Imagine you have been studying for weeks for a very important science test. On the day of the exam, your best friend comes to you and tells you that he or she did not have time to study for the test. To your surprise, your friend asks you if he or she can copy your answers during the test.

How would you respond to your friend's request? How might this affect your friendship? Write a story about how you would respond to your friend's request and what happens the day of the big test.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was one of those nights, I thought to myself. It was one of those nights that proceeded that day of which I was hit hard. On that day, the day of the big test, I was stumped altogether while trying to figure out the correct way to answer the hardest question of all, a question from your closest friend. I had been asked to cheat and was reviewing all events in my past to try and find some way to come up with an answer but all that was left after that was just a blank scene where slowly my friend was beginning to appear through the corner and in that scene, I saw him, crying, holding an "F" paper. It was then that I now realize that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I answered with a cold, mellow, and shallow voice in which the only word that could come out of it at that time was the one that led up to this, "Yes." To understand the past sometimes it is better to relive the past so, for a better understanding of this situation, I feel that it is necessary to journey to the past through this story.

"Yesterday, was a very cold night." I thought to myself while unknowingly saying it out loud. "I barely got a scarce amount of sleep and the night seemed somewhat dark and mysterious." I rambled on. Then, while in the process of mumbling, I felt a great shock and realized it was coming from behind. I turned only to see my best friend stooping over with his foot nudging farther into my back. I fell. It was a simple and not very unusual thing but still, falling felt kind of weird to me still. I quickly got back up and as I was opening my mouth to speak as I was instantly stopped by the voice echoing through my friend's mouth. "... and also, you know you really shouldn't mumble to yourself so early in the morning, people will think you're crazy." Was what I first heard. Then came the question. "Hey!" He exclaimed as I was slowly drifting away in thought. "Did you study for your test yesterday? I didn't and I really need help cause my parents are going to pull me out of honors if I don't pass with flying colors and then I'm not going to be able to get anything for my upcoming birthday... So, will you help me? Can I copy off of you during the test." "Hmm" was my response due to the fact that I hadn't been paying attention the whole time but rather daydreaming, "...WHAT!" I yelled out in a fashionably stupid way, "COPY Mmm..." I had attempted to say, "Copy off of me during the test" but due to the reason that I got tongue twisted (and greatly insulted the English language in the process) and was tackled to the floor by Alex (my cheating but still grand best friend) I was unable to complete my sentence with any succession in it.

Alex, my best friend, yet a cheater but, still my best friend. I was unable to come up with a proper answer after getting the wind knocked out of me by the tackle enforced by his driving shoulder. It was a plainly beautiful site, that is, the majestic tackle made by him as my best friend sprinted across the hall towards me with his shoulder aimed and ready for impact and his chest braced for the coming collision. You could even see the spit fly out of my mouth as his shoulder drove itself in with his knee just endlessly pushing straight into my stomach. As I was driven into a nearby bush outside of the hall many began to search in wonder for where the sound was departing from, that is, the evil moaning sounds of echoing cries and pleas. Anyway, aside from that, when the whole shoulder drive incident had taken its belongings and went on its way, the main subject came back into place of our conversation and caused my thoughts to stupidly alter to those of taking another shoulder drive instead. I gulped as he brought it up, my stomach then growled, and then he reached out with his hand and helped me up to the floor. When his next set of words came, my only answer left was a plain, simple, yet terrifying, "Yes."

The time finally came when it was to occur. When the teacher passed out our papers, and we all took our assigned seats, with some of us in a hurry to avoid further trouble. Then we were told to take our test and turn it right-side up, and so the next words came which sent a chill soaring through down my back, "Begin." And so it began. On the first few questions I wasn't getting poked at for the answers (but rather for erasers) and so I began to relax in the sense that I may not actually have to cheat but then it came. I felt a jolt on my spine and I turned hurriedly to see who it was with a large sense of knowing in me. I was quickly assured when I saw the pitiful face stooped over my shoulder that I would get in trouble. I helped him answer a few and I also left a few for him to dwell on but soon it was beginning to feel less weird cheating for him. And then, in little to no time at all (even though the whole period seemed to last hours), it was over. The tests were collected and as the bell rang I felt a collected burst of freedom shoot out of me. In the end though, it became known among a few which quickly spread to many, that I had assisted Alex in his cheating and so I was beginning to be relied on but for no good reasons.

With my life and future ahead of me, it often seemed a lot easier to just take the easy way out and just cheat myself but that idea was quickly annihilated as the higher grades approached. In my high school years, I helped many cheat and even more so get in trouble and I was brought into despair as I knew that I was the cause of many of their current problems (at the time) and so a new thought conveyed into my array of thought, the renewed and refreshing thought of something being wrong, something easily stopped by will, something known as cheating. It was in those moments that I had noticed that cheating was wrong and soon I began to refrain from using those methods and I slowly began acquiring superior grades and with those grades and the release from cheating, I soon entered the world with a new perspective.

Overall, I was easily brought into the world of cheating through the incident with Alex all those years ago and now in my later years, I notice that this entire situation was wrong from the beginning. Now, both Alex and I have redeemed ourselves of the past and are working towards a better future. We are still the best of friends and we have decided that we shall never be influenced by something so carelessly as we had in our past. Cheating had gotten us nowhere, but we have learned a great deal of it and the hardships that it brings so that is why today, it is up to me to tell you that cheating is a terrible habit of which is close to impossible to rid yourself of and so, that is why you should never cheat especially now, while achieving your life goals.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are prevalent in this story. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant.

The story states the main event very effectively. (“I had been asked to cheat and was reviewing all events in my past to try and find some way to come up with an answer but all that was left after that was just a blank scene where slowly my friend was beginning to appear through the corner and in that scene, I saw him, crying, holding an ‘F’ paper. It was then that I now realize that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I answered with a cold, mellow, and shallow voice in which the only word that could come out of it at that time was the one that led up to this, ‘Yes.’ To understand the past sometimes it is better to relive the past so, for a better understanding of this situation, I feel that it is necessary to journey to the past through this story.”)

All events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“The time finally came when it was to occur. When the teacher passed out our papers, and we all took our assigned seats, with some of us in a hurry to avoid further trouble. Then we were told to take our test and turn it right-side up, and so the next words came which sent a chill soaring through down my back, ‘Begin.’ And so it began. On the first few questions I wasn't getting poked at for the answers (but rather for erasers) and so I began to relax in the sense that I may not actually have to cheat but then it came. I felt a jolt on my spine and I turned hurriedly to see who it was with a large sense of knowing in me.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“It was a plainly beautiful site, that is, the majestic tackle made by him as my best friend sprinted across the hall towards me with his shoulder aimed and ready for impact and his chest braced for the coming collision.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are very effective within the story. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed, developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The narrative clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters are developed in very effective detail. (“Alex, my best friend, yet a cheater but, still my best friend. I was unable to come up with a proper answer after getting the wind knocked out of me by the tackle enforced by his driving shoulder. It was a plainly beautiful site, that is, the majestic tackle made by him as my best friend sprinted across the hall towards me with his shoulder aimed and ready for impact and his chest braced for the coming collision.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“Then came the question. ‘Hey!’ He exclaimed as I was slowly drifting away in thought. ‘Did you study for your test yesterday? I didn't and I really need help cause my parents are going to pull me out of honors if I don't pass with flying colors and then I'm not going to be able to get anything for my upcoming birthday... So, will you help me? Can I copy off of you during the test.’ ‘Hmm’ was my response due to the fact that I hadn't been paying attention the whole time but rather daydreaming, ‘...WHAT!’ I yelled out in a fashionably stupid way, ‘COPY Mmm...’ I had attempted to say, ‘Copy off of me during the test’ but due to the reason that I got tongue twisted (and greatly insulted the English language in the process) and was tackled to the floor by Alex (my cheating but still grand best friend) I was unable to complete my sentence with any succession in it.”)

The plot is developed effectively. (“With my life and future ahead of me, it often seemed a lot easier to just take the easy way out and just cheat myself but that idea was quickly annihilated as the higher grades approached. In my high school years, I helped many cheat and even more so get in trouble and I was brought into despair as I knew that I was the cause of many of their current problems (at the time) and so a new thought conveyed into my array of thought, the renewed and refreshing thought of something being wrong, something easily stopped by will, something known as cheating. It was in those moments that I had noticed that cheating was wrong and soon I began to refrain from using those methods and I slowly began acquiring superior grades and with those grades and the release from cheating, I soon entered the world with a new perspective.”)

The story very effectively displays a surprise ending, moral, or lesson. (“Overall, I was easily brought into the world of cheating through the incident with Alex all those years ago and now in my later years, I notice that this entire situation was wrong from the beginning. Now, both Alex and I have redeemed ourselves of the past and are working towards a better future. We are still the best of friends and we have decided that we shall never be influenced by something so carelessly as we had in our past. Cheating had gotten us nowhere, but we have learned a great deal of it and the hardships that it brings so that is why today, it is up to me to tell you that cheating is a terrible habit of which is close to impossible to rid yourself of and so, that is why you should never cheat especially now, while achieving your life goals.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is shown within this story. The narrative captures readers’ attention with a clever opening to the story. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation or phrase from a character, or a flashback or foreshadowing. (“It was one of those nights, I thought to myself. It was one of those nights that proceeded that day of which I was hit hard. On that day, the day of the big test, I was stumped altogether while trying to figure out the correct way to answer the hardest question of all, a question from your closest friend. I had been asked to cheat and was reviewing all events in my past to try and find some way to come up with an answer but all that was left after that was just a blank scene where slowly my friend was beginning to appear through the corner and in that scene, I saw him, crying, holding an ‘F’ paper. It was then that I now realize that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I answered with a cold, mellow, and shallow voice in which the only word that could come out of it at that time was the one that led up to this, ‘Yes.’ To understand the past sometimes it is better to relive the past so, for a better understanding of this situation, I feel that it is necessary to journey to the past through this story.”)

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words. (“It was one of those nights, I thought to myself. It was one of those nights that proceeded that day of which I was hit hard. On that day, the day of the big test, I was stumped altogether while trying to figure out the correct way to answer the hardest question of all, a question from your closest friend.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“Overall, I was easily brought into the world of cheating through the incident with Alex all those years ago and now in my later years, I notice that this entire situation was wrong from the beginning. Now, both Alex and I have redeemed ourselves of the past and are working towards a better future.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“Overall, I was easily brought into the world of cheating through the incident with Alex all those years ago and now in my later years, I notice that this entire situation was wrong from the beginning. Now, both Alex and I have redeemed ourselves of the past and are working towards a better future. We are still the best of friends and we have decided that we shall never be influenced by something so carelessly as we had in our past. Cheating had gotten us nowhere, but we have learned a great deal of it and the hardships that it brings so that is why today, it is up to me to tell you that cheating is a terrible habit of which is close to impossible to rid yourself of and so, that is why you should never cheat especially now, while achieving your life goals.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are apparent in the story. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph through the use of descriptive language and a dark and mysterious tone. (“ It was one of those nights, I thought to myself. It was one of those nights that proceeded that day of which I was hit hard. On that day, the day of the big test, I was stumped altogether while trying to figure out the correct way to answer the hardest question of all, a question from your closest friend. I had been asked to cheat and was reviewing all events in my past to try and find some way to come up with an answer but all that was left after that was just a blank scene where slowly my friend was beginning to appear through the corner and in that scene, I saw him, crying, holding an ‘F’ paper. It was then that I now realize that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I answered with a cold, mellow, and shallow voice in which the only word that could come out of it at that time was the one that led up to this, ‘Yes.’ To understand the past sometimes it is better to relive the past so, for a better understanding of this situation, I feel that it is necessary to journey to the past through this story. … ‘Yesterday, was a very cold night.’ I thought to myself while unknowingly saying it out loud. ‘I barely got a scarce amount of sleep and the night seemed somewhat dark and mysterious.’ I rambled on. Then, while in the process of mumbling, I felt a great shock and realized it was coming from behind. I turned only to see my best friend stooping over with his foot nudging farther into my back. I fell. It was a simple and not very unusual thing but still, falling felt kind of weird to me still. I quickly got back up and as I was opening my mouth to speak as I was instantly stopped by the voice echoing through my friend's mouth.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ It was one of those nights, I thought to myself. It was one of those nights that proceeded that day of which I was hit hard. On that day, the day of the big test, I was stumped altogether while trying to figure out the correct way to answer the hardest question of all, a question from your closest friend. I had been asked to cheat and was reviewing all events in my past to try and find some way to come up with an answer but all that was left after that was just a blank scene where slowly my friend was beginning to appear through the corner and in that scene, I saw him, crying, holding an ‘F’ paper. It was then that I now realize that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I answered with a cold, mellow, and shallow voice in which the only word that could come out of it at that time was the one that led up to this, ‘Yes.’ To understand the past sometimes it is better to relive the past so, for a better understanding of this situation, I feel that it is necessary to journey to the past through this story. … ‘Yesterday, was a very cold night.’ I thought to myself while unknowingly saying it out loud. ‘I barely got a scarce amount of sleep and the night seemed somewhat dark and mysterious.’ I rambled on. Then, while in the process of mumbling, I felt a great shock and realized it was coming from behind. I turned only to see my best friend stooping over with his foot nudging farther into my back. I fell. It was a simple and not very unusual thing but still, falling felt kind of weird to me still. I quickly got back up and as I was opening my mouth to speak as I was instantly stopped by the voice echoing through my friend's mouth.”)

Complex sentences are used effectively. (“ It was a plainly beautiful site, that is, the majestic tackle made by him as my best friend sprinted across the hall towards me with his shoulder aimed and ready for impact and his chest braced for the coming collision.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions throughout the story. Few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Now, both Alex and I have redeemed ourselves of the past and are working towards a better future.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Today was the day of the science test. There were twenty difficult questions that would make your brain explode. I studied for the test and I was prepared but my friend, Hanna, wasn't ready. Hanna was always prepared for a test in our teacher’s class and doesn't get good scores unless she cheats. Hanna is a good friend and I wouldn't want her to get a bad score because I wouldn't help her.

"Please let me copy your answers," begged Hanna, "just this one time and I'll never do it again." It was always hard for me to say no to people, especially when they need my help.

"I don't know Hanna; I don't think I should let you. Cheating doesn't help you at all." I tried to talk Hanna out of cheating but it didn't work.

"Pretty please, I need to pass this test so I can go to the party at Disneyland . If I fail, my mom won't let me. Please let me copy your answers, Valerie." I wanted to say no but I couldn't. I forgot about the party at Disneyland , my parents will still let me go if I get a bad score on the test. All of my friends were going-Laura, Lili, Kiersten, and Sara.

How can I say no to my friend? How can I ignore Hanna in her time of need? I knew the right thing to do would be to not let Hanna copy, but the nice thing would be to let her. I couldn't decide, yes or no? It would only be one test it's not like I would be the most terrible student ever, or would I? If Hanna fails the test, her mom won't let her go to Disneyland and I want Hanna to go. I can't though, It wouldn't be right. I should let Hanna copy my answers from the science test . . . no I shouldn't.

If I say no, she will probably hate me for the rest of sixth grade and I don't want that to happen. If I say yes, it would benefit her but I'll feel like a criminal. Maybe I should just let Hanna cheat off me, no big deal. I rather feel bad about myself because I cheated than feel bad about myself because Hanna failed.

I didn't want to let Hanna copy me though. It wouldn't be right or fair to the other kids. Hanna was trying to get my attention but I pretended to be distracted by something else. She threw an eraser at my arm. It hurt but I tried to not turn my head towards my friend. I won't say yes unless Hanna goes on her knees and begs me. It's not hard to convince me but sometimes I can be a little hard-headed.

I couldn't decide, I was starting to have an adrenaline rush. I felt like jumping on top of my desk and yelling, I WON'T LET YOU COPY MY TEST! I couldn't though because everyone would think I'm a psychopathic student. A few minutes passed and I think I made my decision.

Our teacher was passing out that tests and time was running out. I took a glance at Hanna and she said, "So will you? Please . . ."

"Um . . . ok," my voice sounded small, "no wait, uh . . . no." Hanna's hopeful expression quickly changed into a disappointed look, "Oh, ok then."

I felt terrible; Hanna might never talk to me again . . . ever. When I finally got the test, I saw the worried look on Hanna's face. This wasn't right, I should've said yes. I wrote the answers to the most difficult questions on a piece of paper (the whole test was pretty hard). I checked if the teacher was looking my way and tossed the paper onto Hanna's desk. She jumped a little but then looked at the paper then looked my way. Her lips were moving, I think she was saying thank you. We both smiled and finished our tests.

"Thanks Valerie, "said Hanna, "you're the best."

"No problem," I replied, "anytime . . . no wait I take that back." We both started laughing and left the scary science class.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are conveyed through this story. The narrative demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task; the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The story displays the main event well. (“Today was the day of the science test. There were twenty difficult questions that would make your brain explode. I studied for the test and I was prepared but my friend, Hanna, wasn't ready. Hanna was always prepared for a test in our teacher’s class and doesn't get good scores unless she cheats. Hanna is a good friend and I wouldn't want her to get a bad score because I wouldn't help her. … ‘Please let me copy your answers,’ begged Hanna, ‘just this one time and I'll never do it again.’ It was always hard for me to say no to people, especially when they need my help.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“I couldn't decide, I was starting to have an adrenaline rush. I felt like jumping on top of my desk and yelling, I WON'T LET YOU COPY MY TEST! I couldn't though because everyone would think I'm a psychopathic student. A few minutes passed and I think I made my decision. …Our teacher was passing out that tests and time was running out. I took a glance at Hanna and she said, ‘So will you? Please . . .’ … ‘Um . . . ok,’ my voice sounded small, ‘no wait, uh . . . no.’ Hanna's hopeful expression quickly changed into a disappointed look, ‘Oh, ok then.’”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose effectively. (“I felt terrible; Hanna might never talk to me again . . . ever. When I finally got the test, I saw the worried look on Hanna's face. This wasn't right, I should've said yes. I wrote the answers to the most difficult questions on a piece of paper (the whole test was pretty hard). I checked if the teacher was looking my way and tossed the paper onto Hanna's desk. She jumped a little but then looked at the paper then looked my way. Her lips were moving, I think she was saying thank you. We both smiled and finished our tests.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are found throughout this written piece. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Effective sensory detail develops the characters. (“ I checked if the teacher was looking my way and tossed the paper onto Hanna's desk. She jumped a little but then looked at the paper then looked my way. Her lips were moving, I think she was saying thank you.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“‘Please let me copy your answers,’ begged Hanna, ‘just this one time and I'll never do it again.’ It was always hard for me to say no to people, especially when they need my help. … ‘I don't know Hanna; I don't think I should let you. Cheating doesn't help you at all.’ I tried to talk Hanna out of cheating but it didn't work. … ‘Pretty please, I need to pass this test so I can go to the party at Disneyland . If I fail, my mom won't let me. Please let me copy your answers, Valerie.’ I wanted to say no but I couldn't. I forgot about the party at Disneyland , my parents will still let me go if I get a bad score on the test. All of my friends were going-Laura, Lili, Kiersten, and Sara.”)

Details effectively describe and explain the story’s problem. The narrator specifically explains to the audience the difficulty in making the decision of whether to let her friend cheat on the test. (“How can I say no to my friend? How can I ignore Hanna in her time of need? I knew the right thing to do would be to not let Hanna copy, but the nice thing would be to let her. I couldn't decide, yes or no? It would only be one test it's not like I would be the most terrible student ever, or would I? If Hanna fails the test, her mom won't let her go to Disneyland and I want Hanna to go. I can't though, It wouldn't be right. I should let Hanna copy my answers from the science test . . . no I shouldn't.”)

Organization

Good organization is evident within the narrative. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, and the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ How can I say no to my friend? How can I ignore Hanna in her time of need? I knew the right thing to do would be to not let Hanna copy, but the nice thing would be to let her. I couldn't decide, yes or no? It would only be one test it's not like I would be the most terrible student ever, or would I? If Hanna fails the test, her mom won't let her go to Disneyland and I want Hanna to go. I can't though, It wouldn't be right. I should let Hanna copy my answers from the science test . . . no I shouldn't.”)

The beginning includes effective background information about the event. (“ Today was the day of the science test. There were twenty difficult questions that would make your brain explode. I studied for the test and I was prepared but my friend, Hanna, wasn't ready. Hanna was always prepared for a test in our teacher’s class and doesn't get good scores unless she cheats. Hanna is a good friend and I wouldn't want her to get a bad score because I wouldn't help her.”)

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“ I felt terrible; Hanna might never talk to me again . . . ever. When I finally got the test, I saw the worried look on Hanna's face. This wasn't right, I should've said yes. I wrote the answers to the most difficult questions on a piece of paper (the whole test was pretty hard). I checked if the teacher was looking my way and tossed the paper onto Hanna's desk. She jumped a little but then looked at the paper then looked my way. Her lips were moving, I think she was saying thank you. We both smiled and finished our tests.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this story is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience; additionally, well-structured sentences with some variety are seen.

The language and tone are consistent, and rhetorical questions are used by the story’s protagonist. (“ How can I say no to my friend? How can I ignore Hanna in her time of need? I knew the right thing to do would be to not let Hanna copy, but the nice thing would be to let her. I couldn't decide, yes or no? It would only be one test it's not like I would be the most terrible student ever, or would I?”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ How can I say no to my friend? How can I ignore Hanna in her time of need? I knew the right thing to do would be to not let Hanna copy, but the nice thing would be to let her. I couldn't decide, yes or no? It would only be one test it's not like I would be the most terrible student ever, or would I? If Hanna fails the test, her mom won't let her go to Disneyland and I want Hanna to go. I can't though, It wouldn't be right. I should let Hanna copy my answers from the science test …no I shouldn't. …If I say no, she will probably hate me for the rest of sixth grade and I don't want that to happen. If I say yes, it would benefit her but I'll feel like a criminal. Maybe I should just let Hanna cheat off me, no big deal. I rather feel bad about myself because I cheated than feel bad about myself because Hanna failed.”)

Compound sentences are used effectively. (“ I knew the right thing to do would be to not let Hanna copy, but the nice thing would be to let her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story in question demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, they do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ I couldn't though because everyone would think I'm a psychopathic student. A few minutes passed and I think I made my decision.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

My class has been studying for weeks for this huge science test that we have today and my best friend did not study. She asks me if she can copy the answers during the test. I look at her in surprise and tell her no. I told her that we knew about this test for weeks and she should have made time to study. I tell her that it was her fault that she was too lazy to even open her book and just review for a few minutes every night. She begs me to help but I know that it would be the wrong decision for both of us and I tell her she will learn her lesson for the next time we have a big test. The worst part is that she knows the right decision she just does not like to make them and likes to take the easy way out.

It is not too long before the test will be handed out and my friend is getting very nervous. I look at her and tell her to just do the best she can and to start looking over the book right now for a few minutes while we have the time. I really did not feel bad for her at this point because she just decided to not take the time to study. She is my friend and I had to do something about it but not in a cheating way. I gave her all of my notes to let her study for the few minutes our teacher let us have. I hoped that she would not fail the test but my hopes were not very high for her. I know she is a good student but after what she has just done I do not know what this will lead to in the future for her.

The teacher said,"Just one minute before the test." I looked at my friend and she was very nervous. I knew she really had done it this time, but there was nothing I could have done about it. I tried to make her study but she just would not listen and know she is begging me to help her. I did not respond to her, told her good luck, and started my test. Most of the questions were pretty easy but some were trick questions. I saw her and she was just staring at the test blank minded.

Everyone was flying through the test and so was I. The test was a few pages long and she had barely made it past the first page. Some people were just ending the test. If she paid attention in class she should have gotten some right but if she did not than this test is extremely hard for her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are provided through this story. The narrative demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The story states the main event adequately. (“My class has been studying for weeks for this huge science test that we have today and my best friend did not study. She asks me if she can copy the answers during the test. I look at her in surprise and tell her no. I told her that we knew about this test for weeks and she should have made time to study. I tell her that it was her fault that she was too lazy to even open her book and just review for a few minutes every night. She begs me to help but I know that it would be the wrong decision for both of us and I tell her she will learn her lesson for the next time we have a big test. The worst part is that she knows the right decision she just does not like to make them and likes to take the easy way out.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“The teacher said, ‘Just one minute before the test.’ I looked at my friend and she was very nervous. I knew she really had done it this time, but there was nothing I could have done about it. I tried to make her study but she just would not listen and know she is begging me to help her. I did not respond to her, told her good luck, and started my test. Most of the questions were pretty easy but some were trick questions. I saw her and she was just staring at the test blank minded.”)

The audience for the story is clear. (“My class has been studying for weeks for this huge science test that we have today and my best friend did not study. She asks me if she can copy the answers during the test. I look at her in surprise and tell her no. I told her that we knew about this test for weeks and she should have made time to study. I tell her that it was her fault that she was too lazy to even open her book and just review for a few minutes every night. She begs me to help but I know that it would be the wrong decision for both of us and I tell her she will learn her lesson for the next time we have a big test. The worst part is that she knows the right decision she just does not like to make them and likes to take the easy way out.”)

Content & Development

The story contains adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting, while creating believable characters. He/she establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details adequately describe the story’s problem. (“My class has been studying for weeks for this huge science test that we have today and my best friend did not study. She asks me if she can copy the answers during the test. I look at her in surprise and tell her no. I told her that we knew about this test for weeks and she should have made time to study. I tell her that it was her fault that she was too lazy to even open her book and just review for a few minutes every night. She begs me to help but I know that it would be the wrong decision for both of us and I tell her she will learn her lesson for the next time we have a big test. The worst part is that she knows the right decision she just does not like to make them and likes to take the easy way out.”)

The characters are developed in adequate detail. (“My class has been studying for weeks for this huge science test that we have today and my best friend did not study. She asks me if she can copy the answers during the test. I look at her in surprise and tell her no. I told her that we knew about this test for weeks and she should have made time to study. I tell her that it was her fault that she was too lazy to even open her book and just review for a few minutes every night. She begs me to help but I know that it would be the wrong decision for both of us and I tell her she will learn her lesson for the next time we have a big test. The worst part is that she knows the right decision she just does not like to make them and likes to take the easy way out.”)

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“The teacher said, ‘Just one minute before the test.’ I looked at my friend and she was very nervous. I knew she really had done it this time, but there was nothing I could have done about it. I tried to make her study but she just would not listen and know she is begging me to help her. I did not respond to her, told her good luck, and started my test. Most of the questions were pretty easy but some were trick questions. I saw her and she was just staring at the test blank minded.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is seen within the story. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ My class has been studying for weeks for this huge science test that we have today and my best friend did not study. She asks me if she can copy the answers during the test. I look at her in surprise and tell her no. I told her that we knew about this test for weeks and she should have made time to study. I tell her that it was her fault that she was too lazy to even open her book and just review for a few minutes every night. She begs me to help but I know that it would be the wrong decision for both of us and I tell her she will learn her lesson for the next time we have a big test. The worst part is that she knows the right decision she just does not like to make them and likes to take the easy way out.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ It is not too long before the test will be handed out and my friend is getting very nervous. I look at her and tell her to just do the best she can and to start looking over the book right now for a few minutes while we have the time. I really did not feel bad for her at this point because she just decided to not take the time to study. She is my friend and I had to do something about it but not in a cheating way. I gave her all of my notes to let her study for the few minutes our teacher let us have. I hoped that she would not fail the test but my hopes were not very high for her. I know she is a good student but after what she has just done I do not know what this will lead to in the future for her.”)

The ending states a lesson the writer learned from completing the story. (“ Everyone was flying through the test and so was I. The test was a few pages long and she had barely made it past the first page. Some people were just ending the test. If she paid attention in class she should have gotten some right but if she did not than this test is extremely hard for her.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this story is adequate. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, awareness of audience, control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Everyone was flying through the test and so was I. The test was a few pages long and she had barely made it past the first page. Some people were just ending the test. If she paid attention in class she should have gotten some right but if she did not than this test is extremely hard for her.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “cheating” and “friend,” from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ She is my friend and I had to do something about it but not in a cheating way.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the writer uses the generic word “bad” instead of the adverb “badly” or a more specific word. (“ I really did not feel bad for her at this point because she just decided to not take the time to study.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing is apparent in this story. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Everyone was flying through the test and so was I. The test was a few pages long and she had barely made it past the first page. Some people were just ending the test. If she paid attention in class she should have gotten some right but if she did not than this test is extremely hard for her.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Well I guess my story takes place in different places. But the most comin place would have to be my Middle school. See i have these to friends named Roki and Mauricio. I see both of them like almost everyday. Most of our classes are the same. But they always have to seperateus. We copy eachothers papers well Roki and I do in our history class. Its so boring in there but we find our ways to make it fun. Whenever we have test or something well we usually know the answers, or i think we do. But most of the time we dont do our work. But some how we still pass that class.

One time we were in class and she was talking about some project stuff. So I thought that for once I should do it. But it was hard because we had to make a book about some explorers. It wasnt all that fun well it wasnt fun at all. But i did it anyways., i think? I worked really hard it took me three days to do the whole thing. But most of it was in class because i am to lazy to do it at home. And well like Roki is Roki he didn't do anything he was just waiting till the last moment to copy my book.

At first i wasn't going to let him then he started going on with all this stuff like remember when this then that and so on. So finally just said okay then and i let him. It only took him about 10 to 15 minutes to copy it. We both got A's on the project but she was a little saspichus because he used word for word, but we just told ger that we worked together and she belived us.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this story provides readers with a limited focus and meaning. The narrative demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated limitedly. (“Well I guess my story takes place in different places. But the most comin place would have to be my Middle school. See i have these to friends named Roki and Mauricio. I see both of them like almost everyday. Most of our classes are the same. But they always have to seperateus. We copy eachothers papers well Roki and I do in our history class. Its so boring in there but we find our ways to make it fun. Whenever we have test or something well we usually know the answers, or i think we do. But most of the time we dont do our work. But some how we still pass that class.”)

The audience for the story is not always clear. (“Well I guess my story takes place in different places. But the most comin place would have to be my Middle school. See i have these to friends named Roki and Mauricio. I see both of them like almost everyday. Most of our classes are the same. But they always have to seperateus. We copy eachothers papers well Roki and I do in our history class. Its so boring in there but we find our ways to make it fun. Whenever we have test or something well we usually know the answers, or i think we do. But most of the time we dont do our work. But some how we still pass that class.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“One time we were in class and she was talking about some project stuff. So I thought that for once I should do it. But it was hard because we had to make a book about some explorers. It wasnt all that fun well it wasnt fun at all. But i did it anyways., i think? I worked really hard it took me three days to do the whole thing. But most of it was in class because i am to lazy to do it at home. And well like Roki is Roki he didn't do anything he was just waiting till the last moment to copy my book.”)

Content & Development

Content and development, as seen in this story, are limited. The narrative provides adequately developed plot, setting, and characters but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated, but they are not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“One time we were in class and she was talking about some project stuff. So I thought that for once I should do it. But it was hard because we had to make a book about some explorers. It wasnt all that fun well it wasnt fun at all. But i did it anyways., i think? I worked really hard it took me three days to do the whole thing. But most of it was in class because i am to lazy to do it at home. And well like Roki is Roki he didn't do anything he was just waiting till the last moment to copy my book.”)

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“Well I guess my story takes place in different places. But the most comin place would have to be my Middle school.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“ Well I guess my story takes place in different places. But the most comin place would have to be my Middle school. See i have these to friends named Roki and Mauricio. I see both of them like almost everyday. Most of our classes are the same. But they always have to seperateus. We copy eachothers papers well Roki and I do in our history class. Its so boring in there but we find our ways to make it fun.”)

The plot is limited. (“At first i wasn't going to let him then he started going on with all this stuff like remember when this then that and so on. So finally just said okay then and i let him. It only took him about 10 to 15 minutes to copy it. We both got A's on the project but she was a little saspichus because he used word for word, but we just told ger that we worked together and she belived us.”)

Organization

Limited organization is found in this story. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the narrative may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, yet readers are provided with some sense of closure.

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ Well I guess my story takes place in different places. But the most comin place would have to be my Middle school. See i have these to friends named Roki and Mauricio. I see both of them like almost everyday. Most of our classes are the same. But they always have to seperateus. We copy eachothers papers well Roki and I do in our history class. Its so boring in there but we find our ways to make it fun. Whenever we have test or something well we usually know the answers, or i think we do. But most of the time we dont do our work. But some how we still pass that class.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ At first i wasn't going to let him then he started going on with all this stuff like remember when this then that and so on. So finally just said okay then and i let him. It only took him about 10 to 15 minutes to copy it.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ At first i wasn't going to let him then he started going on with all this stuff like remember when this then that and so on. So finally just said okay then and i let him. It only took him about 10 to 15 minutes to copy it. We both got A's on the project but she was a little saspichus because he used word for word, but we just told ger that we worked together and she belived us.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the story is limited. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient variety.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ It wasnt all that fun well it wasnt fun at all. But i did it anyways., i think? I worked really hard it took me three days to do the whole thing.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ I see both of them like almost everyday. Most of our classes are the same. But they always have to seperateus.”)

There is repetition, as a number of sentences in the story begin with “but.” (“ But it was hard because we had to make a book about some explorers. … But i did it anyways., i think? … But most of it was in class because i am to lazy to do it at home.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ I see both of them like almost everyday. Most of our classes are the same. But they always have to seperateus. We copy eachothers papers well Roki and I do in our history class. Its so boring in there but we find our ways to make it fun. … But i did it anyways., i think? I worked really hard it took me three days to do the whole thing. But most of it was in class because i am to lazy to do it at home. And well like Roki is Roki he didn't do anything he was just waiting till the last moment to copy my book.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story features limited control of the correct use of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ But they always have to seperateus. We copy eachothers papers well Roki and I do in our history class. Its so boring in there but we find our ways to make it fun.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

Today i'm going to tell you about what I would do if my friend asked me if he can cheat off my test because he did'nt study. Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine. So it depends . I'll tell you why i'll let him copy and yet while it is still wrong.

I know Andrews family real well they treat me nice. I would hate to see my best friend fail I mean it could affect our friend ship. Because if he fails then hell get grounded then I cant talk to him. If we get caught I will rather take the consequences than not talk to him. Nomayter what I would always do something nice for him even if it means getting in serious trouble. Because I know he will do that for me any day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story above provides evidence of minimal focus and meaning; it demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. In addition, the writer provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“Today i'm going to tell you about what I would do if my friend asked me if he can cheat off my test because he did'nt study. Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine. So it depends . I'll tell you why i'll let him copy and yet while it is still wrong.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I know Andrews family real well they treat me nice. I would hate to see my best friend fail I mean it could affect our friend ship. Because if he fails then hell get grounded then I cant talk to him. If we get caught I will rather take the consequences than not talk to him. Nomayter what I would always do something nice for him even if it means getting in serious trouble. Because I know he will do that for me any day.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is only minimally stated. (“Today i'm going to tell you about what I would do if my friend asked me if he can cheat off my test because he did'nt study. Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine. So it depends . I'll tell you why i'll let him copy and yet while it is still wrong.”)

Often, the audience for the story is not clear. (“Today i'm going to tell you about what I would do if my friend asked me if he can cheat off my test because he did'nt study. Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine. So it depends . I'll tell you why i'll let him copy and yet while it is still wrong.”)

Content & Development

The narrative features minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The story may include details or information that detracts from the narrative and lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“I know Andrews family real well they treat me nice. I would hate to see my best friend fail I mean it could affect our friend ship. Because if he fails then hell get grounded then I cant talk to him. If we get caught I will rather take the consequences than not talk to him. Nomayter what I would always do something nice for him even if it means getting in serious trouble. Because I know he will do that for me any day.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“Today i'm going to tell you about what I would do if my friend asked me if he can cheat off my test because he did'nt study. Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine. So it depends . I'll tell you why i'll let him copy and yet while it is still wrong.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“I know Andrews family real well they treat me nice. I would hate to see my best friend fail I mean it could affect our friend ship. Because if he fails then hell get grounded then I cant talk to him. If we get caught I will rather take the consequences than not talk to him. Nomayter what I would always do something nice for him even if it means getting in serious trouble. Because I know he will do that for me any day.”)

Organization

The use of minimal organization is apparent in this story. The writer provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The narrative also demonstrates little evidence of an ending.

The story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Today i'm going to tell you about what I would do if my friend asked me if he can cheat off my test because he did'nt study. Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine. So it depends . I'll tell you why i'll let him copy and yet while it is still wrong.”)

The beginning includes only minimal background information about the event. (“ Today i'm going to tell you about what I would do if my friend asked me if he can cheat off my test because he did'nt study. Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine. So it depends . I'll tell you why i'll let him copy and yet while it is still wrong.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“I know Andrews family real well they treat me nice. I would hate to see my best friend fail I mean it could affect our friend ship. Because if he fails then hell get grounded then I cant talk to him. If we get caught I will rather take the consequences than not talk to him. Nomayter what I would always do something nice for him even if it means getting in serious trouble. Because I know he will do that for me any day.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style are evident throughout this brief story. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ I know Andrews family real well they treat me nice. I would hate to see my best friend fail I mean it could affect our friend ship. Because if he fails then hell get grounded then I cant talk to him.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ So it depends .”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ I know Andrews family real well they treat me nice. I would hate to see my best friend fail I mean it could affect our friend ship. Because if he fails then hell get grounded then I cant talk to him. If we get caught I will rather take the consequences than not talk to him. Nomayter what I would always do something nice for him even if it means getting in serious trouble. Because I know he will do that for me any day.”)

The style is not formal. (“ Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control over the use of the mechanics and conventions of standard, written English is demonstrated in the story. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Today i'm going to tell you about what I would do if my friend asked me if he can cheat off my test because he did'nt study. Well if its a big test like if it is a really big part of Andrews grade(my bestfriend) than ill definitley let him copy but if its a small test that just skims your grade a little than thats Andrews problem not mine. …Because I know he will do that for me any day.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story’s focus and meaning are inadequate. This brief narrative demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

Content & Development

The story contains inadequate content and development. The writing l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. Additionally, a lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

There is no dialogue. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

Organization

Organization within this story appears inadequate. The narrative may have an opening that simply repeats the title of the prompt. Furthermore, the story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The beginning does not creatively grab readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

The ending does not leave readers with something to think about, such as how to find out more about the subject. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

The beginning and the ending are not connected. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate use of language and style is shown in the story. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer uses the same group of words to begin two consecutive sentences in the paragraph, and both sentences begin with “if.” (“ If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

Transitions are needed. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.If he did a good job i would meke him give me atleast $3.00s for giving him the right answers.If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ If he refuse to pay up i would tell him to catch the fad(wich means to fight me).”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this narrative. S evere errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“If a friend asks if they can copy me i would tell them that they would be able to coby. i would write the answers on a sheet of paper and hand it to them and tell them that they didnt get it from me.”)

Achieving a Goal

Write a personal narrative for your class to read. Tell about a goal you tried to achieve. Tell about obstacles and the outcome.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Hey!! How's it going?" my friends and I asked each other at the New Student Orientation. We were so happy on getting into X School, the best school in the city, even though only 16 people from our middle school were chosen. We were still happy to see each other. Even though we were all calmed in front of each other, deep in side we were all jumping, being crazy and jumping for joy that finally we were here at X School! thinking of how each of us got here.

Everything began on the first day of 6th grade, when our teacher at Y Middle School, Mrs. Reed, told us about the entrance test that we were going to take on the end of the school year, I looked around, I saw a lot of my friends listening attentively and getting nervous. I knew they all wanted to get into X School, there was pressure in all of us, we knew there would be good for our education and make people look at you better, but still it was just the first day.

On the 2nd trimester of the year my teacher said, “Okay class, we're going to start learning how to write a persuasive story!” We all groaned. She told us to write an story, to let her see how we are doing. My first story was bad- actually it was worse then bad. She said that I didn’t write enough, so I got 3 out of 4. I needed a 4 to get in. The next topic was about the evils of cheating, I thought this was going to be easy, but still I still got 3 out of 4. I felt like giving up on the test, but I knew I shouldn't, and I thought that I actually had a chance to get in. I studied and practiced writing the story the whole night, but it was hard to concentrate when I knew that the field trip to The Strawberry Farm was in a few weeks, and little by little my eyes were closing and I fell asleep.

The next morning, I was surprisingly awake. I said to my friend Ann, “This is it! This is really is it!” The day was here, the day to take the test. I sat down on my seat and paid attention to what the teacher was saying. After she was done explaining the rules and passed out the prompt, I picked up my pencil and began writing.

“Uhh!!” I grunted. I didn't know how to start. I saw some of my classmates going on to the second page already. I didn't care. I just continued thinking and then I started to write. I kept on erasing and adding ideas until I finally got it right. After about 45 minutes, I was done. I leaped off my chair and went over to put the story on the teacher's desk. When I looked around there were only three people left in class, the rest were out, enjoying their recess.

I couldn't wait for my letter of acceptance to come in our mail. For a month after the test, I would always check the mailbox to see if there was a letter, when I heard some of my classmates, like Ann, Juanita, and Sam got their letters already, I knew I didn't make it. I felt disappointed, but there was no one to blame but me. "Oh well" I thought, “I just have to get over it,” however I ended up crying myself to sleep.

A few days later, my dad came to my room and said his usual morning greeting, but today he said something different. “You made it!" he exclaimed. I knew what "it" meant. I jumped up and down, I never felt so happy in my life.

I was so excited to go pick up my forms! I felt so confident that no one was going to bring down my mood that day. The first day finally came, just a few months ago, being able to get into X School High was just a dream, a dream that was impossible to happen, but even though now I know its real, it still gives me the chills. Now, I know that one of the most difficult parts in making a goal is deciding when to give up and when to try harder.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It also provides description and relevant details. All of the parts of the essay relate to the main event and are consistent with the prompt. The essay develops the main event very effectively. (“Uhh!!” I grunted. I didn't know how to start. I saw some of my classmates going on to the second page already. I didn't care. I just continued thinking and then I started to write. I kept on erasing and adding ideas until I finally got it right.” “Now, I know that one of the most difficult parts in making a goal is deciding when to give up and when to try harder.”) Details about the main event are also well developed. (“After about 45 minutes, I was done. I leaped off my chair and went over to put the story on the teacher's desk. When I looked around there were only three people left in class, the rest were out, enjoying their recess.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. It clearly establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the essay. For example, action words are used very effectively. (“Uhh!!” I grunted. I didn't know how to start. . . I kept on erasing and adding ideas until I finally got it right. After about 45 minutes, I was done. I leaped off my chair and went over to put the story on the teacher's desk.”) The writing creates a complex main character that is developed in very effective detail. (“I felt like giving up on the test, but I knew I shouldn't, and I thought that I actually had a chance to get in. I studied and practiced writing the story the whole night, but it was hard to concentrate when I knew that the field trip to The Strawberry Farm was in a few weeks, and little by little my eyes were closing and I fell asleep. The next morning, I was surprisingly awake.”) Dialogue is also used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. (“’Oh well’ I thought, ‘I just have to get over it,’ however I ended up crying myself to sleep.”)

Organization

The essay flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. Transitions are used very effectively to connect events and ideas. ("Oh well" I thought, “I just have to get over it,” however I ended up crying myself to sleep.”) The author captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening with dialogue. (“’Hey!! How's it going?’ my friends and I asked each other at the New Student Orientation. We were so happy on getting into X School, the best school in the city, even though only 16 people from our middle school were chosen.”) The conclusion very effectively states a lesson, which pulls the entire essay together. (“Now, I know that one of the most difficult parts in making a goal is deciding when to give up and when to try harder.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. It uses well-structured and varied sentences, and paragraphs are aligned through consistent language and tone. ( “ I looked around, I saw a lot of my friends listening attentively and getting nervous. . .We all groaned.”) Also, c ompound sentences are used effectively. (“ A few days later, my dad came to my room and said his usual morning greeting, but today he said something different.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everyone has a goal they want to achieve or one they have already done. Usually your goals are set on something you love, like a hobby whether its trying out for a baseball team, or even a bowling team. You should always go after what you want if you love it enough, and should never quit. I love to dance, and had been dreaming of being a part of the dance team. It took alot of hard work, but you'll just have to wait and see, to find out the outcome of my goal. It always feels good to acheive your goals, which is why my goal was to try out for the dance team.

It all started it out the first day the form came in to try out for the dance team. Everyone was discussing it. I had a feeling of worry, and happiness at the same time. I had been practicing for quite a while and thought I might be able to make it. The clinics came and went, and now the tryouts were right around the corner. A notice came out saying, "Tryouts this Friday" "6:00-8:00pm." At that time I was extremely nervouse, and thought that I could never get out there and show the judges what I had learned. That night I found out that I hadn’t made the team. Although I was very disappointed, I had been told that there were many older girls on the team with a lot of dance experience.

Summer came and went, and I knew that there was going to be another dance team tryout in the spring. I wanted to make the team so bad. So I decided to take a few dance lessons with a friend along the way. I became very good in dance, and started getting all my turns perfect. I even had a few private dance lessons only weeks before the tryout. By the time the clinics came around I knew I was ready, and couldn’t wait to get out there and show the judges everything I had.

Another note was sent out that said the time of the tryouts, just like the one from the year before. Sure I was nervouse, but I also new that I was prepared and ready. I practiced a few more times the night before the tryout, and got a good night sleep. And then it came. "Number 38," a judge called. Suddenly I realized that that was my number! A flash of nervouseness hit me, and then I realized that this was it. After all of my hard work, no turning back.

That night I received a phone call saying that I had made the team. I jumped with joy, and couldn't believe this had happened. I achieved my goal of becoming a dancer on the team. I think I called everyone I had ever known. But with all of that hard work I learned that nothing comes easy, and that you have to work for what you want, in order to acheive your goals.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details, which are all relevant to the story within the essay. The parts of the essay relate to the main event, and the events are often consistent with the prompt, such as in the discussion of obstacles. (“Although I was very disappointed, I had been told that there were many older girls on the team with a lot of dance experience.”) In the beginning, what happened before the main event is stated effectively. (“It all started it out the first day the form came in to try out for the dance team. Everyone was discussing it. I had a feeling of worry, and happiness at the same time. I had been practicing for quite a while and thought I might be able to make it.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. It establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the essay.

Characters’ thoughts are revealed (“Sure I was nervouse, but I also new that I was prepared and ready.”), and dialogue is used effectively in some places. (“And then it came. "Number 38," a judge called. Suddenly I realized that that was my number!”) Details effectively describe the solution in the essay (“And then it came. "Number 38," a judge called. Suddenly I realized that that was my number! A flash of nervouseness hit me, and then I realized that this was it. After all of my hard work, no turning back.”), however, there is little description of the actual dance performance.

Organization

The opening of the essay excites readers and demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a statement of advice. (“ Everyone has a goal they want to achieve or one they have already done. Usually your goals are set on something you love, like a hobby whether its trying out for a baseball team, or even a bowling team. You should always go after what you want if you love it enough, and should never quit.”) The text flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. Transitions include some from the MY Access! word bank, such as “although.” (“Although I was very disappointed, I had been told that there were many older girls on the team with a lot of dance experience.”) The conclusion provides readers with a sense of completeness and effectively states a lesson. (“ But with all of that hard work I learned that nothing comes easy, and that you have to work for what you want, in order to acheive your goals.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The author uses well-structured sentences with some variety . Coherent style and tone ensure that the reader can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ So I decided to take a few dance lessons with a friend along the way. I became very good in dance, and started getting all my turns perfect. I even had a few private dance lessons only weeks before the tryout.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay contains few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. However, there is some overuse of commas in the essay. (“You should always go after what you want if you love it enough, and should never quit. I love to dance, and had been dreaming of being a part of the dance team.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The first time I had the chance to try out for the basketball team was when I was in 6 grade. I knew it would be hard to make it because I heard so many people were going to out. I knew I had to work harder than anyone else. Since I was only in 6 grade I was the youngest and the coaches usually pick the more experienced. So I knew if I did not give 110 percent I would not make the team.

It was tryout day and I was so nervous. I could not stop looking at the clock. "Ding", went the bell. I jumped up and headed for my locker. I got all of my belongings and started walking down the hall. As I reached the door I hesitated. My hands were trembling as I pushed down on the knob. I let go and backed up a little. I said to myself, " I cant do this I am going to make a fool of myself." something inside me said, " what are you talking about you are as good as the 8 graders. So I took a deep breath and I finally opened the door.

I was greeted by a warm smile. Everyone was shooting around as I walked in. I put my books down and then I got a ball. I was a little scared to take my first shot. I did and I made it. I felt like a 20-pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. we continued with the tryout and I was doing ok. It was now time to go but before we went home the coach wanted to talk to us. She said, "all of you girls did wonderful today and I will be posting the names of the girls that made it on the door tomorrow morning.

It was the next day I could not sleep that night because I was so worried that I did not make the team. I opened the door to the gym and headed for the list. My heart was thumping as I scanned the list I did not see my name as I got to the middle of the list. I got almost down to the bottom and I saw my name. All that came out of my mouth was yes! I could not believe I had made it.

I knew there would be obstacles as I tried out for the team. I had beaten thoses obstacles. I was so ecstatic. I could not wait for our first practice. I could finally say I have achieved my goal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the narrative. The essay adequately states the main event (“Since I was only in 6 grade I was the youngest and the coaches usually pick the more experienced. So I knew if I did not give 110 percent I would not make the team.”), and the events in the essay are consistent with the prompt, specifically the obstacles and outcomes. (“So I knew if I did not give 110 percent I would not make the team.. . .I was a little scared to take my first shot. I did and I made it.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with a clear solution to the conflict. (“as I got to the middle of the list. I got almost down to the bottom and I saw my name.”) There is also adequate information about what happened before the main event. (“The first time I had the chance to try out for the basketball team was when I was in 6 grade. I knew it would be hard to make it because I heard so many people were going to out. I knew I had to work harder than anyone else. Since I was only in 6 grade I was the youngest and the coaches usually pick the more experienced.”) The essay creates believable characters with adequate detail. (“Since I was only in 6 grade I was the youngest and the coaches usually pick the more experienced.”) The plot is adequately developed and establishes tension/conflict/problem, which holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the essay. (“As I reached the door I hesitated. My hands were trembling as I pushed down on the knob. I let go and backed up a little.”) Dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts and is also adequately developed. (“’I cant do this I am going to make a fool of myself.’ something inside me said, ‘what are you talking about you are as good as the 8 graders.’ So I took a deep breath and I finally opened the door.”)

Organization

The essay contains an interesting opening to the narrative by providing detail that grabs the readers’ attention. (“The first time I had the chance to try out for the basketball team was when I was in 6 grade.”) The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development, and transitions are used to connect events. (“It was now time to go but before we went home the coach wanted to talk to us.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate ending with a summary and reflection about the lesson learned. (“I knew there would be obstacles as I tried out for the team. I had beaten thoses obstacles. I was so ecstatic. I could not wait for our first practice. I could finally say I have achieved my goal.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with e xact and specific words (“ My hands were trembling . My heart was thumping provide sensory detail.”) and demonstrates an awareness of audience and control of voice. (“It was the next day I could not sleep that night because I was so worried that I did not make the team. I opened the door to the gym and headed for the list,”) The writer generally uses correct sentence structure, and while the lengths of the sentences are not always varied, the use of short sentences moves the plot along.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. E rrors in proper capitalization of letters/words are also present. (“ we continued with the tryout and I was doing ok.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

one day i wanted to try out for PSJA in art memory. I went with a friend to art memory to try out if it was easy and if it was good for us.

It turn out that it was good so we started to went on Wednesdays and Thursdays, it was ok at the begin but it became harder and harder it was competition day so we went to it. There were a lot of kids trying to win like us but we still didn't know who was going to win. I was nervous, when it was our time to be tested I was still nervous but I was thinking that i can do it.

I was with the persons who were going to ask me what was the name of one picture (art memory) Finally it was over and we didnt got 1st place but I thought it was a good start for art memory, maybe ill do it again next year and try to be better.

Right know im not in PSJA but im still thinking if ill do it again.Another thing was when I was in tennis. I would always go to the tournaments and play, I wouldnt alwasy win but i tried my best. One day i was trying so hard in tennis because I had a tournament next week, so i started to play and play a lot of times until ive had got tired. The next day it will be the tournament I was so nervous but I try to calm down.It was time for me to play, I played against another girl. After all the people had gotten to play it was time to tell who was the winner, I got in 3th place for me it wasnt bad but ill still try.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task since the description of the goal is vague. (“one day i wanted to try out for PSJA in art memory. I went with a friend to art memory to try out if it was easy and if it was good for us.”) The supporting events are limited (“It turn out that it was good so we started to went on Wednesdays and Thursdays, it was ok at the begin but it became harder and harder it was competition day so we went to it”), so the main idea of the essay is not clear.

Content & Development

The essay lacks the sufficient detail needed to make this more than just a summary. (“I was with the persons who were going to ask me what was the name of one picture (art memory) Finally it was over and we didnt got 1st place.”) Tension, conflict, or a problem is stated, but is not developed. (“There were a lot of kids trying to win like us but we still didn't know who was going to win. I was nervous, when it was our time to be tested I was still nervous but I was thinking that i can do it.”) Dialogue is not adequately used to reveal characters’ thoughts (“I was nervous, when it was our time to be tested I was still nervous but I was thinking that i can do it.”), and there is limited sensory detail about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.).

Organization

The beginning of the essay includes only limited background information about the event. (“ one day i wanted to try out for PSJA in art memory. I went with a friend to art memory to try out if it was easy and if it was good for us.”) Transitions are sometimes attempted, but are weak. (“I was with the persons who were going to ask me what was the name of one picture (art memory) Finally it was over and we didnt got 1st place but I thought it was a good start for art memory, maybe ill do it again next year and try to be better.”) The ending demonstrates a limited attempt to leave the readers with something to think about, like what will happen next, for example. (“The next day it will be the tournament I was so nervous but I try to calm down.It was time for me to play, I played against another girl. After all the people had gotten to play it was time to tell who was the winner, I got in 3th place for me it wasnt bad but ill still try.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice (“There were a lot of kids trying to win like us but we still didn't know who was going to win.”) and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety. Exact words are missing. (“ Finally it was over and we didnt got 1st place but I thought it was a good start for art memory.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Several noticeable errors in grammar, such as subject-verb agreement (“It turn out that it was good so we started to went on Wednesdays and Thursdays,”), interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should use MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing and punctuation. (“Right know im not in PSJA but im still thinking if ill do it again.Another thing was when I was in tennis.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I will want to graduate from Middle School and to have a a best goal and the most important is to have a good grade and have some high score and to be the best student in the class. Especially I will want to be a doctor and pass to the next grade and have so much fun and be so proud of myself and just be so much proud that I will pass the grade and have my goal and that will be so much better. I always have trouble with school.

The most important of my goal is to become a good person and not to be so dum person and to be a intellingent person and to have good grade insted of bad grade and that will be bad for me because that will not be good for me and that will not take me no where and that will be thte worst thing that will happen to me and that will not be a good thing ata all. I hope I can be good at a lot. The most instersting thing is to be a better person and that will be the best thing that I will have in my life and that will be better for me and thank you for listening me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose. The ideas in the writing are often not consistent with the prompt since the “story” does not have a clear plot. In the beginning, the purpose of the essay (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is only minimally attempted. (“I will want to graduate from Middle School and to have a a best goal and the most important is to have a good grade and have some high score and to be the best student in the class.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides a minimally developed plot and setting. There is little important information about what happens during or before an event. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events, and a setting is not developed in detail. The narrative lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. (“The most important of my goal is to become a good person and not to be so dum person and to be a intellingent person and to have good grade insted of bad grade and that will be bad for me because that will not be good for me and that will not take me no where and that will be thte worst thing that will happen to me and that will not be a good thing ata all.”) Characters are only described rather than developed. There is inadequate sensory detail about the characters, and little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. (“The most instersting thing is to be a better person and that will be the best thing that I will have in my life and that will be better for me and thank you for listening me.”)

Organization

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention. (“I will want to graduate from Middle School and to have a a best goal and the most important is to have a good grade and have some high score and to be the best student in the class.”) The beginning contains little background information about an event. Transitions are only minimally used to connect events. (“Especially I will want to be a doctor and pass to the next grade and have so much fun and be so proud of myself and just be so much proud that I will pass the grade and have my goal and that will be so much better.”) The essay demonstrates an attempt at an interesting ending. (“The most instersting thing is to be a better person and that will be the best thing that I will have in my life and that will be better for me and thank you for listening me.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay (“ Especially I will want to be a doctor and pass to the next grade and have so much fun and be so proud of myself and just be so much proud that I will pass the grade and have my goal and that will be so much better.”), and t here is also repetition of ideas. (“The most important of my goal is to become a good person and not to be so dum person and to be a intellingent person and to have good grade insted of bad grade.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message, including spelling and agreement errors. (“The most important of my goal is to become a good person and not to be so dum person and to be a intellingent person and to have good grade insted of bad grade”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I want a goal for baseball I like baseball a lot. I play since I was 3 years old. last year I go to Puerto Rico and we get second place and it was very cool because we go to San Juan Puerto Rico and we do a lot of things we go to el Faeroe where there protect the island then when we get to Mexico a lot of people were there and we go with the president and it was very cool and my uncle give me 200 dollars and I want a motorcycle. To go to my ranch and be very cool playing and doing a lot of things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the prompt. (“we go to el Faeroe where there protect the island then when we get to Mexico a lot of people were there and we go with the president and it was very cool and my uncle give me 200 dollars and I want a motorcycle.”)

Content & Development

The essay lacks an identifiable plot and setting. Inadequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story in the essay. Lack of tension or conflict makes the narrative uninteresting to follow; i.e., not much happens. Characters are introduced, but are not developed with sensory detail about the characters, and there is no dialogue. (“I want a goal for baseball I like baseball a lot.”)

Organization

The essay lacks basic organization with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. For example, the beginning does not creatively grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Also, events are not clearly in order, a nd the ending does not leave the readers with something to think about.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. (“ I want a goal for baseball I like baseball a lot.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“I play since I was 3 years old. last year I go to Puerto Rico and we get second place and it was very cool because we go to San Juan Puerto Rico and we do a lot of things we go to el Faeroe where there protect the island then when we get to Mexico a lot of people were there and we go with the president and it was very cool and my uncle give me 200 dollars and I want a motorcycle.”) One sentence does not have a subject and a verb. (“To go to my ranch and be very cool playing and doing a lot of things.”) Sentences do not always end with a punctuation mark (“…and we do a lot of things we go to el Faeroe where there protect the island ….”), and not all sentences begin with a capital letter. (“last year I go to Puerto Rico ….”). The writer could have used MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Acts of Kindness

Responding with kindness rather than punishment when someone tries to hurt you can bring about good results. Write about a time when you responded with kindness rather than punishment to someone who hurt your feelings. If no such situation has ever happened to you, create a similar situation. Explain the situation including the characters involved, the events, and the outcome.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

She was a kind woman, an elementary school teacher, who had been in that particular building for ten years. She taught an array of subjects, ranging from mathematics to social studies, grammar to sciences. In my elementary school, there was no such thing as 1st or 2nd period. The entire day was taught in one room, and this particular room was the one everyone hoped to be placed in. Her name was Miss Heart, which suited her perfectly... Everyone in my 5th grade class loved her.

Miss Heart was more than just a teacher to all of us. She was a friend… a friend who knew us as if she read our life story, a friend who knew our weaknesses and strengths. My weakness, as she knew quite well, was English.

Every marking period we would receive a short story assignment in our grammar class, and every marking period my final average would dramatically drop. It was hard for me to put words on paper, and actually have them make sense. After the first three papers I had written, I grew tired of trying and hopeless of getting better.

My best friend had a, at the time, marvelous idea. She was an excellent author, and frankly, she enjoyed every minute she put into writing. Sarah decided that she would “help me out”, by writing me a story and handing it in as my own.

When I was first informed of the idea, my heart sank to the floor, and I could feel my stomach tumble. The idea of cheating strangled me, but Sarah sugarcoated it so well that, in the end, I finally gave into her master plan.

We had a week to complete every word processed story, and Sarah got right to work the day the assignment was given. On the due date, Sarah and I met each other on the front steps of our elementary school, and she discretely slid the finished paper into my backpack.

At the beginning of class, Miss Heart announced to everyone to pass their papers in. I got the three page long story out of my folder and checked to make sure that my name was somewhere on it. In the bottom right hand corner of the last page, I could see my name typed in small font, and my knees began to shake.

At the end of the day when everyone had gone, I was still at my tiny locker at the back of the room. I could feel someone standing behind me, and when I turned around, there was Miss Heart. Automatically my head dropped to the floor, for I knew that I had been caught. Miss Heart flashed me a warm smile, took my hand, and sat my down at a nearby desk.

“Is there something you would like to tell me, Elizabeth ?”

“I’m so sorry, Miss Heart… I was doing horrible in this class, and I needed a good grade on this paper. Sarah offered, and I didn’t know what else to do…”

Not at anytime had that woman yelled at me, or even gave a stern look. Miss Heart just sat in the desk aside of me, her hands folded together, with a look of concern and feeling.

As I sat that day in Miss Heart’s west side room, with the spring sun bouncing off the brightly decorated walls, I thought my life would soon be over. I had been caught, cheating… The C word was like a curse when you were in the presence of school. But instead of making that phone call to the office that I could feel coming, Miss Heart looked me square in the eye.

“You know how much trouble you could get in with a stunt like this, don’t you, Elizabeth ?”

“Yes, Miss Heart, and I-”

“That’s enough… I just want you to be aware of your mistake, and be sure not to agree to anything you are doubtful about in the future.”

Miss Heart led me to her desk, tore up the story, and disposed of it into the trashcan. Again, I could see that smile spread across her face. Every day, for the next three days, Miss Heart would hold a private session with me after school. We would go over the grammar exercises that we had just discussed that day, and after that, we would write another paragraph or two of my story… together. When it was finished and handed in, the meetings were still held when I felt it was necessary.

On the day that everyone’s papers were handed back, I received mine, and on top was a red A+. Never had a felt happier in my life… My very own work, time, and effort were finally a success. Miss Heart never mentioned the incident to my parents nor the school, and we never breathed a word of it to each other again.

On the last day of school that year, when everyone cleared out, I stayed behind to say a proper goodbye to Miss Heart. I gave her a poem that I had written on my own time, reliving the happening and what I felt on the day Miss Heart taught me a valuable lesson. Before she could read the paper, I wrapped my arms around her, trying with everything I had to choke back the tears. I whispered softly in her ear, “Thank you”, and scurried out the door.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response clearly establishes a controlling idea and shows a strong understanding of the task. Notice how the author develops the plot of the story, showing why the “hurtful action” came about (“I grew tired of trying and hopeless of getting better “), what the “kind” response was, and how it brought about a good result (“My very own work, time, and effort were finally a success”).

Content & Development

This response shows a pattern of fully developed ideas and characters. Miss Heart “was more than just a teacher to all of us.” The main character does not just thank her teacher, she gives “her a poem that I had written on my own time, reliving the happening and what I felt on the day Miss Heart taught me a valuable lesson.”

Organization

This response clearly demonstrates a unified structure and direction. It begins by introducing the main characters and the setting (“Every marking period we would receive a short story assignment in our grammar class, and every marking period my final average would dramatically drop”) and concludes, appropriately enough, at the end of the year (“On the last day of school that year, when everyone cleared out, I stayed behind to say a proper goodbye to Miss Heart”).

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates very effectively structured sentences and carefully chooses words to enhance the essay’s meaning. For example, the author says, “the idea of cheating strangled me” and “that smile spread across her face,” painting a clear image for the reader of the main character’s fear of cheating and her teacher’s kind response.

Mechanics & Conventions

The response demonstrates strong control of the conventions of grammar, punctuation, and spelling, exhibiting few errors.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

THE DEAD BIRD

The sun was shining, and the sky was as spotless as a clean chalkboard. I was feeding the birds as I was sitting on the back porch of my nana and pap pap’s house. Being a little kid, I thought that I could throw the birdseed up in the air and have the birds catch it. Since that obviously didn’t work, I started throwing it directly at the birds. This led to the beginning of a gigantic problem.

Lying on the ground right next to my feet, just dying to be picked up, was a pile of rocks. I snatched one up and hurled it at the closest bird. Amazingly, the rock struck it! The bird crashed to the ground and I immediately ran over to it. After poking it with a stick, realization hit me. I had just killed one of my nana’s birds. They weren’t her pets because she didn’t own them, but the birds did give her a lot of joy.

I felt horrible for what I had done. What would my nana think? I knew I was in deep trouble if she ever found out and at supper I tried desperately to make it seem as if nothing was bothering me. But because she was a mother she was able to pick out that something was wrong. When she asked me if anything bad had happened that made me so blue I just shrugged my shoulders. I wanted her to know that I didn’t want to talk about it and that I was really focused on filling my starving stomach. To my disappointment, she acted oblivious to my excuses and kept on asking me questions. After about what seemed like hours of interrogation, my conscience got the best of me and I just burst.

As I told my nana all the details of what happened, she sort of smiled. It made me a little uneasy, but I continued anyway. When I finished she said, “Oh Honey! I saw the whole thing, but I wanted you to tell me yourself!” I was amazed and astonished. Then she said, “I sure hope you learned your lesson on keeping things from me, though, because your conscience will always get to you.” I ran over and gave her a hug so she would know how much I thanked her and loved her.

After supper was cleaned up, Nana got out her bird book and told me a little about the kinds of birds that were in her backyard. She even gave me a picture of another bird just like the one that I accidentally killed. It reminded me, and still reminds me today, of the bad thing I did. Also, it reminds me of the kindness and forgiveness my nana lovingly showed. Throwing that rock was defiantly the wrong thing to do and I knew it. That is why I will never do it again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response e stablishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The events, characters, and outcome are described, and the lesson is learned: “ your conscience will always get to you.”

Content & Development

This response d evelops and supports ideas and characters clearly, using sufficient appropriate details. For example, in describing the grandmother’s act of kindness and its impact, the author paints a clear picture for the reader by saying: “She even gave me a picture of another bird just like the one that I accidentally killed. It reminded me, and still reminds me today, of the bad thing I did.”

Organization

This response demonstrates g ood organization and a mostly unified structure, including an introduction and conclusion. The author tells us the incident began when the author was “ feeding the birds as I was sitting on the back porch” and ends with the admission, “I will never do it again.”

Language Use & Style

This response d emonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice. Notice how the author uses a basic simile to enhance the reader’s understanding of the setting: “ the sky was as spotless as a clean chalkboard.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows g ood control of writing conventions and presents a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. Notice the author uses the word “ defiantly” when “definitely” is clearly intended.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Shopkeeper

Sara wasn’t one to steal, her friends had forced her to. Now she was being dragged to the shopkeeper’s back room to wait for her parents. The shopkeeper opened the door and shut it behind them. She sat Sara down then… sat down across from her?

“Honey,” the shopkeeper began, “would you like a cup of tea?”

“Um… sure,” said Sara, unsure of why this woman wasn’t yelling at her.

The woman got up from the chair she had just sat in and as she prepared the tea, she talked. “Now, I know you stole from my shop, but I’m pretty sure I know why, too. You have yourself in a group of ‘populars’, what with their pretty blond hair and big blue eyes, you stick out like a chicken in a pen full of peacocks.” Sara thought of her brown hair and eyes. “Now, I’m sure you all get along, but it’s obvious they’re always pressuring you about something. Oh, how much sugar would you like in your tea?”

“None, thanks.”

The shopkeeper carried over the two steaming mugs of tea, her chestnut skin stark against the glazed white ceramic. She set a mug in front of Sara. “Now, Honey, I know what it’s like. First you’re shoplifting little things, like, gum and candy, then you’ll take bigger things, like clothes and hair things. Next thing you know, you’re taking TV’s out of people’s houses.

“You’ll enjoy the thrill of it all until you’re caught. For me, it started out where I was being pressured. I got caught in the end. Are you almost done with your tea?”

Sara’s mug was empty, she had drained it fast. The shopkeeper smiled. “Now, if I ever catch you stealing in my shop again, your parents will find out. Now scat!”

Sara stood and just before leaving, she pulled a pack of gum from her pocket and placed it on the table. “This belongs to you,” she said, then left, the shopkeeper grinning at her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response a dequately establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose. Notice, however, that the essay only partially completes the task by failing to fully describe the key event (“ Sara wasn’t one to steal, her friends had forced her to”) that led to the act of kindness.

Content & Development

This response d evelops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support the events and characters. In describing the students, the shopkeeper colorfully comments, “ what with their pretty blond hair and big blue eyes, you stick out like a chicken in a pen full of peacocks.”

Organization

This response d emonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. The story begins when “ She sat Sara down then” and concludes when “Sara stood and just before leaving, she pulled a pack of gum from her pocket and placed it on the table. “

Language Use & Style

This response d emonstrates appropriate language use and word choice and attempts to use a variety of sentence structures and language to enhance the essay’s meaning. For example, the author describes the shopkeeper’s “ chestnut skin stark against the glazed white ceramic.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows a dequate control of the conventions of writing, but does exhibit some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, the author fails to properly link the following two sentences: “ Sara’s mug was empty, she had drained it fast.”

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time where kindness was used instead of punishment was when a friend of mine chose peace instead of violence. Temptation was strong in this situation but everybody knows what the right thing to do is. Violence is never the answer.

During class an incident took place. The school bully told my friend he would beat him up unless he did his homework. My friend said “ no” reluctantly. The class bully became furious and said “See you after class.” Scared but confident Alex continued his classwork. Seconds later the bell rang.

Outside of the room the bully was waiting. As soon as Alex stepped out of the room the bully put up his fist and swung at Alex. The Bullies fist landed square on Alex’s chest. Alex was furious and wanted to hit back but didn’t. He knew that it would be better to teach the bully a lesson rather than punish him. Alex then said “ go ahead, hit me again”. The bully was flustered and backed down. Alex said to the bully “ if it will make you feel better hit me again”. The bully was now completely confused. The bully replied “Why”. Alex said instead of doing your homework I could help you. The bully said, “OK”

In this situation kindness was used instead of punishment. Alex could have fought with the bully but instead decided to help him. This is a situation that kindness was used instead of punishment.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response does e stablish a controlling idea (“ Violence is never the answer ”) but fails to fully explain the critical event, the characters, and the meaning of the main character’s response.

Content & Development

This response d evelops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. The characters, the incident, and the outcome receive little attention. The act of kindness, for example, is not fully explained: “ Alex could have fought with the bully but instead decided to help him.”

Organization

This response d emonstrates limited evidence of structure in attempting to introduce and conclude the essay. Notice the simple language used: “One time where kindness was used” and “In this situation kindness was used instead of punishment.”

Language Use & Style

This response uses s imple language and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. Several sentences are very short (“ During class an incident took place” and “Seconds later the bell rang”) and could be made more effective if they were embellished.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response exhibits several noticeable grammatical errors that interfere with the understanding of the essay. In particular, the author does not appropriately use dialogue throughout the essay, making it hard for the reader to know what the characters are saying (“The bully replied ‘Why’. Alex said instead of doing your homework I could help you”).

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time I went to see the Philadelphia Phillies. And before I went I bought a pair of Oakley sunglasses. The Oakley’s are called Oakley m frame. The color was an orange lens and a silver lens.

And my dad bought those for me they were 145 dollars. I went to the batheroom and I got back to my seat and they were not there. I was very disappointed.

As soon as I saw that they were not there I went straight to the fan accommodations. They said none turned them in. I doubt they wou’d be there because its Philly.

I said to myself my Oakley’s have a 1-year warranty if they are scratched. But I lost them that are my fault. My dad was little upset but he said that’s okay. People lose things; I said thanks for telling me that dad. Also not getting mad

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response s uggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose of the task. The author suggests an act of kindness (“ My dad was little upset but he said that’s okay”) but it is not linked to a meaningful outcome or triggering incident.

Content & Development

This response d evelops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. The author has little to say about the key event (“ One time I went to see the Philadelphia Phillies”) or about any of the characters.

Organization

This response d emonstrates little evidence of a unified structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of transitional devices. The author provides for no meaningful connections from one paragraph to another.

Language Use & Style

This response shows poor language use, making many basic errors in sentence structure (“ And before I went I bought a pair of Oakley sunglasses” and “Also not getting mad“) , word choice, and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response contains s ignificant errors in grammar (“But I lost them that are my fault”) , mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ batheroom” and “wou’d”) th at substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

WHEN I GOT PICKED ON

When I was in kindergarten I got in trouble for standing up on the bus trying to get my schoolwork back. My bus driver didn’t anything to stop them from opening my book bag. My mom in to make corn husk dolls and they took that out and my bus driver just said that’s no good throw it out. The next day my mom went on the bus and talked to him, he said your making me late lets meat at A+P but he never came so my mom drove me to school and talked to the princeple later I got called down to her. John Smith was also there with some other witnisewsses. Then I had to pickout the ones that were doing this. Then that afternoon I got assigned a seat with a nether kid who was soposse to protect me from getting picked on.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response f ails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the prompt.

Content & Development

This response f ails to develop ideas, characters, or events. The author does not provide the reader with an act of kindness, for example, but instead describes a seemingly random negative event.

Organization

This response shows no evidence of a unified structure. Notice that the author does not include a meaningful introduction or conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This response uses unclear language, with no awareness of the audience and poor word choice. The author does not effectively use descriptive language to modify the characters and events.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response contains m ajor errors in grammar (“ My bus driver didn’t anything to stop them from opening my book bag”) and spelling (“ princeple “ and “soposse”) that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

A Day as a Bird

Imagine that you wake up one morning to discover that you have somehow been changed into a bird. What do you think might now happen? What do you think you might now do? Write a story telling what happened the day you were changed into a bird. Explain the setting and details of the experience. Tell your story in an interesting way to engage the reader. Remember to make sure the reader has enough details about your experience so he or she can picture it in his or her mind.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A Day as a Bird

One morning I slowly started to awake when I noticed a strange feeling in my arms and legs. The feeling had not been there when I had gone to bed, I wondered what it was. I started to open my eyes and realized that my head was feeling funny too, along with me eyes, my mouth and my nose. A strange sensation was coursing through my body. I did not know what was going on but I got up so I could tell my mom. When I tried to swing my legs off the bed, it did not work. I wondered to myself what in the world was wrong. Then as I tried to get off my bed I knew I could not, it was bigger than when I went to sleep and the squares on my comforter looked funny. The confusion of what was going on was overwhelming. I just wanted to put my hands on my face and cry but there was something fuzzy on my hands. When I looked to see what it was I was mortified, oh my goodness, I had feathers on my hands! Suddenly I began to panic and yelled out asking my mom where she was. I started to stand when I saw my feet, where were my toes and my pink nail polish? Uh oh, I started falling off the bed and onto the floor. There was a desperate hope that I could grab a hold of something, anything, but I was helpless. I hit the floor with a thud and stood up to inspect the damage. Nothing had been hurt too bad, just a couple sore spots. As I looked around to get my bearings, I saw that everything was so big! Then I began to understand that I was a bird! How in the world could this have happened to me? What had I done different last night? I had no idea why or how or who had turned me into a bird but I needed to figure out how to turn myself back into a woman again and quick.

I walked into the hallway and headed downstairs. As always, I knew my mom would be in the kitchen cooking breakfast for my dad and littler siblings. As I was attempting to hop down the stairs, I saw the biggest animal I had ever seen! And it was coming straight for me! I began hopping back up the red carpeted stairs as fast as I could but the animal was getting closer. When I got to the top of the stairs, I started running toward my room. Our golden retriever was barking and chasing after me. As I was swinging my arms in a strange way the tile on the floor suddenly began falling. Wait; was it actually possible that I was getting higher? Was I flying across the room? This was unbelievable! Every child dreams of being able to fly, and here I was doing it. At first it was not a very smooth flight, but as I kept at it I got better. It was a wonderful feeling of gracefulness and freedom. I saw that my parent's window was open and I knew it would stay that way so I flew outside. The world around me that I knew so well suddenly became new and exciting. I had never looked on it in this way and it made me want to explore it with my new found transportation.

I wondered where I would go first. My plan that day was to go to the library and do research for my school project. I knew that was out of the question and tried to think of another place. Maybe I could check out the park and see what was going on there. It was a little difficult to maneuver my body to turn the way I wanted but I caught on quickly. Flying around in little circles, diving down towards the ground then going up towards the sky, it was so much fun. Eventually I made my way to the park enjoying the view immensely. There were children playing on the tire swing, the see saw and the slide. The merry-go-round was empty so I decided to take a little rest there. Before I knew what was happening two little boys started throwing rocks at me. Man, did that hurt! I quickly flew to a safer resting place up in the big Oak tree. What in the world had gotten into those boys? Well, at least I was safe up here.

I had an itch on my right wing so I began picking it with my beak. I burst out laughing when I realized what I was doing and thought of how I would normally be horrified. As I was still wondering at the changes in myself I heard a low hiss. I looked only to see an orange tabby cat sitting on the branch a few feet away from me. It was crouching down with its ears laid back flat against its head. Its green eyes were full of a devilish light. It did not look pleased with me and I knew that if I did not act quickly I could become cat food. Carefully I straightened my feet so I could launch off when the cat leapt towards me. With a mighty heave I jumped off the branch and began soaring away from the horrible beast. It was way too close a call for me so I decided to explore somewhere else for a while. I was hoping for a place a little quieter with fewer children around and no monsters. Maybe I would try the grocery store parking lot; before it seemed there were always birds around there. Yes, that should be a great place to check out.

While I was flying, I noticed a commotion over towards the local bowling ally so I decided to check it out on the way. There was an accident of three cars on Main Street . No one knew what do so they were running around yelling in a frenzy. Finally someone called 911. The police, ambulance and fire truck came rushing around the corner. Thankfully not one person was hurt badly. A few broken bones and some scraped up elbows, but generally just fine. As I was getting ready to take off once again, I noticed an old gray seagull sitting next to a young white one underneath a bush. The younger one seemed to be in pain and the older one seemed to be comforting him. I flew over to say hello and see if they were ok. While I was landing the older bird welcomed me but the younger one was only concerned with his hurt wing. He was putting up quite the show for us. I asked if he was going to be ok and what had happened. Apparently he was racing his friend across the street and collided with the car. He must have caused the accident by upsetting one of the drivers. I felt torn between being angry with him for his foolishness and sympathizing with his adventurous spirit. Instead of commenting I asked them what their names were. The old gray birds' name was Randall and the young one was Nicky. They lived on the top of the apartment building across from the gas station. They knew the place that I lived but had never met a bird that lived there. I was going to tell them why but decided it sounded too crazy and I would not want to scare of my new friends. Instead I asked what they were going to do about the injured wing. We knew it was not broken but it did not look the greatest. They said they would just take him home and it would heal in time. I was curious about their home but did not want to seem presumptuous. Just as I was about to say goodbye, they invited me to come along. I was excited about going to a real bird home. We all flew off together with Nicky in the middle in case he needed help.

As we were nearing the apartment building, I wondered how we would get in. We would not be able to open the doors, but maybe they had some plan. When we arrived instead of aiming for the door, as I thought they would, they flew up to the roof. I realized my silly mistake in thinking they lived in one of the apartments instead of the in the attic. They had found themselves an opening between boards that they could squeeze through to enter. Inside for a bed they had gathered insulation to sleep on. Since insulation usually made me itch, I wondered how it would turn out today. I was careful not to get too much on me in case it made me itch again. Frantically scratching did not seem like a very good impression. Much to my surprise, the insulation did not make me itch at all. My feathers were thick enough to keep it away from my skin. My new friends asked if I was hungry, and as my stomach growled I said I was. They pulled out a scrap of bread that looked as if it had been there a while, but I was too hungry to ask. I enjoyed the simple meal and kind fellowship, but I knew it was getting late and I had better head home. I thanked them for their hospitality and kindness then bid them goodbye.

The sky was just getting dark when I got to my parents open window. I slipped inside and went to my room. My parents were probably unaware of anything being amiss since they thought I would be gone all day anyway. They were accustomed to me studying late and would not have wondered at my missing presence. When I flopped onto my bed I wondered how long it would be until they would notice, and how long I would stay this way. It had been an enjoyable day and I liked my new friends, but I missed my parents, my dog and my toothbrush. Instead of worrying about it since it was out of my control I just scrawled under the blankets to get a good nights rest. I decided to try and figure it out in the morning. As I drifted off to sleep, I wondered what the rest of my life would be like if I never became a woman again? Where would I stay and what would my parents think? Never mind, I guess it will resolve itself in the morning.

As I came slowly awake, I noticed that my pillow must have shrunk in the night, because when I had lain down it was much bigger. I also noticed that I could feel my toes, and my fingers and my face. They were not as fuzzy as they were. I swung my feet off the bed and they hit the floor. When I looked into the mirror, I saw my blonde hair, my blue eyes and my cheeks. There were no feathers, my beak and no wings. I was back to myself again! This I could not believe. Rushing downstairs I saw my mom in the kitchen cooking breakfast for my dad and younger siblings. Our dog was sitting on his bed chewing a bone and my place at the table was set. Everyone greeted me and asked me how I slept. I told them I had slept wonderfully. As I sat down at the table to eggs, bacon and toast I felt as if yesterday had just been a dream. I had never been a bird or flown around town. Maybe everything was just my imagination. Either way, I was glad to be back to normal again. I had missed everything, but I had learned to appreciate other things as well. Never again would I look at birds the same. Joy filled my heart as we bowed our heads and thanked the Lord for His blessings. I added an extra thank you for my family and my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this narrative, the author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. (“ Then I began to understand that I was a bird! How in the world could this have happened to me? What had I done different last night? I had no idea why or how or who had turned me into a bird but I needed to figure out how to turn myself back into a woman again and quick. ”) Throughout the experiences this bird encounters, the author is able to maintain the central idea through extensive description and details, which are very relevant to the story.

Content & Development

The author p rovides a detailed and developed plot that begins in the morning with the realization that the author has become a bird. The author takes the reader through a series of challenges from being chased by the family dog (“As I was attempting to hop down the stairs, I saw the biggest animal I had ever seen! And it was coming straight for me! I began hopping back up the red carpeted stairs as fast as I could but the animal was getting closer. When I got to the top of the stairs, I started running toward my room. Our golden retriever was barking and chasing after me.”) to learning to fly (“As I was swinging my arms in a strange way the tile on the floor suddenly began falling. Wait; was it actually possible that I was getting higher? Was I flying across the room? This was unbelievable! Every child dreams of being able to fly, and here I was doing it. At first it was not a very smooth flight, but as I kept at it I got better. It was a wonderful feeling of gracefulness and freedom”).

Organization

This essay is very well organized. The clever introduction quickly c aptures the reader’s attention (“One morning I slowly started to awake when I noticed a strange feeling in my arms and legs. The feeling had not been there when I had gone to bed, I wondered what it was. I started to open my eyes and realized that my head was feeling funny too, along with me eyes, my mouth and my nose. A strange sensation was coursing through my body”). The story flows smoothly through the body, where the paragraphs are logically focused on key parts of the author’s narrative. The conclusion effectively pulls the entire story together. (“As I sat down at the table to eggs, bacon and toast I felt as if yesterday had just been a dream. I had never been a bird or flown around town. Maybe everything was just my imagination. Either way, I was glad to be back to normal again. I had missed everything, but I had learned to appreciate other things as well.”)

Language Use & Style

This writer uses language very effectively. Sentences are properly structured and demonstrate variety. (“ As we were nearing the apartment building, I wondered how we would get in. We would not be able to open the doors, but maybe they had some plan. When we arrived instead of aiming for the door, as I thought they would, they flew up to the roof. I realized my silly mistake in thinking they lived in one of the apartments instead of the in the attic.”) Word choice is precise and demonstrates an appropriate control over voice. (“The confusion of what was going on was overwhelming. I just wanted to put my hands on my face and cry but there was something fuzzy on my hands. When I looked to see what it was I was mortified, oh my goodness, I had feathers on my hands! ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s ability to control the conventions and mechanics of writing is very strong. While not completely error-free (“ Nothing had been hurt too bad”) , very few mistakes in punctuation, grammar, and spelling are noticeable.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"ZZZZZ...."I saw the sun rising above me, it was out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't help but notice that my heart was thumping ten times faster than usual. At this point in the morning I was far too relaxed to care.

As minutes pass my eyes creep open. The trees above me were no big deal, for the night before I was camping out in my back yard. For some reason my camping cot got real itchy, and more firm than usual. Again I was still too relaxed to notice the changes. As my eyes were half open and gazing forward, I saw a pointy yellow-orange object in front of my face. In time it was making me cross eyed. I quickly jumped thinking that the pointy thing could be a poisons spider, string down his web. Then I swatted at that insect,"OUCH!"

Though how obvious it was, I said to myself,"How on gods green earth am I a bird?" Not to offend and birds because I love Twenty, but this is ridiculous.

I had no idea what to do, I was sitting in a small nest in the tree tops. Although I am thirteen I still don't know how to fly. I am like as dependant as a baby right now. As millions of thoughts were racing through my head, I did the only thing a 13 year old baby could do. I screamed"Help, I am afeared of heights!" My voice was no longer deep and manly, it was a squeaky chirp.

I had to think of a solution, it was to get down, then I could at least be on solid ground and see my parents. I had to learn how to communicate with the other birds around me, maybe they will fly me down. A fellow cardinal flew to a branch above me and sang. I actually understood his song. I didn't want to interrupt him so I waited until he was finished. Then I said, in bird language"can you help me down to the ground?'

The cardinal replied "No you must learn like every other bird in town."

I asked,"How is that?"

The male cardinal said in a deep tone, flying away,"Jump."

I was a desperate little bird, so I did just what the Eldor cardinal told me. I stood to the ledge of the branch my nest was on. I took a deep breath. My knees bent inwards a little bit, and I sprung in the air. I was flapping my wings a millions times per second. It felt great and seemed I was weightless. "Uh-oo", I thought why am I going down and not up, or at least staying in place. Right then and there I new I was going to fall to my little birdie death. I look down I was thirty feet from the ground, I was speeding up going great velocities. Now my nose was ten feet away from the ground,five,then two. I closed my eyes and tucked in.

My adrenaline was rushing, I opened my eyes one last time for a final glimpse. I didn't see my short life coming to an end, I saw the green grass, and my cot. I noticed I was slightly elevated, about a foot off the ground. My heart beat winded down, i new i wasnt about to die, i was just in my little brown cot in my backyeard. A sigh broke out as sweat dripped down my face. I thought to myself, "it was only a dream"

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Right at the beginning of this essay, the author demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task at hand. (“ Though how obvious it was, I said to myself, ‘How on gods green earth am I a bird?’ Not to offend and birds because I love Twenty, but this is ridiculous. I had no idea what to do, I was sitting in a small nest in the tree tops. “) This controlling idea is maintained through the author’s use of description and detail to develop his/her story.

Content & Development

The plot of this essay is well-developed and believable, despite the premise that the author has turned into a bird. Notice, for instance, how the author remains rooted in the details of the story (“I was a desperate little bird, so I did just what the Eldor cardinal told me. I stood to the ledge of the branch my nest was on. I took a deep breath. My knees bent inwards a little bit, and I sprung in the air. I was flapping my wings a millions times per second. It felt great and seemed I was weightless. ‘Uh-oo’, I thought why am I going down and not up, or at least staying in place. Right then and there I new I was going to fall to my little birdie death”). The main character is well-developed and faces a variety of conflicts and challenges. This story is so detailed and effective, it actually enhances the reader’s appreciation of the author’s predicament.

Organization

This essay shows g ood organization. The opening of story appropriately piques the reader’s interest (“’ZZZZZ....’I saw the sun rising above me, it was out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't help but notice that my heart was thumping ten times faster than usual. “).Throughout, the story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. Additionally, the conclusion does a good job of appropriately ending the story and wrapping up the loose ends. (“My heart beat winded down, i new i wasnt about to die, i was just in my little brown cot in my backyeard. A sigh broke out as sweat dripped down my face. I thought to myself, ‘it was only a dream’“)

Language Use & Style

Demonstrating appropriate language and word choice, the author’s voice is evident in this essay. (“As minutes pass my eyes creep open. The trees above me were no big deal, for the night before I was camping out in my back yard. For some reason my camping cot got real itchy, and more firm than usual. Again I was still too relaxed to notice the changes. “) Sentences are properly structured and exhibit some variety. (“As my eyes were half open and gazing forward, I saw a pointy yellow-orange object in front of my face. In time it was making me cross eyed. I quickly jumped thinking that the pointy thing could be a poisons spider, string down his web. Then I swatted at that insect,’OUCH!’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s ability to control the conventions and mechanics of writing is strong. Minor errors in grammar, punctuation (“ i new i wasn’t”) , and spelling (“ afeared “) can be detected, though they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One morning I woke up to find myself white. I was so white and feathery I started to scream, but it was a bird call. I then started to panic, I didn't know how I got this way and didn't know when I was going to change back. Then I started to think that it would be ok because if I'm a bird then I could fly but I didn't know what kind of bird I was so I went to the mirror and to my surprise I found out that I was a swan. A big beautiful swan. I was so glad that I wasn't an ugly bird and also glad I could fly.

When I first went to fly, I was kind of scared because I had never flown before, but once I was in the air all I could think of were was I going to go, who was I going to see. Then I thought again that I was a bird and couldn't talk and couldn't go anywhere but the pond. That's were I went. I went to the pond. While I was at the I saw alot of fine guys, but then I thought to myself I cant talk and I now realized how much I missed being a human girl. I went home and no one was there so I went up in my room to try to figure out what had happened to turn me into a bird.

I was wondering if I was dreaming. I had to be dreaming because it was not possible for a human girl at any age and healthy to turn into a bird. So I tried to go back to sleep but I just wasn't comfortable on the bed and I had to make a nest on the floor. When I woke up again it was still the same night and I was still a swan. Then my mom came in my room and kicked me out because I was a swan and I didn't belong in the house. While I was outside I was wishing on a star saying that if my wish would come true and I would become a human again that I would try my hardest not to be bad and that I would do anything. Then I started to cry and finally I fell asleep. The next day I woke up in my bed and I wasn't a swan anymore I was my old self again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

An adequate narrative, this essay briefly describes what it might be like to be a bird for a day, but the author is unable to use this writing prompt to reveal any deeper insight (“ I didn't know what kind of bird I was so I went to the mirror and to my surprise I found out that I was a swan. A big beautiful swan. I was so glad that I wasn't an ugly bird and also glad I could fly ”). With a basic interpretation of the purpose of the task, the author addresses the intended audience and mostly completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The plot of this narrative is reasonably developed. As a bird, the author has several notable experiences (“ That's were I went. I went to the pond” and “I just wasn't comfortable on the bed and I had to make a nest on the floor ”). At the end of the story, the climax is achieved when the author wishes to turn back into a human (“ While I was outside I was wishing on a star saying that if my wish would come true and I would become a human again that I would try my hardest not to be bad and that I would do anything. Then I started to cry and finally I fell asleep ”).

Organization

The author opens this essay in an interesting way (“ One morning I woke up to find myself white. I was so white and feathery I started to scream, but it was a bird call ”) in an attempt to grab the reader’s attention. The body of the essay flows well from one event to the next; the conclusion ends the narrative quickly and with little fanfare.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is plain and lacks the descriptive flourish that could distinguish this narrative. While the author d emonstrates an awareness of the audience and controls his/her voice, s/he does display some difficulty in crafting complete and whole sentences (“ While I was at the I saw alot of fine guys” and “A big beautiful swan”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is adequate. Few distracting errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling have been introduced into this essay.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A Day in the Life of a Bird

One morning when I was having a beautiful sleep I saw a big bright light so I woke up in a very bad mood because I was having a beautiful sleep and a light woke me up. So I woke up in a weird mood because my whole body was full of hair, "very warm actually" and also my bed was a nest and also a bird was sleeping next to me so I realized that,"I WAS A BIRD" so I paniced. And later I paniced more because "my mother bird" came and with the nastiest food I would taste if that was the last meal in the world, " WORMS !!!". I couldn't eat then but since I was starving to death I took a try and it was actually pretty good so then I got another worm and it tasted better than the other worm that I tried at first. Then the most weirdest thing happen, my "mother bird" said that we have to go and fly to go and visit "my aunt and cousins" and I actually understood her in a bird language. But the thing that I was afraid about is flying so then I just wanted to take a try so I closed my eyes and just jumped out of the nest and tried to fly. So when I opened my eyes I was flying, I mean I was really flying and ot felt really good like you feel like you are free. Suddenly I hear a peson screaming my name and guess what? I was dreaming so I woke up and so I got ready for school and before I left my room I saw a bird's nest with a mother bird and two little baby birds.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay communicates a limited narrative to the intended audience. While the author is attempting to address the writing prompt through a controlling idea (“ So I woke up in a weird mood because my whole body was full of hair, "very warm actually" and also my bed was a nest and also a bird was sleeping next to me so I realized that,"I WAS A BIRD" so I paniced. ”), s/he has difficulty creating a compelling story, and thus fails to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author attempts to create an adequate plot in this story, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of events. (“ And later I paniced more because "my mother bird" came and with the nastiest food I would taste if that was the last meal in the world, " WORMS !!!". I couldn't eat then but since I was starving to death I took a try and it was actually pretty good so then I got another worm and it tasted better than the other worm that I tried at first.”) The climax of the story occurs when the bird attempts to fly; however, this important plot point lacks appropriate development. (“ But the thing that I was afraid about is flying so then I just wanted to take a try so I closed my eyes and just jumped out of the nest and tried to fly. So when I opened my eyes I was flying, I mean I was really flying and ot felt really good like you feel like you are free.”)

Organization

The organizational structure of this narrative is limited. The op ening of this narrative attempts to grab the reader’s attention but does not do so effectively. (“One morning when I was having a beautiful sleep I saw a big bright light so I woke up in a very bad mood because I was having a beautiful sleep and a light woke me up.”) The short story lacks much action, so it is hard to say that the events flow logically. The author attempts to conclude the story appropriately, but once again, s/he fails due to lack of development. (“Suddenly I hear a peson screaming my name and guess what? I was dreaming so I woke up and so I got ready for school and before I left my room I saw a bird's nest with a mother bird and two little baby birds.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple and frequently confused. Several instances of poor sentence structure and repetition are noticeable. (“ One morning when I was having a beautiful sleep I saw a big bright light so I woke up in a very bad mood because I was having a beautiful sleep and a light woke me up. So I woke up in a weird mood because my whole body was full of hair, ‘very warm actually’ and also my bed was a nest and also a bird was sleeping next to me so I realized that,’I WAS A BIRD’ so I paniced.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics is evident in this short essay. Several noticeable mistakes in grammar (“ the most weirdest thing”) , punctuation, and spelling (“ peson “ and “ paniced” ) occur. These errors somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Day in life as a bird

If i could be a bird i would be a hawk so i can be king of the sky.I would fly around and say hi to people and tell them that i'm finaly a hawk.I would go try to catch the animals that hawks cacth and eat so i

can see what there food taste like.The i would go visit my parents.

I would take all my friends for a ride in the sky,and they would sit on my back when they go for a ride.Then i would go to where ohther hawks live and see what the life of a hawk really is,to see if it's good or bad.

Most likely it would probly be bad because of all the hunters and pollution.The bald eagle probly lives a good life because it is

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author displays only a limited understanding of this writing prompt. While the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“If i could be a bird i would be a hawk so i can be king of the sky”), the author is unable to create an interesting story that communicates a complete message to the intended audience. Thus, this essay fails to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

This response demonstrates minimal content development. While some description is included, it is certainly insufficient and inadequate. (“I would take all my friends for a ride in the sky,and they would sit

on my back when they go for a ride.Then i would go to where ohther hawks live and see what the life of a hawk really is,to see if it's good or bad.”) The author is unable to properly develop a cohesive plot and setting. The main character remains undeveloped and the story lacks the conflict or tension that would make it interesting.

Organization

The opening of this story fails to grasp the reader’s attention or provide a compelling reason for the reader to continue reading the story. Since the essay lacks any substantive events, it does not demonstrate a logical flow or sequence of events. No meaningful concluding remarks, other than the wishful “ I will have a nice familly and a biutiful husdan, ” can be detected.

Language Use & Style

The style of language utilized by the author can best be described as poor. Basic errors in sentence structure and word usage are prevalent. (“I would fly around and say hi to people and tell them that i'm finaly a hawk.I would go try to catch the animals that hawks cacth and eat so i can see what there food taste like.”) Little awareness of the audience is noticeable.

Mechanics & Conventions

Numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“i'm”), and spelling (“cacth”, “ohther”, and “probly”) are visible. The author’s poor control of the conventions and mechanics of writing make proper comprehension of the essay difficult.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One day I woke up and i was bird. I got really freaked out because was a bird. so I ran to my mom and she said I wasa birrdand I said r4eally so i remembered that the night before i wsasmessing around with a stray bird and it threw all kinds of feathers In my facweI think It wasa magic bird and it threwso magic posion and it made me a big bird yellow ugly bird.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The response demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the response begins with an attempt at addressing the prompt (“ One day I woke up and i was bird.”) , the remainder of the response shows no understanding of the purpose of the task or its intended audience.

Content & Development

This response certainly lacks an identifiable plot or setting. Although the author begins to tell a story (“ so I ran to my mom and she said I wasa birrdand I said r4eally so i remembered that the night before i wsasmessing around with a stray bird and it threw all kinds of feathers In my facweI think It wasa magic bird”) , it is completely incomprehensible and undeveloped.

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a five-line essay. The response lacks basic organization. While there is some semblance of an introduction (“ One day I woke up and i was bird.”) there is no middle and no conclusion. Transitional devices are not noticeable.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates inadequate language use. Sentences contain severe errors in structure. (“ so I ran to my mom and she said I wasa birrdand I said r4eally so i remembered that the night before i wsasmessing around with a stray bird and it threw all kinds of feathers”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“facweI”), grammar, and punctuation (“she said I wasa birrdand”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

A Day in Ancient Pompeii

The ancient city of Pompeii was completely covered by volcanic ash after the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD. Imagine that you have been transported to the ancient city of Pompeii just a few days prior to the volcano's eruption.

Write an imaginative story about your experiences in Pompeii . Be sure to include details from your studies about the customs, meals, jobs, and other aspects of daily life for a citizen of ancient Pompeii to make your story more realistic.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun was out, birds were chirping, and the lawn was vivid with green. It was 8:00 a.m. and my cell phone rang. I flinched from the ring and answered it.

“Hello?” There was a moment of silence. “Oh yes, is this Edward?” I noticed that familiar voice. It was Professor Irata, my old science teacher from college. “Oh Irata, how may I help you?” “Hello Edward, I was wondering if you could come to my house. I have to show you something.” “Sure thing Irata.” I got into my car and drove off.

As I got to Irata’s house, I saw a dim light coming from the basement window. I walked up to the door and knocked twice, I noticed the basement light went out. “Hello? Professor Irata?” In just a millisecond the door swung open. “Ah Edward! Glad you could come!” “What is this you are wanting to show me professor?” “Hold that thought and follow me to the basement.” We silently walked down the stairs. The professor flipped the light switch. “Be hold! A fully working time machine!” He yanked off the sheet. To my surprise the machine was rather bulky. “So professor, why did you build a time machine?” “Good question. I built this fantastic device to see my old homeland, Pompeii ! Only that it’s 2,000 years ago!” “Cool, I didn’t know you were Roman!” “Oh but I am.” All of a sudden there was a strange beeping noise. “Oh I’m sorry Edward, but I forgot I need to buy a few things from the store. Could you stay here?” “Sure thing professor.” He quickly ran up the stairs and out the door with a loud bang. I decided to check out the machine. There was over a hundred different buttons on the control panel! Just then I tripped over a book lying on the ground and accidentally hit the travel switch!

“Oh...w-what happened?” I woke up with a fright. “W-where am I?” I saw old brick houses, horse-drawn wagons, and a giant volcano. A man in a yellowish robe walked by. “Excuse me, sir but do you know were I am?” The man just looked at me and mumbled some foreign language.

“Oh no, I must be in Pompeii !”

I took a good look around Pompeii . I noticed stone covered streets and stores opening right on to the street. The buildings were made of stone and some were covered with moss. Life was abundant with birds chirping and small animals climbing trees. Just like home. The sun was extremely hot and there was not a source of water to be found. I finally stood up and decided to walk around. I walked to the center of the town which several stores could be found. I found a store with jars full of water. “Excuse me sir, but I would like to have some water.” Just like the man before, he just glared at me like I was an enemy. I pointed to the water jug. The man smiled at me and gave a jar. “Thank you, sir!” I walked back to the market place. The sun was still very hot. I took a drink from my jar. As I drank, I saw a huge volcano, miles from the town. I decided to go check it out.

It was already 5:00 p.m. and I reached the volcano. All of a sudden, there was a large rumble in the ground. “What’s happening??” Then it stopped. It was just a small earthquake. I was glad that nothing had been destroyed. rumble...rumble... I was hungry. I forgot about the volcano and went back to town. I found a restaurant that look nice. Sure it was plain looking but it was better than nothing. I went inside. “Hello sir!” “I would like to have something to eat.” “Sure thing, sir.” The man was talking in English like we could be from another country! “Oh great, you speak English!” “Yes, now would you like your food?” “Oh yes.” The man gave me a plate. The food was noodles and tomato sauce, just like Italian food. That’s right, Pompeii is in ancient Rome which is in Italy ! “Thank you kindly!” I ate the food like a wild animal. “So sir, since you can speak English, could you tell me about this place?” The man smiled kindly. “Why yes. This is Pompeii . A beautiful vacation spot in Rome ! Most retired folk come here to relax. We are also located by the sea!” “Thank you sir, that’s all I need to know!” I walked out the door.

I looked at my watch. I was 9:47 p.m. I guess I should find somewhere to sleep. Luckily there was a hotel right by the restaurant. I walked inside. The man looked exactly like the previous. “Don’t I know you?” “No, you’re thinking of my brother.” “Oh...anyway, may I have a room?” “Sure.” He reached underneath his counter and pulled out a rather bulky key. “Here you are sir. Your room is the second to the right on the second floor.” “Thank you!” I lumbered up the stone stairs and found my room. I pushed the key, unlocked the door, and walked in.

The room was a plain stone room without any windows. The furniture was all made of stone, like everything else. The only thing was different, was the bed. The bed was made of silk and filled with cotton. With a large silk blanket covering it and cotton filled pillows. Just like home. I plopped on to the bed and had a good night’s sleep.

The next morning, I woke up with a fright. The entire room was shaking! I rushed down the stairs and left the door. I noticed a huge cloud of smoke in the sky. The volcano had erupted! Hundreds of citizens were screaming at the top of their lungs and running mindlessly. All of a sudden, a huge tidal wave of ash and rock was crushing everything in sight. I decided to follow the other people and ran. After minutes of running, I escaped Pompeii . The whole village was destroyed. Buildings collapsed, plants were crushed, and humans were trapped. It was inescapable. I was fortunate to get out of the debris. If only Professor Irata could see this historical event in Ancient Rome!

As I was walking in the fields, I noticed my watch. There was a small button I have never seen before. I decided to press it. All of a sudden, my vision began to blur and everything around me was filled with bright, vivid colors. “Ugh...”. “W..what happened?” I woke up. I slowly opened my eyes. A bookcase in one corner and a lamp in the other. A staircase was leading up . “I..I must be back in Irata's house!” “My dear boy, are you all right?” I knew that voice, it was Irata! “Oh Irata! I’ve missed you! I was in Pompeii and..and I ate Roman food and..” “Calm down my friend, don’t pass out again!” “You never left...” “But..but it was so real.” “I don’t know, you must’ve had a dream.” “I know, what time is it?” “It is only 10:30.” “Oh...so it was a dream after all. I visited Pompeii , saw the tragic volcano erupt and ate Roman food.” “Some dream you must have had.” I thought to myself, “I guess it was...”

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are established in this essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are all relevant to the story of a day in ancient Pompeii .

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is demonstrated very effectively. (“As I got to Irata’s house, I saw a dim light coming from the basement window. I walked up to the door and knocked twice, I noticed the basement light went out. ‘Hello? Professor Irata?’ In just a millisecond the door swung open. ‘Ah Edward! Glad you could come!’ ‘What is this you are wanting to show me professor?’ ‘Hold that thought and follow me to the basement.’ We silently walked down the stairs. The professor flipped the light switch. ‘Be hold! A fully working time machine!’ He yanked off the sheet. To my surprise the machine was rather bulky. ‘So professor, why did you build a time machine?’ ‘Good question.’ ‘I built this fantastic device to see my old homeland, Pompeii ! Only that it’s 2,000 years ago!’ ‘Cool, I didn’t know you were Roman!’ ‘Oh but I am.’ All of a sudden there was a strange beeping noise. ‘Oh I’m sorry Edward, but I forgot I need to buy a few things from the store. Could you stay here?’ ‘Sure thing professor.’ He quickly ran up the stairs and out the door with a loud bang. I decided to check out the machine. There was over a hundred different buttons on the control panel! Just then I tripped over a book lying on the ground and accidentally hit the travel switch! … ‘Oh...w-what happened?’ I woke up with a fright. ‘W-where am I?’ I saw old brick houses, horse-drawn wagons, and a giant volcano. A man in a yellowish robe walked by. ‘Excuse me, sir but do you know were I am?’ The man just looked at me and mumbled some foreign language. … ‘Oh no, I must be in Pompeii !’”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed very effectively. (“It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun was out, birds were chirping, and the lawn was vivid with green. It was 8:00 a.m. and my cell phone rang. I flinched from the ring and answered it. … I took a good look around Pompeii . I noticed stone covered streets and stores opening right on to the street. The buildings were made of stone and some were covered with moss. Life was abundant with birds chirping and small animals climbing trees. Just like home. The sun was extremely hot and there was not a source of water to be found. I finally stood up and decided to walk around. I walked to the center of the town which several stores could be found. I found a store with jars full of water.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“The room was a plain stone room without any windows. The furniture was all made of stone, like everything else. The only thing was different, was the bed. The bed was made of silk and filled with cotton. With a large silk blanket covering it and cotton filled pillows. Just like home. I plopped on to the bed and had a good night’s sleep.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“I took a good look around Pompeii . I noticed stone covered streets and stores opening right on to the street. The buildings were made of stone and some were covered with moss. Life was abundant with birds chirping and small animals climbing trees. Just like home. The sun was extremely hot and there was not a source of water to be found. I finally stood up and decided to walk around. I walked to the center of the town which several stores could be found. I found a store with jars full of water. ‘Excuse me sir, but I would like to have some water.’ Just like the man before, he just glared at me like I was an enemy. I pointed to the water jug. The man smiled at me and gave a jar. ‘Thank you, sir!’ I walked back to the market place. The sun was still very hot. I took a drink from my jar. As I drank, I saw a huge volcano, miles from the town. I decided to go check it out. …

It was already 5:00 p.m. and I reached the volcano. All of a sudden, there was a large rumble in the ground. ‘What’s happening??’ Then it stopped. It was just a small earthquake. I was glad that nothing had been destroyed. rumble...rumble... I was hungry. I forgot about the volcano and went back to town. I found a restaurant that looked nice. Sure it was plain looking, but it was better than nothing. I went inside.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are apparent in this essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The conflict/problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story is clearly established. Dialogue is used very effectively to reveal the main character’s thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“The next morning, I woke up with a fright. The entire room was shaking! I rushed down the stairs and left the door. I noticed a huge cloud of smoke in the sky. The volcano had erupted! Hundreds of citizens were screaming at the top of their lungs and running mindlessly. All of a sudden, a huge tidal wave of ash and rock was crushing everything in sight. I decided to follow the other people and ran. After minutes of running, I escaped Pompeii . The whole village was destroyed. Buildings collapsed, plants were crushed, and humans were trapped. It was inescapable. I was fortunate to get out of the debris. If only Professor Irata could see this historical event in Ancient Rome!”)

There is very effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun was out, birds were chirping, and the lawn was vivid with green. It was 8:00 a.m. and my cell phone rang. … I took a good look around Pompeii . I noticed stone covered streets and stores opening right on to the street. The buildings were made of stone and some were covered with moss. Life was abundant with birds chirping and small animals climbing trees. Just like home. The sun was extremely hot and there was not a source of water to be found. I finally stood up and decided to walk around. I walked to the center of the town which several stores could be found. I found a store with jars full of water. … The room was a plain stone room without any windows. The furniture was all made of stone, like everything else. The only thing was different, was the bed. The bed was made of silk and filled with cotton. With a large silk blanket covering it and cotton filled pillows. Just like home. I plopped on to the bed and had a good night’s sleep.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem/conflict. (“ ‘Oh...w-what happened?’ I woke up with a fright. ‘W-where am I?’ I saw old brick houses, horse-drawn wagons, and a giant volcano. A man in a yellowish robe walked by. ‘Excuse me, sir but do you know were I am?’ The man just looked at me and mumbled some foreign language. … ‘Oh no, I must be in Pompeii !’”)

Action words from the MY Access! Word Bank are used very effectively. (“I plopped on to the bed and had a good night’s sleep.”)

The outcome/resolution is very effectively described. (“As I was walking in the fields, I noticed my watch. There was a small button I have never seen before. I decided to press it. All of a sudden, my vision began to blur and everything around me was filled with bright, vivid colors. ‘Ugh... W..what happened?’ I woke up. I slowly opened my eyes. A bookcase in one corner and a lamp in the other. A staircase was leading up . ‘I..I must be back in Irata’s house!’ ‘My dear boy, are you all right?’ I knew that voice, it was Irata! ‘Oh Irata! I’ve missed you! I was in Pompeii and..and I ate Roman food and..’ ‘ Calm down my friend, don’t pass out again! You never left...’ ‘But..but it was so real.’ ‘I don’t know, you must’ve had a dream.’ ‘I know, what time is it?’ ‘It is only 10:30.’ ‘Oh...so it was a dream after all. I visited Pompeii , saw the tragic volcano erupt and ate Roman food.’ ‘Some dream you must have had.’ I thought to myself, ‘I guess it was...’”)

Organization

Very effective organization is evident in this essay. The writer captures readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The ending pulls the entire story together.

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun was out, birds were chirping, and the lawn was vivid with green. It was 8:00 a.m. and my cell phone rang. I flinched from the ring and answered it.”)

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun was out, birds were chirping, and the lawn was vivid with green. It was 8:00 a.m. and my cell phone rang. I flinched from the ring and answered it. … ‘Hello?’ There was a moment of silence. ‘Oh yes, is this Edward?’ I noticed that familiar voice. It was Professor Irata, my old science teacher from college. ‘Oh Irata, how may I help you?’ ‘Hello Edward, I was wondering if you could come to my house. I have to show you something.’ ‘Sure thing Irata.’ I got into my car and drove off.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“The next morning, I woke up with a fright. The entire room was shaking! I rushed down the stairs and left the door. I noticed a huge cloud of smoke in the sky. The volcano had erupted! Hundreds of citizens were screaming at the top of their lungs and running mindlessly. All of a sudden, a huge tidal wave of ash and rock was crushing everything in sight. I decided to follow the other people and ran. After minutes of running, I escaped Pompeii . The whole village was destroyed. Buildings collapsed, plants were crushed, and humans were trapped. It was inescapable. I was fortunate to get out of the debris. If only Professor Irata could see this historical event in Ancient Rome! … As I was walking in the fields, I noticed my watch. There was a small button I have never seen before. I decided to press it. All of a sudden, my vision began to blur and everything around me was filled with bright, vivid colors.”)

The story’s ending is very creative. (“As I was walking in the fields, I noticed my watch. There was a small button I have never seen before. I decided to press it. All of a sudden, my vision began to blur and everything around me was filled with bright, vivid colors. ‘Ugh... W..what happened?’ I woke up. I slowly opened my eyes. A bookcase in one corner and a lamp in the other. A staircase was leading up . ‘I..I must be back in Irata’s house!’ ‘My dear boy, are you all right?’ I knew that voice, it was Irata! ‘Oh Irata! I’ve missed you! I was in Pompeii and..and I ate Roman food and..’ ‘ Calm down my friend, don’t pass out again! You never left...’ ‘But..but it was so real.’ ‘I don't know, you must’ve had a dream.’ ‘I know, what time is it?’ ‘It is only 10:30.’ ‘Oh...so it was a dream after all. I visited Pompeii , saw the tragic volcano erupt and ate Roman food.’ ‘Some dream you must have had.’ I thought to myself, ‘I guess it was...’”)

The beginning and ending are connected very effectively due to the presence of the main character at the professor’s house with the time machine. (“As I got to Irata’s house, I saw a dim light coming from the basement window. I walked up to the door and knocked twice, I noticed the basement light went out. ‘Hello? Professor Irata?’ In just a millisecond the door swung open. ‘Ah Edward! Glad you could come!’ ‘What is this you are wanting to show me professor?’ ‘Hold that thought and follow me to the basement.’ We silently walked down the stairs. The professor flipped the light switch. ‘Be hold! A fully working time machine!’ … As I was walking in the fields, I noticed my watch. There was a small button I have never seen before. I decided to press it. All of a sudden, my vision began to blur and everything around me was filled with bright, vivid colors. ‘Ugh... W..what happened?’ I woke up. I slowly opened my eyes. A bookcase in one corner and a lamp in the other. A staircase was leading up . ‘I..I must be back in Irata’s house!’ ‘My dear boy, are you all right?’ I knew that voice, it was Irata! ‘Oh Irata! I’ve missed you! I was in Pompeii and..and I ate Roman food and..’ ‘ Calm down my friend, don’t pass out again! You never left...’ ‘But..but it was so real.’ ‘I don't know, you must’ve had a dream.’ ‘I know, what time is it?’ ‘It is only 10:30.’ ‘Oh...so it was a dream after all. I visited Pompeii , saw the tragic volcano erupt and ate Roman food.’ ‘Some dream you must have had.’ I thought to myself, ‘I guess it was...’”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used throughout.

The second/third paragraphs are aligned well with the first paragraph. ( “‘Hello?’ There was a moment of silence. ‘Oh yes, is this Edward?’ I noticed that familiar voice. It was Professor Irata, my old science teacher from college. ‘Oh Irata, how may I help you?’ ‘Hello Edward, I was wondering if you could come to my house. I have to show you something.’ ‘Sure thing Irata.’ I got into my car and drove off. …As I got to Irata’s house, I saw a dim light coming from the basement window. I walked up to the door and knocked twice, I noticed the basement light went out. ‘Hello? Professor Irata?’ In just a millisecond the door swung open.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the following body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“The room was a plain stone room without any windows. The furniture was all made of stone, like everything else. The only thing was different, was the bed. The bed was made of silk and filled with cotton. With a large silk blanket covering it and cotton filled pillows. Just like home. I plopped on to the bed and had a good night’s sleep. …The next morning, I woke up with a fright. The entire room was shaking! I rushed down the stairs and left the door. I noticed a huge cloud of smoke in the sky. The volcano had erupted! Hundreds of citizens were screaming at the top of their lungs and running mindlessly. All of a sudden, a huge tidal wave of ash and rock was crushing everything in sight. I decided to follow the other people and ran. After minutes of running, I escaped Pompeii . The whole village was destroyed. Buildings collapsed, plants were crushed, and humans were trapped. It was inescapable. I was fortunate to get out of the debris. If only Professor Irata could see this historical event in Ancient Rome!”)

The complex sentence, “ As I got to Irata’s house, I saw a dim light coming from the basement window,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay displays very effective control of conventions and mechanics, with f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ I noticed stone covered streets and stores opening right on to the street.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark and contains the correct use of punctuation throughout. (“ Buildings collapsed, plants were crushed, and humans were trapped.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter and contains the correct use of capitalization throughout. (“ As I got to Irata’s house, I saw a dim light coming from the basement window.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I finally arrived at the beautiful city of Pompeii . I have been waiting for this trip forever. Today I had to find a job which luckily I did found one, as a Baker. Secondly, I had to carry all of my stuff in to my Aunt Lucy's house. Because she wants me to be as comfortable as possible for my 2 month stay. The house (I have to admit) is a very small house but comfortable and mainly plain. Now that I was settled I thought I could help around the house a little bit until I got exhausted enough to where it was a good enough time for me to go to sleep. I just couldn’t wait to tour around the city tomorrow.

I was up and going and getting ready to tour Pompeii . The focus while I stayed here was that I was going to explore as much as I can on this trip. I was out of the house right after breakfast. The city was beautiful, it had all of these breathtaking temples that were triangular and were trimmed with gold and had giant lions in the front, that is one place where I would love to visit sometime. The houses there looked the same with a few defferences but where I live the houses there also look the same. I could tell that there were a lot of soldiers here because every time I turned a corner I saw at least two. I decided that I would go and look to see what plays were going to be showing soon, and so I went to the most stunning amphiteatre I have ever seen. After my long day of touring the city I decided it was time to go back home and get some rest.

The next day I decided to go and tour around the rivers on the bridges. As I was walking along the bridges I saw this really tall mountain or well I couldn’t really tell what it was. So, I asked a person that was walking past me and he said “oh that is Mount Vesuvius , oh but no worries it hasn’t erupted for almost 10 years.” After I was lost in thought so I didn’t event recognize it when he left and so I started to think of all the stuff that might would of happened if it did erupt but I pushed those thoughts aside, no need to scare myself so after that I decided that I would head home early to maybe do some pottery or some painting.

I woke up to the most strangest noise it was like the ground was shaking and everything was crashing. I didn’t know what it was so I was starting to get scared. Just then my Aunt Lucy came in and said “we have got to hurry,” she sort of paused after and started staring into space when she finally said “ Mount Vesuvius has erupted.” It felt like I was having a dream, for some reason how could that Volcano happen to erupt when I was here. I couldn’t move for a while until my aunt finally took me by the arm and led me to the downstairs until I could actually speak again but when I did I realized it was exactly what I pictured on that bridge when I looked out the window and saw the volcano has actually erupted.

I was suddenly so scared I didn’t know what to do. I saw all of the people running trying to escape and all of the cities Men helping everyone so just by some chance they could escape the torturing flames. From the time it had erupted and from right it was starting to get harder to breath and there were ashes and fire flying everywhere around us. The lava was starting to move faster down from where it started and the hill that split us from the volcano. There was no way anyone could escape I was already feeling that I had lost a lot of my energy and my eyes kept falling but my aunt kept me moving away from the city of Pompeii. After I had no energy left in me and my aunt was already on the ground I started slipping away into a deep slumber and I knew I wasn’t going to make, Pompeii was already under lava and ash so I finally took the last glance and energy that I had to look at the beautiful city of Pompeii.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Relevant description and details are provided.

The events in the story are often consistent with the prompt. (“I was up and going and getting ready to tour Pompeii . The focus while I stayed here was that I was going to explore as much as I can on this trip.I was out of the house right after breakfast. The city was beautiful, it had all of these breathtaking temples that were triangular and were trimmed with gold and had giant lions in the front, that is one place where I would love to visit sometime.The houses there looked the same with a few defferences but where I live the houses there also look the same. I could tell that there were a lot of soldiers here because every time I turned a corner I saw at least two. I decided that I would go and look to see what plays were going to be showing soon and so I went to the most stunning amphiteatre I have ever seen. After my long day of touring the city I decided it was time to go back home and get some rest.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“The next day I decided to go and tour around the rivers on the bridges. As I was walking along the bridges I saw this really tall mountain or well I couldn’t really tell what it was. So, I asked a person that was walking past me and he said ‘oh that is Mount Vesuvius , oh but no worries it hasn’t erupted for almost 10 years.’ After I was lost in thought so I didn’t event recognize it when he left and so I started to think of all the stuff that might would of happened if it did erupt but I pushed those thoughts aside, no need to scare myself so after that I decided that I would head home early to maybe do some pottery or some painting.”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed effectively. (“I was up and going and getting ready to tour Pompeii . The focus while I stayed here was that I was going to explore as much as I can on this trip. I was out of the house right after breakfast. The city was beautiful, it had all of these breathtaking temples that were triangular and were trimmed with gold and had giant lions in the front, that is one place where I would love to visit sometime. The houses there looked the same with a few defferences but where I live the houses there also look the same. I could tell that there were a lot of soldiers here because every time I turned a corner I saw at least two. I decided that I would go and look to see what plays were going to be showing soon and so I went to the most stunning amphiteatre I have ever seen. After my long day of touring the city I decided it was time to go back home and get some rest.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes the tension/conflict/problem that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“I was up and going and getting ready to tour Pompeii . The focus while I stayed here was that I was going to explore as much as I can on this trip. I was out of the house right after breakfast. The city was beautiful, it had all of these breathtaking temples that were triangular and were trimmed with gold and had giant lions in the front, that is one place where I would love to visit sometime. The houses there looked the same with a few defferences but where I live the houses there also look the same. I could tell that there were a lot of soldiers here because every time I turned a corner I saw at least two. I decided that I would go and look to see what plays were going to be showing soon and so I went to the most stunning amphiteatre I have ever seen. After my long day of touring the city I decided it was time to go back home and get some rest.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem/conflict. In this case, it is even used to foreshadow the events later to come in the story. (“The next day I decided to go and tour around the rivers on the bridges. As I was walking along the bridges I saw this really tall mountain or well I couldn’t really tell what it was. So, I asked a person that was walking past me and he said ‘oh that is Mount Vesuvius , oh but no worries it hasn’t erupted for almost 10 years.’ After I was lost in thought so I didn’t event recognize it when he left and so I started to think of all the stuff that might would of happened if it did erupt but I pushed those thoughts aside, no need to scare myself so after that I decided that I would head home early to maybe do some pottery or some painting.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“I woke up to the most strangest noise it was like the ground was shaking and everything was crashing. I didn’t know what it was so I was starting to get scared. Just then my Aunt Lucy came in and said ‘we have got to hurry,’ she sort of paused after and started staring into space when she finally said ‘ Mount Vesuvius has erupted.’ It felt like I was having a dream, for some reason how could that Volcano happen to erupt when I was here. I couldn't move for a while until my aunt finally took me by the arm and led me to the downstairs until I could actually speak again but when I did I realized it was exactly what I pictured on that bridge when I looked out the window and saw the volcano has actually erupted.”)

The outcome is effectively described. (“I was suddenly so scared I didn’t know what to do. I saw all of the people running trying to escape and all of the cities Men helping everyone so just by some chance they could escape the torturing flames. From the time it had erupted and from right it was starting to get harder to breath and there were ashes and fire flying everywhere around us. The lava was starting to move faster down from where it started and the hill that split us from the volcano. There was no way anyone could escape I was already feeling that I had lost a lot of my energy and my eyes kept falling but my aunt kept me moving away from the city of Pompeii. After I had no energy left in me and my aunt was already on the ground I started slipping away into a deep slumber and I knew I wasn’t going to make, Pompeii was already under lava and ash so I finally took the last glance and energy that I had to look at the beautiful city of Pompeii.”)

Organization

This essay contains good organization. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning includes effective background information about the event. (“ I finally arrived at the beautiful city of Pompeii . I have been waiting for this trip forever. Today I had to find a job which luckily I did found one, as a Baker. Secondly, I had to carry all of my stuff in to my Aunt Lucy’s house. Because she wants me to be as comfortable as possible for my 2 month stay. The house (I have to admit) is a very small house but comfortable and mainly plain. Now that I was settled I thought I could help around the house a little bit until I got exhausted enough to where it was a good enough time for me to go to sleep. I just couldn't wait to tour around the city tomorrow.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ Secondly, I had to carry all of my stuff in to my Aunt Lucy’s house. …The next day I decided to go and tour around the rivers on the bridges. … Just then my Aunt Lucy came in and said ‘we have got to hurry,’ she sort of paused after and started staring into space when she finally said ‘ Mount Vesuvius has erupted.’”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ I was suddenly so scared I didn't know what to do. I saw all of the people running trying to escape and all of the cities Men helping everyone so just by some chance they could escape the torturing flames. From the time it had erupted and from right it was starting to get harder to breath and there were ashes and fire flying everywhere around us. The lava was starting to move faster down from where it started and the hill that split us from the volcano. There was no way anyone could escape I was already feeling that I had lost a lot of my energy and my eyes kept falling but my aunt kept me moving away from the city of Pompeii. After I had no energy left in me and my aunt was already on the ground I started slipping away into a deep slumber and I knew I wasn’t going to make, Pompeii was already under lava and ash so I finally took the last glance and energy that I had to look at the beautiful city of Pompeii.”)

Language Use & Style

Good language use and style are evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The house (I have to admit) is a very small house but comfortable and mainly plain. Now that I was settled I thought I could help around the house a little bit until I got exhausted enough to where it was a good enough time for me to go to sleep. I just couldn’t wait to tour around the city tomorrow. …I was up and going and getting ready to tour Pompeii . The focus while I stayed here was that I was going to explore as much as I can on this trip. I was out of the house right after breakfast. The city was beautiful, it had all of these breathtaking temples that were triangular and were trimmed with gold and had giant lions in the front, that is one place where I would love to visit sometime.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the last two paragraphs of the essay are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ I woke up to the most strangest noise it was like the ground was shaking and everything was crashing. I didn’t know what it was so I was starting to get scared. Just then my Aunt Lucy came in and said ‘we have got to hurry,’ she sort of paused after and started staring into space when she finally said ‘ Mount Vesuvius has erupted.’ It felt like I was having a dream, for some reason how could that Volcano happen to erupt when I was here. I couldn’t move for a while until my aunt finally took me by the arm and led me to the downstairs until I could actually speak again but when I did I realized it was exactly what I pictured on that bridge when I looked out the window and saw the volcano has actually erupted. …I was suddenly so scared I didn’t know what to do. I saw all of the people running trying to escape and all of the cities Men helping everyone so just by some chance they could escape the torturing flames. From the time it had erupted and from right it was starting to get harder to breath and there were ashes and fire flying everywhere around us. The lava was starting to move faster down from where it started and the hill that split us from the volcano. There was no way anyone could escape I was already feeling that I had lost a lot of my energy and my eyes kept falling but my aunt kept me moving away from the city of Pompeii. After I had no energy left in me and my aunt was already on the ground I started slipping away into a deep slumber and I knew I wasn’t going to make, Pompeii was already under lava and ash so I finally took the last glance and energy that I had to look at the beautiful city of Pompeii.”)

The compound sentence, “ I decided that I would go and look to see what plays were going to be showing soon, and so I went to the most stunning amphiteatre I have ever seen,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ I finally arrived at the beautiful city of Pompeii .”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ I just couldn’t wait to tour around the city tomorrow.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ The next day I decided to go and tour around the rivers on the bridges.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

On May 15, 79 A.D I was taking a trip to Pompeii to study the customs, food, jobs, and other aspects of life in Pompeii . When I got to Pompeii , Greece the first thing I saw was their customs. The Pompeii people had many colorful statues and pots with important people or animals on them. Most were designs of gods that the Pompeii people worshiped, others were paintings or designs of of animals as they were causing or doing death. The people were painting walls of other people in their homes or stores that were more upgrade, not so poor.

Also, the food was unbelieveable! One Greek couple persuaded me to come in their home, so I did and asked them question’s about their life and other different foods we don’t have.The wife brought me and her and her husband food from their kitchen. The Pompeii people had peaches, beans, pork chops, chicken, and more. There homes were made or built of clay, rock, and types of dirt.

Most importantly, was the nature. The nature I'm talking about was the valcano on the island, called Mount Vesuvius . Pompeii knew very little about volcanos’. I would ask them about the volcano but all they could tell me was wee it was. I went to Mount Vesuvius to study and find out about the volcano, like how long it it has been here. I didn't know when it was here, I wanted to know when it last erupted. It had been about a century ago. The magama was pretty far down so I couldn't see that much of it. After I was done I went back to the coupe’s house to take a bath.

Finally, the jobs they have in Pompeii . They mostly have the same jobs as us back in the United States , but a little different. Then the most biggest job they have was servants because of the lords, and riches. One of the jobs they have that we do is pottery. The Pompeii people spend time making design's on pottery mostly to impress the gods , and the lords of riches.

Last, is after I did my studies and got some things from Pompeii for artifacts, I had to go back home to the United States . I said bye to the Pompeii people and the couple that let me stay at their home. A couple of days when I got back home from Pompeii I heard that the volcano Mount Vesuvius erupted. I felt terrible so I gave the artifacts that I got from Pompeii to the museum that we have that Pompeii didn't have, so that they could show people. I was happy when I found out that two- thousand people survived the eruption even though they didn’t know much about it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. It conveys a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the story of a day in ancient Pompeii .

The story states the main event of the story adequately. (“ On May 15, 79 A.D I was taking a trip to Pompeii to study the customs, food, jobs, and other aspects of life in Pompeii .”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“On May 15, 79 A.D I was taking a trip to Pompeii to study the customs, food, jobs, and other aspects of life in Pompeii . When I got to Pompeii , Greece the first thing I saw was their customs. The Pompeii people had many colorful statues and pots with important people or animals on them. Most were designs of gods that the Pompeii people worshiped, others were paintings or designs of of animals as they were causing or doing death. The people were painting walls of other people in their homes or stores that were more upgrade, not so poor. …Also, the food was unbelieveable! One Greek couple persuaded me to come in their home, so I did and asked them question’s about their life and other different foods we don’t have.The wife brought me and her and her husband food from their kitchen. The Pompeii people had peaches, beans, pork chops, chicken, and more. There homes were made or built of clay, rock, and types of dirt.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Finally, the jobs they have in Pompeii . They mostly have the same jobs as us back in the United States , but a little different. Then the most biggest job they have was servants because of the lords, and riches. One of the jobs they have that we do is pottery. The Pompeii people spend time making design’s on pottery mostly to impress the gods , and the lords of riches.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. A reasonably developed plot and setting are provided, along with believable characters. The writer establishes some tension/conflict that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“Most importantly, was the nature. The nature I’m talking about was the valcano on the island, called Mount Vesuvius . Pompeii knew very little about volcanos’. I would ask them about the volcano but all they could tell me was wee it was. I went to Mount Vesuvius to study and find out about the volcano, like how long it it has been here. I didn't know when it was here, I wanted to know when it last erupted. It had been about a century ago. The magama was pretty far down so I couldn’t see that much of it. After I was done I went back to the coupe's house to take a bath.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“Also, the food was unbelieveable! One Greek couple persuaded me to come in their home, so I did and asked them question’s about their life and other different foods we don't have.The wife brought me and her and her husband food from their kitchen. The Pompeii people had peaches, beans, pork chops, chicken, and more. There homes were made or built of clay, rock, and types of dirt.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s problem. (“ Most importantly, was the nature. The nature I’m talking about was the valcano on the island, called Mount Vesuvius . Pompeii knew very little about volcanos’. I would ask them about the volcano but all they could tell me was wee it was. I went to Mount Vesuvius to study and find out about the volcano, like how long it it has been here. I didn't know when it was here, I wanted to know when it last erupted. It had been about a century ago.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“Last, is after I did my studies and got some things from Pompeii for artifacts, I had to go back home to the United States . I said bye to the Pompeii people and the couple that let me stay at their home. A couple of days when I got back home from Pompeii I heard that the volcano Mount Vesuvius erupted. I felt terrible so I gave the artifacts that I got from Pompeii to the museum that we have that Pompeii didn't have, so that they could show people. I was happy when I found out that two- thousand people survived the eruption even though they didn’t know much about it.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in this essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The mood in the beginning is set with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ On May 15, 79 A.D I was taking a trip to Pompeii to study the customs, food, jobs, and other aspects of life in Pompeii . When I got to Pompeii , Greece the first thing I saw was their customs. The Pompeii people had many colorful statues and pots with important people or animals on them. Most were designs of gods that the Pompeii people worshiped, others were paintings or designs of of animals as they were causing or doing death. The people were painting walls of other people in their homes or stores that were more upgrade, not so poor. …Also, the food was unbelieveable! One Greek couple persuaded me to come in their home, so I did and asked them question’s about their life and other different foods we don’t have.The wife brought me and her and her husband food from their kitchen. The Pompeii people had peaches, beans, pork chops, chicken, and more. There homes were made or built of clay, rock, and types of dirt.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Also, the food was unbelieveable! … Most importantly, was the nature. …Finally, the jobs they have in Pompeii . … Last, is after I did my studies and got some things from Pompeii for artifacts, I had to go back home to the United States .”)

The ending includes details about the resolution and the main character’s feelings. (“ Last, is after I did my studies and got some things from Pompeii for artifacts, I had to go back home to the United States . I said bye to the Pompeii people and the couple that let me stay at their home. A couple of days when I got back home from Pompeii I heard that the volcano Mount Vesuvius erupted. I felt terrible so I gave the artifacts that I got from Pompeii to the museum that we have that Pompeii didn’t have, so that they could show people. I was happy when I found out that two- thousand people survived the eruption even though they didn’t know much about it.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. In addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Also, the food was unbelieveable! One Greek couple persuaded me to come in their home, so I did and asked them question's about their life and other different foods we don’t have.The wife brought me and her and her husband food from their kitchen. The Pompeii people had peaches, beans, pork chops, chicken, and more. There homes were made or built of clay, rock, and types of dirt.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “ customs” and “jobs” from the research and the prompt task, are used adequately.

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the word “upgrade” should not be used in the following sentence: “ The people were painting walls of other people in their homes or stores that were more upgrade, not so poor.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ There homes were made or built of clay, rock, and types of dirt.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ The Pompeii people spend time making design’s on pottery mostly to impress the gods , and the lords of riches.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ After I was done I went back to the coupe’s house to take a bath.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

On a Friday night I was on my way to the ancient city of Pompeii . I am going to the ancient city of Pompeii because i am going to see the volcano that is going to erupt any day well I am on my journey. When I got to the ancient city of Pompeii it was so ancient. The people were walking (that is there transportation). I saw people trading water for food and food for water. They didn't accept the money I had. But the money that the had was so different then ours. After I explored the city of Pompeii I went to check out the the volcano Mt. Vesuvius that could erupt any day well i am here.

They made me get into a car with two other. There names are Brandon and Robert. They are going to go see the volcano. When we got there the volcano was so big. We explored around the mountain and we wanted to see what we can find but we didn’t find nothing. So it was getting dark so we were all hungry we stopped at a stand. The food there was good. So it was 8:00PM (there time). It’s dark over there. So we went to the hotel and it wasn’t like our hotels it is way different. Then we went to sleep.

When we woke up someone sent us breakfast. They sent us eggs and it looked like bacon. Then they we had to walk to the volcano. It was a far walk but we needed the exercise. When we got there the volcano
started to smoke. Then we started to see lava going down the edge of the volcano. So we ran until it was safe. Then rock started to shoot out of the volcano. When we go to safety we warned the people to get out of the city. When we go to the city there was nobody here. Maybe they were smart and left. Then we saw a family hiding from the lava. I went to go help them get out of the city and we go out safely. Then I went to our private plane. We leave while you see the volcano steel smoking and there was no more lava going down the edge of the volcano. That is a trip I will never forget.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are evident in this essay. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story of a day in ancient Pompeii .

The story states the main event. (“ After I explored the city of Pompeii I went to check out the the volcano Mt. Vesuvius that could erupt any day well i am here.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“They made me get into a car with two other. There names are Brandon and Robert. They are going to go see the volcano. When we got there the volcano was so big. We explored around the mountain and we wanted to see what we can find but we didn’t find nothing. So it was getting dark so we were all hungry we stopped at a stand. The food there was good. So it was 8:00PM (there time). It’s dark over there. So we went to the hotel and it wasn't like our hotels it is way different. Then we went to sleep.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“ They made me get into a car with two other. There names are Brandon and Robert. They are going to go see the volcano. When we got there the volcano was so big. We explored around the mountain and we wanted to see what we can find but we didn’t find nothing.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are shown in this essay. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension/conflict or a problem may be stated but not developed.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“They made me get into a car with two other. There names are Brandon and Robert. They are going to go see the volcano. When we got there the volcano was so big. We explored around the mountain and we wanted to see what we can find but we didn’t find nothing. So it was getting dark so we were all hungry we stopped at a stand. The food there was good. So it was 8:00PM (there time). It’s dark over there. So we went to the hotel and it wasn’t like our hotels it is way different. Then we went to sleep. …When we woke up someone sent us breakfast. They sent us eggs and it looked like bacon. Then they we had to walk to the volcano. It was a far walk but we needed the exercise.”)

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“On a Friday night I was on my way to the ancient city of Pompeii . I am going to the ancient city of Pompeii because i am going to see the volcano that is going to erupt any day well I am on my journey. When I got to the ancient city of Pompeii it was so ancient. The people were walking (that is there transportation). I saw people trading water for food and food for water. They didn't accept the money I had. But the money that the had was so different then ours. After I explored the city of Pompeii I went to check out the the volcano Mt. Vesuvius that could erupt any day well i am here.”)

There are limited sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“ They made me get into a car with two other. There names are Brandon and Robert. They are going to go see the volcano. When we got there the volcano was so big. We explored around the mountain and we wanted to see what we can find but we didn't find nothing.”)

The plot is limited. (“They made me get into a car with two other. There names are Brandon and Robert. They are going to go see the volcano. When we got there the volcano was so big. We explored around the mountain and we wanted to see what we can find but we didn’t find nothing. So it was getting dark so we were all hungry we stopped at a stand. The food there was good. So it was 8:00PM (there time). It’s dark over there. So we went to the hotel and it wasn’t like our hotels it is way different. Then we went to sleep.”)

Organization

This essay displays evidence of limited organization. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, but the writer does provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ On a Friday night I was on my way to the ancient city of Pompeii . I am going to the ancient city of Pompeii because i am going to see the volcano that is going to erupt any day well I am on my journey. When I got to the ancient city of Pompeii it was so ancient. The people were walking (that is there transportation). I saw people trading water for food and food for water. They didn’t accept the money I had. But the money that the had was so different then ours. After I explored the city of Pompeii I went to check out the the volcano Mt. Vesuvius that could erupt any day well i am here.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ After I explored the city of Pompeii I went to check out the the volcano Mt. Vesuvius that could erupt any day well i am here. …Then we saw a family hiding from the lava. I went to go help them get out of the city and we go out safely. Then I went to our private plane.”)

The ending demonstrates a limited attempt to leave readers with something to think about. (“ When we woke up someone sent us breakfast. They sent us eggs and it looked like bacon. Then they we had to walk to the volcano. It was a far walk but we needed the exercise. When we got there the volcano started to smoke. Then we started to see lava going down the edge of the volcano. So we ran until it was safe. Then rock started to shoot out of the volcano. When we go to safety we warned the people to get out of the city. When we go to the city there was nobody here. Maybe they were smart and left. Then we saw a family hiding from the lava. I went to go help them get out of the city and we go out safely. Then I went to our private plane. We leave while you see the volcano steel smoking and there was no more lava going down the edge of the volcano. That is a trip I will never forget.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are expressed in this essay. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, shows some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ So it was getting dark so we were all hungry we stopped at a stand.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ They made me get into a car with two other. There names are Brandon and Robert. They are going to go see the volcano. When we got there the volcano was so big.”)

There is repetition, as the word “ancient” is used repeatedly in the following example: “ On a Friday night I was on my way to the ancient city of Pompeii . I am going to the ancient city of Pompeii because i am going to see the volcano that is going to erupt any day well I am on my journey. When I got to the ancient city of Pompeii it was so ancient.”

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ Then we saw a family hiding from the lava. I went to go help them get out of the city and we go out safely. Then I went to our private plane.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics is apparent in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence does not contain a double negative. (“ We explored around the mountain and we wanted to see what we can find but we didn’t find nothing.”)

Each sentence should contain correct capitalization. (“ On a Friday night I was on my way to the ancient city of Pompeii . I am going to the ancient city of Pompeii because i am going to see the volcano that is going to erupt any day well I am on my journey. …After I explored the city of Pompeii I went to check out the the volcano Mt. Vesuvius that could erupt any day well i am here.”)

Each sentence should also contain correct punctuation. For example, the following excerpt from the story should include commas: “ We explored around the mountain and we wanted to see what we can find but we didn’t find nothing.”

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store.

i went to the house and went to sleep because in the moring I had to open the merchants store for trading goods or merchants to send to Europe . I send two big boxes of merchants to spin and got gold for it. I went to go eat lunch I ate fish with water

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay, which demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story of a day in ancient Pompeii .

The story only minimally states the main event. (“The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is only minimally stated. (“The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store. …i went to the house and went to sleep because in the moring I had to open the merchants store for trading goods or merchants to send to Europe . I send two big boxes of merchants to spin and got gold for it. I went to go eat lunch I ate fish with water”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen in this essay. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. Furthermore, the narrative lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Lastly, little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store. …i went to the house and went to sleep because in the moring I had to open the merchants store for trading goods or merchants to send to Europe . I send two big boxes of merchants to spin and got gold for it. I went to go eat lunch I ate fish with water”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store. …i went to the house and went to sleep because in the moring I had to open the merchants store for trading goods or merchants to send to Europe . I send two big boxes of merchants to spin and got gold for it. I went to go eat lunch I ate fish with water”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store. …i went to the house and went to sleep because in the moring I had to open the merchants store for trading goods or merchants to send to Europe . I send two big boxes of merchants to spin and got gold for it. I went to go eat lunch I ate fish with water”)

Organization

Minimal organization is evident in this essay. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an ending.

The story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal. After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ After eating that meal I went to hide those merchants in the back room of the store.”)

Events are often not clearly in order. (“ The day I got to Pompeii it was a nice hot day. Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before. It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ i went to the house and went to sleep because in the moring I had to open the merchants store for trading goods or merchants to send to Europe . I send two big boxes of merchants to spin and got gold for it. I went to go eat lunch I ate fish with water”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ It was time to eat. I was my hands and sat down. There was rice chickens and water. We prayed before we ate. I was ready to eat my meal.”)

The story uses the same word (“everybody”) to begin two sentences in the first paragraph. (“ Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs. Everbody talking to each other and looked around it was so beauiful like it never was before.”)

Exact words are missing, as the word “was” is missing after the first word “everybody” in the following example: “ Everybody doing their things that they had to everyday like their chores and their jobs.” Missing words are also evident in this example: “I was my hands and sat down.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ I was my hands and sat down.”)

The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“I went to go eat lunch I ate fish with water”)

The writer does not begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ i went to the house and went to sleep because in the moring I had to open the merchants store for trading goods or merchants to send to Europe .”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i
would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writing demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story of a day in ancient Pompeii .

The story does not state the main event. (“If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are not stated. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

Also in the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are seen in this essay. The writing l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow, and not much happens.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is apparent in this essay, which may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

The story demonstrates no clear ending. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

Details, words, or phrases are not used in the beginning or ending to engage readers’ interests. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates inadequate use of language and style. The writing contains unclear language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe .”)

There is repetition, as the word “scared” is used more than once. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ If i would ever be traveled to a place that a volcano will eurpoe i would be scared.i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. In fact, e rrors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The story does not avoid the use of run-on sentences. (“ i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe .”)

The story does not consist of sentences with correctly spelled words. (“ to live in pompeii i
would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

The story does not begin each sentence with a capital letter or demonstrate correct capitalization throughout. (“i would be scared because i could imagine any day even when im sleeping the volcano could europe.to live in pompeii i would start of buying a little house that is far frum the volcano.”)

A Day Without Math

Can you imagine going through a normal day in a world without numbers, math operations, measurements, or other math-related concepts?

Write about spending a day without math. As you write your story, remember to provide details so the reader can picture what happens during your day.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One day Jenny awoke to the sound of her alarm-clock. It was just like any other day. She slowly got out of bed and was moving very slow until it was time to go to school. The thought of going to school only made Jenny want to move even slower. Jenny hated school. Every morning she would walk to the bus stop. Then when she got to school she chatted with her friends and went to her classes. Jenny's favorite part of the school day was when it was finally time to go home. That was what happened on a normal day, but today wasn't a normal day!

Instead of what usually happened on a normal day here is what happened. Jenny woke up to the light streaming through her window. "That's funny, it's usually dark when I wake up for school," Jenny thought. Jenny looked around the room and noticed that her alarm-clock was gone which was surprising. She sprung up and ran to the kitchen, looked on the timer-clock on the stove. It too was gone. All the clocks had vanished. She took a closer look around only to realize that all things with numbers were gore not just the clocks.

It seemed that all the things that related to math were gone. All the numbers, measurements, traffic signs to say how fast to go and every thing else that had anything to do with math was gone. Even the speedometer in a car to tell you how fast you were going was gone. Everything that had to do with math was gone. Jenny walked to school only to find out the doors were locked and there was no one there. She decided to walk into town only to see that everyone was in a panic. Nobody knew what to do every day they relied on math.

On the road people were going ether extremely slow or very fast. The roads were chaotic. Jenny decided to go home and try to think of a way to make this newfangled way easier. When she got home she went to her favorite thinking place to think of a solution. The only thing she could think of was to try to help everyone else learn to live without math.

Jenny returned to town to try to help by sharing her ideas. She stood up on a large platform and began to share them with the rest of the town. At the end of her speech the town decided only to do a few of the ideas. This decision was not made until the town talked about these ideas. They picked the ideas that made more sense. They agreed to try a few of these ideas, here are some of them. The town decided to drive slow enough so that they weren't going over the speed limit and not too far under it because that could also be as dangerous as speeding. Another idea was that they could estimate what time it was by how far the sun was in the sky.

Those are just a few of the ideas they went through with. The ideas she thought of were very good and helped the entire town. The town managed to get through the day by following these ideas.

There were no car accidents and businesses were able to get by. Best of all people learned how to tell what time it was by where the sun was in the sky. After a long and confusing day Jenny went home and went to sleep.

Jenny woke up the next day to the sound of her alarm-clock. She opened her eyes and all the forms of math that were usually in her room were back unlike the day before. She walked around town every thing was back. When she was walking around town the mayor spotted her and gave her an award for saving the town and he congratulated her for having such a useful mind. Jenny went home feeling very proud of herself and happy that she saved the town. She was wondering if the town could have gotten by that day without her ideas. She went to sleep with ease that night knowing that the math was back forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer states the main event very effectively. All of the events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. The audience for the story is thoroughly understood. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. (“ Jenny looked around the room and noticed that her alarm-clock was gone which was surprising. She sprung up and ran to the kitchen, looked on the timer-clock on the stove. It too was gone. All the clocks had vanished. She took a closer look around only to realize that all things with numbers were gore not just the clocks.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The essay contains complex characters. It clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem, which heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen next. Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. The setting is very effectively developed with details, including sensory details (how something looks, smells, feels, etc.). The author attempts to provide a creative introduction by making it seem as though math is not very important and then showing how math is intertwined in our lives. Details very effectively describe the problem in the essay and why it is a problem. Details very effectively describe the essay’s solution. (“Jenny decided to go home and try to think of a way to make this newfangled way easier. When she got home she went to her favorite thinking place to think of a solution. The only thing she could think of was to try to help everyone else learn to live without math.”)

Organization

The story has very effective organization. It captures readers’ attention with a clever opening, in this case, making it appear as though everything is normal. The essay flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. There is a conclusion that pulls the entire story together. The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). Transitions are used very effectively to connect events, and events are clearly in order. The ending very effectively states a lesson the writer learned from completing the story. Details, words, or phrases are used very effectively in the beginning and ending to engage readers’ interests. (“Jenny went home feeling very proud of herself and happy that she saved the town. She was wondering if the town could have gotten by that day without her ideas. She went to sleep with ease that night knowing that the math was back forever.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Jenny looked around the room and noticed that her alarm-clock was gone which was surprising. She sprung up and ran to the kitchen, looked on the timer-clock on the stove. It too was gone. All the clocks had vanished.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has a very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ It seemed that all the things that related to math were gone. All the numbers, measurements, traffic signs to say how fast to go and every thing else that had anything to do with math was gone. Even the speedometer in a car to tell you how fast you were going was gone.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A day without math. This is something every kid has dreamed of at least once in their lives. Every kid has gone through a day when they didn't want to deal numbers. Whether it was because of a math class, or some lengthy transition with money that required many percentiles, it does not matter. Every one has wished that math was abolished.

As pleasing as this thought may seem, it is an impossible and absurd thought. Literally nothing could function. We couldn't buy things, tell time, keep track of time, or know birthdays or any other crucial dates. Math is essential in every aspect of our lives. I will now go on to describe how I feel that a day with out math would be like.

I woke up, and stretched. By the light out side, it appeared to be at least nine. My eyes widened. I was late for school! I jumped out of bed. I smacked against the wall. I had over guessed my jump, in fact, I hadn't guessed at all. I couldn't. There was no math. What's math? I thought. Strange, how this word seemed so familiar, past the strangeness of déjá vu, yet I couldn't grasp it at all. It eluded me. What am I trying to find? I thought again. I was trying to remember what something was. What was it. Oh well. If it existed, I would be able to remember it. I looked at my clock, but there was an empty space on my desk. What had been there. I had that strange feeling as if something nonexistent was trying to exist. Ridiculous, I thought. I looked around my room, but there was nothing there. I was floating in a dark void. I tried to move my body. I couldn't. It felt as if nothing were there. I tried to scream, but I realized again that I didn't seem to have a mouth. There was nothing. Nothing existed. Not even me. My thoughts stopped. In fact, they hadn't even been there.

I leaned up in bed. I had had the strangest dream. But it felt as if I had dreamed nothing. But that was just it, I knew I had dreamed something, but nothing was there. Literally. Oh well. I looked my clock. It said that today was tomorrow. Today was the sixth, not the seventh. Or was it? I was sure yesterday hadn't happened. But yesterday had that strange feeling of having been there, having passed in time, but having not existed. I hoped that all the weird feelings would stop. After finishing breakfast, I went to school, and my first period math class, which, for some unexplained reason, I enjoyed immensely...

I hope I have made clear the thought that, without math, nothing can be. Math is related with everything. Without it, nothing fills everything. When you come down to it, nothing would be there to be filled. Space wouldn't exist. As hard as the concept of nothing is to grasp, because we picture it as a dark void, but even an endless expanse of darkness has something in it to make it endless. Hard to grasp, isn't it. I now conclude my relatively short essay.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The essay states the main event well. The events in the essay are often consistent with the prompt. The audience is clear. In the beginning, what happened before the main event is stated effectively. The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed effectively. The details of the essay support the topic and purpose effectively. (“ I woke up, and stretched. By the light out side, it appeared to be at least nine. My eyes widened. I was late for school! I jumped out of bed. I smacked against the wall. I had over guessed my jump, in fact, I hadn't guessed at all. I couldn't. There was no math.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting. It creates believable characters. The essay establishes tension, conflict, or a problem, which heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Although some essays may use dialogue effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts, this essay does not. Instead, the author uses details about their thoughts and the environment to develop the main events of the story effectively. The setting is effectively developed with details. There is effective information about what happened before the event. Details effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. The outcome/resolution is effectively described. (“I leaned up in bed. I had had the strangest dream. But it felt as if I had dreamed nothing. But that was just it, I knew I had dreamed something, but nothing was there.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The essay flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides readers with a sense of completeness. The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab readers’ attention by using a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation, a flashback, or foreshadowing. Transitions are effectively used to make the beginning creative/exciting. Events are clearly in order. The ending effectively states a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ I hope I have made clear the thought that, without math, nothing can be. Math is related with everything. Without it, nothing fills everything. When you come down to it, nothing would be there to be filled. Space wouldn't exist. As hard as the concept of nothing is to grasp, because we picture it as a dark void, but even an endless expanse of darkness has something in it to make it endless.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with s ome evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety . The language and tone are consistent; c oherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement. The compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“ I leaned up in bed. I had had the strangest dream. But it felt as if I had dreamed nothing. But that was just it, I knew I had dreamed something, but nothing was there. Literally. Oh well. I looked my clock. It said that today was tomorrow. Today was the sixth, not the seventh. Or was it? I was sure yesterday hadn't happened.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, most sentences end with a punctuation mark, most sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ I woke up, and stretched. By the light out side, it appeared to be at least nine. My eyes widened. I was late for school! I jumped out of bed. I smacked against the wall.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I woke up in the morning with my eyes wide awake. As I got up I looked at the clock. Time was gone! There was no numbers. I went to my parent’s room and their clock had no time either. I got ready for school. When I got there I went to my classroom where everything was bright and colorful. As I got my books out I noticed that the math book was gone. That was very strange and I knew something was wrong. First period had past and I was going on the next one. "Math had been skipped" I thought.

I went with my friends and asked if they noticed something weird. They said,"Yes". My friend Adam knew that the calculations and math problems were gone. "It was a day without math,” he said. At first we were excited to have a day without math, but then there wouldn't be any numbers or change. We went to the local store that had anything you could think of. We bought chips and there was no taxes. We were very glad , but then the government wouldn't be able to build roads or buildings. That's horrible!

My friends and I went to a nearby telephone. When I looked at it, the numbers were gone. It's like they magically disappeared. You couldn't see anything and I knew that if people had an emergency, they wouldn't be able to call anyone.

I wouldn't want to be one of those people! I went back home and relaxed. "It was a weird day,” but hopefully tomorrow there will be a day with math.” I woke up the next day and looked at my clock that had a Dodger sign. Time was back! I looked at my dad's cell phone and I also saw that numbers were on it to. I couldn't believe it, but time was back. I was so happy to have math back because almost everything has numbers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the story. The essay states the main event adequately. The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. In the beginning, the supporting events are adequate, the purpose of the essay (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is adequate, and the audience is clear. The parts of the story relate to the main event, and details in the story focus on the main event. (“I went with my friends and asked if they noticed something weird. They said,"Yes". My friend Adam knew that the calculations and math problems were gone. "It was a day without math,” he said. At first we were excited to have a day without math, but then there wouldn't be any numbers or change.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The writer creates believable characters. The essay establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is briefly used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Adequate detail is used to develop the main events. The setting and characters are adequately developed with details. Details adequately describe the problem and solution in the essay. (“I wouldn't want to be one of those people! I went back home and relaxed. "It was a weird day,” but hopefully tomorrow there will be a day with math.” I woke up the next day and looked at my clock that had a Dodger sign. Time was back!”)

Organization

The essay is adequately organized. It provides an interesting opening that keeps readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by using details such as a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Transitions are used to make the beginning of the essay creative/exciting. The mood is set with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The ending of the essay states a lesson that the writer learned after completing the story. (“ I looked at my dad's cell phone and I also saw that numbers were on it to. I couldn't believe it, but time was back. I was so happy to have math back because almost everything has numbers. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ We bought chips and there was no taxes. We were very glad , but then the government wouldn't be able to build roads or buildings. That's horrible!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. (“ I went with my friends and asked if they noticed something weird. They said,"Yes". My friend Adam knew that the calculations and math problems were gone. "It was a day without math,” he said. At first we were excited to have a day without math, but then there wouldn't be any numbers or change.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A day without math would be really miserable. Because you couldn't add the cost of a meal from a restaurant. If you go to the store and buy stuff, you wouldn't know your total. And when you go to math class you wouldn't have to do anything. If you went to Mc donalds and order a Big Mac, a soda, and a large fries i wouldn't know how much to pay. Because i would have to add the cost of everything. And that would be like really really hard to do. So i wouldn't be able to buy anything. So i minus well just go home.

So if i went to the mall and wanted to buy clothes for school, i wouldn't be able to get them because you have to it all up. That would really suck cause anything you want deals with money unless its free "Ha ha ha." But bearly anything is free here. So if i went to school and i went to math class i wouldn't have to do anything. because everything deals with math duh! So i could just do nothing in there. i can just talk to my friends, go to sleep, or play my PSP! I will just have to wait until i go to my next class.

So if i did a day without math, it could be sometimes not good like buying stuff. Or it could be good because in math class you wouldn't have to do anything. So it really depends on what you do! So you would prbably have a bad day or a good or both. So that means that almost everything deals with math.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. The essay states the main event, although indirectly. In the beginning, the supporting events in the essay are stated limitedly. The purpose of the essay (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is limited. The audience is not always clear. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. The author provides only the basic outline of a story. Instead, they simply relate what would happen on a day without math in a very direct way. (“ A day without math would be really miserable. Because you couldn't add the cost of a meal from a restaurant. If you go to the store and buy stuff, you wouldn't know your total. And when you go to math class you wouldn't have to do anything.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. The tension, conflict, or problem may be stated, but it is not developed. It has some dialogue that may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Limited detail is used to develop main events. The setting is developed in only limited detail. There is limited development about what happened before the event, and there is limited information about what happened during the event. (“So if i went to the mall and wanted to buy clothes for school, i wouldn't be able to get them because you have to it all up. That would really suck cause anything you want deals with money unless its free "Ha ha ha." But bearly anything is free here.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the essay may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak. The essay provides readers with some sense of closure. The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. Events are sometimes not clearly in order. The essay demonstrates a limited ending. The ending attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ So if i did a day without math, it could be sometimes not good like buying stuff. Or it could be good because in math class you wouldn't have to do anything.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. The lengths of the sentences are short. The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal. Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ So if i went to the mall and wanted to buy clothes for school, i wouldn't be able to get them because you have to it all up. That would really suck cause anything you want deals with money unless its free "Ha ha ha."”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“So i wouldn't be able to buy anything. So i minus well just go home.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

A day without math would be kinda weird because there is alot of things that use math. And without math for a day would be kind of hard because then shopping would be free a day and then the gas for the cars would be free and alot of other things. A day at school with out math would be hard because then you wouldnt be able to find your locker or your class room or really anything at all. You couldnt call your parents or you couldnt find yours or anyone elses house. Or you probaly couldnt even find your car.

A day with out math or numbers would also be hard because then u couldnt do or play anything or any of your favorite sports. Or ride the rides at lagoon or even ride a bike or a skate board or even go roller balding. Because it takes math to be able to build or design anything that you really like to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story. The main event and the supporting events in the beginning of the essay are minimally stated. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“ A day without math would be kinda weird because there is alot of things that use math. And without math for a day would be kind of hard because then shopping would be free a day and then the gas for the cars would be free and alot of other things.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. It lacks tension or conflict, and little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events. The setting is not developed in detail. There is inadequate sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). There is little important information about the event. (“You couldnt call your parents or you couldnt find yours or anyone elses house. Or you probaly couldnt even find your car.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the essay may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. It demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion, and the introduction only minimally grabs readers’ attention. Transitions are only minimally used to connect events. The ending only minimally attempts to teach readers a lesson. Details, words, or phrases are only minimally used in the beginning and ending to engage the readers’ interests. There is little or no attempt made at providing a conclusion. (“ Or ride the rides at lagoon or even ride a bike or a skate board or even go roller balding. Because it takes math to be able to build or design anything that you really like to do.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. Transitions are needed, the style is not formal, and changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ A day at school with out math would be hard because then you wouldnt be able to find your locker or your class room or really anything at all. You couldnt call your parents or you couldnt find yours or anyone elses house.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“You couldnt call your parents or you couldnt find yours or anyone elses house. Or you probaly couldnt even find your car.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One morning i woke up and looked at my clock but no numbers were visible. i was shocked but i thought nothing of it. My stomach was growling so I went to the kitchen to make some instant oatmeal. After I mixed it all up i went to cook it the microwave but there wasn't a single number to press! by then I was scared by all the "no numbers" thing. i called mom but she was at work so I coudnt make it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The main event is not stated. In the beginning of the essay, the supporting events are not stated. The audience is unclear. (“After I mixed it all up i went to cook it the microwave but there wasn't a single number to press! by then I was scared by all the "no numbers" thing. i called mom but she was at work so I coudnt make it.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The characters are introduced, but they are not developed. The essay lacks tension or conflict, which makes the story uninteresting to follow. The setting is not developed in detail. The characters are not developed in detail, and there are inadequate sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“One morning i woke up and looked at my clock but no numbers were visible. i was shocked but i thought nothing of it. My stomach was growling so I went to the kitchen to make some instant oatmeal.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The beginning does not creatively grab readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The beginning also does not include background information about the event, and there is no ending to the essay. (“ by then I was scared by all the "no numbers" thing. i called mom but she was at work so I coudnt make it.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. The style is not formal. Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ After I mixed it all up i went to cook it the microwave but there wasn't a single number to press! by then I was scared by all the "no numbers" thing. i called mom but she was at work so I coudnt make it. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has e rrors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“ After I mixed it all up i went to cook it the microwave but there wasn't a single number to press! by then I was scared by all the "no numbers" thing. i called mom but she was at work so I coudnt make it.”)

A Fantastic Day

Write a fantasy story for your class to read. Write about a normal, daily event that turns into something that could not really happen.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ally crawled into bed and shut her eyes when she was cozy. When she did she was first engulfed in darkness. Then suddenly there was bright light. Too bright. Ally covered he eyes with her hand until she could stand the light. “ Am I in heaven? “ Ally thought to herself, as she looked around the room. First everything was a blurred, when everything became clear she notice her light blue carpet in her room, then her closet, dresser, desk, lap top, and everything else in her room. When her eyes landed on the clock she remembered she had school. Ally pushed off the covers that were on her and she closed the curtains, so there would be darkness in the room instead of sunlight.

Ally rushed into her bathroom and took a shower then got out with a towel wrapped around herself. She then went to her room and changed into light blue pants, a pink tank top, with a black tank top over that, then black sandals. She looked into the mirror and brushed her hair into a clipy. When she was finished dressing for school, she slid down the downstairs railing and grabbed her bag and a bottle of O.J., heading out of the door. With the door shutting behind her, Ally looked around and remembered she needed her mom to take her to school, but when she was about to go in a group of friends in a hover car called her name.

“ Ally! Come on! We don't want to get in trouble because we're late to high school!” The group of girls yelled at her. Ally walked over to the hover car and automatically got in. Ally watched in amazement as she saw that all the cars - that drove past - were hover cars, she also notice that there wasn't really stop lights anymore. When she did see the stop lights they were always green, never yellow or red. As Ally watched everything pass by she heard the radio say “ Hello 2015!” When she heard that she kind of freaked out, one year past with her not knowing it! When the hover car stopped in the school parking lot, the group of friends all jumped out and went running towards their first period.

Ally jumped out with everyone else but when she went to run, a boy grabbed a hold of her hand and pulled her close to him. “ What is he doing!?” Ally screamed in her head, before she could said anything he pulled her into a kiss. When the kiss was over it left Ally dazed and confused but that didn't keep her quiet.

“ What are you doing? Who are you? “ Ally asked the guy as she pushed him away from her.

“ Saying hello Ally. Like I always do. And don't you say that you don't know who I am. Everybody knows me, I'm Max! Your boyfriend, “ Max said calmly as he took her hand.

“ Okay well, Max. Take me to my class okay? No wait! Just take me back home, please? “ Ally begged on the last part.

“ Class sure, home no.” Max said softly as he leaned in to kiss her, but Ally moved her head so instead he kissed her on the cheek. “ Okay, let's go.” Max squeezed Ally's hand and they walked to class together. When they did enter the class room the teacher ignored them, trying not to lose his perfect thoughts as they sat down in their seats. After class Max again grabbed her hand and took her to class. After a few classes with him she noticed that they had all - except for three - classes together, but it didn’t matter. He still took her to all her classes they didn't have together. At the end of the day Ally, Max, and Ally’s group of friends went to the school parking lot and hung out. After awhile they all left for home, and to Ally’s suprise Max let her friends take her home.

When Ally got inside the house -after her group of friends dropped her off - she headed upstairs, but the more she moved the more she stayed in the same spot. Ally finally just stopped and the stairs carried her to her room. She walked off the rug and from the stairs and walked inside her room, shutting the door behind her. Ally dropped her bag on the floor and jumped on the bed, head first. When she ended up on her back, she looked at the time and saw that it was close to supper. Ally took off Max’s jacket, the one that she stole during the day, and then went and washed her face and headed downstairs as her mother called her down. When Ally walked to the table she saw that her mother had blood on her mouth and a glass of something dark red. Every now and then it would make a alittle sizzle sound.

“ Ugh mother. Your face.” Ally looked away feeling sick.

“ Oh sorry I got thirsty so I had a glass of wine spiked with blood.” she said as she wiped her mouth with a napkin. “ We're having blood tonight of course.”

Ally just nodded and went to the bathroom to check for something. Ally smiled at her reflection and saw what she wanted, kinda. Fangs. Suddenly she felt the thirsty for blood, but that night she didn't have supper. Ally skipped dinner and took a shower and brushed her teeth and got to bed. She got changed into black shorts with t-shirt. When everything was cleaned up in her room, Ally crawled into bed, pulling the covers over herself. As she did she shut her eyes and drifting into nothingness. At the beginning of her dream it started with a voice.

“ Ally wake up! Time for school.” A women's voice came down from somewhere. Ally shot up to the voice and looked around. Everything was the same, everything seemed normal. Ally rushed out of bed and moved to the window and saw what she wanted. Was it all a dream? Ally thought to herself. Ally got ready for school and headed downstairs to leave. Before she got ready for school Ally opened her door and yelled down the hallway.

“ Mom! Are we vampires?”

“ No. Why ask that? There are no such thing.” Her mom yelled back poking her head around the corner or the door.

The next year - 2015 - Ally did get together with Max, and they did get hover cars in the U.S. The only part that didn't happen was her family being a vampire, and she was grateful for that. Was that a dream of the future? Ally still asks herself to this day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are very effective. The essay demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Ally crawled into bed and shut her eyes when she was cozy. When she did she was first engulfed in darkness. Then suddenly there was bright light. Too bright. Ally covered he eyes with her hand until she could stand the light. ‘ Am I in heaven?’ Ally thought to herself, as she looked around the room. First everything was a blurred, when everything became clear she notice her light blue carpet in her room, then her closet, dresser, desk, lap top, and everything else in her room. When her eyes landed on the clock she remembered she had school. Ally pushed off the covers that were on her and she closed the curtains, so there would be darkness in the room instead of sunlight. …When she did see the stop lights they were always green, never yellow or red. As Ally watched everything pass by she heard the radio say ‘ Hello 2015!’ When she heard that she kind of freaked out, one year past with her not knowing it! When the hover car stopped in the school parking lot, the group of friends all jumped out and went running towards their first period.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. (“Ally just nodded and went to the bathroom to check for something. Ally smiled at her reflection and saw what she wanted, kinda. Fangs. Suddenly she felt the thirsty for blood, but that night she didn’t have supper. Ally skipped dinner and took a shower and brushed her teeth and got to bed. She got changed into black shorts with t-shirt. When everything was cleaned up in her room, Ally crawled into bed, pulling the covers over herself. As she did she shut her eyes and drifting into nothingness. At the beginning of her dream it started with a voice.”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed very effectively. (“Ally crawled into bed and shut her eyes when she was cozy. When she did she was first engulfed in darkness. Then suddenly there was bright light. Too bright. Ally covered he eyes with her hand until she could stand the light. ‘ Am I in heaven?’ Ally thought to herself, as she looked around the room. First everything was a blurred, when everything became clear she notice her light blue carpet in her room, then her closet, dresser, desk, lap top, and everything else in her room. When her eyes landed on the clock she remembered she had school. Ally pushed off the covers that were on her and she closed the curtains, so there would be darkness in the room instead of sunlight.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are very effective. The essay provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The writer clearly establishes the conflict, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used very effectively to reveal the characters’ thoughts.

The setting is very effectively developed with details. (“Ally crawled into bed and shut her eyes when she was cozy. When she did she was first engulfed in darkness. Then suddenly there was bright light. Too bright. Ally covered he eyes with her hand until she could stand the light. ‘ Am I in heaven?’ Ally thought to herself, as she looked around the room. First everything was a blurred, when everything became clear she notice her light blue carpet in her room, then her closet, dresser, desk, lap top, and everything else in her room. When her eyes landed on the clock she remembered she had school. Ally pushed off the covers that were on her and she closed the curtains, so there would be darkness in the room instead of sunlight.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed very effectively. (“Ally jumped out with everyone else but when she went to run, a boy grabbed a hold of her hand and pulled her close to him.

‘What is he doing!?’ Ally screamed in her head, before she could said anything he pulled her into a kiss. When the kiss was over it left Ally dazed and confused but that didn’t keep her quiet. ‘ What are you doing? Who are you?’ Ally asked the guy as she pushed him away from her. ‘ Saying hello Ally. Like I always do. And don't you say that you don't know who I am. Everybody knows me, I'm Max! Your boyfriend,’ Max said calmly as he took her hand. ‘ Okay well, Max. Take me to my class okay? No wait! Just take me back home, please?’ Ally begged on the last part.”)

The plot is also developed very effectively. (“Ally rushed into her bathroom and took a shower then got out with a towel wrapped around herself. She then went to her room and changed into light blue pants, a pink tank top, with a black tank top over that, then black sandals. She looked into the mirror and brushed her hair into a clipy. When she was finished dressing for school, she slid down the downstairs railing and grabbed her bag and a bottle of O.J., heading out of the door. With the door shutting behind her, Ally looked around and remembered she needed her mom to take her to school, but when she was about to go in a group of friends in a hover car called her name.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is seen within this essay. The writer captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and because of an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The mood in the beginning of the essay is set very effectively with the use of sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“Ally crawled into bed and shut her eyes when she was cozy. When she did she was first engulfed in darkness. Then suddenly there was bright light. Too bright. Ally covered he eyes with her hand until she could stand the light. ‘Am I in heaven?’ Ally thought to herself, as she looked around the room. First everything was a blurred, when everything became clear she notice her light blue carpet in her room, then her closet, dresser, desk, lap top, and everything else in her room. When her eyes landed on the clock she remembered she had school. Ally pushed off the covers that were on her and she closed the curtains, so there would be darkness in the room instead of sunlight.”)

The events in the essay are clearly ordered. (“ ‘Mom! Are we vampires?’ ‘No. Why ask that? There are no such thing.’ Her mom yelled back poking her head around the corner or the door. The next year - 2015 - Ally did get together with Max, and they did get hover cars in the U.S. The only part that didn't happen was her family being a vampire, and she was grateful for that. Was that a dream of the future? Ally still asks herself to this day.”)

The ending demonstrates a very effective attempt to leave the readers with something to think about; for example, how to find out more about the subject. (“The next year - 2015 - Ally did get together with Max, and they did get hover cars in the U.S. The only part that didn't happen was her family being a vampire, and she was grateful for that. Was that a dream of the future? Ally still asks herself to this day.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is seen in this essay. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph, using effective language and tone. (“ Ally rushed into her bathroom and took a shower then got out with a towel wrapped around herself. She then went to her room and changed into light blue pants, a pink tank top, with a black tank top over that, then black sandals. She looked into the mirror and brushed her hair into a clipy. When she was finished dressing for school, she slid down the downstairs railing and grabbed her bag and a bottle of O.J., heading out of the door. With the door shutting behind her, Ally looked around and remembered she needed her mom to take her to school, but when she was about to go in a group of friends in a hover car called her name.”)

Coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ ‘Ally! Come on! We don't want to get in trouble because we're late to high school!’ The group of girls yelled at her. Ally walked over to the hover car and automatically got in. Ally watched in amazement as she saw that all the cars - that drove past - were hover cars, she also notice that there wasn't really stop lights anymore. When she did see the stop lights they were always green, never yellow or red. As Ally watched everything pass by she heard the radio say ‘ Hello 2015!’ When she heard that she kind of freaked out, one year past with her not knowing it! When the hover car stopped in the school parking lot, the group of friends all jumped out and went running towards their first period.”)

The writer effectively uses a compound-complex sentence. (“ With the door shutting behind her, Ally looked around and remembered she needed her mom to take her to school, but when she was about to go in a group of friends in a hover car called her name.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. Few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are seen.

For example:

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Ally crawled into bed and shut her eyes when she was cozy.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Ally jumped out with everyone else but when she went to run, a boy grabbed a hold of her hand and pulled her close to him.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ When Ally got inside the house -after her group of friends dropped her off - she headed upstairs, but the more she moved the more she stayed in the same spot. Ally finally just stopped and the stairs carried her to her room.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My most fantastic day ever is just the best. My most fantastic day ever starts off with me waking up at 12:30 pm in an amazing mansion. Then after that I walk to the bathroom and wash and brush my teeth. When finishing my wash up I take a walk down the stairs. I walk down and smell the amazing scent of the french toast that my personal chef has prepared just for me for my breakfast. As soon as my Yorkers smell the amazing food I am eating they rush to the kitchen to eat too.

After I finished eating my amazingly good breakfast I go back up the stairs to my bedroom. When entering my master bedroom towards my closet. I open my titanium doors. I open the doors to see my thousands of wonder laid out clothes. Also in my closet I see my hundreds of sneakers to match with every outfit and belts that I have in my closet. I go in my closet and pick out my outfit for my most fantastic day. My outfit turns out to be an orange top, blue jeans, and my fresh orange and white uptowns.

After getting dressed for the day, I walk back down the stairs, through the kitchen to get to my garage. I walk into my garage and see my three most fantastic cars. I see my 2007 orange Jaguar, next to that is parked my orange and black striped Ferrari, then finally is my 2006 black Hummer truck. So then I decide which car I wanted to take out and show off to everyone. I decided on my orange 2007 Jaguar because it matched the most with my outfit that day. I then pulled out of my 600 foot driveway, which took me like almost 10 minutes to do so.

My destination for the day was to go to a couple of the malls to go shopping. So my first stop was at the Danbury Mall. After spending 1,000 dollars at the Danbury Mall I then drove to the Westfarms Mall in New York . I went into the Gucci store that they had, and baught myself a pair of Gucci Sunglasses that cost at least $550. After that I had to go Foot Locker and get my fresh new pair of Jordan ’s. I will then head back to my fantastic mansion to get ready for dinner.

When I arrive at my mansion I walk inside to smell the scent of Chinese Food in the making. I call my friends and family members over to join me for my fantastic meal. They come through the doors and sit down at the table. When the chef brings out the food he comes with meals such as orange chicken, boneless spare rib tips, pork fried rice, and fortunes cookies. After enjoying such an amazing dinner we go to the family room to have some fun playing Scene It. After the all the laughter I then send my friends and family home. I walk back up the stairs to go and jump in the shower. After my nice relaxing shower I go into my pajamas, lay down in my king size bed, and fall asleep watching Family Guy. That was the most fantastic day ever!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. There is a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain) is clear. (“My most fantastic day ever is just the best. My most fantastic day ever starts off with me waking up at 12:30 pm in an amazing mansion. Then after that I walk to the bathroom and wash and brush my teeth. When finishing my wash up I take a walk down the stairs. I walk down and smell the amazing scent of the french toast that my personal chef has prepared just for me for my breakfast. As soon as my Yorkers smell the amazing food I am eating they rush to the kitchen to eat too.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“After getting dressed for the day, I walk back down the stairs, through the kitchen to get to my garage. I walk into my garage and see my three most fantastic cars. I see my 2007 orange Jaguar, next to that is parked my orange and black striped Ferrari, then finally is my 2006 black Hummer truck.”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed effectively. (“After I finished eating my amazingly good breakfast I go back up the stairs to my bedroom. When entering my master bedroom towards my closet. I open my titanium doors. I open the doors to see my thousands of wonder laid out clothes. Also in my closet I see my hundreds of sneakers to match with every outfit and belts that I have in my closet. I go in my closet and pick out my outfit for my most fantastic day. My outfit turns out to be an orange top, blue jeans, and my fresh orange and white uptowns.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are seen in this essay. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The essay establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“My destination for the day was to go to a couple of the malls to go shopping. So my first stop was at the Danbury Mall. After spending 1,000 dollars at the Danbury Mall I then drove to the Westfarms Mall in New York . I went into the Gucci store that they had, and baught myself a pair of Gucci Sunglasses that cost at least $550. After that I had to go Foot Locker and get my fresh new pair of Jordan ’s. I will then head back to my fantastic mansion to get ready for dinner.”)

There is effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“When I arrive at my mansion I walk inside to smell the scent of Chinese Food in the making. I call my friends and family members over to join me for my fantastic meal. They come through the doors and sit down at the table. When the chef brings out the food he comes with meals such as orange chicken, boneless spare rib tips, pork fried rice, and fortunes cookies . ”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“I decided on my orange 2007 Jaguar because it matched the most with my outfit that day. I then pulled out of my 600 foot driveway, which took me like almost 10 minutes to do so. My destination for the day was to go to a couple of the malls to go shopping. So my first stop was at the Danbury Mall. After spending 1,000 dollars at the Danbury Mall I then drove to the Westfarms Mall in New York .”)

Organization

Evidence of good organization is seen in this essay. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides the readers with a sense of completeness.

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ After getting dressed for the day, I walk back down the stairs, through the kitchen to get to my garage. I walk into my garage and see my three most fantastic cars. I see my 2007 orange Jaguar, next to that is parked my orange and black striped Ferrari, then finally is my 2006 black Hummer truck.”)

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ My most fantastic day ever is just the best. My most fantastic day ever starts off with me waking up at 12:30 pm in an amazing mansion. Then after that I walk to the bathroom and wash and brush my teeth. When finishing my wash up I take a walk down the stairs. I walk down and smell the amazing scent of the french toast that my personal chef has prepared just for me for my breakfast. As soon as my Yorkers smell the amazing food I am eating they rush to the kitchen to eat too.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ After enjoying such an amazing dinner we go to the family room to have some fun playing Scene It. After the all the laughter I then send my friends and family home. I walk back up the stairs to go and jump in the shower. After my nice relaxing shower I go into my pajamas, lay down in my king size bed, and fall asleep watching Family Guy. That was the most fantastic day ever!”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good use of language and style with appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. Furthermore, sentences are well structured with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ When I arrive at my mansion I walk inside to smell the scent of Chinese Food in the making. I call my friends and family members over to join me for my fantastic meal. They come through the doors and sit down at the table. When the chef brings out the food he comes with meals such as orange chicken, boneless spare rib tips, pork fried rice, and fortunes cookies.”)

Coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of each paragraph are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ After getting dressed for the day, I walk back down the stairs, through the kitchen to get to my garage. I walk into my garage and see my three most fantastic cars. I see my 2007 orange Jaguar, next to that is parked my orange and black striped Ferrari, then finally is my 2006 black Hummer truck. So then I decide which car I wanted to take out and show off to everyone. I decided on my orange 2007 Jaguar because it matched the most with my outfit that day. I then pulled out of my 600 foot driveway, which took me like almost 10 minutes to do so.”)

The writer effectively uses complex sentences. (“ After getting dressed for the day, I walk back down the stairs, through the kitchen to get to my garage.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message .

For example:

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ After spending 1,000 dollars at the Danbury Mall I then drove to the Westfarms Mall in New York .”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ My outfit turns out to be an orange top, blue jeans, and my fresh orange and white uptowns.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ As soon as my Yorkers smell the amazing food I am eating they rush to the kitchen to eat too.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I woke up feeling normal. I walked to school, like I always did. But this time people were turning into something they weren’t . I saw a women in a car turn into a bear. At first I thought that it was my eyes playing tricks on me but then my brother started to turn into a warthog.

When I got to school everything was normal.I went to homeroom and everybody was normal as can be. Then I went to P.E. and everybody were people.So I thought that it was just my morning brain had not woken up yet. Everything changed in English, I was reading my L.A. book when all of a sudden from the corner of my eye I saw Mrs.Carthemper tun into a dolphin. I looked over at everybody else and Jenny was a ladybug and Debbie was a alligator. Everyone else seemed not to notice that people were changing form.

Soon enough it was TLC and everyone lined up outside ready to come in. We all took our places in our seats and began to read. Keyon was making a noise so I looked over at him and he was a dog with little arms and a big head. Then Kameron turned into a liger, I looked over my shoulder and Freddy was a hot dog. Noor was asleep, but she was a witch, Else was a cowgirl, then I looked down and I was a penguin.

The bell rang and I ran outside to lunch screaming. Everybody was looking at me like I was crazy. I went up to Emily, but in few seconds she was a monkey. I looked for Tiffany, as I looked I saw pizzas, trees, potatoes, and a lot of animals. The only people that were humans were Tiffany and Melysa. I went over to them but as soon as I did, Tiffany was a polar bear and Melysa was a cow. I was so scared that I didn't know what to do. The bell rang for fifth period, oh no another period. When will it end?

When I walked in everything was normal, until 1:36. That was when it went over my head. Everyone were cars and instead of talking they were honking. One of them started to beep like an alarm. Then my eyes opened, it was all a dream. I couldn’t believe it, wow that was weird!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay provides adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the story

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“I woke up feeling normal. I walked to school, like I always did. But this time people were turning into something they weren’t . I saw a women in a car turn into a bear. At first I thought that it was my eyes playing tricks on me but then my brother started to turn into a warthog.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Everything changed in English, I was reading my L.A. book when all of a sudden from the corner of my eye I saw Mrs.Carthemper tun into a dolphin. I looked over at everybody else and Jenny was a ladybug and Debbie was a alligator. Everyone else seemed not to notice that people were changing form.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are adequately developed. (“The bell rang and I ran outside to lunch screaming. Everybody was looking at me like I was crazy. I went up to Emily, but in few seconds she was a monkey. I looked for Tiffany, as I looked I saw pizzas, trees, potatoes, and a lot of animals. The only people that were humans were Tiffany and Melysa. I went over to them but as soon as I did, Tiffany was a polar bear and Melysa was a cow. I was so scared that I didn’t know what to do. The bell rang for fifth period, oh no another period. When will it end?”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are demonstrated throughout this essay. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes tension/ conflict/problem, which holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

There are adequate sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“The bell rang and I ran outside to lunch screaming. Everybody was looking at me like I was crazy. I went up to Emily, but in few seconds she was a monkey. I looked for Tiffany, as I looked I saw pizzas, trees, potatoes, and a lot of animals. The only people that were humans were Tiffany and Melysa. I went over to them but as soon as I did, Tiffany was a polar bear and Melysa was a cow.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“The bell rang and I ran outside to lunch screaming. Everybody was looking at me like I was crazy. I went up to Emily, but in few seconds she was a monkey. I looked for Tiffany, as I looked I saw pizzas, trees, potatoes, and a lot of animals. The only people that were humans were Tiffany and Melysa. I went over to them but as soon as I did, Tiffany was a polar bear and Melysa was a cow. I was so scared that I didn’t know what to do. The bell rang for fifth period, oh no another period. When will it end?”)

There is adequate information about what happened during the event. (“Soon enough it was TLC and everyone lined up outside ready to come in. We all took our places in our seats and began to read. Keyon was making a noise so I looked over at him and he was a dog with little arms and a big head. Then Kameron turned into a liger, I looked over my shoulder and Freddy was a hot dog. Noor was asleep, but she was a witch, Else was a cowgirl, then I looked down and I was a penguin.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is provided in this essay, which features an interesting opening to the story that keeps the reader reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another by using transitions to support sequential development.

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Soon enough it was TLC and everyone lined up outside ready to come in.”)

The story adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ I woke up feeling normal. I walked to school, like I always did. But this time people were turning into something they weren’t . I saw a women in a car turn into a bear. At first I thought that it was my eyes playing tricks on me but then my brother started to turn into a warthog.”)

The story includes an adequate ending. (“ When I walked in everything was normal, until 1:36. That was when it went over my head. Everyone were cars and instead of talking they were honking. One of them started to beep like an alarm. Then my eyes opened, it was all a dream. I couldn’t believe it, wow that was weird!”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are demonstrated in this essay. The writer uses appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ When I got to school everything was normal.I went to homeroom and everybody was normal as can be. Then I went to P.E. and everybody were people.So I thought that it was just my morning brain had not woken up yet. Everything changed in English, I was reading my L.A. book when all of a sudden from the corner of my eye I saw Mrs.Carthemper tun into a dolphin.”)

Exact and specific words like “normal” from the prompt task are used adequately. (“ When I got to school everything was normal.”)

However, word choices are sometimes poor. (“ I woke up feeling normal. … When I got to school everything was normal.I went to homeroom and everybody was normal as can be.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ We all took our places in our seats and began to read. Keyon was making a noise so I looked over at him and he was a dog with little arms and a big head.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ I was so scared that I didn't know what to do.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ The bell rang and I ran outside to lunch screaming. Everybody was looking at me like I was crazy.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Once upon a time there was a city named Marchon in Arkansas . There it was a normal city, nothing happened it was quiet all the time. On a February the fifteenth it was snowing a little. A boy named Joe was in school hoping that the snow would stick. He was going to Coach Tito’s third period he saw that it wasn't sticking, and then something amazing happened!

A giant mountain appeared out of no where. Taller then Mount Everest everybody was amazed that a mountain just came up out of no where Joe was happy and starts shouting that class is canceled and then a avalanche comes down from the mountain and out of the snow the abominable snowman comes out and throws snowballs at Coach Costly, so then Coach Costly tackles him and takes him to be expelled in the office as everybody comes out to see the mountain it starts to shake!

Then,out of the mountain comes King Kong the giant gorilla. He starts Stomping on the school while all the teachers are in shock. He runs when the military choppers start shooting at him. After a short while of the teachers discussing what to do now that the school has been ruined. Mr. Hertle tells everybody to go home because school has been canceled until it is rebuilt. I go back to my place and i find my friends waiting to go skating so i go grab my board. My friends

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are limited. The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

The main event of the story is adequately stated. (“A boy named Joe was in school hoping that the snow would stick. He was going to Coach Tito’s third period he saw that it wasn't sticking, and then something amazing happened! A giant mountain appeared out of no where.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“A giant mountain appeared out of no where. Taller then Mount Everest everybody was amazed that a mountain just came up out of no where Joe was happy and starts shouting that class is canceled and then a avalanche comes down from the mountain and out of the snow the abominable snowman comes out and throws snowballs at Coach Costly, so then Coach Costly tackles him and takes him to be expelled in the office as everybody comes out to see the mountain it starts to shake!”)

Details about characters are limited. (“Once upon a time there was a city named Marchon in Arkansas . There it was a normal city, nothing happened it was quiet all the time. On a February the fifteenth it was snowing a little. A boy named Joe was in school hoping that the snow would stick. He was going to Coach Tito’s third period he saw that it wasn't sticking, and then something amazing happened!”)

Content & Development

Content and development is limited in this essay. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. A conflict or a problem is stated, but not developed. No dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is limited sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“Once upon a time there was a city named Marchon in Arkansas . There it was a normal city, nothing happened it was quiet all the time. On a February the fifteenth it was snowing a little.”)

The characters are developed with limited detail. (“A boy named Joe was in school hoping that the snow would stick. He was going to Coach Tito’s third period he saw that it wasn't sticking, and then something amazing happened!”)

The plot is also limited. (“Then,out of the mountain comes King Kong the giant gorilla. He starts Stomping on the school while all the teachers are in shock. He runs when the military choppers start shooting at him. After a short while of the teachers discussing what to do now that the school has been ruined. Mr. Hertle tells everybody to go home because school has been canceled until it is rebuilt. I go back to my place and i find my friends waiting to go skating so i go grab my board. My friends”)

Organization

This essay displays limited organization; it provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak. Little closure is provided for readers.

The introduction demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Once upon a time there was a city named Marchon in Arkansas . There it was a normal city, nothing happened it was quiet all the time. On a February the fifteenth it was snowing a little. A boy named Joe was in school hoping that the snow would stick. He was going to Coach Tito’s third period he saw that it wasn't sticking, and then something amazing happened!”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Then,out of the mountain comes King Kong the giant gorilla. He starts Stomping on the school while all the teachers are in shock. He runs when the military choppers start shooting at him. After a short while of the teachers discussing what to do now that the school has been ruined.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ Then,out of the mountain comes King Kong the giant gorilla. He starts Stomping on the school while all the teachers are in shock. He runs when the military choppers start shooting at him. After a short while of the teachers discussing what to do now that the school has been ruined. Mr. Hertle tells everybody to go home because school has been canceled until it is rebuilt. I go back to my place and i find my friends waiting to go skating so i go grab my board. My friends”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is conveyed throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. In addition, the essay relies on simple sentences, which contain insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ Taller then Mount Everest everybody was amazed that a mountain just came up out of no where Joe was happy and starts shouting that class is canceled and then a avalanche comes down from the mountain and out of the snow the abominable snowman comes out and throws snowballs at Coach Costly, so then Coach Costly tackles him and takes him to be expelled in the office as everybody comes out to see the mountain it starts to shake!”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions, as the word “then” is used twice. (“ Taller then Mount Everest everybody was amazed that a mountain just came up out of no where Joe was happy and starts shouting that class is canceled and then a avalanche comes down from the mountain and out of the snow the abominable snowman comes out and throws snowballs at Coach Costly, so then Coach Costly tackles him and takes him to be expelled in the office as everybody comes out to see the mountain it starts to shake! Then,out of the mountain comes King Kong the giant gorilla. ”)

The writer should keep the writing consistent in either first person or third person. This would make the purpose of the story and the intended audience clearer. (“ Once upon a time there was a city named Marchon in Arkansas . There it was a normal city, nothing happened it was quiet all the time. On a February the fifteenth it was snowing a little. A boy named Joe was in school hoping that the snow would stick. He was going to Coach Tito’s third period he saw that it wasn't sticking, and then something amazing happened! … I go back to my place and i find my friends waiting to go skating so i go grab my board. My friends”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay’s control of conventions and mechanics is limited. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should:

Make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action) to avoid sentence fragments, such as the following: “After a short while of the teachers discussing what to do now that the school has been ruined.”

End each sentence with a punctuation mark to avoid run-on sentences, as in the following example from the essay: “He was going to Coach Tito’s third period he saw that it wasn't sticking, and then something amazing happened!”

Particular words should include capital letters. (“I go back to my place and i find my friends waiting to go skating so i go grab my board.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

A fantastic day ! I saw the UFO when I walking on the street, the alien at the UFO and I can talk with them. wow, that it so interesting! And they give me a gift. It is look like a bottle, its name is “Dream Bottle!”. That is funny.!!! And then I am so happy that because I fine some books I am very very very like, and the books is very very very difficult to fine, so I am very very happy.

when I go to the aquarium my good friend, I saw the mermaid.It so beautiful. We are so happy and we saw some fish are swimming in the beer. they are very funny that because they swimming in the beer, they are rocking the aquarium. It is make me large. and then I can go to the moon and live there, I so exciting that because I saw my good friend live there, too. We are so happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning, with a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that may stray from the point of the story.

The writer only minimally states the main event of the narrative. (“A fantastic day ! I saw the UFO when I walking on the street, the alien at the UFO and I can talk with them. wow, that it so interesting! And they give me a gift. It is look like a bottle, its name is ‘Dream Bottle!’. That is funny.!!! And then I am so happy that because I fine some books I am very very very like, and the books is very very very difficult to fine, so I am very very happy.”)

All parts of the story often do not relate to the main event. (“when I go to the aquarium my good friend, I saw the mermaid.It so beautiful. We are so happy and we saw some fish are swimming in the beer. they are very funny that because they swimming in the beer, they are rocking the aquarium. It is make me large. and then I can go to the moon and live there, I so exciting that because I saw my good friend live there, too. We are so happy.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“when I go to the aquarium my good friend, I saw the mermaid.It so beautiful. We are so happy and we saw some fish are swimming in the beer. they are very funny that because they swimming in the beer, they are rocking the aquarium. It is make me large. and then I can go to the moon and live there, I so exciting that because I saw my good friend live there, too. We are so happy.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are demonstrated in this essay. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only mentioned rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. No dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“A fantastic day ! I saw the UFO when I walking on the street, the alien at the UFO and I can talk with them. wow, that it so interesting! And they give me a gift. It is look like a bottle, its name is ‘Dream Bottle!’. That is funny.!!! And then I am so happy that because I fine some books I am very very very like, and the books is very very very difficult to fine, so I am very very happy.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“A fantastic day ! I saw the UFO when I walking on the street, the alien at the UFO and I can talk with them. wow, that it so interesting! And they give me a gift. It is look like a bottle, its name is ‘Dream Bottle!’. That is funny.!!! And then I am so happy that because I fine some books I am very very very like, and the books is very very very difficult to fine, so I am very very happy.”)

The characters are also not developed in detail. (“when I go to the aquarium my good friend, I saw the mermaid.It so beautiful. We are so happy and we saw some fish are swimming in the beer. they are very funny that because they swimming in the beer, they are rocking the aquarium. It is make me large. and then I can go to the moon and live there, I so exciting that because I saw my good friend live there, too. We are so happy.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. It provides an opening that repeats the title of the prompt. The flow of the story is difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. There is also little evidence of an ending demonstrated.

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ A fantastic day ! I saw the UFO when I walking on the street, the alien at the UFO and I can talk with them. wow, that it so interesting! And they give me a gift. It is look like a bottle, its name is ‘Dream Bottle!’. That is funny.!!! And then I am so happy that because I fine some books I am very very very like, and the books is very very very difficult to fine, so I am very very happy.”)

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ A fantastic day ! I saw the UFO when I walking on the street, the alien at the UFO and I can talk with them. wow, that it so interesting! And they give me a gift. It is look like a bottle, its name is ‘Dream Bottle!’. That is funny.!!! And then I am so happy that because I fine some books I am very very very like, and the books is very very very difficult to fine, so I am very very happy.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ when I go to the aquarium my good friend, I saw the mermaid.It so beautiful. We are so happy and we saw some fish are swimming in the beer. they are very funny that because they swimming in the beer, they are rocking the aquarium. It is make me large. and then I can go to the moon and live there, I so exciting that because I saw my good friend live there, too. We are so happy.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is seen throughout this essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. B asic errors in sentence structure and usage are also present.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ I saw the UFO when I walking on the street, the alien at the UFO and I can talk with them.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ I saw the UFO when I walking on the street, the alien at the UFO and I can talk with them.”)

There is also repetition in the essay. (“ And then I am so happy that because I fine some books I am very very very like, and the books is very very very difficult to fine, so I am very very happy. when I go to the aquarium my good friend, I saw the mermaid.It so beautiful. We are so happy and we saw some fish are swimming in the beer. they are very funny that because they swimming in the beer, they are rocking the aquarium. It is make me large. and then I can go to the moon and live there, I so exciting that because I saw my good friend live there, too. We are so happy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in the text. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not:

Make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“A fantastic day !”)

Avoid punctuation errors. (“We are so happy and we saw some fish are swimming in the beer. they are very funny that because they swimming in the beer, they are rocking the aquarium.”)

Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“when I go to the aquarium my good friend, I saw the mermaid.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer also provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

The story does not state the main event. (“my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

The intended audience for the story is not clear. (“my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are seen in this essay. It l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

The characters are not developed in detail; there is inadequate sensory detail about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate. It has an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with no clear middle or end.

The beginning does not creatively grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“ my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

The story includes no ending. (“ my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate use of language and style is seen in this essay. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

The writer uses the same word (“I”) to begin the two sentences in the paragraph. (“ i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions than just simply “and” and “then.” (“ my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Control of conventions and mechanics in this student’s writing is inadequate. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not:

Make sure the words in each sentence are spelled correctly. (“my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .”)

End each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“my name is april and i am going to tell you about my fantastic day . my day starts off with me getting out of bed and i was planing to go to my grandma’s house to vist her .i took a shower then i put on my clothes. i put on my slides then i went down stairs and my sister was already going to the bus stop”)

A Future Success Story

Imagine that it is twenty years in the future and you are about to receive an award for an important accomplishment. How did you become so successful and why are you winning this award?

In a well-written story, describe this event in detail. Be sure to include specific details to make the story vivid for the readers.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

The continuous deafening ringing of the alarm clock had roused me up from my pleasant dream. I groaned and moaned as my feet dragged me off the bed, annoyed by the ceaseless noise of the clock. As I slowly got off my bed to turn off the alarm, I suddenly remembered what special day it was. It all came back to me in a rush. I recalled the letter that I had received from the music awards department, which said that I was invited to an award ceremony. Leaping up with joy and excitement, I hastily dressed up, ate a quick breakfast, and charged out the door in zap. Zooming to my destination, I wondered, anxiously, what special prize I would receive. When I had finally came to an end of my journey and arrived at my dream place, the magnificent hall was already bustling with a bunch of people.

