”) The writer asks the readers to examine actions and choices, thus actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The essay is organized effectively. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The introduction is creative and captures the readers’ attention. (“As urban sprawl spreads throughout the nation, many of us wish that we were living in the past. For those of you who don't know, urban sprawl is the uncontrolled spread of development into other regions. Urban sprawl is the villain behind the plot to destroy all of the animals’ habitats. It is the reason that species are becoming endangered, the reason that so many species are becoming extinct. If urban sprawl didn't exist, the world would be filled with green plants and trees, but that is only a fool's hope. If urban sprawl continues at this rate, we will only have a barren, gray land that we have the distinction to call home.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Our view of the world has been dramatically changed; what was once a nice view of the mountain is now only a memory, thanks to your neighbor, who built his two-story house next to yours and stole your view. This is another problem that is caused by urban sprawl. Now you probably have a very bad impression of your neighbor, and you may never like him. This proves that not only does urban sprawl affect animals and organisms, but it also affects us as humans. As urban sprawl continues, a Fry's next to an Albertson’s or a Home Depot next to a Lowe's are becoming way too common these days. I have always wondered why people do these things; I have always thought that it would be a waste of money and the environment. Finally, I have found the two villains behind this plot: competition and ambition. Ambition causes people to be determined for wealth, power, and success. In this case, it is all three of those motives.”)

The conclusion highlights the scope of the argument and leaves readers with a call to heed the dangers of urban sprawl. (“A plague spreads through our streets; we cannot sit idly by while this pox infects our society. Urban sprawl must be stopped and there are many reasons why it must be stopped. One of the reasons is that it destroys the environment and the creatures in it. Another reason is that it affects us as humans by causing more traffic, which can lead to accidents and quite possibly, death. Another of the reasons that it should be stopped is because it causes animals to lose their shelter, and it completely interrupts the food chain. There are also ways to stop it, which include putting a restriction on the amount of land someone can buy, and remodeling old unused houses. Heed me now, before it is too late; urban sprawl must be stopped!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to argue his/her position on the issue of the negative effects of development on the environment. (“Urban sprawl has another bad affect on our environment: traffic. You may not understand how traffic would be bad for the environment. As more and more cars converge and congest on highways across the nation, the government finds the need to make more highways and streets. There are no open areas to build these streets on, so they wipe out ecosystems and shelters to do it. This, along with the loud noises of the cars, is enough to frighten animals right out of their habitats.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in the essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“There are a great deal of houses, homes, and shelters that are not in use; my suggestion is to remodel these buildings so we can use them to make our homes; this would greatly decrease the rate of our destruction. There are a lot of rich people in the world who have a huge amount of land; most of these people have never even seen half of their land. I think a good solution would be if states made a law that restricted the amount of land that someone could buy.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“You might say that building extra infrastructures is necessary for the growing population of America. While I acknowledge that we do need to build more houses to keep up with the population, we don't need as many houses as there are right now. I believe that we can remodel old, unused buildings and turn them into newly furnished ones. There are many abandoned homes in places across this country, and I believe that we should take advantage of these, and not take advantage of the environment. You may also say that it doesn't matter whether or not we build on lands that belong to other creatures, that just a few animals dying doesn't matter. It does matter; if you kill a species of one animal, all the animals who feed on that animal will go hungry, and this could be very serious. In the past, when this has happened, the result could be extinction. There are plenty of animals who have become extinct because the humans interfered with the food chain.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“In America, expanding our land is our way of keeping up with our vastly growing population. While I acknowledge the fact that we do need to expand our cities, there are many things that we can do to slow the rate of destruction. There are a great deal of houses, homes, and shelters that are not in use; my suggestion is to remodel these buildings so we can use them to make our homes; this would greatly decrease the rate of our destruction.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The once icy home of our furry friends, the polar bears, is melting away. The once safe stroll on a sunny day is becoming potentially cancer causing without SPF 70 topped with a hat. The once fresh air is collecting unhealthy carbon amounts. The once beautiful mother earth is blatantly being destroyed by its own inhabitants! Isn't it obvious? Due to global warming, the planet that has homed mankind for its entire history will be no more if not for an immense change in our ways!

When it comes down to pointing fingers, we are all to blame for such tragedy, but that means we can all be part of the solution. It's not like this worldwide issue will vanish overnight, but with some lifestyle changes, over time we will save ourselves. It starts with us the people. Simple things will go a long way in this war with global warming. If each household changed just one regular light bulb to a compact florescent light bulb, it would be equivalent to removing two million cars from the road. Sure they cost a few extra bucks, but in the long run they last tremendously longer and save us. Additionally, take a break from driving pollution expelling vehicles and turn to more natural two wheelers. Yes, I'm talking bicycles.

Smack dab in the middle of suburbia, bikes might not be ideal transportation, but keep your eyes on the prize: a safer future for our kids. Departing for a short trip to neighboring developments, stores, or restaurants, bikes would be the only logical vehicle that simultaneously works off that extra brownie. Yet there are some that argue against bicycles. Do not fret, for them the hybrid car and also the electric car has been invented. These genius creations are a bit pricey, but they save so much money usually spent on gas and keep carbon from breaking apart our ozone layer. An even more helpful step to take in preventing self destruction is unplugging. 75% of electricity bills are from electronics gathering energy when they are not in use.

Not only changes in our daily lives will help undo damage already done to Mother Earth, but alternate energy sources which already exist will play a major role. Right now we have the technology to capture and convert wind to power. It is currently only supplying 1% of energy, but it is the fastest growing source. Using our own air to give back causes no pollution and can power all essential products at once. Yet there is another growing energy source: the sun. The star which we revolve around burns more energy in one second than burning fossil fuels in one year; the tricky part is harnessing all that energy. The resources to do so do exist. They are solar panels which can go on roofs of buildings and houses anywhere and voila, power! With solar panels when there is energy from the sun, there is electricity even during hurricanes. Though with alternative power options we have a long way to go, we are on our way to resolution.

Maybe the melting home of arctic animals will turn back to a comfortably cold habitat. Maybe we will be able to venture out on the sunniest of days without full sun armor. Maybe we will take a breath of air that is squeaky clean instead of hidden with pollutants. Maybe we will be the species that saves this planet we call home. Just, maybe with help from the humans our world can become the healthy, safe place it once was!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a position on the issue of global warming and discusses possible solutions that everyone can embrace to affect change. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer takes hold of readers’ attention by describing simple pleasures that are now threatened by the effects of global warming. (“The once icy home of our furry friends, the polar bears, is melting away. The once safe stroll on a sunny day is becoming potentially cancer causing without SPF 70 topped with a hat. The once fresh air is collecting unhealthy carbon amounts. The once beautiful mother earth is blatantly being destroyed by its own inhabitants! Isn't it obvious? Due to global warming, the planet that has homed mankind for its entire history will be no more if not for an immense change in our ways!”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Not only changes in our daily lives will help undo damage already done to Mother Earth, but alternate energy sources which already exist will play a major role. Right now we have the technology to capture and convert wind to power. It is currently only supplying 1% of energy, but it is the fastest growing source. Using our own air to give back causes no pollution and can power all essential products at once. Yet there is another growing energy source: the sun. The star which we revolve around burns more energy in one second than burning fossil fuels in one year; the tricky part is harnessing all that energy. The resources to do so do exist. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Smack dab in the middle of suburbia, bikes might not be ideal transportation, but keep your eyes on the prize: a safer future for our kids. Departing for a short trip to neighboring developments, stores, or restaurants, bikes would be the only logical vehicle that simultaneously works off that extra brownie. Yet there are some that argue against bicycles. Do not fret, for them the hybrid car and also the electric car has been invented. These genius creations are a bit pricey, but they save so much money usually spent on gas and keep carbon from breaking apart our ozone layer. An even more helpful step to take in preventing self destruction is unplugging. 75% of electricity bills are from electronics gathering energy when they are not in use.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. He/she develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the stated position. The writer briefly addresses readers’ opposing points of view.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“If each household changed just one regular light bulb to a compact florescent light bulb, it would be equivalent to removing two million cars from the road. Sure they cost a few extra bucks, but in the long run they last tremendously longer and save us.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Not only changes in our daily lives will help undo damage already done to Mother Earth, but alternate energy sources which already exist will play a major role. Right now we have the technology to capture and convert wind to power. It is currently only supplying 1% of energy, but it is the fastest growing source. Using our own air to give back causes no pollution and can power all essential products at once. ”)

The writer’s details are relevant to the argument presented. (“Yet there is another growing energy source: the sun. The star which we revolve around burns more energy in one second than burning fossil fuels in one year; the tricky part is harnessing all that energy. The resources to do so do exist. They are solar panels which can go on roofs of buildings and houses anywhere and voila, power! With solar panels when there is energy from the sun, there is electricity even during hurricanes. Though with alternative power options we have a long way to go, we are on our way to resolution.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“The once beautiful mother earth is blatantly being destroyed by its own inhabitants! Isn't it obvious? Due to global warming, the planet that has homed mankind for its entire history will be no more if not for an immense change in our ways!”)

Subtle transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Not only changes in our daily lives will help undo damage already done to Mother Earth, but alternate energy sources which already exist will play a major role. Right now we have the technology to capture and convert wind to power. It is currently only supplying 1% of energy, but it is the fastest growing source. Using our own air to give back causes no pollution and can power all essential products at once. Yet there is another growing energy source: the sun. ”)

The conclusion wraps up the argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Maybe the melting home of arctic animals will turn back to a comfortably cold habitat. Maybe we will be able to venture out on the sunniest of days without full sun armor. Maybe we will take a breath of air that is squeaky clean instead of hidden with pollutants. Maybe we will be the species that saves this planet we call home. Just, maybe with help from the humans our world can become the healthy, safe place it once was!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses good language to argue his/her stance on the issue of global warming. (“When it comes down to pointing fingers, we are all to blame for such tragedy, but that means we can all be part of the solution. It's not like this worldwide issue will vanish overnight, but with some lifestyle changes, over time we will save ourselves. It starts with us the people. Simple things will go a long way in this war with global warming. ”)

The writer creates complex sentence structures by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“The star which we revolve around burns more energy in one second than burning fossil fuels in one year; the tricky part is harnessing all that energy. The resources to do so do exist. They are solar panels which can go on roofs of buildings and houses anywhere and voila, power! With solar panels when there is energy from the sun, there is electricity even during hurricanes. Though with alternative power options we have a long way to go, we are on our way to resolution.”)

Language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“If each household changed just one regular light bulb to a compact florescent light bulb, it would be equivalent to removing two million cars from the road. Sure they cost a few extra bucks, but in the long run they last tremendously longer and save us. Additionally, take a break from driving pollution expelling vehicles and turn to more natural two wheelers. Yes, I'm talking bicycles.”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Not only changes in our daily lives will help undo damage already done to Mother Earth, but alternate energy sources which already exist will play a major role. Right now we have the technology to capture and convert wind to power. It is currently only supplying 1% of energy, but it is the fastest growing source. Using our own air to give back causes no pollution and can power all essential products at once. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Imagine a world with pollution in the water and on the land. Water pollution has many effects, but what is Water pollution? Water pollution has many bad effects. Some ways of water pollution are sewage dumps, and oil spills. Many animals die because of pollution. When animals become endangered, extinct, or threatened, it is because of water pollution, or land pollution. In the water, tourists drop rubbish on the beach ground. It washes into the water and kills animals. Water pollution has affects on animals, us, and our environment.

Pollution has many bad effects on the animals, us, and our environment. It kills many beautiful things in this world. In water pollution, the sewage and oil spills cause the water animals to die. Turtles wander around the six pack rings and get their necks caught in them. It is very bad for turtles especially when they are on the endangered species list and if we kill them all, they will be extinct.

On the other hand, people think that because of this problem they have to sort their rubbish and many become angry because they do not want to sort rubbish. Those people think that life will become harder and the tourists will ignore the rules. Another water pollution problem is sewage that spills into the water. It cancels many water activities for water lovers and if you drink that water you could get seriously ill and could be at risk. On the other hand people who hate water sports say things like "Why should we care about people who like water sports?" Another, one of the water pollution problems is that, oil that spills into the ocean, makes animals swallow it. The oil is toxic so when animals drink the oil, it might cause a death. Also oil spills damage the ocean sending waste down to the ocean. Many boater's will argue with this statement and say " How would we run our boats without oil? It would take very long to build new ships, especially solar powered ones. Also, the oil company would not like to lose money." Pollution causes many problems including these. Pollution affects animals, us, and our environment.

Pollution is very bad in my opinion. To improve oil spill problems, you could have ships that are powered by light, heat, or sun. To prevent turtle's death, you could cut up the six pack rings, and always recycle things that would hurt animals. You could also help prevent water pollution by keeping the beach clean and recycling. Always remember to throw away trash in the rubbish can whether it's yours or not. There are many effects of water pollution. Three reasons are explained on this story, but you would want a clean beach with lots of water animals. "Reducing, Reusing, and Recycling," gets you and your community a better world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning for the intended audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about an environmental problem and adequately attempts to argue the stated position . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“Many animals die because of pollution. When animals become endangered, extinct, or threatened, it is because of water pollution, or land pollution. In the water, tourists drop rubbish on the beach ground. It washes into the water and kills animals. Water pollution has affects on animals, us, and our environment.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Pollution has many bad effects on the animals, us, and our environment. It kills many beautiful things in this world. In water pollution, the sewage and oil spills cause the water animals to die. Turtles wander around the six pack rings and get their necks caught in them. It is very bad for turtles especially when they are on the endangered species list and if we kill them all, they will be extinct.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“To improve oil spill problems, you could have ships that are powered by light, heat, or sun. To prevent turtle's death, you could cut up the six pack rings, and always recycle things that would hurt animals. You could also help prevent water pollution by keeping the beach clean and recycling. Always remember to throw away trash in the rubbish can whether it's yours or not.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the stated position. Additionally, although not adequately organized, the writer does manage to weave possible counterarguments into the main body paragraph. The overall message would benefit by incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details into more organized body paragraphs to explain and illustrate main ideas.

Most of the writer’s details are relevant to the argument presented. (“Pollution has many bad effects on the animals, us, and our environment. It kills many beautiful things in this world. In water pollution, the sewage and oil spills cause the water animals to die. Turtles wander around the six pack rings and get their necks caught in them. It is very bad for turtles especially when they are on the endangered species list and if we kill them all, they will be extinct.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Also oil spills damage the ocean sending waste down to the ocean. Many boater's will argue with this statement and say ‘ How would we run our boats without oil? It would take very long to build new ships, especially solar powered ones. Also, the oil company would not like to lose money.’ Pollution causes many problems including these. Pollution affects animals, us, and our environment.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints. The writer has the opportunity to integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“On the other hand, people think that because of this problem they have to sort their rubbish and many become angry because they do not want to sort rubbish. Those people think that life will become harder and the tourists will ignore the rules. Another water pollution problem is sewage that spills into the water. It cancels many water activities for water lovers and if you drink that water you could get seriously ill and could be at risk. On the other hand people who hate water sports say things like ‘Why should we care about people who like water sports?’ Another, one of the water pollution problems is that, oil that spills into the ocean, makes animals swallow it. The oil is toxic so when animals drink the oil, it might cause a death.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Imagine a world with pollution in the water and on the land. Water pollution has many effects, but what is Water pollution? Water pollution has many bad effects. Some ways of water pollution are sewage dumps, and oil spills. Many animals die because of pollution.”)

The writer uses a few transitions that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“On the other hand, people think that because of this problem they have to sort their rubbish and many become angry because they do not want to sort rubbish. Those people think that life will become harder and the tourists will ignore the rules. Another water pollution problem is sewage that spills into the water. It cancels many water activities for water lovers and if you drink that water you could get seriously ill and could be at risk.”) However, the writer should employ more, since transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer’s argument. (“Pollution is very bad in my opinion. To improve oil spill problems, you could have ships that are powered by light, heat, or sun. To prevent turtle's death, you could cut up the six pack rings, and always recycle things that would hurt animals. You could also help prevent water pollution by keeping the beach clean and recycling. Always remember to throw away trash in the rubbish can whether it's yours or not. There are many effects of water pollution. Three reasons are explained on this story, but you would want a clean beach with lots of water animals. ‘Reducing, Reusing, and Recycling,’ gets you and your community a better world.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally displays correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Pollution is very bad in my opinion. To improve oil spill problems, you could have ships that are powered by light, heat, or sun. To prevent turtle's death, you could cut up the six pack rings, and always recycle things that would hurt animals.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Another water pollution problem is sewage that spills into the water. It cancels many water activities for water lovers and if you drink that water you could get seriously ill and could be at risk. On the other hand people who hate water sports say things like ‘Why should we care about people who like water sports?’”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“When animals become endangered, extinct, or threatened, it is because of water pollution, or land pollution. In the water, tourists drop rubbish on the beach ground. It washes into the water and kills animals. Water pollution has affects on animals, us, and our environment.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Pollution has many bad effects on the animals, us, and our environment. It kills many beautiful things in this world. In water pollution, the sewage and oil spills cause the water animals to die. Turtles wander around the six pack rings and get their necks caught in them. It is very bad for turtles especially when they are on the endangered species list and if we kill them all, they will be extinct.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

We should stop polluting because it is bad for the air.When we pollut we melt the ice caps. When we melt ice caps the water rises 12 inches. We are endangerig native animals like the the hounu or the hawaiian sea turtels. The Hawaiian sea turtle is choking on six pack rings. Thats why they are endangered.

George w Bush is not listning to us about the pollution and why we should stop. Insted of listning he is putting people into koko camps. If we don't do something soon we will have less native plants and animals on our islands. If the plants and animals theat eat the native plants and animals the poullations will son die out in that area. When we litter we also pollut so we need to throw away all of our trash.

Global warnning is a problem because the heat melts the ice caps and give the polar bears not many more places to live so we endanger th polar bears.The polar bears eat fish and the penguins eat fish to so the have a compotition for fish. The Seals eat the penguins or polar bears so we need to protect and stop pllouting.When we litter we pollut and when we polut we help the global warning grow.That is a very bad thein for our enviroment.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the issue of pollution but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ We should stop polluting because it is bad for the air.When we pollut we melt the ice caps. When we melt ice caps the water rises 12 inches. We are endangerig native animals like the the hounu or the hawaiian sea turtels. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to support the stated opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“If we don't do something soon we will have less native plants and animals on our islands. If the plants and animals theat eat the native plants and animals the poullations will son die out in that area. When we litter we also pollut so we need to throw away all of our trash.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the stated point of view. (“The Seals eat the penguins or polar bears so we need to protect and stop pllouting.When we litter we pollut and when we polut we help the global warning grow.That is a very bad thein for our enviroment.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the specified environmental problem. He/she does attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The writer does not address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“George w Bush is not listning to us about the pollution and why we should stop. Insted of listning he is putting people into koko camps. If we don't do something soon we will have less native plants and animals on our islands. ”)

The writer includes scientific anecdotes that attempt to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Global warnning is a problem because the heat melts the ice caps and give the polar bears not many more places to live so we endanger th polar bears.The polar bears eat fish and the penguins eat fish to so the have a compotition for fish. The Seals eat the penguins or polar bears so we need to protect and stop pllouting. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for stopping pollution, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the stated position on the issue. (“We should stop polluting because it is bad for the air.When we pollut we melt the ice caps. When we melt ice caps the water rises 12 inches. We are endangerig native animals like the the hounu or the hawaiian sea turtels. The Hawaiian sea turtle is choking on six pack rings. Thats why they are endangered.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer informs the readers about the plight of the Hawaiian sea turtle. (“We should stop polluting because it is bad for the air.When we pollut we melt the ice caps. When we melt ice caps the water rises 12 inches. We are endangerig native animals like the the hounu or the hawaiian sea turtels. The Hawaiian sea turtle is choking on six pack rings. Thats why they are endangered.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“If we don't do something soon we will have less native plants and animals on our islands. If the plants and animals theat eat the native plants and animals the poullations will son die out in that area. When we litter we also pollut so we need to throw away all of our trash.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion should restate the writer’s position and leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“When we litter we pollut and when we polut we help the global warning grow.That is a very bad thein for our enviroment.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“We should stop polluting because it is bad for the air.When we pollut we melt the ice caps. When we melt ice caps the water rises 12 inches. We are endangerig native animals like the the hounu or the hawaiian sea turtels. The Hawaiian sea turtle is choking on six pack rings. Thats why they are endangered.”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Global warnning is a problem because the heat melts the ice caps and give the polar bears not many more places to live so we endanger th polar bears.The polar bears eat fish and the penguins eat fish to so the have a compotition for fish. ”)

Sentence structures are weak, and word choices are simple. Together, they severely weaken the effectiveness of the intended message. (“When we litter we pollut and when we polut we help the global warning grow.That is a very bad thein for our enviroment.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ George w Bush is not listning to us about the pollution and why we should stop. Insted of listning he is putting people into koko camps. If we don't do something soon we will have less native plants and animals on our islands. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think people should not leave any trash behind like in the alleys or in the parking lots. Its really hard for other people to clean up. I think other people should not through on peoples properties because if someone sees people throwing on there propertie they would get really mad and they will realize that they did to. It will also be good for others not to through any trash so everybody does not have to pickup after you. Its a bad thing to throw alot of trash. People dont like when they throw it any where they want to it makes the places look really bad. what you need to do is get the trash and throw it at the nearest trash can.

After picking up things it should look good and clean so that people wont think that the place is trashy. Picking up trash will make every place look really good and clean for others could injoy having a nice and pieceful spot.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of a specific environmental problem. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ I think people should not leave any trash behind like in the alleys or in the parking lots. Its really hard for other people to clean up. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“People dont like when they throw it any where they want to it makes the places look really bad. what you need to do is get the trash and throw it at the nearest trash can. After picking up things it should look good and clean so that people wont think that the place is trashy.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“After picking up things it should look good and clean so that people wont think that the place is trashy. Picking up trash will make every place look really good and clean for others could injoy having a nice and pieceful spot.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to argue his/her stance on the specified environmental problem. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the stated position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ I think people should not leave any trash behind like in the alleys or in the parking lots. Its really hard for other people to clean up. I think other people should not through on peoples properties because if someone sees people throwing on there propertie they would get really mad and they will realize that they did to. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Additionally, he/she does not address possible counterarguments to round out the response. (“People dont like when they throw it any where they want to it makes the places look really bad. what you need to do is get the trash and throw it at the nearest trash can. After picking up things it should look good and clean so that people wont think that the place is trashy.”)

Organization

The writer exhibits minimal organization in the task response. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

Little evidence of an effective introduction is demonstrated. (“ I think people should not leave any trash behind like in the alleys or in the parking lots. Its really hard for other people to clean up. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the issue effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ Its really hard for other people to clean up. I think other people should not through on peoples properties because if someone sees people throwing on there propertie they would get really mad and they will realize that they did to. ”)

A strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay is not included. The conclusion does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“Picking up trash will make every place look really good and clean for others could injoy having a nice and pieceful spot.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“It will also be good for others not to through any trash so everybody does not have to pickup after you. Its a bad thing to throw alot of trash. People dont like when they throw it any where they want to it makes the places look really bad. what you need to do is get the trash and throw it at the nearest trash can.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“After picking up things it should look good and clean so that people wont think that the place is trashy. Picking up trash will make every place look really good and clean for others could injoy having a nice and pieceful spot.”)

Word choices are simple and repetitive. (“Its a bad thing to throw alot of trash. People dont like when they throw it any where they want to it makes the places look really bad. what you need to do is get the trash and throw it at the nearest trash can.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The writer commits patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ I think other people should not through on peoples properties because if someone sees people throwing on there propertie they would get really mad and they will realize that they did to. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I strongly belive that people should not throw trach in the ocean. The sea animals could be killed because there is some stuff that is dangerous to animals. I think that by butting trach in the ocean is by butting trach in your home or on Atlantic City and care to help are community at all. By helping arecommunity you are helping the animals that live in the ocean and the Earth, and Atlantic City.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed supporting arguments. (“ I strongly belive that people should not throw trach in the ocean. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ I think that by butting trach in the ocean is by butting trach in your home or on Atlantic City and care to help are community at all. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ I strongly belive that people should not throw trach in the ocean. The sea animals could be killed because there is some stuff that is dangerous to animals. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support arguments for the stated environmental problem . Additionally, the essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include relevant details to support the stated opinion. (“The sea animals could be killed because there is some stuff that is dangerous to animals. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are present in the form of body paragraphs. Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“I strongly belive that people should not throw trach in the ocean. The sea animals could be killed because there is some stuff that is dangerous to animals. I think that by butting trach in the ocean is by butting trach in your home or on Atlantic City and care to help are community at all. By helping arecommunity you are helping the animals that live in the ocean and the Earth, and Atlantic City.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“By helping arecommunity you are helping the animals that live in the ocean and the Earth, and Atlantic City”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I strongly belive that people should not throw trach in the ocean. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ The sea animals could be killed because there is some stuff that is dangerous to animals. I think that by butting trach in the ocean is by butting trach in your home or on Atlantic City and care to help are community at all. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“By helping arecommunity you are helping the animals that live in the ocean and the Earth, and Atlantic City.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I strongly belive that people should not throw trach in the ocean. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I think that by butting trach in the ocean is by butting trach in your home or on Atlantic City and care to help are community at all. By helping arecommunity you are helping the animals that live in the ocean and the Earth, and Atlantic City.”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to argue his/her stance on the issue of an environmental problem, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“The sea animals could be killed because there is some stuff that is dangerous to animals. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ I think that by butting trach in the ocean is by butting trach in your home or on Atlantic City and care to help are community at all. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

An Important Issue

Write a letter to the editor. Tell about a topic that is important to you. State your position and give arguments to convince your readers to take action.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Almost every day someone wakes up in the morning, eats breakfast, tells his family goodbye, grabs a nail-studded club, and heads off to work. When he arrives home, he happily announces that about 10,000 baby Harper seals have been killed that day, and his wallet is overflowing with cash. Seal clubbing is a barbarous, money-making sport that kills seals for personal indulgence, is an inhuman way to kill a living creature, and may one day alter the entire food chain.

Imagine yourself laying on a thick sheet of ice with your family, when, without warning, a large man trudges up to your mother seal with a spiky club and repeatedly bashes her over the head until she's bloody and no longer breathing. The man then carries her away. How would you feel as the seal? It's cruel and selfish to hurt living things for your own personal indulgence. How narrow-minded can the hunter be? Baby Harper seals are also adorable, chubby, wide-eyed, harmless critters. What has the cute, innocent thing ever done to you? How can someone be so cold as to kill something as sweet as a baby seal?

Clubbing to death is an inhuman way to kill living creatures. Why is it that livestock are shot or their throats are slit, yet seals get bashed until they lie cold on the ice? People argue whether or not clubbing is the "moral" way to go about killing animals. The clubbers say that it's better than shooting them. I think that shooting is faster and less painful; yet, is there really a "moral" way to kill animals, or is the concept itself just completely unethical? The whole seal clubbing controversy ties into religion dramatically. People base their opinions of how to kill the animal on religion. It could be that the act of taking a life in itself is a bad thing to do, or there could be a better way to accomplish the killing of the seals. However, I find it sick to kill the seals in such a cold, heartless manner. What kind of twisted person enjoys, or rather, shrugs off such a cruel act? Who wouldn't be moved or heartbroken looking at the pictures of the blood-stained ice?

The population of seals may be dramatically influenced by these murderous acts, and if that happens, the entire food chain may be affected. Some animals eat plants and those animals get eaten by other animals that get eaten by other animals. Somewhere in the middle of that, there are seals. If the 350,000 killings per year keep repeating, then there will be a break in the food chain. The animals that eat the seals will have nothing to eat, and their population will decrease. The animals that eat those animals will die out, too. The animals that the seals eat will grow in population because of the decrease of their predators. These clubbers, or rather, these murderers, may alter the entire food chain just so they can make money for themselves. How mercenary can one be? To change the world so that they could get what they want? And even worse than just killing them, about 40% of baby seals are still alive when they're skinned.

There is another side to this seal-bashing dilemma. The clubbers have opinions as well. They say that they club because people need to earn a living and clubbing is how they go about doing so. They think that clubbing is faster and more humane than shooting the seals. Clubbing also provides a sort of entertainment. They have strongly stated many times that the seal population is doing very well...maybe even too well. The population of seals is abnormally large and it wouldn't do harm to trim it around the edges a bit. The clubbers strongly state these opinions and no, they obviously do not go unnoticed. As you can see, there clearly is not just one side to this argument.

This worldwide dispute is a huge problem today, and we must do our best to stop the murders. If no action takes place, the population of seals and the food chain may never be the same. If you would like to help stop this torture, all you have to do is spread the word on the brutality that goes on in Canada and other northern areas. How can anyone murder such innocent creatures? You have to help stop it. You can help make the change and save the animals. Here is a suggestion: enjoy club sandwiches, NOT seals.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Almost every day someone wakes up in the morning, eats breakfast, tells his family goodbye, grabs a nail-studded club, and heads off to work. When he arrives home, he happily announces that about 10,000 baby Harper seals have been killed that day, and his wallet is overflowing with cash. Seal clubbing is a barbarous, money-making sport that kills seals for personal indulgence, is an inhuman way to kill a living creature, and may one day alter the entire food chain.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s argument. (“Clubbing to death is an inhuman way to kill living creatures. Why is it that livestock are shot or their throats are slit, yet seals get bashed until they lie cold on the ice? People argue whether or not clubbing is the ‘moral’ way to go about killing animals. The clubbers say that it's better than shooting them. I think that shooting is faster and less painful; yet, is there really a ‘moral’ way to kill animals, or is the concept itself just completely unethical?”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of arguing the stated point of view. (“Imagine yourself laying on a thick sheet of ice with your family, when, without warning, a large man trudges up to your mother seal with a spiky club and repeatedly bashes her over the head until she's bloody and no longer breathing. The man then carries her away. How would you feel as the seal? It's cruel and selfish to hurt living things for your own personal indulgence. How narrow-minded can the hunter be? Baby Harper seals are also adorable, chubby, wide-eyed, harmless critters. What has the cute, innocent thing ever done to you? How can someone be so cold as to kill something as sweet as a baby seal?”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that clubbing seals is inhumane and will alter the food chain forever. (“The population of seals may be dramatically influenced by these murderous acts, and if that happens, the entire food chain may be affected. Some animals eat plants and those animals get eaten by other animals that get eaten by other animals. Somewhere in the middle of that, there are seals. If the 350,000 killings per year keep repeating, then there will be a break in the food chain. The animals that eat the seals will have nothing to eat, and their population will decrease.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing relevant details to support the position on the issue of cruelty to seals. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer acknowledges the counter view to the debate of clubbing animals for profit. (“There is another side to this seal-bashing dilemma. The clubbers have opinions as well. They say that they club because people need to earn a living and clubbing is how they go about doing so. They think that clubbing is faster and more humane than shooting the seals. Clubbing also provides a sort of entertainment. They have strongly stated many times that the seal population is doing very well...maybe even too well. The population of seals is abnormally large and it wouldn't do harm to trim it around the edges a bit. The clubbers strongly state these opinions and no, they obviously do not go unnoticed. As you can see, there clearly is not just one side to this argument.”)

The writer includes statistics to illustrate his/her point of view. (“If the 350,000 killings per year keep repeating, then there will be a break in the food chain. The animals that eat the seals will have nothing to eat, and their population will decrease. The animals that eat those animals will die out, too. The animals that the seals eat will grow in population because of the decrease of their predators. These clubbers, or rather, these murderers, may alter the entire food chain just so they can make money for themselves. How mercenary can one be? To change the world so that they could get what they want? And even worse than just killing them, about 40% of baby seals are still alive when they're skinned.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. (“Imagine yourself laying on a thick sheet of ice with your family, when, without warning, a large man trudges up to your mother seal with a spiky club and repeatedly bashes her over the head until she's bloody and no longer breathing. The man then carries her away. How would you feel as the seal? It's cruel and selfish to hurt living things for your own personal indulgence. How narrow-minded can the hunter be? Baby Harper seals are also adorable, chubby, wide-eyed, harmless critters. What has the cute, innocent thing ever done to you? How can someone be so cold as to kill something as sweet as a baby seal?”) The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and captures the readers’ attention. (“Almost every day someone wakes up in the morning, eats breakfast, tells his family goodbye, grabs a nail-studded club, and heads off to work. When he arrives home, he happily announces that about 10,000 baby Harper seals have been killed that day, and his wallet is overflowing with cash. Seal clubbing is a barbarous, money-making sport that kills seals for personal indulgence, is an inhuman way to kill a living creature, and may one day alter the entire food chain.”)

The writer employs subtle transitions to move from one reason or idea to the next. (“The population of seals may be dramatically influenced by these murderous acts, and if that happens, the entire food chain may be affected. Some animals eat plants and those animals get eaten by other animals that get eaten by other animals. Somewhere in the middle of that, there are seals. If the 350,000 killings per year keep repeating, then there will be a break in the food chain. The animals that eat the seals will have nothing to eat, and their population will decrease. The animals that eat those animals will die out, too. The animals that the seals eat will grow in population because of the decrease of their predators.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a call to action. (“This worldwide dispute is a huge problem today, and we must do our best to stop the murders. If no action takes place, the population of seals and the food chain may never be the same. If you would like to help stop this torture, all you have to do is spread the word on the brutality that goes on in Canada and other northern areas. How can anyone murder such innocent creatures? You have to help stop it. You can help make the change and save the animals.”)

Language Use & Style

Strong voice is exhibited by the writer in the essay. (“The whole seal clubbing controversy ties into religion dramatically. People base their opinions of how to kill the animal on religion. It could be that the act of taking a life in itself is a bad thing to do, or there could be a better way to accomplish the killing of the seals. However, I find it sick to kill the seals in such a cold, heartless manner. What kind of twisted person enjoys, or rather, shrugs off such a cruel act? Who wouldn't be moved or heartbroken looking at the pictures of the blood-stained ice?”)

The writer uses varied sentences in the essay. (“This worldwide dispute is a huge problem today, and we must do our best to stop the murders. If no action takes place, the population of seals and the food chain may never be the same. If you would like to help stop this torture, all you have to do is spread the word on the brutality that goes on in Canada and other northern areas.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Clubbing to death is an inhuman way to kill living creatures. Why is it that livestock are shot or their throats are slit, yet seals get bashed until they lie cold on the ice? People argue whether or not clubbing is the ‘moral’ way to go about killing animals. The clubbers say that it's better than shooting them. I think that shooting is faster and less painful; yet, is there really a ‘moral’ way to kill animals, or is the concept itself just completely unethical?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Imagine yourself laying on a thick sheet of ice with your family, when, without warning, a large man trudges up to your mother seal with a spiky club and repeatedly bashes her over the head until she's bloody and no longer breathing. The man then carries her away. How would you feel as the seal? It's cruel and selfish to hurt living things for your own personal indulgence.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

School is out! You walk out the door of your ninth period English class after the bell rings, and your teacher yells behind you, "Don't forget the three summer reading books due in the fall." Why? Why would an English teacher yell that as we are thinking of all of the wonderful things we want to do? How about something like, "Have a great summer!"? That's too much to expect from a preparatory school though. School just never ends.

First, let's consider the few positive aspects of summer reading. Summer reading gives our next year's English class work for right when school starts out. Also, summer reading gives us a better vocabulary like almost all books do. I'll admit some summer reading books are enjoyable, but during the summer, they shouldn't be a forced priority of entertainment.

An average student's first priority in summer is usually to enjoy it. Anything could suffice, as long as it is our choice and what we want do. How can someone who does not enjoy reading become forced to stay indoors on a beautiful summer day? Can't the book wait? Shouldn't the book wait? Shouldn't exercise and outdoor activities be the first priority on a child's list? Apparently, it is not. Some children are held against their wills and must continue with their summer reading instead of enjoying the only few months they have off for break.

Another example of the evils of summer reading is that they simply remind us of one thing: school. Why must teachers attach students' future English classes with them over the summer? Is not a full year of their class fulfilling enough? Truthfully, I believe summer reading is used by teachers to keep students on track and focused on school away from school. What teachers don't understand is that for school to be a constant reminder over summer, children lose the meaning of the long break.

Lastly, summer reading takes time away from children that could be spending more time with their family and friends. To turn down an invitation to somewhere from a friend is a difficult task. It is just as difficult as giving up a family trip to continue with your summer reading. Summer reading causes distress in students’ lives, having to cancel long-awaited plans due to summer reading. Getting in the way of family and friend time, summer reading seems to create many problems in the summer in which people intend to enjoy.

If summer reading were eventually cancelled, I believe that summer would truly fulfill its definition. Summer is a time of enjoyment and sunny weather. For summer to be enjoyed to the fullest there should be little to no summer reading. Giving work over the summer, due in the fall, is a teacher's way of compressing part of their next year's curriculum into the once, long ago, enjoyable summer. Simply put, it is not right.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of summer reading to persuade readers. He/she is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a scenario experienced by many students at the end of each school year. (“School is out! You walk out the door of your ninth period English class after the bell rings, and your teacher yells behind you, ‘Don't forget the three summer reading books due in the fall.’ Why? Why would an English teacher yell that as we are thinking of all of the wonderful things we want to do? How about something like, ‘Have a great summer!’? That's too much to expect from a preparatory school though. School just never ends.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“An average student's first priority in summer is usually to enjoy it. Anything could suffice, as long as it is our choice and what we want do. How can someone who does not enjoy reading become forced to stay indoors on a beautiful summer day? Can't the book wait? Shouldn't the book wait? Shouldn't exercise and outdoor activities be the first priority on a child's list? Apparently, it is not. Some children are held against their wills and must continue with their summer reading instead of enjoying the only few months they have off for break.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Another example of the evils of summer reading is that they simply remind us of one thing: school. Why must teachers attach students' future English classes with them over the summer? Is not a full year of their class fulfilling enough? Truthfully, I believe summer reading is used by teachers to keep students on track and focused on school away from school. What teachers don't understand is that for school to be a constant reminder over summer, children lose the meaning of the long break.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the response. He/she develops arguments using sufficient relevant details to support the stated position. Notably, opposing points of view or counterarguments are acknowledged and addressed.

The writer acknowledges the counter view of the argument in the beginning of the essay. (“First, let's consider the few positive aspects of summer reading. Summer reading gives our next year's English class work for right when school starts out. Also, summer reading gives us a better vocabulary like almost all books do. I'll admit some summer reading books are enjoyable, but during the summer, they shouldn't be a forced priority of entertainment.”)

The writer’s method of questioning the reasoning behind summer reading is effective. (“An average student's first priority in summer is usually to enjoy it. Anything could suffice, as long as it is our choice and what we want do. How can someone who does not enjoy reading become forced to stay indoors on a beautiful summer day? Can't the book wait? Shouldn't the book wait? Shouldn't exercise and outdoor activities be the first priority on a child's list? Apparently, it is not. Some children are held against their wills and must continue with their summer reading instead of enjoying the only few months they have off for break.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Lastly, summer reading takes time away from children that could be spending more time with their family and friends. To turn down an invitation to somewhere from a friend is a difficult task. It is just as difficult as giving up a family trip to continue with your summer reading. Summer reading causes distress in students’ lives, having to cancel long-awaited plans due to summer reading. Getting in the way of family and friend time, summer reading seems to create many problems in the summer in which people intend to enjoy.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The use of paragraphing and subtle transitions keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

In the introduction, the writer describes a realistic scenario to capture the readers’ attention. (“School is out! You walk out the door of your ninth period English class after the bell rings, and your teacher yells behind you, ‘Don't forget the three summer reading books due in the fall.’ Why? Why would an English teacher yell that as we are thinking of all of the wonderful things we want to do? How about something like, "Have a great summer!’? That's too much to expect from a preparatory school though. School just never ends.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Another example of the evils of summer reading is that they simply remind us of one thing: school. Why must teachers attach students' future English classes with them over the summer? Is not a full year of their class fulfilling enough? Truthfully, I believe summer reading is used by teachers to keep students on track and focused on school away from school. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“If summer reading were eventually cancelled, I believe that summer would truly fulfill its definition. Summer is a time of enjoyment and sunny weather. For summer to be enjoyed to the fullest there should be little to no summer reading. Giving work over the summer, due in the fall, is a teacher's way of compressing part of their next year's curriculum into the once, long ago, enjoyable summer. Simply put, it is not right.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Another example of the evils of summer reading is that they simply remind us of one thing: school. Why must teachers attach students' future English classes with them over the summer? Is not a full year of their class fulfilling enough? Truthfully, I believe summer reading is used by teachers to keep students on track and focused on school away from school. What teachers don't understand is that for school to be a constant reminder over summer, children lose the meaning of the long break.”)

The writer creates many complex sentence structures in the essay. (“Summer reading causes distress in students’ lives, having to cancel long-awaited plans due to summer reading. Getting in the way of family and friend time, summer reading seems to create many problems in the summer in which people intend to enjoy.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“If summer reading were eventually cancelled, I believe that summer would truly fulfill its definition. Summer is a time of enjoyment and sunny weather. For summer to be enjoyed to the fullest there should be little to no summer reading. Giving work over the summer, due in the fall, is a teacher's way of compressing part of their next year's curriculum into the once, long ago, enjoyable summer. Simply put, it is not right.”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ An average student's first priority in summer is usually to enjoy it. Anything could suffice, as long as it is our choice and what we want do. How can someone who does not enjoy reading become forced to stay indoors on a beautiful summer day? Can't the book wait? Shouldn't the book wait? Shouldn't exercise and outdoor activities be the first priority on a child's list? Apparently, it is not. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Most teens now-a-days go out to the theatres, fast-food places, or even the mall, anywhere money is needed basically. The age for teenagers to get a job should be lowered to 13 years of age so that teenagers can have their own spending money and it could teach teens some very valuable lessons.

With this new lowering in the job age, teens could have their own spending money instead of asking for it, stealing it, or even at the worst selling drugs to get it. A few more reasons why the job age should be lowered to 13 is because a job will teach them about the responsibility they have when they get a job; having to show up every week, or every day, is teaching them that if they want something, money, they have to work for it. Getting a job at 13 will also teach teens the value of a dollar and how to spend their money wisely and how not to blow it on impulse "buys".

But some managers or employers might feel that the teens are unreliable to show up at the jobs or to listen. Managers/employers might think that teenagers would rather party or go to the theatres or somewhere with their friends than show up at their jobs. So, in the present time, there has also been a lot of crime in the streets with stealing, tagging, dealing drugs, gangs, and a bunch of other stuff which will make managers feel paranoid around the teens, thinking that the teens might steal from them or plan a robbery. Parents also might disagree with lowering the job age because they want to know how much money their child has and they want to know that their child isn't buying drugs or gambling, so that might be one of the many reasons why they don't want their teen to have a job.

So that's why the age for teens to get a job should be lowered to 13, so that the teens can learn some responsibility and the value of a dollar. But also, so they don't resort to stealing it or selling drugs to get it. Even though some managers might feel "paranoid" about letting teens in their store with access to all that money, the solution to that are references, call their schools and parents and see what kind of child he is so that you don't let a criminal work for you. As for the parent situation, tell your teen that you don't want them to get a job or just learn to trust your kid.

That's why the job age should be lowered to 13 years old.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about lowering the age requirement for teenagers seeking employment and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“Most teens now-a-days go out to the theatres, fast-food places, or even the mall, anywhere money is needed basically. The age for teenagers to get a job should be lowered to 13 years of age so that teenagers can have their own spending money and it could teach teens some very valuable lessons.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“With this new lowering in the job age, teens could have their own spending money instead of asking for it, stealing it, or even at the worst selling drugs to get it. A few more reasons why the job age should be lowered to 13 is because a job will teach them about the responsibility they have when they get a job; having to show up every week, or every day, is teaching them that if they want something, money, they have to work for it. Getting a job at 13 will also teach teens the value of a dollar and how to spend their money wisely and how not to blow it on impulse ‘buys’.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Parents also might disagree with lowering the job age because they want to know how much money their child has and they want to know that their child isn't buying drugs or gambling, so that might be one of the many reasons why they don't want their teen to have a job. So that's why the age for teens to get a job should be lowered to 13, so that the teens can learn some responsibility and the value of a dollar.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the stated position; however, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are relevant to the argument presented. (“A few more reasons why the job age should be lowered to 13 is because a job will teach them about the responsibility they have when they get a job; having to show up every week, or every day, is teaching them that if they want something, money, they have to work for it. Getting a job at 13 will also teach teens the value of a dollar and how to spend their money wisely and how not to blow it on impulse ‘buys’.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“So that's why the age for teens to get a job should be lowered to 13, so that the teens can learn some responsibility and the value of a dollar. But also, so they don't resort to stealing it or selling drugs to get it. Even though some managers might feel ‘paranoid’ about letting teens in their store with access to all that money, the solution to that are references, call their schools and parents and see what kind of child he is so that you don't let a criminal work for you. As for the parent situation, tell your teen that you don't want them to get a job or just learn to trust your kid.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“But some managers or employers might feel that the teens are unreliable to show up at the jobs or to listen. Managers/employers might think that teenagers would rather party or go to the theatres or somewhere with their friends than show up at their jobs. So, in the present time, there has also been a lot of crime in the streets with stealing, tagging, dealing drugs, gangs, and a bunch of other stuff which will make managers feel paranoid around the teens, thinking that the teens might steal from them or plan a robbery. Parents also might disagree with lowering the job age because they want to know how much money their child has and they want to know that their child isn't buying drugs or gambling, so that might be one of the many reasons why they don't want their teen to have a job.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization. The essay exhibits a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Most teens now-a-days go out to the theatres, fast-food places, or even the mall, anywhere money is needed basically. The age for teenagers to get a job should be lowered to 13 years of age so that teenagers can have their own spending money and it could teach teens some very valuable lessons.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Even though some managers might feel "paranoid" about letting teens in their store with access to all that money, the solution to that are references, call their schools and parents and see what kind of child he is so that you don't let a criminal work for you. As for the parent situation, tell your teen that you don't want them to get a job or just learn to trust your kid.”) Transitional words/phrases help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

Although the end of the essay reasserts the writer’s thesis, it is too brief and should summarize main points and give readers a sense of closure. (“That's why the job age should be lowered to 13 years old.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“So, in the present time, there has also been a lot of crime in the streets with stealing, tagging, dealing drugs, gangs, and a bunch of other stuff which will make managers feel paranoid around the teens, thinking that the teens might steal from them or plan a robbery. Parents also might disagree with lowering the job age because they want to know how much money their child has and they want to know that their child isn't buying drugs or gambling, so that might be one of the many reasons why they don't want their teen to have a job.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“With this new lowering in the job age, teens could have their own spending money instead of asking for it, stealing it, or even at the worst selling drugs to get it. A few more reasons why the job age should be lowered to 13 is because a job will teach them about the responsibility they have when they get a job; having to show up every week, or every day, is teaching them that if they want something, money, they have to work for it.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments throughout the essay. (“Getting a job at 13 will also teach teens the value of a dollar and how to spend their money wisely and how not to blow it on impulse ‘buys’. But some managers or employers might feel that the teens are unreliable to show up at the jobs or to listen. Managers/employers might think that teenagers would rather party or go to the theatres or somewhere with their friends than show up at their jobs.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ A few more reasons why the job age should be lowered to 13 is because a job will teach them about the responsibility they have when they get a job; having to show up every week, or every day, is teaching them that if they want something, money, they have to work for it.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

There should be more time in school because it would allow students and teachers more time to do the work in a stress free being. By stress free it means that there would be more time so theirs no need to rush things and end up doing it badly in the end. Also it would help to get more practice before any test or projects.

If we get more time in school what it would do is boost our scores up allot because teachers get the time to teach things that usually we don't get to learn much because of the amount of time we get in class, so when the Illinois Standard Achievement test come we get to pass with high scores and proud of our selves.

The advantages that the teachers get by having longer school days is more time to teach and to do the work so they could go home and spend time with their families. Also they get to see every child individually to see the one's need the most help in their classes and to get the student's prepared for real life situation's.

The advantages the student's get is more time to do the homework so it gives them time for any projects that they have to do at home. Also more time in school gives us an opportunity to be wide awake because from my own experiences I see students almost falling a sleep because we have to wake up from at time basis of 6:00 to 7:00 because of the regulations.

In conclusion we should have more time in school because their would be less stress because they would give the teachers and students time to work, The students better them selves by having better test scores, And the school gets a better reputation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of extending the school day but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, he/she demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“There should be more time in school because it would allow students and teachers more time to do the work in a stress free being. By stress free it means that there would be more time so theirs no need to rush things and end up doing it badly in the end. Also it would help to get more practice before any test or projects.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the stated opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“The advantages the student's get is more time to do the homework so it gives them time for any projects that they have to do at home. Also more time in school gives us an opportunity to be wide awake because from my own experiences I see students almost falling a sleep because we have to wake up from at time basis of 6:00 to 7:00 because of the regulations.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer shows awareness but neglects to address specific opposing viewpoints. (“Also more time in school gives us an opportunity to be wide awake because from my own experiences I see students almost falling a sleep because we have to wake up from at time basis of 6:00 to 7:00 because of the regulations. In conclusion we should have more time in school because their would be less stress because they would give the teachers and students time to work, The students better them selves by having better test scores, And the school gets a better reputation.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the argument for a longer school day. He/she does acknowledge readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay neglects to address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. By only discussing the positive effects of the idea, the argument is one-sided and unbalanced. (“The advantages that the teachers get by having longer school days is more time to teach and to do the work so they could go home and spend time with their families. Also they get to see every child individually to see the one's need the most help in their classes and to get the student's prepared for real life situation's.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“The advantages the student's get is more time to do the homework so it gives them time for any projects that they have to do at home. Also more time in school gives us an opportunity to be wide awake because from my own experiences I see students almost falling a sleep because we have to wake up from at time basis of 6:00 to 7:00 because of the regulations. ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for advocating a longer school day, it is not an effective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for an extended school day, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“If we get more time in school what it would do is boost our scores up allot because teachers get the time to teach things that usually we don't get to learn much because of the amount of time we get in class, so when the Illinois Standard Achievement test come we get to pass with high scores and proud of our selves.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by suggesting additional time during the school day to allow for less stress in the learning environment. (“There should be more time in school because it would allow students and teachers more time to do the work in a stress free being. By stress free it means that there would be more time so theirs no need to rush things and end up doing it badly in the end. Also it would help to get more practice before any test or projects.”)

Limited transitions are found between paragraphs and between sentences. Because of the limited use of transitional devices, the response lacks flow and sequence. (“If we get more time in school what it would do is boost our scores up allot because teachers get the time to teach things that usually we don't get to learn much because of the amount of time we get in class, so when the Illinois Standard Achievement test come we get to pass with high scores and proud of our selves. The advantages that the teachers get by having longer school days is more time to teach and to do the work so they could go home and spend time with their families.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not summarize arguments, leave readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“In conclusion we should have more time in school because their would be less stress because they would give the teachers and students time to work, The students better them selves by having better test scores, And the school gets a better reputation.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“There should be more time in school because it would allow students and teachers more time to do the work in a stress free being. By stress free it means that there would be more time so theirs no need to rush things and end up doing it badly in the end. Also it would help to get more practice before any test or projects.”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“The advantages that the teachers get by having longer school days is more time to teach and to do the work so they could go home and spend time with their families. Also they get to see every child individually to see the one's need the most help in their classes and to get the student's prepared for real life situation's.”)

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“If we get more time in school what it would do is boost our scores up allot because teachers get the time to teach things that usually we don't get to learn much because of the amount of time we get in class, so when the Illinois Standard Achievement test come we get to pass with high scores and proud of our selves.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“There should be more time in school because it would allow students and teachers more time to do the work in a stress free being. By stress free it means that there would be more time so theirs no need to rush things and end up doing it badly in the end. Also it would help to get more practice before any test or projects.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

So much danger, so much sickness, there is so much fires, tsunami, and so mmuch hurricanes.There is so much global warming and so much bad things happening to our world. There is so much global warming in this planet and mostly all humans dont even care and are okay with it, I'm not okay with it.

First of all their is much danger to our planet that it could even effect us. Some people don't think that this could effect us, it could get people sick. Some of my friends had gotten sick with all the bad damages that are flowing with the air that we breath in. Some of my friends get sick and breath in something their not suppose to. This is the most important reason why we should stop poluting our planet. People dont believe that using hair spray and bad smoke like fires are destroying our ozone layer

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of global warming. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“So much danger, so much sickness, there is so much fires, tsunami, and so mmuch hurricanes.There is so much global warming and so much bad things happening to our world. There is so much global warming in this planet and mostly all humans dont even care and are okay with it, I'm not okay with it.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ Some people don't think that this could effect us, it could get people sick. Some of my friends had gotten sick with all the bad damages that are flowing with the air that we breath in. Some of my friends get sick and breath in something their not suppose to. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“This is the most important reason why we should stop poluting our planet. People dont believe that using hair spray and bad smoke like fires are destroying our ozone layer”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to argue his/her stance on the position of global warming. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the stated position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ First of all their is much danger to our planet that it could even effect us. Some people don't think that this could effect us, it could get people sick. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ Some of my friends get sick and breath in something their not suppose to. This is the most important reason why we should stop poluting our planet. ”)

Organization

The essay presents minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“So much danger, so much sickness, there is so much fires, tsunami, and so mmuch hurricanes.There is so much global warming and so much bad things happening to our world. There is so much global warming in this planet and mostly all humans dont even care and are okay with it, I'm not okay with it.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ First of all their is much danger to our planet that it could even effect us. Some people don't think that this could effect us, it could get people sick. Some of my friends had gotten sick with all the bad damages that are flowing with the air that we breath in. Some of my friends get sick and breath in something their not suppose to. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“This is the most important reason why we should stop poluting our planet. People dont believe that using hair spray and bad smoke like fires are destroying our ozone layer”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs short, choppy sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“So much danger, so much sickness, there is so much fires, tsunami, and so mmuch hurricanes.There is so much global warming and so much bad things happening to our world. There is so much global warming in this planet and mostly all humans dont even care and are okay with it, I'm not okay with it.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of global warming. (“First of all their is much danger to our planet that it could even effect us. Some people don't think that this could effect us, it could get people sick. Some of my friends had gotten sick with all the bad damages that are flowing with the air that we breath in. Some of my friends get sick and breath in something their not suppose to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization and many words are spelled incorrectly. Additionally, there are short, choppy, repetitive sentences and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“ First of all their is much danger to our planet that it could even effect us. Some people don't think that this could effect us, it could get people sick. Some of my friends had gotten sick with all the bad damages that are flowing with the air that we breath in. ”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I believe that family's in the United States should not be seperated just cause their illigal, all illigal immigrants who are here come hear to work, and earn the money they could'nt earn when they were in their country.They also come hear so that thier kids could have a better life and education.Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on an issue but fails to include detailed supporting arguments. (“ I believe that family's in the United States should not be seperated just cause their illigal,… ”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the essay does not exhibit appropriate language. (“Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ I believe that family's in the United States should not be seperated just cause their illigal, all illigal immigrants who are here come hear to work, and earn the money they could'nt earn when they were in their country. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments on the issue of illegal immigration. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

Since this one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“I believe that family's in the United States should not be seperated just cause their illigal, all illigal immigrants who are here come hear to work, and earn the money they could'nt earn when they were in their country.They also come hear so that thier kids could have a better life and education.Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“They also come hear so that thier kids could have a better life and education.Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I believe that family's in the United States should not be seperated just cause their illigal, all illigal immigrants who are here come hear to work, and earn the money they could'nt earn when they were in their country. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ They also come hear so that thier kids could have a better life and education. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about as it draws to a close. (“Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I believe that family's in the United States should not be seperated just cause their illigal, all illigal immigrants who are here come hear to work, and earn the money they could'nt earn when they were in their country. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. (“They also come hear so that thier kids could have a better life and education.Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“They also come hear so that thier kids could have a better life and education.Some people think that illigal immigrants come to the United States to destrot their city's.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Animal Abuse Laws

Many citizens believe that America ’s animal cruelty laws are not tough enough and that people who participate in illegal animal fighting or other forms of animal abuse should be treated in the same manner as those who abuse humans. Do you believe that the consequences for severe animal abuse should be the same as for human abuse?

In a well-developed essay, articulate your position on this issue. Be sure to provide specific reasons and examples to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Are laws for animal abuse less severe than they are for human abuse? Do you think that the punishment for human abuse should be the same as the consequences for animal abuse? Animal abuse should be more widely thought about and be punished severely. There should be a special organization to govern and help stop animal abuse. One reason why punishment for severe animal abuse should be the same for human abuse is because animal abuse has lead to the deaths of many innocent animals. Killing an animal for your own personal gain totally violates human morality. Second, it is illegal to abuse an animal or kill it inhumanely. In China , people there skin animals after whacking them with sticks or clubs! Some animals might even still be alive after the skinning process, writhing in pain, just waiting to die! Third, animal cruelty, like any other form of violence, is often committed by a person who feels powerless, unnoticed, and under the control of others. That person may abuse animals to shock, threaten, intimidate, or offend others or to demonstrate rejection of society’s rules. Truly, they do not really want to hurt animals, do they? The alternative thought seems unfathomable to me.

To begin, killing animals for no reason could change an ecosystem. For example, everything is interconnected in an ecosystem. Killing or scaring off animals could break a food web in the ecosystem which in turn, could destroy the ecosystem. The ecosystem is what we depend on. Next, besides killing innocent animals as though they had no life, you could treat them as a friend who helps you and loves you. Instead of earning some cash, you could earn something you may have never experienced before, perhaps loyalty or friendship. A dog possibly might save your life in a life or death situation. As Confucius said, "Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it." Lastly, killing animals could possibly make them extinct. A long time ago, so many crocodiles were killed for their skins that certain species of them became extinct. Another example includes the Dodo, which had been extinct since the seventeenth century. Killing animals not only affects us, but it also affects everyone in the global community.

Moving on, it is illegal to abuse an animal. As the California law says, "Except as provided in subdivision (c) of this section or Section 599c, every person who maliciously and intentionally maims, mutilates, tortures, or wounds a living animal, or maliciously and intentionally kills an animal, is guilty of an offense punishable by imprisonment in the state prison, or by a fine of not more than twenty thousand dollars ($20,000), or by both the fine and imprisonment, or, alternatively, by imprisonment in a county jail for not more than one year, or by a fine of not more than twenty thousand dollars ($20,000), or by both the fine and imprisonment." Illegally abusing animals could land you in a state facility for a very long time. For example, in the bloody and brutal sport of cockfighting, in which two roosters fight each other to the death, you could pay a fine of $5000 and go to jail for the maximum of one year if you are caught just watching the illegal and oftentimes, brutal “sport”. The spectators who are watching these events might not really think about the many animals that are being killed. People still go and watch animal fighting because there, they can bet against who is going to win. The gamblers hope they can make some extra cash. There, they could also have entertainment by watching animals fight. One example is the game called bull baiting. In this fight, the bulldog has to bite the opposing bull in the nose and hang on, without ever letting go of his hold on the bull. These dogs could retain their holds even after their entrails have been torn out. The dogs often bleed to death from wounds received from the competing bull. Finally, people watch animals being abused because they copy things they have seen or that have been done to them. Suppose a dad watches animal fighting and takes his kids along to see what it is like. There, the kids see their dad betting money and watching animals get killed, laughing about it all the while. This might give the children a clear cue that animal abuse is okay and is for entertainment. When they grow up, they may get involved in the same activities, thus the cycle of abuse continues into the next generation.

Finally, most people who abuse animals may not really want to do it. One reason they do it is for money. A lot of people in China are very poor. By selling animal furs, they can make a lot of money because of the increasing demands for the fur. Next, people abuse animals so that they can make themselves more powerful. They might abuse animals to control another person or animal. Others see harming an animal as a safe way to get revenge on someone who cares about that animal. For example, a husband might hurt the family’s pet to show his wife what he could do to her, if she doesn’t obey his commands. Someone else might make his dog kill other dogs because he thinks that makes him powerful. Finally, people who hurt animals intentionally are the worst. These are people who intentionally hurt animals because they enjoy hurting things, or because it makes them feel powerful. Many of these people would rather hurt other people instead, but choose only to hurt animals, because animals are helpless and the perpetrators are easily able to get away with.

In conclusion, animal abuse is something that should be taken very seriously. The punishments to it must be as severe as human abuse for many animals may continue to be hurt. First, you would not kill an innocent animal for their own gain; second, it is illegal for animal abuse or any animal fighting, and last, people who abuse animals may not really want to do it. You might say, "Our rules for animal abuse are quite severe already." You may be right, but there are a lot of places without even one law in place for animal abuse. Such places include Mexico , China , and other countries. Although the laws for animal abuse may be strong, they are not necessarily severe enough to stop poachers or hunters from killing animals. Hundreds of pandas have been killed for of their prized furs. Now, they are almost extinct. If you think laws for animal abuse shouldn’t be as severe as they are for human abuse, think again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning and conveys a message that clearly reflects the objectives of the writing task. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position on the argument of the severity or lack thereof of animal abuse laws in our country and around the world to effectively persuade readers. The response demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer successfully completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. In this case, the writer poses questions that put the readers into a mind-set of what the argument will address. (“ Are laws for animal abuse less severe than they are for human abuse? Do you think that the punishment for human abuse should be the same as the consequences for animal abuse? Animal abuse should be more widely thought about and be punished severely.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the argument and the writer’s opinion. (“ One reason why punishment for severe animal abuse should be the same for human abuse is because animal abuse has lead to the deaths of many innocent animals. Killing an animal for your own personal gain totally violates human morality. Second, it is illegal to abuse an animal or kill it inhumanely. In China , people there skin animals after whacking them with sticks or clubs! Some animals might even still be alive after the skinning process, writhing in pain, just waiting to die! Third, animal cruelty, like any other form of violence, is often committed by a person who feels powerless, unnoticed, and under the control of others.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about existing laws, prevalent and illegal gaming activities, and scientific information regarding animals and their extinctions. (“Moving on, it is illegal to abuse an animal. As the California law says, ‘Except as provided in subdivision (c) of this section or Section 599c, every person who maliciously and intentionally maims, mutilates, tortures, or wounds a living animal, or maliciously and intentionally kills an animal, is guilty of an offense punishable by imprisonment in the state prison, or by a fine of not more than twenty thousand dollars ($20,000), or by both the fine and imprisonment, or, alternatively, by imprisonment in a county jail for not more than one year, or by a fine of not more than twenty thousand dollars ($20,000), or by both the fine and imprisonment.’ Illegally abusing animals could land you in a state facility for a very long time.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer effectively develops arguments, using a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the animal abuse law debate. The response does address the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, but not in as much detail as it could have. However, the argument is strong, well rounded, and effectively communicates the writer’s message.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ You might say, ‘Our rules for animal abuse are quite severe already.’ You may be right, but there are a lot of places without even one law in place for animal abuse. Such places include Mexico , China , and other countries. Although the laws for animal abuse may be strong, they are not necessarily severe enough to stop poachers or hunters from killing animals. Hundreds of pandas have been killed for of their prized furs. Now, they are almost extinct.”)

The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ As Confucius said, ‘Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.’ Lastly, killing animals could possibly make them extinct. A long time ago, so many crocodiles were killed for their skins that certain species of them became extinct. Another example includes the Dodo, which had been extinct since the seventeenth century. Killing animals not only affects us, but it also affects everyone in the global community.”)

Details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including or challenging readers. (“ Although the laws for animal abuse may be strong, they are not necessarily severe enough to stop poachers or hunters from killing animals. Hundreds of pandas have been killed for of their prized furs. Now, they are almost extinct. If you think laws for animal abuse shouldn’t be as severe as they are for human abuse, think again.)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“ Illegally abusing animals could land you in a state facility for a very long time. For example, in the bloody and brutal sport of cockfighting, in which two roosters fight each other to the death, you could pay a fine of $5000 and go to jail for the maximum of one year if you are caught just watching the illegal and oftentimes, brutal ‘sport’.”)

Organization

The writer organizes his/her ideas very effectively in the essay response. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There are effective uses of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay response.

The essay’s introduction poses a question or gives an unusual or surprising statement to its readers. (“ Are laws for animal abuse less severe than they are for human abuse? Do you think that the punishment for human abuse should be the same as the consequences for animal abuse? Animal abuse should be more widely thought about and be punished severely.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to begin,” “next,” and “moving along” that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“ To begin, killing animals for no reason could change an ecosystem. For example, everything is interconnected in an ecosystem. Killing or scaring off animals could break a food web in the ecosystem which in turn, could destroy the ecosystem. The ecosystem is what we depend on. Next, besides killing innocent animals as though they had no life, you could treat them as a friend who helps you and loves you. Instead of earning some cash, you could earn something you may have never experienced before, perhaps loyalty or friendship.”)

The conclusion of the essay effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ Although the laws for animal abuse may be strong, they are not necessarily severe enough to stop poachers or hunters from killing animals. Hundreds of pandas have been killed for of their prized furs. Now, they are almost extinct. If you think laws for animal abuse shouldn’t be as severe as they are for human abuse, think again.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs very effective language use, voice, and style in the essay. Precise language and word choices are demonstrated, as well as a defined voice, and a clear sense of the writer’s intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the essay.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“ Third, animal cruelty, like any other form of violence, is often committed by a person who feels powerless, unnoticed, and under the control of others. That person may abuse animals to shock, threaten, intimidate, or offend others or to demonstrate rejection of society’s rules. Truly, they do not really want to hurt animals, do they? The alternative thought seems unfathomable to me.”)

The language and tone are consistent throughout the entire essay response. (“ Finally, most people who abuse animals may not really want to do it. One reason they do it is for money. A lot of people in China are very poor. By selling animal furs, they can make a lot of money because of the increasing demands for the fur. Next, people abuse animals so that they can make themselves more powerful. They might abuse animals to control another person or animal. Others see harming an animal as a safe way to get revenge on someone who cares about that animal.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling thesis statement of the essay. (“… animal abuse is something that should be taken very seriously. The punishments to it must be as severe as human abuse for many animals may continue to be hurt. First, you would not kill an innocent animal for their own gain; second, it is illegal for animal abuse or any animal fighting, and last, people who abuse animals may not really want to do it. You might say, ‘Our rules for animal abuse are quite severe already.’ You may be right, but there are a lot of places without even one law in place for animal abuse. Such places include Mexico , China , and other countries. Although the laws for animal abuse…”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling enhance the quality and overall effectiveness of the message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ These are people who intentionally hurt animals because they enjoy hurting things, or because it makes them feel powerful. Many of these people would rather hurt other people instead, but choose only to hurt animals, because animals are helpless and the perpetrators are easily able to get away with.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Animal abuse is worse then you think and finding out just how terrifying it is may just be a few clicks away. Animal abusers are all over the world, and on the internet, too. You can easily search pictures and videos of anti-animal abuse, showing us what really happens behind the scenes. Our laws on animal abuse are not strict enough. Animals receive cruel treatment for blatantly testing procedures for dangerous products. Animals never choose to be tortured, and all the pain and abuse can really kill their lives. If animals could see how they would be crudely abused by a selected group of wretched individuals in our society, they would never want to be born. Also, everyone has heard of criminals torturing and killing other humans and receiving dire consequences. Why doesn’t this occur with animals as well?

Your riding your bike and you fall because a small rock was in the way or you cut yourself while chopping vegetables. We’ve all felt pain in past situations, and most of us think it is unpleasant. Unlucky lab animals are forced to experience this abuse almost everyday. They feel ripped apart from unhealthy surgical procedures and are forced to take dangerous drugs and other substances. Would you like to always experience pain and feel medications diluting in your systems? No one gets to choose their lives when they’re born. If we could, everyone would be rich and that would destroy our economy. Life is unfair, but we should try to create an equal lifestyle for everyone and everything. Pets don’t deserve the suffering, but receive it for no reason at all. This is called abuse. Abuse is something everyone should try to stay away from.

Kidnapping, torture, and other abusive crimes are feared by many, including all species in nature. Each of those crimes result in major consequences, including long terms of incarceration, community service, and being known to the police. When cruel scientists and other human beings abuse animals, the government doesn’t really care, and no one is told. Animals should receive the equal justice humans do, and abusers should get the same consequences as other criminals.

Some people may disagree with my point of view. They may ask me, “Humans or animals?” as if asking, “Which would you rather test new products on?” My answer is neither, because animals don’t need to be tested. There are already many successful products that have not been tested on animals. Others disagreeing may say that a new unstable drug could be very valuable to mankind, but unsafe to test on humans, so animals would be the answer. I argue that animals and humans are not the same and the results of a new product on an animal can differ from the affects it might place on a human being.

Our laws on animal abuse should be stricter for our earth’s animals. The abuse our animals receive is really terrible. Animals don’t choose to be animals, and the legal effects on humans should change for animals, so that people will think twice before harming an animal’s body. Through all of this, I hope that the laws on animal abuse will become stricter, and the issue becomes well known to everyone. We all need to see how cruel and crazy this insanity, known as animal abuse, really is.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is good focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade readers of the writer’s point of view. The writer’s response to the prompt task demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The writer is effective in completing most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a surprising fact. (“ Animal abuse is worse then you think and finding out just how terrifying it is may just be a few clicks away. Animal abusers are all over the world, and on the internet, too. You can easily search pictures and videos of anti-animal abuse, showing us what really happens behind the scenes. Our laws on animal abuse are not strict enough.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ Unlucky lab animals are forced to experience this abuse almost everyday. They feel ripped apart from unhealthy surgical procedures and are forced to take dangerous drugs and other substances. Would you like to always experience pain and feel medications diluting in your systems? No one gets to choose their lives when they’re born. If we could, everyone would be rich and that would destroy our economy. Life is unfair, but we should try to create an equal lifestyle for everyone and everything. Pets don’t deserve the suffering, but receive it for no reason at all. This is called abuse. Abuse is something everyone should try to stay away from.”)

The writer maintains good focus by incorporating language that supports the thesis and fits the examples well. (“ Your riding your bike and you fall because a small rock was in the way or you cut yourself while chopping vegetables. We’ve all felt pain in past situations, and most of us think it is unpleasant. Unlucky lab animals are forced to experience this abuse almost everyday.”)

The writer uses appropriate words that are suitable for the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. This enhances the effectiveness of the intended message. (“ There are already many successful products that have not been tested on animals. Others disagreeing may say that a new unstable drug could be very valuable to mankind, but unsafe to test on humans, so animals would be the answer. I argue that animals and humans are not the same and the results of a new product on an animal can differ from the affects it might place on a human being.”)

Content & Development

The content and development in the essay are good. The writer develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the argument. The essay is also successful in clearly addressing readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ Some people may disagree with my point of view. They may ask me, ‘Humans or animals?’ as if asking, ‘Which would you rather test new products on?’ My answer is neither, because animals don’t need to be tested. There are already many successful products that have not been tested on animals. Others disagreeing may say that a new unstable drug could be very valuable to mankind, but unsafe to test on humans, so animals would be the answer. I argue that animals and humans are not the same and the results of a new product on an animal can differ from the affects it might place on a human being.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ Your riding your bike and you fall because a small rock was in the way or you cut yourself while chopping vegetables. We’ve all felt pain in past situations, and most of us think it is unpleasant. Unlucky lab animals are forced to experience this abuse almost everyday. They feel ripped apart from unhealthy surgical procedures and are forced to take dangerous drugs and other substances. Would you like to always experience pain and feel medications diluting in your systems? No one gets to choose their lives when they’re born.”)

The writer’s details are convincing and illustrate each main idea well. (“ Kidnapping, torture, and other abusive crimes are feared by many, including all species in nature. Each of those crimes result in major consequences, including long terms of incarceration, community service, and being known to the police. When cruel scientists and other human beings abuse animals, the government doesn’t really care, and no one is told. Animals should receive the equal justice humans do, and abusers should get the same consequences as other criminals.”)

Organization

The cohesive nature of the writer’s ideas reflects good organization in the essay. The writer provides a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices to enhance the overall flow of the writer’s main ideas and supporting details.

The writer’s introduction poses a question or gives an unusual or surprising statement to its readers. (“ Animal abuse is worse then you think and finding out just how terrifying it is may just be a few clicks away. Animal abusers are all over the world, and on the internet, too. You can easily search pictures and videos of anti-animal abuse, showing us what really happens behind the scenes. Our laws on animal abuse are not strict enough.”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ Animal abuse is worse then you think and finding out just how terrifying it is may just be a few clicks away. Animal abusers are all over the world, and on the internet, too. You can easily search pictures and videos of anti-animal abuse, showing us what really happens behind the scenes. Our laws on animal abuse are not strict enough. Animals receive cruel treatment for blatantly testing procedures for dangerous products. Animals never choose to be tortured, and all the pain and abuse can really kill their lives. If animals could see how they would be crudely abused by a selected group of wretched individuals in our society, they would never want to be born. Also, everyone has heard of criminals torturing and killing other humans and receiving dire consequences. Why doesn’t this occur with animals as well?”)

The writer uses clever ways to lead his/her readers from one idea or event to the next. (“ Your riding your bike and you fall because a small rock was in the way or you cut yourself while chopping vegetables. We’ve all felt pain in past situations, and most of us think it is unpleasant. Unlucky lab animals are forced to experience this abuse almost everyday.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ Our laws on animal abuse should be stricter for our earth’s animals. The abuse our animals receive is really terrible. Animals don’t choose to be animals, and the legal effects on humans should change for animals, so that people will think twice before harming an animal’s body. Through all of this, I hope that the laws on animal abuse will become stricter, and the issue becomes well known to everyone. We all need to see how cruel and crazy this insanity, known as animal abuse, really is.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good language use, voice, and style exhibited by the writer. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choices with evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s arguments.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“ There are already many successful products that have not been tested on animals. Others disagreeing may say that a new unstable drug could be very valuable to mankind, but unsafe to test on humans, so animals would be the answer. I argue that animals and humans are not the same and the results of a new product on an animal can differ from the affects it might place on a human being.”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or adds more details. (“ Some people may disagree with my point of view. They may ask me, ‘Humans or animals?’ as if asking, ‘Which would you rather test new products on?’ My answer is neither, because animals don’t need to be tested. There are already many successful products that have not been tested on animals. Others disagreeing may say that a new unstable drug could be very valuable to mankind, but unsafe to test on humans, so animals would be the answer. I argue that animals and humans are not the same and the results of a new product on an animal can differ from the affects it might place on a human being.”)

The language and tone are consistent with a persuasive argument. (“ Others disagreeing may say that a new unstable drug could be very valuable to mankind, but unsafe to test on humans, so animals would be the answer. I argue that animals and humans are not the same and the results of a new product on an animal can differ from the affects it might place on a human being. Our laws on animal abuse should be stricter for our earth’s animals. The abuse our animals receive is really terrible. Animals don’t choose to be animals, and the legal effects on humans should change for animals, so that people will think twice before harming an animal’s body.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are few to no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s intended message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Would you like to always experience pain and feel medications diluting in your systems? No one gets to choose their lives when they’re born. If we could, everyone would be rich and that would destroy our economy. Life is unfair, but we should try to create an equal lifestyle for everyone and everything. Pets don’t deserve the suffering, but receive it for no reason at all. This is called abuse. Abuse is something everyone should try to stay away from.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Animals are abused everyday. Dogs are kicked, cats are burned, and horses are left unfed. Animals are left abandoned. They are left having to fend for themselves without prior knowledge on how to survive. Animal cruelty should be severely punished.

The laws need to be stricter. After all, if some one can abuse animals what would prohibit them from abusing humans? To an animal lover, abusing animals is like abusing your own child. If someone has an animal in their care, they should take the responsibility to make sure it has everything it needs to survive and stay healthy. Animals should be fed and respected. Animals are just like humans.

Animals can feel pain. They can feel every punch, smack, shove, or burn. They kno w when they haven’t been fed. They feel the emptiness in their stomachs. Animals can feel the thirst that may never be quenched. Neglected animals are more susceptible to catching deadly diseases such as worms. Without treatment, they could be sitting in their own "death row."

Animals provide many services to the community. Some animals help people that can’t see or navigate. Dogs can be specially trained to detect humans in disastrous situations. Why abuse animals that could be valuable and beneficial to many people?

When animals are neglected or abused, they may become frightened or scared, just as a human would. If the abuse gets bad enough, the animals might cower away from people and be frightened to get near them. Why should people be able to get away with hurting such innocent animals?

Animals that are abused and neglected live in agony. Their furs become matted and dirty. They catch diseases that may never be treated. They don’t get exercise, so they become weak. They don’t get enough food or water so they don’t get the nutrients they need to survive. Animals shouldn’t have to live like this!

Some people may disagree with my point of view. They may think that animals are lower on the food chain and should therefore be treated like so. If people just stopped to think of how they would feel if they were misstreated as an animal, they would see things differentlly.

Laws should be stricter on the people that mistreat animals this way. They shouldn’t just be fined! They should have to spend time in jail. Mistreating animals needs to be considered the same as mistreating humans with the same consequences! In my opinion, animals should never be abused or neglected and something needs to be done about it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer establishes an opinion relevant to the argument posed in the writing task and adequately attempts to persuade the reader. The essay reveals a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and, as a result, completes many parts of the task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. The writer, however, should assert the thesis in the introductory paragraph, not in the concluding paragraph. (“ Laws should be stricter on the people that mistreat animals this way. They shouldn’t just be fined! They should have to spend time in jail. Mistreating animals needs to be considered the same as mistreating humans with the same consequences! In my opinion, animals should never be abused or neglected and something needs to be done about it!”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ Animals that are abused and neglected live in agony. Their furs become matted and dirty. They catch diseases that may never be treated. They don’t get exercise, so they become weak. They don’t get enough food or water so they don’t get the nutrients they need to survive. Animals shouldn’t have to live like this!”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples. (“ Animals provide many services to the community. Some animals help people that can’t see or navigate. Dogs can be specially trained to detect humans in disastrous situations. Why abuse animals that could be valuable and beneficial to many people?”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her intended audience. The writer is successful in avoiding word choices that reflect the use of slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language.

(“ When animals are neglected or abused, they may become frightened or scared, just as a human would. If the abuse gets bad enough, the animals might cower away from people and be frightened to get near them. Why should people be able to get away with hurting such innocent animals?”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer ’s position Adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing, clear, correct, and specific. (“ Animals can feel pain. They can feel every punch, smack, shove, or burn. They know when they haven’t been fed. They feel the emptiness in their stomachs. Animals can feel the thirst that may never be quenched. Neglected animals are more susceptible to catching deadly diseases such as worms. Without treatment, they could be sitting in their own ‘death row.’ Animals provide many services to the community. Some animals help people that can’t see or navigate. Dogs can be specially trained to detect humans in disastrous situations. Why abuse animals that could be valuable and beneficial to many people?”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ When animals are neglected or abused, they may become frightened or scared, just as a human would. If the abuse gets bad enough, the animals might cower away from people and be frightened to get near them. Why should people be able to get away with hurting such innocent animals? Animals that are abused and neglected live in agony. Their furs become matted and dirty. They catch diseases that may never be treated. They don’t get exercise, so they become weak. They don’t get enough food or water so they don’t get the nutrients they need to survive. Animals shouldn’t have to live like this!”)

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people may disagree with my point of view. They may think that animals are lower on the food chain and should therefore be treated like so. If people just stopped to think of how they would feel if they were misstreated as an animal, they would see things differentlly.”)

Organization

The essay exhibits adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent evidence of paragraphing, but the use of transitional devices is inadequate. Implementing transitional devices from the MY Access! Word Bank would serve to enhance the flow and sequential development of ideas within the essay.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“ Animals are abused everyday. Dogs are kicked, cats are burned, and horses are left unfed. Animals are left abandoned. They are left having to fend for themselves without prior knowledge on how to survive. Animal cruelty should be severely punished.”)

The essay includes some transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. However, the writer should employ additional transitions to enhance the connections between main ideas and supporting details. (“ The laws need to be stricter. After all, if some one can abuse animals what would prohibit them from abusing humans? To an animal lover, abusing animals is like abusing your own child.”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“ Animals can feel pain. They can feel every punch, smack, shove, or burn. They know when they haven’t been fed. They feel the emptiness in their stomachs. Animals can feel the thirst that may never be quenched. Neglected animals are more susceptible to catching deadly diseases such as worms. Without treatment, they could be sitting in their own ‘death row.’”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“ Laws should be stricter on the people that mistreat animals this way. They shouldn’t just be fined! They should have to spend time in jail. Mistreating animals needs to be considered the same as mistreating humans with the same consequences! In my opinion, animals should never be abused or neglected and something needs to be done about it!”)

Language Use & Style

There is adequate use of language, voice, and style on behalf of the writer in the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, along with an awareness of his/her intended audience. In addition, control of voice is clearly evident. The essay generally provides correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The laws need to be stricter. After all, if some one can abuse animals what would prohibit them from abusing humans? To an animal lover, abusing animals is like abusing your own child. If someone has an animal in their care, they should take the responsibility to make sure it has everything it needs to survive and stay healthy. Animals should be fed and respected. Animals are just like humans.”)

Word choices are appropriate for the argument being presented in the response. (“ When animals are neglected or abused, they may become frightened or scared, just as a human would. If the abuse gets bad enough, the animals might cower away from people and be frightened to get near them. Why should people be able to get away with hurting such innocent animals?”)

The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“ Animals that are abused and neglected live in agony. Their furs become matted and dirty. They catch diseases that may never be treated. They don’t get exercise, so they become weak. They don’t get enough food or water so they don’t get the nutrients they need to survive. Animals shouldn’t have to live like this! Some people may disagree with my point of view. They may think that animals are lower on the food chain and should therefore be treated like so. If people just stopped to think of how they would feel if they were misstreated as an animal, they would see things differentlly. Laws should be stricter on the people that mistreat animals this way. They shouldn’t just be fined! They should have to spend time in jail. Mistreating animals needs to be considered the same as mistreating humans with the same consequences! In my opinion, animals should never be abused or neglected and something needs to be done about it!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer provides adequate control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. Errors, if any, in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling do not interfere with the communication of the writer’s intended message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ When animals are neglected or abused, they may become frightened or scared, just as a human would. If the abuse gets bad enough, the animals might cower away from people and be frightened to get near them. Why should people be able to get away with hurting such innocent animals?”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I believe that animal cruelty is wrong. I believe this because animals should not be treated this way it’s inhumane. If an average person was caught betting on a dog fight they would probably only get a one year scentence. But if people were gathered around betting on two people in an arena with knives fighting each other they would all get scentenced to twenty-five years to life. In my opinion that’s not right.

If people bet on other people fighting and they get a twenty-five year scentence and if people were betting on a dog fight they should atleast get a five year sentence. If someone gets caught for betting on a dog fight and they only get a one year sentence chances are that going to bet on other dog fight when they get out of jail again. Dogs don’t deserve to get treated that way. Being cruel to animals is not only inhumane but utterly disgusting.

Just recently a celebrity was caught with a dog fighting pit in his yard. Because he had so much money all he had to do was pay a 10,000 dollar fine. If it was just your average person that had a dog fighting pit in their yard they probably couldn’t get that amount of moner so they would have to go to jail to for about a year maybe longer. It’s also not fair that people that have more money than other people get out of jail before they should ecause they’re just going to do it again.

Some people know about animal cruelty but come forward and tell authorities, but if they did they could save at least a couple hundred dogs.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides a limited amount of focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer states an opinion, but his/her arguments may be unclear or underdeveloped. The essay response reflects a limited understanding of the purpose and audience on the part of the writer. However, the essay does manage to satisfy some parts of the writing task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and the intended audience. (“I believe that animal cruelty is wrong. I believe this because animals should not be treated this way it’s inhumane.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by neglecting to use persuasive language choices that would attempt to convince or persuade the reader of the writer’s viewpoint. (“If an average person was caught betting on a dog fight they would probably only get a one year scentence. But if people were gathered around betting on two people in an arena with knives fighting each other they would all get scentenced to twenty-five years to life. In my opinion that’s not right.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“I believe that animal cruelty is wrong. I believe this because animals should not be treated this way it’s inhumane.”)

Content & Development

The writer’s ability to develop arguments with supporting content is very limited in the essay response. The essay reveals glimpses into arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. In the response, the writer does not attempt to address the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. This only serves to lessen the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ If an average person was caught betting on a dog fight they would probably only get a one year scentence. But if people were gathered around betting on two people in an arena with knives fighting each other they would all get scentenced to twenty-five years to life. In my opinion that’s not right.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ Just recently a celebrity was caught with a dog fighting pit in his yard. Because he had so much money all he had to do was pay a 10,000 dollar fine. If it was just your average person that had a dog fighting pit in their yard they probably couldn’t get that amount of moner so they would have to go to jail to for about a year maybe longer.”)

Although some of the writer’s details are convincing, the essay response is too limited to produce a balanced argument. At least three topic sentences are needed to elaborate on the main argument of the essay. The essay needs three to five supporting details in each body paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. The essay fails to deliver on the content necessary to convey a meaningful response. (“ It’s also not fair that people that have more money than other people get out of jail before they should ecause they’re just going to do it again. Some people know about animal cruelty but come forward and tell authorities, but if they did they could save at least a couple hundred dogs.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of ideas in the task response. The writer demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but lacks effective paragraphing and transitional devices to make this more than just a limited response.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. The introduction does not attempt to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook readers. (“I believe that animal cruelty is wrong. I believe this because animals should not be treated this way it’s inhumane.”)

The writer’s introduction does manage to provide some background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ If an average person was caught betting on a dog fight they would probably only get a one year scentence. But if people were gathered around betting on two people in an arena with knives fighting each other they would all get scentenced to twenty-five years to life.”)

The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. Additionally, transitions were not included between paragraphs and between sentences to promote flow and sequential development of the writer’s arguments.

(“If people bet on other people fighting and they get a twenty-five year scentence and if people were betting on a dog fight they should atleast get a five year sentence. If someone gets caught for betting on a dog fight and they only get a one year sentence chances are that going to bet on other dog fight when they get out of jail again. Dogs don’t deserve to get treated that way.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. It neither restates the argument of the essay, nor does it leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. Nowhere in the conclusion does the writer attempt to convince readers with a summation of restated arguments. (“Some people know about animal cruelty but come forward and tell authorities, but if they did they could save at least a couple hundred dogs.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay provides limited language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The essay relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank.) (“ If someone gets caught for betting on a dog fight and they only get a one year sentence chances are that going to bet on other dog fight when they get out of jail again. Dogs don’t deserve to get treated that way. Being cruel to animals is not only inhumane but utterly disgusting.”)

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“ If people bet on other people fighting and they get a twenty-five year scentence and if people were betting on a dog fight they should atleast get a five year sentence.”)

Some sentences in the essay are too short. (“ In my opinion that’s not right.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“ If people bet on other people fighting and they get a twenty-five year scentence and if people were betting on a dog fight they should atleast get a five year sentence. If someone gets caught for betting on a dog fight and they only get a one year sentence chances are that going to bet on other dog fight when they get out of jail again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits limited control of mechanics and conventions in the task response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that could interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay should always have subject/verb agreement, correct punctuation, capitalization, and usage. The writer should proof for spelling and any other writing errors. (“If it was just your average person that had a dog fighting pit in their yard they probably couldn’t get that amount of moner so they would have to go to jail to for about a year maybe longer. It’s also not fair that people that have more money than other people get out of jail before they should ecause they’re just going to do it again.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that animal abuse is just plane wrong. We should put people in prison for life because they think killing dogs or other animals is very amusing. People think it is fun until they end up in jail. This reminds me of someone that played professional football, Michael Vick. At this point he is still in jail.

There are people out there that still do that for fun even though they see someone on tv go to jail. Even if they could get in to trouble they would do it anyways, they just don’t care. There are people that don’t kill dogs but they still bet on them, and you can get into the same amount of trouble betting or just watching.

There are people out there that doesn’t just do that to dogs.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning toward the argument presented in the writing task. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis relating to the persuasive argument presented. There is a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and the essay satisfies few parts of the writing task.

The essay does not state a clearly-defined opinion that reflects the issue in the writing task. The writer reveals thoughts about the issue being wrong, but never addresses the argument for equal punishment for animal and human abuse cases. (“I think that animal abuse is just plane wrong. We should put people in prison for life because they think killing dogs or other animals is very amusing.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by neglecting to include language that reflects the persuasive nature of the writing task. The writer misses opportunities to incorporate persuasive terms in his/her writing to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“We should put people in prison for life because they think killing dogs or other animals is very amusing. People think it is fun until they end up in jail.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I think that animal abuse is just plane wrong. We should put people in prison for life because they think killing dogs or other animals is very amusing. People think it is fun until they end up in jail. This reminds me of someone that played professional football, Michael Vick. At this point he is still in jail.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of main ideas in the essay are minimal. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position. The writer should have considered the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments in the response.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“I think that animal abuse is just plane wrong. We should put people in prison for life because they think killing dogs or other animals is very amusing. People think it is fun until they end up in jail.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Because of this, the details are minimal to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I think that animal abuse is just plane wrong. We should put people in prison for life because they think killing dogs or other animals is very amusing. People think it is fun until they end up in jail. This reminds me of someone that played professional football, Michael Vick. At this point he is still in jail.”)

The writer neglects to include important details (including specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“There are people that don’t kill dogs but they still bet on them, and you can get into the same amount of trouble betting or just watching. There are people out there that doesn’t just do that to dogs.”)

Organization

The organization of the ideas in the essay is very minimal. The writer demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices employed in the essay response.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction and does little to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. (“I think that animal abuse is just plane wrong. We should put people in prison for life because they think killing dogs or other animals is very amusing. People think it is fun until they end up in jail.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs, and transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“This reminds me of someone that played professional football, Michael Vick. At this point he is still in jail. There are people out there that still do that for fun even though they see someone on tv go to jail. Even if they could get in to trouble they would do it anyways, they just don’t care.”) Supporting paragraphs are needed, with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion and does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“There are people that don’t kill dogs but they still bet on them, and you can get into the same amount of trouble betting or just watching. There are people out there that doesn’t just do that to dogs.”)

Language Use & Style

There is minimal language use, voice, and style exhibited by the writer in the task response. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, along with little awareness of his/her intended audience. The essay also reveals basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive, persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank.) (“ I think that animal abuse is just plane wrong. We should put people in prison for life because they think killing dogs or other animals is very amusing.”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“ There are people out there that still do that for fun even though they see someone on tv go to jail. Even if they could get in to trouble they would do it anyways, they just don’t care.”) The writer can use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ Even if they could get in to trouble they would do it anyways, they just don’t care. There are people that don’t kill dogs but they still bet on them, and you can get into the same amount of trouble betting or just watching.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer should be sure that the sentences in the essay contain subject/verb agreement, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and provide correct spelling and usage of chosen words. (“There are people out there that doesn’t just do that to dogs.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I know that Americas ’ animals have been abused for 5 to 6 years. I know that all the animals get abused for no reason. People who abuse animals should get the same punishment as the people who hurt people.

The animals are not doing anything to us and they are getting killed for no reason. That is so sad because I don’t think that is right.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates an effort to state his/her position, but provides very few to no supporting details that would persuade the intended audience to consider the writer’s arguments. In essence, the response satisfies few or no parts of the task.

The essay states a position about the issue, but does not offer supporting body paragraphs to persuade readers with main ideas to support the writer’s point of view. (“People who abuse animals should get the same punishment as the people who hurt people. The animals are not doing anything to us and they are getting killed for no reason.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not use language that would be appropriate for the purposes of persuading readers to the writer’s viewpoint. (“That is so sad because I don’t think that is right.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I know that Americas ’ animals have been abused for 5 to 6 years. I know that all the animals get abused for no reason. People who abuse animals should get the same punishment as the people who hurt people.”)

Content & Development

The content and development in the essay are inadequate. The writer makes little or no attempt to use details to support the arguments for his/her position on whether animal abuse laws should be as tough as they are for human abuse cases. In addition, the response does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“ People who abuse animals should get the same punishment as the people who hurt people. The animals are not doing anything to us and they are getting killed for no reason. That is so sad because I don’t think that is right.”)

There are no main ideas in body paragraphs used to persuade readers to commit to the writer’s point of view. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“ I know that Americas ’ animals have been abused for 5 to 6 years. I know that all the animals get abused for no reason. People who abuse animals should get the same punishment as the people who hurt people. The animals are not doing anything to us and they are getting killed for no reason. That is so sad because I don’t think that is right.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“ I know that Americas ’ animals have been abused for 5 to 6 years. I know that all the animals get abused for no reason.”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates little evidence of structure with no definitive introduction or conclusion. There is no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices to make the response effective and cohesive.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The introduction does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook readers. (“I know that Americas ’ animals have been abused for 5 to 6 years. I know that all the animals get abused for no reason. People who abuse animals should get the same punishment as the people who hurt people.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“The animals are not doing anything to us and they are getting killed for no reason. That is so sad because I don’t think that is right.”) Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. It does not restate the argument of the essay, leave readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“The animals are not doing anything to us and they are getting killed for no reason. That is so sad because I don’t think that is right.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits inadequate language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“ The animals are not doing anything to us and they are getting killed for no reason. That is so sad because I don’t think that is right.”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer used only one persuasive word in the essay when incorporating the word “should” into the essay. (“ People who abuse animals should get the same punishment as the people who hurt people.”)

The writer can use the MY Access! Word Bank to discover additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe opinions, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is so brief, the demonstration of control of mechanics and conventions is difficult to determine. At best, the response is inadequate. Oftentimes, at this score-point level, the errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer needs to be sure that the essay is proofed for correct mechanics and conventions. The writer should be sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“The animals are not doing anything to us and they are getting killed for no reason. That is so sad because I don’t think that is right.”)

As always, the writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Animal Testing

Cosmetic and drug companies continually face opposition due to the fact that they use animals for the testing of their products. Some feel that this procedure goes against the rights which are given to all living beings, including animals, while others see the positive impact that animal testing brings to the lives of human beings.

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you state and defend your position. Be sure to include specific details and examples to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Animal testing has been a controversial subject for quite a while; however, the dilemma about its ban is a very simple matter. When our nation's Constitution was written, it was not only directed towards the people of America. I believe that our founding fathers meant for these rights to be given to all living beings, and by testing products on animals, these creatures are being robbed of their well-deserved rights. Next, cosmetics and drugs that are tested on these critters may possibly be toxic or harmful, and animals are put in danger by being the test subjects of these hazardous materials. Finally, studies have shown that animal testing is not always accurate or conclusive because the stress lab animals endure can cause negative reactions to foreign substances. Animal testing is immoral and unlawful, and the practice of these unjust procedures must end.

Since the American Constitution was devised, the document has clearly stated that there are rights all living beings are entitled to. As animals are indeed living beings, they do not deserve to be mistreated during animal testing processes. By experimenting with possibly hazardous materials such as cosmetics and supposed medical treatments, animals are being denied their given rights. In order to correct this injustice, animal experimentation must be banned from our society. There is a clear set of rights administered to every creature, and the animal testing practice steals those rights from the critters involved, explains PETA president John Smith. This cruelty is unacceptable and must be brought to an end.

A study conducted in 2005 by the National Animal Protection Society took a major jab at animal testing by taking a careful examination of the process and the results. After months of research, a shocking conclusion was finally announced. The scientists handling the case found that during lab testing, seventy-two percent of chemicals or other substances being analyzed are fatal or hazardous to the innocent creatures involved. Further studies proved that over forty percent of these animals are severely harmed by the perilous materials. Animals are made susceptible to all sorts of permanent damage during these experimental sessions, and those lives can no longer be risked. All animal testing must be banished for the benefit of every living being on earth.

"As animals are held captive in laboratories, certain natural events can interfere with the results of the experiments being conducted," scientist Beth Sanders begins, "The critters are kept with horrendous living conditions. The creatures are torn apart from their mothers at birth, which incites a series of phases that are devastating to the well-being of the animal. The creature will soon begin to endure an overwhelming amount of stress and agony, and the poor feeding situations in the labs only exaggerate this problem." This startling bit of information was responsible for several investigations on the topic in 1999, when innovative animal rights activist Max Hewitt considered the influence the animals' conditions may have on the actual testing of the questionable products. The man found that the stress and starvation the lab animals endured swayed the results of eighty-four percent of the experiments, misleading scientists to inconclusive or alternate results in their studies. If animal testing interferes with the good of the experiments, then why is it still present in this country? It is time that this terrible practice is eliminated from the American society.

Undoubtedly, there are people who will oppose this view and believe that testing medicines and products on animals is the only viable option versus using human beings as test subjects. Most scientists and manufacturers would be hard pressed to find humans willing to undergo such testing at the risk of their own lives. This is indeed understandable. But given the modern advances in technologies, there has to be a way to test these products without putting any human or animal life at risk. In manipulating certain populations of species, the danger involves altering the delicate balance in nature and our environment. No product or medicine should be worth that!

For years, government officials have debated several different ways to approach animal testing; however, there is one simple solution. Animal testing must be made illegal in this nation. To begin, this procedure denies every involved creature of the rights promised to them at birth. Whether a being is of the human race or of another species, every living thing on the planet may not be denied freedom and safety. Also, this controversial process deals with substances that are usually hazardous and dangerous to the objects they are inflicted on. Animals react to these materials in several ways, but most of the time the creatures are harmed by these foreign entities.

In conclusion, several investigations have proven that the atrocious living conditions of laboratory animals influence the fate of the experiments in various ways. Each of these ways leads to inaccurate and incorrect studies and results. Animal testing is evil and unnecessary, and this horrid practice must be stopped at once.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion and supports the argument with relevant details. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“…studies have shown that animal testing is not always accurate or conclusive because the stress lab animals endure can cause negative reactions to foreign substances. Animal testing is immoral and unlawful, and the practice of these unjust procedures must end.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“This startling bit of information was responsible for several investigations on the topic in 1999, when innovative animal rights activist Max Hewitt considered the influence the animals' conditions may have on the actual testing of the questionable products. The man found that the stress and starvation the lab animals endured swayed the results of eighty-four percent of the experiments, misleading scientists to inconclusive or alternate results in their studies. If animal testing interferes with the good of the experiments, then why is it still present in this country? It is time that this terrible practice is eliminated from the American society.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that animal testing should be illegal in the United States. (“For years, government officials have debated several different ways to approach animal testing; however, there is one simple solution. Animal testing must be made illegal in this nation. To begin, this procedure denies every involved creature of the rights promised to them at birth. Whether a being is of the human race or of another species, every living thing on the planet may not be denied freedom and safety. Also, this controversial process deals with substances that are usually hazardous and dangerous to the objects they are inflicted on. Animals react to these materials in several ways, but most of the time the creatures are harmed by these foreign entities.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development by u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of animal testing. Additionally, the essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Undoubtedly, there are people who will oppose this view and believe that testing medicines and products on animals is the only viable option versus using human beings as test subjects. Most scientists and manufacturers would be hard pressed to find humans willing to undergo such testing at the risk of their own lives. This is indeed understandable. But given the modern advances in technologies, there has to be a way to test these products without putting any human or animal life at risk. In manipulating certain populations of species, the danger involves altering the delicate balance in nature and our environment. No product or medicine should be worth that!”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“A study conducted in 2005 by the National Animal Protection Society took a major jab at animal testing by taking a careful examination of the process and the results. After months of research, a shocking conclusion was finally announced. The scientists handling the case found that during lab testing, seventy-two percent of chemicals or other substances being analyzed are fatal or hazardous to the innocent creatures involved. Further studies proved that over forty percent of these animals are severely harmed by the perilous materials. Animals are made susceptible to all sorts of permanent damage during these experimental sessions, and those lives can no longer be risked. All animal testing must be banished for the benefit of every living being on earth.”)

Citing individuals in the science community gives the response credibility. (“‘As animals are held captive in laboratories, certain natural events can interfere with the results of the experiments being conducted,’ scientist Beth Sanders begins, ‘The critters are kept with horrendous living conditions. The creatures are torn apart from their mothers at birth, which incites a series of phases that are devastating to the well-being of the animal. The creature will soon begin to endure an overwhelming amount of stress and agony, and the poor feeding situations in the labs only exaggerate this problem.’”)

Organization

In the introduction, the writer reflects on the intentions of our country’s forefathers to capture readers’ attention. (“Animal testing has been a controversial subject for quite a while; however, the dilemma about its ban is a very simple matter. When our nation's Constitution was written, it was not only directed towards the people of America. I believe that our founding fathers meant for these rights to be given to all living beings, and by testing products on animals, these creatures are being robbed of their well-deserved rights.”)

The writer uses strong transitions to help move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Since the American Constitution was devised, the document has clearly stated that there are rights all living beings are entitled to. As animals are indeed living beings, they do not deserve to be mistreated during animal testing processes. By experimenting with possibly hazardous materials such as cosmetics and supposed medical treatments, animals are being denied their given rights. In order to correct this injustice, animal experimentation must be banned from our society.”)

The conclusion is brief but gives readers a sense of closure. (“In conclusion, several investigations have proven that the atrocious living conditions of laboratory animals influence the fate of the experiments in various ways. Each of these ways leads to inaccurate and incorrect studies and results. Animal testing is evil and unnecessary, and this horrid practice must be stopped at once.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language effectively to argue the stated position. (“Undoubtedly, there are people who will oppose this view and believe that testing medicines and products on animals is the only viable option versus using human beings as test subjects. Most scientists and manufacturers would be hard pressed to find humans willing to undergo such testing at the risk of their own lives. This is indeed understandable. But given the modern advances in technologies, there has to be a way to test these products without putting any human or animal life at risk. In manipulating certain populations of species, the danger involves altering the delicate balance in nature and our environment.”)

The writer uses varied sentences and sophisticated word choices to enhance the overall message. (“After months of research, a shocking conclusion was finally announced. The scientists handling the case found that during lab testing, seventy-two percent of chemicals or other substances being analyzed are fatal or hazardous to the innocent creatures involved. Further studies proved that over forty percent of these animals are severely harmed by the perilous materials. Animals are made susceptible to all sorts of permanent damage during these experimental sessions, and those lives can no longer be risked.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“This startling bit of information was responsible for several investigations on the topic in 1999, when innovative animal rights activist Max Hewitt considered the influence the animals' conditions may have on the actual testing of the questionable products. The man found that the stress and starvation the lab animals endured swayed the results of eighty-four percent of the experiments, misleading scientists to inconclusive or alternate results in their studies. If animal testing interferes with the good of the experiments, then why is it still present in this country? It is time that this terrible practice is eliminated from the American society.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Since the American Constitution was devised, the document has clearly stated that there are rights all living beings are entitled to. As animals are indeed living beings, they do not deserve to be mistreated during animal testing processes. By experimenting with possibly hazardous materials such as cosmetics and supposed medical treatments, animals are being denied their given rights.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Can you imagine being tortured endlessly, being put through horrible tests with no results? This is what thousands of animals are subjected to annually. In the labs of animal testing, there is no morality, just cruelty. Animal testing should not be continued or be allowed.

Some experiments performed on animals can prove unnecessary or harmful. Dr. Thomas Starval transplanted a baboon's liver into a 35 year old man with Hepatitis B. In many tests, baboons were proved to be immune to Hepatitis B, so Dr. Starval concluded that transplanting the baboon's liver into the 35 year old man would rid him of his condition. This patient died two months later of massive brain hemorrhaging. This act could have opened humans up to parasites or new bacteria that could end up being very deadly.

Many of these experiments take away the rights of animals. Some people say that animals don't reason, don't understand rights and don't always respect our rights, so why not test them? An animal’s inability to understand is just as irrelevant as a child with severe development disability to understand. So, why do we respect their rights and not animals’ rights? PETA says, "We are not obliged to purposefully inflict pain on animals." Most of these animals are taken from the wild and are used for clothing, experiments, entertainment and food.

Opponents may feel that animal lovers are slowing the progress of testing. They feel there are advances to be made to make humans healthier. I am sure it is making profits healthier too. But no amount of money should be worth lowering our values for human life, whether animal or human.

These experiments can also be very cruel and kill up to 330,000 animals in just one facility. In "Dark Face of Science", John Vyvan says, "…all experiments done on animals are near or exactly alike the experiments Hitler performed on humans." Www.realissues.com says that these experiments are so cruel, so damaging, and painful; scientists would not do it on humans. Military labs burn, torture and make animals go through so many terrible experiments that they almost never have valid results or are unnecessary. One officer told an undercover investigator that they were going to throw a goat off a cliff, as an experiment. A company called Connivance performed experiments so cruel, it is being investigated by two federal agencies.

Testing on animals is cruel and unnecessary and humans should discontinue these horrible acts of violence. The experiments performed are harmful, they take away animals’ rights and many tests come out to be useless. People today should try to become vegetarians because most cruelty is performed in slaughter houses or be a donor so that less and less animals are killed for unnecessary organ donations.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are good, and the essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of animal testing to persuade readers. He/she is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Can you imagine being tortured endlessly, being put through horrible tests with no results? This is what thousands of animals are subjected to annually. In the labs of animal testing, there is no morality, just cruelty. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Many of these experiments take away the rights of animals. Some people say that animals don't reason, don't understand rights and don't always respect our rights, so why not test them? An animal’s inability to understand is just as irrelevant as a child with severe development disability to understand. So, why do we respect their rights and not animals’ rights? PETA says, "We are not obliged to purposefully inflict pain on animals." Most of these animals are taken from the wild and are used for clothing, experiments, entertainment and food.”)

The writer’s thesis clearly and succinctly states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Animal testing should not be continued or be allowed.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the response. The essay develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the stated position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Opponents may feel that animal lovers are slowing the progress of testing. They feel there are advances to be made to make humans healthier. I am sure it is making profits healthier too. But no amount of money should be worth lowering our values for human life, whether animal or human. These experiments can also be very cruel and kill up to 330,000 animals in just one facility.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“These experiments can also be very cruel and kill up to 330,000 animals in just one facility. In ‘Dark Face of Science’, John Vyvan says, ‘…all experiments done on animals are near or exactly alike the experiments Hitler performed on humans.’ Www.realissues.com says that these experiments are so cruel, so damaging, and painful; scientists would not do it on humans. Military labs burn, torture and make animals go through so many terrible experiments that they almost never have valid results or are unnecessary. One officer told an undercover investigator that they were going to throw a goat off a cliff, as an experiment. A company called Connivance performed experiments so cruel, it is being investigated by two federal agencies.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“Some experiments performed on animals can prove unnecessary or harmful. Dr. Thomas Starval transplanted a baboon's liver into a 35 year old man with Hepatitis B. In many tests, baboons were proved to be immune to Hepatitis B, so Dr. Starval concluded that transplanting the baboon's liver into the 35 year old man would rid him of his condition. This patient died two months later of massive brain hemorrhaging. This act could have opened humans up to parasites or new bacteria that could end up being very deadly.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Can you imagine being tortured endlessly, being put through horrible tests with no results? This is what thousands of animals are subjected to annually. In the labs of animal testing, there is no morality, just cruelty. Animal testing should not be continued or be allowed.”)

Subtle transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Many of these experiments take away the rights of animals. Some people say that animals don't reason, don't understand rights and don't always respect our rights, so why not test them? An animal’s inability to understand is just as irrelevant as a child with severe development disability to understand. So, why do we respect their rights and not animals’ rights? PETA says, ‘We are not obliged to purposefully inflict pain on animals.’ Most of these animals are taken from the wild and are used for clothing, experiments, entertainment and food.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Testing on animals is cruel and unnecessary and humans should discontinue these horrible acts of violence. The experiments performed are harmful, they take away animals’ rights and many tests come out to be useless. People today should try to become vegetarians because most cruelty is performed in slaughter houses or be a donor so that less and less animals are killed for unnecessary organ donations.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses effective language to convey the main ideas in the essay. (“Many of these experiments take away the rights of animals. Some people say that animals don't reason, don't understand rights and don't always respect our rights, so why not test them? An animal’s inability to understand is just as irrelevant as a child with severe development disability to understand. So, why do we respect their rights and not animals’ rights? ”)

The writer creates complex sentence structures by combining short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Military labs burn, torture and make animals go through so many terrible experiments that they almost never have valid results or are unnecessary. One officer told an undercover investigator that they were going to throw a goat off a cliff, as an experiment. A company called Connivance performed experiments so cruel, it is being investigated by two federal agencies.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Testing on animals is cruel and unnecessary and humans should discontinue these horrible acts of violence. The experiments performed are harmful, they take away animals’ rights and many tests come out to be useless. People today should try to become vegetarians because most cruelty is performed in slaughter houses or be a donor so that less and less animals are killed for unnecessary organ donations.”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Can you imagine being tortured endlessly, being put through horrible tests with no results? This is what thousands of animals are subjected to annually. In the labs of animal testing, there is no morality, just cruelty. Animal testing should not be continued or be allowed.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Animal Testing

How would you feel if you were just a harmless animal, then a scientist just took you in to try their products on you? Would you like it? I didn't think so. Animal testing is a thing that should be stopped immediately. Because it is wrong to just take a harmless animal and just test a product on them. They have feelings too. Only 61% on the products that scientists use on animal actually work. That's why I, Mary Smith, am going against animal testing.

What I think about animal testing? I think that it is wrong. Because testing animals for stupid products, that half of the time that they don't even work. It's like torturing animals. Animals have feelings too. Even though we don't see it most of the time, they still do. Most of the time scientists don’t see that, but animal lovers like me do. For example, say that somebody saves of a tiger’s fur, just to keep them warm. How do you think that that tiger would feel, being all pink foe a while. Buy a jacket. They are not that expensive. And besides, the animals don't want these potentially dangerous products on them.

The animals that I think are being tested on the most are rats. Rats are not people most favorite animal, but people still like rats. In fact I think that if the rat lovers saw what was happening to the rats, they would be terrified. Plus I think that the rat lovers would go on strike, and the scientists don’t really have time for that. For example if the rat lovers did go on strike, the scientist would just turn them down.

Some people might say that oh well if we can't test animals what are we going to test, humans? And that, I don't know the answer to. All I just know is that time is changing, and technology is building. Instead of testing animals we should build a system that we can get our products, and test it on something else, not animals. Because animals have never tested us before, why should we test them? And people might not agree with me. But that's ok. If they think that animal testing is the right thing to do, that's ok. They are entitled to their own opinion. All I just know is that this madness has to stop. That's my opinion, and that's the only thing that is important.

So what do you think about animal testing now, do you think it's wrong, or do you think it is right? Your decision. But if you’re like me, a person who loves animals, but just care about them, you will join me, and together we can go on strike! But if you’re not for this, then get out, and get your people to go on strike, because if there is a strike, it's going to get ugly.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. He/she establishes an opinion about animal testing and adequately attempts to argue the position . In doing so, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“How would you feel if you were just a harmless animal, then a scientist just took you in to try their products on you? Would you like it? I didn't think so. Animal testing is a thing that should be stopped immediately. Because it is wrong to just take a harmless animal and just test a product on them. They have feelings too. Only 61% on the products that scientists use on animal actually work. That's why I, Mary Smith, am going against animal testing.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“All I just know is that time is changing, and technology is building. Instead of testing animals we should build a system that we can get our products, and test it on something else, not animals. Because animals have never tested us before, why should we test them?”)

The writer uses words that are mostly appropriate for the intended audience; however, the writer should avoid any and all versions of informal language. The use of the word “stupid,” for example, should be replaced to enhance tone and awareness of audience. (“What I think about animal testing? I think that it is wrong. Because testing animals for stupid products, that half of the time that they don't even work. It's like torturing animals. Animals have feelings too. Even though we don't see it most of the time, they still do. Most of the time scientists don’t see that, but animal lovers like me do.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the stated position. Notably, however, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Some of the writer’s details are relevant to the argument presented. (“Animal testing is a thing that should be stopped immediately. Because it is wrong to just take a harmless animal and just test a product on them. They have feelings too. Only 61% on the products that scientists use on animal actually work.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“It's like torturing animals. Animals have feelings too. Even though we don't see it most of the time, they still do. Most of the time scientists don’t see that, but animal lovers like me do. For example, say that somebody saves of a tiger’s fur, just to keep them warm. How do you think that that tiger would feel, being all pink foe a while. Buy a jacket. They are not that expensive. And besides, the animals don't want these potentially dangerous products on them.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some people might say that oh well if we can't test animals what are we going to test, humans? And that, I don't know the answer to. All I just know is that time is changing, and technology is building. Instead of testing animals we should build a system that we can get our products, and test it on something else, not animals. Because animals have never tested us before, why should we test them? And people might not agree with me. But that's ok. If they think that animal testing is the right thing to do, that's ok. They are entitled to their own opinion. All I just know is that this madness has to stop. That's my opinion, and that's the only thing that is important.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. He/she demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“How would you feel if you were just a harmless animal, then a scientist just took you in to try their products on you? Would you like it? I didn't think so. Animal testing is a thing that should be stopped immediately. Because it is wrong to just take a harmless animal and just test a product on them. They have feelings too. Only 61% on the products that scientists use on animal actually work. That's why I, Mary Smith, am going against animal testing.”)

The writer uses a few subtle transitions. (“The animals that I think are being tested on the most are rats. Rats are not people most favorite animal, but people still like rats. In fact I think that if the rat lovers saw what was happening to the rats, they would be terrified.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected, so the writer should employ more transitions between paragraphs and sentences to enhance the flow and sequence of ideas.

The writer’s conclusion has a strong tone and encourages readers to take action. (“So what do you think about animal testing now, do you think it's wrong, or do you think it is right? Your decision. But if you’re like me, a person who loves animals, but just care about them, you will join me, and together we can go on strike! But if you’re not for this, then get out, and get your people to go on strike, because if there is a strike, it's going to get ugly.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals mostly appropriate language with adequate word choices, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“The animals that I think are being tested on the most are rats. Rats are not people most favorite animal, but people still like rats. In fact I think that if the rat lovers saw what was happening to the rats, they would be terrified. Plus I think that the rat lovers would go on strike, and the scientists don’t really have time for that.”)

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“How would you feel if you were just a harmless animal, then a scientist just took you in to try their products on you? Would you like it? I didn't think so. Animal testing is a thing that should be stopped immediately. Because it is wrong to just take a harmless animal and just test a product on them. They have feelings too.”)

The writer employs mostly appropriate language and word choices but should avoid word selections such as “stupid” when addressing the intended audience. (“What I think about animal testing? I think that it is wrong. Because testing animals for stupid products, that half of the time that they don't even work.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ The animals that I think are being tested on the most are rats. Rats are not people most favorite animal, but people still like rats. In fact I think that if the rat lovers saw what was happening to the rats, they would be terrified.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I do not agree to testing animals for many reasons. One reason is because we shouldn't kill animals just to see if a certain product works. For example, if someone was testing their product on a bunny rabbit and say you were the bunny rabbit. Would you like to be tested on something when you have no idea what the side affects are. The side affects could kill you.

Another reason is because we don't need less and less animals in the world. When animals are tested, there is a risk of death. We are putting our lives at stake by killing animals for a product we probably do not need to survive. If someone tested a deer and that deer died, that would be less food we have to eat because of a product we probably do not need.

My 3rd reason why animals should not be tested on is because they do not deserve it. They did nothing to us, yet we continue to take them and test on them. The U. S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) has collected 1,438,553 animals that were tested in 2002. These animals do not need to be tested. They should be left alone in their habitat and not bothered.

Another reason why animals should not be tested on is because they are suffering. We are keeping these animals trapped in cages or shoe boxes or something for nearly the rest of their lives. That is not fair to them. If it was fair, I would assume that you would think that that is not fair too.

In conclusion, I feel that testing products on animals is unfair and cruel. I feel that we should not test our products that we probably do not need on animals. That is why I feel we should not test products on animals.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of animal testing but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, he/she demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I do not agree to testing animals for many reasons. One reason is because we shouldn't kill animals just to see if a certain product works. For example, if someone was testing their product on a bunny rabbit and say you were the bunny rabbit. Would you like to be tested on something when you have no idea what the side affects are. The side affects could kill you.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the stated opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support his/her argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“My 3rd reason why animals should not be tested on is because they do not deserve it. They did nothing to us, yet we continue to take them and test on them. The U. S. Department of Agriculture [USDA] has collected 1,438,553 animals that were tested in 2002. These animals do not need to be tested. They should be left alone in their habitat and not bothered.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but uses very limited persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“Another reason why animals should not be tested on is because they are suffering. We are keeping these animals trapped in cages or shoe boxes or something for nearly the rest of their lives. That is not fair to them. If it was fair, I would assume that you would think that that is not fair too.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against animal testing. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay provides scenarios to illustrate points but fails to address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Another reason is because we don't need less and less animals in the world. When animals are tested, there is a risk of death. We are putting our lives at stake by killing animals for a product we probably do not need to survive. If someone tested a deer and that deer died, that would be less food we have to eat because of a product we probably do not need.”)

The writer includes limited statistical data in an attempt to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“My 3rd reason why animals should not be tested on is because they do not deserve it. They did nothing to us, yet we continue to take them and test on them. The U. S. Department of Agriculture [USDA] has collected 1,438,553 animals that were tested in 2002. These animals do not need to be tested. They should be left alone in their habitat and not bothered.”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for his/her stance against animal testing, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the stated position on the issue. (“Another reason why animals should not be tested on is because they are suffering. We are keeping these animals trapped in cages or shoe boxes or something for nearly the rest of their lives. That is not fair to them. If it was fair, I would assume that you would think that that is not fair too.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“I do not agree to testing animals for many reasons. One reason is because we shouldn't kill animals just to see if a certain product works. For example, if someone was testing their product on a bunny rabbit and say you were the bunny rabbit. Would you like to be tested on something when you have no idea what the side affects are. The side affects could kill you.”)

Limited use of transitions is evident between paragraphs and between sentences. (“My 3rd reason why animals should not be tested on is because they do not deserve it. They did nothing to us, yet we continue to take them and test on them. The U. S. Department of Agriculture [USDA] has collected 1,438,553 animals that were tested in 2002. These animals do not need to be tested. They should be left alone in their habitat and not bothered.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited and repetitious way, but it does not leave readers with too much to think about or tell them what to do next. (“In conclusion, I feel that testing products on animals is unfair and cruel. I feel that we should not test our products that we probably do not need on animals. That is why I feel we should not test products on animals.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“We are keeping these animals trapped in cages or shoe boxes or something for nearly the rest of their lives. That is not fair to them. If it was fair, I would assume that you would think that that is not fair too.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on the phrase, “ I feel …” to express ideas. (“…I feel that testing products on animals is unfair and cruel. I feel that we should not test our products that we probably do not need on animals. That is why I feel we should not test products on animals.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Would you like to be tested on something when you have no idea what the side affects are. The side affects could kill you.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Did you know that 10,000 animals are hurt every year because of animal testing? My opinion is that cosmetic and drug companies should stop the animal testing, I don't agree with this. With animal testing the companies will hurt more and more animals each year. They might be even many deaths of many different animals. Each year there are about 10,000 of animal hurting. This means that 8% of animals are dying each year.

When animal testing cosmatic and drug comapanies make products.Some of this products go thruogh inspection they may have virus. Some drugs may be too strong that people can get addicted and then die. Companies are killing animals and that may affect the world. Killing the animals so people eat it may get sick cause it might have a virus. The virus can extend and affet the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of animal testing. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay minimally states an opinion about the issue. (“ My opinion is that cosmetic and drug companies should stop the animal testing, I don't agree with this. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“With animal testing the companies will hurt more and more animals each year. They might be even many deaths of many different animals. Each year there are about 10,000 of animal hurting. This means that 8% of animals are dying each year.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ Companies are killing animals and that may affect the world. Killing the animals so people eat it may get sick cause it might have a virus. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to argue his/her stance on the issue of animal testing. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“With animal testing the companies will hurt more and more animals each year. They might be even many deaths of many different animals. Each year there are about 10,000 of animal hurting. This means that 8% of animals are dying each year.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ When animal testing cosmatic and drug comapanies make products.Some of this products go thruogh inspection they may have virus. Some drugs may be too strong that people can get addicted and then die. ”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of animal testing. (“Companies are killing animals and that may affect the world. Killing the animals so people eat it may get sick cause it might have a virus. The virus can extend and affet the world.”)

Organization

The essay displays minimal organization as well. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Did you know that 10,000 animals are hurt every year because of animal testing? My opinion is that cosmetic and drug companies should stop the animal testing, I don't agree with this. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ When animal testing cosmatic and drug comapanies make products.Some of this products go thruogh inspection they may have virus. Some drugs may be too strong that people can get addicted and then die. Companies are killing animals and that may affect the world. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“Killing the animals so people eat it may get sick cause it might have a virus. The virus can extend and affet the world.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not employ word choices that effectively convey his/her stance on the issue of animal testing. (“When animal testing cosmatic and drug comapanies make products.Some of this products go thruogh inspection they may have virus. Some drugs may be too strong that people can get addicted and then die.”)

There are short, choppy sentences in the essay. The writer should create complex sentence structures and add more details. (“Companies are killing animals and that may affect the world. Killing the animals so people eat it may get sick cause it might have a virus. The virus can extend and affet the world.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, sentence structures are weak, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ When animal testing cosmatic and drug comapanies make products.Some of this products go thruogh inspection they may have virus. Some drugs may be too strong that people can get addicted and then die. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Animal Testing

I think that the animal testing shouldn't be done to animals,because they have feeling just like humsans.I heard that they do the animal testing to they could test chemicals if the chemicals are too strong they can die.There are so many things that you can use instead?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers. (“ I think that the animal testing shouldn't be done to animals,because they have feeling just like humsans. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use informative or persuasive language. (“ I heard that they do the animal testing to they could test chemicals if the chemicals are too strong they can die. ”)

The writer does not provide adequate focus on any ideas mentioned in the essay. (“ There are so many things that you can use instead? ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments on the issue of animal testing. Additionally, the essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I heard that they do the animal testing to they could test chemicals if the chemicals are too strong they can die. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are presented in the form of body paragraphs. (“I think that the animal testing shouldn't be done to animals,because they have feeling just like humsans.I heard that they do the animal testing to they could test chemicals if the chemicals are too strong they can die.There are so many things that you can use instead?”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“There are so many things that you can use instead? ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think that the animal testing shouldn't be done to animals,because they have feeling just like humsans. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ I heard that they do the animal testing to they could test chemicals if the chemicals are too strong they can die. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument or leaves readers with something to think about or tells them what to do next. (“ There are so many things that you can use instead? ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I think that the animal testing shouldn't be done to animals,because they have feeling just like humsans. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I heard that they do the animal testing to they could test chemicals if the chemicals are too strong they can die.There are so many things that you can use instead?”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ There are so many things that you can use instead? ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ I think that the animal testing shouldn't be done to animals,because they have feeling just like humsans. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Argue For or Against Group Projects

Many teachers assign group projects. Sometimes, however, an uncooperative member can affect the entire group. Argue for or against the use of group projects using specific details and examples.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Theoretically, group projects are said to be enjoyable and beneficial because they teach students how to work together; however, from a hardworking student's point of view, they are some of the most agonizing assignments in the whole of education. Group projects often do not represent the best work of each of the students in group for several reasons. Hardworking students may do all the work or their grade may be unduly influenced by lazy students. Further, these lower achievers, are less motivated when they know there is someone else willing to do the work. Also, the group project may be influenced by student popularity in that popular students may have more command over the group's decisions, and this can mean that the ideas of the rest of the group may be overruled. As well, group members may take the opportunity to socialize rather than work because they have a chance to talk. Group projects could be more successful if students are fully instructed on the expectation of the members of the group and how to work together to achieve the objectives of a group project.

There are different types of group projects, and the effect on both the motivated and unmotivated students depends upon the type of group project. In a group project in which each student is given a portion of the work to accomplish, an unmotivated member of the group could bring down the group grade. This situation results in the hardworking student being given a worse grade than he or she would have earned on their own. My sister was once assigned to a group for a test, and she did well on her question. However, another group member cheated and got a zero, so the entire group grade was affected. In another type of group project, the work is not divided, but the expectation is that all group members collaboratively contribute towards the project. However, many times what happens is the hard-working students will do all the work, because the unmotivated student doesn't want to help or is not trusted to complete the work. Last year, I was in a group that had to write a script, and because the work had to be finished outside of class, I ended up doing it all on my own. I worried that the other students in my group really did not care if we had a good script for our performance and they show up without finishing it. When something like this happens, the unmotivated student gets credit that they did not earn and they might have worked harder if they did not have someone else taking care of the assignment. Lastly, this does not benefit the teacher because they will not know who did the work.

In most schools, there is a popular crowd, and most everyone wishes they were in it. In a group project where students have to pool and choose ideas, students may choose ideas posed by popular students regardless of the idea's quality and the voter's true opinion. This may give the group a bad grade because they chose ideas that should have been discarded. For example, a popular student might suggest a cool idea that is not really related to the assignment but everyone goes along with him or her. Also, the focus can be taken off of the project work by influential students that want to goof around. Likewise, students may be in a group of friends and even though they only have a class period to finish an assignment, they may choose to socialize instead and do not take the chance to complete the work.

People say that group projects help students learn to cooperate, which is assuming that all members of the group are working, but some members may not work and those members learn that they can still get a good grade on an assignment by not helping. Also, although students are taught from young ages to be respectful, they may not be, particularly in a group setting in which they are trying to establish their social positions. Further, students may not be taught how to divide work evenly or to do their work with better quality in a group project.

Group projects could be more successful if teachers commonly checked in on the group and if students were better instructed and reminded on how to work together. Teachers could also better grade group assignments if they checked in on the projects at frequent intervals to see who was doing the work and who was cooperating. Also grades from group assignments should have a separate grading system, and not affect a student's report card grade to make the experience less stressful for hardworking students and put the emphasis on the process rather than just on the end result.

In summary, group projects are not as helpful as they could be. Group projects are not beneficial in the long run for either the motivated or unmotivated student. Secondly, when students work in group student's ideas or willingness to participate can be affected by popularity. Also, these assignments may not run smoothly because students are not trained how to do so and the end result can be poor. As a hardworking student, I have come to the conclusion that group assignments either mean more work for me or a lower grade. For these reasons, group projects should be removed from the graded curriculum of every classroom.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention with a theoretical statement, he/she follows with an opinionative statement that discounts it. (“Theoretically, group projects are said to be enjoyable and beneficial because they teach students how to work together; however, from a hardworking student's point of view, they are some of the most agonizing assignments in the whole of education.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Group projects often do not represent the best work of each of the students in group for several reasons. Hardworking students may do all the work or their grade may be unduly influenced by lazy students. Further, these lower achievers, are less motivated when they know there is someone else willing to do the work. Also, the group project may be influenced by student popularity in that popular students may have more command over the group's decisions, and this can mean that the ideas of the rest of the group may be overruled. As well, group members may take the opportunity to socialize rather than work because they have a chance to talk. Group projects could be more successful if students are fully instructed on the expectation of the members of the group and how to work together to achieve the objectives of a group project.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that group projects often negatively impact conscientious students. (“There are different types of group projects, and the effect on both the motivated and unmotivated students depends upon the type of group project. In a group project in which each student is given a portion of the work to accomplish, an unmotivated member of the group could bring down the group grade. This situation results in the hardworking student being given a worse grade than he or she would have earned on their own. My sister was once assigned to a group for a test, and she did well on her question. However, another group member cheated and got a zero, so the entire group grade was affected.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of group projects in school. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Last year, I was in a group that had to write a script, and because the work had to be finished outside of class, I ended up doing it all on my own. I worried that the other students in my group really did not care if we had a good script for our performance and they show up without finishing it. When something like this happens, the unmotivated student gets credit that they did not earn and they might have worked harder if they did not have someone else taking care of the assignment. Lastly, this does not benefit the teacher because they will not know who did the work.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“People say that group projects help students learn to cooperate, which is assuming that all members of the group are working, but some members may not work and those members learn that they can still get a good grade on an assignment by not helping. Also, although students are taught from young ages to be respectful, they may not be, particularly in a group setting in which they are trying to establish their social positions. Further, students may not be taught how to divide work evenly or to do their work with better quality in a group project.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to the readers. The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position of sharing a grade with an unproductive group member, and this actively engages the readers to consider a different way of evaluating student work. (“Group projects could be more successful if teachers commonly checked in on the group and if students were better instructed and reminded on how to work together. Teachers could also better grade group assignments if they checked in on the projects at frequent intervals to see who was doing the work and who was cooperating. Also grades from group assignments should have a separate grading system, and not affect a student's report card grade to make the experience less stressful for hardworking students and put the emphasis on the process rather than just on the end result.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction focuses the readers’ attention on the issue and provides a preview of his/her main ideas. (“Theoretically, group projects are said to be enjoyable and beneficial because they teach students how to work together; however, from a hardworking student's point of view, they are some of the most agonizing assignments in the whole of education. Group projects often do not represent the best work of each of the students in group for several reasons. Hardworking students may do all the work or their grade may be unduly influenced by lazy students. Further, these lower achievers, are less motivated when they know there is someone else willing to do the work. Also, the group project may be influenced by student popularity in that popular students may have more command over the group's decisions, and this can mean that the ideas of the rest of the group may be overruled. As well, group members may take the opportunity to socialize rather than work because they have a chance to talk. Group projects could be more successful if students are fully instructed on the expectation of the members of the group and how to work together to achieve the objectives of a group project.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “for example,” “also,” “likewise,” and “in summary” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“In most schools, there is a popular crowd, and most everyone wishes they were in it. In a group project where students have to pool and choose ideas, students may choose ideas posed by popular students regardless of the idea's quality and the voter's true opinion. This may give the group a bad grade because they chose ideas that should have been discarded. For example, a popular student might suggest a cool idea that is not really related to the assignment but everyone goes along with him or her. Also, the focus can be taken off of the project work by influential students that want to goof around. Likewise, students may be in a group of friends and even though they only have a class period to finish an assignment, they may choose to socialize instead and do not take the chance to complete the work.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“In summary, group projects are not as helpful as they could be. Group projects are not beneficial in the long run for either the motivated or unmotivated student. Secondly, when students work in group student's ideas or willingness to participate can be affected by popularity. Also, these assignments may not run smoothly because students are not trained how to do so and the end result can be poor. As a hardworking student, I have come to the conclusion that group assignments either mean more work for me or a lower grade. For these reasons, group projects should be removed from the graded curriculum of every classroom.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“There are different types of group projects, and the effect on both the motivated and unmotivated students depends upon the type of group project. In a group project in which each student is given a portion of the work to accomplish, an unmotivated member of the group could bring down the group grade. This situation results in the hardworking student being given a worse grade than he or she would have earned on their own. My sister was once assigned to a group for a test, and she did well on her question. However, another group member cheated and got a zero, so the entire group grade was affected.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay and effectively uses conjunctions to create compound, complex, and compound-complex sentence structures. (“In another type of group project, the work is not divided, but the expectation is that all group members collaboratively contribute towards the project. However, many times what happens is the hard-working students will do all the work, because the unmotivated student doesn't want to help or is not trusted to complete the work. Last year, I was in a group that had to write a script, and because the work had to be finished outside of class, I ended up doing it all on my own. I worried that the other students in my group really did not care if we had a good script for our performance and they show up without finishing it. When something like this happens, the unmotivated student gets credit that they did not earn and they might have worked harder if they did not have someone else taking care of the assignment. Lastly, this does not benefit the teacher because they will not know who did the work.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“In most schools, there is a popular crowd, and most everyone wishes they were in it. In a group project where students have to pool and choose ideas, students may choose ideas posed by popular students regardless of the idea's quality and the voter's true opinion. This may give the group a bad grade because they chose ideas that should have been discarded. For example, a popular student might suggest a cool idea that is not really related to the assignment but everyone goes along with him or her. Also, the focus can be taken off of the project work by influential students that want to goof around. Likewise, students may be in a group of friends and even though they only have a class period to finish an assignment, they may choose to socialize instead and do not take the chance to complete the work.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“Theoretically, group projects are said to be enjoyable and beneficial because they teach students how to work together; however, from a hardworking student's point of view, they are some of the most agonizing assignments in the whole of education. Group projects often do not represent the best work of each of the students in group for several reasons. Hardworking students may do all the work or their grade may be unduly influenced by lazy students. Further, these lower achievers, are less motivated when they know there is someone else willing to do the work. Also, the group project may be influenced by student popularity in that popular students may have more command over the group's decisions, and this can mean that the ideas of the rest of the group may be overruled. As well, group members may take the opportunity to socialize rather than work because they have a chance to talk. Group projects could be more successful if students are fully instructed on the expectation of the members of the group and how to work together to achieve the objectives of a group project.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Working on a project individually can be much easier than working in a group. Working by yourself can be easier but harder at the same time. You have more priorities and you have to work more but in the end it is all worth it. You do not have to worry about someone else getting in your way while you are working. Group projects always go wrong somehow and someone usually does not participate and it makes the whole group lost and out of control. Working alone is best for those who want no interference with their style and working.

Individually working on a project can be faster and more organized than group work. You can focus better, stay on task and not get distracted. On the other hand, students working in a group are either distracted or have no idea what to do. Working alone is not for everyone though. It really depends on the type of work it is. If you are the type who likes to be around people, individual work would definitely not be the choice for you. Sometimes group work is a better choice, but it only depends on what project or activity you are working on. Students who work in group projects either do very well and get a good grade, or most of the time they slack off and get a horrible grade. While, students who work alone usually get a good grade because they are focused and not goofing off with other students. There are many more advantages when you work by yourself.

Working alone gives you more power to decide. It enables acting according to one's judgment without facing criticism. Working by yourself is great for getting things done. It involves no explaining or consulting. You can get right into your work with no interruptions. You can also make decisions on your own. In group work you have to consult everyone in your group and, there could be some disagreement causing your group to fall behind. In addition, there is always unequal credit in group projects. Someone usually does most of the work while everybody else in the group hangs around and talks. When you work individually, you are the only one doing the work so there is no unequal credit. Working alone also helps you connect with yourself and assemble thoughts and ideas in a way that's unique to you.

Clearly there are more advantages to working individually than working within a group. You do not have to worry about equal amount of work, or being left out because it is only you working on your project. Unlike, group work where there are a bunch of people scrambling around trying to get the right information at the last minute. Working alone is definitely much more peaceful and mellow. Group work is just too stressful. Since there are more people in a group, you would expect that the more people the faster the project or assignment will be completed. That is actually incorrect. Because there are more people, this causes the group to have more work. For example, you have to explain to everyone what their role is in the group and there could be disagreement which could lead to arguing. The individual workers do not have to deal with any of that. They can just get right into their assignment and stay focused and on task the whole time. There are many disadvantages to working within a group.

Overall, working individually has many more advantages than working in a group. You can accomplish more things and get a better grade. That does not mean group work is horrible though. Some projects are much better when you are working within a group. Many people have different opinions about which is better; group or individual work. People who are very social and like to be around others tend to choose group work over individual. While on the other hand, people who keep to themselves and really like to concentrate and stay focused on their work prefer to work alone. It just depends on your style, and how you like to work.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Working on a project individually can be much easier than working in a group. ”)

The language in the introduction fits the examples well and previews the writer’s main ideas. (“Working by yourself can be easier but harder at the same time. You have more priorities and you have to work more but in the end it is all worth it. You do not have to worry about someone else getting in your way while you are working. Group projects always go wrong somehow and someone usually does not participate and it makes the whole group lost and out of control. Working alone is best for those who want no interference with their style and working. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Individually working on a project can be faster and more organized than group work. You can focus better, stay on task and not get distracted. On the other hand, students working in a group are either distracted or have no idea what to do. Working alone is not for everyone though. It really depends on the type of work it is. If you are the type who likes to be around people, individual work would definitely not be the choice for you. Sometimes group work is a better choice, but it only depends on what project or activity you are working on. Students who work in group projects either do very well and get a good grade, or most of the time they slack off and get a horrible grade. While, students who work alone usually get a good grade because they are focused and not goofing off with other students. There are many more advantages when you work by yourself. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective development of ideas and content in the essay response. He/she develops arguments using specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer clearly addresses the readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“Working alone gives you more power to decide. It enables acting according to one's judgment without facing criticism. Working by yourself is great for getting things done. It involves no explaining or consulting. You can get right into your work with no interruptions. You can also make decisions on your own. In group work you have to consult everyone in your group and, there could be some disagreement causing your group to fall behind. In addition, there is always unequal credit in group projects. Someone usually does most of the work while everybody else in the group hangs around and talks. When you work individually, you are the only one doing the work so there is no unequal credit. Working alone also helps you connect with yourself and assemble thoughts and ideas in a way that's unique to you. ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. He/she refutes the idea that groups will complete assignments faster than individuals. (“Since there are more people in a group, you would expect that the more people the faster the project or assignment will be completed. That is actually incorrect. Because there are more people, this causes the group to have more work. For example, you have to explain to everyone what their role is in the group and there could be disagreement which could lead to arguing. The individual workers do not have to deal with any of that. They can just get right into their assignment and stay focused and on task the whole time. There are many disadvantages to working within a group. ”)

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well balanced. (“Individually working on a project can be faster and more organized than group work. You can focus better, stay on task and not get distracted. On the other hand, students working in a group are either distracted or have no idea what to do. Working alone is not for everyone though. It really depends on the type of work it is. If you are the type who likes to be around people, individual work would definitely not be the choice for you. Sometimes group work is a better choice, but it only depends on what project or activity you are working on. Students who work in group projects either do very well and get a good grade, or most of the time they slack off and get a horrible grade. While, students who work alone usually get a good grade because they are focused and not goofing off with other students. There are many more advantages when you work by yourself. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions that keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help the readers understand the problems with group projects. (“Working on a project individually can be much easier than working in a group. Working by yourself can be easier but harder at the same time. You have more priorities and you have to work more but in the end it is all worth it. You do not have to worry about someone else getting in your way while you are working. Group projects always go wrong somehow and someone usually does not participate and it makes the whole group lost and out of control. Working alone is best for those who want no interference with their style and working. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Clearly there are more advantages to working individually than working within a group. You do not have to worry about equal amount of work, or being left out because it is only you working on your project. Unlike, group work where there are a bunch of people scrambling around trying to get the right information at the last minute. Working alone is definitely much more peaceful and mellow. Group work is just too stressful. Since there are more people in a group, you would expect that the more people the faster the project or assignment will be completed. That is actually incorrect. Because there are more people, this causes the group to have more work. For example, you have to explain to everyone what their role is in the group and there could be disagreement which could lead to arguing. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Overall, working individually has many more advantages than working in a group. You can accomplish more things and get a better grade. That does not mean group work is horrible though. Some projects are much better when you are working within a group. Many people have different opinions about which is better; group or individual work. People who are very social and like to be around others tend to choose group work over individual. While on the other hand, people who keep to themselves and really like to concentrate and stay focused on their work prefer to work alone. It just depends on your style, and how you like to work. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Coherent style and tone ensure the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Working alone gives you more power to decide. It enables acting according to one's judgment without facing criticism. Working by yourself is great for getting things done. It involves no explaining or consulting. You can get right into your work with no interruptions. You can also make decisions on your own. In group work you have to consult everyone in your group and, there could be some disagreement causing your group to fall behind. In addition, there is always unequal credit in group projects. Someone usually does most of the work while everybody else in the group hangs around and talks. When you work individually, you are the only one doing the work so there is no unequal credit. Working alone also helps you connect with yourself and assemble thoughts and ideas in a way that's unique to you. ”)

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“Clearly there are more advantages to working individually than working within a group. You do not have to worry about equal amount of work, or being left out because it is only you working on your project. Unlike, group work where there are a bunch of people scrambling around trying to get the right information at the last minute. Working alone is definitely much more peaceful and mellow. Group work is just too stressful. Since there are more people in a group, you would expect that the more people the faster the project or assignment will be completed. That is actually incorrect. Because there are more people, this causes the group to have more work. For example, you have to explain to everyone what their role is in the group and there could be disagreement which could lead to arguing. The individual workers do not have to deal with any of that. They can just get right into their assignment and stay focused and on task the whole time. There are many disadvantages to working within a group. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Sometimes group work is a better choice, but it only depends on what project or activity you are working on. Students who work in group projects either do very well and get a good grade, or most of the time they slack off and get a horrible grade. While, students who work alone usually get a good grade because they are focused and not goofing off with other students. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“Individually working on a project can be faster and more organized than group work. You can focus better, stay on task and not get distracted. On the other hand, students working in a group are either distracted or have no idea what to do. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Working in groups may be fun to some kids but, not to others. It is a great life skill to have when getting in a job or career. You have to be able to work with people all around and everywhere. So, if you do not like working in groups, you cannot avoid it. It is everywhere. You will use this life skill everywhere you go. Being able to work with people is necessary and that is what I am going to talk about today.

No matter who you are or what you do, you will always have to work with people. Just think about it, from a proffesional athlete to a lawyer to a construction worker, you will have to work with someone whether its your team or a customer. Not everyone likes to work with people, they think that it is unfair, but you just have to deal with it. Even as a kid you will use it, at school and at ballet or soccer, and at home. That is why working in groups is an important life skill.

Many people get stressed in life. It is part of growing up. Everyone get stressed out and no one likes it. You get stressed out with school and home and work and all the many things that you are involved it. One of those things is projects. Imagine this: Your teacher just assigned your class a group project to finish the section that you have been working on. You have to write an 8 paragraph essay, make a model of one of the main characters do a powerpoint on the vocabulary and give the class a 5 minute presantaion on what you learned this year. No one wants to do that much. That is too much work for anyone! What if you divided your project into groups. That would lift a ton of pressure of your back! That is why working in groups is essential. It will relieve some pressure off your back and help you stop being stressed out.

The final reason why working in groups is a good idea is you can meet new people and make new friends. Everyone needs a friend and someone to help you along the way. That is why you need a friend. You may be getting ready to leave your old friends and find some new ones. So working in groups can help you find some new friends. You may find someone who is smart or funny or outgiong and really want to be friends with them. That is another reason why working in groups is a great thing.

You may be saying, what about the person who is a hitchhiker who is just along for the ride. Well, that is their fault and they will pay for it later. When they go apply for a job or to get into college or to take the final exam in high school, they will not have knowledge you got by doing the group project. They will not recieve any help there. They will be by themselves and cannot ask anyone to help them. Those things that they did not participate in will affect their academict life in the future. So by not working in the group project can punish them later when it really matters and when they really need to know those things that they just sat by and watched.

In conclusion, I think that it is necessary and essential to work in groups. It is not only a life skill but it is also a gold mine for making friends. Though there may be some cons to working in groups, you can always fix those things and be rewarded in the end. Working in groups is a friend gold mine, a essential life skill and a burden lifter/ stress reliever. That is why working in groups is a YES!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about the benefits of group projects and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“Being able to work with people is necessary and that is what I am going to talk about today.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“No matter who you are or what you do, you will always have to work with people. Just think about it, from a proffesional athlete to a lawyer to a construction worker, you will have to work with someone whether its your team or a customer. Not everyone likes to work with people, they think that it is unfair, but you just have to deal with it. Even as a kid you will use it, at school and at ballet or soccer, and at home. That is why working in groups is an important life skill.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“In conclusion, I think that it is necessary and essential to work in groups. It is not only a life skill but it is also a gold mine for making friends.”)

Content & Development

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Many people get stressed in life. It is part of growing up. Everyone get stressed out and no one likes it. You get stressed out with school and home and work and all the many things that you are involved it. One of those things is projects. Imagine this: Your teacher just assigned your class a group project to finish the section that you have been working on. You have to write an 8 paragraph essay, make a model of one of the main characters do a powerpoint on the vocabulary and give the class a 5 minute presantaion on what you learned this year. No one wants to do that much. That is too much work for anyone! What if you divided your project into groups. That would lift a ton of pressure of your back! That is why working in groups is essential. It will relieve some pressure off your back and help you stop being stressed out.”)

Most of the writer’s details support the argument that learning to work in groups is a necessary life skill. (“The final reason why working in groups is a good idea is you can meet new people and make new friends. Everyone needs a friend and someone to help you along the way. That is why you need a friend. You may be getting ready to leave your old friends and find some new ones. So working in groups can help you find some new friends. You may find someone who is smart or funny or outgiong and really want to be friends with them. That is another reason why working in groups is a great thing.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer presents an opposing viewpoint and attempts to refute it. (“You may be saying, what about the person who is a hitchhiker who is just along for the ride. Well, that is their fault and they will pay for it later. When they go apply for a job or to get into college or to take the final exam in high school, they will not have knowledge you got by doing the group project. They will not recieve any help there. They will be by themselves and cannot ask anyone to help them. Those things that they did not participate in will affect their academict life in the future. So by not working in the group project can punish them later when it really matters and when they really need to know those things that they just sat by and watched.”)

Organization

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Working in groups may be fun to some kids but, not to others. It is a great life skill to have when getting in a job or career. You have to be able to work with people all around and everywhere. So, if you do not like working in groups, you cannot avoid it. It is everywhere. You will use this life skill everywhere you go. Being able to work with people is necessary and that is what I am going to talk about today.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “the final reason” and “in conclusion,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“The final reason why working in groups is a good idea is you can meet new people and make new friends. Everyone needs a friend and someone to help you along the way. That is why you need a friend. You may be getting ready to leave your old friends and find some new ones. So working in groups can help you find some new friends. You may find someone who is smart or funny or outgiong and really want to be friends with them. That is another reason why working in groups is a great thing.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“In conclusion, I think that it is necessary and essential to work in groups. It is not only a life skill but it is also a gold mine for making friends. Though there may be some cons to working in groups, you can always fix those things and be rewarded in the end. Working in groups is a friend gold mine, a essential life skill and a burden lifter/ stress reliever. That is why working in groups is a YES!”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“No matter who you are or what you do, you will always have to work with people. Just think about it, from a proffesional athlete to a lawyer to a construction worker, you will have to work with someone whether its your team or a customer. Not everyone likes to work with people, they think that it is unfair, but you just have to deal with it. Even as a kid you will use it, at school and at ballet or soccer, and at home. That is why working in groups is an important life skill.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“The final reason why working in groups is a good idea is you can meet new people and make new friends. Everyone needs a friend and someone to help you along the way. That is why you need a friend. You may be getting ready to leave your old friends and find some new ones. So working in groups can help you find some new friends. You may find someone who is smart or funny or outgiong and really want to be friends with them. That is another reason why working in groups is a great thing.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“You may be saying, what about the person who is a hitchhiker who is just along for the ride. Well, that is their fault and they will pay for it later. When they go apply for a job or to get into college or to take the final exam in high school, they will not have knowledge you got by doing the group project. They will not recieve any help there. They will be by themselves and cannot ask anyone to help them. Those things that they did not participate in will affect their academict life in the future. So by not working in the group project can punish them later when it really matters and when they really need to know those things that they just sat by and watched.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“Working in groups may be fun to some kids but, not to others. It is a great life skill to have when getting in a job or career. You have to be able to work with people all around and everywhere. So, if you do not like working in groups, you cannot avoid it. It is everywhere. You will use this life skill everywhere you go. Being able to work with people is necessary and that is what I am going to talk about today.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Well I think that it would be better to work in groups because there is teamwork and that can help everybody.Like when you are in a group, you all can come up with ideas and then try to agree on something. And there are certain students that are really smart, some supportive, some that think of a ton of ideas. But there are some unlucky things about groups.

So when you are in a group, there are certain students. Like their are smart ones, and supporting ones mainly. The group might have a alone person in the group, or gets left out. It depends on the group though because you don't want a bunch of dumb kids or popular kids. So in a group you want like one of each kind of person.

So the some of the bad things in groups are like the people and just the group. So in every group there is always someone left out. They always get ignored or people don't listen to them. A lot of girls I know wont try to get to know more people, they just stick with their old friends. Like the popular people always single out someone.

Then another problem was that not everyone can always agree on something. Like only some might, but then there is always a disagreement. And then there is always someone who then just has a fit. So if you guys are all trying to figure out what to do for an assignment or something. And you guys need to agree on something , but then someone just doesn't like that, Well then think of something else.

I think it would be better to work with groups because there is always help and teamwork and its hard to think of more things as an individual. And you may disagree on something but at least you and your group can always think of something different. But there are the people who always get left out, but that is kind of their fault to because they choose not to get into the group and ask for what is going on. So I think it would be better to be in a group.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of group assignments but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ Well I think that it would be better to work in groups because there is teamwork and that can help everybody. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“So when you are in a group, there are certain students. Like their are smart ones, and supporting ones mainly. The group might have a alone person in the group, or gets left out. It depends on the group though because you don't want a bunch of dumb kids or popular kids. So in a group you want like one of each kind of person. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer’s point of view. (“ So if you guys are all trying to figure out what to do for an assignment or something. And you guys need to agree on something , but then someone just doesn't like that, Well then think of something else. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against group projects in schools. The writer does attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns with a response to those who might disagree with the writer's stated position. The writer provides examples of opposing points of view, but he/she does not refute those arguments, which leaves the readers unsure of which position the writer supports. (“So the some of the bad things in groups are like the people and just the group. So in every group there is always someone left out. They always get ignored or people don't listen to them. A lot of girls I know wont try to get to know more people, they just stick with their old friends. Like the popular people always single out someone. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas about problems within the group, but the supporting examples do not reinforce the writer’s position on group work being better than independent work. (“ Then another problem was that not everyone can always agree on something. Like only some might, but then there is always a disagreement. And then there is always someone who then just has a fit. So if you guys are all trying to figure out what to do for an assignment or something. And you guys need to agree on something , but then someone just doesn't like that, Well then think of something else. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for wanting to be in a group, it does not effectively communicate support for the argument . (“So when you are in a group, there are certain students. Like their are smart ones, and supporting ones mainly. The group might have a alone person in the group, or gets left out. It depends on the group though because you don't want a bunch of dumb kids or popular kids. So in a group you want like one of each kind of person. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It incorporates the use of paragraphing but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. In this case, the writer begins to argue his/her viewpoint before background information is provided to help readers understand the issue. (“ Well I think that it would be better to work in groups because there is teamwork and that can help everybody.Like when you are in a group, you all can come up with ideas and then try to agree on something. And there are certain students that are really smart, some supportive, some that think of a ton of ideas. But there are some unlucky things about groups. ”)

There is evidence of some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas, but the transitions are repetitive. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions. (“Then another problem was that not everyone can always agree on something. Like only some might, but then there is always a disagreement. And then there is always someone who then just has a fit. So if you guys are all trying to figure out what to do for an assignment or something. And you guys need to agree on something , but then someone just doesn't like that, Well then think of something else. ”)

The conclusion of the essay attempts to convince the readers with a summation of restated arguments, but it is limited in its effectiveness. (“ I think it would be better to work with groups because there is always help and teamwork and its hard to think of more things as an individual. And you may disagree on something but at least you and your group can always think of something different. But there are the people who always get left out, but that is kind of their fault to because they choose not to get into the group and ask for what is going on. So I think it would be better to be in a group. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “so” and “like.” (“So when you are in a group, there are certain students. Like their are smart ones, and supporting ones mainly. The group might have a alone person in the group, or gets left out. It depends on the group though because you don't want a bunch of dumb kids or popular kids. So in a group you want like one of each kind of person. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Then another problem was that not everyone can always agree on something. Like only some might, but then there is always a disagreement. And then there is always someone who then just has a fit. So if you guys are all trying to figure out what to do for an assignment or something. And you guys need to agree on something , but then someone just doesn't like that, Well then think of something else. ”)

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Stronger phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“I think it would be better to work with groups because there is always help and teamwork and its hard to think of more things as an individual. And you may disagree on something but at least you and your group can always think of something different. But there are the people who always get left out, but that is kind of their fault to because they choose not to get into the group and ask for what is going on. So I think it would be better to be in a group. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“ So when you are in a group, there are certain students. Like their are smart ones, and supporting ones mainly. The group might have a alone person in the group, or gets left out. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Group Argument

We should keeps the groups, because if we dont know what to do we can just tell the group. Next is that if we need some supplies like a pencil or something just tells your group and they will give you something. Now if you have to use the bathrooms just tell someone if they can do your work for you until you come back. Then if you are ever miss, a day in school just copies a group mates paper.

If you forget what to do every time on what to do just tell the group. If you have food, some to the group you know sharing is carrying. On a group project we can all work as a team and we all get the same grade and we might get a good grade. Next is that if you were sleeping during the lesson just tell a group mate what was we suppose to do. So if need some notes from the lesson tell the group for some notes and copy them down.

Then if you did something bad the group might take the blame for you, If you get called on a question the group whisper you the answers. if you need some paper tell one of the group mates to give you some paper.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the essay does state an opinion /position/thesis about keeping groups, the issue of teacher-assigned group projects is not clearly defined. (“ We should keeps the groups, because if we dont know what to do we can just tell the group. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. (“ Next is that if we need some supplies like a pencil or something just tells your group and they will give you something. Now if you have to use the bathrooms just tell someone if they can do your work for you until you come back. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ If you forget what to do every time on what to do just tell the group. If you have food, some to the group you know sharing is carrying. On a group project we can all work as a team and we all get the same grade and we might get a good grade. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately by using few details to support the writer's position on whether group projects are effective in the classroom. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ We should keeps the groups, because if we dont know what to do we can just tell the group. Next is that if we need some supplies like a pencil or something just tells your group and they will give you something. Now if you have to use the bathrooms just tell someone if they can do your work for you until you come back. Then if you are ever miss, a day in school just copies a group mates paper. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ If you forget what to do every time on what to do just tell the group. If you have food, some to the group you know sharing is carrying. On a group project we can all work as a team and we all get the same grade and we might get a good grade. Next is that if you were sleeping during the lesson just tell a group mate what was we suppose to do. So if need some notes from the lesson tell the group for some notes and copy them down. ”)

Organization

There is minimal organization in the essay. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. The writer jumps into supporting details without providing any background information about the issue. (“ We should keeps the groups, because if we dont know what to do we can just tell the group. Next is that if we need some supplies like a pencil or something just tells your group and they will give you something. Now if you have to use the bathrooms just tell someone if they can do your work for you until you come back. Then if you are ever miss, a day in school just copies a group mates paper. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ If you forget what to do every time on what to do just tell the group. If you have food, some to the group you know sharing is carrying. On a group project we can all work as a team and we all get the same grade and we might get a good grade. Next is that if you were sleeping during the lesson just tell a group mate what was we suppose to do. So if need some notes from the lesson tell the group for some notes and copy them down. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“ Then if you did something bad the group might take the blame for you, If you get called on a question the group whisper you the answers. if you need some paper tell one of the group mates to give you some paper. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince the readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. He/she does assert that “we should” keep using groups, but the essay does not present convincing reasons. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“We should keeps the groups, because if we dont know what to do we can just tell the group. Next is that if we need some supplies like a pencil or something just tells your group and they will give you something. Now if you have to use the bathrooms just tell someone if they can do your work for you until you come back. Then if you are ever miss, a day in school just copies a group mates paper. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive phrases such as “if you.” (“If you forget what to do every time on what to do just tell the group. If you have food, some to the group you know sharing is carrying. On a group project we can all work as a team and we all get the same grade and we might get a good grade. Next is that if you were sleeping during the lesson just tell a group mate what was we suppose to do. So if need some notes from the lesson tell the group for some notes and copy them down. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument for or against group projects. The benefits listed in the essay could merely apply to helpful classmates and do not necessarily address group work. (“Then if you did something bad the group might take the blame for you, If you get called on a question the group whisper you the answers. if you need some paper tell one of the group mates to give you some paper.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ Next is that if you were sleeping during the lesson just tell a group mate what was we suppose to do. So if need some notes from the lesson tell the group for some notes and copy them down. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

When some bodie agrees or disagrees about a group progect. You should try and listen to what they say and make a disishion.

like when you have to do a progect on the civil war and one person says to do it about the south and the rest want to do it on the north. you should look around and find out what other people are doing if almost every bodie is doing their progect on tthe north then you should talk to your group and say hey how about we do our progect on the south if they all disagree whith you and even the one that dissagred with the group in the first place then you just say ok and do what they whant to do. but not always do you have to just give up like that some times you just have to stick up for what you think.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the idea of group work, but the writer fails to take a stance on the issue of whether group projects should be assigned. Instead of arguing “for” or “against” group projects, the writer merely focuses on how to cope with disagreement between group members. (“When some bodie agrees or disagrees about a group progect. You should try and listen to what they say and make a disishion… like when you have to do a progect on the civil war and one person says to do it about the south and the rest want to do it on the north.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. He/she informally addresses the students in a group as opposed to arguing a position to a teacher or administrator. (“ you should look around and find out what other people are doing if almost every bodie is doing their progect on tthe north then you should talk to your group and say hey how about we do our progect on the south if they all disagree whith you and even the one that dissagred with the group in the first place then you just say ok and do what they whant to do. ”)

The writer fails to include detailed supporting ideas to support his/her thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ but not always do you have to just give up like that some times you just have to stick up for what you think. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of group projects in schools. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support an opinion about the advantages or disadvantages of working in groups. (“like when you have to do a progect on the civil war and one person says to do it about the south and the rest want to do it on the north. you should look around and find out what other people are doing if almost every bodie is doing their progect on tthe north then you should talk to your group and say hey how about we do our progect on the south if they all disagree whith you and even the one that dissagred with the group in the first place then you just say ok and do what they whant to do. ”)

Since the two-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented as body paragraphs in the essay. (“When some bodie agrees or disagrees about a group progect. You should try and listen to what they say and make a disishion… like when you have to do a progect on the civil war and one person says to do it about the south and the rest want to do it on the north. you should look around and find out what other people are doing if almost every bodie is doing their progect on tthe north then you should talk to your group and say hey how about we do our progect on the south if they all disagree whith you and even the one that dissagred with the group in the first place then you just say ok and do what they whant to do. but not always do you have to just give up like that some times you just have to stick up for what you think.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states that sometimes a student should agree with the group, and sometimes the student should be more assertive. (“but not always do you have to just give up like that some times you just have to stick up for what you think. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ When some bodie agrees or disagrees about a group progect. You should try and listen to what they say and make a disishion. ”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“ like when you have to do a progect on the civil war and one person says to do it about the south and the rest want to do it on the north. you should look around and find out what other people are doing if almost every bodie is doing their progect on tthe north then you should talk to your group and say hey how about we do our progect on the south if they all disagree whith you and even the one that dissagred with the group in the first place then you just say ok and do what they whant to do. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“ but not always do you have to just give up like that some times you just have to stick up for what you think. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choices, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“When some bodie agrees or disagrees about a group progect. You should try and listen to what they say and make a disishion. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“like when you have to do a progect on the civil war and one person says to do it about the south and the rest want to do it on the north. you should look around and find out what other people are doing if almost every bodie is doing their progect on tthe north then you should talk to your group and say hey how about we do our progect on the south if they all disagree whith you and even the one that dissagred with the group in the first place then you just say ok and do what they whant to do. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that presents a balanced argument on the issue “for” or “against” group projects, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“but not always do you have to just give up like that some times you just have to stick up for what you think. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Assimilation into a New Culture

After reading Richard Rodriguez's article "The Chinese in All of Us," think about the difficulties encountered by school-age immigrants. Rodriguez believes that immigrants inevitably need to assimilate into the new culture they become a part of, which makes it increasingly difficult to maintain one's own heritage, culture, and traditions.

In a multi-paragraph essay, argue whether you agree or disagree with Rodriguez's position. Include evidence from his writing to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In the article "The Chinese in All of Us," Richard Rodriguez states that immigrants need to assimilate into their new culture, even if that means they pay less attention to the culture they came from. I believe that immigrants should not be forced to assimilate into their new countries, even though they should learn the primary language of the new country to better help themselves. However, they should not be forced to assimilate so as to keep their holidays, traditional foods, and religion. The loss of their native culture, heritage, and traditions would be tragic. Assimilation should not be the law, but it does have advantages.

To begin, immigrants should learn a new country's language for many reasons. Firstly, they need to be able to communicate throughout their everyday lives, including while cooking, working, and driving. Secondly, if they can speak the new country's language, they will be more effective at their jobs and get better paying positions to support their families. Finally, it will enhance educational opportunities for themselves and their children. In any country, immigrants should learn the primary language.

On the other hand, immigrants retaining their own language is a great skill to have. It would help them communicate with relatives if they called or visited. As well, it could help them get jobs in which two languages are required. When they visit their country of origin, remembering their first language will help them retain their old culture. These skills could also help them start a new business. They could import and export goods between their new and old countries. Children raised in a bilingual home have greater opportunities for employment and education if they are encouraged to take advantage of those opportunities. Also, being able to speak two languages is a great skill to have.

Immigrants should have the option to keep celebrating their traditional holidays. Different cultures celebrate various holidays, such as Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Children's Day, and many others. In some cultures, certain clothing is required during certain celebrations. If immigrants were to continue celebrating their own holidays, they would be better able to retain their cultural heritage. Holidays are an important and vibrant part of most cultures and have intrinsic beauty. Holidays are a time when families gather together and strengthen the family unit. In this way, strong families are always a good foundation in any culture or country.

In addition, immigrants should have the right to continue enjoying their traditional foods. The cuisine that they usually enjoy will remind them of their native country. Food from their native lands creates a focal point for other immigrants from the same country. The cuisine will also be familiar and make them feel more at ease in their new land. The food and cultures of immigrants add important treasures to any new country.

Furthermore, religion plays a huge role in many countries. Immigrants should not be forced to change their religion, just because of the new country they live in. Praying is an important tradition in some cultures, and immigrants who retain their religious traditions are more comfortable. In some countries, people's entire lives are based around religion. Every religion has its own religious texts that immigrants should be able to still read. Therefore, religions should be retained and practiced in their own tongue, if they so desire.

In conclusion, immigrants should not be forced to learn a new country's language, but it is helpful to build a better community and to be more self sustaining in the new country. Some people think that a person should create a whole new life when they assimilate. This would strip people of their very identity. The immigrant should not be forced to assimilate to a new country's culture, but if they bring their cultures with them, it benefits the society as a whole, just as Richard Rodriguez discovered while growing up in Chinatown. Holidays, traditions, and religion should be retained to remind the immigrants of their homeland. Some countries need a little more culture in their societies. Immigration is a difficult process, and immigrants should be helped as much as possible during this challenge of a lifetime.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“In the article ‘The Chinese in All of Us,’ Richard Rodriguez states that immigrants need to assimilate into their new culture, even if that means they pay less attention to the culture they came from. I believe that immigrants should not be forced to assimilate into their new countries, even though they should learn the primary language of the new country to better help themselves.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“To begin, immigrants should learn a new country's language for many reasons. Firstly, they need to be able to communicate throughout their everyday lives, including while cooking, working, and driving. Secondly, if they can speak the new country's language, they will be more effective at their jobs and get better paying positions to support their families. Finally, it will enhance educational opportunities for themselves and their children. In any country, immigrants should learn the primary language.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that a person’s cultural heritage is too important to leave behind. (“Immigrants should have the option to keep celebrating their traditional holidays. Different cultures celebrate various holidays, such as Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Children's Day, and many others. In some cultures, certain clothing is required during certain celebrations. If immigrants were to continue celebrating their own holidays, they would be better able to retain their cultural heritage. Holidays are an important and vibrant part of most cultures and have intrinsic beauty. Holidays are a time when families gather together and strengthen the family unit. In this way, strong families are always a good foundation in any culture or country.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of assimilating into a new culture. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“On the other hand, immigrants retaining their own language is a great skill to have. It would help them communicate with relatives if they called or visited. As well, it could help them get jobs in which two languages are required. When they visit their country of origin, remembering their first language will help them retain their old culture. These skills could also help them start a new business. They could import and export goods between their new and old countries. Children raised in a bilingual home have greater opportunities for employment and education if they are encouraged to take advantage of those opportunities. Also, being able to speak two languages is a great skill to have.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about maintaining one’s cultural traditions, including foods. (“In addition, immigrants should have the right to continue enjoying their traditional foods. The cuisine that they usually enjoy will remind them of their native country. Food from their native lands creates a focal point for other immigrants from the same country. The cuisine will also be familiar and make them feel more at ease in their new land. The food and cultures of immigrants add important treasures to any new country.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some people think that a person should create a whole new life when they assimilate. This would strip people of their very identity. The immigrant should not be forced to assimilate to a new country's culture, but if they bring their cultures with them, it benefits the society as a whole, just as Richard Rodriguez discovered while growing up in Chinatown. Holidays, traditions, and religion should be retained to remind the immigrants of their homeland. Some countries need a little more culture in their societies.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“In the article ‘The Chinese in All of Us,’ Richard Rodriguez states that immigrants need to assimilate into their new culture, even if that means they pay less attention to the culture they came from. I believe that immigrants should not be forced to assimilate into their new countries, even though they should learn the primary language of the new country to better help themselves. However, they should not be forced to assimilate so as to keep their holidays, traditional foods, and religion. The loss of their native culture, heritage, and traditions would be tragic. Assimilation should not be the law, but it does have advantages.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to begin,” “on the other hand,” “therefore,” and “in conclusion” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Furthermore, religion plays a huge role in many countries. Immigrants should not be forced to change their religion, just because of the new country they live in. Praying is an important tradition in some cultures, and immigrants who retain their religious traditions are more comfortable. In some countries, people's entire lives are based around religion. Every religion has its own religious texts that immigrants should be able to still read. Therefore, religions should be retained and practiced in their own tongue, if they so desire.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“In conclusion, immigrants should not be forced to learn a new country's language, but it is helpful to build a better community and to be more self sustaining in the new country. Some people think that a person should create a whole new life when they assimilate. This would strip people of their very identity. The immigrant should not be forced to assimilate to a new country's culture, but if they bring their cultures with them, it benefits the society as a whole, just as Richard Rodriguez discovered while growing up in Chinatown. Holidays, traditions, and religion should be retained to remind the immigrants of their homeland. Some countries need a little more culture in their societies. Immigration is a difficult process, and immigrants should be helped as much as possible during this challenge of a lifetime.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“To begin, immigrants should learn a new country's language for many reasons. Firstly, they need to be able to communicate throughout their everyday lives, including while cooking, working, and driving. Secondly, if they can speak the new country's language, they will be more effective at their jobs and get better paying positions to support their families. Finally, it will enhance educational opportunities for themselves and their children. In any country, immigrants should learn the primary language.”)

The use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Immigrants should have the option to keep celebrating their traditional holidays. Different cultures celebrate various holidays, such as Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Children's Day, and many others. In some cultures, certain clothing is required during certain celebrations. If immigrants were to continue celebrating their own holidays, they would be better able to retain their cultural heritage. Holidays are an important and vibrant part of most cultures and have intrinsic beauty. Holidays are a time when families gather together and strengthen the family unit. In this way, strong families are always a good foundation in any culture or country.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by adding phrases and by combining sentences with conjunctions. (“Furthermore, religion plays a huge role in many countries. Immigrants should not be forced to change their religion, just because of the new country they live in. Praying is an important tradition in some cultures, and immigrants who retain their religious traditions are more comfortable. In some countries, people's entire lives are based around religion. Every religion has its own religious texts that immigrants should be able to still read. Therefore, religions should be retained and practiced in their own tongue, if they so desire.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“In the article ‘The Chinese in All of Us,’ Richard Rodriguez states that immigrants need to assimilate into their new culture, even if that means they pay less attention to the culture they came from. I believe that immigrants should not be forced to assimilate into their new countries, even though they should learn the primary language of the new country to better help themselves.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Culture is something that is with us always that we cannot forget or lose. Our culture is very important; it makes us who we are. Immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate to our culture or retain their own traditions. Some people may disagree with this comment, but I have three subjects to support this statement: people are entitled to ponder whatever they want containing culture, assimilating into a new country's culture is stressful, and maintaining personal culture is important.

To begin with, immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate or retain their own culture. Have you ever been to another country and not known what to do? This is how they feel when they move here, so be polite and try to help them. Some people are very sensitive about their cultures and would like to retain them while others are open-minded about their culture and could change parts of it to fit in more; ultimately, people are entitled to their own opinions and choices toward culture. Without different opinions we would not expand in knowledge, and everyone would be the same. In our world right now we are all diverse and we have different points of view which is important in our economy.

Assimilating into a new country's culture can be stressful yet beneficial. Moving is a hassle when you don't know anybody and you are new to the area. However, there are some things you need to become familiar with; like foreign languages, holidays they celebrate, and the government. If you moved from Mexico, and couldn't speak English you couldn't get a good job or support your family, even if you are an assiduous worker. You would need to know the holidays they celebrate because you could be off of work that day and you would not follow company policies. You would need to become familiar with the government because in some places you do not have free speech and you could get arrested. It also does have some positive outcome- it opens your knowledge to other cultures.

On the other hand, maintaining individual cultural practices creates a diversity of people where you live. This allows different points of view to come into consideration for decision making. Have you ever speculated about other cultures? Other cultures are interesting to learn about and may get lost but if we maintain our culture we can save rare cultures and study the thing's out-of-the-ordinary to us. We can come from all over the world but we are all human and we will accept others for whom they are. Their cultures may be foreign to us, but we are just as odd to them as they are to us.

In the end, some people say immigrants should give up everything and start over in their new country. I disagree. Immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate to our culture or retain their own. Our culture is very important; it makes us who we are. My three reasons to support this statement: people are entitled to their own opinions about culture, assimilating into a new country's culture is stressful, and maintaining personal culture is important.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue of assimilation and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate to our culture or retain their own traditions. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Some people may disagree with this comment, but I have three subjects to support this statement: people are entitled to ponder whatever they want containing culture, assimilating into a new country's culture is stressful, and maintaining personal culture is important. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion about immigrants having a choice. (“Some people are very sensitive about their cultures and would like to retain them while others are open-minded about their culture and could change parts of it to fit in more; ultimately, people are entitled to their own opinions and choices toward culture. Without different opinions we would not expand in knowledge, and everyone would be the same. In our world right now we are all diverse and we have different points of view which is important in our economy. ”)

Content & Development

The writer includes facts, examples, and explanations that effectively argue his/her position on the benefits of assimilating into a new culture. (“Assimilating into a new country's culture can be stressful yet beneficial. Moving is a hassle when you don't know anybody and you are new to the area. However, there are some things you need to become familiar with; like foreign languages, holidays they celebrate, and the government. If you moved from Mexico, and couldn't speak English you couldn't get a good job or support your family, even if you are an assiduous worker. You would need to know the holidays they celebrate because you could be off of work that day and you would not follow company policies. You would need to become familiar with the government because in some places you do not have free speech and you could get arrested. It also does have some positive outcome- it opens your knowledge to other cultures. ”)

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well balanced. (“On the other hand, maintaining individual cultural practices creates a diversity of people where you live. This allows different points of view to come into consideration for decision making. Have you ever speculated about other cultures? Other cultures are interesting to learn about and may get lost but if we maintain our culture we can save rare cultures and study the thing's out-of-the-ordinary to us. We can come from all over the world but we are all human and we will accept others for whom they are. Their cultures may be foreign to us, but we are just as odd to them as they are to us. ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“In the end, some people say immigrants should give up everything and start over in their new country. I disagree. Immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate to our culture or retain their own. Our culture is very important; it makes us who we are. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help the readers understand the issue. The writer describes the importance of culture and leads into the issue of assimilation. (“Culture is something that is with us always that we cannot forget or lose. Our culture is very important; it makes us who we are. Immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate to our culture or retain their own traditions. Some people may disagree with this comment, but I have three subjects to support this statement: people are entitled to ponder whatever they want containing culture, assimilating into a new country's culture is stressful, and maintaining personal culture is important. ”)

Transitions between and within paragraphs help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“To begin with, immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate or retain their own culture. Have you ever been to another country and not known what to do? This is how they feel when they move here, so be polite and try to help them. Some people are very sensitive about their cultures and would like to retain them while others are open-minded about their culture and could change parts of it to fit in more; ultimately, people are entitled to their own opinions and choices toward culture. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“In the end, some people say immigrants should give up everything and start over in their new country. I disagree. Immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate to our culture or retain their own. Our culture is very important; it makes us who we are. My three reasons to support this statement: people are entitled to their own opinions about culture, assimilating into a new country's culture is stressful, and maintaining personal culture is important. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“You would need to know the holidays they celebrate because you could be off of work that day and you would not follow company policies. You would need to become familiar with the government because in some places you do not have free speech and you could get arrested. ”)

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“In the end, some people say immigrants should give up everything and start over in their new country. I disagree. Immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate to our culture or retain their own. Our culture is very important; it makes us who we are. My three reasons to support this statement: people are entitled to their own opinions about culture, assimilating into a new country's culture is stressful, and maintaining personal culture is important. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“To begin with, immigrants should have a choice if they want to assimilate or retain their own culture. Have you ever been to another country and not known what to do? This is how they feel when they move here, so be polite and try to help them. Some people are very sensitive about their cultures and would like to retain them while others are open-minded about their culture and could change parts of it to fit in more; ultimately, people are entitled to their own opinions and choices toward culture. Without different opinions we would not expand in knowledge, and everyone would be the same. In our world right now we are all diverse and we have different points of view which is important in our economy. ”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“If you moved from Mexico, and couldn't speak English you couldn't get a good job or support your family, even if you are an assiduous worker. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that immigrants should try to assimilate into the new culture that they will be living in. They, should do this because people may think they are odd and not normal. Second of all, they should start using the new country's cultures because it may be fun. Last of all, doing something in their original culture may be illegal in the new country they are moving into.

When immigrants move to a new country, I think they should try to adapt to the new culture. They should do this so people don't think that they are abnormal. If your family decides to move to a new country and not doing the same culture things every body else does, the kids may have a hard time making new friends in their new school. Then the kids would want to move to a new school.

People are always immigrating to a different country, and they may think that their cultures aren't as fun or exciting as their original ones. When an immigrant tries to fit in with a new culture they may like it more then the original ones so they would stick with the new culture.

If an immigrant decides to not change their culture, it could be very bad. Some cultures in their hometown country may require thing that may be illegal in the new country they are moving into. If a culture has illegal things in it that are legal in their original country, they may be arrested and wouldn't know why they were. That is why I think immigrants should try to assimilate into the new countries cultures.

In, conclusion I think immigrants should try to assimilate in to the new culture because they kids at school may think the new kid is weird. Secondly, they may get bored of the normal cultures and may like the new cultures better. Last of all, the new cultures may require illegal things in the new country. That is why I think immigrants should try to assimilate into the new culture.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about the benefits of assimilating into a new culture and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I think that immigrants should try to assimilate into the new culture that they will be living in.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“When immigrants move to a new country, I think they should try to adapt to the new culture. They should do this so people don't think that they are abnormal. If your family decides to move to a new country and not doing the same culture things every body else does, the kids may have a hard time making new friends in their new school. Then the kids would want to move to a new school.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“If a culture has illegal things in it that are legal in their original country, they may be arrested and wouldn't know why they were. That is why I think immigrants should try to assimilate into the new countries cultures.”)

Content & Development

Most of the details in the essay support the writer’s argument for assimilating into a new culture. (“People are always immigrating to a different country, and they may think that their cultures aren't as fun or exciting as their original ones. When an immigrant tries to fit in with a new culture they may like it more then the original ones so they would stick with the new culture.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. The writer explains how difficult it could be for students in school if they do not try to fit in with the other kids. (“When immigrants move to a new country, I think they should try to adapt to the new culture. They should do this so people don't think that they are abnormal. If your family decides to move to a new country and not doing the same culture things every body else does, the kids may have a hard time making new friends in their new school. Then the kids would want to move to a new school.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately identifies the main ideas that will be addressed in the essay. (“I think that immigrants should try to assimilate into the new culture that they will be living in. They, should do this because people may think they are odd and not normal. Second of all, they should start using the new country's cultures because it may be fun. Last of all, doing something in their original culture may be illegal in the new country they are moving into.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “second” and “last of all” but only includes them in the introduction and conclusion to identify main ideas. He/she needs to add these transitional words to the body paragraphs to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Second of all, they should start using the new country's cultures because it may be fun. Last of all, doing something in their original culture may be illegal in the new country they are moving into.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“In, conclusion I think immigrants should try to assimilate in to the new culture because they kids at school may think the new kid is weird. Secondly, they may get bored of the normal cultures and may like the new cultures better. Last of all, the new cultures may require illegal things in the new country. That is why I think immigrants should try to assimilate into the new culture.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“When immigrants move to a new country, I think they should try to adapt to the new culture. They should do this so people don't think that they are abnormal. If your family decides to move to a new country and not doing the same culture things every body else does, the kids may have a hard time making new friends in their new school. Then the kids would want to move to a new school.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“People are always immigrating to a different country, and they may think that their cultures aren't as fun or exciting as their original ones. When an immigrant tries to fit in with a new culture they may like it more then the original ones so they would stick with the new culture.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“If an immigrant decides to not change their culture, it could be very bad. Some cultures in their hometown country may require thing that may be illegal in the new country they are moving into. If a culture has illegal things in it that are legal in their original country, they may be arrested and wouldn't know why they were. That is why I think immigrants should try to assimilate into the new countries cultures.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Last of all, the new cultures may require illegal things in the new country. That is why I think immigrants should try to assimilate into the new culture.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The United States currentiy has over twenty million immigrants. Many of these immigrants are children. When these children go to school, they learn new traditions. When people learn new traditions they loos there ather traitions. its hord to learn a new traditions.

Richard Rodrigues, a Mexican immigrant, agrees with me that it was hard to learn a new tradition. Richaed Rodriguez went to UT and there are alot of Americans. He was the only person that a different traditiond. He was trying to learn a new traditions. Mr. Rodrigues was around a lot of Chinese people and he started to act like them. He did not act like he was Mexican. He liked the New York Yankees and Walt Disney so he became American, even though that was not his culture.

I think that people change when they go to a new place. They do this because they are around a lot of people that have different cultures. They will want to fit in so they will change. Kids will need to learn a new language.

In conclusion, I think people should change to be like the people in their new culture.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of assimilation versus maintaining cultural differences but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ When people learn new traditions they loos there ather traitions. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but he/she does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“I think that people change when they go to a new place. They do this because they are around a lot of people that have different cultures. They will want to fit in so they will change. Kids will need to learn a new language. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against assimilation. The writer does attempt to address the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, but he/she does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“its hord to learn a new traditions. ”)

The writer includes a personal observation that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. (“I think that people change when they go to a new place. They do this because they are around a lot of people that have different cultures. They will want to fit in so they will change. Kids will need to learn a new language. ”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal beliefs that assimilation is natural, more details are necessary to create effective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas about Richard Rodriguez’s experience, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“ Richaed Rodriguez went to UT and there are alot of Americans. He was the only person that a different traditiond. He was trying to learn a new traditions. Mr. Rodrigues was around a lot of Chinese people and he started to act like them. He did not act like he was Mexican. He liked the New York Yankees and Walt Disney so he became American, even though that was not his culture. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer uses a statistic to give the number of immigrants in the country. (“ The United States currentiy has over twenty million immigrants. Many of these immigrants are children. When these children go to school, they learn new traditions. When people learn new traditions they loos there ather traitions. its hord to learn a new traditions. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“I think that people change when they go to a new place. They do this because they are around a lot of people that have different cultures. They will want to fit in so they will change. Kids will need to learn a new language.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice but relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Richaed Rodriguez went to UT and there are alot of Americans. He was the only person that a different traditiond. He was trying to learn a new traditions. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “he.” (“He was the only person that a different traditiond. He was trying to learn a new traditions. Mr. Rodrigues was around a lot of Chinese people and he started to act like them. He did not act like he was Mexican. He liked the New York Yankees and Walt Disney so he became American, even though that was not his culture. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ When people learn new traditions they loos there ather traitions. its hord to learn a new traditions. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Would if the immigrants came to the United States of America and they were supposed to learn english, but would if they had the choice to keep their culture and not take the americans culture?

If you picked learn american english, then that immigrant likes what their seeing in america and wants to try the american culture for some reason.Or that person really doesn't like his or her culture maybe they like american culture better.If the immigrant liked the the american culture, that person would probably want to want to learn the american english.Maybe that immigrant wants to try new things.

If you picked, keep you're culture, then that person either likes their culture better and wants to keep it, or that person hates what their seeing in the U.S. Immigrants probably love their culture and doesn't want to try to learn

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. The writer simply poses the question in the prompt task without taking a position on whether immigrants need to assimilate. (“ Would if the immigrants came to the United States of America and they were supposed to learn english, but would if they had the choice to keep their culture and not take the americans culture? ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. (“ If you picked learn american english, then that immigrant likes what their seeing in america and wants to try the american culture for some reason.Or that person really doesn't like his or her culture maybe they like american culture better.If the immigrant liked the the american culture, that person would probably want to want to learn the american english.Maybe that immigrant wants to try new things. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ If you picked, keep you're culture, then that person either likes their culture better and wants to keep it, or that person hates what their seeing in the U.S. Immigrants probably love their culture and doesn't want to try to learn ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on whether immigrants need to assimilate into a new culture. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ If you picked learn american english, then that immigrant likes what their seeing in america and wants to try the american culture for some reason.Or that person really doesn't like his or her culture maybe they like american culture better. ”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of maintaining cultural heritage. (“ If you picked, keep you're culture, then that person either likes their culture better and wants to keep it, or that person hates what their seeing in the U.S. Immigrants probably love their culture and doesn't want to try to learn ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Would if the immigrants came to the United States of America and they were supposed to learn english, but would if they had the choice to keep their culture and not take the americans culture? ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ Or that person really doesn't like his or her culture maybe they like american culture better.If the immigrant liked the the american culture, that person would probably want to want to learn the american english. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“Would if the immigrants came to the United States of America and they were supposed to learn english, but would if they had the choice to keep their culture and not take the americans culture? ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Or that person really doesn't like his or her culture maybe they like american culture better.If the immigrant liked the the american culture, that person would probably want to want to learn the american english. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes a definitive position on the argument of whether assimilation is more important than maintaining one’s heritage and traditions. (“If you picked, keep you're culture, then that person either likes their culture better and wants to keep it, or that person hates what their seeing in the U.S.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that kid who immigrate should keep their culture. because then the can feel at home. Other people could use there stuff. Make the own neiborhood and make a new traditions so we can remember them in the future so we can mix cultures together and just glob them up and make new ones so they can pass them down and have fun. And if we use or old traditions we can better understand ancient people in the future and some things they used back then could be useful in the future

So it always important to feel at home and be around the people you love and not spend to much time some where else. like go watch a movie or go out for bunch of food or even go to museum

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but the writer fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer’s focus is unclear. At first, he/she states that immigrants should maintain their own culture, but then the writer proposes mixing cultures together, which would support the argument for assimilation. (“ I think that kid who immigrate should keep their culture. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ Other people could use there stuff. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. The writer should agree or disagree with the need for immigrants to assimilate into a new culture. (“ Make the own neiborhood and make a new traditions so we can remember them in the future so we can mix cultures together and just glob them up and make new ones so they can pass them down and have fun. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of assimilation. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include meaningful details to support the stated opinion. (“I think that kid who immigrate should keep their culture. because then the can feel at home. Other people could use there stuff. ”)

Since the response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented in body paragraphs in the essay. (“I think that kid who immigrate should keep their culture. because then the can feel at home. Other people could use there stuff. Make the own neiborhood and make a new traditions so we can remember them in the future so we can mix cultures together and just glob them up and make new ones so they can pass them down and have fun. And if we use or old traditions we can better understand ancient people in the future and some things they used back then could be useful in the future… So it always important to feel at home and be around the people you love and not spend to much time some where else. like go watch a movie or go out for bunch of food or even go to museum”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not include facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states that it may be useful in the future to maintain one’s heritage. (“And if we use or old traditions we can better understand ancient people in the future and some things they used back then could be useful in the future ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think that kid who immigrate should keep their culture. because then the can feel at home. Other people could use there stuff. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ Make the own neiborhood and make a new traditions so we can remember them in the future so we can mix cultures together and just glob them up and make new ones so they can pass them down and have fun. And if we use or old traditions we can better understand ancient people in the future and some things they used back then could be useful in the future ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or that leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ So it always important to feel at home and be around the people you love and not spend to much time some where else. like go watch a movie or go out for bunch of food or even go to museum ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“because then the can feel at home. Other people could use there stuff. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ Make the own neiborhood and make a new traditions so we can remember them in the future so we can mix cultures together and just glob them up and make new ones so they can pass them down and have fun. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“So it always important to feel at home and be around the people you love and not spend to much time some where else. like go watch a movie or go out for bunch of food or even go to museum ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ I think that kid who immigrate should keep their culture. because then the can feel at home. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Banning Books

Some members of your school board want to ban certain books from the public library. They feel that these books contain topics unsuitable for young readers. Do you agree that some kinds of books should be banned from the library? Do you disagree?

Write a letter to your school board persuading the members that these books should be banned or that these books should not be banned.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Banning Books

Dear School Board,

As a young and eager reader, I pay regular visits to the local library. One day I checked out a book and brought it home with me. As I cracked it open and began to read, I came upon an inappropriate topic for children my age and immediately closed the book, afraid to continue. I was both frazzled and angry at what I had found. Since the book came from the Young Adult section of the library, I was surprised to find a topic that made me feel uncomfortable. I was angry because what I had read had corrupted my thoughts and is sure to give other unknowing readers quite a surprise. Having books that contain unsuitable topics for young readers is not acceptable. I feel that we need to take action immediately and ban these types of books because they leave unsuspecting readers corrupted, children don't need to be exposed to unsuitable topics, and banning these books will protect children from undesired influences.

The first reason why books that contain unsuitable topics for readers should be banned is because they corrupt unsuspecting readers. If a child reads a book that has many vulgar words throughout, they believe that these words are okay and begin to use them in their daily language. This is unacceptable because children need to know that these words are not a good thing, and the idea of them being okay to use is just re-enforced through what the child reads. A young reader may even go out and shoplift because a character in a book they read did it and they think it's cool. Having inappropriate types of books available for children to read is just as bad, if not worse as children being allowed to watch R rated movies. Once you read something you cannot forget it, especially if it leaves an imprint in your brain. If these imprints are inappropriate, a child's way of thinking becomes corrupted and their decisions are changed because of the bad influence. Children will be left with a distorted and inadequate picture in their mind that will not be forgotten for a long time.

The second reason why inappropriate titles should be banned from local libraries is because children do not need to be exposed to unsuitable topics. Having them introduced to something inappropriate will do nothing except harm a child. People may say that there is no point in banning unsuitable books because young people will just learn about these topics somewhere else. While it is impossible for parents to stop their child from learning things they do not want them to know about, some books introduce new vulgar ideas and even describe them in detail. Children definitely do not need to have a livid description on something inappropriate and seeing it in a book will make them think that it is no big deal. We need to take action immediately and ban unsuitable books. If you still feel a need to have these types of books in your library, they should all be put into an Adult Section so children won't unexpectedly stumble across it and be exposed to something inappropriate.

The third and final reason why these types of books need to be banned is because it will protect them from undesired influences. A piece of literary material has the power to influence a child to make a good or bad decision. Children will be influenced by a character in the book and copy their actions even if they aren't in the child's best interest. Sometimes a child will not realize that their character's actions are not good because they are so caught up trying to be like them. This could ultimately hurt a child's life and close open doors for their future if they do something very extreme. Influences mean everything to a child of a tender age and one bad experience could sway their decisions forever. Making it impossible for young people to be badly influenced through books can only happen if we ban inappropriate books.

Having books in public libraries that have topics unsuitable for young readers needs to be stopped immediately. These types of books do nothing but hurt young people. The decision to remove these books can benefit many lives all over the world. Banning books that are inappropriate for children is something that needs to happen in every public library because those types of books corrupt children's mind, they expose children to unsuitable topics, and they are undesirable influences for young readers all over the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this insightful essay, the author establishes and maintains a convincing thesis. (“I feel that we need to take action immediately and ban these types of books because they leave unsuspecting readers corrupted, children don't need to be exposed to unsuitable topics, and banning these books will protect children from undesired influences.”) This response demonstrates the writer’s ability to effectively persuade his/her audience by effectively developing support, understanding the audience, and thoroughly completing all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

This essay effectively develops the author’s arguments using specific and relevant details. What makes this argument so convincing is the wide variety of supporting information the author offers. (“Sometimes a child will not realize that their character's actions are not good because they are so caught up trying to be like them. This could ultimately hurt a child's life and close open doors for their future if they do something very extreme.”) Additionally, the author states and successfully addresses opposing points of view. (“People may say that there is no point in banning unsuitable books because young people will just learn about these topics somewhere else. While it is impossible for parents to stop their child from learning things they do not want them to know about, some books introduce new vulgar ideas and even describe them in detail.”)

Organization

This response demonstrates an entirely unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph starts off strong by attracting the readers’ attention (“As a young and eager reader, I pay regular visits to the local library. One day I checked out a book and brought it home with me. As I cracked it open and began to read, I came upon an inappropriate topic for children my age and immediately closed the book, afraid to continue.”), and it ends in a focused thesis statement. Each paragraph begins with a transitional device and focused topic sentence. (“The second reason why inappropriate titles should be banned from local libraries is because children do not need to be exposed to unsuitable topics.”) The concluding paragraph summarizes the three supporting ideas and makes a final attempt to persuade the audience. (“Having books in public libraries that have topics unsuitable for young readers needs to be stopped immediately. These types of books do nothing but hurt young people.”)

Language Use & Style

It is obvious that this author has a clear sense of his/her intended audience and effectively uses precise word choice to communicate with them. The essay’s use of language is artfully communicated through well-structured and varied sentences. (“Once you read something you cannot forget it, especially if it leaves an imprint in your brain. If these imprints are inappropriate, a child's way of thinking becomes corrupted and their decisions are changed because of the bad influence. Children will be left with a distorted and inadequate picture in their mind that will not be forgotten for a long time.”) A defined voice is also evident in this response.

Mechanics & Conventions

Although a few minor grammatical errors do exist, they do not interfere with the message. For the most part, the author demonstrates effective control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear School Board,

I am writing this letter because I disagree with your idea of banning books. I think that all kids need books and if it is inappropriate, then they shouldn't let younger children check them out. Children need books to learn about stuff that they will eventually learn during their life. It is better for them to know at the right age then knowing at the wrong age. You should not ban books because it'll help kids learn more, it'll let them learn more words, and it'll help them in life.

I think no one should ban books because it could help kids learn more if they read more books that they like other than not reading anything at all. It helps kids learn by teaching them the lessons some people might endure in life. It will probably make them decide what choices they're going to make when they grow older or when they're in that sort of situation. If they learn about peer pressure when it is the appropriate time then they will find a way to get out of the situation.

Another reason for you not to ban books is because some books that they might read might have words that they don't know. If they come across those words then they might want to know what it means and they might look it up in a dictionary. The might also ask their parents for the meaning of the words they just read. They would learn new words by reading books that their pace and speed that they would like. Some people say that if you don't ban the books that are inappropriate then any one would read them and anyone will introduce it to little kids. If you don't show the little kids and if the people who work at the library see people who aren't supposed to be reading it then they should get the book taken away from them.

Books will also help kids in life because some of the books written will probably have solutions to problems even thoiugh they might be inappropriate for some eyes, for others they would probably know mostly everything there is to know. Some of the kids might need to know some stuff that is in the book, even if it is inappropriate. Some of the books that might have inappropriate stuff in it might not even have anything. It might only be in the cover so it will make people think that. Some teenagers get those books when it's really about learning in life, about mistakes, choices, peer pressure, and everything every teenager might need and might know.

In conclusion, I don't think banning books is a good idea because it helps kids learn more, help them learn more words, and it'll help them in their life. It is very hard for kids to learn about anything when there aren't books that they might like to read. Helping kids learn is what most parents want and what most teachers want also. If they don't have books, then they might not even bother to read anything at all. That's why books are important, no matter if it is inappropriate or if it is educational.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author demonstrates a general understanding of the task and intended audience. (“I am writing this letter because I disagree with your idea of banning books.”) A strong and persuasive thesis statement is established and maintained throughout the essay. (“You should not ban books because it'll help kids learn more, it'll let them learn more words, and it'll help them in life.”)

Content & Development

Three central reasons make up the backbone of this argument. Each supporting idea is developed using sufficient, specific details and examples. (“It will probably make them decide what choices they're going to make when they grow older or when they're in that sort of situation. If they learn about peer pressure when it is the appropriate time then they will find a way to get out of the situation.”) Additionally, the student addresses opposing points of view to further support his/her position. (“Some people say that if you don't ban the books that are inappropriate then any one would read them and anyone will introduce it to little kids. If you don't show the little kids and if the people who work at the library see people who aren't supposed to be reading it then they should get the book taken away from them.”)

Organization

This response demonstrates a mostly unified structure. The introduction establishes the argument and the student’s opinion, while demonstrating an understanding of the intended audience. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“Books will also help kids in life because some of the books written will probably have solutions to problems even thoiugh they might be inappropriate for some eyes, for others they would probably know mostly everything there is to know.”) The conclusion successfully reiterates the author’s position and makes a last attempt at persuasion. (“It is very hard for kids to learn about anything when there aren't books that they might like to read. Helping kids learn is what most parents want and what most teachers want also.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use and style are suitable for this assigned task. Although some word choice is vague (“stuff”), most words are varied and well-chosen (“endure”). Sentences are also well-constructed. (“If they learn about peer pressure when it is the appropriate time then they will find a way to get out of the situation.”) This student is also able to demonstrate some evidence of voice in this essay. (“Some teenagers get those books when it's really about learning in life, about mistakes, choices, peer pressure, and everything every teenager might need and might know.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Although not without errors (“thoiugh”), these mistakes do not interfere with the student’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everyone likes to enjoy a book or short story once in a while. At the school library there are many books that children can choose from. There also may be some books in the library that are unsuitable for children or young adults. Lots of people can choose these books to read if they would like. I think that they shouldn't be banned because some of those books are educational, enjoyable, and free of choice.

The local library is filled with books that many can choose from. Even though there might be a book unsuitable for children, there might be an adult that would want to check them out. I think that some of those books can be educational for adults. Some of those types of books children might not understand, or they may not be appropriate. I think many of the books adults check out are way different from the ones children check out, so I think that children shouldn't check out books that are for adults.

Most of the time people check out books for their enjoyment. That may not always be true, sometimes people have to check out books for a project or report of some type. Many children check out books for reports and some read for enjoyment. I think that children shouldn't check out adult books unless they need to. In most cases children check out adult books for learning not enjoyment. I don't think it would be fair to some people if they took books out of the library just because of children.

All books are free of choice. If parents don't want their child to check out books their not allowed to then I think that they should go with them or supervise them if they are so worried. This can be easier for some parents to know what their child is checking out. They also could have an age limit to books and they should have age limits on them. Parents shouldn't be that worried because they should at least have some kind of idea what their child is checking out.

In conclusion, I think that this would be unfair. They should have to ban books just because the school board wants them to. There are many opinions that are different from mine. If I could have my way then I would not have any of the books banned from any libraries. Hopefully some people would think the same.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response adequately addresses the writing prompt and attempts to persuade the audience. This author establishes a thesis statement (“I think that they shouldn't be banned because some of those books are educational, enjoyable, and free of choice“) and exhibits a basic understanding of the task. Many parts of the task are completed through this effort.

Content & Development

The writer develops his/her thesis using some accurate and relevant support. Additionally, he/she weaves readers’ concerns into the argument to round out the debate. Specifically, in the three body paragraphs, the writer introduces several interesting alternatives to banning books that address readers’ concerns and support the stance against books being banned from local libraries. Although the arguments could be further developed with more specific details and examples, the writer’s reasoning remains adequate and persuasive. (“If parents don't want their child to check out books their not allowed to then I think that they should go with them or supervise them if they are so worried. This can be easier for some parents to know what their child is checking out. They also could have an age limit to books and they should have age limits on them.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a satisfactory organizational structure. The introductory paragraph attempts to engage the reader (“Everyone likes to enjoy a book or short story once in a while“) and take a side on the presented issue. Each body paragraph is centered on one particular supporting idea. (“Most of the time people check out books for their enjoyment.”) Although not completely convincing, the conclusion is noticeable, as the student attempts to further persuade the audience. (“If I could have my way then I would not have any of the books banned from any libraries.”)

Language Use & Style

Although the author’s writing style is simple, for the most part, the language use is appropriate. Sentence structure and word choice are adequate for this task. (“I think many of the books adults check out are way different from the ones children check out, so I think that children shouldn't check out books that are for adults.”) The author shows a satisfactory ability to communicate with the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates an adequate ability to control the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Although there are some noticeable errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation (“That may not always be true, sometimes people have to check out books for a project or report of some type.”), they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Board of Education,

I think that the books should be banned from the school library. Some books have inappropriate language that is not suitable for any kid between the ages of three through fourteen.If the kids read the books with the bad words they might bring the words into there home were they might have a little sibling that will repeat the word and get in trouble. If the parents hear the word then the kids will get in trouble.The parents then will have complaints and sew.

Another reason why I think books should be banned from the school library because the books that are in the library should only be fiction and Nonfiction and books that contain research to help you on projects for any subjects. Library's should also contain books for kids who are in kindergarten so they can have books also.

My last reason why I think certain books should be banned is because

all of the other books for grown ups should be in a separate library's. I think this because grown up books should be separate because the contents may not be suitable for kids to see. Grown up books should be separated from kids because some of the words are harder than little kids words. I also think some books should not of been published because me personnaly do not make sense or just being borring. What do you think?

Sencerly,

A concernd student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author attempts to establish an opinion in response to the prompt. (“I think that the books should be banned from the school library. Some books have inappropriate language that is not suitable for any kid between the ages of three through fourteen.”) Although this student is obviously demonstrating effort in attempting to convince the reader, the argument is limited in its development and persuasive capabilities. This response completes only some parts of the task.

Content & Development

Although the essay does include some arguments to support the author’s position (“Another reason why I think books should be banned from the school library because the books that are in the library should only be fiction and Nonfiction and books that contain research to help you on projects for any subjects. Library's should also contain books for kids who are in kindergarten so they can have books also.”), the ideas are unclear and insufficiently presented.

Organization

The organization of this essay is limited and uncertain, but some evidence of structure is evident. The introduction does establish the author’s position. However, it loses focuses halfway through. (“If the kids read the books with the bad words they might bring the words into there home were they might have a little sibling that will repeat the word and get in trouble. If the parents hear the word then the kids will get in trouble.The parents then will have complaints and sew.”) Although the response contains two body paragraphs, it lacks a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is not completely inadequate, it is quite simple. (“My last reason why I think certain books should be banned is because all of the other books for grown ups should be in a separate library's.”) This response lacks sophisticated word choice and variety. (“Grown up books should be separated from kids because some of the words are harder than little kids words.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Several errors in conventions and mechanics are noticeable. However, the errors in spelling (“personnaly”), punctuation (“Library's should”), and grammar (“The parents then will have complaints and sew “) do not significantly interfere with the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear School Board,

I think the school board should not ban books from our high school. Who are they to decide what is offensive to me? All of my friends swear so what IS the big deal if I I read it in a book. For example, Of mice and men has swear words throughout that book. Even with the swear word it was still a really good book.

These book teach us important lessons we need to know. I have always heard the saying that "knowledge is Power" If we cannot read these books then we would be ignorant.. We are learning from these books.

I think is that by censoringing the authors they won't write as well.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This student makes an obvious attempt at stating a clear position on this topic. (“I think the school board should not ban books from our high school. Who are they to decide what is offensive to me?”) However, this opinion is only minimally developed and maintained. Therefore, the writer is unable to demonstrate an adequate understanding of the purpose of the task and intended audience. Few parts of the task are completed.

Content & Development

Some details are presented to support the essay’s position, but these reasons are undeveloped and insufficient. (“For example, Of mice and men has swear words throughout that book. Even with the swear word it was still a really good book.”) The arguments are inadequate because they lack elaboration with examples, facts, and details. (“These book teach us important lessons we need to know. I have always heard the saying that "knowledge is Power" If we cannot read these books then we would be ignorant.”)

Organization

Little evidence of organizational structure is detected in this short response. Although an opinion is stated at the beginning of the response, an adequate introduction is not constructed. (“I think the school board should not ban books from our high school. Who are they to decide what is offensive to me? All of my friends swear so what IS the big deal if I I read it in a book. For example, Of mice and men has swear words throughout that book. Even with the swear word it was still a really good book.”) The single body paragraph consists of only three sentences, and the conclusion is a lone sentence. This response could be greatly improved with proper paragraphing, transitional devices, and a well-constructed introduction and conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This author demonstrates inadequate language use and word choice in his/her response. The word choice and voice do not demonstrate an understanding of the intended audience. (“Who are they to decide what is offensive to me? All of my friends swear so what IS the big deal if I I read it in a book.”) Although there are few errors in basic sentence structure, the language use is certainly limited.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors in spelling (“censoringing”), grammar (“These book teach us”), and punctuation (“what IS the big deal if I I read it in a book”) detract from the message in this essay. These mistakes bring into question the author’s ability to meet the standard conventions of written English.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why sould they band books from the Public library? The library is for looking thing up and helping people out.if you were to take a book out you would problmely use,people would have to every were to find the book. I could see if it was a bad book, but books is to learn. If out book they would not help someone out.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes some effort at stating an opinion, his/her position is unclear and does not demonstrate an understanding of the purpose of this task. (“Why sould they band books from the Public library… If out book they would not help someone out.”) The author states one reason for his/her position and does not explain it. Thus, this essay completes no part of the task.

Content & Development

No details are provided to support the author’s single reason against banning books. (“The library is for looking thing up and helping people out.if you were to take a book out you would problmely use,people would have to every were to find the book.”) With such little evidence and support, the reader is likely to remain unconvinced of the soundness of the author’s position.

Organization

The organization in this composition is wholly inadequate. In the space of four lines, one cannot discern any evidence of an organizational structure. The essay lacks an introduction and a conclusion. The response does not contain any indication of paragraphing or transitional devices. (“Why sould they band books from the Public library? The library is for looking thing up and helping people out.if you were to take a book out you would problmely use,people would have to every were to find the book. I could see if it was a bad book, but books is to learn. If out book they would not help someone out.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use, word choice, and style are unclear and incoherent. (“if you were to take a book out you would problmely use,people would have to every were to find the book. I could see if it was a bad book, but books is to learn.”) This student demonstrates no awareness of audience evidenced by the major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer lacks the ability to control the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. The errors in grammar (“books is to learn”), punctuation, and spelling (“Why sould they band books“) significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Banning Dangerous Pets

While many people enjoy the company of common pets, such as fish, cats, dogs, and birds, others prefer more unusual pets, such as ferrets, spiders, and snakes. There are others who choose to own more dangerous pets, such as tigers, monkeys, or even sharks. Imagine your town council is concerned about people owning some of these animals and has decided that some of them should be banned.

In a multi-paragraph essay, write a letter to your town council expressing your opinion on which pets should be banned. Be sure to include specific details and examples to persuade your readers.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Town Council,

I am very concerned about some of my neighbors’ pets. Some of my neighbors own very dangerous animals, and I am worried about our safety in the community. Dangerous pets are of course, dangerous, can get out of out of control, and are scary to little children and handicapped people. I strongly believe that dangerous pets, such as tigers, monkeys and snakes should be banned from our community. I also believe that many people agree with me about banning these dangerous animals. In my opinion, dangerous animals that are being treated like pets by their owners should be banned.

Dangerous pets are a hazard to our community. It is obvious, of course, that dangerous pets are called dangerous for a reason. It wouldn’t be safe for anyone to have a neighbor who owns a dangerous pet because it can get loose and be poisonous. Those animals can also get out of control. Monkeys, for example, are very aggressive animals who might get out of control and no person in their right mind would try of going after it if it runs away. Another reason of why having a dangerous pet nearby is a bad idea is that they are perilous to small children and handicapped people. Little children don’t have common sense yet, and they don’t know whether an animal is dangerous or not. Handicapped people, like a person on a wheelchair, may not be able to move fast enough to escape. Banning these dangerous animals is a good way to ensure our safety.

On the other hand, other people might not find it necessary to ban these animals. One of their reasons might be that banning their pets would be a violation to their rights. They might argue that the U.S. is a free country, and everyone has a right to do whatever they please. Another argument would be that the owners are responsible for their own pets. They might say that if they bought the animal, they bought it knowing the advantages and disadvantages and would be fully responsible of anything that happens. If they know that, then the owners would take good care of the pets, so they don’t get into trouble. The last argument that they would offer would be that even though animals are dangerous, they can somehow be trained.

Even though the other side’s arguments can be very strong, I still believe my opinion is more reasonable. The most important thing people think about when they move is how safe the community is. If I was looking for a place to live and found out that the community allows the residents to have dangerous pets, I would not even think of searching for houses in that area. It wouldn’t be fair for the neighbors to live in fear in thinking if the dangerous animal is ever going to get loose or anything scary like that. Living in a community where dangerous pets are banned, would be a relief.

So, if the town council is deciding on banning dangerous pets, they have my support. Dangerous pets are a hazard to all the residents, especially small children and handicapped people. Problems would also arise if the pet gets loose and puts everyone in danger. Of course, dangerous pets lurking around wouldn’t be a good idea because the animal might be poisonous or aggressive. In my opinion, dangerous pets should be banned and that would be a great step towards making this community a better place to live in.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits strong focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear and convincing position that effectively persuades the reader to understand his/her insights regarding the topic. (“I strongly believe that dangerous pets, such as tigers, monkeys and snakes should be banned from our community. I also believe that many people agree with me about banning these dangerous animals.”) The writer also demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task while providing pertinent details regarding his/her position on the given topic.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is well developed and effectively supports the writer’s position. The writer illustrates his/her position with relevant, accurate, and thought-provoking details. Furthermore, the writer convincingly addresses potential counterarguments to his/her position. (“On the other hand, other people might not find it necessary to ban these animals. One of their reasons might be that banning their pets would be a violation to their rights…. Even though the other side’s arguments can be very strong, I still believe my opinion is more reasonable.”)

Organization

This essay is effectively organized. The five-paragraph structure contains a clear introduction and effective conclusion that results in bringing the writer’s composition full-circle. (“I am very concerned about some of my neighbors’ pets…. In my opinion, dangerous pets should be banned and that would be a great step towards making this community a better place to live in.”) The writer’s body paragraphs are cohesive with evidence of topic sentences and transitional phrases. (“On the other hand, other people might not find it necessary to ban these animals.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience are evident; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied. (“ It is obvious, of course, that dangerous pets are called dangerous for a reason…. Problems would also arise if the pet gets loose and puts everyone in danger.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer maintains effective control over mechanics and conventions. The essay itself reveals few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“They might argue that the U.S. is a free country, and everyone has a right to do whatever they please. Another argument would be that the owners are responsible for their own pets.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever seen people being killed by animals like, tigers, sharks and other wild animals? I don’t think you would like that to happen to you. My town council has decided that this type of pets should be banned. I believe this type of pets should be banned from the people because of many safety reasons. First of all, these types of pets are dangerous to the community and they can even be dangerous to their owners. Second reason, these wild pets can harm people for no reason because they are not civilized. My last reason would be that tigers, monkeys, and sharks can cause many problems to a town or city.

Wild animals are not supposed to be pets because they are dangerous to everyone. For example, a tiger might escape from his owner and then run away killing people causing chaos in town. As I said before, these animals can harm people or even kill them. When wild animals run loose they can kill anyone because in their point of view people are cruel to them. The third reason for why this type of animals should be banned is that they can cause diseases in the city or town. This can happen because animals can catch a disease and spread it out to all the city and cause an epidemic. This is why dangerous animals should be banned from the city.

There are others who have a different point of view. Others may think that banning these animals are wrong because they can be used as protection against burglars or criminals. For example, if someone tries to go inside a house a tiger can prevent that. They may also think that having these animals can help them make money. They can make money by making an aquarium and have people pay to watch a real shark or land animal and pet it. It would be good business. Other people may also say that these type of pets are better than a dog or cat because they can be useful. This is what others may say.

Although there are other opinions, I must say that mine is better because I state the truth. You have to understand that wild animals are born free and they shouldn't be used as pets. They will only harm people because they are from nature not from the city. If we have monkeys, tigers, sharks and other dangerous animals they will only cause chaos in the city because they are not civilized. People think that these animals can protect them from criminals or burglars. It is true but they can get used to it and start harming people for no reason. They can also start an epidemic because they will eat anything. My position states the reality.

In conclusion, I hope you understand that it is wrong to have dangerous animals as pets. My town council has decided to ban all this type of animals and I agree with them. I believe those animals should be banned because they will only bring problems to the people. I don't think you would like to be killed or harmed by an animal that is a pet who only ran away. They will bring chaos to the city. I don’t think you would like to be attacked by your own pet, it is embarrassing. You can be fined by having your pet attack someone for no reason and wild animals do that. Aren't you afraid of tigers or monkeys that can get crazy and start to harm people?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates understanding of purpose and audience, effectively completing the task. Furthermore, the writer establishes and maintains a clear and persuasive position throughout his/her essay. (“First of all, these types of pets are dangerous to the community and they can even be dangerous to their owners….Although there are other opinions, I must say that mine is better because I state the truth.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes good content and thoughtful development. The writer’s arguments are developed using specific details and support. (“You can be fined by having your pet attack someone for no reason and wild animals do that.”) The writer also successfully addresses opposing viewpoints and counterarguments. (“There are others who have a different point of view. Others may think that banning these animals are wrong because they can be used as protection against burglars or criminals.”)

Organization

This essay is well organized and cohesive. The five-paragraph structure contains an introduction, conclusion, and some transitional phrases. (“In conclusion, I hope you understand that it is wrong to have dangerous animals as pets.”) Moreover, the topic sentences are evident and sequential in relation to the writer’s original thesis, thus contributing to the clarity of the essay.

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. The writer uses appropriate language, includes evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured with some variety . (“They will only harm people because they are from nature not from the city. If we have monkeys, tigers, sharks and other dangerous animals they will only cause chaos in the city because they are not civilized.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay does exhibit some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but these minor errors do not interfere with the writer’s message. (“ My town council has decided that this type of pets should be banned.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What animals are now being considered as pets? Do some of these pets endanger communities with young children? Should they be banned? Many rare and unusual animals are now being homed in nearby communities. This factor can endanger everyone. I believe that cities should ban all animals that are not meant to be kept as pets. Lets put it this way, if you wouldn't leave a certain animal alone with your three year old son, its most likely not an animal that should be allowed to be kept as pet.

Day after day we see incidents of kids getting bitten by the family dog, and being very severely injured or hurt. Now stop to imagine how many more incidents would be occurring if wild animals were being homed as pets. Pretty scary right. Limits should be placed as to what kind of animals are and aren’t allowed. An example of a dangerous pet is a monkey. Monkeys can very cute and cuddly, but can also carry and transfer aids.

For all fish lovers, a Gold fish can be a great pet. But as soon as you start wanting to own bigger fish such as sharks, then it can be very dangerous. Sharks can have a very good side to them but as soon as their shark hormones kick in, then its dangerous. There are many examples of dangerous pets that shouldn’t be kept in a normal, city-like community. There is always the danger of a wild animal escaping and hurting a friendly neighbor or such. Many people believe that if you own a wild animal since birth, and you raise it, and train it to be used to humans, nothing will happen and everything would be okay. I am here to say that that is not true. Again we have seen incidents of people who for example own baby lion cubs, and raise them, and everything seems okay, but once they start getting older there wild nature starts coming back and that's when people get hurt.

Why do people feel the obligation to have to own wild pets? We all know there are different ways to express your love for certain animals, and housing them doesn't seem like the right solution. Its just to dangerous. I believe that city councils should post a list of animals that should be banned and the list should be enforced.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay maintains adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the reader. (“ I believe that cities should ban all animals that are not meant to be kept as pets.”) A basic understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated throughout the essay, and the task is sufficiently completed.

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are adequate. Arguments are developed using some specific and relevant details, and the writer briefly addresses a potential counterargument to his/her position. (“ Many people believe that if you own a wild animal since birth, and you raise it, and train it to be used to humans, nothing will happen and everything would be okay. I am here to say that that is not true.”)

Organization

The organization of this four-paragraph essay is adequate. The essay exhibits a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but evidence of transition and paragraphing devices within this essay is subtle. (“ Day after day we see incidents of kids getting bitten by the family dog, and being very severely injured or hurt.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is adequate. A ppropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, is apparent within this essay. Sentence structure is generally correct with some variety. (“ Why do people feel the obligation to have to own wild pets? We all know there are different ways to express your love for certain animals, and housing them doesn’t seem like the right solution.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors relating to grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“Its just to dangerous. I believe that city councils should post a list of animals that should be banned and the list should be enforced.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have a question would you like to have a very rare animal that is very vicious, right inside your neighbors house? Of course not! You want to be safe in your house with your precious family. Here are some things you would not want. My opinion would have to be that you should not ban monkeys there cute and do not hurt people however, all those pets that can terminate you should be expelled. I wouldn’t suffer from them not being in my backyard. They shouldn’t be in yours without a cage a big cage and trained not to cause damage to people.

For all those people who have normal pets like cats, dogs, horses, cows on farms, so on but nothing like zebras, alligators, tigers, and kangaroos. Wow this may sound brutal, but really it’s pretty nice compared to what we should do to all the rare species living in the wrong climate. to the council why would you let this problem get worse. I myself adores rare species, but do not want them in my house or my neighbors. I mean in the news there is dogs biting people faces off. So if a dog can do that, think of what a rare species can do to you. If you want harm live by all these, or if you want to be safe and have a friendly neighborhood then vote to ban bad pets so no other family will get hurt thank you for voting.

Now other people would have a different opinion and they can tell the city council about that, but this is my story for now. Most people would have to agree if they were their neighbors. I should know my best friend has a cousin who now only has one arm because her neighbor had an alligator and it chased her than bit her and she lost her arm! Heres for all the people that want those animals out City Council please listen to us WE WANT THEM OUT!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has limited focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates an inadequate understanding of purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The writer does state an opinion, but the writer’s position is obscured by weak and indistinct support. (“Wow this may sound brutal, but really it’s pretty nice compared to what we should do to all the rare species living in the wrong climate. to the council why would you let this problem get worse. I myself adores rare species, but do not want them in my house or my neighbors. I mean in the news there is dogs biting people faces off.”)

Content & Development

The content and development in this essay are limited. Arguments are developed briefly, sometimes with ineffectual details and support. (“My opinion would have to be that you should not ban monkeys there cute and do not hurt people however, all those pets that can terminate you should be expelled. I wouldn't suffer from them not being in my backyard.”)

Organization

This three-paragraph essay demonstrates limited organization. There is evidence of an introduction and a conclusion, but the organization of details within the introduction and conclusion is unclear. The essay also lacks cohesion and consistent use of transitional devices. (“For all those people who have normal pets like cats, dogs, horses, cows on farms, so on but nothing like zebras, alligators, tigers, and kangaroos.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice with some awareness of audience. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. (“Now other people would have a different opinion and they can tell the city council about that, but this is my story for now. Most people would have to agree if they were their neighbors.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“If you want harm live by all these, or if you want to be safe and have a friendly neighborhood then vote to ban bad pets so no other family will get hurt thank you for voting.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

My point of view on the thought of banning all dangerous animals is a good idea but it still doesn’t mean that im all for it. Sure it would lower the chance of anyone getting hurt by a complete wild animal but that’s some of the reasons people get this dangerous companions and that's half the fun. Most likely the people that have these wild animal are either crazy, rich, or a real go getter if you catch my drift.

There’s tons of reasons as I may have mentioned in the paragraph before as in wild people looking for a new hobby and trying to find out how hard it is to take care of a wild animal, someone doing an experiment to try to domesticate a wild animal and when i mean by domesticate i mean to tame or just to have the rush of having a wild animal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. A minimal understanding of the purpose and audience is also demonstrated, with few parts of the task completed. The writer’s thesis statement is uncertain and poorly developed. (“My point of view on the thought of banning all dangerous animals is a good idea but it still doesn’t mean that im all for it.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content is minimally developed. The writer develops his/her position inadequately and incompletely, using few persuasive details. (“Sure it would lower the chance of anyone getting hurt by a complete wild animal but that's some of the reasons people get this dangerous companions and that’s half the fun.”) This essay does not address any opposing points of view or counterarguments.

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization, as it only consists of two paragraphs. There is little evidence of an introduction and conclusion, and the essay also lacks appropriate paragraphing and transitional devices. (“There’s tons of reasons as I may have mentioned in the paragraph before...”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. P oor language and word choice is demonstrated, with little awareness of audience. There is also evidence of basic errors in sentence structure and usage. (“There’s tons of reasons as I may have mentioned in the paragraph before as in wild people looking for a new hobby and trying to find out how hard it is to take care of a wild animal, someone doing an experiment to try to domesticate a wild animal and when i mean by domesticate i mean to tame or just to have the rush of having a wild animal.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is shown in this essay. There are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“There’s tons of reasons…someone doing an experiment to try to domesticate a wild animal and when i mean by domesticate i mean to tame or just to have the rush of having a wild animal.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear, council memebers

I think you should Banned dangerous animals because they well be able to get vilent with the onwer. So you should banned animals so they wont hurt more people. But keep them so you can see them but can’t hurt them, Or kill them either. and they wont kill you so keep them safe and they will stay and live, so they would not be extinct. If you won't them to kill more people then people killing people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are inadequate. Although the writer makes some effort at stating an opinion, his/her position does not demonstrate sufficient effort to persuade readers. (“I think you should Banned dangerous animals because they well be able to get vilent with the onwer.”) Also, the writer does not fully complete the task.

Content & Development

This essay exhibits inadequate development of content. The writer does not adequately support his/her position, and the writer also fails to address any counterarguments or opposing points of view. (“I think you should Banned dangerous animals because they well be able to get vilent with the onwer. So you should banned animals so they wont hurt more people. But keep them so you can see them but can’t hurt them, Or kill them either.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate, as it only consists of one paragraph without a formal introduction or conclusion. There is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. (“I think you should Banned dangerous animals because they well be able to get vilent with the onwer. So you should banned animals so they wont hurt more people. But keep them so you can see them but can't hurt them, Or kill them either. and they wont kill you so keep them safe and they will stay and live, so they would not be extinct. If you won't them to kill more people then people killing people.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. The essay exhibits incoherent sentences and poor word choice. (“Or kill them either. and they wont kill you so keep them safe and they will stay and live, so they would not be extinct.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“If you won’t them to kill more people then people killing people.”)

Banning Extreme Sports

We all enjoy participating in recreational sports from time to time, but while some sports are safe, others can be very risky. Think about a sport or activity you believe is too dangerous and should be banned. Why is this sport so risky?

Write a well-organized essay in which you argue your position on this issue. Be sure to provide specific details to persuade your readers that the sport you have chosen is so risky, it should be banned.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Most people believe that a lot of things happen for a reason. Every day, millions of people get hurt, and even though most are accidents, some are injuries that are bound to happen when you are in a risk situation. People who are involved in things like Nascar go out every day driving; drivers know that something might just happen that same day. Nascar can be risky in many ways, including wrecks, fires, and the fact that something might of been installed wrong while they stopped in the pit during a race. This sport is one of those sports that you know one day you will have to pay a price for. Whether it is just an injury or maybe death, Nascar is dangerous in a lot of different ways.

Even though we do not like to hear it on a daily basis, as much as most of us do, cars do crash. It is not always easy to keep full concentration on the road at all times and you may find at times that it is necessary to look away for even a split second. Nascar racers may find this urge, a lot more common than most drivers. Can you really blame them? Their main focus is most likely winning. When you get the feeling that someone is right behind you trying to take your title, you cannot help to look. Then, in a split second, your hands slide to either the right or the left without you knowing, and then you end up loosing control of the car. Your entire pit crew races over to the scene praying you are okay. While you are sitting there unable to move, you do not have a clue what happened, or even how badly you have been hurt. Even though you would not admit it, all you're thinking about is who won that race.

As bad as wreaks may seem, I would personally think that being in a car locked away in seatbelts while the car is bursting with flames, is probably the worst of all. Doesn't it seem almost impossible to get out of a car like that just in time to not get hurt or even killed? This accident is one of the most common ones of all. As sad as it seems, it is not even your fault that it happened in the first place. Is there really any way to prevent it? The answer to that would be to stop driving. It is understandable that you may love this sport and want to take that risk, but in ways it is selfish for you to be putting yourself out there every day when you have family and friends at home longing to see you walk through the door every night, hoping you survived another day. There are many different and less dangerous sports in the world, and if you stop racing it gives you more time to experience other sports you may also like. Not every sport in the world is completely dangerous, so go out there and find one that you like that you know you can also be safe while you are doing it.

Finally, while racing one thing you would need do is stop to renew and repair items. When this is needed, racers quickly pull over and tell what needs to be fixed as fast as they can. Even if they should really take their time for safety reasons, that is the last thing on their mind. Winning is everything to most racers, so they mostly do not care how well something is fixed during a race. This causes you to either take off before everything is perfect, or take off fast enough to possibly hit someone. When you take off your chances to get into a crash will be very likely. Safety comes first and racers need to start putting it into consideration. There are many ways this sport is not at all safe. Before getting involved with a sport, you need to see the dangers of activites and look at the ways you can prevent from getting hurt. Racing is not one of those sports you can be completely safe with.

People for all types of reasons love Nascar. Everyone knows the dangers of this sport, but they still continue to participate in it. Is it possible to go through with racing cars each and every day when you know that you are are putting your life on the line. I feel by eliminating this sport, less accidents will occur and more people would live. You may have reasons to go against every fact I have stated. You may say they are professionals and they have seatbelts, but that will not save your life or prevent you from getting hurt. If people would take safety more seriously, they would understand why you would stress the fact that this sport is dangerous and it should be band.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Most people believe that a lot of things happen for a reason. Every day, millions of people get hurt, and even though most are accidents, some are injuries that are bound to happen when you are in a risk situation. People who are involved in things like Nascar go out every day driving; drivers know that something might just happen that same day. Nascar can be risky in many ways, including wrecks, fires, and the fact that something might of been installed wrong while they stopped in the pit during a race. This sport is one of those sports that you know one day you will have to pay a price for. Whether it is just an injury or maybe death, Nascar is dangerous in a lot of different ways.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“There are many ways this sport is not at all safe. Before getting involved with a sport, you need to see the dangers of activites and look at the ways you can prevent from getting hurt. Racing is not one of those sports you can be completely safe with.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“It is understandable that you may love this sport and want to take that risk, but in ways it is selfish for you to be putting yourself out there every day when you have family and friends at home longing to see you walk through the door every night, hoping you survived another day. There are many different and less dangerous sports in the world, and if you stop racing it gives you more time to experience other sports you may also like. Not every sport in the world is completely dangerous, so go out there and find one that you like that you know you can also be safe while you are doing it.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of banning extreme sports. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“You may have reasons to go against every fact I have stated. You may say they are professionals and they have seatbelts, but that will not save your life or prevent you from getting hurt.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“As bad as wreaks may seem, I would personally think that being in a car locked away in seatbelts while the car is bursting with flames, is probably the worst of all. Doesn't it seem almost impossible to get out of a car like that just in time to not get hurt or even killed?”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Finally, while racing one thing you would need do is stop to renew and repair items. When this is needed, racers quickly pull over and tell what needs to be fixed as fast as they can. Even if they should really take their time for safety reasons, that is the last thing on their mind. Winning is everything to most racers, so they mostly do not care how well something is fixed during a race. This causes you to either take off before everything is perfect, or take off fast enough to possibly hit someone.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Most people believe that a lot of things happen for a reason. Every day, millions of people get hurt, and even though most are accidents, some are injuries that are bound to happen when you are in a risk situation. People who are involved in things like Nascar go out every day driving; drivers know that something might just happen that same day. Nascar can be risky in many ways, including wrecks, fires, and the fact that something might of been installed wrong while they stopped in the pit during a race. This sport is one of those sports that you know one day you will have to pay a price for. Whether it is just an injury or maybe death, Nascar is dangerous in a lot of different ways.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “finally,” “then,” and “while” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Finally, while racing one thing you would need do is stop to renew and repair items.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“People for all types of reasons love Nascar. Everyone knows the dangers of this sport, but they still continue to participate in it. Is it possible to go through with racing cars each and every day when you know that you are are putting your life on the line. I feel by eliminating this sport, less accidents will occur and more people would live. You may have reasons to go against every fact I have stated. You may say they are professionals and they have seatbelts, but that will not save your life or prevent you from getting hurt. If people would take safety more seriously, they would understand why you would stress the fact that this sport is dangerous and it should be band.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“There are many ways this sport is not at all safe. Before getting involved with a sport, you need to see the dangers of activites and look at the ways you can prevent from getting hurt. Racing is not one of those sports you can be completely safe with.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“When you get the feeling that someone is right behind you trying to take your title, you cannot help to look. Then, in a split second, your hands slide to either the right or the left without you knowing, and then you end up loosing control of the car. Your entire pit crew races over to the scene praying you are okay.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“This accident is one of the most common ones of all. As sad as it seems, it is not even your fault that it happened in the first place. Is there really any way to prevent it? The answer to that would be to stop driving.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Winning is everything to most racers, so they mostly do not care how well something is fixed during a race. This causes you to either take off before everything is perfect, or take off fast enough to possibly hit someone.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Imagine a young man lying down in a hospital bed. Then you see a lady crying over the young man who is lying in that bed. You think to yourself, “Why is this lady crying?” As you begin to look around you get your answer. You realize that the young man had just participated in a boxing match. While looking at him, a loud beeping sound suddenly goes off. You see that the young man's heart is failing. Just then, the paramedics rush into the room and try to help him, but to no avail. As the medics wheel the young man out of the room, the lady who had been crying turns out to be his wife. She learns that her husband had died of massive brain damage. This is an example of why I think boxing should be banned.

Boxing should be banned because this extreme sport can cause death, brain damage, and further health problems. Boxing causes brain damage due to the almost nonstop hitting of the face, fatigue, and broken bones. These broken bones can be any from rib bones, bones in the face, or even bones in the torso. This extreme sport should be banned because the boxer’s brain can be damaged and he could lose his thinking ability. Also, if the boxer gets hit in the head very hard, the boxer can have serious brain damage or even mental disorders.

People disagree with this extreme sport because of all the violence and the unfair rules. They do not like it because by letting two men fight in a ring to fight it out, seems unorthodox and dangerous. This sport makes some people disgruntled because an audience actually watches people beat each other senselessly. Boxing seems to be very popular with all ages, from young children to older citizens. It is a big event that is shown in televisions in homes, and restaurants. Sometimes you even have to pay for the event on your television!

On the other hand, people say that boxing is just a sport where young men can compete to become the best fighter. Some people agree with this, but others do not. The people who agree with fighting like the sport because of the strength and the desire to do well. Also, the people who agree like to see other people fight, believing there is no harm in what happens to the fighters or their opponents. They think that the boxers are perfectly fine after each match.

I think boxing should be banned because the boxer could have serious health risks like broken bones, fatigue, serious head damage, and death. Also, this extreme sport should be banned because it is wrong to watch other human beings beat each other, resulting in loss of a loved ones. Our society already has enough fighting and violence, we do not need to have it unnecessarily in sports.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of why he/she believes boxing should be banned to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, a scenario, or a surprising fact. (“Imagine a young man lying down in a hospital bed. Then you see a lady crying over the young man who is lying in that bed. You think to yourself, ‘Why is this lady crying?’ As you begin to look around you get your answer. You realize that the young man had just participated in a boxing match. While looking at him, a loud beeping sound suddenly goes off. You see that the young man's heart is failing. Just then, the paramedics rush into the room and try to help him, but to no avail. As the medics wheel the young man out of the room, the lady who had been crying turns out to be his wife. She learns that her husband had died of massive brain damage. This is an example of why I think boxing should be banned. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Boxing should be banned because this extreme sport can cause death, brain damage, and further health problems. Boxing causes brain damage due to the almost nonstop hitting of the face, fatigue, and broken bones. ”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“People disagree with this extreme sport because of all the violence and the unfair rules. They do not like it because by letting two men fight in a ring to fight it out, seems unorthodox and dangerous. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“On the other hand, people say that boxing is just a sport where young men can compete to become the best fighter. Some people agree with this, but others do not. The people who agree with fighting like the sport because of the strength and the desire to do well. Also, the people who agree like to see other people fight, believing there is no harm in what happens to the fighters or their opponents. They think that the boxers are perfectly fine after each match. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Imagine a young man lying down in a hospital bed. Then you see a lady crying over the young man who is lying in that bed. You think to yourself, ‘Why is this lady crying?’ As you begin to look around you get your answer. You realize that the young man had just participated in a boxing match. While looking at him, a loud beeping sound suddenly goes off. You see that the young man's heart is failing. Just then, the paramedics rush into the room and try to help him, but to no avail. As the medics wheel the young man out of the room, the lady who had been crying turns out to be his wife. She learns that her husband had died of massive brain damage. This is an example of why I think boxing should be banned. ”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“People disagree with this extreme sport because of all the violence and the unfair rules. They do not like it because by letting two men fight in a ring to fight it out, seems unorthodox and dangerous. This sport makes some people disgruntled because an audience actually watches people beat each other senselessly. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Imagine a young man lying down in a hospital bed. Then you see a lady crying over the young man who is lying in that bed. You think to yourself, ‘Why is this lady crying?’ As you begin to look around you get your answer. You realize that the young man had just participated in a boxing match. While looking at him, a loud beeping sound suddenly goes off. You see that the young man's heart is failing. Just then, the paramedics rush into the room and try to help him, but to no avail. As the medics wheel the young man out of the room, the lady who had been crying turns out to be his wife. She learns that her husband had died of massive brain damage. This is an example of why I think boxing should be banned. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“This extreme sport should be banned because the boxer’s brain can be damaged and he could lose his thinking ability. Also, if the boxer gets hit in the head very hard, the boxer can have serious brain damage or even mental disorders. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“I think boxing should be banned because the boxer could have serious health risks like broken bones, fatigue, serious head damage, and death. Also, this extreme sport should be banned because it is wrong to watch other human beings beat each other, resulting in loss of a loved ones. Our society already has enough fighting and violence, we do not need to have it unnecessarily in sports. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“This extreme sport should be banned because the boxer’s brain can be damaged and he could lose his thinking ability. Also, if the boxer gets hit in the head very hard, the boxer can have serious brain damage or even mental disorders. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Some people agree with this, but others do not. The people who agree with fighting like the sport because of the strength and the desire to do well. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Also, the people who agree like to see other people fight, believing there is no harm in what happens to the fighters or their opponents. They think that the boxers are perfectly fine after each match. ”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Imagine a young man lying down in a hospital bed. Then you see a lady crying over the young man who is lying in that bed. You think to yourself, ‘Why is this lady crying?’ ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

We all enjoy participating in recreational sports from time to time, but while some sports are safe, bungee jumping is very extreme. There is a cause of death, severe injuries, and trespassing against the law. That's why bungee jumping should be banned.

Bungee jumping should be banned because it can cause death. For one reason if the rope breaks when you fall you can hit the ground very hard. Some people think that bungee jumping cannot kill you, but it can. One death is one too many. What parent would risk their child dying? None because they know that bungee jumping is a very extreme activity to do.

If you bungee jumping on a low bridge or building you can get hurt badly. You can have a severe injury like cracking your neck or breaking any other bones in your body. Some parents and kids say that you can get hurt by doing any sports, so why not have fun with this one? Bungee jumping is an extreme sport that is more likely to cause severe injuries.

If you bungee jumping on a building or bridge where you are not supposed to be, you are trespassing against the law. It is very bad to trespass against the law. If you get caught there is possibility of you going to jail, getting a fine, or even getting a record; trespassing in not a smart idea.

There are a lot of things why bungee jumping is a very extreme activity. You can die if the rope breaks, it is against the law, and you can go to jail. You can even get severe injuries from it, like crack your neck or any other bones in your body. That's why bungee jumping should be banned.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion on banning extreme sports and attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“We all enjoy participating in recreational sports from time to time, but while some sports are safe, bungee jumping is very extreme. There is a cause of death, severe injuries, and trespassing against the law. That's why bungee jumping should be banned.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“If you bungee jumping on a low bridge or building you can get hurt badly. You can have a severe injury like cracking your neck or breaking any other bones in your body.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“If you get caught there is possibility of you going to jail, getting a fine, or even getting a record; trespassing in not a smart idea.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Bungee jumping should be banned because it can cause death. For one reason if the rope breaks when you fall you can hit the ground very hard.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Some people think that bungee jumping cannot kill you, but it can. One death is one too many. What parent would risk their child dying? None because they know that bungee jumping is a very extreme activity to do.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“We all enjoy participating in recreational sports from time to time, but while some sports are safe, bungee jumping is very extreme. There is a cause of death, severe injuries, and trespassing against the law. That's why bungee jumping should be banned.”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“If you bungee jumping on a building or bridge where you are not supposed to be, you are trespassing against the law. It is very bad to trespass against the law. If you get caught there is possibility of you going to jail, getting a fine, or even getting a record; trespassing in not a smart idea.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“There are a lot of things why bungee jumping is a very extreme activity. You can die if the rope breaks, it is against the law, and you can go to jail. You can even get severe injuries from it, like crack your neck or any other bones in your body. That's why bungee jumping should be banned.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“There are a lot of things why bungee jumping is a very extreme activity. You can die if the rope breaks, it is against the law, and you can go to jail. You can even get severe injuries from it, like crack your neck or any other bones in your body. That's why bungee jumping should be banned.”)

The writer uses consistent language and tone throughout the essay. (“If you bungee jumping on a low bridge or building you can get hurt badly. You can have a severe injury like cracking your neck or breaking any other bones in your body. Some parents and kids say that you can get hurt by doing any sports, so why not have fun with this one? Bungee jumping is an extreme sport that is more likely to cause severe injuries.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Bungee jumping should be banned because it can cause death. For one reason if the rope breaks when you fall you can hit the ground very hard. Some people think that bungee jumping cannot kill you, but it can. One death is one too many. What parent would risk their child dying? None because they know that bungee jumping is a very extreme activity to do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Some parents and kids say that you can get hurt by doing any sports, so why not have fun with this one? Bungee jumping is an extreme sport that is more likely to cause severe injuries. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think skateboarding should be band. There is to many kids getting injuries and even killed. Some kids will even get arrested if they get caught skateboarding in the street were cars are.

Allot of kids get serious injuries from skateboarding, there is injuries like broken legs, arms, ribs, and much more!, it is just to much of a risk. Skateboarding should be band unless parents want to pay medical bills.

Some kids even get killed by skateboards!, one example how a kid could get killed by a skateboard is......they could roll out in front of a car and get their heads smashed, or they could bust their head open and loose allot of blood and die, and parents would not want their kids getting killed.

One more thing is that skateboarding is illegal to skate on the street were were cars are. Kids who skateboard on the street are in risk of going to jail and paying big fines, and even get their skateboard took away.

In conclusion: I think skateboarding should be band because of all of those things, that's just to much trouble for one sport' and to much serious injuries.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of why he/she believes skateboarding should be banned, but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I think skateboarding should be band. There is to many kids getting injuries and even killed. Some kids will even get arrested if they get caught skateboarding in the street were cars are.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“One more thing is that skateboarding is illegal to skate on the street were were cars are. Kids who skateboard on the street are in risk of going to jail and paying big fines, and even get their skateboard took away. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited when using persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her stated point of view. (“Allot of kids get serious injuries from skateboarding, there is injuries like broken legs, arms, ribs, and much more!, it is just to much of a risk. Skateboarding should be band unless parents want to pay medical bills.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for why he/she believes skateboarding should be banned. The writer does attempt to address readers, but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. (“In conclusion: I think skateboarding should be band because of all of those things, that's just to much trouble for one sport' and to much serious injuries.”)

There is limited evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“I think skateboarding should be band. There is to many kids getting injuries and even killed. Some kids will even get arrested if they get caught skateboarding in the street were cars are.”)

The writer attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion by including examples. (“Some kids even get killed by skateboards!, one example how a kid could get killed by a skateboard is......they could roll out in front of a car and get their heads smashed, or they could bust their head open and loose allot of blood and die, and parents would not want their kids getting killed. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction but falls short. (“I think skateboarding should be band. There is to many kids getting injuries and even killed. Some kids will even get arrested if they get caught skateboarding in the street were cars are.”)

Transitions are limited between paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“One more thing is that skateboarding is illegal to skate on the street were were cars are. Kids who skateboard on the street are in risk of going to jail and paying big fines, and even get their skateboard took away. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion: I think skateboarding should be band because of all of those things, that's just to much trouble for one sport' and to much serious injuries.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Some kids even get killed by skateboards!, one example how a kid could get killed by a skateboard is......they could roll out in front of a car and get their heads smashed, or they could bust their head open and loose allot of blood and die, and parents would not want their kids getting killed. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“One more thing is that skateboarding is illegal to skate on the street were were cars are. Kids who skateboard on the street are in risk of going to jail and paying big fines, and even get their skateboard took away. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“In conclusion: I think skateboarding should be band because of all of those things, that's just to much trouble for one sport' and to much serious injuries.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think bull fighting should banned because people get hurt, kill animals for fun, and people get hurt.

People get hurt reel bad like gored in the stomach stomped and paralized. People say not that many people get hurt, but that aint true.

They kill the bulls for fun and the bulls suffer till death. People say there just bulls but that aint rite. How would you like it if you were stuck with swords in tour back and suffer to death?

People get killed by the bulls sticken them with there horns. People say not that many people die. But one death is to many. One person dies each year.

Thats why I think bull fighting should be banned.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of why he/she believes bull fighting should be banned. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer is minimal at stating a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“I think bull fighting should banned because people get hurt, kill animals for fun, and people get hurt.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“People say there just bulls but that aint rite.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“People get killed by the bulls sticken them with there horns. People say not that many people die. But one death is to many. One person dies each year.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of why he/she believes bull fighting should be banned. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“I think bull fighting should banned because people get hurt, kill animals for fun, and people get hurt.”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of why he/she believes bull fighting should be banned. (“People get hurt reel bad like gored in the stomach stomped and paralized. People say not that many people get hurt, but that aint true.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization as well. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think bull fighting should banned because people get hurt, kill animals for fun, and people get hurt.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“People get killed by the bulls sticken them with there horns. People say not that many people die. But one death is to many. One person dies each year.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“Thats why I think bull fighting should be banned.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“People get hurt reel bad like gored in the stomach stomped and paralized. People say not that many people get hurt, but that aint true. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of banning extreme sports. (“I think bull fighting should banned because people get hurt, kill animals for fun, and people get hurt.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“People get hurt reel bad like gored in the stomach stomped and paralized. People say not that many people get hurt, but that aint true.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned.

People all over the world is getting hurt because of Football most of the injuries are broken necks. The injuries are mostly from tacking,and

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion statement for the argument presented, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of why he/she believes football should be banned. (“Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned. People all over the world is getting hurt because of Football most of the injuries are broken necks. The injuries are mostly from tacking,and”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“Most of you wanted to and some didn't.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of why he/she believes football should be banned. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“People all over the world is getting hurt because of Football most of the injuries are broken necks. The injuries are mostly from tacking,and ”)

Since the essay is so brief, no main ideas are present in body paragraphs. (“Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned. People all over the world is getting hurt because of Football most of the injuries are broken necks. The injuries are mostly from tacking,and ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned. ”)

Organization

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“People all over the world is getting hurt because of Football most of the injuries are broken necks. The injuries are mostly from tacking,and”)

Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned. People all over the world is getting hurt because of Football most of the injuries are broken necks. The injuries are mostly from tacking,and”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned. People all over the world is getting hurt because of Football most of the injuries are broken necks. The injuries are mostly from tacking,and”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“People all over the world is getting hurt because of Football most of the injuries are broken necks. The injuries are mostly from tacking,and ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Have you ever wanted to play Football? Most of you wanted to and some didn't. With the injuries showed on T.V it seems to be a dangerous sport. A sprained ankle is one thing, but broken body part is another. Because of the risks, this sport should be banned.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Breaks for Outdoor Exercise

Studies have shown that people who take short breaks throughout the day to do light, outdoor exercise are more productive than those who do not. Use specific details and examples to convince your principal whether students should have similar breaks during the school day.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Parents dispatch their children to school every day, since their intentions are for them to achieve in their futures. School ranges from seven to eight hours a day, which is too small of a span to learn sufficient knowledge. Each minute is vital to a student's life and it should definitely not be spent on worthless breaks for exercise. Principals should deny allowing short breaks for light exercise due to the fact that it wastes time that should be spent on school work, it's extremely distracting, and it embarrasses unfit students. The future of students lies solely in the principal's hands.

Although exercise is very beneficial, it also humiliates unfit students. Light exercise can seem brief, but in fact, if you are one of those kids that eat junk food daily; it will become your worst nightmare. Imagine a student in solitude, crying, because his so-called classmates are ridiculing him. This embarrassment can lead to bullying from other students that see a fellow classmate struggle with the jog. This would take a huge toll on the victims, making the students feel insecure about coming to school. Every day they walk through those doors, they will feel pressure that someone will laugh at them throughout the day. A principal's main focus should be the safety of the pupils, physically and emotionally. Furthermore, because of the humiliation, most likely, the students' grades will deteriorate. Since they will concentrate more on the unrelenting peer pressure, they won't pay attention to the assignments. There are many negative consequences that directly come from one target: breaks for light exercise.

Since the breaks could be considered an opportunity for free time, they cause ripples of distraction. Once the students start the break, they will be chatting about irrelevant topics that have absolutely nothing to do with school. They will be so inundated with socializing with their friends that they won't complete the purpose of the light break for exercise. All of what they learned prior to the break is forever lost in their consciences. To add, throughout the day, students will look forward to this time and they won't be focusing on the lesson at hand. While the teacher gives her planned out lecture about polygons, student A is acknowledging her teacher and thoroughly participating. On the other hand, student B is counting down the minutes and seconds until the break. The student who was engaged in class will ultimately ace the test, while the other student will flunk it. This by all means shows the comparison that students will face if breaks by all means are allowed. The student who failed the test was giving priority to unnecessary things and was day-dreaming; he suffered the repercussions.

Every second of school is extremely crucial, and the breaks for light exercise are a total waste of time. There are a plethora of concepts that take time to grasp completely. Such as, all of the reading strategies put in play to pass the benchmark tests at the end of the year. These breaks literally burn the time off, while you could have used this time for beneficial learning. Without these breaks, students will most likely learn the lesson twice as fast. This would lead to the memory permanence of the information. The human brain is capable of retaining more than anyone expects it to, so students should take and accentuate that privilege. At the time students will become better prepared in an assessment test rather than students that have breaks. A principal's milestone would be that their school becomes a five-star, extraordinary school. These types of breaks for exercise will prevent the further achievement in the school's rating. If they are allowed, the results will be negative. The students' self-esteem will decrease and plummet into unbearable numbers territory. Due to this, a school's rating can possibly fall from five-star rated to a two- star rated school. Every moment that you are not sitting in your desk, doing work, and listening to your teacher is not recoupable.

Parents' overall goals are for their children to have outstanding grades and achieve under all purposes. For this to be enabled, breaks for light exercise shouldn't be permitted. This will allow more learning to occur to extend a student's knowledge. Breaks can lead to emotional taunt from other friends; it can also become the main factor of decreasing grades. A principal should deal with issues that are highly debatable and two-sided; this particular debate shouldn't be discussed in the office more than once. Move on.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer engages the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Parents dispatch their children to school every day, since their intentions are for them to achieve in their futures. School ranges from seven to eight hours a day, which is too small of a span to learn sufficient knowledge. Each minute is vital to a student's life and it should definitely not be spent on worthless breaks for exercise. Principals should deny allowing short breaks for light exercise due to the fact that it wastes time that should be spent on school work, it's extremely distracting, and it embarrasses unfit students. The future of students lies solely in the principal's hands.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Once the students start the break, they will be chatting about irrelevant topics that have absolutely nothing to do with school. They will be so inundated with socializing with their friends that they won't complete the purpose of the light break for exercise. All of what they learned prior to the break is forever lost in their consciences. To add, throughout the day, students will look forward to this time and they won't be focusing on the lesson at hand.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of arguing his/her stated point of view to the intended audience. (“Although exercise is very beneficial, it also humiliates unfit students. Light exercise can seem brief, but in fact, if you are one of those kids that eat junk food daily; it will become your worst nightmare. Imagine a student in solitude, crying, because his so-called classmates are ridiculing him. This embarrassment can lead to bullying from other students that see a fellow classmate struggle with the jog. This would take a huge toll on the victims, making the students feel insecure about coming to school. Every day they walk through those doors, they will feel pressure that someone will laugh at them throughout the day. A principal's main focus should be the safety of the pupils, physically and emotionally. Furthermore, because of the humiliation, most likely, the students' grades will deteriorate.”)

Content & Development

The essay reveals very effective content and development. The writer develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of permitting breaks for outdoor exercise, which he/she is wholeheartedly against. The essay addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, but only briefly.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by briefly acknowledging those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Although exercise is very beneficial, it also humiliates unfit students. Light exercise can seem brief, but in fact, if you are one of those kids that eat junk food daily; it will become your worst nightmare. Imagine a student in solitude, crying, because his so-called classmates are ridiculing him. This embarrassment can lead to bullying from other students that see a fellow classmate struggle with the jog. This would take a huge toll on the victims, making the students feel insecure about coming to school.”)

The writer effectively includes some anecdotes to illustrate his/her opinion. (“To add, throughout the day, students will look forward to this time and they won't be focusing on the lesson at hand. While the teacher gives her planned out lecture about polygons, student A is acknowledging her teacher and thoroughly participating. On the other hand, student B is counting down the minutes and seconds until the break. The student who was engaged in class will ultimately ace the test, while the other student will flunk it. This by all means shows the comparison that students will face if breaks by all means are allowed. The student who failed the test was giving priority to unnecessary things and was day-dreaming; he suffered the repercussions.”)

The writer addresses his/her remarks directly to the principal and uses school-related concerns to support the stance presented. (“Every second of school is extremely crucial, and the breaks for light exercise are a total waste of time. There are a plethora of concepts that take time to grasp completely. Such as, all of the reading strategies put in play to pass the benchmark tests at the end of the year. These breaks literally burn the time off, while you could have used this time for beneficial learning. Without these breaks, students will most likely learn the lesson twice as fast. This would lead to the memory permanence of the information. The human brain is capable of retaining more than anyone expects it to, so students should take and accentuate that privilege. At the time students will become better prepared in an assessment test rather than students that have breaks. A principal's milestone would be that their school becomes a five-star, extraordinary school. These types of breaks for exercise will prevent the further achievement in the school's rating. If they are allowed, the results will be negative.”)

Organization

The essay contains very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is engaging and captures the readers’ attention. (“Parents dispatch their children to school every day, since their intentions are for them to achieve in their futures. School ranges from seven to eight hours a day, which is too small of a span to learn sufficient knowledge. Each minute is vital to a student's life and it should definitely not be spent on worthless breaks for exercise. Principals should deny allowing short breaks for light exercise due to the fact that it wastes time that should be spent on school work, it's extremely distracting, and it embarrasses unfit students. The future of students lies solely in the principal's hands.”)

The writer uses transitions to move from one idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“A principal's main focus should be the safety of the pupils, physically and emotionally. Furthermore, because of the humiliation, most likely, the students' grades will deteriorate. Since they will concentrate more on the unrelenting peer pressure, they won't pay attention to the assignments. There are many negative consequences that directly come from one target: breaks for light exercise.”)

The conclusion has a strong, dismissive tone to it, but it does give the readers a sense of closure. (“Parents' overall goals are for their children to have outstanding grades and achieve under all purposes. For this to be enabled, breaks for light exercise shouldn't be permitted. This will allow more learning to occur to extend a student's knowledge. Breaks can lead to emotional taunt from other friends; it can also become the main factor of decreasing grades. A principal should deal with issues that are highly debatable and two-sided; this particular debate shouldn't be discussed in the office more than once. Move on.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses effective language to argue his/her position on the issue of breaks for outside exercise during school hours. (“Every second of school is extremely crucial, and the breaks for light exercise are a total waste of time. There are a plethora of concepts that take time to grasp completely. Such as, all of the reading strategies put in play to pass the benchmark tests at the end of the year. These breaks literally burn the time off, while you could have used this time for beneficial learning. Without these breaks, students will most likely learn the lesson twice as fast. This would lead to the memory permanence of the information. The human brain is capable of retaining more than anyone expects it to, so students should take and accentuate that privilege.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Since the breaks could be considered an opportunity for free time, they cause ripples of distraction. Once the students start the break, they will be chatting about irrelevant topics that have absolutely nothing to do with school. They will be so inundated with socializing with their friends that they won't complete the purpose of the light break for exercise. All of what they learned prior to the break is forever lost in their consciences.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“At the time students will become better prepared in an assessment test rather than students that have breaks. A principal's milestone would be that their school becomes a five-star, extraordinary school. These types of breaks for exercise will prevent the further achievement in the school's rating. If they are allowed, the results will be negative. The students' self-esteem will decrease and plummet into unbearable numbers territory. Due to this, a school's rating can possibly fall from five-star rated to a two- star rated school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“Although exercise is very beneficial, it also humiliates unfit students. Light exercise can seem brief, but in fact, if you are one of those kids that eat junk food daily; it will become your worst nightmare. Imagine a student in solitude, crying, because his so-called classmates are ridiculing him. This embarrassment can lead to bullying from other students that see a fellow classmate struggle with the jog. This would take a huge toll on the victims, making the students feel insecure about coming to school.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Studies show that taking short breaks throughout the day for physical exercise has proven to help students be more productive during class time. Even college students take short breaks throughout the day. It should be recommended to take short breaks throughout the day for exercise due to the fact that it relieves the mind of stress, gives a short break to go to the bathroom or eat afterwards and over time, and these sessions can improve weight loss for overweight students who actually participate in the exercise sessions.