The host of the award ceremony, a fine lad dressed in a vanilla-colored tuxedo, walked up the stairs to the glamorous stage with a wide grin on his face. "Hello, my guests! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you our most honored guest here. Let me present to you, Ms. Smith." Gasping and surprised, I happily strode onto the stage. Totally grateful for this perfect dream of my life to come true, I unconsciously shed into cheerful tears.

Giving me a congratulating smile, the host inquired me with a few questions as to how I became so successful. "Ms. Smith, when did you start getting interested in playing the piano, and what or who inspired you to become so great?"

"Well, I guess it all began from the time when I joined the Yamaha National Piano Competition at the age of eight. After experiencing the fascinating feel of performing on stage in front of dozens of people, I started to gain interest in becoming a piano performer. I especially thank God for giving me such a talent of music. The other two most important people, whom I would like to thank, would be my mom and Ms. Carolyn. I really appreciate my mom for encouraging me to continue my piano lessons and for helping me during hard times. Ms. Carolyn, my piano teacher, was also a brilliant helping hand to me. She always spends her time correcting all of my mistakes and improving my piano technical skills, free of charge, before a competition pops up."

The host asked, "Do you have a favorite composer whose artistic works of music contributed to your success?"

I answered, "Yes, indeed. Without any doubt, Beethoven is the best of the best. I was already a super fan of his when I was only twelve years old. His music, which is filled with amazingly clear dynamics, flows so smoothly and gently through the air that it always makes my heart flutter up and down with delight every time I hear it. The thing that I love best about his music is the aggressiveness in it. Many parts of his compositions contain loud pounding sections of excitement, which make you dance at the sound of it. One of my favorites is the song, Moonlight Sonata. Its remorseful tone, although deep and dark has a tinge of warmth and comfort to it. The right hand melody is very obvious, making his compositions sound even cleaner and more beautiful."

"You seem to be gifted in Chopin, too. Does his music also sound appealing to your ears?" the host questioned, cocking his head.

I then replied, "Of course. Chopin is my second most favored pianist. As a composer of the Romantic Period, he could really touch you with his lovely music. His waltzes are awesome and full of vivid phrases of music."

"How many competitions and performances have you had in all?"

I responded, "I've only joined eighteen competitions and had twenty five performances."

Eyes widely opened, jaw nearly dropping all the way down onto the floor, the host yelled, "What! You call that ONLY? Wow, you are really something. No wonder you received the best pianist's award.

The host paused for a moment to clear his throat and then continued. "Now, would you mind performing a musical piece for all of us? We are all very eager to hear the best pianist here perform."

The audience cheered and yelped as I headed towards the grand piano, placed my hands onto the yin-yang colored keys, and began playing the most beautiful piece in the whole wide world with all my soul and strength. I would never forget this awesome event. This special occasion would be staying with me for the rest of my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The story exhibits a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Furthermore, the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Giving me a congratulating smile, the host inquired me with a few questions as to how I became so successful. ‘Ms. Smith, when did you start getting interested in playing the piano, and what or who inspired you to become so great?’”) In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. (“As I slowly got off my bed to turn off the alarm, I suddenly remembered what special day it was. It all came back to me in a rush. I recalled the letter that I had received from the music awards department, which said that I was invited to an award ceremony.”) The audience for the story is thoroughly understood. (“I would never forget this awesome event. This special occasion would be staying with me for the rest of my life.”)

Content & Development

This story exhibits very effective content and development. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The writer also creates complex characters. The story clearly establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The story’s dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. Specifically, detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“The audience cheered and yelped as I headed towards the grand piano, placed my hands onto the yin-yang colored keys, and began playing the most beautiful piece in the whole wide world with all my soul and strength.”) The dialogue is developed very effectively. (“I then replied, ‘Of course. Chopin is my second most favored pianist. As a composer of the Romantic Period, he could really touch you with his lovely music. His waltzes are awesome and full of vivid phrases of music.’”) There is very effective sensory detail about the setting. (“ The continuous deafening ringing of the alarm clock had roused me up from my pleasant dream. I groaned and moaned as my feet dragged me off the bed, annoyed by the ceaseless noise of the clock. As I slowly got off my bed to turn off the alarm, I suddenly remembered what special day it was.”)

Organization

This story demonstrates very effective organization. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing a clever opening. Also, the story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together. In particular, the mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words. (“ The continuous deafening ringing of the alarm clock had roused me up from my pleasant dream. I groaned and moaned as my feet dragged me off the bed, annoyed by the ceaseless noise of the clock. As I slowly got off my bed to turn off the alarm, I suddenly remembered what special day it was.”) Events are clearly in order. (“ When I had finally came to an end of my journey and arrived at my dream place, the magnificent hall was already bustling with a bunch of people…. The host of the award ceremony, a fine lad dressed in a vanilla-colored tuxedo, walked up the stairs to the glamorous stage with a wide grin on his face…. The audience cheered and yelped as I headed towards the grand piano, placed my hands onto the yin-yang colored keys, and began playing the most beautiful piece in the whole wide world with all my soul and strength.”) The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and the main character’s feelings. (“I would never forget this awesome event. This special occasion would be staying with me for the rest of my life.”)

Language Use & Style

This story exhibits very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured and varied sentences. In particular, paragraphs are aligned well with each other in terms of language and tone. (“ The host paused for a moment to clear his throat and then continued….The audience cheered and yelped as I headed towards the grand piano, placed my hands onto the yin-yang colored keys, and began playing the most beautiful piece in the whole wide world with all my soul and strength.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the focus of the story. (“ Giving me a congratulating smile, the host inquired me with a few questions as to how I became so successful. ‘Ms. Smith, when did you start getting interested in playing the piano, and what or who inspired you to become so great?’”) Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“‘ I really appreciate my mom for encouraging me to continue my piano lessons and for helping me during hard times. Ms. Carolyn, my piano teacher, was also a brilliant helping hand to me. She always spends her time correcting all of my mistakes and improving my piano technical skills, free of charge, before a competition pops up.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and paragraphs are distinguished by a line break. (“ The host of the award ceremony, a fine lad dressed in a vanilla-colored tuxedo, walked up the stairs to the glamorous stage with a wide grin on his face. ‘Hello, my guests! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you our most honored guest here. Let me present to you, Ms. Smith.’ Gasping and surprised, I happily strode onto the stage. Totally grateful for this perfect dream of my life to come true, I unconsciously shed into cheerful tears.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Walking through the crowd and onto the stage, I reached out to accept the award I had worked so hard to get. But why am I being rewarded and what for? What events led to this glorious event in my life? What choices did I make to lead me down the road of success?

Twenty years ago, most people didn't really think about the future while they still had their youth. But twenty years ago I was fourteen and I knew exactly what I wanted for my future. I wanted to help animals. I wanted to see how they reacted to certain treatments and learn to cure the deadliest of diseases. But I started small, since I couldn't get a job with a bigger part that dealt with animals. I simply volunteered at the animal shelter. Little did I know those experiences and good times would be the cornerstone of my successful career. Those were some of the best years of my young life. When I was accepted into Yale University , though, no doubt that was one of the greatest moments of my young adult hood.

While attending Yale I studied Zoology, marine biology, and minor medicine. I stayed at Yale for as long as it took. I worked hard and studied hard. I feel that every second of every night I was hard at work, paid off in the long run. Taking the exams year after year I couldn't help but wonder that the job I had been striving for wasn't all it was cut out to be. My grades never faltered and I was happy about that. While attending Yale I had more than enough friends at the time. I had all I ever wanted out of life. When I graduated from Yale I had a master's degree in Zoology and I minored in medicine and marine Biology.

This was it, the big time. I worked in an animal institute where animals were tested cleaned and rehabilitated. I was one of the veterinarians there. I was probably the youngest, which brings me to my greatest mentor, Dr. Charles Wellington. We had both attended Yale and got along greatly. I feel he was my greatest friend, the brother I never had. But I had discovered something that had stunned everyone at the workplace. One night I was working the night shift running the standard tests on some of the sicker animals. I had discovered something. It was a sore on Sage, one of the Calico cats we were trying to rehabilitate. It was like nothing I've ever seen. I used the standard treatments for sores but it didn’t change. So I kept a log of what medicines did what to the sore and how Sage reacted to the treatments. It was finally after nights of treatments I found a cure. I was making an antibiotic for Sage when I mistakenly mixed two chemicals together. The mixture changed blue and after testing it on my skin, no negative affects. That afternoon Sage took a turn for the worse, almost completely paralyzed. I took a chance and tried my experimental antibiotic on him. By the next morning, the sore was gone, and Sage was no longer paralyzed.

After taking in a great amount of thought and more tests I had found that the sore was affecting his vital systems causing him to be paralyzed; it mostly affected his heart. So after talking with Dr. Charles Wellington we called the disease Cardiohaltix. The disease was considered deadly and contagious. After bringing my findings, logs, and reports to the Head of animal Medicines, they were shocked. With great gratitude, they awarded me a great honor, the AHA, their animal health award. These events led to my findings and to my award. I still plan to try and make a difference.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Also, the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The story states the main event well. (“But I had discovered something that had stunned everyone at the workplace. One night I was working the night shift running the standard tests on some of the sicker animals. I had discovered something. It was a sore on Sage, one of the Calico cats we were trying to rehabilitate.”) In the beginning, the supporting events are stated well. (“Twenty years ago, most people didn't really think about the future while they still had their youth. But twenty years ago I was fourteen and I knew exactly what I wanted for my future. I wanted to help animals.”) The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Walking through the crowd and onto the stage, I reached out to accept the award I had worked so hard to get. But why am I being rewarded and what for? What events led to this glorious event in my life? What choices did I make to lead me down the road of success?”)

Content & Development

The story exhibits good content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The writer also establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. In particular, the characters are developed in effective detail. (“ But twenty years ago I was fourteen and I knew exactly what I wanted for my future. I wanted to help animals. I wanted to see how they reacted to certain treatments and learn to cure the deadliest of diseases. But I started small, since I couldn't get a job with a bigger part that dealt with animals. I simply volunteered at the animal shelter.”) The plot is effectively developed. (“ I had discovered something. It was a sore on Sage, one of the Calico cats we were trying to rehabilitate. It was like nothing I've ever seen. I used the standard treatments for sores but it didn’t change….That afternoon Sage took a turn for the worse, almost completely paralyzed.”) Details effectively describe the story’s solution. (“ I took a chance and tried my experimental antibiotic on him. By the next morning, the sore was gone, and Sage was no longer paralyzed.”)

Organization

This story demonstrates good organization. The opening of story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The story’s ending provides its readers with a sense of completeness. Specifically, the beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab readers’ attention by including a question. (“ Walking through the crowd and onto the stage, I reached out to accept the award I had worked so hard to get. But why am I being rewarded and what for? What events led to this glorious event in my life? What choices did I make to lead me down the road of success?”) The beginning includes effective background information about the event. (“ Twenty years ago, most people didn't really think about the future while they still had their youth. But twenty years ago I was fourteen and I knew exactly what I wanted for my future. I wanted to help animals.”) The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and the main character’s feelings. (“ After bringing my findings, logs, and reports to the Head of animal Medicines, they were shocked. With great gratitude, they awarded me a great honor, the AHA, their animal health award. These events led to my findings and to my award. I still plan to try and make a difference.”)

Language Use & Style

This story demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety . The language and tone are consistent throughout the story. (“ But I had discovered something that had stunned everyone at the workplace. One night I was working the night shift running the standard tests on some of the sicker animals….I took a chance and tried my experimental antibiotic on him. By the next morning, the sore was gone, and Sage was no longer paralyzed.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ But twenty years ago I was fourteen and I knew exactly what I wanted for my future. I wanted to help animals. I wanted to see how they reacted to certain treatments and learn to cure the deadliest of diseases. But I started small, since I couldn't get a job with a bigger part that dealt with animals.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ After bringing my findings, logs, and reports to the Head of animal Medicines, they were shocked. With great gratitude, they awarded me a great honor, the AHA, their animal health award.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message. Sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ While attending Yale I studied Zoology, marine biology, and minor medicine. I stayed at Yale for as long as it took. I worked hard and studied hard. I feel that every second of every night I was hard at work, paid off in the long run. Taking the exams year after year I couldn't help but wonder that the job I had been striving for wasn't all it was cut out to be. My grades never faltered and I was happy about that.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I just turned thirty-three and I have received an award for being the first person to accomplish decreasing global warming. When the head of the global warming department called my name to come up to the stand and receive my award, my face lit up. Getting this award, reminded me that I had made a difference in the world. It was an amazing feeling to know that any one at any age could make a difference.

John Potter, Head of Global Warming institution, told me it was an honor to give me the award. With my cheesy smile, and shiny white teeth, I thanked him and shook his hand. The crowd went crazy in applause and happiness. As I walked up to the microphone, I began telling every one how I had been so successful. Ever since I was a little girl, I always cared about the penguins in Antarctica, the endangered animals in Africa , even trees! I really enjoyed living so I wanted our world to look great.

I had started a program named "Taylor Goes Green." I visited schools all around the world to tell what kind of difference it makes just to recycle a single can or to turn off a light you are not using. The younger you start to want to make a difference in the world, the more it will help as you get older. Most kids when they are young, think that some adults will think they are too young to make a difference. That is not true, kids can stand up for themselves and can make just as much of a difference as any one else can. Right after I finished my final sentence, people stood up with tears in their eyes and slowly clapping into a thunderous clap.

Hearing the support from all those people felt amazing. I planted a huge smile on my face and even let out a few tears. I said thank you and stepped off the stage. Right when I got off the stage, people ran to me with microphones and cameras blurting out questions. One man wearing a black tux and blue tie, asked me what age I had started the "Taylor Goes Green" program. I responded in a loud voice, "I had planned it since I was 7, but no one took me seriously until I was 12." I answered a few more questions and went my way home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer also provides description and details that are relevant to the story. The story states the main event of the story adequately. (“ I just turned thirty-three and I have received an award for being the first person to accomplish decreasing global warming. When the head of the global warming department called my name to come up to the stand and receive my award, my face lit up.”) The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“ John Potter, Head of Global Warming institution, told me it was an honor to give me the award. With my cheesy smile, and shiny white teeth, I thanked him and shook his hand.”) Details in the story focus on the main event. (“ I had started a program named "Taylor Goes Green." I visited schools all around the world to tell what kind of difference it makes just to recycle a single can or to turn off a light you are not using. The younger you start to want to make a difference in the world, the more it will help as you get older.”)

Content & Development

This story exhibits adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and believable characters. The writer also establishes a problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Specifically, adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“ I just turned thirty-three and I have received an award for being the first person to accomplish decreasing global warming. When the head of the global warming department called my name to come up to the stand and receive my award, my face lit up.”) There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“ I had started a program named "Taylor Goes Green." I visited schools all around the world to tell what kind of difference it makes just to recycle a single can or to turn off a light you are not using.”) The dialogue is also developed adequately. (“ One man wearing a black tux and blue tie, asked me what age I had started the ‘Taylor Goes Green’ program. I responded in a loud voice, ‘I had planned it since I was 7, but no one took me seriously until I was 12.’ I answered a few more questions and went my way home.”)

Organization

This story demonstrates adequate organization. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The beginning includes adequate background information about the event. (“ I just turned thirty-three and I have received an award for being the first person to accomplish decreasing global warming. When the head of the global warming department called my name to come up to the stand and receive my award, my face lit up. Getting this award, reminded me that I had made a difference in the world.”) Events are clearly in order. (“ John Potter, Head of Global Warming institution, told me it was an honor to give me the award. With my cheesy smile, and shiny white teeth, I thanked him and shook his hand. The crowd went crazy in applause and happiness. As I walked up to the microphone, I began telling every one how I had been so successful.”) The story includes an adequate ending. (“ I answered a few more questions and went my way home.”)

Language Use & Style

The story exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Hearing the support from all those people felt amazing. I planted a huge smile on my face and even let out a few tears. I said thank you and stepped off the stage. Right when I got off the stage, people ran to me with microphones and cameras blurting out questions.”) Exact and specific words from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ John Potter, Head of Global Warming institution, told me it was an honor to give me the award. With my cheesy smile, and shiny white teeth, I thanked him and shook his hand. The crowd went crazy in applause and happiness. As I walked up to the microphone, I began telling every one how I had been so successful.”) However, word choices are sometimes poor. (“ Most kids when they are young, think that some adults will think they are too young to make a difference. That is not true, kids can stand up for themselves and can make just as much of a difference as any one else can.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Hearing the support from all those people felt amazing. I planted a huge smile on my face and even let out a few tears. I said thank you and stepped off the stage. Right when I got off the stage, people ran to me with microphones and cameras blurting out questions. One man wearing a black tux and blue tie, asked me what age I had started the ‘Taylor Goes Green’ program.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

In 2027 I receive an award for an important accomplishment.I became so successful for scoring 890 goals in soccer in just 9 months.I was so happy to receive this award because I thought I never would have made it to the finals and then I get this award I can't explain my feelings.At first I started with nothing ,no money and no friends because every body thought I stunk at soccer ,but now every body loves me and I have lots of friends that want to play soccer with me and want to have fun.I am so happy that people really care about what I do and who I work for because if it wasn't for my coach I wouldn't be who I am now ,a famous soccer player. now everybody loves me around the world.

After I get this award I am going to build a hospital for people that have cancer,and if they can't pay their bills and medicine I would pay their bills and their medicines.Everybody in my family is so proud of me.I love my family,and I also thank them for supporting me. The hospital would be for famous soccer players too.The soccer players would visit the people that have cancer and talk to them about their life and how they got to be a famous soccer player.

Well at first soccer was a little bit hard to play because you had to do trix and throw long kicks and you had to make a goal from far.Well I like soccer and I am forever going to love it and not change it for no other sport because it is in my heart and in my family.Soccer is the famouse sport every were you go because every state you go they have soccer some were in the state or country.Well I thank the people who gave me the award becaue they really apresiate me and I want to thank them one more time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Also, the writer provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. Specifically, all parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“Everybody in my family is so proud of me.I love my family,and I also thank them for supporting me. The hospital would be for famous soccer players too.The soccer players would visit the people that have cancer and talk to them about their life and how they got to be a famous soccer player.”) The events in the story are not always consistent with the prompt. (“Soccer is the famouse sport every were you go because every state you go they have soccer some were in the state or country.”) The audience for the story is not always clear. (“Well I thank the people who gave me the award becaue they really apresiate me and I want to thank them one more time.”)

Content & Development

This story demonstrates limited content and development. A dequately developed plot, setting, and characters may be provided, but the composition lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension or a problem may be stated, but it is not developed. In particular, limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“ Well at first soccer was a little bit hard to play because you had to do trix and throw long kicks and you had to make a goal from far.”) The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“ I am so happy that people really care about what I do and who I work for because if it wasn't for my coach I wouldn't be who I am now ,a famous soccer player. now everybody loves me around the world.”) There is limited development about what happened before the event. (“At first I started with nothing ,no money and no friends because every body thought I stunk at soccer ,but now every body loves me and I have lots of friends that want to play soccer with me and want to have fun.”)

Organization

This story demonstrates limited organization. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story is broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions are weak. The story may or may not provide its readers with some sense of closure. In particular, the beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ In 2027 I receive an award for an important accomplishment.I became so successful for scoring 890 goals in soccer in just 9 months.”) Events are sometimes not clearly in order. (“ After I get this award I am going to build a hospital for people that have cancer,and if they can't pay their bills and medicine I would pay their bills and their medicines.Everybody in my family is so proud of me.I love my family,and I also thank them for supporting me.”) The story demonstrates a limited ending. (“ Well I thank the people who gave me the award becaue they really apresiate me and I want to thank them one more time.”)

Language Use & Style

The story exhibits limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety. There are run-on portions in the story. (“ At first I started with nothing ,no money and no friends because every body thought I stunk at soccer ,but now every body loves me and I have lots of friends that want to play soccer with me and want to have fun.”) Exact words are missing. (“ Well at first soccer was a little bit hard to play because you had to do trix and throw long kicks and you had to make a goal from far.”) The style is not formal. (“ Well I like soccer and I am forever going to love it and not change it for no other sport because it is in my heart and in my family.Soccer is the famouse sport every were you go because every state you go they have soccer some were in the state or country.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Well at first soccer was a little bit hard to play because you had to do trix and throw long kicks and you had to make a goal from far.Well I like soccer and I am forever going to love it and not change it for no other sport because it is in my heart and in my family.Soccer is the famouse sport every were you go because every state you go they have soccer some were in the state or country.Well I thank the people who gave me the award becaue they really apresiate me and I want to thank them one more time.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

In twenty years I'll have become an imature fighting instructor. I'll have taught thousands of kids and adults. And in this story i'll tell you how I came to be. I'll start from when I was 20 years old wrestling my brother.

I was wrestling my unbeatable brother, geting him ready for his UFC match when I thought of a newer better way to make a timemachine. But I finished warming up my ,atheletic, brother. the only reason was because I didn't have the money, the techno, and the exact know how. So I started two jobs one was UFC coach assistant the other was docter assistant.I worked a full week. Six hours each.15$ each. I was easily second best at both. Within one month I had enough money.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer may also provide description and details that may stray from the point of the story. The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“ I was wrestling my unbeatable brother, geting him ready for his UFC match when I thought of a newer better way to make a timemachine.”) In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated only minimally. (“In twenty years I'll have become an imature fighting instructor. I'll have taught thousands of kids and adults. And in this story i'll tell you how I came to be. I'll start from when I was 20 years old wrestling my brother.”) The audience for the story is often not clear. (“ And in this story i'll tell you how I came to be. I'll start from when I was 20 years old wrestling my brother.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The composition lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting, and no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“But I finished warming up my ,atheletic, brother. the only reason was because I didn't have the money, the techno, and the exact know how.”) There is little important information about what happened before the event. (“I was wrestling my unbeatable brother, geting him ready for his UFC match when I thought of a newer better way to make a timemachine.”) The plot is only minimally developed. (“So I started two jobs one was UFC coach assistant the other was docter assistant.I worked a full week. Six hours each.15$ each. I was easily second best at both. Within one month I had enough money.”)

Organization

This story exhibits minimal organization. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The narrative demonstrates little evidence of an ending. Specifically, the story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ In twenty years I'll have become an imature fighting instructor. I'll have taught thousands of kids and adults. And in this story i'll tell you how I came to be.”) Events are often not clearly in order. (“ I was wrestling my unbeatable brother, geting him ready for his UFC match when I thought of a newer better way to make a timemachine. But I finished warming up my ,atheletic, brother. the only reason was because I didn't have the money, the techno, and the exact know how.”) The story minimally includes an ending. (“ I was easily second best at both. Within one month I had enough money.”)

Language Use & Style

This story demonstrates minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; also, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. For example, the lengths of the sentences are short. (“ Six hours each.15$ each.”) Exact words are missing. (“ In twenty years I'll have become an imature fighting instructor.”) Additionally, the style is not formal. (“ And in this story i'll tell you how I came to be. I'll start from when I was 20 years old wrestling my brother.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“ I was wrestling my unbeatable brother, geting him ready for his UFC match when I thought of a newer better way to make a timemachine. But I finished warming up my ,atheletic, brother. the only reason was because I didn't have the money, the techno, and the exact know how. So I started two jobs one was UFC coach assistant the other was docter assistant.I worked a full week. Six hours each.15$ each.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

What will happen 20 years is that I will get a award. The award will be about me breaking the record for longest jump rope marathon in the world. I say this when I get it '' I would like to thank every one who believed in that I could do it ''. The money I would use it for families that need money for food,clothing and shelter the rest would go to my family. that only way why my life successful.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates inadequate or no focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the plot. The story does not clearly state the main event or supporting events, and the audience for the story is unclear. (“What will happen 20 years is that I will get a award. The award will be about me breaking the record for longest jump rope marathon in the world. I say this when I get it '' I would like to thank every one who believed in that I could do it ''. The money I would use it for families that need money for food,clothing and shelter the rest would go to my family. that only way why my life successful.”)

Content & Development

This story demonstrates inadequate or no content and development. The story lacks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed, and lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. The setting is not developed in detail, dialogue is minimally developed, and the characters are not developed in detail. (“What will happen 20 years is that I will get a award. The award will be about me breaking the record for longest jump rope marathon in the world. I say this when I get it '' I would like to thank every one who believed in that I could do it ''. The money I would use it for families that need money for food,clothing and shelter the rest would go to my family. that only way why my life successful.”)

Organization

The story exhibits inadequate or no organization. The story may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The story also lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. The beginning does not include background information about the event, e vents are not clearly in order, and the story includes an inadequate ending. (“What will happen 20 years is that I will get a award. The award will be about me breaking the record for longest jump rope marathon in the world. I say this when I get it '' I would like to thank every one who believed in that I could do it ''. The money I would use it for families that need money for food,clothing and shelter the rest would go to my family. that only way why my life successful.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice. There is no a wareness of audience and there are major errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the story, exact words are missing, and the style is not formal. (“What will happen 20 years is that I will get a award. The award will be about me breaking the record for longest jump rope marathon in the world. I say this when I get it '' I would like to thank every one who believed in that I could do it ''. The money I would use it for families that need money for food,clothing and shelter the rest would go to my family. that only way why my life successful.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“What will happen 20 years is that I will get a award. The award will be about me breaking the record for longest jump rope marathon in the world. I say this when I get it '' I would like to thank every one who believed in that I could do it ''. The money I would use it for families that need money for food,clothing and shelter the rest would go to my family. that only way why my life successful.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Memorable Experience Near Water

Think about a memorable experience that you have had near a body of water, such as a lake, river, or ocean. What happened that made this experience so memorable? Write a narrative story about your experience. Be sure to include details to make the experience more vivid to your readers.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

The gentle rippling of the creek was so very soothing to all that were present at our family reunion. The lazy fish swirled by in the crystal clear water. All was tranquil and calm on the eve of the fourth of July, 2005. The day sticks out as one of the most beautiful and memorable days of my life. The reunion was not only a chance to visit family and friends, but also a time to bond with one other over all of the ecstatic entertainment and luscious, aromatic food. No other day I have experienced even comes close to topping the memories I have from July third, 2005.

It all started as we pulled up to what we refer to as "The Creek." The perpetual rippling of the lapping water reached our ears as we stepped out of our 2000 van. Other than the few people selected to prepare the cabin by the creek, we were the first to arrive at the location of our 2005 Family Reunion. Being one of the youngest families, we immediately went exploring to see what had changed since last year's reunion. Everything seemed as if it were suspended in time since the previous year. The trees around the creek were all exactly the same; even the old willow that was predicted by all to topple was still standing strong, like a landmark among the scarce vegetation.

When my siblings and I returned to the cabin and "The Creek," we found that more of our family had arrived. My great Uncle Eddy came up and offered his hand while saying, "The last time I laid eyes on you was when you were just a little lad." I felt the same way. The last time I had seen my Uncle Eddy had been six years previous. My heart swelled with pride knowing that I wasn't overlooked amongst my countless siblings and cousins. Shortly after Uncle Eddy greeted us, the Dudeck family approached, my parents with them. "Mark, do you remember Doreen Dudeck?" My mother pointed out a tall, young woman with flowing, long hair. Of course I did. I never forget a face. "Well, she's engaged!" I was never expecting this! I felt as if I had been hit across my face with a ten-pound hammer! But it was not a feeling of shock; I felt excited for her! At the time, I had never been to a wedding, and I heard they were great fun. I felt sheer bliss flow through me into the air, and I could tell she noticed. She smiled at me, and then everyone departed the area, leaving me with my thoughts. During the next hour, I was introduced and reunited with the rest of my family. It was great fun, but nothing topped what I had just heard about Doreen Dudeck. The creek was already becoming a memory etched into my heart.

Not only did I meet tons of people I haven't seen for years, I also feasted upon the luscious, aromatic food that was prepared for the occasion. My Aunt Socheat is a famous cook, and she prepared everything from Korean cuisine to good old-fashioned American hamburgers. Everything was so delicious! We had smoked chicken on a stick that tasted like heaven, grilled trout caught fresh that very morning, and countless other sides and desserts. I was very partial to the four-layer vanilla cake with strawberries dotted along the top. The food I enjoyed at the reunion topped even that of Olive Garden or Red Lobster.

After everyone was stuffed to contentment, the entertainment began. My Uncle Tom took some of my brothers and cousins out fishing, and they came back with a bucketful of fish for a second dinner! Everyone could tell they enjoyed themselves by their reveries of giant fish and fast, rushing water. My Uncle George brought a stereo and about a billion CD's! He began playing one after the other, and everyone got up and danced to the glorious rhythmic beat of every song from 1950 to 2005! Once the sun ended its long decent into the horizon and the moon crept up like a sloth climbing a tree, the fireworks began. Their fabulous colors lit up the night sky with a brilliance comparable to that of a mountain of gold. We had everything from mortars to Black Cats and even the famous Saturn Missiles. The tranquil night air was ripped apart with the enigmatic colors of the rainbow. As I looked on in wonder, I knew this would be a night I would never forget.

Once all was said and done and everyone began to leave, I was still so alive with the excitement of the day. But I knew that I would have to leave with my family. As we rode back to my grandma's house, I envisioned what next year's reunion may hold. With that, I fell asleep, dreaming of delicious food and the brilliance of a pale night sky.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The story states the main event, in this case a family reunion, very effectively. All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. There is no unnecessary information in the story and the information that is provided relates to the importance of a family reunion. (“Not only did I meet tons of people I haven't seen for years, I also feasted upon the luscious, aromatic food that was prepared for the occasion. My Aunt Socheat is a famous cook, and she prepared everything from Korean cuisine to good old-fashioned American hamburgers. Everything was so delicious!”)

Content & Development

The story has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The story creates complex characters. It clearly establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Although dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts, the author chooses to focus on narrating the action directly. Quotes are used very effectively. The story has very effective sensory detail and develops the characters and setting. (“My Uncle Tom took some of my brothers and cousins out fishing, and they came back with a bucketful of fish for a second dinner! Everyone could tell they enjoyed themselves by their reveries of giant fish and fast, rushing water. My Uncle George brought a stereo and about a billion CD's! He began playing one after the other, and everyone got up and danced to the glorious rhythmic beat of every song from 1950 to 2005!”)

Organization

The story has very effective organization. It captures readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. It has a conclusion that pulls the entire story together. The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab readers’ attention with detail by including an example of their family experience. Transitions are very effectively used to make the beginning creative or exciting. Events are clearly in order. The ending very effectively restates the value of the experience, which in this case, is a family reunion. Details, words, or phrases are used very effectively in the beginning and ending to engage the readers’ interests. (“Once all was said and done and everyone began to leave, I was still so alive with the excitement of the day. But I knew that I would have to leave with my family. As we rode back to my grandma's house, I envisioned what next year's reunion may hold. With that, I fell asleep, dreaming of delicious food and the brilliance of a pale night sky.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ Everything was so delicious! We had smoked chicken on a stick that tasted like heaven, grilled trout caught fresh that very morning, and countless other sides and desserts. I was very partial to the four-layer vanilla cake with strawberries dotted along the top. The food I enjoyed at the reunion topped even that of Olive Garden or Red Lobster.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has a very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ We had everything from mortars to Black Cats and even the famous Saturn Missiles. The tranquil night air was ripped apart with the enigmatic colors of the rainbow. As I looked on in wonder, I knew this would be a night I would never forget.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

One of my most memorable experiences near the water was the day learned to do a back flip off the diving board. I had wanted to do one ever since my dad had done one when I was five. I have wanted to perform a back flip for a long time but sadly I just haven't gotten up the courage to perform one. I keep saying that I am going to do one but every time I say that and go up to the board I suddenly remember that awful feeling of hitting the water on your stomach or worse, on your back.

Last summer I went to a youth camp with my church. Everybody knew that I could do amazing front flips and most people wanted me to do a back flip I wanted to do one to but I wasn't sure if I could. There was a high dive at the camp and every said it would be easier to do back flip from up there. In my mind, if I couldn't do one off a normal diving board there was no way I would be able to do from a platform fifteen feet above the water. It wasn't that I was scared of high places, it's just that I don't think trying something for the first time on a high dive is the wise option. Of course, I'm a teenager and we do stupid things. so in order to impress my friends I set my mind to performing that back flip, on the high dive.

Some times peer pressure is a bad thing, but sometimes it is a good thing. Right now I wasn't sure if my friends telling me to do the back flip was the good type of peer pressure or the bad type. I wanted to do one so badly but I didn't know if I could. If I tried to and messed up it was going to hurt. I tried to picture how I would do it or how I would move my body. I asked my youth group leader how he was able to do it. He told me the most important thing about doing a back flip was to believe in yourself. Apparently everybody thought I could do a back flip except for me.

About halfway through the week at the youth camp I finally decided to do a back flip off the high dive. I climbed up onto the high dive and looked down into the crystal water. It looked like I was higher than I really was. It felt like it to. I smiled and nodded at my friends on the ground and then slowly turned around so that I was facing away from the pool. I took a deep breath and then coiled my legs. I released my breath and kicked of as hard as I could. It was the most wonderful feeling, like I was soaring trough the air. That second was one of the longest moments of my life. It felt like there was nothing besides empty space and me. There were no worries, and no cares. It felt so good. I hit the cool water and splashed back into reality. Everybody was cheering wildly.

Sometimes listening to peer pressure is wrong. Some times it is the right thing to do. In this case it was the right thing to do. I believed in myself and jumped for the flip, and in the end it felt wonderful. From now on, I will have the confidence needed to do a back flip without having to second guess myself. This was defiantly a memorable experience! We went in the water and it was the first time I was able to overcome my fear of doing a crazy stunt. It was such a beautiful day! This day was awesome!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The story states the main event well. The events in the story are often consistent with the prompt. In the beginning, the author describes his or her fears of doing a back flip off a diving board well. The parts of the story relate to the main event, and details in the story focus on the main event. There is no unnecessary information. The details in the story support the topic and purpose effectively. (“In my mind, if I couldn't do one off a normal diving board there was no way I would be able to do from a platform fifteen feet above the water. It wasn't that I was scared of high places, it's just that I don't think trying something for the first time on a high dive is the wise option”)

Content & Development

The story has good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting. It creates believable characters. The story establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Some stories at this score level use dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts or to progress the plot, but this essay does not. Instead, the author uses a first-person narrative and uses details to describe his or her feelings during the main event. Details effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. The outcome/resolution is effectively described. (“There were no worries, and no cares. It felt so good. I hit the cool water and splashed back into reality. Everybody was cheering wildly. Sometimes listening to peer pressure is wrong. Some times it is the right thing to do. In this case it was the right thing to do. I believed in myself and jumped for the flip, and in the end it felt wonderful.”)

Organization

The story has good organization. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides readers with a sense of completeness. Transitions are used effectively to make the progression of events lucid, and they are clearly in order. The story includes an effective ending. The ending effectively states a lesson the main character learned about self confidence. (“ Sometimes listening to peer pressure is wrong. Some times it is the right thing to do. In this case it was the right thing to do. I believed in myself and jumped for the flip, and in the end it felt wonderful. From now on, I will have the confidence needed to do a back flip without having to second guess myself.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety . The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement. (“ If I tried to and messed up it was going to hurt. I tried to picture how I would do it or how I would move my body. I asked my youth group leader how he was able to do it. He told me the most important thing about doing a back flip was to believe in yourself. Apparently everybody thought I could do a back flip except for me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For essays at this score level, most sentences have a subject and a verb, most sentences end with a punctuation mark, most sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Some times peer pressure is a bad thing, but sometimes it is a good thing. Right now I wasn't sure if my friends telling me to do the back flip was the good type of peer pressure or the bad type. I wanted to do one so badly but I didn't know if I could. If I tried to and messed up it was going to hurt”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Water can be very entertaining and fun. Although it is fun at times it can be very dangerous. If you are a little kid or you have a little kid it is very important to keep an eye on them at all times. When I was a little kid I had to go through a bad event in the water. I was at my grandma’s house having a B.B.Q. I was 5 years old and really timid to go by the pool. I finally got the courage to go near the water and even put my feet in the pool. That was a big mistake.

I lost my footing and I slipped in the pool. Nobody noticed I slipped in the pool. After 20 seconds I almost drowned. My cousin finally noticed I fell in the pool. She jumped in and saved my life. I woke up 2 minutes later. Obviously I was soaking wet. My family explained to me what happened. I was in shock. I was coughing up water. I tried to remember what had happend. All I can remember was trying to get up to the top of the water. I was really cold and wanted to take a hot bath. I was so lucky my cousin saved me.

I was only 5 years old. When youre five years old you think that nothing bad can happen to you. Barely drowning made me realize that life can be taken away at any second. There I was just minding my own business when I slip and fall in water. I should have died but some how I felt that god had saved me. I've never thought of life that way until I fell in the water. From then on I learned that I cant fool aound when I shouldn't. Something terribly wrong can happen.

When I’m a dad I will always be cautious where and how I treat my children. I think that the mistakes you make now will teach you in the future. You learn from your mistakes. My parents were scared. They thought I wouldn’t wake up. When I woke up the first person to comfort me was of course my mom. She cares for me more than anyone cares for me. If you were a mom and your kid almost drowned wouldn't you be worried? Well, my mom was scard to death. I had to go to the hospital. They didn’t do much. They just made me throw up all the water that I swallowed.

I was also very happy I wasn't harmed. I could have been. After the incident, my mom took me to swimming classes. From then on I loved going in the water. I experienced a horrific, dangerous time in my life and learned a lot from it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the story. The story states the main event adequately. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are adequate. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are adequately developed. What happened before the main event is stated. Considering the main event involves the main character, the author’s details about secondary characters, such as parents, are adequate. (“You learn from your mistakes. My parents were scared. They thought I wouldn’t wake up. When I woke up the first person to comfort me was of course my mom. She cares for me more than anyone cares for me.”)

Content & Development

The story has adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The story creates believable characters and establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Its dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Adequate detail is used to develop the main events. Although some stories at this level may use dialogue, this story does not. However, the story does not suffer from this deficit since there is adequate detail about the events, which are used to adequately describe the story’s problem and solution. (“I was also very happy I wasn't harmed. I could have been. After the incident, my mom took me to swimming classes. From then on I loved going in the water.”)

Organization

The story has adequate organization. It provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Events are clearly in order. The author provides an adequate beginning, middle, and conclusion to the story’s events. It also provides a lesson toward the end. (“ When I’m a dad I will always be cautious where and how I treat my children. I think that the mistakes you make now will teach you in the future. You learn from your mistakes. My parents were scared. They thought I wouldn’t wake up.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied but are short in some instances. Although the author has a strong grasp of language and usage, word choice may be poor or repetitious at times. (“ I lost my footing and I slipped in the pool. Nobody noticed I slipped in the pool. After 20 seconds I almost drowned. My cousin finally noticed I fell in the pool. She jumped in and saved my life. I woke up 2 minutes later. Obviously I was soaking wet.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. There are occasional errors in capitalization of proper names and contraction usage. (“ I was only 5 years old. When youre five years old you think that nothing bad can happen to you. Barely drowning made me realize that life can be taken away at any second. There I was just minding my own business when I slip and fall in water. I should have died but some how I felt that god had saved me.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

My memorable experience of water is when I had a vacation at Kaiulua-Kona , Hawaii . I went to the Pacific Ocean on a Monday morning, seven in the morning. It was the day I was waiting for. The, cool breeze surrounded me while I heard crashes of the waves, boom, against the shore. Water dances with the air and for me they make a great sight. Mariine mammals glide through clear blue water. I will never forget the day I took a swim at Hawaii when I went to the Pacific Ocean .

While rising out of bed, the rays of the sun blinded me with the beautiful horizon of the ocean and the land. We dressed into our swimming suits because were goung to go scuba-diving on the Pacific Ocean with fishes. We dashed to the shore for our boat that is going too take us to the best part of the ocean that is safe without sharks or any other predators. We reached the clear, sparkling, blue water crashing to our boat. It felt like swimming inside the arctic ocean because my whole body shivered when I approached the freezing water. On my wrist, there was a water camera, splashing while I was gliding through the ocean. Twelve afternoon approached and I was helping myself to a sandwich with wheat bread, juicy ripe tomato, the fresh taste of pastrami, and grilled cheese. Patiently, I stayed at the boat before I went back into the water. I splashed back in and the water made my body quivering for five minutes. The captain announced we will come into the boat in thirty minutes. I layed on a towel, while the sun was trying to dry me and give a sunburn.

I will never forget that nature moment. While I take showers, I still feel the salty, freezing water surrounding me just like the Pacific Ocean did to me at Hawaii .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. The story states the main event. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated limitedly. The author does not attempt to be creative in the opening sentence. Details about the main events are vivid, but there are few of them. There are few characters and no dialogue. (“ While rising out of bed, the rays of the sun blinded me with the beautiful horizon of the ocean and the land. We dressed into our swimming suits because were goung to go scuba-diving on the Pacific Ocean with fishes.”)

Content & Development

The story has limited content and development. It provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. The tension, conflict, or problem may be stated, but it is not developed. It has some dialogue that may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Although an attempt is made to provide detail in the story, the amount of content is limited. What happened before, during, and after the event is also limited. (“I will never forget that nature moment. While I take showers, I still feel the salty, freezing water surrounding me just like the Pacific Ocean did to me at Hawaii .”)

Organization

The story has limited organization. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Its transitions may be weak. It provides readers with some sense of closure. Transitions linking the paragraphs are used, but could be more creative. The story includes a limited introduction and ending. Although not all stories at this score level provide proper paragraphing, this essay does attempt to separate the essay into an introduction, body, and conclusion. The body could be broken into additional paragraphs, however, for additional clarity. (“ We reached the clear, sparkling, blue water crashing to our boat. It felt like swimming inside the arctic ocean because my whole body shivered when I approached the freezing water. On my wrist, there was a water camera, splashing while I was gliding through the ocean. Twelve afternoon approached and I was helping myself to a sandwich with wheat bread, juicy ripe tomato, the fresh taste of pastrami, and grilled cheese. Patiently, I stayed at the boat before I went back into the water.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The essay does attempt to provide some detail about what happened during the trip, but short sentences detract from the overall quality of the story. There is also a tendency to repeat certain words in a short span of text. (“ I splashed back in and the water made my body quivering for five minutes. The captain announced we will come into the boat in thirty minutes. I layed on a towel, while the sun was trying to dry me and give a sunburn.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The story should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. This story does attempt to provide paragraph breaks, but spelling, word choice, and other grammatical errors inhibit the story’s effectiveness. (“Water dances with the air and for me they make a great sight. Mariine mammals glide through clear blue water. I will never forget the day I took a swim at Hawaii when I went to the Pacific Ocean .”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

One bright morning me and my grandma took a drive to San Diego.When we got there we went to the beach.We went on my uncles boat it was so awesome,his boat was very nice well it was new.

When we all got out in to the ocean we got out the fishing rods and went fishing.That day we didn't catch any fish.Me and my grandma slept on the boat.The next mourning we woke up early and went for a ride in the boat When we went out far in the ocean we started to fish.My uncle caught fish,so did my grandma the each caught 3 fish.I must of had bad luck because I haven't caught any fish that day was kind of sad.The next day we went ot again to go fishing this time I caught a big fish i mean this fish was huge,huge it was so big my uncle had to help me.I was so excited but i did

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story. Although it becomes clear by the end of the story, the main event is not stated until the end. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“ We went on my uncles boat it was so awesome,his boat was very nice well it was new.”)

Content & Development

The story has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative does include details about the story’s main event, but it lacks detail. It also lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. No dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Furthermore, the setting is only minimally discussed and there is little information about what happened before or after the event. (“The next day we went ot again to go fishing this time I caught a big fish i mean this fish was huge,huge it was so big my uncle had to help me.I was so excited but i did”)

Organization

The story has minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. It demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion. The beginning isn’t creative. There is little attempt to transition between ideas. Most stories at this level are usually told in a clear order. Events that happen at the beginning and end of the story are only minimally connected. (“huge it was so big my uncle had to help me.I was so excited but i did”)

Language Use & Style

The story has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. It also makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay has run-on sentences, is occasionally repetitious, and is often informal. This story and other stories at this level often do not use language that effectively communicates what is happening, although it is understandable. (“The next mourning we woke up early and went for a ride in the boat When we went out far in the ocean we started to fish.My uncle caught fish,so did my grandma the each caught 3 fish.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The story has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. Spacing in between sentences is often incorrect. There are repeated words. The story does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“The next day we went ot again to go fishing this time I caught a big fish i mean this fish was huge,huge it was so big my uncle had to help me.I was so excited but i did”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

when I was in the car heading to the beach with my family. But when we were in the freeway the car got a flat tire my mom got scared when we got the flat tire.We were in the freeway for a long time but then we got the spare tire.Finally we got to the beach.But when we step the sand we did not step the sand we step garbege.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The story’s main event isn’t clear and many of the other events are not immediately relatable. The purpose of the story is not stated. (“But when we were in the freeway the car got a flat tire my mom got scared when we got the flat tire.We were in the freeway for a long time but then we got the spare tire.Finally we got to the beach.”)

Content & Development

The story has inadequate or no content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The characters are introduced but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. Detail used to describe the events is inadequate. The setting is not developed other than saying it is the “beach” or the “freeway.” Stories at this level may or may not have characters or dialogue. In this case, the story provides only one discernable character, which is the mother, and there is no dialogue. (“when I was in the car heading to the beach with my family. But when we were in the freeway the car got a flat tire my mom got scared when we got the flat tire.”)

Organization

The story has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. There is no introduction or concluding paragraph. The story does not attempt to be creative or teach readers a lesson. Essays at this level may or may not be in order. This essay is in order, but events are not connected otherwise. (“ We were in the freeway for a long time but then we got the spare tire.Finally we got to the beach.But when we step the sand we did not step the sand we step garbege.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. T ransitions are needed. The style is not formal. The story is also repetitious at times. (“ when I was in the car heading to the beach with my family. But when we were in the freeway the car got a flat tire my mom got scared when we got the flat tire.We were in the freeway for a long time but then we got the spare tire.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has e rrors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The story does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“ when I was in the car heading to the beach with my family. But when we were in the freeway the car got a flat tire my mom got scared when we got the flat tire.We were in the freeway for a long time but then we got the spare tire.”)

Animal for a Day

Most people find animals interesting. Imagine you could be your favorite animal for a day. Write a story about what you would do if you were that animal for a day.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The sky resembled the baby blue of a human infant's "blanky." Not a cloud could be seen in the sky. Lone trees sparsely populated the endlessly green pasture. I stepped out of the dark stall, taking a deep breath from my leathery nose. The scent of fresh grass and cattle feces were melded into one overwhelming yet pleasant smell. My fellow bulls were being released along with me, and we all stampeded into a day of freedom. The poor grass was trampled under a mass of variously colored hooves. I moved purposefully across the pasture, glaring at those who dared stand in my path. I was the Bull of the herd; the alpha-male! The horns on my magnificent head could only be the dreams of the ambitious yet lame young bulls. The piteous females and immature calves cringed when I traipsed by them. One foolish young bull happened to step right in front of me. It took a couple seconds for him to realize his mistake, as I had stopped to let my anger concentrate. The half-wit then gazed up into my burning eyes. I then let out a deafening roar of rage, which could have sent the three-hundred Spartans packing. The numskull raced out of the way, allowing me to continue.

My gait literally oozed conceitedness and power. I traipsed on, with my tail flicking up jauntily. Those who dared interrupt my daily routine of making my way toward the greenest patch of the meadow were looked upon as the dregs of the entire herd. I arrogantly moved on, despite these obstructions; I ignored them not because I was afraid, but because I considered them unworthy of my attention.

I continued on my course, observing my surroundings. Some of the females were being led to the barn to be milked. Posses of cattle consumed the grass in several spots, making the green plants disappear with the rapidity associated with the arrival of a drought. The younger males, who were attempting to live up to their gender expectations, pushed around the timid calves. The females stayed together, hoping to protect themselves from my wrath. As I gazed on, a gust of wind sent ripples sweeping through the pasture. Many who were currently ripping grass out of the ground balked in protest as the green stuff was ripped from their mouths. They did not have the same dignity that I had, to remain silent while eating. I snorted at their indecency.

I finally arrived at my personal grove of untouched grass. It sat next to the stream that ran on the very edge of the farmland. It was noticeably the greenest part of the entire pasture; none dared to lay a hoof upon the land, or otherwise face the wrath of the head bull. I favored it because it was diverse. The stream served as my daily water source, while the grass was my food supply. The patch of grass was able to regroup itself quickly, as there was only one consuming it. The small bit of pasture lay in the shade of a rare apple tree. The occasional ripe fruit would seasonally fall beneath the shadows of the tree, leaving a perfect and prepared treat for me. I cherished it more than the calves that were supposedly my children.

I settled down into the cool grass, letting out a grunt of contentment. Regarding the food with a look of longing, I lowered my head and clamped my teeth into it. The sweet juices enveloped my tongue, and I tore the grass out of the ground. I chewed with my jaw moving in a circular route, while my eyes stared blissfully out across the pasture. Relaxation reigned supreme, and it completely blanketed the land. Now that I had settled down, the others no longer considered me a major threat. They cautiously began to break up from their circles, keeping a wary eye up in case I changed my mind about food and rest. Females spread out further, often flanked by a nervous calf. However, none moved in the direction of my little patch, careful to avert my displays of displeasure. Young bulls moved along my designated "border," eager to pick up tips. Were they trying to learn my eating style? Or the way I lay on the grass? Or even the way I....

I quickly snapped out of my reverie. Why should I have been listening to them? They were completely out of my league, and therefore did not deserve a slightest ounce of my attention. After reprimanding myself, I looked back out. The land had suddenly become overcome by a shadow. I gazed up, and then realized the sun's pleasantly warm rays had been stifled by a lone, sultry cloud. My curious gaze turned into shrewdness then into a sense of irritation. Had I given the mass of moisture permission to rid me of the warmth? I grunted in annoyance, too put off by the cloud's actions. It was as if I was trying to moo it into submission. However, the grey mass just stared insolently back at me. Furious, I arose from my spot, and began to roar angrily at the cloud. It had provoked me not once, but twice. First, it had smothered the sun, and then it had not moved when I willed it too. This was all too much for me. I started to stampede in small circles, hoping to scare the cloud away. Only then did I realize what I was doing. The other cows were staring at me uncertainly; they thought I was off my rocker. Flustered, I returned to the shade of the tree, and lay down. I thought to myself, such a fool you are, running around in circles because of a stupid cloud.

I sat there with my head on my hooves, too embarrassed to look at the cows. I silently agreed that I would not do anything that would make me look like a newborn calf the next day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases his/her experiences as an animal for the day.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the narrative, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen in the story. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are right there in the meadow alongside all the other frightened animals. (“My gait literally oozed conceitedness and power. I traipsed on, with my tail flicking up jauntily. Those who dared interrupt my daily routine of making my way toward the greenest patch of the meadow were looked upon as the dregs of the entire herd. I arrogantly moved on, despite these obstructions; I ignored them not because I was afraid, but because I considered them unworthy of my attention.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in the meadow with vivid imagery and voice. (“I finally arrived at my personal grove of untouched grass. It sat next to the stream that ran on the very edge of the farmland. It was noticeably the greenest part of the entire pasture; none dared to lay a hoof upon the land, or otherwise face the wrath of the head bull. I favored it because it was diverse. The stream served as my daily water source, while the grass was my food supply. The patch of grass was able to regroup itself quickly, as there was only one consuming it. The small bit of pasture lay in the shade of a rare apple tree. The occasional ripe fruit would seasonally fall beneath the shadows of the tree, leaving a perfect and prepared treat for me. I cherished it more than the calves that were supposedly my children.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the experience of being a bull for the day. (“My curious gaze turned into shrewdness then into a sense of irritation. Had I given the mass of moisture permission to rid me of the warmth? I grunted in annoyance, too put off by the cloud's actions. It was as if I was trying to moo it into submission. However, the grey mass just stared insolently back at me. Furious, I arose from my spot, and began to roar angrily at the cloud. It had provoked me not once, but twice. First, it had smothered the sun, and then it had not moved when I willed it too. This was all too much for me. I started to stampede in small circles, hoping to scare the cloud away. Only then did I realize what I was doing. The other cows were staring at me uncertainly; they thought I was off my rocker. Flustered, I returned to the shade of the tree, and lay down. I thought to myself, such a fool you are, running around in circles because of a stupid cloud.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the ultimate embarrassment experienced by the bull and his/her experiences as an animal for the day. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes other animals that fear the enormously confident and arrogant bull. (“The piteous females and immature calves cringed when I traipsed by them. One foolish young bull happened to step right in front of me. It took a couple seconds for him to realize his mistake, as I had stopped to let my anger concentrate. The half-wit then gazed up into my burning eyes. I then let out a deafening roar of rage, which could have sent the three-hundred Spartans packing. The numskull raced out of the way, allowing me to continue.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. (“I finally arrived at my personal grove of untouched grass. It sat next to the stream that ran on the very edge of the farmland. It was noticeably the greenest part of the entire pasture; none dared to lay a hoof upon the land, or otherwise face the wrath of the head bull. I favored it because it was diverse. The stream served as my daily water source, while the grass was my food supply. The patch of grass was able to regroup itself quickly, as there was only one consuming it. The small bit of pasture lay in the shade of a rare apple tree. The occasional ripe fruit would seasonally fall beneath the shadows of the tree, leaving a perfect and prepared treat for me.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the bull’s arrogant belief that he could make a cloud depart at his command. (“The land had suddenly become overcome by a shadow. I gazed up, and then realized the sun's pleasantly warm rays had been stifled by a lone, sultry cloud. My curious gaze turned into shrewdness then into a sense of irritation. Had I given the mass of moisture permission to rid me of the warmth? I grunted in annoyance, too put off by the cloud's actions. It was as if I was trying to moo it into submission. However, the grey mass just stared insolently back at me. Furious, I arose from my spot, and began to roar angrily at the cloud. It had provoked me not once, but twice. First, it had smothered the sun, and then it had not moved when I willed it too. This was all too much for me. I started to stampede in small circles, hoping to scare the cloud away.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing an engaging opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a scenic day in the pasture as the main character is introduced to readers. (“The sky resembled the baby blue of a human infant's ‘blanky.’ Not a cloud could be seen in the sky. Lone trees sparsely populated the endlessly green pasture. I stepped out of the dark stall, taking a deep breath from my leathery nose. The scent of fresh grass and cattle feces were melded into one overwhelming yet pleasant smell. My fellow bulls were being released along with me, and we all stampeded into a day of freedom. The poor grass was trampled under a mass of variously colored hooves. I moved purposefully across the pasture, glaring at those who dared stand in my path. I was the Bull of the herd; the alpha-male!”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“I finally arrived at my personal grove of untouched grass. It sat next to the stream that ran on the very edge of the farmland. It was noticeably the greenest part of the entire pasture; none dared to lay a hoof upon the land, or otherwise face the wrath of the head bull. I favored it because it was diverse. The stream served as my daily water source, while the grass was my food supply. The patch of grass was able to regroup itself quickly, as there was only one consuming it.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the embarrassment felt by the main character as the story draws to a humorous close. (“This was all too much for me. I started to stampede in small circles, hoping to scare the cloud away. Only then did I realize what I was doing. The other cows were staring at me uncertainly; they thought I was off my rocker. Flustered, I returned to the shade of the tree, and lay down. I thought to myself, such a fool you are, running around in circles because of a stupid cloud. I sat there with my head on my hooves, too embarrassed to look at the cows. I silently agreed that I would not do anything that would make me look like a newborn calf the next day.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the narrative. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences as an animal for the day. (“ I stepped out of the dark stall, taking a deep breath from my leathery nose. The scent of fresh grass and cattle feces were melded into one overwhelming yet pleasant smell. My fellow bulls were being released along with me, and we all stampeded into a day of freedom. The poor grass was trampled under a mass of variously colored hooves. I moved purposefully across the pasture, glaring at those who dared stand in my path. I was the Bull of the herd; the alpha-male!”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ I continued on my course, observing my surroundings. Some of the females were being led to the barn to be milked. Posses of cattle consumed the grass in several spots, making the green plants disappear with the rapidity associated with the arrival of a drought. The younger males, who were attempting to live up to their gender expectations, pushed around the timid calves. The females stayed together, hoping to protect themselves from my wrath. As I gazed on, a gust of wind sent ripples sweeping through the pasture. Many who were currently ripping grass out of the ground balked in protest as the green stuff was ripped from their mouths. They did not have the same dignity that I had, to remain silent while eating. I snorted at their indecency.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the main character’s arrogance and sense of superiority throughout the story. (“ I quickly snapped out of my reverie. Why should I have been listening to them? They were completely out of my league, and therefore did not deserve a slightest ounce of my attention. After reprimanding myself, I looked back out. The land had suddenly become overcome by a shadow. I gazed up, and then realized the sun's pleasantly warm rays had been stifled by a lone, sultry cloud. My curious gaze turned into shrewdness then into a sense of irritation. Had I given the mass of moisture permission to rid me of the warmth? I grunted in annoyance, too put off by the cloud's actions. It was as if I was trying to moo it into submission.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. ( “I grunted in annoyance, too put off by the cloud's actions. It was as if I was trying to moo it into submission. However, the grey mass just stared insolently back at me. Furious, I arose from my spot, and began to roar angrily at the cloud. It had provoked me not once, but twice.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

If I were an animal for a day, I would choose to be a dog. Not just any dog however, but a Golden Retriever. The Golden Retriever is the fourth most popular dog in the United States of America and is loved because of its personality. The Golden Retriever is bred to swim and retrieve items (tennis balls, Frisbees, sticks, etc.) thrown by its owner, which is very similar to me, because I love to swim, run and play with my friends outdoors. Also, the Golden Retriever has a friendly, brave, loyal, helpful and confident type of attitude which also compliments me. They like to associate and be friendly with others but also help others who are blind, and show courage by being search and rescue dogs. I would really enjoy being a Golden Retriever for a day!

I am a Golden Retriever and my name is Garin. I currently live in Honolulu, Hawaii with my owner; we live in a spacious house with a backyard situated at the foot of Diamond Head. My owner is extremely kind and outgoing and he makes a living as a doctor at the Queens Medical Center. Due to his success at being such a great doctor, he gets home at night. In the morning, I wake up at about 8:00 in the morning to eat breakfast. He leaves for work at about 6:00 am, so he leaves me a bowl of "Beneful" dog food. To wake up, I take a light jog around the block for about an hour by sneaking out through the backyard under the fence. When I come home, I drink from my water bowl located in the kitchen. From here, I either take a 3 hour nap or do some more exercises by running up and down the 2 flights of stairs from the basement to the second floor of the house. I rarely take long naps; only if I am up late at night or just feel lazy, which the majority of the time I am not. The afternoon part of my day though, is the part I look forward to the most.

At about 12:00 pm, I like to prank the mailman. He usually comes around this time and when he does, I wait patiently at the door, listening for the footsteps. When he comes close enough, I bark as loud as I can for about 10 seconds straight. The reactions are always different depending on who the mailman is for the day, which is why it is so fun to prank them. Today was a man, and he went screaming back to his truck as soon as I made my first bark. Of course, after he left, I picked up the mail. My worst reaction would have to have been this young lady about 1 month ago, who ran away screaming back to her truck and drove away as fast as she could, but she left her entire mailbag at the doorstep! She didn't realize she left it there until about 2 hours later, when she came back to pick it up. Everyday, I have a good laugh.

At about 12:30 pm, I like to take a swim in the backyard pool and dig holes in the backyard, thinking I will find treasure, but all I find are my old bones, a couple coins, and garbage. When it is about 3:00 pm, I escape through the bottom of the fence and I run down to the dog park located about a block away to visit my dog friends. Every day there is always another dog there, and it is especially crowded on the weekends. I don't get to see the same dogs everyday , but I always get to meet someone new, which is always great. The other dog owners like to throw Frisbees, balls, and other objects for us to fetch. This is the most relaxing part of the day for me.

At about 7:00 pm, I get home from the dog park to wash myself off in the pool. At 8:00 pm, my owner gets home from work. For dinner, he usually feeds me another bowl of "Beneful" dog food. While I wait for him to finish eating his dinner, I like to chew on my bone to give me something to do. When he finishes eating, he goes to watch T.V. at 9:00, and goes to bed at about 10:00 pm. I always enjoy watching with him, although, I cannot understand the language. I like the colorful moving images. Every night I try to understand a little bit more, but it is so nerve wracking. When it is time to go to sleep, I go down to the basement to sit on my comfortable mattress. As I fall asleep listening to the driving cars outside, I wish everyday of my life could be like today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on events occurring throughout his/her day as a dog. (“At about 7:00 pm, I get home from the dog park to wash myself off in the pool. At 8:00 pm, my owner gets home from work. For dinner, he usually feeds me another bowl of ‘Beneful’ dog food. While I wait for him to finish eating his dinner, I like to chew on my bone to give me something to do. When he finishes eating, he goes to watch T.V. at 9:00, and goes to bed at about 10:00 pm. I always enjoy watching with him, although, I cannot understand the language.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“From here, I either take a 3 hour nap or do some more exercises by running up and down the 2 flights of stairs from the basement to the second floor of the house. I rarely take long naps; only if I am up late at night or just feel lazy, which the majority of the time I am not. The afternoon part of my day though, is the part I look forward to the most.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides a timeline of activities experienced throughout the day as a golden retriever. (“At about 12:00 pm, I like to prank the mailman. He usually comes around this time and when he does, I wait patiently at the door, listening for the footsteps. When he comes close enough, I bark as loud as I can for about 10 seconds straight. The reactions are always different depending on who the mailman is for the day, which is why it is so fun to prank them. Today was a man, and he went screaming back to his truck as soon as I made my first bark. Of course, after he left, I picked up the mail.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides an organized plot and identifiable setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences he/she has as a golden retriever for the day. (“At about 12:00 pm, I like to prank the mailman. He usually comes around this time and when he does, I wait patiently at the door, listening for the footsteps. When he comes close enough, I bark as loud as I can for about 10 seconds straight. The reactions are always different depending on who the mailman is for the day, which is why it is so fun to prank them. Today was a man, and he went screaming back to his truck as soon as I made my first bark. Of course, after he left, I picked up the mail. My worst reaction would have to have been this young lady about 1 month ago, who ran away screaming back to her truck and drove away as fast as she could, but she left her entire mailbag at the doorstep! She didn't realize she left it there until about 2 hours later, when she came back to pick it up. Everyday, I have a good laugh.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ I am a Golden Retriever and my name is Garin. I currently live in Honolulu, Hawaii with my owner; we live in a spacious house with a backyard situated at the foot of Diamond Head. My owner is extremely kind and outgoing and he makes a living as a doctor at the Queens Medical Center. Due to his success at being such a great doctor, he gets home at night. In the morning, I wake up at about 8:00 in the morning to eat breakfast. He leaves for work at about 6:00 am, so he leaves me a bowl of ‘Beneful’ dog food. To wake up, I take a light jog around the block for about an hour by sneaking out through the backyard under the fence. When I come home, I drink from my water bowl located in the kitchen. From here, I either take a 3 hour nap or do some more exercises by running up and down the 2 flights of stairs from the basement to the second floor of the house.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“At about 12:30 pm, I like to take a swim in the backyard pool and dig holes in the backyard, thinking I will find treasure, but all I find are my old bones, a couple coins, and garbage. When it is about 3:00 pm, I escape through the bottom of the fence and I run down to the dog park located about a block away to visit my dog friends. Every day there is always another dog there, and it is especially crowded on the weekends. I don't get to see the same dogs everyday , but I always get to meet someone new, which is always great. The other dog owners like to throw Frisbees, balls, and other objects for us to fetch. This is the most relaxing part of the day for me.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story entices readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning of the story serves to capture readers’ attention. (“ If I were an animal for a day, I would choose to be a dog. Not just any dog however, but a Golden Retriever. The Golden Retriever is the fourth most popular dog in the United States of America and is loved because of its personality. The Golden Retriever is bred to swim and retrieve items [tennis balls, Frisbees, sticks, etc.] thrown by its owner, which is very similar to me, because I love to swim, run and play with my friends outdoors. Also, the Golden Retriever has a friendly, brave, loyal, helpful and confident type of attitude which also compliments me. They like to associate and be friendly with others but also help others who are blind, and show courage by being search and rescue dogs. I would really enjoy being a Golden Retriever for a day!”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer uses a timeline to indicate different portions of the day. The writer should attempt to incorporate more varied transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ At about 12:30 pm, I like to take a swim in the backyard pool and dig holes in the backyard, thinking I will find treasure, but all I find are my old bones, a couple coins, and garbage. When it is about 3:00 pm, I escape through the bottom of the fence and I run down to the dog park located about a block away to visit my dog friends.”)

The story includes an ending that gives readers a sense of closure. (“ When it is time to go to sleep, I go down to the basement to sit on my comfortable mattress. As I fall asleep listening to the driving cars outside, I wish everyday of my life could be like today.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The Golden Retriever is bred to swim and retrieve items [tennis balls, Frisbees, sticks, etc.] thrown by its owner, which is very similar to me, because I love to swim, run and play with my friends outdoors. Also, the Golden Retriever has a friendly, brave, loyal, helpful and confident type of attitude which also compliments me. They like to associate and be friendly with others but also help others who are blind, and show courage by being search and rescue dogs. I would really enjoy being a Golden Retriever for a day!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ At about 12:30 pm, I like to take a swim in the backyard pool and dig holes in the backyard, thinking I will find treasure, but all I find are my old bones, a couple coins, and garbage. When it is about 3:00 pm, I escape through the bottom of the fence and I run down to the dog park located about a block away to visit my dog friends. Every day there is always another dog there, and it is especially crowded on the weekends. I don't get to see the same dogs everyday , but I always get to meet someone new, which is always great. The other dog owners like to throw Frisbees, balls, and other objects for us to fetch. This is the most relaxing part of the day for me.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the experiences of a golden retriever for the day. (“ At about 7:00 pm, I get home from the dog park to wash myself off in the pool. At 8:00 pm, my owner gets home from work. For dinner, he usually feeds me another bowl of ‘Beneful’ dog food. While I wait for him to finish eating his dinner, I like to chew on my bone to give me something to do. When he finishes eating, he goes to watch T.V. at 9:00, and goes to bed at about 10:00 pm. I always enjoy watching with him, although, I cannot understand the language. I like the colorful moving images. Every night I try to understand a little bit more, but it is so nerve wracking.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the story. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ When he comes close enough, I bark as loud as I can for about 10 seconds straight. The reactions are always different depending on who the mailman is for the day, which is why it is so fun to prank them. Today was a man, and he went screaming back to his truck as soon as I made my first bark. Of course, after he left, I picked up the mail.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was a Friday afternoon in the castle, and I was resting in my bed. I started feeling drowsy so I dozed off in a deep sleep.

When I woke up I had the feeling that I was hungry for cheese. I started to get up, but something was getting in my way. I looked down at my feet and they were covered in mouse fur!

I rolled over onto four fur covered legs. It was really fascinating, so I did not scream for help. I ran down my bed post, and down the hall. I entered the kitchen where, on the table, I saw a big slice of white, Mozzarella cheese. It smelled so good I just had to get a bite of it.

I scurried up the mahogany table leg. The cheese was right in front of me, I could smell the cheesy aroma of it. I reached out to grabbed it, and then someone let out a scream, "AAAAAAAAAA, you filthy mouse!"

A carving knife, held by Joy the cook, came out of nowhere. It barely missed my tail as I grabbed a piece of cheese. I ran across the redwood table top and onto Destiny, the bloodhound. She howled in surprise, and tried to snap at me. I scurried into a hole in the brick.

A small, ginger colored mouse was huddled in a very dingy corner."Hello?" I called.

"H-Hello." she said in a small voice.

"What is your name?"I asked.

"Ch-Cherish."

"Hi Cherish."

"H-Hi."

"'Do you want some cheese?"

"S-Sure."

We sat there eating cheese and talking until it got dark in the castle."Bye “I said.

"Bye."

I left Cherish the rest of my cheese, and went to go explore. I went across the hall and down the staircase to the left. I went into my dad's study, and crawled up his dusty, redwood table leg and onto the brown table top. I climbed a stack of parchment, and looked up at my snoring dad."Dad “I called, “wake up!"

"Who is that?"he said, still half asleep.

"Dad, it’s me!" I called up at him.

"Where is that squeaking coming from?” He asked.

Of course, I just had to be a mouse that can't be heard.

"Oh hello little mouse,” he said "what are you doing here? You know you remind me a lot of my daughter Miranda."

"I am your daughter!"

"Are you trying to tell me something, because I can't here you?"

I finally gave up, and went out to the hall and into my bed room where I fell asleep. When I woke up I was a princess again, and whenever I told my story to anyone they would never believe me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“It was a Friday afternoon in the castle, and I was resting in my bed. I started feeling drowsy so I dozed off in a deep sleep. When I woke up I had the feeling that I was hungry for cheese. I started to get up, but something was getting in my way. I looked down at my feet and they were covered in mouse fur! I rolled over onto four fur covered legs. It was really fascinating, so I did not scream for help. I ran down my bed post, and down the hall. I entered the kitchen where, on the table, I saw a big slice of white, Mozzarella cheese. It smelled so good I just had to get a bite of it.”)

The writer focuses on the main event of being a mouse for a day throughout the story. (“I left Cherish the rest of my cheese, and went to go explore. I went across the hall and down the staircase to the left. I went into my dad's study, and crawled up his dusty, redwood table leg and onto the brown table top. I climbed a stack of parchment, and looked up at my snoring dad. ’Dad ‘I called, ‘wake up!’ ‘Who is that?’ he said, still half asleep. ‘Dad, it’s me!’ I called up at him. ‘Where is that squeaking coming from?’ He asked. Of course, I just had to be a mouse that can't be heard.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“I scurried up the mahogany table leg. The cheese was right in front of me, I could smell the cheesy aroma of it. I reached out to grabbed it, and then someone let out a scream, ‘AAAAAAAAAA, you filthy mouse!’ A carving knife, held by Joy the cook, came out of nowhere. It barely missed my tail as I grabbed a piece of cheese. I ran across the redwood table top and onto Destiny, the bloodhound. She howled in surprise, and tried to snap at me. I scurried into a hole in the brick. A small, ginger colored mouse was huddled in a very dingy corner. ’Hello?’ I called. ‘H-Hello.’ she said in a small voice. ‘What is your name?’I asked.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer adequately shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“‘Where is that squeaking coming from?’ He asked. Of course, I just had to be a mouse that can't be heard. ‘Oh hello little mouse,’ he said ‘what are you doing here? You know you remind me a lot of my daughter Miranda.’ ‘I am your daughter!’ ‘Are you trying to tell me something, because I can't here you?’”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“I rolled over onto four fur covered legs. It was really fascinating, so I did not scream for help. I ran down my bed post, and down the hall. I entered the kitchen where, on the table, I saw a big slice of white, Mozzarella cheese. It smelled so good I just had to get a bite of it. I scurried up the mahogany table leg. The cheese was right in front of me, I could smell the cheesy aroma of it. I reached out to grabbed it, and then someone let out a scream, ‘AAAAAAAAAA, you filthy mouse!’”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the cook chases the mouse with a carving knife. (“A carving knife, held by Joy the cook, came out of nowhere. It barely missed my tail as I grabbed a piece of cheese. I ran across the redwood table top and onto Destiny, the bloodhound. She howled in surprise, and tried to snap at me. I scurried into a hole in the brick.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the narrative. The writer provides an adequate opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending is adequate and gives readers a sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the moment the writer discovers she is a mouse. (“ It was a Friday afternoon in the castle, and I was resting in my bed. I started feeling drowsy so I dozed off in a deep sleep. When I woke up I had the feeling that I was hungry for cheese. I started to get up, but something was getting in my way. I looked down at my feet and they were covered in mouse fur!”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“I left Cherish the rest of my cheese, and went to go explore. I went across the hall and down the staircase to the left. I went into my dad's study, and crawled up his dusty, redwood table leg and onto the brown table top. I climbed a stack of parchment, and looked up at my snoring dad. ’Dad ‘I called, ‘wake up!’ ‘Who is that?’ he said, still half asleep. ‘Dad, it’s me!’ I called up at him. ‘Where is that squeaking coming from?’ He asked.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end but gives readers a small sense of closure. (“ I finally gave up, and went out to the hall and into my bed room where I fell asleep. When I woke up I was a princess again, and whenever I told my story to anyone they would never believe me.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The story generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ A carving knife, held by Joy the cook, came out of nowhere. It barely missed my tail as I grabbed a piece of cheese. I ran across the redwood table top and onto Destiny, the bloodhound. She howled in surprise, and tried to snap at me. I scurried into a hole in the brick.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes the experiences she has as a mouse for a day. (“ I rolled over onto four fur covered legs. It was really fascinating, so I did not scream for help. I ran down my bed post, and down the hall. I entered the kitchen where, on the table, I saw a big slice of white, Mozzarella cheese. It smelled so good I just had to get a bite of it.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ I scurried up the mahogany table leg. The cheese was right in front of me, I could smell the cheesy aroma of it. I reached out to grabbed it, and then someone let out a scream, ‘AAAAAAAAAA, you filthy mouse!’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ I left Cherish the rest of my cheese, and went to go explore. I went across the hall and down the staircase to the left. I went into my dad's study, and crawled up his dusty, redwood table leg and onto the brown table top. I climbed a stack of parchment, and looked up at my snoring dad. ’Dad ‘I called, ‘wake up!’”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

If I where an animal for one day I would be a dog I would love to be able to smell ten times better than a human walk on four legs, and be able to have fun. I could play fetch and run and run like my life depended on it but it doesn't and bark at the doorbell, bite a mail man, chase a car and chase my tail I would really like to know if I would see in black and white.

I would love to do all of those things but after work I am tired I never said what type of dog I would like to be did I I would love to be a German Shepard I would be a police dog fighting crime scaring the bad guys when the humans can't do it. That is not all would I do, I would sniff out the drugs, bombs and anything that could potently harm or kill animals and people. I would have Sharp teeth that dig into the bad guy, and strong jaws that lock on to the bad guy and never let go. I would have a big bark, and I wouldn't be a sissy dog I would be both bark and bite I would have dark fur so at night the bad guys can't see me coming and the next thing they know I have my teeth in their fleshy bottom I could run for miles without stopping, and smell the fear driping from the bad guy I could hear the sweet fall to the ground and smell the fear in their breath just knowing their afraid is the best feeling ever. They can't hide from a dog like me I could here, smell and taste the fear and it's delicius.

After a long days work I would get one treat for every bad guy I cought. Then I would get a belly rub and watch my self catch the bad guys on Animal Planet where its all about animals I would eat dinner in my own little dog house and have a chew toy next to me the whole night and gaurd my owner while he sleep. The next day I would it all over again but, in my dreams of course because it's only for a day.

Now it's back to my own four teen year old life where i'm told what to do and when to do it. It would be pretty awsome being a German Sheperd I'm born the way i am and I can't do a thing about it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the response. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main idea in a very limited way. (“If I where an animal for one day I would be a dog I would love to be able to smell ten times better than a human walk on four legs, and be able to have fun.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the response. The writer focuses limited details on the things he/she would do as an animal for the day. (“After a long days work I would get one treat for every bad guy I cought. Then I would get a belly rub and watch my self catch the bad guys on Animal Planet where its all about animals I would eat dinner in my own little dog house and have a chew toy next to me the whole night and gaurd my owner while he sleep. The next day I would it all over again but, in my dreams of course because it's only for a day.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the response. The writer does not sufficiently provide a story that includes characters, setting, plot, or dialogue. In providing these components of a story, readers will be able to fully appreciate the ideas unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“I would love to do all of those things but after work I am tired I never said what type of dog I would like to be did I I would love to be a German Shepard I would be a police dog fighting crime scaring the bad guys when the humans can't do it. That is not all would I do, I would sniff out the drugs, bombs and anything that could potently harm or kill animals and people. I would have Sharp teeth that dig into the bad guy, and strong jaws that lock on to the bad guy and never let go.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The response reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of things he/she would do as a dog for the day. The writer discusses different things he/she would do as a German Sheppard, but does not include a problem in the story. The writer does not implement dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the response, limited details are used to develop the main events. (“I would love to do all of those things but after work I am tired I never said what type of dog I would like to be did I I would love to be a German Shepard I would be a police dog fighting crime scaring the bad guys when the humans can't do it. That is not all would I do, I would sniff out the drugs, bombs and anything that could potently harm or kill animals and people. I would have Sharp teeth that dig into the bad guy, and strong jaws that lock on to the bad guy and never let go.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces a few supporting characters, but does not describe them in any way. (“I would have a big bark, and I wouldn't be a sissy dog I would be both bark and bite I would have dark fur so at night the bad guys can't see me coming and the next thing they know I have my teeth in their fleshy bottom I could run for miles without stopping, and smell the fear driping from the bad guy I could hear the sweet fall to the ground and smell the fear in their breath just knowing their afraid is the best feeling ever. They can't hide from a dog like me I could here, smell and taste the fear and it's delicius.”)

The writer does not implement dialogue in the response. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of any characters introduced in a story. (“I could play fetch and run and run like my life depended on it but it doesn't and bark at the doorbell, bite a mail man, chase a car and chase my tail I would really like to know if I would see in black and white.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the response. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of ideas may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer provides readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning attempts to grab readers’ attention with limited imagery. (“ If I where an animal for one day I would be a dog I would love to be able to smell ten times better than a human walk on four legs, and be able to have fun. I could play fetch and run and run like my life depended on it but it doesn't and bark at the doorbell, bite a mail man, chase a car and chase my tail I would really like to know if I would see in black and white.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect ideas and lead readers through the response. Incorporating more effective transitions would improve the flow of the writer’s ideas in the response. (“ After a long days work I would get one treat for every bad guy I cought. Then I would get a belly rub and watch my self catch the bad guys on Animal Planet where its all about animals I would eat dinner in my own little dog house and have a chew toy next to me the whole night and gaurd my owner while he sleep. The next day I would it all over again but, in my dreams of course because it's only for a day.”)

The writer provides a limited ending that does not give readers much to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ It would be pretty awsome being a German Sheperd I'm born the way i am and I can't do a thing about it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the response. The writer employs simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

There are run-on sentences in many portions of the response. (“ After a long days work I would get one treat for every bad guy I cought. Then I would get a belly rub and watch my self catch the bad guys on Animal Planet where its all about animals I would eat dinner in my own little dog house and have a chew toy next to me the whole night and gaurd my owner while he sleep.”)

There is repetition in the response. For example, the writer’s use of “ I would…” is glaringly repetitive. (“ I would love to do all of those things but after work I am tired I never said what type of dog I would like to be did I I would love to be a German Shepard I would be a police dog fighting crime scaring the bad guys when the humans can't do it. That is not all would I do, I would sniff out the drugs, bombs and anything that could potently harm or kill animals and people. I would have Sharp teeth that dig into the bad guy, and strong jaws that lock on to the bad guy and never let go.”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Now it's back to my own four teen year old life where i'm told what to do and when to do it. It would be pretty awsome being a German Sheperd I'm born the way i am and I can't do a thing about it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“…I would have dark fur so at night the bad guys can't see me coming and the next thing they know I have my teeth in their fleshy bottom I could run for miles without stopping, and smell the fear driping from the bad guy I could hear the sweet fall to the ground and smell the fear in their breath just knowing their afraid is the best feeling ever. They can't hide from a dog like me I could here, smell and taste the fear and it's delicius.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

If i could be an animal for a day it would be a super cool penguin. Because penguins are super cool they are a flightless bird so how does that work? It doesn't make sense But none the matter they are some of the smartest animals (to me). since there are lots of species but I just like the normal one there is the macaroni penguin which has a head that looks like easy mac! I like how the penguins swim in sub frozen temperatures and come out like its nothing when a natural person would get hypothermia or frost bite.

Penguins are weird. The guys take care of the babies when in the real world its reversed and the woman take care and the guys go and party it up saying they got a new kid anyway if theres any weird bird its a penguin well its hardly a bird it cant fly. So after the girls lay an egg then the guy is forced to keep it warm or it dies. I saw a movie about this and they wont go away.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the response. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The response does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The response only minimally states the writer’s main idea. (“If i could be an animal for a day it would be a super cool penguin.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the experiences of being a penguin for a day. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Penguins are weird. The guys take care of the babies when in the real world its reversed and the woman take care and the guys go and party it up saying they got a new kid anyway if theres any weird bird its a penguin well its hardly a bird it cant fly.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) are minimally developed. (“So after the girls lay an egg then the guy is forced to keep it warm or it dies. I saw a movie about this and they wont go away.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the response. The writer provides a minimally developed setting. Characters are not introduced. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the main focus of the prompt task. The response lacks tension or conflict to make this a story of interest. No dialogue is used because characters are not introduced.

Only minimal details are used to develop the writer’s main ideas. (“since there are lots of species but I just like the normal one there is the macaroni penguin which has a head that looks like easy mac! I like how the penguins swim in sub frozen temperatures and come out like its nothing when a natural person would get hypothermia or frost bite.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting and the writer does not attempt to introduce characters in any way. (“Penguins are weird. The guys take care of the babies when in the real world its reversed and the woman take care and the guys go and party it up saying they got a new kid anyway if theres any weird bird its a penguin well its hardly a bird it cant fly. So after the girls lay an egg then the guy is forced to keep it warm or it dies.”)

The use of dialogue is not incorporated into the response. (“If i could be an animal for a day it would be a super cool penguin. Because penguins are super cool they are a flightless bird so how does that work?”)

Organization

The organization in the response is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reflects the theme of the prompt task. The flow is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the response demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The beginning of the response reveals a repetitive and informative tone. The task calls for a story, and it is not developed in the response. (“ If i could be an animal for a day it would be a super cool penguin. Because penguins are super cool they are a flightless bird so how does that work? It doesn't make sense But none the matter they are some of the smartest animals (to me). since there are lots of species but I just like the normal one there is the macaroni penguin which has a head that looks like easy mac!”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect ideas in the response. By including more effective transitions, the writer could create a more effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in sequence. (“ Penguins are weird. The guys take care of the babies when in the real world its reversed and the woman take care and the guys go and party it up saying they got a new kid anyway if theres any weird bird its a penguin well its hardly a bird it cant fly. So after the girls lay an egg then the guy is forced to keep it warm or it dies. I saw a movie about this and they wont go away.”)

The response minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ I saw a movie about this and they wont go away.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the response. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The response also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s response with understanding. (“ Because penguins are super cool they are a flightless bird so how does that work? It doesn't make sense But none the matter they are some of the smartest animals (to me).”)

There are several run-on sentences in the essay. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ The guys take care of the babies when in the real world its reversed and the woman take care and the guys go and party it up saying they got a new kid anyway if theres any weird bird its a penguin well its hardly a bird it cant fly.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s response to the intended audience. (“ If i could be an animal for a day it would be a super cool penguin. Because penguins are super cool they are a flightless bird so how does that work?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the response. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the response exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“The guys take care of the babies when in the real world its reversed and the woman take care and the guys go and party it up saying they got a new kid anyway if theres any weird bird its a penguin well its hardly a bird it cant fly.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

If I was a animal for a day it wood be cool becace i wood get fed for free and i wood not have to work at all and i can sleep all day that wood be cool. and i wood not have to go to school but the bad things are i cant sit on the couch i cant play games icant see my friends i cant get out of the yard to see my friends i can,t have parents. i wood not like cat and i woo be in a fans or a wooden fans.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the response are inadequate for the task presented. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant. The response does not satisfy the main components of the task.

From the beginning, the purpose of the story is unfocused. (“ If I was a animal for a day it wood be cool becace i wood get fed for free and i wood not have to work at all and i can sleep all day that wood be cool.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“and i wood not have to go to school but the bad things are i cant sit on the couch i cant play games icant see my friends i cant get out of the yard to see my friends i can,t have parents.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“i wood not like cat and i woo be in a fans or a wooden fans.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the response. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are not introduced. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed and providing details about surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ If I was a animal for a day it wood be cool becace i wood get fed for free and i wood not have to work at all and i can sleep all day that wood be cool.”)

The writer does not introduce characters. (“and i wood not have to go to school but the bad things are i cant sit on the couch i cant play games icant see my friends i cant get out of the yard to see my friends i can,t have parents.”)

There are no events developed. (“i wood not like cat and i woo be in a fans or a wooden fans.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the response is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The response does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, an animal the writer would like to be for a day. (“ If I was a animal for a day it wood be cool becace i wood get fed for free and i wood not have to work at all and i can sleep all day that wood be cool.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ and i wood not have to go to school but the bad things are i cant sit on the couch i cant play games icant see my friends i cant get out of the yard to see my friends i can,t have parents.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ i wood not like cat and i woo be in a fans or a wooden fans.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ i wood not like cat and i woo be in a fans or a wooden fans.”)

The sentences are too informal and repetitive; they do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ If I was a animal for a day it wood be cool becace i wood get fed for free and i wood not have to work at all and i can sleep all day that wood be cool.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“and i wood not have to go to school but the bad things are i cant sit on the couch i cant play games icant see my friends i cant get out of the yard to see my friends i can,t have parents.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the response. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the response exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas. The response is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“If I was a animal for a day it wood be cool becace i wood get fed for free and i wood not have to work at all and i can sleep all day that wood be cool.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

An Incredible New Talent

You wake up one morning, and you discover that you have a new and incredible talent. Write a story about the day you discover that you have a new and incredible talent.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The kitchen is my home. I instinctively slice, fry, and manipulate any ingredient I can get my hands on into a culinary masterpiece. Then, I suddenly snap back to reality and marvel at the work of art in front of me, asking myself how I can prepare succulent dishes as if it is effortless. Overnight, I became a culinary genius. This new gift will start off as merely a hobby; its legitimacy will be proven, and then challenged by one of the greatest chefs of all time in one, final showdown where I will question if it is really worth it.

On that Sunday morning, I did not remember getting out of bed. All I remember was that tugging in my gut telling which herbs and spices to toss into the pan with the carefully butchered meat. I then had that familiar feeling as if your teacher was awaking you from a daydream. Just as I completed my dish, my family acted as that teacher. I turned around to see their skeptical expressions. Speechless, I decided to serve them breakfast. As they all indulged in my feast, there wasn't any talk until all of the platters were clear. As everyone pushed aside their plates and leaned back in their seats, the interrogation began. After what felt like a million questions, I told them how I did not recall anything from the morning until they roused me from my focus. After we all jumped to countless conclusions, the one that we all knew had to be true was that I somehow became a culinary genius overnight. We were right. My brilliance in the kitchen was jaw dropping. Whenever I came within 20 yards of a kitchen I was attracted to it like a magnet to steel. When I was asked to cook, I physically could not resist. I would enter the kitchen and simultaneously enter a mindset where all I could think about was food until I successfully finished an elegant dish. Once I figured this out, I knew things were going to be interesting. After I discovered my new talent and tested it out, it was time to adjust to life with it.

The first couple days with my new talent were a little bit hard to adjust to. Every day I would wake up and make breakfast for my family, go through my normal schedule until the lunch hour. At eleven I would start cooking lunch. After lunch, I would continue my day until four o'clock in which I would begin making dinner. I was like a machine. My days revolved around the meals like the planets around the sun! I enjoyed my cooking so much that at first this was not a chore at all. It wasn't until after a few days of this that people started asking me to do their cooking too. The word spread around town so quickly that I was constantly getting phone calls to cater all types of events. I couldn't resist accepting the many summonses for my cooking and after a few jobs I became so well known that I was on the front page of "the Morning Call"; I was a sensation. I was cooking so much that I began dreading it. Cooking was my entire life. I would wake up at six o'clock in the morning and cook meals until sundown. After two weeks I had evolved into a national phenomenon. I was constantly on flights flying across the country to prepare meals for very influential people like the President, Tom Brady, and even Oprah! Everyone loved me, except for other chefs. I was stealing celebrity chef's spotlights, and they did not like it. One day as I was doing a live show in Las Vegas I was approached by Bobby Flay. He wanted one final showdown to find out who the best chef really is with one catch, the loser had to quit cooking, forever. I had a plan. After adjusting to my new talent and discovering that it was not just a hobby, I was ready to execute my plan.

The showdown was scheduled to take place in just two days in Times Square! After all of my publicity I was confident I could take him on. The showdown came before I as quickly as I could blink, before I knew it I was standing at my outdoor kitchen in the middle of Times Square, hundreds of thousands of people jostling for a spot as close to the action as possible. The clock was set to two hours and we had to put together a sophisticated meal that would be tasted by the two of the most important people in America, Barrack Obama and Justin Bieber, whom would choose a winner. The clock started and I quickly entered my zone. I was going to cook my world famous slow roasted ribs served with creamy mashed potatoes and sautéed asparagus. I was focused and on top of my game, I felt that comfortable tugging in my gut telling me what to do. The two hours flew by; I just finished my plate when I heard the timer sound and Times Square shake with excitement from the crowd as they anticipated the result of this legendary showdown. The judges began the tastings immediately. My dish went first. As they tasted my food I saw their faces light up with pleasure as they enjoyed my excellent work, they had no complaints or critiques, on compliments. But then they tasted Bobby's dish. They felt the same way about his! The judges went inside to consult and Bobby and I were taken onto a stage to await the outcome. Minutes later they came out with the results. We were not just being watched by thousands live, but on worldwide television, I began getting nervous, but not for the outcome, for my plan. Mr. Obama stepped onto the stage and took both of our hands.

He began, "Our winner is..." and I saw the fear in Bobby's eyes that he may never be able to cook again. Thoughts crossed my mind about all of the meals this victory would lead to, the plane rides across the country to clients. I had to act.

I took the microphone form his hand and shouted into it, "I forfeit!" The crowd went silent. I walked through the crowd to my station, hung up my apron and put down my spatula. When cooking went from being fun to a competition, I didn't want anything to do with it. My family was supportive of me and happy to have me back in the house again and back to my old self. I seemed to have shaken the inability to resist cooking. Luckily for my family though, I didn't lose the skill. They looked forward to breakfast every Sunday! After forfeiting the competition, I no longer had the burden of my talent on my shoulders and my family was just as relieved as I was.

Even though I don't use it as often, I am still as smart in the kitchen as Einstein is in math. I learned to refrain from using it until every Sunday morning when I make a big breakfast for my family. Bobby was very grateful that I forfeited and allowed him to continue his cooking. But he also wants to have a showdown someday and see who is really a better chef. You never know, maybe someday.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story, which reflectively showcase his/her incredible new talent.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the outcome of the cooking showdown. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are experiencing the incredible new talent with the writer. (“The two hours flew by; I just finished my plate when I heard the timer sound and Times Square shake with excitement from the crowd as they anticipated the result of this legendary showdown. The judges began the tastings immediately. My dish went first. As they tasted my food I saw their faces light up with pleasure as they enjoyed my excellent work, they had no complaints or critiques, on compliments. But then they tasted Bobby's dish. They felt the same way about his! The judges went inside to consult and Bobby and I were taken onto a stage to await the outcome. Minutes later they came out with the results. We were not just being watched by thousands live, but on worldwide television, I began getting nervous, but not for the outcome, for my plan. Mr. Obama stepped onto the stage and took both of our hands.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the writer's scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences with his/her incredible new talent. (“After two weeks I had evolved into a national phenomenon. I was constantly on flights flying across the country to prepare meals for very influential people like the President, Tom Brady, and even Oprah! Everyone loved me, except for other chefs. I was stealing celebrity chef's spotlights, and they did not like it. One day as I was doing a live show in Las Vegas I was approached by Bobby Flay.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“I took the microphone form his hand and shouted into it, 'I forfeit!' The crowd went silent. I walked through the crowd to my station, hung up my apron and put down my spatula. When cooking went from being fun to a competition, I didn't want anything to do with it. My family was supportive of me and happy to have me back in the house again and back to my old self. I seemed to have shaken the inability to resist cooking. Luckily for my family though, I didn't lose the skill. They looked forward to breakfast every Sunday!”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the story. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the incredible new talent and the writer’s experiences throughout the narrative. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes Bobby Flay. (“Everyone loved me, except for other chefs. I was stealing celebrity chef's spotlights, and they did not like it. One day as I was doing a live show in Las Vegas I was approached by Bobby Flay. He wanted one final showdown to find out who the best chef really is with one catch, the loser had to quit cooking, forever.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, it is found that the writer doesn't normally possess such an incredible talent in the kitchen. (“On that Sunday morning, I did not remember getting out of bed. All I remember was that tugging in my gut telling which herbs and spices to toss into the pan with the carefully butchered meat. I then had that familiar feeling as if your teacher was awaking you from a daydream. Just as I completed my dish, my family acted as that teacher. I turned around to see their skeptical expressions. Speechless, I decided to serve them breakfast. As they all indulged in my feast, there wasn't any talk until all of the platters were clear. As everyone pushed aside their plates and leaned back in their seats, the interrogation began.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the incredible new talent throughout the narrative. (“The first couple days with my new talent were a little bit hard to adjust to. Every day I would wake up and make breakfast for my family, go through my normal schedule until the lunch hour. At eleven I would start cooking lunch. After lunch, I would continue my day until four o'clock in which I would begin making dinner. I was like a machine. My days revolved around the meals like the planets around the sun! I enjoyed my cooking so much that at first this was not a chore at all. It wasn't until after a few days of this that people started asking me to do their cooking too. The word spread around town so quickly that I was constantly getting phone calls to cater all types of events. I couldn't resist accepting the many summonses for my cooking and after a few jobs I became so well known that I was on the front page of 'the Morning Call'; I was a sensation.”)

Organization

Organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the incredible new cooking talent he/she possesses. (“The kitchen is my home. I instinctively slice, fry, and manipulate any ingredient I can get my hands on into a culinary masterpiece. Then, I suddenly snap back to reality and marvel at the work of art in front of me, asking myself how I can prepare succulent dishes as if it is effortless. Overnight, I became a culinary genius. This new gift will start off as merely a hobby; its legitimacy will be proven, and then challenged by one of the greatest chefs of all time in one, final showdown where I will question if it is really worth it.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“The first couple days with my new talent were a little bit hard to adjust to. Every day I would wake up and make breakfast for my family, go through my normal schedule until the lunch hour. At eleven I would start cooking lunch. After lunch, I would continue my day until four o'clock in which I would begin making dinner. I was like a machine.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending. (“Even though I don't use it as often, I am still as smart in the kitchen as Einstein is in math. I learned to refrain from using it until every Sunday morning when I make a big breakfast for my family. Bobby was very grateful that I forfeited and allowed him to continue his cooking. But he also wants to have a showdown someday and see who is really a better chef. You never know, maybe someday.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the narrative. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her incredible new talent. (“ My brilliance in the kitchen was jaw dropping. Whenever I came within 20 yards of a kitchen I was attracted to it like a magnet to steel. When I was asked to cook, I physically could not resist. I would enter the kitchen and simultaneously enter a mindset where all I could think about was food until I successfully finished an elegant dish.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ As everyone pushed aside their plates and leaned back in their seats, the interrogation began. After what felt like a million questions, I told them how I did not recall anything from the morning until they roused me from my focus. After we all jumped to countless conclusions, the one that we all knew had to be true was that I somehow became a culinary genius overnight. We were right.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. (“ On that Sunday morning, I did not remember getting out of bed. All I remember was that tugging in my gut telling which herbs and spices to toss into the pan with the carefully butchered meat. I then had that familiar feeling as if your teacher was awaking you from a daydream. Just as I completed my dish, my family acted as that teacher. I turned around to see their skeptical expressions.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ The clock was set to two hours and we had to put together a sophisticated meal that would be tasted by the two of the most important people in America, Barrack Obama and Justin Bieber, whom would choose a winner.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One sunny morning, I was just about to wake up and take a shower. Then, I saw something shiny on the floor. It was a ring that had hieroglyphics on it. I didn't know what they meant, but I thought that it would be cool to wear. I scurried downstairs to catch the bus. I was going too fast and knocked down a vase. Smash! Now my parents are going to kill me! I heard my dad coming downstairs and I tried to hide. I hid behind one of my mom's plants. I knew my dad was going to find me because he always checks on the plants every morning.

"Who's that?" said dad.

There was no answer. I saw my dad clean the vase up and go to get the watering can. He was coming towards me and I knew that I was busted. I clenched my fists together in hope that he won't see me. Then, my leg disappeared. My arm and my clothes have also disappeared. My dad leaned over and watered the plants. He didn't notice me at all. After my dad went back upstairs, I released the grip of my fists. My whole body was visible now. Could this have something to do with the ring?

I dashed outside to catch the bus. After the bus dropped me off, I walked into the school. I made it to my classroom before the bell rang. Suddenly, my ring started to glow and sparkle. I tried to hide it before anyone sees it. My attempt to hide the ring didn't help. The ring started glowing brighter and brighter. I had no clue what to do. Finally, the idea hit me like a bullet train. I asked my teacher if I could use the restroom. I sprinted out the door and to the restroom trying to hide my ring at the same time. When I got there, I clenched my fist together and turned invisible. As soon as I turned invisible the ring stopped glowing. Maybe I can learn to harness the ring's power. Every time I close my fists, I turn invisible. I finally learned how to use my power.

I was about to open my classroom door until I realized that I could have a little fun with my new power. I closed my fists and walked through the classroom door. I walked up to my teacher who was in the middle of giving instructions to the students. I picked up a whiteboard marker and wrote "Hello" on the whiteboard. The students gasped and told the teacher to look at the board. The teacher said that she doesn't know how it got there. To make everyone even more scared, I threw a pencil in the air. Sure enough, everyone was creeped out. My teacher screamed and ran to the next classroom to tell them what happened. I think that I went a little too far, so I went back outside and turned visible again. I walked into the classroom and acted like I didn't know what happened. Everyone was scared and trying to tell me what happened. My new power is going to be fun.

I played a bunch of other pranks on people and they were all scared. People started rumors that our school was haunted. The school bell rang and I sprinted home because I was excited to use them on my parents. When I got home, I closed my fists to turn invisible, but it didn't work. I was clueless about what to do with the ring now that it won't work. I went upstairs and I noticed that my closet door was open. There was a mysterious green glow that looked kind of like the glow of my ring. I stepped closer and closer to the door, and saw a big, green hologram of a face. The face spoke with a deep voice.

"You only get to use your powers for one day because of the way you used them," the face bellowed.

Before I could answer, he was already gone with my powers. My ring was also gone. I guess my powers were never meant to be. Even though my powers were taken away, it was fun having them. Next time I will use my powers for good and emergencies. At least I was the best a hide and seek!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the narrative. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well-stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on how his/her incredible new talent was acquired. (“One sunny morning, I was just about to wake up and take a shower. Then, I saw something shiny on the floor. It was a ring that had hieroglyphics on it. I didn't know what they meant, but I thought that it would be cool to wear.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“He was coming towards me and I knew that I was busted. I clenched my fists together in hope that he won't see me. Then, my leg disappeared. My arm and my clothes have also disappeared. My dad leaned over and watered the plants. He didn't notice me at all. After my dad went back upstairs, I released the grip of my fists. My whole body was visible now. Could this have something to do with the ring?”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. (“I was about to open my classroom door until I realized that I could have a little fun with my new power. I closed my fists and walked through the classroom door. I walked up to my teacher who was in the middle of giving instructions to the students. I picked up a whiteboard marker and wrote 'Hello' on the whiteboard. The students gasped and told the teacher to look at the board. The teacher said that she doesn't know how it got there. To make everyone even more scared, I threw a pencil in the air. Sure enough, everyone was creeped out.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as he/she uses an incredible new talent. (“I dashed outside to catch the bus. After the bus dropped me off, I walked into the school. I made it to my classroom before the bell rang. Suddenly, my ring started to glow and sparkle. I tried to hide it before anyone sees it. My attempt to hide the ring didn't help. The ring started glowing brighter and brighter. I had no clue what to do. Finally, the idea hit me like a bullet train. I asked my teacher if I could use the restroom. I sprinted out the door and to the restroom trying to hide my ring at the same time. When I got there, I clenched my fist together and turned invisible.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ I dashed outside to catch the bus. After the bus dropped me off, I walked into the school. I made it to my classroom before the bell rang. Suddenly, my ring started to glow and sparkle.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“My teacher screamed and ran to the next classroom to tell them what happened. I think that I went a little too far, so I went back outside and turned visible again. I walked into the classroom and acted like I didn't know what happened. Everyone was scared and trying to tell me what happened. My new power is going to be fun.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the narrative. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One sunny morning, I was just about to wake up and take a shower. Then, I saw something shiny on the floor. It was a ring that had hieroglyphics on it. I didn't know what they meant, but I thought that it would be cool to wear. I scurried downstairs to catch the bus. I was going too fast and knocked down a vase. Smash! Now my parents are going to kill me! I heard my dad coming downstairs and I tried to hide. I hid behind one of my mom's plants. I knew my dad was going to find me because he always checks on the plants every morning.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ The school bell rang and I sprinted home because I was excited to use them on my parents. When I got home, I closed my fists to turn invisible, but it didn't work. I was clueless about what to do with the ring now that it won't work.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ Before I could answer, he was already gone with my powers. My ring was also gone. I guess my powers were never meant to be. Even though my powers were taken away, it was fun having them. Next time I will use my powers for good and emergencies. At least I was the best a hide and seek!”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent. (“ He was coming towards me and I knew that I was busted. I clenched my fists together in hope that he won't see me. Then, my leg disappeared. My arm and my clothes have also disappeared. My dad leaned over and watered the plants. He didn't notice me at all. After my dad went back upstairs, I released the grip of my fists.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ I was about to open my classroom door until I realized that I could have a little fun with my new power. I closed my fists and walked through the classroom door. I walked up to my teacher who was in the middle of giving instructions to the students. I picked up a whiteboard marker and wrote 'Hello' on the whiteboard.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey his/her incredible new talent. (“ I dashed outside to catch the bus. After the bus dropped me off, I walked into the school. I made it to my classroom before the bell rang. Suddenly, my ring started to glow and sparkle. I tried to hide it before anyone sees it. My attempt to hide the ring didn't help. The ring started glowing brighter and brighter. I had no clue what to do. Finally, the idea hit me like a bullet train.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the narrative. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and line breaks are used to indicate new paragraphs. (“ My dad leaned over and watered the plants. He didn't notice me at all. After my dad went back upstairs, I released the grip of my fists. My whole body was visible now. Could this have something to do with the ring?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There was one day in my life that I will never forget. The day when something amazingly supernatural happened to me. I couldn't believe it. It was so weird, and it was so unreal. I woke up that morning with my usual routine; take a shower, dress, eat, etc. It was a normal day, or so I thought.

I opened the door and shivered as the cold, crisp air blew into my face. I walked down the bustling streets of New York filled with people. "I wish I could fly and pass all these people" I thought to myself. I imagined flying over all the people waving as I passed by overhead. As I closed my eyes, I daydreamed. Then a strange feeling swept over me. I felt as if I were lifted off the ground. I felt light as a feather. I opened my eyes and I screamed. "What is happening?" I said "Put me back down!". I rose higher and higher off the ground. I watched as the people below stared up at me. They all gasped in utter shock. "Call 911!" a man yelled.

I stopped rising stayed there floating in the air. I got curious so I tried to push myself through the air. I moved! I did it again, and I got further. "This was fun! Its like IM flying!" I exclaimed. Then; I thought, I was flying! After all, I had just wished I could. My wish had come true! I darted through the sky, spinning, zooming, and looping. I was having a blast! I flew over the supermarket, the bank, and my school. People watched me in awe. This was amazing!

As I landed on the ground, and people flocked to me. "Wow!" they exclaimed. I smiled a big grin. I felt honored to be so popular. I resumed my day as normal flying to my destinations. At the end of the day, I wondered if I would wake up to this incredible new talent the next day. I went to sleep and dreamed sweet dreams about flying all over the world. I woke up and I tried to fly back. Nothing happened. I was sad that my talent was gone. At least I had an amazing time the day before. That was a day I will never forget.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. The story reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“I opened the door and shivered as the cold, crisp air blew into my face. I walked down the bustling streets of New York filled with people. 'I wish I could fly and pass all these people' I thought to myself.”)

The writer focuses on the main event of his/her incredible new talent throughout the story. (“Then a strange feeling swept over me. I felt as if I were lifted off the ground. I felt light as a feather. I opened my eyes and I screamed. 'What is happening?' I said 'Put me back down!'. I rose higher and higher off the ground. I watched as the people below stared up at me. They all gasped in utter shock. 'Call 911!' a man yelled….I stopped rising stayed there floating in the air.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“As I landed on the ground, and people flocked to me. 'Wow!' they exclaimed. I smiled a big grin. I felt honored to be so popular. I resumed my day as normal flying to my destinations. At the end of the day, I wondered if I would wake up to this incredible new talent the next day.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer's incredible new talent holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“I opened my eyes and I screamed. 'What is happening?' I said 'Put me back down!'. I rose higher and higher off the ground. I watched as the people below stared up at me. They all gasped in utter shock. 'Call 911!' a man yelled.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“I opened the door and shivered as the cold, crisp air blew into my face. I walked down the bustling streets of New York filled with people. 'I wish I could fly and pass all these people' I thought to myself. I imagined flying over all the people waving as I passed by overhead. As I closed my eyes, I daydreamed. Then a strange feeling swept over me. I felt as if I were lifted off the ground. I felt light as a feather.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when he/she is floating off the ground and can't get back down. (“'What is happening?' I said 'Put me back down!'. I rose higher and higher off the ground. I watched as the people below stared up at me. They all gasped in utter shock. 'Call 911!' a man yelled.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing how he/she woke up with an incredible new talent. (“ There was one day in my life that I will never forget. The day when something amazingly supernatural happened to me. I couldn't believe it. It was so weird, and it was so unreal. I woke up that morning with my usual routine; take a shower, dress, eat, etc. It was a normal day, or so I thought.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“As I landed on the ground, and people flocked to me.'Wow!' they exclaimed. I smiled a big grin. I felt honored to be so popular. I resumed my day as normal flying to my destinations. At the end of the day, I wondered if I would wake up to this incredible new talent the next day.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ At the end of the day, I wondered if I would wake up to this incredible new talent the next day. I went to sleep and dreamed sweet dreams about flying all over the world. I woke up and I tried to fly back. Nothing happened. I was sad that my talent was gone. At least I had an amazing time the day before. That was a day I will never forget.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I opened the door and shivered as the cold, crisp air blew into my face. I walked down the bustling streets of New York filled with people. 'I wish I could fly and pass all these people' I thought to myself. I imagined flying over all the people waving as I passed by overhead. As I closed my eyes, I daydreamed.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes his/her incredible new talent. (“ Then a strange feeling swept over me. I felt as if I were lifted off the ground. I felt light as a feather. I opened my eyes and I screamed. 'What is happening?' I said 'Put me back down!'”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ I rose higher and higher off the ground. I watched as the people below stared up at me. They all gasped in utter shock. 'Call 911!' a man yelled.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the narrative. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Yesterday morning I woke up a super student. It may sound a little bit crazy, but this is a true story. The strange part is that the same exact day, my super powers were gone. My adventure with my super power began as soon as I woke up.

I woke up to my alarm clock screaming on my dresser. It was sadly the beginning a new week of Junior High School. I wasn't really excited about going to school. The buildings were all made of red bricks and surrounded with dead grass. The environment was extremely depressing. As I quickly changed into my school clothing I realized that i was done in one minuet. It was very unusual because my best record while changing clothes was 20 minuets. I decided to ignore it and move on. when I started walking to school, I began to walk faster than the cars. Something was definitely wrong with me. Had I woken up with super speed?

I decided to explore my new super power so I ran to my school's track field. It was smaller than I thought. I decided to run as fast as I could. It turned out, that my shoes must have super powers because I could run fast.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“Yesterday morning I woke up a super student. It may sound a little bit crazy, but this is a true story. The strange part is that the same exact day, my super powers were gone. My adventure with my super power began as soon as I woke up.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on his/her incredible new talent. (“As I quickly changed into my school clothing I realized that i was done in one minuet. It was very unusual because my best record while changing clothes was 20 minuets.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“I woke up to my alarm clock screaming on my dresser. It was sadly the beginning a new week of Junior High School. I wasn't really excited about going to school. The buildings were all made of red bricks and surrounded with dead grass. The environment was extremely depressing. As I quickly changed into my school clothing I realized that i was done in one minuet.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The story reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of his/her incredible new talent. The writer discusses his/her new super talent but does not include a problem in the story. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“As I quickly changed into my school clothing I realized that i was done in one minuet. It was very unusual because my best record while changing clothes was 20 minuets. I decided to ignore it and move on. when I started walking to school, I began to walk faster than the cars. Something was definitely wrong with me. Had I woken up with super speed?”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces themselves into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“I woke up to my alarm clock screaming on my dresser. It was sadly the beginning a new week of Junior High School.”)

The writer does not implement any use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“Something was definitely wrong with me. Had I woken up with super speed?”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. (“ Yesterday morning I woke up a super student. It may sound a little bit crazy, but this is a true story. The strange part is that the same exact day, my super powers were gone. My adventure with my super power began as soon as I woke up.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the story. (“ As I quickly changed into my school clothing I realized that i was done in one minuet. It was very unusual because my best record while changing clothes was 20 minuets. I decided to ignore it and move on. when I started walking to school, I began to walk faster than the cars.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ I decided to explore my new super power so I ran to my school's track field. It was smaller than I thought. I decided to run as fast as I could. It turned out, that my shoes must have super powers because I could run fast.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The story reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ I woke up to my alarm clock screaming on my dresser. It was sadly the beginning a new week of Junior High School. I wasn't really excited about going to school. The buildings were all made of red bricks and surrounded with dead grass. The environment was extremely depressing.”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions to allow the writing to flow more smoothly. (“ I decided to explore my new super power so I ran to my school's track field. It was smaller than I thought. I decided to run as fast as I could. It turned out, that my shoes must have super powers because I could run fast.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Yesterday morning I woke up a super student. It may sound a little bit crazy, but this is a true story. The strange part is that the same exact day, my super powers were gone. My adventure with my super power began as soon as I woke up.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the narrative. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, correct spelling of words is checked, and proper usage of words within the context of sentences is ensured. (“It was very unusual because my best record while changing clothes was 20 minuets. I decided to ignore it and move on. when I started walking to school, I began to walk faster than the cars.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

Talent

On saterday i woke up and discovered i had a new talent it was the talent to juggle.I could juggle 6 toys at once without stoping for 30 minutes and it was amazing.Some times i would try to juggle 8 but i could not but i was still happy about what i could do.And i though it was awsome in my own way and my parents were happy about my long hidden talent.Saterday and sun day flew by in a flash and it was monday and i did not whant to goto school becuase there is usualy nothing to do.But mom made me go to school and i showed my frends the trick they that it was amasing and unbelivable and i glad becuase it was really hard to get that trick right.

Sometimes i wonder how i got this amazing trick right because i usually never could do this.And i always thought it was hard to do and i though the school talent show would be perfect to show my class.The show was in 4 days wich gave me enough time to practice and i tryed and tryed.It was very boring trying to do the same trick and messing up every time i would try the same trick to learn it and get it right but it was so hard.I could not get over how fustragting it was and how i was so tierd i could not stand much more for any longer

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“On saterday i woke up and discovered i had a new talent it was the talent to juggle.I could juggle 6 toys at once without stoping for 30 minutes and it was amazing.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of his/her incredible new juggling talent. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Some times i would try to juggle 8 but i could not but i was still happy about what i could do.And i though it was awsome in my own way and my parents were happy about my long hidden talent.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“And i always thought it was hard to do and i though the school talent show would be perfect to show my class.The show was in 4 days wich gave me enough time to practice and i tryed and tryed.It was very boring trying to do the same trick and messing up every time i would try the same trick to learn it and get it right but it was so hard.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the newly acquired juggling talent, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“I could juggle 6 toys at once without stoping for 30 minutes and it was amazing.Some times i would try to juggle 8 but i could not but i was still happy about what i could do.And i though it was awsome in my own way and my parents were happy about my long hidden talent.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“But mom made me go to school and i showed my frends the trick they that it was amasing and unbelivable and i glad becuase it was really hard to get that trick right.”)

There is minimal development of information about what happened during the main event. (“Sometimes i wonder how i got this amazing trick right because i usually never could do this.And i always thought it was hard to do and i though the school talent show would be perfect to show my class.The show was in 4 days wich gave me enough time to practice and i tryed and tryed.”)

Organization

The story’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the story demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by informing the readers that he/she woke up with an incredible new talent. (“ On saterday i woke up and discovered i had a new talent it was the talent to juggle.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ Some times i would try to juggle 8 but i could not but i was still happy about what i could do.And i though it was awsome in my own way and my parents were happy about my long hidden talent.Saterday and sun day flew by in a flash and it was monday and i did not whant to goto school becuase there is usualy nothing to do”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal ending. The story fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ I could not get over how fustragting it was and how i was so tierd i could not stand much more for any longer”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the narrative. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The story also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ The show was in 4 days wich gave me enough time to practice and i tryed and tryed.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ But mom made me go to school and i showed my frends the trick they that it was amasing and unbelivable and i glad becuase it was really hard to get that trick right.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ It was very boring trying to do the same trick and messing up every time i would try the same trick to learn it and get it right but it was so hard.I could not get over how fustragting it was and how i was so tierd i could not stand much more for any longer”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the narrative. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“Saterday and sun day flew by in a flash and it was monday and i did not whant to goto school becuase there is usualy nothing to do.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"haaaaaaa" the sound of when I yawn. So I get off my bed and i jump up in down then im walking to my bathroom to rinse my mouth and i hit the top of the door and i wonder did i get taller so i run to the mirror and my eyes are still a little blurry from sleeping so I squint and i was floating. I fainted and woke up then i rememberd yesterday that i had got bitten by something i dont know why this is happening so now. I run to my mom and she dosent see me floating she said "your not floatinnnnnnnnnnnng" then she actually saw me. She ran to the couner and got the keys and we ran out of the house and i picked her up and flyed to the hospital........

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the story are inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The story does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ 'haaaaaaa' the sound of when I yawn. So I get off my bed and i jump up in down then im walking to my bathroom to rinse my mouth and i hit the top of the door and i wonder did i get taller so i run to the mirror and my eyes are still a little blurry from sleeping so I squint and i was floating.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“I run to my mom and she dosent see me floating she said 'your not floatinnnnnnnnnnnng' then she actually saw me.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“I fainted and woke up then i rememberd yesterday that i had got bitten by something i dont know why this is happening so now.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ So I get off my bed and i jump up in down then im walking to my bathroom to rinse my mouth and i hit the top of the door and i wonder did i get taller so i run to the mirror and my eyes are still a little blurry from sleeping so I squint and i was floating.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“I run to my mom and she dosent see me floating she said 'your not floatinnnnnnnnnnnng' then she actually saw me.”)

There is ineffective use of dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“…she said 'your not floatinnnnnnnnnnnng' then she actually saw me.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the story is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, the writer's incredible new talent. (“ 'haaaaaaa' the sound of when I yawn. So I get off my bed and i jump up in down then im walking to my bathroom to rinse my mouth and i hit the top of the door and i wonder did i get taller so i run to the mirror and my eyes are still a little blurry from sleeping so I squint and i was floating.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ I fainted and woke up then i rememberd yesterday that i had got bitten by something i dont know why this is happening so now.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ She ran to the couner and got the keys and we ran out of the house and i picked her up and flyed to the hospital........”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ She ran to the couner and got the keys and we ran out of the house and i picked her up and flyed to the hospital........”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I fainted and woke up then i rememberd yesterday that i had got bitten by something i dont know why this is happening so now.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“So I get off my bed and i jump up in down then im walking to my bathroom to rinse my mouth and i hit the top of the door and i wonder did i get taller so i run to the mirror and my eyes are still a little blurry from sleeping so I squint and i was floating.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the narrative. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The story is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“I run to my mom and she dosent see me floating she said 'your not floatinnnnnnnnnnnng' then she actually saw me. She ran to the couner and got the keys and we ran out of the house and i picked her up and flyed to the hospital........”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Parent's Influence

In the novel The Pigman and Me the narrator describes how he is inevitably affected by those around him, especially his mother with whom he is at constant battle. He realizes, as all children do, that our parents are there to give us advice because they have our best interests at heart.

Write a multi-paragraph story in which you describe a time you were faced with a conflict and your parents' advice affected your decision. Be sure to include specific details and examples to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Ever since I could remember, my generous mother and strong father have stressed the importance of education. As immigrants from South Korea, they have sacrificed and toiled to carve out a better life for my siblings and me. Whenever I complain about my schoolwork, my parents are quick to remind me of their perseverance. "In Korea," they tell us, "we slaved away over our schoolwork." Ultimately, I am reminded to study hard, listen in class, and do my best in school. In quiet moments, worries about the pressure to succeed in school would cloud my face. Recently, however, I realized that even though my parents put pressure on me to succeed, I can always turn to them for school advice.

As a fifth grader placed in a sixth grade class, I sometimes puff up like a rooster, proud of my good grades and achievements. Then came a dark day when I didn't turn in two assignments. It was a warm fall afternoon. Outside the school, the leaves had fallen from their branches, turning to brown mush below. Before I knew it, my reading teacher was by my desk, ready to check off what I had done.

"How about these two?" she asked, pointing two time assignments.

"You didn't give us our sheets," I said, a little flustered. Suddenly the room felt hot and stifling. My stomach sank when I was told that I had to put it on a separate sheet of paper, but by then it was too late to make it up.

Hours went by and the afternoon grew darker. In science class, progress reports were passed out. My science teacher looked at my progress report a few times before handing it to me. Later, I would understand her look was one of skepticism. While I walked back to my desk, surprise stopped me short. "I got a C?" I said and gripped the paper between my hands, shaking it slightly. I realized then those two missing assignments had affected my grade.

Two weeks later, I received another progress report, and to my great dismay, a big, scary "D" stared up like a menacing glower. Confusion swept through me. How had I gone from a C to a D in reading so quickly? My cheeks flushed, and the urge to crumble up the paper took hold. Instead I went to my parents.

My mom and dad love me, but I couldn't help feel fear and worry as I approached them in the kitchen. I held the progress report behind my back. My mom stood by the stove, stirring a stew in a pot. "I have something to tell you," I said. She looked up at me, and I revealed the grade.

Immediately, my parents put aside what they were doing to sit me down at the kitchen table. With concern in their face and voices, they said, "David, we want you to ask your reading teacher why you got this grade. More importantly, we want you to ask her how to improve the grade." My parents spoke to me kindly but seriously. The smells of dinner wafted through the room, wrapping me a warm, comforting blanket. Soon enough I would be eating, growing full from the gestures of my parents love for me.

Finally morning came. Armed with my parents' advice, I went to my reading teacher and asked her about the grade and how to improve it. Like my mother and father, my teacher listened to me and made suggestions. Suddenly the day looked brighter and clearer. Thanks to my parent's guidance, I bounded through the rest of the afternoon knowing I had been able to face my problem rather than run from it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases the conflict and how the advice of his parents affected a tough decision.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the final outcome. Readers are drawn into these experiences and feel as though they can relate to a similar experience that happened with their own parents. (“Ultimately, I am reminded to study hard, listen in class, and do my best in school. In quiet moments, worries about the pressure to succeed in school would cloud my face. Recently, however, I realized that even though my parents put pressure on me to succeed, I can always turn to them for school advice.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the home and school scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in how his parents' advice affected a tough decision. (“Two weeks later, I received another progress report, and to my great dismay, a big, scary 'D' stared up like a menacing glower. Confusion swept through me. How had I gone from a C to a D in reading so quickly? My cheeks flushed, and the urge to crumble up the paper took hold. Instead I went to my parents. My mom and dad love me, but I couldn't help feel fear and worry as I approached them in the kitchen. I held the progress report behind my back. My mom stood by the stove, stirring a stew in a pot. 'I have something to tell you,' I said. She looked up at me, and I revealed the grade.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“As a fifth grader placed in a sixth grade class, I sometimes puff up like a rooster, proud of my good grades and achievements. Then came a dark day when I didn't turn in two assignments. It was a warm fall afternoon. Outside the school, the leaves had fallen from their branches, turning to brown mush below. Before I knew it, my reading teacher was by my desk, ready to check off what I had done.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the story. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the problem and the writer’s experiences in following his parents' advice. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes the mother and father characters in the narrative. (“Immediately, my parents put aside what they were doing to sit me down at the kitchen table. With concern in their face and voices, they said, 'David, we want you to ask your reading teacher why you got this grade. More importantly, we want you to ask her how to improve the grade.' My parents spoke to me kindly but seriously. The smells of dinner wafted through the room, wrapping me a warm, comforting blanket. Soon enough I would be eating, growing full from the gestures of my parents love for me.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer usually excels in school and receives high marks. (“As a fifth grader placed in a sixth grade class, I sometimes puff up like a rooster, proud of my good grades and achievements. Then came a dark day when I didn't turn in two assignments. It was a warm fall afternoon. Outside the school, the leaves had fallen from their branches, turning to brown mush below. Before I knew it, my reading teacher was by my desk, ready to check off what I had done.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the problem and the parents' advice throughout the narrative. (“Before I knew it, my reading teacher was by my desk, ready to check off what I had done. 'How about these two?' she asked, pointing two time assignments. 'You didn't give us our sheets,' I said, a little flustered. Suddenly the room felt hot and stifling. My stomach sank when I was told that I had to put it on a separate sheet of paper, but by then it was too late to make it up. Hours went by and the afternoon grew darker. In science class, progress reports were passed out. My science teacher looked at my progress report a few times before handing it to me. Later, I would understand her look was one of skepticism. While I walked back to my desk, surprise stopped me short. 'I got a C?'”)

Organization

The story’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of how his parents influence him. (“Ever since I could remember, my generous mother and strong father have stressed the importance of education. As immigrants from South Korea, they have sacrificed and toiled to carve out a better life for my siblings and me. Whenever I complain about my schoolwork, my parents are quick to remind me of their perseverance. 'In Korea,' they tell us, 'we slaved away over our schoolwork.' Ultimately, I am reminded to study hard, listen in class, and do my best in school.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Two weeks later, I received another progress report, and to my great dismay, a big, scary 'D' stared up like a menacing glower. Confusion swept through me. How had I gone from a C to a D in reading so quickly? My cheeks flushed, and the urge to crumble up the paper took hold. Instead I went to my parents. My mom and dad love me, but I couldn't help feel fear and worry as I approached them in the kitchen. I held the progress report behind my back. My mom stood by the stove, stirring a stew in a pot. 'I have something to tell you,' I said. She looked up at me, and I revealed the grade.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing how parental advice affected the outcome of a tough problem. (“Finally morning came. Armed with my parents' advice, I went to my reading teacher and asked her about the grade and how to improve it. Like my mother and father, my teacher listened to me and made suggestions. Suddenly the day looked brighter and clearer. Thanks to my parent's guidance, I bounded through the rest of the afternoon knowing I had been able to face my problem rather than run from it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate conflict and how his parents' advice influenced a tough decision. (“ Immediately, my parents put aside what they were doing to sit me down at the kitchen table. With concern in their face and voices, they said, 'David, we want you to ask your reading teacher why you got this grade. More importantly, we want you to ask her how to improve the grade.' My parents spoke to me kindly but seriously. The smells of dinner wafted through the room, wrapping me a warm, comforting blanket. Soon enough I would be eating, growing full from the gestures of my parents love for me.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ How had I gone from a C to a D in reading so quickly? My cheeks flushed, and the urge to crumble up the paper took hold. Instead I went to my parents. My mom and dad love me, but I couldn't help feel fear and worry as I approached them in the kitchen. I held the progress report behind my back. My mom stood by the stove, stirring a stew in a pot. 'I have something to tell you,' I said. She looked up at me, and I revealed the grade.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the main character’s struggle and understand how his parents' advice made the problem easier to overcome. (“ Hours went by and the afternoon grew darker. In science class, progress reports were passed out. My science teacher looked at my progress report a few times before handing it to me. Later, I would understand her look was one of skepticism. While I walked back to my desk, surprise stopped me short. 'I got a C?' I said and gripped the paper between my hands, shaking it slightly. I realized then those two missing assignments had affected my grade. Two weeks later, I received another progress report, and to my great dismay, a big, scary 'D' stared up like a menacing glower. Confusion swept through me. How had I gone from a C to a D in reading so quickly? My cheeks flushed, and the urge to crumble up the paper took hold. Instead I went to my parents.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ 'How about these two?' she asked, pointing two time assignments.'You didn't give us our sheets,' I said, a little flustered. Suddenly the room felt hot and stifling. My stomach sank when I was told that I had to put it on a separate sheet of paper, but by then it was too late to make it up.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There are always times in our lives where we face a problem and we don't know what to do, but our parents are there advising us, helping us make the right decision. It was the day that our report cards were sent home and I had a D in math. I knew my parents would be very mad at me. I had finally gotten home and once I went through the door, my mom was already there waiting for me, asking me about my grades. My hands felt sweaty and I could hear my heart beating rapidly. I decided not to say anything and just hand my report card to her. As my mother looked at my grades, I was too scared to look up at her expression so I kept my head down. I was terrified of what was going to happen next. I felt like I just wanted to disappear at that moment.

It seemed as if I stood there with my head down for hours, finally I looked up. By the look on my mom's face, I knew she was very disappointed in me. I just marched to my room without a word, I didn't want to make my day even worse by getting my mom madder at me. Before I knew it, my dad was home and he had already found out about my grades. I felt like a lion's prey, having nowhere to run or hide. My parents decided that they wanted to talk to me, and so we were in the living room and they started talking. It was very quiet; the only noise was our voices echoing in the room. Once again, I felt my hands sweating and my heart beating fast. Was this nightmare ever going to end?

"Why do you have a D in math?" my dad asked sounding demanding and mad.

"I don't like math and it's hard." I quietly replied. My dad was the one doing the most talking here.

"Nothing is hard." He said like if he knew that as a fact.

"Math is hard." I replied, noticing my voice was getting a little bit louder and I could feel my face getting a red, like a tomato.

"Why do you say it's hard?" My dad calmly, but not too calmly, asked.

"Sometimes I don't understand it, and I don't like it. I'm not the best at it."

"No one is best at everything, you just have to keep trying and if you don't understand something then you have to ask for help. There will be many things in life that you won't like, but you have to accept it and give the best you can out of it. You just have to keep trying and not give up. Keep trying, for the next quarter I want you to have a better grade in math. Alright?"

"Yeah."

Finally, this "talk" was over. It wasn't so hard after all, I told myself although I still felt a little tense, but the hardest part was over now. I decided to listen to my dad and take his advice. I tried my best in math and asked help when I needed it, and before I knew it, we got our report cards, again.

I held my report card in my sweaty hands and finally, I took a peek at my grades. There were many things going on in my mind, like "what if my grades are bad again, I don't want to look at them." But, this time I was very proud of myself and eager to show my parents my grades. When I finally got home, I immediately showed my parents my grades and I could tell they were very proud of me.

"You see, I knew you could do it."

"Yes, and I'm very proud of myself."

My parents were right. All I needed to do was keep on trying and working hard. Now, every time that I think something is hard, or I feel that I can't accomplish something; I always remember this moment and what I learned from it. My parents made me realize that if you don't succeed, try again and never give up.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the narrative. A general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well-stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on how parental advice influenced a tough decision. (“There are always times in our lives where we face a problem and we don't know what to do, but our parents are there advising us, helping us make the right decision.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“Finally, this 'talk' was over. It wasn't so hard after all, I told myself although I still felt a little tense, but the hardest part was over now. I decided to listen to my dad and take his advice. I tried my best in math and asked help when I needed it, and before I knew it, we got our report cards, again.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides many details that support the conflict and how his/her parents’ advice influenced a decision. (“I felt like a lion's prey, having nowhere to run or hide. My parents decided that they wanted to talk to me, and so we were in the living room and they started talking. It was very quiet; the only noise was our voices echoing in the room. Once again, I felt my hands sweating and my heart beating fast. Was this nightmare ever going to end?”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. He/she introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as he/she wrestles with a tough decision and how the advice of his/her parents affects the final outcome. (“My parents decided that they wanted to talk to me, and so we were in the living room and they started talking. It was very quiet; the only noise was our voices echoing in the room. Once again, I felt my hands sweating and my heart beating fast. Was this nightmare ever going to end? 'Why do you have a D in math?' my dad asked sounding demanding and mad. 'I don't like math and it's hard.' I quietly replied.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ It seemed as if I stood there with my head down for hours, finally I looked up. By the look on my mom's face, I knew she was very disappointed in me. I just marched to my room without a word, I didn't want to make my day even worse by getting my mom madder at me. Before I knew it, my dad was home and he had already found out about my grades. I felt like a lion's prey, having nowhere to run or hide.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“It was the day that our report cards were sent home and I had a D in math. I knew my parents would be very mad at me. I had finally gotten home and once I went through the door, my mom was already there waiting for me, asking me about my grades. My hands felt sweaty and I could hear my heart beating rapidly. I decided not to say anything and just hand my report card to her. As my mother looked at my grades, I was too scared to look up at her expression so I kept my head down.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ There are always times in our lives where we face a problem and we don't know what to do, but our parents are there advising us, helping us make the right decision. It was the day that our report cards were sent home and I had a D in math.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ Finally, this 'talk' was over. It wasn't so hard after all, I told myself although I still felt a little tense, but the hardest part was over now. I decided to listen to my dad and take his advice. I tried my best in math and asked help when I needed it, and before I knew it, we got our report cards, again. I held my report card in my sweaty hands and finally, I took a peek at my grades. There were many things going on in my mind, like 'what if my grades are bad again, I don't want to look at them.' But, this time I was very proud of myself and eager to show my parents my grades. When I finally got home, I immediately showed my parents my grades and I could tell they were very proud of me.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ My parents were right. All I needed to do was keep on trying and working hard. Now, every time that I think something is hard, or I feel that I can't accomplish something; I always remember this moment and what I learned from it. My parents made me realize that if you don't succeed, try again and never give up.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ I had finally gotten home and once I went through the door, my mom was already there waiting for me, asking me about my grades. My hands felt sweaty and I could hear my heart beating rapidly. I decided not to say anything and just hand my report card to her. As my mother looked at my grades, I was too scared to look up at her expression so I kept my head down. I was terrified of what was going to happen next. I felt like I just wanted to disappear at that moment.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ I held my report card in my sweaty hands and finally, I took a peek at my grades. There were many things going on in my mind, like 'what if my grades are bad again, I don't want to look at them.' But, this time I was very proud of myself and eager to show my parents my grades. When I finally got home, I immediately showed my parents my grades and I could tell they were very proud of me. 'You see, I knew you could do it.' 'Yes, and I'm very proud of myself.' My parents were right. All I needed to do was keep on trying and working hard.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the conflict and how the parents’ influence affected the final outcome. (“ Once again, I felt my hands sweating and my heart beating fast. Was this nightmare ever going to end? 'Why do you have a D in math?' my dad asked sounding demanding and mad.

'I don't like math and it's hard.' I quietly replied. My dad was the one doing the most talking here. 'Nothing is hard.' He said like if he knew that as a fact. 'Math is hard.' I replied, noticing my voice was getting a little bit louder and I could feel my face getting a red, like a tomato.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ When I finally got home, I immediately showed my parents my grades and I could tell they were very proud of me. 'You see, I knew you could do it.' 'Yes, and I'm very proud of myself.' My parents were right. All I needed to do was keep on trying and working hard. Now, every time that I think something is hard, or I feel that I can't accomplish something; I always remember this moment and what I learned from it.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Parents seem like they want to torture us with their advice, and bore us with their ideas but they sometimes have some good things to say to us. When I faced a conflict, and my parents' advice affected my decision.

The basketball tryouts were coming up, and I was really excited for it. I love the game of basketball a lot. The only thing that bothered me about trying out for the team was my grades. Both of my parents expect me to have above-average grades in all of my subjects. I was worried that I might get stressed out and freak out in the middle of the season. That was something that I did not want to happen. I contemplated about my issue for a long period of time, but I had no idea what to do about my problem. I became very worried and confused.

One day, I came home from school looking very glum and upset. My mom asked why I was feeling down once I walked through the front door.

I replied, "Basketball tryouts are coming up and I want to tryout, but I am worried that I will not be able to keep my grades above the standard."

My mom advised, "You can tryout for the team and if your grades get low, we will take you off the team okay."

What my mom said seemed pointless, so I slowly walked downstairs remembering that I had a big project due, which made me feel worse.

Down in my room, I tried to concentrate on my problem. Then, one thought fluttered across the top of my brain. What if I joined the team, and have my parents take me off if my grades start to drop. I ran upstairs in joy and I told my mom my idea. She then told me that my idea I gave her was the advice she gave me earlier. I made a mental note to myself telling me to listen to my parents more often. I apologized to my mom for not listening to her in the first place. My mom found a solution to my problem, which made me happy.

To finish off, I really did face a conflict, and my parents' advice affected my decision. I really wanted to play basketball on the school team. I then realized that my grades might plummet off an edge during the season due to not having enough time to finish my work. My parents helped me make the best decision that I could have made in that situation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The main event of the story is adequately stated. (“The basketball tryouts were coming up, and I was really excited for it. I love the game of basketball a lot. The only thing that bothered me about trying out for the team was my grades. Both of my parents expect me to have above-average grades in all of my subjects. I was worried that I might get stressed out and freak out in the middle of the season.”)

The writer focuses on how his/her parents' advice affected a tough decision throughout the story. (“One day, I came home from school looking very glum and upset. My mom asked why I was feeling down once I walked through the front door. I replied, 'Basketball tryouts are coming up and I want to tryout, but I am worried that I will not be able to keep my grades above the standard.' My mom advised, 'You can tryout for the team and if your grades get low, we will take you off the team okay.'”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Down in my room, I tried to concentrate on my problem. Then, one thought fluttered across the top of my brain. What if I joined the team, and have my parents take me off if my grades start to drop. I ran upstairs in joy and I told my mom my idea. She then told me that my idea I gave her was the advice she gave me earlier. I made a mental note to myself telling me to listen to my parents more often. I apologized to my mom for not listening to her in the first place. My mom found a solution to my problem, which made me happy.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer's conflict and how a parent’s influence affected the tough decision holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

Use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“One day, I came home from school looking very glum and upset. My mom asked why I was feeling down once I walked through the front door. I replied, 'Basketball tryouts are coming up and I want to tryout, but I am worried that I will not be able to keep my grades above the standard.' My mom advised, 'You can tryout for the team and if your grades get low, we will take you off the team okay.'”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“The basketball tryouts were coming up, and I was really excited for it. I love the game of basketball a lot. The only thing that bothered me about trying out for the team was my grades. Both of my parents expect me to have above-average grades in all of my subjects. I was worried that I might get stressed out and freak out in the middle of the season. That was something that I did not want to happen. I contemplated about my issue for a long period of time, but I had no idea what to do about my problem. I became very worried and confused.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the character wrestles with the idea to play basketball on the school team but fears his/her grades will drop after joining the team. (“To finish off, I really did face a conflict, and my parents' advice affected my decision. I really wanted to play basketball on the school team. I then realized that my grades might plummet off an edge during the season due to not having enough time to finish my work.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing how a parent's influence affected a tough decision. (“ Parents seem like they want to torture us with their advice, and bore us with their ideas but they sometimes have some good things to say to us. When I faced a conflict, and my parents' advice affected my decision.”)

The writer adequately uses effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“One day, I came home from school looking very glum and upset. My mom asked why I was feeling down once I walked through the front door. I replied, 'Basketball tryouts are coming up and I want to tryout, but I am worried that I will not be able to keep my grades above the standard.' My mom advised, 'You can tryout for the team and if your grades get low, we will take you off the team okay.' What my mom said seemed pointless, so I slowly walked downstairs remembering that I had a big project due, which made me feel worse. Down in my room, I tried to concentrate on my problem. Then, one thought fluttered across the top of my brain.”)

The ending states a lesson the writer learned after completing the story. (“ To finish off, I really did face a conflict, and my parents' advice affected my decision. I really wanted to play basketball on the school team. I then realized that my grades might plummet off an edge during the season due to not having enough time to finish my work. My parents helped me make the best decision that I could have made in that situation.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I made a mental note to myself telling me to listen to my parents more often. I apologized to my mom for not listening to her in the first place. My mom found a solution to my problem, which made me happy.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes how a parent influenced a tough decision. (“ I then realized that my grades might plummet off an edge during the season due to not having enough time to finish my work.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ Down in my room, I tried to concentrate on my problem. Then, one thought fluttered across the top of my brain. What if I joined the team, and have my parents take me off if my grades start to drop. I ran upstairs in joy and I told my mom my idea.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My parents are very influential in my life as a teenager. They help me get through almost anything. One thing that I appreciate the most is when I was afraid to go to the doctor.

I was 5 years old when I first learned what the doctors will do to you. I read this book that said many bad things about the doctors office. The day before, I told my mom that I thought the doctor will kill. She laughed and said the doctor is only trying to help me, not kill me! I eased up a little and got ready for school the next day. At school on of the boys in my class went to the doctors the day before and said he hurt him. The rest of the day I felt like I was going to be sick. After school my mom picked me up to go the dreaded doctors office.

In the car I confessed to my mom that I did not want to go to the doctor's office. When we parked she hugged me and said every thing is going to be alright. That made me fell allot better. In the waiting room I watched power rangers. I did not want to go in there but I knew I had to. Once I saw the doctor he checked my heart rate and put a stick in my mouth. I thought to my self "So far so good". Then I felt him rubbing a weird smelling substance on my arm. I asked "What is that "In a nervous voice. He said he was going to make me healthy. Then I saw a needle. Before I could scream to my mom it was over. "That was nothing"! I said in a excited voice. He gave me a lolli pop and said I could go home. I hugged my mom and got in to the car. That is how my mom helped me get over my fear for the doctor. My mom continues to influence my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Limited descriptions and details are provided that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The main event of the story is stated in a very limited way. (“My parents are very influential in my life as a teenager. They help me get through almost anything.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses limited details on the conflict and how his/her parents influenced the decision. (“He said he was going to make me healthy. Then I saw a needle. Before I could scream to my mom it was over. 'That was nothing'! I said in a excited voice. He gave me a lolli pop and said I could go home. I hugged my mom and got in to the car. That is how my mom helped me get over my fear for the doctor. My mom continues to influence my life.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. The writer presents the conflict and the advice that affected the decision, but he/she should provide additional details. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“In the car I confessed to my mom that I did not want to go to the doctor's office. When we parked she hugged me and said every thing is going to be alright. That made me fell allot better. In the waiting room I watched power rangers.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The story reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters. It also lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character’s conflict and the parents' advice that affected a tough decision. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events. (“Once I saw the doctor he checked my heart rate and put a stick in my mouth. I thought to my self 'So far so good'. Then I felt him rubbing a weird smelling substance on my arm. I asked 'What is that 'In a nervous voice. He said he was going to make me healthy. Then I saw a needle. Before I could scream to my mom it was over. 'That was nothing'! I said in a excited voice. He gave me a lolli pop and said I could go home.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces supporting characters into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“Once I saw the doctor he checked my heart rate and put a stick in my mouth.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share characters’ thoughts. (“The day before, I told my mom that I thought the doctor will kill. She laughed and said the doctor is only trying to help me, not kill me!”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but they may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. (“ My parents are very influential in my life as a teenager. They help me get through almost anything. One thing that I appreciate the most is when I was afraid to go to the doctor.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the story. (“ The day before, I told my mom that I thought the doctor will kill. She laughed and said the doctor is only trying to help me, not kill me! I eased up a little and got ready for school the next day. At school on of the boys in my class went to the doctors the day before and said he hurt him. The rest of the day I felt like I was going to be sick. After school my mom picked me up to go the dreaded doctors office.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ That is how my mom helped me get over my fear for the doctor. My mom continues to influence my life.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ Then I saw a needle.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences in the paragraph.

(“ In the car I confessed to my mom that I did not want to go to the doctor's office. When we parked she hugged me and said every thing is going to be alright. That made me fell allot better. In the waiting room I watched power rangers.”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I was 5 years old when I first learned what the doctors will do to you. I read this book that said many bad things about the doctors office.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in the narrative. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. He/she should also indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“That made me fell allot better. In the waiting room I watched power rangers.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

When I Came from school and went to do my housework then I came up to a math problem so I needed help.I went to my parents room and I asked my mom if she could help my in the problem, she said not right you need my advice goes ask your dad, he said not right I'm busy go ask your sister.I went to my sister's room I told her if she could help my whit this problem she said no I'm doing something important I talking on the phone.

I had no won to turn to so I called won of my friends Stephanie when she picked the phone I said immediately I said my mom does not want to help my on a math problem nor my dad or my sister can you help my Stephanie she said no but you could go and tell your parents if they are not busy any more.I hanged up the phone and went back to my parents and asked them I need advice I told my parents I need advice from you okay my dad sade what do you need help with.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The main event of the story is minimally stated. (“When I Came from school and went to do my housework then I came up to a math problem so I needed help.”)

The writer does not maintain sufficient focus on supporting ideas to give readers a true sense of how his/her parents' advice affected a decision. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I hanged up the phone and went back to my parents and asked them I need advice I told my parents I need advice from you okay my dad sade what do you need help with.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I went to my parents room and I asked my mom if she could help my in the problem, she said not right you need my advice goes ask your dad, he said not right I'm busy go ask your sister.I went to my sister's room I told her if she could help my whit this problem she said no I'm doing something important I talking on the phone.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks the tension or conflict needed to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses how a parent's advice influenced a decision, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“…Stephanie she said no but you could go and tell your parents if they are not busy any more.I hanged up the phone and went back to my parents and asked them I need advice I told my parents I need advice from you okay my dad sade what do you need help with.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe characters in any way. (“I went to my parents room and I asked my mom if she could help my in the problem”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“…I asked my mom if she could help my in the problem, she said not right you need my advice goes ask your dad, he said not right I'm busy…”)

Organization

Organization is minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the story demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the story. (“ When I Came from school and went to do my housework then I came up to a math problem so I needed help.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ I went to my parents room and I asked my mom if she could help my in the problem, she said not right you need my advice goes ask your dad, he said not right I'm busy go ask your sister.I went to my sister's room I told her if she could help my whit this problem she said no I'm doing something important I talking on the phone.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal ending. He/she fails to reveal insightful lessons learned through the experiences in the story and does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ I hanged up the phone and went back to my parents and asked them I need advice I told my parents I need advice from you okay my dad sade what do you need help with.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The story also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the narrative with understanding. (“ I hanged up the phone and went back to my parents and asked them I need advice I told my parents I need advice from you okay my dad sade what do you need help with.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events. (“ I went to my sister's room I told her if she could help my whit this problem she said no I'm doing something important I talking on the phone.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ I went to my parents room and I asked my mom if she could help my in the problem, she said not right you need my advice goes ask your dad, he said not right I'm busy go ask your sister.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“I had no won to turn to so I called won of my friends Stephanie when she picked the phone I said immediately I said my mom does not want to help my on a math problem nor my dad or my sister can you help my Stephanie she said no but you could go and tell your parents if they are not busy any more.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My best influence from my parents was to always do your best. They always tell me to always do by best . Like in a test. If i fail a math test, and i get a C- then they tell me " Do the bets you can to get that C- to a B+ of a A+. Then I try my best. Then I get a B+ On my math test. They also tell me that when I am failing

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The writer does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme. (“ My best influence from my parents was to always do your best.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“Then I try my best. Then I get a B+ On my math test. They also tell me that when I am failing”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“They always tell me to always do by best .”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene. (“ If i fail a math test, and i get a C- then they tell me " Do the bets you can to get that C- to a B+ of a A+.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“My best influence from my parents was to always do your best.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“Then I try my best. Then I get a B+ On my math test.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the story is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, how a parent's advice influenced a decision. (“ My best influence from my parents was to always do your best.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events. (“ Then I try my best. Then I get a B+ On my math test.”)

The writer does not include an identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ They also tell me that when I am failing”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ 'Do the bets you can to get that C- to a B+ of a A+.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ If i fail a math test, and i get a C- then they tell me 'Do the bets you can to get that C- to a B+ of a A+.”)

The writer does not reflect style in the narrative in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“'Do the bets you can to get that C- to a B+ of a A+. Then I try my best. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“If i fail a math test, and i get a C- then they tell me…”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“A Retrieved Reformation” by O. Henry

The short story "A Retrieved Reformation" ends with a twist when the safecracker, Jimmy Valentine, attempts to leave the bank. What do you think should happen next in the story?

Write a story in which you tell what happens next to the character Jimmy Valentine. What do you think his life is like? What kinds of choices do you think he'll make in the future?

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was a nice, warm, breezy day in Elmore when young Jack Spencer suddenly heard a knock on the door. At first, he was reluctant to open it, but then he saw Ben Price smiling at the threshold with something in his hand.

"Is anybody home?" shouted Ben as he kept knocking.

Just a few minutes later, the lad and the old man were talking about his father, Ralph Spencer, also known as the notorious bank robber, Jimmy Valentine. Ben had been asking Jack about his family and life so far until the question popped up.

"How long have you known my father, Mr. Price?" asked Jack.

"Well, I've definitely known him for quite a while. We weren't always friends like now. I used to hunt him down until that day he saved your cousin Agatha," replied Ben.

Jack's green eyes started to have a shine as he was learning more about his father's past."She was always nice around Father, but we never knew why."

"Well my boy, it is quite a long story if not a good one, but we've got time. Believe me, if you will, your father was actually an internationally renowned bank robber."

The boy had a queer look on his face; he was shocked, confused, and excited all at the same time. Ben Price himself was hyped-up, but it hurt his old bones to get too jumpy and jittery. It's been twenty years since that incident at Springfield and nothing's been the same since Jimmy's heroic act.

"He used to go by the name of Jimmy Valentine, tall, lean, and handsome he was- just like you today. Ralph had just been released from prison and he almost immediately started back to bank robbing; so much was taken from the banks that I had to investigate the case and snuff him out. Basically, he went to this town here, and when he met your mother, he was put into a trance and turned straight. One day, your cousin was locked up in your grandfather's vault and your father happened to have his tools with him and opened the safe to save your cousin."

Jack was in fact very athletic and was the envy of most boys in school, but now he looked like he was having spasms of shock running through his spine and seemed a bit weird. Ben, on the other hand, was reminiscing of the old days. Jack's friends had come by a few minutes earlier and were now shouting out to him so he excused himself and ran out, leaving Ben to his thoughts.

Ben looked as if he were really deep in thought as he didn't tell Jack the story of what happened after Jimmy was married and quit the art of burglary. It had just been two years since Jimmy married Annabel Adams and life was treating the couple well; they had money, they were loved by the town, and they didn't even have a single cell of sickness in their bodies. One day, Ben Price came by with some government business and also to have a chat with his good old friend.

"Hello there Ralph, how's life coming along in this small town?" asked Ben.

"Ah, hello my old friend, and it's quite nice here. I like it," replied Jimmy.

"Well, I've come by to propose a deal. I know that you've still got it in you and we need someone of your expertise to help us design a new security system to stop burglary across the nation."

"Who exactly is 'we'? I've got to stay and support my wife and my store."

"Well, I'll tell you later, but we have everything covered. Your father-in-law has agreed to take in his daughter again while you are off on a long business trip and we've hired trained professionals to take care of your store."

"I see. Well how can I help you then, Mr. Price?" replied a shocked Jimmy Valentine.

"I want you to come with me to New York and work with the United States Secretary of Defense. You see my friend, this is an important job and don't worry, you will be paid more than enough for your services to the country."

Relieved, knowing that his family and business would be safe, Jimmy willingly went with Ben Price to New York to meet with the elite national defense team. The plan was to build a whole new vault equipped against safecrackers; it would be made with a reinforced steel-concrete wall, leading to a small room 4 feet long, 4 feet high (made with highly resonant bronze plates) and lastly something to protect the contents, which was Jimmy's job. The idea was to stop the burglars as the drills wouldn't make it far into the steel-concrete and if they did, the Bronze Room would alert the bank tellers by echoing the noise and the low-friction floors would further slow down the thieves. Everything was set, but the system wouldn't be tested for another 5 months when a series of bank robberies occurred.

His name is Paul Piquerro, a dangerous thief from the Philippines , that was starting to test his skill on American vaults. He had the build of a professional swimmer, the strength of a mighty bull, the clever wits of a fox, and a trained mind. Just as Jimmy Valentine had the finest tools in the West, Paul possessed the finest tools in the East. His next target was the bank in which Jimmy was caught in first, the Springfield City Bank.

"We have pinned P.P. down; he'll strike in Springfield at 19:00 hours. Luckily the bank has installed the new vault there and he'll be our test rat. We don't know how good he really is so I've ordered men to surround the building once he enters," said Ben.

"We'll see, and if he makes it far enough, he'll hit my special surprise and our mission will be complete," replied Jimmy.

That night, Paul had slipped into the building without noticing the troops of men hiding in the bushes. He had it lucky too, the tellers forgot to lock the outside part of the vault and he slipped in straight to the Bronze Room. There, he easily went on all fours to the second door and he easily broke through with his drill and clamps. Once the door was opened, he faced spikes jutting out from a third door and tried to think of a way through when the rogue-catchers ran in and tied Paul down as Ben Price walked in and officially arrested the man. Having the knowledge of what a burglar's tools can do, Jimmy knew that the first two defenses would be passed easily and placed an impossible obstacle in case. The spikes were connected to a mechanism that would be retracted with the turn of a key, which could be inserted on the right side of the wall.

Jimmy's ingenuity had created an almost impenetrable security system and he had gained international fame as Ralph Spencer: shoe store owner and America 's leading security system designer. Rather than going back to bank robbing, he used his knowledge to prevent further robbery from anyone and ensured banks their future safety. With that thought passed, Ben left Jack's house to go back to his own home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is demonstrated very effectively. The writer provides background information so readers understand Jimmy Valentine’s previous life and how it had changed once he met his love, Annabel. (“ ’He used to go by the name of Jimmy Valentine, tall, lean, and handsome he was- just like you today. Ralph had just been released from prison and he almost immediately started back to bank robbing; so much was taken from the banks that I had to investigate the case and snuff him out. Basically, he went to this town here, and when he met your mother, he was put into a trance and turned straight. One day, your cousin was locked up in your grandfather's vault and your father happened to have his tools with him and opened the safe to save your cousin.’”)

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer artfully communicates through a combination of description and dialogue, what happens to Jimmy Valentine after the day at the bank vault, and how his life is different from that moment on. (“Relieved, knowing that his family and business would be safe, Jimmy willingly went with Ben Price to New York to meet with the elite national defense team. The plan was to build a whole new vault equipped against safecrackers; it would be made with a reinforced steel-concrete wall, leading to a small room 4 feet long, 4 feet high (made with highly resonant bronze plates) and lastly something to protect the contents, which was Jimmy's job. The idea was to stop the burglars as the drills wouldn't make it far into the steel-concrete and if they did, the Bronze Room would alert the bank tellers by echoing the noise and the low-friction floors would further slow down the thieves.”)

The audience for the story is thoroughly understood. The writer introduces characters who discuss Jimmy Valentine, all the while informing the readers of the past, present, and future of Jimmy Valentine. By using the memories of the now older Ben Price, readers relive the life and times of Jimmy Valentine from his younger days as a bank robber, to his older days as a consultant for the U.S. government. (“ Jimmy's ingenuity had created an almost impenetrable security system and he had gained international fame as Ralph Spencer: shoe store owner and America 's leading security system designer. Rather than going back to bank robbing, he used his knowledge to prevent further robbery from anyone and ensured banks their future safety. With that thought passed, Ben left Jack's house to go back to his own home.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. There is a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting, and the writer creates complex characters that are all connected through the main character, Jimmy Valentine. The writer clearly establishes a timeline of events from the past, to the present, and to the future through recollections of a secondary character, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what happens in the story. Additionally, dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters are developed in very effective detail. (“His name is Paul Piquerro, a dangerous thief from the Philippines , that was starting to test his skill on American vaults. He had the build of a professional swimmer, the strength of a mighty bull, the clever wits of a fox, and a trained mind. Just as Jimmy Valentine had the finest tools in the West, Paul possessed the finest tools in the East. His next target was the bank in which Jimmy was caught in first, the Springfield City Bank.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed very effectively. (“’How long have you known my father, Mr. Price?’ asked Jack. ‘Well, I've definitely known him for quite a while. We weren't always friends like now. I used to hunt him down until that day he saved your cousin Agatha,’ replied Ben.

Jack's green eyes started to have a shine as he was learning more about his father's past.’She was always nice around Father, but we never knew why.’ ‘Well my boy, it is quite a long story if not a good one, but we've got time. Believe me, if you will, your father was actually an internationally renowned bank robber.’”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. As Ben Price relives moments with Jimmy in his mind, readers get a clear look at how Jimmy’s life of crime was transformed into a life that contributed to the good of the community. (“’We have pinned P.P. down; he'll strike in Springfield at 19:00 hours. Luckily the bank has installed the new vault there and he'll be our test rat. We don't know how good he really is so I've ordered men to surround the building once he enters,’ said Ben. ‘We'll see, and if he makes it far enough, he'll hit my special surprise and our mission will be complete,’ replied Jimmy. That night, Paul had slipped into the building without noticing the troops of men hiding in the bushes. He had it lucky too, the tellers forgot to lock the outside part of the vault and he slipped in straight to the Bronze Room. There, he easily went on all fours to the second door and he easily broke through with his drill and clamps. Once the door was opened, he faced spikes jutting out from a third door and tried to think of a way through when the rogue-catchers ran in and tied Paul down as Ben Price walked in and officially arrested the man. Having the knowledge of what a burglar's tools can do, Jimmy knew that the first two defenses would be passed easily and placed an impossible obstacle in case. The spikes were connected to a mechanism that would be retracted with the turn of a key, which could be inserted on the right side of the wall.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story with a conversation between Ben Price and Jimmy Valentine’s young son. The story flows very smoothly with transitions that support sequential development. The writer includes an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab readers’ attention by using dialogue between Ben Price and Jimmy Valentine’s son, Jack Spencer. The conversation between these two characters leads readers to wonder why Ben is visiting, how much Jack knows about his father’s previous lifestyle, and how much Ben is willing to tell him about his father’s days of crime. (“’Is anybody home?’shouted Ben as he kept knocking. Just a few minutes later, the lad and the old man were talking about his father, Ralph Spencer, also known as the notorious bank robber, Jimmy Valentine. Ben had been asking Jack about his family and life so far until the question popped up. ‘How long have you known my father, Mr. Price?’ asked Jack. ‘Well, I've definitely known him for quite a while. We weren't always friends like now. I used to hunt him down until that day he saved your cousin Agatha,’ replied Ben. Jack's green eyes started to have a shine as he was learning more about his father's past.’She was always nice around Father, but we never knew why.’”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Relieved, knowing that his family and business would be safe, Jimmy willingly went with Ben Price to New York to meet with the elite national defense team. The plan was to build a whole new vault equipped against safecrackers; it would be made with a reinforced steel-concrete wall, leading to a small room 4 feet long, 4 feet high (made with highly resonant bronze plates) and lastly something to protect the contents, which was Jimmy's job.”)

The ending very effectively concludes the story by summarizing what ultimately happened to Jimmy Valentine and his life after the event in the bank vault. The writer’s use of memories on the part of Jimmy’s nemesis and now friend, Ben Price, is clever and interesting. (“Jimmy's ingenuity had created an almost impenetrable security system and he had gained international fame as Ralph Spencer: shoe store owner and America 's leading security system designer. Rather than going back to bank robbing, he used his knowledge to prevent further robbery from anyone and ensured banks their future safety. With that thought passed, Ben left Jack's house to go back to his own home.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the essay response. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer incorporates the use of well-structured and varied sentences to enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The language and tone of the narrative invite readers to continue reading to discover what Ben Price will reminisce about his old friend, Jimmy Valentine. As he remembers, readers learn what has become of the ex-bank robber. (“ Ben, on the other hand, was reminiscing of the old days. Jack's friends had come by a few minutes earlier and were now shouting out to him so he excused himself and ran out, leaving Ben to his thoughts. Ben looked as if he were really deep in thought as he didn't tell Jack the story of what happened after Jimmy was married and quit the art of burglary. It had just been two years since Jimmy married Annabel Adams and life was treating the couple well; they had money, they were loved by the town, and they didn't even have a single cell of sickness in their bodies. One day, Ben Price came by with some government business and also to have a chat with his good old friend.”)

The writer effectively incorporates the use of conversations between characters to reveal information about what happened to Jimmy Valentine during his early life and what his life was like after the incident in the bank vault. The writer’s word choices give voice to the narrative. Readers feel nostalgic right alongside Ben Price. (“ Ben Price himself was hyped-up, but it hurt his old bones to get too jumpy and jittery. It's been twenty years since that incident at Springfield and nothing's been the same since Jimmy's heroic act. ‘He used to go by the name of Jimmy Valentine, tall, lean, and handsome he was- just like you today. Ralph had just been released from prison and he almost immediately started back to bank robbing; so much was taken from the banks that I had to investigate the case and snuff him out. Basically, he went to this town here, and when he met your mother, he was put into a trance and turned straight. One day, your cousin was locked up in your grandfather's vault and your father happened to have his tools with him and opened the safe to save your cousin.’”)

The writer employs a variety of sentences into the narrative, which add to the style and flow of the story. (“ ’I see. Well how can I help you then, Mr. Price?’ replied a shocked Jimmy Valentine. ‘I want you to come with me to New York and work with the United States Secretary of Defense. You see my friend, this is an important job and don't worry, you will be paid more than enough for your services to the country.’ Relieved, knowing that his family and business would be safe, Jimmy willingly went with Ben Price to New York to meet with the elite national defense team. The plan was to build a whole new vault equipped against safecrackers; it would be made with a reinforced steel-concrete wall, leading to a small room 4 feet long, 4 feet high (made with highly resonant bronze plates) and lastly something to protect the contents, which was Jimmy's job. The idea was to stop the burglars as the drills wouldn't make it far into the steel-concrete and if they did, the Bronze Room would alert the bank tellers by echoing the noise and the low-friction floors would further slow down the thieves. Everything was set, but the system wouldn't be tested for another 5 months when a series of bank robberies occurred.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has appropriate punctuation, and spelling of chosen words is correct. (“ The boy had a queer look on his face; he was shocked, confused, and excited all at the same time. Ben Price himself was hyped-up, but it hurt his old bones to get too jumpy and jittery. It's been twenty years since that incident at Springfield and nothing's been the same since Jimmy's heroic act.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Jimmy Valentine now settled down with a flourishing business in Elmore and married Annabel. Slowly accumulating prestige and wealth, Jimmy became a proprietor. Now he was one of the wealthier people in the small and remote town. Jimmy enjoyed life without crime and investigators gaping at his heels. He finds that he enjoys an honest living. Yet with all these worldly comforts, his dream of the Wild West still lives on in his ever active mind. Each day, he ponders the possibilities of leaving Elmore for a more adventurous, if not luxurious, life. Revealing this to his beloved wife was the most difficult challenge. His wife, unlike her restless husband, liked to be nicely settled down with a steady income. Eventually Jimmy, with his charismatic nature, would persuade the floundering woman to leave with him.

Before Annabel knew it, Jimmy had packed away their belongings and had sold all their property and was ready to leave. Unlike the eagerness of her husband, Annabel was dragging her feet slowly. Whether Jimmy liked it or not, she enjoyed the presence of everybody in Elmore. Taking her last look at the little town, she boarded a train that would take her away from her home, most likely, forever. Dozing on the seat of the train, the couple drifted off to a dreamless sleep accompanied by the rocking of the train. Waking up, the two people found themselves in an unfamiliar landscape in complete contrast to what they were used to. The once cool weather and the protection of being surrounded by buildings was suddenly replaced and revealed to be what seemed like unending openness and a dry, arid heat.

A hot desert wind blew across and irritated Annabel with dusty sand blown in from the desert. The door opened and a overseer stepped in. "You folks used to this weather?" the man asked. Annabel and Jimmy shook their heads in unison. "Then you'd better get used to it; it's all you're going to see if you plan to stay West." Annabel looked despairingly at Jimmy. Jimmy even seemed a little startled himself. This was certainly a hindering predicament. "Now, my good man, would you happen to know where the mildest climate would be located?" inquired Jimmy. The overseer scoffed at Jimmy. "You want mild climate in the West! You should have stayed in the East where you came from, if I'm not mistaken." Though Jimmy thought he controlled his emotions well, the toddler in the next row of seats would have asked why he was white as a ghost, if his mother had not stopped him. His "adventurous" life was not panning out well. Speechless, Jimmy sat still.

The first few months of life were hard for the couple. The sweltering heat boiled up their tempers and more often than not, Jimmy was arguing with Annabel. Money was also hard to come by, people in the West were here for opportunities and most of them were poor. Jimmy, being an unwavering gentleman, refused the rough work of cowboys which was the main economy of that time. Soon Jimmy was pressed with a decision. "Annabel, back before I met you and moved to Elmore I was a bank robber." Jimmy let out gently. Still Annabel went white and ran to their only room and slammed the door. The desperate man put his head into his hands and moaned himself to sleep. The next morning Jimmy woke up with Annabel making breakfast. The two of them ate together with tight lips and finished silently. That was when Jimmy took out a wad of cash.

"Annabel, yesterday I went as far as I could from our house and I safe cracked the bank in town. I know it was desperate and wrong, but we have no other choice. Please believe me." Jimmy said. Annabel's face hardened to rock and she ran out the door. Before Jimmy could do anything, she was gone. Trying to believe it was a dream for comfort's sake, Jimmy stayed where he was. Unfortunately, reality was reality, and Jimmy couldn't find Annabel and Annabel didn't come back.

A month later a woman was seen in the courtyard over a grave stone that read:

Jimmy Valentine

Former Safecracker

Forever Changed and Died of Grief

The woman knelt and wept, her arms sprawled on the gravestone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits good focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. In classic narrative fashion, the writer reveals details slowly to keep readers interested in finding out what happens to the characters throughout the course of the story.

In the beginning of the story, the writer introduces the main characters and where they are in their lives in the present. The writer alludes to the old life Jimmy had and reveals Jimmy’s restlessness for something more than a businessman’s lifestyle. In dropping these subtle clues, the writer keeps readers reading in a quest to know how the characters will resolve their conflicts within themselves and with each other. (“Jimmy Valentine now settled down with a flourishing business in Elmore and married Annabel. Slowly accumulating prestige and wealth, Jimmy became a proprietor. Now he was one of the wealthier people in the small and remote town. Jimmy enjoyed life without crime and investigators gaping at his heels. He finds that he enjoys an honest living. Yet with all these worldly comforts, his dream of the Wild West still lives on in his ever active mind. Each day, he ponders the possibilities of leaving Elmore for a more adventurous, if not luxurious, life. Revealing this to his beloved wife was the most difficult challenge. His wife, unlike her restless husband, liked to be nicely settled down with a steady income. Eventually Jimmy, with his charismatic nature, would persuade the floundering woman to leave with him.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer relates all the activities in the narrative to the prompt task. The story provides details about Jimmy’s life after robbing banks and draws a clear picture of the struggles he experiences trying to adjust to an honest way of living. (“ The first few months of life were hard for the couple. The sweltering heat boiled up their tempers and more often than not, Jimmy was arguing with Annabel. Money was also hard to come by, people in the West were here for opportunities and most of them were poor. Jimmy, being an unwavering gentleman, refused the rough work of cowboys which was the main economy of that time.”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed effectively. The writer describes Jimmy’s new home out West in good detail. By doing so, readers can feel the heat, humidity, and rising temperatures, not only in the setting, but also in the characters themselves. (“ A hot desert wind blew across and irritated Annabel with dusty sand blown in from the desert. The door opened and a overseer stepped in. ‘You folks used to this weather?’the man asked. Annabel and Jimmy shook their heads in unison. ‘Then you'd better get used to it; it's all you're going to see if you plan to stay West.’ Annabel looked despairingly at Jimmy. Jimmy even seemed a little startled himself. This was certainly a hindering predicament. ‘Now, my good man, would you happen to know where the mildest climate would be located?’ inquired Jimmy. The overseer scoffed at Jimmy. ‘You want mild climate in the West! You should have stayed in the East where you came from, if I'm not mistaken.’”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of events in the essay. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The writer establishes relevant tension and conflict in the story, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen next. Additionally, dialogue is used effectively to reveal each character’s thoughts.

Specific details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“Before Annabel knew it, Jimmy had packed away their belongings and had sold all their property and was ready to leave. Unlike the eagerness of her husband, Annabel was dragging her feet slowly. Whether Jimmy liked it or not, she enjoyed the presence of everybody in Elmore. Taking her last look at the little town, she boarded a train that would take her away from her home, most likely, forever. Dozing on the seat of the train, the couple drifted off to a dreamless sleep accompanied by the rocking of the train. Waking up, the two people found themselves in an unfamiliar landscape in complete contrast to what they were used to. The once cool weather and the protection of being surrounded by buildings was suddenly replaced and revealed to be what seemed like unending openness and a dry, arid heat.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed effectively. (“ ’Annabel, yesterday I went as far as I could from our house and I safe cracked the bank in town. I know it was desperate and wrong, but we have no other choice. Please believe me.’ Jimmy said. Annabel's face hardened to rock and she ran out the door. Before Jimmy could do anything, she was gone.”)

Details effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. (“The first few months of life were hard for the couple. The sweltering heat boiled up their tempers and more often than not, Jimmy was arguing with Annabel. Money was also hard to come by, people in the West were here for opportunities and most of them were poor. Jimmy, being an unwavering gentleman, refused the rough work of cowboys which was the main economy of that time. Soon Jimmy was pressed with a decision. ‘Annabel, back before I met you and moved to Elmore I was a bank robber.’ Jimmy let out gently. Still Annabel went white and ran to their only room and slammed the door. The desperate man put his head into his hands and moaned himself to sleep. The next morning Jimmy woke up with Annabel making breakfast. The two of them ate together with tight lips and finished silently. That was when Jimmy took out a wad of cash.”)

Organization

The organization of content is good in the essay response. The opening of the story entices readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective, subtle transitions that support sequential development. The ending of the narrative provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with details about Jimmy’s life as it is in the present, alluding to the way it was in the past, and revealing the restlessness the main character is feeling as the story begins. (“ Jimmy Valentine now settled down with a flourishing business in Elmore and married Annabel. Slowly accumulating prestige and wealth, Jimmy became a proprietor. Now he was one of the wealthier people in the small and remote town. Jimmy enjoyed life without crime and investigators gaping at his heels. He finds that he enjoys an honest living. Yet with all these worldly comforts, his dream of the Wild West still lives on in his ever active mind. Each day, he ponders the possibilities of leaving Elmore for a more adventurous, if not luxurious, life.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ Before Annabel knew it, Jimmy had packed away their belongings and had sold all their property and was ready to leave. Unlike the eagerness of her husband, Annabel was dragging her feet slowly. Whether Jimmy liked it or not, she enjoyed the presence of everybody in Elmore. Taking her last look at the little town, she boarded a train that would take her away from her home, most likely, forever.”)

The story includes an effective and poignant ending. (“ Before Jimmy could do anything, she was gone. Trying to believe it was a dream for comfort's sake, Jimmy stayed where he was. Unfortunately, reality was reality, and Jimmy couldn't find Annabel and Annabel didn't come back. A month later a woman was seen in the courtyard over a grave stone that read: Jimmy Valentine Former Safecracker Forever Changed and Died of Grief. The woman knelt and wept, her arms sprawled on the gravestone.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is good. The writer demonstrates more sophisticated language and word choice with good evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. By incorporating well-structured sentences with variety , the writer effectively conveys a story that readers can appreciate and enjoy.

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay response. The writer’s word choices describe a character who is conflicted, and the tone plays out to the very end. (“ The first few months of life were hard for the couple. The sweltering heat boiled up their tempers and more often than not, Jimmy was arguing with Annabel. Money was also hard to come by, people in the West were here for opportunities and most of them were poor. Jimmy, being an unwavering gentleman, refused the rough work of cowboys which was the main economy of that time. Soon Jimmy was pressed with a decision. ‘Annabel, back before I met you and moved to Elmore I was a bank robber.’ Jimmy let out gently. Still Annabel went white and ran to their only room and slammed the door. The desperate man put his head into his hands and moaned himself to sleep.”)

The writer succeeds in using a strong voice to convey not only the tension and conflict experienced by the main character, Jimmy Valentine, but also the conflict experienced by his wife. (“ His wife, unlike her restless husband, liked to be nicely settled down with a steady income. Eventually Jimmy, with his charismatic nature, would persuade the floundering woman to leave with him. Before Annabel knew it, Jimmy had packed away their belongings and had sold all their property and was ready to leave. Unlike the eagerness of her husband, Annabel was dragging her feet slowly. Whether Jimmy liked it or not, she enjoyed the presence of everybody in Elmore. Taking her last look at the little town, she boarded a train that would take her away from her home, most likely, forever.”)

The writer provides a wide variety of well-structured sentences that allow the details of the story to unfold in an effective way. (“ A hot desert wind blew across and irritated Annabel with dusty sand blown in from the desert. The door opened and a overseer stepped in. ‘You folks used to this weather?’ the man asked. Annabel and Jimmy shook their heads in unison. ‘Then you'd better get used to it; it's all you're going to see if you plan to stay West.’ Annabel looked despairingly at Jimmy. Jimmy even seemed a little startled himself. This was certainly a hindering predicament. ‘Now, my good man, would you happen to know where the mildest climate would be located?’ inquired Jimmy. The overseer scoffed at Jimmy. ‘You want mild climate in the West! You should have stayed in the East where you came from, if I'm not mistaken.’ Though Jimmy thought he controlled his emotions well, the toddler in the next row of seats would have asked why he was white as a ghost, if his mother had not stopped him. His ‘adventurous’ life was not panning out well. Speechless, Jimmy sat still.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer displays good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer ensures that sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences are indented when new paragraphs begin, sentences begin with capital letters, and word choices are spelled and used correctly. (“ Slowly accumulating prestige and wealth, Jimmy became a proprietor. Now he was one of the wealthier people in the small and remote town. Jimmy enjoyed life without crime and investigators gaping at his heels. He finds that he enjoys an honest living.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Hello, Mr. Valentine," Ben said as he and Jimmy walked into an empty room.

"Hello, Ben," Jimmy says not knowing what happened back there. "I've violated my parole, shouldn't you arrest me?"

"No," Ben said calmly, "I won't arrest you because I know that deep in your heart, that you are a good man."

"How do you know that I am good and that I have changed from robbing banks to living a fair and honest life?" asked Jimmy while grinning. "I saved one little girl. That doesn't mean I have changed my style of living, because I could just go back to robbing banks and quit loving Annabel."

"I know you won't do that Valentine, because I've intercepted the letter that you wrote to your friend saying that you will give away your valuable thief tools. You've opened a shoe store that is prospering and that tells me you won't rob any more banks. You have the money from your store and if you go back to robbing banks, you will break Annabel's heart." "Now that I told you, I suggest that you live a life without crime. If you don't, you know what the consequences are."

After Ben said that, he immediately left without looking at Jimmy. A few seconds after that, Annabel quietly entered the room. "How can you lie to me after all we been through?" Annabel screamed. "You could have just told me the truth sooner but you tell me a few days before the wedding." "I will forgive you because from what I heard from that detective he told me you aren't a bad guy." "You saved my niece and even though you are not Ralph Spencer, I will still love you." "Thank you, Annabel" Jimmy replied. I knew you out of all other people would understand.

It was two days before the wedding of Jimmy Valentine and Annabel Adams. They spent those two days learning about each other's latest life and after that, they brought gifts for one another and invited friends and families to their wonderful wedding.

Finally, it was the big day and they were both excited. Friends, family, people Jimmy didn't know, and Ben Price were gathered there to watch their wedding. Memories from their life flashed before them and then they were finally married.

Five years after that faithful day, they had a child and he was named Ralph. For the years to come, they lived together as a loving family and never once did Jimmy go back to robbing banks. He stayed with Annabel for the rest of his life, living happily and with joy toward their son.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. There is a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

In the beginning of the story, the writer provides necessary background information before revealing what the writer thinks may have happened to Jimmy and what his life is like following the incident at the bank. The writer adequately reviews the previous incident through a conversation between Jimmy and Ben Price.

(“’I saved one little girl. That doesn't mean I have changed my style of living, because I could just go back to robbing banks and quit loving Annabel.’ ‘I know you won't do that Valentine, because I've intercepted the letter that you wrote to your friend saying that you will give away your valuable thief tools. You've opened a shoe store that is prospering and that tells me you won't rob any more banks. You have the money from your store and if you go back to robbing banks, you will break Annabel's heart.’ ‘Now that I told you, I suggest that you live a life without crime. If you don't, you know what the consequences are.’”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer maintains focus on the main character, Jimmy Valentine, and how his life has changed following the incident in the bank vault. (“Finally, it was the big day and they were both excited. Friends, family, people Jimmy didn't know, and Ben Price were gathered there to watch their wedding. Memories from their life flashed before them and then they were finally married. Five years after that faithful day, they had a child and he was named Ralph. For the years to come, they lived together as a loving family and never once did Jimmy go back to robbing banks. He stayed with Annabel for the rest of his life, living happily and with joy toward their son.”)

There is adequate use of dialogue in the essay. The writer incorporates meaningful dialogue between the main character and the supporting characters to reveal their thoughts and feelings toward each other and their situations. (“’How can you lie to me after all we been through?’ Annabel screamed. ‘You could have just told me the truth sooner but you tell me a few days before the wedding.’ ‘I will forgive you because from what I heard from that detective he told me you aren't a bad guy.’ ‘You saved my niece and even though you are not Ralph Spencer, I will still love you.’ ‘Thank you, Annabel’ Jimmy replied. ‘I knew you out of all other people would understand.’”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The writer creates believable characters and adequately establishes tension in the narrative that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer also employs the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts and feelings during pivotal moments.

There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“’I saved one little girl. That doesn't mean I have changed my style of living, because I could just go back to robbing banks and quit loving Annabel.’ ‘I know you won't do that Valentine, because I've intercepted the letter that you wrote to your friend saying that you will give away your valuable thief tools. You've opened a shoe store that is prospering and that tells me you won't rob any more banks. You have the money from your store and if you go back to robbing banks, you will break Annabel's heart.’”)

Adequate details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“’How can you lie to me after all we been through?’ Annabel screamed. ‘You could have just told me the truth sooner but you tell me a few days before the wedding.’ ‘I will forgive you because from what I heard from that detective he told me you aren't a bad guy.’ ‘You saved my niece and even though you are not Ralph Spencer, I will still love you.’ ‘Thank you, Annabel’ Jimmy replied. ‘I knew you out of all other people would understand.’ It was two days before the wedding of Jimmy Valentine and Annabel Adams. They spent those two days learning about each other's latest life and after that, they brought gifts for one another and invited friends and families to their wonderful wedding.”)

The writer includes details that adequately describe the story’s solution. (“Five years after that faithful day, they had a child and he was named Ralph. For the years to come, they lived together as a loving family and never once did Jimmy go back to robbing banks. He stayed with Annabel for the rest of his life, living happily and with joy toward their son.”)

Organization

The organization of content and events in the narrative is also adequate. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a conversation between the main character, Jimmy Valentine, and his former nemesis, Ben Price. The introduction also serves to familiarize the intended audience with the incident that occurred just prior to this conversation. (“ ’Hello, Mr. Valentine,’ Ben said as he and Jimmy walked into an empty room. ‘Hello, Ben,’ Jimmy says not knowing what happened back there. ‘I've violated my parole, shouldn't you arrest me?’ ‘No,’ Ben said calmly, ‘I won't arrest you because I know that deep in your heart, that you are a good man.’ ‘How do you know that I am good and that I have changed from robbing banks to living a fair and honest life?’ asked Jimmy while grinning. ‘I saved one little girl. That doesn't mean I have changed my style of living, because I could just go back to robbing banks and quit loving Annabel.’”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should make every attempt to incorporate more transitions into the writing to enhance the flow and sequence of the story’s events. (“ Finally, it was the big day and they were both excited. Friends, family, people Jimmy didn't know, and Ben Price were gathered there to watch their wedding. Memories from their life flashed before them and then they were finally married. Five years after that faithful day, they had a child and he was named Ralph. For the years to come, they lived together as a loving family and never once did Jimmy go back to robbing banks.”)

The story includes an adequate ending. (“ Five years after that faithful day, they had a child and he was named Ralph. For the years to come, they lived together as a loving family and never once did Jimmy go back to robbing banks. He stayed with Annabel for the rest of his life, living happily and with joy toward their son.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The narrative generally exhibits correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ It was two days before the wedding of Jimmy Valentine and Annabel Adams. They spent those two days learning about each other's latest life and after that, they brought gifts for one another and invited friends and families to their wonderful wedding. Finally, it was the big day and they were both excited. Friends, family, people Jimmy didn't know, and Ben Price were gathered there to watch their wedding. Memories from their life flashed before them and then they were finally married.”)

The word choices selected by the writer are adequate and appropriate for the essay response. (“ ’Hello, Mr. Valentine,’ Ben said as he and Jimmy walked into an empty room. ‘Hello, Ben,’ Jimmy says not knowing what happened back there. ‘I've violated my parole, shouldn't you arrest me?’ ‘No,’ Ben said calmly, ‘I won't arrest you because I know that deep in your heart, that you are a good man.’”)

The use of dialogue adds to the style, tension, and flow of the writer’s intended message to his/her audience. (“ ’How can you lie to me after all we been through?’ Annabel screamed. ‘You could have just told me the truth sooner but you tell me a few days before the wedding.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling and they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should be sure that sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled correctly, and vocabulary is used appropriately within the context of the story. (“ They spent those two days learning about each other's latest life and after that, they brought gifts for one another and invited friends and families to their wonderful wedding.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

When Jimmy came home, he went to get a wrench from his tool box. When he got it, he headed for the bank. Jimmy's wife was at the bank with a bat. When they both walked in, they tried to take money from the bank. When they got the money, they left the bank and headed home. They loved the money. Jimmy was back on business of stealing money.

All of a sudden the police came to the door. They said to open the door, but Jimmy said to back off. He took his wife and said he had a hostage. Jimmy's wife was awfully scared. She started screaming for help, but nobody could help her. Then all of a sudden, the police kicked the door open and Jimmy put his hands up. At the jail house, Jimmy was really mad that he was caught up in this situation again. He remembered that the judge said he was in jail for two years. After two years, he went hunting for his wife. He headed for her parents house. When he had a talk with them, they said she died two months ago. Jimmy asked how she died. Her parents said of a heart attack. Jimmy's life was done for ever. So he turned himself in for nothing, but heart broken.

When two years past, Jimmy went back to look for more cases to brake, but non were found. When he went back to Ohio , he went to the bank, he tried opening the case, but it was locked. So he just ran off, but the police found him dead at his hotel. The investagater Ben Price said that he died of shock. At Jimmy's funiral, the banker was shocked that he always broke into cases. When the banker left to his house, he had a horrible chest pain. He fell down, his heart stop beating. when he died, he saw Jimmy, his dauter, and his life in heavan.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer displays limited focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Additionally, there may be descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning of the essay, the writer neglects to provide necessary background information that would inform readers of what happened prior to the beginning of the narrative. The writer also needs to state the purpose of the story, which is to speculate on Jimmy Valentine’s life after saving the young girl in the bank. The writer’s introduction satisfies neither of these crucial elements. (“ When Jimmy came home, he went to get a wrench from his tool box. When he got it, he headed for the bank. Jimmy's wife was at the bank with a bat. When they both walked in, they tried to take money from the bank. When they got the money, they left the bank and headed home.”)

The events in the story are not always consistent with the prompt. For instance, toward the end of the response, the writer discusses the death of a banker and what he sees in heaven. This seems like unnecessary information that does not promote the task of speculating on what life is like for Jimmy Valentine after the incident at the bank. (“At Jimmy's funiral, the banker was shocked that he always broke into cases. When the banker left to his house, he had a horrible chest pain. He fell down, his heart stop beating. when he died, he saw Jimmy, his dauter, and his life in heavan.”)

Although the thoughts of characters are shared in a limited way, the writer does not implement the use of character to character dialogue. (“ When he had a talk with them, they said she died two months ago. Jimmy asked how she died. Her parents said of a heart attack.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development of events in the essay. The writer provides a limited plot, setting, and limited characters. The story lacks sufficient details to make this more than a brief summary of what happens to Jimmy Valentine in the time following the incident at the bank when he saved the young girl from the locked vault. The writer creates limited tension when Jimmy goes looking for his estranged wife, but in killing off her character, the confrontation between husband and wife is never explored. The use of dialogue was not used to reveal characters’ thoughts. The writer does share the thoughts of characters in a limited way, but does so in an informative nature, with no actual character to character dialogue employed.

The writer does not provide necessary background information to inform readers about what happened before the event. In this case, readers need to know Jimmy’s background, how he saved the girl in the bank, and then venture into speculation as to how his life is different after that event. The writer dives right into the speculation and leaves readers wondering about prior events. Without this crucial information, excerpts, like the following, are confusing for readers: “When Jimmy came home, he went to get a wrench from his tool box. When he got it, he headed for the bank. Jimmy's wife was at the bank with a bat. When they both walked in, they tried to take money from the bank. When they got the money, they left the bank and headed home. They loved the money. Jimmy was back on business of stealing money.”

Once the writer addresses the main event of his/her narrative response, only limited details are used to develop the main event. The lack of sequential development contributes to a very limited and ineffective essay. (“When two years past, Jimmy went back to look for more cases to brake, but non were found. When he went back to Ohio , he went to the bank, he tried opening the case, but it was locked. So he just ran off, but the police found him dead at his hotel. The investagater Ben Price said that he died of shock. At Jimmy's funiral, the banker was shocked that he always broke into cases. When the banker left to his house, he had a horrible chest pain. He fell down, his heart stop beating. when he died, he saw Jimmy, his dauter, and his life in heavan.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is limited to the writer telling us what the characters say; there is no actual dialogue employed in the response. (“ The investagater Ben Price said that he died of shock. At Jimmy's funiral, the banker was shocked that he always broke into cases.”)

Organization

The organization in the narrative is limited at best. The writer provides an adequate opening, but it may not hold readers’ attention because it lacks background information that would be necessary to fully understand the writer’s response to the prompt task. The flow of the story is broken by gaps in time and sequence. The use of strong transition words would serve to enhance the flow and sequence of events. The writer manages to provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the story does not include crucial background information about prior events that would make the speculative response understandable or effective for the intended audience. (“ When they got the money, they left the bank and headed home. They loved the money. Jimmy was back on business of stealing money.”)

Transitions are used in a limited way to connect some events in the story. (“ After two years, he went hunting for his wife. He headed for her parents house. When he had a talk with them, they said she died two months ago.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ When the banker left to his house, he had a horrible chest pain. He fell down, his heart stop beating. when he died, he saw Jimmy, his dauter, and his life in heavan.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety.

The lengths of some of the sentences are so short that the writer’s ideas are choppy and ineffective in communicating the story to his/her intended audience. (“ When Jimmy came home, he went to get a wrench from his tool box. When he got it, he headed for the bank. Jimmy's wife was at the bank with a bat. When they both walked in, they tried to take money from the bank. When they got the money, they left the bank and headed home. They loved the money. Jimmy was back on business of stealing money.”)

The writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences in paragraphs. In this example (“ When two years past, Jimmy went back to look for more cases to brake, but non were found. When he went back to Ohio , he went to the bank, he tried opening the case, but it was locked.”), the writer uses the word “when” repeatedly. The writer should try to begin sentences in a variety of ways to express ideas and voice in a more effective way.

The use of more descriptive language and complex sentences would communicate a more meaningful and well-developed story for the intended audience. (“All of a sudden the police came to the door. They said to open the door, but Jimmy said to back off. He took his wife and said he had a hostage.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check for correct spelling and usage of selected words. (“The investagater Ben Price said that he died of shock. At Jimmy's funiral, the banker was shocked that he always broke into cases. When the banker left to his house, he had a horrible chest pain. He fell down, his heart stop beating. when he died, he saw Jimmy, his dauter, and his life in heavan.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

Jimmy Valentine stared at Ben Price as he walked away, in awe. He then ran straight back inside the bank into the vault. When he entered he found the Adam's Family exactly where he had left them. He went straight to Annabelle and started to explain everything. Before Jimmy could finish, Mr. Adam walked over to him and gave him a fatherly hug. Mr. Adam then said, "It's all right son, it's all right, we forgive you." Agatha then walked over to Mr. Valentine gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Thank you."

Three days later, the minister said, "You may now kiss the bride." And Annabelle and Mr. Spencer ( a.k.a. Jimmy Valentine ) lived happily together forever and ever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay response is minimal. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative is brief and does not provide substantial details that would enlighten readers as to what could happen next to Jimmy Valentine after he saves the young girl in the bank.

The story does not summarize the initial event that leads to the speculations for what could happen next in the story. The writer minimally states what happens to the main character immediately after saving the girl in the bank, and takes a brief look into his future as a married man. (“He went straight to Annabelle and started to explain everything. Before Jimmy could finish, Mr. Adam walked over to him and gave him a fatherly hug … Three days later, the minister said, ‘You may now kiss the bride.’ And Annabelle and Mr. Spencer ( a.k.a. Jimmy Valentine ) lived happily together forever and ever.”)

The audience for the story is often not in the forefront of the writer’s mind. For example, in the beginning of the narrative, the writer mentions that Jimmy was in awe, but never elaborates on the reason for this feeling toward Ben Price. (“ Jimmy Valentine stared at Ben Price as he walked away, in awe. He then ran straight back inside the bank into the vault.”)

The writer neglects to provide relevant, supporting details in the essay response. For instance, the writer reveals that Annabelle’s father forgave Jimmy, but the writer does not provide enough background information for readers to understand what Jimmy is being forgiven for in the first place. (“Before Jimmy could finish, Mr. Adam walked over to him and gave him a fatherly hug. Mr. Adam then said, ‘It's all right son, it's all right, we forgive you.’ Agatha then walked over to Mr. Valentine gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered, ‘Thank you.’”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only introduced rather than developed. Although the narrative does not include details or information that detracts from the story, it lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Some dialogue is used by the writer to reveal the characters’ thoughts, however, the readers cannot fully understand the characters’ feelings because of the minimal amount of background information provided.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“ He then ran straight back inside the bank into the vault. When he entered he found the Adam's Family exactly where he had left them.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. The writer does not describe them or explain their relationships to the main character, Jimmy Valentine. The writer merely mentions them. (“ When he entered he found the Adam's Family exactly where he had left them. He went straight to Annabelle and started to explain everything.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is minimally developed. (“Before Jimmy could finish, Mr. Adam walked over to him and gave him a fatherly hug. Mr. Adam then said, "It's all right son, it's all right, we forgive you." Agatha then walked over to Mr. Valentine gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Thank you."”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay response. The flow of the story is difficult to follow because of gaps in time, background information, and sequence. The writer provides an ending, but it is brief and nondescript as to what happens in the future for the main and supporting characters.

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“ Jimmy Valentine stared at Ben Price as he walked away, in awe. He then ran straight back inside the bank into the vault. When he entered he found the Adam's Family exactly where he had left them.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Mr. Adam then said, ‘It's all right son, it's all right, we forgive you.’ Agatha then walked over to Mr. Valentine gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered, ‘Thank you.’ Three days later, the minister said, ‘You may now kiss the bride.’”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Three days later, the minister said, ‘You may now kiss the bride.’ And Annabelle and Mr. Spencer ( a.k.a. Jimmy Valentine ) lived happily together forever and ever.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer does not incorporate sufficient content for readers to grasp the writer’s sense of style, voice, and language in the narrative. Additionally, the writer demonstrates very little awareness of audience or purpose of the task. There are errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short and lack sufficient detail to enhance the writer’s message. The writer should try to create more complex sentences to infuse style and interest into the story. (“ He then ran straight back inside the bank into the vault.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences in the story. In doing so, the writer’s style and voice have a repetitive tone in the essay response. (“ He then ran straight back inside the bank into the vault… He went straight to Annabelle and started to explain everything.”)

The writer misses opportunities to use descriptive language to create pictures of the characters and setting for the intended audience. (“ He then ran straight back inside the bank into the vault. When he entered he found the Adam's Family exactly where he had left them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this very brief, two-paragraph response, the writer exhibits some control of mechanics and conventions. There are errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling; proofreading for these errors will enhance the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should be sure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, correct punctuation within and at the end of sentences, proper sentence structure, and correct capitalization at the beginning of and within sentences. (“Three days later, the minister said, ‘You may now kiss the bride.’ And Annabelle and Mr. Spencer ( a.k.a. Jimmy Valentine ) lived happily together forever and ever.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve the writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Jimmy find Ben and he helped Ben. Ben Price and Jimmy Valentine still are friends. I think Jimmy's life is he live happy and doesn't have to care anything. I think he's choices is not to be a robber again and just be a nornal person. Jimmy will find a job and find moneys.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer exhibits inadequate focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides very little detail that would give readers an adequate picture of what could happen next in the story, what choices Jimmy may make, or what his life could be like after the incident at the bank.

The story does not state the main event. Stating the main event, however, would provide readers with background information necessary to understand the context of the writer’s response. (“ Jimmy find Ben and he helped Ben. Ben Price and Jimmy Valentine still are friends.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. The writer does not focus on what could happen next or the choices Jimmy may make in the future. (“ I think Jimmy's life is he live happy and doesn't have to care anything.”)

The writer does not provide any meaningful scenarios that would give readers a picture of what could happen to the character later on in his life. (“Jimmy will find a job and find moneys.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas in the essay are inadequate. The story lacks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but they are not developed. The absence of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. In essence, not much happens.

In this short essay response, the writer does not provide adequate details that could develop the main events. (“ Jimmy find Ben and he helped Ben. Ben Price and Jimmy Valentine still are friends.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. The writer neglects to provide adequate sensory details about the characters, which could enlighten readers as to how the characters look, speak, feel, and so on. (“ I think he's choices is not to be a robber again and just be a nornal person.”)

There is no dialogue used to reveal what the characters think or say aloud. (“ I think Jimmy's life is he live happy and doesn't have to care anything.”)

Organization

The ideas in the essay response are organized inadequately. The writer offers no identifiable introduction that would entice or guide readers to any indication of what is to come in the narrative. Not only does the story lack the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, there are also serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The beginning does not creatively grab readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Jimmy find Ben and he helped Ben. Ben Price and Jimmy Valentine still are friends.”)

Events in the narrative have gaps in time that may serve to confuse readers. (“ I think he's choices is not to be a robber again and just be a nornal person. Jimmy will find a job and find moneys.”)

The story does not include an ending that summarizes the story or leaves readers with something to think about. (“ Jimmy will find a job and find moneys.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of many of the sentences are too short and do not provide the necessary details or structure to make this an effective response to the prompt task. (“ Jimmy find Ben and he helped Ben. Ben Price and Jimmy Valentine still are friends.”)

The writer’s incorrect use of selected word choices impedes meaning for the intended audience. (“ I think Jimmy's life is he live happy and doesn't have to care anything. I think he's choices is not to be a robber again and just be a nornal person. Jimmy will find a job and find moneys.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose of the narrative to the intended audience. (“ I think Jimmy's life is he live happy and doesn't have to care anything.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and assure correct spelling and usage of selected word choices. (“I think Jimmy's life is he live happy and doesn't have to care anything. I think he's choices is not to be a robber again and just be a nornal person. Jimmy will find a job and find moneys.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Special Day

Think about a special day in your life; a day when something unusual or memorable happened. It might have been the first day of school, your birthday, or some other day. Write your story telling us what happened to you on that day and describe why it was special. Explain the setting and details of the experience. Tell your story in an interesting way to engage the reader. Remember to make sure the reader has enough details about your experience so he or she can picture it in his or her mind.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"I’m tall enough!" I cried with excitement as I was about to get inside the cart of a 60- second ride at Six Flags. That day was one of my many special days that have occurred throughout my lifetime. Excitement was written all over my face when I found out that I was tall enough to ride the Screaming Eagle.

I can remember very vividly when my dad came home and announced that we were going to Six Flags again this year. "No," I thought as my eyes started to water. I didn't exactly want to go again. The last time I had went, I was too short for any real rides, the ones that make your stomach drop as you fly down an incline at 100 mph. Even though I did not want to, I went anyways.

That night we left for St. Louis . As I sat in the back seat of our car, my blanket clutched in one hand while my thumb was in my mouth, I started to fall asleep. My dad, looking in the rear-view mirror, just smiled at me with one of those your so cute looks. My mom just glanced at me and had smiled at me as if she was so proud of me for something I wasn't quite sure of yet.

When we got to St. Louis , we stayed at a hotel for the rest of the night. We chose the Best Western, which had a gym, an inside pool, a lounge, a tiny cafe where you get your food and other various luxuries. It was great! After checking in at the front desk, we went up to our room on the 6th floor and crashed for the rest of the night. I was tired!

The next morning, we got up, showered, ate breakfast, then headed for Six Flags. After leaving the hotel, we went out into the unbearable traffic. There were cars everywhere, horns honking, people shouting, and turn signals flashing. "Wow," I thought.

Eventually we made it through the traffic and into the Six Flags parking lot. After what seemed like hours sitting in the car, I was able to get out and stretch my legs. We walked through the gates and got our hand stamped, then went through the metal detector. Fortunatly, I made it through. My dad on the other hand, set the detector off with his steel- toed boots.

After going though the metal detectors, I was actually inside the park. We walked over to the little fountain right inside the park and waited for my aunt and uncle. We waited for about 5 minutes, then they came walking up. My Aunt Kelly wanted to ride a roller coaster first, so we followed her towards the Screaming Eagle.

Waiting in line was the most difficult thing I had ever done. I was getting very impatient. Finally, after 3 hours of waiting in line, we made it to the gate where you had to pick the cart you wanted. My aunt walked right over to the very last cart and told me to wait with her. I was scared. I had never been on a roller coaster before, and I had a feeling I was way to short for the ride, since I was too short for everything.

The ride came to a hault and the other passengers got out. I just made sure I was out of the way so I would not get trampled by the teenagers coming off. My aunt noticed a height chart and told me to stand against it. Not thinking anything of it, I did what she said. She looked at the chart where my head met the requirement, and said, "Guess what, your not short anymore!"

I just looked at her. Then I realized what she had meant. "I’m actually tall enough!" I shouted as the man smiled at me while hurrying me over to the cart. The handle bars slammed into place and the ride jolted forward through the ups and downs of the inclines.

While laughing throughout the ride, my aunt leaned over and told me something that I would never forget. "I am proud of you, you held back your fear and got on the ride, a ride that you were tall enough for!" I just smiled.