Physical exercise breaks improves accomplishment levels. These exercise sessions also allow time for students to complete miscellaneous tasks such as using the facilities after a session. Letting people use the bathroom during the break prevents interruption of asking to use the bathroom during class which leads to a more productive class. The breaks also allow time to buy something small to eat since after exercising, you usually feel hungry. Feeling hungry leads to a less productive class for the student, so buying food during the break can also lead to a more productive class.

On the other hand, taking short breaks during the school day can also have its disadvantages. Some students might take advantage of the break by going to the bathroom or eating for the entire session, instead of exercising. Some students might go as far as ditching class after the break, since getting past security during the break shouldn't be so problematic. Most importantly, the break results in 10-20 minutes of less class time; but these breaks help students be more productive, so it really doesn't affect our style of working.

Exercise breaks also relieve the mind from stress, which can really set your brain's functioning back from being productive. Exercise is known to be the best stress killer and a mind with no stress is a more productive one. If students were to do these exercise sessions for continuous months, they could actually lose weight, leading to the average school-wide obesity rate to drop. If all schools were to add the frequent exercise breaks to their schedules, the obesity rate for this country would decrease, helping to solve part of the large-scale obesity problem in this country.

It is imperative that we consider adding short exercise breaks to our daily school routine because it helps students be more productive in their work, gives a short break to use the bathroom so you don't have to ask during class time, helps relieve students' stress and, over time, can help teens lose more weight. Even college students, who are learning vital information for their future careers, are still given breaks to relax their minds from the stress class work can bring. If college attendees take short breaks, then why shouldn't middle/high schoolers? It's only fair, as they are preparing to attend the life-changer that is college. Giving short breaks can contribute to how one handles the stress that college work brings to the human mind.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Studies show that taking short breaks throughout the day for physical exercise has proven to help students be more productive during class time. Even college students take short breaks throughout the day. It should be recommended to take short breaks throughout the day for exercise due to the fact that it relieves the mind of stress, gives a short break to go to the bathroom or eat afterwards and over time, and these sessions can improve weight loss for overweight students who actually participate in the exercise sessions.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Physical exercise breaks improves accomplishment levels. These exercise sessions also allow time for students to complete miscellaneous tasks such as using the facilities after a session. Letting people use the bathroom during the break prevents interruption of asking to use the bathroom during class which leads to a more productive class. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“It is imperative that we consider adding short exercise breaks to our daily school routine because it helps students be more productive in their work, gives a short break to use the bathroom so you don't have to ask during class time, helps relieve students' stress and, over time, can help teens lose more weight. Even college students, who are learning vital information for their future careers, are still given breaks to relax their minds from the stress class work can bring. ”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“On the other hand, taking short breaks during the school day can also have its disadvantages. Some students might take advantage of the break by going to the bathroom or eating for the entire session, instead of exercising. Some students might go as far as ditching class after the break, since getting past security during the break shouldn't be so problematic. Most importantly, the break results in 10-20 minutes of less class time; but these breaks help students be more productive, so it really doesn't affect our style of working.”)

Details in the essay are comprehensive and well-balanced. (“Exercise breaks also relieve the mind from stress, which can really set your brain's functioning back from being productive. Exercise is known to be the best stress killer and a mind with no stress is a more productive one. If students were to do these exercise sessions for continuous months, they could actually lose weight, leading to the average school-wide obesity rate to drop. If all schools were to add the frequent exercise breaks to their schedules, the obesity rate for this country would decrease, helping to solve part of the large-scale obesity problem in this country.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Physical exercise breaks improves accomplishment levels. These exercise sessions also allow time for students to complete miscellaneous tasks such as using the facilities after a session. Letting people use the bathroom during the break prevents interruption of asking to use the bathroom during class which leads to a more productive class. The breaks also allow time to buy something small to eat since after exercising, you usually feel hungry. Feeling hungry leads to a less productive class for the student, so buying food during the break can also lead to a more productive class.”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Studies show that taking short breaks throughout the day for physical exercise has proven to help students be more productive during class time. Even college students take short breaks throughout the day. It should be recommended to take short breaks throughout the day for exercise due to the fact that it relieves the mind of stress, gives a short break to go to the bathroom or eat afterwards and over time, and these sessions can improve weight loss for overweight students who actually participate in the exercise sessions.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“On the other hand, taking short breaks during the school day can also have its disadvantages. Some students might take advantage of the break by going to the bathroom or eating for the entire session, instead of exercising. Some students might go as far as ditching class after the break, since getting past security during the break shouldn't be so problematic. Most importantly, the break results in 10-20 minutes of less class time; but these breaks help students be more productive, so it really doesn't affect our style of working.”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer's argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“It is imperative that we consider adding short exercise breaks to our daily school routine because it helps students be more productive in their work, gives a short break to use the bathroom so you don't have to ask during class time, helps relieve students' stress and, over time, can help teens lose more weight. Even college students, who are learning vital information for their future careers, are still given breaks to relax their minds from the stress class work can bring. If college attendees take short breaks, then why shouldn't middle/high schoolers? It's only fair, as they are preparing to attend the life-changer that is college. Giving short breaks can contribute to how one handles the stress that college work brings to the human mind.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses good language to argue his/her position on the issue. (“Exercise breaks also relieve the mind from stress, which can really set your brain's functioning back from being productive. Exercise is known to be the best stress killer and a mind with no stress is a more productive one. If students were to do these exercise sessions for continuous months, they could actually lose weight, leading to the average school-wide obesity rate to drop. If all schools were to add the frequent exercise breaks to their schedules, the obesity rate for this country would decrease, helping to solve part of the large-scale obesity problem in this country.”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions or by adding more details. (“It is imperative that we consider adding short exercise breaks to our daily school routine because it helps students be more productive in their work, gives a short break to use the bathroom so you don't have to ask during class time, helps relieve students' stress and, over time, can help teens lose more weight. Even college students, who are learning vital information for their future careers, are still given breaks to relax their minds from the stress class work can bring. If college attendees take short breaks, then why shouldn't middle/high schoolers? ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Physical exercise breaks improves accomplishment levels. These exercise sessions also allow time for students to complete miscellaneous tasks such as using the facilities after a session. Letting people use the bathroom during the break prevents interruption of asking to use the bathroom during class which leads to a more productive class. The breaks also allow time to buy something small to eat since after exercising, you usually feel hungry. Feeling hungry leads to a less productive class for the student, so buying food during the break can also lead to a more productive class.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“Physical exercise breaks improves accomplishment levels. These exercise sessions also allow time for students to complete miscellaneous tasks such as using the facilities after a session. Letting people use the bathroom during the break prevents interruption of asking to use the bathroom during class which leads to a more productive class. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Principal,

Children go to school five days a week for eight hours a day. Do you know how much pressure is on a child? We have no breaks, just eight hours of non-stop work; the only break we get is to go to the bathroom. If students could take short breaks throughout the day, students could release stress. When students come back from exercising they might have more ideas, and more ideas of how to do things could improve grades. Even just a small amount of exercise can get children fit and healthy, so wouldn't you want these things for your students?

In a magazine I read it said that stress causes people to age. Students don't want gray hair when they are only fifteen. When my physical education teacher told me that he had gray hair at 16 I was shocked. That is how much pressure he was under. I have so much stress going on in my life that it would be nice to have small breaks throughout the day so I can relax. You might not of had this privilege, but you can give your students the privilege to release stress throughout the day. If you think that this reason was not good enough, then just you wait because I am not done yet.

I rarely have any ideas about what I should be writing during my Language Art period, so it would be nice if I could get some ideas on my outside break, or I could find something math wise in the great outdoors that can help me in the future. So the students could still be outside learning, and still having fun. The great outdoors is a perfect way to help the student find different thing's science wise that they might be learning about. All of these ideas can lead up to better grades. Everyone wins at this point. Outdoor brakes are great!

I know what you may be thinking, "Our physical education classes are just enough for the students," but it is not. As children, we have so much energy that we want to burn that our gym period is not enough. America has so many overweight people that it is an embarrassment. If we have extra physical education the list will slowly go down, it will decrease slowly, but there will be less overweight people. Last time I was sick, I stayed in school all day. One day when I did decide to go outside, I felt so much better. All of that fresh air can keep a person healthy. All of that vitamin D can make a child very healthy, and a healthy child means a happy child.

You can never be out doors for to long. When you are outside, great things can happen. Your students will feel great knowing that they can have extra time in the great outdoors. The ideas popping into your head, the vitamin D making you feel unstoppable, and the stress being released all comes from being outside. There is no better feeling than that. Only you can make the change, and remember, your students are counting on you.

Sincerely,

One of your sixth grade students

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about allowing breaks for outdoor exercise during the school day and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“If students could take short breaks throughout the day, students could release stress. When students come back from exercising they might have more ideas, and more ideas of how to do things could improve grades. Even just a small amount of exercise can get children fit and healthy, so wouldn't you want these things for your students?”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I rarely have any ideas about what I should be writing during my Language Art period, so it would be nice if I could get some ideas on my outside break, or I could find something math wise in the great outdoors that can help me in the future. So the students could still be outside learning, and still having fun. The great outdoors is a perfect way to help the student find different thing's science wise that they might be learning about. All of these ideas can lead up to better grades. Everyone wins at this point. Outdoor brakes are great!”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“As children, we have so much energy that we want to burn that our gym period is not enough. America has so many overweight people that it is an embarrassment. If we have extra physical education the list will slowly go down, it will decrease slowly, but there will be less overweight people. Last time I was sick, I stayed in school all day. One day when I did decide to go outside, I felt so much better. All of that fresh air can keep a person healthy. All of that vitamin D can make a child very healthy, and a healthy child means a happy child.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for permitting breaks for outdoor exercise. (“I rarely have any ideas about what I should be writing during my Language Art period, so it would be nice if I could get some ideas on my outside break, or I could find something math wise in the great outdoors that can help me in the future. So the students could still be outside learning, and still having fun. The great outdoors is a perfect way to help the student find different thing's science wise that they might be learning about. All of these ideas can lead up to better grades. Everyone wins at this point. Outdoor brakes are great!”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“All of that fresh air can keep a person healthy. All of that vitamin D can make a child very healthy, and a healthy child means a happy child. You can never be out doors for to long. When you are outside, great things can happen. Your students will feel great knowing that they can have extra time in the great outdoors. The ideas popping into your head, the vitamin D making you feel unstoppable, and the stress being released all comes from being outside. There is no better feeling than that.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization of ideas in the essay. The essay reveals a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, and overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Dear Principal, Children go to school five days a week for eight hours a day. Do you know how much pressure is on a child? We have no breaks, just eight hours of non-stop work; the only break we get is to go to the bathroom. If students could take short breaks throughout the day, students could release stress. When students come back from exercising they might have more ideas, and more ideas of how to do things could improve grades. Even just a small amount of exercise can get children fit and healthy, so wouldn't you want these things for your students?”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to move from one idea to the next. (“As children, we have so much energy that we want to burn that our gym period is not enough. America has so many overweight people that it is an embarrassment. If we have extra physical education the list will slowly go down, it will decrease slowly, but there will be less overweight people. Last time I was sick, I stayed in school all day. One day when I did decide to go outside, I felt so much better. All of that fresh air can keep a person healthy.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer's argument. (“You can never be out doors for to long. When you are outside, great things can happen. Your students will feel great knowing that they can have extra time in the great outdoors. The ideas popping into your head, the vitamin D making you feel unstoppable, and the stress being released all comes from being outside. There is no better feeling than that. Only you can make the change, and remember, your students are counting on you. Sincerely, One of your sixth grade students”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“I know what you may be thinking, ‘Our physical education classes are just enough for the students,’ but it is not. As children, we have so much energy that we want to burn that our gym period is not enough. America has so many overweight people that it is an embarrassment. If we have extra physical education the list will slowly go down, it will decrease slowly, but there will be less overweight people.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“In a magazine I read it said that stress causes people to age. Students don't want gray hair when they are only fifteen. When my physical education teacher told me that he had gray hair at 16 I was shocked. That is how much pressure he was under. I have so much stress going on in my life that it would be nice to have small breaks throughout the day so I can relax. You might not of had this privilege, but you can give your students the privilege to release stress throughout the day. If you think that this reason was not good enough, then just you wait because I am not done yet.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice and uses appropriate language and word choice for the task presented. (“I rarely have any ideas about what I should be writing during my Language Art period, so it would be nice if I could get some ideas on my outside break, or I could find something math wise in the great outdoors that can help me in the future. So the students could still be outside learning, and still having fun. The great outdoors is a perfect way to help the student find different thing's science wise that they might be learning about. All of these ideas can lead up to better grades. Everyone wins at this point. Outdoor brakes are great!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“Children go to school five days a week for eight hours a day. Do you know how much pressure is on a child? We have no breaks, just eight hours of non-stop work; the only break we get is to go to the bathroom. If students could take short breaks throughout the day, students could release stress. When students come back from exercising they might have more ideas, and more ideas of how to do things could improve grades. Even just a small amount of exercise can get children fit and healthy, so wouldn't you want these things for your students?”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Breaks For Outdoor Excersize

My essay is about breaks for outdoor excersize. I think that outdoor excersize is a good idea, Beacuase with outdoor excersize kids, and teenagers will be more proactive in their everyday lives.They will actually want to be outside. It seems like a good reason to debate about with principal and teachers. There are many reasons good and bad about this situation. Like for example if kids were outside more they would be active and more social and comftorable around other kids and teenagers. But if they were outside for breaks then they might go off to seven eleven and load up on other things.

The good news is that the kids and teens will be more sociable. The kids will be more sociable because they are outside and they will be meeting new people and catching up wiith old friends. Instead of lounging around the trees beacause they think that they don't know anyody there. They will gain more friends than they used to have before.

The Healty lifestyle is what teenagers and kids need to have in order to move everyday. Because they go up and down then stairs everyday so we need a good routine of taking breaks so that we do better on getting to class everyday and on time. With a good workout we can accomplish anything we succeed to do. Because we can do anything we set our minds to.

When we are outside we can stay away from the vending machines that suck us into buying everything from them, when we should be outside playing and everything else. Some people think that just because they grew up means that they can't play outside anymore because they grew up and got to old for things.

This concludes this essay on whethier or not to have breaks or not. It will become better for the kids and teenagers because they will go outside and get active, They won't get sucked into the vending machine craze, And finaly they will become better socialists by meeting new people. This concludes this essay so my final essay states that it is a good idea to have breaks in between classes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis on the argument for permitting breaks for outdoor exercise during the school day, but he/she may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ My essay is about breaks for outdoor excersize. I think that outdoor excersize is a good idea, Beacuase with outdoor excersize kids, and teenagers will be more proactive in their everyday lives.They will actually want to be outside. It seems like a good reason to debate about with principal and teachers. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“The good news is that the kids and teens will be more sociable. The kids will be more sociable because they are outside and they will be meeting new people and catching up wiith old friends. Instead of lounging around the trees beacause they think that they don't know anyody there. They will gain more friends than they used to have before.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of his/her point of view. (“When we are outside we can stay away from the vending machines that suck us into buying everything from them, when we should be outside playing and everything else. Some people think that just because they grew up means that they can't play outside anymore because they grew up and got to old for things.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against breaks for outdoor exercise during school. The writer does attempt to address the readers' opposing points of view but does not integrate sufficient counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“When we are outside we can stay away from the vending machines that suck us into buying everything from them, when we should be outside playing and everything else. Some people think that just because they grew up means that they can't play outside anymore because they grew up and got to old for things.”)

The writer includes anecdotes that are underdeveloped and do not sufficiently support his/her stance on the issue presented in the prompt task. (“The Healty lifestyle is what teenagers and kids need to have in order to move everyday. Because they go up and down then stairs everyday so we need a good routine of taking breaks so that we do better on getting to class everyday and on time. With a good workout we can accomplish anything we succeed to do. Because we can do anything we set our minds to. When we are outside we can stay away from the vending machines that suck us into buying everything from them, when we should be outside playing and everything else.”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for permitting breaks for outdoor exercise, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“The good news is that the kids and teens will be more sociable. The kids will be more sociable because they are outside and they will be meeting new people and catching up wiith old friends. Instead of lounging around the trees beacause they think that they don't know anyody there. They will gain more friends than they used to have before.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates the use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The introduction is unfocused and repetitive; it does little to engage the readers from the very beginning. (“My essay is about breaks for outdoor excersize. I think that outdoor excersize is a good idea, Beacuase with outdoor excersize kids, and teenagers will be more proactive in their everyday lives.They will actually want to be outside. It seems like a good reason to debate about with principal and teachers. There are many reasons good and bad about this situation. Like for example if kids were outside more they would be active and more social and comftorable around other kids and teenagers. But if they were outside for breaks then they might go off to seven eleven and load up on other things.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“The good news is that the kids and teens will be more sociable. The kids will be more sociable because they are outside and they will be meeting new people and catching up wiith old friends. Instead of lounging around the trees beacause they think that they don't know anyody there. They will gain more friends than they used to have before.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“This concludes this essay on whethier or not to have breaks or not. It will become better for the kids and teenagers because they will go outside and get active, They won't get sucked into the vending machine craze, And finaly they will become better socialists by meeting new people. This concludes this essay so my final essay states that it is a good idea to have breaks in between classes.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“The Healty lifestyle is what teenagers and kids need to have in order to move everyday. Because they go up and down then stairs everyday so we need a good routine of taking breaks so that we do better on getting to class everyday and on time. With a good workout we can accomplish anything we succeed to do. Because we can do anything we set our minds to.”)

The writer does not demonstrate strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“When we are outside we can stay away from the vending machines that suck us into buying everything from them, when we should be outside playing and everything else. Some people think that just because they grew up means that they can't play outside anymore because they grew up and got to old for things.”)

Weak sentence structures, syntax problems, and simple, repetitive word choices hinder the effective communication of the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“The Healty lifestyle is what teenagers and kids need to have in order to move everyday. Because they go up and down then stairs everyday so we need a good routine of taking breaks so that we do better on getting to class everyday and on time. With a good workout we can accomplish anything we succeed to do. Because we can do anything we set our minds to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“ The kids will be more sociable because they are outside and they will be meeting new people and catching up wiith old friends. Instead of lounging around the trees beacause they think that they don't know anyody there. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I really think that we all should get a break because like the studies show how people are more productive when they get a break and they do a outdoor exercise. like in elementary school that is probably why kids participate in class room games and they learn better because they were focused on playing and now they know that they have to pay attention to the teachers. here is a reason why. First we need our exercise just like the study shows.

Like the study shows that we are more productive when we get a break and do a outdoor activity. We need our exercise during school because it will be boring and we will eat and gain weight because we are not killing the weight. we need to get our exercise because the teachers do not want to sit there all day teaching us. they want a break and so do we. we do not want to sit all day and do nothing but learn and do nothing that would be a really boring school. people say that a hobby they like to do is sports. so we need it.

thank you for reading this but for all the teachers and students we will need our exercise to do so now is bored.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reflects minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis for arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not contain a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis statement about the issue. (“ I really think that we all should get a break because like the studies show how people are more productive when they get a break and they do a outdoor exercise. like in elementary school that is probably why kids participate in class room games and they learn better because they were focused on playing and now they know that they have to pay attention to the teachers. ”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the readers. (“ We need our exercise during school because it will be boring and we will eat and gain weight because we are not killing the weight. we need to get our exercise because the teachers do not want to sit there all day teaching us. they want a break and so do we. we do not want to sit all day and do nothing but learn and do nothing that would be a really boring school. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“like in elementary school that is probably why kids participate in class room games and they learn better because they were focused on playing and now they know that they have to pay attention to the teachers. here is a reason why. First we need our exercise just like the study shows.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position on permitting breaks for outside exercise during the school day. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ we need to get our exercise because the teachers do not want to sit there all day teaching us. they want a break and so do we. we do not want to sit all day and do nothing but learn and do nothing that would be a really boring school. ”)

The writer mentions a few reasons for outdoor exercise but does not develop the ideas with sufficient support. (“ We need our exercise during school because it will be boring and we will eat and gain weight because we are not killing the weight. we need to get our exercise because the teachers do not want to sit there all day teaching us. ”)

The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Acknowledging possible objections would create a well-balanced response to the issue presented in the prompt task. (“…the teachers do not want to sit there all day teaching us. they want a break and so do we. we do not want to sit all day and do nothing but learn and do nothing that would be a really boring school. people say that a hobby they like to do is sports. so we need it.”)

Organization

The essay reveals minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer does not provide an effective introduction that would engage the readers from the very beginning. (“ I really think that we all should get a break because like the studies show how people are more productive when they get a break and they do a outdoor exercise. like in elementary school that is probably why kids participate in class room games and they learn better because they were focused on playing and now they know that they have to pay attention to the teachers. ”)

The essay does not contain supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“First we need our exercise just like the study shows. Like the study shows that we are more productive when we get a break and do a outdoor activity. We need our exercise during school because it will be boring and we will eat and gain weight because we are not killing the weight. we need to get our exercise because the teachers do not want to sit there all day teaching us. they want a break and so do we.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave the readers with something to think about nor tell them what to do next. (“thank you for reading this but for all the teachers and students we will need our exercise to do so now is bored.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“Like the study shows that we are more productive when we get a break and do a outdoor activity. We need our exercise during school because it will be boring and we will eat and gain weight because we are not killing the weight. we need to get our exercise because the teachers do not want to sit there all day teaching us. ”)

The writer employs poorly constructed sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“First we need our exercise just like the study shows. Like the study shows that we are more productive when we get a break and do a outdoor activity. We need our exercise during school because it will be boring and we will eat and gain weight because we are not killing the weight.”)

Word choices are simple and repetitive in many portions of the essay. (“I really think that we all should get a break because like the studies show how people are more productive when they get a break and they do a outdoor exercise. like in elementary school that is probably why kids participate in class room games and they learn better because they were focused on playing and now they know that they have to pay attention to the teachers. here is a reason why. First we need our exercise just like the study shows.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“people say that a hobby they like to do is sports. so we need it. thank you for reading this but for all the teachers and students we will need our exercise to do so now is bored.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Wy we need breaks throughout the day because. Because it will wake up the kids and they maybe do better and Finnish their home work faster. Another resin is they maybe lesson more better and get more stuff done faster and they for have to do it for home work when class is over. Or they can get exercise to wake up them. It mite give the time to think and the can get a drink and use the rest room.

And that's wy you should give use breaks throughout the day. And kids mite come to school more then they did before.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer provides an unfocused opinion/position/thesis statement, and little effort is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. (“ Wy we need breaks throughout the day because. Because it will wake up the kids and they maybe do better and Finnish their home work faster. Another resin is they maybe lesson more better and get more stuff done faster and they for have to do it for home work when class is over. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ Another resin is they maybe lesson more better and get more stuff done faster and they for have to do it for home work when class is over. Or they can get exercise to wake up them. ”)

The writer does not focus on developing his/her ideas effectively for the intended audience. (“Or they can get exercise to wake up them. It mite give the time to think and the can get a drink and use the rest room. And that's wy you should give use breaks throughout the day. And kids mite come to school more then they did before.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of permitting breaks for outdoor exercise during the school day. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The writer does not include developed details to support the stated position on the issue. (“Another resin is they maybe lesson more better and get more stuff done faster and they for have to do it for home work when class is over. Or they can get exercise to wake up them. ”)

Effectively developed supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion/position/thesis statement of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“Wy we need breaks throughout the day because. Because it will wake up the kids and they maybe do better and Finnish their home work faster. Another resin is they maybe lesson more better and get more stuff done faster and they for have to do it for home work when class is over. Or they can get exercise to wake up them. It mite give the time to think and the can get a drink and use the rest room. And that's wy you should give use breaks throughout the day. And kids mite come to school more then they did before.”)

The essay does not contain facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“Or they can get exercise to wake up them. It mite give the time to think and the can get a drink and use the rest room.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Wy we need breaks throughout the day because. Because it will wake up the kids and they maybe do better and Finnish their home work faster. ”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“Another resin is they maybe lesson more better and get more stuff done faster and they for have to do it for home work when class is over. Or they can get exercise to wake up them. It mite give the time to think and the can get a drink and use the rest room.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“And that's wy you should give use breaks throughout the day. And kids mite come to school more then they did before.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“Wy we need breaks throughout the day because. Because it will wake up the kids and they maybe do better and Finnish their home work faster. ”)

Syntax issues hinder the readers’ ability to understand the writer’s ideas. (“Wy we need breaks throughout the day because. Because it will wake up the kids and they maybe do better and Finnish their home work faster. Another resin is they maybe lesson more better and get more stuff done faster and they for have to do it for home work when class is over. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“It mite give the time to think and the can get a drink and use the rest room. And that's wy you should give use breaks throughout the day. And kids mite come to school more then they did before.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay reveals inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It contains errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“It mite give the time to think and the can get a drink and use the rest room. And that's wy you should give use breaks throughout the day. And kids mite come to school more then they did before.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Celebrity Role Models

Since celebrities are constantly in the public eye, there is a debate over what their responsibilities as role models should be. Many celebrities have stated that they do not believe they should be viewed as role models, while others have argued that it is their responsibility to use their celebrity status to raise awareness for many social issues.

In a well-developed essay, explain your position on the responsibility of celebrities to act as role models. Use examples to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Since celebrities are constantly in the public eye, there is a debate over what their responsibilities as role models should be. Many celebrities have said that being a role model to people is not their responsibility. On the other hand, many famous people have declared that they should act as role models to influence people all over the world. Celebrities have the responsibility on acting like role models because many young children watch T.V. and think it’s right what they are doing. No one in the world is perfect, but if they make a mistake, they should be able to fix it somehow. Celebrities should also think of the fact that if they do something crazy then both their privacy and reputation would be ruined. In my opinion, celebrities should have the responsibility on acting like role models because they are sometimes even heroes to young children who like to be entertained. In my opinion, celebrities should have the responsibility on acting like role models because they are sometimes even heroes to young children who like to be entertained.

When celebrities become famous for the first time, they probably don't think of the advantages and disadvantages of being famous, they are just enjoying fame for the first time. Celebrities, as anyone can tell, are constantly appearing on T.V. What they probably don't know is that young children are watching every single move they are making and think everything is perfectly all right. They are role models, aren’t they? So kids expect them to be good people who make good decisions. A good way on how celebrities can be good models is that if they screw up on something, make a rude comment, or do something immoral, is that they apologize to the public. No one is perfect, but that is a good way to accept we are all human beings who make mistakes sometime in our lives. If celebrities do something crazy or inappropriate, the their reputation and privacy might be ruined. The consequence in an action like that would be that T.V. shows would talk trash about them and being followed around by paparazzi. When celebrities decide to become famous, they should have thought of the responsibility of trying to act their best as possible to be the best role model they could be.

On the other hand, other people might think that celebrities should not be looked at as role models. They might say that famous people don't even care about being a role model for any person, they just want to enjoy their fame and party all the time. Another argument they might have is that nobody is perfect, especially not celebrities, and if they do a single thing wrong, the young children these days might think that some immoral things are okay to do, but to then find out later that they were wrong. For example, people might say that looking up to Paris Hilton would be a very bad idea because she went to jail. The last argument would be that of course, no one is perfect, that all people make mistakes and that looking up to a celebrity would be foolish. Those would probably be the most important reasons of why celebrities should not be role models.

Even though the opposing side’s arguments are very persuasive and make sense, I believe celebrities should think more about how to be a good role model. Even though some people might say that all celebrities care about is the fame and the money, I think otherwise. I think some celebrities not care that much on how much money they are making, they actually want to help people in any way. Ricky Martin, for example, is always using his money for good causes, like building schools for the less fortunate. Every person has a positive side of them, and many celebrities can use them for good causes. If celebrities want to become famous, they should also think of the fact that there are people looking up to them and following their steps.

Celebrities have the responsibility of being role models nowadays. They are probably being looked up to, anyway, by little children and teenagers too, who want to find out who they are, and by having a role model, their quest might become easier. Since no one in the world is perfect, it is okay that people make mistakes, but as long as they show that they are going to pick themselves up and try again, is a sign of not giving up. Celebrities should also think of the fact that if they do something wrong, not only do they disappoint their fans, but they probably disappoint themselves too. Anyway, celebrities may damage their reputation and privacy by constantly being followed by reporters who can act pretty obnoxious. In my opinion, celebrities should really think about becoming role models to people out there who admire them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer maintains a very effective focus and meaning regarding the topic of whether or not celebrities should be viewed as role models . The author establishes and maintains an insightful position. He/she feels that celebrities should take on the responsibility of acting as role models for the kids that look up to them. ( “ In my opinion, celebrities should have the responsibility on acting like role models because they are sometimes even heroes to young children who like to be entertained. ”) Furthermore, the essay demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, while completing all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The content throughout this essay is very effective and well developed. The writer effectively develops strong and insightful arguments by u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details and examples to support his/her position. (“ Ricky Martin, for example, is always using his money for good causes, like building schools for the less fortunate. Every person has a positive side of them, and many celebrities can use them for good causes. If celebrities want to become famous, they should also think of the fact that there are people looking up to them and following their steps .”) The writer also convincingly addresses readers’ counterarguments. (“ On the other hand, other people might think that celebrities should not be looked at as role models. They might say that famous people don't even care about being a role model for any person, they just want to enjoy their fame and party all the time. Another argument they might have is that nobody is perfect, especially not celebrities, and if they do a single thing wrong, the young children these days might think that some immoral things are okay to do, but to then find out later that they were wrong. For example, people might say that looking up to Paris Hilton would be a very bad idea because she went to jail. The last argument would be that of course, no one is perfect, that all people make mistakes and that looking up to a celebrity would be foolish. Those would probably be the most important reasons of why celebrities should not be role models. … Even though the opposing side's arguments are very persuasive and make sense, I believe celebrities should think more about how to be a good role model. Even though some people might say that all celebrities care about is the fame and the money, I think otherwise.”)

Organization

The author of this essay demonstrates very effective organization in his/her writing. This essay is well organized with a cohesive and unified structure consisting of an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and three well-developed body paragraphs. Lastly, transitional devices are used effectively throughout as demonstrated by the following quote from the introduction: “ Since celebrities are constantly in the public eye, there is a debate over what their responsibilities as role models should be. Many celebrities have said that being a role model to people is not their responsibility. On the other hand, many famous people have declared that they should act as role models to influence people all over the world.”

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay effectively demonstrates sophisticated language use and style in his/her writing. Readers of this essay will find precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are also well structured and varied. (“ Celebrities have the responsibility of being role models nowadays. They are probably being looked up to, anyway, by little children and teenagers too, who want to find out who they are, and by having a role model, their quest might become easier.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay, with few er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“On the other hand, other people might think that celebrities should not be looked at as role models.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you remember when Britney Spears shaved her head? Is that what you want your kids to look up to? I hope not. Celebrities are always in the public eye. Some make horrible decisions and others don't. Should they be viewed as role models? I think they shouldn't. Celebrities should not be viewed as role models because they are disconnected from reality, set bad examples, and use bad, harmful products.

First, celebrities are disconnected from reality; they don't understand how the real world is. Celebrities think because they are famous that they can do whatever they want. For instance, Paris Hilton said she should not go to jail because she was a celebrity even though she had a DUI and was driving with no license. A recent article in People Magazine brought up a good point, that while celebrities are driving around in their $500,000 cars and carrying their designer handbags and worrying that somebody else will wear the same dress to the Oscars, we have to worry about making our house payments and getting food. Another reason is that athletes think they can break the rules. An example of this is Berry Bonds using steroids to break the records. He and many other MLB players think it's ok to break a rule that is their for their safety only. Meanwhile, your kids are reading articles about their hero cheating to break records, what does that say to them, that cheating is ok?

Then there are the celebrities who set bad examples. A perfect example of this is Jamie Lynn Spears being pregnant at 16 with no husband. We asked local hospital staff and they said that about 5 of every 10 pregnant women are underaged and not married. Another Spears child, Britney, has been married twice, has two kids, and has lost custody to them. She has driven with her baby in her lap between her and the wheel, shaven her head, and attacked a paparazzi's car with and umbrella, what's next? Celebrities are constantly making careless decisions and drinking and driving thus bringing me to my next point.

Celebrities are always using and endorsing bad products. They may not be saying drink Bud Light but they are out drinking it and getting their picture taken while drinking it and having their fans see that. Recently Lindsay Lohan has been going to rehab for alcohol problems along with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. A recent survey shows that 50% of the people think that stars are horrible role models. A more recent example is the death of Heath Ledger. He died from a drug overdose of sleeping pills and had videos of him drinking and using drugs.

It's true that Oprah made a school for the girls in South Africa and donates her time and money along with other stars. However, most stars don't take the time to think about poor, starving children. They are too busy thinking about the new purse and shoes that they have to have.

Because celebrities are constantly in the public eye and are always making bad choices, if young kids looked up to them they would make horrible choices and become exactly like them. Sahving their head, getting drunk, doing drugs, and geting plastic surgery. Celebrities should not be seen as role models. The future leaders of America should not be looking up to the horrible examples of celebrities.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer maintains a good focus and meaning regarding the issue of celebrity role models. The author e stablishes and maintains a clear position to persuade the reader that celebrities should not be perceived as role models. (“ Celebrities should not be viewed as role models because they are disconnected from reality, set bad examples, and use bad, harmful products.”) Lastly, a general understanding of the purpose and audience is apparent, and the writer completes most parts of the task.

Content & Development

There is good content and development throughout this essay. Arguments are d eveloped using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position against celebrities as role models. (“ A recent article in People Magazine brought up a good point, that while celebrities are driving around in their $500,000 cars and carrying their designer handbags and worrying that somebody else will wear the same dress to the Oscars, we have to worry about making our house payments and getting food. Another reason is that athletes think they can break the rules. ”) In addition, the author of this essay clearly addresses readers’ counterarguments. (“ It's true that Oprah made a school for the girls in South Africa and donates her time and money along with other stars. However, most stars don't take the time to think about poor, starving children. They are too busy thinking about the new purse and shoes that they have to have.”)

Organization

This essay establishes good organization throughout with evidence of transitional devices used, as demonstrated by the following: “ First, celebrities are disconnected from reality; they don't understand how the real world is. Celebrities think because they are famous that they can do whatever they want. For instance, Paris Hilton said she should not go to jail because she was a celebrity even though she had a DUI and was driving with no license.” In addition, there is a mostly unified, five-paragraph structure with a good, detailed introduction and conclusion and three main points set forth in the introduction that are fully explained in the three body paragraphs. (“ Celebrities should not be viewed as role models because they are disconnected from reality, set bad examples, and use bad, harmful products.”)

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay demonstrates good use of language and style throughout his/her writing. Language and word choice are appropriate, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; sentences are well structured with some variety. (“ Celebrities are constantly making careless decisions and drinking and driving thus bringing me to my next point.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the author’s message. (“ She has driven with her baby in her lap between her and the wheel, shaven her head, and attacked a paparazzi's car with and umbrella, what's next?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people think that just because celebrities are constantly being viewed, they should be role models for their general public. I. for one, disagree with this. I feel that it is not a celebrities job to be peoples role models. I am sure that it does not require them to be perfect citizens in their contract. In my eyes, the media is to blame for a lot of the bad things that children see. Parents always complain about their kids seeing bad examples on the television, but there are things that they can do to stop this. They could easily set parental control locks on their cable box so that kids can only view educational and children channels. However, many parents do not take these actions. Therefore, the fault can also be blamed on the parents for letting their kids see these things.

You turn on your television when you get home from work one day. There you see Britney Spears, being rushed into an ambulance. But who’s fault is it that she has mental problems? The truth is, there are bad people and bad things in the world. Celebrities have problems, just like the rest of us. The only difference is that yours aren’t broadcasted on national television. Your not constantly being talked about or filmed when something negative happens in your life, but stars are. You can't really understand what they go through, so you should not judge them. Just because somebody has fame, does not mean that they are perfect people.

Paparazzi always like to show the difficulties in a famous person’s life. But something that they hardly ever focus on are those celebrities whom are positive role models. These celebrities are like Oprah Winfrey, Katie Holmes, and Angelina Jolie. All of these people are celebrities that do not go out clubbing, partying, or barhopping. They contribute to charities. Also, they use their fame to do good. Oprah had a school bulit in Africa for kids who otherwise wouln't have had a chance to go and get an education. Katie Holmes and her husband, Tom Cruise, were recently seen bidding for a charity. Angelina Jolie and her husband adopt children who have no parents. They all stay clean and positive, and have their acts together. This is the best way to be successful.

Nowadays, kids like to do what they see on TV and hear on the radio. This needs to change. I feel like kids need positive role models who they actually know personally. This will most likely prevent them from seeing negative ones and trying to be like them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate focus and meaning regarding whether or not celebrities should be role models. The writer establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the reader that celebrities should not be considered role models. (“ I feel that it is not a celebrities job to be peoples role models. I am sure that it does not require them to be perfect citizens in their contract. In my eyes, the media is to blame for a lot of the bad things that children see.”) A basic understanding of the purpose and audience is also seen in this essay, and many parts of the task are completed.

Content & Development

Throughout this essay, adequate content and development are seen. Arguments are d eveloped using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position that it is not a celebrity’s responsibility to be a role model. (“ Paparazzi always like to show the difficulties in a famous person’s life. But something that they hardly ever focus on are those celebrities whom are positive role models. These celebrities are like Oprah Winfrey, Katie Holmes, and Angelina Jolie. All of these people are celebrities that do not go out clubbing, partying, or barhopping.”) This essay also adequately addresses readers’ counterarguments in the introduction of the essay. (“ Many people think that just because celebrities are constantly being viewed, they should be role models for their general public. I. for one, disagree with this. I feel that it is not a celebrities job to be peoples role models. I am sure that it does not require them to be perfect citizens in their contract.”)

Organization

This essay is organized adequately throughout. A generally unified four-paragraph structure is apparent, with a shorter, more basic conclusion, while the introduction gives an overview of the author’s perspective. Furthermore, the writer uses some transitional devices between sentences and ideas. (“ Parents always complain about their kids seeing bad examples on the television, but there are things that they can do to stop this. They could easily set parental control locks on their cable box so that kids can only view educational and children channels. However, many parents do not take these actions. Therefore, the fault can also be blamed on the parents for letting their kids see these things.”)

Language Use & Style

An adequate use of language and style is seen in this essay, which demonstrates appropriate language and word choice and an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is generally seen as well. (“Nowadays, kids like to do what they see on TV and hear on the radio. This needs to change. I feel like kids need positive role models who they actually know personally. This will most likely prevent them from seeing negative ones and trying to be like them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“Oprah had a school bulit in Africa for kids who otherwise wouln’t have had a chance to go and get an education.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The public feels as though the celebrities should be better role models. The reason for that is that the kids and some adults look up to them. I feel that celebrities are just like us, the only thing different is that they have more money and are in movies. Even some celebrities wish they could be like us and not have to be at certian meetiings never having time to go do soome thing with their friends. But, they should be a good role modle because the kidss look up to them. for example they shouldn't be out drinking and trying to disobey the law.

Like you shouldn't be trying to be doing bad thiing like driving drunk. See, the society looks at television and think it is all real. Just like some of these shows on television show drugs and stuff and people think just because celebrities are doing it so it is ok to do it and it is cool. Although they are on television and have lots of money doesn’t mean they should go and do drugsand try to be really cool. They don't realize that they are not being cool. Those are some of the reasons that they should be better role modles.

I bet some of the celebrities are really nice but the ones that are not should try to work on their character. i agree with the society that they should try their hardest to try to be a great role model. Still though they are people just like us but the have more money and are in show buisness. the biggest problem is the music. Most rap songs are usually all about drugs, cops and other stuff. But then it get into the kids heads and that is why I say the celebrities should try to be better role modles.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates a limited focus and meaning. The writer states his/her position, but it is unclear and underdeveloped. (“The public feels as though the celebrities should be better role models. The reason for that is that the kids and some adults look up to them. I feel that celebrities are just like us, the only thing different is that they have more money and are in movies.”) The author also shows limited understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author demonstrates limited content and development in this essay. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. Supporting details are somewhat similar to each other, and there are few new details presented in each paragraph. Furthermore, the author attempts to address a counterargument, but it appears somewhat unclear and confused. (“ I bet some of the celebrities are really nice but the ones that are not should try to work on their character. i agree with the society that they should try their hardest to try to be a great role model. Still though they are people just like us but the have more money and are in show buisness. the biggest problem is the music.”)

Organization

Throughout this essay, the limited organization is apparent to the reader, as the essay only consists of three paragraphs. The writer does demonstrate evidence of structure with some transitional devices, such as “for example.” However, the introduction is rather weak, as is the conclusion, which brings forth new information rather than summing up the arguments already presented. (“ I bet some of the celebrities are really nice but the ones that are not should try to work on their character. i agree with the society that they should try their hardest to try to be a great role model. Still though they are people just like us but the have more money and are in show buisness. the biggest problem is the music. Most rap songs are usually all about drugs, cops and other stuff. But then it get into the kids heads and that is why I say the celebrities should try to be better role modles.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates a limited use of language and style. The writer uses simple language, shows a lack of variety in word choice, relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety, and establishes only some awareness of audience and control of voice. (“ Like you shouldn't be trying to be doing bad thiing like driving drunk. See, the society looks at television and think it is all real. Just like some of these shows on television show drugs and stuff and people think just because celebrities are doing it so it is ok to do it and it is cool. Although they are on television and have lots of money doesn't mean they should go and do drugsand try to be really cool.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“Even some celebrities wish they could be like us and not have to be at certian meetiings never having time to go do soome thing with their friends. But, they should be a good role modle because the kidss look up to them. for example they shouldn’t be out drinking and trying to disobey the law.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I don’t think celebrities should be role models because they might not what to. Some celebrities have done bad things. Some celebrities don't want kids to look up to them because they might be doing bad things.

Celebrities should be role models because some celebrities might not want kids to look up them because some celebrities say that just because they chose to be rich and fabulous does not mean they have do right all the time.

Celebrities should not be role molds because some people have done bad things. For example, Vanessa Hugeness I’m pretty sure that she did not think that she was a role model that’s why she did what she did.

Celebrities should not be role models because if kids see the person that they love so much doing something wrong that’s going to make them so do so did these so i what to do that to.

Celebrities should not be role modles because they are just as bad as we are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning toward the argument of whether celebrities should be viewed as role models. Although the writer states that he/she feels that celebrities should not be considered role models, the focus of this essay is rather confused, as the writer also states, “ Celebrities should be role models because some celebrities might not want kids to look up them because some celebrities say that just because they chose to be rich and fabulous does not mean they have do right all the time.”

Content & Development

The writer of this essay demonstrates minimal content and development. Arguments are incompletely and inadequately developed, and there are very few reasons provided in support of the writer’s position. ( “Celebrities should not be role molds because some people have done bad things. For example, Vanessa Hugeness I’m pretty sure that she did not think that she was a role model that's why she did what she did. Celebrities should not be role models because if kids see the person that they love so much doing something wrong that’s going to make them so do so did these so i what to do that to.”) The writer attempts to discuss both sides of the argument, but fails to make a coherent and logical point. (“I don't think celebrities should be role models because they might not what to. Some celebrities have done bad things. Some celebrities don't want kids to look up to them because they might be doing bad things. Celebrities should be role models because some celebrities might not want kids to look up them because some celebrities say that just because they chose to be rich and fabulous does not mean they have do right all the time.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed. The writer shows little evidence of structure with only two unfocused paragraphs, including a confusing introductory paragraph (“ I don’t think celebrities should be role models because they might not what to. Some celebrities have done bad things. Some celebrities don't want kids to look up to them because they might be doing bad things. Celebrities should be role models because some celebrities might not want kids to look up them because some celebrities say that just because they chose to be rich and fabulous does not mean they have do right all the time.”) Furthermore, the conclusion only consists of one sentence. (“ Celebrities should not be role modles because they are just as bad as we are.”) Lastly, the essay is lacking in transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

There is minimal use of language and style in this essay. The author demonstrates generally poor language, a lack of variety in word choice, and little awareness of audience. In addition, basic errors in sentence structure and usage are made. (“ I don’t think celebrities should be role models because they might not what to. Some celebrities have done bad things. Some celebrities don’t want kids to look up to them because they might be doing bad things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“Celebrities should not be role molds because some people have done bad things. For example, Vanessa Hugeness I'm pretty sure that she did not think that she was a role model that's why she did what she did. Celebrities should not be role models because if kids see the person that they love so much doing something wrong that's going to make them so do so did these so i what to do that to.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When i was a little kid i always looked up to a celebrity, such as justin timerlake. A lot of younger chlidren look up to celebrities as rolde models. There are an amass amount of celbrities out there and sometimes they don’t realize that thousands of people look up to them. When coming to a celebrity there are pleanty of respnsibilties. My fisrt recomandation to the celebrities is for them to stay out of trouble, do good things,

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an inadequate focus and meaning. The writer’s position regarding the issue of whether or not celebrities should be viewed as role models is unclear and unfocused. Overall, this writer completes very few parts of the required task. (“ When i was a little kid i always looked up to a celebrity, such as justin timerlake. A lot of younger chlidren look up to celebrities as rolde models. There are an amass amount of celbrities out there and sometimes they don’t realize that thousands of people look up to them. When coming to a celebrity there are pleanty of respnsibilties.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development throughout this essay. Very little attempt is made to use details to support the writer’s position . There is no mention of an opposing point of view. This essay is merely just one paragraph with no further supporting arguments or details. (“ When i was a little kid i always looked up to a celebrity, such as justin timerlake. A lot of younger chlidren look up to celebrities as rolde models. There are an amass amount of celbrities out there and sometimes they don’t realize that thousands of people look up to them. When coming to a celebrity there are pleanty of respnsibilties. My fisrt recomandation to the celebrities is for them to stay out of trouble, do good things,”)

Organization

This essay is organized inadequately; the main idea is not developed. There is also no evidence of structure, with only one paragraph and little evidence of transitional devices used. (“ When i was a little kid i always looked up to a celebrity, such as justin timerlake. A lot of younger chlidren look up to celebrities as rolde models. There are an amass amount of celbrities out there and sometimes they don’t realize that thousands of people look up to them. When coming to a celebrity there are pleanty of respnsibilties. My fisrt recomandation to the celebrities is for them to stay out of trouble, do good things,”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates poor language use and style. Language and word choice are unclear, there is no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage are obvious to the reader. (“ When coming to a celebrity there are pleanty of respnsibilties. My fisrt recomandation to the celebrities is for them to stay out of trouble, do good things,”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“There are an amass amount of celbrities out there and sometimes they don't realize that thousands of people look up to them. When coming to a celebrity there are pleanty of respnsibilties.”)

Cell Phones in School

Many schools restrict students from using their cell phones during school hours. Teachers and administrators have concerns that students will use their phones dishonestly or inappropriately.

Write a letter to your school principal convincing him or her that students should be allowed to use cell phones during school hours. Use facts and examples to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have heard of the rule that there are no cell phones permissible during school hours. I know that is a significant rule, but we should have exceptions sometimes. There may be an emergency, and we can't get to the school phones. So instead of using the school phones, we can use our cell phones. A lot of people use their cell phones at work so why shouldn't we be able to use them at school? I'm not saying we should be able to use them while we're working on school work, but during free time and if we don't have anything to do during advanced studies, we should be able to communicate with people. I mean, if teachers can use them, why can't students use them? If a teacher's cell phone rings, they have to stop what they're doing and answer it. I'm not even asking to drop everything and answer your phone and make everybody wait on you. I’m just saying we want just a little free time to get on our phones after we finish all of our work.

For using our cell phones, we should have free time to get on our cell phones. Some of the people here think some of the homework is preposterous. They think it's too hard, and they have no idea how to get help if they can't understand how the teacher explains it. They shouldn't be able to cheat by having someone text the answers, but get someone to help you understand better. You can ask for help from someone in a different class if no one else can understand it. So if we get help, we can explain it to the class. Also, if the office phone is really busy, and you need picture money or lunch money right away, you can call or text your mom and ask her to bring it for you. If there is a terror attack or a fire, the office phone is not going to be obtainable, so you have to have some way to let your parents know that you're okay. Another usage for cell phones we can have is in each class, we can have a drop box where students drop off their cell phones in there, and when we have free time or the class ends, we can go get them. Cell phones are one of the most popular electronic device. So why not use them?

There are also other good things to do when it comes to using cell phones in class. We can take picture or videos of projects and e-mail them to parents or relatives that want to see them. Students can also text message missed assignments to people that are absent. Some cell phones come with a calculator that can be approved by the teacher when doing math assignments. If a student is slow at writing notes, some phones have a notepad that you can type them down and review it. You can also send that notes to an absent student. Some students also like to listen to music through earphones while studying to relax. We can also use them to view helpful slideshows and podcasts to help us study. You can set a date and time when a certain assignment is due on your cell phone. You can also use the voice recorder to record your assignment to yourself. The teachers can also send us downloadable programs and some phones that have internet browser can also be helpful. Using cell phones can be helpful during class time.

There are that we shouldn't have phones out during school, doesn't really work. People are always pulling out their cell phones during classes. I've seen people get caught with them. So what's really the point in having that rule? People are sneaking their phones out during classes and texting other people which makes the other person pull their phone out in class. We talk about rules in class sometimes and a lot of people think we should have some free time after we finish our work to have our cell phones out. I know about 3 schools that let you do that because my friends go to those schools and they let them get out their cell phones when they finish all of their work. All we're asking for is a little exceptions. Not the full class period while we're doing our work, but a little time after. Please think about considering it. It would really mean a lot to a lot of people. Thank you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus of this essay is very effective. The author insightfully maintains an argument that engages and persuades the reader. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding that he/she is attempting to persuade his or her principal on the validity of cell phone use in schools (“ There are also other good things to do when it comes to using cell phones in class. We can take picture or videos of projects and e-mail them to parents or relatives that want to see them. Students can also text message missed assignments to people that are absent. Some cell phones come with a calculator that can be approved by the teacher when doing math assignments. If a student is slow at writing notes, some phones have a notepad that you can type them down and review it. You can also send that notes to an absent student. Some students also like to listen to music through earphones while studying to relax.”). This author completes every aspect of the task and goes beyond its limits by establishing perceptive ideas and arguments.

Content & Development

In this essay, the writer effectively develops and supports his/her ideas by using a variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details. This essay addresses possible counterarguments in a strong and convincing manner, and it is developed in a logical way that clearly arranges the writer’s information to best persuade his/her principal. (“ Some of the people here think some of the homework is preposterous. They think it's too hard, and they have no idea how to get help if they can't understand how the teacher explains it. They shouldn't be able to cheat by having someone text the answers, but get someone to help you understand better. You can ask for help from someone in a different class if no one else can understand it. So if we get help, we can explain it to the class. Also, if the office phone is really busy, and you need picture money or lunch money right away, you can call or text your mom and ask her to bring it for you.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is very effective. The writer establishes a cohesive, unified structure that contains an engaging introduction and strong conclusion (“ I have heard of the rule that there are no cell phones permissible during school hours. I know that is a significant rule, but we should have exceptions sometimes. There may be an emergency, and we can't get to the school phones. So instead of using the school phones, we can use our cell phones. A lot of people use their cell phones at work so why shouldn't we be able to use them at school?”). The author’s use of paragraphs and transitional devices also remains effective throughout the written work.

Language Use & Style

The language use and overall style of writing in this essay are both very effective. The writer skillfully chooses his/her words and has a clearly defined voice. In this way, the author creates an effective and persuasive argument. (“ There are that we shouldn't have phones out during school, doesn't really work. People are always pulling out their cell phones during classes. I've seen people get caught with them. So what's really the point in having that rule? People are sneaking their phones out during classes and texting other people which makes the other person pull their phone out in class.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author maintains effective control over mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“If a teacher's cell phone rings, they have to stop what they're doing and answer it. I'm not even asking to drop everything and answer your phone and make everybody wait on you. I’m just saying we want just a little free time to get on our phones after we finish all of our work.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

How many people think that students should have cell phones at school? In my mind I think most parents, teachers, and faculties think that when a student has a cellular device at school it can cause bad things. I understand the point that our chaperones are trying to make. They are clearly saying that we shouldn't have them for reasonable causes like us cheating on tests, text messaging in class, not paying attention, and other understanding causes. What they do not think of is about the reasonably good things that they can bring when having them at school.

The first point that I will make to Mrs. Teacher is by saying that there are many good things that cellular products are used for at school. The first good fact about using cell phones at school is a little thing called emergencies. I see emergencies happening at school each and every day. Emergencies like kids getting really sick, also when kids tell their parents about having an activity after school and then they get canceled, needing to make sure whether to ride on the bus or not, and along with many others, but with a cell phone at school it would make everything work out clearly. This would happen by one simple call away and plus you wouldn't have to interrupt the class.

The second point I will make will be on the subject of other variety of reasons for students using these phones. At my middle school I have many friends. Among these friends they are beholding their phone numbers and with a mind like mine it is so hard to remember all of those number, but with a cell you can type it in and remember it forever. Another example of what a cell phone is used for at school is the issue of class time. In every class students and teachers eventually use math. In math we always have to figure out these long equations or other math problems, but with a cell phone you can do it in a simpler way by using your calculator on your phone.

The last statement will consider is the point of entertainment. Entertainment at school is something we never see much of. We are always to busy doing this and that in every class period, but luckily we always have smaller breaks in between classes, also at lunch, and on the bus, but when having a phone this can all change with no harm done. With a phone during these boring time we can give ourselves a time to relax by like playing a game, text messaging someone, or even searching on the web for answers to your homework. I understand that students already take advantage of doing this while in class but that's what the teachers are for. All the teachers have to do is take it up or give them silent lunch.

My conclusion is that students should be allowed to have cell phones at school. I have given and quantity of reasons and opportunities that it will give us as we have them at school. I have also given the bad things that can come with this and I have also supported them with things that you can do to change it. Thank you Mrs. Teacher for your time and I hope you take this with seniority.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, the focus and meaning in this essay are proficient. The writer establishes and maintains a clear thesis in order to persuade the reader to grant the use of cell phones in school (“ At my middle school I have many friends. Among these friends they are beholding their phone numbers and with a mind like mine it is so hard to remember all of those number, but with a cell you can type it in and remember it forever. Another example of what a cell phone is used for at school is the issue of class time. In every class students and teachers eventually use math. In math we always have to figure out these long equations or other math problems, but with a cell phone you can do it in a simpler way by using your calculator on your phone.”). This author also demonstrates a good understanding of audience while completing most aspects of the task.

Content & Development

This essay has a good amount of content and is adequately developed. The writer establishes his/her position using specific, accurate, and relevant details. The author’s method of addressing counterarguments is effective, and the essay is developed in a way that is logical and influential. (“ The first point that I will make to Mrs. Teacher is by saying that there are many good things that cellular products are used for at school. The first good fact about using cell phones at school is a little thing called emergencies. I see emergencies happening at school each and every day. Emergencies like kids getting really sick, also when kids tell their parents about having an activity after school and then they get canceled, needing to make sure whether to ride on the bus or not, and along with many others, but with a cell phone at school it would make everything work out clearly.”)

Organization

In this essay, the writer’s petition of cell phone use in school is clearly defined in the opening paragraph and supported by a cohesive, unified structure and conclusion (“ My conclusion is that students should be allowed to have cell phones at school. I have given and quantity of reasons and opportunities that it will give us as we have them at school. I have also given the bad things that can come with this and I have also supported them with things that you can do to change it. Thank you Mrs. Teacher for your time and I hope you take this with seniority.”). The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow throughout the entire essay. Also, the structure of the essay remains cohesive throughout.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates a good use of language and style. This essay contains well-structured and varied sentences. Additionally, the author shows some evidence of voice and has a clear idea of the audience. The writer chooses appropriate and influential words to reinforce his/her argument (“The last statement will consider is the point of entertainment. Entertainment at school is something we never see much of. We are always to busy doing this and that in every class period, but luckily we always have smaller breaks in between classes, also at lunch, and on the bus, but when having a phone this can all change with no harm done. With a phone during these boring time we can give ourselves a time to relax by like playing a game, text messaging someone, or even searching on the web for answers to your homework.”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains good control over mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“They are clearly saying that we shouldn't have them for reasonable causes like us cheating on tests, text messaging in class, not paying attention, and other understanding causes. What they do not think of is about the reasonably good things that they can bring when having them at school.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Cell phones are a new phenomenon in the world of young people. Today, almost every child has been given a cell phone by their family. Kids as young as eight years old have their own cell phones these days. Many young people consider it a fun new toy to use just like a video game or computer. In fact, most cell phones have computer access. These phones often allow photos and video cameras and children enjoy to use this kind of technology with friends.

Schools should allow students to use cell phones during school hours. Children should have access to a phone immediately in case of emergency. Also, cell phones usually have a calculator and they could be used in during math class instead of buying new calculators for the school. The camera feature of a cell phone could make copying notes very simple and actually through this, grades could go up. Children can also use their video camera to video things. As well as a calculator, camera feature, copying notes, and video camera all on the phone you can also text message people, rather than talking out loud and disrupting the class during a lesson.

Some people might disagree and believe that cell phones should not be used during school hours. Some consider cell phones a distraction to students. However, placing the phone on silent or vibrate is an easy solution. Opponents believe that cell phones in school can get stolen as well. Students are clever enough to know to hide and protect their phones from thieves. They have backpacks that can be used as a safe place for their phones.

In conclusion, cell phone use should be allowed during school hours. cell phones are way of life for Americans, and young people are no exception. Use of a cell phone by anyone should be a right, not a privileged. As a modern society we should embrace technology, and not return a culture devoid of it. Cell phones are our modern day friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be best described as adequate. The author maintains a basic, fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. The writer does succeed in creating a persuasive argument , but any information given is mainly generic. (“Some people might disagree and believe that cell phones should not be used during school hours. Some consider cell phones a distraction to students. However, placing the phone on silent or vibrate is an easy solution.”)

Content & Development

The content of the essay is fairly descriptive and clear. Ideas are introduced using some specific, accurate evidence. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the topic to adequately create a persuasive argument regarding the use of cell phones. (“Schools should allow students to use cell phones during school hours. Children should have access to a phone immediately in case of emergency. Also, cell phones usually have a calculator and they could be used in during math class instead of buying new calculators for the school.”) In addition, the writer demonstrates the adequate use of a counterargument in this essay. (“Some people might disagree and believe that cell phones should not be used during school hours. Some consider cell phones a distraction to students. However, placing the phone on silent or vibrate is an easy solution. Opponents believe that cell phones in school can get stolen as well. Students are clever enough to know to hide and protect their phones from thieves. They have backpacks that can be used as a safe place for their phones.”)

Organization

In this essay, the writer’s discussion of cell phone use is supported by a fairly cohesive, unified structure. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent, but they are occasionally inconsistent. The structure of the essay remains generally cohesive with a noticeable introduction, conclusion, and minimal use of transitional devices. (“ In conclusion, cell phone use should be allowed during school hours. cell phones are way of life for Americans, and young people are no exception. Use of a cell phone by anyone should be a right, not a privileged. As a modern society we should embrace technology, and not return a culture devoid of it. Cell phones are our modern day friends.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains adequate and appropriate. The author does manage to create a persuasive argument, while using words that generally hold the reader’s interest. The author demonstrates a basic control of voice and an awareness of audience. (“Today, almost every child has been given a cell phone by their family. Kids as young as eight years old have their own cell phones these days. Many young people consider it a fun new toy to use just like a video game or computer. In fact, most cell phones have computer access. These phones often allow photos and video cameras and children enjoy to use this kind of technology with friends.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains an adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. (“Use of a cell phone by anyone should be a right, not a privileged.”) Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly detract from communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the wri t er's message.

Model Essay

Cell phones during class would be great because the students wouldn't have to leave the classroom to walk all the way to the office. Sometimes cell phones are a big help because students could record class information.

First of all, all cell phones are not a big deal. Cell phones can help students and teachers by not having to leave the classroom just to get a ride home after school. They could also be used as calculators and planners.

Secondly, students wouldn't have to sneak around the school just to use a cell phone during our free time. Some students go into the stalls of the bathroom to use cell phones.

Lastly, if the student just got bullied he/she could call the dean and tell him where the bullies went or if a student has had a really bad day he/she could call up to the guidance office and talk to her. And students could text to each other and not have to pass notes around the room.

In conclusion, cell phones wouldn't be a distraction to the learning environment. But cell phones would be a big help. Thank you for your time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as limited. The author maintains a basic, somewhat vague focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs (“In conclusion, cell phones wouldn't be a distraction to the learning environment. But cell phones would be a big help. Thank you for your time.”). The writer does attempt to state reasons why schools should have cell phones, but the comparison is vague.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is very limited. Descriptions are somewhat vague and brief (“ First of all, all cell phones are not a big deal. Cell phones can help students and teachers by not having to leave the classroom just to get a ride home after school. They could also be used as calculators and planners.”). Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. The writer does make an overall attempt at a persuasive essay, but that comparison lacks sufficient detail.

Organization

In this essay, a persuasive argument regarding cell phones is present but limited. The overall descriptive support within the opening, body, and conclusion is lacking (“ Cell phones during class would be great because the students wouldn't have to leave the classroom to walk all the way to the office. Sometimes cell phones are a big help because students could record class information.”). T ransitions between ideas and paragraphs are inconsistent, and the author’s arguments remain brief, uncertain, or conflicting.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains simple and limited. The author’s attempt at being persuasive in this essay is done so in a basic manner, using generic, nondescriptive words. The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent. (“Secondly, students wouldn't have to sneak around the school just to use a cell phone during our free time. Some students go into the stalls of the bathroom to use cell phones.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains limited control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece with some errors in grammar (“Lastly, if the student just got bullied he/she could call the dean and tell him where the bullies went or if a student has had a really bad day he/she could call up to the guidance office and talk to her”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that are noticeable, but that do not necessarily detract from the message of the essay.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many schools restrict students from using cellphones during school hours.Teacher and staff have concerns that students will use thier phones dishonestly or inappropiately.They will also distrupt the class while it is in session.Many schools oppose but it is a good thing to have phones.Say if something happened in school and your the only one that saw you report it for yours and others safety.If we did not have them then something really would happen.

We need phones for safety issues so we could contact someone who could help.There might be a fire or someone in the school brings a gun or knife to school.If their was at school and it started in the front office theirs no possibly way we could report it.The othert reason is if someone brought a gun to school and you only new you could have the courage to get your phone out and call the cops and if we didn't their would be a shootout.Not only that but a pupil could of brought a knife and would prabably want to use it on another peer.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as minimal. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. (“We need phones for safety issues so we could contact someone who could help.There might be a fire or someone in the school brings a gun or knife to school.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay can be described as brief and incomplete. Descriptions contain little to no detail and are not developed in ways that fully address the main ideas of the essay. Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. Generally, any argument is vague at best. (“ If their was at school and it started in the front office theirs no possibly way we could report it.The othert reason is if someone brought a gun to school and you only new you could have the courage to get your phone out and call the cops and if we didn't their would be a shootout.”)

Organization

In this essay, the use of information regarding cell phone use in school is minimal. Descriptions within the opening, body, and conclusion are lacking and incomplete (“ Teacher and staff have concerns that students will use thier phones dishonestly or inappropiately.They will also distrupt the class while it is in session.Many schools oppose but it is a good thing to have phones.”). T ransitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer showcases a poor use of language and style (“Many schools oppose but it is a good thing to have phones.”). The author argues for the use of cell phones in school using nondescriptive language. The author displays little awareness of audience and voice, while committing basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains minimal control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“Many schools restrict students from using cellphones during school hours.Teacher and staff have concerns that students will use thier phones dishonestly or inappropiately.They will also distrupt the class while it is in session.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think we should be abel to use cell phone during class because some students who have family troubel might want to keep in reach with their parents. If some thing happens that the school phone dosen't work and we can use a cell phone to call for help. When stundents forget thrie projects they can just call their parents on thier cell phones in stead of useing the schools. Cell phones been here long time and easier to use then the internet. Some students will be more pared like when they forget their p.e clothes or projects,homework,and glass so they won't get in trouble.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate focus and creates no actual meaning (“Cell phones been here long time and easier to use then the internet.”). The author also fails to persuade the audience in regards to answering the main idea listed in the prompt. The writer does not succeed in creating any kind of argument.

Content & Development

The writing throughout this essay fails to contain an adequately developed persuasive argument. Descriptions and comparisons remain brief, unclear, and are developed in a way that does not fully address the main idea of cell phone use in school. Ideas are introduced using little to no specific or accurate evidence. (“ When stundents forget thrie projects they can just call their parents on thier cell phones in stead of useing the schools.”)

Organization

In this essay, the argument to allow cell phone use in school can best be described as partial. There is no structure within the argument, and there is also no visible introduction or conclusion (“ Cell phones been here long time and easier to use then the internet. Some students will be more pared like when they forget their p.e clothes or projects,homework,and glass so they won't get in trouble.”). Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are nonexistent.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer fails to use language in an engaging manner (“I think we should be abel to use cell phone during class because some students who have family troubel might want to keep in reach with their parents.”). There is no awareness of an audience and no use of voice. There is also no evidence of varied sentence structure or word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains no control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they greatly interfere with the communication of the message. (“If some thing happens that the school phone dosen't work and we can use a cell phone to call for help.”)

Choosing an Exotic Pet

Have you ever thought about owning a really unusual pet? Some people love having an exotic pet to show off to their friends, while others think owning an exotic pet makes them special. An exotic pet might be an iguana, a gecko, a coatimundi, a serval, a kinkajou, a llama, or even a chimpanzee! There are many unique pets to consider.

When you become a pet owner, you must consider how to care for your exotic pet. What do they eat? What do they need to be comfortable in your home? Are they dangerous? Will you need to protect your family or friends? You also have to think about how much it costs to keep an exotic pet.

Research an exotic pet, then develop an argument and write a multi-paragraph essay either persuading your parents to allow you to purchase an exotic pet, or convincing them it is not a good idea. Be sure to include facts and details from your research to support your argument and counterarguments.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Advantages to having an Exotic Pet

Imagine going to school one day and saying you got a new pet for your birthday over the weekend. Most likely, your friends would guess different animals such as a dog, cat, or hamster. After they give up, you finally tell them the surprise. Your family now owns a llama! This South American relative of the camel would now be a resident of your home, and the ways it would benefit you and your family are numerous. Because of all the wonderful adventures we could have together with a llama, I believe it is a wonderful idea! Owning a llama would be inexpensive, could help with the transportation of heavy goods, and could teach character ideas to my sisters and me.

To begin with, owning a llama would not be in any way expensive. For the average pet (such as a dog), the cost of food, training, medical care, and housing all adds up to a high budget. However, for a llama, food is taken care of in our backyard. They need just a little water, and their appetite consists of a variety of plants. They graze (similar to cows) and regurgitate their food. By doing this, they then need to chew it as cud. These wads are chewed on for some time before the llama swallows them. Once it is swallowed, complete digestion has occurred. Because of this easy food pallet, they are durable animals and dependable even in sparse mountainous terrain. Additionally, they do not need to be trained to carry large loads. They are willing pack animals (to a certain point), and they will carry loads across long distances. Furthermore, they do not take up a lot of space so a large yard or an area with empty space is not necessary. Owning a pet has never been this easy!

Another reason why owning a llama would be a wonderful idea is because they are helpful. In return for giving them water and a home, they assist in moving any heavy items that you cannot carry. After a while, they will get tired and stop. However, even after this, they just need their burden to be lessened a little more, and they will continue the journey. It is amazing how they cease to get tired and never give up. That lesson of perseverance will teach and inspire us to do the same. The llama is a wonderful role model! However, helping carry objects is not the only way they assist people. For example, leather is made from their hides and their wool is created into fabrics, ropes, and even rugs! Their excrement can be dried and later burned for fuel. Lastly, even after they have passed away, some people make a meal from their meat.

My last reason that llamas would be an excellent addition to our family is that they would teach us lessons that are valuable for life. As I mentioned earlier, watching them continue to work hard as they move and load goods would teach me to put that same kind of effort into my school work. It is said that whoever you spend a lot of time with (people, or in this case pets) you are greatly influenced by their behavior. Supposing this is true, imagine the difference in our attitude towards schoolwork, chores and even life in general! I am sure that you will be very pleased with the outcome of your new optimistic children. Also, after observing the llama’s diet, we will not be as picky when we eat dinner or any other meal you make throughout the day. Finally, remembering to give the llama water or if necessary some plants will teach us responsibility. It is important to have that quality as we grow older and eventually mature into adults.

Some people may argue that when llamas get tired because their load is too heavy, they will lie down on the ground and refuse to move. To prove the point even further, they may kick, spit, or hiss at their owners. However, when we get tired from holding something heavy for a long time we complain and do the same. Since animals cannot talk, that is the llama's only way to express his/her feelings. A baby does the same thing when its need is not taken care of at the exact moment it pleases. To expect a llama to never get upset about what it is carrying is unreasonable and unfair.

In conclusion, owning a llama would benefit our family because it is inexpensive, would assist in carrying large goods, and would teach important lessons about character and values. No other animal could complete these tasks as well as the llama does. It does not take up any space and would provide so many wonderful learning opportunities! So the next time you think we should get a new pet, please highly consider the llama. Does the llama sound like something you would enjoy owning? If so, don't think twice! Getting a llama is very wise!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion that effectively persuades readers that a llama is a desirable pet. The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinion statement. (“Imagine going to school one day and saying you got a new pet for your birthday over the weekend. Most likely, your friends would guess different animals such as a dog, cat, or hamster. After they give up, you finally tell them the surprise. Your family now owns a llama! This South American relative of the camel would now be a resident of your home, and the ways it would benefit you and your family are numerous. Because of all the wonderful adventures we could have together with a llama, I believe it is a wonderful idea! Owning a llama would be inexpensive, could help with the transportation of heavy goods, and could teach character ideas to my sisters and me.”)

The essay effectively stays focused on the central/controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that a llama would provide many benefits for a family. Each paragraph describes a particular benefit. (“To begin with, owning a llama would not be in any way expensive. For the average pet (such as a dog), the cost of food, training, medical care, and housing all adds up to a high budget. However, for a llama, food is taken care of in our backyard. They need just a little water, and their appetite consists of a variety of plants. They graze (similar to cows) and regurgitate their food. By doing this, they then need to chew it as cud. These wads are chewed on for some time before the llama swallows them. Once it is swallowed, complete digestion has occurred. Because of this easy food pallet, they are durable animals and dependable even in sparse mountainous terrain. Additionally, they do not need to be trained to carry large loads. They are willing pack animals (to a certain point), and they will carry loads across long distances. Furthermore, they do not take up a lot of space so a large yard or an area with empty space is not necessary. Owning a pet has never been this easy!”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“No other animal could complete these tasks as well as the llama does. It does not take up any space and would provide so many wonderful learning opportunities! So the next time you think we should get a new pet, please highly consider the llama. Does the llama sound like something you would enjoy owning? If so, don't think twice! Getting a llama is very wise!”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the advantages of owning an exotic pet. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. Specific examples that show how a llama can provide useful products and services support the writer's main idea. (“Another reason why owning a llama would be a wonderful idea is because they are helpful. In return for giving them water and a home, they assist in moving any heavy items that you cannot carry. After a while, they will get tired and stop. However, even after this, they just need their burden to be lessened a little more, and they will continue the journey. It is amazing how they cease to get tired and never give up. That lesson of perseverance will teach and inspire us to do the same. The llama is a wonderful role model! However, helping carry objects is not the only way they assist people. For example, leather is made from their hides and their wool is created into fabrics, ropes, and even rugs! Their excrement can be dried and later burned for fuel. Lastly, even after they have passed away, some people make a meal from their meat.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some people may argue that when llamas get tired because their load is too heavy, they will lie down on the ground and refuse to move. To prove the point even further, they may kick, spit, or hiss at their owners. However, when we get tired from holding something heavy for a long time we complain and do the same. Since animals cannot talk, that is the llama's only way to express his/her feelings. A baby does the same thing when its need is not taken care of at the exact moment it pleases. To expect a llama to never get upset about what it is carrying is unreasonable and unfair.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“My last reason that llamas would be an excellent addition to our family is that they would teach us lessons that are valuable for life. As I mentioned earlier, watching them continue to work hard as they move and load goods would teach me to put that same kind of effort into my school work. It is said that whoever you spend a lot of time with (people, or in this case pets) you are greatly influenced by their behavior. Supposing this is true, imagine the difference in our attitude towards schoolwork, chores and even life in general! I am sure that you will be very pleased with the outcome of your new optimistic children. Also, after observing the llama’s diet, we will not be as picky when we eat dinner or any other meal you make throughout the day. Finally, remembering to give the llama water or if necessary some plants will teach us responsibility. It is important to have that quality as we grow older and eventually mature into adults.”)

Organization

The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The writer relates the topic of the essay to personal experiences that are relevant to readers. The implication is that every reader understands the excitement of purchasing a new pet. (“Imagine going to school one day and saying you got a new pet for your birthday over the weekend. Most likely, your friends would guess different animals such as a dog, cat, or hamster. After they give up, you finally tell them the surprise. Your family now owns a llama! This South American relative of the camel would now be a resident of your home, and the ways it would benefit you and your family are numerous. Because of all the wonderful adventures we could have together with a llama, I believe it is a wonderful idea! Owning a llama would be inexpensive, could help with the transportation of heavy goods, and could teach character ideas to my sisters and me.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “another reason,” “after a while,” “however,” “for example,” and “lastly” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Another reason why owning a llama would be a wonderful idea is because they are helpful. In return for giving them water and a home, they assist in moving any heavy items that you cannot carry. After a while, they will get tired and stop. However, even after this, they just need their burden to be lessened a little more, and they will continue the journey. It is amazing how they cease to get tired and never give up. That lesson of perseverance will teach and inspire us to do the same. The llama is a wonderful role model! However, helping carry objects is not the only way they assist people. For example, leather is made from their hides and their wool is created into fabrics, ropes, and even rugs! Their excrement can be dried and later burned for fuel. Lastly, even after they have passed away, some people make a meal from their meat.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. The writer reviews the advantages of purchasing a llama for a family pet. (“In conclusion, owning a llama would benefit our family because it is inexpensive, would assist in carrying large goods, and would teach important lessons about character and values. No other animal could complete these tasks as well as the llama does. It does not take up any space and would provide so many wonderful learning opportunities! So the next time you think we should get a new pet, please highly consider the llama. Does the llama sound like something you would enjoy owning? If so, don't think twice! Getting a llama is very wise!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Imagine going to school one day and saying you got a new pet for your birthday over the weekend. Most likely, your friends would guess different animals such as a dog, cat, or hamster. After they give up, you finally tell them the surprise. Your family now owns a llama! This South American relative of the camel would now be a resident of your home, and the ways it would benefit you and your family are numerous. Because of all the wonderful adventures we could have together with a llama, I believe it is a wonderful idea! Owning a llama would be inexpensive, could help with the transportation of heavy goods, and could teach character ideas to my sisters and me.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers will thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. The writer discusses how the children can learn valuable lessons about behavior from observing the llama. (“My last reason that llamas would be an excellent addition to our family is that they would teach us lessons that are valuable for life. As I mentioned earlier, watching them continue to work hard as they move and load goods would teach me to put that same kind of effort into my school work. It is said that whoever you spend a lot of time with (people, or in this case pets) you are greatly influenced by their behavior. Supposing this is true, imagine the difference in our attitude towards schoolwork, chores and even life in general! I am sure that you will be very pleased with the outcome of your new optimistic children. Also, after observing the llama’s diet, we will not be as picky when we eat dinner or any other meal you make throughout the day. Finally, remembering to give the llama water or if necessary some plants will teach us responsibility. It is important to have that quality as we grow older and eventually mature into adults.”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“In conclusion, owning a llama would benefit our family because it is inexpensive, would assist in carrying large goods, and would teach important lessons about character and values. No other animal could complete these tasks as well as the llama does. It does not take up any space and would provide so many wonderful learning opportunities! So the next time you think we should get a new pet, please highly consider the llama. Does the llama sound like something you would enjoy owning? If so, don't think twice! Getting a llama is very wise!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“For the average pet (such as a dog), the cost of food, training, medical care, and housing all adds up to a high budget. However, for a llama, food is taken care of in our backyard. They need just a little water, and their appetite consists of a variety of plants. They graze (similar to cows) and regurgitate their food. By doing this, they then need to chew it as cud. These wads are chewed on for some time before the llama swallows them. Once it is swallowed, complete digestion has occurred. Because of this easy food pallet, they are durable animals and dependable even in sparse mountainous terrain.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Exotic Pets, Are They Worth it?

It has come to my attention that people are becoming interested in buying exotic animals. For example, a Serval is one of the most favored pets. A Serval is a small, slender cat with long legs, big ears, a small head, and with its lean body it has agility. The cat's coat is brown with black stripes or spots with a white belly. This allows it to blend in with its natural surroundings. To add, the cat loves to climb, leap, and play in water. It also has an extra-long neck (so it can catch prey out of range). Many people believe that it would be a great if they could have an animal like this. However, this wild animal can harm others, ruin your personal items, and they cost a good amount of money to maintain it.

To begin with, an animal like a serval can become hostage very quickly. If a person were to bring this cat home, it can become unfamiliar with its surroundings and attack others because it was scared. Also, the cat may not be trained because it is a wild animal that hunts weaker prey. To add, you would be in terrible trouble if the cat wandered into you neighbor's yard and attacked their pets. This can get you in a serious law situation that can get you arrested. Furthermore, the cat could be carrying diseases that could kill a man. Imagine that you let your new Serval into your house and it wanders around for a little bit, then bites your child giving him a disease. Most people think that they can train their cat to be nice, but doing this is very dangerous. For example, you can be petting the cat and it could turn around a begin to attack you.

To add, this wild animal can ruin all of your personal belongings. For example, if you managed to train it and let in come in your house, it could rip up all your walls, chairs, and desks. This is because this cat loves to climb things and it will use its razor sharp claws to climb. Also, it can dirty your house because it loves to play in the water and it could come inside. It can also ruin many glass items, because it can knock them over when it walks by. The Serval can jump up to nine feet in the air, so when this cat wants to get something in your house, it can jump up there. Furthermore, it has high, shrill cries and mews that can be heard from blocks around. This could get you in trouble if the cat won't be quiet at night.

Last but not least, maintaining this animal is very expensive. For instance, this cat's main diet is birds, frogs, reptiles, and large insects. Each of these small animals are at least more than twenty dollars. Also, if you couldn't train the cat all by yourself, you would have to hire an expert to do it. Doing this would cost a fortune and take around six months to accomplish. What if the cat forgot its traning? you would have to hire the expert again. What makes the cat be even more expensive is the disease shots it is required to get. There are around fourteen different shots that this cat needs to acquire or else it wouldn't be legal. Out of all of these expensive costs for keeping it, only a very successful man or women can keep up with the prices.

Some people believe that having this as a pet would be great because they could use it as protection. However, it can easily turn on you and begin to attack you even though it was trained. A dog would provide better protection for your family.

In conclusion, having an exotic pet is a bad idea because it can harm you, break your items, and be very expensive. Instead of buying one, you can visit a local zoo to see an exotic pet like the Serval. Thank you for taking the time to read this essay.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of exotic pets in order to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with interesting facts about an unusual animal. (“It has come to my attention that people are becoming interested in buying exotic animals. For example, a Serval is one of the most favored pets. A Serval is a small, slender cat with long legs, big ears, a small head, and with its lean body it has agility. The cat's coat is brown with black stripes or spots with a white belly. This allows it to blend in with its natural surroundings. To add, the cat loves to climb, leap, and play in water. It also has an extra-long neck (so it can catch prey out of range). ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer cites specific examples of the dangers of keeping a serval as a pet. (“To begin with, an animal like a serval can become hostage very quickly. If a person were to bring this cat home, it can become unfamiliar with its surroundings and attack others because it was scared. Also, the cat may not be trained because it is a wild animal that hunts weaker prey. To add, you would be in terrible trouble if the cat wandered into you neighbor's yard and attacked their pets. This can get you in a serious law situation that can get you arrested. Furthermore, the cat could be carrying diseases that could kill a man. Imagine that you let your new Serval into your house and it wanders around for a little bit, then bites your child giving him a disease. Most people think that they can train their cat to be nice, but doing this is very dangerous. For example, you can be petting the cat and it could turn around a begin to attack you. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Many people believe that it would be a great if they could have an animal like this. However, this wild animal can harm others, ruin your personal items, and they cost a good amount of money to maintain it. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. The essay develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer includes facts, examples, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. The example of damage it could cause to a home validates the writer’s opinion that a serval would not make a suitable pet. (“To add, this wild animal can ruin all of your personal belongings. For example, if you managed to train it and let in come in your house, it could rip up all your walls, chairs, and desks. This is because this cat loves to climb things and it will use its razor sharp claws to climb. Also, it can dirty your house because it loves to play in the water and it could come inside. It can also ruin many glass items, because it can knock them over when it walks by. The Serval can jump up to nine feet in the air, so when this cat wants to get something in your house, it can jump up there. Furthermore, it has high, shrill cries and mews that can be heard from blocks around. This could get you in trouble if the cat won't be quiet at night. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer explains that unexpected expenses for the serval’s care would add up quickly. (“Last but not least, maintaining this animal is very expensive. For instance, this cat's main diet is birds, frogs, reptiles, and large insects. Each of these small animals are at least more than twenty dollars. Also, if you couldn't train the cat all by yourself, you would have to hire an expert to do it. Doing this would cost a fortune and take around six months to accomplish. What if the cat forgot its traning? you would have to hire the expert again. What makes the cat be even more expensive is the disease shots it is required to get. There are around fourteen different shots that this cat needs to acquire or else it wouldn't be legal. Out of all of these expensive costs for keeping it, only a very successful man or women can keep up with the prices. ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people believe that having this as a pet would be great because they could use it as protection. However, it can easily turn on you and begin to attack you even though it was trained. A dog would provide better protection for your family.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, and they keep the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“It has come to my attention that people are becoming interested in buying exotic animals. For example, a Serval is one of the most favored pets. A Serval is a small, slender cat with long legs, big ears, a small head, and with its lean body it has agility. The cat's coat is brown with black stripes or spots with a white belly. This allows it to blend in with its natural surroundings. To add, the cat loves to climb, leap, and play in water. It also has an extra-long neck (so it can catch prey out of range). Many people believe that it would be a great if they could have an animal like this. However, this wild animal can harm others, ruin your personal items, and they cost a good amount of money to maintain it. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs and sentences help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“To begin with, an animal like a serval can become hostage very quickly. If a person were to bring this cat home, it can become unfamiliar with its surroundings and attack others because it was scared. Also, the cat may not be trained because it is a wild animal that hunts weaker prey. To add, you would be in terrible trouble if the cat wandered into you neighbor's yard and attacked their pets. This can get you in a serious law situation that can get you arrested. Furthermore, the cat could be carrying diseases that could kill a man. Imagine that you let your new Serval into your house and it wanders around for a little bit, then bites your child giving him a disease. Most people think that they can train their cat to be nice, but doing this is very dangerous. For example, you can be petting the cat and it could turn around a begin to attack you. ”)

The conclusion summarizes the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, having an exotic pet is a bad idea because it can harm you, break your items, and be very expensive. Instead of buying one, you can visit a local zoo to see an exotic pet like the Serval. Thank you for taking the time to read this essay.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“To add, this wild animal can ruin all of your personal belongings. For example, if you managed to train it and let in come in your house, it could rip up all your walls, chairs, and desks. This is because this cat loves to climb things and it will use its razor sharp claws to climb. Also, it can dirty your house because it loves to play in the water and it could come inside. It can also ruin many glass items, because it can knock them over when it walks by. The Serval can jump up to nine feet in the air, so when this cat wants to get something in your house, it can jump up there. Furthermore, it has high, shrill cries and mews that can be heard from blocks around. This could get you in trouble if the cat won't be quiet at night. ”)

The language and tone of the essay are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Last but not least, maintaining this animal is very expensive. For instance, this cat's main diet is birds, frogs, reptiles, and large insects. Each of these small animals are at least more than twenty dollars. Also, if you couldn't train the cat all by yourself, you would have to hire an expert to do it. Doing this would cost a fortune and take around six months to accomplish. What if the cat forgot its traning? you would have to hire the expert again. What makes the cat be even more expensive is the disease shots it is required to get. There are around fourteen different shots that this cat needs to acquire or else it wouldn't be legal. Out of all of these expensive costs for keeping it, only a very successful man or women can keep up with the prices. ”)

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“In conclusion, having an exotic pet is a bad idea because it can harm you, break your items, and be very expensive. Instead of buying one, you can visit a local zoo to see an exotic pet like the Serval. Thank you for taking the time to read this essay. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“The cat's coat is brown with black stripes or spots with a white belly. This allows it to blend in with its natural surroundings. To add, the cat loves to climb, leap, and play in water. It also has an extra-long neck (so it can catch prey out of range). Many people believe that it would be a great if they could have an animal like this. However, this wild animal can harm others, ruin your personal items, and they cost a good amount of money to maintain it. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

Have you ever heard of a kinkajou? Well, they are great animals and would make an awesome pet. They would benefit us a lot and wouldn't be hard to take care of. We wouldn't have to take them to get groomed like people do for dogs. Kinkajous are very independent animals and mainly come out at night. The first thing you may ask is "How much would they cost?" Usually, kinkajous run around $2,200, which might sound like a lot but believe me, it is definetely worth it.

Most families are always concerned about problems with bugs, well, kinkajous would help. Kinkajous get rid of insects like termites, so we wouldn't have to worry about yearly visits from Terminex. Then there are bee hives which people tend to freak out about. Guess what kinkajous sometimes eat honey. They will raid bee hives and take out all the honey causing the bees to go and make a hive somewhere else. They also feast off of fruits and little rodents such as mice and rats. A kinkajou would definitely take care of pest problems. Kinkajous are often heard making barking and screeching noises, which seem annoying, but dogs and cats make noises too. Their barking and screeching noises are used to warn when a predator is around or when something is going wrong. Imagine how helpful a kinkajou would be, they could give us signals and watch over us at night. There wouldn't be an burgulars at our house!

I've told you about what kinkajous can do for us, but I haven't told you about how they live. Kinkajous live outside and mostly hang around on trees. They are very strong little animals and use their tails to hang upside down. Not only are they good on trees, but they are good on the ground. Their feet are designed to turn backwards so they can run fast in different directions. Kinkajous tend to take care of themselves too, we wouldn't have to really do anything except check to make sure how it is. They hunt for their food, sleep, and take care of grooming their bodies.

Even though kinkajous have a lot of good qualities,like all parents, you're may have some concerns. Thinking from a parents perspective, I could guess that you still are not sold on the average price of $2,200. But just think, there are people who sometimes pay that for a dog plus all the medical work, supplies, and grooming. You wouldn't really have anything else to pay for a kinkajou. Also, you probably think that barking and screeching noises will get on your nerves, but it's just like any other pet making noises. Bee raids may sound scary too, imagining having angry bees swarming out of their hives, but remember that this all happens during the night when people aren't out.

I really hope that you will consider having a kinkajou as a pet because I know it would be something you would not regret. As you make your decision keep in mind everything I told you about a kinkajou. It would watch over our house, keep away pests, and it would manage on its own. All I ask is that you really think about it, I will help with anything you ask and I know you would enjoy a pet kinkajou.

Love,

Anne

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an opinion about the benefits of purchasing an exotic pet and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue of owning an exotic animal. (“Have you ever heard of a kinkajou? Well, they are great animals and would make an awesome pet.”)

The language of the thesis statement/controlling idea fits the examples well. Explanations support the writer’s assertion that a kinkajous would benefit the family. (“Most families are always concerned about problems with bugs, well, kinkajous would help. Kinkajous get rid of insects like termites, so we wouldn't have to worry about yearly visits from Terminex. Then there are bee hives which people tend to freak out about. Guess what kinkajous sometimes eat honey. They will raid bee hives and take out all the honey causing the bees to go and make a hive somewhere else. They also feast off of fruits and little rodents such as mice and rats. A kinkajou would definitely take care of pest problems. Kinkajous are often heard making barking and screeching noises, which seem annoying, but dogs and cats make noises too. Their barking and screeching noises are used to warn when a predator is around or when something is going wrong. Imagine how helpful a kinkajou would be, they could give us signals and watch over us at night. There wouldn't be an burgulars at our house!”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she states that kinkajous require little care. (“I've told you about what kinkajous can do for us, but I haven't told you about how they live. Kinkajous live outside and mostly hang around on trees. They are very strong little animals and use their tails to hang upside down. Not only are they good on trees, but they are good on the ground. Their feet are designed to turn backwards so they can run fast in different directions. Kinkajous tend to take care of themselves too, we wouldn't have to really do anything except check to make sure how it is. They hunt for their food, sleep, and take care of grooming their bodies.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position and adequately addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Most families are always concerned about problems with bugs, well, kinkajous would help. Kinkajous get rid of insects like termites, so we wouldn't have to worry about yearly visits from Terminex. Then there are bee hives which people tend to freak out about. Guess what kinkajous sometimes eat honey. They will raid bee hives and take out all the honey causing the bees to go and make a hive somewhere else. They also feast off of fruits and little rodents such as mice and rats. A kinkajou would definitely take care of pest problems.”)

The explanations and details used to support the writer's main ideas are adequate. (“I've told you about what kinkajous can do for us, but I haven't told you about how they live. Kinkajous live outside and mostly hang around on trees. They are very strong little animals and use their tails to hang upside down. Not only are they good on trees, but they are good on the ground. Their feet are designed to turn backwards so they can run fast in different directions. Kinkajous tend to take care of themselves too, we wouldn't have to really do anything except check to make sure how it is. They hunt for their food, sleep, and take care of grooming their bodies.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Even though kinkajous have a lot of good qualities,like all parents, you're may have some concerns. Thinking from a parents perspective, I could guess that you still are not sold on the average price of $2,200. But just think, there are people who sometimes pay that for a dog plus all the medical work, supplies, and grooming. You wouldn't really have anything else to pay for a kinkajou. Also, you probably think that barking and screeching noises will get on your nerves, but it's just like any other pet making noises. Bee raids may sound scary too, imagining having angry bees swarming out of their hives, but remember that this all happens during the night when people aren't out.”)

Organization

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Have you ever heard of a kinkajou? Well, they are great animals and would make an awesome pet. They would benefit us a lot and wouldn't be hard to take care of. We wouldn't have to take them to get groomed like people do for dogs. Kinkajous are very independent animals and mainly come out at night. The first thing you may ask is ‘How much would they cost?’ Usually, kinkajous run around $2,200, which might sound like a lot but believe me, it is definetely worth it.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Even though kinkajous have a lot of good qualities,like all parents, you're may have some concerns. Thinking from a parents perspective, I could guess that you still are not sold on the average price of $2,200. But just think, there are people who sometimes pay that for a dog plus all the medical work, supplies, and grooming. You wouldn't really have anything else to pay for a kinkajou. Also, you probably think that barking and screeching noises will get on your nerves, but it's just like any other pet making noises. Bee raids may sound scary too, imagining having angry bees swarming out of their hives, but remember that this all happens during the night when people aren't out.”) Additional transitions would help to connect ideas.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“I really hope that you will consider having a kinkajou as a pet because I know it would be something you would not regret. As you make your decision keep in mind everything I told you about a kinkajou. It would watch over our house, keep away pests, and it would manage on its own. All I ask is that you really think about it, I will help with anything you ask and I know you would enjoy a pet kinkajou.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates adequate voice as he/she presents arguments in the essay. (“Dear Mom and Dad, Have you ever heard of a kinkajou? Well, they are great animals and would make an awesome pet. They would benefit us a lot and wouldn't be hard to take care of. We wouldn't have to take them to get groomed like people do for dogs. Kinkajous are very independent animals and mainly come out at night. The first thing you may ask is ‘How much would they cost?’ Usually, kinkajous run around $2,200, which might sound like a lot but believe me, it is definetely worth it.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Even though kinkajous have a lot of good qualities,like all parents, you're may have some concerns. Thinking from a parents perspective, I could guess that you still are not sold on the average price of $2,200. But just think, there are people who sometimes pay that for a dog plus all the medical work, supplies, and grooming. You wouldn't really have anything else to pay for a kinkajou. Also, you probably think that barking and screeching noises will get on your nerves, but it's just like any other pet making noises. Bee raids may sound scary too, imagining having angry bees swarming out of their hives, but remember that this all happens during the night when people aren't out.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer combines sentences with conjunctions. (“I really hope that you will consider having a kinkajou as a pet because I know it would be something you would not regret. As you make your decision keep in mind everything I told you about a kinkajou. It would watch over our house, keep away pests, and it would manage on its own. All I ask is that you really think about it, I will help with anything you ask and I know you would enjoy a pet kinkajou.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Imagine how helpful a kinkajou would be, they could give us signals and watch over us at night. There wouldn't be an burgulars at our house!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Why Not to Have an Exotic Pet

"Scratch, ouch that hurts!" Have you ever wondered why your parents want you to have an exotic pet, I have and I thought of two reasons to support my backround knowledge two reasons why not to have an exotic pet. The first reason is that they cost to much to take care of and that they are a lot of work. Second reason is that they can be really dangerous and could hurt your family.

First reason was that it takes a lot of work to take care of it and that it cost money a lot of it too here are some details. They cost way to much because you have to buy it lots of different kinds of food, like a Serval you have to buy it some birds, reptiles, frogs, and large insects. Thats going to cost you a fortune and then you have to pick up all of its trash. Then you have to buy it special habitats like an Iguana you have put it in a like box and you make it the right temperature or else it will die because most of the people that own an Iguana the Iguana dies within the first year. Its like haveing an extra person in your house and it can't pick up after its self.

My Second reason is that most of the exotic pets can be pretty dangerous here are some details about it. They can be pretty dangerous like a Sloth it has super sharp claws they are so sharp they can cut a bone in half as if it was just a twig. Also the Tarantula can be pretty dangerous to because some of them could be posinessor could have some venom which could harm you. And some times Llamas can be pretty dangerous too because they are very stubburn and if you make them really stubburn they can chase you and kick you pretty hard.

I know you are thinking it can teach me how to be responsible however it could be really dangerous and could hurt me or even could kill me.

Now after reading this you could can have a little taste of my perspective and you know why not to get me an exotic pet because of them being to costly and they are dangerous.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states his/her opinion on the argument of owning an exotic pet, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and intended audience. (“ Have you ever wondered why your parents want you to have an exotic pet, I have and I thought of two reasons to support my backround knowledge two reasons why not to have an exotic pet. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail relating to the writer’s opinion. He/she touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but the essay does not contain enough details for the argument to stand on its own. (“First reason was that it takes a lot of work to take care of it and that it cost money a lot of it too here are some details. They cost way to much because you have to buy it lots of different kinds of food, like a Serval you have to buy it some birds, reptiles, frogs, and large insects. ”)

The essay reveals a limited understanding of audience. Although the writer does attempt to address readers, the essay lacks persuasive language. (“ Now after reading this you could can have a little taste of my perspective and you know why not to get me an exotic pet because of them being to costly and they are dangerous. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details that argue for or against owning exotic animals as pets. The writer does attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The writer is limited in responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. He/she could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for opposing views. (“I know you are thinking it can teach me how to be responsible however it could be really dangerous and could hurt me or even could kill me.”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for special requirements for certain animals, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“ Thats going to cost you a fortune and then you have to pick up all of its trash. Then you have to buy it special habitats like an Iguana you have put it in a like box and you make it the right temperature or else it will die because most of the people that own an Iguana the Iguana dies within the first year. Its like haveing an extra person in your house and it can't pick up after its self. ”)

At least three topic sentences are needed to elaborate on the main argument of the essay. (“My Second reason is that most of the exotic pets can be pretty dangerous here are some details about it. They can be pretty dangerous like a Sloth it has super sharp claws they are so sharp they can cut a bone in half as if it was just a twig. Also the Tarantula can be pretty dangerous to because some of them could be posinessor could have some venom which could harm you. And some times Llamas can be pretty dangerous too because they are very stubburn and if you make them really stubburn they can chase you and kick you pretty hard.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an imaginary scenario. In this case, the writer imagines an injury caused by an exotic animal. (“‘ Scratch, ouch that hurts!’ Have you ever wondered why your parents want you to have an exotic pet, I have and I thought of two reasons to support my backround knowledge two reasons why not to have an exotic pet. The first reason is that they cost to much to take care of and that they are a lot of work. Second reason is that they can be really dangerous and could hurt your family. ”)

The writer uses some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. (“First reason was that it takes a lot of work to take care of it and that it cost money a lot of it too here are some details. They cost way to much because you have to buy it lots of different kinds of food, like a Serval you have to buy it some birds, reptiles, frogs, and large insects. Thats going to cost you a fortune and then you have to pick up all of its trash. Then you have to buy it special habitats like an Iguana you have put it in a like box and you make it the right temperature or else it will die because most of the people that own an Iguana the Iguana dies within the first year. Its like haveing an extra person in your house and it can't pick up after its self. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion of the essay attempts to convince the readers with a single-sentence summation of the writer’s arguments. (“Now after reading this you could can have a little taste of my perspective and you know why not to get me an exotic pet because of them being to costly and they are dangerous. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Have you ever wondered why your parents want you to have an exotic pet, I have and I thought of two reasons to support my backround knowledge two reasons why not to have an exotic pet. The first reason is that they cost to much to take care of and that they are a lot of work. Second reason is that they can be really dangerous and could hurt your family.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences throughout the essay. (“First reason was that it takes a lot of work to take care of it and that it cost money a lot of it too here are some details. They cost way to much because you have to buy it lots of different kinds of food, like a Serval you have to buy it some birds, reptiles, frogs, and large insects. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive. (“My Second reason is that most of the exotic pets can be pretty dangerous here are some details about it. They can be pretty dangerous like a Sloth it has super sharp claws they are so sharp they can cut a bone in half as if it was just a twig. Also the Tarantula can be pretty dangerous to because some of them could be posinessor could have some venom which could harm you. And some times Llamas can be pretty dangerous too because they are very stubburn and if you make them really stubburn they can chase you and kick you pretty hard. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Alpaca is an animal that had be trained for thousands years already, people in South America use them as transpotation, and cut their fur down to make clothing. Clothes made out of alpacas' fur are softer and last longer to use, which made them very popular around the world. They cut their fur once a year and each of alpaca can make up to about 300 dorlars. Adult alpacas can grow up to 90~100 cm high and 200 cm long, Males' weight can be up to 75 kg, femal can be 65 kg. In the old days, people also eat them when they out of other foods. So many reasons made they really valuebale. But, if we want to pet them, we won't try to make money out of it or eat it, so what are the reasons why they could be a good pet?

In conclution, alpacas are nice easy-going animals, they are easy to fed and do not take up a lot space, they look good and make you cool. I believe alpacas will become famous pets just like dogs, and I am going to get one, why don't you?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer makes a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument that alpacas make good pets . The essay reveals a minimal understanding of purpose and audience. Consequently, it c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer mistakenly focuses on the history of domesticated alpacas instead of presenting a strong position on purchasing one as an exotic pet. (“ Alpaca is an animal that had be trained for thousands years already, people in South America use them as transpotation, and cut their fur down to make clothing. Clothes made out of alpacas' fur are softer and last longer to use, which made them very popular around the world. They cut their fur once a year and each of alpaca can make up to about 300 dorlars. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ Adult alpacas can grow up to 90~100 cm high and 200 cm long, Males' weight can be up to 75 kg, femal can be 65 kg. In the old days, people also eat them when they out of other foods. So many reasons made they really valuebale. But, if we want to pet them, we won't try to make money out of it or eat it, so what are the reasons why they could be a good pet? ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support his/her thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ In conclution, alpacas are nice easy-going animals, they are easy to fed and do not take up a lot space, they look good and make you cool. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of purchasing an alpaca as an exotic pet. He/she lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

Because the writer’s response to the prompt is minimal, it does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Alpaca is an animal that had be trained for thousands years already, people in South America use them as transpotation, and cut their fur down to make clothing. Clothes made out of alpacas' fur are softer and last longer to use, which made them very popular around the world. They cut their fur once a year and each of alpaca can make up to about 300 dorlars. Adult alpacas can grow up to 90~100 cm high and 200 cm long, Males' weight can be up to 75 kg, femal can be 65 kg. In the old days, people also eat them when they out of other foods. So many reasons made they really valuebale. But, if we want to pet them, we won't try to make money out of it or eat it, so what are the reasons why they could be a good pet? ”)

There are minimal details that explain or illustrate the writer’s point of view. (“ So many reasons made they really valuebale. But, if we want to pet them, we won't try to make money out of it or eat it, so what are the reasons why they could be a good pet? ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details would result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position. The writer states that alpacas are easy to keep, but he/she fails to elaborate on the care required and/or expenses involved. (“ In conclution, alpacas are nice easy-going animals, they are easy to fed and do not take up a lot space, they look good and make you cool. I believe alpacas will become famous pets just like dogs, and I am going to get one, why don't you? ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Alpaca is an animal that had be trained for thousands years already, people in South America use them as transpotation, and cut their fur down to make clothing. Clothes made out of alpacas' fur are softer and last longer to use, which made them very popular around the world. ”)

The essay does not include supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, there are few transitions between paragraphs or sentences. (“ Adult alpacas can grow up to 90~100 cm high and 200 cm long, Males' weight can be up to 75 kg, femal can be 65 kg. In the old days, people also eat them when they out of other foods. So many reasons made they really valuebale. But, if we want to pet them, we won't try to make money out of it or eat it, so what are the reasons why they could be a good pet? ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; instead, the writer presents his/her position on exotic pets for the first time. (“ In conclution, alpacas are nice easy-going animals, they are easy to fed and do not take up a lot space, they look good and make you cool. I believe alpacas will become famous pets just like dogs, and I am going to get one, why don't you? ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences. (“Adult alpacas can grow up to 90~100 cm high and 200 cm long, Males' weight can be up to 75 kg, femal can be 65 kg. ”)

The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively. (“In conclution, alpacas are nice easy-going animals, they are easy to fed and do not take up a lot space, they look good and make you cool.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ Alpaca is an animal that had be trained for thousands years already, people in South America use them as transpotation, and cut their fur down to make clothing. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I should have a exotic pet because when there on ground they travel with four lags for walking. When there 50 years they weigh 121 pounds. Do you know chimpanzes are apes. I think my mom wiil say no because they are hard to take care of. I will say we can plent trees and have a place for they and only them. And chimpanzes will not hurt us because there are do nice to eveyone. The other reson is that it wiil be easy for they to get food, we will gave they very good food so that is easy for they and there going to live a ling life with us that is why I went a chimpanzes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer makes almost no effort to state an opinion or persuade readers in any way. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. Although the writer states that he/she should have an exotic pet, he/she fails to identify the chosen animal or to persuade his/her parents to buy one. (“ I should have a exotic pet because when there on ground they travel with four lags for walking. When there 50 years they weigh 121 pounds. ”)

The writer fails to address the arguments mentioned in the prompt. The essay focuses on the dream of having a chimpanzee for a pet, but the writer does not consider the reality of caring for the animal. (“ And chimpanzes will not hurt us because there are do nice to eveyone. The other reson is that it wiil be easy for they to get food, we will gave they very good food so that is easy for they and there going to live a ling life with us ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by using appropriate language. The writer should be addressing the parents to convince them to purchase the exotic animal. (“ Do you know chimpanzes are apes. I think my mom wiil say no because they are hard to take care of. I will say we can plent trees and have a place for they and only them. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides inadequate content and development. He/she makes little attempt to use details for support. He/she does not consider the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

Since this one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas or body paragraphs present. (“I should have a exotic pet because when there on ground they travel with four lags for walking. When there 50 years they weigh 121 pounds. Do you know chimpanzes are apes. I think my mom wiil say no because they are hard to take care of. I will say we can plent trees and have a place for they and only them. And chimpanzes will not hurt us because there are do nice to eveyone. The other reson is that it wiil be easy for they to get food, we will gave they very good food so that is easy for they and there going to live a ling life with us that is why I went a chimpanzes. ”) Additionally, the essay does not include at least three main ideas for support.

The essay does not include details that support a stated opinion. The writer needs to provide specific reasons for owning an exotic pet. (“Do you know chimpanzes are apes. I think my mom wiil say no because they are hard to take care of. I will say we can plent trees and have a place for they and only them. ”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples for support. The writer makes general statements about chimpanzees without specific details about their required care. (“The other reson is that it wiil be easy for they to get food, we will gave they very good food so that is easy for they and there going to live a ling life with us that is why I went a chimpanzes. ”)

Organization

The thesis statement/controlling idea cannot be found at the end of the introduction. (“ I should have a exotic pet because when there on ground they travel with four lags for walking. ”)

The writer does not use transitions to illustrate connections between his/her ideas. (“ I will say we can plent trees and have a place for they and only them. And chimpanzes will not hurt us because there are do nice to eveyone. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about. (“The other reson is that it wiil be easy for they to get food, we will gave they very good food so that is easy for they and there going to live a ling life with us that is why I went a chimpanzes.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I should have a exotic pet because when there on ground they travel with four lags for walking. When there 50 years they weigh 121 pounds. ”)

The writing style is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate persuasive language, his/her voice is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“I think my mom wiil say no because they are hard to take care of. I will say we can plent trees and have a place for they and only them. ”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“And chimpanzes will not hurt us because there are do nice to eveyone. The other reson is that it wiil be easy for they to get food, we will gave they very good food so that is easy for they and there going to live a ling life with us that is why I went a chimpanzes. ”) The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words for effectively describing the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ The other reson is that it wiil be easy for they to get food, we will gave they very good food so that is easy for they and there going to live a ling life with us that is why I went a chimpanzes. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Differences between Athens and Sparta

The city-states of Athens and Sparta had different sets of values underlying their societies. Although they were both located in the Peloponnesian Peninsula and shared language and religion, each was characterized by differences in education, daily life, and government. Each city-state presented its citizens with benefits and challenges.

In a multi-paragraph essay, support your choice of Athens or Sparta as the city-state that provided the best life for its citizens. Include details on education, daily life, and government in your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It was more common for Athenians to make their clothing at home; however, their sandals and jewelry were usually made at the marketplace. Another popular item sold at the agora was slaves. Athens, like most other city-states, made their own coins to make trade easier. Athens and Sparta were two city-states that differed in sets of values and had a fundamental incompatibility. These two very different city-states have been rivalries since the beginning, yet they do share some similarities. In my opinion, Athens was the best place to live and had a better future for its citizens. Although they shared the same language and religion and were both located in the Peloponnesian Peninsula, Athens and Sparta were each characterized by their different beliefs in education, economy, and women and slaves. Both of these city-states' citizens were presented with challenges and benefits.

Education in Athens and Sparta had both key differences and similarities. In Athens, it was believed that a good citizen should have a healthy mind and body. Athens's democracy depended on good citizens, so making good citizens was the main goal of education. Because only boys were educated in Athens, education between boys and girls was very different. Boys and girls were taught physical and mental skills. Until boys were age six or seven, boys were taught at their own homes by their mother or a male slave. Boys ages six to fourteen went to school. They were taught many different skills and techniques like arithmetic, reading, writing, and literature. All of their lessons were memorized because books were rare and expensive. They were given tablets to write on to help them memorize their lessons. There was also a physical part of learning. There were coaches to teach them sports like wrestling and gymnastics. Another skill that they learned was to sing and play the lyre. Boys of age eighteen would then begin their military training. Girls, however, were educated very differently from boys. They did not learn how to read or write. They grew up helping their mothers in the house and were taught various different household skills such as how to cook, weave cloth, spin thread, and to clean. Some learned religious dances and songs that they performed at ceremonies. At about age fifteen, girls would get married. Girls that came from wealthy families had their fathers choose who they were to marry; however, girls from poorer families had more of a choice. Although I think that education in Athens was overall excellent, I have to frown upon the fact that girls were not taught to read and write.

Athens also had a great system of economy. Athens's economy was based on trade. Although the land around Athens did not produce enough food to trade, it was near the sea, and had a good harbor. Athenians traded with other city-states and with some foreign lands to get natural resources and other goods. They exported honey, olive oil, silver, and beautifully painted pottery. Athens imported wood from Italy and grain from Egypt. The Athenians bought and sold goods at a place called an agora. An agora is a marketplace in ancient Greece. An agora in ancient Greece is just like a street fair in Huntington Beach. Merchants sell goods on a kiosk. There, lettuce, onions, olive oil, wine, and other goods were bought. People also bought household items like pottery, furniture, and clay oil lamps. It was more common for Athenians to make their clothing at home; however, their sandals and jewelry were usually made at the marketplace. Another popular item sold at the agora was slaves. Athens, like most other city-states, made their own coins to make trade easier. There coins were made from various different metals like gold, silver, and bronze. On the front, it had a picture of the goddess Athena, and on the back, thee was a picture of the owl, her favorite bird. I think that the economy in Athens was very strong.

Because only men were considered citizens in Athens and women and slaves were not, they had far fewer rights than men. Women could not own or inherit property, nor could they attend or vote at the assembly. Most Athenian women could not even choose their own husbands. A very small amount of Athenian women had jobs, but some did get to sell goods at the marketplace. Few important women in Athens were priestesses. A priestess is a female priest. However, most women in Athens were the most greatly influenced at their own homes. They spent every day bringing up their children and keeping the house in order. Women had their own separate rooms in the house and were forbidden to go out alone. Her daily job was to spin thread, weave cloth, and watch over the slaves. She would also educate her sons until they were age six or seven, and educate her daughter until she was fifteen and ready to be married. Even the poor citizens of Athens owned at least one slave. There were a couple different ways that slaves became what they are. Some were born into slavery, while others were captured during the war. They performed a vast amount of duties that required much skill. Slaves tutored children and maintained the household, trained as craftsmen, worked in farms or factories, and some even had jobs in the city as clerks. The most unlucky slaves had to labor in the silver mines. They often had to work in cramped tunnels three hundred feet below the ground for ten hours a day. These slaves could hardly breathe in the tunnels and were whipped if they stopped to take a break. Though I disagree with some of the ways that women and slave were treated in Athens, I would rather live there than in Sparta any day.

Overall, I have concluded that Athens is a much better place to live than Sparta, especially because of its good education, strong economy, and good rights for its women and slaves. I believe that Athens had a very strong future for its citizens and a better way of living. I know that I would rather live in Athens. I believe that Athens was a very strong city-state that lasted a long time and has helped our present day society.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“It was more common for Athenians to make their clothing at home; however, their sandals and jewelry were usually made at the marketplace. Another popular item sold at the agora was slaves. Athens, like most other city-states, made their own coins to make trade easier. Athens and Sparta were two city-states that differed in sets of values and had a fundamental incompatibility. These two very different city-states have been rivalries since the beginning, yet they do share some similarities. In my opinion, Athens was the best place to live and had a better future for its citizens.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Athens also had a great system of economy. Athens's economy was based on trade. Although the land around Athens did not produce enough food to trade, it was near the sea, and had a good harbor. Athenians traded with other city-states and with some foreign lands to get natural resources and other goods.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Education in Athens and Sparta had both key differences and similarities. In Athens, it was believed that a good citizen should have a healthy mind and body. Athens's democracy depended on good citizens, so making good citizens was the main goal of education.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer effectively includes some specific examples that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Girls, however, were educated very differently from boys. They did not learn how to read or write. They grew up helping their mothers in the house and were taught various different household skills such as how to cook, weave cloth, spin thread, and to clean. Some learned religious dances and songs that they performed at ceremonies. At about age fifteen, girls would get married. Girls that came from wealthy families had their fathers choose who they were to marry; however, girls from poorer families had more of a choice. Although I think that education in Athens was overall excellent, I have to frown upon the fact that girls were not taught to read and write.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, and/or examples to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Merchants sell goods on a kiosk. There, lettuce, onions, olive oil, wine, and other goods were bought. People also bought household items like pottery, furniture, and clay oil lamps. It was more common for Athenians to make their clothing at home; however, their sandals and jewelry were usually made at the marketplace.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including vivid imagery. (“Although the land around Athens did not produce enough food to trade, it was near the sea, and had a good harbor. Athenians traded with other city-states and with some foreign lands to get natural resources and other goods. They exported honey, olive oil, silver, and beautifully painted pottery. Athens imported wood from Italy and grain from Egypt. The Athenians bought and sold goods at a place called an agora. An agora is a marketplace in ancient Greece. An agora in ancient Greece is just like a street fair in Huntington Beach.”) The writer successfully gives the readers a vivid scenario to imagine, as if they were in the same time period.

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“It was more common for Athenians to make their clothing at home; however, their sandals and jewelry were usually made at the marketplace. Another popular item sold at the agora was slaves. Athens, like most other city-states, made their own coins to make trade easier. Athens and Sparta were two city-states that differed in sets of values and had a fundamental incompatibility. These two very different city-states have been rivalries since the beginning, yet they do share some similarities. In my opinion, Athens was the best place to live and had a better future for its citizens.”)

The writer uses transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Overall, I have concluded that Athens is a much better place to live than Sparta, especially because of its good education, strong economy, and good rights for its women and slaves.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument. (“Overall, I have concluded that Athens is a much better place to live than Sparta, especially because of its good education, strong economy, and good rights for its women and slaves. I believe that Athens had a very strong future for its citizens and a better way of living. I know that I would rather live in Athens. I believe that Athens was a very strong city-state that lasted a long time and has helped our present day society.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Another popular item sold at the agora was slaves. Athens, like most other city-states, made their own coins to make trade easier. There coins were made from various different metals like gold, silver, and bronze.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Girls that came from wealthy families had their fathers choose who they were to marry; however, girls from poorer families had more of a choice.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Athens also had a great system of economy. Athens's economy was based on trade. Although the land around Athens did not produce enough food to trade, it was near the sea, and had a good harbor. Athenians traded with other city-states and with some foreign lands to get natural resources and other goods. They exported honey, olive oil, silver, and beautifully painted pottery. Athens imported wood from Italy and grain from Egypt. The Athenians bought and sold goods at a place called an agora. An agora is a marketplace in ancient Greece.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Women had their own separate rooms in the house and were forbidden to go out alone. Her daily job was to spin thread, weave cloth, and watch over the slaves. She would also educate her sons until they were age six or seven, and educate her daughter until she was fifteen and ready to be married.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Athens and Sparta were two very different rivals of each other in ancient Greece. Athens was a city-state located near the Aegean Sea. It had a large wall surrounding it. When living in Athens you could see ships on the Aegean sea. You could also see men talking about new laws and issues. Sparta was located on a plain that was often used for farming, there were solders marching through the streets. It had plain buildings and normal clothes on its people. Athens provided the best life for its people.

The first reason Athens was the best place to live is that it was a democracy with a fair government. Every ten days, men gathered on a hill to discuss laws. They had an hourglass filled with water. When the water ran out, it was the next man's turn to speak. Athens had an assembly and they had a council of five-hundred that discussed laws that were approved by the assembly. When it was time to make a decision, people were required to decide. Sparta had an unfair assembly where its people had no choice in laws and decisions. Sparta was an oligarchy. The Council of Elders held all the real power.

Another reason Athens was the best place to live was that they traded to get what they needed. When they traded, it would avoid wars, battles, and rebellions against them which over all would make it a more peaceful place to live. Athenians traded in the agora and amongst themselves. They often traded for weapons, coins, iron, and food. Spartans got what they needed by fighting and then conquering neighboring city-states. By fighting neighboring city-states, many wars and battles went on in Sparta. Spartans rarely traded but instead, forced slaves to farm.

Finally, Athens was the best place to live because boys got an academic education as well as fighting ability. Boys in Athens were taught arithmetic, wrestling, gymnastics, writing, and music. In Athens, they considered both academic education and fighting ability important. Spartan children were taught academic subjects, but they were not considered important. Boy soldiers would march without shoes and students did not get much food, they were told to steal if necessary. They expected women to be strong and ready to fight. When a baby did not appear to be healthy or strong, they were thrown onto hills to die.

So, Athens was the best place to live because, one, it had a fair government because it was a democracy. Boy's got an academic education as well as fighting ability and they thought both were equally important. Also, Athens was more peaceful than Sparta because they traded, preventing wars and battles. Athens provided the best life for its people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Another reason Athens was the best place to live was that they traded to get what they needed. When they traded, it would avoid wars, battles, and rebellions against them which over all would make it a more peaceful place to live. Athenians traded in the agora and amongst themselves. They often traded for weapons, coins, iron, and food. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Athens and Sparta were two very different rivals of each other in ancient Greece. Athens was a city-state located near the Aegean Sea. It had a large wall surrounding it. When living in Athens you could see ships on the Aegean sea. You could also see men talking about new laws and issues. Sparta was located on a plain that was often used for farming, there were solders marching through the streets. It had plain buildings and normal clothes on its people. Athens provided the best life for its people. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Finally, Athens was the best place to live because boys got an academic education as well as fighting ability. Boys in Athens were taught arithmetic, wrestling, gymnastics, writing, and music. In Athens, they considered both academic education and fighting ability important. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. He/she clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“In Athens, they considered both academic education and fighting ability important. Spartan children were taught academic subjects, but they were not considered important. Boy soldiers would march without shoes and students did not get much food, they were told to steal if necessary. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Finally, Athens was the best place to live because boys got an academic education as well as fighting ability. Boys in Athens were taught arithmetic, wrestling, gymnastics, writing, and music. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The first reason Athens was the best place to live is that it was a democracy with a fair government. Every ten days, men gathered on a hill to discuss laws. They had an hourglass filled with water. When the water ran out, it was the next man's turn to speak. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Athens and Sparta were two very different rivals of each other in ancient Greece. Athens was a city-state located near the Aegean Sea. It had a large wall surrounding it. When living in Athens you could see ships on the Aegean sea. You could also see men talking about new laws and issues. Sparta was located on a plain that was often used for farming, there were solders marching through the streets. It had plain buildings and normal clothes on its people. Athens provided the best life for its people. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Finally, Athens was the best place to live because boys got an academic education as well as fighting ability. Boys in Athens were taught arithmetic, wrestling, gymnastics, writing, and music. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument. (“So, Athens was the best place to live because, one, it had a fair government because it was a democracy. Boy's got an academic education as well as fighting ability and they thought both were equally important. Also, Athens was more peaceful than Sparta because they traded, preventing wars and battles. Athens provided the best life for its people. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Boys in Athens were taught arithmetic, wrestling, gymnastics, writing, and music. In Athens, they considered both academic education and fighting ability important. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or adds more details. (“Athens had an assembly and they had a council of five-hundred that discussed laws that were approved by the assembly. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Another reason Athens was the best place to live was that they traded to get what they needed. When they traded, it would avoid wars, battles, and rebellions against them which over all would make it a more peaceful place to live. Athenians traded in the agora and amongst themselves. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Athens and Sparta were two very different rivals of each other in ancient Greece. Athens was a city-state located near the Aegean Sea. It had a large wall surrounding it. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Sparta is a well developed, strong, central city. In my opinion, Sparta is a better place to live, mainly because women have more rights than Athenian women. Not only did Spartan women have more right, but they also had an opportunity for a better education, and they had a much stronger, more developed army and city.

The most important reason I would choose to live in Sparta over Athens is that women have way more rights than people living in Athens. Women in Sparta could own property or certain pieces of land. Another benefit of being a Spartan women was, if a man left his wife for the army, she could re-marry if he was gone too long or if he died. Wouldn't you hate living alone without any help around the house? In Athens, men were the only ones eligible for getting a decent education, but not in Sparta. In Sparta, women were able to opt for an education. Imagine going through life with little or no education? Finally, women got to compete in events like the olympics. Most women in Athens didn't get to look forward to special events.

Next, I would rather live in Sparta because it has a disciplined, well structured city. Most kids were taught to fight in the army at a very young age, so they were prepared to defend themselves against any common enemy. Most of Sparta depended on discipline, so almost every citizen was very well behaved and took care of business. If you disobeyed the Spatan laws, very harsh and brutal punishments were given. Since Sparta's citizens were well disciplined, they had a very rewarding life style.

Last, but not least, I would rather live in Sparta because it had a more protective city. In Athens, most citizens were forced to join the army, which cost citizens dearly. This showed Athenian leaders were so desperate, they had no choices. Wouldn't you hate being forced to join the army, along with a weak defenseless army? Sparta also had more soldiers than Athens did.

In conclusion, I think Sparta was a much better place to live rather than Athens. There are more rights for women, a better education and a more developed, stronger city. In Sparta, you might say it's fair for men to have more rights, but with women, you could have a better, stronger city, with a better army.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer satisfies many parts of the prompt task, establishes an opinion about the changing of school hours, and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Sparta is a well developed, strong, central city. In my opinion, Sparta is a better place to live, mainly because women have more rights than Athenian women.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Next, I would rather live in Sparta because it has a disciplined, well structured city. Most kids were taught to fight in the army at a very young age, so they were prepared to defend themselves against any common enemy. Most of Sparta depended on discipline, so almost every citizen was very well behaved and took care of business.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience, and he/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Women in Sparta could own property or certain pieces of land. Another benefit of being a Spartan women was, if a man left his wife for the army, she could re-marry if he was gone too long or if he died.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Most of Sparta depended on discipline, so almost every citizen was very well behaved and took care of business. If you disobeyed the Spatan laws, very harsh and brutal punishments were given. Since Sparta's citizens were well disciplined, they had a very rewarding life style.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The most important reason I would choose to live in Sparta over Athens is that women have way more rights than people living in Athens. Women in Sparta could own property or certain pieces of land. Another benefit of being a Spartan women was, if a man left his wife for the army, she could re-marry if he was gone too long or if he died.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Last, but not least, I would rather live in Sparta because it had a more protective city. In Athens, most citizens were forced to join the army, which cost citizens dearly. This showed Athenian leaders were so desperate, they had no choices. Wouldn't you hate being forced to join the army, along with a weak defenseless army? Sparta also had more soldiers than Athens did.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Sparta is a well developed, strong, central city. In my opinion, Sparta is a better place to live, mainly because women have more rights than Athenian women. Not only did Spartan women have more right, but they also had an opportunity for a better education, and they had a much stronger, more developed army and city.”)

The writer uses transitions that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Next, I would rather live in Sparta because it has a disciplined, well structured city. Most kids were taught to fight in the army at a very young age, so they were prepared to defend themselves against any common enemy.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“In conclusion, I think Sparta was a much better place to live rather than Athens. There are more rights for women, a better education and a more developed, stronger city. In Sparta, you might say it's fair for men to have more rights, but with women, you could have a better, stronger city, with a better army.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Women in Sparta could own property or certain pieces of land. Another benefit of being a Spartan women was, if a man left his wife for the army, she could re-marry if he was gone too long or if he died. Wouldn't you hate living alone without any help around the house?”)

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“In Athens, most citizens were forced to join the army, which cost citizens dearly. This showed Athenian leaders were so desperate, they had no choices.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Next, I would rather live in Sparta because it has a disciplined, well structured city. Most kids were taught to fight in the army at a very young age, so they were prepared to defend themselves against any common enemy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated . The essay contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“In conclusion, I think Sparta was a much better place to live rather than Athens. There are more rights for women, a better education and a more developed, stronger city.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I would rather live in Ancient Sparta rather than Ancient Athens because of these reasons. The economy is based on conquering other people and farming. Secondly, they had an oligarch. Lastly, education is more about strength.

The economy is based on conquering others and farming. They conquer other people and take their food and crops. They have a war to conquer other people. They don't rely on trade like the Athens do. They also rely on farming themselves.

Secondly, their government is an Oligarchy unlike the Athens. You could be voted into the council of elders. Yes, you do have to be sixty years old, but the government is still a good government. They had an assembly just like the Athens did. The Assembly was made up of only male citizens of Sparta.

They have strength for their education. They don't mentally learn, but they have strength for learning. They start training for strength when they are seven years old. Both boys and girls do strength training at seven years old. When men turn twenty years old they take a difficult test for fitness, military ability, and leadership skills. That is what I like about their education in Sparta.

Those ore my three reasons why I like ancient Sparta better than Ancient Athens. Number one, their economy is better I think. Secondly, I think that their government is better also. Lastly, Their way of education sounds more fun to me. I think Sparta is a better place to be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens, but he/she may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I would rather live in Ancient Sparta rather than Ancient Athens because of these reasons. The economy is based on conquering other people and farming. Secondly, they had an oligarch. Lastly, education is more about strength.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but he/she does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“The economy is based on conquering others and farming. They conquer other people and take their food and crops. They have a war to conquer other people. They don't rely on trade like the Athens do. They also rely on farming themselves. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“They have strength for their education. They don't mentally learn, but they have strength for learning.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against the city-state that provided the best life for its citizens. The writer does attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“They don't rely on trade like the Athens do. They also rely on farming themselves. ”)

The writer attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Secondly, their government is an Oligarchy unlike the Athens. You could be voted into the council of elders. Yes, you do have to be sixty years old, but the government is still a good government. They had an assembly just like the Athens did. The Assembly was made up of only male citizens of Sparta. ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal opinion of Sparta providing the best life for its citizens, it is not an effective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas about which city-state provided the best life for its citizens, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“Both boys and girls do strength training at seven years old. When men turn twenty years old they take a difficult test for fitness, military ability, and leadership skills. That is what I like about their education in Sparta.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates use of paragraphing, but he/she lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer attempts to explain why Sparta is the preferred city-state. (“I would rather live in Ancient Sparta rather than Ancient Athens because of these reasons. The economy is based on conquering other people and farming. Secondly, they had an oligarch. Lastly, education is more about strength.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“They have strength for their education. They don't mentally learn, but they have strength for learning. They start training for strength when they are seven years old. Both boys and girls do strength training at seven years old. When men turn twenty years old they take a difficult test for fitness, military ability, and leadership skills. That is what I like about their education in Sparta. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments. (“Those ore my three reasons why I like ancient Sparta better than Ancient Athens. Number one, their economy is better I think. Secondly, I think that their government is better also. Lastly, Their way of education sounds more fun to me. I think Sparta is a better place to be.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Secondly, their government is an Oligarchy unlike the Athens. You could be voted into the council of elders. Yes, you do have to be sixty years old, but the government is still a good government. They had an assembly just like the Athens did. The Assembly was made up of only male citizens of Sparta. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“The economy is based on conquering others and farming. They conquer other people and take their food and crops. They have a war to conquer other people. They don't rely on trade like the Athens do. They also rely on farming themselves. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “they.” (“They have strength for their education. They don't mentally learn, but they have strength for learning. They start training for strength when they are seven years old. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Those ore my three reasons why I like ancient Sparta better than Ancient Athens. Number one, their economy is better I think. Secondly, I think that their government is better also. Lastly, Their way of education sounds more fun to me. I think Sparta is a better place to be.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Sparta had one of the best city states in the world. It's main goal was to have a great military and to protect there people. They also had strong women to have strong babies. What made the babies stronger, was that at the age of seven they were trained by themselves for the army. They would go in the wilderness and be trained to stay alive and then fight in a war until the age of sixty. They were able to go back to there city and have a wife and kids. But when they did that they had to have people watch over there house, and there families while the men were at war. Since they made there kids train so early, they could protect there people better.

Another reason why Sparta was better than Athens was because Sparta had better written forms of law. This was important to there city states so that everybody wasn't running around everywhere. As for Athens, they were lost on there laws.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“Sparta had one of the best city states in the world.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“This was important to there city states so that everybody wasn't running around everywhere.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“Sparta had one of the best city states in the world. It's main goal was to have a great military and to protect there people. They also had strong women to have strong babies.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“They would go in the wilderness and be trained to stay alive and then fight in a war until the age of sixty. They were able to go back to there city and have a wife and kids. But when they did that they had to have people watch over there house, and there families while the men were at war.”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens. (“Another reason why Sparta was better than Athens was because Sparta had better written forms of law. This was important to there city states so that everybody wasn't running around everywhere. As for Athens, they were lost on there laws.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Sparta had one of the best city states in the world. It's main goal was to have a great military and to protect there people. They also had strong women to have strong babies. What made the babies stronger, was that at the age of seven they were trained by themselves for the army.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“They would go in the wilderness and be trained to stay alive and then fight in a war until the age of sixty. They were able to go back to there city and have a wife and kids.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. (“Another reason why Sparta was better than Athens was because Sparta had better written forms of law. This was important to there city states so that everybody wasn't running around everywhere. As for Athens, they were lost on there laws.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens. (“Sparta had one of the best city states in the world. It's main goal was to have a great military and to protect there people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject/verb agreement. (“They were able to go back to there city and have a wife and kids. But when they did that they had to have people watch over there house, and there families while the men were at war. Since they made there kids train so early, they could protect there people better.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

athens and sparta were city- states located on the greek peninsula. both city -states were powerful and shared shared the same culture and religion however each city state also had differences in their government. if i were to choose a city state to live i would choose sparta because sparta they have land you can own well the man are gone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens . (“ if i were to choose a city state to live i would choose sparta because sparta they have land you can own well the man are gone. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ both city -states were powerful and shared shared the same culture and religion however each city state also had differences in their government. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ athens and sparta were city- states located on the greek peninsula. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of which city-state provided the best life for its citizens. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“both city -states were powerful and shared shared the same culture and religion however each city state also had differences in their government. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“athens and sparta were city- states located on the greek peninsula. both city -states were powerful and shared shared the same culture and religion however each city state also had differences in their government. if i were to choose a city state to live i would choose sparta because sparta they have land you can own well the man are gone. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states a brief thesis. (“if i were to choose a city state to live i would choose sparta because sparta they have land you can own well the man are gone. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ both city -states were powerful and shared shared the same culture and religion however each city state also had differences in their government. ”)

The essay does not create effective, supporting paragraphs. (“athens and sparta were city- states located on the greek peninsula. both city -states were powerful and shared shared the same culture and religion however each city state also had differences in their government. if i were to choose a city state to live i would choose sparta because sparta they have land you can own well the man are gone.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. (“if i were to choose a city state to live i would choose sparta because sparta they have land you can own well the man are gone.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“if i were to choose a city state to live i would choose sparta because sparta they have land you can own well the man are gone. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“both city -states were powerful and shared shared the same culture and religion however each city state also had differences in their government. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“athens and sparta were city- states located on the greek peninsula. both city -states were powerful and shared shared the same culture and religion however each city state also had differences in their government. if i were to choose a city state to live i would choose sparta because sparta they have land you can own well the man are gone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Do Aliens Exist?

Read, view, and discuss different theories about the existence of aliens. Do you think that there is life on another planet? What evidence do you think proves that aliens may or may not exist?

In a multi-paragraph argumentative essay, argue for or against the existence of aliens. Remember to include and cite key details and facts from your sources that clearly elaborate on your argument and counterarguments.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever looked at the night sky and wondered, "What's out there? Are we really alone?" These questions have been speculated by people world wide ever since the discovery of space. The existence of aliens has long been debated and promoted in the media. Sightings, abductions, UFO crashes and missing people are reported every year, and countless people believe that these are signs of extraterrestrials contacting us. Even though there are plenty of hoaxes and other explanations for many of these incidents, I truly believe that aliens exist and that there is plenty of convincing scientific and nonscientific evidence of their existence.

First of all, from the video "Do Aliens Exist?", Dr. Edgar Mitchell, former Apollo 14 astronaut swears that we are not alone. From his trip to the moon, he says he learned a lot more about possible alien life than about the surface of the moon. Also, according to the same video, the incident in Roswell, New Mexico in July 1947, an explosion from a "flying disk" was covered up by the government as a "top secret weather balloon". Later, it was made known that bodies of space aliens were recovered from the site. Another piece of evidence is from the article "UFO Myths: A Special Investigation into Stephenville and Other Major Sightings" states three different sightings in Texas all on the same day. One witness says, "First, I saw a yellow-red orb the color of lava in a volcano. Then, instead of the red orbs, there were nine or 10 flashing lights maybe 3000 feet in the air, bouncing and very bright. They hovered there, strobing for 2 or 3 minutes, bright like German auto headlights. Then they shot off at blazing speed, like a school of fish, you know, when it's frightened." These pieces of evidence support the existence of aliens.

Even if sightings and witness reports are not convincing enough for some people, there is also the scientific viewpoint. As everyone knows, the universe is more than enormous; it's endless. According to the article "What are the odds there is life in space?", there are billions of galaxies in the universe, billions of stars in each galaxy, and some of those billions of stars have Earth like planets. Likewise, in the video "Why can't we see evidence of alien life?", there are possibly 15 million life harboring planets in our own galaxy. The same video also says that Earth did not form until about 9 billion years after the Big Bang, so there could be hundreds of other civilizations that started long before us and that could be millions of years ahead of us in technology. Last, according to the article "Six Frontiers for Alien Life", life thrives in extreme environments. "Life can adapt to really tough conditions and, of course, most of the universe is going to be filled with habitats that are tough," Shostak says. Clearly, these are scientific pieces of evidence that are convincing for alien life.

Opposing viewpoints argue several things about this topic. For example in the article "What are the odds there is life in outer space?" by William Harris, there is the Fermi Paradox. The Fermi Paradox asks, "If extraterrestrials are so common, why haven't they visited? Why haven't they communicated with us? Or, finally, why haven't they left behind some residue of their existence, such as heat or light or some other electromagnetic offal?" In the video "Why can't we see evidence of alien life?", it says that intelligent alien civilizations could have already found a more sophisticated way of energy, and don't use electromagnetic forces anymore. Or, they could be hiding in dark matter or dark energy. The video also brings up a theory that, "A single super intelligent civilization has taken over the galaxy and has imposed strict radio silence." Another idea from the video explains that, "Maybe intelligent life itself in order to reduce its footprint on the environment has turned itself microscopic, so the Solar system might be teeming with aliens, and we're just not noticing them." These ideas explain the reasons why we really haven't met them. They could be so advanced that their existence can't be detected by today's technology. This also explains why SETI hasn't received any confirmed signals from extraterrestrials.

The existence of aliens is obvious, and the world should be realizing this more and more with advancement in technology and research methods. However, whether you believe in alien life or not, the search for life outside of Earth is far from over. Years and years from now, we will continue to search for an answer. I strongly believe that there is already plenty of convincing evidence of alien life, such as sightings and scientific research, but the world can never know enough. As Chris Anderson said in the video "Why can't we see evidence of alien life?", "The more you know, the more amazing the world seems." In conclusion, I believe that we are certainly not alone in the universe.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Even though there are plenty of hoaxes and other explanations for many of these incidents, I truly believe that aliens exist and that there is plenty of convincing scientific and nonscientific evidence of their existence.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer begins with evidence from a video, which is predominantly anecdotal evidence. He/she then presents additional support by citing scientific evidence in the next paragraph. (“First of all, from the video ‘Do Aliens Exist?’, Dr. Edgar Mitchell, former Apollo 14 astronaut swears that we are not alone.” “Even if sightings and witness reports are not convincing enough for some people, there is also the scientific viewpoint. . . . According to the article ‘What are the odds there is life in space?’, there are billions of galaxies in the universe, billions of stars in each galaxy, and some of those billions of stars have Earth like planets.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. The writer uses language in the thesis statement that leaves no doubt about his/her position about the existence of aliens. The remainder of the essay contains persuasive/argumentative phrases and words to make the writer’s point. (“plenty of convincing scientific and nonscientific evidence” “according to the article” “scientific pieces of evidence that are convincing” “existence can't be detected by today's technology”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of the existence of aliens. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. The writer devotes an entire paragraph to the counterargument, in which he/she refers to evidence in another video to respond to questions presented by “nonbelievers.” (“Opposing viewpoints argue several things about this topic. . . . In the video ‘Why can't we see evidence of alien life?’, it says that intelligent alien civilizations could have already found a more sophisticated way of energy, and don't use electromagnetic forces anymore. . . . These ideas explain the reasons why we really haven't met them.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. These anecdotes are from one of the videos reviewed by the writer. (“First of all, from the video ‘Do Aliens Exist?’, Dr. Edgar Mitchell, former Apollo 14 astronaut swears that we are not alone. From his trip to the moon, he says he learned a lot more about possible alien life than about the surface of the moon.” “One witness says, ‘First, I saw a yellow-red orb the color of lava in a volcano.’”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“According to the article ‘What are the odds there is life in space?’, there are billions of galaxies in the universe, billions of stars in each galaxy, and some of those billions of stars have Earth like planets.” “Last, according to the article ‘Six Frontiers for Alien Life’, life thrives in extreme environments. ‘Life can adapt to really tough conditions and, of course, most of the universe is going to be filled with habitats that are tough,’ Shostak says.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The writer draws the readers into the issue by asking, “Have you ever looked at the night sky and wondered, ‘What's out there? Are we really alone’?”

The writer uses transitions such as “to start off,” “moving along,” “arguably,” and “in conclusion” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer uses the following transitions effectively: First of all, Later, Even if, Also, Then.

The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. The conclusion begins with a straightforward statement of the writer’s position. (“The existence of aliens is obvious, and the world should be realizing this more and more with advancement in technology and research methods.”) He/she ends with a statement for the readers to consider. (“As Chris Anderson said in the video ‘Why can't we see evidence of alien life?’, ‘The more you know, the more amazing the world seems.’ In conclusion, I believe that we are certainly not alone in the universe.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses words like “convincing,” “clearly,” “obviously,” and “scientific evidence.” The words/phrases “plenty” and “a lot” could be replaced by more descriptive and persuasive adjectives.

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“As everyone knows, the universe is more than enormous; it's endless.”) The writer also effectively incorporates quotes from different sources seamlessly. (“The video also brings up a theory that, ‘A single super intelligent civilization has taken over the galaxy and has imposed strict radio silence.’” “The Fermi Paradox asks, ‘If extraterrestrials are so common, why haven't they visited? Why haven't they communicated with us? Or, finally, why haven't they left behind some residue of their existence, such as heat or light or some other electromagnetic offal?’”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The writer’s sequential presentation of information in a factual manner, as opposed to an opinionative manner, sets the tone of the essay. (“Even if sightings and witness reports are not convincing enough for some people, there is also the scientific viewpoint. As everyone knows, the universe is more than enormous; it's endless. According to the article ‘What are the odds there is life in space?’, there are billions of galaxies in the universe, billions of stars in each galaxy, and some of those billions of stars have Earth like planets. Likewise, in the video ‘Why can't we see evidence of alien life?’, there are possibly 15 million life harboring planets in our own galaxy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“According to the article ‘What are the odds there is life in space?’, there are billions of galaxies in the universe, billions of stars in each galaxy, and some of those billions of stars have Earth like planets. Likewise, in the video ‘Why can't we see evidence of alien life?’, there are possibly 15 million life harboring planets in our own galaxy.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

We all wonder if we are the only ones out there, the only intelligent species. We may not be the only ones. What if there was life on other planets? What if aliens were walking among us? Well both of these questions are answered thanks to a dying scientist, scientific research, and even ancient history. Soon the mystery will be solved. Aliens are out there, and we will find them. I believe that aliens are real, and that they have helped humans in the past. They do not mean to harm us, but they have made contact.

The first big piece of evidence to the existence of aliens is an interview with a certified Area 51 scientist, Boyd Bushman, on the verge of death. In his last dying breath, he told all he knew. First he showed legitimate pictures of aliens and an autopsy report of the strange beings. Bushman tells of working with aliens, and even walking alongside them. Could this be a government cover up?

After sending rovers to Mars, scientists believe that Mars may have held life in the past, or still does. The first thing they found was water buried under Mars' surface. This has led scientists to the assumption that Mars sustained intelligent life in past times. Another thing scientists found came from a meteorite from the surface of Mars. The meteorite contained fossilized bacteria, which could have lived on Mars' surface a long time ago. Recently, scientists discovered high methane spikes on the Martian surface. Methane spikes are caused by bacterial organisms, meaning that those bacteria that scientists found survived for quite a while. So even though there is no intelligent life on Mars, there very well could have been in the past.

The final piece of evidence is written in history. Many archeologists have discovered ancient hieroglyphics depicting Egyptians interacting with alien life forms. Reports say that the aliens shown on the drawings are similar to the ones shown by Boyd Bushman in his video. Also, many people believe that aliens may have helped the ancient Egyptians build the Great Pyramids of Giza. It is quite hard to believe that the Egyptians moved those giant stones all by themselves. Before moving away from Egypt, I would like to point out a strange conspiracy. The coordinates of the third pyramid, known as the Great Pyramid of Khufu, directly match the numbers in the speed of light. Could this be the work of aliens?

Once again, I believe that aliens are real, and they are peaceful creatures who are willing to help humans when needed. From the pyramids, to scientific research, to even Mars, humans have already found aliens. I encourage you to be on the lookout for aliens, and do what you can to make sure everyone knows about them. Though we know they are real, more proof is needed to convince everyone. They will be found.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. The readers are presented with the question of whether or not humans are the only “intelligent species.” Introducing the issue with this question is more subtle and thought-provoking than asking the readers outright whether they believe in UFOs or aliens. (“We all wonder if we are the only ones out there, the only intelligent species. We may not be the only ones. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. The writer not only states his/her position on the existence of aliens but also asserts that aliens have helped humans and mean us no harm. (“Aliens are out there, and we will find them. I believe that aliens are real, and that they have helped humans in the past. They do not mean to harm us, but they have made contact. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The body of the essay discusses aliens contacting and helping humans, which is what the thesis proposes. (“Also, many people believe that aliens may have helped the ancient Egyptians build the Great Pyramids of Giza. It is quite hard to believe that the Egyptians moved those giant stones all by themselves. ”)

Content & Development

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well-balanced, and they explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer balances the reasons for his/her position by drawing on personal testimony from an Area 51 scientist, scientific proof of the possibility of existence of life on Mars, and finally with historical evidence. The details fully support each of the writer’s assertions. (“The first big piece of evidence to the existence of aliens is an interview with a certified Area 51 scientist, Boyd Bushman, on the verge of death. ” “ After sending rovers to Mars, scientists believe that Mars may have held life in the past, or still does.” “The final piece of evidence is written in history.” )

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“First he showed legitimate pictures of aliens and an autopsy report of the strange beings. ” “ The first thing they found was water buried under Mars' surface. This has led scientists to the assumption that Mars sustained intelligent life in past times. Another thing scientists found came from a meteorite from the surface of Mars. The meteorite contained fossilized bacteria, which could have lived on Mars' surface a long time ago. Recently, scientists discovered high methane spikes on the Martian surface.” “Many archeologists have discovered ancient hieroglyphics depicting Egyptians interacting with alien life forms. Reports say that the aliens shown on the drawings are similar to the ones shown by Boyd Bushman in his video.” )

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue, but it is done in only a very subtle manner. The essay could be improved with a paragraph devoted to the counterargument. (“Could this be a government cover up? ” “ So even though there is no intelligent life on Mars, there very well could have been in the past.” “Could this be the work of aliens?”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Aliens are out there, and we will find them. I believe that aliens are real, and that they have helped humans in the past. They do not mean to harm us, but they have made contact. ”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help the readers understand the issue. (“What if there was life on other planets? What if aliens were walking among us? Well both of these questions are answered thanks to a dying scientist, scientific research, and even ancient history. ”) Even though the mention of the “dying scientist, scientific research, and even ancient history” is enticing, the introduction could be improved with supporting information on those three reasons for the writer’s position.

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer uses effective transitions for the first and third body paragraphs: “The first big piece of evidence. . . . ” “ The final piece of evidence. . . .” Transitions within paragraphs are also very effective: “The first thing they found. . . .” “Another thing scientists found. . . .” “Recently, . . .”

The writer’s conclusion summarizes his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“I encourage you to be on the lookout for aliens, and do what you can to make sure everyone knows about them. ”) As in the introduction, the writer could have included additional support for his/her position in the summarizing final paragraph of the essay. The writer gives only a brief nod to the reasons for his/her position. (“ From the pyramids, to scientific research, to even Mars, humans have already found aliens.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. Words like “evidence,” “directly matches,” and “more proof” demonstrate a positive belief on the writer’s part. He/she refers to reports, evidence, and “legitimate pictures.”

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“The first big piece of evidence to the existence of aliens is an interview with a certified Area 51 scientist, Boyd Bushman, on the verge of death. ” “ Once again, I believe that aliens are real, and they are peaceful creatures who are willing to help humans when needed.” )

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. The writer has a succinct style and methodically presents his/her evidence. (“Recently, scientists discovered high methane spikes on the Martian surface. Methane spikes are caused by bacterial organisms, meaning that those bacteria that scientists found survived for quite a while. So even though there is no intelligent life on Mars, there very well could have been in the past. ”) The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Another thing scientists found came from a meteorite from the surface of Mars. The meteorite contained fossilized bacteria, which could have lived on Mars' surface a long time ago. Recently, scientists discovered high methane spikes on the Martian surface. Methane spikes are caused by bacterial organisms, meaning that those bacteria that scientists found survived for quite a while. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

We may not be alone. Aliens do probably exist. There are reasons that are far-fetched, some that are easy to believe. But the big question is, why haven't we seen them? If you think aliens are real, then you should not have any changed thoughts when you read the rest of this paper. If you do not believe in aliens, then you should be able to believe by the end of this paper. I believe that aliens exist because of the many planets that are habitable, many planetary systems, and the lots of water in the universe.

There are many planets that could Inhabit life. The Kepler planets are proven to have the right temperature, it has water and land, so it may be inhabited. There are at least 3 Kepler planets, so that also increases the chance of there being life as well. Since the Kepler planets are all bigger than earth, if the are populated, there will most likely be a bigger population than earth. The star that the Kepler-186 orbits, is cooler than the sun, at about noon on Kepler, it would be the temperature of sunset on earth. That being said, if life thrived on the planet of Kepler-186, they would have to be different then humans, for they would have to survive and thrive in colder temperatures. As the Kepler planets are colder, if they had seasons, the seasons would be different, or at least would have different average temperatures.

Lots of stars have planetary systems. That fact raises the probability of there being life on other planets. According to my research there are 477 multi-planetary systems, this information may be outdated. The more planetary systems there are, the bigger the chance of aliens existing. Many people believe that aliens could live on stars, but that would not be possible, unless of course, the myth of aliens having "supernatural powers" would have to be true, which could never be true because it is impossible for "superpowers" to be real. The myth of aliens have "superpowers" is not possibly true, because all beings are made of chemicals, and unless the chemicals make a paranormal reaction, "super powers" are fictional.

According to my research, there is a lot of water in the universe. Water is one of the key substances that are needed to survive. We do not know how much water is in the universe because we have not discovered how big the universe is. Some of the water may be on habitable planets, maybe even on inhabitable planets, or of course, in the air. And since water is one of the necessities, it is very important to having life on other planets. Of course, you could go a 45-70 days without food, of course, 3 minutes without breathing, and only three days without water. Water is the second most important necessity, but you still cannot survive without it.

So aliens are most likely real, If you do not think so, then look at the facts. Water is a necessity, aliens are impossible without planetary systems, and the planets have to be habitable. I know you might say "What about food and Oxygen?" Well the habitable planets would have to have oxygen, or else they wouldn't be habitable. Also, Aliens may be able to breathe other gasses. Food would also not be a problem. If there are alien humanoids there should be alien fish, and if there are alien fish, they would thrive in alien waters, so that is another factor. So, in conclusion, aliens are real.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about the existence of aliens and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. The thesis statement/writer's position also informs the readers of the reasons that the writer will concentrate on this in the essay. (“I believe that aliens exist because of the many planets that are habitable, many planetary systems, and the lots of water in the universe.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer devotes a paragraph to each of the reasons in the thesis/position statement. There are occasional superfluous details. (“Many people believe that aliens could live on stars, but that would not be possible, unless of course, the myth of aliens having ‘supernatural powers’ would have to be true, which could never be true because it is impossible for ‘superpowers’ to be real. The myth of aliens have ‘superpowers’ is not possibly true, because all beings are made of chemicals, and unless the chemicals make a paranormal reaction, ‘super powers’ are fictional.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. The writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“We do not know how much water is in the universe because we have not discovered how big the universe is.”) The writer uses the words “so” and “well” as transitions in a slightly less formal manner, but the overall language is appropriate and formal. (“So aliens are most likely real, If you do not think so, then look at the facts.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for the existence of aliens. Each body paragraph concentrates on a reason for the writer’s belief in aliens. (“There are many planets that could Inhabit life.” “Lots of stars have planetary systems. That fact raises the probability of there being life on other planets.” “According to my research, there is a lot of water in the universe. Water is one of the key substances that are needed to survive.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. Occasional details are not directly related to the writer’s argument. (“We do not know how much water is in the universe because we have not discovered how big the universe is.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. The writer includes the counterargument in the concluding paragraph, which would be more effective as a separate body paragraph. (“I know you might say ‘What about food and Oxygen?’ Well the habitable planets would have to have oxygen, or else they wouldn't be habitable. Also, Aliens may be able to breathe other gasses. Food would also not be a problem. If there are alien humanoids there should be alien fish, and if there are alien fish, they would thrive in alien waters, so that is another factor.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. The writer begins the essay with a short, simple sentence that adequately interests readers. (“We may not be alone.”)

The writer uses transitions, which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“That being said. . . .” “According to my research. . . .”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately summarizes his/her argument. Although the summary of the writer’s reasons for believing in aliens is limited to just one sentence, the reasons are included in the summary/concluding paragraph. The essay could be improved by creating a separate paragraph for the writer’s attention to the counterargument and by including additional details about his/her reasons for believing in aliens. (“Water is a necessity, aliens are impossible without planetary systems, and the planets have to be habitable.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Most sentences in the essay are compound or complex, which lends interest to the essay. (“There are at least 3 Kepler planets, so that also increases the chance of there being life as well. Since the Kepler planets are all bigger than earth, if the are populated, there will most likely be a bigger population than earth.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer uses scientific terminology and a serious tone. (“Many people believe that aliens could live on stars, but that would not be possible, unless of course, the myth of aliens having ‘supernatural powers’ would have to be true, which could never be true because it is impossible for ‘superpowers’ to be real. The myth of aliens have ‘superpowers’ is not possibly true, because all beings are made of chemicals, and unless the chemicals make a paranormal reaction, ‘super powers’ are fictional.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. The writer maintains a casual undertone, which adds voice to the essay. (“And since water is one of the necessities, it is very important to having life on other planets. Of course, you could go a 45-70 days without food, of course, 3 minutes without breathing, and only three days without water.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“ That being said, if life thrived on the planet of Kepler-186, they would have to be different then humans, for they would have to survive and thrive in colder temperatures. As the Kepler planets are colder, if they had seasons, the seasons would be different, or at least would have different average temperatures.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do you think aliens exist? I for one believe in them, I believe they are totally real. So are they real or just a myth? Even people like us have presented screenshots of flying saucers in the skostak claims that there are 1 trillion planets in the Milky Way alone. Also the sighting or possible UFO sighting, was an incredible event.

People have claimed that they have already visited us. They even proved it with pictures of flying saucers. they even presented debris from crash landings. But none of this incredible evidence convinces Shostak, not even a little.

From ''With so many stars, alien life is probable'', I cited that there are 1 trillion planets in the Milky Way alone. Could it be possible that one of them might have developed life. Maybe extraterrestrial life did developed. Some of Shostak's notes also include that the universe is home to a lot of stars. From ''Resource 5'', I cited that there could be a UFO sighting. James Huse made a report stating that he had seen two red orbs moving over his head. When James called his friends at the local airport they told him that they had seen nothing at all. That was shocking to him.

Though my opinion is that aliens do exist, others don't believe this at all. That's alright but this is what they say and the evidence that they state. They argue that if aliens were so real then why don't they communicate with us, or even give us a signal that they do exist that there are out there somewhere. They also have said that why haven't they left something behind to prove that they are real; any residue of their existence.

In conclusion, the evidence that I presented, gives me back up to argue that aliens do exist. The paragraph ''Some see evidence that aliens have visited'', I cited that they have been on earth, with the screenshots of flying saucers. Even the ''Possible UFO sighting'', can convince anyone that they're real. A trillion of planets in the Milky Way are alone, one of them must of developed life. I ask the question again, are aliens real or plain fake?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument on the existence of aliens, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer’s thesis statement is clear but repetitive, presenting very little information for readers. (“ I for one believe in them, I believe they are totally real. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. The writer touches on evidence to support his/her argument but does not provide enough details for readers to fully understand the point being made. (“From ‘With so many stars, alien life is probable’, I cited that there are 1 trillion planets in the Milky Way alone. Could it be possible that one of them might have developed life. Maybe extraterrestrial life did developed. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. The writer claims to “cite” evidence, but the readers remain uncertain as to the nature or details of the evidence. For example, “ From ‘Resource 5’, I cited that there could be a UFO sighting. James Huse made a report stating that he had seen two red orbs moving over his head. When James called his friends at the local airport they told him that they had seen nothing at all. That was shocking to him.” The readers infer that the “two red orbs” might be a UFO sighting, but the writer does not sufficiently connect the information from the local airport with the orbs to persuade the readers.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against the existence of aliens. The writer does attempt to address the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, but he/she does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. The writer does include a paragraph that addresses the counterargument, but he/she does not rebut the counterargument. Since the evidence supporting the counterargument is more specific and clearly written than the writer’s evidence, the readers are almost persuaded to agree with the counterargument. (“They argue that if aliens were so real then why don't they communicate with us, or even give us a signal that they do exist that there are out there somewhere. They also have said that why haven't they left something behind to prove that they are real; any residue of their existence. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for the existence of aliens, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. For example, the writer begins with a short body paragraph: “People have claimed that they have already visited us. They even proved it with pictures of flying saucers. they even presented debris from crash landings. But none of this incredible evidence convinces Shostak, not even a little.” The writer needs to include details on who presented these pictures of flying saucers, how the pictures were proven to be of flying saucers, what type of debris was retrieved from the crash landing site, and who Shostak is.

In the absence of a personal anecdote, the writer attempts to use anecdotal evidence of a UFO sighting by James Huse. However, the anecdote contains too few details to be understandable. (“ James Huse made a report stating that he had seen two red orbs moving over his head. When James called his friends at the local airport they told him that they had seen nothing at all. That was shocking to him.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer asks, “ Do you think aliens exist?” This question is followed by statements of supposed evidence supporting the existence of aliens, but the statements are poorly organized and confusing. (“ Even people like us have presented screenshots of flying saucers in the skostak claims that there are 1 trillion planets in the Milky Way alone. Also the sighting or possible UFO sighting, was an incredible event.”)

Transitions are not included within paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions. In the second body paragraph, the writer moves quickly from the number of planets in the Milky Way to Shostak’s notes indicating there are a lot of stars to a UFO sighting, using no transitions from one thought to the next. (“ From ‘With so many stars, alien life is probable’, I cited that there are 1 trillion planets in the Milky Way alone. Could it be possible that one of them might have developed life. Maybe extraterrestrial life did developed. Some of Shostak's notes also include that the universe is home to a lot of stars. From ‘Resource 5’, I cited that there could be a UFO sighting.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave the readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. Since there are so few details to support the writer’s evidence in the essay, the summary in the concluding paragraph is unconvincing. The readers are only left to think about whether “aliens are real or plain fake.” (“In conclusion, the evidence that I presented, gives me back up to argue that aliens do exist. The paragraph ‘Some see evidence that aliens have visited’, I cited that they have been on earth, with the screenshots of lying saucers. Even the ‘Possible UFO sighting', can convince anyone that they're real. A trillion of planets in the Milky Way are alone, one of them must of developed life. I ask the question again, are aliens real or plain fake?”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice. However, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. The writer uses the same phrases, minimally altered, as his/her evidence. (“screenshots of flying saucers ” “ UFO sighting” “1 trillion planets in the Milky Way alone” )

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the phrase “From ….” and “I cited that there are. . . .”

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. For example, the writer should edit the following sentence: “ Even people like us have presented screenshots of flying saucers in the skostak claims that there are 1 trillion planets in the Milky Way alone. ”

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Many people believe on life other than earth, some would even say they seen them but is it true? Well I'm a student and i believe in aliens. Dr.Edgar Mitchell also agrees in alien life.

In July 1947 in Roswell New Mexico A Mysterious flying object had crashed outside the city. The video clip " do aliens exist" states that the flying object was a U.F.O and minutes after the flying object had crashed people picked up some of the pieces, Also some people seen the dead alien bodies inside the U.F.O. This quotation proves aliens visit the earth. in conclusion, the government had made a cover up of the mysterious they said it was only a weather balloon but is it true?

Kepler is a space ship scientist used it to find more planets they had found 100 planets. The video clip "why can't we see alien life" states that there is 50 million life forming planets so there might be living organisms in those planets. This evidence suggest that there is a possibility of living organisms in other planets. in conclusion many people believe aliens had block signals for us to not find them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. The writer’s thesis statement is one short sentence: “ Well I'm a student and i believe in aliens.” The introductory paragraph does not include any background information aside from “Dr.Edgar Mitchell also agrees in alien life.” Since Dr. Mitchell is used as background information, the readers would expect to read why he “agrees in alien life.” However, Dr. Mitchell’s name does not appear again in the essay.

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. The writer repeats himself/herself in an essay that has very little supporting evidence. (“ The video clip ‘why can't we see alien life’ states that there is 50 million life forming planets so there might be living organisms in those planets. This evidence suggest that there is a possibility of living organisms in other planets. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. Due to the lack of details in the introductory paragraph, the readers do not know what the writer will present as evidence for his/her belief in aliens. The evidence that is presented is confusing and too sparse for the readers to understand exactly why the writer might “believe in aliens.”

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on the existence of aliens. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. The two short body paragraphs present information on the purported alien spaceship crash in 1947 in Roswell, New Mexico, and the large number of identified planets. However, the writer does little to connect this evidence with his/her beliefs. (“ Kepler is a space ship scientist used it to find more planets they had found 100 planets. The video clip ‘why can't we see alien life’ states that there is 50 million life forming planets so there might be living organisms in those planets. This evidence suggest that there is a possibility of living organisms in other planets.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. The writer presents as evidence the 1947 UFO crash and the existence of “life forming planets.” Neither of those pieces of evidence is explained with sufficient detail to argue the writer’s position. (“In July 1947 in Roswell New Mexico A Mysterious flying object had crashed outside the city. The video clip ‘ do aliens exist’ states that the flying object was a U.F.O and minutes after the flying object had crashed people picked up some of the pieces, Also some people seen the dead alien bodies inside the U.F.O. This quotation proves aliens visit the earth. in conclusion, the government had made a cover up of the mysterious they said it was only a weather balloon but is it true?”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer includes minimal details, and in some cases he/she fails to connect and explain evidence that is meant to be conclusive. (“ in conclusion, the government had made a cover up of the mysterious they said it was only a weather balloon but is it true? ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. Only one piece of background information is presented, and it is vague and never mentioned again. (“Many people believe on life other than earth, some would even say they seen them but is it true? Well I'm a student and i believe in aliens. Dr.Edgar Mitchell also agrees in alien life.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included within paragraphs or between sentences. The writer moves quickly from one piece of evidence to the next with no transition in the second body paragraph. It is not clear to the readers how the 100 planets found by Kepler relate to the 50 million life forming planets in the video clip. (“ Kepler is a space ship scientist used it to find more planets they had found 100 planets. The video clip ‘why can't we see alien life’ states that there is 50 million life forming planets so there might be living organisms in those planets. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. The conclusion is one sentence at the end of the second body paragraph, which introduces “block signals” not yet encountered in the essay. The readers are left wondering whether this sentence is intended as the conclusion of the essay or paragraph, or evidence that was inadvertently deleted from the essay. (“in conclusion many people believe aliens had block signals for us to not find them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. The writer’s persuasive language is limited to the words or phrases “proves,” “evidence suggest,” and “people believe.”

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Kepler is a space ship scientist used it to find more planets they had found 100 planets. ” )

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of the existence of aliens. Some semblance of voice is exhibited when the writer questions the weather balloon cover up. (“in conclusion, the government had made a cover up of the mysterious they said it was only a weather balloon but is it true?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ The video clip ‘ do aliens exist’ states that the flying object was a U.F.O and minutes after the flying object had crashed people picked up some of the pieces, Also some people seen the dead alien bodies inside the U.F.O. ” “ in conclusion, the government had made a cover up of the mysterious they said it was only a weather balloon but is it true?” )

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do aliens exist does anyone really now what is up there. There has been hoxes lies of sitings but I think there can be life up there. We have been lied to tricked mocked been called insane but who nows what can be up there. They might be up there they could be there and they can be watching. Trying to figure out a human form they can trying to figure out if there is life here. They can be in the same as us as curious as us now one has been able to be 100 percent sure. They can be hear on earth with plotting we dont now. We are trying to figure out what we are going to prove. I think there can be life on mars that is the closes we got and it can be livible. Yes we may be able to live on mars but first we need to figure out if there was any kind life up there.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer merely focuses on hoaxes and what aliens might be doing. (“ We have been lied to tricked mocked been called insane but who nows what can be up there. They might be up there they could be there and they can be watching. Trying to figure out a human form they can trying to figure out if there is life here. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ There has been hoxes lies of sitings but I think there can be life up there. We have been lied to tricked mocked been called insane but who nows what can be up there. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. There is no separate introductory paragraph. In the second sentence, the readers get an idea of the writer’s position, but there is no evidence or additional background information to clarify this position. (“ There has been hoxes lies of sitings but I think there can be life up there. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of the existence of aliens. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. At the end of the essay, the writer provides a hint of evidence with the mention of the possibility of life on Mars. (“I think there can be life on mars that is the closes we got and it can be livible. Yes we may be able to live on mars but first we need to figure out if there was any kind life up there. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as supports for the argument. The writer spends more time discussing what aliens might be doing than providing evidence of his/her position on the existence of aliens. (“They might be up there they could be there and they can be watching. Trying to figure out a human form they can trying to figure out if there is life here. They can be in the same as us as curious as us now one has been able to be 100 percent sure. They can be hear on earth with plotting we dont now. We are trying to figure out what we are going to prove.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how “there can be life up there.” The writer mentions the possibility of life on Mars at the very end of the essay, but it is supposition not evidence. (“I think there can be life on mars that is the closes we got and it can be livible. Yes we may be able to live on mars but first we need to figure out if there was any kind life up there.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The introduction is one run-on sentence. (“ Do aliens exist does anyone really now what is up there. ”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. The entire essay is one paragraph, with no separation of thoughts or concepts. (“ Do aliens exist does anyone really now what is up there. There has been hoxes lies of sitings but I think there can be life up there. We have been lied to tricked mocked been called insane but who nows what can be up there. They might be up there they could be there and they can be watching. Trying to figure out a human form they can trying to figure out if there is life here. They can be in the same as us as curious as us now one has been able to be 100 percent sure. They can be hear on earth with plotting we dont now. We are trying to figure out what we are going to prove. I think there can be life on mars that is the closes we got and it can be livible. Yes we may be able to live on mars but first we need to figure out if there was any kind life up there. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. There is one sentence between the concepts of what aliens are doing and whether there is life on Mars, and that sentence seems unrelated and not transitional. (“ They can be hear on earth with plotting we dont now. We are trying to figure out what we are going to prove. I think there can be life on mars that is the closes we got and it can be livible. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. There is essentially no conclusion. The last sentence does not function as a concluding sentence. (“ Yes we may be able to live on mars but first we need to figure out if there was any kind life up there.” )

Language Use & Style

The writer does not use descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“There has been hoxes lies of sitings but I think there can be life up there. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Sentences are frequently only two or more short run-on sentences. (“They might be up there they could be there and they can be watching. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. In fact, the writer seems to be attempting to decide on his/her own position. (“ We are trying to figure out what we are going to prove. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and chosen words are spelled correctly. (“ There has been hoxes lies of sitings but I think there can be life up there. We have been lied to tricked mocked been called insane but who nows what can be up there. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Do Pro Athletes Deserve High Salaries?

Many professional athletes and entertainers earn large sums of money. Do you agree or disagree with these individuals making high salaries? Use specific details and examples to convince others to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

There are many different entertainers in our society today. Some of our favorite entertainers may be actors/actresses, singers, comedians, celebrities in the modeling profession, etc. Celebrities and entertainers often try to appear in public in their best conditions. From exuberant layers of designer clothes to excessive shimmering jewelry, some entertainers seem to own an inordinate amount of just about everything. Sometimes, you don't even see them wearing the same clothes twice! The question is why do they get so much money to buy so many unnecessary trinkets? You may have noticed that entertainers usually earn an exorbitant amount of money for the production of one movie, act, or song, but do they really deserve so many zeros on their paychecks? The answer is that entertainers do not deserve a high salary because they use their money to do foolish, time consuming things and buy drugs that may possibly ruin their futures; others who have jobs that matter do not receive half as much money, and if they truly enjoy their jobs, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money.

Sometimes, we see on the news that another cherished celebrity made a consequential choice and did something foolish. Many times, the source of that foolish act is an illegal drug, and many times that drug is bought with the celebrity’s own money. This shows that some people (entertainers) are just not meant to be trusted with a lot of money. Also, it shows that with so much cash in their hands, they become ungrateful and begin to take everything for granted. They could throw a handful of bills on the streets and feel indifferent about it. Entertainers begin to realize that with so much money, they can buy almost anything, and they can "have a good time". This sets bad examples for fans and supporters who may assimilate their actions. They may even fall into a state of depression from the behavior of their most cherished celebrity. Entertainers are meant to make their fans laugh, not hurt them or themselves.

Concerning the necessities of life, do you ever wonder who keeps the water running in your house, or who turns the lights on in your room? Everything is managed by someone, whether it is a big job or a small one. When entertainers are paid more than the average person, it is basically little more than favoritism. People who have jobs that actually contribute to the society and the community do not get paid half as much! Some only work not because they want to, but because they desperately need it. Sure, entertainers work hard to earn their paychecks, but at the end of the day, who really does more for us? Our teachers, cashiers, waiters/waitressess, and others are invisible and worthless to the eyes of society when compared to an entertainer. This may be a reason why high salaries make celebrities and entertainers seem more superior.

On almost every magazine and advertisement, entertainers are constantly smiling and flashing their perfect white teeth. However, there is no way to know for sure if these brilliant smiles are genuine and sincere or not. Perhaps they are only laughing and smiling for their reputation and fame. If entertainers are truly passionate about their jobs and enjoy them, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money. If they are all about fame and money, they clearly and obviously do not deserve any salary, much less a pricey one. Their main goal should be putting smiles on other peoples' faces, not receiving an overabundance of money. After all, entertainers are supposed to entertain.

Overall, entertainers are talented and make many people dream or help create their dreams, but even with all this, they don't deserve high salaries no matter who they are and what they do. Of course, over the years, many entertainers have donated their own money to charities and important organizations, but this can be done by anyone, no matter how small or large the amount. But of course, if anyone were to have a high salary, they would turn out the same way as the typical entertainer. Money is often the source of ruin for many people. If not ruined by it, it will certainly and undoubtedly put you in a tangled and labyrinthine situation, and because money is so often mistaken as a source of power, people are deluded into thinking that they can do and be anything with it; but the fact is that when they reach this point, they no longer own their money but become slaves to it. So it's not the fault of the entertainers for attaining drugs with their cash or purchasing too many clothes for any closet. It is also not the case for all entertainers.

In the end, many people and things are affected by the gargantuan amount of money made by celebrities. Some may feel insignificant and hidden. Others may feel as though they and those around them have been greatly disappointed with their pathetic lives. Others may gaze wistfully at a celebrity in an advertisement and wish that it was they who were in that position. There are many other reasons why any entertainer should not receive a high salary, but they mostly do not deserve high salaries because they use their money to do illegal things and "have a good time"; others who have jobs that contribute to their communities don't receive half as much money, and if entertainers truly enjoy their jobs, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money as compensation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with a question about the issue. Then, the writer answers the question by stating his/her own opinion. (“There are many different entertainers in our society today. Some of our favorite entertainers may be actors/actresses, singers, comedians, celebrities in the modeling profession, etc. Celebrities and entertainers often try to appear in public in their best conditions. From exuberant layers of designer clothes to excessive shimmering jewelry, some entertainers seem to own an inordinate amount of just about everything. Sometimes, you don't even see them wearing the same clothes twice! The question is why do they get so much money to buy so many unnecessary trinkets? You may have noticed that entertainers usually earn an exorbitant amount of money for the production of one movie, act, or song, but do they really deserve so many zeros on their paychecks? The answer is that entertainers do not deserve a high salary because they use their money to do foolish, time consuming things and buy drugs that may possibly ruin their futures; others who have jobs that matter do not receive half as much money, and if they truly enjoy their jobs, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that celebrities do not deserve high salaries because they do not spend their money in a responsible manner. (“Sometimes, we see on the news that another cherished celebrity made a consequential choice and did something foolish. Many times, the source of that foolish act is an illegal drug, and many times that drug is bought with the celebrity’s own money. This shows that some people (entertainers) are just not meant to be trusted with a lot of money. Also, it shows that with so much cash in their hands, they become ungrateful and begin to take everything for granted. They could throw a handful of bills on the streets and feel indifferent about it. Entertainers begin to realize that with so much money, they can buy almost anything, and they can ‘have a good time’. This sets bad examples for fans and supporters who may assimilate their actions. They may even fall into a state of depression from the behavior of their most cherished celebrity. Entertainers are meant to make their fans laugh, not hurt them or themselves.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“If entertainers are truly passionate about their jobs and enjoy them, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money. If they are all about fame and money, they clearly and obviously do not deserve any salary, much less a pricey one. Their main goal should be putting smiles on other peoples' faces, not receiving an overabundance of money. After all, entertainers are supposed to entertain.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of large salaries for professional athletes and entertainers . The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive because they include a challenge for the readers. The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate. (“Concerning the necessities of life, do you ever wonder who keeps the water running in your house, or who turns the lights on in your room? Everything is managed by someone, whether it is a big job or a small one. When entertainers are paid more than the average person, it is basically little more than favoritism. People who have jobs that actually contribute to the society and the community do not get paid half as much! Some only work not because they want to, but because they desperately need it. Sure, entertainers work hard to earn their paychecks, but at the end of the day, who really does more for us? Our teachers, cashiers, waiters/waitressess, and others are invisible and worthless to the eyes of society when compared to an entertainer. This may be a reason why high salaries make celebrities and entertainers seem more superior.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“On almost every magazine and advertisement, entertainers are constantly smiling and flashing their perfect white teeth. However, there is no way to know for sure if these brilliant smiles are genuine and sincere or not. Perhaps they are only laughing and smiling for their reputation and fame. If entertainers are truly passionate about their jobs and enjoy them, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money. If they are all about fame and money, they clearly and obviously do not deserve any salary, much less a pricey one. Their main goal should be putting smiles on other peoples' faces, not receiving an overabundance of money. After all, entertainers are supposed to entertain.”)

The writer also addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Overall, entertainers are talented and make many people dream or help create their dreams, but even with all this, they don't deserve high salaries no matter who they are and what they do. Of course, over the years, many entertainers have donated their own money to charities and important organizations, but this can be done by anyone, no matter how small or large the amount. But of course, if anyone were to have a high salary, they would turn out the same way as the typical entertainer. Money is often the source of ruin for many people. If not ruined by it, it will certainly and undoubtedly put you in a tangled and labyrinthine situation, and because money is so often mistaken as a source of power, people are deluded into thinking that they can do and be anything with it; but the fact is that when they reach this point, they no longer own their money but become slaves to it. So it's not the fault of the entertainers for attaining drugs with their cash or purchasing too many clothes for any closet. It is also not the case for all entertainers.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Paragraphs and transitional devices are used effectively to create a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction captures the readers’ attention by describing the excesses with which entertainers surround themselves. This idea leads to the argument that celebrities do not deserve to earn so much money. (“There are many different entertainers in our society today. Some of our favorite entertainers may be actors/actresses, singers, comedians, celebrities in the modeling profession, etc. Celebrities and entertainers often try to appear in public in their best conditions. From exuberant layers of designer clothes to excessive shimmering jewelry, some entertainers seem to own an inordinate amount of just about everything. Sometimes, you don't even see them wearing the same clothes twice! The question is why do they get so much money to buy so many unnecessary trinkets? You may have noticed that entertainers usually earn an exorbitant amount of money for the production of one movie, act, or song, but do they really deserve so many zeros on their paychecks? The answer is that entertainers do not deserve a high salary because they use their money to do foolish, time consuming things and buy drugs that may possibly ruin their futures; others who have jobs that matter do not receive half as much money, and if they truly enjoy their jobs, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “however,” “overall,” “of course,” and “in the end” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Overall, entertainers are talented and make many people dream or help create their dreams, but even with all this, they don't deserve high salaries no matter who they are and what they do. Of course, over the years, many entertainers have donated their own money to charities and important organizations, but this can be done by anyone, no matter how small or large the amount. But of course, if anyone were to have a high salary, they would turn out the same way as the typical entertainer. Money is often the source of ruin for many people. If not ruined by it, it will certainly and undoubtedly put you in a tangled and labyrinthine situation, and because money is so often mistaken as a source of power, people are deluded into thinking that they can do and be anything with it; but the fact is that when they reach this point, they no longer own their money but become slaves to it. So it's not the fault of the entertainers for attaining drugs with their cash or purchasing too many clothes for any closet. It is also not the case for all entertainers.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“In the end, many people and things are affected by the gargantuan amount of money made by celebrities. Some may feel insignificant and hidden. Others may feel as though they and those around them have been greatly disappointed with their pathetic lives. Others may gaze wistfully at a celebrity in an advertisement and wish that it was they who were in that position. There are many other reasons why any entertainer should not receive a high salary, but they mostly do not deserve high salaries because they use their money to do illegal things and ‘have a good time’; others who have jobs that contribute to their communities don't receive half as much money, and if entertainers truly enjoy their jobs, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money as compensation.”)

Language Use & Style

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Sometimes, we see on the news that another cherished celebrity made a consequential choice and did something foolish. Many times, the source of that foolish act is an illegal drug, and many times that drug is bought with the celebrity’s own money. This shows that some people (entertainers) are just not meant to be trusted with a lot of money. Also, it shows that with so much cash in their hands, they become ungrateful and begin to take everything for granted. They could throw a handful of bills on the streets and feel indifferent about it. Entertainers begin to realize that with so much money, they can buy almost anything, and they can ‘have a good time’. This sets bad examples for fans and supporters who may assimilate their actions. They may even fall into a state of depression from the behavior of their most cherished celebrity. Entertainers are meant to make their fans laugh, not hurt them or themselves.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by adding sentences with exclamations or questions or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Concerning the necessities of life, do you ever wonder who keeps the water running in your house, or who turns the lights on in your room? Everything is managed by someone, whether it is a big job or a small one. When entertainers are paid more than the average person, it is basically little more than favoritism. People who have jobs that actually contribute to the society and the community do not get paid half as much! Some only work not because they want to, but because they desperately need it. Sure, entertainers work hard to earn their paychecks, but at the end of the day, who really does more for us? Our teachers, cashiers, waiters/waitressess, and others are invisible and worthless to the eyes of society when compared to an entertainer. This may be a reason why high salaries make celebrities and entertainers seem more superior.”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“On almost every magazine and advertisement, entertainers are constantly smiling and flashing their perfect white teeth. However, there is no way to know for sure if these brilliant smiles are genuine and sincere or not. Perhaps they are only laughing and smiling for their reputation and fame. If entertainers are truly passionate about their jobs and enjoy them, they should be content with any reasonable amount of money. If they are all about fame and money, they clearly and obviously do not deserve any salary, much less a pricey one. Their main goal should be putting smiles on other peoples' faces, not receiving an overabundance of money. After all, entertainers are supposed to entertain.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“There are many different entertainers in our society today. Some of our favorite entertainers may be actors/actresses, singers, comedians, celebrities in the modeling profession, etc. Celebrities and entertainers often try to appear in public in their best conditions. From exuberant layers of designer clothes to excessive shimmering jewelry, some entertainers seem to own an inordinate amount of just about everything. Sometimes, you don't even see them wearing the same clothes twice!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It has recently been brought to my attention that we are debating if we should pay athletes and entertainer large amounts of money. In my opinion, they should be paid large amounts of money. I have four important reasons on why they should get paid more. They should be paid more because they are risking being judged and mocked in front of thousands of people in the world. Not only are we judging them on stuff we don't like, but also they are taking the time to memorize scripts and go and practice, sometimes get hurt to entertain us. My third big reason is because we can't forget about how they have to try out and be turned down. Not many people would be able to do that. My final big reason why they should be paid more is because they are famous and have no privacy, so give them more money to give up their lives for us.

First, we should pay athletes and entertainer larger amounts of money because these people are being judged by thousands of people every time they go on T.V. Every time they do anything we see on T.V we try to judge them and make them feel guilty. I mean if you knew that people where watching you and judging you on every little mistake you made would you still stay out there and do it? I know I would probably stop doing it after being judged time and time again. These people are always being judged no matter where they go so let's pay them for all the criticism we give them and all the bad treatment. I mean sometimes when they get criticized it really hurts them and they just take it and keep doing what they are doing for our entertainment so give them more money!

Second of all, they go through all this hard work to get prepared for what they are about to do. I mean look at the actors that have to memorize line after line for one show they will probably never do again. Or athletes- they practice day after day and sometimes even get hurt just so they can put on a good game and entertain us. I mean they do all this work so they can keep us happy and now we are debating whether or not to give them more money. Give them the extra money they go through all this work for it. I bet half the people in this world don't work even half as hard as they do. As soon as you work as hard as they do on a daily basis then you can complain about how much they are getting paid compared to you but until that day comes, I say they get paid more than a normal person. They deserve it!

Then these people have the auditions or try outs to be doing what they are doing. They get ready to try out and not all of them make it. They are facing rejection on a daily basis from the directors. They don't give up though; all they do is put their head up and try again the next day. When you can face rejection day after day after day then I will listen to you complain about how their pay amount is unfair and they deserve less. I know for a fact that some people have never made it in that type of world but are still out there trying. Its people like that that keeps our entertainment going for us to watch. When you are done with your entertainment they can be paid less but tell them don't question their amount of pay!

After all these reasons, let's look at the biggest one. We invade their whole life! I mean we follow them around just to find sometime for a magazine to read; we twist their words and make them sound terrible. The three is where we take their picture and decide to make rude comments about it. Or let's not forget how we will only put them in the magazine if they did sometime bad because if they did sometime good well that doesn't matter. You see we invade their whole life and they have no privacy. Anything they do we know about it, anything they said we heard about it. It doesn't matter they have no privacy; if we are going to invade everything let’s at least pay them major money so they can at least have something to look forward to. Let's give them the money so when some crazy fan is attacking them they will have body guards to protect them. This is why we should pay them more money than normal.

I understand in some cases lowering their payment could be beneficial. If we lowered their payment then we would have more money in our Country which would never end badly. Or if we had more money in the country we could pay off china quicker. Or we could be stronger as a country and not have classes again. I fully understand every issue the people are having with these people being paid more but I still fully support giving them more money than normal though. Even if giving less could help they do a lot more than normal people in the world. So don't take away their rights!

This is why I do not think we should pay athletes and entertainer less money than what they are already getting. Mostly because of these big ideas, I mean we judge them every time we see them anywhere. They practice and practice to get hurt or judged and then they may not even get the part they were hoping for. Let's not forget how they don't really get any privacy whatsoever. So by paying these people more it will help me to see that you have to work hard to succeed in life and not give up. Keep paying these people more than others; they deserve it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer focuses the readers’ attention by beginning with a description of the issue in the prompt task. (“It has recently been brought to my attention that we are debating if we should pay athletes and entertainer large amounts of money. ”)

The thesis states what the writer believes about the issue. (“In my opinion, they should be paid large amounts of money. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I have four important reasons on why they should get paid more. They should be paid more because they are risking being judged and mocked in front of thousands of people in the world. Not only are we judging them on stuff we don't like, but also they are taking the time to memorize scripts and go and practice, sometimes get hurt to entertain us. My third big reason is because we can't forget about how they have to try out and be turned down. Not many people would be able to do that. My final big reason why they should be paid more is because they are famous and have no privacy, so give them more money to give up their lives for us. ”)

Content & Development

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations in the essay that effectively argue the stated position. (“First, we should pay athletes and entertainer larger amounts of money because these people are being judged by thousands of people every time they go on T.V. Every time they do anything we see on T.V we try to judge them and make them feel guilty. I mean if you knew that people where watching you and judging you on every little mistake you made would you still stay out there and do it? I know I would probably stop doing it after being judged time and time again. These people are always being judged no matter where they go so let's pay them for all the criticism we give them and all the bad treatment. I mean sometimes when they get criticized it really hurts them and they just take it and keep doing what they are doing for our entertainment so give them more money! ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Second of all, they go through all this hard work to get prepared for what they are about to do. I mean look at the actors that have to memorize line after line for one show they will probably never do again. Or athletes- they practice day after day and sometimes even get hurt just so they can put on a good game and entertain us. I mean they do all this work so they can keep us happy and now we are debating whether or not to give them more money. Give them the extra money they go through all this work for it. I bet half the people in this world don't work even half as hard as they do. As soon as you work as hard as they do on a daily basis then you can complain about how much they are getting paid compared to you but until that day comes, I say they get paid more than a normal person. They deserve it! ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“I understand in some cases lowering their payment could be beneficial. If we lowered their payment then we would have more money in our Country which would never end badly. Or if we had more money in the country we could pay off china quicker. Or we could be stronger as a country and not have classes again. I fully understand every issue the people are having with these people being paid more but I still fully support giving them more money than normal though. Even if giving less could help they do a lot more than normal people in the world. So don't take away their rights! ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer consistently uses paragraphs and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help the readers understand the issue and preview his/her main ideas. (“It has recently been brought to my attention that we are debating if we should pay athletes and entertainer large amounts of money. In my opinion, they should be paid large amounts of money. I have four important reasons on why they should get paid more. They should be paid more because they are risking being judged and mocked in front of thousands of people in the world. Not only are we judging them on stuff we don't like, but also they are taking the time to memorize scripts and go and practice, sometimes get hurt to entertain us. My third big reason is because we can't forget about how they have to try out and be turned down. Not many people would be able to do that. My final big reason why they should be paid more is because they are famous and have no privacy, so give them more money to give up their lives for us. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“After all these reasons, let's look at the biggest one. We invade their whole life! I mean we follow them around just to find sometime for a magazine to read; we twist their words and make them sound terrible. The three is where we take their picture and decide to make rude comments about it. Or let's not forget how we will only put them in the magazine if they did sometime bad because if they did sometime good well that doesn't matter. You see we invade their whole life and they have no privacy. Anything they do we know about it, anything they said we heard about it. It doesn't matter they have no privacy; if we are going to invade everything let’s at least pay them major money so they can at least have something to look forward to. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“This is why I do not think we should pay athletes and entertainer less money than what they are already getting. Mostly because of these big ideas, I mean we judge them every time we see them anywhere. They practice and practice to get hurt or judged and then they may not even get the part they were hoping for. Let's not forget how they don't really get any privacy whatsoever. So by paying these people more it will help me to see that you have to work hard to succeed in life and not give up. Keep paying these people more than others; they deserve it! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or semicolons when adding more details. (“Then these people have the auditions or try outs to be doing what they are doing. They get ready to try out and not all of them make it. They are facing rejection on a daily basis from the directors. They don't give up though; all they do is put their head up and try again the next day. When you can face rejection day after day after day then I will listen to you complain about how their pay amount is unfair and they deserve less. I know for a fact that some people have never made it in that type of world but are still out there trying. Its people like that that keeps our entertainment going for us to watch. When you are done with your entertainment they can be paid less but tell them don't question their amount of pay! ”)

The writer uses language to effectively argue his/her position on the issue. (“You see we invade their whole life and they have no privacy. Anything they do we know about it, anything they said we heard about it. It doesn't matter they have no privacy; if we are going to invade everything let’s at least pay them major money so they can at least have something to look forward to. Let's give them the money so when some crazy fan is attacking them they will have body guards to protect them. This is why we should pay them more money than normal. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“First, we should pay athletes and entertainer larger amounts of money because these people are being judged by thousands of people every time they go on T.V. Every time they do anything we see on T.V we try to judge them and make them feel guilty. I mean if you knew that people where watching you and judging you on every little mistake you made would you still stay out there and do it? I know I would probably stop doing it after being judged time and time again. These people are always being judged no matter where they go so let's pay them for all the criticism we give them and all the bad treatment. I mean sometimes when they get criticized it really hurts them and they just take it and keep doing what they are doing for our entertainment so give them more money! ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is good control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“Let's not forget how they don't really get any privacy whatsoever. So by paying these people more it will help me to see that you have to work hard to succeed in life and not give up. Keep paying these people more than others; they deserve it! ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do you enjoy watching professional sports? If so, you probably have a favorite athlete who can play their sport very well. However, there is a question that has been lurking around for a while now; Are athletes paid too much for what they do? Athletes are being paid too much, because there are other important occupations to pay for other than sports. First, there are more important jobs to do, second, some players become too greedy, and third, if the college athletes are not being paid, why do the professionals do?

First, the athletes are being paid too much, because there are other occupations of importance that could be paid for. Some of these jobs might include doctors, police officers, teachers, etc. These jobs can be very important to our society; Sports would not help as much. This is important, because they would want to be paid a fair price for what they do.

Next, athletes pay is too high, because some players are or can become greedy. Players like Allen Iverson become greedy with money and would always want more. Some athletes would even quit, because their pay is so low. This is important, because of the more that athletes want, the less there is for more important purposes.

Lastly, athletes are being paid too much, because college athletes are not being paid and pros do. So, why are not college athletes being paid? Most professionals are paid for millions just a year, but the college players are not being paid at all. This is important, because it would be unfair for all their hard work they put in.

Some people would say that the pay for professional athletes is okay. This is because the pro athletes work very hard at what they do. Some players like Allen Iverson or Ray Allen in the NBA work very hard at basketball. This is meaningful, because if the players work hard and are good at what they do, they will be well worth for what they are paying for. However, they are being paid too much. This is because of playing a sport does not help anything about our society. People would want jobs that they can help keep it together. This is important, because having a good job and a meaningful job will mean that you can help others.

In summary, athletes are being paid too much for what they do, because there are other important jobs to do, they can be greedy and the college athletes are not being paid at all. I think we need to lower some of the higher professional athletes pay down about 10-15% for a start.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about the high salaries of professional athletes and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the prompt task as well as the intended audience and satisfies many parts of the task.

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. Explanations in each body paragraph support the writer’s reasons for believing that athletes make too much money. (“Athletes are being paid too much, because there are other important occupations to pay for other than sports. First, there are more important jobs to do, second, some players become too greedy, and third, if the college athletes are not being paid, why do the professionals do?”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Lastly, athletes are being paid too much, because college athletes are not being paid and pros do. So, why are not college athletes being paid? Most professionals are paid for millions just a year, but the college players are not being paid at all. This is important, because it would be unfair for all their hard work they put in.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she implies that athletes do not make meaningful contributions to society and, therefore, do not deserve high salaries. (“However, they are being paid too much. This is because of playing a sport does not help anything about our society. People would want jobs that they can help keep it together. This is important, because having a good job and a meaningful job will mean that you can help others.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for lower salaries for athlete entertainers. (“First, the athletes are being paid too much, because there are other occupations of importance that could be paid for. Some of these jobs might include doctors, police officers, teachers, etc. These jobs can be very important to our society; Sports would not help as much. This is important, because they would want to be paid a fair price for what they do.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Next, athletes pay is too high, because some players are or can become greedy. Players like Allen Iverson become greedy with money and would always want more. Some athletes would even quit, because their pay is so low. This is important, because of the more that athletes want, the less there is for more important purposes.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer should devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. (“Some people would say that the pay for professional athletes is okay. This is because the pro athletes work very hard at what they do. Some players like Allen Iverson or Ray Allen in the NBA work very hard at basketball. This is meaningful, because if the players work hard and are good at what they do, they will be well worth for what they are paying for. However, they are being paid too much. This is because of playing a sport does not help anything about our society. People would want jobs that they can help keep it together. This is important, because having a good job and a meaningful job will mean that you can help others.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Do you enjoy watching professional sports? If so, you probably have a favorite athlete who can play their sport very well. However, there is a question that has been lurking around for a while now; Are athletes paid too much for what they do? Athletes are being paid too much, because there are other important occupations to pay for other than sports. First, there are more important jobs to do, second, some players become too greedy, and third, if the college athletes are not being paid, why do the professionals do?”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “next,” and “lastly,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Lastly, athletes are being paid too much, because college athletes are not being paid and pros do. So, why are not college athletes being paid? Most professionals are paid for millions just a year, but the college players are not being paid at all. This is important, because it would be unfair for all their hard work they put in.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer's argument. (“In summary, athletes are being paid too much for what they do, because there are other important jobs to do, they can be greedy and the college athletes are not being paid at all. I think we need to lower some of the higher professional athletes pay down about 10-15% for a start.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate use of language, voice, and style. Appropriate language and word choices are used in the essay, along with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“First, the athletes are being paid too much, because there are other occupations of importance that could be paid for. Some of these jobs might include doctors, police officers, teachers, etc. These jobs can be very important to our society; Sports would not help as much. This is important, because they would want to be paid a fair price for what they do.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“Next, athletes pay is too high, because some players are or can become greedy. Players like Allen Iverson become greedy with money and would always want more. Some athletes would even quit, because their pay is so low. This is important, because of the more that athletes want, the less there is for more important purposes.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice when presenting arguments in the essay. (“Lastly, athletes are being paid too much, because college athletes are not being paid and pros do. So, why are not college athletes being paid? Most professionals are paid for millions just a year, but the college players are not being paid at all. This is important, because it would be unfair for all their hard work they put in.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“Some people would say that the pay for professional athletes is okay. This is because the pro athletes work very hard at what they do. Some players like Allen Iverson or Ray Allen in the NBA work very hard at basketball. This is meaningful, because if the players work hard and are good at what they do, they will be well worth for what they are paying for.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do you agree that Pro-Athletes and entertainers deserve a high salary?

I agree that Pro-Athletes and entertainers deserve a high salary. I think this because they work hard for their money. Pro-Athletes go out and practice every day then have a bunch of games to play. Pro-Athletes entertain us so they deserve a high salary.

Athletes have to practice their whole life to join NFL, MLB, NHL, and all that. Athletes work from 6 year olds to middle school to high school to collage then finally pro ball. This was a little on why Pro-Athletes deserve a high salary.

Entertainer on the other hand also deserve a high salary. Entertainers can be people that sing, rap, act, and more. They entertain us better than Pro-Athletes. They should get the most money in my opinion. They waste alot of their time for the audience.

Actors make the most time. They have to go to acting school first. After that they start small then go to big movies. When they star in big movies they get alot of money Some actors star and make the movies. They get alot of money when when they do that but it takes alot of time.

Rappers get alot of money to though. They have to start from online to mix tapes then they record deals then they get there music on CD, s. They get alot of money because they have to make a beat, make their own lyrics, then they have to make it rhyme.

This is what I think about the higher salaries for Pro-Athletes and entertainers. I hope you all agree.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of whether or not professional athletes and entertainers deserve high salaries, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I agree that Pro-Athletes and entertainers deserve a high salary. I think this because they work hard for their money. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Entertainer on the other hand also deserve a high salary. Entertainers can be people that sing, rap, act, and more. They entertain us better than Pro-Athletes. They should get the most money in my opinion. They waste alot of their time for the audience. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against high salaries for athletes and entertainers. The writer does not attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments; furthermore, he/she does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay does not address the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“Athletes have to practice their whole life to join NFL, MLB, NHL, and all that. Athletes work from 6 year olds to middle school to high school to collage then finally pro ball. This was a little on why Pro-Athletes deserve a high salary. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas on how long it takes to become an actor, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position that they deserve high salaries. (“ Actors make the most time. They have to go to acting school first. After that they start small then go to big movies. When they star in big movies they get alot of money Some actors star and make the movies. They get alot of money when when they do that but it takes alot of time. ”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Rappers get alot of money to though. They have to start from online to mix tapes then they record deals then they get there music on CD, s. They get alot of money because they have to make a beat, make their own lyrics, then they have to make it rhyme. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates the use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay does not attempt to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact or question. In this case, the writer simply states his/her opinion. (“I agree that Pro-Athletes and entertainers deserve a high salary. I think this because they work hard for their money. Pro-Athletes go out and practice every day then have a bunch of games to play. Pro-Athletes entertain us so they deserve a high salary.”)

Effective transitions are not included between paragraphs and sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“Rappers get alot of money to though. They have to start from online to mix tapes then they record deals then they get there music on CD, s. They get alot of money because they have to make a beat, make their own lyrics, then they have to make it rhyme. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way but does not restate arguments, leave readers with something to think about, or tell readers what to do next. (“This is what I think about the higher salaries for Pro-Athletes and entertainers. I hope you all agree.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Athletes have to practice their whole life to join NFL, MLB, NHL, and all that. Athletes work from 6 year olds to middle school to high school to collage then finally pro ball. This was a little on why Pro-Athletes deserve a high salary. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “they.” (“They entertain us better than Pro-Athletes. They should get the most money in my opinion. They waste alot of their time for the audience. ”)

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Actors make the most time. They have to go to acting school first. After that they start small then go to big movies. When they star in big movies they get alot of money Some actors star and make the movies. They get alot of money when when they do that but it takes alot of time. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“ When they star in big movies they get alot of money Some actors star and make the movies. They get alot of money when when they do that but it takes alot of time. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I understand that professional athletes are getting paid high salaries for the playing football. I think that they shouldn't be paid that much just for playing football. We should just pay him a lower pay check because that is way to much for just one football player, also there are many more things you could do with that kind of money, that money could just help people who really need it and not some one who is already rich and take care of them selfs.

For someone to get paid that much money for one year is ridiculous. They should just donate that money to charity instead of giving it to someone that already has money. For someone that is already rich and famous for what they do and get that much money shouldn't get it because that is way too much money for just that person. They should just take some of the money and not all of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates a little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, consequently c ompleting few parts of the task.

The essay suggests a controlling idea, but it lacks a clearly defined position about the issue presented in the prompt task. (“ I understand that professional athletes are getting paid high salaries for the playing football. I think that they shouldn't be paid that much just for playing football. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ For someone to get paid that much money for one year is ridiculous. They should just donate that money to charity instead of giving it to someone that already has money. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. (“ For someone to get paid that much money for one year is ridiculous. They should just donate that money to charity instead of giving it to someone that already has money. For someone that is already rich and famous for what they do and get that much money shouldn't get it because that is way too much money for just that person. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on salaries for professional athletes and entertainers. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ We should just pay him a lower pay check because that is way to much for just one football player, also there are many more things you could do with that kind of money, that money could just help people who really need it and not some one who is already rich and take care of them selfs. ”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view that professional athletes make too much money. (“ For someone to get paid that much money for one year is ridiculous. They should just donate that money to charity instead of giving it to someone that already has money. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I understand that professional athletes are getting paid high salaries for the playing football. I think that they shouldn't be paid that much just for playing football. We should just pay him a lower pay check because that is way to much for just one football player, also there are many more things you could do with that kind of money, that money could just help people who really need it and not some one who is already rich and take care of them selfs. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ For someone to get paid that much money for one year is ridiculous. They should just donate that money to charity instead of giving it to someone that already has money. For someone that is already rich and famous for what they do and get that much money shouldn't get it because that is way too much money for just that person. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave the readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“ They should just take some of the money and not all of it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“We should just pay him a lower pay check because that is way to much for just one football player, also there are many more things you could do with that kind of money, that money could just help people who really need it and not some one who is already rich and take care of them selfs. ”)

The writer attempts to incorporate persuasive terms to convince the readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“For someone to get paid that much money for one year is ridiculous. They should just donate that money to charity instead of giving it to someone that already has money. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that explains his/her position on the argument of athletes deserving high salaries. (“For someone that is already rich and famous for what they do and get that much money shouldn't get it because that is way too much money for just that person. They should just take some of the money and not all of it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization and many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ For someone that is already rich and famous for what they do and get that much money shouldn't get it because that is way too much money for just that person. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Yes i agree with this because athletes work hard and train hard so they need sum of money when there playing a game or entertaining people they need the money to pay for there bills and food and family's. Next singer need to make music for people for hours of edieting to see if is right and seeing how they sing good or not. then they send it to the radio station then they see how they do if they approve. athlets shoud get a sum of a money and pay everything because they work out,play the gameand has fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ Yes i agree with this because athletes work hard and train hard so they need sum of money when there playing a game or entertaining people they need the money to pay for there bills and food and family's. ”)

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer merely focuses on the fact that athletes and entertainers work hard. (“ then they send it to the radio station then they see how they do if they approve. athlets shoud get a sum of a money and pay everything because they work out,play the gameand has fun. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ Next singer need to make music for people for hours of edieting to see if is right and seeing how they sing good or not. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of whether or not professional athletes and entertainers deserve high salaries. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The writer attempts to explain why a singer deserves a high salary, but the details provided do not support the stated opinion. (“Next singer need to make music for people for hours of edieting to see if is right and seeing how they sing good or not. then they send it to the radio station then they see how they do if they approve. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented as body paragraphs in the essay. Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“Yes i agree with this because athletes work hard and train hard so they need sum of money when there playing a game or entertaining people they need the money to pay for there bills and food and family's. Next singer need to make music for people for hours of edieting to see if is right and seeing how they sing good or not. then they send it to the radio station then they see how they do if they approve. athlets shoud get a sum of a money and pay everything because they work out,play the gameand has fun. ”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states that celebrities work hard and need a high salary in order to pay their bills. (“Yes i agree with this because athletes work hard and train hard so they need sum of money when there playing a game or entertaining people they need the money to pay for there bills and food and family's. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Yes i agree with this because athletes work hard and train hard so they need sum of money when there playing a game or entertaining people they need the money to pay for there bills and food and family's. ”)

The writer does not create effective, supporting paragraphs. (“ Next singer need to make music for people for hours of edieting to see if is right and seeing how they sing good or not. then they send it to the radio station then they see how they do if they approve. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or that leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ athlets shoud get a sum of a money and pay everything because they work out,play the gameand has fun. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“Yes i agree with this because athletes work hard and train hard so they need sum of money when there playing a game or entertaining people they need the money to pay for there bills and food and family's. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Next singer need to make music for people for hours of edieting to see if is right and seeing how they sing good or not. then they send it to the radio station then they see how they do if they approve. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates the writer's inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains errors that are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ Yes i agree with this because athletes work hard and train hard so they need sum of money when there playing a game or entertaining people they need the money to pay for there bills and food and family's. Next singer need to make music for people for hours of edieting to see if is right and seeing how they sing good or not. then they send it to the radio station then they see how they do if they approve. athlets shoud get a sum of a money and pay everything because they work out,play the gameand has fun. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Do You Want Fame?

Some people spend their entire lives seeking the rewards of fame and fortune. Others shy away from the spotlight due to the downsides of celebrity. If you had the opportunity, would you want to be famous? Why or why not?

Write a multi-paragraph essay taking a stand on whether or not fame is really advantageous.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I had the opportunity to become famous, I probably would turn it down unless it was because I was doing something I love, like writing for instance. Everyone wants to be famous, or at least most people, young kids especially. For example, I thought I wanted to be a famous singer when I was eight years old. Now I know that I am far from singer material. Most kids dream about fantasies that most likely won't ever happen. In a way, everyone wants to be special and unique. Of course, when you are a child, all you can think about is the good things in fame, or the advantages, but everything that has advantages, also has disadvantages, or drawbacks.

Although I myself would not want to be famous, I can see why someone would. There are many advantages that attract so many young children to fantasize about being famous. To begin with, when you're famous, you are the star. The one on top of everyone else around you. You're the winner, and everyone wants to be a winner in some way. Most children think that since stars are winners, they want to be a star. Secondly, people of all ages see advertisements of stars. Magazines, newspapers and billboards of movies with celebrities starring in it. They think, a star is a wonderful life. So much attention, so much love, and so much fun. Everyone craves attention whether they admit it or not, some by everybody, and some by very few people. Even children can see that all celebrities are loved by everyone and they decide they want to be loved by everyone also. They want to be on that billboard or they want people holding up posters of them in their room. Attention is what everyone wants. Thirdly, celebrities themselves receive advantages for being celebrities; police officers give stars slack on tickets and fees. Restaurants kick people out so the celebrity won't have to sign autographs while they're eating. People are especially nice to celebrities because they want to be just like them and have hopes that they can become the best of friends. Life is in ways easier for celebrities. No worrying about enough money for college. You always have friends, even if they're just hanging out with you because you're famous. Life is easier and everyone wants the easy way out in life as many times as possible.

What children don't see, though, are the drawbacks to being a celebrity. To begin with, you always have to be perfect. Never a mistake, you always have to worry about whether you look good in this bathing suit or at that movie premiere. It's exhausting and very, very difficult. Secondly, you never know who your true friends are. The person who you thought was your best friend suddenly betrayed you by telling everyone your deepest, darkest secrets. All of your friends are probably your friends only because of your money, or for your fame. They want to be like you. They want everyone to think that you are friends with this celebrity for all types of reasons. Thirdly, you can't have any privacy around you. Everyone follows you and you are never alone. Relationships fail because of this. For example: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and others. It is hard to maintain a relationship with anyone because of the lack of privacy. You also want privacy because you want to be alone sometimes. Or problems in your life are just not meant for everyone's ears. You don't want headlines about your late-night fight with your husband. Privacy is a gift. An advantage to being a normal human being. Celebrities envy us for it. Last of all, there's no time for celebrities to just hang out and relax. They're either filming a movie or recording a cd. For celebrities with children, there's no time to just go to the park and play with them. Or go to your son's baseball game or your daughter's field trip at school. Sure, stars can afford vacations, but they have to work hard for these advantages. It is not as easy as it seems to everyone. Believe it or not, there are a lot more disadvantages but I just handed out the basics.

Do you still want to be a star? If yes, then you have a lot of determination and courage and you know what you want. Being a celebrity takes a lot of bravery, and very rare people have it. That is why celebrities are so unique and so guarded. If you think you could make a change in the world with your skills, then you are meant to be a celebrity.

As you can see, I don't want to be a celebrity. Privacy is one thing that I enjoy and cherish and I wouldn't give it up for anything unless I love doing it. Even if I ever do become famous, with my wanting to or not, I would stay in an isolate part in the world where nobody can bother me so I can write peacefully.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion, position, or thesis statement to effectively persuade readers, d emonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“If I had the opportunity to become famous, I probably would turn it down unless it was because I was doing something I love, like writing for instance. Everyone wants to be famous, or at least most people, young kids especially. For example, I thought I wanted to be a famous singer when I was eight years old. Now I know that I am far from singer material. Most kids dream about fantasies that most likely won't ever happen. In a way, everyone wants to be special and unique. Of course, when you are a child, all you can think about is the good things in fame, or the advantages, but everything that has advantages, also has disadvantages, or drawbacks.”)

The writer’s thesis creatively states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Of course, when you're a child, all you can think about is the good things in fame, or the advantages, but everything that has advantages, also has disadvantages, or drawbacks.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the pitfalls of fame. (“ What children don't see, though, are the drawbacks to being a celebrity. To begin with, you always have to be perfect. Never a mistake, you always have to worry about whether you look good in this bathing suit or at that movie premiere. It's exhausting and very, very difficult. Secondly, you never know who your true friends are. The person who you thought was your best friend suddenly betrayed you by telling everyone your deepest, darkest secrets. All of your friends are probably your friends only because of your money, or for your fame. They want to be like you. They want everyone to think that you are friends with this celebrity for all types of reasons. Thirdly, you can't have any privacy around you. Everyone follows you and you are never alone. Relationships fail because of this. For example: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and others. It is hard to maintain a relationship with anyone because of the lack of privacy. You also want privacy because you want to be alone sometimes. Or problems in your life are just not meant for everyone's ears.”)

Content & Development

The essay is comprised of very effective content and development. Arguments are effectively developed, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. In addition, the writer convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion, like those who would want to be famous. The writer even addresses the positive side of fame. (“Although I myself would not want to be famous, I can see why someone would. There are many advantages that attract so many young children to fantasize about being famous. To begin with, when you're famous, you are the star. The one on top of everyone else around you. You're the winner, and everyone wants to be a winner in some way. Most children think that since stars are winners, they want to be a star. Secondly, people of all ages see advertisements of stars. Magazines, newspapers and billboards of movies with celebrities starring in it. They think, a star is a wonderful life. So much attention, so much love, and so much fun. Everyone craves attention whether they admit it or not, some by everybody, and some by very few people.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes. (“What children don't see, though, are the drawbacks to being a celebrity. To begin with, you always have to be perfect. Never a mistake, you always have to worry about whether you look good in this bathing suit or at that movie premiere. It's exhausting and very, very difficult. Secondly, you never know who your true friends are. The person who you thought was your best friend suddenly betrayed you by telling everyone your deepest, darkest secrets. All of your friends are probably your friends only because of your money, or for your fame. They want to be like you. They want everyone to think that you are friends with this celebrity for all types of reasons. Thirdly, you can't have any privacy around you. Everyone follows you and you are never alone. Relationships fail because of this. For example: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and others. It is hard to maintain a relationship with anyone because of the lack of privacy. You also want privacy because you want to be alone sometimes. Or problems in your life are just not meant for everyone's ears. You don't want headlines about your late-night fight with your husband. Privacy is a gift. An advantage to being a normal human being. Celebrities envy us for it.”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention, or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“Do you still want to be a star? If yes, then you have a lot of determination and courage and you know what you want. Being a celebrity takes a lot of bravery, and very rare people have it. That is why celebrities are so unique and so guarded. If you think you could make a change in the world with your skills, then you are meant to be a celebrity.”)

Organization

The essay shows very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“If I had the opportunity to become famous, I probably would turn it down unless it was because I was doing something I love, like writing for instance. Everyone wants to be famous, or at least most people, young kids especially. For example, I thought I wanted to be a famous singer when I was eight years old. Now I know that I am far from singer material. Most kids dream about fantasies that most likely won't ever happen. In a way, everyone wants to be special and unique. Of course, when you are a child, all you can think about is the good things in fame, or the advantages, but everything that has advantages, also has disadvantages, or drawbacks.”)

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Although I myself would not want to be famous, I can see why someone would. …As you can see, I don't want to be a celebrity.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“As you can see, I don't want to be a celebrity. Privacy is one thing that I enjoy and cherish and I wouldn't give it up for anything unless I love doing it. Even if I ever do become famous, with my wanting to or not, I would stay in an isolate part in the world where nobody can bother me so I can write peacefully.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style proves to be very effective. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also present.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Do you still want to be a star? If yes, then you have a lot of determination and courage and you know what you want. Being a celebrity takes a lot of bravery, and very rare people have it. That is why celebrities are so unique and so guarded. If you think you could make a change in the world with your skills, then you are meant to be a celebrity.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Do you still want to be a star? If yes, then you have a lot of determination and courage and you know what you want. Being a celebrity takes a lot of bravery, and very rare people have it. That is why celebrities are so unique and so guarded. If you think you could make a change in the world with your skills, then you are meant to be a celebrity.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ You're the winner, and everyone wants to be a winner in some way.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Although I myself would not want to be famous, I can see why someone would. There are many advantages that attract so many young children to fantasize about being famous. To begin with, when you're famous, you are the star.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people live their life always seeking fortune and fame. In my own opinion I would not want to live a life in fame, I would not want to be famous. Due to the downslides of celebrity life, this is why I would not want to be famous. One reason being you always has to be perfect 100% of the time. Another reason, being the overall lifestyle and all the money. Also because of the paparazzi and I would not want to forget about the people I care about and the normal things I do in my every day life. This is why I don't seek fame and fortune.

So the first reason why I would not want to be famous is because you have to be perfect 100% of the time. I dislike it when you have to pretend you are someone you are not, just to please the media most of the time. I would want to live my own life with my own choices. I believe you are who you are and nothing else. I see people on television and they seem so perfect and that they live such a happy life but I think that everyone is not perfect. That their lives aren't as peaceful as they seem, but I would not want to experience anything I wouldn't be happy doing.

Another reason why I would not want to be famous is the overall lifestyle and all the money. Well of course to tell the truth who doesn't want money. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to be a wealthy person, but just not in that way. There are so many other things you can major in and make a large amount of money doing. For example you can became an engineer or something quite similar and make a lot of money. Of course if I had a large amount of money I would certainly donate to charities and other organizations. I would like to give them money that I am happily earning. Also that would be a lot of money that you would have to put in the bank and put in to a CD if you made the choice to do that.

My last reason why I would not want to be famous is because of all the paparazzi and also forgetting about the people I care about the most. I am such a shy person that being in the spotlight and all the paparazzi is just not my thing. I would not want someone following me around with a camera everywhere I go just to take my picture. Even though that is their job as a paparazzi I would not want to have that. That would be crazy, I think. I would also not want this because I would not want to forget about the people that I care about the most in my life. Even though they will always be there for me and stuff you can grow apart from others and I wouldn't want that a single bit.

I understand that there are people that may disagree with me on my choice about this topic. They have every right to disagree with me because everyone has their own opinion and if you want to be famous than go right ahead. I understand that there are people that have their dream of becoming famous in their life and that they want the celebrity lifestyle but I am just reassuring you (the reader) why I wouldn't want to be famous. I'm not trying to change your mind about your choice, but I am just trying to fill you in on a little bit more information about this topic.

Do you want fame? Well unfortunately that was the question. I would not want fame! Not because I don't want the money and the public attention but because I am who I am. I see myself as a more conservative person and more to myself and this is why I would not want to be famous. I like who I am now and would not want to change!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This model essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear opinion, position, or thesis statement to persuade readers and d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. Most parts of the task are completed.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“ Many people live their life always seeking fortune and fame. In my own opinion I would not want to live a life in fame, I would not want to be famous. Due to the downslides of celebrity life, this is why I would not want to be famous. One reason being you always has to be perfect 100% of the time. Another reason, being the overall lifestyle and all the money. Also because of the paparazzi and I would not want to forget about the people I care about and the normal things I do in my every day life. This is why I don't seek fame and fortune.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ So the first reason why I would not want to be famous is because you have to be perfect 100% of the time. …Another reason why I would not want to be famous is the overall lifestyle and all the money. …My last reason why I would not want to be famous is because of all the paparazzi and also forgetting about the people I care about the most.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ Many people live their life always seeking fortune and fame. In my own opinion I would not want to live a life in fame, I would not want to be famous. Due to the downslides of celebrity life, this is why I would not want to be famous. One reason being you always has to be perfect 100% of the time. Another reason, being the overall lifestyle and all the money. Also because of the paparazzi and I would not want to forget about the people I care about and the normal things I do in my every day life. This is why I don't seek fame and fortune.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of good content and development. Arguments are developed effectively using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. In addition, the essay clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ I understand that there are people that may disagree with me on my choice about this topic. They have every right to disagree with me because everyone has their own opinion and if you want to be famous than go right ahead. I understand that there are people that have their dream of becoming famous in their life and that they want the celebrity lifestyle but I am just reassuring you [the reader] why I wouldn't want to be famous. I'm not trying to change your mind about your choice, but I am just trying to fill you in on a little bit more information about this topic.”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention, or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“ Do you want fame? Well unfortunately that was the question. I would not want fame! Not because I don't want the money and the public attention but because I am who I am. I see myself as a more conservative person and more to myself and this is why I would not want to be famous. I like who I am now and would not want to change!”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ Another reason why I would not want to be famous is the overall lifestyle and all the money. Well of course to tell the truth who doesn't want money. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to be a wealthy person, but just not in that way. There are so many other things you can major in and make a large amount of money doing. For example you can became an engineer or something quite similar and make a lot of money. Of course if I had a large amount of money I would certainly donate to charities and other organizations. I would like to give them money that I am happily earning. Also that would be a lot of money that you would have to put in the bank and put in to a CD if you made the choice to do that.”)

Organization

Good organization is found in this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“ Many people live their life always seeking fortune and fame. In my own opinion I would not want to live a life in fame, I would not want to be famous. Due to the downslides of celebrity life, this is why I would not want to be famous. One reason being you always has to be perfect 100% of the time. Another reason, being the overall lifestyle and all the money. Also because of the paparazzi and I would not want to forget about the people I care about and the normal things I do in my every day life. This is why I don't seek fame and fortune.”)

The writer includes transitions between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ Another reason why I would not want to be famous is the overall lifestyle and all the money. …My last reason why I would not want to be famous is because of all the paparazzi and also forgetting about the people I care about the most.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ Do you want fame? Well unfortunately that was the question. I would not want fame! Not because I don't want the money and the public attention but because I am who I am. I see myself as a more conservative person and more to myself and this is why I would not want to be famous. I like who I am now and would not want to change!”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is apparent. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well-structured with some variety.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“ So the first reason why I would not want to be famous is because you have to be perfect 100% of the time. I dislike it when you have to pretend you are someone you are not, just to please the media most of the time. I would want to live my own life with my own choices. I believe you are who you are and nothing else.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ Do you want fame? Well unfortunately that was the question. I would not want fame! Not because I don't want the money and the public attention but because I am who I am. I see myself as a more conservative person and more to myself and this is why I would not want to be famous. I like who I am now and would not want to change!”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“ I'm not trying to change your mind about your choice, but I am just trying to fill you in on a little bit more information about this topic.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is evident in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and any that are present do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ I understand that there are people that may disagree with me on my choice about this topic. They have every right to disagree with me because everyone has their own opinion and if you want to be famous than go right ahead.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I would want to become famous because of all the good stuff that might happen. I would have alot of money to buy stuff. I would also get to meet other famous people. Alot of people would say it isn't good to become famous because you would have no privacy but that's not what I think.

My first reason is that I would want to become famous because of all the fame. Everyone would mostly know who I am. If I’m in a store or restaurant they would want to say hi or get an autograph, maybe even take a picture. I would have my name in magazines and everything that would happen everyone would know. They would know me everywhere I go.

Another reason would be so that I could be wealthy. If I had all that money I would buy everyone I know something nice. I would also buy myself a mansion and some cars. Then I would buy my family a mansion too. I would also not have to worry of how many clothes I buy. I would get everything that I wanted and that I couldn't have gotten before.

Last because I would be able to meet people that I would never get to meet in a life time. I would get to meet bands like My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. I would be able to hang out with them and go to parties and stuff like. They would also probably teach me how to play the instruments that they play, like the drums, the bass, and the keyboards. And they could teach me new songs on the guitar. I would always want to hang out with them. It would be fun to do that.

Some people might want to stay away from fame though. They would say that it isn't something good because you get no privacy because of all the paparatzis. Maybe if you let them take one or two pictures of you then they'll go away. Something else they would say that fame is not something good because you will always get tired out from never getting enough rest. I would just say go to bed early if you have to wake up early and if your on the road take naps in the car. Also eat something in the morning so you wont get weak or take snacks where ever you are going that day. People should want to become famous because look at all the money you can make in about a day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay conveys adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion, position, or thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade readers . Furthermore, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ My first reason is that I would want to become famous because of all the fame. Everyone would mostly know who I am. If I’m in a store or restaurant they would want to say hi or get an autograph, maybe even take a picture. I would have my name in magazines and everything that would happen everyone would know. They would know me everywhere I go.”)

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ I would want to become famous because of all the good stuff that might happen. I would have alot of money to buy stuff. I would also get to meet other famous people. Alot of people would say it isn't good to become famous because you would have no privacy but that's not what I think.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples. (“ I would want to become famous because of all the good stuff that might happen. I would have alot of money to buy stuff. I would also get to meet other famous people. Alot of people would say it isn't good to become famous because you would have no privacy but that's not what I think.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. Additionally, the essay adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ Some people might want to stay away from fame though. They would say that it isn't something good because you get no privacy because of all the paparatzis. Maybe if you let them take one or two pictures of you then they'll go away. Something else they would say that fame is not something good because you will always get tired out from never getting enough rest. I would just say go to bed early if you have to wake up early and if your on the road take naps in the car. Also eat something in the morning so you wont get weak or take snacks where ever you are going that day. People should want to become famous because look at all the money you can make in about a day.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ Last because I would be able to meet people that I would never get to meet in a life time. I would get to meet bands like My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. I would be able to hang out with them and go to parties and stuff like. They would also probably teach me how to play the instruments that they play, like the drums, the bass, and the keyboards. And they could teach me new songs on the guitar. I would always want to hang out with them. It would be fun to do that.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ My first reason is that I would want to become famous because of all the fame. Everyone would mostly know who I am. If I’m in a store or restaurant they would want to say hi or get an autograph, maybe even take a picture. I would have my name in magazines and everything that would happen everyone would know. They would know me everywhere I go.”)

Organization

The essay is developed with adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“ I would want to become famous because of all the good stuff that might happen. I would have alot of money to buy stuff. I would also get to meet other famous people. Alot of people would say it isn't good to become famous because you would have no privacy but that's not what I think.”)

The writer includes some transition between paragraphs and between sentences. (“ My first reason is that I would want to become famous because of all the fame. …Another reason would be so that I could be wealthy.”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“ Last because I would be able to meet people that I would never get to meet in a life time. I would get to meet bands like My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. I would be able to hang out with them and go to parties and stuff like. They would also probably teach me how to play the instruments that they play, like the drums, the bass, and the keyboards. And they could teach me new songs on the guitar. I would always want to hang out with them. It would be fun to do that.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay provides adequate use of language and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Some people might want to stay away from fame though. They would say that it isn't something good because you get no privacy because of all the paparatzis. Maybe if you let them take one or two pictures of you then they'll go away. Something else they would say that fame is not something good because you will always get tired out from never getting enough rest.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ I would want to become famous because of all the good stuff that might happen. I would have alot of money to buy stuff. I would also get to meet other famous people. Alot of people would say it isn't good to become famous because you would have no privacy but that's not what I think.”)

There are a few exact or specific words related to the research. (“ My first reason is that I would want to become famous because of all the fame. Everyone would mostly know who I am. If I’m in a store or restaurant they would want to say hi or get an autograph, maybe even take a picture. I would have my name in magazines and everything that would happen everyone would know. They would know me everywhere I go.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is apparent throughout the essay. Although there are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Another reason would be so that I could be wealthy. If I had all that money I would buy everyone I know something nice. I would also buy myself a mansion and some cars. Then I would buy my family a mansion too. I would also not have to worry of how many clothes I buy. I would get everything that I wanted and that I couldn't have gotten before.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Would you like to have a lot of money and but what ever you want? Or in other words would you like to be famous. I would you like to be famous. If you are famous they name stuff after you. There is some down sides but other than that its cool to be famous. You get to have stuff for free. What's your opinion about being famous?

First of all being famous is the best. The reason I think its cool because you get privileges. What I mean by privilages is you get to buy stuff before it comes out. If you are in the back you get cut to the front. If you are buying something from someone who likes you they will give it to you for free or lower the price. If you do something really good or where a big hit they will name something after you which is cool.

Some people dont want to be famous. They think if your famous that they accuse you of doing something you dident do. It doesnt matter if your accused at least you and your family know its not true. It doesn't matter what they think they dont have any proof at all, also you can sue the person who acused you of doing something. I still think it cool being famous.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion, position, or thesis statement but may be unclear or underdeveloped. Overall, the essay demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using some inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“Would you like to have a lot of money and but what ever you want? Or in other words would you like to be famous. I would you like to be famous. If you are famous they name stuff after you. There is some down sides but other than that its cool to be famous. You get to have stuff for free. What's your opinion about being famous?”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear, convincing, or creative way. (“Would you like to have a lot of money and but what ever you want? Or in other words would you like to be famous. I would you like to be famous. If you are famous they name stuff after you. There is some down sides but other than that its cool to be famous. You get to have stuff for free. What's your opinion about being famous?”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“Would you like to have a lot of money and but what ever you want? Or in other words would you like to be famous. I would you like to be famous. If you are famous they name stuff after you. There is some down sides but other than that its cool to be famous. You get to have stuff for free. What's your opinion about being famous?”)

Content & Development

The essay shows evidence of limited content and development. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The writer also attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ Some people dont want to be famous. They think if your famous that they accuse you of doing something you dident do. It doesnt matter if your accused at least you and your family know its not true. It doesn't matter what they think they dont have any proof at all, also you can sue the person who acused you of doing something. I still think it cool being famous.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ Some people dont want to be famous. They think if your famous that they accuse you of doing something you dident do. It doesnt matter if your accused at least you and your family know its not true. It doesn't matter what they think they dont have any proof at all, also you can sue the person who acused you of doing something. I still think it cool being famous.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ First of all being famous is the best. The reason I think its cool because you get privileges. What I mean by privilages is you get to buy stuff before it comes out. If you are in the back you get cut to the front. If you are buying something from someone who likes you they will give it to you for free or lower the price. If you do something really good or where a big hit they will name something after you which is cool.”)

Organization

The essay consists of limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure, with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“Would you like to have a lot of money and but what ever you want? Or in other words would you like to be famous. I would you like to be famous. If you are famous they name stuff after you. There is some down sides but other than that its cool to be famous. You get to have stuff for free. What's your opinion about being famous?”)

The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. (“First of all being famous is the best. The reason I think its cool because you get privileges. What I mean by privilages is you get to buy stuff before it comes out. If you are in the back you get cut to the front. If you are buying something from someone who likes you they will give it to you for free or lower the price. If you do something really good or where a big hit they will name something after you which is cool.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Some people dont want to be famous. They think if your famous that they accuse you of doing something you dident do. It doesnt matter if your accused at least you and your family know its not true. It doesn't matter what they think they dont have any proof at all, also you can sue the person who acused you of doing something. I still think it cool being famous.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is limited at best. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank). (“ Would you like to have a lot of money and but what ever you want? Or in other words would you like to be famous. I would you like to be famous. If you are famous they name stuff after you. There is some down sides but other than that its cool to be famous. You get to have stuff for free. What's your opinion about being famous?”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“ I would you like to be famous. If you are famous they name stuff after you. …You get to have stuff for free.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“ Would you like to have a lot of money and but what ever you want? Or in other words would you like to be famous. I would you like to be famous. If you are famous they name stuff after you. There is some down sides but other than that its cool to be famous.”)

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“It doesn't matter what they think they dont have any proof at all, also you can sue the person who acused you of doing something.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, the writer should, but does not always, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Some people dont want to be famous. They think if your famous that they accuse you of doing something you dident do. It doesnt matter if your accused at least you and your family know its not true. It doesn't matter what they think they dont have any proof at all, also you can sue the person who acused you of doing something.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine being able to get about 25 hundred or more just for coming out on a cermercual. You could be ritch in no time, people will look up to you fans will love you. You could get some free suff. Yeh imagine that, that would be the life of a famous person. You would be able to help people who are less fortiotit people.

To begin with, some people spent a lifetime tring to become famous. I think being famous would be a geat opertunity to help myself and outher peopel. First you have alot of money to buy vitomans, creams, and be able to goto the gym. You could also help victoms of disasters. Some famous people get paid about 5,000 dollars to come out on the radio.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion, position, or thesis, and demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. I n turn, few parts of the task are completed.

The writer does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“Imagine being able to get about 25 hundred or more just for coming out on a cermercual. You could be ritch in no time, people will look up to you fans will love you. You could get some free suff. Yeh imagine that, that would be the life of a famous person. You would be able to help people who are less fortiotit people.”)

The writer demonstrates minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“Imagine being able to get about 25 hundred or more just for coming out on a cermercual. You could be ritch in no time, people will look up to you fans will love you. You could get some free suff. Yeh imagine that, that would be the life of a famous person. You would be able to help people who are less fortiotit people.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Imagine being able to get about 25 hundred or more just for coming out on a cermercual. You could be ritch in no time, people will look up to you fans will love you. You could get some free suff. Yeh imagine that, that would be the life of a famous person. You would be able to help people who are less fortiotit people.”)

Content & Development

The essay displays minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“To begin with, some people spent a lifetime tring to become famous. I think being famous would be a geat opertunity to help myself and outher peopel. First you have alot of money to buy vitomans, creams, and be able to goto the gym. You could also help victoms of disasters. Some famous people get paid about 5,000 dollars to come out on the radio.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“To begin with, some people spent a lifetime tring to become famous. I think being famous would be a geat opertunity to help myself and outher peopel. First you have alot of money to buy vitomans, creams, and be able to goto the gym. You could also help victoms of disasters. Some famous people get paid about 5,000 dollars to come out on the radio.”)

Minimal details explain and illustrate the evidence. (“To begin with, some people spent a lifetime tring to become famous. I think being famous would be a geat opertunity to help myself and outher peopel. First you have alot of money to buy vitomans, creams, and be able to goto the gym. You could also help victoms of disasters. Some famous people get paid about 5,000 dollars to come out on the radio.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Imagine being able to get about 25 hundred or more just for coming out on a cermercual. You could be ritch in no time, people will look up to you fans will love you. You could get some free suff. Yeh imagine that, that would be the life of a famous person. You would be able to help people who are less fortiotit people.”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“To begin with, some people spent a lifetime tring to become famous. I think being famous would be a geat opertunity to help myself and outher peopel. First you have alot of money to buy vitomans, creams, and be able to goto the gym. You could also help victoms of disasters. Some famous people get paid about 5,000 dollars to come out on the radio.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion, or any conclusion for that matter. (“To begin with, some people spent a lifetime tring to become famous. I think being famous would be a geat opertunity to help myself and outher peopel. First you have alot of money to buy vitomans, creams, and be able to goto the gym. You could also help victoms of disasters. Some famous people get paid about 5,000 dollars to come out on the radio.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is apparent throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. (“ You could be ritch in no time, people will look up to you fans will love you. You could get some free suff. Yeh imagine that, that would be the life of a famous person.”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“ You could get some free suff. …You could also help victoms of disasters.”)

There is a minimal variety of sentences in this essay. (“ You could be ritch in no time, people will look up to you fans will love you. You could get some free suff. Yeh imagine that, that would be the life of a famous person. You would be able to help people who are less fortiotit people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay provides minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal, academic writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“You could be ritch in no time, people will look up to you fans will love you. You could get some free suff. Yeh imagine that, that would be the life of a famous person.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The featured essay shows inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion, position, or thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. Few or no parts of the task are completed.

The writer does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

Content & Development

The essay is composed of inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“I think that if I had the opportunityto be famous I woud take the opprtunity.The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate use of language and style is prevalent throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay has repetition, as several consecutive sentences begin with “I will.” (“I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. (“The first reason is money.I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

Sentences are too short. (“The first reason is money.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay features inadequate or no control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I will like to get a lot of money for a lot of difrent reasons.I will also like to help my family with payments. I will also like a nice home and a nicecar evendo i cant relly drave.”)

Dr. John Snow and the Cholera Epidemic

Imagine you are Dr. John Snow, a medical doctor living in London in the mid 1800s. Your research on the cholera epidemic gripping London indicates that it is being caused by human waste in the water supply.

Write a letter to the Department of Health suggesting a plan of action for the elimination of cholera. Include facts and details to support your plan.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

October 29, 1855

London Health Department

313 Burdwick Street

London, England

To Whom It May Concern:

How will we fend off the dark shroud of death that is slowly descending over the great city of London? My name is John Snow, and I would like to bring some items concerning the recent outbreaks of cholera in London to your attention. There is no doubt in my mind that everyone in your department has been gravely concerned with the public's health amidst these numerous and serious outbreaks of cholera. Oftentimes healthy men and women are reduced to mere skeletons in a very short period of time. Cyanosis, sunken eyes, and pinched and cold skin are just some of the shocking descriptions that newspapers carry of cholera victims. Vomiting, dehydration, and liquefied stool are also a common occurrence in cholera. Based on extensive research I have conducted, I have theorized that cholera is spread through water contaminated by pieces of human fecal matter beyond the threshold of the human eye that are present in the water. I have yet to determine exactly how human fecal matter spreads cholera, but I believe I have sufficient evidence to make this claim. Please allow me to explain further.

As others might feel cholera is spreading through other methods, I feel if you hear what I have to say, you too will be convinced that this horrible epidemic is spreading through human waste. The facts that I will provide, will allow our community to “freshen” up and see the “cleaner” side of not drinking the water from two major water companies.

As I have stated above, I believe human fecal matter is related to the spread of cholera. As you may be aware, the two largest water companies currently serving London are the Lambeth Waterworks Company and the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company. Three years ago in 1852, Lambeth Waterworks Company moved its intake pipe from its location near the Hungerford Bridge in London upriver seven and one third leagues to a location near Seething Wells. This move was made so that London wastewater would not find its way into their intake pipe. However, Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company chose not to move its intake pipe from its current location a league or two upriver from where Lambeth Waterworks Company's intake pipe used to be. This allows more of London's wastewater to enter the intake pipe. I hypothesized that the contamination of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company's water by London's wastewater would have an effect on the number of people that contracted cholera from this water. Given that the waterwork companies refused to release any statistics whatsoever, I carefully conducted my own extensive research. I found that from the total number of houses with cholera-related deaths in London, the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company alone was responsible for 45.4% of those deaths, while the Lambeth Waterworks Company was only responsible for 3.5% of them. You can see the disparity between the two water companies' statistics. There was also an incident last year where an outbreak of cholera centralized around a certain well killed 616 people. I believe that this incident was started by a mother washing her baby's diaper in that well. As you can see, there is a very strong case for the idea that human fecal matter spreads cholera.

You have seen how rapidly cholera spreads, and it is imperative that you take immediate action to help contain it. The first action you should take is to temporarily shut down the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company and force them to relocate their water pipe upriver like the Lambeth Waterworks Company did. This will allow them to supply cleaner water in the future, keeping the general public safer. In the interim, the Lambeth Waterworks Company would supply water for the customers of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company. Furthermore, you should notify the people of London that cholera is spread through contaminated water and that they should go to great lengths to not drink water supplied by Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company until further notice is given. This will help slow the spread of cholera.

I hope I have succeeded in persuading you that cholera is spread through human fecal matter present in the water we consume. I strongly believe the statistics I have compiled clearly show that contamination of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company's drinking water by human feces has aided the spread of cholera. It is my greatest hope that you will take immediate action to prevent any more people from succumbing to the cold embrace of death. If you act quickly, many innocent lives can be saved from this scourge.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This persuasive essay conveys very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the readers. Furthermore, t he writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. (“To Whom It May Concern: How will we fend off the dark shroud of death that is slowly descending over the great city of London? My name is John Snow, and I would like to bring some items concerning the recent outbreaks of cholera in London to your attention. There is no doubt in my mind that everyone in your department has been gravely concerned with the public's health amidst these numerous and serious outbreaks of cholera. Oftentimes healthy men and women are reduced to mere skeletons in a very short period of time. Cyanosis, sunken eyes, and pinched and cold skin are just some of the shocking descriptions that newspapers carry of cholera victims. Vomiting, dehydration, and liquefied stool are also a common occurrence in cholera. Based on extensive research I have conducted, I have theorized that cholera is spread through water contaminated by pieces of human fecal matter beyond the threshold of the human eye that are present in the water. I have yet to determine exactly how human fecal matter spreads cholera, but I believe I have sufficient evidence to make this claim. Please allow me to explain further.”)

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“To Whom It May Concern: How will we fend off the dark shroud of death that is slowly descending over the great city of London? My name is John Snow, and I would like to bring some items concerning the recent outbreaks of cholera in London to your attention. There is no doubt in my mind that everyone in your department has been gravely concerned with the public's health amidst these numerous and serious outbreaks of cholera. Oftentimes healthy men and women are reduced to mere skeletons in a very short period of time. Cyanosis, sunken eyes, and pinched and cold skin are just some of the shocking descriptions that newspapers carry of cholera victims. Vomiting, dehydration, and liquefied stool are also a common occurrence in cholera. Based on extensive research I have conducted, I have theorized that cholera is spread through water contaminated by pieces of human fecal matter beyond the threshold of the human eye that are present in the water. I have yet to determine exactly how human fecal matter spreads cholera, but I believe I have sufficient evidence to make this claim. Please allow me to explain further.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; he/she does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“You have seen how rapidly cholera spreads, and it is imperative that you take immediate action to help contain it. The first action you should take is to temporarily shut down the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company and force them to relocate their water pipe upriver like the Lambeth Waterworks Company did. This will allow them to supply cleaner water in the future, keeping the general public safer. In the interim, the Lambeth Waterworks Company would supply water for the customers of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of very effective content and development. Arguments are effectively developed u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. The writer also convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“I hypothesized that the contamination of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company's water by London's wastewater would have an effect on the number of people that contracted cholera from this water. Given that the waterwork companies refused to release any statistics whatsoever, I carefully conducted my own extensive research. I found that from the total number of houses with cholera-related deaths in London, the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company alone was responsible for 45.4% of those deaths, while the Lambeth Waterworks Company was only responsible for 3.5% of them. You can see the disparity between the two water companies' statistics. There was also an incident last year where an outbreak of cholera centralized around a certain well killed 616 people. I believe that this incident was started by a mother washing her baby's diaper in that well. As you can see, there is a very strong case for the idea that human fecal matter spreads cholera.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“You have seen how rapidly cholera spreads, and it is imperative that you take immediate action to help contain it. The first action you should take is to temporarily shut down the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company and force them to relocate their water pipe upriver like the Lambeth Waterworks Company did. This will allow them to supply cleaner water in the future, keeping the general public safer. In the interim, the Lambeth Waterworks Company would supply water for the customers of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company. Furthermore, you should notify the people of London that cholera is spread through contaminated water and that they should go to great lengths to not drink water supplied by Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company until further notice is given. This will help slow the spread of cholera.”)

Details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including or challenging readers. (“You have seen how rapidly cholera spreads, and it is imperative that you take immediate action to help contain it. The first action you should take is to temporarily shut down the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company and force them to relocate their water pipe upriver like the Lambeth Waterworks Company did. This will allow them to supply cleaner water in the future, keeping the general public safer. In the interim, the Lambeth Waterworks Company would supply water for the customers of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company. Furthermore, you should notify the people of London that cholera is spread through contaminated water and that they should go to great lengths to not drink water supplied by Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company until further notice is given. This will help slow the spread of cholera.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“As others might feel cholera is spreading through other methods, I feel if you hear what I have to say, you too will be convinced that this horrible epidemic is spreading through human waste. The facts that I will provide, will allow our community to “freshen” up and see the “cleaner” side of not drinking the water from two major water companies.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“To Whom It May Concern: How will we fend off the dark shroud of death that is slowly descending over the great city of London? My name is John Snow, and I would like to bring some items concerning the recent outbreaks of cholera in London to your attention. There is no doubt in my mind that everyone in your department has been gravely concerned with the public's health amidst these numerous and serious outbreaks of cholera. Oftentimes healthy men and women are reduced to mere skeletons in a very short period of time. Cyanosis, sunken eyes, and pinched and cold skin are just some of the shocking descriptions that newspapers carry of cholera victims. Vomiting, dehydration, and liquefied stool are also a common occurrence in cholera. Based on extensive research I have conducted, I have theorized that cholera is spread through water contaminated by pieces of human fecal matter beyond the threshold of the human eye that are present in the water. I have yet to determine exactly how human fecal matter spreads cholera, but I believe I have sufficient evidence to make this claim. Please allow me to explain further.”)

The writer effectively uses clever ways to lead his/her readers from one idea or event to the next. (“As I have stated above, I believe human fecal matter is related to the spread of cholera. As you may be aware, the two largest water companies currently serving London are the Lambeth Waterworks Company and the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company. Three years ago in 1852, Lambeth Waterworks Company moved its intake pipe from its location near the Hungerford Bridge in London upriver seven and one third leagues to a location near Seething Wells.”)

The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“I hope I have succeeded in persuading you that cholera is spread through human fecal matter present in the water we consume. I strongly believe the statistics I have compiled clearly show that contamination of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company's drinking water by human feces has aided the spread of cholera. It is my greatest hope that you will take immediate action to prevent any more people from succumbing to the cold embrace of death. If you act quickly, many innocent lives can be saved from this scourge.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is presented in this persuasive piece. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“You have seen how rapidly cholera spreads, and it is imperative that you take immediate action to help contain it. The first action you should take is to temporarily shut down the Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company and force them to relocate their water pipe upriver like the Lambeth Waterworks Company did. This will allow them to supply cleaner water in the future, keeping the general public safer. In the interim, the Lambeth Waterworks Company would supply water for the customers of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company. Furthermore, you should notify the people of London that cholera is spread through contaminated water and that they should go to great lengths to not drink water supplied by Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company until further notice is given. This will help slow the spread of cholera.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“How will we fend off the dark shroud of death that is slowly descending over the great city of London? My name is John Snow, and I would like to bring some items concerning the recent outbreaks of cholera in London to your attention.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ You have seen how rapidly cholera spreads, and it is imperative that you take immediate action to help contain it.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I strongly believe the statistics I have compiled clearly show that contamination of Southwark and Vauxhall Water Company's drinking water by human feces has aided the spread of cholera. It is my greatest hope that you will take immediate action to prevent any more people from succumbing to the cold embrace of death. If you act quickly, many innocent lives can be saved from this scourge.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

November 5th, 1855

London Health Department

313 Burdock Street

London , England

Dear Sirs,

Cholera continues to kill without warning. I am Dr. John Snow, and I have been seeking evidence to find the origins of cholera. Recent cholera outbreaks have killed more and more people, but it seems that there is no way to prevent its spread. That is not true. My experiment with Dr. John Whiting has had very interesting results concerning London 's water supplies. It involved comparing the 1854 cholera fatalities to the water companies that served the victims. My results have led me believe that cholera exists in London 's water supply as invisible bits of human waste. This may seem ridiculous, but my evidence supports this theory and allows me to suggest possible actions to end the cholera threat.

Most cholera victims were served by one of two water companies, S&V Water Company and Lambeth Water Company. Lambeth has facilities ten miles upstream London on the Thames River . Meanwhile, S&V has facilities that are downstream of London . Human waste from London that is emptied into the Thames River flows downstream, towards the facilities of S&V. S&V then picks up this human waste. S&V has had 1,263 deaths, which is 45% of all cholera-related deaths in London . Lambeth, on the other hand, had 98 deaths, which are only 4% of all cholera deaths. Even with all of the filters of S&V, it is possible that invisible bits of human waste get through and cause cholera when drank by people. This is a very strange idea, but it is possible that it is below our sensory thresholds to see. This would explain why S&V has such a higher mortality rate. In short, I think it is obvious that S&V is causing the current cholera epidemic.

Without the help of the London Health Department, it will be impossible to save the lives of potential cholera victims. Luckily, there are many actions you can take to prevent another cholera epidemic. One idea would be to switch customers of S&V to Lambeth Water Company. The benefits of this are twofold. First, it would allow us to prove for a fact that there is a problem with the water of S&V. Second, should it prove correct, it would prevent annother cholera outbreak. Another idea would be to compel S&V to move their facilities upstream like Lambeth. Lambeth has had very few cholera deaths, and assuming this is due to their location, S&V would do well to move. One final idea would be to shut down S&V completely.

All of the evidence I have gathered has pointed towards S&V Water Company. As we now have the cause of cholera, we can now act. However, without the help of the London Health Department, there is no way that I will be able to warn the public of the dangers of S&V's water and the cholera it contains. I also will not be able to take action to change S&V. We must act now to rescue innocent lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are shown in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position to persuade the readers. This persuasive essay d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“ Dear Sirs, Cholera continues to kill without warning. I am Dr. John Snow, and I have been seeking evidence to find the origins of cholera. Recent cholera outbreaks have killed more and more people, but it seems that there is no way to prevent its spread. That is not true. My experiment with Dr. John Whiting has had very interesting results concerning London 's water supplies. It involved comparing the 1854 cholera fatalities to the water companies that served the victims. My results have led me believe that cholera exists in London 's water supply as invisible bits of human waste. This may seem ridiculous, but my evidence supports this theory and allows me to suggest possible actions to end the cholera threat.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ Most cholera victims were served by one of two water companies, S&V Water Company and Lambeth Water Company. Lambeth has facilities ten miles upstream London on the Thames River . Meanwhile, S&V has facilities that are downstream of London . Human waste from London that is emptied into the Thames River flows downstream, towards the facilities of S&V. S&V then picks up this human waste. S&V has had 1,263 deaths, which is 45% of all cholera-related deaths in London . Lambeth, on the other hand, had 98 deaths, which are only 4% of all cholera deaths. Even with all of the filters of S&V, it is possible that invisible bits of human waste get through and cause cholera when drank by people. This is a very strange idea, but it is possible that it is below our sensory thresholds to see. This would explain why S&V has such a higher mortality rate. In short, I think it is obvious that S&V is causing the current cholera epidemic.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; he/she does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ All of the evidence I have gathered has pointed towards S&V Water Company. As we now have the cause of cholera, we can now act. However, without the help of the London Health Department, there is no way that I will be able to warn the public of the dangers of S&V's water and the cholera it contains. I also will not be able to take action to change S&V. We must act now to rescue innocent lives.”)

Content & Development

The essay is comprised of good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position while clearly addressing readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns in different ways. (“ Recent cholera outbreaks have killed more and more people, but it seems that there is no way to prevent its spread. That is not true. My experiment with Dr. John Whiting has had very interesting results concerning London 's water supplies. It involved comparing the 1854 cholera fatalities to the water companies that served the victims. My results have led me believe that cholera exists in London 's water supply as invisible bits of human waste. This may seem ridiculous, but my evidence supports this theory and allows me to suggest possible actions to end the cholera threat.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“ Without the help of the London Health Department, it will be impossible to save the lives of potential cholera victims. Luckily, there are many actions you can take to prevent another cholera epidemic. One idea would be to switch customers of S&V to Lambeth Water Company. The benefits of this are twofold. First, it would allow us to prove for a fact that there is a problem with the water of S&V. Second, should it prove correct, it would prevent annother cholera outbreak. Another idea would be to compel S&V to move their facilities upstream like Lambeth. Lambeth has had very few cholera deaths, and assuming this is due to their location, S&V would do well to move. One final idea would be to shut down S&V completely.”)

Details are clear, correct, and specific. (“ Most cholera victims were served by one of two water companies, S&V Water Company and Lambeth Water Company. Lambeth has facilities ten miles upstream London on the Thames River . Meanwhile, S&V has facilities that are downstream of London . Human waste from London that is emptied into the Thames River flows downstream, towards the facilities of S&V. S&V then picks up this human waste. S&V has had 1,263 deaths, which is 45% of all cholera-related deaths in London . Lambeth, on the other hand, had 98 deaths, which are only 4% of all cholera deaths. Even with all of the filters of S&V, it is possible that invisible bits of human waste get through and cause cholera when drank by people. This is a very strange idea, but it is possible that it is below our sensory thresholds to see. This would explain why S&V has such a higher mortality rate. In short, I think it is obvious that S&V is causing the current cholera epidemic.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, as well as consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ Dear Sirs, Cholera continues to kill without warning. I am Dr. John Snow, and I have been seeking evidence to find the origins of cholera. Recent cholera outbreaks have killed more and more people, but it seems that there is no way to prevent its spread. That is not true. My experiment with Dr. John Whiting has had very interesting results concerning London 's water supplies. It involved comparing the 1854 cholera fatalities to the water companies that served the victims. My results have led me believe that cholera exists in London 's water supply as invisible bits of human waste. This may seem ridiculous, but my evidence supports this theory and allows me to suggest possible actions to end the cholera threat.”)

The writer includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“ Without the help of the London Health Department, it will be impossible to save the lives of potential cholera victims. Luckily, there are many actions you can take to prevent another cholera epidemic. …All of the evidence I have gathered has pointed towards S&V Water Company. As we now have the cause of cholera, we can now act. However, without the help of the London Health Department, there is no way that I will be able to warn the public of the dangers of S&V's water and the cholera it contains.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ All of the evidence I have gathered has pointed towards S&V Water Company. As we now have the cause of cholera, we can now act. However, without the help of the London Health Department, there is no way that I will be able to warn the public of the dangers of S&V's water and the cholera it contains. I also will not be able to take action to change S&V. We must act now to rescue innocent lives.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is shown throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“ All of the evidence I have gathered has pointed towards S&V Water Company. As we now have the cause of cholera, we can now act. However, without the help of the London Health Department, there is no way that I will be able to warn the public of the dangers of S&V's water and the cholera it contains. I also will not be able to take action to change S&V. We must act now to rescue innocent lives.”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or adds more details. (“ This is a very strange idea, but it is possible that it is below our sensory thresholds to see.”)

The following compound sentence is used well: “ This may seem ridiculous, but my evidence supports this theory and allows me to suggest possible actions to end the cholera threat.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits good control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark.

(“ Without the help of the London Health Department, it will be impossible to save the lives of potential cholera victims. Luckily, there are many actions you can take to prevent another cholera epidemic.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dr. John Snow

452 Princetow St.

London, England

January 16,1855

Landon Health Department

313 Burdwick St.

London, England

Dear Sirs,

I am Dr. John Snow. I am here to inform you about the cholera disease that is sweeping London. Cholera, is a highly contagious disease which spreads rather quickly. It affects everyone: young, old, big, small, poor and rich, it's also not curable. Cholera was probably brought here from India, which has had this disease from 400 B.C., by the British soldiers that were coming back from war. The symptoms are severe: diarrhea, dehydration, vomiting. This disease is serious, people are dying quickly from hours to days. I have been collecting data and I noticed that this disease is coming from contaminated drinking water.

Cholera has been a health problem in India since 400 B.C. By my understanding, Cholera was brought here by soldiers that were coming back from the war. I have mapped out all the deaths to understand better, where the disease is coming from. My studies are showing me that the most contaminated well is A. Streets like, Little Windmill, Marshall and Broadway St's were the ones that were getting their water and most of the deaths occurred there. The water companies S&V and the Lambeth company, both got there water from the Thomas River, from inside London. Then, th eLambeth company began to take it's water ten miles upstream Although some people might say that the water coming from this location is fine, but they have to look at my reaserch and findings before they can make decision.

I believe that to stop this disease we need to stop pumping water from pump A. At least closed it for a while, because this is where the contaminated water is coming from. Also, we need to inform people what is happening and from where this is coming. We need to tell people that they should not wash clothes their clothes in the pumps, because that is part why the water is contaminated, by human waste. But the most important thing that we should is that we should test the Thomas River, the places where both of the water companies get their water from.

I hope you take all this in consideration of the Cholera disease that is sweeping our city. I believe that if we try to fix those problems test the water, and stop letting the human waste into the water we should get rid of this horrible disease the is just sweeping people. Thank you for reading this letter.

Dr. John Snow

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are apparent to readers of this essay. The writer establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the readers, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ I believe that to stop this disease we need to stop pumping water from pump A. At least closed it for a while, because this is where the contaminated water is coming from. Also, we need to inform people what is happening and from where this is coming. We need to tell people that they should not wash clothes their clothes in the pumps, because that is part why the water is contaminated, by human waste. But the most important thing that we should is that we should test the Thomas River, the places where both of the water companies get their water from.”)

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ I have been collecting data and I noticed that this disease is coming from contaminated drinking water.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; he/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ Cholera has been a health problem in India since 400 B.C. By my understanding, Cholera was brought here by soldiers that were coming back from the war. I have mapped out all the deaths to understand better, where the disease is coming from.”)

Content & Development

The essay features adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. Additionally, the writer adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ Cholera has been a health problem in India since 400 B.C. By my understanding, Cholera was brought here by soldiers that were coming back from the war. I have mapped out all the deaths to understand better, where the disease is coming from. My studies are showing me that the most contaminated well is A. Streets like, Little Windmill, Marshall and Broadway St's were the ones that were getting their water and most of the deaths occurred there. The water companies S&V and the Lambeth company, both got there water from the Thomas River, from inside London. Then, th eLambeth company began to take it's water ten miles upstream Although some people might say that the water coming from this location is fine, but they have to look at my reaserch and findings before they can make decision.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“ I believe that to stop this disease we need to stop pumping water from pump A. At least closed it for a while, because this is where the contaminated water is coming from. Also, we need to inform people what is happening and from where this is coming. We need to tell people that they should not wash clothes their clothes in the pumps, because that is part why the water is contaminated, by human waste. But the most important thing that we should is that we should test the Thomas River, the places where both of the water companies get their water from.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ Cholera has been a health problem in India since 400 B.C. By my understanding, Cholera was brought here by soldiers that were coming back from the war. I have mapped out all the deaths to understand better, where the disease is coming from. My studies are showing me that the most contaminated well is A. Streets like, Little Windmill, Marshall and Broadway St's were the ones that were getting their water and most of the deaths occurred there. The water companies S&V and the Lambeth company, both got there water from the Thomas River, from inside London. Then, th eLambeth company began to take it's water ten miles upstream Although some people might say that the water coming from this location is fine, but they have to look at my reaserch and findings before they can make decision. ”)

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Although some people might say that the water coming from this location is fine, but they have to look at my reaserch and findings before they can make decision.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. Demonstrated is a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ Dear Sirs, I am Dr. John Snow. I am here to inform you about the cholera disease that is sweeping London. Cholera, is a highly contagious disease which spreads rather quickly. It affects everyone: young, old, big, small, poor and rich, it's also not curable. Cholera was probably brought here from India, which has had this disease from 400 B.C., by the British soldiers that were coming back from war. The symptoms are severe: diarrhea, dehydration, vomiting. This disease is serious, people are dying quickly from hours to days. I have been collecting data and I noticed that this disease is coming from contaminated drinking water.”)