As the ride came to a screeching hault, I realized something very important. Even after going somewhere and your plan does not work out, you should always go back to see if it works because maybe something will change and your plan will work. After thinking about what my aunt had told me and the lesson I had learned, I felt as if my world was changing, I was becoming a big girl.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Here the author imparts a heart-warming story about finally being tall enough to ride a height-restricted ride at an amusement park (“’ I’m tall enough!’ I cried with excitement as I was about to get inside the cart of a 60- second ride at Six Flags. That day was one of my many special days that have occurred throughout my lifetime. Excitement was written all over my face when I found out that I was tall enough to ride the Screaming Eagle ”). While this event may seem pretty run-of-the-mill at first, the author describes it in detail and shares with the reader why it felt so important at the time. This insightful controlling idea makes clear that the author understood the purpose and audience of this prompt, and thus, the author has effectively completed all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

In great detail, the author sketches the plot and setting for the reader. Introducing a few family members, the story remains focused on the author and her experience of this special day; notice also how dialogue is used very effectively to reveal the author’s thoughts to the reader (“ I can remember very vividly when my dad came home and announced that we were going to Six Flags again this year. ‘No,’ I thought as my eyes started to water. I didn't exactly want to go again. The last time I had went, I was too short for any real rides, the ones that make your stomach drop as you fly down an incline at 100 mph. Even though I did not want to, I went anyways ”). By the end of the story, the author has overcome the problem that serves as the core of this story and learned a very valuable lesson.

Organization

This story is very effectively o rganized, capturing the reader’s attention from the very beginning by cleverly opening the story with a shout (“’ I’m tall enough!’ I cried with excitement as I was about to get inside the cart of a 60- second ride at Six Flags ”). The body of the essay is broken into digestible paragraphs that are sequentially linked by transitions (“ The next morning ... Eventually we made it … Waiting in line”). The conclusion adds one final dose of meaning to the story by sharing with the reader the lesson learned by the author (“After thinking about what my aunt had told me and the lesson I had learned, I felt as if my world was changing, I was becoming a big girl”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to use words and sentences to convey meaning is highly developed (“ The next morning, we got up, showered, ate breakfast, then headed for Six Flags. After leaving the hotel, we went out into the unbearable traffic. There were cars everywhere, horns honking, people shouting, and turn signals flashing. ‘Wow,’ I thought ”). This essay d emonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

While not completely error free, most of the mistakes in grammar, mechanics, and punctuation are minor; a few spelling errors do stand out without detracting from the author’s message (“ hault” and “Fortunatly”).

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My special day was the day I took a free airplane flying lesson. My dad had signed me up for one free-lesson in which I was allowed to fly the plane the whole time with an instructor next to me on the co-pilot controls. It was the middle of summer and I was really exited. This was about three years ago and I was eleven. Being a pilot was something I had wanted to do since I was four years old. So getting to fly an airplane was very special for me.

I remember we went to a smaller airport with only small, two or three person planes. We walked into the airport building, it was air conditioned and it had been hot out, so I was glad to wait while the plane that we would use landed. We were finally told to go meet the instructor. He was a big man with a small beard. He told my dad and me that we had to make a "walk around" and make sure everything was ready on the plane. First we checked the flaps on the wings and tail, next, we checked for loose bolts. Finally, we made sure we had enough fuel. When we had made sure that everything was ready, we stepped inside the plane, me in the pilot's seat, the instructor in the copilots, and my dad in the back.

It was a small, two engine plane, designed for training soon-to-be pilots. We flipped several switches, and the dashboard lights turned on. Then the instructor told me what switches to flip to start the engines. I flipped them and the two propellors began to whirl to fast to be seen. We taxied out to the runway and a voice on our radio asked for a runway clearance. The instructor told me to say some very long and complicated sentence containing several numbers and words I had never heard. I said what I was told into my head set radio and we were told that we were cleared for takeoff.

The engine became louder as we started to lurch forward. He did most of the takeoff, I just watched. However, once on the air he gave me the controls for a while. I remember it vividly. With just a tiny touch on the controls, The entire plane would turn the direction desired. We flew over my neighborhood, and I thought it looked alot different from above. As we were cleared for landing, the flight instructor took the controls over again and told me to pull up hard when the time came. We neared the runway and... "Now!" he shouted. I pulled up harder than he had expected, but we were fine.

Once out of the plane I immediately thanked my dad for the lesson. I had lived my dream of flying a plane and I would love to do it again someday. It makes me think that I might want to be a pilot. I had loved everything about that flight, and I would recommend it to anyone who has the chance. Between the anticipation of the flight and the flight itself, this was a very special day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Flying a plane before you are even old enough to drive a car is a very exciting event indeed! In this story, the author describes in some detail exactly what the experience was like and why it was important (“ Being a pilot was something I had wanted to do since I was four years old. So getting to fly an airplane was very special for me”). This narrative shows a good understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and aptly completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The plot and setting of this story are quite well -developed. The author describes the events of the day to the reader in detail, even to the point of heightening the tension when the plane was about to land (“ As we were cleared for landing, the flight instructor took the controls over again and told me to pull up hard when the time came. We neared the runway and... "Now!" he shouted. I pulled up harder than he had expected, but we were fine ”). The characters introduced, namely the author and the trainer, are believable (“ We were finally told to go meet the instructor. He was a big man with a small beard. He told my dad and me that we had to make a "walk around" and make sure everything was ready on the plane ”).

Organization

This essay displays good organizational unity. The opening is not very exciting, although it does succinctly introduce the author’s central theme (“ So getting to fly an airplane was very special for me ”). The body o f the story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development (“I said what I was told into my head set radio and we were told that we were cleared for takeoff … The engine became louder as we started to lurch forward”). The conclusion, again not very exciting, nonetheless provides the reader with a sense of completeness (“ It makes me think that I might want to be a pilot. I had loved everything about that flight, and I would recommend it to anyone who has the chance. Between the anticipation of the flight and the flight itself, this was a very special day ”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this writing task. With appropriate word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience, the author uses well-structured sentences with some variety to convey meaning to the reader (“ It was a small, two engine plane, designed for training soon-to-be pilots. We flipped several switches, and the dashboard lights turned on. Then the instructor told me what switches to flip to start the engines. I flipped them and the two propellors began to whirl to fast to be seen. We taxied out to the runway and a voice on our radio asked for a runway clearance ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling (“ propellors ” and “ alot ”) find their way into this essay to detract from its overall presentation.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The day started off like any day would. I got up and got ready for school, but I knew today would have a much better outcome that I would never forget. This feeling came to me on the bus ride to school, it was like an urging feeling in the pit of my stomach wanting and hoping the day would go quicker, this feeling wanted out, like it had been laying dormant inside me for as long as I have existed.

As I arrive at school the day goes by much faster than I had expected, first Social Studies next Math after that Language arts, even, though they were all equally long they were somehow shortened by my arising feelings, they made the day go by much quicker. As the school day drew to an end, the bell rang for the bus riders to leave. When this bell rang, I would normally leave, but today was different there was a dance a valentines dance to be exact.

After school I went to my friend Trevor's house and we waited there, got ready, and went to the dance, after-only, twenty minutes of preparation.

When I arrived at the dance, I was excited yet nervous. While at the dance I hung around my friends most of the time, But when the time came and she had finally arrived. I looked at her and said to myself "She is beautiful." After the dance was almost over it was one of the last slow dances of the night, but the night before I asked her if she would save me a dance. So as I stand there she asked me if I was ready to dance, I joyously said "YES." While I danced with her it was like there was nobody else around us, it was only she and I. I did not want it to end, but yet it did which was not my favorite part of the day. The dance came to an end, but it was not the end of the night. She invited me over to her house along with some of her friends.

At her house we played cards, her mom took pictures, ordered pizza, and we watched a movie. All this, time around her it was like I felt sick, but I know I was not it was only my nerves because of how much I like her. Now I know how this feeling arose from deep down inside me it was from her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Telling a tale that is a rite of passage for many young people, the author describes an experience at a Valentine’s Day Dance at school. The author establishes and maintains the controlling idea throughout the narrative (“ The day started off like any day would. I got up and got ready for school, but I knew today would have a much better outcome that I would never forget”). With a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, the author adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The plot and setting of this story are reasonably developed. The reader gets to know the main character fairly well, although the author allows his dance partner to remain mysterious, to good effect (“ While at the dance I hung around my friends most of the time, But when the time came and she had finally arrived. I looked at her and said to myself ‘She is beautiful’ ”). The problem in the story is ultimately resolved but the reader is left wondering, what will the future hold for our young couple?

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The story opens with the author hinting at the real importance of the day to come (“ The day started off like any day would ”), but one must read on to find out why (“ but today was different there was a dance a valentines dance to be exact ”). Throughout, the s tory generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. Finally, in the conclusion, the author shares with the reader an important insight that he discovered after the dance (“ All this, time around her it was like I felt sick, but I know I was not it was only my nerves because of how much I like her. Now I know how this feeling arose from deep down inside me it was from her”).

Language Use & Style

The author uses an appropriate style of language in this narrative. However, some basic errors in word choice and sentence structure, which arise from the author trying to craft more complex sentences, could be improved (“ This feeling came to me on the bus ride to school, it was like an urging feeling in the pit of my stomach wanting and hoping the day would go quicker, this feeling wanted out, like it had been laying dormant inside me for as long as I have existed ”). Otherwise, the author addresses this essay to the intended audience and shows some c ontrol of voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

While mostly free of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, this essay does show the author struggling to structure sentences correctly (“ While at the dance I hung around my friends most of the time, But when the time came and she had finally arrived ”).

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My most special day was when I went to Florida . We went to all sorts of places. We also went to the beach and did things. Florida is a sunny and relaxing place.

When we went to Disney World, I did all sorts of fun activities. At Disney World I went on lots of roller coasters. My favorite roller coaster was Space Mountain . After that I got to go go-karting with my brother. We also played lots of games and bought fans, snacks, and souvenirs. Then we went to Epcot. At Epcot we went on the ride inside it.

Afterwards we went to the beach by our hotel. We went swimming most of the time. Then we collected sea shells, and I got to put them in bags to take home. In addition to that, we lay on the beach. I even tried to catch a sea gull. It began to get dark, so we went inside and drank lemonade.

This was my most memorable vacation. It was also my most special day ever. I had a lot of fun in Florida .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this story, the author seeks to describe a special vacation in Florida (“ My most special day was when I went to Florida . We went to all sorts of places. We also went to the beach and did things. Florida is a sunny and relaxing place ”). While the controlling idea remains the central focus of this narrative, the author is only able to partially develop it. Thus, this essay only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The plot and setting of this story are limited in scope. The author briefly describes some of the activites s/he engaged in in Florida (“ Then we collected sea shells, and I got to put them in bags to take home. In addition to that, we lay on the beach. I even tried to catch a sea gull. It began to get dark, so we went inside and drank lemonade ”). But the author fails to introduce any of the characters in this story or to provide sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what actually happened on the vacation. No dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

The organizational layout of this story is adequate, but unexceptional. The opening sets the stage for the story (“ My most special day was when I went to Florida ”) but does not hook the reader. The body paragraphs flow sequentially to the conclusion, which closes the story simply, without providing the reader with a meaningful s ense of closure (“ This was my most memorable vacation. It was also my most special day ever. I had a lot of fun in Florida ”).

Language Use & Style

This story demonstrates simple sentences and word choice, with some awareness of audience and control of voice. Many of the sentences have a choppy quality to them and lack descriptive power (“ Then we went to Epcot … Then we collected sea shells”).

Mechanics & Conventions

In this short, simple story, the author maintains a decent grasp of the mechanics and conventions of writing, permitting few noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling to interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Balloons, candles, and exictment is what made this day so special. Seeing myself one yera ago, turning thirtheen, what was so special about me turning thirtheen was I had just had become a teenager. Therefore me becomming thirtheen gave me teenager privlages. For example, I go to stay out longer until 9:30 instead of 8:30. Coming in later just made me feel so older. I also relize that you have more responsibilityies. For example I had more chore to do. Like the dirty digstusting dishes. Along with the nasty bathroom.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story intends to describe how the author felt when he/she turned thirteen and became a teenager. The author remains focused on this controlling idea throughout the essay (“Seeing myself one yera ago, turning thirtheen, what was so special about me turning thirtheen was I had just had become a teenager”), but demonstrates a minimal ability to create an interesting narrative around it. While well- intentioned, this essay fails to properly address the purpose and audience of this prompt and ultimately fails to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

There is no meaningful plot or setting presented to the reader in this story. The author does mention the impact of becoming a teenager (“Therefore me becomming thirtheen gave me teenager privlages … I also relize that you have more responsibilityies”), but the story lacks developed characters, interesting

conflict, and dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

The author attempts to organize this essay but is largely unsuccessful at doing so. The opening has the potential to be interesting by making the reader think this story may describe the author’s birthday party (“Balloons, candles, and exictment is what made this day so special”), but the author says no more about this subject. The paragraph only briefly imparts to the reader why becoming a teenager is so important. No conclusion has been supplied to pull the story together or leave the reader with something important to mull over.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is poor. Frequently incoherent, the author displays tremendous difficulty in choosing words and structuring sentences correctly (”For example I had more chore to do. Like the dirty digstusting dishes. Along with the nasty bathroom”). These basic errors seriously detract from the presentation of this narrative.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author clearly has little control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics (“Seeing myself one yera ago, turning thirtheen, what was so special about me turning thirtheen was I had just had become a teenager”), punctuation, and spelling (“becomming thirtheen”) substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My happiest day was wen I went to Six Flags. It was the happiest day because I went with my sister and my two cousin's. We went last summer. When we got there

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this response fails to complete any parts of the task. Although the author does attempt to state a position (“My happiest day was wen I went to Six Flags”), it does not directly address the task nor is it developed or maintained. No parts of this assignment are appropriately completed.

Content & Development

The author fails to develop the story with any relevant ideas or supporting details. In this essay, there is no identifiable and understandable event or conflict mentioned. Nothing happens in this very short response.

Organization

In the space of two lines, the reader cannot discern any evidence of an organizational structure. The essay lacks an introduction, body paragraphs, transitional devices, and a conclusion. Thus, the essay is inadequately organized.

Language Use & Style

In such a short response, it is difficult to properly assess the language use and style. Although the author’s sentences and words are simple, they do not appear to be wholly inadequate. (“ It was the happiest day because I went with my sister and my two cousin's . ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In the space of two lines, it is difficult to know whether or not this student has an ability to control the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. However, it seems as though this student does not make many errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling.

A Time Machine

Imagine you have found a time machine that can magically transport you to any place in time. Write a story about your adventures in the time machine.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Oh no,” Tina whispered to herself, "No, no, no.” The twelve-year-old girl reached forward in the dark to feel the time machine's engine. It was just as she feared; the engine was cold. She groaned. Why did bad luck have to get her at this time? Tina heaved a sigh and sat back to contemplate her next move.

Meanwhile, Naomi grabbed her purse and raced out the door, on her way to downtown to buy new clothes. A blast of hot air made her want to turn around and stay in her air-conditioned home instead. "No,” she told herself, "It's time to get new clothes.” She slowed to a walk, but something told her to hurry up. She quickened her pace and walked for some time. Suddenly, she stopped. Naomi strained her ears. Yes, there it was again; the sound of pounding metal, faint, but heard. It probably wasn't the sound of a blacksmith's hammer pounding on metal, but it did sound like it. Naomi took a step, and then hesitated. As if she couldn't bear it anymore, she followed the direction of the sound. She rounded the corner of Maple Street and saw a strange sight. Sitting on the sidewalk was some sort of box, an oddly shaped one at that. It was covered with a crinkly, shiny, multicolored foil and there were flashing lights all over it. It was as big as a doghouse.

Naomi stared at it before she realized the pounding was coming from the odd box. There was also a muffled cry coming from the inside. "Stupid kids,” she muttered, thinking it was couple of neighborhood boys who now seemed to have gotten themselves stuck in a box they made. She walked toward it until she could hear the voice inside. "Help, somebody help!” Naomi reached out and unhooked the hook that closed the door leading into the box. She pulled it open and jumped back in alarm as someone-or something-climbed out of it. When it straightened up, Naomi saw that "it” was Tina. She was wearing dirt-streaked jeans and a loose blouse. There was a red ribbon in her brown, curly hair. "Those clothes are kind of old-fashioned,” Naomi thought," like the kind Grandma Tina wore in her childhood photographs."

"Thanks,” said Tina wearily, "I was pounding on the door forever. It might be a little dented. The engine's busted, but thank goodness you came by. I need help finding some tools to fix it. I could've opened the door myself, but I couldn't find my key in the dark!” Naomi gaped at Tina and tried to take in everything she said, but none of the things she said made sense in any way. Questions filled her mind. "Um, well...yeah, I'll be glad to show you around, and uh...what's that about an engine again?”

"The engine. The time machine's engine,” said Tina. Before Naomi could ask another question, she went on, "Sorry for asking, but where am I, and what year is it?" Naomi frowned. What sort of question was that? "Well, you're on Maple Street , Chicago , and it's the sixteenth of July, two-thousand fourteen."

Now it was Tina's turn to be surprised. "Really? Whoa," she said. "Man, this time machine is really busted."

Naomi scoffed, "Time machine? What, that thing?” She pointed to the box.

Tina answered proudly, "Yeah. I'll tell you on the way to where you are going,” Naomi pointed to a store down the street. "There, Chicago Styles. The best clothes store there is.” Tina nodded and started walking.

By the time the girls had arrived at the store, Tina had explained everything to Naomi; she lives in a ranch in Arizona where horses, cows, sheep, cats, and dogs are your best friends. Her father gave her a time machine for her birthday, and she had decided to try it out. Somehow, she'd landed here.

As the girls entered the store, Naomi asked, "What's your name?

Tina grinned sheepishly. "Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm Tina Smith.”

Naomi looked at her strangely and said, "You're...? Oh, never mind. I'm Naomi Jones, by the way.”

A few hours later, Naomi completed her shopping and took Tina home with her. Just then, Naomi remembered that she had seen an old photograph of her grandmother when her grandmother was young. She looked exactly like Tina. "Are you Grandma Tina?" she asked.

"Am I who?!"

"Grandma Tina...my grandma...Tina Smith?"

Tina laughed. "No, I don't think so, because first of all, I don't plan on getting married, ever, and secondly, you my grandchild?!" Tina thought that was the joke of the century.

As Tina and Naomi walked past Tina's time machine, Naomi asked, "What are you going to do with your time machine?”

Tina said, "Well...can I keep it in your backyard or something? I have to take with me.” Naomi nodded and helped Tina carry it. "It's not very heavy,” she remarked, surprised.

When they reached Naomi's house, Tina asked worriedly, "What will you say to your mom?”

Naomi waved it away and said, "I know what to do, don't worry. Just go on back and drop the time machine off.” Tina did that and met Naomi in the front of her house. Naomi was holding an old photo album. She grinned triumphantly and thrust it at Tina. "Yes?" asked Tina, raising an eyebrow. She glanced down at the album and, to her astonishment, saw her own face grinning back at her. "Where'd you get this?" Tina breathed, "Hey! That's Coke!" she pointed to the brown-colored dog next to her in the picture. Tina looked up. "Really, where did you get it?"

In reply, Naomi turned over the photograph. Tina read the writing on the back. It said, "Tina Smith, 1972."

"See, you are my grandma," said Naomi.

"Wow, I guess I am after all," smiled Tina.

"Now,” she said briskly, "Getting down to business. I need to check my time machine and make sure nothing is seriously wrong.” Naomi nodded and followed Tina out to the back. She watched her kneel down and examine the whole thing. When she was through checking the engine in the front, she straightened up and said, "Well, the door's kind of dented from where I was pounding it, but the engine...” Tina trailed off. Naomi said, “I'll help you fix it.”

"Thanks,” Tina said, smiling weakly, "but I don't even know how to fix it.” Naomi thought for a while. "Your dad should have left some sort of instructions in your time machine. You know, like a manual.”

"I've never thought of that,” said Tina slowly. "Well, it's the best chance we've got. Let's look for it.”

The girls spent three minutes searching for some sort of instructions Mr. Smith left. Naomi found a small pamphlet and gave it to Tina, who hugged her friend and thanked her. Then she opened it and studied its contents. "Actually, the engine isn't very hard to put together. I just need to find the right supplies to build it.”

For the rest of the afternoon, the girls ran around town collecting materials for building the engine. By the time the sun had set and the temperature had cooled, Tina had finished constructing a new engine. "Wow, that's amazing,” Naomi admired. Indeed, the engine shone in the dark. Tina carefully wired it to the time machine and turned to face her friend. "Well,” she said. Naomi could feel her eyes stinging. "Bye,” she said, hugging her grandmother. "See you soon Grandma Tina.”

"See you in the future, Naomi. Thanks for everything,” Tina responded. She climbed into the time machine and shut the door. She turned it on and smiled. " Arizona , here I come.”

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, providing description and vivid details regarding the plot and characters that are all relevant to the story. Furthermore, the writer dives into the topic of the prompt early on in the essay. (“‘Oh no,’ Tina whispered to herself, ‘No, no, no.’ The twelve-year-old girl reached forward in the dark to feel the time machine's engine. It was just as she feared; the engine was cold. She groaned. Why did bad luck have to get her at this time? Tina heaved a sigh and sat back to contemplate her next move.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very effective and well developed. The plot and setting are thoroughly developed and detailed. (“Naomi took a step, and then hesitated. As if she couldn't bear it anymore, she followed the direction of the sound. She rounded the corner of Maple Street and saw a strange sight. Sitting on the sidewalk was some sort of box, an oddly shaped one at that. It was covered with a crinkly, shiny, multicolored foil and there were flashing lights all over it. It was as big as a doghouse.”) Characters are complex and described in detail for readers. (“When it straightened up, Naomi saw that ‘it’ was Tina. She was wearing dirt-streaked jeans and a loose blouse. There was a red ribbon in her brown, curly hair.”) The writer clearly establishes a conflict that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used very effectively to reveal the characters’ thoughts and to add an element of action to the story. (“A few hours later, Naomi completed her shopping and took Tina home with her. Just then, Naomi remembered that she had seen an old photograph of her grandmother when her grandmother was young. She looked exactly like Tina. ‘Are you Grandma Tina?’ she asked.”)

Organization

This essay is organized very effectively with a number of paragraphs. The writer captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. (“‘Oh no,’ Tina whispered to herself, ‘No, no, no.’ The twelve-year-old girl reached forward in the dark to feel the time machine's engine. It was just as she feared; the engine was cold. She groaned. Why did bad luck have to get her at this time? Tina heaved a sigh and sat back to contemplate her next move.”) The story flows very smoothly due to excellent transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion pulls the entire story together and fills in any gaps for the readers. (“For the rest of the afternoon, the girls ran around town collecting materials for building the eng i ne. By the time the sun had set and the temperature had cooled, Tina had finished constructing a new engine. ‘Wow, that's amazing,’ Naomi admired. Indeed, the engine shone in the dark. Tina carefully wired it to the time machine and turned to face her friend. ‘Well,’ she said. Naomi could feel her eyes stinging. ‘Bye,’ she said, hugging her grandmother. ‘See you soon Grandma Tina.’ … ‘See you in the future, Naomi. Thanks for everything,’ Tina responded. She climbed into the time machine and shut the door. She turned it on and smiled. ‘ Arizona , here I come.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience are evident; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied. (“ Naomi took a step, and then hesitated. As if she couldn't bear it anymore, she followed the direction of the sound. She rounded the corner of Maple Street and saw a strange sight. Sitting on the sidewalk was some sort of box, an oddly shaped one at that. It was covered with a crinkly, shiny, multicolored foil and there were flashing lights all over it. It was as big as a doghouse.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay along with very few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“She slowed to a walk, but something told her to hurry up. She quickened her pace and walked for some time. Suddenly, she stopped. Naomi strained her ears.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was just an ordinary day in my boring neighborhood while I was playing with my soccerball as my dogs, Chip and Copper, were trying to take the ball away from my feet. I sat on the grass as my cell phone starting moving in my pocket. I took my phone out of my pocket and looked at the caller ID to learn that it was my best friend Macy. I pressed the answer button and started talking. "Hey Macy." I greeted. "Hey Steph, guess what I just made!" she practically yelled into the phone. "Let me guess," I wondered what she would have made and said "a Sponge Bob Square Pants machine?" I heard her breathing into the phone when she finally said "What are you talking about? I already tried that project yesterday! Today I made a time machine!" My eyes grew big and then i burst out in laughter. "I'll believe that when one of your crazy inventions actually works!" Macy just sighed and said "Okay then why dont you come over to my house and see it for your self." I thought about it and finally said "Your on."

I hung up the phone and started walking to her house. Once I was there, I walked up the driveway and knocked on the garage door. It opened and I walked into see Macy standing next to a large rectangular box that was platinum. "What do you think?" she said. "Shiny!" was all i managed to say while i was look at my reflection. She chuckled "You want to give it a test drive?" she asked. "Is it safe?" I asked knowing that most of her inventions were dangerous. "Absoulutely!" she said. I agreed as we walked into the box. She pressed a few buttons as we started to fade away. I saw a sort of timeline in front of me as soon as we hit the 1970's, everything went black.

I woke up next to Macy in an alley with a lot of gravel. I poked Macy and yelled at her to wake up as she jumped in surprise. "What happened Macy?" I asked. "I'm not so sure, did it work?" I got up and looked around and saw a man looking at me. He was wearing some sort of bell bottoms with an afro and a wavy shirt. "Hi?" I said. He just looked at me as if I were and alien. "What are you wearing?" he asked. I was thinking the same thing.

I walked past him to see a whole bunch of people wearing his type of clothes. I turned back to Macy and yelled" Oh My Gosh It Worked!" She walked past me and looked at all the strange outfits. She turned back to me and started to scream. "Ahhhhh!" I covered my ears as i walked over to her and covered her mouth. "Be quiet!" I whispered harshly. She nodded as I released my grip on her. "Ok I say we should go and buy some clothes to blend in for now." She nodded again and said "Ok." We started walking up a hill while ignoring the strange looks we got from the people of this time. We reached a store where they had a whole bunch of clothes so we walked in and walked up to the cashier. She looked up at us weirdly and said "Can I help you?" I asked "How much does this cost?" She looked at me again and said "Lets just say a lot." She looked us up and down and must have felt bad for us because she let us each have one out fit for free. We thanked her for about the thousanth time before we left the store to explore. We stopped by a club and walked in and just randomly started dancing.

After an hour or so of partying, we left back tot the alley. We found the time machine in the back of the alley as Macy started up the machine. "Come on!" she said. I walked into the time machine as we entered the strange vortex again and as the last time, everything went black.

I woke up to my dogs licking my face. I gently pushed them off of me as I sat up. I looked around and realized I was in my backyard. I started pattin my dogs heads' as I started to think about my "groovy" trip.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are good. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The plot is described, and relevant details regarding the main characters’ journey in the time machine are provided. (“I agreed as we walked into the box. She pressed a few buttons as we started to fade away. I saw a sort of timeline in front of me as soon as we hit the 1970's, everything went black.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content and development are good. A well-developed plot and setting are provided in six detailed paragraphs. Believable, everyday characters are created and described. A conflict is established that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used effectively to enable the readers to capture a more vivid mental picture of the characters. (“‘Today I made a time machine!’ My eyes grew big and then i burst out in laughter. ‘I'll believe that when one of your crazy inventions actually works!’ Macy just sighed and said ‘Okay then why dont you come over to my house and see it for your self.’ I thought about it and finally said ‘Your on.’”)

Organization

This essay is organized well with six paragraphs that include proper opening and concluding paragraphs. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides the readers with a sense of completeness in which any gaps in the story are filled. (“I woke up to my dogs licking my face. I gently pushed them off of me as I sat up. I looked around and realized I was in my backyard. I started pattin my dogs heads' as I started to think about my ‘groovy’ trip.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; sentences are well structured with some variety . (“I woke up to my dogs licking my face. I gently pushed them off of me as I sat up. I looked around and realized I was in my backyard.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is shown in this essay. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the writer’s message. (“ It was just an ordinary day in my boring neighborhood while I was playing with my soccerball as my dogs, Chip and Copper, were trying to take the ball away from my feet.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time I was walking in the park and I saw something fall out of the sky. Then, I started running to see what had happened. Once I got there was a huge machine as big as a house. There was a door so then I opened the door. There was a side of the time machine with many buttons. I got so curious then I pushed a button with the coding. Then the machine stopped I opened the door and I saw many weird things. The reason I saw many weird things is because I went back to the past. so then I got scared because there was no one there I knew.

After I got out of the machine completely and I saw old cars and people dressed in weird clothes. So then I asked a little girl what year is it and she said it was 1970. So what happened next was I going crazy because I wasn't in my own time. After, I went to go find the time machine and what had happened was that the machine wasn't there anymore. Then I didn't know what to do was keep looking for the machine. After a while I got tired and I couldn't find the time machine and I got really scared. Then, I started crying because I was scared and I didn't know what to do.

Then, I was sitting by myself and then a little girl came up to me and said what's wrong. So I didn't want to be rude and I told her I wanted to get back to my time. So she said what do you mean to your time I told her that I was from the future. The little girl didn't believe me so I told her to do some tests. So then she asked me some questions and I got them all wrong. Then, I said see I am from the future. I told her can you help me find my time machine and she said yes I felt very grateful.

After, a while we stopped by a park near by and we heard many noises and we went to see what it was. What I told the little girls was that it sounded like my time machine. Once, we got there it was my time machine. I was so excited that I wanted to leave right away. Then, I told the little girl thanks so much I also, told her if I still have the time machine I will come and visit you. Lastly, I said my good- byes but at the same time I was sad because I thought the past was very awesome. Well, I got back to my time and was so happy and every time I was happy I went to the park.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are adequate. A basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated by the writer. Relevant descriptions and details are provided regarding the main character’s journey in the time machine, which are relevant to the story. (“After I got out of the machine completely and I saw old cars and people dressed in weird clothes. So then I asked a little girl what year is it and she said it was 1970. So what happened next was I going crazy because I wasn't in my own time.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. A believable main character is created, but with fewer details about this character. A specific conflict is established, regarding the protagonist’s journey in the time machine, which holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. (“After a while I got tired and I couldn't find the time machine and I got really scared. Then, I started crying because I was scared and I didn't know what to do.”)

Organization

The organization of this four-paragraph essay is adequate. The author provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps the readers’ attention. (“One time I was walking in the park and I saw something fall out of the sky. Then, I started running to see what had happened. Once I got there was a huge machine as big as a house. There was a door so then I opened the door. There was a side of the time machine with many buttons.”) The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. A conclusion that sums up the story nicely is also provided. (“Lastly, I said my good- byes but at the same time I was sad because I thought the past was very awesome. Well, I got back to my time and was so happy and every time I was happy I went to the park.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is adequate. A ppropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice is apparent within this essay. Sentence structure is generally correct with some variety. (“ After, a while we stopped by a park near by and we heard many noises and we went to see what it was. What I told the little girls was that it sounded like my time machine. Once, we got there it was my time machine. I was so excited that I wanted to leave right away.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“After, a while we stopped by a park near by and we heard many noises and we went to see what it was. What I told the little girls was that it sounded like my time machine.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One day I was sleeping in my bed, I woke up because I heard a big loud noise. It went down stairs to check what was going on "bang!" the noise just kept on going. It was making my head hurt. I went down to the basment. There was a big huge machine and it kept on going "bang!" I was like I showed just fix it or I will never get some sleep. so I opened it and noticed it was a time machine.

I thought to my self "a time machine? I thought they aren't real" I entered the time machine and it took me to the past like 200 years back. were the dinosaros were real. I got back in and then it took me to the future. Were the cars are flying. I thought it was so cool so then if I can go way back to the past and to the future. "I can go back to yestarday and never brake my moms favorite cristal angle?" I thought to my self.

I just needed to check out how it worked. I typed in the date from yesterday and time that it happened. thats were I appered. I saw myself walking. I thought it was so weired.Then i was making sure no one else saw me. I jumped over the fence and moved the cristal angle outta my way when i came back to the right time. I saw the cristyle angle there still standing with the plant on it, and no one remembers that I ever dropped it. All thanks to the time machine.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. There are few details and descriptions used, some of which are not relevant to the story. (“I entered the time machine and it took me to the past like 200 years back. were the dinosaros were real. I got back in and then it took me to the future. Were the cars are flying.”)

Content & Development

The content and development are limited in this essay. The plot, setting, and characters are only adequately developed, and the essay lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. The conflict of the story is stated, but not developed. Some dialogue is used to reveal the main character’s thoughts. (“I just needed to check out how it worked. I typed in the date from yesterday and time that it happened. thats were I appered. I saw myself walking. I thought it was so weired.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this three-paragraph essay. A brief, adequate opening is provided. (“One day I was sleeping in my bed, I woke up because I heard a big loud noise. It went down stairs to check what was going on ‘bang!’ the noise just kept on going.”) Also, the main conflict of the story, the protagonist’s going back to the past to prevent his/her mother’s crystal figurine from breaking, is not mentioned until the end of the second paragraph. Transitions are few and weak; however, the readers are provided with some sense of closure. (“I saw the cristyle angle there still standing with the plant on it, and no one remembers that I ever dropped it. All thanks to the time machine.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. (“I entered the time machine and it took me to the past like 200 years back. were the dinosaros were real. I got back in and then it took me to the future. Were the cars are flying. I thought it was so cool so then if I can go way back to the past and to the future. ‘I can go back to yestarday and never brake my moms favorite cristal angle?’ I thought to my self.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“I just needed to check out how it worked. I typed in the date from yesterday and time that it happened. thats were I appered. I saw myself walking. I thought it was so weired.Then i was making sure no one else saw me.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I found a time machine the first place I would go would be back in the 20's or something.So I could invent something we have today that they didn't have back then,so I could make allot of money.Also I would go all the way back to were they had the dinosaurs because I always wanted to see a dinosaur.Another thing I would do is go into the future and see what the world is like and if they have flying cars and stuff like that.Also when I'm in the future I would go find myself and see what I grew up to be.Hopefully I didn't grow up to be Something bad or works at mcdonalds or something like that.

If I was to help a sick person with this time machine I would probably go into the future and see if they have a cure for a certain disease or something. Also I would go into the future and find a cure for cancer yeah that would be a good idea. Maybe I would go back in time all the way to the stone age and hang with the cave men that would be awesome. Then if you really think about it I don't think at any time there would be a time machine I think it's just something they show in cartoons and movies.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are minimal. A minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. Descriptions and details, such as the statement made at the end of the essay about time machines not being real, are provided that seem to stray from the point of the story. (“Then if you really think about it I don't think at any time there would be a time machine I think it's just something they show in cartoons and movies.”) In addition, the writer merely discusses his/her ideas of where to travel in a time machine without providing much actual plot. (“If I found a time machine the first place I would go would be back in the 20's or something.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content, including plot and setting, is developed minimally; the writer merely discusses his/her ideas of where to travel in a time machine without providing much actual plot. Characters are not described, the story lacks conflict, and there is no dialogue; rather, the writer presents thoughts as to where he/she would travel if provided with a time machine. (“If I was to help a sick person with this time machine I would probably go into the future and see if they have a cure for a certain disease or something.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization, as it only consists of two paragraphs. A proper opening and closing are not provided. The flow of the essay is difficult to follow due to the writer’s use of ideas related to where he/she would travel in a time machine if given the opportunity. (“Maybe I would go back in time all the way to the stone age and hang with the cave men that would be awesome. Then if you really think about it I don't think at any time there would be a time machine I think it's just something they show in cartoons and movies.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. P oor language and word choice with little awareness of audience is demonstrated. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also apparent. Furthermore, the language used in this essay is closer to that of spoken, rather than written, language. (“Hopefully I didn't grow up to be Something bad or works at mcdonalds or something like that…Also I would go into the future and find a cure for cancer yeah that would be a good idea.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“If I found a time machine the first place I would go would be back in the 20's or something.So I could invent something we have today that they didn't have back then,so I could make allot of money.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Today is so special because I found a time machine and so I went in it and in the inside there were a lot of buttons with numbers on them so I pressed 5,000 years ago and I seen a lot of dinosaurs they all are in herd's mean that they all stick to gather all eat different things like some eat meat and they are called meat eater's they would eat other dinosaurs and the non meters are plant eater's witch mean some thing that don’t eat meat. There are all kind of herbivores like the club tail and the triceratops and more. The meat eaters are called T-rex and they only eat meat.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. A lmost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated, and very few details are provided in the story. (“There are all kind of herbivores like the club tail and the triceratops and more. The meat eaters are called T-rex and they only eat meat.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are inadequate. It l acks an identifiable plot, as only a bit of the setting is described. Characters are never introduced; instead, the writer only writes from his/her point of view. Lack of conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. (“There are all kind of herbivores like the club tail and the triceratops and more. The meat eaters are called T-rex and they only eat meat.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate, as it only consists of one paragraph without a formal introduction or conclusion. Furthermore, the story lacks basic organization, as there is no clear beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. (“Today is so special because I found a time machine and so I went in it and in the inside there were a lot of buttons with numbers on them so I pressed 5,000 years ago and I seen a lot of dinosaurs they all are in herd's mean that they all stick to gather all eat different things like some eat meat and they are called meat eater's they would eat other dinosaurs and the non meters are plant eater's witch mean some thing that don’t eat meat.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. U nclear language and word choice are demonstrated, in addition to a lack of audience awareness. There are major errors in usage and sentence structure, as the first sentence is just one long sentence containing too many ideas connected by a number of conjunctions. (“Today is so special because I found a time machine and so I went in it and in the inside there were a lot of buttons with numbers on them so I pressed 5,000 years ago and I seen a lot of dinosaurs they all are in herd's mean that they all stick to gather all eat different things like some eat meat and they are called meat eater's they would eat other dinosaurs and the non meters are plant eater's witch mean some thing that don’t eat meat.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“Today is so special because I found a time machine and so I went in it and in the inside there were a lot of buttons with numbers on them so I pressed 5,000 years ago and I seen a lot of dinosaurs they all are in herd's mean that they all stick to gather all eat different things like some eat meat and they are called meat eater's they would eat other dinosaurs and the non meters are plant eater's witch mean some thing that don’t eat meat.”)

At the Bus Stop

Click here to view the image.

Click here to view the printable version of the image and assignment.

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Yesterday had undeniably, unquestionably, absolutely, positively been the worst day of my whole entire life! I had begged and begged my mom not to make me go to school today. It was Friday after all, and we never do anything worthwhile on Fridays. If only she could just give me Friday, and the weekend. Maybe everyone would have at least mostly forgotten what happened by Monday. How could my mom make me go to school today?

"Please, mom! Here comes the bus! We still have time to turn around and go home now."

"Everything is going to be fine, you'll see. Your friends will be kind to you. They won't make you suffer too long. Despite what you think, I'm on your side. Unfortunately for you, it's a school day today and you are not sick, you are just embarrassed."

There was the undeniable screeching of the bus brakes. This meant that in just a few short seconds, I would have to encounter the faces that watched me make a complete and utter fool of myself less than 24 hours ago. How could my mom make me do this? What does she mean when she says, “my friends would be kind to me”? On the contrary, my friends were going to delight in making me relive each and every scintillating detail of the worst event of my life. I'm quite positive that they had already thought of a myriad of ways to make me suffer.

It was my last chance. I looked at my mom and said beseechingly, "I can still make a run for it! Please, mom, let me go!"

She retorted, "Get on that bus!"

At that very instant, the bus doors swung open with a loud whoosh, and my fate awaited me. With one last imploring look at my mom, I turned to step up onto the bus steps. Each step seemed insurmountable, with my legs like lead weights and my backpack feeling like a hundred pound boulder. Three steps and I was at the top, facing the bus driver, Big Joe. Big Joe's face was the only face on that bus that had not seen me during the school play yesterday. I could tell that Big Joe knew what had happened to me at school yesterday though, by the big goofy smile he had plastered across his face. Big Joe never smiled, but here, he was smiling from ear to ear, thinking back on what my friends surely had described to him. The whole bus sat silently, just waiting for me to turn to face them.

Big Joe, still smiling, said with a gravely laugh, "Get back there, David, you got to get it over with sooner or later."

With my head bowed down low, I reluctantly turned to the left and tried to make my way down the aisle without making eye contact with a soul. Slowly but surely, the interminable silence turned into a deafening cheer. I couldn't believe my ears; they were cheering for me, not belittling me!

"Yeah! David!"

"You were awesome, David!

"Incredible!"

Those were just a few of the things I heard as I headed to my usual seat towards the back of the bus. It was unbelievable, but everyone was actually congratulating me for what I believed would be the most awkward, atrocious moments I would ever have to endure. Who would have thought that my unwieldy, frantic performance during the final act of the school play yesterday would incite cheers among my classmates?

It was my job to add the final touch of a light snow over the actors’ heads as the play came to a close. I listened intently for my queues that day. It was our very first performance for the whole school. The works above the stage were old and rickety, and no one would brave going up there except for me. I didn't like it either, but our arrogant, irascible stage manager insisted I would be perfectly safe. I, on the other hand, was dubious.

At the critical moment yesterday, the works platform collapsed beneath me, and there I was, with my bucket of snow, clinging desperately to my safety rope, swinging crazily through the last and final scene of the play. Apparently, during those dreadful moments that I traveled from one side of the stage to the other on my rope, I managed to knock out the drama teacher, give the school's most dreaded mean girl an enormous, shiny, black eye, and drop the bucket of snow on the head of the school principal, who had run onto the stage to try and help.

I guess that would have been pretty awesome to see. If only I could have been there watching it with everyone else, and not living it up there on the stage. Not wanting to face the embarrassment, I had taken off running yesterday. Without one look behind me, I had headed home and sequestered myself. If I had known better, I would have stood up and taken a bow.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. Relevant descriptions and details are used. The writer reflectively showcases his/her character as someone who starts out feeling humiliated at the bus stop to someone who learns a lesson at the end of the story.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation and finally reveals what had happened to David at school the day before. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are standing right beside David, feeling his embarrassment. (“Apparently, during those dreadful moments that I traveled from one side of the stage to the other on my rope, I managed to knock out the drama teacher, give the school's most dreaded mean girl an enormous, shiny, black eye, and drop the bucket of snow on the head of the school principal, who had run onto the stage to try and help. I guess that would have been pretty awesome to see. If only I could have been there watching it with everyone else, and not living it up there on the stage. Not wanting to face the embarrassment, I had taken off running yesterday. Without one look behind me, I had headed home and sequestered myself.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the story, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the main character’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences faced by the main character at the bus stop. (“With my head bowed down low, I reluctantly turned to the left and tried to make my way down the aisle without making eye contact with a soul. Slowly but surely, the interminable silence turned into a deafening cheer. I couldn't believe my ears; they were cheering for me, not belittling me! ‘Yeah! David!’ ‘You were awesome, David! ‘Incredible!’ Those were just a few of the things I heard as I headed to my usual seat towards the back of the bus. It was unbelievable, but everyone was actually congratulating me for what I believed would be the most awkward, atrocious moments I would ever have to endure. Who would have thought that my unwieldy, frantic performance during the final act of the school play yesterday would incite cheers among my classmates?”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the supporting details very effectively communicate the main character’s experience. (“There was the undeniable screeching of the bus brakes. This meant that in just a few short seconds, I would have to encounter the faces that watched me make a complete and utter fool of myself less than 24 hours ago. How could my mom make me do this? What does she mean when she says, ‘my friends would be kind to me’? On the contrary, my friends were going to delight in making me relive each and every scintillating detail of the worst event of my life. I'm quite positive that they had already thought of a myriad of ways to make me suffer. It was my last chance. I looked at my mom and said beseechingly, ‘I can still make a run for it! Please, mom, let me go!’ She retorted, ‘Get on that bus!’”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the incident that took place during the school play and the main character’s experiences in dealing with its aftermath. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the narrative are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a bus driver who adds color to the scene when David is getting on the bus to face his peers. (“Each step seemed insurmountable, with my legs like lead weights and my backpack feeling like a hundred pound boulder. Three steps and I was at the top, facing the bus driver, Big Joe. Big Joe's face was the only face on that bus that had not seen me during the school play yesterday. I could tell that Big Joe knew what had happened to me at school yesterday though, by the big goofy smile he had plastered across his face. Big Joe never smiled, but here, he was smiling from ear to ear, thinking back on what my friends surely had described to him. The whole bus sat silently, just waiting for me to turn to face them. Big Joe, still smiling, said with a gravely laugh, ‘Get back there, David, you got to get it over with sooner or later.’”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer’s main character is extremely reluctant to go to the bus stop because of something that happened to him at school the day before. (“Yesterday had undeniably, unquestionably, absolutely, positively been the worst day of my whole entire life! I had begged and begged my mom not to make me go to school today. It was Friday after all, and we never do anything worthwhile on Fridays. If only she could just give me Friday, and the weekend. Maybe everyone would have at least mostly forgotten what happened by Monday. How could my mom make me go to school today? ‘Please, mom! Here comes the bus! We still have time to turn around and go home now.’ ‘Everything is going to be fine, you'll see. Your friends will be kind to you. They won't make you suffer too long. Despite what you think, I'm on your side. Unfortunately for you, it's a school day today and you are not sick, you are just embarrassed.’”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the incident that occurred during the school play so that readers can understand why David feels so humiliated. (“It was my job to add the final touch of a light snow over the actors’ heads as the play came to a close. I listened intently for my queues that day. It was our very first performance for the whole school. The works above the stage were old and rickety, and no one would brave going up there except for me. I didn't like it either, but our arrogant, irascible stage manager insisted I would be perfectly safe. I, on the other hand, was dubious. At the critical moment yesterday, the works platform collapsed beneath me, and there I was, with my bucket of snow, clinging desperately to my safety rope, swinging crazily through the last and final scene of the play. Apparently, during those dreadful moments that I traveled from one side of the stage to the other on my rope, I managed to knock out the drama teacher, give the school's most dreaded mean girl an enormous, shiny, black eye, and drop the bucket of snow on the head of the school principal, who had run onto the stage to try and help.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a young boy who does not want to go to school, and readers are left to wonder what happened to make the character feel this way. (“Yesterday had undeniably, unquestionably, absolutely, positively been the worst day of my whole entire life! I had begged and begged my mom not to make me go to school today. It was Friday after all, and we never do anything worthwhile on Fridays. If only she could just give me Friday, and the weekend. Maybe everyone would have at least mostly forgotten what happened by Monday. How could my mom make me go to school today? ‘Please, mom! Here comes the bus! We still have time to turn around and go home now.’ ‘Everything is going to be fine, you'll see. Your friends will be kind to you. They won't make you suffer too long. Despite what you think, I'm on your side. Unfortunately for you, it's a school day today and you are not sick, you are just embarrassed.’”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“At the critical moment yesterday, the works platform collapsed beneath me, and there I was, with my bucket of snow, clinging desperately to my safety rope, swinging crazily through the last and final scene of the play. Apparently, during those dreadful moments that I traveled from one side of the stage to the other on my rope, I managed to knock out the drama teacher, give the school's most dreaded mean girl an enormous, shiny, black eye, and drop the bucket of snow on the head of the school principal, who had run onto the stage to try and help.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending that emphasizes the main character’s realization that he had nothing to be embarrassed about. (“I guess that would have been pretty awesome to see. If only I could have been there watching it with everyone else, and not living it up there on the stage. Not wanting to face the embarrassment, I had taken off running yesterday. Without one look behind me, I had headed home and sequestered myself. If I had known better, I would have stood up and taken a bow.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the main character’s experience getting on the bus. (“ At that very instant, the bus doors swung open with a loud whoosh, and my fate awaited me. With one last imploring look at my mom, I turned to step up onto the bus steps. Each step seemed insurmountable, with my legs like lead weights and my backpack feeling like a hundred pound boulder. Three steps and I was at the top, facing the bus driver, Big Joe. Big Joe's face was the only face on that bus that had not seen me during the school play yesterday. I could tell that Big Joe knew what had happened to me at school yesterday though, by the big goofy smile he had plastered across his face.”)

The writer incorporates a more sophisticated style of writing when the story’s main character recounts the incident that happened during the school play. (“ At the critical moment yesterday, the works platform collapsed beneath me, and there I was, with my bucket of snow, clinging desperately to my safety rope, swinging crazily through the last and final scene of the play. Apparently, during those dreadful moments that I traveled from one side of the stage to the other on my rope, I managed to knock out the drama teacher, give the school's most dreaded mean girl an enormous, shiny, black eye, and drop the bucket of snow on the head of the school principal, who had run onto the stage to try and help. ”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the main character’s humiliation as he boards the bus for the first time after the incident at the school play. (“ What does she mean when she says, ‘my friends would be kind to me’? On the contrary, my friends were going to delight in making me relive each and every scintillating detail of the worst event of my life. I'm quite positive that they had already thought of a myriad of ways to make me suffer. It was my last chance. I looked at my mom and said beseechingly, ‘I can still make a run for it! Please, mom, let me go!’ She retorted, ‘Get on that bus!’ At that very instant, the bus doors swung open with a loud whoosh, and my fate awaited me. With one last imploring look at my mom, I turned to step up onto the bus steps. Each step seemed insurmountable, with my legs like lead weights and my backpack feeling like a hundred pound boulder. Three steps and I was at the top, facing the bus driver, Big Joe.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ There was the undeniable screeching of the bus brakes. This meant that in just a few short seconds, I would have to encounter the faces that watched me make a complete and utter fool of myself less than 24 hours ago. How could my mom make me do this? What does she mean when she says, ‘my friends would be kind to me’?”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"Mom, do I have to?" The little boy asked his mom. It was the first day of kindergarten and Johnny was scared. School was a whole new experience for him. His mom, Martha, had put him in a preschool class when he was three, but it only took two days of nonstop crying once he had been dropped off for her to take him out of there permanently. Since then, Johnny had been home with his mom every day and he had been happy.

Then August rolled around and Johnny realized something that put him a little on edge. School started in September. He had always remembered that because school and September both start with the letter 's', but tricks like that wouldn't get him ready for school. Martha and Johnny had been together every day since he was born. Martha was a stay-at-home mother and had always been there for him. Johnny realized he couldn't take her to school. The only times they had been separated that he could think of was the times when his dad was home from work and they went out for ice cream or to a ball game while his mom stayed home. However, Johnny couldn't take his dad to school either.

So, on the first day of school, at around 6 o'clock, Johnny was awake. He wasn't awake because of excitement, but rather, because of terror. It could have just been the tales of kids getting sick at school and mean strict teachers, but Johnny was completely freaked out. Martha, on the other hand, was completely calm. She knew that Johnny was smart. What other five-year-old can already read the Harry Potter series by themselves? Even if Johnny hadn't figured it out yet, Martha knew that once he got there, he'd be distracted by some aspect of the learning institution. She only had to get him there.

At the bus stop, Johnny stood nervously next to his mom. He was clutching her hand as hard as he could, but the bus would show up soon and his hold on her would be broken for the first time, in a more permanent, life-altering way.

Johnny peered around his mom to where the bus would soon be coming. For now, all he could see was the street lined with trees blowing in the wind. He stood there waiting for the bus to show up for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the large yellow contraption snuck around the corner. It seemed to creep up on Johnny and his mom as he jammed himself closer to her.

The bus slowed to a stop in front of them and the door swung open. Johnny looked into the open door and saw a jolly looking woman sitting in the driver seat. She smiled down at him and said, "Are you getting on?"

"I guess so..." Johnny trailed off and looked up at his mom. Martha smiled encouragingly at him and carefully removed herself from his grasp.

"Go on," she said.

Johnny took a deep breath and stepped towards the bus. He cautiously walked up the steps. He stopped at the top, looked back at his mom and gave her a quick wave. She waved back and hoped Johnny couldn't see the tears welling up in her eyes. Martha was distraught about this day too, but she had to show him she was ready for it. Johnny felt the same way.

He walked slowly down the center aisle, scanning the seats for somewhere to sit. Finally, he saw a boy who looked just how Johnny felt. He walked over to the seat and bravely asked if he could sit with him.

The other boy looked up at him and said, "Okay. My name is Andrew."

"Hi. My name is Johnny. Are you starting kindergarten, too?"

"Yea, I have Mrs. Smith."

"Me too!" Johnny smiled at Andrew and he knew that school wouldn't be so hard. He already had one friend. Making more wouldn't be difficult. So, it was with a light heart that Johnny rode to school after his first day at the bus stop.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the main character’s fear of his first day at the bus stop. (“‘Mom, do I have to?’ The little boy asked his mom. It was the first day of kindergarten and Johnny was scared. School was a whole new experience for him. His mom, Martha, had put him in a preschool class when he was three, but it only took two days of nonstop crying once he had been dropped off for her to take him out of there permanently. Since then, Johnny had been home with his mom every day and he had been happy. Then August rolled around and Johnny realized something that put him a little on edge. School started in September. He had always remembered that because school and September both start with the letter 's', but tricks like that wouldn't get him ready for school. Martha and Johnny had been together every day since he was born. Martha was a stay-at-home mother and had always been there for him. Johnny realized he couldn't take her to school.”)

All parts of the story relate to the main event. (“At the bus stop, Johnny stood nervously next to his mom. He was clutching her hand as hard as he could, but the bus would show up soon and his hold on her would be broken for the first time, in a more permanent, life-altering way. Johnny peered around his mom to where the bus would soon be coming. For now, all he could see was the street lined with trees blowing in the wind. He stood there waiting for the bus to show up for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the large yellow contraption snuck around the corner. It seemed to creep up on Johnny and his mom as he jammed himself closer to her. The bus slowed to a stop in front of them and the door swung open. Johnny looked into the open door and saw a jolly looking woman sitting in the driver seat. She smiled down at him and said, ‘Are you getting on?’”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides many details that support the events experienced by the main characters in a meaningful way. (“Johnny took a deep breath and stepped towards the bus. He cautiously walked up the steps. He stopped at the top, looked back at his mom and gave her a quick wave. She waved back and hoped Johnny couldn't see the tears welling up in her eyes. Martha was distraught about this day too, but she had to show him she was ready for it. Johnny felt the same way. He walked slowly down the center aisle, scanning the seats for somewhere to sit. Finally, he saw a boy who looked just how Johnny felt. He walked over to the seat and bravely asked if he could sit with him. The other boy looked up at him and said, ‘Okay. My name is Andrew.’”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as he awaits the arrival of his bus at the bus stop. (“At the bus stop, Johnny stood nervously next to his mom. He was clutching her hand as hard as he could, but the bus would show up soon and his hold on her would be broken for the first time, in a more permanent, life-altering way. Johnny peered around his mom to where the bus would soon be coming. For now, all he could see was the street lined with trees blowing in the wind. He stood there waiting for the bus to show up for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the large yellow contraption snuck around the corner. It seemed to creep up on Johnny and his mom as he jammed himself closer to her.”)

Specific details help readers understand the characters’ thoughts and feelings throughout the story. (“The bus slowed to a stop in front of them and the door swung open. Johnny looked into the open door and saw a jolly looking woman sitting in the driver seat. She smiled down at him and said, ‘Are you getting on?’ ‘I guess so...’ Johnny trailed off and looked up at his mom. Martha smiled encouragingly at him and carefully removed herself from his grasp. ‘Go on,’ she said. Johnny took a deep breath and stepped towards the bus. He cautiously walked up the steps. He stopped at the top, looked back at his mom and gave her a quick wave. She waved back and hoped Johnny couldn't see the tears welling up in her eyes. Martha was distraught about this day too, but she had to show him she was ready for it. Johnny felt the same way.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Then August rolled around and Johnny realized something that put him a little on edge. School started in September. He had always remembered that because school and September both start with the letter 's', but tricks like that wouldn't get him ready for school. Martha and Johnny had been together every day since he was born. Martha was a stay-at-home mother and had always been there for him. Johnny realized he couldn't take her to school. The only times they had been separated that he could think of was the times when his dad was home from work and they went out for ice cream or to a ball game while his mom stayed home. However, Johnny couldn't take his dad to school either. So, on the first day of school, at around 6 o'clock, Johnny was awake. He wasn't awake because of excitement, but rather, because of terror.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“‘ Mom, do I have to?’ The little boy asked his mom. It was the first day of kindergarten and Johnny was scared. School was a whole new experience for him. His mom, Martha, had put him in a preschool class when he was three, but it only took two days of nonstop crying once he had been dropped off for her to take him out of there permanently. Since then, Johnny had been home with his mom every day and he had been happy.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ So, on the first day of school, at around 6 o'clock, Johnny was awake. He wasn't awake because of excitement, but rather, because of terror. It could have just been the tales of kids getting sick at school and mean strict teachers, but Johnny was completely freaked out. Martha, on the other hand, was completely calm. She knew that Johnny was smart. What other five-year-old can already read the Harry Potter series by themselves? Even if Johnny hadn't figured it out yet, Martha knew that once he got there, he'd be distracted by some aspect of the learning institution. She only had to get him there.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ He walked slowly down the center aisle, scanning the seats for somewhere to sit. Finally, he saw a boy who looked just how Johnny felt. He walked over to the seat and bravely asked if he could sit with him. The other boy looked up at him and said, ‘Okay. My name is Andrew.’ ‘Hi. My name is Johnny. Are you starting kindergarten, too?’ ‘Yea, I have Mrs. Smith.’ ‘Me too!’ Johnny smiled at Andrew and he knew that school wouldn't be so hard. He already had one friend. Making more wouldn't be difficult. So, it was with a light heart that Johnny rode to school after his first day at the bus stop.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent. (“ At the bus stop, Johnny stood nervously next to his mom. He was clutching her hand as hard as he could, but the bus would show up soon and his hold on her would be broken for the first time, in a more permanent, life-altering way.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ Then August rolled around and Johnny realized something that put him a little on edge. School started in September. He had always remembered that because school and September both start with the letter 's', but tricks like that wouldn't get him ready for school. Martha and Johnny had been together every day since he was born. Martha was a stay-at-home mother and had always been there for him. Johnny realized he couldn't take her to school. The only times they had been separated that he could think of was the times when his dad was home from work and they went out for ice cream or to a ball game while his mom stayed home. However, Johnny couldn't take his dad to school either.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey specific moments in the story. For example, when Johnny sees the school bus approaching his stop, the writer’s description illustrates this moment for the readers very well. (“ Johnny peered around his mom to where the bus would soon be coming. For now, all he could see was the street lined with trees blowing in the wind. He stood there waiting for the bus to show up for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the large yellow contraption snuck around the corner. It seemed to creep up on Johnny and his mom as he jammed himself closer to her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ So, on the first day of school, at around 6 o'clock, Johnny was awake. He wasn't awake because of excitement, but rather, because of terror. It could have just been the tales of kids getting sick at school and mean strict teachers, but Johnny was completely freaked out. Martha, on the other hand, was completely calm. She knew that Johnny was smart. What other five-year-old can already read the Harry Potter series by themselves?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Andrew is 10 years old, and it's his first day at a new school. He is going to be in the fourth grade. He is nervous because he doesn't know anybody at this school and he is scared that nobody will want to be his friend. Andrew and his parents have moved around a lot because of his dad's job but this move is permanent. They are settling in the state of Georgia. Making friends at this new school is a big deal to Andrew and he hopes that it won't be hard.

One couple of hours earlier, 6:00 a.m. and Andrew is getting ready for his first day at a new school. Finally done getting ready, he goes down stairs and sets down at the table to eat breakfast with his mom. Sitting at the dinning table, not saying a word, his mom can tell that he is very nervous. His mom asked, "Would you like me to take you to school so you won't have to ride the bus?" "I guess," said Andrew with a slight quiver in his voice. He grabs his backpack and heads to the car parked in the garage. In the car heading to the school his mom and he still say nothing to each other.

Finally at the school, his mom parks the car and they both get out and heads toward the school. As they walked in silence, Andrew's mom glanced over and saw a tear roll down his face. She waits until they are in front of the school to say anything to him. Standing in front of the school, Andrew's mom pulls him over the side and says, "Don't be scared, everything will be okay. You will make new friends easily. Try not to worry so much. Go in and let the others come to you." Andrew gives his mom a hug and slowly walks up the narrow steps that lead to the front door of the school. He pushes the door open and takes a look back at his mom who is still standing in the same spot and gives her a warm smile say he was going to be okay. He goes inside the school and starts his first day at his new school.

Andrew is going through his class like a breeze. All the work is easy and he is really happy because he is doing better then he thought he would. It is time for lunch now and he gets nervous again because he doesn't know where or whom to sit with. He gets his tray and takes a look at the numerous seats and all the kids sitting at just about every table. He takes a look to the left and sees an empty table and takes a seat and starts to eat his lunch alone, until this boy about his height sat at the table with him. His name was Charlie. He had brown, bushy hair, and it looks like he hadn't put a brush to it in a few days. He sat down and Andrew felt a bit of relief. He was actually eating with someone and not by himself. They ate their lunch and told each other facts about themselves and they became friends.

Andrew went through the day with a smile on his face. He was doing excellent in his classes and he made a friend. He couldn't wait to get home and tell his mom. School was finally over and Andrew heads home. Finally at his destination, he runs inside the house with a smile that reaches ear to ear. He runs up to his mom and gives her a hug and said I had a great day! I can't wait until tomorrow!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses on the main event of Andrew’s first day at a new school throughout the narrative. (“He is nervous because he doesn't know anybody at this school and he is scared that nobody will want to be his friend. Andrew and his parents have moved around a lot because of his dad's job but this move is permanent. They are settling in the state of Georgia. Making friends at this new school is a big deal to Andrew and he hopes that it won't be hard. One couple of hours earlier, 6:00 a.m. and Andrew is getting ready for his first day at a new school. Finally done getting ready, he goes down stairs and sets down at the table to eat breakfast with his mom. Sitting at the dinning table, not saying a word, his mom can tell that he is very nervous. His mom asked, ‘Would you like me to take you to school so you won't have to ride the bus?’ ‘I guess,’ said Andrew with a slight quiver in his voice.”)

The writer devotes most of the essay to what happens at school, using the bus stop only as a back drop to the story rather than as a focal point. The writer’s focus is just adequate for the picture presented in the prompt. (“His mom asked, ‘Would you like me to take you to school so you won't have to ride the bus?’ ‘I guess,’ said Andrew with a slight quiver in his voice. He grabs his backpack and heads to the car parked in the garage. In the car heading to the school his mom and he still say nothing to each other. Finally at the school, his mom parks the car and they both get out and heads toward the school. As they walked in silence, Andrew's mom glanced over and saw a tear roll down his face. She waits until they are in front of the school to say anything to him. Standing in front of the school, Andrew's mom pulls him over the side and says, ‘Don't be scared, everything will be okay. You will make new friends easily. Try not to worry so much. Go in and let the others come to you.’”)

Details in the story concentrate on the writer’s focus of what happens at school. (“He pushes the door open and takes a look back at his mom who is still standing in the same spot and gives her a warm smile say he was going to be okay. He goes inside the school and starts his first day at his new school. Andrew is going through his class like a breeze. All the work is easy and he is really happy because he is doing better then he thought he would. It is time for lunch now and he gets nervous again because he doesn't know where or whom to sit with.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. Events hold readers’ attention for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“His mom asked, ‘Would you like me to take you to school so you won't have to ride the bus?’ ‘I guess,’ said Andrew with a slight quiver in his voice. He grabs his backpack and heads to the car parked in the garage. In the car heading to the school his mom and he still say nothing to each other.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“Finally at the school, his mom parks the car and they both get out and heads toward the school. As they walked in silence, Andrew's mom glanced over and saw a tear roll down his face. She waits until they are in front of the school to say anything to him. Standing in front of the school, Andrew's mom pulls him over the side and says, ‘Don't be scared, everything will be okay. You will make new friends easily. Try not to worry so much. Go in and let the others come to you.’ Andrew gives his mom a hug and slowly walks up the narrow steps that lead to the front door of the school.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when Andrew enters the cafeteria and worries about where to sit. (“It is time for lunch now and he gets nervous again because he doesn't know where or whom to sit with. He gets his tray and takes a look at the numerous seats and all the kids sitting at just about every table. He takes a look to the left and sees an empty table and takes a seat and starts to eat his lunch alone, until this boy about his height sat at the table with him. His name was Charlie. He had brown, bushy hair, and it looks like he hadn't put a brush to it in a few days. He sat down and Andrew felt a bit of relief.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by introducing the scenario and the main character of the narrative. (“ Andrew is 10 years old, and it's his first day at a new school. He is going to be in the fourth grade. He is nervous because he doesn't know anybody at this school and he is scared that nobody will want to be his friend. Andrew and his parents have moved around a lot because of his dad's job but this move is permanent. They are settling in the state of Georgia. Making friends at this new school is a big deal to Andrew and he hopes that it won't be hard.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Finally at the school, his mom parks the car and they both get out and heads toward the school. As they walked in silence, Andrew's mom glanced over and saw a tear roll down his face. She waits until they are in front of the school to say anything to him. Standing in front of the school, Andrew's mom pulls him over the side and says, ‘Don't be scared, everything will be okay. You will make new friends easily. Try not to worry so much. Go in and let the others come to you.’ Andrew gives his mom a hug and slowly walks up the narrow steps that lead to the front door of the school. He pushes the door open and takes a look back at his mom who is still standing in the same spot and gives her a warm smile say he was going to be okay. He goes inside the school and starts his first day at his new school.”)

The conclusion gives readers a sense of closure. (“ Andrew went through the day with a smile on his face. He was doing excellent in his classes and he made a friend. He couldn't wait to get home and tell his mom. School was finally over and Andrew heads home. Finally at his destination, he runs inside the house with a smile that reaches ear to ear. He runs up to his mom and gives her a hug and said I had a great day! I can't wait until tomorrow!”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Finally at the school, his mom parks the car and they both get out and heads toward the school. As they walked in silence, Andrew's mom glanced over and saw a tear roll down his face. She waits until they are in front of the school to say anything to him. Standing in front of the school, Andrew's mom pulls him over the side and says, ‘Don't be scared, everything will be okay. You will make new friends easily. Try not to worry so much. Go in and let the others come to you.’”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. (“ Andrew is going through his class like a breeze. All the work is easy and he is really happy because he is doing better then he thought he would. It is time for lunch now and he gets nervous again because he doesn't know where or whom to sit with. He gets his tray and takes a look at the numerous seats and all the kids sitting at just about every table. He takes a look to the left and sees an empty table and takes a seat and starts to eat his lunch alone, until this boy about his height sat at the table with him. His name was Charlie.”)

Word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ One couple of hours earlier, 6:00 a.m. and Andrew is getting ready for his first day at a new school. Finally done getting ready, he goes down stairs and sets down at the table to eat breakfast with his mom. Sitting at the dinning table, not saying a word, his mom can tell that he is very nervous. His mom asked, ‘Would you like me to take you to school so you won't have to ride the bus?’ ‘I guess,’ said Andrew with a slight quiver in his voice. He grabs his backpack and heads to the car parked in the garage. In the car heading to the school his mom and he still say nothing to each other.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should be spelled and used correctly, and commas should be used in appropriate places within sentences. (“ He grabs his backpack and heads to the car parked in the garage. In the car heading to the school his mom and he still say nothing to each other.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was a bright and sunny morning. michael was really nervous to go to school because he was going to sixth grade and his friends said it will really be hard and that middle school is supreme hard. Also that the teacher is going to be super mean. So he thought"I could pretend that I am sick! Oh, but she would already know. So he had no chose, he had to go to school. Then his mom appeared at his bedroom door and told him that breakfast was ready.He went downstairs and ate breakfast and when he was done he grabbed his backpack and his lunch and went outside AT THE BUS STOP to wait for bus to take him to school. Then his mom peered out the window and saw his nervous and scared face . So she rushed outside and gave him a big hug and asked him what was wrong and told her everything that was bothering him she said " honey don't believe what they tell you because its not true, I have had Mrs.paul and she is a very nice and a exellent teacher.You'll see". Then the bus came an his mom wished him good luck Michael was still nervous but not that much. So he hoped on the bus and kissed air kiss to his mom.

Then in 10 minutes or less he got to school and when he got out of the bus he saw the school and said"WOW! THIS PLACE IS HUGE! Now he was even more scared of how he was ever going to get to his classes on time since all the rooms weren't just one class with all the subjects with one teacher, he had 4 teachers he had to deal with as the school bell rang he rushed and asked someone where room 100 was. Next he found out that it wasn't so bad, michael seemed to kind of like his new school he thought when he goes home he is going to tell his mom all about his first day of middle school.

After School he rushed to the school bus and hoped on he arrived home his mom was already outside and soon as he got off the bus his mom gave him a big hug as they went in michael told his mom all about his day.His mom was really thrilled to hear that he liked all his teachers, including Mrs.paul.He also told that she is going to have a baby and she won't be their for 5 or 4 months. She was even more interested! She started blabbering about they should throw her a baby shower. but that can wait until later.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“It was a bright and sunny morning. michael was really nervous to go to school because he was going to sixth grade and his friends said it will really be hard and that middle school is supreme hard. Also that the teacher is going to be super mean.”)

Focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the actual events at the bus stop. (“He went downstairs and ate breakfast and when he was done he grabbed his backpack and his lunch and went outside AT THE BUS STOP to wait for bus to take him to school. Then his mom peered out the window and saw his nervous and scared face . So she rushed outside and gave him a big hug and asked him what was wrong and told her everything that was bothering him she said ‘ honey don't believe what they tell you because its not true, I have had Mrs.paul and she is a very nice and a exellent teacher.You'll see’. Then the bus came an his mom wished him good luck Michael was still nervous but not that much. So he hoped on the bus and kissed air kiss to his mom.”)

The writer provides limited supporting details in the narrative. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Next he found out that it wasn't so bad, michael seemed to kind of like his new school he thought when he goes home he is going to tell his mom all about his first day of middle school. After School he rushed to the school bus and hoped on he arrived home his mom was already outside and soon as he got off the bus his mom gave him a big hug as they went in michael told his mom all about his day.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The story reveals a very limited use of plot, setting, and characters and lacks sufficient details to communicate a clear message to the intended audience. Additionally, the writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“He went downstairs and ate breakfast and when he was done he grabbed his backpack and his lunch and went outside AT THE BUS STOP to wait for bus to take him to school. Then his mom peered out the window and saw his nervous and scared face . So she rushed outside and gave him a big hug and asked him what was wrong and told her everything that was bothering him she said ‘ honey don't believe what they tell you because its not true, I have had Mrs.paul and she is a very nice and a exellent teacher.You'll see’.”)

Details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces a few characters in the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“So he thought’I could pretend that I am sick! Oh, but she would already know. So he had no chose, he had to go to school. Then his mom appeared at his bedroom door and told him that breakfast was ready.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including more dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“His mom was really thrilled to hear that he liked all his teachers, including Mrs.paul.He also told that she is going to have a baby and she won't be their for 5 or 4 months. She was even more interested! She started blabbering about they should throw her a baby shower. but that can wait until later.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial scenario, illustrating Michael’s fears about going to school, that may hold the readers’ attention. (“ It was a bright and sunny morning. michael was really nervous to go to school because he was going to sixth grade and his friends said it will really be hard and that middle school is supreme hard. Also that the teacher is going to be super mean. So he thought’I could pretend that I am sick! Oh, but she would already know. So he had no chose, he had to go to school.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story. (“ Then in 10 minutes or less he got to school and when he got out of the bus he saw the school and said’WOW! THIS PLACE IS HUGE! Now he was even more scared of how he was ever going to get to his classes on time since all the rooms weren't just one class with all the subjects with one teacher, he had 4 teachers he had to deal with as the school bell rang he rushed and asked someone where room 100 was.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ He also told that she is going to have a baby and she won't be their for 5 or 4 months. She was even more interested! She started blabbering about they should throw her a baby shower. but that can wait until later.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. S imple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice are revealed. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety.

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ Also that the teacher is going to be super mean. So he thought’I could pretend that I am sick! Oh, but she would already know. So he had no chose, he had to go to school.”)

There are run-on sentences in portions of the narrative. (“ So she rushed outside and gave him a big hug and asked him what was wrong and told her everything that was bothering him she said ‘ honey don't believe what they tell you because its not true, I have had Mrs.paul and she is a very nice and a exellent teacher.You'll see’.”)

Some of the sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ He also told that she is going to have a baby and she won't be their for 5 or 4 months. She was even more interested! She started blabbering about they should throw her a baby shower. but that can wait until later.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the narrative. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that could interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was first day of school and john was really sacred to go to school. He walked to the bus stop by him self but was still to sacred he wet his pants then he ran back home, his mom was in front yard. John told her what happen his mom walked inside to get new pair of pants for him. John changed to his new pants. Johns mom ask him if he wanted her to go with him, John said yes I want you to go with me. Then they started to walked to bus stop to together.

John was not so sacred to walked with his mom. John and his mom waited for two hours for the school bus. The bus started to pull up John was getting really happy to go to school. The bus stop right in front them, the bus door opened John want on the bus then he walked to back and sat down and he look out the winddow and said by to his mom. His mom wave by back and smied.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“It was first day of school and john was really sacred to go to school. He walked to the bus stop by him self but was still to sacred he wet his pants then he ran back home, his mom was in front yard.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of what is occurring at the bus stop. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“John was not so sacred to walked with his mom. John and his mom waited for two hours for the school bus. The bus started to pull up John was getting really happy to go to school.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“The bus stop right in front them, the bus door opened John want on the bus then he walked to back and sat down and he look out the winddow and said by to his mom.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the theme of the picture prompt, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“It was first day of school and john was really sacred to go to school. He walked to the bus stop by him self but was still to sacred he wet his pants then he ran back home, his mom was in front yard.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or developed characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“It was first day of school and john was really sacred to go to school. He walked to the bus stop by him self but was still to sacred he wet his pants then he ran back home, his mom was in front yard. John told her what happen his mom walked inside to get new pair of pants for him.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“Johns mom ask him if he wanted her to go with him, John said yes I want you to go with me.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the story demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

There is a minimal attempt to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the narrative. (“ It was first day of school and john was really sacred to go to school.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ Johns mom ask him if he wanted her to go with him, John said yes I want you to go with me. Then they started to walked to bus stop to together.”)

The narrative does not provide an ending that satisfies readers. The writer fails to reveal insightful lessons the character may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ His mom wave by back and smied.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the narrative. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The narrative also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ The bus started to pull up John was getting really happy to go to school. The bus stop right in front them, the bus door opened John want on the bus then he walked to back and sat down and he look out the winddow and said by to his mom.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ He walked to the bus stop by him self but was still to sacred he wet his pants then he ran back home, his mom was in front yard. John told her what happen his mom walked inside to get new pair of pants for him.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ The bus started to pull up John was getting really happy to go to school. The bus stop right in front them, the bus door opened John want on the bus…”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the narrative. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. (“The bus stop right in front them, the bus door opened John want on the bus then he walked to back and sat down and he look out the winddow and said by to his mom. His mom wave by back and smied.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Bob is a first grader and he is scarred of gowinng to school. Bob has a brother and sister. and he is on the steps in the begining of school. He dose not want to go into school. and his mom is devorst and having a hard time with here kids. bob has no friends. Bob dose not lick school at all. Bob is also afrade of the bully.

Bob dose not like bullys at all

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The essay does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not clearly stated. (“ Bob is a first grader and he is scarred of gowinng to school.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of the intended audience. (“Bob is also afrade of the bully.

Bob dose not like bullys at all”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“Bob has a brother and sister. and he is on the steps in the begining of school.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed to provide details about the characters’ surroundings. This would help readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ Bob has a brother and sister. and he is on the steps in the begining of school.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“Bob is a first grader and he is scarred of gowinng to school. Bob has a brother and sister.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“Bob is also afrade of the bully.Bob dose not like bullys at all”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, what is going on at the bus stop. (“ Bob is a first grader and he is scarred of gowinng to school. Bob has a brother and sister. and he is on the steps in the begining of school.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ and his mom is devorst and having a hard time with here kids. bob has no friends. Bob dose not lick school at all.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ Bob is also afrade of the bully. Bob dose not like bullys at all”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ He dose not want to go into school. and his mom is devorst and having a hard time with here kids.”)

S entences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Bob has a brother and sister. and he is on the steps in the begining of school.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“bob has no friends. Bob dose not lick school at all.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. (“Bob is a first grader and he is scarred of gowinng to school. Bob has a brother and sister. and he is on the steps in the begining of school. He dose not want to go into school. and his mom is devorst and having a hard time with here kids.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Big Dog

Click here to view the image.

Click here to view the printable version of the image and assignment.

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict, and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The sun was shining brightly while white, puffy clouds drifted lazily above the town of Maple Hills. Everything down below seemed to move simultaneously in a state of tranquil serenity. Birds flew overhead in small flocks, announcing their arrival in the same calm way that the trees swayed back and forth in the wind.

The silence of the still park of Maple Hills was suddenly broken. There was a creature running up and down the field. His tail was wagging vigorously as his ears flapped up and down. The coin on his collar swayed violently, hitting his face, looking as if it was threatening to fall off any minute. The creature's tan fur was nicely combed and cut short. Areas of black dotted around his eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. And in his mouth, you could see globs of drool dribbling down as he ran towards his focused target: a bright, red, bouncy, round ball. He was panting softly, but his determination was strong. He munched on the red ball when he reached it, picking it up with his teeth and trotting back happily to his owner.

A little girl of five laughed and giggled as the slobbery ball was placed into her hands. She was wearing her favorite pink summer dress, her black, curly hair, up in her favorite fashion and at her favorite park with her favorite dog, Scout (who was staring at his favorite ball). It was like she had everything there is, a world of happiness swirling deep inside her. "You want to fetch again, boy? Do you? Do you?" the little girl patted Scout. He panted excitedly and gave a small bark, despite his size. Scout lolled his tongue out, feeling warm, yet contented.

The little girl smiled, still clutching the ball. Her face then turned into a puzzled expression as she examined her dog's tongue. "What's wrong with your tongue?" she asked. Scout stared, a little confused why they weren't playing fetch. "It's all purple! Mine is pink!" the little girl stuck out her tongue for Scout to see. "It can be red sometimes, but pink looks prettier, don't you think? A purple tongue looks kind of funny, though. It's also a little pink, but kind of grayish too. And how come yours is so long and flat? Mine is all puffy and short. I don't know why though. And you can roll it over the side of your mouth to your teeth too!" She poked the dog's tongue, and laughed, wiping off the saliva. Scout didn't mind, however. He, with his instinct, knew that she was a little girl, and he was an adult (at least in dog years), so he was used to her curiosity.

"Wait a minute," the little girl's face scrunched up, full of worry. "You're not... sick, are you?" Scout rolled his tongue back into his mouth and stared, confused. The little girl mistook his gesture and silence. "Oh no! Are you alright? Don't die, okay? I'm going to take you to the vet! It's only across the street, which is a good thing. Don't collapse when we're crossing the street, okay? Okay? Okay." The little girl led him towards the vet's office.

Scout was still perplexed, but he knew when he was going to the doctor, and did not like it. They made him sit still while they examined places where he felt uncomfortable with exposing to others and sometimes even took blood tests, which smelled horrible. He stopped as they were in the middle of the street. The little girl became even more anxious. "Are you alright? Don't die right now. The cars are waiting for us," she said, glancing at the staring strangers in the cars, who were waiting for the light to flash green. Scout knew that he couldn't hold everyone up, so he crossed the street, but not towards the vet, but back to the park to play fetch. The little girl reached him and turned him around before he could reach the sidewalk. She dragged him by the collar to the vet's shop. By then, Scout was whining and protesting, which made the small dent in the girl's eyebrows furrow deeper.

She opened the door to the vet, which caused a small bell to ring faintly. Scout's ears, being keener, flicked up, and he cowered in a corner. The little girl pushed him into a room, seeing that there were no patients. The vet was already in the room, looking through her clipboard, tapping a pen to her red framed glasses, talking softly. She was not Scout's normal doctor, but he had seen her with his owner's mother before, treating cats and birds instead of dogs. "Hi!" Scout's owner announced her arrival. "Oh, sweetie! How are you! Would you tell your mom I had fun last week?" the vet took off her glasses and smiled reassuringly. "Alright. And I'm doing fine, thanks! But it's Scout that isn't fine! He's sick!"

"Oh dear, how so?"

"I don't know, but his tongue's all purple and weird, which I never noticed before. And when I tried taking him to you, he started whining and struggling in the middle of the street right after I told him not to die there. When we entered your front door, he seemed to shrink into the ground like he was woozy! But he was just fine before I noticed him sick. We were playing fetch!" She had said all this without pausing for a breath!

The doctor looked at Scout with a pondering look and her eyebrows rose in curiosity. "Can I see your tongue, Scout?" Scout was surprised, his old vet never asked him, always doing everything as if assuming Scout felt it was okay to examine him everywhere. He was confused, but willingly stuck out his tongue. "He's really smart," the new doctor said to the little girl, not in a surprised way, just in a commenting way. The little girl and Scout beamed (though you really could not see Scout's sheepish smile while his tongue was out and flopping around).

The doctor smiled as she saw Scout's tongue, not even bothering to touch it with a depressor, a name for a piece of wood that Scout always found depressing.

"Don't worry, he's not sick," the vet smiled. The little girl stared, surprised.

"B-but, he..."

"It's alright, that's how a dog’s tongue is supposed to look. And he probably stopped in the street and started whining because he didn't like to go to the doctor's office. I know that happens. Even I don't like going to the hospital for checkups. But it has to be done."

"Oh, thank you! I guess I never really got to know the inside of Scout's mouth before, besides his slobber." The doctor laughed at this.

"Oh, by the way, Scout's old vet has retired, so he won't be here anymore. Would you like it if I were Scout's doctor?" she asked. Scout's spirits soared high. The little girl beamed and said, "Yes! Of course! Thanks! And if the old vet were here, I'll bet he would have taken a long time looking at Scout's tongue before telling me he's okay. He'd put me through extra minutes of trauma." Everyone had to smile at this, even Scout, who made his wide smile visible across his doggy face.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases the little girl’s experience discovering that her fears for her dog’s health were unfounded.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen when the little girl takes her dog to the doctor. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are worrying right alongside Scout and his owner as they go to the veterinarian’s office for an impromptu checkup. (“‘Wait a minute,’ the little girl's face scrunched up, full of worry. ‘You're not... sick, are you?’ Scout rolled his tongue back into his mouth and stared, confused. The little girl mistook his gesture and silence. ‘Oh no! Are you alright? Don't die, okay? I'm going to take you to the vet! It's only across the street, which is a good thing. Don't collapse when we're crossing the street, okay? Okay? Okay.’ The little girl led him towards the vet's office.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the scenarios in the park, as well as the veterinarian’s office, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the main character’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in both settings. (“The silence of the still park of Maple Hills was suddenly broken. There was a creature running up and down the field. His tail was wagging vigorously as his ears flapped up and down. The coin on his collar swayed violently, hitting his face, looking as if it was threatening to fall off any minute. The creature's tan fur was nicely combed and cut short. Areas of black dotted around his eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. And in his mouth, you could see globs of drool dribbling down as he ran towards his focused target: a bright, red, bouncy, round ball. He was panting softly, but his determination was strong. He munched on the red ball when he reached it, picking it up with his teeth and trotting back happily to his owner.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the main character’s experience. (“She opened the door to the vet, which caused a small bell to ring faintly. Scout's ears, being keener, flicked up, and he cowered in a corner. The little girl pushed him into a room, seeing that there were no patients. The vet was already in the room, looking through her clipboard, tapping a pen to her red framed glasses, talking softly. She was not Scout's normal doctor, but he had seen her with his owner's mother before, treating cats and birds instead of dogs. ‘Hi!’ Scout's owner announced her arrival. ‘Oh, sweetie! How are you! Would you tell your mom I had fun last week?’ the vet took off her glasses and smiled reassuringly. ‘Alright. And I'm doing fine, thanks! But it's Scout that isn't fine! He's sick!’ ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the dog’s health and the main character’s experiences in getting Scout to the doctor. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes details that give the readers a strong sense of how much Scout understands and loves the little girl and her intentions toward him. (“The little girl smiled, still clutching the ball. Her face then turned into a puzzled expression as she examined her dog's tongue. ‘What's wrong with your tongue?’ she asked. Scout stared, a little confused why they weren't playing fetch. ‘It's all purple! Mine is pink!’ the little girl stuck out her tongue for Scout to see. ‘It can be red sometimes, but pink looks prettier, don't you think? A purple tongue looks kind of funny, though. It's also a little pink, but kind of grayish too. And how come yours is so long and flat? Mine is all puffy and short. I don't know why though. And you can roll it over the side of your mouth to your teeth too!’ She poked the dog's tongue, and laughed, wiping off the saliva. Scout didn't mind, however. He, with his instinct, knew that she was a little girl, and he was an adult (at least in dog years), so he was used to her curiosity.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the main character is enjoying a lovely day in the park with her dog until she notices something “different” about his tongue and assumes he is very sick. (“‘You want to fetch again, boy? Do you? Do you?’ the little girl patted Scout. He panted excitedly and gave a small bark, despite his size. Scout lolled his tongue out, feeling warm, yet contented. The little girl smiled, still clutching the ball. Her face then turned into a puzzled expression as she examined her dog's tongue. ‘What's wrong with your tongue?’ she asked. Scout stared, a little confused why they weren't playing fetch…’Wait a minute,’ the little girl's face scrunched up, full of worry. ‘You're not... sick, are you?’”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the character’s struggle to get her dog into the vet’s office and what they learn once Scout is examined. (“‘…when I tried taking him to you, he started whining and struggling in the middle of the street right after I told him not to die there. When we entered your front door, he seemed to shrink into the ground like he was woozy…’ ‘Don't worry, he's not sick,’ the vet smiled. The little girl stared, surprised. ‘B-but, he...’ ‘It's alright, that's how a dog’s tongue is supposed to look. And he probably stopped in the street and started whining because he didn't like to go to the doctor's office. I know that happens. Even I don't like going to the hospital for checkups. But it has to be done.’”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing could flow more smoothly by employing transitions that would enhance sequential development. The writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the serene scene that awaits the little girl and her dog at the park. (“The sun was shining brightly while white, puffy clouds drifted lazily above the town of Maple Hills. Everything down below seemed to move simultaneously in a state of tranquil serenity. Birds flew overhead in small flocks, announcing their arrival in the same calm way that the trees swayed back and forth in the wind.”)

Subtle transitions are occasionally used, but the writer’s message would benefit from more effective transitions, which can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank, to connect events in the story. (“The silence of the still park of Maple Hills was suddenly broken. There was a creature running up and down the field. His tail was wagging vigorously as his ears flapped up and down. The coin on his collar swayed violently, hitting his face, looking as if it was threatening to fall off any minute. The creature's tan fur was nicely combed and cut short. Areas of black dotted around his eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. And in his mouth, you could see globs of drool dribbling down as he ran towards his focused target: a bright, red, bouncy, round ball.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the fact that the substitute vet would now become Scout’s full-time doctor. (“‘Oh, by the way, Scout's old vet has retired, so he won't be here anymore. Would you like it if I were Scout's doctor?’ she asked. Scout's spirits soared high. The little girl beamed and said, ‘Yes! Of course! Thanks! And if the old vet were here, I'll bet he would have taken a long time looking at Scout's tongue before telling me he's okay. He'd put me through extra minutes of trauma.’ Everyone had to smile at this, even Scout, who made his wide smile visible across his doggy face.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the essay. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the main character’s experiences taking care of her dog. (“ Scout was still perplexed, but he knew when he was going to the doctor, and did not like it. They made him sit still while they examined places where he felt uncomfortable with exposing to others and sometimes even took blood tests, which smelled horrible. He stopped as they were in the middle of the street. The little girl became even more anxious. ‘Are you alright? Don't die right now. The cars are waiting for us,’ she said, glancing at the staring strangers in the cars, who were waiting for the light to flash green. Scout knew that he couldn't hold everyone up, so he crossed the street, but not towards the vet, but back to the park to play fetch. The little girl reached him and turned him around before he could reach the sidewalk. She dragged him by the collar to the vet's shop. By then, Scout was whining and protesting, which made the small dent in the girl's eyebrows furrow deeper.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“‘ I don't know, but his tongue's all purple and weird, which I never noticed before. And when I tried taking him to you, he started whining and struggling in the middle of the street right after I told him not to die there. When we entered your front door, he seemed to shrink into the ground like he was woozy! But he was just fine before I noticed him sick. We were playing fetch!’ She had said all this without pausing for a breath! The doctor looked at Scout with a pondering look and her eyebrows rose in curiosity. ‘Can I see your tongue, Scout?’ Scout was surprised, his old vet never asked him, always doing everything as if assuming Scout felt it was okay to examine him everywhere. He was confused, but willingly stuck out his tongue.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the main character’s worry because the writer uses rich, descriptive details. (“‘ Wait a minute,’ the little girl's face scrunched up, full of worry. ‘You're not... sick, are you?’ Scout rolled his tongue back into his mouth and stared, confused. The little girl mistook his gesture and silence. ‘Oh no! Are you alright? Don't die, okay? I'm going to take you to the vet! It's only across the street, which is a good thing. Don't collapse when we're crossing the street, okay? Okay? Okay.’ The little girl led him towards the vet's office. Scout was still perplexed, but he knew when he was going to the doctor, and did not like it. They made him sit still while they examined places where he felt uncomfortable with exposing to others and sometimes even took blood tests, which smelled horrible. He stopped as they were in the middle of the street. The little girl became even more anxious. ‘Are you alright? Don't die right now…’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ She opened the door to the vet, which caused a small bell to ring faintly. Scout's ears, being keener, flicked up, and he cowered in a corner. The little girl pushed him into a room, seeing that there were no patients. The vet was already in the room, looking through her clipboard, tapping a pen to her red framed glasses, talking softly. She was not Scout's normal doctor, but he had seen her with his owner's mother before, treating cats and birds instead of dogs.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There once was a dog named Runt. He wasn't a bad dog, he was just barky. The people who named this large dog were unoriginal and not very intelligent. They didn't even have very original names for their children, the youngest of which was a 4-year-old girl named Sally. That may be a normal-sounding name, but it was short for Salamander. As you can probably guess, she was a pretty unusual kid. You see, her parents were free thinkers, and thought that their kids should have the freedom to name themselves whatever they wanted, when they decided for themselves. It took eight months until Sally could say her first word, which was "Salamander." However, until that time, they simply referred to her as "the baby."

One day, (three days after "the baby" learned to walk) the baby was exploring the back yard. Their family lived across the street from a slow-moving pond. Her skin gleamed brightly on the sunny day. She was short; she was about 3' 4". She had long, blonde braided hair and tan skin in this sunny summer season. She had blue eyes and was fairly uncoordinated. There was a fence that prevented people from getting in or out of the yard. But Sally was a very smart child, but being as uncoordinated as she was, you can imagine that the only way any baby would be able to get out of a tall fence such as that would be by accident.

Inside the house, however, things were not as peaceful. Chaos dominated the scene only moments after Mr. and Ms. Johnson-Jonson (As I said before, they were free thinkers. Ms. Jonson and Mr. Johnson had the name spelled differently, so they became the Johnson-Jonsons.) The J.J.'s, as we shall call them, were running up and down the stairs frantically searching in all rooms in the house to see if they could find the baby. Their dog, whose name was Runt, (an incredibly ironic name, for the dog was 200 pounds and 4 feet tall), was sitting casually, for he knew where "the baby" was. He stood by the back door, and barked, for he wanted to go outside. When Ms. J.J. came over and let the dog out, Runt ran over to "the baby" and licked her face.

She laughed and fell on the ground, and with a quick examination, found an opening to leave the yard. She started crossing the street. Runt ran over and tried to fit through the small opening that only the baby could, but he just couldn't get through the fence. Now the baby was almost half way across the street. Runt (a dog of whom had incredible manual dexterity for a canine) found a way to open the gate, by gently lifting the latch with his teeth while standing on all fours.

Suddenly, Runt heard a noise, like tires against asphalt. A car was coming across the street! He lifted the latch and ran in front of the car. It hit him and his body fell limp against the road. The driver ran out and examined what he thought were the entrails of a large black labrador. He felt the dog’s stomach. There was movement. He was alive. On the other side of the road, however, "the baby" was getting into trouble. She fell into the small pond in which a salamander was currently residing. She got wet to the skin. But what do you know? The salamander was swimming downstream. It got stuck and swam in the baby's shorts.

Sally started crying, and with that, Runt woke up from his deep sleep and ran over to the baby, propped her on his back, and ran back to the back yard. Runt thought that it was not very dignified, but that if he wanted to save the child, he had to proceed in this way. Coincidently, the J.J.'s were currently searching in the back yard. They heard the baby crying and immediately ran over to Runt and picked up the child. They hugged her and felt something odd moving in the girl's pants. They stuck their hands in the baby's pants and picked out a red, wiggling salamander. Ms. J.J. screamed, "Salamander!!" Then, at that, the baby started to, or at least, attempted to say, Salamander. All that Runt heard was “Salmammerz”. Runt thought that was very strange. Then, Mr. J.J. said to Runt, "Bad dog! Bad Runt. Go to your crate." Runt looked at him with a look that could easily be summed up as a, "Why-am- I-in-trouble-for-saving-your-daughter's-life?" kind of look. He was forced to stay in his sleeping kennel that he previously enjoyed being in.

One evening shortly after, he overheard the J.J.'s having a talk about him. "He's been a very bad dog," said the Ms. "I agree. Maybe we should get rid of him," said Mr. J.J. "Why? WHY?!" Runt wanted to say aloud, but just, you know, couldn't. "I mean, he let baby out of the yard. She could have been hurt!" (“I was hurt”, Runt thought.) So, it was just a complete an utter misunderstanding. Runt didn't know why they thought he let her out. The next day, when Runt awoke, he found himself in a kennel.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. A general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the story, the supporting events are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative on the little girl and the way the dog manages to save her from the situations she finds herself in. (“The J.J.'s, as we shall call them, were running up and down the stairs frantically searching in all rooms in the house to see if they could find the baby. Their dog, whose name was Runt, (an incredibly ironic name, for the dog was 200 pounds and 4 feet tall), was sitting casually, for he knew where ‘the baby’ was. He stood by the back door, and barked, for he wanted to go outside. When Ms. J.J. came over and let the dog out, Runt ran over to ‘the baby’ and licked her face. She laughed and fell on the ground, and with a quick examination, found an opening to leave the yard.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“She laughed and fell on the ground, and with a quick examination, found an opening to leave the yard. She started crossing the street. Runt ran over and tried to fit through the small opening that only the baby could, but he just couldn't get through the fence. Now the baby was almost half way across the street. Runt (a dog of whom had incredible manual dexterity for a canine) found a way to open the gate, by gently lifting the latch with his teeth while standing on all fours. Suddenly, Runt heard a noise, like tires against asphalt. A car was coming across the street! He lifted the latch and ran in front of the car. It hit him and his body fell limp against the road. The driver ran out and examined what he thought were the entrails of a large black labrador. He felt the dog’s stomach. There was movement. He was alive.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides tense moments when the dog gets hit by the car and the baby falls into the pond. (“He lifted the latch and ran in front of the car. It hit him and his body fell limp against the road. The driver ran out and examined what he thought were the entrails of a large black labrador. He felt the dog’s stomach. There was movement. He was alive. On the other side of the road, however, ‘the baby’ was getting into trouble. She fell into the small pond in which a salamander was currently residing. She got wet to the skin. But what do you know? The salamander was swimming downstream. It got stuck and swam in the baby's shorts.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character and the ways her dog saves her from her accidental situations. (“Sally started crying, and with that, Runt woke up from his deep sleep and ran over to the baby, propped her on his back, and ran back to the back yard. Runt thought that it was not very dignified, but that if he wanted to save the child, he had to proceed in this way.”)

The setting is developed with details that assist the readers in picturing the scene. (“One day, (three days after "the baby" learned to walk) the baby was exploring the back yard. Their family lived across the street from a slow-moving pond. Her skin gleamed brightly on the sunny day. She was short; she was about 3' 4". She had long, blonde braided hair and tan skin in this sunny summer season. She had blue eyes and was fairly uncoordinated. There was a fence that prevented people from getting in or out of the yard. But Sally was a very smart child, but being as uncoordinated as she was, you can imagine that the only way any baby would be able to get out of a tall fence such as that would be by accident.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“She laughed and fell on the ground, and with a quick examination, found an opening to leave the yard. She started crossing the street. Runt ran over and tried to fit through the small opening that only the baby could, but he just couldn't get through the fence. Now the baby was almost half way across the street. Runt (a dog of whom had incredible manual dexterity for a canine) found a way to open the gate, by gently lifting the latch with his teeth while standing on all fours. Suddenly, Runt heard a noise, like tires against asphalt. A car was coming across the street! He lifted the latch and ran in front of the car. It hit him and his body fell limp against the road.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story leads the audience to continue reading. The writing flows from one event to another with subtle transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning by providing descriptive background information. (“ There once was a dog named Runt. He wasn't a bad dog, he was just barky. The people who named this large dog were unoriginal and not very intelligent. They didn't even have very original names for their children, the youngest of which was a 4-year-old girl named Sally. That may be a normal-sounding name, but it was short for Salamander. As you can probably guess, she was a pretty unusual kid. You see, her parents were free thinkers, and thought that their kids should have the freedom to name themselves whatever they wanted, when they decided for themselves. It took eight months until Sally could say her first word, which was ‘Salamander.’ However, until that time, they simply referred to her as ‘the baby.’ One day, (three days after ‘the baby’ learned to walk) the baby was exploring the back yard.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the essay. (“ Suddenly, Runt heard a noise, like tires against asphalt. A car was coming across the street! He lifted the latch and ran in front of the car. It hit him and his body fell limp against the road. The driver ran out and examined what he thought were the entrails of a large black labrador. He felt the dog’s stomach. There was movement. He was alive. On the other side of the road, however, "the baby" was getting into trouble. She fell into the small pond in which a salamander was currently residing. She got wet to the skin. But what do you know? The salamander was swimming downstream. It got stuck and swam in the baby's shorts.”)

The story includes an effective surprise ending. (“ Then, Mr. J.J. said to Runt, ‘Bad dog! Bad Runt. Go to your crate.’ Runt looked at him with a look that could easily be summed up as a, ‘Why-am- I-in-trouble-for-saving-your-daughter's-life?’ kind of look. He was forced to stay in his sleeping kennel that he previously enjoyed being in. One evening shortly after, he overheard the J.J.'s having a talk about him. ‘He's been a very bad dog,’ said the Ms. ‘I agree. Maybe we should get rid of him,’ said Mr. J.J. ‘Why? WHY?!’ Runt wanted to say aloud, but just, you know, couldn't. ‘I mean, he let baby out of the yard. She could have been hurt!’ (‘I was hurt’, Runt thought.) So, it was just a complete an utter misunderstanding. Runt didn't know why they thought he let her out. The next day, when Runt awoke, he found himself in a kennel.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ There once was a dog named Runt. He wasn't a bad dog, he was just barky. The people who named this large dog were unoriginal and not very intelligent. They didn't even have very original names for their children, the youngest of which was a 4-year-old girl named Sally. That may be a normal-sounding name, but it was short for Salamander. As you can probably guess, she was a pretty unusual kid. You see, her parents were free thinkers, and thought that their kids should have the freedom to name themselves whatever they wanted, when they decided for themselves. It took eight months until Sally could say her first word, which was ‘Salamander.’ However, until that time, they simply referred to her as ‘the baby.’”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ Sally started crying, and with that, Runt woke up from his deep sleep and ran over to the baby, propped her on his back, and ran back to the back yard. Runt thought that it was not very dignified, but that if he wanted to save the child, he had to proceed in this way. Coincidently, the J.J.'s were currently searching in the back yard. They heard the baby crying and immediately ran over to Runt and picked up the child. They hugged her and felt something odd moving in the girl's pants. They stuck their hands in the baby's pants and picked out a red, wiggling salamander.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the dog’s perspective, specifically on how unfair it is that he saved the little girl and now he is the one in trouble. (“ Then, Mr. J.J. said to Runt, ‘Bad dog! Bad Runt. Go to your crate.’ Runt looked at him with a look that could easily be summed up as a, ‘Why-am- I-in-trouble-for-saving-your-daughter's-life?’ kind of look. He was forced to stay in his sleeping kennel that he previously enjoyed being in. One evening shortly after, he overheard the J.J.'s having a talk about him. ‘He's been a very bad dog,’ said the Ms. ‘I agree. Maybe we should get rid of him,’ said Mr. J.J. ‘Why? WHY?!’ Runt wanted to say aloud, but just, you know, couldn't. ‘I mean, he let baby out of the yard. She could have been hurt!’ (‘I was hurt’, Runt thought.) So, it was just a complete an utter misunderstanding. Runt didn't know why they thought he let her out. The next day, when Runt awoke, he found himself in a kennel.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Coincidently, the J.J.'s were currently searching in the back yard. They heard the baby crying and immediately ran over to Runt and picked up the child. They hugged her and felt something odd moving in the girl's pants. They stuck their hands in the baby's pants and picked out a red, wiggling salamander. Ms. J.J. screamed, ‘Salamander!!’ Then, at that, the baby started to, or at least, attempted to say, Salamander. All that Runt heard was ‘Salmammerz’. Runt thought that was very strange.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Little Peggy Sue wanted a dog so badly. The problem was that her father wanted a big dog, and her mother wanted a little dog. Peggy Sue wanted a nice dog that was medium size. The three of them could never agree on the size of dog, let alone the breed. So they still had not gotten a dog yet. Every time she went to the pet store she always felt to sad. "I love you so much," she said to a little boxer puppy. The puppy wagged his tail and yapped excitedly. "Sorry puppy I can't buy you today." She did that every day for months.

Her parents started to feel bad that they could not agree on a dog for her. So later that night Peggy Sue's parents went to the pet store. They looked at every puppy. They finally came across the puppy that Peggy Sue loved. They immediately fell in love with the cute little puppy. They bought the puppy and headed home to surprise little Peggy Sue. They did not even bother to ask what breed, and how big the puppy would get.

The next morning Peggy Sue woke up to the sound of loud barking, and her mother screaming at the top of her lungs. Peggy Sue ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks. A giant dog was eating their breakfast off of the table. Just then her father ran into the kitchen in his pajamas. The giant dog turned around to look at her father. The dog had a big wet tongue that had saliva and food dripping off of it.

The dog bounded over and went right into Peggy Sue's face. She could feel his breath on her face. "Honey" said her dad, I think this is the puppy we got you. At least I think it is? Peggy Sue was scared out of her wits. This is supposed to be a puppy not a giant. Then she screamed, "I thought we were going to get a medium-sized dog!" Her parents look startled. "It was the cutest little puppy in his cage, we just had to get him," cried her mom. The dog (or suppose to be puppy) stepped back and laid down, like it was no big deal that he was suddenly a giant dog.

Peggy Sue looked at the dog. "This is the dog I fell in love with at the pet store." The dog looked at Peggy Sue with hopeful eyes that were saying, “Please keep me.” "But how did he get so big, and overnight too?" "I have no idea how it got so big!" “Well, I don't care!” yelled Peggy Sue, “He is my dog and we are keeping him forever and ever.” Then she leaned over and with one finger, she touched the dog on the nose. The dog barked with glee and licked her face. This was the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning. The essay reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“Every time she went to the pet store she always felt to sad. ‘I love you so much,’ she said to a little boxer puppy. The puppy wagged his tail and yapped excitedly. ‘Sorry puppy I can't buy you today.’ She did that every day for months. Her parents started to feel bad that they could not agree on a dog for her. So later that night Peggy Sue's parents went to the pet store. They looked at every puppy. They finally came across the puppy that Peggy Sue loved. They immediately fell in love with the cute little puppy. They bought the puppy and headed home to surprise little Peggy Sue.”)

The writer focuses on the main event of the family’s purchase of a new dog throughout the essay. (“So later that night Peggy Sue's parents went to the pet store. They looked at every puppy. They finally came across the puppy that Peggy Sue loved. They immediately fell in love with the cute little puppy. They bought the puppy and headed home to surprise little Peggy Sue. They did not even bother to ask what breed, and how big the puppy would get. The next morning Peggy Sue woke up to the sound of loud barking, and her mother screaming at the top of her lungs. Peggy Sue ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks. ”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“The dog looked at Peggy Sue with hopeful eyes that were saying, ‘Please keep me.’ ‘But how did he get so big, and overnight too?’ ‘I have no idea how it got so big!’ ‘Well, I don't care!’ yelled Peggy Sue, ‘He is my dog and we are keeping him forever and ever.’ Then she leaned over and with one finger, she touched the dog on the nose.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“The dog bounded over and went right into Peggy Sue's face. She could feel his breath on her face. ‘Honey’ said her dad, I think this is the puppy we got you. At least I think it is? Peggy Sue was scared out of her wits. This is supposed to be a puppy not a giant. Then she screamed, ‘I thought we were going to get a medium-sized dog!’ Her parents look startled. ‘It was the cutest little puppy in his cage, we just had to get him,’ cried her mom. The dog (or suppose to be puppy) stepped back and laid down, like it was no big deal that he was suddenly a giant dog.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The fact that the dog grows bigger seemingly overnight holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“The dog bounded over and went right into Peggy Sue's face. She could feel his breath on her face. ‘Honey’ said her dad, I think this is the puppy we got you. At least I think it is? Peggy Sue was scared out of her wits. This is supposed to be a puppy not a giant. Then she screamed, ‘I thought we were going to get a medium-sized dog!’ Her parents look startled. ‘It was the cutest little puppy in his cage, we just had to get him,’ cried her mom.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“They bought the puppy and headed home to surprise little Peggy Sue. They did not even bother to ask what breed, and how big the puppy would get. The next morning Peggy Sue woke up to the sound of loud barking, and her mother screaming at the top of her lungs. Peggy Sue ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks. A giant dog was eating their breakfast off of the table. Just then her father ran into the kitchen in his pajamas. The giant dog turned around to look at her father. The dog had a big wet tongue that had saliva and food dripping off of it.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the dog mysteriously grows overnight from a cute puppy into a giant, slobbering dog. The writer should have provided more explanation for this, but leaves it as a mystery to the family and “no big deal” to the dog. (“Peggy Sue was scared out of her wits. This is supposed to be a puppy not a giant. Then she screamed, ‘I thought we were going to get a medium-sized dog!’ Her parents look startled. ‘It was the cutest little puppy in his cage, we just had to get him,’ cried her mom. The dog (or suppose to be puppy) stepped back and laid down, like it was no big deal that he was suddenly a giant dog.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an adequate opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending is adequate.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the dilemma the family is having in choosing a dog as the new family pet. (“ Little Peggy Sue wanted a dog so badly. The problem was that her father wanted a big dog, and her mother wanted a little dog. Peggy Sue wanted a nice dog that was medium size. The three of them could never agree on the size of dog, let alone the breed. So they still had not gotten a dog yet. Every time she went to the pet store she always felt to sad. ‘I love you so much,’ she said to a little boxer puppy. The puppy wagged his tail and yapped excitedly. ‘Sorry puppy I can't buy you today.’ She did that every day for months.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“The next morning Peggy Sue woke up to the sound of loud barking, and her mother screaming at the top of her lungs. Peggy Sue ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks. A giant dog was eating their breakfast off of the table. Just then her father ran into the kitchen in his pajamas. The giant dog turned around to look at her father.”)

The story’s conclusion provides an adequate ending and gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ Peggy Sue looked at the dog. ‘This is the dog I fell in love with at the pet store.’ The dog looked at Peggy Sue with hopeful eyes that were saying, ‘Please keep me.’ ‘But how did he get so big, and overnight too?’ ‘I have no idea how it got so big!’ ‘Well, I don't care!’ yelled Peggy Sue, ‘He is my dog and we are keeping him forever and ever.’ Then she leaned over and with one finger, she touched the dog on the nose. The dog barked with glee and licked her face. This was the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship!”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The dog bounded over and went right into Peggy Sue's face. She could feel his breath on her face. ‘Honey’ said her dad, I think this is the puppy we got you. At least I think it is? Peggy Sue was scared out of her wits. This is supposed to be a puppy not a giant. Then she screamed, ‘I thought we were going to get a medium-sized dog!’ Her parents look startled. ‘It was the cutest little puppy in his cage, we just had to get him,’ cried her mom. The dog (or suppose to be puppy) stepped back and laid down, like it was no big deal that he was suddenly a giant dog.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes the family’s astonishment at the appearance of the dog the morning after bringing him home. (“ The next morning Peggy Sue woke up to the sound of loud barking, and her mother screaming at the top of her lungs. Peggy Sue ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks. A giant dog was eating their breakfast off of the table. Just then her father ran into the kitchen in his pajamas. The giant dog turned around to look at her father. The dog had a big wet tongue that had saliva and food dripping off of it.The dog bounded over and went right into Peggy Sue's face. She could feel his breath on her face. ‘Honey’ said her dad, I think this is the puppy we got you. At least I think it is? Peggy Sue was scared out of her wits. This is supposed to be a puppy not a giant.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ Peggy Sue looked at the dog. ‘This is the dog I fell in love with at the pet store.’ The dog looked at Peggy Sue with hopeful eyes that were saying, ‘Please keep me.’ ‘But how did he get so big, and overnight too?’ ‘I have no idea how it got so big!’ ‘Well, I don't care!’ yelled Peggy Sue, ‘He is my dog and we are keeping him forever and ever.’ Then she leaned over and with one finger, she touched the dog on the nose. The dog barked with glee and licked her face.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ The three of them could never agree on the size of dog, let alone the breed. So they still had not gotten a dog yet. Every time she went to the pet store she always felt to sad.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Faith was a normal 4 year old. But her biggest dream was to have a dog of her own. Her neighbors had dogs, her friends had dogs. She felt like she was the only person with out one. But that all changed when her birthday came. It was Faith's 5th birthday and when people asked her what she wanted she always said a dog. But when she had her party her brother ran inside to get the last present. She said that it was the biggest present at the party. Immediately she started tearing the paper to reveal that it was her dog that she always dreamed for.

The day after the party she started complaining that her dog was to big to do anything with. She begged her parents to take it back to the kennel but there was a policy you had to follow : You Buy It You Keep It. Weeks and weeks would pass and nothing would change how Faith felt about that dog. One day her parents took her shopping to buy dog stuff. Her brother suggested that they buy dog toys and some treats for him.

As soon as they got home opened the brand new toys and treats and immediately the dog loved them and so did Faith. Now things are different around the house. Faith loves the dog and does everything with it. I guess Faith didn't know a good thing when she had it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in this essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“Faith was a normal 4 year old. But her biggest dream was to have a dog of her own.”)

Focus is limited in this essay. The writer focuses limited details on the birthday party and the reasons Faith felt the dog was too big to play with. (“It was Faith's 5th birthday and when people asked her what she wanted she always said a dog. But when she had her party her brother ran inside to get the last present. She said that it was the biggest present at the party. Immediately she started tearing the paper to reveal that it was her dog that she always dreamed for. The day after the party she started complaining that her dog was to big to do anything with. She begged her parents to take it back to the kennel but there was a policy you had to follow : You Buy It You Keep It.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the response. The writer does not create a picture of why Faith was not satisfied with owning this particular dog. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“The day after the party she started complaining that her dog was to big to do anything with. She begged her parents to take it back to the kennel but there was a policy you had to follow : You Buy It You Keep It. Weeks and weeks would pass and nothing would change how Faith felt about that dog.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character and her birthday gift. The writer discusses the child’s disappointment in the particular dog she receives as a birthday present from her parents, but does not include the specific problems the dog may create in the story. The writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“Faith was a normal 4 year old. But her biggest dream was to have a dog of her own. Her neighbors had dogs, her friends had dogs. She felt like she was the only person with out one. But that all changed when her birthday came. It was Faith's 5th birthday and when people asked her what she wanted she always said a dog. But when she had her party her brother ran inside to get the last present. She said that it was the biggest present at the party. Immediately she started tearing the paper to reveal that it was her dog that she always dreamed for.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces the little girl, her parents, brother, and the new dog into the narrative, but does not describe them in any way. (“One day her parents took her shopping to buy dog stuff. Her brother suggested that they buy dog toys and some treats for him. As soon as they got home opened the brand new toys and treats and immediately the dog loved them and so did Faith.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“One day her parents took her shopping to buy dog stuff. Her brother suggested that they buy dog toys and some treats for him. As soon as they got home opened the brand new toys and treats and immediately the dog loved them and so did Faith. Now things are different around the house. Faith loves the dog and does everything with it. I guess Faith didn't know a good thing when she had it.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial description of the child and the birthday scenario, but does not provide enough details to hold the readers’ interest. (“ Faith was a normal 4 year old. But her biggest dream was to have a dog of her own. Her neighbors had dogs, her friends had dogs. She felt like she was the only person with out one. But that all changed when her birthday came. It was Faith's 5th birthday and when people asked her what she wanted she always said a dog. But when she had her party her brother ran inside to get the last present.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the essay. (“ The day after the party she started complaining that her dog was to big to do anything with. She begged her parents to take it back to the kennel but there was a policy you had to follow : You Buy It You Keep It. Weeks and weeks would pass and nothing would change how Faith felt about that dog. One day her parents took her shopping to buy dog stuff.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Faith loves the dog and does everything with it. I guess Faith didn't know a good thing when she had it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the response. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ Faith was a normal 4 year old. But her biggest dream was to have a dog of her own. Her neighbors had dogs, her friends had dogs. She felt like she was the only person with out one.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of the word “she,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ But when she had her party her brother ran inside to get the last present. She said that it was the biggest present at the party. Immediately she started tearing the paper to reveal that it was her dog that she always dreamed for. The day after the party she started complaining that her dog was to big to do anything with. She begged her parents to take it back to the kennel but there was a policy you had to follow : You Buy It You Keep It. ”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ One day her parents took her shopping to buy dog stuff. Her brother suggested that they buy dog toys and some treats for him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words. (“But her biggest dream was to have a dog of her own. Her neighbors had dogs, her friends had dogs. She felt like she was the only person with out one. But that all changed when her birthday came. It was Faith's 5th birthday and when people asked her what she wanted she always said a dog. But when she had her party her brother ran inside to get the last present. She said that it was the biggest present at the party. Immediately she started tearing the paper to reveal that it was her dog that she always dreamed for.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once upon the time there was girl with her dog name rocky they went for walk at the park. Susi went she got to the park there was stranger with a big black shirt with black pants and shoes. Susi was walking with rocky at the park after a long walk rocky saw the man following them form the park to there house. Rocky was barking at the stranger then Susi turn around and look at the man ,the girl ran away from the stranger. The stranger ran after her the dog was barking at the stranger and rocky went after the stranger. Rocky was bitting at the stranger.

The man when running away from the dog so he wont get bite. Susi went to her house for a rest. Susi was scared of the man because she though hes was going to be kidnap, so she told her parents for help.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“Once upon the time there was girl with her dog name rocky they went for walk at the park. Susi went she got to the park there was stranger with a big black shirt with black pants and shoes.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the little girl’s experience with the dog in the picture prompt. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Susi was walking with rocky at the park after a long walk rocky saw the man following them form the park to there house. Rocky was barking at the stranger then Susi turn around and look at the man ,the girl ran away from the stranger.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Rocky was barking at the stranger then Susi turn around and look at the man ,the girl ran away from the stranger. The stranger ran after her the dog was barking at the stranger and rocky went after the stranger. Rocky was bitting at the stranger.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks significant tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the girl and her dog but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“Once upon the time there was girl with her dog name rocky they went for walk at the park. Susi went she got to the park there was stranger with a big black shirt with black pants and shoes. Susi was walking with rocky at the park after a long walk rocky saw the man following them form the park to there house. Rocky was barking at the stranger then Susi turn around and look at the man ,the girl ran away from the stranger.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting and the writer only minimally attempts to describe one of the characters. (Once upon the time there was girl with her dog name rocky they went for walk at the park. Susi went she got to the park there was stranger with a big black shirt with black pants and shoes.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not developed in any way. (“Susi went to her house for a rest. Susi was scared of the man because she though hes was going to be kidnap, so she told her parents for help.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by creating a scenario of a little girl being followed in the park by a stranger, but the lack of details makes the narrative flat and uninteresting. (“ Once upon the time there was girl with her dog name rocky they went for walk at the park. Susi went she got to the park there was stranger with a big black shirt with black pants and shoes. Susi was walking with rocky at the park after a long walk rocky saw the man following them form the park to there house.”)

Transitions are not employed to connect events in the story. (“ The stranger ran after her the dog was barking at the stranger and rocky went after the stranger. Rocky was bitting at the stranger. The man when running away from the dog so he wont get bite. Susi went to her house for a rest.”) By including effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Susi went to her house for a rest. Susi was scared of the man because she though hes was going to be kidnap, so she told her parents for help.”) The essay fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ Once upon the time there was girl with her dog name rocky they went for walk at the park. Susi went she got to the park there was stranger with a big black shirt with black pants and shoes.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the essay. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ Susi was walking with rocky at the park after a long walk rocky saw the man following them form the park to there house. Rocky was barking at the stranger then Susi turn around and look at the man ,the girl ran away from the stranger.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ The stranger ran after her the dog was barking at the stranger and rocky went after the stranger. Rocky was bitting at the stranger. The man when running away from the dog so he wont get bite. Susi went to her house for a rest. Susi was scared of the man because she though hes was going to be kidnap, so she told her parents for help.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the essay response. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. (“Susi was walking with rocky at the park after a long walk rocky saw the man following them form the park to there house. Rocky was barking at the stranger then Susi turn around and look at the man ,the girl ran away from the stranger. The stranger ran after her the dog was barking at the stranger and rocky went after the stranger. Rocky was bitting at the stranger. The man when running away from the dog so he wont get bite. Susi went to her house for a rest. Susi was scared of the man because she though hes was going to be kidnap, so she told her parents for help.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

This is a story about my little sister and our dog Snowy. We are going on a trip to Mississippi for to see our family. We load the car with I'll bag and cloths. Then we stop at the store to get some sack and gas. We driven dwon the highway. My little sister she jump out of the car and start to run after dog. I had to get out of the car to go find my sister. Then I finally kecth up wih her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are inadequate in the response. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The essay does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ This is a story about my little sister and our dog Snowy. We are going on a trip to Mississippi for to see our family.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“We load the car with I'll bag and cloths. Then we stop at the store to get some sack and gas. We driven dwon the highway.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“I had to get out of the car to go find my sister. Then I finally kecth up wih her.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed. The author should provide details about the characters’ surroundings to help readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ We are going on a trip to Mississippi for to see our family. We load the car with I'll bag and cloths. Then we stop at the store to get some sack and gas.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“My little sister she jump out of the car and start to run after dog. I had to get out of the car to go find my sister.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“We driven dwon the highway. My little sister she jump out of the car and start to run after dog. I had to get out of the car to go find my sister. Then I finally kecth up wih her.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a story about the little girl and the dog depicted in the picture prompt. (“ This is a story about my little sister and our dog Snowy. We are going on a trip to Mississippi for to see our family.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ Then we stop at the store to get some sack and gas. We driven dwon the highway. My little sister she jump out of the car and start to run after dog. I had to get out of the car to go find my sister.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ I had to get out of the car to go find my sister. Then I finally kecth up wih her.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ We load the car with I'll bag and cloths. Then we stop at the store to get some sack and gas.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ My little sister she jump out of the car and start to run after dog. I had to get out of the car to go find my sister. Then I finally kecth up wih her.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“This is a story about my little sister and our dog Snowy. We are going on a trip to Mississippi for to see our family. We load the car with I'll bag and cloths. Then we stop at the store to get some sack and gas. We driven dwon the highway. My little sister she jump out of the car and start to run after dog. I had to get out of the car to go find my sister. Then I finally kecth up wih her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“We driven dwon the highway. My little sister she jump out of the car and start to run after dog. I had to get out of the car to go find my sister. Then I finally kecth up wih her.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Big Pizza

Click here to view the image.

Click here to view the printable version of the image and assignment.

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict, and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

An Honorable Pizza

Last Saturday, I was sitting at home with the most boring expression on my face that you have ever seen. I was a couch potato all day long with my two sisters Sara and Katie at my side watching Home Improvement, as nothing better was on. My eyes started to tear. I was forgetting to blink. I had to do something... anything. With a soft grunt, I got up to stretch and walked into the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator door hoping to see it full of mouthwatering food. Well, I opened it, and saw nothing but a simple can of horseradish and a half-eaten bagel sitting on the top shelf. I made my way over to the couch and saw my sisters just where I had left them, though I had hardly expected them to have moved. Today was our lazy day, and we were taking advantage of it.

"Does anyone want pizza?" I asked.

"Mmmmm," they mumbled back.

"I'll take that as a yes," I reasoned.

I walked through the corridor and stopped at a door. Opening it up, I pulled out a big yellow book with more pages than I could count. I flipped to the "P" section and slid my finger down the list until I found the word "Pizza." I didn't look at the name of the place I was ordering from. I just looked for the one most refreshing sentence in the world. "We deliver." I picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello, this is Mario's Pizzeria. How may I help you?"

"Can I have one large cheese pizza please?"

The television was screaming in my ear. My favorite show was on. Distracted by the television, I was only paying half attention to the man on the phone.

"We have a special on super large pizzas today. Can I interest you in a super large pizza for half price?"

"Oh, um, sure. That would be great. What's the total?"

"The total is thirty-three dollars and ninety-one cents," the man sighed.

"Okay, thank you very much."

I waited with my sisters for half of an hour until the doorbell rang and a man's voice thundered," Pizza delivery!" I raced to the front door. With a firm pull, I opened the door and reached into my pocket for money to pay with. The man handed me a pizza box that he was wobbling just carrying it. It was about the size of a tractor wheel. It was so large that I had to tilt the box sideways to fit it through the doorway and into the house. I was so hungry that I stupidly didn't even question the size of the mammoth pizza and simply handed the man my thirty-four dollars and puffed over my shoulder, "Keep the change." With the box in my hands, I walked into the living room to be attacked by two hungry couch potatoes. Apparently, they were just as hungry as I was. They didn't say one word about the size of the box.

The mouthwatering smell of pizza must have reached Sara and Katie's noses because their faces suddenly turned from blank and inanimate to wide eyed and a bushy tailed, ready to rip my arms off if it meant getting their hands on the red and green box that I was holding. Their hands seized the box and they started tugging as if we were playing Tug of War. I managed to grab the box and race into the kitchen before they could catch me again. I placed the box down and opened the lid.

Sara and Katie were about to pick up the box and run when they stopped in their tracks. Their hands were an inch from the red cardboard box, and frozen there. The box opened and steam erupted from the box like fumes spew from a volcano. I could have smelled the sweet Italian sauce from a mile away. In fact, a moment later, my neighbor, Lisa, barged through the door.

"What is that spectacular smell?" she interrogated. No one answered. We had come to our senses. One simple thought lit up in my head like a neon sign in a store window. That thought commanded, “Protect the pizza." Katie rushed to Lisa, grabbed her arm, and pushed her outside.

"Oh no," she shouted," You aren't eating this pizza!"

She slammed the door shut and rushed to the table with great enthusiasm. She picked up the box, rushed into the living room, and plopped down in front of the T.V. She waved us in and greedily snatched up a slice of pizza. We walked into the living room and sat down on either side of her, the pizza box steaming on her lap.

"We'll have a pizza breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next year or two," exclaimed Sara.

"Maybe more than that," I whispered.

"What size pizza did you order?" Katie inquired.

To tell the truth, I had no idea. I had been watching the T.V. when I was ordering the pizza. Then a bored voice said in my head, “We have a specialty on super large pizzas today."And I heard myself stupidly answer, "Oh, um, sure."

"A super large pizza," I answered with a confident note in my voice.

They stared at me as if they were in a trance. No one in our neighborhood had ordered a super large pizza from Mario's since Bobby Jones, and that didn't go over well with his parents. When he had ordered it, it wasn't half price. It was a killer sixty-six dollars, plus tax. Well, lesson learned. Never order pizza while watching television.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Descriptions and details used are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases a day when three bored girls order a very unusual pizza.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen once the pizza arrives. Readers are drawn into these experiences and feel as though they are waiting for the pizza right alongside the characters. (“I waited with my sisters for half of an hour until the doorbell rang and a man's voice thundered,’ Pizza delivery!’ I raced to the front door. With a firm pull, I opened the door and reached into my pocket for money to pay with. The man handed me a pizza box that he was wobbling just carrying it. It was about the size of a tractor wheel.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the main character’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences of the characters during their “lazy” day. (“We walked into the living room and sat down on either side of her, the pizza box steaming on her lap. ‘We'll have a pizza breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next year or two,’ exclaimed Sara. ‘Maybe more than that,’ I whispered. ‘What size pizza did you order?’ Katie inquired. To tell the truth, I had no idea. I had been watching the T.V. when I was ordering the pizza. Then a bored voice said in my head, ‘We have a specialty on super large pizzas today.’And I heard myself stupidly answer, ‘Oh, um, sure.’ ‘A super large pizza,’ I answered with a confident note in my voice.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the main character’s experience. (“I walked through the corridor and stopped at a door. Opening it up, I pulled out a big yellow book with more pages than I could count. I flipped to the ‘P’ section and slid my finger down the list until I found the word ‘Pizza.’ I didn't look at the name of the place I was ordering from. I just looked for the one most refreshing sentence in the world. ‘We deliver.’ I picked up the phone and dialed the number. ‘Hello, this is Mario's Pizzeria. How may I help you?’ ‘Can I have one large cheese pizza please?’ The television was screaming in my ear. My favorite show was on. Distracted by the television, I was only paying half attention to the man on the phone.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting, believable characters that round out the story. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the experiences of the young girl as she babysits her sisters on their “lazy” day. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes two young sisters who fight over the box of pizza. (“With the box in my hands, I walked into the living room to be attacked by two hungry couch potatoes. Apparently, they were just as hungry as I was. They didn't say one word about the size of the box. The mouthwatering smell of pizza must have reached Sara and Katie's noses because their faces suddenly turned from blank and inanimate to wide eyed and a bushy tailed, ready to rip my arms off if it meant getting their hands on the red and green box that I was holding. Their hands seized the box and they started tugging as if we were playing Tug of War. I managed to grab the box and race into the kitchen before they could catch me again. I placed the box down and opened the lid. Sara and Katie were about to pick up the box and run when they stopped in their tracks. Their hands were an inch from the red cardboard box, and frozen there. The box opened and steam erupted from the box like fumes spew from a volcano. I could have smelled the sweet Italian sauce from a mile away.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is bored and looking in the refrigerator for something to eat. (“Last Saturday, I was sitting at home with the most boring expression on my face that you have ever seen. I was a couch potato all day long with my two sisters Sara and Katie at my side watching Home Improvement, as nothing better was on. My eyes started to tear. I was forgetting to blink. I had to do something... anything. With a soft grunt, I got up to stretch and walked into the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator door hoping to see it full of mouthwatering food. Well, I opened it, and saw nothing but a simple can of horseradish and a half-eaten bagel sitting on the top shelf. I made my way over to the couch and saw my sisters just where I had left them, though I had hardly expected them to have moved. Today was our lazy day, and we were taking advantage of it. ‘Does anyone want pizza?’ I asked. ‘Mmmmm,’ they mumbled back. ‘I'll take that as a yes,’ I reasoned.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the moments immediately following the delivery of the pizza. (“Sara and Katie were about to pick up the box and run when they stopped in their tracks. Their hands were an inch from the red cardboard box, and frozen there. The box opened and steam erupted from the box like fumes spew from a volcano. I could have smelled the sweet Italian sauce from a mile away. In fact, a moment later, my neighbor, Lisa, barged through the door. ‘What is that spectacular smell?’ she interrogated. No one answered. We had come to our senses. One simple thought lit up in my head like a neon sign in a store window. That thought commanded, ‘Protect the pizza.’ Katie rushed to Lisa, grabbed her arm, and pushed her outside. ‘Oh no,’ she shouted,’ You aren't eating this pizza!’ She slammed the door shut and rushed to the table with great enthusiasm. She picked up the box, rushed into the living room, and plopped down in front of the T.V. She waved us in and greedily snatched up a slice of pizza. We walked into the living room and sat down on either side of her, the pizza box steaming on her lap.”)

Organization

The story’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a relevant scenario to open the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of bored children relaxing on their “lazy” day. (“I was a couch potato all day long with my two sisters Sara and Katie at my side watching Home Improvement, as nothing better was on. My eyes started to tear. I was forgetting to blink. I had to do something... anything. With a soft grunt, I got up to stretch and walked into the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator door hoping to see it full of mouthwatering food. Well, I opened it, and saw nothing but a simple can of horseradish and a half-eaten bagel sitting on the top shelf. I made my way over to the couch and saw my sisters just where I had left them, though I had hardly expected them to have moved. Today was our lazy day, and we were taking advantage of it.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“With the box in my hands, I walked into the living room to be attacked by two hungry couch potatoes. Apparently, they were just as hungry as I was. They didn't say one word about the size of the box. The mouthwatering smell of pizza must have reached Sara and Katie's noses because their faces suddenly turned from blank and inanimate to wide eyed and a bushy tailed, ready to rip my arms off if it meant getting their hands on the red and green box that I was holding. Their hands seized the box and they started tugging as if we were playing Tug of War. I managed to grab the box and race into the kitchen before they could catch me again. I placed the box down and opened the lid.”)

The story demonstrates a very clever ending, emphasizing a humorous lesson learned. (“They stared at me as if they were in a trance. No one in our neighborhood had ordered a super large pizza from Mario's since Bobby Jones, and that didn't go over well with his parents. When he had ordered it, it wasn't half price. It was a killer sixty-six dollars, plus tax. Well, lesson learned. Never order pizza while watching television.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the main character’s experiences ordering a very large pizza for the first time. (“ I was so hungry that I stupidly didn't even question the size of the mammoth pizza and simply handed the man my thirty-four dollars and puffed over my shoulder, ‘Keep the change.’ With the box in my hands, I walked into the living room to be attacked by two hungry couch potatoes. Apparently, they were just as hungry as I was. They didn't say one word about the size of the box.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ The mouthwatering smell of pizza must have reached Sara and Katie's noses because their faces suddenly turned from blank and inanimate to wide eyed and a bushy tailed, ready to rip my arms off if it meant getting their hands on the red and green box that I was holding. Their hands seized the box and they started tugging as if we were playing Tug of War. I managed to grab the box and race into the kitchen before they could catch me again. I placed the box down and opened the lid.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. For example, readers can feel the writer’s sense of boredom at the beginning of the story. (“ Last Saturday, I was sitting at home with the most boring expression on my face that you have ever seen. I was a couch potato all day long with my two sisters Sara and Katie at my side watching Home Improvement, as nothing better was on. My eyes started to tear. I was forgetting to blink. I had to do something... anything. With a soft grunt, I got up to stretch and walked into the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator door hoping to see it full of mouthwatering food. Well, I opened it, and saw nothing but a simple can of horseradish and a half-eaten bagel sitting on the top shelf. I made my way over to the couch and saw my sisters just where I had left them, though I had hardly expected them to have moved. Today was our lazy day, and we were taking advantage of it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ I waited with my sisters for half of an hour until the doorbell rang and a man's voice thundered,’ Pizza delivery!’ I raced to the front door. With a firm pull, I opened the door and reached into my pocket for money to pay with. The man handed me a pizza box that he was wobbling just carrying it. It was about the size of a tractor wheel. It was so large that I had to tilt the box sideways to fit it through the doorway and into the house.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My Own Pizza

It was Friday night, and my mom had just answered the door. It was the pizza delivery man. Everyone shouted with joy! We were all very hungry!

I was hoping to get the first piece of the supreme pizza, but everyone was bustling about. Justin pushed me out of the way, inching his hand toward the last slice of Hawaiian pizza. I fell to the ground, and my plate slipped onto the floor. BOOM! The room fell silent. The plate fell onto the tile, breaking into a million tiny pieces. I got up and brushed the dirt off of my pants. I angrily stomped over to the cupboard and grabbed a different plate.

Great! There was no line at the pizza box because everyone was watching TV now. There were two pieces of the supreme left! I picked up both of them and sat down. I took my first bite of pizza, it was delicious! The flavorful pepperoni complemented the refreshing green peppers, and- Oh, no! My sister and two step brothers stomped greedily up to me, yelling.

"You got the last piece of pizza?" Jordan, the oldest step brother, questioned.

"We wanted some more, too!" my sister, Alex, exclaimed.

I was about to protest when they all tackled me and the pizza fell to the floor.

"Uh, oh," remarked Justin.

"I'm not cleaning that up!" Alex announced.

"What have you done?" I yelled, "I didn't get any! This was my only piece!"

"It was?" Alex asked.

"Yes!" I replied.

"Oops," she said.

I was furious! I hadn't eaten all day, and now my dinner was all over the dirty floor! What was I supposed to do now? My stomach rumbled ferociously.

My mom came in the kitchen. "Who did this?" she asked.

All fingers were pointed at me while I sat there unable to speak. "Um. . .Uh. . ."

"Go get the broom and clean it up. Then you may explain," Mom ordered.

"Busted!" Jordan observed.

"I didn't even do it! You guys came and made me-"

"We didn't make you do anything!" my sister yelled.

"Yeah, you did! You were mad because-" I started. On and on we went, as we argued about who made the ugly mess with the pizza.

"I'm just going to tell Mom the truth, and hopefully, she'll find something for me to eat," I announced. I started walking away. I assumed that they were exhausted from yelling at me because neither of them said a word.

"Mom," I walked into her room. I told her about what had happened back in the kitchen with the pizza, and I also mentioned how the plate fell onto the tile. "I'm sorry about breaking the plate and making the mess, but can I have something else to eat? There isn't any pizza left," I explained.

I would usually just creep out to the kitchen, and get a pear or something, but we haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. And, well, you couldn't find anything more than a speck of dirt.

"Hmm. Get in the car. I will take you to the pizza place and buy you your very own pizza. You don't even have to share it," Mom replied.

"Really? For me? Thank you!" I was overwhelmed with joy; it was probably just my stomach talking. I was surprised at her generosity. I mean, she wouldn't just do this for anyone. I ran to the car.

We drove for about an hour; we live very far from "Little Caesars," and I was about to eat the car seat. But, then, we finally got there! The place smelled incredible! We went to order. "Tell them what you want," Mom ordered.

"I want a large pizza with pepperonis, green peppers, sausage, cheese," the cashier had a huge smile spread across his face, while the other costumers just looked at me in aww.

"Looks like the girl's got a big appetite," he said to my mom.

"She sure does!" Mom said, not believing it. We left. I wanted to eat my pizza with everything on it! But Mom said I had to wait to get home. She hates having her car be a mess.

We got home, and everyone stared at me. After a few moments, they started arguing.

"Why does she get her own?" Jordan moaned questionably.

"I only got two pieces!" Alex complained.

"I'm still hungry!" Justin yelled.

"Lets hope you learned a lesson, and stop fighting,” Mom paused.

Alex took in a breath as she began to speak.

"And no, you may not throw your pizza on the floor, so I'll buy you your own," Mom interrupted.

Alex didn't say anything.

It was wonderful! Everything blended together made a perfect combination. After five or six pieces, I was stuffed, but I ate the whole delicious thing. It was a great day, and I wait for the next time they would make me drop my food!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well-stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the argument between the main character and her siblings over the pizza that fell on the floor. (“I was furious! I hadn't eaten all day, and now my dinner was all over the dirty floor! What was I supposed to do now? My stomach rumbled ferociously. My mom came in the kitchen. ‘Who did this?’ she asked. All fingers were pointed at me while I sat there unable to speak. ‘Um. . .Uh. . .’ ‘Go get the broom and clean it up. Then you may explain,’ Mom ordered.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“‘Mom,’ I walked into her room. I told her about what had happened back in the kitchen with the pizza, and I also mentioned how the plate fell onto the tile. ‘I'm sorry about breaking the plate and making the mess, but can I have something else to eat? There isn't any pizza left,’ I explained. I would usually just creep out to the kitchen, and get a pear or something, but we haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. And, well, you couldn't find anything more than a speck of dirt. ‘Hmm. Get in the car. I will take you to the pizza place and buy you your very own pizza. You don't even have to share it,’ Mom replied.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer also provides relevant dialogue to move the story through the well-sequenced events. (“We got home, and everyone stared at me. After a few moments, they started arguing. ‘Why does she get her own?’ Jordan moaned questionably. ‘I only got two pieces!’ Alex complained. ‘I'm still hungry!’ Justin yelled. ‘Lets hope you learned a lesson, and stop fighting,’ Mom paused. Alex took in a breath as she began to speak. ‘And no, you may not throw your pizza on the floor, so I'll buy you your own,’ Mom interrupted. Alex didn't say anything. It was wonderful! Everything blended together made a perfect combination. After five or six pieces, I was stuffed, but I ate the whole delicious thing.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as her siblings torture her with troubles over pizza. (“I was furious! I hadn't eaten all day, and now my dinner was all over the dirty floor! What was I supposed to do now? My stomach rumbled ferociously. My mom came in the kitchen. ‘Who did this?’ she asked. All fingers were pointed at me while I sat there unable to speak. ‘Um. . .Uh. . .’ ‘Go get the broom and clean it up. Then you may explain,’ Mom ordered. ‘Busted!’ Jordan observed. ‘I didn't even do it! You guys came and made me-‘ ‘We didn't make you do anything!’ my sister yelled.”)

Each setting is developed with some details. (“We drove for about an hour; we live very far from ‘Little Caesars,’ and I was about to eat the car seat. But, then, we finally got there! The place smelled incredible! We went to order. ‘Tell them what you want,’ Mom ordered. ‘I want a large pizza with pepperonis, green peppers, sausage, cheese,’ the cashier had a huge smile spread across his face, while the other costumers just looked at me in aww. ‘Looks like the girl's got a big appetite,’ he said to my mom. ‘She sure does!’ Mom said, not believing it. We left. I wanted to eat my pizza with everything on it! But Mom said I had to wait to get home. She hates having her car be a mess.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Great! There was no line at the pizza box because everyone was watching TV now. There were two pieces of the supreme left! I picked up both of them and sat down. I took my first bite of pizza, it was delicious! The flavorful pepperoni complemented the refreshing green peppers, and- Oh, no! My sister and two step brothers stomped greedily up to me, yelling. ‘You got the last piece of pizza?’ Jordan, the oldest step brother, questioned. ‘We wanted some more, too!’ my sister, Alex, exclaimed. I was about to protest when they all tackled me and the pizza fell to the floor. ‘Uh, oh,’ remarked Justin. ‘I'm not cleaning that up!’ Alex announced. ‘What have you done?’ I yelled, ‘I didn't get any! This was my only piece!’ ‘It was?’ Alex asked. ‘Yes!’ I replied. ‘Oops,’ she said.”)

Organization

The story effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ It was Friday night, and my mom had just answered the door. It was the pizza delivery man. Everyone shouted with joy! We were all very hungry! I was hoping to get the first piece of the supreme pizza, but everyone was bustling about. Justin pushed me out of the way, inching his hand toward the last slice of Hawaiian pizza. I fell to the ground, and my plate slipped onto the floor. BOOM! The room fell silent. The plate fell onto the tile, breaking into a million tiny pieces. I got up and brushed the dirt off of my pants. I angrily stomped over to the cupboard and grabbed a different plate.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ I would usually just creep out to the kitchen, and get a pear or something, but we haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. And, well, you couldn't find anything more than a speck of dirt. ‘Hmm. Get in the car. I will take you to the pizza place and buy you your very own pizza. You don't even have to share it,’ Mom replied. ‘Really? For me? Thank you!’ I was overwhelmed with joy; it was probably just my stomach talking. I was surprised at her generosity. I mean, she wouldn't just do this for anyone. I ran to the car. We drove for about an hour; we live very far from ‘Little Caesars,’ and I was about to eat the car seat. But, then, we finally got there! The place smelled incredible! We went to order. ‘Tell them what you want,’ Mom ordered.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ It was wonderful! Everything blended together made a perfect combination. After five or six pieces, I was stuffed, but I ate the whole delicious thing. It was a great day, and I wait for the next time they would make me drop my food!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. He/she demonstrates a ppropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

Language and tone are consistent. (“‘ Mom,’ I walked into her room. I told her about what had happened back in the kitchen with the pizza, and I also mentioned how the plate fell onto the tile. ‘I'm sorry about breaking the plate and making the mess, but can I have something else to eat? There isn't any pizza left,’ I explained. I would usually just creep out to the kitchen, and get a pear or something, but we haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. And, well, you couldn't find anything more than a speck of dirt.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ I was hoping to get the first piece of the supreme pizza, but everyone was bustling about. Justin pushed me out of the way, inching his hand toward the last slice of Hawaiian pizza. I fell to the ground, and my plate slipped onto the floor. BOOM! The room fell silent. The plate fell onto the tile, breaking into a million tiny pieces. I got up and brushed the dirt off of my pants. I angrily stomped over to the cupboard and grabbed a different plate.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the conflict and resolution included in the story. (“ We got home, and everyone stared at me. After a few moments, they started arguing. ‘Why does she get her own?’ Jordan moaned questionably. ‘I only got two pieces!’ Alex complained. ‘I'm still hungry!’ Justin yelled. ‘Lets hope you learned a lesson, and stop fighting,’ Mom paused. Alex took in a breath as she began to speak. ‘And no, you may not throw your pizza on the floor, so I'll buy you your own,’ Mom interrupted. Alex didn't say anything. It was wonderful! Everything blended together made a perfect combination. After five or six pieces, I was stuffed, but I ate the whole delicious thing. It was a great day, and I wait for the next time they would make me drop my food!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ We drove for about an hour; we live very far from ‘Little Caesars,’ and I was about to eat the car seat. But, then, we finally got there! The place smelled incredible! We went to order. ‘Tell them what you want,’ Mom ordered. ‘I want a large pizza with pepperonis, green peppers, sausage, cheese,’ the cashier had a huge smile spread across his face, while the other costumers just looked at me in aww.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once there was a boy whose name was Jake, who didn't always listen to his parents. He was a very curious little boy who always wanted to know what would happen if he experimented with something. He was only 13 years old. His parents didn't like for him to experiment with things, especially when they weren't home, because something always went wrong.

Jake's parents were going out for the evening. Once again he would be left at home alone. Mom prepared dinner before they left, but Jake didn't like what she had cooked. So he decided to cook his own dinner. He searched the refrigerator and cabinets and discovered some ingredients for a pizza. Jake thought, "After my pizza is done I'll invite a few friends over." Jake mixed together flour, water, and a package of yeast to make the dough for the pizza. Then he began to knead the dough and smooth it out. He also began to add the sauce, cheese, meat, pineapples, and black olives. He put the pizza in the oven to let it cook for a while.

Jake picked up the phone to call his friends. He bragged about his pizza and how delicious it would taste. They all agreed to come over to try out his pizza. A few minutes later, Jake's friends started arriving. Their names were Trey, Mike, and Bryan. After letting them in, Jake went to the kitchen to get the pizza out of the oven. Jake had a surprised look on his face as he opened the oven door. It turned out that he used too much yeast and the pizza ended up expanding into a huge pizza. It wasn't expected to be like this, but it turned out being pretty delicious. Jake and his friends finished the pizza and had soda to wash it all down. As they finished, Jake took their plates and washed them up himself, instead of using the dishwasher. Trey, Bryan, and Mike started to leave and Jake started to clean up. Remember the dinner his mom cooked for him earlier? Well, Jake threw it out in the outside trash can. He said to himself, “This wasn't a bad experiment.”

A few minutes later, Jake’s parents started to arrive. His mom went in the kitchen and saw that Jake ate his food. Now all Jake had to do is just brush his teeth and go to bed. They're only one problem. Jake forgot to check and clean the oven. Turns out, he got grounded for the next 2 weeks.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“Jake's parents were going out for the evening. Once again he would be left at home alone. Mom prepared dinner before they left, but Jake didn't like what she had cooked. So he decided to cook his own dinner. He searched the refrigerator and cabinets and discovered some ingredients for a pizza.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“He put the pizza in the oven to let it cook for a while. Jake picked up the phone to call his friends. He bragged about his pizza and how delicious it would taste. They all agreed to come over to try out his pizza. A few minutes later, Jake's friends started arriving. Their names were Trey, Mike, and Bryan. After letting them in, Jake went to the kitchen to get the pizza out of the oven. Jake had a surprised look on his face as he opened the oven door. It turned out that he used too much yeast and the pizza ended up expanding into a huge pizza. It wasn't expected to be like this, but it turned out being pretty delicious.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“After letting them in, Jake went to the kitchen to get the pizza out of the oven. Jake had a surprised look on his face as he opened the oven door. It turned out that he used too much yeast and the pizza ended up expanding into a huge pizza. It wasn't expected to be like this, but it turned out being pretty delicious. Jake and his friends finished the pizza and had soda to wash it all down. As they finished, Jake took their plates and washed them up himself, instead of using the dishwasher. Trey, Bryan, and Mike started to leave and Jake started to clean up. Remember the dinner his mom cooked for him earlier? Well, Jake threw it out in the outside trash can. He said to himself, ‘This wasn't a bad experiment.’”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. Sequential events hold readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of some dialogue. (“Remember the dinner his mom cooked for him earlier? Well, Jake threw it out in the outside trash can. He said to himself, ‘This wasn't a bad experiment.’”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“Once again he would be left at home alone. Mom prepared dinner before they left, but Jake didn't like what she had cooked. So he decided to cook his own dinner. He searched the refrigerator and cabinets and discovered some ingredients for a pizza. Jake thought, ‘After my pizza is done I'll invite a few friends over.’ Jake mixed together flour, water, and a package of yeast to make the dough for the pizza. Then he began to knead the dough and smooth it out. He also began to add the sauce, cheese, meat, pineapples, and black olives. He put the pizza in the oven to let it cook for a while.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the main character forgets to clean the oven. (“They're only one problem. Jake forgot to check and clean the oven. Turns out, he got grounded for the next 2 weeks.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to secure readers’ attention by hinting that the main character has a mischievous side. (“ Once there was a boy whose name was Jake, who didn't always listen to his parents. He was a very curious little boy who always wanted to know what would happen if he experimented with something. He was only 13 years old. His parents didn't like for him to experiment with things, especially when they weren't home, because something always went wrong.”)

The writer uses adequate transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“As they finished, Jake took their plates and washed them up himself, instead of using the dishwasher. Trey, Bryan, and Mike started to leave and Jake started to clean up. Remember the dinner his mom cooked for him earlier? Well, Jake threw it out in the outside trash can. He said to himself, ‘This wasn't a bad experiment.’”)

The conclusion gives readers a sense of closure. (“ A few minutes later, Jake’s parents started to arrive. His mom went in the kitchen and saw that Jake ate his food. Now all Jake had to do is just brush his teeth and go to bed. They're only one problem. Jake forgot to check and clean the oven. Turns out, he got grounded for the next 2 weeks.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Generally correct sentence structure with some variety is revealed .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Mom prepared dinner before they left, but Jake didn't like what she had cooked. So he decided to cook his own dinner. He searched the refrigerator and cabinets and discovered some ingredients for a pizza. Jake thought, ‘After my pizza is done I'll invite a few friends over.’”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes the surprise experienced when Jake opens the oven door. (“ Jake went to the kitchen to get the pizza out of the oven. Jake had a surprised look on his face as he opened the oven door. It turned out that he used too much yeast and the pizza ended up expanding into a huge pizza. It wasn't expected to be like this, but it turned out being pretty delicious.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ He searched the refrigerator and cabinets and discovered some ingredients for a pizza. Jake thought, ‘After my pizza is done I'll invite a few friends over.’ Jake mixed together flour, water, and a package of yeast to make the dough for the pizza. Then he began to knead the dough and smooth it out. He also began to add the sauce, cheese, meat, pineapples, and black olives. He put the pizza in the oven to let it cook for a while.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the narrative. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Today is a sunny day. It is also my best friend Matt's birthday. I always ask him what he want, but this time I going to gave him a gift that I choose. This is the fourth year that Matt and I are still best friend. I am thinking what should I gave him for birthday present he like alot of things like pizza, play a baseball game and sports. He like ever thing that I gave him.

I planed matt's birthday present about a week ago. I plan to gave him a big surprise. Matt have many friends and his family is very rich, also he have a big house, so he always invited friends come to his birthday party. Matt always in vited me to come to his birthday party, he and me are the best friend ever. I always gave him a present on his birthday. Last year I gave him baseball cards, he loves it. For this year I am thinking what should I gave him for his birthday present. Some time I go to his birthday party, he gave me things too, like the game or basketball and more stuff. So this year I will gave him a best present that I choose.

Today is matt's birthday, I got up early and go to the mall and finding special present for him. Why I say special present is because I usually choose ramdom stuff. But for this year it is going to be a big surpris for him. So I walk walk and walk. Finding present, sudently I stop, my eyes are looking at a shop name "James Pizza". People says the "James Pizza" shop is the best pizza shop ever in the whole world, some people even says that it is the number one pizza shop. So althrough Matt love pizza, so I bought him one for his birthday present.

So after that I take a ride from mom with my pizza to Matt's house. When I step in the house it is full of light and exicting suff, like the lights goes up and down and there is also horde of people in the house. I am trying to find Matt but there is too much people. Finally a guy wearing a yellow shirt and a blue pants with a glasses walk out from the people. I yell:"MATT"!!! And after I yell he turn around and run to me. I gave him the pizza. He said come to his room so we got in there. After he open it he got so suprise ans he tell me he always want it but it is to expensive and his mom don't buy him one. So he open the box and we start eating it in his room. No one is in there only us two. We call it "Friend dinner". After we finih the pizza We start to play. The pizza is pretty good. but not as good as the friend ship of Matt and me.

As you know we are still beat friend, the fifth year of our friendship.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“I am thinking what should I gave him for birthday present he like alot of things like pizza, play a baseball game and sports. He like ever thing that I gave him.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the reasons for the surprised look on the boy’s face in the picture prompt. (“After he open it he got so suprise ans he tell me he always want it but it is to expensive and his mom don't buy him one. So he open the box and we start eating it in his room.”)

The writer provides limited events that would develop the narrative more fully. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“We call it ‘Friend dinner’. After we finih the pizza We start to play. The pizza is pretty good. but not as good as the friend ship of Matt and me.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The story reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters, and it lacks sufficient details to make the story compelling to readers. The writer discusses a surprise pizza birthday gift but does not include a problem in the story. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“Today is a sunny day. It is also my best friend Matt's birthday. I always ask him what he want, but this time I going to gave him a gift that I choose. This is the fourth year that Matt and I are still best friend. I am thinking what should I gave him for birthday present he like alot of things like pizza, play a baseball game and sports.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces main and supporting characters into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“Matt have many friends and his family is very rich, also he have a big house, so he always invited friends come to his birthday party.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“Finally a guy wearing a yellow shirt and a blue pants with a glasses walk out from the people. I yell:‘MATT’!!!”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial scenario of a boy pondering a gift idea for his friend. (“ Today is a sunny day. It is also my best friend Matt's birthday. I always ask him what he want, but this time I going to gave him a gift that I choose. This is the fourth year that Matt and I are still best friend. I am thinking what should I gave him for birthday present he like alot of things like pizza, play a baseball game and sports. He like ever thing that I gave him.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the story. (“ After he open it he got so suprise ans he tell me he always want it but it is to expensive and his mom don't buy him one. So he open the box and we start eating it in his room. No one is in there only us two. We call it ‘Friend dinner’. After we finih the pizza We start to play.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ As you know we are still beat friend, the fifth year of our friendship.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences reflect syntactical errors that may affect readers’ understanding of the writer’s message. (“ I always ask him what he want, but this time I going to gave him a gift that I choose. This is the fourth year that Matt and I are still best friend. I am thinking what should I gave him for birthday present he like alot of things like pizza, play a baseball game and sports. He like ever thing that I gave him.”)

There is a limited attempt to provide sentences with variety. (“ When I step in the house it is full of light and exicting suff, like the lights goes up and down and there is also horde of people in the house. I am trying to find Matt but there is too much people. Finally a guy wearing a yellow shirt and a blue pants with a glasses walk out from the people. I yell:’MATT’!!!”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Last year I gave him baseball cards, he loves it. For this year I am thinking what should I gave him for his birthday present. Some time I go to his birthday party, he gave me things too, like the game or basketball and more stuff. So this year I will gave him a best present that I choose.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“I planed matt's birthday present about a week ago. I plan to gave him a big surprise. Matt have many friends and his family is very rich, also he have a big house, so he always invited friends come to his birthday party. Matt always in vited me to come to his birthday party, he and me are the best friend ever.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

One day Bob was sitting at his fancy house eating a large cheese pizza.His favorite food to eat is pizza.He was a selfish and greedy kid.He would never share anything with his friends.Bob went back to the store and got another pizza.He went home and made his friends jealous by eating right in front of their faces. His friends begged to eat some of that delicious pizza,but Bob said no his friends made up a devious plan to teach him a lesson.Later on,his friends bought a pizza box with no pizza in it to fool Bob Bob fell for the trick and got mad at the pizza store.He went back to the store and got another pizza.

When his friends were eating pizza Bob would put on a disguise and steal the pizza.So whenever anyone ate pizza Bob would steal it.From now on Bob became a criminal stealing pizzas.His friends try to stop him but its impossible they lured him into a trap by putting a pizza in a jail cell. He went jail just because he was greedy he got released and apoligized to his friends for causing trouble.From now on, he will always share pizza with his friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“One day Bob was sitting at his fancy house eating a large cheese pizza.His favorite food to eat is pizza.He was a selfish and greedy kid.He would never share anything with his friends.Bob went back to the store and got another pizza.He went home and made his friends jealous by eating right in front of their faces.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of what is happening in the picture prompt. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“When his friends were eating pizza Bob would put on a disguise and steal the pizza.So whenever anyone ate pizza Bob would steal it.From now on Bob became a criminal stealing pizzas.His friends try to stop him but its impossible they lured him into a trap by putting a pizza in a jail cell. He went jail just because he was greedy he got released and apoligized to his friends for causing trouble.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Later on,his friends bought a pizza box with no pizza in it to fool Bob Bob fell for the trick and got mad at the pizza store.He went back to the store and got another pizza.”)

Content & Development

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the conflict in the story but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“Bob went back to the store and got another pizza.He went home and made his friends jealous by eating right in front of their faces. His friends begged to eat some of that delicious pizza,but Bob said no his friends made up a devious plan to teach him a lesson.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“Later on,his friends bought a pizza box with no pizza in it to fool Bob Bob fell for the trick and got mad at the pizza store.He went back to the store and got another pizza. When his friends were eating pizza Bob would put on a disguise and steal the pizza.So whenever anyone ate pizza Bob would steal it.From now on Bob became a criminal stealing pizzas.His friends try to stop him but its impossible they lured him into a trap by putting a pizza in a jail cell.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not implemented in the narrative. (“His friends begged to eat some of that delicious pizza,but Bob said no his friends made up a devious plan to teach him a lesson.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab readers’ attention by giving a small sense of what kind of person the main character is in the beginning of the story. (“ One day Bob was sitting at his fancy house eating a large cheese pizza.His favorite food to eat is pizza.He was a selfish and greedy kid.He would never share anything with his friends.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ When his friends were eating pizza Bob would put on a disguise and steal the pizza.So whenever anyone ate pizza Bob would steal it.From now on Bob became a criminal stealing pizzas.His friends try to stop him but its impossible they lured him into a trap by putting a pizza in a jail cell.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal ending. The story fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story; the conclusion does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ He went jail just because he was greedy he got released and apoligized to his friends for causing trouble.From now on, he will always share pizza with his friends.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ He went jail just because he was greedy he got released and apoligized to his friends for causing trouble.”)

There is no style or voice reflected in the narrative. (“ His friends begged to eat some of that delicious pizza,but Bob said no his friends made up a devious plan to teach him a lesson.Later on,his friends bought a pizza box with no pizza in it to fool Bob Bob fell for the trick and got mad at the pizza store.He went back to the store and got another pizza.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structures do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ When his friends were eating pizza Bob would put on a disguise and steal the pizza.So whenever anyone ate pizza Bob would steal it.From now on Bob became a criminal stealing pizzas.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“He went jail just because he was greedy he got released and apoligized to his friends for causing trouble.From now on, he will always share pizza with his friends.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once upon a time me and my freinds were realy hungryso we ordereda realy big pizza. With peperoni, pinaple, sausage, chicken, bacon,and ranch. Me and my freinds were amazed at how big it was. It was the biggest pizza ever made.it was a contest. So we needed $10 to enter. So we needed money. We built a car wash. We raised $100.00. For all of us to enter. If we win we get $5,000. It is a mile long. We won.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not clearly stated and the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the prompt task. (“ Once upon a time me and my freinds were realy hungryso we ordereda realy big pizza.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“So we needed $10 to enter. So we needed money. We built a car wash.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“If we win we get $5,000. It is a mile long. We won.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ Once upon a time me and my freinds were realy hungryso we ordereda realy big pizza.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed with any details. (“Me and my freinds were amazed at how big it was.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“It was the biggest pizza ever made.it was a contest. So we needed $10 to enter.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the story is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, an exciting story about the boy in the picture. (“ Once upon a time me and my freinds were realy hungryso we ordereda realy big pizza. With peperoni, pinaple, sausage, chicken, bacon,and ranch. Me and my freinds were amazed at how big it was. It was the biggest pizza ever made.it was a contest.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ So we needed $10 to enter. So we needed money. We built a car wash. We raised $100.00.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ If we win we get $5,000. It is a mile long. We won.”)

Language Use & Style

The sentences are very short and choppy; consequently, they do not serve to create an effective message. (“ So we needed $10 to enter. So we needed money. We built a car wash. We raised $100.00. For all of us to enter.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Once upon a time me and my freinds were realy hungryso we ordereda realy big pizza. With peperoni, pinaple, sausage, chicken, bacon,and ranch. Me and my freinds were amazed at how big it was.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structures in the narrative. (“Me and my freinds were amazed at how big it was. It was the biggest pizza ever made.it was a contest.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The story is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Once upon a time me and my freinds were realy hungryso we ordereda realy big pizza. With peperoni, pinaple, sausage, chicken, bacon,and ranch. Me and my freinds were amazed at how big it was.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Caught in a Winter Storm

Imagine you find yourself in frigid winter weather with the local weather forecast calling for lots of snow. Before you know it, the snow is coming down heavily and fiercely, and local newscasts are warning residents to stay where they are and to not leave home. Where are you during this winter storm? Who are you with? What are you doing? How does your situation get resolved?

Write an imaginative story about being caught in a winter storm. It's up to you to decide the setting and characters of your story. Remember to provide detailed description and dialogue to add color to your writing and to make your story come to life.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I walked forward, shuffling my feet. I kicked my heel against the concrete and watched a cloud of dirt raise up next to my feet. I was walking by the park in my neighborhood, bored of playing video games and watching TV at my house. It was strangely quiet at the usually populated park, especially during winter; when all the kids in the neighborhood wanted to play in the snow. The wind picked up, blowing my hair into my face. I looked up, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. The bare trees planted around the sidewalk leaned slightly by the wind. It blew stronger, spraying the thin powdery snow up. I shivered, and shoved my hands in my jacket pocket. I looked up, to see dark storm clouds in the sky.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, making me jump. I pulled it out, and looked at the little screen. It was my house number. I opened the phone, and pressed against my ear.

"Hello?"

" Jordan ?" My mom's frantic voice said. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I said, confused. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"There is a storm coming. We saw it on the news, and Isabelle said you went for a walk."

"I'm fine."

"Okay, well come home, dinner will be ready soon." My mom said, then hung up. I pushed the phone back into my pocket, and started walking towards my house.

I walked slowly, watching my breath in the cold air. The wind continued to blow stronger, and I picked up my speed, now in a hurry to get home.

After a few minutes, I stepped up to my front door, and turned the handle. It locked, so I pounded on the door. My eyes traced the patterns in the wood as I waited. The door opened a crack, showing my little sister, Isabelle. She opened it wider, seeing it was me.

I stepped in the house, closing the door behind me. Isabelle watched as I took off my jacket and shoes, throwing them on the wood near the door. I followed the sound of the TV, coming from the living room. My parents were sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with wide eyes. They looked up when I stepped inside, followed by Isabelle.

My parents looked nothing like me. My mom was short, with blond hair, and wide blue eyes. My dad also had blond hair, with dark brown eyes. My sister and I both had dark hair, and we used to joke about how we were not really our parents’ kids, and how the doctors had gotten it mixed up in the hospital. I was tall, with pale skin, and dark green eyes. Isabella had long curly hair, and hazel eyes.

The wind whistled loudly against the window. Isabelle hid behind my leg. I picked her up, and she hid her face against my shoulder.

"What were you saying about a storm?" I said, walking over to the couch and handing Isabelle to my mom. She nodded towards the TV. I followed her gaze.

I sat down on the arm chair, and watched the local weather forecast. It called for a blizzard, with lots of snow, and raging wind. I raised my eyebrows. 'Raging wind and snow'? It was not even that cold outside, let alone a blizzard. I looked toward the window, and gasped. Snow was coming down in sheets, and the snow-covered trees outside were bending dangerously over. The wind whistled against the windows again, and Isabelle whimpered.

"It will be fine. Just a little wind." My dad said, standing up.

He walked into the kitchen and lifted up the lid on one of the pans on the stove. Steam rose up out of it, fogging up the screen on the microwave. My mom stood up with Isabelle, to go help. I crossed the room to the window, and sat on the window bench, leaning against the wall. I watched the snow pile up outside, coating everything in sight with a thick blanket of white. It scared me how fast it was building up. After about ten minutes, the snow almost reached the window. I turned away, not able to look at it.

Soon, dinner was ready, and my mom called me to the kitchen. She handed me a plate of spaghetti. I smiled, and thanked her, and went to sit down. We ate mostly in silence, not really knowing what to say.

"What's wrong with you guys?" My dad said suddenly. I looked up. "It's just a little snow!"

My mom raised her eyebrows.

"Okay, a lot of snow. So, let's have fun with it!" He stood up and crossed the room to the radio on the counter by the sink. He turned on a CD of Christmas music, even though it was the middle of January. Isabelle laughed, and hopped off her chair. She ran over and my dad picked her up and swung her around. She squealed, and my dad started dancing with her. He closed his eyes, and his head swayed back and forth. Isabelle laughed, and I had to join in. My mom went to go dance along. I stared at the three, laughing.

"Come on, Jordan !" My mom said. They all looked at me.

"I am okay, but you three go right ahead."

"Please?" Isabelle said, her eyes wide. I laughed.

"Well, now how can I refuse that?" I said, and went to take her from my dad. I swung her around, and we danced, along with my parents. It was cheesy, and silly, but I had fun, and laughed along with everyone.

After, we had dessert, which was cheesecake. We made popcorn, and watched movies. We talked in the living room, snuggled up in blankets and pillows.

"How much has it snowed?" My mom said. I looked over at the window. I felt my mouth fall open, and the blood drain from my face. The snow line had reached higher than the window. I scrambled up and ran to the front door. I opened it slowly. We were snowed in. I walked back to the living room.

"We are snowed in."

My mom and dad stared at me. "Snowed in?"

I nodded. "Well," my dad said, "I guess were not leaving anytime soon. We will be fine. Relax."

The night went on, mostly the same as before. We talked for a while, until we had to put Isabelle to bed. I went to my room.

I sat on the window seal, watching the snow fall, just as hard as before. The snow level looked way too close from the second floor, and it scared me. The tops of the trees could be seen, barely twigs above the white blanket. I turned away from the window and layed down on my bed. I closed my eyes, and tried to relax, but the wind screamed against the windows. Eventually, the wind quieted, and I fell asleep, hoping the snow would eventually stop, and tomorrow would be better.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this story. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant.

The story states the main event very effectively, and all of the parts of the story relate to the main event. (“I sat down on the arm chair, and watched the local weather forecast. It called for a blizzard, with lots of snow, and raging wind. I raised my eyebrows. 'Raging wind and snow'? It was not even that cold outside, let alone a blizzard. I looked toward the window, and gasped. Snow was coming down in sheets, and the snow-covered trees outside were bending dangerously over. The wind whistled against the windows again, and Isabelle whimpered.”)

In the beginning of the essay, what happens before the main event is demonstrated effectively. (“ I walked forward, shuffling my feet. I kicked my heel against the concrete and watched a cloud of dirt raise up next to my feet. I was walking by the park in my neighborhood, bored of playing video games and watching TV at my house. It was strangely quiet at the usually populated park, especially during winter; when all the kids in the neighborhood wanted to play in the snow. The wind picked up, blowing my hair into my face. I looked up, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. The bare trees planted around the sidewalk leaned slightly by the wind. It blew stronger, spraying the thin powdery snow up. I shivered, and shoved my hands in my jacket pocket. I looked up, to see dark storm clouds in the sky.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“ My phone vibrated in my pocket, making me jump. I pulled it out, and looked at the little screen. It was my house number. I opened the phone, and pressed against my ear.”)

Content & Development

The content and development seen within the story are very effective. The narrative provides a thoroughly detailed, developed plot and setting with complex characters. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, and a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is very effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“I walked forward, shuffling my feet. I kicked my heel against the concrete and watched a cloud of dirt raise up next to my feet. I was walking by the park in my neighborhood, bored of playing video games and watching TV at my house. It was strangely quiet at the usually populated park, especially during winter; when all the kids in the neighborhood wanted to play in the snow. The wind picked up, blowing my hair into my face. I looked up, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. The bare trees planted around the sidewalk leaned slightly by the wind. It blew stronger, spraying the thin powdery snow up. I shivered, and shoved my hands in my jacket pocket. I looked up, to see dark storm clouds in the sky.”)

Very effective sensory detail develops the characters. (“My parents looked nothing like me. My mom was short, with blond hair, and wide blue eyes. My dad also had blond hair, with dark brown eyes. My sister and I both had dark hair, and we used to joke about how we were not really our parents’ kids, and how the doctors had gotten it mixed up in the hospital. I was tall, with pale skin, and dark green eyes. Isabella had long curly hair, and hazel eyes.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“‘Hello?’ ‘Jordan?’ My mom's frantic voice said. ‘Are you okay?’ …’Yes,’ I said, confused. ‘Why wouldn't I be?’ ‘There is a storm coming. We saw it on the news, and Isabelle said you went for a walk.’ ‘I'm fine.’ … ‘Okay, well come home, dinner will be ready soon.’ My mom said, then hung up. I pushed the phone back into my pocket, and started walking towards my house.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“‘Okay, a lot of snow. So, let's have fun with it!’ He stood up and crossed the room to the radio on the counter by the sink. He turned on a CD of Christmas music, even though it was the middle of January. Isabelle laughed, and hopped off her chair. She ran over and my dad picked her up and swung her around. She squealed, and my dad started dancing with her. He closed his eyes, and his head swayed back and forth. Isabelle laughed, and I had to join in. My mom went to go dance along. I stared at the three, laughing.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is displayed in this story. The writer captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation, or phrase from a character, a flashback, or foreshadowing. (“ I walked forward, shuffling my feet. I kicked my heel against the concrete and watched a cloud of dirt raise up next to my feet. I was walking by the park in my neighborhood, bored of playing video games and watching TV at my house. It was strangely quiet at the usually populated park, especially during winter; when all the kids in the neighborhood wanted to play in the snow. The wind picked up, blowing my hair into my face. I looked up, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. The bare trees planted around the sidewalk leaned slightly by the wind. It blew stronger, spraying the thin powdery snow up. I shivered, and shoved my hands in my jacket pocket. I looked up, to see dark storm clouds in the sky.”)

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“I walked forward, shuffling my feet. I kicked my heel against the concrete and watched a cloud of dirt raise up next to my feet. I was walking by the park in my neighborhood, bored of playing video games and watching TV at my house. It was strangely quiet at the usually populated park, especially during winter; when all the kids in the neighborhood wanted to play in the snow. The wind picked up, blowing my hair into my face. I looked up, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. The bare trees planted around the sidewalk leaned slightly by the wind. It blew stronger, spraying the thin powdery snow up. I shivered, and shoved my hands in my jacket pocket. I looked up, to see dark storm clouds in the sky.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“After a few minutes, I stepped up to my front door, and turned the handle. It locked, so I pounded on the door. My eyes traced the patterns in the wood as I waited. The door opened a crack, showing my little sister, Isabelle. She opened it wider, seeing it was me.”)

The ending includes very effective details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“I sat on the window seal, watching the snow fall, just as hard as before. The snow level looked way too close from the second floor, and it scared me. The tops of the trees could be seen, barely twigs above the white blanket. I turned away from the window and layed down on my bed. I closed my eyes, and tried to relax, but the wind screamed against the windows. Eventually, the wind quieted, and I fell asleep, hoping the snow would eventually stop, and tomorrow would be better.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are demonstrated within the narrative. The piece shows precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; additionally, the writer uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The following two paragraphs are aligned well through the use of descriptive language and tone. (“ After a few minutes, I stepped up to my front door, and turned the handle. It locked, so I pounded on the door. My eyes traced the patterns in the wood as I waited. The door opened a crack, showing my little sister, Isabelle. She opened it wider, seeing it was me. …I stepped in the house, closing the door behind me. Isabelle watched as I took off my jacket and shoes, throwing them on the wood near the door. I followed the sound of the TV, coming from the living room. My parents were sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with wide eyes. They looked up when I stepped inside, followed by Isabelle.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the introductory paragraph and the paragraphs that follow are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ I walked forward, shuffling my feet. I kicked my heel against the concrete and watched a cloud of dirt raise up next to my feet. I was walking by the park in my neighborhood, bored of playing video games and watching TV at my house. It was strangely quiet at the usually populated park, especially during winter; when all the kids in the neighborhood wanted to play in the snow. The wind picked up, blowing my hair into my face. I looked up, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. The bare trees planted around the sidewalk leaned slightly by the wind. It blew stronger, spraying the thin powdery snow up. I shivered, and shoved my hands in my jacket pocket. I looked up, to see dark storm clouds in the sky. …I sat down on the arm chair, and watched the local weather forecast. It called for a blizzard, with lots of snow, and raging wind. I raised my eyebrows. 'Raging wind and snow'? It was not even that cold outside, let alone a blizzard. I looked toward the window, and gasped. Snow was coming down in sheets, and the snow-covered trees outside were bending dangerously over. The wind whistled against the windows again, and Isabelle whimpered.”)

The compound sentence, “ Snow was coming down in sheets, and the snow-covered trees outside were bending dangerously over,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing is demonstrated. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ He walked into the kitchen and lifted up the lid on one of the pans on the stove. Steam rose up out of it, fogging up the screen on the microwave.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I looked outside throw the frosted window and started to get worried. My friend McKay was franticly searching for the weather forecast over the radio. The frigid winter storm was starting to get to my cousins head. He was starting to shake, not because he was cold but because he was beginning to get scared that we were going to be forced to stay here in the truck until the storm paced and who knew how long that would take. I resumed my expression to the enormous amount of rain that was dumping on our truck like the heavens were throwing oceans out onto the earth.

McKay found the weather station and was pressing his ear firmly against the speakers to hear more clearly. The voices were all bleared together but I heard a few key important things while listening.

".....terrible winter storm moving in across the Wasatch Mountains......heavy snow.....5 to......feet in mountains.....get to safety quick.....winter weather watch .." The radio died and the truck stalled and quit.

"You have got to be kidding me right now!" McKay blurted out.

He throw open his driver side door with a tremendous force, only to let the rapped wind push the door as far back on its hinges as possible. The wind came rushing in the truck and my hair went flying around my face. The windshield was fogged up so I rubbed my sleeve over it to find out where McKay had gone. The hood of the truck was flipped open and I could see him fumbling around. He made a mad dash to get into the truck. He hopped into the driver's seat and shut the door. He breathed in and out heavily with one of the most angry expressions I have every seen.

"The battery has one hundred present died. So that means we will not be able to get out of here and we will not be able to get any heat out of the truck while we sit here and wait for help to arrive."

"So basically we are stranded here to be left for death?" My cousin said with a terrified expression.

"No! So I am going for help!" McKay yelled with a tremendous force that made the truck rattle a slight bit. With that he grabbed his winter jacket that was tucked under the seat and was out of the truck before any of us could abject with his brainless decision. It was going to be nearly impossible for him to get any sort of help, considering that we were around 10 miles away from the nearest house, but I couldn't let him wander around in the freezing cold without someone.

"Let's go!" I said while zipping up my jacket. I ran up to McKay's side to let him know that we were coming whether he liked it or not. None of us talked. We were all to cold to move our lips. We just kept walking while the heavy sheets of rain turned into immense snowflakes. It seemed that we had walked for an hour when we heard a sudden rumbling sound. We stopped our walking with a screeching halt. We turned around to find a Polaris four-wheeler coming to our side.

"You young kids better get on so we can get you down to the station before you three freeze. I saw your truck back there about a mile and a half back there and figured you kids would never make it in this ghastly winter weather." said the figure on the four-wheeler. So we did as the old man had said and hopped on the Polaris with no hesitation. Before I knew it we were at the City Hall Station waiting for the diesel to haul back our truck.

I have never liked being stuck in the mountains. I have never liked being in the cold. I have never liked not knowing what to do or where to go. So with all three of those combined, I think that will be my last little excursion into the mountains with below freezing temperatures.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are apparent within this story. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant to the story.

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed well. (“‘No! So I am going for help!’ McKay yelled with a tremendous force that made the truck rattle a slight bit. With that he grabbed his winter jacket that was tucked under the seat and was out of the truck before any of us could abject with his brainless decision. It was going to be nearly impossible for him to get any sort of help, considering that we were around 10 miles away from the nearest house, but I couldn't let him wander around in the freezing cold without someone.”)

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is stated effectively. (“I looked outside throw the frosted window and started to get worried. My friend McKay was franticly searching for the weather forecast over the radio. The frigid winter storm was starting to get to my cousins head. He was starting to shake, not because he was cold but because he was beginning to get scared that we were going to be forced to stay here in the truck until the storm paced and who knew how long that would take. I resumed my expression to the enormous amount of rain that was dumping on our truck like the heavens were throwing oceans out onto the earth.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“He throw open his driver side door with a tremendous force, only to let the rapped wind push the door as far back on its hinges as possible. The wind came rushing in the truck and my hair went flying around my face. The windshield was fogged up so I rubbed my sleeve over it to find out where McKay had gone. The hood of the truck was flipped open and I could see him fumbling around. He made a mad dash to get into the truck. He hopped into the driver's seat and shut the door. He breathed in and out heavily with one of the most angry expressions I have every seen.”)

Content & Development

This story demonstrates good content and development with a well-developed plot and setting and believable characters. The writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“‘Let’s go!’ I said while zipping up my jacket. I ran up to McKay's side to let him know that we were coming whether he liked it or not. None of us talked. We were all to cold to move our lips. We just kept walking while the heavy sheets of rain turned into immense snowflakes. It seemed that we had walked for an hour when we heard a sudden rumbling sound. We stopped our walking with a screeching halt. We turned around to find a Polaris four-wheeler coming to our side.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“‘.....terrible winter storm moving in across the Wasatch Mountains......heavy snow.....5 to......feet in mountains.....get to safety quick.....winter weather watch ..’ The radio died and the truck stalled and quit. …‘You have got to be kidding me right now!’ McKay blurted out.”)

The outcome/resolution is effectively described. (“‘You young kids better get on so we can get you down to the station before you three freeze. I saw your truck back there about a mile and a half back there and figured you kids would never make it in this ghastly winter weather.’ said the figure on the four-wheeler. So we did as the old man had said and hopped on the Polaris with no hesitation. Before I knew it we were at the City Hall Station waiting for the diesel to haul back our truck. …I have never liked being stuck in the mountains. I have never liked being in the cold. I have never liked not knowing what to do or where to go. So with all three of those combined, I think that will be my last little excursion into the mountains with below freezing temperatures.”)

Organization

Good organization is evident within this story. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ I looked outside throw the frosted window and started to get worried. My friend McKay was franticly searching for the weather forecast over the radio. The frigid winter storm was starting to get to my cousins head. He was starting to shake, not because he was cold but because he was beginning to get scared that we were going to be forced to stay here in the truck until the storm paced and who knew how long that would take. I resumed my expression to the enormous amount of rain that was dumping on our truck like the heavens were throwing oceans out onto the earth.”)

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ I looked outside throw the frosted window and started to get worried. My friend McKay was franticly searching for the weather forecast over the radio. The frigid winter storm was starting to get to my cousins head. He was starting to shake, not because he was cold but because he was beginning to get scared that we were going to be forced to stay here in the truck until the storm paced and who knew how long that would take. I resumed my expression to the enormous amount of rain that was dumping on our truck like the heavens were throwing oceans out onto the earth.”)

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“ I have never liked being stuck in the mountains. I have never liked being in the cold. I have never liked not knowing what to do or where to go. So with all three of those combined, I think that will be my last little excursion into the mountains with below freezing temperatures.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is conveyed within the narrative. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent in the use of imagery, such as similes and metaphors. (“ I resumed my expression to the enormous amount of rain that was dumping on our truck like the heavens were throwing oceans out onto the earth.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the final two paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ ‘You young kids better get on so we can get you down to the station before you three freeze. I saw your truck back there about a mile and a half back there and figured you kids would never make it in this ghastly winter weather.’ said the figure on the four-wheeler. So we did as the old man had said and hopped on the Polaris with no hesitation. Before I knew it we were at the City Hall Station waiting for the diesel to haul back our truck. …I have never liked being stuck in the mountains. I have never liked being in the cold. I have never liked not knowing what to do or where to go. So with all three of those combined, I think that will be my last little excursion into the mountains with below freezing temperatures.”)

The compound-complex sentence is used effectively. (“ It was going to be nearly impossible for him to get any sort of help, considering that we were around 10 miles away from the nearest house, but I couldn't let him wander around in the freezing cold without someone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control over the use of mechanics and conventions. There are f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; they do not interfere with the message . For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The hood of the truck was flipped open and I could see him fumbling around. He made a mad dash to get into the truck. He hopped into the driver's seat and shut the door.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

On September 27 of 2008 a winter storm hit in Ridgefield. This is my birthday so my friends Kyle and Matt were with me at an air show. We were all dressed in shorts and T-shirts the time because it was 90 degrees. We all watched as the blue angels made their magnificent turns and flips. At the end of their run clouds came over us and a chill ran down over all of our backs. We saw a big fat snowflake hit the ground. We look at each other confused. What in the world was a snowflake doing here in the middle of September.

My mom was suppose to pick us up at 3:30 at the end of the show. A couple more snowflakes fell but then the clouds blew over. Five minutes went past and big thunder heads came rolling over the sky. We all looked at each other with fear as snow started to fall in huge snowflakes. The snowflakes were as cold as ice and were the size of my finger tips. My mom called us and said, "find cover quick the weather forecaster said to stay put in a house other wise you will be frozen to death."

We all ran for our lives as the snow kept coming down.

We saw a big air base about a mile away. We all felt like helpless little ants with snow making it hard to moved because by now it was up to our ankles. It seemed that we were all going to freeze to our death. The snow was now piling up to our waist, we could barley walk now. Matt had a great idea, he said,"we should dig a snow cave and wait out the storm in it."

Kyle replied, "good thinking, we better start now or we will freeze to death."

I got such a jolt of energy from that moment I dug as if I was half dog. The snow cave was about five feet wide and twelve feet long in a tunnel form. We all climbed in and after about twenty minutes Kyle fell asleep.

Matt and I tried to wake him up, but he would not awake. Matt started to dip and bob his head and then he was out cold to. This is the most scared I have ever been in my entire life. After awhile my eyes started to get heavy and I felt tired. I kept telling myself to stay awake. I used snow to keep me awake by rubbing it on my face. I felt cold from rubbing the snow on my face so I stopped doing it. I said to myself I can close my eyes for a couple of minutes.

I woke up and I was in a bed next to Matt and Kyle. It turns out that a sergeant found our tracks and got us to the air base. He then used my cell phone to call my mom and dad to come when the roads were safe enough to drive on. I was the first to wake up because I was the warmest out of all of them. They woke up chilled after that. We all got back safe to our homes and the doctor said that we were very luck to survive and that we were very smart to dig the snow cave. Now we all will be more precautions of what we all do even in the spring.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story contains adequate focus and meaning. The narrative demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task; the essay provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The story states the main event adequately. (“On September 27 of 2008 a winter storm hit in Ridgefield. This is my birthday so my friends Kyle and Matt were with me at an air show. We were all dressed in shorts and T-shirts the time because it was 90 degrees. We all watched as the blue angels made their magnificent turns and flips. At the end of their run clouds came over us and a chill ran down over all of our backs. We saw a big fat snowflake hit the ground. We look at each other confused. What in the world was a snowflake doing here in the middle of September.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“My mom was suppose to pick us up at 3:30 at the end of the show. A couple more snowflakes fell but then the clouds blew over. Five minutes went past and big thunder heads came rolling over the sky. We all looked at each other with fear as snow started to fall in huge snowflakes. The snowflakes were as cold as ice and were the size of my finger tips. My mom called us and said, ‘find cover quick the weather forecaster said to stay put in a house other wise you will be frozen to death.’”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are adequately developed. (“We saw a big air base about a mile away. We all felt like helpless little ants with snow making it hard to moved because by now it was up to our ankles. It seemed that we were all going to freeze to our death. The snow was now piling up to our waist, we could barley walk now. Matt had a great idea, he said, ‘we should dig a snow cave and wait out the storm in it.’”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are adequately developed. (“ A couple more snowflakes fell but then the clouds blew over. Five minutes went past and big thunder heads came rolling over the sky. We all looked at each other with fear as snow started to fall in huge snowflakes. The snowflakes were as cold as ice and were the size of my finger tips.”)

Content & Development

This story features adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The narrative establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is adequate sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“We saw a big air base about a mile away. We all felt like helpless little ants with snow making it hard to moved because by now it was up to our ankles. It seemed that we were all going to freeze to our death. The snow was now piling up to our waist, we could barley walk now. Matt had a great idea, he said, ‘we should dig a snow cave and wait out the storm in it.’”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“I got such a jolt of energy from that moment I dug as if I was half dog. The snow cave was about five feet wide and twelve feet long in a tunnel form. We all climbed in and after about twenty minutes Kyle fell asleep. …Matt and I tried to wake him up, but he would not awake. Matt started to dip and bob his head and then he was out cold to. This is the most scared I have ever been in my entire life. After awhile my eyes started to get heavy and I felt tired. I kept telling myself to stay awake. I used snow to keep me awake by rubbing it on my face. I felt cold from rubbing the snow on my face so I stopped doing it. I said to myself I can close my eyes for a couple of minutes.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s central conflict. (“We all ran for our lives as the snow kept coming down. …We saw a big air base about a mile away. We all felt like helpless little ants with snow making it hard to moved because by now it was up to our ankles. It seemed that we were all going to freeze to our death. The snow was now piling up to our waist, we could barley walk now. Matt had a great idea, he said, ‘we should dig a snow cave and wait out the storm in it.’”)

Likewise, details adequately describe the solution to the story. (“I woke up and I was in a bed next to Matt and Kyle. It turns out that a sergeant found our tracks and got us to the air base. He then used my cell phone to call my mom and dad to come when the roads were safe enough to drive on. I was the first to wake up because I was the warmest out of all of them. They woke up chilled after that. We all got back safe to our homes and the doctor said that we were very luck to survive and that we were very smart to dig the snow cave. Now we all will be more precautions of what we all do even in the spring.”)

Organization

This story contains adequate organization. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps the readers reading. The narrative generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the narrative includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ On September 27 of 2008 a winter storm hit in Ridgefield. This is my birthday so my friends Kyle and Matt were with me at an air show. We were all dressed in shorts and T-shirts the time because it was 90 degrees. We all watched as the blue angels made their magnificent turns and flips. At the end of their run clouds came over us and a chill ran down over all of our backs. We saw a big fat snowflake hit the ground. We look at each other confused. What in the world was a snowflake doing here in the middle of September.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ My mom was suppose to pick us up at 3:30 at the end of the show. A couple more snowflakes fell but then the clouds blew over. Five minutes went past and big thunder heads came rolling over the sky. We all looked at each other with fear as snow started to fall in huge snowflakes.”)

The ending states a lesson the writer learned from completing the story. (“ I woke up and I was in a bed next to Matt and Kyle. It turns out that a sergeant found our tracks and got us to the air base. He then used my cell phone to call my mom and dad to come when the roads were safe enough to drive on. I was the first to wake up because I was the warmest out of all of them. They woke up chilled after that. We all got back safe to our homes and the doctor said that we were very luck to survive and that we were very smart to dig the snow cave. Now we all will be more precautions of what we all do even in the spring.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are apparent in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice; the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ We saw a big air base about a mile away. We all felt like helpless little ants with snow making it hard to moved because by now it was up to our ankles. It seemed that we were all going to freeze to our death. The snow was now piling up to our waist, we could barley walk now.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “winter storm,” from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ On September 27 of 2008 a winter storm hit in Ridgefield, WA.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the word “precautions” is incorrectly used at the end of the story. (“ Now we all will be more precautions of what we all do even in the spring.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of standard, written English. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present, although, these errors do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ We saw a big air base about a mile away. We all felt like helpless little ants with snow making it hard to moved because by now it was up to our ankles. It seemed that we were all going to freeze to our death. The snow was now piling up to our waist, we could barley walk now.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

A door creeks open while I am sitting there watching TV, I ask "who is it"and he said Sean, oh OK come watch. We decided to the Incredible Hulk, "this is the best movie" ,said Sean ya it is it the best. Later in the movie I had to pause the movie and watch the news to see what the weather will be like for snowboarding and the news was talking about a huge snow storm heading are way. Sean called his mom and warned her, he asked if he could just stay at my house and she was OK with that.

As Sean and I were sitting there on the couch watching a movie waiting for the big storm to hit we kind of got sick of it just waiting. In the next hour the movie ended and the storm started, so we grabbed two shovel's and kept them inside by us while drinking hot chocolate. I asked Sean if he wanted to watch another movie, he said, "sure but what movie", Handcock said I. This movie is great but as we were watching it the power went out", that was not a good sign because it was dark we could not see anything but as we got along we found some matches, candles and lit them so we had some light the snow was already two feet deep, Sean and I were already getting scared of getting snowed in. The next thing we found was a flashlight so we decided to tell scary stories in the pitch black darkness, so freaked our selfs out and made it worse for us.

This was one of the funnest and scariest moments of our lives. Now the snow is about up to five feet deep and we know definitely we were getting snowed in because the news warned us to stay in are homes and don't come out cause your going to get snowed in. we stayed up all night and by sunset my house was covered in snow you could not see out the windows thats how deep it was, you could only see the roof thats how every bodies house was. Something hit me we brought the shoveles in from the side walk and we jumped for joy and put tons of warm snow clothes on and started digging tunnels in the snow and made kind of play ground we would just crawl aroud in the tunnels.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are conveyed through this narrative. The story demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task; the narrative provides description and details that may not be relevant.

The story states the main event. (“ Later in the movie I had to pause the movie and watch the news to see what the weather will be like for snowboarding and the news was talking about a huge snow storm heading are way.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated limitedly. (“A door creeks open while I am sitting there watching TV, I ask ‘who is it’and he said Sean, oh OK come watch. We decided to the Incredible Hulk, ‘this is the best movie’ ,said Sean ya it is it the best. Later in the movie I had to pause the movie and watch the news to see what the weather will be like for snowboarding and the news was talking about a huge snow storm heading are way. Sean called his mom and warned her, he asked if he could just stay at my house and she was OK with that.”)

The audience for the story is not always clear. (“ A door creeks open while I am sitting there watching TV, I ask ‘who is it’and he said Sean, oh OK come watch. We decided to the Incredible Hulk, ‘this is the best movie’ ,said Sean ya it is it the best.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“A door creeks open while I am sitting there watching TV, I ask ‘who is it’and he said Sean, oh OK come watch. We decided to the Incredible Hulk, ‘this is the best movie’,said Sean ya it is it the best. Later in the movie I had to pause the movie and watch the news to see what the weather will be like for snowboarding and the news was talking about a huge snow storm heading are way. Sean called his mom and warned her, he asked if he could just stay at my house and she was OK with that.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within the story are limited. The story provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters but lacks sufficient detail. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated, but it is not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“This was one of the funnest and scariest moments of our lives. Now the snow is about up to five feet deep and we know definitely we were getting snowed in because the news warned us to stay in are homes and don't come out cause your going to get snowed in. we stayed up all night and by sunset my house was covered in snow you could not see out the windows thats how deep it was, you could only see the roof thats how every bodies house was. Something hit me we brought the shoveles in from the side walk and we jumped for joy and put tons of warm snow clothes on and started digging tunnels in the snow and made kind of play ground we would just crawl aroud in the tunnels.”)

There is limited sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“This movie is great but as we were watching it the power went out’, that was not a good sign because it was dark we could not see anything but as we got along we found some matches, candles and lit them so we had some light the snow was already two feet deep, Sean and I were already getting scared of getting snowed in. The next thing we found was a flashlight so we decided to tell scary stories in the pitch black darkness, so freaked our selfs out and made it worse for us.”)

The plot is limited. (“This movie is great but as we were watching it the power went out’, that was not a good sign because it was dark we could not see anything but as we got along we found some matches, candles and lit them so we had some light the snow was already two feet deep, Sean and I were already getting scared of getting snowed in. The next thing we found was a flashlight so we decided to tell scary stories in the pitch black darkness, so freaked our selfs out and made it worse for us.”)

Organization

The story is characterized by limited organization. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, yet readers are provided with some sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ A door creeks open while I am sitting there watching TV, I ask ‘who is it’and he said Sean, oh OK come watch. We decided to the Incredible Hulk, ‘this is the best movie’ ,said Sean ya it is it the best. Later in the movie I had to pause the movie and watch the news to see what the weather will be like for snowboarding and the news was talking about a huge snow storm heading are way. Sean called his mom and warned her, he asked if he could just stay at my house and she was OK with that.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ In the next hour the movie ended and the storm started, so we grabbed two shovel's and kept them inside by us while drinking hot chocolate.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ This was one of the funnest and scariest moments of our lives. Now the snow is about up to five feet deep and we know definitely we were getting snowed in because the news warned us to stay in are homes and don't come out cause your going to get snowed in. we stayed up all night and by sunset my house was covered in snow you could not see out the windows thats how deep it was, you could only see the roof thats how every bodies house was. Something hit me we brought the shoveles in from the side walk and we jumped for joy and put tons of warm snow clothes on and started digging tunnels in the snow and made kind of play ground we would just crawl aroud in the tunnels.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style throughout this story is limited. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ This movie is great but as we were watching it the power went out’, that was not a good sign because it was dark we could not see anything but as we got along we found some matches, candles and lit them so we had some light the snow was already two feet deep, Sean and I were already getting scared of getting snowed in.”)

Exact words are missing, such as the word “watch” in the following sentence: (“ We decided to the Incredible Hulk, ‘this is the best movie’ ,said Sean ya it is it the best”).

The style is not formal. (“ The next thing we found was a flashlight so we decided to tell scary stories in the pitch black darkness, so freaked our selfs out and made it worse for us.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ we stayed up all night and by sunset my house was covered in snow you could not see out the windows thats how deep it was, you could only see the roof thats how every bodies house was.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

It all started when i woke up that gusty morning in Utah I got ready for school and spent half the day in school. Then around third period I noticed the weather started changing really fast and then after fouth period there was about 5 inches of snow on the ground.

all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened. theysaid that they went out to do some shopping and when they got back the one and only road to our house was blocked so they whent all up through the mountains to look fo another road and then they waited for the road to open and hen they got home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story in question shows minimal focus and meaning. The narrative demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task; the text provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“It all started when i woke up that gusty morning in Utah I got ready for school and spent half the day in school. Then around third period I noticed the weather started changing really fast and then after fouth period there was about 5 inches of snow on the ground.”)

Often, parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened. theysaid that they went out to do some shopping and when they got back the one and only road to our house was blocked so they whent all up through the mountains to look fo another road and then they waited for the road to open and hen they got home.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened. theysaid that they went out to do some shopping and when they got back the one and only road to our house was blocked so they whent all up through the mountains to look fo another road and then they waited for the road to open and hen they got home.”)

Content & Development

The narrative provides minimal content and development with a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detract from the story. Additionally, the narrative lacks the tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened. theysaid that they went out to do some shopping and when they got back the one and only road to our house was blocked so they whent all up through the mountains to look fo another road and then they waited for the road to open and hen they got home.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“It all started when i woke up that gusty morning in Utah I got ready for school and spent half the day in school. Then around third period I noticed the weather started changing really fast and then after fouth period there was about 5 inches of snow on the ground.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened. theysaid that they went out to do some shopping and when they got back the one and only road to our house was blocked so they whent all up through the mountains to look fo another road and then they waited for the road to open and hen they got home.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is seen in this story. The writer provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Also, little evidence of an ending is demonstrated.

The beginning includes only minimal background information about the event. (“ It all started when i woke up that gusty morning in Utah I got ready for school and spent half the day in school. Then around third period I noticed the weather started changing really fast and then after fouth period there was about 5 inches of snow on the ground.”)

Minimal transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened. theysaid that they went out to do some shopping and when they got back the one and only road to our house was blocked so they whent all up through the mountains to look fo another road and then they waited for the road to open and hen they got home.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened. theysaid that they went out to do some shopping and when they got back the one and only road to our house was blocked so they whent all up through the mountains to look fo another road and then they waited for the road to open and hen they got home.”)

Language Use & Style

The narrative conveys minimal use of language and style. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ It all started when i woke up that gusty morning in Utah I got ready for school and spent half the day in school. …all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened.”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home. to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened. theysaid that they went out to do some shopping and when they got back the one and only road to our house was blocked so they whent all up through the mountains to look fo another road and then they waited for the road to open and hen they got home.”)

The style is not formal. (“ to my suprise nobody was there so i chilled out and watched tv until my parents came home at three o'clock in the morning after everybody got some rest, my parents told me what had happened.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this story demonstrates minimal control over the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ all the busses were stopped and nobody could get in or out of the school most of us were trapped at the school but finnaly our bus made it to the school and an hour later we got to our houses and finallyafter i dug my door out i got inside my home.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus of this story is inadequate. This brief narrative demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task; it provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

The story does not state the main event. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are shown in this brief piece of writing. The narrative l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. This essay is more of an explanation of what the writer would do if caught in a snowstorm, rather than actually being a story about one.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is present in this story. The narrative may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. Furthermore, the story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

Events are not clearly in order. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

The story demonstrates no ending. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style within the story are inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do.”)

The sentences are short in length. (“ I would try to dig out.”)

Transitions are needed. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control over the mechanics and conventions of standard, written English is inadequate. Severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ If i were to get caught in a snow storm i would be so scared. I would freeze to death i wouldn't know what to do. I would try to dig out. It kept on getting stronger and stronger by the min and colder and colder to. I think I want some hot chocolate yum,”)

Changes in a Friendship

Friendships change and evolve over time. Some friendships can last a lifetime, while others may last only a few months. Think about a time when a friendship you had changed, evolved, or ended. Perhaps you or your friend moved, transferred to a different school, or became part of a different group of friends.

Write a narrative composition about a time a friendship of yours changed, evolved, or ended. Tell what happened and how you felt about it. Be sure to include details and examples for support.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Have you ever had a friendship that has grown so much that you consider your best friend a sibling? I know I have. It is such an amazing feeling when you know that you always have a best friend who supports you. A best friend is someone who should have your back, no matter what. They should also have at least a few things in common with you, for example, if you do the same sport or after school activity as them. You should share certain qualities with your best friend, for example, thinking the same way at the same time. My best friend's name is Haleyann, and I can swear we are the same person.

So, my inspiring story begins here. After my best friend and I sadly drifted away, I was extremely destined to find a new best friend. This was my goal. I thought nobody could even come close to comparing to my old best friend, Natalie. I was so wrong. Nevertheless, it all started about four long years ago, when I got a new vocal coach. Her name was Ms. Lisa, and she was in the Phantom of the Opera here in Las Vegas . My family went out to see a little, short show she was in called "God Lives in Glass." During the show, there was a musical number. I was about seven at the time, and there was this really little girl who looked about my age singing a solo. Being a singer, I was quite interested. The little girl had a pretty little voice. After the show, the whole cast came out, and we saw Ms. Lisa. After, I told her what a great job she had did. Then, I saw the girl who sang the solo. I kind of smiled at her, and she kind of smiled at me. We were basically giving each other smug grins. My mom said we had to leave, and then we went home.

The performing group auditions at my dance studio were coming up in a short week. Performing group is an exclusive, special group where you compete and perform in all different places, some out of state! So, after a long week of harsh preparation, it finally came. At the studio, for the audition, all my friends from my former dance group were so excited. However, nobody wanted a new member even though I did. I thought, anything for a new best friend! When we walked into the room, we got our numbers and got started. It was only until about the middle of the whole audition did I realized who was sitting in the room. Across the room, I saw Haleyann looking at me. I was really surprised to see her there at that audition. I thought she was only a singer, but apparently not. So there Haleyann was, looking at my friends and me in our short shorts and half tops, while she was sitting there in her black leotard and tights, hair in a tight bun.

As we did all the dance combinations the teachers taught us, all my friends were watching her. I recall some of my friends saying things like, "Are we going to have a new A2?", or "She is good enough." That was actually the truth. She really was as good as all of us. A truly gifted dancer was what she was. After the audition, I approached Haleyann. Thinking to myself about what I should say, I said something like, "Great job today! Were you in ‘God Lives in Glass?’” Haleyann said, “Thank you, and yes, I was." Then we said goodbye and went home. After about a week, the performing group lists came out. As I read down the list, it was the same old, the same old. As I got to the end of the list, I read one more name. It was Haleyann. There were going to be twelve A twos! However, I was more excited about me having a chance to achieve my goal of finding a new best friend. I would just have to wait and see!

At the first practice for dance, she was there. My dance group was all over her. Our group is, let's just say, very social. We are all tiny and short and full of energy. We are basically, well, THE A twos! So, when Haleyann came, everyone was ecstatic! Haleyann was very social as well. She was different than the girls at my school. She acted crazy like us. We simply loved that about her. However, before I really got to know her, the best thing about Haleyann was that she was so weirdly nice. Of course, I know her better now, and there are many things I like about her, but back then it was rare. She had the most positive and polite attitude anyone could ever meet. I could tell we were going to be really good friends.

I'm not sure how our friendship has grown to be the way it is today. All I know is that Haleyann is the best friend I have ever had. It is really weird, but Haleyann and I have like best friend telepathy. We think so alike, that whenever I or she says something, the other person says, "I was just about to say that!" I love it! However, our friendship has really grown and changed since I first met her. We used to be so uncomfortable around each other, and now we are practically siblings! She is the most trustworthy and caring friend I have ever had. If I want to say something, even if she doesn't want to listen, she always does, and vice versa. Over four long years, I did achieve my goal of finding a new best friend! I love Haleyann because she is my best friend, and has partly made me who I am today! So, again, have you ever had a best friend like a sibling? If not, you should find one, because they will make your life so much more wonderful!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It also exhibits a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Furthermore, the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. Primarily, all of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“ So, my inspiring story begins here. After my best friend and I sadly drifted away, I was extremely destined to find a new best friend. This was my goal. I thought nobody could even come close to comparing to my old best friend, Natalie. ”) In the beginning, the supporting events are well stated. (“ I was so wrong. Nevertheless, it all started about four long years ago, when I got a new vocal coach. Her name was Ms. Lisa, and she was in the Phantom of the Opera here in Las Vegas . ”) The audience is thoroughly understood. (“ The performing group auditions at my dance studio were coming up in a short week. Performing group is an exclusive, special group where you compete and perform in all different places, some out of state! So, after a long week of harsh preparation, it finally came. ”)

Content & Development

The story exhibits very effective content and development. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting, and the writer creates complex characters. Also, the story clearly establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Specifically, detail is used to develop the main events very effectively. (“At the first practice for dance, she was there. My dance group was all over her. Our group is, let's just say, very social. We are all tiny and short and full of energy. We are basically, well, THE A twos! So, when Haleyann came, everyone was ecstatic!”) Dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. (“I recall some of my friends saying things like, ‘Are we going to have a new A2?’, or ‘She is good enough.’ That was actually the truth. She really was as good as all of us.”) The characters are developed using very effective detail. (“I was really surprised to see her there at that audition. I thought she was only a singer, but apparently not. So there Haleyann was, looking at my friends and me in our short shorts and half tops, while she was sitting there in her black leotard and tights, hair in a tight bun. ”)

Organization

The story demonstrates very effective organization. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing a clever opening. Also, the writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together. In particular, the mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words. (“ Nevertheless, it all started about four long years ago, when I got a new vocal coach. Her name was Ms. Lisa, and she was in the Phantom of the Opera here in Las Vegas . My family went out to see a little, short show she was in called ‘God Lives in Glass.’ During the show, there was a musical number. ”) Events are clearly in order. (“ The performing group auditions at my dance studio were coming up in a short week. Performing group is an exclusive, special group where you compete and perform in all different places, some out of state! So, after a long week of harsh preparation, it finally came. . . . At the first practice for dance, she was there. My dance group was all over her. ”) The ending very effectively includes details about the story’s resolution. (“ She is the most trustworthy and caring friend I have ever had. . . . Over four long years, I did achieve my goal of finding a new best friend! I love Haleyann because she is my best friend, and has partly made me who I am today! ”)

Language Use & Style

The story exhibits very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured and varied sentences. In particular, paragraphs are aligned well with each other in terms of language and tone. (“ At the first practice for dance, she was there. My dance group was all over her. Our group is, let's just say, very social. . . . I'm not sure how our friendship has grown to be the way it is today. All I know is that Haleyann is the best friend I have ever had. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the focus of the story. (“ As we did all the dance combinations the teachers taught us, all my friends were watching her. I recall some of my friends saying things like, ‘Are we going to have a new A2?’, or ‘She is good enough.’ That was actually the truth. She really was as good as all of us. A truly gifted dancer was what she was. ”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ We used to be so uncomfortable around each other, and now we are practically siblings! ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and paragraphs are distinguished by a line break. (“ During the show, there was a musical number. I was about seven at the time, and there was this really little girl who looked about my age singing a solo. Being a singer, I was quite interested. The little girl had a pretty little voice. After the show, the whole cast came out, and we saw Ms. Lisa. After, I told her what a great job she had did. Then, I saw the girl who sang the solo. I kind of smiled at her, and she kind of smiled at me. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Hailey is a fun, silly, and a good friend who is always there. She has the imagination of a five year old even though she is thirteen. She could make me laugh when I am down and make me laugh until I cry. All of her jokes, and her personality could make anyone even a person with no sense of humor laugh. With her random thoughts, her funny actions and her goofy personality could make me laugh until I cry! I could also trust her with anything. Anybody would like Hailey as a person and a friend.

Together we have crazy adventures. One time when we were watching Finding Nemo at an outside movie in our neighborhood we wanted to shake things up! So we decided to scream something funny at a sad or quiet moment. I was about to give the signal when we would scream, but it started to rain! There was lightning, rain and thunder! We also missed the moment. So we decided to leave. Before we could leave we had something to take care of. Hailey, my brother Jared, Hailey's sister Erica and I still had to scream before we leave. "Five" I started "four, three, two, and GO!" One I said go we all screamed "LEMONS," but, it sounded more like "lemons..." People started to look at us like we were crazy. Then we ran all from the park to my house.

Hailey and I have been friends before I came to this school! I met her when I was two and my brother was about to be born. She is my neighbor and best friend. The only problem is that she goes to a different school, we have different breaks and she gets out of school before I do but, we still have weekends. On weekends we can do a bunch of awesome stuff! Right now we are working on show. We can do anything we set our mind to. Sometimes we even play soccer, tennis, bike riding, and tent ball (a mix of all of those sports plus a tent). When we are together we always have a blast!

One thing that we will always do is spend Christmas at her house. It is something that we have done every year. We usually give each other gifts and play games. I have done this with her family before I could even remember. Another tradition is that we have during Easter is that we would go to the park across the street from our house. This is another thing we have done forever. Now we have an Easter party to go to. Hailey and I will also go to the park on Thanksgiving and walk our dogs and tell each other what we are thankful for. Those were some our traditions that we still and will continue to do.

Hailey is the best friend I have ever had. Our friendship is going to change soon though. She is in eighth grade and will go to high school before I do. That will make it harder to keep a friendship with her going to high school because she will be busy going school. Her high school will be farther away and it has a different school year than her old one and, mine. Her new school will be Smithville High School when I will still be here then go to Bishop Smith. Hopefully we can stay in contact and see each other around the block and on the weekends. Hailey and I would hopefully get into the same college and, stay friends. Our friendship will hopefully evolve more and more when we get older.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Also, the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The main event is stated well. (“With her random thoughts, her funny actions and her goofy personality could make me laugh until I cry! I could also trust her with anything. Anybody would like Hailey as a person and a friend.”) In the beginning, the supporting events are well stated. (“Together we have crazy adventures. One time when we were watching Finding Nemo at an outside movie in our neighborhood we wanted to shake things up! So we decided to scream something funny at a sad or quiet moment.”) The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Hailey and I have been friends before I came to this school! I met her when I was two and my brother was about to be born. She is my neighbor and best friend.”)

Content & Development

The story exhibits good content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The writer also establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. In particular, the characters are developed in effective detail. (“Hailey is a fun, silly, and a good friend who is always there. She has the imagination of a five year old even though she is thirteen. She could make me laugh when I am down and make me laugh until I cry. All of her jokes, and her personality could make anyone even a person with no sense of humor laugh.”) The plot is effectively developed. (“One thing that we will always do is spend Christmas at her house. It is something that we have done every year. We usually give each other gifts and play games. I have done this with her family before I could even remember.”) Details effectively describe the story’s solution. (“Hopefully we can stay in contact and see each other around the block and on the weekends. Hailey and I would hopefully get into the same college and, stay friends. Our friendship will hopefully evolve more and more when we get older.”)

Organization

This story demonstrates good organization. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The text flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness. Specifically, the beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab readers’ attention by including an interesting fact. (“ Hailey is a fun, silly, and a good friend who is always there. She has the imagination of a five year old even though she is thirteen. She could make me laugh when I am down and make me laugh until I cry.”) The beginning includes effective background information about the event. (“ With her random thoughts, her funny actions and her goofy personality could make me laugh until I cry! I could also trust her with anything. Anybody would like Hailey as a person and a friend.”) The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and the main character’s feelings. (“ Hopefully we can stay in contact and see each other around the block and on the weekends. Hailey and I would hopefully get into the same college and, stay friends. Our friendship will hopefully evolve more and more when we get older.”)

Language Use & Style

This story demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety . The language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ One thing that we will always do is spend Christmas at her house. It is something that we have done every year. We usually give each other gifts and play games.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ Hailey is the best friend I have ever had. Our friendship is going to change soon though. She is in eighth grade and will go to high school before I do. That will make it harder to keep a friendship with her going to high school because she will be busy going school.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ I was about to give the signal when we would scream, but it started to rain!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message. Sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Together we have crazy adventures. One time when we were watching Finding Nemo at an outside movie in our neighborhood we wanted to shake things up! So we decided to scream something funny at a sad or quiet moment. I was about to give the signal when we would scream, but it started to rain! There was lightning, rain and thunder! We also missed the moment.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I had many friends in my life of thirteen years. Some friends have moved to different cities, different states, and even different countries. Some are still with me today but one of my best friends was by the name of Josiah. I had first come into Smithville Magnet School in the third grade.

I really didn't know anybody until a kid named Josiah said these few words, come sit with us at lunch. We had plenty of conversations from school to sports to even girls. We would sometimes go out to play basketball, baseball, soccer, and even football. He introduced me to some more people that are now some of my closest friends, by the names of David, Adam, and Olanre.

Then I started to get known to everyone around the school and this was in the fourth grade. Most eighth graders knew me, most seventh graders knew me, most sixth graders knew me most fifth graders knew me all the fourth graders knew me. So this is when everything went in a 180 degree spin around and I couldn't talk to my old friends a lot. I had a lot of friends but things didn't feel right.

So I invited all of my own friends to my house and they came. We went to laser tag and we went to a miniature golfing arena. Everything was so fun until we came back home, and Josiah told me the horrible news. He had told me that he was going to a different school. I really thought that wasn't that bad because he would still be in Chicago . Then he told me the worst news and it was that he was going to move to St. Louis Missouri .

I was so furious and I felt like a lion getting ready to fight its tamer for making him angry. I was very upset but then in the end I knew I couldn't do anything about it. So I stayed calm about the whole situation but in the inside I was hurt. Friendships can change just like that, you just have to know what to do when the situation that I have gone through occurs, at the same time this is a positive experience because I have gone through this experience before and I know now that friends will always come and when one goes, 99 percent of the time another shall come along.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer also provides description and details that are relevant to the story. The main event of the story is adequately stated. (“ I had many friends in my life of thirteen years. Some friends have moved to different cities, different states, and even different countries. Some are still with me today but one of my best friends was by the name of Josiah.”) The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“ I really didn't know anybody until a kid named Josiah said these few words, come sit with us at lunch. We had plenty of conversations from school to sports to even girls. We would sometimes go out to play basketball, baseball, soccer, and even football.”) Details focus on the main event. (“ So this is when everything went in a 180 degree spin around and I couldn't talk to my old friends a lot. I had a lot of friends but things didn't feel right.”)

Content & Development

The story exhibits adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot, setting, and believable characters. The writer also establishes a problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Specifically, adequate detail is used to develop the main events. (“ We would sometimes go out to play basketball, baseball, soccer, and even football. He introduced me to some more people that are now some of my closest friends, by the names of David, Adam, and Olanre.”) There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“ I really didn't know anybody until a kid named Josiah said these few words, come sit with us at lunch. We had plenty of conversations from school to sports to even girls.”) Details adequately describe the story’s conclusion. (“ I was so furious and I felt like a lion getting ready to fight its tamer for making him angry. I was very upset but then in the end I knew I couldn't do anything about it. So I stayed calm about the whole situation but in the inside I was hurt.”)

Organization

The story demonstrates adequate organization. The writer provides an interesting opening that holds the readers’ attention. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The beginning includes adequate background information about the event. (“ I had many friends in my life of thirteen years. Some friends have moved to different cities, different states, and even different countries. Some are still with me today but one of my best friends was by the name of Josiah.”) Events are clearly in order. (“ So I invited all of my own friends to my house and they came. We went to laser tag and we went to a miniature golfing arena. Everything was so fun until we came back home, and Josiah told me the horrible news.”) The story includes an adequate ending. (“ I was very upset but then in the end I knew I couldn't do anything about it. So I stayed calm about the whole situation but in the inside I was hurt. Friendships can change just like that. . . . ”)

Language Use & Style

The story exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ We had plenty of conversations from school to sports to even girls. We would sometimes go out to play basketball, baseball, soccer, and even football.”) Exact and specific words from the prompt task are used adequately. (“ I had many friends in my life of thirteen years. Some friends have moved to different cities, different states, and even different countries. Some are still with me today but one of my best friends was by the name of Josiah.”) However, word choices and sentence structure are sometimes poor and incorrect. (“ Friendships can change just like that, you just have to know what to do when the situation that I have gone through occurs, at the same time this is a positive experience because I have gone through this experience before and I know now that friends will always come and when one goes, 99 percent of the time another shall come along.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ We went to laser tag and we went to a miniature golfing arena. Everything was so fun until we came back home, and Josiah told me the horrible news. He had told me that he was going to a different school. I really thought that wasn't that bad because he would still be in Chicago .”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Bye, Ashlee! Me and Ashlee were very good friends up until about a couple months ago. She had changed ever since she had been hanging with some older kids. They were the popular kids, they had the most appealing clothes, had the newest phones, and everybody admired them, and wanted to be just like them. The group of kids called themselves "The fresh kidz."If you were in the fresh kidz group you were popular and cool. Ashlee had decided to leave me behind and join "The fresh Kidz" group. I wasn't up for being in a group were all they care about was how they looked, I mean looking good isn't a crime but it's not the most important thing in life.

Ashlee and I had been great friends ever since kindergarten and thought that we would be friends to the end. Yet she had other plans, she thought that being cool and popular was more important then our friendship. So we decide to go our separate ways, she went to go be in "The fresh kidz" crew and I went to my other friends and stayed true to them.

The fresh kids were up to know good they had been picking on people and were doing disrespectful things to people and their school. I always knew the kids were no good that's why i didnt join there group. You can be cool and dress nice without being in a group, you don't need a group of kids to tell or show you what looking good is or what popular is, you can because you think you can. meaning that if you believe you can you can do or look how ever you want.

Ashlee didn't want to be in the group anymore so i alowed her to come hang with me and my friends. She wasn't considered a best friend but she was a friend that i could hang out with. Me and Ashlle friendship changed alot, we hardly talked and we weren't as close to eachother as we were before

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Also, the writer provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. Specifically, in the beginning, the supporting events in the story are limited. (“ The group of kids called themselves ‘The fresh kidz.’If you were in the fresh kidz group you were popular and cool. Ashlee had decided to leave me behind and join ‘The fresh Kidz’ group. I wasn't up for being in a group were all they care about was how they looked, I mean looking good isn't a crime but it's not the most important thing in life. ”) Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“ Ashlee and I had been great friends ever since kindergarten and thought that we would be friends to the end. Yet she had other plans, she thought that being cool and popular was more important then our friendship. ”) The audience for the story is not always clear. (“ I always knew the kids were no good that's why i didnt join there group. ”)

Content & Development

The story demonstrates limited content and development. A dequately developed plot, setting, and characters may be provided, but the composition lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension or a problem may be stated, but it is not developed. In particular, limited detail is used to develop the main events. (“The fresh kids were up to know good they had been picking on people and were doing disrespectful things to people and their school. I always knew the kids were no good that's why i didnt join there group.”) The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“Ashlee didn't want to be in the group anymore so i alowed her to come hang with me and my friends. She wasn't considered a best friend but she was a friend that i could hang out with.”) There is limited development about what happened before the event. (“Ashlee and I had been great friends ever since kindergarten and thought that we would be friends to the end. Yet she had other plans, she thought that being cool and popular was more important then our friendship.”)

Organization

The story demonstrates limited organization. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story is broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions are weak. The story may or may not provide its readers with some sense of closure. In particular, the beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ Bye, Ashlee! Me and Ashlee were very good friends up until about a couple months ago. She had changed ever since she had been hanging with some older kids. They were the popular kids, they had the most appealing clothes, had the newest phones, and everybody admired them, and wanted to be just like them.”) Events are sometimes not clearly in order. (“ Yet she had other plans, she thought that being cool and popular was more important then our friendship. So we decide to go our separate ways, she went to go be in ‘The fresh kidz’ crew and I went to my other friends and stayed true to them.”) The story demonstrates a limited ending. (“ She wasn't considered a best friend but she was a friend that i could hang out with. Me and Ashlle friendship changed alot, we hardly talked and we weren't as close to eachother as we were before[.]”)

Language Use & Style

The story exhibits limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety. There are run-on portions in the story. (“ I always knew the kids were no good that's why i didnt join there group. You can be cool and dress nice without being in a group, you don't need a group of kids to tell or show you what looking good is or what popular is, you can because you think you can. meaning that if you believe you can you can do or look how ever you want.”) Exact words are missing. (“ She wasn't considered a best friend but she was a friend that i could hang out with. Me and Ashlle friendship changed alot, we hardly talked and we weren't as close to eachother as we were before[.]”) The style is repetitious. (“ Ashlee and I had been great friends ever since kindergarten and thought that we would be friends to the end. Yet she had other plans, she thought that being cool and popular was more important then our friendship.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“The fresh kids were up to know good they had been picking on people and were doing disrespectful things to people and their school. I always knew the kids were no good that's why i didnt join there group. You can be cool and dress nice without being in a group, you don't need a group of kids to tell or show you what looking good is or what popular is, you can because you think you can. meaning that if you believe you can you can do or look how ever you want.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

My, friend Daniel and I went to the park on a summer break and we played football with other kids they picked him to be on an other team and I was on another team too.it all went good until he ran the ball and hit me right in the stomach, But I thought it was on purpose so than I ran home and I felt sick.

Later the next month I've seen him but I never talked to him. Because I was still mad at him for hitting me in my stomach, But later the next day he told me that he was sorry and told me it was an accident and an I told him it was okay and then he asked me if I was still his friend an I told him yes then we became friends and played at the park.

The, next day he came with bad news. He told me he was going to move in to weeks and I told him we will play until he moves, but it was to late the two weeks had passed and I told him I will see him and he was my best friend.

later I moved closed to him and I saw him and it felt like the day we met started over again

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer may also provide description and details that may stray from the point of the story. The writer only minimally states the main event. (“The, next day he came with bad news. He told me he was going to move in to weeks and I told him we will play until he moves, but it was to late the two weeks had passed and I told him I will see him and he was my best friend.”) In the beginning, supporting events in the story are only minimally stated. (“My, friend Daniel and I went to the park on a summer break and we played football with other kids they picked him to be on an other team and I was on another team too.it all went good until he ran the ball and hit me right in the stomach, But I thought it was on purpose so than I ran home and I felt sick.”) The audience is often unclear. (“later I moved closed to him and I saw him and it felt like the day we met started over again[.]”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include information or details that detract from the story. The composition lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting, and no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events. (“The, next day he came with bad news. He told me he was going to move in to weeks and I told him we will play until he moves, but it was to late the two weeks had passed and I told him I will see him and he was my best friend.”) There is little important information about what happened before the event. (“Later the next month I've seen him but I never talked to him. Because I was still mad at him for hitting me in my stomach, But later the next day he told me that he was sorry and told me it was an accident. . . .”) The plot is only minimally developed. (“The, next day he came with bad news. He told me he was going to move in to weeks and I told him we will play until he moves, but it was to late the two weeks had passed and I told him I will see him and he was my best friend.”)

Organization

The story exhibits minimal organization. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The narrative demonstrates little evidence of an ending. Specifically, the story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ My, friend Daniel and I went to the park on a summer break and we played football with other kids they picked him to be on an other team and I was on another team too.”) Events are often not clearly in order. (“ The, next day he came with bad news. He told me he was going to move in to weeks and I told him we will play until he moves, but it was to late the two weeks had passed and I told him I will see him and he was my best friend.”) The story includes only a minimal ending. (“ later I moved closed to him and I saw him and it felt like the day we met started over again[.]”)

Language Use & Style

The story demonstrates minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; also, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. For example, the lengths of the sentences are short. (“ The, next day he came with bad news.”) Exact words are missing. (“ Later the next month I've seen him but I never talked to him. Because I was still mad at him for hitting me in my stomach, But later the next day he told me that he was sorry and told me it was an accident and an I told him it was okay and then he asked me if I was still his friend an I told him yes then we became friends and played at the park.”) Additionally, the style is not formal. (“ later I moved closed to him and I saw him and it felt like the day we met started over again[.]”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Later the next month I've seen him but I never talked to him. Because I was still mad at him for hitting me in my stomach, But later the next day he told me that he was sorry and told me it was an accident and an I told him it was okay and then he asked me if I was still his friend an I told him yes then we became friends and played at the park.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

my freinship was with matthew. he first time i saw him was in fith grade at smith intermediate i eas new to that school. so when i saw him i thought ''i'm not going to be friends with him this year at school he looks crazy and weird!!!!And every time i he looked at me i wanted to say"what you looking at freak!!!!!! And stick him right on the face as hard as i could. But then one day i brought hot cheetoes to school and he stold my hot cheetoes i got mad so i told my teacher mr.Green that some kid from ms.Blairs class stold my hot cheetoes and it was matthew

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates inadequate or no focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the plot. The story does not clearly state the main event or supporting events, and the audience for the story is unclear. (“my freinship was with matthew. he first time i saw him was in fith grade at smith intermediate i eas new to that school. so when i saw him i thought ''i'm not going to be friends with him this year at school he looks crazy and weird!!!!And every time i he looked at me i wanted to say"what you looking at freak!!!!!! And stick him right on the face as hard as i could. But then one day i brought hot cheetoes to school and he stold my hot cheetoes i got mad so i told my teacher mr.Green that some kid from ms.Blairs class stold my hot cheetoes and it was matthew[.]”)

Content & Development

This story demonstrates inadequate or no content and development. The story lacks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed, and lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. Setting and characters are not developed in detail, and dialogue is minimally developed. (“my freinship was with matthew. he first time i saw him was in fith grade at smith intermediate i eas new to that school. so when i saw him i thought ''i'm not going to be friends with him this year at school he looks crazy and weird!!!!And every time i he looked at me i wanted to say"what you looking at freak!!!!!! And stick him right on the face as hard as i could. But then one day i brought hot cheetoes to school and he stold my hot cheetoes i got mad so i told my teacher mr.Green that some kid from ms.Blairs class stold my hot cheetoes and it was matthew[.]”)

Organization

The story exhibits inadequate or no organization. The story may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The story also lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. The beginning does not include background information about the event, e vents are not clearly in order, and the story includes an inadequate ending. (“my freinship was with matthew. he first time i saw him was in fith grade at smith intermediate i eas new to that school. so when i saw him i thought ''i'm not going to be friends with him this year at school he looks crazy and weird!!!!And every time i he looked at me i wanted to say"what you looking at freak!!!!!! And stick him right on the face as hard as i could. But then one day i brought hot cheetoes to school and he stold my hot cheetoes i got mad so i told my teacher mr.Green that some kid from ms.Blairs class stold my hot cheetoes and it was matthew[.]”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice. There is no a wareness of audience, and there are major errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the story, exact words are missing, and the style is not formal. (“my freinship was with matthew. he first time i saw him was in fith grade at smith intermediate i eas new to that school. so when i saw him i thought ''i'm not going to be friends with him this year at school he looks crazy and weird!!!!And every time i he looked at me i wanted to say"what you looking at freak!!!!!! And stick him right on the face as hard as i could. But then one day i brought hot cheetoes to school and he stold my hot cheetoes i got mad so i told my teacher mr.Green that some kid from ms.Blairs class stold my hot cheetoes and it was matthew[.]”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“my freinship was with matthew. he first time i saw him was in fith grade at smith intermediate i eas new to that school. so when i saw him i thought ''i'm not going to be friends with him this year at school he looks crazy and weird!!!!And every time i he looked at me i wanted to say"what you looking at freak!!!!!! And stick him right on the face as hard as i could. But then one day i brought hot cheetoes to school and he stold my hot cheetoes i got mad so i told my teacher mr.Green that some kid from ms.Blairs class stold my hot cheetoes and it was matthew[.]”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Cherished Memories

Significant events in a person's life become cherished memories in old age. Imagine an event that would make an interesting memory for you to tell your friends or relatives later in your life. As you write, be sure to describe what happened, give sensory details that are specific, and present your ideas chronologically.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

As I peered above at the azure sky lined with silvery white clouds, all I could think about is the fact that I would never see that same patch of sky again. My eyes darted back and forth from cloud to cloud imagining that maybe just sliver of hope lay beneath one of them, a piece of hope in this time of crisis. Unfortunately as I stopped looking up at those clouds I soon came back to the abyss of reality. I was soon very aware that I was in an airplane at Heathrow airport bound for America and no matter how much sympathy I got from looking at the clouds it would not compensate for anything the darkness of the real world. As I was shocked back into the reality of the world the same sound was resounding in my head like a broken record "You will never know your old life ever again" over and over it played taunting me with the fact that I will not be coming back to England .

That all started my still ongoing ordeal of moving from a home I loved in Stoke-on-Trent , England to desolate new place of which I had no feeling toward. I was in eternal bliss as I did the everyday activities as usual in my own home but as they say "All good things must come to an end" and although I never perceived it would happen to me, it did. Even now I still long for those precious childhood moments of diving into a pool with your mates, looking up at the deep blue sky imagining the prospects or just simply running nonchalantly to school without a care in the world. These moments we take for granted, how life was so simple back then. I learned quickly at the tender age of eight always to value these moments.

I was just a scrawny eight-year old brunette when we took off from the Heathrow airport for JFK airport in New York . My eyes were wide with shock and watery with grief. I was so young but yet I understood that from the moment I would step on American soil nothing would ever be the same. I would no longer have the childhood companions I once had at my precious conventional school in England , neither would I spend as much time as I once did with my older brother and sister who had chosen not to part with their dear country and come with me and my parents to this horrible new place. These instances to me mean more than life itself, just to cherish them now, as I live in America , is more than to experience them again. I had a life in England , it was where my heart is and shall always be.

So as we took off the ground from England , I starred again into the seat of the person in front of me, unable to look outside the window to the shrinking earth. Once we finally got into cruising altitude I brought myself back to consciousness, there was nothing to do but wait, wait to cry or wait to live. I decided that life could only get better from at the time as I looked around at the dully clad airplane, I thought about my memories in England, the only thing I could do now was make more memories, whether they were good or bad is up to me to decide. So I turned to my little 6-year-old sister, sitting next to me who was conveniently playing with her seatbelt, completely fascinated on such an amazing new shiny thing, and I spoke to her in solemn words. Her dark brown hair cascading over her little shoulders all I could do was think of her as a little version of me, "We are all going to be ok". She then had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, but she just gestured with her chubby little hands to have a hug. I took her in her arms around my neck and I kissed her plump little soft cheek and I whispered softly into her ear "I'm going to miss England."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a complete, expressive, and moving story. The author sets out to convey to the desired audience a memory s/he had of moving to America (“ I was soon very aware that I was in an airplane at Heathrow airport bound for America and no matter how much sympathy I got from looking at the clouds it would not compensate for anything the darkness of the real world. As I was shocked back into the reality of the world the same sound was resounding in my head like a broken record "You will never know your old life ever again" over and over it played taunting me with the fact that I will not be coming back to England ”). The author remains focused on this controlling idea and, by the end of the essay, leaves the reader with a melancholic, though inspiring, feeling. This essay clearly goes beyond the limits of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author provides stunning detail in this highly developed plot. The main character is primarily developed through the thoughts that s/he shares with the reader. The author’s young sister, who does very little on her own, helps move the author to a climax at the end of the story through an almost unconscious action (“ She then had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, but she just gestured with her chubby little hands to have a hug. I took her in her arms around my neck and I kissed her plump little soft cheek and I whispered softly into her ear ‘I'm going to miss England’ ”). The conflict described by the author is common for many people who immigrate to the United States , and it is used artfully to heighten the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story.

Organization

The first line of the opening paragraph cleverly c aptures the reader’s attention (“ As I peered above at the azure sky lined with silvery white clouds, all I could think about is the fact that I would never see that same patch of sky again ”) and prepares the reader for the emotional journey to follow. The body of the essay is tightly focused and flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion is hopeful, even though it leaves the reader wondering and unsure just how the author fared once s/he reached America (“ I took her in her arms around my neck and I kissed her plump little soft cheek and I whispered softly into her ear ‘I'm going to miss England’ ”).

Language Use & Style

This essay is filled with very sophisticated words and sentences that are used correctly and to good effect (“ As I peered above at the azure sky lined with silvery white clouds, all I could think about is the fact that I would never see that same patch of sky again. My eyes darted back and forth from cloud to cloud imagining that maybe just sliver of hope lay beneath one of them, a piece of hope in this time of crisis. Unfortunately as I stopped looking up at those clouds I soon came back to the abyss of reality”). At the same time, some of the author’s sentences are awkward, showing just how hard it can be to manage such complexity (“These moments we take for granted, how life was so simple back then”). The author’s voice is very well developed, and this essay is clearly aimed at the proper audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Other than a few awkwardly structured sentences, this essay is nearly error-free, revealing few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My lasting memory started about a month ago when my parents decided to surprize my brother and I with tickets to a Sixers game. My story begins on the morning of the game. As I awoke I could feel that this was goin to be a day I would remember forever. As I was getting ready for school I tuned into Sportscenter to see what they had to say about the game. One reporter interviewed Allen Iverson, who went on to say that this was going to be one of the toughest games all year.

A few hours later I was in school counting down the minutes till the game. I told all my friends to watch the game and look for me. I was in my last class of the day and I was so excited to go, I could have peed my pants. The bus ride home was the longest ever. It seemed that the driver knew I wanted to get home quickly because he was driving as slow as a snail. I finally arrived home and leaped into the car for the long car ride to the game.

We arrived at the First Union Center around two hours later. I stepped out of the car and I could smell the hamburgers and hotdogs grilling. We walked into the building and I was amazed at the amount of people there. I decided to buy a "Sixers Magazine" that had all the player and their bio in it. When we found our seats I looked down at the court and almost fainted because we were so high. I sat down and the seat was extra soft and had dark red pading on it. As I was watching the players warm up, a loud man began to talk over the PA system. He was talking about different advertisements so I went back to watching the players warm up.

The buzzer rang and the game began. I was so into the game i nearly missed my memorable moment. In the middle of the third quarter, during a time our, the PA announcer came over the intercom and told everyone to look at there magazine if they had bought one. He told us to look at the front cover at the bottom lefthand corner where there were a bunch of numbers. He started to mumblea bunch of numbers and instantly I focused on my numbers. I started to get excited when my first five numbers matched, but I still had five more numbers. I kept saying the last five numbers over and over again in my head.

The announcer slowly said the last five numbers and I quickly turned to my mom and showed her the booklet. The numbers matched! I sprinted to the guest services to claim my prize. The lady there seemed very excited and bent down and handed me an authentic Allen Iverson jersey, but that was not all. She told me after the game to go down to the players locker room and that Allen himself would autograph it. When I saw him after the game I was star struck. I could not believe that I was meeting on of the greatest basketball players in the world!

When I got home after the game i framed it and put it in my room. This one day will be a day I will always remember for the rest of my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this narrative, the author e stablishes and maintains a clear controlling idea that is not unknown to most young people – a trip to a sporting event (“M y lasting memory started about a month ago when my parents decided to surprize my brother and I with tickets to a Sixers game. My story begins on the morning of the game. As I awoke I could feel that this was goin to be a day I would remember forever ”). As the story unwinds, the reader is treated to additional information about this day that reinforces the author’s controlling idea. It is clear the author understands the purpose and audience of this prompt and, therefore, aptly completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author p rovides a well-developed plot and setting, beginning during the school day (“ It seemed that the driver knew I wanted to get home quickly because he was driving as slow as a snail ”) and running through the game to the moment of climax that truly excited the author (“ The announcer slowly said the last five numbers and I quickly turned to my mom and showed her the booklet. The numbers matched! I sprinted to the guest services to claim my prize ”). The main character is primarily defined through his actions and narration since no dialogue has been provided.

Organization

This essay shows the good organizational sense of the author. While the opening paragraph is not too exciting, it does position the author’s central theme for the reader. The body itself moves chronologically, flowing smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides the reader with a sense of completeness and wraps up the author’s exciting day (“ When I got home after the game i framed it and put it in my room. This one day will be a day I will always remember for the rest of my life ”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this writing task. Choosing words well and designing sentences correctly and with some variety, the author commits few basic errors in language use. The author’s voice is excited, as one would expect, and it keeps the reader’s attention fixed on the plot.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors compromise the integrity of this essay. The author’s good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing allows few e rrors in grammar (“ I decided to buy a "Sixers Magazine" that had all the player and their bio in it ”), mechanics, punctuation, or spelling to interfere with the telling of the story.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One hott afternoon when my friends and I were by the pool talking about all the gossip, I decided to tell them about my vaction to Hawaii . I didn't know where to start, so i started off by telling them about the beach.

The beach was so nice. We went out into the water and layed in the sun, the weather was so great. The water was so clear you could see atleast ten feet deep. The sand was so smooth, it was like you didn't want to stop touching it. Then i mentioned about the boardwalk.

We went to the boardwalk almost every night. When we got there, we would eat, shop and go to amusment parks. The food was so good, the funnel cake was amazing! The stores were all filled with great souvenirs and clothing. The rides at the parks were so much fun. The best part of the trip though was when we went scuba diving.

I have never gone scuba diving before so that was a great thrill. There were so many fish they were innumerable. It was so much fun. We even had an underwater camera so we have great pictures to show family and friends. Then the day had to come, the last day of Hawaii .

The last day was both happy and sad. the sad part was to many goodbyes. I met so many great people in just two weeks. The happy thing was we all have contact with eachother, so hopefully we can keep in touch. The paking wasn't to much fun either, i had so many and extra things that i didnt have before the trip. But finally it got done and the goodbyes were said and was time to go home.

The plane ride wasn't to exciting. I fell asleep an hour into the trip home and slept for about three hours. The rest of the time i just kept myslef occupied by either reading or watching T.V. We were finally in Philly and my grandmother was waiting for us. I couldn't wait to fet home to my bed.

When we got home, AI was very happy. I went right upstairs and layed on my bed. I missed my bed, ALOT! I think that I will remember this vacation forever and ever!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this narrative, the author seeks to describe to the reader a recent vacation to Hawaii that is a cherished memory for the author (“ I think that I will remember this vacation forever and ever”). This controlling idea remains the center of the author’s focus and shows that the author has a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt. Thus, the story adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The plot developed by the author is reasonably detailed. The author describes in some detail some of the activities s/he participated in (“ The food was so good, the funnel cake was amazing! The stores were all filled with great souvenirs and clothing. The rides at the parks were so much fun. The best part of the trip though was when we went scuba diving ”) and how hard it was to prepare for the trip home, which emerges as the principal conflict in this story. Other than the author, no additional characters are introduced, although the author does suggest that s/he made many friends on the vacation (“ I met so many great people in just two weeks. The happy thing was we all have contact with eachother, so hopefully we can keep in touch ”).

Organization

The story has an interesting opening that excites the reader to continue reading (“ One hott afternoon when my friends and I were by the pool talking about all the gossip, I decided to tell them about my vaction to Hawaii . I didn't know where to start, so i started off by telling them about the beach ”). Each of the short body paragraphs is focused on describing an aspect of the author’s vacation, and they generally flow well due to the inclusion of transitions that support sequential development (“ Then the day had to come, the last day of Hawaii … The last day was both happy and sad ”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple, yet adequate for this writing task. With some exception, the words and sentences used are correct (“ The plane ride wasn't to exciting ” and “ But finally it got done and the goodbyes were said and was time to go home ”). The author shows an awareness of the audience (“ One hott afternoon when my friends and I were by the pool … I decided to tell them about my vaction to Hawaii ”) and control of voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is adequate, yet some noticeable errors in grammar (“ The food was so good, the funnel cake was amazing ”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ go to amusment parks ”) are evident.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The day I got hit by a car would be my most cherished memory . I think it would be my most cheerishable memory becouse I made my friends feel bad becouse they pushed me, it hurt really bad, and even though it happened three years ago my friends and I still joke about it .

It all started May third, two thousand . I was on Southfith street in Easton . I was walkin to my friends house. I was with three of my other friends and we all started to play fieght .Some how it ended up in the street. We all knew there was a car comming toward us but we thought it would stop.

As we where fighting , the car didnt stop it went right toward us. All four of us probobly flew about five feet from where we where fighting. The guy stopped to see if we where hurt. He saw that I was hurt and got back in his car and drove off. My friends wheernt that hurt, and I couldnt even walk becouse my leg hur so bad. My friends where strong enough to carry me back to my house. When i got home my mom checked my leg, she knew it had to be broken. My mom, drove me to the doctor. He told me I had to where a cast for about three months. I got to pick the color , so I picked bright green .

When I came back home from the doctors, with my bright green cast, all my friends where waiting for me. They all signed my cast. I never found out who the guy was who hit us. But I guess it happened for a pupouse. The day I got hit by a car would be my most cheerishable memory becouse I made my friends feel bad becouse the started the fight, it hurt really bad, and becouse even though it happened about three years ago my friends and I still joke about it .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a tale that has the potential to be downright chilling; in it, the author recalls the time that s/he was struck by a car (“T he day I got hit by a car would be my most cherished memory ”). While the author does remain focused on this controlling idea, s/he only partially weaves it into a compelling narrative that would impress the reader and fails to grasp the true meaning of the event (“ I think it would be my most cheerishable memory becouse I made my friends feel bad becouse they pushed me ”). Thus, the assigned task is only partially completed.

Content & Development

The author provides some details to develop the plot, setting, and major characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Little is said, for instance, about the children’s actions leading up to the accident (“ I was with three of my other friends and we all started to play fieght ”) or following the event (“ When I came back home from the doctors, with my bright green cast, all my friends where waiting for me ”). Moreover, the author suggests that there was a deeper meaning to this event, but fails to discuss that meaning in the story (“ But I guess it happened for a pupouse”).

Organization

The essay appears to flow chronologically, transitioning well enough from one paragraph to the next. However, the introduction and conclusion are weak, not to mention nearly identical, and they fail to express the great magnitude of this event. In particular, the conclusion could provide real closure for the reader, perhaps by making a statement about how wrong the driver was for not stopping or how the children learned to be more cautious in choosing a place to play, but it does not.

Language Use & Style

This author is unable to master the use of the English language in order to communicate this narrative effectively. The words and sentences used tend to be simple and are marked by basic errors (“ He told me I had to where a cast for about three months “ and “ I was walkin to my friends house ”). Even though this essay appears to be directed to the proper audience, the author’s voice remains undefined.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the mechanics and conventions of writing could use some improvement. Numerous noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“ As we where fighting , the car didnt stop it went right toward us ”), punctuation (“ I couldnt even walk ”), and especially spelling (“ my most cheerishable memory becouse ”) make comprehending this story difficult for the reader.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

One Time when I went to get my bike in my yard so I could go biking with my friends. I was running around the corner when I slipped on wet grass, my knee hurt a little I thought I could stand butt I couldent. When I tried again I felt somthing run down my leg like water, I saw it was blood. I looked to see were it was coming from and saw a gash in my knee. I screamed loudly at the top of my lungs and my freinds dad came out when he heard the scream then he said oh my god, we need to get you to your house. I ended up having 14 stitches in my knee.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author tells a story that apparently stands out in the author’s mind (“ One Time when I went to get my bike in my yard so I could go biking with my friends. I was running around the corner when I slipped on wet grass ”), but it is not clear that the author truly appreciates the purpose and audience of this writing task. It is unclear, for instance, why this event represents a cherished memory. In this essay, the author inadequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

Very little plot development takes place in this story. No information is given, for example, to help the reader get to know who the main character and his/her friends are, why the character was running that day (“ I was running around the corner when I slipped on wet grass ”), and what his/her life was like after the injury (“ I ended up having 14 stitches in my knee ”).

Organization

In the single paragraph provided, there is little room for an extensive organizational structure. While this essay appears to flow chronologically, no engaging introduction or conclusion has been written.

Language Use & Style

The author uses simple words and sentences in this story that are sometimes marked by basic errors in structure and diction (“ I screamed loudly at the top of my lungs and my freinds dad came out when he heard the scream then he said oh my god, we need to get you to your house ” and “ I thought I could stand butt I couldent”). Little thought is given by the author to properly address this essay to the intended audience or to develop his/her voice sufficiently.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s grasp of the conventions and mechanics of writing is weak. A pattern of errors in grammar, mechanics (“ One Time when I went to get my bike in my yard so I could go biking with my friends ”), punctuation (“ my freinds dad ”), and spelling (“ somthing ”) substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I wun lots of rasis. I finly figerd out what I like to do. rais forlers. It's my best event. I have to say I have rase a lot and I lirnd a lot. I have an indro, and a rapater. that is a tipe of forweeler. Some good add vise is to keep them clein.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response is virtually incomprehensible. The author appears to be addressing a race of some kind, but this is not at all clear to the reader. Without an identifiable controlling idea, this essay fails to complete any of the assigned task.

Content & Development

This response lacks an identifiable plot, setting, or characters. The author appears to describe his/her hobby, but does not describe an event involving this hobby that could serve as a cherished memory. Not much happens in this story.

Organization

This essay shows no signs of o rganization; there is no clear beginning, middle, or end or other logical sequence present.

Language Use & Style

Largely incoherent, the author lacks the facility to use words and sentences to communicate a meaningful narrative to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows no control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. In every sentence, the errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are so severe that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Conflict in School

Think about a time in which you got into a conflict at school. Was it with a friend, an enemy, or even a teacher?

Write a multi-paragraph narrative essay in which you explain the circumstances of the conflict, the climax of the conflict, and the resolution. Be sure to include specific details to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The adrenaline pumped through my veins. My heart was beating so loud and fast. There was the ball, held in the referee’s hands, about to be thrown up into the air. I stood a few feet behind the girl on the opposite team, poised and ready to catch the ball when my teammate smacked it toward me. Oh, I was so nervous.

Suddenly the basketball hit my stomach with incredible force. It bounced off and rolled away on the floor to be picked up by the opposite team. The game had begun, and I had already dropped the ball. I hadn’t even seen it flying toward me when I was looking straight at it! I stood there, shocked, as the other team scored the first points of the game, not even seeing what was going on. How could I have missed the ball?

"Come on, girl! What are you doing? Get out here and play!" One of my teammates smacked into my shoulder as she shouted at me, bringing me back down to earth. I glanced around, embarrassed, at the scoreboard. Two to zero - we were losing at our last home game. As I scanned the gym to find the ball, I saw two of the girls, Madison and Erica, from the other team giggling in the corner as they watched my bewildered face. Those girls took pleasure in making everyone within sight as frustrated and jealous as possible. I could tell I was in for a long game.

Our coach called a time-out. He took me out of the game for a "little while" so we could "save my energy for when we really need it." I saw right through his poor attempt at enthusiasm and encouragement. The whole team was furious at me for losing the ball. My face blushed a deeper shade of crimson every time I saw one of them glare at me. After the time-out, those girls on the other team that had been laughing at me marched haughtily onto the court. Ugh, they were so full of themselves. Erica mouthed to me, "This is how it’s done." Madison flashed a bittersweet smile. I tried not to just hand victory over to them, but it was very difficult not to pout. Eventually I found myself scowling at the floor.

Erica dribbled down to their basket and tossed the ball to Madison, who scored another two points with a lay-up. Both of them turned to me to reveal a huge smirk. I scowled back. Soon my brow hurt from being furrowed for so long. Our team finally had the ball again. It was passed down court to one of the worst shooters on the team, second only to me, who attempted a lay-up that turned into an air ball and landed out of bounds. Madison greedily snatched the ball before anyone else could get it and dribbled down the court. After passing the half court line, she jumped up and smoothly swished a 3-pointer. Of course, she shifted so I could clearly see the smug look on her arrogant face.

Our team was in possession. One of the girls launched the ball down court with tremendous force. Even I could see it would have been an easy catch. The poor girl it was chucked to, though, got struck right in the face with the ball. She ran out of the gym pinching her nose and crying.

Now I had to go in. I wasn’t really expecting that. The fact that the coach had me in the starting five was terribly dumbfounding, but it was probably just so he wouldn’t have to keep me in the game very long. I saw Madison and Erica whispering and giggling on the other side of the court, probably saying something like, "I can’t wait to see this." My throat burned and the gym grew blurry as tears welled up in my eyes from my fury. I quickly sucked it up, hoping nobody had noticed, only to find the game had continued without me. I ran to catch up and participate, or to pretend to participate.

It was a disaster. I tried to steal the ball as the girl ran down the court and was knocked down. I furiously struggled to get the ball from my own teammate. Out of the four times I shot for a basket, four of them were complete air balls going every direction. I even tripped when my foot hit the ankle on my other leg, and tumbled to the floor. Another girl on my team about to catch the ball stumbled backwards over me and fell over. The basketball slammed into the back of my head and gave me a lovely goose egg.

By the end of the game all the girls walked off the court rubbing elbows, knees, and heads. I had successfully managed to knock over every girl on both teams. Even though Madison and Erica hadn’t been left untouched, they savored my embarrassments and failures, so they were the only two that left the court grinning slightly as they nursed their injuries.

Our whole team agreed the game was a catastrophe on everyone’s part. We all did awful at some point, or in my case, all points. So the whole team didn’t despise me like I thought they would. Yet those two brats from what they thought was a higher level than everyone else, snatched the first opportunity to gloat over their victory to me.

"Great job! Congratulations on a successful game!" Madison squealed with over-exaggerated enthusiasm and a huge cheesy smile on her face. Both of the girls burst into laughter.

"Thank you," I replied.

"Could you have bumped into anyone more than that?" Erica gasped after their laughing fit.

"Really, Erica, I don’t think that's humanly possible." Madison snickered.

"I did that quite enough, I think," I said, smiling.

Madison looked irritated that I hadn’t burst into tears and ran out of the gym yet. "Sorry to burst your bubble, but you were awful out there. It was almost painful to watch."

"Seriously, I almost barfed!" said Erica.

"I’m sorry. You didn’t have to watch. Everyone has room for improvement, some more than others. If I work hard I could get really good at basketball," I said.

"Yeah right."

"Well thank you for the lovely chat and all your compliments. They are greatly appreciated. But I have to go now; see my family is getting impatient over there. You were right, I should start working harder. See you at our next game!" I said as I ran to meet my family. I looked over my shoulder, and poor little Madison didn’t look very pleased at all. I could almost see the smoke coming out of her ears. Erica was fuming beside her. Apparently I hadn’t been as devastated as they had hoped, and their insults hadn’t had any visible effect on me. I grinned. It was pathetic that they were so irritated that I didn’t take their taunting seriously. Those girls were so cocky and overconfident.

"Great g-."

"Dad, don’t even say I had a good game. I didn’t, but that’s okay. I’ll work on it."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative response. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

The main event in the essay is stated very effectively. (“” Come on, girl! What are you doing? Get out here and play!" One of my teammates smacked into my shoulder as she shouted at me, bringing me back down to earth. I glanced around, embarrassed, at the scoreboard. Two to zero - we were losing at our last home game. As I scanned the gym to find the ball, I saw two of the girls, Madison and Erica, from the other team giggling in the corner as they watched my bewildered face. Those girls took pleasure in making everyone within sight as frustrated and jealous as possible. I could tell I was in for a long game.”)

The writer provides details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event that are developed very effectively. Through these descriptions, readers get a clear picture of the increasing conflict between the main character and the two enemies on the opposing team. (“ It was a disaster. I tried to steal the ball as the girl ran down the court and was knocked down. I furiously struggled to get the ball from my own teammate. Out of the four times I shot for a basket, four of them were complete air balls going every direction. I even tripped when my foot hit the ankle on my other leg, and tumbled to the floor. Another girl on my team about to catch the ball stumbled backwards over me and fell over. The basketball slammed into the back of my head and gave me a lovely goose egg. By the end of the game all the girls walked off the court rubbing elbows, knees, and heads. I had successfully managed to knock over every girl on both teams. Even though Madison and Erica hadn’t been left untouched, they savored my embarrassments and failures, so they were the only two that left the court grinning slightly as they nursed their injuries.”)

All of the parts of the story relate to the main event. The writer provides consistent sequencing of events that supports the escalating negative feelings building up between the characters in the story. (“ Our whole team agreed the game was a catastrophe on everyone’s part. We all did awful at some point, or in my case, all points. So the whole team didn’t despise me like I thought they would. Yet those two brats from what they thought was a higher level than everyone else, snatched the first opportunity to gloat over their victory to me."Great job! Congratulations on a successful game!" Madison squealed with over-exaggerated enthusiasm and a huge cheesy smile on her face. Both of the girls burst into laughter.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development of ideas and events in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The writer creates complex characters and clearly establishes a conflict/problem that heightens the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story. The dialogue used is very effective in revealing characters’ thoughts throughout the narrative response.

The characters are developed in very effective detail. Readers can easily relate to these characters. From the narrator, to the mean girls, to the coach of the team, readers get a sense of what these characters are like and can easily picture them in their minds. (“Our coach called a time-out. He took me out of the game for a "little while" so we could "save my energy for when we really need it." I saw right through his poor attempt at enthusiasm and encouragement. The whole team was furious at me for losing the ball. My face blushed a deeper shade of crimson every time I saw one of them glare at me. After the time-out, those girls on the other team that had been laughing at me marched haughtily onto the court. Ugh, they were so full of themselves. Erica mouthed to me, "This is how it’s done." Madison flashed a bittersweet smile. I tried not to just hand victory over to them, but it was very difficult not to pout. Eventually I found myself scowling at the floor.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the conflict in the essay and gives readers a better understanding of what the characters think and feel throughout the story. (“"Great job! Congratulations on a successful game!" Madison squealed with over-exaggerated enthusiasm and a huge cheesy smile on her face. Both of the girls burst into laughter. "Thank you," I replied. "Could you have bumped into anyone more than that?" Erica gasped after their laughing fit. "Really, Erica, I don’t think that's humanly possible." Madison snickered. "I did that quite enough, I think," I said, smiling.”)

There is very effective information about what happens during the event in the story. (“Now I had to go in. I wasn’t really expecting that. The fact that the coach had me in the starting five was terribly dumbfounding, but it was probably just so he wouldn’t have to keep me in the game very long. I saw Madison and Erica whispering and giggling on the other side of the court, probably saying something like, "I can’t wait to see this." My throat burned and the gym grew blurry as tears welled up in my eyes from my fury. I quickly sucked it up, hoping nobody had noticed, only to find the game had continued without me. I ran to catch up and participate, or to pretend to participate.”)

The resolution of the conflict is very effectively described. (“I looked over my shoulder, and poor little Madison didn’t look very pleased at all. I could almost see the smoke coming out of her ears. Erica was fuming beside her. Apparently I hadn’t been as devastated as they had hoped, and their insults hadn’t had any visible effect on me. I grinned. It was pathetic that they were so irritated that I didn’t take their taunting seriously. Those girls were so cocky and overconfident. "Great g-." "Dad, don’t even say I had a good game. I didn’t, but that’s okay. I’ll work on it."”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is also very effective. The writer captures the reader’s attention by cleverly opening the essay. The essay flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The essay has an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The essay very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“The adrenaline pumped through my veins. My heart was beating so loud and fast. There was the ball, held in the referee’s hands, about to be thrown up into the air. I stood a few feet behind the girl on the opposite team, poised and ready to catch the ball when my teammate smacked it toward me. Oh, I was so nervous.”)

Events are clearly in order. The writer uses subtle transitions to promote sequential development. (“Our team was in possession. One of the girls launched the ball down court with tremendous force. Even I could see it would have been an easy catch. The poor girl it was chucked to, though, got struck right in the face with the ball. She ran out of the gym pinching her nose and crying. Now I had to go in. I wasn’t really expecting that. The fact that the coach had me in the starting five was terribly dumbfounding, but it was probably just so he wouldn’t have to keep me in the game very long. I saw Madison and Erica whispering and giggling on the other side of the court, probably saying something like, "I can’t wait to see this."”)

The essay’s ending very effectively includes details about the resolution of the conflict and the characters’ feelings. (“"Well thank you for the lovely chat and all your compliments. They are greatly appreciated. But I have to go now; see my family is getting impatient over there. You were right, I should start working harder. See you at our next game!" I said as I ran to meet my family. I looked over my shoulder, and poor little Madison didn’t look very pleased at all. I could almost see the smoke coming out of her ears. Erica was fuming beside her. Apparently I hadn’t been as devastated as they had hoped, and their insults hadn’t had any visible effect on me. I grinned. It was pathetic that they were so irritated that I didn’t take their taunting seriously. Those girls were so cocky and overconfident.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style in the response is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The essay exhibits well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer makes excellent word choices, particularly with descriptive word selections, to give readers a mental picture of how the main character is feeling during the conflict at school. (“ My face blushed a deeper shade of crimson every time I saw one of them glare at me. After the time-out, those girls on the other team that had been laughing at me marched haughtily onto the court. Ugh, they were so full of themselves. Erica mouthed to me, "This is how it’s done." Madison flashed a bittersweet smile. I tried not to just hand victory over to them, but it was very difficult not to pout. Eventually I found myself scowling at the floor.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ By the end of the game all the girls walked off the court rubbing elbows, knees, and heads. I had successfully managed to knock over every girl on both teams. Even though Madison and Erica hadn’t been left untouched, they savored my embarrassments and failures, so they were the only two that left the court grinning slightly as they nursed their injuries.”)

The writer provides a variety of well-structured sentences to aid in the effective telling of the narrative. (“ Suddenly the basketball hit my stomach with incredible force. It bounced off and rolled away on the floor to be picked up by the opposite team. The game had begun, and I had already dropped the ball. I hadn’t even seen it flying toward me when I was looking straight at it! I stood there, shocked, as the other team scored the first points of the game, not even seeing what was going on. How could I have missed the ball?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of conventions and mechanics in the essay response. The writer commits few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each new paragraph is indicated by a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ ”Come on, girl! What are you doing? Get out here and play!” One of my teammates smacked into my shoulder as she shouted at me, bringing me back down to earth. I glanced around, embarrassed, at the scoreboard. Two to zero - we were losing at our last home game. As I scanned the gym to find the ball, I saw two of the girls, Madison and Erica, from the other team giggling in the corner as they watched my bewildered face. Those girls took pleasure in making everyone within sight as frustrated and jealous as possible. I could tell I was in for a long game.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It was a Thursday, and I was in science class. Having finished my work, I went over to another table to chat. The period was almost over, and many people were wandering around the classroom to talk to their friends. After a few minutes, I returned to my table to pack up just as someone was leaving it. I noticed a small piece of wood lying on my table. It was a work of art, the lid of a cedar box that I had made. It was inlaid with dark walnut, and I had sanded it with fine sandpaper until it was mirror-like. That was what it looked like before I had gone to talk to some friends across the room. Now there were shallow but distinct scratches on its surface. The sanding block, a hunk of wood used to hold an abrasive surface such as sandpaper, had disappeared from my desk.

I felt the blood rushing to my head, and a red haze drifted over the entire world. I spun around, searching for the culprit. I realized that the person who had just left my table was Joshua, once a friend, and recently, an enemy. I strode up to him, and looked him over with a wave of suspicion and disgust. There in his left hand, was my sanding block, fitted with coarse sandpaper. I wrenched it from his hand, just as the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. I quickly tossed everything into my backpack, excluding my cedar box. My breaths were coming in short puffs now and I stormed out of the classroom into the bright sunlight.

The following day, I woke up in the morning, and got ready for school. The previous night had been grueling, thanks to my parents. During my ride to school, my mom’s persistent nagging didn’t help, either. So when I arrived at school, I was not in a particularly good mood. My first class on Friday was science, and troublemaker Joshua was there, once again. Towards the beginning of the class, he made a fuss over someone leaving a backpack on his table, so he tossed it away. The backpack landed with a crash and slid across the table, in my direction of course. It swept past in front of me and over the table, taking with it the cedar lid of my box. This time, a deluge of blood-red color swept across my vision. Everything became quiet and muted, and the only thing I could hear was the pounding in my ears.

I vaguely remembered saying “Okay, that’s it!”, but the one thing I remembered the most was my trying to strangle Joshua. I pinned him to the cabinets lined against the wall, and went for his throat as hard as I could. He fought back slightly, but only by trying to step on my feet. Then I heard the teacher’s voice break through the haze of sound and tell me to stop. “Let go of him immediately! Stop now!” the teacher implored. I released Joshua, and he partially collapsed to the floor. I stormed back to my seat and furiously went to work in what I can only describe as a frenzy. I was trying not to think about what I had just done. Near the end of class, the teacher said, “You shouldn’t ever strangle someone in my class! Next time think before you act. There could have been serious injuries and consequences for you.” He didn’t seem to sound very angry; the teacher had his share of trouble from Joshua too.

That had been a year ago. Now I know better. I constantly ponder what I should have done, and all the possible outcomes of my actions. After almost a year of thinking, I learned that my anger was short-lived. It seemed as though each time I was angered by something, a small drop would be added to a bottle, and that would slowly build up until it exploded. But it turned out, that almost every time I had seriously attacked someone had been when I had been overloaded with anger in a short amount of time. It was just that the last person felt all the fury of what had driven me over the edge. I am working on that now and trying to resolve my conflicts through peaceful actions.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides good focus and meaning in the essay response. The essay reflects a general understanding of the purpose, intended audience, and task requirements. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the essay well. (“It was a work of art, the lid of a cedar box that I had made. It was inlaid with dark walnut, and I had sanded it with fine sandpaper until it was mirror-like. That was what it looked like before I had gone to talk to some friends across the room. Now there were shallow but distinct scratches on its surface. The sanding block, a hunk of wood used to hold an abrasive surface such as sandpaper, had disappeared from my desk. I felt the blood rushing to my head, and a red haze drifted over the entire world. I spun around, searching for the culprit. I realized that the person who had just left my table was Joshua, once a friend, and recently, an enemy. I strode up to him, and looked him over with a wave of suspicion and disgust. There in his left hand, was my sanding block, fitted with coarse sandpaper.”)

The events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. (“So when I arrived at school, I was not in a particularly good mood. My first class on Friday was science, and troublemaker Joshua was there, once again. Towards the beginning of the class, he made a fuss over someone leaving a backpack on his table, so he tossed it away. The backpack landed with a crash and slid across the table, in my direction of course. It swept past in front of me and over the table, taking with it the cedar lid of my box. This time, a deluge of blood-red color swept across my vision. Everything became quiet and muted, and the only thing I could hear was the pounding in my ears.”)

All the details in the essay focus on the main event. (“ I vaguely remembered saying “Okay, that’s it!”, but the one thing I remembered the most was my trying to strangle Joshua. I pinned him to the cabinets lined against the wall, and went for his throat as hard as I could. He fought back slightly, but only by trying to step on my feet. Then I heard the teacher’s voice break through the haze of sound and tell me to stop. I released Joshua, and he partially collapsed to the floor.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development in the response. The essay provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer creates believable characters and establishes tension within the conflict that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The effective use of dialogue enhances the response by revealing the characters’ thoughts and feelings during the conflict in school.

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed appropriately within the context of the events in the story. (“ Then I heard the teacher’s voice break through the haze of sound and tell me to stop. “Let go of him immediately! Stop now!” the teacher implored. I released Joshua, and he partially collapsed to the floor. I stormed back to my seat and furiously went to work in what I can only describe as a frenzy. I was trying not to think about what I had just done. Near the end of class, the teacher said, “You shouldn’t ever strangle someone in my class! Next time think before you act. There could have been serious injuries and consequences for you.””)

There is effective information about what happened before the event. (“It was a Thursday, and I was in science class. Having finished my work, I went over to another table to chat. The period was almost over, and many people were wandering around the classroom to talk to their friends. After a few minutes, I returned to my table to pack up just as someone was leaving it. I noticed a small piece of wood lying on my table. It was a work of art, the lid of a cedar box that I had made. It was inlaid with dark walnut, and I had sanded it with fine sandpaper until it was mirror-like. That was what it looked like before I had gone to talk to some friends across the room. Now there were shallow but distinct scratches on its surface. The sanding block, a hunk of wood used to hold an abrasive surface such as sandpaper, had disappeared from my desk.”)

The essay reveals details that effectively describe the solution to the conflict in the story. (“That had been a year ago. Now I know better. I constantly ponder what I should have done, and all the possible outcomes of my actions. After almost a year of thinking, I learned that my anger was short-lived. It seemed as though each time I was angered by something, a small drop would be added to a bottle, and that would slowly build up until it exploded. But it turned out, that almost every time I had seriously attacked someone had been when I had been overloaded with anger in a short amount of time. It was just that the last person felt all the fury of what had driven me over the edge. I am working on that now and trying to resolve my conflicts through peaceful actions.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is good. The opening of the essay entices readers to continue reading. The essay flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The essay effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning of the story. The writer sets up the scene and slowly reveals the moments that lead up to the conflict with a boy in his science class. (“ It was a Thursday, and I was in science class. Having finished my work, I went over to another table to chat. The period was almost over, and many people were wandering around the classroom to talk to their friends. After a few minutes, I returned to my table to pack up just as someone was leaving it. I noticed a small piece of wood lying on my table…”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the essay. (“ The following day, I woke up in the morning, and got ready for school. The previous night had been grueling, thanks to my parents. During my ride to school, my mom’s persistent nagging didn’t help, either. So when I arrived at school, I was not in a particularly good mood.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective ending that includes details about the resolution of the conflict and the main character’s feelings at the end of the story. (“ Now I know better. I constantly ponder what I should have done, and all the possible outcomes of my actions. After almost a year of thinking, I learned that my anger was short-lived. It seemed as though each time I was angered by something, a small drop would be added to a bottle, and that would slowly build up until it exploded. But it turned out, that almost every time I had seriously attacked someone had been when I had been overloaded with anger in a short amount of time. It was just that the last person felt all the fury of what had driven me over the edge. I am working on that now and trying to resolve my conflicts through peaceful actions.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is good in the essay response. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the response.

The language and tone of the narrative are consistent in the task response. (“ Towards the beginning of the class, he made a fuss over someone leaving a backpack on his table, so he tossed it away. The backpack landed with a crash and slid across the table, in my direction of course. It swept past in front of me and over the table, taking with it the cedar lid of my box. This time, a deluge of blood-red color swept across my vision. Everything became quiet and muted, and the only thing I could hear was the pounding in my ears.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ I felt the blood rushing to my head, and a red haze drifted over the entire world. I spun around, searching for the culprit. I realized that the person who had just left my table was Joshua, once a friend, and recently, an enemy. I strode up to him, and looked him over with a wave of suspicion and disgust. There in his left hand, was my sanding block, fitted with coarse sandpaper.”)

The writer’s use of well-chosen, sophisticated word selections adds to the effectiveness of the message. (“ It was a work of art, the lid of a cedar box that I had made. It was inlaid with dark walnut, and I had sanded it with fine sandpaper until it was mirror-like. That was what it looked like before I had gone to talk to some friends across the room. Now there were shallow but distinct scratches on its surface. The sanding block, a hunk of wood used to hold an abrasive surface such as sandpaper, had disappeared from my desk.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message .

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, new paragraphs are indicated by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and spelling is correct. (“ I pinned him to the cabinets lined against the wall, and went for his throat as hard as I could. He fought back slightly, but only by trying to step on my feet. Then I heard the teacher’s voice break through the haze of sound and tell me to stop. “Let go of him immediately! Stop now!” the teacher implored. I released Joshua, and he partially collapsed to the floor.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It was a warm sunny day when my best friend and I were doing a project in the third grade. Although it was sunny out, it was a very dreadful memory to remember. We were working on the project when we started having complications. I started telling her how to do it and what to do. She stared at me with anger and fire in her eyes and I knew just what she was thinking. I glared right back at her. There was a growing tension and silence between us. Finally she broke the silence by saying, " Cher , I know what I’m doing. Stop acting so bossy!" She said raising her voice. "Well I wouldn’t have to be so bossy if you would do it right!" I snapped back at her. That shut her up for good. Instead she just turned back around ignoring me. Right then and there is when I knew that we were in trouble with our friendship.

The next day when I was in class, I tried to smile at my best friend because I wanted everything to be alright between us, but she never looked my way. At recess when I had tried to talk to her, she ignored me and went on talking with her other friends, leaving me alone by myself, sitting under a tree. "Maybe tomorrow she will cool down and forget everything." I thought, but I was wrong. One day she came up to me with her other friends and started making fun of me and sharing rumors about me. I didn’t expect this to happen because she was always the nice one who listened to me. So it was so unexpected. I was furious, mad, and frustrated all at once. I couldn’t think, but all I knew was I had to get her back.

Then all of a sudden one day she came up to me and said, "Why do you always have to be the boss of everyone? No wonder no one likes you!" Then she walked away and left me standing there speechless. Those words rang over and over in my ears and I felt the sting of my tears streaming down from my cheeks. I couldn’t believe how a few words can make me feel like a thousand knives striking through me. The pain inside was indescribable. That day I went home and thought about it. She was right. Everything she said about me was right. Then a sudden regret washed over me and a sudden urge for me to go up to her tomorrow and say sorry.

During recess the next day, I went up to her and asked, "Can I talk to you?" She looked at me and said, "Why, so you can tell me what else I’m doing wrong?" I shook my head. "I’m sorry." I said. "You were right, I was bossy." She looked at me and smiled. "I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said the things that I said to you. Friends?" I smiled and hugged her. It was great to have my best friend back. I realized that I was wrong and I didn’t want to ever do that again. I learned my lesson and now my friend and I never get into an argument anymore and we’re still best friends up until now. I was glad that I had apologized.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s focus and meaning are adequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The response provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The essay states the main event adequately. (“ It was a warm sunny day when my best friend and I were doing a project in the third grade. Although it was sunny out, it was a very dreadful memory to remember. We were working on the project when we started having complications. I started telling her how to do it and what to do. She stared at me with anger and fire in her eyes and I knew just what she was thinking. I glared right back at her. There was a growing tension and silence between us.”)

The details of the essay relate to and focus on the main event. For example, the writer adequately sequences each event to lead to the climax of the conflict between the two girls. (“ Then all of a sudden one day she came up to me and said, "Why do you always have to be the boss of everyone? No wonder no one likes you!" Then she walked away and left me standing there speechless. Those words rang over and over in my ears and I felt the sting of my tears streaming down from my cheeks. I couldn’t believe how a few words can make me feel like a thousand knives striking through me. The pain inside was indescribable.”)

The setting (where and when the story takes place) is adequately developed. For example, readers can picture the main character in class and then later sitting under the tree during recess, feeling sad and depressed because her best friend was ignoring her. (“ The next day when I was in class, I tried to smile at my best friend because I wanted everything to be alright between us, but she never looked my way. At recess when I had tried to talk to her, she ignored me and went on talking with her other friends, leaving me alone by myself, sitting under a tree. "Maybe tomorrow she will cool down and forget everything." I thought, but I was wrong.”)

There is adequate use of dialogue to reveal the characters’ thoughts throughout the essay. (“ During recess the next day, I went up to her and asked, "Can I talk to you?" She looked at me and said, "Why, so you can tell me what else I’m doing wrong?" I shook my head. "I’m sorry." I said. "You were right, I was bossy." She looked at me and smiled. "I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said the things that I said to you. Friends?"”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The essay establishes a realistic conflict/problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story, and dialogue is adequately used to reveal the characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“I started telling her how to do it and what to do. She stared at me with anger and fire in her eyes and I knew just what she was thinking. I glared right back at her. There was a growing tension and silence between us. Finally she broke the silence by saying, " Cher , I know what I’m doing. Stop acting so bossy!" She said raising her voice. "Well I wouldn’t have to be so bossy if you would do it right!" I snapped back at her. That shut her up for good. Instead she just turned back around ignoring me. Right then and there is when I knew that we were in trouble with our friendship.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is adequately developed. (“ Finally she broke the silence by saying, " Cher , I know what I’m doing. Stop acting so bossy!" She said raising her voice. "Well I wouldn’t have to be so bossy if you would do it right!" I snapped back at her.”)

The essay exhibits adequate details that describe each of the story’s problems. For example, when the main character is confronted by her best friend, it creates a new problem. The main character wants to take revenge on the friend instead of trying to work things out. (“One day she came up to me with her other friends and started making fun of me and sharing rumors about me. I didn’t expect this to happen because she was always the nice one who listened to me. So it was so unexpected. I was furious, mad, and frustrated all at once. I couldn’t think, but all I knew was I had to get her back.”)

The writer provides details that adequately describe the story’s solution. (“"I’m sorry." I said. "You were right, I was bossy." She looked at me and smiled. "I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said the things that I said to you. Friends?" I smiled and hugged her. It was great to have my best friend back. I realized that I was wrong and I didn’t want to ever do that again. I learned my lesson and now my friend and I never get into an argument anymore and we’re still best friends up until now. I was glad that I had apologized.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt by the writer to grab readers’ attention with details designed to set the scene and reveal the nature of the conflict. (“ It was a warm sunny day when my best friend and I were doing a project in the third grade. Although it was sunny out, it was a very dreadful memory to remember. We were working on the project when we started having complications. I started telling her how to do it and what to do. She stared at me with anger and fire in her eyes and I knew just what she was thinking. I glared right back at her. There was a growing tension and silence between us.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Then all of a sudden one day she came up to me and said, "Why do you always have to be the boss of everyone? No wonder no one likes you!" Then she walked away and left me standing there speechless.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ That day I went home and thought about it. She was right. Everything she said about me was right. Then a sudden regret washed over me and a sudden urge for me to go up to her tomorrow and say sorry. During recess the next day, I went up to her and asked, "Can I talk to you?"”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate ending that includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“ I smiled and hugged her. It was great to have my best friend back. I realized that I was wrong and I didn’t want to ever do that again. I learned my lesson and now my friend and I never get into an argument anymore and we’re still best friends up until now. I was glad that I had apologized.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style by the writer is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay generally exhibits correct sentence structure with some variety .

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ We were working on the project when we started having complications. I started telling her how to do it and what to do. She stared at me with anger and fire in her eyes and I knew just what she was thinking. I glared right back at her. There was a growing tension and silence between us.”)

The writer’s style is adequate for the essay response. Using an appropriate blend of description, sequence, and dialogue, the writer creates a believable story that is easy for readers to follow and stay interested in through the conclusion of the event. (“ During recess the next day, I went up to her and asked, "Can I talk to you?" She looked at me and said, "Why, so you can tell me what else I’m doing wrong?" I shook my head. "I’m sorry." I said. "You were right, I was bossy." She looked at me and smiled. "I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said the things that I said to you. Friends?" I smiled and hugged her. It was great to have my best friend back.”)

The writer lends adequate voice to the dilemma the main character faces in her conflict at school with her best friend. (“ "Why do you always have to be the boss of everyone? No wonder no one likes you!" Then she walked away and left me standing there speechless. Those words rang over and over in my ears and I felt the sting of my tears streaming down from my cheeks. I couldn’t believe how a few words can make me feel like a thousand knives striking through me. The pain inside was indescribable.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics in the essay response. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), the sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, the sentences begin with capital letters, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ It was a warm sunny day when my best friend and I were doing a project in the third grade. Although it was sunny out, it was a very dreadful memory to remember. We were working on the project when we started having complications. I started telling her how to do it and what to do. She stared at me with anger and fire in her eyes and I knew just what she was thinking. I glared right back at her.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Many kids have conflicts at school being verbal, mental or physical. I’ve seen many conflicts at my school. Unfortunately I’ve had conflicts at school too. One of my many conflicts was started verbally and then escalated to being physical.

I was in sixth grade when it happened. It was going smoothly and just like any other day, then out of no where this boy came up to me and started calling me cruel names that I didn’t want to be called. It was the confrontation of the day and year. I was afraid because the boy was two times bigger than me. I was shocked because I rarely talked to him. When we went outside I told him to lay off the names and he wouldn’t so I started calling him names too because he irritated me. I called him way more cruel names. In the end he got really mad and he pushed me, but I have a rule if you touch me it’s going down meaning you’ll be on the floor the next second. Since he pushed me I reacted naturally and pushed him back and he fell on the ground. He was shocked because he thought since I am nice I wouldn’t defend myself but he was wrong. Since he was on the ground I started punching him, but a second later the dean came and broke the fight up.

As you can see my conflict started verbally and ended up physical. All though i might have had many conflicts I’d rather not go through that experience again. I wish I would have resolved the problem in a different matter. I hope that you don’t go through that experience either. Keep the peace at school or where ever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides limited focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides limited descriptions and details of the writer’s experiences with a conflict at school.

The essay states the main event. (“ I was in sixth grade when it happened. It was going smoothly and just like any other day, then out of no where this boy came up to me and started calling me cruel names that I didn’t want to be called. It was the confrontation of the day and year. I was afraid because the boy was two times bigger than me.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“ When we went outside I told him to lay off the names and he wouldn’t so I started calling him names too because he irritated me. I called him way more cruel names. In the end he got really mad and he pushed me, but I have a rule if you touch me it’s going down meaning you’ll be on the floor the next second.”)

The writer limits the development of the story by not including dialogue to aid in revealing the thoughts of the characters involved in the conflict. Instead of providing dialogue, the writer simply states what the main characters are feeling. (“ He was shocked because he thought since I am nice I wouldn’t defend myself but he was wrong.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. The tension/conflict of the story is stated, but it is not effectively developed. The writer reveals the main characters’ thoughts in a limited fashion. The essay fails to implement the use of dialogue to enhance the interactions of the characters involved in the conflict at school.

Limited details are used to develop the main events. For example, when the writer states that the dean of the school broke up the fight, the writer missed the opportunity to elaborate with details about the dean’s reaction to the conflict and the possible consequences of fighting in school. (“Since he was on the ground I started punching him, but a second later the dean came and broke the fight up.”)

The setting is developed in only limited detail. The writer reveals that the conflict takes place in school, but uses no sensory, descriptive details (how it looks, feels, smells, and so on) to assist readers in picturing the setting in their minds. (“ Many kids have conflicts at school being verbal, mental or physical. I’ve seen many conflicts at my school. Unfortunately I’ve had conflicts at school too.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“ I was afraid because the boy was two times bigger than me. I was shocked because I rarely talked to him.”)

There is limited development about what happened before the event. (“ I was in sixth grade when it happened. It was going smoothly and just like any other day, then out of no where this boy came up to me and started calling me cruel names that I didn’t want to be called. It was the confrontation of the day and year.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is also limited. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. Transitions may be weak, and the flow of the essay may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. The writer does provide readers with some sense of closure.

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention with details in the beginning. (“ Many kids have conflicts at school being verbal, mental or physical. I’ve seen many conflicts at my school. Unfortunately I’ve had conflicts at school too. One of my many conflicts was started verbally and then escalated to being physical.”)

Transitions are needed to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot more effectively. (“ Since he pushed me I reacted naturally and pushed him back and he fell on the ground. He was shocked because he thought since I am nice I wouldn’t defend myself but he was wrong. Since he was on the ground I started punching him, but a second later the dean came and broke the fight up.”)

The essay includes a limited ending and demonstrates a limited attempt to leave readers with something to think about. (“ I wish I would have resolved the problem in a different matter. I hope that you don’t go through that experience either. Keep the peace at school or where ever.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected in a limited way. (“ As you can see my conflict started verbally and ended up physical. All though i might have had many conflicts I’d rather not go through that experience again.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The essay exhibits simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ When we went outside I told him to lay off the names and he wouldn’t so I started calling him names too because he irritated me. I called him way more cruel names. In the end he got really mad and he pushed me, but I have a rule if you touch me it’s going down meaning you’ll be on the floor the next second.”)

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ I was in sixth grade when it happened.”)

Some word choices are used inappropriately in sentences. (“ All though i might have had many conflicts I’d rather not go through that experience again. I wish I would have resolved the problem in a different matter.”)

Some of the sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I called him way more cruel names. In the end he got really mad and he pushed me, but I have a rule if you touch me it’s going down meaning you’ll be on the floor the next second.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of conventions and mechanics in the essay response. There are a few noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should ensure correct spelling and word usage, as well as appropriate capitalization and punctuation within the essay response. (“All though i might have had many conflicts I’d rather not go through that experience again. I wish I would have resolved the problem in a different matter. I hope that you don’t go through that experience either. Keep the peace at school or where ever.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

During my sixth grade year I had a substitute teacher that in music class that would leave me alone about all my school work. I mean I was doing my work but he didn’t think I was. So he keeps asking me if I was doing my work and I was so the last time he asked me I yelled at him “I am doing my work" and he asked me about six times the whole class period. So before class was over he sent me down to the office, and I keep asking him why he is taking me to the office, And he keeps saying you weren’t cooperating in my classroom. And than I told him that I was. But his didn’t believe me.

So than I am at the office and the principal asks why I am there and the teacher says well his wasn’t cooperating. And I just keep telling him that I was he just didn’t believe me. So the principal asked one of the students in my class that was sit in next to me the whole time, and he asked him if I was ion my work. And he said yes I was doing my work the whole time. So the teacher says sorry and he gives me my points back for my citizenship grade and it was all good from there.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay exhibits minimal description and detail that does not enhance the writer’s experience in any way.

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“ During my sixth grade year I had a substitute teacher that in music class that would leave me alone about all my school work. I mean I was doing my work but he didn’t think I was.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the essay are stated minimally. (“So he keeps asking me if I was doing my work and I was so the last time he asked me I yelled at him “I am doing my work" and he asked me about six times the whole class period. So before class was over he sent me down to the office, and I keep asking him why he is taking me to the office, And he keeps saying you weren’t cooperating in my classroom. And than I told him that I was. But his didn’t believe me.”)

The audience is often not clear. (“ So than I am at the office and the principal asks why I am there and the teacher says well his wasn’t cooperating. And I just keep telling him that I was he just didn’t believe me.”)

The details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“So the principal asked one of the students in my class that was sit in next to me the whole time, and he asked him if I was ion my work. And he said yes I was doing my work the whole time. So the teacher says sorry and he gives me my points back for my citizenship grade and it was all good from there.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides minimal content and development that leaves readers with only a sketchy picture of the writer’s experience with a conflict in school. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are merely mentioned as part of the story and are not described or developed in any way. The narrative creates minimal tension or conflict to make the story interesting. There is very little dialogue used to reveal the characters’ thoughts throughout the story.

Minimal details are used to develop the main events. For example, the essay could have elaborated on the reasons why the teacher would think the writer was not doing the work in the class. The writer can provide a detailed scenario describing his/her actions during that moment that would illustrate for readers why the teacher would presume that the writer was not completing the assignment. Simply stating, “ I mean I was doing my work but he didn’t think I was” does not reveal the underlying reasons for the initial conflict.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“ During my sixth grade year I had a substitute teacher that in music class that would leave me alone about all my school work.”)

The writer introduces different characters in the narrative, but they are not developed in detail. (“ So than I am at the office and the principal asks why I am there and the teacher says well his wasn’t cooperating.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is not fully developed. (“ So he keeps asking me if I was doing my work and I was so the last time he asked me I yelled at him “I am doing my work" and he asked me about six times the whole class period.”)

There is little important information about what happened before the event. (“ During my sixth grade year I had a substitute teacher that in music class that would leave me alone about all my school work. I mean I was doing my work but he didn’t think I was.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is minimal at best. The writer provides an opening that briefly introduces the conflict, but the flow of story is difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The essay presents a very weak and abrupt ending that does little to summarize the events or lessons the writer may have learned from the experience.

The beginning only minimally grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ During my sixth grade year I had a substitute teacher that in music class that would leave me alone about all my school work. I mean I was doing my work but he didn’t think I was.”)

Transitions are needed to connect events in the story. (“ So before class was over he sent me down to the office, and I keep asking him why he is taking me to the office, And he keeps saying you weren’t cooperating in my classroom. And than I told him that I was. But his didn’t believe me.”)

The ending does not teach the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the story. (“ And he said yes I was doing my work the whole time. So the teacher says sorry and he gives me my points back for my citizenship grade and it was all good from there.”)

Details, words, or phrases are only minimally used in the beginning and ending to engage readers’ interests. (“ So before class was over he sent me down to the office, and I keep asking him why he is taking me to the office, And he keeps saying you weren’t cooperating in my classroom. And than I told him that I was. But his didn’t believe me.”)

Language Use & Style

There is minimal use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The writer also makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ So he keeps asking me if I was doing my work and I was so the last time he asked me I yelled at him “I am doing my work" and he asked me about six times the whole class period.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ During my sixth grade year I had a substitute teacher that in music class that would leave me alone about all my school work.”)

There is repetition. (“ So before class was over he sent me down to the office, and I keep asking him why he is taking me to the office, And he keeps saying you weren’t cooperating in my classroom. And than I told him that I was. But his didn’t believe me. So than I am at the office and the principal asks why I am there and the teacher says well his wasn’t cooperating. And I just keep telling him that I was he just didn’t believe me.”)

Transitions are needed so that the writer does not have to rely on the words “so” and “and” so much. (“ So the principal asked one of the students in my class that was sit in next to me the whole time, and he asked him if I was ion my work. And he said yes I was doing my work the whole time. So the teacher says sorry and he gives me my points back for my citizenship grade and it was all good from there.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in the essay response. The patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling can substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should be sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). The writer should ensure that correct spelling is used for selected word choices. Also, run-on sentences should be separated into individual thoughts, and appropriate capitalization and punctuation should be reviewed for a more effective essay response. (“During my sixth grade year I had a substitute teacher that in music class that would leave me alone about all my school work. I mean I was doing my work but he didn’t think I was. So he keeps asking me if I was doing my work and I was so the last time he asked me I yelled at him “I am doing my work" and he asked me about six times the whole class period. So before class was over he sent me down to the office, and I keep asking him why he is taking me to the office, And he keeps saying you weren’t cooperating in my classroom. And than I told him that I was. But his didn’t believe me.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

One Sunday I went to church. My Sunday school teca and I got in to a conflict. It was about school. Why I hve to go to school. I said why go to school past 8th grade. He said you sow I leran more. I leran more at home then I do at school. He said It is still good to go to school. Then I said I still leran more at home. No one won the confict. I do not like to fight with my teacher. Conflicts are not fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s focus and meaning in the response are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose of the essay, his/her intended audience, or the requirements of the prompt task. The essay reveals very little detail, some of which is repetitive in nature and does not advance the story in any way.

The writer does not adequately state the main event of the essay. (“One Sunday I went to church. My Sunday school teca and I got in to a conflict. It was about school.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the essay are not adequately stated. The writer tends to repeat supporting details, rather than elaborate on them. (“He said you sow I leran more. I leran more at home then I do at school. He said It is still good to go to school. Then I said I still leran more at home.”)

The audience for the essay is not clear. The writer needs to maintain focus on the purpose of the task and the audience by revealing sufficient details, which will provide readers with a clear picture of the conflict the writer experiences in the story. (“Why I hve to go to school. I said why go to school past 8th grade. He said you sow I leran more.”)

Content & Development

Content and development of ideas in the essay are inadequate. The narrative lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The writer introduces characters, but does not develop them in any way. The story lacks tension or conflict that would make the story more interesting to follow. Due to the lack of details, not much happens in the essay response.

There are inadequate details used to develop the main events of the essay. (“ My Sunday school teca and I got in to a conflict. It was about school.”)

The setting is not developed with any descriptive details. The writer reveals where the story takes place, but misses the opportunity to describe the setting with fuller details. This would help readers envision the setting of the conflict. (“ One Sunday I went to church.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. There are no sensory descriptions that would assist readers in learning more about these characters and their motivations. (“ My Sunday school teca and I got in to a conflict.”)

There is inadequate use of dialogue in the narrative. The writer does not identify the characters’ thoughts using quotations. What the characters do think or say aloud is very repetitive in nature; it does not advance the sequence of the story in any way. (“ I said why go to school past 8th grade. He said you sow I leran more. I leran more at home then I do at school. He said It is still good to go to school. Then I said I still leran more at home.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The essay has an opening that reveals the theme of a conflict, but the story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of the brief ideas presented.

The beginning of the story does not creatively grab readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Also, the beginning does not include adequate background information about the event. (“ One Sunday I went to church. My Sunday school teca and I got in to a conflict.”)

The ending does not leave readers with something to think about and does not teach readers a lesson. However, in a very limited fashion, the writer shares with the readers a lesson the writer learned from completing the essay. (“ No one won the confict . I do not like to fight with my teacher. Conflicts are not fun.”)

There are insufficient details, words, and phrases that would engage readers’ interests in the essay response. (“ Why I hve to go to school. I said why go to school past 8th grade. He said you sow I leran more. I leran more at home then I do at school.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates inadequate use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The essay exhibits unclear language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ One Sunday I went to church…It was about school.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ Why I hve to go to school.”)

There is repetition in the ideas presented in the narrative. (“ He said you sow I leran more. I leran more at home then I do at school. He said It is still good to go to school. Then I said I still leran more at home.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose of the response to the intended audience. (“ One Sunday I went to church. My Sunday school teca and I got in to a conflict. It was about school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate control over conventions and mechanics in the essay response. There are significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), that the use of paragraphing is incorporated to organize ideas, spell all selected word choices correctly, and check for capitalization and punctuation errors. (“One Sunday I went to church. My Sunday school teca and I got in to a conflict. It was about school. Why I hve to go to school. I said why go to school past 8th grade. He said you sow I leran more. I leran more at home then I do at school. He said It is still good to go to school. Then I said I still leran more at home. No one won the confict.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Cultural Heritage or Ancestry Narrative

As citizens of the United States of America , we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. What is your personal cultural heritage? When did your family immigrate to the United States ? What stories do you have to tell relating to your personal cultural heritage and ancestry?

Write a story about your personal cultural heritage or ancestry.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Back in the old times as things were getting bad, people began to migrate to what we now call The United States. My father's family migrated here from England and my mothers' family migrated here from Ireland . As my great grandparents began to travel here, they encountered a lot of problems.

While my Great Grandpa, William traveled with his wife and two kids the weather was harsh and snowy. The bitter cold was piercing their faces as they walked the cold weather. My Grandma, Leona, had gotten really sick along the way so she could not go on any further, so they stopped at an inn and she stayed back. Although she really did not want to stay away from her family she had no choice. They said their goodbyes and Grandpa and the two children moved along.

Meanwhile, as William traveled from England , Grandma Elizabeth was traveling about to the U.S. as well. Grandma was traveling alone though, and the weather was not cold and bitter. As she traveled she thought about what she would find in The U.S. She wondered if she would really find happiness there, if life would be better off for her in a brand new place. She also wondered if going there would really be worth it. Despite all of her doubts she had continued to travel.

William traveled with much less thought. He only worried that the kids would get ill as well. He knew that if the kids were to get sick they would have to cancel their journey and stay back in England instead of looking for better lifestyles in The U.S. The kids themselves were seven, and thirteen. They still were unsure as to why they were leaving all they knew behind but they had hope of more freedom in The U.S.

As William and the children traveled they would stop to rest and eat. They would gather items to put onto the boat with them, so that they would not run out of items and have to backtrack. The snow was still coming down as they walked but they tried to talk to keep it off of their minds.

Thirteen days later they had reached their boat. Twenty two other people had also joined that boat on an expedition to The U.S as well. The boat was small, and generally was only made to carry about ten people. Since the boat was so crowded they had little privacy and individual space. The boat was not very sanitary and had no general plumbing. As they traveled more people begin to get sick, and since they were in such a confined area, the germs traveled fast. The children began to get sick as well. The boat had no medical supplies, and no medicine. As the sickness began to get worse Grandpa William was forced to sail the ship. The previous guy appointed to sail to their destination had passed away.

Leona traveled alone on her boat. She had always liked to be alone. She kept a diary of all of her thoughts and conclusions. She loved to write about what she had hoped to find when she reached the destination. She didn't really know what to expect, she had only heard stories and seen pictures from her sister who had traveled over in need of independence but had to return because she felt homesick without her family. Leona had thought it looked beautiful and could not wait to see it herself.

As William was close enough to be able to see what he liked to call "The Promise Land", he got really excited. He began to shout and cheer. With no sailing experience he was surprised that he had managed to make it there with out losing all hope and control. Everyone began to find hope. They knew they could get medical care once they hit land and they were just thankful that they had made it. They reached land and Grandpa helped everyone off. They had settled in Maine and began to make a new life there. Grandma had promised to come over once she felt "up for the venture" and she wished her family luck and love. It was everything they had imagined.

When Leona's boat had reached land she settled in Rhode Island . Her journey to the states had been smooth. She did a lot of thinking and imagining and she knew what she had to come. As she stepped ff the boat she was amazed. Everything her sister had told her and had shown her, was now in front of her own eyes and at her own touch. She broke down and cried. She now had so much hope for herself and could not wait to start her new life.

My family had traveled here from two different places. They had two different journeys and completely different expectations. Grandpa William likes to think that coming here was his best choice, but he has his doubts. Grandma Leona Promises she couldn't have made a better choice than to come here. Everything she had hoped to find she found here, and that is all that mattered to her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this narrative. The story demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The story states the main event very effectively. (“ Back in the old times as things were getting bad, people began to migrate to what we now call The United States. My father's family migrated here from England and my mothers' family migrated here from Ireland . As my great grandparents began to travel here, they encountered a lot of problems.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. (“ Thirteen days later they had reached their boat. Twenty two other people had also joined that boat on an expedition to The U.S as well. The boat was small, and generally was only made to carry about ten people. Since the boat was so crowded they had little privacy and individual space. The boat was not very sanitary and had no general plumbing. As they traveled more people begin to get sick, and since they were in such a confined area, the germs traveled fast. The children began to get sick as well. The boat had no medical supplies, and no medicine. As the sickness began to get worse Grandpa William was forced to sail the ship. The previous guy appointed to sail to their destination had passed away.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“While my Great Grandpa, William traveled with his wife and two kids the weather was harsh and snowy. The bitter cold was piercing their faces as they walked the cold weather.”)

Content & Development

The narrative provides content and development that are very effective. There is a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“Thirteen days later they had reached their boat. Twenty two other people had also joined that boat on an expedition to The U.S as well. The boat was small, and generally was only made to carry about ten people. Since the boat was so crowded they had little privacy and individual space. The boat was not very sanitary and had no general plumbing. As they traveled more people begin to get sick, and since they were in such a confined area, the germs traveled fast. The children began to get sick as well. The boat had no medical supplies, and no medicine. As the sickness began to get worse Grandpa William was forced to sail the ship. The previous guy appointed to sail to their destination had passed away.”)

The characters are developed in very effective detail. (“Leona traveled alone on her boat. She had always liked to be alone. She kept a diary of all of her thoughts and conclusions. She loved to write about what she had hoped to find when she reached the destination. She didn't really know what to expect, she had only heard stories and seen pictures from her sister who had traveled over in need of independence but had to return because she felt homesick without her family. Leona had thought it looked beautiful and could not wait to see it herself.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“While my Great Grandpa, William traveled with his wife and two kids the weather was harsh and snowy. The bitter cold was piercing their faces as they walked the cold weather. My Grandma, Leona, had gotten really sick along the way so she could not go on any further, so they stopped at an inn and she stayed back. Although she really did not want to stay away from her family she had no choice. They said their goodbyes and Grandpa and the two children moved along.”)

Organization

The story is characterized by very effective organization. It captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, as well as an ending that pulls the entire story together.

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Meanwhile, as William traveled from England , Grandma Elizabeth was traveling about to the U.S. as well. Grandma was traveling alone though, and the weather was not cold and bitter. As she traveled she thought about what she would find in The U.S.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“My family had traveled here from two different places. They had two different journeys and completely different expectations. Grandpa William likes to think that coming here was his best choice, but he has his doubts. Grandma Leona Promises she couldn't have made a better choice than to come here. Everything she had hoped to find she found here, and that is all that mattered to her.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected very effectively, as the writer first introduces his/her family, and then tells the story from a third-person perspective, before finally bringing the perspective back to the first person. (“Back in the old times as things were getting bad, people began to migrate to what we now call The United States. My father's family migrated here from England and my mothers' family migrated here from Ireland . As my great grandparents began to travel here, they encountered a lot of problems. … My family had traveled here from two different places. They had two different journeys and completely different expectations. Grandpa William likes to think that coming here was his best choice, but he has his doubts. Grandma Leona Promises she couldn't have made a better choice than to come here. Everything she had hope to find she found here, and that is all that mattered to her.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is seen in the story. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are used as well.

The following two paragraphs are aligned well through language and tone. (“ Leona traveled alone on her boat. She had always liked to be alone. She kept a diary of all of her thoughts and conclusions. She loved to write about what she had hoped to find when she reached the destination. She didn't really know what to expect, she had only heard stories and seen pictures from her sister who had traveled over in need of independence but had to return because she felt homesick without her family. Leona had thought it looked beautiful and could not wait to see it herself. …As William was close enough to be able to see what he liked to call ‘The Promise Land’, he got really excited. He began to shout and cheer. With no sailing experience he was surprised that he had managed to make it there with out losing all hope and control. Everyone began to find hope. They knew they could get medical care once they hit land and they were just thankful that they had made it. They reached land and Grandpa helped everyone off. They had settled in Maine and began to make a new life there. Grandma had promised to come over once she felt ‘up for the venture’ and she wished her family luck and love. It was everything they had imagined.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ While my Great Grandpa, William traveled with his wife and two kids the weather was harsh and snowy. The bitter cold was piercing their faces as they walked the cold weather. My Grandma, Leona, had gotten really sick along the way so she could not go on any further, so they stopped at an inn and she stayed back. Although she really did not want to stay away from her family she had no choice. They said their goodbyes and Grandpa and the two children moved along. …Meanwhile, as William traveled from England , Grandma Elizabeth was traveling about to the U.S. as well. Grandma was traveling alone though, and the weather was not cold and bitter. As she traveled she thought about what she would find in The U.S. She wondered if she would really find happiness there, if life would be better off for her in a brand new place. She also wondered if going there would really be worth it. Despite all of her doubts she had continued to travel.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ As they traveled more people begin to get sick, and since they were in such a confined area, the germs traveled fast.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this story. Few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Meanwhile, as William traveled from England , Grandma Elizabeth was traveling about to the U.S. as well.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I walk towards the shopping center located about four blocks from my house. As I am about to turn the corner I could already smell the scrumptious aromas of different dishes, glazing sweet orange chicken, spicy Mediterranean rice, and tortillas stuffed with savory meat and oozing cheese.

When I go home I open the door and breathe in the scent of home. My house is inspired by my parent's childhood, lots of pets, and a kitchen that makes miracle food. Home is paella, fire hot salsa, and warm tortillas baking over the gas stove. Yes, this is a typical day in a Mexican-American's house. I would think my mom would be a superb chef. Grandma Narcisa, my mom's mom, used to run a restaurant beside her brothers and children in Matamoros , Tamaulipas.

My mom tells me of the family's restaurant and how she tempted to pick off the plates. She tells me of what a typical day was like for her, going to school, come home and help in the restaurant, then sit and watch her uncle coach his baseball team. I have the curiosity of asking my mom how her dad was like, "He immigrated from Spain where his family's occupation was to wave a red flag in front of furious bulls, hija."

My dad's family comes from central Mexico , near the capital. They used to run the family's ranch which has been in their family for four generations. My dad decided to migrate the United States in 1970, he left all of his ten other siblings and his parents to run the ranch, my dad was looking for a better opportunity, a better lifestyle, a job. My mom later migrated to the United States eight years later, already married to my dad, she thought to raise her family and give her children a better education than she has had.

Both my parents come from a huge family, you would think they would have a huge family, but they only had my sister and me. My sister and I became the first generation born in Texas . My parents raised us, teaching us about our heritage and our ancestry. My sister Marybelle and I both agreed that the best part of having a Mexican background is to eat homemade Mexican food.

I love to learn about other cultures and especially eating their unique food. I never gave a thought that my own culture is a special one and makes up the person I am. Beautiful colorful paintings that take you to unknown places, delicious tacos filled with red juicy tomatoes and crunchy lettuce, and rythmic music played with the passionate guitar, all mix to for me. Who thought that my past, my culture, would be so interesting?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident in the student’s narrative. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. In addition, description and details are provided that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is stated effectively. (“I walk towards the shopping center located about four blocks from my house. As I am about to turn the corner I could already smell the scrumptious aromas of different dishes, glazing sweet orange chicken, spicy Mediterranean rice, and tortillas stuffed with savory meat and oozing cheese.”)

The setting (where and when the story takes place) is developed effectively. (“When I go home I open the door and breathe in the scent of home. My house is inspired by my parent's childhood, lots of pets, and a kitchen that makes miracle food. Home is paella, fire hot salsa, and warm tortillas baking over the gas stove. Yes, this is a typical day in a Mexican-American's house. I would think my mom would be a superb chef. Grandma Narcisa, my mom's mom, used to run a restaurant beside her brothers and children in Matamoros , Tamaulipas.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“I walk towards the shopping center located about four blocks from my house. As I am about to turn the corner I could already smell the scrumptious aromas of different dishes, glazing sweet orange chicken, spicy Mediterranean rice, and tortillas stuffed with savory meat and oozing cheese.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are shown in the story. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. He/she additionally establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“My dad's family comes from central Mexico , near the capital. They used to run the family's ranch which has been in their family for four generations. My dad decided to migrate the United States in 1970, he left all of his ten other siblings and his parents to run the ranch, my dad was looking for a better opportunity, a better lifestyle, a job. My mom later migrated to the United States eight years later, already married to my dad, she thought to raise her family and give her children a better education than she has had.”)

There is effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“ When I go home I open the door and breathe in the scent of home. My house is inspired by my parent's childhood, lots of pets, and a kitchen that makes miracle food. Home is paella, fire hot salsa, and warm tortillas baking over the gas stove. Yes, this is a typical day in a Mexican-American's house.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed effectively. (“My mom tells me of the family's restaurant and how she tempted to pick off the plates. She tells me of what a typical day was like for her, going to school, come home and help in the restaurant, then sit and watch her uncle coach his baseball team. I have the curiosity of asking my mom how her dad was like, ‘He immigrated from Spain where his family's occupation was to wave a red flag in front of furious bulls, hija.’”)

Organization

Good organization is exhibited in the story. The opening of the narrative excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development and an ending that provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ I walk towards the shopping center located about four blocks from my house. As I am about to turn the corner I could already smell the scrumptious aromas of different dishes, glazing sweet orange chicken, spicy Mediterranean rice, and tortillas stuffed with savory meat and oozing cheese.”)

The ending demonstrates an effective attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ I love to learn about other cultures and especially eating their unique food. I never gave a thought that my own culture is a special one and makes up the person I am. Beautiful colorful paintings that take you to unknown places, delicious tacos filled with red juicy tomatoes and crunchy lettuce, and rythmic music played with the passionate guitar, all mix to for me. Who thought that my past, my culture, would be so interesting?”)

Details, words, or phrases are used effectively in the beginning and ending to engage the readers’ interests. (“ I walk towards the shopping center located about four blocks from my house. As I am about to turn the corner I could already smell the scrumptious aromas of different dishes, glazing sweet orange chicken, spicy Mediterranean rice, and tortillas stuffed with savory meat and oozing cheese. …I love to learn about other cultures and especially eating their unique food. I never gave a thought that my own culture is a special one and makes up the person I am. Beautiful colorful paintings that take you to unknown places, delicious tacos filled with red juicy tomatoes and crunchy lettuce, and rythmic music played with the passionate guitar, all mix to for me. Who thought that my past, my culture, would be so interesting?”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the story is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are seen as well.

The language and tone are consistent in the use of imagery and descriptive language. (“ I walk towards the shopping center located about four blocks from my house. As I am about to turn the corner I could already smell the scrumptious aromas of different dishes, glazing sweet orange chicken, spicy Mediterranean rice, and tortillas stuffed with savory meat and oozing cheese.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ When I go home I open the door and breathe in the scent of home. My house is inspired by my parent's childhood, lots of pets, and a kitchen that makes miracle food. Home is paella, fire hot salsa, and warm tortillas baking over the gas stove. Yes, this is a typical day in a Mexican-American's house. I would think my mom would be a superb chef. Grandma Narcisa, my mom's mom, used to run a restaurant beside her brothers and children in Matamoros , Tamaulipas. …My mom tells me of the family's restaurant and how she tempted to pick off the plates. She tells me of what a typical day was like for her, going to school, come home and help in the restaurant, then sit and watch her uncle coach his baseball team. I have the curiosity of asking my mom how her dad was like, ‘He immigrated from Spain where his family's occupation was to wave a red flag in front of furious bulls, hija.’”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ My parents raised us, teaching us about our heritage and our ancestry.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control over the use of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this narrative. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ When I go home I open the door and breathe in the scent of home. My house is inspired by my parent's childhood, lots of pets, and a kitchen that makes miracle food.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Mexicans rock! I believe we are the happiest people on the planet. We can find someone and decide we love them. There are less divorces for Mexicans than any other people on the planet! My family has not had divorces in the family in a long time. (Not including my parents) My family believed in love at first sight.

At the steak dinner his steak flew off his plate and landed with a plop on the floor! He was tomato red. I felt so bad for him when I heard that. Slowly he crept the steak up to his plate while he thought she wasn't watching. The date was a success! It was the romantic story of how my Abuelita (grandma) and Abuelito (grandpa) went on their first date. When my dad told me the story I burst out laughing hysterically. It was a fantastic story. My dad says he still denies it whole heartily but my Abuelita knows it is true! Then he was embarrassed but now I know in his mind he is looking back and laughing at it! My Abuelito and Abuelita are now a happy couple and I am happy that they found each other. If they didn't then I wouldn't be born.

My favorite Mexican fiesta is Dia de los Muertos. Its English version is called Day of the Dead. It is on November 1 and 2 of every year. The first day is for deceased adolescents that have died. We celebrate their lives. We bring them their favorite food and drink. The second day is to celebrate adults we also have dances on this day. It is a depressing day but it is also fun because it is almost like we are with the people that died.

I wish I could celebrate this day with my hispanic family. We can't though. When you live all the way across the state you don't get to see your family more than once a year.

I love my heritage and I am proud of it! I love it because it is fun learning what my ancestors did when they were my age. I am so happy I can be a part of it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are present in this piece. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task with description and details that are relevant to the story.

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“At the steak dinner his steak flew off his plate and landed with a plop on the floor! He was tomato red. I felt so bad for him when I heard that. Slowly he crept the steak up to his plate while he thought she wasn't watching. The date was a success! It was the romantic story of how my Abuelita (grandma) and Abuelito (grandpa) went on their first date. When my dad told me the story I burst out laughing hysterically. It was a fantastic story. My dad says he still denies it whole heartily but my Abuelita knows it is true! Then he was embarrassed but now I know in his mind he is looking back and laughing at it! My Abuelito and Abuelita are now a happy couple and I am happy that they found each other. If they didn't then I wouldn't be born.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are adequately developed. (“At the steak dinner his steak flew off his plate and landed with a plop on the floor! He was tomato red. I felt so bad for him when I heard that. Slowly he crept the steak up to his plate while he thought she wasn't watching. The date was a success! It was the romantic story of how my Abuelita (grandma) and Abuelito (grandpa) went on their first date. When my dad told me the story I burst out laughing hysterically. It was a fantastic story. My dad says he still denies it whole heartily but my Abuelita knows it is true! Then he was embarrassed but now I know in his mind he is looking back and laughing at it! My Abuelito and Abuelita are now a happy couple and I am happy that they found each other. If they didn't then I wouldn't be born.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are adequately developed. (“ At the steak dinner his steak flew off his plate and landed with a plop on the floor! He was tomato red. I felt so bad for him when I heard that. Slowly he crept the steak up to his plate while he thought she wasn't watching.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development in the story are apparent. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. He/she establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“At the steak dinner his steak flew off his plate and landed with a plop on the floor! He was tomato red. I felt so bad for him when I heard that. Slowly he crept the steak up to his plate while he thought she wasn't watching. The date was a success! It was the romantic story of how my Abuelita (grandma) and Abuelito (grandpa) went on their first date. When my dad told me the story I burst out laughing hysterically. It was a fantastic story. My dad says he still denies it whole heartily but my Abuelita knows it is true! Then he was embarrassed but now I know in his mind he is looking back and laughing at it! My Abuelito and Abuelita are now a happy couple and I am happy that they found each other. If they didn't then I wouldn't be born.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“At the steak dinner his steak flew off his plate and landed with a plop on the floor! He was tomato red. I felt so bad for him when I heard that. Slowly he crept the steak up to his plate while he thought she wasn't watching. The date was a success! It was the romantic story of how my Abuelita (grandma) and Abuelito (grandpa) went on their first date. When my dad told me the story I burst out laughing hysterically. It was a fantastic story. My dad says he still denies it whole heartily but my Abuelita knows it is true! Then he was embarrassed but now I know in his mind he is looking back and laughing at it! My Abuelito and Abuelita are now a happy couple and I am happy that they found each other. If they didn't then I wouldn't be born.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“ My Abuelito and Abuelita are now a happy couple and I am happy that they found each other. If they didn't then I wouldn't be born.”)

Organization

The model story is organized adequately. It provides an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Mexicans rock! I believe we are the happiest people on the planet. We can find someone and decide we love them. There are less divorces for Mexicans than any other people on the planet! My family has not had divorces in the family in a long time. (Not including my parents) My family believed in love at first sight.”)

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ Mexicans rock! I believe we are the happiest people on the planet. We can find someone and decide we love them. There are less divorces for Mexicans than any other people on the planet! My family has not had divorces in the family in a long time. (Not including my parents) My family believed in love at first sight.”)

The ending states a lesson the writer learned after completing the story. (“ I love my heritage and I am proud of it! I love it because it is fun learning what my ancestors did when they were my age. I am so happy I can be a part of it!”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are present in this narrative. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ I wish I could celebrate this day with my hispanic family. We can't though. When you live all the way across the state you don't get to see your family more than once a year.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “heritage” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ I love my heritage and I am proud of it!”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, in the following excerpt, “less” should be changed to “fewer.” (“ There are less divorces for Mexicans than any other people on the planet!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the story. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ It was a fantastic story. My dad says he still denies it whole heartily but my Abuelita knows it is true!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. my personal heritage relies on our traditions and food. our food is so delicous it's just the same american food most people eat,like,barbeque chicken,chicken enchladas and my favorite dessert peach cobler. some of our traditions are that we celebrate ours birthdays on that same exact day. though some people like my brothers dad is this kind of religon that never celebrates holidays i can not remember what it is called but it is very interesting.

we also celebrate the following holidays like valentines,easter,st. patricks day,halloween,thanksgiving and christmas. in my family celebrating holidays are a good thing to do for family and friends. we love celebrating holidays its a way to be with family and have fun. sometimes on new years we go outside bang pans and take a sip of apple cider or wine just a tiny bit no harm is done by sippping a little bit of wine. it is all fun in games when it comes to family partys.

my family is true mormon pioneers but for me and my brother we're hlaf black. we also have scottish and english in us. so i dont know where most of my family came from, but im proud t be what i am. so i know a little bit about most of my culture or some people would say cultures and very many cultures mixed into one. i love all my cultures and i aslo love the religon that i am (wich is mormon by the way)and i'm proud to be what i am. so many great cultures mixed into one. yeah well now you now know what some of my culture is.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The student narrative exhibits limited focus and meaning. The story demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Furthermore, it provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated limitedly. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. my personal heritage relies on our traditions and food. our food is so delicous it's just the same american food most people eat,like,barbeque chicken,chicken enchladas and my favorite dessert peach cobler. some of our traditions are that we celebrate ours birthdays on that same exact day. though some people like my brothers dad is this kind of religon that never celebrates holidays i can not remember what it is called but it is very interesting.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“we also celebrate the following holidays like valentines,easter,st. patricks day,halloween,thanksgiving and christmas. in my family celebrating holidays are a good thing to do for family and friends. we love celebrating holidays its a way to be with family and have fun. sometimes on new years we go outside bang pans and take a sip of apple cider or wine just a tiny bit no harm is done by sippping a little bit of wine. it is all fun in games when it comes to family partys.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“my family is true mormon pioneers but for me and my brother we're hlaf black. we also have scottish and english in us. so i dont know where most of my family came from, but im proud t be what i am. so i know a little bit about most of my culture or some people would say cultures and very many cultures mixed into one. i love all my cultures and i aslo love the religon that i am (wich is mormon by the way)and i'm proud to be what i am. so many great cultures mixed into one. yeah well now you now know what some of my culture is.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are provided in the story. There is an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but the narrative lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated, but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“we also celebrate the following holidays like valentines,easter,st. patricks day,halloween,thanksgiving and christmas. in my family celebrating holidays are a good thing to do for family and friends. we love celebrating holidays its a way to be with family and have fun. sometimes on new years we go outside bang pans and take a sip of apple cider or wine just a tiny bit no harm is done by sippping a little bit of wine. it is all fun in games when it comes to family partys.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“ some of our traditions are that we celebrate ours birthdays on that same exact day. though some people like my brothers dad is this kind of religon that never celebrates holidays i can not remember what it is called but it is very interesting.”)

The plot is limited. (“we also celebrate the following holidays like valentines,easter,st. patricks day,halloween,thanksgiving and christmas. in my family celebrating holidays are a good thing to do for family and friends. we love celebrating holidays its a way to be with family and have fun. sometimes on new years we go outside bang pans and take a sip of apple cider or wine just a tiny bit no harm is done by sippping a little bit of wine. it is all fun in games when it comes to family partys.”)

Organization

Limited organization is clear to readers of the story. The narrative provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, but readers are provided with some sense of closure.

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ we also celebrate the following holidays like valentines,easter,st. patricks day,halloween,thanksgiving and christmas.”)

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. my personal heritage relies on our traditions and food. our food is so delicous it's just the same american food most people eat,like,barbeque chicken,chicken enchladas and my favorite dessert peach cobler. some of our traditions are that we celebrate ours birthdays on that same exact day. though some people like my brothers dad is this kind of religon that never celebrates holidays i can not remember what it is called but it is very interesting.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ my family is true mormon pioneers but for me and my brother we're hlaf black. we also have scottish and english in us. so i dont know where most of my family came from, but im proud t be what i am. so i know a little bit about most of my culture or some people would say cultures and very many cultures mixed into one. i love all my cultures and i aslo love the religon that i am (wich is mormon by the way)and i'm proud to be what i am. so many great cultures mixed into one. yeah well now you now know what some of my culture is.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the narrative is limited. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ we love celebrating holidays its a way to be with family and have fun. sometimes on new years we go outside bang pans and take a sip of apple cider or wine just a tiny bit no harm is done by sippping a little bit of wine.”)

There is repetition, as the word “food” is repeated several times in the following excerpt: “ my personal heritage relies on our traditions and food. our food is so delicous it's just the same american food most people eat,like,barbeque chicken,chicken enchladas and my favorite dessert peach cobler.”

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate any purpose to the intended audience. (“ my family is true mormon pioneers but for me and my brother we're hlaf black. we also have scottish and english in us. so i dont know where most of my family came from, but im proud t be what i am. so i know a little bit about most of my culture or some people would say cultures and very many cultures mixed into one. i love all my cultures and i aslo love the religon that i am (wich is mormon by the way)and i'm proud to be what i am. so many great cultures mixed into one. yeah well now you now know what some of my culture is.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story shows evidence of limited control over the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ we also celebrate the following holidays like valentines,easter,st. patricks day,halloween,thanksgiving and christmas.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

We all differ in our cultural or ancestral backround . Our barbaques are very important we call them carne asada ( grilled meat ). The kids mostly play games and tell stories while the adults dance and talk about their jobs . Quincenera are very important to girls. Quinceneras are when a girl becomes a woman . The dances are hard to remember ,because there are 15 boys and 1 girl .

Food is really important ,my favorites are mole, enchiladas, and tacos. Mole is chiken with a type of spicey chocolate that is melted. Enchiladas are tortias coverd with salsa . Enchiladas have chiken wrapped in the tortia . Enchiladas are coverd with melted cheese . Tacos are mostly sold outside where the wind could spred the smell .

our langauge was brought over from Spain thats why its called spanish

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This brief narrative shows minimal focus and meaning. The content demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task with description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“We all differ in our cultural or ancestral backround . Our barbaques are very important we call them carne asada ( grilled meat ). The kids mostly play games and tell stories while the adults dance and talk about their jobs . Quincenera are very important to girls. Quinceneras are when a girl becomes a woman . The dances are hard to remember ,because there are 15 boys and 1 girl .”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“We all differ in our cultural or ancestral backround . Our barbaques are very important we call them carne asada ( grilled meat ). The kids mostly play games and tell stories while the adults dance and talk about their jobs . Quincenera are very important to girls. Quinceneras are when a girl becomes a woman . The dances are hard to remember ,because there are 15 boys and 1 girl .”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Food is really important ,my favorites are mole, enchiladas, and tacos. Mole is chiken with a type of spicey chocolate that is melted. Enchiladas are tortias coverd with salsa . Enchiladas have chiken wrapped in the tortia . Enchiladas are coverd with melted cheese . Tacos are mostly sold outside where the wind could spred the smell . …our langauge was brought over from Spain thats why its called Spanish”)

Content & Development

The narrative contains minimal content and development. A minimally developed plot and setting are provided along with characters that are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The narrative also lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“Food is really important ,my favorites are mole, enchiladas, and tacos. Mole is chiken with a type of spicey chocolate that is melted. Enchiladas are tortias coverd with salsa . Enchiladas have chiken wrapped in the tortia . Enchiladas are coverd with melted cheese . Tacos are mostly sold outside where the wind could spred the smell . our langauge was brought over from Spain thats why its called Spanish”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“We all differ in our cultural or ancestral backround . Our barbaques are very important we call them carne asada ( grilled meat ). The kids mostly play games and tell stories while the adults dance and talk about their jobs . Quincenera are very important to girls. Quinceneras are when a girl becomes a woman . The dances are hard to remember ,because there are 15 boys and 1 girl .”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“Food is really important ,my favorites are mole, enchiladas, and tacos. Mole is chiken with a type of spicey chocolate that is melted. Enchiladas are tortias coverd with salsa . Enchiladas have chiken wrapped in the tortia . Enchiladas are coverd with melted cheese . Tacos are mostly sold outside where the wind could spred the smell .”)

Organization

Readers of this story will detect minimal organization. The narrative provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. In addition, the flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, little evidence of an ending is demonstrated.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ We all differ in our cultural or ancestral backround . Our barbaques are very important we call them carne asada ( grilled meat ). The kids mostly play games and tell stories while the adults dance and talk about their jobs . Quincenera are very important to girls. Quinceneras are when a girl becomes a woman . The dances are hard to remember ,because there are 15 boys and 1 girl .”)

Events/topics are often not clearly in order, with no clear transitions. (“ Food is really important ,my favorites are mole, enchiladas, and tacos. Mole is chiken with a type of spicey chocolate that is melted. Enchiladas are tortias coverd with salsa . Enchiladas have chiken wrapped in the tortia . Enchiladas are coverd with melted cheese . Tacos are mostly sold outside where the wind could spred the smell . …our langauge was brought over from Spain thats why its called spanish”)

The story only minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ our langauge was brought over from Spain thats why its called spanish”)

Language Use & Style

This brief narrative is characterized by minimal use of language and style. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ Our barbaques are very important we call them carne asada (grilled meat ).”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ Quincenera are very important to girls. Quinceneras are when a girl becomes a woman .”)

There is repetition, as three consecutive sentences in the second paragraph begin with “enchiladas.” (“ Enchiladas are tortias coverd with salsa . Enchiladas have chiken wrapped in the tortia . Enchiladas are coverd with melted cheese .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is apparent throughout the narrative. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“our langauge was brought over from Spain thats why its called spanish”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The narrative demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning, with almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Very little detail is also provided, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

The story does not state the main event. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

Content & Development

Content within the narrative is developed inadequately. The story l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

Organization

Organization in this story is clearly inadequate. It may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The narrative lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

The story includes no clear ending. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

Details, words, or phrases are not used to engage the readers’ interests. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

Language Use & Style

The story contains inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

There is repetition, with the term “Mormon” repeated throughout the short piece. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate any purpose to the intended audience. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is conveyed in this narrative. Errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“we all differ in our cultural heritage or ancestral background. i am from a wicked awsome country called CANADA ! It is pretty much the same as the U.S.A. I am a mormon. i love being mormon because it is the true church. because I am mormon I read the book of mormon. it is awsome!”)

Day When Everything Goes Wrong

Everyone has experienced a day when it seems that everything just goes wrong. Write a story about a day when everything goes wrong.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was an overcast day in the neighborhood. Everything was quiet, except for the occasional dog barking. There was a thick blanket of fog that coated the neighborhood. The trees swayed as the wind swept across the sky. Then, all of a sudden, the silence was broken.

From one of the houses came a loud, screeching sound. It was the Johnsons' house. This house was known as the "Haunted House." The way the house was built made it look as if there was a face on the house. There were two misshapen windows on the second floor of the house. The window on the right was boarded up with wood and nails. The window on the left was slightly cracked. At the entrance, there was a massive oak door that was off its hinges. There was an odor that blanketed the house. The family who lived there was always grumpy. From one of the windows came the horrid sound of a screeching alarm clock. Inside, a scrawny boy awoke and rubbed his eyes. His name was Robbie Johnson. He reached towards the alarm to turn it off. He was anxious about the first day of school, which was today. As he stood up, he didn't notice a tennis ball by his bed. He stepped on it and slipped. His back hit the ground with such an impact, that you would've thought he had broken his back. He sighed. This was a bad way to start his day.

While he walked down the rickety stairs, he hoped that the rest of his day would be better. As he walked, he wasn't aware of his cat, Nelson, who was sleeping on the stairs. He stepped right on top of the cat. It screeched so loud, that all the birds outside fluttered away. Robbie was startled and he fell down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, he started feeling miserable. He checked himself to make sure he was okay, and then he walked into the kitchen. After a good breakfast of waffles and milk, he got dressed and rushed out the door. Halfway towards the bus stop, he noticed that he forgot his sack lunch. Robbie dashed back and snatched it off the counter. When he got to the bus stop, he saw the bus starting to leave. Robbie felt as if everything was going against him today. He sighed in misery as he watched the bus go down the hill. Robbie decided that if he didn't want to be late for school, he would have to start walking now. Determined, he started to walk towards the school.

He walked alone on the streets of his neighborhood. The cold wind blew against Robbie; he shivered as he tried to keep himself warm. Soon, he could make out the shape of the school in the distance, hidden behind all the fog. He was happy he wasn't late, but he spoke too soon. Just as he neared the school, he heard the bell ring for the beginning of the school day. He groaned and ran towards the main office to get his tardy slip. After he had gotten his slip, he walked through the empty hallways of the school, searching for his class. After many long minutes, he finally found his class, room 308. He took a deep breath and walked in. The door creaked as Robbie headed in the room. It had a musty smell, and his teacher looked ancient. His teacher, Mr. Burns, had wrinkles all over his face. His skin was stretched tightly over his skull. Tiny strands of hair stood on his head. He looked at Robbie through his thick glasses and said in his scratchy voice, "Please, take a seat." Robbie found a seat in the back of class. He took out his history book and got ready for the lesson.

One by one, Robbie's eyes started to droop. He got tired of listening to the teacher drone on and on about medieval castles. Before long, he was snoring. The whole class burst into laughter. Robbie awoke, and was embarrassed in front of his classmates. His teacher gave him detention and told him to stay after class. The bell rang and everyone ran towards the cafeteria for lunch. During lunch, he saw a really pretty girl. Her name was Annie Bellmont. She had long eyelashes and shiny blond hair. Her blue eyes looked like diamonds. He stood there with his mouth wide open. He was amazed at how pretty a girl could be. Behind him, the school bully snuck up on him. His name was Bruce. He had a large body with spiky hair, and had large muscles. In his hand, he held a milk carton. Robbie turned around and saw him, but it was too late. Before Robbie could react, Bruce had spilled the chocolate milk on Robbie. All of Bruce's friends sneered as Robbie ran into the bathroom, crying. He washed up and calmed himself down.

After lunch was over, his day didn't get any better. He had a pop quiz on what he learned in history, the class he fell asleep in, and the principal also called him up to the office to talk about the pitfalls of falling asleep in class. After a horrible first day at school, he walked home sullenly. It was quiet, but all of a sudden, someone called out his name. He turned around to find the girl who he had thought was extremely beautiful. He blushed and tried to say something poetic, but nothing came out. She giggled. After they got to know each other a little better, she asked if he was okay. She realized the humiliation he felt and shared with him how Bruce bullied everyone in the school. As they neared Robbie's house, they said their goodbyes.

Robbie walked into his house, and thought about the girl. Maybe he would have a friend. Maybe he would even have a girlfriend. He smiled and thought about what the rest of the year would be like. Even though today was a bad day, something good had happened. He smiled and walked towards his room.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen to the main character. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are with Robbie as he goes through a day that goes wrong. (“One by one, Robbie's eyes started to droop. He got tired of listening to the teacher drone on and on about medieval castles. Before long, he was snoring. The whole class burst into laughter. Robbie awoke, and was embarrassed in front of his classmates. His teacher gave him detention and told him to stay after class. The bell rang and everyone ran towards the cafeteria for lunch. During lunch, he saw a really pretty girl. Her name was Annie Bellmont. She had long eyelashes and shiny blond hair. Her blue eyes looked like diamonds. He stood there with his mouth wide open. He was amazed at how pretty a girl could be. Behind him, the school bully snuck up on him. His name was Bruce. He had a large body with spiky hair, and had large muscles. In his hand, he held a milk carton. Robbie turned around and saw him, but it was too late. Before Robbie could react, Bruce had spilled the chocolate milk on Robbie. All of Bruce's friends sneered as Robbie ran into the bathroom, crying. He washed up and calmed himself down.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the theme of the prompt. Readers are pulled into the home and school scenarios and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the main character’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in a day when everything goes wrong. (“From one of the houses came a loud, screeching sound. It was the Johnsons' house. This house was known as the ‘Haunted House.’ The way the house was built made it look as if there was a face on the house. There were two misshapen windows on the second floor of the house. The window on the right was boarded up with wood and nails. The window on the left was slightly cracked. At the entrance, there was a massive oak door that was off its hinges. There was an odor that blanketed the house. The family who lived there was always grumpy. From one of the windows came the horrid sound of a screeching alarm clock. Inside, a scrawny boy awoke and rubbed his eyes. His name was Robbie Johnson. He reached towards the alarm to turn it off. He was anxious about the first day of school, which was today. As he stood up, he didn't notice a tennis ball by his bed. He stepped on it and slipped. His back hit the ground with such an impact, that you would've thought he had broken his back. He sighed. This was a bad way to start his day.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the main character’s experience. (“After lunch was over, his day didn't get any better. He had a pop quiz on what he learned in history, the class he fell asleep in, and the principal also called him up to the office to talk about the pitfalls of falling asleep in class. After a horrible first day at school, he walked home sullenly. It was quiet, but all of a sudden, someone called out his name. He turned around to find the girl who he had thought was extremely beautiful. He blushed and tried to say something poetic, but nothing came out. She giggled. After they got to know each other a little better, she asked if he was okay. She realized the humiliation he felt and shared with him how Bruce bullied everyone in the school. As they neared Robbie's house, they said their goodbyes.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the story. The writer clearly establishes moments in the day that went wrong and the main character’s experiences in dealing with them, one by one. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a bully that humiliates Robbie in front of a pretty girl. (“During lunch, he saw a really pretty girl. Her name was Annie Bellmont. She had long eyelashes and shiny blond hair. Her blue eyes looked like diamonds. He stood there with his mouth wide open. He was amazed at how pretty a girl could be. Behind him, the school bully snuck up on him. His name was Bruce. He had a large body with spiky hair, and had large muscles. In his hand, he held a milk carton. Robbie turned around and saw him, but it was too late. Before Robbie could react, Bruce had spilled the chocolate milk on Robbie. All of Bruce's friends sneered as Robbie ran into the bathroom, crying. He washed up and calmed himself down.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is experiencing a day that goes wrong, even before he arrives to his first day of school. (“He was anxious about the first day of school, which was today. As he stood up, he didn't notice a tennis ball by his bed. He stepped on it and slipped. His back hit the ground with such an impact, that you would've thought he had broken his back. He sighed. This was a bad way to start his day. While he walked down the rickety stairs, he hoped that the rest of his day would be better. As he walked, he wasn't aware of his cat, Nelson, who was sleeping on the stairs. He stepped right on top of the cat. It screeched so loud, that all the birds outside fluttered away. Robbie was startled and he fell down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, he started feeling miserable. He checked himself to make sure he was okay, and then he walked into the kitchen. After a good breakfast of waffles and milk, he got dressed and rushed out the door. Halfway towards the bus stop, he noticed that he forgot his sack lunch. Robbie dashed back and snatched it off the counter. When he got to the bus stop, he saw the bus starting to leave. Robbie felt as if everything was going against him today.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the ways Robbie’s first day of school goes wrong throughout the narrative. (“After many long minutes, he finally found his class, room 308. He took a deep breath and walked in. The door creaked as Robbie headed in the room. It had a musty smell, and his teacher looked ancient. His teacher, Mr. Burns, had wrinkles all over his face. His skin was stretched tightly over his skull. Tiny strands of hair stood on his head. He looked at Robbie through his thick glasses and said in his scratchy voice, ‘Please, take a seat.’ Robbie found a seat in the back of class. He took out his history book and got ready for the lesson. One by one, Robbie's eyes started to droop. He got tired of listening to the teacher drone on and on about medieval castles. Before long, he was snoring. The whole class burst into laughter. Robbie awoke, and was embarrassed in front of his classmates. His teacher gave him detention and told him to stay after class.”)

Organization

The story’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a descriptive opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the opening scene of the story to introduce the main character to the intended audience. (“It was an overcast day in the neighborhood. Everything was quiet, except for the occasional dog barking. There was a thick blanket of fog that coated the neighborhood. The trees swayed as the wind swept across the sky. Then, all of a sudden, the silence was broken. From one of the houses came a loud, screeching sound. It was the Johnsons' house. This house was known as the "Haunted House." The way the house was built made it look as if there was a face on the house. There were two misshapen windows on the second floor of the house. The window on the right was boarded up with wood and nails. The window on the left was slightly cracked. At the entrance, there was a massive oak door that was off its hinges. There was an odor that blanketed the house. The family who lived there was always grumpy. From one of the windows came the horrid sound of a screeching alarm clock. Inside, a scrawny boy awoke and rubbed his eyes. His name was Robbie Johnson.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“He walked alone on the streets of his neighborhood. The cold wind blew against Robbie; he shivered as he tried to keep himself warm. Soon, he could make out the shape of the school in the distance, hidden behind all the fog. He was happy he wasn't late, but he spoke too soon. Just as he neared the school, he heard the bell ring for the beginning of the school day. He groaned and ran towards the main office to get his tardy slip. After he had gotten his slip, he walked through the empty hallways of the school, searching for his class. After many long minutes, he finally found his class, room 308. He took a deep breath and walked in.”)

The story ends on a positive note as the main character reflects on the good things that came out of a day that went wrong. (“Robbie walked into his house, and thought about the girl. Maybe he would have a friend. Maybe he would even have a girlfriend. He smiled and thought about what the rest of the year would be like. Even though today was a bad day, something good had happened. He smiled and walked towards his room.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate some of the moments in Robbie’s day that had gone horribly wrong. (“ While he walked down the rickety stairs, he hoped that the rest of his day would be better. As he walked, he wasn't aware of his cat, Nelson, who was sleeping on the stairs. He stepped right on top of the cat. It screeched so loud, that all the birds outside fluttered away. Robbie was startled and he fell down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, he started feeling miserable. He checked himself to make sure he was okay, and then he walked into the kitchen. After a good breakfast of waffles and milk, he got dressed and rushed out the door.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ One by one, Robbie's eyes started to droop. He got tired of listening to the teacher drone on and on about medieval castles. Before long, he was snoring. The whole class burst into laughter. Robbie awoke, and was embarrassed in front of his classmates. His teacher gave him detention and told him to stay after class. The bell rang and everyone ran towards the cafeteria for lunch. During lunch, he saw a really pretty girl. Her name was Annie Bellmont. She had long eyelashes and shiny blond hair. Her blue eyes looked like diamonds. He stood there with his mouth wide open. He was amazed at how pretty a girl could be. Behind him, the school bully snuck up on him. His name was Bruce. He had a large body with spiky hair, and had large muscles. In his hand, he held a milk carton. Robbie turned around and saw him, but it was too late. Before Robbie could react, Bruce had spilled the chocolate milk on Robbie. All of Bruce's friends sneered as Robbie ran into the bathroom, crying. He washed up and calmed himself down.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s pain as he goes through a day that goes wrong. (“ From one of the windows came the horrid sound of a screeching alarm clock. Inside, a scrawny boy awoke and rubbed his eyes. His name was Robbie Johnson. He reached towards the alarm to turn it off. He was anxious about the first day of school, which was today. As he stood up, he didn't notice a tennis ball by his bed. He stepped on it and slipped. His back hit the ground with such an impact, that you would've thought he had broken his back. He sighed. This was a bad way to start his day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ The cold wind blew against Robbie; he shivered as he tried to keep himself warm. Soon, he could make out the shape of the school in the distance, hidden behind all the fog. He was happy he wasn't late, but he spoke too soon.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was a dark gloomy morning, when Kevin rubbed his eyes and yawned while getting out of bed. He looked at his alarm clock; the time was 7:50am. He quickly jumped out of bed and grabbed a plaid flannel and dark black jeans. Rushing to the bathroom, he only had time to brush his teeth, not his hair. Because he didn't hear his alarm clock ring this morning, he even had to skip breakfast! As his PE teacher, Mr. Rogers, would always tell the class during health, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." His mother hurriedly rushed him out of the door and into the car. Great, just what he needed: traffic.

One minute before the school bell rang, Kevin ran into his classroom and got in his seat. He just remembered that it was Thursday’s schedule, not Friday, meaning he went to the wrong class. Embarrassingly covering his face as he walked out of the class, he went to the correct class, which was history.

"Kevin! Why are you late?" Mrs. Smith interrogated.

"I went to the wrong classroom because I thought it was Friday schedule. Sorry, this won't happen again," Kevin apologized. "Very well, go to your seat so I can begin my lesson," Mrs. Smith instructed.

Kevin was unable to stay awake at all in this class. On top of that, he was constantly yawning.

"Didn't you read the 'Hint of the Week' Kevin? Cover your mouth when you yawn please," Mrs. Smith told him.

"Yes Mrs. Smith," he replied.

As the day passed, it was finally lunch. He went to sit at the lunch patio where all his friends are. Frantically looking in his backpack, he just remembered that he forgot his lunch money, due to the fact that he rushed out of the house this morning.

"Now I'm tired and hungry. Can this day just get any better?" he muttered under his breath.

Desperately sitting at the lunch patio, he watched all his friends stuff down their delicious lunches such as, a meatball marinara sandwich, fried rice, chicken curry, and more. The smell was one hundred times more tempting than usual because he was so famished. For the rest of the lunch period, all he did was sit at the lunch tables watching everyone else enjoy their meal. Lunch ended and they went to their next period. Now, it was finally time to go to their last class, and in Kevin's case, this was his most dreaded class, Math. Although he was in the school's Algebra Honors class, he was still struggling to preserve his grade.

"Alright class, clear off your desks," Mrs. Jones said.

"Oh no, it's a pop quiz! I am so going to fail it," Kevin's classmate, Tiffany whispered to her friend.

"Same here Tiffany," Jennifer reassured.

Kevin watched as Mrs. Jones was passing out the quizzes. He was already having a horrible day, so he was definitely not ready to take a pop quiz that will make his horrible grade even worse. For the whole testing time, all he could do was tap his pencil on his head, and consistently erase the answers he wrote on his paper. The last problem completely stumped him. It was something like, 4x - (x + 2) = 2x + 4(5 - 2x). He had no idea what to do because he was still unsure about problems like these.

"Okay, I want you all to pass your quizzes up," Mrs. Jones told the class.

While quizzes were being passed up, his classmates began to chat with one another, and a lot of their conversations were "What did you get for #5?", "Really? Okay I got that too!" and so on. It was only one minute before school was out, so everyone was packing up.

"Kevin, can you come over here for a second?" Mrs. Jones asked. Quickly walking over to her desk, "Yes Mrs. Jones?" he replied.

"You have a detention afterschool today. Sorry that this is so last minute, but I just got it a couple minutes ago."

"It's okay, but why do I have a detention?"

"You were tardy to school three times. Sorry buddy."

By this point, he was enraged. The fact that he was last to class this morning, left his lunch money at home and probably failed his pop quiz, now, he even has detention. Once detention was over, he walked back home because his parents were still at work, but he also left his house key at home. He had to wait outside the house until 6:00pm for his mother to come home before he can get in the house. He saw his mother approaching the driveway in her car. She took out the house key and walked towards the front door.

"Oh Kevin dear, why are you waiting outside the house?" his mother asked sweetly while opening the door.

"I left my house key on my desk last night and forget to get it this morning," he replied.

"I see, well just don't let that happen again next time okay? You don't want to sit outside and wait for me to come home."

"Yes mom."

After all this trouble today, the only favorable thing that happened was he didn't have any homework. Because he woke up so late this morning, it completely ruined his day. Now that he learned his lesson, he will never wake up that late again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the narrative. He/she demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on events occurring that contribute to a day when everything goes wrong. (“It was a dark gloomy morning, when Kevin rubbed his eyes and yawned while getting out of bed. He looked at his alarm clock; the time was 7:50am. He quickly jumped out of bed and grabbed a plaid flannel and dark black jeans. Rushing to the bathroom, he only had time to brush his teeth, not his hair. Because he didn't hear his alarm clock ring this morning, he even had to skip breakfast!”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“‘Oh Kevin dear, why are you waiting outside the house?’ his mother asked sweetly while opening the door. ‘I left my house key on my desk last night and forget to get it this morning,’ he replied. ‘I see, well just don't let that happen again next time okay? You don't want to sit outside and wait for me to come home.’ ‘Yes mom.’ After all this trouble today, the only favorable thing that happened was he didn't have any homework. Because he woke up so late this morning, it completely ruined his day. Now that he learned his lesson, he will never wake up that late again.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides many moments that culminate in a day that goes wrong. (“While quizzes were being passed up, his classmates began to chat with one another, and a lot of their conversations were ‘What did you get for #5?’, "Really? Okay I got that too!’ and so on. It was only one minute before school was out, so everyone was packing up. ‘Kevin, can you come over here for a second?’ Mrs. Jones asked. Quickly walking over to her desk, ‘Yes Mrs. Jones?’ he replied. ‘You have a detention afterschool today. Sorry that this is so last minute, but I just got it a couple minutes ago.’

‘It's okay, but why do I have a detention?’ ‘You were tardy to school three times. Sorry buddy.’”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character during a day that goes wrong. (“One minute before the school bell rang, Kevin ran into his classroom and got in his seat. He just remembered that it was Thursday’s schedule, not Friday, meaning he went to the wrong class. Embarrassingly covering his face as he walked out of the class, he went to the correct class, which was history. ‘Kevin! Why are you late?’ Mrs. Smith interrogated.

‘I went to the wrong classroom because I thought it was Friday schedule. Sorry, this won't happen again,’ Kevin apologized. ‘Very well, go to your seat so I can begin my lesson,’ Mrs. Smith instructed. Kevin was unable to stay awake at all in this class. On top of that, he was constantly yawning. ‘Didn't you read the 'Hint of the Week' Kevin? Cover your mouth when you yawn please,’ Mrs. Smith told him. ‘Yes Mrs. Smith,’ he replied.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ Desperately sitting at the lunch patio, he watched all his friends stuff down their delicious lunches such as, a meatball marinara sandwich, fried rice, chicken curry, and more. The smell was one hundred times more tempting than usual because he was so famished. For the rest of the lunch period, all he did was sit at the lunch tables watching everyone else enjoy their meal. Lunch ended and they went to their next period. Now, it was finally time to go to their last class, and in Kevin's case, this was his most dreaded class, Math.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“‘Alright class, clear off your desks,’ Mrs. Jones said. ‘Oh no, it's a pop quiz! I am so going to fail it,’ Kevin's classmate, Tiffany whispered to her friend. ‘Same here Tiffany,’ Jennifer reassured. Kevin watched as Mrs. Jones was passing out the quizzes. He was already having a horrible day, so he was definitely not ready to take a pop quiz that will make his horrible grade even worse. For the whole testing time, all he could do was tap his pencil on his head, and consistently erase the answers he wrote on his paper. The last problem completely stumped him. It was something like, 4x - (x + 2) = 2x + 4(5 - 2x). He had no idea what to do because he was still unsure about problems like these.”)

Organization

The story effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ It was a dark gloomy morning, when Kevin rubbed his eyes and yawned while getting out of bed. He looked at his alarm clock; the time was 7:50am. He quickly jumped out of bed and grabbed a plaid flannel and dark black jeans. Rushing to the bathroom, he only had time to brush his teeth, not his hair. Because he didn't hear his alarm clock ring this morning, he even had to skip breakfast! As his PE teacher, Mr. Rogers, would always tell the class during health, ‘Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.’ His mother hurriedly rushed him out of the door and into the car. Great, just what he needed: traffic.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ As the day passed, it was finally lunch. He went to sit at the lunch patio where all his friends are. Frantically looking in his backpack, he just remembered that he forgot his lunch money, due to the fact that he rushed out of the house this morning. ‘Now I'm tired and hungry. Can this day just get any better?’ he muttered under his breath.”)

The story ends with a lesson learned and gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ After all this trouble today, the only favorable thing that happened was he didn't have any homework. Because he woke up so late this morning, it completely ruined his day. Now that he learned his lesson, he will never wake up that late again.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Desperately sitting at the lunch patio, he watched all his friends stuff down their delicious lunches such as, a meatball marinara sandwich, fried rice, chicken curry, and more. The smell was one hundred times more tempting than usual because he was so famished. For the rest of the lunch period, all he did was sit at the lunch tables watching everyone else enjoy their meal. Lunch ended and they went to their next period. Now, it was finally time to go to their last class, and in Kevin's case, this was his most dreaded class, Math. Although he was in the school's Algebra Honors class, he was still struggling to preserve his grade.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“‘ Alright class, clear off your desks,’ Mrs. Jones said. ‘Oh no, it's a pop quiz! I am so going to fail it,’ Kevin's classmate, Tiffany whispered to her friend. ‘Same here Tiffany,’ Jennifer reassured. Kevin watched as Mrs. Jones was passing out the quizzes. He was already having a horrible day, so he was definitely not ready to take a pop quiz that will make his horrible grade even worse. For the whole testing time, all he could do was tap his pencil on his head, and consistently erase the answers he wrote on his paper. The last problem completely stumped him. It was something like, 4x - (x + 2) = 2x + 4(5 - 2x). He had no idea what to do because he was still unsure about problems like these.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the many ways Kevin’s day goes wrong. (“ By this point, he was enraged. The fact that he was last to class this morning, left his lunch money at home and probably failed his pop quiz, now, he even has detention. Once detention was over, he walked back home because his parents were still at work, but he also left his house key at home. He had to wait outside the house until 6:00pm for his mother to come home before he can get in the house. He saw his mother approaching the driveway in her car. She took out the house key and walked towards the front door. ‘Oh Kevin dear, why are you waiting outside the house?’ his mother asked sweetly while opening the door. ‘I left my house key on my desk last night and forget to get it this morning,’ he replied. ‘I see, well just don't let that happen again next time okay? You don't want to sit outside and wait for me to come home.’ ‘Yes mom.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and line breaks are used to indicate new paragraphs. (“ While quizzes were being passed up, his classmates began to chat with one another, and a lot of their conversations were ‘What did you get for #5?’, ‘Really? Okay I got that too!’ and so on. It was only one minute before school was out, so everyone was packing up. ‘Kevin, can you come over here for a second?’ Mrs. Jones asked. Quickly walking over to her desk, ‘Yes Mrs. Jones?’ he replied. ‘You have a detention afterschool today. Sorry that this is so last minute, but I just got it a couple minutes ago.’”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Beep Beep! The alarm clock rang noisily as I jumped up in disbelief. The clock read 8:10, only five minutes before school started! I sprang up from my bed like a ninja, and rushed to get dressed. By the time I was ready to go to school, I ran out the door, only then realizing that I had to walk to school since I had missed the bus. What a nice way to start off the day.

When I arrived at school, it was 9:10 already, and the start of second period. I trudged to math class where I slumped into the chair, my stomach grumbling since I had skipped breakfast. My mind was half asleep when the teacher was explaining how to solve inequality equations, but suddenly, the teacher announced that she was going to hand out the graded tests that we took last week. I was relieved; I knew I had done a good job on the test, but when I recieved mine, all I could see was a big, fat, red F on my paper. This day was just getting worse and worse.

I sprinted out of the class after the second the bell rang, only to trip over a banana and land face down on the floor, with my mouth bleeding. I cupped my mouth, and a bloody tooth landed in my hand. I stared at it in horror. All of my baby teeth fell out already, which means that I had suddenly lost an adult tooth! I lumbered to the nurse’s office, hoping that this bad day would end quickly.

I gloomily walked to the next class, band, and we practiced marching outside. The hot sun burned my back; I only saw white everywhere, and suddenly, black. When I awoke, I saw many people surrounding me with anxious and worried faces. They told me I had fainted and that my alto saxophone, an extremely heavy instrument, had fallen on top of me minutes ago. I went to the health office again, wishing for this day to end.

It was lunchtime, and Alice, a nice but overreacting friend, stormed towards me, looking furious. "I used to think you were nice but you spreading rumors about me? Well, that is just crossing the line." She yelled at me angrily, and marched off. I stood there in confusion, thinking how girls these days always had to overreact. This day was getting worse and worse by the minute.

After school ended, I arrived home, where I accidentally burned my finger, bumped into the wall, which caused a big bruise, had a fight with my family, and got grounded. It was finally time to sleep, and I felt relieved, knowing that tomorrow would be another day. This horrible day was over. Finally.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the theme of the story subtly and somewhat adequately. (“Beep Beep! The alarm clock rang noisily as I jumped up in disbelief. The clock read 8:10, only five minutes before school started! I sprang up from my bed like a ninja, and rushed to get dressed. By the time I was ready to go to school, I ran out the door, only then realizing that I had to walk to school since I had missed the bus. What a nice way to start off the day.”)

The writer focuses on the main theme of the day that goes wrong throughout the story. (“I sprinted out of the class after the second the bell rang, only to trip over a banana and land face down on the floor, with my mouth bleeding. I cupped my mouth, and a bloody tooth landed in my hand. I stared at it in horror. All of my baby teeth fell out already, which means that I had suddenly lost an adult tooth! I lumbered to the nurse’s office, hoping that this bad day would end quickly. I gloomily walked to the next class, band, and we practiced marching outside. The hot sun burned my back; I only saw white everywhere, and suddenly, black. When I awoke, I saw many people surrounding me with anxious and worried faces. They told me I had fainted and that my alto saxophone, an extremely heavy instrument, had fallen on top of me minutes ago. I went to the health office again, wishing for this day to end.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“It was lunchtime, and Alice, a nice but overreacting friend, stormed towards me, looking furious. ‘I used to think you were nice but you spreading rumors about me? Well, that is just crossing the line.’ She yelled at me angrily, and marched off. I stood there in confusion, thinking how girls these days always had to overreact. This day was getting worse and worse by the minute. After school ended, I arrived home, where I accidentally burned my finger, bumped into the wall, which caused a big bruise, had a fight with my family, and got grounded. It was finally time to sleep, and I felt relieved, knowing that tomorrow would be another day. This horrible day was over. Finally.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting along with relevant and believable characters. The events in the day that goes wrong hold readers’ suspense for what will happen throughout the story. However, the writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of some dialogue in a very limited way.

The writer should use more dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts throughout the narrative. (“It was lunchtime, and Alice, a nice but overreacting friend, stormed towards me, looking furious. ‘I used to think you were nice but you spreading rumors about me? Well, that is just crossing the line.’ She yelled at me angrily, and marched off.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“When I arrived at school, it was 9:10 already, and the start of second period. I trudged to math class where I slumped into the chair, my stomach grumbling since I had skipped breakfast. My mind was half asleep when the teacher was explaining how to solve inequality equations, but suddenly, the teacher announced that she was going to hand out the graded tests that we took last week. I was relieved; I knew I had done a good job on the test, but when I recieved mine, all I could see was a big, fat, red F on my paper. This day was just getting worse and worse.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when a friend accuses the main character of spreading rumors; however, additional details are needed so readers are not left with questions concerning the incident. (“It was lunchtime, and Alice, a nice but overreacting friend, stormed towards me, looking furious. ‘I used to think you were nice but you spreading rumors about me? Well, that is just crossing the line.’ She yelled at me angrily, and marched off. I stood there in confusion, thinking how girls these days always had to overreact. This day was getting worse and worse by the minute.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the dubious start to the writer’s day. (“ Beep Beep! The alarm clock rang noisily as I jumped up in disbelief. The clock read 8:10, only five minutes before school started! I sprang up from my bed like a ninja, and rushed to get dressed. By the time I was ready to go to school, I ran out the door, only then realizing that I had to walk to school since I had missed the bus. What a nice way to start off the day.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“I sprinted out of the class after the second the bell rang, only to trip over a banana and land face down on the floor, with my mouth bleeding. I cupped my mouth, and a bloody tooth landed in my hand. I stared at it in horror. All of my baby teeth fell out already, which means that I had suddenly lost an adult tooth! I lumbered to the nurse’s office, hoping that this bad day would end quickly. I gloomily walked to the next class, band, and we practiced marching outside.”)

The story’s conclusion gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ After school ended, I arrived home, where I accidentally burned my finger, bumped into the wall, which caused a big bruise, had a fight with my family, and got grounded. It was finally time to sleep, and I felt relieved, knowing that tomorrow would be another day. This horrible day was over. Finally.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ When I arrived at school, it was 9:10 already, and the start of second period. I trudged to math class where I slumped into the chair, my stomach grumbling since I had skipped breakfast. My mind was half asleep when the teacher was explaining how to solve inequality equations, but suddenly, the teacher announced that she was going to hand out the graded tests that we took last week.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes a day when things go wrong. (“ I sprinted out of the class after the second the bell rang, only to trip over a banana and land face down on the floor, with my mouth bleeding. I cupped my mouth, and a bloody tooth landed in my hand. I stared at it in horror. All of my baby teeth fell out already, which means that I had suddenly lost an adult tooth! I lumbered to the nurse’s office, hoping that this bad day would end quickly.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ It was lunchtime, and Alice, a nice but overreacting friend, stormed towards me, looking furious. ‘I used to think you were nice but you spreading rumors about me? Well, that is just crossing the line.’ She yelled at me angrily, and marched off. I stood there in confusion, thinking how girls these days always had to overreact. This day was getting worse and worse by the minute.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should be spelled and used correctly and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ I was relieved; I knew I had done a good job on the test, but when I recieved mine, all I could see was a big, fat, red F on my paper. This day was just getting worse and worse.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It all started a rainy morning when I woke up sleepily. I got out of my comfy and fluffy bed and unfortunetly, my big fat feet got all tangled in the sheets and as I try to get out of bed I fall flat on my face leaving a big bump on my forehead. As I get up my head starts to ache but I still get dressed and go to my bathroom to brush my teeth. When I stick the toothbrush in my mouth I spit out the disgusting thing in reovolt because instead of putting toothpaste on I put liquid soap, bitter and disgusting. I forget about brushing my teeth and skip breakfast since my appetite is already spoiled. Then, I hear the blaring sound of our school's bus and rush towards it with my backpack on. Once I am inside I hope that school will be better than my horrible morning at home.

Boy was I wrong, I step out of the school bus and walk to my first class and favorite class, science. As I enter the class our teacher Mr. Smith starts to hand out the tests we did last week on a scantron. As I got mine back I expected a glorious A and instead got a big fat F on the top. As I reviewed the test I realized that I skipped the first question and the rest were all one late. I stare at the test in disgust and think of a way to break it gently to my folks. As the bell rings I pack up and head on to my next class, history. As I walk slowly to class, a kid throws a spray can at me and I catch it. Chasing him was a group of teachers that saw me holding the evidence. As they walk up to me they grab my arm harshly and drag me up to the principal's office where I am lectured at by the mean old teacher Mr. Jones telling me that spray painting the walls of the school is wrong. At first I try to say that I am innocent but I give up when he said that he would not hear it. In the end, I luckily weasel my way out of suspention and only get one detention.

As the day ends my dad comes to pick me up and I told them all the revolting things that happended to me today. At first he is furious yelling me that I am grounded for two months without electronics, but then he starts to calm down and relax. However, I do not. I am in complete tears for the entire ride home. Once we get home, I run to my bedroom and jump onto my bed and hope that tommorow will be tons better than this no good, vey bad day!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“It all started a rainy morning when I woke up sleepily. I got out of my comfy and fluffy bed and unfortunetly, my big fat feet got all tangled in the sheets and as I try to get out of bed I fall flat on my face leaving a big bump on my forehead.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the things that made the day go horribly wrong. (“When I stick the toothbrush in my mouth I spit out the disgusting thing in reovolt because instead of putting toothpaste on I put liquid soap, bitter and disgusting. I forget about brushing my teeth and skip breakfast since my appetite is already spoiled.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. The writer presents problems in his/her day but does not provide sufficient details for the readers to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“As I walk slowly to class, a kid throws a spray can at me and I catch it. Chasing him was a group of teachers that saw me holding the evidence. As they walk up to me they grab my arm harshly and drag me up to the principal's office where I am lectured at by the mean old teacher Mr. Jones telling me that spray painting the walls of the school is wrong. At first I try to say that I am innocent but I give up when he said that he would not hear it. In the end, I luckily weasel my way out of suspention and only get one detention.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The story reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters using limited details. The writer discusses many things that make the day go wrong but should elaborate with specific details. Notably, the writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“Boy was I wrong, I step out of the school bus and walk to my first class and favorite class, science. As I enter the class our teacher Mr. Smith starts to hand out the tests we did last week on a scantron. As I got mine back I expected a glorious A and instead got a big fat F on the top.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces supporting characters but does not describe them in any way. (“As they walk up to me they grab my arm harshly and drag me up to the principal's office where I am lectured at by the mean old teacher Mr. Jones telling me that spray painting the walls of the school is wrong. At first I try to say that I am innocent but I give up when he said that he would not hear it.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“As the day ends my dad comes to pick me up and I told them all the revolting things that happended to me today. At first he is furious yelling me that I am grounded for two months without electronics, but then he starts to calm down and relax.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. (“ It all started a rainy morning when I woke up sleepily. I got out of my comfy and fluffy bed and unfortunetly, my big fat feet got all tangled in the sheets and as I try to get out of bed I fall flat on my face leaving a big bump on my forehead. As I get up my head starts to ache but I still get dressed and go to my bathroom to brush my teeth.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the story. (“ As the day ends my dad comes to pick me up and I told them all the revolting things that happended to me today. At first he is furious yelling me that I am grounded for two months without electronics, but then he starts to calm down and relax. However, I do not.”)

The writer provides an ending that gives the readers a limited sense of closure; however, it does not reveal lessons learned or give the audience something to think about as the story draws to an end. (“ Once we get home, I run to my bedroom and jump onto my bed and hope that tommorow will be tons better than this no good, vey bad day!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The story reveals an attempt at descriptive language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentence lengths are short. (“ However, I do not. I am in complete tears for the entire ride home.”)

The writer attempts to use descriptions to enhance portions of the story. (“ As I get up my head starts to ache but I still get dressed and go to my bathroom to brush my teeth. When I stick the toothbrush in my mouth I spit out the disgusting thing in reovolt because instead of putting toothpaste on I put liquid soap, bitter and disgusting. I forget about brushing my teeth and skip breakfast since my appetite is already spoiled. Then, I hear the blaring sound of our school's bus and rush towards it with my backpack on. Once I am inside I hope that school will be better than my horrible morning at home.”)

Some sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Once we get home, I run to my bedroom and jump onto my bed and hope that tommorow will be tons better than this no good, vey bad day!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, begins with a capital letter, and is indented when beginning a new paragraph. The writer should also check for correct spelling of words and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“It all started a rainy morning when I woke up sleepily. I got out of my comfy and fluffy bed and unfortunetly, my big fat feet got all tangled in the sheets and as I try to get out of bed I fall flat on my face leaving a big bump on my forehead.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

One day on a wensday Iwas heading to school in my moms car. At the time I wasnt feeling well,so I told my mom. She did not beleive me at all. During lunch break I wasnt feeling good I went to the nurse and my mom had to pick me up because I had a fever. Then I started laughing at her because she didnt believe me. I asked politely with my puppy dog eyes if we could go to Pizza Hut but she said, " no thats what you get for been sick all of a sudden. Maybe I got her mad because she was at her job working. I thought parents were soposed to like staying out of work.

She drove me home. I fell asleep for about an hour or two. When I woke up I decided to play video games, but she didnt let me. So I fell asleep again while my mom was waching television. I woke up felling better and I gasped because basketball try outs were on wensday at 6:00 at the gym. I told my mom if we could go. She said NO. I was just so madI througha bouncy ball at the wall so hard yo could bairly see the ball move and it came back and it hit my head I nocked out for a while and I poped the ball with one of my grandmas sewing needles. My mom heard the noise she thought i sneezed I said,"it was the ball that poped." She didnt believe me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer minimally states the main event of the story. (“One day on a wensday Iwas heading to school in my moms car. At the time I wasnt feeling well,so I told my mom. She did not beleive me at all. During lunch break I wasnt feeling good I went to the nurse and my mom had to pick me up because I had a fever.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of a day when everything goes wrong. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I woke up felling better and I gasped because basketball try outs were on wensday at 6:00 at the gym. I told my mom if we could go. She said NO. I was just so madI througha bouncy ball at the wall so hard yo could bairly see the ball move and it came back and it hit my head I nocked out for a while and I poped the ball with one of my grandmas sewing needles.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Maybe I got her mad because she was at her job working. I thought parents were soposed to like staying out of work. She drove me home. I fell asleep for about an hour or two.”)

Content & Development

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the problem in his/her day, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“During lunch break I wasnt feeling good I went to the nurse and my mom had to pick me up because I had a fever. Then I started laughing at her because she didnt believe me. I asked politely with my puppy dog eyes if we could go to Pizza Hut but she said, ‘ no thats what you get for been sick all of a sudden. Maybe I got her mad because she was at her job working. I thought parents were soposed to like staying out of work.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“She drove me home. I fell asleep for about an hour or two. When I woke up I decided to play video games, but she didnt let me. So I fell asleep again while my mom was waching television.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“My mom heard the noise she thought i sneezed I said,’it was the ball that poped.’”)

Organization

The beginning does not clearly state the purpose of the story. (“ One day on a wensday Iwas heading to school in my moms car. At the time I wasnt feeling well,so I told my mom. She did not beleive me at all.”)

Transitions are minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ She drove me home. I fell asleep for about an hour or two. When I woke up I decided to play video games, but she didnt let me. So I fell asleep again while my mom was waching television. I woke up felling better and I gasped because basketball try outs were on wensday at 6:00 at the gym.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal ending. The story fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ I told my mom if we could go. She said NO. I was just so madI througha bouncy ball at the wall so hard yo could bairly see the ball move and it came back and it hit my head I nocked out for a while and I poped the ball with one of my grandmas sewing needles. My mom heard the noise she thought i sneezed I said,’it was the ball that poped.’ She didnt believe me.”)

Language Use & Style

There is repetition in the story. (“ At the time I wasnt feeling well,so I told my mom. She did not beleive me at all. During lunch break I wasnt feeling good I went to the nurse and my mom had to pick me up because I had a fever. Then I started laughing at her because she didnt believe me.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ I was just so madI througha bouncy ball at the wall so hard yo could bairly see the ball move and it came back and it hit my head I nocked out for a while and I poped the ball with one of my grandmas sewing needles.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ My mom heard the noise she thought i sneezed I said,’it was the ball that poped.’ She didnt believe me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“When I woke up I decided to play video games, but she didnt let me. So I fell asleep again while my mom was waching television. I woke up felling better and I gasped because basketball try outs were on wensday at 6:00 at the gym.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

THE DAY WHEN EVERYTHING GOES WRONG

When I woke up it seemed like a normal day, until I fell down the stairs. I wasn't hurt, but i had a feeling that today was going to be a bad day. Then, I went to eat breakfast and my bag wsa riped so it can not hold my stuff so i went to use a trash can bag to hold my stuff.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The story does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is inadequately stated, and the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the prompt task. (“ When I woke up it seemed like a normal day, until I fell down the stairs. I wasn't hurt, but i had a feeling that today was going to be a bad day.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“Then, I went to eat breakfast and my bag wsa riped so it can not hold my stuff so i went to use a trash can bag to hold my stuff.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“When I woke up it seemed like a normal day, until I fell down the stairs. I wasn't hurt, but i had a feeling that today was going to be a bad day.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Supporting characters are not introduced or developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the character’s surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ When I woke up it seemed like a normal day, until I fell down the stairs.”)

The writer does not introduce supporting characters in the story. (“I wasn't hurt, but i had a feeling that today was going to be a bad day. Then, I went to eat breakfast and my bag wsa riped…”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the character may think or say aloud. (“I wasn't hurt, but i had a feeling that today was going to be a bad day.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the story is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a day when everything goes wrong. (“ When I woke up it seemed like a normal day, until I fell down the stairs.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ Then, I went to eat breakfast and my bag wsa riped…”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ Then, I went to eat breakfast and my bag wsa riped so it can not hold my stuff so i went to use a trash can bag to hold my stuff.”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“… I went to eat breakfast and my bag wsa riped…”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“… so it can not hold my stuff so i went to use a trash can bag to hold my stuff.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“When I woke up it seemed like a normal day, until I fell down the stairs. I wasn't hurt, but i had a feeling that today was going to be a bad day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The story is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Then, I went to eat breakfast and my bag wsa riped so it can not hold my stuff so i went to use a trash can bag to hold my stuff.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Duct Tape Saves the Day

Duct tape has many unique and useful qualities. It is used in all sorts of situations to build, fix, and rescue. It also inspires new ideas and inventions. Astronauts have used NASA-brand duct tape in space during the Apollo 13 mission and to repair tiles on the space shuttle. Think of the properties of duct tape and how it might be used creatively to 'save the day.'

Write a unique story with duct tape as either the main character or as a tool/resource used by the main character to fix a dire situation and 'save the day.' Make your story interesting and unusual so that your audience will want to read every word.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I feel the fresh, salty breeze pepper my face. I grasp the cold metal rails and sigh. No parental supervision, just me, the massive cruise ship, and hundreds of other tenants who had also rented rooms on the revolutionary cruise. Making my way across the wood-paneled deck, I stop and listen. The sounds of happy chatter and joyous shrieks bombard me, even if their makers are on the other side of the ship. I touch my backpack. Even without looking, I know the duct tape, Swiss Army knife, pen, coins, and cash are all in the right place. It's reassuring for me to be able to know most of my belongings are with me. I continue across the deck, feeling the sea reviving my strength, and the bright, blue sky acknowledging that today is a good day.

As soon as I feel the cold rails, I hoist myself up and peer down at the murky ocean. The waves, frothing and gurgling, are streamlining themselves into neat lines. I can feel the breeze and it feels delightful. Caught up in the moment, I forget about gravity. Now I'm going down, down, down while the waves reach up to eat me. I don't feel myself going in. All I can see is a black surface. The water stings my eyes and before I know it, I'm overboard. I cry for help. My panicky shriek bounces, ignored, and covered over by the happy sounds of children and vacationers. They don't sound happy to me anymore. Now they're menacing. I try to tread water, kicking and splashing, flailing to stay with oxygen. My head goes under again as my limbs kick and wave. I can't control them anymore. I stop, the water is cold, but it feels better not to struggle despite the burning of my lungs. The water pulls me lower, until the surface is only a panel of glimmering light. I hold onto my backpack, grasping it tightly. I try to kick my legs to the surface in a last moment of desperation but it doesn't work. My body is numb now. Drowning in the Atlantic Ocean , clutching my backpack, that's how I'll die. I relax and let the ocean take me. My last memory, of feeling the waterlogged straps on my bag, takes me and then everything fades to black.

I wake up, my body aching, I must be home. I snuggle back but I don't feel sheets. Instead I feel something softer, more flexible. I feel my legs. I touch my pair of jeans, worn out and holey. Then I remember, surrendering to the blackness, the water, and something pulling me out onto land. I sit up and my head explodes. Dizzying pain pounds in my head and I sit still to let the pain subside. Where am I? I pull on my shirt, finding that it's half dry. My clothes are encrusted with small crystals. Salt crystals, I wondered? They are hard to the touch and crackle when I move. I throw off my shirt, feeling the warm sun beating down on my chest. The pants are cumbersome and I can't move in them. Looking around, I discover my backpack, lying a few feet away. I crawl to it. The material is slightly damp, but I hook it onto my shoulders anyway. The comforting weight soothes me, as I begin to take stock of my surroundings.

I'm on a tropical island. Just like the kind we see on wallpapers. The palm trees reach above, yearning to touch the sky. It's beautiful. A part of me wants to stay like this, to sit down and just look at the island. Another part of me, the rational part of me knows I need food and water. I listen to my reasoning. I jog through the island, taking note of where fruits are and what animals I see, my backpack bouncing on my shoulder blades. I hear something, a quiet rustle that I wouldn't have detected if I hadn't stood still. Then something explodes. A creature pounces on me and I punch and kick, struggling and yelling trying to beat the animal off. The animal is off me now, I look for it, and nearly miss it. It's not an animal, it's a girl. She's short but wiry, and she fought like a lion. I try not to let it show, the pain that is stinging my legs like bees, or the bruise that I can already feel is forming on my chest. She's hiding in the shade, watching me warily, like a cat on the bay. She licks her lips and utters a low sound. She scowls and tries again. This time I can hear her. Her voice is scratchy from thirst like a neglected music record.

"Hello," she says, and I am stunned. She must have also fallen into the sea and awoken here. She looks at me. I look at her. She's wearing a tattered t-shirt with a nearly faded out cat on it. In her hand is a Swiss Army knife like mine. "Who are you?" My voice comes out clear and strong, echoing through the dense trees. "Cat," she replies. "Is it short for Catherine?" I ask. I can't help it. It's in my nature to learn. "No!" She cries, a strange cat-like cry. Anger flashes through her face. I step away. She beckons, disappearing through the vegetation. I follow. She leads me to an open clearing with a large strange rock formation. As I circle it, I can see an opening. It's not a rock formation, it's a cave! Shelter, I think. She leads me into the cave; it gets smaller on the inside. The sandy floor is dusted carefully as she leads me inside. She points to a spot opposite and shallow, a crater of sand. She points to the crater, "Mine," she says. She points to the clean spot opposite of her sleeping place and mutters, "Yours." I have shelter now.

Throughout the days, she teaches me how to hunt. I teach her how to use duct tape to catch things. Through the week, we begin to rely more and more on duct tape. It makes fishing easier. Little by little she tells me how she managed to survive on the island. She talks about how she ran out of supplies right before I came. She tells me how we have been able to survive because of duct tape. The money and coins are forgotten. I have dumped them somewhere. Now our lives depend on duct tape. Cat is gathering the fallen fruit. I am fixing a sharp stick spear with duct tape. She freezes and crouches catlike, staring into the horizon. I look too. I see a fast boat coming our way. It looks for a safe place to dock.

I survived a week with duct tape and Cat's knowledge, but now I'm writing this from home. I had happily climbed onto the rescue ship but Cat had declined. Instead, she waved me off when I asked her about going back to humanity. Then she disappeared. Just like that. One year later, a burly fisherman hands me a letter. He had just returned from the island he says, where he met a half-wild girl. I eagerly unfold the paper. It says, "Dear Boy, I need some more duct tape. -Cat." I smile.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, what happens before the main event is demonstrated very effectively. The writer provides background information so readers understand how the main character starts off a good day on a leisurely cruise ship, unaware that the day is going to change dramatically because of an accidental fall off the back of the ship. (“ I feel the fresh, salty breeze pepper my face. I grasp the cold metal rails and sigh. No parental supervision, just me, the massive cruise ship, and hundreds of other tenants who had also rented rooms on the revolutionary cruise. Making my way across the wood-paneled deck, I stop and listen. The sounds of happy chatter and joyous shrieks bombard me, even if their makers are on the other side of the ship. I touch my backpack. Even without looking, I know the duct tape, Swiss Army knife, pen, coins, and cash are all in the right place. It's reassuring for me to be able to know most of my belongings are with me. I continue across the deck, feeling the sea reviving my strength, and the bright, blue sky acknowledging that today is a good day. As soon as I feel the cold rails, I hoist myself up and peer down at the murky ocean. The waves, frothing and gurgling, are streamlining themselves into neat lines. I can feel the breeze and it feels delightful. Caught up in the moment, I forget about gravity. Now I'm going down, down, down while the waves reach up to eat me. I don't feel myself going in. All I can see is a black surface. The water stings my eyes and before I know it, I'm overboard.”)

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer artfully relays through a combination of vivid descriptions what happens to the main character once awakened from the near drowning and how duct tape is used to survive on the deserted island. (“I'm on a tropical island. Just like the kind we see on wallpapers. The palm trees reach above, yearning to touch the sky. It's beautiful. A part of me wants to stay like this, to sit down and just look at the island. Another part of me, the rational part of me knows I need food and water. I listen to my reasoning. I jog through the island, taking note of where fruits are and what animals I see, my backpack bouncing on my shoulder blades… Throughout the days, she teaches me how to hunt. I teach her how to use duct tape to catch things. Through the week, we begin to rely more and more on duct tape. It makes fishing easier. Little by little she tells me how she managed to survive on the island. She talks about how she ran out of supplies right before I came. She tells me how we have been able to survive because of duct tape. The money and coins are forgotten. I have dumped them somewhere. Now our lives depend on duct tape.”)

The audience for the story is thoroughly understood. The writer introduces additional characters to add mystery to the narrative and engages readers to learn more about how things will progress in the story. (“ ’Hello,’ she says, and I am stunned. She must have also fallen into the sea and awoken here. She looks at me. I look at her. She's wearing a tattered t-shirt with a nearly faded out cat on it. In her hand is a Swiss Army knife like mine. ‘Who are you?’ My voice comes out clear and strong, echoing through the dense trees. ‘Cat,’ she replies. ‘Is it short for Catherine?’ I ask. I can't help it. It's in my nature to learn. ‘No!’ She cries, a strange cat-like cry. Anger flashes through her face. I step away. She beckons, disappearing through the vegetation. I follow.”)

The writer incorporates duct tape into the narrative as a tool/resource used by the main character to fix the dire situation on the deserted island and save the day. (“ I teach her how to use duct tape to catch things. Through the week, we begin to rely more and more on duct tape. It makes fishing easier. Little by little she tells me how she managed to survive on the island. She talks about how she ran out of supplies right before I came. She tells me how we have been able to survive because of duct tape. The money and coins are forgotten. I have dumped them somewhere. Now our lives depend on duct tape. Cat is gathering the fallen fruit. I am fixing a sharp stick spear with duct tape.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer presents a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters, which are all connected through the main character. The writer clearly establishes a timeline of events from the time the main character falls into the ocean until returning home safely, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what happens in the story. Additionally, vivid, descriptive language is used very effectively to create a scenario that readers can experience almost firsthand.

The characters are developed in very effective detail. For example, readers feel the experiences of the main character as he feels himself drowning. First he fights it, then, he surrenders himself to the sea. Through these descriptions, readers gain insight into this character and how he deals with adversity. (“The water stings my eyes and before I know it, I'm overboard. I cry for help. My panicky shriek bounces, ignored, and covered over by the happy sounds of children and vacationers. They don't sound happy to me anymore. Now they're menacing. I try to tread water, kicking and splashing, flailing to stay with oxygen. My head goes under again as my limbs kick and wave. I can't control them anymore. I stop, the water is cold, but it feels better not to struggle despite the burning of my lungs. The water pulls me lower, until the surface is only a panel of glimmering light. I hold onto my backpack, grasping it tightly. I try to kick my legs to the surface in a last moment of desperation but it doesn't work. My body is numb now. Drowning in the Atlantic Ocean , clutching my backpack, that's how I'll die. I relax and let the ocean take me. My last memory, of feeling the waterlogged straps on my bag, takes me and then everything fades to black.”)

The setting is effectively described to bring readers right into the scene. For example, when the main character awakens from his near drowning, he aptly describes the surroundings to readers as he is discovering it for himself. (“I'm on a tropical island. Just like the kind we see on wallpapers. The palm trees reach above, yearning to touch the sky. It's beautiful. A part of me wants to stay like this, to sit down and just look at the island. Another part of me, the rational part of me knows I need food and water. I listen to my reasoning. I jog through the island, taking note of where fruits are and what animals I see, my backpack bouncing on my shoulder blades. I hear something, a quiet rustle that I wouldn't have detected if I hadn't stood still. Then something explodes. A creature pounces on me and I punch and kick, struggling and yelling trying to beat the animal off. The animal is off me now, I look for it, and nearly miss it.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. (“I touch my backpack. Even without looking, I know the duct tape, Swiss Army knife, pen, coins, and cash are all in the right place. It's reassuring for me to be able to know most of my belongings are with me. I continue across the deck, feeling the sea reviving my strength, and the bright, blue sky acknowledging that today is a good day. As soon as I feel the cold rails, I hoist myself up and peer down at the murky ocean. The waves, frothing and gurgling, are streamlining themselves into neat lines. I can feel the breeze and it feels delightful. Caught up in the moment, I forget about gravity. Now I'm going down, down, down while the waves reach up to eat me. I don't feel myself going in. All I can see is a black surface. The water stings my eyes and before I know it, I'm overboard. I cry for help.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. (“Throughout the days, she teaches me how to hunt. I teach her how to use duct tape to catch things. Through the week, we begin to rely more and more on duct tape. It makes fishing easier. Little by little she tells me how she managed to survive on the island. She talks about how she ran out of supplies right before I came. She tells me how we have been able to survive because of duct tape. The money and coins are forgotten. I have dumped them somewhere. Now our lives depend on duct tape. Cat is gathering the fallen fruit. I am fixing a sharp stick spear with duct tape. She freezes and crouches catlike, staring into the horizon. I look too. I see a fast boat coming our way. It looks for a safe place to dock.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective as well. The writer captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story with the main character’s excitement and pleasure while enjoying a vacation on a cruise ship. The story flows very smoothly with transitions that support sequential development. The writer includes an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention by using descriptive language to describe the joy the main character feels strolling on the deck of the cruise liner. (“I feel the fresh, salty breeze pepper my face. I grasp the cold metal rails and sigh. No parental supervision, just me, the massive cruise ship, and hundreds of other tenants who had also rented rooms on the revolutionary cruise. Making my way across the wood-paneled deck, I stop and listen. The sounds of happy chatter and joyous shrieks bombard me, even if their makers are on the other side of the ship. I touch my backpack. Even without looking, I know the duct tape, Swiss Army knife, pen, coins, and cash are all in the right place. It's reassuring for me to be able to know most of my belongings are with me. I continue across the deck, feeling the sea reviving my strength, and the bright, blue sky acknowledging that today is a good day.”) The writer then wastes no time in creating the problem that carries the story’s plot line to its ultimate resolution. (“I can feel the breeze and it feels delightful. Caught up in the moment, I forget about gravity. Now I'm going down, down, down while the waves reach up to eat me. I don't feel myself going in. All I can see is a black surface. The water stings my eyes and before I know it, I'm overboard. I cry for help. My panicky shriek bounces, ignored, and covered over by the happy sounds of children and vacationers. They don't sound happy to me anymore. Now they're menacing. I try to tread water, kicking and splashing, flailing to stay with oxygen. My head goes under again as my limbs kick and wave. I can't control them anymore. I stop, the water is cold, but it feels better not to struggle despite the burning of my lungs. The water pulls me lower, until the surface is only a panel of glimmering light. I hold onto my backpack, grasping it tightly. I try to kick my legs to the surface in a last moment of desperation but it doesn't work. My body is numb now. Drowning in the Atlantic Ocean , clutching my backpack, that's how I'll die. I relax and let the ocean take me. My last memory, of feeling the waterlogged straps on my bag, takes me and then everything fades to black.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Throughout the days, she teaches me how to hunt. I teach her how to use duct tape to catch things. Through the week, we begin to rely more and more on duct tape. It makes fishing easier. Little by little she tells me how she managed to survive on the island. She talks about how she ran out of supplies right before I came. She tells me how we have been able to survive because of duct tape.”)

The ending very effectively concludes the story by summarizing what ultimately happened to the main character and the little girl he met on the island. (“I survived a week with duct tape and Cat's knowledge, but now I'm writing this from home. I had happily climbed onto the rescue ship but Cat had declined. Instead, she waved me off when I asked her about going back to humanity. Then she disappeared. Just like that. One year later, a burly fisherman hands me a letter. He had just returned from the island he says, where he met a half-wild girl. I eagerly unfold the paper. It says, ‘Dear Boy, I need some more duct tape. -Cat.’ I smile.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the essay response. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of his/her intended audience. The writer incorporates the use of well-structured and varied sentences to enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The language and tone of the narrative invite readers to continue reading to discover what happens to the boy as he tries to survive falling overboard. (“ I hear something, a quiet rustle that I wouldn't have detected if I hadn't stood still. Then something explodes. A creature pounces on me and I punch and kick, struggling and yelling trying to beat the animal off. The animal is off me now, I look for it, and nearly miss it. It's not an animal, it's a girl. She's short but wiry, and she fought like a lion. I try not to let it show, the pain that is stinging my legs like bees, or the bruise that I can already feel is forming on my chest. She's hiding in the shade, watching me warily, like a cat on the bay. She licks her lips and utters a low sound. She scowls and tries again. This time I can hear her. Her voice is scratchy from thirst like a neglected music record.”)

The writer effectively incorporates the use of specific, descriptive language to create mental pictures of what the main character is experiencing in each of the settings. (“ She leads me to an open clearing with a large strange rock formation. As I circle it, I can see an opening. It's not a rock formation, it's a cave! Shelter, I think. She leads me into the cave; it gets smaller on the inside. The sandy floor is dusted carefully as she leads me inside. She points to a spot opposite and shallow, a crater of sand. She points to the crater, ‘Mine,’ she says. She points to the clean spot opposite of her sleeping place and mutters, ‘Yours.’ I have shelter now.”)

The writer employs a variety of sentences into the narrative that add to the style and flow of the story. (“ They don't sound happy to me anymore. Now they're menacing. I try to tread water, kicking and splashing, flailing to stay with oxygen. My head goes under again as my limbs kick and wave. I can't control them anymore. I stop, the water is cold, but it feels better not to struggle despite the burning of my lungs. The water pulls me lower, until the surface is only a panel of glimmering light. I hold onto my backpack, grasping it tightly. I try to kick my legs to the surface in a last moment of desperation but it doesn't work. My body is numb now. Drowning in the Atlantic Ocean , clutching my backpack, that's how I'll die. I relax and let the ocean take me. My last memory, of feeling the waterlogged straps on my bag, takes me and then everything fades to black.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has appropriate punctuation, and spelling of chosen words is correct. (“ Little by little she tells me how she managed to survive on the island. She talks about how she ran out of supplies right before I came. She tells me how we have been able to survive because of duct tape. The money and coins are forgotten. I have dumped them somewhere. Now our lives depend on duct tape. Cat is gathering the fallen fruit. I am fixing a sharp stick spear with duct tape. She freezes and crouches catlike, staring into the horizon. I look too. I see a fast boat coming our way. It looks for a safe place to dock.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, fire!" said the clear, loud voice from the microphone.

"Pull the fire, pull the fire!" yelled Michael.

I pushed the gear and we, with the other astronauts, launched into the morning sky like a bird. Brilliant orange light dazzled behind us. We were about to be the first astronauts to land on Mars. We flew higher and higher and soared out of the atmosphere. Once we were in space, we all looked at Earth once more, then, we headed for Mars.

Just then, warning lights came on. It showed that three of the ten tanks that hold fuel were leaking. Our connection with Earth was not strong, so we decided to cut the connection. Thankfully, using the computer, we found that the leak was rather small. Three days passed peacefully, but suddenly, another problem occurred. The fuel tank was leaking more and more severely. This time we could not just ignore the fact; this time we would have to fix it. Brandon, an astronaut that is rather chubby, decided that he would take a space walk. He said that he would use a machine to somehow fix the tank. Unfortunately, the plan did not work. The leak was getting dangerously big, but yet, no help came.

The next day, I decided to take a space walk through the spaceship. I knew this was the only way to resolve this problem. For this plan to succeed, I would have to break down the emergency door. The emergency door was the only door that led straight to the tank section. There I would use a lighter to melt down the metal, and repair the leak. I walked to the emergency door, grabbed its sturdy handle and pulled. It gave away quickly, and I was on my way to save the spacecraft. I opened the tank section's door and crawled into the dusty room. Just then, I realized something. How can I use fire on fuel-populated metal? It will explode and bomb the spacecraft! I quickly thought about other ideas to stop the leak. Suddenly, Michael came running in, holding a bunch of white things.

After a good look at what Michael was holding, I realized it was duct tape. I quickly grabbed the white duct tape and taped it on the tank. The leak would hold; we were safe. We carried on with our mission to Mars. Ten days passed and another problem occurred. We were about to land on Mars, but the door that I had broken down was still there swinging around. We decided to give the duct tape another chance, so we taped the door to the wall of the spacecraft. The door would have stayed there if we were flying to Mars, but since we were about to land on Mars, we decided regular tape would not hold. We decided to use the technique I used at the tank section. Brandon got some candles and lighters; Michael and I got some pincers and razors. Michael cut off the outer layer made of plastic, leaving the metal exposed.

When Brandon returned, we melted down the metal of the door and the spacecraft wall. We then stuck them together. We landed on Mars and returned safely to Earth without any problems. I had finally achieved my goal to be the first person to step on Mars. In all the history books from that point on, we would be memorialized. We would be especially remembered for using duct tape to save the day. On that day, duct tape had its use. It would go down in history, along with the names of all of us brave men, who had journeyed on that mission to Mars.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits good focus and meaning in the response. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. In classic narrative fashion, the writer reveals details slowly, to keep the readers wanting to know what will happen to the characters throughout the course of the story.

In the beginning of the story, the writer introduces the characters, descriptively conveys the setting, and wastes no time going into the conflict that arises on their journey to the planet Mars. (“’Pull the fire, pull the fire!’ yelled Michael. I pushed the gear and we, with the other astronauts, launched into the morning sky like a bird. Brilliant orange light dazzled behind us. We were about to be the first astronauts to land on Mars. We flew higher and higher and soared out of the atmosphere. Once we were in space, we all looked at Earth once more, then, we headed for Mars. Just then, warning lights came on. It showed that three of the ten tanks that hold fuel were leaking.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer relates all the activities in the narrative to the prompt task. The story provides details about how, with a sudden and dangerous problem occurring in space, duct tape was effective in saving the day. (“Just then, I realized something. How can I use fire on fuel-populated metal? It will explode and bomb the spacecraft! I quickly thought about other ideas to stop the leak. Suddenly, Michael came running in, holding a bunch of white things. After a good look at what Michael was holding, I realized it was duct tape. I quickly grabbed the white duct tape and taped it on the tank. The leak would hold; we were safe. We carried on with our mission to Mars.”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed effectively. The writer describes the initial take-off with sensory details that provide the readers with a mental picture of where the characters are during their adventure to Mars. (“I pushed the gear and we, with the other astronauts, launched into the morning sky like a bird. Brilliant orange light dazzled behind us. We were about to be the first astronauts to land on Mars. We flew higher and higher and soared out of the atmosphere. Once we were in space, we all looked at Earth once more, then, we headed for Mars.”) The writer also takes the opportunity to create the scene where the actual leak is occurring. In doing so, the readers can sense the tightness of the space inside the aircraft. (“For this plan to succeed, I would have to break down the emergency door. The emergency door was the only door that led straight to the tank section. There I would use a lighter to melt down the metal, and repair the leak. I walked to the emergency door, grabbed its sturdy handle and pulled. It gave away quickly, and I was on my way to save the spacecraft. I opened the tank section's door and crawled into the dusty room. Just then, I realized something. How can I use fire on fuel-populated metal? It will explode and bomb the spacecraft!”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of events in the essay response. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The writer establishes relevant tension and conflict in the story, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen next. The writer should consider incorporating effective dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts throughout the story.

Specific details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“Just then, warning lights came on. It showed that three of the ten tanks that hold fuel were leaking. Our connection with Earth was not strong, so we decided to cut the connection. Thankfully, using the computer, we found that the leak was rather small. Three days passed peacefully, but suddenly, another problem occurred. The fuel tank was leaking more and more severely. This time we could not just ignore the fact; this time we would have to fix it. Brandon, an astronaut that is rather chubby, decided that he would take a space walk. He said that he would use a machine to somehow fix the tank. Unfortunately, the plan did not work. The leak was getting dangerously big, but yet, no help came.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is not as developed as it could be. The writer can create conversations between the characters, rather than informing the readers of what characters said or thought. The use of effective dialogue could enhance the overall effectiveness of the narrative. (“ This time we could not just ignore the fact; this time we would have to fix it. Brandon, an astronaut that is rather chubby, decided that he would take a space walk.”)

Details effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. (“The next day, I decided to take a space walk through the spaceship. I knew this was the only way to resolve this problem. For this plan to succeed, I would have to break down the emergency door. The emergency door was the only door that led straight to the tank section. There I would use a lighter to melt down the metal, and repair the leak. I walked to the emergency door, grabbed its sturdy handle and pulled. It gave away quickly, and I was on my way to save the spacecraft. I opened the tank section's door and crawled into the dusty room. Just then, I realized something. How can I use fire on fuel-populated metal? It will explode and bomb the spacecraft! I quickly thought about other ideas to stop the leak.”)

Organization

The beginning of the story demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with details about the initial lift-off of the spacecraft and the subsequent mechanical difficulties that would require the use of duct tape to save the day. (“ ’Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, fire!’ said the clear, loud voice from the microphone. ‘Pull the fire, pull the fire!’ yelled Michael. I pushed the gear and we, with the other astronauts, launched into the morning sky like a bird. Brilliant orange light dazzled behind us. We were about to be the first astronauts to land on Mars. We flew higher and higher and soared out of the atmosphere. Once we were in space, we all looked at Earth once more, then, we headed for Mars.

Just then, warning lights came on. It showed that three of the ten tanks that hold fuel were leaking. Our

connection with Earth was not strong, so we decided to cut the connection.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ Just then, warning lights came on. It showed that three of the ten tanks that hold fuel were leaking. Our connection with Earth was not strong, so we decided to cut the connection. Thankfully, using the computer, we found that the leak was rather small. Three days passed peacefully, but suddenly, another problem occurred.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ When Brandon returned, we melted down the metal of the door and the spacecraft wall. We then stuck them together. We landed on Mars and returned safely to Earth without any problems. I had finally achieved my goal to be the first person to step on Mars. In all the history books from that point on, we would be memorialized. We would be especially remembered for using duct tape to save the day. On that day, duct tape had its use. It would go down in history, along with the names of all of us brave men, who had journeyed on that mission to Mars.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is good in the essay response. The writer demonstrates more sophisticated language and word choice with good evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. By incorporating well-structured sentences with variety , the writer effectively conveys a story that readers can appreciate and enjoy.

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay response. The writer’s word choices describe a character who is desperately thinking of ways to repair a crucial leak in the spacecraft that could jeopardize their mission to Mars. (“ After a good look at what Michael was holding, I realized it was duct tape. I quickly grabbed the white duct tape and taped it on the tank. The leak would hold; we were safe. We carried on with our mission to Mars. Ten days passed and another problem occurred. We were about to land on Mars, but the door that I had broken down was still there swinging around. We decided to give the duct tape another chance, so we taped the door to the wall of the spacecraft. The door would have stayed there if we were flying to Mars, but since we were about to land on Mars, we decided regular tape would not hold. We decided to use the technique I used at the tank section. Brandon got some candles and lighters; Michael and I got some pincers and razors. Michael cut off the outer layer made of plastic, leaving the metal exposed.”)

The writer succeeds in using a strong voice to convey not only the tension and conflict experienced by the characters, but also the pride they feel for themselves as they successfully complete their mission and go down in the history books. (“ I had finally achieved my goal to be the first person to step on Mars. In all the history books from that point on, we would be memorialized. We would be especially remembered for using duct tape to save the day. On that day, duct tape had its use. It would go down in history, along with the names of all of us brave men, who had journeyed on that mission to Mars.”)

The writer provides a wide variety of well-structured sentences that allow the details of the story to unfold in an effective way. (“ I pushed the gear and we, with the other astronauts, launched into the morning sky like a bird. Brilliant orange light dazzled behind us. We were about to be the first astronauts to land on Mars. We flew higher and higher and soared out of the atmosphere. Once we were in space, we all looked at Earth once more, then, we headed for Mars.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer displays good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay response. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer ensures that sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences are indented when new paragraphs begin, sentences begin with capital letters, and word choices are spelled and used correctly. (“ Brandon, an astronaut that is rather chubby, decided that he would take a space walk. He said that he would use a machine to somehow fix the tank.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Okay, Justin, just run on the ice, then 'slide' on it," Jekyll Hyde instructed his student. "Like th-" suddenly, Justin screamed as he fell on the ice. He tried to get up, only to fall down again, and he felt the harsh, stabbing pain in his right foot. "Let me see that foot," Mr. Hyde said. "Sadly, it's broken; I'll have to send you to the closest hospital..." And so, he did. However, when they got to the closest hospital, they found out it didn't have any casts, and wouldn't get a new load of casts until next year. The doctor there told them that because of all the patients with the broken joints they have been receiving from all over the world, they had run out of casts. Every store that sold casts also had none. It was supposedly rumored that the only company that made casts had for some strange reason stopped making them.

"So, how are we supposed to treat his broken foot?" Mr. Hyde asked impatiently. "It's simple; we use duct tape!" Dr. Soto said. "Duct tape?" The instructor replied with disdain in his voice. "Why on earth duct tape? Why can't we just use fabric or something like that?" "First, we have no fabric. Second, even if we did have any fabric, it wouldn't be strong enough at all. Third, casts are just merely 'shields' for the broken area, so that no damage comes there." Dr. Soto "However, though we have no casts, it appears that we have plenty of duct tape. In fact, I have a whole room filled with duct tape." "Okay. Let's try it." Jekyll said optimistically. "Is it going to hurt, Dr.?" Justin asked. "I mean when it comes off, that is..." "Oh, it will hurt when I peel it off, but trust me it's only going to hurt for a short period of time." "All right, then. Let's try it!" Justin said.

So, the operation began. Since Justin was so weak, he fell asleep once his body touched the surface of the bed, so there was no need for a sedative or anesthetic. After about five hours, they were done with the operation. Now, it was time for the cast. Dr. Soto chose the strongest and most durable one he could find in the storage room. Slowly, the nurse and Dr. Soto began to unroll it. Then, Dr. Soto wrapped it onto Justin's foot. "Mr. Hyde, I forgot to mention one thing to you. This duct tape treatment takes longer than the cast treatment. It will take about a year until Justin can finally ice skate once more." "WHAT? Now, you tell me! The Olympics are next year. Then, doesn't that basically mean he has to give up skating for now? All he can do is sit, sleep, eat and drink?" Jekyll said furiously. "Yes, he must if you want him to fully recover."

One year later, casts still have not arrived, and Justin, was finally full recovered. Although the duct tape treatment took much longer than the cast treatment, the duct tape treatment proved to be more effective. How? Well, Justin could walk easily without his crutches. In fact, he didn't even need crutches! He could skate as well as any other student, even though he hadn't any practice for a very long time. Duct tape had saved the day!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

In the beginning of the story, the writer provides necessary background information to set up the ways duct tape will save the day. (“’Okay, Justin, just run on the ice, then 'slide' on it,’ Jekyll Hyde instructed his student. ‘Like th-‘ suddenly, Justin screamed as he fell on the ice. He tried to get up, only to fall down again, and he felt the harsh, stabbing pain in his right foot. ‘Let me see that foot,’ Mr. Hyde said. ‘Sadly, it's broken; I'll have to send you to the closest hospital...’ And so, he did. However, when they got to the closest hospital, they found out it didn't have any casts, and wouldn't get a new load of casts until next year. The doctor there told them that because of all the patients with the broken joints they have been receiving from all over the world, they had run out of casts. Every store that sold casts also had none. It was supposedly rumored that the only company that made casts had for some strange reason stopped making them. ‘So, how are we supposed to treat his broken foot?’ Mr. Hyde asked impatiently. ‘It's simple; we use duct tape!’”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer maintains focus on the main character’s plight and how duct tape will save his career as an ice skater. (“’Mr. Hyde, I forgot to mention one thing to you. This duct tape treatment takes longer than the cast treatment. It will take about a year until Justin can finally ice skate once more.’ ‘WHAT? Now, you tell me! The Olympics are next year. Then, doesn't that basically mean he has to give up skating for now? All he can do is sit, sleep, eat and drink?’ Jekyll said furiously. ‘Yes, he must if you want him to fully recover.’”)

There is adequate use of dialogue in the essay response. The writer incorporates meaningful dialogue between the main character and the supporting characters to reveal their thoughts and feelings toward each other and their situations. (“’So, how are we supposed to treat his broken foot?’ Mr. Hyde asked impatiently. ‘It's simple; we use duct tape!’ Dr. Soto said. ‘Duct tape?’ The instructor replied with disdain in his voice. ‘Why on earth duct tape? Why can't we just use fabric or something like that?’ ‘First, we have no fabric. Second, even if we did have any fabric, it wouldn't be strong enough at all. Third, casts are just merely 'shields' for the broken area, so that no damage comes there.’ Dr. Soto ‘However, though we have no casts, it appears that we have plenty of duct tape. In fact, I have a whole room filled with duct tape.’ ‘Okay. Let's try it.’ Jekyll said optimistically.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The writer creates believable characters and adequately establishes tension in the narrative that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer also employs the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts and feelings during pivotal moments in the story.

There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“’Okay, Justin, just run on the ice, then 'slide' on it,’ Jekyll Hyde instructed his student. ‘Like th-‘ suddenly, Justin screamed as he fell on the ice. He tried to get up, only to fall down again, and he felt the harsh, stabbing pain in his right foot. ‘Let me see that foot,’ Mr. Hyde said. ‘Sadly, it's broken; I'll have to send you to the closest hospital...’ And so, he did. However, when they got to the closest hospital, they found out it didn't have any casts, and wouldn't get a new load of casts until next year. The doctor there told them that because of all the patients with the broken joints they have been receiving from all over the world, they had run out of casts. Every store that sold casts also had none. It was supposedly rumored that the only company that made casts had for some strange reason stopped making them.”)

Adequate details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“So, the operation began. Since Justin was so weak, he fell asleep once his body touched the surface of the bed, so there was no need for a sedative or anesthetic. After about five hours, they were done with the operation. Now, it was time for the cast. Dr. Soto chose the strongest and most durable one he could find in the storage room. Slowly, the nurse and Dr. Soto began to unroll it. Then, Dr. Soto wrapped it onto Justin's foot.”)

The writer includes details that adequately describe the story’s solution. (“One year later, casts still have not arrived, and Justin, was finally full recovered. Although the duct tape treatment took much longer than the cast treatment, the duct tape treatment proved to be more effective. How? Well, Justin could walk easily without his crutches. In fact, he didn't even need crutches! He could skate as well as any other student, even though he hadn't any practice for a very long time. Duct tape had saved the day!”)

Organization

The organization of content and events in the narrative is adequate as well. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a conversation between the main characters, Justin, and his ice skating coach, Jekyll Hyde. The introduction also serves to familiarize the intended audience with the incident that occurs immediately following this brief exchange. (“ ’Okay, Justin, just run on the ice, then 'slide' on it,’ Jekyll Hyde instructed his student. ‘Like th-‘suddenly Justin screamed as he fell on the ice. He tried to get up, only to fall down again, and he felt the harsh, stabbing pain in his right foot. ‘Let me see that foot,’ Mr. Hyde said. ‘Sadly, it's broken; I'll have to send you to the closest hospital...’And so, he did. However, when they got to the closest hospital, they found out it didn't have any casts, and wouldn't get a new load of casts until next year. The doctor there told them that because of all the patients with the broken joints they have been receiving from all over the world, they had run out of casts.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should make every attempt to incorporate more transitions into the writing to enhance the flow and sequence of the story’s events. (“ The instructor replied with disdain in his voice. ‘Why on earth duct tape? Why can't we just use fabric or something like that?’ ‘First, we have no fabric. Second, even if we did have any fabric, it wouldn't be strong enough at all. Third, casts are just merely 'shields' for the broken area, so that no damage comes there.’ Dr. Soto ‘However, though we have no casts, it appears that we have plenty of duct tape. In fact, I have a whole room filled with duct tape.’”)