The writer states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“ I have been collecting data and I noticed that this disease is coming from contaminated drinking water.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“ I hope you take all this in consideration of the Cholera disease that is sweeping our city. I believe that if we try to fix those problems test the water, and stop letting the human waste into the water we should get rid of this horrible disease the is just sweeping people. Thank you for reading this letter.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I am Dr. John Snow. I am here to inform you about the cholera disease that is sweeping London. Cholera, is a highly contagious disease which spreads rather quickly. It affects everyone: young, old, big, small, poor and rich, it's also not curable. Cholera was probably brought here from India, which has had this disease from 400 B.C., by the British soldiers that were coming back from war. The symptoms are severe: diarrhea, dehydration, vomiting. This disease is serious, people are dying quickly from hours to days. I have been collecting data and I noticed that this disease is coming from contaminated drinking water.”)

The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ The symptoms are severe: diarrhea, dehydration, vomiting.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ Cholera was probably brought here from India, which has had this disease from 400 B.C., by the British soldiers that were coming back from war.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Dear Sirs, I am Dr. John Snow. I am here to inform you about the cholera disease that is sweeping London. Cholera, is a highly contagious disease which spreads rather quickly. It affects everyone: young, old, big, small, poor and rich, it's also not curable.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear London Health Department,

My name is Dr. John Snow and I have been studying the data I have gathered on the profound disease called cholera. Cholera was a disease that causes diarrhea, vomiting, and dehydration. I have to notify you my observations on this disease are horrifying and drear. Cholera was first detected in 400 Before Christ in India . In 1849, there was another severe outbreak that became an epidemic. I have inferred that cholera has been spread through tiny fecal pieces that are invisible and waterbourne.

Cholera is being spread through the Thames River . I can prove it using the data I have gathered over the past six years. After the big stretch of deaths I did a death chart showing the household deaths. On the map there is a water spout labeled "A" and most of the deaths were all in that area. Water is supplied too that public spout by the S&V water company, and S&V was responsible for forty-five percent of the deaths. There were not many other deaths in other places. All in all, Cholera comes from tiny human fecal pieces in the Thames River .

There are multiple things that we have to get better at, filtering the water, and making sure our sewage doesn't sneak into the water. There is a couple of ways we can fix this though. We can filter the water multiple times to make sure it is pure. Also, sewage has to be stored and taken care of, not dropped in the Thames River . Another thing is that we can merge the S&V water company and Lambeth water company because the Lambeth water company has proven that they are better. I hope you take my suggestions into consideration. This just might work.

Sincerely,

Dr. John Snow

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writer states a position, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. In addition, the essay demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“Dear London Health Department, My name is Dr. John Snow and I have been studying the data I have gathered on the profound disease called cholera. Cholera was a disease that causes diarrhea, vomiting, and dehydration. I have to notify you my observations on this disease are horrifying and drear. Cholera was first detected in 400 Before Christ in India . In 1849, there was another severe outbreak that became an epidemic. I have inferred that cholera has been spread through tiny fecal pieces that are invisible and waterbourne.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“Cholera is being spread through the Thames River . I can prove it using the data I have gathered over the past six years. After the big stretch of deaths I did a death chart showing the household deaths. On the map there is a water spout labeled ‘A’ and most of the deaths were all in that area. Water is supplied too that public spout by the S&V water company, and S&V was responsible for forty-five percent of the deaths. There were not many other deaths in other places. All in all, Cholera comes from tiny human fecal pieces in the Thames River .”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear, convincing, or creative way. (“Dear London Health Department, My name is Dr. John Snow and I have been studying the data I have gathered on the profound disease called cholera. Cholera was a disease that causes diarrhea, vomiting, and dehydration. I have to notify you my observations on this disease are horrifying and drear. Cholera was first detected in 400 Before Christ in India . In 1849, there was another severe outbreak that became an epidemic. I have inferred that cholera has been spread through tiny fecal pieces that are invisible and waterbourne.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides limited content and development. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position.

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Cholera is being spread through the Thames River . I can prove it using the data I have gathered over the past six years. After the big stretch of deaths I did a death chart showing the household deaths. On the map there is a water spout labeled ‘A’ and most of the deaths were all in that area. Water is supplied too that public spout by the S&V water company, and S&V was responsible for forty-five percent of the deaths. There were not many other deaths in other places. All in all, Cholera comes from tiny human fecal pieces in the Thames River .”)

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“There are multiple things that we have to get better at, filtering the water, and making sure our sewage doesn't sneak into the water. There is a couple of ways we can fix this though. We can filter the water multiple times to make sure it is pure. Also, sewage has to be stored and taken care of, not dropped in the Thames River . Another thing is that we can merge the S&V water company and Lambeth water company because the Lambeth water company has proven that they are better. I hope you take my suggestions into consideration. This just might work.”)

The essay needs details ( specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) that are clear, correct, and specific. (“ Cholera is being spread through the Thames River . I can prove it using the data I have gathered over the past six years. After the big stretch of deaths I did a death chart showing the household deaths. On the map there is a water spout labeled ‘A’ and most of the deaths were all in that area. Water is supplied too that public spout by the S&V water company, and S&V was responsible for forty-five percent of the deaths. There were not many other deaths in other places. All in all, Cholera comes from tiny human fecal pieces in the Thames River .”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives some background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Dear London Health Department, My name is Dr. John Snow and I have been studying the data I have gathered on the profound disease called cholera. Cholera was a disease that causes diarrhea, vomiting, and dehydration. I have to notify you my observations on this disease are horrifying and drear. Cholera was first detected in 400 Before Christ in India . In 1849, there was another severe outbreak that became an epidemic. I have inferred that cholera has been spread through tiny fecal pieces that are invisible and waterbourne.”)

The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. (“Cholera is being spread through the Thames River . I can prove it using the data I have gathered over the past six years. After the big stretch of deaths I did a death chart showing the household deaths. On the map there is a water spout labeled ‘A’ and most of the deaths were all in that area. Water is supplied too that public spout by the S&V water company, and S&V was responsible for forty-five percent of the deaths. There were not many other deaths in other places. All in all, Cholera comes from tiny human fecal pieces in the Thames River .”)

The conclusion of the essay attempts to convince the readers with a summation of restated arguments. (“There are multiple things that we have to get better at, filtering the water, and making sure our sewage doesn't sneak into the water. There is a couple of ways we can fix this though. We can filter the water multiple times to make sure it is pure. Also, sewage has to be stored and taken care of, not dropped in the Thames River . Another thing is that we can merge the S&V water company and Lambeth water company because the Lambeth water company has proven that they are better. I hope you take my suggestions into consideration. This just might work. Sincerely, Dr. John Snow”)

Language Use & Style

Readers of the essay can detect limited language use and style. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“There are multiple things that we have to get better at, filtering the water, and making sure our sewage doesn't sneak into the water.”)

Sentences are too short. (“Cholera is being spread through the Thames River . I can prove it using the data I have gathered over the past six years. After the big stretch of deaths I did a death chart showing the household deaths. …There were not many other deaths in other places.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“Another thing is that we can merge the S&V water company and Lambeth water company because the Lambeth water company has proven that they are better. I hope you take my suggestions into consideration. This just might work.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits limited control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Water is supplied too that public spout by the S&V water company, and S&V was responsible for forty-five percent of the deaths. There were not many other deaths in other places.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

London Health Department

816 Suffork Street

London , England

Dear Sirs,

615, 616.............Are you the next on the list? I have gone gone door to door asking people if someone in their family died from Cholera. Then I made a map of the deaths around London . Cholera first seen in India about 400 B.C and unfortunetly it got to us in England . It is a serios disease that causes diarhea and severe vomiting. Most people die within a day from it. Cholera is very dangerous to London and the world, its an epidemic, we needto do omething about it

Cgolera is hiding i nthe water and all of London is drinking it. My map shows that most people died around pump A. I suggest that we should take off the handle from pump A forever untill we do something about it. Cholera is a very serios problem because the S&V water company supplies 30046 people with water and 1,26 have died from it. The Lambeth Water Company supplies 26,107 houses with water and 98 people have died from Cholera. The rest of the city consists of 256,423 which use water everyday, so far 1,422 people have died overall. We hould get rid of this problem soon.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating a position and shows minimal understanding of the purpose and audience; few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“Dear Sirs, 615, 616.............Are you the next on the list? I have gone gone door to door asking people if someone in their family died from Cholera. Then I made a map of the deaths around London . Cholera first seen in India about 400 B.C and unfortunetly it got to us in England . It is a serios disease that causes diarhea and severe vomiting. Most people die within a day from it. Cholera is very dangerous to London and the world, its an epidemic, we needto do omething about it”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Dear Sirs, 615, 616.............Are you the next on the list? I have gone gone door to door asking people if someone in their family died from Cholera. Then I made a map of the deaths around London . Cholera first seen in India about 400 B.C and unfortunetly it got to us in England . It is a serios disease that causes diarhea and severe vomiting. Most people die within a day from it. Cholera is very dangerous to London and the world, its an epidemic, we needto do omething about it”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“Cgolera is hiding i nthe water and all of London is drinking it. My map shows that most people died around pump A. I suggest that we should take off the handle from pump A forever untill we do something about it. Cholera is a very serios problem because the S&V water company supplies 30046 people with water and 1,26 have died from it. The Lambeth Water Company supplies 26,107 houses with water and 98 people have died from Cholera. The rest of the city consists of 256,423 which use water everyday, so far 1,422 people have died overall. We hould get rid of this problem soon.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Cgolera is hiding i nthe water and all of London is drinking it. My map shows that most people died around pump A. I suggest that we should take off the handle from pump A forever untill we do something about it. Cholera is a very serios problem because the S&V water company supplies 30046 people with water and 1,26 have died from it. The Lambeth Water Company supplies 26,107 houses with water and 98 people have died from Cholera. The rest of the city consists of 256,423 which use water everyday, so far 1,422 people have died overall. We hould get rid of this problem soon.”)

Important details (specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Cgolera is hiding i nthe water and all of London is drinking it. My map shows that most people died around pump A. I suggest that we should take off the handle from pump A forever untill we do something about it. Cholera is a very serios problem because the S&V water company supplies 30046 people with water and 1,26 have died from it. The Lambeth Water Company supplies 26,107 houses with water and 98 people have died from Cholera. The rest of the city consists of 256,423 which use water everyday, so far 1,422 people have died overall. We hould get rid of this problem soon.”)

Organization

The essay consists of minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Dear Sirs, 615, 616.............Are you the next on the list? I have gone gone door to door asking people if someone in their family died from Cholera. Then I made a map of the deaths around London . Cholera first seen in India about 400 B.C and unfortunetly it got to us in England . It is a serios disease that causes diarhea and severe vomiting. Most people die within a day from it. Cholera is very dangerous to London and the world, its an epidemic, we needto do omething about it”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“Cgolera is hiding i nthe water and all of London is drinking it. My map shows that most people died around pump A. I suggest that we should take off the handle from pump A forever untill we do something about it. Cholera is a very serios problem because the S&V water company supplies 30046 people with water and 1,26 have died from it. The Lambeth Water Company supplies 26,107 houses with water and 98 people have died from Cholera. The rest of the city consists of 256,423 which use water everyday, so far 1,422 people have died overall. We hould get rid of this problem soon.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any actual conclusion; instead, the writer just adds on a brief concluding sentence to the end of the second paragraph. (“Cgolera is hiding i nthe water and all of London is drinking it. My map shows that most people died around pump A. I suggest that we should take off the handle from pump A forever untill we do something about it. Cholera is a very serios problem because the S&V water company supplies 30046 people with water and 1,26 have died from it. The Lambeth Water Company supplies 26,107 houses with water and 98 people have died from Cholera. The rest of the city consists of 256,423 which use water everyday, so far 1,422 people have died overall. We hould get rid of this problem soon.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is evident to readers of this essay. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also present.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ Cholera first seen in India about 400 B.C and unfortunetly it got to us in England . It is a serios disease that causes diarhea and severe vomiting. Most people die within a day from it. Cholera is very dangerous to London and the world, its an epidemic, we needto do omething about it”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and contain too many ideas. (“ Cholera is very dangerous to London and the world, its an epidemic, we needto do omething about it…The rest of the city consists of 256,423 which use water everyday, so far 1,422 people have died overall.”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“ Most people die within a day from it. …We hould get rid of this problem soon.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I have gone gone door to door asking people if someone in their family died from Cholera. Then I made a map of the deaths around London . Cholera first seen in India about 400 B.C and unfortunetly it got to us in England . It is a serios disease that causes diarhea and severe vomiting. Most people die within a day from it. Cholera is very dangerous to London and the world, its an epidemic, we needto do omething about it”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Health Department,

Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it?

When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea. We have to do something so that more people don’t keep getting sicker.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position, and little effort is made to persuade. Few or no parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it? …When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea. We have to do something so that more people don’t keep getting sicker.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it?”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it?”)

Content & Development

The essay provides inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it? …When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea. We have to do something so that more people don’t keep getting sicker.”)

There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it? …When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea. We have to do something so that more people don’t keep getting sicker.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it? …When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea. We have to do something so that more people don’t keep getting sicker.”)

Organization

Readers can detect inadequate or no organization in this brief essay. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion; in addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it?”)

The thesis statement cannot be found at the end of the introduction. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it?”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it? …When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea. We have to do something so that more people don’t keep getting sicker.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are apparent to readers of this essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it? …When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea. We have to do something so that more people don’t keep getting sicker.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea.”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“ Hi, I am Dr. John Snow. Cholera is becoming a major dilema in our city. Can Cholera go away by its self? Or do we have to do something about it?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows inadequate or no control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“When you have Cholera, it causes vamit and, Diarrhea.”)

Ethics and Archaeology

Should scientists be allowed to excavate ancient graves to gain knowledge about life in the past? Read the passage "Frozen in Time" and the excerpt from the March 28, 2002 edition of The Economist entitled "Bones of Contention," and view a video on archaeology. Based on your readings and viewing, establish a claim on whether scientists should be allowed to excavate ancient graves to further our knowledge of the past.

In a well-developed essay, analyze the video and texts referred to above and develop a claim as to whether scientists should excavate ancient graves. To support your claim, consider all of the information in the passages and video. Be sure to include specific details from the resources to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Uncovering mysteries about the past has been a tremendous part of humans' relentless thirst for knowledge and understanding. Archaeology, the study of human history through the excavation of sites and study of artifacts, has been established to allow archaeologists to gain a greater understanding of people's past and culture. However, this seemingly innocuous pursuit of knowledge has created many conflicts between archaeologists and people around the world. One common way for performing research on a particular area is to excavate ancient graves. Despite excavation being only for research, many people are concerned about the ethics of such a matter. Many indigenous people believe that the certain artifacts are rightfully theirs and archaeologists have no right to even touch it. In my perspective, I believe that if archaeologists take proper care (or improve conditions) of the person/object and return it to indigenous people after research is complete, archaeologists should be allowed to perform studies and excavate ancient graves. Through cooperation and understanding between archaeologists and people, both groups can achieve common goals.

Maintaining good condition of an artifact is an important skill that all archaeologists should have. For an archaeologist, taking proper care of something is essential to success in whatever they are doing. This helps keep things in order and also makes research much easier. For example, if an archaeologist is examining an artifact, he/she can't neglect whatever he is studying. He/she must keep it in good condition so any risks of destruction of data are reduced to a minimal level. If all archaeologists attained this quality and applied it to excavation, they should be allowed to excavate ancient graves to gain knowledge. People allowing the archaeologists to work with the object/person would be much more comfortable allowing them to do so. They would also probably feel that the archaeologists are much more trustworthy. In one event, a man named Donald Ryan helped make the conditions of a tomb better while working. While "working with Egyptian archaeologists", Donald Ryan "excavated six tombs in the Valley of the Kings during the 1990s...Once the work was complete the archaeologists cleaned up the tombs...They placed the mummies in new wooden boxes and sealed the entrances." These actions proved to the others that the archaeologists actually cared about how the objects, people, or place were being treated. If you knew somebody who took care of their personal belongings well, you would probably want them to take care of your belongings rather than someone who is constantly in disorder. However, these qualities might not convince some people to completely trust archaeologists. Archaeologists aren't trained to destroy things people value. Their only purpose is to gain a greater understanding of the world's history and culture. Good causes should be supported and understanding is necessary to achieve what everybody aims for.

Borrowing something or using something from another individual or group does not grant you complete control over the item. In fact, lending is not required by the person/group no matter how much authority you may possess. Archaeologists should be allowed to excavate ancient graves as long as the site or objects borrowed are returned to the lender as soon as excavation and research is complete. If something is discovered, the discovery should also be given to its rightful owner. The discovery of Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi ("long ago person found") initiated a great commotion among archaeologists and the Native American tribes. Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi was discovered to be a 550 year old man that may have died of cold when he went to sleep. Out of respect for Native American traditions and customs, the frozen man was given to the "Indian nations of the area." A person can never claim something that is not rightfully theirs. People may also argue that there is a possibility the artifact/person is never returned. However, like mentioned before, a person that takes something/someone never has complete authority over it. No matter how much power the person or group has, those people will never be able to take something important away from the rightful owner. The frozen man was only assumed to be the property of the Native America tribes. The rightful ownership was never confirmed and wasn't even possible. However, sacrifice and cooperation from people is the only way to achieve something between two groups.

Archaeology is not the only matter that requires compromise between groups of people. In order for everyone to achieve what they all strive for, people must cooperate between each other to understand each other's needs. Archaeologists should be allowed to excavate graves, but only if they learn to address the needs of people. Proper care of items and returning items is essential to addressing the needs of people. People must learn to value other's customs, traditions, and goals. The purpose of archaeology is to gain a greater understanding of the past and cultures. What kind of "understanding" do we achieve if we have to use force to attain it? That kind of understanding will only bring us nothing; more conflicts will arise without cooperation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/claim/thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with a central claim. (“Uncovering mysteries about the past has been a tremendous part of humans' relentless thirst for knowledge and understanding. . . In my perspective, I believe that if archaeologists take proper care (or improve conditions) of the person/object and return it to indigenous people after research is complete, archaeologists should be allowed to perform studies and excavate ancient graves. Through cooperation and understanding between archaeologists and people, both groups can achieve common goals.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s claim. (“People allowing the archaeologists to work with the object/person would be much more comfortable allowing them to do so. They would also probably feel that the archaeologists are much more trustworthy. In one event, a man named Donald Ryan helped make the conditions of a tomb better while working. While ‘working with Egyptian archaeologists’, Donald Ryan ‘excavated six tombs in the Valley of the Kings during the 1990s...Once the work was complete the archaeologists cleaned up the tombs...They placed the mummies in new wooden boxes and sealed the entrances.’ These actions proved to the others that the archaeologists actually cared about how the objects, people, or place were being treated.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the writer’s controlling idea. There are supporting details that directly relate to the assertion that even though there are concerns about scientific excavation, if everyone works together, it can create a win-win situation and expand everyone's knowledge. (“Archaeology is not the only matter that requires compromise between groups of people. In order for everyone to achieve what they all strive for, people must cooperate between each other to understand each other's needs. Archaeologists should be allowed to excavate graves, but only if they learn to address the needs of people. Proper care of items and returning items is essential to addressing the needs of people. People must learn to value other's customs, traditions, and goals. The purpose of archaeology is to gain a greater understanding of the past and cultures. What kind of ‘understanding’ do we achieve if we have to use force to attain it? That kind of understanding will only bring us nothing; more conflicts will arise without cooperation.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support a claim on the issue of scientific excavation of ancient burial sites. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her claim. (“People may also argue that there is a possibility the artifact/person is never returned. However, like mentioned before, a person that takes something/someone never has complete authority over it. No matter how much power the person or group has, those people will never be able to take something important away from the rightful owner. The frozen man was only assumed to be the property of the Native America tribes. The rightful ownership was never confirmed and wasn't even possible. However, sacrifice and cooperation from people is the only way to achieve something between two groups.”)

The writer effectively includes anecdotes from the resources that explain or illustrate his/her claim. (“People allowing the archaeologists to work with the object/person would be much more comfortable allowing them to do so. They would also probably feel that the archaeologists are much more trustworthy. In one event, a man named Donald Ryan helped make the conditions of a tomb better while working. While ‘working with Egyptian archaeologists’, Donald Ryan ‘excavated six tombs in the Valley of the Kings during the 1990s...Once the work was complete the archaeologists cleaned up the tombs...They placed the mummies in new wooden boxes and sealed the entrances.’ These actions proved to the others that the archaeologists actually cared about how the objects, people, or place were being treated.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Archaeologists should be allowed to excavate ancient graves as long as the site or objects borrowed are returned to the lender as soon as excavation and research is complete. If something is discovered, the discovery should also be given to its rightful owner. The discovery of Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi (‘long ago person found’) initiated a great commotion among archaeologists and the Native American tribes. Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi was discovered to be a 550 year old man that may have died of cold when he went to sleep. Out of respect for Native American traditions and customs, the frozen man was given to the ‘Indian nations of the area.’”)

Organization

The essay's introduction is engaging and successfully captures the readers’ attention. (“Uncovering mysteries about the past has been a tremendous part of humans' relentless thirst for knowledge and understanding. Archaeology, the study of human history through the excavation of sites and study of artifacts, has been established to allow archaeologists to gain a greater understanding of people's past and culture. However, this seemingly innocuous pursuit of knowledge has created many conflicts between archaeologists and people around the world.”)

The writer uses subtle transitional phrases to assist in moving from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words and phrases help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Borrowing something or using something from another individual or group does not grant you complete control over the item. In fact, lending is not required by the person/group no matter how much authority you may possess. Archaeologists should be allowed to excavate ancient graves as long as the site or objects borrowed are returned to the lender as soon as excavation and research is complete.”)

The essay's conclusion effectively wraps up the writer's argument and leaves the readers with a question to consider. (“Archaeology is not the only matter that requires compromise between groups of people. In order for everyone to achieve what they all strive for, people must cooperate between each other to understand each other's needs. Archaeologists should be allowed to excavate graves, but only if they learn to address the needs of people. Proper care of items and returning items is essential to addressing the needs of people. People must learn to value other's customs, traditions, and goals. The purpose of archaeology is to gain a greater understanding of the past and cultures. What kind of ‘understanding’ do we achieve if we have to use force to attain it? That kind of understanding will only bring us nothing; more conflicts will arise without cooperation.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs effective language to make his/her argument more convincing. (“A person can never claim something that is not rightfully theirs. People may also argue that there is a possibility the artifact/person is never returned. However, like mentioned before, a person that takes something/someone never has complete authority over it. No matter how much power the person or group has, those people will never be able to take something important away from the rightful owner. The frozen man was only assumed to be the property of the Native America tribes. The rightful ownership was never confirmed and wasn't even possible. However, sacrifice and cooperation from people is the only way to achieve something between two groups.”)

The writer uses varied sentences and sophisticated word choices. (“Maintaining good condition of an artifact is an important skill that all archaeologists should have. For an archaeologist, taking proper care of something is essential to success in whatever they are doing. This helps keep things in order and also makes research much easier. For example, if an archaeologist is examining an artifact, he/she can't neglect whatever he is studying. He/she must keep it in good condition so any risks of destruction of data are reduced to a minimal level. If all archaeologists attained this quality and applied it to excavation, they should be allowed to excavate ancient graves to gain knowledge.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Archaeologists should be allowed to excavate ancient graves as long as the site or objects borrowed are returned to the lender as soon as excavation and research is complete. If something is discovered, the discovery should also be given to its rightful owner. The discovery of Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi (‘long ago person found’) initiated a great commotion among archaeologists and the Native American tribes. Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi was discovered to be a 550 year old man that may have died of cold when he went to sleep. Out of respect for Native American traditions and customs, the frozen man was given to the ‘Indian nations of the area.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“If you knew somebody who took care of their personal belongings well, you would probably want them to take care of your belongings rather than someone who is constantly in disorder. However, these qualities might not convince some people to completely trust archaeologists. Archaeologists aren't trained to destroy things people value. Their only purpose is to gain a greater understanding of the world's history and culture.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Did you know that a five hundred and fifty year old man, names Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi, was discovered in the Tatshenshini-Aslek Provincial Park in Canada? Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi was discovered by hunters in a glacier with small artifacts. The hunters took the artifacts and brought them to the Beringia Museum in Whitehorse, Yukon. For many years, people have been debating whether or not excavating ancient objects in order to gain knowledge about people in the past is morally correct or incorrect. Although people may think that archeology disrupts many different groups of people or things, I believe that it is necessary for scientists to excavate ancient graves in order to gain knowledge about life in the past.

With the things archaeologists discover, it provides a clearer picture of the people who have previously lived at the place they discovered the object or thing. When the hunters found Kwada Dan Ts'inchi, they reported their discovery to scientists. With the information, scientists were able to discover than Kwaday had, "Long black hair that he wore loose" (Frozen in Time). The scientist also had an assumption on how he died. He could have, "Died of the cold when he went to sleep" (Frozen in Time). This discovery helped scientists see how the people who have previously lived here's appearance. Kwaday was also later given to the Indian nations of the area.

When archaeologists investigate an ancient object, they use them to discover more about the people who used to live there and their accustoms. Donald Ryan, an archeologoist at Pacific Lutheran University, "Excavated six tombs in the Valley of the Kings during the 1990s" (Ethics in Archeology; Can You Dig It?). Once they completed investigating the tombs, they cleaned them up, which has already been ravaged by floods and looting. The scientists also, "Placed the mummies in new wooden boxes and sealed the entrance" (Ethics in Archeology; Can You Dig It?). The scientists investigated the tombs, then cleaned them up, leaving them in a better condition than they investigated.

Although some may believe that excavating ancient objects are morally correct, many people believe that archaeologists' intervene with indigenous people there and their ancestors human remains. According to Passage 3: "Ethics in Archaeology; Can You Dig It?" is states that scientists have found a man with, "Skeletal characteristics [that] are very different than those of modern Native Americans." The man could have been a very resourceful amount of information about the people who previously have lived near the town of Kennewick in Washington State. With the Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act (NAGPRA) the Native Americans were granted, "The remains of Kenewick Man... [which] would deny archaeologists access to an important source of scientific information" (Ethnics in Archaeology; Can You Dig It?).Without the permission to investigate the Kennewick Man, the scientist lost a big source of information which could have been an answer for many of their questions.

So what exactly is archaeology? Archaeology is the, "Study of past culture and the way people lived based on things left behind" (Discovery Education). Without archaeologists, we would not be able to know things about our past ancestors and how they lived their lives. People may believe that it is morally incorrect to investigate and intrude into the history of others, but I believe that it should be allowed to learn more about the past to help us in the future.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/claim/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning the essay with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Did you know that a five hundred and fifty year old man, names Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi, was discovered in the Tatshenshini-Aslek Provincial Park in Canada? Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi was discovered by hunters in a glacier with small artifacts. The hunters took the artifacts and brought them to the Beringia Museum in Whitehorse, Yukon. For many years, people have been debating whether or not excavating ancient objects in order to gain knowledge about people in the past is morally correct or incorrect. Although people may think that archeology disrupts many different groups of people or things, I believe that it is necessary for scientists to excavate ancient graves in order to gain knowledge about life in the past. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“With the things archaeologists discover, it provides a clearer picture of the people who have previously lived at the place they discovered the object or thing. When the hunters found Kwada Dan Ts'inchi, they reported their discovery to scientists. With the information, scientists were able to discover than Kwaday had, ‘Long black hair that he wore loose’ (Frozen in Time). The scientist also had an assumption on how he died. He could have, ‘Died of the cold when he went to sleep’ (Frozen in Time). This discovery helped scientists see how the people who have previously lived here's appearance. Kwaday was also later given to the Indian nations of the area. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“When archaeologists investigate an ancient object, they use them to discover more about the people who used to live there and their accustoms. Donald Ryan, an archeologoist at Pacific Lutheran University, ‘Excavated six tombs in the Valley of the Kings during the 1990s’ (Ethics in Archeology; Can You Dig It?). Once they completed investigating the tombs, they cleaned them up, which has already been ravaged by floods and looting. The scientists also, ‘Placed the mummies in new wooden boxes and sealed the entrance’ (Ethics in Archeology; Can You Dig It?). The scientists investigated the tombs, then cleaned them up, leaving them in a better condition than they investigated.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides sufficient development of ideas and content in the essay. He/she develops arguments using specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer clearly addresses the readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer acknowledges the opposing position on the issue. (“Although some may believe that excavating ancient objects are morally correct, many people believe that archaeologists' intervene with indigenous people there and their ancestors human remains. According to Passage 3: ‘Ethics in Archaeology; Can You Dig It?’ is states that scientists have found a man with, ‘Skeletal characteristics [that] are very different than those of modern Native Americans.’ The man could have been a very resourceful amount of information about the people who previously have lived near the town of Kennewick in Washington State. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that argue the stated position. (“With the things archaeologists discover, it provides a clearer picture of the people who have previously lived at the place they discovered the object or thing. When the hunters found Kwada Dan Ts'inchi, they reported their discovery to scientists. With the information, scientists were able to discover than Kwaday had, ‘Long black hair that he wore loose’ (Frozen in Time). The scientist also had an assumption on how he died. He could have, ‘Died of the cold when he went to sleep’ (Frozen in Time). This discovery helped scientists see how the people who have previously lived here's appearance. Kwaday was also later given to the Indian nations of the area. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“With the Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act (NAGPRA) the Native Americans were granted, ‘The remains of Kenewick Man... [which] would deny archaeologists access to an important source of scientific information’ (Ethnics in Archaeology; Can You Dig It?).Without the permission to investigate the Kennewick Man, the scientist lost a big source of information which could have been an answer for many of their questions. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Although people may think that archeology disrupts many different groups of people or things, I believe that it is necessary for scientists to excavate ancient graves in order to gain knowledge about life in the past.”)

Subtle transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“With the things archaeologists discover, it provides a clearer picture of the people who have previously lived at the place they discovered the object or thing. When the hunters found Kwada Dan Ts'inchi, they reported their discovery to scientists. With the information, scientists were able to discover than Kwaday had, ‘Long black hair that he wore loose’ (Frozen in Time). ”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer's argument and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“So what exactly is archaeology? Archaeology is the, ‘Study of past culture and the way people lived based on things left behind’ (Discovery Education). Without archaeologists, we would not be able to know things about our past ancestors and how they lived their lives. People may believe that it is morally incorrect to investigate and intrude into the history of others, but I believe that it should be allowed to learn more about the past to help us in the future. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of a few well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the quality of the essay. Combining shorter sentences and related ideas would improve the sophistication of the essay overall.

The writer uses good language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“For many years, people have been debating whether or not excavating ancient objects in order to gain knowledge about people in the past is morally correct or incorrect. Although people may think that archeology disrupts many different groups of people or things, I believe that it is necessary for scientists to excavate ancient graves in order to gain knowledge about life in the past. ”)

The writer should use conjunctions to combine some of the shorter sentences and create a variety of complex sentence structures. (“The scientist also had an assumption on how he died. He could have, ‘Died of the cold when he went to sleep’ (Frozen in Time). This discovery helped scientists see how the people who have previously lived here's appearance. Kwaday was also later given to the Indian nations of the area. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“When archaeologists investigate an ancient object, they use them to discover more about the people who used to live there and their accustoms. Donald Ryan, an archeologoist at Pacific Lutheran University, ‘Excavated six tombs in the Valley of the Kings during the 1990s’ (Ethics in Archeology; Can You Dig It?). Once they completed investigating the tombs, they cleaned them up, which has already been ravaged by floods and looting. The scientists also, ‘Placed the mummies in new wooden boxes and sealed the entrance’ (Ethics in Archeology; Can You Dig It?). The scientists investigated the tombs, then cleaned them up, leaving them in a better condition than they investigated. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message in any way.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“Although some may believe that excavating ancient objects are morally correct, many people believe that archaeologists' intervene with indigenous people there and their ancestors human remains. According to Passage 3: ‘Ethics in Archaeology; Can You Dig It?’ is states that scientists have found a man with, ‘Skeletal characteristics [that] are very different than those of modern Native Americans.’ The man could have been a very resourceful amount of information about the people who previously have lived near the town of Kennewick in Washington State. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

If scientists had the ability to excavate ancient graves more freely, how much information could be obtained about the past? Some may believe that scientists shouldn't be able to excavate graves because it shows disrespect to the dead, while some believe scientists should have the permission to excavate graves. When considering how much facts or information that could be discovered about our ancient ancestors, scientists should be able to excavate graves.

Ancient graves store a lot of information that could be revealed if scientists could excavate the graves. Even by just taking the bones of a old human that lived on Earth, scientists have the ability to discover different facts about the person. An estimate of the person's age, how the person could've possible looked like, how the person died, and other information could be found. For example, when three hunters by the name of Bill Hanlon, Mike Roch, and Warren Ward found the remains of a person and took them back to a museum to be investigated, several facts were found. The man was around 550 years old, had black hair that was long, and possibly died from the cold when he was asleep. He was named Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi, meaning "long ago person found." It was also found out that this man was possibly one of the men in the Indian's legends that told about a hunter who left but never came back. Another example could be the Kennewick Man who is believed to be about 9,300 years old.

People also even take care of the ancient people after the grave is excavated. If people truely didn't want the graves of the ancient people to be destoryed or harmed, a law can be made that after gathering the information the scientist wanted, they have to restore the grave with better, new materials. This is exactly what a archaeologist named Donald Ryan did. He worked with Egyptian scientists to excavate six tombs from the Valley of the kings in the 1990s. After observing the tombs, instead of leaving the remains of the people just lying there, they restored the tombs. The mummies were put inside new wooden boxes with sealed entrances. They took care of the ancient people.

While there are a variety of reasons why graves should be excavated, there are also reasons why a grave shouldn't. One reason why graves shouldn't be excavated is that it's disrespectful to the dead. This is true because excavating a grave means taking the bones and remains of the person out of the grave. This can cause damage to the person and that shows disrespect. For this reason, people can make a law to only allow highly trainer scientists to be able to excavate graves. If they damage anything, they would have to pay a high price.

Even though it's disrespectful, information could be obtained on the way the people in the past lived, what they ate, and other information. This can deepen our information on the past, even if some are only guesses based on the clues that are presented.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/claim/thesis statement about the issue of excavating ancient burial grounds and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience, and he/she satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“If scientists had the ability to excavate ancient graves more freely, how much information could be obtained about the past? Some may believe that scientists shouldn't be able to excavate graves because it shows disrespect to the dead, while some believe scientists should have the permission to excavate graves. When considering how much facts or information that could be discovered about our ancient ancestors, scientists should be able to excavate graves.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s claim. (“Ancient graves store a lot of information that could be revealed if scientists could excavate the graves. Even by just taking the bones of a old human that lived on Earth, scientists have the ability to discover different facts about the person. An estimate of the person's age, how the person could've possible looked like, how the person died, and other information could be found.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for the intended audience. He/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“If people truely didn't want the graves of the ancient people to be destoryed or harmed, a law can be made that after gathering the information the scientist wanted, they have to restore the grave with better, new materials. This is exactly what a archaeologist named Donald Ryan did. He worked with Egyptian scientists to excavate six tombs from the Valley of the kings in the 1990s. After observing the tombs, instead of leaving the remains of the people just lying there, they restored the tombs.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. He/she also addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. However, incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for allowing scientists to excavate ancient graves to learn more about people who came before us. (“Ancient graves store a lot of information that could be revealed if scientists could excavate the graves. Even by just taking the bones of a old human that lived on Earth, scientists have the ability to discover different facts about the person. An estimate of the person's age, how the person could've possible looked like, how the person died, and other information could be found. For example, when three hunters by the name of Bill Hanlon, Mike Roch, and Warren Ward found the remains of a person and took them back to a museum to be investigated, several facts were found. The man was around 550 years old, had black hair that was long, and possibly died from the cold when he was asleep. He was named Kwaday Dan Ts'inchi, meaning ‘long ago person found.’”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“People also even take care of the ancient people after the grave is excavated. If people truely didn't want the graves of the ancient people to be destoryed or harmed, a law can be made that after gathering the information the scientist wanted, they have to restore the grave with better, new materials. This is exactly what a archaeologist named Donald Ryan did. He worked with Egyptian scientists to excavate six tombs from the Valley of the kings in the 1990s. After observing the tombs, instead of leaving the remains of the people just lying there, they restored the tombs. The mummies were put inside new wooden boxes with sealed entrances. They took care of the ancient people.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“While there are a variety of reasons why graves should be excavated, there are also reasons why a grave shouldn't. One reason why graves shouldn't be excavated is that it's disrespectful to the dead. This is true because excavating a grave means taking the bones and remains of the person out of the grave. This can cause damage to the person and that shows disrespect. For this reason, people can make a law to only allow highly trainer scientists to be able to excavate graves. If they damage anything, they would have to pay a high price.”)

Organization

The essay shows adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and subtle transitional phrases. Overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention by posing a thought-provoking question to open the debate on whether scientists should be permitted to freely excavate ancient grave sites. (“If scientists had the ability to excavate ancient graves more freely, how much information could be obtained about the past?”)

There are subtle transitional phrases used to move from one idea to the next. (“While there are a variety of reasons why graves should be excavated, there are also reasons why a grave shouldn't. One reason why graves shouldn't be excavated is that it's disrespectful to the dead. This is true because excavating a grave means taking the bones and remains of the person out of the grave. This can cause damage to the person and that shows disrespect. For this reason, people can make a law to only allow highly trainer scientists to be able to excavate graves. If they damage anything, they would have to pay a high price.”)

The writer’s conclusion, although brief, adequately wraps up the argument and gives the readers a sense of closure. (“Even though it's disrespectful, information could be obtained on the way the people in the past lived, what they ate, and other information. This can deepen our information on the past, even if some are only guesses based on the clues that are presented.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Ancient graves store a lot of information that could be revealed if scientists could excavate the graves. Even by just taking the bones of a old human that lived on Earth, scientists have the ability to discover different facts about the person. An estimate of the person's age, how the person could've possible looked like, how the person died, and other information could be found.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“While there are a variety of reasons why graves should be excavated, there are also reasons why a grave shouldn't. One reason why graves shouldn't be excavated is that it's disrespectful to the dead. This is true because excavating a grave means taking the bones and remains of the person out of the grave. This can cause damage to the person and that shows disrespect. For this reason, people can make a law to only allow highly trainer scientists to be able to excavate graves.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“After observing the tombs, instead of leaving the remains of the people just lying there, they restored the tombs. The mummies were put inside new wooden boxes with sealed entrances. They took care of the ancient people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . The essay contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but these errors do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“People also even take care of the ancient people after the grave is excavated. If people truely didn't want the graves of the ancient people to be destoryed or harmed, a law can be made that after gathering the information the scientist wanted, they have to restore the grave with better, new materials. This is exactly what a archaeologist named Donald Ryan did. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Should Scientists Continue to Escavate Ancient Graves?

I think that studying ancient grave is wrong for many reasons. I say that it is wrong because of other's religion, it may cause a new type of disease, and finally it might or will cause conflict with some people. Many people might say that it will make a difference that we continue to let scientist study the bones of ancient graves, but I say that it is wrong to study ancient grave.

One reason that I think it is very wrong is because of other's religion. Digging up one body and studying it might effect one religion. That religion might have its own beiliefs that it is wrong. Like for example the Native Americans. One day a group of scientist found a 550 year old man that was Native American. So they brought the man to the Native American tribe. They thought it was an ancester. So when the scientist gave the body back the Native Americans snd they gave him a proper burial. Maybe it could cause some type of supernatural event if they do continue. Maybe the body is say some how cursed. It would also be disrespectful. People might think that it is insulting to their religion that they could just dig up the bodies of their ancesters.

Another reason why I think it's wrong is because it might cause a disease from the remains of the body. When the scientists dig for the bodies and investigate they might get or cause a new disease from the body. It could speread around the world. If there were a disease caused by the ancient grave than it might be worse than Cancer. If a disease happens then it could be very bad for the human society. I think if this really happens than it could be bad for other peoples saftey. If this happens than it could spread worldwide.

My final reason why I think it is wrong is because it could cause conflict between other people that don't agree with escavating with the ancient graves.It may be so bad that it could cause a riot. People that do not agree with this might be on a different religion and might feel insulted that they are studying the bodies of their ancesters. People might get really frustrated or even very mad. People will let their anger out.

In Conclution, I think that it is not right for the scientists to study the ancient graves of other ancient graves. It will be disrespectful to their religion, it can cause a disease, and it might cause conflict.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer conveys an opinion /position/claim/thesis statement on the argument of excavating ancient burial sites but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion /position/claim/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Should Scientists Continue to Escavate Ancient Graves? I think that studying ancient grave is wrong for many reasons. I say that it is wrong because of other's religion, it may cause a new type of disease, and finally it might or will cause conflict with some people. Many people might say that it will make a difference that we continue to let scientist study the bones of ancient graves, but I say that it is wrong to study ancient grave.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to support the writer’s claim. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Another reason why I think it's wrong is because it might cause a disease from the remains of the body. When the scientists dig for the bodies and investigate they might get or cause a new disease from the body. It could speread around the world. If there were a disease caused by the ancient grave than it might be worse than Cancer. If a disease happens then it could be very bad for the human society. I think if this really happens than it could be bad for other peoples saftey. If this happens than it could spread worldwide.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers in the essay, but there is limited use of persuasive terms to argue his/her point of view effectively. (“My final reason why I think it is wrong is because it could cause conflict between other people that don't agree with escavating with the ancient graves.It may be so bad that it could cause a riot. People that do not agree with this might be on a different religion and might feel insulted that they are studying the bodies of their ancesters. People might get really frustrated or even very mad. People will let their anger out. In Conclution, I think that it is not right for the scientists to study the ancient graves of other ancient graves.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against excavating ancient graves for scientific studies. The writer does attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments, but he/she does not integrate effective counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“People that do not agree with this might be on a different religion and might feel insulted that they are studying the bodies of their ancesters. People might get really frustrated or even very mad. People will let their anger out.”)

The writer includes an anecdote from one of the text resources that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s reasons for not allowing excavation of ancient graves, it is not an effective support for the argument. (“One reason that I think it is very wrong is because of other's religion. Digging up one body and studying it might effect one religion. That religion might have its own beiliefs that it is wrong. Like for example the Native Americans. One day a group of scientist found a 550 year old man that was Native American. So they brought the man to the Native American tribe. They thought it was an ancester. So when the scientist gave the body back the Native Americans snd they gave him a proper burial. Maybe it could cause some type of supernatural event if they do continue. Maybe the body is say some how cursed. It would also be disrespectful. People might think that it is insulting to their religion that they could just dig up the bodies of their ancesters. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for not supporting the excavation of ancient graves, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“Another reason why I think it's wrong is because it might cause a disease from the remains of the body. When the scientists dig for the bodies and investigate they might get or cause a new disease from the body. It could speread around the world. If there were a disease caused by the ancient grave than it might be worse than Cancer. If a disease happens then it could be very bad for the human society. I think if this really happens than it could be bad for other peoples saftey. If this happens than it could spread worldwide.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The writer incorporates the use of paragraphing in the essay, but there is a lack of effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer’s introduction is limited. He/she simply asserts an opinion about the right or wrong of excavating graves, which is done in a very repetitive way. (“I think that studying ancient grave is wrong for many reasons. I say that it is wrong because of other's religion, it may cause a new type of disease, and finally it might or will cause conflict with some people. Many people might say that it will make a difference that we continue to let scientist study the bones of ancient graves, but I say that it is wrong to study ancient grave.”)

Basic transitions are included between paragraphs. However, the writer should also incorporate more effective transitions between sentences to improve the flow and sequence of ideas in the essay. (“My final reason why I think it is wrong is because it could cause conflict between other people that don't agree with escavating with the ancient graves.It may be so bad that it could cause a riot. People that do not agree with this might be on a different religion and might feel insulted that they are studying the bodies of their ancesters. People might get really frustrated or even very mad. People will let their anger out. ”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. The end of the essay restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“In Conclution, I think that it is not right for the scientists to study the ancient graves of other ancient graves. It will be disrespectful to their religion, it can cause a disease, and it might cause conflict.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice. However, he/she relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The writer uses limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/claim/thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Should Scientists Continue to Escavate Ancient Graves? I think that studying ancient grave is wrong for many reasons. I say that it is wrong because of other's religion, it may cause a new type of disease, and finally it might or will cause conflict with some people. Many people might say that it will make a difference that we continue to let scientist study the bones of ancient graves, but I say that it is wrong to study ancient grave. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Another reason why I think it's wrong is because it might cause a disease from the remains of the body. When the scientists dig for the bodies and investigate they might get or cause a new disease from the body. It could speread around the world. If there were a disease caused by the ancient grave than it might be worse than Cancer. If a disease happens then it could be very bad for the human society. I think if this really happens than it could be bad for other peoples saftey. If this happens than it could spread worldwide. ”)

There are many syntactical issues present in portions of the essay. (“That religion might have its own beiliefs that it is wrong. Like for example the Native Americans. One day a group of scientist found a 550 year old man that was Native American. So they brought the man to the Native American tribe. They thought it was an ancester. So when the scientist gave the body back the Native Americans snd they gave him a proper burial. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“Digging up one body and studying it might effect one religion. That religion might have its own beiliefs that it is wrong. Like for example the Native Americans. One day a group of scientist found a 550 year old man that was Native American. So they brought the man to the Native American tribe. They thought it was an ancester.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Scientists should be allowed to excavate because it would held us to discover. The ancient people and the civilization to live. The scientists would find new things like bone and bodies. "When scientists find bones 'and other things they take it to museums all the people would see new things" Scientists help us a lot.

One day hunters were hiking to the mountains. They found a wooden walking stick. They knew that wooden was not commonly found on a glacier. Then they spotted some fur and bone about fifty feet away. "As they waked toward the fur 'they saw some clothes and a human body in the ice" The man froze in the glacier. He had snow been exposed as the ice melted

This is why scientists should be allowed to excavate. It teaches you new thinks. They find new things and tell you what they found and were they found it. You can experience new things like searching for bones and work in a scientists' lab. Scientists should be allowed to excavate.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning. He/she makes a minimal attempt at stating a claim or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/claim/thesis about the issue. (“Scientists should be allowed to excavate because it would held us to discover. The ancient people and the civilization to live. The scientists would find new things like bone and bodies. ‘When scientists find bones 'and other things they take it to museums all the people would see new things’ Scientists help us a lot.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended audience. (“This is why scientists should be allowed to excavate. It teaches you new thinks. They find new things and tell you what they found and were they found it. You can experience new things like searching for bones and work in a scientists' lab. Scientists should be allowed to excavate.”)

The writer does not focus on using sufficient details to support his/her claim, which is minimally stated. (“One day hunters were hiking to the mountains. They found a wooden walking stick. They knew that wooden was not commonly found on a glacier. Then they spotted some fur and bone about fifty feet away. ‘As they waked toward the fur 'they saw some clothes and a human body in the ice’ The man froze in the glacier. He had snow been exposed as the ice melted This is why scientists should be allowed to excavate. It teaches you new thinks.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her claim on whether or not scientists should be permitted to excavate ancient grave sites. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/claim/thesis statement. (“Scientists should be allowed to excavate because it would held us to discover. The ancient people and the civilization to live. The scientists would find new things like bone and bodies.”)

The writer neglects to address opposing viewpoints to round out the argument. (“‘When scientists find bones 'and other things they take it to museums all the people would see new things’ Scientists help us a lot. One day hunters were hiking to the mountains. They found a wooden walking stick. They knew that wooden was not commonly found on a glacier. Then they spotted some fur and bone about fifty feet away.”)

Organization

The writer’s organization is minimal as well . He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Scientists should be allowed to excavate because it would held us to discover. The ancient people and the civilization to live. The scientists would find new things like bone and bodies. "When scientists find bones 'and other things they take it to museums all the people would see new things" Scientists help us a lot.”)

The writer does not create body paragraphs that support his/her claim on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“'As they waked toward the fur 'they saw some clothes and a human body in the ice’ The man froze in the glacier. He had snow been exposed as the ice melted This is why scientists should be allowed to excavate. It teaches you new thinks. They find new things and tell you what they found and were they found it.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion that effectively restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“This is why scientists should be allowed to excavate. It teaches you new thinks. They find new things and tell you what they found and were they found it. You can experience new things like searching for bones and work in a scientists' lab. Scientists should be allowed to excavate.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the writer's opinion/position/claim/thesis statement effectively. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“This is why scientists should be allowed to excavate. It teaches you new thinks. They find new things and tell you what they found and were they found it. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs poorly structured sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“This is why scientists should be allowed to excavate. It teaches you new thinks. They find new things and tell you what they found and were they found it. You can experience new things like searching for bones and work in a scientists' lab. Scientists should be allowed to excavate. ”)

The writer’s word choices are very basic. They are not effective in arguing the asserted claim to the intended audience. (“The scientists would find new things like bone and bodies. ‘When scientists find bones 'and other things they take it to museums all the people would see new things’ Scientists help us a lot. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the essay response. He/she commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not contain appropriate punctuation and capitalization, words are spelled incorrectly, there are sentence fragments, and there are errors in subject-verb agreement. (“‘As they waked toward the fur 'they saw some clothes and a human body in the ice’ The man froze in the glacier. He had snow been exposed as the ice melted”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

THE HISTORY ON SCIENTIST

Should scientist have full control over bones and poetry, tools weapons and other things from. People from different countries have found things like bones weapons poetry and stuff, so we think that scientist should have full control over stuff that is found from a long time ago. Scientist should also have control of investigation and science theme. Here is a example long ago people where looking for india stuff like class and basket. So they went all the way to india to look for that and thy found whet they needed. after they bought it back to California to experiment it and get history on it and they found do great history. That was one of my examples so what ia m trying to say is scientist should have full control over there job and not have no control over there job because there job is verry important to s if there where no scientist there wouldn't be no science so it is very important to us that we let scientist do there job.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/claim/thesis, and little effort is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay vaguely reveals the writer’s claim on the issue and fails to contain detailed, supporting ideas that argue the asserted position effectively. (“after they bought it back to California to experiment it and get history on it and they found do great history. That was one of my examples so what ia m trying to say is scientist should have full control over there job and not have no control over there job because there job is verry important to s if there where no scientist there wouldn't be no science so it is very important to us that we let scientist do there job.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not use appropriate language. (“People from different countries have found things like bones weapons poetry and stuff, so we think that scientist should have full control over stuff that is found from a long time ago.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Should scientist have full control over bones and poetry, tools weapons and other things from.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the writer' s claim on the issue of whether scientists should be permitted to excavate ancient graves. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated claim. (“People from different countries have found things like bones weapons poetry and stuff, so we think that scientist should have full control over stuff that is found from a long time ago. Scientist should also have control of investigation and science theme. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented in body paragraphs in the essay. (“Scientist should also have control of investigation and science theme. Here is a example long ago people where looking for india stuff like class and basket. So they went all the way to india to look for that and thy found whet they needed. after they bought it back to California to experiment it and get history on it and they found do great history. That was one of my examples so what ia m trying to say is scientist should have full control over there job and not have no control over there job because there job is verry important to s if there where no scientist there wouldn't be no science so it is very important to us that we let scientist do there job. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The writer does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the asserted claim. The writer’s ideas are repetitive, and he/she does not refer to any reliable sources to bolster the development of ideas in the essay. (“Should scientist have full control over bones and poetry, tools weapons and other things from. People from different countries have found things like bones weapons poetry and stuff, so we think that scientist should have full control over stuff that is found from a long time ago. Scientist should also have control of investigation and science theme. Here is a example long ago people where looking for india stuff like class and basket. ”)

Organization

The essay contains no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Should scientist have full control over bones and poetry, tools weapons and other things from.”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“Scientist should also have control of investigation and science theme. Here is a example long ago people where looking for india stuff like class and basket. So they went all the way to india to look for that and thy found whet they needed. after they bought it back to California to experiment it and get history on it and they found do great history. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells the readers what to do next. (“That was one of my examples so what ia m trying to say is scientist should have full control over there job and not have no control over there job because there job is verry important to s if there where no scientist there wouldn't be no science so it is very important to us that we let scientist do there job.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“That was one of my examples so what ia m trying to say is scientist should have full control over there job and not have no control over there job because there job is verry important to s if there where no scientist there wouldn't be no science so it is very important to us that we let scientist do there job. ”)

There is informal language used in most portions of the essay. (“People from different countries have found things like bones weapons poetry and stuff, so we think that scientist should have full control over stuff that is found from a long time ago. Scientist should also have control of investigation and science theme. Here is a example long ago people where looking for india stuff like class and basket.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience because he/she neglects to address opposing points of view, which leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Should scientist have full control over bones and poetry, tools weapons and other things from. People from different countries have found things like bones weapons poetry and stuff, so we think that scientist should have full control over stuff that is found from a long time ago.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates the writer’s inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“So they went all the way to india to look for that and thy found whet they needed. after they bought it back to California to experiment it and get history on it and they found do great history.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Extend the School Day?

The school board plans to add one and a half hours to school each day. Do you agree or disagree with extending the school day? Use specific details and examples to convince the school board to accept your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine getting out of school at 4:30 and going to soccer practice. By the time you finish practice and get home it would be 7:00 pm. Should schools extend the school day? In my opinion, school districts should not extend the school day. A seven hour school day with 45 minute periods is already long enough. After school activities would run extremely late. Also, students would have less time for homework. Many kids' grades would drop. Finally, many kids would not be as focused during their last few classes. Overall, having a longer school day would mess up students, coaches, families, and teachers' schedules all across the board.

Kids in after school activities would get home remarkably late. If athletes and musicians got home around seven they would be extremely hungry and exhausted. 50% of the student body is apart of some sort of after school activity. Therefore, half of the students would be overworked. Whether it is sports, marching band, musical, or even catching up on homework many students stay after school. Also, other schools in the area would still have a short school day. Scheduling game times would be difficult. For away games, athletes would either get out of school really early, or the other schools would have a late game forcing them to stay after school longer. All in all, our school would have a weird schedule that would create conflicts when getting together with other schools.

Also, students would have less time to do major projects and everyday homework. All of the kids would get home late around five. Some athletes would get home later at seven! By the time kids take a shower, change and eat, they only have an hour or two before it gets late. Furthermore, kids might rush through homework if it gets late. Exhausted teens' homework is more likely to be wrong compared to a focused teens' homework. What is the point of having kids do homework late at night if it is going to be wrong and sloppy? Overall, kids would struggle finishing their homework and stay up late. Therefore, students would get less sleep and be tired the next morning.

Additionally, students would be unfocused in their later classes. Currently, kids are anxious and unfocused in their last few courses. Having a longer school day would prompt kids to be unfocused in multiple subjects. Clearly, unfocused kids would lead to bad grades and unpleasant teachers. Some students would get bad grades in history and science, since they are their last classes. Other kids would receive worse grades in math since those are their last courses. This would result in students receiving bad grades in subjects they would normally succeed in. Obviously, having an extended school day would result in unfocused students.

Some people might argue that extending the school day would benefit students. If we had a longer school day you could add an extra free period such as enrichment or recess. Adding an extra free period would make the extended day pointless. Why would you add a period of nothing and make the periods only ten minutes longer? Is ten minutes really worth the extra hassle of rescheduling everything? If you polled teachers on how much work their class could get done in ten minutes it would be close to nothing. Currently, it takes at least ten minutes for the teachers to give us instructions. In the end, it would screw up teachers, students, and parents scheduling and not save any money.

In my honest opinion, we should not extend the school day. Having a longer school day would run after school activities late, give kids less homework time, and it would lead students to be unfocused in more than one class. Would you want to have an extended school day if you were a student involved in many activities? How does the length of the school day effect you? Do you want students failing their classes or quitting their activities just because of a extended stressful day? Our school is already struggling with the PSSA's and having the numbers for sports teams. Extending the school day would result in a loss of extracurricular activities and a drop in the student body's grades. In the end, extending the school day would hurt students and other faculty members that the addition is meant to help.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at beginning of the introduction. (“ Imagine getting out of school at 4:30 and going to soccer practice. By the time you finish practice and get home it would be 7:00 pm.”)

After the essay grabs the readers’ attention, the writer follows with an opinionative statement. (“ In my opinion, school districts should not extend the school day. A seven hour school day with 45 minute periods is already long enough.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ Kids in after school activities would get home remarkably late. If athletes and musicians got home around seven they would be extremely hungry and exhausted.”)

Essays at this level rarely, if ever, contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Some word choice could be improved, but it is still sufficiently professional for any audience. (“ Overall, kids would struggle finishing their homework and stay up late.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer uses several ideas that directly support the thesis. (“ Kids in after school activities would get home remarkably late.”)

Additional details help to support the main ideas. (“Scheduling game times would be difficult. For away games, athletes would either get out of school really early, or the other schools would have a late game forcing them to stay after school longer.”)

The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the writer’s own opinion. The writer then attempts to counter these concerns. (“ Some people might argue that extending the school day would benefit students. If we had a longer school day you could add an extra free period such as enrichment or recess. Adding an extra free period would make the extended day pointless. Why would you add a period of nothing and make the periods only ten minutes longer?”)

Organization

The essay’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. A thesis is present, and sufficient background information is provided to help readers unfamiliar with the topic understand the purpose of the essay. (“ Imagine getting out of school at 4:30 and going to soccer practice. By the time you finish practice and get home it would be 7:00 pm.”)

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected and help readers move between ideas easily. (“ Additionally, students would be unfocused in their later classes.”)

Concluding remarks summarize the main thesis statement as well as some of the ideas presented. The conclusion also provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In my honest opinion, we should not extend the school day.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. This helps to engage readers in the topic. (“ Exhausted teens' homework is more likely to be wrong compared to a focused teens' homework. What is the point of having kids do homework late at night if it is going to be wrong and sloppy?”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The tone is appropriate for any audience. (“ Some students would get bad grades in history and science, since they are their last classes. Other kids would receive worse grades in math since those are their last courses.”)

The writer could improve the tone further by replacing some words. For example, the writer should use "children" or "students" instead of referring to “kids.” (“Clearly, unfocused kids would lead to bad grades and unpleasant teachers.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the vast majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and each paragraph is distinguished by a line break. (“ All in all, our school would have a weird schedule that would create conflicts when getting together with other schools.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. In this case, there are very few or no notable errors. (“ If you polled teachers on how much work their class could get done in ten minutes it would be close to nothing.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This would be a living nightmare for children across the country. Kids are at their most joyful state when school ends. I disagree with extending the school day for numerous reasons. Those reasons are because kids get a lot less sleep also because teachers and staff have to stay longer and lastly because kids will lose their time to relax.

First of all we should not extend the school day because kids will be losing a lot of precious sleep. Adding a hour and a half is a horrible and a tragic thing and because of it kids will be extremely tired. This will affect the students in a negative fashion because if they are sleepy then they will not be able to concentrate in class which will not result in a positive outcome; if they are not paying attention it will result in awful grades even though it really is not their fault at all. Also if children are getting a lot less sleep then they will be cranky all the time which will not do them any good. So if they are cranky this will add onto the many negative effects of less sleep which is not going to be helping them in school. So as you see sleep is a very important thing in any humans life so losing it will be horrible so that is one reason why I think that we should not extend the school day at all in my honest personal opinion.

Additionally we should never extend the school day because poor teachers and the lovely staff will have to stay and work longer. One very horrendous effect of this because forcing the teachers and faculty will be dramatic enough. Plus, their pay is horrible. It is really not an acceptable outcome. If this happens, it will cause a lot of people having to leave there jobs because of this rule and the economy these days are just unpredictable and this will have a dramatic effect on our society today. The extra work the teachers are going to have to do is going to kill them because they might get an extra period which means more children plus more work which is going to be a tremendous negative effect on teachers. We all realize how important their jobs are, so we should not put them in risk of losing their kind souls because of this one horrible rule. Some people think that teachers are paid very well for their time, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t true.

Lastly we should definitely not extend the school day because children will lose a lot of relaxing time and if you’re a kid you would never dream about that. Believe it or not stress plays a magnificent role in your child’s life because of the frozen hearted school. Kids are extremely joyful when they can come home from school and relax. A boy they might enjoy playing the amazing world of video games. Girls maybe playing with dolls. Regardless, extending the school day will eliminate dream of your kids. Some kids go ballistic if they don’t have relaxing time. Students need to have the option of pursuing their individual interests apart from structured schooling. As you can witness yourself these tragic events happen but can be stopped right now if you dont make this horrendous thought a rule. So that is why I personally think extending the school day is a terrible idea.

So I hope I have convinced you not to extend the school day. Our community honestly does not need this ruling. That is because of kids getting a lot less sleep and teachers and staff have to work more hours will not a lot of pay and lastly because children get a lot less relaxing time. So school board I hope you take this into consideration.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. This helps engage readers by providing them with a drastic interpretation of the policy. (“This would be a living nightmare for children across the country.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience and does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“ Students need to have the option of pursuing their individual interests apart from structured schooling.”)

Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning. Also, some ideas may be on topic, but the writer needs to include additional details to explain their significance. (“ Also if children are getting a lot less sleep then they will be cranky all the time which will not do them any good.”)

Content & Development

After the writer explains the thesis, he/she provides several main ideas that support it directly. (“Additionally we should never extend the school day because poor teachers and the lovely staff will have to stay and work longer.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion and support the main ideas. (“ One very horrendous effect of this because forcing the teachers and faculty will be dramatic enough. Plus, their pay is horrible.”)

The essay addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a counterargument. (“Some people think that teachers are paid very well for their time, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t true.”)

Some statements are unnecessary and may detract from the writer’s credibility, but they do not damage the message. (“So that is why I personally think extending the school day is a terrible idea.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion; it has consistent use paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning, which helps define that paragraph’s content.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. It also gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“This would be a living nightmare for children across the country. Kids are at their most joyful state when school ends.”)

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected and help the readers move between those ideas. (“ Lastly we should definitely not extend the school day because children will lose a lot of relaxing time and if you’re a kid you would never dream about that.”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ Our community honestly does not need this ruling. That is because of kids getting a lot less sleep and teachers and staff have to work more hours will not a lot of pay and lastly because children get a lot less relaxing time. So school board I hope you take this into consideration.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. Some of this language is effective at engaging the readers’ emotions, and strong words help readers relate to the writer’s message on a more personal level. (“Regardless, extending the school day will eliminate dream of your kids.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ This will affect the students in a negative fashion because if they are sleepy then they will not be able to concentrate in class which will not result in a positive outcome; if they are not paying attention it will result in awful grades even though it really is not their fault at all.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. (“ So that is why I personally think extending the school day is a terrible idea.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with a capital letter, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, and paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation. (“We all realize how important their jobs are, so we should not put them in risk of losing their kind souls because of this one horrible rule.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. A few sentences are improperly structured and would benefit from additional periods or semicolons. (“So as you see sleep is a very important thing in any humans life so losing it will be horrible so that is one reason why I think that we should not extend the school day at all in my honest personal opinion.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning. (“As you can witness yourself these tragic events happen but can be stopped right now if you dont make this horrendous thought a rule.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you heard about the school board adding one and a half hour to every school in the United States? Well I did and I 100% disagree. The three main reason why I don’t agree is because we still need time to be a kid. We also need to have time to deal with our personal life, and some of us teenagers have jobs. Those are very important details why they shouldn't add a hour in a half. And besides unstead of adding more time we can just go home and study for at least 40mins.

First of all, kids should be able to run around,and hang out with friends like adults do. When your a very young person you want to have fun and be able to do adventurous things. For example kids can run around stores but if an adult does that people would find that very wierd. If they take that hour and a half away from us, we would lose our time of being ourselves away from us children. And I'm sure that the adult's would not like taking time away from their family because the government said so.

My second reason, why the school board should not add one and a half hour to school is because we still have a personal life to deal with. Some children have to deal with a sickness, or a hard time because they lost some one that they love. Even though school is very important that doesn't mean that our personal life isn't. Here's a very good qeustion. What if an adult who works a lot but doesn’t have too much time to deal with their personal life, would you say they live a satisfying life?

Last but not least, some of the big kids have jobs. Some need jobs to support there family, and some are saving money for college. Those are very important information why the school board should not add one hour in a half. For example imagine a teenager that has to be at work at 3:30 and school gets out at 3:30 how will the desperate teenager get to work on time. Those are some important things that the school board should thing about before they attempt it. We dont need that and if a student needs more school time then they could just get tutoring unstead of adding one hour and a half.

Finally,I hope that the school board changes there mind after all of those important details. Children need time at home with there family. Please dont add anhour and a half because we do have lifes to live. And I hope that you guys understand what i mean. Thank you and I hope that you will change your mind.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The essay begins with a question to draw the readers in. It also provides some background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay. Finally, the writer remembers to include a clear thesis so that the readers know the writer’s position on the issue before he/she provides evidence. (“ Have you heard about the school board adding one and a half hour to every school in the united states? Well I did and I 100% disagree.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis. (“ My second reason, why the school board should not add one and a half hour to school is because we still have a personal life to deal with.”)

The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience and rarely or does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“ When your a very young person you want to have fun and be able to do adventurous things. For example kids can run around stores but if an adult does that people would find that very wierd.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ For example imagine a teenager that has to be at work at 3:30 and school gets out at 3:30 how will the desperate teenager get to work on time.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. The writer asks readers questions that may lead them to the writer's desired conclusion. This can help the readers relate to the ideas the writer is trying to convey. In this case, the writer asks readers to try and imagine the situation from the writer’s point of view. (“ What if an adult who works a lot but doesn’t have too much time to deal with their personal life, would you say they live a satisfying life?”)

Writing at this level should include three to five supporting details in a paragraph to help explain and illustrate each main idea. The writing would benefit from additional details, but in this case, there are enough to adequately support the writer’s ideas. (“ And I'm sure that the adult's would not like taking time away from their family because the government said so.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, as well as inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use s ome form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization.

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention by asking a question. (“ Have you heard about the school board adding one and a half hour to every school in the United States? Well I did and I 100% disagree.”)

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected and help readers move between ideas. The transitions are adequate, but they sometimes sound forced. The writer should try to use more sophisticated language when using transitions to move between ideas. (“ Last but not least, some of the big kids have jobs.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument and summarizes some of the ideas presented. It also provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Children need time at home with there family. Please dont add anhour and a half because we do have lifes to live.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer could add sentences with exclamations or questions, or combine sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons to help improve readability. (“ Those are very important information why the school board should not add one hour in a half. For example imagine a teenager that has to be at work at 3:30 and school gets out at 3:30 how will the desperate teenager get to work on time.”)

The tone is generally professional and appropriate for any audience, but word choices are sometimes poor. (“ For example kids can run around stores but if an adult does that people would find that very wierd.”)

Some sentences are fragmented. ( “ And I'm sure that the adult's would not like taking time away from their family because the government said so.”)

Essays at this level occasionally contain minor errors in language usage or style, but the majority of the content in this essay is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“When your a very young person you want to have fun and be able to do adventurous things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors usually do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“For example kids can run around stores but if an adult does that people would find that very wierd.”)

Overall, essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning. For example, in this essay, the writer fails to use contractions correctly, and there are some spelling errors. (“We dont need that and if a student needs more school time then they could just get tutoring unstead of adding one hour and a half.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I disagree to extend the school day, for many reasons; some people have to clean up when they get home, not enough time to do homework. Not enough time to walk home.

Some students have to pick up there siblings. If middle and high schoolers get out later that means when they pick up their younger brother are sister, they will be even later getting home. And since the days get shorter it is going to be a little dark when they get home.

Another reason is why we shouldn't extend the school days is because students already despise school, From being bullied to threatened by students and teachers, Adding an extra hour and a half is just stressing the students and teachers more. Students do have lives other then school like sports,hanging out with friends,babysitting,church etc. I mean education has its purpose but them teaching us a lesson for two days and then having a test is just stressing the students more then it should be.

Some students have to do numerous chores when they get home from school like taking out the trash, cooking dinner for their family, homework, picking up siblings etcetera. And when studentsb get home later thety dont have enough time to just breath because of the later home, and they wont have enough time to manage. And then on top of that they have to do there homework and study for good grades and upcoming test. And for some kids its mandatory for them to do this when they get home.

For the students who do sports and have to stay backs it’s even worse, you stay back for an hour or two for extra help and then have to go home and do your work.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion, position, or thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The writer also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience, but some parts of the task are not completed.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. There is little or no background information provided. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt may have a difficult time understanding the purpose of the essay. (“I disagree to extend the school day, for many reasons; some people have to clean up when they get home, not enough time to do homework. Not enough time to walk home.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using some inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“Students do have lives other then school like sports,hanging out with friends,babysitting,church etc.”)

Essays at this level occasionally contain irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. (“ And for some kids its mandatory for them to do this when they get home.”)

Content & Development

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the writer’s opinion. There is little or no attempt to address the possible counterarguments or questions that readers may have.

The writer should include at least three topic sentences to elaborate on the main argument of the essay, along with details that provide support. (“ Another reason is why we shouldn't extend the school days is because students already despise school, From being bullied to threatened by students and teachers, Adding an extra hour and a half is just stressing the students and teachers more.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, or short stories that explain or illustrate his or her opinion. In this case, the details used are somewhat adequate, but additional details would help improve the essay further. (“ I mean education has its purpose but them teaching us a lesson for two days and then having a test is just stressing the students more then it should be.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and it lacks paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. He/she includes a thesis and a few of the ideas are discussed, but there is no background information or creative introduction to help grab the readers’ attention. (“I disagree to extend the school day, for many reasons; some people have to clean up when they get home, not enough time to do homework.”)

Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. The writer attempts to do this, but run-on sentences make it difficult to understand. (“Some students have to do numerous chores when they get home from school like taking out the trash, cooking dinner for their family, homework, picking up siblings etcetera.”)

There is little evidence of a conclusion. The essay does not summarize any of the ideas presented or give readers a sense of closure. (“ For the students who do sports and have to stay backs it’s even worse, you stay back for an hour or two for extra help and then have to go home and do your work.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. Essays at this level often contain sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they contain sentences that are too short and lack sophistication. Usually, this indicates a lack of variety in sentence structure. In this case, there are many run-on sentences that make the writer’s arguments difficult to understand. (“ And when studentsb get home later thety dont have enough time to just breath because of the later home, and they wont have enough time to manage.”)

The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“ I mean education has its purpos e but them teaching us a lesson for two days and then having a test is just stressing the students more then it should be.”)

Essays at this level contain some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. Some sentences are fragmented, and errors such as these seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“Not enough time to walk home.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

Essays at this level contain some errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. However, most of the period and comma usage is still correct. In addition, the writer uses semicolons appropriately. However, problems with sentence structure still damage the writer’s credibility. (“I disagree to extend the school day, for many reasons; some people have to clean up when they get home, not enough time to do homework.”)

Some sentences have so many spelling errors that it is difficult to understand the writer’s intent. (“And when studentsb get home later thety dont have enough time to just breath because of the later home”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I agree board should add one And a half hour because students will be able to learn more and teacher wont rush the lesson and students could talk to each other more. And maybe they can the there home work in class And they could have more fun with the teacher watching video in the class about the lesson.

And if we have a half hour the teacher could let us reading And she could go to the restroom And the stuff that she need to do or if she felling bad she can take a rest for she can be felling better. You see, it would be good for everyone.

Extending school days would be the best in my life because I like to be with my freinds to talk or play with them like in p.e playing basketball or have some.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. He/she also demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task.

For example, the writer does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. Readers familiar with the prompt may be able to infer the purpose of the essay, but even if readers know the prompt task, they still may have difficulty understanding the writer’s intent. (“I agree board should add one And a half hour because students will be able to learn more and teacher wont rush the lesson and students could talk to each other more.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. There is an attempt to address the audience by avoiding informal language, but it is only somewhat successful. Better word choice would improve the writer’s credibility. (“And maybe they can the there home work in class And they could have more fun with the teacher watching video in the class about the lesson.”)

Essays at this level may or may not contain irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. In this case, most of the content is clear and on topic, but additional details are needed to explain some of the writer’s main ideas. (“And if we have a half hour the teacher could let us reading And she could go to the restroom And the stuff that she need to do or if she felling bad she can take a rest for she can be felling better.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. Evidence that is provided has very little or no supporting details. Ideas and details that are included are difficult to understand. (“You see, it would be good for everyone.”)

Essays should include at least three main ideas as evidence with several supporting details to help explain each main idea. This essay only minimally meets these criteria. ( “And if we have a half hour the teacher could let us reading And she could go to the restroom And the stuff that she need to do or if she felling bad she can take a rest for she can be felling better.”)

There is no attempt to address possible counterarguments or questions the readers may have.

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, and there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not use paragraphs to separate ideas.

In this case, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. There is nothing creative about the introduction to attract readers, and no background information is provided to explain the purpose of the essay. (“I agree board should add one And a half hour because students will be able to learn more and teacher wont rush the lesson and students could talk to each other more.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay, although paragraphing is minimally used to separate the introduction, body, and concluding sections of the essay.

The conclusion is very brief and does little to provide readers with a sense of closure. A good conclusion will also summarize many of the ideas presented and give readers something to think about. (“ Extending school days would be the best in my life because I like to be with my freinds to talk or play with them like in p.e playing basketball or have some.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases that are used too often or are too informal with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“And if we have a half hour the teacher could let us reading And she could go to the restroom And the stuff that she need to do or if she felling bad she can take a rest for she can be felling better.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Some are too long and have too many ideas, while others contain little or no useful information. (“You see, it would be good for everyone.”)

Essays at this level often contain errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. In this case, run-on sentences are particularly damaging to the writer’s credibility. (“And if we have a half hour the teacher could let us reading And she could go to the restroom And the stuff that she need to do or if she felling bad she can take a rest for she can be felling better.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay shows patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each new paragraph is indented. Some words are capitalized unnecessarily. (“And if we have a half hour the teacher could let us reading And she could go to the restroom And the stuff that she need to do or if she felling bad she can take a rest for she can be felling better.”)

Contractions are not punctuated correctly. (“I agree board should add one And a half hour because students will be able to learn more and teacher wont rush the lesson and students could talk to each other more.”)

Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present may impede meaning. Spelling errors and improper punctuation are especially common. (“Extending school days would be the best in my life because I like to be with my freinds to talk or play with them like in p.e playing basketball or have some.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What do i say to extending the day well my answer is no cause i can't bareley stand staying in class until 3:50. Let me explian school is like a textbook. You learn new stuff everyday. And when your done your head hurt. The reason why i disagree is because Kid's need a break break from school to. Not only adults even do we need a break from them to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis, and little effort is made to persuade. The writer completes few or no parts of the task.

For example, the essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. There is no background information or information that describes the purpose of the essay. (“What do i say to extending the day well my answer is no cause i can't bareley stand staying in class until 3:50.”)

The writer does not use appropriate language to illustrate an understanding of audience. (“ You learn new stuff everyday.”)

Some information may be off topic. Additional details are needed to explain the significance of some of the ideas presented. The writer attempts to do this, but the essay is too short to fully assess the writer’s capabilities. (“You learn new stuff everyday. And when your done your head hurt.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position.

The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. (“ The reason why i disagree is because Kid's need a break break from school to”)

There are few or no main ideas in the body paragraphs. Ideas that are provided are not well developed and contain few supporting details. (“ Let me explian school is like a textbook. You learn new stuff everyday. And when your done your head hurt.”)

The essay does not attempt to consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. No attempt is made to address possible questions that the readers may have.

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. The writer demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. There is no background information and no indication of what the essay is supposed to be about. Readers unfamiliar with the essay will not be able to infer its purpose. Finally, there is no clear thesis. Despite these problems, readers familiar with the prompt task may be able to recognize the writer’s intention. (“What do i say to extending the day well my answer is no cause i can't bareley stand staying in class until 3:50.”)

There is no use of paragraphing or transitional devices. While there is some evidence of a beginning, middle, and end, there is little or no attempt to conclude the essay with a summary of ideas, or to provide the readers with a sense of closure. (“Not only adults even do we need a break from them to.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Some sentences are fragmented. (“ You learn new stuff everyday. And when your done your head hurt.”)

Some word choice is incorrect. (“And when your done your head hurt.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It contains errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

In this case, errors in mechanics and conventions are so severe that they significantly undermine the writer’s credibility and message coherence. Spelling and comma usage are especially poor. (“What do i say to extending the day well my answer is no cause i can't bareley stand staying in class until 3:50.”)

Pronouns like “I” are not capitalized. (“What do i say to extending the day well my answer is no cause i can't bareley stand staying in class until 3:50.”)

Generally, essays at this level contain serious errors in mechanics and conventions that often impede meaning.

Extracurricular Activities: Beneficial or Not?

Your school district has recently decided to eliminate your favorite sport, club, or performing art (soccer, chess, band, drama, etc.). These activities are fun for those who participate, but do they provide other benefits? Use iSEEK™ to research whether extracurricular activities benefit students, and then adopt a position on this issue.

In a multi-paragraph essay, use your research to argue for or against eliminating extracurricular activities. Include facts and details from your research to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Imagine a student who completely excels in school, has a lot of friends, and stays out of trouble by staying active instead. Doesn't it sound like this person has a great life? This is how it is for many students all over America because they participate in extracurricular activities. Many teens participate in after school programs. Why? Well there are very many benefits in getting involved with different clubs and sports. First, extracurricular activities help students do better in their education both now and in the future. Next, the activities which students participate in teach real-world skills and help them have a set path in their life by showing them where their talents lie. Finally, when students are involved in extracurricular activities, they are provided with a healthy alternative from getting involved with crime and drugs. Extracurricular activities have so many beneficial effects on students that it is a wonder why schools don't provide more of them!

Although some people might think that extracurricular activities take up too much of students' time causing them to do poorly in their schoolwork, that is not the case. Students who get involved in extracurricular activities actually receive better grades than those who do not. As evidence for this, a survey conducted by the Minnesota State High School League in 2007 confirmed that students who participated in athletics perform better in school than other students. Athletes who participated in this survey had an average grade point average of 2.84 compared to 2.68 for students not participating in sports. Most students who are involved with a sport or club have to maintain a certain grade point average and attendance record to continue participating in that activity. This means that each student will try harder in their education because they want to stay in their sport or club. After school activities help students learn how to concentrate and to stay determined. Exercising these abilities in school will greatly improve their grades. Another study done by the National Federation of High School Activities also reported that students who participate in extracurricular activities have better attendance, higher GPAs, and lower dropout rates. Not only does participating in extracurricular programs help struggling students to stay in school, extracurricular programs also help students who are already doing well in their school assignments to do even better. Doesn't that sound great- students with improved grades as a result of them getting involved in extracurricular activities they enjoy?

With all the pushing, shoving, scratching, and biting to get to the top in our economy today, it is very important that students learn the skills they need to succeed. When students engage in extracurricular activities they learn more about themselves and what their talents are. The most common skills that are learned in extracurricular activities are time management and social skills. These talents are especially needed in today's society. First, students learn how to manage their time when they participate in extracurricular activities because they need to know how to spend their time between their schoolwork, family, and after school activities. At the same time, they become skilled at distinguishing their priorities. Next, in addition to time management, students learn the value of social skills. Laura Bestler is the assistant director of the student activities at the Student Activities Center. She once remarked, "Extracurricular activities are an effective way to network and meet other people with whom the students can study." To add the Bestler's comment, Erin Fowkes stated: "Extracurricular activities teach students to work in teams and work cooperatively, skills that will help students be successful in school and attain jobs in the future." Students will naturally learn more about the real world and will learn additional skills to those received in the classroom.

In addition, extracurricular activities can keep students from a life of crime. Students develop self-esteem and a sense of purpose which gives them hope for the future and proves to them that they have a lot of potential. They learn that they if they work hard and do their best, then they will never have to stoop to a lower level in life. According to the Wordpress website (http://wordpress.com), students who spend no time at all in extracurricular activities are 49% more likely to have used drugs and 37% more likely to become teen parents than are those students who spend one to four hours per week in extracurricular activities. The most active hours for juvenile crime and youth becoming victims of violence are between the hours of 3 and 6 p.m. If students are occupied in something else at that time instead, their chances of being caught up in violence are greatly reduced. Mary Rombokas sums up her research of this subject: "High school athletes were considerably less involved in school-related deviance, non-school related deviance, drug, alcohol, and tobacco abuse, and serious offenses with the law." Wouldn't you rather have teens getting scraped up in sports than getting into a scrape with the law? Extracurricular activities give students positive alternatives to stay away from violence and crime.

To conclude, let me restate the importance of extracurricular activities. They benefit students by helping them succeed in their school work, teaching them the skills needed in today's world, and providing them with a better option than violence. Since these after school programs are so helpful in a student's life, schools really need to sponsor more of them. After school programs ensure the well being of the students both physically, mentally, and emotionally. Extracurricular activities are modern day super heroes, helping students in everything they do and providing them with a way to do even better in all the aspects of their lives- both now and in the very near future. After all, the students of today are the citizens of tomorrow. Let's make them as successful as we can.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that schools should continue to provide extracurricular activities because they benefit the students. (“Extracurricular activities have so many beneficial effects on students that it is a wonder why schools don't provide more of them!”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“With all the pushing, shoving, scratching, and biting to get to the top in our economy today, it is very important that students learn the skills they need to succeed. When students engage in extracurricular activities they learn more about themselves and what their talents are. The most common skills that are learned in extracurricular activities are time management and social skills. These talents are especially needed in today's society. First, students learn how to manage their time when they participate in extracurricular activities because they need to know how to spend their time between their schoolwork, family, and after school activities. At the same time, they become skilled at distinguishing their priorities. Next, in addition to time management, students learn the value of social skills. Laura Bestler is the assistant director of the student activities at the Student Activities Center. She once remarked, ‘Extracurricular activities are an effective way to network and meet other people with whom the students can study.’ To add the Bestler's comment, Erin Fowkes stated: ‘Extracurricular activities teach students to work in teams and work cooperatively, skills that will help students be successful in school and attain jobs in the future.’ Students will naturally learn more about the real world and will learn additional skills to those received in the classroom.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Since these after school programs are so helpful in a student's life, schools really need to sponsor more of them. After school programs ensure the well being of the students both physically, mentally, and emotionally. Extracurricular activities are modern day super heroes, helping students in everything they do and providing them with a way to do even better in all the aspects of their lives- both now and in the very near future. After all, the students of today are the citizens of tomorrow. Let's make them as successful as we can.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the benefits of extracurricular activities and why schools should provide them. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Although some people might think that extracurricular activities take up too much of students' time causing them to do poorly in their schoolwork, that is not the case. Students who get involved in extracurricular activities actually receive better grades than those who do not. As evidence for this, a survey conducted by the Minnesota State High School League in 2007 confirmed that students who participated in athletics perform better in school than other students. Athletes who participated in this survey had an average grade point average of 2.84 compared to 2.68 for students not participating in sports. Most students who are involved with a sport or club have to maintain a certain grade point average and attendance record to continue participating in that activity. This means that each student will try harder in their education because they want to stay in their sport or club. After school activities help students learn how to concentrate and to stay determined. Exercising these abilities in school will greatly improve their grades.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Another study done by the National Federation of High School Activities also reported that students who participate in extracurricular activities have better attendance, higher GPAs, and lower dropout rates. Not only does participating in extracurricular programs help struggling students to stay in school, extracurricular programs also help students who are already doing well in their school assignments to do even better. Doesn't that sound great- students with improved grades as a result of them getting involved in extracurricular activities they enjoy?”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to the readers. The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate. (“The most active hours for juvenile crime and youth becoming victims of violence are between the hours of 3 and 6 p.m. If students are occupied in something else at that time instead, their chances of being caught up in violence are greatly reduced. Mary Rombokas sums up her research of this subject: ‘High school athletes were considerably less involved in school-related deviance, non-school related deviance, drug, alcohol, and tobacco abuse, and serious offenses with the law.’ Wouldn't you rather have teens getting scraped up in sports than getting into a scrape with the law? Extracurricular activities give students positive alternatives to stay away from violence and crime.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Imagine a student who completely excels in school, has a lot of friends, and stays out of trouble by staying active instead. Doesn't it sound like this person has a great life? This is how it is for many students all over America because they participate in extracurricular activities. Many teens participate in after school programs. Why? Well there are very many benefits in getting involved with different clubs and sports. First, extracurricular activities help students do better in their education both now and in the future. Next, the activities which students participate in teach real-world skills and help them have a set path in their life by showing them where their talents lie. Finally, when students are involved in extracurricular activities, they are provided with a healthy alternative from getting involved with crime and drugs. Extracurricular activities have so many beneficial effects on students that it is a wonder why schools don't provide more of them!”)

The writer uses transitions such as “in addition,” “at the same time,” “to add,” and “to conclude” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“First, students learn how to manage their time when they participate in extracurricular activities because they need to know how to spend their time between their schoolwork, family, and after school activities. At the same time, they become skilled at distinguishing their priorities. Next, in addition to time management, students learn the value of social skills. Laura Bestler is the assistant director of the student activities at the Student Activities Center. She once remarked, ‘Extracurricular activities are an effective way to network and meet other people with whom the students can study.’ To add the Bestler's comment, Erin Fowkes stated: ‘Extracurricular activities teach students to work in teams and work cooperatively, skills that will help students be successful in school and attain jobs in the future.’ Students will naturally learn more about the real world and will learn additional skills to those received in the classroom.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“To conclude, let me restate the importance of extracurricular activities. They benefit students by helping them succeed in their school work, teaching them the skills needed in today's world, and providing them with a better option than violence. Since these after school programs are so helpful in a student's life, schools really need to sponsor more of them. After school programs ensure the well being of the students both physically, mentally, and emotionally. Extracurricular activities are modern day super heroes, helping students in everything they do and providing them with a way to do even better in all the aspects of their lives- both now and in the very near future. After all, the students of today are the citizens of tomorrow. Let's make them as successful as we can.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Doesn't it sound like this person has a great life? This is how it is for many students all over America because they participate in extracurricular activities. Many teens participate in after school programs. Why? Well there are very many benefits in getting involved with different clubs and sports. First, extracurricular activities help students do better in their education both now and in the future. Next, the activities which students participate in teach real-world skills and help them have a set path in their life by showing them where their talents lie. Finally, when students are involved in extracurricular activities, they are provided with a healthy alternative from getting involved with crime and drugs. Extracurricular activities have so many beneficial effects on students that it is a wonder why schools don't provide more of them!”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Another study done by the National Federation of High School Activities also reported that students who participate in extracurricular activities have better attendance, higher GPAs, and lower dropout rates. Not only does participating in extracurricular programs help struggling students to stay in school, extracurricular programs also help students who are already doing well in their school assignments to do even better. Doesn't that sound great- students with improved grades as a result of them getting involved in extracurricular activities they enjoy?”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“With all the pushing, shoving, scratching, and biting to get to the top in our economy today, it is very important that students learn the skills they need to succeed. When students engage in extracurricular activities they learn more about themselves and what their talents are. The most common skills that are learned in extracurricular activities are time management and social skills. These talents are especially needed in today's society. First, students learn how to manage their time when they participate in extracurricular activities because they need to know how to spend their time between their schoolwork, family, and after school activities. At the same time, they become skilled at distinguishing their priorities.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Another study done by the National Federation of High School Activities also reported that students who participate in extracurricular activities have better attendance, higher GPAs, and lower dropout rates. Not only does participating in extracurricular programs help struggling students to stay in school, extracurricular programs also help students who are already doing well in their school assignments to do even better. Doesn't that sound great- students with improved grades as a result of them getting involved in extracurricular activities they enjoy?”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Extracurricular activities are beneficial. Imagine a world where everyone had extracurricular activities. Everyone enjoyed them, but leisure time was scarce. Extracurricular activities and curricular activities took so much of people's time. This is the world some of us live in. We have a wide variety of activities, and they are really beneficial, especially when they are used to further a person's understanding of our world. However, they can be harmful if it takes too much of our time.

First of all, there are many excellent extracurricular activities that are applied to school. They not only teach you, but they make it fun. Math clubs are a good example. They help enhance your knowledge, and they are made fun by playing various games. Another reason is because they teach you important life lessons. Sports, for instance, aren't only just fun to play; they teach you life lessons like sportsmanship and social communication.

Besides that, extracurricular activities provide a good opportunity to make friends. In Sports, social communication is required in order to succeed, and this will help you make new friends. I have a personal story about this. When I do more extracurricular activities like baseball and scouting, I make new friends that I know are fun to be around because they enjoy the same things I do.

Obviously, the people who should do certain extracurricular activities are the ones who enjoy them. The extracurricular activities would be wasteful if the person participating in it doesn't enjoy it. They should also do the activities when it is most sufficient for them. When conflicts occur, choices are going to have to be made. This can help prepare you for greater decision-making in the future.

The reason why I say extracurricular activities aren't always beneficial is because if one participates in too many extracurricular activities, they could have stress issues, headaches, and many other problems. Studies show migraines are a major cause of stress, and packed schedules cause stress. They won't have time to enjoy being who they are. A good balanced schedule would include one or two extracurricular activities each day, with plenty of time to relax and enjoy yourself.

In conclusion, extracurricular activities can be beneficial, as long as they're balanced and well managed. These activities help those who are in need of extra help, and many extracurricular activities, such as sports, help with life lessons as well as the physical condition of your body. These reasons I stated supported my thesis, and that is why I believe extracurricular activities are beneficial.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“We have a wide variety of activities, and they are really beneficial, especially when they are used to further a person's understanding of our world. However, they can be harmful if it takes too much of our time. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“First of all, there are many excellent extracurricular activities that are applied to school. They not only teach you, but they make it fun. Math clubs are a good example. They help enhance your knowledge, and they are made fun by playing various games. Another reason is because they teach you important life lessons. Sports, for instance, aren't only just fun to play; they teach you life lessons like sportsmanship and social communication. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Obviously, the people who should do certain extracurricular activities are the ones who enjoy them. The extracurricular activities would be wasteful if the person participating in it doesn't enjoy it. They should also do the activities when it is most sufficient for them. When conflicts occur, choices are going to have to be made. This can help prepare you for greater decision-making in the future. ”)

Content & Development

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“Besides that, extracurricular activities provide a good opportunity to make friends. In Sports, social communication is required in order to succeed, and this will help you make new friends. I have a personal story about this. When I do more extracurricular activities like baseball and scouting, I make new friends that I know are fun to be around because they enjoy the same things I do. ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. He/she addresses the negative aspects of afterschool activities and explains that a balanced schedule is the key. (“The reason why I say extracurricular activities aren't always beneficial is because if one participates in too many extracurricular activities, they could have stress issues, headaches, and many other problems. Studies show migraines are a major cause of stress, and packed schedules cause stress. They won't have time to enjoy being who they are. A good balanced schedule would include one or two extracurricular activities each day, with plenty of time to relax and enjoy yourself. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“First of all, there are many excellent extracurricular activities that are applied to school. They not only teach you, but they make it fun. Math clubs are a good example. They help enhance your knowledge, and they are made fun by playing various games. Another reason is because they teach you important life lessons. Sports, for instance, aren't only just fun to play; they teach you life lessons like sportsmanship and social communication. ”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Extracurricular activities are beneficial. Imagine a world where everyone had extracurricular activities. Everyone enjoyed them, but leisure time was scarce. Extracurricular activities and curricular activities took so much of people's time. This is the world some of us live in. We have a wide variety of activities, and they are really beneficial, especially when they are used to further a person's understanding of our world. However, they can be harmful if it takes too much of our time. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Besides that, extracurricular activities provide a good opportunity to make friends. In Sports, social communication is required in order to succeed, and this will help you make new friends. I have a personal story about this. When I do more extracurricular activities like baseball and scouting, I make new friends that I know are fun to be around because they enjoy the same things I do. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, extracurricular activities can be beneficial, as long as they're balanced and well managed. These activities help those who are in need of extra help, and many extracurricular activities, such as sports, help with life lessons as well as the physical condition of your body. These reasons I stated supported my thesis, and that is why I believe extracurricular activities are beneficial. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“In conclusion, extracurricular activities can be beneficial, as long as they're balanced and well managed. These activities help those who are in need of extra help, and many extracurricular activities, such as sports, help with life lessons as well as the physical condition of your body. These reasons I stated supported my thesis, and that is why I believe extracurricular activities are beneficial. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Obviously, the people who should do certain extracurricular activities are the ones who enjoy them. The extracurricular activities would be wasteful if the person participating in it doesn't enjoy it. They should also do the activities when it is most sufficient for them. When conflicts occur, choices are going to have to be made. This can help prepare you for greater decision-making in the future. ”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Short sentences are interspersed with longer ones. (“First of all, there are many excellent extracurricular activities that are applied to school. They not only teach you, but they make it fun. Math clubs are a good example. They help enhance your knowledge, and they are made fun by playing various games. Another reason is because they teach you important life lessons. Sports, for instance, aren't only just fun to play; they teach you life lessons like sportsmanship and social communication. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“The reason why I say extracurricular activities aren't always beneficial is because if one participates in too many extracurricular activities, they could have stress issues, headaches, and many other problems. Studies show migraines are a major cause of stress, and packed schedules cause stress. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think they shouldn't cut extracurricular activities. I don't personally do a whole lot, I usually go to make up work that I have. It still brings a huge advantage to my life though. Their are others who think the same I'm sure. There's no reason to cut them. Sure they lose a little sleep, they have problems balancing schedules, and takes up time, but there are many problems with these excuses.

First of all, most students who are at these extracurricular activities want to be there. If they don't want to be there, they can go home and do what they need to do. If it's because a parent signed up their student without their say, then that is a problem the student can handle. They can either stand up to their parents, secretly take out their name, or take it to one of the school administrators.

Secondly, is the problem with sleep. If students are not getting enough sleep, that is not because of extracurricular activities. If a student immediatly comes home from school, they are not going to immediatly take a nap. I know a lot of students from different grade levels and what they do when they get home. Most of them do homework. If a student were to have a big project due the next day, they would normally stay up all night to get the project done. That is why most students don't get enough sleep. If people are concerned about it, they need to tell teachers to cut back on the amount of homework students recieve. But no matter what you do, there is always going to be a few who do stay up for fun.

Next of the problems is the problem of balancing schedules. If a student has a problem with their inability to balance, it is because of the lack of thought that was put into it. If students thought about their schedules/ lives more, then they would plan them out more efficiently. If they lack knowledge in how to plan it out, their parents/administrators should be able to teach them.

Finally the last of these problems is the time it takes for the activities. This kind of goes with planning schedules, but listen to this. Student athletes missed only 7.4 days of school, of classes they struggle with, instead of the normal 8.8. Tht is a huge improvement because they spend more time in classes then they do out. That means more questions and thoughts, which means better grades. If they still have problems, they can talk to teachers about tutors, afterschool, during lunch, and more! The amount of time really shouldn't be a problem for students.

That is what I think should be done instead of cutting after school activities. The problems of not enough sleep, too much time being taken, and schedules is not the fault of extracurricular activities. It is the fault of the students, teachers, and parents.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about eliminating extracurricular activities and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I think they shouldn't cut extracurricular activities.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“There's no reason to cut them. Sure they lose a little sleep, they have problems balancing schedules, and takes up time, but there are many problems with these excuses.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“That is what I think should be done instead of cutting after school activities. The problems of not enough sleep, too much time being taken, and schedules is not the fault of extracurricular activities. It is the fault of the students, teachers, and parents.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. He/she addresses several of the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument that there is no good reason to cut extracurricular activities after school. (“Secondly, is the problem with sleep. If students are not getting enough sleep, that is not because of extracurricular activities. If a student immediatly comes home from school, they are not going to immediatly take a nap. I know a lot of students from different grade levels and what they do when they get home. Most of them do homework. If a student were to have a big project due the next day, they would normally stay up all night to get the project done. That is why most students don't get enough sleep. If people are concerned about it, they need to tell teachers to cut back on the amount of homework students recieve. But no matter what you do, there is always going to be a few who do stay up for fun.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Next of the problems is the problem of balancing schedules. If a student has a problem with their inability to balance, it is because of the lack of thought that was put into it. If students thought about their schedules/ lives more, then they would plan them out more efficiently. If they lack knowledge in how to plan it out, their parents/administrators should be able to teach them.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer addresses three counterarguments and proves his/her point by disproving opponents’ “excuses.” The writer integrates statistics, examples, and experiences to bolster his/her point of view throughout the essay. (“Finally the last of these problems is the time it takes for the activities. This kind of goes with planning schedules, but listen to this. Student athletes missed only 7.4 days of school, of classes they struggle with, instead of the normal 8.8. Tht is a huge improvement because they spend more time in classes then they do out. That means more questions and thoughts, which means better grades. If they still have problems, they can talk to teachers about tutors, afterschool, during lunch, and more! The amount of time really shouldn't be a problem for students.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“I think they shouldn't cut extracurricular activities. I don't personally do a whole lot, I usually go to make up work that I have. It still brings a huge advantage to my life though. Their are others who think the same I'm sure. There's no reason to cut them. Sure they lose a little sleep, they have problems balancing schedules, and takes up time, but there are many problems with these excuses.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first of all,” “secondly,” and “finally,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“First of all, most students who are at these extracurricular activities want to be there. If they don't want to be there, they can go home and do what they need to do. If it's because a parent signed up their student without their say, then that is a problem the student can handle. They can either stand up to their parents, secretly take out their name, or take it to one of the school administrators.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“That is what I think should be done instead of cutting after school activities. The problems of not enough sleep, too much time being taken, and schedules is not the fault of extracurricular activities. It is the fault of the students, teachers, and parents.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“First of all, most students who are at these extracurricular activities want to be there. If they don't want to be there, they can go home and do what they need to do. If it's because a parent signed up their student without their say, then that is a problem the student can handle. They can either stand up to their parents, secretly take out their name, or take it to one of the school administrators.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Next of the problems is the problem of balancing schedules. If a student has a problem with their inability to balance, it is because of the lack of thought that was put into it. If students thought about their schedules/ lives more, then they would plan them out more efficiently. If they lack knowledge in how to plan it out, their parents/administrators should be able to teach them.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Finally the last of these problems is the time it takes for the activities. This kind of goes with planning schedules, but listen to this. Student athletes missed only 7.4 days of school, of classes they struggle with, instead of the normal 8.8. Tht is a huge improvement because they spend more time in classes then they do out. That means more questions and thoughts, which means better grades. If they still have problems, they can talk to teachers about tutors, afterschool, during lunch, and more! The amount of time really shouldn't be a problem for students.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Extracurricular activities are essential to a kid's life. Without them their lives wouldn't be any fun. They help build skills that you can use for your whole lives. They even take some of the pressure off of school. If you drop these activities' people will be bored to the point of getting in trouble.

Think of all the good things that come out of extracurricular activities. Then think of the bad things. The good things obviously outweigh the bad ones. Even if you don't like these things' at least you have the option to do it. I play soccer four days a week and practice piano for thirty minutes every day. Take these things out of my life and I'll be bored out of my mind.

Extra curricular help you learn a lot. Playing an instrument helps develop your brain, and sports develop your muscles. I play piano and I think it helps me concentrate better in subjects like math and reading. When I was little I wasn't any good at sports but I decided to play soccer. After a few games I realized that I was pretty good at it and I was glad I played. I still play piano and soccer to this day.

Extracurricular activitie's are great and a kid needs them to have fun. They develop their minds, and strengthen their bodies. Mostly it just gives them something to do. If you drop these activities kids will not be the person they have potential to become.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. Although the writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of whether or not schools should eliminate extracurricular activities, he/she may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ Extracurricular activities are essential to a kid's life. Without them their lives wouldn't be any fun. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Think of all the good things that come out of extracurricular activities. Then think of the bad things. The good things obviously outweigh the bad ones. Even if you don't like these things' at least you have the option to do it. I play soccer four days a week and practice piano for thirty minutes every day. Take these things out of my life and I'll be bored out of my mind. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of his/her point of view. (“ Extra curricular help you learn a lot. Playing an instrument helps develop your brain, and sports develop your muscles. I play piano and I think it helps me concentrate better in subjects like math and reading. When I was little I wasn't any good at sports but I decided to play soccer. After a few games I realized that I was pretty good at it and I was glad I played. I still play piano and soccer to this day. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against the elimination of extracurricular activities. The writer does attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“Think of all the good things that come out of extracurricular activities. Then think of the bad things. The good things obviously outweigh the bad ones. Even if you don't like these things' at least you have the option to do it. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for being involved in music and sports, it does not effectively argue the writer’s position on schools eliminating these activities . (“Extra curricular help you learn a lot. Playing an instrument helps develop your brain, and sports develop your muscles. I play piano and I think it helps me concentrate better in subjects like math and reading. When I was little I wasn't any good at sports but I decided to play soccer. After a few games I realized that I was pretty good at it and I was glad I played. I still play piano and soccer to this day. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“ Think of all the good things that come out of extracurricular activities. Then think of the bad things. The good things obviously outweigh the bad ones. Even if you don't like these things' at least you have the option to do it. I play soccer four days a week and practice piano for thirty minutes every day. Take these things out of my life and I'll be bored out of my mind. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks in providing effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering a strong statement about the topic. In this case, the writer addresses the importance of extracurricular activities in a student’s life. (“ Extracurricular activities are essential to a kid's life. Without them their lives wouldn't be any fun. They help build skills that you can use for your whole lives. They even take some of the pressure off of school. If you drop these activities' people will be bored to the point of getting in trouble. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“Extra curricular help you learn a lot. Playing an instrument helps develop your brain, and sports develop your muscles. I play piano and I think it helps me concentrate better in subjects like math and reading. When I was little I wasn't any good at sports but I decided to play soccer. After a few games I realized that I was pretty good at it and I was glad I played. I still play piano and soccer to this day. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way by restating arguments about the benefits of extracurricular activities. The essay needs a stronger conclusion that will leave the readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“ Extracurricular activitie's are great and a kid needs them to have fun. They develop their minds, and strengthen their bodies. Mostly it just gives them something to do. If you drop these activities kids will not be the person they have potential to become. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Think of all the good things that come out of extracurricular activities. Then think of the bad things. The good things obviously outweigh the bad ones. ”)

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Extra curricular help you learn a lot. Playing an instrument helps develop your brain, and sports develop your muscles. I play piano and I think it helps me concentrate better in subjects like math and reading. When I was little I wasn't any good at sports but I decided to play soccer. After a few games I realized that I was pretty good at it and I was glad I played. I still play piano and soccer to this day. ”)

The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“Even if you don't like these things' at least you have the option to do it. I play soccer four days a week and practice piano for thirty minutes every day. Take these things out of my life and I'll be bored out of my mind. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Extracurricullar Activities:Beneficial or Not?

Do you think that we should get rite of Extracurricullar activities or not? I think that we should keep extracurricullar activities, because it keeps kids do thing and activities so they are always active.If we keep them going we will have kids doing sports,chess,and etc.It will have less kids on the couch watching tv and playing video games and be do things with there minds and abillites.

Having extracurricullar activites can change the moods and help kids inprove there self.It can also help them not be tardy and make kids want to come to school.It can also help kids keep there grades up,they will want to so that the can keep doing the extracurricular activities.Ectracurricullar Activities can also help kids want to go to bed on time so if the have a sport event coming up the can have the sleep so they can be ready for it.It will also help kids eat healther and stay active.If they have activities to do. If we keep the extra activites students can get scolerships to good school and have big careers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states an opinion /position/thesis about keeping extracurricular activities in the schools. (“ Do you think that we should get rite of Extracurricullar activities or not? I think that we should keep extracurricullar activities, because it keeps kids do thing and activities so they are always active. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ Having extracurricullar activites can change the moods and help kids inprove there self.It can also help them not be tardy and make kids want to come to school.It can also help kids keep there grades up,they will want to so that the can keep doing the extracurricular activities. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ Activities can also help kids want to go to bed on time so if the have a sport event coming up the can have the sleep so they can be ready for it.It will also help kids eat healther and stay active.If they have activities to do. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on whether or not extracurricular activities are beneficial. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the benefits of afterschool activities. (“ If we keep them going we will have kids doing sports,chess,and etc.It will have less kids on the couch watching tv and playing video games and be do things with there minds and abillites. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ Having extracurricullar activites can change the moods and help kids inprove there self.It can also help them not be tardy and make kids want to come to school.It can also help kids keep there grades up,they will want to so that the can keep doing the extracurricular activities. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay response that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to jump from one idea to the next without explanation. (“ Ectracurricullar Activities can also help kids want to go to bed on time so if the have a sport event coming up the can have the sleep so they can be ready for it.It will also help kids eat healther and stay active.If they have activities to do. If we keep the extra activites students can get scolerships to good school and have big careers. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer uses a question in the introduction, which asks the readers for a yes or no response without engaging them in the topic of discussion. Therefore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Do you think that we should get rite of Extracurricullar activities or not? I think that we should keep extracurricullar activities, because it keeps kids do thing and activities so they are always active. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. In addition, the writer uses the transition “also” in every sentence, which creates the effect of listing benefits of activities instead of explaining those benefits. (“ Having extracurricullar activites can change the moods and help kids inprove there self.It can also help them not be tardy and make kids want to come to school.It can also help kids keep there grades up,they will want to so that the can keep doing the extracurricular activities.Ectracurricullar Activities can also help kids want to go to bed on time so if the have a sport event coming up the can have the sleep so they can be ready for it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“If we keep them going we will have kids doing sports,chess,and etc.It will have less kids on the couch watching tv and playing video games and be do things with there minds and abillites.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“It can also help kids keep there grades up,they will want to so that the can keep doing the extracurricular activities. ”)

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay response, the writer could create a more effective argument. (“Ectracurricullar Activities can also help kids want to go to bed on time so if the have a sport event coming up the can have the sleep so they can be ready for it.It will also help kids eat healther and stay active.If they have activities to do. If we keep the extra activites students can get scolerships to good school and have big careers. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I disagree because that means more class time. We also need time to go out side and run around and have fun. And it is exsrsis so it would be good for us and stuff like that. You could also become a coach are a art techer or a gym techer. Or play in the akchwlo sport and such and such. And it will give u a job in life later and get paid good money.

And u can teach ur kid how to play that sport. And then u will know alot more about that sport to tell people about. u could also go to colige. And len more about it and play in it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. The writer fails to mention that he/she disagrees with the elimination of extracurricular activities. (“ I disagree because that means more class time. We also need time to go out side and run around and have fun. And it is exsrsis so it would be good for us and stuff like that. ”)

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. (“ You could also become a coach are a art techer or a gym techer. Or play in the akchwlo sport and such and such. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ And u can teach ur kid how to play that sport. And then u will know alot more about that sport to tell people about. u could also go to colige. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of extracurricular activities. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“We also need time to go out side and run around and have fun. And it is exsrsis so it would be good for us and stuff like that. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“I disagree because that means more class time. We also need time to go out side and run around and have fun. And it is exsrsis so it would be good for us and stuff like that. You could also become a coach are a art techer or a gym techer. Or play in the akchwlo sport and such and such. And it will give u a job in life later and get paid good money… And u can teach ur kid how to play that sport. And then u will know alot more about that sport to tell people about. u could also go to colige. And len more about it and play in it.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how activities will lead to a job in the future. (“You could also become a coach are a art techer or a gym techer. Or play in the akchwlo sport and such and such. And it will give u a job in life later and get paid good money. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I disagree because that means more class time. We also need time to go out side and run around and have fun. And it is exsrsis so it would be good for us and stuff like that. ”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“ And u can teach ur kid how to play that sport. And then u will know alot more about that sport to tell people about. u could also go to colige. And len more about it and play in it. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“ u could also go to colige. And len more about it and play in it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“I disagree because that means more class time. We also need time to go out side and run around and have fun. And it is exsrsis so it would be good for us and stuff like that. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“You could also become a coach are a art techer or a gym techer. Or play in the akchwlo sport and such and such. And it will give u a job in life later and get paid good money. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ And u can teach ur kid how to play that sport. And then u will know alot more about that sport to tell people about. u could also go to colige. And len more about it and play in it. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Finding an Envelope Full of Money

You and a friend are shopping in the mall when your friend finds an unmarked envelope filled with several hundred dollars. There is no identification showing the owner of the money or the envelope. You must persuade your friend to either keep it or turn it in to security.

Write a multi-paragraph essay presenting your opinion as to whether your friend should keep or turn in the envelope containing several hundred dollars. Include facts and details to support your opinion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I cannot come to understand how lucky my best friend is! She's as lucky as a leprechaun. We were gingerly strolling through the shopping center when she found an envelope that was congested with bills that added up to a whopping 500 dollars! She was absolutely ecstatic! There are countless amounts of scenarios rapidly running through her cerebrum at this current moment. She is the most likely pondering about all the exquisite items the she can procure for herself, and for her less than gifted family. It would definitely be absolutely delightful to be the owner of all of that money. My best friend has always been a noble and honorable person, but has often had financial problems. This was what she really needed. She is facing a difficult dilemma in this situation. She surely needs to contemplate this situation and make a correct and positive decision that she won't regret. I have trust that she will make the right decision.

There are numerous reasons that she would keep the money, as it would greatly benefit her. My best friend did find money that didn't belong to her, but almost any two-legged, upright-walking, male would keep it. In such a pathetic economy which we are living in, $500 dollars is incredibly valuable. With this, she could supply herself with many dictionaries, thesauruses, and other resources to learn new and big words. The sesquipedalian club for people who use big words frequently has long avoided my best friend and that is near her grasp. Another reason is that she could procure many expensive and exquisite items that she has never had the ability to buy. If she can buy many new things she could become the bellwether of her class with new and popular objects and fashions. Finally, she can keep the money for the benefit of her family, who has been on the verge of going bankrupt; 500 dollars could possibly be used to pay off some bills or mortgages.

Although there are many profitable reasons to keep the money, there is also some notable reasons to return the money. One reason to return the money is that the person is most likely devastated by losing this high amount of money. Another scenario is that he could be in distress or in dire straits and his health and well-being could rest on having the money. This money could also be extremely conspicuous, possibly for bills or past debts to be paid. This money is a positively great happening, but the she seemed to be fine with living with only the items that she had. The money may not be needed. Another reason is that there is other ways to become a sesquipedalian such as spending a myriad of hours at the library, or by using the Internet on the computer that her family recently bought. She could also take the high road and gain the money herself through a few minor burdensome tasks, and being a hard-working person.

My best friend just made her final decision about whether to keep the money or to discard it and I am absolutely, positively sure that she made a choice she won't regret. In the end, she kept the money and I completely agree that that was the correct decision. She has said that she will keep the money because she could really use the 500 dollars to finally procure the dictionaries and thesauruses to become the sesquipedalian she's always dreamed of being. Besides, dictionaries and thesauruses, there are countless other things that could be bought with her new found profit. Another thing that made up her mind was that if she turned it in, what are the odds that the person who lost it will go there looking for it? They are almost miniscule! You may say that turning it in would be the nice decision, but really, what would you do? I suspect many people would be grateful and would be perfectly happy to keep the money for themselves.

In the end she kept the money. It may not be the most politically correct thing to do, but it's her decision and I agree with it entirely. I am really looking forward to becoming a sesquipedalian with my friend with her new bought dictionaries and thesauruses. She is going to have a wonderful time with all of her new gadgets and accouterments she can procure with all of the money she has. No matter what she does with the money, I would still think that it was the correct decision for her to make. The person who lost it is probably having one of the worst, saddest and most melancholy days of their life, but when lady luck comes walking by, you have to take advantage.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade the readers. He or she demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at beginning of the introduction. (“ I cannot come to understand how lucky my best friend is! She's as lucky as a leprechaun.”)

Sufficient background information is provided to help readers unfamiliar with the prompt understand the purpose of the response. (“ We were gingerly strolling through the shopping center when she found an envelope that was congested with bills that added up to a whopping 500 dollars! She was absolutely ecstatic!”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ My best friend has always been a noble and honorable person, but has often had financial problems. This was what she really needed.”)

Content & Development

The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the writer’s own opinion. (“ Although there are many profitable reasons to keep the money, there is also some notable reasons to return the money.”)

The writer effectively restates questions and counterarguments in order to add more details to his/her reasons and support. (“ This money is a positively great happening, but the she seemed to be fine with living with only the items that she had. The money may not be needed.”)

The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ If she can buy many new things she could become the bellwether of her class with new and popular objects and fashions.”)

Organization

The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. Strong language is especially helpful at engaging readers and keeping their attention. (“ She was absolutely ecstatic! There are countless amounts of scenarios rapidly running through her cerebrum at this current moment.”)

The essay uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. (“ Although there are many profitable reasons to keep the money, there is also some notable reasons to return the money.”)

The essay also includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“ This money is a positively great happening, but the she seemed to be fine with living with only the items that she had.”)

The conclusion provides readers with a brief summary of the ideas presented along with a sense of closure. (“ The person who lost it is probably having one of the worst, saddest and most melancholy days of their life, but when lady luck comes walking by, you have to take advantage.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. Specifically, the use of language helps readers envision the scenario the writer presents. (“ Another reason is that she could procure many expensive and exquisite items that she has never had the ability to buy. If she can buy many new things she could become the bellwether of her class with new and popular objects and fashions.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ Finally, she can keep the money for the benefit of her family, who has been on the verge of going bankrupt; 500 dollars could possibly be used to pay off some bills or mortgages.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. (“ Although there are many profitable reasons to keep the money, there is also some notable reasons to return the money.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It contains few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“We were gingerly strolling through the shopping center when she found an envelope that was congested with bills that added up to a whopping 500 dollars! She was absolutely ecstatic!”)

Semicolons are used correctly in the essay. (“Finally, she can keep the money for the benefit of her family, who has been on the verge of going bankrupt; 500 dollars could possibly be used to pay off some bills or mortgages.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning. (“ Although there are many profitable reasons to keep the money, there is also some notable reasons to return the money.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Don't be a dummy; instead spend that money at the shops and stores nearby. I think that my friend doesn't need to turn the mysterious package of money that he found in the mall. He might think he should so he doesn't get into trouble, but there are at least 3 ways of being able to get away with it. He could go looking at stores and seeing if he should buy something. If he sees a security guard he could turn it in if he doesn't want to get in trouble. There is also the possibility that he buys something and gives the rest of the money to someone. If he is scared of getting caught there are a few ways of making sure you don't get caught.

He could go around stores and be about to buy something when a security guard comes by. He might be too scared to buy, so he turns it in. This is one of the safest ways to escape having to turn the money in. My friend might need the money, but he doesn’t want to get caught using money that doesn’t belong to him. To avoid the risk, he could turn it in, but what if he needs some money for lunch or some other important item? If the original owner doesn't need anything, but wants money, the guy might not show up and my friend John might be able to ask if he could have it. If it turns out that the guards are looking for the envelope with money, he could ask for a reward. These are some simple ideas that could save my friend a lot of trouble.

If he only needs some money to buy one thing, he could get rid of the rest of the money. With this money he could buy an item that he always wanted and give the rest away so he feels like he's doing something good. There might be a game that he always wanted and all his friends have but he doesn't. He could buy it and put the money back where he found it. John might be sugar hungry and get some candy, not want the money and throw it when no one’s looking. The arcade might be open so he could buy some coins and donate the rest to charity. If he's hungry he could buy lunch and "accidentally" leave the money at the table. The heat might be too hot and he could want to get some ice cream to cool down and leave the money by the store.

If he thinks he's going to get caught, think again. There's only a few ways to get caught and one's if the guards catch him buying some goods. Supposing a guard goes up and asks you what's in the envelope, you can just say that you had found it and was going to turn it in. He should probably plan out his objective before going in to a store and spending hundreds of dollars on clothes. The cashier would probably think this is highly suspicious. I suggest that he make sure that he doesn't use it all at once. This way, he might be fine and would attract no unwanted attention. When he is going around town, he should refrain from bragging. If he just buys games and candy it will look suspicious, so buy some books to look less obvious to concerned adults. If my friend follows these rules he’ll be fine.

In conclusion, he has a lot of different choices about what he should spend the money on, but I think it’s obvious he should keep the majority of it for himself. He could try to buy something but turn it in to a security guard if he chickens out. There's the choice to buy and get rid of the rest. Maybe he might want to cash it all in and test his chances. There's still the chance me might get caught but then, what's the fun in turning it in?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade the readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Don't be a dummy; instead spend that money at the shops and stores nearby.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. In this case, the writer successfully lists ways in which the friend could spend the money. (“The arcade might be open so he could buy some coins and donate the rest to charity. If he's hungry he could buy lunch and "accidentally" leave the money at the table.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ He might think he should so he doesn't get into trouble, but there are at least 3 ways of being able to get away with it.”)

While the topic is somewhat informal, the essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“ My friend might need the money, but he doesn’t want to get caught using money that doesn’t belong to him.”)

Essays at this level never have irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning. In this case, most of the content is directly related to the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a counterargument. (“If he thinks he's going to get caught, think again. There's only a few ways to get caught and one's if the guards catch him buying some goods.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ If the original owner doesn't need anything, but wants money, the guy might not show up and my friend John might be able to ask if he could have it.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“ He should probably plan out his objective before going in to a store and spending hundreds of dollars on clothes. The cashier would probably think this is highly suspicious. I suggest that he make sure that he doesn't use it all at once.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning to help define that paragraph’s content.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Don't be a dummy; instead spend that money at the shops and stores nearby.”)

The thesis is stated at the end of the introduction. (“I think that my friend doesn't need to turn the mysterious package of money that he found in the mall.”)

The writer uses transitions to help move from one reason or idea to the next. (“ In conclusion, he has a lot of different choices about what he should spend the money on, but I think it’s obvious he should keep the majority of it for himself.”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ Maybe he might want to cash it all in and test his chances. There's still the chance me might get caught but then, what's the fun in turning it in?”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety.

The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. (“The arcade might be open so he could buy some coins and donate the rest to charity. If he's hungry he could buy lunch and 'accidentally' leave the money at the table.”)

Coherent use of style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay.

Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. (“ Supposing a guard goes up and asks you what's in the envelope, you can just say that you had found it and was going to turn it in.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action) and end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. (“My friend might need the money, but he doesn’t want to get caught using money that doesn’t belong to him.”)

Comma usage is generally correct, but there are some errors present. (“ If he sees a security guard he could turn it in if he doesn't want to get in trouble.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning. (“ He could buy it and put the money back where he found it. John might be sugar hungry and get some candy, not want the money and throw it when no one’s looking.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If you found an unmarked envelope filled with several hundred dollars in it, you should turn it in to the authorities because it is the right thing to do. It is wrong to pocket and keep the money. You never know, the money could be needed for something important. If you take it, it would be stealing; finding any money may be exhilarating but if you keep it, it may come to bite you back later.

First, if you found $700 in an envelope and kept it, it's very wrong and you may never be able to forgive yourself. When you do something bad, you never forget it and if you kept $700 that wasn't yours, it's about as ten times as bad. Guilt is a powerful feeling and can make you look back on things that you wish you hadn't done.

For example, what if the money was yours and someone took it? You would get mad if you didn't get it back and that's Second, the money could be needed for something life-threatening. If you found $700 it could be needed for something like a kidney transplant for a child. It could also be used for research on cancer or some other life-threatening disorder. An amount of money this large could go toward many different types of medical advancement. If you turned the money into security, you could be saving a person's life.

Last, finding $700 is a big deal but keeping it could get you caught and put in jail. When you take something that doesn't belong to you, it's stealing and can lead to many different problems. A person might say that it didn't have any clues on which it belonged to, so it was fair game. When you got caught, what you did would go on your permanent record and you will not be allowed you to be as free as you used to be. You would be watched daily and thought of as a criminal. There are many reasons why turning in the money would be a fantastic idea but thievery is the top reason.

Finding an unmarked envelope filled with money may be thrilling but if you turn it in it's always the finest idea. First, if you keep it, it's a mistake you could live with all your life. In addition, the money could belong to a life-saving organization. Last, taking it would be stealing and could ruin your life. Several hundred dollars is a lot of money but if you turn it in, you can always look back on it as the day you did a really good deed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes an opinion/position or thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers . The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and fulfills many parts of the task.

The writer consistently appeals to the readers’ emotions. (“ First, if you found $700 in an envelope and kept it, it's very wrong and you may never be able to forgive yourself.”)

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“ If you take it, it would be stealing. Finding any money may be exhilarating but if you keep it, it may come to bite you back later.”)

The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not include slang or other versions of informal language. (“ An amount of money this large could go toward many different types of medical advancement. If you turned the money into security, you could be saving a person's life.”)

Essays at this level rarely have irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It adequately addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ When you do something bad, you never forget it and if you kept $700 that wasn't yours, it's about as ten times as bad.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“It could also be used for research on cancer or some other life-threatening disorder. An amount of money this large could go toward many different types of medical advancement. ”)

At least three details are stated about each main idea. The writing includes three to five supporting details in a paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. Most details are clear, correct, and specific. (“ When you got caught, what you did would go on your permanent record and you will not be allowed you to be as free as you used to be. You would be watched daily and thought of as a criminal.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion as well as inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use s ome form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization.

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“ If you found an unmarked envelope filled with several hundred dollars in it, you should turn it in to the authorities because it is the right thing to do.”)

The essay uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. (“ For example, what if the money was yours and someone took it?”)

Reasons are presented in a logical order, with the most immediately pressing concern addressed first. (“ First, if you found $700 in an envelope and kept it, it's very wrong and you may never be able to forgive yourself.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. It summarizes some of the ideas presented and provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Several hundred dollars is a lot of money but if you turn it in, you can always look back on it as the day you did a really good deed.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Word choices are sometimes poor or confusing.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ When you got caught, what you did would go on your permanent record and you will not be allowed you to be as free as you used to be. You would be watched daily and thought of as a criminal.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. Occasionally, some sentences will make little or no sense and may need to be rephrased. (“You would get mad if you didn't get it back and that's Second, the money could be needed for something life-threatening.”)

Essays at this level occasionally contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“You would get mad if you didn't get it back and that's Second, the money could be needed for something life-threatening.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences contain a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ If you take it, it would be stealing; finding any money may be exhilarating but if you keep it, it may come to bite you back later.”)

Essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning. The writer could improve his/her comma usage. (“There are many reasons why turning in the money would be a fantastic idea but thievery is the top reason.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Did you remember last Sunday, we went to the park, and you saw an envelope? it has cash inside with the amount of 5 thousand dollars right ? You took it and you decided to keep it, but I think as one of you friend who cares for you. You should return the money to the owner of it.

I know that it's hard to decide what to do with the money that you got. Specially it has a big amount of money that can change your life, but I am here and I am your friend. I am a friend who knows what is good and what is bad. No matter what happen I will support your decision unless it is bad; so don't worry, because that's not your fault that you found that money. For me if you return it, the owner will be so happy and maybe he or she will give you a price. Your parents will be so proud, because they have an hnest and a kind heartd child.

did you know that the problem can bother you everyday of your life? I know you are thinking right now if you did the good thing, but just to help you, I will recommend you to return the money to the owner, or to someone who can help you to find the owner of the money. if no one claims it then you can keep it. at least you did the good and the best thing to do, and after that you will be happy.

You shold return the money that you got. Imagine if you return the money to the person who owned it. They will be so happy and thank you for what you did, or maybe they will tell other people that you are a nice kid.

I know you a lot because I am your friend, but you should return the money. You should not listen to the other people that convincing you not to return it and just spend it. That is not nice. You can just return it and if someone didn't take it, you can have it. So, you should return the money my friend. That's my advice for you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion/position or thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The writer also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience but does complete all parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“You took it and you decided to keep it, but I think as one of you friend who cares for you. You should return the money to the owner of it.”)

Essays at this level occasionally have irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. (“ They will be so happy and thank you for what you did, or maybe they will tell other people that you are a nice kid.”)

Other ideas may be on topic, but additional information is needed in order to make a full assessment. (“ did you know that the problem can bother you everyday of your life?”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. (“You shold return the money that you got. Imagine if you return the money to the person who owned it.”)

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the writer’s opinion. Additional details and specifics would be helpful. (“if no one claims it then you can keep it. at least you did the good and the best thing to do, and after that you will be happy.”)

At least three topic sentences are needed to elaborate on the main argument of the essay. The essay also needs three to five supporting details in each body paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. In this essay, the writer provides two strong ideas, but the third is weak and needs additional description. (“ You shold return the money that you got. Imagine if you return the money to the person who owned it. They will be so happy and thank you for what you did, or maybe they will tell other people that you are a nice kid.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. However, the thesis is very brief and does not give readers an idea of what to expect from the essay. (“You took it and you decided to keep it, but I think as one of you friend who cares for you. You should return the money to the owner of it.”)

Transitions are not consistently included between paragraphs or sentences. Transitions used are inadequate. (“So, you should return the money my friend. That's my advice for you.”)

The essay has a concluding paragraph that summarizes the theme of the response, but it does little to remind readers of the writer’s reasoning. Additional detail is necessary. (“I know you a lot because I am your friend, but you should return the money. You should not listen to the other people that convincing you not to return it and just spend it. That is not nice.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure and are difficult to understand. (“ I know you are thinking right now if you did the good thing, but just to help you, I will recommend you to return the money to the owner, or to someone who can help you to find the owner of the money. if no one claims it then you can keep it.”)

Some word use is questionable. (“ For me if you return it, the owner will be so happy and maybe he or she will give you a price.”) The writer should u se the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases.

Essays at this level generally have some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Spelling errors are present and damage the writer’s credibility. (“You shold return the money that you got. Imagine if you return the money to the person who owned it.”)

Comma use is sometimes questionable and often inappropriate. (“at least you did the good and the best thing to do, and after that you will be happy.”)

Capitalization is used correctly most of the time, but the writer fails to correctly capitalize the beginning of some sentences. (“did you know that the problem can bother you everyday of your life?”)

Essays at this level generally contain some errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present may impede meaning.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Finding $5 dollars on the street id different than finding $1,500. That could get you so much and it would do the same for me if I found it. If you find that much money in an envelope on the side of the street it would be really suspicios. Why would someone have that much money in an envelope and why would they be walking around with it.

That much money could change the persons life. $1,500 could be alot of things someone needs,like rent money. They could have just gotten paid and they lost it. Now they can't pay the rent due at the end of the week. The person could possibly be evicted and lose their home.The money also could be money for groceries and household supplies.

If you should find an enveope with $1,500 in it, then u should return it to its rightful owner. Imagine tht you just lost all that money; what would you do in that situation. You would go look, and retrace your steps. Once you lost your money, it would be hard to find a good citizen to return it to you. This money would impact yo

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task.

For example, the writer does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. The readers can infer the writer’s opinion, but this does not occur early in the essay. Instead, the introduction ends without a clear thesis. (“Why would someone have that much money in an envelope and why would they be walking around with it.”)

Language use may be insufficiently formal and inappropriate for the audience. In this case, the writer’s tone is appropriate and strikes a non-threatening, informative tone. (“The money also could be money for groceries and household supplies.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. Evidence that is provided has very little or no supporting details, and those details are sometimes repetitious. (“1,500 could be alot of things someone needs,like rent money. They could have just gotten paid and they lost it. Now they can't pay the rent due at the end of the week.”)

Essays should include at least three main ideas as evidence with additional details to support those ideas. In this essay, the writer only includes one or two ideas, and there is minimal supporting detail. (“That much money could change the persons life.”)

There is only a minimal attempt to anticipate and address possible counterarguments. (“ Imagine tht you just lost all that money; what would you do in that situation.”)

Organization

In this case, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. There is little background information, and it does very little to entice readers with a creative opening. (“Finding $5 dollars on the street id different than finding $1,500.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. There are few transitions between paragraphs or sentences. (“ That much money could change the persons life. $1,500 could be alot of things someone needs,like rent money. They could have just gotten paid and they lost it.”)

The conclusion restates the argument of the essay, but only a few of the ideas discussed are summarized. (“ If you should find an enveope with $1,500 in it, then u should return it to its rightful owner.”)

Additional detail would help provide the readers with a sense of closure as well. Instead, the essay ends abruptly. (“ This money would impact yo”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“ If you should find an enveope with $1,500 in it, then u should return it to its rightful owner.”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Some sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas, while others are too short. Some sentences are fragmented and end abruptly. (“This money would impact yo”)

There is a minimal variety of sentences in this essay. Word choice is repetitive. (“The person could possibly be evicted and lose their home.The money also could be money for groceries and household supplies.”)

Essays at this level often, but do not always, contain errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“That much money could change the persons life.”)

Some sentences correctly use punctuation, like the semicolon, but fail to correctly use periods, commas, and question marks. (“Imagine tht you just lost all that money; what would you do in that situation.”)

Essays at this level often have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors present may impede meaning. (“That much money could change the persons life. $1,500 could be alot of things someone needs,like rent money.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Finders keepers losers weapers. I know how it feels to loose money but if you lost it you lost it its your problem not the persons that found it. Like when I found a bike in the woods the next day some kids said it was there bike so I gave it to them but at first they thout I stole it but they remembered they lost it there so they were happy when they realized I found it. So I think my friend should keep the money for three reasons.These reasons are so we can spend it. The second reason is so we can eat fast food. The last reason is so we can watch movies. And these are the three reasons why you should keep the money.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis is present, but it does not illustrate an understanding of audience by using appropriate language. (“Finders keepers losers weapers.”)

Some ideas are introduced but not explored. For example, the writer attempts to provide some background information to help readers comprehend the purpose of the essay, but no follow-up details are present. (“Like when I found a bike in the woods the next day some kids said it was there bike so I gave it to them but at first they thout I stole it but they remembered they lost it there so they were happy when they realized I found it.”)

Essays at this level may or may not have completely irrelevant information. In this case, most of the content is on topic, but it is too short to fully evaluate the writer’s focus. (“So I think my friend should keep the money for three reasons.These reasons are so we can spend it.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position.

The writer provides some information to attempt to humanize the situation, but it is difficult to understand. (“ Like when I found a bike in the woods the next day some kids said it was there bike so I gave it to them but at first they thout I stole it but they remembered they lost it there so they were happy when they realized I found it.”)

It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. (“ So I think my friend should keep the money for three reasons.These reasons are so we can spend it.”)

There are few or no main ideas in the body paragraphs. Ideas that are provided are not developed well and contain few supporting details. (“ The second reason is so we can eat fast food. The last reason is so we can watch movies. And these are the three reasons why you should keep the money.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion as well as no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. There is a thesis statement, but it only minimally provides readers with a sense of what to expect from the essay. (“Finders keepers losers weapers. I know how it feels to loose money but if you lost it you lost it its your problem not the persons that found it.”)

The essay provides readers with a brief exclamation at the beginning of the essay, but it only serves to undercut the writer’s credibility. More formal language is needed. (“Finders keepers losers weapers.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. All ideas are compressed into one paragraph.

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. It ends abruptly without a summary and with no additional information. (“And these are the three reasons why you should keep the money.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Finders keepers losers weapers.”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“ These reasons are so we can spend it. The second reason is so we can eat fast food. The last reason is so we can watch movies.”)

The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases.

Sentences in the essay are often too short, and some may be fragmented or run-on sentences. (“ These reasons are so we can spend it. The second reason is so we can eat fast food. The last reason is so we can watch movies.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ Like when I found a bike in the woods the next day some kids said it was there bike so I gave it to them but at first they thout I stole it but they remembered they lost it there so they were happy when they realized I found it.”)

Spelling errors are common and interfere with the writer’s credibility. (“Finders keepers losers weapers.”)

Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present often impede meaning. (“ Like when I found a bike in the woods the next day some kids said it was there bike so I gave it to them but at first they thout I stole it but they remembered they lost it there so they were happy when they realized I found it.”)

Funding for the Arts

Imagine the School Board is deciding whether or not to provide funding for arts education in your school district. Funding for arts education allows schools to offer elective courses such as dance, music, drama, and art. What experiences have you had with arts education? Why might some vote against funding arts education?

Write a letter to the School Board persuading them to vote either for or against funding for arts education. Include facts and examples to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Lawrence Township School Board,

"Okay class. Get ready to go to art," my teacher said as we finished up our language arts lesson. Everyone was excited to get to go and paint and draw, so if you're thinking about stopping the arts program, I highly suggest you reconsider it. Music and art gives your students such an outstanding opportunity to have fun and they still get a lot out of it. The school's art program allows kids to express themselves freely, along with helping them improve their social skills and learn a lot of interesting facts. If my message isn't so clear right now, let me try getting into it with a few more details. First, consider that everyone looks forward to art classes. Second, it helps us increase our social skills. Finally there's a huge amount of educational value in the arts.

Everyone looks forward to our schools' music and art classes, along with band, orchestra, and chorus. I think we look forward to it so much because we feel free to express ourselves in these classes. In art, we can bring out our creative styles, and create whatever we want. This is a lot different than science or math. In music, we can get a feel of the whole musical program. We learn the words and tunes to some songs, and also learn how to play certain instruments. When we want even more music, we can join the band or orchestra and learn to play more instruments. In chorus, we get to sing songs and even put on concerts with the band and orchestra.

The music and arts program allows us to increase our social skills. We get a chance to be with our old friends and make new ones. The concerts and trips for band, orchestra, and chorus allow us to increase our confidence and overcome fears such as stage fright. When I was in chorus, I felt confident and proud of myself during our concerts, and my parents were proud of me too. In our main arts classes, music and art, we learn the basic feel of singing and painting, which helps us choose something to consider learning in the future.

There is also a huge educational value in the music and arts program. It isn't just learning how to paint, draw, sing, or play instruments. We also learn a lot about history. In art class, we learn about famous artists and their own creative styles. Then we have a project using these styles to see what is was like for those artists. In our music classes, we learn about famous composers and musicians, along with the history of some instruments. We learn how to read musical notes, and it has been proven that being able to play an instrument actually increases intelligence.

By now, I think I've made my point to you. We want to keep art, music, band, orchestra, and chorus in our school. They all let us express ourselves and show creativity. They also help increase our social skills, and provide us with a lot of intelligence and information. I don't know about all people, but most people I know love art and music, and look forward to it everyday. Please don't consider stopping to fund the arts program. Everyone enjoys it, and would be very disappointed if it was given away. Keep the arts!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to persuade the reader. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer makes an attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at beginning of the introduction. The writer then provides an opinionative statement and supports it with relevant facts. The opinion of the author is never in doubt throughout the entire essay. Essays at this level will rarely if ever provide irrelevant or only tangentially related information. (“Music and art gives your students such an outstanding opportunity to have fun and they still get a lot out of it. The school's art program allows kids to express themselves freely, along with helping them improve their social skills and learn a lot of interesting facts.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. Arguments are developed u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. Essays at this level may or may not anticipate opposing arguments and attempt to disarm them, although better essays are more likely to provide counterarguments. These counterarguments are not always explicitly stated. Sometimes the author can subtly suggest or anticipate what others might try to argue, as in this example: “ There is also a huge educational value in the music and arts program. It isn't just learning how to paint, draw, sing, or play instruments. We also learn a lot about history.” The author provides a creative quotation from the teacher at the beginning of the essay. Although the quotation used in this essay could have contributed more substantially to the overall theme, the principle of attempting to draw readers in is understood. Throughout the essay, the author addresses three points to help support his or her argument. Each point is unique, and ideas do not seem recycled from point to point. Statistics, anecdotes, and examples are all excellent examples of ways to support the thesis statement. In this essay, the author’s three points state that the arts are useful primarily for personal growth, but each point is independent and sufficiently developed on its own. (“ The music and arts program allows us to increase our social skills. We get a chance to be with our old friends and make new ones. The concerts and trips for band, orchestra, and chorus allow us to increase our confidence and overcome fears such as stage fright.”) The author concludes with a call to action to preserve the arts program. (“Please don't consider stopping to fund the arts program. Everyone enjoys it, and would be very disappointed if it was given away. Keep the arts!”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. The essay’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention with a quotation from the teacher about art. Background information is given to help readers understand the issue. The author transitions through less conventional, but still very effective means. Most essays will use “first, second, finally, etc.” to move between ideas. In this essay, the author uses subtler methods, and the essay’s flow benefits as a result. (“There is also a huge educational value in the music and arts program. It isn't just learning how to paint, draw, sing, or play instruments. We also learn a lot about history.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence and are presented in a logical order. Essays at this level should always have successful use of paragraphing. (“ By now, I think I've made my point to you. We want to keep art, music, band, orchestra, and chorus in our school. They all let us express ourselves and show creativity.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured, varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer creates variation in the essay by including exclamations or questions and combining sentences with conjunctions or semicolons. The language, style, and tone are consistent, ensuring that readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of each paragraph are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ In our music classes, we learn about famous composers and musicians, along with the history of some instruments. We learn how to read musical notes, and it has been proven that being able to play an instrument actually increases intelligence.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. New paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks or indentations, where appropriate. Essays at this level may have very few minor mistakes, but they never impede meaning or intent. (“ The school's art program allows kids to express themselves freely, along with helping them improve their social skills and learn a lot of interesting facts. If my message isn't so clear right now, let me try getting into it with a few more details.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Lawrence Township School Board,

"Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do," the chorus hummed. I think all Lawrence Township Public schools should fund the arts program. It boosts children's intellignce, keeps them involved, and provides career options for some students. The arts are key for a good learning experience.

"Quarter note, Half note, Quarter note," the student murmured to himself as he blew into his clarinet. If every child read music, they would become smarter. It is proven that music boosts children's intelligence. Reading note would help kids read real words. By drawing, and controlling a brush, in art class, many kids' writing skills would improve. School's around the globe are trying to find better ways to teach their studets. If a lot of the schools had music and art class, for instance, their children would become smarter. It is another way to teach children to read and write. What is different about this tactic than just reading from a textbook is that it's fun!

"Yeah!" the crowd went up in applause. The school just had their winter concert and the children did a great job! Playing an instrument, being in a chorus, and participating in a school play are some of the ways that children can get involved in school. Their are showcases and windows where children's art is displayed. After getting a warm round of applause or showing off your newest masterpiece, children always feel good. It makes them feel special. The arts can help children create these things that will make them feel good inside. Children who are acting up would get involved in school activities. They might stop misbehaving when they notice they have a hidden talent.

"Yeah, I learned that technique in art class in sixth grade," the professional painter exclaimed. Not only do the arts make children feel special, and boost their intelligence, but it provides career options for some students. Children who become singers or actresses would say, "Oh yeah! My fifth grade music teacher taught me that!" Or some would say, "My drama teacher told me how to do that!" These careers are the ones provided by art classes. One child could never know they had an amazing voice until he/she starting taking chorus. That kid could go on to be the most famous singer of the next generation. That wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the music class that the child's school board funded for. Talents would be pushed to their fullest when children take the arts.

"I cannot wait until the chorus concert this evening," I thought to myself. I have had great personal experiences with the arts at my school. I think all Lawrence schools should be funded for the arts because it boosts children's intelligence, gets kids involved, and provides career options for some. It is a fun way to learn and enjoy! If you decide to fund the arts program in Lawrence , you will not regret it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade the reader. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level will rarely provide irrelevant or only tangentially related information. (“Children who are acting up would get involved in school activities. They might stop misbehaving when they notice they have a hidden talent.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses possible counterarguments. The writer’s opinion is illustrated through facts, statistics, examples, anecdotes, and explanations. Details are clear, correct, specific, and help make the argument more convincing. The writer attempts to introduce each paragraph with a quotation that illustrates each main point. The results are mixed, but the use of dialogue to augment an argument is a good tactic. The use of quotations does help to personalize the issue a bit more and is effective at drawing readers in. (“Not only do the arts make children feel special, and boost their intelligence, but it provides career options for some students. Children who become singers or actresses would say, ‘Oh yeah! My fifth grade music teacher taught me that!’”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The introduction poses a question or makes an unusual or surprising statement. Background information is provided to help readers understand the issue. The writer attempts to use clever ways to lead readers from one idea or event to the next. Reasons are presented in a logical order. In the conclusion, the writer wraps up the main argument and leaves readers with something to think about or a call to action. (“I have had great personal experiences with the arts at my school. I think all Lawrence schools should be funded for the art because it boosts children’s intelligence, gets kids involved, and provides career options for some.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured, somewhat varied sentences. The writer’s word choices help make the arguments more persuasive. The writer creates sentence variety by including sentences with exclamations or questions and combining sentences with conjunctions or semicolons. The language, style, and tone are consistent, ensuring that readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of each paragraph are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“After getting a warm round of applause or showing off your newest masterpiece, children always feel good. It makes them feel special. The arts can help children create these things that will make them feel good inside. Children who are acting up would get involved in school activities. They might stop misbehaving when they notice they have a hidden talent.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows good control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. Paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, where appropriate. Essays at this level may have a few errors, but they do not impede meaning. (“ "I cannot wait until the chorus concert this evening," I thought to myself. I have had great personal experiences with the arts at my school. I think all Lawrence schools should be funded for the art because it boosts children’s intelligence, gets kids involved, and provides career options for some.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear School Board

Have you ever wondered what it would be like without dance, drama, band, orchestra, art, or music? It would be the most horrible thing in the world. I am strongly against invalidating those activities. It would be horrible not to have any of them.

Have you ever taken drama or dance? Drama and dance are important school activities. They are great types of exercise, and they teach you imagination. If you are good at any of those activities, you might become an actor or professional dancer. If drama and dance were eliminated, many people would not have the opportunity to have successful careers. Just wonder what a world without dance or drama would be like.

It would be the most horrible thing if band and orchestra was canceled. About one quarter of the children in every school play an instrument. By the tome they get to high school, they are usually already music geniuses. Many children that play instruments get recommended for advanced music groups, such as the county orchestra/band, or even the state orchestra/band. If you play an instrument, you will not be bored all the time, and you will not be cnstantly watching TV or playing video games.Did you know that playing an instrument enlarges your intelligence?

Art and music are two, very important subjects. Art teaches you creativity and uniqueness. Music helps you understand instruments and parts of songs. Art also teaches you behavior and respect for your equipment, your peers, your teachers, and most importantly, for yourself. If it wasn't for music, no one would know about harmony, rythm, and melody. If t wasn't for art, no one would know about monochromatic, complementary, analogous, and triadic color combinations. No one would also know about primary and intermediate colors. Do you? As I said before, music enlarges your intelligence.

Do you now see why drama, dance, band, orchestra, art, and music is so important? If it wasn't for these activities, many teachers would lose there jobs. That would be as horrible as not havin the activities. If kids want to have a pleasant future, they should try one of these activities.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the reader , demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task. Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The thesis adequately states what the author believes about the issue. The language of the thesis fits the examples. The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. Although the essay is occasionally repetitive, the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. The essay does not contain irrelevant information. Essays at this level may occasionally offer a small piece of irrelevant information, but the vast majority of the content is focused on the topic. (“It would be the most horrible thing if band and orchestra was canceled. About one quarter of the children in every school play an instrument. By the tome they get to high school, they are usually already music geniuses.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. Arguments are developed using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It adequately addresses opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. Most of the writer’s details are clear, correct, and specific. They are generally convincing and adequately explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three details are stated about each main idea. Essays at this level typically provide multiple paragraphs, each discussing a specific argument. Within those paragraphs should be several supporting points that relate to that paragraph’s topic sentence. The difference between an adequately written essay and an effective or very effective essay is usually in the quality and quantity of details provided. (“Art and music are two, very important subjects. Art teaches you creativity and uniqueness. Music helps you understand instruments and parts of songs. Art also teaches you behavior and respect for your equipment, your peers, your teachers, and most importantly, for yourself.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure, a noticeable introduction and conclusion, and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Although the thesis and introduction are very standard and uninspired, the writer does adequately grab the readers’ attention. Transitional devices should be used more often, but they are not completely absent. Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. Reasons are presented in a logical order. The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. (“Do you now see why drama, dance, band, orchestra, art, and music is so important? If it wasn't for these activities, many teachers would lose there jobs.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences could be more varied, but it is not inadequate for a middle school prompt. Word choices are sometimes poor or repetitive, but there is rarely if ever confusion about what the author is attempting to communicate. The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“If t wasn't for art, no one would know about monochromatic, complementary, analogous, and triadic color combinations. No one would also know about primary and intermediate colors. Do you? As I said before, music enlarges your intelligence.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message . For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. Line breaks and indentations are used to distinguish many paragraphs. Essays at this level may have a few grammatical errors, but they rarely if ever interfere with the author’s message. (“ If you play an instrument, you will not be bored all the time, and you will not be cnstantly watching TV or playing video games.Did you know that playing an instrument enlarges your intelligence?”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

you should not vote for arts education because we need new equiment for P.E. We all so need a indoor gym for when it rains we can go to the gym. I think arts education has plenty of matirials. We need bigger lookers and better food. The food is not so healthy.

I would not vote on spending money on art education because we need better P.E close the P.E uniform is boring. Probebley we should get one that has the schools mascott. We need to have better and newer balls. It is not sopuse to be boring.

You now that are schools are not supuse to be boring. We should have a pool for P.E so the people that don't now how to swuim they can learn how to swim. We need to have vending machiens. We need the vending machiens so if we are hungry we can get a snack.

You should not vote for the arts funding because we need better stuff P.E. It will be better to have good food and bigger lookers it is much better then getting better school matirials. You can make the school better it can be the best school I ever bin in.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion, but may be unclear or underdeveloped, demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes some parts of the task. In this essay, the author opines that art education should be cut in favor of physical education. Although the essay is largely on topic, it is occasionally confusing. The introduction does not provide an immediately recognizable thesis. The author’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited in the use of slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“You now that are schools are not supuse to be boring. We should have a pool for P.E so the people that don't now how to swuim they can learn how to swim.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. Essays at this level may or may not attempt to provide counterarguments and address them, but usually, counterarguments are ignored completely. The details provided in each paragraph may or may not be convincing, but again, they tend to lack depth. Furthermore, essays at this level may not have a sufficient number of main ideas to build upon or they may simply restate the same ideas. (“It is not sopuse to be boring. You now that are schools are not supuse to be boring. We should have a pool for P.E so the people that don't now how to swuim”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates only some evidence of structure, with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and insufficient paragraphing and transitional devices. Evidence of an effective introduction is limited in this essay, and while the writer does provide some background information, it is not enough to help readers understand the issue. Supporting paragraphs are also limited, and reasons may not be presented in a logical order. The essay does not include a strong conclusion. Sometimes, writers at this level do not make any attempt to use paragraphing devices. (“You should not vote for the arts funding because we need better stuff P.E. It will be better to have good food and bigger lookers it is much better then getting better school matirials.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and simple sentences with insufficient variety and word choice. The writer uses few descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to support the opinion statement effectively. Persuasive phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MyAccess! Word Bank, and may help to make the author’s point more convincing. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences in the essay are not sufficiently varied and lack well-developed structure. Essays at this level begin to show signs of repetition and limited vocabulary, and the language is often informal. (“We need bigger lookers and better food. The food is not so healthy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. When appropriate, paragraphs should be indented and distinguished by line breaks. The writer should click on My Editor for more ways to improve the essay. Essays at this level begin to have significant problems with mechanics and conventions. They may or may not impede meaning, but they are often distracting. (“Probebley we should get one that has the schools mascott. We need to have better and newer balls. It is not sopuse to be boring.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

When you vote on art funding this year I feel that you should vote for funding it on the school. I beleive that you should not give the money to the art, because the school needs other stuff. One thing that we need is a gym that way if it rains we still could do P.E. Another thing that we need is an audotoriaum.

One reason I think we should have a gym because that way we could play more sports. Another reason is we could use that money for more books because the old ones we have are really crummy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion and minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. It completes few parts of the task. The author does state an opinion on the topic, but there is a serious lack of detail and virtually no background information provided. In the introduction, the essay’s main argument is not stated in a clear or convincing way. The topic is often presented in an informal manner.

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. Arguments are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider opposing points of view or counterarguments. Minimal evidence is given to explain or supports the opinion statement. The writer fails to include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details, such as specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations, are needed to illustrate each main idea. This writer does attempt to provide a few reasons why funding for the arts should not continue, but they are very limited. (“One reason I think we should have a gym because that way we could play more sports. Another reason is we could use that money for more books because the old ones we have are really crummy.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure, a poor introduction and conclusion, and minimal paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay lacks an effective introduction, and the thesis statement is not apparent at the end of the first paragraph. The writer does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning, and would be improved by a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. The writer does not develop effective supporting paragraphs, and transitional words are needed to illustrated connections between ideas in the essay. The argument is not concluded, and no attempt is made to sum up the ideas presented.

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases are used to support the opinion statement. More detailed, convincing language is needed to needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences are not well-structured and lack variation in word choice. Essays at this level are often repetitive and may even be contradictory. Meaning is often impaired as a result. (“ One thing that we need is a gym that way if it rains we still could do P.E. Another thing that we need is an audotoriaum.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. Line breaks and indentations are not used to distinguish between paragraphs. For more ways to improve the essay, the writer should click on My Editor.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In elemetery we had people who told us abot artist and other artist. Then the lady would come to tech us how to draw smething. Then we get to draw the same kind of panting.

I know the school board will be votig on funding for arts eduction in our schol disrict. I feel that you shold vote cause this is the only time in scool to draw what you think of.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion, and little effort to persuade readers. It completes few or no parts of the task. The essay does state an opinion about the issue in the final sentence, but does not provide any additional information to support it. The main topic of the essay is unclear. Essays at this level are only on topic in the most basic way. They rarely provide more than two paragraphs and often use informal language. (“ I know the school board will be votig on funding for arts eduction in our schol disrict. I feel that you shold vote cause this is the only time in scool to draw what you think of.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. The writer makes little or no attempt to use details to support main and supporting ideas, and does not consider potential counterarguments. The writer fails to include three main ideas as support, and the essay lacks supporting facts, experiences, and specific examples. It does seem that the author has attempted to provide a creative introduction, but there is no subsequent data or content to support the thesis. (“Then the lady would come to tech us how to draw smething. Then we get to draw the same kind of panting.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no paragraphing or transitional devices. The thesis statement cannot be found in the essay’s opening. The writer does not attempt to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. Effective supporting paragraphs are entirely absent, transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas, and the argument is not concluded. Essays at this level have virtually no attempt at organization. This essay does have one paragraph break, but most essays at this level will not.

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not contain descriptive or persuasive words or phrases to describe the writer’s opinion. More detailed, convincing language is needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences may be either too short or lack appropriate punctuation. (“Then the lady would come to tech us how to draw smething. Then we get to draw the same kind of panting.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. Line breaks and indentations are not used to distinguish each paragraph. The writer should click on My Editor for more ways to improve the essay. (“I know the school board will be votig on funding for arts eduction in our schol disrict. I feel that you shold vote cause this is the only time in scool to draw what you think of.”)

Greatest American Figure

Think about the greatest American figures of past and present day. Who do you feel is the greatest American? What special qualities does this person possess that makes him or her commendable? What were his or her achievements?

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you describe who you feel is the greatest American and persuade others to agree with your position. Be sure to include specific details and examples to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This extraordinary man received a poor education, but managed to compose prominent manuscripts. He was born into an impoverished family of farmers, and yet grew up to become a celebrity in Europe and the colonies. This man condemned powerful rulers openly and rebelled against the beliefs of his time. By now, you must be wondering who this is, and how is he the greatest American? Well, this outrageous man is Thomas Paine, a writer, inventor, and contributor to society. But, most importantly, Thomas Paine is the man whom I believe to be the greatest American due to his perseverance, candidness, and bravery.

First, Paine possessed perseverance and rose above life's challenges. Ever since Paine was a little boy growing up in England , there were obstacles. He had to leave school early to earn money for his penniless family. At age 12, Paine went to become an apprentice to a corset maker, but failed. Paine continued and became a merchant seaman and then tried again to open shop as a corset maker. Eventually, his shop went out of business and his wife died. Still, Paine persevered and kept trying, no matter how many disappointments there were. Life threw numerous obstacles at him, from unsuccessful jobs and businesses to early deaths of loved ones. Paine persisted and went on to become an officer, servant, ordained minister of the Church of England, an inventor, and eventually, a writer. Paine had a wild spirit and incredible determination. Instead of giving up on himself, he kept trying and was determined to find a career. Even when he was trapped in a prison and in the most desolate conditions, Paine's spark in life never extinguished and instead kept at it until he had reached his goal. When Paine finally emerged from his circumstances, he applied his candidness to bring about change in the world.

Second, one of Paine's most recognizable attributes was his candidness and honesty. Paine was a very unique person when it came to opinions. Paine applied words instead of actions to demonstrate his power. Whereas some might use fighting, Paine used powerful speeches to ignite crowds. Paine criticized powerful rulers publicly and opened people's eyes on the problems of their time. He spoke what he believed was right and tried his best to shed new light on others' perspective. Paine addressed the public in a blunt and straightforward manner when concerning the rulers of their countries. For example, Paine condemned Napoleon (ruler of France ) on his dictatorship even after Napoleon had complimented Paine and his works. Many people admired George Washington with respect. But, Paine disapproved of Washington 's owning of slaves. He wrote amazing books on issues such as minimum wage and the idea of freedom. Many people believed they were the king's subjects, but Paine thought differently. Unlike bowing down to the king and his beliefs, Paine rebelled instead. In fact, Paine wrote an extraordinary pamphlet called Common Sense. Common Sense spoke of Paine's beliefs on making the colonies a separate and free country. In the best-selling pamphlet, Paine expressed his concern for the welfare of the colonies under England 's control. He persuaded the colonists to revolt against King George III and Great Britain so much that the people actually listened to him. Not only were people impressed by his candidness, but also with Paine's courage to fight for what he believed in.

Third, Paine had bravery and courage. Some might view bravery as fighting in wars, but Paine had another kind of courage, the courage to stand up for what he supported. As a writer, Paine wrote many controversial books including Rights of Man, The American Crisis, and Age of Reason. These manuscripts described Paine's view on many notorious topics, views that were not shared by the general public and monarchs. Paine criticized leaders' advances toward dictatorship and supported deism. Instead of following the Christian religion, Paine published works that disproved the Bible. Many countries and monarchs, especially Napoleon, were furious at Paine's outbursts. So, to silence him, rulers put him in prison and jails. Paine escaped from place to place and continued speaking his opinions. The leaders had failed; nothing could stop Paine's brave speeches. However, Paine was not a miracle; he eventually did get caught and imprisoned. But, even then he still wrote in his jail cell and even began new books. After he was released, Paine continued to write. Paine had this immeasurable desire to divulge his opinions to the people what he thought was moral even if it meant risking his life. Paine's most celebrated accomplishment, Common Sense, earned many angry mobs and countries. These furious people threatened Paine and demanded that he put an end to his writing. But, of course, he refused and was even more motivated to support independence. He was courageous and brave to tell the public his opinions and wasn't afraid of being arrested, tortured, tarred and feathered, or executed. Paine's words ignited the start of a revolution and a legacy for years to come.

In conclusion, Paine was the greatest American due to his perseverance, candidness, and bravery. Paine was a great and incredible man. No matter what others thought of him, he still persisted and gave honest criticism. Instead of letting injustice win, Paine decided to promote change. He not only spoke for America 's freedom, but also for the lives of African Americans and other discriminated people. Paine was an ordinary citizen who chose to speak for humans' rights. He was open and showed others that you need to stand for what you believe in, to let your voice be heard and valued. Joel A. Barker once said, "Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world." Paine had a vision, like many others, to have a free country with free citizens. He didn't sit around waiting for this dream to happen. No, Paine took every opportunity he had to spread the word and endangered his life, working for a better world free of immorality. Let Thomas Paine's life be an inspiration to us all, to always persevere and dedicate your life to the fullest towards reaching your goal. Hey, if Tom Paine, an ordinary person, can do it, why can't we?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful thesis statement to effectively persuade readers. The writing demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience; furthermore, the essay completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Paine had this immeasurable desire to divulge his opinions to the people what he thought was moral even if it meant risking his life. Paine's most celebrated accomplishment, Common Sense, earned many angry mobs and countries. These furious people threatened Paine and demanded that he put an end to his writing. But, of course, he refused and was even more motivated to support independence. He was courageous and brave to tell the public his opinions and wasn't afraid of being arrested, tortured, tarred and feathered, or executed. Paine's words ignited the start of a revolution and a legacy for years to come.”)

The writer’s thesis creatively states what he/she believes about the issue. (“But, most importantly, Thomas Paine is the man whom I believe to be the greatest American due to his perseverance, candidness, and bravery.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about Thomas Paine’s characteristics of perseverance, candidness, and bravery. (“ Ever since Paine was a little boy growing up in England , there were obstacles. He had to leave school early to earn money for his penniless family. At age 12, Paine went to become an apprentice to a corset maker, but failed. Paine continued and became a merchant seaman and then tried again to open shop as a corset maker. Eventually, his shop went out of business and his wife died. Still, Paine persevered and kept trying, no matter how many disappointments there were.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position and convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view, or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Third, Paine had bravery and courage. Some might view bravery as fighting in wars, but Paine had another kind of courage, the courage to stand up for what he supported. …In conclusion, Paine was the greatest American due to his perseverance, candidness, and bravery. Paine was a great and incredible man. No matter what others thought of him, he still persisted and gave honest criticism.”)

The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Third, Paine had bravery and courage. Some might view bravery as fighting in wars, but Paine had another kind of courage, the courage to stand up for what he supported. As a writer, Paine wrote many controversial books including Rights of Man, The American Crisis, and Age of Reason. These manuscripts described Paine's view on many notorious topics, views that were not shared by the general public and monarchs. Paine criticized leaders' advances toward dictatorship and supported deism. Instead of following the Christian religion, Paine published works that disproved the Bible. Many countries and monarchs, especially Napoleon, were furious at Paine's outbursts. So, to silence him, rulers put him in prison and jails.”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention and even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“Let Thomas Paine's life be an inspiration to us all, to always persevere and dedicate your life to the fullest towards reaching your goal. Hey, if Tom Paine, an ordinary person, can do it, why can't we?”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“First, Paine possessed perseverance and rose above life's challenges. Ever since Paine was a little boy growing up in England , there were obstacles. He had to leave school early to earn money for his penniless family. At age 12, Paine went to become an apprentice to a corset maker, but failed. Paine continued and became a merchant seaman and then tried again to open shop as a corset maker. Eventually, his shop went out of business and his wife died. Still, Paine persevered and kept trying, no matter how many disappointments there were. Life threw numerous obstacles at him, from unsuccessful jobs and businesses to early deaths of loved ones. Paine persisted and went on to become an officer, servant, ordained minister of the Church of England , an inventor, and eventually, a writer.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as the effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“This extraordinary man received a poor education, but managed to compose prominent manuscripts. He was born into an impoverished family of farmers, and yet grew up to become a celebrity in Europe and the colonies. This man condemned powerful rulers openly and rebelled against the beliefs of his time. By now, you must be wondering who this is, and how is he the greatest American? Well, this outrageous man is Thomas Paine, a writer, inventor, and contributor to society. But, most importantly, Thomas Paine is the man whom I believe to be the greatest American due to his perseverance, candidness, and bravery.”)

The writer states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“But, most importantly, Thomas Paine is the man whom I believe to be the greatest American due to his perseverance, candidness, and bravery.”)

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Eventually, his shop went out of business and his wife died. Still, Paine persevered and kept trying, no matter how many disappointments there were. …For example, Paine condemned Napoleon (ruler of France ) on his dictatorship even after Napoleon had complimented Paine and his works. …In fact, Paine wrote an extraordinary pamphlet called Common Sense.”)

The writer’s conclusion is effective and leaves readers with something to think about and/or offers a call for action (telling the readers what to do next). (“In conclusion, Paine was the greatest American due to his perseverance, candidness, and bravery. Paine was a great and incredible man. No matter what others thought of him, he still persisted and gave honest criticism. Instead of letting injustice win, Paine decided to promote change . … Let Thomas Paine's life be an inspiration to us all, to always persevere and dedicate your life to the fullest towards reaching your goal. Hey, if Tom Paine, an ordinary person, can do it, why can't we?”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are evident within the essay in question. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Paine had a vision, like many others, to have a free country with free citizens. He didn't sit around waiting for this dream to happen. No, Paine took every opportunity he had to spread the word and endangered his life, working for a better world free of immorality. Let Thomas Paine's life be an inspiration to us all, to always persevere and dedicate your life to the fullest towards reaching your goal.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including sentences with exclamations or questions or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“By now, you must be wondering who this is, and how is he the greatest American? …Hey, if Tom Paine, an ordinary person, can do it, why can't we?”)

The compound-complex sentence “ Some might view bravery as fighting in wars, but Paine had another kind of courage, the courage to stand up for what he supported” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has virtually no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ When Paine finally emerged from his circumstances, he applied his candidness to bring about change in the world.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Princess to slave, this woman proceeded in a 5,000 mile trip remaining a sign of peace. After being kidnapped by the Hidatsa tribe she was traded to a French-Canadian trader, Toussaint Charbonneau, and became one of his numerous wives at the age of only 16 and gave birth to his son, Jean Baptiste also known as Pomp. She and Charbonneau had followed Lewis and Clark on their journey to map the Pacific Ocean and the Louisiana Purchase carrying his son on her back the whole and entire way. She started out as a follower and became a leader. Can you guess who this resourceful, dependable, and determined woman is? Of course it is Sacagawea, known as the Bird Woman, born among the Shoshoni, or Snake, Indians of Idaho.

Sacagawea along with Charbonneau and the two explorers, Lewis and Clark, had a crossroads and met at the Mandan 's village. Lewis and Clark decided to hire Charbonneau, however only for the benefit of Sacagawea. Captain Clark wanted Sacagawea to travel with the group because she was resourceful and had a lot to offer for the expedition. Sacagawea was the only one who spoke the Shoshoni language and could negotiate with the Shoshone Indians for goods needed for the long journey. Furthermore, Sacagawea was a sign of peace when confronting others for help. When food was scarce, Sacagawea reacted quickly and began gathering and preparing roots, nuts, and berries and other edible plants to provide tasty nourishments. In both of their diaries, Lewis and Clark referred to Sacagawea as "our Indian Woman" or as "our Squaw". Clark realized Sacagawea's contributions to the success of the journey. Without Sacagawea's resourcefulness, the expedition would have never been a success.

Sacagawea's dependability was ready to take over the expedition. The journey resumed on the Missouri River after Sacagawea gave birth to Jean Baptiste. It was a stormy day and the boat Sacagawea was on was hit by a stormy squall. The boat nearly capsized and other members were panicking while Sacagawea rapidly reacted to retrieve the valuable books and instruments that floated in the ocean with her son strapped on her back. If Lewis and Clark didn't depend on Sacagawea then their valuable diaries would have been lost forever in the voluminous ocean.

Surprisingly, throughout the expedition Sacagawea had been abused by her wife-beating husband, Toussaint Charbonneau. However, because of her determination she had shown zero signs of abuse or complains and proceeded with her son on her back. Instead, Sacagawea maintained a helpful attitude of cheerfulness in the face of hardship. Sacagawea was concerned about the circumstances her son, Jean Baptiste, would have to live under if she had raised him with her wife-beating husband. Therefore, with courage to remain determined to successfully finish the expedition, Sacagawea proposed to the idea of allowing her son to be raised by Clark, one of the explorers on the expedition. From many observations, you are able to conclude that Sacagawea sacrificed her son, Jean Baptists, to proceed onto the expedition successfully do to her characteristic to be determined. Sacagawea has been noticed for her determination and has her picture on a dollar coin with her son strapped on her back.

Although Sacagawea only had a simple task in the expedition, she remains the greatest American in my heart for various reasons. Sacagawea is one of the few Indians that is recognized and isn't given much credit. Most people don't tend to realize that Sacagawea was responsible for raising the Native American women expectations to a new level of respect and admiration. She made it no excuse that she was a woman and couldn't proceed with the expedition. Sacagawea showed that women, too, are strong by carrying her son on her back the whole way through the expedition.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear position to persuade the reader. The essay also d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Princess to slave, this woman proceeded in a 5,000 mile trip remaining a sign of peace. After being kidnapped by the Hidatsa tribe she was traded to a French-Canadian trader, Toussaint Charbonneau, and became one of his numerous wives at the age of only 16 and gave birth to his son, Jean Baptiste also known as Pomp. She and Charbonneau had followed Lewis and Clark on their journey to map the Pacific Ocean and the Louisiana Purchase carrying his son on her back the whole and entire way. She started out as a follower and became a leader. Can you guess who this resourceful, dependable, and determined woman is? Of course it is Sacagawea, known as the Bird Woman, born among the Shoshoni, or Snake, Indians of Idaho.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Sacagawea's dependability was ready to take over the expedition. The journey resumed on the Missouri River after Sacagawea gave birth to Jean Baptiste. It was a stormy day and the boat Sacagawea was on was hit by a stormy squall. The boat nearly capsized and other members were panicking while Sacagawea rapidly reacted to retrieve the valuable books and instruments that floated in the ocean with her son strapped on her back. If Lewis and Clark didn't depend on Sacagawea then their valuable diaries would have been lost forever in the voluminous ocean.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Without Sacagawea's resourcefulness, the expedition would have never been a success.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are apparent in the essay above. The writer develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate and relevant details to support his/her position. The essay also clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view, or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Sacagawea is one of the few Indians that is recognized and isn't given much credit. Most people don't tend to realize that Sacagawea was responsible for raising the Native American women expectations to a new level of respect and admiration. She made it no excuse that she was a woman and couldn't proceed with the expedition. Sacagawea showed that women, too, are strong by carrying her son on her back the whole way through the expedition.”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“Princess to slave, this woman proceeded in a 5,000 mile trip remaining a sign of peace. After being kidnapped by the Hidatsa tribe she was traded to a French-Canadian trader, Toussaint Charbonneau, and became one of his numerous wives at the age of only 16 and gave birth to his son, Jean Baptiste also known as Pomp. She and Charbonneau had followed Lewis and Clark on their journey to map the Pacific Ocean and the Louisiana Purchase carrying his son on her back the whole and entire way. She started out as a follower and became a leader. Can you guess who this resourceful, dependable, and determined woman is?”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Surprisingly, throughout the expedition Sacagawea had been abused by her wife-beating husband, Toussaint Charbonneau. However, because of her determination she had shown zero signs of abuse or complains and proceeded with her son on her back. Instead, Sacagawea maintained a helpful attitude of cheerfulness in the face of hardship. Sacagawea was concerned about the circumstances her son, Jean Baptiste, would have to live under if she had raised him with her wife-beating husband. Therefore, with courage to remain determined to successfully finish the expedition, Sacagawea proposed to the idea of allowing her son to be raised by Clark, one of the explorers on the expedition.”)

Organization

This essay displays good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, as well as consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Princess to slave, this woman proceeded in a 5,000 mile trip remaining a sign of peace. After being kidnapped by the Hidatsa tribe she was traded to a French-Canadian trader, Toussaint Charbonneau, and became one of his numerous wives at the age of only 16 and gave birth to his son, Jean Baptiste also known as Pomp. She and Charbonneau had followed Lewis and Clark on their journey to map the Pacific Ocean and the Louisiana Purchase carrying his son on her back the whole and entire way. She started out as a follower and became a leader. Can you guess who this resourceful, dependable, and determined woman is? Of course it is Sacagawea, known as the Bird Woman, born among the Shoshoni, or Snake, Indians of Idaho.”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Princess to slave, this woman proceeded in a 5,000 mile trip remaining a sign of peace. After being kidnapped by the Hidatsa tribe she was traded to a French-Canadian trader, Toussaint Charbonneau, and became one of his numerous wives at the age of only 16 and gave birth to his son, Jean Baptiste also known as Pomp. She and Charbonneau had followed Lewis and Clark on their journey to map the Pacific Ocean and the Louisiana Purchase carrying his son on her back the whole and entire way. She started out as a follower and became a leader. Can you guess who this resourceful, dependable, and determined woman is? Of course it is Sacagawea, known as the Bird Woman, born among the Shoshoni, or Snake, Indians of Idaho .”)

The writer uses transitions, such as “surprisingly,” “however,” and “instead,” that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Surprisingly, throughout the expedition Sacagawea had been abused by her wife-beating husband, Toussaint Charbonneau. However, because of her determination she had shown zero signs of abuse or complains and proceeded with her son on her back. Instead, Sacagawea maintained a helpful attitude of cheerfulness in the face of hardship.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“Although Sacagawea only had a simple task in the expedition, she remains the greatest American in my heart for various reasons. Sacagawea is one of the few Indians that is recognized and isn't given much credit. Most people don't tend to realize that Sacagawea was responsible for raising the Native American women expectations to a new level of respect and admiration. She made it no excuse that she was a woman and couldn't proceed with the expedition. Sacagawea showed that women, too, are strong by carrying her son on her back the whole way through the expedition.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay shows evidence of good language use and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are used as well.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Although Sacagawea only had a simple task in the expedition, she remains the greatest American in my heart for various reasons. Sacagawea is one of the few Indians that is recognized and isn't given much credit. Most people don't tend to realize that Sacagawea was responsible for raising the Native American women expectations to a new level of respect and admiration. She made it no excuse that she was a woman and couldn't proceed with the expedition. Sacagawea showed that women, too, are strong by carrying her son on her back the whole way through the expedition.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including sentences with exclamations or questions or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“She started out as a follower and became a leader. Can you guess who this resourceful, dependable, and determined woman is? Of course it is Sacagawea, known as the Bird Woman, born among the Shoshoni, or Snake, Indians of Idaho.”)

The complex sentence “Although Sacagawea only had a simple task in the expedition, she remains the greatest American in my heart for various reasons” is used correctly.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within this essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Sacagawea along with Charbonneau and the two explorers, Lewis and Clark, had a crossroads and met at the Mandan 's village. Lewis and Clark decided to hire Charbonneau, however only for the benefit of Sacagawea. Captain Clark wanted Sacagawea to travel with the group because she was resourceful and had a lot to offer for the expedition.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If there was a poll asking Americans who they believe is the greatest American figure, most likely they would say that M.L.K. Jr. is the greatest American figure. One may ask why. Well for one, his people had been discriminated for over 200 years, and yet he still stood up for what he believed in. Secondly, he stood up to anyone in his path and was able to conquer them without violence. And third, he paved the way for civil rights for all people whether black, white, brown, or any other color. Now, let's get into his life in a little more detail.

Since Columbus first discovered America , blacks and browns alike were treated with no respect. They were worked and worked and worked tirelessly for their master (or owner) and got little or no reward. They were treated like dogs. Almost five-hundred years later and still blacks and browns have no respect from white people. But when M.L.K. stepped into the light, everything changed. M.L.K. firmly stood for nonviolence. No matter how many times he was looked down upon, he held his head up high and continued to attempt to earn white's respect. When M.L.K. gave his "I have a dream..." speech, (http://www.thekingcenter.com/mlk/bio.html), many white people were finally on M.L.K.'s side in the struggle for equality of all.

Whenever someone would try to eliminate M.L.K.'s movement, he would use not a pistol, not a knife, nothing. However, his weapon to stop them was his words. M.L.K. was a man of peace. It may be that he preferred a modified saying such as "words speak louder than action." Although M.L.K. had been provoked many times by white people, he stood his ground and continued to fight.

When M.L.K. fought for equality of all, he was paving the way for all civil rights movements. The people of the North wanted to change the southern states' hate for black and brown people. The Civil War had brought about the end of slavery but racial discrimination continued on for another 100 years. M.L.K. believed that everyone was created equally by god. Which was why he bravely fought for equality for all.

Now, some might say M.L.K. is not the greatest American figure. Rather it be for example George Washington, F.D.R., George Patton, or someone else. But, if one was to take a moment and think about how they affected history, one would see that M.L.K. affected history the most.

Looking back at history, M.L.K. should be awarded the title of the greatest American figure. No matter how long his people have been protested against, he stood his ground. No one had the might to stop him. And, civil rights give thanks to M.L.K. and his undauntedness. So M.L.K. deserves title of the greatest American figure.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are demonstrated within this essay. The writer establishes an opinion and adequately attempts to persuade readers ; in addition, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“When M.L.K. fought for equality of all, he was paving the way for all civil rights movements. The people of the North wanted to change the southern states' hate for black and brown people. The Civil War had brought about the end of slavery but racial discrimination continued on for another 100 years. M.L.K. believed that everyone was created equally by god. Which was why he bravely fought for equality for all.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples. (“If there was a poll asking Americans who they believe is the greatest American figure, most likely they would say that M.L.K. Jr. is the greatest American figure. One may ask why. Well for one, his people had been discriminated for over 200 years, and yet he still stood up for what he believed in. Secondly, he stood up to anyone in his path and was able to conquer them without violence. And third, he paved the way for civil rights for all people whether black, white, brown, or any other color. Now, let's get into his life in a little more detail.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely uses slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Now, some might say M.L.K. is not the greatest American figure. Rather it be for example George Washington, F.D.R., George Patton, or someone else. But, if one was to take a moment and think about how they affected history, one would see that M.L.K. affected history the most.”)

Content & Development

This writer demonstrates adequate content and development in his/her essay. Arguments are developed using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The essay also adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view, or counterarguments.

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Now, some might say M.L.K. is not the greatest American figure. Rather it be for example George Washington, F.D.R., George Patton, or someone else. But, if one was to take a moment and think about how they affected history, one would see that M.L.K. affected history the most.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Since Columbus first discovered America , blacks and browns alike were treated with no respect. They were worked and worked and worked tirelessly for their master (or owner) and got little or no reward. They were treated like dogs. Almost five-hundred years later and still blacks and browns have no respect from white people. But when M.L.K. stepped into the light, everything changed. M.L.K. firmly stood for nonviolence. No matter how many times he was looked down upon, he held his head up high and continued to attempt to earn white's respect. When M.L.K. gave his ‘I have a dream...’ speech, (http://www.thekingcenter.com/mlk/bio.html), many white people were finally on M.L.K.'s side in the struggle for equality of all.)”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Since Columbus first discovered America , blacks and browns alike were treated with no respect. They were worked and worked and worked tirelessly for their master (or owner) and got little or no reward. They were treated like dogs. Almost five-hundred years later and still blacks and browns have no respect from white people. But when M.L.K. stepped into the light, everything changed. M.L.K. firmly stood for nonviolence. No matter how many times he was looked down upon, he held his head up high and continued to attempt to earn white's respect. When M.L.K. gave his ‘I have a dream...’ speech, (http://www.thekingcenter.com/mlk/bio.html), many white people were finally on M.L.K.'s side in the struggle for equality of all.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is present in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“If there was a poll asking Americans who they believe is the greatest American figure, most likely they would say that M.L.K. Jr. is the greatest American figure. One may ask why. Well for one, his people had been discriminated for over 200 years, and yet he still stood up for what he believed in. Secondly, he stood up to anyone in his path and was able to conquer them without violence. And third, he paved the way for civil rights for all people whether black, white, brown, or any other color. Now, let's get into his life in a little more detail.”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“If there was a poll asking Americans who they believe is the greatest American figure, most likely they would say that M.L.K. Jr. is the greatest American figure. One may ask why. Well for one, his people had been discriminated for over 200 years, and yet he still stood up for what he believed in. Secondly, he stood up to anyone in his path and was able to conquer them without violence. And third, he paved the way for civil rights for all people whether black, white, brown, or any other color. Now, let's get into his life in a little more detail.”)

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“However, his weapon to stop them was his words. M.L.K. was a man of peace. …Although M.L.K. had been provoked many times by white people, he stood his ground and continued to fight.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Looking back at history, M.L.K. should be awarded the title of the greatest American figure. No matter how long his people have been protested against, he stood his ground. No one had the might to stop him. And, civil rights give thanks to M.L.K. and his undauntedness. So M.L.K. deserves title of the greatest American figure.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits adequate use of language and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“If there was a poll asking Americans who they believe is the greatest American figure, most likely they would say that M.L.K. Jr. is the greatest American figure. One may ask why. Well for one, his people had been discriminated for over 200 years, and yet he still stood up for what he believed in. Secondly, he stood up to anyone in his path and was able to conquer them without violence. And third, he paved the way for civil rights for all people whether black, white, brown, or any other color. Now, let's get into his life in a little more detail.”)

The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including sentences with exclamations or questions or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Whenever someone would try to eliminate M.L.K.'s movement, he would use not a pistol, not a knife, nothing. However, his weapon to stop them was his words. M.L.K. was a man of peace. It may be that he preferred a modified saying such as ‘words speak louder than action.’ Although M.L.K. had been provoked many times by white people, he stood his ground and continued to fight.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, in the following excerpt, the phrases “browns,” “blacks,” and “white people” are used in place of more formal alternatives: “Since Columbus first discovered America , blacks and browns alike were treated with no respect. They were worked and worked and worked tirelessly for their master (or owner) and got little or no reward. They were treated like dogs. Almost five-hundred years later and still blacks and browns have no respect from white people.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay conveys adequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Although some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are apparent, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Looking back at history, M.L.K. should be awarded the title of the greatest American figure. No matter how long his people have been protested against, he stood his ground. No one had the might to stop him. And, civil rights give thanks to M.L.K. and his undauntedness. So M.L.K. deserves title of the greatest American figure.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Harriet Tubman was a american abolitionalist leader, born 1820, a slave in Dorchester, in her youth life she served as field hand and house servant on a Maryland plantation.Then when the year 1844 came she married John Tubman a free african american, about 1849 she escaped to the north and just before the american civil war in 1861. But before she escaped she didn't forget the other slaves including her parents, so she made 19 journals back to lead other slaves to freedom by taking a hidden railroad exit to canada 300 slaves got out. I believe Harriet is a great american because she is a woman of her word and knows how hard life could be when there was no other way to go except the hard way, also she knows how it feels to be victoriest.

By harriet past it lead her to more leads in helping people an associate Fredrick Douglass, John Brown, William H.Seward and other prominent abolitionalists.She became known as moses of her people by using her important station on the escape route during the civil war. Then soon after Tubman served as part of the Union army to help her background of serving people.

Harriet's home was located in Auburn, N.Y., So during her life experience she livied to serve other unfortunte people by giving info to more african americans to exist to continue to use the underground railroad during the wars. Then she served many jobs in the Union as a cook, nurse, spy, and scout, working particularly in the coastal regions of south Carolina , by her later years she let herself maintain a home for aged blacks in Auburn , where she died.

I Believe Harriet Tubman is a Great american because she is a woman of her word and knows how hard life could be when there was no other way to go except the hard way, also she knows how it feels to be victoriest. By my point of view I think harriet achieved her goals during the civil and cold war, and she was still alive people would call her moses of people to this day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay in question demonstrates limited focus and meaning. Though it states a position, the main argument may be unclear or underdeveloped. The writer demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“I believe Harriet is a great american because she is a woman of her word and knows how hard life could be when there was no other way to go except the hard way, also she knows how it feels to be victoriest.”)

A limited number of details are used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“By harriet past it lead her to more leads in helping people an associate Fredrick Douglass, John Brown, William H.Seward and other prominent abolitionalists.She became known as moses of her people by using her important station on the escape route during the civil war. Then soon after Tubman served as part of the Union army to help her background of serving people.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear, convincing, or creative way. (“ I believe Harriet is a great american because she is a woman of her word and knows how hard life could be when there was no other way to go except the hard way, also she knows how it feels to be victoriest.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are present in this essay. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position.

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“By harriet past it lead her to more leads in helping people an associate Fredrick Douglass, John Brown, William H.Seward and other prominent abolitionalists.She became known as moses of her people by using her important station on the escape route during the civil war. Then soon after Tubman served as part of the Union army to help her background of serving people.”)

The essay needs three to five supporting details in each body paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Harriet's home was located in Auburn, N.Y., So during her life experience she livied to serve other unfortunte people by giving info to more african americans to exist to continue to use the underground railroad during the wars. Then she served many jobs in the Union as a cook, nurse, spy, and scout, working particularly in the coastal regions of south Carolina, by her later years she let herself maintain a home for aged blacks in Auburn, where she died.”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. (Details include specific examples, facts, brief narratives or explanations.) (“By harriet past it lead her to more leads in helping people an associate Fredrick Douglass, John Brown, William H.Seward and other prominent abolitionalists.She became known as moses of her people by using her important station on the escape route during the civil war. Then soon after Tubman served as part of the Union army to help her background of serving people.”)

Organization

L imited organization is present in this essay. It contains only some evidence of structure through an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks some paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives some background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Harriet Tubman was a american abolitionalist leader, born 1820, a slave in Dorchester, in her youth life she served as field hand and house servant on a Maryland plantation.Then when the year 1844 came she married John Tubman a free african american, about 1849 she escaped to the north and just before the american civil war in 1861. But before she escaped she didn't forget the other slaves including her parents, so she made 19 journals back to lead other slaves to freedom by taking a hidden railroad exit to canada 300 slaves got out. I believe Harriet is a great american because she is a woman of her word and knows how hard life could be when there was no other way to go except the hard way, also she knows how it feels to be victoriest.”)

The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. (“By harriet past it lead her to more leads in helping people an associate Fredrick Douglass, John Brown, William H.Seward and other prominent abolitionalists.She became known as moses of her people by using her important station on the escape route during the civil war. Then soon after Tubman served as part of the Union army to help her background of serving people.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“I Believe Harriet Tubman is a Great american because she is a woman of her word and knows how hard life could be when there was no other way to go except the hard way, also she knows how it feels to be victoriest. By my point of view I think harriet achieved her goals during the civil and cold war, and she was still alive people would call her moses of people to this day.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay shows limited use of language and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, as well as some awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The writer employs limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I believe Harriet is a great american because she is a woman of her word and knows how hard life could be when there was no other way to go except the hard way, also she knows how it feels to be victoriest.”)

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“By harriet past it lead her to more leads in helping people an associate Fredrick Douglass, John Brown, William H.Seward and other prominent abolitionalists.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“I believe Harriet is a great american because she is a woman of her word and knows how hard life could be when there was no other way to go except the hard way, also she knows how it feels to be victoriest.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows limited control of mechanics and conventions. It features several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ By harriet past it lead her to more leads in helping people an associate Fredrick Douglass, John Brown, William H.Seward and other prominent abolitionalists.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everyone has a American figure my American figure is Micheal Jordan is my figure.I love basketball that's why is he my favorite because he is never on the news for bad things only things that has to do with basketball and giving to the homeless and the people that need things. He was the best basketball player and he didn't go to jail when he start to play basketball . He was a very athletic basketball player.

He play for the chigo bulls and for the wizards he play golf and he had movies out called space jams. You never heard of him getting into any trouble like all the other basketball player he played baseball and he gave money to lots of foundations in Africa .

Handsome as he is he doesn't have a wife but he dose have kids that he spend allot of his time around and that's

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating a thesis, shows minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly-defined opinion about the issue. (“Everyone has a American figure my American figure is Micheal Jordan is my figure.I love basketball that's why is he my favorite because he is never on the news for bad things only things that has to do with basketball and giving to the homeless and the people that need things. He was the best basketball player and he didn't go to jail when he start to play basketball . He was a very athletic basketball player.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“Everyone has a American figure my American figure is Micheal Jordan is my figure.I love basketball that's why is he my favorite because he is never on the news for bad things only things that has to do with basketball and giving to the homeless and the people that need things. He was the best basketball player and he didn't go to jail when he start to play basketball . He was a very athletic basketball player.”)

The writer also fails to identify the purpose of the essay and its intended audience in the introduction. (“Everyone has a American figure my American figure is Micheal Jordan is my figure.I love basketball that's why is he my favorite because he is never on the news for bad things only things that has to do with basketball and giving to the homeless and the people that need things. He was the best basketball player and he didn't go to jail when he start to play basketball . He was a very athletic basketball player.”)

Content & Development

M inimal content and development are present in this essay. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“He play for the chigo bulls and for the wizards he play golf and he had movies out called space jams. You never heard of him getting into any trouble like all the other basketball player he played baseball and he gave money to lots of foundations in Africa .”)

The writer fails to include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“He play for the chigo bulls and for the wizards he play golf and he had movies out called space jams. You never heard of him getting into any trouble like all the other basketball player he played baseball and he gave money to lots of foundations in Africa . Handsome as he is he doesn't have a wife but he dose have kids that he spend allot of his time around and that's”)

Minimal details are used explain and illustrate the evidence. (“He play for the chigo bulls and for the wizards he play golf and he had movies out called space jams. You never heard of him getting into any trouble like all the other basketball player he played baseball and he gave money to lots of foundations in Africa . Handsome as he is he doesn't have a wife but he dose have kids that he spend allot of his time around and that's”)

Organization

The essay displays minimal organization. It shows little evidence of structure, paragraphing, or transitional devices and has a poor introduction and conclusion.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by presenting a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“Everyone has a American figure my American figure is Micheal Jordan is my figure.I love basketball that's why is he my favorite because he is never on the news for bad things only things that has to do with basketball and giving to the homeless and the people that need things. He was the best basketball player and he didn't go to jail when he start to play basketball . He was a very athletic basketball player.”)

Transitions are not used between paragraphs and sentences. (“Everyone has a American figure my American figure is Micheal Jordan is my figure.I love basketball that's why is he my favorite because he is never on the news for bad things only things that has to do with basketball and giving to the homeless and the people that need things. He was the best basketball player and he didn't go to jail when he start to play basketball . He was a very athletic basketball player. He play for the chigo bulls and for the wizards he play golf and he had movies out called space jams. You never heard of him getting into any trouble like all the other basketball player he played baseball and he gave money to lots of foundations in Africa . Handsome as he is he doesn't have a wife but he dose have kids that he spend allot of his time around and that's”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“Handsome as he is he doesn't have a wife but he dose have kids that he spend allot of his time around and that's”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is demonstrated in this essay. The writer uses poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer should consider using a thesaurus to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“ Everyone has a American figure my American figure is Micheal Jordan is my figure.I love basketball that's why is he my favorite because he is never on the news for bad things only things that has to do with basketball and giving to the homeless and the people that need things. He was the best basketball player and he didn't go to jail when he start to play basketball . He was a very athletic basketball player.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ Everyone has a American figure my American figure is Micheal Jordan is my figure.I love basketball that's why is he my favorite because he is never on the news for bad things only things that has to do with basketball and giving to the homeless and the people that need things. He was the best basketball player and he didn't go to jail when he start to play basketball . He was a very athletic basketball player.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“ He play for the chigo bulls and for the wizards he play golf and he had movies out called space jams. You never heard of him getting into any trouble like all the other basketball player he played baseball and he gave money to lots of foundations in Africa .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows minimal control over the use of mechanics and conventions. It displays patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“He play for the chigo bulls and for the wizards he play golf and he had movies out called space jams. You never heard of him getting into any trouble like all the other basketball player he played baseball and he gave money to lots of foundations in Africa . Handsome as he is he doesn't have a wife but he dose have kids that he spend allot of his time around and that's”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave.

he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him.

Abraham lincoln is was cool and it would be cool to met him. Abraham lincoln is my roul modow

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has inadequate focus and meaning. This brief piece of writing demonstrates almost no effort at stating a thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly-defined position about the issue. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang and other versions of informal language. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him. Abraham lincoln is was cool and it would be cool to met him. Abraham lincoln is my roul modow”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays inadequate content and development. There is little attempt made to use details to support the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view, or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him.”)

The writer fails to include at least three main ideas as supports for the argument. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him.”)

Organization

I nadequate organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no obvious, appropriate introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of transitional devices.

The essay lacks an effective introduction. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave.”)

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave.”)

The writer does not make an effort to create effective supporting paragraphs. (“he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Abraham lincoln is was cool and it would be cool to met him. Abraham lincoln is my roul modow”)

Language Use & Style

The essay in question demonstrates inadequate language use and style. The writer uses unclear or incoherent language and word choice, displays no awareness of audience, and includes major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not use descriptive or persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“ abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him. Abraham lincoln is was cool and it would be cool to met him. Abraham lincoln is my roul modow”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him. Abraham lincoln is was cool and it would be cool to met him. Abraham lincoln is my roul modow”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“ abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions, with errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“abraham lincoln . is the best president that we have ever had. he help the black get free and not be a slave. he was are 16 president. he was elecad president in 1861-1865. I think that he in the best prssdident we have had. he was shoot in the in the teter. it was sad. then we got andrew johnson and i do not i do not now much about him. Abraham lincoln is was cool and it would be cool to met him. Abraham lincoln is my roul modow”)

Healthier Food Options at School

For many years, there have been snack machines in your school cafeteria, which sell things like candy bars, cupcakes, and sugary sodas. During the school year, many parents have asked the principal to have healthier food options introduced at your school. However, before making any changes to the menus in the cafeteria and the snacks in the machine, the principal must get permission from the school board.

Before asking the school board to consider these changes, your principal would like to hear students' opinions on whether or not healthier food options for lunch would be a welcome change. Do you want to see healthier foods in your cafeteria, or are you happy with your options as they are now?

Write a letter to your school principal explaining your position on healthier food options at school. Use examples, facts, and other evidence to support your point of view.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

While in their adolescent stage of life, teenagers that are in Jr. High have a few things that are very important for them. Three of these things are education, support, and healthy food. It is very important that all teenagers receive these three things if they want to progress in life to their highest abilities. At Smithville Jr. High, however, there is a problem with one of these three things. Smithville Jr. High has not been providing its students with the nutritious foods that are needed to keep a teenager going. Instead, this school has been allowing its students to fill themselves up with junk food, the very stuff that will cause them to do worse in school. Smithville Jr. High should switch out all of the unhealthy, sugary foods in the vending machines for nutritious foods because the students would do better academically, the students would learn to make better choices, and because there would also be more order in the school.

Students who are eating healthy foods on a regular basis tend to do better academically than the students who choose to fill themselves up on junk food. Right now, Smithville Jr. High seems to be discouraging its students to be this way, and seems to be encouraging failure. Some may question why this is, but it really isn't that difficult to point out. If someone were to judge a school based on what kind of food it served its students through vending machines, they would think that the students in this school are stupid. That is not true. It is true, though, that people "are what they eat." By changing the food in the vending machines at this school to be of a more nutritious (but still delicious) type, even more students would be doing better in their classes and they would get better grades. This is because they would be able to focus more on what they are learning and they would be able to process the new information, and keep it.

In a Jr. High, there are more things taught and learned than just mathematics, sciences, and languages. In this learning environment, habits and correct way of making choices are formed. Right now, Smithville Jr. High is teaching its students that it is okay to make poor decisions in the foods to eat and that it will not affect anyone anyway. This is wrong. The students at this school deserve better. They deserve to learn that, when they eat healthy foods, they can do better in many areas of their life. If this school switches out the bad food in the vending machines for good food, the students will learn that they can be just as happy with food without all the sugar.

Another great thing that would come into affect, if Smithville got rid of its junk food, is that there would be more order and less chaos in the school. When students, especially Jr. High students, are hyped up on sugar, they tend to go a little crazy and things easily get out of hand in the classrooms. One average adult cannot control thirty hyper fourteen-year-olds. Once the kids get going, order is not easily achieved. If these young students were eating healthier foods with a lot less sugar and caffeine, things would get out of control a lot less easily. The students would be having fewer sugar rushes and would be able to focus more easily.

In conclusion, Smithville Jr. High should switch out the unhealthy, sugary foods in the vending machines for yummy, nutritious foods that the students would still love. The students in this school would improve greatly in their academics. They would also learn to make better choices in life. The teachers would be spared many headaches because there would be a lot more order in the school. When given the choice of fruit snacks or a cookie, and juice or a soda, the average teenager would normally choose the cookie and the soda. However, if the fruit snacks and the juice were the only options, the students would know no difference and would be healthier.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the readers. The writer also demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and completes all parts of the task. The author effectively uses words that are appropriate for the audience. (“Right now, Smithville Jr. High seems to be discouraging its students to be this way, and seems to be encouraging failure. Some may question why this is, but it really isn't that difficult to point out.”) The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Smithville Jr. High should switch out all of the unhealthy, sugary foods in the vending machines for nutritious foods because the students would do better academically, the students would learn to make better choices, and because there would also be more order in the school.”) The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about healthy food options in school. (“ By changing the food in the vending machines at this school to be of a more nutritious . . . type, even more students would be doing better in their classes and they would get better grades.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments using a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, the writer effectively addresses readers’ concerns in different ways. (“Right now, Smithville Jr. High seems to be discouraging its students to be this way, and seems to be encouraging failure. Some may question why this is, but it really isn't that difficult to point out. . . . It is true, though, that people ‘are what they eat.’”) The author uses a variety of facts, examples, and anecdotes. (“Another great thing that would come into affect, if Smithville got rid of its junk food, is that there would be more order and less chaos in the school. When students, especially Jr. High students, are hyped up on sugar, they tend to go a little crazy and things easily get out of hand in the classrooms.”) Details are convincing. (“One average adult cannot control thirty hyper fourteen-year-olds. Once the kids get going, order is not easily achieved. If these young students were eating healthier foods with a lot less sugar and caffeine, things would get out of control a lot less easily.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. It exhibits a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is seen throughout. In particular, the writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“While in their adolescent stage of life, teenagers that are in Jr. High have a few things that are very important for them. Three of these things are education, support, and healthy food. It is very important that all teenagers receive these three things if they want to progress in life to their highest abilities.”) The writer states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Smithville Jr. High should switch out all of the unhealthy, sugary foods in the vending machines for nutritious foods because the students would do better academically, the students would learn to make better choices, and because there would also be more order in the school.”) The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“In conclusion, Smithville Jr. High should switch out the unhealthy, sugary foods in the vending machines for yummy, nutritious foods that the students would still love. The students in this school would improve greatly in their academics. They would also learn to make better choices in life.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, he/she uses well-structured and varied sentences throughout. T he writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Right now, Smithville Jr. High seems to be discouraging its students to be this way, and seems to be encouraging failure. Some may question why this is, but it really isn't that difficult to point out.”) The language and tone are consistent. (“If someone were to judge a school based on what kind of food it served its students through vending machines, they would think that the students in this school are stupid. That is not true. It is true, though, that people ‘are what they eat.’”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“In a Jr. High, there are more things taught and learned than just mathematics, sciences, and languages. In this learning environment, habits and correct way of making choices are formed. Right now, Smithville Jr. High is teaching its students that it is okay to make poor decisions in the foods to eat and that it will not affect anyone anyway. This is wrong.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Right now, Smithville Jr. High is teaching its students that it is okay to make poor decisions in the foods to eat and that it will not affect anyone anyway. This is wrong. The students at this school deserve better. They deserve to learn that, when they eat healthy foods, they can do better in many areas of their life. If this school switches out the bad food in the vending machines for good food, the students will learn that they can be just as happy with food without all the sugar.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Never eat more than you can lift," Miss Piggy said. Food is an important part of our lives. However, we need to reexamine how our diets and eating habits need to be changed. Far too many people in society abuse food and live an unhealthy lifestyle that will ultimately cause death prematurely. At school, students take advantage of candy and treats because they have vending machines which make it too easy to overeat unhealthy snacks. There are three reasons why students should be provided with healthier food. One, students are becoming obese because of the non-healthy food available in schools. Healthy food will improve students' cognitive function, increase health, and provide more energy. Our school needs to provide healthy choices and lessen the temptation for making poor choices so students will be healthy, better students, and most of all, happy.

All of that junk food that students eat can really damage your brain. If you eat healthier, it will increase the students grades and help the students get smarter. The smarter you are, the more knowledge you will obtain, the better it will help you in life. Making healthy food choices is important at any age. In fact have you ever had your mother tell you to eat your vegetables? Well you should listen to your mom because she is right. Recently new medical evidence shows that whatever you eat (junk food) actually affects your brain.

One reason one might say that changing junk food vending machines into healthier options is that it makes children more healthy. Children in the United S tates are becoming increasingly obese according to the American Heart Association. "Obesity among young Americans is a serious problem that can have serious ramifications in the long run." Healthiness is school needs to be changed in the vending machines, so let’s take a stand and make a difference.

If the principal in your school puts in healthier food and snacks, students will have more energy. If you put in granola bars, bread, fruit, etc., in the vending machines, then students can lose a lot of weight. Most people love to get outside, but have you noticed that obese people just stay inside and be lazy? When individuals are inactive, they increase the likelihood of heart disease and also place themselves at risks for high blood pressure. That is because kids get candy from the vending machines in the schools and go home to snack out. We should put an end to this and put healthier foods in vending machines.

Non-healthy food in vending machines should be banned from schools because they need to have healthier food. Healthier food will improve your brain and make you have more energy. Linda A., from the S mithburg Valley school district, said, "You won't find candy bars in vending machines in our schools anywhere." Let’s follow her advice by eliminating the junk food from our vending machines.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion to persuade his/her readers. The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and the writer completes most parts of the task. In particular, the writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a quotation. (“‘Never eat more than you can lift,’ Miss Piggy said. Food is an important part of our lives. However, we need to reexamine how our diets and eating habits need to be changed.”) The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Our school needs to provide healthy choices and lessen the temptation for making poor choices so students will be healthy, better students, and most of all, happy.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“If the principal in your school puts in healthier food and snacks, students will have more energy. If you put in granola bars, bread, fruit, etc., in the vending machines, then students can lose a lot of weight.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops arguments using specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Also, he/she clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or potential counterarguments. Specifically, the writer includes interesting facts and anecdotes that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Making healthy food choices is important at any age. In fact have you ever had your mother tell you to eat your vegetables? Well you should listen to your mom because she is right. Recently new medical evidence shows that whatever you eat . . . actually affects your brain.”) The writer addresses readers’ concerns in different ways. (“All of that junk food that students eat can really damage your brain. If you eat healthier, it will increase the students grades and help the students get smarter. The smarter you are, the more knowledge you will obtain, the better it will help you in life.”) Additionally, the writer’s details are convincing. (“Children in the United S tates are becoming increasingly obese according to the American Heart Association. ‘Obesity among young Americans is a serious problem that can have serious ramifications in the long run.’”)

Organization

This essay exhibits good organization. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is also consistent use of paragraphing devices throughout. Initially, the writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Far too many people in society abuse food and live an unhealthy lifestyle that will ultimately cause death prematurely. At school, students take advantage of candy and treats because they have vending machines which make it too easy to overeat unhealthy snacks.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“All of that junk food that students eat can really damage your brain. If you eat healthier, it will increase the students grades and help the students get smarter. The smarter you are, the more knowledge you will obtain, the better it will help you in life.”) The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“Linda A., from the S mithburg Valley school district, said, ‘You won't find candy bars in vending machines in our schools anywhere.’ Let’s follow her advice by eliminating the junk food from our vending machines.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay contains good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, well-structured sentences with some variety are present. Specifically, the writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“When individuals are inactive, they increase the likelihood of heart disease and also place themselves at risks for high blood pressure. That is because kids get candy from the vending machines in the schools and go home to snack out. We should put an end to this and put healthier foods in vending machines.”) The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including exclamations or questions. (“In fact have you ever had your mother tell you to eat your vegetables? Well you should listen to your mom because she is right.”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“If the principal in your school puts in healthier food and snacks, students will have more energy. If you put in granola bars, bread, fruit, etc., in the vending machines, then students can lose a lot of weight.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message. For example, sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Non-healthy food in vending machines should be banned from schools because they need to have healthier food. Healthier food will improve your brain and make you have more energy. Linda A., from the Smithburg Valley school district, said, ‘You won't find candy bars in vending machines in our schools anywhere.’ Let’s follow her advice by eliminating the junk food from our vending machines.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At Smithville Junior High there is a great problem with health and healthy choices. Students should be given the opportunity to have healthy things that will not make them gain weight, get sick, or get sugared up.

Some students at this school are trying very hard to stay in shape and to stay skinny, but with the schools lunches and vending machines the student does not do a very good job. It is true that the student could bring home lunches and snacks. They could use self control but when you have not eaten anything for breakfast and are starving, you just cannot stand it. It would just be more of a comfort for people to know they are eating something healthy that will not make them fat. Some of the students at Smithville Junior High are very concerned. During lunch students ask themselves what the healthiest thing is that they can eat but do not have anythng healthy to choose from.

Nearly every day students have to call their parents to tell them they are sick and need to be picked up. Their parents have to leave work and pick up their child. Later they find that their child had eaten three candy bars from the vending machine that morning. The parents know for a fact that the reason for the sickness is the candy bar. After losing a day of work the parents call the school to recomend putting healthier snacks in the machines. This is probably why so many kids miss school all the time. If a student really wanted to eat all that garbage, they could just bring it from home to school.

When students have too much sugar, they get out of hand. They do things they never would have if they have not had the sugar at all. This causes students to focus on other things besides school. Next their grades drop. Then a parent calls asking why their child has such low grades. Finally the teacher explains that the student is not taking the class seriously. In reality it was the school who gave the kid the sugar. Yes the child can still have self control but if the machines are causing trouble for the school and the parents, why not just take them out to solve the problem?

Students are gaining weight, getting sick, and having too much unhealthy food from the vending machines and lunches. If all this changed, parents, students, and teachers alike would be happier, healthier, and more involved with what they are supposed to be involved in. The school should want the best for the students. They can show that they do by putting healthier choices in the machines and on the menu.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers; furthermore, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Specifically, the writer adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“At Smithville Junior High there is a great problem with health and healthy choices. Students should be given the opportunity to have healthy things that will not make them gain weight, get sick, or get sugared up.”) Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“When students have too much sugar, they get out of hand. They do things they never would have if they have not had the sugar at all. This causes students to focus on other things besides school.”) The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. (“Students are gaining weight, getting sick, and having too much unhealthy food from the vending machines and lunches. If all this changed, parents, students, and teachers alike would be happier, healthier, and more involved with what they are supposed to be involved in.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. The writer also adequately addresses his/her readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, the writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“It is true that the student could bring home lunches and snacks. They could use self control but when you have not eaten anything for breakfast and are starving, you just cannot stand it.”) The writer includes some examples that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Next their grades drop. Then a parent calls asking why their child has such low grades. Finally the teacher explains that the student is not taking the class seriously. In reality it was the school who gave the kid the sugar.”) Furthermore, most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“It would just be more of a comfort for people to know they are eating something healthy that will not make them fat. Some of the students at Smithville Junior High are very concerned.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. There is a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is also evidence of transitional and paragraphing devices. Initially, t he writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“At Smithville Junior High there is a great problem with health and healthy choices.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“When students have too much sugar, they get out of hand. They do things they never would have if they have not had the sugar at all. This causes students to focus on other things besides school. Next their grades drop. Then a parent calls asking why their child has such low grades.”) The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“The school should want the best for the students. They can show that they do by putting healthier choices in the machines and on the menu.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; he/she generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Finally the teacher explains that the student is not taking the class seriously. In reality it was the school who gave the kid the sugar.”) However, word choice and sentence structure are sometimes poor. (“After losing a day of work the parents call the school to recomend putting healthier snacks in the machines. This is probably why so many kids miss school all the time. If a student really wanted to eat all that garbage, they could just bring it from home to school.”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“When students have too much sugar, they get out of hand. They do things they never would have if they have not had the sugar at all.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ When students have too much sugar, they get out of hand. They do things they never would have if they have not had the sugar at all. This causes students to focus on other things besides school. Next their grades drop. Then a parent calls asking why their child has such low grades. Finally the teacher explains that the student is not taking the class seriously. In reality it was the school who gave the kid the sugar.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi my name is Ellie and I think that we should put healthier foods in vending machines because one, they're better for you, two, this is a school, and three, our future. If you'd like to hear more about my ideas please proceed.

It's good for you. Apples bananas, strawberries, pears. These are all great and healthy snacks. They taste good and are good for you. It's a win-win thing if you know what I mean? Try it.

This is a school. Think about it, what are schools for. Learning. Learning how to spell, do math, english, science, all that stuff. What about food choices. That's an important thing to learn. If they teach all that all that other stuff, why can't they teach us better food choices?

Our future. Obesity, heart attacks, there all scary. Do you know what somebody said on Oprah? Most generations, people get older, but for ouers, they say we will die around the age of 60! That's younger tahn my grandparents. I want to live a long, happy life. By giving me and other kids the food we need, well maybe our generation will live a long time too.

So, you've heard about the good stuff, the school purposes, and the future of our generation. I hope you've enjoyed hearing about why we should get healthier foods at our school. Hey, maybe it will start a Chain Reaction. Cool! Well, thanks, bye!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion, but it is unclear and underdeveloped. Furthermore, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task. In particular, the essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“ Hi my name is Ellie and I think that we should put healthier foods in vending machines because one, they're better for you, two, this is a school, and three, our future. If you'd like to hear more about my ideas please proceed.”) There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“It's good for you. Apples bananas, strawberries, pears. These are all great and healthy snacks. They taste good and are good for you. It's a win-win thing if you know what I mean? Try it.”) The writer’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ So, you've heard about the good stuff, the school purposes, and the future of our generation. I hope you've enjoyed hearing about why we should get healthier foods at our school. Hey, maybe it will start a Chain Reaction. Cool! Well, thanks, bye!”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, with insufficient details used to support the author’s position. The writer does not attempt to adequately address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. However, the writer does include some explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“It's good for you. Apples bananas, strawberries, pears. These are all great and healthy snacks. They taste good and are good for you. It's a win-win thing if you know what I mean? Try it.”) For the most part, the explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“This is a school. Think about it, what are schools for. Learning. Learning how to spell, do math, english, science, all that stuff. What about food choices. That's an important thing to learn. If they teach all that all that other stuff, why can't they teach us better food choices?”) The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. (“Our future. Obesity, heart attacks, there all scary. Do you know what somebody said on Oprah? Most generations, people get older, but for ouers, they say we will die around the age of 60! That's younger tahn my grandparents.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; the essay also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“Hi my name is Ellie and I think that we should put healthier foods in vending machines because one, they're better for you, two, this is a school, and three, our future. If you'd like to hear more about my ideas please proceed.”) The limited use of transitional devices may not lead readers to a logical conclusion. (“This is a school. Think about it, what are schools for. Learning. Learning how to spell, do math, english, science, all that stuff. What about food choices. That's an important thing to learn.”) The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“So, you've heard about the good stuff, the school purposes, and the future of our generation. I hope you've enjoyed hearing about why we should get healthier foods at our school. Hey, maybe it will start a Chain Reaction. Cool! Well, thanks, bye!”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. It exhibits simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, the essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Hi my name is Ellie and I think that we should put healthier foods in vending machines because one, they're better for you, two, this is a school, and three, our future. If you'd like to hear more about my ideas please proceed.”) Sentences lack well-developed structure. (“Our future. Obesity, heart attacks, there all scary. Do you know what somebody said on Oprah? Most generations, people get older, but for ouers, they say we will die around the age of 60!”) There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“This is a school. Think about it, what are schools for. Learning. Learning how to spell, do math, english, science, all that stuff. What about food choices. That's an important thing to learn.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates a limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence contains a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“Our future. Obesity, heart attacks, there all scary. Do you know what somebody said on Oprah? Most generations, people get older, but for ouers, they say we will die around the age of 60! That's younger tahn my grandparents. I want to live a long, happy life. By giving me and other kids the food we need, well maybe our generation will live a long time too.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mrs. Ballou,

I think that we should have healthier choices in the snack machines at our school. The reason for that is because I think the kids in this school are over eating or not eating healthy enough. We all need to watch what we eat as well as watch what we over eat. I think we can still have candy bars, cupcakes, and sugary sodas as long as we have water, more fruit, or more healthy choices. The lunch options at our school are more unhealthy then the machines and we need to make some changes. Like instead of pizza we should just stay with the Subs. The pizza is to greasy, we need to get better pizza or just take it off the menu. I like the salads a lot but they all have meat in them, and I think that we should change that. We should get more salads with NO meat, because most everyone here are vegetarians.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion and demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes few parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“I think that we should have healthier choices in the snack machines at our school. The reason for that is because I think the kids in this school are over eating or not eating healthy enough.”) In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“ The reason for that is because I think the kids in this school are over eating or not eating healthy enough. We all need to watch what we eat as well as watch what we over eat. ”) The essay lacks awareness of audience by including versions of informal language. (“The pizza is to greasy, we need to get better pizza or just take it off the menu. I like the salads a lot but they all have meat in them, and I think that we should change that.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position. The writer should consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, there is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“I think that we should have healthier choices in the snack machines at our school. The reason for that is because I think the kids in this school are over eating or not eating healthy enough. We all need to watch what we eat as well as watch what we over eat.”) Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the evidence that is provided. (“The lunch options at our school are more unhealthy then the machines and we need to make some changes. Like instead of pizza we should just stay with the Subs. The pizza is to greasy, we need to get better pizza or just take it off the menu.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“I like the salads a lot but they all have meat in them, and I think that we should change that. We should get more salads with NO meat, because most everyone here are vegetarians.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. The essay exhibits little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; moreover, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices seen within the essay. Specifically, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think that we should have healthier choices in the snack machines at our school. The reason for that is because I think the kids in this school are over eating or not eating healthy enough. We all need to watch what we eat as well as watch what we over eat. ”) The essay does not contain effective supporting paragraphs. (“ I think we can still have candy bars, cupcakes, and sugary sodas as long as we have water, more fruit, or more healthy choices. The lunch options at our school are more unhealthy then the machines and we need to make some changes. ”) The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ I like the salads a lot but they all have meat in them, and I think that we should change that. We should get more salads with NO meat, because most everyone here are vegetarians. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates minimal language use and style. The writer uses poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. In addition, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Specifically, the essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I think that we should have healthier choices in the snack machines at our school. The reason for that is because I think the kids in this school are over eating or not eating healthy enough.”) Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Like instead of pizza we should just stay with the Subs. The pizza is to greasy, we need to get better pizza or just take it off the menu.”) The variety of sentences in this essay is minimal. (“I like the salads a lot but they all have meat in them, and I think that we should change that. We should get more salads with NO meat, because most everyone here are vegetarians.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“The lunch options at our school are more unhealthy then the machines and we need to make some changes. Like instead of pizza we should just stay with the Subs. The pizza is to greasy, we need to get better pizza or just take it off the menu. I like the salads a lot but they all have meat in them, and I think that we should change that. We should get more salads with NO meat, because most everyone here are vegetarians.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

i think that we should have more healther choices at school because student dont get healthy food any were eals so i think that we should have healthy food at school and more healther choices at school. my first reason is to be healthy my second reason is to have healthy choices my third reason is the students will fall asleep in class if they eat to much junk food. my frist reason is to be healthy studens need to be healthy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position and little effort is made to persuade his/her readers. The writer completes few or no parts of the task. In particular, the essay does not state a clearly-defined position about the issue and lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“i think that we should have more healther choices at school because student dont get healthy food any were eals so i think that we should have healthy food at school and more healther choices at school. my first reason is to be healthy my second reason is to have healthy choices my third reason is the students will fall asleep in class if they eat to much junk food. my frist reason is to be healthy studens need to be healthy.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer makes little or no attempt to use details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. Likewise, there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“i think that we should have more healther choices at school because student dont get healthy food any were eals so i think that we should have healthy food at school and more healther choices at school. my first reason is to be healthy my second reason is to have healthy choices my third reason is the students will fall asleep in class if they eat to much junk food. my frist reason is to be healthy studens need to be healthy.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay contains no evidence of structure with an introduction or conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices within the essay. Specifically, the essay does not contain an effective introduction, effective supporting paragraphs, or a strong conclusion. (“i think that we should have more healther choices at school because student dont get healthy food any were eals so i think that we should have healthy food at school and more healther choices at school. my first reason is to be healthy my second reason is to have healthy choices my third reason is the students will fall asleep in class if they eat to much junk food. my frist reason is to be healthy studens need to be healthy.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no awareness of audience. The essay also contains major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Also, sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“i think that we should have more healther choices at school because student dont get healthy food any were eals so i think that we should have healthy food at school and more healther choices at school. my first reason is to be healthy my second reason is to have healthy choices my third reason is the students will fall asleep in class if they eat to much junk food. my frist reason is to be healthy studens need to be healthy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. In particular, the writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent new paragraphs, and follow capitalization conventions. (“i think that we should have more healther choices at school because student dont get healthy food any were eals so i think that we should have healthy food at school and more healther choices at school. my first reason is to be healthy my second reason is to have healthy choices my third reason is the students will fall asleep in class if they eat to much junk food. my frist reason is to be healthy studens need to be healthy.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Helicopter Parents

Your school just created a new student organization called "Debate Club" which you have joined. The first topic up for debate is: Does too much parental involvement hinder a child's independence? To prepare for the first meeting, you must determine your opinion about this topic based on all of the information you have read and analyzed, as well as your own experiences.

Determine your position on the topic: Does too much parental involvement hinder a child's independence? Then write a well-developed essay in which you make a claim that clearly answers this question. Defend your claim with clear reasons and relevant evidence from the sources you have read, viewed, and analyzed, as well as from your own experience.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Parents today spend more time worrying about their kids' futures and decisions rather than on their own needs. From daily lives to the school environment, parents prove to be a constant factor in their children's experiences and daily activities. The parents eventually become so involved that society recognizes them as "helicopter parents." Helicopter parenting is when a parent hovers, like a helicopter, over their child like a shield and becomes extremely involved with every aspect of their children's lives. Parents can develop these habits as soon as their baby is born and may carry on through college and adulthood. Many arguments surrounding this behavior are addressed in various articles and the news. Eventually, the controversial question arose of whether or not this "helicopter parenting" is hindering children's abilities. While there are many opinions on the topic, I believe that involved parenting is beneficial, but parents should avoid making themselves too big of an influence in their children's lives. Children need advice from their parents, but they must still learn to be independent. This type of parenting can also prove to be beneficial for both the child and the parent.

First and foremost, though society may not believe the reality, children need the advice their parents can provide. Their parents have lived through all of their lives' events and experiences, and can provide useful information to their children. They can guide their children past life-changing mistakes and dangers, proving to be a lighthouse guiding their children past the rocky seas of life. As many concerned parents would argue, "There are a lot of problems and issues they aren't ready to face alone yet" (Fletcher). Children need an adult in their life to provide them with advice and support to get through the stress and obstacles of life they will encounter. I have a friend whose parents are not very involved with her school. All of the stress from high school and her classes are built up inside of her, without anybody to help her relieve it. In fact, she ends up coming to me for help with her work and dealing with all the stress. As one mother believes, "Having a parent continue to be a frequent presence in their school lives is one of the best ways to ensure young adolescents don't make too many big mistakes" (Fletcher). Without the involved parenting that society seems to despise, there would be adults who had more undesirable memories than necessary.

On the other hand, parents shouldn't be too involved. Children still need to learn to be independent and on their own in the real world. As many people believe, "too much help will be detrimental to their child's independence" (Whitbourne 2). In a country like America, independence is an important factor in citizens' lives. Parents shouldn't suppress that right in their children, even though they have the positive intention of helping them. Too much interfering from parents is having a statistical effect on the children today. From studies conducted, "young adults entering college... are somewhat lacking in life skills like self-reliance, sharing, and conflict resolution" (Whitbourne 8). In addition to this evidence, there are many evident signs of less independence and over-parenting. I know people who don't go anywhere without their friends' opinions on their idea, along with refusing to make even the smallest decisions without their parents. However, no matter what society claims, involved parenting is not completely detrimental, as long as the parents' habits do not become over-involved.

The final reason to keep in mind is that involved parenting has the capability of being beneficial for both the parents and their child. "Children whose parents provided them with intense support experienced higher outcomes" (Strauss 5). No matter what society claims and defends, "Helicoptered children actually had higher life satisfaction and more clearly defined goals" (Strauss 5). The children that are "victims" of helicopter parenting are actually benefitting from their parents' behavior. Contrary to what society believes, parents are not "suffering" like their children, unhappy with their decisions. In fact, "parents of young adults report fewer depressive symptoms when they are heavily involved with their kids" (Strauss 2). While many believe over-protective parents would be more depressed with the fact that they work and watch over their children all day, they are happier with the fact that they are protecting their children.

Many studies have shown that over-parenting is not completely detrimental; nevertheless, many people still have their doubts. They believe parents can get too involved in their child's life, to the point where it becomes detrimental. Parents will get so caught up in trying to protect their children that they become oblivious to the possible side effects. However, as parents, they have a responsibility to know when they have crossed the line. If they do mean well for their children, then they should subconsciously realize when it is time to tone down their parenting and affections. Many parents have come face-to-face with reality already. They are trying hard to avoid being overprotective and an obvious helicopter parent. One interviewed parent stated that "letting her son fail is one of the hardest things" (Today) but that she knows that "[she] has to do it" (Today). People's doubts have been addressed by the responding actions of the parents being criticized. This shows that parents are very well aware of what their actions are triggering, so there should be no qualms about letting them continue on with their parenting style.

With all of this information in mind, I truly believe being an involved parent is not completely detrimental to the child. Children need the advice from reliable adults, but they must also learn to be independent with their choices in their lives. Society should do well to remember that parents have the natural mindset of doing what they believe is best for their children. They should be allowed to be as affectionate as they want if they believe it will have a positive effect on their child's wellbeing. In other words, society is telling parents how to raise their children, believing every child is suffering from the over-involved parenting. Overall, we should be grateful for the fact that parents today are extremely willing to be involved and loving, instead of ignorant and unconcerned for their child's future and safety.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The writer satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After capturing the readers’ attention, the writer follows with his/her position concerning the debate. (“Many arguments surrounding this behavior are addressed in various articles and the news. Eventually, the controversial question arose of whether or not this ‘helicopter parenting’ is hindering children's abilities. While there are many opinions on the topic, I believe that involved parenting is beneficial, but parents should avoid making themselves too big of an influence in their children's lives. Children need advice from their parents, but they must still learn to be independent. This type of parenting can also prove to be beneficial for both the child and the parent.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s position. (“First and foremost, though society may not believe the reality, children need the advice their parents can provide. Their parents have lived through all of their lives' events and experiences, and can provide useful information to their children. They can guide their children past life-changing mistakes and dangers, proving to be a lighthouse guiding their children past the rocky seas of life. As many concerned parents would argue, ‘There are a lot of problems and issues they aren't ready to face alone yet’ (Fletcher). Children need an adult in their life to provide them with advice and support to get through the stress and obstacles of life they will encounter.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that involved parenting is beneficial, as long as it is not overdone. (“In a country like America, independence is an important factor in citizens' lives. Parents shouldn't suppress that right in their children, even though they have the positive intention of helping them. Too much interfering from parents is having a statistical effect on the children today. From studies conducted, ‘young adults entering college... are somewhat lacking in life skills like self-reliance, sharing, and conflict resolution’ (Whitbourne 8). In addition to this evidence, there are many evident signs of less independence and over-parenting. I know people who don't go anywhere without their friends' opinions on their idea, along with refusing to make even the smallest decisions without their parents. However, no matter what society claims, involved parenting is not completely detrimental, as long as the parents' habits do not become over-involved.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides relevant and well-aligned content and development of ideas in the essay. He/she develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific and appropriate details to support the asserted position on the effects of helicopter parenting on children’s independence. The writer aptly addresses the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments as well.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue presented in the prompt task. (“Many studies have shown that over-parenting is not completely detrimental; nevertheless, many people still have their doubts. They believe parents can get too involved in their child's life, to the point where it becomes detrimental. Parents will get so caught up in trying to protect their children that they become oblivious to the possible side effects. However, as parents, they have a responsibility to know when they have crossed the line. If they do mean well for their children, then they should subconsciously realize when it is time to tone down their parenting and affections. Many parents have come face-to-face with reality already. They are trying hard to avoid being overprotective and an obvious helicopter parent.”)

The writer includes some personal anecdotes to explain or illustrate his/her position on the issue of helicopter parenting. (“I have a friend whose parents are not very involved with her school. All of the stress from high school and her classes are built up inside of her, without anybody to help her relieve it. In fact, she ends up coming to me for help with her work and dealing with all the stress. As one mother believes, ‘Having a parent continue to be a frequent presence in their school lives is one of the best ways to ensure young adolescents don't make too many big mistakes’ (Fletcher). Without the involved parenting that society seems to despise, there would be adults who had more undesirable memories than necessary.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or quotations from resources to illustrate his/her point of view. (“No matter what society claims and defends, ‘Helicoptered children actually had higher life satisfaction and more clearly defined goals’ (Strauss 5). The children that are ‘victims’ of helicopter parenting are actually benefitting from their parents' behavior. Contrary to what society believes, parents are not ‘suffering’ like their children, unhappy with their decisions. In fact, ‘parents of young adults report fewer depressive symptoms when they are heavily involved with their kids’ (Strauss 2). While many believe over-protective parents would be more depressed with the fact that they work and watch over their children all day, they are happier with the fact that they are protecting their children.”)

Organization

The introduction captures the readers’ attention by defining the ideas behind helicopter parenting. (“Parents today spend more time worrying about their kids' futures and decisions rather than on their own needs. From daily lives to the school environment, parents prove to be a constant factor in their children's experiences and daily activities. The parents eventually become so involved that society recognizes them as ‘helicopter parents.’ Helicopter parenting is when a parent hovers, like a helicopter, over their child like a shield and becomes extremely involved with every aspect of their children's lives. Parents can develop these habits as soon as their baby is born and may carry on through college and adulthood.”)

The writer uses transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Many studies have shown that over-parenting is not completely detrimental; nevertheless, many people still have their doubts. They believe parents can get too involved in their child's life, to the point where it becomes detrimental. Parents will get so caught up in trying to protect their children that they become oblivious to the possible side effects. However, as parents, they have a responsibility to know when they have crossed the line. If they do mean well for their children, then they should subconsciously realize when it is time to tone down their parenting and affections.”)

The conclusion effectively underscores the main ideas presented in the argument and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“With all of this information in mind, I truly believe being an involved parent is not completely detrimental to the child. Children need the advice from reliable adults, but they must also learn to be independent with their choices in their lives. Society should do well to remember that parents have the natural mindset of doing what they believe is best for their children. They should be allowed to be as affectionate as they want if they believe it will have a positive effect on their child's wellbeing. In other words, society is telling parents how to raise their children, believing every child is suffering from the over-involved parenting. Overall, we should be grateful for the fact that parents today are extremely willing to be involved and loving, instead of ignorant and unconcerned for their child's future and safety.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language effectively to make his/her writing more convincing. (“Society should do well to remember that parents have the natural mindset of doing what they believe is best for their children. They should be allowed to be as affectionate as they want if they believe it will have a positive effect on their child's wellbeing. In other words, society is telling parents how to raise their children, believing every child is suffering from the over-involved parenting. Overall, we should be grateful for the fact that parents today are extremely willing to be involved and loving, instead of ignorant and unconcerned for their child's future and safety.”)

The writer creates varied sentences by adding descriptive details and imagery as well as combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“First and foremost, though society may not believe the reality, children need the advice their parents can provide. Their parents have lived through all of their lives' events and experiences, and can provide useful information to their children. They can guide their children past life-changing mistakes and dangers, proving to be a lighthouse guiding their children past the rocky seas of life.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The final reason to keep in mind is that involved parenting has the capability of being beneficial for both the parents and their child. ‘Children whose parents provided them with intense support experienced higher outcomes’ (Strauss 5). No matter what society claims and defends, ‘Helicoptered children actually had higher life satisfaction and more clearly defined goals’ (Strauss 5). The children that are ‘victims’ of helicopter parenting are actually benefitting from their parents' behavior. Contrary to what society believes, parents are not ‘suffering’ like their children, unhappy with their decisions. In fact, ‘parents of young adults report fewer depressive symptoms when they are heavily involved with their kids’ (Strauss 2).”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“In addition to this evidence, there are many evident signs of less independence and over-parenting. I know people who don't go anywhere without their friends' opinions on their idea, along with refusing to make even the smallest decisions without their parents. However, no matter what society claims, involved parenting is not completely detrimental, as long as the parents' habits do not become over-involved.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Many parents these days are often too attached to their children. They control every waking second of their lives in hopes of protecting them from the dangers of the world. These so-called "Helicopter parents" can negatively affect their child in life, but possibly benefit them as well. I believe that helicopter parents serve to be more detrimental than beneficial to the young of this generation. This is due to the fact that they prevent their kids from growing to be independent; they negatively impact their child's education and they even plague themselves with self-doubt.

A major disservice committed by helicopter parents is the prevention of their kids growing to become independent people. Their efforts in controlling their children's lives forces the latter to depend on them for the rest of their lives. In the first source, "Putting Parents in Their Place: Outside Class, " by Valerie Strauss, it is said that, "Educators worry not only about how their school climates are affected by intrusive parents trying to set their own agendas but also the ability of young people to become independent, " (Strauss 6). Teachers and other school officials are concerned about parents who make an effort to control what occurs at school and deprive young people of the ability to become independent. If teachers are too busy having to worry about helicopter parents, then a large amount of time that could be used to teach the lesson might not be used effectively. When confronting an unidentified mother, she articulates that, "There are a lot of things I can't control...Terrorists, the environment. But I can control how my daughter spends her day, " (14). As a means of trying to protect her daughter from the dangers of the world, this Bethesda mother puts her child's life in her own hands without consent. This can lead to the child having a distasteful relationship with her mother and not being able to be their own person.

On top of their independence, the education of these children is also hindered by helicopter parents. These parents prevent their kids from having the best education they could possibly have by pestering teachers and creating many awkward situations. Remaining in source one, Strauss explains that teachers are "refusing to meet with parents they consider abusive..." (16). The helicopter parents have made it very difficult for teachers to communicate with them to the point where they don't even want to see each other. In turn, this can prevent the parents from being aware of their child's academic performance in school. At times, helicopter parents have been very frustrating to work with to the point where teachers "have tossed out children because their parents became too difficult to work with, " (16). School officials have had enough with the abusive parents of certain children, which has resulted in the eviction of the student from the school. Parents have basically robbed their adolescent from receiving an education, or at least made it much more difficult to get one.

Not only are adolescents affected by helicopter parents, but so are helicopter parents themselves. Some parents believe that something is wrong with them for being the way they are, causing a great deal of self-doubt within themselves. In the fourth source, "The Myth of Helicopter Parenting, " it has been found that, "...helicopter parents had many self-doubts as indicated by their lower life satisfaction, " (Krauss 5). These parents don't believe that what they are doing is right and have been making an effort to stop from being so attached to their child. This could lead to poor parenting from the parents, which in turn affects their kids as well as the latter's futures. Besides self-doubt, some parents have been reported to "feel that there's something wrong with them for having this type of relationship, " (5). The helicopter parents who feel this way believe that they are possibly mentally ill for having that kind of relationship with their child. A dark image of the parent may be painted in their child's eyes and also lead to bad parenting.

I understand that at times, helicopter parenting can be beneficial to the lives of children. In source two, "Letter From a Concerned Mother, " the concerned mother is confronted about the problems that children face in the real world. In response, she claims, "There are a lot of problems and issues they simply aren't ready to face alone yet, " (Concerned Mother 1). Although I do agree that there are some situations where kids can't defend themselves, I disagree on the fact that parents should be there to guide them every single step of the way. These children won't be ready for those problems if they never get the chance to face them alone. A great deal of learning to survive in this world comes from lots of experience, which is what is being deprived of if parents step in and help their child with all their issues.

If you are a parent or someone who plans on becoming one some day, do you believe that you should be there for your child every step of the way, or sit on the side at times where they can handle the situation themselves? Either way, it would be best to choose what you believe will help maintain a healthy relationship with your child and help them learn to survive out in the open world on their own.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I believe that helicopter parents serve to be more detrimental than beneficial to the young of this generation. This is due to the fact that they prevent their kids from growing to be independent; they negatively impact their child's education and they even plague themselves with self-doubt.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Besides self-doubt, some parents have been reported to ‘feel that there's something wrong with them for having this type of relationship,’ (5). The helicopter parents who feel this way believe that they are possibly mentally ill for having that kind of relationship with their child. A dark image of the parent may be painted in their child's eyes and also lead to bad parenting. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Teachers and other school officials are concerned about parents who make an effort to control what occurs at school and deprive young people of the ability to become independent. If teachers are too busy having to worry about helicopter parents, then a large amount of time that could be used to teach the lesson might not be used effectively. When confronting an unidentified mother, she articulates that, ‘There are a lot of things I can't control...Terrorists, the environment. But I can control how my daughter spends her day,’ (14). ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective development of ideas using relevant content in the essay. He/she develops arguments using specific details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer clearly addresses the readers' opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“I understand that at times, helicopter parenting can be beneficial to the lives of children. In source two, ‘Letter From a Concerned Mother,’ the concerned mother is confronted about the problems that children face in the real world. In response, she claims, ‘There are a lot of problems and issues they simply aren't ready to face alone yet,’ (Concerned Mother 1). Although I do agree that there are some situations where kids can't defend themselves, I disagree on the fact that parents should be there to guide them every single step of the way. These children won't be ready for those problems if they never get the chance to face them alone. A great deal of learning to survive in this world comes from lots of experience, which is what is being deprived of if parents step in and help their child with all their issues. ”)

The writer provides well-balanced and comprehensive details. (“On top of their independence, the education of these children is also hindered by helicopter parents. These parents prevent their kids from having the best education they could possibly have by pestering teachers and creating many awkward situations. Remaining in source one, Strauss explains that teachers are ‘refusing to meet with parents they consider abusive...’ (16). The helicopter parents have made it very difficult for teachers to communicate with them to the point where they don't even want to see each other. In turn, this can prevent the parents from being aware of their child's academic performance in school. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“A major disservice committed by helicopter parents is the prevention of their kids growing to become independent people. Their efforts in controlling their children's lives forces the latter to depend on them for the rest of their lives. In the first source, ‘Putting Parents in Their Place: Outside Class,’ by Valerie Strauss, it is said that, ‘Educators worry not only about how their school climates are affected by intrusive parents trying to set their own agendas but also the ability of young people to become independent,’ (Strauss 6). ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“I believe that helicopter parents serve to be more detrimental than beneficial to the young of this generation. This is due to the fact that they prevent their kids from growing to be independent; they negatively impact their child's education and they even plague themselves with self-doubt. ”)

Subtle transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Not only are adolescents affected by helicopter parents, but so are helicopter parents themselves. Some parents believe that something is wrong with them for being the way they are, causing a great deal of self-doubt within themselves. In the fourth source, ‘The Myth of Helicopter Parenting,’ it has been found that, ‘...helicopter parents had many self-doubts as indicated by their lower life satisfaction,’ (Krauss 5). These parents don't believe that what they are doing is right and have been making an effort to stop from being so attached to their child. This could lead to poor parenting from the parents, which in turn affects their kids as well as the latter's futures. Besides self-doubt, some parents have been reported to ‘feel that there's something wrong with them for having this type of relationship,’ (5). ”)

The conclusion, although brief, summarizes the writer's argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“If you are a parent or someone who plans on becoming one some day, do you believe that you should be there for your child every step of the way, or sit on the side at times where they can handle the situation themselves? Either way, it would be best to choose what you believe will help maintain a healthy relationship with your child and help them learn to survive out in the open world on their own. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of many well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer uses good language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“These so-called ‘Helicopter parents’ can negatively affect their child in life, but possibly benefit them as well. I believe that helicopter parents serve to be more detrimental than beneficial to the young of this generation. This is due to the fact that they prevent their kids from growing to be independent; they negatively impact their child's education and they even plague themselves with self-doubt. ”)

There are portions of the essay that contain some awkward sentence structures and singular-plural disagreement issues. The writer should proofread his/her sentence structures to assure the effective communication of ideas. (“These children won't be ready for those problems if they never get the chance to face them alone. A great deal of learning to survive in this world comes from lots of experience, which is what is being deprived of if parents step in and help their child with all their issues. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s viewpoint. (“The helicopter parents have made it very difficult for teachers to communicate with them to the point where they don't even want to see each other. In turn, this can prevent the parents from being aware of their child's academic performance in school. At times, helicopter parents have been very frustrating to work with to the point where teachers ‘have tossed out children because their parents became too difficult to work with,’ (16). ”) The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“School officials have had enough with the abusive parents of certain children, which has resulted in the eviction of the student from the school. Parents have basically robbed their adolescent from receiving an education, or at least made it much more difficult to get one. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Parents are an essential part of our lives. Helping us with our homework, supporting us on our sport or teaching us skills that we could use in the future. However, some parents take it too far, by being over bearing. These people are called "Helicopter Parents", individuals who are too overprotective and want to control their children's lives. Helicopter parents are overly-involved in the activities of their children, frequently calling their child's teachers, sending e-mails, text messages, and sometimes even both (paragraph 15 - source 1). Although some contend that being over-involved in their children's lives is beneficial to their child, I believe that too much parental engagement can hinder a child's independence.

A major concern when parents are too involved in the lives of their children, their child will miss out on normal experiences, such as: hanging out with their friends, going to school dances, and trying new things. As stated on the article by Susan Krauss Whitborne, "if you want them to become more productive members of society with reasonably normal lives, then keep the hugs and kisses to a minimum" (paragraph 7 - source 4). Which implies that if parents want their children to have normal lives and become functional members of society, they should let their children experience what most kids do, that way whatever norms are to average children, will not become the most unusual activity for one's child. In my experience in 7th grade, me and some of my friends had to go to a supply store to buy some supplies for our class since we had a school celebration and all grade levels were competing with each other, we were with a friend who had never tried or had been to a supply store without her parents and was not sure what she had to do.

Along with this, having helicopter parents can make one's child become more dependent. Hovering parents obstruct "the ability of young people to become independent" (paragraph 6 - source3). They try to do deeds in place for their child, thinking it would be beneficial for the child, but it only contributes to their dependency. It can lessen the child's knowledge of real life activities that they might use when they become adults. For example, I had encountered, in my past years in school, a student who did not know or had no knowledge on how to ride public transportation, she had no idea how much to pay to the driver, she was very nervous about her first ride and she had to be constantly reassured by her friends who were also riding with her.

Having hyper-involved parents can be beneficial to children, since their parents can help them when they are struggling and they will also feel supported because "[they will] know they have someone cheering for them every step of the way" (paragraph 2 - source 2). This implies that there are also favorable sides of millenial generation parents. I was once in acquaintance with a girl who had over-protective guardians, whom were her grandparents and her older cousin, and she was well-mannered, polite, funny, creative, and talented. Her parents who were working abroad always sent her tools or utensils for painting and drawing, because they supported her in what she loved to do.

Even though over-involved parents have good intentions, it can lead to the impediment of a child's personal development. To illustrate "there is a desire to protect youngsters from a tougher and more competitive culture" (paragraph 2 - source 2), this desire will keep children from experiencing events that can help them on how to react to an event or how to do some things on their own when they are older. In my experience, a child did not know and could not cross the road by herself because she was not allowed to go out of the house and spend time with her friends, which also refers back to a child not being able to go through normal occurrences and becoming too reliant on one's parents.

Therefore, a parent's over-involvement in their child's life, even with good intentions in their hearts and minds, can ruin their child's chance to an ordinary life. If society wants productive citizens whom are independent, parents should rethink their involvement.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a position about whether too much parental involvement hinders a child’s independence and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. He/she satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Although some contend that being over-involved in their children's lives is beneficial to their child, I believe that too much parental engagement can hinder a child's independence.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“A major concern when parents are too involved in the lives of their children, their child will miss out on normal experiences, such as: hanging out with their friends, going to school dances, and trying new things. As stated on the article by Susan Krauss Whitborne, ‘if you want them to become more productive members of society with reasonably normal lives, then keep the hugs and kisses to a minimum’ (paragraph 7 - source 4). Which implies that if parents want their children to have normal lives and become functional members of society, they should let their children experience what most kids do, that way whatever norms are to average children, will not become the most unusual activity for one's child.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Along with this, having helicopter parents can make one's child become more dependent. Hovering parents obstruct ‘the ability of young people to become independent’ (paragraph 6 - source3). They try to do deeds in place for their child, thinking it would be beneficial for the child, but it only contributes to their dependency. It can lessen the child's knowledge of real life activities that they might use when they become adults.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the asserted position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for why helicopter parents hinder a child’s independence. (“Even though over-involved parents have good intentions, it can lead to the impediment of a child's personal development. To illustrate ‘there is a desire to protect youngsters from a tougher and more competitive culture’ (paragraph 2 - source 2), this desire will keep children from experiencing events that can help them on how to react to an event or how to do some things on their own when they are older. In my experience, a child did not know and could not cross the road by herself because she was not allowed to go out of the house and spend time with her friends, which also refers back to a child not being able to go through normal occurrences and becoming too reliant on one's parents.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Along with this, having helicopter parents can make one's child become more dependent. Hovering parents obstruct ‘the ability of young people to become independent’ (paragraph 6 - source3). They try to do deeds in place for their child, thinking it would be beneficial for the child, but it only contributes to their dependency. It can lessen the child's knowledge of real life activities that they might use when they become adults. For example, I had encountered, in my past years in school, a student who did not know or had no knowledge on how to ride public transportation, she had no idea how much to pay to the driver, she was very nervous about her first ride and she had to be constantly reassured by her friends who were also riding with her.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences from resources to bolster this section of the essay. (“Having hyper-involved parents can be beneficial to children, since their parents can help them when they are struggling and they will also feel supported because ‘[they will] know they have someone cheering for them every step of the way’ (paragraph 2 - source 2). This implies that there are also favorable sides of millenial generation parents. I was once in acquaintance with a girl who had over-protective guardians, whom were her grandparents and her older cousin, and she was well-mannered, polite, funny, creative, and talented. Her parents who were working abroad always sent her tools or utensils for painting and drawing, because they supported her in what she loved to do.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Parents are an essential part of our lives. Helping us with our homework, supporting us on our sport or teaching us skills that we could use in the future. However, some parents take it too far, by being over bearing. These people are called ‘Helicopter Parents’, individuals who are too overprotective and want to control their children's lives. Helicopter parents are overly-involved in the activities of their children, frequently calling their child's teachers, sending e-mails, text messages, and sometimes even both (paragraph 15 - source 1). Although some contend that being over-involved in their children's lives is beneficial to their child, I believe that too much parental engagement can hinder a child's independence.”)

The writer uses transitions that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Along with this, having helicopter parents can make one's child become more dependent. Hovering parents obstruct ‘the ability of young people to become independent’ (paragraph 6 - source3). They try to do deeds in place for their child, thinking it would be beneficial for the child, but it only contributes to their dependency.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion, although brief, gives the readers a sense of closure. (“Therefore, a parent's over-involvement in their child's life, even with good intentions in their hearts and minds, can ruin their child's chance to an ordinary life. If society wants productive citizens whom are independent, parents should rethink their involvement.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. He/she employs appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Additionally, there is an attempt at more complex sentence structures with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Having hyper-involved parents can be beneficial to children, since their parents can help them when they are struggling and they will also feel supported because ‘[they will] know they have someone cheering for them every step of the way’ (paragraph 2 - source 2). This implies that there are also favorable sides of millenial generation parents. I was once in acquaintance with a girl who had over-protective guardians, whom were her grandparents and her older cousin, and she was well-mannered, polite, funny, creative, and talented.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Even though over-involved parents have good intentions, it can lead to the impediment of a child's personal development. To illustrate ‘there is a desire to protect youngsters from a tougher and more competitive culture’ (paragraph 2 - source 2), this desire will keep children from experiencing events that can help them on how to react to an event or how to do some things on their own when they are older.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“A major concern when parents are too involved in the lives of their children, their child will miss out on normal experiences, such as: hanging out with their friends, going to school dances, and trying new things. As stated on the article by Susan Krauss Whitborne, ‘if you want them to become more productive members of society with reasonably normal lives, then keep the hugs and kisses to a minimum’ (paragraph 7 - source 4). Which implies that if parents want their children to have normal lives and become functional members of society, they should let their children experience what most kids do, that way whatever norms are to average children, will not become the most unusual activity for one's child.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“They try to do deeds in place for their child, thinking it would be beneficial for the child, but it only contributes to their dependency. It can lessen the child's knowledge of real life activities that they might use when they become adults. For example, I had encountered, in my past years in school, a student who did not know or had no knowledge on how to ride public transportation, she had no idea how much to pay to the driver, she was very nervous about her first ride and she had to be constantly reassured by her friends who were also riding with her. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Helicopter parenting has Led to situations that have kicked out children from their schools, because of their parents poor behavior and inability to stay away from their children for only six hours. helicopter parenting led's to problems for the child such as robing the children of their independence. helicopter parenting also led's to too controlling parents that don't allow their child to fail which isn't good for the children because people need to fail in life to succeed in life. helicopter parenting does hinder the independence of a child due to robing of independence, being too controlling, and the symbolic value of children.

The first reason to explain my claim about helicopter parenting hinders that they rob dependence of children is that helicopter parenting robs children of their independence. The reason that this robs the children from their independence is because when a child is is robed from their independence and becomes dependent it's due to the parents behavior. When children becomes too dependent its bad because when he/she is all grown up their parents and teachers wont be there to help him fix his mistakes. Once a child becomes and adult ready for college and leaves his/her home and parents, the hovered on child no longer has someone to rely on such as his parents who used to spoil him/her and will fail in life without independence.

the another reason that helicopter parenting hinders a child's independence is that the parents can become too controlling to handle. the reason that parents become to controlling is because in their eyes the child will never grow up and will always remain their baby. Parents that become to controlling end up to make their children spoiled because they give the child everything they want and make them spoiled which is a bad trait in life. children who are controlled by their parents become programmed by their parents not to fail which could end badly in life because we need to fail in life in order to proceed to success.

the last reason that helicopter parenting can hinder the independence of a child's well being is that parents get their children get kicked out of schools due to the parents behavior. parents that become to needy and feel that they need to see their children, start to sign up for parent programs at school, and try to be in the child's life even more than they already were. Parents start to become needy and annoying to teachers, when the child gets a detention or gets a bad grade the parents start to freak out going on about how their little angle wouldn't do such a thing spoiling their children

I will concede that if you have helicopter parents the child will end up getting higher life satisfaction. The higher life satisfaction could prove that the people with theses parents will not always cause the child of the parents to be a spoiled brat. when the child gets these higher life satisfaction it means that they will feel happier that a child not hovered upon because he or she doesn't feel as cared for as a hovered on child.

Helicopter parenting does hinder the independence of a child which could end in many ways bad for a child. when a child has been hovered by helicopter parents the child begins to turn spoiled, too dependent, and to programmed to do simple everyday tasks such as chores and other subjects. when children become to dependent on their parents they realize that every time you mess up you have to fix it yourself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states a position on the argument of whether too much parental involvement hinders a child's independence but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue adequately. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“helicopter parenting does hinder the independence of a child due to robing of independence, being too controlling, and the symbolic value of children.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s position on the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but he/she does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“…parents get their children get kicked out of schools due to the parents behavior. parents that become to needy and feel that they need to see their children, start to sign up for parent programs at school, and try to be in the child's life even more than they already were. Parents start to become needy and annoying to teachers, when the child gets a detention or gets a bad grade the parents start to freak out going on about how their little angle wouldn't do such a thing spoiling their children ”)

The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. He/she attempts to address the readers but is very limited in providing ideas to counter any potential concerns. (“I will concede that if you have helicopter parents the child will end up getting higher life satisfaction. The higher life satisfaction could prove that the people with theses parents will not always cause the child of the parents to be a spoiled brat. when the child gets these higher life satisfaction it means that they will feel happier that a child not hovered upon because he or she doesn't feel as cared for as a hovered on child.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on whether too much parental involvement hinders a child's independence. The writer attempts to address the readers' opposing viewpoints, but he/she does not integrate effective counterarguments into the essay.

The writer is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“I will concede that if you have helicopter parents the child will end up getting higher life satisfaction. The higher life satisfaction could prove that the people with theses parents will not always cause the child of the parents to be a spoiled brat. when the child gets these higher life satisfaction it means that they will feel happier that a child not hovered upon because he or she doesn't feel as cared for as a hovered on child. ”)

The writer mentions a few ideas but does not expand on them sufficiently to ensure the readers understand the implications of each in relation to the argument presented in the prompt task. (“The first reason to explain my claim about helicopter parenting hinders that they rob dependence of children is that helicopter parenting robs children of their independence. The reason that this robs the children from their independence is because when a child is is robed from their independence and becomes dependent it's due to the parents behavior. When children becomes too dependent its bad because when he/she is all grown up their parents and teachers wont be there to help him fix his mistakes.”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for the ways helicopter parenting can be negative for a child, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“Parents that become to controlling end up to make their children spoiled because they give the child everything they want and make them spoiled which is a bad trait in life. children who are controlled by their parents become programmed by their parents not to fail which could end badly in life because we need to fail in life in order to proceed to success.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The writer incorporates the use of paragraphing, but there is a lack of effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by offering examples of helicopter parenting behaviors. (“Helicopter parenting has Led to situations that have kicked out children from their schools, because of their parents poor behavior and inability to stay away from their children for only six hours. helicopter parenting led's to problems for the child such as robing the children of their independence. helicopter parenting also led's to too controlling parents that don't allow their child to fail which isn't good for the children because people need to fail in life to succeed in life.”)

Effective transitions are not included within paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“the another reason that helicopter parenting hinders a child's independence is that the parents can become too controlling to handle. the reason that parents become to controlling is because in their eyes the child will never grow up and will always remain their baby. Parents that become to controlling end up to make their children spoiled because they give the child everything they want and make them spoiled which is a bad trait in life. children who are controlled by their parents become programmed by their parents not to fail which could end badly in life because we need to fail in life in order to proceed to success. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“Helicopter parenting does hinder the independence of a child which could end in many ways bad for a child. when a child has been hovered by helicopter parents the child begins to turn spoiled, too dependent, and to programmed to do simple everyday tasks such as chores and other subjects. when children become to dependent on their parents they realize that every time you mess up you have to fix it yourself.”)

Language Use & Style

Due to many run-on sentences throughout the essay, it is difficult to follow the writer’s ideas. (“Parents that become to controlling end up to make their children spoiled because they give the child everything they want and make them spoiled which is a bad trait in life. children who are controlled by their parents become programmed by their parents not to fail which could end badly in life because we need to fail in life in order to proceed to success. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“the last reason that helicopter parenting can hinder the independence of a child's well being is that parents get their children get kicked out of schools due to the parents behavior. parents that become to needy and feel that they need to see their children, start to sign up for parent programs at school, and try to be in the child's life even more than they already were. Parents start to become needy and annoying to teachers, when the child gets a detention or gets a bad grade the parents start to freak out going on about how their little angle wouldn't do such a thing spoiling their children ”)

There are syntax issues in many portions of the essay. (“helicopter parenting led's to problems for the child such as robing the children of their independence. helicopter parenting also led's to too controlling parents that don't allow their child to fail which isn't good for the children because people need to fail in life to succeed in life. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“children who are controlled by their parents become programmed by their parents not to fail which could end badly in life because we need to fail in life in order to proceed to success. the last reason that helicopter parenting can hinder the independence of a child's well being is that parents get their children get kicked out of schools due to the parents behavior.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Is helicopter parenting bad for your kids? Helicopter parents are parents that are always wanting to help there kids no matter how small it is. Clam: in discussions of parenting is a controversial issues has been helicopter parenting. Some people believe it is beneficial for kids others think it hinders kids independence. My own view is that helicopter parents don't let there kids do there own thing.

First, the kids are always told what to do in there lifes Sttauss, "they have been the most protected and programmed children ever." Sttauss's point is that parents are to protective of there kids, and are badly in charge of there life. In addition, the kids have stress on them. According to sttauss source 1 stats "parents and control how there kids spend there day." In making this comment Sttauss argues that helicopter parents are a part of there lives 24/7, and help them no matter how easy or small it is. Furthermore, parents need to let there kids have a little more freedom. In source 2, Fletcher states, this mom thinks kids need someone with them every step of the way in there lifes, and someone cheering them on. The importance of this argument is that kids need more freedom from there parents and not by there side 24/7 as well as helping them with small things.

Nevertheless, parents or helicopter parents would probably disagree the idea that to much parenting involvement hinders there child's independence. For example source 2"parents volunteer, and cheer them on overly. Parents try to stop as in source 3 because they are being to overly protective of there kids.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning. He/she d emonstrates little attempt at stating a clearly defined thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes only a few parts of the task.

The writer does not assert a clearly defined position on the issue. (“Clam: in discussions of parenting is a controversial issues has been helicopter parenting. Some people believe it is beneficial for kids others think it hinders kids independence. My own view is that helicopter parents don't let there kids do there own thing.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“My own view is that helicopter parents don't let there kids do there own thing. First, the kids are always told what to do in there lifes Sttauss, ‘they have been the most protected and programmed children ever.’ Sttauss's point is that parents are to protective of there kids, and are badly in charge of there life.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“In making this comment Sttauss argues that helicopter parents are a part of there lives 24/7, and help them no matter how easy or small it is. Furthermore, parents need to let there kids have a little more freedom. In source 2, Fletcher states, this mom thinks kids need someone with them every step of the way in there lifes, and someone cheering them on. The importance of this argument is that kids need more freedom from there parents and not by there side 24/7 as well as helping them with small things.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position on the argument of whether too much parental involvement hinders a child's independence. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s position on the issue presented in the prompt task. (“My own view is that helicopter parents don't let there kids do there own thing. First, the kids are always told what to do in there lifes Sttauss, ‘they have been the most protected and programmed children ever.’ Sttauss's point is that parents are to protective of there kids, and are badly in charge of there life. In addition, the kids have stress on them. According to sttauss source 1 stats ‘parents and control how there kids spend there day.’”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Furthermore, parents need to let there kids have a little more freedom. In source 2, Fletcher states, this mom thinks kids need someone with them every step of the way in there lifes, and someone cheering them on. The importance of this argument is that kids need more freedom from there parents and not by there side 24/7 as well as helping them with small things.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“In making this comment Sttauss argues that helicopter parents are a part of there lives 24/7, and help them no matter how easy or small it is. Furthermore, parents need to let there kids have a little more freedom. In source 2, Fletcher states, this mom thinks kids need someone with them every step of the way in there lifes, and someone cheering them on. The importance of this argument is that kids need more freedom from there parents and not by there side 24/7 as well as helping them with small things.”)

The writer does not devote enough content to address potential counterarguments. (“Nevertheless, parents or helicopter parents would probably disagree the idea that to much parenting involvement hinders there child's independence. For example source 2‘parents volunteer, and cheer them on overly. Parents try to stop as in source 3 because they are being to overly protective of there kids.”)

Organization

The writer employs minimal organization in the essay. The essay demonstrates minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, paragraphing and transitional devices are used minimally in the presentation of the writer’s ideas.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Is helicopter parenting bad for your kids? Helicopter parents are parents that are always wanting to help there kids no matter how small it is.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect his/her stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are minimally included within paragraphs or between sentences. (“Sttauss's point is that parents are to protective of there kids, and are badly in charge of there life. In addition, the kids have stress on them. According to sttauss source 1 stats ‘parents and control how there kids spend there day.’ In making this comment Sttauss argues that helicopter parents are a part of there lives 24/7, and help them no matter how easy or small it is. Furthermore, parents need to let there kids have a little more freedom.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion that restates the main argument. The conclusion does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“Nevertheless, parents or helicopter parents would probably disagree the idea that to much parenting involvement hinders there child's independence. For example source 2‘parents volunteer, and cheer them on overly. Parents try to stop as in source 3 because they are being to overly protective of there kids.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“In source 2, Fletcher states, this mom thinks kids need someone with them every step of the way in there lifes, and someone cheering them on. The importance of this argument is that kids need more freedom from there parents and not by there side 24/7 as well as helping them with small things. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of whether too much parental involvement hinders a child's independence. (“First, the kids are always told what to do in there lifes Sttauss, ‘they have been the most protected and programmed children ever.’ Sttauss's point is that parents are to protective of there kids, and are badly in charge of there life.”)

The writer does not incorporate effective language to argue his/her point of view on the issue being debated. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“Nevertheless, parents or helicopter parents would probably disagree the idea that to much parenting involvement hinders there child's independence. For example source 2 ‘parents volunteer, and cheer them on overly. Parents try to stop as in source 3 because they are being to overly protective of there kids. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. He/she commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are poorly constructed sentences, and there are many syntax errors. (“My own view is that helicopter parents don't let there kids do there own thing. First, the kids are always told what to do in there lifes Sttauss, ‘they have been the most protected and programmed children ever.’ Sttauss's point is that parents are to protective of there kids, and are badly in charge of there life.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Parent don't be Helicopter Parent it's not good for you or kid. Helicopter parent your kid's will turn out to be lazy and not knowing what to do. Helicopter parents are not supposed to be so involved in their child's school. School is supposed be safe to let your child socialize with kids and teachers by their self with out Helicopter parents help. If kids had help all the time they will be lost in the future. Kids need to be independent here and their so they won't dependent when they'er on their own. Even though Helicopter Parenting can be bad but some benefits in helicopter parents their re really helpful during school. Helicopter parent ways.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer provides an inadequate thesis, and little effort is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Parent don't be Helicopter Parent it's not good for you or kid. Helicopter parent your kid's will turn out to be lazy and not knowing what to do.”)

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but it does not contain detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. (“Helicopter parents are not supposed to be so involved in their child's school. School is supposed be safe to let your child socialize with kids and teachers by their self with out Helicopter parents help.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not use appropriate language. (“Helicopter parent your kid's will turn out to be lazy and not knowing what to do.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details from resources to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of whether too much parental involvement hinders a child's independence. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments, leaving the essay insufficient and inadequate.

The writer does not include relevant, sufficient details to support the stated opinion. (“Helicopter parent your kid's will turn out to be lazy and not knowing what to do. Helicopter parents are not supposed to be so involved in their child's school. ”)

Body paragraphs are needed with three or more details in each to support the opinion/position/thesis statement of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument to the intended audience. (“If kids had help all the time they will be lost in the future. Kids need to be independent here and their so they won't dependent when they'er on their own.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to adequately address opposing viewpoints and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Even though Helicopter Parenting can be bad but some benefits in helicopter parents their re really helpful during school. Helicopter parent ways.”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate . The writer does not include a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices used in the essay.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Parent don't be Helicopter Parent it's not good for you or kid.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“Helicopter parents are not supposed to be so involved in their child's school. School is supposed be safe to let your child socialize with kids and teachers by their self with out Helicopter parents help.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion that restates the main argument, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“Even though Helicopter Parenting can be bad but some benefits in helicopter parents their re really helpful during school. Helicopter parent ways.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective language use, voice, or style into the essay. The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choices, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“Helicopter parent your kid's will turn out to be lazy and not knowing what to do. Helicopter parents are not supposed to be so involved in their child's school. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Parenting can be bad but some benefits in helicopter parents their re really helpful during school. Helicopter parent ways. ”)

The style of writing in the essay is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to present a balanced argument on the issue of parental involvement in children’s lives, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“School is supposed be safe to let your child socialize with kids and teachers by their self with out Helicopter parents help. If kids had help all the time they will be lost in the future. Kids need to be independent here and their so they won't dependent when they'er on their own. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“If kids had help all the time they will be lost in the future. Kids need to be independent here and their so they won't dependent when they'er on their own.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Homelessness in America

Last year, there were 3 million homeless people in this country. Considering the severity of the homeless problem in the United States, we are in dire need of a solution. There are many opinions regarding what is the best program or plan to help bring an end to homelessness in the United States.

What do you think can be done to help solve the problem of homelessness? In a well-organized essay, explain your solution to the homelessness problem.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Can you imagine 3 million people without a home? This was the situation in the United States only ONE year ago. Considering this situation don't you think we need to find a solution? There are a lot of opinions about a solution, but I have one of my own .I think the government should set aside money from their budget. I will give 3 suggestions for the use of the money and reasons to support my suggestions.

One thing that I would like the government to do with set aside money would be to establish education programs. Most people who are homeless don't have an adequate education. For example, a magazine that I read covered the issue of homelessness. It stated that most people who are living on the streets or in shelters have somewhere between a 5th and 8th grade education. Also, if someone is provided with an adequate education they can get good jobs and live independently. For example, on a show named "Good Times", the father couldn't get the job he wanted because he only had a sixth grade education. Although this is a fictional show it is based on real life scenarios.

A second suggestion for the use of a set amount of money would be to set up programs to work with companies to provide jobs with benefits to those who are able to work. If people are able to work, they can restart their own lives. For example, parents and children alike wait their entire lives to get their own jobs. Getting a job you like is the first step to starting on your own. Can't you remember when you got your first job or volunteering job? Wasn't it a proud moment? Moving on, if someone is provided with a job with benefits, they can be taken care of medically. As you might know, many people who are in a homeless state are probably sick. If they are in a shelter or on the streets with others, they can be put on that persons' insurance as a benefactor. If they are able to see a doctor they can be brought back to health. If they are healthy they can get their own jobs and get their own benefits and keep their health. Also, if they are able to attain jobs they can establish credit. With credit they can buy cars, furniture, and homes. The issue of housing leads me into my next and final argument.

Can you imagine having a job but not being able to afford a good home, be a spectacle sitting on the streets or the focus of someone's pity? I believe the government should set up low-income homes for those people who have jobs but cannot afford a house on today's market. Do you own your house? If so, didn't you feel proud when you signed the final papers to buy your house? Weren't you just ecstatic when you first stepped foot into your new home? For those of you who do not have your own home, wouldn't you be proud if you were able to own your own home? If you can imagine the pride of your home, don't you think that a person who was probably born homeless would be just as prideful as or more so than you?

A homeless person might not have been able to see their children. This might be because they had no home and couldn't attain custody of their children. They have done everything, finished school, if they drank of abused a substance they cleaned their lives up but they still might not be able to gain their children because their residence is a homeless shelter. A home could bring them together with children they haven't seen for years. Also, the basic meaning of homelessness is to be without a home. A homeless person might have a job and an education, but cannot afford to buy a home or rent an apartment. If the government would provide them with low-income homes they can have their own homes and get out of the homeless shelter. They will kind of take the last step.

There are those who believe that homeless people choose their predicaments; they take the easy way out and simply do not want to work or contribute to society. This could not be further from the truth. As discussed, there are many paths that lead to homelessness. We as a community are responsible to offer solutions to those who are less fortunate than we are. If not, how does one look himself in the mirror? These solutions can be cost effective if put into the hands of capable community leaders. In making all citizens contributing members, do we not make the community stronger? It makes sense to tackle this problem head-on, instead of passing off to others so we do not have to see “them” languishing on our streets.

In conclusion, I believe that to eradicate the ongoing issue of homelessness in America will be for the government to set aside money from their budget. With the money they will be able to heal the homeless who will take three steps towards independence. 1.) Provide education program 2.)Provide jobs, with benefits 3.)Build low-income homes. Don't you think that a solution such as this one is a step in the right direction towards ending homelessness? Well I know I do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer outlines what will be discussed from the very beginning of the essay. (“Can you imagine 3 million people without a home? This was the situation in the United States only ONE year ago. Considering this situation don't you think we need to find a solution? There are a lot of opinions about a solution, but I have one of my own .I think the government should set aside money from their budget. I will give 3 suggestions for the use of the money and reasons to support my suggestions.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“A homeless person might not have been able to see their children. This might be because they had no home and couldn't attain custody of their children. They have done everything, finished school, if they drank of abused a substance they cleaned their lives up but they still might not be able to gain their children because their residence is a homeless shelter. A home could bring them together with children they haven't seen for years. Also, the basic meaning of homelessness is to be without a home. A homeless person might have a job and an education, but cannot afford to buy a home or rent an apartment. If the government would provide them with low-income homes they can have their own homes and get out of the homeless shelter. They will kind of take the last step.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that there are solutions to the problem of homelessness in America. (“As discussed, there are many paths that lead to homelessness. We as a community are responsible to offer solutions to those who are less fortunate than we are. If not, how does one look himself in the mirror? These solutions can be cost effective if put into the hands of capable community leaders. In making all citizens contributing members, do we not make the community stronger? It makes sense to tackle this problem head-on, instead of passing off to others so we do not have to see ‘them’ languishing on our streets.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing a variety of relevant details to support the stated position on the issue of homelessness in America. Additionally, the essay addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“There are those who believe that homeless people choose their predicaments; they take the easy way out and simply do not want to work or contribute to society. This could not be further from the truth. As discussed, there are many paths that lead to homelessness. We as a community are responsible to offer solutions to those who are less fortunate than we are. If not, how does one look himself in the mirror? These solutions can be cost effective if put into the hands of capable community leaders. In making all citizens contributing members, do we not make the community stronger? It makes sense to tackle this problem head-on, instead of passing off to others so we do not have to see ‘them’ languishing on our streets.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“As you might know, many people who are in a homeless state are probably sick. If they are in a shelter or on the streets with others, they can be put on that persons' insurance as a benefactor. If they are able to see a doctor they can be brought back to health. If they are healthy they can get their own jobs and get their own benefits and keep their health. Also, if they are able to attain jobs they can establish credit. With credit they can buy cars, furniture, and homes. The issue of housing leads me into my next and final argument.”)

The writer questions the readers and, in doing so, actively engages them in the debate. (“Can you imagine having a job but not being able to afford a good home, be a spectacle sitting on the streets or the focus of someone's pity? I believe the government should set up low-income homes for those people who have jobs but cannot afford a house on today's market. Do you own your house? If so, didn't you feel proud when you signed the final papers to buy your house? Weren't you just ecstatic when you first stepped foot into your new home? For those of you who do not have your own home, wouldn't you be proud if you were able to own your own home? If you can imagine the pride of your home, don't you think that a person who was probably born homeless would be just as prideful as or more so than you?”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction captures the readers’ attention. (“Can you imagine 3 million people without a home? This was the situation in the United States only ONE year ago. Considering this situation don't you think we need to find a solution? There are a lot of opinions about a solution, but I have one of my own .I think the government should set aside money from their budget. I will give 3 suggestions for the use of the money and reasons to support my suggestions.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“There are those who believe that homeless people choose their predicaments; they take the easy way out and simply do not want to work or contribute to society. This could not be further from the truth. As discussed, there are many paths that lead to homelessness. We as a community are responsible to offer solutions to those who are less fortunate than we are. If not, how does one look himself in the mirror? These solutions can be cost effective if put into the hands of capable community leaders. In making all citizens contributing members, do we not make the community stronger? It makes sense to tackle this problem head-on, instead of passing off to others so we do not have to see ‘them’ languishing on our streets.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and gives the readers something to think about. (“In conclusion, I believe that to eradicate the ongoing issue of homelessness in America will be for the government to set aside money from their budget. With the money they will be able to heal the homeless who will take three steps towards independence. 1.] Provide education program 2.]Provide jobs, with benefits 3.]Build low-income homes. Don't you think that a solution such as this one is a step in the right direction towards ending homelessness? Well I know I do.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more effective. (“One thing that I would like the government to do with set aside money would be to establish education programs. Most people who are homeless don't have an adequate education. For example, a magazine that I read covered the issue of homelessness. It stated that most people who are living on the streets or in shelters have somewhere between a 5th and 8th grade education. Also, if someone is provided with an adequate education they can get good jobs and live independently.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in the essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“There are those who believe that homeless people choose their predicaments; they take the easy way out and simply do not want to work or contribute to society. This could not be further from the truth. As discussed, there are many paths that lead to homelessness. We as a community are responsible to offer solutions to those who are less fortunate than we are. If not, how does one look himself in the mirror?”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“These solutions can be cost effective if put into the hands of capable community leaders. In making all citizens contributing members, do we not make the community stronger? It makes sense to tackle this problem head-on, instead of passing off to others so we do not have to see ‘them’ languishing on our streets.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Do you own your house? If so, didn't you feel proud when you signed the final papers to buy your house? Weren't you just ecstatic when you first stepped foot into your new home? For those of you who do not have your own home, wouldn't you be proud if you were able to own your own home? If you can imagine the pride of your home, don't you think that a person who was probably born homeless would be just as prideful as or more so than you?”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

What a shock! Millions of people are homeless. There are so many solutions to this problem, but no one has really solved it yet. Homelessness might be solved by requirements in high school; the government could give less to other countries, bettering our economy, and by improving our education. These might be just opinions, but there are facts behind these opinions. In my opinion, the worst option would be not to do anything to solve homelessness. Who thinks homelessness is a good thing? The government and people have tried many solutions, but they do not seem to be helping. If you consider these options, it might actually be more helpful than just leaving the homeless alone.

I understand that people might say, "Why should I give more when I already pay enough in taxes?" All the taxes do not only go to the homeless, but they also go to schools and many other programs. Besides, paying more is helping more if you have money. The people that do not have a lot of money can help in many other ways than just by paying for people.

Let me start by asking, "How did the homeless become the homeless?" Drugs, alcohol, people might have been school dropouts, in debt, or unemployed. Natural disasters have also occurred, for instance. Hurricane Katrina has ruined many people's lives. People have been orphans and can stay in orphanages for so long or people cannot pay taxes and medical bills are high and people need money for that. Money is not the only reason why homeless people are homeless. Homicides or family members that passed can cause emotional stress and people might not be able to have control over themselves and lose everything.

A few solutions to this horrible and petrifying problem might help. The people of America can better our economy, lower the rents, and increase the wages so that people will be able to afford a place to live. A second solution might be to work on bettering our education system and bringing back morals and values to our families so that children will be able to get better paying jobs.

Solutions such as charities, more shelters, building affordable houses, programs, and more are all good suggestions that might help the homeless. If our government gives less money to other countries, we would have more money to fund programs to help homeless people rehabilitate their lives.

The best solution would most likely be to make community service a requirement in high school so that there will be more people to help in shelters and more. It would not only be good for the homeless, but it would set an example for students to want to go to school and not be high school drop outs and end up like the homeless.

I thought the homeless were not that bad in life. Now, I have a good understanding of what the homeless might be like. It is so sad that some people do not want to help the homeless. Thank goodness there is a majority of the people that care and want to help the homeless. What is more depressingly is that children and infants are also homeless. Many, so many solutions and answers will hopefully decrease the amount of homeless people in the future.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of homelessness in America and proposes a few solutions. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with an exclamation. (“What a shock! Millions of people are homeless. There are so many solutions to this problem, but no one has really solved it yet. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Let me start by asking, ‘How did the homeless become the homeless?’ Drugs, alcohol, people might have been school dropouts, in debt, or unemployed. Natural disasters have also occurred, for instance. Hurricane Katrina has ruined many people's lives. People have been orphans and can stay in orphanages for so long or people cannot pay taxes and medical bills are high and people need money for that. Money is not the only reason why homeless people are homeless. Homicides or family members that passed can cause emotional stress and people might not be able to have control over themselves and lose everything.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Solutions such as charities, more shelters, building affordable houses, programs, and more are all good suggestions that might help the homeless. If our government gives less money to other countries, we would have more money to fund programs to help homeless people rehabilitate their lives. The best solution would most likely be to make community service a requirement in high school so that there will be more people to help in shelters and more. It would not only be good for the homeless, but it would set an example for students to want to go to school and not be high school drop outs and end up like the homeless.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content. The essay develops arguments using sufficient specific and relevant details to support the stated position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“I understand that people might say, ‘Why should I give more when I already pay enough in taxes?’ All the taxes do not only go to the homeless, but they also go to schools and many other programs. Besides, paying more is helping more if you have money. The people that do not have a lot of money can help in many other ways than just by paying for people.”)

The writer’s details are relevant and offer some points to consider for solving the problem of homelessness in America. (“Solutions such as charities, more shelters, building affordable houses, programs, and more are all good suggestions that might help the homeless. If our government gives less money to other countries, we would have more money to fund programs to help homeless people rehabilitate their lives. The best solution would most likely be to make community service a requirement in high school so that there will be more people to help in shelters and more. It would not only be good for the homeless, but it would set an example for students to want to go to school and not be high school drop outs and end up like the homeless.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Let me start by asking, ‘How did the homeless become the homeless?’ Drugs, alcohol, people might have been school dropouts, in debt, or unemployed. Natural disasters have also occurred, for instance. Hurricane Katrina has ruined many people's lives. People have been orphans and can stay in orphanages for so long or people cannot pay taxes and medical bills are high and people need money for that. Money is not the only reason why homeless people are homeless. Homicides or family members that passed can cause emotional stress and people might not be able to have control over themselves and lose everything.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“In my opinion, the worst option would be not to do anything to solve homelessness. Who thinks homelessness is a good thing? The government and people have tried many solutions, but they do not seem to be helping. If you consider these options, it might actually be more helpful than just leaving the homeless alone.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“A few solutions to this horrible and petrifying problem might help. The people of America can better our economy, lower the rents, and increase the wages so that people will be able to afford a place to live. A second solution might be to work on bettering our education system and bringing back morals and values to our families so that children will be able to get better paying jobs. Solutions such as charities, more shelters, building affordable houses, programs, and more are all good suggestions that might help the homeless. If our government gives less money to other countries, we would have more money to fund programs to help homeless people rehabilitate their lives.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“I thought the homeless were not that bad in life. Now, I have a good understanding of what the homeless might be like. It is so sad that some people do not want to help the homeless. Thank goodness there is a majority of the people that care and want to help the homeless. What is more depressingly is that children and infants are also homeless. Many, so many solutions and answers will hopefully decrease the amount of homeless people in the future.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses good language to argue main points effectively. (“A few solutions to this horrible and petrifying problem might help. The people of America can better our economy, lower the rents, and increase the wages so that people will be able to afford a place to live. A second solution might be to work on bettering our education system and bringing back morals and values to our families so that children will be able to get better paying jobs.”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Solutions such as charities, more shelters, building affordable houses, programs, and more are all good suggestions that might help the homeless. If our government gives less money to other countries, we would have more money to fund programs to help homeless people rehabilitate their lives.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Let me start by asking, ‘How did the homeless become the homeless?’ Drugs, alcohol, people might have been school dropouts, in debt, or unemployed. Natural disasters have also occurred, for instance. Hurricane Katrina has ruined many people's lives. People have been orphans and can stay in orphanages for so long or people cannot pay taxes and medical bills are high and people need money for that. Money is not the only reason why homeless people are homeless. Homicides or family members that passed can cause emotional stress and people might not be able to have control over themselves and lose everything.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ The best solution would most likely be to make community service a requirement in high school so that there will be more people to help in shelters and more. It would not only be good for the homeless, but it would set an example for students to want to go to school and not be high school drop outs and end up like the homeless.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Homeless in America

How can the richest nation in the world allow any of its citizens to live on "the streets"? There are over 3 million homeless people on the streets, with no homes. The government should give money to the homeless people, and not waste money on wars or giving other countries money. Our citizens need homes to live. The government should also provide free or low costing homes, so they can be available for everyone not just the rich.

First a solution to the homeless problem would be to build a housing project that will be built by the homeless themselves. We are having the homeless build the housing project to prove that they can, and will be responsible. Their building their house will help them to believe in themselves. They had to work very hard to build themselves a home and they will take very good care of them. The housing projects will provide: a home, food, a bed to sleep in, and medical attention when needed. They will also gain friends. This will help thousands of people in our community.

The government should cooperate with the homeless; the governor doesn't want to help the homeless because he doesn't know how rough it is living on the streets. How can the governor let his citizens live in cardboard boxes, sleep at bus stops, and have to eat out of a trashcan? It's incongruous to have to go through this when they can get help from the government, and theyr'e not receiving it. This must be very frustrating to the homeless. They are suffering greatly because of the government's greediness.

Some critics say the government can't afford to house the homeless. We can and must take care of our own needy. It must be a priority. The government has plenty of money. If it has money to send to other countries and war, then it has money to help his citizens, the homeless.

The Statue of Liberty says," Give me your tired poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these the homeless, tempest-tost to me. I lift my lamp besides the golden door." Homelessness does not really have to be a problem in America. In conclusion, our government designed "for the people" must do what the Constitution mandates! The homeless are people, they are humans.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. He/she establishes an opinion about the issue of homelessness in America and adequately attempts to argue the stance for the readers . The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“The government should give money to the homeless people, and not waste money on wars or giving other countries money. Our citizens need homes to live. The government should also provide free or low costing homes, so they can be available for everyone not just the rich.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“We can and must take care of our own needy. It must be a priority. The government has plenty of money. If it has money to send to other countries and war, then it has money to help his citizens, the homeless.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“The government should cooperate with the homeless; the governor doesn't want to help the homeless because he doesn't know how rough it is living on the streets. How can the governor let his citizens live in cardboard boxes, sleep at bus stops, and have to eat out of a trashcan? It's incongruous to have to go through this when they can get help from the government, and theyr'e not receiving it. This must be very frustrating to the homeless. They are suffering greatly because of the government's greediness.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the stated position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“The government should cooperate with the homeless; the governor doesn't want to help the homeless because he doesn't know how rough it is living on the streets. How can the governor let his citizens live in cardboard boxes, sleep at bus stops, and have to eat out of a trashcan? It's incongruous to have to go through this when they can get help from the government, and theyr'e not receiving it.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“First a solution to the homeless problem would be to build a housing project that will be built by the homeless themselves. We are having the homeless build the housing project to prove that they can, and will be responsible. Their building their house will help them to believe in themselves. They had to work very hard to build themselves a home and they will take very good care of them. The housing projects will provide: a home, food, a bed to sleep in, and medical attention when needed. They will also gain friends. This will help thousands of people in our community.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. He/she demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention by posing a provocative question. (“How can the richest nation in the world allow any of its citizens to live on ‘the streets’? There are over 3 million homeless people on the streets, with no homes. The government should give money to the homeless people, and not waste money on wars or giving other countries money.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions, which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“The government should cooperate with the homeless; the governor doesn't want to help the homeless because he doesn't know how rough it is living on the streets. How can the governor let his citizens live in cardboard boxes, sleep at bus stops, and have to eat out of a trashcan? It's incongruous to have to go through this when they can get help from the government, and theyr'e not receiving it. This must be very frustrating to the homeless. They are suffering greatly because of the government's greediness.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a sense of closure. (“The Statue of Liberty says,’ Give me your tired poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these the homeless, tempest-tost to me. I lift my lamp besides the golden door.’ Homelessness does not really have to be a problem in America. In conclusion, our government designed ‘for the people’ must do what the Constitution mandates! The homeless are people, they are humans.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“The government should cooperate with the homeless; the governor doesn't want to help the homeless because he doesn't know how rough it is living on the streets. How can the governor let his citizens live in cardboard boxes, sleep at bus stops, and have to eat out of a trashcan? It's incongruous to have to go through this when they can get help from the government, and theyr'e not receiving it.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“How can the richest nation in the world allow any of its citizens to live on ‘the streets’? There are over 3 million homeless people on the streets, with no homes. The government should give money to the homeless people, and not waste money on wars or giving other countries money. Our citizens need homes to live. The government should also provide free or low costing homes, so they can be available for everyone not just the rich.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“First a solution to the homeless problem would be to build a housing project that will be built by the homeless themselves. We are having the homeless build the housing project to prove that they can, and will be responsible. Their building their house will help them to believe in themselves. They had to work very hard to build themselves a home and they will take very good care of them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled and used correctly. (“ First a solution to the homeless problem would be to build a housing project that will be built by the homeless themselves. We are having the homeless build the housing project to prove that they can, and will be responsible. Their building their house will help them to believe in themselves.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that the United States has to many homeless people. I think that the United States should build more comfortable shelters and they should start a program for the homeless. The program will include clothes, jobs so they have money, and rehab so they can stop addiction. This will most likely stop most of the homelessness.

85 % of homeless people don't go to shelters. They live in abandon houses/buildings or in parks and ally ways. Most of the homeless die outside from heats strokes of from the cold. If they make more shelters and build them closer to were most of the homeless live. Instead of building new malls they should spend the money on building more shelters. Maybe if they build more shelters they will attract more of the homeless and they will stop dying and starving and might live a longer life.

When my mom drives I see homeless people begging for money. If the Government can start the program that to help them there will be less homeless begging for money. The name of the program can be called the Homeless Foundation. They will give clothes and help them get jobs. If they start the program they can get them off the streets. The program will also include rehab to help stop addiction of drugs.

If the Goverment can start the program and listen to my ideas the homelessness in the U.S will decrease. This program and my ideas can save many lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the issue of homelessness in America but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, he/she demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I think that the United States has to many homeless people. I think that the United States should build more comfortable shelters and they should start a program for the homeless. The program will include clothes, jobs so they have money, and rehab so they can stop addiction. This will most likely stop most of the homelessness.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to support the stated opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially maintain the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“If the Government can start the program that to help them there will be less homeless begging for money. The name of the program can be called the Homeless Foundation. They will give clothes and help them get jobs. If they start the program they can get them off the streets. The program will also include rehab to help stop addiction of drugs.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the stated point of view. (“85 % of homeless people don't go to shelters. They live in abandon houses/buildings or in parks and ally ways. Most of the homeless die outside from heats strokes of from the cold. If they make more shelters and build them closer to were most of the homeless live. Instead of building new malls they should spend the money on building more shelters. Maybe if they build more shelters they will attract more of the homeless and they will stop dying and starving and might live a longer life.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument of homelessness in America. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“If they make more shelters and build them closer to were most of the homeless live. Instead of building new malls they should spend the money on building more shelters. Maybe if they build more shelters they will attract more of the homeless and they will stop dying and starving and might live a longer life.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“When my mom drives I see homeless people begging for money. If the Government can start the program that to help them there will be less homeless begging for money. The name of the program can be called the Homeless Foundation. They will give clothes and help them get jobs. If they start the program they can get them off the streets. The program will also include rehab to help stop addiction of drugs.”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for wanting a government program in place, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few statistics on homeless shelters, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s overall position on the issue. (“ 85 % of homeless people don't go to shelters. They live in abandon houses/buildings or in parks and ally ways. Most of the homeless die outside from heats strokes of from the cold. If they make more shelters and build them closer to were most of the homeless live. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. Use of paragraphing is incorporated, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by offering a solution to the problem of homelessness in America. (“I think that the United States has to many homeless people. I think that the United States should build more comfortable shelters and they should start a program for the homeless. The program will include clothes, jobs so they have money, and rehab so they can stop addiction. This will most likely stop most of the homelessness.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“When my mom drives I see homeless people begging for money. If the Government can start the program that to help them there will be less homeless begging for money. The name of the program can be called the Homeless Foundation. They will give clothes and help them get jobs. If they start the program they can get them off the streets. The program will also include rehab to help stop addiction of drugs.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. It does not restate the writer’s position or summarize the supporting arguments and does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“If the Goverment can start the program and listen to my ideas the homelessness in the U.S will decrease. This program and my ideas can save many lives.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“When my mom drives I see homeless people begging for money. If the Government can start the program that to help them there will be less homeless begging for money. The name of the program can be called the Homeless Foundation. They will give clothes and help them get jobs. If they start the program they can get them off the streets. ”)

There are weak sentence structures with limited variety in the essay. (“If they make more shelters and build them closer to were most of the homeless live. Instead of building new malls they should spend the money on building more shelters. Maybe if they build more shelters they will attract more of the homeless and they will stop dying and starving and might live a longer life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ They live in abandon houses/buildings or in parks and ally ways. Most of the homeless die outside from heats strokes of from the cold. If they make more shelters and build them closer to were most of the homeless live. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Homelessness

I think that homeless could be taking care of by doing something about it. If more people help the homeless by donating food and helping by building homes for them they wouldn't be homeless any more. Another problem of homeless people is that some could be child kidnapers.A solution for this problem is that they could turn thier self in.Also when homeless people get the money they wont they don't use it to bye food, they use it to bye alcohol. The solution for this problem is to act holy use the money for food.Another problem is that they beg for money. A solution for this problem is to try to get a job.

I think that having homeless people in our city is very bad,if they follow my solutions we will have a better city.Also it wont give bad ideas for the children,thay would wont to be like them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the issue of homelessness in America. Additionally, he/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ I think that homeless could be taking care of by doing something about it. ”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ Another problem of homeless people is that some could be child kidnapers.A solution for this problem is that they could turn thier self in.Also when homeless people get the money they wont they don't use it to bye food, they use it to bye alcohol. The solution for this problem is to act holy use the money for food. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“I think that having homeless people in our city is very bad,if they follow my solutions we will have a better city.Also it wont give bad ideas for the children,thay would wont to be like them.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to argue his/her stance on the issue of homelessness in America. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the stated position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ If more people help the homeless by donating food and helping by building homes for them they wouldn't be homeless any more. ”)

Because the response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ Another problem of homeless people is that some could be child kidnapers.A solution for this problem is that they could turn thier self in. ”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates minimal organization in the task response. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think that homeless could be taking care of by doing something about it. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Minimal transitions are evident between some paragraphs/sentences in the essay. (“ If more people help the homeless by donating food and helping by building homes for them they wouldn't be homeless any more. Another problem of homeless people is that some could be child kidnapers.A solution for this problem is that they could turn thier self in.Also when homeless people get the money they wont they don't use it to bye food, they use it to bye alcohol. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“I think that having homeless people in our city is very bad,if they follow my solutions we will have a better city.Also it wont give bad ideas for the children,thay would wont to be like them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs short, choppy sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“The solution for this problem is to act holy use the money for food.Another problem is that they beg for money. A solution for this problem is to try to get a job.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the issue of homelessness in America. (“I think that having homeless people in our city is very bad,if they follow my solutions we will have a better city.Also it wont give bad ideas for the children,thay would wont to be like them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, weak sentence structures are evident, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ Another problem of homeless people is that some could be child kidnapers.A solution for this problem is that they could turn thier self in.Also when homeless people get the money they wont they don't use it to bye food, they use it to bye alcohol. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

the only way you can help homeless people is if you let them work in your house cleaning the dishes or washing your clouth. and then you pay them and then take them to store. so they could buy some clouth or you could take them eat or you could show them how cook so they make their own food an if you see that works you could tell your friends to help.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning and satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion statement for the issue presented, and little effort is made to argue points in any way.

The essay fails to reveal a clear stance on the issue of homelessness in America. (“ the only way you can help homeless people is if you let them work in your house cleaning the dishes or washing your clouth. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an awareness of audience because the writer’s response is rambling and unfocused. (“so they could buy some clouth or you could take them eat or you could show them how cook so they make their own food an if you see that works you could tell your friends to help.”)

The writer’s ideas are not developed in any way. (“ and then you pay them and then take them to store. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the argument on the issue of homelessness in America. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“the only way you can help homeless people is if you let them work in your house cleaning the dishes or washing your clouth. and then you pay them and then take them to store. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are presented in body paragraphs in the essay. (“the only way you can help homeless people is if you let them work in your house cleaning the dishes or washing your clouth. and then you pay them and then take them to store. so they could buy some clouth or you could take them eat or you could show them how cook so they make their own food an if you see that works you could tell your friends to help.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ and then you pay them and then take them to store. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ the only way you can help homeless people is if you let them work in your house cleaning the dishes or washing your clouth. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ and then you pay them and then take them to store. ”)

The essay does not include a recognizable conclusion that would give the readers a sense of closure. (“so they could buy some clouth or you could take them eat or you could show them how cook so they make their own food an if you see that works you could tell your friends to help.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“the only way you can help homeless people is if you let them work in your house cleaning the dishes or washing your clouth. and then you pay them and then take them to store. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“so they could buy some clouth or you could take them eat or you could show them how cook so they make their own food an if you see that works you could tell your friends to help.”)

The style of the writing is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to argue his/her points about homelessness in America, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“and then you pay them and then take them to store. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ the only way you can help homeless people is if you let them work in your house cleaning the dishes or washing your clouth. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Homework: Beneficial or Not?

Some students believe homework is beneficial for their educational goals, while other students believe it is not. Use iSEEK to research the benefits of homework, and then adopt a position on this issue.

In a multi-paragraph essay, use your research to argue whether homework is beneficial to students' educational goals. Include facts and details from your research to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

School is tiring. Ask anybody that has been through it. There are always those who might say they like school, but there is no doubt that it gets ridiculously hard and stressful. This is something that I've noticed as I've attended my school. In my opinion, school would be almost equally as hard with or without homework. I know it is a pain to have to go home and have to sit down and try to understand the three pages of Algebra 2 that are due the next day. I've been there and it is not fun at all, but you’re missing the whole point. Homework helps you! Whether you agree or not it's a proven fact. It increases your understanding incredibly, gives you better self-discipline, and helps you become greater at independent problem solving. I know that when I do my homework I am able to get way better grades. Without homework I think that I wouldn't be able to understand the things I do right now. It helps you so much, whether you believe me or not.

Aren't tests the worst thing invented? I seriously can agree they are! It's like someone telling you to write down everything you know one a piece of paper and you get scored on it. They are stressful. Wait a second, isn't that what homework is for? Isn't there to prepare you and help you understand what you need to know to be successful in that class and for that test? Yes it is! I know from experience that I do so much better on tests when I have homework beforehand. I already know how to work the problems on the test because I had plenty of practice when I did my homework. Not only did I score amazing on the test, but I understand it! I don't know about you but it sure feels good when I can look at a series of math problems and I'm able to complete them because I did my homework assignment and I understand how to do it. It's hard to get through the late nights doing homework, but I promise that it is worth it.

Right now, I'm in the beginning of my high school soccer season. It has been an experience that has taught me that you have to work for the things that you want in life. I like to compare this to homework and school. We're in school right now and we all know that we have plenty of homework waiting for us at home. Homework to me is practice. It's the practice you do to get a good grade in the class and increase your learning ability. Like soccer, you have to practice; you have to improve so that you perform well in the next game. Homework works the same way. It's the practice and all the time you put in to be able to get one hundred percent on the next test. This comparison works the way anything does. You have to work at what you want to accomplish. If you’re going for good grades, do your homework! This gives you the self-discipline you need, to keep going when you feel you’re going to fall over on the field, when you just can't seem to finish that race. You have to practice. As they say, "practice makes perfect!" So do your homework and it will help you accomplish what you never would've believed you ever could.

Homework isn't what you as a student really think it is. I'm a student and I can argue that it's a stack of papers with blanks that has to be finished before you go back to that class. It isn't quite that. It is a help for you. By picking up your math text book and reading the chapter you are beginning to understand. You are becoming a better independent problem solver. An independent problem solver is someone who can work problems out on their own. We can't do it all on our own, but I believe that it is vital that we take the time to understand our homework with help from our parents, friends, or teachers so that in no time you will be able to solve those problems on your own. The practice that homework gives you helps you with becoming a smarter, more independent person. One day you're going to grow up and you won't be living with your parents anymore. From doing your homework it is possible that you could very well be more successful because you learned how to figure out things on your own.

I know I'm only a freshman, but homework has taught me many important things in my life. It has increased my understanding, helped me to discipline myself more, to become a better independent problem solver, and it has done so many more great things for me. By doing it, it shows. It shows on your tests, knowing the answers of questions in class, and it improves your overall grade. Homework seriously does wonders. I know it has for me. Take my advice and do it. It is a good thing to have homework. It may be hard as you stress your way through it, but the benefits are great.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade the readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. Creative introductions like this help the writer draw readers in and set the tone of the essay. (“School is tiring. Ask anybody that has been through it. There are always those who might say they like school, but there is no doubt that it gets ridiculously hard and stressful.”) The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level rarely, if ever, contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Details are convincing. The essay includes useful comparisons to help convince the audience. (“Homework to me is practice. It's the practice you do to get a good grade in the class and increase your learning ability. Like soccer, you have to practice; you have to improve so that you perform well in the next game.”) Additional details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including or challenging readers. (“This gives you the self-discipline you need, to keep going when you feel you’re going to fall over on the field, when you just can't seem to finish that race.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. It has effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. Essays at this level always use paragraphing to separate ideas. The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. It includes subtle transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Right now, I'm in the beginning of my high school soccer season.”) Reasons are presented in a logical order, and paragraphing is used correctly to separate different ideas.

Language Use & Style

The essay uses language and style very effectively. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences. Language is effectively used to make the writing more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“We can't do it all on our own, but I believe that it is vital that we take the time to understand our homework with help from our parents, friends, or teachers so that in no time you will be able to solve those problems on your own.”) Language and tone are consistent. Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It contains few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Homework is like cleaning your house. It takes forever to finish, does not seem to be at all beneficial and you would much rather be hanging out with friends than writing an essay. However, homework can also be a great way to reinforce concepts learned in class, help students study for tests and will allow teachers to determine what concepts they need to spend the most time on and in what areas they can improve their teaching skills. Homework is vital to student success in school.

Math is one of the hardest subjects in school. Many students feel frustrated because they do not understand what their teacher is teaching them. Even worse, they would just give up if it were not for homework; Homework gives students a reason to try. Math teachers give students homework every night to make sure they are practicing the concepts learned in class. The students who do not do their assignments fall behind, thus creating more confusion and low test scores. At that point, it is almost impossible for students to dig themselves out of the hole of confusion they have created. Teachers give students homework for a reason. Not because they like it, in fact, they hate grading papers. They assign homework to make sure they are learning what they need to learn.

Tests make some students' blood pressure soar. They are very stressful and can ultimately determine whether students pass or fail. Homework is a way of studying. Students tend to remember things better when they have done their homework and understand every part of it. Many students who do not finish their homework bomb tests and that is not a good thing considering the fact that many teachers weight tests more than assignments and Students just need to remember that if their homework is done there is almost no need to worry about upcoming tests.

Teachers have very little ways to get feedback on what students understand, and that they know exactly what they need to. Sure, they can give tests, but that would give them feedback when it is too late. It would be much more beneficial to the students if they had that information before the class is starting to go on to the next unit. Homework allows teachers to see exactly what each individual student understands and does not understand. Yes, it does take a lot out of a student's day to go to school and do homework, but it takes even more time out of a teacher's day to grade all of the papers.

Homework is a pain for both students and teacher and neither side likes it, but it is necessary. Without homework, many students would not even try to understand concepts learned in school, and would just plain give up. To get a good grade, all students really need to do is their homework. Homework is super beneficial to both teachers and students, no matter how much of a pain it is. If their homework’s done, everything will fall into place.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade the readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Homework is like cleaning your house. It takes forever to finish, does not seem to be at all beneficial and you would much rather be hanging out with friends than writing an essay.”) This helps to engage the readers. The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience and does not include slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. It has consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning that helps define that paragraph’s content. The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The conclusion wraps up the main argument and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“Homework is a pain for both students and teacher and neither side likes it, but it is necessary.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety. The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Even worse, they would just give up if it were not for homework; Homework gives students a reason to try.”) Language and tone are consistent. Coherent use of style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. (“Not because they like it, in fact, they hate grading papers.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning. (“The students who do not do their assignments fall behind, thus creating more confusion and low test scores.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I agree with the statement "Doing homework is beneficial." It can be very helpful to maturing minds. You can gain immediate positive effects on achievement and learning, long-term academic effects and nonacademic long-term effects. It can help us understand more, help us remember what we learn about and we can gain better study habits and skills.

The first reason I think that doing homework can really help us is, doing homework can help us understand more. Homework shows us that not having the help of the teacher, teaches us that we do not and cannot always have help from people. We have to be able to do things by yourself every once and a while. If we do not do our homework we can be totally lost and/or bored if we did not do the homework and the teacher and class are talking about it.

In addition, homework can help us remember what we learned that day in class. Sometimes if we do not have homework I forget what we learned about by the next class period. If I did not have homework on say an "A" day, and had homework on a "B" day I will probably be more worried about getting the "B" day homework and not so worried about what we learned about in the "A" day class period.

The third and last reason is that we can gain better study habits and skills by doing our homework. If we do our homework every night and not forget any for a really large time period of time, it sort-of becomes a habit, so in the future for college, we can remember to do our homework, study for tests/quizzes and big projects. This helps us become responsible students who fulfill responsibilities.

In conclusion, if we do not do our homework we will not be able to understand more about the subjects we are learning about, we will forget about what we did in class and get lost the next class period and not get in the habit of studying for tests/quizzes. We will have a really hard time in the future when we have to study for tests/quizzes. Homework can lessen that danger.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position or thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade readers . It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. While the essay is not very creative, it does begin with a strong and clear introduction that informs the readers as to the purpose of the essay. (“ I agree with the statement ‘Doing homework is beneficial.’”) Some ideas presented are unclear or confusing, but the majority of the language supports the thesis in a clear way. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion as well as inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use s ome form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization. T he introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. Transitions are used somewhat effectively throughout the essay. (“In addition, homework can help us remember what we learned that day in class.”) This helps readers move between ideas easily. Finally, the essay includes a conclusion that summarizes the main ideas and provides a sense of closure. (“We will have a really hard time in the future when we have to study for tests/quizzes. Homework can lessen that danger.”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“ If we do our homework every night and not forget any for a really large time period of time, it sort-of becomes a habit, so in the future for college, we can remember to do our homework, study for tests/quizzes and big projects.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever felt like your life is to jam packed because of homework? Well what if you could just get rid of it. Homework does have immidiate effects on learning. Homework is bad because it is time consuming and stressful.

Homework does have immidate effects on learning. Homework increases understanding. According to Cooper (1994) this is ggod because you can help others understand as well. Also from homework you can have better information processing. This is a good thing because when you have to take the ACT you can recall things faster according to Cooper (1994).

First homework is not a good thing because it is time consuming. Students are running out of time at home. According to students with lots of homework they don't have any time at home to do fun things. Teachers don't have time to relax. This is not good because if you don't relax then you will get really angry at people very easily according to teachers that have been asked.

Second homework is stressful. Students get stressed trying to finish their homework and turn it in on time. If you don't get your homework turned in on time then your homework gets docked points and your grade goes down according to students and teachers. Teachers get stressed if they don't get the homework graded quickly.

Homework is not good because it is time consuming and stressful. Teachers start making people more happy by stopping homework.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position or thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The writer also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience but does complete some parts of the task. (“Homework does have immidiate effects on learning. Homework is bad because it is time consuming and stressful.”) The writer’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited by including slang or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level occasionally contain irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. In this case, most of the content is on topic.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. (“First homework is not a good thing because it is time consuming.”) Transitions are used, but they are simplistic. The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Teachers don't have time to relax.”) Additional details would help clarify exactly what the author means.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. It attempts to provide a creative introduction, but it is only somewhat effective. (“Have you ever felt like your life is to jam packed because of homework? Well what if you could just get rid of it.”) Simplistic transitions are used, but they are too formulaic. Finally, the essay includes a conclusion that provides some closure for readers, but it is very brief and does not provide an effective summary of the ideas presented. (“ Homework is not good because it is time consuming and stressful. Teachers start making people more happy by stopping homework.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. Essays at this level often contain sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they contain sentences that are too short and lack sophistication. Usually, this indicates a lack of variety in sentence structure. (“First homework is not a good thing because it is time consuming. Students are running out of time at home.”) Essays at this level have some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have some errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. (“Homework does have immidate effects on learning.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that homework is beneficial at times and sometimes not. Here are some of the reasons why I think homework isnt very beneficial.

First, I think that homework is just the same thing that you learned in class right before you do it so i dont see why there is any point to having homework its not like you learn anything new.

Secound, Homework should not be a something that has to be given every other day you are in class.

Third, there is just no point to homework I think.

Fourth, Homework gets in the way of things a lot of the time like, If you have school dances anyother kinda of activity planed for that day or week.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. For example, the writer does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“I think that homework is beneficial at times and sometimes not.”) The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. Essays at this level may or may not contain irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, and there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not use paragraphs to separate ideas. The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think that homework is beneficial at times and sometimes not.”) Paragraphing is used, but not effectively. Single sentences are separated by paragraphing. Transitions are very simplistic. Finally, there is little or no attempt to provide a conclusion, and the essay ends abruptly. (“If you have school dances anyother kinda of activity planed for that day or week.”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. (“ First, I think that homework is just the same thing that you learned in class right before you do it so i dont see why there is any point to having homework its not like you learn anything new.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Home work a bad thing ? I hope home work helps. Home work is good for studint for these there reasons. Increas is test scores and under standing . Help you have better leanig skillls.

homework can be bad because kids have to much homework so they fall asleep in school dew to homework . however teacher dont give that much homework. homework help your grades if u do your home work you will rember more stuff for class and you will most likely pass the class.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position or thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. Some statements are very confusing. (“Home work a bad thing ? I hope home work helps.”) The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang or other versions of informal language. There may be information that is off topic or irrelevant to the prompt task.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. Ideas provided are not well developed and contain few supporting details. (“homework can be bad because kids have to much homework so they fall asleep in school dew to homework”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion as well as no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The author uses paragraphing, but it is not used consistently. There are no transitions. There is very little evidence of a conclusion. (“homework help your grades if u do your home work you will rember more stuff for class and you will most likely pass the class.”) Concluding remarks are important to help provide the essay with a sense of closure.

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present often impede meaning. (“Help you have better leanig skillls.”)

How to Handle a Bully

Imagine that one of your friends is being bullied in school and is unsure of what to do about the situation. He or she has asked for your help. Should your friend speak to an adult at school about this situation?

Write a letter to your friend in which you suggest ways that he or she could end the bullying. Be sure to support your opinion with examples and/or reasons from your personal experience or readings.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Friend,

With just a glance I can see past your phony smile. I can see the water bubbling in your eyes as you look up from your shaking hands. You are trying to hide and deny that you are anguished, but what you really need to do is open your mouth and face the truth. Why do you allow yourself to be stomped on, and torn apart, piece by piece? Did you know that an estimated 160,000 children miss school everyday due to a fear in bullying? I want to help you to ensure that you do not become one of these children and, I want to make sure that you feel safe at school. The bully that is bothering you needs to stop, it simply isn't fair or right to you. You are not alone, 71% of students report bullying incidents at school. To end the bullying in your situation, you need to tell an adult.

One reason you should tell an adult is that the adult can stop the bully. An adult can punish the classmate that is bulling you. For example, one of the kids in my fourth grade class started teasing me day after day about my presentation. I told my teacher about my problem, and she relieved me by telling me she would take care of it. The bully received lunch detention for a week and never bothered me again. Additionally, an adult has more authority than a bully. Adults are stronger, wiser, and are able to control the bully's actions. The other day, one of the children in my class made a sarcastic remark to the teacher, so my teacher gave him trash pickup for three weeks. Embarrassed, he didn't make a single sound the rest of the class. With a parent away of their child's behavior, they could put a stop to it and make sure it doesn't continue.

Also, an adult is a more experienced and wiser solution to your issue. First, a teacher has been taught how to handle these situations. When I had a conflict with one of my friends at school, my teacher made a compromise so that both of us were happy. Teachers and school staff can listen to both sides of the problem and figure out why the problem continues to happen. Second, an adult has a life experience of bullying. Adults have been on both sides of the bullying. Being the victim, they know what it feels like to have your self esteem lowered and feel by a bully. They know what provokes a bully to tease other kids. Adults have dealt with these problems before, most likely several times. Third, teachers are glad to help you. Teachers are there to help you and teach you ways to solve your problems. I have never had a teacher who turned down my request to help me with my bullying problem. Teachers are glad to help you whether it's in math or with bullies.

Moreover, school is a place to feel safe and reassured. For instance, you should enjoy school. School is a place to learn and have fun. If you feel unsafe at school, then you need to tell an adult. It is not fair for the bully to ruin your school experience just because they want to bother you. Spending time with friends, learning new things, and being a care-free child is what school is about. No parents, teachers, or adults want to see a child have to worry about how a bully might bother them at school. School administration works very hard to make school a safe place, and they want to be informed if a student is being bullied. When I was nine, a girl in my class kept telling me my hair was the wrong color. Her hair was light brown, and mine was blonde. Being nine, I believed that was my hair was truly the wrong color. Every day the girl teased and bothered me. I felt unsafe, as if my hair was going to cause me pain. I didn't know what to do, and I figured that I would be stuck with the wrong color hair forever, but I didn't appreciate her teasing me about it. So I marched right up to the school principal and told him my issue. He brought me in his office and explained that I didn't have the wrong color hair, and that my color hair was perfectly normal. The next day at school, the girl walked up to me and apologized. I was bewildered, but she said that the principal gave her the same explanation he gave me. From then on, we became best friends, and it was all because I told an adult.

Although there are many reasons you should tell an adult, there is also a negative side. In some cases, the bullying might get worse. For starters, the bully might use violence. I remember when a boy told an adult about a bully and after school the bully gave him a bloody nose. There is a possibility you will be known as a "tattle tale." One girl who reports everything to the teacher is called a "tattle tale" everywhere she goes. People may spread false rumors. Two girls were in a fight at my school, so one of the girls told the teacher. The next week, everybody in the school believed she ate cats and dogs. Unfortunately, the bully may team up on you. If you tell an adult, the bully may team up on you with a few of his friends, causing the bullying to be outnumbered. In every negative situation with telling an adult, there is a chance the bullying will get worse. In many cases, the bullying will get worse instead of getting better.

All in all, bullies shouldn't be tolerated at school. School should be safe and fun, and bullies ruin that for everybody. To end your bullying problem, you need to tell an adult. Let's beat the bullies so we can enjoy school!

Your concerned friend,

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“You are not alone, 71% of students report bullying incidents at school. To end the bullying in your situation, you need to tell an adult.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“One reason you should tell an adult is that the adult can stop the bully. An adult can punish the classmate that is bulling you. For example, one of the kids in my fourth grade class started teasing me day after day about my presentation. I told my teacher about my problem, and she relieved me by telling me she would take care of it.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that an adult should be alerted if he/she is being bullied. (“Also, an adult is a more experienced and wiser solution to your issue. First, a teacher has been taught how to handle these situations. When I had a conflict with one of my friends at school, my teacher made a compromise so that both of us were happy. Teachers and school staff can listen to both sides of the problem and figure out why the problem continues to happen.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of how to handle a bully. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Although there are many reasons you should tell an adult, there is also a negative side. In some cases, the bullying might get worse. For starters, the bully might use violence.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“When I was nine, a girl in my class kept telling me my hair was the wrong color. Her hair was light brown, and mine was blonde. Being nine, I believed that was my hair was truly the wrong color. Every day the girl teased and bothered me. I felt unsafe, as if my hair was going to cause me pain. I didn't know what to do, and I figured that I would be stuck with the wrong color hair forever, but I didn't appreciate her teasing me about it. So I marched right up to the school principal and told him my issue.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Did you know that an estimated 160,000 children miss school everyday due to a fear in bullying? I want to help you to ensure that you do not become one of these children and, I want to make sure that you feel safe at school. The bully that is bothering you needs to stop, it simply isn't fair or right to you. You are not alone, 71% of students report bullying incidents at school.”)

Organization

The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“With just a glance I can see past your phony smile. I can see the water bubbling in your eyes as you look up from your shaking hands. You are trying to hide and deny that you are anguished, but what you really need to do is open your mouth and face the truth. Why do you allow yourself to be stomped on, and torn apart, piece by piece?”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to start off,” “moving along,” “arguably,” and “in conclusion” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Also, an adult is a more experienced and wiser solution to your issue. First, a teacher has been taught how to handle these situations. When I had a conflict with one of my friends at school, my teacher made a compromise so that both of us were happy.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“All in all, bullies shouldn't be tolerated at school. School should be safe and fun, and bullies ruin that for everybody. To end your bullying problem, you need to tell an adult. Let's beat the bullies so we can enjoy school!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Although there are many reasons you should tell an adult, there is also a negative side. In some cases, the bullying might get worse. For starters, the bully might use violence.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“First, a teacher has been taught how to handle these situations. When I had a conflict with one of my friends at school, my teacher made a compromise so that both of us were happy. Teachers and school staff can listen to both sides of the problem and figure out why the problem continues to happen. Second, an adult has a life experience of bullying. Adults have been on both sides of the bullying.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“For example, one of the kids in my fourth grade class started teasing me day after day about my presentation. I told my teacher about my problem, and she relieved me by telling me she would take care of it.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Friend,

From name calling, to rumors, to hitting, or texting. These all are forms of bullying. "Bullying is a widespread problem that can happen anywhere. It is not a phase that children go through. It's not just 'messing around', and it's not something to grow out of." - Deseret News. Being bullied is a horrible experience. Defending yourself can be difficult at times. To get a bully to back off I recommend walking away, getting an adult, and asking bystanders to help.

First, just calmly walk away. The bully is looking for your reaction to what happens. If you retaliate, it will only make the situation worse. For instance, say a person is being bullied. The bully keeps picking on them and shoving them. The bully's main goal in that instance is to provoke the person. If the individual calmly walks away there won't be anything for the bully to get satisfaction out of. Even if the bully comes back and tries to perturb the individual again if they give the bully no reaction then the issues will end. Overall, walking away from or avoiding a bully is a very rewarding measure.

Next, tell an adult. If the bully keeps bothering you, getting an adult or telling a parent will help improve the situation. Adults have power and authority they can use to help you. For instance, have you ever heard your mom tell you,"because I said so" when you ask her why? This is the kind of power that adults have over children. As a result, the adult you tell about the situation can help you. Moreover, if you do not tell an adult, they do not know what is going on. The bully could keep getting away with it. Bullying usually happens when adults aren't around. Thus, you should tell an adult so they can be aware about the problems you are facing. In any event you should tell an adult.

Although asking for help can be hard sometimes, ask bystanders to help you. Do not be embarassed to ask for help. A bully enjoys the feeling of power. If more than one person stands up to them they will stand down. For example, in my own life I have been bullied. When the bully started to tease me, my friends and other people in my class would stand up for me and the bully would just walk away. As a result, I didn't have problems with the bully at school anymore. Furthermore, peers are around the bullying 85% of the time. Consequently, there will be people you can ask for help.

To conclude, ways that you can stop bullying are, walking away, informing an adult, and asking friends and peers to help. The techniques I have listed are very effective. You should use them. When you take action to stop the bullying, it will stop. Don't stand by, stand up. Thank you for confiding in me.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Friend

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of how to handle a bully to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“From name calling, to rumors, to hitting, or texting. These all are forms of bullying. 'Bullying is a widespread problem that can happen anywhere. It is not a phase that children go through. It's not just 'messing around', and it's not something to grow out of.' - Deseret News. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First, just calmly walk away. The bully is looking for your reaction to what happens. If you retaliate, it will only make the situation worse. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“To get a bully to back off I recommend walking away, getting an adult, and asking bystanders to help. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Although asking for help can be hard sometimes, ask bystanders to help you. Do not be embarassed to ask for help. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“For instance, say a person is being bullied. The bully keeps picking on them and shoving them. The bully's main goal in that instance is to provoke the person. If the individual calmly walks away there won't be anything for the bully to get satisfaction out of. Even if the bully comes back and tries to perturb the individual again if they give the bully no reaction then the issues will end. ”)

Details used are convincing. (“Next, tell an adult. If the bully keeps bothering you, getting an adult or telling a parent will help improve the situation. Adults have power and authority they can use to help you. For instance, have you ever heard your mom tell you,'because I said so' when you ask her why? This is the kind of power that adults have over children. As a result, the adult you tell about the situation can help you. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“To get a bully to back off I recommend walking away, getting an adult, and asking bystanders to help. ”)

The introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“From name calling, to rumors, to hitting, or texting. These all are forms of bullying. 'Bullying is a widespread problem that can happen anywhere. It is not a phase that children go through. It's not just 'messing around', and it's not something to grow out of.' - Deseret News. Being bullied is a horrible experience. Defending yourself can be difficult at times. To get a bully to back off I recommend walking away, getting an adult, and asking bystanders to help. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up the argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“To conclude, ways that you can stop bullying are, walking away, informing an adult, and asking friends and peers to help. The techniques I have listed are very effective. You should use them. When you take action to stop the bullying, it will stop. Don't stand by, stand up. Thank you for confiding in me. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Next, tell an adult. If the bully keeps bothering you, getting an adult or telling a parent will help improve the situation. Adults have power and authority they can use to help you. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Overall, walking away from or avoiding a bully is a very rewarding measure. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“First, just calmly walk away. The bully is looking for your reaction to what happens. If you retaliate, it will only make the situation worse. ”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ If the individual calmly walks away there won't be anything for the bully to get satisfaction out of. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear friend,

I heard you have a bully problem and I think that I can help. Bullies can drive people to suicide. Most teenage deaths are from suicide. You're my friend, and I don't want to see you hurting all the time. Bullies are unkind and will put people down to build themselves up. That is not right because he's making you feel down about yourself. Telling an adult is a good way to stop a bully from hurting you.

To stop a bully try telling an adult, or the person that is around where it is. You could try being friends with him and give him a gift like cookies or brownies. Just try to be kind to them, then maybe they might stop. Tell your parents that you can't be around him than they can tell the principle and get you away from him during school or where ever you are.

If you tell an adult there is a good chance of not being bullied more. Telling adults will help because they can talk to a principle and the principle can move you away from him or make something that will get you away from that bully. Bullies can hurt you tell an adult to stop them from being around you.

Suicide is a really fast way to ruin your life forever, but it wouldn't be as good as if you told your parents or a grown up. They could get rid of the bully who is messing with your life just because you're different than him. Bullies are inconsiderate to kids who are just a little different than them.

Some people think that it is okay not to tell a grown up, but it isn't. They think that they don't have to tell a grown up because they think they can handle it. Kids particularly need to tell some person who is older and wiser than themselves. Kids all over the world are killing themselves because of all this bullying and mostly because they haven't told an adult.

I challenge you to tell your parents or some adult that you have assurance that they will help you with your problem and that you won't commit suicide. You need help and asked for my opinion on how you should handle this bully that has been inconsiderate to you and to use my advice too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. Many parts of the prompt task are satisfied. An opinion about how to handle a bully is established, and the writer adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“Telling an adult is a good way to stop a bully from hurting you.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“To stop a bully try telling an adult, or the person that is around where it is. You could try being friends with him and give him a gift like cookies or brownies. Just try to be kind to them, then maybe they might stop.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“If you tell an adult there is a good chance of not being bullied more. Telling adults will help because they can talk to a principle and the principle can move you away from him or make something that will get you away from that bully.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Suicide is a really fast way to ruin your life forever, but it wouldn't be as good as if you told your parents or a grown up. They could get rid of the bully who is messing with your life just because you're different than him. Bullies are inconsiderate to kids who are just a little different than them.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“To stop a bully try telling an adult, or the person that is around where it is. You could try being friends with him and give him a gift like cookies or brownies. Just try to be kind to them, then maybe they might stop. Tell your parents that you can't be around him than they can tell the principle and get you away from him during school or where ever you are.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some people think that it is okay not to tell a grown up, but it isn't. They think that they don't have to tell a grown up because they think they can handle it. Kids particularly need to tell some person who is older and wiser than themselves. Kids all over the world are killing themselves because of all this bullying and mostly because they haven't told an adult.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“I heard you have a bully problem and I think that I can help. Bullies can drive people to suicide. Most teenage deaths are from suicide. You're my friend, and I don't want to see you hurting all the time. Bullies are unkind and will put people down to build themselves up. That is not right because he's making you feel down about yourself. Telling an adult is a good way to stop a bully from hurting you.”)

The thesis is stated at the end of the introduction. (“Telling an adult is a good way to stop a bully from hurting you.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. (“I challenge you to tell your parents or some adult that you have assurance that they will help you with your problem and that you won't commit suicide. You need help and asked for my opinion on how you should handle this bully that has been inconsiderate to you and to use my advice too.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“To stop a bully try telling an adult, or the person that is around where it is. You could try being friends with him and give him a gift like cookies or brownies. Just try to be kind to them, then maybe they might stop. Tell your parents that you can't be around him than they can tell the principle and get you away from him during school or where ever you are.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“Suicide is a really fast way to ruin your life forever, but it wouldn't be as good as if you told your parents or a grown up. They could get rid of the bully who is messing with your life just because you're different than him. Bullies are inconsiderate to kids who are just a little different than them.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments. (“I challenge you to tell your parents or some adult that you have assurance that they will help you with your problem and that you won't commit suicide.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ You could try being friends with him and give him a gift like cookies or brownies. Just try to be kind to them, then maybe they might stop.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear friend,

I have a few tips for you. My first tip is that you try to stand up to them. I know standing up to someone is scary but I think you should try. Standing up for someone takes a lot of courage so you have to be willing to and I know you are. This tip is kind of dangerous so choose your words carefully, or you will be bullied more. If, they call you names just ignore it because you know it's not true and they're only trying to make them feel good about themselves.

My second tip for you is to tell a trusted adult about what's happening to you. An adult should know what to do about the situation and will stop the bullying immediately. An adult is probably the best choice because adults are kind and wise and always listens to what you have to say. This choice is not as dangerous as the first tip, but feel free to choose which one you want to do.

I hope you try some of my tips. Thank you for asking for my help. Don't be afraid to ask for help next time because I will always support you. You are my best friend so I will always help you and that's what friends are for. I will always be here when you need me.

Sincerely,

your dearest friend

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of how to handle a bully but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ This tip is kind of dangerous so choose your words carefully, or you will be bullied more. If, they call you names just ignore it because you know it's not true and they're only trying to make them feel good about themselves. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“My second tip for you is to tell a trusted adult about what's happening to you. An adult should know what to do about the situation and will stop the bullying immediately. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“ I hope you try some of my tips. Thank you for asking for my help. Don't be afraid to ask for help next time because I will always support you. You are my best friend so I will always help you and that's what friends are for. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against telling an adult about a bully. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“I know standing up to someone is scary but I think you should try. Standing up for someone takes a lot of courage so you have to be willing to and I know you are. ”)

Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. (“My second tip for you is to tell a trusted adult about what's happening to you. An adult should know what to do about the situation and will stop the bullying immediately. An adult is probably the best choice because adults are kind and wise and always listens to what you have to say. This choice is not as dangerous as the first tip, but feel free to choose which one you want to do.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The introduction of the essay is limited; the writer begins the essay with a simple statement regarding how to handle a bully. (“ I have a few tips for you. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“My second tip for you is to tell a trusted adult about what's happening to you. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“ I hope you try some of my tips. Thank you for asking for my help. Don't be afraid to ask for help next time because I will always support you. You are my best friend so I will always help you and that's what friends are for. I will always be here when you need me. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“My first tip is that you try to stand up to them. I know standing up to someone is scary but I think you should try. Standing up for someone takes a lot of courage so you have to be willing to and I know you are. This tip is kind of dangerous so choose your words carefully, or you will be bullied more. If, they call you names just ignore it because you know it's not true and they're only trying to make them feel good about themselves. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay, and the sentences in this essay are too short. (“I hope you try some of my tips. Thank you for asking for my help. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear friend,

Here are some things you could do.

The best way to deal with a bully is to maybe tell a teacher or parent and have them deal with it. Because sometimes a bully will try to hurt you. When a bully comes up to you the best thing to do is to just walk away. Also stay with freinds. If you are with freinds a bully will walk away. If he does anything your frends can go get a teacher. I would suggest staying around friends but still just walk away. Because if he is bullying you don't do the same thing he does and be a bully. You should try to stay near teachers if you are not with your friends. Because if a bully notices the teacher he might not do anything. If he does not notice the teacher he might do something and the teacher might see.

That is what I have to tell you.

your friend, A

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of how to handle a bully. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ The best way to deal with a bully is to maybe tell a teacher or parent and have them deal with it. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ If he does anything your frends can go get a teacher. I would suggest staying around friends but still just walk away. Because if he is bullying you don't do the same thing he does and be a bully. You should try to stay near teachers if you are not with your friends. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ The best way to deal with a bully is to maybe tell a teacher or parent and have them deal with it. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of how to handle a bully. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ The best way to deal with a bully is to maybe tell a teacher or parent and have them deal with it. Because sometimes a bully will try to hurt you. When a bully comes up to you the best thing to do is to just walk away. Also stay with freinds. ”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of how to handle a bully. (“You should try to stay near teachers if you are not with your friends. Because if a bully notices the teacher he might not do anything. If he does not notice the teacher he might do something and the teacher might see.”)

Organization

Little evidence of an effective introduction is demonstrated. (“Here are some things you could do.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Here are some things you could do. …The best way to deal with a bully is to maybe tell a teacher or parent and have them deal with it. Because sometimes a bully will try to hurt you. When a bully comes up to you the best thing to do is to just walk away. Also stay with freinds.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“You should try to stay near teachers if you are not with your friends. Because if a bully notices the teacher he might not do anything. If he does not notice the teacher he might do something and the teacher might see. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“When a bully comes up to you the best thing to do is to just walk away. Also stay with freinds. If you are with freinds a bully will walk away. If he does anything your frends can go get a teacher. I would suggest staying around friends but still just walk away. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear dude, I have heard you are being phisicly bullied by a kid. I need you to first just to ignore the kid. If he keeps going side with his friends. that will probably get him to stop. if his friends will not cooperate then it is time to tell a adult. this will work. if it does not work i am sorry but just deal with it and pray that the bully does not beat you to a messy mess

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of how to handle a bully. (“ I need you to first just to ignore the kid. If he keeps going side with his friends. that will probably get him to stop. if his friends will not cooperate then it is time to tell a adult. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ Dear dude, I have heard you are being phisicly bullied by a kid. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ I have heard you are being phisicly bullied by a kid. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of how to handle a bully. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I need you to first just to ignore the kid. If he keeps going side with his friends. that will probably get him to stop. if his friends will not cooperate then it is time to tell a adult. this will work. if it does not work i am sorry but just deal with it and pray that the bully does not beat you to a messy mess ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are present in body paragraphs. (“I need you to first just to ignore the kid. If he keeps going side with his friends. that will probably get him to stop. if his friends will not cooperate then it is time to tell a adult. this will work. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer inadequately states how to handle a bully. (“if his friends will not cooperate then it is time to tell a adult. this will work. ”)

Organization

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“ I need you to first just to ignore the kid. If he keeps going side with his friends. that will probably get him to stop. if his friends will not cooperate then it is time to tell a adult. this will work. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about or tells them what to do next. (“if it does not work i am sorry but just deal with it and pray that the bully does not beat you to a messy mess”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I need you to first just to ignore the kid. If he keeps going side with his friends. that will probably get him to stop. if his friends will not cooperate then it is time to tell a adult. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“if his friends will not cooperate then it is time to tell a adult. this will work. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“if it does not work i am sorry but just deal with it and pray that the bully does not beat you to a messy mess”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Ideal Winter Getaway

Every year, many schools close for winter break. With the changing of the seasons comes the need for a change of pace. During this period of time, many families choose to get away for a little rest and relaxation before the onset of school-related activities.

Write a letter to your parents persuading them of the many ways a winter getaway would be beneficial to your family. Be sure to describe the ideal location for this getaway and what kinds of activities you could participate in during the break. Be sure to use specific details to support your ideas.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine flying down the slopes, your hair whipping in the wind, the smell of wild pine trees in the air, and the sound of your snowboard gliding across the snow. What a magnificent place for Christmas, the family cabin in the Colorado Mountains . The cabin is on the side of a mountain, with a perfect view. Out onto the observatory deck, you can see beyond the horizon. The sparkling lake, tucked between two mountains, is perfect for ice skating when frozen. Also, there are millions of fresh, wild pines all around. The best place to get away from the world, but not totally secluded from civilization, Denver is only a ten minute drive down the mountain. It’s a tiny little city full of life.

As you can see, Colorado is a great place to vacation for holidays. It lets everyone experience a whole different setting. Down here in Florida , there is only one season, summer. Yes, if we are lucky, we may get a few days of the year at sixty degrees. But unfortunately that hasn't happened yet. Also, there is snow! We get to participate in activities we've never done. To illustrate, I've only been skiing once in my whole life. And my dad's whole entire family lives in New York ! Skiing is a great way to burn off some holiday charge and family feasts. Snowboarding looks like loads of fun, but as you can probably guess, I've never done that either. It would be the perfect Christmas present! Also, we haven't even been in a classic snowball fight! In the snow, the first thing you should do is have a snow ball fight right? Well, I've been in the snow loads of times, and not one war yet! My dad is always telling my sisters and I stories about snowball fights when he was a boy. The stories make us fantasize about being caught in a snowy war. Colorado gives the whole family a change of scenery, but it also shuts my dad and I up, complaining about how hot Florida is.

Also, my dad and I are both Yankees. He was born in Queens, while I was born in Huntington , both towns in New York . So, we love the cold, we can't get enough of it! Unfortunately, both my sisters and mom were born down here in Florida , which means that my dad and I have to suffer through the scorching hot summer days of Florida , just because they don't care for the cold weather. Colorado is a great way to shut my dad and I up about how hot Florida is. For instance, during the summer, everyone is outside in the sun, enjoying themselves, when my dad and I are inside the house, in the shade, or in a pool. We don't like to be hot at all. It's just not our comfort zone. Also, whenever we are out in fiery sun, we always have something negative to say about it. My mom always yells at us saying "Go back to New York you Yankees!" I think its sort of funny. Colorado is always a great place to experience the freezing cold weather, but also, you get away from the hustle and bustle down here.

Finally, our little cabin up in the mountains provides a great place to relax and get away from the world. My dad is always complaining about how busy we are and how we never get to "stop and smell the roses". In some way, I agree with him. I mean right now I have loads of things to do. I have to catch up on my school work, I have band concerts to get ready for, and soccer is also three times a week. On top of that, I referee soccer games down in Hobe Sound. So I guess it would be great to drop everything and just worry about how I'm going to spend my week up in the peaceful mountains. The other reason for why I love the cabin is because it’s not totally cut off from civilization. Denver is only a ten minute drive down the mountain. If I got board and wanted to see a movie or do some Christmas shopping in the mall, I could. For example, a whole week is a long time to spend with your family right? Yes, you might say you wouldn't see them very much out on the slopes, but surprisingly you run into them pretty often. Well, at least I run into my parents a lot. The only thing to escape the family would be to spend a few hours "Christmas shopping". I would go shopping for probably about an hour, then meet up with some friends and catch a movie. I mean spending time with my family is cool and everything, but you need your space. So, Denver provides that space! Only a ten minute drive down the mountain, and back to civilization! Colorado is the perfect place to go if you want to escape the world, but not be totally cut off.

All in all, Colorado is the perfect place for Christmas break. Snow is everywhere you look! Who doesn't like snow?! We also get a movie Christmas for once! Also know as a whit Christmas. Not to mention, if all you want for Christmas is a break from the world, its the right place to be. My dad loves our cabin because everyone gets to break free of the world and just relax. Colorado also makes my dad and I stop complaining about how fiery hot Florida is, but only for a few weeks. To conclude, if I could go to any place in the whole world, I would definitely go to Colorado . It's the best place on Earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Imagine flying down the slopes, your hair whipping in the wind, the smell of wild pine trees in the air, and the sound of your snowboard gliding across the snow. What a magnificent place for Christmas, the family cabin in the Colorado Mountains. The cabin is on the side of a mountain, with a perfect view. Out onto the observatory deck, you can see beyond the horizon. The sparkling lake, tucked between two mountains, is perfect for ice skating when frozen. Also, there are millions of fresh, wild pines all around. The best place to get away from the world, but not totally secluded from civilization, Denver is only a ten minute drive down the mountain. It’s a tiny little city full of life.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“As you can see, Colorado is a great place to vacation for holidays. It lets everyone experience a whole different setting. Down here in Florida, there is only one season, summer. Yes, if we are lucky, we may get a few days of the year at sixty degrees. But unfortunately that hasn't happened yet. Also, there is snow! We get to participate in activities we've never done. To illustrate, I've only been skiing once in my whole life. And my dad's whole entire family lives in New York!”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing the intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Also, my dad and I are both Yankees. He was born in Queens, while I was born in Huntington, both towns in New York. So, we love the cold, we can't get enough of it! Unfortunately, both my sisters and mom were born down here in Florida, which means that my dad and I have to suffer through the scorching hot summer days of Florida, just because they don't care for the cold weather.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of an ideal winter getaway. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“My dad is always complaining about how busy we are and how we never get to ‘stop and smell the roses’. In some way, I agree with him. I mean right now I have loads of things to do. I have to catch up on my school work, I have band concerts to get ready for, and soccer is also three times a week. On top of that, I referee soccer games down in Hobe Sound.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Colorado is a great way to shut my dad and I up about how hot Florida is. For instance, during the summer, everyone is outside in the sun, enjoying themselves, when my dad and I are inside the house, in the shade, or in a pool. We don't like to be hot at all. It's just not our comfort zone.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. (“Also, we haven't even been in a classic snowball fight! In the snow, the first thing you should do is have a snow ball fight right? Well, I've been in the snow loads of times, and not one war yet! My dad is always telling my sisters and I stories about snowball fights when he was a boy. The stories make us fantasize about being caught in a snowy war. Colorado gives the whole family a change of scenery, but it also shuts my dad and I up, complaining about how hot Florida is.”) The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Imagine flying down the slopes, your hair whipping in the wind, the smell of wild pine trees in the air, and the sound of your snowboard gliding across the snow. What a magnificent place for Christmas, the family cabin in the Colorado Mountains. The cabin is on the side of a mountain, with a perfect view. Out onto the observatory deck, you can see beyond the horizon. The sparkling lake, tucked between two mountains, is perfect for ice skating when frozen. Also, there are millions of fresh, wild pines all around. The best place to get away from the world, but not totally secluded from civilization, Denver is only a ten minute drive down the mountain. It’s a tiny little city full of life.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “all in all,” “finally,” “also,” and “unfortunately” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Unfortunately, both my sisters and mom were born down here in Florida, which means that my dad and I have to suffer through the scorching hot summer days of Florida, just because they don't care for the cold weather.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“All in all, Colorado is the perfect place for Christmas break. Snow is everywhere you look! Who doesn't like snow?! We also get a movie Christmas for once! Also know as a whit Christmas. Not to mention, if all you want for Christmas is a break from the world, its the right place to be. My dad loves our cabin because everyone gets to break free of the world and just relax. Colorado also makes my dad and I stop complaining about how fiery hot Florida is, but only for a few weeks. To conclude, if I could go to any place in the whole world, I would definitely go to Colorado. It's the best place on Earth.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“To illustrate, I've only been skiing once in my whole life. And my dad's whole entire family lives in New York! Skiing is a great way to burn off some holiday charge and family feasts. Snowboarding looks like loads of fun, but as you can probably guess, I've never done that either. It would be the perfect Christmas present!”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“All in all, Colorado is the perfect place for Christmas break. Snow is everywhere you look! Who doesn't like snow?! We also get a movie Christmas for once! Also know as a whit Christmas.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“As you can see, Colorado is a great place to vacation for holidays. It lets everyone experience a whole different setting. Down here in Florida, there is only one season, summer. Yes, if we are lucky, we may get a few days of the year at sixty degrees. But unfortunately that hasn't happened yet.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Finally, our little cabin up in the mountains provides a great place to relax and get away from the world. My dad is always complaining about how busy we are and how we never get to ‘stop and smell the roses’. In some way, I agree with him.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

For winter break this year, I think we should go somewhere nice. How about Washington, D.C.? There is not a better place to learn the history our wonderful nation. Let us start with the monuments. There are so many but because time is short, we can only visit a few. Some of these could be the Washington Monument and the Air Force Memorial. We could also go to the White House or the U.S. Capitol. To view some of our nation's history we should go to the Smithsonian Institution.

First, we can go see some of the monuments. One I would really to see is the Washington Monument. Why, you might ask. Well, because an elevator takes visitors up to the 500-foot landing for magnificent views of the city. In addition, there is a tour that tells the history of the monument and how it came about. I would also like to see the Air Force Memorial. It honors the men and women who have served in the United States Air Force. I know both of you were in the Air Force and I think it would be neat to learn about the military.

After the Air Force Memorial, I would love to go to the White House. I would like to see where the President of the United States lives and works. Is the oval office really oval? I would like to go and see for myself. After we are done at the White House, we can take a walk down the street to the US Capitol building. It is the seat of the legislative branch of the national government, which houses the meeting chambers of the Senate and the House of Representatives. It is among the most architecturally impressive and symbolically important buildings in the world and stands as a monument to the American people and their government.

One other place I would like to visit is the Smithsonian Museum. One reason I would like to go is because they have a lot of artifacts from around the world. It would really be neat to see and learn about other regions of the world. They have interactive touch-screen programs that really get you involved in history. Since the Smithsonian has many museums I would like see the National Air and Space Museum. I have always have been fascinated with airplanes and space and would like to see the exhibit. Another museum I want see is National Museum of American History. At this museum, they have inventions of the past.

Mom and dad, you might not agree with this plan and think it would cost too much money to visit Washington, D.C. and the attractions. But, I am willing to give up my allowance for a whole month, to help pay for admission to the museums.

There are many other attractions in Washington DC that we will not have enough time to see. I would love to stay a whole month to learn everything about our national but I would be happy to go over winter break.

Sincerely,

Your son Michael

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the choosing his/her location for a winter getaway to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“For winter break this year, I think we should go somewhere nice. How about Washington, D.C.? There is not a better place to learn the history our wonderful nation. Let us start with the monuments. There are so many but because time is short, we can only visit a few. Some of these could be the Washington Monument and the Air Force Memorial. We could also go to the White House or the U.S. Capitol. To view some of our nation's history we should go to the Smithsonian Institution. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“After the Air Force Memorial, I would love to go to the White House. I would like to see where the President of the United States lives and works. Is the oval office really oval? I would like to go and see for myself. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“After we are done at the White House, we can take a walk down the street to the US Capitol building. It is the seat of the legislative branch of the national government, which houses the meeting chambers of the Senate and the House of Representatives. It is among the most architecturally impressive and symbolically important buildings in the world and stands as a monument to the American people and their government. ”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Mom and dad, you might not agree with this plan and think it would cost too much money to visit Washington, D.C. and the attractions. But, I am willing to give up my allowance for a whole month, to help pay for admission to the museums. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“One other place I would like to visit is the Smithsonian Museum. One reason I would like to go is because they have a lot of artifacts from around the world. It would really be neat to see and learn about other regions of the world. They have interactive touch-screen programs that really get you involved in history. ”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“Since the Smithsonian has many museums I would like see the National Air and Space Museum. I have always have been fascinated with airplanes and space and would like to see the exhibit. Another museum I want see is National Museum of American History. At this museum, they have inventions of the past. ”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“For winter break this year, I think we should go somewhere nice. How about Washington, D.C.? There is not a better place to learn the history our wonderful nation. Let us start with the monuments. There are so many but because time is short, we can only visit a few. Some of these could be the Washington Monument and the Air Force Memorial. We could also go to the White House or the U.S. Capitol. To view some of our nation's history we should go to the Smithsonian Institution. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“One other place I would like to visit is the Smithsonian Museum. One reason I would like to go is because they have a lot of artifacts from around the world. It would really be neat to see and learn about other regions of the world. They have interactive touch-screen programs that really get you involved in history. ”)

The writer’s conclusion reinstates his/her argument. (“There are many other attractions in Washington DC that we will not have enough time to see. I would love to stay a whole month to learn everything about our national but I would be happy to go over winter break. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“After the Air Force Memorial, I would love to go to the White House. I would like to see where the President of the United States lives and works. Is the oval office really oval? I would like to go and see for myself. After we are done at the White House, we can take a walk down the street to the US Capitol building. It is the seat of the legislative branch of the national government, which houses the meeting chambers of the Senate and the House of Representatives. It is among the most architecturally impressive and symbolically important buildings in the world and stands as a monument to the American people and their government. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“I know both of you were in the Air Force and I think it would be neat to learn about the military. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“One other place I would like to visit is the Smithsonian Museum. One reason I would like to go is because they have a lot of artifacts from around the world. It would really be neat to see and learn about other regions of the world. They have interactive touch-screen programs that really get you involved in history. Since the Smithsonian has many museums I would like see the National Air and Space Museum. I have always have been fascinated with airplanes and space and would like to see the exhibit. Another museum I want see is National Museum of American History. At this museum, they have inventions of the past. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Mom and dad, you might not agree with this plan and think it would cost too much money to visit Washington, D.C. and the attractions. But, I am willing to give up my allowance for a whole month, to help pay for admission to the museums. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Parents,

As you may know we are getting out for the winter break. This gives us the perfect opportunity to go on a special vacation and I vote for a family cruise. We should go to the Bahamas on a cruise ship. You may know that everyone in the family is exhausted from doing the same monotonous thing. Going on a vacation to the Bahamas gives us the opportunity to spend quality time together. Plus the Bahamas has crystal clear beach water to enjoy.

Between all the horrible school work and the terrible hours at the job, our family needs a serious break. I know that this trip will cost a lot of money but its worth it because we need to enjoy ourselves. Since winter break is over the Christmas season this trip would be the perfect family gift. It's the perfect gift because we don't have to buy each other gifts all we have to do is pay for the cruise.

Even though the Bahamas are small islands they have big beaches. The white sand is perfect to make sand castles. Then the crystal clear water is perfect to swim in. The water is also good for jet skiing. It is really easy to see through the water which makes it easier to catch fish. Then after we get done playing at the beach we can relax.

After we get done from playing at the beach we can relax as a family. The Bahamas has just as many places to play as they have places to relax. We can go to a movie theater and watch a movie. We can also go to a nice restaurant to eat dinner. Then my family can play a board game or take a long nap to end the day.

Now you know why going to the Bahamas will be the best winter vacation. You also know why I need this cruise to get away from working and going to school. Our family needs this cruise to spend more time together.This vacation would be best for my family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about an ideal winter getaway and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“As you may know we are getting out for the winter break. This gives us the perfect opportunity to go on a special vacation and I vote for a family cruise. We should go to the Bahamas on a cruise ship. You may know that everyone in the family is exhausted from doing the same monotonous thing. Going on a vacation to the Bahamas gives us the opportunity to spend quality time together. Plus the Bahamas has crystal clear beach water to enjoy.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Between all the horrible school work and the terrible hours at the job, our family needs a serious break. I know that this trip will cost a lot of money but its worth it because we need to enjoy ourselves. Since winter break is over the Christmas season this trip would be the perfect family gift. It's the perfect gift because we don't have to buy each other gifts all we have to do is pay for the cruise.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Even though the Bahamas are small islands they have big beaches. The white sand is perfect to make sand castles. Then the crystal clear water is perfect to swim in.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“The water is also good for jet skiing. It is really easy to see through the water which makes it easier to catch fish. Then after we get done playing at the beach we can relax.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“After we get done from playing at the beach we can relax as a family. The Bahamas has just as many places to play as they have places to relax. We can go to a movie theater and watch a movie. We can also go to a nice restaurant to eat dinner. Then my family can play a board game or take a long nap to end the day.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“As you may know we are getting out for the winter break. This gives us the perfect opportunity to go on a special vacation and I vote for a family cruise. We should go to the Bahamas on a cruise ship.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “between,” “after,” and “even,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“After we get done from playing at the beach we can relax as a family.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Now you know why going to the Bahamas will be the best winter vacation. You also know why I need this cruise to get away from working and going to school. Our family needs this cruise to spend more time together.This vacation would be best for my family.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Between all the horrible school work and the terrible hours at the job, our family needs a serious break. I know that this trip will cost a lot of money but its worth it because we need to enjoy ourselves. Since winter break is over the Christmas season this trip would be the perfect family gift. It's the perfect gift because we don't have to buy each other gifts all we have to do is pay for the cruise.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Now you know why going to the Bahamas will be the best winter vacation. You also know why I need this cruise to get away from working and going to school. Our family needs this cruise to spend more time together.This vacation would be best for my family.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“After we get done from playing at the beach we can relax as a family. The Bahamas has just as many places to play as they have places to relax. We can go to a movie theater and watch a movie. We can also go to a nice restaurant to eat dinner. Then my family can play a board game or take a long nap to end the day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“As you may know we are getting out for the winter break. This gives us the perfect opportunity to go on a special vacation and I vote for a family cruise. We should go to the Bahamas on a cruise ship. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

dear Mom and Dad,

Imagine this: A two-bedroom suit, a master bedroom with a king-sized bed, three bathrooms, spacious private balconies, in the Bahamas. Over the winter break, I thought we could go on vacation to the Bahamas. We could stay in the Reef Antlantis. The Dolphin Cay is in walking distance from there. We could swim and play with the dolphins. Also in walking distance is the Mandara Spa. There's even an Atlantis Theatre. I know we can watch movies any time we want, but I just want to see it. In addition to the attractions, the beaches and pools are amazing. Most of our trip would be in the water. We just have to go.

The dolphin Cay is a "multi-million dollar state-of-the art habitat" for bottle-nosed dolphins. It's the home to a pod of bottle-nosed dolphins that were rescued from Katrina. We can actually swim with the dolphins in a lagoon off the carribean. I've always wanted to play with a dolphin, who wouldn't? There is even a program that allows people to go snorkeling with a water scooter. You can't honestly say this doesn't sound fun.

The Mandara Spa uses "ancient techniques from Asia, traditional european spa therapies, and natural spices, fruit, and minerals indigenous to the Bahamas." Mom, you are always working so hard and sitting at the computer all day, This would do you some good.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of an ideal winter getaway but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Imagine this: A two-bedroom suit, a master bedroom with a king-sized bed, three bathrooms, spacious private balconies, in the Bahamas. Over the winter break, I thought we could go on vacation to the Bahamas. We could stay in the Reef Antlantis. The Dolphin Cay is in walking distance from there. We could swim and play with the dolphins.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“The Mandara Spa uses ‘ancient techniques from Asia, traditional european spa therapies, and natural spices, fruit, and minerals indigenous to the Bahamas.’ Mom, you are always working so hard and sitting at the computer all day, This would do you some good. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“Also in walking distance is the Mandara Spa. There's even an Atlantis Theatre. I know we can watch movies any time we want, but I just want to see it. In addition to the attractions, the beaches and pools are amazing. Most of our trip would be in the water. We just have to go.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for an ideal winter getaway. The writer makes an attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“The dolphin Cay is a ‘multi-million dollar state-of-the art habitat’ for bottle-nosed dolphins. It's the home to a pod of bottle-nosed dolphins that were rescued from Katrina. We can actually swim with the dolphins in a lagoon off the carribean. I've always wanted to play with a dolphin, who wouldn't? ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“We can actually swim with the dolphins in a lagoon off the carribean. I've always wanted to play with a dolphin, who wouldn't? ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for taking a trip to the Bahamas, it is not an effective support for the argument .

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The writer also incorporates use of paragraphing but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer gives a description on the lodging. (“Imagine this: A two-bedroom suit, a master bedroom with a king-sized bed, three bathrooms, spacious private balconies, in the Bahamas.”)

Strong transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“The dolphin Cay is a ‘multi-million dollar state-of-the art habitat’ for bottle-nosed dolphins. It's the home to a pod of bottle-nosed dolphins that were rescued from Katrina. We can actually swim with the dolphins in a lagoon off the carribean. I've always wanted to play with a dolphin, who wouldn't? There is even a program that allows people to go snorkeling with a water scooter. You can't honestly say this doesn't sound fun. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“The Mandara Spa uses ‘ancient techniques from Asia, traditional european spa therapies, and natural spices, fruit, and minerals indigenous to the Bahamas.’ Mom, you are always working so hard and sitting at the computer all day, This would do you some good.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“We could stay in the Reef Antlantis. The Dolphin Cay is in walking distance from there. We could swim and play with the dolphins. Also in walking distance is the Mandara Spa. There's even an Atlantis Theatre. I know we can watch movies any time we want, but I just want to see it. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“The dolphin Cay is a ‘multi-million dollar state-of-the art habitat’ for bottle-nosed dolphins. It's the home to a pod of bottle-nosed dolphins that were rescued from Katrina. We can actually swim with the dolphins in a lagoon off the carribean. I've always wanted to play with a dolphin, who wouldn't? There is even a program that allows people to go snorkeling with a water scooter. You can't honestly say this doesn't sound fun. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “we.” (“We could stay in the Reef Antlantis. The Dolphin Cay is in walking distance from there. We could swim and play with the dolphins. Also in walking distance is the Mandara Spa. There's even an Atlantis Theatre. I know we can watch movies any time we want, but I just want to see it. In addition to the attractions, the beaches and pools are amazing. Most of our trip would be in the water. We just have to go. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“The Mandara Spa uses ‘ancient techniques from Asia, traditional european spa therapies, and natural spices, fruit, and minerals indigenous to the Bahamas.’ Mom, you are always working so hard and sitting at the computer all day, This would do you some good.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear mom and dad,

For a winter get away, I would go to Mexico . I would go to Mexico because I have never been there before and I want to see what it would be like. When I go for a winter break I am going to be happy because I do not have to shovel snow. Over the next couple of days it is going to be rough. I will go with my friend Anthony. We are going by car. When I get to Mexico I want to get a hot taco. Iam going to look forward to meeting the rest of Anthoy's family. I want to try new food that is a tradition in Mexico . I would also like to go to New York to visit my aunt. She told me that her apartment is big. She also told me that she said that she had an awesome view of tmes square. I always wanted to go back down south to visit all of my family it Louisiana . I haven't seen my auntie Pat in over a couple of years. I haven't seen my grandpa Dave in a while either. I want to go to Hawii, so I can take scuba diveing lessons. I would at least like to go to any of those places for a winter get away I hope that you will come with me on this fun and adventures vaction. I want to go to paris so I can try the gloryous food. I like paris cause of the Eilfe tower, and the boat rides

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of persuading a parent of an ideal winter getaway. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“I want to go to Hawii, so I can take scuba diveing lessons. I would at least like to go to any of those places for a winter get away I hope that you will come with me on this fun and adventures vaction. I want to go to paris so I can try the gloryous food. I like paris cause of the Eilfe tower, and the boat rides”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“Over the next couple of days it is going to be rough. I will go with my friend Anthony. We are going by car. When I get to Mexico I want to get a hot taco. Iam going to look forward to meeting the rest of Anthoy's family. I want to try new food that is a tradition in Mexico. I would also like to go to New York to visit my aunt. She told me that her apartment is big. She also told me that she said that she had an awesome view of tmes square.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“For a winter get away, I would go to Mexico. I would go to Mexico because I have never been there before and I want to see what it would be like. When I go for a winter break I am going to be happy because I do not have to shovel snow.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of his/her ideal winter getaway. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“When I get to Mexico I want to get a hot taco. Iam going to look forward to meeting the rest of Anthoy's family. I want to try new food that is a tradition in Mexico.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“For a winter get away, I would go to Mexico. I would go to Mexico because I have never been there before and I want to see what it would be like. When I go for a winter break I am going to be happy because I do not have to shovel snow. Over the next couple of days it is going to be rough. I will go with my friend Anthony. We are going by car. When I get to Mexico I want to get a hot taco. Iam going to look forward to meeting the rest of Anthoy's family. I want to try new food that is a tradition in Mexico. I would also like to go to New York to visit my aunt. She told me that her apartment is big. She also told me that she said that she had an awesome view of tmes square. I always wanted to go back down south to visit all of my family it Louisiana. I haven't seen my auntie Pat in over a couple of years. I haven't seen my grandpa Dave in a while either. I want to go to Hawii, so I can take scuba diveing lessons. I would at least like to go to any of those places for a winter get away I hope that you will come with me on this fun and adventures vaction. I want to go to paris so I can try the gloryous food. I like paris cause of the Eilfe tower, and the boat rides”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“For a winter get away, I would go to Mexico. I would go to Mexico because I have never been there before and I want to see what it would be like. When I go for a winter break I am going to be happy because I do not have to shovel snow. Over the next couple of days it is going to be rough. I will go with my friend Anthony. We are going by car.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“I always wanted to go back down south to visit all of my family it Louisiana. I haven't seen my auntie Pat in over a couple of years. I haven't seen my grandpa Dave in a while either. I want to go to Hawii, so I can take scuba diveing lessons.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“I would at least like to go to any of those places for a winter get away I hope that you will come with me on this fun and adventures vaction. I want to go to paris so I can try the gloryous food. I like paris cause of the Eilfe tower, and the boat rides”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Over the next couple of days it is going to be rough. I will go with my friend Anthony. We are going by car. When I get to Mexico I want to get a hot taco. Iam going to look forward to meeting the rest of Anthoy's family. I want to try new food that is a tradition in Mexico. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of an ideal winter getaway. (“I want to go to Hawii, so I can take scuba diveing lessons.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“I always wanted to go back down south to visit all of my family it Louisiana. I haven't seen my auntie Pat in over a couple of years. I haven't seen my grandpa Dave in a while either. I want to go to Hawii, so I can take scuba diveing lessons. I would at least like to go to any of those places for a winter get away I hope that you will come with me on this fun and adventures vaction. I want to go to paris so I can try the gloryous food. I like paris cause of the Eilfe tower, and the boat rides”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Parents,

My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family. By the way if you go driving to Mexico it is approximately 48 hours non stop but of course you have to stop for gas and stay in a hotel if the drivers are tired. SO that would be relaly helpful. so great.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of his/her ideal winter getaway. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family. By the way if you go driving to Mexico it is approximately 48 hours non stop but of course you have to stop for gas and stay in a hotel if the drivers are tired. SO that would be relaly helpful. so great.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family. By the way if you go driving to Mexico it is approximately 48 hours non stop but of course you have to stop for gas and stay in a hotel if the drivers are tired.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of choosing an ideal winter getaway. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“SO that would be relaly helpful. so great. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are presented in body paragraphs. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family. By the way if you go driving to Mexico it is approximately 48 hours non stop but of course you have to stop for gas and stay in a hotel if the drivers are tired. SO that would be relaly helpful. so great. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states the adventure of driving to the location. (“By the way if you go driving to Mexico it is approximately 48 hours non stop but of course you have to stop for gas and stay in a hotel if the drivers are tired ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family. By the way if you go driving to Mexico it is approximately 48 hours non stop but of course you have to stop for gas and stay in a hotel if the drivers are tired. SO that would be relaly helpful. so great.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“SO that would be relaly helpful. so great.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family. By the way if you go driving to Mexico it is approximately 48 hours non stop but of course you have to stop for gas and stay in a hotel if the drivers are tired. SO that would be relaly helpful. so great. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“SO that would be relaly helpful. so great. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“My Ideal Winter Getaway would be to go to Mexico longer than 1 month because once you're in Mexico you don't even think about coming back because you are busy having some much fun with your family. By the way if you go driving to Mexico it is approximately 48 hours non stop but of course you have to stop for gas and stay in a hotel if the drivers are tired. SO that would be relaly helpful. so great.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Illegal Immigration

There is much talk recently about illegal immigration from various countries. United States citizens and leaders appear to be largely divided on this issue. What is your position on illegal immigration? Should the government keep the U.S. borders open or closed?

After carefully reading Mario Cuomo's "Achieving the American Dream" and Emma Lazarus's "The New Colossus," write a letter to the editor of your local paper persuading the readers to agree with your position on this issue. Provide convincing arguments and specific details to support your claim. Be sure to address counterarguments and counterclaims. You may wish to conduct additional research on the topic to gather facts and statistics to further support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Please don't sing, but instead recall the last lines of our national anthem. Don't you think that phrases such as 'land of the free' and 'home of the brave' tempt the poor and helpless citizens of war-ridden and divided countries to check out this land that is so unlike theirs? For these unfortunate foreigners, America is a dream they never would have thought could ever come true, so why is there haven now closing its doors? In the past few years, our government has decided to make immigrants work harder and harder for the better beginning they yearn for until we refuse them altogether! As the daughter of and immigrant, I find this appalling and an example prejudiced thinking in our country. We must keep our borders open; it gives freedom to immigrants, keeps true to the values in the Declaration of Independence and the American Dream, and it even benefits America !

How has your day been so far? Has your house been raided or bombed before your eyes, or better yet, did you watch a friend or relative be brutally murdered as you lay cowering? Unfortunately, I may have not been describing your day, but another human being's halfway across the globe. This is an excellent example of what make America so great and why foreigners are so attracted to it; America ensures safety within our borders. I know what you're thinking: "We not that safe here either! What about the terrorists?" Although we are protection is steadily becoming a questionable topic here, our problem is nothing compared to the poverty and violence seen in our immigrant's prior home! Keeping our borders open allows people wanting out of the war and bloodshed to finally find their escape. Why should we hog the security to ourselves especially when there is so little to risk by letting immigrants in?

Years before I was born and few years before my own parents, the thought and hope of the American Dream was fresh on everyone's tongues in the 50's. Still, earlier than that, our founding fathers built our country on the idea that inside these borders we would be a free nation. After all of this talk of our great country, why are we backing away from our word now? Closing people off from the United States make us seem hypocritical and fickle to other nations. In other words, not only does resisting immigration hurt the feelings of those being resisted, but it also gives us Americans a bad reputation in the world. Who knew blocking our borders could hurt us so much?

The fact that most people who oppose opening our borders overlook is that immigrants actually help our nation! Yes, you heard me right. As illogical as it may sound, those foreigners that so many people detest and take for granted actually work ten times as hard as we do and for a rate of pay that is substantially less than what we would accept. These people want to be here and want to be loyal and aid their new country in any way, which means they labor harder than the other man or woman who has lived here since they were born. With all there extra and generous toil by giving immigrants, our economy will skyrocket to new heights. In this day and age of worldwide competitiveness, we cannot afford to give away this disadvantage.

I find this squabble about immigration a pointless discussion. There is no argument about keeping our borders open; they give freedom to immigrants, keeps true to our Declaration of Independence and our American Dream, and it even benefits America by raising our economy. The main fact that I am positive many Americans fail to see is that everyone - even Native Americans - are immigrants from somewhere or another; why should we bar people out from this country when it's not even ours?! You can do something about this: you can send a petition our president to open these borders and allow everyone to bask in our freedom. We definitely have enough to share!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade the readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. (“Don't you think that phrases such as 'land of the free' and 'home of the brave' tempt the poor and helpless citizens of war-ridden and divided countries to check out this land that is so unlike theirs?”) Indeed, the majority of the essay includes emotional and rational arguments for allowing illegal immigration. Strong opinionative statements grab readers’ attention and keep it throughout the entire essay. Essays at this level never have irrelevant information, although they may occasionally have information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the author’s own opinion. In this case, the author assumes readers are aware of the various counterarguments being presented. Instead of detailing them, the author provides counterarguments that draw heavily on emotional reactions. The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes. The number of details that support each argument is especially impressive. The writer’s conclusion is effective and leaves readers with something to think about. Essays at this level may offer a call for action. (“You can do something about this: you can send a petition our president to open these borders and allow everyone to bask in our freedom. We definitely have enough to share!”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is also used throughout. Essays at this level always use paragraphing to separate ideas. The essay’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“ Don't you think that phrases such as 'land of the free' and 'home of the brave' tempt the poor and helpless citizens of war-ridden and divided countries to check out this land that is so unlike theirs?”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“ In other words, not only does resisting immigration hurt the feelings of those being resisted, but it also gives us Americans a bad reputation in the world.”) The conclusion very effectively sums up the ideas presented in the essay and gives readers something to think about going forward. (“You can do something about this: you can send a petition our president to open these borders and allow everyone to bask in our freedom.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. In this case, the writing appeals to the readers’ emotions and sympathies to help elicit support. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ We must keep our borders open; it gives freedom to immigrants, keeps true to the values in the Declaration of Independence and the American Dream, and it even benefits America !”) The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. Essays at this level rarely have minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present never impede meaning. (“ Still, earlier than that, our founding fathers built our country on the idea that inside these borders we would be a free nation.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I believe that the government must keep the borders of America open. This country is supposed to be the land of opportunity. People from all over the world come here in search of a better life. The wall that is being built symbolizes distrust, and believe it or not, this entire mess is completely fixable. I hope that you and other readers will take this letter, read it and be inspired.

My first reason for not wanting our borders to be closed is because this is the land of opportunity. This might seem like a strange reason, but I will elaborate. People come here for various reasons from all over the world, but many come here because they are in search of a better life. They might not make much money in their old country. Their country could be under a dictatorship. There could be a national crisis. There are many reasons. These people should be free to do what they want. They should be free to make their own decisions, they should be able to afford what they want, and the pursuit of happiness should be accessible for them. If this is what they come here for, why should we shut their hopes down of living here? Think about this for a minute.

My second reason for not closing the borders is that building a wall is a metaphor for distrust. (I am specifically talking about the issue with Mexico and the United States building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico .) This wall is like the Berlin Wall. The Berlin Wall stood for the separation of capitalism and communism, and the dislike for the opposing side. This fence would be just like a Berlin Wall because it magnifies the dislike for illegal Mexican immigrants. Is any group of illegal immigrants from a certain country worse than others? Are Mexicans worse than Cubans or Canadians, or vice versa? I do not believe so. These immigrants mean no harm, so why should we treat them like poison?

Finally, this crisis of illegal immigration is completely fixable. If people are unable to afford legal immigration, then we should lower the cost if possible or reduce some of the restrictions that we currently have in place. This could help the problem the best because many cannot afford the costs involved with immigrating to the United States . If we are to keep this fence that separates the United States from Mexico , then we should make it a sort of gate where instead of guards that catch the illegal immigrants. Those guards could be immigration officials and have people sign papers of citizenship. And we could also continue our census, but also have citizens renew their citizenship papers to ensure that we know who is in our country. We can fix this crisis if we work together. United we stand, divided we fall.

As you can see, I am against having the borders of the U.S. closed to immigrants because America is supposed to be the land of opportunity, any walls of any form are a symbol of dislike, and this illegal immigration crisis is actually fixable, even though it may take a while. I hope that you will consider my letter, and that I can change your views for the better.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade the readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention early in the essay. The introduction is not particularly creative, but it is direct and clearly states the author’s position. (“ I believe that the government must keep the borders of America open. This country is supposed to be the land of opportunity. People from all over the world come here in search of a better life.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer uses minimal slang and other versions of informal language. Essays at this level never have irrelevant information, although they may occasionally have information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a counterargument. In this case the author insists that foreigners should be treated equally regardless of their country of origin. (“ Is any group of illegal immigrants from a certain country worse than others? Are Mexicans worse than Cubans or Canadians, or vice versa? I do not believe so. These immigrants mean no harm, so why should we treat them like poison?”) The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. The writer’s details are convincing. Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ The Berlin Wall stood for the separation of capitalism and communism, and the dislike for the opposing side. This fence would be just like a Berlin Wall because it magnifies the dislike for illegal Mexican immigrants.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is also a consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning that helps define that paragraph’s content. The introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ As you can see, I am against having the borders of the U.S. closed to immigrants because America is supposed to be the land of opportunity, any walls of any form are a symbol of dislike, and this illegal immigration crisis is actually fixable, even though it may take a while.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety and uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. (“ People come here for various reasons from all over the world, but many come here because they are in search of a better life.”) The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely have minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present never impede meaning. (“ These immigrants mean no harm, so why should we treat them like poison?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you think it is fair that we limit the amount of immigrants that enter the United States ? I think we should limit the amount of immigrants. For this reason, there are already over crowded cities and states, we are loosing jobs, money has to be spread more than it already is, and it's so dry and hot that we have less crops. Another issue we may overcome is less gas, we have hardly any gas and the prices are going up. Let's explore these reasons further.

First of all, remember we have lots of people in the United States . America is congregated and we don't want to end up like China . We have many people coming from place to place and having children. Consider that Gwinett County doesn't even have enough room in their local schools. For example children have to get an education in a hot trailer attached to the school; would you want your child in that sort of position? Therefore we don't need additional immigrants using our resources.

Second of all gas prices are high. Our U.S. soldiers are fighting for our rights for Iraq to send of more gas although we still have little to none. For example prices are outrageous on gas therefore if we have more people then we would have even less gas. In other words, illegal immigrants should not be allowed into the United States .

Most importantly, need to protect our community, by having a neighborhood lookout. By letting in immigrants we might let in kidnappers or run away prisoners. Many of the people are good, but some of them are not. What I am trying to say is it can cause more violence. It is said that in this century, gangs are cool to some of our young, why would we allow more people and we don't even know their background life. As a result, no child should be thinking about that type cruelty nor should adults.

Finally, I think I’m getting my point across to you that letting immigrants in is too much to settle for. We do not need any more cultivation, but we do need a safer community. We should not let in immigrants for many bad reasons. Just take a moment and think about it. Maybe you will think twice!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Although there is a limited amount of creativity in the introduction, the thesis adequately states what the author believes about the issue. (“ I think we should limit the amount of immigrants.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples. The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. He or she rarely or does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level rarely have irrelevant information, although they may occasionally have information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use some form of paragraphing to separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization. The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention by using questions and direct opinionative statements. (“ Do you think it is fair that we limit the amount of immigrants that enter the United States ? I think we should limit the amount of immigrants.”) Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. It does not give readers much else to think about, but it does provide closure for the essay. (“ Finally, I think I’m getting my point across to you that letting immigrants in is too much to settle for. We do not need any more cultivation, but we do need a safer community.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. Essays at this level occasionally have minor errors in language usage or style, but the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“ We should not let in immigrants for many bad reasons”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level have few errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present rarely impede meaning, such as poor comma usage. (“ For example children have to get an education in a hot trailer attached to the school; would you want your child in that sort of position?”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think the goverment should keep the walls up. I am going to tell you why we should keep the walls up in this letter. The first reason is because the U.S. is getting crowded or getting over populated. The next reason is some illegal immigrants work hard to stay in America , but some are not here for working, just to cuase trouble on the streets. The last reason is illegal immigrants are committing crimes to be in a better country.

The firsts reason I will talk about is over populating. If this keeps going on a lot of people will not have places to live. If people don't have a place to live, they will not have anything to eat and force to live out on the streets. Some more than most will miss out on an education.

The next reason is non working illegal immigrants cusing trouble in our country. Some are staring gangs and fighting alot. Big groups are starting riots hurting people.

The last reason is illegal immigrants committing crimes to have a better life in America . the government said they will not grant ammisty to illegal immigrants. If the cross over illegally and don't have to go back of pay a fine. Then we are rewarding them for a crossing over illegally.

I told what I think the goverment should do. I told you the country is over populating. I also told you some illegal immigrants are cusing trouble ont the streets. I told you they are committing crimes to have better life. That why we should keep the wall up.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position/thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. It demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience, but completes some parts of the task. There is an immediately noticeable lack of supporting details. There is only a small attempt made to provide readers with sufficient background information. The author’s opinion is clear, but it is only briefly explored in the first paragraph. (“I think the goverment should keep the walls up. I am going to tell you why we should keep the walls up in this letter.”) The style is highly formulaic overall. Essays at this level occasionally have irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. This particular essay has no irrelevant details, but it is very short and provides fewer details than are necessary to adequately support the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the author’s opinion. There is no attempt made to offer counterarguments. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, or short stories that explain or illustrate his or her opinion, but they are not fully explored. (“The next reason is non working illegal immigrants cusing trouble in our country. Some are staring gangs and fighting alot. Big groups are starting riots hurting people.”) The essay needs three to five supporting details in each body paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction to hook the readers. (“I think the goverment should keep the walls up.”) There is some attempt to provide transitions, but they are primitive. Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The conclusion sums up the ideas presented, but does not advance the argument any further or give readers something else to think about. (“That why we should keep the wall up.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The words the author uses are rather basic and do not promote confidence in the intellectual depth of the argument. Essays at this level contain sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they are too short and lack sophistication. Usually, this indicates a lack of variety in sentence structure. Also, essays at this level have some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. (“If the cross over illegally and don't have to go back of pay a fine. Then we are rewarding them for a crossing over illegally.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have some errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present may impede meaning. (“The next reason is non working illegal immigrants cusing trouble in our country.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that they should open the border. because I don't think any person that is not american that would think not to bring any drama from their country to america . Because i don't think these people would not want to go to jail for a couple of years. Certain people can have excellent ideas for land,products, and other stuff for america .

What if people that are tryig to cross the border are coming to get to medical or law school. Immigrants can come out here for an education and want to do something with there life they probably want to have a carer. the states tht the immigrants from mght not have the that you can't get in the united staes or the peope could come for a good and more better life.

These are my reasons why they should leave the U.S border open people would not want to jail. They came to america to get the goal that they want they have to work hard for it and start from scratch people could have ideas or can out here for an education and a better life to come into the united states .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The author does make an opinionative statement at the beginning of the essay, but it is not creative and does not attempt to draw readers in. The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. Essays at this level may or may not have irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. Much of the content is muddled in poor mechanics and conventions. Readers can infer meaning if they understand the issue being discussed, but the focus of the essay is often not clear. (“the states tht the immigrants from mght not have the that you can't get in the united staes or the peope could come for a good and more better life.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Important details (specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not have paragraphing to separate ideas. The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. There is a conclusion, but it does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“They came to america to get the goal that they want they have to work hard for it and start from scratch people could have ideas or can out here for an education and a better life to come into the united states.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. It also makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the Thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases, but only words that he or she fully understands to avoid misuse. Essays at this level often have errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. (“Because i don't think these people would not want to go to jail for a couple of years. Certain people can have excellent ideas for land,products, and other stuff for america.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present may impede meaning. (“Immigrants can come out here for an education and want to do something with there life they probably want to have a carer. the states tht the immigrants from mght not have the that you can't get in the united staes or the peope could come for a good and more better life.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

why should we have a limit in America ? My opinon is that we shoulld not have a limit in America . It is wrong that we are putting people on the streets. They will need a home so we should not have a limit. Now I will tell you some reasons why America shouldn't have a limit.

they probably want to come in America because they like are culture. They probably did not like where they were living. So they decided to ove to America . Tey can't move to America if we have a limit.

Another reasonwhy we shouldn't have a limit in America because people might want to visit America

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. Anyone who is reading this essay without the context provided in the prompt question will be very confused as to the topic being discussed. There isn’t even enough information to infer meaning until much further along in the essay. (“My opinon is that we shoulld not have a limit in America .”) Language is inappropriate for the audience. Essays at this level may have irrelevant information that does not relate to the prompt. Although this essay remains mostly on topic, it provides very little additional content.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. L ittle or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. There is one brief body paragraph that addresses possible reasons why immigrants wish to come to America, but it lacks detail. (“ They probably did not like where they were living. So they decided to ove to America . Tey can't move to America if we have a limit.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The thesis statement can be found in the introduction, but it is very unclear. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. There is no conclusion, and the essay ends abruptly. (“Another reasonwhy we shouldn't have a limit in America because people might want to visit America ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“So they decided to ove to America . Tey can't move to America if we have a limit.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present often impede meaning. (“So they decided to ove to America . Tey can't move to America if we have a limit.”)

iPods and MP3 Players at School

People everywhere use iPods and MP3 players to listen to their favorite music while jogging, studying, driving, and working. However, the use of iPods and MP3 players while in school is frequently banned. Many students feel that they should be able to listen to music at school while studying and learning, while many adults feel that listening to music during school hours distracts students and impairs their ability to learn.

Write a multi-paragraph editorial recommending a school policy for the use of iPods and MP3 players in school. Include facts and details to support your recommendation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Community,

The use of iPods and MP3 players has grown significantly throughout the years. They have been implemented into our modern culture and are used nearly everyday and everywhere. However, at school, they are forbidden to be used at all. They should be permitted at school due to numerous benefits we could take advantage of. For example, some students may find it easier to concentrate and finish their class work while listening to music. Students will also be less likely to converse with each other in class. Lastly, students may look forward to class more. Music players will greatly influence the school positively and can help students finish class work more effectively.

Studies have shown that certain types of music, such as classical, can help people concentrate with work and may actually temporarily increase their IQ. Students could also finish their class work faster and more easily with music. Thus, students will also have better work habits and will be less likely to disrupt the class. Also, their grades may improve slightly while taking tests and listening to music. Mozart's music is a great example of a type of music that can help people concentrate and finish their work more easily.

While listening to music, students will also be less likely to talk with other students and will concentrate more on work at hand. Many teachers are irritated at students who talk loudly with their friends instead of finishing their work. If students were allowed to listen to their music players instead of finishing work with no music, they would be able to concentrate less on other sounds and will be able to finish their work. How this works is that the left hemisphere of the brain is more suited to concentrating on work while the right hemisphere deals more with other sounds that might disrupt a person's focus. If music with no words were played, the right hemisphere would be occupied with the music and will not concentrate on other noises. Thus, both sides of the brain will be occupied and a person's mind will be less likely to wander.

Students will also look forward to listen to music at class and thus, look forward to class. Students who skip school will be more likely to come to school if they were to enjoy music in class. So, they will be more likely to learn at school rather than stay at home. Also, students will enjoy school more if music players were allowed. Students who are easily bored at school will be less likely to be bored if they could enjoy music.

However, some students may find it difficult to concentrate on work with music playing. Some causes of this may be that the music has too many words and is too loud, or that they simply must concentrate with complete silence. Students may also be unable to hear the teacher while they are listening to their music. In addition, the new iPhones and iTouch are not simply music players and also include a phone function and the option of playing games. Thus, some students may not concentrate on work or listen to music at all and will instead call their friends or play games. In addition, most music players are expensive and if they were to be stolen, they would be costly to refund.

It should be known that iPods and MP3 players are completely optional to bring at school, and thus those that have difficulty concentrating with their work while listening to music have the option of not listening to the music and seeing if they perform better. In addition, music players should only be allowed at certain times, such as while finishing class work, during P.E., and during break and lunch. Irresponsible students will have their music players confiscated and returned at the end of school. In addition, these students may be forbidden to bring their music players later. For the problem of theft, the school should guard backpacks more carefully in order to prevent it from occurring.

Thus, music players would be a superb addition to our school. Students would be able to concentrate on work more easily. They will also look forward to class. Lastly, students will be less likely to chat with other students while finishing work if they were permitted to listen to music. Music players should be allowed only when it is appropriate, e.g. during P.E. or while completing class work. Backpacks should also be guarded more carefully by the school. Music players would help our school immensely and will allow students to gain better grades and work habits.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the readers. Furthermore, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience and task. After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with a thesis statement. (“Music players will greatly influence the school positively and can help students finish class work more effectively.”) All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Students will also look forward to listen to music at class and thus, look forward to class. Students who skip school will be more likely to come to school if they were to enjoy music in class.”) The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“Irresponsible students will have their music players confiscated and returned at the end of school. In addition, these students may be forbidden to bring their music players later. For the problem of theft, the school should guard backpacks more carefully in order to prevent it from occurring.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments using a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, the writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“It should be known that iPods and MP3 players are completely optional to bring at school, and thus those that have difficulty concentrating with their work while listening to music have the option of not listening to the music and seeing if they perform better. In addition, music players should only be allowed at certain times, such as while finishing class work, during P.E., and during break and lunch.”) The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Studies have shown that certain types of music, such as classical, can help people concentrate with work and may actually temporarily increase their IQ.”) Finally, the writer’s details are convincing. (“Mozart's music is a great example of a type of music that can help people concentrate and finish their work more easily.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. It exhibits a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; also, effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is seen throughout. In particular, the writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“The use of iPods and MP3 players has grown significantly throughout the years. They have been implemented into our modern culture and are used nearly everyday and everywhere. However, at school, they are forbidden to be used at all.”) Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“However, some students may find it difficult to concentrate on work with music playing. . . .In addition, the new iPhones and iTouch are not simply music players and also include a phone function and the option of playing games. Thus, some students may not concentrate on work or listen to music at all and will instead call their friends or play games.”) The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Music players would help our school immensely and will allow students to gain better grades and work habits.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, he/she uses well-structured and varied sentences throughout. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Many teachers are irritated at students who talk loudly with their friends instead of finishing their work. If students were allowed to listen to their music players instead of finishing work with no music, they would be able to concentrate less on other sounds and will be able to finish their work.”) The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by combining sentences with conjunctions. (“Thus, both sides of the brain will be occupied and a person's mind will be less likely to wander.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“It should be known that iPods and MP3 players are completely optional to bring at school, and thus those that have difficulty concentrating with their work while listening to music have the option of not listening to the music and seeing if they perform better. In addition, music players should only be allowed at certain times, such as while finishing class work, during P.E., and during break and lunch. Irresponsible students will have their music players confiscated and returned at the end of school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Many teachers are irritated at students who talk loudly with their friends instead of finishing their work. If students were allowed to listen to their music players instead of finishing work with no music, they would be able to concentrate less on other sounds and will be able to finish their work. How this works is that the left hemisphere of the brain is more suited to concentrating on work while the right hemisphere deals more with other sounds that might disrupt a person's focus.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

People everywhere listen to their favorite music. Some listen to IPODS or MP3's at work, while exercising, in the car, or at school. I think that IPODS and MP3's should not be allowed at school because they're distracting, they reduce work quality and they are often stolen. IPODS are a form of entertainment which should not be allowed in the classroom. In recent years, teachers, school administrators, and parents are battling with students over the use of cell phones in class. The use of the cell phone during class leads to cheating during exams, and it robs many students of valuable learning time. Likewise, the IPOD is a distraction which, when used improperly at the wrong place and time, can lead to students who are just barely passing. This is a very important issue involved in learning and education and it should be resolved immediately.

IPODS have their place and time in our lives. If we want to work out or go jogging, using an iPod or an MP3 player would be acceptable. If we were going on a long road trip, using an iPod would be more convenient than having to change CD's. However, the classroom is no place for an iPod or any sort of electronic form of entertainment. A classroom is a learning environment, not a place for "hanging out." Strict guidelines should be placed in every grade to prevent students from using IPODS and other forms of entertainment. Grade school is the time for students to learn so that they are prepared for higher education. If they are busy listening to their music or going online on their iPods, they miss out on a valuable learning experience and they will, undoubtedly, be left behind. If we want to follow the motto: "no child to be left behind," we must first start with taking away these distractions.

We must prevent IPODS and MP3's from distracting our students and lowering work quality. IPODS and MP3's are a major form of distraction that prevents the student from being entirely focused on their school work. When the student is using their IPOD and MP3's they is taking valuable time out of their learning thus lowering their work quality. With these distractions roaming around at school students won't perform at a proficient level. We must ban all use of IPODS and MP3's because they serve more as a distraction than a helpful item to encourage learning among students. With IPODS and MP3's banned from school there still will be other distractions but, distraction level among students and school is lowered considerably.

Many students oppose against the banning of IPODS and MP3's because they say that they don't have anything to do when they're relieved from their work at school. Many also have opposed that the ban of IPODS and MP3's are taking away the right for students to relax after a long day of hard work. However, I propose a solution to all these arguments. Students who are bored at school after they are done with their work should go hang out with some friends and play some sports. Doing so also encourages friendship among students at school and athleticism. Students who are too tired after a long day of schoolwork can read a great novel or an exciting comic. There is no need for students to take out their IPODS and MP3's because once doing so they remain as a distracting addition to get away from education at school.

School is a learning environment, and strict guidelines should be placed in every grade to prevent students from using IPODS and other forms of entertainment. If they are busy listening to their music or going online on their iPods, they miss out on a valuable learning experience. When students are using their IPODS and MP3's they are taking valuable time out of their learning and lowering their work quality. IPODS and MP3'S shouldn't be allowed at school because they prevent students from achieving their highest level of education. There are many other alternatives for students who are finished completing their work during class, such as reading a novel or playing sports. Therefore, there is no need for students to use IPODS and MP3's at school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion to persuade his/her readers. The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and the writer completes most parts of the task. He/she grabs the readers’ attention by beginning the essay with an interesting fact. (“People everywhere listen to their favorite music. Some listen to IPODS or MP3's at work, while exercising, in the car, or at school.”) The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I think that IPODS and MP3's should not be allowed at school because they're distracting, they reduce work quality and they are often stolen.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“IPODS have their place and time in our lives. If we want to work out or go jogging, using an iPod or an MP3 player would be acceptable.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops arguments using specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Specifically, the writer includes interesting facts and anecdotes that illustrate his/her opinion. (“If we were going on a long road trip, using an iPod would be more convenient than having to change CD's. However, the classroom is no place for an iPod or any sort of electronic form of entertainment.”) The writer addresses readers’ concerns in different ways. (“However, I propose a solution to all these arguments. Students who are bored at school after they are done with their work should go hang out with some friends and play some sports. Doing so also encourages friendship among students at school and athleticism.”) Additionally, the writer’s details are convincing. (“School is a learning environment, and strict guidelines should be placed in every grade to prevent students from using IPODS and other forms of entertainment. If they are busy listening to their music or going online on their iPods, they miss out on a valuable learning experience.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits good organization. There is a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is also consistent use of paragraphing devices throughout. Initially, the writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“People everywhere listen to their favorite music. Some listen to IPODS or MP3's at work, while exercising, in the car, or at school. I think that IPODS and MP3's should not be allowed at school because they're distracting, they reduce work quality and they are often stolen.”) The writer uses transitions that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Many also have opposed that the ban of IPODS and MP3's are taking away the right for students to relax after a long day of hard work. However, I propose a solution to all these arguments.”) The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“There are many other alternatives for students who are finished completing their work during class, such as reading a novel or playing sports. Therefore, there is no need for students to use IPODS and MP3's at school.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, well-structured sentences with some variety are present. Specifically, the writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“School is a learning environment, and strict guidelines should be placed in every grade to prevent students from using IPODS and other forms of entertainment. If they are busy listening to their music or going online on their iPods, they miss out on a valuable learning experience.”) The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay. (“IPODS have their place and time in our lives. If we want to work out or go jogging, using an iPod or an MP3 player would be acceptable.”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“Many students oppose against the banning of IPODS and MP3's because they say that they don't have anything to do when they're relieved from their work at school. Many also have opposed that the ban of IPODS and MP3's are taking away the right for students to relax after a long day of hard work.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message. For example, sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Many also have opposed that the ban of IPODS and MP3's are taking away the right for students to relax after a long day of hard work. However, I propose a solution to all these arguments. Students who are bored at school after they are done with their work should go hang out with some friends and play some sports. Doing so also encourages friendship among students at school and athleticism. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear School Board,

The children of our generation depend a lot on modern technology to do their everyday tasks. Kids always use modern electronics to fill their time. Examples of technology that I see every day in the hands of children are iPods and MP3 players. I believe that kids should be allowed to use their iPods and MP3 players during schools hours and in classes while they work.

Most kids around our schools have said that they appreciate listening to music while they work because it keeps them focused and relaxes them so they can concentrate on what they are doing. I think that if we allow kids to bring their music to school, they will work much more diligently and concentrate more on what they are doing. Listening to music can relax them so they can stay on task and not be distracted as easily. Soft music can keep them relaxed and focused and louder more upbeat music can keep them energized and ready to work.

I personally enjoy listening to music while I am at home cleaning the house or exercising. I feel that music keeps me going throughout the day. This way, I will not become tired and lazy as quickly. If Smithville Middle School allows kids to have their iPods and MP3 players during our physical education classes, we can stay more active and energized while we are run running and doing exercises. Listening to music could help kids do better in school. It will make us want to do the work so we wont feel as if we are being loaded with work we don't want to do.

Someone might say that listening to music while kids work is to distracting to the students and to the students around them. This should not happen because if he music does turn out to be a problem with a student, the teacher should be allowed to prohibit that student from listening to music, but one student's mistake shouldn't affect everyone else's hard work and studying. Someone with an opposing view on this subject might also say that electronics could get broken or stolen. These things can get broken or stolen anywhere and if the kids don't want to risk this happening then they won't be forced to bring their belongings to school. In addition, the students will have their iPods with them throughout the day, listening to them and using them, so there is a less likely chance that they will get stolen.

In conclusion, I believe that if our school allowed the students to bring their iPods and MP3 players to school that they will possibly work harder and stay more focused on their work. Whether it's classical or rock n' roll, the different students at our school will enjoy school much more and they will be more willing to stay on task while they are in the zone of their work with music in their ears.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers; furthermore, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Specifically, the writer adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I believe that kids should be allowed to use their iPods and MP3 players during schools hours and in classes while they work.”) Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I think that if we allow kids to bring their music to school, they will work much more diligently and concentrate more on what they are doing.”) The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. (“If Smithville Middle School allows kids to have their iPods and MP3 players during our physical education classes, we can stay more active and energized while we are run running and doing exercises.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. The writer also adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, the writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Someone with an opposing view on this subject might also say that electronics could get broken or stolen. These things can get broken or stolen anywhere and if the kids don't want to risk this happening then they won't be forced to bring their belongings to school.”) The writer includes some examples that illustrate his/her opinion. (“I personally enjoy listening to music while I am at home cleaning the house or exercising. I feel that music keeps me going throughout the day.”) Furthermore, most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Listening to music can relax them so they can stay on task and not be distracted as easily. Soft music can keep them relaxed and focused and louder more upbeat music can keep them energized and ready to work.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. It exhibits a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; also, there is evidence of transitional and paragraphing devices. Initially, the writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“The children of our generation depend a lot on modern technology to do their everyday tasks. Kids always use modern electronics to fill their time.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“I personally enjoy listening to music while I am at home cleaning the house or exercising. I feel that music keeps me going throughout the day. This way, I will not become tired and lazy as quickly.”) The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“In conclusion, I believe that if our school allowed the students to bring their iPods and MP3 players to school that they will possibly work harder and stay more focused on their work.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; he/she generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“If Smithville Middle School allows kids to have their iPods and MP3 players during our physical education classes, we can stay more active and energized while we are run running and doing exercises. Listening to music could help kids do better in school.”) However, word choice and sentence structure are sometimes poor. (“It will make us want to do the work so we wont feel as if we are being loaded with work we don't want to do.”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“Someone with an opposing view on this subject might also say that electronics could get broken or stolen. These things can get broken or stolen anywhere and if the kids don't want to risk this happening then they won't be forced to bring their belongings to school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ I personally enjoy listening to music while I am at home cleaning the house or exercising. I feel that music keeps me going throughout the day. This way, I will not become tired and lazy as quickly. If Smithville Middle School allows kids to have their iPods and MP3 players during our physical education classes, we can stay more active and energized while we are run running and doing exercises. Listening to music could help kids do better in school.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people love to listen to iPods, but are not good for your ears. My friend had listen to iPod, so now his right ear can't listen very well, but his left ear is good. When people talks to my friend, they have to talk to his left ear, not the right ear. He tries to go to the doctor, but the doctor said is no use. You have listened to too much iPod. I believe that ipods should not allow in school.

First, listen too much music is not good for your ears. Some parent think if they put the volume lower then is going to be good, but is not. No matter how low you put, if you listen too much is still going to affect your ear. Some students hide their iPod anywhere in their clothe, and they listen for the whole period, without the teacher seeing it. If they do that everyday their ears will be injured. Maybe they put one earphone on the right ear, and then a long time their right ear won't work as well. If is right ear, then their left ear won't work well.

Second, listen too much music will make you don't want to work, and don't want to do homework. Students like to listen to music, while they are writing essay or doing math at home. Is not good, because some student will lie to their parent. They said that they finished their homework, but is not true. Writing an essay while listen to music is not good at all, you can't think what to write, because you love music so much.

However, the parent doesn't really mind their child to listen to music, but if their child has the same problem as my friend, and then they won't be very happy. Many students wanted the schools to allowed music, but they don't know that they will get a bad grade. IPods affect a student too much. Many students said they can listen to their iPods during running, but still some student will hide their iPod, or they will forget to take it off after the pe class.

Their ears and grade will really affect problems if they bring IPods to school, or listen it all the time. I feel that schools should not allow students to bring iPod.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position. The writer does not attempt to adequately address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer does, however, include some explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Students like to listen to music, while they are writing essay or doing math at home. Is not good, because some student will lie to their parent. They said that they finished their homework, but is not true.”) However, the explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Writing an essay while listen to music is not good at all, you can't think what to write, because you love music so much.”) The essay needs details that are clear and specific. (“However, the parent doesn't really mind their child to listen to music, but if their child has the same problem as my friend, and then they won't be very happy. Many students wanted the schools to allowed music, but they don't know that they will get a bad grade.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; the essay also lacks paragraphing devices. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“Many people love to listen to iPods, but are not good for your ears. My friend had listen to iPod, so now his right ear can't listen very well, but his left ear is good. When people talks to my friend, they have to talk to his left ear, not the right ear.”) The limited use of transitional devices may not lead readers to a logical conclusion. (“First, listen too much music is not good for your ears. Some parent think if they put the volume lower then is going to be good, but is not. No matter how low you put, if you listen too much is still going to affect your ear.”) The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Their ears and grade will really affect problems if they bring IPods to school, or listen it all the time. I feel that schools should not allow students to bring iPod.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay exhibits simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, the essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“He tries to go to the doctor, but the doctor said is no use. You have listened to too much iPod. I believe that ipods should not allow in school.”) Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“Many students wanted the schools to allowed music, but they don't know that they will get a bad grade. IPods affect a student too much.”) There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“First, listen too much music is not good for your ears. Some parent think if they put the volume lower then is going to be good, but is not. No matter how low you put, if you listen too much is still going to affect your ear.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates a limited control of conventions and mechanics. It contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence contains a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“Second, listen too much music will make you don't want to work, and don't want to do homework. Students like to listen to music, while they are writing essay or doing math at home. Is not good, because some student will lie to their parent. They said that they finished their homework, but is not true.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

ipods and Mp3 players should be allowed at school because it can motivate and bring the spirits up to people who are down. Another reason schools should allow these music players is that it can help relax those kids who are stressing way too much. The advantages of music pplayers are: can pump you up and get ready for a test at school, and all the lonely or private people who choose not to have friends can listen to music and brighten their mood. Everybody has different music tastes and to keep from bullying or fighting earphones or headphones are required. The boundaries and limits to where you can listen to your music is not defined by the teachers, the rules are simply that you cannot listen to music in class or in between classes, you can only listen to them at break, lunch for it is your time that you are spending. In physical education music is allowed, but only for the running excercises, an example might be for running the mile, because the msic can help motivate you to thrive and complete in first, or challenge you to get a better time than your previous one you are not allowed to play your music loud enough that others can hear, and that you must be respectful, you are only allowed to have ONE earphone in ONE ear so you can tell if someone wants to talk to you or wants your attention for whatever reason. You must also take your earphone off if a teacher is talking to you. These are all the advabtages to ipods and Mp3 players at school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion and demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes few parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ipods and Mp3 players should be allowed at school because it can motivate and bring the spirits up to people who are down. Another reason schools should allow these music players is that it can help relax those kids who are stressing way too much.”) The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“The advantages of music pplayers are: can pump you up and get ready for a test at school, and all the lonely or private people who choose not to have friends can listen to music and brighten their mood.”) The essay lacks awareness of audience by including versions of informal language. (“…you are only allowed to have ONE earphone in ONE ear so you can tell if someone wants to talk to you or wants your attention for whatever reason.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position. The writer should consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, there is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“The boundaries and limits to where you can listen to your music is not defined by the teachers, the rules are simply that you cannot listen to music in class or in between classes, you can only listen to them at break, lunch for it is your time that you are spending.”) Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the evidence provided. (“In physical education music is allowed, but only for the running excercises, an example might be for running the mile, because the msic can help motivate you to thrive and complete in first....”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“You must also take your earphone off if a teacher is talking to you. These are all the advabtages to ipods and Mp3 players at school.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. The essay exhibits little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; moreover, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ipods and Mp3 players should be allowed at school because it can motivate and bring the spirits up to people who are down.”) The essay does not contain effective supporting paragraphs. (“Another reason schools should allow these music players is that it can help relax those kids who are stressing way too much. The advantages of music pplayers are: can pump you up and get ready for a test at school, and all the lonely or private people who choose not to have friends can listen to music and brighten their mood.”) The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“You must also take your earphone off if a teacher is talking to you. These are all the advabtages to ipods and Mp3 players at school.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates minimal language use and style. The writer uses poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. In addition, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Specifically, the essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“ipods and Mp3 players should be allowed at school because it can motivate and bring the spirits up to people who are down. Another reason schools should allow these music players is that it can help relax those kids who are stressing way too much.”) Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“In physical education music is allowed, but only for the running excercises, an example might be for running the mile, because the msic can help motivate you to thrive and complete in first, or challenge you to get a better time than your previous one you are not allowed to play your music loud enough that others can hear, and that you must be respectful….”) The variety of sentences in the essay is minimal. (“You must also take your earphone off if a teacher is talking to you. These are all the advabtages to ipods and Mp3 players at school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, or follow capitalization conventions. (“In physical education music is allowed, but only for the running excercises, an example might be for running the mile, because the msic can help motivate you to thrive and complete in first, or challenge you to get a better time than your previous one you are not allowed to play your music loud enough that others can hear, and that you must be respectful, you are only allowed to have ONE earphone in ONE ear so you can tell if someone wants to talk to you or wants your attention for whatever reason.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine you just sitting in a chair doing nothing but just doing your work minding your own buisness, and your listening to your favorite song at the exact same time. Now wouldn't that be nice just do your own work and just listen to some music while your at it. But if only we were allowed to bring our own personal ipods,mp3 players , etc to school. Well just hopefully one day that will change for all of us someday.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position and little effort is made to persuade his/her readers. The writer completes few or no parts of the task. In particular, the essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue and lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Imagine you just sitting in a chair doing nothing but just doing your work minding your own buisness, and your listening to your favorite song at the exact same time. Now wouldn't that be nice just do your own work and just listen to some music while your at it. But if only we were allowed to bring our own personal ipods,mp3 players , etc to school. Well just hopefully one day that will change for all of us someday.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer makes little or no attempt to use details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. Likewise, there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included or developed as support for the argument. (“Imagine you just sitting in a chair doing nothing but just doing your work minding your own buisness, and your listening to your favorite song at the exact same time. Now wouldn't that be nice just do your own work and just listen to some music while your at it. But if only we were allowed to bring our own personal ipods,mp3 players , etc to school. Well just hopefully one day that will change for all of us someday.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay contains no evidence of structure and no introduction or conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices within the essay. Specifically, the essay does not contain an effective introduction, effective supporting paragraphs, or a strong conclusion. (“Imagine you just sitting in a chair doing nothing but just doing your work minding your own buisness, and your listening to your favorite song at the exact same time. Now wouldn't that be nice just do your own work and just listen to some music while your at it. But if only we were allowed to bring our own personal ipods,mp3 players , etc to school. Well just hopefully one day that will change for all of us someday.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no awareness of audience. The essay also contains major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Also, sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Imagine you just sitting in a chair doing nothing but just doing your work minding your own buisness, and your listening to your favorite song at the exact same time. Now wouldn't that be nice just do your own work and just listen to some music while your at it. But if only we were allowed to bring our own personal ipods,mp3 players , etc to school. Well just hopefully one day that will change for all of us someday.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. In particular, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent new paragraphs, and follow capitalization conventions. (“Imagine you just sitting in a chair doing nothing but just doing your work minding your own buisness, and your listening to your favorite song at the exact same time. Now wouldn't that be nice just do your own work and just listen to some music while your at it. But if only we were allowed to bring our own personal ipods,mp3 players , etc to school. Well just hopefully one day that will change for all of us someday.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

An old proverb says honesty is the best policy. Sometimes, however, honesty might hurt a person's feelings. Explain why you either agree or disagree with being honest at all times.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Everyone has their own, unique character. Some people's character consists of honesty, integrity, and responsibility. All of these traits describe qualities of an admirable, trustworthy person. Not everyone is like this though. A lot of people lie, cheat, and break their word. These people probably know what the right thing to do is, but they just do not do it. Sometimes it can be hard to be honest, but that should not stop you from telling the truth.

Even though honesty is the best policy, you should not always tell the truth! Honesty is a good thing, except sometimes it can be offensive, hurtful, rude, and mean. Some people cannot handle the truth. Literally meaning that the truth will make them angry, depressed, and sad. Not everyone takes honesty the same way. Being honest is good for telling the truth if you stole anything or did something you were not supposed to. If you, for example, told someone they were annoying and mean, they would probably become depressed and angry. Their reaction could include yelling at you, or they might not talk to anyone and exclude themselves from activities. In other words you should not always be honest because it might harm someone else. You might not realize that it is offensive until you have already said it.

In my life I have been faced with many times where I have had to choose between telling the truth and lying. Most of the time I have chosen to tell the truth, but sometimes I have decided to lie. Whether it was to help a friend, be kind, or not to get in trouble, I have lied in my life. I do admit that I have lied, but that does not mean that I am a bad person. Everyone occasionally lies, whether it is a lot or a little. Sometimes I want to be able to take it back, but other times do not. As I said, I have lied not to get into trouble, but that does not mean that I have not been honest and still got in trouble. Almost all the time I have gotten into trouble by telling the truth was because of doing things, I was not supposed to.

An honest person has multiple characteristics. One trait an honest person has is responsibility. Any responsible person can always be trusted and almost never breaks their word. You would be able to count on them, and they would do what they say. Responsibility is sometimes a needed characteristic when trying to get a job or even just trying to make someone like you. Trust is another characteristic of an honest person. Trust allows you to be able to believe what someone says. Being able to trust someone to do something is very important. Just because a person is likable, does not always mean they are honest. A person can always seem like a kind person on the outside, but on the inside they can be the cruelest person. You can never know how honest a person is until you get to know them. Once you get to know them, they will eventually show you who they truly are. This can sometimes be surprising, but everyone is different in some way. That is why you can never be sure you can truly trust someone.

Dishonest people are exactly the opposite of honest people. In the current world we live in, many people are dishonest. Some people may say being dishonest is fine, but I disagree. The people who are dishonest are usually irresponsible, they lie, are mean, abusive, and do not follow up on their word. People like this end up hanging around other people with the same traits because those people are the only ones that can relate. Job opportunities often dwindle for those who are dishonest because they will find that bosses like people who are honest. They might initially get a good job, but once they lie or do not do what they say, they will lose their job. This restricts dishonest people to bad jobs with not the best bosses. All you have to be is honest in life, and you will be rewarded.

Honesty is always the best policy, except when it offends someone. You might not intend it to be mean, but the people who were offended might not feel the same way. There are two people in life, honest and dishonest people. They are similar in the way that they are opposites of each other. A dishonest person will not get far in life. However, honest people will always be rewarded in some way. In conclusion, honesty is good, but should not be over used.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Everyone has their own, unique character. Some people's character consists of honesty, integrity, and responsibility. All of these traits describe qualities of an admirable, trustworthy person. Not everyone is like this though. A lot of people lie, cheat, and break their word. These people probably know what the right thing to do is, but they just do not do it. Sometimes it can be hard to be honest, but that should not stop you from telling the truth.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Being honest is good for telling the truth if you stole anything or did something you were not supposed to. If you, for example, told someone they were annoying and mean, they would probably become depressed and angry. Their reaction could include yelling at you, or they might not talk to anyone and exclude themselves from activities. In other words you should not always be honest because it might harm someone else. You might not realize that it is offensive until you have already said it.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that it is important to be honest unless it hurts other people. (“Even though honesty is the best policy, you should not always tell the truth! Honesty is a good thing, except sometimes it can be offensive, hurtful, rude, and mean. Some people cannot handle the truth. Literally meaning that the truth will make them angry, depressed, and sad. Not everyone takes honesty the same way.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops his/her arguments by u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of always being honest. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion on being honest at all times . (“Dishonest people are exactly the opposite of honest people. In the current world we live in, many people are dishonest. Some people may say being dishonest is fine, but I disagree. The people who are dishonest are usually irresponsible, they lie, are mean, abusive, and do not follow up on their word. People like this end up hanging around other people with the same traits because those people are the only ones that can relate. Job opportunities often dwindle for those who are dishonest because they will find that bosses like people who are honest. They might initially get a good job, but once they lie or do not do what they say, they will lose their job. This restricts dishonest people to bad jobs with not the best bosses. All you have to be is honest in life, and you will be rewarded.”)

The writer includes some personal anecdotes that effectively explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“In my life I have been faced with many times where I have had to choose between telling the truth and lying. Most of the time I have chosen to tell the truth, but sometimes I have decided to lie. Whether it was to help a friend, be kind, or not to get in trouble, I have lied in my life. I do admit that I have lied, but that does not mean that I am a bad person. Everyone occasionally lies, whether it is a lot or a little. Sometimes I want to be able to take it back, but other times do not. As I said, I have lied not to get into trouble, but that does not mean that I have not been honest and still got in trouble. Almost all the time I have gotten into trouble by telling the truth was because of doing things, I was not supposed to.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“An honest person has multiple characteristics. One trait an honest person has is responsibility. Any responsible person can always be trusted and almost never breaks their word. You would be able to count on them, and they would do what they say. Responsibility is sometimes a needed characteristic when trying to get a job or even just trying to make someone like you. Trust is another characteristic of an honest person. Trust allows you to be able to believe what someone says. Being able to trust someone to do something is very important.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Everyone has their own, unique character. Some people's character consists of honesty, integrity, and responsibility. All of these traits describe qualities of an admirable, trustworthy person. Not everyone is like this though. A lot of people lie, cheat, and break their word. These people probably know what the right thing to do is, but they just do not do it. Sometimes it can be hard to be honest, but that should not stop you from telling the truth.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “but,” “whether,” and “in conclusion,” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Most of the time I have chosen to tell the truth, but sometimes I have decided to lie. Whether it was to help a friend, be kind, or not to get in trouble, I have lied in my life. I do admit that I have lied, but that does not mean that I am a bad person.”)

The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“Honesty is always the best policy, except when it offends someone. You might not intend it to be mean, but the people who were offended might not feel the same way. There are two people in life, honest and dishonest people. They are similar in the way that they are opposites of each other. A dishonest person will not get far in life. However, honest people will always be rewarded in some way. In conclusion, honesty is good, but should not be over used.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“The people who are dishonest are usually irresponsible, they lie, are mean, abusive, and do not follow up on their word. People like this end up hanging around other people with the same traits because those people are the only ones that can relate. Job opportunities often dwindle for those who are dishonest because they will find that bosses like people who are honest. They might initially get a good job, but once they lie or do not do what they say, they will lose their job. This restricts dishonest people to bad jobs with not the best bosses. All you have to be is honest in life, and you will be rewarded.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Even though honesty is the best policy, you should not always tell the truth! Honesty is a good thing, except sometimes it can be offensive, hurtful, rude, and mean. Some people cannot handle the truth. Literally meaning that the truth will make them angry, depressed, and sad. Not everyone takes honesty the same way.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Just because a person is likable, does not always mean they are honest. A person can always seem like a kind person on the outside, but on the inside they can be the cruelest person. You can never know how honest a person is until you get to know them. Once you get to know them, they will eventually show you who they truly are. This can sometimes be surprising, but everyone is different in some way. That is why you can never be sure you can truly trust someone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“Everyone has their own, unique character. Some people's character consists of honesty, integrity, and responsibility. All of these traits describe qualities of an admirable, trustworthy person. Not everyone is like this though. A lot of people lie, cheat, and break their word. These people probably know what the right thing to do is, but they just do not do it. Sometimes it can be hard to be honest, but that should not stop you from telling the truth.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Many people refer to honesty as the best policy. Others may say it is not the best policy. They would argue that the truth can sometimes hurt people. Maybe you need to evaluate the situation and decide if telling the truth is the best way to proceed. I believe in always telling the truth.

Honesty means something different to everyone. Honesty to me means to tell things as they really are. In other words you should not lie. Lying can end up in hurt feelings and sometimes even crushed dreams. So in other words lying can never in end in a positive way. On the other hand, telling the truth can sometimes end up not so well. Sometimes the truth can hurt and result in the loss of friendships and other things. I, firmly believe that by always telling the truth, good things will happen. Maybe feelings will be hurt and friendships or possessions lost but in the end I will have a clear conscience. Perhaps with being honest about things, feelings, and situations can change making it possible for friendships to be restored.

Many people may ask themselves why do I have to be honest to both myself and others? Lying to ourselves can help boost yourself confidence, but you do not want to lie to yourself to much. We could start to think we can do the impossible. Lying to ourselves can also cause life altering damage that can not be undone. Being honest to others is a whole different story. When talking to others we should always tell the truth as kindly as possible to avoid hurting their feelings. Simple lies like, "I like your new sweater!", may seem innocent, but what if the person really believes you and wears the sweater to a party and is picked on? You were just trying not too hurt someone's feelings but in the end caused them to hurt more by not just telling them the truth in the first place.

Teenagers should be just as honest at home as in public. A rule most teenagers should have is to respect your elders. Teenagers, however, tend to try to test their limits and this rule. This can be very disrespectful. Honesty at home helps your parents determined if you are trustworthy and dependable. Most parents trust their children to be honest, and when the child lies parents loose trust. It is a parents job to raise and protect their children, but this is not an easy task if the children lie. Trust is not an easy thing to get back after you have lost it. Being honest is a good choice.

There are many people these days that are not very honest. Some people just do not care but others try to find more ways to be honest. There are a few questions you can ask yourself to help you decide if honesty is the way to go. A question you might ask yourself; Is it the absolute truth? Do you know for certain? Many people will spread lies as the truth. Another thing you should ask yourself; Is it hurtful? The truth can hurt, but we have to be honest. In the end hurt will go away, but if your lies cause permanent damage to something or someone it can not be undone.

In conclusion, being honest all the time is a hard thing to do. It may not always get your what you want or take you exactly where you want to go, but it will help to shape you into an honest person. An honest person will be respected and trusted by others and in return will have more opportunities to succeed. Life can be hard, why make it harder with lies? Honesty is always the best policy!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer successfully demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Honesty means something different to everyone. Honesty to me means to tell things as they really are. In other words you should not lie. Lying can end up in hurt feelings and sometimes even crushed dreams. So in other words lying can never in end in a positive way. On the other hand, telling the truth can sometimes end up not so well. Sometimes the truth can hurt and result in the loss of friendships and other things. I, firmly believe that by always telling the truth, good things will happen. Maybe feelings will be hurt and friendships or possessions lost but in the end I will have a clear conscience. Perhaps with being honest about things, feelings, and situations can change making it possible for friendships to be restored. ”)

The writer’s thesis/controlling idea states what he/she believes about always being honest . (“Many people refer to honesty as the best policy. Others may say it is not the best policy. They would argue that the truth can sometimes hurt people. Maybe you need to evaluate the situation and decide if telling the truth is the best way to proceed. I believe in always telling the truth.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Teenagers should be just as honest at home as in public. A rule most teenagers should have is to respect your elders. Teenagers, however, tend to try to test their limits and this rule. This can be very disrespectful. Honesty at home helps your parents determined if you are trustworthy and dependable. Most parents trust their children to be honest, and when the child lies parents loose trust. It is a parents job to raise and protect their children, but this is not an easy task if the children lie. Trust is not an easy thing to get back after you have lost it. Being honest is a good choice. ”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses the readers' concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on always being honest. (“Many people refer to honesty as the best policy. Others may say it is not the best policy. They would argue that the truth can sometimes hurt people. Maybe you need to evaluate the situation and decide if telling the truth is the best way to proceed. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to effectively argue the stated position. (“Teenagers should be just as honest at home as in public. A rule most teenagers should have is to respect your elders. Teenagers, however, tend to try to test their limits and this rule. This can be very disrespectful. Honesty at home helps your parents determined if you are trustworthy and dependable. Most parents trust their children to be honest, and when the child lies parents loose trust. It is a parents job to raise and protect their children, but this is not an easy task if the children lie. Trust is not an easy thing to get back after you have lost it. Being honest is a good choice. ”)

The details of the essay explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Many people may ask themselves why do I have to be honest to both myself and others? Lying to ourselves can help boost yourself confidence, but you do not want to lie to yourself to much. We could start to think we can do the impossible. Lying to ourselves can also cause life altering damage that can not be undone. Being honest to others is a whole different story. When talking to others we should always tell the truth as kindly as possible to avoid hurting their feelings. Simple lies like, ‘I like your new sweater!’, may seem innocent, but what if the person really believes you and wears the sweater to a party and is picked on? You were just trying not too hurt someone's feelings but in the end caused them to hurt more by not just telling them the truth in the first place. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Many people refer to honesty as the best policy. Others may say it is not the best policy. They would argue that the truth can sometimes hurt people. Maybe you need to evaluate the situation and decide if telling the truth is the best way to proceed. I believe in always telling the truth.”)

Transitions help to show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“So in other words lying can never in end in a positive way. On the other hand, telling the truth can sometimes end up not so well. Sometimes the truth can hurt and result in the loss of friendships and other things. I, firmly believe that by always telling the truth, good things will happen. Maybe feelings will be hurt and friendships or possessions lost but in the end I will have a clear conscience. ”)

The writer’s conclusion summarizes his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, being honest all the time is a hard thing to do. It may not always get you what you want or take you exactly where you want to go, but it will help to shape you into an honest person. An honest person will be respected and trusted by others and in return will have more opportunities to succeed. Life can be hard, why make it harder with lies? Honesty is always the best policy! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to effectively argue his/her position on honesty. (“Teenagers should be just as honest at home as in public. A rule most teenagers should have is to respect your elders. Teenagers, however, tend to try to test their limits and this rule. This can be very disrespectful. Honesty at home helps your parents determined if you are trustworthy and dependable. Most parents trust their children to be honest, and when the child lies parents loose trust. It is a parents job to raise and protect their children, but this is not an easy task if the children lie. Trust is not an easy thing to get back after you have lost it. Being honest is a good choice. ”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Many people may ask themselves why do I have to be honest to both myself and others? Lying to ourselves can help boost yourself confidence, but you do not want to lie to yourself to much. We could start to think we can do the impossible. Lying to ourselves can also cause life altering damage that can not be undone. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Being honest to others is a whole different story. When talking to others we should always tell the truth as kindly as possible to avoid hurting their feelings. Simple lies like, ‘I like your new sweater!’, may seem innocent, but what if the person really believes you and wears the sweater to a party and is picked on? You were just trying not too hurt someone's feelings but in the end caused them to hurt more by not just telling them the truth in the first place. ”) The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“In conclusion, being honest all the time is a hard thing to do. It may not always get you what you want or take you exactly where you want to go, but it will help to shape you into an honest person. An honest person will be respected and trusted by others and in return will have more opportunities to succeed. Life can be hard, why make it harder with lies? Honesty is always the best policy! ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

From the time we are little to the time we grow up we are taught to be honest. Some carry on this regulation and some go on putting honesty last. Honesty can be necessary in some situations, in others it cannot. Some practice honesty as their number one priority, as if it was a religion. Some practice lying, not knowing what they are getting into or figuring that lying will not have a consequence. From my personal experiences, I feel as if honesty is and should be a policy in our daily lives.

To me, honesty builds character by creating a foundation on trust. For example, if you are always honest, honesty becomes your brand so to speak. People come back to their favorite brand or identity because they recognize and trust that brand. In other word's honesty is a sign of maturity. Maturity towards concurring a matter with reasonable thought and disclaims, shows that you are obviously telling the truth and you are obviously honest. In reference to being honest, by expecting to take the fault for something you did builds up your personality and your honesty towards arduous situations.

In my opinion, there has to be two different sides to a situation for there to be lying from one individual, and honesty from another. There are many issues that could occur with a problem that needed an answer such as telling the truth or even a lie. For little kids the argument could be over whom actual won the race and, who actual did not. For older kids the problem could be one person was using the computer to long or one person was using the other persons shampoo. Honesty never really changes through growing up. We all have to realize that lying sometimes does not mean to happen it sometimes slips out without us knowing, or without us even caring. We get taller and we get older but honesty still plants in every individual's brain.

As, the years have gone by no one seems to have forgotten about lying. From my perspective and my reasoning, I believe that if we did not have lying that there would be much less wars happening and arguments that are not needed in civilization today. Honesty is and will always be the number one priority in our social civil lives. We have to learn to obey the life issues that might tackle us down. In conclusion, honesty is the bridge we build between individuals and groups that allows us to function in a civil way. Without honesty, distrust and paranoia the fiber or society slowly breaks down.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement that honesty is the best policy and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. The writer satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about always being honest. (“From my personal experiences, I feel as if honesty is and should be a policy in our daily lives.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“To me, honesty builds character by creating a foundation on trust. For example, if you are always honest, honesty becomes your brand so to speak. People come back to their favorite brand or identity because they recognize and trust that brand. In other word's honesty is a sign of maturity.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. The writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“In my opinion, there has to be two different sides to a situation for there to be lying from one individual, and honesty from another. There are many issues that could occur with a problem that needed an answer such as telling the truth or even a lie. For little kids the argument could be over whom actual won the race and, who actual did not. For older kids the problem could be one person was using the computer to long or one person was using the other persons shampoo.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support his/her stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the writer's argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for being honest all of the time. (“Honesty never really changes through growing up. We all have to realize that lying sometimes does not mean to happen it sometimes slips out without us knowing, or without us even caring. We get taller and we get older but honesty still plants in every individual's brain.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“To me, honesty builds character by creating a foundation on trust. For example, if you are always honest, honesty becomes your brand so to speak. People come back to their favorite brand or identity because they recognize and trust that brand. In other word's honesty is a sign of maturity. Maturity towards concurring a matter with reasonable thought and disclaims, shows that you are obviously telling the truth and you are obviously honest. In reference to being honest, by expecting to take the fault for something you did builds up your personality and your honesty towards arduous situations.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on always being honest. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer could integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some practice honesty as their number one priority, as if it was a religion. Some practice lying, not knowing what they are getting into or figuring that lying will not have a consequence. From my personal experiences, I feel as if honesty is and should be a policy in our daily lives.”)

Organization

The essay's introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“From the time we are little to the time we grow up we are taught to be honest. Some carry on this regulation and some go on putting honesty last. Honesty can be necessary in some situations, in others it cannot. Some practice honesty as their number one priority, as if it was a religion. Some practice lying, not knowing what they are getting into or figuring that lying will not have a consequence. From my personal experiences, I feel as if honesty is and should be a policy in our daily lives.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to me,” “in other words,” and “for example,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“To me, honesty builds character by creating a foundation on trust. For example, if you are always honest, honesty becomes your brand so to speak. People come back to their favorite brand or identity because they recognize and trust that brand. In other word's honesty is a sign of maturity.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion adequately summarizes the writer's argument. (“As, the years have gone by no one seems to have forgotten about lying. From my perspective and my reasoning, I believe that if we did not have lying that there would be much less wars happening and arguments that are not needed in civilization today. In conclusion, honesty is and will always be the number one priority in our social civil lives. We have to learn to obey the life issues that might tackle us down. Honesty is the bridge we build between individuals and groups that allows us to function in a civil way. Without honesty, distrust and paranoia the fiber or society slowly breaks down.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and adequate control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“In other word's honesty is a sign of maturity. Maturity towards concurring a matter with reasonable thought and disclaims, shows that you are obviously telling the truth and you are obviously honest. In reference to being honest, by expecting to take the fault for something you did builds up your personality and your honesty towards arduous situations.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“To me, honesty builds character by creating a foundation on trust. For example, if you are always honest, honesty becomes your brand so to speak. People come back to their favorite brand or identity because they recognize and trust that brand.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of his/her arguments in the essay. (“In my opinion, there has to be two different sides to a situation for there to be lying from one individual, and honesty from another. There are many issues that could occur with a problem that needed an answer such as telling the truth or even a lie. For little kids the argument could be over whom actual won the race and, who actual did not. For older kids the problem could be one person was using the computer to long or one person was using the other persons shampoo. Honesty never really changes through growing up. We all have to realize that lying sometimes does not mean to happen it sometimes slips out without us knowing, or without us even caring. We get taller and we get older but honesty still plants in every individual's brain.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“Honesty is and will always be the number one priority in our social civil lives. We have to learn to obey the life issues that might tackle us down. In conclusion, honesty is the bridge we build between individuals and groups that allows us to function in a civil way. Without honesty, distrust and paranoia the fiber or society slowly breaks down.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Some people believe that it is always better to be honest. But others believe that some times is better hide a little bit the truth. However depends of the situation. Tell the whole truth all time can hurt someone's feelings, and you can be mean unconsciously. Because of that is better in some situations don't tell everything that you think that is right.

For example, when someone win a gift and didn't liked it, it is better say for the person who gives that is a cool present in order not to hurt his feelings.

Another example is when you think that the best friend of your husband or wife is boring, is better don't say it, because him or her might get mad with you.

However when you see someone hurt another person, of course is better say the truth. Or when you see someone stealing something also is better say the truth. All of these causes show that different situations ask for different acts.

Concluding, some times it is better not tell all the truth but some times it is better be completely honest. This will depend of the case. It is necessary that the people think about before say something, and how could affect the other one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis for the argument of always being honest, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in terms of arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ Tell the whole truth all time can hurt someone's feelings, and you can be mean unconsciously. Because of that is better in some situations don't tell everything that you think that is right. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“For example, when someone win a gift and didn't liked it, it is better say for the person who gives that is a cool present in order not to hurt his feelings. ”)

The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince them of his/her point of view. (“ Another example is when you think that the best friend of your husband or wife is boring, is better don't say it, because him or her might get mad with you. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against always being honest. The writer attempts to address readers' opposing viewpoints or counterarguments but does not integrate them into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“Some people believe that it is always better to be honest. But others believe that some times is better hide a little bit the truth. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. (“Another example is when you think that the best friend of your husband or wife is boring, is better don't say it, because him or her might get mad with you. ”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for why it is not important to always be honest, it does not provide effective support .

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for why there are times when it is important to be honest, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“ However when you see someone hurt another person, of course is better say the truth. Or when you see someone stealing something also is better say the truth. All of these causes show that different situations ask for different acts. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and the use of paragraphing. However, the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting statement. (“ Some people believe that it is always better to be honest. But others believe that some times is better hide a little bit the truth. However depends of the situation. Tell the whole truth all time can hurt someone's feelings, and you can be mean unconsciously. Because of that is better in some situations don't tell everything that you think that is right.” )

Transitions are inadequately included within paragraphs and between sentences. (“For example, when someone win a gift and didn't liked it, it is better say for the person who gives that is a cool present in order not to hurt his feelings. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover effective transitions.

The writer does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate his/her arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell the readers what to do next. (“Concluding, some times it is better not tell all the truth but some times it is better be completely honest. This will depend of the case. It is necessary that the people think about before say something, and how could affect the other one.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive or persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Tell the whole truth all time can hurt someone's feelings, and you can be mean unconsciously. Because of that is better in some situations don't tell everything that you think that is right. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas are not focused, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive. (“However when you see someone hurt another person, of course is better say the truth. Or when you see someone stealing something also is better say the truth. All of these causes show that different situations ask for different acts. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. (“Some people believe that it is always better to be honest. But others believe that some times is better hide a little bit the truth. However depends of the situation. Tell the whole truth all time can hurt someone's feelings, and you can be mean unconsciously. Because of that is better in some situations don't tell everything that you think that is right. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Concluding, some times it is better not tell all the truth but some times it is better be completely honest. This will depend of the case. It is necessary that the people think about before say something, and how could affect the other one. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Is being honest all the time better than lieing? I think lieing is ok if you need to, this is why

Honesty is not always the best because being honest can sometimes hurt someones feelings, like asking if something looks good and you don't want to say no and be mean so you just say yeah. If someone asks if they are fat you probably shouldn't say yeah. Or if some one spent like a week on something and they ask if it looks good and you say no they would probably get sad and want to startover. And the last reason is if someone cooks something for you you shouldn't tell them it's nasty.

Being honest can be good though. If your getting in trouble for something you might not get in as much trouble if you just tell the truth and if you lie about it you might get in a little more trouble.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer does little to state an opinion/position/thesis or argue the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and consequently, the writer c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined opinion/position/ thesis about the issue. (“ I think lieing is ok if you need to, this is why ”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ Being honest can be good though. If your getting in trouble for something you might not get in as much trouble if you just tell the truth and if you lie about it you might get in a little more trouble. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“Honesty is not always the best because being honest can sometimes hurt someones feelings, like asking if something looks good and you don't want to say no and be mean so you just say yeah. If someone asks if they are fat you probably shouldn't say yeah.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position on being honest all of the time. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“Is being honest all the time better than lieing? I think lieing is ok if you need to, this is why”)

The details are minimal in the essay, and they do not explain or illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of honesty. (“Being honest can be good though. If your getting in trouble for something you might not get in as much trouble if you just tell the truth and if you lie about it you might get in a little more trouble.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details would result in an essay that integrates solid evidence with the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same ideas throughout the essay. (“ Honesty is not always the best because being honest can sometimes hurt someones feelings, like asking if something looks good and you don't want to say no and be mean so you just say yeah. If someone asks if they are fat you probably shouldn't say yeah. Or if some one spent like a week on something and they ask if it looks good and you say no they would probably get sad and want to startover. And the last reason is if someone cooks something for you you shouldn't tell them it's nasty. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Is being honest all the time better than lieing? I think lieing is ok if you need to, this is why ”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect his/her stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included within paragraphs or between sentences. (“ Honesty is not always the best because being honest can sometimes hurt someones feelings, like asking if something looks good and you don't want to say no and be mean so you just say yeah. If someone asks if they are fat you probably shouldn't say yeah. Or if some one spent like a week on something and they ask if it looks good and you say no they would probably get sad and want to startover. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“ Being honest can be good though. If your getting in trouble for something you might not get in as much trouble if you just tell the truth and if you lie about it you might get in a little more trouble. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. The writer could create a more effective argument by incorporating persuasive words into the essay. (“If someone asks if they are fat you probably shouldn't say yeah. Or if some one spent like a week on something and they ask if it looks good and you say no they would probably get sad and want to startover. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer uses run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Is being honest all the time better than lieing? I think lieing is ok if you need to, this is why”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of being honest all of the time. (“Being honest can be good though. If your getting in trouble for something you might not get in as much trouble if you just tell the truth and if you lie about it you might get in a little more trouble.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The essay exhibits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, there are run-on sentences, several errors in subject-verb agreement, and many words are spelled incorrectly. (“ Honesty is not always the best because being honest can sometimes hurt someones feelings, like asking if something looks good and you don't want to say no and be mean so you just say yeah. If someone asks if they are fat you probably shouldn't say yeah. Or if some one spent like a week on something and they ask if it looks good and you say no they would probably get sad and want to startover. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I disagree. I believe that honesty isn't always the best policy. Becuse honesty could possibly hurt a friends or a persons fellings. For example if you were to tell a person or friend that you didn't like somthing about them or a roomer that has sreed about them and you were just being honest to the person it may still hurt their feelings and may cause an argment between the people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort in stating an opinion/position/thesis, and little effort is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. (“ I disagree. I believe that honesty isn't always the best policy. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ For example if you were to tell a person or friend that you didn't like somthing about them or a roomer that has sreed about them and you were just being honest to the person it may still hurt their feelings and may cause an argment between the people. ”)

The purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified in the introduction. (“ I disagree. I believe that honesty isn't always the best policy. Becuse honesty could possibly hurt a friends or a persons fellings. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the writer' s position on the issue of always being honest. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments, which leaves the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay inadequately includes details to support the stated opinion. (“I believe that honesty isn't always the best policy. Becuse honesty could possibly hurt a friends or a persons fellings. ”)

Since this one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented in the form of essay body paragraphs. (“I disagree. I believe that honesty isn't always the best policy. Becuse honesty could possibly hurt a friends or a persons fellings. For example if you were to tell a person or friend that you didn't like somthing about them or a roomer that has sreed about them and you were just being honest to the person it may still hurt their feelings and may cause an argment between the people. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s point of view. The writer merely states how being honest could hurt a friend's feelings. (“Becuse honesty could possibly hurt a friends or a persons fellings. ”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate . The essay does not demonstrate any evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices used.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by including a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the writer does not demonstrate any evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I disagree. I believe that honesty isn't always the best policy. ”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“ I disagree. I believe that honesty isn't always the best policy. Becuse honesty could possibly hurt a friends or a persons fellings. For example if you were to tell a person or friend that you didn't like somthing about them or a roomer that has sreed about them and you were just being honest to the person it may still hurt their feelings and may cause an argment between the people. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. The conclusion does not leave the readers with something to think about nor tell them what to do next. (“ For example if you were to tell a person or friend that you didn't like somthing about them or a roomer that has sreed about them and you were just being honest to the person it may still hurt their feelings and may cause an argment between the people. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“For example if you were to tell a person or friend that you didn't like somthing about them or a roomer that has sreed about them and you were just being honest to the person it may still hurt their feelings and may cause an argment between the people. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing viewpoints and, as a result, the argument is insufficient. The writer simply states that he/she disagrees that honesty is the best policy. (“ I disagree. I believe that honesty isn't always the best policy. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“ For example if you were to tell a person or friend that you didn't like somthing about them or a roomer that has sreed about them and you were just being honest to the person it may still hurt their feelings and may cause an argment between the people. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Is Lying Always Bad?

Many people believe that lying is one of the worst things a person can do. They view it as something that hurts everyone and eventually destroys or consumes the person that lies. Others believe that lying can sometimes be the best way to handle a situation. They view it as protecting someone's feelings or calming a difficult situation. Many people in our lives share the belief that sometimes the truth is not in everyone's best interest. Have you ever been in a situation in which the truth was harmful? Is it sometimes in everyone's best interest to tell a lie?

Decide whether or not you believe that sometimes it is in everyone's best interest to lie. Then, in a detailed essay, defend your position. Include facts and examples for support.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Most people don't know what lying means. If somebody asks you something and you don't tell them the truth, then you're lying to them. If you leave out something, it doesn't mean you're lying to them. That is not a bad thing because you're only telling them a half truth. It is true though that lying is always bad. Lying leads to more lies, can cause conflicts, and ultimately you can lose people's trust.

The first reason lying is bad is that you will lose people's trust. People that you are about will know you as a liar and won't trust you. Is that what you want? Then, you will regret lying to them because when you are telling the truth, they won't believe you. After that, those people will never tell you anything again. For example, if you get invited to a slumber party with some girls, and they start talking about a boy, you'll have no idea what they are talking about and they won't tell you. You would feel left out because you are the only person who doesn't have a clue of what they are talking about.

Secondly, lying will only lead to more lies. Everybody has lied before and they know that it's true. If you lie once, you think it's OK to lie a second time or a third or a fourth and so on. After a while, lying becomes customary. You will get disappointed with yourself and you will regret it. Your conscience won't leave you alone until you tell the truth and then people will get mad at you and it will be fatiguing. You won't be able to stop even if you wanted to. For example, if you take your parents car and you crash it, and then you say that it was stolen, you will regret it later. Your parents will probably freak out looking for the car when it's not true. You'll feel bad inside. Then, lying will be a habit. That is something very difficult to break out of. Do you really want to be addicted to lying? Think about it because no one wants a liar.

My third and last reason is that lying will cause conflicts and can complicate your life. Your friends will be very bitter. Other people that maybe you don't even know can get mad at you. For example, if a lady asks you if you think she is pretty and you say yes, even though you might think she is hideous, that lady can ask someone else and that person might say the truth, now both the lady and that other person will think that you are not honest. Then, to cover that up, you are going to lie some more. Another example would be if you like two girls and one girls asks you if you like something and you say no, and then the other girl asks you the same thing and you say yes just to impress her or to be like her, if both girls find out, you won't get neither of them because you are a big fat liar! Those girls could actually start fighting over you. You would just want to run away like a coward and not get in between. All this wouldn't have happen if you hadn't lied.

Some people might say that lying is sometimes justified. They might say that it is OK to lie to protect someone you love. Even in this circumstance however, it is not OK to lie. If a friend of yours did something wrong and you lie to protect them, then two wrongs have been done and as we know, two wrongs don’t make a right. If you care about your friend, you might stay silent, but it is never right to lie for them.

Ultimately, we can say that lying is always bad. Most people would want to hear the truth from friends than from strangers. You would lose people's trust. If you lie once, you won't be able to stop even if you wanted to. Eventually, lying becomes an unbreakable habit. People become addicted to lying. Finally, lying causes great conflicts. Some, you won't be able to get out of. Other conflicts can ruin your whole life. People lie because they aren't strong enough to face the truth. You have to live your life to the fullest because you won't get another one, but live it so there's nothing you regret.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of purpose and audience and completes all parts of the task; it may even go beyond the limits of the task. The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. In this case, the author introduces the topic by defining what a lie is and decrying critics who partake in lies. All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. The writer’s thesis creatively states what he/she believes about the issue. Throughout the essay, the author concentrates on supporting the thesis. (“ Everybody has lied before and they know that it's true. If you lie once, you think it's OK to lie a second time or a third or a fourth and so on. After a while, lying becomes customary. You will get disappointed with yourself and you will regret it. Your conscience won't leave you alone until you tell the truth and then people will get mad at you and it will be fatiguing.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the author’s own opinion. The writer restates questions and counterarguments, effectively adding more detail for his or her reasons and support. The writer starts a paragraph with a counterargument and opposes it throughout the paragraph. The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and anecdotes to support the thesis. These details are convincing and always support the main idea. The author’s thesis is intellectually challenging to readers and asks them to question their own position on the issue. (“Eventually, lying becomes an unbreakable habit. People become addicted to lying. Finally, lying causes great conflicts. Some, you won't be able to get out of. Other conflicts can ruin your whole life. People lie because they aren't strong enough to face the truth. You have to live your life to the fullest because you won't get another one, but live it so there's nothing you regret.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. The essay’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. The writer effectively uses clever ways and transitions to move from one reason or idea to the next. Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. Reasons are presented in a logical order. The conclusion effectively sums up the essay’s main points in the argument and gives readers something to think about. (“ Other conflicts can ruin your whole life. People lie because they aren't strong enough to face the truth. You have to live your life to the fullest because you won't get another one, but live it so there's nothing you regret”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in the essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Other people that maybe you don't even know can get mad at you. For example, if a lady asks you if you think she is pretty and you say yes, even though you might think she is hideous, that lady can ask someone else and that person might say the truth, now both the lady and that other person will think that you are not honest.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ People that you are about will know you as a liar and won't trust you. Is that what you want? Then, you will regret lying to them because when you are telling the truth, they won't believe you.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Is lying a good thing? Is lying a bad thing? Some people lie all of the time, some people lie sometimes, and some don't lie at all. Most people do lie. Lying is something needed to get through life. Without it lying the world would be a very different. I believe that lying is a beneficial thing and that it's needed to get through life. Lying is a beneficial thing because it can be used to buy time, to protect someone, and to prevent conflict.

My first reason for why I think lying is good is because you can use it to buy time. Every body needs to buy time some time in their life. Like when you have a surprise party. When this happens you want the person the party is for to believe something that isn't true like you can tell them you need to go visit somebody and you want them to come with you. You might also need to buy time when you want to solve a problem. Maybe the problem is that you didn't want to do your English report. Then you can tell the teacher you don't have a computer and they might give you more time. My last scenario for buying time is if you want to put off a fight. Nobody should be fighting because that is an easy way to get in trouble, or hurt. So you can tell someone that the one of the people going to fight left so that the other one leaves before the fight. Maybe you can lie and say that you don't feel well if you're going to fight. Then you can tell an adult about the fight so that they can prevent the fight and nobody gets hurt.

My next reason why I think lying is good is that you can use it to prevent conflicts. Like in my last reason, buying time, you can use lying to prevent a fight. But instead of buying time you can totally prevent it. So you can just lie to the person and just forget about them. You can also use lying to prevent arguments or disagreements. Or you can stop a fight even before you got into a conflict. For example, if someone disagrees with you then you can just lie and say you agree with them. Maybe if you feel a conflict coming up then you can say you have something to do, or someone is calling you.

My final reason for why I think lying is good is because you can lie to protect someone's feelings. Whether someone else's feelings or your own feelings. One way you can use lying to protect feelings is to keep high self esteem. For example if you are overweight then you may tell yourself that you're just a little chubby or a little overweight. You can also keep a friend happy. Maybe your friend loses privileges due to punishment. Then you can tell him or her that your punishments are far more severe or you don't even have some of the privileges that they lost temporarily. My last example for how you can lie to protect feelings is to lie so others don't get hurt emotionally. Possibly someone got new shoes and they think that they are really cool and they like them a lot. Then you tell the person that they are nice or that you like them.

Now what do you think about lying? Do those of you that believed that it was bad now believe its good, or maybe the other way around? But to me lying will always be a good thing. It always helps out in life one way or another. Remember, lying is a beneficial thing because it can be used to buy time, to protect someone, and to prevent conflict. So for those who think lying is a bad thing then think again because lying is something everyone does.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question. All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Is lying a good thing? Is lying a bad thing? Some people lie all of the time, some people lie sometimes, and some don't lie at all. Most people do lie. Lying is something needed to get through life.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It also clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The author is often formulaic. The essay follows a straight script with only some creativity. The amount of content and examples provided make up for any discrepancy in this area. The ideas presented are effectively presented to readers through paragraphing and introductory and concluding remarks. (“My next reason why I think lying is good is that you can use it to prevent conflicts. Like in my last reason, buying time, you can use lying to prevent a fight. But instead of buying time you can totally prevent it.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is also consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The introduction poses a question or gives an unusual or surprising statement to its readers. The introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. The essay uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. The writer includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“Remember, lying is a beneficial thing because it can be used to buy time, to protect someone, and to prevent conflict. So for those who think lying is a bad thing then think again because lying is something everyone does.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“My last example for how you can lie to protect feelings is to lie so others don't get hurt emotionally. Possibly someone got new shoes and they think that they are really cool and they like them a lot. Then you tell the person that they are nice or that you like them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ My last scenario for buying time is if you want to put off a fight. Nobody should be fighting because that is an easy way to get in trouble, or hurt. So you can tell someone that the one of the people going to fight left so that the other one leaves before the fight.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Is lying always bad? Most people believe that lying is one of the worst things someone can do. People lie to make people feel good about themselves. Most of the time people lie so they won't get into trouble with their parents or gaurdians. Also people lie to make people think they are someone that they're not. There are many other reasons why people lie.

Some people think lying is bad, but sometimes lying is a good thing. If you don't want to hurt peoples feelings you can lie. If you are a good friend and don't like to hurt your friends feelings so they won't feel bad about themselves. Most of the time when people lie is so they won't hurt someone. When people lie so they won't hurt someone it could make them feel bad for lying to a friend.There are more reasons why people lie.

Also people lie so they won't get in big trouble. Kids our age lie to their parents all the time so they won't get grounded. People lie so they can go places that there parents would usually say no to.In this case lying isn't the best thing to do if you get caught lying you could get into more trouble. When lying to your parents you might feel quitly.

Lastly people lie to make themselves look better than others. Some people lie and say they have things that they really don't. People will say they're related to someone just so people will think they are cool. When you lie about something that you have you can be fake. Lying isn't the best thing to do but you can make someone feel good about themselves or not get into trouble.Sometimes when you lie you will feel quitly.

As you can see people lie for many different reasons. I believe the most commen one is lying to your parents. Lying is sneaky but people don't care. When people lie they can be fake just like i said before. When people make mistakes they lie. There are alot of reasons why people lie.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade readers. It also demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The thesis adequately states what the author believes about the issue. The language of the thesis fits the examples. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Most of the time people lie so they won't get into trouble with their parents or gaurdians. Also people lie to make people think they are someone that they're not. There are many other reasons why people lie.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Most of the writer’s details are convincing. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. The writing includes three to five supporting details in a paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. Most details are clear, correct, and specific. (“Also people lie so they won't get in big trouble. Kids our age lie to their parents all the time so they won't get grounded. People lie so they can go places that there parents would usually say no to.In this case lying isn't the best thing to do if you get caught lying you could get into more trouble. When lying to your parents you might feel quitly.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. The introduction poses a question or gives an unusual or surprising statement to its readers. The introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. The essay uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. Reasons are presented in a logical order and are ordered from important to most important. The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. (“ As you can see people lie for many different reasons. I believe the most commen one is lying to your parents. Lying is sneaky but people don't care. When people lie they can be fake just like i said before. When people make mistakes they lie. There are alot of reasons why people lie.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice, and it generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Word choices are sometimes poor. There are a few specific words related to the research. The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“ People lie so they can go places that there parents would usually say no to.In this case lying isn't the best thing to do if you get caught lying you could get into more trouble. When lying to your parents you might feel quitly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ As you can see people lie for many different reasons. I believe the most commen one is lying to your parents. Lying is sneaky but people don't care.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Lying is sometimes okay but most of the time it's not. Lying is okay if you have a job when you must lie. Like Spiderman he needs to lie to get his arch enemy's. There is always times you cant lie like when you get in trouble you should tell the truth. There is times when you can lie and get away with it. Like your friend asked you if you like the clothes and you said they look great when they don't.

I mostly lie when I am trying to make someone feel good. Lets say someone asks me if they look good in their new clothes and I would say yes. Also when someone brags about something they ask me if there bragging to much but I say no. Also if you are a lawyer sometimes you have to lie. Lets say if you are a cop you have to lie for your job.

For some people lying is a habit. Like when they get in trouble they lie. Maybe if someone bragging he says they did something they didn't. So everybody lie even if they have to or not but we all know lying is sometimes okay.

When I lie I feel guilty. Almost everyone is guilty when they lie. One time I lied about breaking something and was guilty. I broke a vase and I lied. I'd say I lie 2 tims a week. I think that's pretty good.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position/thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The essay also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and completes some parts of the task. The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using some inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. The essay’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. The conclusion is somewhat unfocused and lacks an effective summary of the ideas proposed. (“There is always times you cant lie like when you get in trouble you should tell the truth. There is times when you can lie and get away with it. Like your friend asked you if you like the clothes and you said they look great when they don't.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, or short stories that explain or illustrate his or her opinion. Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. There is, however, a lack of detail for each topic. The conclusion is short and lacking in detail. The author may or may not attempt to address counterarguments; in this case he or she does not. (“When I lie I feel guilty. Almost everyone is guilty when they lie. One time I lied about breaking something and was guilty. I broke a vase and I lied. I'd say I lie 2 tims a week. I think that's pretty good.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The introduction is reasonably effective and the author does attempt to separate ideas into separate sections, but each idea is not clearly distinguishable. Furthermore, the author needs to use more transitions and provide a more substantial conclusion. (“When I lie I feel guilty. Almost everyone is guilty when they lie. One time I lied about breaking something and was guilty. I broke a vase and I lied. I'd say I lie 2 tims a week. I think that's pretty good.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank.) There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. Word choice is occasionally unsophisticated for this grade level. (“For some people lying is a habit. Like when they get in trouble they lie. Maybe if someone bragging he says they did something they didn't. So everybody lie even if they have to or not but we all know lying is sometimes okay.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The essay should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“There is always times you cant lie like when you get in trouble you should tell the truth. There is times when you can lie and get away with it. Like your friend asked you if you like the clothes and you said they look great when they don't.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why Lying Is Bad

People lie is to get to get out of truble or to get out of a situation. I lie alot to get out of a situation like if i take candy and my parents find rapers on the floor and ask me if i took it i said''i didn't do it''. Anouther is if your friend comes up to you and asks if you if this is a cute out fit and you think it isn't people lie and say it is so they don't hurt their feelings. Every one lies all the time.

I think all lies are bad. Some people think lying is good like Nathan Sweet are crazy and get into a lot of truble. My family doesn't lie a lot but i somes times do. I feel bad that i lie and i try hard not to do it.

In conclusion, lying is bad but everyone does it. I think we all sould work on not to lie

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The essay does address the issue, in this case lying, but the author does not make their position clear until the essay is nearly finished. The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“I think all lies are bad. Some people think lying is good like Nathan Sweet are crazy and get into a lot of truble. My family doesn't lie a lot but i somes times do. I feel bad that i lie and i try hard not to do it.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence, and important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details (specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) to explain and illustrate the evidence are minimal. (“I think all lies are bad. Some people think lying is good like Nathan Sweet are crazy and get into a lot of truble. My family doesn't lie a lot but i somes times do. I feel bad that i lie and i try hard not to do it.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction or conclusion. It seems as though the author may have attempted to offer some background information about the topic in the opening paragraph, but he or she does not take a clear position until the body of the essay. Transitional words were not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay, and the essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“In conclusion, lying is bad but everyone does it. I think we all sould work on not to lie”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should consult the thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Some sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas, while other sentences are too short and contain minimal variety. (“Anouther is if your friend comes up to you and asks if you if this is a cute out fit and you think it isn't people lie and say it is so they don't hurt their feelings. Every one lies all the time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think the only time is to lie if it is life threating.But other times you shouldn't lie because it is very bad and you will always feel guilty about it. But if you don't lie you will be a good person in life. Evn now if you feel jealous because your friend has cool stuff you shouldn't lie and say "well i have a car". Then aftr you have to tell the truth and you fell.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. The author does seem to understand the prompt task, but there is sporadic focus on the topic of whether or not lying is always bad. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not use appropriate language. (“I think the only time is to lie if it is life threating.But other times you shouldn't lie because it is very bad and you will always feel guilty about it.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. L ittle or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. There are no main ideas in the body paragraph. There should be at least three main ideas, which are not included, used as supports for the argument and as details to support these ideas. (“Evn now if you feel jealous because your friend has cool stuff you shouldn't lie and say ‘well i have a car.’”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion. There is also no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The thesis statement cannot be found at the end of the introduction. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“I think the only time is to lie if it is life threating.But other times you shouldn't lie because it is very bad and you will always feel guilty about it. But if you don't lie you will be a good person in life. Evn now if you feel jealous because your friend has cool stuff you shouldn't lie and say "well i have a car". Then aftr you have to tell the truth and you fell.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Then aftr you have to tell the truth and you fell.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Is Napping Beneficial?

How much sleep do we need? Do we need different amounts of sleep depending on our age? Is it possible to sleep too much or too little? Can we make up for too little sleep by napping? People of all ages suffer from sleep deprivation sooner or later, so answers to the questions about the amount of sleep necessary to stay healthy are important to us all. Naps are sometimes suggested for making up for lost sleep, but there are opposing views on the value of naps.

Research the value of naps and establish a position on whether napping is beneficial for people. Write a multi-paragraph essay using facts and details from your sources to support your position and to address the opposing point of view.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

To Nap Or Not To Nap

How much sleep do you get every night? Five hours, maybe even six? Well, that's not nearly enough. Based on your age, you need different amounts of sleep. In our modern world, it has become increasingly difficult to get the recommended amount of sleep, which is important when it comes to your health and happiness, but there is a solution. Napping during the day can help anyone suffering from sleep deprivation. As a matter of fact many famous people in our history are notorious for napping. Napping can help you be less stressed and more relaxed, and napping can make you healthier, happier, and smarter!

First of all, napping has been proven to help improve performance, by a few people whose names you may recognize. Albert Einstein, John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, Winston Churchill, Thomas Edison, Napoleon Bonaparte, and Leonardo DaVinci, were all notorious for napping. Winston often took afternoon naps for at least an hour every day, whilst leading the Allied Powers to victory against the Germans during World War 2. He said that a naps renew a person's energy. Perhaps he was right; after all, it must have taken a lot of energy to be president of the United States. Maybe that' s why Kennedy, Reagan, and Clinton took so many naps. Imagine how the world might be if Edison had been too tired to invent the light bulb. Many scientists have unique sleeping patterns, in which they only sleep 3-4 hours a night, so napping is vital to being awake and focused. In the article "The Secret Truth About Napping" it states, "Whether it is nighttime sleep or a day-time nap, primes the brain to function at a higher level, allowing us to come up with better ideas," these famous individuals certainly proved that to be true. The famous politicians, artists, presidents, scientists, and world leaders, show how much napping can benefit your creative process and decision making.

Secondly, napping can help you be less stressed and more relaxed. In the wise words of Twenty One Pilots, a lot of us wish, "We could turn back time, to the good old days, when our mama's sang us to sleep, because now we're stressed out," but it doesn't have to be that way. Napping can reduce stress and help you feel more relaxed in your daily activities. After napping only 10-20 minutes a person is scientifically proven to feel more relaxed. A study done by the University of Pennsylvania, found that letting subjects nap for as little as 24 minutes lowered the amount of mistake's people make in the work force, improves the cognitive performance, and helps a person feel less stressed about daily activities. Anton Anderson, an English professor at Greenwich High School, decided to do something to help all his tired students, so he started the Power Napping Club. This club allows students to sleep for around 20 minutes at the end of the day before they go to their extracurricular activities. The co-president of the Power Napping Club emphasizes this, "Obviously, it's no substitute for sleep, but I defiantly feel more relaxed afterward," she said.

Perhaps the greatest reason to nap is the brain boost it gives you, along with helping you to become happier and healthier. Did you know that if you take a nap after you learn something new, can help you remember it twice as well? It's true, taking cat naps can significantly boost brain power and memory. In the article "The Secret Truth About Napping" it says, "After a nap, people tend to be happier and more alert. They do better work and avoid mistakes. People who take naps may even have better long-term health than people who don't," and in the article "Ask the Sleep Doctor" it shows just how common napping is, "85 percent of animals sleep in short periods throughout the day, Humans are one of the few species that do most of their sleeping at night. Introducing a cat nap into your day may be very helpful," you can't argue with the doc. Taking naps is very well known for helping people be happier. Even NASA is getting in on the action. The astronauts traveling in space often get very little sleep, which leads to them having trouble focusing and being grumpy. NASA, decided to test whether the astronauts should take naps, they found that the astronauts were happier and had an improved memory. This shows another reason napping in beneficial to all of us.

Some might argue that napping is a waste of time, or that it makes you groggy, but that could not be more wrong. "In general, Americans regard napping as an unproductive habit. They think that only little children should take naps. However, there is evidence that napping can benefit people of all ages" (The Secret Truth About Napping, 1). Napping even for short amounts of time, can boost performance, help cognitive thinking, improve long-term health, make you feel more relaxed, help find solutions to problems, and more. The reason so many people drink coffee is because of the high caffeine level, which gives you energy, but caffeine is very bad for you and only gives you a short burst of energy; try taking a nap instead.

In conclusion, these are the reasons that napping is very beneficial to all of us, many famous and important people took naps, taking naps can help you feel less stressed and more relaxed, and napping will boost your brain power and make you happier and healthier. For these reasons it is highly advised that we take naps whenever we can. As Tom Hodgkin once said, "The nap is a sort of easy version of meditation." Napping is important for people of all ages, not just kids. So let's always make sure to carve out time for a good cat nap.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“How much sleep do you get every night? Five hours, maybe even six? Well, that's not nearly enough. Based on your age, you need different amounts of sleep. In our modern world, it has become increasingly difficult to get the recommended amount of sleep, which is important when it comes to your health and happiness, but there is a solution. Napping during the day can help anyone suffering from sleep deprivation. As a matter of fact many famous people in our history are notorious for napping. Napping can help you be less stressed and more relaxed, and napping can make you healthier, happier, and smarter!”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose, to convince his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“In the article ‘The Secret Truth About Napping’ it states, ‘Whether it is nighttime sleep or a day-time nap, primes the brain to function at a higher level, allowing us to come up with better ideas,’ these famous individuals certainly proved that to be true. The famous politicians, artists, presidents, scientists, and world leaders, show how much napping can benefit your creative process and decision making.”)

The essay focuses very effectively on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that napping is beneficial. (“Taking naps is very well known for helping people be happier. Even NASA is getting in on the action. The astronauts traveling in space often get very little sleep, which leads to them having trouble focusing and being grumpy. NASA, decided to test whether the astronauts should take naps, they found that the astronauts were happier and had an improved memory. This shows another reason napping in beneficial to all of us.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of napping. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Napping can reduce stress and help you feel more relaxed in your daily activities. After napping only 10-20 minutes a person is scientifically proven to feel more relaxed. A study done by the University of Pennsylvania, found that letting subjects nap for as little as 24 minutes lowered the amount of mistake's people make in the work force, improves the cognitive performance, and helps a person feel less stressed about daily activities. Anton Anderson, an English professor at Greenwich High School, decided to do something to help all his tired students, so he started the Power Napping Club. This club allows students to sleep for around 20 minutes at the end of the day before they go to their extracurricular activities. The co-president of the Power Napping Club emphasizes this, ‘Obviously, it's no substitute for sleep, but I defiantly feel more relaxed afterward,’ she said.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to the readers. The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate. (“Napping even for short amounts of time, can boost performance, help cognitive thinking, improve long-term health, make you feel more relaxed, help find solutions to problems, and more. The reason so many people drink coffee is because of the high caffeine level, which gives you energy, but caffeine is very bad for you and only gives you a short burst of energy; try taking a nap instead.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some might argue that napping is a waste of time, or that it makes you groggy, but that could not be more wrong. ‘In general, Americans regard napping as an unproductive habit. They think that only little children should take naps. However, there is evidence that napping can benefit people of all ages’ (The Secret Truth About Napping, 1).”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“How much sleep do you get every night? Five hours, maybe even six? Well, that's not nearly enough. Based on your age, you need different amounts of sleep. In our modern world, it has become increasingly difficult to get the recommended amount of sleep, which is important when it comes to your health and happiness, but there is a solution. Napping during the day can help anyone suffering from sleep deprivation. As a matter of fact many famous people in our history are notorious for napping. Napping can help you be less stressed and more relaxed, and napping can make you healthier, happier, and smarter!”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first of all,” “after all,” “perhaps the greatest reason,” and “in conclusion” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer connects related ideas. (“First of all, napping has been proven to help improve performance, by a few people whose names you may recognize. Albert Einstein, John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, Winston Churchill, Thomas Edison, Napoleon Bonaparte, and Leonardo DaVinci, were all notorious for napping. Winston often took afternoon naps for at least an hour every day, whilst leading the Allied Powers to victory against the Germans during World War 2. He said that a naps renew a person's energy. Perhaps he was right; after all, it must have taken a lot of energy to be president of the United States.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps-up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“In conclusion, these are the reasons that napping is very beneficial to all of us, many famous and important people took naps, taking naps can help you feel less stressed and more relaxed, and napping will boost your brain power and make you happier and healthier. For these reasons it is highly advised that we take naps whenever we can. As Tom Hodgkin once said, ‘The nap is a sort of easy version of meditation.’ Napping is important for people of all ages, not just kids. So let's always make sure to carve out time for a good cat nap.”)

Language Use & Style

Complex sentence structures and sentence variety add to the sophistication of the overall message. (“Anton Anderson, an English professor at Greenwich High School, decided to do something to help all his tired students, so he started the Power Napping Club. This club allows students to sleep for around 20 minutes at the end of the day before they go to their extracurricular activities.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including exclamations and questions and by combining sentences with conjunctions and semicolons. (“The reason so many people drink coffee is because of the high caffeine level, which gives you energy, but caffeine is very bad for you and only gives you a short burst of energy; try taking a nap instead.”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“In conclusion, these are the reasons that napping is very beneficial to all of us, many famous and important people took naps, taking naps can help you feel less stressed and more relaxed, and napping will boost your brain power and make you happier and healthier. For these reasons it is highly advised that we take naps whenever we can.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

Overall, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. When quoting sources, the writer can improve his/her essay by punctuating correctly to avoid run-on sentences. (“In the article ‘The Secret Truth About Napping’ it says, ‘After a nap, people tend to be happier and more alert. They do better work and avoid mistakes. People who take naps may even have better long-term health than people who don't,’ and in the article ‘Ask the Sleep Doctor’ it shows just how common napping is, ‘85 percent of animals sleep in short periods throughout the day, Humans are one of the few species that do most of their sleeping at night. Introducing a cat nap into your day may be very helpful,’ you can't argue with the doc.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Napping

When was the last time you took a nap? How long did you take that nap for? Napping time varies, depending how much you slept at night. Now, think about this. Why did you take the nap? Was it because you were tired from not getting enough sleep at night'? That's most people's answer. They don't get enough sleep at night, which makes them take a nap in the day time. In my opinion, I think napping is a good idea because it can make up for the sleep loss at night, it can help improve memory, and it helps with long-term health.

One reason why napping can help you, is because it can help make up for the sleep loss at night. For example, if you were up all night, partying with your friends, and you didn't get enough sleep, it can make you grumpy, because you are tired. Taking a nap will help you feel more refreshed and happy. If you lose a couple hours of sleep every night, the sleep loss hours will eventually add up. For example, if you lose one hour of sleep each night, after one week, you can lose seven hours of sleep. In the article, "Ask the Sleep Doctor," Dr. Daniel Vesslor states, "On nights when you don't get enough sleep, napping can help to recharge your body and increase your mental alertness." When you have school/work off, your body automatically wants to sleep in. If you're sleeping in on school/work off days, that means that you are normally not getting enough sleep. If you sleep earlier, then wake up earlier, you will have a better chance of having a better day.

Another reason why napping is a good idea, is because it will help you with your memory. Did you know that someone who takes a nap right after learning something, can remember it better than someone who doesn't take a nap? For example, if you come straight home from school and take a nap, your brain will store the information in your "storage room." Then, your head will be clear and ready to learn something new. In the article "The Secret Truth About Napping," it states, "The main take away seems to be that a deep sleep, whether it is nighttime sleep or a day-time nap, primes the brain to function at a higher level, allowing us to come up with better ideas, find solutions to puzzles more quickly, identify patterns faster and recall information more accurately." This means that taking napes can help our brain work properly. I have a friend, who never gets good grades on tests. One day, I advised her to take a nap right after she got home, so she can remember all the things that she learned that day. I still remember the excitement on her face, when she showed me a huge "A" sitting at the top of her test. Next time you forget something, take a nap!

The final reason why you should take a nap, is because it will help you stay focused. Many workers who work at night usually have problems sleeping. Short naps for these workers can help reduce the amount of mistakes a tired person makes. For example, would you want a tired doctor identifying if your arm is broken or not? Like most people, I'm guessing you said no. Sleep experts are encouraging night shift workers to take naps. If you take a nap before you do your homework, it will help you feel more focused and ready to accomplish your homework. In the article," Ask the Sleep Doctor, Dr. Daniel Vesslor states,"[If you take a nap] you will most likely wake up refreshed and have more energy to focus on your homework in the evening,"

It is often supposed that if you take a nap, you will become groggy; however, if you take shorter naps, you will be happier than groggy. Try taking a 10-20 minute nap instead of a 2 hour nap. If you take a 2 hour nap, you will most likely have trouble sleeping at night. In the article," Ask the Sleep Doctor," Dr. Daniel Vesslor states, "I do not recommend a two- or three-hour nap, however. Napping for several hours during the day can make it hard for you to fall asleep at night. It can also be difficult to wake up after a long nap. Naps with lengths between 10 and 20 minutes have been shown to Increase productivity, decrease fatigue and improve mood."

Now what do you think about naps? As you can see, naps can help with sleep loss, memory, and can help you stay focused. Right after you learn something new, try taking a nap. It can help, as Dr. Daniel Vesslor says, "Increase productivity, decrease fatigue and improve mood." Next time you feel tired, forget something, or can't focus, take a nap.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer successfully d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer focuses the readers’ attention on the issue by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“When was the last time you took a nap? How long did you take that nap for? Napping time varies, depending how much you slept at night. Now, think about this. Why did you take the nap? Was it because you were tired from not getting enough sleep at night'? That's most people's answer. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“In my opinion, I think napping is a good idea because it can make up for the sleep loss at night, it can help improve memory, and it helps with long-term health. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Another reason why napping is a good idea, is because it will help you with your memory. Did you know that someone who takes a nap right after learning something, can remember it better than someone who doesn't take a nap? For example, if you come straight home from school and take a nap, your brain will store the information in your ‘storage room.’ Then, your head will be clear and ready to learn something new. ”)

Content & Development

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well balanced. (“One reason why napping can help you, is because it can help make up for the sleep loss at night. For example, if you were up all night, partying with your friends, and you didn't get enough sleep, it can make you grumpy, because you are tired. Taking a nap will help you feel more refreshed and happy. If you lose a couple hours of sleep every night, the sleep loss hours will eventually add up. For example, if you lose one hour of sleep each night, after one week, you can lose seven hours of sleep. In the article, ‘Ask the Sleep Doctor,’ Dr. Daniel Vesslor states, ‘On nights when you don't get enough sleep, napping can help to recharge your body and increase your mental alertness.’ When you have school/work off, your body automatically wants to sleep in. If you're sleeping in on school/work off days, that means that you are normally not getting enough sleep. If you sleep earlier, then wake up earlier, you will have a better chance of having a better day. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, personal anecdotes, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“In the article ‘The Secret Truth About Napping,’ it states, ‘The main take away seems to be that a deep sleep, whether it is nighttime sleep or a day-time nap, primes the brain to function at a higher level, allowing us to come up with better ideas, find solutions to puzzles more quickly, identify patterns faster and recall information more accurately.’ This means that taking napes can help our brain work properly. I have a friend, who never gets good grades on tests. One day, I advised her to take a nap right after she got home, so she can remember all the things that she learned that day. I still remember the excitement on her face, when she showed me a huge ‘A’ sitting at the top of her test. Next time you forget something, take a nap! ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“It is often supposed that if you take a nap, you will become groggy; however, if you take shorter naps, you will be happier than groggy. Try taking a 10-20 minute nap instead of a 2 hour nap. If you take a 2 hour nap, you will most likely have trouble sleeping at night. In the article,’ Ask the Sleep Doctor,’ Dr. Daniel Vesslor states, ‘I do not recommend a two- or three-hour nap, however. Napping for several hours during the day can make it hard for you to fall asleep at night. It can also be difficult to wake up after a long nap. Naps with lengths between 10 and 20 minutes have been shown to Increase productivity, decrease fatigue and improve mood.’ ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“When was the last time you took a nap? How long did you take that nap for? Napping time varies, depending how much you slept at night. Now, think about this. Why did you take the nap? Was it because you were tired from not getting enough sleep at night'? That's most people's answer. They don't get enough sleep at night, which makes them take a nap in the day time. In my opinion, I think napping is a good idea because it can make up for the sleep loss at night, it can help improve memory, and it helps with long-term health. ”)

Transitions help the writer to connect related ideas. (“The final reason why you should take a nap, is because it will help you stay focused. Many workers who work at night usually have problems sleeping. Short naps for these workers can help reduce the amount of mistakes a tired person makes. For example, would you want a tired doctor identifying if your arm is broken or not? Like most people, I'm guessing you said no. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers thinking about the benefits of napping. (“Now what do you think about naps? As you can see, naps can help with sleep loss, memory, and can help you stay focused. Right after you learn something new, try taking a nap. It can help, as Dr. Daniel Vesslor says, ‘Increase productivity, decrease fatigue and improve mood.’ Next time you feel tired, forget something, or can't focus, take a nap. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Coherent style and tone ensure that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis. (“The final reason why you should take a nap, is because it will help you stay focused. Many workers who work at night usually have problems sleeping. Short naps for these workers can help reduce the amount of mistakes a tired person makes. For example, would you want a tired doctor identifying if your arm is broken or not? Like most people, I'm guessing you said no. Sleep experts are encouraging night shift workers to take naps. If you take a nap before you do your homework, it will help you feel more focused and ready to accomplish your homework. In the article,’ Ask the Sleep Doctor, Dr. Daniel Vesslor states,’[If you take a nap] you will most likely wake up refreshed and have more energy to focus on your homework in the evening,’ ”)

Although the writer combines ideas using complex sentences, he/she overuses the subordinating conjunction “if,” which causes the sentence structure to become repetitive; using a variety of sentence structures will make the essay more interesting. (“It is often supposed that if you take a nap, you will become groggy; however, if you take shorter naps, you will be happier than groggy. Try taking a 10-20 minute nap instead of a 2 hour nap. If you take a 2 hour nap, you will most likely have trouble sleeping at night. ”)

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“The final reason why you should take a nap, is because it will help you stay focused. Many workers who work at night usually have problems sleeping. Short naps for these workers can help reduce the amount of mistakes a tired person makes. For example, would you want a tired doctor identifying if your arm is broken or not? Like most people, I'm guessing you said no. Sleep experts are encouraging night shift workers to take naps. If you take a nap before you do your homework, it will help you feel more focused and ready to accomplish your homework. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Short naps for these workers can help reduce the amount of mistakes a tired person makes. For example, would you want a tired doctor identifying if your arm is broken or not? Like most people, I'm guessing you said no. Sleep experts are encouraging night shift workers to take naps. If you take a nap before you do your homework, it will help you feel more focused and ready to accomplish your homework. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do you get enough sleep at night? Would you consider a nap? Well napping is a way to deal with sleepiness or to catch up on sleep, especially for people with unusual work hours. Napping is usually seen as unproductive, however, napping proposes many positive benefits.

People may need to nap to deal with sleepiness or to deal with sleep debt. According to the article, "How Much Sleep is Enough," it states that people may need to nap to deal with sleepiness. Another quote from the article says, "naps may provide a short-term boost in alertness and performance. " Also in another article,"Ask The Sleep Doctor," Dr. Vesslor states, "that on nights when you don't enough sleep, napping can help you recharge. " He also mentions that introducing a catnap into you day may be helpful. Studies usher that such short-term sleep deprivation leads to a foggy brian, worsened vision, obesity and many other problems.

People may need to nap in regards to their unusual work hours; in an article named, "The Secret Truth about Napping," one paragraph is titled, 'Naps for certain Careers,' express's that, "studies have shown the benefits that naps can provide for individuals with unusual work hours." People such as astronauts, for example, who explore the perilous outer space where it is not always clear to tell if it is night or day. If getting all of your hours of sleep is important for a job like this, a nap could help you recharge. For another example, people, such as medical personnel, who work long hours most definitely need to nap. The same goes for other jobs as well.

Although napping is attested to people today as a poor and lazy habit, many scientific studies show that it truly isn't. The article,"How Much Sleep is Enough," states that naps may provide a sort-term boost in alertness and performance. A quote from Doctor Vesslor says, "I recommend that if you decide to take a nap, you should do so," and to "set a timer for 10 to 20 minutes." The Spanish word 'siesta' mean to take a mid-day break or a nap; even Greek people take a 'siesta' in the middle of their day.

So, do you get enough sleep at night? Well you should consider taking a nap to catch up or to deal with sleepiness, especially for people with unusual work hours. Napping is filled with many positive benefits such as improvement in alertness, performance, memory and more. So if you have trouble getting to sleep at night, taking a nap can help you recharge!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about the value of naps and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Napping is usually seen as unproductive, however, napping proposes many positive benefits.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Another quote from the article says, ‘naps may provide a short-term boost in alertness and performance. ’ Also in another article, ‘Ask The Sleep Doctor,’ Dr. Vesslor states, ‘that on nights when you don't enough sleep, napping can help you recharge. ’”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“in an article named, ‘The Secret Truth about Napping,’ one paragraph is titled, 'Naps for certain Careers,' express's that, ‘studies have shown the benefits that naps can provide for individuals with unusual work hours.’ People such as astronauts, for example, who explore the perilous outer space where it is not always clear to tell if it is night or day. If getting all of your hours of sleep is important for a job like this, a nap could help you recharge.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details support the argument that napping provides benefits. (“People may need to nap to deal with sleepiness or to deal with sleep debt. According to the article, ‘How Much Sleep is Enough,’ it states that people may need to nap to deal with sleepiness. Another quote from the article says, ‘naps may provide a short-term boost in alertness and performance. ’ Also in another article,‘Ask The Sleep Doctor,’ Dr. Vesslor states, ‘that on nights when you don't enough sleep, napping can help you recharge. ‘ He also mentions that introducing a catnap into you day may be helpful. Studies usher that such short-term sleep deprivation leads to a foggy brian, worsened vision, obesity and many other problems.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“People may need to nap in regards to their unusual work hours; in an article named, ‘The Secret Truth about Napping,’ one paragraph is titled, 'Naps for certain Careers,' express's that, ‘studies have shown the benefits that naps can provide for individuals with unusual work hours.’ People such as astronauts, for example, who explore the perilous outer space where it is not always clear to tell if it is night or day. If getting all of your hours of sleep is important for a job like this, a nap could help you recharge. For another example, people, such as medical personnel, who work long hours most definitely need to nap. The same goes for other jobs as well.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Although napping is attested to people today as a poor and lazy habit, many scientific studies show that it truly isn't. The article,‘How Much Sleep is Enough,’ states that naps may provide a sort-term boost in alertness and performance. A quote from Doctor Vesslor says, ‘I recommend that if you decide to take a nap, you should do so,’ and to ‘set a timer for 10 to 20 minutes.’ The Spanish word 'siesta' mean to take a mid-day break or a nap; even Greek people take a 'siesta' in the middle of their day.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There may be inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Do you get enough sleep at night? Would you consider a nap? Well napping is a way to deal with sleepiness or to catch up on sleep, especially for people with unusual work hours. Napping is usually seen as unproductive, however, napping proposes many positive benefits.”)

The writer uses transitions, such as “for example” and “for another example,” which help him/her demonstrate how the ideas are related or connected within the paragraph. Using transitional words between paragraphs would help the writer move from one reason or idea to the next. (“People such as astronauts, for example, who explore the perilous outer space where it is not always clear to tell if it is night or day. If getting all of your hours of sleep is important for a job like this, a nap could help you recharge. For another example, people, such as medical personnel, who work long hours most definitely need to nap.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“So, do you get enough sleep at night? Well you should consider taking a nap to catch up or to deal with sleepiness, especially for people with unusual work hours. Napping is filled with many positive benefits such as improvement in alertness, performance, memory and more. So if you have trouble getting to sleep at night, taking a nap can help you recharge!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Also in another article,’Ask The Sleep Doctor,’ Dr. Vesslor states, ‘that on nights when you don't enough sleep, napping can help you recharge. ‘ He also mentions that introducing a catnap into you day may be helpful. Studies usher that such short-term sleep deprivation leads to a foggy brian, worsened vision, obesity and many other problems.”)

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“If getting all of your hours of sleep is important for a job like this, a nap could help you recharge. For another example, people, such as medical personnel, who work long hours most definitely need to nap. The same goes for other jobs as well.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay response. (“Well you should consider taking a nap to catch up or to deal with sleepiness, especially for people with unusual work hours. Napping is filled with many positive benefits such as improvement in alertness, performance, memory and more.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In general, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. The writer should proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct errors. (“The article,’How Much Sleep is Enough,’ states that naps may provide a sort-term boost in alertness and performance. A quote from Doctor Vesslor says, ‘I recommend that if you decide to take a nap, you should do so,’ and to ‘set a timer for 10 to 20 minutes.’”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Did you know that napping beneficial for your health? If not, then start listening because I'm going to tell you all about the benefits of napping. I think that naps are good for people of all ages.

I think naps can help you catch up on those lost hours of sleep that you gave up for either preparing for the next day or watching late night TV shows. Workers that have jobs that go against their natural body clocks such as emergency responders or hospital workers take naps during their free time to work during late in the night. Lack of sleep can cause a foggy brain, worsened vision, impaired driving, and trouble remembering. Naps can also prevent health issues caused by lack of sleep such as obesity, insulin resistance and heart diseases.

Did you many famous people of the past take naps too? Presidents such as John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton took naps too. Napoleon Bonaparte, and Winston Churchill also took naps as well. Famous inventors took naps too. If Leonardo DaVincihadn't taken naps he probably wouldn't have painted the Mona Lisa or his revolutionary inventions and Thomas Edison would have beentoo tired tocreated the light bulb.

Many say that naps make it harder to fall asleep at night, but it actually doesn't. To make sure you can sleep at night take your naps around 2-4 pm and only nap for about 20 minutes. Napping for 2-3 hours can make it harder to fall asleep at night and it is hard to wake up.

To sum it all up napping is a great way to catch up on your lost hours. Napping can prevent health issues, helped famous people do what they do, and refresh your brain.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus in the essay. The writer presents an opinion /position/thesis, but the essay may present an unclear or underdeveloped argument on whether napping is beneficial. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I think that naps are good for people of all ages. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Did you many famous people of the past take naps too? Presidents such as John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton took naps too. Napoleon Bonaparte, and Winston Churchill also took naps as well. Famous inventors took naps too. If Leonardo DaVincihadn't taken naps he probably wouldn't have painted the Mona Lisa or his revolutionary inventions and Thomas Edison would have beentoo tired tocreated the light bulb. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer utilizes a limited variety of persuasive terms to convince the audience to agree with his/her point of view. (“ I think naps can help you catch up on those lost hours of sleep that you gave up for either preparing for the next day or watching late night TV shows. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against napping. The writer does attempt to address opposing points of view but does not integrate effective counterarguments into the essay response.

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few disconnected ideas, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“ Workers that have jobs that go against their natural body clocks such as emergency responders or hospital workers take naps during their free time to work during late in the night. Lack of sleep can cause a foggy brain, worsened vision, impaired driving, and trouble remembering. Naps can also prevent health issues caused by lack of sleep such as obesity, insulin resistance and heart diseases. ”)

Details about the napping habits of famous people provide interest for the readers, but they do not effectively support the argument that naps are good for everyone. How did naps benefit these people? (“Did you many famous people of the past take naps too? Presidents such as John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton took naps too. Napoleon Bonaparte, and Winston Churchill also took naps as well. Famous inventors took naps too. If Leonardo DaVincihadn't taken naps he probably wouldn't have painted the Mona Lisa or his revolutionary inventions and Thomas Edison would have beentoo tired tocreated the light bulb. ”)

The essay is limited in addressing concerns of those who might disagree with the writer’s stated position. (“Many say that naps make it harder to fall asleep at night, but it actually doesn't. To make sure you can sleep at night take your naps around 2-4 pm and only nap for about 20 minutes. Napping for 2-3 hours can make it harder to fall asleep at night and it is hard to wake up. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and although the essay incorporates paragraphing, it lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by asking a question. (“ Did you know that napping beneficial for your health? If not, then start listening because I'm going to tell you all about the benefits of napping. I think that naps are good for people of all ages. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or ideas. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices throughout, the essay may not lead readers to a logical conclusion. (“Did you many famous people of the past take naps too? Presidents such as John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton took naps too. Napoleon Bonaparte, and Winston Churchill also took naps as well. Famous inventors took naps too. If Leonardo DaVincihadn't taken naps he probably wouldn't have painted the Mona Lisa or his revolutionary inventions and Thomas Edison would have beentoo tired tocreated the light bulb. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way. (“ To sum it all up napping is a great way to catch up on your lost hours. Napping can prevent health issues, helped famous people do what they do, and refresh your brain. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay response. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

Informal language in the introduction creates a demanding tone instead of a persuasive one. (“Did you know that napping beneficial for your health? If not, then start listening because I'm going to tell you all about the benefits of napping. I think that naps are good for people of all ages. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate strong voice in the essay response. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and some ideas are presented in a weak and repetitive style. (“Did you many famous people of the past take naps too? Presidents such as John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton took naps too. Napoleon Bonaparte, and Winston Churchill also took naps as well. Famous inventors took naps too. ”)

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis effectively. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices, such as “you should,” that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“To make sure you can sleep at night take your naps around 2-4 pm and only nap for about 20 minutes. Napping for 2-3 hours can make it harder to fall asleep at night and it is hard to wake up. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Did you many famous people of the past take naps too? ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Naps are good for people and I think they are good in many ways. I think the ways naps are good is because it can do stuff for you.

One of the many reasons I think naps are good for you is you can control your mind and set your imagination free. Naps control your mind by doing stuff, like if your mad at someone take a nap and your anger will go away when you wake up because when your sleeping your mind will take stuff of of it. The way it calms your mind and takes stuff off of it is because when your sleeping you go to another place of your mind when you dream it's your imagination. This calms you because you usually have pleasant dreams which settle you.

Another, reason I think naps are good for you is because it helps you relax your mind and reset your memory. this helps you reset your mind is because everything you did that day gets put aside your mind and you think of what you want to think of that day. This helps you relax your memory because when you wke up from the nap you feel refreshed. The last reason it restarts your memory is because you just want to take your mind off of things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates a minimal attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ Naps are good for people and I think they are good in many ways. I think the ways naps are good is because it can do stuff for you. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ Naps control your mind by doing stuff, like if your mad at someone take a nap and your anger will go away when you wake up because when your sleeping your mind will take stuff of of it. The way it calms your mind and takes stuff off of it is because when your sleeping you go to another place of your mind when you dream it's your imagination. ”)

The essay does not use facts and details from sources to support a position or counter argument. (“ this helps you reset your mind is because everything you did that day gets put aside your mind and you think of what you want to think of that day. This helps you relax your memory because when you wke up from the nap you feel refreshed. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on whether napping is beneficial for people . The writer may not consider opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ One of the many reasons I think naps are good for you is you can control your mind and set your imagination free. Naps control your mind by doing stuff, like if your mad at someone take a nap and your anger will go away when you wake up because when your sleeping your mind will take stuff of of it. ”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of napping. (“ Another, reason I think naps are good for you is because it helps you relax your mind and reset your memory. this helps you reset your mind is because everything you did that day gets put aside your mind and you think of what you want to think of that day. This helps you relax your memory because when you wke up from the nap you feel refreshed. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization in response to the task. The writer provides a minimal structure with a weak introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Naps are good for people and I think they are good in many ways. I think the ways naps are good is because it can do stuff for you. ”)

The essay includes transitions between ideas, but they are formulaic in nature. (“ One of the many reasons I think naps are good for you is you can control your mind and set your imagination free. … Another, reason I think naps are good for you is because it helps you relax your mind and reset your memory. ”)

The essay does not end with a conclusion; it does not restate the argument of the essay or leave the readers with something to think about. Instead, the essay ends with a body paragraph. (“ The last reason it restarts your memory is because you just want to take your mind off of things. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer’s word choices mute his/her voice and weaken his/her position on the argument of napping. (“Naps are good for people and I think they are good in many ways. I think the ways naps are good is because it can do stuff for you.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Naps control your mind by doing stuff, like if your mad at someone take a nap and your anger will go away when you wake up because when your sleeping your mind will take stuff of of it. The way it calms your mind and takes stuff off of it is because when your sleeping you go to another place of your mind when you dream it's your imagination. ”)

The writer does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince the readers to support his/her point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“this helps you reset your mind is because everything you did that day gets put aside your mind and you think of what you want to think of that day. This helps you relax your memory because when you wke up from the nap you feel refreshed. The last reason it restarts your memory is because you just want to take your mind off of things. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject/verb agreement. (“ Naps control your mind by doing stuff, like if your mad at someone take a nap and your anger will go away when you wake up because when your sleeping your mind will take stuff of of it. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Naps are for people for many reasons. First of all, naps should only take one hour. If you take a nap for multiple hours you may have lak of sleep at night. It can be hard to wake up a nap. And if you were to come after school and decide to take to a nap. Make suer the nap takes ten to twenty minutes. Second of all, famous people take naps to. Like Jhon F. Kenedy, Ronald Reagon, and Bill Clinton all took naps to deal with stress. Even Winston Churchill He stated that naps can renew a persons enregy. He also slept na hour every afternoon. naps are for all ages. The average sleep will form the corse of your life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis, and he/she makes little effort to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ Naps are for people for many reasons. ”)

The thesis statement implies the writer’s stance on the issue, but the essay fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the position effectively. The writer merely focuses on the length of naps and famous people who napped regularly. (“ Second of all, famous people take naps to. Like Jhon F. Kenedy, Ronald Reagon, and Bill Clinton all took naps to deal with stress. Even Winston Churchill He stated that naps can renew a persons enregy. He also slept na hour every afternoon. ”)

The essay is confusing; the writer presents ideas that support both an argument and counterargument without identifying his/her point of view. (“ If you take a nap for multiple hours you may have lak of sleep at night. It can be hard to wake up a nap. … Even Winston Churchill He stated that naps can renew a persons enregy. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the writer' s position on the issue of whether napping is beneficial for people. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not provide specific examples to support a viewpoint for or against napping. The writer merely states a list of facts from the resources. (“First of all, naps should only take one hour. If you take a nap for multiple hours you may have lak of sleep at night. It can be hard to wake up a nap. And if you were to come after school and decide to take to a nap. Make suer the nap takes ten to twenty minutes. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. Additionally, at least three main ideas should be included as support for the writer’s argument. (“Naps are for people for many reasons. First of all, naps should only take one hour. If you take a nap for multiple hours you may have lak of sleep at night. It can be hard to wake up a nap. And if you were to come after school and decide to take to a nap. Make suer the nap takes ten to twenty minutes. Second of all, famous people take naps to. Like Jhon F. Kenedy, Ronald Reagon, and Bill Clinton all took naps to deal with stress. Even Winston Churchill He stated that naps can renew a persons enregy. He also slept na hour every afternoon. naps are for all ages. The average sleep will form the corse of your life. ”)

The essay does not include details that elaborate on the benefits of napping. (“Like Jhon F. Kenedy, Ronald Reagon, and Bill Clinton all took naps to deal with stress. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction and moves directly into supporting details. (“ Naps are for people for many reasons. First of all, naps should only take one hour. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. As a result, it is unclear if the writer supports napping or not. (“ If you take a nap for multiple hours you may have lak of sleep at night. It can be hard to wake up a nap. And if you were to come after school and decide to take to a nap. Make suer the nap takes ten to twenty minutes. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument or leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ naps are for all ages. The average sleep will form the corse of your life. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choices, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“If you take a nap for multiple hours you may have lak of sleep at night. It can be hard to wake up a nap. And if you were to come after school and decide to take to a nap. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects a balanced argument on the issue of napping, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“Even Winston Churchill He stated that naps can renew a persons enregy. He also slept na hour every afternoon. naps are for all ages. ”)

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“Second of all, famous people take naps to. Like Jhon F. Kenedy, Ronald Reagon, and Bill Clinton all took naps to deal with stress. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Listening to Music in Study Hall

School rules are not always popular with students. One controversial school rule in particular has recently become the subject of two letters to the editor of the Daleworth Daily Journal . The rule forbids students to listen to music as they study, even if they use headphones and do not disturb others.

After reading the letters to the editor, decide how you feel about listening to music in study hall. In a detailed essay, argue your position on this school rule. Use details from the text to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you believe that being allowed to listen to music in the hallways should be allowed? Listening to music on school grounds has been a very controversial subject among students, parents and educational staff for years and there hasn't been a final question for all the schools around the world. Now we're being asked what the students truly believe. Although music can help some students with their learning and academics, I believe it will cause more of a disruption at the school or lack thereof in the learning environment than actually assisting the students with their studies.

First, a majority of today's music is loud, obnoxious and contains vulgar language that is very inappropriate in a educational setting. Not only that, a majority of today's children only listen to fast paced or pop music. Classical music is out of the question due to the fact tat so little people still bother to listen to that kind of music. I believe this will not only increase the chance of the use profanity in a public setting but also less of an understanding on academics. The music they listen to can also influence their way of speaking, acting, listening and learning. Music is mainly used as an output to release stress and reduce concentration to my mind and body. This will cause weaker concentration to your studies and priorities if used in the classroom where concentration is key, not to mention losing track of time. Also, I personally know that a majority of my peers are visual learners. This strongly implies that outside noises (especially loud and distracting sounds like rap and pop music) will deter them during their time to concentrate. So many students can also be distracted by one student because the volume of the music can be put on the maximum and could be possibly even be heard by another student in the hallways (if the hallways aren't as loud). Distractions should be minimized as much as possible to increase a higher chance to learn. Music is meant to for relaxation. Relaxation is an attribute that is not needed in a classroom hence why music should not be allowed. Music is not used to learn unless you have a musical elective.

However, I understand that a majority of my peers will disagree with my thoughts on the subject. They will argue saying that music can possibly help those who are visual learners. That listening to music can help create something to memorize the content of school with. That they can learn to adapt to their surroundings and can use this privilege to their advantage and that they will not abuse it. However, many students will abuse this privilege because there may be no prevention from using the music in class. There could be no safety check to prevent hiding earphones in sweaters to listen to distracting music, therefore, allowing there to be an opening for an abuse of the new privilege. And with today's generation, it is bound to happen. And to be completely honest, I would most likely abuse the privilege as well. I know teenagers who already do many undercover acts to hide their musical distractions and it has brought their grade down a considerable amount. Not only did it take a long amount of time to recover their grade to its well deserved grade, but it also stopped them from being able to participate in extracurricular activities such as dances, sports and field trips. And besides, if students truly want to listen to music, they should just join the musical programs the school provides as an elective such as band and choir. This will apply a healthy output for a person who needs music to focus. And no offnse at all to those who are visual learners, but a handful of you don’t even do that well either with or without music.

I believe this action will cause more accidents to happen in the hallways, at least a lot more to begin with. Distractions are the main cause of accidents. This is especially true in middle through high schools. It could range from something small like bumping into someone and accidentally dropping your stuff and being late to class, to more serious accidents like falling down the stairs and possibly breaking a limb or bone. In the very least, one could sprain a body part. From my own personal experience as well, I have seen numerous friends and strangers receiving unwanted punishment and damage to their body, soul and social image. They have received detention, extra work, ACP and confiscation of their personal belongings. These penalizations will occur at a more rapidly if music in the hallways is allowed. Not to mention the plethora of accidents and phone calls to school as well. And lastly, the board of education will receive more complaints on the law due to the more frequent accidents.

So in conclusion, although music can help with student's learning capabilities and academics overall, I believe it will cause more disruption in the learning environment than actually assisting with the students' learning. Music can be very loud and obnoxious and can cause more of a distraction and distractions can lead to very ironic and unfortunate accidents. I believe the school district should keep the remaining rules on listening to music. At least in this way, music can be kept in the band room for those who truly choose to be a musician.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. In this case, the question asked is not very interesting, but it does introduce readers to the topic. (“ Do you believe that being allowed to listen to music in the hallways should be allowed?”)

After the essay grabs the readers’ attention, the writer follows with some background information to help readers further understand the purpose of the essay. (“ Listening to music on school grounds has been a very controversial subject among students, parents and educational staff for years and there hasn't been a final question for all the schools around the world.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the writer’s own opinion. (“ However, I understand that a majority of my peers will disagree with my thoughts on the subject. They will argue saying that music can possibly help those who are visual learners.”)

The writer begins a paragraph using a counterargument and opposes it throughout the paragraph. (“ However, many students will abuse this privilege because there may be no prevention from using the music in class.”)

The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ I know teenagers who already do many undercover acts to hide their musical distractions and it has brought their grade down a considerable amount.”)

There are at least three main ideas that support the thesis, with numerous supporting details for each idea.

Organization

The essay’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. It follows with a clear thesis that explains the writer’s position on the issue. (“ Although music can help some students with their learning and academics, I believe it will cause more of a disruption at the school or lack thereof in the learning environment than actually assisting the students with their studies.”)

The writer uses transitions in the essay that help move from one reason or idea to the next, or to introduce conflicting points of view. (“ However, I understand that a majority of my peers will disagree with my thoughts on the subject.”)

The essay includes a substantive conclusion that helps summarize many of the ideas presented and provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ I believe the school district should keep the remaining rules on listening to music. At least in this way, music can be kept in the band room for those who truly choose to be a musician.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. For example, the writer makes an effort to respect alternative points of view but challenges them at the same time. (“However, I understand that a majority of my peers will disagree with my thoughts on the subject.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“This will cause weaker concentration to your studies and priorities if used in the classroom where concentration is key, not to mention losing track of time.”)

The language and tone are consistent and appropriate for any audience. (“I know teenagers who already do many undercover acts to hide their musical distractions and it has brought their grade down a considerable amount.”)

There are a few fragmented sentences that should be combined or rephrased, but most of the content is correct. (“ These penalizations will occur at a more rapidly if music in the hallways is allowed. Not to mention the plethora of accidents and phone calls to school as well.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and each paragraph is distinguished by a line break. (“I know teenagers who already do many undercover acts to hide their musical distractions and it has brought their grade down a considerable amount.”)

The writer lists items in succession correctly, using commas where appropriate. (“Listening to music on school grounds has been a very controversial subject among students, parents and educational staff for years and there hasn't been a final question for all the schools around the world.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“ And no offnse at all to those who are visual learners, but a handful of you don’t even do that well either with or without music.”)

Generally, essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely or never impede meaning.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that not being able to listen to music during study hall would be very bad, because it would make everything boring and dull. I believe that most pre-teens would find this rule disappointing, because most kids listen to music while doing thier homework at home, so why can't it be any different in study hall? I understand why most teachers and most principals think the room should be quiet to help use the time wisely, but why not let us have fun while getting our work done? I'm not positive that I understand why that is protocol, because a way to get through most students is through something that they like doing. If the district were to install this, I would boycott it. The reasons wehy are the fact that music makes everything better to participate in.

I mean, a lot of kids like to listen to music, and why not listen to it when we are working? I, personally, have had teachers in the past that have let us listen to music while in class working on our work. It helps me focus because I listen to music during homework and get all my work done, so why not have everybody listen to music in study hall? There are some subject I would love to listen to music in, and in my math class, she gives us links on the Internet to watch a video and it is helping us learn. Another example, is the fact that my math teacher had us memorize a song to help us remember the rules for adding integers. In history, he has us watch little 2 minute or so videos on the topic of the lesson to help us understand what we are going to learn about before we start the lesson.

I honestly believe that we should listen to music during class because if everybody liked having music having music played in the classes, we could have fun doing our work and we would get it done during class. If we got our work done in class we wouldn't have any homework, unless the teacher gave us extra work to do at home. If we were to have music it could result in possibly better grades as well as better focus on our school work. The teachers could get a application that lets you play music, like Pandora. I have a teacher who to make the class less boring, plays music that is updated to today's music. His most played song that he plays is one we've all heard at one time or another, Everybody Talks, By Neon Trees.

The last reason why I would boycott this is because I don't think that it's fair to us as students. I mean would you like it if we as students, took away your phones and music while doing tyour work? I don't think that you would like that. So why take away our Ipods and phones just because your the teacher and you can? I do understand why they would be a form of distraction, but why not let us have them. If it does become too much of a distraction, then you could take it away if it gets to be too much to handle. With everything we have to worry about, why not let us do it with music? Some of us can't live without music, so why not make learning fun using music? There are also some students that sort out thier problems using music. I, for one, listen to music to relax, and relieve stress from school.

In conclusion, if they took our music away, I would boycott it. Then again, I think adding music to study hall would be awesome, because it would make everything we do less boring and more fun to participate in. So, would you take our privleges away and make everything boring? Or let us keep them and do good in school? The District gets to decide if they stay or go. What will it be District? Maybe after reading this and many others that also state why we want music in our classes, because we as the students, might be able to presuade the District and the school's teachers and pricipal to let music be allowed in class.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a direct opinionative statement. (“I think that not being able to listen to music during study hall would be very bad, because it would make everything boring and dull.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ The reasons wehy are the fact that music makes everything better to participate in.”)

The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer rarely or never uses slang or other versions of informal language. Some word choice could be improved, but most is appropriate for any audience. (“ Then again, I think adding music to study hall would be awesome, because it would make everything we do less boring and more fun to participate in.”)

Content & Development

There are at least three main ideas that support the writer’s thesis, with numerous supporting details to help support those ideas. (“I mean, a lot of kids like to listen to music, and why not listen to it when we are working? I, personally, have had teachers in the past that have let us listen to music while in class working on our work.”)

The essay addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a counterargument. (“I understand why most teachers and most principals think the room should be quiet to help use the time wisely, but why not let us have fun while getting our work done?”)

The writer’s details are convincing. Personal stories or examples are used to help increase reader interest. (“ I have a teacher who to make the class less boring, plays music that is updated to today's music.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion; it has consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph that helps define the paragraph’s content.

The writer’s introduction is not very creative, but it successfully grabs the readers’ attention. (“I think that not being able to listen to music during study hall would be very bad, because it would make everything boring and dull.”)

The introduction poses a question or gives an unusual or surprising statement to its readers. (“I understand why most teachers and most principals think the room should be quiet to help use the time wisely, but why not let us have fun while getting our work done?”)

The essay uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. (“ The last reason why I would boycott this is because I don't think that it's fair to us as students.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ Maybe after reading this and many others that also state why we want music in our classes, because we as the students, might be able to presuade the District and the school's teachers and pricipal to let music be allowed in class.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay effectively uses strong language to make the arguments more persuasive. (“The District gets to decide if they stay or go. What will it be District?”)

Language and tone are consistent. Coherent use of style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“I think that not being able to listen to music during study hall would be very bad, because it would make everything boring and dull.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, most or all sentences begin with a capital letter, have a subject and a verb (an action), and end with a punctuation mark, and most or all paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation. (“I mean, a lot of kids like to listen to music, and why not listen to it when we are working? I, personally, have had teachers in the past that have let us listen to music while in class working on our work.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“ The reasons wehy are the fact that music makes everything better to participate in.”)

Periods or commas are sometimes used when other punctuation would be appropriate, but these errors are rare and do not interfere with the message. (“I do understand why they would be a form of distraction, but why not let us have them.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

With regards to the discussion, "Music in the Study Hall," I strongly agree with the first letter. Three reasons I think the first letter is correct are: there's proof, students are getting their work done without bothering other classmates, and it lets us enjoy what we’re doing. Three reasons why I disagree with the second letter are all the same reasons I agree with the first letter.

First of all, there's proof listening to music in school is beneficial to test scores. In many cases an experiment is necessary, the results are extremely important for trying to prove something. Proof is a way to tell people about something they probably don't want to hear. Proof, is also a way to convince people into what your saying. I have had times were I've had a great idea, but no one believed me until some one else invented it, and then they all thought it was a great idea. So just a reminder proof is great!

Second, students are getting there work done without bothering other classmates. Many schools emphasize students and staff members to make a controllable learning environment. Many teachers do so, but often it becomes so quite students can't help but to talk. Music can eliminate most of that problem. Music can help because students would be into what they're listening. They'll all be listening to their own music. In many cases music helps a lot because then students will remember things on the beat of the song they were listening to. When I do homework I always have music on. It helps me block every thing out so I can focus on what I'm doing.

Lastly, it lets us enjoy what were doing. Lots of people use music for different things, but most of the time it's for inspiration. Kids have short attention spans, and music helps to prevent wandering minds. It also gives them something to think creatively about while they read or write essays like this one. Music is very important in helping students to concentrate and to focus. You see, music helps people in life, so why can't we use it for studying?

In conclusion, three reasons I agree with the first letter and disagree with the second are: there's proof, students are getting their work done without bothering other students, and it let's us enjoy what we're doing. I hope you can see that these reasons help and support the first letter’s argument that listening to music in study hall can have its uses. What do you think about listening to music in school?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. Some ideas are tangentially related, but additional exposition would help to improve readability. (“ I have had times were I've had a great idea, but no one believed me until some one else invented it, and then they all thought it was a great idea. So just a reminder proof is great!”)

The thesis attempts to state what the writer believes about the issue, but it is only partially successful. The readers can infer the writer’s intent if they have sufficient prior knowledge about the prompt. Very little background information is provided. (“ With regards to the discussion, "Music in the Study Hall," I strongly agree with the first letter.”)

The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“ When I do homework I always have music on. It helps me block every thing out so I can focus on what I'm doing.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“ When I do homework I always have music on. It helps me block every thing out so I can focus on what I'm doing.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“ Lastly, it lets us enjoy what were doing. Lots of people use music for different things, but most of the time it's for inspiration.”)

There are three main ideas that help to support the thesis, but the writer does little t o address possible arguments or concerns the readers may have.

Additional comments about the original letters would help readers understand the purpose of the essay. Here, the readers assume too much about the audience. Restating the original opinion would help readers understand the writer’s arguments better. (“Three reasons why I disagree with the second letter are all the same reasons I agree with the first letter.”)

Organization

The essay states the writer’s opinion on the issue, but additional background information or a creative question would improve the introduction. (“ With regards to the discussion, "Music in the Study Hall," I strongly agree with the first letter.”)

The essay uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next, though the transitions used are somewhat blunt. More creative word choice would add some variety and still allow the readers to move swiftly between ideas. (“ Lastly, it lets us enjoy what were doing.”)

The essay concludes with a brief summary of the ideas presented. It attempts to provide the readers with some sense of closure by posing a question to the readers, but it is only an adequate conclusion. (“ What do you think about listening to music in school?”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I have had times were I've had a great idea, but no one believed me until some one else invented it, and then they all thought it was a great idea. So just a reminder proof is great!”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“So just a reminder proof is great!”)

The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay and usually appropriate for any audience. (“When I do homework I always have music on. It helps me block every thing out so I can focus on what I'm doing.”)

Essays at this level occasionally contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“Second, students are getting there work done without bothering other classmates.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Most sentences are well constructed and give the writer some credibility. For example, many sentences begin with a capital letter, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, and many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation. (“When I do homework I always have music on. It helps me block every thing out so I can focus on what I'm doing.”)

There may be some minor errors in the usage of commas, apostrophes, or spelling, but these errors usually do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“Lastly, it lets us enjoy what were doing.”)

Overall, essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“Second, students are getting there work done without bothering other classmates.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

School rules are not always popular with students. There is a rule that forbids students from listening to music even if they use headphones and do not disturb others . They are still not allowed to listen to it while they are working. Students attending the school decided to do research on this issue. With the help of a teacher they are going to do it.

First ,i think that music should not be able to listened to during class because it is a very easy way to distract people from working or what they’re doing. I know this because i do this all the time at home. i listen to music while working and always end up distracted ,getting it wrong or not finishing my work or what I am doing. although it is a very fun way to work it does not allow you the time to finish what u are working on.

Second ,it is only a couple peoples opinion a lot of people can listen to music while working and focus but i sure know i can't do it .it is pretty nice to be able to listen to music while working so you don't get bored but are still focused on what you are doing. The people who can handle listening to music should listen to music and still focus on what they are doing should do it but the people who can’t shouldn't.

Next ,even though they might use head phones to not distract people they are still distracting themselves. Not allowing them selves to focus on what they are doing. and will affect them because instead of learning about what they are doing they are still thinking about the music and the words in it.

All in all, I think listening to music is a bad idea because it is very distracting but that is my opinion every one has different opinions but listening to music might help some people concentrate . That is what I think about listening to misic in study hall.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. In this case, it is unclear what the writer’s position on the issue is until reading the body paragraphs. (“Students attending the school decided to do research on this issue. with the help of a teacher they are going to do it.”)

Most ideas presented are on topic, but they do not directly relate to the two letters provided in the prompt. (“ First ,i think that music should not be able to listened to during class because it is a very easy way to distract people from working or what they’re doing.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using some inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“that is what i thinh about listening to misic in study hall.”)

Essays at this level occasionally have irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. In this case, most of the content is on topic, but additional exposition would make the information more meaningful. (“ I know this because i do this all the time at home.”)

Content & Development

Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. The writer generally succeeds at introducing each main idea that supports the thesis. (“Next ,even though they might use head phones to not distract people they are still distracting themselves.”)

There is very little attempt to directly address possible counterarguments. (“.it is pretty nice to be able to listen to music while working so you don't get bored but are still focused on what you are doing.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, or short stories that explain or illustrate his or her opinion, but there are only a few, and they do not provide objective evidence to support the main thesis. (“ I know this because i do this all the time at home. i listen to music while working and always end up distracted ,getting it wrong or not finishing my work or what I am doing.”)

The essay needs three to five supporting details in each body paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure, with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. It does attempt to provide readers with some background information, but it is very simplistic and brief. (“School rules are not always popular with students.”)

There is no clear thesis statement, although the writer’s opinion does become clear later in the essay. (“Students attending the school decided to do research on this issue. with the help of a teacher they are going to do it.”)

Transitions are included between paragraphs, but they are very simplistic. Additional transitions between sentences would help the writer improve the readability of the essay. (“First ,i think that music should not be able to listened to during class because it is a very easy way to distract people from working or what they’re doing.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. For example, some sentences are far too long and contain too many ideas. Simplifying sentences would improve clarity. (“ Second ,it is only a couple peoples opinion a lot of people can listen to music while working and focus but i sure know i can't do it .it is pretty nice to be able to listen to music while working so you don't get bored but are still focused on what you are doing.”)

Some sentences merely restate the obvious and should be removed. (“That is what I think about listening to misic in study hall.”)

Essays at this level often contain sentences that are too long. Separating lengthy sentences would help to improve readability. (“ All in all, I think listening to music is a bad idea because it is very distracting but that is my opinion every one has different opinions but listening to music might help some people concentrate .”)

Essays at this level contain some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“although it is a very fun way to work it does not allow you the time to finish what u are working on.”)

Some words are spelled incorrectly. This seriously undermines the writer’s credibility. (“That is what I think about listening to misic in study hall.”)

Essays at this level contain some errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The question, Does music help sudents study? is a question asked in Dalewoth diffrent middle school and . 2 parents wote letters to the Daleworth Daily Journal debating on whether or not headphones help their children study better. I agree with one letter more then the other.

In the first letter, teachers saw that lots of students wore headphones in study hall and didnt know why. the teachers wondered if they helped them study better.They experimented,half the sudents wore headphones and studied and the other sudents didn't wear them but studied. the sudents shared their experinces and the stuesnts who wore them said that they enjoyed studing.

in the second letter though, the sudents wheres tested but with writing. the sudents with headphones wherent able to write as much as the sudents without headphones. the reason why this happenrd is because the lyrics to the songs distrect them so its harder to write.

I agree with the second letter beause I myself, use music to do homework but only for math because helps me consenteate better.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

For example, the writer does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. The writer takes a position, but it is not defined until later in the essay. (“I agree with one letter more then the other.”)

There is some background information provided, but it is very brief and does not go into detail about the two letters or their significance. (“2 parents wote letters to the Daleworth Daily Journal debating on whether or not headphones help their children study better.”)

Essays at this level often have informal language or slang that is not appropriate for the audience. In this case, most of the content is appropriate, but the essay is too brief to fully assess. (“in the second letter though, the sudents wheres tested but with writing.”)

Essays at this level may or may not contain irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. The evidence that is provided has very little or no supporting details. (“the sudents shared their experinces and the stuesnts who wore them said that they enjoyed studing.”)

Essays should include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. In this case, the writer spends most of the essay’s body paragraphs informing the reader of background information about the two letters. (“ In the first letter, teachers saw that lots of students wore headphones in study hall and didnt know why. the teachers wondered if they helped them study better.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (Details include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations.) The essay includes very few details. (“ the reason why this happenrd is because the lyrics to the songs distrect them so its harder to write.”)

Organization

In this case, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. It does attempt to draw readers in with a question, but it provides very little background information or evidence of a thesis statement. (“The question, Does music help sudents study?”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs or use effective transitional words to help separate ideas. Transitions that are used are simplistic. (“ In the first letter, teachers saw that lots of students wore headphones in study hall and didnt know why.”)

The conclusion does not restate the argument of the essay. It does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. It does little to provide the readers with a sense of closure. (“ I agree with the second letter beause I myself, use music to do homework but only for math because helps me consenteate better.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. The writer should consider using more adjectives or vivid descriptions to help the readers understand the writer’s point of view. (“I agree with one letter more then the other.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Often, sentences have too many ideas. Simplifying sentences with one idea might help the writer to improve the essay’s readability. (“the sudents shared their experinces and the stuesnts who wore them said that they enjoyed studing.”)

Some word choice is clearly incorrect. (“in the second letter though, the sudents wheres tested but with writing.”)

Essays at this level often contain errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The writing shows patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“the sudents shared their experinces and the stuesnts who wore them said that they enjoyed studing.”)

Essays at this level have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present may impede meaning. Here, proper comma usage is particularly poor. (“in the second letter though, the sudents wheres tested but with writing.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

We should have phones during home room beause we dont get into troulbe. We can get iare work donel we should all do are work beause the teacher are letting us usd are phone if we usd phone we can not go on another thing. Just listing to music don’t play games and if we do play games and if the teacher sees you play, she can just take it away. Then you can get it in the end if the per but if the teacher takes it again your mom and dad will have to get it for you. I think if we Use phone just to listen to music.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task.

For example, the essay does not state a clearly defined position about the two letters. The writer instead writes about phone use, which is only partially related to listening to music in school. (“We should have phones during home room beause we dont get into troulbe.”)

There is no attempt to provide the readers with background information. Information that is provided is difficult to understand. (“troulbe. We can get iare work donel we should all do are work beause the teacher are letting us usd are phone if we usd phone we can not go on another thing.”)

Most of the content is off topic and does not address the prompt. (“Use phone just to listen to music.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. L ittle or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position.

There is only one main idea used to support the thesis. Some details are included, but they do not significantly improve the quality of the essay. (“ Just listing to music don’t play games and if we do play games and if the teacher sees you play, she can just take it away.”)

Some arguments make little sense. As a result, they do not support the thesis. (“I think if we Use phone just to listen to music.”)

It does not attempt to consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. The writer demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The first sentence is off topic and does not contribute to the purpose of the essay. (“We should have phones during home room beause we dont get into troulbe.”)

There is no clear thesis statement. Paragraphing is not used. There are no transitions to help readers move between ideas.

There is no clear conclusion. The writer does not summarize the ideas presented or give the readers a sense of closure. (“I think if we Use phone just to listen to music.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are so poorly structured that they make the essay almost incomprehensible. The writer should concentrate on writing shorter sentences with fewer ideas to improve clarity. (“We can get iare work donel we should all do are work beause the teacher are letting us usd are phone if we usd phone we can not go on another thing.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer should address the essay to all possible readers. (“Then you can get it in the end if the per but if the teacher takes it again your mom and dad will have to get it for you.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and the beginning of each new paragraph is indented.

In this case, errors in mechanics and conventions are so severe they significantly undermine the writer's credibility and message coherence. Spelling is especially poor. (“We should have phones during home room beause we dont get into troulbe.”)

In general, essays at this level contain many errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present often impede meaning.

Locker Policies

Most schools allow students to use their lockers only at specific times. This policy is being reviewed by the school committee. Write an article for your school newspaper defending your opinion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It is the end of the day; throngs of students are shoving, battling to reach their locker so they can go home at the end of the school day. Most schools permit students to use their lockers at only specific times. This is an issue that is important to both students and administrators alike. Although many kids would implore and plead to have their lockers available to them whenever they want, I believe lockers should only be open for students to use at specific times because in an emergency kids wouldn't have an adequate amount of time to retrieve their belongings in the rush of a fire or earthquake. In addition, if lockers were open for students to use at any time, it would be extremely hectic as hundreds of students are trying to access their lockers at once.

Firstly, if students have their supplies stowed in a locker, in the event of an emergency it would be incredibly difficult for every student to have time to retrieve their belongings. Having personally experienced a surprise fire drill, I know that many kids are confused and don't know where to go. If it were a real emergency in the frenzy of people running and shrieking, while teachers attempt to calm students down, nobody would even think to rescue anything they might have hidden in their lockers. This would mean that many students' cell phones, homework, books, and other valuables would be lost. If students had their belongings with them at all times, as they do now, they wouldn't have to fret about losing anything if they ever had to evacuate the school. Every person's valuables would be safe if they had their belongings with them at all times.

Furthermore, as the school day ends, over a thousand students rush to their lockers. They are pushing, shoving, and tripping other people as they fight to the front of the pack. How can this be avoided? With students only being able to access their locker at specific times, these mobs of students would be reduced to a calm group of students who can easily get to their lockers. Whenever there is an immense crowd of students, there is always the danger that someone could trip and get hurt, causing serious injury. This is made obvious every Black Friday when the large throngs of shoppers rush into a store sometimes severely injuring or even killing innocent bystanders. Locker schedules would eliminate this danger once and for all, and create the safe learning environment that every school strives for.

Although students may point out the damage heavy backpacks could do to a young child, the reality is often times students are not carrying anything at all. Most of the school day is spent in class when a student would have their backpacks on the ground. Even at brunch and lunch, when students are free to do what they please, most students take off their backpacks, putting them in piles on the ground so they can play a pickup basketball game or enjoy the break with classmates. My school also has a block schedule which lets students go to only three classes a day. This luxury allows kids to only carry half of their supplies at a maximum. This causes a lot less stress on the body than a six class schedule would.

As the school day expires, students calmly stroll out of the school; no rush or frantic mobs in their way. Should students be allowed to use their lockers at any time they please? Personally, I believe students should not be able to access their locker as they please because they wouldn't be able to retrieve their things in an emergency and crowds of students would be trying to fight their way to their lockers at once. In the past, every student had lockers they could use whenever they want, but that was changed to a locker schedule. This change was justified and should not be reversed for any reason.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“…I believe lockers should only be open for students to use at specific times because in an emergency kids wouldn't have an adequate amount of time to retrieve their belongings in the rush of a fire or earthquake.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Furthermore, as the school day ends, over a thousand students rush to their lockers. They are pushing, shoving, and tripping other people as they fight to the front of the pack. How can this be avoided? With students only being able to access their locker at specific times, these mobs of students would be reduced to a calm group of students who can easily get to their lockers.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that a student should only be able to access his/her locker at specific times. (“Firstly, if students have their supplies stowed in a locker, in the event of an emergency it would be incredibly difficult for every student to have time to retrieve their belongings. Having personally experienced a surprise fire drill, I know that many kids are confused and don't know where to go. If it were a real emergency in the frenzy of people running and shrieking, while teachers attempt to calm students down, nobody would even think to rescue anything they might have hidden in their lockers. This would mean that many students' cell phones, homework, books, and other valuables would be lost. If students had their belongings with them at all times, as they do now, they wouldn't have to fret about losing anything if they ever had to evacuate the school. Every person's valuables would be safe if they had their belongings with them at all times.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of only being able to access lockers at a specific time. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Although students may point out the damage heavy backpacks could do to a young child, the reality is often times students are not carrying anything at all. Most of the school day is spent in class when a student would have their backpacks on the ground.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Firstly, if students have their supplies stowed in a locker, in the event of an emergency it would be incredibly difficult for every student to have time to retrieve their belongings. Having personally experienced a surprise fire drill, I know that many kids are confused and don't know where to go. If it were a real emergency in the frenzy of people running and shrieking, while teachers attempt to calm students down, nobody would even think to rescue anything they might have hidden in their lockers.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. (“Furthermore, as the school day ends, over a thousand students rush to their lockers. They are pushing, shoving, and tripping other people as they fight to the front of the pack. How can this be avoided? With students only being able to access their locker at specific times, these mobs of students would be reduced to a calm group of students who can easily get to their lockers. Whenever there is an immense crowd of students, there is always the danger that someone could trip and get hurt, causing serious injury. This is made obvious every Black Friday when the large throngs of shoppers rush into a store sometimes severely injuring or even killing innocent bystanders. Locker schedules would eliminate this danger once and for all, and create the safe learning environment that every school strives for.”) The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“It is the end of the day; throngs of students are shoving, battling to reach their locker so they can go home at the end of the school day. Most schools permit students to use their lockers at only specific times. This is an issue that is important to both students and administrators alike. Although many kids would implore and plead to have their lockers available to them whenever they want, I believe lockers should only be open for students to use at specific times because in an emergency kids wouldn't have an adequate amount of time to retrieve their belongings in the rush of a fire or earthquake.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to start off,” “moving along,” “arguably,” and “in conclusion” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Furthermore, as the school day ends, over a thousand students rush to their lockers.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“As the school day expires, students calmly stroll out of the school; no rush or frantic mobs in their way. Should students be allowed to use their lockers at any time they please? Personally, I believe students should not be able to access their locker as they please because they wouldn't be able to retrieve their things in an emergency and crowds of students would be trying to fight their way to their lockers at once. In the past, every student had lockers they could use whenever they want, but that was changed to a locker schedule. This change was justified and should not be reversed for any reason.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Although many kids would implore and plead to have their lockers available to them whenever they want, I believe lockers should only be open for students to use at specific times because in an emergency kids wouldn't have an adequate amount of time to retrieve their belongings in the rush of a fire or earthquake. In addition, if lockers were open for students to use at any time, it would be extremely hectic as hundreds of students are trying to access their lockers at once.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Should students be allowed to use their lockers at any time they please? Personally, I believe students should not be able to access their locker as they please because they wouldn't be able to retrieve their things in an emergency and crowds of students would be trying to fight their way to their lockers at once.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Whenever there is an immense crowd of students, there is always the danger that someone could trip and get hurt, causing serious injury. This is made obvious every Black Friday when the large throngs of shoppers rush into a store sometimes severely injuring or even killing innocent bystanders. Locker schedules would eliminate this danger once and for all, and create the safe learning environment that every school strives for.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“How can this be avoided? With students only being able to access their locker at specific times, these mobs of students would be reduced to a calm group of students who can easily get to their lockers.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In the past, lockers have been used by students to substitute carrying books in their backpacks. Recently, schools have banned locker use; physical education being an exception. It is true that students feel the heaviness of their backpacks as anchors weighing down their health. Although some students find it easier to keep all of their notebooks in their backpacks, locker use is a better way to hold supplies because students do not need to carry as much weight, do not have to stress out about packing up their backpacks the night before, and less personal items are stolen.