The story includes an adequate ending. (“ One year later, casts still have not arrived, and Justin, was finally full recovered. Although the duct tape treatment took much longer than the cast treatment, the duct tape treatment proved to be more effective. How? Well, Justin could walk easily without his crutches. In fact, he didn't even need crutches! He could skate as well as any other student, even though he hadn't any practice for a very long time. Duct tape had saved the day!”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“‘ In fact, I have a whole room filled with duct tape.’ ‘Okay. Let's try it.’ Jekyll said optimistically. ‘Is it going to hurt, Dr.?’ Justin asked. ‘I mean when it comes off, that is...’ ‘Oh, it will hurt when I peel it off, but trust me it's only going to hurt for a short period of time.’ ‘All right, then. Let's try it!’ Justin said.”)

The word choices selected by the writer are adequate and appropriate for the essay response. (“ So, the operation began. Since Justin was so weak, he fell asleep once his body touched the surface of the bed, so there was no need for a sedative or anesthetic. After about five hours, they were done with the operation. Now, it was time for the cast. Dr. Soto chose the strongest and most durable one he could find in the storage room.”)

The use of dialogue adds to the style, tension, and flow of the writer’s intended message to the audience. (“ ’Mr. Hyde, I forgot to mention one thing to you. This duct tape treatment takes longer than the cast treatment. It will take about a year until Justin can finally ice skate once more.’ ‘WHAT? Now, you tell me! The Olympics are next year. Then, doesn't that basically mean he has to give up skating for now? All he can do is sit, sleep, eat and drink?’ Jekyll said furiously. ‘Yes, he must if you want him to fully recover.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should be sure that sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled correctly, and vocabulary is used appropriately. (“ One year later, casts still have not arrived, and Justin, was finally full recovered.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Houstan we have a problem," a voice blares threw a radio. "What is it," I respond. "Sir, the sun is leaking radiation threw a little cut in its surface. Pfft I spew coffee all over my computer screen. I have to warn the government.

Hi, my name is Fred, I'm just your average middle aged guy, and I had no I idea what kind of trouble I was going to get myself in. It all started out at ten in the morning, eating my home made cheese pizza. When I flipped to the news on my TV and saw the Breaking News, they said there was a gash on the sun's surface and it was leaking radiation! At first I just thought that they were just trying to scare me, when the president of the United States admitted that there was a gash on the sun's surface. When I got my weekly news paper, on the cover it said the government was giving away a half a million dollars. Lucky for me the astronaut training camp was giving away free lessons to civilians. In about a weeks time and few changes underware, I was ready to take a shuttle to the sun. When I returned to my apartment I packed extra clothes, a toothbrush, and duct tape. On my scheduled day of departure I found out no one had come back from their trip to the sun, I had to be first. When the space shuttle lifted off the ground it felt like a thousand crazy elephants run by. Space it felt like being a super huge pool of water, except you could breath. When we were ten feet from the sun the tempuratue jumped twenty deggrees. I jumped out of the shuttle and drifted out tword the gash on the sun. Right in front of the gash I reached for my plasma sealer, to realise I had left it on the shuttle. So I had to seal it up with my duct tape. To my suprise it held!

I returned to the shuttle and started my trek back to Earth. when I landed I praised as a national hero. ANd thyat is how I became to be known as Duct Tape man.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning of the essay response, the writer neglects to provide necessary background information that would inform the readers of what happened prior to the beginning of the narrative. The writer also needs to state the purpose of the story, which is to describe the ways in which duct tapes saves the day in the course of the narrative. The writer’s introduction satisfies neither of these crucial elements. (“’Houstan we have a problem,’ a voice blares threw a radio. ‘What is it,’ I respond. ‘Sir, the sun is leaking radiation threw a little cut in its surface. Pfft I spew coffee all over my computer screen. I have to warn the government. Hi, my name is Fred, I'm just your average middle aged guy, and I had no I idea what kind of trouble I was going to get myself in.“)

The events in the story are not always consistent with the prompt. For instance, the writer devotes more time on the things the main character does to prepare to repair the sun, than actually focusing on the ways duct tape was used to fix the leaking gases. (“When I returned to my apartment I packed extra clothes, a toothbrush, and duct tape. On my scheduled day of departure I found out no one had come back from their trip to the sun, I had to be first.”)

Although the thoughts of characters are shared in a limited way, the writer does not implement effective use of character to character dialogue in the essay response. (“ ’Houstan we have a problem,’a voice blares threw a radio. ‘What is it,’ I respond. ‘Sir, the sun is leaking radiation threw a little cut in its surface.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development of events in the essay. The writer provides a limited plot, setting, and characters. The story lacks sufficient details to make this more than a brief summary of what happens to the main character before and during the trip to the sun. The writer creates limited tension when revealing that no one person had ever returned from a trip to the sun, and the main character was determined to become the first person to return successfully. The use of dialogue was not used to reveal characters’ thoughts. The writer does share the thoughts of characters in a limited way, but does so through an informative venue, with no actual character to character dialogue employed.

The writer does not provide necessary background information to inform readers about what happened before the event. In this case, readers need to know what events transpired to create a gas leak from the sun and how using duct tape will alleviate the problem. (“When I flipped to the news on my TV and saw the Breaking News, they said there was a gash on the sun's surface and it was leaking radiation! At first I just thought that they were just trying to scare me, when the president of the United States admitted that there was a gash on the sun's surface.”)

Once the writer establishes the limited plot, only limited details are used to develop the main event of the story. The lack of sequential development and the inclusion of unnecessary information contribute to a very limited and ineffective essay response. (“When I got my weekly news paper, on the cover it said the government was giving away a half a million dollars. Lucky for me the astronaut training camp was giving away free lessons to civilians.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is limited. The writer introduces dialogue at the very beginning of the narrative, but misses the opportunity to implement it throughout the narrative between characters for a more effective message to the intended audience. (“ ’Houstan we have a problem,’ a voice blares threw a radio. ‘What is it,’ I respond. ‘Sir, the sun is leaking radiation threw a little cut in its surface.”)

Organization

The organization in the narrative is limited at best. The writer provides an adequate opening, but it may not hold the readers’ attention because it lacks background information that would be necessary for readers to fully understand the writer’s response to the prompt task. The flow of the story is broken by gaps in time and sequence. The use of strong transition words would serve to enhance the flow and sequence of events in the narrative. The writer manages to provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the story does not include crucial background information about prior events that would make the narrative response understandable or effective for the intended audience. (“ ’Houstan we have a problem,’ a voice blares threw a radio. ‘What is it,’ I respond. ‘Sir, the sun is leaking radiation threw a little cut in its surface. Pfft I spew coffee all over my computer screen. I have to warn the government. Hi, my name is Fred, I'm just your average middle aged guy, and I had no I idea what kind of trouble I was going to get myself in. It all started out at ten in the morning, eating my home made cheese pizza.”)

Subtle transitions are used in a limited way to connect some events in the story. (“ When I returned to my apartment I packed extra clothes, a toothbrush, and duct tape. On my scheduled day of departure I found out no one had come back from their trip to the sun, I had to be first. When the space shuttle lifted off the ground it felt like a thousand crazy elephants run by.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ I returned to the shuttle and started my trek back to Earth. when I landed I praised as a national hero. ANd thyat is how I became to be known as Duct Tape man.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety.

The lengths of some of the sentences are so short that the writer’s ideas are choppy and ineffective in communicating the story to his/her intended audience. (“ So I had to seal it up with my duct tape. To my suprise it held! I returned to the shuttle and started my trek back to Earth. when I landed I praised as a national hero. ANd thyat is how I became to be known as Duct Tape man.”)

The story reveals the same group of words to begin sentences in paragraphs. In this example (“ When I flipped to the news on my TV and saw the Breaking News, they said there was a gash on the sun's surface and it was leaking radiation! At first I just thought that they were just trying to scare me, when the president of the United States admitted that there was a gash on the sun's surface. When I got my weekly news paper, on the cover it said the government was giving away a half a million dollars. Lucky for me the astronaut training camp was giving away free lessons to civilians. In about a weeks time and few changes underware, I was ready to take a shuttle to the sun. When I returned to my apartment I packed extra clothes, a toothbrush, and duct tape.”), the writer uses the phrase “when I” repeatedly. The writer should try to begin sentences in a variety of ways to express ideas, style, and voice in a more effective way.

The use of more descriptive language and complex sentences on the writer’s part would communicate a more meaningful and well-developed story for the intended audience. (“Hi, my name is Fred, I'm just your average middle aged guy, and I had no I idea what kind of trouble I was going to get myself in. It all started out at ten in the morning, eating my home made cheese pizza. When I flipped to the news on my TV and saw the Breaking News, they said there was a gash on the sun's surface and it was leaking radiation! At first I just thought that they were just trying to scare me, when the president of the United States admitted that there was a gash on the sun's surface.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check for correct spelling and usage of selected words. (“When we were ten feet from the sun the tempuratue jumped twenty deggrees. I jumped out of the shuttle and drifted out tword the gash on the sun. Right in front of the gash I reached for my plasma sealer, to realise I had left it on the shuttle. So I had to seal it up with my duct tape. To my suprise it held!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

Happy Birthday! My Dad yelled. It was my birthday and every year my dad gives me the same thing. Duct Tape, Duct Tape, and Duct Tape. My mom gave me a big chocolate cake. Once I laid my eyes on that cake my taste bud started to spin. Right when I was going to eat my bite of that cake my dad shouted wait! Dont forget to open my present. Fine Dad I will. I said unexcitedly. I opend it nonsuprisingly and I said oh look here duct tape! I said sarcastickly.

I went up to my bed room and I threw the duct tape over to the sack of duct tape from 12 years ago. I kept on thinking what if were... a vocie shouting inside my head I think. A few seconds passed and I was knocked out. A sound awoke me and I think it was talking to me. I replied who is this I said fritened. Its me Duct Tape Larry.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay response are minimal. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative is brief and does not provide substantial details that would enlighten readers as to how the father’s gift of duct tape could save the day during the course of the narrative.

The story does not summarize the initial event that leads to the speculations for what could happen next in the story. The writer minimally states what happens to the main character immediately after receiving the birthday gift of duct tape for the twelfth year in a row, but does not delve into the ways the duct tape saves the day. (“I went up to my bed room and I threw the duct tape over to the sack of duct tape from 12 years ago. I kept on thinking what if were... a vocie shouting inside my head I think. A few seconds passed and I was knocked out.”)

The audience for the story is often not in the forefront of the writer’s mind. For example, in the beginning of the narrative, the writer mentions the gift of duct tape and the disappointment with the gift. However, the writer neglects to explain how the duct tape starts talking and how the duct tape could eventually save the day. The writer does not maintain focus on the requirements of the prompt task, and leaves readers confused with significant gaps in time and events. (“A sound awoke me and I think it was talking to me. I replied who is this I said fritened. Its me Duct Tape Larry.”)

The writer neglects to provide relevant, supporting details. For instance, the writer reveals that the main character received a disappointing birthday gift of duct tape for the twelfth year in a row, but does not elaborate on what happens next in the story once the duct tape comes to life. (“I went up to my bed room and I threw the duct tape over to the sack of duct tape from 12 years ago. I kept on thinking what if were... a vocie shouting inside my head I think. A few seconds passed and I was knocked out. A sound awoke me and I think it was talking to me. I replied who is this I said fritened. Its me Duct Tape Larry.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only introduced, rather than developed. Although the narrative does not include details or information that detracts from the story, it lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Some dialogue is used by the writer to reveal the characters’ thoughts. However, the readers cannot fully understand the characters’ feelings because of the minimal amount of background information provided.

The setting is not developed in detail. The readers may assume the setting of the story is the character’s home because he/she does retreat to the bedroom later in the story, but readers have minimal mental pictures of the setting at best. (“ I went up to my bed room and I threw the duct tape over to the sack of duct tape from 12 years ago.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. The writer does not describe characters using sensorial descriptions that could give readers a visual image of each character; instead, the writer merely mentions them. (“ My mom gave me a big chocolate cake. Once I laid my eyes on that cake my taste bud started to spin. Right when I was going to eat my bite of that cake my dad shouted wait! Dont forget to open my present.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is minimally developed. (“Dont forget to open my present. Fine Dad I will. I said unexcitedly. I opend it nonsuprisingly and I said oh look here duct tape! I said sarcastickly.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. The flow of the story is difficult to follow because of gaps in time, background information, and sequence. The writer does not provide an ending that would give readers a sense of closure.

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“ Happy Birthday! My Dad yelled. It was my birthday and every year my dad gives me the same thing. Duct Tape, Duct Tape, and Duct Tape.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Once I laid my eyes on that cake my taste bud started to spin. Right when I was going to eat my bite of that cake my dad shouted wait! Dont forget to open my present.”)

The story does not provide an ending that completes the prompt task or gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ A sound awoke me and I think it was talking to me. I replied who is this I said fritened. Its me Duct Tape Larry.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer does not incorporate sufficient content for the readers to grasp the writer’s sense of style, voice, and language in the narrative. Additionally, the writer demonstrates very little awareness of audience or purpose of the task. There are errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short and lack sufficient detail to enhance the writer’s message. The writer should try to create more complex sentences to infuse style and interest into the story. (“ A few seconds passed and I was knocked out. A sound awoke me and I think it was talking to me.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words within sentences in the story. In doing so, the writer’s style and voice have a repetitive tone in the essay response. (“ Happy Birthday! My Dad yelled. It was my birthday and every year my dad gives me the same thing. Duct Tape, Duct Tape, and Duct Tape.”)

The writer misses opportunities to use descriptive language to create pictures of the characters and setting for his/her intended audience. (“ I went up to my bed room and I threw the duct tape over to the sack of duct tape from 12 years ago. I kept on thinking what if were... a vocie shouting inside my head I think. A few seconds passed and I was knocked out. A sound awoke me and I think it was talking to me. I replied who is this I said fritened. Its me Duct Tape Larry.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this very brief, two-paragraph response, the writer exhibits minimal control of mechanics and conventions. There are errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and proofreading for these errors will enhance the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should be sure that the narrative’s sentences have subject-verb agreement, correct punctuation within and at the end of sentences, proper sentence structure, and correct capitalization at the beginning of and within sentences. (“Dont forget to open my present. Fine Dad I will. I said unexcitedly. I opend it nonsuprisingly and I said oh look here duct tape! I said sarcastickly.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

he had two identities. he was to be remained anonymous. what was his secret weapon you would ask? well it was duct tape. he wished that he had spidey powers but unfortunatly no spider bit him and made him like a spider. duct tape was the closest thing he could think of. besides duct tape is sticky and could help he sum day. and webs kind of look the same.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer exhibits inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides very little detail that would give the readers an adequate picture of how duct tape saves the day in the narrative’s plot.

The story does not state the main event of the story. This would provide the readers with background information necessary to understand the context of the writer’s response. (“ he had two identities. he was to be remained anonymous. what was his secret weapon you would ask? well it was duct tape.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. The writer does not focus on what could happen next, or the choices the main character makes that reveal how duct tape saves the day in the writer’s story line. (“ he wished that he had spidey powers but unfortunatly no spider bit him and made him like a spider. duct tape was the closest thing he could think of.”)

The writer does not provide any meaningful scenarios that would give the readers a picture of what could happen to the character. The writer cuts the narrative so short, that the ways in which duct tape could save the day are never addressed. (“duct tape was the closest thing he could think of. besides duct tape is sticky and could help he sum day.”)

Content & Development

In this short essay response, the writer does not provide adequate details that could develop the main events of the story. (“ he had two identities. he was to be remained anonymous. what was his secret weapon you would ask? well it was duct tape. he wished that he had spidey powers but unfortunatly no spider bit him and made him like a spider.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. The writer neglects to provide adequate sensory details about the characters that could enlighten the readers as to how the characters look, speak, feel, and so on. (“ he had two identities. he was to be remained anonymous.”)

There is no dialogue used to reveal what the characters think or say aloud. (“ he wished that he had spidey powers but unfortunatly no spider bit him and made him like a spider.”)

Organization

The ideas in the essay response are organized inadequately. The writer offers no identifiable introduction that would entice or prepare the readers for what is to come in the narrative. Not only does the story lack the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, there are also serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. The beginning does not creatively grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. In fact, the writer’s inexplicable reference to the main character leads to a very confusing opening. (“ he had two identities. he was to be remained anonymous.”) Events in the narrative have gaps in time and sequence, which renders this short response ineffective. (“ he wished that he had spidey powers but unfortunatly no spider bit him and made him like a spider. duct tape was the closest thing he could think of”) The story does not include an ending that summarizes the story or leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ besides duct tape is sticky and could help he sum day. and webs kind of look the same.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of many of the sentences are too short and do not provide the necessary details or structure to make this an effective response to the prompt task. (“ he had two identities. he was to be remained anonymous.”) The writer’s incorrect use of selected word choices impedes meaning for the intended audience. (“ he was to be remained anonymous.. besides duct tape is sticky and could help he sum day.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose of the narrative to the intended audience. (“ he had two identities. he was to be remained anonymous.what was his secret weapon you would ask? well it was duct tape.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. The writer commits errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the message. T he writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and assure correct spelling and usage of selected word choices. (“he had two identities. he was to be remained anonymous. what was his secret weapon you would ask? well it was duct tape. he wished that he had spidey powers but unfortunatly no spider bit him and made him like a spider. duct tape was the closest thing he could think of. besides duct tape is sticky and could help he sum day. and webs kind of look the same.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Encounter with a Spaceship

Imagine you wake up one morning to find a spaceship has landed on your lawn. Write a story about what happens next.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Saturday, May 12th, was a boring day, but not for long. I would soon be reeled off into an experience I would say, the most thrilling nightmare of my life. Two days prior to that, my mum had gone to Burma for a long week on a church mission trip. Of course, out of misery, I had no desire to do anything, as she was not around to accompany me. The three of us, we always do things together, thus, the attachment is very strong. The next day, in the evening, my father suggested we go for a movie at the IMAX theater. Actually, I am not in favor of late night movies, but just to accompany him and knowing he too missed my mum, I consented. I knew it was not a good idea at all, as I was not able to sleep well after such a movie.

We drove to Times Square which is in the heart of the city, and bought two tickets with good seats. We then purchased a big box of popcorn, a coke and went into the theatre. As usual, the movie started with some commercials. Soon we were told to wear our 3D glasses, sit back and relax on the chair. This movie was about a spaceship which ended its fate with a terrible crash. To me the whole scene was rather horrifying. There were four crew members but only one managed to survive. After the survivor had recovered from the shock, he buried his other three crew members, mumbled a short prayer to the Divine One, and then went ahead to look for water and a place for shelter.

He went through terrible situations encountering difficult paths, strange creatures that tried to attack him, and on top of that hunger and thirst. He nearly passed out, until someone came to his rescue. I was so engrossed in the scenes, even after it ended, I was so overwhelmed by it that I felt so cold and muzzy in the head, as I walked toward the car. Fortunately, my dad did not noticed it. That night, I went to bed feeling very awkward. Before I knew it, I too was encountering my own adventure. I was awakened by a loud crash and a loud 'thud' followed by continuous booming engine sound, as though an aircraft had landed outside our lawn. Shortly, my clock struck five times and realized that it was already morning, and I wondered what it could actually be. As my room was at the back, I was not able to find out what had happened. When I came out of my room, I found out my dad was fast asleep, totally undisturbed. As quietly as I could I went down stairs, and opened the front door. Right before me stood a gigantic spaceship in front of the garage, and amazingly our garden was able to accommodate it.

The first thing I noticed, the door of the spaceship was opened. I was somehow lured into the spacecraft, because of its captivating brilliant colors. It was cylindrical shape and about 500 feet tall. Its interior has many chambers of which I lost count of, but very well designed. Everyone had words engraved on it, a language I cannot comprehend. Out of curiosity, I simply picked the second chamber which is red in color, my favorite color and entered. The walk was rather long that half-way I wanted to give up, but something urged me to go on. It was as though I had walked for ages, but in no time, I reached the control center of the spaceship. It was quite a huge room by itself. When I entered, an auto scanner scanned my whole body and within seconds and invisible door closed behind me.

Great fear began to grip at my heart and I started searching frantically for the button to make the door open. While I was doing so, a red 'evacuate' button caught my eyes. Without hesitation, I pressed it. It only made things worse. Instantaneously, I could see from the screen from the control center, all the doors throughout the spacecraft began to close and the spacecraft just blasted off. I had never learned how to fly a plane, although I had read quite a fair bit in the course of my studies, let alone a gigantic spaceship. It had almost left earth, and I was getting more and more frightened. Suddenly, I remembered my mom statement "always call on Jesus " and in that instant, I muttered the word Jesus. Immediately the engine died off and it fell headlong to the ground. I did not know exactly what happened then. I only knew I was clinging on to the steering for my dear life. Subsequently, I was awakened by my alarm clock and found that my whole body was engulfed with sweat. My pillow was on the floor and I then realized that it was just a dream. Thank God it was only a dream. I told myself and even my dad that I should never watch such horrible movies late at night. What an encounter!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay maintains very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, providing description and vivid details regarding the plot and characters relevant to the story. (“The first thing I noticed, the door of the spaceship was opened. I was somehow lured into the spacecraft, because of its captivating brilliant colors. It was cylindrical shape and about 500 feet tall. Its interior has many chambers of which I lost count of, but very well designed.”)

Content & Development

The content of the essay is developed very efficiently. The plot and setting are thoroughly developed and detailed. The writer clearly establishes a conflict that heightens the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story. (“Great fear began to grip at my heart and I started searching frantically for the button to make the door open. While I was doing so, a red 'evacuate' button caught my eyes. Without hesitation, I pressed it. It only made things worse. Instantaneously, I could see from the screen from the control center, all the doors throughout the spacecraft began to close and the spacecraft just blasted off.”)

Organization

This essay is organized very effectively with seven paragraphs. The author captures readers’ attention with a clever opening to the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. (“The first thing I noticed, the door of the spaceship was opened. I was somehow lured into the spacecraft, because of its captivating brilliant colors. It was cylindrical shape and about 500 feet tall. Its interior has many chambers of which I lost count of, but very well designed. Everyone had words engraved on it, a language I cannot comprehend. Out of curiosity, I simply picked the second chamber which is red in color, my favorite color and entered.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience are evident to readers. In addition, sentences are well structured and varied. (“We drove to Times Square which is in the heart of the city, and bought two tickets with good seats. We then purchased a big box of popcorn, a coke and went into the theatre. As usual, the movie started with some commercials. Soon we were told to wear our 3D glasses, sit back and relax on the chair. This movie was about a spaceship which ended its fate with a terrible crash. To me the whole scene was rather horrifying.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay, with few er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“Immediately the engine died off and it fell headlong to the ground. I did not know exactly what happened then. I only knew I was clinging on to the steering for my dear life. Subsequently, I was awakened by my alarm clock and found that my whole body was engulfed with sweat.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One night during a hot summer in July, I heard a weird noise on my lawn. I quickly grabbed the covers off the floor, which I have thrown during the night, and quickly put them on top of me. I really didn't know what the sound was but I was really scared. Under the covers I was trembling with fear hoping it was some kind of animal who made that sonic loud noise on the lawn. But what kind of animal, can make such a loud noise. Then I gave up, my mind was full with curiosity. Then, when I got my courage back I slowly got up from my bed which was no help because it made a screeching noise when I got up, and went to my window to take a peek.

Then I froze with fear and wanted to scream but I no words came out of my mouth. I couldn't believe it it was a real spaceship, and it was on my lawn, on my lawn! I quickly started running down the stairs with great enthusiasm I tripped and rolled down the hard like stone stairs. I hope my parents didn't hear anything because when I got to the bottom I crashed into the table in front of me which is were the phone is. When I got up from the floor my head hurt but I didn't care I just headed out the door.

When I was outside the spaceship was still there I wanted to go back but I couldn't give up now because I wanted to know what was inside of it. It was a beautiful thing. With it's lights going around in a circle. There was many colors going around like reds and blues and greens and purples. I wanted to climb in but the sides were to slick and slippery so I tried a chair that was near and climbed. It was a hard way but I managed to do it. When I got to the to the top it was empty. I started to tremble again, what if the thing that was driving this spaceship left? I slipped as I closed the spaceship's door and hurt myself, again. This time I landed on my arm and it started to hurt as soon as I got up because it was pretty high up on the spaceship. I started to run and went inside and locked all the doors and windows on my house. I went to my room and as I opened it there it was a creature on my closet.

I turned on the light. It disgusted me I mean the creature because he had about ten tentacles with this ugly sticky gooey green slime coming down from those things. He or she or whatever it was, was ugly with three eyes and bumpy wet skin. He did this awful noise like if the thing were to say "Get out ".Once again I felt like screaming but no words came out so I ran. That ugly thing got my leg and it burn like if his hands had acid and when I pulled away my leg was all red. I ran this time screaming like crazy, my parents got out of their room and said what was going on but I just pulled them away and into their room and called the police.

When the police got here everything went wild. Neighbors were watching like always something happens or when the police come to any house, dogs were barking kids were crying and everything was a mess. But it was to late because when they came the thing left and everybody got to see it even the police when they got out of their cars. I learned something. Don't be curious around spaceships and that I got hurt real bad.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are good. The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The plot is described, and relevant details regarding the main character’s experiences are discussed. (“One night during a hot summer in July, I heard a weird noise on my lawn. I quickly grabbed the covers off the floor, which I have thrown during the night, and quickly put them on top of me. I really didn't know what the sound was but I was really scared. Under the covers I was trembling with fear hoping it was some kind of animal who made that sonic loud noise on the lawn.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content and development are good. A well-developed plot and setting are provided in detailed paragraphs. (“I turned on the light. It disgusted me I mean the creature because he had about ten tentacles with this ugly sticky gooey green slime coming down from those things. He or she or whatever it was, was ugly with three eyes and bumpy wet skin. He did this awful noise like if the thing were to say ‘Get out.’”)

Organization

This essay is organized well. It includes a proper opening and suitable conclusion. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. (“ Then, when I got my courage back I slowly got up from my bed which was no help because it made a screeching noise when I got up, and went to my window to take a peek. Then I froze with fear and wanted to scream but I no words came out of my mouth. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured with some variety. (“When the police got here everything went wild. Neighbors were watching like always something happens or when the police come to any house, dogs were barking kids were crying and everything was a mess. But it was to late because when they came the thing left and everybody got to see it even the police when they got out of their cars.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the author’s message. (“ But it was to late because when they came the thing left and everybody got to see it even the police when they got out of their cars. I learned something. Don't be curious around spaceships and that I got hurt real bad.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was a beautiful day with the sun out. I decided to go outside after my chores were done to take a little walk. I did my bed, cleaned my room, and went to go eat breakfast. After eating breakfast, I went to go get dressed. On top of the counter I left a little note telling my parents that I will be back soon because I went on a walk.I walked out of my house, and locked the door. As soon I was out of the driveway I stopped. I looked backed, and was disturbed to see what I was looking at. At first, I was a little scared. In my own words, I believe I was the only one to see this object.

At first, it was the first thing I have ever seen in my life. It was a spaceship. To me it was unbelievable, and everybody was waving to me like nothing. The spaceship was imaginary. There was a little letter on the doorway and it told me that I've been selected for an important job. Outside was an imaginary spaceship, but it wouldn't be imaginary in 2 hours. After the time is up everybody will see it, and if everybody sees it aliens will attack your world. This is a mission, and you need to take this spaceship to the park and drop it off. " I didn't know if I could do this, but I wanted to try my best. I didn't want my world to be attacked by aliens. I was on a mission and i was expected to do it. After all, I went to my mission instead of walking. I didn't want no one to know about this.

I said to myself. I was in the spaceship ready for take off. I had already wasted 1 hour by reading the instructions menu. I didn't want to get hurt, or crash. The very first thing I did was put on my seat belt, and insert the spaceship keys. Whoa! It made a loud noise. YES! I was already driving the spaceship in the sky. At first it was a little difficult but it got easy for me. I saw the park, and landed. I was flying all over. I opened the door, and went out. I didn't see no one, but then from faraway I saw two aliens coming toward me. At first, I was scared but I thought about the letter. "Hello, I see you have done our mission, and I am very glad about you doing this. If you wouldn't do this we would've attack your world. "

The alien told me this and went in the spaceship and took off. In my mind I told my self that I did this mission for no reason, and they didn't even give me a reward. I went home, and my parents, and a lot of neighbors were outside my house. I told them what happened and they said they won the lottery. To me it was a miracle, and the aliens did give me, and my parents an award. Last of all, it was worth doing this mission for my parents, my neighbors, and the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are adequate. A basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated by the writer. Relevant descriptions and details are provided regarding the characters’ experience. (“It was a beautiful day with the sun out. I decided to go outside after my chores were done to take a little walk. I did my bed, cleaned my room, and went to go eat breakfast. After eating breakfast, I went to go get dressed. On top of the counter I left a little note telling my parents that I will be back soon because I went on a walk.I walked out of my house, and locked the door. As soon I was out of the driveway I stopped. I looked backed, and was disturbed to see what I was looking at.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting that holds readers’ attention and creates suspense for what will happen in the story. (“At first, it was the first thing I have ever seen in my life. It was a spaceship. To me it was unbelievable, and everybody was waving to me like nothing. The spaceship was imaginary. There was a little letter on the doorway and it told me that I've been selected for an important job.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is adequate, with a generally unified structure. There is an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers’ attention, but it may be lacking in depth. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to the next with transitions to support sequential development. (“As soon I was out of the driveway I stopped. I looked backed, and was disturbed to see what I was looking at. At first, I was a little scared. In my own words, I believe I was the only one to see this object.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is adequate; however, there are some awkward sentences or improper ordering of words. (“This is a mission, and you need to take this spaceship to the park and drop it off.’ I didn't know if I could do this, but I wanted to try my best. I didn't want my world to be attacked by aliens. I was on a mission and i was expected to do it. After all, I went to my mission instead of walking. I didn't want no one to know about this.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“I didn't see no one, but then from faraway I saw two aliens coming toward me. At first, I was scared but I thought about the letter. ‘Hello, I see you have done our mission, and I am very glad about you doing this. If you wouldn't do this we would've attack your world.’”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One day when I was mowing the lawn a giant spaceship landed right in front of me and the door began to creek open and out came a four eyed alien in a space suit. It began to say things in its alien tongue, and then it held a peice of mechinery in its hand and shoved it in my ear and started speaking to me but this time I could understand what the creature was saying. He told me his name was Vbnak from the planet poke' mon.

The alian started speaking Jiberish and i was freaking out. Then, it pulled out a huge shot gun so I pulled out my water gun. It wasn't fair. But I didn't give up because I am an American. Then he pulled out a big bun and tried to put me in it so he could eat me alive! I stuggled. I couldn't get out of his little pink hands. But, I knew a weakness the alian had. I pulled out my stuffed bear and the alian shreaked in horror. He didn't know what to do. He started hitting the wall and running in circles. It was really weird.

So I ran for the exit. He overcame the weakness and put the ship on lock down and i slide up a door but i didn't know where i would end up. Then i saw sac of fliuld hagning from the cellin the were grow scary creatures that looked like ugly monsters. So i got my squirt gun and one squirt and a 1,000,000 sac fell down. I ducked. So as the creatures fell they screamed loud chirpes of exitement as the alien dissapeard into the distance. The little creatures looked up at me and followed me as i mowed untill my mom came out and saw all of the distruction done to the yard. she got so angry that i got grownded for 5 monthes and the little creatures follow me to this very day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. There are a few details and descriptions used in the essay. Some of the details used in the essay may not be relevant to the story. (“It began to say things in its alien tongue, and then it held a peice of mechinery in its hand and shoved it in my ear and started speaking to me but this time I could understand what the creature was saying. He told me his name was Vbnak from the planet poke' mon.”)

Content & Development

The content and development are limited in this essay. The plot, setting, and characters are only adequately developed, and the essay lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happened in the story. The conflict in the story is stated, but it is not fully developed. (“ The alian started speaking Jiberish and i was freaking out. Then, it pulled out a huge shot gun so I pulled out my water gun. It wasn't fair. But I didn't give up because I am an American. Then he pulled out a big bun and tried to put me in it so he could eat me alive! I stuggled.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this essay. A brief, adequate opening is provided. Transitions are few, weak, and the reader is provided with a limited sense of closure. (“The little creatures looked up at me and followed me as i mowed untill my mom came out and saw all of the distruction done to the yard. she got so angry that i got grownded for 5 monthes and the little creatures follow me to this very day.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and less than adequate word usage and control of voice. The essay has simple sentences with poor sentence structure and word choice. (“ I couldn't get out of his little pink hands. But, I knew a weakness the alian had. I pulled out my stuffed bear and the alian shreaked in horror. He didn't know what to do. He started hitting the wall and running in circles. It was really weird.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“Then i saw sac of fliuld hagning from the cellin the were grow scary creatures that looked like ugly monsters. So i got my squirt gun and one squirt and a 1,000,000 sac fell down.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

As i lay thinking in my bed at 11:30 at night, i hear a noise outside, i get up out f my bed, because i am wide awake, and go to the back door. I stand there looking at the water in my pool, crystal clear, and glass like because ot looke so still. I turn around feeling stupid that i went all the way to the door for no reson when i feel the sense to turn back round.

So i do, i cannot see anything i am blided by the light. It was so bright i could not even see out of the sliding door. So i slowly open the door and walk outside, i was terified to what i was going to see next. I see something move, i really wanted to run back inside and climb nto lilke this never happened. I keep walking slowly i look up to see a huge spaceship. I do not know wat to think anymore.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are minimal. The author makes very little attempt to demonstrate understanding of the purpose and only completes a few parts of the task. The author doesn’t begin talking about his experience until the last paragraph. (“So i do, i cannot see anything i am blided by the light. It was so bright i could not even see out of the sliding door. So i slowly open the door and walk outside, i was terified to what i was going to see next.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content is minimally developed throughout. There are some good ideas set forth, but they are not well developed. Few details are used. (“i really wanted to run back inside and climb nto lilke this never happened. I keep walking slowly i look up to see a huge spaceship. I do not know wat to think anymore.”)

Organization

The essay consists of two short paragraphs. It has very little in terms of an introduction or conclusion. It is unclear as to whether the second paragraph is actually the body paragraph or the conclusion. (“i really wanted to run back inside and climb nto lilke this never happened. I keep walking slowly i look up to see a huge spaceship. I do not know wat to think anymore.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. There are basic errors in sentence structure and usage. (“I turn around feeling stupid that i went all the way to the door for no reson when i feel the sense to turn back round.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“So i do, i cannot see anything i am blided by the light. It was so bright i could not even see out of the sliding door. So i slowly open the door and walk outside, i was terified to what i was going to see next.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A spaceship on your lawn is one of a few things you know that will never happen. That's what I thought before it happened. It was five in the morning and i was awake because of a bad dream when a of a sudden BOOM!!! and the room shook. "MOM!!! " I yelled.Not only did my mom come but so did my dad and my big brother. "what was that? " my brother asked. "not sure I'll go check " my dad said.With that my dad stated to walk ot to the backyard. "OH MY GOSH!!!KIDS!,HUNNY! COME HERE!!! " I heard my dad yell.all three of us ran as fast as we could out of the house.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. Almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. There may be a brief mention of an encounter with a spaceship, but the essay has a serious lack of focus for a high-school-level prompt. (“A spaceship on your lawn is one of a few things you know that will never happen. That's what I thought before it happened. It was five in the morning and i was awake because of a bad dream when a of a sudden BOOM!!! and the room shook.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are inadequate. It consists of only one short paragraph. The paragraph contains few ideas, and they are poorly developed. Characters are severely limited in scope or are not developed at all. Also, there is a complete absence of conflict. (“’what was that?’ my brother asked. ‘not sure I'll go check’ my dad said.With that my dad stated to walk ot to the backyard.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate as it only contains one paragraph without an introduction or conclusion. The story lacks any organization as there is no clear beginning, middle, or end. Also, there is no evidence of transitional devices between sentences and ideas. (“ With that my dad stated to walk ot to the backyard. ‘OH MY GOSH!!!KIDS!,HUNNY! COME HERE!!!’ I heard my dad yell.all three of us ran as fast as we could out of the house.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. There is unclear language and word choice. Throughout the essay, major errors in sentence structure and usage are found. (“I yelled.Not only did my mom come but so did my dad and my big brother. ‘what was that?’ my brother asked. ‘not sure I'll go check’ my dad said.With that my dad stated to walk ot to the backyard.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“I yelled.Not only did my mom come but so did my dad and my big brother. ‘what was that?’ my brother asked. ‘not sure I'll go check’ my dad said.With that my dad stated to walk ot to the backyard.”)

Exploring on the Moon

Imagine that you live in a city on the moon. One morning you wake up and decide to explore. Write a story about what happens next.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It started off as a normal day living on the moon. I woke up to my mom yelling for me to wake up and eat breakfast. As she was yelling I thought about what I eat for breakfast. "I wish we had more than just eggs, juice, and toast every day" I mutter as I get out of bed and stumble over to the table still half asleep. I guess I shouldn't complain though, because we paid a huge amount of money to live here. It's been exciting but boring at the same time. I have a great time seeing all the new scenes, but there's no one here for me to have fun with. All my friends are at home, and the only way to talk is to use one of the satellite phones which are too big and heavy to carry around. After I eat breakfast, I decide to go out and explore a little.

Exploring is the only thing I have left to do for entertainment. The moon is huge, and I've only seen a few miles around my apartment. We have a small community, and we have only one building where people can live so far. It's hard, since people have to go out there and see if it's safe to make another community. The apartment itself looks like any other one on Earth. The apartment is silver with huge windows showing the outside scene. There are 9 floors with 10 rooms on each floor. We haven't exactly named it anything yet. We just call it The Hotel because saying “home” makes us think of our home on Earth. I'm not really homesick with all the excitement of moving to the moon, but some of the older people are. You would think everything would look high tech, now that were living on the moon; but everything looks normal except for the suits we have to wear. All the buildings have air systems to pump oxygen into them so we don't have to wear the suits inside the buildings.

Once I step outside, I feel that feeling of restlessness again. The gravity is not as strong as it is on the Earth and its fun jumping around. I begin to explore where I stopped off. I mark where I stop at with a red stone I found on the first day and a picket I made. I pick them up and put the stone in one of the numerous pockets I have in my suit. I carry the picket in my hand and I begin to explore. In the beginning, it's boring and as I continue I find myself drifting. All of sudden I slip and fall. I watch in amazement as I stare through the translucent ice and see all kinds of fish I've never seen before. I realize I slipped on a frozen surface of a lake. The fish are all multi colored, flashing out from the gray, murky water and plain surroundings.

After I've seen enough, I mark it so I can find it again. I decide not to tell anyone. I want to keep it my secret and something only I know about. I move on excited now, that I found something no one else knew about. I keep on moving and eventually I begin to get tired and I sit down for a short rest. Now that I think about it, I regret not bringing anything to eat or drink. My throat is dry and my tongue is parched. I decide to move on anyway.

After a few minutes, I feel a small tremble and it gets stronger and stronger until I can't stay on my feet. Then it stops as suddenly as it began. I feel nervous and I almost throw up. I take a few seconds to recover from my dizziness. When I finally clear my head I look up to find a huge temple in front of me. The long steps that lead to the inside of the temple loom in front of me. I look over my shoulder fearfully in case something is sneaking up behind me. I gather myself up and began to walk up the stairs. As I walk up, I see inscriptions of some pictographs I've never seen before. This peaks my curiosity and I began to climb faster. When I get to the top, there is no door and just a wide open hallway. I walk in and there are torches lining the hallway. I feel like Indiana Jones exploring some temple of a lost civilization. I take a torch and began to walk down. As I walk down, I see more of the pictographs. It looks like they are explaining the pictures above the writing. I try to analyze the pictures but can't understand anyone of them other than a few. Even these few I can't tell specifically what they are. They look like huge monuments or buildings made of stone and one almost resembles a pyramid. As I near the end, I see the blinding, white light. After spending so much time looking at pictures in the dim light of the torches, this light blinds me. I run to the end anxious to get out. When I get there, instead of an exit there is an altar with some kind of huge crystal stone. It is a cut stone with many flat sides. At the top on the roof, there is a hole and light falls through. The crystal magnifies the light and makes it seem almost like a miniature sun. It's a magnificent sight with the light shining out of it. I'm tempted for a moment to take it with me, but I decide against it. Even if I did it would be hard to conceal and wouldn't shine as magnificently without the light going through it. As I think this, the wall in front of me slides open and reveals the exit.

As I leave, I glance at the crystal one more time. I am exhausted but restless with my new discovery. I mark my place, as always, and set back to The Hotel. As I go back I think of how moving to the moon might not be so bad after all. I would just have to make new friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story, reflectively showcasing his/her talents in a narrative of exploring on the moon.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer builds anticipation throughout the narrative for the adventure of exploring on the moon. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are experiencing the sensation of being on the moon for themselves. (“All of sudden I slip and fall. I watch in amazement as I stare through the translucent ice and see all kinds of fish I've never seen before. I realize I slipped on a frozen surface of a lake. The fish are all multi colored, flashing out from the gray, murky water and plain surroundings.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the vivid scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences of exploring on the moon. (“Once I step outside, I feel that feeling of restlessness again. The gravity is not as strong as it is on the Earth and its fun jumping around. I begin to explore where I stopped off. I mark where I stop at with a red stone I found on the first day and a picket I made.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. Supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“After a few minutes, I feel a small tremble and it gets stronger and stronger until I can't stay on my feet. Then it stops as suddenly as it began. I feel nervous and I almost throw up. I take a few seconds to recover from my dizziness. When I finally clear my head I look up to find a huge temple in front of me.”)

Content & Development

The narrative contains very effective content and development. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of his/her new surroundings and the writer’s experiences in exploration. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a typical scenario centered on the main character. (“It started off as a normal day living on the moon. I woke up to my mom yelling for me to wake up and eat breakfast. As she was yelling I thought about what I eat for breakfast. "I wish we had more than just eggs, juice, and toast every day" I mutter as I get out of bed and stumble over to the table still half asleep.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find why the writer is looking for entertainment. (“It's been exciting but boring at the same time. I have a great time seeing all the new scenes, but there's no one here for me to have fun with. All my friends are at home, and the only way to talk is to use one of the satellite phones which are too big and heavy to carry around. After I eat breakfast, I decide to go out and explore a little.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the scenery throughout the narrative. (“As I walk up, I see inscriptions of some pictographs I've never seen before. This peaks my curiosity and I began to climb faster. When I get to the top, there is no door and just a wide open hallway. I walk in and there are torches lining the hallway.”)

Organization

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the setting on the moon, enticing readers to find out more. (“Exploring is the only thing I have left to do for entertainment. The moon is huge, and I've only seen a few miles around my apartment. We have a small community, and we have only one building where people can live so far.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events. (“I'm not really homesick with all the excitement of moving to the moon, but some of the older people are. You would think everything would look high tech, now that were living on the moon; but everything looks normal except for the suits we have to wear.”)

A very effective ending is demonstrated that emphasizes how his/her opinion of home changes from the beginning of the story to the end. (“As I leave, I glance at the crystal one more time. I am exhausted but restless with my new discovery. I mark my place, as always, and set back to The Hotel. As I go back I think of how moving to the moon might not be so bad after all. I would just have to make new friends.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences while exploring on the moon. (“When I finally clear my head I look up to find a huge temple in front of me. The long steps that lead to the inside of the temple loom in front of me. I look over my shoulder fearfully in case something is sneaking up behind me. I gather myself up and began to walk up the stairs. ”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement. (“I move on excited now, that I found something no one else knew about. I keep on moving and eventually I begin to get tired and I sit down for a short rest. Now that I think about it, I regret not bringing anything to eat or drink. My throat is dry and my tongue is parched. I decide to move on anyway. ”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s feelings throughout the narrative. (“As I near the end, I see the blinding, white light. After spending so much time looking at pictures in the dim light of the torches, this light blinds me. I run to the end anxious to get out. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“We just call it The Hotel because saying ‘home’ makes us think of our home on Earth. I'm not really homesick with all the excitement of moving to the moon, but some of the older people are. You would think everything would look high tech, now that were living on the moon; but everything looks normal except for the suits we have to wear. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

As I arose from my bed, I acknowledged that my room was still flooded with darkness. Mother had explained to me that this would take some getting used to, as a result of there being a drought of light here. As I descended down the stairs and into the main part of the dwelling, It caught my attention that I was the only one in this part of the dwelling. I knew that father was working with all the other men on getting the colony somewhat civilized, but I didn't have the faintest idea of where Mother or my brother Cole were. This was our fourth day up here, and I was already getting homesick.

Since only thirty-thousand and some odd people survived, there were not many things to do to amuse me. The rest of the people were either killed off by the previous planet's decay, or one of the volunteer pilots did not manage their vessel right on their way up. I decided that there was no one to do anything with, so I decided to take a stroll outside. On my way out, I stumbled over a pile of equipment. As I was preparing for impact with the ground, I remembered that gravity was no longer part of our lives. I started thinking about all the things that weren't part of our lives anymore, one of the things I miss the most is a simple glass of water. We now used hydrator masks, but it wasn't the same.

As I drifted out of our dwelling I was noticing how large this place actually was. I had seen it in pictures and through telescopes, however, from that perspective it seemed to be microscopic. Mother had told me not to ponder on these subjects for long because she said it would effect my mental state in a negative way. I looked straight ahead of where I was standing, and saw all of the machines that were being used to build this structure that father had referred to as "The Pyramid." He called it this because it was so challenging to build because the Earth machines were being effected by the new environment, and it made everything more difficult.

When I took a look at the stars, and into the vast space, I felt like a speck of dirt, waiting to be stepped on. It was the first time I had been outside since we had arrived. I started to lose myself in the open space,wondering if I could get any closer to the stars I once saw from an opposing view. Before I could comprehend anything that was taking place, I was bewildered, and could see nothing for miles. There was a sense of sentimental feeling, knowing that I was so far from my home away from home. I had no great sense of direction, but could faintly recall from which direction I had come. I decided to roll the dice and proceed in that direction.

Sure enough, I walked for miles, and saw emptiness. I was reluctantly pondering on the thought of giving up hope, until I miraculously stumbed upon what looked to be a large pole that had once been stuck in the ground. It may have looked like a pole to another being, but to me it was a ray of hope. The pole had footholds implanted in the sides of it, so I could ascend higher to get a lengthier, better view of the plain. I climbed every step with my eyes closed, hoping that when I arrived at the summit, I would see an entire community of survivors looking for me. When I opened my eyes to see what I could manage through my blurry vision, I saw my younger brother, Cole, trying fritfully to wake me up in time for school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. He/she demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant.

In the beginning, the supporting events are well-stated. The writer focuses the narrative on background information for support. (“The rest of the people were either killed off by the previous planet's decay, or one of the volunteer pilots did not manage their vessel right on their way up. I decided that there was no one to do anything with, so I decided to take a stroll outside.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“There was a sense of sentimental feeling, knowing that I was so far from my home away from home. I had no great sense of direction, but could faintly recall from which direction I had come. I decided to roll the dice and proceed in that direction.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides effective descriptions that focus on an exploration of the moon. (“I was reluctantly pondering on the thought of giving up hope, until I miraculously stumbed upon what looked to be a large pole that had once been stuck in the ground. It may have looked like a pole to another being, but to me it was a ray of hope. The pole had footholds implanted in the sides of it, so I could ascend higher to get a lengthier, better view of the plain.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as he/she explores on the moon. (“On my way out, I stumbled over a pile of equipment. As I was preparing for impact with the ground, I remembered that gravity was no longer part of our lives. I started thinking about all the things that weren't part of our lives anymore, one of the things I miss the most is a simple glass of water. We now used hydrator masks, but it wasn't the same.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“When I took a look at the stars, and into the vast space, I felt like a speck of dirt, waiting to be stepped on. It was the first time I had been outside since we had arrived. I started to lose myself in the open space,wondering if I could get any closer to the stars I once saw from an opposing view. ”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Since only thirty-thousand and some odd people survived, there were not many things to do to amuse me. The rest of the people were either killed off by the previous planet's decay, or one of the volunteer pilots did not manage their vessel right on their way up. I decided that there was no one to do anything with, so I decided to take a stroll outside.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“As I arose from my bed, I acknowledged that my room was still flooded with darkness. Mother had explained to me that this would take some getting used to, as a result of there being a drought of light here. As I descended down the stairs and into the main part of the dwelling, It caught my attention that I was the only one in this part of the dwelling. ”)

Transitions are used to connect events. (“Before I could comprehend anything that was taking place, I was bewildered, and could see nothing for miles. There was a sense of sentimental feeling, knowing that I was so far from my home away from home. I had no great sense of direction, but could faintly recall from which direction I had come. I decided to roll the dice and proceed in that direction. ”)

An effective ending is included. (“I climbed every step with my eyes closed, hoping that when I arrived at the summit, I would see an entire community of survivors looking for me. When I opened my eyes to see what I could manage through my blurry vision, I saw my younger brother, Cole, trying fritfully to wake me up in time for school. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

Language and tone are consistent. (“As I arose from my bed, I acknowledged that my room was still flooded with darkness. Mother had explained to me that this would take some getting used to, as a result of there being a drought of light here. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“On my way out, I stumbled over a pile of equipment. As I was preparing for impact with the ground, I remembered that gravity was no longer part of our lives. I started thinking about all the things that weren't part of our lives anymore, one of the things I miss the most is a simple glass of water. We now used hydrator masks, but it wasn't the same. ”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the adventure of exploring on the moon. (“Sure enough, I walked for miles, and saw emptiness. I was reluctantly pondering on the thought of giving up hope, until I miraculously stumbed upon what looked to be a large pole that had once been stuck in the ground. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“There was a sense of sentimental feeling, knowing that I was so far from my home away from home. I had no great sense of direction, but could faintly recall from which direction I had come. I decided to roll the dice and proceed in that direction. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Hi,my name is Mary and I live on the moon. One day,I invited my friends,Karen and Emma. When they got there,I offered them my ideas of things we could do,but then Emma said the words. Emma asked, "Can we go to the dark side of the moon?" I never thought of that,but Karen and I answered, "Ok." The problem was we couldn't see where we were going. The next thing I knew we were all at the bottom of a dark green hole.

All of us didn't know what to do,then I remembered something. I yelled out, "I have a shovel!" Then I heard an echo and I looked up,the hole was so deep. I ignored that we were so low and started to dig. I was wondering who's turn it was,so I asked. Emma said, "It's Karen's turn." While Karen said, "I thought it was your turn." So they fought for five minutes straight and Emma won.

So,as it was Karen's turn she hit something. She yelled out and then we started to help her get it out of the ground. We saw that it was silver. Emma and I were hoping that it was a microwave with food inside because both of us were starving. We couldn't wait to see what it was. Then Karen told us to take a break.

When she yanked it out she was so happy. Karen then yelled out, "They are three jet packs." We looked at them for ten minutes trying to find the power button. Then we got bored and just put them on. We waited five minutes,until Emma said, "I just want to go home!"

The three jet packs turned on then blew out fire that was as hot as the sun. We flew out of the hole with smiles upon our faces. We saw the purple house by its side. Then we raced for it. Suddenly,it felt like the moon had become an obstacle course,but I ignored it because I could practically feel my house. Its warm,safe glow that I wanted to be in. Then,we finally got there. Karen,Emma,and I were all so relived and we ran inside. We sat on the couch and just relaxed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative and reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides relevant descriptions and details.

The main event of the story is adequately stated. (“Hi,my name is Mary and I live on the moon. One day,I invited my friends,Karen and Emma. When they got there,I offered them my ideas of things we could do,but then Emma said the words. Emma asked, ‘Can we go to the dark side of the moon?’ I never thought of that,but Karen and I answered, ‘Ok.’ The problem was we couldn't see where we were going. The next thing I knew we were all at the bottom of a dark green hole.”)

There is adequate use of dialogue. (“Emma asked, ‘Can we go to the dark side of the moon?’ I never thought of that,but Karen and I answered, ‘Ok.’”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“When she yanked it out she was so happy. Karen then yelled out, ‘They are three jet packs.’ We looked at them for ten minutes trying to find the power button.”)

Details focus on the main event. (“So,as it was Karen's turn she hit something. She yelled out and then we started to help her get it out of the ground. We saw that it was silver.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The response holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“Karen then yelled out, ‘They are three jet packs.’”)

There is adequate information about what happened during the event. (“All of us didn't know what to do,then I remembered something. I yelled out, ‘I have a shovel!’ Then I heard an echo and I looked up,the hole was so deep.”)

The writer provides a conflict in the story when the narrator and her two friends fall into a hole. (“The problem was we couldn't see where we were going. The next thing I knew we were all at the bottom of a dark green hole.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by setting a purpose. (“Hi,my name is Mary and I live on the moon. One day,I invited my friends,Karen and Emma. When they got there,I offered them my ideas of things we could do,but then Emma said the words. Emma asked, ‘Can we go to the dark side of the moon?’ I never thought of that,but Karen and I answered, ‘Ok.’ The problem was we couldn't see where we were going. The next thing I knew we were all at the bottom of a dark green hole. ”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist readers by carrying the events to their ultimate conclusion. (“The three jet packs turned on then blew out fire that was as hot as the sun. We flew out of the hole with smiles upon our faces. We saw the purple house by its side.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“Karen,Emma,and I were all so relived and we ran inside. We sat on the couch and just relaxed. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The narrative generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Then we raced for it. Suddenly,it felt like the moon had become an obstacle course,but I ignored it because I could practically feel my house. Its warm,safe glow that I wanted to be in. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that adequately describes exploring on the moon. (“When she yanked it out she was so happy. Karen then yelled out, ‘They are three jet packs.’ We looked at them for ten minutes trying to find the power button. ”)

Word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“All of us didn't know what to do,then I remembered something. I yelled out, ‘I have a shovel!’ Then I heard an echo and I looked up,the hole was so deep. I ignored that we were so low and started to dig. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One morning I woke up on a saturday, and looked out the window and noticed that im lucky to live on this beautiful moon. So I thought to myself. I have lived on the moon my whole life, and never explored it just for the fun of it. All I know is that the moon isn't made out of cheese. Trust me I know because I discovered that a long time ago when I decided to skip breakfast. so I got my magnifying glass, coat ,and my space suit. I ran out the door for an adventure of a life time!!!

I could hear my mom saying. "Are you not eating breakfast?" But I barley heard her, so I didn't answer. I looked very closely at the moon, and got nothing out of it. It was just brown! I went to get my dad to come, and explore with me. He told me a bunch of amazing things about the moon!!!

Me and my dad had so much fun. I didn't know that he knew so much about the moon. First we ate a piece of the moon to check if we were right that the moon wasn't made out of cheese. We were right. Then we got another piece of the moon, and looked at it on a microscope. It had so many interesting things about it. After we looked up on the internet about the history of the moon. It had so many intresting stories about the moon. In the end we looked on the internet to see what they are going to do with the moon in the future. They are building a hotel for rich people living on the earth. Later that day I knew so much about the moons past, present, and future. I knew I was going to have an adventure of a life time!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Details about characters are limited. (“I went to get my dad to come, and explore with me. He told me a bunch of amazing things about the moon!!!”)

The writer’s focus is limited. He/she focuses limited details on the adventure of exploring on the moon. (“Then we got another piece of the moon, and looked at it on a microscope. It had so many interesting things about it. After we looked up on the internet about the history of the moon.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. The writer needs to expand the details provided throughout the response. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in his/her mind. (“Me and my dad had so much fun. I didn't know that he knew so much about the moon. First we ate a piece of the moon to check if we were right that the moon wasn't made out of cheese. We were right.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters, and it lacks sufficient details. The writer discusses his/her adventure of exploring on the moon but does not include a problem in the story. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events. (“Then we got another piece of the moon, and looked at it on a microscope. It had so many interesting things about it.”)

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“One morning I woke up on a saturday, and looked out the window and noticed that im lucky to live on this beautiful moon. So I thought to myself. I have lived on the moon my whole life, and never explored it just for the fun of it. All I know is that the moon isn't made out of cheese.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters. (“I could hear my mom saying. ‘Are you not eating breakfast?’ But I barley heard her, so I didn't answer.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial reason for the story but falls short on providing adequate details. (“One morning I woke up on a saturday, and looked out the window and noticed that im lucky to live on this beautiful moon. So I thought to myself. I have lived on the moon my whole life, and never explored it just for the fun of it. All I know is that the moon isn't made out of cheese. ”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the narrative. (“First we ate a piece of the moon to check if we were right that the moon wasn't made out of cheese. ”)

A limited ending is demonstrated. (“In the end we looked on the internet to see what they are going to do with the moon in the future. They are building a hotel for rich people living on the earth. Later that day I knew so much about the moons past, present, and future. I knew I was going to have an adventure of a life time! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. It reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Adequate transitions are needed to make this story more effective. (“Then we got another piece of the moon, and looked at it on a microscope. It had so many interesting things about it. After we looked up on the internet about the history of the moon. It had so many intresting stories about the moon. ”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of “I,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“So I thought to myself. I have lived on the moon my whole life, and never explored it just for the fun of it. All I know is that the moon isn't made out of cheese. Trust me I know because I discovered that a long time ago when I decided to skip breakfast. so I got my magnifying glass, coat ,and my space suit. I ran out the door for an adventure of a life time!!! ”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“Me and my dad had so much fun. I didn't know that he knew so much about the moon. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

I start exploring the city. There are lots of things going on. Theres lots of lights and things flashing. Cars driving past me. People talking and walking. There are lots of stores and places to buy things. My favorite place to go would be probably be the video game store. I would go there because I like to play video games. Also I'll fill a crater with water. Then I'll swim in it. Also it would be fun to play football. There would be less gravity. We would be able to jump higher. Or when we throw the ball it will go really high.

The schools are really cool. You can go out to eat. You have to come back on time or you can't do that any more. You can dress how ever you want. You can pick what ever classes you want. You have to go to them if you picked them. Th e lunch is also free. They have bettre food than earth. The teams on the moon are even stronger than earth. On the moon you feel a little shake. Astroid s are always hitting.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The response only minimally states the main event of the story. (“I start exploring the city. There are lots of things going on. Theres lots of lights and things flashing. Cars driving past me. People talking and walking. There are lots of stores and places to buy things. My favorite place to go would be probably be the video game store. I would go there because I like to play video games. Also I'll fill a crater with water.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the adventure of exploring on the moon. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Th e lunch is also free. They have bettre food than earth.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the exploration are minimally developed. (“The schools are really cool. You can go out to eat. You have to come back on time or you can't do that any more. You can dress how ever you want. You can pick what ever classes you want.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details and information that detract from the story. The narrative lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal details are used to develop the main events. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the experiences of exploring on the moon, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“Also it would be fun to play football. There would be less gravity. We would be able to jump higher. Or when we throw the ball it will go really high.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are minimal descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“I start exploring the city. There are lots of things going on. Theres lots of lights and things flashing. Cars driving past me. People talking and walking. There are lots of stores and places to buy things.”)

There is minimal information about physically exploring on the moon, while less important details are more predominant. (“The schools are really cool. You can go out to eat. You have to come back on time or you can't do that any more. You can dress how ever you want. You can pick what ever classes you want. You have to go to them if you picked them.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the narrative demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the writer does not allow the readers to comprehend the setting before moving on. (“I start exploring the city. There are lots of things going on. Theres lots of lights and things flashing. Cars driving past me. People talking and walking. There are lots of stores and places to buy things. My favorite place to go would be probably be the video game store. ”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events. (“Then I'll swim in it. Also it would be fun to play football. There would be less gravity. ”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

Events are often not clearly in order. (“The schools are really cool. You can go out to eat. You have to come back on time or you can't do that any more. You can dress how ever you want. You can pick what ever classes you want. You have to go to them if you picked them. Th e lunch is also free. They have bettre food than earth. The teams on the moon are even stronger than earth. On the moon you feel a little shake. Astroid s are always hitting. ”)

Language Use & Style

The story should include varied and appropriate transitions. (“Th e lunch is also free. They have bettre food than earth. The teams on the moon are even stronger than earth. On the moon you feel a little shake. Astroid s are always hitting. ”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“Also I'll fill a crater with water. Then I'll swim in it. Also it would be fun to play football. There would be less gravity. We would be able to jump higher. ”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“You can dress how ever you want. You can pick what ever classes you want. You have to go to them if you picked them. Th e lunch is also free. They have bettre food than earth. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“The schools are really cool. You can go out to eat. You have to come back on time or you can't do that any more. You can dress how ever you want. You can pick what ever classes you want. You have to go to them if you picked them. Th e lunch is also free. They have bettre food than earth. The teams on the moon are even stronger than earth. On the moon you feel a little shake. Astroid s are always hitting.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Exploring on the Moon

Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. I told my mom I was going to explore and she said I needed to take a lunch some water and a friend or pet. I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme. (“Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. I told my mom I was going to explore and she said I needed to take a lunch some water and a friend or pet. I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick.” )

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. I told my mom I was going to explore and she said I needed to take a lunch some water and a friend or pet.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. ”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. I told my mom I was going to explore and she said I needed to take a lunch some water and a friend or pet. I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, an adventure of exploring on the moon. (“Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. ”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events. (“Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. I told my mom I was going to explore and she said I needed to take a lunch some water and a friend or pet. I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick. ”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There is repetition in the beginning of sentences. (“I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. I told my mom I was going to explore and she said I needed to take a lunch some water and a friend or pet. I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. ”)

The sentences are too informal, and they do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. ”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. I told my mom I was going to explore and she said I needed to take a lunch some water and a friend or pet. I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Hi my name is Cassie and I live on the moon. I woke up one morning and I wanted to explore. I did not know then but I was in for the most fun I have ever had. I told my mom I was going to explore and she said I needed to take a lunch some water and a friend or pet. I took my pet dog with me she is a husky. Her name is roxy. Her name is roxy because she is the only puppy that is not sick.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Facing the Impossible

Often we are faced with tasks that seem impossible. Write a narrative essay about something you were able to accomplish that you first thought would be impossible. Be sure to include specific details and personal examples to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do," a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, was going in and out of my mind as I was waiting in line to experience the fun of falling hundreds and hundreds of feet in the air. With only a rope tied around your feet and waist, my cousins nagging me to try, as if they were dogs pulling at the ankles of my feet, "Come on Priscilla, you aren't scared are you?" Of course I wasn't scared, that's what I kept telling my trembling body, but my body just wouldn't listen.

Teenage boys, is the age my cousins think they are, but really on the inside, they are merely toddlers. A weekend with my cousins in Las Vegas turned out to be a dreadful nightmare. Being in a huge hotel, still didn't keep enough distance between myself and the troublemakers. Playing Ding-Dong-Ditch, was one of the games they would be playing constantly through the night. Wondering if they would ever stop, I lie in my bed thinking of ways to keep them busy enough the next day so that I could relax and do some last minute Christmas shopping. "Ah, ha," then it came to me, I could send them to a showing of The Blue Men to keep them busy. The next day quickly arrived, and I was very excited about having the whole entire day to myself, so I got ready as fast as I could and ran to my cousins' room. When only two of my cousins answered the door, I began to worry. I told them to wake him up because we were going to be late for the show, I soon found out that he wasn't going to wake up, because he caught the flu. So then I knew, instead of having a wonderful time to myself and the mall, I would have to spend the day with the two amigos, watching The Blue Men perform weird tricks for two long hours, which was just the beginning of my horrible weekend. After the show, my cousins decided that they wanted to be daring and attempt to go bungee jumping. Another way of bothering me was making me do things that I didn't want to do, which they always did. They pulled me into the line, other people started to quickly gather behind us, so I knew that there was no escaping the high and mighty fall.

Almost at the top, I started to turn back, which was when I felt something holding me down. My oldest cousin said that I shouldn't be scared, and that I should try it, which was just a funny thing to me because I love my life and was not going to risk it. Another attempt to leave, got me a sock in the arm, "you better not leave," my cousin screamed, so I didn't. As I was two people away from trying this treacherous leap, all I remember was me hoping to God that I was going to be okay. The palm of my hands started to become sweaty, which only happens when I am tremendously terrified. As we were getting closer to the side where we take the fall, I saw a sign that read 373 feet, that's when I knew that I was going to die. Next up, my oldest cousin was getting strapped into the harnesss, and as soon as I blinked I could no longer see him. Finally reaching the top terrified me the most, I knew I couldn't do it if I wanted to survive.

"Next," the man said with not a single expression on his greasy and sweaty face. He single handedly strapped me in and placed a rope that looked as if it would snap like a twig if I tugged hard enough. I got lifted into the sky by what looked like a cherry picker, and there it was, my fate, 373 feet up in the air. I thought of all the taunting that my cousins had put me through, and I knew that it would only get worse if I didn't do this, so I reached over to where I was supposed to fall, and dropped. The wind coming at me as to what seemed like a hundred miles per hour, but it was over in about thirty seconds. I did it, I actually did it, I conquered my fear and fell 373 feet. After I was free from the ropes, I ran to my cousins and got to finally say that I wasn't a wimp. We went back to our room and told my sick cousin what we did, when he told us that he was now especially glad that he didn't go because he wouldn't have done that. We all looked at each other and laughed.

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do," quoted by Eleanor Roosevelt has significance to me, because if it weren't for that quote of hers, I probably would not have been able to say that I conquered my fear of heights. I knew that heights was not my forte, and that I hated them, but this quote helped me by saying that it doesn't matter if I hate them or not, I should do it to show myself that I am invincible.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details all relevant to the story. The story states the main event very effectively and draws readers in with a compelling and emotionally relatable story. All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Essays at this level will never offer irrelevant or completely off-topic advice. They may on occasion offer advice that is only tangentially related to the prompt task, but the vast majority of the content is directly related to the main idea. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. The audience for the story is thoroughly understood. The details of the story support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“With only a rope tied around your feet and waist, my cousins nagging me to try, as if they were dogs pulling at the ankles of my feet, ‘Come on Priscilla, you aren't scared are you?’ Of course I wasn't scared, that's what I kept telling my trembling body, but my body just wouldn't listen.”)

Content & Development

The story has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The story creates complex characters. It clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. The setting is very effectively developed with details. There is very effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). The characters are developed in very effective detail. The outcome/resolution is described very effectively. The story very effectively states a surprise ending, moral, or lesson. (“’You must do the thing you think you cannot do,’ quoted by Eleanor Roosevelt has significance to me, because if it weren't for that quote of hers, I probably would not have been able to say that I conquered my fear of heights.”)

Organization

The story has very effective organization. It captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. It has a conclusion that pulls the entire story together. The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question; a puzzling statement; an unusual fact; a profound quotation, exclamation, or phrase from a character; a flashback; or foreshadowing. Transitions may be used to make the beginning creative/exciting, although it is not necessary as long as the content flows in a cohesive manner. Ideally, the other paragraphs in the essay will use some transitions to help move between ideas. The story demonstrates a very effective ending that is creative and helps teach readers a lesson. (“We went back to our room and told my sick cousin what we did, when he told us that he was now especially glad that he didn't go because he wouldn't have done that. We all looked at each other and laughed.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. Essays at this level never have a poor use of language. Mistakes that are made never impede meaning. (“ The next day quickly arrived, and I was very excited about having the whole entire day to myself, so I got ready as fast as I could and ran to my cousins' room. When only two of my cousins answered the door, I began to worry.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has a very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. Each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation. Essays at this level will rarely show errors in mechanics and conventions, although at the middle-school level, there may occasionally be minor spelling errors. Any errors that are present do not impede meaning. (“ Next up, my oldest cousin was getting strapped into the harnesss, and as soon as I blinked I could no longer see him. Finally reaching the top terrified me the most, I knew I couldn't do it if I wanted to survive.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Have you ever felt like you have accomplished something that might be hard for you? Eleanor Roosevelt once said "you must do the thing you think you cannot do". One thing that makes me feel best about my self is getting into softball. I also wanted to differentiate myself from my sister. There are many things under these categories that I felt I could not do, but tried anyway.

As the youngest daughter of my family, I am always compared to my older sister, Laura. We were a lot alike in a lot of ways and sometimes it bothered me. You see, my dad got her into softball, and she started off doing very well. Later when the season came back around, he asked me if I wanted to see if I liked it too. Since I had nothing else to do and nothing to lose, I decided to try it. By then my sister and my dad were teaching me how to play. Being taught so much at a younger age was very confusing and frustrating. I even thought of forgetting about the whole thing, but I didn’t give up very easily.

After the basics, my sister started teaching me the positions that she knew well. Those positions were first base and catcher. First base was particularly easy. But I thought there was no way I was going to be a catcher because it is, in my opinion, the hardest position to play. But my dad really wanted me to try it, so I did. Some days it was very hard for me and some days it was alright. I did not give up because my dad believed in me and I guess I did too. By the end of the season I was doing very well and I wasn't so frustrated anymore. At the award ceremony I was awarded "the best catcher in the Prep-ball Division". I felt great.

At the same time, Laura was doing well as a catcher. I didn't want to be so much like her so I switched to back-up catcher and played first base as my main position. I was a natural at first base. But my switch wasn't worth it because my sister did the same thing. We went back and forth at our positions. I again got very frustrated and I felt like I couldn't decide what I wanted to do.

Finally, I talked to her about it. I said that i didn't want to be so much like her because I am always compared to her and how well she is doing. I was very surprised at her response. She said "Okay, no problem. A while ago coach put me at third and I really liked the position because I did well there. Besides, I don’t really like being catcher anyways. But is it okay if we share first base?" Usually, I am not very good at talking to someone about how I feel about something, so I felt great in more than one way.

I finally broke free from being so much like my sister, and I got to play the position I was good at too. I felt like I had accomplished two tasks that were rather hard for me. I was able to break free from being a lot like my sister, and even trying to be a catcher. At first, I thought that I would never do either of them. But I tried hard, and here I am today still one of the best catchers in my league, and a lot different from my sister in many ways.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details relevant to the story. The story states the main event well. The events in the story are often consistent with the prompt. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. The author states the two driving issues to be addressed in the story and stays with them throughout. All of the content in the story relates back to the writer’s two themes of feeling unique and being good at a sport. There is no unnecessary information in the story. Some essays at this level may have some extra pieces of information that are not relevant to the story, but they are rare and never impede meaning. (“ One thing that makes me feel best about my self is getting into softball. I also wanted to differentiate myself from my sister. There are many things under these categories that I felt I could not do, but tried anyway.”)

Content & Development

The story has good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting. It creates believable characters. The story establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. There is effective information about what happened before, during, and after the event. The outcome/resolution is effectively described. Dialogue is sometimes used to help progress the story. (“‘Besides, I don’t really like being catcher anyways. But is it okay if we share first base?’ Usually, I am not very good at talking to someone about how I feel about something, so I felt great in more than one way.”)

Organization

Language Use & Style

The story has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety . The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ By the end of the season I was doing very well and I wasn't so frustrated anymore. At the award ceremony I was awarded ‘the best catcher in the Prep-ball Division’. I felt great.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, most sentences end with a punctuation mark, most sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level may contain a few errors in mechanics and conventions, but they do not impede meaning. (“ Finally, I talked to her about it. I said that i didn't want to be so much like her because I am always compared to her and how well she is doing. I was very surprised at her response.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I never thought I could do it, I just never thought I would ever be able to ride my bicycle without training wheels like everyone else. I was the only one out of all my friends that was still ridding a bike with training wheels. It bugged me so much that I was the only one. So I asked my dad to take my training wheels off of my bike. So he did and said, "Tomorrow first thing in the morning we will go outside and I will teach you how to ride a bike".

I was ready to try and ride my bicycle without training wheels. I woke up that morning put my clothes on and all of my pads on so I wouldn't get hurt. I sat on my bike and my dad grabbed my seat and said, "ready to ride". So we started down the bumpy street and I felt him let go of the seat and then I fell right away but I was okay. So we tried again and again but I couldn't do it. I got mad and threw my helmet and I didn't want to try anymore because I didn't think I could do it.

It was Sunday morning and it was fairly cold outside and I was ready to give it another shot. So I put my pads on and went outside. My dad tried letting go of my seat again and I ate it really hard. The I felt a very painful pain in my leg so I looked down and there was a huge cut that was gushing blood, so I ran inside and my mom cleaned it for me and put a band aid on the cut.

I went back outside and I was sure that I was going to get it this time. It was hot outside now and I started riding but I didn't hear my dad's voice so I turned around and realized he wasn't holding me. “I am doing it!” I yelled. Then I tried to turn and almost fell but I didn't, I pulled it off. I have learned how to ride a bicycle without trainin wheels.

I was so happy with myself. Now I could ride my bike with the other kids and not be the only one with training wheels. I felt like I could do anything.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the story. The story states the main event adequately. The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are adequate. Details in the story focus on the main event. There is adequate use of dialogue. Essays at this level may occasionally offer information that is only tangentially related to the topic, but the majority of the content is on topic and supports the thesis. (“I asked my dad to take my training wheels off of my bike. So he did and said, ‘Tomorrow first thing in the morning we will go outside and I will teach you how to ride a bike.’”)

Content & Development

The story has adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The story creates believable characters. It establishes tension, conflict, or problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. The setting is adequately developed with details. The plot is adequately developed. Details adequately describe the story’s problem and solution. Stories at this level will provide either two well-developed supporting paragraphs that progress the story, or as the case here, will provide three shorter paragraphs to accomplish the same goal. (“ I went back outside and I was sure that I was going to get it this time. It was hot outside now and I started riding but I didn't hear my dad's voice so I turned around and realized he wasn't holding me. I am doing it!”)

Organization

The story has adequate organization. It provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Events are clearly in order. The ending includes details about the resolution and character’s feelings and attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“I was ready to try and ride my bicycle without training wheels. I woke up that morning put my clothes on and all of my pads on so I wouldn't get hurt. I sat on my bike and my dad grabbed my seat and said, ‘ready to ride.’”)

Language Use & Style

The story has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. There is general use of correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor. There are few exact/specific words related to the research. The language used may occasionally be simplistic or repetitive, but most of the content is easy to interpret. (“ So we tried again and again but I couldn't do it. I got mad and threw my helmet and I didn't want to try anymore because I didn't think I could do it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level may have some errors, but not enough to impede meaning. (“ Then I tried to turn and almost fell but I didn't, I pulled it off. I have learned how to ride a bicycle without trainin wheels.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I remember the time I tried to run a mile faster than I ever had. It was for my P.E. class, I was trying to higher my grade, because it wasn't that great. I also wanted to see how fast I could actually run. I couldn't wait for fourth period to come, and I could go to my P.E. class.

Once fourth period came and I was in my P.E. class I was ready. I stretched as much as I could until the runing had to start. The teacher Mrs. Kendall told us were we had to start from in the field. My friend marco was going to try to run with me.

We were all standing waiting for Mrs. Kendall to tell us when to go. Once she screamed out to begin, I began with a steady jog. That was my plan to jog the whole mile so I wouldn't get so tired that I had to stop running. other times that I would run I just started runing fast then had to stop and catch my breathe.

My friend Marco only was able to keep up with me for two laps. He got tired and started walking. I didn't stop, I had to get a fast time. On my last lap I was so tired that I could barely keep a steady jog. But I kept on going.

When I got back to Mrs. Kendall and she told me my time I was surprised. I did better than I thought. i made it in seven minutes and thirteen seconds. I thought I was going to get like an eight. I never had run the mile run in that time. I was really happy. Now I know that I can accomplish any goal I set my mind to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. The story states the main event, and most of the events taking place in the story relate to the prompt. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated limitedly. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. Details about characters are limited. Essays at this level tend to have limited, if any, use of dialogue. Essays at this level may offer some irrelevant or off-topic information, but most of the content is on topic. (“ It was for my P.E. class, I was trying to higher my grade, because it wasn't that great. I also wanted to see how fast I could actually run. I couldn't wait for fourth period to come, and I could go to my P.E. class.”)

Content & Development

The story has limited content and development. It provides adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. The tension, conflict, or problem may be stated, but not developed. It has some dialogue that may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. The setting is developed in only limited detail. There is limited sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). The plot may be limited. There is limited development about what happened before, during, or after the event. (“That was my plan to jog the whole mile so I wouldn't get so tired that I had to stop running. other times that I would run I just started runing fast then had to stop and catch my breathe.”)

Organization

The story has limited organization. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Its transitions may be weak. It provides readers with some sense of closure. The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Transitions may or may not be present, but when used, they are often repetitive and simplistic. The ending may show a limited attempt to leave the readers with something to think about; for example, how to find out more about the subject. Better essays may attempt to teach readers a lesson or sum up the ideas presented in the conclusion. (“ I thought I was going to get like an eight. I never had run the mile run in that time. I was really happy. Now I know that I can accomplish any goal I set my mind to.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. There may be run-on sentences and sentences that are too short or too long. Stories at this level are often informally written. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ I didn't stop, I had to get a fast time. On my last lap I was so tired that I could barely keep a steady jog. But I kept on going.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. Essays at this level begin to have noticeable problems with spelling and grammar. Sometimes it impedes meaning, but usually readers can discern the author’s intent. (“I stretched as much as I could until the runing had to start. The teacher Mrs. Kendall told us were we had to start from in the field. My friend marco was going to try to run with me.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

The one day I remember clearly is when i was twelve and I was at Disneyland California Adventures. Remembering when I was to frightened to go on a ride called California Screaming. My friends would egg me on to get on the ride but I would defiantly say no. They would pushme, pll me, and even shove me into the line. Then one day when I went back to Disneyland for my 14th birthday with two of my best friends, they told me that the ride wasn't as scary as I thought and that should try it at least once to see if I would like it. So I got in lne for the ride. Bythe time it was my turn to get on I was ready to leave and wai for my friends at the end of the ride because I ws so scared. When I got off the ride I likd it so much that I went on it at least three or more times. I was so mad at myself for not trying it the first time.

In conclusion, I was scared to try something that I may like in the end. Now I have lerned to try things that I may or may not like because in the end it usually happens that you will like whaever you try.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. Many stories at this level begin to show problems by providing completely unnecessary information. The story only minimally states the main event. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are only minimally stated. There is no attempt to introduce the story or provide any introductory remarks. (“ The one day I remember clearly is when i was twelve and I was at Disneyland California Adventures. Remembering when I was to frightened to go on a ride called California Screaming.”)

Content & Development

The story has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are only described rather than developed. The story may include details or information that detracts from the story. It lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. The setting is not developed in detail. There are no characters or the characters are not developed in detail. There is little important information about what happened before or after the event. The author does provide some closing remarks that describe the outcome of the story. (“ When I got off the ride I likd it so much that I went on it at least three or more times. I was so mad at myself for not trying it the first time.”)

Organization

The story has minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. It demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion. The beginning only minimally grabs the readers’ attention by describing the setting. There is no attempt at using transitions. Essays at this level may tell the story out of order. The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The ending only minimally attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ In conclusion, I was scared to try something that I may like in the end. Now I have lerned to try things that I may or may not like because in the end it usually happens that you will like whaever you try.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. It also makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. There are often run-on sentences in stories at this level. The lengths of the sentences are often short, too long, or fragmented. There may be repetition. T ransitions are needed. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. Essays at this level tend to become disjointed and lack coherent structure. (“ They would pushme, pll me, and even shove me into the line. Then one day when I went back to Disneyland for my 14th birthday with two of my best friends, they told me that the ride wasn't as scary as I thought and that should try it at least once to see if I would like it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The story has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Stories at this level begin to have a lot of spelling and grammatical errors that often impede meaning. (“Now I have lerned to try things that I may or may not like because in the end it usually happens that you will like whaever you try.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was my first year at clifton when all of the sixth graders decided that were going to the spirit trip. When ever there was an event or spirit rally we were ready to take on the challenge or do what ever we had to do to win the trip.

It'd be fun but tough I knew it. A couple of days after that we found out that we had won the spirit trip to knotts. We were all going. i had never been to an amuesment park before only water park so i was really afraid of going. But I went anyway because I had to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The story does not state the main event. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are not stated. The audience for the story may not be clear. Essays at this level may have a lot of off-topic information provided throughout the essay. The thesis may or may not be stated explicitly, but there is almost always some confusion about what the thesis is. In this case, the author begins to form some semblance of a story, but the focus of the essay is unclear. (“We were all going. i had never been to an amuesment park before only water park so i was really afraid of going. But I went anyway because I had to.”)

Content & Development

The story has inadequate or no content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The characters are introduced, but not developed. It has a lack of tension or conflict, which makes the story uninteresting to follow. There is inadequate detail used to develop the main events of the story. The setting is not developed in detail. There are few, if any, characters and there is usually no dialogue. Essays at this level are usually no longer than one or two paragraphs.

Organization

The story has inadequate organization. There is little or no attempt to separate ideas. The beginning does not creatively grab the readers’ attention because it does not include a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. The story demonstrates no ending. The author may or may not use paragraphing to help separate ideas or events in the story. In this case, the author does use one paragraph break to signify the beginning of the story after a short introduction. (“ It'd be fun but tough I knew it. A couple of days after that we found out that we had won the spirit trip to knotts.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Stories at this level often have run-on sentences, sentences that are too short or too long, repetition, and are informal. They rarely use transitions to move between ideas. Language use at this level almost always impedes meaning. (“We were all going. i had never been to an amuesment park before only water park so i was really afraid of going. But I went anyway because I had to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Fairy Tale from a Different Perspective

Fairy tales are often told from the perspective of a specific character or narrator. If a certain fairy tale were told from the perspective of another character in the story, it could unfold very differently, possibly taking a comical or tragic twist. For example, how would the story of Jack and the Beanstalk differ if told by the Giant?

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Gingerbread Man

"Run! Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man." This is a common phrase spoken out of the mouths of every child in their lifetime. What they are speaking is not the truth. Stories can be greatly exaggerated, you see. How is an innocent little cookie seeking relief from the scorching heat, turned into a full blown evil minded gingerbread man, wanting to hurt a benevolent lady seeking a snack to feed the orphan children she adopted and the puppies she rescued? It's a sob story published by a writer who has nothing better to do than turn everyone against the gingerbread people. Has anyone asked my side of the story? My lower body may have been eaten off, but I still have a mouth! So I have decided to publish the truth. This is the real story of the Gingerbread Man.

I was born with a little help from flour, baking powder, salt, ginger, cinnamon, allspice, brown sugar, butter, eggs, water, and good ole' molasses. I was happy to be in the world until I found out why. Being made into a snack for the little old lady's demon husband who had developed a liking to the way my people taste, is not something that looks good on a college application. With her sick intentions, she decorated me in such a fashion; I ended up looking like a primped school girl. I will have you know that when your name has MAN at the end of it, it usually gives you some clue to the gender. I was put into an oxygen-lacking chamber of immense heat she called LG (what kind of name for a death chamber is that?) Now, if you were under these circumstances, wouldn't you think to find a way to escape? Naturally, that is exactly what I did. I used all my strength in my doughy arms to push that death chamber's door down and jump out only to be spotted by the old lady's hawk eyes. Letting out an angry screech, she grabbed a shotgun and pointed it in my general direction. When a shotgun is pointed at you, you generally run away from the barrel or risk being blown to pieces. I'd rather not take the risk so I ran out to the road screaming for help.

I run for what seems like hours until I finally see a nice, friendly cow. I stop to ask the cow where a good place to hide is when she sticks her tongue out and attempts to slurp me up! Talk about rude. I jump out of the way and speed down the road. I now have two pursuers and when you are being chased by someone who wants to eat you, you scream. To a boy passing by, it seems like "Run! Run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me; I'm the Gingerbread Man."(How many deaf live in this town?) I pant and icing drips down my face. I stop when I see a pig, drinking some cool, pure, blue water. I am about to ask for a drink when she lets out a high pitched squeal and charges, snout first, looking to gobble me up. I panic and jump as high as I can to land on her snout and run down her back. I take the few moments she is confused to head to the road and run like there is no tomorrow. Now, may I remind you that that pesky old lady and that pee brained cow are still after me? And the pig on a rampage thinks that I look particularly tasty. It is starting to become a party and I am the main course.

When I continue down the road thinking of how I am going to take a vacation after this ordeal, when I spot a rooster, pecking at some grain on the road. Now, since I had already trusted two animals on the side of the road, I am not so sure about this one. I cautiously creep up to the rooster, wondering how I am going to ask for help, when the rooster stiffens and starts squawking. I stop, dead in my tracks, and wait for the rooster's next move. He whirled around and slammed his beak into me, pecking at my arm. I squirm away and bolt toward the road, the rooster in pursuit. While I was with the rooster, my other followers were looking in every nook and cranny for any glimpse of a crumb. Hearing the rooster's calls, they begin chasing me again, with one thought on their unintelligent minds: I must catch and eat that poor, helpless, little gingerbread man. What great company.

I am running out of steam when I finally reach a fast flowing river. I look at the dangerous white water swirling below me and I know this is the end. I scan the shore looking for a log or something I can use for a raft. I hear a sly rasp form behind me.

"Looking to cross the river?" An amber colored fox asks me from the bushes.

"Yes, that is exactly what I am looking for," I reply relieved that someone is finally showing some compassion in this town.

I nod thinking on how great a deal that is, when my pursuers spot me and give a moo, squeal, squawk, and yell of triumph. The fox notices and throws me onto the nearest cheaply-painted raft and unties us from the mainland.

"Here we GO!" The fox yells and then he laughs like an evil scientist so I laugh like that too.

The poor fox seems like he needs some friends so I try to make conversation but he is too busy licking his lips and grabbing various utensils, one I recognized as the Gingerbread Fork-o-matic. Suddenly, the fox lunges at me and nearly bites my leg off.

"Hey!" I yell in protest. "What was that for?"

But then he opens his jaw and CHOMP bites one of my legs. I scream in agony as he opens his mouth for the other one.

This fox has lost his marbles. There is a sturdy tree branch that sags over the river. If I can grab the branch, then I will be able to climb to safety. I hobble my way to the edge of the raft and swing my arms for momentum and jump. I sail through the air and it is like slow motion. I see the old lady shaking he saggy arms at me from the shore. I look down and see the fox trying to gnaw his own arm off. The branch is right ahead of me and I smile as my arms stretch out to grab it. My doughy arms wrap around the tree branch and I finally feel safe.

A few months have passed since that day and story has spread like wildfire. XYZ covered the story with news cameras, light, and a sobbing old lady, just wanting a snack. So, I wrote this story. The truth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the outcome. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are experiencing the story from the Gingerbread Man's perspective. (“I was born with a little help from flour, baking powder, salt, ginger, cinnamon, allspice, brown sugar, butter, eggs, water, and good ole' molasses. I was happy to be in the world until I found out why. Being made into a snack for the little old lady's demon husband who had developed a liking to the way my people taste, is not something that looks good on a college application.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the Gingerbread Man's scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in the story through the Gingerbread Man's eyes. (“I run for what seems like hours until I finally see a nice, friendly cow. I stop to ask the cow where a good place to hide is when she sticks her tongue out and attempts to slurp me up! Talk about rude. I jump out of the way and speed down the road. I now have two pursuers and when you are being chased by someone who wants to eat you, you scream. To a boy passing by, it seems like 'Run! Run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me; I'm the Gingerbread Man.' [How many deaf live in this town?] I pant and icing drips down my face.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“The poor fox seems like he needs some friends so I try to make conversation but he is too busy licking his lips and grabbing various utensils, one I recognized as the Gingerbread Fork-o-matic. Suddenly, the fox lunges at me and nearly bites my leg off.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters to round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up by retelling the story of The Gingerbread Man from the Gingerbread Man's perspective. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a fox as one of the characters. (“'Looking to cross the river?' An amber colored fox asks me from the bushes…. 'Yes, that is exactly what I am looking for,' I reply relieved that someone is finally showing some compassion in this town… I nod thinking on how great a deal that is, when my pursuers spot me and give a moo, squeal, squawk, and yell of triumph. The fox notices and throws me onto the nearest cheaply-painted raft and unties us from the mainland.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning, we find the writer is retelling the story from the Gingerbread Man's perspective. (“It's a sob story published by a writer who has nothing better to do than turn everyone against the gingerbread people. Has anyone asked my side of the story? My lower body may have been eaten off, but I still have a mouth! So I have decided to publish the truth. This is the real story of the Gingerbread Man.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the how the Gingerbread Man feels throughout the narrative. (“I was put into an oxygen-lacking chamber of immense heat she called LG [what kind of name for a death chamber is that?] Now, if you were under these circumstances, wouldn't you think to find a way to escape? Naturally, that is exactly what I did. I used all my strength in my doughy arms to push that death chamber's door down and jump out only to be spotted by the old lady's hawk eyes.”)

Organization

The essay very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of what really happened in the story of The Gingerbread Man. (“'Run! Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.' This is a common phrase spoken out of the mouths of every child in their lifetime. What they are speaking is not the truth. Stories can be greatly exaggerated, you see. How is an innocent little cookie seeking relief from the scorching heat, turned into a full blown evil minded gingerbread man, wanting to hurt a benevolent lady seeking a snack to feed the orphan children she adopted and the puppies she rescued? It's a sob story published by a writer who has nothing better to do than turn everyone against the gingerbread people. Has anyone asked my side of the story? My lower body may have been eaten off, but I still have a mouth! So I have decided to publish the truth. This is the real story of the Gingerbread Man.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events. (“When I continue down the road thinking of how I am going to take a vacation after this ordeal, when I spot a rooster, pecking at some grain on the road. Now, since I had already trusted two animals on the side of the road, I am not so sure about this one. I cautiously creep up to the rooster, wondering how I am going to ask for help, when the rooster stiffens and starts squawking. I stop, dead in my tracks, and wait for the rooster's next move. He whirled around and slammed his beak into me, pecking at my arm. I squirm away and bolt toward the road, the rooster in pursuit. While I was with the rooster, my other followers were looking in every nook and cranny for any glimpse of a crumb.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the fact that the Gingerbread Man is not a bad guy. (“A few months have passed since that day and story has spread like wildfire. XYZ covered the story with news cameras, light, and a sobbing old lady, just wanting a snack. So, I wrote this story. The truth.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the fairy tale from the Gingerbread Man's perspective. (“ Naturally, that is exactly what I did. I used all my strength in my doughy arms to push that death chamber's door down and jump out only to be spotted by the old lady's hawk eyes. Letting out an angry screech, she grabbed a shotgun and pointed it in my general direction.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ This fox has lost his marbles. There is a sturdy tree branch that sags over the river. If I can grab the branch, then I will be able to climb to safety. I hobble my way to the edge of the raft and swing my arms for momentum and jump. I sail through the air and it is like slow motion. I see the old lady shaking he saggy arms at me from the shore. I look down and see the fox trying to gnaw his own arm off. The branch is right ahead of me and I smile as my arms stretch out to grab it. My doughy arms wrap around the tree branch and I finally feel safe.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. (“ I now have two pursuers and when you are being chased by someone who wants to eat you, you scream. To a boy passing by, it seems like 'Run! Run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me; I'm the Gingerbread Man.'[How many deaf live in this town?] I pant and icing drips down my face. I stop when I see a pig, drinking some cool, pure, blue water. I am about to ask for a drink when she lets out a high pitched squeal and charges, snout first, looking to gobble me up. I panic and jump as high as I can to land on her snout and run down her back. I take the few moments she is confused to head to the road and run like there is no tomorrow. Now, may I remind you that that pesky old lady and that pee brained cow are still after me? And the pig on a rampage thinks that I look particularly tasty. It is starting to become a party and I am the main course.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ I was born with a little help from flour, baking powder, salt, ginger, cinnamon, allspice, brown sugar, butter, eggs, water, and good ole' molasses. I was happy to be in the world until I found out why.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Retold Story of Snow White

One bright morning I woke up and started getting ready to work in the Jack Bean Stock Factory. I suddenly realized that none of my 6 brothers were awake. "GET UP!" I yelled as I turned on the lights.

After hours and hours of picking beans and sprinkling magic dust on them, we started walking home. Finally, after walking forever, our house came in view. We walked through the front door and through the house. A tradition of ours is to eat dinner when we get home from work. So we dragged our tired feet into the kitchen. "Grumpy! Some food is missing! My red apple is missing! That was the last one!" Doc said to me. Everybody looked around. We looked in the bathroom, the living room, and the rest of the house, except, our bedroom. We walked up there very bravely. I walked in first and saw someone was sleeping in Dopey's bed. There were animals in all of the beds. Two Deer were in mine!

Sleepy turned on the lights and said "GET OUTTA MY BED!" At that all the animals ran out door and jumped out the windows. Happily, after all the commotion we heard a faint yawn. We looked over and saw a very pretty, young woman. She had black hair and she had fair skin. She looked at us and screamed. "No. We're good giants, well at least some of us," said Doc as he looked at me. She stared at us in disbelieve.

After about 10 minutes of trying to convince her that we are good, she said "Ok, well words don't mean anything, so prove it."

"How about some dinner?" said Sneezy.

"Ok," said Snow White.

"So what brings you to the forest?" I asked. "Well it's a long story, but if you insist. It all started when the evil Queen, my step mother, kicked me out of the kingdom and threatened to kill me... just because I ate all the apples in the kingdom. I think it also had something to do with me being too pretty. But I'm not sure... so anyway, a squirrel told me that she sent a hunter to kill me. The squirrel also said the hunter was very vicious and mean and that he will kill me the first chance he gets."

"So are you expecting to stay here? Because if you are, we might as well put you to use.... what do you like to do?" said I said impatiently.

"Well, I like to cook, bake, and clean. I couldn't be seen doing that in the castle by my step mother, so I did it secretly while she was taking her daily stroll in the town. Her favorite dessert is Lemon Cream Pie. Which I make for her, but I tell her that the baker made it... so I don't get in trouble."

"Ok... you can do just that. But try to keep your filthy animals out of here. We don't want little rats scampering everywhere."

So long story short, she accepted. So about 2 weeks later, we went off to the bean stock factory like usual. But when we came back we saw something unexpected. We stood behind a tree and watched a little, old, woman approach the door. She was holding a basket of apples. She knocked on the door and asked if she could come in. Of course Snow White said yes, being the very immature girl she is. As soon as the door shut we ran up to the window to have a look. We saw the old woman give Snow White an apple. Since Snow White absolutely loves apples, she took it. Then the small old woman left, immediately.

We ran behind the trees again and watched her leave. After she disappeared we ran up to the door. We ran in and saw her take a bite. "WHO WAS THAT OLD WOMAN?" Doc yelled very nervously. "Just a nice lady, that's all." We all started breathing again. All of a sudden this random guy in a cape jumped in our house and said "I'm a prince!" We all rolled our eyes and told him to get lost.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are maintained throughout the narrative. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the writer provides well-stated supporting events. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the story of Snow White from Grumpy's perspective. (“After hours and hours of picking beans and sprinkling magic dust on them, we started walking home. Finally, after walking forever, our house came in view. We walked through the front door and through the house. A tradition of ours is to eat dinner when we get home from work. So we dragged our tired feet into the kitchen. 'Grumpy! Some food is missing! My red apple is missing! That was the last one!' Doc said to me.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“Sleepy turned on the lights and said 'GET OUTTA MY BED!' At that all the animals ran out door and jumped out the windows. Happily, after all the commotion we heard a faint yawn. We looked over and saw a very pretty, young woman. She had black hair and she had fair skin. She looked at us and screamed. 'No. We're good giants, well at least some of us,' said Doc as he looked at me. She stared at us in disbelieve.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. (“So long story short, she accepted. So about 2 weeks later, we went off to the bean stock factory like usual. But when we came back we saw something unexpected. We stood behind a tree and watched a little, old, woman approach the door. She was holding a basket of apples. She knocked on the door and asked if she could come in. Of course Snow White said yes, being the very immature girl she is.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as told by Grumpy from the story of Snow White. (“'So what brings you to the forest?' I asked. 'Well it's a long story, but if you insist. It all started when the evil Queen, my step mother, kicked me out of the kingdom and threatened to kill me…just because I ate all the apples in the kingdom. I think it also had something to do with me being too pretty. But I'm not sure… so anyway, a squirrel told me that she sent a hunter to kill me. The squirrel also said the hunter was very vicious and mean and that he will kill me the first chance he gets.'…'So are you expecting to stay here? Because if you are, we might as well put you to use.... what do you like to do?' said I said impatiently….'Well, I like to cook, bake, and clean. I couldn't be seen doing that in the castle by my step mother, so I did it secretly while she was taking her daily stroll in the town. Her favorite dessert is Lemon Cream Pie. Which I make for her, but I tell her that the baker made it... so I don't get in trouble.'”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“One bright morning I woke up and started getting ready to work in the Jack Bean Stock Factory. I suddenly realized that none of my 6 brothers were awake. 'GET UP!' I yelled as I turned on the lights….After hours and hours of picking beans and sprinkling magic dust on them, we started walking home. Finally, after walking forever, our house came in view. We walked through the front door and through the house. A tradition of ours is to eat dinner when we get home from work. So we dragged our tired feet into the kitchen.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“So long story short, she accepted. So about 2 weeks later, we went off to the bean stock factory like usual. But when we came back we saw something unexpected. We stood behind a tree and watched a little, old, woman approach the door. She was holding a basket of apples. She knocked on the door and asked if she could come in. Of course Snow White said yes, being the very immature girl she is. As soon as the door shut we ran up to the window to have a look. We saw the old woman give Snow White an apple. Since Snow White absolutely loves apples, she took it. Then the small old woman left, immediately.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One bright morning I woke up and started getting ready to work in the Jack Bean Stock Factory. I suddenly realized that none of my 6 brothers were awake. 'GET UP!' I yelled as I turned on the lights.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ After hours and hours of picking beans and sprinkling magic dust on them, we started walking home. Finally, after walking forever, our house came in view. We walked through the front door and through the house. A tradition of ours is to eat dinner when we get home from work. So we dragged our tired feet into the kitchen.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ We ran behind the trees again and watched her leave. After she disappeared we ran up to the door. We ran in and saw her take a bite. 'WHO WAS THAT OLD WOMAN?' Doc yelled very nervously. 'Just a nice lady, that's all.' We all started breathing again. All of a sudden this random guy in a cape jumped in our house and said 'I'm a prince!' We all rolled our eyes and told him to get lost.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent. (“ Sleepy turned on the lights and said 'GET OUTTA MY BED!' At that all the animals ran out door and jumped out the windows. Happily, after all the commotion we heard a faint yawn. We looked over and saw a very pretty, young woman. She had black hair and she had fair skin. She looked at us and screamed.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ 'So what brings you to the forest?' I asked. 'Well it's a long story, but if you insist. It all started when the evil Queen, my step mother, kicked me out of the kingdom and threatened to kill me... just because I ate all the apples in the kingdom. I think it also had something to do with me being too pretty. But I'm not sure... so anyway, a squirrel told me that she sent a hunter to kill me. The squirrel also said the hunter was very vicious and mean and that he will kill me the first chance he gets.'”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the fairy tale from Grumpy's perspective. (“ After hours and hours of picking beans and sprinkling magic dust on them, we started walking home. Finally, after walking forever, our house came in view. We walked through the front door and through the house. A tradition of ours is to eat dinner when we get home from work. So we dragged our tired feet into the kitchen.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ All of a sudden this random guy in a cape jumped in our house and said 'I'm a prince!' We all rolled our eyes and told him to get lost.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once upon a time, I was a young boy who lived with my mom, dad, and my identical twin brother, Humpty Dumpty. You all heard how he fell off the King's Wall but you don't know the truth. My brother claims that he fell off the king's wall, but it was really me. It is true that the King's men could not put me together again. The King's doctor, however, really did. I am now going to tell you the whole story of how my accident really happened.

One cloudy night, I was on a bridge, when suddenly there was a huge clash and I realized it was a lightning bolt. The lightning struck a tree and started a fire. The fire quickly spread onto the grass, so I ran to find a safe place. I had been running for nearly thirty minutes when I got an idea. I would be safe on the King's Wall, because I would be up high, and the fire would not get me. I thought I would also be able to see the fire as it approached the King's village, and be able to warn the people about the dangerous fire.

When I got on the wall, I noticed the fire was even bigger than before. I called for some people to help me put out the fire. In the distance, I saw a herd of sheep that were on the same side of the wall as the fire. That made me feel sad, so I hopped down off the wall and helped herd of sheep away from the fire. After the sheep were safe, I felt good that I had been able to help them.

I saw the fire was getting close, so I hopped back up on the wall to see if anyone else was in danger. I yelled and yelled, and finally the knights came to help put out the fire. As I was watching, a flame from the fire hit the wall right next to me. I was so startled, I stepped back and tumbled off the wall. When I fell, I broke both legs and a pinky toe, and I hit my head on a jagged rock. One of the knights saw me fall and came over and asked, "Are you okay?" I was very confused and did not immediately respond. I was too focused on trying to figure out how badly I was hurt. Next, he asked me for my name. I said "Clumsy Dumpty." He must have thought I was being funny and said that my name was Humpty Dumpty. So all the people in the village said Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, but it was really me!

To this very day, people still think Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. But they really made a mistake, because we looked so much alike. This made me sad, because I saved all the sheep from the fire and I should have gotten the recognition for falling off the wall and surviving. And did you know, they also got thwrong that I was not put back together again? The truth is that the King's Doctor put me back together again using superglue. I was very happy that I was alive and back together in one piece again! So, now you know the truth about what really happened that day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“Once upon a time, I was a young boy who lived with my mom, dad, and my identical twin brother, Humpty Dumpty. You all heard how he fell off the King's Wall but you don't know the truth. My brother claims that he fell off the king's wall, but it was really me.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“To this very day, people still think Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. But they really made a mistake, because we looked so much alike. This made me sad, because I saved all the sheep from the fire and I should have gotten the recognition for falling off the wall and surviving.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“I saw the fire was getting close, so I hopped back up on the wall to see if anyone else was in danger. I yelled and yelled, and finally the knights came to help put out the fire. As I was watching, a flame from the fire hit the wall right next to me. I was so startled, I stepped back and tumbled off the wall. When I fell, I broke both legs and a pinky toe, and I hit my head on a jagged rock. One of the knights saw me fall and came over and asked, 'Are you okay?' I was very confused and did not immediately respond. I was too focused on trying to figure out how badly I was hurt. Next, he asked me for my name. I said 'Clumsy Dumpty.' He must have thought I was being funny and said that my name was Humpty Dumpty.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“One of the knights saw me fall and came over and asked, 'Are you okay?' I was very confused and did not immediately respond. I was too focused on trying to figure out how badly I was hurt. Next, he asked me for my name. I said 'Clumsy Dumpty.''')

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“I saw the fire was getting close, so I hopped back up on the wall to see if anyone else was in danger. I yelled and yelled, and finally the knights came to help put out the fire. As I was watching, a flame from the fire hit the wall right next to me. I was so startled, I stepped back and tumbled off the wall. When I fell, I broke both legs and a pinky toe, and I hit my head on a jagged rock.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when Clumsy Dumpty saved the sheep from the fire. (“When I got on the wall, I noticed the fire was even bigger than before. I called for some people to help me put out the fire. In the distance, I saw a herd of sheep that were on the same side of the wall as the fire. That made me feel sad, so I hopped down off the wall and helped herd of sheep away from the fire. After the sheep were safe, I felt good that I had been able to help them.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the "real" story of Humpty Dumpty. (“ Once upon a time, I was a young boy who lived with my mom, dad, and my identical twin brother, Humpty Dumpty. You all heard how he fell off the King's Wall but you don't know the truth. My brother claims that he fell off the king's wall, but it was really me. It is true that the King's men could not put me together again. The King's doctor, however, really did. I am now going to tell you the whole story of how my accident really happened.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“One cloudy night, I was on a bridge, when suddenly there was a huge clash and I realized it was a lightning bolt. The lightning struck a tree and started a fire. The fire quickly spread onto the grass, so I ran to find a safe place. I had been running for nearly thirty minutes when I got an idea. I would be safe on the King's Wall, because I would be up high, and the fire would not get me. I thought I would also be able to see the fire as it approached the King's village, and be able to warn the people about the dangerous fire.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ To this very day, people still think Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. But they really made a mistake, because we looked so much alike. This made me sad, because I saved all the sheep from the fire and I should have gotten the recognition for falling off the wall and surviving. And did you know, they also got thwrong that I was not put back together again? The truth is that the King's Doctor put me back together again using superglue. I was very happy that I was alive and back together in one piece again! So, now you know the truth about what really happened that day.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ One of the knights saw me fall and came over and asked, 'Are you okay?' I was very confused and did not immediately respond. I was too focused on trying to figure out how badly I was hurt. Next, he asked me for my name.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes Humpty Dumpty from Clumsy Dumpty's perspective. (“ I saw the fire was getting close, so I hopped back up on the wall to see if anyone else was in danger. I yelled and yelled, and finally the knights came to help put out the fire. As I was watching, a flame from the fire hit the wall right next to me. I was so startled, I stepped back and tumbled off the wall. When I fell, I broke both legs and a pinky toe, and I hit my head on a jagged rock. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ One cloudy night, I was on a bridge, when suddenly there was a huge clash and I realized it was a lightning bolt. The lightning struck a tree and started a fire. The fire quickly spread onto the grass, so I ran to find a safe place.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

cinderella

I went to jail because they thought I was treating cinderella bad, so I'm here. They also thought I beating her up, cause I didn't want her to go to the ball, and breaking the glass slipper. Back at the castle, cinderella married the prince and lived happy ever after. And I'm here stuck inside of a jail cell doing nothing. I had missed the part where cinderella came in the ball and started to dance with the prince, then cinderella had to leave, cause if they don't hurry they would turn back into themselves, and they would have to walk home.

Then suddenly the guard came in and gave me the yummiest food ever, then walked out. Then out of nowhere in the jail cell the fairy godmother appeared. And then said those same magic words, and then poof she turned the yummiest food ever into the yuckyiest food ever. So I didn't eat it. I just sat down on the bed that was in the jail cell. And started to yell at the guard to come here, so he did. He came in and just stared at me.

Later that day at the castle where cinderella got married. Cinderella was talking to the prince about changing stuff around the castle. Like putting in new glass windows, with a design of her and the prince kissing together. Plus new rooms that have glass walls in it. But with wallpaper on. So they all planned it out together. Then they kissed on the lips. Now back to me, I was in here all alone with nobody in here, and nothing to do. Later the guard came in to check on me.

Next he walked away with my uneaten food. Then clossed the door right behind him. I just sat sat there and groaned and looked at my nose in the mirror. The mirror turned into a diffrent world. I steped through it, and it was a magical world that you can do anything.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“I went to jail because they thought I was treating cinderella bad, so I'm here. They also thought I beating her up, cause I didn't want her to go to the ball, and breaking the glass slipper.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the evil stepmother's perspective of the fairy tale Cinderella. (“Back at the castle, cinderella married the prince and lived happy ever after. And I'm here stuck inside of a jail cell doing nothing. I had missed the part where cinderella came in the ball and started to dance with the prince, then cinderella had to leave, cause if they don't hurry they would turn back into themselves, and they would have to walk home.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. The writer is trying to explain the fairy tale of Cinderella from the evil stepmother's perspective. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Later that day at the castle where cinderella got married. Cinderella was talking to the prince about changing stuff around the castle. Like putting in new glass windows, with a design of her and the prince kissing together. Plus new rooms that have glass walls in it. But with wallpaper on. So they all planned it out together. Then they kissed on the lips. Now back to me, I was in here all alone with nobody in here, and nothing to do.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The story reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary. The writer discusses Cinderella through the evil stepmother's perspective but does not include a problem in the story. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“I went to jail because they thought I was treating cinderella bad, so I'm here. They also thought I beating her up, cause I didn't want her to go to the ball, and breaking the glass slipper. Back at the castle, cinderella married the prince and lived happy ever after. And I'm here stuck inside of a jail cell doing nothing.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces Cinderella and the prince into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“Later that day at the castle where cinderella got married. Cinderella was talking to the prince about changing stuff around the castle. Like putting in new glass windows, with a design of her and the prince kissing together.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“And started to yell at the guard to come here, so he did. He came in and just stared at me.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. (“ I went to jail because they thought I was treating cinderella bad, so I'm here. They also thought I beating her up, cause I didn't want her to go to the ball, and breaking the glass slipper. Back at the castle, cinderella married the prince and lived happy ever after. And I'm here stuck inside of a jail cell doing nothing. I had missed the part where cinderella came in the ball and started to dance with the prince, then cinderella had to leave, cause if they don't hurry they would turn back into themselves, and they would have to walk home.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the story. (“ Then suddenly the guard came in and gave me the yummiest food ever, then walked out. Then out of nowhere in the jail cell the fairy godmother appeared.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Next he walked away with my uneaten food. Then clossed the door right behind him. I just sat sat there and groaned and looked at my nose in the mirror. The mirror turned into a diffrent world. I steped through it, and it was a magical world that you can do anything.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ Next he walked away with my uneaten food. Then clossed the door right behind him. I just sat sat there and groaned and looked at my nose in the mirror. The mirror turned into a diffrent world.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of "then," for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ Then suddenly the guard came in and gave me the yummiest food ever, then walked out. Then out of nowhere in the jail cell the fairy godmother appeared. And then said those same magic words, and then poof she turned the yummiest food ever into the yuckyiest food ever.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Plus new rooms that have glass walls in it. But with wallpaper on. So they all planned it out together. Then they kissed on the lips. Now back to me, I was in here all alone with nobody in here, and nothing to do. Later the guard came in to check on me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and spelling of chosen words is checked. The writer should also ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Then clossed the door right behind him. I just sat sat there and groaned and looked at my nose in the mirror. The mirror turned into a diffrent world.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

Have you ever herd of the three little pigs. Well this time Im telling you from how I see it. Once upon a time I was walking down the dirt road and all of a sudden I saw three pigs in a house on my land. So I had to do something so I walked over, there and I knocked on the door they opened it and I said you're house is on my land. but they didn't say anything they shut the door in my face. so I went to the back of the house and I huffed and I puffed and I blew the house down the little pigs started running so I chased them. They ran into another house that was wood so once again I asked and I asked but they just don't want to leave. So I walked over to the back of the house and I puffed and I blew that wood house. Down again they started running from me again i was getting kind of tired but that wouldn't stop me. So once again i started chasing them but this time they ran into a brick house so i huffed and i puffed but for some reason the house wouldn't fall down. So I just left them alone and went back to what i was doing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“Have you ever herd of the three little pigs. Well this time Im telling you from how I see it. Once upon a time I was walking down the dirt road and all of a sudden I saw three pigs in a house on my land.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of The Three Little Pigs from the wolf's perspective. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Once upon a time I was walking down the dirt road and all of a sudden I saw three pigs in a house on my land. So I had to do something so I walked over, there and I knocked on the door they opened it and I said you're house is on my land. but they didn't say anything they shut the door in my face. so I went to the back of the house and I huffed and I puffed and I blew the house down the little pigs started running so I chased them.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Once upon a time I was walking down the dirt road and all of a sudden I saw three pigs in a house on my land. So I had to do something so I walked over, there and I knocked on the door they opened it and I said you're house is on my land.”)

Content & Development

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the fairy tale from a different character's perspective, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“Well this time Im telling you from how I see it. Once upon a time I was walking down the dirt road and all of a sudden I saw three pigs in a house on my land. So I had to do something so I walked over, there and I knocked on the door they opened it and I said you're house is on my land. but they didn't say anything they shut the door in my face.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“so I went to the back of the house and I huffed and I puffed and I blew the house down the little pigs started running so I chased them. They ran into another house that was wood so once again I asked and I asked but they just don't want to leave.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“So I had to do something so I walked over, there and I knocked on the door they opened it and I said you're house is on my land.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by asking a question. (“ Have you ever herd of the three little pigs. Well this time Im telling you from how I see it.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ So I had to do something so I walked over, there and I knocked on the door they opened it and I said you're house is on my land. but they didn't say anything they shut the door in my face.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal ending. The story fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ So once again i started chasing them but this time they ran into a brick house so i huffed and i puffed but for some reason the house wouldn't fall down. So I just left them alone and went back to what i was doing.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ Down again they started running from me again i was getting kind of tired but that wouldn't stop me.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ So once again i started chasing them but this time they ran into a brick house so i huffed and i puffed but for some reason the house wouldn't fall down.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ So I had to do something so I walked over, there and I knocked on the door they opened it and I said you're house is on my land. but they didn't say anything they shut the door in my face. so I went to the back of the house and I huffed and I puffed and I blew the house down the little pigs started running so I chased them. They ran into another house that was wood so once again I asked and I asked but they just don't want to leave. So I walked over to the back of the house and I puffed and I blew that wood house.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the narrative. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“Have you ever herd of the three little pigs. Well this time Im telling you from how I see it.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I am Wolf I work at a old folks home. We survis all old people and animals when they get to old to take care of themselves. we give them a nice home until they pass on. We also give death wishes. One day we got a call frome red riding hood's mom. she wanted her mom to live in our home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ I am Wolf I work at a old folks home.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“We survis all old people and animals when they get to old to take care of themselves. we give them a nice home until they pass on.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“One day we got a call frome red riding hood's mom. she wanted her mom to live in our home.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ I am Wolf I work at a old folks home.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“I am Wolf I work at a old folks home. We survis all old people and animals when they get to old to take care of themselves. we give them a nice home until they pass on.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“One day we got a call frome red riding hood's mom. she wanted her mom to live in our home.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the story is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, the story of Little Red Riding Hood from the wolf's perspective. (“ I am Wolf I work at a old folks home.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ We survis all old people and animals when they get to old to take care of themselves. we give them a nice home until they pass on. We also give death wishes.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ One day we got a call frome red riding hood's mom. she wanted her mom to live in our home.”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ I am Wolf I work at a old folks home. We survis all old people and animals when they get to old to take care of themselves.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ we give them a nice home until they pass on. We also give death wishes. One day we got a call frome red riding hood's mom. she wanted her mom to live in our home.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“I am Wolf I work at a old folks home. We survis all old people and animals when they get to old to take care of themselves. we give them a nice home until they pass on. We also give death wishes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The story is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“We survis all old people and animals when they get to old to take care of themselves. we give them a nice home until they pass on.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Family and Friendship

Family and Friendship is very important. We do many fun things with our friends and family. Think about one fun or exciting time you had with a very close friend or family member. Remember to describe one thing you have done with your friend or family member, tell why it was fun, and make sure the reader has enough details about your experience so he or she can picture it in his or her mind.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I was first introduced to the jazz band by a fellow jazz-lover. I was immediately intrigued by the ability of a small combo of three members to groove as well as big bands. The sound of organ, guitar, and drums bound together like glue. What made this band so unique was their ability to emulate the live sounds of a concert hall on a studio-recorded album. As you listen to the tracks, you can almost smell the sweat and beer of the club; you're right with them as the improvisational music comes off the tips of their fingers for the first time. Despite the fact that the music on the album was virtually live, I had the burning desire to see them in concert. I immediately bought three tickets to see them in concert.

The next step was to find a friend to go with, given that the other two tickets were reserved for my dad and me. My choice became quite apparent as my friend became intrigued with the odd rhythms and time signatures used in their songs. It was hard for him to turn down my offer, as I asked him to join me for such an amazing event. Week after week, we talked about our interests in various band tunes and albums. As the days grew closer, we grew increasingly excited to see the greatest jazz combo of our time.

Saturday, the 22nd of May, had arrived, and in mere hours I would be standing on the floor of the concert hall watching this amazing jazz band. My dad had been away on business, and was scheduled to arrive that morning. To my surprise, I received word that his flight had been canceled due to inclement weather conditions. Unless he found a plane home in time, I would be stuck at home without a ride. I could only hope for the best.

I impatiently paced up and down my family room, tapping my finger against my leg. I began thinking of ways to get to Philadelphia without the help of my dad. I made some emergency phone calls to some friends, but I was unable to find an alternate ride. Within minutes of our planned departure time for the concert hall, my dad walked in the door. I was utterly relieved. I was soon at the doorstep of my friend’s house to pick him up.

When we had arrived at the concert hall, we were a half hour early, thus the floor was virtually empty. My friend and I found our way to the front of the room and mingled with some jazz band fans. The stage was set up with the drum set, oddly placed on the left, organ on the right, and guitar in the middle. Two Ibanez hollow-body guitars were beautifully set up on stands in the center of the stage. I couldn't wait to hear what came out of those. My friend and I talked about the odd stage set up, and he seemed just as anxious as I.

Unexpectedly, a large figure with a huge Afro walked on stage. This was a comedian, rapper, and singer, who was to open up for the jazz band. His comedy was extremely odd, and quite indescribable, but my friend and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Unfortunately, this enjoyment was not shared by a majority of the audience. He was rudely greeted by angry jazz band fans, who had no will or desire to see anyone but the jazz band.

The band members came on within minutes after the comedian, greeted quite differently, with an overwhelming cheer from the audience. The guitarist picked up his guitar with a wild smile, the drummer sat down on the drums with an air of confidence, and the keyboardist placed his fingers on the organ, incredibly calm and relaxed. They were ready to groove. They opened up with a song from their second album, which started out soft and ambient-like, but by the end was incredibly rocking. They had my friend and I dancing all over the place. We were having an awesome time! By the end of the concert they had the whole audience saying "AHHHHH! DO IT AGAIN!" and "Jazz is awesome!"

They left us with a song from their new album. The saxophone and trumpet players came out and played their hearts out. They all ended together on a power chord, not letting us down for a second. When all was said and done, it was an amazing concert, but more importantly, it brought me closer to my friend. To this day, my friend and I talk about the concert. We also constantly play with each other at home, trying to develop our own sound. We both hope that one day, we too will have the success and experience that our favorite jazz band has.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author offers up a highly detailed story about a trip to a concert with his/her dad and a friend (“ I immediately bought three tickets to see them in concert. The next step was to find a friend to go with, given that the other two tickets were reserved for my dad and me. My choice became quite apparent as my friend became intrigued with the odd rhythms and time signatures used in their songs.”) While maintaining and developing the controlling idea, the author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and easily completes all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author provides a remarkable amount of detail in this essay, painting a vivid and precise image of the event for the reader. (“ The stage was set up with the drum set, oddly placed on the left, organ on the right, and guitar in the middle. Two Ibanez hollow-body guitars were beautifully set up on stands in the center of the stage. I couldn't wait to hear what came out of those. ”) The plot, setting, and characters are well developed throughout the story, and a conflict is artfully introduced to heighten the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story. Notice early on how the possibility is introduced that the event might have to be cancelled (“ I impatiently paced up and down my family room, tapping my finger against my leg. I began thinking of ways to get to Philadelphia without the help of my dad. I made some emergency phone calls to some friends, but I was unable to find an alternate ride ”).

Organization

This essay is effectively organized and flows chronologically from a frantic beginning (“ I had the burning desire to see them in concert ”) to an insightful ending (“ When all was said and done, it was an amazing concert, but more importantly, it brought me closer to my friend. To this day, my friend and I talk about the concert. We also constantly play with each other at home, trying to develop our own sound ”). Transitions are used consistently to smooth the flow of the story from paragraph to paragraph and support sequential development (“ I immediately bought three tickets to see them in concert. The next step was to find a friend to go with, given that the other two tickets were reserved for my dad and me ”).

Language Use & Style

In this essay, the author demonstrates a highly effective language style, using words precisely and structuring complex, descriptive sentences appropriately (“ The guitarist picked up his guitar with a wild smile, the drummer sat down on the drums with an air of confidence, and the keyboardist placed his fingers on the organ, incredibly calm and relaxed. They were ready to groove.”). It is not easy to accurately describe a style of music that the author obviously feels close to, but this author succeeds nonetheless (“ As you listen to the tracks, you can almost smell the sweat and beer of the club; you're right with them as the improvisational music comes off the tips of their fingers for the first time ”). His or her voice is finely tuned and appropriately addresses the audience of the prompt.

Mechanics & Conventions

Defined by the very effective control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, this essay displays virtually no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was Christmas morning when I got the shock of my life. I had just gotten the bike I had hoped for. I didn't think I would get it, but when I did, boy was I surprised. I was also as happy as a mouse who just got the cheese and got away from the cat. Here's my story.

"Ughh," I mumbled.

"Come on, Lucia, get up. It's time to open the presents!" said my brother, Julian.

"Leave me alone," I said back. "I want to go to sleep."

"But Luc, mom said we're not opening presents without everyone there and I want to open them! Now!" exclaimed Julian.

"Oh, alright," I said. "If you can't open them without me there, I guess I'll go."

Let me interrupt a minute. I may not sound happy about Christmas, but believe me, I love it. Everything. No school or homework, going on vacation, presents, decorating the house. I just didn't feel like getting up at the moment. I was thinking, "What's the point? I know I'm not getting the bikes, so it doesn't matter!"

Alright back to the story.

"Yeeeesss!" shouted my brother. (He's thirteen by the way, but he wasn't acting that way! He just gets overexcited.)

So I swung my legs over the side of the bed and followed my brother downstairs.

"Good morning, Lucy," my mother said as I entered the kitchen. "And a Merry Christmas, too," she added.

"Hi, mom. Hi, dad," I said. I gave them both hugs.

"Shall we open presents or have breakfast first?" mom asked.

"Presents!" my brother screamed.

"Shhh. The neighbors are still sleeping." said mom. "Is it okay by you Lucia if we open presents first?"

"Sure," I replied.

I turned right and my mouth dropped open. I screamed, turned around, and ran for my mom and dad who were smiling! I gave them both hugs, then ran back into the living room. There it was, my brand new bike! It was blue and gray and it was mine! I thanked my mom and dad a million times probably. I put on my helmet, took my bike outside and started riding it. After a while, I came back in and opened the rest of my presents.

That just about wraps it up, but I just want to say, you should never doubt yourself. I mean, I thought I wasn't going to get it because I was already getting my room redecorated. I thought that my parents wouldn't get me so many expensive things. But parents do nice stuff like that. You should really appreciate your parents and your life. The end.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this timeless story of a child’s excitement on Christmas morning, the author e stablishes and maintains a clear controlling idea from the very beginning (“ It was Christmas morning when I got the shock of my life. I had just gotten the bike I had hoped for ”). The rest of the essay remains focused on this central theme and demonstrates a general appreciation for the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, completing the assigned task handily.

Content & Development

Notice that, even though the event described in this story is a short-lived one, beginning when the author wakes up and ending when the present has been taken for a “test drive,” the author is able to enhance and deepen its meaning for the reader by using a fair amount of dialogue. This dialogue enhances the plot and shares the relationship the author has with his family with the reader. It also provides a context that makes this story more interesting, perhaps, than the average story about a child getting gifts on Christmas morning (“’ Ughh,’ I mumbled. ‘Come on, Lucia, get up. It's time to open the presents!’ said my brother, Julian. ‘Leave me alone,’ I said back. ‘I want to go to sleep’” ). The climax of the story is unexpected and leaves the reader feeling good (“ I turned right and my mouth dropped open. I screamed, turned around, and ran for my mom and dad who were smiling! I gave them both hugs, then ran back into the living room ”). This author has demonstrated that a delightful story can be drawn from even a simple event when the characters and their thoughts are carefully developed through dialogue.

Organization

The author’s style of writing makes for an interesting organizational scheme. Occasionally interjecting his or her own perspective into the story (“ Here's my story ” and “ Let me interrupt a minute. I may not sound happy about Christmas ”) while the dialogue flows, the author effortlessly leads the reader through the story. A thoughtful ending concludes the essay and shows that there is more meaning to this story than the simple joy of receiving a gift (“ That just about wraps it up, but I just want to say, you should never doubt yourself. I mean, I thought I wasn't going to get it because I was already getting my room redecorated. I thought that my parents wouldn't get me so many expensive things. But parents do nice stuff like that. You should really appreciate your parents and your life ”).

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay shows an advanced ability to use language to communicate with the audience. The complex dialogue is handled correctly and is peppered here and there with expressive words and phrases (“’ Yeeeesss!’ shouted my brother ” and “’ Ughh,’ I mumbled. ”). Perhaps most interesting is the author’s voice, which appears to be finely developed throughout the essay (“ Let me interrupt a minute. I may not sound happy about Christmas, but believe me, I love it. Everything. No school or homework, going on vacation, presents, decorating the house. I just didn't feel like getting up at the moment ”). In a very cinematic fashion, the reader can practically visualize the narrator taking a break from the story to turn and address the audience: “ Alright back to the story.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Demonstrating g ood control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, the author permits few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling to interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The happiest day of my life was in April. My ballet friend Shawna was having a Bat Mitzvah. There was a service in the morning at 9:30 am and ended at 12:00 am. After there was a party at 5:00 pm which ended at 11:00 pm.

In the morning there was a service for Shawna's Bat Mitzvah. A bat Mitzvah is a Jewish celebration when a girl turns 13, they consider her a woman. It lasted two hours and a half. Most of it was in Hebrew, like the singing, and the scriptures. Shawna invited some school friends, ballet friends, and Jewish friends to the ceremony. Around 3:30 pm I had to start getting ready for the funnest party. The party! When we finally got to the hotel I saw my other ballet friends so I wasn't all by myself. The people that I new where Christine, Sarah, Molly, Catherine, Marie, Scarlett, and Sammy (Samanth).

The first thing we did was to get ourderves (appetizers), and of course drinks. They had really fancy things to eat like caviare, and other great looking treats. To drink they had all sorts of things like Shirley Temples, Pepsi, Sprite, Root Beer, Dr. Pepper, and adult drinks like Alchahol. We sat down at a a long table which was the table for friends. Sarah was wondering what were the orange ball-like things on her appetizer and Marie whispered, "It's caviare, Sarah." Sarah was shocked! Christine also tried it and said that it tasted really gross.

After we ate our appetizers we went onto the dance floor to play some games and danced. We played Simen Says, and some other game like Musical Chairs, but you had to get a certain item and be able to get a seat before somebody-else does.

It was getting late and people were leaving. We were all sitting down when this guy named Mike asked me to dance, just for fun. He is a lot taller than me, so he got on his knees! I was so embarressed! He smelled like beer. Than I sat down and felt like I was going to fall over. Ryan asked me to dance too. He was all sweaty from dancing.

At the end I saw my dad waiting for me so we could go home. I asked him, "How long have you been waiting here?" "About an hour or so," my dad said. I thought that I was going to get in trouble for dancing, but I didn't. When we got home it was about 11:00 pm. My dad asked "How was your time?" "I had the happiest day of my life!"

The Bat Mitzvah was the happiest day of my life because all of my friends were there!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author e stablishes a controlling idea (“ The happiest day of my life was in April. My ballet friend Shawna was having a Bat Mitzvah ”) and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing task by sharing details of the event and the reasons it was so memorable.

Content & Development

The reader of this essay is treated to a reasonably developed plot and setting and believable major characters (“ Sarah was wondering what were the orange ball-like things on her appetizer and Marie whispered, ‘It's caviare, Sarah.’ Sarah was shocked! Christine also tried it and said that it tasted really gross ” and “ this guy named Mike asked me to dance, just for fun. He is a lot taller than me, so he got on his knees! I was so embarressed! He smelled like beer. Than I sat down and felt like I was going to fall over ”). The details and dialogue are sufficient to paint a picture in the reader’s mind of the events that occurred that day.

Organization

In the opening of this story, the author p rovides a brief introduction to the events that will soon be described in greater detail. The story generally flows in a smooth, chronological order as the party progresses. The ending is simple but adequately concludes the story (“ At the end I saw my dad waiting for me so we could go home. I asked him, ‘How long have you been waiting here?’ ‘About an hour or so,’ my dad said. I thought that I was going to get in trouble for dancing, but I didn't. When we got home it was about 11:00 pm. My dad asked ‘How was your time?’ ‘I had the happiest day of my life!’ ”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language use is adequate for the given audience. While it communicates the story well enough, it is not exceptional and lacks expression (“ They had really fancy things to eat like caviare, and other great looking treats ”). The sentences are varied and generally correct while the author’s voice is evident.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains an adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing throughout this essay. While grammar, mechanics, and punctuation requirements are managed well, the author displays greater difficulty with spelling; numerous spelling errors (“ embarrassed ,” “ caviare ,” and “ Alchahol ”) are evident to the careful reader.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Easter in Las Vegas

On Easter mornining my dad came in our bedrooms to wake us up. My brothers and I were yelling for him to get out but then, he yelled "NO" were going to Las Vegas , because all of my family lives up there so he wanted to be with the family. We all stayed in bed because we thought he was kidding, but he smiled and said "hurry come on pack up, lets go".

We packed our things and headed to Las Vegas . We slept there one night and then went home. While we were there we had an egg hunt and we had a barbraque with our family. After eating and talking with our reletives we decided to go have fun while were here. We went to Tresure Island , MGM Grand, and at night we went to the Bilogio for a water show. It was very beautiful the water would shot up at any angle or higher than others and in rows.

We stayed in Motel 8, thats were we always stay. This was important because it was Easter day and we got to go up to Vegas to visit our family, I have two aunts, two uncles, eight cousins and a Grandma and Grandpa living up there, so it is very fun for Me when were able to go up with our family for the holidays. Now that we were in vegas our easter basket were at home but it all worked out okay. The next day early in the mornning we came home and watched tv or fell asleep. I was so happy we had Easter in Vegas it was wonderful.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author responds to the assigned task in a manner that is partially successful. The author e stablishes a controlling idea (“ were going to Las Vegas ”), describes the story to some extent, and shares its overall importance with the reader (“ This was important because it was Easter day and we got to go up to Vegas to visit our family ”). The limited focus on the details of the trip, however, does little to help the reader picture the events in his or her mind. Thus, this response completes only some parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

Throughout the second and third paragraphs, the author supplies some details about the trip to Las Vegas to help the reader appreciate it (“ While we were there we had an egg hunt and we had a barbraque with our family. After eating and talking with our reletives we decided to go have fun while were here. We went to Tresure Island , MGM Grand, and at night we went to the Bilogio for a water show ” and “ I have two aunts, two uncles, eight cousins and a Grandma and Grandpa living up there ”). While these details call attention to an identifiable plot, setting, and the major characters, they are only sufficient enough to provide a summary of what happens in the story. The dialogue presented is minimal, although it is used with some effect in the opening paragraph to reveal the characters’ thoughts.

Organization

The opening paragraph of this story is an interesting one. It creatively sets the stage for the narrative that is to follow (“O n Easter mornining my dad came in our bedrooms to wake us up. My brothers and I were yelling for him to get out but then, he yelled "NO" were going to Las Vegas , because all of my family lives up there so he wanted to be with the family. We all stayed in bed because we thought he was kidding”) and points to how thrilling surpise trips can be. The flow of the story from this point on is somewhat broken, though, and the closing paragraph is notably weaker than the introduction.

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay demonstrates a simple language style (“ We slept there one night and then went home ”) and word choice. While there may be some awareness of the audience and control of voice, several poorly constructed sentences detract from the overall impact of this story (“ We stayed in Motel 8, thats were we always stay”). Additional attention to the details of the story (“It was very beautiful the water would shot up at any angle or higher than others and in rows”) would make it more vivid for the reader.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates a limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Too many noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“ We stayed in Motel 8, thats were we always stay ”), punctuation (“ while were here ”), and spelling (“ mornining ”) are present to interfere with the reader’s appreciation of the author’s story.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dertbiking is realy fun. We have to put gas at the gas stashaion. We get something to snak on. When we get there we have to fix the bike to see what is wron. Then you let it idole. Then you can ride is. You can make jumps and jump them or you can biuld jumps. Then we come back to eat lunch. Then we do it again. Next you have to put the bike away and ti them. Then we go out to in and out. We get home and we go to sleep because we are tierd. But I eat some more and then I go to bed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author suggests a controlling idea (“ Dertbiking is realy fun ”) but demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

Content & Development

Throughout this short essay, the author provides a few simple details to create an image in the reader’s mind of what it is like to go “dirt-biking.” However, most of the development in this essay is presented as a list to the reader (“ We have to put gas at the gas stashaion ... We get something to snak on ... Then you let it idole. Then you can ride is … Then we come back to eat lunch ”). Because the information is presented in this manner, the reader learns little about what made this particular trip so special, or indeed, who participated. Additional details about the experience could have been provided to further develop the plot, setting, and characters.

Organization

In this story, the author presents elements of the story in a chronological fashion to be sure; in a methodical fashion, the author describes the process of dirt-biking (“ put gas at the gas stashaion … then I go to bed ”). Be that as it may, the essay is seriously lacking in content and transitions that could illustrate the experience more fully and allow the reader to follow along and appreciate what it was that made this event so special.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is best described as both simple and repetitious. Notice, for example, how many of the sentences begin in the same manner (“ Then you let it idole. Then you can ride is. You can make jumps and jump them or you can biuld jumps. Then we come back to eat lunch “). Numerous basic errors in sentence structure and usage (“ Then you can ride is ” and “ Then we go out to in and out. ”) further detract from this essay and oppress any sense of the author’s unique voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

While still readable, this essays displays the author’s minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics (“ But I eat some more and then I go to bed ”), punctuation and especially spelling (‘’ biuld ” and “ wron ”) substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s story.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The happiest day of my life is when I went to Disneyland and the people who went with my mom and my dad and we eat hot dog and it was a hot day and rides I went on I, on the Batman rides and the indand the Jose Fide and the Sacpemoting and theat's the happiest day of my life but then we had to go home pes it was a good. the End

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author makes an opening statement suggesting a topic that is certainly appropriate for this writing task (“T he happiest day of my life is when I went to Disneyland ”). Unfortunately, the author is unable to establish a controlling idea to communicate with the audience about this trip to Disneyland . It is unclear whether the author has much understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, and in the end, the author has disappointed the reader and failed to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

Snippets of a story are apparent to the reader (“ we eat hot dog ” and “ I went on I, on the Batman rides ”), although these fragments do little to develop the author’s story. Given the lack of an identifiable plot, setting, and characters, this story shows no meaningful development.

Organization

In the single paragraph provided, the author is unable to demonstrate any facility with the devices of organization. While the opening, as previously noted, suggests a plot, this essay has no clear beginning, middle, or end and betrays serious gaps in the sequencing of the author’s especially brief narrative.

Language Use & Style

The author appears to be unable to use language to effectively develop and communicate a story to the intended audience. An almost complete lack of punctuation allows the essay to meander from one idea to the next with little attention to the precise choice of words or structure of the sentences. The essay is nearly incoherent and leaves the reader guessing as to the author’s true purpose (“ rides I went on I, on the Batman rides and the indand the Jose Fide and the Sacpemoting and theat's the happiest day of my life but then we had to go home pes it was a good ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows almost no control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Numerous severe errors in grammar (“ and we eat hot dog ”), mechanics, punctuation (“ I went on I, on the Batman ”), and spelling (“ Sacpemoting ”) significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s story.

Feeling Like an Outsider

Many works of literature explore how, at one point or another, we all have felt as if we don’t belong. For example, in “Barrio Boy,” Ernesto Galarza shares what it was like to be an outsider in a new land. He had many struggles including learning a new language, making new friends, and becoming part of the culture.

Write a multi-paragraph autobiographical narrative in which you describe a time when you felt like an outsider.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Elementary school was a sanctuary from the pain of the outside world. I had little to worry about. My main concern was trying to keep from being "it" during tag. I never worried about being judged or not being liked because I had a lot of friends as a kid. I got along with a lot of my peers and teachers too. I was a pretty, popular girl. All of this changed when I went to a new school. My older sister, Adelaide , told me it was a great fine arts school and I couldn’t wait to go to it. Things weren’t as great as she said they were for me though. It wasn’t the new school that caused such loneliness I suffered that year, but how we were all growing up when I didn’t want the days of hide-and-go-seek to pass us by so quickly. I lost most of my close friends to other intermediate schools (albeit two) and my circle of security with it. I was starting all over again from square one.

In a dog-eat-dog world, I felt like a cat. I was lost in a new environment of gossiping and prejudice where you had to be pretty to be popular. They thought they were all-grown up, but I knew better. I was a misfit among everyone, a snail among cheetahs. This loneliness led to depression; the depression led to being a sour person towards people. I didn’t get along with others. I wasn’t "cool" either. I was judged by my race and it hurt more than ever. If there is one thing I took pride in, it was my heritage.

My life was almost like a show on Disney Channel. I had so many more issues in my life than I ever did back then as a kid. I looked at myself differently in the mirror. In my eyes, I wasn’t very pretty at all. I was "fat", and my crush didn’t know that I existed. There was always a happy ending that involved two friends (usually a girl and a boy) to make everything right. To clarify, my life was like a show on Disney Channel, minus the friends who had my back. Adelaide had friends that stuck with her, while mine were going with the current school of fish. I fought against it all.

Maria, Valerie, and I were a tight-knit bunch of friends since third grade. When another girl, Bianca, from the same elementary school, came along, our once close group couldn't get along with four people for some reason. Maria dreamed of being an actress. She was loud and obnoxious, in a good way. Valerie was shy with others but more open with us and was very self-conscious. She wanted to be a dancer. Bianca always aspired to play piano. Me...I wanted to play violin. We all got our chance to fulfill our dreams at this school, but somehow, we clashed with each other. I don’t understand how, but we did. Among all the clique-ing and arguing we did, I was so confused. Why couldn’t we get along like we did before? I just didn’t understand. Despite the fact I had Maria, Valerie, and Bianca, I didn’t truly feel like I had friends.

In the end, every cloud has a silver lining. During this time of difficulty, I became closer to God. When I needed someone, he was there for me, not that he’s never been there for me. I prayed for a change though. Could someone help me make things better? I just wanted someone to kill this loneliness within me that ate me inside out. My prayers were soon answered that fateful May in 2005. It was the day that two lonely people found each other.

It was a scorching hot day, a normal summer afternoon in Houston . We were having free time in PE and I decided to walk around the playing area. This is what you’re supposed to do if you’re not playing any sports. Just think, I thought about everything that day, life, the future, the past, you name it. I usually did this a lot, nothing new. There was someone else though. I knew he had good friends, so I was surprised to see him all by his lonesome. Imagine how shocked I was when he approached to talk to me. Me, the outsider, being approached by Jonas, a guy that I knew was of higher social status than me. Yes, I have never talked to him before, even though we’ve been in the same gym class the whole year, but there are people you just know have climbed higher than you on the ladder of "cool"-ness when you’re near a bottom rung. He still had the aura though. I swear I saw a yellow glow around him the day he approached me. That was probably the longest conversation that I’ve ever had with a stranger. I never wanted it to end.

Jonas and I are as close as black and white on a piano. My relationship with Maria, Valerie, and Bianca is now how it was before the drama of intermediate school. We grew out of our immature phases and we’ve been through thick and thin with each other. I am popular now, but it doesn’t make a difference. It didn’t matter then, it doesn’t matter now. The important thing was that I found what I wanted among my friends, somewhere I belonged.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay relates relevant descriptions and vivid details regarding the plot and characters in the story. The writer goes beyond the limits of the task by effectively using analogies to paint mental pictures of feelings and conflicts in the essay. (“In a dog-eat-dog world, I felt like a cat. I was lost in a new environment of gossiping and prejudice where you had to be pretty to be popular. They thought they were all-grown up, but I knew better. I was a misfit among everyone, a snail among cheetahs. This loneliness led to depression; the depression led to being a sour person towards people.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains content that is very effective and well developed. The plot and setting are thoroughly developed and detailed. Characters are complex and described in detail for the reader. (“Maria, Valerie, and I were a tight-knit bunch of friends since third grade. When another girl, Bianca, from the same elementary school, came along, our once close group couldn’t get along with four people for some reason. Maria dreamed of being an actress. She was loud and obnoxious, in a good way. Valerie was shy with others but more open with us and was very self-conscious. She wanted to be a dancer. Bianca always aspired to play piano. Me...I wanted to play violin. We all got our chance to fulfill our dreams at this school, but somehow, we clashed with each other.”) The writer clearly establishes a conflict, which heightens the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story. (“Things weren’t as great as she said they were for me though. It wasn’t the new school that caused such loneliness I suffered that year, but how we were all growing up when I didn’t want the days of hide-and-go-seek to pass us by so quickly. I lost most of my close friends to other intermediate schools (albeit two) and my circle of security with it. I was starting all over again from square one.”)

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized with a number of paragraphs. The author captures the reader’s attention by cleverly opening the story with a nostalgic account of his/her younger, carefree school days. (“Elementary school was a sanctuary from the pain of the outside world. I had little to worry about. My main concern was trying to keep from being "it" during tag. I never worried about being judged or not being liked because I had a lot of friends as a kid. I got along with a lot of my peers and teachers too. I was a pretty, popular girl. All of this changed when I went to a new school.”) The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion pulls the entire story together and fills in any gaps for the reader. (“Jonas and I are as close as black and white on a piano. My relationship with Maria, Valerie, and Bianca is now how it was before the drama of intermediate school. We grew out of our immature phases and we’ve been through thick and thin with each other. I am popular now, but it doesn’t make a difference. It didn’t matter then, it doesn’t matter now. The important thing was that I found what I wanted among my friends, somewhere I belonged.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience are evident to the reader of this essay; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied. (“Yes, I have never talked to him before, even though we’ve been in the same gym class the whole year, but there are people you just know have climbed higher than you on the ladder of "cool"-ness when you’re near a bottom rung. He still had the aura though. I swear I saw a yellow glow around him the day he approached me. That was probably the longest conversation that I’ve ever had with a stranger. I never wanted it to end.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of conventions and mechanics in this essay, with few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“ Adelaide had friends that stuck with her, while mine were going with the current school of fish. I fought against it all.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever experienced the feeling when you’re in a room full of people but feel isolated and don’t belong? Surely, it was a horrible feeling because it seems as though you’re an outsider. Everyone has felt like an outsider before but in different situations. Maybe you felt alone because everyone else can do something you can’t or people have something you don’t have. Either way, it’s not a happy feeling.

Way back in my second grade year, I arrived at elementary school as a new student. The city was fairly peaceful as I noted when I walked to school with my mother. The school was big and had a nice playground, much bigger than the one at my old school. I was feeling nervous and afraid when the bell rang, indicating it was time to go into class. I didn’t speak English fluently, so the butterflies in my stomach kept fluttering. After entering class, I sat silently as the teacher called on each student’s name. The time went by slowly.

It was horrible and I felt ashamed when the teacher told me to go outside with my tutor to work on my English. Although I knew I need help, I felt as if all the students’ eyes were on me as I walked outside. Taking my place on the bench, I tried my best to get the work done, correctly. I looked around, noticing the birds perched on the trees as the wind blew in my face. The weather was very different from San Francisco and the opposite of Hong Kong . This little detail I noticed once again succeeded in making feel like I don’t belong, for I was already used to the cloudy weather of San Francisco . I seemed really pathetic to feel sad over a small thing like this.

Throughout the day, I kept my distance from my classmates. I knew it would be hard to communicate with them and they seemed to play in groups, so I, just going into the group, would feel very weird and it may be disturbing to them. I guess I was still gullible back then, thinking my classmates would tease me, for they didn’t. All they really did was stare at me sometimes when I was having a hard time with my spelling or when I was one of the few that finished my math worksheet early. To me, being in that class for the first few days was like being in a crowd of people, but just seeing them as a crowd. I don’t remember whether it was me that isolated myself from them, or they didn’t bother to get to know me, but either way, all I thought about was wanting to move back to San Francisco.

Just when I thought all hopes were lost and I would be stuck with no friends until I graduate from this school, people began talking to me, or at least try. The several days I felt like an outsider seemed like several months to me, but then hope came. My classmates invited me to play with them, and slowly I became friends with some of them. The feelings of being isolated and alone left me as I enjoyed games of handball, basketball, tag and jump rope with my newly found friends. I guess sometimes, you just need to give it some more time. I didn’t understand that when I was younger but I accepted it without myself noticing. Here I am now, an 8th grader with the greatest friends anyone could meet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates good use of focus and meaning in this essay. From the outset, a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. (“Have you ever experienced the feeling when you’re in a room full of people but feel isolated and don’t belong? Surely, it was a horrible feeling because it seems as though you’re an outsider. Everyone has felt like an outsider before but in different situations. Maybe you felt alone because everyone else can do something you can't or people have something you don’t have. Either way, it’s not a happy feeling.”) Descriptions and details are provided that are all relevant to the story. (“I was feeling nervous and afraid when the bell rang, indicating it was time to go into class. I didn’t speak English fluently, so the butterflies in my stomach kept fluttering. After entering class, I sat silently as the teacher called on each student’s name. The time went by slowly.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content and development are good. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting in five detailed paragraphs. The characters created are believable and well-described. A conflict is established that heightens the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story. (“It was horrible and I felt ashamed when the teacher told me to go outside with my tutor to work on my English. Although I knew I need help, I felt as if all the students’ eyes were on me as I walked outside.”) Although dialogue is not used, the writer’s descriptions of his/her feelings enable the reader to capture a more vivid mental picture of the main character and the conflicts he/she faces within the story. (“I looked around, noticing the birds perched on the trees as the wind blew in my face. The weather was very different from San Francisco and the opposite of Hong Kong . This little detail I noticed once again succeeded in making feel like I don’t belong, for I was already used to the cloudy weather of San Francisco . I seemed really pathetic to feel sad over a small thing like this.”)

Organization

This essay is organized well with five paragraphs that include proper opening and concluding paragraphs. The opening paragraph engages the reader by effectively using a question to get the reader thinking about his/her own experiences with feeling like an outsider. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides the reader with a sense of completeness, in which any gaps in the story are filled. (“Just when I thought all hopes were lost and I would be stuck with no friends until I graduate from this school, people began talking to me, or at least try. The several days I felt like an outsider seemed like several months to me, but then hope came. My classmates invited me to play with them, and slowly I became friends with some of them. The feelings of being isolated and alone left me as I enjoyed games of handball, basketball, tag and jump rope with my newly found friends. I guess sometimes, you just need to give it some more time. I didn’t understand that when I was younger but I accepted it without myself noticing. Here I am now, an 8th grader with the greatest friends anyone could meet.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer’s sentences are well structured with some variety . (“I guess I was still gullible back then, thinking my classmates would tease me, for they didn’t. All they really did was stare at me sometimes when I was having a hard time with my spelling or when I was one of the few that finished my math worksheet early.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. There are f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling and they do not interfere with the author’s message. (“ Throughout the day, I kept my distance from my classmates. I knew it would be hard to communicate with them and they seemed to play in groups, so I, just going into the group would feel very weird and may be disturbing to them.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In a person’s life, they have had to at least felt like an outsider, and they had to deal with some kind of pressure of being an outsider. When I was five years old, my mom signed my sister and me up to take a gymnastics class at the local gym. Since my sister was very young, she didn’t know how to behave. She kept playing around and jumping on the trampoline, so my mom had to take her out of gymnastics.

I would go to the gym on Mondays, Thursdays, and Friday nights and Saturday mornings. I always listened to the coaches and paid attention to what they were saying, but I still didn’t make any friends. Then this one girl named Cathy became my friend, but she was friends with people I didn’t like and people I barely even talked to. Later on when I got a little bit older, I made more friends, but there would be a lot of arguments between other girls and me.

I got better at gymnastics, but the coaches were being hard on me than they needed to and that made me cry a lot. I would try so hard, and it seemed like it wasn’t enough to impress them, but there was this coach named Bill who would always support me and help me with my form. Again I had arguments between other girls and me, so I just dealt with it.

Then this competition came up where five girls had to go to state competing against other people from other parts of the state. I was supposed to go, but the head coach that ran the gym didn’t pick me. I knew she didn’t like me from the first time I signed up to be apart that gym. Then the bill for gymnastics got too high and my mom finally took me out of gymnastics. I felt like a real outsider.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are adequate. A basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated by the writer. (“In a person’s life, they have had to at least felt like an outsider, and they had to deal with some kind of pressure of being an outsider.”) This essay provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story. (“Then this competition came up where five girls had to go to state competing against other people from other parts of the state. I was supposed to go, but the head coach that ran the gym didn’t pick me. I knew she didn’t like me from the first time I signed up to be apart that gym. Then the bill for gymnastics got too high and my mom finally took me out of gymnastics. I felt like a real outsider.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. (“When I was five years old, my mom signed my sister and me up to take a gymnastics class at the local gym.”) A believable main character is also established, and a specific conflict is introduced regarding the main character’s frustration at feeling like an outsider. (“I got better at gymnastics, but the coaches were being hard on me than they needed to and that made me cry a lot. I would try so hard, and it seemed like it wasn’t enough to impress them, but there was this coach named Bill who would always support me and help me with my form. Again I had arguments between other girls and me, so I just dealt with it.”) The resulting tension from the character’s conflict holds the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story.

Organization

The organization of this four-paragraph essay is adequate. The author provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps the reader reading. (“In a person’s life, they have had to at least felt like an outsider, and they had to deal with some kind of pressure of being an outsider. When I was five years old, my mom signed my sister and me up to take a gymnastics class at the local gym.”) The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. A conclusion is also provided that leaves the reader knowing whether the character’s conflict was ever resolved. (“Then the bill for gymnastics got too high and my mom finally took me out of gymnastics. I felt like a real outsider.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is adequate. The author demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is generally utilized. (“ I would go to the gym on Mondays, Thursdays, and Friday nights and Saturday mornings. I always listened to the coaches and paid attention to what they were saying, but I still didn’t make any friends.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“Then this competition came up where five girls had to go to state competing against other people from other parts of the state. I was supposed to go, but the head coach that ran the gym didn’t pick me. I knew she didn’t like me from the first time I signed up to be apart that gym.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

When I felt like an outsider. The last time felt like an outsider is when I went skateboarding, people thought I was big for my age in a good way. Every one els was smaller but the other kids are the same hight as me but their older then me. So when I got on a skate team I wasent that good so I had to practice to get as good as the other kids. The thing is that there not cool and they think I am that’s kindove weird.

Once when my skate team and I were skating I was the only one that could do this certain gap at the skatepark. Every one got mad because they couldn’t do it I just told them to practice. Their scared to come down,so the next couple of weeks I got to be the best skater on the skate team. The time I really felt like an out side was when I couldn’t do a kick flip they started to laff. So they did that every day just to make me mad so I quit the skate team to go practice the kick flip.

A couple of weeks later I finally Nell the trick. When I showed the team they were amazed so I got back on the team. Have you ever felt like an outsider I did a couple of times mostly when I was skateboarding the extraordinary thing is that I didn’t care. You shouldn’t care if people think your not as good as those people.

The last time I think I felt like an outsider Is when I wouldent jump off a cliff.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its focus and meaning. (“When I felt like an outsider. The last time felt like an outsider is when I went skateboarding, people thought I was big for my age in a good way. Every one els was smaller but the other kids are the same hight as me but their older then me.”) The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Some details and descriptions used are not relevant to the story. (“The thing is that there not cool and they think I am that’s kindove weird.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development in this essay. The plot, setting, and characters are only adequately developed, and the essay lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. The conflict of the story is stated, but not developed. (“So when I got on a skate team I wasent that good so I had to practice to get as good as the other kids.”) The writer reveals the main character’s thoughts, but does not utilize dialogue to accomplish this part of the task. (“Have you ever felt like an outsider I did a couple of times mostly when I was skateboarding the extraordinary thing is that I didn’t care. You shouldn’t care if people think your not as good as those people.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this essay. A brief opening is provided, but may not hold the reader’s attention. (“When I felt like an outsider. The last time felt like an outsider is when I went skateboarding, people thought I was big for my age in a good way.”) Also, the flow of the story is broken by gaps in time and sequence. (“A couple of weeks later I finally Nell the trick. When I showed the team they were amazed so I got back on the team.”) There are few transitions, and the reader is left with an ambiguous sense of closure, because the writer reopens the essay at the end by making a comment about another time he/she felt like an outsider. (“The last time I think I felt like an outsider Is when I wouldent jump off a cliff.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. (“When I felt like an outsider. The last time felt like an outsider is when I went skateboarding, people thought I was big for my age in a good way. Every one els was smaller but the other kids are the same hight as me but their older then me. So when I got on a skate team I wasent that good so I had to practice to get as good as the other kids. The thing is that there not cool and they think I am that’s kindove weird.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

(“You shouldn’t care if people think your not as good as those people. The last time I think I felt like an outsider Is when I wouldent jump off a cliff.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The only time I have ever felt like an outsider is when I am in school and I don’'t understand my class work. Sometimes I would not understand my work and I would not ask my teachers for help with my class work but now I ask questions about my class work and I understand more things and I thank my teachers for that.

Even though I was trying to avoid my problem, I couldn’t because I just kept thinking about it. I was mad that he threw a smoke bombs at me and his friends just kept laughing at me. A few minutes later I went back out side. Once all of the kids saw me they just kept staring, but this kid came up to me and started talking to me. I was so glad that someone was talking to me.

In the end, I learned that if someone is picking on you tell someone. I was also glad to make a friend. If someone is making fun of you I learned how to ignore them. After all I made a knew friend and learned how to ignore a bully.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s focus and meaning in this essay are minimal at best. A minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. Descriptions and details are provided that seem to stray from the point of the story. (“Even though I was trying to avoid my problem, I couldn’t because I just kept thinking about it. I was mad that he threw a smoke bombs at me and his friends just kept laughing at me. A few minutes later I went back out side.”) In addition, the writer merely discusses his/her ideas without providing much actual plot. (“Once all of the kids saw me they just kept staring, but this kid came up to me and started talking to me.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content, including plot and setting, is minimally developed. Characters are merely mentioned, not developed or described in any way. (I was mad that he threw a smoke bombs at me and his friends just kept laughing at me.) There is no dialogue; rather, the writer simply states thoughts as to when he/she feels like an outsider. (“The only time I have ever felt like an outsider is when I am in school and I don’t understand my class work.”) The author never develops the theme of feeling like an outsider past the first paragraph. Instead, the author focuses the remaining details on how to handle a bully. (“In the end, I learned that if someone is picking on you tell someone. I was also glad to make a friend. If someone is making fun of you I learned how to ignore them. After all I made a knew friend and learned how to ignore a bully.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that merely repeats the title of the prompt. (The only time I have ever felt like an outsider is when I am in school…”) The flow of the story is difficult to follow since the writer moves from trouble with classroom work to having a smoke bomb thrown at him/her out in the school yard. These gaps in time disrupt the sequence of the story. This writer discusses feeling like an outsider in the first paragraph and moves to the topic of bullying for the remainder of the story. Even though there is evidence of a conclusion, it supports the topic of bullying and not the original prompt’s focus. (“I was also glad to make a friend. If someone is making fun of you I learned how to ignore them. After all I made a knew friend and learned how to ignore a bully.)

Language Use & Style

The minimal use of language and style is apparent in this essay. This writer also demonstrates little awareness of his/her audience, and there are basic errors in sentence structure and usage. (“ Sometimes I would not understand my work and I would not ask my teachers for help with my class work but now I ask questions about my class work and I understand more things and I thank my teachers for that.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“After all I made a knew friend and learned how to ignore a bully.”) (“I was mad that he threw a smoke bombs at me…”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

There was this one time when i dicieded to go live with my dad for all most a year. my dad told me that he was going to move out of his house. he said we where going to araziona. After i left my dad inrolled me into school and i dident fill conftubal at the new school. I usuley felt ok when i moved but i think it was just because it was a diffrent stat.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are inadequate. The writer demonstrates a lmost no understanding of the purpose of the task , lacks awareness of his/her audience, and provides few details that could be relevant to the story. (“I usuley felt ok when i moved but i think it was just because it was a diffrent stat.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay can best be described as inadequate. This essay l acks an identifiable plot and the setting is vaguely described. ( “ my dad told me that he was going to move out of his house. he said we where going to araziona.”) Characters are introduced, but are not developed in any way. ( “ There was this one time when i dicieded to go live with my dad for all most a year.”) The lack of tension, conflict, or events makes the story uninteresting to the reader.

Organization

The organization of this essay is inadequate. The author does not create a clear introduction or conclusion and makes no attempt to use transitions or paragraphing. This essay lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end. Furthermore, there are serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. (“There was this one time when i dicieded to go live with my dad for all most a year. my dad told me that he was going to move out of his house. he said we where going to araziona. After i left my dad inrolled me into school and i dident fill conftubal at the new school.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s overall use of language and style is inadequate. U nclear language and word choice are demonstrated , in addition to a lack of audience awareness. The author’s voice gets lost among the major errors within the sentence structure and his/her use of chosen words. (After i left my dad inrolled me into school and i dident fill conftubal at the new school. I usuley felt ok when i moved but i think it was just because it was a diffrent stat.)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“my dad told me that he was going to move out of his house. he said we where going to araziona. After i left my dad inrolled me into school and i dident fill conftubal at the new school.”)

Feeling Proud

From time to time we do things that make us proud of ourselves. Sometimes we are the only ones who even know what we have done, but we recognize that performing a good deed is often its own reward.

Write a narrative about something you did that made you feel proud. Describe what happened and explain why you felt a sense of pride.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The room seemed tiny, almost unbearable. It must have, at least, been a hundred degrees. If it got any hotter I thought people would start dropping like flies. I felt as if I was going to throw-up. Not exactly sick, just that weird stomach nausea. Some people call it butterflies, I call it adrenaline. The room I was in was completely painted white. It seemed eerie, yet almost like home, probably because I had been attending Tae Kwon Do ever since I was seven, so four years now. A row of belts hung on the wall, all in order, white, yellow, orange, green. The colors kept going, they seemed infinite. It was amazing to think I had almost made it all the way through, I was almost completely done. Above the belts written in sweet irony, were the words: your goal is to be a black belt. This is where my story begins.

"Are you nervous?" Kate looked at me with her "please tell me I'm not the only one" look. She had her hair up in a bun, and she was bouncing around, stretching, and rehearsing and doing what ever could take her mind off of what was about to go down. Apparently I could take her mind off of it at the moment.

"Of course, I mean, I spent like five-million hours practicing, and I'm still not sure I have it all down. We, you and me, we're going to be black belts!" I gave Kate my most encouraging smile I could come up with, with out making it look like I was completely devastated by nervous impulse. Kate gave me one last nervous glance before my instructor called out.

"Everyone line up," it was my instructor, Master Park . Everyone, about ten people in all, scurried obediently and lined up in a straight line, facing the belts. "As you all know, everyone here is here for one thing, and what is that?"

"To be a black belt, Sir!" everyone answered unanimously. I peeked over at Kate; her nervousness was gone, replaced with a glowing pride that lit up the room.

"Your families have come here to watch you, to help you, and to encourage you." Master Park said. I looked over at my mom and dad. They were sitting in the front row, smiling encouragingly. My mom winked at me, my dad mouthed the words, "You can do it!" and clenched his fist in the air as if to proclaim a victory.

The words "everybody go sit down against the wall," brought me back to reality. I ran to join the others sitting straight against the wall. It was time for the forms. Forms are routines with about twenty combinations of kicks and punches we have to memorize. He called us up one by one.

"Matthew, David, Kate, Elsie," Elsie, that was me. I went up to line up with the others. My instructor started counting, one, two three, I preformed the moves in perfect order, with power and precision. I did very well on the forms apart from the fact that every time I tried to clench my hand in a fist, the sweat would make them slip and slide out of place. My mom told me afterwards that I was the one that stood out the most that day.

After we all had completed our four forms, it was time for fitness testing. This consisted of doing forty five push ups, and sit ups, and then, the part I feared the most, two hundred jump-kicks.

First we had to perform the sit ups. I got through them pretty easily, but when I was done I was covered in sweat from head to toe, so maybe they weren't as easy as I had hoped. As I got up to turn around and start on the push up my abdomen hurt, I ignored the pain, and kept pushing through. My brother had come up to me for support, and he was cheering me on. "Go Elsie! Go! Your done! Good job!" The pride that I soon too would be a black belt swelled in his face. It reflected onto mine, I got going. I finally finished the push ups and sit ups.

"Alright everyone, now it's time for the hardest part, the jump-kicks. Since they are so hard I will need everyone to help cheer on the kids." Master Park instructed the audience.

I began. One, two, three, four, five, it seemed like it would last an eternity till I would get to two hundred. Then all of the sudden something came over me, and I was going as hard as I could. I was speeding through them. "one hundred twenty, one hundred twenty one," I was gasping under my breath. I kept pushing on and pushing on, too afraid that if I stopped I would never be able to start up again. I had the feeling I was going to be too sore to move for the rest of my life. I pushed the thought from my head, along with my doubt and my negativity. I was pushing through, and I knew Master Park had his eye on me. I didn't think I could make it. I wanted this so bad, but I doubted my ability to complete the test. Then I realized, if I didn't do this I would be so demolished. I made my mind completely blank. Everything seemed silent. It was only me, only my breath I heard, only my voice, everything else was a blur, I droned out the noise, the people cheering me on, then, I yelled, loud as I could,"Two hundred!" I was done. The test was complete, and I had passed with flying colors. I stood tall, no matter how much my body wanted to keel over in utter exhaustion I couldn't, I was engulfed in pride and accomplishment.

A smile came over my face, I stood there, pleased, proud, and I noticed, out of breath and aching.

A month later I received my black belt. It said my name, in bold gold lettering, standing out against the black. I was so proud of myself! I did it, I was a black belt, I knew that finally, I was whole. I was swelling with pride. Every bit of me about to burst. I had become a black belt along with my friend Kate, I strutted to the ice cream shop to celebrate our victory.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this interesting story, the student describes the Tae Kwon Do test she took to earn her black belt. (“ It was amazing to think I had almost made it all the way through, I was almost completely done. Above the belts written in sweet irony, were the words: your goal is to be a black belt. This is where my story begins.”) This writer includes a variety of descriptions and details that are very relevant to the story and the purpose of the task. De monstrating a sophisticated understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, the author truly goes beyond the limits of this task.

Content & Development

In the plot, the author describes in thorough detail the setting, plot, and characters. Vivid description illustrates the main character’s actions and experiences. (“ I looked over at my mom and dad. They were sitting in the front row, smiling encouragingly. My mom winked at me, my dad mouthed the words, ‘You can do it!’ and clenched his fist in the air as if to proclaim a victory.”) Dialogue is also used very effectively to reveal the characters’ thoughts and feelings. (“ ’Are you nervous?’ Kate looked at me with her ‘please tell me I'm not the only one’ look. She had her hair up in a bun, and she was bouncing around, stretching, and rehearsing and doing what ever could take her mind off of what was about to go down.”)

Organization

A very effective organizational structure is seen in this essay. The author grabs the reader’s interest right from the beginning by artfully describing the setting. (“ The room seemed tiny, almost unbearable. It must have, at least, been a hundred degrees. If it got any hotter I thought people would start dropping like flies. I felt as if I was going to throw-up. Not exactly sick, just that weird stomach nausea.”) The story flows chronologically and smoothly due to the writer’s appropriate use of transitional devices. The concluding paragraph effectively pulls the entire story together. (“ A month later I received my black belt. It said my name, in bold gold lettering, standing out against the black. I was so proud of myself!”)

Language Use & Style

The author uses language precisely and effectively in this story. Although one may detect an occasional run-on, most sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ After we all had completed our four forms, it was time for fitness testing. This consisted of doing forty five push ups, and sit ups, and then, the part I feared the most, two hundred jump-kicks.”) This writer also demonstrates an excellent awareness and control of voice within her essay. (“Everything seemed silent. It was only me, only my breath I heard, only my voice, everything else was a blur, I droned out the noise, the people cheering me on, then, I yelled, loud as I could,’Two hundred!’ I was done. The test was complete, and I had passed with flying colors. I stood tall, no matter how much my body wanted to keel over in utter exhaustion I couldn't, I was engulfed in pride and accomplishment.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. Although there are a few errors in spelling, grammar (“ Your done!”) , and punctuation (“ Every bit of me about to burst.”) , they do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Being a Good Santa

"Yay!" I exclaimed, "We have no school for half a month!" Christmas time was here, and "'tis the season to be jolly." I definitely knew that I would be getting lots of gifts because I had been good all year, but suddenly, I felt a great deal of depression on a Sunday at church.

"Now is the season of giving," announced the minister. "We all know that the three wise men were the ones who traveled across the land to praise the baby Jesus and to send him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Turn your bibles to the book of Matthew, chapter two...."During Sunday school, our teacher talked about the birth of Jesus, the shepherds, and the angels. In addition to that, he talked about a church community service where we would visit people who were living in foster homes and donate gifts. This made a huge impact on me, since I had always thought that everyone had a cozy, warm home, a family, and time to celebrate Christmas. It turned out that I was wrong.

"Sign-up sheets are in the office," said Uncle Anthony, the children's pastor. "I hope everyone will be there Saturday afternoon, because I will be there."

I am not exactly sure why I signed up to do this, but it was for the best. It was going to be a holly, jolly Christmas, and everyone would be happy.

I tried to pick out a toy to donate, but there were too many things to choose. Finally, I decided to buy something that I had really wanted myself, to give. It was quite expensive, but I still thought it was the perfect gift. This time, my mom really became crazy when I dumped a jumbo-sized teddy bear into the shopping cart.

"Forty dollars just for a teddy bear!?" she cried. "You must be kidding me. Well, if you really want it, you will have to skip all your Christmas presents this year."This decision was very hard to make. If I wanted to help someone else, I would have to sacrifice some of my own things, but if I did not help someone, more than one person would be troubled. Finally, I chose to give up my other presents to help someone else.

Later that day, when we went to visit the foster homes, I began to feel proud of myself for doing the good thing. We sang "Noel" and " We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and passed out the gifts. I took the teddy bear, and seeing another young boy, I gave it to him.

"Thank you," he said, as he hugged me.

When my mom and I came back, she whispered, "Merry Christmas," and took out a jumbo-sized teddy bear, exactly like the one I had given.

"I thought I had to skip this year's Christmas presents," I said.

"Not anymore," she replied, "I am proud of you for being a good Santa."

It was going to be a holly, jolly Christmas, and everyone would be happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a complete, expressive, and moving story. The essay demonstrates a very good understanding of the audience and the assigned task. The author sets out to share with its reader a memory of a time when she/he felt proud during one particular Christmas. (“ If I wanted to help someone else, I would have to sacrifice some of my own things, but if I did not help someone, more than one person would be troubled. Finally, I chose to give up my other presents to help someone else.”) The author remains focused on this idea and provides details and descriptions that are vivid and relevant to the story.

Content & Development

The essay provides a well-developed plot and setting, beginning with the author’s revelation at church one Sunday. (“ he talked about a church community service where we would visit people who were living in foster homes and donate gifts. This made a huge impact on me, since I had always thought that everyone had a cozy, warm home, a family, and time to celebrate Christmas. It turned out that I was wrong.”) The climax of the story occurs when the student gives away his/her favorite teddy bear. (“Later that day, when we went to visit the foster homes, I began to feel proud of myself for doing the good thing. We sang ‘Noel’ and ’We Wish You a Merry Christmas’ and passed out the gifts. I took the teddy bear, and seeing another young boy, I gave it to him. ‘Thank you,’ he said, as he hugged me.”) Dialogue is used effectively throughout the narrative when the minister, Uncle Anthony, and the mother speak.

Organization

This essay shows the good organizational sense of the author. The opening paragraph engages the audience enticing them to read further. (“ I definitely knew that I would be getting lots of gifts because I had been good all year, but suddenly, I felt a great deal of depression on a Sunday at church.”) The body of the essay flows smoothly from one event to the next using effective transitions. (“This time”, “Finally”, and ”Later that day”) The conclusion of the story provides readers with a sense of completion. (“It was going to be a holly, jolly Christmas, and everyone would be happy.”)

Language Use & Style

Although the author’s writing style and language are not overly sophisticated, they are appropriate for this task. Words are mostly well-chosen and descriptive and sentences are correctly structured and varied. (“It was going to be a holly, jolly Christmas, and everyone would be happy.“) There is a clear sense of voice (“’Yay!’ I exclaimed, ‘We have no school for half a month!’ Christmas time was here, and ‘tis the season to be jolly.’") and an understanding of the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors compromise the integrity of the essay. The author’s good control of the conventions and

mechanics of standard written English is obvious in this response. (“ When my mom and I came back, she whispered, ‘Merry Christmas,’ and took out a jumbo-sized teddy bear, exactly like the one I had given.”)

Few errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation are detected and none of them interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I did alot of good deeds that make me feel proud of myself. The greatest deed that I made was returning a womans purse. It made me feel proud of myself because if I anyone was in a situation like she was losing all of her information you would have wanted someone to return your things also. She was very proud because most people wouldn't want to return it but she was lucky that someone did. That someone was me.

I was about eleven years old and I was with my mother and sister shopping at the supermarket and when I returned the cart we seen a purse. I rushed to tell my mom and then I gave it to her. When she took it we had to go through it to find out who this belonged to. When we went through it we found her address. So we decided that we will take it to her.

When we left the supermarket we drove to her house. When we approached it I went to knock on the door. It made me very scared because I didn't even know the woman and we was bringing back her purse. It may sound strange, well not to her. I was standing there for a minute to wait until someone answered the door, and she was home. When she came to the door I immediately had told her what happened and the procedure we had to go through in order to find out where she lived.

When we had got finished telling her what happened she seemed very shocked and sunrise that someone was thoughtful enough to bring it back. When I handed her the purse she had told me to hold on when she came back to the door she handed me a reward of twenty dollars. It may seem like an small amount,but not to someone at the age of eleven.I was very happy and she was happy. Everyone went home satisfied. I went back to the car and told my mom and my sister what happened and that said that was good of her. I went home told the rest of my family and then we sat and talked about it.

In conclusion, that was the best deed I have done so far when I was little besides helping out. That made me proud and even made the woman proud to have her things back. Its real mean if someone didn't give it back to her if we wouldn't of found it. Why? Because if you was in this situation like she was you would be hoping for someone to bring it back too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. In this essay, the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the assignment by describing a time when he/she felt proud. (“ The greatest deed that I made was returning a womans purse. It made me feel proud of myself because if I anyone was in a situation like she was losing all of her information you would have wanted someone to return your things also.”) Descriptions and details are provided that are relevant to the narrative.

Content & Development

The plot developed by the author is reasonably detailed. The author describes in some detail the purse she/he found and the effort taken to return it to its rightful owner. (“When we left the supermarket we drove to her house. When we approached it I went to knock on the door. It made me very scared because I didn't even know the woman and we was bringing back her purse.”) The climax occurs when the student returns the purse and is rewarded for the good deed. (“When we had got finished telling her what happened she seemed very shocked and sunrise that someone was thoughtful enough to bring it back. When I handed her the purse she had told me to hold on when she came back to the door she handed me a reward of twenty dollars. It may seem like an small amount,but not to someone at the age of eleven.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The introductory paragraph attempts to engage the reader and establishes the background for the story. (“ She was very proud because most people wouldn't want to return it but she was lucky that someone did. That someone was me.”) The body paragraphs moved through the narrative in an organized manner. The author incorporates some transitional devices to support the flow of sequential events (“When we left” and “When we got finished”). The conclusion shows some sense of completion. (“In conclusion, that was the best deed I have done so far when I was little besides helping out.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use is simple, yet adequate for this task. For the most part, the words and sentences used are correct. (“ When she came to the door I immediately had told her what happened and the procedure we had to go through in order to find out where she lived.”) The author even shows some evidence of voice. (“Its real mean if someone didn't give it back to her if we wouldn't of found it. Why? Because if you was in this situation like she was you would be hoping for someone to bring it back too. “)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates adequate ability to adhere to the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. There are some errors in spelling , grammar (“we seen a purse “ and “if you was”), and punctuation (“a womans purse”), but they do not significantly detract from the overall look of the essay.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What makes you proud of your self? I sure know what makes me proud. My proudest moment is when I am with someone that cares about me. I all so like to be with my baby cousins, aunt's, and uncle's because I love babies and I like to take care of them when their parents go out. I don't know why I love babies so much, but I guess I just do. I am so proud of my self, that I don't already have a kid.

Another thing that gets me proud is when I get to go to my Grandpa's office, and his house because over their in Moline their is a lot of cute boys. I also like it their because they always get to go do a lot of things.

I remember this one time that I made my self proud. It was a wonderful day up Montana and their was this Guy that was walking and he was asking people for some water and no one gave him some, so I gave my bottle of water and he said "thank you so much," I said "no problem." That made me feel really proud of my self.

Do you like to feel proud of your self? Well you should because no one should not be left out. I mean feeling proud of your self is the most grateful, and wonderful feelings you can ever have. I just want you to learn that every one should feel proud of them selves.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes a limited focus and meaning. Although the author does discuss instances when he/she felt proud, the essay is not written in narrative form, which demonstrates only a limited understanding of the purpose and audience. (“My proudest moment is when I am with someone that cares about me. I all so like to be with my baby cousins, aunt's, and uncle's because I love babies and I like to take care of them when their parents go out. I don't know why I love babies so much, but I guess I just do. I am so proud of my self, that I don't already have a kid.”)

Content & Development

In the third paragraph, the author develops an instance when he/she felt particularly proud. (“I remember this one time that I made my self proud. It was a wonderful day up Montana and their was this Guy that was walking and he was asking people for some water and no one gave him some, so I gave my bottle of water and he said ‘thank you so much,’ I said ‘no problem.’“) However, this example lacks sufficient detail, description, and development. Some dialogue is incorporated in the story, but it needs to be further addressed in the response.

Organization

The essay provides an opening that attempts to grab the audience’s attention. (“What makes you proud of your self? I sure know what makes me proud.”) The story moves from one instance to the next, but would be more smoothly organized with stronger transitions or paragraphs that are more focused. (“My proudest moment is when I am with someone that cares about me. I all so like to be with my baby cousins, aunt's, and uncle's because I love babies and I like to take care of them when their parents go out. I don't know why I love babies so much, but I guess I just do. I am so proud of my self, that I don't already have a kid.”) The author attempts to conclude the essay, but the ending needs improvement. (“I mean feeling proud of your self is the most grateful, and wonderful feelings you can ever have. I just want you to learn that every one should feel proud of them selves.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use in this response is limited. For the most part, the author employs simple words and sentences. (“Another thing that gets me proud is when I get to go to my Grandpa's office, and his house because over their in Moline their is a lot of cute boys. I also like it their because they always get to go do a lot of things.”) The author demonstrates some evidence of voice (“What makes you proud of your self? I sure know what makes me proud.”), but still seems unaware of the audience. (“Another thing that gets me proud is when I get to go to my Grandpa's office, and his house because over their in Moline their is a lot of cute boys.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows limited control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are several noticeable errors in usage (“there is”), punctuation, and grammar (“I all so like”) that somewhat interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The time I feel proud of my self is when I help mymom do the bed & clean my room & wash the dishes. Ifeel proud of my self cause after that she gives me something like a new movie SHARK TALE it is so hilarious. Sometimes we even goto the mall or the theater.

When we don't go to the mall or the therater we just stay at home & play board games. We play LIFE or MONOPOLY. When we don't play we just watch TV or a movie. When we don't do something we just look for something to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose of this task. The essay is not written in the form of a narrative, which shows that the author is unclear of his/her audience and intention. A controlling idea is established (“The time I feel proud of my self is when I help mymom do the bed & clean my room & wash the dishes. “), but the details and description stray from this focus.

Content & Development

Content development in this response is minimal. The plot and setting are unclear because the narrative basis for this response is not established. The main characters, the author and the mother, are poorly described and are not developed. The particular instance when this person felt most proud is stated (“The time I feel proud of my self is when I help mymom do the bed & clean my room & wash the dishes.”), but the remainder of the details in this response do not support this concept (“We play LIFE or MONOPOLY. When we don't play we just watch TV or a movie.”). No dialogue is exhibited in this response to show the character’s thoughts, feelings, or interactions.

Organization

The opening of this short response repeats the title of the prompt. (“The time I feel proud of my self is when…”) The flow from one idea to the next is difficult to follow because there are few transitions and the thought process is not sequential or logical. (“The time I feel proud of my self is when I help mymom do the bed & clean my room & wash the dishes. Ifeel proud of my self cause after that she gives me something like a new movie SHARK TALE it is so hilarious. Sometimes we even goto the mall or the theater. When we don't go to the mall or the therater we just stay at home & play board games.”) There is no noticeable rationale for the two-paragraph structure.

Language Use & Style

Language use in this essay is poor. The author uses very simple words and sentences in this response. (“When we don't do something we just look for something to do.”) The only instance of audience awareness is in the first line of this response, when the author attempts to respond to the writing prompt. Additionally, there is almost no evidence of voice in this essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s grasp of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English is limited. There are several errors in grammar, spelling (“therater”), and punctuation (“mymom”), which somewhat interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time when I was playing football for in 2002 we were undefited and we were in the playoffs and if we lose we cant go to our travale game. We hade 49 seconds left and if they score we cant go to our traval game. When they hiked the ball I rushed in and tackeldthe qarter back when I tackeld him he fumbled the ball and I got the ball and ran for the touch down.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The response demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author does briefly describe a moment from his/her life in this essay, there is no mention of feeling proud. The student may be asking his/her reader to make an implied connection of pride in this football event, but the correlation is not explained or developed. Since no focus is established, the detail and description in this essay serve no clearly relevant focus.

Content & Development

This response attempts to construct an identifiable plot and setting. (“One time when I was playing football in 2002 we were undefited and we were in the playoffs and if we lose we cant go to our travale game.”) However, no characters are described or developed. The conflict is stated (“When they hiked the ball I rushed in and tackeldthe qarter back when I tackeld him he fumbled the ball and I got the ball and ran for the touch down.”), but there is no resolution. The reader is left to wonder “What happened?”

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a five-line essay. The response lacks basic organization. While there is some semblance of an introduction (“ One time when I was playing football in 2002…”), there is no middle and no conclusion. Transitional devices are not noticeable.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates inadequate language use. Sentences contain basic errors in structure. (“One time when I was playing football in 2002 we were undefited and we were in the playoffs and if we lose we cant go to our travale game.”) Word choice is minimal, but is not wholly inadequate. (“When they hiked the ball I rushed in and tackeldthe qarter back when I tackeld him he fumbled the ball and I got the ball and ran for the touch down.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“undefited” and “travale”), grammar, and punctuation (“tackeldthe qarter back”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

First Day of School

The first day of school can be a very memorable experience. Think about a first day of school that you remember well. What happened on this first day of school? What experiences made this day memorable? Write an essay about the first day of school and what you experienced on this first day.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everyone is a little anxious when he or she goes somewhere for the first time. This could be going to work, getting musical lessons, or maybe trying a new sport. I bear in mind my first day of sixth grade. I was a junior higher for the first time. I could scarcely get to sleep the night before because I was so excited, and I was a little bit anxious.

I woke up that morning at about 6:30 to persistent beeping of my alarm clock. I quickly ate cereal, dressed in my best cloths, brushed my teeth for 5 minutes, and got my lunch card in my new wallet. I liked my lunch/ID card. It made me feel very important. I remember it saying 006, standing for the sixth grade, but I acted like I was James Bond ’ s partner. I said good-bye quickly to my mom and headed out the door on my long journey. When I got to the bus stop I saw some old friends like Drew, and I chatted for a while till the bus came.

It was a long ride to the school, but I was cheerful with excitement. When I got to school, I thought of how someday I would know every classroom and hall in that school, and now I do, after going there for 3 years. I walked up to the sixth-grade-floor, which was 3 flights up. “This is going to be a lot of work walking up and down these stairs every day,” I said to a nearby sixth grader who I had known previously. He nodded his head in agreement to what I had said. Once I got to my locker I put all my new binders, notebooks, and little gadgets for passing the day by. Then I walked in to my first class, which was Literature. I saw a few my friends, and quite a few people I had never seen before. “Hey Josh, this is Grady,” one of my buddies said named Tyler . I know Grady really well now, and it is hard is to think of what my life was like when I did not know Grady or Tyler . The day went much the same way, meeting new friends and seeing old ones.

I remember my first time eating lunch at the junior high also. I raced down to the lunchroom thankful for a break and for some food. I sat down at a table close to the doors. Some of the teachers explained this and that about the rules and regulations to everyone. I remember being very squashed at the tables sitting next to my friends, but now I am used to having little room at the tables during lunch. I also remember being very excited about all the new things there was at lunch. You could get a double hot lunch, buy candy or chips and the snack bar, and on Wednesdays you could buy things from the school store.

I still remember that day very well. Some memories are just little things, like remembering the expression on someone ’ s face, and other memories are big things like my first lunch period. It is always fun to look back, and think about what I thought then, and how my opinions and ideas changed now. I know I will always remember that first day, as a sixth grader.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this essay maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough, mature understanding of the purpose and audience. It completes all parts of the task and aptly demonstrates that the author has put quite a bit of thought into the writing assignment.

Content & Development

The author d evelops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support them. When the author says, “ I liked my lunch/ID card. It made me feel very important. I remember it saying 006, standing for the sixth grade, but I acted like I was James Bond ’ s partner, ” it is clear to the reader just how important and mature the author felt on this day,

Organization

In this essay, the author de monstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Notice how, for instance, the author introduces the essay by touching on a larger issue (“ Everyone is a little anxious when he or she goes somewhere for the first time ”) and then makes a more specific statement (“ I bear in mind my first day of sixth grade ”) . The conclusion reiterates the author’s position well and shows that the author has thought about this day frequently over time.

Language Use & Style

This essay is characterized by e ffective and precise language use. The author chooses words artfully and offers a mature, well-defined voice. The following statements are good examples of the author’s well-defined voice: “ I could scarcely get to sleep ” and “ I raced down to the lunchroom .”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay is written largely free of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A most terrible thing happened on August 19TH of 2003: school had started. We started at the insane hour 6:55 in the morning. Everyone was really excited to be here at school except me. These are the reasons I was not happy. One we had homework on the first day. Two I accidentally got my finger smashed in my locker. Last I had fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle. My friends all came up and asked me how I was doing.

We had homework on the very first day of school, do you believe this. Your not suppose to have homework on the very first day of school it’s like against the children’s rule book of homework rules. Its rule # 1 . I t states that homework is not allowed until after the first week of school. We even had tests that day. We had tests in almost every single class. The tests were over what kind of learner you are. I couldn't understand anything that it was asking me. Homework was really hard. It was so hard that it took me 3 hours to finish.

I also smashed my finger in my locker. It hurt like getting bit by an alligator. It was right before lunch and I was getting my lunch box and someone purposely shut my locker and got finger stuck in between. By the end of the school day my fingers were all black and blue. When I got home my mom rushed me to the hospital and the doctors said my bone was smashed in two different places. I had to wear a hard cast on three of my fingers for 1 month.

On the 9Th or 10Th day of school I got tripped and fell down the stairs. It was the biggest crash I have had in my whole entire childhood. I fell and then the kid in front of me fell and then the kid in front of him fell and then the kid in front of him fell and then the kid in front of him fell and then there was the hard floor. It was just like a big line of dominoes one person after another. I was at the bottom of the humongous pile of people. I came out of it with a broken leg and two broken arms. It hurt really, really bad.

Those are the terrible things that happened on that day in the year 2003. We had homework on the first day of school. I got my finger smashed in my locker. I fell down the stairs and got hurt. Those were the worst things ever. I will always remember that wheelchair that carried me around through these hallways and I will always remember the spot where it had all happened.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes and maintains a clear, if not humorous, controlling idea and demonstrates a good understanding of the purpose and audience.

Content & Development

The author supports the ideas presented c learly, using sufficient appropriate details to support them. The author’s finger not only hurt, “ It hurt like getting bit by an alligator .” The description of the fall down the stairs was particularly interesting.

Organization

This essay is well organized with a unified structure, good introduction, and solid conclusion. Transitional devices are used consistently from one paragraph to the next.

Language Use & Style

This essay d emonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with strong evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. If anything, some of the sentences are unclear or poorly written (“ We had homework on the very first day of school, do you believe this ”) and should be revised.

Mechanics & Conventions

As noted, this response maintains g ood control of the conventions and mechanics of written English.

The key flaw in this essay is, as noted above, that several sentences are poorly worded. Additional examples of poorly written sentences that could easily be improved by the inclusion of commas are these: “ One we had homework on the first day. Two I accidentally got my finger smashed in my locker. Last I had fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle .”

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The first day of school is always very exciting for me. I love making new friends. Every year it just gets more challenging. I love a challenge.

The night before school started , It was very hard for me to sleep. I could not wait to se who all was in my classes. All I could think about was what I was gonna wear , and who I was gonna meet. I only got a few hours of sleep.

The next morning it was very hard for m e to wake up. It's always hard to wake up when school starts back up. When I finally woke up , I got dressed and did my make-up and stuff. I had to look perfect for the first day of school. It was so exciting.

When I got to school , my first challenge was to find my home-room class. Which I found out was social studies. My teacher was Mr. Jones . He passed out books, and went over the rule s in his class, which were very easy to follow. Mr. Jones went over a few more things, then dismissed us to our second period class. Mr. R onald was my next teacher. He taught health class , where he told us about drugs and stuff like that. My third period class was gym. After gym it was on to science. I had Mrs. Smith . She also passed out books and gave us rules. She is a very good teacher. Math was my next class,with Mrs. Thomas . She passed out a word search to do for the day. Last period I had Mrs. F ine , also a remarkable teacher. She taught language arts. This class I like the most because I do good in it and I had a lot of friends in this class.

I was very satisfyed by the teachers that I had and the people that I had in my classes. I would never change what happened on that day. After reading this I hope you know why.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In general, this response e stablishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, completing the task adequately. (“ The night before school started , It was very hard for me to sleep. I could not wait to se who all was in my classes. All I could think about was what I was gonna wear , and who I was gonna meet. I only got a few hours of sleep. The next morning it was very hard for m e to wake up. It's always hard to wake up when school starts back up. When I finally woke up , I got dressed and did my make-up and stuff. I had to look perfect for the first day of school. It was so exciting. ”)

Content & Development

In this essay, the author d evelops ideas adequately, including sufficient details to support the main idea. Note, however, that additional information could be added to the fourth paragraph to better support the sequence of events described. As it is written, this paragraph is simple and somewhat repetitive. (“ He taught health class , where he told us about drugs and stuff like that. My third period class was gym. After gym it was on to science. I had Mrs. Smith . She also passed out books and gave us rules. She is a very good teacher. Math was my next class,with Mrs. Thomas . She passed out a word search to do for the day. Last period I had Mrs. F ine , also a remarkable teacher. She taught language arts. This class I like the most because I do good in it and I had a lot of friends in this class. ”)

Organization

This response is a dequately organized with a unified structure, noticeable introduction, and conclusion. The statement “ I love a challenge ” is effective in grabbing the reader’s attention in the introduction.

Language Use & Style

For the most part, this response d emonstrates appropriate language use and word choice. The slang expression “ gonna ” should be replaced, and the author does use simple sentences in describing the sequence of the day (“ My third period class was gym. After gym it was on to science. I had Mrs. T homas ”), which could be improved.

Mechanics & Conventions

The response shows a dequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors are present, such as the misspelling of “ satisfyed " and the sentence fragment “ Which I found out was social studies ,” but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My first day of eighth grade was a fun one.I got to see a lot of my friends I had not seen in awhile. I met all my teacher's for the first time. Well I already know Mr. Jones but it was good to see him.

A lot of first days of school can be good for some people and other people dread the day it comes. Personally I like it because I see my friends and other stuff like that. My funnest first day of school was last year because it just seemed like it. I remember my first day of kindergarten. My teachers name was Mrs.Ronald and she was my favorite teacher and still is to this day. My little brother Brandel has her this year.

This year should be fun but will wait and see. When I set foot in the school this year it all started over again. No more staying out late except Friday and Saturday. Going back to school can keep me out of trouble anyways. It is not like I would get into any trouble anyways.I am smart enough not to get into trouble. First days of school are fun to me. A lot of my friends like going to school on the first day because they get to see their friends. Some like the first day and that's all. They always complain about getting up in the morning and I always say a wait till you get a job you have to get up really early for some jobs. What else I like about first days of school is you get out early too and you can hangout with your friends after school for a while.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author e stablishes a controlling idea but is unorganized and repetitive in supporting the main idea. Some parts of the task are complete, but the response could benefit from significant revision and restructuring.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author d evelops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. The author restates some ideas repeatedly (“ First days of school are fun to me ”) but fails to adequately explain to the reader why this is the case.

Organization

While an introduction is provided, there is no clear evidence of a conclusion. The author also shows some difficulty in maintaining a consistent chronological order throughout. It is unclear, for example, which year the author is referring to as the expressions “ My first day of eighth grade ,” “My funnest first day of school was last year,” and “This year should be fun” are commingled.

Language Use & Style

This response uses simple language, relying on basic sentences with insufficient variety and word choice. In the following two sentences, for example, the author redundantly uses the same word rather than rewriting the sentences to make the point more effectively: “Going back to school can keep me out of trouble anyways. It is not like I would get into any trouble anyways.”

Mechanics & Conventions

While this author maintains some l imited control of conventions and mechanics, several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling remain. The following sentence illustrates some of these errors: “ They always complain about getting up in the morning and I always say a wait till you get a job you have to get up really early for some jobs.”

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I was really scared coming here to K.O. because, I din't know what to do. So my friends told me where I needed to go.But in a away I was happy.Because I've never been to middle school. I thought that the school was great. It gives you a lot of opportunities. They have a lot of neat stuff. I really liked lunch too. The food was great.

The teachers are really nice. They try their best so we can learn. All my classes were great. So at the end of the day I was really happy. The day turned out to be great.But the bad thing was that I had homework.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, the author begins to complete the task assigned and suggests a controlling idea (“ I was really scared coming here to K.O. ”) but fails to fully support the position offered to the reader.

Content & Development

In this essay, the student develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. Notice how the author claims “ They have a lot of neat stuff ” and “ The teachers are really nice ” without telling the reader what was neat or how the teachers were nice.

Organization

While the author attempts to o rganize this response, the introduction and conclusion remain poorly developed and there is no evidence of an effective transition between the two paragraphs presented.

Language Use & Style

This response continues to utilize very basic sentences and language with little variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response continues to make errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, several fragments (“ Because I've never been to middle school ”) and spelling errors (“ din't ”) are obvious.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I goto first day of school . I very happy because; I finish garden I no like garden . I meen friend his name is Sarboz .Sarboz friendly boy . And my teacher teach me read. And igoto my second class ,This teacher teach me English.English very easy . This my frist day of s chool. This day i meen friend and i know read and write And i go to America . Isay my friend'' bye ''. Ino cry .Because me boy . boys nocry And Americatoo i have friend. This friend good too....

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author f ails to establish a controlling idea and ultimately fails to complete the task assigned. The reader cannot determine why this day was memorable to the student.

Content & Development

This essay shows little evidence of details used to support the author’s ideas. The author’s presentation remains unclear and unsupported.

Organization

This essay d emonstrates no evidence of a unified structure and contains no introduction or conclusion. While there is a suggestion of a time sequence (“ And igoto my second class ”), this suggestion does not strengthen the author’s response to the prompt.

Language Use & Style

This essay is characterized by unclear and incoherent language use, with major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage (for example: “ And my teacher teach me read ” and “ Because me boy ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

In this response, the author displays m ajor errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Some spelling errors include: “ frist ” and “ meen .”

Getting Home From the Middle of Nowhere

Imagine that you are riding on a train or a bus. Suddenly the train or bus stops, and the driver announces that you have reached the end and you must get off. As the train or bus departs, you realize that you have no idea where you are. What will you do? Write an imaginative story about your adventures in this unfamiliar place and how you try to get home. Explain the setting and details of the experience. Tell your story in an interesting way to engage the reader. Remember to make sure the reader has enough details about your experience so he or she can picture it in his or her mind.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am lost, just lost. I am lost in so many ways. Now I could kick myself because if I hadn't gotten on this bus in the first place, this never would have happened. It's all my sister's fault. She forgot to pick me up from school, and I was forced to take the city bus because I missed the school bus. I hate buses. They're noisy, crowded and stuffy. And now, thanks to Vanessa, I am stuck here, for who knows how long. I can hear them talking.

"What is that little girl doing on this bus, all alone?" they'll ask.

I crossed my arms and looked out the window, my expression unchanged as we passed through the city in a big blur, and the sun is shining so brightly it is hurting my eyes.

Great. Just great. I sit back and heave a sigh, wishing I had a phone, feeling so lonely and unsafe. An old man takes a seat next to me at the next stop. He wreaks of strong cologne. He winks at me. "Hello, there," he says cheerfully.

"Hi," I mutter.

"What was that? I'm afraid my hearing is going with this old age," says the man.

"Hi," I say again, louder this time.

His cane is digging into my leg. He is wearing navy blue high waters that reveal his knee socks, and his shirt is hidden by a thick leather jacket. He barely has any hair left, and one could assume he hasn't brushed his teeth in weeks, by the stench of his breath.

He lets a few moments go by before he speaks again. "What brings a youngster like you onto a city bus?" he wonders aloud.

"My sister forgot to pick me up from school. I spent so much time waiting for her, I missed my bus, and now I'm stuck here. I can't get a taxi because I'm broke. I don't know my way around the city well enough to find my own way home. We just moved here from California ," I explained.

"I've lived in Cincinnati all my life. I moved here for the snow. I used to ski. I was rather good at it if I do say so, myself," he said. He started rambling about a past time of his "in the old days". I wasn't paying much attention. I was thankful when the bus stopped,for a brief moment in time anyhow.

"It seems as if the bus has broken down. I apologize, but I'm going to have to ask all of you to get off here. In this traffic jam, you could be sitting here for a long time. It would probably be easier to get off here," the driver told us. So, we filed out. At this point, I was really lost. I was all alone, completely alone. Now, I didn't even have the smelly old man to talk to. I found a park bench, sat down, and began to cry. I suppose you could say I was just feeling sorry for myself, but who could blame me. I was so lost. Well, I thought so anyway.

To my dismay, I was out of change, so I couldn't very well call my sister, and I had forgotten my mother's number at work. I overheard a few people saying a blizzard was on it's way, which might explain why all the stores were closing. I just looked around for. . what? I don't know.

Suddenly, when I looked up, I saw a familiar face. It wasn't the face I had expected to see. It wasn't a face I would have been glad to see, under any normal circumstances, anyway. But in this case, I was glad to see him.

It's funny how you take things for granted until they're gone. When you're scared, suddenly, the little things matter, and you forget about being angry with your sister for not picking you up from school.

It was the old man. "Hello again," he said.

"What are you still doing here?" I asked him.

"I've been lost from time to time, myself," he said. "I wasn't very well going to let you sit here in the cold. Say, where do you live?"

I hesitated. "I live on Rockmore Street ," I told him.

I was taking a chance, true. I had been listening to all those lectures on street safety as a child, but I was desperate. It was cold, and I was hungry, and above all, I was lost. So, I told him.

"Now, let's just see here," he said. " Rockmore Street . .

Rockmore Street is just around the corner. Why, it's right over there!"

"It is?" I asked excitedly.

So, home had been right under my nose the whole time. I just stared at the street sign for a minute, and then I laughed, and so did the old man.

When mom saw the old man that took me home, she looked surprised. Later that night I asked her why. "But. . he's blind," she had responded.

I crooked my eye brows. Who would have known that a blind man could see better than I? I suppose there is a lesson here. I have learned that sometimes you have to look beyond what is in front of you. Sometimes, it's the only way home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a complete narrative that conveys an interesting and vivid story to the intended audience. The author establishes and remains focused on a theme that appropriately responds to the prompt (“"It seems as if the bus has broken down. I apologize, but I'm going to have to ask all of you to get off here. In this traffic jam, you could be sitting here for a long time. It would probably be easier to get off here," the driver told us. So, we filed out. At this point, I was really lost. I was all alone, completely alone. Now, I didn't even have the smelly old man to talk to. I found a park bench, sat down, and began to cry. I suppose you could say I was just feeling sorry for myself, but who could blame me. I was so lost. Well, I thought so anyway. “) Thus, the author thoroughly completes all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author uses a number of descriptive details to support the main idea of this narrative and help the reader visualize the story (“His cane is digging into my leg. He is wearing navy blue high waters that reveal his knee socks, and his shirt is hidden by a thick leather jacket. He barely has any hair left, and one could assume he hasn't brushed his teeth in weeks, by the stench of his breath.”).

Organization

This essay d emonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, (“ I am lost, just lost. I am lost in so many ways. Now I could kick myself because if I hadn't gotten on this bus in the first place, this never would have happened. It's all my sister's fault. She forgot to pick me up from school, and I was forced to take the city bus because I missed the school bus. I hate buses. They're noisy, crowded and stuffy. And now, thanks to Vanessa, I am stuck here, for who knows how long. ”) and a strong conclusion. (“ I crooked my eye brows. Who would have known that a blind man could see better than I? I suppose there is a lesson here. I have learned that sometimes you have to look beyond what is in front of you. Sometimes, it's the only way home. ”) Transitional devices are used to good effect (“ To my dismay, I was out of change, so I couldn't very well call my sister, and I had forgotten my mother's number at work. I overheard a few people saying a blizzard was on it's way, which might explain why all the stores were closing. I just looked around for. . what? I don't know. Suddenly, when I looked up, I saw a familiar face. It wasn't the face I had expected to see. It wasn't a face I would have been glad to see, under any normal circumstances, anyway. But in this case, I was glad to see him. ”), and the essay flows well from beginning to end.

Language Use & Style

This essay is characterized by v ery effective language use and style. Precise, descriptive words enhance the reader’s appreciation of the narrative and show the writer’s sophistication (“ Great. Just great. I sit back and heave a sigh, wishing I had a phone, feeling so lonely and unsafe. An old man takes a seat next to me at the next stop. He wreaks of strong cologne. He winks at me. "Hello, there," he says cheerfully. "Hi," I mutter. ”). Mostly free of error, the author uses well-structured and varied sentences (“ I was taking a chance, true. I had been listening to all those lectures on street safety as a child, but I was desperate. It was cold, and I was hungry, and above all, I was lost. So, I told him. ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

A few minor errors can be detected from time to time, but on the whole, this author masters the mechanics and conventions of writing and commits few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“So, home had been right under my nose the whole time. I just stared at the street sign for a minute, and then I laughed, and so did the old man. When mom saw the old man that took me home, she looked surprised. Later that night I asked her why. "But. . he's blind," she had responded.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The September day was warm with a light breeze in the air. The sign on the front of the Greyhound bus flashed Denver , Colorado . I took my place in the last row and opened the window to let the wind touch my face. I hoped that my cousins were just as excited to see me as I was to see them.

Before the bus departed, a young man about my age asked if he could occupy the seat next to me. I nonchalantly looked around and saw only five other people on the bus with us. Although I gestured with my hand that the seat was his. He introduced himself as Tom and me as Kayla. Only two hours went by and the landscape changed from lush green tress and rolling hills to dry desert and flat, cracked, ground. The man beside me said very little because he had drifted off to sleep within the first hour of the trip.

All of a sudden, the bus driver stopped the bus on the highway and came over the intercom and said, "Attention all passengers, please gather your things and exit the bus. Thank you for riding with Greyhound."

I stood up and so did the man next to me since he woke up from hearing the intercom and looked as puzzled as I did. But we both gathered our things without saying a word and along with the others, exited the bus. The other passengers did not seem perturbed in any manner and began walking in what I imagined was the way we came. Tom stayed by my side not knowing what to do. The bus driver waved to us and drove off in the direction we had been headed. I thought to myself how absurd and pointless this whole situation was.

Tom squatted down on the ground and started shuffling through his duffle bag. He pulled out his cell phone and called an unknown number.

"Yes, can I please speak to Randy? ... Thanks... Hey Randy, I need a favor, could you pick me up somewhere? I appear to have been left in the desert between Springfield and Denver ... Uh huh... Thank you. And I also have a friend here who I think would appreciate a ride. ... Bye."

Tom looked at me and said, "My friend Randy lives two hours outside of Denver . He will be here in about a half hour." I was speechless. What I thought would be the most horrid experience of my life was actually turning out somewhat okay.

"Oh, okay, thank you," was my only response.

So for a half hour Tom and I sat on the cracked, dry, ground and talked until we heard the sound of a helicopter. Tom pointed up in the sky with a big smile on his face. I turned to see a helicopter landing about a quarter of a mile away. We quickly grabbed our things and hastened towards it. I myself had never ridden in a helicopter before and was quite excited. We reached the chopper and I was greeted by an older person. The three of us climbed in and flew off.

About an hour later Tom and his friend Randy dropped me off in a nearby cornfield that I associated with being near my cousins' home. I thanked them both immensely for getting me out of my very awkward situation. Watching as the two departed, I then started my way in the direction of my cousins' house. It took me only fifteen minutes of walking to find it. Before I could even ring the doorbell, the door flew open and I was greeted with open arms and a great story to tell.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a good narrative that conveys an interesting story to the intended audience. The author establishes and remains focused on a theme that appropriately responds to the prompt (“ The September day was warm with a light breeze in the air. The sign on the front of the Greyhound bus flashed Denver , Colorado . I took my place in the last row and opened the window to let the wind touch my face ”). Thus, the author completes most parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author uses a number of descriptive details to support the main idea of this narrative and help the reader visualize the story (“ Only two hours went by and the landscape changed from lush green tress and rolling hills to dry desert and flat, cracked, ground. The man beside me said very little because he had drifted off to sleep within the first hour of the trip ”).

Organization

This essay d emonstrates good structure with an engaging introduction (“ I took my place in the last row and opened the window to let the wind touch my face. I hoped that my cousins were just as excited to see me as I was to see them”) and a strong conclusion (“Before I could even ring the doorbell, the door flew open and I was greeted with open arms and a great story to tell”). Transitional devices are used to good effect (“Before the bus departed” and “All of a sudden”), and the essay flows well from beginning to end.

Language Use & Style

This essay is characterized by good language use and style. Precise, descriptive words enhance the reader’s appreciation of the narrative and show the writer’s sophistication (“To m squatted down on the ground and started shuffling through his duffle bag ” and “ I thanked them both immensely for getting me out of my very awkward situation ”). Although there are a few minor errors, the author uses well-structured and varied sentences (“ The bus driver waved to us and drove off in the direction we had been headed. I thought to myself how absurd and pointless this whole situation was”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever been lost in a place where there was not another living soul around, nothing growing, or anything for miles? If not, ride the "Amtrak" out west and get off at the ninth stop. I ended up somewhere in the desert, I believe I was in Arizona .

As I watched, the train drive off into the distance I knew I was going to have to walk a very long way. So I put one foot in front of the other and repeated the task several times. It was sweltering outside. After about a billion long and trecherous steps I started to get worn out. So I decided to use all of my energy I had left and started to run. I got very far until I collapsed from the heat. I thought to myself if I did not get up that I would soon become buzzard food.

Just then I looked ahead and I saw a faint picture of what I thought was a gas station. Trying not to think of the sweating, I started to run. The place seemed to be moving back. Was it only a mirage?

When I finally reached the gas station, after an hour of running, I was so tired I was thankful the place was open. All I wanted was a cool place and a cool drink, but the air conditioning was broken. I bought a cool sweet lemonade and a ham and cheese sandwich. The lemonade was good but the sandwich was dry, luckily the lemonade canceled out the sandwich. As I sat eating the dry sandwich and sipping the sweet lemonade the clerk asked how I got there. I told him I had walked from the last Amtrak stop. He knew how far away it was. As we talked, I told him that I needed to get back home to Illinois . Astonished, The old man said that the next train back that way was tomorrow at nine o clock in the morning. He said he could give me a ride back to the train station, that was two miles east, in his chevy. He said I could stay at the gas station because he had an old bunk bed.

In the morning I was awakend to loud country music on the man’s alarm clock. He said we had better get going or we would miss the train. He gave me a ride in his old pick up truck to the train station where I was off to home-sweet-home!

In conclusion no matter what there is always hope. Even if all you have is an old pair of walking shoes and an old pick-up truck.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this story, the author creates an adequate narrative about what it is like to get home from the middle of nowhere. The author establishes and remains adequately focused on an appropriate theme (“ Have you ever been lost in a place where there was not another living soul around, nothing growing, or anything for miles? If not, ride the "Amtrak" out west and get off at the ninth stop. I ended up somewhere in the desert, I believe I was in Arizona ”). This d emonstrates an adequate understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author supplies adequate details about the adventure to help the reader understand the author’s predicament and assorted challenges (“ Just then I looked ahead and I saw a faint picture of what I thought was a gas station. Trying not to think of the sweating, I started to run. The place seemed to be moving back. Was it only a mirage ”). A few humorous lines also serve to support the author’s story (“ So I put one foot in front of the other and repeated the task several times. It was sweltering outside. After about a billion long and trecherous steps I started to get worn out ”).

Organization

This response d emonstrates adequate structure. Through asking a question, the introduction sets the stage for the author’s narrative (“ Have you ever been lost in a place where there was not another living soul around, nothing growing, or anything for miles ”). The conclusion is simple, but suggests a final sentiment that could be more fully developed to enhance its impact and meaning (“ In conclusion no matter what there is always hope. Even if all you have is an old pair of walking shoes and an old pick-up truck. ”). The body paragraphs are adequately focused and flow chronologically.

Language Use & Style

This author’s style of language is generally appropriate to the task and audience, using adequate words and structured sentences with some variety (“ I bought a cool sweet lemonade and a ham and cheese sandwich. The lemonade was good but the sandwich was dry, luckily the lemonade canceled out the sandwich ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Several errors are present in this essay – notice for example some difficulties the author has with spelling (“ awakend ” and “ trecherous ”) – but they tend to be minor and do not generally detract from the communication of the author’s narrative.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I was visiting my ant in Hollywood on my summer vacshen. I had to go back to my mom and dad in Cocoa . I got on the plane and sat by a girl my age. Her name was Rebecca. "Wher are you going?" I asked. She looked at me. " Africa ," she replied. Then I relized I was on the rong plane. when they droped me off I rode a bus to the edge of town. I started to walk the rest of the way.

I called a taxie on a pay phone. The driver cam and picked me up, and droped me off in cocoa. I payed him close to a thoserd dollers. It was apart of Cocoa I never seen before. I started to walk to the closest pay phone, but it was dead. I walked some more. I saw anuther pay phone. It was dead. I had walked five miles and haven't had anything to eat in a week. I saw anuther pay phone. It worked.

I called my dad. He toled me to wate in the closest stor. The closest store was 711 I bout myself a water. It took my dad a day to get ther, but I was amased he came and got me. It took me a month to pay off the gas my dad got for his car, and I had to dotwice as much work around the house. I had to clean the bathrooms, feed the dogs, do the londry, make beds, seep and mop.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay partially communicates a complete message to the intended audience. While the author establishes and remains focused on an appropriate theme (“ I was visiting my ant in Hollywood on my summer vacshen. I had to go back to my mom and dad in Cocoa . I got on the plane and sat by a girl my age ”), this theme remains only partially developed; significant portions of the story, namely the experience in Africa , are missing. Thus, this task is only partially completed.

Content & Development

This author only partially develops the author’s narrative. The author humorously sets the stage for the adventure (“ Wher are you going?" I asked. She looked at me. " Africa ," she replied. Then I relized I was on the rong plane”), but fails to provide any details about the subsequent adventure in Africa . Some details are provided about the author’s trip home, but even these are brief and inconsistent (“ I called a taxie on a pay phone. The driver cam and picked me up, and droped me off in cocoa ”).

Organization

This essay shows signs of basic organization. The introduction, which sets the stage for the author’s narrative, is short and lacks descriptive details. The conclusion is similarly short (“ It took me a month to pay off the gas my dad got for his car, and I had to dotwice as much work around the house. I had to clean the bathrooms, feed the dogs, do the londry, make beds, seep and mop ”). There are few transitional devices present to help the reader flow from one idea to the next.

Language Use & Style

This author’s language style is best described as simple and prone to error. Many of the sentences, for example, are short and choppy (“ I started to walk to the closest pay phone, but it was dead. I walked some more. I saw anuther pay phone. It was dead ”). While the words the author uses to create this narrative are appropriate, given the audience, they also tend to be simple, lacking in variety and descriptive power, and misspelled (“ I called my dad. He toled me to wate in the closest stor. The closest store was 711 I bout myself a water ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Significant errors, particularly in spelling (“ vacshen ” and “ thoserd dollers ”) , impede this author’s ability to create an interesting and exciting narrative story.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you rode in a train or bus and had to get off? I did. i had to walk because nobody can take me home. I feel lonly. I can't call anybody because I don't have a phone. If I see a phone I will stop to call somebody. Woulden't you do that? I did.

I have to walk because nobody can take me home. Nobody can take me home because I don't know any body. Would you know anybody if oyu don't know where you are? I woulden't. Nobody knows me because I don't know them. Nobody is here any more. Do you know why?

I don't even have a phone. I don't have a phone because I don't have any money to buy it. if I don't have any money to buy it. If I don't have money I can't aford. Can you are aford a phone? I can't. I never seen a sheap phone in my life.

Have you?

I will stop if I see a phone. I want to call my mom. If she don't anser I will call my dad. Hopefully he will anser. If he dont anser I will call somebody else. Maby somebody else will anser. Mabe my aunt will anser.

Now you know how I will get home. Has anyting happened to you like that. Hope not.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

It is not clear if this author understands the requirements of this writing prompt. While the author appears to establish an appropriate theme (“ Have you rode in a train or bus and had to get off? I did. i had to walk because nobody can take me home ”), little is said about the author’s attempt to get home. Instead, the author’s focus shifts and discusses why no one will pick the author up and how the author would like to find a phone (“ Nobody can take me home because I don't know any body ” and “ I don't have a phone because I don't have any money to buy it ”). Thus, the author fails to adequately complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

Very few details are given to help the reader understand the author’s predicament. No information is given, for example, to explain where the author is or how the author plans to get home.

Organization

This response is broken into five distinct paragraphs, although these divisions do not contribute to a unified structure. The introduction fails to create an effective setting for the story, and because no story follows, there is little for the conclusion to do (“ Now you know how I will get home. Has anyting happened to you like that. Hope not. ”).

Language Use & Style

This author’s style of language is simple and repetitive. Notice, for example, how the author repeatedly uses the same words and phrases in the second, third, and fourth paragraphs (“ Nobody, ” “ I don't have a phone … money, ” and “ I will call”). Such a style of language fails to convey an interesting and descriptive story to the reader.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author’s lack of control of the conventions and mechanics of writing substantially impacts the quality of this narrative. Significant errors in grammar (“ I never seen a sheap phone in my life ”), mechanics, punctuation (“ Has anyting happened to you like that. Hope not ”), and especially spelling (“ aford ”) make understanding difficult.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If i was in the middle of nowhere and I dozed off i will first panick, then I will ask the bus driver '' can you please take me back to stop 55 on 55 and Damauise''? Or I will at least asked the bus driver do you know where I am or the directions back to the street I live on because I think I know my way home from here.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

It is likely that this author does not understand the purpose and audience of this writing prompt. The author responds to this prompt by stating how s/he would react to being left in the middle of nowhere (“ If i was in the middle of nowhere and I dozed off i will first panick ”) rather than by creating a descriptive and interesting story about such an adventure as assigned by the task. Thus, this author completes no part of the assigned task.

Content & Development

This author has not written a story in response to the writing prompt, and thus, there are no details supplied to support the author’s central theme.

Organization

In the single paragraph provided, no formal organizational scheme can be detected. Without a story to track, there is no sense of chronological progression in this response. Nor is there evidence of a meaningful introduction or conclusion linked by transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple and lacks descriptive power; it is largely inappropriate for the narrative task assigned.

Mechanics & Conventions

The two sentences that comprise this response are rife with errors in grammar (“ Or I will at least asked the bus driver do you know where I am ”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ panick ”) that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s limited message.

Happiest Time in Your Life

Think about the happiest time in your life. Describe one special experience and what it meant to you. Explain the setting and details of the experience. Tell your story in an interesting way to engage the reader. Remember to tell about the happiest time of your life, describe the events that took place during the experience, and organize your experience to include a beginning, middle, and end. Make sure the reader has enough details about your experience so he or she can picture it in his or her mind (sensory details: taste, touch, sound, smell, gestures).

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The butterflies built up slowly inside my stomach, making every second that I was waiting seem like an hour. I was so excited to dance in front of all the people, nervous that I would mess up and make a-o-my-gosh-she-is-a-complete-failure-why-did-she-even-do-this out of myself, and happy that I was finally able to show everyone my talent all at the same time. Trying to calm myself, I took deep breaths and went over the dance in my head. There was no way that I could forget it, with all the practice and commitment I had gone through. This day would always be remembered as the happiest time in my life.

Dancing was the only thing on my mind that week before our recital. Music filled my ears instead of the voices of my teachers, giving one of their verbose speeches. During class, I would be asked to recite an answer, but I would have no clue what I was supposed to do, for I heard the sweet, calming sound of the music. As I slept, the motions played through my head, reminding me what to do. No dreams entered my mind except for ones about my recital. I dreamed of performing, millions of on seers gazing open-mouthed as they watched with exasperation on their faces, wondering how I could dance so gracefully and be so talented. With those thoughts in my mind, I would wake only to find me as I was before I fell asleep, in my twin-sized bed. When I ate, I heard the audience, begging to see it again. My heart raced with the tempo, slowly at first, then gradually getting faster and faster until the song ended in silence. Soon, this day, the happiest day in my life, would arrive.

Waiting for this happy day to arrive was like waiting for a turtle with a broken leg to finish the mile race. I counted the days until I would perform. Each day, I would wake up to the same tedious routine. As soon as I woke, I turned on the music, turned up the volume, and danced. Half an hour or so later, I would take a shower and go to school. After school, I would practice even more, fixing every little mistake I made until it was flawless. I would try on my outfit, black, tight pants with a multicolored top. Then I would begin the tape and get lost in the music.

I waited backstage and the butterflies began. My mother had just left to go find a seat in the audience. She had barely noticed me with my hair done up in curls and my stage makeup on, rosy red cheeks, with dark eyeliner and mascara. My lips gleamed like the bright, glamorous, sun, shining down on everyone. As I impatiently waited, I remembered what my lovely mother had told me, “ If you try your best, then you will do your best. ” These words reassured me as the sound of the performances before me beat in my ears. A voice, hardly able to be heard, came on over the intercom calling the number of my dance. This was it, the time for my performance and the happiest day in my life.

Rushing onto the stage, I took my spot and waited for the music to begin. I danced like I had never danced before, and ended in a sweat to the sound of applause. As soon as the curtains dropped, I ran to my mother and gave her a hug. I was handed a bundle of roses that smelled like they were freshly picked in the spring, even though it was winter, and people began hugging me. “ You were great! ” they told me, as I came to a stop in front of my family. The smile on my face was huge and full of pride and happiness. This day was so happy, perhaps the happiest day in my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a v ery effective narrative. The author has developed a story that is tightly focused on helping the intended audience envision this experience. Demonstrating a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, this author completes all parts of the task and, indeed, even goes beyond the limits of the task.

Content & Development

Interestingly, this author has more to say about the days leading up to the dance than s/he has to say about the dance itself. A great amount of detail is provided to help the reader appreciate the nervousness the author experiences prior to the dance (“ Waiting for this happy day to arrive was like waiting for a turtle with a broken leg to finish the mile race ”).

Organization

This response is effectively organized. While the body paragraphs are tightly organized along logical and chronological lines, it is the introduction that stands out the most. From the very first sentence (“ The butterflies built up slowly inside my stomach, making every second that I was waiting seem like an hour ”), the author begins to build a tension that keeps the reader interested in the story until the end of the essay, when the author experiences a release (“ The smile on my face was huge and full of pride and happiness. This day was so happy, perhaps the happiest day in my life ”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language emerges as sophisticated and entertaining. The language used is both precise and descriptive (“ Music filled my ears instead of the voices of my teachers, giving one of their verbose speeches”). With a defined voice and clear sense of audience, the author writes in a way that keeps the reader engaged, and even rooting for the author by the end of the essay (“ I danced like I had never danced before, and ended in a sweat to the sound of applause. As soon as the curtains dropped, I ran to my mother and gave her a hug. I was handed a bundle of roses that smelled like they were freshly picked in the spring, even though it was winter, and people began hugging me”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay is virtually free of any noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. The author has clearly invested a significant amount of time into mastering the mechanics and conventions of writing.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Dad, How much further is it until we get there?"

"Not too long, just stop complaining, We'll stop every other switchback."

"Ok, I can make it." You are probably wondering what I am talking about. This was my first time I had ever hiked up to Nevada Falls , in Yosemite . I know it doesn't seem very exciting or happy, but for me it was. It was because it was a much longer hike than we normally went on. This was a seven mile hike and I was only eight years old. Once I got to the top I had so much fun, but the best part was when I finished all seven miles. It was the happiest feeling ever, I just can't explain it. Especially because my family was there and they saw me struggle, yet finish it.

I was in Yosemite like any other year but this year we were going to Nevada Falls in stead of Vernal Falls . Nevada is much further. I was bummed, yet excited. It was a long treacherous three and a half miles up and a long three and a half miles back. I made it through the whole thing though. We had to start where we always started, but then we had to go on to a different path. The rest of the way was switchbacks, Walking back and fourth on long paths, while going up in the hot sun. It seems like torture, but I love to hike and there was a mist.

On the way up my family and I had lots of fun. We took pictures and talked. The best part on the way up was to see all of the Nature and the weird shapes of the trees. It was shaded some of the way from the trees, but most of the way it was sunny. We hiked some more, and finally we made it to the top. Ya! "Ok let's eat lunch now, then we can go swimming."

“Ya, that's a good plan mom." If I didn't mention before there is a pool type lake at the top, where the waterfall comes from. We were up there and went swimming in the freezing, icy cold water. Yet, knowing that we worked for it, made it feel even better. Finally, our time was up. We had to start hiking back down three and a half miles. On the way down, it went a lot faster than the way up. We didn't have to stop as much because we were a little more refreshed. Toward the end it got really hot. Luckily, all of a sudden there was a little five foot stream. Oh, the cold water against my face felt so good. Then came the end of the hike, I ran down the last hill. Oh,The joy that rushed through me.

"Yes I got through it." Finally my wonderful hike came to an end. I was very proud of myself. I couldn't explain how happy I was when I finished. I was just so excited. Then that night we got ice cream for being so good on the hike. I couldn't believe that I finished a seven mile hike. This was a very great time in my life, experienced with my family. It was just the happiest time for me. I am just proud to say that when I was eight I finished a seven mile hike in the hot sun, but it felt so good once I finished.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a vivid and interesting story – the author not only develops and supports a story that is visually pleasing, but it is also emotionally important as well (“ This was my first time I had ever hiked up to Nevada Falls, in Yosemite. I know it doesn't seem very exciting or happy, but for me it was. It was because it was a much longer hike than we normally went on ” and “ Especially because my family was there and they saw me struggle, yet finish it ”). Hence, the author c ompletes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The central theme in this essay is sufficiently supported by the author with details that help the reader visualize the experience and appreciate its importance (“ The rest of the way was switchbacks, Walking back and fourth on long paths, while going up in the hot sun. It seems like torture, but I love to hike and there was a mist. On the way up my family and I had lots of fun. We took pictures and talked ” and “ If I didn't mention before there is a pool type lake at the top, where the waterfall comes from. We were up there and went swimming in the freezing, icy cold water. Yet, knowing that we worked for it, made it feel even better”).

Organization

The organization of this essay is clear and unified. Beginning with dialogue is an effective way to introduce the story and hold the reader’s attention. The rest of the essay is organized chronologically, and the conclusion wraps up the story with a positive note (“ It was just the happiest time for me. I am just proud to say that when I was eight I finished a seven mile hike in the hot sun, but it felt so good once I finished”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate to the task and audience, even if it is not particularly descriptive by itself (“ The best part on the way up was to see all of the Nature and the weird shapes of the trees. It was shaded some of the way from the trees, but most of the way it was sunny ”). Surely, more could be said about the natural splendor of Yosemite . In any case, the author chooses words well and structures sentences accurately while crafting them with some variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling have been committed in this essay. What errors are in evidence tend to be related to awkward and fragmented sentences (“ Nevada is much further ”) which, while noticeable, do not significantly detract from the presentation of the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The happiest time in my life was when my brother and I went to six flags with my uncle. It was a fun and exciting trip to experience, but it was also very hard work.

The day we left we had to wake up at 5:00 in the morning, which was not cool, take showers, brush our teeth, comb our hair and all that good stuff. We made sure we packed our bags the night before so we did not have to worry about that.

My uncle Steven arrived at 6:00 sharp ready to leave. When we walked outside it was a really nice morning. The air was warm and it smelled fresh and clean. We put our bags in the trunk of the car where we new they would be secure. When we got into the car my brother got up front because I wanted to lay down and go to sleep in the back seat. Which I did.

The car ride was fine until about 7:30, that is when the traffic started to get real badWe traveled about 75 miles without any trouble at all, but the last of the ride was different. It took forever! I though it would never end. Eventually it did.

In about three and a half hours we made it only to wait more. In line! Standing in line was terrible because it was so hot. It was almost 90 degrees when we were there. Finally after about a half an hour later we got in. We first rode the littlest roller coaster that we saw, the Whizzer. After that we rode most all the roller coasters like Batman, the Raging Bull, and many more. Later on it started to rain which cooled us off a bit.

At around 7:00 we went to a hotel that was across the busy street. We checked out a room that we did not stay in much. First we rented video games and played them until about 9:00. After video games we went to the pool. We swam until the pool closed at 10:00 then we went to the front desk to get quarters for the arcade. At the arcade we played need for speed until about 11:00 and then we went back to the room. We did not have any thing to do so we went to sleep.

The next day we had a very long ride home in which I sleptabout 70 miles! When we got home I had ten dollars left out of seventyfive, but I was happy!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates a complete narrative in some detail to the intended audience. The author successfully develops and sustains focus on an appropriate theme (“ The happiest time in my life was when my brother and I went to six flags with my uncle. It was a fun and exciting trip to experience, but it was also very hard work”). Showing a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt, the author completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author describes the trip to Six Flags with a sufficient amount of detail (“ The air was warm and it smelled fresh and clean” and “Standing in line was terrible because it was so hot. It was almost 90 degrees when we were there. Finally after about a half an hour later we got in”) for the reader to establish a clear picture of the day.

Organization

This essay is tightly organized along chronological lines, beginning in the morning (“ The day we left we had to wake up at 5:00 in the morning, which was not cool ”) and running through the evening (“ At the arcade we played need for speed until about 11:00 and then we went back to the room ”). The introduction and conclusion are both simple, although they do help focus the reader on the author’s central theme.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is appropriate given the purpose and audience of this prompt, but it strikes the reader as simple and lacking in descriptive power (“ We checked out a room that we did not stay in much. First we rented video games and played them until about 9:00. After video games we went to the pool. We swam until the pool closed at 10:00 then we went to the front desk to get quarters for the arcade ”). While generally correct in structure, these sentences are short and lack variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors, other than simple typographical mistakes, are evident in this essay. The author generally exercises a dequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The happiest time in my life was when my sister was born. I was about two years old,my mom was in her late twenties. I could not Waite till she came.

I was sleeping at my grandparent house bakes my mom had to go to the hospital to get Ash. Ash is short for Ashgner the "g" is silent, she s my little sister. I did not know when I could meet her so when I woke up I was vary antsy. I wanted to meet her so much I kept on bugging my grandma asking when I could see mommy and the baby, So the day after she was born I got to see her. I went to my moms hospital room and saw this crib thing and in it was a baby, Shortly after that I got to hold her and then she grabbed my nose, mom said she did not do it on purpose but ever since then she has bullied me. The nurse brung her over to me and when I haled her she punched me. the I asked if we could get a different one, every one laughed at me but I was not joking. So I stayed with my mom the rest of the day, I watched the nurses changed the babies diaper it was gross. I asked my mom were Ash came came from, I thought she was form mars.They laughed again, what was so funny? I stayed at my grandparents to sleep.

I ha d always wanted a little sister so I could help my mom and learn how to how to take care of my baby dolls like real babies. I was happy that I got a little sister and I got to see what it is like to be a mommy. I love my little sister she reminds me of a time of great happiness.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story partially communicates a complete narrative to the intended audience. The author establishes and retains focus on an appropriate theme (“ The happiest time in my life was when my sister was born ”), but fails to paint a full and vivid image for the reader, and thus only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author supplies some details to help the reader envision the author’s happiest experience. The reader is told, for instance, about the nervousness the author experienced while waiting to meet the new sister (“ I wanted to meet her so much I kept on bugging my grandma asking when I could see mommy and the baby ”) and some of the new baby’s antics (“ I got to hold her and then she grabbed my nose, mom said she did not do it on purpose but ever since then she has bullied me ”). Still, this information is brief and in consistent and could be enhanced.

Organization

This essay d emonstrates some evidence of a unified structure. The introduction and conclusion are both simple, although they do help focus the reader on the central theme. Few transitional devices are present.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple, although it is generally appropriate given the intended audience (“ So the day after she was born I got to see her. I went to my moms hospital room and saw this crib thing and in it was a baby ”). Still, some basic errors are present in the author’s choice of words and crafting of sentences (“ So I stayed with my mom the rest of the day, I watched the nurses changed the babies diaper it was gross ”). Some sense of the author’s voice is evident through the use of humor (“ the I asked if we could get a different one, every one laughed at me but I was not joking ”), which is a nice touch in the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

A number of errors in grammar (“ The nurse brung her over to me and when I haled her she punched me ”), mechanics, punctuation (“ my moms hospital room ”), and spelling illustrate the author’s lack of effective control of the mechanics and conventions of writing and ultimately interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The happiest time in my life was when my dad and I went to a Metallica concert. I was happy because Metallica is my favorite band and it was very loud so loud that I needed ear plugs and it was still loud. the band had practice before the show started which I watched. The practice lasted about half an hour or fourty-five minutes. When the show started I realized it was their load album because my dad has the cd. The concert was awesome and way cooler than the puny cd that costed about $14.44. Normally a cd takes an hour to listen to, but the concert was three or four hours long playing the same songs. I was Only seven years old and I got my ticket for christmas after it was chistmas. My dad bought the tickets in November and hid them until christmas where he gave me my wonderfulticket for the concert.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay fails to complete the assigned task. While the author s uggests and focuses on a relevant theme (“ The happiest time in my life was when my dad and I went to a Metallica concert ”), the author neglects to supply enough information about the experience to create a compelling and vivid story for the reader. Given the theme, a trip to a heavy metal rock concert, numerous opportunities exist – and are squandered – to improve the depth of this narrative.

Content & Development

The details used to describe the author’s concert experience paint an incomplete and inadequate picture of the experience. The reader is told that the music was loud and lasted for a long time, but that is about as far as the description goes.

Organization

The one paragraph that the author has written shows little evidence of a unified structure. Introductory and concluding comments can be discerned (“ The happiest time in my life was when my dad and I went to a Metallica concert ”), but the author has not written these into separate paragraphs. No transitional devices have been used to improve the flow of the essay.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is poor, especially in light of the kind of experience that is being illustrated – few descriptive words are used to portray the author’s experience at the rock concert, which surely must have been powerful for a seven-year-old. Indeed, some of the language used by the author is downright inappropriate for the audience (“ The concert was awesome and way cooler than the puny cd that costed about $14.44. ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of the c onventions and mechanics of writing is poor. Notable errors in grammar, mechanics (“ I was happy because Metallica is my favorite band and it was very loud so loud that I needed ear plugs and it was still loud ” and “ I was Only seven years old and I got my ticket for christmas after it was chistmas ”), punctuation, and spelling in such a short essay interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My happiest time was in a 4th of july. Because when we started the fireworkes one almost exploted on my face. It was fun because we got to go by fireworkes .And bythe way we celebrated it in mexico.It was much fun over there because we get to explot them in my uncles house.the best part is when they mack a danse called ''Danza'' it's grate infact it's the best.Did i forget to menchen that my grand pa ownes a store .Anmy aunt dose to but they are sepret store because my aunt lives in a little l

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author is unable to establish or focus on a coherent theme or communicate a meaningful story to the intended audience (“ My happiest time was in a 4th of july … Did i forget to menchen that my grand pa ownes a store “). This response fails to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

With no coherent controlling idea, any details supplied by the author appear to the reader to be disjointed and haphazard (“ cause when we started the fireworkes one almost exploted on my face. It was fun because we got to go by fireworkes .And bythe way we celebrated it in mexico ” and “ the best part is when they mack a danse called ''Danza'' it's grate infact it's the best ”).

Organization

In the paragraph supplied by the author, there is no sense of a logical flow of ideas or a unified structure. The author introduces random ideas with no ability to weave them into a unified whole.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is generally simple and, owing to the prevalence of spelling mistakes in the essay, emerges as unusually incoherent.

Mechanics & Conventions

Not a single sentence is this essay is free of an error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. This lack of control of the conventions and mechanics of writing makes the essay nearly unintelligible.

Having Fun with a Group

Think about a group to which you belong—your family, your friends, or a club, for example. Write a personal narrative about something you did together.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I have been part of many different groups during my life. My friends are one of my favorite groups to be with. Last December, a couple of weeks before Christmas, a family that lives in our neighborhood invited us to come snow-shoeing with them. We are really good friends with this family and do a lot together. The Smith's, our neighbors, have three girls just like my family. Jane is eleven, Jonna is eight and Joan, the youngest, is five years old. In my family, I am the oldest, my sister, Mary, is nine, and my other sister, Molly, is seven. Since all of the kids are so close in age, we get along really well. Their parents, John and Joyce Smith, are very active like my parents. In the morning, my mom and Joyce go running while my dad and John go running or biking.

About a week after Christmas, my family got all of our warm snow clothes on and piled into our gold Honda Pilot. We met up with the Smith family in front of their house and then drove for about half an hour up Little canyon. Our two families pulled into a snow-filled parking lot and our parents helped the six kids to fasten our snow shoes up. This was the first time any of my family had ever been snow-shoeing and we were all very excited. While the four parents pulled on their own snow shoes, the kids got used the odd feeling of the shoes. We climbed a big snow drift and took turns sliding or running down the slope. Once everyone had their snow shoes on and were ready to hike, we headed off up the snowy path.

The blinding white snow crunched beneath our feet as our two families padded across the snow. Evergreen trees lined the snowy path, their branches decorated with soft, glittering snow. Jane, Jonna, Joan, Mary, Molly, and I pulled ahead in front of our parents. As we went along, we became warmer and warmer, no longer needing our coats. All six of the kids were eager to explore the trail ahead, going about as fast as possible on snow shoes. We all tripped over our long feet many times, face-planting into the deep snow. After about an hour and a half, we found a nice spot in a clearing of trees to sit and eat our packed lunches. A log dusted with a light layer of snow sat in a corner of the small clearing. All of the kids piled onto the log, squishing together to fit all six. As we sat and ate our sandwiches and munched on crackers, we talked about all of the fun we had had so far, hiking up and down the snowy hills. Once we had all finished our lunches, we packed up and turned to leave the clearing. But Jane, Mary, and I ran into a problem. We had been sitting on the log for so long that we had become slightly frozen to the log. My dad, Mark, and John had to pull us up from the cold log.

After lunch, our two families continued on our journey until we reached a steep hill sloping downwards. The last time the Smith's had gone snow-shoeing, they found this same hill and took turns sitting down and sliding to the bottom. We couldn't wait to try it too. John went first to show everyone how to do it. He sat down onto the cold, chilly snow and pushed himself off. He sped down the steep hill, snow flying behind him. A few seconds later he reached the bottom. Everyone at the top of the hill cheered wildly. Each of us got a turn sliding down the hill and we decided that it was so much fun that we should do it again. So Mark, John, Jane, Mary, Jonna, Molly, and I slowly hiked as far as we could back up the hill while my mom, Missy, and Joyce stayed at the bottom with Joan to take pictures. The hill was so hard to climb back up that we only made it about halfway. The seven of us each took another turn speeding down the white hill.

After spending so much time on the hill, it was time to start heading back to our cars. On our way back, we saw lots of picnic tables, covered with about three feet of snow. You could hardly tell they were picnic tables. Of course, all of the kids had to climb on top of them and get their pictures taken so Mark and John safely helped us mount the tables. We took our time hiking back to the parking lot because nobody really wanted to go yet. But we didn't really have a choice. All of us were pretty tired and a little chilly. Once we reached the cars, each of us slid off our snow shoes and popped open new handwarmers to defrost our bright red fingers. All of the kids played around in the parking lot for a little while as our parents discussed plans. We ended up stopping at a 7-Eleven at the bottom of the canyon to buy Slurpies.

All of us had a great first time snow-shoeing. We can't wait for December this year so that we can have another opportunity to go again. Being part of different groups is really fun because you get to try so many new things. I love having so many great groups of friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively highlights his/her experience of snowshoeing in a group with family and neighbors.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the group adventure. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are being introduced to the members of the families in anticipation of the trip ahead. (“I have been part of many different groups during my life. My friends are one of my favorite groups to be with. Last December, a couple of weeks before Christmas, a family that lives in our neighborhood invited us to come snow-shoeing with them. We are really good friends with this family and do a lot together. The Smith's, our neighbors, have three girls just like my family. Jane is eleven, Jonna is eight and Joan, the youngest, is five years old. In my family, I am the oldest, my sister, Mary, is nine, and my other sister, Molly, is seven. Since all of the kids are so close in age, we get along really well. Their parents, John and Joyce Smith, are very active like my parents. In the morning, my mom and Joyce go running while my dad and John go running or biking.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the winter scenario, and relevant, effective details are provided to illustrate the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences of snowshoeing with a large group of people. (“About a week after Christmas, my family got all of our warm snow clothes on and piled into our gold Honda Pilot. We met up with the Smith family in front of their house and then drove for about half an hour up Little canyon. Our two families pulled into a snow-filled parking lot and our parents helped the six kids to fasten our snow shoes up. This was the first time any of my family had ever been snow-shoeing and we were all very excited. While the four parents pulled on their own snow shoes, the kids got used the odd feeling of the shoes. We climbed a big snow drift and took turns sliding or running down the slope. Once everyone had their snow shoes on and were ready to hike, we headed off up the snowy path.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“The blinding white snow crunched beneath our feet as our two families padded across the snow. Evergreen trees lined the snowy path, their branches decorated with soft, glittering snow. Jane, Jonna, Joan, Mary, Molly, and I pulled ahead in front of our parents. As we went along, we became warmer and warmer, no longer needing our coats. All six of the kids were eager to explore the trail ahead, going about as fast as possible on snow shoes.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a buildup to the journey with the excitement of reaching the sledding hill. The resolution to the story effectively shows the group’s reluctance to end their time together.

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the winter outing throughout the narrative. (“After about an hour and a half, we found a nice spot in a clearing of trees to sit and eat our packed lunches. A log dusted with a light layer of snow sat in a corner of the small clearing. All of the kids piled onto the log, squishing together to fit all six. As we sat and ate our sandwiches and munched on crackers, we talked about all of the fun we had had so far, hiking up and down the snowy hills. Once we had all finished our lunches, we packed up and turned to leave the clearing. But Jane, Mary, and I ran into a problem. We had been sitting on the log for so long that we had become slightly frozen to the log. My dad, Mark, and John had to pull us up from the cold log.”)

The plot events and characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant. For example, the writer includes descriptions of the slide down the hill and the jubilant feelings of the participants. (“After lunch, our two families continued on our journey until we reached a steep hill sloping downwards. The last time the Smith's had gone snow-shoeing, they found this same hill and took turns sitting down and sliding to the bottom. We couldn't wait to try it too. John went first to show everyone how to do it. He sat down onto the cold, chilly snow and pushed himself off. He sped down the steep hill, snow flying behind him. A few seconds later he reached the bottom. Everyone at the top of the hill cheered wildly. Each of us got a turn sliding down the hill and we decided that it was so much fun that we should do it again. So Mark, John, Jane, Mary, Jonna, Molly, and I slowly hiked as far as we could back up the hill while my mom, Missy, and Joyce stayed at the bottom with Joan to take pictures. The hill was so hard to climb back up that we only made it about halfway. The seven of us each took another turn speeding down the white hill.”)

The outcome/resolution is very effectively described as the families pose for the required photo that will preserve the memory of this day. The readers can imagine that though the characters are cold, they are content with having spent time together outdoors. (“After spending so much time on the hill, it was time to start heading back to our cars. On our way back, we saw lots of picnic tables, covered with about three feet of snow. You could hardly tell they were picnic tables. Of course, all of the kids had to climb on top of them and get their pictures taken so Mark and John safely helped us mount the tables. We took our time hiking back to the parking lot because nobody really wanted to go yet. But we didn't really have a choice. All of us were pretty tired and a little chilly. Once we reached the cars, each of us slid off our snow shoes and popped open new handwarmers to defrost our bright red fingers. All of the kids played around in the parking lot for a little while as our parents discussed plans. We ended up stopping at a 7-Eleven at the bottom of the canyon to buy Slurpies.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the reader’s attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of his/her neighbors and the similarities between their two families. (“I have been part of many different groups during my life. My friends are one of my favorite groups to be with. Last December, a couple of weeks before Christmas, a family that lives in our neighborhood invited us to come snow-shoeing with them. We are really good friends with this family and do a lot together. The Smith's, our neighbors, have three girls just like my family. Jane is eleven, Jonna is eight and Joan, the youngest, is five years old. In my family, I am the oldest, my sister, Mary, is nine, and my other sister, Molly, is seven. Since all of the kids are so close in age, we get along really well. Their parents, John and Joyce Smith, are very active like my parents. In the morning, my mom and Joyce go running while my dad and John go running or biking.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“After lunch, our two families continued on our journey until we reached a steep hill sloping downwards. The last time the Smith's had gone snow-shoeing, they found this same hill and took turns sitting down and sliding to the bottom. We couldn't wait to try it too. John went first to show everyone how to do it. He sat down onto the cold, chilly snow and pushed himself off. He sped down the steep hill, snow flying behind him. A few seconds later he reached the bottom. Everyone at the top of the hill cheered wildly.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected very effectively by emphasizing the writer’s feeling about the experience and his/her desire to do it again. (“All of us had a great first time snow-shoeing. We can't wait for December this year so that we can have another opportunity to go again. Being part of different groups is really fun because you get to try so many new things. I love having so many great groups of friends.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ About a week after Christmas, my family got all of our warm snow clothes on and piled into our gold Honda Pilot. We met up with the Smith family in front of their house and then drove for about half an hour up Little canyon. Our two families pulled into a snow-filled parking lot and our parents helped the six kids to fasten our snow shoes up. This was the first time any of my family had ever been snow-shoeing and we were all very excited. While the four parents pulled on their own snow shoes, the kids got used the odd feeling of the shoes. We climbed a big snow drift and took turns sliding or running down the slope. Once everyone had their snow shoes on and were ready to hike, we headed off up the snowy path.”)

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experience of hiking on snowshoes for the first time. (“ All six of the kids were eager to explore the trail ahead, going about as fast as possible on snow shoes. We all tripped over our long feet many times, face-planting into the deep snow. After about an hour and a half, we found a nice spot in a clearing of trees to sit and eat our packed lunches. A log dusted with a light layer of snow sat in a corner of the small clearing. All of the kids piled onto the log, squishing together to fit all six. As we sat and ate our sandwiches and munched on crackers, we talked about all of the fun we had had so far, hiking up and down the snowy hills. ” )

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s exhaustion that comes from a day of playing in the snow. (“ After spending so much time on the hill, it was time to start heading back to our cars. On our way back, we saw lots of picnic tables, covered with about three feet of snow. You could hardly tell they were picnic tables. Of course, all of the kids had to climb on top of them and get their pictures taken so Mark and John safely helped us mount the tables. We took our time hiking back to the parking lot because nobody really wanted to go yet. But we didn't really have a choice. All of us were pretty tired and a little chilly. Once we reached the cars, each of us slid off our snow shoes and popped open new handwarmers to defrost our bright red fingers. All of the kids played around in the parking lot for a little while as our parents discussed plans. We ended up stopping at a 7-Eleven at the bottom of the canyon to buy Slurpies.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Last December, a couple of weeks before Christmas, a family that lives in our neighborhood invited us to come snow-shoeing with them. We are really good friends with this family and do a lot together. The Smith's, our neighbors, have three girls just like my family. Jane is eleven, Jonna is eight and Joan, the youngest, is five years old. In my family, I am the oldest, my sister, Mary, is nine, and my other sister, Molly, is seven. Since all of the kids are so close in age, we get along really well.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I belong to Smithtown Community Theatre. I am an "Original Member" as I like to call myself. It's someone that has been acting with them since 2008 (which I have). I love this organization because it really makes me feel like I belong. So far, I have done nine plays and productions with them. The Wizard of OZ, Peter Pan, The Aristocats, Joseph and the Amazing Colored Dreamcoat, Annie, Aladdin, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, Joseph and the Amazing Colored Dreamcoat (again), and Oliver. So far, when I did Joseph for a second time, has been my favorite play, my favorite to see and perform in.

Originally, I wasn't even supposed to be in Joseph. Jonesville Academy, a charter school in Jonesville, was doing it for their school play. The play required over one hundred kids and only twenty kids signed up to do it. Smithtown Community Theater's Director and President, John Doe, is the theatre teacher at Jonesville Academy. So, to fill the space for her much desired school play, she sent out an email to all the "Original Members" between the ages of seven and fourteen explaining the auditions for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. My dad had just remembered to tell me about it two days before the audition; but no fear, the show (or audition, I guess) must go on!

After auditions and call backs, I was cast as "Jacob's daughter." The nine main brothers of the plays each had wives; the only difference between a daughter and a wife was that the wives were shorter. Since all the brothers were short, they had to cast short wives with them. So naturally, the people I became closest to were the daughters, wives, and brothers. Every scene the daughters and the wives were cast in, the brothers were in too.

These people were some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I spent countless hours, days, weeks, and nights with them. There was no way that we wouldn't become close! This is probably the main reason I loved Joseph so much: the cast and crew. They were there for all the forgotten lines, uncoordinated dance moves, inside jokes, ups, and downs- basically the whole sweat, blood, and tears of the play.

Watching opening night come together was one of the most magical things I've ever seen. Through the audiences' eyes, they saw a play put on by kids that really turned out to be something outstanding. Oh, but through our eyes we saw all the hard work, long nights of practice, cramps, pulled muscles, forgotten lines, twelve hour rehearsals, laughs, jokes, mistakes, dances, lyrics, and growing friendships. Most of all, we saw our family up their working their butts off on something we were beyond proud to call ours. Yes, I said family; they are our Theatre Family.

Throughout this whole wonderful experience, we grew a bond that will not only last a month after closing night, but forever. No, we might not see each other everyday for two hours a day; in fact, we hardly see each other at all now, but that bond is still there and strong as ever. When I'm with them, I feel like I belong. We are knit together in a friendship so tight that only something as bonding and magical as our production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat could produce. They are my Theatre Family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on his/her experiences in a community theater group. (“I belong to Smithtown Community Theatre. I am an ‘Original Member’ as I like to call myself. It's someone that has been acting with them since 2008 (which I have). I love this organization because it really makes me feel like I belong. So far, I have done nine plays and productions with them. The Wizard of OZ, Peter Pan, The Aristocats, Joseph and the Amazing Colored Dreamcoat, Annie, Aladdin, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, Joseph and the Amazing Colored Dreamcoat (again), and Oliver. So far, when I did Joseph for a second time, has been my favorite play, my favorite to see and perform in.”)

The parts of the narrative focus on the main event, which is the play Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat . (“Originally, I wasn't even supposed to be in Joseph. Jonesville Academy, a charter school in Jonesville, was doing it for their school play. The play required over one hundred kids and only twenty kids signed up to do it. Smithtown Community Theater's Director and President, Jane Doe, is the theatre teacher at Jonesville Academy. So, to fill the space for her much desired school play, she sent out an email to all the ‘Original Members’ between the ages of seven and fourteen explaining the auditions for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. My dad had just remembered to tell me about it two days before the audition; but no fear, the show (or audition, I guess) must go on!”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed well. The writer consistently reveals his/her experiences as a cast member in the play. (“After auditions and call backs, I was cast as ‘Jacob's daughter.’ The nine main brothers of the plays each had wives; the only difference between a daughter and a wife was that the wives were shorter. Since all the brothers were short, they had to cast short wives with them. So naturally, the people I became closest to were the daughters, wives, and brothers. Every scene the daughters and the wives were cast in, the brothers were in too.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The writer effectively unfolds the plot by explaining the circumstances around the auditions. (“ Originally, I wasn't even supposed to be in Joseph. Jonesville Academy, a charter school in Jonesville, was doing it for their school play. The play required over one hundred kids and only twenty kids signed up to do it. Smithtown Community Theater's Director and President, Jane Doe, is the theatre teacher at Jonesville Academy. So, to fill the space for her much desired school play, she sent out an email to all the ‘Original Members’ between the ages of seven and fourteen explaining the auditions for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. My dad had just remembered to tell me about it two days before the audition; but no fear, the show (or audition, I guess) must go on!”)

The actions of the characters are developed in effective detail. (“These people were some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I spent countless hours, days, weeks, and nights with them. There was no way that we wouldn't become close! This is probably the main reason I loved Joseph so much: the cast and crew. They were there for all the forgotten lines, uncoordinated dance moves, inside jokes, ups, and downs- basically the whole sweat, blood, and tears of the play.”)

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer provides a detailed view of the “behind-the-scenes” effort that goes into play production. (“Watching opening night come together was one of the most magical things I've ever seen. Through the audiences' eyes, they saw a play put on by kids that really turned out to be something outstanding. Oh, but through our eyes we saw all the hard work, long nights of practice, cramps, pulled muscles, forgotten lines, twelve hour rehearsals, laughs, jokes, mistakes, dances, lyrics, and growing friendships. Most of all, we saw our family up their working their butts off on something we were beyond proud to call ours. Yes, I said family; they are our Theatre Family.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer highlights his/her love of theater by listing shows in which he/she has performed. (“ I belong to Smithtown Community Theatre. I am an ‘Original Member’ as I like to call myself. It's someone that has been acting with them since 2008 (which I have). I love this organization because it really makes me feel like I belong. So far, I have done nine plays and productions with them. The Wizard of OZ, Peter Pan, The Aristocats, Joseph and the Amazing Colored Dreamcoat, Annie, Aladdin, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, Joseph and the Amazing Colored Dreamcoat (again), and Oliver. So far, when I did Joseph for a second time, has been my favorite play, my favorite to see and perform in.”)

Transitions between and within paragraphs are used to effectively connect events in the story. (“ After auditions and call backs, I was cast as ‘Jacob's daughter.’ The nine main brothers of the plays each had wives; the only difference between a daughter and a wife was that the wives were shorter. Since all the brothers were short, they had to cast short wives with them. So naturally, the people I became closest to were the daughters, wives, and brothers. Every scene the daughters and the wives were cast in, the brothers were in too.”)

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and the writer’s feelings about belonging to the theater group. (“ Throughout this whole wonderful experience, we grew a bond that will not only last a month after closing night, but forever. No, we might not see each other everyday for two hours a day; in fact, we hardly see each other at all now, but that bond is still there and strong as ever. When I'm with them, I feel like I belong. We are knit together in a friendship so tight that only something as bonding and magical as our production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat could produce. They are my Theatre Family.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ So, to fill the space for her much desired school play, she sent out an email to all the ‘Original Members’ between the ages of seven and fourteen explaining the auditions for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. My dad had just remembered to tell me about it two days before the audition; but no fear, the show (or audition, I guess) must go on!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ These people were some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I spent countless hours, days, weeks, and nights with them. There was no way that we wouldn't become close! This is probably the main reason I loved Joseph so much: the cast and crew. They were there for all the forgotten lines, uncoordinated dance moves, inside jokes, ups, and downs- basically the whole sweat, blood, and tears of the play.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the work involved in the production. (“ Watching opening night come together was one of the most magical things I've ever seen. Through the audiences' eyes, they saw a play put on by kids that really turned out to be something outstanding. Oh, but through our eyes we saw all the hard work, long nights of practice, cramps, pulled muscles, forgotten lines, twelve hour rehearsals, laughs, jokes, mistakes, dances, lyrics, and growing friendships.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Academic Challenge Team

I belong to a group called "Academic Challenge Team." In that group we practice to be in competitions where we answer many different questions. Well, one cold and chilly Thursday we went to compete against a school called "East Smith Middle." Almost everyone that was on the team went including me. East Smith Middle is located in Smithville (a City in Jonesfield).

I joined or participated in that particular group because I thought it would be fun which it was. Although, on that bus I was scared I thought things like maybe I wasn't smart enough and the other kids might be smarter. This group I was in you see was based on education and knowledge which I knew I had. So why was I scared?

When, we arrived I saw a beautiful school, that had light refreshments in the cafeteria at first I was scared to eat them because I thought they'd try to poison us and we'd lose our knowledge. Later, I got hungry so I ate. The snacks were good, I loved them especially those Nacho Cheese Doritos! After, finishing our refreshments Mr. Doe (our coach) came around and told us what round we'd be in. My best friend Jane was in round 1 I felt bad for her. She looked so confused I didn't want to end up like that. To my surprise I was in round 2! That was only the next round!

In round 2 I played along with three others. It wasn't so bad it was actually fun. I answered a few correct answers and some wrong but who cares I played! Then round 3 I didn't play but, that round went by fast to me. They were hitting those buzzers and answering swiftly. Round 3 seemed to be a breeze!!! Then came round 4 the ultimate round! Some questions were right and some were wrong. We were in this to win this. Our team just kept answering questions right and wrong. At the end we had lost the game 15 to 3. Oh, well I had fun and there’s always next time. I couldn't believe I was scared! The ride back seemed to take forever but we got there. When, we did I was happy I went on that trip and I don't regret a thing!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. The narrative reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the controlling idea of the narrative adequately. The essay focuses on a specific competition that the writer experienced with a group from school. (“I belong to a group called ‘Academic Challenge Team.’ In that group we practice to be in competitions where we answer many different questions.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“I joined or participated in that particular group because I thought it would be fun which it was. Although, on that bus I was scared I thought things like maybe I wasn't smart enough and the other kids might be smarter. This group I was in you see was based on education and knowledge which I knew I had. So why was I scared?”)

The writer focuses on the main event of the Academic Challenge competition throughout the narrative. (“After, finishing our refreshments Mr. Doe (our coach) came around and told us what round we'd be in. My best friend Jane was in round 1 I felt bad for her. She looked so confused I didn't want to end up like that. To my surprise I was in round 2! That was only the next round!”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The series of rounds in the competition creates suspense for what will happen in the story.

The writer adequately describes the setting and sequence of events. (“When, we arrived I saw a beautiful school, that had light refreshments in the cafeteria at first I was scared to eat them because I thought they'd try to poison us and we'd lose our knowledge. Later, I got hungry so I ate. The snacks were good,”)

Although the writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event, dialogue would be an effective means to share characters’ thoughts and feelings. (“In round 2 I played along with three others. It wasn't so bad it was actually fun. I answered a few correct answers and some wrong but who cares I played! Then round 3 I didn't play but, that round went by fast to me.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the team is competing to answer the most questions correctly. (“They were hitting those buzzers and answering swiftly. Round 3 seemed to be a breeze!!! Then came round 4 the ultimate round! Some questions were right and some were wrong. We were in this to win this. Our team just kept answering questions right and wrong.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by setting the scene. The image of cold weather acts as an analogy for the writer’s fear of failure in the competition. (“ I belong to a group called ‘Academic Challenge Team.’ In that group we practice to be in competitions where we answer many different questions. Well, one cold and chilly Thursday we went to compete against a school called ‘East Smith Middle.’ Almost everyone that was on the team went including me. East Smith Middle is located in Smithville (a City in Jonesfield).”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the narrative. Consequently, the writer assists the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“When, we arrived I saw a beautiful school, that had light refreshments in the cafeteria at first I was scared to eat them because I thought they'd try to poison us and we'd lose our knowledge. Later, I got hungry so I ate. The snacks were good, I loved them especially those Nacho Cheese Doritos! After, finishing our refreshments Mr. Doe (our coach) came around and told us what round we'd be in. My best friend Jane was in round 1 I felt bad for her. She looked so confused I didn't want to end up like that. To my surprise I was in round 2! That was only the next round!”)

The ending includes details about the resolution of the Academic Challenge and the writer’s feelings about the experience. (“ At the end we had lost the game 15 to 3. Oh, well I had fun and there’s always next time. I couldn't believe I was scared! The ride back seemed to take forever but we got there. When, we did I was happy I went on that trip and I don't regret a thing!”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I joined or participated in that particular group because I thought it would be fun which it was. Although, on that bus I was scared I thought things like maybe I wasn't smart enough and the other kids might be smarter. This group I was in you see was based on education and knowledge which I knew I had. So why was I scared?”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes the hosting school and preparations to welcome the visiting teams. (“ When, we arrived I saw a beautiful school, that had light refreshments in the cafeteria at first I was scared to eat them because I thought they'd try to poison us and we'd lose our knowledge. Later, I got hungry so I ate. The snacks were good, I loved them especially those Nacho Cheese Doritos!”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ They were hitting those buzzers and answering swiftly. Round 3 seemed to be a breeze!!! Then came round 4 the ultimate round! Some questions were right and some were wrong. We were in this to win this. Our team just kept answering questions right and wrong. At the end we had lost the game 15 to 3. Oh, well I had fun and there’s always next time. I couldn't believe I was scared! The ride back seemed to take forever but we got there. When, we did I was happy I went on that trip and I don't regret a thing!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Everyone belongs to a group, some to friends and family others to sports teams or ant team. I belong to a group, my family. We have fun together all of the time. My family and I take family trips each vacation we to go Maine. We visit my aunt and uncle. One time we visited them and we stayed for a whole week. Usually we'd stay for just the weekend. It was over summer on a very sunny and hot day, a bad day for many hours on the road. Any ways I was still very excited for this trip.

My family and I stayed in a big hotel for three out of the five days we were there. I set my things up in the corner. In the day we would do things like visit gift shops and go swimming. One beach we went to was huge. My dad told me to look for a shark tooth. Then I turned around and found one in the sand. The water there was as cold as ice. Every night we would visit the glistening, deep pool. After the pool we would go to bed in the big, comfortable beds that seemed to fit three people. In the morning we went to a fun, gigantic amusement park. We rode all of the rides there. My least favorite was the water ride. It seemed that it went on for ever. At the end of the day I was extremely tired. Soon our time at the hotel ended.

Our next part of our trip was at my aunt and uncle's house. The first day we were there we left to see light houses. My favorite was the very small one. One of the biggest one we saw was the Smithland Headlight. You could go in it, but not the light house stairs part. This light house had a gift shop in it. It was so tall it touched the sky. The last day, we stayed at the house and played games. That day was the only relaxing one we had. That trip was the best one I had ever had.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the narrative in a very limited way. (“Everyone belongs to a group, some to friends and family others to sports teams or ant team. I belong to a group, my family. We have fun together all of the time. My family and I take family trips each vacation we to go Maine. We visit my aunt and uncle. One time we visited them and we stayed for a whole week.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer provides limited details about the emotional experience of sharing fun moments with family. He/she spends more time listing the sequence of events. (“My family and I stayed in a big hotel for three out of the five days we were there. I set my things up in the corner. In the day we would do things like visit gift shops and go swimming. One beach we went to was huge. My dad told me to look for a shark tooth. Then I turned around and found one in the sand. The water there was as cold as ice. Every night we would visit the glistening, deep pool.”)

The writer provides limited examples of the family members in the group and how they communicate in their relationships with one another. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the events unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“After the pool we would go to bed in the big, comfortable beds that seemed to fit three people. In the morning we went to a fun, gigantic amusement park. We rode all of the rides there. My least favorite was the water ride. It seemed that it went on for ever. At the end of the day I was extremely tired. Soon our time at the hotel ended.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of the writer’s vacation itinerary. The writer discusses the places the family visited on vacation but does not include a problem in the story. The writer fails to implement dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces his/her family into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“My family and I stayed in a big hotel for three out of the five days we were there. I set my things up in the corner. In the day we would do things like visit gift shops and go swimming. One beach we went to was huge. My dad told me to look for a shark tooth. Then I turned around and found one in the sand.”)

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“Our next part of our trip was at my aunt and uncle's house. The first day we were there we left to see light houses. My favorite was the very small one. One of the biggest one we saw was the Smithland Headlight. You could go in it, but not the light house stairs part.”)

The writer does not implement dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can help the readers understand interpersonal relationships of members in the family group. (“This light house had a gift shop in it. It was so tall it touched the sky. The last day, we stayed at the house and played games. That day was the only relaxing one we had. That trip was the best one I had ever had.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but they may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention by introducing the idea of groups. The writer creates an initial impression of a family who enjoys vacationing with relatives. (“ Everyone belongs to a group, some to friends and family others to sports teams or ant team. I belong to a group, my family. We have fun together all of the time. My family and I take family trips each vacation we to go Maine. We visit my aunt and uncle. One time we visited them and we stayed for a whole week. Usually we'd stay for just the weekend. It was over summer on a very sunny and hot day, a bad day for many hours on the road. Any ways I was still very excited for this trip.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ Our next part of our trip was at my aunt and uncle's house. The first day we were there we left to see light houses. My favorite was the very small one.”)

The ending is abrupt and does not adequately give the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer implies that the vacation was hectic and exciting until the last day. (“ The last day, we stayed at the house and played games. That day was the only relaxing one we had. That trip was the best one I had ever had.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The narrative reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are short and choppy. The writer should use a variety of sentence structures to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ I belong to a group, my family. We have fun together all of the time. My family and I take family trips each vacation we to go Maine. We visit my aunt and uncle. One time we visited them and we stayed for a whole week. Usually we'd stay for just the weekend.”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ My family and I stayed in a big hotel for three out of the five days we were there. I set my things up in the corner. In the day we would do things like visit gift shops and go swimming. One beach we went to was huge. My dad told me to look for a shark tooth. Then I turned around and found one in the sand.”)

The writer makes some attempt to use descriptive words, but he/she needs to include more descriptive language throughout the narrative. For example, the writer describes the size of the amusement park but does not present a clear picture of the individual rides or their entertainment value. (“ In the morning we went to a fun, gigantic amusement park. We rode all of the rides there. My least favorite was the water ride. It seemed that it went on for ever. At the end of the day I was extremely tired. Soon our time at the hotel ended.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. He/she should also indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Everyone belongs to a group, some to friends and family others to sports teams or ant team. I belong to a group, my family. We have fun together all of the time. My family and I take family trips each vacation we to go Maine.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

Mrs.Smith’s Dance Studio

Have you ever been in a group wether it was dance, a project, fundrasier, are for community services? Was it fun? Well, the group I was in was the best group ever. The group was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio were I and a couple of other girls dance. I got to meet knew people and we started the first dance routine. And then we'd have a talent show at the end of the year.

First, the group that I was in was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio , were I and a couple of other girls took hiphop. The first day I started dance I was scared because I never did anything like this and it was my first time. I wanted to do this because I knew it wopuld be alearniong experience and I just wanted to try something new. The inside was kind of big but wasn't all that dacne studio typebecause it didn't really have alot of rooms.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative response. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“Have you ever been in a group wether it was dance, a project, fundrasier, are for community services? Was it fun? Well, the group I was in was the best group ever. The group was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio were I and a couple of other girls dance.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of dancers having fun together. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I got to meet knew people and we started the first dance routine. And then we'd have a talent show at the end of the year.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“First, the group that I was in was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio , were I and a couple of other girls took hiphop. The first day I started dance I was scared because I never did anything like this and it was my first time.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. No dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed; the writer briefly addresses the experiences in the dance class, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“First, the group that I was in was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio , were I and a couple of other girls took hiphop.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not developed. (“The first day I started dance I was scared because I never did anything like this and it was my first time. I wanted to do this because I knew it wopuld be alearniong experience and I just wanted to try something new.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are minimal descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“The inside was kind of big but wasn't all that dacne studio typebecause it didn't really have alot of rooms.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the narrative demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

Although the story attempts to grab the readers’ attention with a question in the beginning, the writer fails to generate excitement about the group to which he/she belongs. (“ Have you ever been in a group wether it was dance, a project, fundrasier, are for community services? Was it fun? Well, the group I was in was the best group ever.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ First, the group that I was in was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio , were I and a couple of other girls took hiphop. The first day I started dance I was scared because I never did anything like this and it was my first time.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with much to think about once the story is over. (“ I wanted to do this because I knew it wopuld be alearniong experience and I just wanted to try something new. The inside was kind of big but wasn't all that dacne studio typebecause it didn't really have alot of rooms.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ The group was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio were I and a couple of other girls dance. I got to meet knew people and we started the first dance routine. And then we'd have a talent show at the end of the year.”)

More descriptive language and w ord choices would better communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ The first day I started dance I was scared because I never did anything like this and it was my first time. I wanted to do this because I knew it wopuld be alearniong experience and I just wanted to try something new.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. The writer needs to use a variety of sentence structures to effectively engage the audience. (“ The group was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio were I and a couple of other girls dance… First, the group that I was in was at Mrs. Smith’s Dance Studio , were I and a couple of other girls took hiphop.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“I wanted to do this because I knew it wopuld be alearniong experience and I just wanted to try something new. The inside was kind of big but wasn't all that dacne studio typebecause it didn't really have alot of rooms.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Friends, In 4th grade we all went to 4H champ. We did alot of fun stuff. We played on like monkey bars and other fun equitment. We played on water slides and went swimming had alot fun then after that . We went to bed I sleep under the bunk were my friend was. The next day we got up and went outside and wated for the 4H teacher to get up. We had to stick our faces in chocolate

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated explicitly, although the writer does focus a few details to elaborate on the main theme of having fun with a group. (“ Friends, In 4th grade we all went to 4H champ. We did alot of fun stuff.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“We played on like monkey bars and other fun equitment. We played on water slides and went swimming had alot fun then after that .”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“We went to bed I sleep under the bunk were my friend was. The next day we got up and went outside and wated for the 4H teacher to get up.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed; providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ We played on like monkey bars and other fun equitment. We played on water slides and went swimming had alot fun then after that .”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“We went to bed I sleep under the bunk were my friend was. The next day we got up and went outside and wated for the 4H teacher to get up.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“We had to stick our faces in chocolate”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, an experience at camp with friends. (“ Friends, In 4th grade we all went to 4H champ. We did alot of fun stuff.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ We played on water slides and went swimming had alot fun then after that . We went to bed I sleep under the bunk were my friend was.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ We had to stick our faces in chocolate”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ Friends, In 4th grade we all went to 4H champ.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ We did alot of fun stuff. We played on like monkey bars and other fun equitment.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative response. (“The next day we got up and went outside and wated for the 4H teacher to get up. We had to stick our faces in chocolate”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Friends, In 4th grade we all went to 4H champ. We did alot of fun stuff. We played on like monkey bars and other fun equitment. We played on water slides and went swimming had alot fun then after that . We went to bed I sleep under the bunk were my friend was. The next day we got up and went outside and wated for the 4H teacher to get up. We had to stick our faces in chocolate”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Home Alone

Imagine you were left at home alone for a weekend. Write a story about what happens next.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A large black car roughly bounced out of my grasp. As the sun slowly peaks its shiny rays over the roof of my garage, I convince my eyes to open after a long night's rest. My stomach growling at me, I shuffled out of my bed, and jogged downstairs to find to my surprise, an empty house. It was like all my hopes and nightmares were all released at once. My first thoughts were of great excitement, finally being able to go days without taking a shower. However, they gave way to thoughts of longing and loneliness, brought on by stinging tears. But that didn’t last long.

I immediately rushed over to the garage as my first thoughts were of the glamorous cars that awaited me; shining chrome, red, yellow, and racing stripes. The cars were all gone. I still had many options; my mind raced with possibilities. Still running on adrenaline, my legs led me to the phone to call a friend. My long, thin fingers slipped over the sleek phone, expecting the cold, black receiver that waited. I recited my friend’s phone number, and my fingers dialed, as if being guided by giant marionette strings. No ring, no answer. Anticipating a normal glitch, I dialed another number. A prerecorded voice announced with great regret that the number no longer existed. Another number, and still the same answer, and another until I had the recording memorized. The voice seemed cold and as if it had something to hide.

Expecting the worst, I hustled outside and knocked on all of my neighbor’s doors, and none answered. It finally hit me. I was alone.

The phrase sounded unreal to me, so I repeated it to myself. “I am alone”. Once again, a little louder “I am alone!” Last time, screaming “I AM ALONE!” I quickly realized that I half expected an answer from the alleys and streets that surrounded me, but all that was there was a chilling silence, stillness.

Not knowing what to do, I go inside and wrap myself in the comfort of my deep-purple blanket. At once, I noticed that if there were no other people in the general area, there would be no one to give me oil for the heater. My parents must have forgotten to pay the bull, and the heat in the room had suddenly ceased. Every aspect of life came to a standstill; the cold was seeping into my soul. The first thought in my mind was that I had seen my father go and start a fire in the small fireplace in the corner. Hearing my feet bang against the floor, it sounded so rude for a sound so seeming loud to interrupt my thoughts. I opened the back door. A large, fenced in yard with a fairly large pile of wood unfolded to me. I grabbed three pieces of wood and clumsily stumbled back into the house through the ornate door.

Plopping down the unforgiving wood on the floor, I reached for the matches close by. Striking the fairly small match, I attempted to light the fire. Due to the size of the match, I burnt myself and threw the match away to avoid the pain. Unintentionally, the match landed in a puddle of gasoline spilled by my pet cat, Halbert. The gasoline instantly ignited, and I could only stare in graceful awe. My cat ran instantly out of the house. My common sense kicked in now, and I obediently followed my pet cat’s lead.

I methodically moved out of the abandoned house, avoiding rooms that were now too dangerous to enter. Once outside, I realized that the house had left a rather large smoke trail in the sky. Being the environmentalist that I am, I was immediately anxious. I had never been in a situation like this, and all I could decide to do was to take the fire to my advantage, and I prolonged it as long as I could by shoveling even more wood into the fire.

I was slowly lulled to sleep by the soothing crackling of my childhood dreams. I slept deep, and forgot all about the current evolving problem around me. I awoke with a startle. I quickly looked around, even though I did not know what to look for. I was dumbfounded when I had noticed that the cause of my awakening was a geyser caused by my water heater blowing its top. The good news I quickly realized is that if there was anyone around, they would surely see the miserable mess I got myself into. The fire was quickly put out by falling water.

To get food, I decided to make it to the local market on foot. My footsteps left marks in the snow that had fallen last night. But suddenly, mine were not the only footprints that were in the fresh snow. They can't have been more than a couple hours old. I followed the mysterious prints into the forest, barren and stripped of their leaves. I could see a good distance in the forest, but there was nothing that was of use to me to be seen. Or so it seemed. I looked at my feet, and noticed that the tracks in the snow were increasing in number.

A twig snapped behind me. To my untrained ear, it sounded like nothing. How I could be so wrong. A shocking pain shot through my whole body, and I fell back into darkness. I awoke slowly, gazing up at the stars. My eyes cleared and I looked at my surroundings. One thing seemed out of place. A living person, and they were walking to me. I started talking before I thought about the situation. I questioned, “Where is everybody, and why are you here?” He responded in a deep, official voice, “I am here to search for survivors, and to bring them to safety.” I had no idea of what was happening. I questioned again, “What has happened, tell me everything, where my parents are, why they left, and how, or if, I can get to them.”

He started explaining how a heavy dose of biological weapons had been spilled by a jumbo-jet. He told me that the government had a secret plan of action, to go to mars. They have been purifying the air for years, hoping to have a place of retreat in case of disaster. The man elaborated on their current condition, and how to get to the others. It turns out that the government also had withheld another piece of information, that Albert Einstein had drafted one last thought, a wormhole maker. The government built and tested the design, but kept the item inside area 51.

My journey was just beginning. He led me to another part of the forest. A wormhole generator, or to my eye what could have been a big calculator. The man told me to jump into the circle of forest ground that had been clear of leaves. Not knowing what to expect, I jumped into the circle, and saw the floor melt before me.

The atmosphere closed in around me, like a narrowing pipe. There was a dull red glint at the very end, but at this rate I felt I might not make it. There was no longer any oxygen, and my lips turned blue. In desperation, I gasped for breath. The red light suddenly exploded around me. I was on mars.

My family had been notified, and they were sent down to the arrival chamber. I had never seen so much remorse in someone’s face. I would have been more emotional, had I not still been in shock. The doctors evaluated me, and said that I was just a little shook up. But now that’s all behind me, I have a new life on a new planet to get used to. My friends were eager to tell me all about the new arrangements. I eventually fit in like all the other evacuees.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay displays very effective focus and meaning, while demonstrating a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that are all relevant to the writer’s story of being home alone.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“ I immediately rushed over to the garage as my first thoughts were of the glamorous cars that awaited me; shining chrome, red, yellow, and racing stripes. The cars were all gone. I still had many options; my mind raced with possibilities. Still running on adrenaline, my legs led me to the phone to call a friend. My long, thin fingers slipped over the sleek phone, expecting the cold, black receiver that waited. I recited my friend's phone number, and my fingers dialed, as if being guided by giant marionette strings. No ring, no answer. Anticipating a normal glitch, I dialed another number. A prerecorded voice announced with great regret that the number no longer existed. Another number, and still the same answer, and another until I had the recording memorized. The voice seemed cold and as if it had something to hide. …Expecting the worst, I hustled outside and knocked on all of my neighbor's doors, and none answered. It finally hit me. I was alone.”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed very effectively. (“ A large black car roughly bounced out of my grasp. As the sun slowly peaks its shiny rays over the roof of my garage, I convince my eyes to open after a long night's rest. My stomach growling at me, I shuffled out of my bed, and jogged downstairs to find to my surprise, an empty house. It was like all my hopes and nightmares were all released at once. My first thoughts were of great excitement, finally being able to go days without taking a shower. However, they gave way to thoughts of longing and loneliness, brought on by stinging tears. But that didn’t last long.”)

Sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“A twig snapped behind me. To my untrained ear, it sounded like nothing. How I could be so wrong. A shocking pain shot through my whole body, and I fell back into darkness. I awoke slowly, gazing up at the stars. My eyes cleared and I looked at my surroundings.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen in this essay, with a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The writer clearly establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Complex characters are created, and dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“To get food, I decided to make it to the local market on foot. My footsteps left marks in the snow that had fallen last night. But suddenly, mine were not the only footprints that were in the fresh snow. They can’t have been more than a couple hours old. I followed the mysterious prints into the forest, barren and stripped of their leaves. I could see a good distance in the forest, but there was nothing that was of use to me to be seen. Or so it seemed. I looked at my feet, and noticed that the tracks in the snow were increasing in number.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed very effectively. (“The phrase sounded unreal to me ‘I AM ALONE!’ I quickly realized that I half expected an answer from the alleys and streets that surrounded me, but all that was there was a chilling silence, stillness.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“My journey was just beginning. He led me to another part of the forest. A wormhole generator, or to my eye what could have been a big calculator. The man told me to jump into the circle of forest ground that had been clear of leaves. Not knowing what to expect, I jumped into the circle, and saw the floor melt before me. …The atmosphere closed in around me, like a narrowing pipe. There was a dull red glint at the very end, but at this rate I felt I might not make it. There was no longer any oxygen, and my lips turned blue. In desperation, I gasped for breath. The red light suddenly exploded around me. I was on mars.”)

The story very effectively states a surprise ending. (“My family had been notified, and they were sent down to the arrival chamber. I had never seen so much remorse in someone’s face. I would have been more emotional, had I not still been in shock. The doctors evaluated me, and said that I was just a little shook up. But now that’s all behind me, I have a new life on a new planet to get used to. My friends were eager to tell me all about the new arrangements. I eventually fit in like all the other evacuees.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is seen within this essay. The writer captures readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the ending successfully pulls the entire story together.

Transitions are very effectively used to make the beginning creative and exciting. (“A large black car roughly bounced out of my grasp. As the sun slowly peaks its shiny rays over the roof of my garage, I convince my eyes to open after a long night’s rest. My stomach growling at me, I shuffled out of my bed, and jogged downstairs to find to my surprise, an empty house. It was like all my hopes and nightmares were all released at once. My first thoughts were of great excitement, finally being able to go days without taking a shower. However, they gave way to thoughts of longing and loneliness, brought on by stinging tears. But that didn’t last long. …I immediately rushed over to the garage as my first thoughts were of the glamorous cars that awaited me; shining chrome, red, yellow, and racing stripes. The cars were all gone. I still had many options; my mind raced with possibilities. Still running on adrenaline, my legs led me to the phone to call a friend. My long, thin fingers slipped over the sleek phone, expecting the cold, black receiver that waited. I recited my friend’s phone number, and my fingers dialed, as if being guided by giant marionette strings. No ring, no answer. Anticipating a normal glitch, I dialed another number. A prerecorded voice announced with great regret that the number no longer existed. Another number, and still the same answer, and another until I had the recording memorized. The voice seemed cold and as if it had something to hide. …Expecting the worst, I hustled outside and knocked on all of my neighbor’s doors, and none answered. It finally hit me. I was alone.”)

The mood in the beginning of the essay is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“I immediately rushed over to the garage as my first thoughts were of the glamorous cars that awaited me; shining chrome, red, yellow, and racing stripes. The cars were all gone. I still had many options; my mind raced with possibilities. Still running on adrenaline, my legs led me to the phone to call a friend. My long, thin fingers slipped over the sleek phone, expecting the cold, black receiver that waited. I recited my friend’s phone number, and my fingers dialed, as if being guided by giant marionette strings. No ring, no answer. Anticipating a normal glitch, I dialed another number. A prerecorded voice announced with great regret that the number no longer existed. Another number, and still the same answer, and another until I had the recording memorized. The voice seemed cold and as if it had something to hide. …Expecting the worst, I hustled outside and knocked on all of my neighbor’s doors, and none answered. It finally hit me. I was alone.”)

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“A large black car roughly bounced out of my grasp. As the sun slowly peaks its shiny rays over the roof of my garage, I convince my eyes to open after a long night’s rest. My stomach growling at me, I shuffled out of my bed, and jogged downstairs to find to my surprise, an empty house. It was like all my hopes and nightmares were all released at once. My first thoughts were of great excitement, finally being able to go days without taking a shower. However, they gave way to thoughts of longing and loneliness, brought on by stinging tears. But that didn’t last long.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“My family had been notified, and they were sent down to the arrival chamber. I had never seen so much remorse in someone’s face. I would have been more emotional, had I not still been in shock. The doctors evaluated me, and said that I was just a little shook up. But now that’s all behind me, I have a new life on a new planet to get used to. My friends were eager to tell me all about the new arrangements. I eventually fit in like all the other evacuees.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. We ll-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph through language and tone. (“ A large black car roughly bounced out of my grasp. As the sun slowly peaks its shiny rays over the roof of my garage, I convince my eyes to open after a long night’s rest. My stomach growling at me, I shuffled out of my bed, and jogged downstairs to find to my surprise, an empty house. It was like all my hopes and nightmares were all released at once. My first thoughts were of great excitement, finally being able to go days without taking a shower. However, they gave way to thoughts of longing and loneliness, brought on by stinging tears. But that didn’t last long. …I immediately rushed over to the garage as my first thoughts were of the glamorous cars that awaited me; shining chrome, red, yellow, and racing stripes. The cars were all gone. I still had many options; my mind raced with possibilities. Still running on adrenaline, my legs led me to the phone to call a friend. My long, thin fingers slipped over the sleek phone, expecting the cold, black receiver that waited. I recited my friend’s phone number, and my fingers dialed, as if being guided by giant marionette strings. No ring, no answer. Anticipating a normal glitch, I dialed another number. A prerecorded voice announced with great regret that the number no longer existed. Another number, and still the same answer, and another until I had the recording memorized. The voice seemed cold and as if it had something to hide.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ Not knowing what to do, I go inside and wrap myself in the comfort of my deep-purple blanket. At once, I noticed that if there were no other people in the general area, there would be no one to give me oil for the heater. My parents must have forgotten to pay the bull, and the heat in the room had suddenly ceased. Every aspect of life came to a standstill; the cold was seeping into my soul. The first thought in my mind was that I had seen my father go and start a fire in the small fireplace in the corner. Hearing my feet bang against the floor, it sounded so rude for a sound so seeming loud to interrupt my thoughts. I opened the back door. A large, fenced in yard with a fairly large pile of wood unfolded to me. I grabbed three pieces of wood and clumsily stumbled back into the house through the ornate door.”)

The complex sentence, “ As the sun slowly peaks its shiny rays over the roof of my garage, I convince my eyes to open after a long night’s rest,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay. There are f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example: Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ A large black car roughly bounced out of my grasp.”) Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ My common sense kicked in now, and I obediently followed my pet cat’s lead.”) Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ He started explaining how a heavy dose of biological weapons had been spilled by a jumbo-jet.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“Slam!” The door slams shut in my face while my family leaves the house for there summer vacation. Of utmost importance I am not invited because of a little accident that got me grounded, so I’m at home all by myself. As soon as I saw their car leave the drive way I started to jump for joy. First thing I headed too was my radio. I cranked up the radio so the entire neighborhood heard it and dance around for thirty minutes. After I was in total fatigue I rested for a few minutes pondering of how bored I would be if my parents and siblings were here. I can only say one thing, I would be bored out of my mind!

Initially, after a few hours of my family being gone I hopped on the computer. “Kerplunk!” I went to go sit in the computer chair and I feel and landed on my rear end. I didn’t care too much so I got back in the chair and very slowly sat down so I wouldn’t fall on my bottom again. So once I logged on to Windows, I clicked the World of Warcraft icon and opened the computer game. I logged on and started to play the computer game and I noticed none of my friends are on-line. I logged out with a long “Sigh.”

Furthermore, I decided to call my friend and maybe I would be aloud to come over to her house. So I called her and she said sure! I was so excited that I even fixed my hair. Just then I remembered that I was grounded and I couldn’t go anywhere. I was so upset, but I called her back and told her that I forgot I was grounded and I couldn't come over then I apologized and hung up the phone with dismay.

Last but not least, I sat an the comfortable couch and clicked on television with major depression. I started watching one of my favorite shows called Scrubs and was entertained by the first few minutes. All of a sudden I got an alarming text message. It was my mom and she told me her vacation was canceled and they were coming home. It would take them about 12 hours to get all the way back because there driving back even though they took the plane to Kansas . I was excited they were coming home because I was tremendously bored!

In a nut shell, I started to get tired after waiting so long for them that I felt a little dramatically impatient so I decided to take a nap. Before I knew it eleven hours had past and my mom stumbled right through the door. I was so astonished that I yelled to the top of my lung “Hey guys!” I embraced every single last one of my family members as they walked through the door. My Mom asked me how my weekend was and all I said was “It wasn’t all that great cause I didn’t have you to share it with” and I put on a huge smile on my face.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are all relevant to the writer’s story of being home alone.

The essay states the main event well. (“‘ Slam!’ The door slams shut in my face while my family leaves the house for there summer vacation. Of utmost importance I am not invited because of a little accident that got me grounded, so I’m at home all by myself.”)

Details in the essay focus on the main event. (“Initially, after a few hours of my family being gone I hopped on the computer. ‘Kerplunk!’ I went to go sit in the computer chair and I feel and landed on my rear end. I didn’t care too much so I got back in the chair and very slowly sat down so I wouldn’t fall on my bottom again. So once I logged on to Windows, I clicked the World of Warcraft icon and opened the computer game. I logged on and started to play the computer game and I noticed none of my friends are on-line. I logged out with a long ‘Sigh.’”)

The details of the essay support the topic and purpose effectively. (“Last but not least, I sat an the comfortable couch and clicked on television with major depression. I started watching one of my favorite shows called Scrubs and was entertained by the first few minutes. All of a sudden I got an alarming text message. It was my mom and she told me her vacation was canceled and they were coming home. It would take them about 12 hours to get all the way back because there driving back even though they took the plane to Kansas . I was excited they were coming home because I was tremendously bored!”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes the problem that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is also used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed effectively. (“Initially, after a few hours of my family being gone I hopped on the computer. ‘Kerplunk!’ I went to go sit in the computer chair and I feel and landed on my rear end. I didn’t care too much so I got back in the chair and very slowly sat down so I wouldn’t fall on my bottom again. So once I logged on to Windows, I clicked the World of Warcraft icon and opened the computer game. I logged on and started to play the computer game and I noticed none of my friends are on-line. I logged out with a long ‘Sigh.’”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Last but not least, I sat an the comfortable couch and clicked on television with major depression. I started watching one of my favorite shows called Scrubs and was entertained by the first few minutes. All of a sudden I got an alarming text message. It was my mom and she told me her vacation was canceled and they were coming home. It would take them about 12 hours to get all the way back because there driving back even though they took the plane to Kansas . I was excited they were coming home because I was tremendously bored!”)

The outcome of the event in the story is effectively described. (“In a nut shell, I started to get tired after waiting so long for them that I felt a little dramatically impatient so I decided to take a nap. Before I knew it eleven hours had past and my mom stumbled right through the door. I was so astonished that I yelled to the top of my lung ‘Hey guys!’ I embraced every single last one of my family members as they walked through the door. My Mom asked me how my weekend was and all I said was ‘It wasn't all that great cause I didn't have you to share it with’ and I put on a huge smile on my face.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent in this essay. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab readers’ attention by including an exclamation. (“’ Slam!’ The door slams shut in my face while my family leaves the house for there summer vacation. Of utmost importance I am not invited because of a little accident that got me grounded, so I’m at home all by myself. As soon as I saw their car leave the drive way I started to jump for joy. First thing I headed too was my radio. I cranked up the radio so the entire neighborhood heard it and dance around for thirty minutes. After I was in total fatigue I rested for a few minutes pondering of how bored I would.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ Initially, after a few hours of my family being gone I hopped on the computer. … Furthermore, I decided to call my friend and maybe I would be aloud to come over to her house. So I called her and she said sure! I was so excited that I even fixed my hair. Just then I remembered that I was grounded and I couldn’t go anywhere. I was so upset, but I called her back and told her that I forgot I was grounded and I couldn’t come over then I apologized and hung up the phone with dismay. …In a nut shell, I started to get tired after waiting so long for them that I felt a little dramatically impatient so I decided to take a nap.”)

The beginning includes effective background information about the event—that the writer’s parents leave him/her home alone while they go away on vacation. (“ ’Slam!’ The door slams shut in my face while my family leaves the house for there summer vacation. Of utmost importance I am not invited because of a little accident that got me grounded, so I’m at home all by myself.”)

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and feelings of the characters in the story. (“ In a nut shell, I started to get tired after waiting so long for them that I felt a little dramatically impatient so I decided to take a nap. Before I knew it eleven hours had past and my mom stumbled right through the door. I was so astonished that I yelled to the top of my lung ‘Hey guys!’ I embraced every single last one of my family members as they walked through the door. My Mom asked me how my weekend was and all I said was ‘It wasn’t all that great cause I didn't have you to share it wit’ and I put on a huge smile on my face.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. W ell-structured sentences with some variety are also incorporated.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the story. (“ Last but not least, I sat an the comfortable couch and clicked on television with major depression. I started watching one of my favorite shows called Scrubs and was entertained by the first few minutes. All of a sudden I got an alarming text message. It was my mom and she told me her vacation was canceled and they were coming home. It would take them about 12 hours to get all the way back because there driving back even though they took the plane to Kansas . I was excited they were coming home because I was tremendously bored!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of each paragraph are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ In a nut shell, I started to get tired after waiting so long for them that I felt a little dramatically impatient so I decided to take a nap. Before I knew it eleven hours had past and my mom stumbled right through the door. I was so astonished that I yelled to the top of my lung ‘Hey guys!’ I embraced every single last one of my family members as they walked through the door. My Mom asked me how my weekend was and all I said was ‘It wasn't all that great cause I didn’t have you to share it with’ and I put on a huge smile on my face.”)

The compound-complex sentence, “ Of utmost importance I am not invited because of a little accident that got me grounded, so I’m at home all by myself,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is apparent in this essay. However, there are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

For example: Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ I embraced every single last one of my family members as they walked through the door.”) Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ I was excited they were coming home because I was tremendously bored!”) Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Furthermore, I decided to call my friend and maybe I would be aloud to come over to her house.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One Friday in the morning, my mom, dad, sister, and brother left to Chicago without me because I was still asleep. So I was all alone in my house. I didn't know what to do. So I called my friends and said, “Let’s go to the mall ‘cause my parents and brother’s left to Chicago and anyway they left $550.” “You also have to hurry so we can get the bus,” I said. So we went to the bus stop and waited for a little while. Then it arrived, so we went in it and found some more of my friends. Finally, we arrived at the mall. My friends and I went shopping to a lot of stores. At the end I got left with $450 (including food.) After the mall we went to my house and invited more friends. We had a sleep over.

On Saturday in the morning we had to clean up the living room. There were a lot of girls getting up in the morning. We also had to clean up if we wanted to have a party. Then, when we finally finished cleaning around 12:30p.m. So we went to go shopping again for the party supplies. I also ordered pizza so I was left with $380. Then, we had to decorate the backyard and the house. I invited more my very favorite girl friends and guy friends. The party started at 3:30p.m. and ended at 1:00a.m. It was so crazy because there were people dancing, singing, eating a lot, and more. I had to sleep on the floor because I was so sleepy I couldn’t even go to my room. And by the way there were some people sleeping in my room because they were also sleepy.

Then, on Sunday I had to pick up all the trash again and arrange the living room on how it was. I even had to return the DJ. Then the extra time I had was for studying my test and making my homework. At the end I was left with no money.

Finally, when my parents came they found out I had a party and were proud of me because that was a step forward of growing up. Except the only thing they were mad at me was that I wasted all the money they had given me. My sister was mad because she missed the party. I was relieved that they really didn’t get mad at me and they also weren’t that mad at me because the house was in good shape and I did my homework. This is what happened when I was home alone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay also provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The story states the main event of the story adequately. (“ One Friday in the morning, my mom, dad, sister, and brother left to Chicago without me because I was still asleep. So I was all alone in my house. I didn’t know what to do. So I called my friends and said, ‘Let's go to the mall ‘cause my parents and brother’s left to Chicago and anyway they left $550.’”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“One Friday in the morning, my mom, dad, sister, and brother left to Chicago without me because I was still asleep. So I was all alone in my house. I didn’t know what to do. So I called my friends and said, ‘Let's go to the mall 'cause my parents and brother’s left to Chicago and anyway they left $550.’ ‘You also have to hurry so we can get the bus,’ I said. So we went to the bus stop and waited for a little while. Then it arrived, so we went in it and found some more of my friends. Finally, we arrived at the mall. My friends and I went shopping to a lot of stores. At the end I got left with $450 (including food.) After the mall we went to my house and invited more friends. We had a sleep over.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are adequately developed. (“On Saturday in the morning we had to clean up the living room. There were a lot of girls getting up in the morning. We also had to clean up if we wanted to have a party. Then, when we finally finished cleaning around 12:30p.m. So we went to go shopping again for the party supplies. I also ordered pizza so I was left with $380. Then, we had to decorate the backyard and the house. I invited more my very favorite girl friends and guy friends. The party started at 3:30p.m. and ended at 1:00a.m. It was so crazy because there were people dancing, singing, eating a lot, and more. I had to sleep on the floor because I was so sleepy I couldn’t even go to my room. And by the way there were some people sleeping in my room because they were also sleepy.”)

Content & Development

This essay provides adequate content and development. There is a reasonably developed plot and setting with believable characters created. The writer establishes the problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Some dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“On Saturday in the morning we had to clean up the living room. There were a lot of girls getting up in the morning. We also had to clean up if we wanted to have a party. Then, when we finally finished cleaning around 12:30p.m. So we went to go shopping again for the party supplies. I also ordered pizza so I was left with $380. Then, we had to decorate the backyard and the house. I invited more my very favorite girl friends and guy friends. The party started at 3:30p.m. and ended at 1:00a.m. It was so crazy because there were people dancing, singing, eating a lot, and more. I had to sleep on the floor because I was so sleepy I couldn’t even go to my room. And by the way there were some people sleeping in my room because they were also sleepy.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“On Saturday in the morning we had to clean up the living room. There were a lot of girls getting up in the morning. We also had to clean up if we wanted to have a party. Then, when we finally finished cleaning around 12:30p.m. So we went to go shopping again for the party supplies. I also ordered pizza so I was left with $380. Then, we had to decorate the backyard and the house. I invited more my very favorite girl friends and guy friends. The party started at 3:30p.m. and ended at 1:00a.m. It was so crazy because there were people dancing, singing, eating a lot, and more. I had to sleep on the floor because I was so sleepy I couldn’t even go to my room. And by the way there were some people sleeping in my room because they were also sleepy.”)

Details adequately describe the solution in the essay. (“Finally, when my parents came they found out I had a party and were proud of me because that was a step forward of growing up. Except the only thing they were mad at me was that I wasted all the money they had given me. My sister was mad because she missed the party. I was relieved that they really didn’t get mad at me and they also weren’t that mad at me because the house was in good shape and I did my homework. This is what happened when I was home alone.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in this essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that makes readers want to keep reading. Furthermore, the story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ One Friday in the morning, my mom, dad, sister, and brother left to Chicago without me because I was still asleep. So I was all alone in my house. I didn't know what to do. So I called my friends and said, ‘Let's go to the mall ‘cause my parents and brother’s left to Chicago and anyway they left $550.’ ‘You also have to hurry so we can get the bus,’ I said. So we went to the bus stop and waited for a little while. Then it arrived, so we went in it and found some more of my friends. Finally, we arrived at the mall. My friends and I went shopping to a lot of stores. At the end I got left with $450 (including food.) After the mall we went to my house and invited more friends. We had a sleep over.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Then, on Sunday I had to pick up all the trash again and arrange the living room on how it was. …Finally, when my parents came they found out I had a party and were proud of me because that was a step forward of growing up.”)

The ending includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“ Finally, when my parents came they found out I had a party and were proud of me because that was a step forward of growing up. Except the only thing they were mad at me was that I wasted all the money they had given me. My sister was mad because she missed the party. I was relieved that they really didn’t get mad at me and they also weren’t that mad at me because the house was in good shape and I did my homework. This is what happened when I was home alone.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is seen within this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ One Friday in the morning, my mom, dad, sister, and brother left to Chicago without me because I was still asleep. So I was all alone in my house. I didn't know what to do. So I called my friends and said, ‘Let's go to the mall ‘cause my parents and brother’s left to Chicago and anyway they left $550.’ ‘You also have to hurry so we can get the bus,’ I said. So we went to the bus stop and waited for a little while. Then it arrived, so we went in it and found some more of my friends. Finally, we arrived at the mall. My friends and I went shopping to a lot of stores. At the end I got left with $450 (including food.) After the mall we went to my house and invited more friends. We had a sleep over.”)

Exact and specific words and/or phrases from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ This is what happened when I was home alone.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the word “mad” is repeated several times in the concluding paragraph. (“ Except the only thing they were mad at me was that I wasted all the money they had given me. My sister was mad because she missed the party. I was relieved that they really didn’t get mad at me and they also weren’t that mad at me because the house was in good shape and I did my homework.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ There were a lot of girls getting up in the morning.”) Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ At the end I was left with no money.”) Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ On Saturday in the morning we had to clean up the living room.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One morning at seven o’clock I woke up I brushed my teeth and washed my face . After I went down stairs to go eat some breakfast but when I got down stairs known was there so I checked in the kitchen, and the living room then I checked my parents room but know body was there . so after I went to my friends house to go see if my mom or dad were at work . When I got to my friends Jimmy’s house he opened the door and then I told hem that I could not find my mom or my dad and I wanted to know if I can use your phone so I can call them . Then Jimmy said yes so I go running up the stairs and I find the phone . first I call my mom and my dads cellphone number but know bodies picking up so then I call my dads work and my moms work someone picks up at my dads work but his boss side he never came to work the same thing with my mom. I was getting really scared so I went back home to check were they mite be so I looked in my dads desk but I found nothing. Then I looked in my moms room but I found nothing ether.

When I got even more wored I started to go looking for my mom and dad so I grab my bike and go looking for them . My first stop was to the groserys but I had no luck there so then I went to go to DENYS but no luck there either.So my last stop was the MALL and when I got to the mall I had to go throuh every store in the mall just so I can find my parents.

I had look thro every store and it was gitting late so I had to stop looking because the mall was closing so then I had to go home with out knowing were my parents were at.So when I got home my moms car was there so I run inside and my parents were there and they sid they were just taking a drive

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

The events in the story are not always consistent with the prompt, as the story focuses on the main character looking for his/her parents rather than what he/she does while home alone. (“When I got even more wored I started to go looking for my mom and dad so I grab my bike and go looking for them . My first stop was to the groserys but I had no luck there so then I went to go to DENYS but no luck there either.So my last stop was the MALL and when I got to the mall I had to go throuh every store in the mall just so I can find my parents.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I had look thro every store and it was gitting late so I had to stop looking because the mall was closing so then I had to go home with out knowing were my parents were at.So when I got home my moms car was there so I run inside and my parents were there and they sid they were just taking a drive”)

Details about characters are limited. (“ One morning at seven o’clock I woke up I brushed my teeth and washed my face . After I went down stairs to go eat some breakfast but when I got down stairs known was there so I checked in the kitchen, and the living room then I checked my parents room but know body was there . so after I went to my friends house to go see if my mom or dad were at work . When I got to my friends Jimmy’s house he opened the door and then I told hem that I could not find my mom or my dad and I wanted to know if I can use your phone so I can call them .”)

Content & Development

In this essay, there is limited content and development. The writing provides an adequately developed plot and setting, along with adequately developed characters. However, it lacks sufficient detail to make this essay more than a summary of what happens in the story. A conflict may be stated, but it is not developed. Some dialogue is used, but it is not sufficient.

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“When I got even more wored I started to go looking for my mom and dad so I grab my bike and go looking for them . My first stop was to the groserys but I had no luck there so then I went to go to DENYS but no luck there either.So my last stop was the MALL and when I got to the mall I had to go throuh every store in the mall just so I can find my parents.”)

There is limited sensory detail about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“ so after I went to my friends house to go see if my mom or dad were at work . When I got to my friends Jimmy’s house he opened the door and then I told hem that I could not find my mom or my dad and I wanted to know if I can use your phone so I can call them . Then Jimmy said yes so I go running up the stairs and I find the phone.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is limited. (“ When I got to my friends Jimmy’s house he opened the door and then I told hem that I could not find my mom or my dad and I wanted to know if I can use your phone so I can call them . Then Jimmy said yes so I go running up the stairs and I find the phone .”)

The plot is limited. (“When I got even more wored I started to go looking for my mom and dad so I grab my bike and go looking for them . My first stop was to the groserys but I had no luck there so then I went to go to DENYS but no luck there either.So my last stop was the MALL and when I got to the mall I had to go throuh every store in the mall just so I can find my parents. …I had look thro every store and it was gitting late so I had to stop looking because the mall was closing so then I had to go home with out knowing were my parents were at.So when I got home my moms car was there so I run inside and my parents were there and they sid they were just taking a drive”)

Organization

Limited organization is evident in this essay. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, although the essay does provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ One morning at seven o’clock I woke up I brushed my teeth and washed my face . After I went down stairs to go eat some breakfast but when I got down stairs known was there so I checked in the kitchen, and the living room then I checked my parents room but know body was there . so after I went to my friends house to go see if my mom or dad were at work . When I got to my friends Jimmy’s house he opened the door and then I told hem that I could not find my mom or my dad and I wanted to know if I can use your phone so I can call them .”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ first I call my mom and my dads cellphone number but know bodies picking up so then I call my dads work and my moms work someone picks up at my dads work but his boss side he never came to work the same thing with my mom. … Then I looked in my moms room but I found nothing ether.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ I had look thro every store and it was gitting late so I had to stop looking because the mall was closing so then I had to go home with out knowing were my parents were at.So when I got home my moms car was there so I run inside and my parents were there and they sid they were just taking a drive”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, the essay relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ One morning at seven o’clock I woke up I brushed my teeth and washed my face . After I went down stairs to go eat some breakfast but when I got down stairs known was there so I checked in the kitchen, and the living room then I checked my parents room but know body was there .”)

There is repetition, as the word “so” is repeated several times. (“ I had look thro every store and it was gitting late so I had to stop looking because the mall was closing so then I had to go home with out knowing were my parents were at. So when I got home my moms car was there so I run inside and my parents were there and they sid they were just taking a drive”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ When I got even more wored I started to go looking for my mom and dad so I grab my bike and go looking for them . My first stop was to the groserys but I had no luck there so then I went to go to DENYS but no luck there either.So my last stop was the MALL and when I got to the mall I had to go throuh every store in the mall just so I can find my parents. …I had look thro every store and it was gitting late so I had to stop looking because the mall was closing so then I had to go home with out knowing were my parents were at.So when I got home my moms car was there so I run inside and my parents were there and they sid they were just taking a drive”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay. There are s everal noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The story should:

Make sure each sentence contains words that are spelled correctly. (“When I got even more wored I started to go looking for my mom and dad so I grab my bike and go looking for them . My first stop was to the groserys but I had no luck there so then I went to go to DENYS but no luck there either.So my last stop was the MALL and when I got to the mall I had to go throuh every store in the mall just so I can find my parents.”) End each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“ So when I got home my moms car was there so I run inside and my parents were there and they sid they were just taking a drive”) Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ so after I went to my friends house to go see if my mom or dad were at work .”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time, In the morning when I woke up my mom and dad left a note that said they went to Las Vegas for a week. I was happy. I saw my brother he didn’t go neither. We were both happy we could do what ever we want we could play video games and watch TV the whole day. My brother said.

We called our friends and cousins to play soccer sleep at my house and watch TV late. The next day my cousins went home. My mom said to stay home the whole day but we didn’t listen to her we went to the store than my parents past by we ran home as fast as we could we went through a shortcut and we got there at the same time we went in the back door and sat down to watch TV. the door opened it was my parents and we said hi

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is minimal focus and meaning in this essay. The writing demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Details and descriptions are provided that may stray from the point of the story.

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“One time, In the morning when I woke up my mom and dad left a note that said they went to Las Vegas for a week. I was happy. I saw my brother he didn’t go neither. We were both happy we could do what ever we want we could play video games and watch TV the whole day. My brother said.”)

The events in the essay are often not consistent with the prompt since the essay is about staying home alone, and the main character in this story is with his/her brother. (“One time, In the morning when I woke up my mom and dad left a note that said they went to Las Vegas for a week. I was happy. I saw my brother he didn’t go neither. We were both happy we could do what ever we want we could play video games and watch TV the whole day. My brother said.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“We called our friends and cousins to play soccer sleep at my house and watch TV late. The next day my cousins went home. My mom said to stay home the whole day but we didn’t listen to her we went to the store than my parents past by we ran home as fast as we could we went through a shortcut and we got there at the same time we went in the back door and sat down to watch TV. the door opened it was my parents and we said hi”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen within this essay. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. Tension or conflict used to make the story interesting is lacking. No dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“We called our friends and cousins to play soccer sleep at my house and watch TV late. The next day my cousins went home. My mom said to stay home the whole day but we didn’t listen to her we went to the store than my parents past by we ran home as fast as we could we went through a shortcut and we got there at the same time we went in the back door and sat down to watch TV. the door opened it was my parents and we said hi”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“One time, In the morning when I woke up my mom and dad left a note that said they went to Las Vegas for a week. I was happy. I saw my brother he didn’t go neither. We were both happy we could do what ever we want we could play video games and watch TV the whole day. My brother said.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“We called our friends and cousins to play soccer sleep at my house and watch TV late. The next day my cousins went home. My mom said to stay home the whole day but we didn’t listen to her we went to the store than my parents past by we ran home as fast as we could we went through a shortcut and we got there at the same time we went in the back door and sat down to watch TV. the door opened it was my parents and we said hi”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“One time, In the morning when I woke up my mom and dad left a note that said they went to Las Vegas for a week. I was happy. I saw my brother he didn’t go neither. We were both happy we could do what ever we want we could play video games and watch TV the whole day. My brother said. …We called our friends and cousins to play soccer sleep at my house and watch TV late. The next day my cousins went home. My mom said to stay home the whole day but we didn’t listen to her we went to the store than my parents past by we ran home as fast as we could we went through a shortcut and we got there at the same time we went in the back door and sat down to watch TV. the door opened it was my parents and we said hi”)

Organization

Minimal organization is demonstrated in this essay. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Lastly, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an ending.

The story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One time, In the morning when I woke up my mom and dad left a note that said they went to Las Vegas for a week. I was happy. I saw my brother he didn’t go neither. We were both happy we could do what ever we want we could play video games and watch TV the whole day. My brother said.”)

The beginning of the essay includes only minimal background information about the event. (“ One time, In the morning when I woke up my mom and dad left a note that said they went to Las Vegas for a week. I was happy. I saw my brother he didn’t go neither. We were both happy we could do what ever we want we could play video games and watch TV the whole day. My brother said.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ We called our friends and cousins to play soccer sleep at my house and watch TV late. The next day my cousins went home.”)

The writer minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ We called our friends and cousins to play soccer sleep at my house and watch TV late. The next day my cousins went home. My mom said to stay home the whole day but we didn’t listen to her we went to the store than my parents past by we ran home as fast as we could we went through a shortcut and we got there at the same time we went in the back door and sat down to watch TV. the door opened it was my parents and we said hi”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ My mom said to stay home the whole day but we didn’t listen to her we went to the store than my parents past by we ran home as fast as we could we went through a shortcut and we got there at the same time we went in the back door and sat down to watch TV.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ I was happy. I saw my brother he didn’t go neither.”)

There is repetition, with the word “happy” repeated twice in the following example: “ I was happy . …We were both happy we could do what ever we want we could play video games and watch TV the whole day.”

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ We called our friends and cousins to play soccer sleep at my house and watch TV late. The next day my cousins went home. My mom said to stay home the whole day but we didn’t listen to her we went to the store than my parents past by we ran home as fast as we could we went through a shortcut and we got there at the same time we went in the back door and sat down to watch TV. the door opened it was my parents and we said hi”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is evident in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The story does not: Make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ My brother said.”) End each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“the door opened it was my parents and we said hi”) Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ the door opened it was my parents and we said hi”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate focus and meaning are seen in this essay. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

The essay does not state the main event of the story. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

In the beginning of the essay, the supporting events in the story are not stated. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

The purpose of the essay is also not stated. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

Content & Development

Content and development in this essay are inadequate. The essay l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but are not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow, and not much happens.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

Organization

The organization in this essay is inadequate. The story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) along with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The beginning of the story does not grab readers’ attention. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

The essay does not include background information about the event. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

There is no ending in this essay. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are demonstrated in this essay. The writing displays unclear language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Control of conventions and mechanics in this essay is inadequate. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The story does not: Make sure each sentence has words that are spelled correctly. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”) Use proper punctuation, including apostrophes. (“what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that. No im kiding I would maybe have my friend spend the night. But if my mom comes home I would blame her. I wont do that maybe on my brothe not on my friend. Thats what I would do.”) Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ what I would do Is be a perect little girl that loves her family and dont like to git in truble and dont like tohave a party like a rock star they other poeple that dose that.”)

How Does Conflict Lead to Change?

When conflicts erupt between people, it is often useful to examine how these conflicts ultimately change the participants. How do you think conflict can lead to change?

Write an narrative essay about a specific time in your life when you experienced a conflict which had an impact on your, or someone else's, life. Be sure to provide details of the conflict and discuss how it changed the participants.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The experience I had, that had a certain impact on my life, took place in third grade. That year a lot of things, change. But they weren't good changes in my opinion, but things could've have been worse which I am happy that they didn't. But this experience still had a major impact on my life, and that of my sister in some ways, though she was only 3 at that time. But it had a pretty big impact on her future and still our lives now. That conflict lead and sill has effects now. All because of that one year.

Before the experience happened, we had only been in our new home for a couple of years and still getting settled. My mom and dad were pretty happy, I guess. We always went to our meetings at the kingdom hall, had parties and always hung out with our friends. This was kind of nice. During that time I grew closer to my friends, and everything. We hung out all the time. There were some pretty nice times.

Then my parents began fighting, and I would find my mom crying on the ground. My father was home less and he'd usually leave the house and go out some place with his friends for hours. Since we never really had that much money, he and my mother would also argue about that. Then he would go out and buy a guitar or a drum set or something. Soon he wasn't going to meetings or anything. He never talked to me much either. He was always out or hanging with my sister at the toy store or something. So I grew further and further apart from him. Then my mom, started to kind of feel sorry for herself more and more. She would lie in bed a times and just cry to herself. Talking about how she's so sorry for us and that we shouldn't have to see this kind of thing, even though she would mostly just be talking herself. Then when I tried to say something, she wouldn't listen to me. Just tell me to go ask my father or watch my sister. The house wasn't being cleaned the dishes weren't being down. We never really saw our friends as much. I rarely saw anyone outside of family. So it felt as if I was trapped in my house. Over the years, I couldn't stand the mess, and would try to clean, and try to help out around the place. My mother with her asthma couldn't and can't do much, even though she's the one who makes most of the mess, and can't clean it up. My father is usually out in the garage or banging on his drums. Then when he does help me clean, it seems like he's always frustrated, and tells me how maybe I should be doing more around the house. Then my sister does nothing now, because over the years, my parents never really enforced any rules upon her. She was never told to clean her room. I always had to. She was never told to pick up toys or do the dishes. I've always had to. So it gets stressful. My house seems depressing. Everyone's usually moping around. No one does any work, because it just seems strange in a way. My parents talk to each other, only really when they need to now and sometimes it can end up being a free for all. With my family also living next door, it's not much help at all!

Now, my father and I talk somewhat, but it just seems awkward to even say a word to each other. My mother and I can't have a conversation without her telling me how sorry she feels for herself, and we usually end up fighting. I know that's natural for mothers and daughters, to always fight, but she just gets on my nerves so much. Then my sister, as I said, rules have never been really enforced upon her in the past. And now that my parents are finally trying, she's not really adapting too well to that.

That year in 3rd grade, my parents almost got divorced. That seems to happen to a lot of families lately, but they ended up not going through with it. But sometimes I wonder if our family's truly happy that way. Ever since that time, things just seem off between all of us. That point in 3rd grade in almost right in the middle of my whole life. Sometimes I wish for how it was before when things just seemed better. But I guess because of it now, I'm prepared to deal with problems, maybe not ready, but prepared. It's still hard, but maybe it will get better. All I know is that things just haven't been the same.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer states the main events very effectively. All of the events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. The author discusses changes that occurred in the home and how they ultimately resulted in personal changes. The audience is thoroughly understood. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. The writer describes personal family relationships with a lot of detail. In the beginning, what happened before the main event is demonstrated very effectively. There is no unnecessary information in the essay. (“ Then my parents began fighting, and I would find my mom crying on the ground. My father was home less and he'd usually leave the house and go out some place with his friends for hours.” “ Then when he does help me clean, it seems like he's always frustrated, and tells me how maybe I should be doing more around the house. Then my sister does nothing now, because over the years, my parents never really enforced any rules upon her.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The essay creates complex characters. It clearly establishes tension/conflict/problem that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. The characters are developed in very effective detail. Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem/conflict. There is very effective information about what happened before and during the event. Details very effectively describe the problem in the essay and why it is a problem. Details also very effectively describe the essay’s solution. (“My mother and I can't have a conversation without her telling me how sorry she feels for herself, and we usually end up fighting. I know that's natural for mothers and daughters, to always fight, but she just gets on my nerves so much. Then my sister, as I said, rules have never been really enforced upon her in the past. And now that my parents are finally trying, she's not really adapting too well to that.” “Sometimes I wish for how it was before when things just seemed better. But I guess because of it now, I'm prepared to deal with problems, maybe not ready, but prepared. It's still hard, but maybe it will get better. All I know is that things just haven't been the same.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It captures readers’ attention with a clever opening. The essay flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. It also has a conclusion that pulls the entire story together. The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab readers’ attention with detail. Transitions are very effectively used to make the beginning creative/exciting. Transitions are used very effectively to connect events. The essay very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning by including very effective background information about the event, and events are clearly in order. There is a very effective ending, and the ending includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“That year in 3rd grade, my parents almost got divorced. That seems to happen to a lot of families lately, but they ended up not going through with it. But sometimes I wonder if our family's truly happy that way. Ever since that time, things just seem off between all of us.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay includes very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. C ompound, complex, and compound- complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Over the years, I couldn't stand the mess, and would try to clean, and try to help out around the place. My mother with her asthma couldn't and can't do much, even though she's the one who makes most of the mess, and can't clean it up. My father is usually out in the garage or banging on his drums. Then when he does help me clean, it seems like he's always frustrated, and tells me how maybe I should be doing more around the house”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. There are a few mistakes in comma usage, but the essay is well within the range of an acceptable ‘6’ for middle school. (“ She was never told to pick up toys or do the dishes. I've always had to. So it gets stressful. My house seems depressing. Everyone's usually moping around. No one does any work, because it just seems strange in a way. My parents talk to each other, only really when they need to now and sometimes it can end up being a free for all.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time in my life when I have experienced conflict was about two weeks ago when my mom told me she was going to have surgery. She told me that I would have to work around the house alot more, and have to take care of my siblings, and do alot to help her get around.

"Okay, this is going to be just fine. I might have to do some more work, so what," I would think to myself. But when the day of the surgery came around I realized that I was wrong. Work was all I did.

I would get home from school, do my homework, watch and play with my little sister, clean the house, and help my mom get around while my dad was working. After one day I was ready for my pain and suffering to be over. I couldn't play with friends, I couldn't go outside, I couldn't play on the computer. I hated life. But, still after one day my mom wasn't ready to get up and do all these things by herself again. So it was up to me, again.

The days went by slowly with me still doing the same routine. I would work and work and work some more, until a week had passed. My mother could finally get up and move by herself and was ready to do all of the work again. That day when I got home from school I did my homework and ran straight to the phone to call a friend, when the second I picked up the phone to dial the number my mom walked out with my sister hanging on her crying while she was trying to clean the house. I could see she was frustrated. That's when I realized that now that I don't have to do all that work, who does? And by just looking at my mom I could already see the answer to my question. She did.

I hung up the phone slowly and realized that I had just experienced what my mom has to do everyday. And what did I use to do to help her? Nothing. I never worked around the house, I never helped watch my sister, I never asked if she needed any help. I never did anything, I was always just thinking about myself and what I wanted to do and what was fun for me. Never once had I even cared.

After my little flash-back was over I walked slowly towards my mom and helped her clean the house, watch and play with my little sister, and help her with everything she needed. And still today I try to do everything in my ability to help my mother, because now I understand what she has always had to do. Now that I now what she is going through I made a promise to myself to never groan and moan when she asks me to do the dishes or vacuum the rug, because she has do more everyday. And still today after three weeks, I have kept that promise!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The essay states the main events well. The writer explains very clearly that his/her view has changed due to the conflict of his/her mother’s surgery. The events that take place before and after the surgery are consistent with the prompt. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. The audience is clear and the essay is written in a formal style. The parts of the story relate to the main event. Details in the essay focus on the main event. The details of the story support the topic and purpose effectively. (“I would get home from school, do my homework, watch and play with my little sister, clean the house, and help my mom get around while my dad was working. After one day I was ready for my pain and suffering to be over. I couldn't play with friends, I couldn't go outside, I couldn't play on the computer.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting. It creates believable characters. The essay establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. Detail is used to develop the main events effectively. The setting and characters are effectively developed with details. There is effective information about what happened before, during, and after the main events. The outcome/resolution is effectively described. (“After my little flash-back was over I walked slowly towards my mom and helped her clean the house, watch and play with my little sister, and help her with everything she needed. And still today I try to do everything in my ability to help my mother, because now I understand what she has always had to do.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The essay flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides readers with a sense of completeness. Transitions are used effectively to connect events. The beginning includes effective background information about the event, and e vents are clearly in order. The essay demonstrates an effective ending, and t he ending effectively states a lesson. (“ The days went by slowly with me still doing the same routine. I would work and work and work some more, until a week had passed. My mother could finally get up and move by herself and was ready to do all of the work again.” “Now that I now what she is going through I made a promise to myself to never groan and moan when she asks me to do the dishes or vacuum the rug, because she has do more everyday. And still today after three weeks, I have kept that promise!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety . C oherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement. (“ I hung up the phone slowly and realized that I had just experienced what my mom has to do everyday. And what did I use to do to help her? Nothing. I never worked around the house, I never helped watch my sister, I never asked if she needed any help. I never did anything, I was always just thinking about myself and what I wanted to do and what was fun for me. Never once had I even cared.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, most sentences end with a punctuation mark, most sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ "Okay, this is going to be just fine. I might have to do some more work, so what," I would think to myself. But when the day of the surgery came around I realized that I was wrong. Work was all I did.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A conflict I have had in my life was... When I was in elementry school I had vary bad luck keeping my friends! It all started when i was in second grade. It was the start of school and well what happened was I had met a friend in first grade. Her name was Afton Ingerson. We became friends in no time! But then the real problem begins. After third grade started there was this new girl that had just moved in and her name was Kristy. And of course being the way Afton is she went and was trying to make her feel welcome and not feel lonely. At first I was fine with it but after a while I started to realize that Kristy was pulling Afton away from being my friend! I didn't like the thought of that.

I told Afton how i felt and she told me to try to get along with Kristy and that she hated the thought that her best friends were fighting. So I tried my best even though I didn't want to. And as time went by I still noticed that Kristy was still trying to take Afton away from me. I would see Kristy go off with Afton and they would talk about me. Well this went on until fourth grade.

My dad took me to go see who my fourth grade teacher was going to be. I got Mrs. Kitchen. I looked to see if any of my other friends were going to be in the same class. I was going down the list and I saw Afton 's name. I was so excited. Then a thought dawned on me... I quickly scrolled down the list to see if Kristy's name was on it. It wasn't! I was so excited. Then I thought that maybe I could get revenge on Kristy. I thought that if Kristy wasn't in our class that I could take back Afton . Well it didn't work to well. So i decided that I would just have to let Afton go.

The funny thing that happened after that was Kristy and I became really good friends! She plays the violin and I play the violin. We were even stand partners in orchestra.

Well there you have it. The whole story. But I didn't really think about how it changed me until sixth grade! I learned and decided that I needed to choose better friends. So i promised myself that in Jr. High I would choose my friends that wouldn't go talk about me behind my back. And now I have friends that are there for me every day. And don't talk behind my back.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the story. The essay states the main event adequately. The events are consistent with a conflict leading to a change in one’s life. (“And as time went by I still noticed that Kristy was still trying to take Afton away from me. I would see Kristy go off with Afton and they would talk about me.”) In the beginning, the supporting events in the essay are adequate. The audience is clear, and the parts of the story relate to the main event. Details about characters are adequate. (“She plays the violin and I play the violin. We were even stand partners in orchestra.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. It establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Adequate detail is used to develop main events. The setting is adequately developed with details, and details adequately describe the problem and solution. The author provides a conclusion that adequately provides closure to the events in the story. (“Well there you have it. The whole story. But I didn't really think about how it changed me until sixth grade! I learned and decided that I needed to choose better friends. So i promised myself that in Jr. High I would choose my friends that wouldn't go talk about me behind my back.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It provides an interesting opening that keeps readers reading. The writing generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The introduction grabs the readers’ attention. The author tells the story in chronological order with a clear beginning, rising action, and ending. At the end of the essay, the author states a lesson he/she has learned. The author adequately connects the conclusion with events that happened in the beginning of the essay. (“ The funny thing that happened after that was Kristy and I became really good friends! She plays the violin and I play the violin. We were even stand partners in orchestra.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ My dad took me to go see who my fourth grade teacher was going to be. I got Mrs. Kitchen. I looked to see if any of my other friends were going to be in the same class. I was going down the list and I saw Afton 's name. I was so excited.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. The essay is not always formal in function, but it does not impede meaning. (“ Then a thought dawned on me... I quickly scrolled down the list to see if Kristy's name was on it. It wasn't! I was so excited. Then I thought that maybe I could get revenge on Kristy. I thought that if Kristy wasn't in our class that I could take back Afton .”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A conflict in my life is with my brother. For example, my brother and I were playing on our trampoline when I suggested that we could wrestle. So we started to wrestle and I think that I threw him down to hard because he started to cry. I went over to him and asked if he was alright and all he did was lay there. For a second I thought that I knocked him out, but then a second later he got up and started to punch me. I was about to hit im back when he ran inside. After about two minutes, my mom came out and told me that I was grounded. I was mad at my brother for telling on me but I knew it was the right thing to do.

On another occasion, I was just playing on my Nintendo DS when my brother came in and asked if I could play with him on his DS too. So we started to play and after a while I turned off. When I turned off, my brother came storming into my room and started to jump on me. I asked why he was jumping on me and he replied, " You turned off when I still wanted to play!" I told him that I didn't want to play because I was tired because the night before i was on a campout, and I was uncomfortable.

I guess that through all the trials my brother and I have been through, we made up with being best friends. I also think that you can easily turn a conflict into a resoultion by just being nice and being your self.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It may provide details that may not be relevant to the story. The writer states the main event, and events in the story are focused on conflict, but are limited in how it results in a positive or negative change. Details about characters are limited. There is limited or no use of dialogue. (“ After about two minutes, my mom came out and told me that I was grounded. I was mad at my brother for telling on me but I knew it was the right thing to do.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. The tension, conflict, or problem may be stated, but it is not developed. The essay contains some dialogue that may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Limited detail is used to develop the main events, and the setting is developed in only limited detail. The plot is limited, and the author only mentions two instances in which he/she and the brother fight, neither of which directly result in a clear resolution. (“I was about to hit im back when he ran inside. After about two minutes, my mom came out and told me that I was grounded. I was mad at my brother for telling on me but I knew it was the right thing to do.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the essay may be broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions may be weak. The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. The essay provides readers with some sense of closure, and it demonstrates a short, limited ending, which does not completely tie into the previous examples provided in the essay. (“ I guess that through all the trials my brother and I have been through, we made up with being best friends. I also think that you can easily turn a conflict into a resoultion by just being nice and being your self.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. The lengths of the sentences are short; the essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ For example, my brother and I were playing on our trampoline when I suggested that we could wrestle. So we started to wrestle and I think that I threw him down to hard because he started to cry. I went over to him and asked if he was alright and all he did was lay there.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The essay should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“I guess that through all the trials my brother and I have been through, we made up with being best friends. I also think that you can easily turn a conflict into a resoultion by just being nice and being your self.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I went on a walk with my family to a nearby park we got locked out. I was only seven. My family wanted to go to the park nearby. When we started to get tired we headed back. My mom locked the door on are way out but we didn't take any keys. I was in love with little mermaid at the time and took my little mermaid, plastic keys with me every where. when my dad tried to open the door it was stuck. My mom thought he was joking so she tried. Soon everyone was pushing on the door. I told my mom that I remembered to take my keys. she was stunned but she nicley explained that my keys only unlock the little locket that came with it. We checked the back door. It was locked too. Then my dad opened the window. My parents pushed and pushed, then the screen finialy broke. The window was really small. Barely big enough for my older sister, Megan to slide through. I wanted to be just like her so I followed her to the front door. My parents and baby brother excitedly awaited. now I take my real house keys everywhere.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may stray from the point of the essay. The essay only minimally states the main event. The audience is often not clear. Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“ The window was really small. Barely big enough for my older sister, Megan to slide through.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The essay lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events. The setting is not developed in detail, characters are not developed in detail, and the plot is only minimally developed. There is little important information about what happens after the main event. (“ I wanted to be just like her so I followed her to the front door. My parents and baby brother excitedly awaited. now I take my real house keys everywhere.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. It demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion. The beginning only minimally grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ When I went on a walk with my family to a nearby park we got locked out. I was only seven. My family wanted to go to the park nearby. When we started to get tired we headed back.”) Transitions are only minimally used to make the beginning creative. The ending only minimally leaves readers with something to think about, and t he ending only minimally attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ now I take my real house keys everywhere.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, t here may be repetition, and t ransitions are needed. (“ she was stunned but she nicley explained that my keys only unlock the little locket that came with it. We checked the back door. It was locked too. Then my dad opened the window. My parents pushed and pushed, then the screen finialy broke. The window was really small.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“We checked the back door. It was locked too. Then my dad opened the window. My parents pushed and pushed, then the screen finialy broke.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When people have conflict usually it means they have problems! Like for an example 'Devorice' ok parents, yes it does affect us kids! you might think it doesn't but o boy does it affect us! Or another example 'moving', why do parents want us to start a new life, make new friends? i mean we alredy have a good life right now why make us start a new one? If you ask us if we want to move and we don't and you haven't alredy put your house up for sale. Try re-thinking, or talking to us about it! so your mom just 'died' don't talk to us, we want and need our time to think about this kinda stuff!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The essay is loosely on topic, but does not state a main event, add supporting events, or make its purpose clear. Virtually no part of the essay relates to the topic. (“If you ask us if we want to move and we don't and you haven't alredy put your house up for sale. Try re-thinking, or talking to us about it! so your mom just 'died' don't talk to us, we want and need our time to think about this kinda stuff!”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The characters are introduced, but they are not developed. It has a lack of tension or conflict, which makes the story uninteresting to follow. There is inadequate detail used to develop the main events. The setting is not developed in detail. There is an inadequate attempt to provide an example to support the idea of a conflict, but it does not clearly result in a change. (“Or another example 'moving', why do parents want us to start a new life, make new friends? i mean we alredy have a good life right now why make us start a new one?”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning and includes no ending. It does attempt to provide readers with a lesson, but it does not tie into the prompt title or any of the events in the story. (“ Try re-thinking, or talking to us about it! so your mom just 'died' don't talk to us, we want and need our time to think about this kinda stuff!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, transitions are needed, and the style is not formal. (“ If you ask us if we want to move and we don't and you haven't alredy put your house up for sale. Try re-thinking, or talking to us about it! so your mom just 'died' don't talk to us, we want and need our time to think about this kinda stuff! ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has e rrors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“When people have conflict usually it means they have problems! Like for an example 'Devorice' ok parents, yes it does affect us kids! you might think it doesn't but o boy does it affect us!”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

How to Avoid Doing Homework

Homework is an essential part of school life. Some students value their homework and work very hard to complete it carefully and accurately, and some really dislike homework and try to think of a million ways to avoid it.

Write a unique story about how a student might avoid homework, and what problems he or she might encounter as a result. Make your story interesting and unusual so that your audience will want to read every word.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

My mother was in honor's algebra. My father got into Harvard University . My brother was top in class... But me? I, Sue Smith, was the queen of tardiness, the dictator of missing assignments, and was guaranteed to repeat the sixth grade. I was a disgrace to everyone in my intellectual family. If you trace back my history of education, I doubt you'll find anything but pitiful grades and pitying teacher comments. Every one of my teachers gave me a comment either saying “It is only right for you to repeat sixth grade,” or that sort. Every one, except for Mrs. O' Connell.

Mrs. O' Connell was my current science and math teacher. She was the only teacher who has not given up on me. She lectures me everyday, “Susan Smith, when you are assigned an assignment, you are expected to do it.” Oh, did I mention that my worst habit is missing homework? I give every excuse to miss homework. If you asked me, “What is the worst part of school?” I would reply “Homework.”

“Sue, Sue, Sue!” I woke in a snap. I stared in the impatient eyes of Mr. Salmon, my english and history teacher.

“Y-yeah, Mr. Salmon? Was I supposed to answer a question?” I rubbed the grogginess from my eyes.

“No, Sue. But I would really appreciate it if you stay awake in my class.” He snapped. He slapped his ruler down on my desk. I gazed at him with apologetic eyes.

“Now class, turn in last night's homework. Anyone who forgot that important essay, will stay in for lunch to do it,” he said with a meaningful look at my direction. I racked my brain for excuses. Bingo, Mr. Salmon loved fish, if my excuse had anything to do with my goldfish (not that I had one) dying... I raised my hand. Mr. Salmon sighed.

“Yes, Miss Smith?” He gazed suspiciously at me.

“I am so sorry Mr. Salmon, but my goldfish... You see, my poor goldfish Skipper died yesterday, and I was terribly sad, so I did not have the heart to do homework,” I lied smoothly, placing the back of my hand dramatically on my forehead. Mr. Salmon seemed to buy it. He laid his hand on is heart.

“My apologies Miss Smith! How selfish I am to make you write an essay when you have a broken heart! You take as long as you want on that essay. In fact, why don't you just write an essay about how close Skipper was to you? Print out a picture of him with you for me, please. I would really want to see it.” He turned my way, emotions flowing out of him. His lower lip trembled. An essay? On a fish I don't even have? With a picture? I was in hot water, not only hot, but boiling.

“Is that really necessary Mr. Salmon? I mean the essay will only remind me more of him, and how much I miss him,” My voice was surprisingly steady, but my eyes were pleading. Mr. Salmon jerked into reality.

“Miss Smith! I knew you are not a fan of homework, but lying? That is out of the question! Class dismissed.” He yelled. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and simpered out of the room before he can increase detention time after school.

Tap, tap, tap. Mrs. O' Connell's classroom was the only class where I didn't fall asleep. I didn't sleep, but I didn't listen either.

“Today, class, we have an assignment- blah, blah, blah...” After the word assignment, I didn't hear anything at all. I started doodling on my notebook. I wasn't even paying attention to my designs. When I looked down on my notebook, I saw I drew Mr. Salmon jumping off a diving board. It wasn't a nice picture, so I quickly stashed it in my desk before the teacher can take a peek at it. I drew a few more doodles on scratches of paper, and then the bell rang. As usual, I was the first one out of the classroom.

I walked along with my best friend to the bus stop. We were bouncing along to the rhythm of my ipod when I had a brilliant idea. I started toward the soccer field.

“Where are you going?” she didn't ask it as a question, but as a suspicion. I looked at her. She was a tiny girl with short brunette hair, and a pixie-like face. She would've made a great Alice Cullen.

“Faking a broken arm,” I replied coolly. I rushed to the soccer field without another word.

Soccer was a sport I despised. Not only did I get bruises on my shins did I play, but I usually get my favorite pair of shoes muddy, or something else. So faking a broken arm scene was not easy. When I entered the field, I could feel every pair of eyes boring down my back. When I asked if I could play, everyone looked at me with vague suspicion. But they let me join. It was the broken arm scene that really went great, though. I cried and screamed and everything. It was brilliant. It got me out of homework for at least a month. When Mrs. O' Connell came over to say that I was expelled out of Foothills, I got the real shock. First, I shrieked, and then I cried.

“Susan? If I let you stay, will you try to finish your assignments?” It wasn't something I would want to do, but I promised . I swore, I gave an oath.

“Okay then, you promised. You may stay.” I threw my arms around her. I knew I got scammed, but I didn't care. I could stay at Foothills, and I would never, ever make an excuse for homework again. Not even if you paid me to do it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The main events are stated effectively and are consistent with how the character avoids homework. Details about locations, people, and events are all relevant to the main idea. The author uses details about her parents’ expectations of her to help build the basis for the story. There is little or no unnecessary information in the story. (“Mrs. O' Connell was my current science and math teacher. She was the only teacher who has not given up on me. She lectures me everyday, “Susan Smith, when you are assigned an assignment, you are expected to do it.” Oh, did I mention that my worst habit is missing homework? I give every excuse to miss homework. If you asked me, “What is the worst part of school?” I would reply “Homework.”)

Content & Development

The story has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The story creates complex characters. It clearly establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. The author uses a large amount of detail to describe the setting, characters, and events. Although not necessary, the author uses dialogue very effectively to communicate the feelings of the various characters. The author provides several examples of how the main character seeks to avoid homework. Finally, the author provides a very effective outcome or solution and states a moral or lesson to the story. (““Today, class, we have an assignment- blah, blah, blah...” After the word assignment, I didn't hear anything at all. I started doodling on my notebook. I wasn't even paying attention to my designs. When I looked down on my notebook, I saw I drew Mr. Salmon jumping off a diving board. It wasn't a nice picture, so I quickly stashed it in my desk before the teacher can take a peek at it. I drew a few more doodles on scratches of paper, and then the bell rang. As usual, I was the first one out of the classroom.”)

Organization

The story has very effective organization. It captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. It has a conclusion that pulls the entire story together. The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation or phrase from a character, flashback, or foreshadowing. In this case, the author provides an in-depth explanation of what is expected of her by parents and teachers. The author very effectively transitions into the main events of the story. There is a clear and linear progression of events. Ways in which the author attempts to avoid doing homework are varied and broken into specific sections, eventually resulting in a climax and conclusion. (““My apologies Miss Smith! How selfish I am to make you write an essay when you have a broken heart! You take as long as you want on that essay. In fact, why don't you just write an essay about how close Skipper was to you? Print out a picture of him with you for me, please. I would really want to see it.” He turned my way, emotions flowing out of him. His lower lip trembled. An essay? On a fish I don't even have? With a picture? I was in hot water, not only hot, but boiling.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; it also uses well-structured and varied sentences. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. The author has a clear sense of style and purpose, which very effectively draws readers to continue reading. (“ My mother was in honor's algebra. My father got into Harvard University . My brother was top in class... But me? I, Sue Smith, was the queen of tardiness, the dictator of missing assignments, and was guaranteed to repeat the sixth grade. I was a disgrace to everyone in my intellectual family. If you trace back my history of education, I doubt you'll find anything but pitiful grades and pitying teacher comments. Every one of my teachers gave me a comment either saying “It is only right for you to repeat sixth grade,” or that sort. Every one, except for Mrs. O' Connell.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has a very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ “Where are you going?” she didn't ask it as a question, but as a suspicion. I looked at her. She was a tiny girl with short brunette hair, and a pixie-like face. She would've made a great Alice Cullen. “Faking a broken arm,” I replied coolly. I rushed to the soccer field without another word.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

No! The weekend is going to end again, that means more homework! I have to think of something fast. Break an arm, pretend to be sick, get hit by a car. Then an idea popped out of my brain. Maybe I could break an arm and pretend to be really sick. That should do the trick, yes that plan is like music to my ears. Then how am I going to break my arm, should I hit myself with a bat and blame it on my sister or I could run in the streets and pretend to be hit by a car. That was brilliant another spectacular plan. I ran in the streets like a mental person and, boom! I was hit by a BMW ca, and I heard a large snap too. That was great I could sew the owner and not do any of my homework. Finally, no more homework for another week, yes!

The next day I was sitting in class with my arm and leg broken, turns out that the impact was too hard the driver had no idea that I was going to ran around in the streets. I told the teacher that I was walking in the streets and at the exact moment I turned a car just bumped into me. She of course took it and I did not have to do any homework for I broke my right hand and arm so it was totally impossible to move even a finger. Then today we were playing softball I missed it all because of my stupid leg and arm were broken. No think on the bright side I have no homework that is good, but then I would have to all of it sooner or later, and how am I going to find a job like this. I can not live like this forever and I have to get a job eventually. Ugh! All this thinking is making my brain all whirling like a tornado. This is so confusing, I hate homework, but if I do not do it there is a good chance that I would live on the streets.

I made up my mind I would start to finish my homework from now on. I asked the teacher how much make up homework did I have to do and she gave a stack of paper that all of it would not even fit in my backpack. I asked "Are you sure that this all my homework?” Like it can belong to someone else.

"You might be right" she checked the stack and only took out six pieces of homework "The one hundred and eighty one pages left is your homework that is due. Try and bring it back finished by Thursday OK?" I nearly fainted.

"Are you sure?" I questioned just to make sure.

"Positive"

"I don't think that I'm going to finish all this I can't even fit it in my backpack, and this is only my English homework!"

"Well that is your problem for not doing it since the beginning of school" I so I left. I went to my math class to get my math home work just to have another three hundred and twenty eight pages more homework. Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this punishment that was a total of about five hundred pages of never ending boring of work?

I went home a started to work as hard as I can 500 pages does not sound that bad, but it took me 8 solid hours just to finish 100 pages of work. I was mostly distracted by my sister who was watching TV. Finally it was Friday and I have about everything finished. I raced to school and gave all 181 pages to my English teacher and the rest to my math teacher. Now I can watch them grade all of them. Finally I was caught up to the class. At last I can relax.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The story states the main event well. Other events are consistent with the prompt. Details are well developed, and clear attention to the audience is evident. There is no or very little unnecessary information in the story. (“The next day I was sitting in class with my arm and leg broken, turns out that the impact was too hard the driver had no idea that I was going to ran around in the streets. I told the teacher that I was walking in the streets and at the exact moment I turned a car just bumped into me. She of course took it and I did not have to do any homework for I broke my right hand and arm so it was totally impossible to move even a finger.”)

Content & Development

The story has good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting. It creates believable characters. The story establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may or may not be used. In this instance, the story uses dialogue to show the character’s interaction with teachers as well as the author’s own internal thought process. The problems the author faces are effectively developed. The author briefly describes what happened before the main events of the story. Characters are developed, but the author could have used additional detail. The outcome of the story is effectively described. (“Finally it was Friday and I have about everything finished. I raced to school and gave all 181 pages to my English teacher and the rest to my math teacher. Now I can watch them grade all of them. Finally I was caught up to the class. At last I can relax.”)

Organization

The story has good organization. The opening of story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides readers with a sense of completeness. The story does attempt to capture the readers’ attention with an interesting opening paragraph. The story immediately attempts to relate what is happening in the character’s mind and how he or she plans to avoid having to do homework. The events of the story are clearly in order. Transitions are used effectively. The story does attempt to break ideas into separate paragraphs, usually ending each paragraph with a concluding remark, allowing for easy transition in the next paragraph. There is an effective conclusion in which the story teaches a lesson, providing some closure for the main character. (“I went home a started to work as hard as I can 500 pages does not sound that bad, but it took me 8 solid hours just to finish 100 pages of work. I was mostly distracted by my sister who was watching TV. Finally it was Friday and I have about everything finished. I raced to school and gave all 181 pages to my English teacher and the rest to my math teacher. Now I can watch them grade all of them. Finally I was caught up to the class.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety . The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. While not as consistent as the level 6 essay, the language used is easy to understand and has effective word choice throughout. (“ I made up my mind I would start to finish my homework from now on. I asked the teacher how much make up homework did I have to do and she gave a stack of paper that all of it would not even fit in my backpack. I asked "Are you sure that this all my homework?” Like it can belong to someone else.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences at this level should be indented when beginning a new paragraph, contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. This story accomplishes this task effectively. (“ "Well that is your problem for not doing it since the beginning of school" I so I left. I went to my math class to get my math home work just to have another three hundred and twenty eight pages more homework. Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this punishment that was a total of about five hundred pages of never ending boring of work?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Hi, my name is Jim. I have a story I would like to tell you. It all started about a year ago when I entered the sixth grade.

It was my first day at school on a Wednesday and I was the only person in the class who came late. That was one of the most embarrassing parts of my day, because when you come in late to a classroom full of sixth graders, everyone will stare and gawk at you.

I adjusted my glasses that kept falling off my face and picked out an empty seat. My frizzy puff-ball hair stood out abnormally-oticed at least that when I looked over a sea of straight dark hair. The teacher asked me to stand up and say my name, birthplace, and birthday.

After my first day of school was finished, I came home to a boat load of homework! Boy, having five different teachers and seven different classes could really catch up with you! I lifted my backpack all the way upside down and watched a waterfall of papers pour out of it.

"Hmm," I mumbled to myself, " I wonder how I could make all this homework just go away?" Just as the words hit my lips, my good trusting dog, Fido, came to me. Ah, an idea. I took Fido by the collar and signaled for him to follow me.

"Hey Fido. You sound awful hungry, how would you like a nice big bowl of--Homework!" He scrunched his face away from the stack of papers I held in my hands, "Oh, come on boy! Please! Please, I'll give you a backrub!" I let go of Fido's collar and watched him skid away from me.

"Hey, Mom!" I called, " Do we still have the frying pan?!"

"Yeah! Why?" she questioned as she walked down the stairs.

"I have a science project to do that needs a pan." I explained through a lying set of teeth.

"Fine, be careful," and she disappeared up the stairs. I poured some oil into the frying pan I found in one of the lower cabinets. As the pan heated up I ran to get my homework assignments. I took the first page and dropped it in the pan. Almost instantly it caught on fire!

"Ah!" I screamed. I ran to the place where I kept a fire extinguisher. As I sprayed some gooey foam on the pan I'd noticed something? The paper wasn't on fire, it was sitting neatly in a pan that wasn't greased or oiled. I reached in to lift the paper and it was in fact not even crinkled in the slightest of ways! I pinched myself just to be sure I wasn't dreaming. Nope, I wasn't.

I guess some things are better left unharmed!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the story. Although not very creative on its own merit, the story does attempt to provide some detail to the main character’s plan to feed the homework to the dog. The main events are stated adequately, and sufficient background information is provided to give context. All parts of the story relate to the prompt task. The setting and characters are adequately developed. The use of dialogue adequately advances the narrative. The story’s narrative is in order, but provides only adequate details, which occasionally makes some of the events unclear. (“"Ah!" I screamed. I ran to the place where I kept a fire extinguisher. As I sprayed some gooey foam on the pan I'd noticed something? The paper wasn't on fire, it was sitting neatly in a pan that wasn't greased or oiled. I reached in to lift the paper and it was in fact not even crinkled in the slightest of ways!”)

Content & Development

The story has adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The story creates believable characters. It establishes tension, conflict, or a problem, which holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Details about the main character’s thought process are adequately developed. Dialogue is used to advance the plot and the main character’s proposed solution to the homework problem. Although there is minimal character development, the story does provide an adequately developed plot and conclusion. (“"Hey Fido. You sound awful hungry, how would you like a nice big bowl of--Homework!" He scrunched his face away from the stack of papers I held in my hands, "Oh, come on boy! Please! Please, I'll give you a backrub!" I let go of Fido's collar and watched him skid away from me.”)

Organization

The story has adequate organization. It provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The introduction, while basic, does attempt to provide some basic introduction for readers. Transitions are used adequately throughout the story. Events are clearly in order. There is clearly a middle period where the author attempts to think of a solution to the problem. After the main character implements his or her plan, the story concludes with an adequately stated lesson or moral. Paragraphs are generally broken down by topic and successfully separate ideas. (“ "Hmm," I mumbled to myself, " I wonder how I could make all this homework just go away?" Just as the words hit my lips, my good trusting dog, Fido, came to me. Ah, an idea. I took Fido by the collar and signaled for him to follow me.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied, and w ord choices are sometimes poor. (“ I adjusted my glasses that kept falling off my face and picked out an empty seat. My frizzy puff-ball hair stood out abnormally-oticed at least that when I looked over a sea of straight dark hair. The teacher asked me to stand up and say my name, birthplace, and birthday.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Most sentences at this level should have a subject and a verb, should end with a punctuation mark, and should be indented when beginning a new paragraph. Sentences in this essay begin with capital letters. (“ After my first day of school was finished, I came home to a boat load of homework! Boy, having five different teachers and seven different classes could really catch up with you! I lifted my backpack all the way upside down and watched a waterfall of papers pour out of it.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

How I avoid doing homework

I sat quietly in my seat when it happend the teacher turned around and then. He said where is your homework.' I simply said 'It fell int my fireplace.' Then I pulled out a coal coverd paper. He laughed and said 'Are you ever going to turn in your homework' 'maybe'

After school my best friend and I walked oyver to my house. She asked 'How do you always have proff of what happened to your homework.' I said to her 'When I tell my mother that I'm doing my homework I find a way to ruin it, so I can't do my homework.' 'Your brillant I would have never thought of that in a million years.' So after we got done talking I tried to think of what I should do for the homework that was due that weekend.

When we got home i grabed my homework and asked her to follow me. She grabbed her homework and followed me. Then she asked 'What's your pln this time?' As we walked into the kitchen. I grabbed her homework and turned on the stove. 'What are you doing!' she cried. 'I'm going to cath them on fire and then throw them into the sink and will say that we were cooking are snack and they caught on fire.' She started to laugh and then said. 'Okay'

On Monday we walked into class and sat down. I looked up and saw that we had a sub. When she got to me to turn in the homework I told her what happend. She said 'Yeah right.' And then handed me a detention slip.I said 'WHAT!!!!!!' She turn around and said see you in detinion. The next day after detention I came in with another excuse and the teacher bought it. She said to me 'How was detention.' 'It was okay.' And for the rest of the year I didn't do my homework.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. The main event of the story is stated, but the audience is not always clear. Some events do not relate to the main event and details are minimally developed. Dialogue is not used effectively and information about the characters is limited. What is happening in the story is not always clear. (“After school my best friend Marlicia and I walked oyver to my house. She asked 'How do you always have proff of what happened to your homework.' I said to her 'When I tell my mother that I'm doing my homework I find a way to ruin it, so I can't do my homework.' 'Your brillant I would have never thought of that in a million years.' So after we got done talking I tried to think of what I should do for the homework that was due that weekend.”)

Content & Development

The story has limited content and development. It provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. The tension, conflict, or problem may be stated, but it is not developed. It has some dialogue, and the plot is simple and lacks a sufficient conclusion. There is some development of the events that occurred before the main event, but details are limited. (“I sat quietly in my seat when it happend the teacher turned around and then. He said where is your homework.' I simply said 'It fell int my fireplace.'”)

Organization

The story has limited organization. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Its transitions may be weak. It provides the readers with some sense of closure. The author does attempt to split ideas or certain events into their own paragraphs. Furthermore, there is an attempt to provide an introduction, body, and conclusion. There is a limited ending, but it lacks creativity. There is little attempt to get and keep the readers’ attention throughout the story. (“When we got home i grabed my homework and asked her to follow me. She grabbed her homework and followed me. Then she asked 'What's your plan this time?' As we walked into the kitchen. I grabbed her homework and turned on the stove. 'What are you doing!' she cried.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. There are some serious problems with language use in this story. The story contains run-on sentences, lacks transitions, and is not formal. It does not communicate the purpose of the story to the audience. (“I sat quietly in my seat when it happend the teacher turned around and then. He said where is your homework.' I simply said 'It fell int my fireplace.' Then I pulled out a coal coverd paper. He laughed and said 'Are you ever going to turn in your homework' 'maybe'”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The story should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. This story does attempt to organize ideas, but spelling and punctuation often interfere with the story’s message. (“When we got home i grabed my homework and asked her to follow me. She grabbed her homework and followed me. Then she asked 'What's your pln this time?'”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

"Ugh", I groaned, I'm not even done with math homework. I felt to tired, it was about 11 into the night, and I said to myself "I'll finish this in the morning. RING, RING! I shut my alarm and groaned because I still had to do math homework, but then I thought of a brilliant idea, why not try to skip school. It ws spring time and the flu was going around. I read in a book about someone trying to skip school, they used a hair dryer to warm up their forehead, then put the themometer in hot water. Deciding to myself, why not? I took a shower, for the excuse for using the hair dryer. I used the hair dryer on my forehead for 20

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story. The main event is stated, but very quickly, and there are few supporting events. This particular essay does attempt to provide a creative opening with the sound of an alarm clock signaling that time was almost up for the main character to complete his or her homework. Details are minimally developed. Although some of the details may have contributed to an overall story if it were longer, as it is now, there are many unrelated details. (“Deciding to myself, why not? I took a shower, for the excuse for using the hair dryer. I used the hair dryer on my forehead for 20”)

Content & Development

The story has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are only described rather than developed. There may be details or information in the essay that detracts from the story. There is a lack of tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. The setting is not developed in detail. There are no characters aside from the main character. The plot is only minimally developed. There is little important information about what happened before or after the main event. (“It ws spring time and the flu was going around. I read in a book about someone trying to skip school, they used a hair dryer to warm up their forehead, then put the themometer in hot water. Deciding to myself, why not?”)

Organization

The story has minimal organization. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The narrative demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion. The beginning only minimally grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Transitions are not used. Background information is not present. There is no attempt to distinguish the introduction, body, and conclusion. There is no ending, and the story appears to be incomplete. (“ Deciding to myself, why not? I took a shower, for the excuse for using the hair dryer. I used the hair dryer on my forehead for 20”)

Language Use & Style

The story has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. T ransitions are needed, and the story should include more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal. Sentences are not formal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The story has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The author does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“It ws spring time and the flu was going around. I read in a book about someone trying to skip school, they used a hair dryer to warm up their forehead, then put the themometer in hot water.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

The clock was tickin and schoo was almost over, to bad it was only monday.Ring.The bell rang. " This as a lot of homework" my friend Jeff told me,"I can't believe how much Mr. Weables gave us"." Hey Matt do you think that we should do some thing about it?" He asked."I don't know Call me tonight and we could think of ideas," I said. " Oh,call some friends to think of Ideas.

That night I called Jeff and my other friend Michael to think of ideas.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The author provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. There does seem to be an attempt to build a story around the idea of friends getting together to discuss possibilities of avoiding homework, but it is barely mentioned. There are no supporting events and no attempt is made to progress the narrative past the introduction. (“,"I can't believe how much Mr. Weables gave us"." Hey Matt do you think that we should do some thing about it?" He asked."I don't know Call me tonight and we could think of ideas,"”)

Content & Development

The story has inadequate or no content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The characters are introduced, but they are not developed. It has a lack of tension or conflict, which makes the story uninteresting to follow. There is inadequate detail used to develop the main events of the story. The setting is not developed in detail. The characters are not developed in detail, and there are inadequate sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“The clock was tickin and schoo was almost over, to bad it was only monday.Ring.The bell rang. " This as a lot of homework" my friend Jeff told me,"I can't believe how much Mr. Weables gave us".”)

Organization

The story has inadequate organization. There is little or no attempt to separate ideas. The beginning does not creatively grab the readers’ attention because it does not include a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The beginning does not include background information about the event. The story demonstrates no ending, and there is little attempt to use paragraphs. (“ Hey Matt do you think that we should do some thing about it?" He asked."I don't know Call me tonight and we could think of ideas," I said. " Oh,call some friends to think of Ideas.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, transitions are needed, and the style is not formal. The author might consider writing in third person instead of in first person. The author attempts to communicate the story through dialogue, but the lack of organization makes this style especially hard to follow. (“ He asked."I don't know Call me tonight and we could think of ideas," I said. " Oh,call some friends to think of Ideas.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has e rrors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The story does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“The clock was tickin and schoo was almost over, to bad it was only monday.Ring.The bell rang. " This as a lot of homework" my friend Jeff told me,"I can't believe how much Mr. Weables gave us"." Hey Matt do you think that we should do some thing about it?"”)

Learning From Experience

We learn many things from experience. Think about an experience that you had that taught you an important lesson. What was the experience? What lesson did you learn from this experience? Write an essay about an experience you had and the important lesson you learned from it.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Driving Safely

It was our fourth game of Risk at the Taylors ’ beach house during a summer a few years ago, and a torrential storm showed no sign of letting up. Rain battered windows that had seen better times while a slight draft spread through the house. A gloomy feeling hung in the air and settled upon everyone in the cottage.

“I’m so bored! This game is getting really old!” my god sister, Su Rei, cried with frustration as I eliminated the last of her armies from the game board on the kitchen table for the third time. “I’ve got to do something else or I’ll explode!”

Six sets of eyes turned to look at her. “Can we finish the game first? I’m winning... again,” Rei’s blonde cousin, Robin, said smugly.

“You are not,” Robin’s brother bickered from his end of the table. Simon had just turned fifteen and did everything he could to irk is sister who was three years his senior. “Besides, you may have won the last game, but only because I was going so easy on you.”

“Simon, Robin!” my godparents warned for the umpteenth time that afternoon. Lindsay and Riley had always enjoyed the siblings’ company; however, this was the first time in numerous years that they had had custody of the entire group, or the Munchkin Bunch as Lindsay teasingly called us: Simon, Robin, Su Rei, my brother, and me. At that point, my thus far taciturn sibling Eric spoke up.

“It’s raining, it’s cold, and most of us are bored. What do you say to a trip to the movie theater?” Normally, Eric never suggested things like this under someone else’s roof, but the fact that he had showed everyone how evidently desperate he was for a change in scenery.

“Hey, that’s a good idea,” Riley said, standing slowly and stretching. “Pile into the car, kids.”

Eagerly, we followed his example. We only slowed when Robin threw open the front door, greeted by a sheet of coastal rain water.

“Close that door this instant!” Lindsay exclaimed. Even Riley was stunned at the commanding voice that had issued from Lindsay’s small figure. “Coats, everyone,” she said, tossing everyone warm windbreakers after Robin had wrestled the door closed. “No excuses,” she cut Su Rei off with a maternal glance. “I’m not sending you all home in a few days to have your parents ask me why you’re sick,” she said defensively.

“But you are my parent,” Rei grumbled.

“Exactly.”

After Lindsay was sure everyone was warm, she allowed us through the door. The downpour had yet to cease, and it had created a steady stream of water trickling down the gutter, onto the driveway and beneath the car. Riley jumped into his rickety Chrysler Plymouth and unlocked the doors. Although Simon was extremely short for his age, I was the youngest and smallest of the bunch, and therefore always the final person to step into the vehicle.

As I stamped my feet, trying to keep warm, I heard a loud snort from inside, and Su Rei groaned. “Looks like we’re stuck with the worst,” she muttered to me. “Again.”

Meanwhile, I had become thoroughly sodden; the previously warm jacket I wore did not keep out the growing chill. Shivering, I ducked my head into the car and scowled.

Riley and Lindsay sat in the driver’s and passenger’s seats. Somehow, Simon had managed to squeeze between them, smirking as his guardians shifted awkwardly. The three back seats were filled by the rest: Robin and Su Rei controlled the window seats while Eric balanced precariously between them.

“I guess we should take two cars instead,” Lindsay said hesitantly. “Or I could just stay here.”

“No way! This is a family thing, we’re all going. Besides, two cars would be a waste of gas,” Riley declared with finality. “It’s not like we’re going to get pulled over!”

“Mei, looks like you’ll have to sit on either Rei’s or Robin’s lap,” Lindsay sighed, using my old nickname.

How do I always find myself in the worst situations? I thought as I mentally slammed my head into an imaginary brick wall.

After a considerable amount of arguing, I finally sat uneasily on Rei’s lap. As soon as we had pulled out of the cottage’s cobbled driveway, Robin glanced behind us and swore.

“It’s a cop!” she yelled. Eric swiftly covered Rei’s face with my dripping hood which muffled her protests.

“Hey, it’s no big deal.” Riley tried to calm us down, but he failed miserably. “I bet we’re all overreacting. He isn’t following us!” Under his breath, Riley added, “He’d better not be following us.” Lindsay gave him an apprehensive glance.

For the next two miles, we drove in silence. I watched as the tough pine-like costal trees passed by and periodically glanced behind us to watch the police car. It was still following Riley’s Plymouth closely, and I imagined a shady looking officer sitting behind the tinted windows, observing every move we made.

“Can I take my face out of this hood?” Rei gasped. “I’m losing oxygen here!” She pulled the material from herself and sighed. Eric, Simon, and Robin were staring at her; I still looked out of the window.

“He’s getting closer,” I whispered. “Rei, we’re Siamese twins connected by the shoulder if anyone asks!”

“I’m three years older than you!” she burst out indignantly.

“Shh!” Eric and Robin said. Both of them had their faces glued to the mottled rear window as if they were playing a fascinating video game. Silence reigned throughout the vehicle, and I began absently scrutinizing passing buildings and the odd looking trees once more. Rei had pulled my hood over her head again. The others were all watching the officer behind us warily.

After what seemed like hours, the police car finally pulled into a shopping mall. Lindsay sighed with relief, and Su Rei coughed and uncovered her head for a second time.

“That was better than any movie!” Simon exclaimed. Suddenly, we all laughed. Eric was so amused by our earlier predicament that by the time we had parked at the movie theater, tears were streaming down his face. However, despite our mirth, each of us had learned our lesson. None of us, especially me, were willing to experience another “cop episode.” After we had watched a film at the theater, Riley and Lindsay drove back to the cottage, brought back two cars, and drove us home in two separate vehicles. Since then, each and every one of us has been particularly careful about driving safely.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this humorous cautionary tale, the author describes the importance of following safe driving protocol. The story teaches an important lesson (“ Since then, each and every one of us has been particularly careful about driving safely.”) that clearly demonstrates the author’s understanding of the task and its purpose. Going beyond the limits of this prompt, the author has effectively completed all parts of the assignment.

Content & Development

The author is very effective at describing in detail the events of the story, the setting, as well as the characters. The student thoroughly describes the “torrential storm” she and her family suffered through. (“ Meanwhile, I had become thoroughly sodden; the previously warm jacket I wore did not keep out the growing chill. Shivering, I ducked my head into the car and scowled.”) The climax of the story takes place when the entire family is packed into a small automobile, and they fear that a police officer is following them. (“For the next two miles, we drove in silence. I watched as the tough pine-like costal trees passed by and periodically glanced behind us to watch the police car. It was still following Riley’s Plymouth closely, and I imagined a shady looking officer sitting behind the tinted windows, observing every move we made.”) Dialogue is also used effectively in this response to reveal the characters’ thoughts and actions.

Organization

This essay is effectively organized. The introductory paragraph quickly thrusts the reader into the middle of this experience and describes the setting for the author’s narrative to follow. (“ It was our fourth game of Risk at the Taylors ’ beach house during a summer a few years ago, and a torrential storm showed no sign of letting up. Rain battered windows that had seen better times while a slight draft spread through the house. A gloomy feeling hung in the air and settled upon everyone in the cottage. ”) The body paragraphs are logically organized, and the conclusion, if anything, is appropriately understated-– after the story the author has told, there is no need to over-emphasize the lesson the author learned---the reader has already “gotten it.” (“ None of us, especially me, were willing to experience another ‘cop episode.’ After we had watched a film at the theater, Riley and Lindsay drove back to the cottage, brought back two cars, and drove us home in two separate vehicles. Since then, each and every one of us has been particularly careful about driving safely. ”)

Language Use & Style

This author uses effective language and develops a distinctive and personal style. An appropriate use of humor is seen throughout the story. (“ ’No excuses,’ she cut Su Rei off with a maternal glance. ‘I’m not sending you all home in a few days to have your parents ask me why you’re sick,’ she said defensively. ‘But you are my parent,’ Rei grumbled. ‘Exactly.’”) Sentences are well-structured and incorporate good word choice. (“How do I always find myself in the worst situations? I thought as I mentally slammed my head into an imaginary brick wall. After a considerable amount of arguing, I finally sat uneasily on Rei’s lap. As soon as we had pulled out of the cottage’s cobbled driveway, Robin glanced behind us and swore.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates very effective control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Few errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation are even noticeable and certainly do not detract from the author’s intended message in any way.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My seventh grade year at mountain ridge junior high I did not do very well in school. In previous years of schooling I was a straight A student but as for now I was a staight F student. My parents and teachers were worried and gave me many suggestions to help but I ignored them thinking I was fine and I could fix it easily. I was totally wrong.

I started off the quarter doing fine but the first quarter came to an end and around came the second quarter.

I started to do horribly. I started with not studying the best I could and I became lazier and lazier. Next, I barely turned in assignments. After a little while it became so bad I hardly turned in assignments if any! The next thing that Istarted to lack was paying attention. I became carefree and the school called my house with their concerns.

I soon noticed that my grades were falling like an 1,000 pound weight dropped from an air plane. That is when I realized extremely hard work was required to fix my grades. So really had to get to work. That is when I gathered all my late and not turned in asssignments. The total amount of papers I had gathered was over 50! I felt horrible and I thought of many “shoulds” and “should haves” instead of getting to work. That didn't help me catch up at all. I soon noticed that my laziness and carefree personality had to go.

That certain quarter taught me some very obvious lessons and some almost hidden lessons. Some obvious lessons were study, listen and turn in assignments. Those things are the most basic things to succeeding in school. They can also help you earn an easy A. Listening leads to turning assignments, because you know what to do, and then turning in assignments leads to doing better on tests, which tests can be an important part of your total grade. They all lead to each other. That is some of what I learned on the obvious lessons. Some hidden lessons are school is an important part of life so do it well, parents can help, and assignments can help in many, many ways.

To prevent this same situation from happening again I am going become organized, more scheduled, and more concentrated on schoolwork. My binder and backpack will be cleaned out and organized by class periods. I will write in my planner and it will be checked every day by my parents. My time will be scheduled and it will be based on school. My time will include homework and extra time. Last quarter I was focused on friends and my extra activities after school. During class I will take notes on things the teacher is saying and I will try to not talk to my friends during class.

My failure was unacceptable to me and there are 1000 apologies to all my teachers who had to deal with all the late work and many thank you's to all the teachers who helped me. My actions are changing to make me a better person. I will work harder and I will never let this happen again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a g ood narrative that communicates an appropriate message to the desired audience. Both the experience described by the author and the lesson it contained are common ones among middle school students (“ In previous years of schooling I was a straight A student but as for now I was a staight F student. My parents and teachers were worried and gave me many suggestions to help but I ignored them thinking I was fine and I could fix it easily. I was totally wrong ”). This author maintains a focused argument that responds to both the purpose and audience of this prompt, and thus the author completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In the essay, the author uses sufficient appropriate details to describe the author’s growing problem in school (“ I started to do horribly. I started with not studying the best I could and I became lazier and lazier. Next, I barely turned in assignments. After a little while it became so bad I hardly turned in assignments if any ”). When it comes time to discuss the lessons s/he learned from this experience, the author begins to show some deeper insight into the meaning of the event by noting the different kinds of lessons it brought it to light (“ That certain quarter taught me some very obvious lessons and some almost hidden lessons. Some obvious lessons were study, listen and turn in assignments … Some hidden lessons are school is an important part of life so do it well ”). The author completes the writing assignment by describing some of the practical changes that s/he plans to implement in the future (“ To prevent this same situation from happening again I am going become organized, more scheduled, and more concentrated on schoolwork ”).

Organization

This essay is pretty well organized. The introduction and conclusion adequately focus and refocus the reader’s attention on the controlling theme (“ My actions are changing to make me a better person. I will work harder and I will never let this happen again ”), and the body paragraphs support a unified structure overall.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style overall is appropriate for this task, but the author has crafted a number of awkward and fragmented sentences that could be improved (“ The next thing that Istarted to lack was paying attention ” and “ So really had to get to work ”). Still, the words the author uses are appropriate and the author demonstrates a contrite voice and a clear sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer generally controls the c onventions and mechanics of writing. What errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ asssignments ”) there are do not interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I was born my mom and dad probably knew that I was a klutz. From falling down the stairs, falling of my bed, running into walls, and slipping on mopped floors, I am NOT proud of my clumsiness! I have had this “ gift ” my whole life! It may not be my fault but it is even harder when I have grown up to be 5 foot 3 inches.

So when will I learn to control my clumsiness? I have a very hurtful history, and now I will tell you about one of my most famous stories of all called: “ The Macaroni cheese ” story …

Once when I was young, I had a little accident. I was eating macaroni and cheese with my aunt Melia, my brother Steve, and my sister Ashley. My mom and dad went out to eat with the extended family while Melia baby sat us. Know my aunt makes a very good batch of macaroni and cheese so we were very happy. Of course my brother had seconds and thirds (he always eats so much more then everyone else) .

Now it was my turn for seconds so I got on the table and saw that there was plenty left so I ask Melia if she would get me more, but she said no so I decided to get my own and then I lost my balance and fell off of the table and onto the floor. It scared me when I fell. I have not fallen from that high before. I didn't know if I should laugh ,or cry. So I did both. But all everyone did was laugh, which mad me sad.

From learning from this I do not get on the table any more with my food. From now on I know that if I have food I will stay safe on the ground, and some day I will find out how to control everything else.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The message this author has to present to the reader is simple, yet adequate for the audience and purpose of this writing prompt. The author does not lose focus on the controlling theme as this narrative unfolds (“ From learning from this I do not get on the table any more with my food. From now on I know that if I have food I will stay safe on the ground, and some day I will find out how to control everything else”). Thus, the author has adequately completed the assigned task.

Content & Development

Sufficient relevant details are woven into this story to help the reader appreciate the macaroni and cheese incident (“Once when I was young, I had a little accident. I was eating macaroni and cheese with my aunt Melia, my brother Steve, and my sister Ashley … I decided to get my own and then I lost my balance and fell off of the table and onto the floor. It scared me when I fell ”). This essay could be improved, however, if more detail about the lessons learned was provided by the author toward the end of the essay (“ From learning from this I do not get on the table any more with my food ”).

Organization

This essay’s organizational scheme is unremarkable, yet adequate. The introduction and conclusion sufficiently state and restate the author’s controlling theme (“So when will I learn to control my clumsiness? I have a very hurtful history, and now I will tell you about one of my most famous stories”) and the body is chronologically organized. Transitional devices are used with some success to improve the flow of the ideas in the essay (“Once when I was young … Now it was my turn ”).

Language Use & Style

The author d emonstrates appropriate language use and word choice in this essay. The author’s voice is augmented by the effective use of humor throughout the essay to describe his/her clumsiness (“ I have had this “ gift ” my whole life ” and “ some day I will find out how to control everything else ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the c onventions and mechanics of writing is pretty good. Few distracting errors can be detected in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“ I didn't know if I should laugh ,or cry ”), or spelling that interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Don't ever smoke out in the open because you never know who could be driving by, and don't smoke it just because all your friends are doing it.

It was Friday in the afternoon and my friends Monshea, Maruim, Mercedes, Nye, and Duebie stopped by to see if I wanted to come outside. At first I was not going to come out, but they talk me into coming out. Since it was a nice outside we decided to walk to the park, when we got there Nye who was eighteen pulled out a blunt that was called black and mild. I never had it before but the rest of them did them did so they start smoking it, and Duebie who was only seven took about five puffs. "Boy" when I saw that I was in shock, then that when it around to me I said no, then thats when everybody was like stop being a chicken, Mercedes and Duebie did it and they're only seven and ten so how come you can't do it. I will never listen to theem again because soon as I put that thing to my mouth, guess who showed up my mother. All I heard was Dameka your better get your behind in this right now. She was coming to tell me that she was going to the store and she will be back. I figured something was going that is why I didn't want to do it in the first place. Then I said goodbye to everybody and got in the car, when we got home my mother tore my hiney up. Now that is an experience that I learned, don't do something that you are not suppose to do just to fit in.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay introduces a promising theme but fails to communicate it to the reader fully. The author has developed a narrative that discusses an all-too-common experience with peer pressure linked to smoking, but is largely unable to draw a convincing lesson from this experience (“ Don't ever smoke out in the open because you never know who could be driving by, and don't smoke it just because all your friends are doing it ”). While the essay appears to be properly addressed to the intended audience, the author only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

Some details are provided to help the reader appreciate the author’s experience with smoking (“ Since it was a nice outside we decided to walk to the park, when we got there Nye who was eighteen pulled out a blunt that was called black and mild ”). But the second part of the task, that dealing with the lesson that was learned from the experience, is left mostly undeveloped. The author was caught smoking by his/her mother, but the lesson learned remains superficial at best (“ Then I said goodbye to everybody and got in the car, when we got home my mother tore my hiney up. Now that is an experience that I learned, don't do something that you are not suppose to do just to fit in ”).

Organization

While the author’s story appears to flow logically from beginning to end, the author has only developed two short paragraphs, a quick introduction and a more significant body paragraph. This relative lack of organization makes it difficult for the reader to distinguish the different parts of the author’s narrative.

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to accurately and creatively manipulate the English language is limited. Generally simple language and multiple basic mistakes in word choice and sentence structure decidedly debase the quality of this response (“ At first I was not going to come out, but they talk me into coming out ” and “ All I heard was Dameka your better get your behind in this right now. She was coming to tell me that she was going to the store and she will be back. I figured something was going that is why I didn't want to do it in the first place ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author is l imited in his/her ability to control the conventions an d mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“ "Boy" when I saw that I was in shock, then that when it around to me I said no, then thats when everybody was like stop being a chicken, Mercedes and Duebie did it and they're only seven and ten so how come you can't do it ”), punctuation, and spelling (“ theem ”) interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Never cheat on somone

You should never cheat on somone, because it hurt's the person you cheated on. Also, it makes you feel bad. The reason I am doing this is because I cheated on somone that really like me. That is what the person said to me. But I really do like him a lot.

Now I know how it feels to be cheated on cause at the time he told me he was cheating on me. Also I feel really really bad for doing that to him cause I liked him a lot.

He cheated on me by going out with another girl while he was going out with me. Also tha other girl was one of my friends.

I cheated on him by going out with another boy while I was going out with him.

So never cheat on somone that you really like.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author’s central theme, the value of fidelity in a relationship, is an important one for young people. Unfortunately, the author has created a narrative that is limited in what it has to say about this issue. The author suggests a c ontrolling idea (“ You should never cheat on somone, because it hurt's the person you cheated on ”) but because the author only minimally understands the purpose and audience of this prompt, s/he fails to fully develop a response to it and thus completes little of the assigned task.

Content & Development

Few supporting details are woven into the author’s narrative to make it meaningful to the reader. The author mentions that both parties in the relationship were unfaithful to each other, but has little more to say about how that situation developed (“T he reason I am doing this is because I cheated on somone that really like me … Now I know how it feels to be cheated on cause at the time he told me he was cheating on me ”). Moreover, other than simply restating the lesson learned (“ So never cheat on somone that you really like ”), the author makes no attempt to insinuate this lesson into the story in an interesting and vivid manner.

Organization

This essay is fragmented, with jumbled sentences standing alone and failing to contribute to an organized whole. There is little evidence of a unified structure – the introduction and conclusion are undeveloped and few transitional devices are used to improve the flow of the essay.

Language Use & Style

The author’s l anguage style is generally poor. The sentences are simple and repetitive (“ He cheated on me by going out with another girl while he was going out with me ... I cheated on him by going out with another boy while I was going out with him ”), and the author’s choice of words is frequently inappropriate (“ Also I feel really really bad for doing that to him cause I liked him a lot ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s ability to control the c onventions and mechanics of writing is minimal. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“ because it hurt's the person ”), and spelling (“ Also tha other girl ”) are present that substantially detract from the quality of the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When i was 4 years old my mom told me to nevr give my cat a bath alone and with hot water.

well one day when i was playing with my cousing at his house we were playing with the cat on the dirt wield i was playing with my cat i had a bucket next to me then i fielded with dirt and pore it all over the cat after a wield the dirt was all dry also the cats hair was turned into dry dirt and his hair was all brown.

The very same moment i told my cousin if he wanted to help me

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This narrative inadequately communicates with the intended audience. The author suggests a controlling theme in the opening sentence (“ my mom told me to nevr give my cat a bath alone and with hot water”), but fails to return to this theme throughout the rest of the narrative. The author also fails to show how the brief, disjointed experience described in the second paragraph became a learning experience. Ultimately, this author com pletes no parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The story the author tells is not very detailed and fails to connect to a larger learning experience. As it is written, it is hard for the reader to understand exactly what the author was doing with the cat and what lesson was learned from this (“ i had a bucket next to me then i fielded with dirt and pore it all over the cat after a wield ”).

Organization

This essay is inadequately organized. No meaningful introduction or conclusion has been supplied by the author. The lone body paragraph is composed of a single run-on sentence. Indeed, it appears that this essay may be incomplete, as the final sentence appears to trail off (“ The very same moment i told my cousin if he wanted to help me”). There is no evidence that the author has used transitional devices to assist the flow of the essay.

Language Use & Style

The author’s inability to wield the English language is obvious in this essay. Much of the essay is unclear and incoherent, and major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage inhibit the writer’s ability to communicate with the intended audience (“ then i fielded with dirt and pore it all over the cat after a wield the dirt was all dry also the cats hair was turned into dry dirt and his hair was all brown ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author lacks the ability to write in a manner that conforms to the c onventions and mechanics of written English. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Note, for example, how the second paragraph is written without any regard to the rules of punctuation or capitalization, among other things.

Lewis and Clark Expedition Summary

The Louisiana Purchase doubled the size of the United States. President Thomas Jefferson sent the Lewis and Clark Expedition into Louisiana to explore what it contained. While looking at a map showing the route of the Lewis and Clark Expedition, write a summary describing how these explorers arrived at the coastline of the Pacific Ocean. Write this description as a narrative, mentioning the physical features that they came across during their explorations.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Bridge to Tomorrow

It was a cold morning. St. Louis breeze tickled my cheeks in the early hours of the day. The men that Clark had recruited were going to be antsy about waking up early and having to stand there in the cold. The only thing keeping me warm was the fiery anticipation of our exploration of the Louisiana Territory. My companion, William Clark, had recruited four dozen men to take the journey with us. I could hear the yelling and laughing rising from the misty, frosted air. Clark and our men had arrived. Raring to go, they swiftly gathered supplies and provisions for the long journey. William and I had been preparing for this day for an entire year. My heart rattled in my chest like cobra stalking its prey. President Jefferson had put a lot of faith in us to navigate the new frontier of his country. The boat that we had been supplied for us government was a massive fifty-five foot keelboat. We hopped in, and once the rowing and cheering began, I knew we were in for a wild ride.

I had been studying the rock formations and the soil of this Louisiana Territory while William charted courses and maps of our journey up the Missouri River. Our first leg was quiet, we hadn't seen one Indian so far. One month passed and on our third leg, we ran into an Indian tribe that greeted us warmly but demanded our boat if we wished to pass. Clark and I drew our artillery, scaring this tribe away. Not all Indian tribes were like this. On our fifth leg, our Corps of Discovery camped out at Fort Mandan (North Dakota), bartered with the Indians, and they taught us much about the West, which we knew we had the responsibility of exploring. We appreciated the insight, for we were harbored in a harshly frigid winter. William and I then were granted a huge privilege. An Indian woman named Sacagawea, her husband, our interpreter, and their baby son joined us on our mission. These Indians would help us navigate throughout the unknown abyss of Western America.

Our next leg, our sixth, was interesting. Sacagawea had warned that our route went through an area that had many Grizzly bears dwelling in it. I didn't think it would be that bad, I mean, we had arrows; they didn't stand a chance! I realized I was wrong when a Grizzly angrily pursued me about eighty yards into the woods before some of my corps-mates wounded him. After we meandered through the Grizzly wilderness, I laid my eyes on the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen. That seventh leg was, by far, one of the best. I had never seen mountains so gorgeous as these. The majestic purple Rocky Mountains glistened in the gleaming sunlight as we trekked west. Another magnificent sight was ahead. Our ninth leg took us through The Great Falls in Montana that ran in the Missouri River The Great Falls took me a while to navigate around these incredibly beautiful falls, but I eventually met up with William and the Corps. As our Corps journeyed west for our eleventh leg, we came across Shoshone Indians. Ironically, Sacagawea was the Shoshone chief's brother! She helped interpret and bargain with them, and by the end of our encounter with the Shoshone, we had horses! Unfortunately, William needed to hand over a fair amount of his self-defense to pay for the horses. Even without William Clark's powerful weaponry, our corps was happier than ever hearing the idea of riding on horseback. Our objective was becoming realistically achievable every leg we ventured.

Inching ever so closer to the Pacific, our Corps traveled into the Bitterroot Valley by our twelfth leg. Eager to obtain more horses to make the trek all the more easier, we bought more horses from a band of Flathead Indians, yet most of horses were starving in the powdery white snow that glided from the clouds. We discovered a part of the valley that was bountiful in roots and herbs for the horses. We exited the Bitterroot Valley after eleven days and headed west along the Snake River, which branched into the Columbia River. Our thirteenth leg was arguably the most important of them all. William, Sacagawea, Sacagawea's family, the Corps, and I were almost there. The only obstacle in our way was getting through the Cascades; a mountain range that Sacagawea had told us was "The Gateway to the Pacific", unlike St. Louis, that was known as "The Gateway to the West". That's when I knew our journey was complete. Jefferson had assigned us to explore the Louisiana Territory from St. Louis to the Pacific Ocean. It made perfect sense! Trekking through the Cascades, we gazed upon a river too wide and too long for us to comprehend. The Pacific Ocean. Mr. William Clark and I were proud that we fulfilled our duties, succeeding through our president's trust and pushing through all of the obstacles that came in our way. Our fourteenth leg was primarily winter on the Pacific coast, for William and I had decided it was best to assemble a fort for that coming winter. As I fell asleep on the eve of our departure from the Pacific Coast, I dreamt of what this country would like when our expansion reached the West. The next morning, I opened my eyes, came back to reality, rounded up the Corps, and headed East. East to home.

We ventured east the same way we ventured west, passing by the Bitterroot Valley, the magnificent Rocky Mountains, the Great Falls, and our old Mandan fort. On our nineteenth leg, Clark and I split up to gain ground faster. His horses mysteriously disappeared, and the clear culprits were the Crow Indians. Even without horses, we came back together and prepared for the home stretch of the exploration. Our twenty-second leg brought our Corps home to St. Louis greeted with a warm welcome from enthusiastic Americans. There couldn't have been a better place for Americans to gather and celebrate expansion and the endless possibilities of America's Western future. St. Louis was known as "The Gateway to the West". I felt like it was more than that to Americans eager to move west. It was a bridge to tomorrow.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer establishes and maintains an insightful central idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she completes all parts of the task using descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer reflectively showcases Lewis and Clark's expedition and pays particular attention to the physical features they discover on their journey to the Pacific Ocean.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer describes many of the physical features the explorers see as they make their way to the Pacific Ocean. ("Our next leg, our sixth, was interesting. Sacagawea had warned that our route went through an area that had many Grizzly bears dwelling in it. I didn't think it would be that bad, I mean, we had arrows; they didn't stand a chance! I realized I was wrong when a Grizzly angrily pursued me about eighty yards into the woods before some of my corps-mates wounded him. After we meandered through the Grizzly wilderness, I laid my eyes on the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen. That seventh leg was, by far, one of the best. I had never seen mountains so gorgeous as these. The majestic purple Rocky Mountains glistened in the gleaming sunlight as we trekked west.")

All of the details in the story focus on Lewis and Clark's expedition to the Pacific Ocean. The readers are pulled into the scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the main characters' experiences. ("As our Corps journeyed west for our eleventh leg, we came across Shoshone Indians. Ironically, Sacagawea was the Shoshone chief's brother! She helped interpret and bargain with them, and by the end of our encounter with the Shoshone, we had horses! Unfortunately, William needed to hand over a fair amount of his self-defense to pay for the horses. Even without William Clark's powerful weaponry, our corps was happier than ever hearing the idea of riding on horseback. Our objective was becoming realistically achievable every leg we ventured.")

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer's supporting details very effectively communicate the experiences of the explorers as they worked to fulfill their obligation to President Jefferson. ("Trekking through the Cascades, we gazed upon a river too wide and too long for us to comprehend. The Pacific Ocean. Mr. William Clark and I were proud that we fulfilled our duties, succeeding through our president's trust and pushing through all of the obstacles that came in our way. Our fourteenth leg was primarily winter on the Pacific coast, for William and I had decided it was best to assemble a fort for that coming winter. As I fell asleep on the eve of our departure from the Pacific Coast, I dreamt of what this country would like when our expansion reached the West. The next morning, I opened my eyes, came back to reality, rounded up the Corps, and headed East. East to home.")

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with multiple characters who round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem and walks the readers through each leg of the journey and the experiences at each location heading toward the Pacific Ocean. In doing so, the writer heightens the readers' suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used to reveal characters' thoughts.

The characters included in the writer's examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes Sacagawea to demonstrate the important role she played in the success of Lewis and Clark's expedition. ("Our ninth leg took us through The Great Falls in Montana that ran in the Missouri River The Great Falls took me a while to navigate around these incredibly beautiful falls, but I eventually met up with William and the Corps. As our Corps journeyed west for our eleventh leg, we came across Shoshone Indians. Ironically, Sacagawea was the Shoshone chief's brother! She helped interpret and bargain with them, and by the end of our encounter with the Shoshone, we had horses! Unfortunately, William needed to hand over a fair amount of his self-defense to pay for the horses. Even without William Clark's powerful weaponry, our corps was happier than ever hearing the idea of riding on horseback. Our objective was becoming realistically achievable every leg we ventured.")

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, the writer sets the stage for the excitement that was building as the expedition began. ("It was a cold morning. St. Louis breeze tickled my cheeks in the early hours of the day. The men that Clark had recruited were going to be antsy about waking up early and having to stand there in the cold. The only thing keeping me warm was the fiery anticipation of our exploration of the Louisiana Territory. My companion, William Clark, had recruited four dozen men to take the journey with us. I could hear the yelling and laughing rising from the misty, frosted air. Clark and our men had arrived. Raring to go, they swiftly gathered supplies and provisions for the long journey. William and I had been preparing for this day for an entire year. My heart rattled in my chest like cobra stalking its prey. President Jefferson had put a lot of faith in us to navigate the new frontier of his country.")

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about many physical features encountered by the explorers as they made their way to the Pacific Ocean. ("Sacagawea had warned that our route went through an area that had many Grizzly bears dwelling in it. I didn't think it would be that bad, I mean, we had arrows; they didn't stand a chance! I realized I was wrong when a Grizzly angrily pursued me about eighty yards into the woods before some of my corps-mates wounded him. After we meandered through the Grizzly wilderness, I laid my eyes on the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen. That seventh leg was, by far, one of the best. I had never seen mountains so gorgeous as these. The majestic purple Rocky Mountains glistened in the gleaming sunlight as we trekked west. Another magnificent sight was ahead. Our ninth leg took us through The Great Falls in Montana that ran in the Missouri River The Great Falls took me a while to navigate around these incredibly beautiful falls, but I eventually met up with William and the Corps.")

Organization

The narrative's organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers' attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers' attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the first day of the expedition and all the excitement surrounding it. ("It was a cold morning. St. Louis breeze tickled my cheeks in the early hours of the day. The men that Clark had recruited were going to be antsy about waking up early and having to stand there in the cold. The only thing keeping me warm was the fiery anticipation of our exploration of the Louisiana Territory. My companion, William Clark, had recruited four dozen men to take the journey with us. I could hear the yelling and laughing rising from the misty, frosted air.")

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. ("After we meandered through the Grizzly wilderness, I laid my eyes on the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen. That seventh leg was, by far, one of the best. I had never seen mountains so gorgeous as these. The majestic purple Rocky Mountains glistened in the gleaming sunlight as we trekked west. Another magnificent sight was ahead. Our ninth leg took us through The Great Falls in Montana that ran in the Missouri River The Great Falls took me a while to navigate around these incredibly beautiful falls, but I eventually met up with William and the Corps. As our Corps journeyed west for our eleventh leg, we came across Shoshone Indians. Ironically, Sacagawea was the Shoshone chief's brother! She helped interpret and bargain with them, and by the end of our encounter with the Shoshone, we had horses! Unfortunately, William needed to hand over a fair amount of his self-defense to pay for the horses.")

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the end of the expedition and the promises the future held for the budding country. ("Our twenty-second leg brought our Corps home to St. Louis greeted with a warm welcome from enthusiastic Americans. There couldn't have been a better place for Americans to gather and celebrate expansion and the endless possibilities of America's Western future. St. Louis was known as 'The Gateway to the West'. I felt like it was more than that to Americans eager to move west. It was a bridge to tomorrow.")

Language Use & Style

The writer employs precise language choices to effectively illustrate Lewis and Clark's experiences on the expedition leading to the Pacific Ocean. (" Inching ever so closer to the Pacific, our Corps traveled into the Bitterroot Valley by our twelfth leg. Eager to obtain more horses to make the trek all the more easier, we bought more horses from a band of Flathead Indians, yet most of horses were starving in the powdery white snow that glided from the clouds. We discovered a part of the valley that was bountiful in roots and herbs for the horses. We exited the Bitterroot Valley after eleven days and headed west along the Snake River, which branched into the Columbia River. Our thirteenth leg was arguably the most important of them all. William, Sacagawea, Sacagawea's family, the Corps, and I were almost there. The only obstacle in our way was getting through the Cascades; a mountain range that Sacagawea had told us was 'The Gateway to the Pacific', unlike St. Louis, that was known as 'The Gateway to the West'. That's when I knew our journey was complete.")

Complex sentence structures and descriptive details add to the effectiveness of the writer's story. (" The majestic purple Rocky Mountains glistened in the gleaming sunlight as we trekked west. Another magnificent sight was ahead. Our ninth leg took us through The Great Falls in Montana that ran in the Missouri River The Great Falls took me a while to navigate around these incredibly beautiful falls, but I eventually met up with William and the Corps. As our Corps journeyed west for our eleventh leg, we came across Shoshone Indians. Ironically, Sacagawea was the Shoshone chief's brother! She helped interpret and bargain with them, and by the end of our encounter with the Shoshone, we had horses! Unfortunately, William needed to hand over a fair amount of his self-defense to pay for the horses. Even without William Clark's powerful weaponry, our corps was happier than ever hearing the idea of riding on horseback.")

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. For example, the readers can feel Lewis's anticipation as he sets off on the first leg of the expedition. (" It was a cold morning. St. Louis breeze tickled my cheeks in the early hours of the day. The men that Clark had recruited were going to be antsy about waking up early and having to stand there in the cold. The only thing keeping me warm was the fiery anticipation of our exploration of the Louisiana Territory. My companion, William Clark, had recruited four dozen men to take the journey with us. I could hear the yelling and laughing rising from the misty, frosted air. Clark and our men had arrived. Raring to go, they swiftly gathered supplies and provisions for the long journey. William and I had been preparing for this day for an entire year. My heart rattled in my chest like cobra stalking its prey. President Jefferson had put a lot of faith in us to navigate the new frontier of his country. The boat that we had been supplied for us government was a massive fifty-five foot keelboat. We hopped in, and once the rowing and cheering began, I knew we were in for a wild ride.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (" Sacagawea had warned that our route went through an area that had many Grizzly bears dwelling in it. I didn't think it would be that bad, I mean, we had arrows; they didn't stand a chance! I realized I was wrong when a Grizzly angrily pursued me about eighty yards into the woods before some of my corps-mates wounded him. After we meandered through the Grizzly wilderness, I laid my eyes on the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen. That seventh leg was, by far, one of the best. I had never seen mountains so gorgeous as these.")

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

The offer of Louisiana from the French was a big surprise to me. At first, I wanted to buy the port of New Orleans. The farmers and merchants have complained for years about how it was essential for trade and delivering. So I finally asked Napoleon Bonaparte if we could buy it from France. We were not in good terms with the French, which led me to think that I would have a tough negotiation on my hands. So when his offer of all of Louisiana for only 15 million was brought to the table, I was ecstatic. I had to find a way to buy the land even though it didn't state in the Constitution that Presidents had the power to do so. Nevertheless, I stretched the rules of the document and bought it. To explore the new land and see if there was a water passage to the Pacific, I appointed my private secretary, Captain Meriwether Lewis, to get together an expedition. I gave him 2,500 dollars to get supplies and allowed him to appoint a co-leader and assemble a crew. He and his men started their perilous journey at St. Louis on May 14, 1804.

Captain Lewis and his co-leader, Captain Clark, had 50 men on the onset of the journey. They went into the unknown land of the Louisiana territory with a keelboat and two pirogues. After they left Camp Dubois, they traveled onto the Missouri River upstream from the Mississippi. The corps traveled up river recording new animals, geography, plants and making relations with Indians. The first Indian encounter occurred on August 3, with the Otto tribe. On August 20, the first and only death of the expedition transpired when Sergeant Charles Floyd died of a burst appendix. An encounter with the Indians to go awry was with the Teton Sioux. After a peaceful talk and exchange of gifts, the Indians refused to let Clark return to the boat. After they noticed that the men were preparing to fight the tribe let him go. Almost 6 months of pulling and towing the boat, the expedition stopped at the home of the Mandans. The Mandan encounter went very well and the group made Fort Mandan their winter home. Captain Lewis and Captain Clark hired Toussaint Charbonneau and his wife Sacagawea as interpreters and guides.

On April 7, 1805, the expedition resumed their journey up the Missouri river. Some of the party went back to St. Louis while the permanent 33 stayed. In the beginning of June, the expedition came to a fork in the river. After a few days of studying and scouting, Lewis and Clark picked the South fork which proved to be the right choice. On June 13, the group laid eyes on the Great Falls of the Missouri River. Captain Lewis described the sight, "As we passed on, it seemed as though the visionary enchantment would never end. " The fall's beauty was all that was pleasing for the corps. There proved to be no way around the falls, and the group was forced to portage around it. It took 1 month to trek the 19 miles around. This turned out to be the most difficult part of the trip. The men had to carry the boats while stepping on prickly pears and encountering poisonous snakes. I highly respected these men for the determination and selflessness they showed on this mission. On July 4th, the group celebrated the end of their long haul around the Falls and Independence day. In August, Sacagawea noticed some landmarks and the group reached the continental divide. They also found Sacagawea' people and they negotiated for some of their horses. The group crossed the Bitterfoot Mountains which turned out to be one of the hardest stretches of the journey. They went through the rugged terrain with snow on the ground. Getting to the Columbia River, the expedition finally went with the current. They reached the Pacific and Captain Clark stated, "Ocean in view! Oh the joy!" At the end of the year, the corps stayed in Fort Clatsop for the winter.

At the end of a long, uneventful, and rainy winter, the men moved back up the Columbia and reached the Nez Perce in May. Soon after crossing the Bitterfoots again, the group split up as Lewis went north to look for a route to Canada and Clark explored the Yellowstone. Lewis and his men confronted eight Blackfeet warriors trying to steal from them and killed two. It was the only bloodshed on the journey. Lewis and Clark reunited and sailed with the current at up to 70 miles a day. They reached Fort Mandan and said goodbye to Charbonneau, Sacagawea and her baby. On September 23, the group reached St. Louis to cheering citizens who recently thought the men were dead. All the men were given rewards and land.

The Corps of Discovery changed the United States by discovering the new land and gave America a claim on the Oregon territory. The group produced maps of the territory and the way to the Pacific. They found new species of plants, animals, and they found great landmarks. It opened up many possibilities of settling and interest in the region. As President, I was very proud of the decision to create an expedition.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. He/she establishes and maintains a clear, central idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The descriptions and details provided are all relevant to the story, and most parts of the task are completed.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on Lewis and Clark's expedition to explore the new land obtained through the Louisiana Purchase. ("The offer of Louisiana from the French was a big surprise to me. At first, I wanted to buy the port of New Orleans…I had to find a way to buy the land even though it didn't state in the Constitution that Presidents had the power to do so. Nevertheless, I stretched the rules of the document and bought it. To explore the new land and see if there was a water passage to the Pacific, I appointed my private secretary, Captain Meriwether Lewis, to get together an expedition. I gave him 2,500 dollars to get supplies and allowed him to appoint a co-leader and assemble a crew. He and his men started their perilous journey at St. Louis on May 14, 1804.")

Most parts of the story relate to the main event. ("On July 4th, the group celebrated the end of their long haul around the Falls and Independence day. In August, Sacagawea noticed some landmarks and the group reached the continental divide. They also found Sacagawea' people and they negotiated for some of their horses. The group crossed the Bitterfoot Mountains which turned out to be one of the hardest stretches of the journey. They went through the rugged terrain with snow on the ground. Getting to the Columbia River, the expedition finally went with the current.")

Some of the details focus on many of the physical features encountered by the group as they made their way to the Pacific Ocean. ("In the beginning of June, the expedition came to a fork in the river. After a few days of studying and scouting, Lewis and Clark picked the South fork which proved to be the right choice. On June 13, the group laid eyes on the Great Falls of the Missouri River. Captain Lewis described the sight, 'As we passed on, it seemed as though the visionary enchantment would never end. ' The fall's beauty was all that was pleasing for the corps. There proved to be no way around the falls, and the group was forced to portage around it. It took 1 month to trek the 19 miles around.")

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and introduces the readers to believable characters who impact the story. The writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers' suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used effectively to reveal the characters' thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main characters as they explore the new land purchased by Thomas Jefferson. ("Captain Lewis and his co-leader, Captain Clark, had 50 men on the onset of the journey. They went into the unknown land of the Louisiana territory with a keelboat and two pirogues. After they left Camp Dubois, they traveled onto the Missouri River upstream from the Mississippi. The corps traveled up river recording new animals, geography, plants and making relations with Indians.")

The setting is effectively developed with details. (" On June 13, the group laid eyes on the Great Falls of the Missouri River. Captain Lewis described the sight, 'As we passed on, it seemed as though the visionary enchantment would never end. ' The fall's beauty was all that was pleasing for the corps. There proved to be no way around the falls, and the group was forced to portage around it. It took 1 month to trek the 19 miles around. This turned out to be the most difficult part of the trip. The men had to carry the boats while stepping on prickly pears and encountering poisonous snakes. I highly respected these men for the determination and selflessness they showed on this mission.")

The plot is effectively developed. ("At the end of a long, uneventful, and rainy winter, the men moved back up the Columbia and reached the Nez Perce in May. Soon after crossing the Bitterfoots again, the group split up as Lewis went north to look for a route to Canada and Clark explored the Yellowstone. Lewis and his men confronted eight Blackfeet warriors trying to steal from them and killed two. It was the only bloodshed on the journey. Lewis and Clark reunited and sailed with the current at up to 70 miles a day. They reached Fort Mandan and said goodbye to Charbonneau, Sacagawea and her baby. On September 23, the group reached St. Louis to cheering citizens who recently thought the men were dead. All the men were given rewards and land.")

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story cleverly engages the readers. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides the readers with a sense of completeness.

The writer effectively engages the readers' attention in the beginning by cleverly narrating the story from President Jefferson's perspective. (" The offer of Louisiana from the French was a big surprise to me. At first, I wanted to buy the port of New Orleans. The farmers and merchants have complained for years about how it was essential for trade and delivering. So I finally asked Napoleon Bonaparte if we could buy it from France. We were not in good terms with the French, which led me to think that I would have a tough negotiation on my hands. So when his offer of all of Louisiana for only 15 million was brought to the table, I was ecstatic. I had to find a way to buy the land even though it didn't state in the Constitution that Presidents had the power to do so.")

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (" At the end of a long, uneventful, and rainy winter, the men moved back up the Columbia and reached the Nez Perce in May. Soon after crossing the Bitterfoots again, the group split up as Lewis went north to look for a route to Canada and Clark explored the Yellowstone. Lewis and his men confronted eight Blackfeet warriors trying to steal from them and killed two. It was the only bloodshed on the journey. Lewis and Clark reunited and sailed with the current at up to 70 miles a day.")

The story includes an effective ending. (" The Corps of Discovery changed the United States by discovering the new land and gave America a claim on the Oregon territory. The group produced maps of the territory and the way to the Pacific. They found new species of plants, animals, and they found great landmarks. It opened up many possibilities of settling and interest in the region. As President, I was very proud of the decision to create an expedition.")

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with strong voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (" We were not in good terms with the French, which led me to think that I would have a tough negotiation on my hands. So when his offer of all of Louisiana for only 15 million was brought to the table, I was ecstatic. I had to find a way to buy the land even though it didn't state in the Constitution that Presidents had the power to do so. Nevertheless, I stretched the rules of the document and bought it. To explore the new land and see if there was a water passage to the Pacific, I appointed my private secretary, Captain Meriwether Lewis, to get together an expedition. I gave him 2,500 dollars to get supplies and allowed him to appoint a co-leader and assemble a crew.")