Often when, students enter classrooms there are murmurs, about how heavy their science notebook is in their backpack even if that is not the class they are attending. Instead of lugging notebooks of different sorts around on students' backs, they only need to carry one notebook around each class period. It is awful to think of what that does to their back each and every day. With lockers, students can keep the rest of their notebooks in their locker, so that when the next class comes, it is just a three number combination away.

While finishing the tremendous amount of homework at home, the last thing students want to be thinking about is what tomorrow brings. Rushing around in the morning to catch the bus stresses one out enough to forget things. So there is almost no time to transfer the tons of notebooks, pencils, pens, etc., from your workspace to your backpack. With a locker's helping hand, students can keep their supplies at school over night, and when the first bell rings, accessing their things is as easy as one, two, three.

There is the often rebellious teen in middle schools that can pickpocket a student's backpack with a flick of the wrist. Not only do students lose their precious things, but it takes their mind off the task at hand. While sitting in class, trying to listen to the lesson being taught, their mind will constantly retrogress back to the precious items that have been stolen. If the schools had lockers, however, the combination to gain access is in only one place: your mind. This will lower the urge to steal or even to lose.

Although some schools feel that 12, 13, and 14 year-olds cannot manage this tiny 10 by 6 inch property, even though it is an important factor to the everyday school life. It holds almost everything they have, so students would treat them with respect. Defacing school property has been a problem in the past, but students can handle such a small locker to hold their belongings and precious items.

Not having lockers was a mistake made by the school. Students should not have to carry that weight on their shoulders all the time, what to put inside backpacks, or worry about thieves that can steal their belongings. In the future, if the use of lockers is allowed, students can be more focused and less stressed out about the worries that a backpack brings.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of only allowing students to access their lockers at specific times to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“In the past, lockers have been used by students to substitute carrying books in their backpacks. Recently, schools have banned locker use; physical education being an exception. It is true that students feel the heaviness of their backpacks as anchors weighing down their health. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Often when, students enter classrooms there are murmurs, about how heavy their science notebook is in their backpack even if that is not the class they are attending. Instead of lugging notebooks of different sorts around on students' backs, they only need to carry one notebook around each class period. It is awful to think of what that does to their back each and every day. With lockers, students can keep the rest of their notebooks in their locker, so that when the next class comes, it is just a three number combination away. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Although some students find it easier to keep all of their notebooks in their backpacks, locker use is a better way to hold supplies because students do not need to carry as much weight, do not have to stress out about packing up their backpacks the night before, and less personal items are stolen. ”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Although some schools feel that 12, 13, and 14 year-olds cannot manage this tiny 10 by 6 inch property, even though it is an important factor to the everyday school life. It holds almost everything they have, so students would treat them with respect. Defacing school property has been a problem in the past, but students can handle such a small locker to hold their belongings and precious items. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“While finishing the tremendous amount of homework at home, the last thing students want to be thinking about is what tomorrow brings. Rushing around in the morning to catch the bus stresses one out enough to forget things. So there is almost no time to transfer the tons of notebooks, pencils, pens, etc., from your workspace to your backpack. With a locker's helping hand, students can keep their supplies at school over night, and when the first bell rings, accessing their things is as easy as one, two, three. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Often when, students enter classrooms there are murmurs, about how heavy their science notebook is in their backpack even if that is not the class they are attending. Instead of lugging notebooks of different sorts around on students' backs, they only need to carry one notebook around each class period. It is awful to think of what that does to their back each and every day. With lockers, students can keep the rest of their notebooks in their locker, so that when the next class comes, it is just a three number combination away. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Although some students find it easier to keep all of their notebooks in their backpacks, locker use is a better way to hold supplies because students do not need to carry as much weight, do not have to stress out about packing up their backpacks the night before, and less personal items are stolen. ”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“In the past, lockers have been used by students to substitute carrying books in their backpacks. Recently, schools have banned locker use; physical education being an exception. It is true that students feel the heaviness of their backpacks as anchors weighing down their health. Although some students find it easier to keep all of their notebooks in their backpacks, locker use is a better way to hold supplies because students do not need to carry as much weight, do not have to stress out about packing up their backpacks the night before, and less personal items are stolen. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Not having lockers was a mistake made by the school. Students should not have to carry that weight on their shoulders all the time, what to put inside backpacks, or worry about thieves that can steal their belongings. In the future, if the use of lockers is allowed, students can be more focused and less stressed out about the worries that a backpack brings. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Often when, students enter classrooms there are murmurs, about how heavy their science notebook is in their backpack even if that is not the class they are attending. Instead of lugging notebooks of different sorts around on students' backs, they only need to carry one notebook around each class period. It is awful to think of what that does to their back each and every day. With lockers, students can keep the rest of their notebooks in their locker… ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“With lockers, students can keep the rest of their notebooks in their locker, so that when the next class comes, it is just a three number combination away. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“There is the often rebellious teen in middle schools that can pickpocket a student's backpack with a flick of the wrist. Not only do students lose their precious things, but it takes their mind off the task at hand. While sitting in class, trying to listen to the lesson being taught, their mind will constantly retrogress back to the precious items that have been stolen. If the schools had lockers, however, the combination to gain access is in only one place: your mind. This will lower the urge to steal or even to lose. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Students should not have to carry that weight on their shoulders all the time, what to put inside backpacks, or worry about thieves that can steal their belongings. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Most schools allow students to use their lockers only at specific times. This means students have to carry their books and backpacks with them and only have a locker for physical education. Although it would be extremely helpful for students to leave their backpacks in a locker during classes, lockers can allow children to hide contraband and may cause unnecessary drama with the location of their lockers.

With a locker, it becomes much easier for students to smuggle drugs or weapons into school and not have to carry them on their person. This includes guns, alcohol drugs, and other contraband that are not allowed at school or are illegal in the United States. If the students bring these to school, they could keep them in their locker and sell or use them at any time. That is dangerous to the students and may cause the development of peer pressure to smoke or drink.

Another reason for lockers to only be used at a set time is the drama students can cause so easily. Students may get a locker next to someone they despise or someone that despises them. This could be stressful on the students in their learning environment, and stressful on the teachers who have to deal with it. With this drama, a fight may break out that could cause injuries to the students, and that is horrible in a school. Students should feel safe at school and not have to worry if the kid with the locker next to them is going to throw a punch today.

Some students think it would be much safer to have a locker because it would be more difficult to steal their belongings. Even though your locker has a padlock with a code, many students can easily break into your locker. It would be almost as easy for some students as unzipping your backpack. Schools have thieves no matter if they have lockers or not, but lockers would be even more dangerous than getting something stolen.

In conclusion, students should only have lockers for one certain class because lockers can be used to smuggle things into schools and can cause unnecessary anxiety among the students and teachers. All schools have problems, but lockers will make these problems even worse. I believe that schools should definitely keep lockers limited to one subject and in the future, students will be happier and safer.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about the school changing its policy on only allowing students to go to their lockers at specific times and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Although it would be extremely helpful for students to leave their backpacks in a locker during classes, lockers can allow children to hide contraband and may cause unnecessary drama with the location of their lockers.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“With a locker, it becomes much easier for students to smuggle drugs or weapons into school and not have to carry them on their person. This includes guns, alcohol drugs, and other contraband that are not allowed at school or are illegal in the United States.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Some students think it would be much safer to have a locker because it would be more difficult to steal their belongings.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Another reason for lockers to only be used at a set time is the drama students can cause so easily. Students may get a locker next to someone they despise or someone that despises them. This could be stressful on the students in their learning environment, and stressful on the teachers who have to deal with it. With this drama, a fight may break out that could cause injuries to the students, and that is horrible in a school.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“With a locker, it becomes much easier for students to smuggle drugs or weapons into school and not have to carry them on their person. This includes guns, alcohol drugs, and other contraband that are not allowed at school or are illegal in the United States. If the students bring these to school, they could keep them in their locker and sell or use them at any time.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some students think it would be much safer to have a locker because it would be more difficult to steal their belongings. Even though your locker has a padlock with a code, many students can easily break into your locker. It would be almost as easy for some students as unzipping your backpack. Schools have thieves no matter if they have lockers or not, but lockers would be even more dangerous than getting something stolen.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. A generally unified structure and a noticeable introduction and conclusion are demonstrated. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Most schools allow students to use their lockers only at specific times. This means students have to carry their books and backpacks with them and only have a locker for physical education. Although it would be extremely helpful for students to leave their backpacks in a locker during classes, lockers can allow children to hide contraband and may cause unnecessary drama with the location of their lockers.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Although it would be extremely helpful for students to leave their backpacks in a locker during classes, lockers can allow children to hide contraband and may cause unnecessary drama with the location of their lockers. …With a locker, it becomes much easier for students to smuggle drugs or weapons into school and not have to carry them on their person.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer’s argument. (“In conclusion, students should only have lockers for one certain class because lockers can be used to smuggle things into schools and can cause unnecessary anxiety among the students and teachers. All schools have problems, but lockers will make these problems even worse. I believe that schools should definitely keep lockers limited to one subject and in the future, students will be happier and safer.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Another reason for lockers to only be used at a set time is the drama students can cause so easily. Students may get a locker next to someone they despise or someone that despises them. This could be stressful on the students in their learning environment, and stressful on the teachers who have to deal with it.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Even though your locker has a padlock with a code, many students can easily break into your locker. It would be almost as easy for some students as unzipping your backpack. Schools have thieves no matter if they have lockers or not, but lockers would be even more dangerous than getting something stolen.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“In conclusion, students should only have lockers for one certain class because lockers can be used to smuggle things into schools and can cause unnecessary anxiety among the students and teachers.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ This includes guns, alcohol drugs, and other contraband that are not allowed at school or are illegal in the United States.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Students, lockers have been a problem of titanic size. We should not have specific times to go to our lockers. Since we have classes all over the school, we should not have the times. "Time spent doing is better spent than time spent thinking about doing.", says a famous quote

Some reasons not to have locker time is because if we have tow classes on the other side of the school, we should be able to come back to your locker to get things. Also, is that if we forget a book during our specific times, you cannot go back to get it, and you need the supplies to pass a class

Some more reason is that the lockers will jammed, so, if we have time to go to our lockers, we should have time to have someone unstick it. People do not find it fair when that happens to you, then, on top of that, you will be late. If you are late three times, you get a detention

Some people may argue, wouldn't there be complete pandemonium. No! If we had any time to go to our lockers, people would be able to work together to use the lockers.

Remember if we have classes on the other side of the building, we should have time to get to our lockers anytime we want between classes. Also, if we forget a book in our rush, next period, we should be able to go back. Next, your lockers will jammed, and you can be made late. No locker time

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of only allowing students to go to their lockers at specific times, but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ We should not have specific times to go to our lockers. Since we have classes all over the school, we should not have the times. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Some reasons not to have locker time is because if we have tow classes on the other side of the school, we should be able to come back to your locker to get things. Also, is that if we forget a book during our specific times, you cannot go back to get it, and you need the supplies to pass a class ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers, but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“ Some more reason is that the lockers will jammed, so, if we have time to go to our lockers, we should have time to have someone unstick it. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against specific locker times. The writer does attempt to address readers, but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people may argue, wouldn't there be complete pandemonium. No! If we had any time to go to our lockers, people would be able to work together to use the lockers. ”)

Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. ("Some reasons not to have locker time is because if we have tow classes on the other side of the school, we should be able to come back to your locker to get things. Also, is that if we forget a book during our specific times, you cannot go back to get it, and you need the supplies to pass a class")

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for the school not needing to utilize specific locker times, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“Some more reason is that the lockers will jammed, so, if we have time to go to our lockers, we should have time to have someone unstick it. People do not find it fair when that happens to you, then, on top of that, you will be late. If you are late three times, you get a detention”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer's first sentence creates an image of how locker policies are a big issue in schools. (“Students, lockers have been a problem of titanic size. We should not have specific times to go to our lockers. Since we have classes all over the school, we should not have the times. 'Time spent doing is better spent than time spent thinking about doing.', says a famous quote ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“Some reasons not to have locker time is because if we have tow classes on the other side of the school, we should be able to come back to your locker to get things. Also, is that if we forget a book during our specific times, you cannot go back to get it, and you need the supplies to pass a class ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“ Remember if we have classes on the other side of the building, we should have time to get to our lockers anytime we want between classes. Also, if we forget a book in our rush, next period, we should be able to go back. Next, your lockers will jammed, and you can be made late. No locker time ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Some reasons not to have locker time is because if we have tow classes on the other side of the school, we should be able to come back to your locker to get things. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “Some.” (“Some reasons not to have locker time is because if we have tow classes on the other side of the school, we should be able to come back to your locker to get things. … Some more reason is that the lockers will jammed, so, if we have time to go to our lockers, we should have time to have someone unstick it. … Some people may argue… ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Some reasons not to have locker time is because if we have tow classes on the other side of the school, we should be able to come back to your locker to get things. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"Locker Policies"

"Awo, Stop shoving, Move over!", the students cry out. Hello my name is Al and I am highly recommending that you take into consider that we the students should have designated time to go to our lockers. If there were designated time zones to go to and from our lockers to the classrooms it would cause less havoc and chaos in the hallways. I am not saying that we should not be trusted to get ourselves situated. I think we just have to face the fact that we just cant do it. To many people get hurt, it is also to noisy in the hallways. It is not just me that have this opinion, there are plenty other students, faculty members, and parents who agree.

What I meant by havoc and chaos in the hallways is that there are so many emotions, mental and phisical soring around thin the hallway. Also it is very crouded in the hallway, so when they leave there locker they leave there backpack sticking out of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of the schools policy on only being able to go to his/her locker at a specific time. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ Hello my name is Al and I am highly recommending that you take into consider that we the students should have designated time to go to our lockers. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“To many people get hurt, it is also to noisy in the hallways. It is not just me that have this opinion, there are plenty other students, faculty members, and parents who agree. …What I meant by havoc and chaos in the hallways is that there are so many emotions, mental and phisical soring around thin the hallway.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ If there were designated time zones to go to and from our lockers to the classrooms it would cause less havoc and chaos in the hallways. I am not saying that we should not be trusted to get ourselves situated. I think we just have to face the fact that we just cant do it. To many people get hurt, it is also to noisy in the hallways. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of the schools policy on only being able to go to his/her locker at a specific time . The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ I am not saying that we should not be trusted to get ourselves situated. I think we just have to face the fact that we just cant do it. To many people get hurt, it is also to noisy in the hallways. ”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of the schools policy on only being able to go to his/her locker at a specific time . (“ What I meant by havoc and chaos in the hallways is that there are so many emotions, mental and phisical soring around thin the hallway. Also it is very crouded in the hallway, so when they leave there locker they leave there backpack sticking out of it ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ 'Awo, Stop shoving, Move over!', the students cry out. Hello my name is Al and I am highly recommending that you take into consider that we the students should have designated time to go to our lockers. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“It is not just me that have this opinion, there are plenty other students, faculty members, and parents who agree. …What I meant by havoc and chaos in the hallways is that there are so many emotions, mental and phisical soring around thin the hallway.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“ Also it is very crouded in the hallway, so when they leave there locker they leave there backpack sticking out of it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Hello my name is Al and I am highly recommending that you take into consider that we the students should have designated time to go to our lockers. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of the schools policy on only being able to go to his/her locker at a specific time . (“It is not just me that have this opinion, there are plenty other students, faculty members, and parents who agree.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ What I meant by havoc and chaos in the hallways is that there are so many emotions, mental and phisical soring around thin the hallway. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

i would not allow students to go to there locker any time of the day. Why? well beacuse if we coauld go to are locker whenever we wanted to go it would be to crazy in the halls beacuse we would go just to talk to are freinds and hang out thaat would ,make it to crouded and to loaud in the halls. it would also be to crouded its already crouded engough even when we cant go any time but just imagin if we could go whenever it would be amzingly crazy. I think we shouldnt be allowed to go to are lockers any time of the day beacuse if we dont it will be less crouded. thats why i think it should be only certn times to go to are locker.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of the schools policy on only being able to go to his/her locker at a specific time . (“ i would not allow students to go to there locker any time of the day. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ it would also be to crouded its already crouded engough even when we cant go any time but just imagin if we could go whenever it would be amzingly crazy. I think we shouldnt be allowed to go to are lockers any time of the day beacuse if we dont it will be less crouded. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ i would not allow students to go to there locker any time of the day. Why? well beacuse if we coauld go to are locker whenever we wanted to go it would be to crazy in the halls beacuse we would go just to talk to are freinds and hang out thaat would ,make it to crouded and to loaud in the halls. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of the schools policy on only being able to go to his/her locker at a specific time. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“i would not allow students to go to there locker any time of the day. Why? well beacuse if we coauld go to are locker whenever we wanted to go it would be to crazy in the halls beacuse we would go just to talk to are freinds and hang out thaat would ,make it to crouded and to loaud in the halls. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“I think we shouldnt be allowed to go to are lockers any time of the day beacuse if we dont it will be less crouded. thats why i think it should be only certn times to go to are locker. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as supports for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely repeats that the halls are crowded in school. (“it would also be to crouded its already crouded engough even when we cant go any time but just imagin if we could go whenever it would be amzingly crazy. I think we shouldnt be allowed to go to are lockers any time of the day beacuse if we dont it will be less crouded. ”)

Organization

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ it would also be to crouded its already crouded engough even when we cant go any time but just imagin if we could go whenever it would be amzingly crazy. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“thats why i think it should be only certn times to go to are locker.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“i would not allow students to go to there locker any time of the day. Why? well beacuse if we coauld go to are locker whenever we wanted to go it would be to crazy in the halls beacuse we would go just to talk to are freinds and hang out thaat would ,make it to crouded and to loaud in the halls. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ it would also be to crouded its already crouded engough even when we cant go any time but just imagin if we could go whenever it would be amzingly crazy. I think we shouldnt be allowed to go to are lockers any time of the day beacuse if we dont it will be less crouded. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade the readers to agree with the schools policy on only being able to go to his/her locker at a specific time , the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“I think we shouldnt be allowed to go to are lockers any time of the day beacuse if we dont it will be less crouded. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Love or Money

What would you rather have, love or money? Why?

Write an essay describing which you would rather have. Be sure to support your decision with specific details and examples from your own experiences or readings.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine you are sitting all alone inside your mansion with no one to comfort you except for the low crackling fire. Now and then, you'll get up and pace across the room. You don't think about much other than the fact that you don't have someone to there to fill in that empty chair by the fireside. You would have so much money that you wouldn't even be able to spend it all in a mere life time, but that wouldn’t be enough to save you from the loneliness. Do you really want to live and die alone? Would you want to live without love and affection? Even though you could bathe in your own money, there would be no person to share the glory of it all. That's why love would be a much better choice when confronted the question one may think is hard, "Love or Money?"

When you first hear the question, you'd think money, and then say to yourself "well, that wasn't hard," right? I guess everyone would be guilty of thinking that, but you really thought about it and mull it over a few times. Eventually, you would come to the conclusion that love is the wisest choice. So yes, you would have all this cash, but what would you spend it on other than yourself? Wouldn't you want someone on your side in time of need? For example, imagine you are starving. Those are question's one should ponder. With love you would have someone to talk to talk to, and announce your feelings. Your love would be like an unpaid, understanding, therapist that you can always trust. Naturally, in saying this, it now leads me into how you and your love can work things out together.

Money doesn't last forever, although love does. How can money pay for your life and commit to your life ahead. Just by paying for everything you want does not concede to justice. Even if you're poor, at least you have someone there to work problems out together, together being the key word. Such a simple word that has so much meaning put into it, it’s word money defiantly cannot buy. For after death, and then the past tense future, will serve you justice when compared to the compartment of love. When you're on the verge of death, wouldn't you want to see happy moments flash by not sad ones? Now, onto the future of you and your love.

The future for you and your love one is not exactly written out for you. That means you can have adventures and experience knew things around every corner. At least you can spend and cherish the moments with someone. For example, imagine you are on a cruise to Mexico and you have already booked a private dolphin ride for yourself. Later on after the dolphin ride and the cruise wouldn't you feel like you’re missing something? A certain someone to talk to you about the adventure you had on the cruise. Well, what you would be missing on the cruise would be your love, companion, and partner, someone there just to let you pour your feelings out to. That's why you love would be a much better choice. Like I said before, in a time of need, there is someone that knows what you have been going through and is your personal therapist. This applies to the good times as well. You need to have someone with you to help you enjoy the wonders of life as well.

In conclusion, love is the better choice when the question, "Love or Money", is asked. Does anybody really want to die alone? Even though you could have everything you want, is it really worth the empty feeling in your heart? I mean to say, I would rather be buried right next to a loved one then be buried in Egyptian silk and a solid gold coffin with no loved ones around me. If we all just stopped and thought about it real hard, we wouldn't be the one next to the slow crackling fire with an empty seat right next to you. That is why love is a better choice than money.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade the readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at beginning of the introduction. (“Imagine you are sitting all alone inside your mansion with no one to comfort you except for the low crackling fire.”) After the essay grabs the readers’ attention, the author follows with a rhetorical question to appeal to the readers’ emotions. (“Do you really want to live and die alone? Would you want to live without love and affection?”) All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“I mean to say, I would rather be buried right next to a loved one then be buried in Egyptian silk and a solid gold coffin with no loved ones around me.”) Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the author’s own opinion. (“When you first hear the question, you'd think money, and then say to yourself "well, that wasn't hard," right? I guess everyone would be guilty of thinking that, but you really thought about it and mull it over a few times. Eventually, you would come to the conclusion that love is the wisest choice.”) Each specific idea is discussed throughout the paragraph. The author uses rhetorical questions very effectively to encourage readers to agree with him or her. (“Later on after the dolphin ride and the cruise wouldn't you feel like you’re missing something?”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, along with effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. Essays at this level always use paragraphing to separate ideas. The essay’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The author creates a vivid picture for readers and helps them imagine life without love. (“Imagine you are sitting all alone inside your mansion with no one to comfort you except for the low crackling fire.”) The introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. Reasons are presented in a logical order.

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Even if you're poor, at least you have someone there to work problems out together, together being the key word. Such a simple word that has so much meaning put into it, it’s word money defiantly cannot buy.”) Language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. (“Now, onto the future of you and your love.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning. (“I mean to say, I would rather be buried right next to a loved one then be buried in Egyptian silk and a solid gold coffin with no loved ones around me.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Would you rather have love or money? In my opinion I would rather have love because love is worth no amount of money in the world. Money does not buy happiness, but love given freely touches the soul. There are a lot of people that I know that don't have a lot of money, but what they do have is an abundance of love, and those people are truly blessed. I know the feeling as a daughter, a granddaughter, and a friend. When my Uncle died he was surrounded by love. Money can be won, but also lost. People may just hang around for money or the happy times.

One of the reasons I would rather have love is that when my uncle Pat died of cancer in 2010. He had all of his family and close friends at his bedside. He had everything he could possibly ask for, a loving family, great friends, and a wonderful life. When he died he was and is still very loved. Would you rather die with a handful of useless money, or people that love you and always will? Sure money can buy things, but what if you have none and you feel alone unless you have love. Love can come from family, friends, pets, or god. People that love you will always will forever. Money can be lost in time, but love can't.

Another reason is money can be won, but also lost. Losing money is easier than gaining it, example gambling; unexpected expenses; and theft. Sometimes it takes a while for love to develop but when gained most people tend to love forever. For example how a mother loves her child; how a child loves a parent; like a brother or sister love each other. When you don't have love you might have an emptiness inside you, when you have someone that loves you will never be alone. When people love each other they would do anything for each other. Sometimes we may not show it, but we know it's there even if we don't want to.

People also may think they love someone and it may just for something that the person has like money or cars or even a sandwich. Sometimes people are to self centered to love, and may just want money in life. If they get what they want they most likely have nothing to do with you afterward. For example, selfish friends, people with less money, and people with nothing else to do with their time. When you have money you have to be careful in whom you trust and if love them you'll get your heart broken, and wonder what you did wrong. If you get your heart broken you won't die you'll just feel sad. People are going to do things you may not expect, for example; steal, and/or lie.

Sometimes in life people are going to break your heart but you have to suck it up and move on with your life. When people are given a choice to have love or money they sometimes choose, then regret it later. Money doesn't buy happiness, but love given freely touches the soul. People decide to be happy or sad, but love stays through hard times and good times. Money is just paper it can't feel or talk, it just sits there with a blank stare. Now you choose love or money?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade the readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The introduction is not particularly creative, but it does grab the readers’ attention and gives them something to think about right away. (“Would you rather have love or money? In my opinion I would rather have love because love is worth no amount of money in the world.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience; he/she does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Details like this are used effectively throughout the response. (“If they get what they want they most likely have nothing to do with you afterward. For example, selfish friends, people with less money, and people with nothing else to do with their time.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning that helps define that paragraph’s content. The writer’s introduction is not very creative, but it successfully grabs the readers’ attention with a question and an opinion statement. (“Would you rather have love or money? In my opinion I would rather have love because love is worth no amount of money in the world.”) Transitions are used effectively, and reasons are presented in a logical order. The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument. (“Money is just paper it can't feel or talk, it just sits there with a blank stare. Now you choose love or money?”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. Language and tone are consistent. (“When you don't have love you might have an emptiness inside you, when you have someone that loves you will never be alone.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. (“When he died he was and is still very loved.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present never impede meaning. (“People are going to do things you may not expect, for example; steal, and/or lie.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"For I don't care too much for money, for money cant buy me love ." I agree with this quote, love is much more important than money. Money is just pieces of paper, that mean nothing to me. Money can make you go crazy and cause violence, Money comes and goes, and love is way more valuable than money. As they say, "A rich man is just a poor man with lots of money."

Money can affect a person mentally, real bad. The economy can bring alot of problems among us. You hear awful tragedies that have happened in the news everyday. People kill themselves sometimes because they don't have enough money. They hurt the people around them. To prevent these kind of tragedies you could offer that someone love and care. You have to support one another. If you don't have money, it isn't the end of the world. Never worry over money, because we have each other and that's what matters.

Money comes and goes. There are many ways that you could get money, but love is really hard to get. You have to earn love from someone. You have to work your way through life to receive love and it takes alot of work. Unlike money, you usually find it lying around in the streets. Or, you could get money by scratching a lottery ticket. Love isn't as easy. Money will always be leaving your life because you need to pay bills and buy necessities in life.

Love is valuable. You cant buy it! That's what makes it so unique and special. There are many kids of meanings of love, but each one is very valuable. You need to cherish the love that you receive because you might not always have it. You cold buy so many things in life with money such as a car, a house, a television, etc. Money is a desire to most people, but love is a necessity and people have to prioritize to survive. Some of you might disagree with me because you say that sometimes dies out but it doesn't.

As you can see there are many reasons why love is more important than money. Some of you may disagree with me, but you need to see that money isn't the only thing in life. People need love in order to survive. Love conquers all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position or thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers. A basic understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated, which completes many parts of the task. The author does not provide a very creative or engaging introduction, but it does introduce the readers to the topic and provides some background information. (“ "For I don't care too much for money, for money cant buy me love ." I agree with this quote, love is much more important than money.”) The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, altho ugh it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization. The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“As you can see there are many reasons why love is more important than money.”) Finally, the author uses a conclusion to summarize some of the ideas presented. It also attempts to refute the criticisms of some readers. Additional detail would be helpful. (“Some of you may disagree with me, but you need to see that money isn't the only thing in life. People need love in order to survive.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied, and word choices are sometimes poor. Some sentences are not clear. (“Money is a desire to most people, but love is a necessity and people have to prioritize to survive.”) Overall, essays at this level may contain some minor errors in language usage or style, but the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level have few errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“ The economy can bring alot of problems among us. You hear awful tragedies that have happened in the news everyday.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you prefer unlimited love or unlimited money? I would choose love. Love is going to be with you forever, love will be there when you are happy or sad and love can help you solve your problems. You can share love with your family or your friends. Here I am going to explain why I choose love instead of money.

Money goes away faster than love. Money cannot pay for your friendship or love. Love is something you get from your heart. You can’t have too much love. Money is something you get every day, but love can get rare sometimes. And money you got to work for it. Money can leave anytime quickly, but love can be with you forever.

Love is all you need to completely provide yourself true .love would be all the way for you and without love so definitely love. Love is what opens people's eyes to the world around them. When you get love is like on body is there just you and this cute girl that you like but you never want leave her. Don't choose love and if you choose money, tell me which would last longer. In matters of the heart and your love. If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else. What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another people. Some people think that love is peace because when you are happy due to love, it gives you a sense of peace.

My main idea of my conclusion is the reasons why i choose love over money is love will be there forever; love will be there when you are happy or sad and love can help you and yourself and others. Love is what opens people’s eyes around them the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position or thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The essay demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience but completes some parts of the task. A limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience is expressed. For example, the author is very direct and does not give the readers a chance to fully understand the purpose of the essay. (“Do you prefer unlimited love or unlimited money? I would choose love.”) The writer’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level occasionally contain irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. (“Money goes away faster then love. Money can not pay up your friendship or love.”) This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the author’s opinion. Some ideas are interesting but underdeveloped. (“Some people think that love is peace because when you are happy due to love, it gives you a sense of peace.”) Overall, the author needs to include more substantive examples.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas. The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“Do you prefer unlimited love or unlimited money?”) Each paragraph addresses a particular element of the author’s argument.

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. Essays at this level tend to include sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they are too short and lack sophistication. Usually, this indicates a lack of variety in sentence structure. Essays at this level have some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. (“Money can leave anytime quickly;but love can be with you forever.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each new paragraph is indented and that each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level have some errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. In this case, period and comma usage are particularly ineffective. (“In matters of the heart and your love. If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Having to choose between love or money is a tough decision, because you can't pay to have love. But then again, not everybody in the world is rich. And also, someone like your boyfriend can love you one day and then dump you and hate you the next day. I'd rather be independent and have my guard up. So therefore, I would choose to have money and be rich.

You can't pay to have love. Love is like a strong emotion that just naturally comes and happens. You can't force it. And you know, love isn't always the best thing to have, unless it's coming from your family. Not anyone else. And with money, you can do anything and everything. You can get whatever you want.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. It makes an opinionative statement, but it is not clear how the author arrived at this position. (“I'd rather be independent and have my guard up. So therefore, I would choose to have money and be rich.”) Overall, the essay is somewhat focused, but the author needs more details to clarify his/her position. In addition, essays at this level may or may not contain irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, along with little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not include paragraphing to separate ideas. The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction, but the author does state his/her opinion. (“So therefore, I would choose to have money and be rich.”) Transitions are not used throughout the essay to move between ideas. There is no attempt to provide a conclusion or closing remarks.

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. It also makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. In this case, the author has fairly strong control over the use of language, but the lack of content makes it difficult to fully assess. Essays at this level often have errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. (“And you know, love isn't always the best thing to have, unless it's coming from your family.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. (“And with money, you can do anything and everything. You can get whatever you want.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I rather have moeny beacues love will not buy you food or a car or anything you need for life. love is just somthing you feel for someone . love can help you but it can all so bring you down and in dedt but money does not let you down unless you bonds, a check, or spent all your money on stuff u dont need.

but love can buy you stuff but only onething wach is happens but money pays the bills and the rent when it do so that is way i rather have money then love and money dont hurt you like love can well it hurts when you spened money.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position or thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. In this case, the author does provide a very basic thesis that states his/her opinion on the topic. (“I rather have moeny beacues love will not buy you food or a car or anything you need for life.”) The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue, and it does not illustrate an understanding of audience by using appropriate language.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. L ittle or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“love can help you but it can all so bring you down and in dedt but money does not let you down unless you bonds, a check, or spent all your money on stuff u dont need.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. There is paragraphing, but it is very limited and does not help separate ideas very well. There are no transitions. The conclusion is one run-on sentence that makes little or no sense. (“ but love can buy you stuff but only onething wach is happens but money pays the bills and the rent when it do so that is way i rather have money then love and money dont hurt you like love can well it hurts when you spened money.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. There are some run-on sentences that are completely unintelligible. (“ but love can buy you stuff but only onething wach is happens but money pays the bills and the rent when it do so that is way i rather have money then love and money dont hurt you like love can well it hurts when you spened money.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and is indented when beginning a new paragraph. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present often impede meaning. Some errors are so serious the essay is unintelligible. (“love can help you but it can all so bring you down and in dedt but money does not let you down unless you bonds, a check, or spent all your money on stuff u dont need.”)

Making Science Fiction Real

In science-fiction movies and television shows, we often see futuristic inventions or ideas that we hope to experience one day. Did you know that cell phones, submarines, and helicopters appeared in science fiction well before their actual creation?

Research the invention of cell phones, submarines, and helicopters. Then, in a detailed essay, argue that submarines or helicopters have had a greater impact on mankind than cell phones. Be sure to include and cite evidence from your research.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"Anything that one man can imagine, another man can make real." This quote perfectly explains what I am about to talk about. I believe fully in this quote, because nobody, not even the greatest scientists in history, would have been able to envision what they wanted to invent without the help of fantasy books and movies. When scientists saw a movie or read a book that showed a cell phone, a helicopter, or a submarine, it was not a fantasy for them, it was a goal. It sparked their imagination, and they decided that they would create these three things, so other people could be impacted by them. Of these three things, the helicopter impacted humans the most, because they allow people to have scenic and aerial views, they greatly impacted the way search and rescues are performed, and they give people land form details for mapping.

Have you ever seen things from 30,000 feet higher? If not, do you wish to? That is where helicopters come in. The first reason why helicopters have impacted life more than cell phones have is the fact that they allow humans to get a scenic view from high in the air. Helicopters allow you to see many things from above that you would never be able to see from the ground. You can see your neighborhood from the top of the world, or even bigger, you can see your city. Also, helicopter rides are very popular for dates, parties, or even just to see things from above. Therefore, helicopters help the economy because millions of people pay money just to ride in a helicopter. Another example is when photographers want to get a good picture of the world from above they must find some way to get higher than the mountains, the buildings, and the other land forms, so they use helicopters. Wouldn't the photos we see in museums be boring if we could only look at things from the ground? Helicopters are great for photographers because they can get a phenomenal photo of the world below them. This also goes for artists, who require some sort of inspiration to draw, paint, or sculpt. Seeing things from the ground is not going to give them a lot of options to choose from. However, flying in the sky will.

Another reason why helicopters have impacted the world more than cell phones or submarines is how they help with search and rescue. Do you think that you would be able to find a missing person by being under water or by using a cell phone? Obviously, submarines or cell phones will not be able to help find a lost hiker, or a fisherman who has forgotten the way back to shore. Because of their ability to fly in the air, helicopters greatly speed up the process for a search and rescue. For example, if a camper wandered off from the sight while exploring the surroundings and couldn't find his way back, they could call in a helicopter to fly above the trees to quickly find him. Another way helicopters are useful for this is to help find a fugitive on the loose. If a fugitive is running through the forest to hide from cops, a helicopter would be able to find him much faster than a cop would be able to on foot.

What would life be like if nobody knew what their surroundings were like? It would probably be as if they were suddenly transported into an unknown world! Would you, or anyone else for that matter, like to be living like this? If the answer to that question is "No," then you are in luck. The last reason why helicopters have made a bigger difference than cell phones and submarines is because they provide people with land form details. Why would somebody need land form details, you ask? They need details of the land forms around them so they can map where they are. If we didn't have some way of getting above the mountains and other land forms, we wouldn't know exactly where they were or what they looked like. Also, in years to come when other students are reading about the world as it is now in their history classes, they need to be able to know what the land looked like, just as we know what the land before us looked like.

Some people may say that cell phones have had more of an impact on humans than helicopters did, and, though cell phones are great, I would have to disagree with that, because of the many reasons I have stated in this article. Yes, cell phones make it easier to communicate with people far away, and they are extremely convenient, do they help with search and rescue? Do they allow people scenic and aerial views? Do they give land form details for mapping? No, they do not, which is why helicopters, rather than cell phones, have had a greater impact on mankind.

Because of the scenic and aerial views that helicopters give, the help with search and rescues that they provide, and the land form details used for mapping that helicopters can supply I expect that you now agree that of the three inventions, helicopters have had the most impact on this Earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning in the essay . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. The writer’s opinion refers back to the premise of the prompt—science fiction becoming reality—and demonstrates a strong understanding of the issue in the prompt task. (“'Anything that one man can imagine, another man can make real.’ This quote perfectly explains what I am about to talk about. I believe fully in this quote, because nobody, not even the greatest scientists in history, would have been able to envision what they wanted to invent without the help of fantasy books and movies.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer believes strongly that helicopters have had a more significant impact on society, and he/she presents reasons for this position in a focused and logical manner. (“The first reason why helicopters have impacted life more than cell phones have is the fact that they allow humans to get a scenic view from high in the air.” “Another reason why helicopters have impacted the world more than cell phones or submarines is how they help with search and rescue.” “The last reason why helicopters have made a bigger difference than cell phones and submarines is because they provide people with land form details.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. The writer addresses questions to readers to lead them to agree with his/her position. (“Do you think that you would be able to find a missing person by being under water or by using a cell phone?” “What would life be like if nobody knew what their surroundings were like?”)

The writer very effectively focuses on the controlling idea and uses supporting details that directly relate to the assertion that helicopters have had a more significant impact on society than cell phones or submarines. (“Obviously, submarines or cell phones will not be able to help find a lost hiker, or a fisherman who has forgotten the way back to shore.” “The last reason why helicopters have made a bigger difference than cell phones and submarines is because they provide people with land form details.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of the impact of helicopters on society. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. The prompt task requires the writer to “argue that submarines or helicopters have had a greater impact on mankind than cell phones.” The writer devotes a paragraph to emphasizing the cell phone’s inability to perform some of the important functions performed by helicopters. (“Some people may say that cell phones have had more of an impact on humans than helicopters did, and, though cell phones are great, I would have to disagree with that, because of the many reasons I have stated in this article. Yes, cell phones make it easier to communicate with people far away, and they are extremely convenient, do they help with search and rescue? Do they allow people scenic and aerial views? Do they give land form details for mapping? No, they do not, which is why helicopters, rather than cell phones, have had a greater impact on mankind.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. The writer presents examples with a reason that supports his/her position that helicopters have impacted us more by providing aerial views, search and rescue, and mapping. (“Another example is when photographers want to get a good picture of the world from above they must find some way to get higher than the mountains, the buildings, and the other land forms, so they use helicopters.” “For example, if a camper wandered off from the sight while exploring the surroundings and couldn't find his way back, they could call in a helicopter to fly above the trees to quickly find him.” “Also, in years to come when other students are reading about the world as it is now in their history classes, they need to be able to know what the land looked like, just as we know what the land before us looked like.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to the readers. (“Wouldn't the photos we see in museums be boring if we could only look at things from the ground? Helicopters are great for photographers because they can get a phenomenal photo of the world below them.” “Why would somebody need land form details, you ask? They need details of the land forms around them so they can map where they are.”) The writer successfully asks readers to imagine themselves in a scenario, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The writer's effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The writer begins with a quote, ties it into the science fiction aspect of the prompt, and then presents his/her position. (“'Anything that one man can imagine, another man can make real.’ This quote perfectly explains what I am about to talk about. I believe fully in this quote, because nobody, not even the greatest scientists in history, would have been able to envision what they wanted to invent without the help of fantasy books and movies. . . . Of these three things, the helicopter impacted humans the most, because they allow people to have scenic and aerial views, they greatly impacted the way search and rescues are performed, and they give people land form details for mapping.”)

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer clearly lists the three reasons helicopters have impacted society in the introductory paragraph. He/she then moves down the list of items, using “reason” as the transition. (“The first reason….” “Another reason….” “The last reason….”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“Because of the scenic and aerial views that helicopters give, the help with search and rescues that they provide, and the land form details used for mapping that helicopters can supply I expect that you now agree that of the three inventions, helicopters have had the most impact on this Earth.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. Emphatic, clearly persuasive language is frequently used. (“very popular” “never be able” “greatly speed up the process” “Would you, or anyone else for that matter….”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. The writer questions the readers, which involves them in the issue. (“Wouldn't the photos we see in museums be boring if we could only look at things from the ground? Helicopters are great for photographers because they can get a phenomenal photo of the world below them.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The writer uses questions addressed to the readers, which maintains tone throughout the essay. (“What would life be like if nobody knew what their surroundings were like?” “Have you ever seen things from 30,000 feet higher? If not, do you wish to?” “Do they allow people scenic and aerial views? Do they give land form details for mapping?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“For example, if a camper wandered off from the sight while exploring the surroundings and couldn't find his way back, they could call in a helicopter to fly above the trees to quickly find him. Another way helicopters are useful for this is to help find a fugitive on the loose. If a fugitive is running through the forest to hide from cops, a helicopter would be able to find him much faster than a cop would be able to on foot.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Today, the cell phone is a source of entertainment, information, and communication for children, preteens, teenagers, and adults throughout the world. The cell phone has definitely had the greatest impact on mankind, for many significant reasons. The cell phone is easy to transport, and can be taken anywhere, to quickly contact another person. In the case of an emergency or disaster, the cell phone can also be used. The cell phone may also send important notifications and friendly "reminders" to a person, regarding his or her health. The invention of the cell phone has made the lives of millions of people much simpler.

First, the cell phone is simple to transport, and can be taken anywhere. The cell phone is extremely convenient, and can be used to contact another person. In the case of a change of plans, the cell phone may be used to prevent confusion and miscommunication. The cell phone is very efficient, and while waiting in a doctor's office, one may use a cell phone to return an important call, text, or email. The cell phone has allowed people to multitask, and complete tasks at any time. The cell phone has also allowed society to communicate with one another much more quickly.

Second, the cell phone may be used in the case of an emergency. In the article, "Cell Phones," it was stated that 74 percent of Americans say they have used a cell phone in an emergency. Being able to contact 911 or a trusted friend or family member in a threatening, dangerous, or frightening situation allows children and young adults to feel safe no matter where they are. If parents are concerned about the safety of their child, new cell phones, using GPS technology, give parents the option to track the location of their child's cell phone. Therefore, the parents will most likely be tracking the location of their child. The cell phone allows both children and adults to fell calm and safe.

Third, the cell phone may improve and maintain the health of a person. In the article, "Cell Phones," it was mentioned that people are able to receive personalized text messages, which remind one to take medications. This maintains the health of a person, because if he or she forgets to take the medication, this person's life may be at risk. Also, encouraging text messages may be sent to motivate one to quit smoking or eat a healthy diet. This improves the health of a person, allowing him or her to lead a more healthful lifestyle, and possibly live longer. The cell phone plays an important role in the health of many people.

The article, "Cell Phones" found that 37 percent of teenagers felt as though they could not live without a cell phone. Some people would say that teenagers are much too dependent on his or her cell phone. One may argue that teenagers allow phone calls and/or text messages from friends to interfere with his or her daily life.

However, people of all ages use cell phones, not only to communicate with friends, but to lead a safe and healthy lifestyle. The helicopter and the submarine are not used as often as the cell phone is used. The helicopter and submarine are not used in everyday life. Environmental matters such as, observing wildlife and monitoring disasters, are dealt with by the helicopter. The helicopter is also used to rescue lost or injured people. The submarine is used to fight in wars. Both the helicopter and submarine are used to sight see, and engage in scenic tours. The cell phone is used much more often to accomplish everyday tasks, and lead a simpler life.

Clearly, the cell phone has had the greatest impact society. The cell phone is convenient to use at any time, at any place. The cell phone is extremely important in the case of an emergency or change of plans. Maintaining and improving one's health can also be done with a cell phone. The invention of the cell phone has made the lives of all of mankind simpler, and far more efficient.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer believes that the cell phone has made the biggest impact on society and clearly maintains this position throughout the essay. (“First, the cell phone is simple to transport, and can be taken anywhere.” “Second, the cell phone may be used in the case of an emergency.” “Third, the cell phone may improve and maintain the health of a person.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. In the introductory paragraph, the writer provides three detailed reasons for why he/she believes that the cell phone has impacted society. (“The cell phone has definitely had the greatest impact on mankind, for many significant reasons. The cell phone is easy to transport, and can be taken anywhere, to quickly contact another person. In the case of an emergency or disaster, the cell phone can also be used. The cell phone may also send important notifications and friendly ‘reminders’ to a person, regarding his or her health.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The writer uses superlatives (e.g., “definitely” and “greatest impact on mankind”) in the thesis statement. The examples provided to support the thesis are of high importance to most people. (“The cell phone is easy to transport, and can be taken anywhere, to quickly contact another person. In the case of an emergency or disaster, the cell phone can also be used. The cell phone may also send important notifications and friendly ‘reminders’ to a person, regarding his or her health.”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. The writer lists reasons why helicopters and submarines are important and offers a counterargument about the everyday importance of cell phones. (“The helicopter and submarine are not used in everyday life. Environmental matters such as, observing wildlife and monitoring disasters, are dealt with by the helicopter. The helicopter is also used to rescue lost or injured people. The submarine is used to fight in wars. Both the helicopter and submarine are used to sight see, and engage in scenic tours. The cell phone is used much more often to accomplish everyday tasks, and lead a simpler life.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. The writer supports his/her contention that cell phones make people feel safer with a statistic from a cited source. The writer proceeds to include information on the use of GPS tracking to enable parents to know the location of their child’s cell phone. These statistics and facts very effectively support the writer’s position about the use of cell phones in emergency situations. (“In the article, ‘Cell Phones,’ it was stated that 74 percent of Americans say they have used a cell phone in an emergency. Being able to contact 911 or a trusted friend or family member in a threatening, dangerous, or frightening situation allows children and young adults to feel safe no matter where they are. If parents are concerned about the safety of their child, new cell phones, using GPS technology, give parents the option to track the location of their child's cell phone.”)

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well-balanced. There are several examples to support each reason for the writer’s position. The examples are reasonable and well-founded. (“The cell phone is extremely convenient, and can be used to contact another person. In the case of a change of plans, the cell phone may be used to prevent confusion and miscommunication. The cell phone is very efficient, and while waiting in a doctor's office, one may use a cell phone to return an important call, text, or email. The cell phone has allowed people to multitask, and complete tasks at any time. The cell phone has also allowed society to communicate with one another much more quickly.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer uses sufficient examples for each reason and explains each example more than adequately. (“In the article, ‘Cell Phones,’ it was mentioned that people are able to receive personalized text messages, which remind one to take medications. This maintains the health of a person, because if he or she forgets to take the medication, this person's life may be at risk. Also, encouraging text messages may be sent to motivate one to quit smoking or eat a healthy diet. This improves the health of a person, allowing him or her to lead a more healthful lifestyle, and possibly live longer.”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. Without being repetitive, the writer restates his/her position that the cell phone has had the bigger impact on society. (“The invention of the cell phone has made the lives of millions of people much simpler.”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help the readers understand the issue. It is clear from the introduction that readers can expect to hear about the cell phone’s ease of use, its importance in the case of an emergency, and its role in reminding the user of medical/health issues. (“The cell phone is easy to transport, and can be taken anywhere, to quickly contact another person. In the case of an emergency or disaster, the cell phone can also be used. The cell phone may also send important notifications and friendly ‘reminders’ to a person, regarding his or her health.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer begins body paragraphs with “First,” “Second,” and “Third” to effectively move through his/her explanation of the reasons for his/her position. More subtle transitions would improve the essay. (“First, the cell phone is simple to transport, and can be taken anywhere.” “Second, the cell phone may be used in the case of an emergency.” “Third, the cell phone may improve and maintain the health of a person.”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer's argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. Although there is no call to action or attempt to persuade, the writer sums up his/her argument and leaves the readers to consider the cell phone’s role in making people’s lives “simpler, and far more efficient.” (“Clearly, the cell phone has had the greatest impact society. The cell phone is convenient to use at any time, at any place. The cell phone is extremely important in the case of an emergency or change of plans. Maintaining and improving one's health can also be done with a cell phone. The invention of the cell phone has made the lives of all of mankind simpler, and far more efficient.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. The writer uses descriptive, sophisticated language throughout the essay. (“prevent confusion and miscommunication” “allowing him or her to lead a more healthful lifestyle” “threatening, dangerous, or frightening situation” )

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“The cell phone is very efficient, and while waiting in a doctor's office, one may use a cell phone to return an important call, text, or email.” “This maintains the health of a person, because if he or she forgets to take the medication, this person's life may be at risk.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. The writer presents examples and facts in a precise manner. The writer provides very effective details without being overly dramatic or repetitive. (“This maintains the health of a person, because if he or she forgets to take the medication, this person's life may be at risk. Also, encouraging text messages may be sent to motivate one to quit smoking or eat a healthy diet. This improves the health of a person, allowing him or her to lead a more healthful lifestyle, and possibly live longer.”) The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“This maintains the health of a person, because if he or she forgets to take the medication, this person's life may be at risk. Also, encouraging text messages may be sent to motivate one to quit smoking or eat a healthy diet.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Cell phones

"That was not a fantasy to us" Cooper said, "That was an objective." This is what Martin Cooper, director of research and development at Motorola said. The "Star Trek" phone inspired him to create the first mobile phone. Cell phones have had a greater impact on mankind than of the helicopter and submarine.

The benefits of cell phones in emergency situations are undisputed. It is great for children to, if needed, to contact his/her parent whenever needed. It is especially great if the child is in danger or got accidentally separated from his/her parent. Seventy-four percent of Americans say they've used a cell phone in an emergency. No one can argue the convenience of being able to reach your child immediately, or a child being able to reach his parent, in the case of a sudden change of plans. This is one of the reasons that cell phones are better than submarines. We don't use submarines every day, we only use them to protect our waters.

Certain phones allows for many different kinds of apps. There are apps for almost anything! Now there are many helpful apps, and there are many apps that are just for fun. There are many apps for kids that will keep them happy or there are many educational apps that can help you remember things and to help you get through the day. Forty-one percent of cell phone users say they multitask by making phone calls while commuting or waiting. This is the second reason why cell phones are better than the helicopter, you only use them for emergencies.

Why is the cell phone more important than the submarine? The cell phone is more important because one, we only use the submarine when we are in danger. Second, we don't need them every day and third, we only use them when we are being attacked from the water. Why is the cell phone more important than the helicopter? It is more important because we only use the helicopter for emergencies unless you are getting a helicopter ride for fun. Usually we use them for things like when there's a fire, or when we need life flight. The cell phone is more important than the helicopter and the submarine because we use a cell phone everyday and we use them for many different things.

There are many different uses for the cell phone whether it's for an emergency or just to help you get through the day, the cell phone helps us with whatever we need. The submarine and the helicopter are very helpful when they're needed but I believe that the cell phone is even better. Cooper even completed his obligation in making the first mobile phone. Now they all come in different sizes and colors!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about whether cell phones, submarines, or helicopters have had the greatest impact on society and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, there is a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience, and the writer satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. The thesis statement is short and has little support, but it is clear that the writer believes that cell phones have had the greatest impact. (“Cell phones have had a greater impact on mankind than of the helicopter and submarine.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer discusses the advantages of having a cell phone, such as a parent's ability to contact a child and a person's ability to multitask using the many available apps. He/she also addresses counterarguments in favor of the helicopter and submarine. (“The benefits of cell phones in emergency situations are undisputed.” “Certain phones allows for many different kinds of apps. There are apps for almost anything!” “Certain phones allows for many different kinds of apps. There are apps for almost anything! . . . Why is the cell phone more important than the helicopter?”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The writer’s thesis speaks of the “greater impact on mankind,” which the examples address adequately. (“No one can argue the convenience of being able to reach your child immediately, or a child being able to reach his parent, in the case of a sudden change of plans.” “Forty-one percent of cell phone users say they multitask by making phone calls while commuting or waiting.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. He/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. The writer does occasionally use a contraction. (“Second, we don't need them every day and third, we only use them when we are being attacked from the water.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for cell phones having more impact on society than helicopters or submarines. The inclusion of another reason supporting cell phones as having more impact would improve the essay. The writer discusses only two reasons: for emergency use and for multitasking. (“There are many different uses for the cell phone whether it's for an emergency or just to help you get through the day, the cell phone helps us with whatever we need.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. The writer supports his/her reasons with several details. (“It is great for children to, if needed, to contact his/her parent whenever needed. It is especially great if the child is in danger or got accidentally separated from his/her parent. Seventy-four percent of Americans say they've used a cell phone in an emergency. No one can argue the convenience of being able to reach your child immediately, or a child being able to reach his parent, in the case of a sudden change of plans.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. The writer uses a quote by Martin Cooper to begin the essay, which has readers wondering what the “fantasy” and “objective” are. (“'That was not a fantasy to us’ Cooper said, ‘That was an objective.’ This is what Martin Cooper, director of research and development at Motorola said.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. The writer signals the end of the discussion of a reason with a statement that addresses the counterargument for the helicopter or submarine. (“This is the second reason why cell phones are better than the helicopter, you only use them for emergencies.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. However, there are instances where transitions would have improved the flow of thought in the paragraph. (“There are many apps for kids that will keep them happy or there are many educational apps that can help you remember things and to help you get through the day. Forty-one percent of cell phone users say they multitask by making phone calls while commuting or waiting.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. Additional details would improve the summary of the writer’s reasons. (“There are many different uses for the cell phone whether it's for an emergency or just to help you get through the day, the cell phone helps us with whatever we need. The submarine and the helicopter are very helpful when they're needed but I believe that the cell phone is even better.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer effectively uses compound sentences to combine similar ideas. (“Now there are many helpful apps, and there are many apps that are just for fun. There are many apps for kids that will keep them happy or there are many educational apps that can help you remember things and to help you get through the day.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer presents information in a straightforward and concise manner. (“No one can argue the convenience of being able to reach your child immediately, or a child being able to reach his parent, in the case of a sudden change of plans.” “Forty-one percent of cell phone users say they multitask by making phone calls while commuting or waiting.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. The writer’s language is serious enough for the readers to critically consider the reasons/arguments. Yet, the writer is not overly serious and includes language that conveys his/her enthusiasm for the subject. (“No one can argue the convenience of being able to reach your child immediately, or a child being able to reach his parent, in the case of a sudden change of plans.” “There are apps for almost anything! Now there are many helpful apps, and there are many apps that are just for fun.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. There are occasional punctuation errors. (“This is the second reason why cell phones are better than the helicopter, you only use them for emergencies.” “The cell phone is more important than the helicopter and the submarine because we use a cell phone everyday and we use them for many different things.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Helicopters are more important than cell phones because helicopters can transport people to and from places. Helicopters can get our troops to Iraq and protect the U.S. from being bombed, shot, and attacked. Helicopters can also get people out of dangerous situations such as if a disease breaks out from a lab or something like that. Helicopters have always been around since I was little and they are more trustworthy than cell phones. We can also learn from helicopters like reports, essays, and school.

Cellphones on the other hand can't transport people like helicopters can but, you can use them to contact people when you're in trouble. You can also be tracked down if you get lost by a microchip in your phone. I use my phone on a daily bases so if I got losed I hope my family would try to track down my phone. Phones can do so many things such as use them in case you need to start a fire but, you have to know how to do it right. I hope in the future everyone won't always be on their phones cause their bored but, because they actually need to use it for something important like work.

I would love to ride in a helicopter to get around , but I wouldn't be able to even step foot in the helicopter. The only reason I would ride in a flying object is if I was in a rush and that was the only way I could get around. Unless than that reason I would never get in a helicopter. I choose to pick cell phones over a helicopter cause I was born in a time when technology was everything and cell phones were one of the main things that were there that I used to always play with as a kid. Cell phones were always in my life and they will be for the rest. I could care less what people think about, I think that cell phones are more important for people that don't work in the army and helicopters are more important to men and women that do work in the army. A lot of people I know would choose helicopters over cell phones cause helicopters can win wars but, they also can cause a lot of deaths in the army if the enemy shoots at our side. So, that's why I choose phones over helicopters. But, phones can cause death too if they are used to detonate bombs.

So, I say both are dangerous and they are both reliable. I just don't think that we should choose between phones and helicopters cause they're both big parts in the world. Cell phones can do just as many important things in the world as helicopters. Helicopters can save lives, take lives, and many other things. Cell phones can save lives, take lives, and find lives. It's important for the world to have both helicopters and cell phones in our lives cause they can all do something more important than the other one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of whether submarines or helicopters have had a greater impact on mankind than cell phones but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer’s thesis states that helicopters are “more important than cell phones.” However, the prompt task requires writers to argue whether helicopters or submarines have had a greater impact on mankind than cell phones—not whether they are more important. (“Helicopters are more important than cell phones because helicopters can transport people to and from places.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. In addition, as the essay progresses, the writer’s focus shifts from supporting helicopters as the most important, to considering both cell phones and helicopters as being equally important. (“Helicopters are more important than cell phones because helicopters can transport people to and from places.” “So, I say both are dangerous and they are both reliable. I just don't think that we should choose between phones and helicopters cause they're both big parts in the world. Cell phones can do just as many important things in the world as helicopters.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of his/her point of view. At one point, the writer bluntly disregards anyone else’s views. (“I could care less what people think about, I think that cell phones are more important for people that don't work in the army and helicopters are more important to men and women that do work in the army.” “So, I say both are dangerous and they are both reliable.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against the impact of cell phones, helicopters, and submarines on mankind. The writer does attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. The writer begins the paragraph by addressing the counterargument applauding the helicopter, then praises the cell phone, then shows total disregard for the readers’ opinions, and then ends the paragraph waffling between the helicopter and cell phone as the most important invention. (“I could care less what people think about, I think that cell phones are more important for people that don't work in the army and helicopters are more important to men and women that do work in the army. A lot of people I know would choose helicopters over cell phones cause helicopters can win wars but, they also can cause a lot of deaths in the army if the enemy shoots at our side. So, that's why I choose phones over helicopters. But, phones can cause death too if they are used to detonate bombs.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. (“I choose to pick cell phones over a helicopter cause I was born in a time when technology was everything and cell phones were one of the main things that were there that I used to always play with as a kid. Cell phones were always in my life and they will be for the rest.”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for believing cell phones have impacted mankind more than helicopters or submarines, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for cell phones helping in emergencies, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. The writer then loses focus and mentions using a cell phone to start a fire, and then he/she ends the paragraph hoping that people will only use their phones for something “important like work.” (“Cellphones on the other hand can't transport people like helicopters can but, you can use them to contact people when you're in trouble. You can also be tracked down if you get lost by a microchip in your phone. I use my phone on a daily bases so if I got losed I hope my family would try to track down my phone. Phones can do so many things such as use them in case you need to start a fire but, you have to know how to do it right. I hope in the future everyone won't always be on their phones cause their bored but, because they actually need to use it for something important like work.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. He/she incorporates the use of paragraphing in the essay, but there is a lack of effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer mentions the role of helicopters in times of war and in the event of an outbreak of disease. (“Helicopters are more important than cell phones because helicopters can transport people to and from places. Helicopters can get our troops to Iraq and protect the U.S. from being bombed, shot, and attacked. Helicopters can also get people out of dangerous situations such as if a disease breaks out from a lab or something like that.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. The writer opens the second body paragraph by praising helicopters, and two sentences later, the writer declares that he/she would “choose to pick cell phones over a helicopter.” The lack of transitions leaves readers confused. (“I would love to ride in a helicopter to get around , but I wouldn't be able to even step foot in the helicopter. The only reason I would ride in a flying object is if I was in a rush and that was the only way I could get around. Unless than that reason I would never get in a helicopter. I choose to pick cell phones over a helicopter cause I was born in a time when technology was everything and cell phones were one of the main things that were there that I used to always play with as a kid.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. The writer’s position changes from the thesis statement in the introductory paragraph. The conclusion is not a summary but instead a list of new reasons for the writer’s position. (“So, I say both are dangerous and they are both reliable. I just don't think that we should choose between phones and helicopters cause they're both big parts in the world. Cell phones can do just as many important things in the world as helicopters. Helicopters can save lives, take lives, and many other things. Cell phones can save lives, take lives, and find lives. It's important for the world to have both helicopters and cell phones in our lives cause they can all do something more important than the other one.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. The flow of the writing is disjointed and sometimes difficult to follow. (“I use my phone on a daily bases so if I got losed I hope my family would try to track down my phone. Phones can do so many things such as use them in case you need to start a fire but, you have to know how to do it right. I hope in the future everyone won't always be on their phones cause their bored but, because they actually need to use it for something important like work.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “I.” (“I would love . . . .” “I use my phone . . . .” “I hope in the future . . . .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“I use my phone on a daily bases so if I got losed I hope my family would try to track down my phone. Phones can do so many things such as use them in case you need to start a fire but, you have to know how to do it right. I hope in the future everyone won't always be on their phones cause their bored but, because they actually need to use it for something important like work.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Helicopters have had a greater impact on mankind than cell phones.

I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone. They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere. The helicopters work on saving people were it's impossible to save them sometimes (Wars, People who commit a suicide from a high building, and helping them from a fire on a high building. The phone can help on how you call your family, emergency, and services.

The problem with helicopters is that just professional people can drive a helicopter with a license. With the phone a 6 year old kid has a phone and that makes the kids more disrespectful because of what they learn in the phones. Inappropriate things can happen when you have a phone at any kind of age like inappropriate pictures, videos and also the most biggest problem ciberbully that have caused kids commit suicidedation.

Conclusion helicopters in better use for mankind then cell phones.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. The essay begins with a one-sentence introduction, which serves as the thesis statement. However, during the course of the essay, the writer discusses the positive aspects of the cell phone along with the negative aspects of the helicopter, which would contradict the thesis statement. Readers have difficulties understanding the writer’s position on the issue. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone. They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere.” “The problem with helicopters is that just professional people can drive a helicopter with a license. With the phone a 6 year old kid has a phone and that makes the kids more disrespectful because of what they learn in the phones.”)

The essay demonstrates the writer's minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. The writer uses informal language like “kid” and uses “you” when he/she is not addressing the readers, which is occasionally confusing. (“With the phone a 6 year old kid has a phone and that makes the kids more disrespectful because of what they learn in the phones. Inappropriate things can happen when you have a phone at any kind of age like inappropriate pictures, videos and also the most biggest problem ciberbully that have caused kids commit suicidedation.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. There is only one body paragraph devoted to the reasons the helicopter has made an impact on mankind. That paragraph includes arguments for both the cell phone and the helicopter. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone. They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere. The helicopters work on saving people were it's impossible to save them sometimes (Wars, People who commit a suicide from a high building, and helping them from a fire on a high building. The phone can help on how you call your family, emergency, and services.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on helicopters having had more impact on mankind than the cell phone. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, which leaves the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. The body paragraph dedicated to the helicopter contains arguments for both the cell phone and the helicopter. Reasons for the helicopter are not well-defined. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone. They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere. The helicopters work on saving people were it's impossible to save them sometimes (Wars, People who commit a suicide from a high building, and helping them from a fire on a high building. The phone can help on how you call your family, emergency, and services.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Although it is not entirely clear, there may be two reasons supporting the helicopter’s impact on mankind in the second paragraph (help in emergencies and saving people in difficult situations). There is no topic sentence for the paragraph to guide readers through the arguments. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone. They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere. The helicopters work on saving people were it's impossible to save them sometimes (Wars, People who commit a suicide from a high building, and helping them from a fire on a high building. The phone can help on how you call your family, emergency, and services.”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of the impact of helicopters. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone. They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere. The helicopters work on saving people were it's impossible to save them sometimes (Wars, People who commit a suicide from a high building, and helping them from a fire on a high building.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. The comparison of helicopters to cell phones in the second paragraph is repetitive and confusing due to the lack of details provided. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone. They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. The “introduction” is one sentence. (“Helicopters have had a greater impact on mankind than cell phones.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. The third paragraph may have been intended to discuss counterarguments, but this is not clear due to the lack of transitions from the disadvantage of the helicopter to the disadvantages of the cell phone. Readers are left wondering about the writer’s position. (“The problem with helicopters is that just professional people can drive a helicopter with a license. With the phone a 6 year old kid has a phone and that makes the kids more disrespectful because of what they learn in the phones. Inappropriate things can happen when you have a phone at any kind of age like inappropriate pictures, videos and also the most biggest problem ciberbully that have caused kids commit suicidedation.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. The writer does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does he/she tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. The essay is concluded with one sentence that does not summarize any of the reasons for the writer’s position. (“Conclusion helicopters in better use for mankind then cell phones.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals the writer's poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. There is only one sentence that attempts to persuade, which is more of a statement of the writer’s opinion. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone.”)

Sentences in the essay are not structured well. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. Poor sentence structure causes ideas to be jumbled and confusing. (“They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of the helicopter’s impact on mankind. In one paragraph, the writer seems to believe in the helicopter, but in the next, it seems he/she does not. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone.” “The problem with helicopters is that just professional people can drive a helicopter with a license.”)

The writer does not incorporate effective persuasive terms in the essay to convince the readers to support his/her point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover words that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. “I think” is not a convincing way to begin an argument. The writer needs stronger language to present the reasons supporting his/her thesis. (“I think helicopters help the same like if it was a cell phone. They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not show appropriate use of punctuation and capitalization. Many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“They help on emergencies, Helicopters patrol and cell phones they send the messages to the helicopters for some emergency or patrolling somewhere. The helicopters work on saving people were it's impossible to save them sometimes (Wars, People who commit a suicide from a high building, and helping them from a fire on a high building.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Helicopters

Hi did you know that helicopters are so interesting because they can do a lot of of things that something else can't do. Helicopters are big and deadly so people have to be careful about what their doing when flying a helicopter. Well if you like helicopters than you'll like this essay that I'm doing.

Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. There seems to be only one reason for the writer’s position, and there are no details to support the reason. (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. The first line of the essay begins with the salutation, “Hi,” which is not appropriate for a persuasive essay. (“Hi did you know that helicopters are so interesting because they can do a lot of of things that something else can't do.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. There is no thesis statement or indication of the issue to be addressed in the essay. (“Well if you like helicopters than you'll like this essay that I'm doing.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of how cell phones, helicopters, and submarines have impacted mankind. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the writer's stated opinion. There is only one sentence that can be considered a reason for the writer’s position. No details are presented to clarify “any where you want pretty much.” (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.”)

Since the response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented as body paragraphs in the essay. (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. There seems to be only one reason for the writer’s argument, and that reason is combined with the conclusion.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how the helicopter is interesting in the first paragraph and how the helicopter can take a person anywhere (unlike the cell phone). (“Hi did you know that helicopters are so interesting because they can do a lot of of things that something else can't do. Helicopters are big and deadly so people have to be careful about what their doing when flying a helicopter. Well if you like helicopters than you'll like this essay that I'm doing.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The writer attempts to interest readers in the first paragraph, but there is no thesis statement or attempt to grab the readers’ attention. (“Well if you like helicopters than you'll like this essay that I'm doing.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. The entire essay is only two paragraphs long, with neither paragraph containing sufficient detail to support the writer’s position. (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. There is no transition from helicopters being able to do “a lot of things” to helicopters being “big and deadly.” Since there is no thesis statement or background information in the first paragraph, the lack of transitions leaves readers unaware of the purpose of the writing, which is to inform or to persuade. (“Hi did you know that helicopters are so interesting because they can do a lot of of things that something else can't do. Helicopters are big and deadly so people have to be careful about what their doing when flying a helicopter. Well if you like helicopters than you'll like this essay that I'm doing.”)

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion/position/thesis statement of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. There is only one reason to support the writer’s position, and that reason is not presented clearly. (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. The conclusion is one sentence, which follows the one reason supporting the writer’s position. (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the writer's opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. The language used for the one reason supporting the writer’s position contains vague phrases like “pretty much” and “any where.” (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer combines ideas in a confusing manner. (“Hi did you know that helicopters are so interesting because they can do a lot of of things that something else can't do.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer provides readers with little information about his/her position on the issue, and the only counterargument given is incorporated into the reason for the writer’s position. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view, which renders the argument insufficient at best. (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to present a balanced argument about how cell phones, helicopters, or submarines have impacted mankind, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“Helicopters you can go any where you want pretty much but with a cell phone you can't go any where you want. So that's why I thought that helicopters had the biggest impact than cell phones.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates the writer's inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should make sure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. The writer should also ensure that new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks and all words are spelled correctly. (“Hi did you know that helicopters are so interesting because they can do a lot of of things that something else can't do. Helicopters are big and deadly so people have to be careful about what their doing when flying a helicopter.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Military Draft: Pro or Con?

After reading articles discussing the pros and cons of a military draft in the United States, decide which side of the issue you support.

In a multi-paragraph essay, argue whether or not you support a military draft in the United States. Use facts and details from the articles to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"I believe we should have a professional military; it might be smaller but it would be more effective. I'm against the military draft," said Jesse Ventura. Be it resolved that the United States of America have a mandatory war draft? We should definitely not have one. The military draft would only offer 4 things a lunatic would want: terrible injuries, death, protest, and inexperienced soldiers.

A smaller, but more effective military would be more efficient. We should not draft inexperienced soldiers. "Today America's defense institutions are emerging, and in some cases recovering, from more than a decade of sustained conflict while confronting new strategic challenges - and doing so with significantly less resources than the department has had in the past," said Chuck Haggle. Why should we increase the amount of soldiers when what we have is enough? The larger the military, the more it costs. The government must pay for the soldiers' food, living quarters, and weapons. 14.1 million are currently in the lottery; this could cost billions of governmental dollars. Indeed, with the United States of America in a $16 trillion dollar debt, all this would do is put us further down the yawning debtor's hole even more. In its place, the United States of America should have a fiscally sound, limited, but more capable, military.

The military draft can and already has caused many protests for wars such as Vietnam. A current draft could lead to worker strikes, a number of arrests, and civil violence, subsequently resulting in a depressed economy. Certainly, it could even lead to death. During the 1960s, many people dissented, because of the military draft for the Vietnam War. Sources have shown that on October 21, 1967, one of the most prominent anti-war rebellions occurred. Hundreds of thousands of people gathered at the Lincoln Memorial to protest; many of the protesters marched to the Pentagon later that night. After a brutal confrontation of the United States of American Marshals and protesters, hundreds were arrested. Some even died. The famous boxer Muhammad Ali has even been known to protest against the senseless draft and was banned from boxing for three years because of his anti-war beliefs.

There have also been examples where there were poor conditions in which the soldiers have caught terrible diseases in addition to injuries. Research has shown, many fatal wounds - head injuries, broken bones, Traumatic Brain Injury, (TBI) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD) - can easily disrupt daily life and change your life forever. TBI is the major cause of death and disability worldwide. It causes severe physical, social, cognitive, emotional, and behavioral effects. Treatment for Traumatic Brain Injury costs thousands of dollars. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder affects 1 in 5 soldiers; it causes physical and psychological problems. PTSD can also result in horrifying thoughts and flashbacks that keeps one awake, angrier, and hyper vigilant. Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy also known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome is likewise as consternate as these other two symptoms. It is a chronic systemic disease that causes severe pain, swelling, and changes in the skin. Treatment for this syndrome is awfully complicated and very expensive. It involves drugs, physical therapy, scrambler therapy and psychological treatment. Drafting increases the possibility that a larger solider population being affected by these traumas. Moreover, in addition to this terrible disease, there have been many cases of death. Many a son or daughter has died an early death and was unable to continue on his/her life’s path. One father lamented, "My drafted son died in the Vietnam War. He was unable to continue his career in nuclear engineering. I wish there was no draft so he would not have been drafted."

The government is here to ensure the people a free life; forcing someone into a draft is slavery. Sources have shown the Emancipation Proclamation ensured that slavery would be abolished and so did the United States of America's Constitution! In the Emancipation Proclamation it states that all persons held as slaves shall now be free. The military draft prevents this from happening. The United States of America is known as the land of the free and the home of the brave. Having the military draft put in place totally abolishes this cause of the United States of America Constitution's rights and liberties. Everyone knows that even the Secretary of Defense did not even want a draft. The individuals that join the war should be willing to fight, not forced to fight. Furthermore, a draft would lead to a larger military which would cost more and lead to more deaths.

Be it resolved that the United States of America have a mandatory war draft? This would be a terrible idea. The military draft is not logical. It does nothing to help us. All it does is increase our debt and injure or even kill the young men who wanted to live their dreams. "We should not implement the draft. There is no need for it all," said Donald Rumsfeld. The military draft should never be put in place. Why take such a disastrous step? The military draft will have no benefit.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between the text and task through a clearly defined controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and effectively completes all parts of the task, leaving the readers with a clear picture of why the United States should not have a military draft.

The essay engages the readers in the introduction by very effectively illustrating why a military draft should not be reinstated in the United States. (“‘I believe we should have a professional military; it might be smaller but it would be more effective. I'm against the military draft,’ said Jesse Ventura.”) Moreover, the writer utilizes an anti-draft quotation from a well-known actor, politician, and military veteran, Jesse Ventura, to validate his/her assertion that a military draft should not be implemented.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively, by utilizing a historical document to substantiate his/her claim. (“The government is here to ensure the people a free life; forcing someone into a draft is slavery…In the Emancipation Proclamation it states that all persons held as slaves shall now be free. The military draft prevents this from happening.”) The writer argues that a military draft contradicts the emancipation proclamation, thereby comparing a military draft to enslavement of United States citizens.

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The military draft would only offer 4 things a lunatic would want: terrible injuries, death, protest, and inexperienced soldiers.”) In order to create emotional sway concerning the topic, the writer compares supporters of the military draft to lunatics.

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text, using a variety of methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the writer’s stance against a military draft very effectively. (“There have also been examples where there were poor conditions in which the soldiers have caught terrible diseases in addition to injuries. Research has shown, many fatal wounds - head injuries, broken bones, Traumatic Brain Injury, (TBI) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD) - can easily disrupt daily life and change your life forever.”) The writer creates a lengthy list of injuries and syndromes that a drafted solider might encounter in order to overwhelm the readers and support his/her assertion that a draft is detrimental to individuals.

Details and direct quotes from text explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“Many a son or daughter has died an early death and was unable to continue on his/her life’s path. One father lamented, ‘My drafted son died in the Vietnam War. He was unable to continue his career in nuclear engineering. I wish there was no draft so he would not have been drafted.’”) The writer appeals to the audience’s emotions, or pathos, when he/she utilizes the testimony of a draftee’s grieving father to elicit a sense of loss within the readers.

Specific information about the cost of having a military draft is developed very effectively. (“14.1 million are currently in the lottery; this could cost billions of governmental dollars. Indeed, with the United States of America in a $16 trillion dollar debt, all this would do is put us further down the yawning debtor's hole even more. In its place, the United States of America should have a fiscally sound, limited, but more capable, military.”)

Organization

The organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating a quote from a well-known military veteran, politician, and actor. (“‘I believe we should have a professional military; it might be smaller but it would be more effective. I'm against the military draft,’ said Jesse Ventura.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between sentences, creating a sense of flow within the response. (“A current draft could lead to worker strikes, a number of arrests, and civil violence, subsequently resulting in a depressed economy. Certainly, it could even lead to death.”)

The essay’s ending provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“‘We should not implement the draft. There is no need for it all,’ said Donald Rumsfeld. The military draft should never be put in place. Why take such a disastrous step? The military draft will have no benefit.”) The writer mimics the introduction of the essay by utilizing a quote from a famous politician, Donald Rumsfeld, in order to end the response and amplify his/her stance on the military draft.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses patriotic words and phrases, such as “the land of the free and the home of the brave,” to effectively contrast with the writer’s stance on the military draft. (“The United States of America is known as the land of the free and the home of the brave. Having the military draft put in place totally abolishes this cause of the United States of America Constitution's rights and liberties.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Sources have shown that on October 21, 1967, one of the most prominent anti-war rebellions occurred. Hundreds of thousands of people gathered at the Lincoln Memorial to protest; many of the protesters marched to the Pentagon later that night. After a brutal confrontation of the United States of American Marshals and protesters, hundreds were arrested. Some even died.”) The writer creates an ominous mood of impending doom as he/she points to recent fatal events related to the draft, implying that similar disastrous episodes are likely to happen should a military draft be reinstated.

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“Drafting increases the possibility that a larger solider population being affected by these traumas. Moreover, in addition to this terrible disease, there have been many cases of death.”) The author utilizes negative diction such as “death,” “terrible,” “disease,” and “trauma” to reinforce the consequences of a military draft.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“The famous boxer Muhammad Ali has even been known to protest against the senseless draft and was banned from boxing for three years because of his anti-war beliefs.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

All throughout the world, countries' drafts have come and gone. There are reasons why there were drafts. The military will always have enough people to fight for their country, money will be saved from not having to pay for the drafted people, and everyone will have a chance to serve equally. All over the world, countries are preparing for battle. If our nation's military isn't strong enough, we will lose and be humiliated. With a draft, we can ensure the military will always have a sufficient amount of people fighting for out country.

"Between duty to country and duty to self." What does this determine? It means that one should be willing to serve both their country and them self. Being in the military allows one to fight for their family, friends, and loved ones. The Declaration of Independence is, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that all men are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Right, that among these are Life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness." Since the selective service would basically be a shared burden across society, the draft could act as a way to bring people together across country, class, and ethnic boundaries in the name of civic duty.

A benefit of a draft would be reduced military expenses and saved time. While the army would have to pay soldiers more, the costs to feed and equip them would go up, advertising and recruiting costs would nearly vanish. One military publication stated that the Army, Marine Corps and Navy "Doled Out Nearly $640 Million This Year to Meet Enlistment Goals." The military wouldn't have to pay money for advertisement for recruiting people with a draft. The draftees are chosen like a lottery. We have volunteers; from 1.5 million people in 2010 to 64.5 million volunteers in 2012. That is about 21% of the United States population. However, 21% is a small number in comparison to the total population. As long as only the necessary numbers of soldiers are drafted, the money saved on recruiting could lower some military costs. In fact, champions of a military draft say it would be cheaper to train draftees than to train an all-volunteer force. Moreover, the number of people entering the service would be steady because not very many people are willing to serve their country means training could be modernized.

Instead of waiting for the required number of recruits for people to train, the trainers would have draftees entering basic training regularly. Colonel Green said "it would cost twice as much time and money to train volunteers than regularly train draftees." By accomplishing this, the military is able to save money and time.

Ideally, a draft would create a military force that has representatives from all subdivisions of society. The current volunteer army does not accurately represent American society, and it has an important under-representation of women and the upper class. In many people’s beliefs, an ideal draft would change this by taking those who come up in a lottery regardless of their gender (women are currently excluded from the draft) or social standing, which would make the army more representative of American society as a whole.

In the world, there is an abundance of expanding countries. Not only are the little countries growing, but the big ones are too. Those countries will be ready for war, but what about us? Our military may not have enough people willing to fight for our country. With a draft, everybody will have a chance to serve equally and provide a strong enough military to ward off enemies. The people who serve will be honored and cherished by those who love them. We are stronger together as a nation. The military is our country's insurance policy. If one were to loose that, then they will have lost everything.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a bold statement that imparts a sense of urgency to the readers, making war seem imminent and the United States military seem unprepared. (“All throughout the world, countries' drafts have come and gone. There are reasons why there were drafts. The military will always have enough people to fight for their country, money will be saved from not having to pay for the drafted people, and everyone will have a chance to serve equally. All over the world, countries are preparing for battle. If our nation's military isn't strong enough, we will lose and be humiliated. ”)

All of the subtopics used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion that a military draft would be beneficial. (“…one should be willing to serve both their country and them self…A benefit of a draft would be reduced military expenses and saved time… Ideally, a draft would create a military force that has representatives from all subdivisions of society… ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the military draft. (“The military will always have enough people to fight for their country, money will be saved from not having to pay for the drafted people, and everyone will have a chance to serve equally.”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“We have volunteers; from 1.5 million people in 2010 to 64.5 million volunteers in 2012. That is about 21% of the United States population. However, 21% is a small number in comparison to the total population. ”) While the writer acknowledges the view that there are many men and women currently serving in the military, he/she uses statistics to showcase the overall lack of citizen involvement within the armed forces.

The writer includes statistics and explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“One military publication stated that the Army, Marine Corps and Navy ‘Doled Out Nearly $640 Million This Year to Meet Enlistment Goals.’ The military wouldn't have to pay money for advertisement for recruiting people with a draft…As long as only the necessary numbers of soldiers are drafted, the money saved on recruiting could lower some military costs. In fact, champions of a military draft say it would be cheaper to train draftees than to train an all-volunteer force. ”) The writer utilizes a powerful statistic to support his/her argument that a volunteer military costs more than a military draft.

The writer provides comprehensive and well-balanced details. (“The current volunteer army does not accurately represent American society, and it has an important under-representation of women and the upper class. In many people’s beliefs, an ideal draft would change this by taking those who come up in a lottery regardless of their gender (women are currently excluded from the draft) or social standing, which would make the army more representative of American society as a whole. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“The military will always have enough people to fight for their country, money will be saved from not having to pay for the drafted people, and everyone will have a chance to serve equally. ”)

The writer creates an introduction that presents the national and global importance of having a military draft. (“All over the world, countries are preparing for battle. If our nation's military isn't strong enough, we will lose and be humiliated. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Moreover, the number of people entering the service would be steady because not very many people are willing to serve their country means training could be modernized. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“In the world, there is an abundance of expanding countries. Not only are the little countries growing, but the big ones are too. Those countries will be ready for war, but what about us? Our military may not have enough people willing to fight for our country. With a draft, everybody will have a chance to serve equally and provide a strong enough military to ward off enemies. The people who serve will be honored and cherished by those who love them. We are stronger together as a nation. The military is our country's insurance policy. If one were to loose that, then they will have lost everything. ”) The writer not only supports a military draft; at the closing of the response, he/she encourages readers to serve in the military by stating that those who serve in the armed forces are “cherished” and “honored.”

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“The Declaration of Independence is, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that all men are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Right, that among these are Life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.’ Since the selective service would basically be a shared burden across society, the draft could act as a way to bring people together across country, class, and ethnic boundaries in the name of civic duty. ”) The writer utilizes the Declaration of Independence to create a mood of unity and patriotism concerning the military draft in order to sway readers toward his/her stance.

The writer uses a variety of short and long sentences to keep the readers engaged in his/her response. (“There are reasons why there were drafts. The military will always have enough people to fight for their country, money will be saved from not having to pay for the drafted people, and everyone will have a chance to serve equally. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view that a military draft is necessary and a civic responsibility. (“‘Between duty to country and duty to self.’ What does this determine? It means that one should be willing to serve both their country and them self. Being in the military allows one to fight for their family, friends, and loved ones. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

You come home from a long day at school when you see a small letter on the counter. You open it, and fall into a state of shock; you have been drafted into the military by means of lottery. The military awaits your service. Soon all your belongings are packed and you say goodbye to family and friends and head to the airport.

This is basically a summary of what would happen during a military draft. If it were you, what would you think? Some disagree with the terms of choosing a draft, while others believe it is a necessity. A draft, or conscription, is when the military gives young adults, 18 through 26 years of age, a chance to serve in their current war. They give the adults a number, and if they pick their number for service, they must serve in the military for a certain amount of time. I believe military drafts are very helpful and important to our country.

Military drafts give our troops enough men, and women, to fight their current war. If they didn't have enough soldiers, our country would not be ready to fight on such circumstances. Our nation needs more proud soldiers ready to fight for the freedom of the USA. It provides strong people for our nation's forces. It gives people hope that we will always be free with the protection those men and women cast over our country.

We, as citizens of the USA, have the responsibility to serve for our country. We have taken the dignity to serve our nation and create peace. As the preamble of the constitution states, "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, to secure the blessings of liberty, to ourselves and our posterity. Do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America." We are a free country, and a draft would secure that freedom to fight for our nation. Conscription would help the public feel, and be, safe. Our able-bodied men and women have the right to volunteer, but a draft gathers more people.

A draft gives everyone the right to serve in the war. Some people might feel they need a way to contribute to our public, and a draft provides just that. Others feel they want to serve in the military, and conscription gives people the option, but overall, and military draft gives every man and women, no discriminations, the right to fight for freedom. That is what a draft is about, giving everyone a chance, like it or not.

Others disagree with a military conscription, which is understandable. Some people may not be suited for daily life as a soldier. Others may not even support the war they have been chosen to serve. Maybe they aren't well-handled to face the death of others, but think about this. Consider the Civil War, or the Revolutionary War? Think about the men and women who fought for freedom, just because they knew it mattered. Look back to the Civil War. People fought with family because they knew it was the right thing for slaves to be free and have their own rights. Maybe even think about those whose minds were changed about what they were fighting for, or those who opposed fighting but knew it was worth their effort. Think about those who died knowing they made a difference. It doesn't seem fair they had to and you don't, but you’re thinking is shared by many others.

In conclusion, I believe the draft would be helpful for our countries military. Hopefully the reasons I gave you will help you decide what you think is the best thing to do. If the draft were to be brought back, over 14.1 million men and women would be legible for military service. While opposing the draft is reasonable, I still think the draft is a powerful matter for liberty.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about the military draft and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I believe military drafts are very helpful and important to our country.”) He/she strengthens the focus of the response by creating an arguable assertion.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion that a military draft should be used within the United States. (“We, as citizens of the USA, have the responsibility to serve for our country. We have taken the dignity to serve our nation and create peace. As the preamble of the constitution states, ‘We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, to secure the blessings of liberty, to ourselves and our posterity. Do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.’ We are a free country, and a draft would secure that freedom to fight for our nation.”) The writer supports his/her focus by providing salient historical context that supports the assertion.

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Our nation needs more proud soldiers ready to fight for the freedom of the USA. It provides strong people for our nation's forces. It gives people hope that we will always be free with the protection those men and women cast over our country.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details, such as statistics, support the argument for reinstating a military draft. (“I believe the draft would be helpful for our countries military. Hopefully the reasons I gave you will help you decide what you think is the best thing to do. If the draft were to be brought back, over 14.1 million men and women would be legible for military service.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“A draft, or conscription, is when the military gives young adults, 18 through 26 years of age, a chance to serve in their current war. They give the adults a number, and if they pick their number for service, they must serve in the military for a certain amount of time. I believe military drafts are very helpful and important to our country. Military drafts give our troops enough men, and women, to fight their current war.”) The writer provides background information on the topic in order to substantiate his/her credibility on the issue.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Others disagree with a military conscription, which is understandable. Some people may not be suited for daily life as a soldier. Others may not even support the war they have been chosen to serve. Maybe they aren't well-handled to face the death of others, but think about this. Consider the Civil War, or the Revolutionary War? Think about the men and women who fought for freedom, just because they knew it mattered. Look back to the Civil War. People fought with family because they knew it was the right thing for slaves to be free and have their own rights. Maybe even think about those whose minds were changed about what they were fighting for, or those who opposed fighting but knew it was worth their effort. Think about those who died knowing they made a difference.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention by creating a scenario readers can picture themselves in. (“You come home from a long day at school when you see a small letter on the counter. You open it, and fall into a state of shock; you have been drafted into the military by means of lottery. The military awaits your service. Soon all your belongings are packed and you say goodbye to family and friends and head to the airport.”)

There is a lack of transitional words and phrases within the response, such as “despite,” “consequently,” and “on the contrary.” The writer should attempt to incorporate more transitions within the essay, which would help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Others feel they want to serve in the military, and conscription gives people the option, but overall, and military draft gives every man and women, no discriminations, the right to fight for freedom. That is what a draft is about, giving everyone a chance, like it or not. Others disagree with a military conscription, which is understandable.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument by restating his/her beliefs on the topic (“In conclusion, I believe the draft would be helpful for our countries military.”) and providing readers with a powerful statement to think about (“I still think the draft is a powerful matter for liberty.”).

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied, which will keep the readers engaged. (“We have taken the dignity to serve our nation and create peace. As the preamble of the constitution states, ‘We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, to secure the blessings of liberty, to ourselves and our posterity. Do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.’ We are a free country, and a draft would secure that freedom to fight for our nation.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes historical context for supporting the draft. (“Consider the Civil War, or the Revolutionary War? Think about the men and women who fought for freedom, just because they knew it mattered. Look back to the Civil War. People fought with family because they knew it was the right thing for slaves to be free and have their own rights.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“Others feel they want to serve in the military, and conscription gives people the option, but overall, and military draft gives every man and women, no discriminations, the right to fight for freedom. That is what a draft is about, giving everyone a chance, like it or not.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“Others may not even support the war they have been chosen to serve. Maybe they aren't well-handled to face the death of others, but think about this. Consider the Civil War, or the Revolutionary War?”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that you shouldnt have a draft because you should be able to choose if you want to go work in the army or not.

Because its your life and its your decision and if something bad happens that is bad and you need to fix it but instead they call you in to work for the army and then you cant do what you had or wanted to do. A 17 teen year old senior named Norma Erosa said "It is scary getting kids to understand that some people could die in the military if nacessary," and and a 17 teen year old named Ross Ferguson said that he is ready to fight, so lots of different people have lots of different decisions some people arent scared and some people are scared to go to the army.

I belive that if you want to go into the army you should but if not you shouldnt you shouldnt have to, and because America is a free country and in america your suposed to make your own decisions in life, and if people dont want to fight they shouldnt have to.

some people dont want to go for the risk that they might die, or get badly injured. Some people might not like the thought of having to have a draft, because sometimes they have to leave their family behind and not see them for a very long time, maybe several moths of even years but sometimes it could probably be much longer.

some people probably dont want to go to the army because maybe if one of their family members had a draft and had to go into the army and they got killed maybe that makes them so scared that they dont like the thought of having a draft and that they might get killed too, or get injured.

their was a king named King Gustavus, Adulphus of sweden, conscripted men to fight thirty years of war, in 1618-1648, the french began conscripted during the french revolution, in 1789-1799, and later on Napoleon drafted huge armies for his conquests. We don’t need to do that now.

countries involved in world war one, in 1914-1918, these countries were, Austria-Hungary, France, Germany, and Russia. The United Kingdom, and The United States started conscripting men in later during the war because they had to. While world was two, in 1938-1945, all the warring countries used mass conscription. A lot of the countries of Latin America, Southeast Asia, The Middle East, and Northern Europe still depend on a draft to supply or to supplement their armed forces.

We shouldn’t have a draft, we dont need too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion, p osition, or thesis statement on the argument of having a military draft but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion, position, or thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I think that you shouldnt have a draft because you should be able to choose if you want to go work in the army or not.”) The writer states his/her point of view but does so in a very basic way. The topics that he or she will elaborate on the thesis statement are not identified.

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Because its your life and its your decision and if something bad happens that is bad and you need to fix it but instead they call you in to work for the army and then you cant do what you had or wanted to do. ”) Although the writer starts to present a reason for not supporting a military draft, the reasoning becomes confused through faulty “what if” logic, thereby making the response limited.

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers’ concerns through the use of antiquated historical use of conscription, but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer’s point of view. (“…in 1618-1648, the french began conscripted during the french revolution, in 1789-1799, and later on Napoleon drafted huge armies for his conquests. We don’t need to do that now.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument against a military draft. The writer attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, but he/she does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“While world was two, in 1938-1945, all the warring countries used mass conscription. A lot of the countries of Latin America, Southeast Asia, The Middle East, and Northern Europe still depend on a draft to supply or to supplement their armed forces. We shouldn’t have a draft, we dont need too. ”) Although the writer addresses the historical and modern use of a draft, he/she does sufficiently offer a rebuttal to the evidence presented.

The writer includes a personal reason that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. (“I belive that if you want to go into the army you should but if not you shouldnt you shouldnt have to, and because America is a free country and in america your suposed to make your own decisions in life, and if people dont want to fight they shouldnt have to. ”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for disagreeing with a military draft, it is not an effective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for disagreeing with a military draft, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“A 17 teen year old senior named Norma Erosa said ‘It is scary getting kids to understand that some people could die in the military if nacessary,’ and and a 17 teen year old named Ross Ferguson said that he is ready to fight, so lots of different people have lots of different decisions some people arent scared and some people are scared to go to the army.”) The writer attempts to use student testimony to support his/her stance, but the support is weakened by the repetition found within the statements.

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates use of paragraphing but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an opinion about the topic. (“I think that you shouldnt have a draft because you should be able to choose if you want to go work in the army or not.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may understand how paragraphs and sentences are connected. (“some people probably dont want to go to the army because maybe if one of their family members had a draft and had to go into the army and they got killed maybe that makes them so scared that they dont like the thought of having a draft and that they might get killed too, or get injured. their was a king named King Gustavus, Adulphus of sweden, conscripted men to fight thirty years of war, in 1618-1648, the french began conscripted during the french revolution, in 1789-1799, and later on Napoleon drafted huge armies for his conquests. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay response. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice. However, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases, such as “you shouldn’t,” to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“…you shouldnt you shouldnt have to, and because America is a free country and in america your suposed to make your own decisions in life, and if people dont want to fight they shouldnt have to. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay response. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“some people probably dont want to go to the army because maybe if one of their family members had a draft and had to go into the army and they got killed maybe that makes them so scared that they dont like the thought of having a draft and that they might get killed too, or get injured. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “some.” (“some people dont want to go for the risk that they might die, or get badly injured. Some people might not like the thought of having to have a draft…some people probably dont want to go to the army… ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“I belive that if you want to go into the army you should but if not you shouldnt you shouldnt have to, and because America is a free country and in america your suposed to make your own decisions in life, and if people dont want to fight they shouldnt have to.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I do not agree to the draft. The draft is cruel.

I would not want to allow my family to leave for the military without decision i think we should have our own choice. think bout when we have our own decision. not doin it would help keeps families together and save lives. so basically, I'm saying it would be unfair that the military suddenly puts you into the wars. besides, it's a free country, isn't it?

I think it would be better if we didn't have a draft (in which we don't). this is because exactlie when you turn 18 years old, your name gets put into the military. And soon, out of nowhere, you're in the military. There is no choice. There's nothing. Your in the military; there's no going back. So either you die or live. i think it's really depressing.

I think that it should only allow males/men to participated in the military.

These are the reasons why I am dis-agreeing with the draft.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or argument about the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. (“I do not agree to the draft. The draft is cruel… I think that it should only allow males/men to participated in the military.”) Sentences such as, “I think that it should only allow males/men to participated in the military,” contradict the writer’s minimal thesis statement that he/she “do(es) not agree with the draft.”

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal language to address the intended the readers. (“think bout when we have our own decision. not doin it would help keeps families together and save lives.”) Colloquial language such as “bout” and “doin” detracts from the formality and objectivity of response.

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“…I'm saying it would be unfair that the military suddenly puts you into the wars. besides, it's a free country, isn't it?”) The attempts to address the subtopics are connected to the central or controlling idea; however, since the ideas are not fleshed out, the response seems unfocused.

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on reinstating the draft. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“I do not agree to the draft…I think that it should only allow males/men to participated in the military.”) The writer contradicts his/her thesis statement by stating that he/she does not agree with the draft, then states that men should be allowed to participate in the military.

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“I would not want to allow my family to leave for the military without decision i think we should have our own choice. think bout when we have our own decision. not doin it would help keeps families together and save lives.”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of reinstating the draft. (“I think that it should only allow males/men to participated in the military.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I do not agree to the draft. The draft is cruel.”) The writer states an opinion in his/her opening statement but should try to capture the readers’ attention by using a quotation, an engaging question, or a strong statement about the topic.

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. (“…it's a free country, isn't it?…when you turn 18 years old, your name gets put into the military. And soon, out of nowhere, you're in the military.”) The organization of the response is stilted, without a sense of connection between sentences and paragraphs.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. Although the writer restates his/her opinion, the response does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“These are the reasons why I am dis-agreeing with the draft.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively. (“this is because exactlie when you turn 18 years old, your name gets put into the military. And soon, out of nowhere, you're in the military. There is no choice. There's nothing.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“There is no choice. There's nothing. Your in the military; there's no going back. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear, objective, and formal voice that emphasizes his/her position that argues against the reinstatement of the draft. (“I think it would be better if we didn't have a draft (in which we don't).”) He/she should avoid using parentheses, dashes, and exclamation points within his/her response since it diminishes the formal quality of the writing.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think, the goverment shouldn't do the draft because the government will choose peoples future, families will be sadd and moms will have to work and all of the kids will have to stay all alone at home and some one could kidnap all the kids because they will know all kids are all alone.

And somebody in a wars could lose a leg or an arm or that person could even dye because of a bomb and that person wife will be a widow and if they have kids they won't have a father if he dies or sad because he lost a arm or leg.

Wouldn't you be mad if you were in the draft what if you were the one who lost a arm or leg.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers that a military draft is wrong. The writer merely focuses on the physical consequences of sending an individual into a war zone. (“And somebody in a wars could lose a leg or an arm or that person could even dye because of a bomb and that person wife will be a widow and if they have kids they won't have a father if he dies or sad because he lost a arm or leg.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language to convey his/her understanding of the central idea. (“I think, the goverment shouldn't do the draft because the government will choose peoples future, families will be sadd and moms will have to work and all of the kids will have to stay all alone at home and some one could kidnap all the kids because they will know all kids are all alone.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay is identified, but the mentioned topic sentences are unfocused within the response. (“I think, the goverment shouldn't do the draft because the government will choose peoples future, families will be sadd and moms will have to work and all of the kids will have to stay all alone at home and some one could kidnap all the kids because they will know all kids are all alone.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue having a military draft. The essay does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“Wouldn't you be mad if you were in the draft what if you were the one who lost a arm or leg. ”) Rather, the writer poses a rhetorical question to the reader that leaves the response unfinished.

Since the response is so brief, there are inadequate ideas in the body paragraphs that help readers to understand the point of view outlined in the thesis statement. (“I think, the goverment shouldn't do the draft because the government will choose peoples future, families will be sadd and moms will have to work and all of the kids will have to stay all alone at home and some one could kidnap all the kids because they will know all kids are all alone. ”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states a number of extreme scenarios that could occur in the midst of a war zone. (“And somebody in a wars could lose a leg or an arm or that person could even dye because of a bomb and that person wife will be a widow and if they have kids they won't have a father if he dies or sad because he lost a arm or leg. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think, the goverment shouldn't do the draft because the government will choose peoples future, families will be sadd and moms will have to work and all of the kids will have to stay all alone at home and some one could kidnap all the kids because they will know all kids are all alone.”)

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The essay response is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“And somebody in a wars could lose a leg or an arm or that person could even dye because of a bomb and that person wife will be a widow and if they have kids they won't have a father if he dies or sad because he lost a arm or leg.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“Wouldn't you be mad if you were in the draft what if you were the one who lost a arm or leg.”) Although the writer does pose a rhetorical question to his/her readers, the overall response is so brief that the essay feels unfinished.

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“And somebody in a wars could lose a leg or an arm or that person could even dye because of a bomb and that person wife will be a widow and if they have kids they won't have a father if he dies or sad because he lost a arm or leg. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Wouldn't you be mad if you were in the draft what if you were the one who lost a arm or leg.”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade the readers to agree with a military draft, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“I think, the goverment shouldn't do the draft because the government will choose peoples future, families will be sadd and moms will have to work and all of the kids will have to stay all alone at home and some one could kidnap all the kids because they will know all kids are all alone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each new paragraph is indicated with the use of line breaks, and that the correct spelling of words is checked. (“I think, the goverment shouldn't do the draft because the government will choose peoples future, families will be sadd and moms will have to work and all of the kids will have to stay all alone at home and some one could kidnap all the kids because they will know all kids are all alone.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Nonviolence During the Civil Rights Movement of 1960

Imagine you are part of a group of African American college students in Alabama in the 1960s. In support of the civil rights movement, your group has decided to practice nonviolent protests. You have been harassed at lunch counters, physically kept from attending classes, sprayed with fire hoses, and attacked by police dogs. Some members of your group do not feel that nonviolence is working and are ready to defend themselves the next time they are physically attacked. Others, however, believe that the principles of nonviolence must be followed or the movement will fail.

You are given the deciding vote on whether or not to continue using nonviolence. In a multi-paragraph letter to the editor of the college newspaper, explain your vote, showing that you understand the opposing argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor,

It has come to my attention that an issue has been brought forth about whether or not we are to stop our peaceful protesting, and begin to start a war with our fellow Americans. I have heard many say that we should fight fire with fire and lay siege on the light-skinned population of our homeland, and it seems to be outweighing the wishes of those who are adamant about remaining civilized human beings. Albeit, I ask, what happens when we do begin to provoke attacks? What happens when we beat them down with whatever we can find, whether it be words or sticks or guns? That is not honorable, and it is just proving to the whites that what they have made us out to be-villains-is the correct assumption. Do we want them to laugh at us and say that we truly are just lowly mutts? Or can we show them the error of their ways without causing more to lose their lives? Hear me now. We do not have to flaunt our brawn to be strong. We only have to stand together.

When I was younger, I knew very well that things were unfair in America for us blacks. As I grew older, the mistreatment became more and more apparent. It began to get violent, and dangerous weapons were involved rather than jeers and taunts. However, never once did I feel like I had to return the "favor" they had so graciously granted us. One must understand that, that is exactly what the whites want. They have a flame of desire to get us "colored" folk in trouble, and it always, always burns. If we attack them with the same hungriness and anger that they are using against us, like most of the protesters want to do now, what will happen? I was not merely saying that a war would begin for no reason. I understand that the people are frustrated, and when you are frustrated the thing you want to do the most is just tear the world apart with your bare hands, but realize that it will get you nowhere. The whites are strong, and they are every bit as determined as we are to defeat the other side. There will be much death and much hurting. Nobody wants to be the one responsible for slaughtering men, let alone even one man. If we remain peaceful, at least we will retain our dignity and our pride as black Americans. Acting like wild animals who have contracted rabies shall only bring us one step closer to our demise, and it will take us one step back in time, to when the world was even more separate than it is now.

The way the world was in these lands not too long ago is a place that we do not want to be. Is that not the sole purpose behind our decision to protest along with the other brave Americans that have walked before us? We made a decision in our group that we would remain calm, collected, and focused on the true goal of our marches no matter what happened. We jumped straight into this crisis under the knowledge that it was going to be hard, but we pledged to keep our faith and unwavering strength. Who are we to say that we have kept that promise if we fight with violence? Protesting in such a way only proves that we are cowards, and only shows that we are just like the terrible white people who remain against us. I am aware that protesters believe that the only way to earn the respect for our race is to show the unruly whites that we are superior to them in the sense that we can physically wound them in worse ways than they can hurt us. But, stop to think a moment. Has provoking fear and hatred of the superior ever given anyone the freedom to truly live? Has it ever made a single soul feel complete to know that they won their respect from the values of the devil? No. If we are to succeed in this battle, we must remain under the influence of the great God, whose love can heal. Love is the only way to do it.

We are already criminals in the minds of the people around us. We are full of hatred, rage, jealousy, and anger. We are lowly and dishonorable and just flat out disgusting rats that infect the streets they walk upon. Albeit, we know we are not. We are a proud race, no matter how much they attempt to destroy our self-confidence. We know that we are just as good as they are in every way, shape, and form. So why should we contradict what we know to be the truth with violence? The only way this world can function is with love. Love is the only way families grow, and the only way friends are made. It is the only way to pull together the nation we are a part of as well. In contrast, hate is the only way this world can be destroyed. Hate is the only way families are torn apart from the inside, and the only way that enemies are made. It is the only way to pull our nation apart, back to where it used to be during the times of the civil war. Do we want that? Do we want it? Violence and hatred go hand in hand with one another; we do not need to use either. Peace and kindness are all we need. They will learn one day.

Yes, fellow colleagues, I understand you are angry and you are tired of everything that has been thrown upon you, and you are sick of the things that are shattering your already crippled lives, but I also understand that we have to remain human in order to win this. We can cry, we can fight, and we can scream and shout and tell the world that everything about it is just inhumane and unfair, but it won't do us any good. The whites' opinion of us will remain the same; we will never get equal treatment, and we will never be free. However, if we can slowly, slowly influence them into understanding that we are not just untamed beasts roaming their territory, and that we too have emotion and feeling, we can succeed. Nobody ever said that gaining our fair treatment would be easy-or fast, for that matter. But our job as Americans is to improve the society little by little, one step at a time, without losing control. We can do it. I know we can. Be we cannot stand divided, and we cannot bring forth the wrath of our hatred. Love is the only way to solve our problems. It always has been, and it always will.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“I have heard many say that we should fight fire with fire and lay siege on the light-skinned population of our homeland, and it seems to be outweighing the wishes of those who are adamant about remaining civilized human beings.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Albeit, I ask, what happens when we do begin to provoke attacks? What happens when we beat them down with whatever we can find, whether it be words or sticks or guns? That is not honorable, and it is just proving to the whites that what they have made us out to be-villains-is the correct assumption. Do we want them to laugh at us and say that we truly are just lowly mutts? Or can we show them the error of their ways without causing more to lose their lives? Hear me now. We do not have to flaunt our brawn to be strong. We only have to stand together.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that his/her group of African American college students should continue nonviolence during the Civil Rights movement. (“The way the world was in these lands not too long ago is a place that we do not want to be. Is that not the sole purpose behind our decision to protest along with the other brave Americans that have walked before us? We made a decision in our group that we would remain calm, collected, and focused on the true goal of our marches no matter what happened. We jumped straight into this crisis under the knowledge that it was going to be hard, but we pledged to keep our faith and unwavering strength.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of continuing the use of nonviolence. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Yes, fellow colleagues, I understand you are angry and you are tired of everything that has been thrown upon you, and you are sick of the things that are shattering your already crippled lives, but I also understand that we have to remain human in order to win this. We can cry, we can fight, and we can scream and shout and tell the world that everything about it is just inhumane and unfair, but it won't do us any good.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“When I was younger, I knew very well that things were unfair in America for us blacks. As I grew older, the mistreatment became more and more apparent. It began to get violent, and dangerous weapons were involved rather than jeers and taunts. However, never once did I feel like I had to return the ‘favor’ they had so graciously granted us. One must understand that, that is exactly what the whites want. They have a flame of desire to get us ‘colored’ folk in trouble, and it always, always burns. If we attack them with the same hungriness and anger that they are using against us, like most of the protesters want to do now, what will happen? I was not merely saying that a war would begin for no reason.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to the readers. (“I am aware that protesters believe that the only way to earn the respect for our race is to show the unruly whites that we are superior to them in the sense that we can physically wound them in worse ways than they can hurt us. But, stop to think a moment. Has provoking fear and hatred of the superior ever given anyone the freedom to truly live? Has it ever made a single soul feel complete to know that they won their respect from the values of the devil? No. If we are to succeed in this battle, we must remain under the influence of the great God, whose love can heal. Love is the only way to do it.”) The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“It has come to my attention that an issue has been brought forth about whether or not we are to stop our peaceful protesting, and begin to start a war with our fellow Americans. I have heard many say that we should fight fire with fire and lay siege on the light-skinned population of our homeland, and it seems to be outweighing the wishes of those who are adamant about remaining civilized human beings. Albeit, I ask, what happens when we do begin to provoke attacks? What happens when we beat them down with whatever we can find, whether it be words or sticks or guns? That is not honorable, and it is just proving to the whites that what they have made us out to be-villains-is the correct assumption.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “when,” “however,” “arguably,” and “but” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“When I was younger, I knew very well that things were unfair in America for us blacks. As I grew older, the mistreatment became more and more apparent. It began to get violent, and dangerous weapons were involved rather than jeers and taunts. However, never once did I feel like I had to return the ‘favor’ they had so graciously granted us.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“Yes, fellow colleagues, I understand you are angry and you are tired of everything that has been thrown upon you, and you are sick of the things that are shattering your already crippled lives, but I also understand that we have to remain human in order to win this. We can cry, we can fight, and we can scream and shout and tell the world that everything about it is just inhumane and unfair, but it won't do us any good. The whites' opinion of us will remain the same; we will never get equal treatment, and we will never be free. However, if we can slowly, slowly influence them into understanding that we are not just untamed beasts roaming their territory, and that we too have emotion and feeling, we can succeed. Nobody ever said that gaining our fair treatment would be easy-or fast, for that matter. But our job as Americans is to improve the society little by little, one step at a time, without losing control. We can do it. I know we can. Be we cannot stand divided, and we cannot bring forth the wrath of our hatred. Love is the only way to solve our problems. It always has been, and it always will.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“We are already criminals in the minds of the people around us. We are full of hatred, rage, jealousy, and anger. We are lowly and dishonorable and just flat out disgusting rats that infect the streets they walk upon. Albeit, we know we are not. We are a proud race, no matter how much they attempt to destroy our self-confidence. We know that we are just as good as they are in every way, shape, and form. So why should we contradict what we know to be the truth with violence? The only way this world can function is with love.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Albeit, I ask, what happens when we do begin to provoke attacks? What happens when we beat them down with whatever we can find, whether it be words or sticks or guns? That is not honorable, and it is just proving to the whites that what they have made us out to be-villains-is the correct assumption. Do we want them to laugh at us and say that we truly are just lowly mutts? Or can we show them the error of their ways without causing more to lose their lives?”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“We made a decision in our group that we would remain calm, collected, and focused on the true goal of our marches no matter what happened. We jumped straight into this crisis under the knowledge that it was going to be hard, but we pledged to keep our faith and unwavering strength. Who are we to say that we have kept that promise if we fight with violence? Protesting in such a way only proves that we are cowards, and only shows that we are just like the terrible white people who remain against us. I am aware that protesters believe that the only way to earn the respect for our race is to show the unruly whites that we are superior to them in the sense that we can physically wound them in worse ways than they can hurt us.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“When I was younger, I knew very well that things were unfair in America for us blacks. As I grew older, the mistreatment became more and more apparent. It began to get violent, and dangerous weapons were involved rather than jeers and taunts. However, never once did I feel like I had to return the ‘favor’ they had so graciously granted us. One must understand that, that is exactly what the whites want. They have a flame of desire to get us ‘colored’ folk in trouble, and it always, always burns. If we attack them with the same hungriness and anger that they are using against us, like most of the protesters want to do now, what will happen?”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Civil disobedience is one resisting or protesting for something they strongly believe in, usually nonviolently. Methods that we have used to resist segregation have been boycotts, marches, and sit-ins. I understand the concerns that we've been having lately over violence or nonviolence. Lately, there's been group members not wanting to resist in peace anymore; these members believe it's not working. They feel that we should act with violence instead, and think that perhaps that will gain more attention and end segregation quickly. I believe that this is wrong and that we should continue what we have been doing, for it will be worth it in the end.

First, I'd like to state that violence would result in us fighting back when we are harassed and attacked, as we have already been, and will change the group's outlook. True, this action will attract more attention and quickly as well from the rest of America. If we fight back, we might also earn respect from the people who have looked down on us from before. Furthermore, it is a natural human instinct for us to hit back when hit. I'm sure these certain members that want to change their ways of nonviolence are fed up with holding back their anger and instincts to defend themselves against those who assault them. One shouldn't hold back so much anger and for good reason: it will cause emotional instability.

However, nonviolence is a path that we must choose if we want this movement to work. Especially since we started it with nonviolence; we should end it the same way. It is a way that many strong, powerful leaders have showed when doing a movement such as this one. To succeed, we need to hang in there and fight our natural instinct. So far, we've proven ourselves with previous methods of civil disobedience led by leaders like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and they've worked over time. Also, these actions will show the true noble courage and willpower that we African Americans have inside of us.

In addition, the differences between continuing the Civil Rights Movement nonviolently or starting fresh violently are huge. Even if both have the possibility of ending segregation, they are both different. Violence may help us immediately and give us instant relief, but, consequently, it will not be good in the end. Violence will earn us much less respect than nonviolence. It might even start another civil war. Respect will be earned with patience and willpower, and we will send a good and honest message to the world about our people.

In conclusion, I end by saying that we need to continue with our boycotts, marches, and sit-ins. These methods will take longer than fighting and battling violently, but it will truly be worth it in the end. I strongly advise that others listen to both reasoning and pick a side that they think will help us all in the end. I hope my vote makes a difference in how the world will see us and how we will see the world after these movement finally ends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a fact. (“Civil disobedience is one resisting or protesting for something they strongly believe in, usually nonviolently. Methods that we have used to resist segregation have been boycotts, marches, and sit-ins. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“However, nonviolence is a path that we must choose if we want this movement to work. Especially since we started it with nonviolence; we should end it the same way. It is a way that many strong, powerful leaders have showed when doing a movement such as this one. To succeed, we need to hang in there and fight our natural instinct. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“They feel that we should act with violence instead, and think that perhaps that will gain more attention and end segregation quickly. I believe that this is wrong and that we should continue what we have been doing, for it will be worth it in the end. ”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on using nonviolent forms of protest. (“First, I'd like to state that violence would result in us fighting back when we are harassed and attacked, as we have already been, and will change the group's outlook. True, this action will attract more attention and quickly as well from the rest of America. If we fight back, we might also earn respect from the people who have looked down on us from before. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“So far, we've proven ourselves with previous methods of civil disobedience led by leaders like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and they've worked over time. Also, these actions will show the true noble courage and willpower that we African Americans have inside of us. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“In addition, the differences between continuing the Civil Rights Movement nonviolently or starting fresh violently are huge. Even if both have the possibility of ending segregation, they are both different. Violence may help us immediately and give us instant relief, but, consequently, it will not be good in the end. Violence will earn us much less respect than nonviolence. It might even start another civil war. Respect will be earned with patience and willpower, and we will send a good and honest message to the world about our people. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“They feel that we should act with violence instead, and think that perhaps that will gain more attention and end segregation quickly. I believe that this is wrong and that we should continue what we have been doing, for it will be worth it in the end. ”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help the readers understand the issue. (“Civil disobedience is one resisting or protesting for something they strongly believe in, usually nonviolently. Methods that we have used to resist segregation have been boycotts, marches, and sit-ins. I understand the concerns that we've been having lately over violence or nonviolence. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, I end by saying that we need to continue with our boycotts, marches, and sit-ins. These methods will take longer than fighting and battling violently, but it will truly be worth it in the end. I strongly advise that others listen to both reasoning and pick a side that they think will help us all in the end. I hope my vote makes a difference in how the world will see us and how we will see the world after these movement finally ends.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“However, nonviolence is a path that we must choose if we want this movement to work. Especially since we started it with nonviolence; we should end it the same way. It is a way that many strong, powerful leaders have showed when doing a movement such as this one. To succeed, we need to hang in there and fight our natural instinct. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Violence may help us immediately and give us instant relief, but, consequently, it will not be good in the end. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“In addition, the differences between continuing the Civil Rights Movement nonviolently or starting fresh violently are huge. Even if both have the possibility of ending segregation, they are both different. Violence may help us immediately and give us instant relief, but, consequently, it will not be good in the end. Violence will earn us much less respect than nonviolence. It might even start another civil war. Respect will be earned with patience and willpower, and we will send a good and honest message to the world about our people. ”) Use of c oherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“So far, we've proven ourselves with previous methods of civil disobedience led by leaders like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and they've worked over time. Also, these actions will show the true noble courage and willpower that we African Americans have inside of us. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear editor,

In my opinion I think that my group should stick with nonviolence. The reason why my people are going crazy is because the other people won’t stop attacking us. I think that my groups should stick with nonviolence and act as if we were pacifists. My reasons for this are that violence never ends well, kill people with kindness, and if we don't commit to it then our movement might fail. We try not to believe in violence as much as we can.

Violence is never good, because when people use violence then they get hurt. We have been hurt and harassed for as long as I can remember, and we are tired of it. I hope this movement works, because we don't want separation between the whites and the African Americans. Some of our members think that we should use violence, but I talk them out of it sometimes. When some people fight they get into it as if they were killing someone for a real reason, but they attack us for no reason. The best way to kill someone is with kindness, and being respectful even if they don't treat you the way they want to be treated.

Kindness and respect are the best way to kill someone, and it's classier. I say that we work our hardest at it and see where it takes us. It might even end the movement, and we will be able to do whatever is needed. Being an African American in college with no rights is tough enough, and now we have to deal with being harassed at lunch counters and attacked by guard dogs. Even though we are a different race doesn't mean we should be treated differently then the other races. African Americans get in trouble for no reason at all, especially if we didn't do it they blame it on us. This to me doesn't seem like respect, or us having "equal" rights like everybody else in this country. If our race doesn't give it all they've got then this movement might have a very bad ending.

Everyone says our movement is going to end. But I say that if we work hard enough at it then we might just put an end to this kind of discrimination. Some people in our group say we should fight, and some say we should keep our peace and have nonviolent protests, and like I said before I agree with nonviolent protests. This movement is very important to us, and we try to hold our ground, and see if it works out. No,they say, they give us that answer and that answer only it isn't fair to us, because we don't fight we just take it. They still don't listen, or understand what we have to say us blacks have feelings also. We take it like everyone else does in this cruel world. Then maybe they will listen to us, and consider to stop being this way. Only immature people fight and argue like this. We are grown and mature people now, so let's act like it.

In conclusion, my opinion is very important. I think violence isn't right and that it should stop. Killing people with kindness is much better then physically doing it. Everyone says our movement will end, but I don't think it will, we could get through all the torture and still be alive.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement on continuing the use of nonviolent protests and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I think that my groups should stick with nonviolence and act as if we were pacifists.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Kindness and respect are the best way to kill someone, and it's classier. I say that we work our hardest at it and see where it takes us. It might even end the movement, and we will be able to do whatever is needed.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Everyone says our movement is going to end. But I say that if we work hard enough at it then we might just put an end to this kind of discrimination. Some people in our group say we should fight, and some say we should keep our peace and have nonviolent protests, and like I said before I agree with nonviolent protests.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for using nonviolence during the civil rights movement. (“Violence is never good, because when people use violence then they get hurt. We have been hurt and harassed for as long as I can remember, and we are tired of it. I hope this movement works, because we don't want separation between the whites and the African Americans. Some of our members think that we should use violence, but I talk them out of it sometimes.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Kindness and respect are the best way to kill someone, and it's classier. I say that we work our hardest at it and see where it takes us. It might even end the movement, and we will be able to do whatever is needed. Being an African American in college with no rights is tough enough, and now we have to deal with being harassed at lunch counters and attacked by guard dogs. Even though we are a different race doesn't mean we should be treated differently then the other races.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“In my opinion I think that my group should stick with nonviolence. The reason why my people are going crazy is because the other people won’t stop attacking us. I think that my groups should stick with nonviolence and act as if we were pacifists. My reasons for this are that violence never ends well, kill people with kindness, and if we don't commit to it then our movement might fail. We try not to believe in violence as much as we can.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Some of our members think that we should use violence, but I talk them out of it sometimes. When some people fight they get into it as if they were killing someone for a real reason, but they attack us for no reason.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“In conclusion, my opinion is very important. I think violence isn't right and that it should stop. Killing people with kindness is much better then physically doing it. Everyone says our movement will end, but I don't think it will, we could get through all the torture and still be alive.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Everyone says our movement is going to end. But I say that if we work hard enough at it then we might just put an end to this kind of discrimination. Some people in our group say we should fight, and some say we should keep our peace and have nonviolent protests, and like I said before I agree with nonviolent protests.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“The reason why my people are going crazy is because the other people won’t stop attacking us. I think that my groups should stick with nonviolence and act as if we were pacifists. My reasons for this are that violence never ends well, kill people with kindness, and if we don't commit to it then our movement might fail.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“This to me doesn't seem like respect, or us having ‘equal’ rights like everybody else in this country. If our race doesn't give it all they've got then this movement might have a very bad ending.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“African Americans get in trouble for no reason at all, especially if we didn't do it they blame it on us. This to me doesn't seem like respect, or us having ‘equal’ rights like everybody else in this country. If our race doesn't give it all they've got then this movement might have a very bad ending.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor,

I'd rather start using violence to defend myself, because if I don't start defending myself, it will get worse. If I start defending myself others will think twice before messing with me. If I don't start defending myself others will think I'm weak and will continue to harass me at lunch counters or not letting me attend classes, or spray me with fire hoses, or I'd get attacked by police dogs. No matter what color you are, you should be able to have the right to do stuff like everyone else.

Everyone should have the right to do anything they want, except killing or hurting people. They should be able to choose if they want to work for people or not. They should be able to vote. They should be able to speak up when they need to. They should be able to defend themselves without getting punished. Nobody should be treated badly. Nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect. When they are being bullied or anything like that, you should fight back, but it's best not to, it might just make things worse so it may be better to tell someone, an adult, or the police, or anyone that could help you.

Just because your race is different from other people's, doesn't mean that you need to bully or hurt them. They didn't choose to be Black, Asian, Australian etc. They are who they are and they should be proud of it. If anyone is bullying you, tell someone don't commit suicide because it will make the person that's bullying you will think that they won and they will be happy that you are dead. So DON'T do it, it's a stupid idea.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of using violent forms of protest but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I'd rather start using violence to defend myself, because if I don't start defending myself, it will get worse. If I start defending myself others will think twice before messing with me. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Everyone should have the right to do anything they want, except killing or hurting people. They should be able to choose if they want to work for people or not. They should be able to vote. They should be able to speak up when they need to. They should be able to defend themselves without getting punished. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer’s point of view. (“ They are who they are and they should be proud of it. If anyone is bullying you, tell someone don't commit suicide because it will make the person that's bullying you will think that they won and they will be happy that you are dead. So DON'T do it, it's a stupid idea. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against using nonviolent protesting. The writer does attempt to address the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“When they are being bullied or anything like that, you should fight back, but it's best not to, it might just make things worse so it may be better to tell someone, an adult, or the police, or anyone that could help you.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. (“If I don't start defending myself others will think I'm weak and will continue to harass me at lunch counters or not letting me attend classes, or spray me with fire hoses, or I'd get attacked by police dogs.”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for using violence, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for using violence, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“Everyone should have the right to do anything they want, except killing or hurting people. They should be able to choose if they want to work for people or not. They should be able to vote. They should be able to speak up when they need to. They should be able to defend themselves without getting punished. Nobody should be treated badly. Nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction. (“ I'd rather start using violence to defend myself, because if I don't start defending myself, it will get worse. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“They should be able to choose if they want to work for people or not. They should be able to vote. They should be able to speak up when they need to. They should be able to defend themselves without getting punished. Nobody should be treated badly. Nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave the readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“ Just because your race is different from other people's, doesn't mean that you need to bully or hurt them. They didn't choose to be Black, Asian, Australian etc. They are who they are and they should be proud of it. If anyone is bullying you, tell someone don't commit suicide because it will make the person that's bullying you will think that they won and they will be happy that you are dead. So DON'T do it, it's a stupid idea ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. The writer utilizes “you should,” but it is used in a repetitive manner and does little to persuade the audience. (“Everyone should have the right to do anything they want, except killing or hurting people. They should be able to choose if they want to work for people or not. They should be able to vote. They should be able to speak up when they need to. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“They should be able to choose if they want to work for people or not. They should be able to vote. They should be able to speak up when they need to. They should be able to defend themselves without getting punished. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “they.” (“They didn't choose to be Black, Asian, Australian etc. They are who they are and they should be proud of it. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Just because your race is different from other people's, doesn't mean that you need to bully or hurt them. They didn't choose to be Black, Asian, Australian etc. They are who they are and they should be proud of it. If anyone is bullying you, tell someone don't commit suicide because it will make the person that's bullying you will think that they won and they will be happy that you are dead. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor

Being nonviolence is always the best thing. but when you are getting harassed you fill like the best thing is violence. you don't want to have some one hitting killing your kind of people whitey.(just kidding ) ha ha ha, but about the killing and hitting. do you want us killing your people, do u? tell me that you really want us to do the same thing that you did to us.

We try our best to have non violence protest but you just bring you dogs, and fire hose and you some times just shoot use, i mean it just not right.we might even one day be able to vote and eat at the cool restaurants. the time has come that the blacks and the women can have there one time and eat alone. you will see.

Us black people are just has capable as you to do the same thing you do. such as voting we will be as powerful as you white people are. We might even make one of us black people president him name might be oboma. we will live in peace and tranquility after all of this nonsense is finished with. No more racism will be in this country. Of course some people will be a little racist but not that much.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. (“ Being nonviolence is always the best thing. but when you are getting harassed you fill like the best thing is violence. you don't want to have some one hitting killing your kind of people whitey.(just kidding ) ha ha ha, but about the killing and hitting. do you want us killing your people, do u? tell me that you really want us to do the same thing that you did to us. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. (“ you don't want to have some one hitting killing your kind of people whitey.(just kidding ) ha ha ha, but about the killing and hitting. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ We try our best to have non violence protest but you just bring you dogs, and fire hose and you some times just shoot use, i mean it just not right.we might even one day be able to vote and eat at the cool restaurants. the time has come that the blacks and the women can have there one time and eat alone. you will see. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on whether or not to continue using nonviolent forms of protest. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ Us black people are just has capable as you to do the same thing you do. such as voting we will be as powerful as you white people are. We might even make one of us black people president him name might be oboma. we will live in peace and tranquility after all of this nonsense is finished with. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph and illustrate why using nonviolence is important. (“ Us black people are just has capable as you to do the same thing you do. such as voting we will be as powerful as you white people are. ”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of nonviolent protesting. (“ We try our best to have non violence protest but you just bring you dogs, and fire hose and you some times just shoot use, i mean it just not right.we might even one day be able to vote and eat at the cool restaurants. the time has come that the blacks and the women can have there one time and eat alone. you will see. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Being nonviolence is always the best thing. but when you are getting harassed you fill like the best thing is violence. you don't want to have some one hitting killing your kind of people whitey.(just kidding ) ha ha ha, but about the killing and hitting. do you want us killing your people, do u? tell me that you really want us to do the same thing that you did to us. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ We try our best to have non violence protest but you just bring you dogs, and fire hose and you some times just shoot use, i mean it just not right.we might even one day be able to vote and eat at the cool restaurants. the time has come that the blacks and the women can have there one time and eat alone. you will see. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“ Us black people are just has capable as you to do the same thing you do. such as voting we will be as powerful as you white people are. We might even make one of us black people president him name might be oboma. we will live in peace and tranquility after all of this nonsense is finished with. No more racism will be in this country. Of course some people will be a little racist but not that much. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“Being nonviolence is always the best thing. but when you are getting harassed you fill like the best thing is violence. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“We try our best to have non violence protest but you just bring you dogs, and fire hose and you some times just shoot use, i mean it just not right.we might even one day be able to vote and eat at the cool restaurants. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of using nonviolent protesting. (“but about the killing and hitting. do you want us killing your people, do u? tell me that you really want us to do the same thing that you did to us.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ We try our best to have non violence protest but you just bring you dogs, and fire hose and you some times just shoot use, i mean it just not right.we might even one day be able to vote and eat at the cool restaurants. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I say non-violence. The reason I say non-violence because if you keep being non-violence it will stay the same. But, if you get violent it's goiing to get bad for you. And I will not just get violent then get even worst. Because I think then i will get hard for you. And hard for everyone els. I thnk that if one African-American gets violence.

Like you might get 2,3,4 hoses on you. Not like everyone else. Because you were being violence. If you get 2 dogs on you. because you were being violence. They might double triple. But you don't know. So thats why I said i'll stay the same. Because you might be dead being violencent. That's why the same.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. (“ I say non-violence. The reason I say non-violence because if you keep being non-violence it will stay the same. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ Like you might get 2,3,4 hoses on you. Not like everyone else. Because you were being violence. If you get 2 dogs on you. because you were being violence. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are inadequately identified. (“ I say non-violence. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of whether to continue using nonviolent protesting. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I say non-violence. The reason I say non-violence because if you keep being non-violence it will stay the same. But, if you get violent it's goiing to get bad for you. And I will not just get violent then get even worst. ”)

Since the response is so brief, there are no main ideas in the essay. (“Like you might get 2,3,4 hoses on you. Not like everyone else. Because you were being violence. If you get 2 dogs on you. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how by choosing to use violence you could die. (“Because you might be dead being violencent. ”)

Organization

Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the opinion/position/thesis statement of the essay. The essay response is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“ Like you might get 2,3,4 hoses on you. Not like everyone else. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“ Because you might be dead being violencent. That's why the same. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“But, if you get violent it's goiing to get bad for you. And I will not just get violent then get even worst. Because I think then i will get hard for you. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“They might double triple. But you don't know. So thats why I said i'll stay the same. Because you might be dead being violencent. That's why the same. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ Like you might get 2,3,4 hoses on you. Not like everyone else. Because you were being violence. If you get 2 dogs on you. because you were being violence. They might double triple. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Persuasive Letter about Jackie Robinson

As the first African American major league baseball player, Jackie Robinson played a significant role in the history of baseball. Imagine that you work for the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum and that, this month, there will be a special exhibition featuring several famous players.

In a detailed letter, persuade the president of the organization to include Jackie Robinson in this exhibition. Facts and examples regarding the role he played in the sport, as well as some of the many contributions he made to baseball during his time should be provided.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear President of the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum,

As you know, the annual baseball exhibition date is coming soon. Although we will be representing many famous and respected baseball players, I believe we are lacking one significant athlete. His name is Jack Roosevelt Robinson, the first African American major league baseball player. As a part of an all-Negro baseball team, Jackie faced many racial obstacles in, what was then, a white sport. I strongly believe it is of utmost importance to educate our tourists on how he overcame this and helped integrate baseball.

Born in nineteen-nineteen, Jackie grew up with his single mom and five siblings; being the youngest, he wasn't usually the center of attention, so he became a very petty thief to try and draw attention to himself. Despite this, as Jackie grew, he blossomed into a well-mannered boy, and during high school years, he received many scholarships from the variety of sports he played; he played not only baseball but football and basketball as well.

After a few months of college, he decided to drop out and become a children's sport's director; subsequently, he joined the Kansas baseball team and was later invited to join the first all- African American baseball team. After a few hours of discussion with the coach, Jackie agreed. The coach had wanted to make sure that Jackie was emotionally strong enough to withstand the emotional and physical abuse he was later to encounter. With history of being in the army and his positive attitude, Jackie was accepted into the team.

Throughout the years, Jackie had held his head high, even in the shadows of darkness, he continued to keep up his winning streak and this nobility had inspired many others to play. Quietly and gradually, baseball wasn't a white game anymore; it was finally, America's game. With this in mind, I would please ask you to consider my proposal on adding Jackie Robinson to our exhibition. With this knowledge, I encourage you to recognize what a revolutionary role model Jackie had been for many others. I strongly recommend presenting visitors the history of how Jackie overcame racial obstacles and how he earned his privilege to be inducted into our Hall of Fame.

I understand your concerns regarding cost and space, but I have concluded that enlightening our spectators is priceless. Jackie was one of the significant people that started the integration revolution and including him may spark the young mind of a student. Do you not believe revealing Jackie Robinson's footsteps on America are crucial to the future of the United States? Don't you believe including such an important, inspirational figure in our exhibition is necessary?

As the manager of the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum, I have reached this position of authority through my ability to pinpoint the missing elements of each successful exhibition. I have been known to state my honest opinions for the betterment of this museum. Through my years of experience, I have come to learn that excluding important players such as Jackie Robinson will result in disastrous consequences. My intentions are not to undermine your authority, but rather, to provide support through the eyes of an individual who has gained many years of experience through hard work and dedication.

My intentions are to solely make you aware of the consequences that may arise if this extraordinary athlete does not have a place within our exhibition. These consequences include events such as a decrease in tourist numbers and the offset of many African-American advocates. I do imagine that you do not wish to trigger these consequences, for the damage may be irreversible. Such choices, you may be aware of, will damage the creditability and reputation of this establishment.

I must mention that I do admire all of the work you and your staff have accomplished in the past few years, but I do hope you understand the reasoning behind my opinion. My opinion simply reflects the ideology of the majority of today's opinion. I would like to take this moment to thank you for taking the time to make this museum the best it could possibly be.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Manager of the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“As a part of an all-Negro baseball team, Jackie faced many racial obstacles in, what was then, a white sport. I strongly believe it is of utmost importance to educate our tourists on how he overcame this and helped integrate baseball.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Throughout the years, Jackie had held his head high, even in the shadows of darkness, he continued to keep up his winning streak and this nobility had inspired many others to play. Quietly and gradually, baseball wasn't a white game anymore; it was finally, America's game. With this in mind, I would please ask you to consider my proposal on adding Jackie Robinson to our exhibition. With this knowledge, I encourage you to recognize what a revolutionary role model Jackie had been for many others. I strongly recommend presenting visitors the history of how Jackie overcame racial obstacles and how he earned his privilege to be inducted into our Hall of Fame.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“As the manager of the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum, I have reached this position of authority through my ability to pinpoint the missing elements of each successful exhibition. I have been known to state my honest opinions for the betterment of this museum. Through my years of experience, I have come to learn that excluding important players such as Jackie Robinson will result in disastrous consequences. My intentions are not to undermine your authority, but rather, to provide support through the eyes of an individual who has gained many years of experience through hard work and dedication.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the issue of including Jackie Robinson in the special exhibit. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“I understand your concerns regarding cost and space, but I have concluded that enlightening our spectators is priceless. Jackie was one of the significant people that started the integration revolution and including him may spark the young mind of a student. Do you not believe revealing Jackie Robinson's footsteps on America are crucial to the future of the United States? Don't you believe including such an important, inspirational figure in our exhibition is necessary?”)

The writer effectively includes a personal anecdote that explains his/her past experience and how that experience directly relates to the stated opinion. (“As the manager of the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum, I have reached this position of authority through my ability to pinpoint the missing elements of each successful exhibition. I have been known to state my honest opinions for the betterment of this museum. Through my years of experience, I have come to learn that excluding important players such as Jackie Robinson will result in disastrous consequences. My intentions are not to undermine your authority, but rather, to provide support through the eyes of an individual who has gained many years of experience through hard work and dedication.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Born in nineteen-nineteen, Jackie grew up with his single mom and five siblings; being the youngest, he wasn't usually the center of attention, so he became a very petty thief to try and draw attention to himself. Despite this, as Jackie grew, he blossomed into a well-mannered boy, and during high school years, he received many scholarships from the variety of sports he played; he played not only baseball but football and basketball as well. After a few months of college, he decided to drop out and become a children's sport's director; subsequently, he joined the Kansas baseball team and was later invited to join the first all- African American baseball team. After a few hours of discussion with the coach, Jackie agreed. The coach had wanted to make sure that Jackie was emotionally strong enough to withstand the emotional and physical abuse he was later to encounter. With history of being in the army and his positive attitude, Jackie was accepted into the team.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction engages the readers’ attention. (“As you know, the annual baseball exhibition date is coming soon. Although we will be representing many famous and respected baseball players, I believe we are lacking one significant athlete. His name is Jack Roosevelt Robinson, the first African American major league baseball player. As a part of an all-Negro baseball team, Jackie faced many racial obstacles in, what was then, a white sport. I strongly believe it is of utmost importance to educate our tourists on how he overcame this and helped integrate baseball.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to enhance the flow and sequence of ideas in the essay. (“After a few months of college, he decided to drop out and become a children's sport's director; subsequently, he joined the Kansas baseball team and was later invited to join the first all- African American baseball team. After a few hours of discussion with the coach, Jackie agreed. The coach had wanted to make sure that Jackie was emotionally strong enough to withstand the emotional and physical abuse he was later to encounter. With history of being in the army and his positive attitude, Jackie was accepted into the team.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a strong sense of closure. (“I must mention that I do admire all of the work you and your staff have accomplished in the past few years, but I do hope you understand the reasoning behind my opinion. My opinion simply reflects the ideology of the majority of today's opinion. I would like to take this moment to thank you for taking the time to make this museum the best it could possibly be. Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely, Manager of the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to argue his/her stance on the issue. (“My intentions are to solely make you aware of the consequences that may arise if this extraordinary athlete does not have a place within our exhibition. These consequences include events such as a decrease in tourist numbers and the offset of many African-American advocates. I do imagine that you do not wish to trigger these consequences, for the damage may be irreversible. Such choices, you may be aware of, will damage the creditability and reputation of this establishment.”)

The writer uses varied sentences by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Throughout the years, Jackie had held his head high, even in the shadows of darkness, he continued to keep up his winning streak and this nobility had inspired many others to play. Quietly and gradually, baseball wasn't a white game anymore; it was finally, America's game. With this in mind, I would please ask you to consider my proposal on adding Jackie Robinson to our exhibition. With this knowledge, I encourage you to recognize what a revolutionary role model Jackie had been for many others. I strongly recommend presenting visitors the history of how Jackie overcame racial obstacles and how he earned his privilege to be inducted into our Hall of Fame.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“As the manager of the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum, I have reached this position of authority through my ability to pinpoint the missing elements of each successful exhibition. I have been known to state my honest opinions for the betterment of this museum. Through my years of experience, I have come to learn that excluding important players such as Jackie Robinson will result in disastrous consequences. My intentions are not to undermine your authority, but rather, to provide support through the eyes of an individual who has gained many years of experience through hard work and dedication.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Throughout the years, Jackie had held his head high, even in the shadows of darkness, he continued to keep up his winning streak and this nobility had inspired many others to play. Quietly and gradually, baseball wasn't a white game anymore; it was finally, America's game.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear President Idelson:

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mary Smith, and I was hired as the new receptionist for the brand new baseball exhibition of former legendary superstars. I understand that this special event will open in the spring of this year. I have unearthed that you are weighing your many options on which famous baseball players to choose for your unique exhibit. As for many other employees here at your museum, we agree to the idea of using the talented Jackie Robinson as a part of it, since he was an amazing baseball phenomenon. He is as speedy as a bullet, as strong as steel, and as alert as a starving cheetah laying in wait for its prey. I highly advise you to select the wondrous Jack Roosevelt Robinson because he refrained from retaliation, became a segment of the extremely famous Hall of Fame, and he was such a substantial man with integrity that they made a movie about his life and struggles.

To start, since Jackie Robinson was an African-American, many fans and players of the major leagues thought it was just to threaten and criticize him. For the most part, when they threatened him, they tormented him with illegal and completely unjust violence. Jackie had to restrain from acting up; if he did not refrain, the integration of the blacks with the whites in the leagues would not have worked out. I think that this makes him a great role model and leader; which is another reason why he should be in your exhibit. Parents will want their children to go to your museum and learn how to be a leader and an outstanding baseball player by admiring your portion of data on Jackie. Plus, if they bring their kids to your museum, you will make some money. I know that you are thinking that the parents of these kids will think otherwise, but being a child of two parents, they will do anything to have me looking for an exceptional role model. I think that Jackie Robinson showed integrity by refraining from violence; this is a great reason to put him in your exhibit.

As well as Jackie being a stupendous example, he is also a selection of the Hall of Fame. This is another reason Jack Robinson would be honored in your new exhibit. To get into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, you must be a superior athlete. In addition, you must have made some difference or contribution to the sport of baseball. It is obvious that Jackie did, handling the huge responsibility of integrating the game so that more outstanding players could participate. Jackie was a truly astonishing marvel in his athletic abilities. His batting average was .342, he was the rookie of the year, and he stole home 19 times! Let's face it, Mr. Idelson, Jackie Robinson was a leader. He helped the world of baseball understand the difference between right and wrong. As I have said before, this is a reason to enter Jackie in your museum. If you write back to me, you will probably say that Jackie being in the Hall of Fame is no reason to have him in your exhibition. Well, I must say, I don't know much about baseball, but I do know who is and isn't in the Hall of Fame. That tells you that Jackie is one of the major ballpark players. On the whole, the athlete being admitted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame is an excellent reason for Jack Roosevelt Robinson to be displayed in your exhibit.

Finally, Jackie Robinson was such an outstanding superstar in terms of ability, integrity, and courage that people who honored him created a movie and a book about him. He had his first acting debut in the movie The Jackie Robinson Story. This movie was evidently all about Jack Roosevelt Robinson, and the hardships of being the first African-American ball player. Besides having a movie constructed about him in 1950, Robinson accommodated Alfred Duckett in scribing the book, I Never Had It Made in 1972 . This tells you how extremely conspicuous and substantial the athlete is and was to the world. Since he is important, you should definitely put him in your museum! You are looking for the most famous players, right? All in all, being in a movie and having a book written about him is a preeminent reason to allow Jackie in your exquisite exhibition.

To sum up, Jackie holding back from violence, becoming a portion of the National League Hall of Fame, and having a movie and a book made in his honor are some seriously notable ideas to consider when choosing the baseball players to put in your exhibition. For one, all of these examples show that Jackie is a leader. Also, the reasons show that Robinson is dedicated to humanity and his race.

You may be thinking that Jackie lived such a long time ago that no one will be looking for him, but you see Mr. Idelson, Jackie Robinson is a legend in baseball. Anyhow, everyone will be looking for him. If he isn't there, they might be disappointed and leave your exhibit.

In brief, I hope that my message has come through to you and you will decide on putting the illustrious, extraordinary, marvelous Jackie Robinson in your display of talented baseball players because of his many accomplishments and contributions to the game of baseball.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s focus and meaning are good and satisfy most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of including Jackie Robinson in the special exhibit to persuade readers. He/she is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer’s introduction engages the readers by calling for Jackie Robinson to be included in the special exhibit. (“Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mary Smith, and I was hired as the new receptionist for the brand new baseball exhibition of former legendary superstars. I understand that this special event will open in the spring of this year. I have unearthed that you are weighing your many options on which famous baseball players to choose for your unique exhibit. As for many other employees here at your museum, we agree to the idea of using the talented Jackie Robinson as a part of it, since he was an amazing baseball phenomenon. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Let's face it, Mr. Idelson, Jackie Robinson was a leader. He helped the world of baseball understand the difference between right and wrong. As I have said before, this is a reason to enter Jackie in your museum. If you write back to me, you will probably say that Jackie being in the Hall of Fame is no reason to have him in your exhibition. Well, I must say, I don't know much about baseball, but I do know who is and isn't in the Hall of Fame. That tells you that Jackie is one of the major ballpark players. On the whole, the athlete being admitted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame is an excellent reason for Jack Roosevelt Robinson to be displayed in your exhibit.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“To start, since Jackie Robinson was an African-American, many fans and players of the major leagues thought it was just to threaten and criticize him. For the most part, when they threatened him, they tormented him with illegal and completely unjust violence. Jackie had to restrain from acting up; if he did not refrain, the integration of the blacks with the whites in the leagues would not have worked out. I think that this makes him a great role model and leader; which is another reason why he should be in your exhibit.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the stated position. The writer briefly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer briefly addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“If you write back to me, you will probably say that Jackie being in the Hall of Fame is no reason to have him in your exhibition. Well, I must say, I don't know much about baseball, but I do know who is and isn't in the Hall of Fame. That tells you that Jackie is one of the major ballpark players. On the whole, the athlete being admitted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame is an excellent reason for Jack Roosevelt Robinson to be displayed in your exhibit.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“To get into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, you must be a superior athlete. In addition, you must have made some difference or contribution to the sport of baseball. It is obvious that Jackie did, handling the huge responsibility of integrating the game so that more outstanding players could participate. Jackie was a truly astonishing marvel in his athletic abilities. His batting average was .342, he was the rookie of the year, and he stole home 19 times! ”)

Details explain each main idea well. (“Finally, Jackie Robinson was such an outstanding superstar in terms of ability, integrity, and courage that people who honored him created a movie and a book about him. He had his first acting debut in the movie The Jackie Robinson Story. This movie was evidently all about Jack Roosevelt Robinson, and the hardships of being the first African-American ball player. Besides having a movie constructed about him in 1950, Robinson accommodated Alfred Duckett in scribing the book, I Never Had It Made in 1972 . This tells you how extremely conspicuous and substantial the athlete is and was to the world. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“I highly advise you to select the wondrous Jack Roosevelt Robinson because he refrained from retaliation, became a segment of the extremely famous Hall of Fame, and he was such a substantial man with integrity that they made a movie about his life and struggles.”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mary Smith, and I was hired as the new receptionist for the brand new baseball exhibition of former legendary superstars. I understand that this special event will open in the spring of this year. I have unearthed that you are weighing your many options on which famous baseball players to choose for your unique exhibit. As for many other employees here at your museum, we agree to the idea of using the talented Jackie Robinson as a part of it, since he was an amazing baseball phenomenon. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“As well as Jackie being a stupendous example, he is also a selection of the Hall of Fame. This is another reason Jack Robinson would be honored in your new exhibit. To get into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, you must be a superior athlete. In addition, you must have made some difference or contribution to the sport of baseball. It is obvious that Jackie did, handling the huge responsibility of integrating the game so that more outstanding players could participate. ”)

The writer’s conclusion leaves readers with something to think about. (“In brief, I hope that my message has come through to you and you will decide on putting the illustrious, extraordinary, marvelous Jackie Robinson in your display of talented baseball players because of his many accomplishments and contributions to the game of baseball.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Besides having a movie constructed about him in 1950, Robinson accommodated Alfred Duckett in scribing the book, I Never Had It Made in 1972 . This tells you how extremely conspicuous and substantial the athlete is and was to the world. Since he is important, you should definitely put him in your museum! You are looking for the most famous players, right? All in all, being in a movie and having a book written about him is a preeminent reason to allow Jackie in your exquisite exhibition.”)

The writer creates many complex sentence structures and adds many details. (“For the most part, when they threatened him, they tormented him with illegal and completely unjust violence. Jackie had to restrain from acting up; if he did not refrain, the integration of the blacks with the whites in the leagues would not have worked out. I think that this makes him a great role model and leader; which is another reason why he should be in your exhibit. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Let's face it, Mr. Idelson, Jackie Robinson was a leader. He helped the world of baseball understand the difference between right and wrong. As I have said before, this is a reason to enter Jackie in your museum. If you write back to me, you will probably say that Jackie being in the Hall of Fame is no reason to have him in your exhibition. Well, I must say, I don't know much about baseball, but I do know who is and isn't in the Hall of Fame. That tells you that Jackie is one of the major ballpark players. On the whole, the athlete being admitted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame is an excellent reason for Jack Roosevelt Robinson to be displayed in your exhibit.”) Coherent use of style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ To get into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, you must be a superior athlete. In addition, you must have made some difference or contribution to the sport of baseball. It is obvious that Jackie did, handling the huge responsibility of integrating the game so that more outstanding players could participate. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear MLB Hall of Fame Committee,

Jackie Robinson was a very mentally strong player in the game of baseball. He took not only one year of criticism in baseball but his whole life before that, he was treated poorly. He had several death threats given to him for being on the baseball team. He wasn't concerned with someone liking or disliking him, but all he asked for was for everyone to respect him for being a human being.

The College of UCLA had not had a student letter in more than three sports, until Jackie Robinson. He also attended John Muir High School and Pasadena Junior College, where he was an excellent athlete and played four sports: football, basketball, track, and baseball. Out of the four sports, baseball was Jackie's least favorite to play, but still loved the game. He also competed in football, track, golf, and tennis while at UCLA. During a track meet, Jackie beat his older brother Matthew's long jump record held at the school. He also won several school tournaments in golf and tennis. Robinson was forced to leave UCLA just shy of graduation due to financial problems in 1941. He moved to Honolulu Hawaii, where he played football for the semi-professional Honolulu Bears. His season with the Bears was cut short with the onset of the United States' entry into World War II.

Robinson was a very strong and athletic young man. He joined the military and served faithfully for his country. During World War II, Robinson served as a second lieutenant in the United States Army from 1942 to 1944. However, he never saw combat due to an altercation during boot camp in Texas. Robinson was arrested and court-martialed after refusing to give up his seat and go to the back of a segregated bus during training. He was later relieved of the charges and received an honorable discharge. After the court reviewed his case, he was relieved of all his charges because he had all rights to not giving up his seat.

Others may say that there are many greater players that could be selected for this position over Jackie. There are many greater ball players than he, but he played the game for a greater reason than anyone else in the game. He played the game to help bring the two races closer together than they had ever been before. He took criticism from everywhere he went however, he held back to accomplish his task at hand. Jackie was not known for being someone to hold back when criticized but he kept his cool for one whole year. Jackie changed the history of America and baseball for the good of the game and our nation.

All in all, Jackie Robinson is a great choice for this presentation. He made a huge change in the history of the game and should be rewarded for it in every way possible. Placing Jackie in this position would be paying him great respect and should be done.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. He/she establishes an opinion about the inclusion of Jackie Robinson in the special exhibit and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. However, the writer should clearly state the thesis in the beginning of the response, rather than expressing it in the concluding paragraph. (“All in all, Jackie Robinson is a great choice for this presentation. He made a huge change in the history of the game and should be rewarded for it in every way possible. Placing Jackie in this position would be paying him great respect and should be done.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“The College of UCLA had not had a student letter in more than three sports, until Jackie Robinson. He also attended John Muir High School and Pasadena Junior College, where he was an excellent athlete and played four sports: football, basketball, track, and baseball. Out of the four sports, baseball was Jackie's least favorite to play, but still loved the game. He also competed in football, track, golf, and tennis while at UCLA.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for the intended audience. He/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Others may say that there are many greater players that could be selected for this position over Jackie. There are many greater ball players than he, but he played the game for a greater reason than anyone else in the game. He played the game to help bring the two races closer together than they had ever been before. He took criticism from everywhere he went however, he held back to accomplish his task at hand. Jackie was not known for being someone to hold back when criticized but he kept his cool for one whole year. Jackie changed the history of America and baseball for the good of the game and our nation.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details are relevant. (“Jackie Robinson was a very mentally strong player in the game of baseball. He took not only one year of criticism in baseball but his whole life before that, he was treated poorly. He had several death threats given to him for being on the baseball team.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Out of the four sports, baseball was Jackie's least favorite to play, but still loved the game. He also competed in football, track, golf, and tennis while at UCLA. During a track meet, Jackie beat his older brother Matthew's long jump record held at the school. He also won several school tournaments in golf and tennis. Robinson was forced to leave UCLA just shy of graduation due to financial problems in 1941. He moved to Honolulu Hawaii, where he played football for the semi-professional Honolulu Bears. His season with the Bears was cut short with the onset of the United States' entry into World War II.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Others may say that there are many greater players that could be selected for this position over Jackie. There are many greater ball players than he, but he played the game for a greater reason than anyone else in the game. He played the game to help bring the two races closer together than they had ever been before. He took criticism from everywhere he went however, he held back to accomplish his task at hand. Jackie was not known for being someone to hold back when criticized but he kept his cool for one whole year. Jackie changed the history of America and baseball for the good of the game and our nation.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the response. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices and, overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Jackie Robinson was a very mentally strong player in the game of baseball. He took not only one year of criticism in baseball but his whole life before that, he was treated poorly. He had several death threats given to him for being on the baseball team. He wasn't concerned with someone liking or disliking him, but all he asked for was for everyone to respect him for being a human being.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to move from one idea to the next. (“The College of UCLA had not had a student letter in more than three sports, until Jackie Robinson. He also attended John Muir High School and Pasadena Junior College, where he was an excellent athlete and played four sports: football, basketball, track, and baseball. Out of the four sports, baseball was Jackie's least favorite to play, but still loved the game. He also competed in football, track, golf, and tennis while at UCLA. During a track meet, Jackie beat his older brother Matthew's long jump record held at the school. He also won several school tournaments in golf and tennis.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument and gives readers a sense of closure. (“All in all, Jackie Robinson is a great choice for this presentation. He made a huge change in the history of the game and should be rewarded for it in every way possible. Placing Jackie in this position would be paying him great respect and should be done.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally provides correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Others may say that there are many greater players that could be selected for this position over Jackie. There are many greater ball players than he, but he played the game for a greater reason than anyone else in the game. He played the game to help bring the two races closer together than they had ever been before. He took criticism from everywhere he went however, he held back to accomplish his task at hand.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Robinson was forced to leave UCLA just shy of graduation due to financial problems in 1941. He moved to Honolulu Hawaii, where he played football for the semi-professional Honolulu Bears. His season with the Bears was cut short with the onset of the United States' entry into World War II. Robinson was a very strong and athletic young man.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Jackie Robinson was a very mentally strong player in the game of baseball. He took not only one year of criticism in baseball but his whole life before that, he was treated poorly. He had several death threats given to him for being on the baseball team. He wasn't concerned with someone liking or disliking him, but all he asked for was for everyone to respect him for being a human being.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ During World War II, Robinson served as a second lieutenant in the United States Army from 1942 to 1944. However, he never saw combat due to an altercation during boot camp in Texas. Robinson was arrested and court-martialed after refusing to give up his seat and go to the back of a segregated bus during training.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Sir or Madam,

Im writing this because i heard that you are doing an exhibition about the greatest baseball players in the history of baseball. I also heard that you werent puting Jackie Robinson . That was really suprising to me because Jackie Robinson is not only a good baseball player, but he is also the strongest and most very inportant man in history.

To begin, Jackie Robinson is a really good and talented player in baseball. On his hall of fame plaque, it says that he was the leading batter, and he held the most stolen bases, and had the most double plays in four different years. He was also known as "the most feared base runner in the game". Jackie Robinson changed the baseball was played in the major leagues by showing some of the cool things that came from the Negro leagues, like stealing bases and bunting. Just because Jackie Robinson lead them to the National League four years, running and changed the way baseball was played. Thats why i think he is an imprtant figure in baseball that should be included in your exhibition.

aside from his baseball playing, he was a really good man. He took insults and threats from people who didnt like him and didnt want him to play baseball. Him himself stood up against racists and "broke baseballs color barrier". He didnt only change how baseball was played, he also changed it by letting other black members play. After he was done with baseball, he still fought for the rights of black people. This is another reason why you should put him in the exhibition.

Finally, Jackie Robinson was one of the best baseball players America has ever seen. He managed to play awsome even while taking insaults and threats. He only didnt changed baseball, but he changed America by helping the black people out. After these reasons, I should recomend you to include Jackie Robinson in you exhibition.

I also think that you should put him in your exhibition because he let other black members know that " dont be afraid to do things that you are good at".

Sincerely,

John Smith

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer endorses Jackie Robinson for the special exhibit but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Im writing this because i heard that you are doing an exhibition about the greatest baseball players in the history of baseball. I also heard that you werent puting Jackie Robinson . That was really suprising to me because Jackie Robinson is not only a good baseball player, but he is also the strongest and most very inportant man in history.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to support the stated opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“aside from his baseball playing, he was a really good man. He took insults and threats from people who didnt like him and didnt want him to play baseball. Him himself stood up against racists and ‘broke baseballs color barrier’. He didnt only change how baseball was played, he also changed it by letting other black members play. After he was done with baseball, he still fought for the rights of black people. This is another reason why you should put him in the exhibition.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“I also think that you should put him in your exhibition because he let other black members know that ‘ dont be afraid to do things that you are good at’.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument to include Jackie Robinson in a special exhibit. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate specific counterarguments into the essay.

The writer acknowledges the intended audience through appeals for what they should do; however, he/she does not specifically address readers’ possible opposing viewpoints. (“Finally, Jackie Robinson was one of the best baseball players America has ever seen. He managed to play awsome even while taking insaults and threats. He only didnt changed baseball, but he changed America by helping the black people out. After these reasons, I should recomend you to include Jackie Robinson in you exhibition.”)

The writer includes historical anecdotes that attempt to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Although this gives readers some insight into the general reasons for including Jackie Robinson in the exhibit, it is limited in its support for the argument . (“On his hall of fame plaque, it says that he was the leading batter, and he held the most stolen bases, and had the most double plays in four different years. He was also known as ‘the most feared base runner in the game’. Jackie Robinson changed the baseball was played in the major leagues by showing some of the cool things that came from the Negro leagues, like stealing bases and bunting. Just because Jackie Robinson lead them to the National League four years, running and changed the way baseball was played. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for why Jackie Robinson should be included in the exhibit, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“Finally, Jackie Robinson was one of the best baseball players America has ever seen. He managed to play awsome even while taking insaults and threats. He only didnt changed baseball, but he changed America by helping the black people out. After these reasons, I should recomend you to include Jackie Robinson in you exhibition.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by stating his/her dismay over the exclusion of Jackie Robinson in a special exhibit. (“Im writing this because i heard that you are doing an exhibition about the greatest baseball players in the history of baseball. I also heard that you werent puting Jackie Robinson . That was really suprising to me because Jackie Robinson is not only a good baseball player, but he is also the strongest and most very inportant man in history.”)

Subtle transitions are evident between paragraphs and between sentences. (“aside from his baseball playing, he was a really good man. He took insults and threats from people who didnt like him and didnt want him to play baseball. Him himself stood up against racists and ‘broke baseballs color barrier’. He didnt only change how baseball was played, he also changed it by letting other black members play. After he was done with baseball, he still fought for the rights of black people. This is another reason why you should put him in the exhibition.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not summarize arguments or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“I also think that you should put him in your exhibition because he let other black members know that ‘ dont be afraid to do things that you are good at’. Sincerely, John Smith”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak. (“Finally, Jackie Robinson was one of the best baseball players America has ever seen. He managed to play awsome even while taking insaults and threats. He only didnt changed baseball, but he changed America by helping the black people out. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “He.” (“He took insults and threats from people who didnt like him and didnt want him to play baseball. Him himself stood up against racists and ‘broke baseballs color barrier’. He didnt only change how baseball was played, he also changed it by letting other black members play. After he was done with baseball, he still fought for the rights of black people. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Just because Jackie Robinson lead them to the National League four years, running and changed the way baseball was played. Thats why i think he is an imprtant figure in baseball that should be included in your exhibition.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

To whom i may concern:

My opinion is that Jackie Robinson should be able to play with the other baseball players in this event and treated like any other skillful baseball player should so this is my thesis. Jackie Robinson is a great man and he is a marvelous baseball player he deserves to be in this program. Most people don't think he should be in this baseball league and be able to play with our players but he should because he has fought to get to this place that he is right now and i think it is ridiculous because the only reason why they think that he should not be able to play in this league is because he is an African American. But the fact is that he is likely one of the best players that has ever played the game of baseball. He is better than most of the people in this program and that is a true fact.

I think that Jackie Robinson should be able to be concluded in this exhibition. He should be able to participate in this event because he has become the first black general in the united states Armed Forces. He was also rookie of the year in 1949. He also has gone through multiple put downs and depressions but that didn't make him give up. So he should be able to play because i think that he should and so do many other baseball fans. I write this letter to you so you can think about letting him be in this event. Hopefully i have persuaded you to let Jackie Robinson play with our other white baseball players.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of including Jackie Robinson in a special exhibition. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay minimally states an opinion about the issue. (“ My opinion is that Jackie Robinson should be able to play with the other baseball players in this event and treated like any other skillful baseball player should so this is my thesis. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, simple language to address the intended readers. (“Most people don't think he should be in this baseball league and be able to play with our players but he should because he has fought to get to this place that he is right now and i think it is ridiculous because the only reason why they think that he should not be able to play in this league is because he is an African American. But the fact is that he is likely one of the best players that has ever played the game of baseball. He is better than most of the people in this program and that is a true fact.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ I think that Jackie Robinson should be able to be concluded in this exhibition. He should be able to participate in this event because he has become the first black general in the united states Armed Forces. He was also rookie of the year in 1949. He also has gone through multiple put downs and depressions but that didn't make him give up. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide adequate development of content to argue his/her selection of Jackie Robinson for a special exhibit. Specifically, the essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the stated position. The writer does consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments in a minimal way.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ I think that Jackie Robinson should be able to be concluded in this exhibition. He should be able to participate in this event because he has become the first black general in the united states Armed Forces. He was also rookie of the year in 1949. He also has gone through multiple put downs and depressions but that didn't make him give up. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“So he should be able to play because i think that he should and so do many other baseball fans. I write this letter to you so you can think about letting him be in this event. Hopefully i have persuaded you to let Jackie Robinson play with our other white baseball players.”)

The writer does consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments in a minimal way. (“ Most people don't think he should be in this baseball league and be able to play with our players but he should because he has fought to get to this place that he is right now and i think it is ridiculous because the only reason why they think that he should not be able to play in this league is because he is an African American. But the fact is that he is likely one of the best players that has ever played the game of baseball. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates minimal organization with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“To whom i may concern: My opinion is that Jackie Robinson should be able to play with the other baseball players in this event and treated like any other skillful baseball player should so this is my thesis.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“I think that Jackie Robinson should be able to be concluded in this exhibition. He should be able to participate in this event because he has become the first black general in the united states Armed Forces. He was also rookie of the year in 1949. He also has gone through multiple put downs and depressions but that didn't make him give up. So he should be able to play because i think that he should and so do many other baseball fans.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“ I write this letter to you so you can think about letting him be in this event. Hopefully i have persuaded you to let Jackie Robinson play with our other white baseball players. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“I think that Jackie Robinson should be able to be concluded in this exhibition. He should be able to participate in this event because he has become the first black general in the united states Armed Forces. He was also rookie of the year in 1949. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Most people don't think he should be in this baseball league and be able to play with our players but he should because he has fought to get to this place that he is right now and i think it is ridiculous because the only reason why they think that he should not be able to play in this league is because he is an African American. ”)

The writer lacks style and voice in the essay. (“But the fact is that he is likely one of the best players that has ever played the game of baseball. He is better than most of the people in this program and that is a true fact.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should check capitalization, punctuation, and sentence structures to enhance the overall effectiveness of the intended message. (“So he should be able to play because i think that he should and so do many other baseball fans. I write this letter to you so you can think about letting him be in this event. Hopefully i have persuaded you to let Jackie Robinson play with our other white baseball players.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Jacky robonson as the first African American major league baseball player.And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. here is a little FYI he was born in 1919 and died in 1972. he came from a vary poor family and he wold be very intresting and alot of people wold come to the exibet and you wold make alot of money. wich I know that is what you want.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to provide details that would support an endorsement for Jackie Robinson in the exhibit. (“ Jacky robonson as the first African American major league baseball player.And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“he came from a vary poor family and he wold be very intresting and alot of people wold come to the exibet and you wold make alot of money. wich I know that is what you want.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ Jacky robonson as the first African American major league baseball player.And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the argument for selecting Jackie Robinson to be an integral part of a special exhibition. Additionally, the essay fails to recognize readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. here is a little FYI he was born in 1919 and died in 1972. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“he came from a vary poor family and he wold be very intresting and alot of people wold come to the exibet and you wold make alot of money. wich I know that is what you want.”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“Jacky robonson as the first African American major league baseball player.And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. here is a little FYI he was born in 1919 and died in 1972. he came from a vary poor family and he wold be very intresting and alot of people wold come to the exibet and you wold make alot of money. wich I know that is what you want.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Jacky robonson as the first African American major league baseball player. ”)

Transitional words are not used to make connections between ideas in the essay. (“ And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. here is a little FYI he was born in 1919 and died in 1972. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument or leaves readers with something to think about or tells them what to do next. (“he came from a vary poor family and he wold be very intresting and alot of people wold come to the exibet and you wold make alot of money. wich I know that is what you want.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Jacky robonson as the first African American major league baseball player.And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. here is a little FYI he was born in 1919 and died in 1972. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. (“he came from a vary poor family and he wold be very intresting and alot of people wold come to the exibet and you wold make alot of money. wich I know that is what you want.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Jacky robonson as the first African American major league baseball player.And he was a big part of i history after all he was the first African amarican bace ball player. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Petitioning Your Parents for a Privilege

What child hasn't asked his or her parents for a special privilege at one time or another? Think about a privilege you want that your parents are able to grant you. It may be their permission for you to stay up later, get a cell phone, or go to a special event.

Now, write a multi-paragraph essay in which you request this special privilege from your parents. Be sure to use reasons and arguments to convince your parents to grant your request.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

As an eighth grade ALPHA student, this year I have the opportunity to attend a week long school trip to Washington , DC . This trip is very educational. If I am able to go I will have the honor of touring our country's capital. We will be visiting the White House, the Capitol building, the Ford Theater, and several other historical sites. I have chosen three main reasons that I believe I should be allowed to go on this trip. My first reason is because this trip is all about education. Secondly, this could be a once in a lifetime chance, and lastly, the cost of this journey is incredibly low. I believe that these reasons are all important, and I believe that this trip should be considered.

As I stated earlier, this trip is entirely about learning and discovering America 's history. Over the course of one week we will be touring 12 of the most recognized monuments in the United States . Among these is the White House. Let me ask you, how many Americans, especially teenagers, will ever get the chance to visit the house of our President? This tour will give me the opportunity to learn about our nation's capital in a hands-on way. The trip will also take me to the site of one of the most devastating deaths in American history, the Ford Theater. I have been learning about the death of President Lincoln since I was just a little girl, but now I will have the chance to witness the scene personally. This visit will allow me to understand and grasp the reality of this wonderful man's assassination. These are just a few of the many sites I will be visiting while on this trip. Despite being away from school for one week, I will be getting a learning experience that I could never receive in a classroom.

My second point is that this is the chance of a lifetime. Many people never get the opportunity to go into Washington , DC for an entire week and see the places we will be seeing. I believe that this may be one the biggest chances that I will have to go into our capital. You should be excited and proud that your daughter has the chance to go somewhere that she would not have the chance to go otherwise. As I said, just remember that this is a chance that not many people get. I will be visiting the most famous, well-known, and historic area in the United States . I will actually walk in the place that our Presidents have walked before me.

The third point of my argument is also beneficial to you. Finances are often the barrier between dreaming and making a dream a reality. The price of this adventure is extremely low. $399 covers several meals, a four night and four day stay in very nice hotel rooms, tickets for each of our tours, and a security guard for our hotel. Think about it, at most hotels you cannot even rent a room for a week for the price you will be paying for all of this. If this price is too much, all I must do to lower it even more is fill out a scholarship form. For students who work hard and deserve this trip, scholarships are available. I believe that I do deserve this opportunity.

I would like to conclude be saying thank you for giving my request consideration. This would be an incredible, educational, and affordable chance of a lifetime. I am extremely excited and honored to have this chance. I hope that you will allow me to go. Just remember all of the positives that I discussed above. I hope that you have gathered that I really would be thrilled to attend this trip. I hope that you make the correct decision, even if it isn't what I would like it to be. Thank you once again. I love you and respect your decision.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus of this essay can best be described as very effective. The author insightfully maintains an argument that engages and persuades the reader. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding that he/she is attempting to persuade his or her parents/guardians for a particular privilege. This author completes every aspect of the task and goes beyond its limits by establishing perceptive ideas and arguments. (“As I stated earlier, this trip is entirely about learning and discovering America 's history. Over the course of one week we will be touring 12 of the most recognized monuments in the United States . Among these is the White House. Let me ask you, how many Americans, especially teenagers, will ever get the chance to visit the house of our President? This tour will give me the opportunity to learn about our nation's capital in a hands-on way.”)

Content & Development

In this essay, the writer effectively develops and supports his/her ideas by using a variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details. (“The trip will also take me to the site of one of the most devastating deaths in American history, the Ford Theater. I have been learning about the death of President Lincoln since I was just a little girl, but now I will have the chance to witness the scene personally. This visit will allow me to understand and grasp the reality of this wonderful man's assassination. These are just a few of the many sites I will be visiting while on this trip. Despite being away from school for one week, I will be getting a learning experience that I could never receive in a classroom.”) This essay addresses possible counterarguments in a strong and convincing manner, and it is developed in a logical manner that clearly arranges the writer’s information to best persuade his/her parents.

Organization

The organization of this essay is very effective. The writer establishes a cohesive, unified structure (“My second point is that this is the chance of a lifetime. Many people never get the opportunity to go into Washington , DC for an entire week and see the places we will be seeing. I believe that this may be one the biggest chances that I will have to go into our capital. You should be excited and proud that your daughter has the chance to go somewhere that she would not have the chance to go otherwise. As I said, just remember that this is a chance that not many people get.”) that contains an engaging introduction and strong conclusion. The author's use of paragraphs and transitional devices also remains effective throughout the written work.

Language Use & Style

The language and overall style of writing in this essay are both very effective. The writer skillfully chooses his/her words and has a clearly defined voice. In this way, the author creates an effective and persuasive argument. (“The third point of my argument is also beneficial to you. Finances are often the barrier between dreaming and making a dream a reality. The price of this adventure is extremely low. $399 covers several meals, a four night and four day stay in very nice hotel rooms, tickets for each of our tours, and a security guard for our hotel. Think about it, at most hotels you cannot even rent a room for a week for the price you will be paying for all of this.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author maintains effective control over conventions and mechanics. (“I would like to conclude be saying thank you for giving my request consideration. This would be an incredible, educational, and affordable chance of a lifetime. I am extremely excited and honored to have this chance. I hope that you will allow me to go.”) There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What I Would Like For Christmas

Christmas time is drawing near and there is a lot to be done; decorating, baking cookies, and of course, shopping. Christmas is closer than you think. It is time to make up my list. This year for Christmas there are many different gadgets and gizmos available including the Sony PSP. The PlayStation Portable system is the first truly integrated portable entertainment system that is capable of playing music, videos, photos, and internet, with games as its key feature. I would really like a PSP for Christmas this year.

The PSP can play full-length, feature movies and TV shows with over 430 of them already available including some of my favorites like Napoleon Dynamite, Click, and many more. The movies and shows and games, are stored on a 1.8 GB disc called a UMD (Universal Media Disc). If you consider that a portable DVD player can cost upwards of $200, the PSP is an incredible value. I can even watch our own home videos! It will keep me entertained for hours on long trips. No more asking, "Are we there yet?"

Along with playing videos the PSP can play my favorite music and photos whenever and wherever I like! It's easy to save and play my favorite MP3's and pictures for playback on the go. [MSOffice4] It works with many music subscription services including Rhapsody, Connect, Napster, and many others so I can always up-date my collection with the latest tunes. Most MP3 players today cost over $100. Not to mention that most players with color screens cost an extra $50-$100.

Last but not least, the games! Dazzling widescreen LCD brings gaming to life! Over 135 game titles are available including Daxter, SOCOM: U.S. Navy SEALS, Fireteam, Bravo 2, LocoRoco, and more! With on-line capabilities I can play with friends anywhere in the world. The PSP even allows me to download free game demos from the PlayStation website.

The PSP is an amazing value. If you add it all together you will see that the PSP is worth over $578.87 and only costs $199.99. If you choose to get me a PSP I will not be disappointed in your choice. I hope I find one under the tree on Christmas morning labeled for me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, the focus and meaning in this essay are proficient. The writer establishes and maintains a clear thesis in order to persuade the reader to grant his or her chosen privilege. (“Christmas time is drawing near and there is a lot to be done; decorating, baking cookies, and of course, shopping. Christmas is closer than you think. It is time to make up my list. This year for Christmas there are many different gadgets and gizmos available including the Sony PSP. The PlayStation Portable system is the first truly integrated portable entertainment system that is capable of playing music, videos, photos, and internet, with games as its key feature. I would really like a PSP for Christmas this year.”) This author also demonstrates a basic understanding of audience while completing most aspects of the task.

Content & Development

This essay has a good amount of content and is adequately developed. The writer establishes his/her position using specific, accurate, and relevant details.(“Along with playing videos the PSP can play my favorite music and photos whenever and wherever I like! It's easy to save and play my favorite MP3's [MSOffice5] and pictures for playback on the go. It works with many music subscription services including Rhapsody, Connect, Napster, and many others so I can always up-date my collection with the latest tunes.”) The author’s method of addressing counterarguments is effective, and the essay is developed in a way that is logical and influential.

Organization

The overall organization of this essay can best be described as proficient. The writer demonstrates a mainly unified structure, with a solid introduction and conclusion. (“The PSP is an amazing value. If you add it all together you will see that the PSP is worth over $578.87 and only costs $199.99. If you choose to get me a PSP I will not be disappointed in your choice. I hope I find one under the tree on Christmas morning labeled for me.”) The author's use of paragraphs and transitional devices is consistent.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates a good use of language and style. The writer chooses appropriate and influential words to reinforce his/her argument. (“The movies and shows and games, are stored on a 1.8 GB disc called a UMD (Universal Media Disc). If you consider that a portable DVD player can cost upwards of $200, the PSP is an incredible value. I can even watch our own home videos! It will keep me entertained for hours on long trips.”) Additionally, the author shows some evidence of voice and has a clear idea of the audience. This essay contains well-structured and varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author maintains control over conventions and mechanics. The author makes a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with his/her message.(“With on-line capabilities I can play with friends anywhere in the world. The PSP even allows me to download free game demos from the PlayStation website.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am asking for you to provide me with a cell phone. Before you jump to conclusions, please consider my hypothesis about the safety of having a cell phone, me not hogging the phone, and other advantages that come with it. I am sure you will be pleased with my well thought-out report, and wish that you enjoy my ambition.

First of all, I will be able to keep in touch with you, and I'm sure that is very important at this time of my life. It will not only help me knowing that your only a phone call away, but it will also help you feel the same way. If you ever need me, I am right where you can find me. This kind of relief is good for your nerves, especially if I am at a party a little later than expected, all you have to do is call me and remind me when my I should be home. Thus making a better connection between us.

Next, please do not think that I will ask for this without so much as deserving it. I will do extra chores that are strenuous for you when all the children are home. Such as, laundry, cleaning up everyones' room, and other chores that I will let you decide that are reasonable. This will teach me responsability and that I will have to work for things that I want. This lesson is very important, and will help me with many contradictions in my life. I will also take a part time job to help pay for it. These chores are strictly for a cell phone and I will not ask for anything else of my labor.( Not including me not hogging the phone lol.)

Also, I will feel much safer if I have someone to call right away if something ever happens. For example, if I get hurt and no one is around, i will be able to pick up my phone and call for help. This is a very important reason I wish to recieve a cell phone. Another reason I want one is because what happened with my brother last year. He burnt his leg, and no one was aeound until we got home. That scared me and I wish for me to end up without thrird degree burns.

Futhermore, I will overall have a better advantage of a numerous variety of situations. I hope all these reasons have convinced you of my question. Thank you for considering my plee.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The overall focus and meaning in this essay can best be described as adequate. The writer establishes a general argument to persuade his/her parents. (“First of all, I will be able to keep in touch with you, and I'm sure that is very important at this time of my life. It will not only help me knowing that your only a phone call away, but it will also help you feel the same way. If you ever need me, I am right where you can find me.”) The author has a basic understanding of the audience and overall purpose of the task. The writer completes many parts of the assignment, but he/she fails to use an adequate amount argumentative details.

Content & Development

Throughout this essay, the author does a fair job of developing the content. The writer uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her position. The essay also addresses some possible counterarguments in a general fashion. (“Next, please do not think that I will ask for this without so much as deserving it. I will do extra chores that are strenuous for you when all the children are home. Such as, laundry, cleaning up everyones' room, and other chores that I will let you decide that are reasonable. This will teach me responsability and that I will have to work for things that I want.”) Overall, the essay is developed in a manner that logically addresses the writer’s persuasive argument; however, the details and information regarding the writer's argument are basic and lack a significant amount of support.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a basic level of organization. The essay's structure is generally unified, and it has a noticeable introduction and conclusion. However, the author's use of paragraphs and transitional devices is inconsistent. (“Futhermore, I will overall have a better advantage of a numerous variety of situations. I hope all these reasons have convinced you of my question. Thank you for considering my plee.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language in and the overall style of this essay can best be described as basic. The writer uses appropriate language, has an awareness of audience, and chooses words that are persuasive. (“Also, I will feel much safer if I have someone to call right away if something ever happens. For example, if I get hurt and no one is around, i will be able to pick up my phone and call for help. This is a very important reason I wish to recieve a cell phone. Another reason I want one is because what happened with my brother last year. He burnt his leg, and no one was aeound until we got home.”) The writer also generally uses correct, varied sentence structure that addresses the overall task.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates a general understanding of conventions and mechanics. (“This kind of relief is good for your nerves, especially if I am at a party a little later than expected, all you have to do is call me and remind me when my I should be home. Thus making a better connection between us.”) There are errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and dad,

Mom I should be aloud to have the inter net. I have had good grade at school. If I had the inter net. I'm sure my grades would increase. Also I could do some school work that I couldn't in the inter net. Now that I have An MP3 player I could down load music into it. You could even talk to my teacher and see my grades.

Some times teachers give me projects. Now instead of going to the library I can just work on it at home. I could also look up thing that mite help me with my classes. Also there some web sites that I have to do in class (like myacess.com). If I didn't finish some thing I could finish it at home. This would keep me catch up on my classes.

You know I just bought a new MP3 player. There are some songs that I want that i don't have. With the inter net I could just down loud dose songs. I only have some songs in my computer, so instead of paying money for the CDs. I could just down loud the songs I want. This would save use some money.

You two could also use the Inter net. My school has a web site that let you see how I'm doing. Some teachers have their own wed sites. That way you can just talk to them. My teacher's web sites also tell you what I'm learning. Even if I'm not at school some day. I can see what I mist and what home work I have.

As you have seen the inter net would be a nice thing to have. Again I could do my home work on it. Down loading songs would be awesome. Then you two could see how I'm doing in school. That's [MSOffice6] why I really want the inter net

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as limited. The writer’s argument is unclear and undeveloped. The essay also demonstrates the author's limited understanding of the purpose and audience of the task. This writer completes some parts of the task, but significant portions of his/her argument are missing. (“You two could also use the Inter net. My school has a web site that let you see how I'm doing. Some teachers have their own wed sites. That way you can just talk to them. My teacher's web sites also tell you what I'm learning.”)

Content & Development

The author's overall development of the content in this essay is unclear. (“Also I could do some school work that I couldn't in the inter net. Now that I have An MP3 player I could down load music into it. You could even talk to my teacher and see my grades.”) The ideas introduced by the writer are brief, inconsistent, and lack supporting details. The essay does make an attempt to address possible counterarguments, but it is unclear whether the writer fully understands how to construct a persuasive argument.

Organization

This essay is organized in a very limited fashion. There is some evidence of structure, but the introduction and conclusion appear uncertain. This essay lacks proper paragraphing and transitional devices. (“My teacher's web sites also tell you what I'm learning. Even if I'm not at school some day. I can see what I mist and what home work I have.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s overall use of language and style can best be described as limited. The author uses simple language, and his/her word choice is not fully persuasive. However, the writer does demonstrate some awareness of the audience and maintains some control over his/her voice. The writer relies on simple, unvaried sentences to convey his/her message. (“You know I just bought a new MP3 player. There are some songs that I want that i don't have. With the inter net I could just down loud dose songs. I only have some songs in my computer, so instead of paying money for the CDs. I could just down loud the songs I want. This would save use some money.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates the author's limited control over mechanics and conventions. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message (“Again I could do my home work on it. Down loading songs would be awesome. Then you two could see how I'm doing in school. That's why I really want the inter net”).

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear mom and dad,

I do not understand why I can not have a television in my room. It would benefit us in that we would not fight on which channel to watch. Since there are two televisions already it would defiently be much better and we would not have to argue what to watch anymore. Another benefit would be that we would not have to pay every month for the wireless connection for my game system. Since my gamesytem is downstairs in the basement it does not get such a good connection and always fades out when I am in the middle of playing. This would solve that problem since the computer room is right next to my room.

I do not understand why that i can not have one in my room. My mom always says that she would argue every night to turn it off and you would never turn the tv off when you are suppose to. Mom I would

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus in this essay is minimal. The writer makes little attempt to establish an argument and has a minimal understanding of the overall purpose of a persuasive essay. Only a few parts of the task are completed. (“I do not understand why that i can not have one in my room. My mom always says that she would argue every night to turn it off and you would never turn the tv off when you are suppose to.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content and its development are minimal at best. The writer’s arguments are either incomplete or developed inadequately. The author uses few details to support his/her position. (“Since there are two televisions already it would defiently be much better and we would not have to argue what to watch anymore.”) This essay does not address possible counterarguments. Parts of the author's persuasive argument are apparent, but they lack form and detail.

Organization

The overall organization of this essay can best be described as minimal. There is little evidence of structure in the piece, and the introduction and conclusion are poor. (“I do not understand why I can not have a television in my room. It would benefit us in that we would not fight on which channel to watch.”) This essay lacks proper paragraphing and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This writer’s use of language and his/her overall style are minimal at best. The essay demonstrates the author's poor word choice and limited awareness of the purpose of a persuasive essay. The written piece has basic errors in sentence structure and usage. (“Since my gamesytem is downstairs in the basement it does not get such a good connection and always fades out when I am in the middle of playing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates minimal control over conventions and mechanics. The essay contains errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message (“she would argue every night to turn it off and you would never turn the tv off when you are suppose to. Mom I would”).

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have always wanted a tv in my room. If my parents get me a tv in my room I would do all my chores without being asked a hundred times.I would get my grades up.Im always going to do that even though I wont get a tv in my room because grades and education is realy importent to me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains inadequate focus and meaning. The writer puts forth almost no effort to establish an argument in order to persuade the reader. This essay completes few or no parts of the task, and there is little evidence of the author's awareness of his/her audience. (“If my parents get me a tv in my room I would do all my chores without being asked a hundred times.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s overall content can best be described as inadequate. The author does not attempt to use details to support his/her argument, nor address any possible counterarguments. (“ I would get my grades up.”) The essay is developed in a manner that lacks any true understanding of the task at hand.

Organization

The organization of this essay is inadequate. The author does not create a clear introduction or conclusion (“I wont get a tv in my room because grades and education is realy importent to me. ”), and the essay fails to contain any evidence of paragraphing, transitional devices. This author does not have an understanding of how to effectively organize a persuasive essay.

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and his/her overall style are inadequate at best (“Im always going to do that even though I wont get a tv in my room”). This essay fails to demonstrate a clear and coherent word choice. The author demonstrates no awareness of the audience, and he/she commits major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates inadequate control over conventions and mechanics. The essay contains severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and these errors significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“I wont get a tv in my room because grades and education is realy importent to me.”)

Recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance

The Pledge of Allegiance is an oath of loyalty to the United States and to its national flag. It is regularly recited in unison at public events, and especially in public schools, where the Pledge is often part of a daily routine in the morning. The Pledge is spoken as follows: "I pledge allegiance to the Flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

The Pledge was written by Baptist minister Francis Bellamy on September 7, 1892, for a well-known children's magazine, Youth's Companion . The owners of Youth's Companion were selling flags to schools and approached Bellamy to write the Pledge for their advertising campaign. It was promoted as a way to commemorate the 400th anniversary of Christopher Columbus coming to America.

In 1892, President Benjamin Harrison declared that the Pledge was to be recited during Columbus Day observances in public schools. It eventually became a daily ritual in schools, with recent debate over whether this ritual should be continued.

Keeping in mind that it originated as a marketing campaign, write a persuasive essay to your principal arguing your position on students in your school reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Pledge of Allegiance: An Unnecessary Recitation

Standing up, you turn to face the banner of stars and stripes hanging in the corner of the classroom, and you begin to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Surveying the rest of your classmates, you see that some are still groggily getting up, while others are chatting with their friends. You contemplate whether or not this is worth the time; after all, half of the class is sitting down. Presently, this situation continues to persist daily in schools. Every day, in schools across the nation, children of all ages stand up, put their right hands over their hearts, and recite this pledge of thirty-one words. This pledge is spoken, not just in schools, but in public places as well. I understand that recently, there has been some controversy over reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in schools. Reciting the pledge at school should be discontinued immediately for the following reasons: it is unconstitutional, it is a forced consent of loyalty to the government, and it is meaningless to students.

The daily stating of the Pledge of Allegiance is a violation of the First Amendment, which explains our right to the freedoms of speech and religion, rendering it unconstitutional. In the First Amendment, citizens are granted the freedom to speak or express ideas as they please. When we recite the pledge, students are forced to stand up and speak; it does not matter if we are against or do not agree with the Pledge. Also, being instructed to speak certain words without a choice goes against our right to freedom of speech; hence, it is a violation of our freedom of speech, which protects our right to speak freely or abstain from speaking. Additionally, the Pledge of Allegiance contains the phrase "under God" which is also a breach of the First Amendment; it is an infringement of our freedom of religion. By adding the words "under God", the Pledge is establishing monotheism, or the belief in one god. Unquestionably, the Constitution clearly states that the government of our nation cannot support or establish a religion over another. Therefore, our rights, stated in the First Amendment, bestow religious freedom by forbidding the government to interfere with religion; given this basis, students from all backgrounds can practice various religions.

In addition, in the Pledge of Allegiance, we are forced to declare our loyalty to our government, which goes against the nature of our republic and democratic federal system. Our nation as we know it today was founded on the basis of having freedom and a say in our government, allowing us to oppose or agree with the government's decisions. This is the basis of a true democratic republic. Furthermore, by commanding our citizens to pledge their loyalty to our government and country, it turns our government from a free democratic country to one where the government lords over the citizens. By bringing the flag and our country above the people, we are submitting our rights to the government. Considering our federal system, we should have the right to object to the government. So the question is, why do we have to pledge our allegiance and loyalty to it? By insisting that students must vow their allegiance to the United States and the flag, would you say that our country still seems like a free, democratic republic?

Last, but certainly not least, remembering that this essay concerns students reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at schools, a simple fact must be revealed: The Pledge of Allegiance is meaningless and has no connections for most students. As an example, if one were to be observing a class reciting the pledge, the observer will find that there is no emotion or burning patriotism in students’ eyes. They are simply speaking those memorized words not by choice, but because they are required to. Students never think about the words coming from their mouths as they say them, nor do they ever ponder what the Pledge truly means; it is just another phrase we have to remember, just like how we have to memorize our multiplication tables. In the students' case, reciting the Pledge is just another ritual exercised every day; students do not say it because they want to say it, but because those in higher power are forcing them to. With these facts in mind, would you not agree that the Pledge of Allegiance holds no special bond for the students, nor does it have a beneficial purpose?

On the other hand, removing the Pledge of Allegiance from our school might spark reservations in some people. For example, citizens who feel differently might argue that reciting the Pledge brings a sense of nationality and patriotism. However, as I have proven above, students do not feel emotions while saying the Pledge; it is just another ordinary part of their day. Without truly feeling the emotions behind the Pledge, how can one feel patriotic? Similarly, another argument others might have is that the Pledge of Allegiance pays respect to our country. I strongly state, that in reality, the Pledge is an ineffective way of paying respect because the greater majority of students do not honestly care for the Pledge. Likewise, people of the opposing side may also say that the Pledge helps reaffirm our rights and our liberty. Even so, by forcing us to recite the pledge and establishing a monotheistic religion, the Pledge actually takes away our freedoms and rights. How is it possible for one to say that the Pledge confirms our rights that we own as citizens when it is, in fact, doing just the opposite? Undeniably, the Pledge of Allegiance must go.

In brief, the Pledge of Allegiance that has existed for over a hundred years must stop being a mandatory component of our school's daily routine. Having students recite the Pledge of Allegiance violates our rights listed in the Constitution, scars the democratic republic that our government is built on, and has no meaning to the young scholars of our nation. Therefore, the termination of the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance is a necessity for the sake of our nation's lifestyle. It is our duty as U.S. citizens to make necessary changes to the country for the benefit of future generations. We must cease the recitation of this oath so that students, teachers, and everyone else can truly have "liberty and justice for all."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful argument that actively engages the readers in the debate. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention in the introduction, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Standing up, you turn to face the banner of stars and stripes hanging in the corner of the classroom, and you begin to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Surveying the rest of your classmates, you see that some are still groggily getting up, while others are chatting with their friends. You contemplate whether or not this is worth the time; after all, half of the class is sitting down. Presently, this situation continues to persist daily in schools. Every day, in schools across the nation, children of all ages stand up, put their right hands over their hearts, and recite this pledge of thirty-one words. This pledge is spoken, not just in schools, but in public places as well. I understand that recently, there has been some controversy over reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in schools. Reciting the pledge at school should be discontinued immediately for the following reasons: it is unconstitutional, it is a forced consent of loyalty to the government, and it is meaningless to students.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of arguing his/her stance on the issue of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. (“The daily stating of the Pledge of Allegiance is a violation of the First Amendment, which explains our right to the freedoms of speech and religion, rendering it unconstitutional. In the First Amendment, citizens are granted the freedom to speak or express ideas as they please. When we recite the pledge, students are forced to stand up and speak; it does not matter if we are against or do not agree with the Pledge. Also, being instructed to speak certain words without a choice goes against our right to freedom of speech; hence, it is a violation of our freedom of speech, which protects our right to speak freely or abstain from speaking.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance infringes on basic freedoms and rights of students in the classroom. (“When we recite the pledge, students are forced to stand up and speak; it does not matter if we are against or do not agree with the Pledge. Also, being instructed to speak certain words without a choice goes against our right to freedom of speech; hence, it is a violation of our freedom of speech, which protects our right to speak freely or abstain from speaking. Additionally, the Pledge of Allegiance contains the phrase ‘under God’ which is also a breach of the First Amendment; it is an infringement of our freedom of religion. By adding the words ‘under God’, the Pledge is establishing monotheism, or the belief in one god. Unquestionably, the Constitution clearly states that the government of our nation cannot support or establish a religion over another. Therefore, our rights, stated in the First Amendment, bestow religious freedom by forbidding the government to interfere with religion; given this basis, students from all backgrounds can practice various religions.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development and successfully develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. Additionally, the essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“On the other hand, removing the Pledge of Allegiance from our school might spark reservations in some people. For example, citizens who feel differently might argue that reciting the Pledge brings a sense of nationality and patriotism. However, as I have proven above, students do not feel emotions while saying the Pledge; it is just another ordinary part of their day. Without truly feeling the emotions behind the Pledge, how can one feel patriotic?”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Last, but certainly not least, remembering that this essay concerns students reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at schools, a simple fact must be revealed: The Pledge of Allegiance is meaningless and has no connections for most students. As an example, if one were to be observing a class reciting the pledge, the observer will find that there is no emotion or burning patriotism in students’ eyes. They are simply speaking those memorized words not by choice, but because they are required to. Students never think about the words coming from their mouths as they say them, nor do they ever ponder what the Pledge truly means; it is just another phrase we have to remember, just like how we have to memorize our multiplication tables.”)

The writer includes thought-provoking questions that challenge the readers to take a serious look at the issue. This approach invites readers to actively engage in the debate. (“Without truly feeling the emotions behind the Pledge, how can one feel patriotic? Similarly, another argument others might have is that the Pledge of Allegiance pays respect to our country. I strongly state, that in reality, the Pledge is an ineffective way of paying respect because the greater majority of students do not honestly care for the Pledge. Likewise, people of the opposing side may also say that the Pledge helps reaffirm our rights and our liberty. Even so, by forcing us to recite the pledge and establishing a monotheistic religion, the Pledge actually takes away our freedoms and rights. How is it possible for one to say that the Pledge confirms our rights that we own as citizens when it is, in fact, doing just the opposite?”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and captures the readers’ attention. (“Standing up, you turn to face the banner of stars and stripes hanging in the corner of the classroom, and you begin to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Surveying the rest of your classmates, you see that some are still groggily getting up, while others are chatting with their friends. You contemplate whether or not this is worth the time; after all, half of the class is sitting down. Presently, this situation continues to persist daily in schools. Every day, in schools across the nation, children of all ages stand up, put their right hands over their hearts, and recite this pledge of thirty-one words. This pledge is spoken, not just in schools, but in public places as well. I understand that recently, there has been some controversy over reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in schools. Reciting the pledge at school should be discontinued immediately for the following reasons: it is unconstitutional, it is a forced consent of loyalty to the government, and it is meaningless to students.”)

The writer uses transitions that contribute to the sequence and flow of ideas throughout the essay. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Last, but certainly not least, remembering that this essay concerns students reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at schools, a simple fact must be revealed: The Pledge of Allegiance is meaningless and has no connections for most students. As an example, if one were to be observing a class reciting the pledge, the observer will find that there is no emotion or burning patriotism in students’ eyes. They are simply speaking those memorized words not by choice, but because they are required to. Students never think about the words coming from their mouths as they say them, nor do they ever ponder what the Pledge truly means; it is just another phrase we have to remember, just like how we have to memorize our multiplication tables. In the students' case, reciting the Pledge is just another ritual exercised every day; students do not say it because they want to say it, but because those in higher power are forcing them to.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a call to action on the issue of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. (“In brief, the Pledge of Allegiance that has existed for over a hundred years must stop being a mandatory component of our school's daily routine. Having students recite the Pledge of Allegiance violates our rights listed in the Constitution, scars the democratic republic that our government is built on, and has no meaning to the young scholars of our nation. Therefore, the termination of the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance is a necessity for the sake of our nation's lifestyle. It is our duty as U.S. citizens to make necessary changes to the country for the benefit of future generations. We must cease the recitation of this oath so that students, teachers, and everyone else can truly have ‘liberty and justice for all.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses precise language to argue his/her position on the issue. (“In addition, in the Pledge of Allegiance, we are forced to declare our loyalty to our government, which goes against the nature of our republic and democratic federal system. Our nation as we know it today was founded on the basis of having freedom and a say in our government, allowing us to oppose or agree with the government's decisions. This is the basis of a true democratic republic. Furthermore, by commanding our citizens to pledge their loyalty to our government and country, it turns our government from a free democratic country to one where the government lords over the citizens. By bringing the flag and our country above the people, we are submitting our rights to the government.”)

The writer’s strong voice and use of varied sentences add credibility to the argument presented. (“The daily stating of the Pledge of Allegiance is a violation of the First Amendment, which explains our right to the freedoms of speech and religion, rendering it unconstitutional. In the First Amendment, citizens are granted the freedom to speak or express ideas as they please. When we recite the pledge, students are forced to stand up and speak; it does not matter if we are against or do not agree with the Pledge. Also, being instructed to speak certain words without a choice goes against our right to freedom of speech; hence, it is a violation of our freedom of speech, which protects our right to speak freely or abstain from speaking.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“On the other hand, removing the Pledge of Allegiance from our school might spark reservations in some people. For example, citizens who feel differently might argue that reciting the Pledge brings a sense of nationality and patriotism. However, as I have proven above, students do not feel emotions while saying the Pledge; it is just another ordinary part of their day. Without truly feeling the emotions behind the Pledge, how can one feel patriotic? Similarly, another argument others might have is that the Pledge of Allegiance pays respect to our country. I strongly state, that in reality, the Pledge is an ineffective way of paying respect because the greater majority of students do not honestly care for the Pledge.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“Students never think about the words coming from their mouths as they say them, nor do they ever ponder what the Pledge truly means; it is just another phrase we have to remember, just like how we have to memorize our multiplication tables. In the students' case, reciting the Pledge is just another ritual exercised every day; students do not say it because they want to say it, but because those in higher power are forcing them to. With these facts in mind, would you not agree that the Pledge of Allegiance holds no special bond for the students, nor does it have a beneficial purpose?”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." This pledge is known as the Pledge of Allegiance. The Pledge of Allegiance was created many years ago and is an oath of loyalty to the United States and to its national flag. Even though it was created as an advertisement to sell more American flags, it is regularly recited at public events and especially in public schools around the country. The writer knows that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance honors America and American troops. This understanding has led the writer to believe that the pledge should be recited by each student at school every day. There are varying reasons why the writer feels this way about the pledge.

For one, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance displays respect for the American flag and American soldiers. These soldiers greatly appreciate the fact that others are reciting the Pledge of Allegiance for them and their country. In many ways, reciting the pledge displays our appreciation for them and what the American soldiers are doing for America. Also, hearing the pledge might encourage these troops to go back out to fight for our country again. For example, a man who just came back from fighting in a war could hear a fellow citizen recite the pledge and could be encouraged by it to go back into another country and continue battling for us. This is only one the many reasons why the writer believes that it is more appropriate to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school.

More importantly, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance regularly adds a sense of nationalism to the citizens of the United States. In other words, people reciting the pledge seem to have more pride for America. This is because the pledge is a reminder of our freedom and independence as a nation plus what our country was forced to persevere through to earn it. Though the pledge sometimes reminds people of tragic events also, the pledge still provides a positive since to the citizens over all. Don't you as our principal want your students to feel pride for our country and American troops? The writer hopes that you do. There is one other important reason why the writer knows that it is best that everyone in or out school says the Pledge of Allegiance daily.

The final reason why the writer believes that it is best for everyone to say the Pledge of Allegiance at our school is that it reminds the person or persons reciting it about the great wars that we have won and the many American soldiers that our country has lost because of these wars. This reminder is placed back into the student's head each time he or she recites the pledge. For example, a student could be reminded of the war just by saying the pledge and could commit his or herself to joining the military due to just reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at school. That could occur just from a student reciting those thirty or so words.

Though the writer strongly supports the idea that we should recite the Pledge of Allegiance at school daily, he understands why some people would not want to recite it at school. First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance was only created as an advertisement to sell more American flags. This means that the Pledge of Allegiance was not created for the purpose of respecting America and to represent the flag. This could cause a student to have disrespect for the flag and a negative appeal towards reciting it in school. Even so, it is much better in the writer's opinion to recite it in a school like ours daily to show our respect for America and the flag.

The writer unquestionably supports the idea that our public school should recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily. For one, saying the pledge shows respect to the flag and to the entire nation at large. Also, reciting it brings a since of nationalism to the people and citizens of the United States which adds more pride to themselves over all. Most importantly, the pledge represents past wars and soldiers lost in those wars who were fighting for our country. Students need this reminder. So be loud and be proud! Say the Pledge of Allegiance with pride!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning and satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school and is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. (“‘I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.’ ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“For one, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance displays respect for the American flag and American soldiers. These soldiers greatly appreciate the fact that others are reciting the Pledge of Allegiance for them and their country. In many ways, reciting the pledge displays our appreciation for them and what the American soldiers are doing for America. Also, hearing the pledge might encourage these troops to go back out to fight for our country again. For example, a man who just came back from fighting in a war could hear a fellow citizen recite the pledge and could be encouraged by it to go back into another country and continue battling for us. This is only one the many reasons why the writer believes that it is more appropriate to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Even though it was created as an advertisement to sell more American flags, it is regularly recited at public events and especially in public schools around the country. The writer knows that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance honors America and American troops. This understanding has led the writer to believe that the pledge should be recited by each student at school every day. There are varying reasons why the writer feels this way about the pledge.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas using relevant content. He/she develops arguments using sufficient details to support the stated position; however, the use of statistics and other data on the issue would augment the overall argument. Notably, the writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Though the writer strongly supports the idea that we should recite the Pledge of Allegiance at school daily, he understands why some people would not want to recite it at school. First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance was only created as an advertisement to sell more American flags. This means that the Pledge of Allegiance was not created for the purpose of respecting America and to represent the flag. This could cause a student to have disrespect for the flag and a negative appeal towards reciting it in school. Even so, it is much better in the writer's opinion to recite it in a school like ours daily to show our respect for America and the flag.”)

The writer’s details support the main ideas of each body paragraph. (“The final reason why the writer believes that it is best for everyone to say the Pledge of Allegiance at our school is that it reminds the person or persons reciting it about the great wars that we have won and the many American soldiers that our country has lost because of these wars. This reminder is placed back into the student's head each time he or she recites the pledge. For example, a student could be reminded of the war just by saying the pledge and could commit his or herself to joining the military due to just reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at school. That could occur just from a student reciting those thirty or so words.”)

Including statistics on the issue could strengthen the argument as well as the writer’s credibility. (“Even though it was created as an advertisement to sell more American flags, it is regularly recited at public events and especially in public schools around the country. The writer knows that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance honors America and American troops. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“The writer knows that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance honors America and American troops. This understanding has led the writer to believe that the pledge should be recited by each student at school every day. There are varying reasons why the writer feels this way about the pledge.”)

Transitions help to show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“More importantly, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance regularly adds a sense of nationalism to the citizens of the United States. In other words, people reciting the pledge seem to have more pride for America. This is because the pledge is a reminder of our freedom and independence as a nation plus what our country was forced to persevere through to earn it. Though the pledge sometimes reminds people of tragic events also, the pledge still provides a positive since to the citizens over all. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“The writer unquestionably supports the idea that our public school should recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily. For one, saying the pledge shows respect to the flag and to the entire nation at large. Also, reciting it brings a since of nationalism to the people and citizens of the United States which adds more pride to themselves over all. Most importantly, the pledge represents past wars and soldiers lost in those wars who were fighting for our country. Students need this reminder. So be loud and be proud! Say the Pledge of Allegiance with pride!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses appropriate language to argue his/her points for reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. (“The final reason why the writer believes that it is best for everyone to say the Pledge of Allegiance at our school is that it reminds the person or persons reciting it about the great wars that we have won and the many American soldiers that our country has lost because of these wars. This reminder is placed back into the student's head each time he or she recites the pledge. For example, a student could be reminded of the war just by saying the pledge and could commit his or herself to joining the military due to just reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at school. That could occur just from a student reciting those thirty or so words.”)

The writer creates complex, sentence structures that include relevant details to support the main ideas of the argument presented. (“For one, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance displays respect for the American flag and American soldiers. These soldiers greatly appreciate the fact that others are reciting the Pledge of Allegiance for them and their country. In many ways, reciting the pledge displays our appreciation for them and what the American soldiers are doing for America. Also, hearing the pledge might encourage these troops to go back out to fight for our country again. For example, a man who just came back from fighting in a war could hear a fellow citizen recite the pledge and could be encouraged by it to go back into another country and continue battling for us. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“The writer unquestionably supports the idea that our public school should recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily. For one, saying the pledge shows respect to the flag and to the entire nation at large. Also, reciting it brings a since of nationalism to the people and citizens of the United States which adds more pride to themselves over all. Most importantly, the pledge represents past wars and soldiers lost in those wars who were fighting for our country. Students need this reminder. So be loud and be proud! ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“Though the pledge sometimes reminds people of tragic events also, the pledge still provides a positive since to the citizens over all. Don't you as our principal want your students to feel pride for our country and American troops? The writer hopes that you do. There is one other important reason why the writer knows that it is best that everyone in or out school says the Pledge of Allegiance daily.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mrs. Jones

I am an American. I love America! Full of rights and freedom, it's the best country in the world! I would do anything to show that I love my country, and that it is the best. We have the 4th of July, Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, all for the USA and her people. But one common practice among Americans I do not agree on is the Pledge of Allegiance. I know I just said that I would do anything to show love for America, but honestly, a pledge should only be said once. Isn't that what a pledge means?

When i think of a pledge, or an oath, I think of an exclusive little club in which you recite a pledge when u are first accepted into it, stating that you know the rules and consequences and such. Now, America is truly an exclusive club, too. Only a percentage of the people in the world get to live in our great country. It's sad that most people in the world will never get to enjoy freedom like it is in America, but that is just the truth. The Pledge of Allegiance should be more similar to an actual pledge or oath, maybe recited when one becomes a citizen or on one's first day of school. I mean, it’s a pledge, why do we recite it every day at school?

The pledge, although it may not seem like it, takes up time. Fifteen seconds doesn't seem that long, but with almost two-hundred days in a school year, it adds up. That's a couple more minutes that could be used to prepare for a test, teaching more in a lesson, or spending more time on a particular subject or aspect that students may not fully understand. Over a whole students career, through high school, they wasted over an hour of time for test prep and slightly more in-depth analysis on a subject, and could be the difference between an 'A' or a 'B', and possibly the difference between an Ivy League college, and a regular one.

Now, I know many people will say that the pledge is a nice practice for our amazing country. As I already stated, a pledge is a pledge, meant only to be said once, not multiple times. One may also say that it only takes about 15 seconds, and, again, as I have already stated, time adds up, no matter how little the amount is, it adds up. One hour of school gone could've been used for prep and analysis and improve our grades.

In conclusion, the pledge should not be recited every morning, for it is a pledge, and that its wastes time that adds up to a great amount. I know that by now you have already decided that my opinion is true and action should be made in public schools all around our great nation.

Your Student,

John Smith

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. He/she establishes an opinion about the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in school and adequately attempts to argue the assertion . A basic understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience is demonstrated.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I am an American. I love America! Full of rights and freedom, it's the best country in the world! I would do anything to show that I love my country, and that it is the best. We have the 4th of July, Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, all for the USA and her people. But one common practice among Americans I do not agree on is the Pledge of Allegiance. I know I just said that I would do anything to show love for America, but honestly, a pledge should only be said once. Isn't that what a pledge means?”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The pledge, although it may not seem like it, takes up time. Fifteen seconds doesn't seem that long, but with almost two-hundred days in a school year, it adds up. That's a couple more minutes that could be used to prepare for a test, teaching more in a lesson, or spending more time on a particular subject or aspect that students may not fully understand. Over a whole students career, through high school, they wasted over an hour of time for test prep and slightly more in-depth analysis on a subject, and could be the difference between an 'A' or a 'B', and possibly the difference between an Ivy League college, and a regular one.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his /her audience and avoids the use of informal language. (“Now, I know many people will say that the pledge is a nice practice for our amazing country. As I already stated, a pledge is a pledge, meant only to be said once, not multiple times. One may also say that it only takes about 15 seconds, and, again, as I have already stated, time adds up, no matter how little the amount is, it adds up. One hour of school gone could've been used for prep and analysis and improve our grades.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the asserted position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more effective.

Most of the writer’s details are relevant to the argument. (“The pledge, although it may not seem like it, takes up time. Fifteen seconds doesn't seem that long, but with almost two-hundred days in a school year, it adds up. That's a couple more minutes that could be used to prepare for a test, teaching more in a lesson, or spending more time on a particular subject or aspect that students may not fully understand. Over a whole students career, through high school, they wasted over an hour of time for test prep and slightly more in-depth analysis on a subject, and could be the difference between an 'A' or a 'B', and possibly the difference between an Ivy League college, and a regular one.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Now, America is truly an exclusive club, too. Only a percentage of the people in the world get to live in our great country. It's sad that most people in the world will never get to enjoy freedom like it is in America, but that is just the truth. The Pledge of Allegiance should be more similar to an actual pledge or oath, maybe recited when one becomes a citizen or on one's first day of school. I mean, it’s a pledge, why do we recite it every day at school?”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Now, I know many people will say that the pledge is a nice practice for our amazing country. As I already stated, a pledge is a pledge, meant only to be said once, not multiple times. One may also say that it only takes about 15 seconds, and, again, as I have already stated, time adds up, no matter how little the amount is, it adds up. One hour of school gone could've been used for prep and analysis and improve our grades.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. He/she demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, and overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“I am an American. I love America! Full of rights and freedom, it's the best country in the world! I would do anything to show that I love my country, and that it is the best. We have the 4th of July, Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, all for the USA and her people. But one common practice among Americans I do not agree on is the Pledge of Allegiance. I know I just said that I would do anything to show love for America, but honestly, a pledge should only be said once. Isn't that what a pledge means?”)

The writer uses subtle transitions that promote the flow and sequence of ideas. (“Now, America is truly an exclusive club, too. Only a percentage of the people in the world get to live in our great country. It's sad that most people in the world will never get to enjoy freedom like it is in America, but that is just the truth. The Pledge of Allegiance should be more similar to an actual pledge or oath, maybe recited when one becomes a citizen or on one's first day of school. I mean, it’s a pledge, why do we recite it every day at school?”)

The writer’s conclusion restates his/her position on the issue of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in the classroom; however, a summary of the main points and a specific call to action would make the conclusion more effective and appealing. (“In conclusion, the pledge should not be recited every morning, for it is a pledge, and that its wastes time that adds up to a great amount. I know that by now you have already decided that my opinion is true and action should be made in public schools all around our great nation.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“We have the 4th of July, Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, all for the USA and her people. But one common practice among Americans I do not agree on is the Pledge of Allegiance. I know I just said that I would do anything to show love for America, but honestly, a pledge should only be said once. Isn't that what a pledge means?”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“The pledge, although it may not seem like it, takes up time. Fifteen seconds doesn't seem that long, but with almost two-hundred days in a school year, it adds up. That's a couple more minutes that could be used to prepare for a test, teaching more in a lesson, or spending more time on a particular subject or aspect that students may not fully understand. Over a whole students career, through high school, they wasted over an hour of time for test prep and slightly more in-depth analysis on a subject, and could be the difference between an 'A' or a 'B', and possibly the difference between an Ivy League college, and a regular one.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Now, I know many people will say that the pledge is a nice practice for our amazing country. As I already stated, a pledge is a pledge, meant only to be said once, not multiple times. One may also say that it only takes about 15 seconds, and, again, as I have already stated, time adds up, no matter how little the amount is, it adds up. One hour of school gone could've been used for prep and analysis and improve our grades.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . The essay contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“When i think of a pledge, or an oath, I think of an exclusive little club in which you recite a pledge when u are first accepted into it, stating that you know the rules and consequences and such. Now, America is truly an exclusive club, too. Only a percentage of the people in the world get to live in our great country.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you noticed that everybody knows the Pledge of Allegiance? Well, when the Pledge was first introduced it was used a way to sell flags. Basically, it was used in an advertising campaign to help promote the sales of flags.The Pledge is regularly recited in unison at public events and especially in public schools, where it is often part of a daily routine in the morning.'

For an agreement, i think that we should still say the Pledge of Allegiance. It will show people that we care, and still have respect for our country. The reason why I agree is because, it would feel weird to some people not saying it. To some people, it would probably feel like the malls and stores closing down, and they stopped making candy, clothes, shoes, food, and so on. But to me it would feel like a crime, or a law. For some reason, a lot of laws are being brought back up now. Even the police are getting stricter on driving without a license, drinking, doing drugs, and stealing. A lot of people do these things mostly everyday, and do not get caught.

A lot of people enjoy saying the Pledge because, they want their voices to be heard. To some people, they do not care about saying the Pledge because, it is not important to them. Some people also learn something everyday by saying the it. Like some people who have fought for our country, are still alive. The only thing that is diffrent, is that these people are really old. But some of them can tell you what they did, how they did it, and what they ate during the war. Some of these people can not, because, they will probably be too old, and their voices change, or they are death.

If some people came to our school, then they would be surprised because, we celebrate veternarians day. Veternariens day to us is a day where we give thanks, we give thanks to the people who have fought for our country, just so that we can get freedom. Some of these people are dead. While others that used to go to my school is still alive, trying to fight for our rights, that a lot of ther countries do not get to have, and do. This is probably why we have to say the Pledge. Like when teachers tell us that we should be grateful for whatis being done, and for what has been done. I think that they are right.

Mrs. Smith, I know that you want your student body to be one that is known for its behaviors including respect. That is probably a major role that we should play in our school. Especially behavior. That is also the most major role that we are, or should play in the school. What better way to display this than 800 kids proudly reuniting the Pledge of Allegiance to the united states of America.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ For an agreement, i think that we should still say the Pledge of Allegiance. It will show people that we care, and still have respect for our country. The reason why I agree is because, it would feel weird to some people not saying it. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the asserted opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Veternariens day to us is a day where we give thanks, we give thanks to the people who have fought for our country, just so that we can get freedom. Some of these people are dead. While others that used to go to my school is still alive, trying to fight for our rights, that a lot of ther countries do not get to have, and do. This is probably why we have to say the Pledge. Like when teachers tell us that we should be grateful for whatis being done, and for what has been done. I think that they are right.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in acknowledging the counterarguments that this issue could clearly present. (“ A lot of people enjoy saying the Pledge because, they want their voices to be heard. To some people, they do not care about saying the Pledge because, it is not important to them. Some people also learn something everyday by saying the it. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. Although the writer attempts to address readers, he/she does not integrate recognizable counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“A lot of people enjoy saying the Pledge because, they want their voices to be heard. To some people, they do not care about saying the Pledge because, it is not important to them. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for supporting the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in school, it is not an effective support for the argument. (“If some people came to our school, then they would be surprised because, we celebrate veternarians day. Veternariens day to us is a day where we give thanks, we give thanks to the people who have fought for our country, just so that we can get freedom. Some of these people are dead. While others that used to go to my school is still alive, trying to fight for our rights, that a lot of ther countries do not get to have, and do. This is probably why we have to say the Pledge. Like when teachers tell us that we should be grateful for whatis being done, and for what has been done. I think that they are right.”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for supporting the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in school, but the supporting examples are too limited and too repetitive to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“Some people also learn something everyday by saying the it. Like some people who have fought for our country, are still alive. The only thing that is diffrent, is that these people are really old. But some of them can tell you what they did, how they did it, and what they ate during the war. Some of these people can not, because, they will probably be too old, and their voices change, or they are death.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. He/she incorporates the use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer offers information on the origin of the Pledge of Allegiance. (“ Have you noticed that everybody knows the Pledge of Allegiance? Well, when the Pledge was first introduced it was used a way to sell flags. Basically, it was used in an advertising campaign to help promote the sales of flags. ”)

Limited transitions are included between paragraphs and sentences. By employing more effective transitions, the sequence and flow of the response would be enhanced. (“For an agreement, i think that we should still say the Pledge of Allegiance. It will show people that we care, and still have respect for our country. The reason why I agree is because, it would feel weird to some people not saying it. To some people, it would probably feel like the malls and stores closing down, and they stopped making candy, clothes, shoes, food, and so on. But to me it would feel like a crime, or a law. For some reason, a lot of laws are being brought back up now. ”)

The essay’s conclusion, although limited, does attempt a call to action to the intended audience. (“Mrs. Smith, I know that you want your student body to be one that is known for its behaviors including respect. That is probably a major role that we should play in our school. Especially behavior. That is also the most major role that we are, or should play in the school. What better way to display this than 800 kids proudly reuniting the Pledge of Allegiance to the united states of America.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“For an agreement, i think that we should still say the Pledge of Allegiance. It will show people that we care, and still have respect for our country. The reason why I agree is because, it would feel weird to some people not saying it. To some people, it would probably feel like the malls and stores closing down, and they stopped making candy, clothes, shoes, food, and so on. But to me it would feel like a crime, or a law. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“If some people came to our school, then they would be surprised because, we celebrate veternarians day. Veternariens day to us is a day where we give thanks, we give thanks to the people who have fought for our country, just so that we can get freedom. Some of these people are dead.”)

Short, choppy sentences and simple word choices do not engage readers or lend credibility to the writer. (“A lot of people enjoy saying the Pledge because, they want their voices to be heard. To some people, they do not care about saying the Pledge because, it is not important to them. Some people also learn something everyday by saying the it. Like some people who have fought for our country, are still alive. The only thing that is diffrent, is that these people are really old. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Some people also learn something everyday by saying the it. Like some people who have fought for our country, are still alive. The only thing that is diffrent, is that these people are really old. But some of them can tell you what they did, how they did it, and what they ate during the war. Some of these people can not, because, they will probably be too old, and their voices change, or they are death.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Smith

I am writing a letter to you about my position on when students have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. When the students at our school recite the pledge of allegiance nobody seems to really pay attention to what the words in the poem mean. They never really know how important this was back then. All the students reciting the pledge don't even know what their saying half the time. Some kids at our school don't even understand why there saying what they are told to say.

In my position of having to say the pledge is that even though it is important to us we shouldn't have to say the pledge. Sometimes in class we don't even stand up or say anything while you are reciting the pledge to us. I usually just stand up and put my hand over my heart and not say anything. The reasons why I don't say anything is because for at least 8 years I have had to recite the pledge in class. I would love to not have to say the pledge over everyday, maybe once a week because the pledge is from the past and I thinks that the class wouldn't have to waste 10 seconds of extra education time we could be using for math, science, social studies, communications or study hall or encore classes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ I am writing a letter to you about my position on when students have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. When the students at our school recite the pledge of allegiance nobody seems to really pay attention to what the words in the poem mean. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“All the students reciting the pledge don't even know what their saying half the time. Some kids at our school don't even understand why there saying what they are told to say.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ Sometimes in class we don't even stand up or say anything while you are reciting the pledge to us. I usually just stand up and put my hand over my heart and not say anything. The reasons why I don't say anything is because for at least 8 years I have had to recite the pledge in class. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content to argue his/her stance on reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the asserted position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“They never really know how important this was back then. All the students reciting the pledge don't even know what their saying half the time. Some kids at our school don't even understand why there saying what they are told to say.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ In my position of having to say the pledge is that even though it is important to us we shouldn't have to say the pledge. Sometimes in class we don't even stand up or say anything while you are reciting the pledge to us. I usually just stand up and put my hand over my heart and not say anything. The reasons why I don't say anything is because for at least 8 years I have had to recite the pledge in class. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay response that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same ideas throughout the essay. (“The reasons why I don't say anything is because for at least 8 years I have had to recite the pledge in class. I would love to not have to say the pledge over everyday, maybe once a week because the pledge is from the past and I thinks that the class wouldn't have to waste 10 seconds of extra education time we could be using for math, science, social studies, communications or study hall or encore classes.”)

Organization

There is minimal organization of ideas in the essay . The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I am writing a letter to you about my position on when students have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. When the students at our school recite the pledge of allegiance nobody seems to really pay attention to what the words in the poem mean. They never really know how important this was back then. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ In my position of having to say the pledge is that even though it is important to us we shouldn't have to say the pledge. Sometimes in class we don't even stand up or say anything while you are reciting the pledge to us. I usually just stand up and put my hand over my heart and not say anything. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“I would love to not have to say the pledge over everyday, maybe once a week because the pledge is from the past and I thinks that the class wouldn't have to waste 10 seconds of extra education time we could be using for math, science, social studies, communications or study hall or encore classes.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain underdeveloped ideas. (“I would love to not have to say the pledge over everyday, maybe once a week because the pledge is from the past and I thinks that the class wouldn't have to waste 10 seconds of extra education time we could be using for math, science, social studies, communications or study hall or encore classes.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes a firm stance on the argument for or against reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. (“I am writing a letter to you about my position on when students have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. When the students at our school recite the pledge of allegiance nobody seems to really pay attention to what the words in the poem mean. They never really know how important this was back then.”)

The essay does not incorporate effective terms to argue the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“In my position of having to say the pledge is that even though it is important to us we shouldn't have to say the pledge. Sometimes in class we don't even stand up or say anything while you are reciting the pledge to us. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, words are used or spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“All the students reciting the pledge don't even know what their saying half the time. Some kids at our school don't even understand why there saying what they are told to say.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Pledge Of Allegiance

I think the pledge of allegiance is A good way to represent the united states of America and to be able to know what are country is about. I think it may help us with representing are state. I think when ever some one die's the lived in the united states there should be A five minute silence among the howl united states at the very same exact time for everyone and that would let us think about are state and then they will think why do we do this. but they have to find that out them selves cus cus they have to think A good reason why we do A quiet period of time.

there will be some people that may think the way that they act and what they do that is not good for there country and my stop and may not stop.

I think we should have it so we can still represent our country.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning and satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates a nominal effort in asserting a position for the argument presented, and additionally, little attempt is made to argue the issue in any way.

The essay vaguely reveals the writer’s stance on the issue and fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to illustrate the value of the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in school. (“ I think the pledge of allegiance is A good way to represent the united states of America and to be able to know what are country is about. I think it may help us with representing are state. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“I think when ever some one die's the lived in the united states there should be A five minute silence among the howl united states at the very same exact time for everyone and that would let us think about are state and then they will think why do we do this. but they have to find that out them selves cus cus they have to think A good reason why we do A quiet period of time.”)

There is a lack of focus on the argument, which renders the response inadequate for the purpose of the prompt task. (“but they have to find that out them selves cus cus they have to think A good reason why we do A quiet period of time. there will be some people that may think the way that they act and what they do that is not good for there country and my stop and may not stop. I think we should have it so we can still represent our country.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments or to establish a position on the issue of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. Additionally, the writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay are needed. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“I think it may help us with representing are state. I think when ever some one die's the lived in the united states there should be A five minute silence among the howl united states at the very same exact time for everyone and that would let us think about are state and then they will think why do we do this.”)

The writer neglects to effectively address opposing points of view on the issue of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school. (“there will be some people that may think the way that they act and what they do that is not good for there country and my stop and may not stop.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how reciting the pledge is how we represent our country. (“I think we should have it so we can still represent our country.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think the pledge of allegiance is A good way to represent the united states of America and to be able to know what are country is about. I think it may help us with representing are state. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“but they have to find that out them selves cus cus they have to think A good reason why we do A quiet period of time. there will be some people that may think the way that they act and what they do that is not good for there country and my stop and may not stop.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“I think we should have it so we can still represent our country.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the thesis statement effectively. (“I think the pledge of allegiance is A good way to represent the united states of America and to be able to know what are country is about. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I think when ever some one die's the lived in the united states there should be A five minute silence among the howl united states at the very same exact time for everyone and that would let us think about are state and then they will think why do we do this. ”)

The writer employs simple word choices that do not contribute to an effective message. (“there will be some people that may think the way that they act and what they do that is not good for there country and my stop and may not stop. I think we should have it so we can still represent our country.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is correct. (“but they have to find that out them selves cus cus they have to think A good reason why we do A quiet period of time.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Recommend Food to the Cafeteria

The cafeteria serves some foods people like and some they don't like. Think about three different foods that you would like the cafeteria manager to serve that you can't get now in the cafeteria. Write a letter to the cafeteria manager convincing him or her [b7] to serve each of the three new foods that you are suggesting.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mrs. S,

When you think of cafeteria food, what's the first idea to pop into your head? Most likely, you're thinking of the stereotypical mush and mystery meat that is served to kids on television programs nowadays. The truth is, the lunches from school might not be that terrible, but that's not to say they're delicious either. School lunches usually look artificial and plastic when it comes to our school's menu choices. You may realize that when kids are opening burger sliders out of heated up plastic bags, they're anything but overjoyed. To put it quite frankly, most of us find the school lunches not appetizing at all. The pasta is usually watered down, and most of the vegetables are limp and lifeless. Not to say that our lunches needed to be five star restaurant quality, but it would be nice if they were a bit fresher. I propose fruit salad, sub sandwiches, and pasta with a vegetable for some new lunch options; I believe that these dishes will be better for our student body because of the variety and nutrition that they present for our kids.

Fruit salad is an awesome alternative to having the usual lettuce and veggies salad. I know that a lot of kids don't eat as many different vegetables as they do fruit; so, a fruit salad might be more beneficial than a normal one. Fruit is also extremely healthy and provides a good source of nutrition, vitamins, and calories. The natural sugar that is in the fruit is better for us, than say, a cherry ice pop or lemon sorbet that some will buy for lunch. Kids love candy and cake, there's no doubt about that, but they don't necessarily like legitimate food; foods like chicken, vegetables, and fruit. Maybe, by giving the fruit salad as a new lunch option kids will buy it because it's sweet, but they'll also be getting a healthy lunch along with it. Fruit is fresh and more fertile during the spring so you might have to serve it during only that time. I noticed that when students have the regular hamburgers or hot dogs for lunch they don't seem nearly as energized as they do after having a chicken wrap or salad for lunch. By providing a fruit salad it could be beneficial for the thinking and the activity of every student. Healthier food will boost student's energy levels and allow them to focus more sharply in class. Fruit salad is an outstanding choice for lunch because of this, but it's not the only food I can suggest for lunch.

Above, I stated how fruit salad is not the only food I suggested for lunch, there's the sub sandwiches I requested too. My reasoning for suggesting subs is because of the variety and content of the sandwiches. Subs are filling, but also healthy in the toppings that are added on to them. To make it easy on the lunch ladies, maybe you could offer one type of bread, meat like chicken, ham, or turkey, and then a cheese like provolone, White American, or cheddar. Where the table usually is for the forks and knives you could set up a station for lettuce, tomatoes, olives, and other vegetables that the students could put on their subs. The sandwiches are a healthy choice that also benefits students with how delicious they taste. Kids sometimes believe that if it's healthy then it's impossible for the food to taste good; by offering sub's you could prove to us that healthy food can be nutritional and taste fantastic all at the same time. Like buzzing bees, kids would swarm to this yummy option. I personally love subs and would definitely buy them if they were on our lunch menu for school. In addition to the sub's I have one more suggestion for cafeteria food at CPS.

My last suggestion for lunch meals at our school is pasta with either peas or broccoli. The reason I suggest this is because practically every kid I know will eat pasta with tomato sauce if there is nothing else to eat. I've gone to sleepovers where we've had no options, so we just made one huge bowl of pasta with red sauce; everyone was perfectly happy with it. The pasta was possibly the best option for all of us and we were all thoroughly satisfied. I ask for the vegetable with it because once again, it makes the meal healthy and provides us with a legitimate amount of nutrition, calories, and sugars. Another reason I chose this dish is because it represents a lot of the food groups; you've got pasta which can be considered a grain, vegetables, most kids will grab milk for dairy, and then maybe the possibility of a fruit cup or Jell-O. By presenting this sort of option for the students they have not only variety, but they also have something tasty to look forward to for lunch. I believe kids might actually be more willing to eat their veggies if they have the option of pasta because it seems more appetizing. The pasta will be a hearty meal and the vegetables would compliment it well. In the end, students will enjoy their lunch rather than throwing the lot of it away or down the drain.

In summary, I believe that my ideas for fruit salad, sub sandwiches, and pasta with a veggie at lunch are very thoughtful and bring a healthier side to our school meals. I concur that the healthy foods would be way more appetizing than the greasy hamburgers and oily food we're eating now. If you were still a kid, would you really be looking forward to the food we're eating in the cafeteria now? I think not. Fruit salad is a wonderful way to keep things sweet, but also keep us in good form too. We'll concentrate and be able to last through the day with such a spectacular meal. Sub sandwiches would provide enough substance that students are full without being famished, and they are also extremely delicious. Lastly, the pasta with vegetables is an option that any kid will eat. There is not one student that I know of, that doesn't eat pasta one time during the month, and maybe kids would look forward to that extra pasta to have at school. These new dishes would scream out deliciousness to the kids, and so they would be very tempted to buy them. This all sounds like a pretty awesome plan to me, what do you think?

Sincerely,

A Healthy Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“I propose fruit salad, sub sandwiches, and pasta with a vegetable for some new lunch options; I believe that these dishes will be better for our student body because of the variety and nutrition that they present for our kids.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Fruit salad is an awesome alternative to having the usual lettuce and veggies salad. I know that a lot of kids don't eat as many different vegetables as they do fruit; so, a fruit salad might be more beneficial than a normal one.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that the school should provide new menu items in the cafeteria. (“My last suggestion for lunch meals at our school is pasta with either peas or broccoli. The reason I suggest this is because practically every kid I know will eat pasta with tomato sauce if there is nothing else to eat.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of specific food choices to recommend to the school's cafeteria . The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Kids sometimes believe that if it's healthy then it's impossible for the food to taste good; by offering sub's you could prove to us that healthy food can be nutritional and taste fantastic all at the same time.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“The reason I suggest this is because practically every kid I know will eat pasta with tomato sauce if there is nothing else to eat. I've gone to sleepovers where we've had no options, so we just made one huge bowl of pasta with red sauce; everyone was perfectly happy with it. The pasta was possibly the best option for all of us and we were all thoroughly satisfied.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. (“I know that a lot of kids don't eat as many different vegetables as they do fruit; so, a fruit salad might be more beneficial than a normal one. Fruit is also extremely healthy and provides a good source of nutrition, vitamins, and calories. The natural sugar that is in the fruit is better for us, than say, a cherry ice pop or lemon sorbet that some will buy for lunch. Kids love candy and cake, there's no doubt about that, but they don't necessarily like legitimate food; foods like chicken, vegetables, and fruit. Maybe, by giving the fruit salad as a new lunch option kids will buy it because it's sweet, but they'll also be getting a healthy lunch along with it.”) The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the attention of the readers. (“When you think of cafeteria food, what's the first idea to pop into your head? Most likely, you're thinking of the stereotypical mush and mystery meat that is served to kids on television programs nowadays. The truth is, the lunches from school might not be that terrible, but that's not to say they're delicious either. School lunches usually look artificial and plastic when it comes to our school's menu choices. You may realize that when kids are opening burger sliders out of heated up plastic bags, they're anything but overjoyed. To put it quite frankly, most of us find the school lunches not appetizing at all.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to start off,” “moving along,” “arguably,” and “in conclusion” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Above, I stated how fruit salad is not the only food I suggested for lunch, there's the sub sandwiches I requested too. … My last suggestion for lunch meals at our school is pasta with either peas or broccoli.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“In summary, I believe that my ideas for fruit salad, sub sandwiches, and pasta with a veggie at lunch are very thoughtful and bring a healthier side to our school meals. I concur that the healthy foods would be way more appetizing than the greasy hamburgers and oily food we're eating now. If you were still a kid, would you really be looking forward to the food we're eating in the cafeteria now? I think not. Fruit salad is a wonderful way to keep things sweet, but also keep us in good form too. We'll concentrate and be able to last through the day with such a spectacular meal. Sub sandwiches would provide enough substance that students are full without being famished, and they are also extremely delicious. Lastly, the pasta with vegetables is an option that any kid will eat. There is not one student that I know of, that doesn't eat pasta one time during the month, and maybe kids would look forward to that extra pasta to have at school. These new dishes would scream out deliciousness to the kids, and so they would be very tempted to buy them. This all sounds like a pretty awesome plan to me, what do you think?”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“In summary, I believe that my ideas for fruit salad, sub sandwiches, and pasta with a veggie at lunch are very thoughtful and bring a healthier side to our school meals. I concur that the healthy foods would be way more appetizing than the greasy hamburgers and oily food we're eating now. If you were still a kid, would you really be looking forward to the food we're eating in the cafeteria now? I think not.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“These new dishes would scream out deliciousness to the kids, and so they would be very tempted to buy them. This all sounds like a pretty awesome plan to me, what do you think?”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Like buzzing bees, kids would swarm to this yummy option. I personally love subs and would definitely buy them if they were on our lunch menu for school. In addition to the sub's I have one more suggestion for cafeteria food at CPS.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and words are spelled correctly. (“In summary, I believe that my ideas for fruit salad, sub sandwiches, and pasta with a veggie at lunch are very thoughtful and bring a healthier side to our school meals.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Cafeteria Manager,

Splat! Squeash! Sticky, brown syrup is stuck to the smelly, gross tables, spaghetti sauce is carelessly splattered against the already dirty wall, and orange cheetos are crunched on the messy, unswept ground. This is our Middle School's cafeteria right now after everyone is done eating lunch. How in the entire world could someone solve how to keep the cafeteria clean and presentable? Our middle school should add healthier foods. Although some people would rather eat or drink unhealthy foods for lunch, the school should add pretzels, pizza rolls, and water to their menu.

First of all, the school should add pretzels to the menu because they are less messy than other kinds of chips. Pretzels do not stick to fingers, walls, floors, and other places like Doritos, Cheetos, and Goldfish. If the school let students have pretzels, then there would be a smaller, less untidy space for the lunch ladies to clean and it would help keep students cleaner, letting them focus on other things then how dreadful they look such as homework, schoolwork, reading, etc. They have less calories than a bag of chips, and the school could buy no salt pretzels. Being healthier is beneficial to everyone because people can set a splendid example for others, have more energy throughout the day, and people's moods are slowly but surely raised towards happiness.

Secondly, the school should add pizza rolls to their menu because they are filling. Fewer people would be hungry if they had more filling foods. When I get home from school, my brother and I always eat a snack because we are hungry. Hundreds of kids eat after school snacks because their schools do not feed them filling foods. Be the school the students want it to be. In addition to being filling, pizza rolls are miniscule. They take up almost no space and because it hardly takes up space in the closet, the lunch ladies can have more room to fit the larger foods such as milk, fruit, and chicken nuggets. Pizza rolls should definitely be added because they take up less than ten inches in space and they are extremely filling.

Although people may say students have drinking fountains to drink cold, refreshing water from, students should be able to access water from the cafeteria. Even though there are drinking fountains outside the cafe, students would enjoy life better if they could be served that clean, purified water. When hearing the drizzle of water slowly leaking into a dry, parched mouth or after someone eats a yummy, fabulous meal can make anyone happy, right? Be the lunch ladies the students want them to be. Serve students water because it is cheaper. Water is cheaper than milk, soda, juice, or any other drink. The money being spent into other drinks could be used to buy healthier foods such as apples, green beans, broccoli, brussel sprouts, etc.

In conclusion, as the manager of our middle school cafeteria, you should add pretzels, pizza rolls, and water to the menu. Care about the students' health and yours, too. Do not break your back scrubbing tables and floors. Be the amazing cafeteria manager students and you want to be.

Sincerely,

A concerned student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue to persuade readers that the cafeteria should provide better food choices. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Splat! Squeash! Sticky, brown syrup is stuck to the smelly, gross tables, spaghetti sauce is carelessly splattered against the already dirty wall, and orange cheetos are crunched on the messy, unswept ground. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First of all, the school should add pretzels to the menu because they are less messy than other kinds of chips. Pretzels do not stick to fingers, walls, floors, and other places like Doritos, Cheetos, and Goldfish. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Our middle school should add healthier foods. Although some people would rather eat or drink unhealthy foods for lunch, the school should add pretzels, pizza rolls, and water to their menu. ”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Although people may say students have drinking fountains to drink cold, refreshing water from, students should be able to access water from the cafeteria. Even though there are drinking fountains outside the cafe, students would enjoy life better if they could be served that clean, purified water. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Secondly, the school should add pizza rolls to their menu because they are filling. Fewer people would be hungry if they had more filling foods. When I get home from school, my brother and I always eat a snack because we are hungry. ”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“First of all, the school should add pretzels to the menu because they are less messy than other kinds of chips. Pretzels do not stick to fingers, walls, floors, and other places like Doritos, Cheetos, and Goldfish. If the school let students have pretzels, then there would be a smaller, less untidy space for the lunch ladies to clean and it would help keep students cleaner, letting them focus on other things then how dreadful they look such as homework, schoolwork, reading, etc. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Although some people would rather eat or drink unhealthy foods for lunch, the school should add pretzels, pizza rolls, and water to their menu. ”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Splat! Squeash! Sticky, brown syrup is stuck to the smelly, gross tables, spaghetti sauce is carelessly splattered against the already dirty wall, and orange cheetos are crunched on the messy, unswept ground. This is our Middle School's cafeteria right now after everyone is done eating lunch. How in the entire world could someone solve how to keep the cafeteria clean and presentable? Our middle school should add healthier foods. ”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, as the manager of our middle school cafeteria, you should add pretzels, pizza rolls, and water to the menu. Care about the students' health and yours, too. Do not break your back scrubbing tables and floors. Be the amazing cafeteria manager students and you want to be. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Pizza rolls should definitely be added because they take up less than ten inches in space and they are extremely filling. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Being healthier is beneficial to everyone because people can set a splendid example for others, have more energy throughout the day, and people's moods are slowly but surely raised towards happiness. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“When hearing the drizzle of water slowly leaking into a dry, parched mouth or after someone eats a yummy, fabulous meal can make anyone happy, right? Be the lunch ladies the students want them to be. Serve students water because it is cheaper. ”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ In conclusion, as the manager of our middle school cafeteria, you should add pretzels, pizza rolls, and water to the menu. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Cafeteria Manager,

Imagine walking into your lunch room and just seeing greasy products such as fries, pizza, etc. That is what it is like here at our school. A lot of the choices are unhealthy. Adding some more nutritional items would help this problem. Although some may say that making these changes would be too difficult and unhealthy, in reality, it would be a good choice to add fresh fruit smoothies, non-fat bread sticks, and a variety of soups.

Fresh fruit smoothies have great nutritional value. Smoothies have fruit, milk/yogurt, vitamins, and other essential things. Teenagers especially need this nutrition because they are in the growing stages. Smoothies for a dessert would be a delicious alternative to ice cream. Many parents would love this. Fresh fruit smoothies are the perfect choice because they taste great and are very healthy for you.

Bread sticks and soups would add great variety to our menu. It's something new and kids are always looking for something new. This would allow them to experience new foods and tastes that satisfy them. For example, you wouldn't want kids eating the same products every day. So the way to solve that would be to add something new that tastes good and is healthy. Our menu needs some variety and adding breadsticks would do just that.

Although some may argue that adding these items would be too expensive and a trouble to do. In reality soup, smoothies, and breadsticks are great choices because they all taste delicious and have great nutritional value. This would also add variety to our menu; therefore kids would want to try them. This means more kids would want school lunch, for this reason, you would make more profit. Meeting the national needs is also important as well. By adding these, it would help that issue.

If any of these three items was added into our daily servings then I believe that they would be a great success to this school. The school should make it a point to serve healthier options to the students. Making these changes is a necessary move that is worth the money.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about which foods to recommend to the school's cafeteria and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Although some may say that making these changes would be too difficult and unhealthy, in reality, it would be a good choice to add fresh fruit smoothies, non-fat bread sticks, and a variety of soups.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Bread sticks and soups would add great variety to our menu. It's something new and kids are always looking for something new. This would allow them to experience new foods and tastes that satisfy them.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Fresh fruit smoothies have great nutritional value. Smoothies have fruit, milk/yogurt, vitamins, and other essential things.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Fresh fruit smoothies have great nutritional value. Smoothies have fruit, milk/yogurt, vitamins, and other essential things. Teenagers especially need this nutrition because they are in the growing stages. Smoothies for a dessert would be a delicious alternative to ice cream. Many parents would love this.”)

The explanation and details the writer uses to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Bread sticks and soups would add great variety to our menu. It's something new and kids are always looking for something new.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Although some may argue that adding these items would be too expensive and a trouble to do. In reality soup, smoothies, and breadsticks are great choices because they all taste delicious and have great nutritional value. This would also add variety to our menu; therefore kids would want to try them. This means more kids would want school lunch, for this reason, you would make more profit. Meeting the national needs is also important as well. By adding these, it would help that issue.”)

Organization

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Imagine walking into your lunch room and just seeing greasy products such as fries, pizza, etc. That is what it is like here at our school. A lot of the choices are unhealthy. Adding some more nutritional items would help this problem.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Our menu needs some variety and adding breadsticks would do just that. …Although some may argue that adding these items would be too expensive and a trouble to do.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer’s argument. (“If any of these three items was added into our daily servings then I believe that they would be a great success to this school. The school should make it a point to serve healthier options to the students. Making these changes is a necessary move that is worth the money.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“A lot of the choices are unhealthy. Adding some more nutritional items would help this problem. Although some may say that making these changes would be too difficult and unhealthy, in reality, it would be a good choice to add fresh fruit smoothies, non-fat bread sticks, and a variety of soups.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“This would also add variety to our menu; therefore kids would want to try them. This means more kids would want school lunch, for this reason, you would make more profit. Meeting the national needs is also important as well. By adding these, it would help that issue.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“If any of these three items was added into our daily servings then I believe that they would be a great success to this school. The school should make it a point to serve healthier options to the students.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Cafeteria Manager,

I am concerned about the cafeteria food. I think the food you serve is good, but unhealthy. I have three requests. I think children would like a salad bar, macarone and chicken legs, and a fruit bar.

First, I think that it would be great to have a salad bar. A salad bar would provide healthy and delicious food. I think that the school children would eat the salad if they could see the variety of toppings and dressings.

Second, I think children need to have calcium and protein. A full meal of macaroni and a piece of chicken would provide both calcium and protein. This meal would be filling and satisfing.

Third, I think the school children would like a fruit bar. A fruit bar would provide a sweet and a healthy dessert. Fruit is something almost every child likes and wants.

I clearly think and believe that this would be a good change for the school's cafeteria. Please consider my letter and take in consideration the health of the students.

Sincerely, A Concerned Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of which three food items should be added to the menu in the cafeteria but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I am concerned about the cafeteria food. I think the food you serve is good, but unhealthy. I have three requests. I think children would like a salad bar, macarone and chicken legs, and a fruit bar.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“ First, I think that it would be great to have a salad bar. A salad bar would provide healthy and delicious food. I think that the school children would eat the salad if they could see the variety of toppings and dressings.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“I clearly think and believe that this would be a good change for the school's cafeteria. Please consider my letter and take in consideration the health of the students.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for which three food items should be added to the menu in the cafeteria. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

Some of the writer’s details are convincing; the writer offers suggestions that would make a healthy addition to the cafeteria’s menu. (“ Second, I think children need to have calcium and protein. A full meal of macaroni and a piece of chicken would provide both calcium and protein. This meal would be filling and satisfing.”)

Each supporting reason is used as the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. (" First, I think that it would be great to have a salad bar. … Third, I think the school children would like a fruit bar.")

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for which food items should be added to the cafeteria’s menu, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“Third, I think the school children would like a fruit bar. A fruit bar would provide a sweet and a healthy dessert. Fruit is something almost every child likes and wants.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction. In this case, the writer simply states that they are concerned about the food that is being served in the cafeteria. (“I am concerned about the cafeteria food. I think the food you serve is good, but unhealthy. I have three requests. I think children would like a salad bar, macarone and chicken legs, and a fruit bar.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“Second, I think children need to have calcium and protein. A full meal of macaroni and a piece of chicken would provide both calcium and protein. This meal would be filling and satisfing. …Third, I think the school children would like a fruit bar. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“I clearly think and believe that this would be a good change for the school's cafeteria. Please consider my letter and take in consideration the health of the students.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“ Third, I think the school children would like a fruit bar. A fruit bar would provide a sweet and a healthy dessert. Fruit is something almost every child likes and wants.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on using the phrase, “I think.” (“First, I think that it would be great to have a salad bar. A salad bar would provide healthy and delicious food. I think that the school children would eat the salad if they could see the variety of toppings and dressings. …Second, I think children need to have calcium and protein. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear school board,

I have been eating your school food for 3 years. An I am sick of it . I would like to recommend better food. Such as maybe Mac Donald's, pizza hut, taco bell. A food from other places. I would like to change the food menu from the cafeteria. Because to begin with the food is not that good. Sometimes it tastes really bad.

Another reson that I would like to change the food menu from the school. Is that because at school there isn't that much of a variety of foods? An if we get food from like Mac Donald's, pizza hut, and taco bell. Theres more of a variety of food thats good and that taste pretty good. A this why I would like to change the food. I hope the cafeteria, cafeteria manager, and the school. Will maybe listen to me a change the food.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer makes a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of specific foods to recommend to the cafeteria. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, consequently completing few parts of the task.

A clearly defined opinion about the issue is not stated in the essay. (“I have been eating your school food for 3 years. An I am sick of it . I would like to recommend better food.”)

A minimal understanding of the audience is demonstrated with use of informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“An I am sick of it . I would like to recommend better food. Such as maybe Mac Donald's, pizza hut, taco bell. A food from other places. I would like to change the food menu from the cafeteria. Because to begin with the food is not that good.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“Another reson that I would like to change the food menu from the school. Is that because at school there isn't that much of a variety of foods?”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of which foods to recommend to the cafeteria. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“I would like to recommend better food. Such as maybe Mac Donald's, pizza hut, taco bell. A food from other places.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Another reson that I would like to change the food menu from the school. Is that because at school there isn't that much of a variety of foods? An if we get food from like Mac Donald's, pizza hut, and taco bell. Theres more of a variety of food thats good and that taste pretty good. A this why I would like to change the food.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I have been eating your school food for 3 years. An I am sick of it . I would like to recommend better food. Such as maybe Mac Donald's, pizza hut, taco bell.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Sometimes it tastes really bad. …Another reson that I would like to change the food menu from the school. Is that because at school there isn't that much of a variety of foods?”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs incomplete sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“ I would like to recommend better food. Such as maybe Mac Donald's, pizza hut, taco bell. A food from other places. I would like to change the food menu from the cafeteria. Because to begin with the food is not that good. Sometimes it tastes really bad.”)

There is a minimal variety of sentences in this essay. (" A food from other places. I would like to change the food menu from the cafeteria. Because to begin with the food is not that good.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“Another reson that I would like to change the food menu from the school. Is that because at school there isn't that much of a variety of foods?”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear,to whom it may concern,

There are a few things that I think that you should change about our lunchs. One thing is that the vending machines dont have a big verity of food that they have. Another thing is that we sould have some forum of ice tie avable to drink. Last is that we should have a more verity of food that they serve.

From, a student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers to serve new food in the cafeteria. The writer merely focuses on changes needed at lunch. (“ There are a few things that I think that you should change about our lunchs. One thing is that the vending machines dont have a big verity of food that they have. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ Another thing is that we sould have some forum of ice tie avable to drink. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ There are a few things that I think that you should change about our lunchs. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of recommending specific foods to serve in the cafeteria. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“There are a few things that I think that you should change about our lunchs. ”)

Since this one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are presented in body paragraphs. (“There are a few things that I think that you should change about our lunchs. One thing is that the vending machines dont have a big verity of food that they have. Another thing is that we sould have some forum of ice tie avable to drink. Last is that we should have a more verity of food that they serve. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how lunch needs to change. (“One thing is that the vending machines dont have a big verity of food that they have. Another thing is that we sould have some forum of ice tie avable to drink. Last is that we should have a more verity of food that they serve. ”)

Organization

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“ There are a few things that I think that you should change about our lunchs. One thing is that the vending machines dont have a big verity of food that they have. Another thing is that we sould have some forum of ice tie avable to drink. Last is that we should have a more verity of food that they serve. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“ Last is that we should have a more verity of food that they serve. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Another thing is that we sould have some forum of ice tie avable to drink. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“One thing is that the vending machines dont have a big verity of food that they have. Another thing is that we sould have some forum of ice tie avable to drink. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Recommending Good Entertainment

On the recommendations of friends, people often see certain movies, read certain books, or listen to certain music. What movie have you seen, or what book have you read, or what music have you listened to on the advice of a friend that you really enjoyed, and why did you think it was enjoyable?

Write an essay to persuade your classmates to see the movie, read the book, or listen to the music that you enjoyed.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

You travel into an aged opera house. The auctioneer stands at the head of a large, dusty room, presenting antique bits and pieces from the opera house. After auctioning off numerous items, the auctioneer proudly widens his eyes and presents a mysterious chandelier. You reach to touch it, but realize you're not really there, you are only watching a movie musical named The Phantom of the Opera. This movie can be expressed with many, many words and phrases, but the one that fits it most is simply unbelievable! The Phantom of the Opera has a breathtaking setting, an exceedingly astounding soundtrack, and an implausible plot.

The location of this movie is mainly in an opera house. The floors are a shining off-white marble at the most part, and it has a beautiful staircase to the second floor, which somewhat resembles the ever-famous Titanic staircase. The rooms backstage of the opera house are made of rusted wood, which flawlessly fit the mood of the story. The Phantom of the Opera also contains a scene when the main character, Christine, a young girl walks into a graveyard to visit her long-gone father. The cemetery has statues covered in vines, dusty graves and leafless trees that peek out of the thick mist to give it an eerie mood. This movie's settings are extraordinarily real and cause you to feel like you are sitting in that area yourself.

The soundtrack is one of the very best parts of this story! The voices of "Phantom" (Gerard Butler), Christine (Emmy Rossum), and Raoul (Patrick Wilson) beautifully portray the story as their voices travel neatly up and down, from lengthy to diminutive. I myself have a soundtrack of this movie and it is merely addicting. Just as I listen to the music itself I can picture everything happening. The melody varies from soft to suspenseful; to the kind of music that makes your heart dart back and forth nervously in your chest. This music is extremely inspiring!

Now, for the best trait of all, the plot; it is amazing. I am not kidding you one bit. Phantom of the Opera, originating from a thick book, has changed and gone from year to year, being made into many movies and plays. In this version, Christine, who is the main character, is a dancer in the opera house... the lowest you can get. When the selfish lead of the opera quits as a result of not getting exactly what she wants all the time, Christine is recommended to take the roll and save the performance, and she makes it. She then meets her childhood sweetheart, Raoul, things start changing. The Phantom, who has been haunting the opera house for years, falls in love with her, as well as Raoul, but Christine falls for Raoul. The Phantom of the Opera shows you the many difficulties this love triangle creates, and it's one plot you have to benefit from.

I know, you might say that an opera is not the type of movie that is high on your list to see. I thought that a first, but decided to give it a try. I am very happy with my decision; this movie, although it has opera singing, has a great story. The Phantom of the Opera is such an amazing movie. You can never watch it only once. You'll always be coming back to see and hear the wonderful image, the music and the beautiful, but tragic story of Raoul, Christine, and the Phantom of the Opera.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“You travel into an aged opera house. The auctioneer stands at the head of a large, dusty room, presenting antique bits and pieces from the opera house. After auctioning off numerous items, the auctioneer proudly widens his eyes and presents a mysterious chandelier. You reach to touch it, but realize you're not really there, you are only watching a movie musical named The Phantom of the Opera. This movie can be expressed with many, many words and phrases, but the one that fits it most is simply unbelievable! The Phantom of the Opera has a breathtaking setting, an exceedingly astounding soundtrack, and an implausible plot.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The soundtrack is one of the very best parts of this story! The voices of ‘Phantom’ [Gerard Butler], Christine [Emmy Rossum], and Raoul [Patrick Wilson] beautifully portray the story as their voices travel neatly up and down, from lengthy to diminutive. I myself have a soundtrack of this movie and it is merely addicting”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“The Phantom of the Opera also contains a scene when the main character, Christine, a young girl walks into a graveyard to visit her long-gone father. The cemetery has statues covered in vines, dusty graves and leafless trees that peek out of the thick mist to give it an eerie mood. This movie's settings are extraordinarily real and cause you to feel like you are sitting in that area yourself.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of persuading classmates to see the movie, read the book, or listen to the music that the writer enjoyed. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“I know, you might say that an opera is not the type of movie that is high on your list to see. I thought that a first, but decided to give it a try. I am very happy with my decision; this movie, although it has opera singing, has a great story.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“The Phantom of the Opera is such an amazing movie. You can never watch it only once. You'll always be coming back to see and hear the wonderful image, the music and the beautiful, but tragic story of Raoul, Christine, and the Phantom of the Opera.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“The location of this movie is mainly in an opera house. The floors are a shining off-white marble at the most part, and it has a beautiful staircase to the second floor, which somewhat resembles the ever-famous Titanic staircase. The rooms backstage of the opera house are made of rusted wood, which flawlessly fit the mood of the story.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“You travel into an aged opera house. The auctioneer stands at the head of a large, dusty room, presenting antique bits and pieces from the opera house. After auctioning off numerous items, the auctioneer proudly widens his eyes and presents a mysterious chandelier. You reach to touch it, but realize you're not really there, you are only watching a movie musical named The Phantom of the Opera. This movie can be expressed with many, many words and phrases, but the one that fits it most is simply unbelievable! The Phantom of the Opera has a breathtaking setting, an exceedingly astounding soundtrack, and an implausible plot.”)