Coherent style and tone ensure the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (" Captain Lewis and his co-leader, Captain Clark, had 50 men on the onset of the journey. They went into the unknown land of the Louisiana territory with a keelboat and two pirogues. After they left Camp Dubois, they traveled onto the Missouri River upstream from the Mississippi. The corps traveled up river recording new animals, geography, plants and making relations with Indians. The first Indian encounter occurred on August 3, with the Otto tribe. On August 20, the first and only death of the expedition transpired when Sergeant Charles Floyd died of a burst appendix. An encounter with the Indians to go awry was with the Teton Sioux. After a peaceful talk and exchange of gifts, the Indians refused to let Clark return to the boat.")

The writer employs good word choices to convey many of the physical features observed by the crew as they made their way to the Pacific Ocean. (" In the beginning of June, the expedition came to a fork in the river. After a few days of studying and scouting, Lewis and Clark picked the South fork which proved to be the right choice. On June 13, the group laid eyes on the Great Falls of the Missouri River. Captain Lewis described the sight, 'As we passed on, it seemed as though the visionary enchantment would never end. ' The fall's beauty was all that was pleasing for the corps. There proved to be no way around the falls, and the group was forced to portage around it. It took 1 month to trek the 19 miles around. This turned out to be the most difficult part of the trip.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the story. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer's message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (" On July 4th, the group celebrated the end of their long haul around the Falls and Independence day. In August, Sacagawea noticed some landmarks and the group reached the continental divide. They also found Sacagawea' people and they negotiated for some of their horses. The group crossed the Bitterfoot Mountains which turned out to be one of the hardest stretches of the journey.")

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

May 14, 1804, we started up the Missouri River on the "Corps of Discovery." President Jefferson has assigned us this task and we could not have done it without the Louisiana Purchase. We are accompanied with six soldiers and ten french boat men. Through out our whole expedition we happened to have traveled quite a long way, through many states, and through many territories. While rafting down the river we had to avoid sandbars and floating trees. We persuaded a Frenchman to go north with us to help contact the Sioux Indians. We will reach Montana in 1805 and we almost got into a boat accident. A dangerous gust of wind blew the dug out over and all the important documents, science instruments, medicine, and books got lost. Fortunately, our boat did not sink and survived the vigorous winds.

Many of our men died during the way but never fear we made plans for appriopriate funerals. Sargeant Charles Floyd died during the way he was buried in Iowa. It's the final week of August and we have made it to the edge of the Great Plains filled with many wild animals. We ran into a couple of Indian tribes some were hostile, but others were quite nice and grateful of our coming. We established a lot of relations with nations about two dozen. We hear of the assault that the Sioux did, they burned forty lodges and killed 75 Omaha Indians. We have had missing supplies and also one of our horses is missing we believe that this is the Sioux's doing. We now continue our journey into the Arikara territory.

We are now in North Dakota were our party built Fort Mandan. Tensions rised and Lewis and Clark prepared to fight, but they both fell back in the end. That's when we met a French Canadian fur trapper Toussaint Chabot and his wife Sacagawea. Along the way Sacagawea helped translate with other Indian tribes, and she also helped guide us. We have traveled a long way and have now reached Fort Clatsop in Oregon.

The Corps traveled back home with canoes. After crossing the Continental Divide the Corps divided into two groups so that Lewis could adventure through the Marias River. Lewis went with a group of four men and along the way they met the Blackfeet nation. Later that day they tried to raid us of our weapons. We are now in the Crow's territory and our horses have been stolen without a Crow in sight. We reached Yellowstone and we regrouped with Lewis and Clark. While reuniting one of our hunters mistook Lewis as a elk and fired therefore injuring Lewis is the thigh. We have reached St. Louis in September 23, 1806. We have now reached our destination on the coastline of the Pacific Ocean.

In conclusion, we have traveled through many states, have met different Indian tribes, and faced many challenges along the way. From our preparation in 1802 til September 23, 1806, we have encountered many problems but had to struggle to get through all of them. In the end, our hard work has paid off. The task President Jefferson has assigned has been completed. We traveled from the Missouri River to the coastline of the Pacific Ocean.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she establishes and maintains a central idea by providing descriptions and details that are relevant to the story. By doing so, the writer reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, and adequately completes many parts of the task.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. ("May 14, 1804, we started up the Missouri River on the 'Corps of Discovery.' President Jefferson has assigned us this task and we could not have done it without the Louisiana Purchase. We are accompanied with six soldiers and ten french boat men. Through out our whole expedition we happened to have traveled quite a long way, through many states, and through many territories.")

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. ("We are now in North Dakota were our party built Fort Mandan. Tensions rised and Lewis and Clark prepared to fight, but they both fell back in the end. That's when we met a French Canadian fur trapper Toussaint Chabot and his wife Sacagawea. Along the way Sacagawea helped translate with other Indian tribes, and she also helped guide us. We have traveled a long way and have now reached Fort Clatsop in Oregon. The Corps traveled back home with canoes. After crossing the Continental Divide the Corps divided into two groups so that Lewis could adventure through the Marias River. Lewis went with a group of four men and along the way they met the Blackfeet nation.")

Details in the story focus on the main event. ("We reached Yellowstone and we regrouped with Lewis and Clark. While reuniting one of our hunters mistook Lewis as a elk and fired therefore injuring Lewis is the thigh. We have reached St. Louis in September 23, 1806. We have now reached our destination on the coastline of the Pacific Ocean. In conclusion, we have traveled through many states, have met different Indian tribes, and faced many challenges along the way. From our preparation in 1802 til September 23, 1806, we have encountered many problems but had to struggle to get through all of them. In the end, our hard work has paid off.")

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The story includes a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer establishes some tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers' suspense for what will happen in the story. The response reads as a personal narrative, but the writer could have employed the use of dialogue to bring the exchanges between the characters to life.

The writer's use of dialogue in the narrative is lacking. The writer misses the opportunity to enrich the story with dialogue between characters. ("We are now in North Dakota were our party built Fort Mandan. Tensions rised and Lewis and Clark prepared to fight, but they both fell back in the end. That's when we met a French Canadian fur trapper Toussaint Chabot and his wife Sacagawea. Along the way Sacagawea helped translate with other Indian tribes, and she also helped guide us. We have traveled a long way and have now reached Fort Clatsop in Oregon.")

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. ("Many of our men died during the way but never fear we made plans for appriopriate funerals. Sargeant Charles Floyd died during the way he was buried in Iowa. It's the final week of August and we have made it to the edge of the Great Plains filled with many wild animals. We ran into a couple of Indian tribes some were hostile, but others were quite nice and grateful of our coming. We established a lot of relations with nations about two dozen. We hear of the assault that the Sioux did, they burned forty lodges and killed 75 Omaha Indians.")

The writer briefly provides conflicts in the story when horses are stolen and Clark gets shot in the leg. ("We are now in the Crow's territory and our horses have been stolen without a Crow in sight. We reached Yellowstone and we regrouped with Lewis and Clark. While reuniting one of our hunters mistook Lewis as a elk and fired therefore injuring Lewis is the thigh. We have reached St. Louis in September 23, 1806. We have now reached our destination on the coastline of the Pacific Ocean.")

Organization

There is adequate organization in the narrative. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story's ending gives the readers a sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers' attention by providing some pertinent background information. (" May 14, 1804, we started up the Missouri River on the 'Corps of Discovery.' President Jefferson has assigned us this task and we could not have done it without the Louisiana Purchase. We are accompanied with six soldiers and ten french boat men. Through out our whole expedition we happened to have traveled quite a long way, through many states, and through many territories.")

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story's events to their ultimate conclusion. ("After crossing the Continental Divide the Corps divided into two groups so that Lewis could adventure through the Marias River. Lewis went with a group of four men and along the way they met the Blackfeet nation. Later that day they tried to raid us of our weapons. We are now in the Crow's territory and our horses have been stolen without a Crow in sight. We reached Yellowstone and we regrouped with Lewis and Clark. While reuniting one of our hunters mistook Lewis as a elk and fired therefore injuring Lewis is the thigh.")

The conclusion contains a summary that gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (" In conclusion, we have traveled through many states, have met different Indian tribes, and faced many challenges along the way. From our preparation in 1802 til September 23, 1806, we have encountered many problems but had to struggle to get through all of them. In the end, our hard work has paid off. The task President Jefferson has assigned has been completed. We traveled from the Missouri River to the coastline of the Pacific Ocean.")

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (" While rafting down the river we had to avoid sandbars and floating trees. We persuaded a Frenchman to go north with us to help contact the Sioux Indians. We will reach Montana in 1805 and we almost got into a boat accident. A dangerous gust of wind blew the dug out over and all the important documents, science instruments, medicine, and books got lost. Fortunately, our boat did not sink and survived the vigorous winds.")

The writer's voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that describes many of the places and people encountered during Lewis and Clark's trek toward the Pacific Ocean. (" It's the final week of August and we have made it to the edge of the Great Plains filled with many wild animals. We ran into a couple of Indian tribes some were hostile, but others were quite nice and grateful of our coming. We established a lot of relations with nations about two dozen. We hear of the assault that the Sioux did, they burned forty lodges and killed 75 Omaha Indians. We have had missing supplies and also one of our horses is missing we believe that this is the Sioux's doing. We now continue our journey into the Arikara territory.")

The writer's word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (" The Corps traveled back home with canoes. After crossing the Continental Divide the Corps divided into two groups so that Lewis could adventure through the Marias River. Lewis went with a group of four men and along the way they met the Blackfeet nation. Later that day they tried to raid us of our weapons. We are now in the Crow's territory and our horses have been stolen without a Crow in sight. We reached Yellowstone and we regrouped with Lewis and Clark. While reuniting one of our hunters mistook Lewis as a elk and fired therefore injuring Lewis is the thigh. We have reached St. Louis in September 23, 1806. We have now reached our destination on the coastline of the Pacific Ocean.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the writer's message.

The writer should ensure sentences begin with capital letters, have subject-verb agreement, and end with appropriate punctuation marks. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (" We are now in North Dakota were our party built Fort Mandan. Tensions rised and Lewis and Clark prepared to fight, but they both fell back in the end. That's when we met a French Canadian fur trapper Toussaint Chabot and his wife Sacagawea. Along the way Sacagawea helped translate with other Indian tribes, and she also helped guide us.")

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Spring, Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana Purchase from N. Bonaparte for $15 million. It was three cents an acre. He wanted Meriwether Lewis to guide the trail. He picked the best friend he had, William Clark to help him on his trail. Then they made their name to be THE CORPS OF DISCOVERY. How Lewis and Clark reached the Pacific Ocean. They took some food like deer meat to eat and something to drink, and they also took some buffalo meat. They spent the night at the Mandan Indians, and made peace with them. Corps found a girl named Sacagawea (sac*A*g*A*we*a) also met her husband Charbonneau. He was French. Sacagawea was their guide, and she had a baby boy, named Pompy. Charles Floyd was the only person to die because of appendix, but now we know to heal the people who have appendix.

They were at the Missouri River which they were having trouble tying to get across it. Well, because it is a rapid zone. That's also where Charles Floyd died. When they where on the Missouri River they had to bring supplies like food, water, protection, and life jackets.

Then, They also came across the Great Falls. It also has rapid waters. They had to go around the Great Falls because of high cliffs. This great thing that helped them get to the Pacific Ocean, it is in Montana. The great Falls is close to where the Shoshones used to live. They filled their water at the water fall. Then they went to the Columbia River.

Last, On November, they reach the Pacific Ocean. The co-captain, William Clark, said ''Ocean in view!'' Then all the slaves started getting excited. The Pacific O. had all kinds of things. Like dangerous predators such as Alligator, a giant bird such as a big flock of birds, a poisoned snakes. They also had to watch out for bears and also strangers. Because they might steal the baby.

A YEAR LATER..... Then they went home to celebrate. They gave Jefferson all he needed, to see what was there. What they did was they saw what they wanted their leader to be happy. Clark kept drawing maps and saw that he could put them in a museum and let everyone see that he expored the southwest. Lewis was very happy he helped Sacagawea with her baby coming out. He also helped mostly with being the main captain.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains a limited central idea and demonstrates some understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides only a few descriptions and details that would give the readers a clear understanding of the writer's message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. ("Spring, Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana Purchase from N. Bonaparte for $15 million. It was three cents an acre. He wanted Meriwether Lewis to guide the trail. He picked the best friend he had, William Clark to help him on his trail. Then they made their name to be THE CORPS OF DISCOVERY. How Lewis and Clark reached the Pacific Ocean.")

The writer's focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on the physical features that the explorers encountered during their expedition to the Pacific Ocean. ("Then, They also came across the Great Falls. It also has rapid waters. They had to go around the Great Falls because of high cliffs. This great thing that helped them get to the Pacific Ocean, it is in Montana. The great Falls is close to where the Shoshones used to live. They filled their water at the water fall. Then they went to the Columbia River.")

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she mentions some of the physical features encountered but does not provide sufficient details to assist the readers in imagining these features throughout the narrative. In providing more relevant details, the readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer's mind. ("Last, On November, they reach the Pacific Ocean. The co-captain, William Clark, said 'Ocean in view!' Then all the slaves started getting excited. The Pacific O. had all kinds of things. Like dangerous predators such as Alligator, a giant bird such as a big flock of birds, a poisoned snakes. They also had to watch out for bears and also strangers. Because they might steal the baby. A YEAR LATER..... Then they went home to celebrate. They gave Jefferson all he needed, to see what was there. What they did was they saw what they wanted their leader to be happy. Clark kept drawing maps and saw that he could put them in a museum and let everyone see that he expored the southwest.")

Content & Development

The narrative contains limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but the essay lacks sufficient details to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed sufficiently. Some dialogue may be used to reveal the characters' thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. ("Spring, Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana Purchase from N. Bonaparte for $15 million. It was three cents an acre. He wanted Meriwether Lewis to guide the trail. He picked the best friend he had, William Clark to help him on his trail. Then they made their name to be THE CORPS OF DISCOVERY. How Lewis and Clark reached the Pacific Ocean.")

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces a few of the main historical figures into the narrative but does not describe them in meaningful ways. ("Corps found a girl named Sacagawea (sac*A*g*A*we*a) also met her husband Charbonneau. He was French. Sacagawea was their guide, and she had a baby boy, named Pompy. Charles Floyd was the only person to die because of appendix, but now we know to heal the people who have appendix.")

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. ("Last, On November, they reach the Pacific Ocean. The co-captain, William Clark, said 'Ocean in view!' Then all the slaves started getting excited.")

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers' attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer does not provide the readers with some sense of closure.

The opening of the narrative attempts to grab the readers' attention by providing background information that would entice them to continue reading. However, the writer also includes details in the introduction that seem out of place and would be better served in a separate body paragraph. (" They took some food like deer meat to eat and something to drink, and they also took some buffalo meat. They spent the night at the Mandan Indians, and made peace with them. Corps found a girl named Sacagawea (sac*A*g*A*we*a) also met her husband Charbonneau. He was French. Sacagawea was their guide, and she had a baby boy, named Pompy. Charles Floyd was the only person to die because of appendix, but now we know to heal the people who have appendix.")

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead the readers through the narrative. (" Then, They also came across the Great Falls. It also has rapid waters. They had to go around the Great Falls because of high cliffs. This great thing that helped them get to the Pacific Ocean, it is in Montana. The great Falls is close to where the Shoshones used to live. They filled their water at the water fall. Then they went to the Columbia River.")

The writer provides a very limited conclusion that does not give the readers a strong sense of closure. (" A YEAR LATER..... Then they went home to celebrate. They gave Jefferson all he needed, to see what was there. What they did was they saw what they wanted their leader to be happy. Clark kept drawing maps and saw that he could put them in a museum and let everyone see that he expored the southwest. Lewis was very happy he helped Sacagawea with her baby coming out. He also helped mostly with being the main captain.")

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The story reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with weak structures and insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer's message.

Some sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (" The great Falls is close to where the Shoshones used to live. They filled their water at the water fall. Then they went to the Columbia River.")

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer's use of the word "they", for example, is glaringly repetitive. (" Then they went home to celebrate. They gave Jefferson all he needed, to see what was there. What they did was they saw what they wanted their leader to be happy.")

The sentences are too informal and poorly structured, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (" The Pacific O. had all kinds of things. Like dangerous predators such as Alligator, a giant bird such as a big flock of birds, a poisoned snakes. They also had to watch out for bears and also strangers. Because they might steal the baby.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. The writer should also indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure the proper usage of words within the context of sentences. ("When they where on the Missouri River they had to bring supplies like food, water, protection, and life jackets. Then, They also came across the Great Falls. It also has rapid waters.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

THE LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION

The corps was to follow the Missouri river all the way to its headwaters in the rocky mountains. Then they were to find a good way to cross the mountains and go down streams leading to the Columbia river. After that, they would flout down the Columbia to the pacific. Traveling down the Columbia river in constant rain, the corps could hardly wait to reach the pacific ocean and rest. while they were waiting they meet a tribe and they were friendly. There name was the Mandan Indians while one of Lewis's men was hunting. The person thought Lewis was a elk and ''boom'' Lewis was shot he stilled after that. The day it happened was August 11th.

While they were going down the columbia river they faced strong storms. Charles Floyd's was very sick charles died so lewis and clark named a small river Floyd's river. Lewis and clark became friends with the mandan Indians that they meet earlier in the trip. The mandans were nice they gave them food places to sleep. On November 12 lewis reached the Pacific ocean and clark didn't reach the coast until november 18.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she establishes a vague central idea and demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative includes descriptions and details that may stray from the point of the story. On the whole, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. ("The corps was to follow the Missouri river all the way to its headwaters in the rocky mountains. Then they were to find a good way to cross the mountains and go down streams leading to the Columbia river. After that, they would flout down the Columbia to the pacific.")

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the journey that would take Lewis and Clark all the way to the Pacific Ocean. More details are needed to enhance the writer's message to the intended audience. ("Traveling down the Columbia river in constant rain, the corps could hardly wait to reach the pacific ocean and rest. while they were waiting they meet a tribe and they were friendly. There name was the Mandan Indians while one of Lewis's men was hunting.")

The writer's details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. ("The mandans were nice they gave them food places to sleep. On November 12 lewis reached the Pacific ocean and clark didn't reach the coast until november 18.")

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal the characters' thoughts.

Few details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses some of the challenges faced by the explorers, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the story. ("The person thought Lewis was a elk and 'boom' Lewis was shot he stilled after that. The day it happened was August 11th. While they were going down the columbia river they faced strong storms. Charles Floyd's was very sick charles died so lewis and clark named a small river Floyd's river.")

The writer does not produce a narrative that effectively describes the setting or characters. There are a few descriptions of the setting, but the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. ("Traveling down the Columbia river in constant rain, the corps could hardly wait to reach the pacific ocean and rest. while they were waiting they meet a tribe and they were friendly. There name was the Mandan Indians while one of Lewis's men was hunting.")

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not developed in any way. ("while they were waiting they meet a tribe and they were friendly. There name was the Mandan Indians while one of Lewis's men was hunting. The person thought Lewis was a elk and 'boom' Lewis was shot he stilled after that. The day it happened was August 11th.")

Organization

The narrative's organization is minimal. The writer provides an opening that vaguely reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the narrative demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The story attempts to grab the readers' attention in the beginning by outlining the path of the journey that Lewis and Clark would take. (" The corps was to follow the Missouri river all the way to its headwaters in the rocky mountains. Then they were to find a good way to cross the mountains and go down streams leading to the Columbia river. After that, they would flout down the Columbia to the pacific.")

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (" while they were waiting they meet a tribe and they were friendly. There name was the Mandan Indians while one of Lewis's men was hunting. The person thought Lewis was a elk and 'boom' Lewis was shot he stilled after that. The day it happened was August 11th. they were going down the columbia river they faced strong storms.")

The story contains a very weak ending. (" On November 12 lewis reached the Pacific ocean and clark didn't reach the coast until november 18.")

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors could impede the readers' ability to follow the writer's narrative with understanding. (" The person thought Lewis was a elk and 'boom' Lewis was shot he stilled after that. The day it happened was August 11th.")

There are weak sentence structures throughout the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate the events that are happening in the story. (" Charles Floyd's was very sick charles died so lewis and clark named a small river Floyd's river. Lewis and clark became friends with the mandan Indians that they meet earlier in the trip.")

The language is simple and repetitive. The writer's word choices do not effectively communicate a story to the intended audience. (" The mandans were nice they gave them food places to sleep. On November 12 lewis reached the Pacific ocean and clark didn't reach the coast until november 18.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer's control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer's message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized and meaningful story. ("After that, they would flout down the Columbia to the pacific. Traveling down the Columbia river in constant rain, the corps could hardly wait to reach the pacific ocean and rest. while they were waiting they meet a tribe and they were friendly. There name was the Mandan Indians while one of Lewis's men was hunting.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

As Meriweather Lewis, The first transcontinental trip to the pacific was long, 2 years long to be exact. It was rough, though, and we were awed, and amazing by what we came upon in our journey. My partner, William Clark, his slave York, and a little native girl, sacagawea travel the west coast of the Americas, to explore the Mississippi, and to find possible resources, inhabitants, and settlement possibilities. Agian what we saw in our journey was increadible.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the narrative are inadequate. The writer establishes little or no central idea and d emonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. Overall, the writer barely completes any parts of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (" As Meriweather Lewis, The first transcontinental trip to the pacific was long, 2 years long to be exact. It was rough, though, and we were awed, and amazing by what we came upon in our journey.")

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. ("Agian what we saw in our journey was increadible.")

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. ("My partner, William Clark, his slave York, and a little native girl, sacagawea travel the west coast of the Americas, to explore the Mississippi, and to find possible resources, inhabitants, and settlement possibilities.")

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting, and characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters' surroundings helps the readers imagine the scenes in their minds. (" As Meriweather Lewis, The first transcontinental trip to the pacific was long, 2 years long to be exact. It was rough, though, and we were awed, and amazing by what we came upon in our journey.")

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. ("My partner, William Clark, his slave York, and a little native girl, sacagawea travel the west coast of the Americas…")

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. ("Agian what we saw in our journey was increadible.")

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The story does not grab the readers' attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, how Lewis and Clark arrived at the coastline of the Pacific Ocean. (" As Meriweather Lewis, The first transcontinental trip to the pacific was long, 2 years long to be exact. It was rough, though, and we were awed, and amazing by what we came upon in our journey.")

Events do not follow a logical sequence. There are significant gaps in time that hinder the flow of events in the story. (" My partner, William Clark, his slave York, and a little native girl, sacagawea travel the west coast of the Americas, to explore the Mississippi, and to find possible resources, inhabitants, and settlement possibilities. Agian what we saw in our journey was increadible.")

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task or gives the readers a sense of closure. (" Agian what we saw in our journey was increadible.")

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (" It was rough, though, and we were awed, and amazing by what we came upon in our journey.")

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer's purpose to the intended audience. (" Agian what we saw in our journey was increadible.")

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. ("As Meriweather Lewis, The first transcontinental trip to the pacific was long, 2 years long to be exact. It was rough, though, and we were awed, and amazing by what we came upon in our journey.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer's control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the narrative. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer's message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Life Changing Experiences

Everyone goes through changes. Think about a personal experience or an experience you have read about, watched on television, or seen in a movie. Why did this change occur and how did it affect the person's life?

Write an essay in which you describe a change a person experienced in his or her life.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One of every living things' most basic instincts is the will to survive. Almost every living thing on the planet will go to any lengths to live if the need arises. However, survival is changing to adapt and thrive in a new environment. This means that change is an integral part of survival. After Buck is kidnapped from his home in Santa Clara , he is thrown into a new, hostile environment, and yet he somehow manages to survive. Since survival invariably entails change, Buck has to change and adapt a great deal throughout the course of his journey. These changes are very pronounced, and can be clearly seen at many points in Buck's journey. However, in order to change, Buck has to get in touch with his more primal, primitive self, which is already equipped to thrive in the wilderness. Throughout The Call of the Wild, a novel by Jack London, Buck adapts and changes in order to survive in his new environment, and becomes more primitive as a result of this.

Initially, Buck learns the unspoken laws of his new environment and figures out what it takes to survive in the wild. One of the most important lessons he learns is the Law of Club and Fang, which he learns from his battle with the Man in the Red Sweater. Buck learns that in order to survive he will have to throw off his modern ideals of mercy and fair play, and he also discovers why he should fear men, or at least tolerate them. Buck's lesson from the Man in the Red Sweater acts as his coronation into the wild Yukon Territory , and it marks the beginning of his regression to a more primitive state of being. Buck quickly learns several important lessons from his fellow sled dogs, including how to keep warm in the snow, how to steal food, and how to fight without mercy. The speed at which he learns about his new environment sets him apart from normal dogs, and is an early indicator that Buck is equipped to thrive in the wild. Bucks acceptance of stealing, as well as his willingness to fight mercilessly, shows that he is starting to shake off his refined upbringing and revert to his more primitive self. Buck starts out by learning several important lessons about how to survive in the wilderness and by doing so gets in touch with the primitive side of himself.

As time goes on, Buck distinguishes himself as a dog specially equipped to thrive in the will and becomes much more primitive as a result of this. One way in which he sets himself apart from other dogs is his fight to the death with Spitz, in which he uses fighting styles "remembered" from his ancestors as well as strategies of his own invention to achieve victory. His triumph over Spitz, as well as his invention of entirely new fighting moves in the midst of battle, shows that Buck is a natural fighter and that he is ready and able to thrive in his new environment. His recollection of ancient ways of fighting show that Buck is turning into a "primordial beast," and thus the battle with Spitz marks the point at which Buck starts to really gets in touch with his primitive state of being. It is also around this time that Buck has his first encounter with the "hairy man" in a dream. The hairy man serves as a very literal metaphor for Buck's progress towards a more primitive state of being. His appearance shows that Buck is regressing to ancient times both mentally and physically, in order to survive in the wild. Buck becomes more primitive and fit to survive in the wild as time progresses.

By the time Buck camps in the wilderness with John Thornton, he has become one with his primitive side, and thus feels a constant attraction to the wilderness. This is exemplified in Buck's frequent trips into the wild, where he hunts big game and catches animals just for the fun of it. These travels in the wild show that Buck feels more at home in the forest than he does with civilization, which means that he has regressed to his most primal, primitive state of being. It also shows that Buck has ascended from dog into predator; he has become a "primordial beast." Perhaps the greatest demonstration of how Buck has descended to his most primitive and powerful form is the fact that he is able to kill the Yeehat Indians after they kill John Thornton. This is important event because it shows that Buck has become so powerful that even men armed with clubs cannot withstand him, a fact that is in direct violation of the law of Club and Fang. Buck regresses so far back that he is strong enough to kill modern, evolved men with impunity. By the end of his journey, Buck is so primitive and powerful that he feels a deep connection with the wilderness and can violate the Law of Club and Fang.

Buck undergoes a great deal of change during his odyssey through the wilderness. He loses his modern, civilized upbringing and transforms into a primitive beast, a being with no morals or ties to humanity. This change occurs because, without adapting to his new environment, Buck could not have survived in the wild. Buck only managed to live because he was willing and able to sacrifice his old civilized ways and embrace a more primal form of being, one that was already equipped to thrive in the wilderness. Buck's ability to survive in the wild, despite his modern roots, shows that any living thing, regardless of upbringing, is equipped to survive in unbelievably hostile conditions if the need arises. Even people who are willing to die for abstract ideals and the upholding of morals are able to survive in any environment, but the only way that they can is to shed their morals and get in touch with their more primitive selves; they can only survive if they change. Change and adaptation are vital to survival.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this insightful analysis, the author identifies and maintains a thorough understanding of the purpose of the assignment. The task is completed at a high level through an exceptional analysis of the life changing experiences Buck undergoes. The development of the essay is centered around a particularly focused thesis statement. (“Throughout The Call of the Wild, a novel by Jack London, Buck adapts and changes in order to survive in his new environment, and becomes more primitive as a result of this.”) The description and details presented are all relevant to the story and essential to the central idea. All parts of the task are aptly completed.

Content & Development

In the response, the author develops the thesis by incorporating very effective details and examples that describe the setting, plot, and conflicts. For example, in the third paragraph, the student does not simply state that Buck changes over time. Rather, he/she supplies the reader with examples and explanations that illustrate the point. (“One way in which he sets himself apart from other dogs is his fight to the death with Spitz, in which he uses fighting styles "remembered" from his ancestors as well as strategies of his own invention to achieve victory. His triumph over Spitz, as well as his invention of entirely new fighting moves in the midst of battle, shows that Buck is a natural fighter and that he is ready and able to thrive in his new environment.”) Throughout the essay, all of the ideas are fully developed using a wide variety of details and examples as support.

Organization

This essay is organized in a highly effective manner. The introduction begins with an attention-grabbing statement (“One of every living things' most basic instincts is the will to survive. Almost every living thing on the planet will go to any lengths to live if the need arises.”) and ends with a central controlling idea. The essay flows smoothly because each body paragraph begins with a strong transitional device. (“By the time Buck camps in the wilderness with John Thornton, he has become…”) The conclusion ends with a very effective summation of the author’s story. (“Buck undergoes a great deal of change during his odyssey through the wilderness. He loses his modern, civilized upbringing and transforms into a primitive beast, a being with no morals or ties to humanity.”)

Language Use & Style

This response is composed using very effective language use and style. Precise and impressive word choice is seen throughout the essay. (“Bucks acceptance of stealing, as well as his willingness to fight mercilessly, shows that he is starting to shake off his refined upbringing and revert to his more primitive self.”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“Perhaps the greatest demonstration of how Buck has descended to his most primitive and powerful form is the fact that he is able to kill the Yeehat Indians after they kill John Thornton.”) The student also exhibits an excellent and defined control of voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates a very effective control over the conventions and mechanics of standard English. Very few errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling occur.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout life we battle our way through dilemmas and problems that will change our lives. Life changing experiences can cause a person to think or act differently from the past and this change doesn't necessarily mean a good configuration of thought but also a negative change. Sarah, a young girl I used to know has been through the most dramatic things that have shaped who she is today. These things have taken a dramatic role on how she feels, thinks, and acts around those around her.

The one life changing experience that took the biggest toll on Sarah was that she was physically and mentally abused. Her father was a very heavy alcoholic and had a temper problem. Although Sarah's mother tried to put and end to this crisis many times by making the suggestion of receiving help from a therapist, Sarah's father would refuse to go and in the end take out his aggression on his wife and child. In doing so, Sarah has become very closed from the outside world, never speaking her mind and allowing others to walk over her. The abuse she had to undergo will forever scare her, depriving her from trusting others and feeling insecure about her thoughts. As if though she has no say in what she wants to do or that her opinion doesn't matter at all.

Later in time she developed a habit that made her struggle much more throughout life. She had found friends that introduced her to drugs. Sarah started to deal with issues she never had before because she was always on drugs, her real friends tried to stop this from continuing but she said she had found a new way to relieve herself from her problems by doing this drug. She was getting arrested, drinking, smoking and falling into more drugs. Finally the outcome was she was going to a juvenile hall and later on sent off to a boarding school. This was a wake up call for her and she knew she had to quit this new found habit of being a delinquent. This changed her life because she realized that this sort of lifestyle isn't worth getting caught and thrown in jail.

The final battle Sarah had faced was one of a smaller cause but yet still a conflict that changed who she was and is. She discovered she had two older siblings, which were never brought into this world because her mother had an abortion with all the other children. This struck Sarah very hard because it was difficult being the old child and not having a family to comfort her when she was in need. Sarah developed a hatred towards her mother Wendy and soon after her seventeenth birthday packed her things and left. She feels as though her mother has deprived her from having a normal childhood, life without siblings is difficult and she could not deal with being alone any longer. Her life changed because she feels like she cannot trust people and that everyone is a liar.

Dilemmas Sarah faced are very hard to swallow and accept that there is nothing anyone can do to change them. This young child has been through child abuse, this use of drugs and alcohol and discovering that she could have a least some part of stability if her mother did ho through with the pregnancies. Sarah's life has changed in many ways and these are all life changing experiences.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response demonstrates a complete and moving story. The author exhibits an understanding of the purpose of the assignment by incorporating many relevant details and examples. A controlling idea or focus is introduced in the first paragraph and is maintained throughout. (“Sarah, a young girl I used to know has been through the most dramatic things that have shaped who she is today. These things have taken a dramatic role on how she feels, thinks, and acts around those around her.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides a fully constructed story through an examination of the important events and conflicts in this young girl’s life. Three distinctly important problems are established and elaborated on. (“She was getting arrested, drinking, smoking and falling into more drugs. Finally the outcome was she was going to a juvenile hall and later on sent off to a boarding school. This was a wake up call for her and she knew she had to quit this new found habit of being a delinquent. This changed her life because she realized that this sort of lifestyle isn't worth getting caught and thrown in jail.”) The conflicts are well-developed and explained through the specific and accurate examples and details.

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization through a mostly unified structure. The opening paragraph begins with an introductory sentence that grabs the reader’s attention (“Throughout life we battle our way through dilemmas and problems that will change our lives.”) and ends with a controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and a transitional device. (“Later in time she developed a habit that made her struggle much more throughout life.”) The concluding paragraph provides a good summary of Sarah’s struggles and her life-changing experiences. (“This young child has been through child abuse, this use of drugs and alcohol and discovering that she could have a least some part of stability if her mother did ho through with the pregnancies.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s writing style and language are very appropriate for this task. Most words are well-chosen and descriptive (“configuration”, “aggression”, “depriving”). The sentences in this response are well-structured and exhibit some variety. (“Although Sarah's mother tried to put and end to this crisis many times by making the suggestion of receiving help from a therapist, Sarah's father would refuse to go and in the end take out his aggression on his wife and child. In doing so, Sarah has become very closed from the outside world, never speaking her mind and allowing others to walk over her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors compromise the integrity of the essay. The author’s good control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English is obvious in this response. While there are a few errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation (“put and end”), they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Life Changing Experiences

Everybody has chicken pox once in their life time. In my perspective, it is a life changing experience. I was six years old when I had chicken pox. They are certainly something a person doesn't want because their whole body becomes very itchy, they won't feel well, and the red bumps are annoying.

On the day it started, I went to school and everything was normal. In the afternoon my whole body and my face got very itchy. I didn't know what it was until my teacher told me, "You have chicken pox. You better go home now. You should stay home and wait until they have all vanished." It was terrible! My whole body was full of red bumps and they were itchy. It seemed like if there were lots of mosquito bites on me. The red bumps were five times itchier than the mosquito bites. I sort of looked like a cheetah or a jaguar, but with red spots. I couldn't stop scratching them.

My mom takes me to see the doctor the next day. The doctor, I think gave me some medicine after he examined my whole body. The bumps were annoying. My parents said, "Don't scratch those bumps. If you do then you would look horrible." I couldn't bare the itching sensation. I tried to hold it in but I still scratched. It is just that I didn't scratch that much. I couldn't go outside and play around because the wind shouldn't contact the bumps. I had a fever and I felt like if I had the flu. I had to live with my grandparents for a couple of days. I don't know why.

After a couple of days I felt better. My fever subsided and the bumps subsided a little. I then went back to my own house to live. During all that time, I would play with toys like Lego's, watch the television, and read books. I waited a few more days and the bumps finally subsided completely. It felt great without all of those itchy and annoying bumps. I went back to school and went outside to play again.

After I had the chicken pox, it made me realize that I wasn't a kid anymore. I was a young boy. I felt more mature after the itchy ordeal. It is a life changing experience for me because it changed the way of how I saw life. Life doesn't stand still. It continues on if you want it to or not. People have to look at life in different ways. You will discover new things about life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. In this essay, the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the assignment by describing at time when he went through a life-changing experience. (“ Everybody has chicken pox once in their life time. In my perspective, it is a life changing experience. I was six years old when I had chicken pox.”) The descriptions and details provided are relevant to the author’s story.

Content & Development

This response provides an adequately developed plot. The author uses effective descriptions to describe the time when he came down with chicken pox. (“The red bumps were five times itchier than the mosquito bites. I sort of looked like a cheetah or a jaguar, but with red spots. I couldn't stop scratching them.”) Some characters are introduced in his retelling of this event—his teacher and his parents. Instances of appropriate dialogue are also noticeable throughout the response. (“ I didn't know what it was until my teacher told me, ‘You have chicken pox. You better go home now. You should stay home and wait until they have all vanished.’”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure. The introductory paragraph begins with an attempt to gain the reader’s interest (“Everybody has chicken pox once in their life time.”) and goes on to develop the background information for the narrative. Some transitional devices are also noticeable in the response. (“On the day it started” and “After a couple of days”) In the concluding paragraph, the author makes an attempt to explain why this event was truly a life-changing experience. (“After I had the chicken pox, it made me realize that I wasn't a kid anymore. I was a young boy. I felt more mature after the itchy ordeal.”)

Language Use & Style

The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task. Although word choice isn’t overly sophisticated, it is adequate for this student’s grade level. (“They are certainly something a person doesn't want because their whole body becomes very itchy, they won't feel well, and the red bumps are annoying.”) Most sentences exhibit correct structure and some variety. (“During all that time, I would play with toys like Lego's, watch the television, and read books.”) Even voice is demonstrated occasionally throughout the essay. (“It was terrible! My whole body was full of red bumps and they were itchy…I sort of looked like a cheetah or a jaguar, but with red spots.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates an ability to adhere to the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are few errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation, and they do not detract from the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My name is Debbie. I am 11 and when I am 13 i will have my Batmatzvahs. Getting ready for my Batmatzvahs is a big change in my life. I have longer classes, more memorizeing words,and the material is very hard. I will complete all these things in order to have my Batmatzvahs.

I have to go to longer classes for two hours a week to study for my Torah portion starting when I am 11 years old. I end these classes when I am 13 years old. These long classes are long and boring but that's the only way you learn. Now i have more classes than before.

Getting ready for my Bat Matzvahs I have to practise a lot more. I have to read from a booklet to study for my Torah portion. I have to memorize all the words in my portion. I have to recite teh portion when I am 13. I practice two hours a week.

The material is getting harder to memorize world to be prepared. It is interesing to learn harder and bigger words, but is a little boring sometimes sitting there just reading all the words. When you have to memorize out of a big book of words with out any vows it is very hard to do all of thse things.

Getting ready for my Bat Matzvahs is a big change in my life. I have more classes than before. I have to read a portion of the Torah. I also have to memorize a lot more worlds. I cna't wait until I have completed my study of the Torah.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes a limited focus and meaning. Although an attempt is made at developing a controlling idea (“Getting ready for my Batmatzvahs is a big change in my life. I have longer classes, more memorizeing words,and the material is very hard. I will complete all these things in order to have my Batmatzvahs.”), it is not fully developed or maintained. Therefore, this response shows only a partial understanding of the audience and the task.

Content & Development

In the body of the essay, the author attempts to explain the effects that will occur as a result of the life- changing experience. (“I have to go to longer classes for two hours a week to study for my Torah

portion starting when I am 11 years old. I end these classes when I am 13 years old. These long classes are long and boring but that's the only way you learn.”) However, the response does not contain sufficient detail to adequately complete the assignment.

Organization

This essay is constructed with a limited organizational structure. The introduction lacks an opening that introduces the assignment or gains the reader’s attention. Although the body of the essay is constructed using adequate paragraphing, the essay could be improved with more transitional devices. Although the concluding paragraph does summarize the author’s ideas (“Getting ready for my Bat Matzvahs is a big change in my life. I have more classes than before. I have to read a portion of the Torah.”), it doesn’t fully provide the reader with a strong sense of closure.

Language Use & Style

The language use in this response is limited. The essay contains simple words and the occasional poorly structured sentence. (“I have longer classes, more memorizeing words,and the material is very hard. I will complete all these things in order to have my Batmatzvahs.”) A control of voice is difficult to detect in this response as well. (“These long classes are long and boring but that's the only way you learn. Now i have more classes than before.”) Overall, the author’s use of language needs improvement.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows limited control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are several noticeable errors in spelling (“memorizeing”), punctuation (“Now i have”), and grammar (“The material is getting harder to memorize world to be prepared.”) that somewhat interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

My brother has changed alot at school and kind of with my parents. He had to change school, because in the school he use to get referrals and he would get in fights. Now that he has changed schools he has done much better than last time. We use to have problems that he was doing drugs. My mom and aunt started talking to him, that to ask one of the people that didn't have homes, how they ended up like they are now. He went to school and my mom told me when I got out of school that, he gave her the drugs and that he was not going to do it again.

The second problem was that my dad gave my brother a car to take to school and my dad trusted him. He took advantage about, he always goes to gym after school. This time hegot out of school and went to a friends house, he didn't even ask my parents if he could.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its ability to communicate a meaningful message to the reader. It demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose of the assignment. Although the author does establish a response to the writing prompt (“My brother has changed alot at school and kind of with my parents”), it is inadequately developed. The lack of description and details shows a poor understanding of the audience and the task.

Content & Development

Content development in this response is minimal. The author does attempt to introduce some conflicts the individual is facing (“We use to have problems that he was doing drugs. My mom and aunt started talking to him, that to ask one of the people that didn't have homes, how they ended up like they are now.”), however, the problems are not clearly explained or developed with specific and relevant examples and details.

Organization

Minimal organization is exhibited in this one-paragraph response. The flow from one idea to the next is difficult to follow because there are few transitions and the thought process is not sequential or logical. (“My mom and aunt started talking to him, that to ask one of the people that didn't have homes, how they ended up like they are now. He went to school and my mom told me when I got out of school that, he gave her the drugs and that he was not going to do it again.”) The response lacks an appropriate introduction, body paragraphs, transitional devices, and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Language use in this essay is poor. The author uses very simple words and makes basic errors in sentence structure. (“My mom and aunt started talking to him, that to ask one of the people that didn't have homes, how they ended up like they are now.”) The author seems unaware of his/her audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s grasp of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English is limited. There are several errors in grammar (“He took advantage about”), spelling, and punctuation (“hegot”), which interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Changes in Frodo's life

In the movie Lord of the Rings Frodo Baggins begins a major transition where he goes from happy with were he is and thinking that it is perfect to not being happy with where he is and wanting to leave.

The reasons that he changes his mind are because of changes in his life such as when he discovers an evil ring. When he first discovers that he will have to destroy it he is overwhelmed with how hard it will be, but then he get's really c

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The response demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author does briefly mention a person who underwent a life-changing experience (“In the movie Lord of the Rings Frodo Baggins begins a major transition where he goes from happy with were he is and thinking that it is perfect to not being happy with where he is and wanting to leave.”), the event is not established, explained, or maintained.

Content & Development

The author fails to develop the response with any relevant ideas or supporting details. In this essay, there is no identifiable and understandable event or conflict mentioned. The only semblance of a story appears in the second paragraph, but is not elaborated on or explained. (“The reasons that he changes his mind are because of changes in his life such as when he discovers an evil ring. When he first discovers that he will have to destroy it he is overwhelmed with how hard it will be, but then he get's really c”)

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a six-line essay. While there are two paragraphs, there is no noticeable rationale for this structure. The essay lacks a proper introduction, body paragraphs, sufficient transitional devices, and a conclusion. The organization is completely inadequate.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates inadequate language use. Sentences are convoluted and poorly structured. (“In the movie Lord of the Rings Frodo Baggins begins a major transition where he goes from happy with were he is and thinking that it is perfect to not being happy with where he is and wanting to leave.”) Word choice is minimal and demonstrates no awareness of the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling, grammar (“The reasons that he changes his mind”), and punctuation (“get's”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

Life in Twenty Years

You may have wondered what your life will be like twenty years from now. Pretend that you have traveled twenty years into the future in a time machine. How will your life be different in twenty years? How will you be different in twenty years? Write an essay about how you and your life will be different twenty years from now.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My eyes first opened at a loud buzzing, but being lazy, I slammed them shut hastily. It was no use. The buzzing rang profoundly within my ears, piercing at my mind. "January seventh, 2025" called the clock in a monotone voice. The date was exactly twenty years from when Liz was a thirteen year old in the eighth grade. I heard a groan in the bedroom, and a slam upon an alarm clock. Her silhouette slouched out of bed and across the room, into the bathroom. Liz twisted the shower knob, letting hot water pour down her back. She always kept herself very clean. Her house was pristine, along with her loving husband and three children. She stepped out of the shower, seeming much more refreshed than she had been several minutes ago.

Light poured into the room, as a light switch was clicked. Other alarms sounded in distant rooms, quickly followed by more sleepy groans. My veins suddenly filled with eagerness, for she was coming towards her jewelry dish, where I lay, face up and ready to be worn. Her delicate hands picked me up, and put me on the ears gingerly. In my opinion, I was the most beautiful pair of earrings she owned.

The kitchen had already started its automatic ritual; the cooking of eggs, bacon, and toast. I hung on her ears, staring at the wonderful, yet surprisingly simple meal. If I had a mouth, I would have been drooling profusely. Three children had slumped into the dining room, their meal already begun. Liz glanced adoringly at her children, who looked like they hadn't eaten in days. She was about to walk out the door to her workplace, suitcase in hand, when suddenly strong arms hugged her from behind.

"Bye honey." said a warm voice. It was her husband.

Liz chirped back," I'll see you around five tonight. I hope I'll be home by then. The traffic on the hover ways has been pretty bad lately. “Bye kids!" she yelled into the dining room. Lexie, Neil, and Craig yelled "Bye Mom!" in unison. Out the door she went.

As Liz had predicted, the hover ways were clogged with traffic. Two cars had flown into each other, and had blocked the main road. Swinging on Liz's impatient ears, I gazed around. The sky was a vibrant blue, greatly resembling a robin's egg. No exhaust was corrupting the air, unlike twenty years ago. When Liz had been thirteen years old, there were many concerns of global warming and other such environmental problems. Since then, the whole world had agreed to convert all vehicles to run on electrical power, and to conserve trees. It was extremely rare to find someone with a case of asthma.

BOOM! A car alarm wailed in pain in the distance. Suddenly a silent shadow covered our car. I could feel her heart racing. She glanced upward, and saw a gargantuan SUV hover model falling towards us. With quick thinking and reflexes, Liz flew the car to the side of the highway. To both of our horrors, the car had fallen right where we had been, and had crushed an apartment complex on the ground below. It also was no longer the strong SUV, for it had been reduced to a mass of metal and wires.

We arrived at her office around eleven o’clock. This was extremely tardy for her regular schedule, for she was usually there around nine. Liz reached to open her office door; the keys were dangling in her hand. "Newton Dental" was labeled in large, gold letters upon the door. Below that was a sign that read "Elizabeth Duran, D.D.S.~Dentistry and Orthodontics." The door swung open before her hand reached the chill of the doorknob. There stood Sally, her receptionist. Eyes filled with anxiousness, she began to cry.

"Where have you been?" she hissed. "Today is Ronald’s appointment!! It's in ten minutes!" I could sense Liz's eyebrows rise with stress. The name Ronald seemed familiar to me. Digging through my mind, it hit me. Ronald was one of the most stubborn, picky, and rich clients they served at Newton Dental. I swished into Liz's office, while she buttoned up her doctor's jacket, white with a small, simple name tag. Suddenly, the door in the office swung open and hit harshly against the wall. Another swish out of the office led me to the sight of Ronald. He was fat, in a yellow pinstripe suit, with shoes polished so much that you could use them as mirrors.

"The Academy Awards are tonight, I have been invited, and my teeth need to be perfect...or else." he grumbled in a snobby, loud, and obnoxious voice.

"Um, yes of course." Liz replied politely. "I'll put you through our state-of-the-art cleaning treatment. Please sit right here." She gestured to him to sit in the dental chair. I could tell that someone had spent an awfully long time cleaning. It had to be as good as a throne for someone like Ronald to sit in it. He squished his chubby self into the chair, and opened wide. The sight of his teeth almost made me gag. They were perfectly aligned, but plaque, tartar, and an unusual green mass stuck between one of his rear molars. "Okay sir, please look up and close your eyes." Liz instructed. Suddenly, a blinding blue light filled the room. Teeth had been instantly cleaned, through a special light treatment developed by Liz herself. "That's it. You may leave now." An amazingly kind and excited smile was plastered against Ronald’s face.

"Why, thank you!" chirped a changed Ronald.

"Anytime, sir."

Driving home was much easier than the ride to the office. Our evening was peaceful too. Pasta with an absolutely amazing pesto sauce was the menu programmed into the kitchen's artificial intelligence system. The meal was followed by finishing homework, and tucking exhausted children into their beds. Closing the door, Liz looked at her three children's bedroom doors, and then to her loving husband in the master bedroom, reading a book. As she took me off of her ears and set me down into the jewelry dish, I realized how wonderful Liz’s life turned out to be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is fascinating because of the author’s unique approach. The student is observing her future self through the observant eyes of a piece of jewelry. (“ Her delicate hands picked me up, and put me on the ears gingerly. In my opinion, I was the most beautiful pair of earrings she owned.”) As a result, this response goes beyond the assigned task to provide a very interesting take on Liz Holt’s life. The author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and assignment. Detailed descriptions (“I heard a groan in the bedroom, and a slam upon an alarm clock. Her silhouette slouched out of bed and across the room, into the bathroom. Liz twisted the shower knob, letting hot water pour down her back.”) are a hallmark of this essay.

Content & Development

The amount of detail provided by the author in this essay is quite remarkable. For example, the student delves into exceptional descriptions of a simple car ride to work. (“ BOOM! A car alarm wailed in pain in the distance. Suddenly a silent shadow covered our car. I could feel her heart racing. She glanced upward, and saw a gargantuan SUV hover model falling towards us. With quick thinking and reflexes, Liz flew the car to the side of the highway. To both of our horrors, the car had fallen right where we had been, and had crushed an apartment complex on the ground below. It also was no longer the strong SUV, for it had been reduced to a mass of metal and wires. ”) This response is an ideal example of a thoroughly developed plot, exquisite descriptions, and effective characters and settings.

Organization

This essay’s organizational scheme is very effective. The author begins the story by immediately grabbing the reader’s attention. (“ My eyes first opened at a loud buzzing, but being lazy, I slammed them shut hastily. It was no use. The buzzing rang profoundly within my ears, piercing at my mind. "January seventh, 2025" called the clock in a monotone voice.”) The story flows smoothly due to excellent transitional devices (“As Liz had predicted” and “Since then”). The conclusion successfully pulls the entire story together. (“As she took me off of her ears and set me down into the jewelry dish, I realized how wonderful Liz’s life turned out to be.”)

Language Use & Style

The response demonstrates excellent language use and style. The author has quite a facility with words (“ silhouette”, “corrupting”, and “wailed”) . Describing the elements of her future precisely and artfully, the author projects a defined voice and a clear sense of audience, using well-structured and varied sentences. (“ Light poured into the room, as a light switch was clicked. Other alarms sounded in distant rooms, quickly followed by more sleepy groans. My veins suddenly filled with eagerness, for she was coming towards her jewelry dish, where I lay, face up and ready to be worn. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This response contains few to no mistakes and they do not detract from the author’s intended message. (“Suddenly, the door in the office swung open and hit harshly against the wall. Another swish out of the office led me to the sight of Ronald. He was fat, in a yellow pinstripe suit, with shoes polished so much that you could use them as mirrors.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Nobody has the power to stay young forever. I'm sure a number of people would like to live the life of the classic character Peter Pan, but we all know that this can only go as far as being an exaggerated fantasy. As life goes on, we come to know that time has the competency to take all, the right to move on, and the capability of making each individual older as the minutes tick. Regretfully, mankind has no way to stop it and no way to slow it down. While we may not be everlasting, time surely is. On the contrary, each of us should live life beyond its boundaries and take risks so we'll never have to deal with the feeling of remorse.

In my opinion, I would never want to be wondering how it would have felt like to ride Supreme Scream, how fun it would have been to go to Prom, or even what it would be like to have had children when I'm age progressed. I want to experience everything and live life to the fullest.

With an immense amount of dreams just dying to be released in the palm of my hands, I can easily depict what my future will be like in twenty years. For one, I hope to be a college graduate with a major in a science field. Ever since I was little, I longed to be a marine biologist. I have always been attracted to sea life and I think the ocean is a majestic place that holds a great deal of wonder just waiting to be explored. In addition to my career, I wish to be married and have a family of my own. I want to spend every precious moment with my children and watch them grow. Nothing can be better or worth as much as quality time with one's family, and so, when I become older I'll be sure to take advantage of this.

My life will undoubtedly change due to the fact that I want to move to Hawaii . Paradise to me is far more that just a place, but it is also a feeling. It is happiness, comfort, and joy all rolled into one. Hawaii is a destination in where I can seek all of the above. If I do move there, I want to live right next to the beach. Not only will this be convenient for my job, but I can also relax on the shore during times of leisure.

On the other hand, besides my life evolving into something far different, I will think that myself, as a person, will be a changed individual too. In the next twenty years, my desire is to be someone that is a responsible adult with an aim in life. Learning from my mistakes, I have already developed into a person that is mature and more understanding. Thus, I can only imagine what I'll be like in the future. Though this is true, I do hope that I will be able to continue down the road I'm walking on now. I want to be an adult that makes wise decisions and that is not too ignorant to learn. I believe these ingredients are a key thing to having a successful life.

Although my dreams are not yet tangible, I still feel that they are realistic and reachable. Life is not invariably a fairy tale, but, if one tries, he can still have a happy-ever-after ending. This is why I will strive to be the person I dream of being. My future is in my hands, and I hope I can mold it into something right.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author details what kind of life he/she would like to be living in 20 years. The student demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience and task. (“ On the contrary, each of us should live life beyond its boundaries and take risks so we'll never have to deal with the feeling of remorse. In my opinion, I would never want to be wondering how it would have felt like to ride Supreme Scream, how fun it would have been to go to Prom, or even what it would be like to have had children when I'm age progressed. I want to experience everything and live life to the fullest.”) The author provides relevant and detailed supporting descriptions.

Content & Development

The author supplies sufficient appropriate details to support the future world described in the essay. The author is particularly detailed in describing where he/she would like to live (“ Paradise to me is far more that just a place, but it is also a feeling. It is happiness, comfort, and joy all rolled into one. Hawaii is a destination in where I can seek all of the above. If I do move there, I want to live right next to the beach. Not only will this be convenient for my job, but I can also relax on the shore during times of leisure.”) and the type of person he/she would like to become (“In the next twenty years, my desire is to be someone that is a responsible adult with an aim in life. Learning from my mistakes, I have already developed into a person that is mature and more understanding.”).

Organization

The writer is skilled at organizing his/her thoughts and has structured this essay in a unified, coherent manner. The introduction attempts to gain the reader’s interest. (“ Nobody has the power to stay young forever. I'm sure a number of people would like to live the life of the classic character Peter Pan, but we all know that this can only go as far as being an exaggerated fantasy.”) Transitions are seen throughout the response, ensuring that the essay flows smoothly (“Ever since I was little” and “On the other hand”). The conclusion appropriately ties it all together. (“Life is not invariably a fairy tale, but, if one tries, he can still have a happy-ever-after ending.”)

Language Use & Style

This student demonstrates very appropriate language use and style. Word choice is precise and distinctive. (“ As life goes on, we come to know that time has the competency to take all, the right to move on, and the capability of making each individual older as the minutes tick.”) Sentences are well-structured and varied and exhibit the author’s unique voice. (“With an immense amount of dreams just dying to be released in the palm of my hands, I can easily depict what my future will be like in twenty years.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Demonstrating g ood control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, the author commits very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. Whatever mistakes are visible do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My life in twenty years will be great. I will have the job I've always wanted. I will be married to my dream man and live in my dream house. Me and my really good friends will still be close. I will also have two cute little children. I won't live in Utah anymore but California instead.

Okay my family will be fun. I will be married to a very good looking man, he will be tall dark and handsome. We will have two little girls. A 10 year old and a 8 year old. Every sunday night we will have a nice sunday dinner at my parents house, my sister and her husband will also be there with their two children. we will live in a cute house by the beach, and live only fifteen minutes away from my parent and sister.

I will be a hair stylist working in my own salon. My sister will also be working there she will be doing nails instead. A few of my friends will be working withe me. My husband will either be a lawyer or a doctor. I will have gone to beauty school while living in Utah . me and my husband will have met and later moved to California . We will have gotten married in the San Diego temple.

Me and my best friend Emily will still be very good friends. Emily and her husband will live less than twenty minutes away. Our kids will be very good friends and our husbands will work together. My other best friend Abigail will also live very close. Abby will be a very famous movie director or screen writer. She will be married to a way handsome black body builder and she will have three very cute kids. Every few Saturdays well get together and do a barbecue or going to Disneyland .

My life in twenty years will be very exciting. I will have my dream job and the perfect family. I will still be close to My two very good friends Emily and Abigail.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates a complete message to the intended audience. The author discusses, in some detail, how she envisions her future, in terms of her husband, occupation, and domestic arrangements (“ My life in twenty years will be great. I will have the job I've always wanted. I will be married to my dream man and live in my dream house. Me and my really good friends will still be close. I will also have two cute little children. I won't live in Utah anymore but California instead ”). Still, this essay could be improved if the author shared more details about how she would have changed, perhaps emotionally or psychologically. As it is, the author adequately completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author provides sufficient details to support the ideas she presents. Each of the three body paragraphs describes in some detail one aspect of the author’s future: her family, occupation, and friends (“ I will be married to a very good looking man, he will be tall dark and handsome … I will be a hair stylist working in my own salon … Me and my best friend Emily will still be very good friends ”). Details such as these enable the reader to properly visualize the author’s central theme.

Organization

This essay is tightly organized. The introduction and conclusion each summarize the central theme of the author’s narrative. The three body paragraphs each address one of the author’s key points. (“My life in twenty years will be great. I will have the job I've always wanted. I will be married to my dream man and live in my dream house. Me and my really good friends will still be close. I will also have two cute little children. I won't live in Utah anymore but California instead.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is appropriate given the audience and purpose of the prompt. The author assumes an upbeat, hopeful tone in this essay, which is a wonderful way to think about the future. In addition to this control of voice, the author generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

(“I will be a hair stylist working in my own salon. My sister will also be working there she will be doing nails instead. A few of my friends will be working withe me. My husband will either be a lawyer or a doctor. I will have gone to beauty school while living in Utah .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The astute reader will detect a few, mostly minor, errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“ My sister will also be working there she will be doing nails instead. A few of my friends will be working withe me. My husband will either be a lawyer or a doctor. I will have gone to beauty school while living in Utah . me and my husband will have met and later moved to California . We will have gotten married in the San Diego temple.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At the age of forty, I have a picture in mind that I would have a sweet family and a beloved husband who accompany and support me like a friend. I would also have many children and grandchildren who are independent enough that I will not need to worry about them. These are all basic elements which compose of my ideal family. However, I have a dream like others have their own dream as well; that is, traveling around the world, with my husband, in particular.

My priority will be Ha Kai Too in northern Japan . It is such a romantic place for lovers. I read a series comic from Japan , there was a scene drew in Ha Kai Too with heavy snow. From then on, the snow white Ha Kai Too attracted me deeply so that I swear someday I must go to enjoy that wonderful scenery.

The second site I attempt to conquer with my husband is Europe , a continent with various countries. While visiting Italy , I could have a chance to admire the well-known white city. By looking around the flea market, I might happen to buy something valuable and unique! My husband and I can take a picture with remarkable lean tower of Pisa and leave my footstep in Rofu palace. It can be fantastic that so many places I can visit and I would have a long trip in Europe .

The world is so wide and full of different cultures that is worth while to discover. With my husband’s accompany, the traveling would be no regret. This is the life I would like to live up to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author first mentions the possibility of obtaining the perfect family in the future, but then veers away from this ideal and considers what she might do with her family (“ These are all basic elements which compose of my ideal family. However, I have a dream like others have their own dream as well; that is, traveling around the world, with my husband, in particular ”). This central theme remains the focus of the author’s narrative and is at least partially communicated to the intended audience. Thus, this essay shows some understanding of the purpose and audience and completes some parts of the task.

Content & Development

Some details are provided to help the reader appreciate the author’s vision of her future. In the second paragraph the author cites an obscure, romantic hideaway in Japan , while in the third paragraph, the author briefly discusses some of the sites she would like to visit in Europe (“ My priority will be Ha Kai Too in northern Japan . It is such a romantic place for lovers ” and “ The second site I attempt to conquer with my husband is Europe , a continent with various countries ”). This essay could be improved if more information about these places, and the importance they hold for the author, was provided.

Organization

There is evidence of a unified structure in this response. A simple introduction and conclusion (“ The world is so wide and full of different cultures that is worth while to discover ”) have been provided for the reader, and the two body paragraphs are focused on each of the author’s two desired getaways. Moreover, simple transitional devices (“ My priority will be … The second site ”) are used to help the reader flow from one idea to the next.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language and sentence construction can best be described as simple and a little bland; some of the author’s descriptions of travel destinations, for example, lack the vivid language they deserve (“ While visiting Italy , I could have a chance to admire the well-known white city. By looking around the flea market, I might happen to buy something valuable and unique! My husband and I can take a picture with remarkable lean tower of Pisa and leave my footstep in Rofu palace ”). The author generally addresses the right audience with a moderated voice .

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains basic control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. While few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are obvious to the reader, a number of sentences in this passage can be deemed awkward (“ However, I have a dream like others have their own dream as well; that is, traveling around the world, with my husband, in particular”).

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Twenty years from now I will have a great family. I will also have a very nice car. My job will be the greatest, and I will be a happy man.

In my family I will have 3 boys and 1 girl. The first boys names will be, Dean and Tim. And the girls name will be Anastasia. My wonderful wife will be at my side all of the time. We will also have a family dog named Chap.

My very nice car will be an Audi tt with a v-10 engine. It will have leather seats and a 12 disc cd changer.

And my dog will have its own kennel in the trunk.

My job will be the best. I am going to be an airline pilot and a professional golfer. I will be able to fly my own plane to all of my golf tounaments. And I can take my family in it.

Over all I think that my family will be great. My car will be great. And my job will be great. I will be a happy man.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author attempts to convey a fairly simple message to the audience (“ Over all I think that my family will be great. My car will be great. And my job will be great. I will be a happy man ”). While the author does remain focused on this controlling idea throughout the essay, the theme itself is simplistic and shallow, and it fails to truly communicate to the reader who the author will be at that time. Thus, this essay s uggests a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and completes few parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author supplies some details about what he thinks his family, car, and job will be like in twenty years, although the image he creates is fundamentally incomplete and inadequate (“ In my family I will have 3 boys and 1 girl … My very nice car will be an Audi … I am going to be an airline pilot and a professional golfer ”). Such details do not enable the reader to fully appreciate what the author’s life will really be like in twenty years.

Organization

Some sense of organization can be detected in this essay. Both the introduction and conclusion are short and fail to truly excite the reader about the author’s central theme. The body paragraphs are roughly organized around the author’s descriptions of his family, car, and job. The lack of transitional devices in this essay makes it sound choppy and disjointed.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is too simple for the level of this task. The sentences are typically short, repetitive, and lack the kind of detail that would help the reader to accurately visualize the author’s life in twenty years (“ Twenty years from now I will have a great family. I will also have a very nice car. My job will be the greatest, and I will be a happy man ” and “ Over all I think that my family will be great. My car will be great. And my job will be great ”). Several sentences in this short response begin with the article “and,” which is an awkward form of sentence construction (“ And my dog will have its own kennel in the trunk ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ tounaments ”) mar this essay in which the author demonstrates a fair amount of control of the mechanics and conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In twenty years i will done with college then i am going to be a louer for 10 year then i am going to go work as a cop during this time i live in a aprtment then working for F.B.I for a coply of years i will stop working buy a house and a car and i want a skyline. Then i get a gril friend. After a 8 mounths we will go to were ever she wants. I will have a boy and a gril. Then when they are 10 or a 11 we will move to florda.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is unsuccessful in creating a meaningful narrative to describe the author’s life in twenty years. Beyond simply restating the title of this prompt, the author appears unable to establish a controlling idea (“ In twenty years i will done with college ”) that engages the reader in an interesting way and addresses the purpose of the prompt. Thus, this essay completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author provides a list of random attributes that may be interpreted as an attempt to describe the author’s life in twenty years (“ Then i get a gril friend. After a 8 mounths we will go to were ever she wants. I will have a boy and a gril. Then when they are 10 or a 11 we will move to florda”). Yet, this list is not a narrative, and without supporting details or a story of some length, the author’s ideas emerge as inadequately supported and uninteresting to the reader.

Organization

No sense of organization is evident in this response. Indeed, it is difficult to even discern a sense of chronological progression in this response. Run-on sentences and a lack of meaningful transitional devices force the author’s ideas into what can best be described as a meaningless blend of words.

Language Use & Style

The style of language that characterizes this essay is i nadequate for the assigned task. Frequently unclear and incoherent, the author commits numerous basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage (“ After a 8 mounths we will go to were ever she wants ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains virtually no control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Major errors in grammar (“ In twenty years i will done with college then i am going to be a louer for 10 year then i am going to go work as a cop during this time i live in a aprtment then working for F.B.I for a coply of years i will stop working buy a house and a car and i want a skyline ”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ louer ”) significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Life Without Electronic Media

Most of us rely on electronic media, such as video games, computers, TV, and cell phones, for information and entertainment. What if all electronic media disappeared? What would we do for entertainment? How would we communicate with our friends and families?

Write a unique story about life without electronic media. What caused these technologies to disappear? What will people do to entertain themselves without these devices? Make your story interesting and unusual so that your audience will want to read every word.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I was crying so harshly; it felt like my heart just died out. How could any movie be so sad? I watched with singing dismay as my two best friends, Anita and Calvin, got up off the couch and walked into my kitchen, with nothing on their mind but food.

After finishing my sad, heartbreaking movie for the 11th time, I wiped up my tears and joined my friends near the refrigerator. They were hobbling along scavenging for any edible items in our refrigerator, and I giggled at the sight. Suddenly, everything in the room fell dark, and every machine that required electricity blocked out and shut down. My friends took their heads out from the now not usable refrigerator, and looked around shockingly.

"What happened?" Anita and Calvin asked at the exact same time.

"No idea, let's wait until my mom comes home until we do anything," I proclaimed.

They nodded their heads and helped gather bags filled with chips and some board games, as I rearranged the furniture in my family room to accommodate our entertainment area.

We were right in the middle of our fifth round of Monopoly when my mom opened the back door and heaved a sigh from her day of work. The three of us rushed to her, begging to know what happened to the electricity.

"Hold on! There was late traffic coming home and I'm as tired as a runner who just finished their marathon, give me a second!" She pushed us away, set her belongings aside, and took some breaths on the living room sofa.

"You sixteen year-olds should be able to predict what happened, but anyways, just a shortage of electricity has ruined our California sunshine for a few days." My mom announced.

"A few days?! The whole state has no power?" We gasped and took turns giving each other shocked looks.

"Well you three can handle it, it's not much to think about. Just spend the few days experiencing what it would feel like without electronic media, games, the internet, cell phones, or music players. Try to imagine what it was like for older times. Life isn't about technology, it is about learning new, exciting adventures, or meeting new people and places. It's for us to explore, not for everyone to sit around hovering over a computer all day!" She started to sound like a teacher rallying her class.

We mumbled 'alright' and 'okay', while my mother went upstairs to take a nap.

"How are we going to survive the whole weekend with nothing to do?!" I groaned.

"No electricity for us is like a fish with no water: IMPOSSIBLE!" Anita whined.

"We're going to be entirely hopeless," Calvin sighed, "Well, since there doesn't seem like much to do here, let's head out around the city, you know, get some ideas for some excitement."

Anita and I agreed, so we grabbed our transportation: bike for Calvin, scooter for Anita, and skateboard for me. We were off, and ready to search for true activity without electronic media.

After a mere 15 minutes of traveling down blocks, we found the neighborhood park and stopped there. Anita, Calvin, and I looked around the empty, grassy lands, and found the whole park to ourselves. Finding a left-behind basketball, we played a few rounds of shooting hoops, then hopped back on our transportation, headed for the ice cream shop inside the local mall.

We spent plenty of hours there, window shopping, spending loads of money on sweet treats, and goofing around in the young kids' playground. It was a heck of a joy ride, but we still returned to our boredom and lack of electronic media.

"Ugh, I'm so bored. We haven't done anything today." Anita said, while laying flat on her back on the ground. The three of us gathered the energy to get ourselves to the skate park, which was where we were now.

"How come life is so dull without anything to entertain yourself with?" Calvin groaned and joined Anita on the ground. As they held their head up high looking at the sky, I sat up straight and thought of our next destination.

"Hey, it's not that rough. We've been having fun, right you two?" They looked at me like I came from another planet. Suddenly, I remembered that we left the house without telling my mom where we were going! I shrieked out loud and thought of a way to tell her without going home! It would be too early to go back to my house now, but it was definitely too much work to travel all the way there, and back to our next destination.

"I forgot to tell my mom that we were leaving the house, she's probably screaming her head off wondering where we are. I can't use my phone either, since there's none of our electronics are working!" I started to panic, and told my friends to brainstorm as quickly as they could.

Yet after a few 10 minutes, none of us came up with a suitable idea for alerting my mom where we were. Just as I was about to announce we should head home, Anita came up with an idea.

"Your mom always carries a walkie-talkie she uses for work and it can connect with other devices if you know the code, right? Just go across the street and purchase one." Anita finished and pointed at the store in front of us. Billy's Gear, it read.

"You're so right! I can probably search for one there, come on!" I rushed over there with my skateboard, as Calvin and Anita groaned, but followed me distantly.

At the counter, I bought one immediately, and dialed in my mother's walkie-talkie code: 5413. As soon as I got a connection, I alerted her of our location, and she was fine. Turns out, she was sleeping the whole time, and didn't even notice us gone!

Finally, we returned home. It was sort of pointless buying the walkie-talkie since we traveled back there right after telling my mom, but wasn't totally useless, since Calvin and Anita bought one also, so we could keep in touch with each other, until the electricity returned.

Still bored and reluctant to get our butts off the floor, we stayed there until my mom came out of her bedroom all dressed up and formal.

"What are you three doing home so soon? I thought you were going to stay out much longer, it seemed like you guys were having fun when you called me," She asked.

"We didn't do anything at all, Mom. All we did was play basketball at the park, take a swim in the nearby lake, visit the local mall, enjoy a sun bath outside the outdoor shops, took a long round of circles at the skate rink, and-" I stopped. We had done a lot! None of us realized, but we spent the whole day out and about, having the time of our lives! And the best part is, we did it without any electronic media!

Suddenly, my friends realized the exact same thing, and it was wonderful! We managed to enjoy the entire day without any electronics! What a heck of a Saturday we had. We hoped tomorrow would be just as satisfying.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are demonstrated in this essay, along with a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides a wealth of description and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is clear. (“I was crying so harshly; it felt like my heart just died out. How could any movie be so sad? I watched with singing dismay as my two best friends, Anita and Calvin, got up off the couch and walked into my kitchen, with nothing on their mind but food. …After finishing my sad, heartbreaking movie for the 11th time, I wiped up my tears and joined my friends near the refrigerator. They were hobbling along scavenging for any edible items in our refrigerator, and I giggled at the sight. Suddenly, everything in the room fell dark, and every machine that required electricity blocked out and shut down. My friends took their heads out from the now not usable refrigerator, and looked around shockingly.”)

All of the parts of the story relate to the main event. (“ Finally, we returned home. It was sort of pointless buying the walkie-talkie since we traveled back there right after telling my mom, but wasn't totally useless, since Calvin and Anita bought one also, so we could keep in touch with each other, until the electricity returned.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. (“ ‘Well you three can handle it, it's not much to think about. Just spend the few days experiencing what it would feel like without electronic media, games, the internet, cell phones, or music players. Try to imagine what it was like for older times. Life isn't about technology, it is about learning new, exciting adventures, or meeting new people and places. It's for us to explore, not for everyone to sit around hovering over a computer all day!’ She started to sound like a teacher rallying her class.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“ After finishing my sad, heartbreaking movie for the 11th time, I wiped up my tears and joined my friends near the refrigerator. They were hobbling along scavenging for any edible items in our refrigerator, and I giggled at the sight. Suddenly, everything in the room fell dark, and every machine that required electricity blocked out and shut down. My friends took their heads out from the now not usable refrigerator, and looked around shockingly.”)

Content & Development

Content and development in this essay are very effective. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters. The essay, furthermore, clearly establishes tension that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts and make the story come to life.

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the conflict. (“‘No electricity for us is like a fish with no water: IMPOSSIBLE!’ Anita whined. ‘We're going to be entirely hopeless,’ Calvin sighed, ‘Well, since there doesn't seem like much to do here, let's head out around the city, you know, get some ideas for some excitement.’”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“‘We’re going to be entirely hopeless,’ Calvin sighed, ‘Well, since there doesn't seem like much to do here, let's head out around the city, you know, get some ideas for some excitement.’ …Anita and I agreed, so we grabbed our transportation: bike for Calvin, scooter for Anita, and skateboard for me. We were off, and ready to search for true activity without electronic media. …After a mere 15 minutes of traveling down blocks, we found the neighborhood park and stopped there. Anita, Calvin, and I looked around the empty, grassy lands, and found the whole park to ourselves. Finding a left-behind basketball, we played a few rounds of shooting hoops, then hopped back on our transportation, headed for the ice cream shop inside the local mall.”)

Action words, such as “mumble” and “grown” from the MY Access! Word Bank are used very effectively. (“‘We mumbled 'alright' and 'okay', while my mother went upstairs to take a nap.’ …‘How come life is so dull without anything to entertain yourself with?’ Calvin groaned and joined Anita on the ground.”)

The story very effectively states a surprise ending/lesson. (“‘We didn't do anything at all, Mom. All we did was play basketball at the park, take a swim in the nearby lake, visit the local mall, enjoy a sun bath outside the outdoor shops, took a long round of circles at the skate rink, and-’ I stopped. We had done a lot! None of us realized, but we spent the whole day out and about, having the time of our lives! And the best part is, we did it without any electronic media! …Suddenly, my friends realized the exact same thing, and it was wonderful! We managed to enjoy the entire day without any electronics! What a heck of a Saturday we had. We hoped tomorrow would be just as satisfying.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is witnessed in this essay. The introduction captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. Excellent transitions that support sequential development enable the writing to flow very smoothly. Lastly, the ending successfully pulls the entire story together.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including an exclamation or phrase from a character. (“I was crying so harshly; it felt like my heart just died out. How could any movie be so sad? I watched with singing dismay as my two best friends, Anita and Calvin, got up off the couch and walked into my kitchen, with nothing on their mind but food.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“After a mere 15 minutes of traveling down blocks, we found the neighborhood park and stopped there. Anita, Calvin, and I looked around the empty, grassy lands, and found the whole park to ourselves. … Suddenly, my friends realized the exact same thing, and it was wonderful!”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“Suddenly, my friends realized the exact same thing, and it was wonderful! We managed to enjoy the entire day without any electronics! What a heck of a Saturday we had. We hoped tomorrow would be just as satisfying.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are exhibited throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also seen.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph through language and tone. ( “I was crying so harshly; it felt like my heart just died out. How could any movie be so sad? I watched with singing dismay as my two best friends, Anita and Calvin, got up off the couch and walked into my kitchen, with nothing on their mind but food. …After finishing my sad, heartbreaking movie for the 11th time, I wiped up my tears and joined my friends near the refrigerator. They were hobbling along scavenging for any edible items in our refrigerator, and I giggled at the sight. Suddenly, everything in the room fell dark, and every machine that required electricity blocked out and shut down. My friends took their heads out from the now not usable refrigerator, and looked around shockingly.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“I was crying so harshly; it felt like my heart just died out. How could any movie be so sad? I watched with singing dismay as my two best friends, Anita and Calvin, got up off the couch and walked into my kitchen, with nothing on their mind but food. …After finishing my sad, heartbreaking movie for the 11th time, I wiped up my tears and joined my friends near the refrigerator. They were hobbling along scavenging for any edible items in our refrigerator, and I giggled at the sight. Suddenly, everything in the room fell dark, and every machine that required electricity blocked out and shut down. My friends took their heads out from the now not usable refrigerator, and looked around shockingly.”)

The complex sentence, “ After finishing my sad, heartbreaking movie for the 11th time, I wiped up my tears and joined my friends near the refrigerator,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is conveyed throughout this essay, with f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ We spent plenty of hours there, window shopping, spending loads of money on sweet treats, and goofing around in the young kids' playground.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ We hoped tomorrow would be just as satisfying.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ We managed to enjoy the entire day without any electronics!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I was calmly walking along the sidewalks of the beach. It was a cool breezy night and you could feel the mists of the ocean spray on your leg. Then I reached my two story house. I walked in and heard the news was on. There were big red words on the screen saying "All Electronic Media Containing Poisonous Gases!". My mother was sitting on the couch, enjoying a chocolate mango mousse. She looked obviously worried and then she stood up and went upstairs. When she came down, there were wire cutters in her hands. Suddenly, she ran straight into the TV and cut all the wired off. The TV fell straight to the floor and there was a huge crash. I was shocked. My mother had saved up her whole months worth of salary for this TV and she just willingy cut all the wires off and breaks it. When I realized what had happend, she had a trash bag in her hand. Inside was my DS and some of my other electronic fun toys. I saw her go straight outside and toss everything inside the dumpster. I kept on complaining to her how we won't be able to watch our favorite shows, but she didn't listen and just kept on eating her mousse and staring into the place where the TV used to be.

I was in a real bad mood. How could my mom just throw away my lifes savings of electronics. Annoyed, I went into my room and started drawing out my emotions. Now I wouldn't be able to print cute pictures of anime. Also I wouldn't be able to text or talk to my friends over the phone. I would have to just sit there all day long daydreaming myself playing video games that I could be playing right now if it wasn't for my mom. Worst of all, I couldn't watch anime! Also, I will have to use my brain to read clocks that weren't electronic. Also when I'm on the car, I will be always bored since there will be no more radios to listen to. Did I mention that my mother sold our Lexus for those cheap nineteen eighty seven cars? I was so annoyed I decided to just take a shower and go to sleep.

The next morning, I went downstairs and ate a bowl of cereal and toast. Then when I was eating, I realized something. I could entertain myself with a good book, or go outside and play some sports to get some exercise. Then I heard a shout, "Susie! I need you to go get some more dog food for your puppy!" I replied with a gleeful voice, "Ok, Mom!" I quickly ran down to the nearest supermarket to get the products that I need. I went inside and I screamed. There were no more check out places and those do the pricing yourself this anymore. My eyes started to water but I used my sleeve and wiped the tears out of my eyes.

I quickly got the dog food and did some math to give the cashier and easier time. I ran home, and threw the pet food on the front porch and ran off to ride my bike along the limits of the city. While I was bicycling, I saw the wonders of the world. There were people flying kites throughout the sky or kids playing frisbee with their dogs. I knew that just sitting there all day long wasn't a solution, so that afternoon I took my puppy on a walk. When I walked home my puppy and I were were soaked. My puppy had seen a bunch of seagulls by the beach and she ran straight for them. She wasn't able to control herself and she dragged herself and me straight into the waves. My mother had seen us all wet so she quickly went upstairs to get some towels for us. While mom was upstairs, I saw the black trash bag my mom had thrown away yesterday. When Mom came down, she handed me her favorite fuzzy pink towel that was made especially for her.

I questioned my mother about why the trash bags were still here. She then explained the story. The news channel had gotten a mix up and instead of a poisonous gas leaking out, the air leaking out was fresh. So she had gotten back the bag and repaired the TV. I was so happy I cried. But my mom didn't notice since she thought the tears were the ocean water. Happily, I skipped upstairs,took a shower, and then gave my puppy a bath. I was really surprised on how these events turned out. First no electronic media, then there is electronic media. These days made me realize there is more to life then electronics.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are provided in this essay. The writing demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer also provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The events in the story are often consistent with the prompt. (“ I quickly got the dog food and did some math to give the cashier and easier time. I ran home, and threw the pet food on the front porch and ran off to ride my bike along the limits of the city. While I was bicycling, I saw the wonders of the world. There were people flying kites throughout the sky or kids playing frisbee with their dogs. I knew that just sitting there all day long wasn't a solution, so that afternoon I took my puppy on a walk.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. (“I was calmly walking along the sidewalks of the beach. It was a cool breezy night and you could feel the mists of the ocean spray on your leg. Then I reached my two story house. I walked in and heard the news was on. There were big red words on the screen saying "All Electronic Media Containing Poisonous Gases!". My mother was sitting on the couch, enjoying a chocolate mango mousse. She looked obviously worried and then she stood up and went upstairs. When she came down, there were wire cutters in her hands. Suddenly, she ran straight into the TV and cut all the wired off. The TV fell straight to the floor and there was a huge crash. I was shocked. My mother had saved up her whole months worth of salary for this TV and she just willingy cut all the wires off and breaks it. When I realized what had happend, she had a trash bag in her hand. Inside was my DS and some of my other electronic fun toys. I saw her go straight outside and toss everything inside the dumpster. I kept on complaining to her how we won't be able to watch our favorite shows, but she didn't listen and just kept on eating her mousse and staring into the place where the TV used to be.”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed effectively. (“ I was calmly walking along the sidewalks of the beach. It was a cool breezy night and you could feel the mists of the ocean spray on your leg.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose effectively. (“The next morning, I went downstairs and ate a bowl of cereal and toast. Then when I was eating, I realized something. I could entertain myself with a good book, or go outside and play some sports to get some exercise. Then I heard a shout, ‘Susie! I need you to go get some more dog food for your puppy!’ I replied with a gleeful voice, ‘Ok, Mom!’ I quickly ran down to the nearest supermarket to get the products that I need. I went inside and I screamed. There were no more check out places and those do the pricing yourself this anymore. My eyes started to water but I used my sleeve and wiped the tears out of my eyes.”)

Content & Development

This writer has written a story with good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting, while creating believable characters and establishing a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used effectively to reveal the characters’ thoughts.

Effect sensory details develop the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“ My mother was sitting on the couch, enjoying a chocolate mango mousse. She looked obviously worried and then she stood up and went upstairs. When she came down, there were wire cutters in her hands. Suddenly, she ran straight into the TV and cut all the wired off. The TV fell straight to the floor and there was a huge crash.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem. (“Then I heard a shout, ‘Susie! I need you to go get some more dog food for your puppy!’ I replied with a gleeful voice, ‘Ok, Mom!’ I quickly ran down to the nearest supermarket to get the products that I need. I went inside and I screamed. There were no more check out places and those do the pricing yourself this anymore. My eyes started to water but I used my sleeve and wiped the tears out of my eyes.”)

The outcome is effectively described. (“I questioned my mother about why the trash bags were still here. She then explained the story. The news channel had gotten a mix up and instead of a poisonous gas leaking out, the air leaking out was fresh. So she had gotten back the bag and repaired the TV. I was so happy I cried. But my mom didn't notice since she thought the tears were the ocean water. Happily, I skipped upstairs,took a shower, and then gave my puppy a bath. I was really surprised on how these events turned out. First no electronic media, then there is electronic media. These days made me realize there is more to life then electronics.”)

Organization

Good organization is evident within this story. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, and the ending provides the readers with a sense of completion.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including an exclamation. (“ I was calmly walking along the sidewalks of the beach. It was a cool breezy night and you could feel the mists of the ocean spray on your leg. Then I reached my two story house. I walked in and heard the news was on. There were big red words on the screen saying ‘All Electronic Media Containing Poisonous Gases!’”)

Transitions are effectively used to make the beginning creative and exciting. (“ I was calmly walking along the sidewalks of the beach. It was a cool breezy night and you could feel the mists of the ocean spray on your leg. Then I reached my two story house. … Suddenly , she ran straight into the TV and cut all the wired off. The TV fell straight to the floor and there was a huge crash. I was shocked.”)

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). At first, all is calm for the protagonist, but then things quickly turn. The words used contribute to this contrast in mood. (“ I was calmly walking along the sidewalks of the beach. It was a cool breezy night and you could feel the mists of the ocean spray on your leg. Then I reached my two story house. I walked in and heard the news was on. There were big red words on the screen saying ‘All Electronic Media Containing Poisonous Gases!’. My mother was sitting on the couch, enjoying a chocolate mango mousse. She looked obviously worried and then she stood up and went upstairs. When she came down, there were wire cutters in her hands. Suddenly, she ran straight into the TV and cut all the wired off. The TV fell straight to the floor and there was a huge crash. I was shocked.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ The next morning, I went downstairs and ate a bowl of cereal and toast. Then when I was eating, I realized something. I could entertain myself with a good book, or go outside and play some sports to get some exercise.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is apparent in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent in the use of adjectives and imagery. (“ I was calmly walking along the sidewalks of the beach. It was a cool breezy night and you could feel the mists of the ocean spray on your leg. … When Mom came down, she handed me her favorite fuzzy pink towel that was made especially for her.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ I was in a real bad mood. How could my mom just throw away my lifes savings of electronics. Annoyed, I went into my room and started drawing out my emotions. Now I wouldn't be able to print cute pictures of anime. Also I wouldn't be able to text or talk to my friends over the phone. I would have to just sit there all day long daydreaming myself playing video games that I could be playing right now if it wasn't for my mom. Worst of all, I couldn't watch anime! Also, I will have to use my brain to read clocks that weren't electronic. Also when I'm on the car, I will be always bored since there will be no more radios to listen to. Did I mention that my mother sold our Lexus for those cheap nineteen eighty seven cars? I was so annoyed I decided to just take a shower and go to sleep. …The next morning, I went downstairs and ate a bowl of cereal and toast. Then when I was eating, I realized something. I could entertain myself with a good book, or go outside and play some sports to get some exercise. Then I heard a shout, "Susie! I need you to go get some more dog food for your puppy!" I replied with a gleeful voice, "Ok, Mom!" I quickly ran down to the nearest supermarket to get the products that I need. I went inside and I screamed. There were no more check out places and those do the pricing yourself this anymore. My eyes started to water but I used my sleeve and wiped the tears out of my eyes.”)

The compound sentence, “ I kept on complaining to her how we won't be able to watch our favorite shows, but she didn't listen and just kept on eating her mousse and staring into the place where the TV used to be,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present that do not interfere with the message.

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ I questioned my mother about why the trash bags were still here. I questioned my mother about why the trash bags were still here.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ She then explained the story.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ These days made me realize there is more to life then electronics.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

As the rockets flame exhaust propels the speedingcraft upward, while scorching the ground below the US Amy General's hopes and the weapon's inventor's dreams lie in the rocket about to release an improved electro magnetic bomb capable of knocking out electronic media across the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Suddenly a red light starts to flash and an alarm rings. Disaster is striking! The Weapon is going out of the test area. It's momentum is carrying the rocket up farther than predicted, and civilian areas across the country will be affected. The general shouts," Stop that bonb", but it is too late the computers controlling the rocket were useless the weapon had gone off.

At his home in the pleasant suburb of Arcadia Bryan was checking his Email when "pop" the screen went black. Bryan had no reason to belive this wasn't another blown fuse so he yelled to his mother, "Did you blow a fuse again?"

"No, I was in the office Bryan honey. All I was using was a lamp and my cellphone." "Wait a minute my cell isn't working!" After hearing that bryan was convinced something might be seriously wrong. he flicked on the TV to see if the problem was being reported on the news, but nothing happened. The screen was blank. Then Bryan realizedf the lights were not even on. All electric powered devices were gone. Bryan who was a bit over weight, hated excersize, had no friends, and got most of his entertainment from a screen was not going to have a good time.

After sitting on the couch for two hours because there were no video games to play Bryan Swined to his mom, "I'm bored".

This was very irritating for his mother who was in a buisiness call when the electronics died so she swiftly replied, "Well if you go to the park and excersize you might not be so bored". Then she muttered under breath," or over weight".

"How will I get there?", Bryan asked.

"Bike" said his mother who was tired of answering questions.

With that conversation over Bryan with the thought in his mind that this was better than sitting on a couch he got his bike and began to pedal for the park. For the first block Bryan was havin a blast, but the novelty ended with Bryan 's stamina. Halfway through the third of four blocks to the park Bryan started to slow his energy faded and he became lethargic moving slower and slower. Then he finally stopped all together. He looked down and saw that his front wheel had poped when he had stoped. How could I not have seen that thorn Bryan thought to himself. Then he heard the sound of breaks on a nother bike. Then he heard the voice of a boy about his age say, "Need any help?". Bryan replied with "Yes, Un fortunatley I have a flat front tire. Bryan finally looked up to see the boy. It was Steven a kid in his class who was always talking about or playing sports! Then Steven said, “I've got a pump in my back pack if we pump up you tire you can probably make it to the park and home."

I thanked him and he said," Always good to help a new friend." Bryan was shocked this boy who was a total opposite of him would be his friend. Maybe having no electronics isn't so bad.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. It conveys a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is stated. (“As the rockets flame exhaust propels the speedingcraft upward, while scorching the ground below the US Amy General's hopes and the weapon's inventor's dreams lie in the rocket about to release an improved electro magnetic bomb capable of knocking out electronic media across the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Suddenly a red light starts to flash and an alarm rings. Disaster is striking! The Weapon is going out of the test area. It's momentum is carrying the rocket up farther than predicted, and civilian areas across the country will be affected. The general shouts," Stop that bonb", but it is too late the computers controlling the rocket were useless the weapon had gone off.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“ With that conversation over Bryan with the thought in his mind that this was better than sitting on a couch he got his bike and began to pedal for the park. For the first block Bryan was havin a blast, but the novelty ended with Bryan 's stamina. Halfway through the third of four blocks to the park Bryan started to slow his energy faded and he became lethargic moving slower and slower. Then he finally stopped all together. He looked down and saw that his front wheel had poped when he had stoped. How could I not have seen that thorn Bryan thought to himself. Then he heard the sound of breaks on a nother bike. Then he heard the voice of a boy about his age say, ‘Need any help?’. Bryan replied with ‘Yes, Un fortunatley I have a flat front tire. Bryan finally looked up to see the boy. It was Steven a kid in his class who was always talking about or playing sports!”)

There is adequate use of dialogue. (“At his home in the pleasant suburb of Arcadia Bryan was checking his Email when ‘pop’ the screen went black. Bryan had no reason to belive this wasn't another blown fuse so he yelled to his mother, ‘Did you blow a fuse again?’ … ‘No, I was in the office Bryan honey. All I was using was a lamp and my cellphone.’ ‘Wait a minute my cell isn't working!’”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in the story, which provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The writer creates believable characters and establishes a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Some dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“As the rockets flame exhaust propels the speedingcraft upward, while scorching the ground below the US Amy General's hopes and the weapon's inventor's dreams lie in the rocket about to release an improved electro magnetic bomb capable of knocking out electronic media across the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Suddenly a red light starts to flash and an alarm rings. Disaster is striking! The Weapon is going out of the test area. It's momentum is carrying the rocket up farther than predicted, and civilian areas across the country will be affected. The general shouts," Stop that bonb", but it is too late the computers controlling the rocket were useless the weapon had gone off.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s problem. (“‘No, I was in the office Bryan honey. All I was using was a lamp and my cellphone.’ ‘Wait a minute my cell isn't working!’ After hearing that bryan was convinced something might be seriously wrong. he flicked on the TV to see if the problem was being reported on the news, but nothing happened. The screen was blank. Then Bryan realizedf the lights were not even on. All electric powered devices were gone. Bryan who was a bit over weight, hated excersize, had no friends, and got most of his entertainment from a screen was not going to have a good time.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“With that conversation over Bryan with the thought in his mind that this was better than sitting on a couch he got his bike and began to pedal for the park. For the first block Bryan was havin a blast, but the novelty ended with Bryan 's stamina. Halfway through the third of four blocks to the park Bryan started to slow his energy faded and he became lethargic moving slower and slower. Then he finally stopped all together. He looked down and saw that his front wheel had poped when he had stoped. How could I not have seen that thorn Bryan thought to himself. Then he heard the sound of breaks on a nother bike. Then he heard the voice of a boy about his age say, ‘Need any help?’. Bryan replied with ‘Yes, Un fortunatley I have a flat front tire. Bryan finally looked up to see the boy. It was Steven a kid in his class who was always talking about or playing sports! Then Steven said, ‘I’ve got a pump in my back pack if we pump up you tire you can probably make it to the park and home.’”)

Organization

This story demonstrates adequate organization. It provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The mood in the beginning is set with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ As the rockets flame exhaust propels the speedingcraft upward, while scorching the ground below the US Amy General's hopes and the weapon's inventor's dreams lie in the rocket about to release an improved electro magnetic bomb capable of knocking out electronic media across the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Suddenly a red light starts to flash and an alarm rings. Disaster is striking!”)

The story grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“As the rockets flame exhaust propels the speedingcraft upward, while scorching the ground below the US Amy General's hopes and the weapon's inventor's dreams lie in the rocket about to release an improved electro magnetic bomb capable of knocking out electronic media across the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Suddenly a red light starts to flash and an alarm rings. Disaster is striking! The Weapon is going out of the test area. It's momentum is carrying the rocket up farther than predicted, and civilian areas across the country will be affected. The general shouts," Stop that bonb", but it is too late the computers controlling the rocket were useless the weapon had gone off.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ After hearing that bryan was convinced something might be seriously wrong. he flicked on the TV to see if the problem was being reported on the news, but nothing happened. The screen was blank. Then Bryan realizedf the lights were not even on.”)

The ending states a lesson the main character learned. (“ I thanked him and he said, ‘Always good to help a new friend.’ Bryan was shocked this boy who was a total opposite of him would be his friend. Maybe having no electronics isn't so bad.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are shown in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ With that conversation over Bryan with the thought in his mind that this was better than sitting on a couch he got his bike and began to pedal for the park. For the first block Bryan was havin a blast, but the novelty ended with Bryan 's stamina. Halfway through the third of four blocks to the park Bryan started to slow his energy faded and he became lethargic moving slower and slower. Then he finally stopped all together.”)

Exact and specific words (such as “electronic media”) from the prompt task are used adequately. (“ As the rockets flame exhaust propels the speedingcraft upward, while scorching the ground below the US Amy General's hopes and the weapon's inventor's dreams lie in the rocket about to release an improved electro magnetic bomb capable of knocking out electronic media across the United States, Canada, and Mexico.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as in the following example: “ Maybe having no electronics isn't so bad.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Bryan finally looked up to see the boy.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ Then he finally stopped all together.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ He looked down and saw that his front wheel had poped when he had stoped.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Life The year 3456 was a memerable and confusing year. For the first time Earth as a planet was attacked. By who, would be the most asked question. An obvious answer would be the Klingons but thier tecnology wasn't advanced enough to go this far on one tank of fuel. No, in fact it was not them but another power searching group of the Andromida Galaxy. Back to the story I was ten and called Tameran. All the civil wars stopped, and the smartest poeple (including my dad) from each country joined together to figure out how to protect the Earth. Then the most horrible thing happened the wierd space ship started attacking the google, mac, and windows headquarters. Some of the best spaceships that we had built tried to go up and negotiate peace, but the aliens made it clear that all resistance was futile. Then finally after a week of attacks, all the computers crashed.

Everything comes to standstill. With no computers work on Ships stopped autopilots stopped working and for one sickening second everyone was silent. Then all of a sudden the electronics were vaporized and disapeared, along with the mysterious spaceship. With no video games in the middle of the summer kids started to just lay around. Then I had a wonderful idea I called all my friends and invited them to the park. I brought all the old outdoor toys that I had and we spent the whole day playing games. Nobody thuaght about getting a new ipod, gamecube, or WII but that wouldn't of done any good because the blueprints were taken with the copies. Unfortunatly fo the teachers they had to go back to using whiteboards and had to rewrite all their lesson plans. Many years passed and people were living long happy healthy livesbecause all the deseases had been wiped out in the last century.

When I was 20 and going to collage the mysterious ship appeared again and transported all the electronics back to thier designated owners, but by everyone had forgotten about the electronics. Hopefully we will never see that spaceship again but if we do we will know what to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

A limited focus and meaning are conveyed in this story. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event. (“Then the most horrible thing happened the wierd space ship started attacking the google, mac, and windows headquarters. Some of the best spaceships that we had built tried to go up and negotiate peace, but the aliens made it clear that all resistance was futile. Then finally after a week of attacks, all the computers crashed.”)

The events in the story are not always consistent with the prompt. (“ Life The year 3456 was a memerable and confusing year. For the first time Earth as a planet was attacked. By who, would be the most asked question. An obvious answer would be the Klingons but thier tecnology wasn't advanced enough to go this far on one tank of fuel. No, in fact it was not them but another power searching group of the Andromida Galaxy. Back to the story I was ten and called Tameran.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“Back to the story I was ten and called Tameran. All the civil wars stopped, and the smartest poeple (including my dad) from each country joined together to figure out how to protect the Earth. Then the most horrible thing happened the wierd space ship started attacking the google, mac, and windows headquarters. Some of the best spaceships that we had built tried to go up and negotiate peace, but the aliens made it clear that all resistance was futile. Then finally after a week of attacks, all the computers crashed.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are provided. The story consists of an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than just a summary of what happens in the story. A problem may be stated, but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“ Everything comes to a standstill. With no computers to work on Ships stopped autopilots stopped working and for one sickening second everyone was silent. Then all of a sudden the electronics were vaporized and disapeared, along with the mysterious spaceship. With no video games in the middle of the summer kids started to just lay around. Suddenly I had a wonderful idea I called all my friends and invited them to the park. I brought all the old outdoor toys that I had and we spent the whole day playing games.”)

There are limited sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“ Everything comes to a standstill. With no computers to work on Ships stopped autopilots stopped working and for one sickening second everyone was silent. Then all of a sudden the electronics were vaporized and disapeared, along with the mysterious spaceship. With no video games in the middle of the summer kids started to just lay around. Then I had a wonderful idea I called all my friends and invited them to the park. I brought all the old outdoor toys that I had and we spent the whole day playing games. Nobody thuaght about getting a new ipod, gamecube, or WII but that wouldn't of done any good because the blueprints were taken with the copies.”)

The plot is limited. (“With no video games in the middle of the summer kids started to just lay around. Suddenly I had a wonderful idea I called all my friends and invited them to the park. I brought all the old outdoor toys that I had and we spent the whole day playing games. Nobody thuaght about getting a new ipod, gamecube, or WII but that wouldn't of done any good because the blueprints were taken with the copies. Unfortunatly fo the teachers they had to go back to using whiteboards and had to rewrite all their lesson plans. Many years passed and people were living long happy healthy livesbecause all the deseases had been wiped out in the last century.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent in this story. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention; however, readers are provided with some sense of closure. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions may be weak.

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention with details in the beginning. (“ Life The year 3456 was a memerable and confusing year. For the first time Earth as a planet was attacked. By who, would be the most asked question. An obvious answer would be the Klingons but thier tecnology wasn't advanced enough to go this far on one tank of fuel. No, in fact it was not them but another power searching group of the Andromida Galaxy. Back to the story I was ten and called Tameran. All the civil wars stopped, and the smartest poeple (including my dad) from each country joined together to figure out how to protect the Earth. Then the most horrible thing happened the wierd space ship started attacking the google, mac, and windows headquarters. Some of the best spaceships that we had built tried to go up and negotiate peace, but the aliens made it clear that all resistance was futile. Then finally after a week of attacks, all the computers crashed.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Then all of a sudden the electronics were vaporized and disapeared, along with the mysterious spaceship. With no video games in the middle of the summer kids started to just lay around. Suddenly I had a wonderful idea I called all my friends and invited them to the park.”)

The ending demonstrates a limited attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ When I was 20 and going to collage the mysterious ship appeared again and transported all the electronics back to thier designated owners, but by everyone had forgotten about the electronics. Hopefully we will never see that spaceship again but if we do we will know what to do.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are evident in this essay. The writer demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, he/she relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ Then the most horrible thing happened the wierd space ship started attacking the google, mac, and windows headquarters.”)

Exact words are missing, such as “a” and “to” in the following example: “ Everything comes to standstill. With no computers work on Ships stopped autopilots stopped working and for one sickening second everyone was silent.”

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions, as the transition “then” is repeated. (“ Then all of a sudden the electronics were vaporized and disapeared, along with the mysterious spaceship. With no video games in the middle of the summer kids started to just lay around. Then I had a wonderful idea I called all my friends and invited them to the park.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is evident to the reader. There are s everal noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The story does not avoid the use of run-on sentences. (“ Then the most horrible thing happened the wierd space ship started attacking the google, mac, and windows headquarters.”)

The story does not consist of sentences with correct comma usage. (“Hopefully we will never see that spaceship again but if we do we will know what to do.”)

The story does not consist of sentences with correctly spelled words. (“ When I was 20 and going to collage the mysterious ship appeared again and transported all the electronics back to thier designated owners, but by everyone had forgotten about the electronics.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

One normal day, when everyone went to school or worked like usual. Suddenly all the electricity went off. Everyone freked out. The next day, the news paper reports that the main electricity generater has gotten distoried. It says that it will take at lest one year to be fixed.

For one year no one can use e-mail, play vidio games, watched TV, reserched on the computer, there's not even lights at night. The entire nation has to get the new and from the news paper insted of TV. It is getting lmposible for teachers to get homework printed out. Every thing has to be written by hand. When the teachers gives projects, the entire reserch has to be finished by books. They can type their story only if you a type writer.In the sunmmer brake all the childern played outside they got alot of exersise.

Finaly the year ended and they finally had technolegy back. Everything is finally back to normal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story includes minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“Suddenly all the electricity went off. Everyone freked out. The next day, the news paper reports that the main electricity generater has gotten distoried. It says that it will take at lest one year to be fixed. …For one year no one can use e-mail, play vidio games, watched TV, reserched on the computer, there's not even lights at night.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated only minimally. (“One normal day, when everyone went to school or worked like usual. Suddenly all the electricity went off. Everyone freked out. The next day, the news paper reports that the main electricity generater has gotten distoried. It says that it will take at lest one year to be fixed.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Finaly the year ended and they finally had technolegy back. Everything is finally back to normal.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen in this story. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting with characters that are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story and lacks tension or conflict to add interest. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“For one year no one can use e-mail, play vidio games, watched TV, reserched on the computer, there's not even lights at night. The entire nation has to get the new and from the news paper insted of TV. It is getting lmposible for teachers to get homework printed out. Every thing has to be written by hand. When the teachers gives projects, the entire reserch has to be finished by books. They can type their story only if you a type writer.In the sunmmer brake all the childern played outside they got alot of exersise.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“One normal day, when everyone went to school or worked like usual. Suddenly all the electricity went off. Everyone freked out. The next day, the news paper reports that the main electricity generater has gotten distoried. It says that it will take at lest one year to be fixed.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“One normal day, when everyone went to school or worked like usual. Suddenly all the electricity went off. Everyone freked out. The next day, the news paper reports that the main electricity generater has gotten distoried. It says that it will take at lest one year to be fixed.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“For one year no one can use e-mail, play vidio games, watched TV, reserched on the computer, there's not even lights at night. The entire nation has to get the new and from the news paper insted of TV. It is getting lmposible for teachers to get homework printed out. Every thing has to be written by hand. When the teachers gives projects, the entire reserch has to be finished by books. They can type their story only if you a type writer.In the sunmmer brake all the childern played outside they got alot of exersise.”)

Organization

This essay contains minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. In addition, little evidence of an ending is demonstrated.

Transitions are only minimally used to make the beginning creative. (“ One normal day, when everyone went to school or worked like usual. Suddenly all the electricity went off. Everyone freked out. The next day, the news paper reports that the main electricity generater has gotten distoried. It says that it will take at lest one year to be fixed.”)

The beginning includes only minimal background information about the event. (“ One normal day, when everyone went to school or worked like usual. Suddenly all the electricity went off. Everyone freked out. The next day, the news paper reports that the main electricity generater has gotten distoried. It says that it will take at lest one year to be fixed.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Finaly the year ended and they finally had technolegy back. Everything is finally back to normal.”)

The ending does not teach the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the story. (“ Finaly the year ended and they finally had technolegy back. Everything is finally back to normal.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is seen in this story. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors made in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ For one year no one can use e-mail, play vidio games, watched TV, reserched on the computer, there's not even lights at night.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ Suddenly all the electricity went off. Everyone freked out.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ They can type their story only if you a type writer.”)

Word choice is often poor. (“Everyone freked out.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is exhibited in this essay. There are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The story does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ One normal day, when everyone went to school or worked like usual.”)

The story does not consist of sentences with correctly spelled words. (“ In the sunmmer brake all the childern played outside they got alot of exersise.”)

The story does not avoid the use of run-on sentences. (“ For one year no one can use e-mail, play vidio games, watched TV, reserched on the computer, there's not even lights at night.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning in this essay is inadequate. The essay demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

The story does not state the main event of the story. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are shown in this essay. The story l acks an identifiable plot and setting, characters are introduced but not developed, and a lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is apparent in this essay. The story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

The story includes no clear ending. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this story is inadequate. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible.”)

The story uses the same group of words to begin the two sentences in the paragraph. (“ My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. … My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

The style is not formal. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story displays an inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The story does not consist of sentences with correctly spelled words. (“My life was great befor all the electronics stoped, now life is horible. I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's! I cant live nowing I'll never watch George lopez ever again! My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

The story does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“ My life used to be great, sleep untill 9:00 then watch TV for hours and playing video games,rideing motercicles”)

The story does not use punctuation correctly, such as commas. (“ I have no TV no video games or I -pods, cell phones CD players or PSP's!”)

Memoir About Making a Change

Write a memoir to share with your teacher and classmates. Tell about a time you chose to make a change in your own life or to help change something at your school or in your community. In your memoir, tell about the events and express your feelings.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was around 8:30 in the morning, during September of 2005. The first day of my middle school career was finally here and I entered the school nervously. I examined my surroundings and found that there were several buildings. To be more precise, there were six. Every building had blue-green doors, pillars that looked like they were made of a sea of stones, and there were plants invading the campus. One building was different from the rest. It had two stories, four staircases, and an elevator at the center. There were also two portables that I later found out were used for physical education, or P.E., along with the upper and lower fields that resided behind the school. The fields were mostly green, with an exception of dry, yellow grass and brown mud patches here and there. I could feel the gentle breeze that slowly calmed the excitement, nervousness, and fear that had all been mixed together and bottled up inside me. The smell of semi-fresh air, cafeteria food, plants, and small traces of leftover sunscreen from the summer filled my nostrils. The quad looked to me like a hollow, upside-down Aztec or Mayan pyramid that could also be mistaken for an empty swimming pool.

I was no longer a young, elementary school kid. I was a middle school pre-teen. It was not important that I was at the bottom of the food chain. I was there, with my feet resting on the rock-hard cement and asphalt, and feeling more mature. I knew that I needed to become more responsible. Multiple noises could be heard from every direction. There was the sound of teachers discussing plans and students in deep conversations about their summer vacations or their schedules. Supervisors kept the school in order while students played basketball behind the school, laughed at each other's jokes, and opened and closed various doors. My mom came to locate my classrooms and I soon heard her telling me she had to leave. I was climbing up the social ladder, but at the same time, starting at the bottom.

As the quad came into view, I looked around and spotted some of my friends from elementary school.

"How was your summer?" my friend, Alyssa, asked.

"It was good," I replied.

"Really? What did you do?" she asked curiously.

"Well, I went swimming, to the beach, slept in, and spent a lot of time at home. It would not call it the best summer experience," I informed her. We continued to talk about our vacations and it was not long before the first bell of the day rang. I made my way towards Homeroom with some other companions that I was reunited with that morning. They all had homeroom in the same building, but none of them had the same homeroom as I did. In the end, we went our separate ways. As I entered the classroom, my nervousness returned. I didn't know anybody in that class and I was never good at gaining new friends on the first day of school. It always took me a day or two to get used to the class. Only then would I start talking to peers and socializing. Homeroom passed and first period came. I had P.E. for first period and I was getting even more nervous. What if I didn't know anyone in P.E. either. Luckily, I soon found out that there were a few people that I knew, although it wasn't a lot. As the day went by, I received more and more homework. Most of it was only to get a paper signed. At 3:25 pm, the end-of-school bell rang. I waited for my mom to come and pick me up. As soon as she did, I got in the car and took out all of the documents that needed to be signed.

"I will sign the papers later," she informed me, so I put all of my papers together and put them back into my binder. When we got home, I felt a wave of relief. I was glad to see the familiar yellow sofas, wooded chairs and floors, and my room with a white desk, a bookshelf, and my queen-sized bed. My mom signed all of my assignments, or at least, that's what I thought. The next day at school, I realized that I already forgot to complete an assignment. It was a good thing that the teachers gave the students an extra day to complete the assignment or else I would be in colossal trouble. That day, I got my assignment signed. I checked my agenda to see if there was anything else for me to get signed. I finished my homework and sighed in relief as I noticed that there was nothing else for me to do.

On the third day of school, I turned in all of my homework, feeling happy and content, knowing that I really did have done. Although not completing all of my homework wasn't good, it still taught me a good lesson. All throughout my elementary school career, I was a procrastinator, especially with long-term assignments like book reports. As a result from procrastinating, I sometimes forgot to do assignments or rushed through them. This later resulted in me having to work harder to receive A's in my classes. From a simple common task, like getting a document signed, I learned a valuable lesson that would help me later in life. Since I didn't get that paper signed, it opened my eyes to reality. I learned that in life, especially with things that would affect not only myself, but others as well, I had to be more responsible. I could no longer procrastinate and had to find a way to spend my time wisely and manage my life in an organized manner. I had to carefully plan my schedule so I was not too busy, and I could have time for other more personal activities.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this narrative. The piece demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The audience for the story is thoroughly understood. (“ From a simple common task, like getting a document signed, I learned a valuable lesson that would help me later in life. Since I didn't get that paper signed, it opened my eyes to reality. I learned that in life, especially with things that would affect not only myself, but others as well, I had to be more responsible. I could no longer procrastinate and had to find a way to spend my time wisely and manage my life in an organized manner. I had to carefully plan my schedule so I was not too busy, and I could have time for other more personal activities.”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed very effectively. (“It was around 8:30 in the morning, during September of 2005. The first day of my middle school career was finally here and I entered the school nervously. I examined my surroundings and found that there were several buildings. To be more precise, there were six. Every building had blue-green doors, pillars that looked like they were made of a sea of stones, and there were plants invading the campus. One building was different from the rest. It had two stories, four staircases, and an elevator at the center. There were also two portables that I later found out were used for physical education, or P.E., along with the upper and lower fields that resided behind the school.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels or smells) are used very effectively. (“ The fields were mostly green, with an exception of dry, yellow grass and brown mud patches here and there. I could feel the gentle breeze that slowly calmed the excitement, nervousness, and fear that had all been mixed together and bottled up inside me. The smell of semi-fresh air, cafeteria food, plants, and small traces of leftover sunscreen from the summer filled my nostrils. The quad looked to me like a hollow, upside-down Aztec or Mayan pyramid that could also be mistaken for an empty swimming pool.”)

Content & Development

This story exhibits very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The writer clearly establishes a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense throughout the story. Dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used very effectively to develop the main events of the story. (“We continued to talk about our vacations and it was not long before the first bell of the day rang. I made my way towards Homeroom with some other companions that I was reunited with that morning. They all had homeroom in the same building, but none of them had the same homeroom as I did. in the end, we went our separate ways. As I entered the classroom, my nervousness returned. I didn't know anybody in that class and I was never good at gaining new friends on the first day of school. It always took me a day or two to get used to the class. Only then would I start talking to peers and socializing. Homeroom passed and first period came. I had P.E. for first period and I was getting even more nervous. What if I didn't know anyone in P.E. either. Luckily, I soon found out that there were a few people that I knew, although it wasn't a lot.”)

Very effective sensory detail helps develop the characters by describing how they look and feel. (“I was no longer a young, elementary school kid. I was a middle school pre-teen. It was not important that I was at the bottom of the food chain. I was there, with my feet resting on the rock-hard cement and asphalt, and feeling more mature. I knew that I needed to become more responsible. …I was climbing up the social ladder, but at the same time, starting at the bottom.”)

The writer uses dialogue very effectively to express characters’ thoughts and feelings. (“As the quad came into view, I looked around and spotted some of my friends from elementary school. ‘How was your summer?’ my friend, Alyssa, asked. ‘It was good,’ I replied. ‘Really? What did you do?’ she asked curiously. ‘Well, I went swimming, to the beach, slept in, and spent a lot of time at home. It would not call it the best summer experience,’ I informed her.”)

The outcome/resolution is very effectively described. (“On the third day of school, I turned in all of my homework, feeling happy and content, knowing that I really did have done. Although not completing all of my homework wasn't good, it still taught me a good lesson. All throughout my elementary school career, I was a procrastinator, especially with long-term assignments like book reports. As a result from procrastinating, I sometimes forgot to do assignments or rushed through them. This later resulted in me having to work harder to receive A's in my classes. From a simple common task, like getting a document signed, I learned a valuable lesson that would help me later in life. Since I didn't get that paper signed, it opened my eyes to reality. I learned that in life, especially with things that would affect not only myself, but others as well, I had to be more responsible. I could no longer procrastinate and had to find a way to spend my time wisely and manage my life in an organized manner. I had to carefully plan my schedule so I was not too busy, and I could have time for other more personal activities.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is evident in this story. The writer captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the narrative. The story flows very smoothly due to excellent transitions that support sequential development. A well-written ending pulls the entire story together.

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“It was around 8:30 in the morning, during September of 2005. The first day of my middle school career was finally here and I entered the school nervously. I examined my surroundings and found that there were several buildings. To be more precise, there were six. Every building had blue-green doors, pillars that looked like they were made of a sea of stones, and there were plants invading the campus. One building was different from the rest. It had two stories, four staircases, and an elevator at the center. There were also two portables that I later found out were used for physical education, or P.E., along with the upper and lower fields that resided behind the school. The fields were mostly green, with an exception of dry, yellow grass and brown mud patches here and there. I could feel the gentle breeze that slowly calmed the excitement, nervousness, and fear that had all been mixed together and bottled up inside me. The smell of semi-fresh air, cafeteria food, plants, and small traces of leftover sunscreen from the summer filled my nostrils. The quad looked to me like a hollow, upside-down Aztec or Mayan pyramid that could also be mistaken for an empty swimming pool.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“On the third day of school, I turned in all of my homework, feeling happy and content, knowing that I really did have done. … As a result from procrastinating, I sometimes forgot to do assignments or rushed through them.”)

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“It was around 8:30 in the morning, during September of 2005. The first day of my middle school career was finally here and I entered the school nervously. I examined my surroundings and found that there were several buildings. To be more precise, there were six. Every building had blue-green doors, pillars that looked like they were made of a sea of stones, and there were plants invading the campus. One building was different from the rest. It had two stories, four staircases, and an elevator at the center. There were also two portables that I later found out were used for physical education, or P.E., along with the upper and lower fields that resided behind the school. The fields were mostly green, with an exception of dry, yellow grass and brown mud patches here and there. I could feel the gentle breeze that slowly calmed the excitement, nervousness, and fear that had all been mixed together and bottled up inside me. The smell of semi-fresh air, cafeteria food, plants, and small traces of leftover sunscreen from the summer filled my nostrils. The quad looked to me like a hollow, upside-down Aztec or Mayan pyramid that could also be mistaken for an empty swimming pool.”)

The writer creates a very effective ending that resolves the story and reveals the main character’s feelings. (“It was around 8:30 in the morning, during September of 2005. The first day of my middle school career was finally here and I entered the school nervously. I examined my surroundings and found that there were several buildings. To be more precise, there were six. Every building had blue-green doors, pillars that looked like they were made of a sea of stones, and there were plants invading the campus. One building was different from the rest. It had two stories, four staircases, and an elevator at the center. There were also two portables that I later found out were used for physical education, or P.E., along with the upper and lower fields that resided behind the school. The fields were mostly green, with an exception of dry, yellow grass and brown mud patches here and there. I could feel the gentle breeze that slowly calmed the excitement, nervousness, and fear that had all been mixed together and bottled up inside me. The smell of semi-fresh air, cafeteria food, plants, and small traces of leftover sunscreen from the summer filled my nostrils. The quad looked to me like a hollow, upside-down Aztec or Mayan pyramid that could also be mistaken for an empty swimming pool.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are present in this story. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are used as well.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph through the following language and tone that demonstrate descriptive language and variety in sentence length: “ I could feel the gentle breeze that slowly calmed the excitement, nervousness, and fear that had all been mixed together and bottled up inside me. The smell of semi-fresh air, cafeteria food, plants, and small traces of leftover sunscreen from the summer filled my nostrils. The quad looked to me like a hollow, upside-down Aztec or Mayan pyramid that could also be mistaken for an empty swimming pool. …I was no longer a young, elementary school kid. I was a middle school pre-teen. It was not important that I was at the bottom of the food chain. I was there, with my feet resting on the rock-hard cement and asphalt, and feeling more mature. I knew that I needed to become more responsible. Multiple noises could be heard from every direction.”

Coherent style and tone help readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ I was no longer a young, elementary school kid. I was a middle school pre-teen. It was not important that I was at the bottom of the food chain. I was there, with my feet resting on the rock-hard cement and asphalt, and feeling more mature. I knew that I needed to become more responsible. Multiple noises could be heard from every direction. There was the sound of teachers discussing plans and students in deep conversations about their summer vacations or their schedules. Supervisors kept the school in order while students played basketball behind the school, laughed at each other's jokes, and opened and closed various doors. My mom came to locate my classrooms and I soon heard her telling me she had to leave. I was climbing up the social ladder, but at the same time, starting at the bottom. …On the third day of school, I turned in all of my homework, feeling happy and content, knowing that I really did have done. Although not completing all of my homework wasn't good, it still taught me a good lesson. All throughout my elementary school career, I was a procrastinator, especially with long-term assignments like book reports. As a result from procrastinating, I sometimes forgot to do assignments or rushed through them. This later resulted in me having to work harder to receive A's in my classes. From a simple common task, like getting a document signed, I learned a valuable lesson that would help me later in life. Since I didn't get that paper signed, it opened my eyes to reality. I learned that in life, especially with things that would affect not only myself, but others as well, I had to be more responsible. I could no longer procrastinate and had to find a way to spend my time wisely and manage my life in an organized manner. I had to carefully plan my schedule so I was not too busy, and I could have time for other more personal activities.”)

The compound-complex sentence “ Every building had blue-green doors, pillars that looked like they were made of a sea of stones, and there were plants invading the campus” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I was no longer a young, elementary school kid. I was a middle school pre-teen. It was not important that I was at the bottom of the food chain. I was there, with my feet resting on the rock-hard cement and asphalt, and feeling more mature.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

On October 26, 2006 my neighbor, Zack, was having his birthday party after school. He is 3 years younger than me, and so are his friends.

The party was at his house from 2:00 to 6:30p.m. I was in middle school, unlike the other kids so I was going to be a few minutes late.

I ran across the street, thinking that this would just be another birthday party with 8 nine-year-olds running around playing games that they thought were fun. Although these kids were younger than me, I was happy with going as long as we played fun games that we all liked. I got to Zack's house and I was the last one there at around 3:40 p.m. There were many kids there playing many different video games.

I gave Zack my present and sat down to wait my for my turn to play. I watched all of the kids eating sugary candies and drinking delicious sodas. When it was my turn to play I could play I felt that the controller was greasy from many hands that are dirty and sticky, touching the buttons.

After we played video games for a while I got an idea."Hey Zack!" I yelled over all of the noises of the party.

"Yeah?" Zack responded half side-tracked from the game he was playing.

"Let's go outside and play some games out there!"

"O.k." Zack answered with excitement in his eyes.

We took a vote and decided to go outside and play dodgeball for our first game. When we got out in front of his house we chose Zack and one of his friends for team captains.

"Zack you pick first because it's your birthday!" I exclaimed knowing that he would pick me first.

"I pick Adam!" Zack quickly picked me as if the other captain could put m on his team.

I walked over to Zack's side exited to play our first game of dodgeball. I gazed around at the landscaping scenery that the gardeners had planted.

"Hey Adam!Adam!"Zack yelled trying to get my attention.

"What?"

"We're going to start now!"

"Oh." I got ready in my position and we started the game. Everyone ran to the center of the court to try and get all of the balls in the middle of the court and we started. After that all that could be heard wa bouncing rubber balls, balls hitting kids, and balls getting dodged and deflected. There was also the loud yelling of kids yelling to each other.

After we had been playing for a while Zack's dad came outside.

"Adam." Zack's dad tried to get my attention.

"Yes?" I responded.

"Make sure you that you watch out for all of the kids safety so that none of them get hurt. We are busy inside. Since you are the oldest please watch out for them?"

"I will, don't worry." All of a sudden I felt different. Now it wasn't just dodging the balls flying at me I had to make sure none of the other kids got hurt. After this it seemed like there were a lot more cars coming. I was constantly warning all of the kids, "watch out for that BMW", or "let that sedan go through".

Zack came over and asked me,"why are you being so protective?"

"I have to make sure none of the kids get hurt. Your dad is counting on me. You have to realize it is not always all fun and games all of the time." At that very moment I realized that it is not all fun and games. I have to be responsible when depended on.

The pizza arrived and we went inside and ate cheesy pizza and delicious cake and candies. We digested our food and played video games inside for a while. The controllers were greasy from the pizza grease on all of our hands. Once we were ready to go back outside we played capture the flag. I found that I was still being protective over everyone's safety. When the party was over I walked over and thanked Zack's parents for having me over.

"Bye Zack."

"Bye Adam."

I walked home and kept that lesson with me forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates good focus and meaning. It conveys a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

The story clearly states the main event. (“All of a sudden I felt different. Now it wasn't just dodging the balls flying at me I had to make sure none of the other kids got hurt. … At that very moment I realized that it is not all fun and games. I have to be responsible when depended on.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“Zack came over and asked me, ‘why are you being so protective?’ ‘I have to make sure none of the kids get hurt. Your dad is counting on me. You have to realize it is not always all fun and games all of the time.’”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are used effectively. (“ I watched all of the kids eating sugary candies and drinking delicious sodas. When it was my turn to play I could play I felt that the controller was greasy from many hands that are dirty and sticky, touching the buttons.”)

Content & Development

This story exhibits good content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes tension that heightens the readers’ suspense throughout the story. Dialogue is used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The essay contains effective sensory details that describe how the setting looks and feels. (“I walked over to Zack's side exited to play our first game of dodgeball. I gazed around at the landscaping scenery that the gardeners had planted.”)

Dialogue effectively illustrates the conflict in the story. (“‘Adam.’ Zack's dad tried to get my attention.

‘Yes?’ I responded. ‘Make sure you that you watch out for all of the kids safety so that none of them get hurt. We are busy inside. Since you are the oldest please watch out for them?’ ‘I will, don't worry.’ All of a sudden I felt different. Now it wasn't just dodging the balls flying at me I had to make sure none of the other kids got hurt. After this it seemed like there were a lot more cars coming. I was constantly warning all of the kids, ‘watch out for that BMW’, or ‘let that sedan go through’.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“ I got ready in my position and we started the game. Everyone ran to the center of the court to try and get all of the balls in the middle of the court and we started. After that all that could be heard wa bouncing rubber balls, balls hitting kids, and balls getting dodged and deflected. There was also the loud yelling of kids yelling to each other.”)

Organization

This story is designed with good organization. The opening of the story prompts readers to continue reading, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness. The narrative flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development.

The beginning provides effective background information about the event. (“ On October 26, 2006 my neighbor, Zack, was having his birthday party after school. He is 3 years younger than me, and so are his friends. …The party was at his house from 2:00 to 6:30p.m. I was in middle school, unlike the other kids so I was going to be a few minutes late. …I ran across the street, thinking that this would just be another birthday party with 8 nine-year-olds running around playing games that they thought were fun.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ After we played video games for a while I got an idea.”)

The writer creates a very effective ending that resolves the story and reveals the main character’s feelings. (“ I walked home and kept that lesson with me forever.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is apparent in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are used as well .

The language and tone are consistent in the use of descriptive language. (“ Everyone ran to the center of the court to try and get all of the balls in the middle of the court and we started. After that all that could be heard wa bouncing rubber balls, balls hitting kids, and balls getting dodged and deflected. There was also the loud yelling of kids yelling to each other.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ ‘I will, don't worry.’ All of a sudden I felt different. Now it wasn't just dodging the balls flying at me I had to make sure none of the other kids got hurt. After this it seemed like there were a lot more cars coming. I was constantly warning all of the kids, ‘watch out for that BMW’, or ‘let that sedan go through’. … ‘I have to make sure none of the kids get hurt. Your dad is counting on me. You have to realize it is not always all fun and games all of the time.’ At that very moment I realized that it is not all fun and games. I have to be responsible when depended on.”)

The complex sentence “ Although these kids were younger than me, I was happy with going as long as we played fun games that we all liked” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within this story. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ I gave Zack my present and sat down to wait my for my turn to play. I watched all of the kids eating sugary candies and drinking delicious sodas. When it was my turn to play I could play I felt that the controller was greasy from many hands that are dirty and sticky, touching the buttons.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Meeting many different people this summer made me realize that not all people that have gone to jail or prison are bad. I always used to think that the people who have been locked up, deserved to stay in there, but as I get older I understand that people make mistakes and shouldn't be sent to jail for such a long period of time, if what they did was something so minor.This doesn't include rapist, molesters, murderers, or drug dealers or any type of violent crime.

As a child I wanted to become a veterinarian or a lawyer. But as I entered high school my dreams started to change. During my freshman year I had to complete a writing assignment about what I wanted to become. I did it on what it takes to become a veterinarian. After completing this assignment I noticed that if I wanted to be a veterinarian I wouldn't be able to have children because the majority of my time would be spent with the animals and I didn't want that. I also knew that my time was running low on deciding what I wanted to be, so that meant I had to put more effort into choosing a career.

So during this summer when I least expected it I met a couple of people who were on parole. I care a lot about these people and I see that they go to work everyday and still try there hardest to come up in life. I didn't want anything to ever happen to them, but unfortunately it did. A few weeks ago one of these boys got taken in, while being on parole, for a DUI. I know that what he did was wrong but everyone slips at a point.

The reason why I want to become a parole officer is because I understand why certain things happen. I understand that everyone has there idiosyncrasy's. Maybe my positive influence could make a difference in there life, because I know that it makes a huge difference when you have someone encouraging you to do better. Too often people enter this field because of the salary but my intention would be to help these people be successful and stay positive in there lives. We're all accountable for each other in one form or another.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The story states the main event adequately. (“ As a child I wanted to become a veterinarian or a lawyer. But as I entered high school my dreams started to change. …The reason why I want to become a parole officer is because I understand why certain things happen. I understand that everyone has there idiosyncrasy's. Maybe my positive influence could make a difference in there life, because I know that it makes a huge difference when you have someone encouraging you to do better.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“So during this summer when I least expected it I met a couple of people who were on parole. I care a lot about these people and I see that they go to work everyday and still try there hardest to come up in life. I didn't want anything to ever happen to them, but unfortunately it did. A few weeks ago one of these boys got taken in, while being on parole, for a DUI. I know that what he did was wrong but everyone slips at a point.”)

Details about characters are adequate. (“ As a child I wanted to become a veterinarian or a lawyer. But as I entered high school my dreams started to change. During my freshman year I had to complete a writing assignment about what I wanted to become. I did it on what it takes to become a veterinarian. After completing this assignment I noticed that if I wanted to be a veterinarian I wouldn't be able to have children because the majority of my time would be spent with the animals and I didn't want that.”)

Content & Development

This story displays adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes conflict that heightens the readers’ suspense throughout the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“As a child I wanted to become a veterinarian or a lawyer. But as I entered high school my dreams started to change. During my freshman year I had to complete a writing assignment about what I wanted to become. I did it on what it takes to become a veterinarian. After completing this assignment I noticed that if I wanted to be a veterinarian I wouldn't be able to have children because the majority of my time would be spent with the animals and I didn't want that. I also knew that my time was running low on deciding what I wanted to be, so that meant I had to put more effort into choosing a career.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“So during this summer when I least expected it I met a couple of people who were on parole. I care a lot about these people and I see that they go to work everyday and still try there hardest to come up in life. I didn't want anything to ever happen to them, but unfortunately it did. A few weeks ago one of these boys got taken in, while being on parole, for a DUI. I know that what he did was wrong but everyone slips at a point.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“ The reason why I want to become a parole officer is because I understand why certain things happen. I understand that everyone has there idiosyncrasy's. Maybe my positive influence could make a difference in there life, because I know that it makes a huge difference when you have someone encouraging you to do better.”)

Organization

This story is adequately organized. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps readers engaged. The story also generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ After completing this assignment I noticed that if I wanted to be a veterinarian I wouldn't be able to have children because the majority of my time would be spent with the animals and I didn't want that. I also knew that my time was running low on deciding what I wanted to be, so that meant I had to put more effort into choosing a career.”)

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ Meeting many different people this summer made me realize that not all people that have gone to jail or prison are bad. I always used to think that the people who have been locked up, deserved to stay in there, but as I get older I understand that people make mistakes and shouldn't be sent to jail for such a long period of time, if what they did was something so minor.This doesn't include rapist, molesters, murderers, or drug dealers or any type of violent crime.”)

The ending resolves the story and expresses the main character’s feelings. (“ Maybe my positive influence could make a difference in there life, because I know that it makes a huge difference when you have someone encouraging you to do better.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is present in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ I understand that everyone has there idiosyncrasy's. Maybe my positive influence could make a difference in there life, because I know that it makes a huge difference when you have someone encouraging you to do better. Too often people enter this field because of the salary but my intention would be to help these people be successful and stay positive in there lives. We're all accountable for each other in one form or another.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the words “bad” and “did” are rather generic, and more specific words would be more effective. (“ Meeting many different people this summer made me realize that not all people that have gone to jail or prison are bad. …I did it on what it takes to become a veterinarian.”)

There are few exact, specific words related to the research and prompt task. (“ So during this summer when I least expected it I met a couple of people who were on parole. I care a lot about these people and I see that they go to work everyday and still try there hardest to come up in life. I didn't want anything to ever happen to them, but unfortunately it did. A few weeks ago one of these boys got taken in, while being on parole, for a DUI. I know that what he did was wrong but everyone slips at a point.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is present in this story. Although there are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark . (“ This doesn't include rapist, molesters, murderers, or drug dealers or any type of violent crime.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

The day I moved to Pico Rivera was a very big turning point for me. Before I moved here I was different in both appierence and pesonality, but mostly appierence. I was very different and gained many new friends. I also started listening to new music and tried doing new things. Now I have learned many lessons.

Before I moved to Pico Rivera I was in the fourth grade. I decide to move here because I wanted to live in a house and I didn't like the neighborhood in the city I was living in. When I moved over here I was going to fith grade and I went to elementary school. I was so sad because I had no friends and I was new. I eventually got used to it and made new friends. Although I missed my old friends very much, I was happy in Pico Rivera .

As I said, my personality changed as I met my friends. I was shy and very timid. I hardly talked to anyone. When I met my friends that changed, not completely, but mostly. I began to talk more and I started doing different things. I started listening to different music such as rock. I liked things that i didn't like before. I was beginning to open up a little more.

Another thing that was different about me was my appierence. Since I was into rock, I started

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story provides limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience and task and presents description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

The story states the main event. (“The day I moved to Pico Rivera was a very big turning point for me. Before I moved here I was different in both appierence and pesonality, but mostly appierence. I was very different and gained many new friends. I also started listening to new music and tried doing new things. Now I have learned many lessons.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Another thing that was different about me was my appierence. Since I was into rock, I started”)

Details about characters are limited. (“ As I said, my personality changed as I met my friends. I was shy and very timid. I hardly talked to anyone. When I met my friends that changed, not completely, but mostly.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this story are limited. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but the story sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of the main event. A conflict or problem is stated, but not developed.

The writer refers briefly to background information about what happened before the event, but does not develop it further. (“ Before I moved to Pico Rivera I was in the fourth grade. I decide to move here because I wanted to live in a house and I didn't like the neighborhood in the city I was living in.”)

Limited details are used to develop the character. (“Another thing that was different about me was my appierence. Since I was into rock, I started”)

The plot is limited. (“As I said, my personality changed as I met my friends. I was shy and very timid. I hardly talked to anyone. When I met my friends that changed, not completely, but mostly. I began to talk more and I started doing different things. I started listening to different music such as rock. I liked things that i didn't like before. I was beginning to open up a little more.”)

Organization

This story is developed with limited organization. The writer provides an adequate opening, but does not attempt to hold the readers’ attention. Transitions are weak. The flow of the story is broken by gaps in time and sequence, though the story does attempt to provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ The day I moved to Pico Rivera was a very big turning point for me. Before I moved here I was different in both appierence and pesonality, but mostly appierence. I was very different and gained many new friends. I also started listening to new music and tried doing new things. Now I have learned many lessons.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Before I moved to Pico Rivera I was in the fourth grade. …As I said, my personality changed as I met my friends.”)

The story lacks an appropriate ending. (“ Another thing that was different about me was my appierence. Since I was into rock, I started”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are present in this story. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ I was shy and very timid. I hardly talked to anyone.”)

There is repetition—the word “appierence” is used twice in the same sentence. (“ Before I moved here I was different in both appierence and pesonality, but mostly appierence.”)

The style is not formal. (“ When I met my friends that changed, not completely, but mostly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“The day I moved to Pico Rivera was a very big turning point for me. Before I moved here I was different in both appierence and pesonality, but mostly appierence.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

I can make a different by telling people to use CFL light bulbs. If everybody uses the CFL light bulbs then we have alot of electristy to use during the while year.I can also make a different by helping poor people get a house get a job and also get enough money to also buy food. It would make a difference by all poor wouldn't be hanging around the street or in a park.The reason why this will make a different because then we have that much poor people on this lsland.I can aslo make a different by keepin our water clean and pick up all the trash thats on the sandy beach.This would make a different by keeping our water clean so people don't get sick.The picking up trash would make a different by when everybody steps on the sand they won't get hurt.

Another good way to make a different is that I can help the orphins get a family.This is a another good way because then less people would have to live in the orphanage.Then all the the foster kids can have a lot of fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are present in this story. The narrative demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“ I can make a different by telling people to use CFL light bulbs.”)

The audience for the story is often unclear. (“I can make a different by telling people to use CFL light bulbs. If everybody uses the CFL light bulbs then we have alot of electristy to use during the while year.I can also make a different by helping poor people get a house get a job and also get enough money to also buy food.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are limited. (“Another good way to make a different is that I can help the orphins get a family.This is a another good way because then less people would have to live in the orphanage.Then all the the foster kids can have a lot of fun.”)

Content & Development

This story contains minimal content and development. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are merely described rather than developed. The narrative includes details and information that detract from the story. The story lacks the tension and conflict needed to keep readers interested. No dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“Another good way to make a different is that I can help the orphins get a family.This is a another good way because then less people would have to live in the orphanage.Then all the the foster kids can have a lot of fun.”)

The essay contains no character development. (“ I can make a different by telling people to use CFL light bulbs. If everybody uses the CFL light bulbs then we have alot of electristy to use during the while year.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“Another good way to make a different is that I can help the orphins get a family.This is a another good way because then less people would have to live in the orphanage.Then all the the foster kids can have a lot of fun.”)

Organization

This story is minimally organized. The writer provides an opening that simply repeats the title of the prompt. The flow of the story is difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the narrative demonstrates little evidence of an ending.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ I can make a different by telling people to use CFL light bulbs. If everybody uses the CFL light bulbs then we have alot of electristy to use during the while year.I can also make a different by helping poor people get a house get a job and also get enough money to also buy food.”)

Transitions are minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ I can aslo make a different by keepin our water clean and pick up all the trash thats on the sandy beach. …Another good way to make a different is that I can help the orphins get a family.”)

The story provides a minimal conclusion. (“ Another good way to make a different is that I can help the orphins get a family.This is a another good way because then less people would have to live in the orphanage.Then all the the foster kids can have a lot of fun.”)

Language Use & Style

This story conveys minimal use of language and style. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are present as well.

The story uses the same group of words to begin two sentences in the first paragraph: “ I can make a different by telling people to use CFL light bulbs. …I can also make a different by helping poor people get a house get a job and also get enough money to also buy food.”)

Exact words are missing, as in the following example: “ It would make a difference by all poor wouldn't be hanging around the street or in a park.”

The language is repetitive—the word “different” is repeated throughout the brief piece of writing. (“ I can make a different by telling people to use CFL light bulbs. If everybody uses the CFL light bulbs then we have alot of electristy to use during the while year.I can also make a different by helping poor people get a house get a job and also get enough money to also buy food. It would make a difference by all poor wouldn't be hanging around the street or in a park.The reason why this will make a different because then we have that much poor people on this lsland.I can aslo make a different by keepin our water clean and pick up all the trash thats on the sandy beach.This would make a different by keeping our water clean so people don't get sick.The picking up trash would make a different by when everybody steps on the sand they won't get hurt.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this piece of writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I can make a different by telling people to use CFL light bulbs. If everybody uses the CFL light bulbs then we have alot of electristy to use during the while year.I can also make a different by helping poor people get a house get a job and also get enough money to also buy food.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The narrative conveys almost no understanding of the purpose, audience and task. Very little detail is provided, some of which is not relevant to the story.

The story does not state the main event. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

Content & Development

Content and development in this story are inadequate. The narrative l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed, and the absence of tension and conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not well developed. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

The story contains no detailed character development. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

The writer does not use any dialogue to express what the characters think or say. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

Organization

This story is inadequately organized; it lacks a clearly identifiable beginning, middle, and end and contains serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The opening does not creatively grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

No background information about the event is provided in the beginning of the essay. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

The ending does not leave the readers with something to think about, such as how to find out more about the subject. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are presented in this brief narrative. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ so me and my dad could ride. …it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

The style is not formal. For example, in the following excerpt, the author includes the slang word “like”: “ the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within this brief piece of writing. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“the first time i got on a dirt bike i was exited .but first i had to go and get one so i wwent to the dealer and ppulled outb like 2 bikes .so me and my dad could ride. so cuple weeks later past and my dad wuz showing me haw to ride. it wuz hard butt i lerned evantwaly.”)

On the Roller Coaster

Click here to view the image.

Click here to view the printable version of the image and assignment.

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict, and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

The wind swept past Felix's face as his screams mixed with those around him. The rollercoaster he was on turned rapidly in a series of loops and twists. Felix was filled with feelings of terror and excitement as the rollercoaster zoomed faster and faster and faster. Then suddenly, it jerked to a stop and Felix was flung out of his seat and into the sky, falling to his doom. His mouth opened in a silent scream as Felix fell closer to the ground. But before he hit the floor, Felix woke up from the nightmare, safe on his bed and breathing hard. He had fallen asleep in anticipation of tomorrow's trip to Six Flags, and even in his sleep he was still thinking about it. Now, he was scared out of his wits and started to dread the upcoming trip. What might happen to me there? he thought sullenly, No, I don't even want to think about that. I can't go to Six Flags tomorrow! I just can't! Felix then made up his mind to convince his parents not to go to rollercoaster theme park.

It was a Saturday morning, and the day of the trip. Felix first tried saying that Six Flags was a dangerous place where anything could happen, but his father was busy reading the newspaper, and his mother was occupied with making breakfast. Both of them completely ignored him. He sighed and thought that they would be more willing to listen after breakfast. They ate bacon and eggs, a small breakfast because none of them wanted to get sick at Six Flags. After that, Felix tried yet again to convince his parents.

"But haven't you been waiting forever for this? You asked us, and you shouldn't go back on your word," his father said after Felix talked to him. His mother agreed and they started to get into the car. Desperate, Felix pleaded and whined, but it was already too late, and he was in the car with his parents. Six Flags was just a half-hour drive away, and he sat in the back with his nails digging into the seat and his eyes wide open. Felix kept on imagining an evil rollercoaster throwing him into the sky and him dying as he hit the ground with a loud thud. He stumbled out when they finally reached the theme park, and they quickly bought tickets and entered. Felix felt like he was about to vomit while he and his parents started to get into a rollercoaster. He sat next to his mother, shaking, and as the rollercoaster started, he relaxed a little and thought, this isn't so bad after all. I mean, nothing bad has happened to me yet! The thought was soon swept out of his mind as the rollercoaster zoomed and twisted. It was almost just like his dream. The wind brushed against Felix's face, and the rollercoaster twisted and turned upside down as everyone screamed. He thought that the rollercoaster would suddenly stop again and throw him off, but fortunately, it didn't. As it coasted to a stop, Felix was grinning madly and forgot all about the dream.

Felix led his parents around all day on different and exciting rollercoasters, and none of them flung anyone off their seat. By the end of the day, his parents were exhausted and close to collapsing while he dragged them out of the theme park, still bursting with energy. Felix overcame his short fear of rollercoasters, and he couldn't wait to come to Six Flags again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided in this story about a day at an amusement park. The narrative demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task with description and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain) is clear. (“ The wind swept past Felix's face as his screams mixed with those around him. The rollercoaster he was on turned rapidly in a series of loops and twists. Felix was filled with feelings of terror and excitement as the rollercoaster zoomed faster and faster and faster. Then suddenly, it jerked to a stop and Felix was flung out of his seat and into the sky, falling to his doom. His mouth opened in a silent scream as Felix fell closer to the ground. But before he hit the floor, Felix woke up from the nightmare, safe on his bed and breathing hard. He had fallen asleep in anticipation of tomorrow's trip to Six Flags, and even in his sleep he was still thinking about it. Now, he was scared out of his wits and started to dread the upcoming trip. What might happen to me there? he thought sullenly, No, I don't even want to think about that. I can't go to Six Flags tomorrow! I just can't! Felix then made up his mind to convince his parents not to go to rollercoaster theme park.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. (“ It was a Saturday morning, and the day of the trip. Felix first tried saying that Six Flags was a dangerous place where anything could happen, but his father was busy reading the newspaper, and his mother was occupied with making breakfast. Both of them completely ignored him. He sighed and thought that they would be more willing to listen after breakfast. They ate bacon and eggs, a small breakfast because none of them wanted to get sick at Six Flags. After that, Felix tried yet again to convince his parents.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“The wind swept past Felix's face as his screams mixed with those around him. The rollercoaster he was on turned rapidly in a series of loops and twists. Felix was filled with feelings of terror and excitement as the rollercoaster zoomed faster and faster and faster. Then suddenly, it jerked to a stop and Felix was flung out of his seat and into the sky, falling to his doom. His mouth opened in a silent scream as Felix fell closer to the ground. But before he hit the floor, Felix woke up from the nightmare, safe on his bed and breathing hard. He had fallen asleep in anticipation of tomorrow's trip to Six Flags, and even in his sleep he was still thinking about it. Now, he was scared out of his wits and started to dread the upcoming trip.”)

Content & Development

The story includes very effective content and development. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting, creates complex characters, and clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“‘But haven't you been waiting forever for this? You asked us, and you shouldn't go back on your word,’ his father said after Felix talked to him. His mother agreed and they started to get into the car. Desperate, Felix pleaded and whined, but it was already too late, and he was in the car with his parents.”)

Details very effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. (“The wind swept past Felix's face as his screams mixed with those around him. The rollercoaster he was on turned rapidly in a series of loops and twists. Felix was filled with feelings of terror and excitement as the rollercoaster zoomed faster and faster and faster. Then suddenly, it jerked to a stop and Felix was flung out of his seat and into the sky, falling to his doom. His mouth opened in a silent scream as Felix fell closer to the ground. But before he hit the floor, Felix woke up from the nightmare, safe on his bed and breathing hard. He had fallen asleep in anticipation of tomorrow's trip to Six Flags, and even in his sleep he was still thinking about it. Now, he was scared out of his wits and started to dread the upcoming trip. What might happen to me there? he thought sullenly, No, I don't even want to think about that. I can't go to Six Flags tomorrow! I just can't! Felix then made up his mind to convince his parents not to go to rollercoaster theme park.”)

The outcome or resolution is very effectively described. (“Felix led his parents around all day on different and exciting rollercoasters, and none of them flung anyone off their seat. By the end of the day, his parents were exhausted and close to collapsing while he dragged them out of the theme park, still bursting with energy. Felix overcame his short fear of rollercoasters, and he couldn't wait to come to Six Flags again.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is conveyed in this story. The readers’ attention is captured with a clever opening. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, a flashback or foreshadowing, or an exclamation or phrase from a character. (“The wind swept past Felix's face as his screams mixed with those around him. The rollercoaster he was on turned rapidly in a series of loops and twists. Felix was filled with feelings of terror and excitement as the rollercoaster zoomed faster and faster and faster. Then suddenly, it jerked to a stop and Felix was flung out of his seat and into the sky, falling to his doom. His mouth opened in a silent scream as Felix fell closer to the ground. But before he hit the floor, Felix woke up from the nightmare, safe on his bed and breathing hard. He had fallen asleep in anticipation of tomorrow's trip to Six Flags, and even in his sleep he was still thinking about it. Now, he was scared out of his wits and started to dread the upcoming trip. What might happen to me there? he thought sullenly, No, I don't even want to think about that. I can't go to Six Flags tomorrow! I just can't! Felix then made up his mind to convince his parents not to go to rollercoaster theme park.”)

Transitions are very effectively used to make the beginning creative and exciting. (“Then suddenly, it jerked to a stop and Felix was flung out of his seat and into the sky, falling to his doom. His mouth opened in a silent scream as Felix fell closer to the ground. But before he hit the floor, Felix woke up from the nightmare, safe on his bed and breathing hard. He had fallen asleep in anticipation of tomorrow's trip to Six Flags, and even in his sleep he was still thinking about it. Now, he was scared out of his wits and started to dread the upcoming trip.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“Felix led his parents around all day on different and exciting rollercoasters, and none of them flung anyone off their seat. By the end of the day, his parents were exhausted and close to collapsing while he dragged them out of the theme park, still bursting with energy. Felix overcame his short fear of rollercoasters, and he couldn't wait to come to Six Flags again.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is seen in the story. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph through the following language and tone: (“ The wind swept past Felix's face as his screams mixed with those around him. The rollercoaster he was on turned rapidly in a series of loops and twists. Felix was filled with feelings of terror and excitement as the rollercoaster zoomed faster and faster and faster. Then suddenly, it jerked to a stop and Felix was flung out of his seat and into the sky, falling to his doom. His mouth opened in a silent scream as Felix fell closer to the ground. But before he hit the floor, Felix woke up from the nightmare, safe on his bed and breathing hard. He had fallen asleep in anticipation of tomorrow's trip to Six Flags, and even in his sleep he was still thinking about it. Now, he was scared out of his wits and started to dread the upcoming trip. What might happen to me there? he thought sullenly, No, I don't even want to think about that. I can't go to Six Flags tomorrow! I just can't! Felix then made up his mind to convince his parents not to go to rollercoaster theme park. …It was a Saturday morning, and the day of the trip. Felix first tried saying that Six Flags was a dangerous place where anything could happen, but his father was busy reading the newspaper, and his mother was occupied with making breakfast. Both of them completely ignored him. He sighed and thought that they would be more willing to listen after breakfast. They ate bacon and eggs, a small breakfast because none of them wanted to get sick at Six Flags. After that, Felix tried yet again to convince his parents.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ It was a Saturday morning, and the day of the trip. Felix first tried saying that Six Flags was a dangerous place where anything could happen, but his father was busy reading the newspaper, and his mother was occupied with making breakfast. Both of them completely ignored him. He sighed and thought that they would be more willing to listen after breakfast. They ate bacon and eggs, a small breakfast because none of them wanted to get sick at Six Flags. After that, Felix tried yet again to convince his parents. … ‘But haven't you been waiting forever for this? You asked us, and you shouldn't go back on your word,’ his father said after Felix talked to him. His mother agreed and they started to get into the car. Desperate, Felix pleaded and whined, but it was already too late, and he was in the car with his parents. Six Flags was just a half-hour drive away, and he sat in the back with his nails digging into the seat and his eyes wide open. Felix kept on imagining an evil rollercoaster throwing him into the sky and him dying as he hit the ground with a loud thud. He stumbled out when they finally reached the theme park, and they quickly bought tickets and entered. Felix felt like he was about to vomit while he and his parents started to get into a rollercoaster. He sat next to his mother, shaking, and as the rollercoaster started, he relaxed a little and thought, this isn't so bad after all. I mean, nothing bad has happened to me yet! The thought was soon swept out of his mind as the rollercoaster zoomed and twisted. It was almost just like his dream. The wind brushed against Felix's face, and the rollercoaster twisted and turned upside down as everyone screamed. He thought that the rollercoaster would suddenly stop again and throw him off, but fortunately, it didn't. As it coasted to a stop, Felix was grinning madly and forgot all about the dream.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ Felix overcame his short fear of rollercoasters, and he couldn't wait to come to Six Flags again.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ It was a Saturday morning, and the day of the trip. Felix first tried saying that Six Flags was a dangerous place where anything could happen, but his father was busy reading the newspaper, and his mother was occupied with making breakfast. Both of them completely ignored him. He sighed and thought that they would be more willing to listen after breakfast. They ate bacon and eggs, a small breakfast because none of them wanted to get sick at Six Flags. After that, Felix tried yet again to convince his parents.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

FLASH! There goes my life before my eyes. Just imagine riding on a roller coaster; hands trembling with fear, your heart pounding like thunder, your mind racing at the speed of light. Do you get the feeling, yet? Well, welcome to my reality.

Just yesterday I went on the biggest adventure of my life. A couple of close friends and I decided to go to the local amusement park to spend part of our spring break. I wasn't excited about it, for I had never been on a roller coaster before. However, my friends simply insisted. "It just wouldn't be the same without you, Sammy," they'd say. That's what they called me, Sammy, short for Samantha. So of course I gave in, I mean, who couldn't?

That morning, just as we were getting in the van, I heard someone scream, "Get ready to puke, everyone! We're going on the big roller coaster today!" At that moment, I felt like I could almost die. The whole 40-minute drive there, everyone else was getting pumped up and ready for what was going to be the biggest thrill of my life. I just wasn't exactly ready for it yet.

We arrived at the amusement park just a few minutes later and got out of the salsa colored mini van. Then I saw it. A huge trail of dark green roller coaster tracks floating in the middle of the bright blue sky, plunging down into what I figured was a dark cave or tunnel. I could feel a sudden churning in my stomach occurr. "You ready, Sammy?", my best-friend Amanda exclaimed. She was a pretty girl, one that looked so innocent, you couldn't say no to her. So, I lied. "Of course I am". I guess that wasn't reassuring enough for her, because after that she dragged me with all her might over to the ticket stand, and then dragged me back to where the entrance of the roller coaster stood.

I looked up at the giant blue board hanging over the scary looking tracks. "The Crusher" it read. My stomach churned again, this time even faster. "I can't do this", I said. "Of course you can", she replied with such enthusiasm. Then she ran over to the ride and hopped in a seat. "Come on Sammy!", she exclaimed. I just couldn't resist. Although I was scared to death, a part of me felt like I should go for it. Apparently, that part of me was in charge that day.

As I eased myself into the seat beside Amanda and pulled on my seat belt, I took a deep breath to try and calm me down. "Everyone ready?", the attendant asked. I wasn't, but the ride started anyway.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are conveyed in this story about a day at an amusement park. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides relevant description and details.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain) is clear. (“FLASH! There goes my life before my eyes. Just imagine riding on a roller coaster; hands trembling with fear, your heart pounding like thunder, your mind racing at the speed of light. Do you get the feeling, yet? Well, welcome to my reality.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“We arrived at the amusement park just a few minutes later and got out of the salsa colored mini van. Then I saw it. A huge trail of dark green roller coaster tracks floating in the middle of the bright blue sky, plunging down into what I figured was a dark cave or tunnel. I could feel a sudden churning in my stomach occurr. ‘You ready, Sammy?’, my best-friend Amanda exclaimed. She was a pretty girl, one that looked so innocent, you couldn't say no to her. So, I lied. ‘Of course I am’. I guess that wasn't reassuring enough for her, because after that she dragged me with all her might over to the ticket stand, and then dragged me back to where the entrance of the roller coaster stood.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“FLASH! There goes my life before my eyes. Just imagine riding on a roller coaster; hands trembling with fear, your heart pounding like thunder, your mind racing at the speed of light. Do you get the feeling, yet? Well, welcome to my reality.”)

Content & Development

The story consists of good content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The narrative establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen. Furthermore, dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“ We arrived at the amusement park just a few minutes later and got out of the salsa colored mini van. Then I saw it. A huge trail of dark green roller coaster tracks floating in the middle of the bright blue sky, plunging down into what I figured was a dark cave or tunnel.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed effectively. (“I looked up at the giant blue board hanging over the scary looking tracks. ‘The Crusher’ it read. My stomach churned again, this time even faster. ‘I can't do this’, I said. ‘Of course you can’, she replied with such enthusiasm. Then she ran over to the ride and hopped in a seat. ‘Come on Sammy!’, she exclaimed. I just couldn't resist. Although I was scared to death, a part of me felt like I should go for it. Apparently, that part of me was in charge that day.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“We arrived at the amusement park just a few minutes later and got out of the salsa colored mini van. Then I saw it. A huge trail of dark green roller coaster tracks floating in the middle of the bright blue sky, plunging down into what I figured was a dark cave or tunnel. I could feel a sudden churning in my stomach occurr. ‘You ready, Sammy?’, my best-friend Amanda exclaimed. She was a pretty girl, one that looked so innocent, you couldn't say no to her. So, I lied. ‘Of course I am’. I guess that wasn't reassuring enough for her, because after that she dragged me with all her might over to the ticket stand, and then dragged me back to where the entrance of the roller coaster stood.”)

Organization

Good organization is evident to readers of the story. The opening of the narrative excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, an exclamation, and an engaging statement. (“ FLASH! There goes my life before my eyes. Just imagine riding on a roller coaster; hands trembling with fear, your heart pounding like thunder, your mind racing at the speed of light. Do you get the feeling, yet? Well, welcome to my reality.”)

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ FLASH! There goes my life before my eyes. Just imagine riding on a roller coaster; hands trembling with fear, your heart pounding like thunder, your mind racing at the speed of light. Do you get the feeling, yet? Well, welcome to my reality.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ That morning, just as we were getting in the van, I heard someone scream, ‘Get ready to puke, everyone! We're going on the big roller coaster today!’ At that moment, I felt like I could almost die.”)

Language Use & Style

Good language use and style are prevalent throughout the story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. W ell-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent in descriptiveness and strong voice. (“ We arrived at the amusement park just a few minutes later and got out of the salsa colored mini van. Then I saw it. A huge trail of dark green roller coaster tracks floating in the middle of the bright blue sky, plunging down into what I figured was a dark cave or tunnel. I could feel a sudden churning in my stomach occurr. ‘You ready, Sammy?’, my best-friend Amanda exclaimed. She was a pretty girl, one that looked so innocent, you couldn't say no to her. So, I lied. ‘Of course I am’. I guess that wasn't reassuring enough for her, because after that she dragged me with all her might over to the ticket stand, and then dragged me back to where the entrance of the roller coaster stood.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ Just yesterday I went on the biggest adventure of my life. A couple of close friends and I decided to go to the local amusement park to spend part of our spring break. I wasn't excited about it, for I had never been on a roller coaster before. However, my friends simply insisted. ‘It just wouldn't be the same without you, Sammy,’ they'd say. That's what they called me, Sammy, short for Samantha. So of course I gave in, I mean, who couldn't? …That morning, just as we were getting in the van, I heard someone scream, ‘Get ready to puke, everyone! We're going on the big roller coaster today!’ At that moment, I felt like I could almost die. The whole 40-minute drive there, everyone else was getting pumped up and ready for what was going to be the biggest thrill of my life. I just wasn't exactly ready for it yet.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ She was a pretty girl, one that looked so innocent, you couldn't say no to her.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions within the story. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Then I saw it. A huge trail of dark green roller coaster tracks floating in the middle of the bright blue sky, plunging down into what I figured was a dark cave or tunnel. I could feel a sudden churning in my stomach occurr.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Have you ever gotten on a ride that had a bad reputation? If you have, have you never attempt to go on it again? Can you remember the most frightening part? In some part of the ride did you just wanted to just hop off? I did and I will be telling you about the most terrifying ride I've never been on.

You may be wondering why would people get on a such ride. Well, if you ask me those people's like have to fun. I say that because if you really want to have fun you will, do crazy things. You may not, but many others may. I am one of those people who likes to have fun and I think that this roller coaster would be a great way to have fun.

Fear dropped through my stomach as I fasten my seatbelt for the most terrifying ride there is, The Back Breaker. This ride is known for seriously injuring half of the people who even dares to ride it. Why would I ride it? I am an adventurous person and I love suspense in a ride. I will be writing about a rollercoaster that I've been on and will never forget.

Briana, Breana, Brandon , Donlay, Deshun, and I were at this amusement park called Six Flags Magic Mountain . It was the couples' day out and we wanted to have some fun. All of us had heard of the ride Back Breaker and its background. Brandon and I dared the other two couples to go on the ride first then we would go on after them. They went first after a five minute argument.

When they got off they rushed me to get on. Brandon was not scared, but I was. The worker had told everyone to fasten their seatbelts and when the ride started I knew it was going to be something to remember. The ride starts tugging up a high, rusty ramp, then it went down. It starts twisting, turning, and bouncing. I grabbed onto Brandon and he held me extra tight. I was screaming extra loud until the ride stopped, everyone on the ride was silenced. Right when I thought we were stuck the ride start going in reverse and up side down.

Brandon and I made it off safe and excited. The other two couples laughed at us because we were shaking. That day I made a promise to myself to never ride that ride ever again. My prediction was right. I never forgot that ride.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are presented in this narrative about a day at an amusement park. The story demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task while providing relevant description and details.

The main event is adequately stated. (“Have you ever gotten on a ride that had a bad reputation? If you have, have you never attempt to go on it again? Can you remember the most frightening part? In some part of the ride did you just wanted to just hop off? I did and I will be telling you about the most terrifying ride I've never been on.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“When they got off they rushed me to get on. Brandon was not scared, but I was. The worker had told everyone to fasten their seatbelts and when the ride started I knew it was going to be something to remember. The ride starts tugging up a high, rusty ramp, then it went down. It starts twisting, turning, and bouncing. I grabbed onto Brandon and he held me extra tight. I was screaming extra loud until the ride stopped, everyone on the ride was silenced. Right when I thought we were stuck the ride start going in reverse and up side down.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are adequately developed. (“ Fear dropped through my stomach as I fasten my seatbelt for the most terrifying ride there is, The Back Breaker. This ride is known for seriously injuring half of the people who even dares to ride it. Why would I ride it? I am an adventurous person and I love suspense in a ride.”)

Content & Development

Content and development, as seen in the story, are adequate. The narrative provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with believable characters created. The writer also establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details adequately describe the problem in the story. (“Have you ever gotten on a ride that had a bad reputation? If you have, have you never attempt to go on it again? Can you remember the most frightening part? In some part of the ride did you just wanted to just hop off? I did and I will be telling you about the most terrifying ride I've never been on.”)

Adequate detail is used to develop the story’s main events. (“Briana, Breana, Brandon , Donlay, Deshun, and I were at this amusement park called Six Flags Magic Mountain . It was the couples' day out and we wanted to have some fun. All of us had heard of the ride Back Breaker and its background. Brandon and I dared the other two couples to go on the ride first then we would go on after them. They went first after a five minute argument.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“Brandon and I made it off safe and excited. The other two couples laughed at us because we were shaking. That day I made a promise to myself to never ride that ride ever again. My prediction was right. I never forgot that ride.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is detected in this narrative. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. Additionally, the narrative generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Have you ever gotten on a ride that had a bad reputation? If you have, have you never attempt to go on it again? Can you remember the most frightening part? In some part of the ride did you just wanted to just hop off? I did and I will be telling you about the most terrifying ride I've never been on.”)

The mood in the beginning is set with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ Fear dropped through my stomach as I fasten my seatbelt for the most terrifying ride there is, The Back Breaker. This ride is known for seriously injuring half of the people who even dares to ride it. Why would I ride it? I am an adventurous person and I love suspense in a ride. I will be writing about a rollercoaster that I've been on and will never forget.”)

The beginning includes adequate background information about the event. (“ Have you ever gotten on a ride that had a bad reputation? If you have, have you never attempt to go on it again? Can you remember the most frightening part? In some part of the ride did you just wanted to just hop off? I did and I will be telling you about the most terrifying ride I've never been on. …You may be wondering why would people get on a such ride. Well, if you ask me those people's like have to fun. I say that because if you really want to have fun you will, do crazy things. You may not, but many others may. I am one of those people who likes to have fun and I think that this roller coaster would be a great way to have fun.”)

The ending includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“ Brandon and I made it off safe and excited. The other two couples laughed at us because we were shaking. That day I made a promise to myself to never ride that ride ever again. My prediction was right. I never forgot that ride.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is apparent in the story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ When they got off they rushed me to get on. Brandon was not scared, but I was. The worker had told everyone to fasten their seatbelts and when the ride started I knew it was going to be something to remember. The ride starts tugging up a high, rusty ramp, then it went down. It starts twisting, turning, and bouncing. I grabbed onto Brandon and he held me extra tight.”)

Exact and specific words from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ FLASH! There goes my life before my eyes. Just imagine riding on a roller coaster; hands trembling with fear, your heart pounding like thunder, your mind racing at the speed of light. Do you get the feeling, yet? Well, welcome to my reality.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor and simple, as illustrated by the following excerpt: “ When they got off they rushed me to get on. Brandon was not scared, but I was.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is what readers will find in this written piece. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The ride starts tugging up a high, rusty ramp, then it went down. It starts twisting, turning, and bouncing. I grabbed onto Brandon and he held me extra tight. I was screaming extra loud until the ride stopped, everyone on the ride was silenced. Right when I thought we were stuck the ride start going in reverse and up side down.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

One beautiful morning when I woked up my parents decided to take my to an amusment park like Six Flags Magic Mountain . So then I got every thing ready to go to the amusment park. So then it was time to go. My parents told me if I wanted to bring any friends and I said okay so I called anna if she wanted to go and she said sure. Then I called my other friend and asked her if she wanted to come with me but she said she cant go because she is having a disc compisition with her dog lucy. So then I called my other friends and they always have an exuse. So only one friend went with me. So then we finally left.

When we went in the car I started to sleep the hole ride and while we were on the car my friend put make up on me when I was still asleep. So when we were there my freind Anna started waking me up. So when I woke up I jumped out of the car as fast as I could. But then my mom was calling me she startled because I looked like a clown because I had so much make up on. So then when I turned around my friend had make in her pocket but dont worry I didn't get mad at her. So when we got in every body started to laugh at me. So when I went to the girls bath room I satrted to cleaned everything off of my face.

Then when I got everything off of my face it was time to get on the rides. First we went on the little kids rides which it was looney town and then we went on the meduiem rides Ten my mom said lets eat and then go on the big rides and my friend and I said okay. After we were done eating anna and I ran up and was going on batman, scream, superman, ninjia, and all the other rides ect. But my favorite one is tatsu. So then it was time to go and then we left and toke my friend anna home. Then my mom told me to go to sleep.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Readers of this story can detect a limited focus and meaning. A limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. Also, description and details are provided that may not be relevant to the story.

The story states the main event. (“ One beautiful morning when I woked up my parents decided to take my to an amusment park like Six Flags Magic Mountain . So then I got every thing ready to go to the amusment park. So then it was time to go.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Then when I got everything off of my face it was time to get on the rides. First we went on the little kids rides which it was looney town and then we went on the meduiem rides Ten my mom said lets eat and then go on the big rides and my friend and I said okay. After we were done eating anna and I ran up and was going on batman, scream, superman, ninjia, and all the other rides ect. But my favorite one is tatsu. So then it was time to go and then we left and toke my friend anna home. Then my mom told me to go to sleep.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“My parents told me if I wanted to bring any friends and I said okay so I called anna if she wanted to go and she said sure. Then I called my other friend and asked her if she wanted to come with me but she said she cant go because she is having a disc compisition with her dog lucy. So then I called my other friends and they always have an exuse. So only one friend went with me. So then we finally left.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are clearly limited in this story. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than just a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“Then when I got everything off of my face it was time to get on the rides. First we went on the little kids rides which it was looney town and then we went on the meduiem rides Ten my mom said lets eat and then go on the big rides and my friend and I said okay. After we were done eating anna and I ran up and was going on batman, scream, superman, ninjia, and all the other rides ect. But my favorite one is tatsu. So then it was time to go and then we left and toke my friend anna home. Then my mom told me to go to sleep.”)

The plot is limited. (“Then when I got everything off of my face it was time to get on the rides. First we went on the little kids rides which it was looney town and then we went on the meduiem rides Ten my mom said lets eat and then go on the big rides and my friend and I said okay. After we were done eating anna and I ran up and was going on batman, scream, superman, ninjia, and all the other rides ect. But my favorite one is tatsu. So then it was time to go and then we left and toke my friend anna home. Then my mom told me to go to sleep.”)

There is limited development about what happened before the main event. (“When we went in the car I started to sleep the hole ride and while we were on the car my friend put make up on me when I was still asleep. So when we were there my freind Anna started waking me up. So when I woke up I jumped out of the car as fast as I could. But then my mom was calling me she startled because I looked like a clown because I had so much make up on. So then when I turned around my friend had make in her pocket but dont worry I didn't get mad at her. So when we got in every body started to laugh at me. So when I went to the girls bath room I satrted to cleaned everything off of my face.”)

Organization

The story is characterized by limited organization. The narrative provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may also be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, yet readers are provided with some sense of closure.

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ One beautiful morning when I woked up my parents decided to take my to an amusment park like Six Flags Magic Mountain . So then I got every thing ready to go to the amusment park. So then it was time to go. My parents told me if I wanted to bring any friends and I said okay so I called anna if she wanted to go and she said sure. Then I called my other friend and asked her if she wanted to come with me but she said she cant go because she is having a disc compisition with her dog lucy. So then I called my other friends and they always have an exuse. So only one friend went with me. So then we finally left.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Then when I got everything off of my face it was time to get on the rides. First we went on the little kids rides which it was looney town and then we went on the meduiem rides Ten my mom said lets eat and then go on the big rides and my friend and I said okay. After we were done eating anna and I ran up and was going on batman, scream, superman, ninjia, and all the other rides ect.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ Then when I got everything off of my face it was time to get on the rides. First we went on the little kids rides which it was looney town and then we went on the meduiem rides Ten my mom said lets eat and then go on the big rides and my friend and I said okay. After we were done eating anna and I ran up and was going on batman, scream, superman, ninjia, and all the other rides ect. But my favorite one is tatsu. So then it was time to go and then we left and toke my friend anna home. Then my mom told me to go to sleep.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the story is clearly limited. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ But then my mom was calling me she startled because I looked like a clown because I had so much make up on.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ So then it was time to go. …So only one friend went with me. So then we finally left.”)

The story uses the same group of words to begin two consecutive sentences in the second paragraph of this three-paragraph story. (“ So when we were there my freind Anna started waking me up. So when I woke up I jumped out of the car as fast as I could.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing is exhibited in this story. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Then when I got everything off of my face it was time to get on the rides. First we went on the little kids rides which it was looney town and then we went on the meduiem rides Ten my mom said lets eat and then go on the big rides and my friend and I said okay.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

One day my sister wanted to go to California edventure. My sister and dad really wanted me to try California screaming. It has a loop the shape of a micky mouse head. On the car ride ther I felt like my stomck was about to burst. It was so nerve racking. When we got there my sister also wanted me to go on tower of terror. That ride is so scary! We are in an elevater and you drop. After the ride I loved it, it was so much fun. Next they wanted to go on California screaming, thats when I wanted to throw up! I am so cared of rollor costers, but as a good sport I rode it. During the ride I loved it! I relised why people loved rollar costers so much.

That day I rode California screaming three times, it was a blast! Now I love rollor costers. So if you ever go to California edventure make sure you try California screaming, and tower if terror. You might learn that you love rollor costers to!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story shows minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“One day my sister wanted to go to California edventure. My sister and dad really wanted me to try California screaming. It has a loop the shape of a micky mouse head. On the car ride ther I felt like my stomck was about to burst. It was so nerve racking. When we got there my sister also wanted me to go on tower of terror. That ride is so scary! We are in an elevater and you drop. After the ride I loved it, it was so much fun. Next they wanted to go on California screaming, thats when I wanted to throw up! I am so cared of rollor costers, but as a good sport I rode it. During the ride I loved it! I relised why people loved rollar costers so much.”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“That day I rode California screaming three times, it was a blast! Now I love rollor costers. So if you ever go to California edventure make sure you try California screaming, and tower if terror. You might learn that you love rollor costers to!”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“ Next they wanted to go on California screaming, thats when I wanted to throw up! I am so cared of rollor costers, but as a good sport I rode it. During the ride I loved it! I relised why people loved rollar costers so much.”)

Content & Development

The story is comprised of only minimal content and development. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting, and characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. There is a lack of tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“One day my sister wanted to go to California edventure. My sister and dad really wanted me to try California screaming. It has a loop the shape of a micky mouse head. On the car ride ther I felt like my stomck was about to burst. It was so nerve racking. When we got there my sister also wanted me to go on tower of terror. That ride is so scary! We are in an elevater and you drop. After the ride I loved it, it was so much fun. Next they wanted to go on California screaming, thats when I wanted to throw up! I am so cared of rollor costers, but as a good sport I rode it. During the ride I loved it! I relised why people loved rollar costers so much.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“ One day my sister wanted to go to California edventure. My sister and dad really wanted me to try California screaming. It has a loop the shape of a micky mouse head.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“One day my sister wanted to go to California edventure. My sister and dad really wanted me to try California screaming. It has a loop the shape of a micky mouse head. On the car ride ther I felt like my stomck was about to burst. It was so nerve racking. When we got there my sister also wanted me to go on tower of terror. That ride is so scary! We are in an elevater and you drop. After the ride I loved it, it was so much fun. Next they wanted to go on California screaming, thats when I wanted to throw up! I am so cared of rollor costers, but as a good sport I rode it. During the ride I loved it! I relised why people loved rollar costers so much.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is a prime component of this story. The writer provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, there is little evidence of an ending.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One day my sister wanted to go to California edventure. My sister and dad really wanted me to try California screaming. It has a loop the shape of a micky mouse head. On the car ride ther I felt like my stomck was about to burst. It was so nerve racking. When we got there my sister also wanted me to go on tower of terror. That ride is so scary! We are in an elevater and you drop. After the ride I loved it, it was so much fun. Next they wanted to go on California screaming, thats when I wanted to throw up! I am so cared of rollor costers, but as a good sport I rode it. During the ride I loved it! I relised why people loved rollar costers so much.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ One day my sister wanted to go to California edventure. My sister and dad really wanted me to try California screaming. It has a loop the shape of a micky mouse head. On the car ride ther I felt like my stomck was about to burst. It was so nerve racking. When we got there my sister also wanted me to go on tower of terror. That ride is so scary! We are in an elevater and you drop. After the ride I loved it, it was so much fun. Next they wanted to go on California screaming, thats when I wanted to throw up! I am so cared of rollor costers, but as a good sport I rode it. During the ride I loved it! I relised why people loved rollar costers so much.”)

The ending only minimally leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ That day I rode California screaming three times, it was a blast! Now I love rollor costers. So if you ever go to California edventure make sure you try California screaming, and tower if terror. You might learn that you love rollor costers to!”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style in the story is apparent to readers. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ After the ride I loved it, it was so much fun. Next they wanted to go on California screaming, thats when I wanted to throw up!”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ It was so nerve racking. …That ride is so scary! We are in an elevater and you drop.”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ That day I rode California screaming three times, it was a blast! Now I love rollor costers. So if you ever go to California edventure make sure you try California screaming, and tower if terror. You might learn that you love rollor costers to!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story shows minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I am so cared of rollor costers, but as a good sport I rode it. During the ride I loved it! I relised why people loved rollar costers so much.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story’s focus and meaning are inadequate. The narrative demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant.

The story does not state the main event. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

Content & Development

Content within this story is developed inadequately. The narrative l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. A lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

Organization

This narrative has inadequate organization. It may have an opening that does no more than repeats the title of the prompt. The story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

The story demonstrates no ending. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are clear to readers of this brief narrative. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

There is repetition, as “I” is used consistently to begin sentences. (“ I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

Transitions are needed. (“People are on the coaster. Its at six flags. Roller coasters are fun to watch because I like seeing it go fast. It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides. I see people on the coaster. I see merry go rounds.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ It sound like scary. I like to watch it. My mom and my sister go on the roller coasters. I can;t go on roller coasters rides.”)

Oral History Narrative

During an interview with a person of a different generation, collect information about the important changes and experiences that have taken place in his or her life. If you were writing a biography of this person, what kind of significant events and stories revealed in the interview would you include?

Write a biographical narrative of your interviewee, including appropriate anecdotes and experiences from his or her life.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

While staying in Italy , B. A. S. enjoys living as a local resident, speaking the language, and making new friends. Each day she goes to the market and gets her daily groceries. In the evening her new found friends come over, and teach her and her husband delicious and magnificent Italian cooking. This is exciting for her because she always enjoys cooking and learning about different food dishes. While she stays in Italy , she travels with her husband to new and exciting places. It is finally time to return to the United States of America , she is heartbroken to leave adventurous Italy and her new friends, but she is also happy to return to her old friends and family.

Now 71 years old, born in on January 26, 1937, in Pensacola , Florida , B was born at home on a farm. She was also raised on the farm with her four other siblings. Her mother's name was V and her father's name was S. When she was nine years old her sister H was born and a year later her brother J was born. At age twenty-three her family welcomed her sister into the family and three years later, her brother. She was the oldest. On her father's side she had two uncles, Uncle P and Uncle D and she had one aunt, Aunt R. On her mother's side she had three uncles, Uncle D, Uncle B, and Uncle T, and she had three aunts, Aunt B, Aunt E, and Aunt J. Her family was religious and every Sunday her family would get dressed up and go to church. Her grandparents lived with her, Grandpa S, Grandpa J, Grandma M, and Grandma K. She called them Mamaw and Papaw. For a living, her father was a carpenter, her mother who was a homemaker along with her grandma, and her grandpa, well he was a scientist.

She lived on a farm that didn't have an address, on a quiet dirt road. It didn't have any street lights or stop lights. When visitors came, they knocked at the door, and her parents usually left the door unlatched. Her family almost always ate in the dining room and the only person who delivered to their house was the mailman. The place that scared her the most was the attic because it was dark and big. In their lawn they had a flowerbed with roses, zinnias, and marigolds. They had three fireplaces and a big front porch.

The name of her elementary school was P.K.Y., and they didn't have kindergarten at that time. Everyday, she would ride the bus to school and every morning they would start the day off by saying the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer. Her favorite subject was math and she got very good grades, and was never punished. A historic event that happened in school was the end of World War II. She found out about it by reading it in the newspaper. Her family heard of the news in the world by either reading it in the newspaper or by listening to it on the radio. The name of her high school was Pensacola High School and her mascot was Mickey Mouse. For extra-curricular activities, she played the flute and piccolo, and she was also the Student Body President. She studied French, she took two years of Algebra in math, and she studied Botany and Zoology in science.

She went to college at T.A.I. and GW. She chose to go there because at the time, she lived there. The schools were big and she lived at home. She did not attend graduate school, but her major was music. B picked it because she was a talented piano player. In college she did not play any sports and she didn't involve in campus politics. Nor did she have a part-time job. She received a Bachelor of Science in Arts degree, and she attended her graduation, but nobody else did. One of the historical events that happened while she was in college was that John Fitzgerald Kennedy (whom she once met in person) was assassinated. B's first job was working in a bakery, but her first career job was working at the Pentagon.

She is now married to Bob S., but first she had a sweetheart in the service, and then she married a serviceman. When he got his orders, she was in Pensacola . She stayed near a stateside base with him and she was friendly with the other wives. B lived in Norfolk , Virginia , and she did not go back and stay with her parents. She did not work, and she wrote once a month and received letters once a month. She does not have any of those letters to this day. B read the Pensacola News Journal. She kept a picture of her sweetheart on her dresser.

Her first love was the paper boy named Buddy, but instead she married Bill Sc. on March 19, 1954. B and Bill Sc. got married in Pensacola , Florida at a small wedding. For their honeymoon, they went to Norfolk , Virginia for two weeks. The hardest times in her marriage were when Bill was gone away from home. She got along with her in-laws, but now she said she should've waited longer to get married. She has two children, and their favorite bedtime story was "Byeo". Her children didn't watch much TV. The scariest moment of being a parent was when her daughter was very sick. Every part of being a parent was the best part. All the houses B and her family lived in were rented with two bedrooms, one bathroom, one living room/family room and no basement. She does not live in the same house to this day. She actually raised her family in a lot of different places because her husband was in the military and he had to move everywhere, so they moved along with him. They had both gas and electric stoves, and they had telephones.

Later, B divorced Bill Sc. and married Bob S. Now, she has seven grandchildren. Their ages are two adults, 11, 9, 8, 6, and two months old. They live in Santa Rosa and Orange County . She sees two of her grandchildren almost only at summer and Christmas, and three of them about six times a year. B's wishes for her grandchildren are for them to be healthy, to study hard, and to follow their dreams. She wants them to remember that she loves them and enjoys them. Now that she is retired she sews, knits, reads, and travels. She can use a computer, digital camera, and DVD player. She has traveled to Paris , Berlin , Italy , and France. Some of her hobbies are sewing and knitting. Watching the evening news is a daily routine with her husband.

In conclusion, B has had a fun, challenging, and adventurous life. She would also like to help people be happy and positive. She will always remember her children and grandchildren and that they loved her as much as she loved them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this narrative. The piece demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is clear. (“ While staying in Italy , B. A. S. enjoys living as a local resident, speaking the language, and making new friends. Each day she goes to the market and gets her daily groceries. In the evening her new found friends come over, and teach her and her husband delicious and magnificent Italian cooking. This is exciting for her because she always enjoys cooking and learning about different food dishes. While she stays in Italy , she travels with her husband to new and exciting places. It is finally time to return to the United States of America, she is heartbroken to leave adventurous Italy and her new friends, but she is also happy to return to her old friends and family.”)

The setting (where and when the story takes place) is developed very effectively. (“ She lived on a farm that didn't have an address, on a quiet dirt road. It didn't have any street lights or stop lights. When visitors came, they knocked at the door, and her parents usually left the door unlatched. Her family almost always ate in the dining room and the only person who delivered to their house was the mailman. The place that scared her the most was the attic because it was dark and big. In their lawn they had a flowerbed with roses, zinnias, and marigolds. They had three fireplaces and a big front porch.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“ She lived on a farm that didn't have an address, on a quiet dirt road. It didn't have any street lights or stop lights. When visitors came, they knocked at the door, and her parents usually left the door unlatched. Her family almost always ate in the dining room and the only person who delivered to their house was the mailman. The place that scared her the most was the attic because it was dark and big. In their lawn they had a flowerbed with roses, zinnias, and marigolds. They had three fireplaces and a big front porch.”)

Content & Development

The narrative consists of very effective content and development. A thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting are provided, and complex characters are created. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“While staying in Italy , B. A. S. enjoys living as a local resident, speaking the language, and making new friends. Each day she goes to the market and gets her daily groceries. In the evening her new found friends come over, and teach her and her husband delicious and magnificent Italian cooking. This is exciting for her because she always enjoys cooking and learning about different food dishes. While she stays in Italy , she travels with her husband to new and exciting places. It is finally time to return to the United States of America, she is heartbroken to leave adventurous Italy and her new friends, but she is also happy to return to her old friends and family.”)

The characters are developed in very effective detail. (“Now 71 years old, born in on January 26, 1937, in Pensacola , Florida , B. A. J. was born at home on a farm. She was also raised on the farm with her four other siblings. Her mother's name was V and her father's name was S. When she was nine years old her sister H was born and a year later her brother J was born. At age twenty-three her family welcomed her sister K into the family and three years later, her brother S. She was the oldest. On her father's side she had two uncles, Uncle P and Uncle D and she had one aunt, Aunt R. On her mother's side she had three uncles, Uncle D, Uncle B, and Uncle T, and she had three aunts, Aunt B, Aunt E, and Aunt J. Her family was religious and every Sunday her family would get dressed up and go to church. Her grandparents lived with her, Grandpa S, Grandpa J, Grandma M, and Grandma K. She called them Mamaw and Papaw. For a living, her father was a carpenter, her mother who was a homemaker along with her grandma, and her grandpa, well he was a scientist.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“She went to college at T.A.I. and GW. She chose to go there because at the time, she lived there. The schools were big and she lived at home. She did not attend graduate school, but her major was music. B picked it because she was a talented piano player. In college she did not play any sports and she didn't involve in campus politics. Nor did she have a part-time job. She received a Bachelor of Science in Arts degree, and she attended her graduation, but nobody else did. One of the historical events that happened while she was in college was that John Fitzgerald Kennedy (whom she once met in person) was assassinated.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is seen in this narrative. The story captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. It flows very smoothly due to excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation, a phrase from a character, a flashback, or foreshadowing. (“While staying in Italy , B. A. S. enjoys living as a local resident, speaking the language, and making new friends. Each day she goes to the market and gets her daily groceries. In the evening her new found friends come over, and teach her and her husband delicious and magnificent Italian cooking. This is exciting for her because she always enjoys cooking and learning about different food dishes. While she stays in Italy , she travels with her husband to new and exciting places. It is finally time to return to the United States of America, she is heartbroken to leave adventurous Italy and her new friends, but she is also happy to return to her old friends and family.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and character’s feelings. (“In conclusion, B has had a fun, challenging, and adventurous life. She would also like to help people be happy and positive. She will always remember her children and grandchildren and that they loved her as much as she loved them.”)

Details, words, or phrases are used very effectively in the beginning and ending to engage the readers’ interests. (“While staying in Italy , B. A. S. enjoys living as a local resident, speaking the language, and making new friends. Each day she goes to the market and gets her daily groceries. In the evening her new found friends come over, and teach her and her husband delicious and magnificent Italian cooking. This is exciting for her because she always enjoys cooking and learning about different food dishes. While she stays in Italy , she travels with her husband to new and exciting places. It is finally time to return to the United States of America , she is heartbroken to leave adventurous Italy and her new friends, but she is also happy to return to her old friends and family. …In conclusion, B has had a fun, challenging, and adventurous life. She would also like to help people be happy and positive. She will always remember her children and grandchildren and that they loved her as much as she loved them.”)

Language Use & Style

The narrative shows very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The introductory paragraph is aligned well with the second body paragraph through language and tone. (“ While staying in Italy , B. A. S. enjoys living as a local resident, speaking the language, and making new friends. Each day she goes to the market and gets her daily groceries. In the evening her new found friends come over, and teach her and her husband delicious and magnificent Italian cooking. This is exciting for her because she always enjoys cooking and learning about different food dishes. While she stays in Italy , she travels with her husband to new and exciting places. It is finally time to return to the United States of America , she is heartbroken to leave adventurous Italy and her new friends, but she is also happy to return to her old friends and family. …She lived on a farm that didn't have an address, on a quiet dirt road. It didn't have any street lights or stop lights. When visitors came, they knocked at the door, and her parents usually left the door unlatched. Her family almost always ate in the dining room and the only person who delivered to their house was the mailman. The place that scared her the most was the attic because it was dark and big. In their lawn they had a flowerbed with roses, zinnias, and marigolds. They had three fireplaces and a big front porch.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the introduction and first body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ While staying in Italy , B. A. S. enjoys living as a local resident, speaking the language, and making new friends. Each day she goes to the market and gets her daily groceries. In the evening her new found friends come over, and teach her and her husband delicious and magnificent Italian cooking. This is exciting for her because she always enjoys cooking and learning about different food dishes. While she stays in Italy , she travels with her husband to new and exciting places. It is finally time to return to the United States of America , she is heartbroken to leave adventurous Italy and her new friends, but she is also happy to return to her old friends and family. …Now 71 years old, born in on January 26, 1937, in Pensacola , Florida , B. A. J. was born at home on a farm. She was also raised on the farm with her four other siblings. Her mother's name was V and her father's name was S. When she was nine years old her sister H was born and a year later her brother Jwas born. At age twenty-three her family welcomed her sister K into the family and three years later, her brother S. She was the oldest. On her father's side she had two uncles, Uncle P and Uncle D and she had one aunt, Aunt R. On her mother's side she had three uncles, Uncle D, Uncle B, and Uncle T, and she had three aunts, Aunt B, Aunt E, and Aunt J. Her family was religious and every Sunday her family would get dressed up and go to church. Her grandparents lived with her, Grandpa S, Grandpa J, Grandma M, and Grandma K. She called them Mamaw and Papaw. For a living, her father was a carpenter, her mother who was a homemaker along with her grandma, and her grandpa, well he was a scientist.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ For extra-curricular activities, she played the flute and piccolo, and she was also the Student Body President.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ She lived on a farm that didn't have an address, on a quiet dirt road. It didn't have any street lights or stop lights. When visitors came, they knocked at the door, and her parents usually left the door unlatched.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Outside of the white farmhouse in Bear Valley , Wisconsin , sweating, breathing hard, and clenching his teeth, Bobby C. worked the milking machine connected to the cow. As a young boy, he lived on a farm from the time he was five to fifteen years old. As Bob hikes to the far off barn, he already knows what he has to do. First he washes the slimy, squishy udders. He then throws the dusty, dirty strap over the cow's huge back to secure the machine. He adjusts the suction cups on the udders to make sure no milk spills out. Vacuum buzzing, suction cups sucking, the milk machine starts up. The fresh milk is quietly and slowly trickling into the container. This was the kind of work he did every day. After living on a farm for ten years Bob definitely learned discipline.

Later in 1952 he moved away from the farm to Madison , Wisconsin . Before his family moved, World War Two broke out. It started when he was about five and it didn't end until he was about nine. At this time his family had to deal with rationing. Rationing is when people get coins that are given by the government. They use the coins to buy limited amounts of meat, sugar, gasoline, cigarettes, and other products. This was very difficult time for Bob's family. Bob said, "The saddest thing was when they found find out a young man from their neighborhood was wounded or killed in the war.

Life in Madison was extremely different for Bob. For example roads in Madison were paved and there were stoplights, while on the farm the roads were gravel and there were only signs. The move was a very big change for Bob. So was going to college he went to U. W. in Madison . The mascot is the badger and Bob loved their football team. He has been a Badger fan for many, many, years. He still enjoys watching the Badgers play on T. V.

In college Bob got a degree in business. While in college he worked part time at a grocery store. He also worked part time in high school, in those days he worked as a bus boy. He lived at home with his family for the first three years of college, and then he got married, and lived with his wife during his senior year. He married V. S. R. on Sept. 7, 1957. Less than a year after the wedding Bob and V had their first child. David C. was born on Aug. 25, 1958. Then in 1960, Jeffery C. was born on Feb. 20. Then their first daughter, Colleen C., was born on May 28, 1962. They all got along pretty well most of the time. They first lived in Stoughton , Wisconsin for seven years after their first child. They lived in a duplex. Then in March, 1966 they moved to Tustin , California .

Tustin was very different. For example, the climate in Wisconsin is much more harsh. They also experienced going to the beach which was new, and they also went to Disneyland . Bob has experienced so much moving. He was first born in Springfield , Wisconsin then when he was a baby he lived in Minnesota until he was five. Then he moved to the farm in Wisconsin , then onto Madison then Stoughton . Then with the family to Tustin .

Bob had a big family too. Including four other siblings, from oldest to youngest these were Bob's siblings J, Bob, M.J., E, and C. His parents were V and J. In his family he also has many members of his extended family. Today he has three children (as said above) and four grandchildren. All of his children are married and have kids.

Bob retired in 2001 when he was sixty-five. His family through a huge party with all family and all friends. Everybody was so excited for him. Then a couple years later he went back to work again. He is still working now, but he only works as a part time controller, on a temporary bases. Now that Bob only works a little, he and his wife have been traveling a lot. They mostly go to see family or friends. They have been to Wisconsin to see family and an Alaskan cruise; they have also been to Las Vegas , Washington D. C. and Maryland , Cabo San Lucas, and Canada . They also went to France and Italy with family. They have had many adventures. Bob and his wife just had their fiftieth wedding anniversary. It was held on Sept. 7, 2007. Many family members and friends were invited and they came. It was at the El Niguel Country Club in Laguna Beach , California , Which was a very exciting and a joyous occasion.

Bob has had a very full life so far with loads of fun and excitement. From a modest beginning on the farm, to the "big city" of Madison , then onto Stoughton and California . He has also had a successful career and a life filled with a loving family and many supportive friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This narrative demonstrates good focus and meaning with a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that are all relevant to the story.

The main event of the story is stated well. (“Bob has had a very full life so far with loads of fun and excitement. From a modest beginning on the farm, to the ‘big city’ of Madison , then onto Stoughton and California . He has also had a successful career and a life filled with a loving family and many supportive friends.”)

The events in the story are often consistent with the prompt. (“In college Bob got a degree in business. While in college he worked part time at a grocery store. He also worked part time in high school, in those days he worked as a bus boy. He lived at home with his family for the first three years of college, and then he got married, and lived with his wife during his senior year. He married V. S. R. on Sept. 7, 1957. Less than a year after the wedding Bob and V had their first child. David C. was born on Aug. 25, 1958. Then in 1960, Jeffery C. was born on Feb. 20. Then their first daughter, Colleen C., was born on May 28, 1962. They all got along pretty well most of the time. They first lived in Stoughton , Wisconsin for seven years after their first child. They lived in a duplex. Then in March, 1966 they moved to Tustin , California .”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“Outside of the white farmhouse in Bear Valley , Wisconsin , sweating, breathing hard, and clenching his teeth, Bobby C. worked the milking machine connected to the cow. As a young boy, he lived on a farm from the time he was five to fifteen years old. As Bob hikes to the far off barn, he already knows what he has to do. First he washes the slimy, squishy udders. He then throws the dusty, dirty strap over the cow's huge back to secure the machine. He adjusts the suction cups on the udders to make sure no milk spills out. Vacuum buzzing, suction cups sucking, the milk machine starts up. The fresh milk is quietly and slowly trickling into the container. This was the kind of work he did every day. After living on a farm for ten years Bob definitely learned discipline.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within the story are good. The narrative provides a well-developed plot and setting with believable characters created. Furthermore, tension, conflict, or a problem is present that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“In college Bob got a degree in business. While in college he worked part time at a grocery store. He also worked part time in high school, in those days he worked as a bus boy. He lived at home with his family for the first three years of college, and then he got married, and lived with his wife during his senior year. He married V. S. R. on Sept. 7, 1957. Less than a year after the wedding Bob and V had their first child. David C. was born on Aug. 25, 1958. Then in 1960, Jeffery C. was born on Feb. 20. Then their first daughter, Colleen C., was born on May 28, 1962. They all got along pretty well most of the time. They first lived in Stoughton , Wisconsin for seven years after their first child. They lived in a duplex. Then in March, 1966 they moved to Tustin , California .”)

Effective sensory detail develops the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“Outside of the white farmhouse in Bear Valley , Wisconsin , sweating, breathing hard, and clenching his teeth, Bobby C. worked the milking machine connected to the cow. As a young boy, he lived on a farm from the time he was five to fifteen years old. As Bob hikes to the far off barn, he already knows what he has to do. First he washes the slimy, squishy udders. He then throws the dusty, dirty strap over the cow's huge back to secure the machine. He adjusts the suction cups on the udders to make sure no milk spills out. Vacuum buzzing, suction cups sucking, the milk machine starts up. The fresh milk is quietly and slowly trickling into the container. This was the kind of work he did every day. After living on a farm for ten years Bob definitely learned discipline.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Later in 1952 he moved away from the farm to Madison , Wisconsin . Before his family moved, World War Two broke out. It started when he was about five and it didn't end until he was about nine. At this time his family had to deal with rationing. Rationing is when people get coins that are given by the government. They use the coins to buy limited amounts of meat, sugar, gasoline, cigarettes, and other products. This was very difficult time for Bob's family. Bob said, ‘The saddest thing was when they found find out a young man from their neighborhood was wounded or killed in the war.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by good organization. The narrative flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation, a flashback, or foreshadowing. (“ Outside of the white farmhouse in Bear Valley , Wisconsin , sweating, breathing hard, and clenching his teeth, Bobby C. worked the milking machine connected to the cow. As a young boy, he lived on a farm from the time he was five to fifteen years old. As Bob hikes to the far off barn, he already knows what he has to do. First he washes the slimy, squishy udders. He then throws the dusty, dirty strap over the cow's huge back to secure the machine. He adjusts the suction cups on the udders to make sure no milk spills out. Vacuum buzzing, suction cups sucking, the milk machine starts up. The fresh milk is quietly and slowly trickling into the container. This was the kind of work he did every day. After living on a farm for ten years Bob definitely learned discipline.”)

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ Outside of the white farmhouse in Bear Valley , Wisconsin , sweating, breathing hard, and clenching his teeth, Bobby C. worked the milking machine connected to the cow. As a young boy, he lived on a farm from the time he was five to fifteen years old. As Bob hikes to the far off barn, he already knows what he has to do. First he washes the slimy, squishy udders. He then throws the dusty, dirty strap over the cow's huge back to secure the machine. He adjusts the suction cups on the udders to make sure no milk spills out. Vacuum buzzing, suction cups sucking, the milk machine starts up. The fresh milk is quietly and slowly trickling into the container. This was the kind of work he did every day. After living on a farm for ten years Bob definitely learned discipline.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ Now that Bob only works a little, he and his wife have been traveling a lot. They mostly go to see family or friends. They have been to Wisconsin to see family and an Alaskan cruise; they have also been to Las Vegas , Washington D. C. and Maryland , Cabo San Lucas, and Canada .”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates good use of language and style in the story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, well-structured sentences with some variety are seen.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the narrative. (“ Later in 1952 he moved away from the farm to Madison , Wisconsin . Before his family moved, World War Two broke out. It started when he was about five and it didn't end until he was about nine. At this time his family had to deal with rationing. Rationing is when people get coins that are given by the government. They use the coins to buy limited amounts of meat, sugar, gasoline, cigarettes, and other products. This was very difficult time for Bob's family. Bob said, ‘The saddest thing was when they found find out a young man from their neighborhood was wounded or killed in the war. …Life in Madison was extremely different for Bob. For example roads in Madison were paved and there were stoplights, while on the farm the roads were gravel and there were only signs. The move was a very big change for Bob. So was going to college he went to U. W. in Madison . The mascot is the badger and Bob loved their football team. He has been a Badger fan for many, many, years. He still enjoys watching the Badgers play on T. V.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the introduction and the first body paragraph are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ Outside of the white farmhouse in Bear Valley , Wisconsin , sweating, breathing hard, and clenching his teeth, Bobby C. worked the milking machine connected to the cow. As a young boy, he lived on a farm from the time he was five to fifteen years old. As Bob hikes to the far off barn, he already knows what he has to do. First he washes the slimy, squishy udders. He then throws the dusty, dirty strap over the cow's huge back to secure the machine. He adjusts the suction cups on the udders to make sure no milk spills out. Vacuum buzzing, suction cups sucking, the milk machine starts up. The fresh milk is quietly and slowly trickling into the container. This was the kind of work he did every day. After living on a farm for ten years Bob definitely learned discipline. …Later in 1952 he moved away from the farm to Madison , Wisconsin . Before his family moved, World War Two broke out. It started when he was about five and it didn't end until he was about nine. At this time his family had to deal with rationing. Rationing is when people get coins that are given by the government. They use the coins to buy limited amounts of meat, sugar, gasoline, cigarettes, and other products. This was very difficult time for Bob's family. Bob said, ‘The saddest thing was when they found find out a young man from their neighborhood was wounded or killed in the war.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ Outside of the white farmhouse in Bear Valley , Wisconsin , sweating, breathing hard, and clenching his teeth, Bobby C. worked the milking machine connected to the cow.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is apparent to readers of this story. There are f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Later in 1952 he moved away from the farm to Madison , Wisconsin . Before his family moved, World War Two broke out. It started when he was about five and it didn't end until he was about nine.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

My Grandma has many stories to tell she has lived trough a lot of things but as I spoke to her the following is what she would want people to know about her. She was born March 25, 1947, she was the first born of the next twelve to come.