Reasons are ordered from least important to most important. (“Now, for the best trait of all, the plot; it is amazing. I am not kidding you one bit. Phantom of the Opera, originating from a thick book, has changed and gone from year to year, being made into many movies and plays.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“I know, you might say that an opera is not the type of movie that is high on your list to see. I thought that a first, but decided to give it a try. I am very happy with my decision; this movie, although it has opera singing, has a great story. The Phantom of the Opera is such an amazing movie. You can never watch it only once. You'll always be coming back to see and hear the wonderful image, the music and the beautiful, but tragic story of Raoul, Christine, and the Phantom of the Opera.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“The Phantom of the Opera is such an amazing movie. You can never watch it only once. You'll always be coming back to see and hear the wonderful image, the music and the beautiful, but tragic story of Raoul, Christine, and the Phantom of the Opera.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“You reach to touch it, but realize you're not really there, you are only watching a movie musical named The Phantom of the Opera. This movie can be expressed with many, many words and phrases, but the one that fits it most is simply unbelievable!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The Phantom, who has been haunting the opera house for years, falls in love with her, as well as Raoul, but Christine falls for Raoul. The Phantom of the Opera shows you the many difficulties this love triangle creates, and it's one plot you have to benefit from.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“You travel into an aged opera house. The auctioneer stands at the head of a large, dusty room, presenting antique bits and pieces from the opera house. After auctioning off numerous items, the auctioneer proudly widens his eyes and presents a mysterious chandelier.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Christmas with the Kranks is a classic comedy and it will keep you laughing for years to come. In this paper I am going to be reviewing the movie Christmas with the Kranks and telling you what I think of the movie. Christmas with the Kranks is a really great movie because of the plot, the acting, and the comedy.

Christmas with the Kranks is a hilarious comedy about a family that decides they are going to skip Christmas this year and spend there money on a cruise. There only child Blare has joined the Peace Core so their plan will work out perfectly and Blare will never have to know that they didn't do Christmas. The family has to avoid there neighbors (especially Vic Fromier the "unelected ward boss of the street" as Mrs. Krank calls him.) Because they are very upset that the Kranks are not going to decorate their house or celebrate Christmas and that Mrs. Krank is not going to have the Christmas Eve party that they all look forward to each year. The day before the Kranks are going to leave they get a phone call that changes all their perfect plans. Watch the movie and you can find out the exciting twist that happens at the end of the movie.

The acting is extremely well done in this movie. Mr. Krank is played by Tim Allen. He does a great job in portraying Luther Krank's funny personality. He is the perfect man for the part. Jamie Lee Curtis plays the part of Nora (Mrs. Krank.) She does an outstanding job playing Mrs. Krank because she cares what other people think of their plans and she is even a little bit threatened by her neighbors. Nora acts just like a wife would if her neighbors were turning against her decision. The actors did a great job with their characters.

This movie will have you laughing non-stop the whole time you are watching it. Luther and Nora are determined to skip Christmas even if there neighbors torture them forever. It is so funny how the Kranks feel like they have to hide in there own house because every day there neighbors are trying to get them to do Christmas. They do this by telling the Kranks that they will put a frosty up on there roof for them and continuously telling them to "free frosty." A lot of funny things happen in this movie. Mr. Krank writes a letter to his workers and tells them not to give him presents. Mrs. Krank is just funny because she misses Blare so much and she cares what other people think of her. This movie will have you on you side laughing.

Some people might say that they are not goig to watch this movie because they do not celebrate Christmas. I do not celebrate Christmas and still think this is a great movie. I think everyone should see this movie no matter what holidays they celebrate. You will not be disappointed. So get your popcorn poppin and watch this great movie!

Christmas with the Kranks was a great movie because of the plot, characters, and comedy. Everyone should see this movie because it will put you in a holiday spirit. So go see Christmas with the Kranks today. And get in the Christmas mood.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of recommending good entertainment to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Christmas with the Kranks is a classic comedy and it will keep you laughing for years to come. In this paper I am going to be reviewing the movie Christmas with the Kranks and telling you what I think of the movie. Christmas with the Kranks is a really great movie because of the plot, the acting, and the comedy. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The acting is extremely well done in this movie. Mr. Krank is played by Tim Allen. He does a great job in portraying Luther Krank's funny personality. He is the perfect man for the part. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Nora acts just like a wife would if her neighbors were turning against her decision. The actors did a great job with their characters. ”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people might say that they are not goig to watch this movie because they do not celebrate Christmas. I do not celebrate Christmas and still think this is a great movie. I think everyone should see this movie no matter what holidays they celebrate. You will not be disappointed. So get your popcorn poppin and watch this great movie! ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“This movie will have you laughing non-stop the whole time you are watching it. Luther and Nora are determined to skip Christmas even if there neighbors torture them forever. It is so funny how the Kranks feel like they have to hide in there own house because every day there neighbors are trying to get them to do Christmas. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Mr. Krank writes a letter to his workers and tells them not to give him presents. Mrs. Krank is just funny because she misses Blare so much and she cares what other people think of her. This movie will have you on you side laughing. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Christmas with the Kranks is a classic comedy and it will keep you laughing for years to come. In this paper I am going to be reviewing the movie Christmas with the Kranks and telling you what I think of the movie. Christmas with the Kranks is a really great movie because of the plot, the acting, and the comedy. ”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“Christmas with the Kranks is a hilarious comedy about a family that decides they are going to skip Christmas this year and spend there money on a cruise. There only child Blare has joined the Peace Core so their plan will work out perfectly and Blare will never have to know that they didn't do Christmas. The family has to avoid there neighbors [especially Vic Fromier the ‘unelected ward boss of the street’ as Mrs. Krank calls him.] ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Christmas with the Kranks was a great movie because of the plot, characters, and comedy. Everyone should see this movie because it will put you in a holiday spirit. So go see Christmas with the Kranks today. And get in the Christmas mood. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Christmas with the Kranks was a great movie because of the plot, characters, and comedy. Everyone should see this movie because it will put you in a holiday spirit. So go see Christmas with the Kranks today. And get in the Christmas mood. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Mrs. Krank is just funny because she misses Blare so much and she cares what other people think of her. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“This movie will have you laughing non-stop the whole time you are watching it. Luther and Nora are determined to skip Christmas even if there neighbors torture them forever. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“The day before the Kranks are going to leave they get a phone call that changes all their perfect plans. Watch the movie and you can find out the exciting twist that happens at the end of the movie. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Flowers For Algernon is a great story, and every eighth grader should read it. How would you feel if you were not as smart as everyone else around you, and everyone mad fun of you? But then you had the chance to change the way you were. I think people should read Flowers For Algernon because there are peopel in this world just like Charlie who have the same problems as Charlie. People also have the same dreams of being as intelligent as everyone else. This story will show you how people like Charlie feel when they are mistreated differently then others because of their character.

First, the story can change how you see other people that are not like you. Charlie felt like he was naked when his co worker's laughed at him, but at first he did not understand. Or when Charlie seen everyone laughing at the young boy in the restaurant, Charlie seen what he once was which made him feel bad about laughing at the boy.

Second it contained changes in life. Charlie was not a good reader or writer. He also did not understand as well. Charlie had a operation to make him intelligent. After the operation, Charlie was more intelligent then ever. He could read, write, and understand just as much as every one else. With all of these changes, Charlie stopped going to his night class with Miss Kinnian. But when all of Charlies intelligence goes away, he decides to leave his home, his friend'sand his love Miss Kinnian because now that he is not smart any more,he does not want anyone to feel sorry for him. So now he was the old Charlie Gordon again.

Last, there was a good friendship bond between Charlie and the rat Algernon. Charlie and Algernon were close because they were going through the same operation, and the same test's. Charlie also had a great relationship with Miss Kinnian. In fact Charlie loved her. He spent so much time with her, at school, or just having lunch with her. But when Charlie had to leave, he was so sad because their bond was so strong.

Clearly, you can see why Flowers for Algernon is a great story.It has great friendship bonds, a change in life, and a change in feelings for one another. If you do not think you would be interested reading this story, give it a try anyway. I hope that every eighth grader takes the chance to read Flowers for Algernon.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion for recommending good entertainment and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Flowers For Algernon is a great story, and every eighth grader should read it. How would you feel if you were not as smart as everyone else around you, and everyone mad fun of you? But then you had the chance to change the way you were. I think people should read Flowers For Algernon because there are peopel in this world just like Charlie who have the same problems as Charlie. People also have the same dreams of being as intelligent as everyone else. This story will show you how people like Charlie feel when they are mistreated differently then others because of their character.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First, the story can change how you see other people that are not like you. Charlie felt like he was naked when his co worker's laughed at him, but at first he did not understand. Or when Charlie seen everyone laughing at the young boy in the restaurant, Charlie seen what he once was which made him feel bad about laughing at the boy.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“If you do not think you would be interested reading this story, give it a try anyway. I hope that every eighth grader takes the chance to read Flowers for Algernon.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Second it contained changes in life. Charlie was not a good reader or writer. He also did not understand as well. Charlie had a operation to make him intelligent.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Last, there was a good friendship bond between Charlie and the rat Algernon. Charlie and Algernon were close because they were going through the same operation, and the same test's. Charlie also had a great relationship with Miss Kinnian. In fact Charlie loved her. He spent so much time with her, at school, or just having lunch with her. But when Charlie had to leave, he was so sad because their bond was so strong.”)

Organization

The introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Flowers For Algernon is a great story, and every eighth grader should read it. How would you feel if you were not as smart as everyone else around you, and everyone mad fun of you? But then you had the chance to change the way you were. I think people should read Flowers For Algernon because there are peopel in this world just like Charlie who have the same problems as Charlie. People also have the same dreams of being as intelligent as everyone else. This story will show you how people like Charlie feel when they are mistreated differently then others because of their character.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “last,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“First, the story can change how you see other people that are not like you.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Clearly, you can see why Flowers for Algernon is a great story.It has great friendship bonds, a change in life, and a change in feelings for one another. If you do not think you would be interested reading this story, give it a try anyway. I hope that every eighth grader takes the chance to read Flowers for Algernon.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Second it contained changes in life. Charlie was not a good reader or writer. He also did not understand as well. Charlie had a operation to make him intelligent. After the operation, Charlie was more intelligent then ever. He could read, write, and understand just as much as every one else.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“In fact Charlie loved her. He spent so much time with her, at school, or just having lunch with her. But when Charlie had to leave, he was so sad because their bond was so strong.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Last, there was a good friendship bond between Charlie and the rat Algernon. Charlie and Algernon were close because they were going through the same operation, and the same test's. Charlie also had a great relationship with Miss Kinnian.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“It has great friendship bonds, a change in life, and a change in feelings for one another. If you do not think you would be interested reading this story, give it a try anyway. I hope that every eighth grader takes the chance to read Flowers for Algernon. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Mr. White if you like to see adventure movies think you should see the movie Hidalgo. That is one of the best I seen of adventures. When I first saw the move I wanted to see it again and again. Their is alot of adventure, excement and keeps you thinking what's going to happen next in the movie.

You should see this movie because it is all about adventure. They go to different state to do a horse race, they held that race from Iran all the way to another state. They have to cross a whole dessert in a horse the whole way. You will see how Iran is and how it look like. You will see how their desserts look like and how is the weather over there in Iran. As soon as you start watching the movie you are not going to want to stop watching it until the movie finishes.

Another of my reasons why you should see the movie is because their is alot of excement going on in the movie. You start wondering what is going to happen next. Is he going o die, or is he going to win stuff like that. Its exciting to because when something happens to the main character you think he is going to die and loose but then something else happen to him and starts winning again. When I started watching this movie I got really into the movie and really excited.

My last reason for this is that it keeps you thinking what is going to happen next in the movie Hidalgo. I think thinking is good because is like an exercise for your brain. Ill recommend this movie for the students to because by excersicing your brain you could get better at your reading and get better grades when it comes to the Bench Make test. This will help you in the feature to you will need to do alot of reading so you could succeed in life. When you work you will have to understand alot of hard words that's why right now you need to read alot to understand most of the words.

That's why this is a good movie to watch. You may not like movies but this you will. I recommend this move to all ages. It is fun, exciting, and alot of adventure in it. It will help you in life when you grow up to. So you people should see it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on seeing a movie that the writer enjoyed but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Mr. White if you like to see adventure movies think you should see the movie Hidalgo. That is one of the best I seen of adventures. When I first saw the move I wanted to see it again and again. Their is alot of adventure, excement and keeps you thinking what's going to happen next in the movie.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“You should see this movie because it is all about adventure. They go to different state to do a horse race, they held that race from Iran all the way to another state. They have to cross a whole dessert in a horse the whole way. You will see how Iran is and how it look like. You will see how their desserts look like and how is the weather over there in Iran. As soon as you start watching the movie you are not going to want to stop watching it until the movie finishes. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“Another of my reasons why you should see the movie is because their is alot of excement going on in the movie. You start wondering what is going to happen next.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position on seeing a movie that he/she enjoyed. The writer makes an attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“You may not like movies but this you will. ”)

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“You will see how Iran is and how it look like. You will see how their desserts look like and how is the weather over there in Iran. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“Mr. White if you like to see adventure movies think you should see the movie Hidalgo. That is one of the best I seen of adventures. When I first saw the move I wanted to see it again and again. Their is alot of adventure, excement and keeps you thinking what's going to happen next in the movie.”)

There is evidence of some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. (“Another of my reasons why you should see the movie is because their is alot of excement going on in the movie. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way. (“That's why this is a good movie to watch. You may not like movies but this you will. I recommend this move to all ages. It is fun, exciting, and alot of adventure in it. It will help you in life when you grow up to. So you people should see it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“You start wondering what is going to happen next. Is he going o die, or is he going to win stuff like that. Its exciting to because when something happens to the main character you think he is going to die and loose but then something else happen to him and starts winning again. When I started watching this movie I got really into the movie and really excited. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “you.” (“You will see how Iran is and how it look like. You will see how their desserts look like and how is the weather over there in Iran. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Their is alot of adventure, excement and keeps you thinking what's going to happen next in the movie.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I recommanding a good entertainment for this class because we never watch a movie in our class. This movie im talking about is madagascar this movie is kind of funny and this movie about this 4 animals that try to scape from the zoo. The zebra tries to scape from the zoo on his birthday and his friends scape to try and get their friend and the tiger,hippo,and girraf went out to get their friend zebra and they found him by this big building and all the cops came and surrrend them but they still aim to scape from the cops.

The animals are kind of cool then they get lost in this island and the tiger gets rabies and tries to bite the zebra in the behind because he was very and hungry because he did not eat for one week and he tried to eat his own friend then the tiger then he gets good and some penguins come and get them at the island .And at the end the tiger save some squirrels and before they left they thank them for helping them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on persuading classmates to see the movie, read the book, or listen to the music that the writer enjoyed. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“I recommanding a good entertainment for this class because we never watch a movie in our class. This movie im talking about is madagascar this movie is kind of funny and this movie about this 4 animals that try to scape from the zoo.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“The zebra tries to scape from the zoo on his birthday and his friends scape to try and get their friend and the tiger,hippo,and girraf went out to get their friend zebra and they found him by this big building and all the cops came and surrrend them but they still aim to scape from the cops.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“The animals are kind of cool then they get lost in this island and the tiger gets rabies and tries to bite the zebra in the behind because he was very and hungry because he did not eat for one week and he tried to eat his own friend then the tiger then he gets good and some penguins come and get them at the island.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of recommending a movie. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“The animals are kind of cool then they get lost in this island and the tiger gets rabies and tries to bite the zebra in the behind because he was very and hungry because he did not eat for one week and he tried to eat his own friend then the tiger then he gets good and some penguins come and get them at the island .”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“The animals are kind of cool then they get lost in this island and the tiger gets rabies and tries to bite the zebra in the behind because he was very and hungry because he did not eat for one week and he tried to eat his own friend then the tiger then he gets good and some penguins come and get them at the island .And at the end the tiger save some squirrels and before they left they thank them for helping them.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“I recommanding a good entertainment for this class because we never watch a movie in our class. This movie im talking about is madagascar this movie is kind of funny and this movie about this 4 animals that try to scape from the zoo. The zebra tries to scape from the zoo on his birthday and his friends scape to try and get their friend and the tiger,hippo,and girraf went out to get their friend zebra and they found him by this big building and all the cops came and surrrend them but they still aim to scape from the cops.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I recommanding a good entertainment for this class because we never watch a movie in our class. This movie im talking about is madagascar this movie is kind of funny and this movie about this 4 animals that try to scape from the zoo. The zebra tries to scape from the zoo on his birthday and his friends scape to try and get their friend and the tiger,hippo,and girraf went out to get their friend zebra and they found him by this big building and all the cops came and surrrend them but they still aim to scape from the cops.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“I recommanding a good entertainment for this class because we never watch a movie in our class. This movie im talking about is madagascar this movie is kind of funny and this movie about this 4 animals that try to scape from the zoo.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“The animals are kind of cool then they get lost in this island and the tiger gets rabies and tries to bite the zebra in the behind because he was very and hungry because he did not eat for one week and he tried to eat his own friend then the tiger then he gets good and some penguins come and get them at the island .And at the end the tiger save some squirrels and before they left they thank them for helping them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“The animals are kind of cool then they get lost in this island and the tiger gets rabies and tries to bite the zebra in the behind because he was very and hungry because he did not eat for one week and he tried to eat his own friend then the tiger then he gets good and some penguins come and get them at the island . ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of recommending a good movie. (“The animals are kind of cool then they get lost in this island and the tiger gets rabies and tries to bite the zebra in the behind because he was very and hungry because he did not eat for one week and he tried to eat his own friend then the tiger then he gets good and some penguins come and get them at the island .And at the end the tiger save some squirrels and before they left they thank them for helping them.”)

The essay does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“I recommanding a good entertainment for this class because we never watch a movie in our class. This movie im talking about is madagascar this movie is kind of funny and this movie about this 4 animals that try to scape from the zoo. The zebra tries to scape from the zoo on his birthday and his friends scape to try and get their friend and the tiger,hippo,and girraf went out to get their friend zebra and they found him by this big building and all the cops came and surrrend them but they still aim to scape from the cops. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The movie is 2 fast 2 furious this movie is the bomb.This movie is so cool it has alot of action.It is way better than the first.The one is kind of good but it is nothing compare to the second one. I really recommed this movie because it is the best movie I ever seen in my life.I really like this movie because it has my favorite thing in the world.That is cars I really like them because they are so cool especally the cars that are fixed up with hydralics they are cool.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of watching the writers recommended movie. (“I really like this movie because it has my favorite thing in the world.That is cars I really like them because they are so cool especally the cars that are fixed up with hydralics they are cool.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“The movie is 2 fast 2 furious this movie is the bomb.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“The movie is 2 fast 2 furious this movie is the bomb.This movie is so cool it has alot of action.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of recommending good entertainment. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I really recommed this movie because it is the best movie I ever seen in my life. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“The movie is 2 fast 2 furious this movie is the bomb.This movie is so cool it has alot of action.It is way better than the first.The one is kind of good but it is nothing compare to the second one. I really recommed this movie because it is the best movie I ever seen in my life.I really like this movie because it has my favorite thing in the world.That is cars I really like them because they are so cool especally the cars that are fixed up with hydralics they are cool. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“I really like this movie because it has my favorite thing in the world.That is cars I really like them because they are so cool especally the cars that are fixed up with hydralics they are cool. ”)

Organization

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“The movie is 2 fast 2 furious this movie is the bomb.This movie is so cool it has alot of action.It is way better than the first.The one is kind of good but it is nothing compare to the second one. I really recommed this movie because it is the best movie I ever seen in my life.I really like this movie because it has my favorite thing in the world.That is cars I really like them because they are so cool especally the cars that are fixed up with hydralics they are cool.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“I really recommed this movie because it is the best movie I ever seen in my life.I really like this movie because it has my favorite thing in the world.That is cars I really like them because they are so cool especally the cars that are fixed up with hydralics they are cool.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“The movie is 2 fast 2 furious this movie is the bomb.This movie is so cool it has alot of action.It is way better than the first.The one is kind of good but it is nothing compare to the second one. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“That is cars I really like them because they are so cool especally the cars that are fixed up with hydralics they are cool. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“The movie is 2 fast 2 furious this movie is the bomb.This movie is so cool it has alot of action.It is way better than the first.The one is kind of good but it is nothing compare to the second one. I really recommed this movie because it is the best movie I ever seen in my life.I really like this movie because it has my favorite thing in the world.That is cars I really like them because they are so cool especally the cars that are fixed up with hydralics they are cool.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Recycling

Americans generate 4.5 pounds of waste per person every day. Certain plastics, paper products, glass, and aluminum can be recycled instead of being dumped in a landfill.

Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper persuading readers to participate in their community's recycling program. Include facts to support your position on recycling.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor,

Do you ever find it hard to breathe when you walk outside? Well, that is what we call air pollution and it is happening all over our community. Pollution can be caused by lots of different things, but one of the most important ones is landfills. Landfills pollute our air heavily, and if we didn't have as many landfills, our air wouldn't be as polluted. You may be wondering how we can reduce the amount of landfills we have, and that's easy, recycle! There are a lot of other reasons why we should recycle. For instance, it can save energy, conserve our natural resources, and save clean water and air. I believe that recycling is very good for our community, and everyone should be involved in it because it keeps our community clean so that we don't have waste everywhere.

Some of you may be thinking, "Well, who cares if our community is or isn't clean? I mean if it doesn't directly affect me, why should I care?" If you are thinking this, then you don't understand the consequences of not keeping our community clean and why we all should be recycling. If everyone in the community just took that extra step to throw that one plastic bottle in the recycle bin it would save many conflicts. For example, it would save us from overcrowded landfills which lead to increased pollution. Americans use at least 2.5 million plastic bottles in one hour, and most of them are simply thrown away afterward. This means a lot of bottles are going to waste and that is exactly what we don't want! When it comes to recycling, most people don't even know what things can be recycled which explains a little bit of why we don't recycle as much as we should. For example, some people think only paper and plastic bottles can be recycled but that isn't even half of what can be recycled. The following things can be recycled: aluminum, glass, steel, plastic bottles, paper and a lot more. Hopefully, if you didn't care about recycling before, you are trying to take part in it right now.

When you recycle paper you can save many trees so that we won't run out of trees. You may think that we have millions of trees but we really don't. When we make only one ton of new paper, 24 trees have to be cut down. I hate to even think of the amount of trees being cut down and I really do hope our community will take leadership and help recycle paper. When trees are cut down, no one ever thinks about the lives they are hurting, I mean so many animals' homes are in these trees and once they are gone so are the animals. When the Sunday newspapers have to be produced, 500,000 trees must be cut down. Paper is being used everywhere and we should be reusing the paper in newspapers, schoolwork, projects, etc. An average American uses 7 trees a year in paper, wood, and other products, and this all comes to a total of 2,000,000,000 trees used per year! Now if you ask me, a lot of trees are disappearing and some would still be here if everyone in each community was responsible enough to recycle. If you were like me, while reading this you would try to find all the recycled goods you have and take them to the recycling bin.

When our community recycles, materials get reused again and again but when those products don't get recycled, they go to a landfill which holds all of our waste and pollutes our air. Landfills may be designed to hold waste but we aren't supposed to have tons of them all over our community making our air polluted. Recycling helps with landfills because recycling reuses everything and creates less waste that need to be buried in community landfills. The waste in landfills give off methane gas which pollute the air. Air pollution is harmful and can lead to trouble breathing. Therefore, if we recycled a little more in our community it would help people's health, cleanliness of our community, and breathable air. As you can see recycling is important in our community and we all should be participating.

Everyone in Big City should be involved in recycling because we want the place where we live to be clean and we want to breathe clean air! Now, right now, I want you to go and find all the paper and bottles in your trash can and take it to the recycle bin! If you followed my instructions, you should be feeling very good right now because you just saved a ton of trees and you helped our community! If you are one of the people who is disagreeing with everything I say then you should be feeling very poor right now because you are not helping yourself or the community. I would like to thank those of you who did listen and who did go and recycle because you just showed a lot of leadership! I really hope to see an improvement in both our community and our world and I hope all of you learned that recycling does make a difference and should not be forgotten.

Sincerely,

Susie Smith

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position or thesis statement to effectively persuade the readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“ Do you ever find it hard to breathe when you walk outside?”) After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he or she follows with the opinionative statement, (“ You may be wondering how we can reduce the amount of landfills we have, and that's easy, recycle!”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the reasons for recycling. (“Americans use at least 2.5 million plastic bottles in one hour, and most of them are simply thrown away afterward…When you recycle paper you can save many trees so that we won't run out of trees…The waste in landfills give off methane gas which pollute the air. Air pollution is harmful and can lead to trouble breathing. Therefore, if we recycled a little more in our community it would help people's health, cleanliness of our community, and breathable air.”)

The writer’s thesis creatively states what he/she believes about the issue. (“You may be wondering how we can reduce the amount of landfills we have, and that's easy, recycle! There are a lot of other reasons why we should recycle. For instance, it can save energy, conserve our natural resources, and save clean water and air. I believe that recycling is very good for our community, and everyone should be involved in it because it keeps our community clean so that we don't have waste everywhere.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position.

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes. (“ When the Sunday newspapers have to be produced, 500,000 trees must be cut down. Paper is being used everywhere and we should be reusing the paper in newspapers, schoolwork, projects, etc. An average American uses 7 trees a year in paper, wood, and other products and this all comes to a total of 2,000,000,000 trees used per year!”)

Details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including or challenging readers. (“ The waste in landfills give off methane gas which pollute the air. Air pollution is harmful and can lead to trouble breathing. Therefore, if we recycled a little more in our community it would help people's health, cleanliness of our community, and breathable air.”)

The writer predicts what readers might think or say if they disagree with his/her position. The writer includes what the readers might say in question form. (“Some of you may be thinking, ‘Well, who cares if our community is or isn't clean? I mean if it doesn't directly affect me, why should I care?’ If you are thinking this, then you don't understand the consequences of not keeping our community clean and why we all should be recycling. If everyone in the community just took that extra step to throw that one plastic bottle in the recycle bin it would save many conflicts.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ You may be wondering how we can reduce the amount of landfills we have, and that's easy, recycle! There are a lot of other reasons why we should recycle. For instance, it can save energy, conserve our natural resources, and save clean water and air.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ Everyone in Big City should be involved in recycling because we want the place where we live to be clean and we want to breathe clean air! Now, right now, I want you to go and find all the paper and bottles in your trash can and take it to the recycle bin...I would like to thank those of you who did listen and who did go and recycle because you just showed a lot of leadership!”)

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“For example, some people think only paper and plastic bottles can be recycled but that isn't even half of what can be recycled. The following things can be recycled: aluminum, glass, steel, plastic bottles, paper and a lot more.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer effectively uses language to make her writing more persuasive. (“ Some of you may be thinking, ‘Well, who cares if our community is or isn't clean? I mean if it doesn't directly affect me, why should I care?’ If you are thinking this, then you don't understand the consequences of not keeping our community clean and why we all should be recycling.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in the essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“An average American uses 7 trees a year in paper, wood, and other products, and this all comes to a total of 2,000,000,000 trees used per year! Now if you ask me, a lot of trees are disappearing and some would still be here if everyone in each community was responsible enough to recycle. If you were like me, while reading this you would try to find all the recycled goods you have and take them to the recycling bin.”)

The language and tone used in the essay are consistent. (“The waste in landfills give off methane gas which pollute the air. Air pollution is harmful and can lead to trouble breathing. Therefore, if we recycled a little more in our community it would help people's health, cleanliness of our community, and breathable air. As you can see recycling is important in our community and we all should be participating.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ For example, some people think only paper and plastic bottles can be recycled, but that isn't even half of what can be recycled. The following things can be recycled: aluminum, glass, steel, plastic bottles, paper and a lot more.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor,

How would you feel if the world you lived in was a total dump? I feel that you and everyone else in our world should start recycling to make the planet a better place to live in. Also, considering that just America alone generates 4.5 pound of waste every single day of the year, we should start recycling now. We clean up after ourselves at home, why not our world we live in? It is basically our home as well. So these are some reasons why we should start recycling.

I think educating people about recycling is a good way to teach them what all these items do to our world. When you learn how to help the environment it helps keep a clean city. Educating people can make not only our city clean but everyone's city. Also, teaching children at a younger age like 10 or 11 can help us keep our streets clean. It is known that when you educate someone of something important at a young age they remember for the rest of their lives. Schools can teach them about saving energy and recycling items such as plastics, paper products, glass and metals. Parents can set an example at home like saving water or getting a filter.

Keeping the environment safe and clean is better for, not only us, but for plants and animals as well. There are many household products that are very dangerous and harmful for us and animals. Some contain lead and mercury which is why you should dispose of them properly. Plastic is also harmful to our world. So many items use plastic form soda bottles to plastic bags at the nearby market. The names are endless and since plastic is made of mostly petroleum, which is a non-renewable resource, that makes it even more crucial.

It does not take much time or money to start recycling once you know how. Once you learn how to recycling everyday things you will save money. It can also save you time. Think about if you had a water bottle. When you are done with the water and want more you would refill it, correct? Therefore you are not going to go buy another bottle. You are saving time and money. It is almost the same with manufacturers. They waste their time going and buying items. When they can just recycling the items and save time and money.

Society might disagree with me and say that they are too busy to recycle. They might say that they do not have the time to put plastics or newspapers into a separate bin from trash. It only takes a few extra seconds to decide which bin, trash or recyclables, to place used products. People should learn to have recycle fever.

In conclusion, I think everyone should start recycling because it helps everyone and everything. If everyone would start recycling we would be much cleaner and safer. Not to mention we would be not wasteful. Being wasteful is a very bad thing to learn how to not be would be outstanding. Also, if we are cleaner we can save millions of little animals in the oceans and in our forest. Since, every little thing on earth does its part to keep the world in balance keeping them safe is critical. This is why I think everyone should go out and start recycling if you want a better planet.

Sincerely,

John Smith

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position or thesis statement to persuade the readers. The writer d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question appealing to the readers’ emotions. (“ How would you feel if the world you lived in was a total dump?”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ Also, considering that just America alone generates 4.5 pound of waste every single day of the year, we should start recycling now. We clean up after ourselves at home, why not our world we live in? It is basically our home as well. So, these are some reasons why we should start recycling.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience and does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ Also, teaching children at a younger age like 10 or 11 can help us keep our streets clean.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position.

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention, or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“ We clean up after ourselves at home, why not our world we live in...When you are done with the water and want more you would refill it, correct?”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“Educating people can make not only our city clean but everyone's city. Also, teaching children at a younger age like 10 or 11 can help us keep our streets clean.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Society might disagree with me and say that they are too busy to recycle. They might say that they do not have the time to put plastics or newspapers into a separate bin from trash. It only takes a few extra seconds to decide which bin, trash or recyclables, to place used products. People should learn to have recycle fever.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention with a question. (“ How would you feel if the world you lived in was a total dump? I feel that you and everyone else in our world should start recycling to make the planet a better place to live in.”)

The writer states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“ So these are some reasons why we should start recycling.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up the argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ In conclusion, I think everyone should start recycling because it helps everyone and everything. If everyone would start recycling we would be much cleaner and safer. Not to mention we would be not wasteful.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer uses language to persuade the audience. (“ When you are done with the water and want more you would refill it, correct? Therefore you are not going to go buy another bottle.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in the essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ So many items use plastic form soda bottles to plastic bags at the nearby market. The names are endless and since plastic is made of mostly petroleum, which is a non-renewable resource, that makes it even more crucial.”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“Keeping the environment safe and clean is better for, not only us, but for plants and animals as well. There are many household products that are very dangerous and harmful for us and animals. Some contain lead and mercury which is why you should dispose of them properly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. Most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and begin with a capital letter. (“If everyone would start recycling we would be much cleaner and safer. Not to mention we would be not wasteful…This is why I think everyone should go out and start recycling if you want a better planet.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor,

Should more people in this town recycle? Yes, they definitely should. There are many reasons why. One reason is paper comes from tree. You got to get rid of what's not recycled and not recycling is bad for the wildlife. It is a BIG problem believe it or not. Allow me to elaborate.

I know people care about trees. That's why we need to recycle paper, it comes from trees! For instance, say it was a hot day and your stuck outside. You could find a nearby tree and lie in it's shade. If the tree was paper instead of a tree you would have no shade. Another thing is, trees give us oxygen. We need oxygen to live. If we use all the trees for paper we would have hardly any oxygen and die! Thirdly, trees are just plain fun. Kids love to climb them and swing on the swings parents attach to the trees, giving them a great exercise. If there are no trees the kids will be less tempted to go outside and play. That is why, for tree purposes, we need to recycle.

I know the people of this town like for the town to stay nice. It can't be nice while items that aren't recycled are being disposed of. For example, say we need a garbage dump but there was no space in town. So we have to plow over the park. I don't think any one wants that. Another reason is, the garbage dumps that do exist will over flow. Since there is so much garbage it will smell really bad. I don't think any one wants to live where it stinks. Finally, some of the non-recycled items are burned. It gets the air filled with smoke and makes it a little harder to breathe. It also destroys the ozone layer! That's why, for trash purposes, we need to recycle.

I acknowledge the fact that most everyone here loves animals. Well, most of the animals won't be around for much longer if we don't start recycling. First of all, some of the items that aren't put in a dump might just end up in a body of water. It could catch on birds and fish. Once that happens, the animal could die! Issue number two, when trash ends up all over the place animals will think it's food. They could end up choking or getting sick from eating it. Once again they would probably die. Lastly, the smoke from burning trash could kill birds. They could breath in the air and choke or they could pass out, fall, and break a wing or even hit someone! That would be a big mess! That's why, for the animals sake, we need to recycle.

You can see why we should recycle. As members of this community, only you can make this decision. I trust you will make the right decision and chose to recycle. Thank you for your consideration.

From,

Ruth

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position or thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ For example, say we need a garbage dump but there was no space in town. So we have to plow over the park. I don't think any one wants that…Thirdly, trees are just plain fun. Kids love to climb them and swing on the swings parents attach to the trees, giving them a great exercise.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ Kids love to climb them and swing on the swings parents attach to the trees, giving them a great exercise. If there are no trees the kids will be less tempted to go outside and play. That is why, for tree purposes, we need to recycle.”)

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Should more people in this town recycle? Yes, they definitely should. There are many reasons why. One reason is paper comes from tree. You got to get rid of what's not recycled and not recycling is bad for the wildlife. It is a BIG problem believe it or not. Allow me to elaborate.”)

Content & Development

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate, and most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“ For instance, say it was a hot day and your stuck outside. You could find a nearby tree and lie in it's shade. If the tree was paper instead of a tree you would have no shade. Another thing is, trees give us oxygen. We need oxygen to live. If we use all the trees for paper we would have hardly any oxygen and die!”)

The writing includes three to five supporting details in a paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. In the first body paragraph, the writer explains that trees provide shade, oxygen, and fun. In the second body paragraph, landfills take land that could be used for other purposes. Landfills will begin to overflow, and smoke generated at the landfill pollutes the air. In the final body paragraph, water animals suffer from trash in the water, land animals choke on litter, and birds can choke on smoke from burning trash. (“I know people care about trees. That's why we need to recycle paper, it comes from trees! For instance, say it was a hot day and your stuck outside. You could find a nearby tree and lie in it's shade. If the tree was paper instead of a tree you would have no shade. Another thing is, trees give us oxygen. We need oxygen to live. If we use all the trees for paper we would have hardly any oxygen and die! Thirdly, trees are just plain fun. Kids love to climb them and swing on the swings parents attach to the trees, giving them a great exercise. If there are no trees the kids will be less tempted to go outside and play. That is why, for tree purposes, we need to recycle.”)

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Finally, some of the non-recycled items are burned. It gets the air filled with smoke and makes it a little harder to breathe. It also destroys the ozone layer! That's why, for trash purposes, we need to recycle.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“ Should more people in this town recycle? Yes, they definitely should.”)

The writer states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“ It is a BIG problem believe it or not. Allow me to elaborate.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. (“ You can see why we should recycle. As members of this community, only you can make this decision.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Thirdly, trees are just plain fun. Kids love to climb them and swing on the swings parents attach to the trees, giving them a great exercise.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, “nice” and “really bad.” (“I know the people of this town like for the town to stay nice. It can't be nice while items that aren't recycled are being disposed of.”)

The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“I acknowledge the fact that most everyone here loves animals. Well, most of the animals won't be around for much longer if we don't start recycling.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and begin with a capital letter. (“ They could breath in the air and choke or they could pass out, fall, and break a wing or even hit someone! That would be a big mess! That's why, for the animals sake, we need to recycle.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear the editor of local newspaper,

I think that people should recycle more. Recycling is good for the environment and reduces pollution. Others may say it's a waste of time, but I have three solutions. You can persuade the families to recycle more, have people organize and empty their trash every morning, or you can give every individual family an area where they can dispose of their recyclables.

The first solution is to is to have people empty their trash every morning. Everyone in the family could help. There are many ways you can do that. Perhaps you go to work in the mornings take out the trash, even though your trash bin is not full yet.

The second solution is for every individual family to have an area where they can dispose of their recyclables and trash. Maybe the family can grow a garden, you can use some of the trash as decomposers. For the people who already have a garden, you should decompose more instead of wasting you money.

The third solution is to persuade the families to recycle more often. You could persuade them by using the stuff they understand or like, for example music, TV shows/commercials, any source of entertainment, et cetera. In fact, if you put it that way people would actually listen there would be an opportunity.

Therefore. I believe that people should recycle. Please use these solutions to stop the pollution. If you post this in your newspaper then people would listen and recycle more.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion, position, or thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The essay demonstrates limited understanding of purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“You can persuade the families to recycle more, have people organize and empty their trash every morning, or you can give every individual family an area where they can dispose of their recyclables.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“ The third solution is to persuade the families to recycle more often. You could persuade them by using the stuff they understand or like, for example music, TV shows/commercials, any source of entertainment, et cetera. In fact, if you put it that way people would actually listen there would be an opportunity.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“I think that people should recycle more. Recycling is good for the environment and reduces pollution. Others may say it's a waste of time, but I have three solutions.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. It attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ Others may say it's a waste of time, but I have three solutions.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. For example, the second body paragraph begins to provide readers with suggestions for using a garden to handle recyclables, but the thought is not finished. (“ The second solution is for every individual family to have an area where they can dispose of their recyclables and trash. Maybe the family can grow a garden, you can use some of the trash as decomposers. For the people who already have a garden, you should decompose more instead of wasting you money.”)

The essay needs three to five supporting details in each body paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. None of the body paragraphs contains more than one sentence to support the topic.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The first body paragraph states how you can help the planet but suggests only one solution. (“There are many ways you can do that [empty the trash]…Perhaps you go to work in the mornings take out the trash, even though your trash bin is not full yet.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and it lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The thesis may not be stated at the end of the introduction. In this essay, the thesis is the first sentence, and it is not effective in grabbing the readers’ attention. (“ I think that people should recycle more.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. There is no restatement or support of the thesis. (“Therefore. I believe that people should recycle. Please use these solutions to stop the pollution. If you post this in your newspaper then people would listen and recycle more.”) The conclusion does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next.

Details in each paragraph are limited in how they relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“The second solution is for every individual family to have an area where they can dispose of their recyclables and trash. Maybe the family can grow a garden, you can use some of the trash as decomposers. For the people who already have a garden, you should decompose more instead of wasting you money.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. The writer’s audience is the editor of the newspaper, not the readers of the letter to the editor. As a result, the writer attempts to persuade the editor to persuade the readers. (“ The third solution is to persuade the families to recycle more often. You could persuade them by using the stuff they understand or like, for example music, TV shows/commercials, any source of entertainment, et cetera. In fact, if you put it that way people would actually listen there would be an opportunity.”) Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“The first solution is to is to have people empty their trash every morning. Everyone in the family could help. There are many ways you can do that. Perhaps you go to work in the mornings take out the trash, even though your trash bin is not full yet.”)

The writer should use the thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“The third solution is to persuade the families to recycle more often. You could persuade them by using the stuff they understand or like, for example music, TV shows/commercials, any source of entertainment, et cetera.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“In fact, if you put it that way people would actually listen there would be an opportunity…Perhaps you go to work in the mornings take out the trash, even though your trash bin is not full yet.”) The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think people should recycle. I think people should recycle because if more and more people recycle then that will help the environment.

Recycling will help the environment by preventing pollution for years to come. You can also help the environment by starting a recycling club in your school. In the club you will go to a local beach near your nieborhood clean up the beach. You can start to recycle any certain plastics, paper products, glass, and aluminum that your not using and put it in the recycling bin instead of throwing it away in the trash so it can be reused and made into something new.

If more and more people recycle instead of throwing things away in the trash then your parents can save more money. Think about how much money your parents spend buying more and more plastics, paper products, glass, and aluminum when the recyclables are cheaper.

If you don't recycle then there can be severe consequences like polluting our air and getting sick or dying from polluted water. If more and more people recycle then that might prevent global warming.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an o pinion/position or thesis statement. The essay demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The essay is not written as a letter to the editor and attempts to directly persuade the readers.

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way, and the purpose of the essay, and its intended audience, are not clearly identified. (“I think people should recycle. I think people should recycle because if more and more people recycle then that will help the environment.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“If you don't recycle then there can be severe consequences like polluting our air and getting sick or dying from polluted water. If more and more people recycle then that might prevent global warming.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“In the club you will go to a local beach near your nieborhood clean up the beach. You can start to recycle any certain plastics, paper products, glass, and aluminum that your not using and put it in the recycling bin instead of throwing it away in the trash so it can be reused and made into something new.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. It may consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. For example, in the second body paragraph, the focus becomes saving money instead of helping the environment. (“If more and more people recycle instead of throwing things away in the trash then your parents can save more money. Think about how much money your parents spend buying more and more plastics, paper products, glass, and aluminum when the recyclables are cheaper.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. No main ideas are introduced in the first paragraph, leaving the readers to determine the important topic, recycling. (“I think people should recycle. I think people should recycle because if more and more people recycle then that will help the environment.”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“If more and more people recycle instead of throwing things away in the trash then your parents can save more money. Think about how much money your parents spend buying more and more plastics, paper products, glass, and aluminum when the recyclables are cheaper.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. There is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. It does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by not posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“I think people should recycle. I think people should recycle because if more and more people recycle then that will help the environment.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion does not restate the argument of the essay, leave readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. Instead, the writer introduces new topics for the readers to consider. (“If you don't recycle then there can be severe consequences like polluting our air and getting sick or dying from polluted water. If more and more people recycle then that might prevent global warming.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“If more and more people recycle instead of throwing things away in the trash then your parents can save more money. Think about how much money your parents spend buying more and more plastics, paper products, glass, and aluminum when the recyclables are cheaper.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively; instead, he or she uses “you can” and “if” statements throughout. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. (“You can also help the environment by starting a recycling club in your school.”)

The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively. (“In the club you will go to a local beach near your nieborhood clean up the beach.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“If you don't recycle then there can be severe consequences like polluting our air and getting sick or dying from polluted water.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“ In the club you will go to a local beach near your nieborhood clean up the beach…If more and more people recycle instead of throwing things away in the trash then your parents can save more money.”) The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor of the news paper,

I think everyone should recycle because it help the wold go round and round. It also helps the enviorment. If you love animals you would help keep the enviorment for the aminals. Lets get started.

Global warming is bad for the enviorment.Co2 is released into the air and that causes. It kills trees,leaves, and grass. It also leaves us with no air.

You save money when you recycle. when you go to stores you find a machine that takes plastic bottles. then when you put them in you get money out. Also it good for the inviorment. so save some green.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay contains inadequate or no focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion, position, or thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task.

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ Also it good for the inviorment. so save some green.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified, nor is there a clearly defined position about the issue. (“I think everyone should recycle because it help the wold go round and round. It also helps the enviorment. If you love animals you would help keep the enviorment for the aminals. Lets get started.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by using appropriate language. (“It also helps the enviorment. If you love animals you would help keep the enviorment for the aminals. Lets get started.”)

Content & Development

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. The body paragraphs discuss global warming and saving money, neither of which directly supports the stated opinions. (“I think everyone should recycle because it help the wold go round and round. It also helps the enviorment.”)

There are no main ideas from the introductory paragraph in the body paragraphs. The first body paragraph discusses global warming, and the second body paragraph discusses saving money. There is no paragraph supporting the introductory statement. (“If you love animals you would help keep the enviorment for the aminals.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“I think everyone should recycle because it help the wold go round and round. It also helps the enviorment. If you love animals you would help keep the enviorment for the aminals. Lets get started. Global warming is bad for the enviorment.Co2 is released into the air and that causes. It kills trees,leaves, and grass. It also leaves us with no air. You save money when you recycle. when you go to stores you find a machine that takes plastic bottles. then when you put them in you get money out. Also it good for the inviorment. so save some green.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion. There is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction, along with no thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. (“I think everyone should recycle because it help the wold go round and round. It also helps the enviorment. If you love animals you would help keep the enviorment for the aminals. Lets get started.”)

There is no conclusion, no restatement of the argument of the essay, and there is no attempt to leave the readers with something to think about or a call for action. (“You save money when you recycle. when you go to stores you find a machine that takes plastic bottles. then when you put them in you get money out. Also it good for the inviorment. so save some green.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. (“Global warming is bad for the enviorment.Co2 is released into the air and that causes. It kills trees,leaves, and grass. It also leaves us with no air.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“If you love animals you would help keep the enviorment for the aminals.”)

Sentences are too short. (“It kills trees,leaves, and grass. It also leaves us with no air.”)

The writer should also use the thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“Global warming is bad for the enviorment.Co2 is released into the air and that causes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It contains errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“ Global warming is bad for the enviorment.Co2 is released into the air and that causes. It kills trees,leaves, and grass. It also leaves us with no air.”) The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb and begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Rewrite the “Yes, Virginia, . . . Santa Claus” Letter

In 1897, an 8-year-old girl wrote a letter to the New York Sun newspaper asking if there is a Santa Claus. The editor's reply has become famous as the "Yes, Virginia , there is a Santa Claus" letter. If you were currently the editor of the New York Sun , how would you answer that letter? How would an answer in the twenty-first century differ from an answer in the nineteenth century?

In a letter written as the editor of the New York Sun , answer the question, "Is there a Santa Claus?" Include reasons to support and convince readers of your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Virginia,

"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night." Santa Claus is the point of many conversations, which are mostly started by young children. Virginia, an eight year old girl, was curious about whether or not St. Nicholas existed. She wrote a letter to the " New York Sun" stating her situation. Yes Virginia ...There is a Santa Claus. Although many people deny that Santa Claus exists, the writer is sure that he is always present.

Whenever most people think about old St. Nick, they picture one person in particular. This person has very noticeable attributes. These are the crimson red suit that covers his obese body, his snowy white beard, and his jolly attitude toward life. During Christmas, this man is portrayed at the mall according to these characteristics. Kids sit on Santa's lap and inform him about what they would like to receive on Christmas morning. All in all, the person we call Santa Claus is very popular and is easily recognized.

Symbols are everywhere we look. They are on the highway, in restaurants, and even on school grounds. Virginia , have you ever thought about what Santa symbolizes? The writer believes that he exemplifies love, faithfulness, and generosity. All of these qualities are present throughout his actions. To show generosity, Mr. Claus gives out presents that have been created by his elves. A person can only receive one of these gifts if they have behaved the previous year. The writer knows that he does this because he loves everyone. Also, St. Nicholas demonstrates faithfulness. He does this by always leaving a present or two for every well behaved child. Santa will not forget you, Virginia. As long as you listen to your elders and you are kind, he will always leave you many amazing gifts underneath your magnificently decorated Christmas tree. As one can see, Santa Claus symbolizes many things, like love, faithfulness, and generosity, which are present all throughout the creation of God.

"Katie? Yes, she's been fairly nice. Kirsten? Oh! She has not behaved this year." Santa may ask himself this question every year as he is completing his naughty and nice list. Every child hopes to be placed on his nice list so that they wake up on Christmas morning to a pile of extravagant gifts Of course, children have hopes about things concerning Christmas other than the naughty and nice list. Many young children hope to hear the hooves of reindeer land on their roof. Have you ever thought you heard Santa's pets on your roof, Virginia ? Even people who do not think Mr. Claus exists sometimes have secret hopes; these may be that if they creep into the living room, they will see a man dressed in red leaning over a magical velvet bag. They hope to see him pull out one of the wonderful gifts on their wish list. Overall, the hopes of children, whether secret or not, vary as much as every star in the night sky. Most children hope that Santa Claus exists, and this writer believes he does.

Throughout the world, there are people that do not believe in jolly old St. Nick. The writer partly understands why. The unbelievers that are older may consider Santa Claus childish. People may also not believe because they do not think that reindeer can fly. This is because these mammals are too heavy to glide on air without wings. Therefore, they also do not believe in the magic that Santa sprinkles over these amazing creatures. Of the people surveyed, fifty-two percent do not think Santa exists. Of this percentile, forty-four percent said that they did not think Mr. Claus was real because he is childish. Thirty-five percent do not think that he is present because of the inability of reindeer to fly. The remainder of this percentage consisted of various opinions. Furthermore, there are people surrounding you that do not believe in Santa Claus's existence. The writer hopes you are not one of these people, Virginia.

Sally knows that your friends who do not believe are wrong. There is a Santa Claus and he lives on forever and ever. The man named St. Nicholas is represented by his scarlet red suit, his snowy white flowing beard, his obesity, and his joyful attitude. He is a symbol of love, faithfulness, and generosity because of his many actions. So, Virginia , do not ever stop believing in the wonderful man that we call Santa Claus because he lives on, just as love does.

Sincerely,

Sally

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. Th e response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. It also satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Dear Virginia, ‘I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.’ Santa Claus is the point of many conversations, which are mostly started by young children. Virginia, an eight year old girl, was curious about whether or not St. Nicholas existed. She wrote a letter to the ‘ New York Sun’ stating her situation. Yes Virginia ...There is a Santa Claus. Although many people deny that Santa Claus exists, the writer is sure that he is always present.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Whenever most people think about old St. Nick, they picture one person in particular. This person has very noticeable attributes. These are the crimson red suit that covers his obese body, his snowy white beard, and his jolly attitude toward life. During Christmas, this man is portrayed at the mall according to these characteristics. Kids sit on Santa's lap and inform him about what they would like to receive on Christmas morning. All in all, the person we call Santa Claus is very popular and is easily recognized.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Sally knows that your friends who do not believe are wrong. There is a Santa Claus and he lives on forever and ever. The man named St. Nicholas is represented by his scarlet red suit, his snowy white flowing beard, his obesity, and his joyful attitude. He is a symbol of love, faithfulness, and generosity because of his many actions. So, Virginia , do not ever stop believing in the wonderful man that we call Santa Claus because he lives on, just as love does.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that Santa Claus does exist. (“‘Katie? Yes, she's been fairly nice. Kirsten? Oh! She has not behaved this year.’ Santa may ask himself this question every year as he is completing his naughty and nice list. Every child hopes to be placed on his nice list so that they wake up on Christmas morning to a pile of extravagant gifts Of course, children have hopes about things concerning Christmas other than the naughty and nice list. Many young children hope to hear the hooves of reindeer land on their roof. Have you ever thought you heard Santa's pets on your roof, Virginia ? Even people who do not think Mr. Claus exists sometimes have secret hopes; these may be that if they creep into the living room, they will see a man dressed in red leaning over a magical velvet bag. They hope to see him pull out one of the wonderful gifts on their wish list. Overall, the hopes of children, whether secret or not, vary as much as every star in the night sky. Most children hope that Santa Claus exists, and this writer believes he does.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of the existence of Santa Claus. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Throughout the world, there are people that do not believe in jolly old St. Nick. The writer partly understands why. The unbelievers that are older may consider Santa Claus childish. People may also not believe because they do not think that reindeer can fly. This is because these mammals are too heavy to glide on air without wings. Therefore, they also do not believe in the magic that Santa sprinkles over these amazing creatures.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Of the people surveyed, fifty-two percent do not think Santa exists. Of this percentile, forty-four percent said that they did not think Mr. Claus was real because he is childish. Thirty-five percent do not think that he is present because of the inability of reindeer to fly. The remainder of this percentage consisted of various opinions. Furthermore, there are people surrounding you that do not believe in Santa Claus's existence. The writer hopes you are not one of these people, Virginia.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive. (“Symbols are everywhere we look. They are on the highway, in restaurants, and even on school grounds. Virginia , have you ever thought about what Santa symbolizes? The writer believes that he exemplifies love, faithfulness, and generosity. All of these qualities are present throughout his actions. To show generosity, Mr. Claus gives out presents that have been created by his elves. A person can only receive one of these gifts if they have behaved the previous year. The writer knows that he does this because he loves everyone. Also, St. Nicholas demonstrates faithfulness. He does this by always leaving a present or two for every well behaved child. Santa will not forget you, Virginia. As long as you listen to your elders and you are kind, he will always leave you many amazing gifts underneath your magnificently decorated Christmas tree. As one can see, Santa Claus symbolizes many things, like love, faithfulness, and generosity, which are present all throughout the creation of God.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“Dear Virginia, ‘I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.’ Santa Claus is the point of many conversations, which are mostly started by young children. Virginia, an eight year old girl, was curious about whether or not St. Nicholas existed. She wrote a letter to the ‘ New York Sun’ stating her situation. Yes Virginia ...There is a Santa Claus. Although many people deny that Santa Claus exists, the writer is sure that he is always present.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Throughout the world, there are people that do not believe in jolly old St. Nick. The writer partly understands why. The unbelievers that are older may consider Santa Claus childish. People may also not believe because they do not think that reindeer can fly. This is because these mammals are too heavy to glide on air without wings. Therefore, they also do not believe in the magic that Santa sprinkles over these amazing creatures.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Sally knows that your friends who do not believe are wrong. There is a Santa Claus and he lives on forever and ever. The man named St. Nicholas is represented by his scarlet red suit, his snowy white flowing beard, his obesity, and his joyful attitude. He is a symbol of love, faithfulness, and generosity because of his many actions. So, Virginia , do not ever stop believing in the wonderful man that we call Santa Claus because he lives on, just as love does. Sincerely, Sally Reynolds”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Also, St. Nicholas demonstrates faithfulness. He does this by always leaving a present or two for every well behaved child. Santa will not forget you, Virginia. As long as you listen to your elders and you are kind, he will always leave you many amazing gifts underneath your magnificently decorated Christmas tree. As one can see, Santa Claus symbolizes many things, like love, faithfulness, and generosity, which are present all throughout the creation of God.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“‘Katie? Yes, she's been fairly nice. Kirsten? Oh! She has not behaved this year.’ Santa may ask himself this question every year as he is completing his naughty and nice list. Every child hopes to be placed on his nice list so that they wake up on Christmas morning to a pile of extravagant gifts Of course, children have hopes about things concerning Christmas other than the naughty and nice list. Many young children hope to hear the hooves of reindeer land on their roof. Have you ever thought you heard Santa's pets on your roof, Virginia ? Even people who do not think Mr. Claus exists sometimes have secret hopes; these may be that if they creep into the living room, they will see a man dressed in red leaning over a magical velvet bag.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Whenever most people think about old St. Nick, they picture one person in particular. This person has very noticeable attributes. These are the crimson red suit that covers his obese body, his snowy white beard, and his jolly attitude toward life. During Christmas, this man is portrayed at the mall according to these characteristics. Kids sit on Santa's lap and inform him about what they would like to receive on Christmas morning. All in all, the person we call Santa Claus is very popular and is easily recognized.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Throughout the world, there are people that do not believe in jolly old St. Nick. The writer partly understands why. The unbelievers that are older may consider Santa Claus childish. People may also not believe because they do not think that reindeer can fly. This is because these mammals are too heavy to glide on air without wings. Therefore, they also do not believe in the magic that Santa sprinkles over these amazing creatures.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Whether you call him Santa Clause, Santie, or Saint Nick, people all over the earth ask, "Is he real? Does this magical gift-giver exist?" In 1897, a young girl wrote to the editor of the New York Sun newspaper asking this very question. The editor replied, "Yes, Virginia , there is a Santa Clause." I do not believe in Santa Clause. I do, however, believe that the magic that surrounds the image and persona of Santa Clause exists within the parents of the young children. There is simply too much evidence that supports he does not exist such as the ability to get around the world in one night, getting into every home, and knowing what each child wants.

Alright, so most people know that reindeers cannot really fly. So I challenge Santa believers: how does he get around the entire world in one night? It is not possible. Even with one of the fastest planes in the world, it takes 40 hours to travel around the earth. It is simply impossible for Santa Clause to travel this distance in 24 hours. Suppose he did have flying reindeer. They could not go fast enough to make this deadline. Even if this could be done, the reindeer would burn up flying so fast. Also, fitting all of the presents in one bag is impossible. This just cannot be done.

Another problem with this whole Santa theory is that getting into all the homes would be undoable. Today, people have security devices. Those things would be tough to get through! He also would not be able to fit down the chimney. Plus, some homes, like mine, do not even have a chimney. Some people live in apartments. It is not likely that Santa Clause would be able to get into those. What about mobile homes? He would not be able to get into those without rocking the entire trailer! There is no way that Santa Clause would ever have the ability to get into all of the homes of the small children.

In my eyes, only one being knows every child's wishes for Christmas, and that is Jesus Christ. Santa Clause cannot know what every child on the earth wants for Christmas. The parents ask their children to write a letter to "Santa" to learn what they want. Then, the loving parents go and buy what their children requested from Santa. Some parents even put the presents out before Christmas Eve. This proves that Santa is not real because Santa supposedly comes on Christmas Eve. He simply could not know what to give the children even if he did exist.

Although I do not believe in Santa Clause, I can see where and why others are mistaken. We as humans cannot see or understand everything in our world. Their believing also has to do with child-like faith. All people as children believe anything their parents tell them. As we grow up, we continue to believe what we were told as kids. What we hear and encounter as children sticks more than our peers' views. However, we do see the light sooner or later. I see why there maybe could be a Santa Clause, but I am not convinced.

While I do not believe in Santa Clause, I do believe that the magic associated with him exists only within the parents of the young children of our world. Magic does not exist. It is just that simple. The children choose to believe in it, however. The hypothetically magical feats describing Santa Clause such as visiting every home in the world, access to those homes, and knowing every child's wishes for Christmas are things that a single man cannot do. Yes, parents create Santa Clause in the minds of children everywhere. To me, this is a mistake.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of the nonexistence of Santa Claus to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Whether you call him Santa Clause, Santie, or Saint Nick, people all over the earth ask, ‘Is he real? Does this magical gift-giver exist?’ In 1897, a young girl wrote to the editor of the New York Sun newspaper asking this very question. The editor replied, ‘Yes, Vir ginia , there is a Santa Clause.’ I do not believe in Santa Clause. I do, however, believe that the magic that surrounds the image and persona of Santa Clause exists within the parents of the young children.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Alright, so most people know that reindeers cannot really fly. So I challenge Santa believers: how does he get around the entire world in one night? It is not possible. Even with one of the fastest planes in the world, it takes 40 hours to travel around the earth. It is simply impossible for Santa Clause to travel this distance in 24 hours.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I do not believe in Santa Clause. I do, however, believe that the magic that surrounds the image and persona of Santa Clause exists within the parents of the young children. There is simply too much evidence that supports he does not exist such as the ability to get around the world in one night, getting into every home, and knowing what each child wants.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Another problem with this whole Santa theory is that getting into all the homes would be undoable. Today, people have security devices. Those things would be tough to get through! He also would not be able to fit down the chimney. Plus, some homes, like mine, do not even have a chimney. Some people live in apartments. It is not likely that Santa Clause would be able to get into those. What about mobile homes? He would not be able to get into those without rocking the entire trailer! There is no way that Santa Clause would ever have the ability to get into all of the homes of the small children.”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Although I do not believe in Santa Clause, I can see where and why others are mistaken. We as humans cannot see or understand everything in our world. Their believing also has to do with child-like faith. All people as children believe anything their parents tell them. As we grow up, we continue to believe what we were told as kids. What we hear and encounter as children sticks more than our peers' views. However, we do see the light sooner or later. I see why there maybe could be a Santa Clause, but I am not convinced.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“So I challenge Santa believers: how does he get around the entire world in one night? It is not possible. Even with one of the fastest planes in the world, it takes 40 hours to travel around the earth. It is simply impossible for Santa Clause to travel this distance in 24 hours. Suppose he did have flying reindeer. They could not go fast enough to make this deadline.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“In my eyes, only one being knows every child's wishes for Christmas, and that is Jesus Christ. Santa Clause cannot know what every child on the earth wants for Christmas. The parents ask their children to write a letter to ‘Santa’ to learn what they want. Then, the loving parents go and buy what their children requested from Santa. Some parents even put the presents out before Christmas Eve. This proves that Santa is not real because Santa supposedly comes on Christmas Eve. He simply could not know what to give the children even if he did exist.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“While I do not believe in Santa Clause, I do believe that the magic associated with him exists only within the parents of the young children of our world. Magic does not exist. It is just that simple. The children choose to believe in it, however. The hypothetically magical feats describing Santa Clause such as visiting every home in the world, access to those homes, and knowing every child's wishes for Christmas are things that a single man cannot do.”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“I do not believe in Santa Clause. I do, however, believe that the magic that surrounds the image and persona of Santa Clause exists within the parents of the young children. There is simply too much evidence that supports he does not exist such as the ability to get around the world in one night, getting into every home, and knowing what each child wants.”)

The writer’s introduction gives brief background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Whether you call him Santa Clause, Santie, or Saint Nick, people all over the earth ask, ‘Is he real? Does this magical gift-giver exist?’ In 1897, a young girl wrote to the editor of the New York Sun newspaper asking this very question. The editor replied, ‘Yes, Vir ginia , there is a Santa Clause.’”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Another problem with this whole Santa theory is that getting into all the homes would be undoable. Today, people have security devices. Those things would be tough to get through! He also would not be able to fit down the chimney. Plus, some homes, like mine, do not even have a chimney. Some people live in apartments. It is not likely that Santa Clause would be able to get into those.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“While I do not believe in Santa Clause, I do believe that the magic associated with him exists only within the parents of the young children of our world. Magic does not exist. It is just that simple. The children choose to believe in it, however. The hypothetically magical feats describing Santa Clause such as visiting every home in the world, access to those homes, and knowing every child's wishes for Christmas are things that a single man cannot do. Yes, parents create Santa Clause in the minds of children everywhere. To me, this is a mistake.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Another problem with this whole Santa theory is that getting into all the homes would be undoable. Today, people have security devices. Those things would be tough to get through! He also would not be able to fit down the chimney. Plus, some homes, like mine, do not even have a chimney. Some people live in apartments. It is not likely that Santa Clause would be able to get into those. What about mobile homes? He would not be able to get into those without rocking the entire trailer! There is no way that Santa Clause would ever have the ability to get into all of the homes of the small children.”)

The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. (“While I do not believe in Santa Clause, I do believe that the magic associated with him exists only within the parents of the young children of our world. Magic does not exist. It is just that simple. The children choose to believe in it, however. The hypothetically magical feats describing Santa Clause such as visiting every home in the world, access to those homes, and knowing every child's wishes for Christmas are things that a single man cannot do. Yes, parents create Santa Clause in the minds of children everywhere.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Although I do not believe in Santa Clause, I can see where and why others are mistaken. We as humans cannot see or understand everything in our world. Their believing also has to do with child-like faith. All people as children believe anything their parents tell them. As we grow up, we continue to believe what we were told as kids. What we hear and encounter as children sticks more than our peers' views. However, we do see the light sooner or later. I see why there maybe could be a Santa Clause, but I am not convinced.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Alright, so most people know that reindeers cannot really fly. So I challenge Santa believers: how does he get around the entire world in one night? It is not possible. Even with one of the fastest planes in the world, it takes 40 hours to travel around the earth. It is simply impossible for Santa Clause to travel this distance in 24 hours. Suppose he did have flying reindeer. They could not go fast enough to make this deadline. Even if this could be done, the reindeer would burn up flying so fast. Also, fitting all of the presents in one bag is impossible. This just cannot be done.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Virginia,

I have no idea who allowed even a smidgen of doubt to enter your little head. Santa Claus is, most definitely, real. The only way parents would be involved in Santa's work, is if he's late for this very important date. Other than that simple detail, Santa Claus is real.

Who else would leave dirty dishes lying around? Mom or Pop would've taken care of them, no doubt about it. But Santa is in a hurry, and has no time to make sure that plate and glass get to where they're supposed to be, so he just leaves them on the table. If I had to make a mad dash for the neighboring houses, I'd leave my plate sitting there too. Plus, who could eat all those cookies in under five minutes? Santa Claus. Mom couldn't. Pop couldn't. You'd have to be crazy not to believe Santa didn't eat those cookies! And who else could do that along with setting out presents?

Let me set a situation up for you; it's late at night, the lights are off, and everyone else is asleep. There are obstacles on the left, the right, behind you, and in front of you. You've got a gigantic bag of multi-sized boxes, and your main goal is to get you and that bag over to the tree-shaped stand of lights in the corner without knocking anything over, or alerting mom and pop. That's a feat only Santa could accomplish. And, unsurprisingly, he does his job flawlessly. You see, Virginia, there's really no one else who can do what Santa does. No one.

He brings us presents, even though he doesn't have to. He sets aside his whole year to prepare for just one silly holiday that we seemed to think is set aside to get stuff. He hurries all night, house to house. We didn't even ask him to. There's no one else who can do that. He does all of these things for us. No questions asked. The only thing he expects is for us to be good.

Now, little Virginia, think about all of this. Mom and Pop wouldn't leave dishes lying around. Mom and Pop don't seem capable of sneaking around the house with a bag of gifts and not knocking things over, either. And, I don't think mom and pop have enough time to go to every home around the world and give all the other families gifts. Don't you see, Virginia? Santa Claus is real. And, please, don’t let your doubt grow. Otherwise, Santa might just slip a bit of coal into your stocking.

Have fun this Christmas,

The Editor

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about the existence of Santa Claus and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Dear Virginia,

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Who else would leave dirty dishes lying around? Mom or Pop would've taken care of them, no doubt about it. But Santa is in a hurry, and has no time to make sure that plate and glass get to where they're supposed to be, so he just leaves them on the table. If I had to make a mad dash for the neighboring houses, I'd leave my plate sitting there too. Plus, who could eat all those cookies in under five minutes? Santa Claus. Mom couldn't. Pop couldn't. You'd have to be crazy not to believe Santa didn't eat those cookies!”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“He brings us presents, even though he doesn't have to. He sets aside his whole year to prepare for just one silly holiday that we seemed to think is set aside to get stuff. He hurries all night, house to house. We didn't even ask him to. There's no one else who can do that.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Now, little Virginia, think about all of this. Mom and Pop wouldn't leave dishes lying around. Mom and Pop don't seem capable of sneaking around the house with a bag of gifts and not knocking things over, either. And, I don't think mom and pop have enough time to go to every home around the world and give all the other families gifts. Don't you see, Virginia? Santa Claus is real.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer does not clearly address the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Additionally, incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Let me set a situation up for you; it's late at night, the lights are off, and everyone else is asleep. There are obstacles on the left, the right, behind you, and in front of you. You've got a gigantic bag of multi-sized boxes, and your main goal is to get you and that bag over to the tree-shaped stand of lights in the corner without knocking anything over, or alerting mom and pop. That's a feat only Santa could accomplish. And, unsurprisingly, he does his job flawlessly.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“He brings us presents, even though he doesn't have to. He sets aside his whole year to prepare for just one silly holiday that we seemed to think is set aside to get stuff. He hurries all night, house to house. We didn't even ask him to. There's no one else who can do that. He does all of these things for us. No questions asked. The only thing he expects is for us to be good.”)

The writer does not clearly address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote content to a paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Now, little Virginia, think about all of this. Mom and Pop wouldn't leave dishes lying around. Mom and Pop don't seem capable of sneaking around the house with a bag of gifts and not knocking things over, either. And, I don't think mom and pop have enough time to go to every home around the world and give all the other families gifts. Don't you see, Virginia? Santa Claus is real.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Dear Virginia, I have no idea who allowed even a smidgen of doubt to enter your little head. Santa Claus is, most definitely, real. The only way parents would be involved in Santa's work, is if he's late for this very important date. Other than that simple detail, Santa Claus is real.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Who else would leave dirty dishes lying around? Mom or Pop would've taken care of them, no doubt about it. But Santa is in a hurry, and has no time to make sure that plate and glass get to where they're supposed to be, so he just leaves them on the table. If I had to make a mad dash for the neighboring houses, I'd leave my plate sitting there too. Plus, who could eat all those cookies in under five minutes? Santa Claus. Mom couldn't. Pop couldn't. You'd have to be crazy not to believe Santa didn't eat those cookies!”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Now, little Virginia, think about all of this. Mom and Pop wouldn't leave dishes lying around. Mom and Pop don't seem capable of sneaking around the house with a bag of gifts and not knocking things over, either. And, I don't think mom and pop have enough time to go to every home around the world and give all the other families gifts. Don't you see, Virginia? Santa Claus is real. And, please, don’t let your doubt grow. Otherwise, Santa might just slip a bit of coal into your stocking. Have fun this Christmas, The Editor”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Who else would leave dirty dishes lying around? Mom or Pop would've taken care of them, no doubt about it. But Santa is in a hurry, and has no time to make sure that plate and glass get to where they're supposed to be, so he just leaves them on the table.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“I have no idea who allowed even a smidgen of doubt to enter your little head. Santa Claus is, most definitely, real. The only way parents would be involved in Santa's work, is if he's late for this very important date. Other than that simple detail, Santa Claus is real.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments. (“Let me set a situation up for you; it's late at night, the lights are off, and everyone else is asleep. There are obstacles on the left, the right, behind you, and in front of you. You've got a gigantic bag of multi-sized boxes, and your main goal is to get you and that bag over to the tree-shaped stand of lights in the corner without knocking anything over, or alerting mom and pop. That's a feat only Santa could accomplish. And, unsurprisingly, he does his job flawlessly. You see, Virginia, there's really no one else who can do what Santa does. No one.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action) and end with appropriate punctuation marks. Paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ You've got a gigantic bag of multi-sized boxes, and your main goal is to get you and that bag over to the tree-shaped stand of lights in the corner without knocking anything over, or alerting mom and pop. That's a feat only Santa could accomplish. And, unsurprisingly, he does his job flawlessly.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Virgina,

No I don't think Santa Claus is real because of four reasons. One, have you seen presents with your name on them before Christmas? Two, how could he get into your house if you don't have a chimney? Three, if Santa eats all the milk and cookies laid out for him, Don't you think he might throw up from all that milk? Last but not least four, no one could like in the North Pole, as long as he has, without freezing to death.

I know that people say that Santa comes and leaves gifts under your Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. But I beat that before then you look at your presets with your name on them. Have you noticed those presents that are to you and it says from so and so, but it doesn't say from Santa all the time does they? When you get cloths for Christmas, do you think that Santa would give someone cloths instead of toys, I would say no. When Santa comes, he comes down the chimney doesn't he? Well what if you don't have one? Does he just break a window and squeeze through. Or maybe he breaks the door down. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in the North Pole? Well I never been there, but I can tell you this. It's freezing! How could someone live there without freezing to death? Could a fire keep you warm or would it turn into ice? There is just no way Santa could live there without freezing to death. Think of all the milk Santa would drink. Gallons and gallons of milk he would drink in 24 hours. Think of all those cookies he eats. Could you believe that someone will eat and drink that much and wont get sick and throw up. I really don't believe that he won't be sick and throw up.

To me, there is just no way that Santa could be real from the information I just wrote. It's just not humanly possible for him to live in freezing cold temperatures, but coming into your hose would be possible, but he would have to break into your house if you don't have a chimney. There's no way he can eat and drink as much as he does, without getting sick and throwing up. Also why would he give you something if you might be already waiting for you to open on Christmas morning? So I hope you understand what im trying explain why I think there is not a Santa Claus.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of whether or not Santa Claus exists, but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“No I don't think Santa Claus is real because of four reasons. One, have you seen presents with your name on them before Christmas? Two, how could he get into your house if you don't have a chimney? Three, if Santa eats all the milk and cookies laid out for him, Don't you think he might throw up from all that milk? Last but not least four, no one could like in the North Pole, as long as he has, without freezing to death.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“I know that people say that Santa comes and leaves gifts under your Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. But I beat that before then you look at your presets with your name on them. Have you noticed those presents that are to you and it says from so and so, but it doesn't say from Santa all the time does they? When you get cloths for Christmas, do you think that Santa would give someone cloths instead of toys, I would say no.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers, but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince them of his/her point of view. (“Think of all the milk Santa would drink. Gallons and gallons of milk he would drink in 24 hours. Think of all those cookies he eats. Could you believe that someone will eat and drink that much and wont get sick and throw up. I really don't believe that he won't be sick and throw up.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against the existence of Santa Claus. The writer does attempt to address readers, but does not integrate counterarguments into the response.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“When Santa comes, he comes down the chimney doesn't he? Well what if you don't have one? Does he just break a window and squeeze through. Or maybe he breaks the door down. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in the North Pole? Well I never been there, but I can tell you this. It's freezing! How could someone live there without freezing to death? Could a fire keep you warm or would it turn into ice? There is just no way Santa could live there without freezing to death.”)

The writer includes thought-provoking questions as a way to illustrate his/her opinion. (“Have you noticed those presents that are to you and it says from so and so, but it doesn't say from Santa all the time does they? When you get cloths for Christmas, do you think that Santa would give someone cloths instead of toys, I would say no. When Santa comes, he comes down the chimney doesn't he? Well what if you don't have one?”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s reasoning for the implausibility of the existence of Santa Claus, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for why Santa could not really exist, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“To me, there is just no way that Santa could be real from the information I just wrote. It's just not humanly possible for him to live in freezing cold temperatures, but coming into your hose would be possible, but he would have to break into your house if you don't have a chimney.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by stating the writer’s opinion immediately and offering four reasons to support his/her view. (“Dear Virgina, No I don't think Santa Claus is real because of four reasons. One, have you seen presents with your name on them before Christmas? Two, how could he get into your house if you don't have a chimney? Three, if Santa eats all the milk and cookies laid out for him, Don't you think he might throw up from all that milk? Last but not least four, no one could like in the North Pole, as long as he has, without freezing to death.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“I know that people say that Santa comes and leaves gifts under your Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. But I beat that before then you look at your presets with your name on them. Have you noticed those presents that are to you and it says from so and so, but it doesn't say from Santa all the time does they? When you get cloths for Christmas, do you think that Santa would give someone cloths instead of toys, I would say no. When Santa comes, he comes down the chimney doesn't he? Well what if you don't have one? Does he just break a window and squeeze through. Or maybe he breaks the door down. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in the North Pole? Well I never been there, but I can tell you this. It's freezing!”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“To me, there is just no way that Santa could be real from the information I just wrote. It's just not humanly possible for him to live in freezing cold temperatures, but coming into your hose would be possible, but he would have to break into your house if you don't have a chimney. There's no way he can eat and drink as much as he does, without getting sick and throwing up. Also why would he give you something if you might be already waiting for you to open on Christmas morning? So I hope you understand what im trying explain why I think there is not a Santa Claus.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Think of all the milk Santa would drink. Gallons and gallons of milk he would drink in 24 hours. Think of all those cookies he eats. Could you believe that someone will eat and drink that much and wont get sick and throw up. I really don't believe that he won't be sick and throw up.”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in the North Pole? Well I never been there, but I can tell you this. It's freezing! How could someone live there without freezing to death? Could a fire keep you warm or would it turn into ice? There is just no way Santa could live there without freezing to death.”)

The structure of sentences in the essay is often short, choppy, and repetitive. (“No I don't think Santa Claus is real because of four reasons. One, have you seen presents with your name on them before Christmas? Two, how could he get into your house if you don't have a chimney? Three, if Santa eats all the milk and cookies laid out for him, Don't you think he might throw up from all that milk? Last but not least four, no one could like in the North Pole, as long as he has, without freezing to death.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“It's just not humanly possible for him to live in freezing cold temperatures, but coming into your hose would be possible, but he would have to break into your house if you don't have a chimney. There's no way he can eat and drink as much as he does, without getting sick and throwing up. Also why would he give you something if you might be already waiting for you to open on Christmas morning? So I hope you understand what im trying explain why I think there is not a Santa Claus.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Virginia, I'm sorry to tell you but Santa Clause is not real. The name Santa Clause was created a long time ago. See there was a guy named Chris Kringle who used to make toys to give to little boys and girls in a nearby village. He eventually was given the name Saint Nick and sooner or later people started calling him Santa Clause. That is why parents tell their kids that there is a Santa Clause mainly so that they can have something to look forward to every year.

Truthfully, the other kids are right there is no Santa Clause. Just because he isn't real doesn't mean that you can't still believe in him. Cause many people believe in things that aren't real. Like ghosts for instance they're not real but many people believe in them. Basicaly what I'm saying is its okay to believe in Santa Clause even if he isn't real.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of whether Santa Claus is real or not. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“Virginia, I'm sorry to tell you but Santa Clause is not real. The name Santa Clause was created a long time ago.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“Truthfully, the other kids are right there is no Santa Clause. Just because he isn't real doesn't mean that you can't still believe in him.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“See there was a guy named Chris Kringle who used to make toys to give to little boys and girls in a nearby village. He eventually was given the name Saint Nick and sooner or later people started calling him Santa Clause. That is why parents tell their kids that there is a Santa Clause mainly so that they can have something to look forward to every year.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of the existence of Santa Claus. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving a one-sided essay that is minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“Virginia, I'm sorry to tell you but Santa Clause is not real. The name Santa Clause was created a long time ago. See there was a guy named Chris Kringle who used to make toys to give to little boys and girls in a nearby village. He eventually was given the name Saint Nick and sooner or later people started calling him Santa Clause. That is why parents tell their kids that there is a Santa Clause mainly so that they can have something to look forward to every year.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Truthfully, the other kids are right there is no Santa Clause. Just because he isn't real doesn't mean that you can't still believe in him. Cause many people believe in things that aren't real.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view. (“Cause many people believe in things that aren't real. Like ghosts for instance they're not real but many people believe in them.”)

Organization

There is minimal organization in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Virginia, I'm sorry to tell you but Santa Clause is not real. The name Santa Clause was created a long time ago. See there was a guy named Chris Kringle who used to make toys to give to little boys and girls in a nearby village. He eventually was given the name Saint Nick and sooner or later people started calling him Santa Clause. That is why parents tell their kids that there is a Santa Clause mainly so that they can have something to look forward to every year.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Just because he isn't real doesn't mean that you can't still believe in him. Cause many people believe in things that aren't real. Like ghosts for instance they're not real but many people believe in them.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next. (“Basicaly what I'm saying is its okay to believe in Santa Clause even if he isn't real.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the response, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“Virginia, I'm sorry to tell you but Santa Clause is not real. The name Santa Clause was created a long time ago. See there was a guy named Chris Kringle who used to make toys to give to little boys and girls in a nearby village. He eventually was given the name Saint Nick and sooner or later people started calling him Santa Clause. That is why parents tell their kids that there is a Santa Clause mainly so that they can have something to look forward to every year.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured and contain repetitive ideas. (“Just because he isn't real doesn't mean that you can't still believe in him. Cause many people believe in things that aren't real. Like ghosts for instance they're not real but many people believe in them. Basicaly what I'm saying is its okay to believe in Santa Clause even if he isn't real.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of the nonexistence of Santa Claus. (“Truthfully, the other kids are right there is no Santa Clause. Just because he isn't real doesn't mean that you can't still believe in him. Cause many people believe in things that aren't real. Like ghosts for instance they're not real but many people believe in them. Basicaly what I'm saying is its okay to believe in Santa Clause even if he isn't real.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates occasional appropriate use of punctuation and capitalization, but some words are spelled incorrectly, and there are sentence fragments. (“Truthfully, the other kids are right there is no Santa Clause. Just because he isn't real doesn't mean that you can't still believe in him. Cause many people believe in things that aren't real. Like ghosts for instance they're not real but many people believe in them. Basicaly what I'm saying is its okay to believe in Santa Clause even if he isn't real.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers. There is one special reindeer named rodof. He has a red nose and all of the other reindeer make fun of him Santa has a realy big house. There are also little houses for all of santa's elfs. He owns reindeers, horses, and alot of farm animals. To day he is almost finished on his new slae. It has so many cool things in it and on it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of the existence of Santa Claus. The writer merely focuses on some of the things Santa has at his home in the North Pole. (“Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers. There is one special reindeer named rodof. He has a red nose and all of the other reindeer make fun of him Santa has a realy big house.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“To day he is almost finished on his new slae. It has so many cool things in it and on it.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of the existence of Santa Claus. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers. There is one special reindeer named rodof.”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas in body paragraphs are present. (“Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers. There is one special reindeer named rodof. He has a red nose and all of the other reindeer make fun of him Santa has a realy big house. There are also little houses for all of santa's elfs. He owns reindeers, horses, and alot of farm animals. To day he is almost finished on his new slae. It has so many cool things in it and on it.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how there is a Santa Claus and lists some of the things Santa owns. (“There is one special reindeer named rodof. He has a red nose and all of the other reindeer make fun of him Santa has a realy big house. There are also little houses for all of santa's elfs. He owns reindeers, horses, and alot of farm animals.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“There are also little houses for all of santa's elfs. He owns reindeers, horses, and alot of farm animals.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“To day he is almost finished on his new slae. It has so many cool things in it and on it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers.”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“There is one special reindeer named rodof. He has a red nose and all of the other reindeer make fun of him Santa has a realy big house. There are also little houses for all of santa's elfs.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view, and as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers.”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade the readers to agree with the idea that Santa Claus exists, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“He owns reindeers, horses, and alot of farm animals. To day he is almost finished on his new slae.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“Yes Virginia.... there is a stanta claus. Yes he lives in the north pole with penguens and the mose and the raindeers. There is one special reindeer named rodof.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Rising to the Challenge of Cyberbullying

Although cyberbullying does not always take place at school or during school hours, there is often a school-related link between the parties involved. Perhaps the bully and the victim are classmates, or perhaps they met through a classmate. How can a school respond to and protect students from cyberbullying, especially when the bullying occurs off campus? What are the school's limits of responsibility?

After reading the teacher assigned articles on school accountability, write a detailed essay arguing your position on the responsibility of a school to protect students from cyberbullying. Be sure to acknowledge competing views and cite evidence from the texts to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The internet was originally created for the purpose of being a resource; a place to find information from all around the world at the click of a mouse. However, if you live in America today, you know that the internet is used for so many more things than just research. People interact online like never before, many of those being students middle school age and up. There's nothing wrong with talking to your friends online right? Well, you might think it would be harmless, but in this day and age many people are abusing their right of free speech online. Teenagers are being bullied online, sometimes to the point of suicide, and now the question is, how do we make this stop? Should local schools get involved? My answer is “yes!”

Everyone has seen how much power the public education system has in our society. School is so important to an adolescent's education as well as social development, and bullying at schools is terrible, but in most cases, is stopped immediately. Cyberbullying however, is a very different playing field. No one is held accountable for the harassment they do to their peers online, but should they be? I think they should. The educators at school need to treat this just like any other type of bullying, because in the long run, its effects on the student are the same.

I'm sure every teenager who attends public school knows of a couple kids who seem to always get bad grades, miss class, or forget their work. Well, that kid could be the victim of cyberbullying. People who are cyberbullied are generally less likely to tell anyone, because they think it cannot or will not be stopped. If schools were openly telling teens to report cyberbullying, the teens who fall victim to it would have a place to seek help. Schools need to be teaching their students the devastating effects of online bullying, because the more we know, the easier it is to know where to report a case or to seek help for ourselves or our friends. If I knew I could get help for my people I know who are being cyberbullied, I would definitely report as soon as possible. Teens are as afraid to log into their computer as they would be to walk into a school, when it comes to being bullied. Kids at school think that it is okay to harass another student, as long as it's not on the school grounds. That should not be the case anymore; teens should feel as safe at home as at school.

I think a big issue with cyberbullies is that they think they can get away with it. That's true for many people, in a sense. If you're not going to get in trouble, you might as well do it, right? Wrong. If schools made sure there was a punishment for people caught bullying another student online, I think the number of kids bullied would go down drastically. Cyberbullies don't have anyone to be afraid of, and they will not stop until they know they'll get in trouble. Cyberbullies do not seem to realize the emotional effects they are having on their victim. Words said online can hurt just as much as something said face-to-face, and most cyberbullies don't seem to understand that. Some people seem to say mean things online to everyone they can, just for kicks, not realizing how much that hurts. Cyberbullies need to be taught the consequences of their actions. Schools need to treat this just like any other case of bullying, so that cyberbullies will realize that it's just as serious as saying mean things to someone's face.

Schools are so powerful, and if they have power to stop this, they should. The amount of teens committing suicide is rising every year, and I think cyberbullying plays a big part in this. I have personally read stories of teens my age who were bullied on sites like Facebook that have taken their own life because they felt so helpless. There will always be bullies, we can't eradicate them completely, but we can stop the amount of harassment that happens every day to helpless victims online. Some people think that schools stepping into this issue are invading privacy, but honestly I think that saving teens from taking their lives is a little more important. I think that the amount of bullying online is completely ridiculous, and schools may be the only ones that can stop this from happening as often as it does now.

In conclusion, I really believe that cyberbullies can be (and should be) stopped as soon as possible, and that schools should be the ones to take action. Cyberbullying is a serious issue. The emotional effects can be absolutely devastating on a student, especially when it's their own peers doing the harassment. I strongly believe that schools need to rethink their policies on bullying for the twenty-first century and add cyberbullying as an unacceptable behavior. Students will feel less helpless knowing the school is on their side, and I know that the amount of bullying that is happening on the internet would drop drastically. No one deserves to feel like they are defenseless against bullies, even if they are behind a computer screen. Almost all students would agree with me in saying that bullying online is the same in how it makes you feel. It hurts. Cyberbullies like the feeling of anonymity they get from not really bullying someone to their face, so that accounts for the amount of bullies who use the online world as their place to find helpless victims. Schools can stop this. I hope everyone will realize how severe this type of bullying is, and help me in the fight to get stricter policies in schools that stop cyberbullying.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion that effectively persuades readers. The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and the intended audience. Also, the essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention by describing how people use the Internet today, he/she follows with an opinion statement. (“The internet was originally created for the purpose of being a resource; a place to find information from all around the world at the click of a mouse. However, if you live in America today, you know that the internet is used for so many more things than just research. People interact online like never before, many of those being students middle school age and up. There's nothing wrong with talking to your friends online right? Well, you might think it would be harmless, but in this day and age many people are abusing their right of free speech online. Teenagers are being bullied online, sometimes to the point of suicide, and now the question is, how do we make this stop? Should local schools get involved? My answer is ‘yes!’”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for convincing the intended audience of his/her point of view. (“Everyone has seen how much power the public education system has in our society. School is so important to an adolescent's education as well as social development, and bullying at schools is terrible, but in most cases, is stopped immediately. Cyberbullying however, is a very different playing field. No one is held accountable for the harassment they do to their peers online, but should they be? I think they should. The educators at school need to treat this just like any other type of bullying, because in the long run, its effects on the student are the same.”)

The essay effectively stays focused on the central/controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that schools are the places that can have the most impact on controlling cyberbullying within the student population. Each paragraph discusses an aspect of the problem and how intervention by schools can improve the situation. (“I'm sure every teenager who attends public school knows of a couple kids who seem to always get bad grades, miss class, or forget their work. Well, that kid could be the victim of cyberbullying. People who are cyberbullied are generally less likely to tell anyone, because they think it cannot or will not be stopped. If schools were openly telling teens to report cyberbullying, the teens who fall victim to it would have a place to seek help. Schools need to be teaching their students the devastating effects of online bullying, because the more we know, the easier it is to know where to report a case or to seek help for ourselves or our friends. If I knew I could get help for my people I know who are being cyberbullied, I would definitely report as soon as possible. Teens are as afraid to log into their computer as they would be to walk into a school, when it comes to being bullied. Kids at school think that it is okay to harass another student, as long as it's not on the school grounds. That should not be the case anymore; teens should feel as safe at home as at school.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of a school’s responsibility to control cyberbullies. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer uses a variety of examples and anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. The writer points out the need for consequences for cyberbullying as it relates to any instance of bullying among students. (“I think a big issue with cyberbullies is that they think they can get away with it. That's true for many people, in a sense. If you're not going to get in trouble, you might as well do it, right? Wrong. If schools made sure there was a punishment for people caught bullying another student online, I think the number of kids bullied would go down drastically. Cyberbullies don't have anyone to be afraid of, and they will not stop until they know they'll get in trouble. Cyberbullies do not seem to realize the emotional effects they are having on their victim. Words said online can hurt just as much as something said face-to-face, and most cyberbullies don't seem to understand that. Some people seem to say mean things online to everyone they can, just for kicks, not realizing how much that hurts. Cyberbullies need to be taught the consequences of their actions. Schools need to treat this just like any other case of bullying, so that cyberbullies will realize that it's just as serious as saying mean things to someone's face.”)

Details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by challenging readers. The writer successfully asks readers to imagine the high stakes involved, actively engaging them to take action. (“Schools are so powerful, and if they have power to stop this, they should. The amount of teens committing suicide is rising every year, and I think cyberbullying plays a big part in this. I have personally read stories of teens my age who were bullied on sites like Facebook that have taken their own life because they felt so helpless. There will always be bullies, we can't eradicate them completely, but we can stop the amount of harassment that happens every day to helpless victims online.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some people think that schools stepping into this issue are invading privacy, but honestly I think that saving teens from taking their lives is a little more important. I think that the amount of bullying online is completely ridiculous, and schools may be the only ones that can stop this from happening as often as it does now.”)

Organization

The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The writer relates the topic of the essay to personal experiences that are relevant to the readers. The implication is that every reader understands the power of the Internet in daily life. (“The internet was originally created for the purpose of being a resource; a place to find information from all around the world at the click of a mouse. However, if you live in America today, you know that the internet is used for so many more things than just research. People interact online like never before, many of those being students middle school age and up. There's nothing wrong with talking to your friends online right? Well, you might think it would be harmless, but in this day and age many people are abusing their right of free speech online. Teenagers are being bullied online, sometimes to the point of suicide, and now the question is, how do we make this stop? Should local schools get involved? My answer is ‘yes!’”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions, such as “however,” help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Everyone has seen how much power the public education system has in our society. School is so important to an adolescent's education as well as social development, and bullying at schools is terrible, but in most cases, is stopped immediately. Cyberbullying however, is a very different playing field. No one is held accountable for the harassment they do to their peers online, but should they be? I think they should. The educators at school need to treat this just like any other type of bullying, because in the long run, its effects on the student are the same.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. The writer reviews the serious emotional effects of cyberbullying and entreats readers to fight for stricter policies in schools to control it. (“In conclusion, I really believe that cyberbullies can be

(and should be) stopped as soon as possible, and that schools should be the ones to take action. Cyberbullying is a serious issue. The emotional effects can be absolutely devastating on a student, especially when it's their own peers doing the harassment. I strongly believe that schools need to rethink their policies on bullying for the twenty-first century and add cyberbullying as an unacceptable behavior. Students will feel less helpless knowing the school is on their side, and I know that the amount of bullying that is happening on the internet would drop drastically. No one deserves to feel like they are defenseless against bullies, even if they are behind a computer screen. Almost all students would agree with me in saying that bullying online is the same in how it makes you feel. It hurts. Cyberbullies like the feeling of anonymity they get from not really bullying someone to their face, so that accounts for the amount of bullies who use the online world as their place to find helpless victims. Schools can stop this. I hope everyone will realize how severe this type of bullying is, and help me in the fight to get stricter policies in schools that stop cyberbullying.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I'm sure every teenager who attends public school knows of a couple kids who seem to always get bad grades, miss class, or forget their work. Well, that kid could be the victim of cyberbullying. People who are cyberbullied are generally less likely to tell anyone, because they think it cannot or will not be stopped. If schools were openly telling teens to report cyberbullying, the teens who fall victim to it would have a place to seek help. Schools need to be teaching their students the devastating effects of online bullying, because the more we know, the easier it is to know where to report a case or to seek help for ourselves or our friends. If I knew I could get help for my people I know who are being cyberbullied, I would definitely report as soon as possible. Teens are as afraid to log into their computer as they would be to walk into a school, when it comes to being bullied. Kids at school think that it is okay to harass another student, as long as it's not on the school grounds. That should not be the case anymore; teens should feel as safe at home as at school.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“There's nothing wrong with talking to your friends online right? Well, you might think it would be harmless, but in this day and age many people are abusing their right of free speech online. Teenagers are being bullied online, sometimes to the point of suicide, and now the question is, how do we make this stop? Should local schools get involved? My answer is ‘yes!’”)

Coherent use of style and tone ensures that readers will thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. The writer discusses how students will continue to bully others if there are no consequences or penalties for doing so. He/she continues by stating that schools are in a position to educate and enforce consequences for students’ inappropriate behaviors. (“I think a big issue with cyberbullies is that they think they can get away with it. That's true for many people, in a sense. If you're not going to get in trouble, you might as well do it, right? Wrong. If schools made sure there was a punishment for people caught bullying another student online, I think the number of kids bullied would go down drastically. Cyberbullies don't have anyone to be afraid of, and they will not stop until they know they'll get in trouble. Cyberbullies do not seem to realize the emotional effects they are having on their victim. Words said online can hurt just as much as something said face-to-face, and most cyberbullies don't seem to understand that. Some people seem to say mean things online to everyone they can, just for kicks, not realizing how much that hurts. Cyberbullies need to be taught the consequences of their actions. Schools need to treat this just like any other case of bullying, so that cyberbullies will realize that it's just as serious as saying mean things to someone's face.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“I strongly believe that schools need to rethink their policies on bullying for the twenty-first century and add cyberbullying as an unacceptable behavior. Students will feel less helpless knowing the school is on their side, and I know that the amount of bullying that is happening on the internet would drop drastically. No one deserves to feel like they are defenseless against bullies, even if they are behind a computer screen.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Bullying is a huge issue. It can happen at school, at home, and even online. Online bullying is called cyber bullying. Cyber bullying can happen through Facebook, texting, and other social networking sites. Since kids and teenagers are a school most of the day, should the schools be responsible for controlling cyber bullying? I believe that schools should not be responsible for cyber bullying because teachers have very little experience, they can't control what happens at home, and schools already have many responsibilities.

First, schools cannot control what happens at home. If students are cyber bullied at school, schools might be able to protect that student from cyber bullying. While that student might be protected at school, they still have to go home at the end of the school day. Parents can help their kids with cyber bullying. It is not the school's job to protect the student from cyber bullying at home when the student's parents can. Parents interfere with their child's life more than the school does. In a way, parents are better at controlling cyber bullying than the school is. Parents can go to classes to learn how to protect their child from cyber bullying if they want to as well. Ana Tantum says, "Can schools control it? I don't know. I think they can deal with it if they can talk about it at school, but at the end of the day what you do at home is hard to control," That just proves that students agree that schools can't control what happens at home.

Next, schools already have many responsibilities. Schools are responsible for teaching the students, getting students to be fit and active through gym and recess, and also feeding students lunch and even sometimes breakfast! Schools are responsible for most of students' daily lives. Should schools have to take on yet another responsibility- controlling cyber bullying? I don't think so. Teachers already have a lot of work to do. They spend most of their day teaching students. When they get home, they have papers to grade and lessons to plan. It would be too much stress for one person to do all of those things, including looking out for students being cyber bullied.

Last, teachers have very little experience on protecting kids from cyber bullying. Teachers have not been trained on how to control cyber bullying. An expert on cyber bullying has. You can't replace teachers with experts on cyber bullying because students would not learn! If schools don't have the teachers go through training on cyber bullying, they might even make the situation worse! "In defense of teachers, very few of them have ever had training on bullying prevention, much less how to intervene without making the situation worse," Says Marlene Snyder of Clemson University's Institute on Family and Neighborhood Life. Phoebe Prince was a girl who got bullied and eventually committed suicide. School officials have said that they did not know about Phoebe's harassment before she committed suicide. If teachers and counselors do not know about the bullying, how are they supposed to prevent, control, and stop it?

Some people might disagree with me saying that students are at school all day every day. My answer is that no, students are not at schools all day, every day. Actually, students are at school for not even half a day! Students are at home, at sports, or at a friend's house for most of the day. A normal school day is 7-8 hours long. An entire day is 24 hours. Students are not at school all day!

In conclusion, schools should not be responsible for cyber bullying because teachers have very little experience, they can't control what happens at home, and schools already have many responsibilities. Bullying is a big issue, but schools should not be the ones that have to worry about it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. In order to persuade readers, the writer establishes and maintains a clear position on whether or not schools should be accountable for intervening in instances of cyberbullying. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the task.

The writer focuses the readers’ attention by beginning with the broad issue of bullying and narrowing it down specifically to cyberbullying. He/she then asks a pivotal question before stating his/her opinion. (“Bullying is a huge issue. It can happen at school, at home, and even online. Online bullying is called cyber bullying. Cyber bullying can happen through Facebook, texting, and other social networking sites. Since kids and teenagers are a school most of the day, should the schools be responsible for controlling cyber bullying? ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Since kids and teenagers are a school most of the day, should the schools be responsible for controlling cyber bullying? I believe that schools should not be responsible for cyber bullying because teachers have very little experience, they can't control what happens at home, and schools already have many responsibilities. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer states his/her opinion that schools should only be responsible for what happens at school. He/she uses quotations to support his/her view that what happens at home is the parents’ responsibility. (“First, schools cannot control what happens at home. If students are cyber bullied at school, schools might be able to protect that student from cyber bullying. While that student might be protected at school, they still have to go home at the end of the school day. Parents can help their kids with cyber bullying. It is not the school's job to protect the student from cyber bullying at home when the student's parents can. Parents interfere with their child's life more than the school does. In a way, parents are better at controlling cyber bullying than the school is. Parents can go to classes to learn how to protect their child from cyber bullying if they want to as well. Ana Tantum says, ‘Can schools control it? I don't know. I think they can deal with it if they can talk about it at school, but at the end of the day what you do at home is hard to control,’ That just proves that students agree that schools can't control what happens at home. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. He/she develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. The essay clearly addresses the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The writer includes examples and explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. In this paragraph, he/she lists the many varied responsibilities currently expected of educators. This validates his/her view that schools should not be asked to monitor students when they are off school grounds. (“Next, schools already have many responsibilities. Schools are responsible for teaching the students, getting students to be fit and active through gym and recess, and also feeding students lunch and even sometimes breakfast! Schools are responsible for most of students' daily lives. Should schools have to take on yet another responsibility- controlling cyber bullying? I don't think so. Teachers already have a lot of work to do. They spend most of their day teaching students. When they get home, they have papers to grade and lessons to plan. It would be too much stress for one person to do all of those things, including looking out for students being cyber bullied. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer explains that without training, teacher intervention may actually make bullying problems worse. (“Last, teachers have very little experience on protecting kids from cyber bullying. Teachers have not been trained on how to control cyber bullying. An expert on cyber bullying has. You can't replace teachers with experts on cyber bullying because students would not learn! If schools don't have the teachers go through training on cyber bullying, they might even make the situation worse! ‘In defense of teachers, very few of them have ever had training on bullying prevention, much less how to intervene without making the situation worse,’ Says Marlene Snyder of Clemson University's Institute on Family and Neighborhood Life. Phoebe Prince was a girl who got bullied and eventually committed suicide. School officials have said that they did not know about Phoebe's harassment before she committed suicide. If teachers and counselors do not know about the bullying, how are they supposed to prevent, control, and stop it? ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people might disagree with me saying that students are at school all day every day. My answer is that no, students are not at schools all day, every day. Actually, students are at school for not even half a day! Students are at home, at sports, or at a friend's house for most of the day. A normal school day is 7-8 hours long. An entire day is 24 hours. Students are not at school all day! ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue of cyberbullying. (“Bullying is a huge issue. It can happen at school, at home, and even online. Online bullying is called cyber bullying. Cyber bullying can happen through Facebook, texting, and other social networking sites. Since kids and teenagers are a school most of the day, should the schools be responsible for controlling cyber bullying? I believe that schools should not be responsible for cyber bullying because teachers have very little experience, they can't control what happens at home, and schools already have many responsibilities. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs and sentences help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“First, schools cannot control what happens at home. If students are cyber bullied at school, schools might be able to protect that student from cyber bullying. While that student might be protected at school, they still have to go home at the end of the school day. Parents can help their kids with cyber bullying. It is not the school's job to protect the student from cyber bullying at home when the student's parents can. Parents interfere with their child's life more than the school does. In a way, parents are better at controlling cyber bullying than the school is. Parents can go to classes to learn how to protect their child from cyber bullying if they want to as well. Ana Tantum says, ‘Can schools control it? I don't know. I think they can deal with it if they can talk about it at school, but at the end of the day what you do at home is hard to control,’ That just proves that students agree that schools can't control what happens at home. ”)

The conclusion reiterates the main points of the writer's argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, schools should not be responsible for cyber bullying because teachers have very little experience, they can't control what happens at home, and schools already have many responsibilities. Bullying is a big issue, but schools should not be the ones that have to worry about it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone of the essay are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Coherent use of style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Next, schools already have many responsibilities. Schools are responsible for teaching the students, getting students to be fit and active through gym and recess, and also feeding students lunch and even sometimes breakfast! Schools are responsible for most of students' daily lives. Should schools have to take on yet another responsibility- controlling cyber bullying? I don't think so. Teachers already have a lot of work to do. They spend most of their day teaching students. When they get home, they have papers to grade and lessons to plan. It would be too much stress for one person to do all of those things, including looking out for students being cyber bullied. ”)

The writer uses strong language to make his/her argument more persuasive. (“Last, teachers have very little experience on protecting kids from cyber bullying. Teachers have not been trained on how to control cyber bullying. An expert on cyber bullying has. You can't replace teachers with experts on cyber bullying because students would not learn! If schools don't have the teachers go through training on cyber bullying, they might even make the situation worse! ‘In defense of teachers, very few of them have ever had training on bullying prevention, much less how to intervene without making the situation worse,’ Says Marlene Snyder of Clemson University's Institute on Family and Neighborhood Life. Phoebe Prince was a girl who got bullied and eventually committed suicide. School officials have said that they did not know about Phoebe's harassment before she committed suicide. If teachers and counselors do not know about the bullying, how are they supposed to prevent, control, and stop it? ”)

The writer uses varied sentence structures and lengths to create an interesting flow. (“Bullying is a huge issue. It can happen at school, at home, and even online. Online bullying is called cyber bullying. Cyber bullying can happen through Facebook, texting, and other social networking sites. Since kids and teenagers are a school most of the day, should the schools be responsible for controlling cyber bullying? I believe that schools should not be responsible for cyber bullying because teachers have very little experience, they can't control what happens at home, and schools already have many responsibilities. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Some people might disagree with me saying that students are at school all day every day. My answer is that no, students are not at schools all day, every day. Actually, students are at school for not even half a day! Students are at home, at sports, or at a friend's house for most of the day. A normal school day is 7-8 hours long. An entire day is 24 hours. Students are not at school all day! ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Several young kids are hurt everyday because of cyberbullies that have pushed them to far. There are several reasons the schools need to halp these kids. First, kids are at school a good amount of time Second, some of these students have uninvolved parents. Third, they have several people that they can talk to in their school. Teachers and other people at the school can help this situation no matter where it is taking place.

The first reason schools should help is students are at school a large portion of their time. They go to school five out of seven days a week for six to seven hours. The teachers and administration can use this time to teach the bullies what they are doing wrong. They can also talk to the people who are being bullyed to help them figure out how to deal with it. Also, technology is a big part of this generation. Students use their phones during instscructional time everyday without the teachers noticing. The schools have plenty of time to solve these problems, but they are not using it to their advantage.

Next, some parents aren't as involved in thier kids life as they could be. The parents are also not at school to watch over them there. Not having a supportive parent may lead to the child feeling sad. These students will tyake their anger out on other kids on the internet or maybe even in person. Parents are busy with their own lives and can not always support their students as muchy as they may like to.

Lastly, If the kids are at school they will always have someone to talk to about this problem. They may not always feel comfortable talking with their parents about this sort of topic. The bullies and the victims need to have someone to talk to whenever they feel they need to. If the teachers and the administration learned how to help ther students would always have someone to turn to. These students will not be alone.

Some may say that everyone has freedom of speech. However, people tend to abuse this way to often. Not all young adults know how to use their words without hurting someone elses feeling. This is the schools and possibly parents chance to to change it. Words can hurt more than actions even if it is over a computer screen. We all have the right to say what we want until we take it to far.

In conclusion, schools need to help the students wherever the bullying is happening. Kids are at school a good portion of the time. The students will always feel they have someone to talk to at school how can help them out. Parents aren't as involved in their students lives as much as they may want to be. This situation is getting worse and worse the longer we let it go. Schools have the right to change this problem if they are doing it for the best.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning. He/she establishes an opinion and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and the intended audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the task.

The writer’s thesis statement/controlling idea adequately states what he/she believes about the issue of a school’s level of accountability for bullying on the Internet. (“Teachers and other people at the school can help this situation no matter where it is taking place.”)

The language of the thesis statement/controlling idea fits the examples well. Explanations support the writer’s assertion that schools are in the best position to manage cyberbullying among students. (“There are several reasons the schools need to halp these kids. First, kids are at school a good amount of time Second, some of these students have uninvolved parents. Third, they have several people that they can talk to in their school.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for the audience, and slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language are rarely used. (“The first reason schools should help is students are at school a large portion of their time. They go to school five out of seven days a week for six to seven hours. The teachers and administration can use this time to teach the bullies what they are doing wrong. They can also talk to the people who are being bullyed to help them figure out how to deal with it. Also, technology is a big part of this generation. Students use their phones during instscructional time everyday without the teachers noticing. The schools have plenty of time to solve these problems, but they are not using it to their advantage.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support his/her position. Also, the essay briefly addresses counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“The first reason schools should help is students are at school a large portion of their time. They go to school five out of seven days a week for six to seven hours. The teachers and administration can use this time to teach the bullies what they are doing wrong. They can also talk to the people who are being bullyed to help them figure out how to deal with it. Also, technology is a big part of this generation. Students use their phones during instscructional time everyday without the teachers noticing. The schools have plenty of time to solve these problems, but they are not using it to their advantage.”)

The explanations and details used to support the writer's main ideas are adequate. (“Next, some parents aren't as involved in thier kids life as they could be. The parents are also not at school to watch over them there. Not having a supportive parent may lead to the child feeling sad. These students will tyake their anger out on other kids on the internet or maybe even in person. Parents are busy with their own lives and can not always support their students as muchy as they may like to.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. However, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for opposing views. The writer could integrate statistics, examples, or personal experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some may say that everyone has freedom of speech. However, people tend to abuse this way to often. Not all young adults know how to use their words without hurting someone elses feeling. This is the schools and possibly parents chance to to change it. Words can hurt more than actions even if it is over a computer screen. We all have the right to say what we want until we take it to far.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

In the introduction, the writer previews his/her main ideas to help readers understand the points that will be addressed in the essay on the issue of cyberbullying. (“Several young kids are hurt everyday because of cyberbullies that have pushed them to far. There are several reasons the schools need to halp these kids. First, kids are at school a good amount of time Second, some of these students have uninvolved parents. Third, they have several people that they can talk to in their school. Teachers and other people at the school can help this situation no matter where it is taking place.”)

The writer uses transitions, such as “next,” “lastly,” and “in conclusion,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Lastly, If the kids are at school they will always have someone to talk to about this problem. They may not always feel comfortable talking with their parents about this sort of topic. The bullies and the victims need to have someone to talk to whenever they feel they need to. If the teachers and the administration learned how to help ther students would always have someone to turn to. These students will not be alone.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, schools need to help the students wherever the bullying is happening. Kids are at school a good portion of the time. The students will always feel they have someone to talk to at school how can help them out. Parents aren't as involved in their students lives as much as they may want to be. This situation is getting worse and worse the longer we let it go. Schools have the right to change this problem if they are doing it for the best.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates adequate voice as he/she presents arguments in the essay. (“The first reason schools should help is students are at school a large portion of their time. They go to school five out of seven days a week for six to seven hours. The teachers and administration can use this time to teach the bullies what they are doing wrong. They can also talk to the people who are being bullyed to help them figure out how to deal with it. Also, technology is a big part of this generation. Students use their phones during instscructional time everyday without the teachers noticing. The schools have plenty of time to solve these problems, but they are not using it to their advantage.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Next, some parents aren't as involved in thier kids life as they could be. The parents are also not at school to watch over them there. Not having a supportive parent may lead to the child feeling sad. These students will tyake their anger out on other kids on the internet or maybe even in person. Parents are busy with their own lives and can not always support their students as muchy as they may like to.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer combines sentences with compound subjects. (“Lastly, If the kids are at school they will always have someone to talk to about this problem. They may not always feel comfortable talking with their parents about this sort of topic. The bullies and the victims need to have someone to talk to whenever they feel they need to. If the teachers and the administration learned how to help ther students would always have someone to turn to. These students will not be alone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“However, people tend to abuse this way to often. Not all young adults know how to use their words without hurting someone elses feeling. This is the schools and possibly parents chance to to change it. Words can hurt more than actions even if it is over a computer screen. We all have the right to say what we want until we take it to far.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

People communicate using social websites. Yet some get bullied or called names through these websites. Cyberbullying occurs in many places and schools think they should get involved so they can stop it but they could make the situation worse. I think schools shouldn't deal with cyberbullying. I don't think schools will make it better for the student it just might make the bully even more angry at the student.

I know schools try their best to make kids learn about new stuff and help them with their future. Cyberbullying is occurs online and schools can't stop it. Although most of it can be stopped but the bully might not quit. Schools might always make the situation worse for the student and will probably make the bully more furious. Bullies will not care if they are suspended or kicked out of the school.

Another reason is that it isn't the schools business to just get in the situation when they feel like it. Although people usually get bullied in school there are some students that won't report it. "Under law bullying complaints have to be investigated and documented"Lambeck. Yet schools don't care about doing anything but if you pay them thats a different story. Schools will hardly do anything to the situation by making it worse or just not doing much.

I understand that bullying might cause suicide or somebody to run away. "Cyberbullying is blamed for bad grades, poor attendance and even suicide, some say the law is long overdue"Lambeck. Although people want students to be safe the law isn't as strick as any other law. People need to start reporting more often because nothing will happen if no one speaks up. Bullies will get what they deserve if someone speaks up.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states his/her opinion on the argument of schools getting involved in cyberbullying situations, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and intended audience. (“ I think schools shouldn't deal with cyberbullying. I don't think schools will make it better for the student it just might make the bully even more angry at the student. ”)

The essay contains a limited amount of details that relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but the essay does not contain enough details for the argument to stand on its own. (“I know schools try their best to make kids learn about new stuff and help them with their future. Cyberbullying is occurs online and schools can't stop it. Although most of it can be stopped but the bully might not quit. Schools might always make the situation worse for the student and will probably make the bully more furious. ”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a convincing or creative way.

(“ People communicate using social websites. Yet some get bullied or called names through these websites. Cyberbullying occurs in many places and schools think they should get involved so they can stop it but they could make the situation worse. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against schools handling Internet bullying on and off school grounds. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The writer is limited in responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“I understand that bullying might cause suicide or somebody to run away. ‘Cyberbullying is blamed for bad grades, poor attendance and even suicide, some say the law is long overdue’Lambeck. Although people want students to be safe the law isn't as strick as any other law. ”)

The writer includes details that attempt to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s opinion that schools should stay out of the issue, it does not effectively support the argument . (“I know schools try their best to make kids learn about new stuff and help them with their future. Cyberbullying is occurs online and schools can't stop it. Although most of it can be stopped but the bully might not quit. Schools might always make the situation worse for the student and will probably make the bully more furious. Bullies will not care if they are suspended or kicked out of the school. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer states that cyberbullying is not the schools’ business, but the supporting examples do not explain why. Details about schools not caring are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“ Another reason is that it isn't the schools business to just get in the situation when they feel like it. Although people usually get bullied in school there are some students that won't report it. ‘Under law bullying complaints have to be investigated and documented’Lambeck. Yet schools don't care about doing anything but if you pay them thats a different story. Schools will hardly do anything to the situation by making it worse or just not doing much. ”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by observing social interactions on the Internet. The writer then tries to contrast his/her opinion with that of the school. (“People communicate using social websites. Yet some get bullied or called names through these websites. Cyberbullying occurs in many places and schools think they should get involved so they can stop it but they could make the situation worse. I think schools shouldn't deal with cyberbullying. I don't think schools will make it better for the student it just might make the bully even more angry at the student.”)

The writer uses some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. (“Another reason is that it isn't the schools business to just get in the situation when they feel like it. Although people usually get bullied in school there are some students that won't report it. ‘Under law bullying complaints have to be investigated and documented’Lambeck. Yet schools don't care about doing anything but if you pay them thats a different story. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion states a counterargument and states the writer’s position that student reporting is all that is needed to combat cyberbullying. However, it does not restate main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“I understand that bullying might cause suicide or somebody to run away. ‘Cyberbullying is blamed for bad grades, poor attendance and even suicide, some say the law is long overdue’Lambeck. Although people want students to be safe the law isn't as strick as any other law. People need to start reporting more often because nothing will happen if no one speaks up. Bullies will get what they deserve if someone speaks up. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive. (“Another reason is that it isn't the schools business to just get in the situation when they feel like it. Although people usually get bullied in school there are some students that won't report it. ‘Under law bullying complaints have to be investigated and documented’Lambeck. Yet schools don't care about doing anything but if you pay them thats a different story. Schools will hardly do anything to the situation by making it worse or just not doing much. ”)

Sentence variety is limited. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning sentences with the word “I.” (“I think schools shouldn't deal with cyberbullying. I don't think schools will make it better for the student it just might make the bully even more angry at the student… I know schools try their best to make kids learn about new stuff and help them with their future.”)

Descriptive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer needs to use specific language to convey his/her ideas in order to increase the effectiveness of his/her message. (“I understand that bullying might cause suicide or somebody to run away. ‘Cyberbullying is blamed for bad grades, poor attendance and even suicide, some say the law is long overdue’Lambeck. Although people want students to be safe the law isn't as strick as any other law. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Bullying raises questions about schools rules. bullying is an increasing problem the us. A guy teenager get $50,000 from a school. A 15 year old hangs himself at his house. A young boy hangs himself after being tormented. 11 year old hangs himself. 15 year old jacob moves schools because of bullying. Administrators ignored racial bullying in a Philidelphia school.

Cyber bullying has complicated the problem. cyber bullying is bullying some threw facebook,email etc.28 students said yes when they were asked ''have you ever heard a rumor on the internet''. People are having ideas on how to stop it. Some people say they should make leagues on teaching kids to stop bullying.

New information has not helped solved the problem. People are still bullying other kids. When they are told not to they don't listen and still do it. I think they should make a law against bullying so it can stop. But for right now they should have people suspended. I don't know why people bully other kids maybe because they want to be cool.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer makes a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of school intervention in cases of cyberbullying . The essay reveals a minimal understanding of purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer mistakenly focuses on describing the problem of bullying instead of presenting a position on the responsibility of schools in managing the problem. (“ bullying is an increasing problem the us. A guy teenager get $50,000 from a school. A 15 year old hangs himself at his house. A young boy hangs himself after being tormented. 11 year old hangs himself. 15 year old jacob moves schools because of bullying. Administrators ignored racial bullying in a Philidelphia school. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support his/her thesis or controlling idea, which is minimally stated. (“ Bullying raises questions about schools rules. ”)

The essay reveals a minimal understanding of audience. The writer uses informal, repetitive language to address his/her intended readers. (“ A 15 year old hangs himself at his house. A young boy hangs himself after being tormented. 11 year old hangs himself. ”)

Content & Development

Because the writer’s response to the prompt is minimal, it does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ Cyber bullying has complicated the problem. cyber bullying is bullying some threw facebook,email etc.28 students said yes when they were asked ‘have you ever heard a rumor on the internet’. People are having ideas on how to stop it. Some people say they should make leagues on teaching kids to stop bullying. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details would result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position. The writer states that students continue to bully even after being educated about the problem, but he/she fails to elaborate on how a law would help the situation. (“ New information has not helped solved the problem. People are still bullying other kids. When they are told not to they don't listen and still do it. I think they should make a law against bullying so it can stop. ”)

There are minimal details that explain or illustrate the writer’s point of view. (“ But for right now they should have people suspended. I don't know why people bully other kids maybe because they want to be cool. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by listing a series of disturbing events, but he/she fails to effectively connect the anecdotes to the thesis or controlling statement. (“ Bullying raises questions about schools rules. bullying is an increasing problem the us. A guy teenager get $50,000 from a school. A 15 year old hangs himself at his house. A young boy hangs himself after being tormented. 11 year old hangs himself. 15 year old jacob moves schools because of bullying. Administrators ignored racial bullying in a Philidelphia school. ”)

The essay does not include supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, there are no transitions between paragraphs or sentences. (“ Cyber bullying has complicated the problem. cyber bullying is bullying some threw facebook,email etc.28 students said yes when they were asked ‘have you ever heard a rumor on the internet’. People are having ideas on how to stop it. Some people say they should make leagues on teaching kids to stop bullying. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave readers with something to think about concerning the issue at hand. (“ New information has not helped solved the problem. People are still bullying other kids. When they are told not to they don't listen and still do it. I think they should make a law against bullying so it can stop. But for right now they should have people suspended. I don't know why people bully other kids maybe because they want to be cool. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words for effectively describing the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay. (“bullying is an increasing problem the us. A guy teenager get $50,000 from a school. A 15 year old hangs himself at his house. A young boy hangs himself after being tormented. 11 year old hangs himself. 15 year old jacob moves schools because of bullying.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of whether or not schools should be involved in enforcing consequences for students who bully on the Internet. (“Cyber bullying has complicated the problem. cyber bullying is bullying some threw facebook,email etc.28 students said yes when they were asked ‘have you ever heard a rumor on the internet’. People are having ideas on how to stop it. Some people say they should make leagues on teaching kids to stop bullying.”)

The essay attempts to incorporate effective persuasive terms but fails to convince readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. Word choices should emphasize the writer’s message in a more convincing way. (“New information has not helped solved the problem. People are still bullying other kids. When they are told not to they don't listen and still do it. I think they should make a law against bullying so it can stop. But for right now they should have people suspended. I don't know why people bully other kids maybe because they want to be cool. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

bullying on the internet is mess up that just being a stalker. Stalking people so you can just bully on the Internet so they just commit suicide or cut their selves plus why do the people getting bullied commit suicide or cut their self that is plain ridiculous if I was getting bully I will never ever cut myself or commit suicide I just ignore it. I won't care at all and if teacher had to check your phone/iphone/Ipod if your bully on facebook/twitter/my space and they have to check. that privacy teacher have check all electronics and etc. that will be annoy everyday teachers/staff/etc. checking your stuff for example if your texting your mom/dad/brother/etc. to pick you up from school the teachers staff and parcel

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer makes almost no effort to state an opinion or persuade readers in any way. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. The essay lacks an opinion statement. (“ bullying on the internet is mess up that just being a stalker. Stalking people so you can just bully on the Internet so they just commit suicide or cut their selves plus why do the people getting bullied commit suicide or cut their self that is plain ridiculous ”)

The writer fails to address the arguments mentioned in the prompt. Instead of taking a position on whether or not a school must take responsibility in instances of student bullying over the Internet, the essay focuses on describing cyberbullying and personal reactions. (“ if I was getting bully I will never ever cut myself or commit suicide I just ignore it. I won't care at all and if teacher had to check your phone/iphone/Ipod if your bully on facebook/twitter/my space and they have to check. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ that privacy teacher have check all electronics and etc. that will be annoy everyday teachers/staff/etc. checking your stuff for example if your texting your mom/dad/brother/etc. to pick you up from school the teachers staff and parcel ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details for supporting his/her arguments and position. He/she does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details that support a stated opinion about a school’s level of accountability for off-campus cyberbullying. (“Stalking people so you can just bully on the Internet so they just commit suicide or cut their selves plus why do the people getting bullied commit suicide or cut their self that is plain ridiculous if I was getting bully I will never ever cut myself or commit suicide I just ignore it. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are present in the form of body paragraphs. Additionally, the essay does not include at least three main ideas for support. (“bullying on the internet is mess up that just being a stalker. Stalking people so you can just bully on the Internet so they just commit suicide or cut their selves plus why do the people getting bullied commit suicide or cut their self that is plain ridiculous if I was getting bully I will never ever cut myself or commit suicide I just ignore it. I won't care at all and if teacher had to check your phone/iphone/Ipod if your bully on facebook/twitter/my space and they have to check. that privacy teacher have check all electronics and etc. that will be annoy everyday teachers/staff/etc. checking your stuff for example if your texting your mom/dad/brother/etc. to pick you up from school the teachers staff and parcel ”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples for support. The writer merely states his/her feelings about electronics inspections at school. (“I won't care at all and if teacher had to check your phone/iphone/Ipod if your bully on facebook/twitter/my space and they have to check. that privacy teacher have check all electronics and etc. that will be annoy everyday teachers/staff/etc. checking your stuff ”)

Organization

The thesis statement/controlling idea cannot be found at the end of the introduction. (“ bullying on the internet is mess up that just being a stalker. Stalking people so you can just bully on the Internet so they just commit suicide or cut their selves plus why do the people getting bullied commit suicide or cut their self that is plain ridiculous ”)

The writer does not use transitions to illustrate connections between ideas. (“ if I was getting bully I will never ever cut myself or commit suicide I just ignore it. I won't care at all and if teacher had to check your phone/iphone/Ipod if your bully on facebook/twitter/my space and they have to check. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves the readers with something to think about. (“that privacy teacher have check all electronics and etc. that will be annoy everyday teachers/staff/etc. checking your stuff for example if your texting your mom/dad/brother/etc. to pick you up from school the teachers staff and parcel”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ if I was getting bully I will never ever cut myself or commit suicide I just ignore it. I won't care at all and if teacher had to check your phone/iphone/Ipod if your bully on facebook/twitter/my space and they have to check. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“that privacy teacher have check all electronics and etc. that will be annoy everyday teachers/staff/etc. checking your stuff ”)

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“bullying on the internet is mess up that just being a stalker. Stalking people so you can just bully on the Internet so they just commit suicide or cut their selves ”) The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words for effectively describing the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ for example if your texting your mom/dad/brother/etc. to pick you up from school the teachers staff and parcel ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Salaries of Professional Athletes

Most professional athletes receive a very high salary to play on a professional sports team. Some people think that professional athlete salaries are too high, while others think that the high salaries are merited. How do you feel about the high salaries of professional athletes? Do you think that their unique talents make them deserving of a high income?

Write a multi-paragraph letter to the editor of your local newspaper supporting your position on whether or not you think the salaries of professional athletes are too high. Include facts, details, and examples to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor,

The irony of people bashing the salaries of professional athletes flabbergasts me. Americans devote their time, their money, and their lives around sports; in all reality, they envy the lavish lifestyle of numerous athletes. America's pastime, baseball, is watched by millions of Americans each year in hopes their admired team performs in the World Series. Sports fans pay thousands or millions of dollars for a signed ball or jersey just so they have bragging rights and a sense of pride in their beloved team. "If Americans didn't spend so much time watching and reading about sports, athletes wouldn't be paid as much" (Source D USA Today). I feel that professional athletes are paid appropriately for what they are worth because they are devoted to working hard, devoted to being idols, and devoted to making their teams popular.

Some of the greatest quotes in history are based off of work ethic. People rise up from the needy ashes and turn themselves into Gods. Any athlete knows that with the amount of painstaking work, the outcome will be titanic. "It takes an insane amount of dedication, sacrifice, aversion to pain, tenacity, and determination to get to be the king of the hill" (Source A Simmons). I myself have been in sports all my life, and I have had to face defeat, pain, and heartbreak. An athlete unquestionably needs mental toughness because athletes cannot live on weakness. I always have to remind myself that I need to attack everything to become a better athlete. So, if professional athletes work all of their lives to become the best at their abilities, then don't they deserve the money they earn?

Because they work hard, professional athletes are put on pedestals by their fans who have watched them compete over the years. The fans go through every injury and milestone with their idols. "These athletes have skills, amazing skills that are incredibly rare" (Source C Looney). Professional athletes are America's dream. They are symbols of accomplishment and hard work. What is America without sports? Americans are like the audience in a circus, gazing in amazement at the acts being performed by acrobats and dare devils. Millions of children watch these prosperous athletes in hopes of morphing just like their cherished idols. These athletes represent more than just people with extraordinary skills; they are what bring people together in the honorable times and the rotten times.

All in all, athletes are criticized not just by salaries, but from their performance. Athletes undergo abrasive comments enough; however, they still do what they love to do for the fans. Athletes bring popularity into the organization and sales. Ticket prices, merchandise, along with food and beverage sales are factors that go into organizations' revenue. Athletes make sport teams profitable. "Maybe critics of athlete salaries should put down their sports pages and pick up an economics book- or any book for that matter"(Source D USA Today). For such idolized people in America, critics need to take into consideration that there are other effects in life to worry about. I respect professional athletes for all they do on the court and off the court. Athletes donate to charities, and actually try to make a difference in the world. Although athletes may make a heart-stopping amount of compensation, money can never overshadow the uttermost pride for their sport.

On the other hand, though, some people look past the passion of these athletes and fans because of the monumental salaries. Athletes make millions of dollars each year because they have the best batting average or the most MVP's won by a basketball player. Rookies receive mouth-dropping amounts of money before even participating in a game; owners can only wait until their new drafts formulate a performance. Critics will also argue that for the work athletes do, other professions should get better compensation. Personally, teachers to me are not paid enough for what they do for children's lives. "They are athletes, for goodness' sakes. They are not saving people's lives, and the owners should stop paying them the money they do" (Source E USA Today). However, in these difficult economic times, America's attention should steer away from professional athletes’ salaries and focus on how to build the country back up. In a few cases, people loathe the spotlight athletes garner from American fans. It is fascinating how critics are blind to the larger issues in life and just focus on the minor details.

As Americans watch the gifted stars shine at their brightest, we still find the imperfections. Athletes are just regular people who all dreamed of transforming into supreme icons. One could say this embodies the American Dream. Every soul has a chance of becoming immense, but only the strongest will be offered this opportunity. We, the astronomers, gaze at the unique skills these shining stars express, and we admire their devotion to hard work, to being idols, and to the fans. I say that instead of criticizing these amazing athletes, America should start embracing them more because what is America without sports?

Sincerely,

A Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion that effectively persuades readers that professional athletes deserve the high salaries they receive. The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinion statement. (“The irony of people bashing the salaries of professional athletes flabbergasts me. Americans devote their time, their money, and their lives around sports; in all reality, they envy the lavish lifestyle of numerous athletes. America's pastime, baseball, is watched by millions of Americans each year in hopes their admired team performs in the World Series. Sports fans pay thousands or millions of dollars for a signed ball or jersey just so they have bragging rights and a sense of pride in their beloved team. ‘If Americans didn't spend so much time watching and reading about sports, athletes wouldn't be paid as much’ (Source D USA Today). I feel that professional athletes are paid appropriately for what they are worth because they are devoted to working hard, devoted to being idols, and devoted to making their teams popular.”)

The essay effectively stays focused on the central/controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that professional athletes provide a valuable service for the public in return for high salaries. Each paragraph describes a different way that athletes show devotion. (“Some of the greatest quotes in history are based off of work ethic. People rise up from the needy ashes and turn themselves into Gods. Any athlete knows that with the amount of painstaking work, the outcome will be titanic. ‘It takes an insane amount of dedication, sacrifice, aversion to pain, tenacity, and determination to get to be the king of the hill’ (Source A Simmons). I myself have been in sports all my life, and I have had to face defeat, pain, and heartbreak. An athlete unquestionably needs mental toughness because athletes cannot live on weakness. I always have to remind myself that I need to attack everything to become a better athlete. So, if professional athletes work all of their lives to become the best at their abilities, then don't they deserve the money they earn?”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“As Americans watch the gifted stars shine at their brightest, we still find the imperfections. Athletes are just regular people who all dreamed of transforming into supreme icons. One could say this embodies the American Dream. Every soul has a chance of becoming immense, but only the strongest will be offered this opportunity. We, the astronomers, gaze at the unique skills these shining stars express, and we admire their devotion to hard work, to being idols, and to the fans. I say that instead of criticizing these amazing athletes, America should start embracing them more because what is America without sports?”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position that professional athletes are skilled and devoted people who deserve the salaries that they receive. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. The example of athletes symbolizing the American Dream supports the writer's main idea that athletes are worthy of their high salaries. (“Because they work hard, professional athletes are put on pedestals by their fans who have watched them compete over the years. The fans go through every injury and milestone with their idols. ‘These athletes have skills, amazing skills that are incredibly rare’ (Source C Looney). Professional athletes are America's dream. They are symbols of accomplishment and hard work. What is America without sports? Americans are like the audience in a circus, gazing in amazement at the acts being performed by acrobats and dare devils. Millions of children watch these prosperous athletes in hopes of morphing just like their cherished idols. These athletes represent more than just people with extraordinary skills; they are what bring people together in the honorable times and the rotten times.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“On the other hand, though, some people look past the passion of these athletes and fans because of the monumental salaries. Athletes make millions of dollars each year because they have the best batting average or the most MVP's won by a basketball player. Rookies receive mouth-dropping amounts of money before even participating in a game; owners can only wait until their new drafts formulate a performance. Critics will also argue that for the work athletes do, other professions should get better compensation. Personally, teachers to me are not paid enough for what they do for children's lives. ‘They are athletes, for goodness' sakes. They are not saving people's lives, and the owners should stop paying them the money they do’ (Source E USA Today). However, in these difficult economic times, America's attention should steer away from professional athletes’ salaries and focus on how to build the country back up. In a few cases, people loathe the spotlight athletes garner from American fans. It is fascinating how critics are blind to the larger issues in life and just focus on the minor details.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I myself have been in sports all my life, and I have had to face defeat, pain, and heartbreak. An athlete unquestionably needs mental toughness because athletes cannot live on weakness. I always have to remind myself that I need to attack everything to become a better athlete. So, if professional athletes work all of their lives to become the best at their abilities, then don't they deserve the money they earn?”)

Organization

The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The writer relates the topic of the essay to personal experiences that are relevant to readers. The implication is that most readers have attended a sporting event or supported a sports team. (“The irony of people bashing the salaries of professional athletes flabbergasts me. Americans devote their time, their money, and their lives around sports; in all reality, they envy the lavish lifestyle of numerous athletes. America's pastime, baseball, is watched by millions of Americans each year in hopes their admired team performs in the World Series. Sports fans pay thousands or millions of dollars for a signed ball or jersey just so they have bragging rights and a sense of pride in their beloved team. ‘If Americans didn't spend so much time watching and reading about sports, athletes wouldn't be paid as much’ (Source D USA Today). I feel that professional athletes are paid appropriately for what they are worth because they are devoted to working hard, devoted to being idols, and devoted to making their teams popular.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “all in all,” “however,” “on the other hand,” and “personally” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“All in all, athletes are criticized not just by salaries, but from their performance. Athletes undergo abrasive comments enough; however, they still do what they love to do for the fans. Athletes bring popularity into the organization and sales. Ticket prices, merchandise, along with food and beverage sales are factors that go into organizations' revenue. Athletes make sport teams profitable. ‘Maybe critics of athlete salaries should put down their sports pages and pick up an economics book- or any book for that matter’(Source D USA Today). For such idolized people in America, critics need to take into consideration that there are other effects in life to worry about. I respect professional athletes for all they do on the court and off the court. Athletes donate to charities, and actually try to make a difference in the world. Although athletes may make a heart-stopping amount of compensation, money can never overshadow the uttermost pride for their sport.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. The writer restates his/her belief that professional athletes bring unique talents to sports and, therefore, merit the salaries they receive. (“As Americans watch the gifted stars shine at their brightest, we still find the imperfections. Athletes are just regular people who all dreamed of transforming into supreme icons. One could say this embodies the American Dream. Every soul has a chance of becoming immense, but only the strongest will be offered this opportunity. We, the astronomers, gaze at the unique skills these shining stars express, and we admire their devotion to hard work, to being idols, and to the fans. I say that instead of criticizing these amazing athletes, America should start embracing them more because what is America without sports?”)

Language Use & Style

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers will thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. The writer discusses how athletes must possess a powerful work ethic in order to become successful. (“Some of the greatest quotes in history are based off of work ethic. People rise up from the needy ashes and turn themselves into Gods. Any athlete knows that with the amount of painstaking work, the outcome will be titanic. ‘It takes an insane amount of dedication, sacrifice, aversion to pain, tenacity, and determination to get to be the king of the hill’ (Source A Simmons). I myself have been in sports all my life, and I have had to face defeat, pain, and heartbreak. An athlete unquestionably needs mental toughness because athletes cannot live on weakness. I always have to remind myself that I need to attack everything to become a better athlete. So, if professional athletes work all of their lives to become the best at their abilities, then don't they deserve the money they earn?”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Because they work hard, professional athletes are put on pedestals by their fans who have watched them compete over the years. The fans go through every injury and milestone with their idols. ‘These athletes have skills, amazing skills that are incredibly rare’ (Source C Looney). Professional athletes are America's dream. They are symbols of accomplishment and hard work. What is America without sports? Americans are like the audience in a circus, gazing in amazement at the acts being performed by acrobats and dare devils. Millions of children watch these prosperous athletes in hopes of morphing just like their cherished idols. These athletes represent more than just people with extraordinary skills; they are what bring people together in the honorable times and the rotten times.”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Athletes make sport teams profitable. ‘Maybe critics of athlete salaries should put down their sports pages and pick up an economics book- or any book for that matter’(Source D USA Today). For such idolized people in America, critics need to take into consideration that there are other effects in life to worry about. I respect professional athletes for all they do on the court and off the court. Athletes donate to charities, and actually try to make a difference in the world. Although athletes may make a heart-stopping amount of compensation, money can never overshadow the uttermost pride for their sport.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“Athletes make millions of dollars each year because they have the best batting average or the most MVP's won by a basketball player. Rookies receive mouth-dropping amounts of money before even participating in a game; owners can only wait until their new drafts formulate a performance. Critics will also argue that for the work athletes do, other professions should get better compensation. Personally, teachers to me are not paid enough for what they do for children's lives.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Are Professional Athletes Overpaid?

It was a remarkable play and he is one of a million athletes who could have done it, but are professional athletes overpaid? "The reasons are simple. These athletes have skills, amazing skills, skills that are incredibly rare. They do things routinely that we can't do in our dreams," Looney says. Professional sports athletes take physical abuse to their body, have talent that is easily underestimated, and their motivation is driven by high amounts of payroll. Professional athletes are not overpaid because of the high expectations that sports fans have on them.

Professional athletes know that getting into the position they want to play is not an easy task. Thousands of other people are trying to take their spot on the team to earn more money. When thousands of fans pay big bucks to go and watch them play a professional sports player will train harder and play to the best of their ability to please their fans. "If Americans didn't spend so much time watching and reading about sports, athletes wouldn't be paid as much," USA Today says. It is the Americans that truly love their athletes and want them to be paid so much.

Very few select people in the world have the dedication and physical skill required to have what it takes to be a professional athlete. "Conversely, almost all the rest of us have no special skill. Of at the most, we have skills that easily are replicated" Looney says. Professional athletes train everyday and work to refine their skills to be the best that they can. Most people have no idea the pressure athletes are under and the fundamentals to making key plays. Sports athletes are smart and think fast to stay on top or their game. "Latest figures show there are nearly 3 million cashiers in the country, making an average of $11,388," Looney explains. This job requires little to no skill as where a doctor, requiring more skills, makes about $150,000 dollars per year.

Professional sports can be dangerous. Many players are wounded and crippled for the rest of their life. When an athlete shows up to the field they are not there to play around but to work. Is it fair that professional athletes' abuse their body for our pleasure? "The large number of injuries is due in part to the popularity of basketball, but the jumping and competitive aspects of the game cause the most damage," says Antonio Zamora. Not only do sports players hurt themselves and be put out of the game but, can be injured for the rest of their life. Many athletes never heal from their injuries.

On the other side, many athletes love what they do and are just happy to be given the opportunity to play. Many athletes are paid millions of dollars to just ride the bench. Most professional athletes make more in one year than most average citizens make in a life time. "The National Education Association says the average teacher makes $38,611 a year," Looney provides.

Saying that professional athletes are overpaid is like saying movie actors shouldn't be paid for a top selling movie. Athletes few and far between and should be looked up upon and not questioned about the amount of money they take home every year. Sports fans need to stop criticizing great athletes and admire they for the amazing skills professionals have.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of professional athletes and the salaries they receive. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the task.

The writer focuses the readers’ attention by beginning with a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“It was a remarkable play and he is one of a million athletes who could have done it, but are professional athletes overpaid? ‘The reasons are simple. These athletes have skills, amazing skills, skills that are incredibly rare. They do things routinely that we can't do in our dreams,’ Looney says. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. He/she attributes athletes’ salaries to the competitive nature of sports and the demands of the fan base. (“Professional athletes are not overpaid because of the high expectations that sports fans have on them. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer cites specific examples that explain the reasons for high salaries of professional athletes. (“Professional athletes know that getting into the position they want to play is not an easy task. Thousands of other people are trying to take their spot on the team to earn more money. When thousands of fans pay big bucks to go and watch them play a professional sports player will train harder and play to the best of their ability to please their fans. ‘If Americans didn't spend so much time watching and reading about sports, athletes wouldn't be paid as much,’ USA Today says. It is the Americans that truly love their athletes and want them to be paid so much. ”)

Content & Development

The writer includes facts, examples, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. The quotation by Looney validates the writer’s opinion that people with special skills deserve to earn a higher salary. (“Very few select people in the world have the dedication and physical skill required to have what it takes to be a professional athlete. ‘Conversely, almost all the rest of us have no special skill. Of at the most, we have skills that easily are replicated’ Looney says. Professional athletes train everyday and work to refine their skills to be the best that they can. Most people have no idea the pressure athletes are under and the fundamentals to making key plays. Sports athletes are smart and think fast to stay on top or their game. ‘Latest figures show there are nearly 3 million cashiers in the country, making an average of $11,388,’ Looney explains. This job requires little to no skill as where a doctor, requiring more skills, makes about $150,000 dollars per year. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer explains the dangers of professional sports that can impact an athlete for a lifetime. (“Professional sports can be dangerous. Many players are wounded and crippled for the rest of their life. When an athlete shows up to the field they are not there to play around but to work. Is it fair that professional athletes' abuse their body for our pleasure? ‘The large number of injuries is due in part to the popularity of basketball, but the jumping and competitive aspects of the game cause the most damage,’ says Antonio Zamora. Not only do sports players hurt themselves and be put out of the game but, can be injured for the rest of their life. Many athletes never heal from their injuries. ”)

The writer attempts to address the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. He/she needs to strongly refute these opposing arguments. (“On the other side, many athletes love what they do and are just happy to be given the opportunity to play. Many athletes are paid millions of dollars to just ride the bench. Most professional athletes make more in one year than most average citizens make in a life time. ‘The National Education Association says the average teacher makes $38,611 a year,’ Looney provides.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, and they keep the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“It was a remarkable play and he is one of a million athletes who could have done it, but are professional athletes overpaid? ‘The reasons are simple. These athletes have skills, amazing skills, skills that are incredibly rare. They do things routinely that we can't do in our dreams,’ Looney says. Professional sports athletes take physical abuse to their body, have talent that is easily underestimated, and their motivation is driven by high amounts of payroll. Professional athletes are not overpaid because of the high expectations that sports fans have on them. ”)

Transitions between sentences help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer needs to add transitional devices between paragraphs as well. (“Professional sports can be dangerous. Many players are wounded and crippled for the rest of their life. When an athlete shows up to the field they are not there to play around but to work. Is it fair that professional athletes' abuse their body for our pleasure? ‘The large number of injuries is due in part to the popularity of basketball, but the jumping and competitive aspects of the game cause the most damage,’ says Antonio Zamora. Not only do sports players hurt themselves and be put out of the game but, can be injured for the rest of their life. Many athletes never heal from their injuries. ”)

The conclusion summarizes the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Saying that professional athletes are overpaid is like saying movie actors shouldn't be paid for a top selling movie. Athletes few and far between and should be looked up upon and not questioned about the amount of money they take home every year. Sports fans need to stop criticizing great athletes and admire they for the amazing skills professionals have.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Very few select people in the world have the dedication and physical skill required to have what it takes to be a professional athlete. ‘Conversely, almost all the rest of us have no special skill. Of at the most, we have skills that easily are replicated’ Looney says. Professional athletes train everyday and work to refine their skills to be the best that they can. Most people have no idea the pressure athletes are under and the fundamentals to making key plays. Sports athletes are smart and think fast to stay on top or their game. ”)

The language and tone of the essay are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Professional sports can be dangerous. Many players are wounded and crippled for the rest of their life. When an athlete shows up to the field they are not there to play around but to work. Is it fair that professional athletes' abuse their body for our pleasure? ‘The large number of injuries is due in part to the popularity of basketball, but the jumping and competitive aspects of the game cause the most damage,’ says Antonio Zamora. Not only do sports players hurt themselves and be put out of the game but, can be injured for the rest of their life. Many athletes never heal from their injuries. ”)

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Saying that professional athletes are overpaid is like saying movie actors shouldn't be paid for a top selling movie. Athletes few and far between and should be looked up upon and not questioned about the amount of money they take home every year. Sports fans need to stop criticizing great athletes and admire they for the amazing skills professionals have. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“‘The reasons are simple. These athletes have skills, amazing skills, skills that are incredibly rare. They do things routinely that we can't do in our dreams,’ Looney says. Professional sports athletes take physical abuse to their body, have talent that is easily underestimated, and their motivation is driven by high amounts of payroll. Professional athletes are not overpaid because of the high expectations that sports fans have on them. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Editor,

The average basketball player in the National Basketball Association earns about five million dollars annually. I think that professional athletes are paid much more money than they should be. Do you think that they should be paid that much? One important point is they are being paid for playing a game that they love. Equally important is that the sports that are played are not important to society, and people could go without them. They are just for entertainment. Most important is people all over the world work much harder than athletes do and are paid much less.

First, the players are doing something that they love. I see how that is good for them, but is it fair to everyone else? People get up every day and go to work hating life because their job is terrible. These athletes go play a game that they love, and are paid much more. People who are cops, firefighters, and soldiers put their lives on the line to protect people. All that the players do is put their body on the line to protect a ball. Sure they get hurt, but they know the risks, and they choose to play their game because they love it.

Second, the game is not important to society. People could go on without the game and life would be the same. The game is just for entertainment to fans. People who help put criminals behind bars, who save the lives of people every day receive very little credit for what they do. How many cops do you know that are as famous as a star football player? Most likely you know none, and that is not right. Fans love their teams, but could they live without it? Of course they could, and their life would go on just like normal.

Last, people all over the world work so much harder and are paid much less than an athlete. People in third world countries work hard, working their fingers to the bone day in and day out, to provide for their families, but still are not paid enough. There are people who can read and write better than the athletes who are out of a job. The skills that athletes have do not help our world. They just amaze us with the skills that we do not have. Athletes do not even appreciate what they have, and many of them end up going bankrupt anyway. During a lockout of the NBA, players held a fundraiser game to help the players who were having a hard time getting by. Those players still made much more money than normal people, and they could not even live on a normal salary.

Some people would say that since the skills of athletes are much higher than normal people they should be paid for the things that they do. I understand that they do have skills that are hard to find anywhere else besides pro sports. Is one million dollars too little for them to live on? I do not agree with people who think that way.

In conclusion, I think that professional athletes are paid too much money. First, athletes are paid to play a game that they love, while others hate their jobs and are paid much less. Second, the games that they plays do not have affect on society, they do not matter. Last, people work much harder that athletes do and are paid much less. That is why I think that athletes are paid too much money.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an opinion about the high salaries of professional athletes and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue of salaries received by professional athletes. (“I think that professional athletes are paid much more money than they should be.”)

The language of the thesis statement/controlling idea fits the examples well. Explanations in each body paragraph support the writer’s assertion that it is unfair that athletes are paid more than other workers for playing a game. (“One important point is they are being paid for playing a game that they love. Equally important is that the sports that are played are not important to society, and people could go without them. They are just for entertainment. Most important is people all over the world work much harder than athletes do and are paid much less.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she implies that athletes are selfish because they are paid high salaries to have fun. (“First, the players are doing something that they love. I see how that is good for them, but is it fair to everyone else? People get up every day and go to work hating life because their job is terrible. These athletes go play a game that they love, and are paid much more. People who are cops, firefighters, and soldiers put their lives on the line to protect people. All that the players do is put their body on the line to protect a ball. Sure they get hurt, but they know the risks, and they choose to play their game because they love it.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Second, the game is not important to society. People could go on without the game and life would be the same. The game is just for entertainment to fans. People who help put criminals behind bars, who save the lives of people every day receive very little credit for what they do. How many cops do you know that are as famous as a star football player? Most likely you know none, and that is not right. Fans love their teams, but could they live without it? Of course they could, and their life would go on just like normal.”)

The explanations and details used to support the writer's main ideas are adequate. (“Last, people all over the world work so much harder and are paid much less than an athlete. People in third world countries work hard, working their fingers to the bone day in and day out, to provide for their families, but still are not paid enough. There are people who can read and write better than the athletes who are out of a job. The skills that athletes have do not help our world. They just amaze us with the skills that we do not have. Athletes do not even appreciate what they have, and many of them end up going bankrupt anyway. During a lockout of the NBA, players held a fundraiser game to help the players who were having a hard time getting by. Those players still made much more money than normal people, and they could not even live on a normal salary.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people would say that since the skills of athletes are much higher than normal people they should be paid for the things that they do. I understand that they do have skills that are hard to find anywhere else besides pro sports. Is one million dollars too little for them to live on? I do not agree with people who think that way.”)

Organization

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. It also provides a preview of the essay’s main points. (“The average basketball player in the National Basketball Association earns about five million dollars annually. I think that professional athletes are paid much more money than they should be. Do you think that they should be paid that much? One important point is they are being paid for playing a game that they love. Equally important is that the sports that are played are not important to society, and people could go without them. They are just for entertainment. Most important is people all over the world work much harder than athletes do and are paid much less.”)

There is evidence of transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. The writer uses “first,” “second,” and “last” to move from one reason or idea to the next . (“Second, the game is not important to society. People could go on without the game and life would be the same. The game is just for entertainment to fans. People who help put criminals behind bars, who save the lives of people every day receive very little credit for what they do. How many cops do you know that are as famous as a star football player? Most likely you know none, and that is not right. Fans love their teams, but could they live without it? Of course they could, and their life would go on just like normal.”) Additional transitions within paragraphs would help to connect ideas.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, I think that professional athletes are paid too much money. First, athletes are paid to play a game that they love, while others hate their jobs and are paid much less. Second, the games that they plays do not have affect on society, they do not matter. Last, people work much harder that athletes do and are paid much less. That is why I think that athletes are paid too much money.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates adequate voice as he/she presents arguments in the essay. (“First, the players are doing something that they love. I see how that is good for them, but is it fair to everyone else? People get up every day and go to work hating life because their job is terrible. These athletes go play a game that they love, and are paid much more. People who are cops, firefighters, and soldiers put their lives on the line to protect people. All that the players do is put their body on the line to protect a ball. Sure they get hurt, but they know the risks, and they choose to play their game because they love it.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer combines sentences with conjunctions. (“There are people who can read and write better than the athletes who are out of a job. The skills that athletes have do not help our world. They just amaze us with the skills that we do not have. Athletes do not even appreciate what they have, and many of them end up going bankrupt anyway. During a lockout of the NBA, players held a fundraiser game to help the players who were having a hard time getting by. Those players still made much more money than normal people, and they could not even live on a normal salary.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Some people would say that since the skills of athletes are much higher than normal people they should be paid for the things that they do. I understand that they do have skills that are hard to find anywhere else besides pro sports. Is one million dollars too little for them to live on? I do not agree with people who think that way.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Second, the games that they plays do not have affect on society, they do not matter. Last, people work much harder that athletes do and are paid much less.”) The writer should proofread carefully.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Salaries of Professional Athletes

What do you think about professional athlete's salaries? I think that they do deserve high salaries. It's good because they have a special talent. It's also because it's hard work. The athletes have a hard and tiring job. So do you think that it means that they deserve a reward because of their hard work?

Is it good to have a talent? I think it is like professional athletes that they have a talent. It's good to have a talent and share it with everyone. You also get to make a lot of money too. You should be able to make a big salary for the talent that you have and share with everybody.

Do you think a professional athletes' job is hard? An athlete job is hard work everyday nonstop. Playing any kind of sport is hard work. You have to do a lot of hard work that is tiring. After playing any kind of sport you get really tired. When you are finish with practice, and games your body gets sore.

Do you think they should get a reward? If they play a sport that gets them tired they deserve a reward. After having a rough day their bodies get tired. They also play very good and have a talent. They deserve a reward because they share their talent with everybody, and they play really good at which every sport they play. The professional athletes deserve a reward.

What's your point of view your opinion? It's good to share your talent with everyone. Being a professional athlete is hard work. This job is hard and a tiring job too. The athletes deserve a reward because their bodies get all sore of all that work. These are my reasons why I believe that professional athletes deserve a high salary.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states his/her opinion on the argument of professional athletes’ salaries, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and intended audience. (“ What do you think about professional athlete's salaries? I think that they do deserve high salaries. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail relating to the writer’s opinion statement. He/she touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but the essay does not contain enough details for the argument to stand on its own. (“Is it good to have a talent? I think it is like professional athletes that they have a talent. It's good to have a talent and share it with everyone. You also get to make a lot of money too. You should be able to make a big salary for the talent that you have and share with everybody. ”)

The essay reveals a limited understanding of audience. Instead of using persuasive language to convince a newspaper editor of his/her position, the writer asks for the readers’ opinion on the issue. This format weakens the writer’s argument. (“ Do you think a professional athletes' job is hard? An athlete job is hard work everyday nonstop. Playing any kind of sport is hard work. You have to do a lot of hard work that is tiring. After playing any kind of sport you get really tired. When you are finish with practice, and games your body gets sore. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details that argue for or against high salaries of professional athletes. The writer does attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

At least three topic sentences are needed to elaborate on the main argument of the essay. The writer’s paragraph about rewards simply repeats the arguments from other paragraphs. (“Do you think they should get a reward? If they play a sport that gets them tired they deserve a reward. After having a rough day their bodies get tired. They also play very good and have a talent. They deserve a reward because they share their talent with everybody, and they play really good at which every sport they play. The professional athletes deserve a reward.”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer states that professional athletes have talent, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue of appropriate salaries. (“ Is it good to have a talent? I think it is like professional athletes that they have a talent. It's good to have a talent and share it with everyone. You also get to make a lot of money too. You should be able to make a big salary for the talent that you have and share with everybody. ”)

The writer is limited in responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. He/she asks for the readers’ opinions but does not address opposing points of view. (“What's your point of view your opinion? It's good to share your talent with everyone. Being a professional athlete is hard work. This job is hard and a tiring job too. The athletes deserve a reward because their bodies get all sore of all that work. These are my reasons why I believe that professional athletes deserve a high salary.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by asking a question. The writer also introduces his/her main ideas in support of athletes’ high salaries. (“ What do you think about professional athlete's salaries? I think that they do deserve high salaries. It's good because they have a special talent. It's also because it's hard work. The athletes have a hard and tiring job. So do you think that it means that they deserve a reward because of their hard work? ”)

The writer uses some transitional devices to make connections between ideas. (“Do you think a professional athletes' job is hard? An athlete job is hard work everyday nonstop. Playing any kind of sport is hard work. You have to do a lot of hard work that is tiring. After playing any kind of sport you get really tired. When you are finish with practice, and games your body gets sore. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a summation of restated arguments, but it needs persuasive language to convince readers to agree. (“What's your point of view your opinion? It's good to share your talent with everyone. Being a professional athlete is hard work. This job is hard and a tiring job too. The athletes deserve a reward because their bodies get all sore of all that work. These are my reasons why I believe that professional athletes deserve a high salary. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs many short sentences throughout the essay that interrupt the flow of ideas. Also, sentence structures are repetitive. (“Is it good to have a talent? I think it is like professional athletes that they have a talent. It's good to have a talent and share it with everyone. You also get to make a lot of money too. You should be able to make a big salary for the talent that you have and share with everybody. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive. (“Do you think a professional athletes' job is hard? An athlete job is hard work everyday nonstop. Playing any kind of sport is hard work. You have to do a lot of hard work that is tiring. After playing any kind of sport you get really tired. When you are finish with practice, and games your body gets sore. ”)

The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“Do you think they should get a reward? If they play a sport that gets them tired they deserve a reward. After having a rough day their bodies get tired. They also play very good and have a talent. They deserve a reward because they share their talent with everybody, and they play really good at which every sport they play. The professional athletes deserve a reward.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each word is spelled correctly. (“Do you think a professional athletes' job is hard? An athlete job is hard work everyday nonstop.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do you think athlets earn the salaries they earn right now? I think they don't. Well, they kinda do but sometimes i think they don't. I know that althlets have to train hard to be good. Also, to get paid extra. Practicing is hard worj for them, sometimes they practice even when it is reallt hot or cold outside maby, even if it is raining. You might think it's easy but it's actually hard.

Do you know that professional athletes have to leave there familes when they go play in other states. They would probally miss there family really much. They probally sometimes cry, thats how much they miss there families. If they have childrens, the children probally nevered seen there dad alot. Or the child might get like some award but there dad missed it. I know that professionals get hurt alot. Some athletes might even get hurt and they might not even play ever again. Theres alot of dangerous sport liek football. You can get seriously injured, if you have the ball they might tackle you and you might break your bones or something.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer makes a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument supporting or opposing high salaries for professional athletes . The essay reveals a minimal understanding of purpose and audience. Consequently, it c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ Do you think athlets earn the salaries they earn right now? I think they don't. Well, they kinda do but sometimes i think they don't. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ They would probally miss there family really much. They probally sometimes cry, thats how much they miss there families. If they have childrens, the children probally nevered seen there dad alot. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support his/her thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ I know that althlets have to train hard to be good. Also, to get paid extra. Practicing is hard worj for them, sometimes they practice even when it is reallt hot or cold outside maby, even if it is raining. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of salaries for professional athletes. He/she lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details would result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position. The writer states that professional athletes often suffer injuries, but he/she fails to elaborate on how that fact should affect athletes’ salaries. (“ I know that professionals get hurt alot. Some athletes might even get hurt and they might not even play ever again. Theres alot of dangerous sport liek football. You can get seriously injured, if you have the ball they might tackle you and you might break your bones or something. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt is minimal, it does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Do you know that professional athletes have to leave there familes when they go play in other states. They would probally miss there family really much. They probally sometimes cry, thats how much they miss there families. If they have childrens, the children probally nevered seen there dad alot. Or the child might get like some award but there dad missed it. I know that professionals get hurt alot. Some athletes might even get hurt and they might not even play ever again. Theres alot of dangerous sport liek football. You can get seriously injured, if you have the ball they might tackle you and you might break your bones or something. ”)

There are minimal details that explain or illustrate the writer’s point of view. (“ I know that althlets have to train hard to be good. Also, to get paid extra. Practicing is hard worj for them, sometimes they practice even when it is reallt hot or cold outside maby, even if it is raining. You might think it's easy but it's actually hard. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Do you think athlets earn the salaries they earn right now? I think they don't. Well, they kinda do but sometimes i think they don't. ”)

The essay does not include supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the argument effectively. Also, there are few transitions between paragraphs or sentences. (“ Do you know that professional athletes have to leave there familes when they go play in other states. They would probally miss there family really much. They probally sometimes cry, thats how much they miss there families. If they have childrens, the children probally nevered seen there dad alot. Or the child might get like some award but there dad missed it. I know that professionals get hurt alot. Some athletes might even get hurt and they might not even play ever again. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the position of the writer; the essay ends abruptly without presenting a clear opinion for or against high salaries for athletes. (“ Theres alot of dangerous sport liek football. You can get seriously injured, if you have the ball they might tackle you and you might break your bones or something. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences. (“Practicing is hard worj for them, sometimes they practice even when it is reallt hot or cold outside maby, even if it is raining. ”)

The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively. (“I know that professionals get hurt alot. Some athletes might even get hurt and they might not even play ever again. Theres alot of dangerous sport liek football. You can get seriously injured, if you have the ball they might tackle you and you might break your bones or something.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ They probally sometimes cry, thats how much they miss there families. If they have childrens, the children probally nevered seen there dad alot. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that they should get a large amount of money but ot at the extent of some players it just is much. I watch a lot of different sposts from american football to real foot ball. To curling to rugby to lacross. The people that get payed the most are the real football players. Like messi or deigo forland or chritonio renoldo. They get payed loads of cash for the games that they play. but american football player rack in a load to. So I think that they should not get payed so much I mean like 97% of them play because they play to have fun or gain the fame that every little kid that plays a sport dreams about.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer makes almost no effort to state an opinion or persuade readers in any way. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. Although the writer states his/her opinion toward the end, the opening statement is confusing. (“ I think that they should get a large amount of money but ot at the extent of some players it just is much. ”)

The writer fails to address the arguments mentioned in the prompt. The essay focuses on sports and players that earn the most money instead of arguing whether or not they deserve it. (“ The people that get payed the most are the real football players. Like messi or deigo forland or chritonio renoldo. They get payed loads of cash for the games that they play. but american football player rack in a load to. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by using appropriate language. The writer should be addressing the editor of a local newspaper. (“ I watch a lot of different sposts from american football to real foot ball. To curling to rugby to lacross. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides inadequate content and development. He/she makes little attempt to use details for support. He/she does not consider the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

Since this one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no body paragraphs present. (“I think that they should get a large amount of money but ot at the extent of some players it just is much. I watch a lot of different sposts from american football to real foot ball. To curling to rugby to lacross. The people that get payed the most are the real football players. Like messi or deigo forland or chritonio renoldo. They get payed loads of cash for the games that they play. but american football player rack in a load to. So I think that they should not get payed so much I mean like 97% of them play because they play to have fun or gain the fame that every little kid that plays a sport dreams about. ”) Additionally, the essay does not include at least three main ideas for support.

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“So I think that they should not get payed so much I mean like 97% of them play because they play to have fun or gain the fame that every little kid that plays a sport dreams about. ”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples for support. The writer makes general statements about athletes who make the highest salaries. (“The people that get payed the most are the real football players. Like messi or deigo forland or chritonio renoldo. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think that they should get a large amount of money but ot at the extent of some players it just is much. ”)

The writer does not use transitions to create connections between his/her ideas. (“ I watch a lot of different sposts from american football to real foot ball. To curling to rugby to lacross. The people that get payed the most are the real football players. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about. (“So I think that they should not get payed so much I mean like 97% of them play because they play to have fun or gain the fame that every little kid that plays a sport dreams about.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured and include fragments. (“To curling to rugby to lacross. The people that get payed the most are the real football players. Like messi or deigo forland or chritonio renoldo. ”)

The writer’s style is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language to persuade the readers to agree that athletes are overpaid, his/her voice is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“They get payed loads of cash for the games that they play. but american football player rack in a load to. So I think that they should not get payed so much I mean like 97% of them play because they play to have fun or gain the fame that every little kid that plays a sport dreams about. ”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“Like messi or deigo forland or chritonio renoldo. They get payed loads of cash for the games that they play. but american football player rack in a load to. ”) The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words for effectively describing the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ To curling to rugby to lacross. The people that get payed the most are the real football players. Like messi or deigo forland or chritonio renoldo. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

School Rules: Eating in the Classroom

Your school has a rule against eating in the classroom. What is your point of view on the subject? Write an essay in which you defend your answer.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Picture this unpleasant scenario: a noisy, loud classroom with kids eating and hauling food everywhere while the teacher tries hopelessly to teach a lesson. Mouths are furiously chomping and food is left sitting on the floor after the bell rings. Is eating in the classroom a wise decision? I firmly think not. Distraction, mess, and noise are three strong reasons why eating in the classroom should not be allowed.

Simply put, eating is a distraction. It would be very difficult for a teacher to teach a lesson with mouths chewing vigorously. If the teacher cannot teach a lesson, then it is hard for students to get a proper education. Also, for the kids who chose not to eat during class, the students who are eating would distract them and keep them from doing their work. The students who are eating would not pay attention and not be properly educated. This would not be a good working environment for students.

I firmly believe that if students eat food inside the classroom, they will leave behind their gross mess and putrid garbage. The mess would get all over the floors and the smell would most likely not be very appealing to the nose. The janitors and custodial staff would also not be too keen on cleaning up the extra mess off the floors. Additionally, the food on the floor could attract pesky and unwanted insects such as ants, cockroaches, and even fruit flies. Would you want to live in this grotesque environment that is supposed to be used for learning? I would not.

Finally, eating food is noisy. The loud chewing of people's food is a disruption to the class as well as inconsiderate. Again, students would have a hard time getting their work done with noise distracting them. No one being able to concentrate is very alarming. Students should come to school with the idea that a calm, quiet learning environment will be present and provided. Not only is chewing noisy, but the act of unwrapping food and opening up plastic bags could be very loud and distracting. Another reason might be that if students eat candy and glucose rich food products, they could become very hyper. Hyper students would not be able to focus and fully concentrate on the teacher's lesson. Those students would unfortunately miss out on a proper education.

I can understand why some people think it is a good idea to have food in class. For some people, eating food in the classroom is a necessity. For example, people with diabetes or other illnesses need food to regulate their blood sugar. Illnesses aside, most people just want to eat in class because they are bored and it is something to do. They feel that if they are eating in class, then they do not need to pay attention to the teacher. Food can distract them from reality. A single individual eating might not be so bad, but if the entire class were eating the classroom would erupt into a feeding frenzy. The only good thing that can come out of eating in class is the nutritive purposes of food in my personal opinion. Otherwise, eating in class is a very bad idea.

Now imagine this lovely circumstance: a quiet classroom, with eager minds willing to learn as the students intently watch their teacher and carefully listen to whatever he or she is saying. There is absolutely no food, not even a crumb. Is this a good learning environment for students of all ages? I think yes. An ancient Chinese proverb says that learning is like rowing upstream: not to advance is to drop back. In order to advance in school properly, food must not be present during class. Therefore, distraction and disruption, untidiness, and noise level are three very important reasons why eating in the classroom should definitely not be permitted.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion that effectively persuades the readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with a thesis statement. (“Picture this unpleasant scenario: a noisy, loud classroom with kids eating and hauling food everywhere while the teacher tries hopelessly to teach a lesson. Mouths are furiously chomping and food is left sitting on the floor after the bell rings. Is eating in the classroom a wise decision? I firmly think not. Distraction, mess, and noise are three strong reasons why eating in the classroom should not be allowed.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I firmly believe that if students eat food inside the classroom, they will leave behind their gross mess and putrid garbage. The mess would get all over the floors and the smell would most likely not be very appealing to the nose. The janitors and custodial staff would also not be too keen on cleaning up the extra mess off the floors. Additionally, the food on the floor could attract pesky and unwanted insects such as ants, cockroaches, and even fruit flies. Would you want to live in this grotesque environment that is supposed to be used for learning? I would not.”)

The essay is effectively focused on the thesis statement/controlling idea and includes supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion. (“Food can distract them from reality. A single individual eating might not be so bad, but if the entire class were eating the classroom would erupt into a feeding frenzy. The only good thing that can come out of eating in class is the nutritive purposes of food in my personal opinion. Otherwise, eating in class is a very bad idea. Now imagine this lovely circumstance: a quiet classroom, with eager minds willing to learn as the students intently watch their teacher and carefully listen to whatever he or she is saying. There is absolutely no food, not even a crumb. Is this a good learning environment for students of all ages? I think yes. An ancient Chinese proverb says that learning is like rowing upstream: not to advance is to drop back. In order to advance in school properly, food must not be present during class. Therefore, distraction and disruption, untidiness, and noise level are three very important reasons why eating in the classroom should definitely not be permitted.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing a wide variety of relevant details to support the stated position. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“I can understand why some people think it is a good idea to have food in class. For some people, eating food in the classroom is a necessity. For example, people with diabetes or other illnesses need food to regulate their blood sugar. Illnesses aside, most people just want to eat in class because they are bored and it is something to do. They feel that if they are eating in class, then they do not need to pay attention to the teacher. Food can distract them from reality. A single individual eating might not be so bad, but if the entire class were eating the classroom would erupt into a feeding frenzy. The only good thing that can come out of eating in class is the nutritive purposes of food in my personal opinion. Otherwise, eating in class is a very bad idea.”)

The writer uses a variety of examples to illustrate his/her point of view. (“The loud chewing of people's food is a disruption to the class as well as inconsiderate. Again, students would have a hard time getting their work done with noise distracting them. No one being able to concentrate is very alarming. Students should come to school with the idea that a calm, quiet learning environment will be present and provided. Not only is chewing noisy, but the act of unwrapping food and opening up plastic bags could be very loud and distracting. Another reason might be that if students eat candy and glucose rich food products, they could become very hyper. Hyper students would not be able to focus and fully concentrate on the teacher's lesson. Those students would unfortunately miss out on a proper education.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive. The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine different scenarios and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate. (“I firmly believe that if students eat food inside the classroom, they will leave behind their gross mess and putrid garbage. The mess would get all over the floors and the smell would most likely not be very appealing to the nose. The janitors and custodial staff would also not be too keen on cleaning up the extra mess off the floors. Additionally, the food on the floor could attract pesky and unwanted insects such as ants, cockroaches, and even fruit flies. Would you want to live in this grotesque environment that is supposed to be used for learning? I would not.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention. (“Picture this unpleasant scenario: a noisy, loud classroom with kids eating and hauling food everywhere while the teacher tries hopelessly to teach a lesson. Mouths are furiously chomping and food is left sitting on the floor after the bell rings. Is eating in the classroom a wise decision? I firmly think not. Distraction, mess, and noise are three strong reasons why eating in the classroom should not be allowed.”)

The writer uses transitions to move from one idea to the next. Transition words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Finally, eating food is noisy. The loud chewing of people's food is a disruption to the class as well as inconsiderate. Again, students would have a hard time getting their work done with noise distracting them. No one being able to concentrate is very alarming. Students should come to school with the idea that a calm, quiet learning environment will be present and provided. Not only is chewing noisy, but the act of unwrapping food and opening up plastic bags could be very loud and distracting.”)

The conclusion summarizes the writer's main points and uses an ancient Chinese proverb to bring the essay to a close. (“Now imagine this lovely circumstance: a quiet classroom, with eager minds willing to learn as the students intently watch their teacher and carefully listen to whatever he or she is saying. There is absolutely no food, not even a crumb. Is this a good learning environment for students of all ages? I think yes. An ancient Chinese proverb says that learning is like rowing upstream: not to advance is to drop back. In order to advance in school properly, food must not be present during class. Therefore, distraction and disruption, untidiness, and noise level are three very important reasons why eating in the classroom should definitely not be permitted.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses vivid language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I firmly believe that if students eat food inside the classroom, they will leave behind their gross mess and putrid garbage. The mess would get all over the floors and the smell would most likely not be very appealing to the nose. The janitors and custodial staff would also not be too keen on cleaning up the extra mess off the floors. Additionally, the food on the floor could attract pesky and unwanted insects such as ants, cockroaches, and even fruit flies. Would you want to live in this grotesque environment that is supposed to be used for learning? I would not.”)

The writer uses varied sentences such as sentences with exclamations or questions, as well as sentences combined with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Students should come to school with the idea that a calm, quiet learning environment will be present and provided. Not only is chewing noisy, but the act of unwrapping food and opening up plastic bags could be very loud and distracting. Another reason might be that if students eat candy and glucose rich food products, they could become very hyper. Hyper students would not be able to focus and fully concentrate on the teacher's lesson. Those students would unfortunately miss out on a proper education.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that the readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Simply put, eating is a distraction. It would be very difficult for a teacher to teach a lesson with mouths chewing vigorously. If the teacher cannot teach a lesson, then it is hard for students to get a proper education. Also, for the kids who chose not to eat during class, the students who are eating would distract them and keep them from doing their work. The students who are eating would not pay attention and not be properly educated. This would not be a good working environment for students.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“Illnesses aside, most people just want to eat in class because they are bored and it is something to do. They feel that if they are eating in class, then they do not need to pay attention to the teacher. Food can distract them from reality. A single individual eating might not be so bad, but if the entire class were eating the classroom would erupt into a feeding frenzy.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

There are often many people who do not agree with certain rules, but nonetheless, the rules need to be enforced. At my school, there is a rule that no eating in the classroom is permitted. I believe that eating in the classroom should not be allowed. Eating in the classroom can cause damage to school property. Clean up would be a drain on the school staff. The school could get infested with bugs and rodents. All these problems would put a costly toll on the school and its reputation.

Eating in the class can affect the environment of the room and can cause damage to the school property. The classroom floor could get stained from students accidentally dropping their food or drinks. Other than staining the carpet, foods or liquids can permanently ruin the carpet or even worse, mold. The health hazards of mold can be devastating and the clean up efforts to wipe out any signs of mold would be unreasonable given the whole situation can be avoided by having students only eat at designated times in the cafeteria.

Eating during class makes the staff work twice as hard to maintain the school's property. The school will have to pay extra for cleaning supplies and the extra work everyone is doing to keep it clean. The janitors would be adding a lot of over time. They may ask for more pay and argue about the inconvenience of the longer working hours. The cost to the school and taxpayers would not justify the wants of a selected few to be permitted to eat in the classroom.

Although some people feel that eating in the classroom should be permitted to give the student more energy and increased focus, the fact remains, that eating in the classroom can attract unwanted visitors. For example ants, roaches, mice, rats etc. can be attracted to the food accidentally dropped. Having rodents in the class can leave behind droppings and urine that could cause a foul odor and rodents may be infected and could start a disease. These diseases would all cause a health and sanitation issue. All could lead to the shutdown of the school if not taken care of. Needless to say, it is still costly to exterminate. The toxic fumes can cause injury too.

If the principal permitted eating in the classroom, the overall reputation of the school would be ruined because cleanliness is at jeopardy. Eating in the classroom can cause a lot of damage to the school. The school would have to pay the staff extra money for all the extra work they are doing to keep the school clean. Dropping food can cause the infestation of insects and rodents. This is why I would not like to allow eating in the classroom.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue in order to persuade his/her readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of purpose and intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a bold statement. (“There are often many people who do not agree with certain rules, but nonetheless, the rules need to be enforced. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I believe that eating in the classroom should not be allowed. Eating in the classroom can cause damage to school property. Clean up would be a drain on the school staff. The school could get infested with bugs and rodents. All these problems would put a costly toll on the school and its reputation.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Eating in the class can affect the environment of the room and can cause damage to the school property. The classroom floor could get stained from students accidentally dropping their food or drinks. Other than staining the carpet, foods or liquids can permanently ruin the carpet or even worse, mold. The health hazards of mold can be devastating and the clean up efforts to wipe out any signs of mold would be unreasonable given the whole situation can be avoided by having students only eat at designated times in the cafeteria.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the response. The essay includes fairly developed arguments using sufficient, relevant details to support the stated position. The writer clearly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Although some people feel that eating in the classroom should be permitted to give the student more energy and increased focus, the fact remains, that eating in the classroom can attract unwanted visitors. For example ants, roaches, mice, rats etc. can be attracted to the food accidentally dropped. Having rodents in the class can leave behind droppings and urine that could cause a foul odor and rodents may be infected and could start a disease. These diseases would all cause a health and sanitation issue. All could lead to the shutdown of the school if not taken care of. Needless to say, it is still costly to exterminate. The toxic fumes can cause injury too.”)

Many of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Eating in the class can affect the environment of the room and can cause damage to the school property. The classroom floor could get stained from students accidentally dropping their food or drinks. Other than staining the carpet, foods or liquids can permanently ruin the carpet or even worse, mold. The health hazards of mold can be devastating and the clean up efforts to wipe out any signs of mold would be unreasonable given the whole situation can be avoided by having students only eat at designated times in the cafeteria.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Eating during class makes the staff work twice as hard to maintain the school's property. The school will have to pay extra for cleaning supplies and the extra work everyone is doing to keep it clean. The janitors would be adding a lot of over time. They may ask for more pay and argue about the inconvenience of the longer working hours. The cost to the school and taxpayers would not justify the wants of a selected few to be permitted to eat in the classroom.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“There are often many people who do not agree with certain rules, but nonetheless the rules need to be enforced. At my school, there is a rule that no eating in the classroom is permitted. I believe that eating in the classroom should not be allowed. Eating in the classroom can cause damage to school property. Clean up would be a drain on the school staff. The school could get infested with bugs and rodents. All these problems would put a costly toll on the school and its reputation.”)

Subtle transition words and phrases show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Eating in the class can affect the environment of the room and can cause damage to the school property. The classroom floor could get stained from students accidentally dropping their food or drinks. Other than staining the carpet, foods or liquids can permanently ruin the carpet or even worse, mold. The health hazards of mold can be devastating and the clean up efforts to wipe out any signs of mold would be unreasonable given the whole situation can be avoided by having students only eat at designated times in the cafeteria.”)

The writer’s conclusion summarizes his/her main points well and gives the readers a sense of closure. (“If the principal permitted eating in the classroom, the overall reputation of the school would be ruined because cleanliness is at jeopardy. Eating in the classroom can cause a lot of damage to the school. The school would have to pay the staff extra money for all the extra work they are doing to keep the school clean. Dropping food can cause the infestation of insects and rodents. This is why I would not like to allow eating in the classroom.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Eating in the class can affect the environment of the room and can cause damage to the school property. The classroom floor could get stained from students accidentally dropping their food or drinks. Other than staining the carpet, foods or liquids can permanently ruin the carpet or even worse, mold. The health hazards of mold can be devastating and the clean up efforts to wipe out any signs of mold would be unreasonable given the whole situation can be avoided by having students only eat at designated times in the cafeteria.”)

The writer has some complex sentence structures in the essay. (“Although some people feel that eating in the classroom should be permitted to give the student more energy and increased focus, the fact remains, that eating in the classroom can attract unwanted visitors. For example ants, roaches, mice, rats etc. can be attracted to the food accidentally dropped. Having rodents in the class can leave behind droppings and urine that could cause a foul odor and rodents may be infected and could start a disease. These diseases would all cause a health and sanitation issue. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“All could lead to the shutdown of the school if not taken care of. Needless to say, it is still costly to exterminate. The toxic fumes can cause injury too. If the principal permitted eating in the classroom, the overall reputation of the school would be ruined because cleanliness is at jeopardy. Eating in the classroom can cause a lot of damage to the school. The school would have to pay the staff extra money for all the extra work they are doing to keep the school clean.”) Coherent style and tone ensure that the readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ If the principal permitted eating in the classroom, the overall reputation of the school would be ruined because cleanliness is at jeopardy. Eating in the classroom can cause a lot of damage to the school. The school would have to pay the staff extra money for all the extra work they are doing to keep the school clean. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever thought of students eating in the classroom? I have thought about it and I think students should not be allowed to eat in class. If the students ate in class they would waste time, also the classroom would be messy and worst of all the students that were eating would disturb others! So please hear my appeal.

To begin with, students should not eat in class because they would be wasting time. If the students ate in class, they would lose the interest in their studies. Also, they would have to clean up after they ate. If the students ate in class, they would get backed up in the activities they were supposed to do.

Furthermore, if students ate in the class the room would be messy. The engineer would enter a complaint, because of the mess in the classroom. Also, accidents would happen because of the mess. In addition, if the class had visitors and the classroom was dirty, the class would make the school have a bad reputation. Therefore, this is another reason why students should not eat in class.

The best reason is that when a student eats in class, that student would disturb others. If students were disturbed, they would not pay attention. On the other hand, some students might say they would concentrate more, but I say they won't because of the noise they make when they eat. Also, they would not finish their work. Worst of all, chaos would start in the classroom because of the disturbance of one student.

In conclusion, please don't allow pupils to eat in the classroom. If they did eat in the classroom they would waste time, also they would get the classroom messy and worst of all they would disturb others. So please take action, and don't allow students to eat in the class!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the task. The writer establishes an opinion and adequately attempts to persuade the readers . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of purpose and intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Have you ever thought of students eating in the classroom? I have thought about it and I think students should not be allowed to eat in class. If the students ate in class they would waste time, also the classroom would be messy and worst of all the students that were eating would disturb others! So please hear my appeal.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Furthermore, if students ate in the class the room would be messy. The engineer would enter a complaint, because of the mess in the classroom. Also, accidents would happen because of the mess. In addition, if the class had visitors and the classroom was dirty, the class would make the school have a bad reputation. Therefore, this is another reason why students should not eat in class.”)

The language of the thesis statement fits the examples well. (“The best reason is that when a student eats in class, that student would disturb others. If students were disturbed, they would not pay attention. On the other hand, some students might say they would concentrate more, but I say they won't because of the noise they make when they eat. Also, they would not finish their work. Worst of all, chaos would start in the classroom because of the disturbance of one student.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details for support; however, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are relevant to the argument presented. (“Furthermore, if students ate in the class the room would be messy. The engineer would enter a complaint, because of the mess in the classroom. Also, accidents would happen because of the mess. In addition, if the class had visitors and the classroom was dirty, the class would make the school have a bad reputation. Therefore, this is another reason why students should not eat in class.”)

More analysis and details are needed to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“To begin with, students should not eat in class because they would be wasting time. If the students ate in class, they would lose the interest in their studies. Also, they would have to clean up after they ate. If the students ate in class, they would get backed up in the activities they were supposed to do.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by briefly responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and, in this case, the writer could devote more content to the portion earmarked for opposing viewpoints. The writer could integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“On the other hand, some students might say they would concentrate more, but I say they won't because of the noise they make when they eat. Also, they would not finish their work. Worst of all, chaos would start in the classroom because of the disturbance of one student.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. The use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates an adequate message for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Have you ever thought of students eating in the classroom? I have thought about it and I think students should not be allowed to eat in class. If the students ate in class they would waste time, also the classroom would be messy and worst of all the students that were eating would disturb others! So please hear my appeal.”)

The writer uses transitions to move from one idea to the next. (“Furthermore, if students ate in the class the room would be messy. The engineer would enter a complaint, because of the mess in the classroom. Also, accidents would happen because of the mess. In addition, if the class had visitors and the classroom was dirty, the class would make the school have a bad reputation. Therefore, this is another reason why students should not eat in class.”) Transitions help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion gives the readers a sense of closure. (“In conclusion, please don't allow pupils to eat in the classroom. If they did eat in the classroom they would waste time, also they would get the classroom messy and worst of all they would disturb others. So please take action, and don't allow students to eat in the class!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choice, as well as an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“I have thought about it and I think students should not be allowed to eat in class. If the students ate in class they would waste time, also the classroom would be messy and worst of all the students that were eating would disturb others!”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“The best reason is that when a student eats in class, that student would disturb others. If students were disturbed, they would not pay attention. On the other hand, some students might say they would concentrate more, but I say they won't because of the noise they make when they eat. Also, they would not finish their work. Worst of all, chaos would start in the classroom because of the disturbance of one student.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in his/her presentation of arguments. (“To begin with, students should not eat in class because they would be wasting time. If the students ate in class, they would lose the interest in their studies. Also, they would have to clean up after they ate. If the students ate in class, they would get backed up in the activities they were supposed to do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . The essay contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with communication of the writer's message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most words are spelled correctly. (“ Furthermore, if students ate in the class the room would be messy. The engineer would enter a complaint, because of the mess in the classroom. Also, accidents would happen because of the mess. In addition, if the class had visitors and the classroom was dirty, the class would make the school have a bad reputation.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

EATING IN CLASS

It is my belief that eating in class should not be allowed, unless you have a pass or permission from a teacher.

Along with eating in class people have trouble focusing and paying attention. For 1 if someone has allergies they will be sneezing constantly and that will disrupt the class. How can you eat and write? You can't. Or at least not without getting your paper dirty. And when your teacher asks for homework/class work, that's exactly what she wants not what you ate in class.

As might be expected it's messy. First of all wrappers are everywhere and the room is filthy and becomes a non-learing environment. And when something looks horrible that's how people will treat it. Also, it leaves crumbs witch attracts bugs! Then we have, as I said food on your supplies. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to touch a sticky pencil!

Getting back to bugs its very distracting to see a bug run across the table! Or to have a fly buzz around you're head a million times! Also you don't want to see piles of ants on the floor.

As I have noted I think we should not be able to eat in class. Whether you agree or disagree, thank -you for listening to my opinion. I hope you now see my point of view.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion but is unclear or underdeveloped in his/her attempts to provide supporting ideas. Consequently, the writer only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited thesis statement with some understanding of purpose and intended audience. (“It is my belief that eating in class should not be allowed, unless you have a pass or permission from a teacher.”)

There is a limited amount of detail in the essay that relates to the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but he/she does not go into enough detail to allow the argument to stand on its own. (“Along with eating in class people have trouble focusing and paying attention. For 1 if someone has allergies they will be sneezing constantly and that will disrupt the class. How can you eat and write? You can't. Or at least not without getting your paper dirty. And when your teacher asks for homework/class work, that's exactly what she wants not what you ate in class. As might be expected it's messy. First of all wrappers are everywhere and the room is filthy and becomes a non-learing environment. And when something looks horrible that's how people will treat it. Also, it leaves crumbs witch attracts bugs! Then we have, as I said food on your supplies. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to touch a sticky pencil!”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in his/her use of persuasive language. (“Getting back to bugs its very distracting to see a bug run across the table! Or to have a fly buzz around you're head a million times! Also you don't want to see piles of ants on the floor. As I have noted I think we should not be able to eat in class. Whether you agree or disagree, thank -you for listening to my opinion. I hope you now see my point of view.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support. The writer does attempt to address the readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The writer does not adequately address the readers’ concerns or respond to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“As might be expected it's messy. First of all wrappers are everywhere and the room is filthy and becomes a non-learing environment. And when something looks horrible that's how people will treat it. Also, it leaves crumbs witch attracts bugs! Then we have, as I said food on your supplies. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to touch a sticky pencil!”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Along with eating in class people have trouble focusing and paying attention. For 1 if someone has allergies they will be sneezing constantly and that will disrupt the class. ”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for not allowing food in the classroom, it does not effectively support his/her argument .

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Such details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for banning eating in the classroom, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position. (“Getting back to bugs its very distracting to see a bug run across the table! Or to have a fly buzz around you're head a million times! Also you don't want to see piles of ants on the floor.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure, but the introduction and conclusion are unclear, and the use of paragraphing is limited. The essay also lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by clearly asserting what he/she believes about the issue. (“It is my belief that eating in class should not be allowed, unless you have a pass or permission from a teacher.”)

The essay includes limited transitions. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions. (“Getting back to bugs its very distracting to see a bug run across the table! Or to have a fly buzz around you're head a million times! Also you don't want to see piles of ants on the floor.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way but does not summarize the writer's arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell the readers what to do next. (“As I have noted I think we should not be able to eat in class. Whether you agree or disagree, thank -you for listening to my opinion. I hope you now see my point of view.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice, but, he/she relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“It is my belief that eating in class should not be allowed, unless you have a pass or permission from a teacher.”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Getting back to bugs its very distracting to see a bug run across the table! Or to have a fly buzz around you're head a million times! Also you don't want to see piles of ants on the floor.”)

Sentences are not well structured; many sentences are short, choppy, or fragmented. (“How can you eat and write? You can't. Or at least not without getting your paper dirty. And when your teacher asks for homework/class work, that's exactly what she wants not what you ate in class.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with communication of the writer's message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ First of all wrappers are everywhere and the room is filthy and becomes a non-learing environment. And when something looks horrible that's how people will treat it. Also, it leaves crumbs witch attracts bugs! ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I absolutely think we should have food in class because it keeps you occupied. Pulse when you are eating, your hands stay out of trouble, you wont get hungry and you might be able to keep focused because some people like to play with there food but not me.

But there are some reasons you should not eat in class like if you drop food bugs or mice can get in your school and there would be a meagerly big mess, and most of all if you eat too much you might have to use the bathroom. Some kids need to eat food every hour so they wont get a stomach ache or even sometimes you have to vitamins in fruit or vegetables. Other people might need to eat food alot so they can keep their blood/sugar up or down. So that is why we should/should not have food in class.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer attempts to state a position on the issue but demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. As a result, few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ I absolutely think we should have food in class because it keeps you occupied…. But there are some reasons you should not eat in class like if you drop food bugs or mice can get in your school and there would be a meagerly big mess, and most of all if you eat too much you might have to use the bathroom. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience through its use of informal, repetitive language. (“ Some kids need to eat food every hour so they wont get a stomach ache or even sometimes you have to vitamins in fruit or vegetables. Other people might need to eat food alot so they can keep their blood/sugar up or down. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“I absolutely think we should have food in class because it keeps you occupied. Pulse when you are eating, your hands stay out of trouble, you wont get hungry and you might be able to keep focused because some people like to play with there food but not me.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific content and development to argue the stated position. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, providing few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“Pulse when you are eating, your hands stay out of trouble, you wont get hungry and you might be able to keep focused because some people like to play with there food but not me.”)

Because the writer’s response to the task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ But there are some reasons you should not eat in class like if you drop food bugs or mice can get in your school and there would be a meagerly big mess, and most of all if you eat too much you might have to use the bathroom. Some kids need to eat food every hour so they wont get a stomach ache or even sometimes you have to vitamins in fruit or vegetables. ”)

Details explaining or illustrating the writer’s point of view are minimal. (“Other people might need to eat food alot so they can keep their blood/sugar up or down. So that is why we should/should not have food in class.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay has an ineffective introduction. (“ I absolutely think we should have food in class because it keeps you occupied. ”)

The essay does not include supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ But there are some reasons you should not eat in class like if you drop food bugs or mice can get in your school and there would be a meagerly big mess, and most of all if you eat too much you might have to use the bathroom. Some kids need to eat food every hour so they wont get a stomach ache or even sometimes you have to vitamins in fruit or vegetables. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave the readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“Other people might need to eat food alot so they can keep their blood/sugar up or down. So that is why we should/should not have food in class.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“I absolutely think we should have food in class because it keeps you occupied. Pulse when you are eating, your hands stay out of trouble, you wont get hungry and you might be able to keep focused because some people like to play with there food but not me.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that give the essay a rushed tone. (“But there are some reasons you should not eat in class like if you drop food bugs or mice can get in your school and there would be a meagerly big mess, and most of all if you eat too much you might have to use the bathroom. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice in the essay. (“Some kids need to eat food every hour so they wont get a stomach ache or even sometimes you have to vitamins in fruit or vegetables. Other people might need to eat food alot so they can keep their blood/sugar up or down.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The writer commits patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with communication of the writer's message.

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“Pulse when you are eating, your hands stay out of trouble, you wont get hungry and you might be able to keep focused because some people like to play with there food but not me.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The school rule, No eating in class is a pretty understandable rule. If you eat breakfast. That should hold you until lunch time. so there's no need for eating in class. After lunch and your still hunger and you have a cake or somthing little to eat. You should be able to go in the bathroom and eat it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning and satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer makes almost no attempt at stating an opinion, and little effort is put forth to persuade the readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments. (“ The school rule, No eating in class is a pretty understandable rule. If you eat breakfast. That should hold you until lunch time. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ After lunch and your still hunger and you have a cake or somthing little to eat. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ The school rule, No eating in class is a pretty understandable rule. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes a minimal attempt to support his/her argument with details . Additionally, he/she does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details that support the stated position. (“If you eat breakfast. That should hold you until lunch time. so there's no need for eating in class. ”)

The essay lacks supporting paragraphs with three or more details that support the thesis statement/controlling idea. The essay is too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“The school rule, No eating in class is a pretty understandable rule. If you eat breakfast. That should hold you until lunch time. so there's no need for eating in class. After lunch and your still hunger and you have a cake or somthing little to eat. You should be able to go in the bathroom and eat it.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she neglects to address opposing points of view and consequently, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“You should be able to go in the bathroom and eat it.”)

Organization

The essay's organization is inadequate . It demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Furthermore, paragraphing or transitional devices are not used in the essay.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates an ineffective introduction. (“ The school rule, No eating in class is a pretty understandable rule. ”)

Transitions are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ so there's no need for eating in class. After lunch and your still hunger and you have a cake or somthing little to eat. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument. It does not leave the readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“You should be able to go in the bathroom and eat it.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the thesis statement effectively. (“The school rule, No eating in class is a pretty understandable rule. If you eat breakfast. That should hold you until lunch time. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe his/her position more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“After lunch and your still hunger and you have a cake or somthing little to eat. ”)

The style of the response is inadequate. (“If you eat breakfast. That should hold you until lunch time. so there's no need for eating in class. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph begins with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ After lunch and your still hunger and you have a cake or somthing little to eat. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Separate Schools for Boys and Girls

Based on new research suggesting that male and female students learn differently, some school boards are considering creating separate schools for boys and girls. Do you think establishing separate schools is a good idea?

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you persuade the Board of Education to agree with your position on this issue. Be sure to include specific details and examples to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

We spend 12 to 13 years of our lives attending school. It is from this fact alone that shows one how important school can be. It is here that valuable education is obtained and priceless learning takes place. However, school is not only a place of education, it is where memories, friends, and reminiscences are created and treasured for countless years. In recent times, some school boards have been considering to separate schools by gender. Having this alternation take place is an undignified and egotistic decision that will forevermore change and destroy the experience a child can have while attending their school. Constructing gender-based school is a very inconsiderate choice because although we may separate schools we can not separate the world by gender; keeping our regular schooling system is beneficial to both teachers and students, and it will demolish the proficiency in which the student progresses.

Schools are here to help and prepare its students to meet the sometimes harsh, fierce blow of the outside world. Its duty is to better its students to become leaders of their coming generation, big or small, and to provide them with the necessities needed to accomplish this task. Just because we are separating our schools by gender does not mean that the world will follow. Having separate schools may seem okay while that student is still attending school, but when it is their time to face the world and their society, they are left stranded and can only be left behind to be devoured by the cruel grasp of civilization. Students need to be able to converse and interact with the opposite gender because they will have to do so sooner or later.

Also, having boys and girls attend the same school is beneficial to both the leader and its followers. It may be true that boys and girls learn differently, but in each gender group they also learn at different rates and ways. Teachers can be motivated to try and match the need of both genders in their class. This will help in improving the skills and capability of the teacher and will further inspire them to know the specific need of each individual. Also, the students are always available to help their classmates and the lesson while aiding them should be enough to keep our school with both boys and girls. Having both boys and girls in the same school may offer challenges, but it is through these challenges that all are able to improve and enhance their skills and tools.

Finally, creating gender-based schools destroys the experience a student can have while attending school. I think that gender-based schools are in some ways promoting the idea that segregation is okay. In addition, we should be taught that our differences should be accepted, not avoided. Our life will not and cannot be divided by gender no matter how hard we may try. Whether we are six years old or forty, we are going to have face the fact that we live in one world. No matter how hard we try we cannot divide this earth. It is better for us to get to know the other gender sooner because is will provide the students with preparation needed to survive the world.

You may say that it is easier for the teachers to teach a class with only one gender, but we cannot always try to find the easy way out. We cannot put a price on a child's education or destroy the experience that one undergoes at school just because of a study or statistic. We must learn to cope with the daily struggles and the diversity that fills our society today. There is no better example of doing this than keeping our regular schools and one day we will be sure to look back and find ourselves proud and unregretful of our decision. I believe that Ralph Waldo Emerson, a great author and philosopher, best summed up the importance of education when he said, "I pay the schoolmaster, but 'tis the schoolboys that educate my son."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the attention of the readers, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“We spend 12 to 13 years of our lives attending school. It is from this fact alone that shows one how important school can be. It is here that valuable education is obtained and priceless learning takes place. However, school is not only a place of education, it is where memories, friends, and reminiscences are created and treasured for countless years. In recent times, some school boards have been considering to separate schools by gender. Having this alternation take place is an undignified and egotistic decision that will forevermore change and destroy the experience a child can have while attending their school. Constructing gender-based school is a very inconsiderate choice because although we may separate schools we can not separate the world by gender; keeping our regular schooling system is beneficial to both teachers and students, and it will demolish the proficiency in which the student progresses.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Schools are here to help and prepare its students to meet the sometimes harsh, fierce blow of the outside world. Its duty is to better its students to become leaders of their coming generation, big or small, and to provide them with the necessities needed to accomplish this task. Just because we are separating our schools by gender does not mean that the world will follow.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Having separate schools may seem okay while that student is still attending school, but when it is their time to face the world and their society, they are left stranded and can only be left behind to be devoured by the cruel grasp of civilization. Students need to be able to converse and interact with the opposite gender because they will have to do so sooner or later.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of separate schools for boys and girls. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“You may say that it is easier for the teachers to teach a class with only one gender, but we cannot always try to find the easy way out.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Also, the students are always available to help their classmates and the lesson while aiding them should be enough to keep our school with both boys and girls. Having both boys and girls in the same school may offer challenges, but it is through these challenges that all are able to improve and enhance their skills and tools.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“Finally, creating gender-based schools destroys the experience a student can have while attending school. I think that gender-based schools are in some ways promoting the idea that segregation is okay. In addition, we should be taught that our differences should be accepted, not avoided. Our life will not and cannot be divided by gender no matter how hard we may try. Whether we are six years old or forty, we are going to have face the fact that we live in one world. No matter how hard we try we cannot divide this earth. It is better for us to get to know the other gender sooner because is will provide the students with preparation needed to survive the world.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“We spend 12 to 13 years of our lives attending school. It is from this fact alone that shows one how important school can be. It is here that valuable education is obtained and priceless learning takes place. However, school is not only a place of education, it is where memories, friends, and reminiscences are created and treasured for countless years. In recent times, some school boards have been considering to separate schools by gender. Having this alternation take place is an undignified and egotistic decision that will forevermore change and destroy the experience a child can have while attending their school. Constructing gender-based school is a very inconsiderate choice because although we may separate schools we can not separate the world by gender; keeping our regular schooling system is beneficial to both teachers and students, and it will demolish the proficiency in which the student progresses.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “also,” “finally,” and “however” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“However, school is not only a place of education, it is where memories, friends, and reminiscences are created and treasured for countless years.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“You may say that it is easier for the teachers to teach a class with only one gender, but we cannot always try to find the easy way out. We cannot put a price on a child's education or destroy the experience that one undergoes at school just because of a study or statistic. We must learn to cope with the daily struggles and the diversity that fills our society today. There is no better example of doing this than keeping our regular schools and one day we will be sure to look back and find ourselves proud and unregretful of our decision. I believe that Ralph Waldo Emerson, a great author and philosopher, best summed up the importance of education when he said, ‘I pay the schoolmaster, but 'tis the schoolboys that educate my son.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“We cannot put a price on a child's education or destroy the experience that one undergoes at school just because of a study or statistic. We must learn to cope with the daily struggles and the diversity that fills our society today. There is no better example of doing this than keeping our regular schools and one day we will be sure to look back and find ourselves proud and unregretful of our decision.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Constructing gender-based school is a very inconsiderate choice because although we may separate schools we can not separate the world by gender; keeping our regular schooling system is beneficial to both teachers and students, and it will demolish the proficiency in which the student progresses.”)

The use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Finally, creating gender-based schools destroys the experience a student can have while attending school. I think that gender-based schools are in some ways promoting the idea that segregation is okay. In addition, we should be taught that our differences should be accepted, not avoided. Our life will not and cannot be divided by gender no matter how hard we may try.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and words are spelled correctly. (“It is here that valuable education is obtained and priceless learning takes place. However, school is not only a place of education, it is where memories, friends, and reminiscences are created and treasured for countless years. In recent times, some school boards have been considering to separate schools by gender.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

For many years, girls and boys have been taught and interacted with each other in the same schools. Now, new research is implying that boys and girls learn differently from each other and should be taught in different places. Education is vital to both genders and this issue should be taken seriously. But, more research needs to be done on this issue. Although, I do not think boys and girls should get separated. Separation of the genders is unjust, unnecessary, and ridiculous. Girls and boys have excelled in school with each other for many years and this situation should not change now.

One reason students should not be separated is because if some schools grow wealthier than others it will be considered sexist to some. I also think that the students are more likely to become sexist if they are only interacting with their gender. For example, if one were to ask a boy in an all boys school which gender is more intelligent, he would most likely say males. I would not say it was arrogant of him, I would think it was because that is who he has seen all his life. This can happen with boys or girls in any subject. Sexism is one reason the genders should not be split up.

Another reason why boys and girls should be left in co-educational schooling is because they need to learn how to interact with each other. Interacting with the opposite sex is a life lesson that should be taught at an early age. If students were to never interact with each other they would be in complete culture shock once they reached graduation. For example, once a student gets an occupation, he or she will be working with the opposite sex and most likely have problems working with them because they have never interacted with them before. If this occurs, our world could turn upside down and become a less peaceful place than it already is. It would be like having one million mini civil wars everyday! This is another reason I think boys and girls should be taught in the same schools.

The final reason genders should stay in the same schools is because separating them may cause segregation. I am worried that once boys and girls are separated, the past might repeat itself and women might get mistreated. Many years ago, women did not have the rights to work, vote, or even go to school! If we segregate the students, the past might influence the future. This would be a nightmare and completely unjust. Boys and girls have worked hard and been very successful up until now, and can still be if we leave the students in co-ed schools.

Girls and boys have excelled in school with each other for many years and this situation should not be changed anytime soon. Many negative feelings and interactions can pop up. For example, segregation, sexism, and being in culture shock once adulthood strikes. These are my points to why genders should not be split into groups. It is completely unnecessary and students do not need to be taught in different schools just so they can learn in different ways. I believe boys and girls should be taught together forever, it is the right thing to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position to persuade readers on the issue of separate schools for boys and girls. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the audience’s attention by beginning the essay with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“For many years, girls and boys have been taught and interacted with each other in the same schools. Now, new research is implying that boys and girls learn differently from each other and should be taught in different places. Education is vital to both genders and this issue should be taken seriously. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Many years ago, women did not have the rights to work, vote, or even go to school! If we segregate the students, the past might influence the future. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Although, I do not think boys and girls should get separated. Separation of the genders is unjust, unnecessary, and ridiculous. Girls and boys have excelled in school with each other for many years and this situation should not change now. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details that support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses the opposing points of view or counterarguments of the audience.

The writer briefly addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Now, new research is implying that boys and girls learn differently from each other and should be taught in different places. Education is vital to both genders and this issue should be taken seriously. But, more research needs to be done on this issue. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“The final reason genders should stay in the same schools is because separating them may cause segregation. I am worried that once boys and girls are separated, the past might repeat itself and women might get mistreated. Many years ago, women did not have the rights to work, vote, or even go to school! If we segregate the students, the past might influence the future. This would be a nightmare and completely unjust. Boys and girls have worked hard and been very successful up until now, and can still be if we leave the students in co-ed schools. ”)

The writer uses convincing details. (“Interacting with the opposite sex is a life lesson that should be taught at an early age. If students were to never interact with each other they would be in complete culture shock once they reached graduation. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“For many years, girls and boys have been taught and interacted with each other in the same schools. Now, new research is implying that boys and girls learn differently from each other and should be taught in different places. Education is vital to both genders and this issue should be taken seriously. But, more research needs to be done on this issue. Although, I do not think boys and girls should get separated. Separation of the genders is unjust, unnecessary, and ridiculous. Girls and boys have excelled in school with each other for many years and this situation should not change now. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Another reason why boys and girls should be left in co-educational schooling is because they need to learn how to interact with each other. ”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Girls and boys have excelled in school with each other for many years and this situation should not be changed anytime soon. Many negative feelings and interactions can pop up. For example, segregation, sexism, and being in culture shock once adulthood strikes. These are my points to why genders should not be split into groups. It is completely unnecessary and students do not need to be taught in different schools just so they can learn in different ways. I believe boys and girls should be taught together forever, it is the right thing to do. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses persuasive language in the essay. (“Education is vital to both genders and this issue should be taken seriously. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“For example, once a student gets an occupation, he or she will be working with the opposite sex and most likely have problems working with them because they have never interacted with them before. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“If this occurs, our world could turn upside down and become a less peaceful place than it already is. It would be like having one million mini civil wars everyday! This is another reason I think boys and girls should be taught in the same schools. ”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“These are my points to why genders should not be split into groups. It is completely unnecessary and students do not need to be taught in different schools just so they can learn in different ways. I believe boys and girls should be taught together forever, it is the right thing to do. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear board of education,

At my school boys and girls have been attending class together for years and I say that it should stay as it is. Today I found out that you would want to put girls and boys in different schools, so as a result I am against this new statement. If you start to put both genders in different schools it would force you to spend more money into classes and teachers. Also, the grading scale would probably change. Finally, students would not like the idea of separate schools.

My first reason why I am against this statement is that you would be forced to spend more money than usual. You would spend more money by hiring more teachers. You would have ton buy more books. You would have to buy more land just to build the school itself. As a result more parents may get mad because they would have to pay more money in taxes for the schools.

My second reason is that the grading scale might change due to smart people leaving or not so smart people coming in. This means that if this passes than some people might not be as smart as the people that come to the new school. So instead of getting help they will continue to fail and not get any help because they're more smart people than there are less-smart people. It also affects the smart people if there are more less-smart people. For example a smart kid goes to a school full of less smart people the smart kid will have to go through all the wrong classes. Also a unintelligent person goes to a school full of smart students the student will remain struggling in their studies.

My last and final reason for same schools is that for one the students would not like it at all. I think I speak for all students that no one would want to stay the same classroom full of the same boys or girls. As you know most students are rebellious towards decisions such as these, so if you do this the students might break out in protests or something else.

I (strongly) think the students seem to be all right with going to school with each other. Shy or nonsocial kids might disagree with me. They might feel more comfortable being separated, but we cannot allow it. So remember my three reasons for why the schools should stay the same. First, it would burn a hole in your pockets and other adults. Second, the might struggle more than usual. Lastly, the schools might be rebelled against by students.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate use of focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion on why the schools should not be separated and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“At my school boys and girls have been attending class together for years and I say that it should stay as it is. Today I found out that you would want to put girls and boys in different schools, so as a result I am against this new statement. If you start to put both genders in different schools it would force you to spend more money into classes and teachers. Also, the grading scale would probably change. Finally, students would not like the idea of separate schools.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“My first reason why I am against this statement is that you would be forced to spend more money than usual. You would spend more money by hiring more teachers. You would have ton buy more books.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“You would have to buy more land just to build the school itself. As a result more parents may get mad because they would have to pay more money in taxes for the schools.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the audience’s counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“My last and final reason for same schools is that for one the students would not like it at all. I think I speak for all students that no one would want to stay the same classroom full of the same boys or girls. As you know most students are rebellious towards decisions such as these, so if you do this the students might break out in protests or something else.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“For example a smart kid goes to a school full of less smart people the smart kid will have to go through all the wrong classes. Also a unintelligent person goes to a school full of smart students the student will remain struggling in their studies.”)

Organization

The introduction adequately grabs the attention of the readers. (“At my school boys and girls have been attending class together for years and I say that it should stay as it is.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “last,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“My second reason is that the grading scale might change due to smart people leaving or not so smart people coming in.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer’s argument. (“I [strongly] think the students seem to be all right with going to school with each other. Shy or nonsocial kids might disagree with me. They might feel more comfortable being separated, but we cannot allow it. So remember my three reasons for why the schools should stay the same. First, it would burn a hole in your pockets and other adults. Second, the might struggle more than usual. Lastly, the schools might be rebelled against by students.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“So instead of getting help they will continue to fail and not get any help because they're more smart people than there are less-smart people.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“For example a smart kid goes to a school full of less smart people the smart kid will have to go through all the wrong classes. Also a unintelligent person goes to a school full of smart students the student will remain struggling in their studies.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“My second reason is that the grading scale might change due to smart people leaving or not so smart people coming in. This means that if this passes than some people might not be as smart as the people that come to the new school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most words are spelled correctly. (“At my school boys and girls have been attending class together for years and I say that it should stay as it is. Today I found out that you would want to put girls and boys in different schools, so as a result I am against this new statement. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Well? I think we should have a seperate school for girls and boys because then girls could feel more confterable with them selfs and boys too. And the girls dont have to worry about how they look neither have to worry about dress code neither do guys because then they wont be no one to look at them. And also the teachers wont have to worry about girls and guys to have a relationship or any feelings between the girls and boys.

The girls would have alot more consertration in school as well as the guys to. And also for the parents I think they will feel more confterable with there children safe which is the most important thing in the whole situation. And what I think is that everyone will be more happy if e had seperate schools but then they will also be problems too. Why? because the girls might not get along with eachother and could start fights, and the boys could start fight with the boys because the boys start alot of beef with eachother and start a comotion and fights.

Also not alot of people get along and the guys make fun of the girls alot and the girls get fusteraded with them and dont want to deal with there immiturity. And the teachers dont have to deal with insaults from the student which usally the guys are the ones who make the teachers mad alot. But yet the teachers deal with it because they commit to there job and have a responsibility with there jobs and do a nice job following the school district directions.

And especially it would be cool if we got to stay there at school to sleep there would be a party every saturday and sunday the days that we dont have to go to the classes what you call a break.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of separate schools for boys and girls but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Well? I think we should have a seperate school for girls and boys because then girls could feel more confterable with them selfs and boys too. And the girls dont have to worry about how they look neither have to worry about dress code neither do guys because then they wont be no one to look at them. And also the teachers wont have to worry about girls and guys to have a relationship or any sexual feelings between the girls and boys.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear, convincing, or creative way. (“Well? I think we should have a seperate school for girls and boys because then girls could feel more confterable with them selfs and boys too. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“Also not alot of people get along and the guys make fun of the girls alot and the girls get fusteraded with them and dont want to deal with there immiturity. And the teachers dont have to deal with insaults from the student which usally the guys are the ones who make the teachers mad alot.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against having separate schools for boys and girls. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. (“The girls would have alot more consertration in school as well as the guys to. And also for the parents I think they will feel more confterable with there children safe which is the most important thing in the whole situation. And what I think is that everyone will be more happy if e had seperate schools but then they will also be problems too. Why? because the girls might not get along with eachother and could start fights, and the boys could start fight with the boys because the boys start alot of beef with eachother and start a comotion and fights. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Also not alot of people get along and the guys make fun of the girls alot and the girls get fusteraded with them and dont want to deal with there immiturity. And the teachers dont have to deal with insaults from the student which usally the guys are the ones who make the teachers mad alot. But yet the teachers deal with it because they commit to there job and have a responsibility with there jobs and do a nice job following the school district directions. ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for making the schools, it is not an effective support for the argument .

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure in the essay, along with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. Use of paragraphing is incorporated, but there is a lack of effective transitional devices, which would help the essay maintain consistency and flow.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. (“Well? I think we should have a seperate school for girls and boys because then girls could feel more confterable with them selfs and boys too.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“And also for the parents I think they will feel more confterable with there children safe which is the most important thing in the whole situation. And what I think is that everyone will be more happy if e had seperate schools but then they will also be problems too. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a conclusion. (“And especially it would be cool if we got to stay there at school to sleep there would be a party every saturday and sunday the days that we dont have to go to the classes what you call a break.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“And the girls dont have to worry about how they look neither have to worry about dress code neither do guys because then they wont be no one to look at them. And also the teachers wont have to worry about girls and guys to have a relationship or any feelings between the girls and boys. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “and.” (“And the girls dont have to worry about how they look neither have to worry about dress code neither do guys because then they wont be no one to look at them. And also the teachers wont have to worry about girls and guys to have a relationship or any feelings between the girls and boys. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“And especially it would be cool if we got to stay there at school to sleep there would be a party every saturday and sunday the days that we dont have to go to the classes what you call a break.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Board Of Education,

I for one agree with this new idea you guys came up with.I have a myraid of reasons why I agree is beause the girls wont get distracted by the boys.Another reason why I agree with you is because the girls will not be worrying about the boys but they will focus on their studies.Also the girls will get their behavior more better because they wont have to be fighting with other girls over a boy.

First, of all the girls wont get distracted by guys.Instead of going to the movies with a guy you can do projects and doing the homework.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of having separate schools for boys and girls. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Also the girls will get their behavior more better because they wont have to be fighting with other girls over a boy.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“I have a myraid of reasons why I agree is beause the girls wont get distracted by the boys.Another reason why I agree with you is because the girls will not be worrying about the boys but they will focus on their studies.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“First, of all the girls wont get distracted by guys.Instead of going to the movies with a guy you can do projects and doing the homework.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of whether or not to have separate schools for boys and girls. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“I for one agree with this new idea you guys came up with.I have a myraid of reasons why I agree is beause the girls wont get distracted by the boys.”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue. (“Another reason why I agree with you is because the girls will not be worrying about the boys but they will focus on their studies.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I for one agree with this new idea you guys came up with.I have a myraid of reasons why I agree is beause the girls wont get distracted by the boys.”)

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. (“First, of all the girls wont get distracted by guys.Instead of going to the movies with a guy you can do projects and doing the homework.”)

There is no conclusion. (“First, of all the girls wont get distracted by guys.Instead of going to the movies with a guy you can do projects and doing the homework.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The writer reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. (“Also the girls will get their behavior more better because they wont have to be fighting with other girls over a boy. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of separate schools for boys and girls. (“I for one agree with this new idea you guys came up with.I have a myraid of reasons why I agree is beause the girls wont get distracted by the boys.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“First, of all the girls wont get distracted by guys.Instead of going to the movies with a guy you can do projects and doing the homework.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

sepaarate boys and girls

Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. Without girls who will the boys talk to. We need to talk to someone besides boys. is itt a good idea to seperate us? No it is not a good idea. If we were separated when there is a dance nobody is going to dance. You may think that with girls

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers on the issue of having a separate school for boy and girls. (“Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. Without girls who will the boys talk to.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“is itt a good idea to seperate us? No it is not a good idea. If we were separated when there is a dance nobody is going to dance.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and the intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. Without girls who will the boys talk to. We need to talk to someone besides boys. is itt a good idea to seperate us? No it is not a good idea. If we were separated when there is a dance nobody is going to dance. You may think that with girls”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of having separate schools for boy and girls. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“is itt a good idea to seperate us? No it is not a good idea. If we were separated when there is a dance nobody is going to dance. You may think that with girls ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are presented in the form of body paragraphs. (“Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. Without girls who will the boys talk to. We need to talk to someone besides boys. is itt a good idea to seperate us? No it is not a good idea. If we were separated when there is a dance nobody is going to dance. You may think that with girls ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. Without girls who will the boys talk to. We need to talk to someone besides boys. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. Without girls who will the boys talk to. We need to talk to someone besides boys.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“is itt a good idea to seperate us? No it is not a good idea. If we were separated when there is a dance nobody is going to dance. You may think that with girls”)

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. Without girls who will the boys talk to. We need to talk to someone besides boys. is itt a good idea to seperate us? No it is not a good idea. If we were separated when there is a dance nobody is going to dance. You may think that with girls”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. (“Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Boys and girls shouldn't be separated because there are kids who have to be around girls. Without girls who will the boys talk to. We need to talk to someone besides boys. is itt a good idea to seperate us? No it is not a good idea. If we were separated when there is a dance nobody is going to dance. You may think that with girls”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Soda Machines

The student council has developed a proposal for the installation of soda machines in the cafeteria. The principal has to make a decision on this. It is your job to write an editorial for your school newspaper to show why you support or oppose the installation of soda machines.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I am Roger, a fellow student bringing recent news to you. In current news, our school's student board of representatives says that they have proposed the idea of a soda machine in the school cafeteria. They have shown the idea to the school principal. She has yet to decide on whether or not we get to have that soda machine some of us want so much. A soda machine seems to be a great idea. It not only dispenses drinks to students without actual staff, it will correctly count change and is quick to use. Also, money received from the soda machine could be used to fund school projects and field trips. Benefits to this soda machine would be that if students are lactose-intolerant or allergic to whatever beverage the cafeteria is serving, then this is an alternative. A soda machine is a quick, simple way to receive the beverage of your choice.

There are many different benefits of a soda machine, including quick service. Operating a soda machine is simple. Students have to insert change and press the button of the soda of their choice. The machine then dispenses the soda quickly. Our current way of serving sodas is a snack bar. The snack bar line is normally very long until everyone has been served. The soda machine is an alternate way of getting a drink while others will stand in line for snacks. Our snack bar line starts at the cafeteria and goes on back as far as room 204's backdoor. My estimation to how long it would take to reach the front of the line would be fifteen minutes. I have never bothered to buy a snack during lunch or break, so I would not know.

Of course, a soda machine would take up large amounts of money. Our school must come up with the money to buy the machine, buy the soda to stock it, and to pay for maintenance when it is broken. Although it will cost a lot of money, it may pay for itself because sodas are always sold quickly. Sodas can be sold for fifty or seventy-five cents each. Families will commonly buy sodas in packs of twenty-four. If our school buys them in packs of twenty-four, we would receive twelve dollars if we sold all twenty-four for fifty cents. I have seen packs of twenty-four sodas go for five dollars, so we would receive our money back twice over, with an additional one fifth! This money could pay for a school dance, field trip, or fund a school club.

This soda machine would be good news to anyone who is allergic to certain drinks. Even though soda contains large amounts of sugar and may be bad for you, it is still better than getting sick while drinking something you are allergic to. People who are allergic to certain juices or milk can drink sodas instead of their allergenic beverage. If you do not like seeing people breaking out in hair-raising hives or you are allergic to beverages served in the cafeteria, then this soda machine would sure be good news for you!

Also, the teachers already have a soda machine in the Teacher's Lounge if someone has never told you, so maybe we should get our own. It is much cheaper and a lot less trouble to buy a soda from a soda machine than to buy it from a fast-food place or grocery store. Recently, it has gotten much hotter. It is starting to feel like a scorching, hot summer instead of springtime. It would be a big hassle to have to walk two blocks to a fast-food place and pay twice the amount it would cost you to just buy it at school. Even if you decide to walk two blocks, you would have to wait five to ten minutes just to reach the cash register! Instead, you could be inside an air-conditioned, cold cafeteria, buying a soda in one minute.

Although sodas are bad for your health, it is better than getting dehydrated. Also, the sugar in soda could give students the extra boost they need to stay awake in class. Soda can have some strange effects but they can also have certain positive ones. They can help students stay awake if they have caffeine. For gym class, the sugar in soda can be used to give energy to your body if there is a big running test, like the mile.

In closing, I would like to say to all of you who read this article to support the purchase of a soda machine. This would help immensely to our cause. If you like sodas, then an extra soda machine would be useful. Even if you do not like sodas, the money from the soda machine could possibly pay for your school dance! Also, it is an alternative from the drinks sold from the cafeteria. So if you enjoy sodas or school activities, then support the student body and contact our student council, who might in turn contact teachers who have some say in this.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“I am Roger, a fellow student bringing recent news to you. In current news, our school's student board of representatives says that they have proposed the idea of a soda machine in the school cafeteria. They have shown the idea to the school principal. She has yet to decide on whether or not we get to have that soda machine some of us want so much. A soda machine seems to be a great idea. It not only dispenses drinks to students without actual staff, it will correctly count change and is quick to use. Also, money received from the soda machine could be used to fund school projects and field trips. Benefits to this soda machine would be that if students are lactose-intolerant or allergic to whatever beverage the cafeteria is serving, then this is an alternative. A soda machine is a quick, simple way to receive the beverage of your choice.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“This soda machine would be good news to anyone who is allergic to certain drinks. Even though soda contains large amounts of sugar and may be bad for you, it is still better than getting sick while drinking something you are allergic to. People who are allergic to certain juices or milk can drink sodas instead of their allergenic beverage. If you do not like seeing people breaking out in hair-raising hives or you are allergic to beverages served in the cafeteria, then this soda machine would sure be good news for you!”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Families will commonly buy sodas in packs of twenty-four. If our school buys them in packs of twenty-four, we would receive twelve dollars if we sold all twenty-four for fifty cents. I have seen packs of twenty-four sodas go for five dollars, so we would receive our money back twice over, with an additional one fifth! This money could pay for a school dance, field trip, or fund a school club.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of installing soda machines in school. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Although sodas are bad for your health, it is better than getting dehydrated. Also, the sugar in soda could give students the extra boost they need to stay awake in class. Soda can have some strange effects but they can also have certain positive ones. They can help students stay awake if they have caffeine. For gym class, the sugar in soda can be used to give energy to your body if there is a big running test, like the mile.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“There are many different benefits of a soda machine, including quick service. Operating a soda machine is simple. Students have to insert change and press the button of the soda of their choice. The machine then dispenses the soda quickly. Our current way of serving sodas is a snack bar. The snack bar line is normally very long until everyone has been served. The soda machine is an alternate way of getting a drink while others will stand in line for snacks. Our snack bar line starts at the cafeteria and goes on back as far as room 204's backdoor. My estimation to how long it would take to reach the front of the line would be fifteen minutes. I have never bothered to buy a snack during lunch or break, so I would not know.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Sodas can be sold for fifty or seventy-five cents each. Families will commonly buy sodas in packs of twenty-four. If our school buys them in packs of twenty-four, we would receive twelve dollars if we sold all twenty-four for fifty cents. I have seen packs of twenty-four sodas go for five dollars, so we would receive our money back twice over, with an additional one fifth! This money could pay for a school dance, field trip, or fund a school club.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“I am Roger, a fellow student bringing recent news to you. In current news, our school's student board of representatives says that they have proposed the idea of a soda machine in the school cafeteria. They have shown the idea to the school principal. She has yet to decide on whether or not we get to have that soda machine some of us want so much. A soda machine seems to be a great idea. It not only dispenses drinks to students without actual staff, it will correctly count change and is quick to use. Also, money received from the soda machine could be used to fund school projects and field trips. Benefits to this soda machine would be that if students are lactose-intolerant or allergic to whatever beverage the cafeteria is serving, then this is an alternative. A soda machine is a quick, simple way to receive the beverage of your choice.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “of course,” “also,” “recently,” and “in closing” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Recently, it has gotten much hotter. It is starting to feel like a scorching, hot summer instead of springtime. It would be a big hassle to have to walk two blocks to a fast-food place and pay twice the amount it would cost you to just buy it at school.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“In closing, I would like to say to all of you who read this article to support the purchase of a soda machine. This would help immensely to our cause. If you like sodas, then an extra soda machine would be useful. Even if you do not like sodas, the money from the soda machine could possibly pay for your school dance! Also, it is an alternative from the drinks sold from the cafeteria. So if you enjoy sodas or school activities, then support the student body and contact our student council, who might in turn contact teachers who have some say in this.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Recently, it has gotten much hotter. It is starting to feel like a scorching, hot summer instead of springtime. It would be a big hassle to have to walk two blocks to a fast-food place and pay twice the amount it would cost you to just buy it at school. Even if you decide to walk two blocks, you would have to wait five to ten minutes just to reach the cash register! Instead, you could be inside an air-conditioned, cold cafeteria, buying a soda in one minute.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“This soda machine would be good news to anyone who is allergic to certain drinks. Even though soda contains large amounts of sugar and may be bad for you, it is still better than getting sick while drinking something you are allergic to. People who are allergic to certain juices or milk can drink sodas instead of their allergenic beverage. If you do not like seeing people breaking out in hair-raising hives or you are allergic to beverages served in the cafeteria, then this soda machine would sure be good news for you!”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Also, the teachers already have a soda machine in the Teacher's Lounge if someone has never told you, so maybe we should get our own. It is much cheaper and a lot less trouble to buy a soda from a soda machine than to buy it from a fast-food place or grocery store.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and words are spelled correctly. (“In closing, I would like to say to all of you who read this article to support the purchase of a soda machine. This would help immensely to our cause. If you like sodas, then an extra soda machine would be useful.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I woke up, and got dressed. After I ate breakfast, I walked to school. I went to my first period class, where we listened to the morning announcements. Most of the time, the announcements on the intercom were the same every day. But today, something caught my attention. The student council had developed a proposal for the installation of soda machines in the cafeteria. Two words came to my head: "soda machines." Surprisingly, I was one of the few that preferred water rather than a bottle of Coke. Some kids began saying that soda tasted good and it was a treat. Soda machines were a thought, but was it a good one? I did not think so.

First of all, people shouldn't drink soda constantly or it will ruin their teeth. Because some people use Coke as a substitute for water, their teeth are brown and filthy. Usually they get cavities and gingivitis. Their gums start to rot, and they may have to get denchers at a very early age. When it is too late, the person will regret drinking so much soda. By that time, they will not have a single white tooth, a single molar without cavities, and their gums will be brown and purple instead of nice and pink.

When most people are thirsty, they think a soda will satisfy their thirst, because it its much cooler and refreshing than water. However, that is not true in many ways. First of all, sodas actually make you thirstier. The carbon dioxide dehydrates your body, and that is why you get a dry feeling in your mouth most of the time after drinking a glass of Coke or Pepsi. Second of all, water is better because you hardly ever get a sick feeling after drinking it. If you drink too much soda, the carbon dioxide moves around in your stomach, causing you to belch frequently. After a while of belching, you won't feel so good.

The most important reason you shouldn't drink too much soda is because of obesity. Most parents would object to their children drinking a bottle of soda a day. If there were to be soda machines installed, the kids would suffer the consequence of becoming extremely overweight. Almost seventy-five percent of the kids today in America are suffering from obesity, and with soda machines, the percentage will increase within a couple of years. I don't think anyone would want that to happen. Once someone becomes fat, it is usually exceptionally hard for him or her to become average weight again.

In conclusion, the installation of soda machines are not such a smart idea. It is dangerous for your teeth, it makes your body lose water, and it isn't the right way to lead a healthy life. It isn't such a good idea to influence the idea that soda is so healthy they even sell it at schools. Next time you pick up a soda, think of what could happen if you become addicted.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of supporting or opposing the installation of soda machines to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, a scenario, or a surprising fact. (“I woke up, and got dressed. After I ate breakfast, I walked to school. I went to my first period class, where we listened to the morning announcements. Most of the time, the announcements on the intercom were the same every day. But today, something caught my attention. The student council had developed a proposal for the installation of soda machines in the cafeteria. Two words came to my head: ‘soda machines.’ ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First of all, people shouldn't drink soda constantly or it will ruin their teeth. Because some people use Coke as a substitute for water, their teeth are brown and filthy. Usually they get cavities and gingivitis. Their gums start to rot, and they may have to get denchers at a very early age. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Surprisingly, I was one of the few that preferred water rather than a bottle of Coke. Some kids began saying that soda tasted good and it was a treat. Soda machines were a thought, but was it a good one? I did not think so. ”)

Content & Development

Although brief, the writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some kids began saying that soda tasted good and it was a treat. Soda machines were a thought, but was it a good one? I did not think so. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Almost seventy-five percent of the kids today in America are suffering from obesity, and with soda machines, the percentage will increase within a couple of years. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The most important reason you shouldn't drink too much soda is because of obesity. Most parents would object to their children drinking a bottle of soda a day. If there were to be soda machines installed, the kids would suffer the consequence of becoming extremely overweight. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“I woke up, and got dressed. After I ate breakfast, I walked to school. I went to my first period class, where we listened to the morning announcements. Most of the time, the announcements on the intercom were the same every day. But today, something caught my attention. The student council had developed a proposal for the installation of soda machines in the cafeteria. Two words came to my head: ‘soda machines.’ Surprisingly, I was one of the few that preferred water rather than a bottle of Coke. Some kids began saying that soda tasted good and it was a treat. Soda machines were a thought, but was it a good one? I did not think so. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“When most people are thirsty, they think a soda will satisfy their thirst, because it its much cooler and refreshing than water. However, that is not true in many ways. First of all, sodas actually make you thirstier. The carbon dioxide dehydrates your body, and that is why you get a dry feeling in your mouth most of the time after drinking a glass of Coke or Pepsi. Second of all, water is better because you hardly ever get a sick feeling after drinking it. ”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, the installation of soda machines are not such a smart idea. It is dangerous for your teeth, it makes your body lose water, and it isn't the right way to lead a healthy life. It isn't such a good idea to influence the idea that soda is so healthy they even sell it at schools. Next time you pick up a soda, think of what could happen if you become addicted. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“The most important reason you shouldn't drink too much soda is because of obesity. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“The carbon dioxide dehydrates your body, and that is why you get a dry feeling in your mouth most of the time after drinking a glass of Coke or Pepsi. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Because some people use Coke as a substitute for water, their teeth are brown and filthy. Usually they get cavities and gingivitis. ”) The use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“When it is too late, the person will regret drinking so much soda. By that time, they will not have a single white tooth, a single molar without cavities, and their gums will be brown and purple instead of nice and pink. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Aren't you sick of having chocolate milk all the time at Wayside Academy? Don't you want to try someting new? Here's a good idea how about proposing to get a soda machine in the caferteria. Just for those who do not drink milk on daily basis. Anytime you get thirsty, at which you could buy a ice cold drink that you enjoy. To wash all of Ms. Marci's wonderful food. Finish reading below to find out all of the reasons why I think this should be possible.

The first reason why I think that Mr. samburg should let Wayside Academy install a soda machine downstairs in the caferteria. Is that so people wouldn't have to drink chcolate milk everyday of the week. You might say that milk is free, but the money that you make selling the soda from the soda machine. You could pay for the soda machine and any other things you might need for the school. Remeber that could be like a Fund-Raiser to help the students with thier scholarship for college. Maybe to pay for anything else the school might need. School property that needs paid for, ro eithier a big feidtrip the school might need to pay for. This Fund-Rasier will help many students and thier education.

Also Wayside Academy should get a soda machine because it could save many kids from going out to the store after school in danger of getting, stabbed, rapped, or even kidnapped. So it is better for them to be able to buy the soda at the lunchroom the and drink it on the go. Again doing the soda machine will also help you get money like I said in the paragraph before this.

Last but not lest reason why we should have a soda machine in the cafereria because somebody might bring a lunch and forgot to bring something to drink.They might want something ice, cold with flavor to drink besides the same old chocolate milk you drink everyday. The soda machine will be right on time to save you from having an incomplete lunch. This is a big problem because I bring lunches and sometimes I forget things that I should have put in my lunch like juice, then I could just buy a soda out of the lunchroom. The soda machine to the rescue.

There are many more reasons why Wayside should have a soda machine in the caferteria besides my three reasons but to me these are the best reasons.This is a great opportunity for our school to be the best, to try something new, and put all the other schools to the test. Some people might say that sugar would cause students to not pay attention. But, I am proposing to install a soda machine in the caferteria of Wayside Academy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion of why soda machines should be installed in school and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Aren't you sick of having chocolate milk all the time at Wayside Academy? Don't you want to try someting new? Here's a good idea how about proposing to get a soda machine in the caferteria. Just for those who do not drink milk on daily basis. Anytime you get thirsty, at which you could buy a ice cold drink that you enjoy. To wash all of Ms. Marci's wonderful food. Finish reading below to find out all of the reasons why I think this should be possible.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Also Wayside Academy should get a soda machine because it could save many kids from going out to the store after school in danger of getting, stabbed, rapped, or even kidnapped. So it is better for them to be able to buy the soda at the lunchroom the and drink it on the go. Again doing the soda machine will also help you get money like I said in the paragraph before this.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“The soda machine will be right on time to save you from having an incomplete lunch. This is a big problem because I bring lunches and sometimes I forget things that I should have put in my lunch like juice, then I could just buy a soda out of the lunchroom. The soda machine to the rescue.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Last but not lest reason why we should have a soda machine in the cafereria because somebody might bring a lunch and forgot to bring something to drink.They might want something ice, cold with flavor to drink besides the same old chocolate milk you drink everyday.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Is that so people wouldn't have to drink chcolate milk everyday of the week. You might say that milk is free, but the money that you make selling the soda from the soda machine. You could pay for the soda machine and any other things you might need for the school.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Aren't you sick of having chocolate milk all the time at Wayside Academy? Don't you want to try someting new? Here's a good idea how about proposing to get a soda machine in the caferteria. Just for those who do not drink milk on daily basis. Anytime you get thirsty, at which you could buy a ice cold drink that you enjoy. To wash all of Ms. Marci's wonderful food. Finish reading below to find out all of the reasons why I think this should be possible.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“The first reason why I think that Mr. samburg should let Wayside Academy install a soda machine downstairs in the caferteria. Is that so people wouldn't have to drink chcolate milk everyday of the week.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer’s argument. (“There are many more reasons why Wayside should have a soda machine in the caferteria besides my three reasons but to me these are the best reasons.This is a great opportunity for our school to be the best, to try something new, and put all the other schools to the test. Some people might say that sugar would cause students to not pay attention. But, I am proposing to install a soda machine in the caferteria of Wayside Academy.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Also Wayside Academy should get a soda machine because it could save many kids from going out to the store after school in danger of getting, stabbed, rapped, or even kidnapped. So it is better for them to be able to buy the soda at the lunchroom the and drink it on the go. Again doing the soda machine will also help you get money like I said in the paragraph before this.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“There are many more reasons why Wayside should have a soda machine in the caferteria besides my three reasons but to me these are the best reasons.This is a great opportunity for our school to be the best, to try something new, and put all the other schools to the test.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Remeber that could be like a Fund-Raiser to help the students with thier scholarship for college. Maybe to pay for anything else the school might need. School property that needs paid for, ro eithier a big feidtrip the school might need to pay for. This Fund-Rasier will help many students and thier education.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most words are spelled correctly. (“Aren't you sick of having chocolate milk all the time at Wayside Academy? Don't you want to try someting new? Here's a good idea how about proposing to get a soda machine in the caferteria. Just for those who do not drink milk on daily basis. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen.My name is K.T. I personally think David Weston Middle school shouldn't have soda machines, because I think that the students here can't handle it. Students should know that if they do have soda machines and they forget to bring money, the school will not lend them the money. What if some soda waste on something like the floor, the engeer is not going to mop the whole floor because of one little spill.

I also think we should have soda machines in the lunchroom because, I know some kids get tried of having milk all the time. I think the soda should be at least 50 or 75 cent. If students don't bring their own money then I guess the students will not be lefted out.

I think if students can't have juice or soda then nobody in the building can. I kind of think that we need a snack machine too. We get hungery during our classes and we get thirst too. If the student through the trash on the floor then school should take the machines out the building. But then agian we need things to drink besides water just like the teachers.

Well, I hope this essay help you make your decesion. So put yourself in our place. Would you want to be in a hot little room during the summer without anything to drink? So I really hope we get a soda and a snack mashine. Just if you say no then think about this essay when the next time you want a machine.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of installing soda machines but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen.My name is K.T. I personally think David Weston Middle school shouldn't have soda machines, because I think that the students here can't handle it. Students should know that if they do have soda machines and they forget to bring money, the school will not lend them the money. What if some soda waste on something like the floor, the engeer is not going to mop the whole floor because of one little spill.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“I think if students can't have juice or soda then nobody in the building can. I kind of think that we need a snack machine too. We get hungery during our classes and we get thirst too. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“I also think we should have soda machines in the lunchroom because, I know some kids get tried of having milk all the time. I think the soda should be at least 50 or 75 cent. If students don't bring their own money then I guess the students will not be lefted out.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against soda machines. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Well, I hope this essay help you make your decesion. So put yourself in our place. Would you want to be in a hot little room during the summer without anything to drink? So I really hope we get a soda and a snack mashine. Just if you say no then think about this essay when the next time you want a machine. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I also think we should have soda machines in the lunchroom because, I know some kids get tried of having milk all the time. I think the soda should be at least 50 or 75 cent. If students don't bring their own money then I guess the students will not be lefted out. ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for wanting soda machines installed, it is not an effective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for consequences of soda machines, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“I think if students can't have juice or soda then nobody in the building can. I kind of think that we need a snack machine too. We get hungery during our classes and we get thirst too. If the student through the trash on the floor then school should take the machines out the building. But then agian we need things to drink besides water just like the teachers.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer personally addresses the audience. (“Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen.My name is K.T. I personally think David Weston Middle school shouldn't have soda machines, because I think that the students here can't handle it. Students should know that if they do have soda machines and they forget to bring money, the school will not lend them the money. What if some soda waste on something like the floor, the engeer is not going to mop the whole floor because of one little spill.”)

Strong transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“I think if students can't have juice or soda then nobody in the building can. I kind of think that we need a snack machine too. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“Well, I hope this essay help you make your decesion. So put yourself in our place. Would you want to be in a hot little room during the summer without anything to drink? So I really hope we get a soda and a snack mashine. Just if you say no then think about this essay when the next time you want a machine.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“I think if students can't have juice or soda then nobody in the building can. I kind of think that we need a snack machine too. We get hungery during our classes and we get thirst too. If the student through the trash on the floor then school should take the machines out the building. But then agian we need things to drink besides water just like the teachers. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “I.” (“I also think we should have soda machines in the lunchroom because, I know some kids get tried of having milk all the time. I think the soda should be at least 50 or 75 cent. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and words are spelled correctly. (“Well, I hope this essay help you make your decesion. So put yourself in our place. Would you want to be in a hot little room during the summer without anything to drink? So I really hope we get a soda and a snack mashine. Just if you say no then think about this essay when the next time you want a machine.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think we should have soda vending machines because sometimes students get tired of drinking milk and water everyday at school from water fountains. i know that students like milk but at least we could buy a soda to drink once in a while. some kids will probabley prefer soda over milk.

when students see teachers and staff drinking sodas they sometimes ask why they cant buy sodas out of the vending machine at school from a near by gastation and bring them to school. so now that show that 90% will perfer soda and 40% will perfer milk.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of supporting or opposing the installation of soda machines. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“I think we should have soda vending machines because sometimes students get tired of drinking milk and water everyday at school from water fountains. i know that students like milk but at least we could buy a soda to drink once in a while. some kids will probabley prefer soda over milk.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“when students see teachers and staff drinking sodas they sometimes ask why they cant buy sodas out of the vending machine at school from a near by gastation and bring them to school. so now that show that 90% will perfer soda and 40% will perfer milk.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“when students see teachers and staff drinking sodas they sometimes ask why they cant buy sodas out of the vending machine at school from a near by gastation and bring them to school.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of installing soda machines. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“I think we should have soda vending machines because sometimes students get tired of drinking milk and water everyday at school from water fountains. i know that students like milk but at least we could buy a soda to drink once in a while. some kids will probabley prefer soda over milk.”)

Details to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of installing soda machines are minimal. (“when students see teachers and staff drinking sodas they sometimes ask why they cant buy sodas out of the vending machine at school from a near by gastation and bring them to school. so now that show that 90% will perfer soda and 40% will perfer milk.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think we should have soda vending machines because sometimes students get tired of drinking milk and water everyday at school from water fountains. i know that students like milk but at least we could buy a soda to drink once in a while. some kids will probabley prefer soda over milk.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“when students see teachers and staff drinking sodas they sometimes ask why they cant buy sodas out of the vending machine at school from a near by gastation and bring them to school.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“so now that show that 90% will perfer soda and 40% will perfer milk.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“when students see teachers and staff drinking sodas they sometimes ask why they cant buy sodas out of the vending machine at school from a near by gastation and bring them to school. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of installing soda machines at school. (“I think we should have soda vending machines because sometimes students get tired of drinking milk and water everyday at school from water fountains. i know that students like milk but at least we could buy a soda to drink once in a while. some kids will probabley prefer soda over milk.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“when students see teachers and staff drinking sodas they sometimes ask why they cant buy sodas out of the vending machine at school from a near by gastation and bring them to school. so now that show that 90% will perfer soda and 40% will perfer milk.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Soda Machine

I think we should have a soda machine cause the school can raise money for the student can go on outing and field trips to the farm and stuff. we also should have these machines cause they can raise money foe new dest and stuff to put in the classes that have brocken frunature. the school can use the money they raise to fix the heaters cause we need heat in the winter.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers to support or oppose the installation of soda machines. (“we also should have these machines cause they can raise money foe new dest and stuff to put in the classes that have brocken frunature.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“I think we should have a soda machine cause the school can raise money for the student can go on outing and field trips to the farm and stuff.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I think we should have a soda machine cause the school can raise money for the student can go on outing and field trips to the farm and stuff. we also should have these machines cause they can raise money foe new dest and stuff to put in the classes that have brocken frunature. the school can use the money they raise to fix the heaters cause we need heat in the winter.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the position on the issue of installing soda machines. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“we also should have these machines cause they can raise money foe new dest and stuff to put in the classes that have brocken frunature. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are presented in body paragraphs. (“I think we should have a soda machine cause the school can raise money for the student can go on outing and field trips to the farm and stuff. we also should have these machines cause they can raise money foe new dest and stuff to put in the classes that have brocken frunature. the school can use the money they raise to fix the heaters cause we need heat in the winter. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“I think we should have a soda machine cause the school can raise money for the student can go on outing and field trips to the farm and stuff. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think we should have a soda machine cause the school can raise money for the student can go on outing and field trips to the farm and stuff.”)

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“I think we should have a soda machine cause the school can raise money for the student can go on outing and field trips to the farm and stuff. we also should have these machines cause they can raise money foe new dest and stuff to put in the classes that have brocken frunature. the school can use the money they raise to fix the heaters cause we need heat in the winter.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“the school can use the money they raise to fix the heaters cause we need heat in the winter.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“we also should have these machines cause they can raise money foe new dest and stuff to put in the classes that have brocken frunature. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“the school can use the money they raise to fix the heaters cause we need heat in the winter.”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade the readers to agree with installing soda machines, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“I think we should have a soda machine cause the school can raise money for the student can go on outing and field trips to the farm and stuff. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Space Shuttle Mission

Your principal has been asked to select one student from your school to go on the next space shuttle flight. The selected student will join the astronauts on their next mission to space. Why should you be selected to join this mission?

Write an essay persuading your principal to choose you to participate in the next space shuttle mission.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Members of the NASA Selection Committee,

I came across an article in my local newspaper stating that NASA was looking for a suitable child to accompany the astronauts on their next space flight. I was greatly interested and would like to be the participant. I believe that the NASA program has always been interested in improving our ideas about space and life. This experiment in age and space is very interesting.

"Does the body of a growing child differ from that of a full grown adult?" the article printed. I have always been interested the sky. Why does it look blue? Why are there clouds? How come I can't see the stars during the day? Of course, throughout my lifetime, I learned the answers to these simple questions; but as I answered them, more questions grew in their place. So I researched information about the Earth. This led me to more questions about space.

I now understand a great deal of the universe. It's very entertaining to lie out in the grass and stare at the sky, only now I understand why it does what it does and moves the way it moves. A hobby of mine as a younger child was to collect toy robots. I was first interested in them because they looked cool and made silly noises. As I grew older, my interest turned from the appearance of the robot to how the machine worked. I then researched robotics and mechanics to answer my questions. I began to watch the television program, “Transformers”. Next, I became interested in LEGO building kits. Now, I own several LEGO kits and robot building sets. I also became interested in computer programming. I took several classes on robots. During one class, we were challenged to build a robot that could climb up a wooden board; I failed miserably. The instructors showed me that I made a robot design that couldn't climb the board no matter how much power I gave it or how much weight it had. This is how I became interested in physics.

In school science classes, we did small experiments dealing with physics. For example, how does a pulley work? Can you move the block without touching it? Through these experiments, I learned the basics of physics and other sciences. I spoke with my teacher about my interests in physics and robotics. She was able to show me several sources I could do research with. I now realize that my robot couldn't climb the board because it wasn't balanced correctly, was not close enough to the ground, and didn't have any traction.

After all of the knowledge I had gained, I decided to go to space camp. It seemed like the perfect idea. I could go, learn more about the universe, see the robots and machines used by NASA, and gain a better understanding of physics, by learning how the space shuttle was able to leave the Earth. I could also gaze at the stars through very powerful telescopes. Once I finally made it to space camp, everything I had hoped for was there, and then some! I learned so much about the universe I thought I would burst! I was able to see the robots used on the moon! I learned how the spaceships and space suits worked. I think the best part was when we traveled on top of the tallest hill, rolled out our sleeping bags, and slept under the stars. Since the camp took place in the mountains, I could see all the stars so clearly. They looked more beautiful than I had ever seen them! I stayed up all night, just watching them twinkle. There were so many stars that night.

I went back to space camp two more times. Every time, I learned something new and every time, I had more questions. I began to understand how scientists are able to conceive all the ideas that make up our world. During the school year, I had the opportunity to write a science report on time travel; I researched about black holes, worm holes, subspace, the speed of light, and all sorts of theories on time travel. The one that interested me the most was the, "Many Worlds Theory." This theory stated that for every action an atom takes, a new universe is created to show the other action it could have taken. I got an A+ on the report. From this report, I took a whole new look at the universe.

I became interested in people like Aristotle and Stephen Hawking. I looked at what they thought about the universe and developed my own theories. I then became interested in philosophy. I read great literary works like that of Shakespeare, looked at the art of Michelangelo and Da Vinci, and listened to the works of Brahms and Beethoven. Then, I grew an even greater love of music and began listening to jazz. The ideas behind the music, Giant Steps, for example, taught me that there will always be several views on the same thing.

It is the nature of any contest that there will be other applicants with different experiences and backgrounds. I understand you need to look at each person and see what they bring to the opportunity. However, having stated my background in science and philosophy, this is why I should be chosen: I would love to actually feel space and what it is like to be weightless and free.

I would love to see the stars from another perspective, and for that matter, the Earth from another perspective. I would be a great asset to the crew with my knowledge of science and technology. I could help with the programming and control of some of the robots, computers, and other machines. I would have the greatest seat in the world. I would be able to see other astronauts' views of space. Thank you for letting me attempt this experiment and fulfill my dreams. I hope you make the best decision, based on the other applicants, as well as myself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning , satisfies all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion that effectively persuades readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer clearly asserts his/her desire to participate in the space shuttle mission from the very beginning of the essay. (“I came across an article in my local newspaper stating that NASA was looking for a suitable child to accompany the astronauts on their next space flight. I was greatly interested and would like to be the participant. I believe that the NASA program has always been interested in improving our ideas about space and life. This experiment in age and space is very interesting.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“It is the nature of any contest that there will be other applicants with different experiences and backgrounds. I understand you need to look at each person and see what they bring to the opportunity. However, having stated my background in science and philosophy, this is why I should be chosen: I would love to actually feel space and what it is like to be weightless and free. I would love to see the stars from another perspective, and for that matter, the Earth from another perspective.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the central/controlling idea and includes supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion. (“I went back to space camp two more times. Every time, I learned something new and every time, I had more questions. I began to understand how scientists are able to conceive all the ideas that make up our world. During the school year, I had the opportunity to write a science report on time travel; I researched about black holes, worm holes, subspace, the speed of light, and all sorts of theories on time travel. The one that interested me the most was the, ‘Many Worlds Theory.’ This theory stated that for every action an atom takes, a new universe is created to show the other action it could have taken. I got an A+ on the report. From this report, I took a whole new look at the universe.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer methodically presents experiences that qualify him/her to participate successfully in the space shuttle mission. Additionally, the writer manages to address the readers’ opposing views.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“It is the nature of any contest that there will be other applicants with different experiences and backgrounds. I understand you need to look at each person and see what they bring to the opportunity. However, having stated my background in science and philosophy, this is why I should be chosen: I would love to actually feel space and what it is like to be weightless and free.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Once I finally made it to space camp, everything I had hoped for was there, and then some! I learned so much about the universe I thought I would burst! I was able to see the robots used on the moon! I learned how the spaceships and space suits worked. I think the best part was when we traveled on top of the tallest hill, rolled out our sleeping bags, and slept under the stars. Since the camp took place in the mountains, I could see all the stars so clearly. They looked more beautiful than I had ever seen them! I stayed up all night, just watching them twinkle. There were so many stars that night.”)

The writer uses details that create a clear picture of a well-rounded candidate who is knowledgeable in the areas of science, literature, music, and philosophy. (“I became interested in people like Aristotle and Stephen Hawking. I looked at what they thought about the universe and developed my own theories. I then became interested in philosophy. I read great literary works like that of Shakespeare, looked at the art of Michelangelo and Da Vinci, and listened to the works of Brahms and Beethoven. Then, I grew an even greater love of music and began listening to jazz. The ideas behind the music, Giant Steps, for example, taught me that there will always be several views on the same thing.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates very effective organization. The writer provides a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction states his/her intention in a very direct way. (“I came across an article in my local newspaper stating that NASA was looking for a suitable child to accompany the astronauts on their next space flight. I was greatly interested and would like to be the participant. I believe that the NASA program has always been interested in improving our ideas about space and life. This experiment in age and space is very interesting.”)

Subtle transitions are used to enhance the flow and sequence of ideas presented in the essay. (“Of course, throughout my lifetime, I learned the answers to these simple questions; but as I answered them, more questions grew in their place. So I researched information about the Earth. This led me to more questions about space. I now understand a great deal of the universe. It's very entertaining to lie out in the grass and stare at the sky, only now I understand why it does what it does and moves the way it moves. A hobby of mine as a younger child was to collect toy robots. I was first interested in them because they looked cool and made silly noises. As I grew older, my interest turned from the appearance of the robot to how the machine worked. I then researched robotics and mechanics to answer my questions.”)

The conclusion restates the writer’s qualifications for the space shuttle mission and leaves readers with a request to consider these credentials before arriving at a decision. (“However, having stated my background in science and philosophy, this is why I should be chosen: I would love to actually feel space and what it is like to be weightless and free. I would love to see the stars from another perspective, and for that matter, the Earth from another perspective. I would be a great asset to the crew with my knowledge of science and technology. I could help with the programming and control of some of the robots, computers, and other machines. I would have the greatest seat in the world. I would be able to see other astronauts' views of space. Thank you for letting me attempt this experiment and fulfill my dreams. I hope you make the best decision, based on the other applicants, as well as myself.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language effectively to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I would love to see the stars from another perspective, and for that matter, the Earth from another perspective. I would be a great asset to the crew with my knowledge of science and technology. I could help with the programming and control of some of the robots, computers, and other machines. I would have the greatest seat in the world. I would be able to see other astronauts' views of space.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in the essay by including sentences with exclamations and/or questions and by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“During the school year, I had the opportunity to write a science report on time travel; I researched about black holes, worm holes, subspace, the speed of light, and all sorts of theories on time travel. The one that interested me the most was the, ‘Many Worlds Theory.’ This theory stated that for every action an atom takes, a new universe is created to show the other action it could have taken. I got an A+ on the report. From this report, I took a whole new look at the universe.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“After all of the knowledge I had gained, I decided to go to space camp. It seemed like the perfect idea. I could go, learn more about the universe, see the robots and machines used by NASA, and gain a better understanding of physics, by learning how the space shuttle was able to leave the Earth. I could also gaze at the stars through very powerful telescopes. Once I finally made it to space camp, everything I had hoped for was there, and then some!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“I read great literary works like that of Shakespeare, looked at the art of Michelangelo and Da Vinci, and listened to the works of Brahms and Beethoven. Then, I grew an even greater love of music and began listening to jazz. The ideas behind the music, Giant Steps, for example, taught me that there will always be several views on the same thing.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The word "astronaut" has been my favorite word since I could pronounce it. Now I am fourteen years old and am interested in your contest in which you plan to allow one student to accompany you on your next space mission.

I went to space camp with my brother this past summer. Ever since then, I am hardly ever seen without a book about space travel tucked under one arm. My heroes are those like Han Solo and other "space cowboys". I have always dreamed of flying in a spacecraft, leaving earth and venturing to new and unexplored planets. I love to read about our solar system and look at pictures of stars in our science books. Most of my book reports have been about various science fiction novels involving space travel and those who dare to explore the unknown galaxies. I build models of spacecrafts with the assistance of my brother. We even named our dog, "Columbia".

As you can see, I am very interested in space travel, but I've also done my homework. I have studied many of our planets thoroughly and learned how they relate to and are different from the planet we call home. I have studied on my own about astronauts like John Glen and learned of some the famous flights they took into space. I have talked to many teachers and educated individuals about what is involved when real people enter space. I know that is very different from the world of the science fiction novels, but I believe that the experience of the real thing will allow me to better understand space and our surrounding planets.

I acknowledge that I have read many non-fiction accounts of space travel, but to fully comprehend what it is like, I feel I must experience it for myself. In all of my research, I have also concluded that many people don't understand how important our space program is. I would like to show my friends and peers, who are the next generation of astronauts, that we need to increase our knowledge of the places outside our world.

No doubt there are many other students who may have credentials the same or better than mine. However, what should separate candidates is not just knowledge but heart for the subject. I have a passion for all things outer space, and I will bring that enthusiasm and love for the universe with me on the mission.

So, I will close my essay in saying that I feel I would be the best candidate for this position. I encourage you to look into my reputation on this subject. You will not be disappointed. In selecting me as the next student to go on this space shuttle mission, you are ensuring a successful mission and fulfilling a child’s lifelong dream.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning and satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position that persuades readers. He/she is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of purpose and intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a nostalgic memory. (“The word ‘astronaut’ has been my favorite word since I could pronounce it. Now I am fourteen years old and am interested in your contest in which you plan to allow one student to accompany you on your next space mission.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“As you can see, I am very interested in space travel, but I've also done my homework. I have studied many of our planets thoroughly and learned how they relate to and are different from the planet we call home. I have studied on my own about astronauts like John Glen and learned of some the famous flights they took into space. I have talked to many teachers and educated individuals about what is involved when real people enter space. I know that is very different from the world of the science fiction novels, but I believe that the experience of the real thing will allow me to better understand space and our surrounding planets.”)

The writer's examples are relevant and they help support the argument presented. (“I acknowledge that I have read many non-fiction accounts of space travel, but to fully comprehend what it is like, I feel I must experience it for myself. In all of my research, I have also concluded that many people don't understand how important our space program is. I would like to show my friends and peers, who are the next generation of astronauts, that we need to increase our knowledge of the places outside our world.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good content and development. He/she develops arguments using sufficient, relevant details for support and clearly addresses the readers’ opposing views.

The writer acknowledges and addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“No doubt there are many other students who may have credentials the same or better than mine. However, what should separate candidates is not just knowledge but heart for the subject. I have a passion for all things outer space, and I will bring that enthusiasm and love for the universe with me on the mission.”)

The writer’s details of his/her past experiences with the subject give the argument credibility. (“I went to space camp with my brother this past summer. Ever since then, I am hardly ever seen without a book about space travel tucked under one arm. My heroes are those like Han Solo and other ‘space cowboys’. I have always dreamed of flying in a spacecraft, leaving earth and venturing to new and unexplored planets. I love to read about our solar system and look at pictures of stars in our science books. Most of my book reports have been about various science fiction novels involving space travel and those who dare to explore the unknown galaxies. I build models of spacecrafts with the assistance of my brother. We even named our dog, ‘Columbia’.”)

The writer includes details that explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“I have studied many of our planets thoroughly and learned how they relate to and are different from the planet we call home. I have studied on my own about astronauts like John Glen and learned of some the famous flights they took into space. I have talked to many teachers and educated individuals about what is involved when real people enter space. I know that is very different from the world of the science fiction novels, but I believe that the experience of the real thing will allow me to better understand space and our surrounding planets.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates good organization. The writer provides a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions helps keep the flow of the argument smooth.

The writer clearly states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“The word ‘astronaut’ has been my favorite word since I could pronounce it. Now I am fourteen years old and am interested in your contest in which you plan to allow one student to accompany you on your next space mission.”)

Transitions help to show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“As you can see, I am very interested in space travel, but I've also done my homework. I have studied many of our planets thoroughly and learned how they relate to and are different from the planet we call home. I have studied on my own about astronauts like John Glen and learned of some the famous flights they took into space. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“So, I will close my essay in saying that I feel I would be the best candidate for this position. I encourage you to look into my reputation on this subject. You will not be disappointed. In selecting me as the next student to go on this space shuttle mission, you are ensuring a successful mission and fulfilling a child’s lifelong dream.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is good. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the argument.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I encourage you to look into my reputation on this subject. You will not be disappointed. In selecting me as the next student to go on this space shuttle mission, you are ensuring a successful mission and fulfilling a child’s lifelong dream.”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“I love to read about our solar system and look at pictures of stars in our science books. Most of my book reports have been about various science fiction novels involving space travel and those who dare to explore the unknown galaxies. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“I acknowledge that I have read many non-fiction accounts of space travel, but to fully comprehend what it is like, I feel I must experience it for myself. In all of my research, I have also concluded that many people don't understand how important our space program is. I would like to show my friends and peers, who are the next generation of astronauts, that we need to increase our knowledge of the places outside our world.”) Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ I have studied many of our planets thoroughly and learned how they relate to and are different from the planet we call home. I have studied on my own about astronauts like John Glen and learned of some the famous flights they took into space. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear NASA staff,

I am a student of Jones Avenue School. I am one of the best students here, and my learning capability has few boundaries. I believe that I would be the best choice for your future space flight for the following reasons: I am a bright and fast learner, I have interest in space, and I would easily be able to control myself in this type of environment. I will explain these reasons in further detail below.

First of all, I am a rather smart student who can catch on to new concepts quickly. An example of this is that I came to this country from Russia, and I can read Charles Dickens and understand it. I understand new lessons in algebra easily, and always do my homework.

The second reason that I stated is that I have interest in space. What I mean by this is that I am supporting future development that humans might need, and strongly believe in encouraging such developments. I am interested in futuristic literature, and I am often thinking about being out in space, and living there.

The third reason that warrants me to be sent into space is that I have self-control and am willing to follow any directions given to me. I will pay attention to every command given to me by the captain, and will remember them as I am an auditory learner. I would not become lonely in space's harsh, unsocial environment; though I would be great company for my fellow teammates.

Knowing there are other candidates competing, you need to remember that not all students have the discipline, attention to detail, good listening and other skills necessary to complete the mission. I can say with all confidence that I do.

These reasons make me a safe and practical choice, and I would never let your team down.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning and satisfies many parts of the task. The writer establishes an opinion and adequately attempts to persuade readers . In doing so, he/she demonstrates a basic understanding of purpose and intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I am a student of Jones Avenue School. I am one of the best students here, and my learning capability has few boundaries. I believe that I would be the best choice for your future space flight for the following reasons: I am a bright and fast learner, I have interest in space, and I would easily be able to control myself in this type of environment. I will explain these reasons in further detail below.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“The third reason that warrants me to be sent into space is that I have self-control and am willing to follow any directions given to me. I will pay attention to every command given to me by the captain, and will remember them as I am an auditory learner. I would not become lonely in space's harsh, unsocial environment; though I would be great company for my fellow teammates.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for the audience; he/she rarely or never uses slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Knowing there are other candidates competing, you need to remember that not all students have the discipline, attention to detail, good listening and other skills necessary to complete the mission. I can say with all confidence that I do.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides adequate content and development. Arguments are developed by using some details for support. However, the writer only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing views. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are relevant to the argument presented. (“The third reason that warrants me to be sent into space is that I have self-control and am willing to follow any directions given to me. I will pay attention to every command given to me by the captain, and will remember them as I am an auditory learner. I would not become lonely in space's harsh, unsocial environment; though I would be great company for my fellow teammates.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas should be expanded to give readers a greater appreciation for the writer’s arguments. (“The second reason that I stated is that I have interest in space. What I mean by this is that I am supporting future development that humans might need, and strongly believe in encouraging such developments. I am interested in futuristic literature, and I am often thinking about being out in space, and living there.”)

The writer briefly addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. The writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for opposing views. He/she could integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Knowing there are other candidates competing, you need to remember that not all students have the discipline, attention to detail, good listening and other skills necessary to complete the mission. I can say with all confidence that I do.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates adequate organization. The writer provides a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices; overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“I am a student of Jones Avenue School. I am one of the best students here, and my learning capability has few boundaries. I believe that I would be the best choice for your future space flight for the following reasons: I am a bright and fast learner, I have interest in space, and I would easily be able to control myself in this type of environment. I will explain these reasons in further detail below.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“First of all, I am a rather smart student who can catch on to new concepts quickly. An example of this is that I came to this country from Russia, and I can read Charles Dickens and understand it. I understand new lessons in algebra easily, and always do my homework.”)

The writer’s conclusion is very brief. Although he/she misses the opportunity to reiterate main ideas, he/she does manage to give readers a sense of closure. (“These reasons make me a safe and practical choice, and I would never let your team down.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and some control of voice. It is generally characterized by correct sentence structure with some variety.

The sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“I will pay attention to every command given to me by the captain, and will remember them as I am an auditory learner. I would not become lonely in space's harsh, unsocial environment; though I would be great company for my fellow teammates.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“First of all, I am a rather smart student who can catch on to new concepts quickly. An example of this is that I came to this country from Russia, and I can read Charles Dickens and understand it. I understand new lessons in algebra easily, and always do my homework.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice while presenting arguments. (“The second reason that I stated is that I have interest in space. What I mean by this is that I am supporting future development that humans might need, and strongly believe in encouraging such developments. I am interested in futuristic literature, and I am often thinking about being out in space, and living there.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most words are spelled correctly. (“ The second reason that I stated is that I have interest in space. What I mean by this is that I am supporting future development that humans might need, and strongly believe in encouraging such developments. I am interested in futuristic literature, and I am often thinking about being out in space, and living there.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Why I Should Be Your Choice

I should be chosen to go on the next space flight with the astronauts because I am a really good student and a fast learner. I have always wanted to be an astronaut it has been my dream to fly through space ever since i was five years old.

I am excellent in science, biology, and math in which i feel would make me an excellent part of this next mission. I have a 4.0, I'm very athletic, and I can handle anything you would throw at me. I stick to a job and dont stop until it's done which means that i would be able to help on flight and handle all of my orders without slacking off. I am able to solve problems very fast and can handle troubled situation.

These are some of my qualities i have many more which would make me an even better astronaut. It would be an honor to work along side of the NASA crew and a dream come true if you picked me to be part of your next mission.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer applies limited focus and meaning and only manages to complete some parts of the task. The writer asserts an interest in participating in the space shuttle mission but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas and arguments. Additionally, he/she demonstrates a limited understanding of purpose and audience.

The essay exhibits a limited opinion statement and shows only some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I should be chosen to go on the next space flight with the astronauts because I am a really good student and a fast learner. I have always wanted to be an astronaut it has been my dream to fly through space ever since i was five years old.”)

A limited number of details relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“I am able to solve problems very fast and can handle troubled situation.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers, but his/her use of persuasive terms is very limited. (“These are some of my qualities i have many more which would make me an even better astronaut. It would be an honor to work along side of the NASA crew and a dream come true if you picked me to be part of your next mission.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development by developing arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support. He/she does attempt to address readers but does not integrate opposing views into the essay.

The writer is limited in his/her attempts to address the readers’ concerns or respond to those who might disagree with the stated opinion. (“I stick to a job and dont stop until it's done which means that i would be able to help on flight and handle all of my orders without slacking off. I am able to solve problems very fast and can handle troubled situation.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for wanting to participate in the space shuttle mission, it does not effectively support the argument. (“I should be chosen to go on the next space flight with the astronauts because I am a really good student and a fast learner. I have always wanted to be an astronaut it has been my dream to fly through space ever since i was five years old.”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. These details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas about the benefits of selecting him/her for the space shuttle mission, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the stated position on the issue. (“ I am excellent in science, biology, and math in which i feel would make me an excellent part of this next mission. I have a 4.0, I'm very athletic, and I can handle anything you would throw at me. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited organization of ideas at best. The writer provides some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay includes paragraphing but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay does very little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I should be chosen to go on the next space flight with the astronauts because I am a really good student and a fast learner. I have always wanted to be an astronaut it has been my dream to fly through space ever since i was five years old.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause the essay lacks transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“I am excellent in science, biology, and math in which i feel would make me an excellent part of this next mission. I have a 4.0, I'm very athletic, and I can handle anything you would throw at me. I stick to a job and dont stop until it's done which means that i would be able to help on flight and handle all of my orders without slacking off. ”) The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a very limited way. Notably, the writer manages to give readers a sense of closure by asking them to consider him/her as a candidate for the space shuttle mission. (“These are some of my qualities i have many more which would make me an even better astronaut. It would be an honor to work along side of the NASA crew and a dream come true if you picked me to be part of your next mission.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is limited. The essay demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, it relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay exhibits a limited use of descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to present the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“I should be chosen to go on the next space flight with the astronauts because I am a really good student and a fast learner. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style used to present ideas is weak and repetitive in nature. (“I am excellent in science, biology, and math in which i feel would make me an excellent part of this next mission. ”)

Sentence variety is limited. For example, the writer begins numerous sentences with the word “I.” (“I stick to a job and dont stop until it's done which means that i would be able to help on flight and handle all of my orders without slacking off. I am able to solve problems very fast and can handle troubled situation.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“I stick to a job and dont stop until it's done which means that i would be able to help on flight and handle all of my orders without slacking off. I am able to solve problems very fast and can handle troubled situation.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Why i should be chosen to accompany the astronauts on the next space flight. I would be good asset to the space flight. I know some things about the planets. I think it would be a great learning experience. I would

like to go into outer space. i would like to go on whatever project they are going on. it has been life long dream for me to go to outer space.

also i would to be like the former space expoler john glenn. he was a very good person. he looked liked

he enjoyed it. he said "it was a good experience and i would do it again. "and indeed he did. in "199" he went back up in the shuttle .also. iwould like be to just like all the others who had ventured into space. and

that why I should be chosen to in to outer space.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning and few parts of the task are completed. The writer makes a minimal attempt at stating a position. Notably, he/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer provides a minimally stated opinion about the issue. (“Why i should be chosen to accompany the astronauts on the next space flight. I would be good asset to the space flight. I know some things about the planets. I think it would be a great learning experience. I would like to go into outer space.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“also i would to be like the former space expoler john glenn. he was a very good person. he looked liked he enjoyed it. he said ‘it was a good experience and i would do it again. ‘and indeed he did. in ‘199’ he went back up in the shuttle .also.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support his/her thesis, which is minimally stated. (“I would like to go into outer space. i would like to go on whatever project they are going on. it has been life long dream for me to go to outer space.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the stated position. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing views, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

Minimal evidence is used to explain or support the writer’s opinion. (“I would be good asset to the space flight. I know some things about the planets. I think it would be a great learning experience. I would like to go into outer space. i would like to go on whatever project they are going on.”)

Because the writer’s response to the task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“also i would to be like the former space expoler john glenn. he was a very good person. he looked liked he enjoyed it. he said ‘it was a good experience and i would do it again. ‘and indeed he did. in ‘199 " he went back up in the shuttle .”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details would result in an essay with a variety of evidence to support the writer’s position. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same statements throughout the essay. (“I know some things about the planets. I think it would be a great learning experience. I would like to go into outer space. i would like to go on whatever project they are going on. it has been life long dream for me to go to outer space.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates minimal organization. The writer provides minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Why i should be chosen to accompany the astronauts on the next space flight. I would be good asset to the space flight. I know some things about the planets. I think it would be a great learning experience. ”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that effectively reflect his/her stance on the position. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“I would like to go into outer space. i would like to go on whatever project they are going on. it has been life long dream for me to go to outer space. also i would to be like the former space expoler john glenn. he was a very good person.”)

The essay does not demonstrate a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“iwould like be to just like all the others who had ventured into space. and that why I should be chosen to in to outer space.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits a minimal use of descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to present the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. Incorporating more persuasive word choice into the essay would result in a more effective argument. (“Why i should be chosen to accompany the astronauts on the next space flight. I would be good asset to the space flight. ”)

Sentences are not well structured. The writer employs short, choppy sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“also i would to be like the former space expoler john glenn. he was a very good person. he looked liked he enjoyed it. he said ‘it was a good experience and i would do it again. ‘and indeed he did. in ‘199’ he went back up in the shuttle .”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice when asserting that he/she should be selected for the space shuttle mission. (“iwould like be to just like all the others who had ventured into space. and that why I should be chosen to in to outer space.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It shows patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with communication of the message.

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are short, choppy fragments, and there are several errors in syntax. (“also i would to be like the former space expoler john glenn. he was a very good person. he looked liked he enjoyed it. he said ‘it was a good experience and i would do it again. ‘and indeed he did. in ‘199’ he went back up in the shuttle .also.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that I would be the best person you could take to space every since I was 5 years old i wanted to be

an astronaut. I have evey book on astronauts and space that i have every seen. I mean i love astronauts so much that evey Halloween I have been a diffrent astronaut my mom says that I need to stop thinking about it I wiil do anything if you all pick me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning and satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer makes almost no effort to state an opinion and little attempt is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s opinion but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers. The writer merely focuses on his/her interest in being an astronaut. (“I mean i love astronauts so much that evey Halloween I have been a diffrent astronaut my mom says that I need to stop thinking about it I wiil do anything if you all pick me.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ I have evey book on astronauts and space that i have every seen. I mean i love astronauts so much… ”)

From the beginning, the purpose and intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I think that I would be the best person you could take to space every since I was 5 years old i wanted to be an astronaut. I have evey book on astronauts and space that i have every seen.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides inadequate content and development. He/she makes little attempt to use details for support . Additionally, he/she does not consider the readers’ opposing views.

The essay does not include details that support the writer's opinion. (“I think that I would be the best person you could take to space every since I was 5 years old i wanted to be an astronaut.”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas or body paragraphs in the essay. (“I think that I would be the best person you could take to space every since I was 5 years old i wanted to be an astronaut. I have evey book on astronauts and space that i have every seen. I mean i love astronauts so much that evey Halloween I have been a diffrent astronaut my mom says that I need to stop thinking about it I wiil do anything if you all pick me.”) Additionally, there are not at least three main ideas that support the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states that he/she has always been interested in being an astronaut. (“I have evey book on astronauts and space that i have every seen. I mean i love astronauts so much that evey Halloween I have been a diffrent astronaut my mom says that I need to stop thinking about it I wiil do anything if you all pick me.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates inadequate organization of ideas. The writer provides no evidence of a unified structure. No recognizable introduction or conclusion is evident as well. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not pose a question, exclamation, or interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think that I would be the best person you could take to space every since I was 5 years old i wanted to be an astronaut.”)

Transitional words are not used to make connections between ideas. (“ I have evey book on astronauts and space that i have every seen. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument or leaves readers with something to think about or do. (“I mean i love astronauts so much that evey Halloween I have been a diffrent astronaut my mom says that I need to stop thinking about it I wiil do anything if you all pick me.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not employ effective use of language, voice, or style. The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are not structured well. (“I think that I would be the best person you could take to space every since I was 5 years old i wanted to be an astronaut.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. He/she provides irrelevant information and, notably, neglects to address opposing points of view, leaving the argument insufficient at best. (“ I have evey book on astronauts and space that i have every seen. ”)

The style of writing is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to argue his/her position, the writer’s voice is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“I mean i love astronauts so much that evey Halloween I have been a diffrent astronaut my mom says that I need to stop thinking about it I wiil do anything if you all pick me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“I mean i love astronauts so much that evey Halloween I have been a diffrent astronaut my mom says that I need to stop thinking about it I wiil do anything if you all pick me.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Spending Money

Some parents believe that children should earn their own spending money by helping out around the home. Others believe that children should receive an allowance and should not be required to earn their spending money. Should children be required to earn their spending money or should they receive an allowance to obtain their spending money?

Write an essay persuading parents to accept your opinion on whether or not children should have to earn their own spending money.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"Hey, do you want to go to the mall with me and Jennifer this weekend?"

"Sorry, I didn't do my chores, so I didn't get any allowance this week." After hearing this conversation, some parents might say that kids should get allowance without having to do any work, not earning the money. I strongly believe that kids should have to earn their money, not just have it handed to them. They will be better prepared for the life ahead of them, more things would get done, and kids would appreciate all parents do for them. Children shouldn't get handed money for not completing any work.

When I start my new job at the mall, are they just going to mail me money right away? The answer is no, I have to work hard and be on time in order to get paid. To get money in the real world, you have to spend time on something and actually try. If the kids of today are taught to accept money that they didn't move a muscle for, how do we expect them to succeed in the future? Also, when handed money you didn't work for, you are more likely to spend it. If I got five hundred dollars handed to me, I'd go buy myself a new iPad. If I had earned that money, however, I would be less lenient towards spending it. I would want to save up to buy something better, or to be proud of how hard I worked to earn that money. Lastly, you don't get good grades in school for not completing any work. You have to study, work hard, and earn them. I believe working hard to earn allowance would reinforce that idea. Kids will be set for their future if we teach them how to earn things, not take what they don't deserve.

"Kids, clean the kitchen and fold the clothes before I get home from work, okay?"

"Uh huh, sure mom." When mom gets home from work she expects clean dishes, folded laundry, and things to look nice around the house. When footsteps fall into a messy home that looks worse than when she left, she will be angry. Not giving allowance when those chores aren't done could be a great solution. When kids get allowance without working, nothing gets done. A beautiful house won't look as clean, and a working kid gets lazy. Babysitting your little sister may not go as smoothly without an incentive to go with it. Also, when a bad report card is brought home, everybody is confused why? An honor student is receiving not-so-good grades because the grades weren't rewarded anymore. She was given the cash anyway, so what's the point in trying in school anymore, right? Wrong. Education is very important to a kid's life, and should be cherished. Kids don't feel as proud about their outstanding good grades as much if you don't reward them. If you give money when chores are done and good grades are reported, family and school will have higher values, and more things will get done.

Most children today don't appreciate all the work their parents or guardians do for them. When kids actually have to work for their money, they will better understand what you go through. Some would argue that kids shouldn't have to take time out of their own day and know what it's like to work, but they're not seeing the big picture. What's the point of hiding kids from something that will one day be a big part of their life? When parents have to cook, clean, and take care of multiple kids they know that it's a lot of work. Children taking over some of these daily jobs will help them to better appreciate what you go through, and they'd be more willing to help. When kids get money for doing their household chores, they will appreciate your work and help you through it.

"Now can you go to the mall?"

"Yeah, I did my chores and learned how to work for money and it wasn't just handed to me for not completing any work." This child didn't get handed their money, therefore they are better prepared for the long future ahead of them. Also, more things around the house will get done and your child will appreciate all of the nice things you do for them. Having a talk with your parent or guardian could help balance out your life with these big decisions. I strongly believe that kids should have to earn their money, not just get it handed to them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“'Hey, do you want to go to the mall with me and Jennifer this weekend?' …'Sorry, I didn't do my chores, so I didn't get any allowance this week.' After hearing this conversation, some parents might say that kids should get allowance without having to do any work, not earning the money. I strongly believe that kids should have to earn their money, not just have it handed to them.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“When I start my new job at the mall, are they just going to mail me money right away? The answer is no, I have to work hard and be on time in order to get paid. To get money in the real world, you have to spend time on something and actually try. If the kids of today are taught to accept money that they didn't move a muscle for, how do we expect them to succeed in the future? Also, when handed money you didn't work for, you are more likely to spend it. If I got five hundred dollars handed to me, I'd go buy myself a new iPad. If I had earned that money, however, I would be less lenient towards spending it.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of whether or not children should have to earn their spending money . The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some would argue that kids shouldn't have to take time out of their own day and know what it's like to work, but they're not seeing the big picture. What's the point of hiding kids from something that will one day be a big part of their life? When parents have to cook, clean, and take care of multiple kids they know that it's a lot of work. Children taking over some of these daily jobs will help them to better appreciate what you go through, and they'd be more willing to help.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“When I start my new job at the mall, are they just going to mail me money right away? The answer is no, I have to work hard and be on time in order to get paid. To get money in the real world, you have to spend time on something and actually try.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“When mom gets home from work she expects clean dishes, folded laundry, and things to look nice around the house. When footsteps fall into a messy home that looks worse than when she left, she will be angry. Not giving allowance when those chores aren't done could be a great solution. When kids get allowance without working, nothing gets done.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“'Hey, do you want to go to the mall with me and Jennifer this weekend?' …'Sorry, I didn't do my chores, so I didn't get any allowance this week.' After hearing this conversation, some parents might say that kids should get allowance without having to do any work, not earning the money. I strongly believe that kids should have to earn their money, not just have it handed to them.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to start off,” “moving along,” “arguably,” and “in conclusion” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Most children today don't appreciate all the work their parents or guardians do for them. When kids actually have to work for their money, they will better understand what you go through. Some would argue…”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“'Yeah, I did my chores and learned how to work for money and it wasn't just handed to me for not completing any work.' This child didn't get handed their money, therefore they are better prepared for the long future ahead of them. Also, more things around the house will get done and your child will appreciate all of the nice things you do for them. Having a talk with your parent or guardian could help balance out your life with these big decisions. I strongly believe that kids should have to earn their money, not just get it handed to them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“I believe working hard to earn allowance would reinforce that idea. Kids will be set for their future if we teach them how to earn things, not take what they don't deserve.”)

The writer uses effective word choices to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I strongly believe that kids should have to earn their money, not just have it handed to them. They will be better prepared for the life ahead of them, more things would get done, and kids would appreciate all parents do for them. Children shouldn't get handed money for not completing any work.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“When I start my new job at the mall, are they just going to mail me money right away? The answer is no, I have to work hard and be on time in order to get paid.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“When parents have to cook, clean, and take care of multiple kids they know that it's a lot of work. Children taking over some of these daily jobs will help them to better appreciate what you go through, and they'd be more willing to help. When kids get money for doing their household chores, they will appreciate your work and help you through it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. Each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“'Kids, clean the kitchen and fold the clothes before I get home from work, okay?' …'Uh huh, sure mom.' When mom gets home from work she expects clean dishes, folded laundry, and things to look nice around the house.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Earning Spending Money

Money, we all love it. Although, how we receive it can have a huge impact on how we use it. Many parents give their children allowance money even though they did nothing to earn it. As the child gets older they might think that it is okay to take money from people from doing nothing. To prevent this from happening, the parent must have their child earn their spending money. Having the child earn spending money can help in many ways. The child can help around the house, won't become spoiled, and teaches a child to be more responsible.

Many parents struggle to do a lot of work around the house. Having a child working for their spending money can have the child doing their chores. Usually, a child would do work if there is a prize in the end. Having allowance in hand would have the child helping out all the time. This can also prevent a child from being lazy. The parents would no longer be so tired by having to do a lot of work. Having a child do chores around the house could train them to be more responsible, for when they are older and living on their own.

If a parent just gives a child allowance, this can cause the child to be more spoiled. It can also make the child think that it is okay to just take money from people. A parent just giving money to a child would have the child expecting money every week or so. If the parent is having financial issues and cannot provide an allowance for a child, the child can throw a fit. To keep this from happening, the parent should have the money be earned. The child would be expecting people to give them money even though they have done nothing to deserve it.

Some people may think that a child should not be working to gain money because they are too young. Even though a child can be too young to do work, they can earn the money by doing simple chores. A very young child would not even need money to buy things. They would start to need money when they start to go to school and need to buy lunch. That is a time when a child is mature enough to do chores.

In conclusion, a child should have to earn allowance rather than just receiving it. Earning the money would have the child help around the house and become a more responsible person. It would help the child become less spoiled and less lazy. Earning allowance would benefit both a parent and a child.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position to persuade readers about the issue of whether or not children should have to earn their spending money. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Money, we all love it. Although, how we receive it can have a huge impact on how we use it. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Having the child earn spending money can help in many ways. The child can help around the house, won't become spoiled, and teaches a child to be more responsible. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Many parents struggle to do a lot of work around the house. Having a child working for their spending money can have the child doing their chores. ”)

Content & Development

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people may think that a child should not be working to gain money because they are too young. Even though a child can be too young to do work, they can earn the money by doing simple chores. A very young child would not even need money to buy things. ”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“Many parents struggle to do a lot of work around the house. Having a child working for their spending money can have the child doing their chores. Usually, a child would do work if there is a prize in the end. Having allowance in hand would have the child helping out all the time. This can also prevent a child from being lazy. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“If a parent just gives a child allowance, this can cause the child to be more spoiled. It can also make the child think that it is okay to just take money from people. A parent just giving money to a child would have the child expecting money every week or so. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Having the child earn spending money can help in many ways. The child can help around the house, won't become spoiled, and teaches a child to be more responsible. ”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Money, we all love it. Although, how we receive it can have a huge impact on how we use it. Many parents give their children allowance money even though they did nothing to earn it. As the child gets older they might think that it is okay to take money from people from doing nothing. To prevent this from happening, the parent must have their child earn their spending money. Having the child earn spending money can help in many ways. The child can help around the house, won't become spoiled, and teaches a child to be more responsible. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, a child should have to earn allowance rather than just receiving it. Earning the money would have the child help around the house and become a more responsible person. It would help the child become less spoiled and less lazy. Earning allowance would benefit both a parent and a child. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“To keep this from happening, the parent should have the money be earned. The child would be expecting people to give them money even though they have done nothing to deserve it. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (like "and," "or," "but," "for," "nor," "so," "yet," etc.) or by adding more details. (“Earning the money would have the child help around the house and become a more responsible person. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Some people may think that a child should not be working to gain money because they are too young. Even though a child can be too young to do work, they can earn the money by doing simple chores. ”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, have a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and end with appropriate punctuation marks. Paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Having the child earn spending money can help in many ways. The child can help around the house, won't become spoiled, and teaches a child to be more responsible. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Money should be a privilege to children, and it should not simply be handed to them. So should children have to help around the house for their money? As a child, who earns her spending money it is important that when money is earned parents check in to make sure kids don't waste their money and help prepare them for the future. In response, children should earn spending money.

The first reason why kids should gain their money is that parents will have more control. For example, children will want to help more around the house so that they will receive money. Plus, they will not become spoiled because things are not simply handed to them. If they are helping more in the abode they wont be out, and parents won't have to worry about were their kids are. In addition it teaches them responsibility.

Another reason why children should earn their money is that it educates them for the future. As parents it is crucial that youre teaching your children good habits for when their adults, like working in order to obtain money. As adults you have many more tasks than as a kid so if you start doing chores in the house it will prepare your children. Also, if children start to be more active at home they wont become lazy.

Some parents may state that it is to much pressure for kids. After genuine work, kids will appreciate money. If you are simply giving money to a child they will spend it on useless things, but if they are helping around the house in order to earn it they will spend it wisely.

Children should be required to work for their money it gives control to parents, kids don't waste there money, and it prepares them for when they will be adults. Please parents make sure money is earned.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay satisfies many parts of the task. The writer establishes an opinion about whether or not children should have to earn their spending money and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“In response, children should earn spending money.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The first reason why kids should gain their money is that parents will have more control. For example, children will want to help more around the house so that they will receive money.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely, if at all, uses slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“As parents it is crucial that youre teaching your children good habits for when their adults, like working in order to obtain money.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support his/her position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. To make the essay more convincing, the writer needs to incorporate more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate the main ideas.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Another reason why children should earn their money is that it educates them for the future. As parents it is crucial that youre teaching your children good habits for when their adults, like working in order to obtain money. As adults you have many more tasks than as a kid so if you start doing chores in the house it will prepare your children.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The first reason why kids should gain their money is that parents will have more control. For example, children will want to help more around the house so that they will receive money.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses counterpoints, and in this case, the writer needs to devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for opposing viewpoints. For example, the writer could integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some parents may state that it is to much pressure for kids. After genuine work, kids will appreciate money. If you are simply giving money to a child they will spend it on useless things, but if they are helping around the house in order to earn it they will spend it wisely.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. The response demonstrates a generally unified structure with an identifiable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Money should be a privilege to children, and it should not simply be handed to them. So should children have to help around the house for their money? As a child, who earns her spending money it is important that when money is earned parents check in to make sure kids don't waste their money and help prepare them for the future. In response, children should earn spending money.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“The first reason why kids should gain their money is that parents will have more control. … Another reason why children should earn their money is that it educates them for the future.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Children should be required to work for their money it gives control to parents, kids don't waste there money, and it prepares them for when they will be adults. Please parents make sure money is earned.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“The first reason why kids should gain their money is that parents will have more control. For example, children will want to help more around the house so that they will receive money. Plus, they will not become spoiled because things are not simply handed to them.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Another reason why children should earn their money is that it educates them for the future. As parents it is crucial that youre teaching your children good habits for when their adults, like working in order to obtain money.”)

In the response, the writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments. (“Children should be required to work for their money it gives control to parents, kids don't waste there money, and it prepares them for when they will be adults.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, have a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and end with appropriate punctuation marks. Paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“ Also, if children start to be more active at home they wont become lazy.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

KIDS SPENDING MONEY

I think that childern should get an allowance. I had to earn there spending money they woulg not have time for importent things like homework. We had to earn money to spend our grades would go down. kid want thing. They need money to buy things. instead of studing they will be tring to get money. School takes alot of effert. kids are have problems with school. Why gave them more problems to worry about? kids can not clean that well anyway.

kids need money to buy school things. The parents should gave them everything they need. kids have a lot of thing to worry about. Trying to earn money is stestful to kids. my parents give me all my school needs so i dont stress. That does not mean they should to work for there money. There are many things I can say about this subject. telling kids to work for there money is like telling them to get a job.

The kids should just go to school and learn. It is the parents job to earn money, not the childs. Some parents thing that making kids to chors to earn money is a good idea. It is not a good idea. Kids do not want to do chors. Making them do things aroumd the house to earn money will make them resent there parents and not like them. It is better for the childeren not to earn there own money. that conculed my essay.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion about whether or not children should have to earn their spending money , but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in its supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I think that childern should get an allowance. I had to earn there spending money they woulg not have time for importent things like homework. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to convey the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but he/she does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“kids need money to buy school things. The parents should gave them everything they need. kids have a lot of thing to worry about. Trying to earn money is stestful to kids. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers, but the essay is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“ The kids should just go to school and learn. It is the parents job to earn money, not the childs. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on whether or not children should have to earn their spending money . The writer does attempt to address readers, but he/she does not integrate counterarguments into the response.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some parents thing that making kids to chors to earn money is a good idea. It is not a good idea. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“my parents give me all my school needs so i dont stress. ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for not having to earn his/her own spending money, it is not an effective support for the argument .

The writer needs to include details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for why children shouldn't have to earn their spending money, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“ Kids do not want to do chors. Making them do things aroumd the house to earn money will make them resent there parents and not like them. It is better for the childeren not to earn there own money. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the response is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure (with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, as well as the use of paragraphing), but it lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay is limited in its attempt to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction. In this case, the writer simply states that children should be handed money instead of having to work for it. (“ I think that childern should get an allowance. I had to earn there spending money they woulg not have time for importent things like homework. ”)

Transitions are not included between sentences or paragraphs. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“kids need money to buy school things. The parents should gave them everything they need. kids have a lot of thing to worry about. Trying to earn money is stestful to kids. my parents give me all my school needs so i dont stress. ”) The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find examples of more effective transitions.

The essay lacks a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate key arguments, leave readers with something to think about, or tell readers what they should do next. (“It is better for the childeren not to earn there own money. that conculed my essay.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the response. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The essay exhibits limited use of descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“The kids should just go to school and learn. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the response. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“I had to earn there spending money they woulg not have time for importent things like homework. We had to earn money to spend our grades would go down. kid want thing. They need money to buy things. instead of studing they will be tring to get money. School takes alot of effert. kids are have problems with school. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “kids.” (“kids can not clean that well anyway. …kids need money to buy school things. The parents should gave them everything they need. kids have a lot of thing to worry about. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and ends with a punctuation mark. Words should be spelled correctly. (“ Trying to earn money is stestful to kids. my parents give me all my school needs so i dont stress. ”)

The writer should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Well I think bolth because kids should every once in a while get a few dollars just for having a good attitude.

And kids should get money for doing chores around the house because fi you do work don't you wanna get paid. It's like if you got a job and worked and they didnt pay you youd proaboly quit. But if a job pays you you are most likely going to stay at that job because you are earning money so yes I think that kids who work and for having a good attitude should be able to get free money. And if you do alot of extra chores or if you even go and rake or moe your lawn and you werent supposed to you should get extra money because if your parents ask you to do a certain amout of chores and you do extra that cost extra for your parents as well.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position about whether or not children should have to earn their spending money. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ Well I think bolth because kids should every once in a while get a few dollars just for having a good attitude. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ And kids should get money for doing chores around the house because fi you do work don't you wanna get paid. It's like if you got a job and worked and they didnt pay you youd proaboly quit. But if a job pays you you are most likely going to stay at that job because you are earning money so yes I think that kids who work and for having a good attitude should be able to get free money. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“Well I think bolth because kids should every once in a while get a few dollars just for having a good attitude. … And kids should get money for doing chores around the house because fi you do work don't you wanna get paid. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince readers of his/her stance on whether or not children should have to earn their spending money. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, resulting in an essay that is one-sided and minimally developed at best.

Because the writer’s response to the task is minimal, the essay does not include the minimum of three main ideas as evidence. The writer needs to include each main idea as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ And if you do alot of extra chores or if you even go and rake or moe your lawn and you werent supposed to you should get extra money because if your parents ask you to do a certain amout of chores and you do extra that cost extra for your parents as well. ”)

Details are minimal and insufficient to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view about whether or not children should have to earn their spending money. (“ Well I think bolth because kids should every once in a while get a few dollars just for having a good attitude. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details may include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details would result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same idea throughout the essay. (“ But if a job pays you you are most likely going to stay at that job because you are earning money so yes I think that kids who work and for having a good attitude should be able to get free money. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Well I think bolth because kids should every once in a while get a few dollars just for having a good attitude. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Well I think bolth because kids should every once in a while get a few dollars just for having a good attitude. …And kids should get money for doing chores around the house because fi you do work don't you wanna get paid.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“ And if you do alot of extra chores or if you even go and rake or moe your lawn and you werent supposed to you should get extra money because if your parents ask you to do a certain amout of chores and you do extra that cost extra for your parents as well. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits few descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would be able to create a more effective argument. (“And if you do alot of extra chores or if you even go and rake or moe your lawn and you werent supposed to you should get extra money… ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“And if you do alot of extra chores or if you even go and rake or moe your lawn and you werent supposed to you should get extra money because if your parents ask you to do a certain amout of chores and you do extra that cost extra for your parents as well. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of whether or not children should have to earn their spending money. (“Well I think bolth because kids should every once in a while get a few dollars just for having a good attitude.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization. There are several run-on sentences, errors in subject-verb agreement, and misspelled words. (“ It's like if you got a job and worked and they didnt pay you youd proaboly quit. ”)

The writer should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I believe that parents should not give you money. You should have to work for money. You should have to earn your money. By working hard.

I thenk that they should not give you money because it teaches you a lesson. You take care of the money better. The kids who have to ask for money have financil literacy than those who get allowances.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort to state an opinion about the argument presented, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but it fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of whether or not children should have to earn their spending money. The writer merely focuses on the idea that children should work hard. (“You should have to work for money. You should have to earn your money. By working hard.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ I thenk that they should not give you money because it teaches you a lesson. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not effective. (“ I believe that parents should not give you money. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of whether or not children should have to earn their spending money. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I thenk that they should not give you money because it teaches you a lesson. ”)

Because the response is so brief, no main ideas are present in body paragraphs in the essay. (“I thenk that they should not give you money because it teaches you a lesson. You take care of the money better. The kids who have to ask for money have financil literacy than those who get allowances. ”) The essay also lacks the minimum of three main ideas as supports for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how parents shouldn't give money to their children. (“I believe that parents should not give you money. You should have to work for money. You should have to earn your money. By working hard. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I believe that parents should not give you money. ”)

Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The response is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“ I thenk that they should not give you money because it teaches you a lesson. ”)

The essay lacks a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“ The kids who have to ask for money have financil literacy than those who get allowances. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the response. The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choices, major errors in sentence structure and usage, and no awareness of audience.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases that describe the opinion statement effectively. (“You should have to work for money. You should have to earn your money. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed within the essay to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to learn additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe people, opinions, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. (“The kids who have to ask for money have financil literacy than those who get allowances. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ I thenk that they should not give you money because it teaches you a lesson. You take care of the money better. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indicated with the use of line breaks, and words should be spelled correctly. (“ I thenk that they should not give you money because it teaches you a lesson. ”)

The writer should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

State Tests and Retention Policy

Statewide tests are administered towards the end of the school year in order to evaluate whether the students in the state have learned all that was expected in multiple core subjects during that school year. In some states, students are held back another year based on whether or not the students performed up to a certain level.

Imagine that your State Department of Education has decided that students who score less than 50 percent correct on the state test will be retained (held back) next year. What is your opinion on this policy? Write a persuasive essay to your state representative persuading him or her that students should or should not be retained based on performance on the state test.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I do think that the state tests and retention policy is an excellent idea for the ABC Unified School District . This is my opinion because every year students work hard and stress over these test just to prove that they can make the best of themselves and to find how everything that he or she learns can really pay off in life; by failing it will prove that he or she did not pay close enough attention in class, and to their teachers to, at least, get an average score. Holding students back a grade because he or she recieved a score below the fifty percent average can be a good idea for the student who fails because they would get another chance to relearn the subjects that he or she did not try their best on. I believe that retaining students who score under the average of fifty percent on the state test should be a rule for our district because by letting the student pass to the next grade level the student would not fully understand all of the subjects that he or she is required to know and would not understand the hardwork, studying, and learning it takes to be promoted a grade higher. These are the reasons why I think that the students who score less than fifty percent on the state test should be retained for the next year.

There are countless amounts of students, both male and female, that try their best on the state tests and work hard throughout the whole year so they would recieve an above average score, but there are also numerous amounts of students that do not pay attention in class and to teacher. By scoring lower than fifty percent on the state tests the test would be evidence to the student, teacher, and class that proves that the student did not work hard, pay attention, or listen to the teacher during class to even recieve a decent score on the final test. Everyday teachers spend their time teaching their classes a subject in which the student is required to know. Students, I believe, work hard throughout these years of school learning all of those requirements and once they reach the end of that school year they are tested on those areas. What I think is that if students did not pay attention throughout all of those long and work filled days they will fail the final test which sums up all of the data and information that they are supposed to know to pass that grade level.

All every student desires is to pass school with a great grade and the knowing that he or she tried his or her best in all of the work that they did and is able to remember all of the subjects needed for the following year. If a student fails the state wide tests that are taken after every year of school I do think that they should get retained for several reasons. I believe, that if a student does fail the state tests at the end of the year that he or she should get held back because it would be another chance for the student to go and relearn all of the data and subjects that a student is required to know for the following year. By retaining a student he or she will be able to relearn all of the topics that he or she fail of learning in the past year. That is why I think that students should be retained if they fail the state wide test.

I know that the administration of our district might think that we should not have this policy stating that students who do not reach the average score of fifty percent and above should be retain for various reasons. One reason might be because the student already spent the whole year learning all of the required subjects and that he or she should not have to be forced to relearn all of his or her past experiences. Another reason that our school district administration might believe that this policy should not pass is since they know that each and every individual person has tried his or her best in taking the state test and if they did not pass then they will try harder in the following year that the test is given. These are the reasons of why I think that the administration of our district might think that the state tests and retention policy is a bad idea for our schools.

The administration of the ABC Unified School District might think that the state tests and retention policy is not a good idea but I do think that it is a great for our schools. First, I think that it is a good idea because by holding back the student he or she would get another chance to experience all of the topics that the student did not fully understand. I also think that retaining a student if they get a score of fifty percent and below is a good idea because the student will help the student, again, get ready for the next grade level. Another reason I think that this should be a policy is since be letting a student pass to the next level if he or she failed the state test the student would not even understand everything they will be learning in the next grade level. These are the reasons of why I think that a student should be held back if they failed the state test and of why I think that this should be our district policy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates a very effective focus and meaning. The author establishes a strong and effective thesis statement in the introduction. (“I am, Kristy Ackerman, a student of Tetzlaff Middle School in Cerritos , California , and I do think that the state tests and retention policy is an excellent idea for the ABC Unified School District . This is my opinion because every year students work hard and stress over these test just to prove that they can make the best of themselves and to find how everything that he or she learns can really pay off in life; by failing it will prove that he or she did not pay close enough attention in class, and to their teachers to, at least, get an average score.”) This position is comprehensively developed and maintained throughout the response, successfully persuading the intended audience.

Content & Development

In the development of the argument, the author supports and elaborates on several critical reasons that support the state retention policy. For example, in the third paragraph, the author explains the benefits of retaining students who aren’t prepared for the subsequent grade. (“I believe, that if a student does fail the state tests at the end of the year that he or she should get held back because it would be another chance for the student to go and relearn all of the data and subjects that a student is required to know for the following year.”) Additionally, the student addresses important counterarguments, which only prove to strengthen her own position. (“I know that the administration of our district might think that we should not have this policy stating that students who do not reach the average score of fifty percent and above should be retain for various reasons. One reason might be because the student already spent the whole year learning all of the required subjects and that he or she should not have to be forced to relearn all of his or her past experiences.”)

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized. The introduction engages the reader by persuasively explaining her position. (“I believe that retaining students who score under the average of fifty percent on the state test should be a rule for our district because by letting the student pass to the next grade level the student would not fully understand all of the subjects that he or she is required to know and would not understand the hardwork, studying, and learning it takes to be promoted a grade higher.”) Each body paragraph begins with a structured topic sentence and continues to remain focused throughout. The conclusion effectively summarizes and reiterates the author’s main ideas, leaving the reader with something to think about. (“I think that it is a good idea because by holding back the student he or she would get another chance to experience all of the topics that the student did not fully understand.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed using appropriate and very effective language. Word choice is precise and effective, while sentence structure is correct and varied. (“What I think is that if students did not pay attention throughout all of those long and work filled days they will fail the final test which sums up all of the data and information that they are supposed to know to pass that grade level.”) Additionally, an appropriate and defined voice is exhibited at various points throughout the essay. (“This is my opinion because every year students work hard and stress over these test just to prove that they can make the best of themselves and to find how everything that he or she learns can really pay off in life”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Although not without errors, the mistakes in spelling (“recieved”), grammar (“I also think that retaining a student if they get a score of fifty percent and below is a good idea because the student will help the student, again, get ready for the next grade level.”), and punctuation are few and do not interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Retained?

Jonathon just heard from his mom that the SAT test scores for his essay. He runs to the mailbox and flips through the mail. He rips through the envelope and examines the paper. What a disappointment for him. In his opinion he thought that he did great on the essay. His percentage ended up being a 45%. Countless families wonder why the state would give their child such a grade. Many kids do not do well at meeting the states standards. On writing a student might get a “below average” on the SAT’s. On math, they may also get an “above average.” For reading and comprehension, a student might receive an “average” grade.

Most kids do not pay attention in class, which leads to doing bad on the state testing. Students should not get held back for receiving less than fifty percent on a state essay. One essay that the state hands out should not determine if a learner gets retained. Getting held back should count on the overall work that the student accomplishes. On the other hand, it might teach some kids a lesson; like to pay attention while the teachers are talking. Not one single essay should predict whether a scholar will get held back or not.

If one essay determined if a child would get held back or not, most children would not be placed in the grade that they are in today. A quantity of the kids may seem horrible at writing, but may sound like a math genius. Others don’t care about their school or their grades and just barely get by. Numerous kids work at a young age and don’t have the time to study or do homework. Other students love the social life of school but not the homework and working part. Then again, good students can get distracted and fall of the peak that they were climbing. Getting held back should be based on the overall grade.

A student’s language arts grade may not be that high, but all the other classes may be an A. All students have one good subject and one bad one. All the rest are just average. In my case, I am horrible at Language Arts and the best at Math. This situation is almost like a hero having a nemesis. It’s like math versus language arts and the Joker versus Batman. If all students were good at all subjects they would get through school faster. However, if a child gets retained they will know to do it better so they don’t get held back again.

Having a child retained can teach them a lesson or two. First of all they will be relearning the lessons they missed. Therefore they are sure to pass that grade as long as they pay attention. On the other hand a student can get held back a hundred times in the same grade and not learn a thing. Furthermore, if you push them on ahead they might wish they paid attention the other year and start to pay attention then. Scholars should not get held back for getting less than 50% correct on a test.

Students should not get held back for doing poorly on a state writing prompt. Getting held back should be determined on a students overall grade. However a student can learn a lesson from the situation. No student should get held back for these reasons.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay establishes a clear thesis designed to articulate the author’s opinion and convince the reader. (“Students should not get held back for receiving less than fifty percent on a state essay. One essay that the state hands out should not determine if a learner gets retained.”) Throughout the development of this essay, the thesis is successfully maintained and supported, which demonstrates the student’s ability to understand the purpose of this assignment. Most parts of this task are appropriately completed.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. For instance, in the second paragraph, the author states numerous reasons why students should be assessed based on their overall grades, not a single test. (“A quantity of the kids may seem horrible at writing, but may sound like a math genius…Then again, good students can get distracted and fall of the peak that they were climbing. Getting held back should be based on the overall grade.”) Additionally, the student offers valuable counterarguments. (“Having a child retained can teach them a lesson or two. First of all they will be relearning the lessons they missed. Therefore they are sure to pass that grade as long as they pay attention.”) However, the essay could be improved with further rebuttal of the counterarguments.

Organization

This essay constructs a mostly unified structure. The introductory paragraph quickly gains the reader’s interest. (“He runs to the mailbox and flips through the mail. He rips through the envelope and examines the paper. What a disappointment for him. In his opinion he thought that he did great on the essay. His percentage ended up being a 45%.”) Each body paragraph begins with a structured topic sentence and remains focused throughout. The conclusion adequately reiterates the author’s main points. (“Students should not get held back for doing poorly on a state writing prompt. Getting held back should be determined on a students overall grade. “)

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates good language use and style. Word choice and sentence structure are appropriate for this response. Additionally, evidence of voice is vividly seen throughout the essay. (“In my case, I am horrible at Language Arts and the best at Math. This situation is almost like a hero having a nemesis. It’s like math versus language arts and the Joker versus Batman. If all students were good at all subjects they would get through school faster. However, if a child gets retained they will know to do it better so they don’t get held back again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar (“Jonathon just heard from his mom that the SAT test scores for his essay.“) can be detected. It is obvious that this student has good control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My Opinion on the Retention Policy

Students that score less than fifty percent correct on the state test should be held back because if you receive less than fifty percent then you're failing the state test. And if you fail, that usually means that you get held back. Some people say that you can't base a person's knowlege on one test because they might be having a bad day or something. Well, they shouldn't have a bad day because since they know that they're having a test, they should be focused on the test and not be distracted by things that could turn their day into a bad one.

If they score lower than fifty percent, they must not have studied or something because it's really easy to get higher than fifty percent. Since it's so easy, I think that you should keep the person back because that means that they don't know what they need to know so they should try again. That way they will learn what they need to learn and receive a better score on the state test.

They also should be held back because they should actually study harder since it's the state test. That means that they should get a higher score than they normally would on a regular test. Also, they should eat a better breakfast so that they will have more brainpower.

I know a lot of kids that don't eat breakfast and get scores that would've been better if they had eaten a decent breakfast.

I think that students that receive lower than fifty percent should be held back because If they don't get held back, they could do worse the following year because they didn't know their stuff the year before. That is my opinion on the retention policy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. The author states his/her position at the beginning of the introductory paragraph. (“Students that score less than fifty percent correct on the state test should be held back because if you receive less than fifty percent then you're failing the state test.”) The author adequately attempts to persuade the audience with appropriate reasons and demonstrates a basic understanding of the assigned task.

Content & Development

While the author’s supporting arguments could be further developed, he/she does manage to use some specific and accurate details. For example, in the second paragraph, the author claims that it is easy to pass the state test and offers reasons that support the retention of students. (“Since it's so easy, I think that you should keep the person back because that means that they don't know what they need to know so they should try again. That way they will learn what they need to learn and receive a better score on the state test.”) The essay proceeds by arguing that students need to put more effort into such an important assessment. (“They also should be held back because they should actually study harder since it's the state test. That means that they should get a higher score than they normally would on a regular test.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introductory paragraph establishes the author’s position on the issues presented in the writing prompt and includes a clear controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“They also should be held back because they should actually study harder since it's the state test.”), but could be improved with more focus and additional transitional devices. The fourth paragraph seems out of place and would fit best as an addition to the third paragraph. The conclusion is noticeable and appropriately sums up the student’s main ideas. (“I think that students that receive lower than fifty percent should be held back because If they don't get held back, they could do worse the following year because they didn't know their stuff the year before.”)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates appropriate language use and writes in a style suitable for this task and grade level. (“Some people say that you can't base a person's knowlege on one test because they might be having a bad day or something. Well, they shouldn't have a bad day because since they know that they're having a test, they should be focused on the test and not be distracted by things that could turn their day into a bad one.”) Although word choice is occasionally repetitive (“I know a lot of kids that don't eat breakfast and get scores that would've been better if they had eaten a decent breakfast.”), most words selected are appropriate and precise. Sentences are correctly structured and exhibit some variety. (“If they don't get held back, they could do worse the following year because they didn't know their stuff the year before.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author displays adequate control of conventions and mechanics, even though there are some errors. These mistakes in spelling (“knowledge”), punctuation, and grammar don’t significantly interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

State test and reterntion policy

I think that students should not be held back, because of there scores. I don't agree because students could be 15 years old and be in the 7th grade or 8th grade. They could also be retained several times. They could repeat 7th grade about 2 or 3 times. It could be because of they distraction due to student different.

Some students don't understand big words but some kids only could learn the words by lissening them. Some test are hard to read, because they have big words. I don't agree because some people know how to do the test and some kids don't. Some students do the state test. Some students don't know how to read or answered the questions.

Its a bad idea because some students could drop out of school. Students should know the standard and know the language. I think is a bad idea, because you could do different things.

I think that students that get less than 50% on the test should not be held back, because they try to do good. Students get less than 50% that doesn't mean they didn't learn anything. I think that students have the possibility to drop out of school. Thats why students should not be held back.

Students should be focussed on what they do. So they could work more hard so they could learn more. Thats my reason that I sayed no.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author states a position (“I think that students should not be held back, because of there scores.”) and attempts to argue it. While the student’s position is clear, the argument itself is underdeveloped and lacks sufficient and adequate support. Therefore, this essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning and only completes some parts of the task.

Content & Development

The arguments in this essay are briefly and inconsistently developed. The author suggests several reasons to support his/her main idea but does not adequately develop them. For example, in the fourth paragraph, the author claims that students shouldn’t be held back because they try their best to do well. (“I think that students that get less than 50% on the test should not be held back, because they try to do good. Students get less than 50% that doesn't mean they didn't learn anything. I think that students have the possibility to drop out of school.”) Although this is a good supporting idea, it is not fully developed with sufficient examples and details, and some of the reasons offered are not directly relevant.

Organization

While this essay has a basic structure, it is rather limited in its organization. The introduction establishes the author’s position and offers some supporting reasons. However, it lacks a clear purpose and focus. Each body paragraph touches on the supporting arguments, but these paragraphs also lack structure. This could be remedied with clear topic sentences and transitional devices. The conclusion is uncertain because it does not clearly address the author’s controlling idea, and it is only three sentences long. (“Students should be focussed on what they do. So they could work more hard so they could learn more. Thats my reason that I sayed no.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited, but not wholly inappropriate, language use. Sentence structure is mostly appropriate (“I don't agree because students could be 15 years old and be in the 7th grade or 8th grade.”), but is occasionally confusing (“It could be because of they distraction due to student different.”) Word choice is appropriate but, at times, can be simple and repetitive. (“Some students do the state test. Some students don't know how to read or answered the questions.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This response demonstrates a limited control of the conventions of writing. Several errors in grammar (“I sayed no”), punctuation (“Thats why”), and spelling (“lissening “) are noticeable. However, for the most part, these mistakes do not substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why shouldn’t people be retained,because kids will know you got held back.they’ll make fun of you and tease you about it and you’ll be the oldest one in the class.you graduate in another year you’ll have to go to summer school.You’ll be bigger when there smaller. Just because you only got 50 percent doesn’t mean you have to get held back.You could get A’s in all subjects except you get F’s in science and get retained just for one F that’s not fair. I mean you bad on one subject.And very good in others.

Maybe you should still go to the next grade but not in honors.people shoudn’t get held back because they’ll be harassed by other students and get made fun of.And they’ll be sad.So you shoudn’t be held back.aa

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response makes little attempt to address the issue presented in the prompt, and does not demonstrate an understanding of the task. (“Why shouldn’t people be retained,because kids will know you got held back”) The author shows an inability to develop and maintain an argument. The essay is not persuasive because the response completes so few parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author’s position is incompletely and minimally argued. The essay lists only a few reasons to support the argument (“they’ll make fun of you and tease you about it and you’ll be the oldest one in the class.you graduate in another year you’ll have to go to summer school.You’ll be bigger when there smaller.”) but fails to develop them with appropriate details or examples. The essay displays only minimal content and development and, therefore, the ideas presented are not persuasively argued.

Organization

Little evidence of an organizational structure is detected in this brief response. While there are two paragraphs, it is hard to discern the characteristics of an introduction or a body within them. The second paragraph is quite short and lacks any proper structure or focus. At times, it repeats points made in the previous paragraph (“Maybe you should still go to the next grade but not in honors.people shoudn’t get held back because they’ll be harassed by other students and get made fun of.And they’ll be sad.”) and takes the tone of a concluding paragraph. However, it is obviously insufficient. The essay lacks organization, proper paragraphing, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The language use can be described as minimal because it is composed of problematic sentences. (“Why shouldn’t people be retained,because kids will know you got held back.they’ll make fun of you and tease you about it and you’ll be the oldest one in the class.”) Word choice is also poor and lacks precision. (“You’ll be bigger when there smaller.”) This response also lacks proper language use and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors in spelling (“shoudn’t”), punctuation (“oldest one in the class.you graduate in another year”), and grammar are easily detected in this essay. These mistakes bring into question the author’s ability to control the conventions of standard written English.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

State Tests and Retention Policy Dear representiative i think kids sould not be led back in 7 th gade if thier test sores are low . if they have good gades in class an good bleave it is bad to be led back again it really suck's cause other kids make fun of you an you get mad an you want to hit one of the kids makeing fun of you. I

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this response fails to complete any parts of the task. Although the author does attempt to state a position (“i think kids sould not be led back in 7 th gade if thier test sores are low”), the response is not developed or maintained. This demonstrates the author’s poor understanding of the task. No parts of this assignment are appropriately completed.

Content & Development

The essay fails to develop any effective arguments or provide support with details and examples. Inappropriate and irrelevant reasons are the only arguments offered. (“if they have good gades in class an good bleave it is bad to be led back again it really suck's cause other kids make fun of you an you get mad an you want to hit one of the kids makeing fun of you.”) The content isn’t cohesive or meaningful.

Organization

In the space of four lines, the reader can not discern any evidence of an organizational structure. The essay lacks an introduction, body paragraphs, transitional devices, and a conclusion. Thus, the essay is inadequately organized.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use and style are unclear and incoherent. (“it is bad to be led back again it really suck's cause other kids make fun of you an you get mad an you want to hit one of the kids makeing fun of you.”) Word choice and sentence structure contain major errors and are inadequate.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response demonstrates no control of the conventions of standard written English. The errors in mechanics, punctuation (“Dear representiative i think kids sould not be led back in 7 th gade if thier test sores are low”), spelling (“sould”), and grammar substantially detract from the author’s message.

Surveillance Cameras in Public Places

There is an ongoing debate over the use of surveillance cameras in public places. Some people feel that these cameras prevent crime, protect property, and ensure public safety. Others feel that the cameras violate an individual's right to privacy.

Write a multi-paragraph essay stating whether you agree or disagree with the use of surveillance cameras in public places. Be sure to use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

With the millions of people now inhabiting cities, keeping order and protecting the public need new methods. One such method would be for cameras to be installed in public areas. This would make criminals have a much harder time staying out of the detection of the police department. Not only will it lower crime rates, it would also create jobs, helping the economy. However, there are some that would argue differently.

Some may say that the installation of surveillance cameras in public places would be an invasion of people's privacy because they would unwillingly be watched; but, the reality of this is that when in a public place, what you do may be observed by others, and that public areas are not private to any one individual. Even if this was true, there are still more factors that would favor the installation of these cameras. With rising crime rates, something must be done to stop criminals from running rampant. The use of cameras would not only help catch criminals and discourage crime, but create jobs for many maintenance workers, helping the economy. Additionally, it would also make driving much safer, by stopping people from having dangerous driving habits. This obviously shows that the benefits greatly outweigh the problems that the cameras would bring, and that those who oppose the idea are most likely the people who are causing the problems in the first place.

The catching of criminals is not an easy thing for law enforcement, and the addition of security cameras would aid police departments all across the country. With security cameras, a criminal's face could be caught, helping for them to even be tracked after they committed a crime. This would allow a police officer to find and catch someone before they could cause more trouble. An example of the way an officer could use cameras to their advantage would be in a situation where someone robbed a bank. The officer could watch the footage of the criminal before they ever entered the bank, while they were still without a mask. They could see the robber's face, license plate, or even follow their movement back to their home and arrest them. This would greatly improve the efficiency of police officers. With the knowledge that other criminals are being caught easily, and that a crime would bring them to prison quickly, a criminal would be discouraged from even attempting their idea of criminal activity. These immoral people would feel as if an officer were watching over their shoulder, and would think twice about stealing, murdering, or committing other criminal acts. The effect of scaring criminals away would have just as an important impact on crime in the United States as catching them, or maybe even more. This would lower crime rates and stop problems before they even started.

Cameras would do even more than just help catch criminals, they would also create jobs. With the high unemployment rate in our country, the government is doing what it can to create jobs. With the addition of surveillance cameras into public places, more people would be hired for the maintenance and installation of the cameras. Along with installation and maintenance, there would also have to be new employees to watch the surveillance cameras and report activity to police officers; in turn, allowing for even more jobs. There would then be the fact that the cameras would be coming from somewhere. The government could purchase the cameras from local businesses, additionally helping the economy. Obviously, the installation of cameras would greatly help out all aspects of the economy, in more ways than one.

These advantages have probably already convinced you the value of cameras in public areas, but there is one more reason for them to be installed. The statistics on texting while driving shows it is as dangerous to be texting, as it is to be drunk. The average text takes a driver's eyes off the road for a few seconds. This may not sound like much, but when moving at sixty or even seventy miles per hour, a driver could move hundreds of feet, and could get in a car crash. People text while driving because they think that they can get away with it, and without cameras to catch them in the act, many do. However, if cameras are installed along roads, they can catch someone texting, and the driver could be fined. The knowledge of knowing that they could be caught would stop many people from texting, greatly reducing the chances that they will be in a car crash. This would make the roads much safer and protect pedestrians along with other drivers.

The installation of cameras in public places would only make improvements, and would cause little to no problems. They would help lower crime rates, help catch criminals, fix the economy, and make driving much safer. The safety of the roads, businesses, other civilians, and the economy would be greatly improved with the addition of these cameras. With all of this evidence supporting the placing of cameras in public areas, it is a wonder that they have not already been installed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects a thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, an insightful opinion, or a surprising fact. (“With the millions of people now inhabiting cities, keeping order and protecting the public need new methods. One such method would be for cameras to be installed in public areas. This would make criminals have a much harder time staying out of the detection of the police department. Not only will it lower crime rates, it would also create jobs, helping the economy. However, there are some that would argue differently.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The catching of criminals is not an easy thing for law enforcement, and the addition of security cameras would aid police departments all across the country. With security cameras, a criminal's face could be caught, helping for them to even be tracked after they committed a crime.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Cameras would do even more than just help catch criminals, they would also create jobs. With the high unemployment rate in our country, the government is doing what it can to create jobs. With the addition of surveillance cameras into public places, more people would be hired for the maintenance and installation of the cameras.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of surveillance cameras in public places . The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some may say that the installation of surveillance cameras in public places would be an invasion of people's privacy because they would unwillingly be watched; but, the reality of this is that when in a public place, what you do may be observed by others, and that public areas are not private to any one individual.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“An example of the way an officer could use cameras to their advantage would be in a situation where someone robbed a bank. The officer could watch the footage of the criminal before they ever entered the bank, while they were still without a mask. They could see the robber's face, license plate, or even follow their movement back to their home and arrest them.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; he/she does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“With the knowledge that other criminals are being caught easily, and that a crime would bring them to prison quickly, a criminal would be discouraged from even attempting their idea of criminal activity. These immoral people would feel as if an officer were watching over their shoulder, and would think twice about stealing, murdering, or committing other criminal acts.”)

Organization

The introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“With the millions of people now inhabiting cities, keeping order and protecting the public need new methods. One such method would be for cameras to be installed in public areas. This would make criminals have a much harder time staying out of the detection of the police department. Not only will it lower crime rates, it would also create jobs, helping the economy. However, there are some that would argue differently.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “additionally,” “in turn,” and “however” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Additionally, it would also make driving much safer, by stopping people from having dangerous driving habits. This obviously shows that the benefits greatly outweigh the problems that the cameras would bring, and that those who oppose the idea are most likely the people who are causing the problems in the first place.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“The safety of the roads, businesses, other civilians, and the economy would be greatly improved with the addition of these cameras. With all of this evidence supporting the placing of cameras in public areas, it is a wonder that they have not already been installed.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“There would then be the fact that the cameras would be coming from somewhere. The government could purchase the cameras from local businesses, additionally helping the economy. Obviously, the installation of cameras would greatly help out all aspects of the economy, in more ways than one.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Along with installation and maintenance, there would also have to be new employees to watch the surveillance cameras and report activity to police officers; in turn, allowing for even more jobs.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The effect of scaring criminals away would have just as an important impact on crime in the United States as catching them, or maybe even more. This would lower crime rates and stop problems before they even started.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“With the millions of people now inhabiting cities, keeping order and protecting the public need new methods. One such method would be for cameras to be installed in public areas. This would make criminals have a much harder time staying out of the detection of the police department.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Imagine Roger Van, a twenty one year old man who is casually walking on the street. Until, three middle aged men start beating him up for his money. Immediately pain shots up his body and leaves it to ache, but there was no witnesses who saw the act. As a result, Roger is shaken and horrified by what just happened to him since there were no witnesses to prove that this incident happened. Unfortunately, this type of situation happens everywhere to many people but have no facts, proof, or evidence. Indeed, surveillance cameras are useful and helpful because they benefit police officers or store owners, assures safety, and let people know what happening in their community or society.

One important consideration about surveillance cameras in public places is that they can benefit police officers or store owners to catch thieves, robberies, or criminals. This allows criminals or robberies to face their punishment and deserve it. For example, at every traffic light there will be surveillance cameras, but why? They have those surveillance cameras to provide assurance that no driver is recklessly driving; when you recklessly drive you can cause an accident. Also, it can be helpful to spot crimes and murders anywhere because cameras don't lie. Cameras in public place reduce crimes from happening to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

Furthermore, cameras in public places insure that everyone is safe and protected. This keeps everyone in mind of their safety and others, as well. For instance, people would be at peace. With security cameras around, the people you care about can be safe and sound without worrying about anything bad happening to you, your family, or your friends. Secondly, it can spot any suspicious act. If you saw someone acting guilty or doing something wrong you can report them with the proof and evidence from the cameras. Finally, it can be a way or protecting the public by causing no harm or violence to anyone such as children and young adults.

Moreover, it can let people know what's going on in your community, city, or state. As in it could not only benefit police with this fact, but also the people in the community. An illustration of this would be if there was a bank robbery and you didn't see it. How could you know that there was a robbery? Secondly, it could prevent unwanted incidents such as terrorist attacks. With surveillance cameras you can identify what's going on and what the problem or situation is about. Finally, if you are in a public place and people can see you, you don't have to worry about anything since you are not committing a crime. So, if you want privacy you have them since there are no cameras in the bathrooms, stalls, or dressing rooms.

In the final analysis, surveillance cameras in public places in a necessary idea; it benefits police officers or store owners, assures safety, and lets people know what's going on in their community. As a matter of fact, Roger wasn't severely injured although the scar of this memory still haunts him. The upside to it is that this incident had led the police to the victims, with the use of the security cameras to show them the exact details that was needed. Certainly, public places from all over the world should benefit of the usage of surveillance cameras. Therefore, all places in the United States should find the use of cameras in public places necessary and useful to the society.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of surveillance cameras in public places to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, a scenario, or a surprising fact. (“Imagine Roger Van, a twenty one year old man who is casually walking on the street. Until, three middle aged men start beating him up for his money. Immediately pain shots up his body and leaves it to ache, but there was no witnesses who saw the act. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“One important consideration about surveillance cameras in public places is that they can benefit police officers or store owners to catch thieves, robberies, or criminals. This allows criminals or robberies to face their punishment and deserve it. ”)

The thesis states what the writer believes about the issue. (“Indeed, surveillance cameras are useful and helpful because they benefit police officers or store owners, assures safety, and let people know what happening in their community or society. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. Readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments are clearly addressed.

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Furthermore, cameras in public places insure that everyone is safe and protected. This keeps everyone in mind of their safety and others, as well. For instance, people would be at peace. With security cameras around, the people you care about can be safe and sound without worrying about anything bad happening to you, your family, or your friends. ”)

Details are convincing. (“Finally, it can be a way or protecting the public by causing no harm or violence to anyone such as children and young adults. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Moreover, it can let people know what's going on in your community, city, or state. As in it could not only benefit police with this fact, but also the people in the community. An illustration of this would be if there was a bank robbery and you didn't see it. How could you know that there was a robbery? ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Indeed, surveillance cameras are useful and helpful because they benefit police officers or store owners, assures safety, and let people know what happening in their community or society. ”)

The introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Imagine Roger Van, a twenty one year old man who is casually walking on the street. Until, three middle aged men start beating him up for his money. Immediately pain shots up his body and leaves it to ache, but there was no witnesses who saw the act. As a result, Roger is shaken and horrified by what just happened to him since there were no witnesses to prove that this incident happened. ”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument concerning surveillance cameras in public places. (“Certainly, public places from all over the world should benefit of the usage of surveillance cameras. Therefore, all places in the United States should find the use of cameras in public places necessary and useful to the society. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Secondly, it can spot any suspicious act. If you saw someone acting guilty or doing something wrong you can report them with the proof and evidence from the cameras. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) to add more details. (“With surveillance cameras you can identify what's going on and what the problem or situation is about. Finally, if you are in a public place and people can see you, you don't have to worry about anything since you are not committing a crime. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“They have those surveillance cameras to provide assurance that no driver is recklessly driving; when you recklessly drive you can cause an accident. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Furthermore, cameras in public places insure that everyone is safe and protected. This keeps everyone in mind of their safety and others, as well. For instance, people would be at peace. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Would you like someone else to be hearing and watching everything you say and do in public places? Well unfortunately this is what surveillance cameras do. So do you think that having surveillance cameras in

public places is fair? Well, I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places. These, are the three reasons that I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places, they eliminate jobs, don't count for emergencies, and they invade people's privacy.

To begin, why I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places is because they eliminate jobs. It eliminates police officers' jobs, now technology is really advanced that they do the police officers' job! Instead of what a police officer would be doing, like catching drivers speeding, giving tickets, and catching people breaking the law, cameras do this! It eliminates security's jobs by doing what they do like catching people stealing or stopping a fight. Cameras catch people doing this. Cities would prefer to have surveillance cameras then to hire people to be there when they need help but they say it could earn money for other things.

Another example why I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places is that cameras can't tell when there's an emergency. An example is cameras can't tell whether someone is speeding to get away or someone speeding that has an emergency. So even though the person speeding to get to a hospital for something serious, they will still get ticket because cameras won't tell if it's an emergency or not. A second example is policemen who are monitoring the street cameras can see everything that's happening so if they see someone speeding they will pull them over, and while that happens an incident can occur. Last, if a person has a camera in his/her house they might think they're safe, but when there is an emergency it may help catching the criminal, but not stop the crime that's happening.

Most importantly the reason why I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places is because it invades people's privacy! Surveillance cameras, invade people's privacy because they can hear and see everything you say and do. For example in stores they have cameras in dressing rooms, which is kind of creepy for you to know that there is someone watching you behind cameras. Also surveillance cameras can catch you doing and saying things you wouldn't say or do in public. Another example is that many people feel awkward knowing that someone is watching you. The person that is monitoring the camera may be a criminal that is using camera to watch someone. Also many people claim its violation of the basic civil liberties.

To summarize, I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places. Not only do cameras eliminate jobs, but also they do not count for emergency and invades people's privacy. Many people all over the U.S. think that surveillance cameras should be illegal because of these reasons and many more. In addition, many people think that this is in violation of the basic civil liberties.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay and satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about the use of surveillance cameras in public places and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Well, I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places. These, are the three reasons that I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places, they eliminate jobs, don't count for emergencies, and they invade people's privacy.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Last, if a person has a camera in his/her house they might think they're safe, but when there is an emergency it may help catching the criminal, but not stop the crime that's happening.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for the audience. He/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“A second example is policemen who are monitoring the street cameras can see everything that's happening so if they see someone speeding they will pull them over, and while that happens an incident can occur.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most details are convincing. (“An example is cameras can't tell whether someone is speeding to get away or someone speeding that has an emergency. So even though the person speeding to get to a hospital for something serious, they will still get ticket because cameras won't tell if it's an emergency or not.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Surveillance cameras, invade people's privacy because they can hear and see everything you say and do. For example in stores they have cameras in dressing rooms, which is kind of creepy for you to know that there is someone watching you behind cameras.”)

Most details are clear, correct, and specific. (“Last, if a person has a camera in his/her house they might think they're safe, but when there is an emergency it may help catching the criminal, but not stop the crime that's happening.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. A generally unified structure and a noticeable introduction and conclusion are demonstrated. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Would you like someone else to be hearing and watching everything you say and do in public places? Well unfortunately this is what surveillance cameras do. So do you think that having surveillance cameras in public places is fair? Well, I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places.”)

The writer uses transitions that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“A second example is policemen who are monitoring the street cameras can see everything that's happening so if they see someone speeding they will pull them over, and while that happens an incident can occur.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the main argument of the essay. (“To summarize, I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places. Not only do cameras eliminate jobs, but also they do not count for emergency and invades people's privacy. Many people all over the U.S. think that surveillance cameras should be illegal because of these reasons and many more. In addition, many people think that this is in violation of the basic civil liberties.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Instead of what a police officer would be doing, like catching drivers speeding, giving tickets, and catching people breaking the law, cameras do this! It eliminates security's jobs by doing what they do like catching people stealing or stopping a fight. Cameras catch people doing this. Cities would prefer to have surveillance cameras then to hire people to be there when they need help but they say it could earn money for other things.”)

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“For example in stores they have cameras in dressing rooms, which is kind of creepy for you to know that there is someone watching you behind cameras. Also surveillance cameras can catch you doing and saying things you wouldn't say or do in public.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice and presentation of arguments in the response. (“To begin, why I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places is because they eliminate jobs. It eliminates police officers' jobs, now technology is really advanced that they do the police officers' job!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most words are spelled correctly. (“To summarize, I disagree with surveillance cameras in public places. Not only do cameras eliminate jobs, but also they do not count for emergency and invades people's privacy. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do you think public places would be safe with surveilance cameras? I do, because what if some person robbed a bank or a store? We would need have it on camera ofr evidence. In my essay I will discuss how surveilance cameras are very handy.

To start off with, it wouldn't be safe without surveilance cameras. I truely believe this satement because what if a crime scene took place and the police had no evidence. The surveilance cameras would have the incident caught on tape. Another reason is that it keeps our community and protected. My opinion is that every store and every household should have atleast one surveilance camera.

Additionally what if there was a robbery at a store or a house? How would you be able to find a suspect without a surveilance camera? Surveilance cameras are a good source of evidence for detectives polices, etc. It would help them crack down a case in no time. Also, I would feel unsafe if I was a clerk working at a register without without a single camera. Why? Well, what if someone robbed my store I would have no evidence. My friends father owns a clothing store in a big strip mall. One day he was working and three men robbed his store. They toook his wallet with his ids and credit cards, the money in the register, clothing, and worst of all put a gun to his head. Thank goodness he still is with us today. He also had no surveilance cameras in his store with evidence of this crime.

In conclusion I strongly approve of surveilance cameras. It should be a law that every store should have them because it will keep you safe and secure. This is why I strongly approve that surveilance cameras are very important.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of whether he/she agrees or disagrees with the use of surveillance cameras in public places, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Do you think public places would be safe with surveilance cameras? I do, because what if some person robbed a bank or a store? We would need have it on camera ofr evidence. In my essay I will discuss how surveilance cameras are very handy.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“I truely believe this satement because what if a crime scene took place and the police had no evidence. The surveilance cameras would have the incident caught on tape. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“Another reason is that it keeps our community and protected. My opinion is that every store and every household should have atleast one surveilance camera.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently by using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument of using surveillance cameras in public places. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay needs three to five supporting details in each body paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea, and his/her attempt is unsuccessful. (“To start off with, it wouldn't be safe without surveilance cameras. I truely believe this satement because what if a crime scene took place and the police had no evidence. The surveilance cameras would have the incident caught on tape. Another reason is that it keeps our community and protected. My opinion is that every store and every household should have atleast one surveilance camera. ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“My friends father owns a clothing store in a big strip mall. One day he was working and three men robbed his store. They toook his wallet with his ids and credit cards, the money in the register, clothing, and worst of all put a gun to his head. Thank goodness he still is with us today. He also had no surveilance cameras in his store with evidence of this crime. ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for the approval of surveillance cameras, it is not an effective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas about whether he/she agrees or disagrees with the use of surveillance cameras in public places, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“Also, I would feel unsafe if I was a clerk working at a register without without a single camera. Why? Well, what if someone robbed my store I would have no evidence.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer attempts to reinstate the prompt task and give his/her own opinion. (“Do you think public places would be safe with surveilance cameras? I do, because what if some person robbed a bank or a store? We would need have it on camera ofr evidence. In my essay I will discuss how surveilance cameras are very handy.”)

Adequate transitions are not included between paragraphs and sentences. (“My friends father owns a clothing store in a big strip mall. One day he was working and three men robbed his store. They toook his wallet with his ids and credit cards, the money in the register, clothing, and worst of all put a gun to his head.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion I strongly approve of surveilance cameras. It should be a law that every store should have them because it will keep you safe and secure. This is why I strongly approve that surveilance cameras are very important.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Do you think public places would be safe with surveilance cameras? I do, because what if some person robbed a bank or a store? We would need have it on camera ofr evidence. In my essay I will discuss how surveilance cameras are very handy. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“To start off with, it wouldn't be safe without surveilance cameras. I truely believe this satement because what if a crime scene took place and the police had no evidence. The surveilance cameras would have the incident caught on tape. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay, and sentences lack well-developed structure. (“In conclusion I strongly approve of surveilance cameras. It should be a law that every store should have them because it will keep you safe and secure. This is why I strongly approve that surveilance cameras are very important. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“I truely believe this satement because what if a crime scene took place and the police had no evidence. The surveilance cameras would have the incident caught on tape.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I agree with the use of surveillance cameras in public places because some people might want to steal something. But the person will not be able to because the worker can see him in the cameras. Also because someone might have a weapon, so you can have enough time to call the cops or get your own weapon to protect yourself. I think everybody should have surveillance cameras so they can know who is tying to break into your house or garage. Lastly, I agree because, parents might want to check up on there children.

Every store should have surveillance cameras some people get away from stealing things or money. If the stores get surveillance cameras, they will be alerted when someone steals or is about to approach you with a weapon. Also the malls so the workers can know who's stealing clothes by wearing them or by putting them in there bags. I agree to the surveillance cameras so people can know if someone is fighting. Lastly, even to know if someone is doing vandalism.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of whether he/she agrees or disagrees with the use of surveillance cameras in public places. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer states an opinion about the issue, but it lacks reasoning and support. (“I agree with the use of surveillance cameras in public places because some people might want to steal something.”)

A minimal understanding of audience is demonstrated, and the writer uses informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“I agree with the use of surveillance cameras in public places because some people might want to steal something. But the person will not be able to because the worker can see him in the cameras. Also because someone might have a weapon, so you can have enough time to call the cops or get your own weapon to protect yourself… Every store should have surveillance cameras some people get away from stealing things or money. If the stores get surveillance cameras, they will be alerted when someone steals or is about to approach you with a weapon.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“Lastly, I agree because, parents might want to check up on there children.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of using surveillance cameras in public places. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, which leaves the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“Also because someone might have a weapon, so you can have enough time to call the cops or get your own weapon to protect yourself. I think everybody should have surveillance cameras so they can know who is tying to break into your house or garage.”)

Minimal details explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of surveillance cameras in public places. (“If the stores get surveillance cameras, they will be alerted when someone steals or is about to approach you with a weapon.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“I agree with the use of surveillance cameras in public places because some people might want to steal something. But the person will not be able to because the worker can see him in the cameras. Also because someone might have a weapon, so you can have enough time to call the cops or get your own weapon to protect yourself. I think everybody should have surveillance cameras so they can know who is tying to break into your house or garage. Lastly, I agree because, parents might want to check up on there children.

Organization

There is minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I agree with the use of surveillance cameras in public places because some people might want to steal something. But the person will not be able to because the worker can see him in the cameras.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions between paragraphs or sentences are weak. (“Also because someone might have a weapon, so you can have enough time to call the cops or get your own weapon to protect yourself. I think everybody should have surveillance cameras so they can know who is tying to break into your house or garage”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. (“I agree to the surveillance cameras so people can know if someone is fighting. Lastly, even to know if someone is doing vandalism.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“I agree with the use of surveillance cameras in public places because some people might want to steal something. But the person will not be able to because the worker can see him in the cameras. Also because someone might have a weapon, so you can have enough time to call the cops or get your own weapon to protect yourself. ”)

There is a minimal variety of sentences in this essay. (“Also the malls so the workers can know who's stealing clothes by wearing them or by putting them in there bags. I agree to the surveillance cameras so people can know if someone is fighting. Lastly, even to know if someone is doing vandalism.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“Also because someone might have a weapon, so you can have enough time to call the cops or get your own weapon to protect yourself. I think everybody should have surveillance cameras so they can know who is tying to break into your house or garage. Lastly, I agree because, parents might want to check up on there children.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Well i think there should be surveillance cameras because it does prevent crime every were mostly in stores and banks. like say you just walked in to a store thinking your going to get something to sank on and some people walk into the store an with face mask on so know wont can see there face. and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail.cameras can be good.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. It satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion statement for the argument presented, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of whether he/she agrees or disagrees with the use of surveillance cameras in public places. The writer merely focuses on one aspect of this issue. (“like say you just walked in to a store thinking your going to get something to sank on and some people walk into the store an with face mask on so know wont can see there face.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are identified, but there is a lack of support. (“Well i think there should be surveillance cameras because it does prevent crime every were mostly in stores and banks.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and a position on the issue of whether he/she agrees or disagrees with the use of surveillance cameras in public places. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail. ”)

Since the response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. (“Well i think there should be surveillance cameras because it does prevent crime every were mostly in stores and banks. like say you just walked in to a store thinking your going to get something to sank on and some people walk into the store an with face mask on so know wont can see there face. and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail.cameras can be good. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer gives only one example of a time when using surveillance cameras could be beneficial. (“like say you just walked in to a store thinking your going to get something to sank on and some people walk into the store an with face mask on so know wont can see there face. and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Well i think there should be surveillance cameras because it does prevent crime every were mostly in stores and banks.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail.cameras can be good.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. (“cameras can be good.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. (“like say you just walked in to a store thinking your going to get something to sank on and some people walk into the store an with face mask on so know wont can see there face. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“Well i think there should be surveillance cameras because it does prevent crime every were mostly in stores and banks. like say you just walked in to a store thinking your going to get something to sank on and some people walk into the store an with face mask on so know wont can see there face. and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail.cameras can be good.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“Well i think there should be surveillance cameras because it does prevent crime every were mostly in stores and banks. like say you just walked in to a store thinking your going to get something to sank on and some people walk into the store an with face mask on so know wont can see there face. and they start yelling and demanding you to do thing you don't wont to do and and they are asking for money and they don't know there is a cameras looking at them and the cops come and they go to jail.cameras can be good.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Tattoos and Body Art

Tattoos and other forms of body piercing have become increasingly popular with young people today. In many states, laws stipulate that one must be at least 18 years old in order to pierce a body part or to get a tattoo. Do you agree that such age restrictions are fair?

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you defend your position on this issue. Be sure to support your argument with specific reasons.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Usually when someone is thinking about getting a tattoo or a piercing, that person may view it as a form of art or a method of fitting in with other people around them. They may also think body art would improve their appearance and outlook on life, without contemplating whether or not if it is actually a good idea. Besides the fact that it would be permanent, tattoos and any kind of piercing can be harmful to the person and others that he or she influences. The laws restricting body art until the age of eighteen actually help young people to make a better decision for themselves. These laws are very beneficial to our health and safety. Therefore, it must be fair for people to follow and respect these laws as they do respect their other rights and privileges.

Some of the dangers of body art that these laws help to prevent include the risks of getting an infection or disease. Diseases or viruses can be transferred through the needle which is used to insert the pigment into the skin for a tattoo or the one used to make a piercing with. These needles are shared with anyone who got or will get a tattoo or piercing from it. Concerns about viruses and germs are that they could transfer to other people using the same needle. A person carrying these diseases or viruses could contaminate or add on to those already on the needle. The risk of catching the diseases or viruses by getting a tattoo or piercing is an extreme consequence and not worth the risk.

The age restriction laws on body art provide protection against negative consequences. At eighteen years of age, a person is more liable to make better decisions about tattoos and piercing. They would be more reasonable and less prone to biased influences. By doing this, they recognize and understand the benefits and concerns of body art. With eighteen years of experience that a younger person may not have, he or she would learn to accept their mistakes and to try not to make the same ones in the future. Getting any kind of body art is permanent and irreversible, and could lead to later regrets. Most of these regrets would be from loss of interest and opinion of the tattoo or piercing or of the difference and change of the impressions that other people have toward that person. Friends and family may not view him or her the same way as what they did before that person had gotten the tattoo or piercing. He or she may then just serve as a bad example or influence, and thought of as better to avoid.

Although body art can be viewed as regretful and looked down on, it can also be viewed as artistic and inspirational. People with these opinions would disagree against age restrictions on body art. Tattoos and piercing are a form of culture that shouldn't be forced into confinement. They could express messages that the person feels strongly about and should be respected as an artist's masterpiece. By restricting and limiting body art, its dangers are prevented, but the restriction also hinders the ideas, customs, and beliefs of its traditions. For many people, body art is their way of life and mark of individuality. It would seem unfair to take away these customs since they are within their rights to practice whatever culture that tattoos and any sorts of piercing have to offer.

Despite the several consequences and benefits of body art, laws restricting them until the age of eighteen are needed. It is a compromise between culture and precautions. While not allowing people under eighteen to get a tattoo or piercing, it still allows for people at and above the age to get one. Whatever they decide would be reflected on by the result and to be blamed or complimented by none other than themselves. It is the right of the people to decide whether or not to get a tattoo or piercing and also their duty to accept the outcome. The age restriction laws against body art are fair and they establish more protection and precaution than what they limit.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the readers. The writer also demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and completes all parts of the task. Specifically, the writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the audience. (“The age restriction laws on body art provide protection against negative consequences. At eighteen years of age, a person is more liable to make better decisions about tattoos and piercing.”) The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“The laws restricting body art until the age of eighteen actually help young people to make a better decision for themselves. These laws are very beneficial to our health and safety. Therefore, it must be fair for people to follow and respect these laws as they do respect their other rights and privileges.”) The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about body art. (“Although body art can be viewed as regretful and looked down on, it can also be viewed as artistic and inspirational. People with these opinions would disagree against age restrictions on body art.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments using a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, the writer effectively addresses readers’ concerns in different ways. (“Although body art can be viewed as regretful and looked down on, it can also be viewed as artistic and inspirational. . . . It would seem unfair to take away these customs since they are within their rights to practice whatever culture that tattoos and any sorts of piercing have to offer. Despite the several consequences and benefits of body art, laws restricting them until the age of eighteen are needed.”) The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and anecdotes. (“Concerns about viruses and germs are that they could transfer to other people using the same needle. A person carrying these diseases or viruses could contaminate or add on to those already on the needle.”) Details are convincing. (“With eighteen years of experience that a younger person may not have, he or she would learn to accept their mistakes and to try not to make the same ones in the future. Getting any kind of body art is permanent and irreversible, and could lead to later regrets.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. It exhibits a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is seen throughout. In particular, the writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Usually when someone is thinking about getting a tattoo or a piercing, that person may view it as a form of art or a method of fitting in with other people around them. They may also think body art would improve their appearance and outlook on life, without contemplating whether or not if it is actually a good idea.”) The writer states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“The laws restricting body art until the age of eighteen actually help young people to make a better decision for themselves. These laws are very beneficial to our health and safety. Therefore, it must be fair for people to follow and respect these laws as they do respect their other rights and privileges.”) The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“It is the right of the people to decide whether or not to get a tattoo or piercing and also their duty to accept the outcome. The age restriction laws against body art are fair and they establish more protection and precaution than what they limit.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, he/she uses well-structured and varied sentences throughout. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“The age restriction laws on body art provide protection against negative consequences. At eighteen years of age, a person is more liable to make better decisions about tattoos and piercing.”) The language and tone are consistent. (“By doing this, they recognize and understand the benefits and concerns of body art. With eighteen years of experience that a younger person may not have, he or she would learn to accept their mistakes and to try not to make the same ones in the future.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Although body art can be viewed as regretful and looked down on, it can also be viewed as artistic and inspirational. People with these opinions would disagree against age restrictions on body art. Tattoos and piercing are a form of culture that shouldn't be forced into confinement. They could express messages that the person feels strongly about and should be respected as an artist's masterpiece.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Some of the dangers of body art that these laws help to prevent include the risks of getting an infection or disease. Diseases or viruses can be transferred through the needle which is used to insert the pigment into the skin for a tattoo or the one used to make a piercing with. These needles are shared with anyone who got or will get a tattoo or piercing from it. Concerns about viruses and germs are that they could transfer to other people using the same needle. A person carrying these diseases or viruses could contaminate or add on to those already on the needle. The risk of catching the diseases or viruses by getting a tattoo or piercing is an extreme consequence and not worth the risk.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I agree that the age restriction for tattoos and piercing is fair. Tattoos should be allowed only when you turn 18. I am sure that it will be better because a person would be more responsible about her or his actions. Also, it would help them make the right decision.

First of all, when you are under 18, you think in a different way. Most of the time people do not think before they do something. They do not realize that a tattoo and a piercing can cause infections. Tattoos put ink into your body and probably cause cancer on your skin. Piercings will probably get infected too, and cause cancer as well. Teenagers under 18 are not concerned about the consequences and risks. Between teenagers, tattoos and piercing are something popular. If you get a tattoo or a piercing, teenagers tend to consider you as popular. The only bad thing is that there is always a consequence for every action you take. Middle School and High School is the time of your life when you want people to notice you. When you want the person that you like to notice you. There are kids who influence other kids to get tattoos. Students also think that getting a tattoo may give them popular friends. I believe that some kids regret getting a tattoo and they want you to get one so you can feel as unhappy as they are when you grow up.

Second, tattoos and piercing may give people the wrong idea about you. Many people have had problems in the past. Most of teenagers are in gangs so tattoos are a way to express where they come from. There was a murder once. They killed a teenager for having really quite interesting body art. By interesting I mean that it was a sign of a gang. The kid got killed by someone he did not even know. The irony of that story was that the kid had never been in a gang. People also get tattoos and piercing to attract people. Some people may misunderstand you if you have too many symbols as body art. They may think you do bad things. I do not want people to think wrong about me, so I think twice before doing something. I believe that it will make me do the right thing. The attraction towards a tattoo is big. When it comes to getting the attention of someone you like, the tattoo is a way to get a person’s eyes on you. Depending on where you put the tattoo, the attraction is big. Just as easy as it is for the person you like to notice you, some other people may have the wrong idea about you. People now think that if you have a tattoo in certain part of you body you are a bad person.

Moreover, you might think that everything I am saying is not going to happen. I am not saying that is for sure that these things may be your case, but I would not like to go on my life regretting what I did because I wanted attention. You may think about how good the tattoo might look, but you do not think about yourself in the future. You are going to get really old. What people can think about you is horrible. Probably the tattoo will not look as nice as it looked before. Think about the pain you will go through just to get it off. When you remove a tattoo, the medical technician or doctor will most likely use a laser. Imagine the pain that a laser could cause. As you get old, your skin will become sensitive and the laser will be harmful to your aging skin.

Tattoos and piercings, in theory, are not bad, but there is always a consequence for every action. Think before you get one. It might look good on the outside, but you never know what it is causing on your inside.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion to persuade his/her readers. The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and the writer completes most parts of the task. In particular, the writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I agree that the age restriction for tattoos and piercing is fair.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First of all, when you are under 18, you think in a different way. Most of the time people do not think before they do something. They do not realize that a tattoo and a piercing can cause infections.”) The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. (“Many people have had problems in the past. Most of teenagers are in gangs so tattoos are a way to express where they come from. There was a murder once. They killed a teenager for having really quite interesting body art.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops arguments using specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Also, he/she clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or potential counterarguments. Specifically, the writer includes interesting facts and anecdotes that illustrate his/her opinion. (“They killed a teenager for having really quite interesting body art. By interesting I mean that it was a sign of a gang. The kid got killed by someone he did not even know. The irony of that story was that the kid had never been in a gang.”) The writer addresses readers’ concerns in different ways. (“Moreover, you might think that everything I am saying is not going to happen. I am not saying that is for sure that these things may be your case, but I would not like to go on my life regretting what I did because I wanted attention.”) Additionally, the writer’s details are convincing. (“When you remove a tattoo, the medical technician or doctor will most likely use a laser. Imagine the pain that a laser could cause. As you get old, your skin will become sensitive and the laser will be harmful to your aging skin.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is also consistent use of paragraphing devices throughout. Initially, the writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Tattoos should be allowed only when you turn 18. I am sure that it will be better because a person would be more responsible about her or his actions. Also, it would help them make the right decision.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“First of all, when you are under 18, you think in a different way. Most of the time people do not think before they do something. They do not realize that a tattoo and a piercing can cause infections.”) The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“Tattoos and piercings, in theory, are not bad, but there is always a consequence for every action. Think before you get one. It might look good on the outside, but you never know what it is causing on your inside.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay contains good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, well-structured sentences with some variety are present. Specifically, the writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“You are going to get really old. What people can think about you is horrible. Probably the tattoo will not look as nice as it looked before. Think about the pain you will go through just to get it off.”) The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay. (“Imagine the pain that a laser could cause. As you get old, your skin will become sensitive and the laser will be harmful to your aging skin.”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“People also get tattoos and piercing to attract people. Some people may misunderstand you if you have too many symbols as body art. They may think you do bad things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message. For example, sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Moreover, you might think that everything I am saying is not going to happen. I am not saying that is for sure that these things may be your case, but I would not like to go on my life regretting what I did because I wanted attention. You may think about how good the tattoo might look, but you do not think about yourself in the future. You are going to get really old. What people can think about you is horrible. Probably the tattoo will not look as nice as it looked before. Think about the pain you will go through just to get it off. When you remove a tattoo, the medical technician or doctor will most likely use a laser.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wanted to get body art? Do you think that the age restriction for getting body art is fair? The law says that you have to be 18 or older to get body art or piercings. Many people would argue that they should be able to do what they want with their body, or that a tattoo would be for religious purposes, but my position in this argument is that the age restriction is fair. Some reasons I'll use to back up my statement are you could regret something you do to your body when you get older, you could get into some kind of trouble, and body art could be inappropriate. I'll give details in the following paragraphs.

The first reason is that you might regret getting any body art or tattoos. When you get older, you can realize that you don't need it anymore, but it's stuck on your skin. You might get a lame tattoo, then finally you become mature enough to see how lame it is. Maybe someone will get like a half-naked woman on their back and then realize that it's inappropriate.

Another reason is that you can get into different kinds of trouble. For example, you can get a tattoo of LA, and people might think that you're a gangster or something. You could get unwanted attention. By that I mean, gang affiliated people confronting you and asking what gang you represent. People might just be staring at you all the time just looking at your body art.

My final reason is that body art could potentially be very inappropriate in many situations. Any body art can be very distracting at many places such as schools. An example is that you could be distracting many people with your piercing or tattoos. If you get a big nose ring or piercings all over, people would just be staring at you all the time. Something can also be really inappropriate, like if you have naked people on your arm, it would be very inappropriate. Therefore, the possibility of having inappropriate body art could be limited if people have to be 18 or older to get body art.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that it would ne a good idea to keep the law that restricts underaged people to get body art.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers; furthermore, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Specifically, the writer adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Many people would argue that they should be able to do what they want with their body, or that a tattoo would be for religious purposes, but my position in this argument is that the age restriction is fair.”) Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Any body art can be very distracting at many places such as schools. An example is that you could be distracting many people with your piercing or tattoos. If you get a big nose ring or piercings all over, people would just be staring at you all the time.”) The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. (“You could get unwanted attention. By that I mean, gang affiliated people confronting you and asking what gang you represent.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. The writer also adequately addresses his/her readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, the writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Many people would argue that they should be able to do what they want with their body, or that a tattoo would be for religious purposes, but . . . you could regret something you do to your body when you get older. . . .”) The writer includes some examples that illustrate his/her opinion. (“You might get a lame tattoo, then finally you become mature enough to see how lame it is. Maybe someone will get like a half-naked woman on their back and then realize that it's inappropriate.”) Furthermore, most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“My final reason is that body art could potentially be very inappropriate in many situations. Any body art can be very distracting at many places such as schools.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. There is a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is also evidence of transitional and paragraphing devices. Initially, the writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Have you ever wanted to get body art? Do you think that the age restriction for getting body art is fair? The law says that you have to be 18 or older to get body art or piercings.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“Another reason is that you can get into different kinds of trouble. For example, you can get a tattoo of LA, and people might think that you're a gangster or something. You could get unwanted attention.”) The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“In conclusion, I strongly believe that it would ne a good idea to keep the law that restricts underaged people to get body art.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; he/she generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“My final reason is that body art could potentially be very inappropriate in many situations. Any body art can be very distracting at many places such as schools. An example is that you could be distracting many people with your piercing or tattoos.”) However, word choice and sentence structure are sometimes poor. (“You might get a lame tattoo, then finally you become mature enough to see how lame it is. Maybe someone will get like a half-naked woman on their back and then realize that it's inappropriate.”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“An example is that you could be distracting many people with your piercing or tattoos. If you get a big nose ring or piercings all over, people would just be staring at you all the time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Many people would argue that they should be able to do what they want with their body, or that a tattoo would be for religious purposes, but my position in this argument is that the age restriction is fair. Some reasons I'll use to back up my statement are you could regret something you do to your body when you get older, you could get into some kind of trouble, and body art could be inappropriate. I'll give details in the following paragraphs.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think kids under 18 should not be allowed to have a tattoo. I don't like that kids have tattoos it's not good for kids to where them around school or around family members or friends and here are some reason why you should not were tattoos.

My first reason why kids should not be allowed to were tattoos or body piercings under 18 is because adults dont think it's right to see an under aged child with a tattoo on their arm or a percing they would think why would their parents allow them to were such things. Its not cool if you have a friend that has a tattoo and your parent say they dont want you hanging out with that person because of what she or he has on their body.

My second reason is about why is there piercings. Piercings are just a peice of metal that go through you body its not even worth having one if you have to go through pain to get one. Piercings do cause a lot of pain when you get one and if you dont do the piercing right and if you touch it and you have dirty hands your piercing could get infected and sometimes the enfection that you have could cause really bad damage to your body but if you do get one you should take good care of it so you wont have an infection. Its also the same way if you get a tattoo you need to take care of it.

My third reason is that yes people do get tatoos because it fits there persenality. If someone is sad they would get a tattoo that looks depresing or if there in love they would put a heart, rose, name, or even a picture, but some people just get one because they think it looks cool. Getting a tattoo might look cool, but when your getting one its not as cool as it looks. It hurts, it could get infected and there is a chance you could get skin disease and if you want to take it off then it would proably hurt twice as more then when you first got one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion, but it is unclear and underdeveloped. Furthermore, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task. In particular, the essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“I think kids under 18 should not be allowed to have a tattoo. I don't like that kids have tattoos it's not good for kids to where them around school or around family members or friends and here are some reason why you should not were tattoos.”) There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“Piercings do cause a lot of pain when you get one and if you dont do the piercing right and if you touch it and you have dirty hands your piercing could get infected. . . .”) The writer’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Its not cool if you have a friend that has a tattoo and your parent say they dont want you hanging out with that person because of what she or he has on their body.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, with insufficient details used to support the author’s position. The writer does not attempt to adequately address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. However, the writer does include some explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“My second reason is about why is there piercings. Piercings are just a peice of metal that go through you body its not even worth having one if you have to go through pain to get one.”) For the most part, the explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Piercings do cause a lot of pain when you get one and if you dont do the piercing right and if you touch it and you have dirty hands your piercing could get infected and sometimes the enfection that you have could cause really bad damage to your body but if you do get one you should take good care of it so you wont have an infection.”) The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. (“If someone is sad they would get a tattoo that looks depresing or if there in love they would put a heart, rose, name, or even a picture, but some people just get one because they think it looks cool.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; the essay also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think kids under 18 should not be allowed to have a tattoo. I don't like that kids have tattoos it's not good for kids to where them around school or around family members or friends and here are some reason why you should not were tattoos.”) The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. (“My second reason is about why is there piercings. Piercings are just a peice of metal that go through you body its not even worth having one if you have to go through pain to get one.”) The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Getting a tattoo might look cool, but when your getting one its not as cool as it looks. It hurts, it could get infected and there is a chance you could get skin disease and if you want to take it off then it would proably hurt twice as more then when you first got one.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. It exhibits simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, the essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I think kids under 18 should not be allowed to have a tattoo. I don't like that kids have tattoos it's not good for kids to where them around school or around family members or friends and here are some reason why you should not were tattoos.”) Sentences lack well-developed structure. (“It hurts, it could get infected and there is a chance you could get skin disease and if you want to take it off then it would proably hurt twice as more then when you first got one.”) There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“My first reason why kids should not be allowed to were tattoos or body piercings under 18 is because adults dont think it's right to see an under aged child with a tattoo on their arm or a percing they would think why would their parents allow them to were such things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates a limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence contains a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“My first reason why kids should not be allowed to were tattoos or body piercings under 18 is because adults dont think it's right to see an under aged child with a tattoo on their arm or a percing they would think why would their parents allow them to were such things. Its not cool if you have a friend that has a tattoo and your parent say they dont want you hanging out with that person because of what she or he has on their body.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wanted body are such as a tattoo or a piercing but was too young to get one ? In some states it is illegal to have body art younger than the age of 18. Should people under the age of 18 be allowed to get body art some people might go against having body art but i truly believe that you can do whatever you want with your body its your body its your rules.

Some people might say that it can cause health issues, other can say people under 18 can make poor choices I as an individual go against the law of having the law that in order to have body art you have to be 18 years or older. Some reasons why this law is unfair is it is our own body so we can do what we want with our own body we might want to get body art for self-expression; for example if someone special dies you might want to get a tattoo to represent the death of the person as a memorable thing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion and demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes few parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“Some people might say that it can cause health issues, other can say people under 18 can make poor choices I as an individual go against the law of having the law that in order to have body art you have to be 18 years or older.”) In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“Should people under the age of 18 be allowed to get body art some people might go against having body art but i truly believe that you can do whatever you want with your body its your body its your rules.”) The essay lacks awareness of audience by including versions of informal language. (“Should people under the age of 18 be allowed to get body art some people might go against having body art but i truly believe that you can do whatever you want with your body its your body its your rules.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position. The writer should consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, there is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“Some reasons why this law is unfair is it is our own body so we can do what we want with our own body we might want to get body art for self-expression; for example if someone special dies you might want to get a tattoo to represent the death of the person as a memorable thing.”) Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the evidence that is provided. (“Some people might say that it can cause health issues, other can say people under 18 can make poor choices I as an individual go against the law of having the law that in order to have body art you have to be 18 years or older.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Some reasons why this law is unfair is it is our own body so we can do what we want with our own body we might want to get body art for self-expression; for example if someone special dies you might want to get a tattoo to represent the death of the person as a memorable thing.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. It exhibits little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; moreover, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Have you ever wanted body are such as a tattoo or a piercing but was too young to get one ? In some states it is illegal to have body art younger than the age of 18.”) The essay does not contain effective supporting paragraphs. (“Some people might say that it can cause health issues, other can say people under 18 can make poor choices I as an individual go against the law of having the law that in order to have body art you have to be 18 years or older.”) The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Some reasons why this law is unfair is it is our own body so we can do what we want with our own body we might want to get body art for self-expression; for example if someone special dies you might want to get a tattoo to represent the death of the person as a memorable thing.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates minimal language use and style. The writer uses poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. In addition, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Specifically, the essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Should people under the age of 18 be allowed to get body art some people might go against having body art but i truly believe that you can do whatever you want with your body its your body its your rules.”) Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Some people might say that it can cause health issues, other can say people under 18 can make poor choices I as an individual go against the law of having the law that in order to have body art you have to be 18 years or older.”) The variety of sentences in this essay is minimal. (“Some people might say that it can cause health issues, other can say people under 18 can make poor choices. . . . Some reasons why this law is unfair is it is our own body. . . .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, or follow capitalization conventions. (“Have you ever wanted body are such as a tattoo or a piercing but was too young to get one ? In some states it is illegal to have body art younger than the age of 18. Should people under the age of 18 be allowed to get body art some people might go against having body art but i truly believe that you can do whatever you want with your body its your body its your rules.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think it's rediculous that people under 18 can't get tatoos or piercings because it's their body and they should beable to get A tatoo or A piercing. I don't think it's fair that just 18 year olds can get tatoos but people under 18 can't because it shouldnt really matter what age you are. I think people under 18 should be able to get A tatoo or A piercing because if they want to look popular with it on then they should beable to look popular with the piercing or the tatoo on. people under 18 should be able to get A tato because It would hurt them as much as it would hurt An 18 year old.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position and little effort is made to persuade his/her readers. The writer completes few or no parts of the task. In particular, the essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue and lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“I think it's rediculous that people under 18 can't get tatoos or piercings because it's their body and they should beable to get A tatoo or A piercing. I don't think it's fair that just 18 year olds can get tatoos but people under 18 can't because it shouldnt really matter what age you are. I think people under 18 should be able to get A tatoo or A piercing because if they want to look popular with it on then they should beable to look popular with the piercing or the tatoo on. people under 18 should be able to get A tato because It would hurt them as much as it would hurt An 18 year old.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer makes little or no attempt to use details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. Likewise, there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“I think it's rediculous that people under 18 can't get tatoos or piercings because it's their body and they should beable to get A tatoo or A piercing. I don't think it's fair that just 18 year olds can get tatoos but people under 18 can't because it shouldnt really matter what age you are. I think people under 18 should be able to get A tatoo or A piercing because if they want to look popular with it on then they should beable to look popular with the piercing or the tatoo on. people under 18 should be able to get A tato because It would hurt them as much as it would hurt An 18 year old.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay contains no evidence of structure with an introduction or conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Specifically, the essay does not contain an effective introduction, effective supporting paragraphs, or a strong conclusion. (“I think it's rediculous that people under 18 can't get tatoos or piercings because it's their body and they should beable to get A tatoo or A piercing. I don't think it's fair that just 18 year olds can get tatoos but people under 18 can't because it shouldnt really matter what age you are. I think people under 18 should be able to get A tatoo or A piercing because if they want to look popular with it on then they should beable to look popular with the piercing or the tatoo on. people under 18 should be able to get A tato because It would hurt them as much as it would hurt An 18 year old.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no awareness of audience. The essay also contains major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Also, sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I think it's rediculous that people under 18 can't get tatoos or piercings because it's their body and they should beable to get A tatoo or A piercing. I don't think it's fair that just 18 year olds can get tatoos but people under 18 can't because it shouldnt really matter what age you are. I think people under 18 should be able to get A tatoo or A piercing because if they want to look popular with it on then they should beable to look popular with the piercing or the tatoo on. people under 18 should be able to get A tato because It would hurt them as much as it would hurt An 18 year old.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. In particular, the writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent new paragraphs, and follow capitalization conventions. (“I think it's rediculous that people under 18 can't get tatoos or piercings because it's their body and they should beable to get A tatoo or A piercing. I don't think it's fair that just 18 year olds can get tatoos but people under 18 can't because it shouldnt really matter what age you are. I think people under 18 should be able to get A tatoo or A piercing because if they want to look popular with it on then they should beable to look popular with the piercing or the tatoo on. people under 18 should be able to get A tato because It would hurt them as much as it would hurt An 18 year old.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Teenage Responsibility

When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her actions. However, other adults believe that teenagers still lack the ability and wisdom to be responsible for their actions. What do you think? At what age should teenagers be held responsible for their actions?

Write a persuasive essay in which you defend your position on this issue. Be sure to support your position with reasons or arguments from your personal experience.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A twelve year old girl runs around the house screaming joyfully that her thirteenth birthday is a day away. The next day, that same girl wakes up, smiles, and thinks to herself that she is no longer a child. She runs down the stairs and is showered with hugs and gifts. Her parents tell her that she is a year older and a little bit wiser. The birthday girl laughs at the cheesy phrase. Three years after her thirteenth birthday, she is screaming at her parents and saying that she can take care of herself because she’s all grown up. When a child becomes a teenager, they usually consider themselves adults. Teenagers should not be responsible for their own actions because they aren’t cautious, they still need their parents, and they make daring decisions that are sometimes not very clever. Teenagers have about five more years to go before they can be considered an average and responsible adult.

One reason that teenagers should not be responsible for their own actions is because many teenagers are not ready for responsibility. They want to be treated like adults. Teenagers want to be trusted and they want to have a feeling of independence. The truth is that they still require the help of their parents. Many teenagers just ignore their responsibilities. They are too busy to bother doing their chores. For example, few teenagers do their own laundry. They usually don't pick up after themselves. They leave those chores up to their parents or whomever they are living with. Irresponsible teenagers might do something inappropriate, just pretend that nothing happened, and move on with their lives. By doing this, they will avoid getting in trouble with an adult. Do you think that teenagers are even ready to face the consequences in their lives?

Another reason that teenagers shouldn’t be responsible for their actions is that they don't have the best common sense. Making the right decisions is a part of the adult life. Sometimes, the decisions that people make will alter their lives or even someone else’s. Teenagers will come to a certain age where they may be forced to make daring and, possibly, harmful decisions. Immature teenagers just want to make their own decisions and they believe it is always right. They don’t even think about the consequences that may change their lives drastically. Because teenagers want to feel freedom, they might become very rebellious. This common behavior makes them feel like they have control of everything that is happening around them and they have nothing to worry about. In reality, they would have just made their lives very complicated by not trusting the people who care about them. They will not be known as people that can be relied on or trusted.

On the other hand, responsible teenagers can resolve their problems and take responsibility for their bad behavior. When they come across a complicated situation, they will be able to think of reasonable ways to resolve the problem. Responsible teenagers would not let someone else take the blame for what they did wrong. They would probably admit, from the beginning that the problem was caused by them and just face the consequences. Few teenagers have the courage to be tell the truth and be responsible because they fear what might happen to them afterwards. What they don't realize is that the consequences for not telling the truth are much more extreme and painful.

A final reason that teenagers shouldn’t be responsible for their own actions is because they are still maturing. Growing up is a natural process. When a child becomes a teenager, they go through many changes. That means that their minds are still developing and they have not matured. Teenagers, sometimes, don't understand that there are consequences to what they do or say. For example, when they promise their parents that they will clean their room or wash the dishes, they usually end up not doing the task. A responsible person would keep the promise. In the end, the teenager will probably be punished by getting lectured or grounded. The punishments don’t usually change their perspectives on certain situations and problems. For example, if a father forbade his daughter from going to a party because of her poor grades, the daughter might try to sneak away or throw a huge tantrum. Does this behavior seem very grown up? Can you trust teenagers to be responsible and mature?

In conclusion, teenagers should not have to take responsibility for their actions. They will be ready to be adults when they reach their legal age. By the time that teenagers turn eighteen, they wouldn't be considered a minor anymore. This means that their parents are no longer responsible for their child’s actions. Because teenagers are still developing a more careful side, they shouldn't be trusted to take responsibility for their actions. They have to take time to mature and learn to be an adult. If teenagers everywhere aren’t being wise about the decisions that they make, what would our world be like?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the reader, while demonstrating a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. Furthermore, the writer completes all parts of the task and may even go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. (“A twelve year old girl runs around the house screaming joyfully that her thirteenth birthday is a day away. The next day, that same girl wakes up, smiles, and thinks to herself that she is no longer a child. She runs down the stairs and is showered with hugs and gifts. Her parents tell her that she is a year older and a little bit wiser. The birthday girl laughs at the cheesy phrase. Three years after her thirteenth birthday, she is screaming at her parents and saying that she can take care of herself because she’s all grown up. When a child becomes a teenager, they usually consider themselves adults. Teenagers should not be responsible for their own actions because they aren’t cautious, they still need their parents, and they make daring decisions that are sometimes not very clever. Teenagers have about five more years to go before they can be considered an average and responsible adult.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Another reason that teenagers shouldn't be responsible for their actions is that they don’t have the best common sense. Making the right decisions is a part of the adult life. Sometimes, the decisions that people make will alter their lives or even someone else’s. Teenagers will come to a certain age where they may be forced to make daring and, possibly, harmful decisions. Immature teenagers just want to make their own decisions and they believe it is always right.”)

The writer’s thesis creatively states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Teenagers should not be responsible for their own actions because they aren't cautious, they still need their parents, and they make daring decisions that are sometimes not very clever.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen within this essay, as it effectively develops arguments, using a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. The writer also convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“On the other hand, responsible teenagers can resolve their problems and take responsibility for their bad behavior. When they come across a complicated situation, they will be able to think of reasonable ways to resolve the problem. Responsible teenagers would not let someone else take the blame for what they did wrong. They would probably admit, from the beginning that the problem was caused by them and just face the consequences. Few teenagers have the courage to be tell the truth and be responsible because they fear what might happen to them afterwards. What they don’t realize is that the consequences for not telling the truth are much more extreme and painful.”)

The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/ or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“For example, few teenagers do their own laundry. They usually don't pick up after themselves. They leave those chores up to their parents or whomever they are living with. Irresponsible teenagers might do something inappropriate, just pretend that nothing happened, and move on with their lives. By doing this, they will avoid getting in trouble with an adult. Do you think that teenagers are even ready to face the consequences in their lives?”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention, or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“One reason that teenagers should not be responsible for their own actions is because many teenagers are not ready for responsibility. They want to be treated like adults. Teenagers want to be trusted and they want to have a feeling of independence. The truth is that they still require the help of their parents. Many teenagers just ignore their responsibilities. They are too busy to bother doing their chores. For example, few teenagers do their own laundry. They usually don’t pick up after themselves. They leave those chores up to their parents or whomever they are living with. Irresponsible teenagers might do something inappropriate, just pretend that nothing happened, and move on with their lives. By doing this, they will avoid getting in trouble with an adult. Do you think that teenagers are even ready to face the consequences in their lives?”)

Organization

This essay displays very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and transitional devices throughout.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“A twelve year old girl runs around the house screaming joyfully that her thirteenth birthday is a day away. The next day, that same girl wakes up, smiles, and thinks to herself that she is no longer a child. She runs down the stairs and is showered with hugs and gifts. Her parents tell her that she is a year older and a little bit wiser. The birthday girl laughs at the cheesy phrase. Three years after her thirteenth birthday, she is screaming at her parents and saying that she can take care of herself because she’s all grown up. When a child becomes a teenager, they usually consider themselves adults. Teenagers should not be responsible for their own actions because they aren’t cautious, they still need their parents, and they make daring decisions that are sometimes not very clever. Teenagers have about five more years to go before they can be considered an average and responsible adult.”)

The writer includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“On the other hand, responsible teenagers can resolve their problems and take responsibility for their bad behavior. …In conclusion, teenagers should not have to take responsibility for their actions.”)

The writer’s conclusion is effective and either leaves readers with something to think about and/or offers a call for action (telling the readers what to do next). (“In conclusion, teenagers should not have to take responsibility for their actions. They will be ready to be adults when they reach their legal age. By the time that teenagers turn eighteen, they wouldn’t be considered a minor anymore. This means that their parents are no longer responsible for their child’s actions. Because teenagers are still developing a more careful side, they shouldn’t be trusted to take responsibility for their actions. They have to take time to mature and learn to be an adult. If teenagers everywhere aren't being wise about the decisions that they make, what would our world be like?”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“A final reason that teenagers shouldn’t be responsible for their own actions is because they are still maturing. Growing up is a natural process. When a child becomes a teenager, they go through many changes. That means that their minds are still developing and they have not matured. Teenagers, sometimes, don’t understand that there are consequences to what they do or say. For example, when they promise their parents that they will clean their room or wash the dishes, they usually end up not doing the task. A responsible person would keep the promise. In the end, the teenager will probably be punished by getting lectured or grounded. The punishments don't usually change their perspectives on certain situations and problems. For example, if a father forbade his daughter from going to a party because of her poor grades, the daughter might try to sneak away or throw a huge tantrum. Does this behavior seem very grown up? Can you trust teenagers to be responsible and mature?”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“For example, few teenagers do their own laundry. They usually don’t pick up after themselves. They leave those chores up to their parents or whomever they are living with. Irresponsible teenagers might do something inappropriate, just pretend that nothing happened, and move on with their lives. By doing this, they will avoid getting in trouble with an adult. Do you think that teenagers are even ready to face the consequences in their lives?”)

Complex sentences are used effectively. (“Three years after her thirteenth birthday, she is screaming at her parents and saying that she can take care of herself because she’s all grown up.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example:

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“A twelve year old girl runs around the house screaming joyfully that her thirteenth birthday is a day away.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“Teenagers have about five more years to go before they can be considered an average and responsible adult.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“The next day, that same girl wakes up, smiles, and thinks to herself that she is no longer a child.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her actions. However, other adults believe teenagers still lack the ability and wisdom to be responsible for their actions. Even though now I am a teenager I believe that they should all start to be responsible at the age of 15. Why? There are a lot of reasons why that I wish to tell and demonstrate to you in the next few paragraphs from both my point of view and from the others point of view of why we either think that 15 is the appropiate age for teenagers to be held responsible for their actions or that none should be held responsible for their actions.

In my opinion, I think teenagers should be held responsible for their actions at the age of 15 because it’s time for them or us to learn and act like responsible adults. We cannot be treated like children all the time and we should not ask our parents for help every time we supposedly need it when we could actually take care of it by ourselves. Teenagers have to learn now to be ready and be prepared for the real world. They have to learn that there are certain things you can ask for help from your parents and others we might just have to solve by themselves even if it looks to hard on them by the time they fix that problem they would have become more wiser and experienced for the next time it happens. We all know that our parents love us, but they sometimes have to know when to let go of their kids to let them explore the real world of working or studying to manage to have a life.

Others such as adults, parents, grandparents, uncles, and aunts believe that teenagers are too young and unexperienced to be responsible for things they do because they haven't the wisdom or experience do fix their problem or mistake. They think of teenagers as grown child who still has a lot to learn before going on to college and begin a new life only to learn of the hardships reality has instored for us. They knew at one point of their lives that they can’t always be there and just have to let go of the fact that we are now soon going to be adults. That is their reasons why teenagers should not be held responsible for their actions, buit they have to learn that that can’t always be their for us even when we want them to be. It may be hard, but nobody said it would be easy and they all know that.

On the contrary, I don’t agree with those parents thinking that teenagers lack the knowledge and ability to be held responsible for their actions. It might be hard to fully understand that all adults have to watch their children soon become adults over the years, but they will just have to accept that every child will soon become an adult. Even though I am a teenager and see many things in my point of view does not mean that I can’t see how much it might hurt and soon will find out how much it might just seeing our child grow up and become someone who might change or help out the world. It might hurt a lot, but it is reality and we all have to accept that even when we don’t want to and I know that certainly don’t want to.

In conclusion, I think that 15 is the appropiate age for all teenagers to be held responsible for their own actions. I mean maybe most parents are with their son or daughter finally realizing how life really is and that they will soon grow out of being a child and finally and fully become a adult, but the thing that they don't know is that we’re all scared and afraid it’s just that we all don’t know it or maybe the truth is that we are all just hiding it knowing the truth and reality. I know I am and maybe others are to, but who knows maybe things have changed and that parents are starting to see that their child will soon be a teenager who will soon need to learn to be held responsible for their actions no matter what it is and I am not trying to say that their parents should not be involved with them anymore I am just saying that on some things they just have to learn it by themselves with their own experiences and knowledge like any other person should.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are demonstrated within this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position to persuade the reader. He/she also demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“In my opinion, I think teenagers should be held responsible for their actions at the age of 15 because it's time for them or us to learn and act like responsible adults. We cannot be treated like children all the time and we should not ask our parents for help every time we supposedly need it when we could actually take care of it by ourselves. Teenagers have to learn now to be ready and be prepared for the real world. They have to learn that there are certain things you can ask for help from your parents and others we might just have to solve by themselves even if it looks to hard on them by the time they fix that problem they would have become more wiser and experienced for the next time it happens. We all know that our parents love us, but they sometimes have to know when to let go of their kids to let them explore the real world of working or studying to manage to have a life.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Even though now I am a teenager I believe that they should all start to be responsible at the age of 15.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“On the contrary, I don’t agree with those parents thinking that teenagers lack the knowledge and ability to be held responsible for their actions. It might be hard to fully understand that all adults have to watch their children soon become adults over the years, but they will just have to accept that every child will soon become an adult. Even though I am a teenager and see many things in my point of view does not mean that I can't see how much it might hurt and soon will find out how much it might just seeing our child grow up and become someone who might change or help out the world. It might hurt a lot, but it is reality and we all have to accept that even when we don’t want to and I know that certainly don’t want to.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good use of content and development. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The essay also clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Others such as adults, parents, grandparents, uncles, and aunts believe that teenagers are too young and unexperienced to be responsible for things they do because they haven’t the wisdom or experience do fix their problem or mistake. They think of teenagers as grown child who still has a lot to learn before going on to college and begin a new life only to learn of the hardships reality has instored for us. They knew at one point of their lives that they can’t always be there and just have to let go of the fact that we are now soon going to be adults. That is their reasons why teenagers should not be held responsible for their actions, buit they have to learn that that can't always be their for us even when we want them to be. It may be hard, but nobody said it would be easy and they all know that. … On the contrary, I don’t agree with those parents thinking that teenagers lack the knowledge and ability to be held responsible for their actions. It might be hard to fully understand that all adults have to watch their children soon become adults over the years, but they will just have to accept that every child will soon become an adult. Even though I am a teenager and see many things in my point of view does not mean that I can’t see how much it might hurt and soon will find out how much it might just seeing our child grow up and become someone who might change or help out the world. It might hurt a lot, but it is reality and we all have to accept that even when we don’t want to and I know that certainly don’t want to.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/ or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“It might be hard to fully understand that all adults have to watch their children soon become adults over the years, but they will just have to accept that every child will soon become an adult. Even though I am a teenager and see many things in my point of view does not mean that I can’t see how much it might hurt and soon will find out how much it might just seeing our child grow up and become someone who might change or help out the world. It might hurt a lot, but it is reality and we all have to accept that even when we don’t want to and I know that certainly don’t want to.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“On the contrary, I don’t agree with those parents thinking that teenagers lack the knowledge and ability to be held responsible for their actions. It might be hard to fully understand that all adults have to watch their children soon become adults over the years, but they will just have to accept that every child will soon become an adult. Even though I am a teenager and see many things in my point of view does not mean that I can’t see how much it might hurt and soon will find out how much it might just seeing our child grow up and become someone who might change or help out the world. It might hurt a lot, but it is reality and we all have to accept that even when we don’t want to and I know that certainly don’t want to.”)

Organization

Good organization is demonstrated throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“On the contrary, I don’t agree with those parents thinking that teenagers lack the knowledge and ability to be held responsible for their actions. It might be hard to fully understand that all adults have to watch their children soon become adults over the years, but they will just have to accept that every child will soon become an adult. … In conclusion, I think that 15 is the appropiate age for all teenagers to be held responsible for their own actions.”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“Others such as adults, parents, grandparents, uncles, and aunts believe that teenagers are too young and unexperienced to be responsible for things they do because they haven’t the wisdom or experience do fix their problem or mistake. They think of teenagers as grown child who still has a lot to learn before going on to college and begin a new life only to learn of the hardships reality has instored for us. They knew at one point of their lives that they can’t always be there and just have to let go of the fact that we are now soon going to be adults. That is their reasons why teenagers should not be held responsible for their actions, buit they have to learn that that can’t always be their for us even when we want them to be. It may be hard, but nobody said it would be easy and they all know that.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“In conclusion, I think that 15 is the appropiate age for all teenagers to be held responsible for their own actions. I mean maybe most parents are with their son or daughter finally realizing how life really is and that they will soon grow out of being a child and finally and fully become a adult, but the thing that they don't know is that we’re all scared and afraid it's just that we all don’t know it or maybe the truth is that we are all just hiding it knowing the truth and reality. I know I am and maybe others are to, but who knows maybe things have changed and that parents are starting to see that their child will soon be a teenager who will soon need to learn to be held responsible for their actions no matter what it is and I am not trying to say that their parents should not be involved with them anymore I am just saying that on some things they just have to learn it by themselves with their own experiences and knowledge like any other person should.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates good use of language and style in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience and well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“On the contrary, I don’t agree with those parents thinking that teenagers lack the knowledge and ability to be held responsible for their actions. It might be hard to fully understand that all adults have to watch their children soon become adults over the years, but they will just have to accept that every child will soon become an adult. Even though I am a teenager and see many things in my point of view does not mean that I can’t see how much it might hurt and soon will find out how much it might just seeing our child grow up and become someone who might change or help out the world. It might hurt a lot, but it is reality and we all have to accept that even when we don’t want to and I know that certainly don’t want to.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her actions. However, other adults believe teenagers still lack the ability and wisdom to be responsible for their actions. Even though now I am a teenager I believe that they should all start to be responsible at the age of 15. Why?”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or adds more details. (“On the contrary, I don’t agree with those parents thinking that teenagers lack the knowledge and ability to be held responsible for their actions. It might be hard to fully understand that all adults have to watch their children soon become adults over the years, but they will just have to accept that every child will soon become an adult.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message.

For example:

Most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ On the contrary, I don’t agree with those parents thinking that teenagers lack the knowledge and ability to be held responsible for their actions.”)

Most or all sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her actions.”)

Most or all sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ We all know that our parents love us, but they sometimes have to know when to let go of their kids to let them explore the real world of working or studying to manage to have a life.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her own actions. I support this theory, but I also believe that every child matures at a different age. If a child is honest about their wrong-doing, they are ready to be taken seriusly by adults because they are considered responsible. However, if a child acts immature or lies about an error they’ve made, I do not believe that they are ready to be held responsible for their actions. I think that when a child is ready to take responsibility for their own actions, they should then be treated like an adult.

I disagree with the fact that some adults make their children take resposibility for their actions when their child is too young. Young children between the ages of three and ten should be able to admit if they made a mistake, but they shouldn't have to take full responsibility for it. Young children are learning, and everyone makes mistakes, even adults. I do believe that children over the age of ten should take responsibility for their actions because this is about the time when they start to mature. Nevertheless, everyone makes mistakes, and no one should be punished for that.

I don’t believe that if a child makes a tiny mistake, they should be punished for it. For example, if a young child spills a glass of milk, they shouldn’t be held responsible for that because it’s an accident. If they are held responsible, they will most likely feel insecure and bad about themselves. However, if a teenager spills a glass of milk, it’s different. The teenager should be responsible enough to clean it up. On the other hand, there are more important issues that teens face. If a teenager is asked to drink under age, they should be responsible enough to take charge and say no.

In conclusion, I believe that there are different age groups and different issues that require many types of responsibility. I think that each child is different, and they all mature at different ages. I do however strongly support that everyone should be treated fairly no matter how old they are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has an adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the reader. The essay also demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I don’t believe that if a child makes a tiny mistake, they should be punished for it. For example, if a young child spills a glass of milk, they shouldn’t be held responsible for that because it’s an accident. If they are held responsible, they will most likely feel insecure and bad about themselves. However, if a teenager spills a glass of milk, it’s different. The teenager should be responsible enough to clean it up. On the other hand, there are more important issues that teens face. If a teenager is asked to drink under age they should be responsible enough to take charge and say no.”)

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I think that when a child is ready to take responsibility for their own actions, they should then be treated like an adult.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples. (“I disagree with the fact that some adults make their children take resposibility for their actions when their child is too young. Young children between the ages of three and ten should be able to admit if they made a mistake, but they shouldn't have to take full responsibility for it. Young children are learning, and everyone makes mistakes, even adults. I do believe that children over the age of ten should take responsibility for their actions because this is about the time when they start to mature. Nevertheless, everyone makes mistakes, and no one should be punished for that.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in this essay. Arguments are developed using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The essay also adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“I disagree with the fact that some adults make their children take resposibility for their actions when their child is too young. Young children between the ages of three and ten should be able to admit if they made a mistake, but they shouldn’t have to take full responsibility for it. Young children are learning, and everyone makes mistakes, even adults. I do believe that children over the age of ten should take responsibility for their actions because this is about the time when they start to mature. Nevertheless, everyone makes mistakes, and no one should be punished for that.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/ or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I don’t believe that if a child makes a tiny mistake, they should be punished for it. For example, if a young child spills a glass of milk, they shouldn’t be held responsible for that because it's an accident. If they are held responsible, they will most likely feel insecure and bad about themselves. However, if a teenager spills a glass of milk, it’s different. The teenager should be responsible enough to clean it up. On the other hand, there are more important issues that teens face. If a teenager is asked to drink under age they should be responsible enough to take charge and say no.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“I disagree with the fact that some adults make their children take resposibility for their actions when their child is too young. Young children between the ages of three and ten should be able to admit if they made a mistake, but they shouldn’t have to take full responsibility for it. Young children are learning, and everyone makes mistakes, even adults. I do believe that children over the age of ten should take responsibility for their actions because this is about the time when they start to mature. Nevertheless, everyone makes mistakes, and no one should be punished for that.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is adequate. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and some transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her own actions. I support this theory, but I also believe that every child matures at a different age. If a child is honest about their wrong-doing, they are ready to be taken seriusly by adults because they are considered responsible. However, if a child acts immature or lies about an error they’ve made, I do not believe that they are ready to be held responsible for their actions. I think that when a child is ready to take responsibility for their own actions, they should then be treated like an adult.”)

The writer states his/her thesis at the end of his/her introduction. (“I think that when a child is ready to take responsibility for their own actions, they should then be treated like an adult.”)

The writer includes some transitions between paragraphs and sentences. (“Nevertheless, everyone makes mistakes, and no one should be punished for that. … In conclusion, I believe that there are different age groups and different issues that require many types of responsibility.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are seen throughout the essay. Appropriate language and word choice are demonstrated, along with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her own actions. I support this theory, but I also believe that every child matures at a different age. If a child is honest about their wrong-doing, they are ready to be taken seriusly by adults because they are considered responsible. However, if a child acts immature or lies about an error they’ve made, I do not believe that they are ready to be held responsible for their actions. I think that when a child is ready to take responsibility for their own actions, they should then be treated like an adult.”)

There are a few exact/specific words related to the research. (“When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her own actions. I support this theory, but I also believe that every child matures at a different age.”)

The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her own actions. I support this theory, but I also believe that every child matures at a different age. If a child is honest about their wrong-doing, they are ready to be taken seriusly by adults because they are considered responsible. However, if a child acts immature or lies about an error they’ve made, I do not believe that they are ready to be held responsible for their actions. I think that when a child is ready to take responsibility for their own actions, they should then be treated like an adult.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example:

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ When a child becomes a teenager, some adults believe that he or she should be held responsible for his or her own actions.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ Nevertheless, everyone makes mistakes, and no one should be punished for that.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ On the other hand, there are more important issues that teens face.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that the teenager should be at least 13-15 years old because they should know what not to do. For an example I had to responsible for everything I did and I started when I was 13 years old and if I didn’t do what I was asked I got in trouble because that’s my responsibility I have to do and it’s my job. My dad used to treat me like a baby until I was mature enough to do what I was told.

When I was 7 I couldn't do anything that my sister did but since I’m older I can do anything I want to, unless it was something bad and dumb. But it’s hard because all the responsibility you have. This is responsibility that you need to have when you get older and more mature about things that you thought was funny when you were a kid and not that serious or mature like you might be when you’re a teen.

Myriad of teens think there cool because some smoke , drink , and do drugs. Every day conceded amount of adults buy cigarettes for under aged teens because there not responsible for there actions, because the teens always inquired there parents to buy them drugs. About six years ago my dads old friend bought a pack of cigarettes for his 15 year old daughter and he perjured to my dad when he asked him. I always see tenns smoking at the sheridan school at the playground.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates a limited focus and meaning. The essay states a position, but may be unclear or underdeveloped. Furthermore, the writing demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“I think that the teenager should be at least 13-15 years old because they should know what not to do. For an example I had to responsible for everything I did and I started when I was 13 years old and if I didn’t do what I was asked I got in trouble because that’s my responsibility I have to do and it’s my job. My dad used to treat me like a baby until I was mature enough to do what I was told.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“When I was 7 I couldn’t do anything that my sister did but since I’m older I can do anything I want to, unless it was something bad and dumb. But it’s hard because all the responsibility you have. This is responsibility that you need to have when you get older and more mature about things that you thought was funny when you were a kid and not that serious or mature like you might be when you’re a teen.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear, convincing, or creative way. (“I think that the teenager should be at least 13-15 years old because they should know what not to do.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development can be seen throughout this essay. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Myriad of teens think there cool because some smoke , drink , and do drugs. Every day conceded amount of adults buy cigarettes for under aged teens because there not responsible for there actions, because the teens always inquired there parents to buy them drugs.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/ or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I think that the teenager should be at least 13-15 years old because they should know what not to do. For an example I had to responsible for everything I did and I started when I was 13 years old and if I didn’t do what I was asked I got in trouble because that’s my responsibility I have to do and it’s my job. My dad used to treat me like a baby until I was mature enough to do what I was told.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“When I was 7 I couldn’t do anything that my sister did but since I’m older I can do anything I want to, unless it was something bad and dumb. But it’s hard because all the responsibility you have. This is responsibility that you need to have when you get older and more mature about things that you thought was funny when you were a kid and not that serious or mature like you might be when you’re a teen.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. There is only some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; in addition, the essay lacks transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think that the teenager should be at least 13-15 years old because they should know what not to do. For an example I had to responsible for everything I did and I started when I was 13 years old and if I didn’t do what I was asked I got in trouble because that’s my responsibility I have to do and it’s my job. My dad used to treat me like a baby until I was mature enough to do what I was told.”)

The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. (“When I was 7 I couldn't do anything that my sister did but since I’m older I can do anything I want to, unless it was something bad and dumb. But it’s hard because all the responsibility you have. This is responsibility that you need to have when you get older and more mature about things that you thought was funny when you were a kid and not that serious or mature like you might be when you’re a teen.”)

The limited use of transitional devices may not lead readers to a logical conclusion. (“This is responsibility that you need to have when you get older and more mature about things that you thought was funny when you were a kid and not that serious or mature like you might be when you’re a teen. ...Myriad of teens think there cool because some smoke , drink , and do drugs. Every day conceded amount of adults buy cigarettes for under aged teens because there not responsible for there actions, because the teens always inquired there parents to buy them drugs. About six years ago my dads old friend bought a pack of cigarettes for his 15 year old daughter and he perjured to my dad when he asked him. I always see tenns smoking at the sheridan school at the playground.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Myriad of teens think there cool because some smoke , drink , and do drugs. Every day conceded amount of adults buy cigarettes for under aged teens because there not responsible for there actions, because the teens always inquired there parents to buy them drugs. About six years ago my dads old friend bought a pack of cigarettes for his 15 year old daughter and he perjured to my dad when he asked him. I always see tenns smoking at the sheridan school at the playground.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is seen throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Use the Thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“When I was 7 I couldn't do anything that my sister did but since I’m older I can do anything I want to, unless it was something bad and dumb.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“For an example I had to responsible for everything I did and I started when I was 13 years old and if I didn’t do what I was asked I got in trouble because that’s my responsibility I have to do and it’s my job.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated throughout this essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay should:

Make sure that the word “there” is spelled and used correctly. The word “there” in the following example should be spelled “they’re.” (“Myriad of teens think there cool because some smoke , drink , and do drugs.”)

Use punctuation correctly to break up long sentences. (“For an example I had to responsible for everything I did and I started when I was 13 years old and if I didn’t do what I was asked I got in trouble because that’s my responsibility I have to do and it’s my job.”)

Spell and capitalize words correctly. (“I always see tenns smoking at the sheridan school at the playground.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

When children become teenagers I think they should be responsible for their own actions. When you are born all the ways up to twelve years old your parents are responsible for your actions, let’s say that you’re a child and you steel a pack of candy. We’ll your parents would take you in a store and make you take it back and apologize. Know you’re a teenager and you steel something as well but it is up to you to take it back because, you know that’s the write the thing to do.

You become a teenager at the age of thirteen. You start earning your allowance buy cleaning, taking out trash, water the animals, make the bed, etc....... But when a child you might help your parents do all of those things. you start maturing up at thirteen and that means that you should start acting like you’re an adult. It’s fun being a child because you really don’t have to do a whole lot but when you become a teenager that’s when you have to do a lot more things then what you were

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are demonstrated in this essay. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating a position, shows minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly-defined opinion about the issue. (“When children become teenagers I think they should be responsible for their own actions. When you are born all the ways up to twelve years old your parents are responsible for your actions, let’s say that you’re a child and you steel a pack of candy. We’ll your parents would take you in a store and make you take it back and apologize. Know you’re a teenager and you steel something as well but it is up to you to take it back because, you know that’s the write the thing to do.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“When children become teenagers I think they should be responsible for their own actions. When you are born all the ways up to twelve years old your parents are responsible for your actions, let’s say that you’re a child and you steel a pack of candy. We’ll your parents would take you in a store and make you take it back and apologize. Know you’re a teenager and you steel something as well but it is up to you to take it back because, you know that’s the write the thing to do.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay, and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“When children become teenagers I think they should be responsible for their own actions. When you are born all the ways up to twelve years old your parents are responsible for your actions, let’s say that you’re a child and you steel a pack of candy. We’ll your parents would take you in a store and make you take it back and apologize. Know you’re a teenager and you steel something as well but it is up to you to take it back because, you know that’s the write the thing to do.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. Arguments are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position.

There is only minimal evidence used to explain or support the opinion statement. (“When children become teenagers I think they should be responsible for their own actions. When you are born all the ways up to twelve years old your parents are responsible for your actions, let’s say that you’re a child and you steel a pack of candy. We’ll your parents would take you in a store and make you take it back and apologize. Know you’re a teenager and you steel something as well but it is up to you to take it back because, you know that’s the write the thing to do.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The body of the essay only consists of one paragraph. (“You become a teenager at the age of thirteen. You start earning your allowance buy cleaning, taking out trash, water the animals, make the bed, etc....... But when a child you might help your parents do all of those things. You start maturing up at thirteen and that means that you should start acting like you’re an adult. It's fun being a child because you really don't have to do a whole lot but when you become a teenager that’s when you have to do a lot more things then what you were”)

There are only minimal details used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“You become a teenager at the age of thirteen. You start earning your allowance buy cleaning, taking out trash, water the animals, make the bed, etc....... But when a child you might help your parents do all of those things. You start maturing up at thirteen and that means that you should start acting like you’re an adult. It's fun being a child because you really don’t have to do a whole lot but when you become a teenager that’s when you have to do a lot more things then what you were”)

Organization

Minimal organization is found in this essay. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“When children become teenagers I think they should be responsible for their own actions. When you are born all the ways up to twelve years old your parents are responsible for your actions, let’s say that you’re a child and you steel a pack of candy. We’ll your parents would take you in a store and make you take it back and apologize. Know you’re a teenager and you steel something as well but it is up to you to take it back because, you know that’s the write the thing to do.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“You become a teenager at the age of thirteen. You start earning your allowance buy cleaning, taking out trash, water the animals, make the bed, etc....... But when a child you might help your parents do all of those things. You start maturing up at thirteen and that means that you should start acting like you’re an adult. It's fun being a child because you really don’t have to do a whole lot but when you become a teenager that’s when you have to do a lot more things then what you were”)

Transitions were not included between paragraphs and between sentences. (“You become a teenager at the age of thirteen. You start earning your allowance buy cleaning, taking out trash, water the animals, make the bed, etc....... But when a child you might help your parents do all of those things. You start maturing up at thirteen and that means that you should start acting like you’re an adult. It's fun being a child because you really don’t have to do a whole lot but when you become a teenager that’s when you have to do a lot more things then what you were”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style is demonstrated within this essay. Poor language and word choice are seen, along with little awareness of audience; furthermore, basic errors in sentence structure and usage are found.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank.) (“When children become teenagers I think they should be responsible for their own actions. When you are born all the ways up to twelve years old your parents are responsible for your actions, let’s say that you’re a child and you steel a pack of candy. We’ll your parents would take you in a store and make you take it back and apologize. Know you’re a teenager and you steel something as well but it is up to you to take it back because, you know that’s the write the thing to do.”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“You become a teenager at the age of thirteen. You start earning your allowance buy cleaning, taking out trash, water the animals, make the bed, etc....... But when a child you might help your parents do all of those things. You start maturing up at thirteen and that means that you should start acting like you're an adult. It’s fun being a child because you really don’t have to do a whole lot but when you become a teenager that’s when you have to do a lot more things then what you were”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“When you are born all the ways up to twelve years old your parents are responsible for your actions, let’s say that you’re a child and you steel a pack of candy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay displays minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay does not:

Make sure words in each sentence are spelled correctly. (“Know you’re a teenager and you steel something as well but it is up to you to take it back because, you know that’s the write the thing to do.”)

End each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“It’s fun being a child because you really don’t have to do a whole lot but when you become a teenager that’s when you have to do a lot more things then what you were”)

Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“you start maturing up at thirteen and that means that you should start acting like you’re an adult.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains an inadequate focus and meaning. The writing demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position, and little effort is made to persuade. Few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not use appropriate language. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Content & Development

Content and development in this essay are inadequate. Little attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer’s position. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as supports for the argument. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is seen in this essay. There is no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion, no evidence of paragraphing, and no evidence of transitional devices used.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Transitions were not included between paragraphs and between sentences. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates inadequate language use and style. The writing includes unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay does not:

Make sure plural words end with an “s.” (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Use correct punctuation in sentences. (“I think teenager should be held responsible when they become teenager because they are older and now they can make there own actions. Some of the adults think that teen can’t focus as good because of high school teen have a lack of there ability of doing bad thing in school like fighting and living school using drugs and more stuff.so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“so yes that’s why I think teenager should be held responsible.”)

Teen Curfew Laws

Are curfew laws that target teens unfair? After reading the provided texts, write an essay that argues your position on whether curfew laws that target teens are unfair. Support your opinion with evidence from the texts. Be sure to discuss competing views.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"It's in the nighttime that violence breaks out," Edward Smith, a ten year old boy, explains. Even as young as he is, Edward realizes the dangers that lurk in the night. So, why would we risk our children's lives by letting them stay up wandering the streets at night? I strongly believe that children under eighteen should have curfews on school nights, and even weekends, to keep them out of trouble. Some reasons I think having a curfew would be helpful include the following: bored teens will often participate in vandalism, when teens stay up late at night their schoolwork can suffer, and the most important reason to have a curfew for teens is to protect their health and safety. They could become victims of violent crime.

One important reason we should take into account is that kids staying up late at night can vandalize and ruin property. Gangs and anxious teenagers can decide to graffiti or "tag" buildings, causing a negative impact to the environment and harm to property owners who have to replace the things that are damaged. I have experienced this first hand with my family's car wash business, which has been tagged several times. It is difficult to cover the graffiti with paint that doesn't even match the color of the wall. Occasionally, the chemicals from the spray paint used end up on the plants and trees at the car wash, harming our vegetation, and then we have to replace the plants. Some teenagers get bored, and with nothing to do, they cause mischief. Graffiti is not the only destructive thing that teenagers do for "fun". Other common activities include: toilet papering, egging houses, and batting mail boxes. Curfews would stop most of these activities.

Another reason to support having a curfew for our children is to benefit their education. Staying up all night interferes with kids getting the appropriate amount of sleep and can cause them to get lower grades. If I miss one hour of sleep, I have a hard time staying focused at school. I know that others are affected in the same way because on several occasions, I have seen kids actually fall asleep at their desks. When teenagers are given the option of studying or partying, they will most likely choose to party. If the option to be out late partying is eliminated, teens will more likely study and do their schoolwork. Staying up late can be fun, but when you have school the next day, you need to be well rested so you are able to focus and do your best work.

My final argument is that by not having a curfew, we put our teen's safety and health in peril. "The first thing that comes to mind is child abduction and, of course, violent crime," Rebecca Bunn states. Child abduction is real, and it happens to the most innocent of people and children. Children seem too vulnerable and are easily taken advantage of by bad people or "creepers", as my friends and I call them. Many children can die from violence in the streets, or in the dark alleys where you don't know who hides in the shadows. Sometimes good kids can get injured or killed only because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. In the Chicago Tribune, it tells us that during the school year of 2010 and 2011, 256 students, teens, just like me, were shot; twenty-seven of them were killed. Do we really want our children to die like this? Do we want them to get involved in gangs and drugs? When teens are influenced by peer pressure, they often do things that they would most likely never do. An example would be kids abusing drugs. Even the best kids can get into bad things. We need to set strict curfews in order to protect our youth.

Some people would argue that having a curfew is a bad idea because it's unfair and acts as a punishment for our youth, and because policeman become baby-sitters instead of crime fighters. It is true that most kids are responsible enough to not get into trouble; however, it's not just about how responsible your child is, others are not. Your teen could become a victim of a violent crime, peer pressure, or even child abduction. Because of this, they should be in their homes, safe at night. The Chicago Tribune states, "If they are out late at night, then there is a high risk of being a victim of a crime." We do not want that to happen to our children. As far as the police are concerned, wouldn't you rather be a police officer bringing a kid home after you caught him outside after curfew than going to the same home to tell the parents that their child has been shot? I believe having a curfew will diminish crime in general.

I am strongly for teenagers having night curfews. We would be helping their education, keeping the city clean of vandalism, and most importantly, our teens would be safe at home. We should not allow them to become victims of violent crime, unlike many other stories that we have heard about on the news. Mayor Jones, we need to pass a law to ensure our children's safety. We don't have to have one as early as Chicago at 8:30 p.m., but, we should set one between 10:00 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. My parents have set a curfew for me of 9:00 p.m. on weeknights and 10:30 p.m. on weekends. We could have a vote on this curfew issue. I am sure the results would be in favor of having curfews since we will have worried parents voting for their children's safety. As the mayor of this fine city, you have the responsibility to do the right thing to keep our children safe. Setting a curfew for our city’s teenagers is the right thing to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“I strongly believe that children under eighteen should have curfews on school nights, and even weekends, to keep them out of trouble. Some reasons I think having a curfew would be helpful include the following: bored teens will often participate in vandalism, when teens stay up late at night their schoolwork can suffer, and the most important reason to have a curfew for teens is to protect their health and safety. They could become victims of violent crime.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“My final argument is that by not having a curfew, we put our teen's safety and health in peril. ‘The first thing that comes to mind is child abduction and, of course, violent crime,’ Rebecca Bunn states. Child abduction is real, and it happens to the most innocent of people and children. Children seem too vulnerable and are easily taken advantage of by bad people or ‘creepers’, as my friends and I call them. Many children can die from violence in the streets, or in the dark alleys where you don't know who hides in the shadows.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that teen curfew laws are a necessity in his/her city. (“I am strongly for teenagers having night curfews. We would be helping their education, keeping the city clean of vandalism, and most importantly, our teens would be safe at home. We should not allow them to become victims of violent crime, unlike many other stories that we have heard about on the news. Mayor Jones, we need to pass a law to ensure our children's safety.”)

Content & Development

The essay reveals very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of teen curfew laws. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some people would argue that having a curfew is a bad idea because it's unfair and acts as a punishment for our youth, and because policeman become baby-sitters instead of crime fighters. It is true that most kids are responsible enough to not get into trouble; however, it's not just about how responsible your child is, others are not. Your teen could become a victim of a violent crime, peer pressure, or even child abduction. Because of this, they should be in their homes, safe at night. The Chicago Tribune states, ‘If they are out late at night, then there is a high risk of being a victim of a crime.’ We do not want that to happen to our children. As far as the police are concerned, wouldn't you rather be a police officer bringing a kid home after you caught him outside after curfew than going to the same home to tell the parents that their child has been shot? I believe having a curfew will diminish crime in general.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I have experienced this first hand with my family's car wash business, which has been tagged several times. It is difficult to cover the graffiti with paint that doesn't even match the color of the wall. Occasionally, the chemicals from the spray paint used end up on the plants and trees at the car wash, harming our vegetation, and then we have to replace the plants.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“In the Chicago Tribune, it tells us that during the school year of 2010 and 2011, 256 students, teens, just like me, were shot; twenty-seven of them were killed. Do we really want our children to die like this? Do we want them to get involved in gangs and drugs? When teens are influenced by peer pressure, they often do things that they would most likely never do. An example would be kids abusing drugs. Even the best kids can get into bad things. We need to set strict curfews in order to protect our youth.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer captures readers’ attention in the introduction. (“‘It's in the nighttime that violence breaks out,’ Edward Smith, a ten year old boy, explains. Even as young as he is, Edward realizes the dangers that lurk in the night. So, why would we risk our children's lives by letting them stay up wandering the streets at night?”)

The writer uses transitions to help move from one idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Your teen could become a victim of a violent crime, peer pressure, or even child abduction. Because of this, they should be in their homes, safe at night.”)

The conclusion effectively provides a call to action on the issue of teen curfew laws. (“Mayor Jones, we need to pass a law to ensure our children's safety. We don't have to have one as early as Chicago at 8:30 p.m., but, we should set one between 10:00 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. My parents have set a curfew for me of 9:00 p.m. on weeknights and 10:30 p.m. on weekends. We could have a vote on this curfew issue. I am sure the results would be in favor of having curfews since we will have worried parents voting for their children's safety. As the mayor of this fine city, you have the responsibility to do the right thing to keep our children safe. Setting a curfew for our city’s teenagers is the right thing to do.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“We should not allow them to become victims of violent crime, unlike many other stories that we have heard about on the news. Mayor Jones, we need to pass a law to ensure our children's safety. We don't have to have one as early as Chicago at 8:30 p.m., but, we should set one between 10:00 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. My parents have set a curfew for me of 9:00 p.m. on weeknights and 10:30 p.m. on weekends. We could have a vote on this curfew issue.”)

The writer uses varied sentences by including sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Child abduction is real, and it happens to the most innocent of people and children. Children seem too vulnerable and are easily taken advantage of by bad people or ‘creepers’, as my friends and I call them. Many children can die from violence in the streets, or in the dark alleys where you don't know who hides in the shadows. Sometimes good kids can get injured or killed only because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“One important reason we should take into account is that kids staying up late at night can vandalize and ruin property. Gangs and anxious teenagers can decide to graffiti or ‘tag’ buildings, causing a negative impact to the environment and harm to property owners who have to replace the things that are damaged. I have experienced this first hand with my family's car wash business, which has been tagged several times. It is difficult to cover the graffiti with paint that doesn't even match the color of the wall. Occasionally, the chemicals from the spray paint used end up on the plants and trees at the car wash, harming our vegetation, and then we have to replace the plants.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Gangs and anxious teenagers can decide to graffiti or ‘tag’ buildings, causing a negative impact to the environment and harm to property owners who have to replace the things that are damaged. I have experienced this first hand with my family's car wash business, which has been tagged several times.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Your parents love you. You are one of the largest parts of their life and one of the parts they care about most. Now, imagine if your parents found out one day that you had been doing something illegal - or, even worse, that you had been hurt or killed. Believe it or not, thousands of parents face this news every year. Many of these actions occur while the teen was out past their parent's set curfew, and, were they not out, they may have not been involved. This is why I believe that curfew laws are not unfair.

Curfew laws are meant to keep teens indoors and out of trouble at night, and with good reason; in Chicago alone, the 2010-2011 school year saw 256 child shootings and 27 deaths from said shootings. Another analysis of the streets shows that murders and deaths in the city were at their highest in the hours of 9 and 10 p.m., hours that would likely be included in curfew laws. If we were to implement these laws, teens would be protected from most crime during some of the most dangerous hours of the day, keeping them safe and granting them their futures.

Yes, I can hear the teenagers complaining right now. "But it's unfair that we can't go outside at night!" Some of the more logical people might point out that there are responsible teens in the world who wouldn't participate in crime. However, they may be neglecting the almighty peer pressure. A friend of mine's family had a perfectly upright daughter who was a good student and a perfectly responsible child. One day, she was out at night with some people she shouldn't have been around, and she ended up being charged with murder. Even responsible teens can land themselves in bad situations. As for the complaint about teenagers who need to be outside for a job of some sort, couldn't there be a “permit" that they could take with them at night to allow them to travel at night, assuming they could provide a good reason?

This law is made to say that teenagers will behave badly, but that isn't always the case with teenage death and crime, an example being the story of Trevor Smith. Trevor was a star student and a player on the school football team. One night, when he went to buy his brother a treat, he was considered a threat by the neighborhood watchman and, even though the watchman was told not to do such, he shot and killed the young man. This high school student had excellent intentions, was a perfectly innocent child and was subsequently shot for being a "threat" to the community. Child curfew seems like a waste of police resources, but isn't it their duty to protect people from death and injury?

Curfew laws are portrayed often as being a way to prevent your children from doing things under the cover of night, and it certainly does do that. Children and parents alike, however, will shun this perspective, suggesting that it restricts the child's freedom, which I do not believe is what the curfew law is really made for. The goal is to protect your child, whether it is from their enemies or themselves, and not simply to limit them. Drugs and death are other, more powerful ways to limit and restrain your child. Sometimes it's necessary to do things to keep them safe.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of teen curfew laws to persuade readers. He/she is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The thesis states what the writer believes about the issue. (“Your parents love you. You are one of the largest parts of their life and one of the parts they care about most. Now, imagine if your parents found out one day that you had been doing something illegal - or, even worse, that you had been hurt or killed. Believe it or not, thousands of parents face this news every year. Many of these actions occur while the teen was out past their parent's set curfew, and, were they not out, they may have not been involved. This is why I believe that curfew laws are not unfair.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Curfew laws are meant to keep teens indoors and out of trouble at night, and with good reason; in Chicago alone, the 2010-2011 school year saw 256 child shootings and 27 deaths from said shootings. Another analysis of the streets shows that murders and deaths in the city were at their highest in the hours of 9 and 10 p.m., hours that would likely be included in curfew laws. If we were to implement these laws, teens would be protected from most crime during some of the most dangerous hours of the day, keeping them safe and granting them their futures.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Curfew laws are portrayed often as being a way to prevent your children from doing things under the cover of night, and it certainly does do that. Children and parents alike, however, will shun this perspective, suggesting that it restricts the child's freedom, which I do not believe is what the curfew law is really made for. The goal is to protect your child, whether it is from their enemies or themselves, and not simply to limit them. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay. Arguments are developed using sufficient and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Yes, I can hear the teenagers complaining right now. ‘But it's unfair that we can't go outside at night!’ Some of the more logical people might point out that there are responsible teens in the world who wouldn't participate in crime. However, they may be neglecting the almighty peer pressure. A friend of mine's family had a perfectly upright daughter who was a good student and a perfectly responsible child. One day, she was out at night with some people she shouldn't have been around, and she ended up being charged with murder. Even responsible teens can land themselves in bad situations. As for the complaint about teenagers who need to be outside for a job of some sort, couldn't there be a ‘permit’ that they could take with them at night to allow them to travel at night, assuming they could provide a good reason?”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Curfew laws are meant to keep teens indoors and out of trouble at night, and with good reason; in Chicago alone, the 2010-2011 school year saw 256 child shootings and 27 deaths from said shootings. Another analysis of the streets shows that murders and deaths in the city were at their highest in the hours of 9 and 10 p.m., hours that would likely be included in curfew laws. If we were to implement these laws, teens would be protected from most crime during some of the most dangerous hours of the day, keeping them safe and granting them their futures.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“This law is made to say that teenagers will behave badly, but that isn't always the case with teenage death and crime, an example being the story of Trevor Smith. Trevor was a star student and a player on the school football team. One night, when he went to buy his brother a treat, he was considered a threat by the neighborhood watchman and, even though the watchman was told not to do such, he shot and killed the young man. This high school student had excellent intentions, was a perfectly innocent child and was subsequently shot for being a ‘threat’ to the community. Child curfew seems like a waste of police resources, but isn't it their duty to protect people from death and injury?”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Your parents love you. You are one of the largest parts of their life and one of the parts they care about most. Now, imagine if your parents found out one day that you had been doing something illegal - or, even worse, that you had been hurt or killed. Believe it or not, thousands of parents face this news every year. Many of these actions occur while the teen was out past their parent's set curfew, and, were they not out, they may have not been involved. This is why I believe that curfew laws are not unfair.”)

Subtle transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“This law is made to say that teenagers will behave badly, but that isn't always the case with teenage death and crime, an example being the story of Trevor Smith. Trevor was a star student and a player on the school football team. One night, when he went to buy his brother a treat, he was considered a threat by the neighborhood watchman and, even though the watchman was told not to do such, he shot and killed the young man. This high school student had excellent intentions, was a perfectly innocent child and was subsequently shot for being a ‘threat’ to the community. Child curfew seems like a waste of police resources, but isn't it their duty to protect people from death and injury?”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Curfew laws are portrayed often as being a way to prevent your children from doing things under the cover of night, and it certainly does do that. Children and parents alike, however, will shun this perspective, suggesting that it restricts the child's freedom, which I do not believe is what the curfew law is really made for. The goal is to protect your child, whether it is from their enemies or themselves, and not simply to limit them. Drugs and death are other, more powerful ways to limit and restrain your child. Sometimes it's necessary to do things to keep them safe.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Curfew laws are meant to keep teens indoors and out of trouble at night, and with good reason; in Chicago alone, the 2010-2011 school year saw 256 child shootings and 27 deaths from said shootings. Another analysis of the streets shows that murders and deaths in the city were at their highest in the hours of 9 and 10 p.m., hours that would likely be included in curfew laws. If we were to implement these laws, teens would be protected from most crime during some of the most dangerous hours of the day, keeping them safe and granting them their futures.”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“One night, when he went to buy his brother a treat, he was considered a threat by the neighborhood watchman and, even though the watchman was told not to do such, he shot and killed the young man. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Yes, I can hear the teenagers complaining right now. ‘But it's unfair that we can't go outside at night!’ Some of the more logical people might point out that there are responsible teens in the world who wouldn't participate in crime. However, they may be neglecting the almighty peer pressure. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Even responsible teens can land themselves in bad situations. As for the complaint about teenagers who need to be outside for a job of some sort, couldn't there be a ‘permit’ that they could take with them at night to allow them to travel at night, assuming they could provide a good reason?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Teen Curfew Laws

Teen curfew laws waste law enforcement time and resources. They create a host of problems. Curfews don't take into account all the reasons why a young person may be out at 11 p.m.

First, curfews waste time and law enforcement resources. While a police officer should be trying to track down real criminals that rob banks, steal cars, and smuggle drugs, they are trying to catch kids that are out late at night. A police officer could be looking for kids that are roaming the streets as an independant person at night, when he learns that a shooting has taken place and that somebody has been shot and killed. The officer could have been there to stop that crime, but they were instead looking for kids who might be out of their house at night.

Second, they create a lot of problems for the kids who have stuff that they like to do late at night. If the curfew laws were at 8:30, or any other time, there are thousands of kids across the United States that are coming home from friends houses, riding their bikes, and other things at 8:30. Also at in the months leading up to the summer months, the sun stays out longer, so it is only at 9:00, or later, that there is enough shadow for there to be a person hiding.

Third, curfews don't take into account all the reasons why a young person may be out at late at night. There are lots of people that have baby sitting jobs, and sometimes they have to work late because mabye the parents got stuck in traffic or the had a car breakdown. You could live a mile away from the house that you babysit at and if there was a curfew law at 8:30 and the parents are not home yet, you would only have two choices. One would be, you could leave early, or you could break the law by being outside late at night.

Some people would say curfews should be set at an earlier time; however, if they make the curfew earlier they would have to have several police officers look for kids at night. The officers could be looking to see if there is any drunk drivers or be on high alert. LIke if somebody should happen to call the police telling them that their house has been robbed or if somebody has just stolen a bank and all the police office can stay is that it will take 20 minutes for the nearest police officer to get there because he is just driving around aimlessly looking for kids.

As you can see curfews should stay the same or not be put into action at all because they waste the resources and time of law enforcement, create numerous problems, and curfews don't address all the reasons why a child may be out very late at night.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about teen curfew laws and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and intended audience.

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“Teen curfew laws waste law enforcement time and resources. They create a host of problems. Curfews don't take into account all the reasons why a young person may be out at 11 p.m.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“First, curfews waste time and law enforcement resources. While a police officer should be trying to track down real criminals that rob banks, steal cars, and smuggle drugs, they are trying to catch kids that are out late at night. A police officer could be looking for kids that are roaming the streets as an independant person at night, when he learns that a shooting has taken place and that somebody has been shot and killed. The officer could have been there to stop that crime, but they were instead looking for kids who might be out of their house at night.”)

The writer focuses his/her ideas and commentary on supporting the assertion that teen curfews are not a viable option for the community. (“Third, curfews don't take into account all the reasons why a young person may be out at late at night. There are lots of people that have baby sitting jobs, and sometimes they have to work late because mabye the parents got stuck in traffic or the had a car breakdown. You could live a mile away from the house that you babysit at and if there was a curfew law at 8:30 and the parents are not home yet, you would only have two choices. One would be, you could leave early, or you could break the law by being outside late at night.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support his/her position. Additionally, t he writer addresses some of the readers’ opposing views. Notably, incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

The writer’s details are relevant. (“Third, curfews don't take into account all the reasons why a young person may be out at late at night. There are lots of people that have baby sitting jobs, and sometimes they have to work late because mabye the parents got stuck in traffic or the had a car breakdown. You could live a mile away from the house that you babysit at and if there was a curfew law at 8:30 and the parents are not home yet, you would only have two choices. One would be, you could leave early, or you could break the law by being outside late at night.”)

The explanations used to support the main ideas are just adequate. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing. (“Second, they create a lot of problems for the kids who have stuff that they like to do late at night. If the curfew laws were at 8:30, or any other time, there are thousands of kids across the United States that are coming home from friends houses, riding their bikes, and other things at 8:30. Also at in the months leading up to the summer months, the sun stays out longer, so it is only at 9:00, or later, that there is enough shadow for there to be a person hiding.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some people would say curfews should be set at an earlier time; however, if they make the curfew earlier they would have to have several police officers look for kids at night. The officers could be looking to see if there is any drunk drivers or be on high alert. LIke if somebody should happen to call the police telling them that their house has been robbed or if somebody has just stolen a bank and all the police office can stay is that it will take 20 minutes for the nearest police officer to get there because he is just driving around aimlessly looking for kids.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is sufficient use of paragraphing and transitional devices, and overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction, though brief, manages to grab the readers’ attention. (“Teen curfew laws waste law enforcement time and resources. They create a host of problems. Curfews don't take into account all the reasons why a young person may be out at 11 p.m.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“First, curfews waste time and law enforcement resources. While a police officer should be trying to track down real criminals that rob banks, steal cars, and smuggle drugs, they are trying to catch kids that are out late at night.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion is too brief; it should summarize the main points of the argument and leave readers with something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“As you can see curfews should stay the same or not be put into action at all because they waste the resources and time of law enforcement, create numerous problems, and curfews don't address all the reasons why a child may be out very late at night.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Second, they create a lot of problems for the kids who have stuff that they like to do late at night. If the curfew laws were at 8:30, or any other time, there are thousands of kids across the United States that are coming home from friends houses, riding their bikes, and other things at 8:30. Also at in the months leading up to the summer months, the sun stays out longer, so it is only at 9:00, or later, that there is enough shadow for there to be a person hiding.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“Third, curfews don't take into account all the reasons why a young person may be out at late at night. There are lots of people that have baby sitting jobs, and sometimes they have to work late because mabye the parents got stuck in traffic or the had a car breakdown. You could live a mile away from the house that you babysit at and if there was a curfew law at 8:30 and the parents are not home yet, you would only have two choices. One would be, you could leave early, or you could break the law by being outside late at night.”)

Word choices are appropriate for the purpose of convincing readers of the writer’s point of view. (“Some people would say curfews should be set at an earlier time; however, if they make the curfew earlier they would have to have several police officers look for kids at night. The officers could be looking to see if there is any drunk drivers or be on high alert.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ A police officer could be looking for kids that are roaming the streets as an independant person at night, when he learns that a shooting has taken place and that somebody has been shot and killed.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

10 p.m. think kids should have curfews. The reason why I choice kids should have curfews is because the darker it gets that's when more of the violent crimes happen. Lets say that your child died because their was a crazy person and you stayed to late outside and then boom! 10 p.m. is a good time because that is plenty of time to get inside your house. Kids should be more careful of their actions so then they don't cause trouble.

Heres the thing they say that officers are just wasting their time but their not. That is their job is to help people. To save peoples lives that is what they singed up for. When they soon figure it out they are saving lives by staying out and helping those people in need. Also their are officers that work at night shifts. So they are not just wasting their time their saving peoples lives that are late outside. The officers have to fix the teenagers problems that the teenagers caused. So officers should stay after and no they are not wasting their time!

At night when the teenagers stay up late and did not get much sleep. And the more tired they get the more angry they get. When they are angry they are not very nice and they can get mad very easily. The teenagers don't get that nice that's when they could so crimes and their so tired and angry they feel like doing something not that pleasant most go the time.

If your parents and friends find out that you are staying out to late then they could get worried about you. And some times when they get worried about you they could call the police and that could just cause so much problems. When you cause problems you could cause the problem when your at your school. You wont think cleary because you had all those problems last night thinking about it. So kids should always listen the their parents and some times their friends.

That's why you don't want your kid to be out to late because they could get into something they don't want to get into. And they would be safe and the parents would not have to worry as much. That is my reason why kids should have their curfews to be safe!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of teen curfew laws but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“10 p.m. think kids should have curfews. The reason why I choice kids should have curfews is because the darker it gets that's when more of the violent crimes happen. Lets say that your child died because their was a crazy person and you stayed to late outside and then boom! 10 p.m. is a good time because that is plenty of time to get inside your house. Kids should be more careful of their actions so then they don't cause trouble.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Also their are officers that work at night shifts. So they are not just wasting their time their saving peoples lives that are late outside. The officers have to fix the teenagers problems that the teenagers caused. So officers should stay after and no they are not wasting their time!”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“ Heres the thing they say that officers are just wasting their time but their not. That is their job is to help people. To save peoples lives that is what they singed up for. When they soon figure it out they are saving lives by staying out and helping those people in need. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against teen curfew laws. The writer attempts to address readers and briefly includes some counterarguments in the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Heres the thing they say that officers are just wasting their time but their not. That is their job is to help people. To save peoples lives that is what they singed up for. When they soon figure it out they are saving lives by staying out and helping those people in need. ”)

The writer includes the perspective of teenagers in an attempt to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“At night when the teenagers stay up late and did not get much sleep. And the more tired they get the more angry they get. When they are angry they are not very nice and they can get mad very easily. The teenagers don't get that nice that's when they could so crimes and their so tired and angry they feel like doing something not that pleasant most go the time.”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the teenage mindset, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for teen curfew laws, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“If your parents and friends find out that you are staying out to late then they could get worried about you. And some times when they get worried about you they could call the police and that could just cause so much problems. When you cause problems you could cause the problem when your at your school. You wont think cleary because you had all those problems last night thinking about it. So kids should always listen the their parents and some times their friends.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by describing a scenario. (“10 p.m. think kids should have curfews. The reason why I choice kids should have curfews is because the darker it gets that's when more of the violent crimes happen. Lets say that your child died because their was a crazy person and you stayed to late outside and then boom! 10 p.m. is a good time because that is plenty of time to get inside your house. Kids should be more careful of their actions so then they don't cause trouble.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“At night when the teenagers stay up late and did not get much sleep. And the more tired they get the more angry they get. When they are angry they are not very nice and they can get mad very easily. The teenagers don't get that nice that's when they could so crimes and their so tired and angry they feel like doing something not that pleasant most go the time.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“That's why you don't want your kid to be out to late because they could get into something they don't want to get into. And they would be safe and the parents would not have to worry as much. That is my reason why kids should have their curfews to be safe!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“At night when the teenagers stay up late and did not get much sleep. And the more tired they get the more angry they get. When they are angry they are not very nice and they can get mad very easily. The teenagers don't get that nice that's when they could so crimes and their so tired and angry they feel like doing something not that pleasant most go the time.”)

The writer employs simple word choices and weak sentence structures. (“That's why you don't want your kid to be out to late because they could get into something they don't want to get into. And they would be safe and the parents would not have to worry as much. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Heres the thing they say that officers are just wasting their time but their not. That is their job is to help people. To save peoples lives that is what they singed up for. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I want to write about why i think that curfew laws are bad. If they ever have it they need to make acceptions for work,school and other stuff. No one knows why you are out there but it can be for good reasons. You can be out side for just about anything.

The curfew law can be good but i think it will do more harm. Kids will just sneak around and still get out. The laws would just make it harder for kids to get out but they would find a way. The laws can be good but they would make more of a job for the police.

The laws would stop some crime but not all. The criminals would just go to houses and break in. With the laws there would be more teen murders. There would be more murders because the teens would have to sneak around and would get caught by criminals easier.

In conclusion i want to say that i think that the laws are stupid. it might stop crime but there may become more crime. the people that like the idea might be right but i don't think so. I think that curfew laws are bad and we should not have them!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of teen curfew laws. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not assert a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ The curfew law can be good but i think it will do more harm. ”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address intended readers. (“In conclusion i want to say that i think that the laws are stupid. it might stop crime but there may become more crime. the people that like the idea might be right but i don't think so. I think that curfew laws are bad and we should not have them!”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“The laws would stop some crime but not all. The criminals would just go to houses and break in. With the laws there would be more teen murders. There would be more murders because the teens would have to sneak around and would get caught by criminals easier.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince readers of his/her stance on the position of teen curfew laws. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“The curfew law can be good but i think it will do more harm. Kids will just sneak around and still get out. The laws would just make it harder for kids to get out but they would find a way. The laws can be good but they would make more of a job for the police.”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of teen curfew laws . (“The laws would stop some crime but not all. The criminals would just go to houses and break in. With the laws there would be more teen murders. There would be more murders because the teens would have to sneak around and would get caught by criminals easier.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates minimal organization. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I want to write about why i think that curfew laws are bad. If they ever have it they need to make acceptions for work,school and other stuff. No one knows why you are out there but it can be for good reasons. You can be out side for just about anything.”)

The essay does not reveal supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“The laws would stop some crime but not all. The criminals would just go to houses and break in. With the laws there would be more teen murders. There would be more murders because the teens would have to sneak around and would get caught by criminals easier.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that leaves readers with something to think concerning the issue at hand. (“In conclusion i want to say that i think that the laws are stupid. it might stop crime but there may become more crime. the people that like the idea might be right but i don't think so. I think that curfew laws are bad and we should not have them!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. The writer employs short, choppy sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“The curfew law can be good but i think it will do more harm. Kids will just sneak around and still get out. The laws would just make it harder for kids to get out but they would find a way. ”)

The writer’s word choices are very basic and, at times, inappropriate for the purpose of the task. (“In conclusion i want to say that i think that the laws are stupid. it might stop crime but there may become more crime. the people that like the idea might be right but i don't think so.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“I want to write about why i think that curfew laws are bad. If they ever have it they need to make acceptions for work,school and other stuff. No one knows why you are out there but it can be for good reasons. You can be out side for just about anything.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

i agree that kids should not have to have a cerfew that are 12 and up. it is a stupid law that should never be put into place kids could be doing anything ya just because there are a couple of kids who comit a crime that doesnt mean the government has to ruin childhood for the rest of us. it is not the goverments job to be are parents thats why we have parents and we arent all in isolation untill we are adults this society needs to pull there ideas out of there.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning; therefore, it satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion for the argument presented, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The writer reveals a stance on the issue of teen curfew laws but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers. The writer merely focuses on government interference and does not support these ideas with statistics or examples. (“it is a stupid law that should never be put into place kids could be doing anything ya just because there are a couple of kids who comit a crime that doesnt mean the government has to ruin childhood for the rest of us. it is not the goverments job to be are parents thats why we have parents and we arent all in isolation untill we are adults this society needs to pull there ideas out of there.”)

The writer does not fully demonstrate an understanding of audience since some inappropriate language is used in the response. (“ it is a stupid law that should never be put into place kids could be doing anything ya just because there are a couple of kids who comit a crime that doesnt mean the government has to ruin childhood for the rest of us. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ i agree that kids should not have to have a cerfew that are 12 and up. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use sufficient details to support his/her arguments on the issue of teen curfew laws. Additionally, the essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“it is a stupid law that should never be put into place kids could be doing anything ya just because there are a couple of kids who comit a crime that doesnt mean the government has to ruin childhood for the rest of us. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“i agree that kids should not have to have a cerfew that are 12 and up. it is a stupid law that should never be put into place kids could be doing anything ya just because there are a couple of kids who comit a crime that doesnt mean the government has to ruin childhood for the rest of us. it is not the goverments job to be are parents thats why we have parents and we arent all in isolation untill we are adults this society needs to pull there ideas out of there.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“i agree that kids should not have to have a cerfew that are 12 and up. it is a stupid law… ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ i agree that kids should not have to have a cerfew that are 12 and up. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ it is a stupid law that should never be put into place kids could be doing anything ya just because there are a couple of kids who comit a crime that doesnt mean the government has to ruin childhood for the rest of us. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about or tells them what to do next. (“it is not the goverments job to be are parents thats why we have parents and we arent all in isolation untill we are adults this society needs to pull there ideas out of there.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively. (“i agree that kids should not have to have a cerfew that are 12 and up.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. (“it is not the goverments job to be are parents thats why we have parents and we arent all in isolation untill we are adults this society needs to pull there ideas out of there. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ it is a stupid law that should never be put into place kids could be doing anything ya just because there are a couple of kids who comit a crime that doesnt mean the government has to ruin childhood for the rest of us. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ it is a stupid law that should never be put into place kids could be doing anything ya just because there are a couple of kids who comit a crime that doesnt mean the government has to ruin childhood for the rest of us. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Effects of TV

Is watching television harmful or helpful? After reading the provided texts, write an essay that argues your position on whether television viewing is harmful or helpful. Support your position with evidence from the texts. Be sure to discuss competing views.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was a hot day in May when Carlos got back from school. "My brother is in his room and my parents are just sleeping in their bedroom." Carlos thought. "I need to do something so we can all bond together." As Carlos kept thinking he had just thought of the perfect solution. Carlos exclaimed. "We can all watch a movie together!" He got his brother and parents and they all watched a movie. They all had an amazing fun time together. As Carlos smiled he looked at his family and thought. "I'm glad we were able to watch a movie and bond together." Clearly, watching television is helpful.

My very first reason is that television can "babysit" kids. For example, when a mom has to take care of 5 children, do the dishes, make dinner, and clean up the house. The mom can just simply put the kids in front of a TV. By doing this the kids will be able to just watch the TV and not distract the mom. It will keep the kids occupied and they can only watch the TV for a limited time until the mom is finished with her work. It will make the mom so much happier and make her things to do even easier. She will be able to finish her work early and do some extra things in the time that she had saved. Television can "babysit" the kids while the parent does something.

Secondly, watching TV can help families bond together. Instead of hanging out or sitting at home on your iPod. Your family can get together and watch a movie. If your family watches a movie that entertains or interests you a lot then your family could have a discussion and get bonded together more. It helps a lot by gaining a lot of relationships with your family members. By watching movies or shows then you increase how well you interact with each other. Once you get bonded well then it leads up to other family activities. By watching TV it helps with bonding with family.

My third reason is kids can develop interests. For example, a kid can turn to the nature channel and see a polar bear. That kid will get really interested and will do further research. If that cycle keeps going the kid will gain a lot of knowledge and get smarter. Then the kid will get good grades in school because of all of the things he has learned. When kids watch something on TV they get really interested and watch it more. Some shows on TV also gives you information and could tell you a lot of things that you didn't know. Watching TV can develop interests that will lead to further research.

My fourth reason is it can help someone with a second language. If a student is a native English speaker but is taking Spanish at school then he/she can go on a Spanish channel and listen. By listening it is proved to help you understand and speak more fluently and catch on more. On the other hand, if you are a Spanish native speaker but are taking English as a language then you can go to an English speaking channel. By doing this kids will be able to learn easier and speak it better in school and get better grades. People can learn from TV for their second language.

Some people think that kids get distracted or addicted. However they are mistaken because it can help kids understand and learn more about things they are interested in. For example, if a kid is doing their homework on monkeys then they can just flip to the animal channel and learn more about monkeys. By doing this it can give them more reliable information and help them get a better grade.

In conclusion, watching television is helpful. Television will be able to "babysit" kids, it will help with bonding, it will develop interests, and help kids with their second language. Television can help people and kids in many ways. By watching it can raise students’ grades and help with their interests. Kids all over the world should start watching TV.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at beginning of the introduction. (“As Carlos smiled he looked at his family and thought. ‘I'm glad we were able to watch a movie and bond together.’ Clearly, watching television is helpful.”) After the essay grabs the readers’ attention, it follows with an opinionative statement. All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the author’s own opinion. (“Some people think that kids get distracted or addicted. However they are mistaken because it can help kids understand and learn more about things they are interested in.”) Details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including or challenging readers. (“For example, if a kid is doing their homework on monkeys then they can just flip to the animal channel and learn more about monkeys.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. Essays at this level always use paragraphing to separate ideas. The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. Transition words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. In this case, the transitions used are very primitive, but they do allow the readers to move between ideas. (“ My fourth reason is it can help someone with a second language.”) Finally, the author ends with a conclusion that helps summarize the main idea and provide closure. (“ By watching it can raise students’ grades and help with their interests. Kids all over the world should start watching TV.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors present never impede meaning. In this case, there are minor errors, but they do not significantly impact the author’s credibility. (“ Some shows on TV also gives you information and could tell you a lot of things that you didn't know.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors present never impede meaning and do not significantly interfere with the author’s credibility or message. (“ For example, when a mom has to take care of 5 children, do the dishes, make dinner, and clean up the house.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever thought that your teen watches too much TV? You are probably right. The average American teenager watches 2.7 hours of TV every day. It can effect relationships between families and make their grades drop. Watching this much TV clearly causes unhealthy habits.

First of all, television effects teenagers in many ways. It can effect teens in school; for example, it makes them not want to go to school. In recent studies it can make their grades drop with just one hour of TV a day. Iimagine what would happen if they watched 3-4 hours a day. Also they wont have a good future education. When teenagers watch TV they don't talk or think about anything else. Therefore watching TV is harmful.

Secondly, television effects the environment in a negative way and doesn’t teach them responsibility. The way if effects the environment is we have all of this pollution from using a lot of electricity. Also having teens watch so much TV does not teach them anything especially about responsibility. Teens don't watch educational shows either. Therefore, watching TV is harmful.

Lastly, it is unhealthy for teens to go hours sitting and watching a screen. Watching this much TV can cause child obesity, which can lead to obesity later in life. Having child obesity effects teens’ everyday; one out of three teens is obese. Having a disorder like this can lead to heart problems blood problems and even diabetes. This affects the teen emotionally because they get bullied about their weight and they don't feel self confident about themselves either. Therefore, watching TV is harmful physically as well as emotionally.

Some people may argue that television gives families a reason to spend time together. However, they are mistaken because most families don't even talk when watching TV. They just zone out. A few people think that educational shows put kids in touch with different cultures and new languages. However they are mistaken, because most kids that watch an educational show don't learn from it at all. Therefore, watching TV is harmful.

As you can see, TV is harmful. It is a educational issue, causes obesity and damages the environment. Also, it does not provide families with a healthier relationship like some people argue. Television should be monitored carefully because it can affect a teens in a very negative way. Television has negative and positive things about it, but for the most part, the effects are negative.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Have you ever thought that your teen watches too much TV? You are probably right. The average American teenager watches 2.7 hours of TV every day.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning, which helps define that paragraph’s content. The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Watching this much TV clearly causes unhealthy habits.”) Transition words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“As you can see, TV is harmful. It is a educational issue, causes obesity and damages the environment. Also, it does not provide families with a healthier relationship like some people argue.”) The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“ Television has negative and positive things about it, but for the most part, the effects are negative. Watching TV is harmful.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety. The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“It can effect teens in school; for example, it makes them not want to go to school.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, but errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“Iimagine what would happen if they watched 3-4 hours a day. Also they wont have a good future education.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Television is almost as 'essential' as food to some or most people in their everyday life. And that means it has a very influential effect on the people watching it. Anything inappropriate shown on television could be imitated by them, and this could lead to unwanted induced violence.

In television, violent images are seen in films, commercials, sitcoms, cartoons, news broadcasts, and reality-based programs. More of these types of so-called-violent programs are being shown, rather than educational ones, because it is more interesting to most people. These preferred TV programs encourages program-makers to make more of what the audiences want. The purpose of mass media is to sell audiences to advertisers, and violence is a predictable way to guarantee a large audience.

The other cause of this induced violence is from watching shows with violent heroes doing 'glamorized' violence. These 'attractive' heroes may psychologically arouse some people, most probable their fans, to copy the action of their idolized hero. For example, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays as a cyborg in the movie The Terminator. His capabilities, in the movie, to withstand bullets or fighting villains without being hurt, would seem like the most effective way to solve a problem. People would, too, start to fantasize about being able to do the same thing.

Susan R. Johnson, M.D., Assistant Clinical Professor of Pediatrics, and also a mother of one, have investigated and observed her own son in one of her experimental observation. After watching 'Mission Impossible' in the airplane, even without any sounds on, with the images itself has caused nightmares on her son for 6 months. Cartoons nowadays also contribute to the factor. They show cartoon character fighting the 'bad guys'. Little kids aren't expected to know the difference between what's real and what's pretend.

And that is my thought on the matter.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience and rarely or does not include slang or other versions of informal language. Informal language used does not detract from the author’s credibility. (“Little kids aren't expected to know the difference between what's real and what's pretend.”) Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization. The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. It is insightful and thought provoking. (“Television is almost as 'essential' as food to some or most people in their everyday life. And that means it has a very influential effect on the people watching it.”) Transitions are used adequately to move between ideas. Sadly, the author provides very little in the way of concluding remarks. Ideally, the author should attempt to summarize the main idea, but instead, the essay ends very abruptly. (“And that is my thought on the matter.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Word choices are sometimes poor. (“Cartoons nowadays also contribute to the factor.”) Essays at this level occasionally contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. In this case, there are some noticeable errors, but readers can infer the author’s intent. (“ These 'attractive' heroes may psychologically arouse some people, most probable their fans, to copy the action of their idolized hero”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“ People would, too, start to fantasize about being able to do the same thing.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What is your favorite Television show? My favorite TV show is Everybody Hates Chris! I think televiosion is and can be bad for you in a couple ways but there are some upsides to watching tv.

To begin with, the bad sides of watching televisions are first, it can take away sporting activities out of your day. Instead of watching television, you could be playing a game of tag, basketball, football, lacrosse, or vollyball! You could be pumping your heart, losing weight, and getting some fresh air but when your inside your doing nothing, not even exercising your own eye balls.

When I was in the Fifth grade, my school did a week long project to see if the class with the longest with the hours outside of your house and not watching televisionwould win a pizza party and everyday for a week. I went over to my neighbors house and I would play basketball for hours at a time and our class won!

In 2010 the United States took a survey and the average american teenager watches about 2.7 hours of television per day. with all that time a week,I could be playing basketball or hanging out with my friends. An example of this is everyday that I come home from school, I always see my sister downstairs, on the couch, watching television.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position/thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The writer demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience but completes some parts of the task. A limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience is expressed. The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention, but it does so in an odd and ineffective way. The background information provided is not related to the main idea. (“What is your favorite Television show? My favorite TV show is Everybody Hates Chris!”) In addition, the language is only somewhat appropriate for the audience. (“I went over to my neighbors house and I would play basketball for hours at a time and our class won!”) Essays at this level occasionally contain irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. Like the higher-level essays, the author remembers to include important and telling statistics. (“In 2010 the United States took a survey and the average american teenager watches about 2.7 hours of television per day. with all that time a week,I could be playing basketball or hanging out with my friends.”) Ideas that are addressed are not fully explored. The author should provide details that explain the importance of certain events. In this case, the author does not attempt to provide readers with an alternative point of view or counterargument. Ideally, the author should include more details and address possible counterarguments.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. There is evidence of some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas, but they are poorly constructed. (“To begin with, the bad sides of watching televisions are first, it can take away sporting activities out of your day.”) Finally, the author does a poor job of summarizing the main ideas of the essay. It also provides the readers with no sense of closure. (“An example of this is everyday that I come home from school, I always see my sister downstairs, on the couch, watching television.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety. The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. Essays at this level contain sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they are too short and lack sophistication. Usually, this indicates a lack of variety in sentence structure. Essays at this level have some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. Some of the writer’s ideas are interesting, but poor language usage inhibits the writer’s credibility. (“You could be pumping your heart, losing weight, and getting some fresh air but when your inside your doing nothing, not even exercising your own eye balls.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each new paragraph is indented, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have some errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present may impede meaning. (“with all that time a week,I could be playing basketball or hanging out with my friends.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Is TV Good or Bad for teenagers? TV is a Bad for you cause teens are getting poor grades out of watching TV instead of doing homework. If you don't succeed in school then you will not have a good job, and if you don't have a good job, you won't have good money to spend on a TV. It is ok to watch a little TV, but not too much. You can do your homework after your done watching TV. Most teens are watching so much TV that they don't even care if the teacher gets mad at them for talking

TV is also Good for teenagers cause they become more social, and sometimes they can learn a new language, and even have better connections to others, and they can have deeper studying time, or more Education cause channels like the History channel or the National Geographic Channel You can learn new things that might even help you in class. I am "for" watching TV cause even I learn new things from the channels I told about. The channels are similar cause they both talk about history and modern day technology.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. The essay does have a thesis, but it is not consistently supported throughout the response. (“TV is a Bad for you cause teens are getting poor grades out of watching TV instead of doing homework.”) Much of the essay is devoted to extolling the positive elements of television instead of supporting the thesis. (“am "for" watching TV cause even I learn new things from the channels I told about. The channels are similar cause they both talk about history and modern day technology.”) The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. Essays at this level may or may not contain irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. Ideas that are provided do not clearly support the thesis. (“It is ok to watch a little TV, but not too much. You can do your homework after your done watching TV.”) The essay should include at least three main ideas as evidence with additional details used for support.

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. It has little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not contain paragraphing to separate ideas. In this case, there is some use of paragraphing, but the introduction is very brief and not easily separated from the rest of the essay. (“Is TV Good or Bad for teenagers? TV is a Bad for you cause teens are getting poor grades out of watching TV instead of doing homework.”) Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. There is no easily identifiable conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. There is a minimal variety of sentences in this essay. Essays at this level often have errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. (“I am "for" watching TV cause even I learn new things from the channels I told about. The channels are similar cause they both talk about history and modern day technology.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. In this case, missing periods are especially damaging to the author’s credibility. (“TV is also Good for teenagers cause they become more social, and sometimes they can learn a new language, and even have better connections to others, and they can have deeper studying time, or more Education cause channels like the History channel or the National Geographic Channel You can learn new things that might even help you in class.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Tv can be very helpful in ways but in other ways it can be very harmful, it can be prude, and inapropreit. But in other ways it can be educational. There are the channels that are bad and the channels that are good. The good channels conist of educational and scientific TV shows. The bad consist of horror, action, and of course humr. The bad aren't alway bad. Sometimes the good aren't best to watch.

Most shows and movies on TV

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. The author does have a thesis, but it is poorly constructed and difficult to follow. (“Tv can be very helpful in ways but in other ways it can be very harmful, it can be prude, and inapropreit.”) In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. The author should try to provide additional background information to help readers understand the content.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. The author does attempt to provide a list of good and bad characteristics of watching television, but additional detail is necessary to explain how some of these ideas are potentially harmful. (“The good channels conist of educational and scientific TV shows. The bad consist of horror, action, and of course humr.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. There is no conclusion. The essay ends abruptly. (“Most shows and movies on TV”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present often impede meaning. (“The bad aren't alway bad. Sometimes the good aren't best to watch.”)

The First Amendment

There have been many important amendments to the United States Constitution. Some people argue that the First Amendment is the most important of all because it protects some of our most fundamental freedoms.

Do you believe the First Amendment is the most important amendment to the United States Constitution? Why or why not? Write a well-developed essay in which you convince the reader to accept your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Bill of Rights consists of the first ten Amendments to the Constitution, the first of which pertains to the freedom of expression. Some people believe the First Amendment is the most important amendment, because it gives the freedom to show their opinion. But that is not true. All of the Amendments to the Constitution are equally important. Some amendments, which brought about changes that mean little to us at the present day, were very important to others when they were created. If we look deeper, we will find that they do, indeed, mean more to us than we think. Some amendments in that category include slavery abolishment, voting rights, rights of accused persons, and other rights that are not included in the Constitution or Amendments.

First, the rights of people of different races and women are included in the Amendments. The Thirteenth Amendment states: "Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States , or any place subject to their jurisdiction." This amendment freed all slaves and was very important and appreciated at the time of creation. Equality makes up one of the best rights guaranteed to citizens, and so the Thirteenth Amendment is naturally placed among the other more coveted amendments. "The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or any state on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude." - The Fifteenth Amendment. This amendment extends another right that was long sought after by Native Americans, African Americans, and many other people of different races: the right to vote. For everyone to be equal, everyone must be guaranteed equal rights, including women. The Nineteenth Amendment states: "The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex." This statement was a cause for much celebration to the women who had fought long and hard for their suffrage. Though we may take it for granted, this right is a great impact on us and on the election outcome. Equal rights and protection are guaranteed to every citizen, no matter their "race, color, or previous condition of servitude" or gender. So, as the "Land of the Free," we extend rights even to the criminals.

In the Fifth, Sixth, Seventh and Eighth Amendments are listed the "Rights of the Accused," or rights of people taken to court. Even if they are believed to be guilty or even if they are, they are still entitled to certain rights. As stated in the Fifth Amendment: "No person shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property without the due process of law." It also goes on to state the right the accused has to not be put in double jeopardy and not be made to testify against themselves. These rights are fundamental to the accused because they guarantee that the accused will be treated fairly. More rights are given in the Sixth Amendment. " The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trail, by am impartial jury and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense." This amendment secures the accused's rights to a fair trial, the knowledge of his charges and witnesses, and a lawyer or attorney. These rights make sure that the accused has a fair hearing. The Eighth Amendment covers the bail and punishment for the accused. "Excessive bail shall not be required, for excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted." This assures the accused that they will have fair bails and fines, and they will not be punished cruelly nor tortured. Many accused people, guilty or not, have good reason to be thankful for their rights.

All citizens are also assured that these are not all their rights. We are still entitled to rights that are not mentioned in the Amendments or the Constitution. Amendment Ten concludes: "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people." It is comforting to know, indeed, that the people are in charge of the government, not vice versa. The United States , as previously stated, is country of equality and freedom, where anyone and everyone is guaranteed equal rights and protection. Some may argue that not all the Amendments are important, such as the Eighteenth; it was utterly useless. But although one or two Amendments were not as important, the rest are of equal importance.

As one can see, the First Amendment is not the most important amendment to the Constitution. Some, such as the Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Tenth, Thirteenth, Fifteenth, or Nineteenth, do not seem as important as the First, but just because we do not use them daily does not indicate that they are unimportant. They truly make changes in our lives; sometimes we are too busy to notice. But they are all there, securing our rights and freedom as we move on in our busy lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful position, effectively persuades readers, illustrates a thorough understanding of purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“All citizens are also assured that these are not all their rights. We are still entitled to rights that are not mentioned in the Amendments or the Constitution. Amendment Ten concludes: ‘The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.’ It is comforting to know, indeed, that the people are in charge of the government, not vice versa. The United States , as previously stated, is country of equality and freedom, where anyone and everyone is guaranteed equal rights and protection. Some may argue that not all the Amendments are important, such as the Eighteenth; it was utterly useless. But although one or two Amendments were not as important, the rest are of equal importance.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“All of the Amendments to the Constitution are equally important. Some amendments, which brought about changes that mean little to us at the present day, were very important to others when they were created. If we look deeper, we will find that they do, indeed, mean more to us than we think. Some amendments in that category include slavery abolishment, voting rights, rights of accused persons, and other rights that are not included in the Constitution or Amendments.”)

The essay is effectively focused on the controlling idea and includes details about why the First Amendment is not actually the most significant. (“ For everyone to be equal, everyone must be guaranteed equal rights, including women. The Nineteenth Amendment states: ‘The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex.’ This statement was a cause for much celebration to the women who had fought long and hard for their suffrage. Though we may take it for granted, this right is a great impact on us and on the election outcome. Equal rights and protection are guaranteed to every citizen, no matter their ‘race, color, or previous condition of servitude’ or gender. So, as the ‘Land of the Free,’ we extend rights even to the criminals.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes very effective content and development. Arguments are developed effectively, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. The writer convincingly addresses his/her readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“The United States , as previously stated, is country of equality and freedom, where anyone and everyone is guaranteed equal rights and protection. Some may argue that not all the Amendments are important, such as the Eighteenth; it was utterly useless. But although one or two Amendments were not as important, the rest are of equal importance.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes. (“First, the rights of people of different races and women are included in the Amendments. The Thirteenth Amendment states: ‘Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States , or any place subject to their jurisdiction.’ This amendment freed all slaves and was very important and appreciated at the time of creation. Equality makes up one of the best rights guaranteed to citizens, and so the Thirteenth Amendment is naturally placed among the other more coveted amendments. ‘The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or any state on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude.’ - The Fifteenth Amendment. This amendment extends another right that was long sought after by Native Americans, African Americans, and many other people of different races: the right to vote. For everyone to be equal, everyone must be guaranteed equal rights, including women. The Nineteenth Amendment states: ‘The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex.’ This statement was a cause for much celebration to the women who had fought long and hard for their suffrage. Though we may take it for granted, this right is a great impact on us and on the election outcome. Equal rights and protection are guaranteed to every citizen, no matter their ‘race, color, or previous condition of servitude’ or gender. So, as the ‘Land of the Free,’ we extend rights even to the criminals.”)

The details are clear, correct, and specific. (“In the Fifth, Sixth, Seventh and Eighth Amendments are listed the ‘Rights of the Accused,’ or rights of people taken to court. Even if they are believed to be guilty or even if they are, they are still entitled to certain rights. As stated in the Fifth Amendment: ‘No person shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property without the due process of law.’ It also goes on to state the right the accused has to not be put in double jeopardy and not be made to testify against themselves. These rights are fundamental to the accused because they guarantee that the accused will be treated fairly. More rights are given in the Sixth Amendment. ‘ The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trail, by am impartial jury and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.’ This amendment secures the accused's rights to a fair trial, the knowledge of his charges and witnesses, and a lawyer or attorney. These rights make sure that the accused has a fair hearing. The Eighth Amendment covers the bail and punishment for the accused. ‘Excessive bail shall not be required, for excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.’ This assures the accused that they will have fair bails and fines, and they will not be punished cruelly nor tortured. Many accused people, guilty or not, have good reason to be thankful for their rights.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates very effective organization. It includes a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, along with effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“The Bill of Rights consists of the first ten Amendments to the Constitution, the first of which pertains to the freedom of expression. Some people believe the First Amendment is the most important amendment, because it gives the freedom to show their opinion. But that is not true. All of the Amendments to the Constitution are equally important. Some amendments, which brought about changes that mean little to us at the present day, were very important to others when they were created. If we look deeper, we will find that they do, indeed, mean more to us than we think. Some amendments in that category include slavery abolishment, voting rights, rights of accused persons, and other rights that are not included in the Constitution or Amendments.”)

The writer effectively uses transitional devices to lead readers to the conclusion. (“First, the rights of people of different races and women are included in the Amendments. …As one can see, the First Amendment is not the most important amendment to the Constitution.”)

The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“As one can see, the First Amendment is not the most important amendment to the Constitution. Some, such as the Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Tenth, Thirteenth, Fifteenth, or Nineteenth, do not seem as important as the First, but just because we do not use them daily does not indicate that they are unimportant. They truly make changes in our lives; sometimes we are too busy to notice. But they are all there, securing our rights and freedom as we move on in our busy lives.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay illustrates very effective use of language and style. The writer uses precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer constructs his/her essay with well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“As one can see, the First Amendment is not the most important amendment to the Constitution. Some, such as the Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Tenth, Thirteenth, Fifteenth, or Nineteenth, do not seem as important as the First, but just because we do not use them daily does not indicate that they are unimportant. They truly make changes in our lives; sometimes we are too busy to notice. But they are all there, securing our rights and freedom as we move on in our busy lives.”)

The writer uses varied sentences by forming or adding sentences with exclamation/question marks or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“They truly make changes in our lives; sometimes we are too busy to notice.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ Some, such as the Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Tenth, Thirteenth, Fifteenth, or Nineteenth, do not seem as important as the First, but just because we do not use them daily does not indicate that they are unimportant.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“If we look deeper, we will find that they do, indeed, mean more to us than we think. Some amendments in that category include slavery abolishment, voting rights, rights of accused persons, and other rights that are not included in the Constitution or Amendments.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I believe that the First Amendment is one of the most important amendments in the Constitution. If the First Amendment was not in the Constitution, the citizens of the United States would get punished for believing and stating their opinion. The First Amendment protects our rights that the government should never have control over.

First of all, people would not be able to believe in what they want to. They would not be able to practice a religion they choose to believe in. If we did not have the freedom of religion, the government could take control of our personal lives. In the 13 American colonies, some states did not allow people to practice a different religion. If you did not practice a particular religion, you would get kick out of the state. If you wanted to practice a different religion, you would lose your home and get punished. Then you would have to live somewhere else. Without the freedom of religion, everyone, including myself, would not be able to practice a special religion without a penalty.

Second of all, without the freedom of speech, people would not be able to disagree with others without a punishment. Everyone would not be able to say their opinion and disagree with the government. King George III in England executed people for disagreeing with the government. If you even said one bad thing about King George III or the government, you would receive a punishment. I should be able to say my opinion without the fear of the government. We all should be able to speak out and make a difference with our voice.

Last of all, citizens of the United States would not be able to protest without the freedom to assemble and petition. In reality, people disagree with the government and they act to what they believe in. They sign petitions and gather together to protest against the government. Everyone has a right to be heard and disagree with others. If they could not, all the wrong choices would be made by the government. King George III did not approve of any protesting or petitioning. If you protested against him or even send him a petition, he would make you suffer for disagreeing with his choice. He would resolve the problem with violence and tax you even more. It is not just the government that controls the United States ; the United States belongs to the people and the government.

Although some people may feel that there are other amendments that are more important, I still feel that the first amendment is the most significant presents some basic, essential freedoms. Yes, all of the amendments are important, but without the first amendment, we clearly would not be where we are today.

In conclusion, without the First Amendment, the government could take control of our personal lives and punish us for stating and believing in our opinion. These freedoms are what the people of the United States need to disagree with the government and start to take control in what they believe in. This is why I believe that the First amendment is the most important amendment.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear position, persuades readers, illustrates a general understanding of purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ Second of all, without the freedom of speech, people would not be able to disagree with others without a punishment. Everyone would not be able to say their opinion and disagree with the government. King George III in England executed people for disagreeing with the government. If you even said one bad thing about King George III or the government, you would receive a punishment. I should be able to say my opinion without the fear of the government. We all should be able to speak out and make a difference with our voice.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ I believe that the First Amendment is one of the most important amendments in the Constitution. If the First Amendment was not in the Constitution, the citizens of the United States would get punished for believing and stating their opinion. The First Amendment protects our rights that the government should never have control over.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ Although some people may feel that there are other amendments that are more important, I still feel that the first amendment is the most significant presents some basic, essential freedoms. Yes, all of the amendments are important, but without the first amendment, we clearly would not be where we are today.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes good content and development. Arguments are developed using sufficient, specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. The writer clearly addresses his/her readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ Although some people may feel that there are other amendments that are more important, I still feel that the first amendment is the most significant presents some basic, essential freedoms. Yes, all of the amendments are important, but without the first amendment, we clearly would not be where we are today.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“ First of all, people would not be able to believe in what they want to. They would not be able to practice a religion they choose to believe in. If we did not have the freedom of religion, the government could take control of our personal lives. In the 13 American colonies, some states did not allow people to practice a different religion. If you did not practice a particular religion, you would get kick out of the state. If you wanted to practice a different religion, you would lose your home and get punished. Then you would have to live somewhere else. Without the freedom of religion, everyone, including myself, would not be able to practice a special religion without a penalty.”)

The writer uses details to explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ Second of all, without the freedom of speech, people would not be able to disagree with others without a punishment. Everyone would not be able to say their opinion and disagree with the government. King George III in England executed people for disagreeing with the government. If you even said one bad thing about King George III or the government, you would receive a punishment. I should be able to say my opinion without the fear of the government. We all should be able to speak out and make a difference with our voice.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates good organization. It includes a mostly unified structure and a good introduction and conclusion, along with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer uses transitional devices to lead readers to the conclusion. (“ First of all, people would not be able to believe in what they want to. …Second of all, without the freedom of speech, people would not be able to disagree with others without a punishment. …Last of all, citizens of the United States would not be able to protest without the freedom to assemble and petition. …Although some people may feel that there are other amendments that are more important, I still feel that the first amendment is the most significant presents some basic, essential freedoms. …In conclusion, without the First Amendment, the government could take control of our personal lives and punish us for stating and believing in our opinion.”)

The details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“ Second of all, without the freedom of speech, people would not be able to disagree with others without a punishment. Everyone would not be able to say their opinion and disagree with the government. King George III in England executed people for disagreeing with the government. If you even said one bad thing about King George III or the government, you would receive a punishment. I should be able to say my opinion without the fear of the government. We all should be able to speak out and make a difference with our voice.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ In conclusion, without the First Amendment, the government could take control of our personal lives and punish us for stating and believing in our opinion. These freedoms are what the people of the United States need to disagree with the government and start to take control in what they believe in. This is why I believe that the First amendment is the most important amendment.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay illustrates good use of language and style. The writer uses appropriate language and word choice, and the essay exhibits some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also present.

The writer uses varied sentences by forming or adding sentences with exclamation/question marks or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ It is not just the government that controls the United States ; the United States belongs to the people and the government.”)

The writer combines short sentences with conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“ Yes, all of the amendments are important, but without the first amendment, we clearly would not be where we are today.”)

The following complex sentence is used well: “ Although some people may feel that there are other amendments that are more important, I still feel that the first amendment is the most significant presents some basic, essential freedoms.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and any that are present do not interfere with communication of the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ If you did not practice a particular religion, you would get kick out of the state. If you wanted to practice a different religion, you would lose your home and get punished. Then you would have to live somewhere else. Without the freedom of religion, everyone, including myself, would not be able to practice a special religion without a penalty.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Though many people believe the First Amendment is the most important,I strongly disagree. Yes, the First Amendment is very important; I, in fact think, it's among the most important Amendments. But to me the Amendments banning segregation, discrimination and slavery are the most important.

The Thirteenth Amendment abolished slavery. Is the freeing of an entire race from bondage not more important than saying you can have the freedom of expression. But I will grant you this; without the First Amendment, those slaves still would be very limited. But blacks weren't the only ones to benefit from the Thirteenth Amenment. It also stats that no one shall be forced into involuntary servitued to another person. That means anybody. Whites, blacks, Jews, and Quakers could never be bound to another man again.

The Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments folow up the Thirteenth. The Fourteenth says that "All person's born or naturlized in the United States , and are subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and the State wherein they reside." That means if you were born here and you can be persicuted by us, then they are citizens That garunteed blacks and other minority groups the rights of citizens of the majority.

The Fifteenth says that "The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude." That means that the government cannot stop you from voting because of your race or if you were a newly freed slave. Sadly this Amendment only applied to men.

The Nineteenth Amendment gave woman the righ to vote. Because all races could vote, that meant ALL woman regardless of race could vote. But unles those women could pay they couldn't vote, which is completely unfair. The Twenty-Fourth Amenment banned all taxation of the polls. That meant that no matter who you were, as long as you were old enough you could vote without taxation.

In conclusion I think that the First, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth, Nineteenth, and Twenty-Fourth Amendments are the most important. Without them people wouldn't have the freedoms they enjoy today. Slavery would still be around woman, and people of non-European ethnicities wouldn't be able to vote. I wouldn't even be able to type this essay!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a position , adequately attempts to persuade readers , illustrates a basic understanding of purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ The Thirteenth Amendment abolished slavery. Is the freeing of an entire race from bondage not more important than saying you can have the freedom of expression. But I will grant you this; without the First Amendment, those slaves still would be very limited. But blacks weren't the only ones to benefit from the Thirteenth Amenment. It also stats that no one shall be forced into involuntary servitued to another person. That means anybody. Whites, blacks, Jews, and Quakers could never be bound to another man again.”)

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ Though many people believe the First Amendment is the most important,I strongly disagree. Yes, the First Amendment is very important; I, in fact think, it's among the most important Amendments. But to me the Amendments banning segregation, discrimination and slavery are the most important.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples. (“ Though many people believe the First Amendment is the most important,I strongly disagree. Yes, the First Amendment is very important; I, in fact think, it's among the most important Amendments. But to me the Amendments banning segregation, discrimination and slavery are the most important. …The Thirteenth Amendment abolished slavery. …The Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments folow up the Thirteenth. …The Fifteenth says that ‘The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude.’ …The Nineteenth Amendment gave woman the righ to vote.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes adequate content and development. A rguments are developed using some specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. The writer adequately addresses his/her readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ Though many people believe the First Amendment is the most important,I strongly disagree. Yes, the First Amendment is very important; I, in fact think, it's among the most important Amendments. But to me the Amendments banning segregation, discrimination and slavery are the most important.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“ The Thirteenth Amendment abolished slavery. Is the freeing of an entire race from bondage not more important than saying you can have the freedom of expression. But I will grant you this; without the First Amendment, those slaves still would be very limited. But blacks weren't the only ones to benefit from the Thirteenth Amenment. It also stats that no one shall be forced into involuntary servitued to another person. That means anybody. Whites, blacks, Jews, and Quakers could never be bound to another man again.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas are adequate. (“ The Thirteenth Amendment abolished slavery. Is the freeing of an entire race from bondage not more important than saying you can have the freedom of expression. But I will grant you this; without the First Amendment, those slaves still would be very limited. But blacks weren't the only ones to benefit from the Thirteenth Amenment. It also stats that no one shall be forced into involuntary servitued to another person. That means anybody. Whites, blacks, Jews, and Quakers could never be bound to another man again.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. It includes a generally unified structure and a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet it also contains an inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“ Though many people believe the First Amendment is the most important,I strongly disagree. Yes, the First Amendment is very important; I, in fact think, it's among the most important Amendments. But to me the Amendments banning segregation, discrimination and slavery are the most important.”)

The writer includes some transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“ In conclusion I think that the First, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth, Nineteenth, and Twenty-Fourth Amendments are the most important.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“ In conclusion I think that the First, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth, Nineteenth, and Twenty-Fourth Amendments are the most important. Without them people wouldn't have the freedoms they enjoy today. Slavery would still be around woman, and people of non-European ethnicities wouldn't be able to vote. I wouldn't even be able to type this essay!!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay illustrates adequate language use and style. The writer uses appropriate language and word choice, and the essay exhibits an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also provides correct sentence structure with some variety.

The sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The Thirteenth Amendment abolished slavery. Is the freeing of an entire race from bondage not more important than saying you can have the freedom of expression. But I will grant you this; without the First Amendment, those slaves still would be very limited. But blacks weren't the only ones to benefit from the Thirteenth Amenment. It also stats that no one shall be forced into involuntary servitued to another person. That means anybody. Whites, blacks, Jews, and Quakers could never be bound to another man again.”)

The writer sometimes uses varied sentences by forming or adding sentences with exclamation/question marks or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ Yes, the First Amendment is very important; I, in fact think, it's among the most important Amendments.”)

Word choice is sometimes poor. (“ unles those women could pay they couldn't vote, which is completely unfair. …In conclusion I think that the First, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth, Nineteenth, and Twenty-Fourth Amendments are the most important.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. Although there are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, they do not significantly interfere with communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The Twenty-Fourth Amenment banned all taxation of the polls. That meant that no matter who you were, as long as you were old enough you could vote without taxation.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are twenty seven amendments in the united states constitution but in my opinion, the first amendment is the most important amendment, because it protects our fundamental freedoms, which are religion speech and press. Without our fundamental rights that we have today, we would not have had liberty prosperity and peace in todays society. If it weren't for the first amendment, we wouldn't have the freedom to choose our religion, speak when we wanted to , or have the freedom of press. Even though there are many important amendments to the United States constitution, I believe that the first amendment is the most important.

Our fundamental freedoms are the freedoms being stressed out in the first amendment. Although, the the rest of the amendments protect some of our rights, they don't give us the rights of religion speech or press.We all know that without the freedoms of religion, speech, and press we would not have tranquillity or peace. I believe that most people, as well as I , are honored to have the first amendment because it protects our freedoms. These freedoms have insured us tranquillity and will for ever do so.

The first amendment is the most imprtant amenment of all the rest. Although, the rest of the amendments allow us many rights the first amendment has the most important and necessary rights we now have. Religin, speech, and press are always going to be the most important freedoms we now have. If it weren't for our fundamental rights,we would hve not been a peacful society. Our fundamental freedoms are the most important freedoms yet

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. It states a position, but the position may be unclear or underdeveloped. It illustrates limited understanding of purpose and audience, and it only completes some parts of the task.

The writer provides a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“There are twenty seven amendments in the united states constitution but in my opinion, the first amendment is the most important amendment, because it protects our fundamental freedoms, which are religion speech and press. Without our fundamental rights that we have today, we would not have had liberty prosperity and peace in todays society. If it weren't for the first amendment, we wouldn't have the freedom to choose our religion, speak when we wanted to , or have the freedom of press. Even though there are many important amendments to the United States constitution, I believe that the first amendment is the most important.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“ Our fundamental freedoms are the freedoms being stressed out in the first amendment. Although, the the rest of the amendments protect some of our rights, they don't give us the rights of religion speech or press.We all know that without the freedoms of religion, speech, and press we would not have tranquillity or peace. I believe that most people, as well as I , are honored to have the first amendment because it protects our freedoms. These freedoms have insured us tranquillity and will for ever do so.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear, convincing, or creative way. (“There are twenty seven amendments in the united states constitution but in my opinion, the first amendment is the most important amendment, because it protects our fundamental freedoms, which are religion speech and press. Without our fundamental rights that we have today, we would not have had liberty prosperity and peace in todays society. If it weren't for the first amendment, we wouldn't have the freedom to choose our religion, speak when we wanted to , or have the freedom of press. Even though there are many important amendments to the United States constitution, I believe that the first amendment is the most important.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes limited content and development. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support. The writer attempts to address his/her readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer is limited in addressing readers’ concerns or responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“ The first amendment is the most imprtant amenment of all the rest. Although, the rest of the amendments allow us many rights the first amendment has the most important and necessary rights we now have. Religin, speech, and press are always going to be the most important freedoms we now have.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas are limited. (“ Our fundamental freedoms are the freedoms being stressed out in the first amendment. Although, the the rest of the amendments protect some of our rights, they don't give us the rights of religion speech or press.We all know that without the freedoms of religion, speech, and press we would not have tranquillity or peace. I believe that most people, as well as I , are honored to have the first amendment because it protects our freedoms. These freedoms have insured us tranquillity and will for ever do so.”)

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“ The first amendment is the most imprtant amenment of all the rest. Although, the rest of the amendments allow us many rights the first amendment has the most important and necessary rights we now have. Religin, speech, and press are always going to be the most important freedoms we now have. If it weren't for our fundamental rights,we would hve not been a peacful society.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates limited organization. It provides some evidence of structure, but includes an uncertain introduction and conclusion, along with a lack of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives some background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ There are twenty seven amendments in the united states constitution but in my opinion, the first amendment is the most important amendment, because it protects our fundamental freedoms, which are religion speech and press. Without our fundamental rights that we have today, we would not have had liberty prosperity and peace in todays society. If it weren't for the first amendment, we wouldn't have the freedom to choose our religion, speak when we wanted to , or have the freedom of press. Even though there are many important amendments to the United States constitution, I believe that the first amendment is the most important.”)

The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. (“Our fundamental freedoms are the freedoms being stressed out in the first amendment. Although, the the rest of the amendments protect some of our rights, they don't give us the rights of religion speech or press.We all know that without the freedoms of religion, speech, and press we would not have tranquillity or peace. I believe that most people, as well as I , are honored to have the first amendment because it protects our freedoms. These freedoms have insured us tranquillity and will for ever do so.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“The first amendment is the most imprtant amenment of all the rest. Although, the rest of the amendments allow us many rights the first amendment has the most important and necessary rights we now have. Religin, speech, and press are always going to be the most important freedoms we now have. If it weren't for our fundamental rights,we would hve not been a peacful society. Our fundamental freedoms are the most important freedoms yet”)

Language Use & Style

The essay illustrates a limited use of language and style. The writer uses simple language and word choice, and the essay exhibits only some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The sentences lack well-developed structure. (“ The first amendment is the most imprtant amenment of all the rest. Although, the rest of the amendments allow us many rights the first amendment has the most important and necessary rights we now have.”)

The sentences are too long and have too many ideas. (“ There are twenty seven amendments in the united states constitution but in my opinion, the first amendment is the most important amendment, because it protects our fundamental freedoms, which are religion speech and press.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. (“ The first amendment is the most imprtant amenment of all the rest. Although, the rest of the amendments allow us many rights the first amendment has the most important and necessary rights we now have. Religin, speech, and press are always going to be the most important freedoms we now have.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with communication of the message. For example, the writer should, but does not always, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“I believe that most people, as well as I , are honored to have the first amendment because it protects our freedoms. These freedoms have insured us tranquillity and will for ever do so.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

There have been a lot of important amendments in the Constitution of the United States of America . However, I think that the amendment that is more important is the First Amendment. The First Amendmentis more important because it gives everybody freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition. Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. Little attempt is made to state a position, and only a minimal understanding of purpose and audience is illustrated. The writer c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“ There have been a lot of important amendments in the Constitution of the United States of America . However, I think that the amendment that is more important is the First Amendment. The First Amendmentis more important because it gives everybody freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition. Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ There have been a lot of important amendments in the Constitution of the United States of America . However, I think that the amendment that is more important is the First Amendment. The First Amendmentis more important because it gives everybody freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition. Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes m inimal content and development. Arguments are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer's opinion. (“ There have been a lot of important amendments in the Constitution of the United States of America . However, I think that the amendment that is more important is the First Amendment. The First Amendmentis more important because it gives everybody freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition. Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“ There have been a lot of important amendments in the Constitution of the United States of America . However, I think that the amendment that is more important is the First Amendment. The First Amendmentis more important because it gives everybody freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition. Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

The writer uses minimal details for support. (“ The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates m inimal organization. It includes little evidence of structure and a poor introduction and conclusion, along with little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction. (“ There have been a lot of important amendments in the Constitution of the United States of America . However, I think that the amendment that is more important is the First Amendment. The First Amendmentis more important because it gives everybody freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition. Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“ There have been a lot of important amendments in the Constitution of the United States of America . However, I think that the amendment that is more important is the First Amendment. The First Amendmentis more important because it gives everybody freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition. Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ There have been a lot of important amendments in the Constitution of the United States of America . However, I think that the amendment that is more important is the First Amendment. The First Amendmentis more important because it gives everybody freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition. Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is minimal at best. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, along with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are evident.

The sentences are not well structured. (“Although, I think that the freedom of speech is more importan than the other parts. The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest.”)

The sentences are too short. (“The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

There is a minimal variety of sentences in the essay. (“The First Amendments freedom of speech is the most omportant part than the rest. One reason is because you can say anything you want when you want to. Also, it's because you can speak to anyone you want. The last is that you can tell anyone whatever you fell like telling them.In conclusion, that is why I think the First Amendment is more important than the other amendments. The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“The First Amendment is important because of all it's qualites. Especialy the fredom of speech. which one do you think is more important.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate or no focus and meaning. No attempt is made at stating a position, and little effort is made to persuade readers. The writer completes few or no parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

The language of the essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

Content & Development

The writer includes inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt made to use details for support.

The essay does not include details that support the writer's opinion. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

The writer does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates inadequate or nonexistent organization. It includes no evidence of structure and no introduction or conclusion, along with no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does not provide an effective introduction. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the thesis of the essay. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are apparent. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice and no awareness of audience. Major errors exist in sentence structure and usage.

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“ Everybody thinks the first Amendment is the most important one out of 10 in the Bill of Rights. I think their crazy. As a student I do not even understand the amendment. I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

The sentences are not well structured. (“ I argue on that part but it being the best one.”)

The sentences are too short. (“ I think their crazy. …I think not.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate or no control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“I think their crazy. …I mean that of course a congress can not make decides without the president. I argue on that part but it being the best one. I think not. NO NO NO”)

The Internet as a Tool

The Internet can be seen as a tool with many uses. Many people use the Internet to conduct research and to keep in touch with friends and family. Although there is plenty of useful information found on the Internet, you have to be aware that not everything you read is trustworthy. How do you feel about communicating and conducting research on the Internet? Do you think the Internet is a useful tool that helps or harms learning and communication? Why do you think the way you do?

Write a multi-paragraph essay explaining whether you think the Internet helps or harms learning and communication. Use details, reasons, examples, logical arguments, and/or personal experiences to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

As we advance into a new millennium technology is transforming our society. Over the past century and a half, significant technological developments have created a global environment that is drawing the people of the world closer and closer together. Now these days many people rely on the computer and any other technology that has been invented. One common technology that has been used for a very long time is Internet. Internet is a global communication network that allows almost all computers worldwide to connect and exchange information. From my perspective, I believe that Internet helps people with so many things rather than it hurts them. Internet may contain unsuitable sites , however internet has become very useful in this century. Numerous of positive things that come out of the Internet include, research information, biographies, and other data.

As we get older in school teachers, most likely are to tell us to do research and that's one reason that internet to this day has helped people. It provides students, teachers, doctors, and others with so much information that sometimes when we get off the computer we tend to share interesting facts we didn't learn before to our friends, family, and teachers. Research on the computer mainly helps focus the student when they are writing there assignments. I for one have used the Internet many times to help me do assignments like, learn about Adolf Hitler, History, Biography's, and I have also used the Internet to write essays and take tests that are likely to be on the ISAT.

Internet can help learning and communicating because when a family member moves away you can communicate with them on the internet using yahoo messenger/mail, Gmail, MySpace, tag, and other various sites that help you to communicate with people. The internet also presents you with tools like a map if you decide to travel to a place you haven't been too before or would like to see new things. The internet is accessed by 300 million people this century and many people like lawyers, doctors, and also police officers.

Internet provides us a quick way to find things and learn about the significance of it. Many kids that are learn about different things and more advanced things using the internet than kids that don't use the internet; but in some cases that could be wrong. Study has shown that children that used the Internet more had higher standardized test scores I reading and higher grade point average (GPA's).

Some people might argue that the internet has some dangerous places and that it can provide incorrect information. This is true and should definitely be watched for, but the benefits outweigh the risk ten fold. Also, there are ways to protect yourself from the dangerous areas on the internet such as virus scanners and pop-up blockers. So really, as long as you’re careful, the internet is mostly a harmless place.

The Internet has many great things in it that helps people around the world. The internet helps connect people, search for directions, find houses, do research, homework assignments, and helps us learn about history. It also provides us to watch videos that are documental. Internet will never end it will simply expand and the more it expands the more people will learn about different things and they will see that one day the internet has changed. since time,, when only researchers like scientist only used it for their projects to the future where now days many people can access it no matter what. Technology will grow and people will grow with it as well. Internet has had a very good positive side to learning and communicating and over time it will keep getting better.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/thesis statement to effectively persuade the reader. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. (“As we advance into a new millennium technology is transforming our society. Over the past century and a half, significant technological developments have created a global environment that is drawing the people of the world closer and closer together.”) All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“It provides students, teachers, doctors, etc with so much information that sometimes when we get off the computer we tend to share interesting facts we didn't learn before to our friends, family, and teachers.”) The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Study has shown that children that used the Internet more had higher standardized test scores I reading and higher grade point average (GPA's).”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I for one have used the Internet many times to help me do assignments like, learn about Adolf Hitler, History, Biography's, and I have also used the Internet to write essays and take tests that are likely to be on the ISAT.”) Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Internet can help learning and communicating because when a family member moves away you can communicate with them on the internet using yahoo messenger/mail, Gmail, MySpace, tag, and other various sites that help you to communicate with people.”) Details are clear, correct, and specific. (“The internet also presents you with tools like a map if you decide to travel to a place you haven't been too before or would like to see new things. The internet is accessed by 300 million people this century and many people like lawyers, doctors, and also police officers.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. The writer’s introduction grabs the readers’ attention. (“As we advance into a new millennium technology is transforming our society. Over the past century and a half, significant technological developments have created a global environment that is drawing the people of the world closer and closer together. Now these days many people rely on the computer and any other technology that has been invented.”) The writer states his/her thesis at the end of his/her introduction. (“From my perspective, I believe that Internet helps people with so many things rather than it hurts them. Internet may contain unsuitable sites , however internet has become very useful in this century.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Internet is a global communication network that allows almost all computers worldwide to connect and exchange information. From my perspective, I believe that Internet helps people with so many things rather than it hurts them.” Internet is a global communication network that allows almost all computers worldwide to connect and exchange information. From my perspective, I believe that Internet helps people with so many things rather than it hurts them. ”) The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone help to ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ The Internet has many great things in it that helps people around the world. The internet helps connect people, search for directions, find houses, do research, homework assignments, and helps us learn about history.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and begins with a capital letter. (“ Research on the computer mainly helps focus the student when they are writing there assignments. I for one have used the Internet many times to help me do assignments like, learn about Adolf Hitler, History, Biography's, and I have also used the Internet to write essays and take tests that are likely to be on the ISAT.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The internet is a well used source. It maybe used for good, or for evil by students and adults. I think that the internet harms learning and communication. I say this because the good websites aren’t advertised as much as the not so good websites. Another reason I feel this way is because nine times out of ten, when an average teenager gets on the computer, it isn’t to do homework. Majority of the time teenagers between the ages of 13 to 18, check their MySpace, Tagged, or Facebook. The last reason as to why i feel this way is because students' grades aren’t up to part or As and Bs, but they have time to get on the computer to do things that will not benefit them in school.

As I watch television, listen to the radio, and read newspapers, the same trashy websites are talked about. When I hear about these nonresourceful websites, the first thing that comes in my head is that these websites are harming to communication and learning. Instead of the public talking about websites on the internet that are no good, they should be advertising students using websites that would help them study, or do better on standardized tests.

There are three websites that I know of that harms students' learning and communication skills. The sites Myspace.com, Tagged.com, and Facebook.com are the worst. These sites are harming because students don’t really have a solid reason as to why they use these sites. However, I believe these sites are used so teenagers could have something "cool" to do on the internet instead of just doing their homework.

Grades are very important because they determine how well a student is doing in school. One thing I don’t fully understand is, how will students with Cs, Ds, and Fs be able to get on the computer, but they cant keep their grades up. In my opinion, this is extremely bad because the internet is so important to students that they will check their internet mail, before they will do their homework. This is a bad habit because it shows how irresponsible most Americans are as to when it comes to their education. Parents are upset when their child brings home an unsatisfactory grade, but they may never tell their child to turn off the computer and go study.

As I put my final thoughts about this conflict in my mind, I believe that the internet harms students' communication and learning skills. The main reasons as to why I feel this way has to do with my everyday experiences from my peers. By the bad websites constantly being advertised over the good websites, it is a problem. This means we as the people of The United States need to realize when enough is enough. We should also realize that there is something way more important than the bad websites on the internet. If we don’t stop this bad habit, our children will not be aware of what is going on in the world because they are so involved on MySpace, Tagged, or Facebook. This subject is very important, and should be solved immediately before even bigger problems occur.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to persuade the reader. It also d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Another reason I feel this way is because nine times out of ten, when an average teenager gets on the computer, it isn’t to do homework. Majority of the time teenagers between the ages of 13 to 18, check their MySpace, Tagged, or Facebook.”) The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“This is a bad habit because it shows how irresponsible most Americans are as to when it comes to their education. Parents are upset when their child brings home an unsatisfactory grade, but they may never tell their child to turn off the computer and go study.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient, specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/ or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“As I watch television, listen to the radio, and read newspapers, the same trashy websites are talked about. When I hear about these nonresourceful websites, the first thing that comes in my head is that these websites are harming to communication and learning. Instead of the public talking about websites on the internet that are no good, they should be advertising students using websites that would help them study, or do better on standardized tests.”) The writer’s details are convincing, clear, and specific. (“There are three websites that I know of that harms students' learning and communication skills. The sites Myspace.com, Tagged.com, and Facebook.com are the worst. These sites are harming because students don’t really have a solid reason as to why they use these sites.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“The internet is a well used source. It maybe used for good, or for evil by students and adults. I think that the internet harms learning and communication. I say this because the good websites aren’t advertised as much as the not so good websites.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. Reasons are presented in a logical order. (“As I watch television, listen to the radio, and read newspapers, the same trashy websites are talked about. When I hear about these nonresourceful websites, the first thing that comes in my head is that these websites are harming to communication and learning. Instead of the public talking about websites on the internet that are no good, they should be advertising students using websites that would help them study, or do better on standardized tests.”) The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“If we don’t stop this bad habit, our children will not be aware of what is going on in the world because they are so involved on MySpace, Tagged, or Facebook. This subject is very important, and should be solved immediately before even bigger problems occur.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience with use of well-structured sentences with some variety. The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“If we don’t stop this bad habit, our children will not be aware of what is going on in the world because they are so involved on MySpace, Tagged, or Facebook. This subject is very important, and should be solved immediately before even bigger problems occur.”) The language and tone are consistent. (“This is a bad habit because it shows how irresponsible most Americans are as to when it comes to their education. Parents are upset when their child brings home an unsatisfactory grade, but they may never tell their child to turn off the computer and go study.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. Most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). Most or all sentences end with a punctuation mark. Most or all paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation. Most or all sentences begin with a capital letter. (“As I watch television, listen to the radio, and read newspapers, the same trashy websites are talked about. When I hear about these nonresourceful websites, the first thing that comes in my head is that these websites are harming to communication and learning. Instead of the public talking about websites on the internet that are no good, they should be advertising students using websites that would help them study, or do better on standardized tests.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The internet can, in many ways help us in our everyday lives and make our lives easier. Also, in many ways the internet can be harmful in many horrible and unthinkable ways. I don’t think you can have one without the other though and I think it’s worth it to put up with the bad stuff to have the internet. For example, the internet could be helpful to businessmen who don't have time to check the daily stock market updates on television. Or the stay-at-home moms might not have the time to look up recipes from a cook book.

On the other hand, there is a valid point that some people happen to be against the internet and its uses. The internet can ''poison'' a young person's mind and dismantle their intelligence. In my opinion, the internet has content that is frowned upon,or unsuitable for children. For example, people put things that are of adult content and is only meant for adult to see. And when the curious youngsters run upon websites full of adult content they get punished for their actions.

In continuation with the positive side of the internet in the process of educating the young and teaching them the importance of communication skills. The internet has it's fair share of educational websites. For example, study island, which is used to help students prepare and help understand most of the questions wil be ask on the ISAT test. Another educational website is chompers.com which helps students with their grammer and punctuation.

As well as the positive on the internet, there are also negatives. Such Myspace or Tagged. Website that can be use to have conversations with adults that you should have conversations with. So in my conclusion the internet helps and haerms, but it’s still good to have.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the reader. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“In my opinion, the internet has content that is frowned upon,or unsuitable for children. For example, people put things that are of adult content and is only meant for adult to see.”) The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I don’t think you can have one without the other though and I think it’s worth it to put up with the bad stuff to have the internet. For example, the internet could be helpful to businessmen who don't have time to check the daily stock market updates on television.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples. The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience as the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“In continuation with the positive side of the internet in the process of educating the young and teaching them the importance of communication skills. The internet has it's fair share of educational websites. For example, study island, which is used to help students prepare and help understand most of the questions wil be ask on the ISAT test.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments and adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“On the other hand, there is a valid point that some people happen to be against the internet and its uses. The internet can ''poison'' a young person's mind and dismantle their intelligence. In my opinion, the internet has content that is frowned upon,or unsuitable for children.”) The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“For example, people put things that are of adult content and is only meant for adult to see. And when the curious youngsters run upon websites full of adult content they get punished for their actions.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but with inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“The internet can, in many ways help us in our everyday lives and make our lives easier. Also, in many ways the internet can be harmful in many horrible and unthinkable ways. I don’t think you can have one without the other though and I think it’s worth it to put up with the bad stuff to have the internet.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. Reasons are presented in a logical order. (“In continuation with the positive side of the internet in the process of educating the young and teaching them the importance of communication skills. The internet has it's fair share of educational websites.”) The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“As well as the positive on the internet, there are also negatives. Such Myspace or Tagged. Website that can be use to have conversations with adults that you should have conversations with. So in my conclusion the internet helps and haerms, but it’s still good to have.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice, and it generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“I don’t think you can have one without the other though and I think it’s worth it to put up with the bad stuff to have the internet. For example, the internet could be helpful to businessmen who don't have time to check the daily stock market updates on television. Or the stay-at-home moms might not have the time to look up recipes from a cook book.”) Word choices are sometimes poor. (“For example, the internet could be helpful to businessmen who don't have time to check the daily stock market updates on television. Or the stay-at-home moms might not have the time to look up recipes from a cook book.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences start with a capital letter. (“ On the other hand, there is a valid point that some people happen to be against the internet and its uses. The internet can ''poison'' a young person's mind and dismantle their intelligence. In my opinion, the internet has content that is frowned upon,or unsuitable for children.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Well what i think is that it is a good thing for learning and communications.The reason i think that is because i do use it for learning and communications wit my close friends and teachers only though!. If you dont want to be harmed on the computer dont send any imformation out that you dont want to be harmed.

I used it for homework when i need help and for talking to friends and printing out pictures. You dont supposed to be on any thing your not supposed to be on. All you have to do is your work on the computer dont think about nonething else you supposed to think about and everything would be ok!!!.

Another reason is that, a website is called myspace when your talking to some one and you dont even know that person and he or she asks you alot of about your self and where u live,and you tell that person all of that! than expect to be harmed. You caused all of that by your self for giving away your imformation to that unknown person.

An last my final reason why the internet is unharmful and safe for learning anf communications, always remember this if you want safe internet always do what you got to do mind your business do your work dont give out any wrong imformation and i garuntee you would have a safe inertnet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position/thesis statement, but may be unclear or underdeveloped. It also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and completes some parts of the task. The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“Well what i think is that it is a good thing for learning and communications.The reason i think that is because i do use it for learning and communications wit my close friends and teachers only though!”) There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“I used it for homework when i need help and for talking to friends and printing out pictures. You dont supposed to be on any thing your not supposed to be on. All you have to do is your work on the computer dont think about nonething else you supposed to think about and everything would be ok!”) The essay does not state a clearly-defined opinion about the issue. (“ If you dont want to be harmed on the computer dont send any imformation out that you dont want to be harmed.”) The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using some inappropriate or informal language to address the intended reader. (“ Another reason is that, a website is called myspace when your talking to some one and you dont even know that person and he or she asks you alot of about your self and where u live,and you tell that person all of that! than expect to be harmed”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position, and it attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/ or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Another reason is that, a website is called myspace when your talking to some one and you dont even know that person and he or she asks you alot of about your self and where u live,and you tell that person all of that! than expect to be harmed. You caused all of that by your self for giving away your imformation to that unknown person.”) Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“An last my final reason why the internet is unharmful and safe for learning anf communications, always remember this if you want safe internet always do what you got to do mind your business do your work dont give out any wrong imformation and i garuntee you would have a safe inertnet.”) Some of the writer’s details are convincing.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Well what i think is that it is a good thing for learning and communications.The reason i think that is because i do use it for learning and communications wit my close friends and teachers only though!. If you dont want to be harmed on the computer dont send any imformation out that you dont want to be harmed.”) The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. The writer’s introduction gives some background information to help readers understand the issue. The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. The conclusion does not restate the argument of the essay. (“ An last my final reason why the internet is unharmful and safe for learning anf communications, always remember this if you want safe internet always do what you got to do mind your business do your work dont give out any wrong imformation and i garuntee you would have a safe inertnet.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. The essay exhibits limited descriptive words to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I used it for homework when i need help and for talking to friends and printing out pictures. You dont supposed to be on any thing your not supposed to be on.”) The writer should use the Thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“Another reason is that, a website is called myspace when your talking to some one and you dont even know that person and he or she asks you alot of about your self and where u live,and you tell that person all of that! than expect to be harmed. You caused all of that by your self for giving away your imformation to that unknown person.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action) and ends with a punctuation mark, but improvements will are needed when beginning sentences with a capital letter. (“ An last my final reason why the internet is unharmful and safe for learning anf communications, always remember this if you want safe internet always do what you got to do mind your business do your work dont give out any wrong imformation and i garuntee you would have a safe inertnet.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Wow the internet! Do you feel the internet can be useed for learning and communcaion? I do not know about you but I think the internet is vary helpful. You can use it to find out what is the meaning of a word or if you need to have some one show you how to do some thing step by step. well i will talk about that later. But let me tell you about how easy it is to communicat with some one now and days and especally with the internet you can right tothe person you need to talk to or you can even see them on the sceen and talk.

Now back to what i was saying about geting the defenion for words all you have to do is go on google and type in the box that says google. I do that when my teacher gives me words to find the define.For home work i google it it is fast and easy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended reader. (“ Wow the internet! Do you feel the internet can be useed for learning and communcaion? I do not know about you but I think the internet is vary helpful. You can use it to find out what is the meaning of a word or if you need to have some one show you how to do some thing step by step. well i will talk about that later.”) The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ Now back to what i was saying about geting the defenion for words all you have to do is go on google and type in the box that says google.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer may consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“ But let me tell you about how easy it is to communicat with some one now and days and especally with the internet you can right tothe person you need to talk to or you can even see them on the sceen and talk.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each idea is not written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ Now back to what i was saying about geting the defenion for words all you have to do is go on google and type in the box that says google.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. (“ well i will talk about that later. But let me tell you about how easy it is to communicat with some one now and days and especally with the internet you can right tothe person you need to talk to or you can even see them on the sceen and talk.”) The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction, and the thesis statement cannot be found at the end of the introduction. The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“ Now back to what i was saying about geting the defenion for words all you have to do is go on google and type in the box that says google.”) The essay does not include a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“But let me tell you about how easy it is to communicat with some one now and days and especally with the internet you can right tothe person you need to talk to or you can even see them on the sceen and talk.”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“You can use it to find out what is the meaning of a word or if you need to have some one show you how to do some thing step by step.”) Use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively. Use the Thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does not ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark, does not indent when beginning a new paragraph, and does not begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ Now back to what i was saying about geting the defenion for words all you have to do is go on google and type in the box that says google. I do that when my teacher gives me words to find the define.For home work i google it it is fast and easy.”) The writer should click on My Editor for more ways to improve writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Mom can i use the computer? For what? I have to do research!! At my school everyday we usually need the internet for our homework. I think that the internet is very harmful! plenty of times i have clicked on a website and something totally differnt came up. The internet has chating websites where children go on. When they really should not because they dont whats type.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement and little effort is made to persuade. Completes few or no parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly-defined position about the issue or the position stated is unclear. (“ At my school everyday we usually need the internet for our homework. I think that the internet is very harmful!”) The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the essay does not reflect appropriate language. (“ The internet has chating websites where children go on. When they really should not because they dont whats type.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay supports the stated opinion with few or no details. (“I think that the internet is very harmful! plenty of times i have clicked on a website and something totally differnt came up.”) There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The thesis statement cannot be found at the end of the introduction. (“ Mom can i use the computer? For what? I have to do research!”) The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. Transitional words were not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The essay does not include a conclusion. (“ The internet has chating websites where children go on. When they really should not because they dont whats type.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay contains inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“I think that the internet is very harmful! plenty of times i have clicked on a website and something totally differnt came up.”) Use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively. Use the Thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ The internet has chating websites where children go on. When they really should not because they dont whats type.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

"The Monkey’s Paw"

Read "The Monkey's Paw . " Movie producers are considering creating a film version of "The Monkey's Paw . " What is the story about? What are the advantages of this story that make it suitable to be a film? Why should the producers make a film version of this story?

Write a letter to the movie producers convincing them to make "The Monkey's Paw" into a movie.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Movie Producers,

I have recently read the story "The Monkey's Paw". After reading this short story, I thought instantly that it should be made into a movie. I am writing this letter to try to convince you to make this book into a horror movie. To begin, I am going to provide a brief summary of the stroy so you can see how you like it.

"The Monkey's Paw" is about the White family, which consists of a mother, a son, and a father. They live in a far-out place where there are only two houses in the immediate area. At the beginning of the book the mood is calm with the family just knitting and playing chess. Then a visitor arrives at their front door, waiting nervously for the right time to knock on the door. The mother realizes that the visitor is outside and she lets him in. The visitor's name was Sergeant-Major Morris, and he came in, sitting himself next to the warm fire place. After some discussion, the man proffered a mummified monkey's paw. The family took it and thought it was fake because the man said it had a curse on it.

The horrifying point of the story is that the son dies because he wishes with the monkey's paw. The mother and father mourn over him and then the mother gets an idea. She wants to wish her son back to life with the monkey's paw. The father does not think this is a good idea but Mrs. White demands that he wish the son him back to life. The only worry Mrs. White had in the back of her mind was that her son Herbert might return all messed up and bleeding. The book ends when Mrs. White unlocks a door to find, not Herbert, but rather just a gust of wind.

The three components of this story that will make it an awesome horror movie are that the setting is good for horror movie, it does not have a "happily ever after" kind of ending, and the object used, namely a monkey's paw, is quite unique. Let's talk first about the setting of the book. I think the far out setting with only two houses is good for a horror movie. The setting is eerie because there were only two houses on the long dirt road they called a "street." So when someone visits besides the neighbor, its automatically upsetting. Not only is it unusual for someone to come to visit, you don't know who it might be because it is also dark when the story begins. Since its also raining outside, the dirt road quickly becomes muddy. Most of the story took place inside the house in a calm environment. Moreover, to make the film with the setting I have outlined will not cost a lot of money. The only thing you need to use is a house, since most of the story took place inside the house in a calm environment. Thus, this is a cheap, yet eerie enough to be a good setting when for the story is made into a film.

The next subject I am going to discuss in detail is the nature of the "scary" object used. The object used is a monkey's paw which is clearly weird. Using a monkey's paw is unique, and it has never been done before. So when people come see the movie they are not confronted with the the same old "magic potions" and "knives." Teenagers like magic and in the story the monkey's paw has a curse on it. Moviegoers also like to see people dyeieing, and in the book Herbert the son dies. It would be a perfect horror movie because of both the magic and killing. The monkey's paw looks distorted and hairy. To me it really does not even look like a monkey's paw. The inclusion of an object, such as a monkey's paw, is great for a horror film.

One thing I have a problem with is the predictable "happily ever after" endings many horror films have. But in the story "The Monkey's Paw," the ending is not happy at all. In fact it ends in a way that keeps you wanting more. So a good reason for you to make this into a film is so you can one day make a sequel. If the first movie is good, then you can make another movie about the book, called "The Monkeys Paw 2". Also if you produce a movie without a "happily ever after" ending, people will most likely want to see it that more than once. People are tired of seeing such movies end happily. You want to keep the custumers on the edge of their seats; you don't want them to already know what they are in for when they come to the movies. To me that is how good movie companies make the big money.

So the book will make a good film. Some might argue that this movie would be too scary and many people might not want to see it. There could be scenes of intense suspension, blood, and horror. People who do not like scary movies or blood would not have to watch or even listen to this horrifying and gruesome tale.

In my opinion, if you want a lot of money for your company, you should make this book into a film. After By reading this book, I think you'll agree that a horror film based on this story would be great; it would a top all the rest of the horror films. I wrote this letter to you so I can try and convince you to make this into a movie. I hope my summary and details about the story helps you make the right decsiscion on wheather to make this movie or not. Plus, I am a paying custumer, and I am begging asking you to make this into a movie in the near future.

Sincerely your paying customer,

Charlotte W.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinion statement. (“I have recently read the story ‘The Monkey's Paw’. After reading this short story, I thought instantly that it should be made into a movie. I am writing this letter to try to convince you to make this book into a horror movie. To begin, I am going to provide a brief summary of the stroy so you can see how you like it.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The three components of this story that will make it an awesome horror movie are that the setting is good for horror movie, it does not have a ‘happily ever after’ kind of ending, and the object used, namely a monkey's paw, is quite unique. Let's talk first about the setting of the book. I think the far out setting with only two houses is good for a horror movie.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the central/controlling idea and includes supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion. (“The next subject I am going to discuss in detail is the nature of the ‘scary’ object used. The object used is a monkey's paw which is clearly weird. Using a monkey's paw is unique, and it has never been done before. So when people come see the movie they are not confronted with the the same old ‘magic potions’ and ‘knives.’ Teenagers like magic and in the story the monkey's paw has a curse on it.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing views.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“So the book will make a good film. Some might argue that this movie would be too scary and many people might not want to see it. There could be scenes of intense suspension, blood, and horror. People who do not like scary movies or blood would not have to watch or even listen to this horrifying and gruesome tale.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Let's talk first about the setting of the book. I think the far out setting with only two houses is good for a horror movie. The setting is eerie because there were only two houses on the long dirt road they called a ‘street.’ So when someone visits besides the neighbor, its automatically upsetting. Not only is it unusual for someone to come to visit, you don't know who it might be because it is also dark when the story begins.”)

The writer uses details to explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“The next subject I am going to discuss in detail is the nature of the ‘scary’ object used. The object used is a monkey's paw which is clearly weird. Using a monkey's paw is unique, and it has never been done before. So when people come see the movie they are not confronted with the the same old ‘magic potions’ and ‘knives.’ Teenagers like magic and in the story the monkey's paw has a curse on it. Moviegoers also like to see people dyeieing, and in the book Herbert the son dies. It would be a perfect horror movie because of both the magic and killing. The monkey's paw looks distorted and hairy. To me it really does not even look like a monkey's paw. The inclusion of an object, such as a monkey's paw, is great for a horror film.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“I have recently read the story ‘The Monkey's Paw’. After reading this short story, I thought instantly that it should be made into a movie. I am writing this letter to try to convince you to make this book into a horror movie. To begin, I am going to provide a brief summary of the stroy so you can see how you like it.”)

The writer includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“The next subject I am going to discuss in detail is the nature of the ‘scary’ object used. The object used is a monkey's paw which is clearly weird. Using a monkey's paw is unique, and it has never been done before. So when people come see the movie they are not confronted with the the same old ‘magic potions’ and ‘knives.’ Teenagers like magic and in the story the monkey's paw has a curse on it.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“In my opinion, if you want a lot of money for your company, you should make this book into a film. After By reading this book, I think you'll agree that a horror film based on this story would be great; it would a top all the rest of the horror films. I wrote this letter to you so I can try and convince you to make this into a movie. I hope my summary and details about the story helps you make the right decsiscion on wheather to make this movie or not. Plus, I am a paying custumer, and I am begging asking you to make this into a movie in the near future.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates effective use of language, voice, and style. The essay exhibits precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the essay.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“In my opinion, if you want a lot of money for your company, you should make this book into a film. After By reading this book, I think you'll agree that a horror film based on this story would be great; it would a top all the rest of the horror films. I wrote this letter to you so I can try and convince you to make this into a movie. I hope my summary and details about the story helps you make the right decsiscion on wheather to make this movie or not. Plus, I am a paying custumer, and I am begging asking you to make this into a movie in the near future.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by adding sentences with exclamations and/or questions and combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“People are tired of seeing such movies end happily. You want to keep the custumers on the edge of their seats; you don't want them to already know what they are in for when they come to the movies. To me that is how good movie companies make the big money.”)

The essay's coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“So a good reason for you to make this into a film is so you can one day make a sequel. If the first movie is good, then you can make another movie about the book, called ‘The Monkeys Paw 2’. Also if you produce a movie without a ‘happily ever after’ ending, people will most likely want to see it that more than once.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“‘The Monkey's Paw’ is about the White family, which consists of a mother, a son, and a father. They live in a far-out place where there are only two houses in the immediate area. At the beginning of the book the mood is calm with the family just knitting and playing chess. Then a visitor arrives at their front door, waiting nervously for the right time to knock on the door. The mother realizes that the visitor is outside and she lets him in.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Imagine having the emotions of drama, mystery, and suspense, all while watching one movie! I think that "The Monkey's Paw" would make an excellent film. But before everyone hears why, there is some general information they should know about it. It was an old fakir who put the spell on the monkey's paw. He was a very holy man who believed that fate ruled people's lives. The spell the man put on the monkey's paw was that three men that inherited the paw could be granted three wishes of their choice. But there was a catch. Every wish has a consequence. For the first man, no one knew what his first two wishes that were granted by the paw were, but his third wish was for death. That is when Sergeant-Major Morris received the paw. After the Sergeant was finished with his three wishes, he sold it to the third and final man to receive the paw, Mr.White.

"The Monkey's Paw" would make a good movie is because it is so dramatic. Some of the events that happen are so shocking - for example, consider the consequence of Mr. White's first wish, which was Herbert's death. Also, Mr. White's second and third wishes cause a lot of excitement. There are also a lot of different feelings people can have towards this story. Some people might be sad after Herbert's death, and some people might be mad due to Mr.Whites third wish because he wished away his very own son. I also think it would be a dramatic movie because of Mrs. White. She is always screaming or crying over something, and I think that people would love to see a good actress playing that part.

Additionally, the movie would be mysterious. Mysterious movies make people curious and get them into it. Some things that are a mystery are the wishes. Everyone wants to know what the first man’s first two wishes were, where the consequences caused him to use his last one for death. Sergeant-Major Morris's wishes are a mystery because he never told Mr.White what they were, but he did warn him about the monkey's paw. Last, everyone would be curious about what the dead Herbert looked like and acted like when Mr.White wishes him back because Mr.White wishes him away before we even get to find out.

"The Monkey's Paw" would be a very suspenseful film. Scenes such as Herbert's dead arrival would keep people on the edge of their seats. Also, the consequences of Mr. White's wishes will keep people surprised and shaky about what they are. This film would have a great ending. Mr. White's surprising third wish will have people's complete attention and excitement. It will leave them with questions and so much to talk about - was the dead Herbert the same person like he was before, or was he ugly and evil?

In conclusion, "The Monkey's Paw" would make a great film. Some audience members might not agree with my valid points and assume this movie would be dull. But, I think if you give it a chance, it would be fantastic because is very dramatic, mysterious, suspenseful, and has a great ending. I think these are all the qualities that people look for in a good film.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Imagine having the emotions of drama, mystery, and suspense, all while watching one movie! I think that ‘The Monkey's Paw’ would make an excellent film. But before everyone hears why, there is some general information they should know about it. It was an old fakir who put the spell on the monkey's paw. He was a very holy man who believed that fate ruled people's lives. The spell the man put on the monkey's paw was that three men that inherited the paw could be granted three wishes of their choice. But there was a catch. Every wish has a consequence. For the first man, no one knew what his first two wishes that were granted by the paw were, but his third wish was for death. That is when Sergeant-Major Morris received the paw. After the Sergeant was finished with his three wishes, he sold it to the third and final man to receive the paw, Mr.White. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“‘The Monkey's Paw’ would be a very suspenseful film. Scenes such as Herbert's dead arrival would keep people on the edge of their seats. Also, the consequences of Mr. White's wishes will keep people surprised and shaky about what they are. ”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Last, everyone would be curious about what the dead Herbert looked like and acted like when Mr.White wishes him back because Mr.White wishes him away before we even get to find out. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good content and development. The writer develops arguments using sufficient, specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. The writer clearly addresses the readers’ opposing views.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some audience members might not agree with my valid points and assume this movie would be dull. But, I think if you give it a chance, it would be fantastic because is very dramatic, mysterious, suspenseful, and has a great ending. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“‘The Monkey's Paw’ would make a good movie is because it is so dramatic. Some of the events that happen are so shocking - for example, consider the consequence of Mr. White's first wish, which was Herbert's death. Also, Mr. White's second and third wishes cause a lot of excitement. There are also a lot of different feelings people can have towards this story. Some people might be sad after Herbert's death, and some people might be mad due to Mr.Whites third wish because he wished away his very own son. I also think it would be a dramatic movie because of Mrs. White. She is always screaming or crying over something, and I think that people would love to see a good actress playing that part. ”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“But there was a catch. Every wish has a consequence. For the first man, no one knew what his first two wishes that were granted by the paw were, but his third wish was for death. That is when Sergeant-Major Morris received the paw. After the Sergeant was finished with his three wishes, he sold it to the third and final man to receive the paw, Mr.White. ”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Imagine having the emotions of drama, mystery, and suspense, all while watching one movie! I think that ‘The Monkey's Paw’ would make an excellent film. But before everyone hears why, there is some general information they should know about it. It was an old fakir who put the spell on the monkey's paw. He was a very holy man who believed that fate ruled people's lives. The spell the man put on the monkey's paw was that three men that inherited the paw could be granted three wishes of their choice. But there was a catch. Every wish has a consequence. For the first man, no one knew what his first two wishes that were granted by the paw were, but his third wish was for death. That is when Sergeant-Major Morris received the paw. After the Sergeant was finished with his three wishes, he sold it to the third and final man to receive the paw, Mr.White. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Additionally, the movie would be mysterious. Mysterious movies make people curious and get them into it. Some things that are a mystery are the wishes. Everyone wants to know what the first man’s first two wishes were, where the consequences caused him to use his last one for death. Sergeant-Major Morris's wishes are a mystery because he never told Mr.White what they were, but he did warn him about the monkey's paw. Last, everyone would be curious about what the dead Herbert looked like and acted like when Mr.White wishes him back because Mr.White wishes him away before we even get to find out. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, ‘The Monkey's Paw’ would make a great film. Some audience members might not agree with my valid points and assume this movie would be dull. But, I think if you give it a chance, it would be fantastic because is very dramatic, mysterious, suspenseful, and has a great ending. I think these are all the qualities that people look for in a good film. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates good use of language, voice, and style. The essay exhibits appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Some people might be sad after Herbert's death, and some people might be mad due to Mr.Whites third wish because he wished away his very own son. I also think it would be a dramatic movie because of Mrs. White. She is always screaming or crying over something, and I think that people would love to see a good actress playing that part. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Some of the events that happen are so shocking - for example, consider the consequence of Mr. White's first wish, which was Herbert's death. Also, Mr. White's second and third wishes cause a lot of excitement. There are also a lot of different feelings people can have towards this story. Some people might be sad after Herbert's death, and some people might be mad due to Mr.Whites third wish because he wished away his very own son. ”)

The essay's language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“‘The Monkey's Paw’ would be a very suspenseful film. Scenes such as Herbert's dead arrival would keep people on the edge of their seats. Also, the consequences of Mr. White's wishes will keep people surprised and shaky about what they are. This film would have a great ending. Mr. White's surprising third wish will have people's complete attention and excitement. It will leave them with questions and so much to talk about - was the dead Herbert the same person like he was before, or was he ugly and evil? ”) The essay's coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ This film would have a great ending. Mr. White's surprising third wish will have people's complete attention and excitement. It will leave them with questions and so much to talk about - was the dead Herbert the same person like he was before, or was he ugly and evil? ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Film Makers,

Are you in the mood for a good scare? I am Kira Jones. I am going to give you some reasons why you should make a movie of "The Monkeys Paw." One reason you should make a movie out of "The Monkeys Paw" because it would make a great horror movie. Second reason is that it would make people realize that be careful what you wish for. Third reason is that the setting is a great way of showing that all people do not have a lot of money. Now I will explain why it would be a great horror movie.

First of all, "The Monkeys Paw" would be a great horror movie because it is creepy and scary. You could make it more scary. You could change things to make it go longer. It would be a great horror movie because the boy dies and they wish him back and the door gets knocked on and no one is there. Well it would also be a great movie because it would make people realize be careful what you wish for.

Second of all, the movie will make you realize that you have to be careful for what you wish for. And there will be consequences. Like in the story they wished for 200 pounds and the next day the son died and the factory gave them 200 pounds. And the wife wished for the son to come back to life. And who knows what will happen next. That is how you learn how to be careful for what you wish for. Now I should tell you about how the setting is good.

Third of all, the setting is a dark and miserable place. So it is not about rich people, it is poor people. It is about this family where they are happy and a man comes to their house and gives them a monkeys paw. He tells them that they have three wishes. The husband wishes for 200 pounds. Well if you want to know more then you have to read the book.

It is a great book so it would be a great horror movie. Some people might say don’t make it a movie because it will be too scary! It would teach people you need to be careful for what you wish for. And the setting makes a great way to tell people that you can be happy and not be rich. Well I have to go back to writing letters to other people just in case you say no.

Sincerely,

Kira Jones

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes an opinion and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Third of all, the setting is a dark and miserable place. So it is not about rich people, it is poor people. It is about this family where they are happy and a man comes to their house and gives them a monkeys paw. He tells them that they have three wishes. The husband wishes for 200 pounds. Well if you want to know more then you have to read the book.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Are you in the mood for a good scare? I am Kira Jones. I am going to give you some reasons why you should make a movie of ‘The Monkeys Paw.’ One reason you should make a movie out of ‘The Monkeys Paw’ because it would make a great horror movie. Second reason is that it would make people realize that be careful what you wish for. Third reason is that the setting is a great way of showing that all people do not have a lot of money. Now I will explain why it would be a great horror movie.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or never uses slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“First of all, ‘The Monkeys Paw’ would be a great horror movie because it is creepy and scary. You could make it more scary. You could change things to make it go longer. It would be a great horror movie because the boy dies and they wish him back and the door gets knocked on and no one is there. Well it would also be a great movie because it would make people realize be careful what you wish for.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details for support. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing views. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Third of all, the setting is a dark and miserable place. So it is not about rich people, it is poor people. It is about this family where they are happy and a man comes to their house and gives them a monkeys paw. He tells them that they have three wishes. The husband wishes for 200 pounds. Well if you want to know more then you have to read the book.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas are adequate. (“Second of all, the movie will make you realize that you have to be careful for what you wish for. And there will be consequences. Like in the story they wished for 200 pounds and the next day the son died and the factory gave them 200 pounds. And the wife wished for the son to come back to life. And who knows what will happen next. That is how you learn how to be careful for what you wish for. Now I should tell you about how the setting is good.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. However, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for opposing views. The writer could integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Some people might say don’t make it a movie because it will be too scary! It would teach people you need to be careful for what you wish for.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates adequate organization. The writer provides a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Are you in the mood for a good scare? I am Kira Jones. I am going to give you some reasons why you should make a movie of ‘The Monkeys Paw.’ One reason you should make a movie out of ‘The Monkeys Paw’ because it would make a great horror movie. Second reason is that it would make people realize that be careful what you wish for. Third reason is that the setting is a great way of showing that all people do not have a lot of money. Now I will explain why it would be a great horror movie.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“First of all, ‘The Monkeys Paw’ would be a great horror movie because it is creepy and scary. You could make it more scary. You could change things to make it go longer. It would be a great horror movie because the boy dies and they wish him back and the door gets knocked on and no one is there. Well it would also be a great movie because it would make people realize be careful what you wish for.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“It is a great book so it would be a great horror movie. Some people might say don’t make it a movie because it will be too scary! It would teach people you need to be careful for what you wish for. And the setting makes a great way to tell people that you can be happy and not be rich. Well I have to go back to writing letters to other people just in case you say no.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates adequate use of language, voice, and style. The essay exhibits appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and some control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Third of all, the setting is a dark and miserable place. So it is not about rich people, it is poor people. It is about this family where they are happy and a man comes to their house and gives them a monkeys paw.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“He tells them that they have three wishes. The husband wishes for 200 pounds. Well if you want to know more then you have to read the book.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in his/her presentation of arguments. (“And who knows what will happen next. That is how you learn how to be careful for what you wish for. Now I should tell you about how the setting is good.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Third of all, the setting is a dark and miserable place. So it is not about rich people, it is poor people. It is about this family where they are happy and a man comes to their house and gives them a monkeys paw.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

To whom it may concern

If you are making a movie form a story I think it should be The Monkey's Paw.The reason that I think you should make this a movie is becausethe story starts out nice but then gets scary.What I mean is that Seargent Major Morris came over and gave him a monkey's paw.When the seargent left he made a wish that he wanted five hundred dollars.When he got the money he found out that Herbert died at his job.

The second time, he wished that his Herbert would come back to life for his wife.For the last wish,he wished Herbert was dead again.That will make the people think why did he wish his son was dead again.Another reason is that you can make alot of money.The reason why I say that is because when you make it seem like "Oh this look good" or "I'm going to buy it".That is why I say that you can make alot of money with this story if you make it into a movie.

My third reason is because peole like scary stories especially when they are movies.You could make more money like that.My last reason is because you can make peole think about why did he do that or you know why did he even save the monkeys paw from the fire.

That is why I think that The Monkey's Paw should be a movie like other books like James and the Giant Peach,Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,and Harry Potter.So that is why I think that you should make The Monkey's Paw a movie.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of purpose and audience. The essay satisfies only some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and intended audience. (“If you are making a movie form a story I think it should be The Monkey's Paw.The reason that I think you should make this a movie is becausethe story starts out nice but then gets scary.”)

There is a limited amount of details that relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“My third reason is because peole like scary stories especially when they are movies.You could make more money like that.My last reason is because you can make peole think about why did he do that or you know why did he even save the monkeys paw from the fire. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers but is very limited in his/her use of persuasive terms. (“That is why I think that The Monkey's Paw should be a movie like other books like James and the Giant Peach,Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,and Harry Potter.So that is why I think that you should make The Monkey's Paw a movie.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support. The writer does attempt to address readers but does not integrate opposing views into the essay.

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“The reason why I say that is because when you make it seem like ‘Oh this look good’ or ‘I'm going to buy it’.That is why I say that you can make alot of money with this story if you make it into a movie. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer's supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“My third reason is because peole like scary stories especially when they are movies.You could make more money like that.My last reason is because you can make peole think about why did he do that or you know why did he even save the monkeys paw from the fire.”)

Each supporting reason should be a topic sentence for each body paragraph. (“The second time, he wished that his Herbert would come back to life for his wife.For the last wish,he wished Herbert was dead again.That will make the people think why did he wish his son was dead again.Another reason is that you can make alot of money.The reason why I say that is because when you make it seem like ‘Oh this look good’ or ‘I'm going to buy it’.That is why I say that you can make alot of money with this story if you make it into a movie. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates limited organization at best. The writer provides some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. He/she incorporates paragraphing but does not use effective transitional devices to assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction but falls short. (“If you are making a movie form a story I think it should be The Monkey's Paw.The reason that I think you should make this a movie is becausethe story starts out nice but then gets scary.What I mean is that Seargent Major Morris came over and gave him a monkey's paw.When the seargent left he made a wish that he wanted five hundred dollars.When he got the money he found out that Herbert died at his job.”)

Although limited, transitions are included between paragraphs and between sentences. (“My third reason is because peole like scary stories especially when they are movies.You could make more money like that.My last reason is because you can make peole think about why did he do that or you know why did he even save the monkeys paw from the fire. ”) The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate his/her arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“That is why I think that The Monkey's Paw should be a movie like other books like James and the Giant Peach,Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,and Harry Potter.So that is why I think that you should make The Monkey's Paw a movie.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay exhibits some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay includes limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases that describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“If you are making a movie form a story I think it should be The Monkey's Paw.The reason that I think you should make this a movie is becausethe story starts out nice but then gets scary.What I mean is that Seargent Major Morris came over and gave him a monkey's paw.When the seargent left he made a wish that he wanted five hundred dollars.When he got the money he found out that Herbert died at his job. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style used to present ideas is weak and repetitive in nature. (“The second time, he wished that his Herbert would come back to life for his wife.For the last wish,he wished Herbert was dead again.That will make the people think why did he wish his son was dead again. ”)

The writer should use a thesaurus to replace words and phrases that are used too often with synonyms or more specific words and phrases. (“My third reason is because peole like scary stories especially when they are movies. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“My last reason is because you can make peole think about why did he do that or you know why did he even save the monkeys paw from the fire.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Producers,

I think that you movie producers create a movie from the story, "The Monkey's Paw." One reason this should be a movie is because it was a great book to read which means it would make an even better Movie. You producers could make alot of money from this movie. Also this book was a type of book that would drag out people to go view the movie. So pay attention to my details and brief summary about this book.

Here is another reason that you should make "The Monkey's Paw" a movie because it is a great story. Also it would make an even greater movie because of the minimum details in the story. So that would make the movie with more details contained. The story was kind of short so the movie would make it longer because it would be faster to read it out of script papers than to read the original book.

Mainly the story was about this boy that had got captured. The story is a classic horror type of story. So that's what the story is mainly about.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument and a minimal understanding of purpose and audience. The essay satisfies few parts of the task.

In the introduction, the position of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“I think that you movie producers create a movie from the story, ‘The Monkey's Paw.’ One reason this should be a movie is because it was a great book to read which means it would make an even better Movie. You producers could make alot of money from this movie. Also this book was a type of book that would drag out people to go view the movie. So pay attention to my details and brief summary about this book.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“You producers could make alot of money from this movie. Also this book was a type of book that would drag out people to go view the movie. So pay attention to my details and brief summary about this book.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support his/her thesis, which is stated minimally. (“ Here is another reason that you should make ‘The Monkey's Paw’ a movie because it is a great story. Also it would make an even greater movie because of the minimum details in the story. So that would make the movie with more details contained. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing views, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

The writer uses minimal evidence to explain or support his/her opinion. (“Here is another reason that you should make ‘The Monkey's Paw’ a movie because it is a great story. Also it would make an even greater movie because of the minimum details in the story. So that would make the movie with more details contained.”)

The writer uses minimal details to explain and illustrate his/her point of view. (“One reason this should be a movie is because it was a great book to read which means it would make an even better Movie. You producers could make alot of money from this movie.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think that you movie producers create a movie from the story, ‘The Monkey's Paw.’ One reason this should be a movie is because it was a great book to read which means it would make an even better Movie. You producers could make alot of money from this movie. Also this book was a type of book that would drag out people to go view the movie. So pay attention to my details and brief summary about this book.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s position. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Here is another reason that you should make ‘The Monkey's Paw’ a movie because it is a great story. Also it would make an even greater movie because of the minimum details in the story. So that would make the movie with more details contained. The story was kind of short so the movie would make it longer because it would be faster to read it out of script papers than to read the original book.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“Mainly the story was about this boy that had got captured. The story is a classic horror type of story. So that's what the story is mainly about.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates minimal use of language, voice, and style. The essay exhibits poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay includes minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the writer's opinion. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choice into the essay, the writer could create a more effective argument. (“Here is another reason that you should make ‘The Monkey's Paw’ a movie because it is a great story. ”)

The sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Also this book was a type of book that would drag out people to go view the movie. So pay attention to my details and brief summary about this book. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position. (“I think that you movie producers create a movie from the story, ‘The Monkey's Paw.’ One reason this should be a movie is because it was a great book to read which means it would make an even better Movie. You producers could make alot of money from this movie. Also this book was a type of book that would drag out people to go view the movie. So pay attention to my details and brief summary about this book.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“One reason this should be a movie is because it was a great book to read which means it would make an even better Movie. You producers could make alot of money from this movie.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Producers,

The monkey s paw is a great to make a very awsome movie. It will have great setting. The action will be very good. It will have good characters and setting! The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! Like the monkey s paw will be old and nasty.Most movies like the monkey s paw should start small then work its way up. Most book that become movies have had something. The monkey paw will have a good special effects and the paw of the monkey

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion statement, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to persuade readers. (“The monkey s paw is a great to make a very awsome movie. It will have great setting. The action will be very good. It will have good characters and setting! The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! Like the monkey s paw will be old and nasty.Most movies like the monkey s paw should start small then work its way up. Most book that become movies have had something. The monkey paw will have a good special effects and the paw of the monkey”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! Like the monkey s paw will be old and nasty.”)

In the introduction, the purpose and intended audience are not clearly identified. (“The monkey s paw is a great to make a very awsome movie. It will have great setting. The action will be very good. It will have good characters and setting! The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! Like the monkey s paw will be old and nasty.Most movies like the monkey s paw should start small then work its way up. Most book that become movies have had something. The monkey paw will have a good special effects and the paw of the monkey”)

Content & Development

The writer provides inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details for support . The essay does not consider the readers’ opposing views.

The essay does not include details that support the stated opinion. (“Most movies like the monkey s paw should start small then work its way up. Most book that become movies have had something. The monkey paw will have a good special effects and the paw of the monkey ”)

Since the one-paragraph essay is so brief, there are no main ideas present in the essay. (“The monkey s paw is a great to make a very awsome movie. It will have great setting. The action will be very good. It will have good characters and setting! The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! Like the monkey s paw will be old and nasty.Most movies like the monkey s paw should start small then work its way up. Most book that become movies have had something. The monkey paw will have a good special effects and the paw of the monkey ”) Additionally, the essay does not include at least three main ideas for support.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“The monkey s paw is a great to make a very awsome movie. It will have great setting. The action will be very good. It will have good characters and setting! The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! Like the monkey s paw will be old and nasty. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates inadequate organization . The writer provides no evidence of structure and does not include a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices in the essay.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction with a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. (“The monkey s paw is a great to make a very awsome movie. It will have great setting. The action will be very good. It will have good characters and setting!”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! Like the monkey s paw will be old and nasty.Most movies like the monkey s paw should start small then work its way up. Most book that become movies have had something.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“The monkey paw will have a good special effects and the paw of the monkey”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not demonstrate effective use of language, voice, or style. The essay exhibits unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not include descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the writer's opinion. (“Most movies like the monkey s paw should start small then work its way up. Most book that become movies have had something. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choice is needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words that describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

The sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing views and leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“The monkey s paw is a great to make a very awsome movie. It will have great setting. The action will be very good. It will have good characters and setting! The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! Like the monkey s paw will be old and nasty.Most movies like the monkey s paw should start small then work its way up. Most book that become movies have had something. The monkey paw will have a good special effects and the paw of the monkey”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ The monkey s paw is a great to make a very awsome movie. It will have great setting. The action will be very good. It will have good characters and setting! The white s house swamp and the muk.the props will be great! ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Same Team

Many people believe that boys and girls should play on the same sports team. Your school district is deciding whether or not girls and boys should be able to play on the same school sports team.

Do you think it is a good idea or a bad idea to have boys and girls play on the same team? Write an essay to persuade the coach of one particular sport to agree with your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Coach,

I firmly believe that school associated athletic programs should remain separated by gender, meaning male and female teams should refrain from becoming co-ed. For any athletic program to be co-ed would be strictly inappropriate, irresponsible, and a considerably large mistake. Why, might you ask?

Official athletic teams are developed in Junior High School, around the same time that feelings for the opposite gender arise. My point is that if two separate genders, male and female, are placed within the same team, feelings or affection for the opposite gender will become an obstacle for physical and athletic performance. Due to lack of focus, I believe that this will result in numerous losses.

Now I'm sure that some might say that athletic teams were developed in order to create opportunities for recreational fun, not concerning with winning or losing. From a personal standpoint, I get out on the field to win, not to lose. If I do lose, it only makes me more determined to win the next time. To some of us, playing the game isn’t only about fun; it’s about winning. If you can accomplish winning and having fun at the same time, that’s wonderful. But if you ask me, I’d rather win.

Uniforms, such as spandex and baseball pants only open the opportunity for issues to arise, should athletic teams become co-ed. Sports such as volleyball, baseball and softball, swimming, and wrestling are all opportunities for bullying to arise, and again, this is only if athletic teams become co-ed.

One could argue that if we keep all of the above sports under the rule of same gender, there is no reason why other sports such as football or soccer could not be co-ed. I beg to differ. Keeping some sports co-ed, and some sports same gender only causes more money for the school district to put out, money that could be put towards books and learning. In meaning, I’m saying that school districts would be forced to order different uniforms, which would also be confusing during a game. How would you know who to pass to? For example, in wrestling, girls would be forced to wear different uniforms than guys. The traditional uniform is too revealing in the chest area for a female to wear.

I find it likely that you might say it’s not fair that there is a male’s football team, but not a female’s. This problem could be easily solved by forming an all girls football team instead of allowing the males and females to play together.

Keeping athletic teams same sex also closes the window for discrimination based solely upon gender. For example, there are two girls on the football team, and the other twenty-two players are of the male gender. The coach is a male and is an anti-feminist, who is often sexually discriminatory towards females. In this type of situation, which would occur more often than not, the two female players most likely will not play on the field very often. If they don t have the opportunity to play very often, then what was the point in joining the team? Basically, there was no point.

As I have earlier stated, I strongly believe it would be highly inappropriate for athletic teams to become be co-ed. It would be a considerably large mistake, and would open the opportunity for a very large quantity of highly negative issues. In opening negative issues, it would not only create an uncomfortable atmosphere for the players, but also for the school district, who would therefore look very unattractive in the public eye. This would cause our great school district to be looked down on. So please, consider this letter, keep athletic programs a productive, and enjoyable experience for every player. The only intelligent thing to do in my eyes would be to keep athletic teams same sex to prevent many negative issues in our community.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the readers. The piece shows a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience; the writer, furthermore, completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question and a surprising fact in the introduction. (“I firmly believe that school associated athletic programs should remain separated by gender, meaning male and female teams should refrain from becoming co-ed. For any athletic program to be co-ed would be strictly inappropriate, irresponsible, and a considerably large mistake. Why, might you ask?”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Official athletic teams are developed in Junior High School, around the same time that feelings for the opposite gender arise. My point is that if two separate genders, male and female, are placed within the same team, feelings or affection for the opposite gender will become an obstacle for physical and athletic performance. Due to lack of focus, I believe that this will result in numerous losses.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“One could argue that if we keep all of the above sports under the rule of same gender, there is no reason why other sports such as football or soccer could not be co-ed. I beg to differ. Keeping some sports co-ed, and some sports same gender only causes more money for the school district to put out, money that could be put towards books and learning.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains very effective content and development. Arguments are developed effectively, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer also convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“One could argue that if we keep all of the above sports under the rule of same gender, there is no reason why other sports such as football or soccer could not be co-ed. I beg to differ. Keeping some sports co-ed, and some sports same gender only causes more money for the school district to put out, money that could be put towards books and learning. In meaning, I’m saying that school districts would be forced to order different uniforms, which would also be confusing during a game. How would you know who to pass to? For example, in wrestling, girls would be forced to wear different uniforms than guys. The traditional uniform is too revealing in the chest area for a female to wear.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes. (“Keeping athletic teams same sex also closes the window for discrimination based solely upon gender. For example, there are two girls on the football team, and the other twenty-two players are of the male gender. The coach is a male and is an anti-feminist, who is often sexually discriminatory towards females. In this type of situation, which would occur more often than not, the two female players most likely will not play on the field very often. If they don t have the opportunity to play very often, then what was the point in joining the team? Basically, there was no point.”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention, or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“One could argue that if we keep all of the above sports under the rule of same gender, there is no reason why other sports such as football or soccer could not be co-ed. I beg to differ. Keeping some sports co-ed, and some sports same gender only causes more money for the school district to put out, money that could be put towards books and learning. In meaning, I’m saying that school districts would be forced to order different uniforms, which would also be confusing during a game. How would you know who to pass to?”)

Details are clear, correct, and specific. (“Now I'm sure that some might say that athletic teams were developed in order to create opportunities for recreational fun, not concerning with winning or losing. From a personal standpoint, I get out on the field to win, not to lose. If I do lose, it only makes me more determined to win the next time. To some of us, playing the game isn’t only about fun; it’s about winning. If you can accomplish winning and having fun at the same time, that s wonderful. But if you ask me, I d rather win.”)

Organization

This essay consists of very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as the effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer’s introduction poses a question or gives an unusual or surprising statement to its readers. (“I firmly believe that school associated athletic programs should remain separated by gender, meaning male and female teams should refrain from becoming co-ed. For any athletic program to be co-ed would be strictly inappropriate, irresponsible, and a considerably large mistake. Why, might you ask?”)

The writer includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“As I have earlier stated, I strongly believe it would be highly inappropriate for athletic teams to become be co-ed.”)

The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps-up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“As I have earlier stated, I strongly believe it would be highly inappropriate for athletic teams to become be co-ed. It would be a considerably large mistake, and would open the opportunity for a very large quantity of highly negative issues. In opening negative issues, it would not only create an uncomfortable atmosphere for the players, but also for the school district, who would therefore look very unattractive in the public eye. This would cause our great school district to be looked down on. So please, consider this letter, keep athletic programs a productive, and enjoyable experience for every player. The only intelligent thing to do in my eyes would be to keep athletic teams same sex to prevent many negative issues in our community.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are used in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are seen as well.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Now I'm sure that some might say that athletic teams were developed in order to create opportunities for recreational fun, not concerning with winning or losing. From a personal standpoint, I get out on the field to win, not to lose. If I do lose, it only makes me more determined to win the next time. To some of us, playing the game isn’t only about fun; it’s about winning. If you can accomplish winning and having fun at the same time, that’s wonderful. But if you ask me, I’d rather win.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“To some of us, playing the game isn’t only about fun; it’s about winning. If you can accomplish winning and having fun at the same time, that’s wonderful. But if you ask me, I’d rather win. …In meaning, I’m saying that school districts would be forced to order different uniforms, which would also be confusing during a game. How would you know who to pass to?”)

The compound sentence, “For example, there are two girls on the football team, and the other twenty-two players are of the male gender,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I firmly believe that school associated athletic programs should remain separated by gender, meaning male and female teams should refrain from becoming co-ed.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you enjoy sports? What sports do you like to play or observe? I know I like sports. I like to play soccer and ice hockey. Do you think that boys and girls should be on the same team or on separate teams? Personally I believe that boys and girls should be on the same team.

I believe that girls and boys should be able to play on the same team. Do you agree? I believe this because boys and girls should not be separated by their gender. They need to learn how to work as a team together. Boys and girls should have the same opportunities as the other gender. Girls and boys shouldn't be separated because people think boys play rough or they think boys are better. They should have the same chances as the other and in sports it does not matter who wins or loses. Or who is better and who is worse. The only thing that matters is that everyone has fun and enjoys themselves.

I believe that both genders should be able to play on the same team because every player is good at something. Also you can not tell if a player is good or bad at a sport by the way the look or what gender they are. There is a quote that fits many situation including this one. That quote is "Do not judge a book by its cover." This quote works with this situation because everybody should have the same opportunities as everyone else. You can not judge how well a person does something buy their appearance.

Everyone has their opinion about boys and girls playing on the same team. Some people think that they should not play on the same team because they think it is not right. They believe boys are better than girls or girls are better than boys. They also believe that boys play too rough and girls will get injured if they play together. Some people think that should be able to play on the same team as a last resort. They think that they should only be able to play together if there are no available teams made up of that on gender. Some people think that they should play on the same team. They think that both genders are equal and both boys and girls should have the same opportunities as the other gender.

Some schools are strict about boys and girls on the same team. The Louisiana High School Athletic Association has decided that girls may play competitive sports with boys if there are no comparable girls' teams. An injunction was granted last week by a Federal district judge in New Orleans . The association voted this week to change a rule banning coeducational athletics. The rule allowed only both genders to play tennis together. The sports association made up of more that 400 member schools across the state determines the rules by which his school's sports are played. But the ruling does not allow boys to join teams made up of girls when all-male teams in that sport are not offered. Currently volleyball is offered only to girls in Louisiana public schools.

In conclusion, I believe that boys and girls should be able to play on the same team. Everyone has their own opinion, but I believe this because you never know how well a person plays by their gender or appearance. Boys and girls need to work together and learn how to work as a team.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are shown in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position to persuade readers and d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. Most parts of the task are completed.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Personally I believe that boys and girls should be on the same team.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I believe that girls and boys should be able to play on the same team. Do you agree? I believe this because boys and girls should not be separated by their gender. They need to learn how to work as a team together. Boys and girls should have the same opportunities as the other gender. Girls and boys shouldn't be separated because people think boys play rough or they think boys are better. They should have the same chances as the other and in sports it does not matter who wins or loses. Or who is better and who is worse. The only thing that matters is that everyone has fun and enjoys themselves.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Everyone has their opinion about boys and girls playing on the same team. Some people think that they should not play on the same team because they think it is not right. They believe boys are better than girls or girls are better than boys. They also believe that boys play too rough and girls will get injured if they play together. Some people think that should be able to play on the same team as a last resort. They think that they should only be able to play together if there are no available teams made up of that on gender. Some people think that they should play on the same team. They think that both genders are equal and both boys and girls should have the same opportunities as the other gender.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are found in this essay. The writer develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. The essay also clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer predicts what readers might think or say if they disagree with his/her position. (“Everyone has their opinion about boys and girls playing on the same team. Some people think that they should not play on the same team because they think it is not right. They believe boys are better than girls or girls are better than boys. They also believe that boys play too rough and girls will get injured if they play together. Some people think that should be able to play on the same team as a last resort. They think that they should only be able to play together if there are no available teams made up of that on gender. Some people think that they should play on the same team. They think that both genders are equal and both boys and girls should have the same opportunities as the other gender.”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention, or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“Do you enjoy sports? What sports do you like to play or observe? I know I like sports. I like to play soccer and ice hockey. Do you think that boys and girls should be on the same team or on separate teams? Personally I believe that boys and girls should be on the same team.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Some schools are strict about boys and girls on the same team. The Louisiana High School Athletic Association has decided that girls may play competitive sports with boys if there are no comparable girls' teams. An injunction was granted last week by a Federal district judge in New Orleans . The association voted this week to change a rule banning coeducational athletics. The rule allowed only both genders to play tennis together. The sports association made up of more that 400 member schools across the state determines the rules by which his school's sports are played. But the ruling does not allow boys to join teams made up of girls when all-male teams in that sport are not offered. Currently volleyball is offered only to girls in Louisiana public schools.”)

Organization

The essay shows good use of organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction poses a question or gives an unusual or surprising statement to its readers. (“Do you enjoy sports? What sports do you like to play or observe? I know I like sports. I like to play soccer and ice hockey. Do you think that boys and girls should be on the same team or on separate teams? Personally I believe that boys and girls should be on the same team.”)

The writer states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Do you enjoy sports? What sports do you like to play or observe? I know I like sports. I like to play soccer and ice hockey. Do you think that boys and girls should be on the same team or on separate teams? Personally I believe that boys and girls should be on the same team.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “in conclusion,” that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“In conclusion, I believe that boys and girls should be able to play on the same team.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“In conclusion, I believe that boys and girls should be able to play on the same team. Everyone has their own opinion, but I believe this because you never know how well a person plays by their gender or appearance. Boys and girls need to work together and learn how to work as a team.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay shows evidence of good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“I believe that girls and boys should be able to play on the same team. Do you agree? I believe this because boys and girls should not be separated by their gender. They need to learn how to work as a team together. Boys and girls should have the same opportunities as the other gender. Girls and boys shouldn't be separated because people think boys play rough or they think boys are better.”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Girls and boys shouldn't be separated because people think boys play rough or they think boys are better. They should have the same chances as the other and in sports it does not matter who wins or loses.”)

The compound sentence, “Everyone has their own opinion, but I believe this because you never know how well a person plays by their gender or appearance,” is used well.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates good control over the use of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Girls and boys shouldn't be separated because people think boys play rough or they think boys are better. They should have the same chances as the other and in sports it does not matter who wins or loses.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Just the other day I was walking down the street. I look at a poster on the window of a store. It read, "Do you think that boys and girls should play on the same football team? Come see the coach at the park to tell him your opinion." I don't think that that is a good idea. So, I Went to the park to talk to the coach. As soon as I got there, I saw him. "Coach, I don't think that girls and boys should play on the same football team, and I will tell you why."

My first reason is girls are afraid to get hurt. Let's face it, if a lot of boys are already on one team, then the girls might not join the team, anyway. Plus, the girls are afraid the will get hurt by someone. It may add more competition to the game, but there is enough competition between the boys, anyway. The girls might break a nail or something like that. Those are some good reasons, I think.

My second reason is fights in football. You have to agree that football is a violent sport, right? If your brother or sister is on your team, then you might start arguing over the ball and lose the play. Also, if you and another person get in a fight, then the girls will try to jump in and stop it, but they will just end up getting hurt. That also coordinates with injuries. A brother and sister might not start fighting, but most likely that would happen because most siblings always argue.

My third reason is coach fairness. If girls and boys were on the same team, wouldn't you pick just the boys for the plays? I know that most coaches would. So that alligns with the fairness because most coaches will probably just pick boys for the plays. Some coaches might pick girls (rarely), but the team will start complaining and the girls might lose the play. Well, that is a good and true example.

In conclusion, my opinion is that boys and girls should not play on the same football team. I hope that you understood all my facts and examples, and hope you agree with me. Remember, girls are afraid to get hurt, the fighting in football, and the coach fairness. I hope you agree with my opinion now.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are discernible to readers of this essay. The writer establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the readers , while demonstrating a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completing many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“My second reason is fights in football. You have to agree that football is a violent sport, right? If your brother or sister is on your team, then you might start arguing over the ball and lose the play. Also, if you and another person get in a fight, then the girls will try to jump in and stop it, but they will just end up getting hurt. That also coordinates with injuries. A brother and sister might not start fighting, but most likely that would happen because most siblings always argue.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples. (“‘Coach, I don't think that girls and boys should play on the same football team, and I will tell you why.’”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“My third reason is coach fairness. If girls and boys were on the same team, wouldn't you pick just the boys for the plays? I know that most coaches would. So that alligns with the fairness because most coaches will probably just pick boys for the plays. Some coaches might pick girls (rarely), but the team will start complaining and the girls might lose the play. Well, that is a good and true example.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. Additionally, the writer adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion when he/she states that having both boys and girls may “add more competition to the game,” when this is not needed, as “there is enough competition between the boys, anyway.”

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“My third reason is coach fairness. If girls and boys were on the same team, wouldn't you pick just the boys for the plays? I know that most coaches would. So that alligns with the fairness because most coaches will probably just pick boys for the plays. Some coaches might pick girls (rarely), but the team will start complaining and the girls might lose the play. Well, that is a good and true example.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“My second reason is fights in football. You have to agree that football is a violent sport, right? If your brother or sister is on your team, then you might start arguing over the ball and lose the play. Also, if you and another person get in a fight, then the girls will try to jump in and stop it, but they will just end up getting hurt. That also coordinates with injuries. A brother and sister might not start fighting, but most likely that would happen because most siblings always argue.”)

Organization

This persuasive essay contains adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Just the other day I was walking down the street. I look at a poster on the window of a store. It read, ‘Do you think that boys and girls should play on the same football team? Come see the coach at the park to tell him your opinion.’ I don't think that that is a good idea. So, I Went to the park to talk to the coach. As soon as I got there, I saw him. ‘Coach, I don't think that girls and boys should play on the same football team, and I will tell you why.’”)

The writer includes some transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“In conclusion, my opinion is that boys and girls should not play on the same football team.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“In conclusion, my opinion is that boys and girls should not play on the same football team. I hope that you understood all my facts and examples, and hope you agree with me. Remember, girls are afraid to get hurt, the fighting in football, and the coach fairness. I hope you agree with my opinion now.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay shows evidence of adequate language use and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“My second reason is fights in football. You have to agree that football is a violent sport, right? If your brother or sister is on your team, then you might start arguing over the ball and lose the play. Also, if you and another person get in a fight, then the girls will try to jump in and stop it, but they will just end up getting hurt. That also coordinates with injuries. A brother and sister might not start fighting, but most likely that would happen because most siblings always argue.”)

The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“My third reason is coach fairness. If girls and boys were on the same team, wouldn't you pick just the boys for the plays? I know that most coaches would. So that alligns with the fairness because most coaches will probably just pick boys for the plays.”)

Word choice is sometimes poor; for example, the term “think” and the phrase “something like that” are not strong or convincing and make the writer appear as if he/she is unsure of himself/herself. (“The girls might break a nail or something like that. Those are some good reasons, I think.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ If girls and boys were on the same team, wouldn't you pick just the boys for the plays? I know that most coaches would. So that alligns with the fairness because most coaches will probably just pick boys for the plays.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you think that girls and boys should play on the same team? No, I think guys should play on another team away from the girls. Our school should let the girls play their own sports and guys play on their own too. There are many reasons why they should play on diffferent teams. One, they could not pay attention to the game. Two, girls may not know that sport, and three maybe guys don’t like to play sports iont of girls, or girls do not like to play in front of guys. There are many reasons why guys and girls should play on different teams. Lets start with they may not pay attention to the game.

One reason why guys and girls should play on different teams, is because they may not pay attention to the game. They may decide that the girl or guy is more important than the game. Sometimes the guys star flirting with the girls, or the girls will start flirting with the guys. It may be hard to stop that. Or it may be hard to seperate them form doing that. Most everyone knows that girls like to flirt with girls, and guys like to flirt with girls; there is no stopping that. That is one reason why you should put girls on a different team.

Another reason why girls and guys should be put on a different team. is because the girls may not know the sport you are playing, or does not know how to play that sport. Girls have a very distinct mind about sports, you may have to explain the sport about once or twice before the girl can play. It is very hard to explain a sport to a person. The girl that is playing may not know how to play so she will have to sit out or quit the team.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states a position but may be unclear or underdeveloped; the essay demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Do you think that girls and boys should play on the same team? No, I think guys should play on another team away from the girls. Our school should let the girls play their own sports and guys play on their own too. There are many reasons why they should play on diffferent teams. One, they could not pay attention to the game. Two, girls may not know that sport, and three maybe guys do not like to play sports iont of girls, or girls do not like to play in front of guys. There are many reasons why guys and girls should play on different teams. Lets start with they may not pay attention to the game.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“Another reason why girls and guys should be put on a different team. is because the girls may not know the sport you are playing, or does not know how to play that sport. Girls have a very distinct mind about sports, you may have to explain the sport about once or twice before the girl can play. It is very hard to explain a sport to a person. The girl that is playing may not know how to play so she will have to sit out or quit the team.”)

The essay’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Two, girls may not know that sport, and three maybe guys don’t like to play sports iont of girls, or girls do not like to play in front of guys.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. It only attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

Each supporting reason is the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. (“One reason why guys and girls should play on different teams, is because they may not pay attention to the game. They may decide that the girl or guy is more important than the game. Sometimes the guys star flirting with the girls, or the girls will start flirting with the guys. It may be hard to stop that. Or it may be hard to seperate them form doing that. Most everyone knows that girls like to flirt with girls, and guys like to flirt with girls; there is no stopping that. That is one reason why you should put girls on a different team.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“One reason why guys and girls should play on different teams, is because they may not pay attention to the game. They may decide that the girl or guy is more important than the game. Sometimes the guys star flirting with the girls, or the girls will start flirting with the guys. It may be hard to stop that. Or it may be hard to seperate them form doing that. Most everyone knows that girls like to flirt with girls, and guys like to flirt with girls; there is no stopping that. That is one reason why you should put girls on a different team.”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. (“Another reason why girls and guys should be put on a different team. is because the girls may not know the sport you are playing, or does not know how to play that sport. Girls have a very distinct mind about sports, you may have to explain the sport about once or twice before the girl can play. It is very hard to explain a sport to a person. The girl that is playing may not know how to play so she will have to sit out or quit the team.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“Do you think that girls and boys should play on the same team? No, I think guys should play on another team away from the girls. Our school should let the girls play their own sports and guys play on their own too. There are many reasons why they should play on diffferent teams. One, they could not pay attention to the game. Two, girls may not know that sport, and three maybe guys don’t like to play sports iont of girls, or girls do not like to play in front of guys. There are many reasons why guys and girls should play on different teams. Lets start with they may not pay attention to the game.”)

The essay’s thesis may not be stated at the end of the introduction. (“Do you think that girls and boys should play on the same team? No, I think guys should play on another team away from the girls. Our school should let the girls play their own sports and guys play on their own too. There are many reasons why they should play on diffferent teams. One, they could not pay attention to the game. Two, girls may not know that sport, and three maybe guys don’t like to play sports iont of girls, or girls do not like to play in front of guys. There are many reasons why guys and girls should play on different teams. Lets start with they may not pay attention to the game.”)

The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. (“One reason why guys and girls should play on different teams, is because they may not pay attention to the game. They may decide that the girl or guy is more important than the game. Sometimes the guys star flirting with the girls, or the girls will start flirting with the guys. It may be hard to stop that. Or it may be hard to seperate them form doing that. Most everyone knows that girls like to flirt with girls, and guys like to flirt with girls; there is no stopping that. That is one reason why you should put girls on a different team.”)

The limited use of transitional devices may not lead readers to a logical conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“One reason why guys and girls should play on different teams, is because they may not pay attention to the game. They may decide that the girl or guy is more important than the game. Sometimes the guys star flirting with the girls, or the girls will start flirting with the guys. It may be hard to stop that. Or it may be hard to seperate them form doing that. Most everyone knows that girls like to flirt with girls, and guys like to flirt with girls; there is no stopping that. That is one reason why you should put girls on a different team. …Another reason why girls and guys should be put on a different team. is because the girls may not know the sport you are playing, or does not know how to play that sport. Girls have a very distinct mind about sports, you may have to explain the sport about once or twice before the girl can play. It is very hard to explain a sport to a person. The girl that is playing may not know how to play so she will have to sit out or quit the team.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay consists of limited language use and style. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“One reason why guys and girls should play on different teams, is because they may not pay attention to the game.”)

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“Girls have a very distinct mind about sports, you may have to explain the sport about once or twice before the girl can play.”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“It may be hard to stop that.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay at hand demonstrates limited control over the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Another reason why girls and guys should be put on a different team. is because the girls may not know the sport you are playing, or does not know how to play that sport.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think boys and girls should play on the same team because then you could get all tips of playing levels and it would help also by you could have athletic girls and you have a good team. I also think that some girls can be very good at sports like soccer there are a lot of girls that are good at soccer. Also I think that girls could cheer up the team because girls are good at doing that. But some times it could be a bad idea to put them together. But that happens rarely and with only a couple of people.

boys and girls can get along very well in sports. Also it would be more fair if boys and girls were on the same team because then there wouldn't be all athletic boys on one team and not the other. Being on the same team would be fun and everyone would have a good time. There also are some boy that are not athletic and there where the girls could help by being athletic. So that's why i think you should put girls and boys on the same sports team.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating a position. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“I think boys and girls should play on the same team because then you could get all tips of playing levels and it would help also by you could have athletic girls and you have a good team. I also think that some girls can be very good at sports like soccer there are a lot of girls that are good at soccer. Also I think that girls could cheer up the team because girls are good at doing that. But some times it could be a bad idea to put them together. But that happens rarely and with only a couple of people.”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way. (“I think boys and girls should play on the same team because then you could get all tips of playing levels and it would help also by you could have athletic girls and you have a good team. I also think that some girls can be very good at sports like soccer there are a lot of girls that are good at soccer. Also I think that girls could cheer up the team because girls are good at doing that. But some times it could be a bad idea to put them together. But that happens rarely and with only a couple of people.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I think boys and girls should play on the same team because then you could get all tips of playing levels and it would help also by you could have athletic girls and you have a good team. I also think that some girls can be very good at sports like soccer there are a lot of girls that are good at soccer. Also I think that girls could cheer up the team because girls are good at doing that. But some times it could be a bad idea to put them together. But that happens rarely and with only a couple of people.”)

Content & Development

This essay uses minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. However, it may consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“boys and girls can get along very well in sports. Also it would be more fair if boys and girls were on the same team because then there wouldn't be all athletic boys on one team and not the other. Being on the same team would be fun and everyone would have a good time. There also are some boy that are not athletic and there where the girls could help by being athletic. So that's why i think you should put girls and boys on the same sports team.”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“boys and girls can get along very well in sports. Also it would be more fair if boys and girls were on the same team because then there wouldn't be all athletic boys on one team and not the other. Being on the same team would be fun and everyone would have a good time. There also are some boy that are not athletic and there where the girls could help by being athletic. So that's why i think you should put girls and boys on the same sports team.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“boys and girls can get along very well in sports. Also it would be more fair if boys and girls were on the same team because then there wouldn't be all athletic boys on one team and not the other. Being on the same team would be fun and everyone would have a good time. There also are some boy that are not athletic and there where the girls could help by being athletic. So that's why i think you should put girls and boys on the same sports team.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates evidence of m inimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The thesis statement cannot be found at the end of the introduction. (“I think boys and girls should play on the same team because then you could get all tips of playing levels and it would help also by you could have athletic girls and you have a good team. I also think that some girls can be very good at sports like soccer there are a lot of girls that are good at soccer. Also I think that girls could cheer up the team because girls are good at doing that. But some times it could be a bad idea to put them together. But that happens rarely and with only a couple of people.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“boys and girls can get along very well in sports. Also it would be more fair if boys and girls were on the same team because then there wouldn't be all athletic boys on one team and not the other. Being on the same team would be fun and everyone would have a good time. There also are some boy that are not athletic and there where the girls could help by being athletic. So that's why i think you should put girls and boys on the same sports team.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion; the writer merely tacks on a concluding sentence at the end of the second paragraph. (“boys and girls can get along very well in sports. Also it would be more fair if boys and girls were on the same team because then there wouldn't be all athletic boys on one team and not the other. Being on the same team would be fun and everyone would have a good time. There also are some boy that are not athletic and there where the girls could help by being athletic. So that's why i think you should put girls and boys on the same sports team.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The writing conveys poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Also it would be more fair if boys and girls were on the same team because then there wouldn't be all athletic boys on one team and not the other. Being on the same team would be fun and everyone would have a good time. There also are some boy that are not athletic and there where the girls could help by being athletic.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“I think boys and girls should play on the same team because then you could get all tips of playing levels and it would help also by you could have athletic girls and you have a good team. I also think that some girls can be very good at sports like soccer there are a lot of girls that are good at soccer.”)

There is a minimal variety of sentences in this essay. (“I think boys and girls should play on the same team because then you could get all tips of playing levels and it would help also by you could have athletic girls and you have a good team. I also think that some girls can be very good at sports like soccer there are a lot of girls that are good at soccer. Also I think that girls could cheer up the team because girls are good at doing that. But some times it could be a bad idea to put them together. But that happens rarely and with only a couple of people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows minimal control of mechanics and conventions. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“boys and girls can get along very well in sports. Also it would be more fair if boys and girls were on the same team because then there wouldn't be all athletic boys on one team and not the other.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls.

I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position, and little effort is made to persuade. Few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls. …I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls.”)

Content & Development

I nadequate content and development are found in the essay. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls. …I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls. …I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls. …I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls. …I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

Organization

The essay features inadequate organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction, conclusion, paragraphing, or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls.”)

The thesis statement cannot be found at the end of the introduction. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any evidence of a conclusion at all. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls. …I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

Language Use & Style

The essay contains inadequate language use and style. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls. …I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Meny people think that boys and girls may not be on the same team. Meny other people think that thay should. A reason why thay should and a reason why thay thay should is thay lern to get to know each other not like thay will say blue is for boys and pink is for girls. …I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is found in this essay. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I think thay should be on the same sports team its good for them. Its posable that thay can fight.Thay play games like football,”)

The Value of Increased Cultural Awareness

Many schools spend time teaching students about the customs, values, and history of different cultures. It is said that by increasing cultural awareness, schools will be able to decrease the fear, misunderstanding, and potential for violence between different cultural groups. What do you think?

Write a letter to your principal in which you discuss your opinion on whether increased cultural awareness will lead to a more peaceful society. Support your position with reasons and evidence from your personal experience or readings.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Principal,

It is said that by increasing cultural awareness, individuals will be able to decrease the fear, misunderstanding, and potential for violence between different cultural groups. Cultural awareness refers to the ability to be knowledgeable about the changing attitudes regarding global cultures and ways of living. Cultural awareness has a big impact on communication, and when not properly understood, it leads to breakdowns in society. The world would be a better and safer place if we all learned to embrace each other's cultures and accept all of the differences between them. Cultural awareness makes people aware of their cultural values and beliefs. It is very sad that people are so quick to judge another's race when they know nothing about their culture. There would be more tranquility in the world if everyone accepted and respected each other's culture, and there was no violence and hatred between different races.

To increase cultural awareness, we can try to reduce the misunderstanding of different cultural groups. This takes me back to a time when I brought one of my close friends to my aunt's 50th birthday party. She didn't understand what was going on which made her think poorly of my culture. A couple hours into the party, I realized that she really enjoyed the party and the traditional things that were happening. People were wearing traditional attire, and everything was so interesting to her. She didn't understand the music or the language that was being spoken around her, but she understood the purpose of the party and why we were celebrating my aunt's 50th birthday. I think that all she needed was a little more exposure and understanding of our culture and then she would change her opinions and thoughts about my culture. Cultural awareness can bring happiness and joy to a person once they have a good understanding of a certain culture. This shows that increasing cultural awareness would improve our nation, so that we have a peaceful world.

If we work on increasing cultural awareness, we can reduce the amount of violence within a community of different cultures. For example, September 11th was a big tragedy that happened because of a lack of cultural awareness. Now people look at Middle Eastern people as bad people, and they are scared whenever they see these Middle Eastern people because they think they are terrorists. I think if there was more understanding of Middle Eastern people, other cultural groups would understand that not all Middle Easterners are bad, and they are not terrorists. If two different ethnic groups have different opinions of each other, and the opinions are based on stereotyping and rumors, it would trigger violence. The two groups would want to fight each other and argue. Sometimes gangs are formed, and they cause most of the violence because of lack of cultural awareness which causes misunderstanding. There would be no respect between anyone in those two ethnic groups because there would be tension between certain cultural groups. Violence will never be the solution to a problem, it just brings more controversy to the people in the different groups. Increasing cultural awareness would reduce the amount of violence within a community of different cultures because everyone would get along and respect each other, and there wouldn't be any violent behavior between different ethnic groups.

I strongly believe that all cultures in our nation, communities, societies, and neighborhoods should get along and treat each other how they would like to be treated so that we could reduce fear. Treating each other unfairly would just bring fear to a community. People would be scared to walk out of their houses because they are being judged or there is violence between their race and another. It is safer to have more understanding about other races so that we all get along. There would be more peace in the world if everyone accepted and respected each other's culture, and there would be less violence and hatred between different races. People will always misunderstand if they do not try to find out a little information on other cultures; this is how feuds start between people. If there was a little more unity and understanding in this world, we could prevent this feud from happening. Increasing cultural awareness would reduce the amount of fear between different cultural groups, and there would be a safe environment.

In conclusion, by increasing cultural awareness, people will be able to decrease the fear, misunderstanding, and potential for violence between different cultural groups. Misunderstanding usually occurs when there is a lack of awareness, therefore, it would be a step in the right direction if people came together and embraced each other's culture. The world would be a better place if people would stop assuming all the time. Occasionally we have to step outside of our cultural boundaries in order to realize the impact that our culture has on our behavior. Our various countries in this world should not go against each other just because of misunderstanding. Cultural awareness recognizes that we are all shaped by our cultural background, which influences how we understand the world around us, observe ourselves and relate to other people. We should all make an effort to prevent this from happening by bringing peace, respecting each other's culture and keeping the negativity to ourselves. Cultural awareness could really help a diverse cultured community get along and learn how to respect and appreciate each other. Togetherness is the key to increase cultural awareness.

Your Well Behaved Student,

Anne

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. The introductory paragraph provides background information and the writer's thesis/opinion statement, which establishes the focus of the response very effectively. ("It is said that by increasing cultural awareness, individuals will be able to decrease the fear, misunderstanding, and potential for violence between different cultural groups. … There would be more tranquility in the world if everyone accepted and respected each other's culture and there was no violence and hatred between different races.")

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer uses a personal anecdote and the tragedy of September 11 as examples of where increased cultural awareness either did or could have a positive impact. ("I think that all she needed was a little more exposure and understanding of our culture and then she would change her opinions and thoughts about my culture." "I think if there was more understanding of Middle Eastern people, other cultural groups would understand that not all Middle Easterners are bad, and they are not terrorists. If two different ethnic groups have different opinions of each other, and the opinions are based on stereotyping and rumors, it would trigger violence.")

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that increased cultural awareness will encourage peace. The writer circles back to the theme of understanding between races as he/she makes the point that increased awareness will foster that understanding and result in a more peaceful society. ("People would be scared to walk out of their houses because they are being judged or there is violence between their race and another. It is safer to have more understanding about other races so that we all get along. There would be more peace in the world if everyone accepted and respected each other's culture, and there would be less violence and hatred between different races.")

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of increased cultural awareness. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. The writer tells of introducing a friend to an important cultural family event, which the friend does not initially understand. The anecdote is a real-life example of the effect of increased cultural awareness. ("This takes me back to a time when I brought one of my close friends to my aunt's 50th birthday party. She didn't understand what was going on which made her think poorly of my culture. A couple hours into the party, I realized that she really enjoyed the party and the traditional things that were happening. People were wearing traditional attire, and everything was so interesting to her. She didn't understand the music or the language that was being spoken around her, but she understood the purpose of the party and why we were celebrating my aunt's 50th birthday. I think that all she needed was a little more exposure and understanding of our culture and then she would change her opinions and thoughts about my culture.")

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. In addition to the personal anecdote, the writer refers back to the September 11 tragedy and how it affected attitudes toward Middle Easterners in the US. This is a moment in history that most readers will be able to relate to. ("For example, September 11th was a big tragedy that happened because of a lack of cultural awareness. Now people look at Middle Eastern people as bad people, and they are scared whenever they see these Middle Eastern people because they think they are terrorists. I think if there was more understanding of Middle Eastern people, other cultural groups would understand that not all Middle Easterners are bad, and they are not terrorists.")

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to the readers. ("Occasionally we have to step outside of our cultural boundaries in order to realize the impact that our culture has on our behavior. Our various countries in this world should not go against each other just because of misunderstanding. Cultural awareness recognizes that we are all shaped by our cultural background, which influences how we understand the world around us, observe ourselves and relate to other people. We should all make an effort to prevent this from happening by bringing peace, respecting each other's culture and keeping the negativity to ourselves.") The writer successfully invites readers to participate in cultural awareness and work toward peaceful relations with other cultural groups.

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The writer also includes background information that provides a foundation for his/her position on the value of increased cultural awareness. ("It is said that by increasing cultural awareness, individuals will be able to decrease the fear, misunderstanding, and potential for violence between different cultural groups. Cultural awareness refers to the ability to be knowledgeable about the changing attitudes regarding global cultures and ways of living. Cultural awareness has a big impact on communication, and when not properly understood, it leads to breakdowns in society. The world would be a better and safer place if we all learned to embrace each other's cultures and accept all of the differences between them. Cultural awareness makes people aware of their cultural values and beliefs. It is very sad that people are so quick to judge another's race when they know nothing about their culture. There would be more tranquility in the world if everyone accepted and respected each other's culture, and there was no violence and hatred between different races.")

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. The writer does a good job of using a topic sentence to set the stage for the rest of the paragraph. ("To increase cultural awareness, we can try to reduce the misunderstanding of different cultural groups." "If we work on increasing cultural awareness, we can reduce the amount of violence within a community of different cultures.")

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. In keeping with the belief that people should respect each other and work together, the writer does not single out the individual reader with requests or suggestions and instead addresses everyone. ("Misunderstanding usually occurs when there is a lack of awareness, therefore, it would be a step in the right direction if people came together and embraced each other's culture. The world would be a better place if people would stop assuming all the time. Occasionally we have to step outside of our cultural boundaries in order to realize the impact that our culture has on our behavior. Our various countries in this world should not go against each other just because of misunderstanding. Cultural awareness recognizes that we are all shaped by our cultural background, which influences how we understand the world around us, observe ourselves and relate to other people. We should all make an effort to prevent this from happening by bringing peace, respecting each other's culture and keeping the negativity to ourselves.")

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses "would" to draw attention to the scenarios that he/she would either like to prevent or encourage. ("Treating each other unfairly would just bring fear to a community. People would be scared to walk out of their houses because they are being judged or there is violence between their race and another. It is safer to have more understanding about other races so that we all get along. There would be more peace in the world if everyone accepted and respected each other's culture, and there would be less violence and hatred between different races.")

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. The writer very effectively uses different sentence structures to maintain the readers' interest. ("For example, September 11th was a big tragedy that happened because of a lack of cultural awareness. Now people look at Middle Eastern people as bad people, and they are scared whenever they see these Middle Eastern people because they think they are terrorists. I think if there was more understanding of Middle Eastern people, other cultural groups would understand that not all Middle Easterners are bad, and they are not terrorists. If two different ethnic groups have different opinions of each other, and the opinions are based on stereotyping and rumors, it would trigger violence.")

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The writer maintains a tone of optimism and perseverance throughout. ("I think that all she needed was a little more exposure and understanding of our culture and then she would change her opinions and thoughts about my culture. Cultural awareness can bring happiness and joy to a person once they have a good understanding of a certain culture. This shows that increasing cultural awareness would improve our nation, so that we have a peaceful world.")

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. ("We should all make an effort to prevent this from happening by bringing peace, respecting each other's culture and keeping the negativity to ourselves. Cultural awareness could really help a diverse cultured community get along and learn how to respect and appreciate each other.")

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Principal:

To this day, many school boards spend time teaching students about the customs, values, and history of different cultures. It is said that by increasing cultural awareness, schools will be able to decrease the fear, misunderstanding, and potential for violence between different cultural groups. As a student aware of this issue myself, I am writing to you with my strong opinion on this problem that every school debates. In my view, I believe that cultural awareness will lead to a more peaceful society. Students will be happier in class when other students ignore their unique cultures, feel good about themselves, and will be able to express themselves when they know other people will accept them for who they are.

As a principal, you should know that students will receive remarkable grades when they are comfortable and happy in the classroom, workplace, or any aspect of their future life. A wise man once said, "Don't judge people by their looks, but for their true meaning." In other words, show respect to everybody, no matter the color of their skin or clothing they wear. Only then, will you recognize their true character. Everybody has a chance to bring awareness to the fact that a person is more than he or she might seem. When everybody celebrates diverse cultures, students should have outstanding results and changes in their future life, no matter what they look like.

Another reason this issue must be discussed, is that students will feel good about themselves for their own cultures. The Declaration of Independence states, "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal." This means that every person has a chance to be what they want to be, no matter what "class" they are in or color of their skin. In other words, everybody has the ability to achieve their goals regardless what they look like. When everybody in school understands this, every student shall be able to live on their life without worrying about their race.

However, students not only should think of everyone as equal, they should express their true meaning. Everyone should celebrate this marvelous thing known as diversity. As a person who has seen many different cultures, I understand peoples' unique traditions, and I find some of them quite interesting and outstanding. For example, on various websites, I have seen different cultural dances and songs, some of which are enjoyable to watch because they are different. In other words, students should notice the real value of the variety of culture there is. Students will be able to feel great about their ways of living, and will be more at peace during school, allowing them to be productive in class.

Some parents believe that the customs, values, and history of different people should not be taught to their children. They believe that this would be a waste of precious school time. These individuals believe that schools are perfectly fine the way they are, and the issue should not be discussed further. To put it another way, these naysayers think that diversity is important, but not important enough to be taught at school because it is a waste of time that can be used for other educational purposes.

However, in my view, I clearly believe that the customs, values, and history of different students and races should be taught at school. Schools will be able to decrease the fear, misunderstanding, and potential for violence between different cultural groups. Each individual will be happy when people ignore their culture or race, feel good about themselves, and will be able to express themselves for who they are. Imagine a school where everybody is happy to express their values therefore resulting in outstanding grades. Not only will celebrating diversity bring peace to every student, but it will also lead to opportunities in the future.

Sincerely,

Concerned Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer clearly expresses the opinion that he/she believes that increased cultural awareness will bring peace to students and to society. ("In my view, I believe that cultural awareness will lead to a more peaceful society. " "Students will be able to feel great about their ways of living, and will be more at peace during school, allowing them to be productive in class." " Not only will celebrating diversity bring peace to every student, but it will also lead to opportunities in the future." ) The focus would be strengthened by a stronger argument for a more peaceful society.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. The writer effectively states his/her thesis in the introductory paragraph. ("In my view, I believe that cultural awareness will lead to a more peaceful society. Students will be happier in class when other students ignore their unique cultures, feel good about themselves, and will be able to express themselves when they know other people will accept them for who they are. ")

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The writer uses the language of the prompt. The language in the body of the essay is consistent in its discussion of diversity, awareness, cultures, and benefits to students and society. ("Everybody has a chance to bring awareness to the fact that a person is more than he or she might seem. When everybody celebrates diverse cultures, students should have outstanding results and changes in their future life, no matter what they look like. ")

Content & Development

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. The writer devotes an entire paragraph to addressing the opposite point of view. ("Some parents believe that the customs, values, and history of different people should not be taught to their children. They believe that this would be a waste of precious school time. These individuals believe that schools are perfectly fine the way they are, and the issue should not be discussed further. To put it another way, these naysayers think that diversity is important, but not important enough to be taught at school because it is a waste of time that can be used for other educational purposes. ")

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well balanced. Body paragraphs contain specific and relevant details in support of the topic sentence. ("As a principal, you should know that students will receive remarkable grades when they are comfortable and happy in the classroom, workplace, or any aspect of their future life. A wise man once said, 'Don't judge people by their looks, but for their true meaning.' In other words, show respect to everybody, no matter the color of their skin or clothing they wear. Only then, will you recognize their true character. Everybody has a chance to bring awareness to the fact that a person is more than he or she might seem. When everybody celebrates diverse cultures, students should have outstanding results and changes in their future life, no matter what they look like. ")

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer includes personal insights, which are appropriate for the topic. ("However, students not only should think of everyone as equal, they should express their true meaning. Everyone should celebrate this marvelous thing known as diversity. As a person who has seen many different cultures, I understand peoples' unique traditions, and I find some of them quite interesting and outstanding. For example, on various websites, I have seen different cultural dances and songs, some of which are enjoyable to watch because they are different. In other words, students should notice the real value of the variety of culture there is. Students will be able to feel great about their ways of living, and will be more at peace during school, allowing them to be productive in class. ")

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. ("In my view, I believe that cultural awareness will lead to a more peaceful society. Students will be happier in class when other students ignore their unique cultures, feel good about themselves, and will be able to express themselves when they know other people will accept them for who they are. ")

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The writer uses many different transitions within paragraphs and between sentences. ("To put it another way, …. " "However, …." "In other words, …." "For example, ….")

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. ("However, in my view, I clearly believe that the customs, values, and history of different students and races should be taught at school. Schools will be able to decrease the fear, misunderstanding, and potential for violence between different cultural groups. Each individual will be happy when people ignore their culture or race, feel good about themselves, and will be able to express themselves for who they are. Imagine a school where everybody is happy to express their values therefore resulting in outstanding grades. Not only will celebrating diversity bring peace to every student, but it will also lead to opportunities in the future. ")

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. The writer uses effective persuasive words and phrases like "should," "will be," "clearly believe," and "strong opinion." There is occasional awkward word choice and syntax, which the writer should improve. ("In other words, students should notice the real value of the variety of culture there is." "As a person who has seen many different cultures, I understand peoples' unique traditions, and I find some of them quite interesting and outstanding.")

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. The writer does a very good job of combining sentences and varying sentence structure. ("These individuals believe that schools are perfectly fine the way they are, and the issue should not be discussed further. To put it another way, these naysayers think that diversity is important, but not important enough to be taught at school because it is a waste of time that can be used for other educational purposes. ")

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. In addition to being persuasive, the writer is consistently optimistic and upbeat. He/she seems confident in winning over readers. ("As a person who has seen many different cultures, I understand peoples' unique traditions, and I find some of them quite interesting and outstanding. For example, on various websites, I have seen different cultural dances and songs, some of which are enjoyable to watch because they are different. In other words, students should notice the real value of the variety of culture there is. Students will be able to feel great about their ways of living, and will be more at peace during school, allowing them to be productive in class. ") The c oherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is good control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (" Everybody has a chance to bring awareness to the fact that a person is more than he or she might seem. When everybody celebrates diverse cultures, students should have outstanding results and changes in their future life, no matter what they look like. ")

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Imagine a classroom where everyone could get along because everybody understood each other and their cultural backgrounds. Unfortunately we do not have this type of understanding in the classroom which is why you should create a way to raise the awareness of different cultures and races.

By doing this you will prevent any misunderstandings that the students of Rosewood Middle School might have toward each other. Different gestures mean different things in different cultures, so by doing this you will be preventing someone accidentally doing something that would be considered offensive by other students. There are certain things that people say in different cultures, for example aloha in Hawaii means both hello and goodbye, but some children may not understand this concept and not understand what that student is saying towards him. Sometimes students from other backgrounds do stuff that we may consider odd, by raising awareness we can make these things not seem so weird to us. If we learn all the different ways that people say hello, goodbye, and certain other phrases we can avoid a lot of confusion.

When we raise the awareness we can take away and hopefully make any stereotypes forlorn and alienated. Sometimes a student may hear a stereotype that makes him afraid of others from a different culture, we can eliminate this problem if we would just teach people that these stereotypes are untrue and made up. We may also be caught unaware that others have stereotyped us which may make us look bad or even harmful to them. By teaching others that these stereotypes are not legitimate we can make it so that students won't judge one another at first glance. The stereotypes are bad and potentially dangerous to some students so we must abolish them.

Raising the awareness may also decrease the racism that students have towards each other. If we learn about the other races the students will understand each other better and figure out that everyone is a human being that has feelings. Sometimes there will be a fight arisen because someone will make a rude remark to another's race that will bring them to defend their pride in violence. We will learn about other races and that would teach us that we're not so different after all. So please put an end to all the racism that is happening in our school right now.

Some may argue that cultural awareness will take away time from our valuable education. However we are actually learning when we are doing this act and will not be wasting time at all.

Doctor Hanson, it is your responsibility to raise the cultural awareness in our classrooms and rid the school of all misunderstandings, stereotypes, and racists.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about the value of increased cultural awareness and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. Although the introduction to the essay is very short, the writer does include a thesis statement about raising cultural awareness. To improve the focus of the essay, the writer should address the prompt task more directly with a statement about a more peaceful society. ("Unfortunately we do not have this type of understanding in the classroom which is why you should create a way to raise the awareness of different cultures and races.")

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer discusses racism and stereotyping as they relate to understanding other cultures. ("When we raise the awareness we can take away and hopefully make any stereotypes forlorn and alienated. Sometimes a student may hear a stereotype that makes him afraid of others from a different culture, we can eliminate this problem if we would just teach people that these stereotypes are untrue and made up." " Raising the awareness may also decrease the racism that students have towards each other. If we learn about the other races the students will understand each other better and figure out that everyone is a human being that has feelings.")

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The thesis statement indicates the writer will discuss awareness of "different cultures and races." Indeed, the writer discusses raising awareness about the problems caused by stereotypes and racism. ("Unfortunately we do not have this type of understanding in the classroom which is why you should create a way to raise the awareness of different cultures and races.")

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for increased cultural awareness. The writer argues for understanding greetings in different cultures, fighting stereotyping, and decreasing racism. Woven into the arguments for these efforts is an increased awareness of how cultures differ. ("Different gestures mean different things in different cultures, so by doing this you will be preventing someone accidentally doing something that would be considered offensive by other students. There are certain things that people say in different cultures, for example aloha in Hawaii means both hello and goodbye, but some children may not understand this concept and not understand what that student is saying towards him.")

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. The writer includes sufficient supporting details for the main ideas; however, more factual and substantial support would improve the essay. ("When we raise the awareness we can take away and hopefully make any stereotypes forlorn and alienated. Sometimes a student may hear a stereotype that makes him afraid of others from a different culture, we can eliminate this problem if we would just teach people that these stereotypes are untrue and made up. We may also be caught unaware that others have stereotyped us which may make us look bad or even harmful to them. By teaching others that these stereotypes are not legitimate we can make it so that students won't judge one another at first glance. The stereotypes are bad and potentially dangerous to some students so we must abolish them.")

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. Readers are invited to imagine students with a level of cultural understanding that enables them to understand each other. ("Imagine a classroom where everyone could get along because everybody understood each other and their cultural backgrounds. Unfortunately we do not have this type of understanding in the classroom which is why you should create a way to raise the awareness of different cultures and races.")

Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. Transitions are subtle and effective. ("By doing this you will prevent …." " Raising the awareness may also….")

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. The writer speaks directly to the principal to whom this response was to be addressed. The conclusion would be strengthened with the inclusion of a summary of the main points of the essay. ("Doctor Hanson, it is your responsibility to raise the cultural awareness in our classrooms and rid the school of all misunderstandings, stereotypes, and racists.")

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer uses compound sentences that begin with sufficiently varied phrases and clauses to maintain the readers' attention. ("If we learn about the other races the students will understand each other better and figure out that everyone is a human being that has feelings. Sometimes there will be a fight arisen because someone will make a rude remark to another's race that will bring them to defend their pride in violence. We will learn about other races and that would teach us that we're not so different after all.")

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer uses audience-appropriate language. ("We may also be caught unaware that others have stereotyped us which may make us look bad or even harmful to them. By teaching others that these stereotypes are not legitimate we can make it so that students won't judge one another at first glance.")

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. The examples and language used fit the voice of a middle-school student. ("There are certain things that people say in different cultures, for example aloha in Hawaii means both hello and goodbye, but some children may not understand this concept and not understand what that student is saying towards him. Sometimes students from other backgrounds do stuff that we may consider odd, by raising awareness we can make these things not seem so weird to us.")

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. ("Sometimes students from other backgrounds do stuff that we may consider odd, by raising awareness we can make these things not seem so weird to us. ")

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Does anyone you know ever get bullied because of their background? Lots of kids, and even some adults, criticize others because of where they grew up or where they're parents are from. That is not right and cultural awareness should be enforced in schools. Everybody's culture is different in many ways, but that is what makes them unique and special. Each culture around the world should be appreciated.

One of the reasons why I believe cultural awareness should be in school is because children are being made fun of. I have witnessed many other students get called names because of their cultures and the way they do things. Cultural awareness could change that. It can show kids what benefits each culture has and why they aren't so different. Then those who have been made fun of can feel appreciated and good about themselves.

Another reason why schools need cultural awareness is because students seem to be afraid of different things. Since everyone has their own culture, they think that when someone else does things differently it's strange. They fear the things that are different. Teaching students that there really isn't anything to be afraid of, there will be peace between everyone. No one will get bullied anymore because everyone will understand them.

In conclusion, cultural awarness will be a true benefits to schools. It will teach students that everyone is different, but that there is nothing to fear. Kids being made fun of won't have anything to worry about anymore because others will understand them. All the cultures will be appreciated and tere won't be any problems.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of the value of increased cultural awareness but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The prompt task requires writers to present their " opinion on whether increased cultural awareness will lead to a more peaceful society." The thesis statement makes evident the writer's limited understanding of the prompt task. ("Everybody's culture is different in many ways, but that is what makes them unique and special. Each culture around the world should be appreciated.")

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. The writer's opinion revolves around preventing students from being made fun of and decreasing the fear that arises when "someone else does things differently." There is one mention of "peace between everyone." Overall, there are few details to support the writer's opinion. ("Another reason why schools need cultural awareness is because students seem to be afraid of different things. Since everyone has their own culture, they think that when someone else does things differently it's strange. They fear the things that are different. Teaching students that there really isn't anything to be afraid of, there will be peace between everyone. No one will get bullied anymore because everyone will understand them. ")

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer’s point of view. The writer explains more than he/she persuades. ("Teaching students that there really isn't anything to be afraid of, there will be peace between everyone. No one will get bullied anymore because everyone will understand them.")

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against increased cultural awareness. The writer attempts to address the readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments but does not integrate them into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. Since the writer does not directly address the issue of how cultural awareness will be increased in schools, there is no opportunity for him/her to present the opposing viewpoint. It would seem that promoting bullying and fear might be an opposing viewpoint to address in this essay. ("One of the reasons why I believe cultural awareness should be in school is because children are being made fun of. I have witnessed many other students get called names because of their cultures and the way they do things. Cultural awareness could change that. It can show kids what benefits each culture has and why they aren't so different. Then those who have been made fun of can feel appreciated and good about themselves.")

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for preventing bullying and making fun of others, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. ("Another reason why schools need cultural awareness is because students seem to be afraid of different things. Since everyone has their own culture, they think that when someone else does things differently it's strange. They fear the things that are different. Teaching students that there really isn't anything to be afraid of, there will be peace between everyone. No one will get bullied anymore because everyone will understand them.")

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates the use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question. In this case, the writer's hook has narrowed the focus of the essay to bullying. ("Does anyone you know ever get bullied because of their background?")

Transitions are not included between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. The transitions used between paragraphs are not very sophisticated and could be improved. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions. (" One of the reasons . . . ." "Another reason. . . ." "In conclusion. . . .")

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. ("In conclusion, cultural awarness will be a true benefits to schools. It will teach students that everyone is different, but that there is nothing to fear. Kids being made fun of won't have anything to worry about anymore because others will understand them. All the cultures will be appreciated and tere won't be any problems.")

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Phrases such as "you must," "you should," "you need to," "right now," and "don’t wait" are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. The writer explains more than persuades. ("One of the reasons why I believe cultural awareness should be in school is because children are being made fun of. I have witnessed many other students get called names because of their cultures and the way they do things. Cultural awareness could change that. It can show kids what benefits each culture has and why they aren't so different. Then those who have been made fun of can feel appreciated and good about themselves. ")

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. For example, the writer repeats "different" in the second body paragraph, but there is no expansion of that concept to present readers with the differences that might cause fear in students. ("Another reason why schools need cultural awareness is because students seem to be afraid of different things. Since everyone has their own culture, they think that when someone else does things differently it's strange. They fear the things that are different. Teaching students that there really isn't anything to be afraid of, there will be peace between everyone. No one will get bullied anymore because everyone will understand them. ")

Sentences are simple, repetitive, and not of sufficient variety. ("One of the reasons why I believe cultural awareness should be in school is because children are being made fun of. I have witnessed many other students get called names because of their cultures and the way they do things. Cultural awareness could change that. It can show kids what benefits each culture has and why they aren't so different. Then those who have been made fun of can feel appreciated and good about themselves.")

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. ("In conclusion, cultural awarness will be a true benefits to schools. It will teach students that everyone is different, but that there is nothing to fear. Kids being made fun of won't have anything to worry about anymore because others will understand them. All the cultures will be appreciated and tere won't be any problems.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Value of Increased Cultural Awareness

Dear Principal,

I think that if we start talking a little more about Cultural Awareness in our school we might have a more peaceful school and mostly everyone could get along. I also think that we could all understand each other better. So I do think that cultural awareness should be increased not just to for our school to be safe but also for our community and world to be safe. And this could happen if a lot of the schools start doing this.

Then also parents should teach their kids about their own culture because then they would star to forget about their traditions and parents might not want them to forget about their traditions, so that is why I think that parents should talk to their children about their families culture. The parents and educators should also teach children to not make fun of another persons culture or race because that would be very mean. And some people could be very violent towards another person when they insult their race.

So that is why I am talking about this so our society could be more peaceful and better with less violence.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. In the first paragraph, the writer includes a thesis statement about increased awareness and school and community safety, but he/she does not mention a "more peaceful society." (" So I do think that cultural awareness should be increased not just to for our school to be safe but also for our community and world to be safe. ")

The essay demonstrates the writer's minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. The writer uses the phrase "I think" repeatedly, without an attempt to persuade the readers. ("I think that if we start talking a little more about Cultural Awareness in our school we might have a more peaceful school and mostly everyone could get along. I also think that we could all understand each other better. So I do think that cultural awareness should be increased not just to for our school to be safe but also for our community and world to be safe.")

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. Although the writer alludes to a more peaceful school and community environment in the introductory paragraph, the body paragraph discusses the effect of parents teaching their children about their own culture. There is little support for increased cultural awareness leading to a more peaceful society. ("Then also parents should teach their kids about their own culture because then they would star to forget about their traditions and parents might not want them to forget about their traditions, so that is why I think that parents should talk to their children about their families culture. The parents and educators should also teach children to not make fun of another persons culture or race because that would be very mean. And some people could be very violent towards another person when they insult their race.")

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on the value of increased cultural awareness. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. The thesis statement in the first paragraph indicates that the essay will focus on safer schools and communities with increased cultural awareness in schools. However, the body paragraph discusses the importance of parents teaching their children about their own culture, and readers do not learn more about increased cultural awareness in schools. ("Then also parents should teach their kids about their own culture because then they would star to forget about their traditions and parents might not want them to forget about their traditions, so that is why I think that parents should talk to their children about their families culture. The parents and educators should also teach children to not make fun of another persons culture or race because that would be very mean. And some people could be very violent towards another person when they insult their race.")

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. The one body paragraph could be separated into three paragraphs with additional information on teaching children not to make fun of others and their race or culture, and information on violence surrounding issues of race. ("Then also parents should teach their kids about their own culture because then they would star to forget about their traditions and parents might not want them to forget about their traditions, so that is why I think that parents should talk to their children about their families culture. The parents and educators should also teach children to not make fun of another persons culture or race because that would be very mean. And some people could be very violent towards another person when they insult their race.")

There are minimal details to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of what schools can do to increase cultural awareness. The writer alludes to increasing cultural awareness in schools in the first paragraph, but there are no follow-up details about that topic. (" So I do think that cultural awareness should be increased not just to for our school to be safe but also for our community and world to be safe. And this could happen if a lot of the schools start doing this. ")

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay response that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay, with very little support for main or side topics presented. ("Then also parents should teach their kids about their own culture because then they would star to forget about their traditions and parents might not want them to forget about their traditions, so that is why I think that parents should talk to their children about their families culture. The parents and educators should also teach children to not make fun of another persons culture or race because that would be very mean. And some people could be very violent towards another person when they insult their race.")

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. The writer does not establish a thesis statement that is focused on the prompt task, and he/she does not provide sufficient background information. ("I think that if we start talking a little more about Cultural Awareness in our school we might have a more peaceful school and mostly everyone could get along. I also think that we could all understand each other better. So I do think that cultural awareness should be increased not just to for our school to be safe but also for our community and world to be safe. And this could happen if a lot of the schools start doing this.")

The essay does not contain supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included within paragraphs or between sentences. There is only one body/supporting paragraph, and it does not support the writer's stance on the value of increased cultural awareness for a peaceful society. ("Then also parents should teach their kids about their own culture because then they would star to forget about their traditions and parents might not want them to forget about their traditions, so that is why I think that parents should talk to their children about their families culture. The parents and educators should also teach children to not make fun of another persons culture or race because that would be very mean. And some people could be very violent towards another person when they insult their race.")

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. The concluding paragraph is one brief sentence that makes no attempt to summarize or inspire readers to action. ("So that is why I am talking about this so our society could be more peaceful and better with less violence.")

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as "you must," "you should," "you need to," "right now," and "don’t wait" are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. The writer presents his/her position, which is obvious due to his/her use of the phrase "I think" throughout the essay. However, there is very little, if any, persuasive language. ("I think that if we start talking a little more about Cultural Awareness in our school we might have a more peaceful school and mostly everyone could get along. I also think that we could all understand each other better. So I do think that cultural awareness should be increased not just to for our school to be safe but also for our community and world to be safe. And this could happen if a lot of the schools start doing this. ")

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. One sentence in particular contains too many thoughts and should be revised. ("Then also parents should teach their kids about their own culture because then they would star to forget about their traditions and parents might not want them to forget about their traditions, so that is why I think that parents should talk to their children about their families culture. ")

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of the value of increased cultural awareness. The writer does not use sufficient descriptive language and details for readers to understand the reasoning for the writer's argument. ("The parents and educators should also teach children to not make fun of another persons culture or race because that would be very mean.")

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. The writer commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. ("Then also parents should teach their kids about their own culture because then they would star to forget about their traditions and parents might not want them to forget about their traditions, so that is why I think that parents should talk to their children about their families culture.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.

But, it's a 50-50 chance that it will reduse violence. Then again, it might be the other way around.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer merely focuses on how learning about different cultures will help students understand each other better. The last paragraph of the essay undermines the writer's first statement that learning about different cultures would be a "good idea." ("But, it's a 50-50 chance that it will reduse violence. Then again, it might be the other way around.")

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. The writer uses words like "kids" and "stuff," which are informal and inappropriate. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.")

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and the essay's intended audience are not clearly identified. The writer does not mention a more peaceful society, and the informal language is not appropriate for a letter written to a principal. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.")

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. There is l ittle or no attempt made to use details that support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of increased cultural awareness. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. In fact, at the end of the essay, readers are not even sure of the writer's opinion. ("But, it's a 50-50 chance that it will reduse violence. Then again, it might be the other way around. ")

Since the two-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs in the essay. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it. ") Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. The writer's opinion that "learning about different cultures is a good idea" is supported by his/her contention that a new friend "can understand and get along." There are no details that support or expand on that statement.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how learning about different cultures will help students to get along. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it. ")

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The writer manages to present a confusing opinion with no background information or clear indication of the purpose of the essay. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.")

The writer of the essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. There is no body paragraph in the essay. The writer ends the response with two sentences that seem more like a conclusion than like additional supporting detail. ("But, it's a 50-50 chance that it will reduse violence. Then again, it might be the other way around.")

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay, which is not unexpected since there are so few ideas presented. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.")

Supporting paragraphs containing three or more details to support the opinion/position/thesis statement of the essay are needed. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. The writer needs to give examples of how a student could get confused by not knowing the culture of a new friend. The writer then needs to present additional support for his/her opinion besides the effect that knowing a new culture can have on making new friends. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.

But, it's a 50-50 chance that it will reduse violence. Then again, it might be the other way around.")

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. In fact, readers are confused about the writer's opinion after reading the last/concluding paragraph of the essay. ("But, it's a 50-50 chance that it will reduse violence. Then again, it might be the other way around.")

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it. ") Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The first sentence is long and rambling, and the concluding sentences are short and confusing. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.

But, it's a 50-50 chance that it will reduse violence. Then again, it might be the other way around. ")

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view, which leaves the argument insufficient at best. There is no mention at all of an opposing viewpoint. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.

But, it's a 50-50 chance that it will reduse violence. Then again, it might be the other way around.")

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to present a balanced argument on the issue of increased cultural awareness, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. The language used to convey the writer's opinion is confusing, leaving readers with a minimal understanding of the writer's opinion. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. ("My thoughts about schools learning about different cultures is a good idea. I think that kids need to learn this stuff, so that if they ever make a friend from a different culture than thier own, they can understand and get along rather than getting confused and fighting because they don't understand and they normaly don't want anything to do with it.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Video Games for Physical Education Class

Video games are part of today's youth culture and are a favorite form of recreation and entertainment. Adults worry that children do not get enough exercise because they choose to spend their time indoors playing video games instead of riding bikes, skateboarding, or playing other outdoor games. Some video game companies have developed software that encourages exercise in the form of sports and dance. Is there a place for these games in a middle-school physical education program? How might student motivation and participation, meeting physical education standards, and cost of the programs be advantages or disadvantages of their use?

In a multi-paragraph editorial, defend your position on the use of video games as part of middle-school physical education programs. Include facts and details to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Children across the nation are playing video games as a form of entertainment. These games have various genres and types. There are educational ones and purely action ones. I strongly believe that schools should have video games for their Physical Education Classes. Of course, some games are not appropriate for school. The ones that I recommend are exercise games like Wii Sports, Wii Fit, and Dance, Dance Revolution.

Games like Wii Fit, Wii Sport, and Dance, Dance Revolution are great for P.E. use. Students would be dashing to Physical Education classes if they are able to play this in class. Also, it helps teachers complete the Eighth Grade Standards 4 and 5. These games also help counter the problem of obesity that is spreading in the United States . If these games were allowed, the atmosphere in class would not be dull and boring, but happy and enthusiastic. Students can start to love sports and games that they once hated. Wii Sports and Wii Fit strongly encourage kids to play these games. Teamwork and cooperation would be shown as students play in groups. Sportsmanship and congratulations would be shown to the winning team. The multi-purpose room or gym can have these games and game consoles. Computer buildings can be built for these games too! These exercise games are perfect for physical educators to use.

Scientists and human psychology researchers have studied these games. They have concluded that they have many advantages. Hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills would be improved on. Students would have better reactions and reflexes. Plus, when someone is playing something they like, they will obviously have fun. They will also concentrate ad focus better. Is it not an instructor's dream to have students love that they did something that is good for them? Also, for games that increase their hardness by levels, they can challenge the students. Sooner or later, these kids will love to face obstacles and overcome them. In addition, students can get a better perception or insight in sports. These games will be a bridge to more confidence and self- esteem. After all, they will eventually win after the hard work and passion for games. This is like tricking students into loving exercise.

In West Virginia , Dance, Dance Revolution is installed in almost all of its public middle schools. West Virginia has also vowed to install these consoles and games in every school. Due to a pilot system, everyone in that state agrees that video games should be used in Physical Education. Kids are more energetic when playing games. Even as sweat flows down their faces, they will still want to play and exercise. Also, students have to dance complex moves. This allows them to lose a lot of calories. Plus, these games are not as expensive as people think they are! For every Dance, Dance Revolution set, they only have to spend less than 500 dollars. This includes the television, game console, and robust mats for everyone. Small companies like Expresso Fitness donates some of these equipments too! This is a fine price to pay if it allows students to be fit and have fun.

Some may say that video games are bad for you. Although this activity may be indoors, it proves to give students lots of work and exercise. The main games that I recommend to physical instructors are Wii Fit, Wii Sports, and Dance, Dance Revolution. If you give these games a try, I am sure that you will love the outcome. Also, these games will not make people dumber like many say. They give students imagination and love for sports. If students stand a fair enough distance for the screen, I am sure that they would not get bad eyesight. Without a doubt, these games will show a positive outcome.

Wii Sports, Wii Fit, and Dance, Dance Revolution should be allowed in Physical Education Classes. They are good for the students. Additionally, physical educators will do so much better with these games. They complete some of the eighth grade standards and provide good exercise. The enthusiasm for class will rocket sky-high! Active video games are great for school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade the readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The introduction is not especially creative, but it does provide sufficient background information about the topic to help draw readers into the discussion. The writer makes an opinionated statement. All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level will rarely, if ever, provide irrelevant information. (“I strongly believe that schools should have video games for their Physical Education Classes. Of course, some games are not appropriate for school. The ones that I recommend are exercise games like Wii Sports, Wii Fit, and Dance, Dance Revolution.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Essays at this level do not require counterarguments to be addressed, but better essays tend to do so by addressing concerns as they go, or devoting a whole paragraph to possible objections. In this case, the writer devotes the final body paragraph to assuring readers that video games can be healthy. Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. Details are clear, correct, and specific. The writer’s conclusion is effective and leaves readers with something to think about or may offer a call for action. (“They complete some of the eighth grade standards and provide good exercise. The enthusiasm for class will rocket sky-high! Active video games are great for school.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. The essay’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. The essay uses subtle transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. Reasons are presented in a logical order. Essays at this level usually have many supporting details that help augment each paragraph’s main idea. (“Also, students have to dance complex moves. This allows them to lose a lot of calories. Plus, these games are not as expensive as people think they are!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The compound, complex, compound-complex sentences are used effectively. Essays at this level rarely, if ever, have major mistakes in language use. Mistakes present are minimal and do not impede meaning. (“Scientists and human psychology researchers have studied these games. They have concluded that they have many advantages. Hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills would be improved on.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Occasionally, essays at this level for middle school will include a few mistakes in mechanics or conventions, but they are few and do not impede meaning. (“Small companies like Expresso Fitness donates some of these equipments too! This is a fine price to pay if it allows students to be fit and have fun.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why would schools put video games in their PE curriculum? That would give kids even less exercise and might even motivate them to play more video games. Schools should stick with their current PE curriculum because it actually gives kids some exercise.

Fitness video games barely burns calories and many parents will get angry at the school for allowing schools to play vide games. Playing Wii Tennis for an hour will probably give you as much exercise as a ten minute jog. If damage your eyes, how are you going to exercise? Also, many fitness games like Wii bowling only helps exercise your arm. You never hear about someone getting fit by just swinging their arm. Kids don't even move around in Wii sports. All they do is sit, or stand, and move their arms a little. Once schools introduce video games to the students, the students will probably make their parents buy them a Wii. Parents won't like this at all because then their kids will be playing the Wii all day. It's going to bad for their eyes and they won't get enough fresh air. If kids damage their eyes, how are they going to exercise?

Some people might say kids don't like to exercise outdoors because it is boring. There are many ways to make outdoors exercising not boring. Kids can run with a friend, or listen to music while they jog. Also they can buy a treadmill and just run indoors. Others might say that Wii games help you get used to the sport and makes you better at it. Wii Sports does not make you better at the sport. Furthermore, it doesn't even have all of the different sports you might want to play. It doesn't have football or swimming, two very popular options. What happens when kids who played Wii sports all their lives go into high school and are required to do the swim exam? They are going to fail because they've been playing video games all their lives and don’t have any real world experience. You can’t expect video games to be a substitute for real life experience.

Finally, buying the video games and the console to play it with is going to be expensive. Wii's cost around two-hundred dollars and the video games cost around forty dollars. Instead of wasting two-hundred and forty dollars on a Wii, schools should use that money to buy new fitness things, such as a treadmill. Treadmills are a really good way to exercise. Kids can run while listening to music, reading a book, or talking on the phone. There are many more useful things schools can use their money on instead of a Wii.

In conclusion, getting fit through video games is a terrible mistake that the people of this country cannot afford to make. Parents won't like it and kids will only get less exercise than they already do. If kids exercise outdoors for ten minutes, they will probably get more exercise then playing Wii sports for an hour. Wii Sports doesn't get you ready for the swim exam either and the console cost a lot too. That is why you shouldn't use video games for PE. Many kids hate the usual PE curriculum, but at least it gives them enough exercise.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention by posing a question and attempting to offer a response. All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. There is no use of slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level rarely, if ever, provide irrelevant information or arguments, but they may occasionally offer information that is only tangentially related to the topic. (“They are going to fail because they've been playing video games all their lives and don’t have any real world experience. You can’t expect video games to be a substitute for real life experience.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by directly offering a counterargument to respond to those who might disagree with the thesis. The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. The writer’s details are convincing. Ideally, the essay would provide more information in the introduction that helps set up the argument, but this essay has additional details in the body paragraphs that help augment the essay. (“There are many ways to make outdoors exercising not boring. Kids can run with a friend, or listen to music while they jog. Also they can buy a treadmill and just run indoors.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and use of transitional devices. The writer’s introduction is sufficiently creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The introduction gives some background information to help readers understand the issue. The essay states the thesis at the end of the introduction. The essay uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“Wii Sports doesn't get you ready for the swim exam either and the console cost a lot too. That is why you shouldn't use video games for PE. Many kids hate the usual PE curriculum, but at least it gives them enough exercise.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. The language and tone are consistent. Essays at this level will rarely be insulting or demeaning to the audience or perceived opponents. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“All they do is sit, or stand, and move their arms a little. Once schools introduce video games to the students, the students will probably make their parents buy them a Wii. Parents won't like this at all because then their kids will be playing the Wii all day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level never have serious problems with mechanics and conventions, although occasionally there may be some mistakes. Errors that are present do not impede meaning. (“ It's going to bad for their eyes and they won't get enough fresh air. If kids damage their eyes, how are they going to exercise?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people believe that if we add video games such as Dance Dance Revolution to the PE curriculum the students will not get the exercise they need in everyday life. It would be very fun if we have DDR/ Wii as a PE curriculum because many students love to play on game systems so why not make it fun to exercise. Why not make exercising more fun and teen friendly. This is why we should use video games in gym class.

Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii is not that expensive. If you buy the Dance Dance revolution bundle from amazon.com it would cost $47.54. The bundle includes Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 3 (game only), dance pad, Wii remote and numchuck, and it also comes with a Wii balance board. Since we already have the Wii and it is only used on Thursdays why not that advantage of it and use it for thing other than just lunch free time.

It is proven that many teen age boys and girls likes to stay indoors as much as possible. Not many PE teachers take their students inside to exercise. I say, “why not?” We should be able to make it fun and exercise. There are many things we can do inside that we can not outside such as we could use a tape and learn yoga and dancing. Although many people do not like to play Dance Dance Revolution, well during PE we do not always like to do what we are planed to do. We would only have to do it about 1 or 2 times a week .

Although many people oppose this idea some of them are right. Not everyone would have a chance to play on the Wii, but we could also have something else open while we wait so we could get the exercise we need and get to choose what we want to do.

Dance Dance Revolution is a really fun game to play and it is very cheep compared to them separated and bought which would be more than $100. We already have the Wii why not use it instead of only using it from one hour a week. Why not make exercising fun and make more teen friendly to exercise? Video games would be a great addition to our school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers. It also demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience completes many parts of the task. Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The introduction assumes readers understand the topic and does not provide a large amount of background information, but it does state a thesis, which adequately states the writer’s opinion about the issue. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level may occasionally provide information that is only tangentially related to the topic, but most of the information is relevant. Additional facts do not impede the writer’s message. (“It would be very fun if we have DDR/ Wii as a PE curriculum because many students love to play on game systems so why not make it fun to exercise. Why not make exercising more fun and teen friendly. This is why we should use video games in gym class.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Most of the writer’s details are convincing. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea, although the final body paragraph is somewhat lacking in detail. Additional details provided in the rest of the essay make up for these deficiencies. (“Since we already have the Wii and it is only used on Thursdays why not that advantage of it and use it for thing other than just lunch free time.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The essay includes some transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. Almost all essays at this level have paragraph breaks to help visually separate ideas. The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. (“Why not make exercising fun and make more teen friendly to exercise? Video games would be a great addition to our school.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Word choice is sometimes poor or awkward, but it rarely, if ever, impedes meaning. The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“The bundle includes Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 3 (game only), dance pad, Wii remote and numchuck, and it also comes with a Wii balance board. Since we already have the Wii and it is only used on Thursdays why not that advantage of it and use it for thing other than just lunch free time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level may have some minor spelling errors, but this does not impede meaning. (“ The bundle includes Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 3 (game only), dance pad, Wii remote and numchuck, and it also comes with a Wii balance board. Since we already have the Wii and it is only used on Thursdays why not that advantage of it and use it for thing other than just lunch free time.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Video games would be an interesting idea for the school to have. It may or may not work out. Take your time and listen to what I have to say about it.

I believe we should have Video games for P.E. I believe this because it would be very fun and students would acctually have fun doing P.E. even though people might be against this they have to look at the brighter side of it. There are many games where you can exercise. For example the Wii Fit games. The Wii has many games for exercise. There is yoga, tibo, running games, and students will also have fun doing exercise. We already have a Wii, why cant we just buy some more games? Having video games for exersice will be much more funner than doing things on the field, and it would get student more interested and excited for Physical Education. Isnt that what the school wants?

Buying games and buying all thoes mats for the games might be alot of money but we can raise money if we put in the effort. We can raise money by having fundraisers and and stuff like that. I really dont think that a couple of Play stations will take up a lot of electricity. Maybe some might not be able to get to play but we can make time. We can have multi players probably 2 or 3 people each turn. But we can make it happen. If a student breakes it it would be his/her responsibility to replace what ever item. teachers should only touch the game station. P.E periods could take turns with the game station. It would really encourage students to exercise while they have fun.

Thank you for taking you time and reading what I had to say.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position/thesis statement that may be unclear or underdeveloped, demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes only some parts of the task. The essay does not explicitly state the thesis until the first body paragraph. There is a clear position on the issue, but the arguments the writer is attempting to make aren’t always clear. There is a limited awareness of audience exhibited by slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level may offer irrelevant information. (“Video games would be an interesting idea for the school to have. It may or may not work out. Take your time and listen to what I have to say about it.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, but does so indirectly by anticipating what critics might try to argue. The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the writer’s opinion. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, or short stories that explain or illustrate his or her opinion. Each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. Some of the arguments presented are convincing, but the writer’s lack of supporting evidence hurts the overall argument. (“Buying games and buying all thoes mats for the games might be alot of money but we can raise money if we put in the effort. We can raise money by having fundraisers and and stuff like that.”)

Organization

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Sentences lack well-developed structure, are too long and have too many ideas, and some sentences are too short. There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. Essays at this level begin to have significant problems with language usage. Phrases are at least occasionally awkward and may impede meaning. (“We can raise money by having fundraisers and and stuff like that.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his or her writing. (“Buying games and buying all thoes mats for the games might be alot of money but we can raise money if we put in the effort.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hello I am writing this to you to tell how video games should NOT be part of the school curriculum.

Many of you know the cost of video game consoles no gaming console is ever cheap, and cost will become a BIG problem in school activities. Considring the quantity f the Wii's needed, the school would have to pull out large quantities of mney t buy them. The video games would also be subject to thieving and mainteance problems, and I doubt the schools' faculty members would be patient enough for that. First Avenue Middle School might not be mature enough to withstand the ardship of haing a video game in their school.

Although Video Games might be a more interesting past-time than actually going outside, they might not be as exiting for the schools' staff members. Plase take this into your consieration. I hope that school might be free of video gams, and that my esay has heped the idea sta out.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. The essay has a very brief introduction that does state an opinion about the issue, but not all essays at this level will provide an obvious thesis. The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. In the introduction, the position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way.

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Important details (specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Considring the quantity f the Wii's needed, the school would have to pull out large quantities of mney t buy them.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by not posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. The conclusion minimally attempts to give readers something to think about or states a call to action. (“Plase take this into your consieration.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Essays at this level begin to have very serious problems with language use and style that can impede meaning. Language usage in this particular essay is not especially poor, but there are some poorly constructed sentences that do impede meaning. Most of the problems in this essay relate to mechanics and conventions. (“ I hope that school might be free of video gams, and that my esay has heped the idea sta out.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his or her writing. Essays at this level begin to have serious problems with mechanics and conventions. This essay in particular has especially poor usage that often impedes meaning. (“I hope that school might be free of video gams, and that my esay has heped the idea sta out.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Adults worry that children do not get enough exercise because they choose to spend their time indoors playing video game instead of riding bikes, skateboading, or playing other outdoor games.

Would you rathir use money to buy Wii Fit or run a mile trying to get a workout with the heat pounding against your sensative skin? With the heat pounding on your skin or use the wii fit indoors with the air blowing against your skin.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. The essay is only somewhat related to the prompt. It addresses some of the questions that are posed by the prompt, but it does not offer an opinion or thesis. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not use appropriate language. The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level may or may not have a thesis statement, but in order to receive a score, it must be somewhat on topic.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. There are either no main ideas in the body paragraphs or there are no body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. In this case, the writer poses questions that might be addressed if the essay were longer, but no answers are provided. (“With the heat pounding on your skin or use the wii fit indoors with the air blowing against your skin.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction, body, or conclusion. There are no transitions. Many essays at this level do not use paragraphing to separate ideas. The thesis statement cannot be found at the end of the introduction. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction because it does not pose a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. Essays at this level either have an ineffective conclusion or no conclusion at all, which is the case here.

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The essay is confusing and repetitious. (“Would you rathir use money to buy Wii Fit or run a mile trying to get a workout with the heat pounding against your sensative skin? With the heat pounding on your skin or use the wii fit indoors with the air blowing against your skin.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his or her writing. Essays at this level often have so many errors in mechanics and conventions that it is difficult to discern what the writer is trying to communicate. Occasionally, however, an essay will be completely comprehensible and the essay will simply receive this score due to lack of content. In this case, the essay has some spelling errors, but it only moderately impedes meaning.

Violence on Television

Some people believe that seeing violence on television can cause someone to commit a violent act. Do you feel that violent television programming contributes to violence in society? Write an essay persuading these people to accept your opinion on whether or not violence on television leads to violence in our society.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In my opinion, I agree that television programs contribute to the violence in our society. Often, I have heard children use the excuse, "But I saw it on TV!" In television programs, children see their favorite characters and people who they look up to hurting other people or characters in the program. Since the children admire the character, they want to be just like them and do what they do. And that mentality stays with the child as he/she grows older. Not surprisingly, a steady diet of violent TV programs contributes to school shootings and other violent behaviors.

Of course, children don't go to school on their first day of kindergarten and shoot a classmate for stealing their crayons, because this is a gradual learning process. But first it will start out as hitting. Yes, little kids do hit because they are experimenting to see how far they can push their parents before they get yelled at. Constant and continuous hitting is inexcusable, especially when it is not addressed. Next is kicking or punching. Now, when the child gets to junior high and high school, it's not just hitting on the shoulder, but a fight in the hallway between classes or fights that have been announced ahead of time that people come and see and sometimes even pay money to see. That is wrong. And it all happened from watching violent television programs making violence look like an acceptable solution to problems.

Not only does this violence affect children, it affects teenagers too. They see the music videos. They watch the television programs, too. Television programs have ratings now, also, like PG-13 for children 13 and older. And if not all television programs have them, they should. It allows parents to screen what their children are watching and it allows children to know if the material they are about to see is appropriate for them. Sometimes, children are "channel surfing" and turn on a program that "looks good" but is actually inappropriate. In that case, he/she should change the channel. With all the premium channels, boxes, etc. that are out and around now, the channels that should not be watched by children should have some kind of adult code or password on them so that children cannot access them.

Now, parents are responsible for their children and their actions and for also raising them with good morals, behavior, etc. Unfortunately, children often do not listen. If parents see that occurring, then they should use more authority and do something about the problem. That is where the parent can be blamed. A reason children may have access to these television programs is because 1) they are in a different room from the parent and/or have their own television in their room or 2) the parent is not home, whether he/she is out or working. Under those circumstances, exposure to violence is ignored, but it should not be excused.

People say that TV shows have always contained violence. In the days of early TV, there were cartoons like the Road Runner with the Coyote trying every which way to kill him. The Three Stooges were famous for poking eyes and being physically abusive and cruel. Our parents and grandparents saw them, but they didn’t necessarily imitate them. It may be from not watching those programs as much as we watch television today. It may just be the way children were raised then, and how they are raised now.

Violence in our society cannot be blamed solely on television programs. It can be blamed on many different aspects of the way we live today. But television programs are a major source of questionable behavior that should be taken more seriously and researched. In writing this essay I have actually been forced to think about this issue and have realized that it is an important one that should be thought about by everyone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. The essay begins by describing how children respond aggressively to parents and friends after watching television. The writer then states explicitly that television viewing and violent behavior are directly related. (“Often, I have heard children use the excuse, ‘But I saw it on TV!’ In television programs, children see their favorite characters and people who they look up to hurting other people or characters in the program. Since the children admire the character, they want to be just like them and do what they do. And that mentality stays with the child as he/she grows older. Not surprisingly, a steady diet of violent TV programs contributes to school shootings and other violent behaviors.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Unfortunately, children often do not listen. If parents see that occurring, then they should use more authority and do something about the problem. That is where the parent can be blamed. A reason children may have access to these television programs is because 1] they are in a different room from the parent and/or have their own television in their room or 2] the parent is not home, whether he/she is out or working. Under those circumstances, exposure to violence is ignored, but it should not be excused.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that violence on television promotes violence in society. The essay illustrates how learning takes place over time and behaviors become “acceptable.” (“Constant and continuous hitting is inexcusable, especially when it is not addressed. Next is kicking or punching. Now, when the child gets to junior high and high school, it's not just hitting on the shoulder, but a fight in the hallway between classes or fights that have been announced ahead of time that people come and see and sometimes even pay money to see. That is wrong. And it all happened from watching violent television programs making violence look like an acceptable solution to problems.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of the impact of television violence . The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. He/she acknowledges the fact that violence on television did not have the same impact on previous generations and points to increased viewing time as an explanation for children’s behavior today. (“People say that TV shows have always contained violence. In the days of early TV, there were cartoons like the Road Runner with the Coyote trying every which way to kill him. The Three Stooges were famous for poking eyes and being physically abusive and cruel. Our parents and grandparents saw them, but they didn’t necessarily imitate them. It may be from not watching those programs as much as we watch television today. It may just be the way children were raised then, and how they are raised now.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. He/she implies having personal experience with finding appropriate programs to watch. (“Sometimes, children are ‘channel surfing’ and turn on a program that ‘looks good’ but is actually inappropriate. In that case, he/she should change the channel. With all the premium channels, boxes, etc. that are out and around now, the channels that should not be watched by children should have some kind of adult code or password on them so that children cannot access them.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. The writer believes that parents should be responsible for what children are watching on television. (“Now, parents are responsible for their children and their actions and for also raising them with good morals, behavior, etc. Unfortunately, children often do not listen. If parents see that occurring, then they should use more authority and do something about the problem. That is where the parent can be blamed. A reason children may have access to these television programs is because 1] they are in a different room from the parent and/or have their own television in their room or 2] the parent is not home, whether he/she is out or working. Under those circumstances, exposure to violence is ignored, but it should not be excused.”) The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The writer’s introduction uses a direct quotation to grab readers’ attention. He/she then sets the scene for his/her argument. (“In my opinion, I agree that television programs contribute to the violence in our society. Often, I have heard children use the excuse, ‘But I saw it on TV!’ In television programs, children see their favorite characters and people who they look up to hurting other people or characters in the program. Since the children admire the character, they want to be just like them and do what they do. And that mentality stays with the child as he/she grows older. Not surprisingly, a steady diet of violent TV programs contributes to school shootings and other violent behaviors.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “of course,” “not only,” and “now” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Not only does this violence affect children, it affects teenagers too. They see the music videos. They watch the television programs, too. Television programs have ratings now, also, like PG-13 for children 13 and older. And if not all television programs have them, they should.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. He/she stresses the importance of the issue. (“Violence in our society cannot be blamed solely on television programs. It can be blamed on many different aspects of the way we live today. But television programs are a major source of questionable behavior that should be taken more seriously and researched. In writing this essay I have actually been forced to think about this issue and have realized that it is an important one that should be thought about by everyone.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Since the children admire the character, they want to be just like them and do what they do. And that mentality stays with the child as he/she grows older. Not surprisingly, a steady diet of violent TV programs contributes to school shootings and other violent behaviors.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions to create complex structures. (“Of course, children don't go to school on their first day of kindergarten and shoot a classmate for stealing their crayons, because this is a gradual learning process. But first it will start out as hitting. Yes, little kids do hit because they are experimenting to see how far they can push their parents before they get yelled at.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Not only does this violence affect children, it affects teenagers too. They see the music videos. They watch the television programs, too. Television programs have ratings now, also, like PG-13 for children 13 and older. And if not all television programs have them, they should.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Our parents and grandparents saw them, but they didn’t necessarily imitate them. It may be from not watching those programs as much as we watch television today. It may just be the way children were raised then, and how they are raised now.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

As many adults may support those who say the violence on T.V. is causing a lot of real violence, I have a very different opinion! You see, times have changed a lot since the good old farm days. People fight over milk, when before, you had your own cow for milk! Also, in the "olden days" there was a certain amount of respect for your fellow man, but now it is obvious that you could care less about the next person.

Television and reality have an enormous difference between the two of them. If you didn’t know, television is an ACT, and is not intended for real life situations. The producers of the show know that if they spice it up with a murder/killing, then people will want to see what happens to them, and what also happens in the next episode.

But it is alot different if you were to walk down the streets of New York, or Brooklyn. Things are real there. If you were to see a stabbing, then you probably would be horrified, not amused. That is where the line is drawn. The person who stabbed the other person is probably trying to find money to live on or anything to survive. If the person has no education, and doesn’t know how to read, he/she has no other way to turn but to other people. They didn't decide to stab a random person because they saw it on T.V. trust me. I’m sure the homeless people who don’t even own a television were not influenced by the violence on it.

If you think watching T.V. causes real violence, think about John Wayne’s old westerns. Did you see the viewers who watched television going around on a horse shooting people? DEFINITELY not. That was just as much violence as there is today. What the older generation does not understand is how tough it really can be to be a teen growing up, and if you have a hard time in your teens then you might just grow up to let loose and kill someone. Not because they saw it done on T.V., but because they can't take it anymore, and finally they just explode. That is where the parents and other help come in such as the school. If the parents don't know enough that their kid is getting harped on in school and is on the breaking point then there not parents at all. If the teachers in school do not see it, then they're blind!

If you ask me, I believe that television is a good way to teach and educate about violence. When I watch it instead of saying it’s really cool to watch someone get shot, I think it’s a good example how bad it really is! I know that in my area, probably more than 80% of the people think it is a horrible thing, including me. If it were to happen for real around here our school would be devastated! As I have told you, society has changed to be violent and not because of T.V. You may or may not agree with me but that is ok. I’m not going to shoot you or anything!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position to persuade readers on the issue of television violence. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by taking a surprising position, that television is not the cause of violence in society. He/she describes a rural setting in the days before television and continues to frame his/her argument by explaining how societal attitudes have changed since then. (“As many adults may support those who say the violence on T.V. is causing a lot of real violence, I have a very different opinion! You see, times have changed a lot since the good old farm days. People fight over milk, when before, you had your own cow for milk! Also, in the ‘olden days’ there was a certain amount of respect for your fellow man, but now it is obvious that you could care less about the next person. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“As many adults may support those who say the violence on T.V. is causing a lot of real violence, I have a very different opinion! ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion about the cause/effect relationship between violence and television. The writer describes violent, real-life situations and refutes the idea that television programs are responsible for them. (“The person who stabbed the other person is probably trying to find money to live on or anything to survive. If the person has no education, and doesn’t know how to read, he/she has no other way to turn but to other people. They didn't decide to stab a random person because they saw it on T.V. trust me. I’m sure the homeless people who don’t even own a television were not influenced by the violence on it. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the response. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. He/she reminds viewers of the violent programs available to previous generations. (“If you think watching T.V. causes real violence, think about John Wayne’s old westerns. Did you see the viewers who watched television going around on a horse shooting people? DEFINITELY not. That was just as much violence as there is today. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion that other factors, not necessarily television, are responsible for violence in the world. He/she discusses the increasing pressures on teens today that may lead to violent behavior. (“What the older generation does not understand is how tough it really can be to be a teen growing up, and if you have a hard time in your teens then you might just grow up to let loose and kill someone. Not because they saw it done on T.V., but because they can't take it anymore, and finally they just explode. That is where the parents and other help come in such as the school. If the parents don't know enough that their kid is getting harped on in school and is on the breaking point then there not parents at all. If the teachers in school do not see it, then they're blind! ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer describes a scene of real-world violence in the city in contrast to a contrived television scenario. (“But it is alot different if you were to walk down the streets of New York, or Brooklyn. Things are real there. If you were to see a stabbing, then you probably would be horrified, not amused. That is where the line is drawn. The person who stabbed the other person is probably trying to find money to live on or anything to survive. ”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. He/she portrays the “olden days” before television as being more civil and neighborly, as opposed to today’s attitudes of disrespect. (“As many adults may support those who say the violence on T.V. is causing a lot of real violence, I have a very different opinion! You see, times have changed a lot since the good old farm days. People fight over milk, when before, you had your own cow for milk! Also, in the ‘olden days’ there was a certain amount of respect for your fellow man, but now it is obvious that you could care less about the next person. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. Transitional phrases highlight contrasting ideas and emphasize the writer’s argument. (“What the older generation does not understand is how tough it really can be to be a teen growing up, and if you have a hard time in your teens then you might just grow up to let loose and kill someone. Not because they saw it done on T.V., but because they can't take it anymore, and finally they just explode. ”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about. He/she challenges readers to consider the benefits of television programs as educational tools. (“If you ask me, I believe that television is a good way to teach and educate about violence. When I watch it instead of saying it’s really cool to watch someone get shot, I think it’s a good example how bad it really is! I know that in my area, probably more than 80% of the people think it is a horrible thing, including me. If it were to happen for real around here our school would be devastated! As I have told you, society has changed to be violent and not because of T.V. You may or may not agree with me but that is ok. I’m not going to shoot you or anything! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. Throughout the essay, he/she uses persuasive phrases to convince the readers that television is not reality. (“Television and reality have an enormous difference between the two of them. If you didn’t know, television is an ACT, and is not intended for real life situations. The producers of the show know that if they spice it up with a murder/killing, then people will want to see what happens to them, and what also happens in the next episode. ”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Also, in the ‘olden days’ there was a certain amount of respect for your fellow man, but now it is obvious that you could care less about the next person. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“If the person has no education, and doesn’t know how to read, he/she has no other way to turn but to other people. They didn't decide to stab a random person because they saw it on T.V. trust me. I’m sure the homeless people who don’t even own a television were not influenced by the violence on it.”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“ If you think watching T.V. causes real violence, think about John Wayne’s old westerns. Did you see the viewers who watched television going around on a horse shooting people? ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Rambo, The Shining, and Dark Angel are all television programs that are almost completely made up of violence. This issue has come up again and again in moral, ethical, and religious discussions around the country, and in the past years, the controversy has skyrocketed. The question has arose: "If violence is on television, does it cross over to real violence?" Indeed, violence on television does contribute to violence in society.

In the past years, violence on TV has been on the rise. From 1940's war movies, to James Bond in the 1960's, to even Charlie's Angels in the 70's, and in the 80's and 90's, countless other acts of violence on TV demoralize children and calace adults. With the rise of WWF wrestling, kids see their own heroes throwing each other down, kicking each other, and beating each other up. After they see this, they have started to try these "moves" out on each other, and think fighting solves their problems. But it doesn't, and it just makes dysfunctional kids, which turn into dysfunctional adults.

Shows not only hurt the one watching them, but the people around. These shows encourage children to be aggressive and make them fight constantly. If a kid sees a gun movie on TV, they sometimes become obsessed, making them want to try blasting people away, sometimes even their friends.

Some people think TV shows don’t contribute to societies problems. Think about Columbine High School in 1998. 14 students were killed by 2 other students who played a real life DOOM in their school. Inspired by other TV shows, it is hard to say TV violence did not have an effect on them.

Violence on TV has devastated our nation. In the past years violence on TV has crossed over to society. It is time to stop violence on TV. If it doesn't stop, it'll only get worse.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about the effects of television violence and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. He/she agrees with the premise that television programs influence people’s behavior. (“‘If violence is on television, does it cross over to real violence?’ Indeed, violence on television does contribute to violence in society.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she describes specific programming as support for his/her ideas. (“With the rise of WWF wrestling, kids see their own heroes throwing each other down, kicking each other, and beating each other up. After they see this, they have started to try these ‘moves’ out on each other, and think fighting solves their problems.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. Examples show a cause/effect relationship with violence on television contributing to violence in society. (“Shows not only hurt the one watching them, but the people around. These shows encourage children to be aggressive and make them fight constantly.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Shows not only hurt the one watching them, but the people around. These shows encourage children to be aggressive and make them fight constantly. If a kid sees a gun movie on TV, they sometimes become obsessed, making them want to try blasting people away, sometimes even their friends.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“In the past years, violence on TV has been on the rise. From 1940's war movies, to James Bond in the 1960's, to even Charlie's Angels in the 70's, and in the 80's and 90's, countless other acts of violence on TV demoralize children and calace adults. With the rise of WWF wrestling, kids see their own heroes throwing each other down, kicking each other, and beating each other up. After they see this, they have started to try these ‘moves’ out on each other, and think fighting solves their problems. But it doesn't, and it just makes dysfunctional kids, which turn into dysfunctional adults.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. Readers begin to connect the programs with their violent content. (“Rambo, The Shining, and Dark Angel are all television programs that are almost completely made up of violence. This issue has come up again and again in moral, ethical, and religious discussions around the country, and in the past years, the controversy has skyrocketed. The question has arose: ‘If violence is on television, does it cross over to real violence?’ Indeed, violence on television does contribute to violence in society.”)

The writer uses transitional words and phrases between sentences, but he/she needs to incorporate transitions between paragraphs as well. Words such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” will help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“From 1940's war movies, to James Bond in the 1960's, to even Charlie's Angels in the 70's, and in the 80's and 90's, countless other acts of violence on TV demoralize children and calace adults. With the rise of WWF wrestling, kids see their own heroes throwing each other down, kicking each other, and beating each other up. After they see this, they have started to try these ‘moves’ out on each other, and think fighting solves their problems.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument and urges readers to take action. (“Violence on TV has devastated our nation. In the past years violence on TV has crossed over to society. It is time to stop violence on TV. If it doesn't stop, it'll only get worse.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Shows not only hurt the one watching them, but the people around. These shows encourage children to be aggressive and make them fight constantly. If a kid sees a gun movie on TV, they sometimes become obsessed, making them want to try blasting people away, sometimes even their friends.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“Rambo, The Shining, and Dark Angel are all television programs that are almost completely made up of violence. This issue has come up again and again in moral, ethical, and religious discussions around the country, and in the past years, the controversy has skyrocketed. The question has arose: ‘If violence is on television, does it cross over to real violence?’ Indeed, violence on television does contribute to violence in society.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments. (“Some people think TV shows don’t contribute to societies problems. Think about Columbine High School in 1998. 14 students were killed by 2 other students who played a real life DOOM in their school. Inspired by other TV shows, it is hard to say TV violence did not have an effect on them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“ From 1940's war movies, to James Bond in the 1960's, to even Charlie's Angels in the 70's, and in the 80's and 90's, countless other acts of violence on TV demoralize children and calace adults. With the rise of WWF wrestling, kids see their own heroes throwing each other down, kicking each other, and beating each other up.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My essay is on television violence. In my opinion, I think television violence has gotten worse over the years.

I think some of the shows should not be watched by little kids. Some of them will repeat what happens in the show. It is not the children to blame for TV violence, but the TV producers that write the show.

Some of the school violence is coming from television shows and movies. This can be stopped if it wasn't so easy for kids to get to. I mean, most parents don't even care what their children watch on television.

Television violence is starting to get really bad in our nation. One of the reasons is because kids enjoy watching violence. Some of them think that you are cooler and more grown up when you watch violent movies and shows.

I think that someone should invent something to keep little kids away from television violence. Maybe they should put passwords for the certain TV programs that only the parents or guardian of the house would know. That way, when one the children want to watch a TV show they have ask their parents to put in the password for them.

So in conclusion, television violence can be taken under control, but this is your choice for your own household.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer attempts to state an opinion on increased television violence. However, the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer does not argue the issue of television violence as it relates to violence in society and instead focuses on violent television programming. (“My essay is on television violence. In my opinion, I think television violence has gotten worse over the years.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“I think some of the shows should not be watched by little kids. Some of them will repeat what happens in the show. It is not the children to blame for TV violence, but the TV producers that write the show. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince them of his/her stated point of view. (“ So in conclusion, television violence can be taken under control, but this is your choice for your own household. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument relating television programs to violence in society. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some of the school violence is coming from television shows and movies. This can be stopped if it wasn't so easy for kids to get to. I mean, most parents don't even care what their children watch on television.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I think that someone should invent something to keep little kids away from television violence. Maybe they should put passwords for the certain TV programs that only the parents or guardian of the house would know. That way, when one the children want to watch a TV show they have ask their parents to put in the password for them. ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal ideas for solving children’s exposure to violent programming, it is not an effective support for the argument .

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay lacks an effective introduction. In this case, the writer makes a statement declaring the topic of his/her essay. (“ My essay is on television violence. In my opinion, I think television violence has gotten worse over the years. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“I think some of the shows should not be watched by little kids. Some of them will repeat what happens in the show. It is not the children to blame for TV violence, but the TV producers that write the show. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The brief conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“ So in conclusion, television violence can be taken under control, but this is your choice for your own household. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak in nature. (“Television violence is starting to get really bad in our nation. One of the reasons is because kids enjoy watching violence. Some of them think that you are cooler and more grown up when you watch violent movies and shows.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies on simple sentence structures and repeatedly uses the phrase, “I think.” (“I think some of the shows should not be watched by little kids. Some of them will repeat what happens in the show. It is not the children to blame for TV violence, but the TV producers that write the show. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ That way, when one the children want to watch a TV show they have ask their parents to put in the password for them. ”)

The writer should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that some of the violences on movies give kids ideas to go out and do something wrong.I think parents should not let their kids watch violent things. But some of the kids get it from their parents beatting on each others. If the kids don't get it from t.v. they get it from people in the neigborhood.

Some parents should get a locked on the t.v. are should just them not to watch it, if they no it is bad from.My opinion is that violence in the society sometimes do not have any thing to do with television. So that my opinion on the society and on televison. Some kids also get it from school. So that i got to say about that.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of violence on television. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay attempts to connect violence on television with violence in society, but the opinion is not clearly defined, and the writer reverses this position partway through the essay. (“ I think that some of the violences on movies give kids ideas to go out and do something wrong.I think parents should not let their kids watch violent things…” “…My opinion is that violence in the society sometimes do not have any thing to do with television. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ So that my opinion on the society and on televison. Some kids also get it from school. So that i got to say about that. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ If the kids don't get it from t.v. they get it from people in the neigborhood. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the impact of television violence . The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not take a firm position on the issue, leaving the response conflicted and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ I think parents should not let their kids watch violent things. But some of the kids get it from their parents beatting on each others. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ Some parents should get a locked on the t.v. are should just them not to watch it, if they no it is bad from. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I think that some of the violences on movies give kids ideas to go out and do something wrong.I think parents should not let their kids watch violent things. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ Some parents should get a locked on the t.v. are should just them not to watch it, if they no it is bad from.My opinion is that violence in the society sometimes do not have any thing to do with television. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“So that my opinion on the society and on televison. Some kids also get it from school. So that i got to say about that. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument that television violence effects violence in society. (“But some of the kids get it from their parents beatting on each others. If the kids don't get it from t.v. they get it from people in the neigborhood.”)

Although the essay attempts to incorporate persuasive words, poor language use detracts from the effectiveness of the writer’s message. (“Some parents should get a locked on the t.v. are should just them not to watch it, if they no it is bad from.My opinion is that violence in the society sometimes do not have any thing to do with television. ”) The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ But some of the kids get it from their parents beatting on each others. ”)

The writer should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I dont think what u watch on televison contribute to the violence in are society. I do beleive that it deppend on were u live in. Most of the violent that happens often comes from a child, and most adults always what to blame it on what they watch. I also believe that the child will only do what it is taught to do, so what i'm saying is if i child/person lives in a violence home she more likely be violence. Iyou teach your chlid to do right he more likely to do as u say.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers that television programs are not the cause of violence in society. The writer merely focuses on general statements about children’s behavior. (“ Iyou teach your chlid to do right he more likely to do as u say. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ I dont think what u watch on televison contribute to the violence in are society. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and the intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ I do beleive that it deppend on were u live in. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the impact of television violence. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I dont think what u watch on televison contribute to the violence in are society. I do beleive that it deppend on were u live in. ”)

Since this one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas are presented in the form of body paragraphs. (“Most of the violent that happens often comes from a child, and most adults always what to blame it on what they watch. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how violence starts in the home. (“I also believe that the child will only do what it is taught to do, so what i'm saying is if i child/person lives in a violence home she more likely be violence. ”)

Organization

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“ I do beleive that it deppend on were u live in. Most of the violent that happens often comes from a child, and most adults always what to blame it on what they watch. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“Iyou teach your chlid to do right he more likely to do as u say. ” )

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I dont think what u watch on televison contribute to the violence in are society. I do beleive that it deppend on were u live in. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“ Most of the violent that happens often comes from a child, and most adults always what to blame it on what they watch. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. The writer attempts to use persuasive language but needs to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively. (“I also believe that the child will only do what it is taught to do, so what i'm saying is if i child/person lives in a violence home she more likely be violence. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Vote For Me!

People run for elected offices, from the President of the United States to class officers in a school. You are running for class president for your grade level. Write an essay convincing your classmates that you are the best choice for class president.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The year for change is here. When I am elected for class president, the school year will finally have a kick to it. Many things that you as a student hate about our school can be altered and completely revised. Anything from homework to what foods are served in the cafeteria, the year for change is here. Also students will be able to stay connected with the outside world with the added technology that will be inserted this year.

There will be many things changed this year. For one change food, the food we are served is definitely the quality we deserve as learning students at West. We need more food brought in for us students from popular restaurants and custom orders of what we would personally like to eat that day. That will be one major change that I will make. Homework is a major item that is hated by students; I will change the school policy to have absolutely no homework on four out of the five days of the week. The teachers will have no say in what we will have to do when school is over, it's our time. Also a constant flow on fountain drinks in each class, with a plethora of goodies to snack on. These will be some of the simple changes I will make as your class president.

Classroom interiors will be a big focus. Adding many couches and comfortable chairs will be a priority, by adding these things it will make coming to school not as dreadful. The classes also will be gaining music capabilities, so we can listen to our favorite tunes all through out the day. The radio and other news channels will be provided for our convenience and knowledge. One last thing that will be added is Xbox Live, braking up our day by playing fun and entertaining games. These changes will make our day better for both us and teachers.

Hallway conditions will also change. I will have plasma televisions inserted in the hallways to keep us up to date in what is happening during the day. More TVs will be added to the back of our lockers, so we can watch in the day activities such as sports games. In order to save our energy for learning there will be walking side walks inserted all over the school. These walkways will take us to our classes in first class fashion and time. One last change that I will make in the halls is the passing period, making it longer in the effort to give us more of a break in between classes. Hallways at West will be drastically different in the year to come.

Testing during the year will be altered at West. If you like iPods, you will like the changes made during tests. Music players will be aloud during all of our short tests. Yes I said short tests; all the tests we take will be fifteen to one questions long. During tests we will be able to make our selves comfortable and take our time completing the test, with no time limits. Tests at West will be simple and quick. Also if you happen to fail a test you can redo for a full credit test, making it able to receive a one hundred on everything. Tests at West will be new this year, new and simple.

Overall at West, this year things will change. This school year will be the best attended by any students that go to school. With all the added perks, the year will be easy, short, and most of all enjoyable. Students will be able to go to school and stay updated with our TVs that will be added, and with our music plays offering the news channels during class. Also with the Xbox Live added to all the classrooms, class will be broken up to ensure we enhance our learning capacity for each day. The overall grade we will be taking home will be greater than another year, with our short and easy test that will be implanted. The year of change is here.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes. The examples given provoke thought and provide a clear image in the readers’ minds. (“Also a constant flow on fountain drinks in each class, with a plethora of goodies to snack on.”) The writer predicts what readers might think or say if they disagree with his/her position. (“Also if you happen to fail a test you can redo for a full credit test, making it able to receive a one hundred on everything.”) The writer’s conclusion is effective and leaves readers with something to think about. (“With all the added perks, the year will be easy, short, and most of all enjoyable.”) Some essays will provide a “call for action” (or, in this case, a plea for the votes of their fellow students), but this essay does not.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction, and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is demonstrated throughout. Essays at this level always use paragraphing to separate ideas. The essay’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. Transitions are used very effectively to move between ideas. (“ If you like iPods, you will like the changes made during tests.”) The essay provides an effective conclusion that provides readers with some sense of closure. (“The overall grade we will be taking home will be greater than another year, with our short and easy test that will be implanted.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective use of language and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. There are occasionally a few fragmented sentences present that need to be rephrased. (“ Also a constant flow on fountain drinks in each class, with a plethora of goodies to snack on .”) Essays at this level rarely have minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present never impede meaning. (“ The classes also will be gaining music capabilities, so we can listen to our favorite tunes all through out the day.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In my opinion, we should have better lunches, better field trips, and better dances and activities. You should vote for me because I am responsible, and I do all my homework for school. My name is Bill Smith and I will make your school better by my reasons that I said in my opinion. Vote for me for school's president. I will try to make your school a lot better if you vote for me for school's president. I will give you free pins to all of you who want to vote. I will thank all of you who voted for me and the ones who didn't vote for me because it might be hard to choose whoever wants to be your class president. You might not want to vote because it is too difficult to vote for class president for seventh graders. Thank You all for voting for who is the right president of your class.

Want better lunches at your school? If you vote for me, I will make sure it happens. We could bring snack machines back if you want better stuff in your school. You could get Hot Cheetos in your lunch every day. In addition, I will make sure that everyone gets free lunches in the cafeteria; no one will ever go hungry. You could then eat a snack like Snickers I will make the snickers cost less to fifty cents. Then you could eat your snack in class if you want to. I will let you because you feel hungry that you didn't eat breakfast or lunch. I will give you snacks during the line for waiting to lunch so you won't feel hungry a lot. I will try to lets you eat in class if you do the best you can to clean up your stuff.

Want to go to better field trips? Vote for me if you do. I will say to go to where ever you want to go to. You can decide where you want to go. There will be more field trips more often. You should write the place that you want to go in a paper and send the paper to the office. We will have air conditioned buses so you won’t be hot inside the bus. I will give you free lunches for you when you are at the picnic area. It will include Hot Cheetos, a sandwich, a cookie, and a drink. I will give you free lunch bags for your food. You will get permission to go where ever you want to sit with in the bus. I will try to make your school better if you vote for me and you will get permission to go where ever you want in the field trip but you have to be with a teacher or two teachers.

Hey want better dances at your school? If you vote for me for class president I will make the tickets cool for the boys and beautiful for the girls. I will put air conditioners in the room so you won’t be hot inside the room. I will try to make your dancing room bigger so you won’t be all crowded because a lot of people will be mad if it is so small. You will like the way I am going to do the room. If its valentine I will put hearts on the wall. If it is a March dance I will put clovers in the wall. If it is Halloween dance I will put pumpkins on the walls. I will bring a cool DJ that plays music like hip hop, rock, and whatever you guys or girls decide. I will make your dances much better if you support me.

Therefore I will try to make your school better. By voting for me you will see a drastic uptick in the quality of your education. I will make your school turn to a crystal city. It will be very tidy and clean. You’ll be amazed as I implement the programs I’ve stated in my persuasive essay. Thanks for reading my essay and have fantastic day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade the readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“In my opinion, we should have better lunches, better field trips, and better dances and activities.”) It continues with a thesis. (“You should vote for me because I am responsible and I do all my homework for school.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. He/she does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level never have irrelevant information, although they may occasionally have information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Details are clear, correct, and specific. (“If its valentine I will put hearts on the wall. If it is a March dance I will put clovers in the wall. If it is Halloween dance I will put pumpkins on the walls.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning that helps define that paragraph’s content. The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. Paragraphing and transitions are used to some effect. (“Want to go to better field trips? Vote for me if you do. I will say to go to where ever you want to go to.”) The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do.

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“You could get Hot Cheetos in your lunch every day. In addition, I will make sure that everyone gets free lunches in the cafeteria; no one will ever go hungry.”) The language and tone are consistent. Essays at this level rarely have minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. In this case, the essay has several sentences that are overly simplistic, but the author’s intent is clear.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action) and end with a punctuation mark. Paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present never impede meaning. (“I will give you free lunches for you when you are at the picnic area. It will include Hot Cheetos, a sandwich, a cookie, and a drink.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Vote for ME!

I am running for the position of class president. I guess you are wondering, "Why should I vote for you?" Well, lend me your ears, and I will make sure that I will be your top candidate. I am a trustworthy, honest, and most importantly, cheerful person. I assure you, these are the ingredients of a great class president. I will make school an enjoyable place, despite the fact that you have to learn.

Trustworthiness is greatly valued by me. For example, one of my friends told me who he likes. As every teenager would, they would be compelled to tell at least ONE person, yet I haven't told anyone. This may not seem like a big deal, but my trustworthiness saved my friend a whole lot of embarrassment. So, wouldn't you want a president like that?

Honesty is the trait that I value the most. As you can see, I am not lying about this, because I am honest. If I make a mistake, I will admit to it, and most importantly, I will fix whatever wrongdoing I have done. For example, if I know that one of my friends was doing something wrong, I would be willing to ruin a friendship to stop him from doing that. Wouldn't you want a president that would be willing to do anythng to make sue school is fun, but not out of control?

Most Importantly, I am a cheerful persin. It would be silly to think that a grumpy president would lead to bad leadership, and more work on your part, right? Well, it's not as silly as it seems. A cheerful president might make you cheerful. A good mood is what makes us run. A cheerful leader may change a few rules to where they may be more enjoyable, yet retain the learning involved in that activity.

With all three of these ingredients mixed together, you have the recipe for a great president, and a good time. I hope that I have convinced you that I am the best candidate for this position. Remember these three things: cheerfulness, honesty, and trustworthiness. Those are things that make good people good. The things that make great presidents. What makes your friends? I am the best candidate for class president. I promise to make your school day experience a fun and enjoyable one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers. It also demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. (“ I guess you are wondering, "Why should I vote for you?" Well, lend me your ears, and I will make sure that I will be your top candidate.”) The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. He/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level rarely have irrelevant information, but they may occasionally have information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introd uction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization. The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. Transitions and paragraphing are used adequately. The essay uses subtle transitions effectively. Finally, the essay has a conclusion that adequately summarizes the essay and gives readers a sense of closure. (“With all three of these ingredients mixed together, you have the recipe for a great president, and a good time. I hope that I have convinced you that I am the best candidate for this position.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience, control of voice, and general use of correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Word choices are sometimes poor. Essays at this level occasionally have minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“Wouldn't you want a president that would be willing to do anythng to make sue school is fun, but not out of control?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level have few errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“ Most Importantly, I am a cheerful persin.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My name Joe and I am running for class president for eighth grade. Why should you vote, I am glad you asked. I have many traits of a good leader. I am really like able person. I have really good grades. I am also a really good leader on the football and soccer field. I an also a really hard worker.

Let me tell you some of my traits. Like I said I am a really hard worker. I am really trust worthy. I am also smart, my lowest grade is an 85.64. And that is because that class is really hard. I never back down from a challenge. The spot just would fit me perfectly.

What would I do, I am so glade you asked. I first would get better food. Then I would try to get a soccer team for the school, because everyone wants one. Then I would just see what everyone else wants and then try to do what they want. I just would be an all around beast for the spot of president.

If you pick me then you will not be disappointed. If you don't you will regret your decision. If you play football and if you did not vote for me then you will get to go to the hospital. So if you know whets right for you then you will vote for Joe for president of the Middle School.

Like the great Steve said "live life to the fullest" and if you want to do that then you will pick Joe for the president of the Middle School. If you pick me for president of Coppell Middle School then you will not sorry.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position/thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. It also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience but does complete some parts of the task. The thesis is clear, but it is also very simplistic. Ideally, the thesis should draw readers to the content in some way. The essay is very bland and is only somewhat appropriate for the audience. The tone is too simplistic. (“Why should you vote, I am glad you asked. I have many traits of a good leader.”) That being said, the author does stay on topic throughout the essay. Essays at this level occasionally have irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the author’s opinion. For example, the author could have included a paragraph about possible other challengers. Most of the content is clear and diverse, but the author does include some repetitious statements. (“If you pick me then you will not be disappointed. If you don't you will regret your decision.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. Effective introductions should provide readers with a clear understanding as to the purpose of the essay. It should also be somewhat creative and keep readers interested in the topic. The transitions are very simplistic. (“Let me tell you some of my traits. Like I said I am a really hard worker.”) Finally, the author has a conclusion that attempts to be creative, but it is brief and does not give readers anything to think about going forward. (“Like the great Steve said "live life to the fullest" and if you want to do that then you will pick Joe for the president of the Middle School.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. Sentences in the essay may lack well-developed structure. (“What would I do, I am so glade you asked.”) Essays at this level often have sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they are too short and lack sophistication. Usually, this indicates a lack of variety in sentence structure. Essays at this level have some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have some errors in mechanics and conventions, which may impede meaning. (“If you don't you will regret your decision.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi, my name is Jane and I would like to be your class president. I would like to get more help to improve our school. It would be nice when we leave for different high schools to remember where we came from and how fun it was. I will make our lunch time longer. I will try my best to do all of this for our school, but I can't guarantee it. I will try my best to make our year the best year ever. That’s what I would do for our school I'll try to make this all happen just for us eighth grade! So that's why I would like to become your president for our Middle School.

I will guarantee most of this stuff for our school. I’m an honor roll student and i play and love to play footbal and baseball.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The author states her intention to be student class president, but she doesn’t attempt to provide a creative introduction. (“Hi, my name is Jane and I would like to be your class president.”) Some of the information provided does not seem particularly relevant. (“It would be nice when we leave for different high schools to remember where we came from and how fun it was.”) Essays at this level may or may not have irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Ideas that are provided are not fully developed. (“ I will try my best to make our year the best year ever. That’s what I would do for our school I'll try to make this all happen just for us eighth grade! So that's why I would like to become your president for our Middle School.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure, a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not have paragraphing to separate ideas. The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. There are few transitions used. The essay uses paragraphing but only in a minimal way. There is no conclusion. (“ I will guarantee most of this stuff for our school. I’m an honor roll student and i play and love to play footbal and baseball.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“I will make our lunch time longer. I will try my best to do all of this for our school, but I can't guarantee it.”) Essays at this level often have errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. In this case, most of the sentences are structured clearly and correctly, but the language is too simplistic for this grade level.

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine a year in high school your first and 9th grade our officers are cheaters & liars. Now we don't want this right? Vote for me. i have leadership skills and i have nearly a clean record and i fullfill my promises.

my leadership skills well i work at YMCAand in the weekends i babysit little children but i always end up hleping them in many ways. but with me you can bet that bad things won’t happen. Thank you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. To the author’s credit, he or she does attempt to provide a somewhat creative introduction, but it does not provide readers with a clear understanding of the purpose of the essay.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“my leadership skills well i work at YMCAand in the weekends i babysit little children but i always end up hleping them in many ways.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The author uses some paragraphing but does so very poorly. There are no transitions and no concluding remarks. (“but with me you can bet that bad things won’t happen. Thank you.”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have errors in mechanics and conventions, which often impede meaning. (“my leadership skills well i work at YMCAand in the weekends i babysit little children but i always end up hleping them in many ways.”)

Weather Related Makeup Days

Sometimes a snow or hurricane day can be seen as a great gift, until you realize that you have to make up any days missed at the end of the year. The state requires all schools to make up any school days missed due to severe weather events. Think about how you feel about having to make those days up.

In a well-developed essay, persuade your principal to either support or not support making up any school days missed at the end of the year due to severe weather events. Include facts and details to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

While all students eventually get their chance of freedom when summer vacation comes, the same for nature cannot be said. Natural disasters and inevitable forces of nature never take a vacation. When they do happen to strike a town or area, students have to make the days up by expanding the school year. Students are outraged by this, even if this law cannot be oppose. I disapprove of this because it's eating the blissful summer vacation students have and ruins plans that families have made together. It's absolutely unfair for kids who have to deal with this. They worked hard for school to end and the government just whimsically simply adds more days of school to the calendar without a thought to how this affects everyone else. It's absolutely not just, not fair, and students shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of further school days, simply because Mother Nature had to call. Students should not be able to attend more school days, and instead, the government shouldn't enforce more school days, but rather, they should ignore it and let it go.

Schools have to make up days of school because of the weather, but no one is to blame for the weather problems. We simply don't have the authority and control of the skies and atmostsphere around us. It's not our fault if the high pressure and low pressure in the clouds produce rain, thunder, and hail. Even though we miss valuable education, we learned enough education for a year. We spent 10 months, over 6 hours, learning math, language arts, social studies, and science. Don't we all deserve a break from school? Can't we all just relax and have fun? The teachers would also agree with the students, that nobody wants to spend extra days at school! It cuts into everybody's time, and summer, and if the teachers aren't willing to cooperate, then nobody else will.

Why add more days of school if it's going to cost the government more money. In 2008-09, the government paid $11,626 for students k-12 to attend school. For the government, the best way to save money is to not add more days to the school year. The maximum to extend the school days are 5 days. That's another week of school for the school year. However, the more days we have of the school year, the more money the school gets for teaching us and for activities. The government could save money by not giving us that extra week. We don't need those extra days just because of a little bad weather. We shouldn't have to make up a "disaster" day, because of snow, tornados, or hurricanes everywhere. A little rain never hurt anybody, but apparently, it will hurt money funds.

Parent may have made plans during the week and they can't rain-check, nor return the tickets they bought to spend time with their child. Parents would be outraged if the school year expended and they would have wasted money by not going to a groovy concert or to an expensive and glamorous cruise ship. Students and parents would both be outraged by not being able to meet their reserved plans. Bad weather isn't exactly like a vacation either because they would be worried sick for the conditions of their environment and their loved ones. "What if my house is blown to pieces" or" What if my house starts to flood because of the hurricane?" So who's to say that the day off of school because of a natural disaster is a walk through the field? It's worrying, and nobody is safe from it. The extra school days cause an inconvenience, and they could be avoided if the government does not implement them on us.

Even though we shouldn't have to make up school days, some benefits can be seen because of it. School gets more money for supplies and for teacher's paychecks. During vacations, teachers are still paid even though they're relaxing. Education is very valuable to students everywhere. There is unemployment across the nation almost everywhere. If we have a good education then we would have a better chance of getting a good job that can support us and our future families. Plus you would have those after school activities, which are enjoyable for the student body. These activities would eventually be cancelled during the weather, and students will have to go a day or a week to come back to it, as means to make up for it. Still, the government shouldn't be adding day, especially if it was a few due to the weather. It's unfair to the students and the staff that work hard at schools everywhere.

In conclusion, we shouldn't have to make up days just because weather was terrible and horrible. Students and teachers have worked hard each year. Parents would have to cancel because of expend school days. Government can save money if they don't expend the school year. However on the other hand, teachers are paid, and the school gets money because students are here everyday, and we all get valuable education. We don't need more days of school because of the bad weather. We can't control the skies. So the school days shouldn't be placed on us, because of some rain droplets or windy weather, and it would honestly just make everybody happier.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the prompt task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The introduction grabs the readers' attention, and the writer follows up the introduction with an opinionative statement. The thesis statement tells readers what the essay is going to discuss. Early in the essay, the writer also gives some examples that help readers to understand the writer’s position. (“ I disapprove of this because it's eating the blissful summer vacation students have and ruins plans that families have made together.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. Essays at this level rarely, if ever, contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic or is not fully explored. This type of additional information does not impede meaning. (“ Parents would be outraged if the school year expended and they would have wasted money by not going to a groovy concert or to an expensive and glamorous cruise ship.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Some word choice could be improved, but the essay is still sufficiently professional for any audience.

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue. The writer aptly addresses the readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

The essay includes several main ideas that are supported by several additional details and examples. (“ The government could save money by not giving us that extra week. We don't need those extra days just because of a little bad weather.”)

The writer successfully addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“ Even though we shouldn't have to make up school days, some benefits can be seen because of it.”)

The writer effectively restates questions and counterarguments to support his/her reasoning and support. (“ Don't we all deserve a break from school? Can't we all just relax and have fun? The teachers would also agree with the students, that nobody wants to spend extra days at school! It cuts into everybody's time, and summer, and if the teachers aren't willing to cooperate, then nobody else will.”)

The writer begins a paragraph with a counterargument and opposes it throughout the paragraph. (“ Even though we shouldn't have to make up school days, some benefits can be seen because of it. School gets more money for supplies and for teacher's paychecks.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The essay’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. It also effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ While all students eventually get their chance of freedom when summer vacation comes, the same for nature cannot be said. Natural disasters and inevitable forces of nature never take a vacation.”)

The writer uses paragraphing and some transitional devices that help readers to move from one reason or idea to the next. However, additional transitions to help separate ideas would further improve the essay’s readability. (“ Even though we shouldn't have to make up school days, some benefits can be seen because of it.”)

The writer includes a conclusion that helps to summarize some of the ideas presented and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“ We can't control the skies. So the school days shouldn't be placed on us, because of some rain droplets or windy weather, and it would honestly just make everybody happier.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ They worked hard for school to end and the government just whimsically simply adds more days of school to the calendar without a thought to how this affects everyone else.”)

The tone is appropriate for any audience. The writer uses a style that is both professional and easy to understand, yet some word choices could be improved. For example, the writer should use “students” or “children” instead of the less formal “kids.” However, most of the word choices are acceptable. (“ It's absolutely unfair for kids who have to deal with this.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, spelling, or punctuation that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. (“Parents would be outraged if the school year expended and they would have wasted money by not going to a groovy concert or to an expensive and glamorous cruise ship.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“ We simply don't have the authority and control of the skies and atmostsphere around us.”)

Generally, commas and other mechanical devices are used consistently and correctly. (“It's not our fault if the high pressure and low pressure in the clouds produce rain, thunder, and hail.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and the errors that are present do not impede meaning.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Sometimes a snow or hurricane day can seem to be a awesome gift, until you realize that you have to make up those days that you missed at the end of the year. The state requires all schools to make up any days missed due to severe weather events. I for on e believe that that is unfair and not up to the state. One reason is because the weather is up to mother nature. Next maybe it is meant for us to miss those days. And lastly, we should not have to make those missed days because it would take out of already planned schedules. I think these are some brilliant arguments on the subject.

To begin with I think we should not have to make up days that we missed due to the weather because, we can't control mother nature. How can you stop something that is already intended to happen from happening? You can't stop it. The earth and its nature work in a circular pattern; we have cool, relaxing, sunny days that offset the rainy, stormy days. We should not have to surrender the good days because of a few bad ones. It is not up to us to say what will happen to the environment. Since we don't determine what will happen, we shouldn't be forced to make up days that are missed because of these severe weather events. I strongly think it is not up to us to say whether we should make up for a stormy day, but to accept it.

Next, I strongly think that we should not have to make up missed school days due to storm is because of serendipity! If you don't know what serendipity is, it means what will be, will be. If we miss a day or week of school do to the weather, maybe it is meant for us to miss that day or week. What if we were at school that day and something happened to the school and students? There would be a plethora of angry parents calling the state about the matter. Not going to school on that day was a good decision, but we shouldn’t tempt fate by trying to reschedule.

And last but most certainly not least, I dearly think that we should not have to make up missed days is because, it would ruin already scheduled plans for the future. Lets just say that we had a party or dance scheduled for the fourth of July at school, but a tornado hits and we have to make up that day. That would be a bad decision because there would be a cacophony of angry and frustrated people at the state's doorstep. Therefore, if we miss a day of school due to those reasons of a severe storm, we should just let it go and move on to the next day. That is my last reason on this subject!

Teachers and school administrators say we should make up school days because they are important to our education, but often the last few days of school are boring and do not do much to make us smarter. We usually just sit there and do nothing while teachers zone out. Adding make-up days to the end of the year is really unnecessary.

So to put it all in a nutshell, I chose there main reason why I support the side that say's should not make up missed school days due to storms or weather. My first reason was that it is not up to us, but it is up to mother nature what happens to our enviroment. That is a excellent reason because it is truly the truth. Next I stated that it is all up to serendipity. And lastly I said that missing those days would interfer with plans in the future. I think that all of my reasons are fair and legitamite and should be considered by the school administration.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue. The essay satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer begins with a clear thesis statement that summarizes some of the main ideas to be discussed. (“ I for on e believe that that is unfair and not up to the state. One reason is because the weather is up to mother nature. Next maybe it is meant for us to miss those days. And lastly, we should not have to make those missed days because it would take out of already planned schedules.”)

The writer continues with effective use of background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay. (“ The state requires all schools to make up any days missed due to severe weather events.”)

Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning. In this case, much of the content is on topic. (“ We don't determine what will happen, so we shouldn't be able to take away days that are missed because of severe weather events”)

Content & Development

The writer includes several main ideas that directly support the thesis. (“Next, I strongly think that we should not have to make up missed school days due to storm is because of serendipity!”)

Additional details support these main ideas and provide the writer’s opinion with needed credibility. Details include real-life or hypothetical examples, dialogue, and statistics, which support the writer’s claims. For example, the writer claims that parents might be upset if schools were to ignore the concept of fate. (“Not going to school on that day was a good decision, but we shouldn’t tempt fate by trying to reschedule.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a response to the counterargument. (“Teachers and school administrators say we should make up school days because they are important to our education, but often the last few days of school are boring and do not do much to make us smarter.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The essay has consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning that helps to define the paragraph’s content.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. The writer provides his/her audience with a personal story that helps readers relate to the issues being discussed in the essay. (“Sometimes a snow or hurricane day can seem to be a awesome gift, until you realize that you have to make up those days that you missed at the end of the year.”)

The writer uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. The use of transitional words helps to show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“ And last but most certainly not least, I dearly think that we should not have to make up missed days is because, it would ruin already scheduled plans for the future.”)

The writer’s conclusion summarizes some of the ideas present and leaves readers with a sense of closure. (“ I think that all of my reasons are fair and legitamite and should be considered by the school administration.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“ Lets just say that we had a party or dance scheduled for the fourth of July at school, but a tornado hits and we have to make up that day.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including exclamations or questions. The writer then answers those questions using well-constructed sentences. (“ How can you stop something that is already intended to happen from happening? You can't stop it. The earth and its nature work in a circular pattern; we have cool, relaxing, sunny days that offset the rainy, stormy days.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. Readers can infer the writer’s intent. (“ If you don't know what serendipity is, it means what will be, will be”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few errors in grammar, mechanics, spelling, or punctuation that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, most or all sentences begin with a capital letter, have a subject and a verb, and end with a punctuation mark, and most or all paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation. (“Not going to school on that day was a good decision, but we shouldn’t tempt fate by trying to reschedule.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“I think that all of my reasons are fair and legitamite and should be considered by the school administration.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and the errors that are present never impede meaning. Readers can infer the writer’s intent. (“So to put it all in a nutshell, I chose there main reason why I support the side that say's should not make up missed school days due to storms or weather.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

School days are very important to teachers and children. Yet only sometimes do kids want to go to school. The main reason children would like to go to school is to see their friends and get out of school as soon as possible, teenagers really hate school as it is already, we having to school on the days we should have off really exasperates us. Many teenagers in their age's thirteen through fifteen intend to skip school every day or every other day. Five out of seven days we have to either scamper all the way to school or pipe up and say "Hello" to the bus driver. Our vacation or holidays shouldn’t be over written by storm days; I mean I understand if we miss school for like a month but just a few days we shouldn't have to make it up it's not like it was our fault.

Storms make up and school days don't mix together in kids' ears. At school we're trapped in doors to much. Kids would like to see the pacific blue sky for a while. Instead we have to face front and look at this vapid kind of jet black chalky board with some kind of writing who knows on it. We intend to get aggressive from being locked in the classroom for so many hours. Also, we students are docile most of the time btu when it comes to seeing the same people twenty-four seven we get a little irritated. We get yelled at by our parents because we complain about how dumb and pathetic school is then we linger around after school with our friends. Our parents tell us we're grateful to have make up days because our education is paramount to the others surrounding us and we need it in our future.

Kids need vacation days. We need to be able to vent our frustrations and take some time off. Our vacation days are for us to have the time of our lives yeah we get like one hundred days of summer fun btu we still need breaks from school. We don't want to be ignorant we just want to have a little time to ourselves. At home we are either doing schoolwork or getting yelled at by our parents we never have time to just well relax. We do even do work around the house for our parents isn't that enough! Make up days shouldn't be on us, we shouldn't have to worry about coming to school on our holiday. Its not like when our parents go to work they don't have to go to work more than they need too just to make up that day they got off. The storm is a similar type of situation.

In conclusion, while teachers are totally indifferent when it comes to our school activities, I am sure they would like to stay home on student holidays as well or holidays with their friends or family rather than come and stare at us for eight hours. Basically, I’m sure we could all benefit from having a few extra days to ourselves.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade readers . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the prompt task and his/her intended audience, and satisfies many parts of the task.

The writer begins by providing readers with background information to help them understand the purpose of the essay. (“ School days are very important to teachers and children. Yet only sometimes do kids want to go to school.”)

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“ Our vacation or holidays shouldn’t be over written by storm days; I mean I understand if we miss school for like a month but just a few days we shouldn't have to make it up it's not like it was our fault.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ Our parents tell us we're grateful to have make up days because our education is paramount to the others surrounding us and we need it in our future. ”)

Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although the writer may occasionally include information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. The writer adequately addresses readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. Main ideas like these directly support the thesis. However, additional ideas would improve the essay. (“ Kids need vacation days. We need to be able to vent our frustrations and take some time off.”)

At least three details are stated about each main idea. The writer includes three to five supporting details in a paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“ At home we are either doing schoolwork or getting yelled at by our parents we never have time to just well relax.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing, but some could use additional details or clarification. (“ Its not like when our parents go to work they don't have to go to work more than they need too just to make up that day they got off. The storm is a similar type of situation.”)

The writer briefly attempts to address the concerns of teachers and other administrators who also have to make up school days. (“In conclusion, while teachers are totally indifferent when it comes to our school activities, I am sure they would like to stay home on student holidays as well or holidays with their friends or family rather than come and stare at us for eight hours.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use s ome form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization.

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“ School days are very important to teachers and children. Yet only sometimes do kids want to go to school.”)

Transitional words help to show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“ Also, we students are docile most of the time btu when it comes to seeing the same people twenty-four seven we get a little irritated.”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes the argument and provides the readers with a sense of closure. It also gives readers something to think about. (“ In conclusion, while teachers are totally indifferent when it comes to our school activities, I am sure they would like to stay home on student holidays as well or holidays with their friends or family rather than come and stare at us for eight hours.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, along with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety, and sentence lengths are adequately varied. Word choice is sometimes poor or confusing.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer uses interesting words to help keep the readers’ attention. The tone is appropriate for most audiences. (“ Five out of seven days we have to either scamper all the way to school or pipe up and say ‘Hello’ to the bus driver.”)

Word choice is sometimes poor. In addition, incorrect spelling of certain words may change or confuse the writer's meaning. (“ Storms make up and school days don't mix together in kids' ears. At school we're trapped in doors to much.”)

Generally, essays at this level occasionally contain minor errors in language usage or style, but the majority of the content is clear and correct. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. The writer should rephrase these sentences to ensure readers understand the writer’s intent. (“Make up days shouldn't be on us, we shouldn't have to worry about coming to school on our holiday.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . The essay contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, spelling, or punctuation, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, many sentences begin with a capital letter, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, and many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation. (“At home we are either doing schoolwork or getting yelled at by our parents we never have time to just well relax.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors usually do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“Also, we students are docile most of the time btu when it comes to seeing the same people twenty-four seven we get a little irritated.”)

Overall, essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present do not seriously damage the writer’s credibility nor do they interfere with meaning. Readers can infer the writer’s intent. (“Its not like when our parents go to work they don't have to go to work more than they need too just to make up that day they got off. The storm is a similar type of situation.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine a blizzard that knocked out the power for a couple of weeks, and you finish the school year and don't learn what they missed in thoose weeks. Thats why I agree to make up days for school. Sometimes a snow or hurricane day can be seen as a great gift, until you realize that you have to make up days. Most people disagree that they should have make up days, why risk failing next year if you can make it up in a couple of days. There are three reasons why we should have make up days one is you can fail next year, rob the school from earning money, and rob yourself from chanes in social life.

The knowladge you were supposed to learn from that week or so you missed can have a big impact the next school year. Ecspicially if you missed Algebra. Missing a day of math is like missing a whole unit. Some say they can make it up, but what about the others. "If you missed school you mised out!"

The way you can rob the school from money is that most American schools get paid based on the A.D.A(average daily attendance). Every day of school you missed is a punishment for the school. They miss out on money that can help you. You are not just robbing the school for money you are robbing yourself.

We all kids know the luxury of school and its social time with your friends. When you missed a day it's like a missing a year of school. You miss some of social life and knowlage, its a loose loose.

I just think make up days are the right thing to do. Some people disagree but they dont realize what happens as a consequence. Again "If you miss school you missed out!"

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion/position/thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The writer also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience but completes some parts of the task.

The writer attempts to provide some background information so readers can understand the purpose of the essay. (“Imagine a blizzard that knocked out the power for a couple of weeks, and you finish the school year and don't learn what they missed in thoose weeks.”)

The thesis statement is brief and provides very little analysis to help readers understand the writer’s opinion. (“Imagine a blizzard that knocked out the power for a couple of weeks, and you finish the school year and don't learn what they missed in thoose weeks. Thats why I agree to make up days for school.”)

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement that reflects some understanding of purpose and audience. The writer uses some inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers, which demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. (“You miss some of social life and knowlage, its a loose loose.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position. The writer attempts to address readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

The writer attempts to make each supporting reason the main topic sentence of the body paragraph, but he/she is only partially successful since the statements do not make much sense without additional context. ("The way you can rob the school from money is that most American schools get paid based on the A.D.A(average daily attendance).")

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the writer’s opinion. Additional details are needed to understand the opposing position. (“Some people disagree but they dont realize what happens as a consequence.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, or short stories that explain or illustrate his/her opinion, but additional details or real-life examples would further improve the writer’s argument. (“ Every day of school you missed is a punishment for the school. They miss out on money that can help you.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but it lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by including a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. The introduction also gives some background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Imagine a blizzard that knocked out the power for a couple of weeks, and you finish the school year and don't learn what they missed in thoose weeks.”)

There are few transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. The transitions that are used are limited. (“I just think make up days are the right thing to do.”)

The conclusion is brief and does little to summarize the ideas present. It attempts to provide readers with some sense of closure, but it is not completely successful. (“ Again ‘If you miss school you missed out!’”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates use of simple language and word choice along with some awareness of audience and control of voice. He/she relies on using simple sentences in the essay with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentences in the essay lack a well-developed structure. Some sentences are fragmented. (“ You are not just robbing the school for money you are robbing yourself.”)

Essays at this level often contain sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they contain sentences that are too short and lack sophistication. Usually, this indicates a lack of variety in sentence structure. In this case, many sentences merely restate the obvious. The writer should avoid unnecessary summarizing. (“ Thats why I agree to make up days for school.”)

Some words are used or spelled incorrectly, which changes their meaning. For example, the writer’s intent can be inferred, but it slows readers down when words are used incorrectly. (“ You miss some of social life and knowlage, its a loose loose.”)

Some essays at this level contain some errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, spelling, and punctuation that may interfere with the communication of the writer's message.

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“Imagine a blizzard that knocked out the power for a couple of weeks, and you finish the school year and don't learn what they missed in thoose weeks. Thats why I agree to make up days for school.”)

Essays at this level contain some errors in mechanics and conventions, and the errors that are present may impede meaning. For example, the writer does commit some spelling errors that damage his/her credibility, but readers can still infer the writer's intent. (“You miss some of social life and knowlage, its a loose loose.”)

The use of periods or semicolons would improve readability. (“You are not just robbing the school for money you are robbing yourself.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If the state requires every school to make up days for the hurricanes that came I don't think we nee to makeup because of the snow.

It's not our felt that it's not safe to go to school when a snow storm hits or during a hurricane. It's not right that they make us makeup days for the dangerous snow that strike us and makes us miss 3,4, or even 5 days of school!! And even days off from Christmas, Labor Day, Thankgiving And othe important and fun holidays. And this is just to make up days from harmful storms. This year we have to suffer from 4 diffrent storms Fay, Joshpine, Ike and Gustav and we got the effects of this storms and because of that these people are that we have to make up days from important holidays like a couple days from Christmas and some thankgiving and my opion is that they made a very crewl descion to make us miss out on the holidays. Thats what I would.

So I really disagree on making up days just because some stom hit us Ireally dont think it's fair so I'm asking please dont make us suffer it's not our felt.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer includes a minimally focused thesis that provides the readers with a basic understanding of what the essay will discuss. (“If the state requires every school to make up days for the hurricanes that came I don't think we nee to makeup because of the snow.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“ It's not our felt that it's not safe to go to school when a snow storm hits or during a hurricane. It's not right that they make us makeup days for the dangerous snow that strike us and makes us miss 3,4, or even 5 days of school!!”)

The writer includes only minimal background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay. (“It's not our felt that it's not safe to go to school when a snow storm hits or during a hurricane.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position. The writer may or may not consider readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. Evidence that is provided has very little or no supporting details. The ideas that are presented are difficult to understand due to other errors. (“It's not our felt that it's not safe to go to school when a snow storm hits or during a hurricane.”)

Essays should include at least three main ideas as evidence. In this case, the writer only includes one. (“ It's not right that they make us makeup days for the dangerous snow that strike us and makes us miss 3,4, or even 5 days of school!!”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. In this case, the writer includes a few real-life examples that help readers to understand the main idea presented. This helps to give the writer’s argument some credibility. (“ This year we have to suffer from 4 diffrent storms Fay, Joshpine, Ike and Gustav and we got the effects of this storms and because of that these people are that we have to make up days from important holidays like a couple days from Christmas and some thankgiving and my opion is that they made a very crewl descion to make us miss out on the holidays”)

There is little or no attempt to address readers' concerns or possible counterarguments.

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. There is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not use paragraphs to separate ideas.

In this case, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. It provides a minimally developed thesis statement. In addition, there is very little background information provided to help readers understand the purpose of the essay. (“If the state requires every school to make up days for the hurricanes that came I don't think we nee to makeup because of the snow.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ So I really disagree on making up days just because some stom hit us Ireally dont think it's fair so I'm asking please dont make us suffer it's not our felt.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion. The writer tries to provide readers with a sense of closure, but few ideas are summarized in the essay’s closing paragraph. (“ So I really disagree on making up days just because some stom hit us Ireally dont think it's fair so I'm asking please dont make us suffer it's not our felt.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive, persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Words like “suffer” help to explain how difficult it can be to miss school. (“This year we have to suffer from 4 diffrent storms Fay, Joshpine, Ike and Gustav…”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Some sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“ This year we have to suffer from 4 diffrent storms Fay, Joshpine, Ike and Gustav and we got the effects of this storms and because of that these people are that we have to make up days from important holidays like a couple days from Christmas and some thankgiving and my opion is that they made a very crewl descion to make us miss out on the holidays”)

Some sentences may end abruptly or be fragmented. (“Thats what I would.”)

Essays at this level often contain errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, spelling, and punctuation that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Some words are spelled incorrectly. Readers may be able to infer the writer’s intent, but they may need to reread some sentences. (“If the state requires every school to make up days for the hurricanes that came I don't think we nee to makeup because of the snow.”)

Period and comma usage is especially poor. The writer should remember to include a period at the end of every sentence. (“So I really disagree on making up days just because some stom hit us Ireally dont think it's fair so I'm asking please dont make us suffer it's not our felt.”)

Generally, essays at this level contain serious errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present may impede the writer's meaning. Readers may be able to infer the writer’s intent, but errors of this nature damage the writer’s credibility. (“So I really disagree on making up days just because some stom hit us Ireally dont think it's fair so I'm asking please dont make us suffer it's not our felt.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

We would get extra work that can be very overwhelming for kids and It's hard to believe the principal would even consider make us go to school during our time off. Giving us more time in school is a dumb thing the principal should do most students would be outraged to go to school when they could be play outside insted. Even though employees may lose income we could always have less days off next year.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. (“We would get extra work that can be very overwhelming for kids and It's hard to believe the principal would even consider make us go to school during our time off.”)

The writer does not include sufficient background information for readers to understand the purpose of the essay. (“We would get extra work that can be very overwhelming for kids and It's hard to believe the principal would even consider make us go to school during our time off.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by using appropriate language. (“Giving us more time in school is a dumb thing the principal should do most students would be outraged to go to school when they could be play outside instead.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments or the writer ’s position.

The writer does little to consider readers’ opposing viewpoints or counterarguments. In this case, the writer acknowledges employees may lose income but offers very little evidence to counter this argument. (“ Even though employees may lose income we could always have less days off next year.”)

There are very few concrete ideas that support the essay’s main idea. The ideas that are present are difficult to understand or place in context because there is no clear thesis. (“ We would get extra work that can be very overwhelming for kids and It's hard to believe the principal would even consider make us go to school during our time off.”)

There are few or no main ideas in the body paragraphs. The ideas that are provided are not well developed and contain few supporting details. (“ Even though employees may lose income we could always have less days off next year.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. The writer demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The opening sentence is not creative and does little to engage readers. There is no thesis statement and no background information provided. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt will be unable to infer the purpose of the essay. (“We would get extra work that can be very overwhelming for kids and It's hard to believe the principal would even consider make us go to school during our time off.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. There is no use of paragraphing.

There is no concluding paragraph. Concluding ideas are brief and do not give readers a sense of closure. (“Even though employees may lose income we could always have less days off next year.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive, persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Word choice is generally poor and too informal for the audience. (“Giving us more time in school is a dumb thing the principal should do most students would be outraged to go to school when they could be play outside insted.”) The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms and more specific words or phrases.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ Giving us more time in school is a dumb thing the principal should do most students would be outraged to go to school when they could be play outside insted.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. The writer should break up his/her sentences into shorter, easier-to-understand statements. (“ Giving us more time in school is a dumb thing the principal should do most students would be outraged to go to school when they could be play outside insted.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, spelling, or punctuation that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph. In this case, the essay is too brief to fully assess the writer’s capabilities.

The errors in mechanics and conventions are so severe in this essay that they significantly undermine the writer’s credibility and message coherence. Period and comma usage is particularly poor. (“Giving us more time in school is a dumb thing the principal should do most students would be outraged to go to school when they could be play outside insted.”)

Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions that often impede meaning. Common mistakes damage the writer’s credibility.

What Does Your School Need?

Schools do their best to accommodate students' needs by providing textbooks, well-qualified teachers, and
other appropriate resources. However, students rarely get a chance to share what they really think their schools need most.

Write a letter to your principal explaining what you think your school needs to provide you with an even better educational experience. Make sure to include specific details and examples to support your arguments.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My middle school has done a fine job of educating young pupils and fulfilling their needs. We have many fun events and an interesting way to tell the morning news. Yet, our school is lacking one thing. Students here get to speak their mind about their classes, actions, and our teachers, but we never get to speak up about what we eat and drink. I think students should get to choose the way the food is made, priced, and distributed as it goes into our mouths.

First of all, I would like our food and water to be cleaner and cheaper. The quality of our food is below average. Why? I think it would be a lot more enjoyable if we didn't have to find things like hair and flies in our food. Not only is it unhealthy, it's gross. I also feel that the school is taking more than its share of money. Once, when I was getting Asian Bar, they ran out of chow mein and orange chicken, so they gave us a bag of chips and the remaining rice. They also made us pay the full price for this meager restitution, but didn't let us buy something else. I don't think rice and Lays equal $1.75, but pardon me if I'm wrong.

Second, what happened to our water? I think our hard working Downey-to-New York'ers should be able to quench their thirst after two miles! The problem with Gatorade is that it's incredibly sugary. It is also an energy drink, so it should be drank after a hard work out. The juices aren't really in good condition as some of them are leaking at the bottom. Even if the juices were top notch and the Gatorade refreshing, our bodies need water. Gatorade and juice won't do. We need water. There is the option of drinking from the water fountain, but I found a mosquito in one and the last time I checked, it wasn't removed for four weeks.

Next, somebody needs to realize that though the food is quite tasty normally, it isn't very healthy. Pizza everyday doesn't supply you with the nutrients you need for life and for schoolwork. This may not seem to be a big ordeal, but too much fat and cholesterol will cause cancer. The school should be preventing that. We can bring lunches from home, but that means that we don't buy the lunch from school. That means that the school won't get the money for the lunch. If we spend our money on a meal that is worth it, it will work out for both of us.

Finally, our campus is filthy, and by this, I'm not referring to the trash. Everyday, I spend five minutes walking around the school, looking for one table that has at least a foot of space that isn't covered in bird poop. That is disgusting. Did you know bird poop may have diseases? I also find the bees irritating. Every time I sit down to eat, at least one comes flying up to you and buzzes annoyingly near your food and won't go away. I think our school should have the decency to rid of things like that. The students will be more eager to pick up trash if they see that this campus is extremely comfortable and nice because it benefits them as well.

As you can see, if the situations change, we will have happy students, a profitable school, and a clean campus. Happy students will give money to the school, who will keep the campus and food in good condition, and will keep the students happy. It works out for us all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this insightful essay, the author establishes and maintains a convincing thesis. (“I think students should get to choose the way the food is made, priced, and distributed as it goes into our mouths.”) This response demonstrates the writer’s ability to persuade his/her audience by effectively developing support, understanding the audience, and thoroughly completing all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

This essay effectively develops the author’s arguments using specific and relevant details. In the first body paragraph, the writer attempts to convince readers that the quality of food in his/her school is below average. What makes this argument so effective is the wide variety of supporting information the author offers. (“Once, when I was getting Asian Bar, they ran out of chow mein and orange chicken, so they gave us a bag of chips and the remaining rice.”) Additionally, the author fully develops two more compelling reasons—the poor quality of the drinking water, and the unhealthiness of the food. These detailed and comprehensive arguments skillfully communicate and extend the central idea of this persuasive response. In the body of the essay, effective counterarguments and rebuttals can be noted as well. (“We can bring lunches from home, but that means that we don't buy the lunch from school. That means that the school won't get the money for the lunch. If we spend our money on a meal that is worth it, it will work out for both of us.”)

Organization

This response demonstrates an entirely unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph starts off strong by attracting the reader’s attention (“My middle school has done a fine job of educating young pupils and fulfilling their needs. We have many fun events and an interesting way to tell the morning news. Yet, our school is lacking one thing. Students here get to speak their mind about their classes, actions, and our teachers, but we never get to speak up about what we eat and drink”), and it ends in a focused thesis statement. Each of the body paragraphs begins with a transitional phrase and proceeds to focus on one specific argument. The concluding paragraph summarizes the three supporting ideas and continues to persuade the reader. (“As you can see, if the situations change, we will have happy students, a profitable school, and a clean campus. Happy students will give money to the school, who will keep the campus and food in good condition, and will keep the students happy. It works out for us all.”)

Language Use & Style

It is clear that this author has a good sense of his/her intended audience and effectively uses precise word choice to communicate with them. Additionally, the writer successfully creates an appropriately defined voice. (“Yet, our school is lacking one thing. Students here get to speak their mind about their classes, actions, and our teachers, but we never get to speak up about what we eat and drink. I think students should get to choose the way the food is made, priced, and distributed as it goes into our mouths.”) The essay’s use of language is artfully communicated through well-structured and varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

While not without error, the essay underscores the author’s strong control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Although a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present (“I think our school should have the decency to rid of things like that.”), they do not interfere with the presentation of this essay.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Principal,

Why do you give us very little, unhealthy food, with high prices? $.75 for a small pouch of cheese, that is mind blowingly outrageous. Since last year, the cafeteria has been charging a quarter more this year. You might say that we give lunch to the poor people, but not everyobdy in school gets free lunch, only the poor people do. What about the medium class people? They are not rich enough to buy food. They hardly could afford these barbaric meals. Parents sometimes give too much money and sometimes forget or not have enough money for their beloved kids to have lunch. Plus, the poor people have a very little amount of money to spend for lunch.

Monthly, students spend fifty or more dollars for food and that is only in school and just for lunch, but what about snack? That is like getting a new video game every month. Mr, Principal, you tried to make a profit out of us so easily as were some kind of tool that gives you money. We went to markets to get these products for our students and transportation costs gas. Since last year, the gas prices went down, but the food prices went up. So altogether, it still doesn't even out. In addition, to not being fair, we don't have reccess. Instead, we have snack. Snack is where people buy even more food. In elementary, at the same exact time, we had reccess and you would go outside and play some sports. Sports make you run around and lose weight. While in middle school, we have snack and you gain weight instead of losing weight. To add to all of this, before you became principal we had many, many activities in campus. Those activites are now gone because of you. So you can't say that you raised food prices for school purposes. For all we know, you are probably keeping all the money to yourselves.

Our parents give us a set amount of money, 10-30 dollars a week. That's how much an average person eats at school.

Since the school is buying these products from markets, they get discounts. While we have to pay more and they pay less. Is that fair? Alot of kids in America are overweight and all of those kids go to school. That is precisely how these kids got obese. It is definetely all because of school. Also, being obese means having a risk of high blood pressures or cholestrol problems. Due to this fact this way, these obese people have a shorter life span. Who is to blame when obese students die at age 30 or 40? It is the school's fault of course.

Young scholars like us can't always afford these things. They cost too much money and people can starve for rest for the day. Which is around 8 hours. Mr. Principal, you might say that students can get lunch from home. Students can get lunch from home but buying all the bags and preparing and that stuff can be such a nuisance. Students need a healthy appetite of food. Food at school is too unhealthy and students need something healthy for tests and stuff. Students all over the quad always ask for money because they can't afford food at school. They also claim that they starve for days not eating anything at school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author establishes a strong persuasive controlling idea in his/her introductory sentences (“Mr. Principal, Why do you give us very little, unhealthy food, with high prices? $.75 for a small pouch of cheese, that is mind blowingly outrageous. Since last year, the cafeteria has been charging a quarter more this year.”) and maintains it throughout the length of the essay. The essay supports its thesis with several legitimate reasons (“Monthly, students spend fifty or more dollars for food and that is only in school and just for lunch, but what about snack?”), which demonstrate an understanding of the audience and the assigned task.

Content & Development

Three central reasons make up the backbone of this argument. Each reason is supported sufficiently with specific and accurate details and examples. (“Since the school is buying these products from markets, they get discounts. While we have to pay more and they pay less. Is that fair?”) The student accurately addresses many counterarguments that could be provided by the principal. (“Mr. Principal, you might say that students can get lunch from home. Students can get lunch from home but buying all the bags and preparing and that stuff can be such a nuisance.”)

Organization

This response demonstrates a mostly unified structure. The introduction establishes the author’s passionate reaction to this prompt. (“You might say that we give lunch to the poor people, but not everyobdy in school gets free lunch, only the poor people do. What about the medium class people? They are not rich enough to buy food. They hardly could afford these barbaric meals.”) Each body paragraph is focused on developing its supporting argument. (“ Alot of kids in America are overweight and all of those kids go to school. That is precisely how these kids got obese. It is definetely all because of school. Also, being obese means having a risk of high blood pressures or cholestrol problems. Due to this fact this way, these obese people have a shorter life span. Who is to blame when obese students die at age 30 or 40? It is the school's fault of course.”) The conclusion summarizes the essay’s most important points.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use and style help support the tone of the essay. (“ Parents sometimes give too much money and sometimes forget or not have enough money for their beloved kids to have lunch. Plus, the poor people have a very little amount of money to spend for lunch.”) The sentences are well-structured and varied, which adds to the overall style of this essay. (“To add to all of this, before you became principal we had many, many activities in campus. Those activites are now gone because of you. So you can't say that you raised food prices for school purposes. For all we know, you are probably keeping all the money to yourselves.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. A few errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling (“reccess, definitely, cholesterol”) are present but do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr.Principal,

Our school needs help. In order for our to be a better place we may need some of the following things. First, we may need new textbooks. Next we also need lockers, not PE lockers, but lockers that are outside. Last but not least, if you could, it is best if we have smaller class size.

First, one of my ideas to make our school a better place is to have a new textbook. Also it is even better if we could have more textbook so that students don't have to share. In addition, if we have more textbook students don't have to carry their textbooks around. Also if you could, please try to get a new textbook that is up to date. With textbook that are up to date students could learn better which will make our school a better place.

Next, Another idea to make our school a better place is by having smaller class size. By having smaller class size, students will learn better. For example, say there are class with 30 students, The wills have a harder time getting passes a chapter because some students might have fell behind and need time to catch up.

Last but not least, my third idea to make our school a better place is by having outside lockers. By having that, students then don not have to carry their textbook around. Also, students could store their procession such as equipment for project or equipment for after school activity such as football or basketball.

Overall, I think that our school needs to be a better place. In order for that to happen we may need to change our school a litter bit. We could have new and better textbooks. We could also have outside lockers. We could try to have smaller class size.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author describes three areas where improvement is needed. (“ First, we may need new textbooks. Next we also need lockers, not PE lockers, but lockers that are outside. Last but not least, if you could, it is best if we have smaller class size.”) This response establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the audience. Through his/her analysis and development, the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the task.

Content & Development

This author develops his/her thesis using some accurate and relevant arguments. (“ Also if you could, please try to get a new textbook that is up to date. With textbook that are up to date students could learn better which will make our school a better place.”) Although the arguments could be further developed with more specific details and examples, the author’s reasoning remains adequate and persuasive.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a satisfactory organizational structure. The introductory paragraph is adequate in its attempt to clearly state three things that his/her school needs. Although the body paragraphs accurately support their premise, they are lacking in supporting details. The conclusion simply repeats the introduction, leaving the reader desiring additional elaboration. (“Overall, I think that our school needs to be a better place. In order for that to happen we may need to change our school a litter bit. We could have new and better textbooks. We could also have outside lockers. We could try to have smaller class size.”)

Language Use & Style

Although the author’s writing style is simple, for the most part, the language use is appropriate. Aside from the occasional basic error (“By having that, students then don not have to carry their textbook around. Also, students could store their procession such as equipment for project or equipment for after school activity such as football or basketball.”), the essay demonstrates generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

While some errors in mechanics and conventions are present (“For example, say there are class with 30 students, The wills have a harder time getting passes a chapter because some students might have fell behind and need time to catch up.”), the majority of the mistakes in grammar, spelling, and punctuation do not significantly interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr.Principal,

Our school needs many things to make our school more educational and better. I have many solutions to this problem. Things like field trips, more guest speakers, dancing fundraisers, and more. The topic I really want to focus on is having more field trips.

The school has to learn how to cooperate and have the knowlage to undertand that the students need more fieldtrips to have more educatNot one! Kids who get to have field trips are the majority of the time in clubs or in gate, what about the kids who cant be in those things? The want to have field trips to. having more field trips would solve ; the percentage of how many people get d's or f's in a class because they dont have places to go and get different perspectives of different people.

Yes field trips do have there risks like losing kids, no volunteering chaprones, no dicipline, and most of all having the students being direspectful to the property. One of the problems that come to mind are not having enough money to pay for the tickets or for the trnsportation, you cant get anywhere unless u have transportation!!!

Well now as you can see field trips are needed in our society here at middle school. I appriciate your time to read my request.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author attempts to establish an opinion in response to the prompt. Although this student is obviously demonstrating effort in attempting to convince the reader (“Things like field trips, more guest speakers, dancing fundraisers, and more. The topic I really want to focus on is having more field trips. ”), the argument is limited in its development and persuasive capabilities. This response completes some parts of the task.

Content & Development

The arguments in support of the controlling idea are limited and insufficient. (“The want to have field trips to. having more field trips would solve ; the percentage of how many people get d's or f's in a class because they dont have places to go and get different perspectives of different people.”) The two body paragraphs use few specific and relevant details. Furthermore, the content focuses too much on the counterargument, one of the two body paragraphs, and, therefore, fails to fully support the student’s stance.

Organization

This essay displays a lackluster attempt at creating an organizational structure. Although both an introduction and conclusion are provided, neither of them is fully developed. (“Well now as you can see field trips are needed in our society here at middle school. I appriciate your time to read my request.”) Since there are only two body paragraphs, this essay lacks transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This response uses simple language and sentence structure. (“The school has to learn how to cooperate and have the knowlage to undertand that the students need more fieldtrips to have more educatNot one!”) However, some awareness of audience and voice can be detected. (“Yes field trips do have there risks like losing kids, no volunteering chaprones, no dicipline, and most of all having the students being direspectful to the property.”) Nevertheless, overall there is insufficient word choice, style, and language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates a limited control over the use of mechanics and conventions with several errors noticeable. However, the errors in spelling (“knowlage”), punctuation, and grammar (“Well now as you can see field trips are needed in our society here at middle school.”) do not significantly interfere with the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Principle

Our school needs many changes but having a bigger library would fit best under the category of learning. First a bigger library means more books, and more books means more reading. What more could a teacher ask for? I understand that it will not be easy, that it takes money and that money doesn't grow on trees. A solution to that problem would be a fundraiser or donations. I am sure if parents

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author obviously attempts to state a position on this issue, but the attempt is unclear and demonstrates a poor understanding of the task. (“Our school needs many changes but having a bigger library would fit best under the category of learning.”) In this short response, the author only completes few parts of the task.

Content & Development

Some details are presented to support the essay’s position, but these reasons are undeveloped and insufficient. (“First a bigger library means more books, and more books means more reading.”) The argument is minimal because it lacks elaboration with examples, facts, and details.

Organization

In such a brief response, it is difficult to detect any semblance of organization. There is no structured introduction or conclusion, only a single body paragraph with one significant detail. (“Our school needs many changes but having a bigger library would fit best under the category of learning. First a bigger library means more books, and more books means more reading. What more could a teacher ask for? I understand that it will not be easy, that it takes money and that money doesn't grow on trees. A solution to that problem would be a fundraiser or donations. I am sure if parents”)

Language Use & Style

This author demonstrates minimal language use and word choice in his/her response. The sentence structure is simple with little variety, and there are a few basic errors in sentence structure. However, there is some awareness of audience and control of voice. (“What more could a teacher ask for? I understand that it will not be easy, that it takes money and that money doesn't grow on trees.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Although this response is quite short, it is still evident that the author has adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. There are, however, a couple of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling (“Principle”) that are evident in this short response, but that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear principal.

I think that sometimes it gets a little too hot out and we have P.E out side but dont you think we get a littel eratated of being in the heat all P.E. Some kids get sick but dont you think if we werent in the heat all day we woald have better attendens. I think we should have a gym other schools in the other Districts like fore exsampel

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes some effort at stating an opinion (“I think we should have a gym other schools in the other Districts”), his/her position is unclear and does not demonstrate an understanding of the purpose of this task. The author states one reason for his/her position and does not explain it. (“Some kids get sick but dont you think if we werent in the heat all day we woald have better attendens.”) Thus, this essay completes no part of the task.

Content & Development

No details are provided to support the author’s single reason for having a school gym. (“I think that sometimes it gets a little too hot out and we have P.E out side but dont you think we get a littel eratated of being in the heat all P.E”) With such little evidence and support, the reader is likely to remain unconvinced of the soundness of the author’s position.

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to detect any organizational structure. There is no introduction or conclusion in this cluster of words. (“I think that sometimes it gets a little too hot out and we have P.E out side but dont you think we get a littel eratated of being in the heat all P.E. Some kids get sick but dont you think if we werent in the heat all day we woald have better attendens. I think we should have a gym other schools in the other Districts like fore exsampel”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language is both unclear and incoherent. The lack of sentence structure is distracting to the reader and hinders the author’s ability to communicate. The sentences are not punctuated or properly formed. Word choice is inappropriate. (“I think we should have a gym other schools in the other Districts like fore exsampel”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer lacks the ability to control the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. The entire response consists of three run-on sentences. The errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling are so severe that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“I think that sometimes it gets a little too hot out and we have P.E out side but dont you think we get a littel eratated of being in the heat all P.E. Some kids get sick but dont you think if we werent in the heat all day we woald have better attendens. I think we should have a gym other schools in the other Districts like fore exsampel”)

Winning Halloween Costume

You have been invited to a large Halloween contest in which there will be a $100 reward for the best costume. You believe that your idea for a costume would be the winner, but you need your parents to help pay for the materials to create it. Write a persuasive letter to your parents asking for money to help fund your winning costume. Include reasons to support your request.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Letter

Dearest Mother,

"I opened my eyes in terror. The idea so possessed my mind that a thrill of fear ran through me, and I wished to exchange the ghastly image of my fancy for the realities around me." Now, Mom, I am sure that Mary Shelley's Frankenstein is very familiar. I had a revelation incredibly similar to the one that she wrote about. See, I was recently invited to this colossal Halloween blowout down the street. Everyone will come in costume, and the person with the best one wins a cash prize of one hundred dollars. I have the greatest, most unconventional, creative idea ever thought of in the history of thoughts. I will attend this party as the Wicked Witch of the East (also known as Nessarose Thropp in Wicked)-the one in the wheelchair; a house falls on her, remember? Undoubtedly, I am going to be the victor of the competition. My dilemma is ... I need a small sum of money. In essence, though, it will be as if no money is being spent whatsoever.

I know that I will win this costume contest, which, in turn, will earn me a hundred dollars. One hundred dollars is way more than the infinitesimal bit of money I need. After my victory, I will reimburse the expenses immediately, I do so solemnly swear. So, essentially, I am paying for the materials to concoct this marvelous costume. I am practically asking myself for money! I just need the money to pay for the materials now, so that I will have my costume ready by the time the competition rolls around. That way, I will be able to pay back the expenses and have my own money so that I will not be continually pestering either of my parents for it.

It is unjust not to pay for my costume, Mother. Logan frequently receives gas money, and all he simply has to do is ask for it! One tank of gasoline costs roughly seventy dollars. The tiny amount of money I need is much less than seventy dollars! It is definitely, undeniably unfair not to fund my costume. If I am not provided with this money, Logan will officially be the favorite child, and I will feel worthless. My self-esteem will drop, and as a resulting effect, my grades in school. I mean, if my own mother does not love me enough to pay a measly amount of money for a costume but will willingly provide my brother with an endless supply of it, then I am totally useless and there is no point in me continuing to try hard and exceed in my schoolwork. It will not impress her either way; I am unloved. If given the money, I will not feel as such. So, be fair and buy materials for me, please. Dad would give it to me-do not be cheap!

I realize and can sincerely understand why funding this project seems unthinkable, Mom. If I do not win, reimbursement will not be quick. What, with the shape the economy is currently in, money is scarce and it is unthinkable to spend it on frivolous things such as materials for a costume. All of those reasons are extremely understandable and make a lot of sense. I will not die or do anything of the sort, for that matter, if not provided the money, Mom.

Mother, I severely need this money for my breathtaking costume. Without it, I will be totally heart-broken and dejected. It is a total win-win situation. I will work for the money and pay back the costs as well! It is also not fair or just at all that you would give Logan money and not me. I know I deserve this money, so why withhold it from me? Take out that purse and hand over the money!

Sincerely,

Shelby

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This letter exhibits very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the readers. He/she demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and completes all parts of the task. After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with a thesis statement. (“ See, I was recently invited to this colossal Halloween blowout down the street. Everyone will come in costume, and the person with the best one wins a cash prize of one hundred dollars. . . . I need a small sum of money. In essence, though, it will be as if no money is being spent whatsoever.”) All of the details used in the letter effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I know that I will win this costume contest, which, in turn, will earn me a hundred dollars. One hundred dollars is way more than the infinitesimal bit of money I need.”) The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; he/she does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“It is unjust not to pay for my costume, Mother. Logan frequently receives gas money, and all he simply has to do is ask for it! One tank of gasoline costs roughly seventy dollars.”)

Content & Development

This letter exhibits very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments using a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, the writer subtly addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“After my victory, I will reimburse the expenses immediately, I do so solemnly swear. So, essentially, I am paying for the materials to concoct this marvelous costume. I am practically asking myself for money!”) The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Logan frequently receives gas money, and all he simply has to do is ask for it! One tank of gasoline costs roughly seventy dollars. The tiny amount of money I need is much less than seventy dollars!”) Finally, the writer’s details are convincing. (“One hundred dollars is way more than the infinitesimal bit of money I need. After my victory, I will reimburse the expenses immediately, I do so solemnly swear.”)

Organization

This letter demonstrates very effective organization. It exhibits a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; also, effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is seen throughout. In particular, the writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“See, I was recently invited to this colossal Halloween blowout down the street. Everyone will come in costume, and the person with the best one wins a cash prize of one hundred dollars. I have the greatest, most unconventional, creative idea ever thought of in the history of thoughts.”) Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“After my victory, I will reimburse the expenses immediately, I do so solemnly swear. So, essentially, I am paying for the materials to concoct this marvelous costume.”) The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Mother, I severely need this money for my breathtaking costume. Without it, I will be totally heart-broken and dejected. It is a total win-win situation.”)

Language Use & Style

This letter exhibits very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, he/she uses well-structured and varied sentences throughout. T he writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I realize and can sincerely understand why funding this project seems unthinkable, Mom. If I do not win, reimbursement will not be quick. What, with the shape the economy is currently in, money is scarce and it is unthinkable to spend it on frivolous things such as materials for a costume.”) The writer uses varied sentences in his/her letter by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“What, with the shape the economy is currently in, money is scarce and it is unthinkable to spend it on frivolous things such as materials for a costume.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the letter. (“It is unjust not to pay for my costume, Mother. Logan frequently receives gas money, and all he simply has to do is ask for it! One tank of gasoline costs roughly seventy dollars. The tiny amount of money I need is much less than seventy dollars! It is definitely, undeniably unfair not to fund my costume.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This letter demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ So, essentially, I am paying for the materials to concoct this marvelous costume. I am practically asking myself for money! I just need the money to pay for the materials now, so that I will have my costume ready by the time the competition rolls around. That way, I will be able to pay back the expenses and have my own money so that I will not be continually pestering either of my parents for it.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Letter

Dear Mom and Dad,

I've always heard you talking about winning prizes and saying how we should grab every opportunity we can when we see a great prize available. And so, there is a one-hundred dollar reward for the best Halloween costume. I want to be the one that wins, but first I need your help. I want to make an angel costume, I had a vision that an angel would be best and so I need you to help me buy the materials that I need to make it. Not only that, let this be a lesson to me, to teach me about determination, hard work, and perseverance.

If you buy me the materials I would be just a step closer to my dream costume; buying me the materials and allowing me to make this will teach me about sewing, working hard, and determination. It might help me imagine what life had been live many, many centuries ago. I can relive the past like those women who had to sew all day long. I can see it now, I'm sitting on my desk with the lamp on, sewing and folding and working my way to one hundred dollars! When I show everyone my costume they would be astonished and give me my money! I will learn how to make clothing and I would definitely feel proud about it. This would be a great working experience, too.

This will teach me to be hard working because if I want to make this costume I have to be hard working so I can get the job done. I will have to work to complete this goal and it can prepare me for the future that lies ahead, teaching me that I have to work hard to get to my dreams and succeed in life. This will teach me to be determined because determination will keep alive and working hard to finish my angel costume.

Allowing me to make my costume and actually finish it will cause a great sense of pride within. I will feel wonderful and maybe even build some confidence in myself now that I know I can accomplish something so great. It's like when you learn to swim or ride a bike; when you finally learn, you feel really good inside. This can even give me self-esteem. Self-esteem is an emotion that can be really help in the future when you work to reach your dreams.

If you don't want to buy me the supplies because it's too expensive, I can assure I will pay you back in any way I can, and when I do win the competition, paying you back should be no problem. If you think I will give up half way through, think again. I can assure you that I will finish this project because I'm a hard working and determined person. If you I will slack off of homework just so I can make my costume your wrong too, I've made a list of what to do, so I will be working efficiently, so no worries!

Permitting me to make this costume with show you that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I'm determined enough to work to make this angel costume. It will teach me to be hard working and prepare me for the future. Of course, the biggest reason would be to make you proud and prove to you that I can accomplish something like making clothes and me being able to make one hundred dollars. So please, please buy me my supplies so I can create my masterpiece. I'm counting on you to help me be a part of this! All I need is a chance.

With all my hope,

Tiffani

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This letter exhibits very good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion to persuade readers. The letter demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience; additionally, the writer completes most parts of the task. In particular, the writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a surprising fact. (“I've always heard you talking about winning prizes and saying how we should grab every opportunity we can when we see a great prize available. And so, there is a one-hundred dollar reward for the best Halloween costume.”) The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I want to be the one that wins, but first I need your help. I want to make an angel costume, I had a vision that an angel would be best and so I need you to help me buy the materials that I need to make it. Not only that, let this be a lesson to me, to teach me about determination, hard work, and perseverance.”) All of the details used in the letter relate to the writer’s opinion. (“If you buy me the materials I would be just a step closer to my dream costume; buying me the materials and allowing me to make this will teach me about sewing, working hard, and determination.”)

Content & Development

This letter demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops arguments using specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Specifically, the writer includes interesting facts and anecdotes that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ I will feel wonderful and maybe even build some confidence in myself now that I know I can accomplish something so great. It's like when you learn to swim or ride a bike; when you finally learn, you feel really good inside. This can even give me self-esteem. ”) The writer addresses readers’ concerns in different ways. (“ If you don't want to buy me the supplies because it's too expensive, I can assure I will pay you back in any way I can, and when I do win the competition, paying you back should be no problem. ”) Additionally, the writer’s details are convincing. (“ I can assure you that I will finish this project because I'm a hard working and determined person. ”)

Organization

This letter exhibits good organization. There is a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is also consistent use of paragraphing devices throughout. Initially, the writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“I've always heard you talking about winning prizes and saying how we should grab every opportunity we can when we see a great prize available. And so, there is a one-hundred dollar reward for the best Halloween costume.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“This will teach me to be hard working because if I want to make this costume I have to be hard working so I can get the job done. I will have to work to complete this goal and it can prepare me for the future that lies ahead, teaching me that I have to work hard to get to my dreams and succeed in life.”) The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“So please, please buy me my supplies so I can create my masterpiece. I'm counting on you to help me be a part of this! All I need is a chance.”)

Language Use & Style

This letter demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, well-structured sentences with some variety are present. Specifically, the writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“If you buy me the materials I would be just a step closer to my dream costume; buying me the materials and allowing me to make this will teach me about sewing, working hard, and determination. It might help me imagine what life had been live many, many centuries ago.”) The writer uses varied sentences in his/her letter by including sentences with exclamations or questions. (“So please, please buy me my supplies so I can create my masterpiece. I'm counting on you to help me be a part of this!”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the letter. (“Allowing me to make my costume and actually finish it will cause a great sense of pride within. I will feel wonderful and maybe even build some confidence in myself now that I know I can accomplish something so great.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This letter exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the writer’s message. For example, sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ I've always heard you talking about winning prizes and saying how we should grab every opportunity we can when we see a great prize available. And so, there is a one-hundred dollar reward for the best Halloween costume. I want to be the one that wins, but first I need your help.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Letter

Dear Mom and Dad,

Have you ever wanted to win a costume party contest? I have been invited to a large Halloween contest in which there will be a one-hundred dollars reward to the person with the best costume. I believe my idea for a spectacular costume would be the winner but, I need you my wonderful and loving parents to help me pay for the materials to create my costume.

The costume I have decided to create is a cute and gentle ladybug. You are probable wondering how will a lady bug win the contest. The way my ladybug costume will win the contest is with breath taking effects such as light, different color, and fuzzy antennas. Do you remember the spy kit you got me last Christmas that I have never used? I have found a use for them. I will create the ladybug antennas this means that the antennas will have a hearing effect. The wings on the ladybug will be created with glitter and paper. With these magnificent details my costume is sure to win.

The way I will pay you back is brilliant. You will have the choice to have half of the reward money or you can chose for me to do unhappy chores of your choice for one month. With you making the decision of your choice you are teaching me responsibility. With you teaching me responsibility I will be learning what great decision to make in life. I know that you will make the right choice.

You are more than likely considering why should you give me the money. The reason you should give me because I will be on a small budget. Being on this small budget teaches me how to deal with money in the real world. It is also good for you because I do not have to keep coming asking you for more money. With you giving me the money you are setting a good example about managing money.

I know that there is a possibility that I may not win the costume contest and that mean that you will loss some money. You will not loss no money because I can reused the costume for next Halloween. With me reusing the Halloween it saves you money from having to buy me a new costume for next year when we get candy. With the possibility of me losing the contest you will not loss anything out of the process.

I have been invited to a large Halloween costume contest which there will a one-hundred dollar reward for the best costume. I believe that my idea for the perfect costume will be the winner of the contest but, I need your help to provide the materials I need. Give me the money so I can win the contest.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This letter exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers; furthermore, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Specifically, the writer adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I believe my idea for a spectacular costume would be the winner but, I need you my wonderful and loving parents to help me pay for the materials to create my costume.”) Most of the details used in the letter relate to the writer’s opinion. (“You are probable wondering how will a lady bug win the contest. The way my ladybug costume will win the contest is with breath taking effects such as light, different color, and fuzzy antennas.”) The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. (“You are more than likely considering why should you give me the money. The reason you should give me because I will be on a small budget.”)

Content & Development

This letter demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. He/she also adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, the writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“You are more than likely considering why should you give me the money. The reason you should give me because I will be on a small budget. Being on this small budget teaches me how to deal with money in the real world.”) The writer includes some examples that illustrate his/her opinion. (“My second reason why health insurance should be for all the people is that we can go directly to the doctor. For example we easily waste time when we do not have health insurance because we have to fill out a lot of papers every time we can go.”) Furthermore, most of the details are convincing. (“With you making the decision of your choice you are teaching me responsibility. With you teaching me responsibility I will be learning what great decision to make in life. I know that you will make the right choice.”)

Organization

This letter demonstrates adequate organization. It exhibits a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; also, there is evidence of transitional and paragraphing devices. Initially, the writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Have you ever wanted to win a costume party contest? I have been invited to a large Halloween contest in which there will be a one-hundred dollars reward to the person with the best costume.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“I know that there is a possibility that I may not win the costume contest and that mean that you will loss some money. You will not loss no money because I can reused the costume for next Halloween.”) The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“I have been invited to a large Halloween costume contest which there will a one-hundred dollar reward for the best costume. I believe that my idea for the perfect costume will be the winner of the contest but, I need your help to provide the materials I need. Give me the money so I can win the contest.”)

Language Use & Style

This letter exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; he/she generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“The way I will pay you back is brilliant. You will have the choice to have half of the reward money or you can chose for me to do unhappy chores of your choice for one month.”) However, word choice and sentence structure are sometimes poor. (“I know that there is a possibility that I may not win the costume contest and that mean that you will loss some money. You will not loss no money because I can reused the costume for next Halloween.”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the letter. (“The costume I have decided to create is a cute and gentle ladybug. You are probable wondering how will a lady bug win the contest. The way my ladybug costume will win the contest is with breath taking effects such as light, different color, and fuzzy antennas.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This letter demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ The reason you should give me because I will be on a small budget. Being on this small budget teaches me how to deal with money in the real world. It is also good for you because I do not have to keep coming asking you for more money. With you giving me the money you are setting a good example about managing money.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Letter

Dear Mom,

Momma! Please, Please don't say no because you don't know what I am about to ask you for. Momma I have been invited to a large Halloween Costume contest/party in which there will be an $100 reward for the best costume and I believe that my costume would be the winner, but I need your help to pay for the materials to create it. Mom loan me some money so I can buy the materials for my princess costume, I just know it is going to be the best costume ever. Mom I always help you with every thing so pleas help me with this one thing.

Momma you know I always help around the house. I also always do my homework. I even take care of my little brother and my sisters. I have almost owned all the money I need so please just give me the money. I think this is the most breathtaking thing that ever has happen to me.

Now you know if I win this I will pay you back, mom please give me the money. I wont ever ask you for any thing ever again in mywhole life if you give me this money. Think about it I have never won any thing in my whole life, but I feel like I can win this thing.

Mom I always wanted to make my own costume, but I never got to. I have a chanes to , but you dontwant to give me the money. Please mom this is my first time asking you for something in a long time. I always use maners, and I alaways clean up my room and the kitchen. I dont even mind using my money to buy you stuff.

now I know that I might not win and it would be an wast of you money, but I can always give it to my sister. i also know that gas is very high.i also know that this is a need verses an want. But Iknow that I am going to win without an dout. Mom this is an one in a lie time chance even thought they might have it next year. if you dont do this for me iam going to be furous and I will never talk to you ever again and you dont want that do you.

Mommy Please give me the money so I can buy the materials for my costume. Mom i am a good girl I do all my work. I also know how to make my own costume but I just nedd the money. I will also pay you back! Mother Please think about you answer befor you answer. because i really want to do these.

Sincerly,

Your baby girl

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This letter demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion, but it is unclear and underdeveloped. Furthermore, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task. The letter expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“ Mom loan me some money so I can buy the materials for my princess costume, I just know it is going to be the best costume ever. Mom I always help you with every thing so pleas help me with this one thing. ”) There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“Mom I always wanted to make my own costume, but I never got to. I have a chanes to , but you dontwant to give me the money. Please mom this is my first time asking you for something in a long time. ”) The letter demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using informal language to address the intended readers. (“ Now you know if I win this I will pay you back, mom please give me the money. I wont ever ask you for any thing ever again in mywhole life if you give me this money. ”)

Content & Development

This letter demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position. The writer does not attempt to adequately address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes some explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“now I know that I might not win and it would be an wast of you money, but I can always give it to my sister. i also know that gas is very high.i also know that this is a need verses an want. But Iknow that I am going to win without an dout.”) However, explanation and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Mom this is an one in a lie time chance even thought they might have it next year. if you dont do this for me iam going to be furous and I will never talk to you ever again and you dont want that do you.”) The letter needs details that are clear and specific. (“Please mom this is my first time asking you for something in a long time. I always use maners, and I alaways clean up my room and the kitchen. I dont even mind using my money to buy you stuff.”)

Organization

This letter exhibits limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; the letter also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The letter demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“Momma! Please, Please don't say no because you don't know what I am about to ask you for. Momma I have been invited to a large Halloween Costume contest/party in which there will be an $100 reward for the best costume and I believe that my costume would be the winner, but I need your help to pay for the materials to create it.”) The limited use of transitional devices may not lead readers to a logical conclusion. (“Now you know if I win this I will pay you back, mom please give me the money. I wont ever ask you for any thing ever again in mywhole life if you give me this money.”) The letter does not include a strong conclusion. (“Mommy Please give me the money so I can buy the materials for my costume. Mom i am a good girl I do all my work. I also know how to make my own costume but I just nedd the money. I will also pay you back! Mother Please think about you answer befor you answer. because i really want to do these.”)

Language Use & Style

This letter demonstrates limited language use and style. It exhibits simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, the letter exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“Mom loan me some money so I can buy the materials for my princess costume, I just know it is going to be the best costume ever. Mom I always help you with every thing so pleas help me with this one thing. ”) Sentences in the letter lack well-developed structure. (“now I know that I might not win and it would be an wast of you money, but I can always give it to my sister. i also know that gas is very high.i also know that this is a need verses an want. But Iknow that I am going to win without an dout .”) There is a limited variety of sentences in this letter. (“Mommy Please give me the money so I can buy the materials for my costume. Mom i am a good girl I do all my work. I also know how to make my own costume but I just nedd the money. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The letter demonstrates a limited control of conventions and mechanics. It contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence contains a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“Momma! Please, Please don't say no because you don't know what I am about to ask you for. Momma I have been invited to a large Halloween Costume contest/party in which there will be an $100 reward for the best costume and I believe that my costume would be the winner, but I need your help to pay for the materials to create it. Mom loan me some money so I can buy the materials for my princess costume, I just know it is going to be the best costume ever. Mom I always help you with every thing so pleas help me with this one thing.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Letter

Dear,Mom and Dad

I was invited to a Halloween contest,and I really want to win.I need some money for a awesome costume,and I do not think my piggy bank will cover it.If I win I will leave 40% of the money for both of you to do any thing you want with it If I do not win I will do all the chores around the house,including mowing the grass for a month This will also give me something to do,and give you alone time together.

I will need a lot of shiny plastic shaped as a knights armor,and a metal sheild,and some cool designs to put on the armor ,and sheild ,also a sord I have to look realistic to win so make shore it's not a little cloth one with a plastic helmet.Hope you help me,and don't for get you get 40% of the money,or a month worth of chores off your shoulders. Please help me win the costume contest.

Love,your son,Cody.

P.S.The party is this Saturday at 5:00pm at my school so have it ready before then.

P.S.S.If you think I just want money,call the school and ask about it.

P.S.S.S.This costume will probably cost between 20-40 dallers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This letter exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion and demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes few parts of the task. The letter does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“If I win I will leave 40% of the money for both of you to do any thing you want with it If I do not win I will do all the chores around the house,including mowing the grass for a month This will also give me something to do,and give you alone time together.”) The letter demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“P.S.The party is this Saturday at 5:00pm at my school so have it ready before then.”) The letter lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Hope you help me,and don't for get you get 40% of the money,or a month worth of chores off your shoulders. Please help me win the costume contest.”)

Content & Development

The letter demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position. The writer should consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, there is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“I will need a lot of shiny plastic shaped as a knights armor,and a metal sheild,and some cool designs to put on the armor ,and sheild ,also a sord I have to look realistic to win so make shore it's not a little cloth one with a plastic helmet.”) Minimal details explain and illustrate the evidence provided. (“P.S.S.S.This costume will probably cost between 20-40 dallers.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“If I win I will leave 40% of the money for both of you to do any thing you want with it If I do not win I will do all the chores around the house,including mowing the grass for a month This will also give me something to do,and give you alone time together.”)

Organization

This letter demonstrates minimal organization. The letter exhibits little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; moreover, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the letter demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I was invited to a Halloween contest,and I really want to win.I need some money for a awesome costume,and I do not think my piggy bank will cover it.”) The letter does not contain effective supporting paragraphs. (“I will need a lot of shiny plastic shaped as a knights armor,and a metal sheild,and some cool designs to put on the armor ,and sheild ,also a sord I have to look realistic to win so make shore it's not a little cloth one with a plastic helmet.”) The letter does not include a strong conclusion. (“P.S.S.S.This costume will probably cost between 20-40 dallers.”)

Language Use & Style

The letter demonstrates minimal language use and style. The writer uses poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. In addition, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Specifically, the letter exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“If I win I will leave 40% of the money for both of you to do any thing you want with it If I do not win I will do all the chores around the house,including mowing the grass for a month This will also give me something to do,and give you alone time together.”) Sentences in the letter are not well structured. (“I will need a lot of shiny plastic shaped as a knights armor,and a metal sheild,and some cool designs to put on the armor ,and sheild ,also a sord I have to look realistic to win so make shore it's not a little cloth one with a plastic helmet.”) The variety of sentences in the letter is minimal. (“P.S.S.If you think I just want money,call the school and ask about it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, or follow capitalization conventions. (“I will need a lot of shiny plastic shaped as a knights armor,and a metal sheild,and some cool designs to put on the armor ,and sheild ,also a sord I have to look realistic to win so make shore it's not a little cloth one with a plastic helmet.Hope you help me,and don't for get you get 40% of the money,or a month worth of chores off your shoulders. Please help me win the costume contest.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Letter

Dear Parents,

I have been invited to a Halloween costome contest in which I will have the chance to win a 100 dollar reword if I make the best costome. There are alot of things that I can buy with 100 dollars. I could buy a brand new aquariun with 100 dollars.

If you don't let me go all of my friends at school will pick on me for the rest of the year for not going.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This letter demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position and little effort is made to persuade readers. The writer completes few or no parts of the task. In particular, the letter does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. It lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“I have been invited to a Halloween costome contest in which I will have the chance to win a 100 dollar reword if I make the best costome. There are alot of things that I can buy with 100 dollars. I could buy a brand new aquarium. . . . If you don't let me go all of my friends at school will pick on me for the rest of the year for not going.”)

Content & Development

This letter demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer makes little or no attempt to use details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The letter does not include details to support the stated opinion. Likewise, there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included or developed as support for the argument. (“I have been invited to a Halloween costome contest in which I will have the chance to win a 100 dollar reword if I make the best costome. There are alot of things that I can buy with 100 dollars. I could buy a brand new aquarium. . . . If you don't let me go all of my friends at school will pick on me for the rest of the year for not going.”)

Organization

This letter demonstrates inadequate organization. It contains no evidence of structure and no introduction or conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices in the letter. Specifically, the letter does not contain an effective introduction, effective supporting paragraphs, or a strong conclusion. (“I have been invited to a Halloween costome contest in which I will have the chance to win a 100 dollar reword if I make the best costome. There are alot of things that I can buy with 100 dollars. I could buy a brand new aquarium. . . . If you don't let me go all of my friends at school will pick on me for the rest of the year for not going.”)

Language Use & Style

This letter exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no awareness of audience. The letter also contains major errors in sentence structure and usage. It does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how. Also, sentences in the letter are not well structured. (“I have been invited to a Halloween costome contest in which I will have the chance to win a 100 dollar reword if I make the best costome. There are alot of things that I can buy with 100 dollars. I could buy a brand new aquarium. . . . If you don't let me go all of my friends at school will pick on me for the rest of the year for not going.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This letter demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. In particular, the writer should compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“I have been invited to a Halloween costome contest in which I will have the chance to win a 100 dollar reword if I make the best costome. There are alot of things that I can buy with 100 dollars. I could buy a brand new aquarium. . . . If you don't let me go all of my friends at school will pick on me for the rest of the year for not going.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Year-Round Schooling

“Your school is considering a move to a year-round school schedule. The year round schedule would have students attend school year-round with several three-week breaks as compared to the current school year calendar which begins in the fall and ends in the spring. Do you feel that a year-round schedule is more or less beneficial to students than the current school calendar? Write a letter to your principal persuading him or her to accept your position on a move to a year-round school schedule.”

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At the beginning of the school year every student cannot wait for one thing: summer vacation. Many have reconsidered the idea of regular schooling; that is, school that starts in the fall and ends in the beginning of summer. They have thought about implementing year-round schooling as an alternative for regular schooling. Year-round schooling is just as long as regular school but has breaks every couple of weeks in the year rather than two months full of summer vacation. Some might say, children will forget all they learned over the summer, so why not have shorter breaks more frequently so they won’t forget the materials? That is true that summer tends to take a toll on children, but by having shorter breaks more frequently children won’t be able to relax and feel the transition of the next grade up. Year-round schooling should not be incorporated in our public schools.

Teachers and administrators cannot benefit with a summer vacation when there is year-round schooling. Some teachers further their education during the summer vacation period. They can’t attend summer school courses at colleges and universities if there is year-round schooling. Teachers also have to be able to handle a constantly changing schedule and tend to spend less time with their families because of work. Many teachers will find it difficult to plan their long term year planning because of the scheduling. Teachers usually have the summer to plan what they are to cover in that class and now they only have short periods to do so.

Year-round schooling will also cause difficulties in family life. Multiple year-round schooling, as it is called, is when one group of students takes their break and another group of students come in and attend school. Many say it is a good way to accommodate more students in the school without over crowding. But on the contrary it causes more problems. Teachers have to move their materials to accommodate the other classes. Families with more than one child will find it hard to have family vacations and spend quality time with them. It is also hard for parents to find babysitters to take care of their children when they are off to work. Students cannot concentrate in class when they know that their other friends are outside playing and on their breaks.

On the other hand, people say that year round schooling is cost effective, but it really isn’t. Teachers will be working longer hours so they will get paid more and also administrators. The school will have to install air conditioning because school buildings are climate controlled all year long. Schools have to constantly hire maintenance workers to clean up after the students and also food staff. They also have to have bus transportation in the summer time, which can be very costly. Additional expenses for school related activities will also have to come out of the districts’ pockets. Funding for activities such as dances, band concerts, and also athletic equipment have to be constantly used for all the students more than once because they all have different schedules. School spirit will be low on morale since everyone has different schedules. Are there really going to be two set of ASB officers?

Year-round schooling is not always as good as everyone says it is. Its scheduling conflicts with everyone else’s daily life, it isn’t as cost effective, many school activities will be difficult to promote, and most of all it has yet to be proven educationally effective. Many of the students can’t seek opportunities such as summer jobs and internships because they have to attend school during that period. Most importantly, children need time to be children, where they can relax and have fun instead of being watched and judged all the time. They can have time to be creative and spend summer with their friends and family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are very effective . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position on the issue of year-round schooling to effectively persuade the reader that traditional schooling provides more benefits than year-round schooling. (“ Year-round schooling should not be incorporated in our public schools”). The essay also demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and successfully completes all parts of the required task.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is developed very effectively by d eveloping establishing arguments that u se a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position that year-round schooling should not be put into practice. The author also even convincingly addresses the counterargument of why some people are in favor of year-round schooling. (“ Some might say, Children will forget all they learned over the summer, so why not have shorter breaks more frequently so they won’t forget the materials?”)

Organization

The writer of this essay demonstrates an effective organizational design throughout. Readers will find a cohesive and unified, five-paragraph structure with an engaging, detailed introduction and strong conclusion, as well as the use of transitional devices. (“ On the other hand, people say that year round schooling is cost effective; but it really isn’t.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is demonstrated by the author of this essay, as it features precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Furthermore, sentences are well -structured and varied. (“ But on the contrary it causes more problems. Teachers have to move their materials to accommodate the other classes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated throughout this essay, as few errors are seen in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“ Year-round schooling isn’t always as good as everyone says it is. Its scheduling conflicts with everyone else’s daily life, it isn’t as cost effective, many school activates will be difficult to promote, and most of all it has yet to be proven educationally effective.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Are you looking forward to summer break? What if your school principal announced that there will be school year-round but will include a few three-week breaks? That is what the principal is planning to do. Students should be against this because three-week vacations are just not enough for students to enjoy themselves. Plus there won’t be summer school for students that are failing and good students have nothing to look forward to by the end of the year. Our school should not have year-round schooling.

The first reason why we shouldn’t have year-round schooling is that a three-week vacation isn’t long enough. Sometimes people go on trips for months and miss classes. Summer break is a time to let students get ready for next year, without it, school would seem endless.

The second reason is because of our summer schedule. There won’t be summer school for the students that are failing classes and also no summer classes for students that want to study ahead. It might seem ideal to move the summer school program to after school, but many students have plans after school and need much time to work on their homework or projects. Also, the students that want to study ahead cannot study a different topic at the same time because it will cause more confusion.

The last reason is because year-round schooling can frustrate many students. The school days will appear to be endless for the students and will discourage the students to learn and work hard. On the contrary, summer break is very much like a reward for students that worked hard throughout the year. It will also be hard for teachers to work year-round since the teachers need more breaks than the students do.

Having school continuously for a whole year can cause problems such as frustration, schedule changes, and lack of rest for students and teachers. These are also the reasons why we should start convincing our principal not to have this kind of scheduling. A good way to do this is for everyone to sign a petition stating the problems of year-round schooling. It will not only make a difference in our school, it might make a difference throughout the whole state.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates a good focus and meaning by e stablishing and maintaining a clear position on the issue of year-round schooling to persuade the reader that year-round schooling should not be put into practice. (“ Our school should not have year-round schooling”). In addition, the essay d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

Content & Development

Good content and development are seen throughout this essay, as arguments are d eveloped using sufficient [MSOffice8] specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position that year-round schooling is less effective than traditional schooling. Lastly, the writer addresses a counterargument regarding the restructuring of summer school programs. (“It might seem ideal to move the summer school program to after school, but many students have plans after school and need much time to work on their homework or projects.”)

Organization

This essay is organized well, with a mostly unified, five-paragraph structure, a consistent use of transitional devices, a good introduction that addresses several strong points, and a conclusion that sums up all points and provides advice for the reader. (“ On the contrary, summer break is very much like a reward for students that worked hard throughout the year.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style throughout this essay is good, as appropriate language and word choice are demonstrated. Readers will also find some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety. (“The school days will appear to be endless for the students and will discourage the students to learn and work hard.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions, with few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the author’s message. (“ Sometimes people go on trips for months and miss classes. Summer break is a time to let students get ready for next year, without it, school would seem endless.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

You can be going to schooleveryday this year. That is right you may not even get a summer break. You might only get one month of vacation out of the whole year! I would have to say that a long stressfree vacation is way better.

My first reason to fight against year around schooling is because kids need a long break break to get away and have some fun. Everyone needs along break even adults need to take a break. Like teachers or doctors they all have to take a break sometime too. I don't know anyone who has not taken a break. To prove this i polled all of the Northern part of my town and the results were that 97.8% of the northern part said that they would rather have a long vacation break. I have polled people of the age 30+ and up to find out if they would like to work for a whole year non-stop. Out of 100 people I interviewed 90% said they would want a long break to relax. I have also polled schools and 97% said they would perfer to have regular summer break.

Kids are slacking off in classes. In schools that are year round the principle tell me that over half of their students are failing in their classes. The principle tried everything from letting kids leave cell phones on to listening to their ipods during lunch. The kids would listen to their ipods and turn on their cell phones but their grade still didn't rise.

You who disagree with my statement I know what you are thinking. You want to change the summer vacation because you think that kids are fogetting in a long period of time. It is a long period of time I do have to agree that they probably will forget. Even in three weeks they will forget some information on U.S history. So if you just give them a long summer break then they'll forget, but they'll be happy. That way everyone gets a long summer break of fun. If you do have year round schooling then what would the kids do when they move up a grade.

I will have to say a long summer break vacation is better then a three week vacation. I want students from my middle school to able to have a regular summer.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

An adequate focus and meaning are showcased in this essay, as a position regarding the issue of year-round schooling is established that adequately attempts to persuade the reader that the benefits of traditional schooling outweigh the benefits of year-round schooling . (“ I would have to say that a long stressfree vacation is way better”). Furthermore, the author manages to demonstrate a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, while completing many parts of the task at hand.

Content & Development

The content throughout this essay is developed adequately. Arguments are supported with some specific, accurate, and relevant details to convince the reader that year-round schooling should not be practiced in area schools. In addition, the author adequately addresses the counterargument stating that students forget learned information over the summer. (“ You who disagree with my statement I know what you are thinking. You want to change the summer vacation because you think that kids are fogetting in a long period of time.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization, with a generally unified, five-paragraph structure consisting of a noticeable, but brief, introduction and conclusion and some missing transitional devices. (“ I will have to say a long summer break vacation is better then a three week vacation. I want students from my middle school to able to have a regular summer.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style in this essay is adequate. He/she manages to use appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentence structure is generally correct, although occasionally awkward, with some variety. (“Kids are slacking off in classes. In schools that are year round the principle tell me that over half of their students are failing in their classes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is shown throughout this persuasive essay. Although there are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ Kids are slacking off in classes. In schools that are year round the principle tell me that over half of their students are failing in their classes. The principle tried everything from letting kids leave cell phones on to listening to their ipods during lunch.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Finally !!!!!year around school is being added to my school and our school district thought it would be a good idea.I am supporting the idea because the expense of going to a year around school will help us save money for supplies and field trips,wear and tear on school property

Year around school expense can help us with our field tripd we could at least have more than one and go to somewhere exciteing places like Speed zone,Disneyland ,Sixflags,and Knotts Berry Farm.We could also have more money for buses to get to the places that we need to go .The money that we would be saveing for the field trips will also be used so that the 8th graders that graduate can go to Disneyland for there goodbye field trips .The would enjoy every bit of it.

Also the money that we would be saveing we will use it on supplies for classes and playgrounds.We would have more penciles,markers,crayons,expos,paper,ink,pens,eraseres,and more things to play on and the kids can be more safe with pads under the play ground so they wouldnt hurt themselves when they fall on the groung there should also have little rubber theings that go aroung the swings chain so the kids wouldnt get thier skin cought

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are both limited within the contents of this essay. The position established by the author regarding the issue of year-round schooling is underdeveloped and demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience; only some parts of the task are completed. (“I am supporting the idea because the expense of going to a year around school will help us save money for supplies and field trips,wear and tear on school property”)

Content & Development

Content and development are also limited within this essay. Arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position that year-round schooling should be put into practice in area schools. (“Year around school expense can help us with our field tripd we could at least have more than one and go to somewhere exciteing places like Speed zone,Disneyland ,Sixflags,and Knotts Berry Farm.We could also have more money for buses to get to the places that we need to go .”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is limited. Although evidence of structure is demonstrated through the three paragraphs, there is an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and transitional devices are mostly lacking.

(“ Finally !!!!!year around school is being added to my school Valinda school of Academics and our Hacienda School District thought it would be a good idea.I am supporting the idea because the expense of going to a year around school will help us save money for supplies and field trips,wear and tear on school property”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is shown within this essay. Both language and word choice are simple, and some audience awareness and control of voice are seen. However, the author often relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. (“We could also have more money for buses to get to the places that we need to go .The money that we would be saveing for the field trips will also be used so that the 8th graders that graduate can go to Disneyland for there goodbye field trips .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

A limited control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated by the writer of this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ Also the money that we would be saveing we will use it on supplies for classes and playgrounds.We would have more penciles,markers,crayons,expos,paper,ink,pens,eraseres,and more things to play on and the kids can be more safe with pads under the play ground so they wouldnt hurt themselves when they fall on the groung there should also have little rubber theings that go aroung the swings chain so the kids wouldnt get thier skin cought”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi i attend middle school .The other day my classnates and I were thinking what would happen if we would move to a yaer around school. And our teacher told us that for homework to do a paragraph about year around school . The next day in my class we whent over the paragraph 's and he explaind whst year around school was about .The good thing about is that we'll have alot more days off when we come back to school we'll probly enjoy coming to school and we'll miss doing homework and more of us we'll do our homework and more of us we'll have good grade's .

But there is a couple bad things about year school .One of the bad thing is that we'll larn everything really slow and right now we have to go fast .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Both the focus and meaning of this essay are minimal. Little attempt is made at stating a position regarding the issue of year-round schooling. The reader generates only a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, as the essay c ompletes few parts of the required task. (“ The good thing about is that we'll have alot more days off when we come back to school we'll probly enjoy coming to school and we'll miss doing homework and more of us we'll do our homework and more of us we'll have good grade’s .”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content is developed minimally with incompletely and inadequately developed arguments that use few details to support the writer’s position. The writer attempts to address the counterargument, but is not very successful in getting his/her point across. (“ But there is a couple bad things about year school .One of the bad thing is that we'll larn everything really slow and right now we have to go fast .”)

Organization

Minimal organization is demonstrated within this essay, which only consists of one full-length paragraph and a short, two-sentence paragraph. Little evidence of structure is apparent, as no obvious introduction or conclusion can be discerned by the reader. (“ Hi i attend middle school .The other day my classnates and I were thinking what would happen if we would move to a yaer around school”). In addition, the writer fails to use transitional devices to connect sentences and ideas.

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style here is minimal. Poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, are what the reader finds. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also common. (“The good thing about is that we'll have alot more days off when we come back to school we'll probly enjoy coming to school and we'll miss doing homework and more of us we'll do our homework and more of us we'll have good grade's .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ The next day in my class we whent over the paragraph 's and he explaind whst year around school was about .The good thing about is that we'll have alot more days off when we come back to school we'll probly enjoy coming to school and we'll miss doing homework and more of us we'll do our homework and more of us we'll have good grade's .”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Teacher,

I am writing to peresuade you to turn the school to a year round school year.

The year would be better if school was all year because we culd learn more and it would be more educational.Also sumer vaction is fun but over that time period we forget everything we learned durin the school year.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

An inadequate focus and meaning are seen in this essay. In fact, almost no effort is made at stating a position, and little effort is made to persuade the audience of the benefits of year-round schooling. (“ I am writing to peresuade you to turn the school to a year round school year”). Very few parts of the task are completed.

Content & Development

The content and development put forth in this essay are inadequate, as no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position that year-round schooling should be put into practice in area schools. (“ The year would be better if school was all year because we culd learn more and it would be more educational”). Furthermore, the writer fails to mention the counterargument of why some people favor a traditional schedule instead.

Organization

Organization in this essay is inadequate with no evidence of structure; the essay merely consists of three sentences with no introduction, conclusion, or transitional devices. (“ The year would be better if school was all year because we culd learn more and it would be more educational.Also sumer vaction is fun but over that time period we forget everything we learned durin the school year.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style here is inadequate with unclear language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. (“I am writing to peresuade you to turn the school to a year round school year.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this essay. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ I am writing to peresuade you to turn the school to a year round school year. The year would be better if school was all year because we culd learn more and it would be more educational.Also sumer vaction is fun but over that time period we forget everything we learned durin the school year.”)

Zero Tolerance Toward Weapons in School

Due to an increase in youth violence, many school districts have adopted a "Zero Tolerance" policy toward the possession of weapons on school property or at off-campus school functions. These policies call for the mandatory expulsion of students who violate the rules. Critics contend that such policies severely punish students for relatively minor violations and fail to consider individual circumstances. Do you think your school should have a zero tolerance policy toward students found to be carrying dangerous items? Should there be exceptions to the policies?

Write a persuasive essay to be read by your principal in which you support your position on this issue. Be sure to support your stance with well-reasoned arguments and appropriate reasons.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

With so many children hiding guns in backpacks, stuffing knives in pockets, and slipping drugs and alcohol into drinks, it's no wonder that the Zero Tolerance Policy Toward Weapons in School mandate has been born and is being enforced. Children and teens that bring weapons to school, run the risk of not only harming themselves, but also their peers and teachers. Serious punishments are given out to those who do not respect this new policy, such as suspension, or even expulsion. Although these terms may seem extreme, it is the only way to keep campuses safe, and the students on them unharmed.

If schools are without punishments for carrying weaponry in school, then there is a high possibility of an escalation from minor weapons to dangerous ones. For example, a child may bring a butter knife or a toy gun to school; if teachers or administrators do not address this problem as it arises, the child may start to feel as if it's okay to carry dangerous items to classes. Eventually, he/she may start to bring steak knives or small loaded hand guns. When I was in elementary school, I wore a bullet shell necklace with no gun powder in it. My teacher saw the necklace and told me to take it off, put it in my backpack, and never bring it to school again. I did just that. My teacher saw a minor detail that could become a problem, and then squelched it before it manifested into something horrific. If children bring even something as small as BB guns to school, it creates an uncomfortable environment for that child's classmates.

It can be assured that if an adolescent brings a weapon to school, there will be consequences. Possible punishments may include expulsion or suspension. Last year, a girl brought drug-laced cookies to school for a group of friends. As a result, she was immediately suspended and, of course, the cookies were confiscated. If a dangerous item is taken away, and punishments are enforced, then there is a better chance that the child will not repeat the same dangerous action.

On the other hand, many consider consequences such as suspension or expulsion too severe. Some argue that when a child is removed from school, that child is deprived of education. Brownwood County rethought its zero weapon policy after receiving unwanted worldwide attention for kicking out a seven-year-old for having possession of a measly water gun. He forgot that the toy was in his backpack. The kid was out of school for a year until his parents talked to the school and he was brought back to class. Kids don't need to be tossed out of school over small toys; harsh punishments should not be pressed on young children. Moreover, people in authority should determine whether the "weapon" is intended to hurt or threaten others, and then issue punishments accordingly while still adhering to a zero tolerance toward weapons rule.

With questionable actions, come unquestionable consequences. No child wants to go to school in an environment that allows possible danger. If weapons, drugs, or alcohol are brought to class, it is only to be expected that punishments will be enforced. The purpose of Zero Tolerance Toward Weapons in School is to create a comfortable and safe place for children, and to allow them to enjoy and look forward to attending school. Just to avoid inevitable, or possible, conflict, make sure that potential weapons stay high on a shelf at home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion, position, or thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The response reflects the writer's thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers' attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement, which is qualified by logical reasoning. ("Children and teens that bring weapons to school, run the risk of not only harming themselves, but also their peers and teachers. Serious punishments are given out to those who do not respect this new policy, such as suspension, or even expulsion. Although these terms may seem extreme, it is the only way to keep campuses safe, and the students on them unharmed.")

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer's opinion that a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school is necessary. ("For example, a child may bring a butter knife or a toy gun to school; if teachers or administrators do not address this problem as it arises, the child may start to feel as if it's okay to carry dangerous items to classes. Eventually, he/she may start to bring steak knives or small loaded hand guns.")

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer's assertion that a zero tolerance toward weapons policy in school is beneficial. ("If children bring even something as small as BB guns to school, it creates an uncomfortable environment for that child's classmates.")

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school. The essay aptly addresses the readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers' concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. ("Brownwood County rethought its zero weapon policy after receiving unwanted worldwide attention for kicking out a seven-year-old for having possession of a measly water gun. He forgot that the toy was in his backpack. The kid was out of school for a year until his parents talked to the school and he was brought back to class. Kids don't need to be tossed out of school over small toys; harsh punishments should not be pressed on young children.")

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion and substantiate his/her argument. ("When I was in elementary school, I wore a bullet shell necklace with no gun powder in it. My teacher saw the necklace and told me to take it off, put it in my backpack, and never bring it to school again. I did just that. My teacher saw a minor detail that could become a problem, and then squelched it before it manifested into something horrific.")

The writer uses a variety of examples to illustrate his/her point of view. ("Last year, a girl brought drug-laced cookies to school for a group of friends. As a result, she was immediately suspended and, of course, the cookies were confiscated. If a dangerous item is taken away, and punishments are enforced, then there is a better chance that the child will not repeat the same dangerous action.")

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer's introduction is creative and grabs the readers' attention, presenting readers with an overview of how the argument will proceed. ("With so many children hiding guns in backpacks, stuffing knives in pockets, and slipping drugs and alcohol into drinks, it's no wonder that the Zero Tolerance Policy Toward Weapons in School mandate has been born and is being enforced.")

The writer uses transitions such as "On the other hand," "Moreover," and "As a result," to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer's ideas are related or connected, while promoting a sense of flow. ("On the other hand, many consider consequences such as suspension or expulsion too severe. Some argue that when a child is removed from school, that child is deprived of education.")

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the relative logic behind the writer's points before arriving at a decision. ("The purpose of Zero Tolerance Toward Weapons in School is to create a comfortable and safe place for children, and to allow them to enjoy and look forward to attending school.")

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. ("If a dangerous item is taken away, and punishments are enforced, then there is a better chance that the child will not repeat the same dangerous action.") He/she utilizes conditional statements, such as "If…then," to substantiate the argument within the response.

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by effectively using commas and combining sentences with semicolons. ("With questionable actions, come unquestionable consequences. No child wants to go to school in an environment that allows possible danger. If weapons, drugs, or alcohol are brought to class, it is only to be expected that punishments will be enforced.")

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. ("If schools are without punishments for carrying weaponry in school, then there is a high possibility of an escalation from minor weapons to dangerous ones.") The writer attempts to sway readers to agree with his/her argument by subtly warning them of the consequences of failing to institute this policy.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer's message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. ("Just to avoid inevitable, or possible, conflict, make sure that potential weapons stay high on a shelf at home.")

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Violence is at an all-time high in schools, but will zero tolerance policies really make a change? The increasing violence in school has made officials of all statures and positions come together to discuss a new policy with zero tolerance towards weapons. They believe that if you get caught with a weapon, and then are dealt with by expulsion; that the violence in schools will decrease dramatically. I think they have a good point. If you are expelled and your peers learn why, they will be less compelled to bring weapons to the school in the future; decreasing injury and death rates in schools. These are a few reasons why I think this; first, if the consequences are brutal and the teachers and school staff strict, people will be less compelled to bring weapons in the first place. Second, the ones who do bring weapons to school will get expelled then you have then discouraged their peers to do the same. Third, if the kids who do bring weapons are punished with expulsion, they will no longer go to the school and you have just eliminated a violent kid from the mass of kids that go to the school.

If the consequences are brutal and the teachers and school staff strict, people will be less compelled to bring weapons to school. Nobody likes to be punished, right? So why would someone deliberately do something to get them self in trouble. The psychological behaviors of humans are what make us comfortable, and happy. Getting punished is neither comfortable, nor does it make us happy. Therefore, if the rules are clear then students would be more likely to obey the rule just out of fear of being punished. We've all gotten in trouble at home and been sent to our rooms, and even though we have all kinds of great tools and knick-knacks, we do not like being there because humans do not respond well to being punished; it is a psychological habit of humans to not feel comfortable or happy when being punished. So if we know what the rules are and the consequences are clear for our actions, then we are less likely to go and break the rules.

When kids do bring weapons to school and get expelled and their peers learn why, their peers will be less likely in the future to do so because they have been given an example of what happens when you do that. You know the saying, "monkey see monkey do"? Well, in this case, it is not quite true. Usually it would be correct, but nobody would deliberately put themselves in a situation where they could receive punishment. If they see someone else who did it receive their punishment, they would be less likely to do so as they have seen/heard the gossip that had gone around school. Gossip is something that everybody participates in, but never wants to be on the other end of the stick. So if you have witnessed the gossiping of others towards a person who has broken that rule, then you will be less likely to do that as you do not want people to talk about you when you leave. And finally, the humiliation brought on to one's self after receiving punishment, in this case expulsion, is one that most people cannot bear, and will therefore do all in their power to keep from doing that action which received punishment.

And finally, if the kids who do bring weapons to school are immediately expelled, then you have just removed a violent kid from the masses. By doing so, you have just decreased the amount of peer pressure leading towards violence. But also, in school violence is a rite of passage. So if you remove a weapon-carrying challenger from the masses, then you have then decreased the amount of kids that will try to challenge him and put themselves in to a spot of more respect. By removing a kid from the masses, you have just made your chances better for going the whole year without a violence induced incident. Less kids, less fights. So if you remove the kids who seem to be causing the problems with violence, then you will stop the domino effect of fighting throughout the school, just by removing that one link.

Now you may say that some kids have special circumstances, and some kids are just being dealt with too harshly; well you know what you're wrong, but let me explain why. There is no sort of special circumstance that makes violence acceptable, and if we let kids think that they are special and cannot receive punishment for their actions, then they will start to act out more and they will do worse things than what they started with. It is a ripple effect as you see when you throw a pebble into water. And if a kid brings a weapon to school, they were probably planning to use it. And they may whine, and beg, and plead, but we must assume they were using them for the purpose of violence rather than just to show their friends. Because even when you are trying to show a friend some cool weapon or gun you have, accidents can occur. So, you were not entirely wrong, but you were just not quite right.

So, I believe that if we enforce the zero tolerance policy then the violence will go down dramatically in school. So, I believe that if we enforce the zero tolerance policy then the violence will go down dramatically in school. So, I ask you, please do not just sit around, do something about it and get all of your teachers and your community to get your school districts and government to enforce the zero tolerance policy at all your schools.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion, position, or thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers' attention by beginning with an engaging question. ("Violence is at an all-time high in schools, but will zero tolerance policies really make a change? ")

All of the topics in the essay relate to the writer's opinion that a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school is beneficial. ("When kids do bring weapons to school and get expelled and their peers learn why, their peers will be less likely in the future to do so because they have been given an example of what happens when you do that. ")

Although the thesis should be condensed into one statement instead of three, the language of the thesis fits the examples well. ("These are a few reasons why I think this; first, if the consequences are brutal and the teachers and school staff strict, people will be less compelled to bring weapons in the first place. Second, the ones who do bring weapons to school will get expelled then you have then discouraged their peers to do the same. Third, if the kids who do bring weapons are punished with expulsion, they will no longer go to the school and you have just eliminated a violent kid from the mass of kids that go to the school. ")

Content & Development

The writer addresses the readers' concerns by indicating the positive impact of a zero tolerance policy for those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. ("By removing a kid from the masses, you have just made your chances better for going the whole year without a violence induced incident. Less kids, less fights. So if you remove the kids who seem to be causing the problems with violence, then you will stop the domino effect of fighting throughout the school, just by removing that one link. ")

The writer includes an example that is relatable to his/her readers in order to effectively argue for the stated position. ("Therefore, if the rules are clear then students would be more likely to obey the rule just out of fear of being punished. We've all gotten in trouble at home and been sent to our rooms, and even though we have all kinds of great tools and knick-knacks, we do not like being there because humans do not respond well to being punished; it is a psychological habit of humans to not feel comfortable or happy when being punished ")

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. ("And if a kid brings a weapon to school, they were probably planning to use it. And they may whine, and beg, and plead, but we must assume they were using them for the purpose of violence rather than just to show their friends. Because even when you are trying to show a friend some cool weapon or gun you have, accidents can occur. ")

Organization

The writer's introduction gives background information to help the readers understand the issue. ("Violence is at an all-time high in schools, but will zero tolerance policies really make a change? The increasing violence in school has made officials of all statures and positions come together to discuss a new policy with zero tolerance towards weapons. They believe that if you get caught with a weapon, and then are dealt with by expulsion; that the violence in schools will decrease dramatically. ")

Transitions help show how the writer's ideas are related or connected. ("Therefore, if the rules are clear then students would be more likely to obey the rule just out of fear of being punished. ")

The writer's conclusion wraps up his/her argument and encourages readers to support a zero tolerance for weapons policy in school. ("So, I believe that if we enforce the zero tolerance policy then the violence will go down dramatically in school. So, I ask you, please do not just sit around, do something about it and get all of your teachers and your community to get your school districts and government to enforce the zero tolerance policy at all your schools. ")

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. ("There is no sort of special circumstance that makes violence acceptable, and if we let kids think that they are special and cannot receive punishment for their actions, then they will start to act out more and they will do worse things than what they started with. ")

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. ("Getting punished is neither comfortable, nor does it make us happy. ") He/she uses a paired conjunction within the response to clarify the effectiveness of a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in schools.

The language and tone are consistent with the writer's point of view. ("But also, in school violence is a rite of passage. So if you remove a weapon-carrying challenger from the masses, then you have then decreased the amount of kids that will try to challenge him and put themselves in to a spot of more respect. ") Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer's message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Did you know that a kindergartener was suspended because he made a finger gun in class? Zero tolerance policies are taking place more in the United States and Canada. Zero tolerance policies are the punishing of any infraction of a rule or ignorance of any rule regardless of accidental mistakes. This policy has started an extremely large debate with two very different sides.

Many people think that zero tolerance are a great idea, and they have a great deal of reasons why they are. They say that these policies can create an appropriate argument at places they are used. Only a few are unfairly penalized is another fact that the supporters claim is true. The supporters also say that it doesn't matter how or why a student has a weapon. All that matters is the weapon. They say that zero tolerance policies are a great way to fight corruption. There are many true reasons that support zero tolerance policies.

There is also a large group of many people who are completely against these policies. This group says that these policies are very cruel and harsh for simple fractures of the rule. Moreover, they say that these rules make school seem like a jail or a prison. They say that turning someone in knowing the harsh punishments they would receive makes them double think about doing the right thing. A perfect example would be when an honor student was expelled for bringing nail clippers to school. Zero tolerance policies have also been struck down by U. S. courts. There are many reasons in support of it, there are still many reasons that they don't work.

Even though there are two opinions of the zero tolerance policies, there is only one which the facts support. The zero tolerance policy seems like the punishments would have a strong effect on the kids however there is no credible evidence that it actually works. Also, expulsion and suspension are a lose-lose for the school. Harsh rules will make everyone have the same punishment even if they break the rule at different degrees. It is clear that they will need to modify the law or it will not last long.

The schools with a zero tolerance policies aren't very different. They aren't safer than other schools, but they do get media attention. People think that stronger rules would be better, but they don't know the truth behind them. Although zero tolerance may be ineffective now, they could easily be changed for the better.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion, position, or thesis statement about a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer's thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue of a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school. ("Zero tolerance policies are the punishing of any infraction of a rule or ignorance of any rule regardless of accidental mistakes.")

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. ("Zero tolerance policies are the punishing of any infraction of a rule or ignorance of any rule regardless of accidental mistakes.")

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. ("Zero tolerance policies have also been struck down by U. S. courts. There are many reasons in support of it, there are still many reasons that they don't work.")

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers' counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer's details support the argument against a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school. ("Also, expulsion and suspension are a lose-lose for the school. Harsh rules will make everyone have the same punishment even if they break the rule at different degrees. It is clear that they will need to modify the law or it will not last long.")

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. ("They say that turning someone in knowing the harsh punishments they would receive makes them double think about doing the right thing. A perfect example would be when an honor student was expelled for bringing nail clippers to school.") The writer uses extreme examples within the response to sway the readers toward his/her point of view.

The writer addresses the readers' concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. ("There is also a large group of many people who are completely against these policies. This group says that these policies are very cruel and harsh for simple fractures of the rule.")

Organization

The writer's introduction adequately grabs the readers' attention by stating a fact from a news story. ("Did you know that a kindergartener was suspended because he made a finger gun in class? Zero tolerance policies are taking place more in the United States and Canada.")

The writer uses transitions such as "Moreover" and "Also," which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. ("Moreover, they say that these rules make school seem like a jail or a prison.") Adding more transitional words to the response would help demonstrate how the writer's ideas are related or connected.

The writer's conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument by suggesting a silver lining, which is that the ineffectiveness of this policy could be remedied in the future. ("Although zero tolerance may be ineffective now, they could easily be changed for the better.")

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied; however, the writer should try using an assortment of sentence structures that will make the response more engaging. ("The supporters also say that it doesn't matter how or why a student has a weapon. All that matters is the weapon.")

The writer's language and objective tone are consistent throughout the essay. ("They say that turning someone in knowing the harsh punishments they would receive makes them double think about doing the right thing.") However, the writer should try to identify who "they" is within their response to make their counterargument sound more sophisticated, and to substantiate their credibility on the topic.

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay, which addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school. ("The zero tolerance policy seems like the punishments would have a strong effect on the kids however there is no credible evidence that it actually works.")

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. ("They say that turning someone in knowing the harsh punishments they would receive makes them double think about doing the right thing.")

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Zero tolerance policies are strict rules that call for a student's expulsion if he or she brings a weapon to school. But are those policies too strict?

Students that bring weapons to school are on accidents they might have put them in their pockets the day before and put the same pants on and forgot the weapon was in there. If they realize they have it and someone else realizes that too and they snitch the school should just complicate it and calls the parents to inform them. They shouldn't be expelled unless they have threatened someone. These policies are too strict.

Students might have a reason to carry around weapons. The student might be being bullied and wants to scare the bully or the bully might have pulled a weapon on them and the student thinks they have to carry one around too so that could be safe. It's another use of self-defense. These policies are too strict.

You may say it's not safe but there is nothing you can really do about bringing weapons to school. Students are going to bring them regardless. There are also some weapons at school. Pencils can be a form of weapons. Even pencil sharpeners can be a form of weapons because students can take the blade out and use it as a knife. So technically you can't really keep students from bringing weapons to school. These policies are too strict.

You shouldn't expel them immediately if they do by chance .The school should figure out the reason why the student brought the weapon and go from there. That's why students shouldn't be automatically be expelled from school. These policies are too strict.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion , position, or thesis on the argument of opposing a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. ("Zero tolerance policies are strict rules that call for a student's expulsion if he or she brings a weapon to school. But are those policies too strict?")

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer's opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. ("Students might have a reason to carry around weapons. The student might be being bullied and wants to scare the bully or the bully might have pulled a weapon on them and the student thinks they have to carry one around too so that could be safe. ")

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer's point of view. ("You may say it's not safe but there is nothing you can really do about bringing weapons to school …You shouldn't expel them immediately if they do by chance.")

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument against a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school. The writer does attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers' concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. ("You may say it's not safe but there is nothing you can really do about bringing weapons to school. Students are going to bring them regardless. ") Although the writer attempts a counterargument, the refutation is based solely on the writer's opinion rather than credible support, such as facts, examples, and statistics.

The writer includes a logical argument that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. ("There are also some weapons at school. Pencils can be a form of weapons. Even pencil sharpeners can be a form of weapons because students can take the blade out and use it as a knife. ") Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer's reasons for opposing a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school, it is ineffective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas about how a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school could be too restrictive, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer's position on the issue. ("Students that bring weapons to school are on accidents they might have put them in their pockets the day before and put the same pants on and forgot the weapon was in there.")

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers' attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting question. In this case, the writer asks the readers if zero tolerance policies are too strict. ("Zero tolerance policies are strict rules that call for a student's expulsion if he or she brings a weapon to school. But are those policies too strict?")

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. ("You may say it's not safe but there is nothing you can really do about bringing weapons to school. Students are going to bring them regardless. There are also some weapons at school. ") The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer's position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. ("The school should figure out the reason why the student brought the weapon and go from there. That's why students shouldn't be automatically be expelled from school. These policies are too strict.")

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, he/she relies on using simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Phrases such as "you must," "you should," "you need to," "right now," and "don't wait" are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. ("You shouldn't expel them immediately if they do by chance .The school should figure out the reason why the student brought the weapon and go from there. ") Although the writer is asked to address the principal of a school, the writer's use of vague identifiers such as "you," "the school," and "the student" weaken the argument.

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word "Students." ("Students that bring weapons to school are on accidents they might have put them in their pockets the day before and put the same pants on and forgot the weapon was in there. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

What I think about zero-tolerance is that there should be an stop at getting kids in trouble if kids have done nothing to hurt people or threatening people to. I think my school should not have zero-tolerance because many things can be used as a weapon things that we use at school can be a wepon.

Lots of kids have got in trouble for bringing a weapon to school on accident because they mistakenly had it in there back pack or in there pocket. Also if kids report that they had a weapon on them they should not get in trouble for it. But if kids do get caught with weapon but did not threat any one then they also should not get in trouble ether.

There should be exceptions to zero-tolerance. But kids should have at leaset a warning if they accidentally bought a weapon to school. If they did it again, then there should not be any exceptions.

Also, many parents are having a problem with zero-tolerance. This is because of different situations, like kids would have things in there pocket for the week, and they would put on those pants and go to school. They then get cought with it.

Zero tolerance is good and bad. This is what I think about zero tolerance.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion, position, or thesis, or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. ("What I think about zero-tolerance is that there should be an stop at getting kids in trouble if kids have done nothing to hurt people or threatening people to.")

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. ("But if kids do get caught with weapon but did not threat any one then they also should not get in trouble ether.")

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. ("I think my school should not have zero-tolerance because many things can be used as a weapon things that we use at school can be a wepon.")

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position on zero policy toward weapons in school. The writer may not consider the readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer's opinion/position/thesis statement. ("Also if kids report that they had a weapon on them they should not get in trouble for it. But if kids do get caught with weapon but did not threat any one then they also should not get in trouble ether.")

Minimal details are used explain and illustrate the writer's point of view on the issue of a zero tolerance policy toward weapons. ("Also, many parents are having a problem with zero-tolerance. This is because of different situations, like kids would have things in there pocket for the week, and they would put on those pants and go to school. They then get cought with it.")

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction to engage the readers' interest. Rather, the writer states his/her own opinion without preamble. ("What I think about zero-tolerance is that there should be an stop at getting kids in trouble if kids have done nothing to hurt people or threatening people to.")

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer's stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. ("There should be exceptions to zero-tolerance. But kids should have at leaset a warning if they accidentally bought a weapon to school.") Adding transitions between paragraphs and sentences will show how ideas are related to one another and promote a sense of flow within the response.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. The conclusion does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. ("Zero tolerance is good and bad. This is what I think about zero tolerance.")

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument that a zero tolerance policy toward weapons is unnecessary. ("I think my school should not have zero-tolerance because many things can be used as a weapon things that we use at school can be a wepon.")

The writer does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince the readers to support the writer's point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. ("This is because of different situations, like kids would have things in there pocket for the week, and they would put on those pants and go to school. They then get cought with it. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The writer commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. ("There should be exceptions to zero-tolerance. But kids should have at leaset a warning if they accidentally bought a weapon to school.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever heard of the zero tollerents rule in schools? If you havent then what it is, is that all of the students are not abel to have dangeruse wepons in school.

there has ben alot of youth violents lattly and that is why alot of schools are adopting this "Zero Tolernce" rule. that is why i think that we should adoped this rule so that, we dont end up on the headlines on are local news. are schools would be safer too.

If MPS adops this rule then they wont have a bad reputation. People will thing that mps will thing that mps did not do something to help or some proseder to prevent violents. then people will think that this is a bad school system. that will look realy bad on the school's repution. then parents will not bring there kids to mps schools any more. all because mps did not adoped the "Zero Tolerance" poliucy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion, position, or thesis, and little effort is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay reveals the writer's stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer merely focuses on news headlines that indicate a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school would be a good idea. ("there has ben alot of youth violents lattly and that is why alot of schools are adopting this ‘Zero Tolernce’ rule. that is why i think that we should adoped this rule so that, we dont end up on the headlines on are local news. are schools would be safer too.")

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. ("that is why i think that we should adoped this rule so that, we dont end up on the headlines on are local news.")

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. ("If you havent then what it is, is that all of the students are not abel to have dangeruse wepons in school.")

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of a zero tolerance toward weapons policy in school. The writer does not consider the readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. ("People will thing that mps will thing that mps did not do something to help or some proseder to prevent violents. ")

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented as body paragraphs in the essay. ("are schools would be safer too. ") Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer's viewpoint. The writer merely states that it will be detrimental to the school if the zero tolerance policy is not adopted. ("then people will think that this is a bad school system. that will look realy bad on the school's repution. ")

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers' attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. ("Have you ever heard of the zero tollerents rule in schools?")

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. ("all because mps did not adoped the ‘Zero Tolerance’ poliucy.")

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. ("that is why i think that we should adoped this rule so that, we dont end up on the headlines on are local news. are schools would be safer too. ") Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. ("that is why i think that we should adoped this rule so that, we dont end up on the headlines on are local news. are schools would be safer too. ")

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to coherently address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. ("People will thing that mps will thing that mps did not do something to help or some proseder to prevent violents. then people will think that this is a bad school system. that will look realy bad on the school's repution")

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to present a balanced argument on the issue of a zero tolerance policy toward weapons in school, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. ("then parents will not bring there kids to mps schools any more. all because mps did not adoped the ‘Zero Tolerance’ poliucy. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

[b1] This follows Chicago Manual of Style's rule (end with a period or other punctuation, and then use three spaced periods).

[b2] Since this isn't the end of the sentence, end it like this (no period but insert a space and then the ellipses marks).

[b3] Since this isn't the beginning of the sentence, begin with the ellipses marks and a space.

[MSOffice4] I fixed some broken characters here that were somehow introduced to the essay.

[MSOffice5] Again, I fixed broken characters in the student essay text that were somehow introduced.

[MSOffice6] Fixed broken characters.

[b7] I suggest this change to the prompt task to make the language more gender neutral.

[MSOffice8] This can be changed two ways depending on what you are trying to say. It could be just “sufficient” with a comma after it because it is like the other items in the list, or it can be “sufficiently” if it is referring to the other items in the list.

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Middle_School_Persuasive_Models_February_2019_rev.doc