She is currently 61 years old she told me that when she was still a kid she did all the housework and took care of her youngest sister when she was still a kid. She did this because her mother helped her father make shoes to make ends meet. My Grandma told me that this prepared her to be a housewife and mother and that she was glad she could help her family.

My Grandma married my Grandpa at the age of 17 and had my mom her first child at the age of 18. My grandma then went on to have her next 5 children. She had her sixth child at the age of 30. So all together she had six children 3 girls and 3 boys. All my uncles and aunts are now married and between all of them and my mom they gave my grandma 20 nieces and nephews. My grandma says she is very happy and is glad to have us all.

We've all heard at some point older people say the world is going to end as a child you wouldn't know any better, well thats what happened to my Grandma at the age of 8. She heard all the people around her say that the world was going to end the year 1960. The day came and my grandma being young thought it was true, so she had a garden and cut all the flowers because the world was coming to end. She cried a lot but the next day when nothing happened she was happy to learn that it was never true that the world was coming to an end.

My Grandma also recalls a time when she was about to turn 15 years old her parents and she had to go to another state to find a job because where they were there was no work. Then when she was 17 she returned to her hometown and married my Grandpa. Her parents lived in the other state for more than twenty years, there many of my grandmas' siblings were born. My grandma also told me that two of her sister sisters were pregnant at the same time she was pregnant with my mom. When my mom got married says my grandma her parents returned to their hometown where my grandma was living and bought a house right behind my grandmas'.

Since my grandma loved her parents so much they made a hallway connecting both houses and she visited them everyday. Unfortunately, my great grand father passed away two years ago from a heart attack. My Grandma tells me she was very sad when this happened because she was very close to him. When she was younger she said she went with her dad to work because she felt bad no one went with him.

My grandma has lived through events all of us will live at some points. She has also lived through things some of us will never experience but she has lived a wonderful life in her eyes and mine.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This model story illustrates adequate focus and meaning, while demonstrating a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Additionally, the writer provides relevant description and details.

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“My Grandma also recalls a time when she was about to turn 15 years old her parents and she had to go to another state to find a job because where they were there was no work. Then when she was 17 she returned to her hometown and married my Grandpa. Her parents lived in the other state for more than twenty years, there many of my grandmas' siblings were born. My grandma also told me that two of her sister sisters were pregnant at the same time she was pregnant with my mom. When my mom got married says my grandma her parents returned to their hometown where my grandma was living and bought a house right behind my grandmas'.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is adequate. (“My Grandma has many stories to tell she has lived trough a lot of things but as I spoke to her the following is what she would want people to know about her. She was born March 25, 1947, she was the first born of the next twelve to come.”)

The audience for the story is clear. (“My Grandma has many stories to tell she has lived trough a lot of things but as I spoke to her the following is what she would want people to know about her. She was born March 25, 1947, she was the first born of the next twelve to come.”)

Content & Development

Content is developed adequately. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The narrative establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“My Grandma also recalls a time when she was about to turn 15 years old her parents and she had to go to another state to find a job because where they were there was no work. Then when she was 17 she returned to her hometown and married my Grandpa. Her parents lived in the other state for more than twenty years, there many of my grandmas' siblings were born. My grandma also told me that two of her sister sisters were pregnant at the same time she was pregnant with my mom. When my mom got married says my grandma her parents returned to their hometown where my grandma was living and bought a house right behind my grandmas'.”)

The characters are developed in adequate detail. (“My Grandma has many stories to tell she has lived trough a lot of things but as I spoke to her the following is what she would want people to know about her. She was born March 25, 1947, she was the first born of the next twelve to come. …She is currently 61 years old she told me that when she was still a kid she did all the housework and took care of her youngest sister when she was still a kid. She did this because her mother helped her father make shoes to make ends meet. My Grandma told me that this prepared her to be a housewife and mother and that she was glad she could help her family.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“My Grandma married my Grandpa at the age of 17 and had my mom her first child at the age of 18. My grandma then went on to have her next 5 children. She had her sixth child at the age of 30. So all together she had six children 3 girls and 3 boys. All my uncles and aunts are now married and between all of them and my mom they gave my grandma 20 nieces and nephews. My grandma says she is very happy and is glad to have us all.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in this story, with an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. The narrative generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Since my grandma loved her parents so much they made a hallway connecting both houses and she visited them everyday. Unfortunately, my great grand father passed away two years ago from a heart attack.”)

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ My Grandma has many stories to tell she has lived trough a lot of things but as I spoke to her the following is what she would want people to know about her. She was born March 25, 1947, she was the first born of the next twelve to come.”)

The ending states a lesson the writer learned after completing the story. (“ My grandma has lived through events all of us will live at some points. She has also lived through things some of us will never experience but she has lived a wonderful life in her eyes and mine.”)

Language Use & Style

The narrative exhibits adequate use of language and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used as well.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ My Grandma married my Grandpa at the age of 17 and had my mom her first child at the age of 18. My grandma then went on to have her next 5 children. She had her sixth child at the age of 30. So all together she had six children 3 girls and 3 boys. All my uncles and aunts are now married and between all of them and my mom they gave my grandma 20 nieces and nephews. My grandma says she is very happy and is glad to have us all.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “stories” and “events” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ My Grandma has many stories to tell she has lived trough a lot of things but as I spoke to her the following is what she would want people to know about her. …My grandma has lived through events all of us will live at some points.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the terms “well” and “bad” are seen in the narrative. (“ We've all heard at some point older people say the world is going to end as a child you wouldn't know any better, well thats what happened to my Grandma at the age of 8. …When she was younger she said she went with her dad to work because she felt bad no one went with him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Her parents lived in the other state for more than twenty years, there many of my grandmas' siblings were born. My grandma also told me that two of her sister sisters were pregnant at the same time she was pregnant with my mom. When my mom got married says my grandma her parents returned to their hometown where my grandma was living and bought a house right behind my grandmas'.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

My grandmother's name is G. L. A. She goes by G. She got her name from her Great Aunt. My name is L.M., and I interviewed my Grandmother because I don't know much about her life. This story is about her life and now.

G had a sister. Her sister's Name is S. Her Mother's name is R, her Father's name is J. I asked her when and where she was born, she said January 20, 1946, in Van Nuis , California . She rode her bike to school. She had the same classes I do. Her favorite class is English. She married R. M. on December 3, 1965, in Van Nuis , California . The sicknesses she had were measles and chicken pox. She had her tonsils taken out and had hernia surgeries at 6 months old and 1 1/2 years old.

Her grandparents were on a farm in Texas . They grew cotton. Her grandmother got married when she was 15 to an 18 year old! She remembers her grandmother was sick when G was small. The biggest invention was the computer she says. She thinks families are not as family oriented. She also thinks that families decay and there is far more divorce. Her grandmother is the oldest person she knows. G’s first job was with Household Finance. Most beautiful place she has been to is the Sistine Chapel. I learned a lot about my grandmother!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This narrative contains limited focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. In addition, description and details are provided that may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is limited. (“My grandmother's name is G. L. A. She goes by G. She got her name from her Great Aunt. My name is L. M., and I interviewed my Grandmother because I don't know much about her life. This story is about her life and now.”)

The supporting events in the beginning of the story are limitedly stated. (“G had a sister. Her sister's Name is S. Her Mother's name is R, her Father's name is J. I asked her when and where she was born, she said January 20, 1946, in Van Nuis , California . She rode her bike to school. She had the same classes I do. Her favorite class is English. She married R. M. on December 3, 1965, in Van Nuis , California . The sicknesses she had were measles and chicken pox. She had her tonsils taken out and had hernia surgeries at 6 months old and 1 1/2 years old.”)

The audience for the story is not always clear. (“Her grandparents were on a farm in Texas . They grew cotton. Her grandmother got married when she was 15 to an 18 year old! She remembers her grandmother was sick when G was small. The biggest invention was the computer she says. She thinks families are not as family oriented. She also thinks that families decay and there is far more divorce. Her grandmother is the oldest person she knows. G's first job was with Household Finance. Most beautiful place she has been to is the Sistine Chapel. I learned a lot about my grandmother!”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“G had a sister. Her sister's Name is S. Her Mother's name is R, her Father's name is J. I asked her when and where she was born, she said January 20, 1946, in Van Nuis , California . She rode her bike to school. She had the same classes I do. Her favorite class is English. She married R. M. on December 3, 1965, in Van Nuis , California . The sicknesses she had were measles and chicken pox. She had her tonsils taken out and had hernia surgeries at 6 months old and 1 1/2 years old.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are detected in this story. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than just a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated, but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“G had a sister. Her sister's Name is S. Her Mother's name is R, her Father's name is J. I asked her when and where she was born, she said January 20, 1946, in Van Nuis , California . She rode her bike to school. She had the same classes I do. Her favorite class is English. She married R. M. on December 3, 1965, in Van Nuis , California . The sicknesses she had were measles and chicken pox. She had her tonsils taken out and had hernia surgeries at 6 months old and 1 1/2 years old.”)

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“ Her grandparents were on a farm in Texas . They grew cotton.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“G had a sister. Her sister's Name is S. Her Mother's name is R, her Father's name is J. I asked her when and where she was born, she said January 20, 1946, in Van Nuis , California . She rode her bike to school. She had the same classes I do. Her favorite class is English. She married R.M. on December 3, 1965, in Van Nuis , California . The sicknesses she had were measles and chicken pox. She had her tonsils taken out and had hernia surgeries at 6 months old and 1 1/2 years old.”)

The plot is limited. (“Her grandparents were on a farm in Texas . They grew cotton. Her grandmother got married when she was 15 to an 18 year old! She remembers her grandmother was sick when G was small. The biggest invention was the computer she says. She thinks families are not as family oriented. She also thinks that families decay and there is far more divorce. Her grandmother is the oldest person she knows. G's first job was with Household Finance. Most beautiful place she has been to is the Sistine Chapel. I learned a lot about my grandmother!”)

Organization

There is evidence of limited organization in this narrative. Provided is an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story also may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, but readers are provided with some sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ My grandmother's name is G. L. A. She goes by G. She got her name from her Great Aunt. My name is L. M., and I interviewed my Grandmother because I don't know much about her life. This story is about her life and now.”)

Events are sometimes not clearly in order. (“ I asked her when and where she was born, she said January 20, 1946, in Van Nuis , California . She rode her bike to school. She had the same classes I do. Her favorite class is English. She married R. M. on December 3, 1965, in Van Nuis , California . The sicknesses she had were measles and chicken pox. She had her tonsils taken out and had hernia surgeries at 6 months old and 1 1/2 years old.”)

The story demonstrates a limited ending. (“ G's first job was with Household Finance. Most beautiful place she has been to is the Sistine Chapel. I learned a lot about my grandmother!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is limited. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ G had a sister. Her sister's Name is S. Her Mother's name is R, her Father's name is J.”)

The story uses the same word (“she”) to begin two consecutive sentences in the introductory paragraph. (“ She goes by G. She got her name from her Great Aunt.”)

Exact words are missing, such as the article “the” in the beginning of the following sentence: “ Most beautiful place she has been to is the Sistine Chapel.”

Transitions are needed. (“ Her grandparents were on a farm in Texas . They grew cotton. Her grandmother got married when she was 15 to an 18 year old! She remembers her grandmother was sick when G was small. The biggest invention was the computer she says. She thinks families are not as family oriented.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The narrative exhibits limited control over the use of mechanics and conventions in standard written English. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ She remembers her grandmother was sick when G was small. …Most beautiful place she has been to is the Sistine Chapel.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

My Interview about my mother,my mom's name is M. R. M. M. she was born in mexico.She is the greatest person in my life well both of my parents are but this is my mothers interview.Well she is very caring,intelligent,hard working,and very respectful you'll never meet someone like her.She loves mexican resturants well she is very understanding she is the kind of person that will give you great advice. My mother means the world to me ill do anything for her. I love my mom i spent most of the time with her i know very much about her.

My mom has two kids there both girls.One of them is i myself p and and the other one is my sister l me and my mom call her b i really dont know why though my sister can act very mean sometimes but sometimes she can be a very nice person but im talking only sometimes.My mother get mad at her all the time

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are expressed in this narrative. The story demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Furthermore, description and details are provided that may stray from the point of the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is only minimally stated. (“My Interview about my mother,my mom's name is M. R. M. M. she was born in mexico.She is the greatest person in my life well both of my parents are but this is my mothers interview.Well she is very caring,intelligent,hard working,and very respectful you'll never meet someone like her.She loves mexican resturants well she is very understanding she is the kind of person that will give you great advice. My mother means the world to me ill do anything for her. I love my mom i spent most of the time with her i know very much about her.”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“My Interview about my mother,my mom's name is M.R. M. M. she was born in mexico.She is the greatest person in my life well both of my parents are but this is my mothers interview.Well she is very caring,intelligent,hard working,and very respectful you'll never meet someone like her.She loves mexican resturants well she is very understanding she is the kind of person that will give you great advice. My mother means the world to me ill do anything for her. I love my mom i spent most of the time with her i know very much about her.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“My mom has two kids there both girls.One of them is i myself p and and the other one is my sister l me and my mom call her b i really dont know why though my sister can act very mean sometimes but sometimes she can be a very nice person but im talking only sometimes.My mother get mad at her all the time”)

Content & Development

Content and development in the story are minimal at best. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. There is a lack of tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“My mom has two kids there both girls.One of them is i myself p and and the other one is my sister l me and my mom call her b i really dont know why though my sister can act very mean sometimes but sometimes she can be a very nice person but im talking only sometimes.My mother get mad at her all the time”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“My Interview about my mother,my mom's name is M. R. M. M. she was born in mexico.She is the greatest person in my life well both of my parents are but this is my mothers interview.Well she is very caring,intelligent,hard working,and very respectful you'll never meet someone like her.She loves mexican resturants well she is very understanding she is the kind of person that will give you great advice. My mother means the world to me ill do anything for her. I love my mom i spent most of the time with her i know very much about her.”)

Minimal sensory detail is used to develop the characters. (“My Interview about my mother,my mom's name is M. R. M. M. she was born in mexico.She is the greatest person in my life well both of my parents are but this is my mothers interview.Well she is very caring,intelligent,hard working,and very respectful you'll never meet someone like her.She loves mexican resturants well she is very understanding she is the kind of person that will give you great advice. My mother means the world to me ill do anything for her. I love my mom i spent most of the time with her i know very much about her.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“My mom has two kids there both girls.One of them is i myself p and and the other one is my sister l me and my mom call her b i really dont know why though my sister can act very mean sometimes but sometimes she can be a very nice person but im talking only sometimes.My mother get mad at her all the time”)

Organization

This story is characterized by minimal organization. The writer provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Finally, little evidence of an ending is demonstrated.

The narrative does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ My Interview about my mother,my mom's name is M. R. M. M. she was born in mexico.She is the greatest person in my life well both of my parents are but this is my mothers interview.Well she is very caring,intelligent,hard working,and very respectful you'll never meet someone like her.She loves mexican resturants well she is very understanding she is the kind of person that will give you great advice. My mother means the world to me ill do anything for her. I love my mom i spent most of the time with her i know very much about her.”)

There is minimal demonstration of an ending in the story. (“ My mom has two kids there both girls.One of them is i myself p and and the other one is my sister l me and my mom call her b i really dont know why though my sister can act very mean sometimes but sometimes she can be a very nice person but im talking only sometimes.My mother get mad at her all the time”)

Language Use & Style

The narrative shows minimal use of language and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. B asic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ My mom has two kids there both girls.One of them is i myself p and and the other one is my sister l me and my mom call her b i really dont know why though my sister can act very mean sometimes but sometimes she can be a very nice person but im talking only sometimes.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ My mother get mad at her all the time”)

There is repetition, as the writer uses the word “well” repeatedly in the first paragraph. (“ She is the greatest person in my life well both of my parents are but this is my mothers interview.Well she is very caring,intelligent,hard working,and very respectful you'll never meet someone like her.She loves mexican resturants well she is very understanding she is the kind of person that will give you great advice.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“My mom has two kids there both girls.One of them is i myself p and and the other one is my sister l me and my mom call her b i really dont know why though my sister can act very mean sometimes but sometimes she can be a very nice person but im talking only sometimes.My mother get mad at her all the time”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning, as demonstrated within this narrative, are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Very little detail is provided, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are not stated. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

Content & Development

The narrative provides inadequate content and development. It l acks an identifiable plot and setting, and characters are introduced but not developed. A lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

Inadequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

Characters are not developed in detail. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

Organization

This story is inadequately organized. It may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The narrative also lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

Events are not clearly in order. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

The narrative demonstrates no clear ending. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this narrative is inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ He liked the music”)

Exact words are missing, such as “to,” “away,” and “we.” (“ His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions in standard written English is evident. Severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I went to interview my uncle because his my favorite uncle and his always been there for me.His like a second father ,he takes me every were he goes he even bought me a bike to ride it to school so I don't have walk to school. in summer vacation he took me to a kind of fair it was fun becaues there giving lot of stuff ther an after were tired of walking around we went go listen to music.He liked the music”)

Overcoming a Challenge in Math

Write a story about a time when you had trouble learning a new mathematical concept and how you were able to eventually learn that new concept.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Math has always been one of my best subjects, actually my best! I'm pretty good with numbers and symbols, and enjoy learning about mathematics. However, I am not perfect, and nobody is. Sometimes I even have problems with it. When I was in the second grade, I was already ahead of my class by a whole level in math! However, my dad wanted the best for me, and decided that I should learn multiplication. At that time, I was tired of math, and almost felt like I abhorred the complicated subject. Luckily, my dad understood and let me off the hook of memorizing my time tables.

When summer came along, I felt disappointed once again. My dad stated with serious black eyes, "Amy, I wasn't so hard on you before, but now too bad. I've waited three months for this time, so you are going to memorize your time tables!" Acting like how any other second grader would, I ran to my mommy. Sadly, my mom gave me the same lecture, except in different words. Then, I went and consulted my older sister, Sadie. Since she is 3 years older than me, she already memorized her multiplication. My sibling, trying to comfort me, commented, "Don't worry about it Joyce. It's not that difficult. Plus, you have one whole summer to memorize them, and I only had 2 weeks! You have life so easy. If I was able to do it, you can too!" Understanding and agreeing, I went to my father to receive my paper of multiplication.

When I looked at the paper and read off all the numbers and symbols, I didn't understand one bit. I was extremely confused, and didn't even feel like trying. I re-read the first line: 1 X 1 = 1, then the second: 1 X 2 = 2. My dad stated, "Joyce, any number multiplied by 1 is that number, understood?" I nodded even though I still had one question mark left in my head. How is it possible that 1 X 1 = 1, when 1 + 1 = 2? I ignored my question and followed my dad's rule. Then I looked at the 2's. It said, "2 X 3 = 6, and 2 X 4 = 8." My dad followed along with his lecture, "Any number multiplied by 2 is just adding the number twice. For example, with 4, 2 X 4 is the same thing as 4 + 4. If the problem is 2 X 12, it is 12 + 12." I completely understood. I realized that multiplication was very simple, and learned simple rules to all of the numbers.

I finished, knowing my multiplication up to 12 by one week, however I was as slow as a snail! At the start of a new week, my dad tested me on how fast I could go. With 0, 1, and 2's, I could answer orally without even thinking. Yet, when it came to 4's, 5's, 6's, etc., I needed paper. It took me about 1-2 minutes for each problem, and sometimes I was wrong! I was very disappointed in myself, and so was my family. I felt like I was a disgrace. After that day's lesson, all my dad could say was, "Joyce, you must memorize these now! No television, Barbie dolls, computer, friends, or even fun until you memorize these! If I catch you not focusing once besides during your meals and snacks, you are grounded. Am I understood?" I dashed out of the room and ran to my dolls. My salty droplets smudged off the make up I had put on Gracie earlier that day. I was frustrated with my dad for punishing me for not doing well, and even more at myself for not succeeding. What made the situation even worse was that when I went to my fun Grandma and Grandpa's house with my sister and my favorite cousins, I couldn't even play! I was dispirited and grouchy, and couldn't even focus because I was so jealous of my family having fun. I can remember that I was just dying to watch television, and play house.

When it came to lunch, luckily, my Grandma forced me to watch television. I felt relieved, and my brain could finally relax with a warm homemade meal. YUM! Even though I wished lunch time could last forever, it only lasted one hour. Then, I had to go back to memorizing. When my Grandma tested me 30 minutes later, I was quicker for sure, but messed up a few times. My dad would not be proud, and neither was I. After my closest cousin, Nancy, felt too miserable to play any longer, she came to help me out. Even though she was a year older than me, she didn't have her multiplication memorized either. It did boost up my confidence level, yet I still couldn't play. Nancy called over for Sadie to help me. She quizzed me over and over again. Even though I wasn't aloud to, I still had a few giggles.

By the time my dad came to his parent's house, he was astonished at my improvement. I had memorized up to the 10's! I only had 24 simple problems left to go! Being so proud of advancement, he allowed me to watch television. Once again, I felt so relieved that my brain could finally rest.

In the end, I memorized all of my time tables. When my dad asked me 6 X 7 or any other problems that simple, I was able to reply within 5 seconds! Overcoming this challenge in math was very difficult. Yet, with practice and confidence, I was able to achieve my goal!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt, which asks the writer to describe how they overcame a challenge in math. The writer describes the process of “memorizing my time tables,” from learning the easy 0s and 1s, to increasing her speed “to reply within 5 seconds!” Readers relive the writer’s experience as she works to improve. (“Even though I wished lunch time could last forever, it only lasted one hour. Then, I had to go back to memorizing. When my Grandma tested me 30 minutes later, I was quicker for sure, but messed up a few times.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. As the story develops, the writer changes the setting to her “fun Grandma and Grandpa’s house,” includes her “favorite cousins,” and describes in detail how they work diligently to memorize the times tables.

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. The writer uses words and phrases that are very descriptive: “slow as a snail!,” “(m)y salty droplets,” and “warm homemade meal.”

Content & Development

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. Readers can almost hear the father telling her that she must learn the multiplication tables and then setting the rules for the summer: “‘Joyce, you must memorize these now! No television, Barbie dolls, computer, friends, or even fun until you memorize these! If I catch you not focusing once besides during your meals and snacks, you are grounded.’” The writer then describes learning the multiplication tables with her “fun Grandma” and “favorite cousins,” as they “quizzed me over and over again.”

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed very effectively. The writer sets the tone for her experience with her father’s opening instructions: “‘Amy, I wasn't so hard on you before, but now too bad. I've waited three months for this time, so you are going to memorize your time tables!’” Her sister is encouraging, but she is obviously going to make her work to memorize the times tables: “‘Don't worry about it Joyce. It's not that difficult. Plus, you have one whole summer to memorize them, and I only had 2 weeks! You have life so easy. If I was able to do it, you can too!’”

The outcome/resolution is very effectively described. Readers are happy to hear from the writer that, “In the end, I memorized all of my time tables. When my dad asked me 6 X 7 or any other problems that simple, I was able to reply within 5 seconds!”

Organization

Events are clearly in order. The story progresses from the writer’s father’s announcement that she will learn the times tables, through her summer quizzing by family, to her eventual mastery of the times tables. The details of individual scenes are also sequential and easy to follow, as in the day at her Grandma’s, when she was not able to play, had a “warm, homemade meal,” and then got back to memorizing.

The ending, although short, very effectively includes details about the resolution and character’s feelings. Readers feel the writer’s pride in overcoming the math challenge. (“In the end, I memorized all of my time tables. When my dad asked me 6 X 7 or any other problems that simple, I was able to reply within 5 seconds! Overcoming this challenge in math was very difficult. Yet, with practice and confidence, I was able to achieve my goal!”)

Language Use & Style

The story has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. It uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer’s use of interesting sensory words adds to the voice and tone of the essay. Sentences are varied with effective use of phrases and clauses. (“What made the situation even worse….” “When summer came along,….”)

Words like “abhorred,” “disgrace,” “miserable,” “grouchy,” and “dispirited” add to the effectiveness of the writing.

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has a very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. Each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation. (“My sibling, trying to comfort me, commented, ‘Don't worry about it Joyce.’” “Yet, with practice and confidence, I was able to achieve my goal!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Overcoming a Challenge In Math

In fifth grade, I had a hard time learning about subtracting negative numbers. I just didn't get it at first. Usually, when I don't get things the first time I try them, I give up on them. That happens a lot and I try not to do it anymore, but when I was in fifth grade, everything came easy to me. Anything that was hard I wasn't going to deal with so I just let the hard things go.

I remember it was a cold, winter day in December, about a week before Christmas vacation. I was getting out my math book and my teacher, Mrs. Smith told our class that we were going to be learning about adding and subtracting negative numbers. I thought, "This will be easy, as usual. It'll be just like adding and subtracting positive numbers with a negative sign in front." I was wrong.

I can still see the classroom, with all the girls at the other desks whispering about me, and Mrs. Smith thinking about how she could get me to understand subtracting negative numbers. There was a huge white board in the front, desks in the middle of the classroom, and the teacher's desk in the back. That was where the teacher was sitting. In the back left corner there was a tan rug. We sat there every morning and talked about that morning's news.

It was weird. I learned how to add negative and positive numbers very easily, but I just couldn't get the subtracting part to stick. Adding was just like debt. If you added a negative and a negative, you got deeper in debt. If you added a negative and a positive, you were closer to being or out of debt. Mrs. Smith explained it once to the whole class, and then another time to the people who didn't understand it the first time she explained it. I was one of them, but I still couldn't understand it. After her second time explaining it, she sat at her desk and tried to think of something that would help me understand it. About five minutes later, she had an idea.

Mrs. Smith said she was going to try out an idea she had, and she needed a volunteer. I raised my hand and she picked me. She pulled out a roll of duct tape from her desk and put a strip of about 4 feet on the floor. She marks the numbers negative ten to positive ten. She said to subtract five from zero, and I did. I went to negative five and got it correct! I figured out that if you used the number line in your head you could do it any time. She started saying harder and harder ones, and I got most of them right. The ones I got wrong, I learned what I did wrong. Some of the other kids who didn't get it tried and instantly understood. Still, to this day I use that method when I can't figure out a problem. It still works too!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is clear. The writer is a fifth grader having difficulties with subtracting negative numbers. (“In fifth grade, I had a hard time learning about subtracting negative numbers. I just didn't get it at first.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed well. The writer establishes the setting: “cold, winter day in December, about a week before Christmas vacation…,” “all the girls at the other desks whispering about me….,” “She pulled out a roll of duct tape from her desk and put a strip of about 4 feet on the floor.”

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. The writer uses words and phrases like “cold, winter day in December,” “desks in the middle of the classroom,” and “she sat at her desk,” which help readers picture what was happening in the classroom for that lesson.

Content & Development

The setting is effectively developed with details. The writer describes the classroom and the atmosphere. (“There was a huge white board in the front, desks in the middle of the classroom, and the teacher's desk in the back.” “…all the girls at the other desks whispering about me,….” “She pulled out a roll of duct tape from her desk and put a strip of about 4 feet on the floor. She marks the numbers negative ten to positive ten.”)

There is effective information about what happened during the event. The writer succeeds in showing frustration (“but I still couldn't understand it”), the teacher’s determination (“….she sat at her desk and tried to think of something that would help me understand it”), and the joy of overcoming the challenge in the end (“Still, to this day I use that method when I can't figure out a problem. It still works too!”).

Organization

The story has good organization. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides readers with a sense of completeness.

Events are clearly in order. The writer takes us through the lesson from his/her initial confusion (“ I learned how to add negative and positive numbers very easily, but I just couldn't get the subtracting part to stick.”) , to the teacher’s efforts to explain the concept two different ways (using debt, and then “ After her second time explaining it”), ending with the teacher’s successful use of the number line to teach subtraction of negative numbers (“She pulled out a roll of duct tape from her desk and put a strip of about 4 feet on the floor. She marks the numbers negative ten to positive ten.”).

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and character’s feelings. The writer describes the number line, his/her understanding of the concept using the number line, the teacher’s increasing the challenge, and the inclusion of the rest of the class in the successful learning. Readers can feel the writer’s relief and happiness in the words, “ Still, to this day I use that method when I can't figure out a problem. It still works too!”

Language Use & Style

The story has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience and uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. The writer tells the story in the first person throughout, mixing short, declarative sentences with compound sentences for emphasis. (“ I was wrong.” “ It still works too!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. There is occasional lack of punctuation and mixing of verb tense. (“ Anything that was hard I wasn't going to deal with so I just let the hard things go.” “She pulled out a roll of duct tape…. She marks the numbers….”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Overcoming a Challenge in Math

A few years ago I had trouble understanding fractions in Mr. Herbert’s class for a test. When he was teaching us how to do them, I had a hard time how figure out on how to do it. Therefore, I went to his class after school and asked him to give me the lesson again. Even though I received the fraction lesson again,I still didn't get it. I get a little bit frustrated and it was getting late. Later that night, I went to my computer to practice some fraction problems. Fortunately, my mom and dad has some knowledge on math, but some problems were hard to do. However, we still were trying until midnight. At least I understand a little bit more.

The next day,I went back to school and we moved on with the other lesson. But, I got that lesson and not the other one. I was really confused how I couldn't understand the before lesson. I just said to my mind just keep practicing. So after school, I ran home as fast as I could to practicing my fraction problems. Thanks to my parents who helped me every day to understand those problems. I know now that the key is practice, practice and more practice.

Another day at school and my teacher let us to practice fractions in the computer. It was fun because it was a mathematic game. It had to do with all the things we had learned. I was the 2nd one up to solve those problems fast without any problems. I got really excited to tell my parents my good score. My 4th grade teacher congratulated to me for such accomplishment.

But, the true moment came. I remember it was Friday. Everybody got to their desks. Our teacher was serious. Something that I can described him about is that he hardly ever smiled, but he was a great teacher. Well, he gave us the test . Even though I felt confident about what I know, I was afraid. But when I received the test and I read the first problem, I felt secure that I can do that test. For my surprise,moments later ,My teacher gave me my score. I got 100% .I was really happy and when I got home I told my parents. They were very proud of me. To celebrate we went to party at iceberg.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer tells of his/her problems understanding in the classroom, at home, and then again in the classroom. He/she finishes the story by detailing the anxiety before taking the big test and his/her understanding the concept well enough to score 100% on the test.

Details about characters are adequate. The writer tells us that his/her parents have “some knowledge on math,” so readers understand when the writer says, “we still were trying until midnight.” He/she says that his/her teacher “hardly ever smiled, but he was a great teacher,” which explains some of the writer’s anxiety about the test.

Content & Development

The story has adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The story creates believable characters. It establishes a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

There is adequate information about what happened during the event. Readers understand the writer’s difficulties with understanding fractions (“When he was teaching us how to do them, I had a hard time how figure out on how to do it.”) and his/her frustration when he/she understood the next lesson (“But, I got that lesson and not the other one.”). The writer then tells of practicing fractions at home and then again at school. (“So after school, I ran home as fast as I could to practicing my fraction problems.” “Another day at school and my teacher let us to practice fractions in the computer.”) The story is wrapped up with the events of the big test day. (“But, the true moment came.”)

Organization

The story has adequate organization. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer uses “ The next day,” “So after school,” “Another day at school,” “But, the true moment came,” as transitions between events. These transitions aid the readers in following the story line, despite the writer’s apparently skipping days between story events.

The events of the story are in sequence from the writer’s initial problem with fractions to his/her fine performance on the test. The ending includes details about the resolution and character’s feelings. (“ I got 100% .I was really happy and when I got home I told my parents.”)

Language Use & Style

The story has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The writer tends to use the word “I” instead of varying sentence structure. (“Even though I felt confident about what I know, I was afraid.” “I was really confused how I couldn't understand the before lesson.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer occasionally changes verb tense, which causes some confusion or distraction. (“But when I received the test and I read the first problem, I felt secure that I can do that test.” “I get a little bit frustrated and it was getting late.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Hard Math

Math is my favorite subject except when I don't understand the concept. One concept I couldn't understand was box and whisker plots. It wasn't actually very hard. It was more confusing then any thing else but still it made the day miserable. The thing that I couldn't get was the upper and lower quartile, so finally I had to get help. Math is confusing but it can be scintillating to it can also make a lot of people vehement and denounce you it badly. It can also make many adversary's against math.

At first i tried to get help from my friends but they couldn't help me out so then I asked my teacher for help and he sure did help me. We started off by looking back at the pages we read at first but that didn't help. But then my teacher Mr. P did some examples on the board for me and my friends.

I finally figured out that to get the quartiles you need to order the data from least to greatest. After you do that you need to find the median (the middle) of the set. When your done with that you need to find the median the top and bottom set of numbers, and when you do that you get the quartiles.

I used many different tools to help me with this problem. I used a pencil, paper, white board, marker, math book, and a ruler. Most of the tools I used I got from my tool bag, from my teacher or from a friend.

I hope that you have enjoyed my totally mind-boggling severally equilibrium paper. It was a hard and confusing assignment, but when you have tools and teachers to help you out its really easy to do it. I am also thank fully for the help God gave me to finish the assignment.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

The events in the story are not always consistent with the prompt. The writer discusses the tools that he/she used to help solve his/her problem, which is only tangentially related to the prompt. (“I used many different tools to help me with this problem. I used a pencil, paper, white board, marker, math book, and a ruler. Most of the tools I used I got from my tool bag, from my teacher or from a friend.”) He attempts to tie the paragraph in to the essay in the last paragraph when mentioning both tools and teachers helping him. (…“ but when you have tools and teachers to help you out its really easy to do it.”) However, the paragraph on the tools the writer used detracts from the overall effectiveness of the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is limited. The writer should be relating a time he/she had to overcome a challenge in math, which is hinted at but then is obscured by the last sentences in the introductory paragraph. (“One concept I couldn't understand was box and whisker plots. . . . Math is confusing but it can be scintillating to it can also make a lot of people vehement and denounce you it badly. It can also make many adversary's against math.”)

Content & Development

The story has limited content and development. A dequately developed plot, setting, and characters are provided, but the essay lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or problem may be stated but not developed.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. The writer devotes two of five paragraphs to the description of the math challenge. One of those paragraphs discusses the writer’s request for assistance from friends and eventual intervention by the teacher. The second paragraph is an explanation of how to determine quartiles, which does not add to the readers’ understanding of how the writer overcame the math challenge.

The plot is limited due to the lack of supporting details. There is limited development about what happened before and during the event. The writer relates his handling of the math challenge in three sentences. (“At first i tried to get help from my friends but they couldn't help me out so then I asked my teacher for help and he sure did help me. We started off by looking back at the pages we read at first but that didn't help. But then my teacher Mr. P did some examples on the board for me and my friends.”)

Organization

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. There is very little information besides the fact that the writer found box and whisker plots difficult to do because of quartiles. (“ One concept I couldn't understand was box and whisker plots. It wasn't actually very hard. It was more confusing then any thing else but still it made the day miserable. The thing that I couldn't get was the upper and lower quartile, so finally I had to get help.”)

The ending demonstrates a limited attempt to teach the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the story. Readers are confused as to whether the math assignment or the writing assignment was difficult. (“ I hope that you have enjoyed my totally mind-boggling severally equilibrium paper. It was a hard and confusing assignment, but when you have tools and teachers to help you out its really easy to do it.”)

Language Use & Style

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate my purpose to the intended audience. The writer’s poor word choice compounds the ineffective communication. (“… it can also make a lot of people vehement and denounce you it badly.” “… totally mind-boggling severally equilibrium paper.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The following are examples of distracting errors in mechanics and conventions. (“Math is confusing but it can be scintillating to it can also make a lot of people vehement and denounce you it badly.” “I hope that you have enjoyed my totally mind-boggling severally equilibrium paper.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

One time I had trouble understanding a mathmatical concept was last year in sixth grade when my techer was teaching us how to multiply fractions.I had been absent the first day we started working on it, so I had no idea as to what I was suposed to do.

All I knew was that there were two fractions and one was bigger than the other and I had to divide them somehow.

The way I fixed this problom was I stayed after with my math teacher and she excplaned it to me. But after that I still did not understand what I was supossed to do. So my teacher showed me a different way.

The method she showed me was very simple. All I had to do was flip the second fraction over and then multiply the two fractions instead of dividing them. I am a very visual learner, so the method she showed me makes sense, and seeing that I wasn't that good at divsion to begin with it made it a whole lot easier

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. After reading this short essay, it is only vaguely understood that the writer is discussing overcoming a math challenge. In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated only minimally. The writer launches immediately into the telling of the story. (“One time I had trouble understanding a mathmatical concept was last year in sixth grade when my techer was teaching us how to multiply fractions.I had been absent the first day we started working on it, so I had no idea as to what I was suposed to do.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. At the end of the essay, readers still know very little about the student or the teacher’s explanation. (“I am a very visual learner, so the method she showed me makes sense, and seeing that I wasn't that good at divsion to begin with it made it a whole lot easier.”)

Content & Development

The story has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are only described rather than developed. It lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. No dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story, which causes the plot to be minimally developed. Few details are given to readers, who know only that the student requested help from the teacher, who showed the writer two different ways to divide fractions before the concept was understood. Did the teacher present both methods in the same after school session? Did the writer try the first method at home before realizing that it did not make sense? Readers are left with many questions.

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is not developed. Readers know at the end of the story that the writer is relieved that the teacher’s second method does not require division, but readers do not participate in the thought process and feelings of the writer.

Organization

The story has minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. It demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion.

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. Readers have no concept of time between events due to the lack of transitions.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer does not use a question, an interesting statement, or background information about the event to involve readers in the story.

Language Use & Style

The story has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. “ All I knew was that there were two fractions and one was bigger than the other and I had to divide them somehow. ”

Transitions are needed to give the readers a sense of time and the extent of the challenge. “ The way I fixed this problom was I stayed after with my math teacher and she excplaned it to me. But after that I still did not understand what I was supossed to do. So my teacher showed me a different way.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

This is a story about a 12 year old girl that loved math very much. But one day she didn't understand the lesson about turning decimals into fractions. This is her story...

One day she was in math an she didn't understand what they were doing. Which was putting a fraction into a decimal. She was in class sitting trying to figure out why all of the years the teachers had been teaching her to put the denominator in side the box but now they are telling her to put the numerator in the box.

I figured out that when you put the denomarator in the box that you get a whole number usually. When you put the numarator in the box you get a decimal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. Readers know that the writer “didn’t understand the lesson about turning decimals into fractions,” but there is no hint that the writer will overcome the challenge.

Content & Development

The story has inadequate or no content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

Setting and characters are not developed in detail. There are inadequate sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). The writer is in the classroom in one paragraph, and then suddenly “figured out” how to handle changing fractions into decimals. Was this also in the classroom? Did the writer work many hours at home practicing the concept before understanding it?

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). The writer does not share the feelings of the “12 year old girl” either in speaking out loud or thinking to herself.

Organization

The story has inadequate organization. Although the writer attempts to be creative in the introductory paragraph, the beginning does not include background information about the event. Readers can assume that the “story” is about the girl’s encounter with converting fractions to decimals, but that is unclear.

The beginning and the ending are not connected because the writer begins the essay by telling the story of a 12-year-old girl, and in the conclusion, the writer is clearly speaking in the first person. There is no transition between the two perspectives in the essay.

Language Use & Style

The story has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. “ She was in class sitting trying to figure out why all of the years the teachers had been teaching her to put the denominator in side the box but now they are telling her to put the numerator in the box.”

Transitions are needed. The writer jumps from sitting in class being confused about which number goes into the box, to figuring out on her own what results when the numerator and denominator are put into the box.

Mechanics & Conventions

The story has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has e rrors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“One day she was in math an she didn't understand what they were doing.” “I figured out that when you put the denomarator in the box that you get a whole number usually.”)

The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb. (“ Which was putting a fraction into a decimal.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Remembering Childhood

"All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs. Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, 'Oh, why can't you remain like this forever!' This was all that passed between them on the subject, but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up. You always know after you are two. Two is the beginning of the end... Wendy . . . asked Peter how old he was. It was not really a happy question to ask him . . . 'I don't know,' he replied uneasily, 'but I am quite young.' He really knew nothing about it; he had merely suspicions, but he said at a venture, 'Wendy, I ran away the day I was born. 'It was because I heard father and mother,' he explained in a low voice, 'talking about what I was to be when I became a man.' He was extraordinarily agitated now. 'I don't want ever to be a man,' he said with passion. 'I want always to be a little boy and to have fun. So I ran away to Kensington Gardens and lived a long, long time among the fairies.'" — From Peter Pan , by J. M. Barrie

After reading the excerpt above from Peter Pan , think about an episode you remember from your childhood. Write a personal narrative about the episode from your childhood using a narrator and/or characters, retelling it in a natural and logical sequence.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My bedroom used to be a mess with piles of clothes, books, and my sisters' things always finding their way there. School things like homework and my backpack would be scattered on my unmade bed, my closet kept tightly shut so there wouldn't be an avalanche. Books spread here and there in whichever order, open or closed, made my room look like an abandoned library, with other items to the sides. There was a not-so-well- kept bookshelf with most of its books missing, either scattered or borrowed. Other things were sitting on shelves, like small boxes filled with small pieces of junk. But now, it’s empty.

Earlier in life, I recall I was sitting in my bedroom, knees to my face. I tried to force back tears that kept coming, like a tsunami of sadness. We were moving, you see. It wasn't the first time that we were moving, but it was the first time that we really cared about it. It was like leaving your body and entering a brand new form, and frankly, I love my body. Everyone says that where your heart is where your home is, and your heart is supposed to be with your family, but my heart isn't with my family. My heart is with our home.

Before, my family and I had lived in West Virginia. West Virginia is a beautiful state with ivory green hills that compliment the red hair that blossomed there. It's a very interesting state with people in the middle of the road selling pens. My mom had grown up there, as had her parents. Plus, no matter how crazy it may sound, we're pretty much related to half of the whole state going back from both of my grandparents' sides of the family.

In West Virginia, I had gone to a wonderful elementary school. The teachers there were especially nice, and the students were plenty intelligent. The best part of the whole school was the physical education teacher. Everyone called her coach, and no one was really sure what her real name was. She was fun and very talkative, and she'd been through a lot. Her husband had died, and she suddenly found herself being a single mother. She always tried to make everyone feel better, and was great to have around when you needed to hear a joke. If you didn't like her, you were considered a fool.

My best friend at that school was Meagan. She had dirty blond hair, even though she claimed that it was golden blond. She was one of the smartest people I ever knew, and she played the saxophone to boot! She wasn't very athletic because she had bad asthma, but she did gymnastics, and she was exemplary at that. I was never jealous of her, and she was never jealous of me because we both knew that we had equally outstanding talents. My skills were writing and music, while her skills were gymnastics and schoolwork. She was one of the best parts of West Virginia.

Meanwhile, my dad had hated his job in West Virginia. He had been looking for different jobs ever since we had moved there. After a while, a business in Utah called him and he went out there for an interview. He was offered the job and secured it immediately; he was elated! In response to these developments, Mom went out there with him to choose a house for us to live in. Our new house had mirrors on one wall that you could see when you first walked in and there were three stories to it, if you included the basement. It had four rooms on the top floor, plus a master bedroom. The middle floor had a living and sitting room, plus a kitchen and dining room. There was also a narrow hallway that led to the garage door, laundry room, bathroom, closet, and stairway to the basement. The basement had a room, storage room, bathroom, and an unfinished room that my parents planned finish.

So fast forward to the moment I found myself sitting in my empty bedroom that looked like it had when I first moved into it so long ago, humming to "Country Roads", a West Virginia favorite. Mom called up to me saying that we were ready to go. I told Mom to wait as I stood up and grabbed my navy blue suitcase. I looked at my room before exiting through the door. Three years ago, this room was new to me. Three years later, it's old, but home. A tear fell from my eye. I turned away, ashamed of my sobbing, and said good-bye.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. There is a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases childhood memories of leaving the house he/she always considered to be home.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer describes a life-changing memory from childhood that significantly affected his/her feelings about heart and home. (“Earlier in life, I recall I was sitting in my bedroom, knees to my face. I tried to force back tears that kept coming, like a tsunami of sadness. We were moving, you see. It wasn't the first time that we were moving, but it was the first time that we really cared about it. It was like leaving your body and entering a brand new form, and frankly, I love my body. Everyone says that where your heart is where your home is, and your heart is supposed to be with your family, but my heart isn't with my family. My heart is with our home.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and subsequent experiences of having to move from the family home. (“My bedroom used to be a mess with piles of clothes, books, and my sisters' things always finding their way there. School things like homework and my backpack would be scattered on my unmade bed, my closet kept tightly shut so there wouldn't be an avalanche. Books spread here and there in whichever order, open or closed, made my room look like an abandoned library, with other items to the sides. There was a not-so-well- kept bookshelf with most of its books missing, either scattered or borrowed. Other things were sitting on shelves, like small boxes filled with small pieces of junk. But now, it’s empty.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate his/her childhood memory of moving away from a beloved home. (“So fast forward to the moment I found myself sitting in my empty bedroom that looked like it had when I first moved into it so long ago, humming to ‘Country Roads’, a West Virginia favorite. Mom called up to me saying that we were ready to go. I told Mom to wait as I stood up and grabbed my navy blue suitcase. I looked at my room before exiting through the door. Three years ago, this room was new to me. Three years later, it's old, but home. A tear fell from my eye. I turned away, ashamed of my sobbing, and said good-bye.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The story presents a detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the moment he/she has to say goodbye to an old childhood home, and these experiences are poignantly portrayed throughout the narrative. The writer manages to heighten the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes friends and teachers from a beloved school that he/she attended in West Virginia. (“In West Virginia, I had gone to a wonderful elementary school. The teachers there were especially nice, and the students were plenty intelligent. The best part of the whole school was the physical education teacher. Everyone called her coach, and no one was really sure what her real name was. She was fun and very talkative, and she'd been through a lot. Her husband had died, and she suddenly found herself being a single mother. She always tried to make everyone feel better, and was great to have around when you needed to hear a joke. If you didn't like her, you were considered a fool.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the writer had to move away. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer reminiscing about the life he/she had in West Virginia. (“My best friend at that school was Meagan. She had dirty blond hair, even though she claimed that it was golden blond. She was one of the smartest people I ever knew, and she played the saxophone to boot! She wasn't very athletic because she had bad asthma, but she did gymnastics, and she was exemplary at that. I was never jealous of her, and she was never jealous of me because we both knew that we had equally outstanding talents. My skills were writing and music, while her skills were gymnastics and schoolwork. She was one of the best parts of West Virginia.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the reasons why the family had to move away. (“Meanwhile, my dad had hated his job in West Virginia. He had been looking for different jobs ever since we had moved there. After a while, a business in Utah called him and he went out there for an interview. He was offered the job and secured it immediately; he was elated! In response to these developments, Mom went out there with him to choose a house for us to live in.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the reader’s attention by providing a descriptive opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a child longing for the days of childhood, prior to having to move away. (“My bedroom used to be a mess with piles of clothes, books, and my sisters' things always finding their way there. School things like homework and my backpack would be scattered on my unmade bed, my closet kept tightly shut so there wouldn't be an avalanche. Books spread here and there in whichever order, open or closed, made my room look like an abandoned library, with other items to the sides. There was a not-so-well- kept bookshelf with most of its books missing, either scattered or borrowed. Other things were sitting on shelves, like small boxes filled with small pieces of junk. But now, it’s empty.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Before, my family and I had lived in West Virginia. West Virginia is a beautiful state with ivory green hills that compliment the red hair that blossomed there. It's a very interesting state with people in the middle of the road selling pens. My mom had grown up there, as had her parents. Plus, no matter how crazy it may sound, we're pretty much related to half of the whole state going back from both of my grandparents' sides of the family.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the writer’s painful goodbye to memories of his/her childhood home. (“So fast forward to the moment I found myself sitting in my empty bedroom that looked like it had when I first moved into it so long ago, humming to ‘Country Roads’, a West Virginia favorite. Mom called up to me saying that we were ready to go. I told Mom to wait as I stood up and grabbed my navy blue suitcase. I looked at my room before exiting through the door. Three years ago, this room was new to me. Three years later, it's old, but home. A tear fell from my eye. I turned away, ashamed of my sobbing, and said good-bye.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively describe a bedroom that was once filled with all the memories of a childhood gone by. (“ My bedroom used to be a mess with piles of clothes, books, and my sisters' things always finding their way there. School things like homework and my backpack would be scattered on my unmade bed, my closet kept tightly shut so there wouldn't be an avalanche. Books spread here and there in whichever order, open or closed, made my room look like an abandoned library, with other items to the sides. There was a not-so-well- kept bookshelf with most of its books missing, either scattered or borrowed. Other things were sitting on shelves, like small boxes filled with small pieces of junk. But now, it’s empty.”)

The writer’s use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling theme of the story. (“ Meanwhile, my dad had hated his job in West Virginia. He had been looking for different jobs ever since we had moved there. After a while, a business in Utah called him and he went out there for an interview. He was offered the job and secured it immediately; he was elated! In response to these developments, Mom went out there with him to choose a house for us to live in.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s sadness as he/she leaves home for the very last time. (“ Mom called up to me saying that we were ready to go. I told Mom to wait as I stood up and grabbed my navy blue suitcase. I looked at my room before exiting through the door. Three years ago, this room was new to me. Three years later, it's old, but home. A tear fell from my eye. I turned away, ashamed of my sobbing, and said good-bye.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Earlier in life, I recall I was sitting in my bedroom, knees to my face. I tried to force back tears that kept coming, like a tsunami of sadness. We were moving, you see. It wasn't the first time that we were moving, but it was the first time that we really cared about it.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Every year my family goes to Cape Cod, Massachusetts for summer vacation. I am extremely lucky because we stay for two weeks and we rent a beach house. One day during our vacation, my sister, my mom, my dad, I took a fun day trip into Boston to see a Red Sox versus Yankees baseball game. The Red Sox and Yankees are the ultimate rivals, and worst of all, we were Yankees fans. How were we going to survive?

My sister and I were babbling the entire car ride about how awesome this day was going to be. We were going on and on about how great our seats were and how we were incredibly lucky we were to be getting a foam finger! We grabbed our twelve dollar hot dogs and headed for our seats. My eyes widened, and I'm pretty sure my sister's did too, at how large the field was. We were right at first base in the fifth row! But then I got anxious about what all the Red Sox fans would do to us wimpy Yankees fans. I looked around and they all seemed pretty considerate though. It would be an awesome afternoon.

The game was in full swing and the crowd loved it, especially us! It was tied at zero with our team up to bat. When the announcer called the best player, there was a big thundering of "BOO's". My dad seemed pretty irritated, but I just chuckled as the baseball player gave a little wave. Strike one! Strike two! Whoa! The ball was out of the park. The pathetic amount of Yankees fans jumped up and cheered. It was a sight to see how overly excited the fan who caught the ball was. He stood up on his chair and chanted, "I got the ball! I got the home run ball!" This time it was my dad's turn to laugh. Then I noticed all the Red Sox fans giving us awful glares. "We're surrounded!" shrieked my sister.

After that, my dad and a mega Red Sox fan got into a nasty fight. They made fun of each other and argued about baseball. It was actually more fun to watch than the game itself. It did not end well at all. The fan mentioned something about being in the wrong stadium and that set my dad off. He started screaming and then he threw his half eaten sandwich at him. After that, my dad sat back down like nothing had happened. I didn't know whether to laugh, scold my dad, or hide in embarrassment. You'll never guess what happened next. The guy took the sandwich and started to eat it. He said, "Thanks" and moved a few seats down. My family and I were astonished. I then started laughing out loud and my sister joined in with me. The guy just stared at us and licked his lips. When it was time for an ice cream break, the sandwich stealer leaned over and gave my dad five dollars for the sandwich. I was starting to get freaked out because he was crazy!

The game ended tremendously with a Yankees victory of 6-1. No more sandwiches had been thrown, so that's good. As we left, the security approached us and I thought we had been caught, but he just wanted to know if we had fun. It was an awesome day in Boston and I'd love to see a baseball game again. If we do go, I'll make sure my dad doesn't eat a sandwich!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. He/she demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Additionally, all descriptions and details provided are relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the main character’s experiences rooting for his/her baseball team in the other team’s stadium. (“One day during our vacation, my sister, my mom, my dad, I took a fun day trip into Boston to see a Red Sox versus Yankees baseball game. The Red Sox and Yankees are the ultimate rivals, and worst of all, we were Yankees fans. How were we going to survive?”)

All the parts of the story relate to the main event. (“The game was in full swing and the crowd loved it, especially us! It was tied at zero with our team up to bat. When the announcer called the best player, there was a big thundering of ‘BOO's’. My dad seemed pretty irritated, but I just chuckled as the baseball player gave a little wave. Strike one! Strike two! Whoa! The ball was out of the park. The pathetic amount of Yankees fans jumped up and cheered. It was a sight to see how overly excited the fan who caught the ball was. He stood up on his chair and chanted, ‘I got the ball! I got the home run ball!’ This time it was my dad's turn to laugh. Then I noticed all the Red Sox fans giving us awful glares. ‘We're surrounded!’ shrieked my sister.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides a conflict between his/her father and a Red Sox fan that is comically resolved at the very end of the story. (“You'll never guess what happened next. The guy took the sandwich and started to eat it. He said, ‘Thanks’ and moved a few seats down. My family and I were astonished. I then started laughing out loud and my sister joined in with me. The guy just stared at us and licked his lips. When it was time for an ice cream break, the sandwich stealer leaned over and gave my dad five dollars for the sandwich. I was starting to get freaked out because he was crazy! The game ended tremendously with a Yankees victory of 6-1. No more sandwiches had been thrown, so that's good. As we left, the security approached us and I thought we had been caught, but he just wanted to know if we had fun. It was an awesome day in Boston and I'd love to see a baseball game again. If we do go, I'll make sure my dad doesn't eat a sandwich!”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is good in the narrative. The writer provides an interesting plot and setting and introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue is occasionally used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as things get a bit out of hand during the baseball game. (“The game was in full swing and the crowd loved it, especially us! It was tied at zero with our team up to bat. When the announcer called the best player, there was a big thundering of ‘BOO's’. My dad seemed pretty irritated, but I just chuckled as the baseball player gave a little wave. Strike one! Strike two! Whoa! The ball was out of the park. The pathetic amount of Yankees fans jumped up and cheered. It was a sight to see how overly excited the fan who caught the ball was. He stood up on his chair and chanted, ‘I got the ball! I got the home run ball!’ This time it was my dad's turn to laugh. Then I noticed all the Red Sox fans giving us awful glares. ‘We're surrounded!’ shrieked my sister.”)

The setting is established with some sensory details. (“We grabbed our twelve dollar hot dogs and headed for our seats. My eyes widened, and I'm pretty sure my sister's did too, at how large the field was. We were right at first base in the fifth row! But then I got anxious about what all the Red Sox fans would do to us wimpy Yankees fans. I looked around and they all seemed pretty considerate though. It would be an awesome afternoon.”)

The writer reveals the thoughts of the characters as events unfold in the story. (“After that, my dad and a mega Red Sox fan got into a nasty fight. They made fun of each other and argued about baseball. It was actually more fun to watch than the game itself. It did not end well at all. The fan mentioned something about being in the wrong stadium and that set my dad off. He started screaming and then he threw his half eaten sandwich at him. After that, my dad sat back down like nothing had happened. I didn't know whether to laugh, scold my dad, or hide in embarrassment. You'll never guess what happened next. The guy took the sandwich and started to eat it. He said, ‘Thanks’ and moved a few seats down. My family and I were astonished.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the story. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning by describing the scenario and the writer’s concern for going into the other team’s ball park. (“ Every year my family goes to Cape Cod, Massachusetts for summer vacation. I am extremely lucky because we stay for two weeks and we rent a beach house. One day during our vacation, my sister, my mom, my dad, I took a fun day trip into Boston to see a Red Sox versus Yankees baseball game. The Red Sox and Yankees are the ultimate rivals, and worst of all, we were Yankees fans. How were we going to survive?”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect events and promote a natural flow to the story. (“ After that, my dad and a mega Red Sox fan got into a nasty fight. They made fun of each other and argued about baseball. It was actually more fun to watch than the game itself. It did not end well at all. The fan mentioned something about being in the wrong stadium and that set my dad off. He started screaming and then he threw his half eaten sandwich at him.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ The game ended tremendously with a Yankees victory of 6-1. No more sandwiches had been thrown, so that's good. As we left, the security approached us and I thought we had been caught, but he just wanted to know if we had fun. It was an awesome day in Boston and I'd love to see a baseball game again. If we do go, I'll make sure my dad doesn't eat a sandwich!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ My sister and I were babbling the entire car ride about how awesome this day was going to be. We were going on and on about how great our seats were and how we were incredibly lucky we were to be getting a foam finger! We grabbed our twelve dollar hot dogs and headed for our seats. My eyes widened, and I'm pretty sure my sister's did too, at how large the field was. We were right at first base in the fifth row! But then I got anxious about what all the Red Sox fans would do to us wimpy Yankees fans.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ After that, my dad and a mega Red Sox fan got into a nasty fight. They made fun of each other and argued about baseball. It was actually more fun to watch than the game itself. It did not end well at all. The fan mentioned something about being in the wrong stadium and that set my dad off. He started screaming and then he threw his half eaten sandwich at him. After that, my dad sat back down like nothing had happened. I didn't know whether to laugh, scold my dad, or hide in embarrassment.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the excitement and surprises that unfold at the Red Sox game in Boston. (“ The game was in full swing and the crowd loved it, especially us! It was tied at zero with our team up to bat. When the announcer called the best player, there was a big thundering of ‘BOO's’. My dad seemed pretty irritated, but I just chuckled as the baseball player gave a little wave. Strike one! Strike two! Whoa! The ball was out of the park. The pathetic amount of Yankees fans jumped up and cheered. It was a sight to see how overly excited the fan who caught the ball was. He stood up on his chair and chanted, ‘I got the ball! I got the home run ball!’ This time it was my dad's turn to laugh. Then I noticed all the Red Sox fans giving us awful glares. ‘We're surrounded!" shrieked my sister.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ My family and I were astonished. I then started laughing out loud and my sister joined in with me. The guy just stared at us and licked his lips. When it was time for an ice cream break, the sandwich stealer leaned over and gave my dad five dollars for the sandwich. I was starting to get freaked out because he was crazy!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Back when I was seven years old, my friends and I created a daily neighborhood bicycle marathon. We took our bicycles out of our garages and lined up our bikes on a strip of tar. We rode through the neighborhood, around the dead end, or as we called it “the circle", and up the hill. We did this everyday for a very long time. Each time we did so, I was always in last place. “Don’t sweat it dude." my cousin Brayden explained. “I’m sure you'll get in first sometime soon."

But I didn't. So I practiced in all my free time before the race. “He sure is determined to win this" my friend Kaiden whispered. While I was still practicing, I realized something. Maybe I was losing because of my training wheels! So my dad unscrewed the bolts and helped me ride without them. Boy was I happy!

I practiced even more without the training wheels. It got easier and easier every day. But when the day came that I decided I would try my best, I got nervous. "What if I fall and embarrass myself? What if I still don't get first, after all I’ve done?" I thought to myself. But I set aside my doubts and straightened my bike with the others. I was especially prepared for this race.

The starting whistle blew and we set off. What happened next was extremely exciting. The tires of our bikes screamed and skidded as we flew off. Wheel against wheel! Boy against girl! We were all a fast bunch. I sped up my tires and blew away the competition. But my cousin was on my tail! That’s when I really started to panic!

He caught up to me and we stared at each other for a split second and I turned away to concentrate on the road. I dashed up the hill and back down again, only to nearly collide with my cousin, Shay. I twisted and swerved, but I was back on my game in no time. I sped around the circle and came speeding towards the finish line.

The last thing I remembered was feeling the mere seconds turn to hours as I reached the finish point. I took first place and jumped with joy. I finally won the race! After so much practicing I had officially reached my goal. I congradulated my friends and went inside for the day. To this day, I still practice the things that are important to me!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning throughout the story. The narrative reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“Back when I was seven years old, my friends and I created a daily neighborhood bicycle marathon. We took our bicycles out of our garages and lined up our bikes on a strip of tar. We rode through the neighborhood, around the dead end, or as we called it ‘the circle’, and up the hill. We did this everyday for a very long time. Each time we did so, I was always in last place.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt task. The writer remembers a significant episode from childhood and presents it in a natural and logical sequence. (“I practiced even more without the training wheels. It got easier and easier every day. But when the day came that I decided I would try my best, I got nervous. ‘What if I fall and embarrass myself? What if I still don't get first, after all I’ve done?’ I thought to myself. But I set aside my doubts and straightened my bike with the others. I was especially prepared for this race.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“He caught up to me and we stared at each other for a split second and I turned away to concentrate on the road. I dashed up the hill and back down again, only to nearly collide with my cousin, Shay. I twisted and swerved, but I was back on my game in no time. I sped around the circle and came speeding towards the finish line.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The character’s feelings of trepidation toward the upcoming race hold the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“But when the day came that I decided I would try my best, I got nervous. ‘What if I fall and embarrass myself? What if I still don't get first, after all I’ve done?’ I thought to myself. But I set aside my doubts and straightened my bike with the others.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“The starting whistle blew and we set off. What happened next was extremely exciting. The tires of our bikes screamed and skidded as we flew off. Wheel against wheel! Boy against girl! We were all a fast bunch. I sped up my tires and blew away the competition. But my cousin was on my tail! That’s when I really started to panic!”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the main character’s cousin caught up to him/her at the very end of the race. (“He caught up to me and we stared at each other for a split second and I turned away to concentrate on the road. I dashed up the hill and back down again, only to nearly collide with my cousin, Shay. I twisted and swerved, but I was back on my game in no time. I sped around the circle and came speeding towards the finish line. The last thing I remembered was feeling the mere seconds turn to hours as I reached the finish point.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by detailing the bicycle marathon held in the neighborhood every day during childhood. (“ Back when I was seven years old, my friends and I created a daily neighborhood bicycle marathon. We took our bicycles out of our garages and lined up our bikes on a strip of tar. We rode through the neighborhood, around the dead end, or as we called it ‘the circle’, and up the hill. We did this everyday for a very long time. Each time we did so, I was always in last place. ‘Don’t sweat it dude.’ my cousin Brayden explained. ‘I’m sure you'll get in first sometime soon.’”)

The writer’s use of subtle transitions adequately connects events in the story. (“So I practiced in all my free time before the race. ‘He sure is determined to win this’ my friend Kaiden whispered. While I was still practicing, I realized something. Maybe I was losing because of my training wheels! So my dad unscrewed the bolts and helped me ride without them. Boy was I happy! I practiced even more without the training wheels. It got easier and easier every day. But when the day came that I decided I would try my best, I got nervous.”)

The story provides an adequate ending and gives readers a sense of closure. (“ The last thing I remembered was feeling the mere seconds turn to hours as I reached the finish point. I took first place and jumped with joy. I finally won the race! After so much practicing I had officially reached my goal. I congradulated my friends and went inside for the day. To this day, I still practice the things that are important to me!”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ But I didn't. So I practiced in all my free time before the race. ‘He sure is determined to win this’ my friend Kaiden whispered. While I was still practicing, I realized something. Maybe I was losing because of my training wheels! So my dad unscrewed the bolts and helped me ride without them. Boy was I happy!”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes the thoughts and feelings of the main character as he/she prepares for a very important race. (“ I practiced even more without the training wheels. It got easier and easier every day. But when the day came that I decided I would try my best, I got nervous. ‘What if I fall and embarrass myself? What if I still don't get first, after all I’ve done?’ I thought to myself. But I set aside my doubts and straightened my bike with the others. I was especially prepared for this race.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ The starting whistle blew and we set off. What happened next was extremely exciting. The tires of our bikes screamed and skidded as we flew off. Wheel against wheel! Boy against girl! We were all a fast bunch. I sped up my tires and blew away the competition. But my cousin was on my tail! That’s when I really started to panic!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the story. There are minor errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Going to the Natural History Museum with Dad

I loved when I went to the Natural HIstory Museum with my dad. It was a fun, and long day. We went to lunch and ColdStone after the museum. It was yummy!

When we got there, we looked at a map until my dad's phone rang. Then he talked forever. We went and saw the dinosaur part first, then made our way to the part about Lake Bonnivile. We saw stuff on the indians, and DNA .We saw plants, and learned about them. After we finished the top floor we went to the patio/roof. It was fun there.

Once we were in the car, we decide to go look at city creek mall. Then we had lunch at the food court and decided to eat a pizza place called Sabaro. The pieces were so big they would bend if you didn't fold them in half. Then we got fries from McDonalds. Then we left.On the way home we were stopped at a light, when we heard four thumps on the side of the truck. It was a biker. Her front tire got stuck in a crack, and she fell into the truck. her tooth and knee were bloody,and her bike tire popped.

We were about half way home when mt dad wanted to stop at ColdStone. When we got out, we looked at the spot where the biker hit, the my dad's phone rang. Then like the first time, he talked forever. Then we got our ice cream. I was just finishing when I walked inside, then my sister was sad that she didn't get any.

Again, I loved the time I went to the Natural History Museum. I hope I can go agian.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the story presented. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“I loved when I went to the Natural HIstory Museum with my dad. It was a fun, and long day. We went to lunch and ColdStone after the museum. It was yummy!”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on the actual trip to the museum. (“We went and saw the dinosaur part first, then made our way to the part about Lake Bonnivile. We saw stuff on the indians, and DNA .We saw plants, and learned about them. After we finished the top floor we went to the patio/roof. It was fun there. Once we were in the car, we decide to go look at city creek mall.”)

The writer provides limited examples of the characters’ time in the museum. Many other parts of the story feature things that happened after the trip to the museum. In providing more relevant details that focus on the main event, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Then we had lunch at the food court and decided to eat a pizza place called Sabaro. The pieces were so big they would bend if you didn't fold them in half. Then we got fries from McDonalds. Then we left.On the way home we were stopped at a light, when we heard four thumps on the side of the truck. It was a biker. Her front tire got stuck in a crack, and she fell into the truck. her tooth and knee were bloody,and her bike tire popped.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and it lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of the writer’s day spent with his/her dad. The writer introduces the story as a trip to a museum with his/her father but does not discuss the museum with adequate descriptions or details. Additionally, the writer does not implement dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“When we got there, we looked at a map until my dad's phone rang. Then he talked forever. We went and saw the dinosaur part first, then made our way to the part about Lake Bonnivile. We saw stuff on the indians, and DNA .We saw plants, and learned about them. After we finished the top floor we went to the patio/roof. It was fun there.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces family members and a biker into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“On the way home we were stopped at a light, when we heard four thumps on the side of the truck. It was a biker. Her front tire got stuck in a crack, and she fell into the truck. her tooth and knee were bloody,and her bike tire popped.”)

The writer does not implement any use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“We were about half way home when mt dad wanted to stop at ColdStone. When we got out, we looked at the spot where the biker hit, the my dad's phone rang. Then like the first time, he talked forever. Then we got our ice cream. I was just finishing when I walked inside, then my sister was sad that she didn't get any.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer should describe the setting and characters to fully engage readers from the start. (“ I loved when I went to the Natural HIstory Museum with my dad. It was a fun, and long day. We went to lunch and ColdStone after the museum. It was yummy!”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the narrative. (“ Once we were in the car, we decide to go look at city creek mall. Then we had lunch at the food court and decided to eat a pizza place called Sabaro. The pieces were so big they would bend if you didn't fold them in half. Then we got fries from McDonalds.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer simply reveals a desire to go to the museum again. (“ Again, I loved the time I went to the Natural History Museum. I hope I can go agian.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting for the intended audience. (“ Then we got fries from McDonalds. Then we left.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. (“ Again, I loved the time I went to the Natural History Museum. I hope I can go agian.”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate an engaging story to the intended audience. (“ When we got there, we looked at a map until my dad's phone rang. Then he talked forever.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

A Very Painful Moment

i remember a time when I was in alot of pain. I'll tell the the story. But you might not want to hear it. Senesce your still hear I'll tell you the story. Now I'll say these words. Hear we go.

once upon a time there was a family. It was a saterday day in 2005. I am Matt. there is Maren, Mom and dad. But mom was away on arenas so the rest of the family was flying kites. and all was well. The mail man came and gave Matt a mean look then left.

When Matt was told to get the mail he told his dad " ok". Then some thing happened. Matt slipped and hit his knee the concrete. It's still unknown. Whelp there was a giant scab instead.

He couldn't bend it even a little. Everyone thought it was broken. But it wasn't. It was big it was big and it left a scar. After this all was whelp and Maren said " this worked whelp".

Did you like this story. Did you like it alot. You pobibly did becouse its realy good.Theres more where that came from. Tell next time good by.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative response. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“i remember a time when I was in alot of pain. I'll tell the the story. But you might not want to hear it.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the incident that caused such pain for the main character. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“He couldn't bend it even a little. Everyone thought it was broken. But it wasn't. It was big it was big and it left a scar.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“When Matt was told to get the mail he told his dad ‘ ok’. Then some thing happened. Matt slipped and hit his knee the concrete. It's still unknown. Whelp there was a giant scab instead.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses a problem in the story, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“When Matt was told to get the mail he told his dad ‘ ok’. Then some thing happened. Matt slipped and hit his knee the concrete. It's still unknown. Whelp there was a giant scab instead. He couldn't bend it even a little. Everyone thought it was broken. But it wasn't. It was big it was big and it left a scar.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“I am Matt. there is Maren, Mom and dad. But mom was away on arenas so the rest of the family was flying kites. and all was well.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“After this all was whelp and Maren said ‘ this worked whelp’.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning; however, he/she misses the opportunity to describe the scenario, setting, and characters to fully engage the intended audience. (“ i remember a time when I was in alot of pain. I'll tell the the story. But you might not want to hear it. Senesce your still hear I'll tell you the story. Now I'll say these words. Hear we go.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ once upon a time there was a family. It was a saterday day in 2005. I am Matt. there is Maren, Mom and dad. But mom was away on arenas so the rest of the family was flying kites. and all was well. The mail man came and gave Matt a mean look then left.”)

The writer does not provide an effective ending. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons that may be learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ Did you like this story. Did you like it alot. You pobibly did becouse its realy good.Theres more where that came from. Tell next time good by.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ When Matt was told to get the mail he told his dad ‘ ok’. Then some thing happened. Matt slipped and hit his knee the concrete. It's still unknown. Whelp there was a giant scab instead.”)

Sentences are too short in portions of the narrative. The writer should add more details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ Did you like this story. Did you like it alot. You pobibly did becouse its realy good.Theres more where that came from. Tell next time good by.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structures do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ He couldn't bend it even a little. Everyone thought it was broken. But it wasn't. It was big it was big and it left a scar.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. (“i remember a time when I was in alot of pain. I'll tell the the story. But you might not want to hear it. Senesce your still hear I'll tell you the story. Now I'll say these words. Hear we go.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I was so excited I was bording the plane in Utah and going to Califonia.When we got there we met my grandpa who lives in Califonia.My grandma grandpa mom and me checked into the hotel it was crazy fancy.My mom and I had our room and they had there's.the next day we went to disnyland it was cool I only wanted to talk to Mickey Mouse but he woldent talk to me so i punched him in the knee.The next day i went to Sea World later i went to the beach it was cool but we had to leave.That was my first memory.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ I was so excited I was bording the plane in Utah and going to Califonia.When we got there we met my grandpa who lives in Califonia.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“My grandma grandpa mom and me checked into the hotel it was crazy fancy.My mom and I had our room and they had there's.the next day we went to disnyland it was cool I only wanted to talk to Mickey Mouse but he woldent talk to me so i punched him in the knee.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“The next day i went to Sea World later i went to the beach it was cool but we had to leave.That was my first memory.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps the readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ I was so excited I was bording the plane in Utah and going to Califonia.When we got there we met my grandpa who lives in Califonia.My grandma grandpa mom and me checked into the hotel it was crazy fancy.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“My mom and I had our room and they had there's.the next day we went to disnyland it was cool I only wanted to talk to Mickey Mouse but he woldent talk to me so i punched him in the knee.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“The next day i went to Sea World later i went to the beach it was cool but we had to leave.That was my first memory.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, the writer’s recollection of his/her childhood. (“ I was so excited I was bording the plane in Utah and going to Califonia.When we got there we met my grandpa who lives in Califonia.My grandma grandpa mom and me checked into the hotel it was crazy fancy.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time and sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ My mom and I had our room and they had there's.the next day we went to disnyland it was cool I only wanted to talk to Mickey Mouse but he woldent talk to me so i punched him in the knee.”)

The story’s abrupt ending leaves readers with many questions. (“ The next day i went to Sea World later i went to the beach it was cool but we had to leave.That was my first memory.”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ My grandma grandpa mom and me checked into the hotel it was crazy fancy.”)

Sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ the next day we went to disnyland it was cool I only wanted to talk to Mickey Mouse but he woldent talk to me so i punched him in the knee.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“I was so excited I was bording the plane in Utah and going to Califonia.When we got there we met my grandpa who lives in Califonia.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“My mom and I had our room and they had there's.the next day we went to disnyland it was cool I only wanted to talk to Mickey Mouse but he woldent talk to me so i punched him in the knee.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Smoky Sky

Click here to view the image.

Click here to view the printable version of the image and assignment.

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict, and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Alex collapsed onto her bed and stared at the ceiling, exhausted from her day babysitting the Grover's kids. The little devils hadn't given her a moments rest and their parents had been hours late coming home, making her have to call the animal shelter and tell them she wouldn't be able to make it today. Alex cursed under her breath as she sat up and stared around her bleak, colorless room. Twirling a lock of her wavy, strawberry blonde hair around her finger, she started brainstorming for something to do. She stood up and wandered aimlessly over to her full body mirror. The effects of her finely chiseled face were kind of ruined by the dark rings around her eyes from working late in Old Lady Fen's garden.

Alex drug her feet over to the window and stopped dead in her tracks, staring out in surprise. The gist of the town stood in the distance, looking as if it'd sprung up from the grassy fields and rows of corn all around it, interrupting the cows in their grazing. The buildings weren't what surprised Alex; she had lived in this house, in this town, her entire life. No, it was the huge plume of billowing, sooty smoke rising from a familiar set of structures that caught her attention.

"The animal shelter!" Alex gasped. She froze, her brain whirring with possible things she could be doing rather than just standing there. One thought came to a grinding halt in the front of her mind. The animals! Save the animals!

Alex listened to her feet pounding against the dry dirt circle in the lawn where their dog used to be chained. He'd worn the grass away, running in slobbery circles all day for no reason. Unfortunately he'd also made it necessary for Alex's family to fence in their yard. Alex picked up speed and hopped the fence, using her momentum and one hand to swing herself over. Alex plowed into the corn field, using a familiar worn path down the left side that she frequently traveled to reach the shelter faster when she was really late.

Alex dashed around the end of the building and slowed to a jog, her jaw slacking. Even though she'd seen the smoke, it'd never really clicked that the animal shelter was on fire. The main office building and a structure across the street were the ones spitting up most of the hazardous charcoal plumes. In front of the buildings was absolute chaos, with firefighters and policemen ushering people back while still trying to fight three smoldering buildings.

The main building of the animal shelter connected to a smaller one where all the animals were kept. Alex could see a lot of frantic little creatures zipping in-between people's legs and crying out as desperately as the bystanders, but there weren't nearly enough. They were still in the building; some heartless person must've left half of them in there when one end of the refurbished barn-like room had finally caught fire. Knowing she was about to do something very stupid, Alex pulled her hand-made sweater over her nose and stepped inside.

Alex crouched but didn't fall to the floor, knowing she'd have to be both low and quick. The animals pleading cries filled her ears and forced her legs, weary from their mini-marathon, to run across the room.

Whoever had been in there before had at least freed all the animals nearest to the flames, and the only ones left were nearest to the exit. She was quickly grateful for her slight laziness when feeding the ever-growing amount of animals; she'd developed a fast method of opening cages as quickly as possible rather than individual pens, which took much too long. Dashing up and down the half-rows, Alex clicked open the cages and drug her fingers across the metal door as she hurried to the next to open it without hassle. Within a few minutes she was done and little fuzzy things of every shape and size were fleeing towards the door.

Coughing harshly and fighting off tears from the horrid stinging in her eyes and the stench of the room, Alex turned for the door and noticed a small bundle of fur in the middle of the floor. The kitten was crouched low to the ground, back arched and small teeth bared at the fire. In one last desperate leap she grabbed the kitten and jumped out the door rolling across the asphalt.

Alex tried to make a sound, but her throat was dry and scratchy. She looked down at the tiny gray, once-white kitten bundled in what was left of her sweater and cuddled in her arms and smiled as it licked her black, chalky fingers and began purring lightly, its own voice choked from smoke. Alex opened her mouth again and shrugged at the man. Her voice was raspy when she spoke with a smile, "They're my friends, too."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for how Alex will save herself and all of the animals. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are rescuing the animals from the burning shelter. (“The main building of the animal shelter connected to a smaller one where all the animals were kept. Alex could see a lot of frantic little creatures zipping in-between people's legs and crying out as desperately as the bystanders, but there weren't nearly enough. They were still in the building; some heartless person must've left half of them in there when one end of the refurbished barn-like room had finally caught fire. Knowing she was about to do something very stupid, Alex pulled her hand-made sweater over her nose and stepped inside.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the writer’s scenario, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences, where Alex escapes the burning animal shelter. (“Coughing harshly and fighting off tears from the horrid stinging in her eyes and the stench of the room, Alex turned for the door and noticed a small bundle of fur in the middle of the floor. The kitten was crouched low to the ground, back arched and small teeth bared at the fire. In one last desperate leap she grabbed the kitten and jumped out the door rolling across the asphalt.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“Alex drug her feet over to the window and stopped dead in her tracks, staring out in surprise. The gist of the town stood in the distance, looking as if it'd sprung up from the grassy fields and rows of corn all around it, interrupting the cows in their grazing. The buildings weren't what surprised Alex; she had lived in this house, in this town, her entire life. No, it was the huge plume of billowing, sooty smoke rising from a familiar set of structures that caught her attention.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the story. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of what the main character, Alex, must accomplish to save all the animals from the burning building. In doing so, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. (“‘The animal shelter!’ Alex gasped. She froze, her brain whirring with possible things she could be doing rather than just standing there. One thought came to a grinding halt in the front of her mind. The animals! Save the animals!”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is exhausted and frustrated from a long day of work. (“Alex drug her feet over to the window and stopped dead in her tracks, staring out in surprise. The gist of the town stood in the distance, looking as if it'd sprung up from the grassy fields and rows of corn all around it, interrupting the cows in their grazing. The buildings weren't what surprised Alex; she had lived in this house, in this town, her entire life. No, it was the huge plume of billowing, sooty smoke rising from a familiar set of structures that caught her attention.”)

There is very effective information about what happened after Alex witnessed the smoky sky from her bedroom. (“Alex listened to her feet pounding against the dry dirt circle in the lawn where their dog used to be chained. He'd worn the grass away, running in slobbery circles all day for no reason. Unfortunately he'd also made it necessary for Alex's family to fence in their yard. Alex picked up speed and hopped the fence, using her momentum and one hand to swing herself over. Alex plowed into the corn field, using a familiar worn path down the left side that she frequently traveled to reach the shelter faster when she was really late. …Alex dashed around the end of the building and slowed to a jog, her jaw slacking. Even though she'd seen the smoke, it'd never really clicked that the animal shelter was on fire. The main office building and a structure across the street were the ones spitting up most of the hazardous charcoal plumes. In front of the buildings was absolute chaos, with firefighters and policemen ushering people back while still trying to fight three smoldering buildings.”)

Organization

The story’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the main character, Alex. (“Alex collapsed onto her bed and stared at the ceiling, exhausted from her day babysitting the Grover's kids. The little devils hadn't given her a moments rest and their parents had been hours late coming home, making her have to call the animal shelter and tell them she wouldn't be able to make it today. Alex cursed under her breath as she sat up and stared around her bleak, colorless room. Twirling a lock of her wavy, strawberry blonde hair around her finger, she started brainstorming for something to do. She stood up and wandered aimlessly over to her full body mirror. The effects of her finely chiseled face were kind of ruined by the dark rings around her eyes from working late in Old Lady Fen's garden.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Alex dashed around the end of the building and slowed to a jog, her jaw slacking. Even though she'd seen the smoke, it'd never really clicked that the animal shelter was on fire. The main office building and a structure across the street were the ones spitting up most of the hazardous charcoal plumes. In front of the buildings was absolute chaos, with firefighters and policemen ushering people back while still trying to fight three smoldering buildings.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing why Alex risked her life to save the animals from the burning building. (“Alex tried to make a sound, but her throat was dry and scratchy. She looked down at the tiny gray, once-white kitten bundled in what was left of her sweater and cuddled in her arms and smiled as it licked her black, chalky fingers and began purring lightly, its own voice choked from smoke. Alex opened her mouth again and shrugged at the man. Her voice was raspy when she spoke with a smile, ‘They're my friends, too.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the main characters’ experiences. (“ Coughing harshly and fighting off tears from the horrid stinging in her eyes and the stench of the room, Alex turned for the door and noticed a small bundle of fur in the middle of the floor. The kitten was crouched low to the ground, back arched and small teeth bared at the fire. In one last desperate leap she grabbed the kitten and jumped out the door rolling across the asphalt.”)

The writer’s use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ Alex drug her feet over to the window and stopped dead in her tracks, staring out in surprise. The gist of the town stood in the distance, looking as if it'd sprung up from the grassy fields and rows of corn all around it, interrupting the cows in their grazing. The buildings weren't what surprised Alex; she had lived in this house, in this town, her entire life. No, it was the huge plume of billowing, sooty smoke rising from a familiar set of structures that caught her attention.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s urgency in having the main character, Alex, save the animals from the burning building. (“ Alex dashed around the end of the building and slowed to a jog, her jaw slacking. Even though she'd seen the smoke, it'd never really clicked that the animal shelter was on fire. The main office building and a structure across the street were the ones spitting up most of the hazardous charcoal plumes. In front of the buildings was absolute chaos, with firefighters and policemen ushering people back while still trying to fight three smoldering buildings.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

In the miniscule village of Derby, in the county of Derby shire, England, an old dairy farmer by the name of Theodore J. K. Durrant stood up from his creaking bed. It was still in the early pink-gray of the new morning and the proud cock in the run-down old coop had recently crowed his final hoarse note. Theodore rubbed the gruff graying stubble on his chin and slipped into his woolen tweed jacket, mumbling about his throbbing head. Maybe he shouldn't have had so many pints in the smokey pub last night. Curses to that old fogy, Crab McDonald, for making a bet of thirty pounds to see who could down the most in one minute flat. Of course, he had lost that contest. Awe, well. What happened is what happened and Theodore couldn't do anything about it.

As he walked outside into the cool, brisk spring morning, the farmer couldn't help but admire the scenery about him. The lush, deep green of the grass and alfalfa in the fence-enclosed pasture had been mowed down by grazing of the large bovine milk producers. Theodore's eyes caught a glimpse of the small herd of jet black and milky white colored Holsteins grazing on the stubble of the magnificently luxuriant pasture, their heavy breath turning into a light cloud of vapor around their fuzzy, pink muzzles. He then turned his gaze south, away from the sight of the herd and saw the enormous coal manufacturing factory. The tall, winding spires jut into the turquoise sky like the jaws of a shark closing in on the whole of the ocean.The main body of the manufacturing plant was of a large, cubical shape with soot and coal dust powdering the edges. He noticed the gigantic metal doors that led into the monstrous building. Many of his friends, including McDonald, worked at the huge place, though he couldn't figure out how someone could even consider taking up an occupation in such a filthy place.

Suddenly, a terrible, ferocious boom echoed through the quaint little town. Theodore jumped halfway out of his knickers, knocking over a pail of dirty water next to his shoulder. The herd bolted, slamming their enormous weight against each other in a panicked confusion, lowing and crying out in terror. A split second after the explosion, a wall of flame erupted around the huge building, sending a tendril of dark, coal colored ash billowing into the sky, shattering the tranquility of the morning. Theodore ran for the small, old-time telephone that sat on his oak wood table.

He grabbed the receiver and punched in the numbers to the fire department, frantically sputtering as a voice came over the line. "There's a f-fire in the factory! There's a fire in the factory!" he yelled, watching the barrier of smoke pierce the rising sun, turning the color of the dawn from light yellow and peach pink to blood colored crimson. "We'll be right there sir, please calm down," the officer assured and, to add to the already hectic tumult, the wail of the red fire engines reverberated throughout the tiny settlement. Theodore began whispering a silent prayer that, if there was anyone inside of the smoking building, they wouldn't be injured. He eyed his small herd, watched them stampede and trample down the once beautiful, now smashed green grass.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the point of view of the main character, an old dairy farmer named Theodore J. K. Durrant. (“In the miniscule village of Derby, in the county of Derby shire, England, an old dairy farmer by the name of Theodore J. K. Durrant stood up from his creaking bed. It was still in the early pink-gray of the new morning and the proud cock in the run-down old coop had recently crowed his final hoarse note. Theodore rubbed the gruff graying stubble on his chin and slipped into his woolen tweed jacket, mumbling about his throbbing head. Maybe he shouldn't have had so many pints in the smokey pub last night. Curses to that old fogy, Crab McDonald, for making a bet of thirty pounds to see who could down the most in one minute flat. Of course, he had lost that contest. Awe, well. What happened is what happened and Theodore couldn't do anything about it.”)

The second paragraph of the story leads the readers up to the main event. (“As he walked outside into the cool, brisk spring morning, the farmer couldn't help but admire the scenery about him. The lush, deep green of the grass and alfalfa in the fence-enclosed pasture had been mowed down by grazing of the large bovine milk producers. Theodore's eyes caught a glimpse of the small herd of jet black and milky white colored Holsteins grazing on the stubble of the magnificently luxuriant pasture, their heavy breath turning into a light cloud of vapor around their fuzzy, pink muzzles. He then turned his gaze south, away from the sight of the herd and saw the enormous coal manufacturing factory.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides vivid descriptions of the explosion that caused the coal mining factory to catch fire. (“Suddenly, a terrible, ferocious boom echoed through the quaint little town. Theodore jumped halfway out of his knickers, knocking over a pail of dirty water next to his shoulder. The herd bolted, slamming their enormous weight against each other in a panicked confusion, lowing and crying out in terror. A split second after the explosion, a wall of flame erupted around the huge building, sending a tendril of dark, coal colored ash billowing into the sky, shattering the tranquility of the morning. Theodore ran for the small, old-time telephone that sat on his oak wood table. …He grabbed the receiver and punched in the numbers to the fire department, frantically sputtering as a voice came over the line. ‘There's a f-fire in the factory! There's a fire in the factory!’ he yelled, watching the barrier of smoke pierce the rising sun, turning the color of the dawn from light yellow and peach pink to blood colored crimson.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character when a nearby explosion creates chaos in town. (“Suddenly, a terrible, ferocious boom echoed through the quaint little town. Theodore jumped halfway out of his knickers, knocking over a pail of dirty water next to his shoulder. The herd bolted, slamming their enormous weight against each other in a panicked confusion, lowing and crying out in terror. A split second after the explosion, a wall of flame erupted around the huge building, sending a tendril of dark, coal colored ash billowing into the sky, shattering the tranquility of the morning.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ As he walked outside into the cool, brisk spring morning, the farmer couldn't help but admire the scenery about him. The lush, deep green of the grass and alfalfa in the fence-enclosed pasture had been mowed down by grazing of the large bovine milk producers. Theodore's eyes caught a glimpse of the small herd of jet black and milky white colored Holsteins grazing on the stubble of the magnificently luxuriant pasture, their heavy breath turning into a light cloud of vapor around their fuzzy, pink muzzles.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“He then turned his gaze south, away from the sight of the herd and saw the enormous coal manufacturing factory. The tall, winding spires jut into the turquoise sky like the jaws of a shark closing in on the whole of the ocean.The main body of the manufacturing plant was of a large, cubical shape with soot and coal dust powdering the edges. He noticed the gigantic metal doors that led into the monstrous building. Many of his friends, including McDonald, worked at the huge place, though he couldn't figure out how someone could even consider taking up an occupation in such a filthy place.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ In the miniscule village of Derby, in the county of Derby shire, England, an old dairy farmer by the name of Theodore J. K. Durrant stood up from his creaking bed. It was still in the early pink-gray of the new morning and the proud cock in the run-down old coop had recently crowed his final hoarse note. Theodore rubbed the gruff graying stubble on his chin and slipped into his woolen tweed jacket, mumbling about his throbbing head.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer incorporates effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ As he walked outside into the cool, brisk spring morning, the farmer couldn't help but admire the scenery about him. The lush, deep green of the grass and alfalfa in the fence-enclosed pasture had been mowed down by grazing of the large bovine milk producers. Theodore's eyes caught a glimpse of the small herd of jet black and milky white colored Holsteins grazing on the stubble of the magnificently luxuriant pasture, their heavy breath turning into a light cloud of vapor around their fuzzy, pink muzzles.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ Theodore began whispering a silent prayer that, if there was anyone inside of the smoking building, they wouldn't be injured. He eyed his small herd, watched them stampede and trample down the once beautiful, now smashed green grass.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent. (“ Suddenly, a terrible, ferocious boom echoed through the quaint little town. Theodore jumped halfway out of his knickers, knocking over a pail of dirty water next to his shoulder. The herd bolted, slamming their enormous weight against each other in a panicked confusion, lowing and crying out in terror. A split second after the explosion, a wall of flame erupted around the huge building, sending a tendril of dark, coal colored ash billowing into the sky, shattering the tranquility of the morning. Theodore ran for the small, old-time telephone that sat on his oak wood table.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ He then turned his gaze south, away from the sight of the herd and saw the enormous coal manufacturing factory. The tall, winding spires jut into the turquoise sky like the jaws of a shark closing in on the whole of the ocean.The main body of the manufacturing plant was of a large, cubical shape with soot and coal dust powdering the edges. He noticed the gigantic metal doors that led into the monstrous building. Many of his friends, including McDonald, worked at the huge place, though he couldn't figure out how someone could even consider taking up an occupation in such a filthy place.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the setting of the story. (“ As he walked outside into the cool, brisk spring morning, the farmer couldn't help but admire the scenery about him. The lush, deep green of the grass and alfalfa in the fence-enclosed pasture had been mowed down by grazing of the large bovine milk producers. Theodore's eyes caught a glimpse of the small herd of jet black and milky white colored Holsteins grazing on the stubble of the magnificently luxuriant pasture, their heavy breath turning into a light cloud of vapor around their fuzzy, pink muzzles.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Maybe he shouldn't have had so many pints in the smokey pub last night. Curses to that old fogy, Crab McDonald, for making a bet of thirty pounds to see who could down the most in one minute flat. Of course, he had lost that contest. Awe, well. What happened is what happened and Theodore couldn't do anything about it.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was late July in baffles field, London. My husband, John and I were taking a stroll through the public garden, admiring the petunias, and violets. We had been on vacation in London for about 3 days now, sight seeing and milling around the shopping centers, today I had decided to come to the park and do something more, quiet and peaceful, rather than the loud and meretricious outlet malls downtown. The mid day air was crisp and refreshing, not to cold nor warm, I had grown accustom to the perfect weather, I preferred it much more than the moist, humid climate back in florida where my husband and I reside. As a child, I had always dreamt of visiting London, seeing Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower. It had been nothing I could ever imagine, at night seeing the Eiffel tower lit up with a million lights, it's a breath taking sight to see.

"Look over there Darling!" yelled John from across the garden.

I had been too lost in my thoughts to notice the towering cloud of black smoke rising up from a factory just up the street, it was a very frightening thing to look at, I felt like it was going to swallow me whole and I would become a victim of it's smoky torture. John sprinted over to where I stood and took hold of my hand, for he could sense that I was afraid. Even though the smoke was dark as night, I could see the bright red and yellow flames bursting and eating the building, in the distance, I could hear the sirens heading toward the burning inferno. John told me he would like to get a closer look, so we started walking down the street where we could see crowds of people running towards the factory.

When we got as close as we could, I wasn't paying very much attention to the burning factory, something else caught my eye, it was a field of cows, grazing peacefully, they were so calm and weren't paying any attention to the inferno next door. It was then when I noticed the slow shadows moving in the background, it was dark but I could barely make out the figures of their tattered clothing and crippled legs. My thoughts started to wonder what it could be, maybe injured people from the factory, but as they got closer I could see their blood smeared faces and blank eyes, I knew these weren't normal people, I quickly notified John and he said we had better get out of there quick. As we were running down the street, I just so happened to glance back and watch the terrorizing scene of the figures attacking the crowd around the factory. I screamed in pure terror.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“I had been too lost in my thoughts to notice the towering cloud of black smoke rising up from a factory just up the street, it was a very frightening thing to look at, I felt like it was going to swallow me whole and I would become a victim of it's smoky torture.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“When we got as close as we could, I wasn't paying very much attention to the burning factory, something else caught my eye, it was a field of cows, grazing peacefully, they were so calm and weren't paying any attention to the inferno next door. It was then when I noticed the slow shadows moving in the background, it was dark but I could barely make out the figures of their tattered clothing and crippled legs.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“John sprinted over to where I stood and took hold of my hand, for he could sense that I was afraid. Even though the smoke was dark as night, I could see the bright red and yellow flames bursting and eating the building, in the distance, I could hear the sirens heading toward the burning inferno. John told me he would like to get a closer look, so we started walking down the street where we could see crowds of people running towards the factory.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“‘Look over there Darling!’ yelled John from across the garden.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the smoky sky. (“I had been too lost in my thoughts to notice the towering cloud of black smoke rising up from a factory just up the street, it was a very frightening thing to look at, I felt like it was going to swallow me whole and I would become a victim of it's smoky torture. John sprinted over to where I stood and took hold of my hand, for he could sense that I was afraid.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the main characters realize that the people emerging from the smoke are no longer human. (“It was then when I noticed the slow shadows moving in the background, it was dark but I could barely make out the figures of their tattered clothing and crippled legs. My thoughts started to wonder what it could be, maybe injured people from the factory, but as they got closer I could see their blood smeared faces and blank eyes, I knew these weren't normal people, I quickly notified John and he said we had better get out of there quick.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the setting. (“ It was late July in baffles field, London. My husband, John and I were taking a stroll through the public garden, admiring the petunias, and violets. We had been on vacation in London for about 3 days now, sight seeing and milling around the shopping centers, today I had decided to come to the park and do something more, quiet and peaceful, rather than the loud and meretricious outlet malls downtown. The mid day air was crisp and refreshing, not to cold nor warm, I had grown accustom to the perfect weather, I preferred it much more than the moist, humid climate back in florida where my husband and I reside.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“I had been too lost in my thoughts to notice the towering cloud of black smoke rising up from a factory just up the street, it was a very frightening thing to look at, I felt like it was going to swallow me whole and I would become a victim of it's smoky torture. John sprinted over to where I stood and took hold of my hand, for he could sense that I was afraid. Even though the smoke was dark as night, I could see the bright red and yellow flames bursting and eating the building, in the distance, I could hear the sirens heading toward the burning inferno.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ My thoughts started to wonder what it could be, maybe injured people from the factory, but as they got closer I could see their blood smeared faces and blank eyes, I knew these weren't normal people, I quickly notified John and he said we had better get out of there quick. As we were running down the street, I just so happened to glance back and watch the terrorizing scene of the figures attacking the crowd around the factory. I screamed in pure terror.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ It was late July in baffles field, London. My husband, John and I were taking a stroll through the public garden, admiring the petunias, and violets. We had been on vacation in London for about 3 days now, sight seeing and milling around the shopping centers, today I had decided to come to the park and do something more, quiet and peaceful, rather than the loud and meretricious outlet malls downtown. The mid day air was crisp and refreshing, not to cold nor warm, I had grown accustom to the perfect weather, I preferred it much more than the moist, humid climate back in florida where my husband and I reside. As a child, I had always dreamt of visiting London, seeing Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes the smoky sky. (“ I had been too lost in my thoughts to notice the towering cloud of black smoke rising up from a factory just up the street, it was a very frightening thing to look at, I felt like it was going to swallow me whole and I would become a victim of it's smoky torture. John sprinted over to where I stood and took hold of my hand, for he could sense that I was afraid. Even though the smoke was dark as night, I could see the bright red and yellow flames bursting and eating the building, in the distance, I could hear the sirens heading toward the burning inferno. John told me he would like to get a closer look, so we started walking down the street where we could see crowds of people running towards the factory.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ When we got as close as we could, I wasn't paying very much attention to the burning factory, something else caught my eye, it was a field of cows, grazing peacefully, they were so calm and weren't paying any attention to the inferno next door. It was then when I noticed the slow shadows moving in the background, it was dark but I could barely make out the figures of their tattered clothing and crippled legs.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ We had been on vacation in London for about 3 days now, sight seeing and milling around the shopping centers, today I had decided to come to the park and do something more, quiet and peaceful, rather than the loud and meretricious outlet malls downtown. The mid day air was crisp and refreshing, not to cold nor warm, I had grown accustom to the perfect weather, I preferred it much more than the moist, humid climate back in florida where my husband and I reside.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One hot, bright, sunny day Looney the old farmer woke up. Upon from awaking he had fealt very thirsty, so he headed down to the frigerator to check if he had any milk. Since there was none, he decided to head out and get some milk from Bubbles(the one cow he finds to be most like a daughter). When he wasn't capable of getting out any milk, he drove down to the grocery store in his John Deer tractor. While he was driving away he had noticed more smoke than usually coming from the match factory. He didn't think to worry much about it and drove off in his tractor going at a speed of ten miles per hour.

He had spent about an hour shopping because he didn't know how to read. Then after he left, he had seen a big cloud of smoke coming from the direction of his farm, but then again he thought it was just the match factory. As he started to drive closer and closer, he had recognize the smoke was as well getting closer and he was starting to panic. When he came around the corner to where the farm was in view, there was a fire surrounding the barn. Once he saw this, he sped toward the barn. Since the barn doors weren't so covered up in flames, he kicked then down and when he did the animals blasted out the door almost trampling Looney. When all the animals that could run out, ran out, he noticed non of them was Bubbles. So he quicky hopped into the barn and ran straight towards the spot where Bubbles was.

When he found her she was caught under a whole bunch of the wood from the barn. He got a good grip of the wood and then just chunked it. But there was still a very big problem, Bubbles was on the ground, and couldn't get up. So Looney had to get all his strength back, and luckily he could push her up. They ran to the doors and as soon as they did, the barn collasped right on them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“While he was driving away he had noticed more smoke than usually coming from the match factory. He didn't think to worry much about it and drove off in his tractor going at a speed of ten miles per hour.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the smoky sky. (“He had spent about an hour shopping because he didn't know how to read. Then after he left, he had seen a big cloud of smoke coming from the direction of his farm, but then again he thought it was just the match factory. As he started to drive closer and closer, he had recognize the smoke was as well getting closer and he was starting to panic. When he came around the corner to where the farm was in view, there was a fire surrounding the barn. Once he saw this, he sped toward the barn. Since the barn doors weren't so covered up in flames, he kicked then down and when he did the animals blasted out the door almost trampling Looney.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. The writer should elaborate on how Bubbles the cow is like a daughter to him. By providing more relevant details, the readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Since there was none, he decided to head out and get some milk from Bubbles(the one cow he finds to be most like a daughter).”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The story reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character named Looney. The writer discusses the smoky sky and how the barn is on fire, but does not include provide sufficient details or explanations. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“He had spent about an hour shopping because he didn't know how to read. Then after he left, he had seen a big cloud of smoke coming from the direction of his farm, but then again he thought it was just the match factory. As he started to drive closer and closer, he had recognize the smoke was as well getting closer and he was starting to panic. When he came around the corner to where the farm was in view, there was a fire surrounding the barn. Once he saw this, he sped toward the barn. Since the barn doors weren't so covered up in flames, he kicked then down and when he did the animals blasted out the door almost trampling Looney. When all the animals that could run out, ran out, he noticed non of them was Bubbles. So he quicky hopped into the barn and ran straight towards the spot where Bubbles was.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces Looney into the narrative but does not describe him in any way. (“One hot, bright, sunny day Looney the old farmer woke up. Upon from awaking he had fealt very thirsty, so he headed down to the frigerator to check if he had any milk. Since there was none, he decided to head out and get some milk from Bubbles(the one cow he finds to be most like a daughter). When he wasn't capable of getting out any milk, he drove down to the grocery store in his John Deer tractor. While he was driving away he had noticed more smoke than usually coming from the match factory.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“When all the animals that could run out, ran out, he noticed non of them was Bubbles. So he quicky hopped into the barn and ran straight towards the spot where Bubbles was.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an image of the characters and where the story is taking place. (“ One hot, bright, sunny day Looney the old farmer woke up. Upon from awaking he had fealt very thirsty, so he headed down to the frigerator to check if he had any milk. Since there was none, he decided to head out and get some milk from Bubbles(the one cow he finds to be most like a daughter).”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the story. (“ Then after he left, he had seen a big cloud of smoke coming from the direction of his farm, but then again he thought it was just the match factory. As he started to drive closer and closer, he had recognize the smoke was as well getting closer and he was starting to panic. When he came around the corner to where the farm was in view, there was a fire surrounding the barn. Once he saw this, he sped toward the barn.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ When he found her she was caught under a whole bunch of the wood from the barn. He got a good grip of the wood and then just chunked it. But there was still a very big problem, Bubbles was on the ground, and couldn't get up. So Looney had to get all his strength back, and luckily he could push her up. They ran to the doors and as soon as they did, the barn collasped right on them.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ When he found her she was caught under a whole bunch of the wood from the barn. He got a good grip of the wood and then just chunked it.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of the word “when , ” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ When he came around the corner to where the farm was in view, there was a fire surrounding the barn. … When all the animals that could run out, ran out, he noticed non of them was Bubbles. … When he found her she was caught under a whole bunch of the wood from the barn.”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ When he wasn't capable of getting out any milk, he drove down to the grocery store in his John Deer tractor. While he was driving away he had noticed more smoke than usually coming from the match factory. He didn't think to worry much about it and drove off in his tractor going at a speed of ten miles per hour.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. The writer should also indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Upon from awaking he had fealt very thirsty, so he headed down to the frigerator to check if he had any milk.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

there once was a burning building that was behind a farm that was filled with cows. they were very happy cows that liked to eat the green grass that grew on the field. one of the cows was named bill. he had a very big secret. he set the building on fire. guilt was eating him alive, he didn't mean to make the building go up in flames. he just wanted to bake a cake in the kitchen. he accidentally left it in the oven for to long and it burst into flames. He didn't know what to do so he ran back to the farm with the flames still roaring in the oven. As he watched the build burn down he had to tell someone about what he did. bill told wanda, a very old cow that had been like a grandmother to him. after he told wanda about what he had done he felt so relieved. his guilt had settled down quite a bit now. Wanda was appalled that bill had done something like that. she told bill that he had to tell the farmer so that he could tell the owner of the building.

Bill finally pulled himself together and told the farmer about the accident. The farm shockingly took the news very well. The farmer told the police.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“there once was a burning building that was behind a farm that was filled with cows.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the main characters. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“one of the cows was named bill. he had a very big secret. he set the building on fire. guilt was eating him alive, he didn't mean to make the building go up in flames. he just wanted to bake a cake in the kitchen. he accidentally left it in the oven for to long and it burst into flames.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“He didn't know what to do so he ran back to the farm with the flames still roaring in the oven. As he watched the build burn down he had to tell someone about what he did. bill told wanda, a very old cow that had been like a grandmother to him. after he told wanda about what he had done he felt so relieved. his guilt had settled down quite a bit now.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses what caused the smoky sky, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“there once was a burning building that was behind a farm that was filled with cows. they were very happy cows that liked to eat the green grass that grew on the field. one of the cows was named bill. he had a very big secret. he set the building on fire.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer’s attempt at describing the characters is inadequate. (“bill told wanda, a very old cow that had been like a grandmother to him.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“she told bill that he had to tell the farmer so that he could tell the owner of the building.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ there once was a burning building that was behind a farm that was filled with cows.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ As he watched the build burn down he had to tell someone about what he did. bill told wanda, a very old cow that had been like a grandmother to him. after he told wanda about what he had done he felt so relieved. his guilt had settled down quite a bit now.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal ending. The story fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ Bill finally pulled himself together and told the farmer about the accident. The farm shockingly took the news very well. The farmer told the police.”)

Language Use & Style

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative . (“ he just wanted to bake a cake in the kitchen. he accidentally left it in the oven for to long and it burst into flames. He didn't know what to do so he ran back to the farm with the flames still roaring in the oven. As he watched the build burn down he had to tell someone about what he did. bill told wanda, a very old cow that had been like a grandmother to him.”)

Some sentences are short. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ he set the building on fire. guilt was eating him alive, he didn't mean to make the building go up in flames. he just wanted to bake a cake in the kitchen. he accidentally left it in the oven for to long and it burst into flames.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. The writer’s use of the word “he,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ one of the cows was named bill. he had a very big secret. he set the building on fire. guilt was eating him alive, he didn't mean to make the building go up in flames. he just wanted to bake a cake in the kitchen. he accidentally left it in the oven for to long and it burst into flames. He didn't know what to do so he ran back to the farm with the flames still roaring in the oven.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“after he told wanda about what he had done he felt so relieved. his guilt had settled down quite a bit now.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was on Octover,9 in Arizona and It was me Ed and Goerge. So that day we dicide to go outside and hang out.

Then there was this big building an we went to see what was in there.So then we went inside and it was a car factory and we stay in there to see how they would make the car. Then there was a guy telling us to live the factory cause we could get heart so then we where going to live and across the street there was a pizzerria so we went to eat there.

When we got out of the pizzeria one side of the building just exploded cause there was a gas problem.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ It was on Octover,9 in Arizona and It was me Ed and Goerge. So that day we dicide to go outside and hang out.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“Then there was this big building an we went to see what was in there.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“So then we went inside and it was a car factory and we stay in there to see how they would make the car.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed , and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in their mind s . (“ Then there was this big building an we went to see what was in there.So then we went inside and it was a car factory and we stay in there to see how they would make the car.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“It was on Octover,9 in Arizona and It was me Ed and Goerge.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“Then there was a guy telling us to live the factory cause we could get heart so then we where going to live and across the street there was a pizzerria so we went to eat there”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the story is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, why the sky is smoky. (“ It was on Octover,9 in Arizona and It was me Ed and Goerge. So that day we dicide to go outside and hang out.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ Then there was this big building an we went to see what was in there.So then we went inside and it was a car factory and we stay in there to see how they would make the car. Then there was a guy telling us to live the factory cause we could get heart so then we where going to live and across the street there was a pizzerria so we went to eat there.”)

The story does not include an identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ When we got out of the pizzeria one side of the building just exploded cause there was a gas problem.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, there is no a wareness of audience , and there are noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ Then there was a guy telling us to live the factory cause we could get heart so then we where going to live and across the street there was a pizzerria so we went to eat there.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Then there was this big building an we went to see what was in there.So then we went inside and it was a car factory and we stay in there to see how they would make the car.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“It was on Octover,9 in Arizona and It was me Ed and Goerge. So that day we dicide to go outside and hang out.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the story exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The story is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Then there was a guy telling us to live the factory cause we could get heart so then we where going to live and across the street there was a pizzerria so we went to eat there.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Story Inspired by Harris Burdick Picture

Every picture tells a story, and the book The Mysteries of Harris Burdick is rich with pictures that inspire stories. Choose a picture from the book The Mysteries of Harris Burdick by Chris Van Allsburg. Use your imagination and experiences to write a structured narrative based on the picture you chose.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was like any other Saturday here in Huntington Beach, California. The sky loomed low over the city while the clouds cried large grey tears. In the distance there was the sound of thrashing tree branches, roaring thunder, and blaring car horns. Little did I know, this stormy afternoon would change my life forever.

My name is Ella, it is short for Gabriella, but I like to keep it short. I'm an average fifteen year old Californian girl. I love surfing, biking, and beach volleyball. I also have an older brother named Jason who spends most of his time with his best friend, Nate. We are always together; if you didn't know any better, you would think we were all siblings.

I walked slowly down the street towards the beach. I live my life on the beach. I spend most of my free time here. It calms me to just sit back and relax on the smooth sand. I stepped down the stairs and walked down the shore letting the foaming blue water wash over my feet. No one ever comes to the beach on rainy days like this although I have no idea why. Sitting down in the white sand, I watched the tide come in. The sea foam shimmered in the small rays of sun shining upon them. I gazed at the waves crashing down into the ocean. The white water raced forward like pure white horses galloping through lush fields.

I glanced at the sun sliding down the western sky. It had gotten late. It was probably around noon now and the tide was rolling in. I stood and dusted off my shorts, taking in the smell of the ocean spray. I let out a deep sigh and began to walk back toward the staircase. I stopped suddenly when I heard a strange ringing noise. Quickly spinning on my heel, I turned to find the source of the sound. I stared, awe-struck, as the ocean began to part down the center revealing glittering silver train tracks.

My eyes widened in surprise. What was this strange phenomenon? I took off toward the tracks, kicking up sand as I ran. I bent down and glided my hand down the steel. It was smooth, like a stained glass mosaic in a church window. This was odd; steel normally isn't so perfect. Metals usually have small infractions and imperfections, but this was pure silk.

I decided I better get Nate and Jason down here to check this out. I rushed back to the house where I knew I would find them. I yanked the front door open and slid into the living room.

"You've got to see this!" I gasped.

"Ella, I can't understand you when you're gasping." Jason replied.

Catching my breath, I grabbed their wrists and tugged the outside. I screeched to them as we sprinted down to the beach, "You're not going to believe this."

Finally reaching the tracks, Nate gasped for breath while Jason flopped over onto the sand.

"Why do you think it's here?" I asked.

"Well, there is only on way to find out." Nate returned.

"I don't think that's such a great idea." Jason added.

"Let's go." I said pushing him forward.

We trudged over the track into a misty fog lying over the sea. Water lapped at our feet and mist condensed onto our skin.

"What's that?" Jason asked, pointing toward a mysterious island coming into view.

We started to run down the track, resting occasionally to catch our breath. I placed my foot into the dew- filled grass. It was like I had stepped into a magical new world. The island was filled with green rolling hills, ponds the shined like mirrors, and flowers that glittered like diamonds. In the distance, I could see a large stone castle. It looked similar to all the castles I have ever read about in fairy tales.

We ventured around the island, crossing rope bridges, jumping stones, and swimming the rivers. Dripping wet, we stared up at the large ivory walls of the castle. I rubbed my hand against the smooth rock. This really was a fairy tale. I never dreamed that I would ever see a castle up close. It was pure magic.

I paced around the surrounding area, taking in all the beautiful sights. I wanted to just lay back and dream of what my life would be like if I lived here. I was looking at the intricate details of a pearl statue when something clinked beneath my shoe. I lifted my foot only to find a beautiful opaque shell the size of my fist. I picked it up and studied the slick surface. I could see my hand through it. It was like looking through glass into water. It was simply beautiful.

"Come on; it's getting late. Let's go." said Nate.

Not wanting to leave, I gave the castle one last long look. We started walking back toward the track when we heard a loud, thundering sound.

"What was that?" Jason asked, looking scared.

I whirled around, coming almost face to face with an obsidian black horse. His eyes gleamed, ruby red. He carried a silver saddle and bridal. He puffed air into my face as his face contorted in anger. I sucked in a breath to scream but Jason beat me to it.

"Run!" He screamed.

We sprinted toward the tracks; the horse was hot on our heels. It was a mistake coming to this island. All we did was anger the horse. I guessed he was the guardian of the enchanted island. He seemed to be herding us to the tracks. He was gaining on us; I could feel his hot, smoky breath on my back. It made all the hair on my neck stand up. How were we going to survive this? I thought. The horse was getting closer. I was breathing heavily as the tracked came into sight. Almost there, I told myself.

Our feet thudded against the steel rails of the tracks. The horse came to a fast stop. He glared at us as we traced our steps back toward the beach. As the pier was coming into view, I glanced back at the island, which was disappearing from sight. The waves were crashing over the tracks, making it hard to walk. I wondered if I would ever see the island again.

The island completely evaporated from our view. The island was truly enchanting and magical. I would forever tell the story of the mystical island that only appeared on stormy days in Huntington, California and the black stallion that guarded it and its secrets.

I would miss the island. I felt something heavy weighing down in my pocket. I reached in and grabbed the shell. I had forgotten it was there, a single beautiful memory to carry with me forever. I will never forget. I promised myself. Jason and Nate grabbed my hands and we smiled, remembering the fun, laughter, and screams that we had all shared. This was an adventure we would carry with us, forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective use of focus and meaning is provided in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases a story that clearly resonates with the Harris Burdick picture of the children on the train tracks.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen to the children who discover the train tracks. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are on the enchanted island as well. (“We started to run down the track, resting occasionally to catch our breath. I placed my foot into the dew- filled grass. It was like I had stepped into a magical new world. The island was filled with green rolling hills, ponds the shined like mirrors, and flowers that glittered like diamonds. In the distance, I could see a large stone castle. It looked similar to all the castles I have ever read about in fairy tales. We ventured around the island, crossing rope bridges, jumping stones, and swimming the rivers. Dripping wet, we stared up at the large ivory walls of the castle. I rubbed my hand against the smooth rock. This really was a fairy tale. I never dreamed that I would ever see a castle up close. It was pure magic.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the vivid scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the story. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences on the enchanted island. (“Not wanting to leave, I gave the castle one last long look. We started walking back toward the track when we heard a loud, thundering sound. ‘What was that?’ Jason asked, looking scared. I whirled around, coming almost face to face with an obsidian black horse. His eyes gleamed, ruby red. He carried a silver saddle and bridal. He puffed air into my face as his face contorted in anger. I sucked in a breath to scream but Jason beat me to it. ‘Run!’ He screamed.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the main characters’ experiences. (“We sprinted toward the tracks; the horse was hot on our heels. It was a mistake coming to this island. All we did was anger the horse. I guessed he was the guardian of the enchanted island. He seemed to be herding us to the tracks. He was gaining on us; I could feel his hot, smoky breath on my back. It made all the hair on my neck stand up. How were we going to survive this? I thought. The horse was getting closer. I was breathing heavily as the tracked came into sight. Almost there, I told myself. Our feet thudded against the steel rails of the tracks. The horse came to a fast stop. He glared at us as we traced our steps back toward the beach. As the pier was coming into view, I glanced back at the island, which was disappearing from sight. The waves were crashing over the tracks, making it hard to walk. I wondered if I would ever see the island again.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting, with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the discovery of the island and the main characters’ experiences when confronted by the horse. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. (“I decided I better get Nate and Jason down here to check this out. I rushed back to the house where I knew I would find them. I yanked the front door open and slid into the living room. ‘You've got to see this!’ I gasped. ‘Ella, I can't understand you when you're gasping.’ Jason replied. Catching my breath, I grabbed their wrists and tugged the outside. I screeched to them as we sprinted down to the beach, ‘You're not going to believe this.’ Finally reaching the tracks, Nate gasped for breath while Jason flopped over onto the sand.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the main character sitting on the beach admiring the view, and then she discovers a silver train track. (“Sitting down in the white sand, I watched the tide come in. The sea foam shimmered in the small rays of sun shining upon them. I gazed at the waves crashing down into the ocean. The white water raced forward like pure white horses galloping through lush fields. I glanced at the sun sliding down the western sky. It had gotten late. It was probably around noon now and the tide was rolling in. I stood and dusted off my shorts, taking in the smell of the ocean spray. I let out a deep sigh and began to walk back toward the staircase. I stopped suddenly when I heard a strange ringing noise. Quickly spinning on my heel, I turned to find the source of the sound. I stared, awe-struck, as the ocean began to part down the center revealing glittering silver train tracks.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the island discovery, and the subsequent struggle to escape it, throughout the narrative. (“I whirled around, coming almost face to face with an obsidian black horse. His eyes gleamed, ruby red. He carried a silver saddle and bridal. He puffed air into my face as his face contorted in anger. I sucked in a breath to scream but Jason beat me to it. ‘Run!’ He screamed. We sprinted toward the tracks; the horse was hot on our heels. It was a mistake coming to this island. All we did was anger the horse. I guessed he was the guardian of the enchanted island. He seemed to be herding us to the tracks. He was gaining on us; I could feel his hot, smoky breath on my back. It made all the hair on my neck stand up. How were we going to survive this? I thought. The horse was getting closer. I was breathing heavily as the tracked came into sight.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a creative and engaging opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and an ending is provided that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a stormy day that would be life changing. (“It was like any other Saturday here in Huntington Beach, California. The sky loomed low over the city while the clouds cried large grey tears. In the distance there was the sound of thrashing tree branches, roaring thunder, and blaring car horns. Little did I know, this stormy afternoon would change my life forever.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“We trudged over the track into a misty fog lying over the sea. Water lapped at our feet and mist condensed onto our skin. ‘What's that?’ Jason asked, pointing toward a mysterious island coming into view. We started to run down the track, resting occasionally to catch our breath. I placed my foot into the dew- filled grass. It was like I had stepped into a magical new world. The island was filled with green rolling hills, ponds the shined like mirrors, and flowers that glittered like diamonds. In the distance, I could see a large stone castle. It looked similar to all the castles I have ever read about in fairy tales.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the memories created by the special adventure. (“I would miss the island. I felt something heavy weighing down in my pocket. I reached in and grabbed the shell. I had forgotten it was there, a single beautiful memory to carry with me forever. I will never forget. I promised myself. Jason and Nate grabbed my hands and we smiled, remembering the fun, laughter, and screams that we had all shared. This was an adventure we would carry with us, forever.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the main character’s experiences escaping from the enchanted island. (“ Our feet thudded against the steel rails of the tracks. The horse came to a fast stop. He glared at us as we traced our steps back toward the beach. As the pier was coming into view, I glanced back at the island, which was disappearing from sight. The waves were crashing over the tracks, making it hard to walk. I wondered if I would ever see the island again. The island completely evaporated from our view. The island was truly enchanting and magical. I would forever tell the story of the mystical island that only appeared on stormy days in Huntington, California and the black stallion that guarded it and its secrets.”)

The writer’s use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ We ventured around the island, crossing rope bridges, jumping stones, and swimming the rivers. Dripping wet, we stared up at the large ivory walls of the castle. I rubbed my hand against the smooth rock. This really was a fairy tale. I never dreamed that I would ever see a castle up close. It was pure magic. I paced around the surrounding area, taking in all the beautiful sights. I wanted to just lay back and dream of what my life would be like if I lived here. I was looking at the intricate details of a pearl statue when something clinked beneath my shoe. I lifted my foot only to find a beautiful opaque shell the size of my fist. I picked it up and studied the slick surface. I could see my hand through it. It was like looking through glass into water. It was simply beautiful.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the main characters’ anxieties as the horse was gaining on the three friends. (“ We sprinted toward the tracks; the horse was hot on our heels. It was a mistake coming to this island. All we did was anger the horse. I guessed he was the guardian of the enchanted island. He seemed to be herding us to the tracks. He was gaining on us; I could feel his hot, smoky breath on my back. It made all the hair on my neck stand up. How were we going to survive this? I thought. The horse was getting closer. I was breathing heavily as the tracked came into sight. Almost there, I told myself.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ I paced around the surrounding area, taking in all the beautiful sights. I wanted to just lay back and dream of what my life would be like if I lived here. I was looking at the intricate details of a pearl statue when something clinked beneath my shoe. I lifted my foot only to find a beautiful opaque shell the size of my fist. I picked it up and studied the slick surface. I could see my hand through it. It was like looking through glass into water. It was simply beautiful.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Timothy and Curtis Ross lived in apartment number 259. People often mistook them for twins being only a year apart at ten and eleven years old. The building they lived in was old with creaky floors and thin walls which made it a very loud building to live in. Everyone in the building knew one another and usually became good friends. The one exception was Mr. Hunter the odd grump who lived right below them in apartment 159.

One day in early January at about 7:00 pm came a loud banging from below them. It sounded as though an elephant had entered the building. Timothy and Curtis ran down the steps to Mr. Hunter's front door. They knocked once and then knocked again as hard as they could. There was no response but silence. They tried knocking once more but gave up after a few minutes.

The next day Timothy woke Curtis up early and asked him to go and talk to Mr. Hunter with him. Curtis laid there and moaned for a few seconds. Finally giving in he got up and readied himself for the adventure he was about to go on with his little brother. They descended the steps and ran into Mr. Hunter who was leaving for a long day of accounting. Timothy was first to speak up, "Mr. Hunter."

"Yes boys, what is it," an annoyed Mr. Hunter replied.

"We heard noises coming from your apartment last night."

"I have no idea what you are speaking of," Mr. Hunter growled as he walked away. The boys turned back up the steps confused. Curtis turned to Timothy and quietly whispered, "What if it came from somewhere else? We might have just imagined it."

Two weeks passed and it happened again. The loud banging rang up from the floor. Timothy and Curtis stared at one another wordlessly deciding what their next action was to be. They bounced out of their seats and bolted out the door. They dashed down the steps to Mr. Hunter's door once again. This time, they tried opening the door. It soundlessly swung open and the boys stood staring into the darkness of the apartment in front of them.

"Should we go in?" Timothy whispered.

Curtis managed to stutter, "You go first."

The boys peered around the corner and saw a dim light casting shadows on the scene before them. Mr. Hunter was standing in the center of the room, a chair held high above his head. Mr. Hunter smashed the chair down on the carpet one last time before he noticed the boys standing in the doorway, shocked expressions on their faces. Mr. Hunter ran over to them muttering something about a rat under the carpet.

The boys peered around the room making sure to carefully inspect the carpet. The boys looked at each other and at Mr. Hunter. Neither of them had seen any rats in the room. "Get out, get out," Mr. Hunter screamed. The boys turned and raced back upstairs. Later that night, both boys decided not to tell anyone about their experience with Mr. Hunter and his imagination.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. He/she demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Additionally, the writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the Harris Burdick picture of the man and the lump in the rug. (“Timothy and Curtis Ross lived in apartment number 259. People often mistook them for twins being only a year apart at ten and eleven years old. The building they lived in was old with creaky floors and thin walls which made it a very loud building to live in. Everyone in the building knew one another and usually became good friends. The one exception was Mr. Hunter the odd grump who lived right below them in apartment 159. One day in early January at about 7:00 pm came a loud banging from below them. It sounded as though an elephant had entered the building.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“The next day Timothy woke Curtis up early and asked him to go and talk to Mr. Hunter with him. Curtis laid there and moaned for a few seconds. Finally giving in he got up and readied himself for the adventure he was about to go on with his little brother. They descended the steps and ran into Mr. Hunter who was leaving for a long day of accounting. Timothy was first to speak up, ‘Mr. Hunter.’ ‘Yes boys, what is it,’ an annoyed Mr. Hunter replied. ‘We heard noises coming from your apartment last night.’”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides details that reveal what Mr. Hunter is battling within the confines of his apartment. (“The boys peered around the corner and saw a dim light casting shadows on the scene before them. Mr. Hunter was standing in the center of the room, a chair held high above his head. Mr. Hunter smashed the chair down on the carpet one last time before he noticed the boys standing in the doorway, shocked expressions on their faces. Mr. Hunter ran over to them muttering something about a rat under the carpet. The boys peered around the room making sure to carefully inspect the carpet. The boys looked at each other and at Mr. Hunter.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main characters as they try to discover what is going on in their neighbor’s apartment. (“One day in early January at about 7:00 pm came a loud banging from below them. It sounded as though an elephant had entered the building. Timothy and Curtis ran down the steps to Mr. Hunter's front door. They knocked once and then knocked again as hard as they could. There was no response but silence. They tried knocking once more but gave up after a few minutes. The next day Timothy woke Curtis up early and asked him to go and talk to Mr. Hunter with him. Curtis laid there and moaned for a few seconds. Finally giving in he got up and readied himself for the adventure he was about to go on with his little brother. They descended the steps and ran into Mr. Hunter who was leaving for a long day of accounting. Timothy was first to speak up, ‘Mr. Hunter.’”)

The writer includes details that clearly convey how intimidated the boys are by their neighbor. (“‘Yes boys, what is it,’ an annoyed Mr. Hunter replied. ‘We heard noises coming from your apartment last night.’ ‘I have no idea what you are speaking of,’ Mr. Hunter growled as he walked away. The boys turned back up the steps confused. Curtis turned to Timothy and quietly whispered, ‘What if it came from somewhere else? We might have just imagined it.’”)

Dialogue effectively communicates how all the characters are feeling and what they are thinking throughout the narrative. (“‘Should we go in?’ Timothy whispered. Curtis managed to stutter, ‘You go first.’ The boys peered around the corner and saw a dim light casting shadows on the scene before them. Mr. Hunter was standing in the center of the room, a chair held high above his head. Mr. Hunter smashed the chair down on the carpet one last time before he noticed the boys standing in the doorway, shocked expressions on their faces. Mr. Hunter ran over to them muttering something about a rat under the carpet.

The boys peered around the room making sure to carefully inspect the carpet. The boys looked at each other and at Mr. Hunter. Neither of them had seen any rats in the room. ‘Get out, get out,’ Mr. Hunter screamed.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Timothy and Curtis Ross lived in apartment number 259. People often mistook them for twins being only a year apart at ten and eleven years old. The building they lived in was old with creaky floors and thin walls which made it a very loud building to live in. Everyone in the building knew one another and usually became good friends. The one exception was Mr. Hunter the odd grump who lived right below them in apartment 159.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ One day in early January at about 7:00 pm came a loud banging from below them. It sounded as though an elephant had entered the building. Timothy and Curtis ran down the steps to Mr. Hunter's front door. They knocked once and then knocked again as hard as they could. There was no response but silence. They tried knocking once more but gave up after a few minutes. The next day Timothy woke Curtis up early and asked him to go and talk to Mr. Hunter with him.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ The boys peered around the room making sure to carefully inspect the carpet. The boys looked at each other and at Mr. Hunter. Neither of them had seen any rats in the room. ‘Get out, get out,’ Mr. Hunter screamed. The boys turned and raced back upstairs. Later that night, both boys decided not to tell anyone about their experience with Mr. Hunter and his imagination.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The next day Timothy woke Curtis up early and asked him to go and talk to Mr. Hunter with him. Curtis laid there and moaned for a few seconds. Finally giving in he got up and readied himself for the adventure he was about to go on with his little brother. They descended the steps and ran into Mr. Hunter who was leaving for a long day of accounting. Timothy was first to speak up, ‘Mr. Hunter.’ ‘Yes boys, what is it,’ an annoyed Mr. Hunter replied. ‘We heard noises coming from your apartment last night.’”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ Two weeks passed and it happened again. The loud banging rang up from the floor. Timothy and Curtis stared at one another wordlessly deciding what their next action was to be. They bounced out of their seats and bolted out the door. They dashed down the steps to Mr. Hunter's door once again. This time, they tried opening the door. It soundlessly swung open and the boys stood staring into the darkness of the apartment in front of them.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the experiences of the two boys as they try to solve the mystery of the man and the noises in his apartment. (“ The boys peered around the room making sure to carefully inspect the carpet. The boys looked at each other and at Mr. Hunter. Neither of them had seen any rats in the room. ‘Get out, get out,’ Mr. Hunter screamed. The boys turned and raced back upstairs. Later that night, both boys decided not to tell anyone about their experience with Mr. Hunter and his imagination.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ The boys peered around the corner and saw a dim light casting shadows on the scene before them. Mr. Hunter was standing in the center of the room, a chair held high above his head. Mr. Hunter smashed the chair down on the carpet one last time before he noticed the boys standing in the doorway, shocked expressions on their faces. Mr. Hunter ran over to them muttering something about a rat under the carpet.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Those Scary Aliens

It all started one Sunday afternoon when two Nuns were casually taking a stroll down a hall. Once they got into the main chamber, they were startled to see a floating figure sitting in a chair above them. The Nuns tried to speak to the figure they thought was a fellow Nun, but alas, they gave up knowing that the figure would not answer them. "Hello, how did you get up there Ma'am?" yelled the Nun known as Sister Darcy.

But as expected, there came no answer. At that point the Nuns were becoming afraid that the Nun floating above them was in grave peril, so they decided to get a ladder from the storage closet. When Sister Janet came back with the ladder, the two Nuns tried to get the ladder up to the fellow Nun that was above them. As soon as the ladder got up to Sister Lila, the Nun looked down at them puzzled to see that she was so far off of the ground.

Sister Lila was about to get onto the ladder when something supernatural happened. The ladder turned to locusts which scared the living popsicle out of Sister Lila. Lila was about to fall when another supernatural thing happened, the roof of the church was torn from the building. As large chunks of the roof fell, Lila went up into the mother ship that was floating above them.

Lila looked down at her two companions that used too go everywhere with her but at that moment a particular piece of roof came from the sky and knocked her senseless. "AAAAAAA!!!" yelled the Nuns as they ran to dial nine one one, but they were too late as the phone had already been crushed by the car sized chunks of roof. As the two Nuns were rushing out of the building, they were thankful that there had been no one else in the church. The two Nuns ran as fast as they could to find a spare phone but realized that the air force was already trailing the alien mother ship.

The pilot of a A 20 Raptor was as confused as all of the other pilots and yelled into his microphone "Guys, this isn't what I signed up for!" "I don't think any of us did" replied the pilot of an A 6 Destroyer. As the pilots flew they saw that dozens of crop circles had been made in a near by corn field. "Dispatch Nine Nine we need a welcome wagon to hurry to the corn field on the west side of town" said the pilot of the Raptor.

"Copy that Eagle six" the driver of a "Welcome Wagon" replied. And once the Welcome Wagon arrived, he saw what was most likely the scariest thing he would ever see, the mother ship was landing. The owner of the nearby farm came out of his house and asked what all the ruckus was about. "You see sir, this is the start of an alien invasion." said the driver of the welcome wagon. And once the farmer heard that he was inside his house in no time flat.

Meanwhile, Sister Lila woke up inside the mother ship and saw what see thought was a dream. There were about twenty aliens all around her and two more driving the ship. She asked if this was a dream but the aliens replied in a language she could not understand but at that point the military broke in. They used new handcuff shooting guns too handcuff all of the aliens and escorted them to area 51 where they would be studied.

But in the end, Sister Lila was reunited with her fellow Nuns and they all had a party because Lila was ok.

The End...or is it?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“It all started one Sunday afternoon when two Nuns were casually taking a stroll down a hall. Once they got into the main chamber, they were startled to see a floating figure sitting in a chair above them. The Nuns tried to speak to the figure they thought was a fellow Nun, but alas, they gave up knowing that the figure would not answer them. ‘Hello, how did you get up there Ma'am?’ yelled the Nun known as Sister Darcy. But as expected, there came no answer. At that point the Nuns were becoming afraid that the Nun floating above them was in grave peril, so they decided to get a ladder from the storage closet.”)

The writer focuses on the Harris Burdick picture of the nun floating in the air throughout the narrative. (“Lila looked down at her two companions that used too go everywhere with her but at that moment a particular piece of roof came from the sky and knocked her senseless. ‘AAAAAAA!!!’ yelled the Nuns as they ran to dial nine one one, but they were too late as the phone had already been crushed by the car sized chunks of roof. As the two Nuns were rushing out of the building, they were thankful that there had been no one else in the church. The two Nuns ran as fast as they could to find a spare phone but realized that the air force was already trailing the alien mother ship.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“At that point the Nuns were becoming afraid that the Nun floating above them was in grave peril, so they decided to get a ladder from the storage closet. When Sister Janet came back with the ladder, the two Nuns tried to get the ladder up to the fellow Nun that was above them. As soon as the ladder got up to Sister Lila, the Nun looked down at them puzzled to see that she was so far off of the ground. Sister Lila was about to get onto the ladder when something supernatural happened. The ladder turned to locusts which scared the living popsicle out of Sister Lila. Lila was about to fall when another supernatural thing happened, the roof of the church was torn from the building. As large chunks of the roof fell, Lila went up into the mother ship that was floating above them.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The plot holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“‘Copy that Eagle six’ the driver of a ‘Welcome Wagon’ replied. And once the Welcome Wagon arrived, he saw what was most likely the scariest thing he would ever see, the mother ship was landing. The owner of the nearby farm came out of his house and asked what all the ruckus was about. ‘You see sir, this is the start of an alien invasion.’ said the driver of the welcome wagon. And once the farmer heard that he was inside his house in no time flat.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“The ladder turned to locusts which scared the living popsicle out of Sister Lila. Lila was about to fall when another supernatural thing happened, the roof of the church was torn from the building. As large chunks of the roof fell, Lila went up into the mother ship that was floating above them.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when Sister Lila wakes up in the spaceship and the military comes to rescue her. (“Meanwhile, Sister Lila woke up inside the mother ship and saw what see thought was a dream. There were about twenty aliens all around her and two more driving the ship. She asked if this was a dream but the aliens replied in a language she could not understand but at that point the military broke in. They used new handcuff shooting guns too handcuff all of the aliens and escorted them to area 51 where they would be studied.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the narrative. The writer provides an opening to the story that engages readers to keep reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending is adequate and gives the readers something to consider.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by detailing the moment the main characters discover a nun floating high in the air. By doing so in the very beginning, the readers know which Harris Burdick picture the writer is referring to in the narrative. (“ It all started one Sunday afternoon when two Nuns were casually taking a stroll down a hall. Once they got into the main chamber, they were startled to see a floating figure sitting in a chair above them. The Nuns tried to speak to the figure they thought was a fellow Nun, but alas, they gave up knowing that the figure would not answer them. ‘Hello, how did you get up there Ma'am?’ yelled the Nun known as Sister Darcy.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“As the two Nuns were rushing out of the building, they were thankful that there had been no one else in the church. The two Nuns ran as fast as they could to find a spare phone but realized that the air force was already trailing the alien mother ship. The pilot of a A 20 Raptor was as confused as all of the other pilots and yelled into his microphone ‘Guys, this isn't what I signed up for!’ ‘I don't think any of us did’ replied the pilot of an A 6 Destroyer. As the pilots flew they saw that dozens of crop circles had been made in a near by corn field. ‘Dispatch Nine Nine we need a welcome wagon to hurry to the corn field on the west side of town’ said the pilot of the Raptor.”)

The story comes to a logical, albeit brief, conclusion and leaves the readers with a question at the very end. (“ But in the end, Sister Lila was reunited with her fellow Nuns and they all had a party because Lila was ok. The End...or is it?”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Sister Lila was about to get onto the ladder when something supernatural happened. The ladder turned to locusts which scared the living popsicle out of Sister Lila. Lila was about to fall when another supernatural thing happened, the roof of the church was torn from the building. As large chunks of the roof fell, Lila went up into the mother ship that was floating above them.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that adequately describes the moment the main characters discover a nun floating high above their heads. (“ But as expected, there came no answer. At that point the Nuns were becoming afraid that the Nun floating above them was in grave peril, so they decided to get a ladder from the storage closet. When Sister Janet came back with the ladder, the two Nuns tried to get the ladder up to the fellow Nun that was above them. As soon as the ladder got up to Sister Lila, the Nun looked down at them puzzled to see that she was so far off of the ground.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ Meanwhile, Sister Lila woke up inside the mother ship and saw what see thought was a dream. There were about twenty aliens all around her and two more driving the ship. She asked if this was a dream but the aliens replied in a language she could not understand but at that point the military broke in. They used new handcuff shooting guns too handcuff all of the aliens and escorted them to area 51 where they would be studied.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ Lila looked down at her two companions that used too go everywhere with her but at that moment a particular piece of roof came from the sky and knocked her senseless. ‘AAAAAAA!!!’ yelled the Nuns as they ran to dial nine one one, but they were too late as the phone had already been crushed by the car sized chunks of roof.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"Take out the trash Alex!" dad said. Ok ok Im getting to it, let me finish my extremely hard homework and then I will take out the trash. I'm a busy kid with school, chores and even my social life, I don't have time for this! As I do my homework I listen to music to help me concentrate and not here every single bang and crash that's happening around me. As I was doing in my homework I noticed a lot of police just up the street from my house!

I ran outside and got as close as they would let me to the crime scene and through the blinding glare out the police and ambulance. I could just see a man covered in blood and they were desperately trying to clean him up so he could be transported to the hospital, maybe by a helicopter! But a couple feet away I could see a little plastic marker that said "3" on it and next to it were untouched bullet shells! I don't think I could of heard the blasting pooping sounds of a gun if I was inside trying to hurry through my homework with music playing.

So i was told to go home by one of the police officers so i did and a couple minutes later they took him away in an ambulance and i went back inside to watch a movie and relax, i was watching the movie, eating popcorn and by now it was almost 7:00pm. I was starting to fall asleep and then, i heard some loud rustling up stairs and nobody is home right now, Maddie is at her friends house spending the night, and my parents are going out to dinner with some friends of theirs. So i was left home alone.

I grabbed my knife, and my phone ready to call for 911 if anything goes wrong. I cautiously walked up the stairs to the door to my kitchen. It has a big enough gap between the door and the floor to see through so i looked through it but didn't see anything, I then herd the sound up stairs in my mom's room and decided to go check it out. But I was hungry at the time so I grabbed some chips and headed up stairs. In my moms room was a really, really big lump under the carpet, so i through my knife on the bed and lifted up the carpet, and i was not expecting what happen next. It was a raccoon and her baby's feeding on some food they took from our house, I think they were under there for warmth. When she saw me she hissed and jumped at me so I hit her with a heavy chair and now I could sleep in peace.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the Harris Burdick picture selected. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer does not state the main event of the picture until the very end of the narrative. (“I grabbed my knife, and my phone ready to call for 911 if anything goes wrong. I cautiously walked up the stairs to the door to my kitchen. It has a big enough gap between the door and the floor to see through so i looked through it but didn't see anything, I then herd the sound up stairs in my mom's room and decided to go check it out.”)

The writer focuses limited details on the actual Harris Burdick picture. He/she creates a scenario with police activity that does not relate to the Harris Burdick picture in any way and only devotes content to the lump under the rug at the end of the narrative. (“In my moms room was a really, really big lump under the carpet, so i through my knife on the bed and lifted up the carpet, and i was not expecting what happen next. It was a raccoon and her baby's feeding on some food they took from our house, I think they were under there for warmth. When she saw me she hissed and jumped at me so I hit her with a heavy chair and now I could sleep in peace.”)

The writer provides limited examples. By providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“I was starting to fall asleep and then, i heard some loud rustling up stairs and nobody is home right now, Maddie is at her friends house spending the night, and my parents are going out to dinner with some friends of theirs. So i was left home alone. I grabbed my knife, and my phone ready to call for 911 if anything goes wrong. I cautiously walked up the stairs to the door to my kitchen. It has a big enough gap between the door and the floor to see through so i looked through it but didn't see anything, I then herd the sound up stairs in my mom's room and decided to go check it out.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters, and it lacks sufficient details to enhance the overall story. The writer discusses police activity outside the home but does not develop ideas pertaining to the Harris Burdick picture showing what may be hiding under the rug until the very end of the story. Additionally, the writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“In my moms room was a really, really big lump under the carpet, so i through my knife on the bed and lifted up the carpet, and i was not expecting what happen next. It was a raccoon and her baby's feeding on some food they took from our house, I think they were under there for warmth.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces parents and police officers into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“So i was told to go home by one of the police officers so i did and a couple minutes later they took him away in an ambulance and i went back inside to watch a movie and relax, i was watching the movie, eating popcorn and by now it was almost 7:00pm. I was starting to fall asleep and then, i heard some loud rustling up stairs and nobody is home right now, Maddie is at her friends house spending the night, and my parents are going out to dinner with some friends of theirs. So i was left home alone.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“‘Take out the trash Alex!’ dad said. Ok ok Im getting to it, let me finish my extremely hard homework and then I will take out the trash. I'm a busy kid with school, chores and even my social life, I don't have time for this!”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial scenario of a boy trying to do his homework amidst police activity outside his home. (“ ‘Take out the trash Alex!’ dad said. Ok ok Im getting to it, let me finish my extremely hard homework and then I will take out the trash. I'm a busy kid with school, chores and even my social life, I don't have time for this! As I do my homework I listen to music to help me concentrate and not here every single bang and crash that's happening around me. As I was doing in my homework I noticed a lot of police just up the street from my house!”)

Subtle transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ I ran outside and got as close as they would let me to the crime scene and through the blinding glare out the police and ambulance. I could just see a man covered in blood and they were desperately trying to clean him up so he could be transported to the hospital, maybe by a helicopter! But a couple feet away I could see a little plastic marker that said "3" on it and next to it were untouched bullet shells!”)

The writer provides an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer reveals what happens to the raccoon he finds hiding under the rug. (“ It was a raccoon and her baby's feeding on some food they took from our house, I think they were under there for warmth. When she saw me she hissed and jumped at me so I hit her with a heavy chair and now I could sleep in peace.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. (“ I'm a busy kid with school, chores and even my social life, I don't have time for this!”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

There are run-on sentences in the story as well. (“So i was told to go home by one of the police officers so i did and a couple minutes later they took him away in an ambulance and i went back inside to watch a movie and relax, i was watching the movie, eating popcorn and by now it was almost 7:00pm.”)

The writer demonstrates limited voice and style in the narrative. (“ I grabbed my knife, and my phone ready to call for 911 if anything goes wrong. I cautiously walked up the stairs to the door to my kitchen. It has a big enough gap between the door and the floor to see through so i looked through it but didn't see anything, I then herd the sound up stairs in my mom's room and decided to go check it out. But I was hungry at the time so I grabbed some chips and headed up stairs. In my moms room was a really, really big lump under the carpet, so i through my knife on the bed and lifted up the carpet, and i was not expecting what happen next.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“So i was told to go home by one of the police officers so i did and a couple minutes later they took him away in an ambulance and i went back inside to watch a movie and relax, i was watching the movie, eating popcorn and by now it was almost 7:00pm. I was starting to fall asleep and then, i heard some loud rustling up stairs and nobody is home right now, Maddie is at her friends house spending the night, and my parents are going out to dinner with some friends of theirs.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

the harp

"what are we doing?" I had to know, why John had dragged me out of bed so early. It was almost two o'clock in the morning. John is my twin, and though I'm practically a female copy of him, our personalities are opposites. he loves to be outside no matter the weather. He is also part of every sports club in the town we live in. While I prefer to read or write. The one thing both of us love is a good adventure.

"Just wait, it's not safe to discuss it here," he replied as he glanced around. I couldn't help but look around as well, wondering what he was looking for. He lead me out of town to the woods beyond, where we finally stopped. After looking around once again he exclaimed, "I've found it! finnally this time I really have."

"What have you found? Why isit so important as to interupt my sleep!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story minimally states the main event of the story. (“After looking around once again he exclaimed, ‘I've found it! finnally this time I really have.’”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the harp that the characters have found and the consequences of the discovery. The story simply does not sufficiently answer these questions for readers. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“‘What have you found? Why isit so important as to interupt my sleep!”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“‘what are we doing?’ I had to know, why John had dragged me out of bed so early. It was almost two o'clock in the morning.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses that the characters discovered something, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“He lead me out of town to the woods beyond, where we finally stopped. After looking around once again he exclaimed, ‘I've found it! finnally this time I really have.’”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer only minimally describes the main characters. (“John is my twin, and though I'm practically a female copy of him, our personalities are opposites. he loves to be outside no matter the weather. He is also part of every sports club in the town we live in. While I prefer to read or write. The one thing both of us love is a good adventure.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“‘What have you found? Why isit so important as to interupt my sleep!”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the lack of setting, plot, and character development hinders the whole story. (“ "what are we doing?" I had to know, why John had dragged me out of bed so early.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“‘ Just wait, it's not safe to discuss it here," he replied as he glanced around. I couldn't help but look around as well, wondering what he was looking for. He lead me out of town to the woods beyond, where we finally stopped. After looking around once again he exclaimed, "I've found it! finnally this time I really have.’”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story is incomplete and leaves readers with no sense of closure. (“ ‘What have you found? Why isit so important as to interupt my sleep!”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ the harp ‘what are we doing?’ I had to know, why John had dragged me out of bed so early.”)

There are sentence fragments in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the story. (“ While I prefer to read or write.”)

Although there is an occasional attempt at more sophisticated language use, the overall language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structures do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ he loves to be outside no matter the weather. He is also part of every sports club in the town we live in. While I prefer to read or write. The one thing both of us love is a good adventure.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the narrative. There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s story.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. (“He lead me out of town to the woods beyond, where we finally stopped. After looking around once again he exclaimed, ‘I've found it! finnally this time I really have.’ ‘What have you found? Why isit so important as to interupt my sleep!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Under The Rug

There an old man how was geting ready for bed. He walked into his room and steaped on something so he looked down at the floor and saw a demend. The demend was knock out. Ten minits later, the demend wock up and started to chaing the old man. The old man maniged to get the demend to go way, for now. Three years have past, "I not seen the demend in forever." thought, The old, "I wunder if I will seen the demend." he underd.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, a scenario is briefly stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main event of the story. (“ There an old man how was geting ready for bed. He walked into his room and steaped on something so he looked down at the floor and saw a demend.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“The demend was knock out. Ten minits later, the demend wock up and started to chaing the old man.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“The old man maniged to get the demend to go way, for now.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps the readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ He walked into his room and steaped on something so he looked down at the floor and saw a demend.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“There an old man how was geting ready for bed.”)

There is some dialogue that reveals what the character thinks or says out loud, but it is not coherent and does not add to the flow of events occurring in the story. (“Three years have past, ‘I not seen the demend in forever.’ thought, The old, ‘I wunder if I will seen the demend.’ he underd.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a coherent story about a man using a lamp to hit something under a rug. (“ There an old man how was geting ready for bed. He walked into his room and steaped on something so he looked down at the floor and saw a demend.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time and sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ The old man maniged to get the demend to go way, for now. Three years have past, ‘I not seen the demend in forever.’”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ The old, ‘I wunder if I will seen the demend.’ he underd.”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ There an old man how was geting ready for bed. He walked into his room and steaped on something so he looked down at the floor and saw a demend.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Three years have past, "I not seen the demend in forever." thought, The old, ‘I wunder if I will seen the demend.’ he underd.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“The demend was knock out. Ten minits later, the demend wock up and started to chaing the old man. The old man maniged to get the demend to go way, for now.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the narrative. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s story.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Best Present I Ever Received!

Think about a time in your life when you received a gift that stood out from all the others. Write a story about this gift.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The ground was covered with white fluffy snow. It was cold and the air was crisp. Christmas Eve was coming fast and Santa was on his way! We were driving home from my grandma’s house that night. I told my daddy to hurry because I wanted my presents! That year, my 8 year old self was good for Santa. Laura, my sister, was about 12 and we were excited for what awaited us in those sparkly, wrapped presents sitting peacefully underneath the gleaming Christmas tree.

Arriving in our snow-covered driveway, my family sat and gazed at our gingerbread lighted house. I then announced that everyone was going to hurry in, go to their rooms and put on their pajamas, then report to the living room where I would begin playing 'Santa' , carefully passing out all of those shining presents. Do you think they listened to an over excited 8 year old? No, they didn’t. They took their sweet time when I was running around the house looking like a chicken telling everyone to hurry up! When the clock rang 8 o’clock, everyone was in the living room, in their best Christmas pajamas, and ready to start. My daddy turned on the TV and flipped it to the annual movie that always played rerun after rerun on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The movie was called "A Christmas Story". He then recited a line from the movie that when you hear it over and over, starts getting annoying. 'You’re going to shoot your eye out, kid!'

Excitedly, I put on the familiar red hat with a smile on my face and grabbed the first present I saw. "Laura, this present is yours!" "Mom, this one is yours!" "This one says daddy on it!" After fifteen more minutes of that, we finally had all our presents distributed. I hadn’t even opened any of my gifts yet, and already my face was beaming with joy.

As expected, Laura and I tore open every present and we were tossing Santa wrapping paper everywhere. I had a bow on my head too. Of course, we both got the normal amount of clothes, we both got calendars, a game or two, and we both received sweet, pink, plastic blow up chairs! That was close to the best present I had ever gotten, but there was more to come! We had our dad blow up both chairs and we grabbed the new mini snowman pillows we both got and we were told to sit in our chairs because they wanted to tell us something. I had no idea what it was going to be. Maybe we were getting the pink pony every little girl dreamed of. Maybe we were going on vacation to a warm and sunny place. I didn’t know what to expect. That night, my dad had on a green shirt with a pocket and that’s when I noticed something was sticking out of his pocket. They took forever to finally get to the point; it was agonizing!

Lazily, Laura and I sat there, in our new pink blow up chairs with snowman pillows in our laps, waiting for them to say something. My mom began to speak. "Now, your dad and I think that you two are going to really like this final Christmas present you will get from us. Kim, Garrett, and Logan will also be coming. Here you are." She handed us the mystery items out of daddy’s pocket. Laura and I looked at them a bit puzzled, but Laura finally read what was on the small ticket stub, “Back-Street Boys Concert- January 15th, 2002 at 8:30 p.m. at the Van Andy Stadium,” she read aloud.

We went totally crazy! We were going to the Back-Street Boys! I’ve always dreamed about going to a Back-Street Boys concert. They were my favorite singers [and for the most part, still are] and I was going to one of their concerts! I had a flashback of riding in Kim’s truck with her two boys and Laura; we were always singing along to the Back-Street Boys CD that we loved so much. I was filled with joy and happiness. I almost thought I was going to bust my new pink blow up chair because I was bobbing up and down so much! My mom then told us the whole story of how she and Kim received the tickets. They said that they woke up very early one morning and went and stood in a line at Rite Aid in the freezing, cold snow. I never knew that my mom would actually do something as wildly crazy as that for our Christmas present.

To this day, I still can remember that Christmas Eve when we received the tickets of a lifetime. Even though our pink plastic chairs are long gone into oblivion, the T-shirt I purchased from the concert is too small, no one knows where the ticket stubs disappeared to, and the Back-Street boys aren’t the originals anymore, I still have the fondest memory of standing in the Van Andy Stadium on January 15 screaming and flailing about with exuberance and excitement. The concert was amazing, just like the Back-street Boys themselves. It will always be for me, the best Christmas present I ever received!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay response. Through the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases a moment in time when the excitement of a Christmas morning was surpassed by receiving the best present ever.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer cleverly builds anticipation. Readers are focused on discovering what the best gift is out of all the gifts the writer received. (“ That was close to the best present I had ever gotten, but there was more to come! We had our dad blow up both chairs and we grabbed the new mini snowman pillows we both got and we were told to sit in our chairs because they wanted to tell us something. I had no idea what it was going to be. Maybe we were getting the pink pony every little girl dreamed of. Maybe we were going on vacation to a warm and sunny place. I didn’t know what to expect. That night, my dad had on a green shirt with a pocket and that’s when I noticed something was sticking out of his pocket. They took forever to finally get to the point; it was agonizing!”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the Christmas morning scenario, and the writer provides relevant, effective details to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in creating excitement until the best present ever received is revealed. (“ Lazily, Laura and I sat there, in our new pink blow up chairs with snowman pillows in our laps, waiting for them to say something. My mom began to speak. "Now, your dad and I think that you two are going to really like this final Christmas present you will get from us. Kim, Garrett, and Logan will also be coming. Here you are." She handed us the mystery items out of daddy’s pocket. Laura and I looked at them a bit puzzled, but Laura finally read what was on the small ticket stub, “Back-Street Boys Concert- January 15th, 2002 at 8:30 p.m. at the Van Andy Stadium,” she read aloud.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“ When the clock rang 8 o’clock, everyone was in the living room, in their best Christmas pajamas, and ready to start. My daddy turned on the TV and flipped it to the annual movie that always played rerun after rerun on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The movie was called "A Christmas Story". He then recited a line from the movie that when you hear it over and over, starts getting annoying. 'You’re going to shoot your eye out, kid!' Excitedly, I put on the familiar red hat with a smile on my face and grabbed the first present I saw. "Laura, this present is yours!" "Mom, this one is yours!" "This one says daddy on it!" After fifteen more minutes of that, we finally had all our presents distributed. I hadn’t even opened any of my gifts yet, and already my face was beaming with joy.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the best present ever received. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The use of dialogue is effective in the narrative, as it serves to reveal the main character’s thoughts throughout the story.

The setting is very effectively developed with details. (“The ground was covered with white fluffy snow. It was cold and the air was crisp. Christmas Eve was coming fast and Santa was on his way! We were driving home from my grandma’s house that night. I told my daddy to hurry because I wanted my presents! That year, my 8 year old self was good for Santa. Laura, my sister, was about 12 and we were excited for what awaited us in those sparkly, wrapped presents sitting peacefully underneath the gleaming Christmas tree. Arriving in our snow-covered driveway, my family sat and gazed at our gingerbread lighted house.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is effectively developed. (“"Now, your dad and I think that you two are going to really like this final Christmas present you will get from us. Kim, Garrett, and Logan will also be coming. Here you are." She handed us the mystery items out of daddy’s pocket. Laura and I looked at them a bit puzzled, but Laura finally read what was on the small ticket stub, “Back-Street Boys Concert- January 15th, 2002 at 8:30 p.m. at the Van Andy Stadium,” she read aloud.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. (“As expected, Laura and I tore open every present and we were tossing Santa wrapping paper everywhere. I had a bow on my head too. Of course, we both got the normal amount of clothes, we both got calendars, a game or two, and we both received sweet, pink, plastic blow up chairs! That was close to the best present I had ever gotten, but there was more to come! We had our dad blow up both chairs and we grabbed the new mini snowman pillows we both got and we were told to sit in our chairs because they wanted to tell us something. I had no idea what it was going to be.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of an excited child anticipating the joys of unwrapping gifts during the Christmas holiday. (“The ground was covered with white fluffy snow. It was cold and the air was crisp. Christmas Eve was coming fast and Santa was on his way! We were driving home from my grandma’s house that night. I told my daddy to hurry because I wanted my presents! That year, my 8 year old self was good for Santa. Laura, my sister, was about 12 and we were excited for what awaited us in those sparkly, wrapped presents sitting peacefully underneath the gleaming Christmas tree.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Excitedly, I put on the familiar red hat with a smile on my face and grabbed the first present I saw. "Laura, this present is yours!" "Mom, this one is yours!" "This one says daddy on it!" After fifteen more minutes of that, we finally had all our presents distributed. I hadn’t even opened any of my gifts yet, and already my face was beaming with joy. As expected, Laura and I tore open every present and we were tossing Santa wrapping paper everywhere. I had a bow on my head too. Of course, we both got the normal amount of clothes, we both got calendars, a game or two, and we both received sweet, pink, plastic blow up chairs!”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the narrator’s nostalgic feelings toward the best present she ever received. (“To this day, I still can remember that Christmas Eve when we received the tickets of a lifetime. Even though our pink plastic chairs are long gone into oblivion, the T-shirt I purchased from the concert is too small, no one knows where the ticket stubs disappeared to, and the Back-Street boys aren’t the originals anymore, I still have the fondest memory of standing in the Van Andy Stadium on January 15 screaming and flailing about with exuberance and excitement. The concert was amazing, just like the Back-street Boys themselves. It will always be for me, the best Christmas present I ever received!”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the essay response. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the scenes from Christmas morning. In doing so, readers are invited to picture the scene. (“ That was close to the best present I had ever gotten, but there was more to come! We had our dad blow up both chairs and we grabbed the new mini snowman pillows we both got and we were told to sit in our chairs because they wanted to tell us something. I had no idea what it was going to be. Maybe we were getting the pink pony every little girl dreamed of. Maybe we were going on vacation to a warm and sunny place. I didn’t know what to expect. That night, my dad had on a green shirt with a pocket and that’s when I noticed something was sticking out of his pocket.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ We went totally crazy! We were going to the Back-Street Boys! I’ve always dreamed about going to a Back-Street Boys concert. They were my favorite singers [and for the most part, still are] and I was going to one of their concerts! I had a flashback of riding in Kim’s truck with her two boys and Laura; we were always singing along to the Back-Street Boys CD that we loved so much. I was filled with joy and happiness. I almost thought I was going to bust my new pink blow up chair because I was bobbing up and down so much! My mom then told us the whole story of how she and Kim received the tickets. They said that they woke up very early one morning and went and stood in a line at Rite Aid in the freezing, cold snow. I never knew that my mom would actually do something as wildly crazy as that for our Christmas present.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the excitement and appreciation as the writer reminisces about the best present ever received. (“ To this day, I still can remember that Christmas Eve when we received the tickets of a lifetime. Even though our pink plastic chairs are long gone into oblivion, the T-shirt I purchased from the concert is too small, no one knows where the ticket stubs disappeared to, and the Back-Street boys aren’t the originals anymore, I still have the fondest memory of standing in the Van Andy Stadium on January 15 screaming and flailing about with exuberance and excitement. The concert was amazing, just like the Back-street Boys themselves. It will always be for me, the best Christmas present I ever received!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Arriving in our snow-covered driveway, my family sat and gazed at our gingerbread lighted house. I then announced that everyone was going to hurry in, go to their rooms and put on their pajamas, then report to the living room where I would begin playing 'Santa' , carefully passing out all of those shining presents. Do you think they listened to an over excited 8 year old? No, they didn’t. They took their sweet time when I was running around the house looking like a chicken telling everyone to hurry up!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There are many wonderful gifts in the world that people would like to receive like money, materialistic things, clothes, or a home. I, on the other hand, have always wanted something different. It started when I was about ten. My birthday was coming the next day and I had been asking for the one impossible thing to get that every ten year old wants, a puppy. I had begged like a dog for months now. My parents were about ready to just go and buy me one just to make me shut up. Today was Sunday church, so boring that you are just about ready to go jump out the window and pass out. Luckily, we were able to leave early today, like most days, and head home with one of my friends.

As usual, I had rented a video game from Blockbuster and we were playing that when my dad suddenly walked in and asked, "Michael, could you come here for a moment?" "Sure" I replied. He said, "Could you go through the kitchen, into our living room, where we have the vacant kennel?" This kennel had nothing in it; we had just bought it in case we did end up getting a dog. As I opened the door, I heard something, a small whimper. I opened the door and there, to my surprise, was a puppy! It was the exact kind that I had wanted too, a Black Labrador Retriever, thus continuing our family tradition of the black lab.

Realistically, I probably would never have gotten a dog for my birthday if my mom had not been away at an annual dental convention in Vegas. She heard that I got a dog and just about died. She really was not expecting that; she did not want a dog after our experience with our last lab, the destroyer of all things, Simbah. This dog was different however, and my mom fell in love with her at first glance. After we got through all of the accidents, random escapes over gates, and tree house ladder climbing just to go down the slide, Mira was the perfect dog. She is a good communicator, if she wants to let you know something, she’ll let you know with the strangest of noises that you wouldn’t think could come from a dog. She’ll come and comfort you when you’re down and hop up on the couch. When night comes, she will sleep in a real human bed, resting her head on a pillow just like a human does, and either curl up into a ball or stretch out.

In ways that I cannot describe unless you were to own Mira yourself, Mira is undoubtedly, the perfect dog. She is not some huge wandering lab but a petite- sized lab, since she was the runt of the litter. Her favorite spot is on top of all three back seats in my mom’s car’s back window. When she is not being teased by my sister, Sarah, then she is teasing you with her toys and making those foreign noises. She has not ever found a person or thing that she distrusts or dislikes, even when they snarl at her and snap. In a way, for my birthday, the greatest gift ever was not a dog, but something much more, another family member.

Time has marched on and Mira has learned many tricks since we first welcomed her into our home. I actually taught her to climb ladders and now she will climb up just to go down the slide that is up there. She is so smart that when we locked her in the kitchen with a gate, she found a way to climb over it! When we locked her in the back yard, she found a way to climb over our giant fence. We have put things up to block her, so she does not do that anymore but it was still pretty funny the way she climbed over. Mira is about three years old now and the greatest thing about her, she is still is a puppy at heart. Out of all the things I have ever seen in the world, Mira is truly for me, the best gift ever. When we had to put Simbah down from hip dysplasia, I had always been sad. Now Mira has filled that empty void with joy and possibilities. Thank you for reading my story about Mira, and thank you Mira, for being the greatest gift ever!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. (“It started when I was about ten. My birthday was coming the next day and I had been asking for the one impossible thing to get that every ten year old wants, a puppy. I had begged like a dog for months now. My parents were about ready to just go and buy me one just to make me shut up.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“Realistically, I probably would never have gotten a dog for my birthday if my mom had not been away at an annual dental convention in Vegas. She heard that I got a dog and just about died. She really was not expecting that; she did not want a dog after our experience with our last lab, the destroyer of all things, Simbah. This dog was different however, and my mom fell in love with her at first glance. After we got through all of the accidents, random escapes over gates, and tree house ladder climbing just to go down the slide, Mira was the perfect dog.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“In ways that I cannot describe unless you were to own Mira yourself, Mira is undoubtedly, the perfect dog. She is not some huge wandering lab but a petite- sized lab, since she was the runt of the litter. Her favorite spot is on top of all three back seats in my mom’s car’s back window. When she is not being teased by my sister, Sarah, then she is teasing you with her toys and making those foreign noises. She has not ever found a person or thing that she distrusts or dislikes, even when they snarl at her and snap. In a way, for my birthday, the greatest gift ever was not a dog, but something much more, another family member.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the reasons why the new puppy is the best gift ever received. (“Out of all the things I have ever seen in the world, Mira is truly for me, the best gift ever. When we had to put Simbah down from hip dysplasia, I had always been sad. Now Mira has filled that empty void with joy and possibilities. Thank you for reading my story about Mira, and thank you Mira, for being the greatest gift ever!”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“Today was Sunday church, so boring that you are just about ready to go jump out the window and pass out. Luckily, we were able to leave early today, like most days, and head home with one of my friends. As usual, I had rented a video game from Blockbuster and we were playing that when my dad suddenly walked in and asked, "Michael, could you come here for a moment?" "Sure" I replied. He said, "Could you go through the kitchen, into our living room, where we have the vacant kennel?" This kennel had nothing in it; we had just bought it in case we did end up getting a dog.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Realistically, I probably would never have gotten a dog for my birthday if my mom had not been away at an annual dental convention in Vegas. She heard that I got a dog and just about died. She really was not expecting that; she did not want a dog after our experience with our last lab, the destroyer of all things, Simbah. This dog was different however, and my mom fell in love with her at first glance. After we got through all of the accidents, random escapes over gates, and tree house ladder climbing just to go down the slide, Mira was the perfect dog.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ There are many wonderful gifts in the world that people would like to receive like money, materialistic things, clothes, or a home. I, on the other hand, have always wanted something different. It started when I was about ten. My birthday was coming the next day and I had been asking for the one impossible thing to get that every ten year old wants, a puppy. I had begged like a dog for months…”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ Realistically, I probably would never have gotten a dog for my birthday if my mom had not been away at an annual dental convention in Vegas. She heard that I got a dog and just about died. She really was not expecting that; she did not want a dog after our experience with our last lab, the destroyer of all things, Simbah. This dog was different however, and my mom fell in love with her at first glance.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ Out of all the things I have ever seen in the world, Mira is truly for me, the best gift ever. When we had to put Simbah down from hip dysplasia, I had always been sad. Now Mira has filled that empty void with joy and possibilities. Thank you for reading my story about Mira, and thank you Mira, for being the greatest gift ever!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Time has marched on and Mira has learned many tricks since we first welcomed her into our home. I actually taught her to climb ladders and now she will climb up just to go down the slide that is up there. She is so smart that when we locked her in the kitchen with a gate, she found a way to climb over it! When we locked her in the back yard, she found a way to climb over our giant fence. We have put things up to block her, so she does not do that anymore but it was still pretty funny the way she climbed over. Mira is about three years old now and the greatest thing about her, she is still is a puppy at heart.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ Out of all the things I have ever seen in the world, Mira is truly for me, the best gift ever. When we had to put Simbah down from hip dysplasia, I had always been sad. Now Mira has filled that empty void with joy and possibilities. Thank you for reading my story about Mira, and thank you Mira, for being the greatest gift ever!”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the message of the importance of the best gift ever. (“ When she is not being teased by my sister, Sarah, then she is teasing you with her toys and making those foreign noises. She has not ever found a person or thing that she distrusts or dislikes, even when they snarl at her and snap. In a way, for my birthday, the greatest gift ever was not a dog, but something much more, another family member.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics throughout the story. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ In ways that I cannot describe unless you were to own Mira yourself, Mira is undoubtedly, the perfect dog. She is not some huge wandering lab but a petite- sized lab, since she was the runt of the litter. Her favorite spot is on top of all three back seats in my mom’s car’s back window. When she is not being teased by my sister, Sarah, then she is teasing you with her toys and making those foreign noises. She has not ever found a person or thing that she distrusts or dislikes, even when they snarl at her and snap. In a way, for my birthday, the greatest gift ever was not a dog, but something much more, another family member.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"Mom, dad, wake up!" I yelled, as I ran into my parents’ room." It’s Christmas morning!" I ran out of their room and into the front room. I saw the Christmas tree glowing with colors from the lights. I turned and looked out the window to see a blanket of snow covering the ground. My brother and sister ran in after me and we all sat down next to our stockings. I couldn’t wait until I could open my presents. I was so excited that I was bouncing up and down in my seat. After a few minutes, my parents walked in, camera in hand. "O.K.," my mom said, "go ahead and look through your stockings and then we can open our magnificent presents."

That year was the year I got a Barbie Cash Register. It was pink and white with purple, green, and pink money. One credit card was pink and the other was green. It was electronic, so I could just put in the number of the item I wanted and it would add it to a list of things I had already purchased. It came with a catolog so you knew what the number was for the items. Then you would scan the credit card and it would say, "Thank you for shopping, please come again." I was 5 when I got the cash register. I would play with it everyday. I would pretend that I had a family to care for and I was shopping for them. One day I would buy jewelry and the next day I would buy food. Some days I would buy toys and others I would buy hygiene items.

I had the Barbie Cash Register until I was 10. I had stopped playing with it when I about 7 so my mom gave it away to a charity. I was reluctant to let it go, even though I didn’t play with it anymore. I still had an attachment to it. I was sad and reluctant to see it go, but I knew it was going to someone who would play with it. It was my favorite gift because my grandparents gave it to me; it also was my favorite because I loved to play with it and it always reminded me of my grandparents. My grandparents live in California so I rarely saw them. I didn’t want to let it go because I felt like it connected me with my grandparents.

As I look back, the Barbie Cash Register is one of the best gifts I’ve gotten from my grandparents. I really cherished it and loved playing with it. I will never forget that toy and I will always adore it. Even though I am too old to be playing with it, I still love it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. The essay reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. First, the writer sets a scene that puts readers in the home on the morning of Christmas. (“"Mom, dad, wake up!" I yelled, as I ran into my parents’ room." It’s Christmas morning!" I ran out of their room and into the front room. I saw the Christmas tree glowing with colors from the lights.”)

The writer elaborates on the main event of receiving the Barbie cash register throughout the essay. (“It was electronic, so I could just put in the number of the item I wanted and it would add it to a list of things I had already purchased. It came with a catolog so you knew what the number was for the items. Then you would scan the credit card and it would say, "Thank you for shopping, please come again." I was 5 when I got the cash register. I would play with it everyday.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer uses consistent story-telling techniques that reveal the best present ever received. (“"O.K.," my mom said, "go ahead and look through your stockings and then we can open our magnificent presents." That year was the year I got a Barbie Cash Register. It was pink and white with purple, green, and pink money. One credit card was pink and the other was green.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“It was my favorite gift because my grandparents gave it to me; it also was my favorite because I loved to play with it and it always reminded me of my grandparents. My grandparents live in California so I rarely saw them. I didn’t want to let it go because I felt like it connected me with my grandparents.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer’s inability to let go of her best present does create a sense of conflict within the narrative that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer uses dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts, but in a limited way.

The setting is adequately developed with details. (“ I ran out of their room and into the front room. I saw the Christmas tree glowing with colors from the lights. I turned and looked out the window to see a blanket of snow covering the ground.”)

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is sparse. The writer should employ more dialogue between the characters to assist in revealing their thoughts or what they say aloud to each other in the story. (“"O.K.," my mom said, "go ahead and look through your stockings and then we can open our magnificent presents."”)

Details adequately describe the story’s problem and ultimate resolution. (“ I had the Barbie Cash Register until I was 10. I had stopped playing with it when I about 7 so my mom gave it away to a charity. I was reluctant to let it go, even though I didn’t play with it anymore. I still had an attachment to it. I was sad and reluctant to see it go, but I knew it was going to someone who would play with it. It was my favorite gift because my grandparents gave it to me; it also was my favorite because I loved to play with it and it always reminded me of my grandparents.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending gives the reader a sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention with details by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. In this case, the writer uses an exclamation and adequately sets a Christmas morning scenario. (“ "Mom, dad, wake up!" I yelled, as I ran into my parents’ room." It’s Christmas morning!" I ran out of their room and into the front room. I saw the Christmas tree glowing with colors from the lights. I turned and looked out the window to see a blanket of snow covering the ground.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ As I look back, the Barbie Cash Register is one of the best gifts I’ve gotten from my grandparents. I really cherished it and loved playing with it.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions throughout the narrative to carry the events to their ultimate conclusion.

The story’s ending includes details about the character’s feelings toward the best present ever received. (“ As I look back, the Barbie Cash Register is one of the best gifts I’ve gotten from my grandparents. I really cherished it and loved playing with it. I will never forget that toy and I will always adore it. Even though I am too old to be playing with it, I still love it!”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ It was my favorite gift because my grandparents gave it to me; it also was my favorite because I loved to play with it and it always reminded me of my grandparents. My grandparents live in California so I rarely saw them. I didn’t want to let it go because I felt like it connected me with my grandparents.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes her feelings about her present to the intended audience. (“ I had the Barbie Cash Register until I was 10. I had stopped playing with it when I about 7 so my mom gave it away to a charity. I was reluctant to let it go, even though I didn’t play with it anymore. I still had an attachment to it.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ It came with a catolog so you knew what the number was for the items. Then you would scan the credit card and it would say, "Thank you for shopping, please come again." I was 5 when I got the cash register. I would play with it everyday. I would pretend that I had a family to care for and I was shopping for them. One day I would buy jewelry and the next day I would buy food. Some days I would buy toys and others I would buy hygiene items.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of conventions and mechanics through most of the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Best Christmas Present I ever Received was when I got some accessories from my mom and dad for christmas. It was the only thing I got that Christmas that is why it was so special. My Parents had only gotten me, my brother, and sister one thing for Christmas. We where all still happy with what we got though. We understood that Christmas was not about presents. My sister got accessories too and my brother a watch. It was a very special Christmas for me. Now I will explain why it was so special.

First and foremost, my present. That Christmas was not a sit by the tree one. My parents just handed us the gifts. We where all happy with what we got and didn’t care if it was just one thing. I opened that box to accessories for me for Church. I was very happy to have gotten this gift at all form my parents. I had always wanted some accessories for my outfits and now I had some. It was a nacelles and a bracelet with ear rings. It was the most special gift ever. Secondly, why was it the only thing. This was the only thing we got because our parents didn’t have enough money to buy us any thing else. They had spent there money on paying the bills and getting food for us to eat. They had just enough money to buy us at lest one thing for Christmas. They really didn’t have to get us anything at all for Christmas but they did anyway. Lastly, Why where we all still happy. me and my brother and sister where still happy because. We understood that my parents had spent all there money on us to still have a house to live in. They wanted to let us know that they still loved us by buying us gifts for Christmas. They didn’t know that we didn’t care if we got nothing for Christmas. We really just wanted there love.

In conclusion, my one gift was the best. First, my parents just handed them to us. Second, We only got one thing and where happy about it. But lastly, We didn’t cry or get mad we just expected it. That was the best gift of all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning is limited in this essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed. The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“ The Best Christmas Present I ever Received was when I got some accessories from my mom and dad for christmas. It was the only thing I got that Christmas that is why it was so special.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the essay response. The writer focuses details on the reasons for receiving only one gift, but in doing so, manages to equate these details to how it makes the gift the best present. (“ This was the only thing we got because our parents didn’t have enough money to buy us any thing else. They had spent there money on paying the bills and getting food for us to eat. They had just enough money to buy us at lest one thing for Christmas. They really didn’t have to get us anything at all for Christmas but they did anyway. Lastly, Why where we all still happy. me and my brother and sister where still happy because. We understood that my parents had spent all there money on us to still have a house to live in.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay response. The writer needs to include more meaningful examples to illustrate what makes the accessories the best present ever received. In doing so, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“I had always wanted some accessories for my outfits and now I had some. It was a nacelles and a bracelet with ear rings.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay reveals an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of what happens in the narrative. The writer includes a problem in the story, but it is simply stated and accepted, not fully developed. Introducing the lack of family funds as a problem is important; it gives greater meaning to why the gift is so special to the writer. The writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts. By omitting the use of dialogue, the writer misses the chance to elaborate on the meaning of the gift in a more significant way.

Although the writer provides a brief sentence stating the purpose of the narrative, limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“ The Best Christmas Present I ever Received was when I got some accessories from my mom and dad for christmas. It was the only thing I got that Christmas that is why it was so special. My Parents had only gotten me, my brother, and sister one thing for Christmas. We where all still happy with what we got though. We understood that Christmas was not about presents. My sister got accessories too and my brother a watch. It was a very special Christmas for me.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces the parents and the other children in the family, but does not describe them in any way. (“ My Parents had only gotten me, my brother, and sister one thing for Christmas. We where all still happy with what we got though. We understood that Christmas was not about presents. My sister got accessories too and my brother a watch.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“ My parents just handed us the gifts. We where all happy with what we got and didn’t care if it was just one thing. I opened that box to accessories for me for Church. I was very happy to have gotten this gift at all form my parents.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay response. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer manages to provide readers with some sense of closure.

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by using details. (“ The Best Christmas Present I ever Received was when I got some accessories from my mom and dad for christmas. It was the only thing I got that Christmas that is why it was so special. My Parents had only gotten me, my brother, and sister one thing for Christmas. We where all still happy with what we got though. We understood that Christmas was not about presents. My sister got accessories too and my brother a watch. It was a very special Christmas for me.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Secondly, why was it the only thing. This was the only thing we got because our parents didn’t have enough money to buy us any thing else. They had spent there money on paying the bills and getting food for us to eat. They had just enough money to buy us at lest one thing for Christmas. They really didn’t have to get us anything at all for Christmas but they did anyway. Lastly, Why where we all still happy .”)

The story demonstrates a limited ending that briefly attempts to summarize the main points of the story. (“ In conclusion, my one gift was the best. First, my parents just handed them to us. Second, We only got one thing and where happy about it. But lastly, We didn’t cry or get mad we just expected it. That was the best gift of all.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ It was a nacelles and a bracelet with ear rings. It was the most special gift ever.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (“ They had spent there money on paying the bills and getting food for us to eat. They had just enough money to buy us at lest one thing for Christmas. They really didn’t have to get us anything at all for Christmas but they did anyway.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Why where we all still happy. me and my brother and sister where still happy because. “)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of conventions and mechanics is limited in the essay response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The story should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Lastly, Why where we all still happy. me and my brother and sister where still happy because. We understood that my parents had spent all there money on us to still have a house to live in. They wanted to let us know that they still loved us by buying us gifts for Christmas. They didn’t know that we didn’t care if we got nothing for Christmas. We really just wanted there love.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

I have received a lot of gifts during the pass. The only thing that I received that I really liked is when I got my purple and gray jordan’s. I really wanted these sneaker more than anything I have ever gotten .I earned these sneakers because I have passed my state test. I have earn these sneakers for a lot of reason I would provide you all my reasons on why I earned these sneakers. My first reason on why I earned these sneakers. Is because I have put all of my grades up from C’s and to straight B’s. I was proud because I have honor now so now if I put all of my grades to straight A ‘sI would be much happier.

Another reason that I feel that i’ve earned these sneaker them is because I have been doing all of my chores on time around the house. Sometimes Iforget my chores so I get grounded or I get the talk on being responsible. Now I have told you m y most important gift now can I know yours!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Additionally, the essay reveals some details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“ The only thing that I received that I really liked is when I got my purple and gray jordan ’s. I really wanted these sneaker more than anything I have ever gotten .”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific reasons why having these sneakers means so much.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of why the sneakers were the best gift ever. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ I earned these sneakers because I have passed my state test.”) Additionally, some parts of the story often do not relate to the main event. (“ Sometimes Iforget my chores so I get grounded or I get the talk on being responsible.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“My first reason on why I earned these sneakers. Is because I have put all of my grades up from C’s and to straight B’s. I was proud because I have honor now so now if I put all of my grades to straight A ‘sI would be much happier.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the ways the gift received is earned, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“ I really wanted these sneaker more than anything I have ever gotten .I earned these sneakers because I have passed my state test. I have earn these sneakers for a lot of reason I would provide you all my reasons on why I earned these sneakers. My first reason on why I earned these sneakers. Is because I have put all of my grades up from C’s and to straight B’s.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. At one point in the story, the writer mentions his/her house, but there is no description to assist the reader in visualizing the scene. Additionally, the narrator is the only voice in the story. (“ Another reason that I feel that i’ve earned these sneaker them is because I have been doing all of my chores on time around the house. Sometimes Iforget my chores so I get grounded or I get the talk on being responsible.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not developed. Only at the end of the story does the writer pose a question, but dialogue is not recognizably incorporated into the story. (“Now I have told you m y most important gift now can I know yours!”)

Organization

The story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer misses the opportunity to create a scenario so readers can be pulled into the story from the very beginning. (“ I have received a lot of gifts during the pass. The only thing that I received that I really liked is when I got my purple and gray jordan ’s.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Another reason that I feel that i’ve earned these sneaker them is because I have been doing all of my chores on time around the house.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Now I have told you m y most important gift now can I know yours!”) The essay fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ My first reason on why I earned these sneakers. Is because I have put all of my grades up from C’s and to straight B’s. I was proud because I have honor now so now if I put all of my grades to straight A ‘sI would be much happier.”)

There is repetition of ideas in the essay response. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ I have earn these sneakers for a lot of reason I would provide you all my reasons on why I earned these sneakers.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ I have received a lot of gifts during the pass. The only thing that I received that I really liked is when I got my purple and gray jordan’s. I really wanted these sneaker more than anything I have ever gotten .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of conventions and mechanics is minimal in the essay response. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“Another reason that I feel that i’ve earned these sneaker them is because I have been doing all of my chores on time around the house.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

A couple of years my dog coco died. He died from having hart worms and I cried all night. The worst part was it was near my birthday. My parents dropped me and my brother off at are grandparents. The day we were going to leave my mom called and told me that my parents got me a new puppy. I was so exsited that all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay is inadequate in the task response. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The essay does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“ A couple of years my dog coco died. He died from having hart worms and I cried all night. The worst part was it was near my birthday.”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“The day we were going to leave my mom called and told me that my parents got me a new puppy. I was so exsited that all.”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the purpose of the task. (“ A couple of years my dog coco died. He died from having hart worms and I cried all night. The worst part was it was near my birthday. My parents dropped me and my brother off at are grandparents.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed in detail, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ My parents dropped me and my brother off at are grandparents.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“ A couple of years my dog coco died. He died from having hart worms and I cried all night. The worst part was it was near my birthday. My parents dropped me and my brother off at are grandparents.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“I was so exsited that all.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on the theme of the best present the writer has ever received. Rather, the writer briefly discusses the death of his/her dog. (“ A couple of years my dog coco died. He died from having hart worms and I cried all night.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ My parents dropped me and my brother off at are grandparents. The day we were going to leave my mom called and told me that my parents got me a new puppy.”) The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ I was so exsited that all.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ My parents dropped me and my brother off at are grandparents.”) Exact words are missing, which creates some sentence fragments. (“ A couple of years my dog coco died.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I was so exsited that all.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of conventions and mechanics is inadequate in the essay response. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“A couple of years my dog coco died. He died from having hart worms and I cried all night. The worst part was it was near my birthday. My parents dropped me and my brother off at are grandparents. The day we were going to leave my mom called and told me that my parents got me a new puppy. I was so exsited that all.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Theme of Defeat in Linkin Park's "In the End"

The song "In the End" by Linkin Park discusses the theme of self-defeat. Was there ever a time in your life when you felt like giving up or when you felt defeated by something? What was the outcome of the situation? How did you resolve it?

In a personal narrative, explain your connection to this song by thinking about a time when you felt defeated. What did you do to resolve the situation? Provide details, examples, and personal experience to help convey your response. Remember to cite lyrics from the song when possible.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

In my opinion, the feeling of defeat is one of the worst emotions that a person can have. I know that I don't like feeling defeated. Most people don't know how to cope with their feeling of defeat which leads up to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. What most people do when they feel defeated is give up. We can't just give up on things when we feel defeated. We have to learn how to pick ourselves up and keep on going because that is the only way that we will grow as individuals. There are so many times in my young life where I have felt defeated. Now that I think of it, I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone through some of the experiences I have had.

On the first Friday of May, I was at the Mae Elementary school Family Night Fair. My friends and I were just being your average six year olds, eating junk food, playing games, and going on rides. We did everything together. I was having a blast when out of the blue my friends wanted to go on the rock climber. My mind went blank, my hands started to sweat, my heart was beating so hard that I thought it would explode. Then a thought came to me. They were just kidding. I know they were. We were only kindergartners! As quick as the suggestion had come, my three friends had dashed off toward the rock climber leaving me behind. “Such good friends.” Sprinting after them, I remember thinking to myself, "This isn't happening, this isn't happening!"

As I neared my destination, I got a glimpse of the rock climber. It was a bully looking down on me with a malevolent visage. Being only four feet tall at the time, the rock climber looked like the tallest mountain in the world. "People are crazy for wanting to climb that!" I chortled hoping that my friends would agree. Instead they just stared at me with disbelief in their eyes.

"Come on Kelli," said one of my friends breaking the silence, "you have to come with us." I gave this some thought.

"No that's okay. You guys can go without me," I bemoaned. There was no way that I was going anywhere near that thing.

"But you have to. We do everything together."

I have no inkling of how in the world I ended up connected to bungee cords two minutes later gazing up at the astonishing skyscraper. I couldn't sidle my way out of this now. All of my friends had made it to the top so that means that I had make it too right? That thought made me feel a bit more placid. Yet, that tranquility melted away in a matter of seconds. It was time for me to set out on my journey. With hands drenched in sweat and a face pallid with regret I started to climb. Adrenaline mixed with dread, rushing through my entire body, making me tremble. "My hands are sweaty! What if I slip?" echoed a small voice in my head.

My neatly combed hair was now sticking to my face, but I didn't notice one bit. Hello? I was climbing a mountain here! I was doing just fine until I reached the halfway mark and decided to look down. I shut my eyes immediately. Instinctively, my hands clenched tightly to the rocks. With my eyes still glued close, I yelled that I wanted to come down. When I didn't get a response, I shouted even louder. I was heard this time because I felt a tug on the bungee cord around my waist. Not daring to open my eyes, I timidly loosened my grip on the rocks knowing that I would be pulled down to safety. The very moment I touched the ground, I frantically ripped off the bungee cords and streaked off to wherever my feet would take me. Anywhere was better than the rock climber.

That night, I remember tossing and turning ferociously pondering about the events that occurred that day. I just could not understand it. Why couldn't I make it to the top when all of my friends could? I tried so hard to get to the top but yet I only made it half way. "Just face it," I told myself. "I'm a wimp for being afraid of heights."

A small tear drop trickled down my cheek and then on to my pillow. "I'm never, ever going to try and climb that pathetic thing again. It’s just a waste of my time."

My stomach grew tense and I felt like I wanted to punch something. How could I lose to a wall? A wall! This just made me feel even worst. This was the worst day in the history of worst days!

Now that I look back at this experience I understand that I can't just give up on something on my first try. The rock climbing wall didn't defeat me. I defeated myself. My greatest fear is still of heights. To this day I still haven't climbed to the top of the wall but am steadily getting closer. I can now climb up to a little more than three-fourths of the way. This is because I work hard to make sure that I climb it every time I go to a fair. I am really glad that I did not give up because I have found that I am not as scared of heights as I was before. This experience also made me realize that defeat is only a motivator. Defeat should only make you want to work harder and want something even more. All you can do is try you're best and your best is all you need to offer.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task throughout the narrative. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases distress when faced with his/her fear of heights.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation in facing his/her fear of heights. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel the peer pressure to conquer the rock wall. (“ All of my friends had made it to the top so that means that I had make it too right? ”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the intimidating scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in facing his/her fears. (“With hands drenched in sweat and a face pallid with regret I started to climb.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience of defeat in his/her younger years. Moreover, powerful sensory descriptors communicate the writer’s disappointment at his/her inability to complete a challenge. (“ A small tear drop trickled down my cheek and then on to my pillow. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the immense challenge of the wall, and subsequently, the writer’s incapacity to overcome his/her fear of heights. In doing so, the writer amplifies the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, included is the very desperate and human situation when the writer allowed fear to paralyze him/her. (“…decided to look down. I shut my eyes immediately. Instinctively, my hands clenched tightly to the rocks. With my eyes still glued close, I yelled that I wanted to come down.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, the writer places the audience in the middle of an enjoyable scene: a “Family Night Fair” hosted by his/her school. (“I was having a blast when out of the blue my friends wanted to go on the rock climber.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant sensory details about his/her physical responses throughout the narrative, as well as the writer’s interior monologue. (“Adrenaline mixed with dread, rushing through my entire body, making me tremble…. ‘What if I slip?’ echoed a small voice in my head. ”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully frames the problematic feeling of defeat with a retrospective life lesson about growth and disappointment. (“We have to learn how to pick ourselves up and keep on going because that is the only way that we will grow as individuals.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Yet, that tranquility melted away in a matter of seconds.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, offering the readers a different perspective on the theme of defeat. Through his/her personal experience, a hurdle can be transformed into a source of motivation. (“Defeat should only make you want to work harder and want something even more. All you can do is try you're best and your best is all you need to offer.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences facing his/her demons. He/she uses a simile to create a vivid image of the crippling fear that is intimidating him/her. (“ It was a bully looking down on me with a malevolent visage.”)

The writer’s coherent use of style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement. In fact, the writer deftly condenses events in order to keep the narrative focused and lively. Rather than describing the time it took to put on the rock-climbing equipment, the narrator focuses on facing a daunting task. (“ I have no inkling of how in the world I ended up connected to bungee cords two minutes later gazing up at the astonishing skyscraper.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s desire to become liberated from the memory of the terrifying rock-climbing experience. (“The very moment I touched the ground, I frantically ripped off the bungee cords and streaked off to wherever my feet would take me. Anywhere was better than the rock climber. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Have you ever felt self-defeated but you pushed on anyway? A song that expresses self-defeat but continuing to push on is "In The End" by Linkin Park. Linkin Park is able to express self-defeat through the lyrics and the way that they sing this song. They sing parts of this song as if they were mad at someone. You can tell through the lyrics that they singer had an experience where they were struggling through something and they had to try very hard to keep going. This song made me remember a time when I felt self-defeat. When I heard the lyrics "It doesn't even matter, I've put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go, for all this there's only one thing you should know, I've tried so hard" it made me think about my State Cup game this year. I put my trust in my teammates for this important game and some of them did not perform the way I hoped they would. Even with my coaches giving them advice they played as if this game wasn't as important to them as it was to the rest of us. I tried my hardest during the game, and when my teammates did not play their best, I wanted to give up.

3:45 P.M. in the afternoon and I am running around the house gathering my items that I need for my State Cup game. I have my black uniform and matching socks on, my water bottle is filled to the top with an ice pack in it, and my backpack is in the car. On my way over to Heron Cove 1, I got myself pumped up for the game. We had to be there 45 minutes early, because Coach N and Coach B wanted us to warm up. We have many shooting, dribbling, and ball control drills to do before we play the game.

The whistle is blown, and the first 40 minute half begins. The ball is in motion, and our defense moves up to half-field. At first, we start strong. The game seemed very even because no one had scored, and no one was getting extremely close to the other teams goal. I thought we had a chance a winning because everyone was playing the way I hoped. Then, it was time to sub. Players who started the game were subbed. I stayed on the field but Jess, Rachel, and Sydney, three of our best mid-field players, were taking off the field to get a drink and so that our coaches could give them a pep talk. In place of them came Lindsey, Brooke, and Amanda came on the field. Amanda and Brooke really aren't bad players when they try.

"Tweet, Tweet." The referee blew his whistle to signal the end of the half. All of the players run off the field to their coaches. Grabbing our water bottles we head over a shady spot. "Ok guys we are down 2-0, but we are playing hard out there" one of our coaches states. They continued on with their advice session until the referees blow there whistle to call us back to the field.

"Tweeeet." The second-half has started. I am feeling quite defeated, and I don't really want to play anymore. I keep pushing myself to hustle up the field. "Yahh!" Just as I am ready to quit, we score a goal. Slowly, we get another one. I am getting more confident in our team. We are finally tied and they score again. I don't get my hopes down too much because we can still get it back. "Ref? How much time left?" I ask. "Two minutes" he replies. I am standing there, hoping that we can manage to get another goal to tie the game up, but instead of us getting the goal, they get another one. I stand there not knowing what to say. I was disappointed that we lost, but I know that I tried my hardest.

In the end, it's not about winning or losing it's about trying your hardest. I know that I tried my hardest, and that's all that matters. As a team, we managed to pull together to get two goals. I feel proud that we got those goals, because I know how difficult it was to get them. Together as a team, we worked together and that is important. The lyrics in the song, "In The End" by Linkin Park, really captures what we had to do as a team, because the lyrics show that pushing through to try to accomplish your goal and not giving up is what my team and I had to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the theme of self-defeat. (“ I tried my hardest during the game, and when my teammates did not play their best, I wanted to give up. ”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event, and the dialogue supports the atmosphere of the story. (“‘ Ok guys we are down 2-0, but we are playing hard out there’ one of our coaches states. ”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides a connection between the theme of defeat found in the song lyrics, and the feeling of defeat experienced within the personal event. (“ When I heard the lyrics ‘It doesn't even matter, I've put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go, for all this there's only one thing you should know, I've tried so hard’ it made me think about my State Cup game this year. ”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer creates suspense as he/she utilizes the aspect of time effectively to reveal the excitement and disappointment the main character experiences throughout the soccer game. (“ I don't get my hopes down too much because we can still get it back. ‘Ref? How much time left?’ I ask. ‘Two minutes’ he replies. ”)

The writer sets the stage of the event with concrete details , which engage the reader s with a sense of immediacy and preparation. (“3:45 P.M. in the afternoon and I am running around the house gathering my items that I need for my State Cup game. I have my black uniform and matching socks on, my water bottle is filled to the top with an ice pack in it, and my backpack is in the car.”)

The pacing of the plot is effectively developed to move the story forward, without hastening the narrative. (“ I stayed on the field but Jess, Rachel, and Sydney, three of our best mid-field players, were taking off the field to get a drink and so that our coaches could give them a pep talk. ”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning by asking a direct question. (“Have you ever felt self-defeated but you pushed on anyway? ”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ Then, it was time to sub. ”) Additionally, the writer employs an effective use of organization as he/she incorporates onomatopoeia to indicate aspects within the story’s timeline. ( “‘ Tweeeet.’ The second-half has started. ” )

The story includes an effective ending by creating a connection between the song found in the prompt task and the writer’s personal experience. (“‘ The End’ by Linkin Park, really captures what we had to do as a team, because the lyrics show that pushing through to try to accomplish your goal and not giving up is what my team and I had to do. ”)

Language Use & Style

The subjective language and honest tone are consistent. (“ I am feeling quite defeated, and I don't really want to play anymore. I keep pushing myself to hustle up the field. ”)

Coherent use of style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ I am standing there, hoping that we can manage to get another goal to tie the game up, but instead of us getting the goal, they get another one. ”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the lesson learned. (“ I stand there not knowing what to say. I was disappointed that we lost, but I know that I tried my hardest. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

In the song "In the end" by Linkin Park, the song writers say "Time is a valuable thing, Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings, Watch it count down to the end of the day, The clock ticks life away" The song writers are referring to how you shouldn't waste your time, because it is something special that could be taken away from you. Sometimes you try to change your life, but you don't succeed. If you do your best and give everything else you wanted just to get it, you might lose everything, and feel worthless.

When I was in the sixth grade, I was going to take an extremely hard test. I had to study really hard, because for me it was really important to get a good grade. I read most of the pages in the book, that had what I was looking to study. That night I went to bed really late, even though I did not read everything in the book, I read what I though was most important.

I got to school, thinking I was ready for the big test. I had to wait all day until it was my last period class for me to take the test, it made me think that maybe I would forget everything I was thinking of. Of course I couldn't forget what was going on in the other classes, just so I could remember everything I studied for. I tried to keep both things in mind, that way I could focus and still remember everything. I could only listen to the clock "Ticking" it was making me nervous.

Finally, we got to class, and immediately we were handed the test. After, sitting on my seat and started the test, thankfully I remembered everything on the first page, I was glad. My impression of the test immediately changed, I didn't remember anything after the first page. The questions were so hard, and I was not was happy with my brain, I studied so hard, but it still was a waste of time. I finished the test, and waited for my teacher to grade it. I got it back, and it was a "D," I had wished I would have gotten a better grade, but I couldn't change anything. I couldn't get a good grade, and could change it, but know that if I studied hard on my next test, I might succeed. If you were defeated once, but you don't want to live your life losing, you will have to try harder and succeed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately and utilizes the technique of flashback to fill in the background information. (“When I was in the sixth grade, I was going to take an extremely hard test.”)

The writer focuses on the main event of the theme of defeat throughout the narrative. (“The questions were so hard, and I was not was happy with my brain, I studied so hard, but it still was a waste of time.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“That night I went to bed really late, even though I did not read everything in the book, I read what I though was most important.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“I got it back, and it was a ‘D,’ I had wished I would have gotten a better grade, but I couldn't change anything.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer’s frantic attempt to generate academic success holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. The author cleverly utilizes the element of time in order to create a sense of urgency for the readers. (“I could only listen to the clock ‘Ticking’ it was making me nervous.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“I had to study really hard, because for me it was really important to get a good grade.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story by using hyperbole to intimate that all of his/her hard work could have been in vain. (“My impression of the test immediately changed, I didn't remember anything after the first page.”)

Organization

The beginning of the personal narrative demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by asking them to reflect on a time when they tried and failed. (“ If you do your best and give everything else you wanted just to get it, you might lose everything, and feel worthless.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Of course I couldn't forget what was going on in the other classes, just so I could remember everything I studied for.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end. However, although the writer has received negative results within the shared personal narrative, he/she projects an outcome of positive results in the future, which is in contrast to the theme of defeat. (“ If you were defeated once, but you don't want to live your life losing, you will have to try harder and succeed.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied to keep the readers engaged with the text. (“ I got to school, thinking I was ready for the big test. I had to wait all day until it was my last period class for me to take the test, it made me think that maybe I would forget everything I was thinking of.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes an anxious student who is trying to do well academically. (“ Of course I couldn't forget what was going on in the other classes, just so I could remember everything I studied for.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently support his/her rejection of the theme of defeat within the story. (“ I tried to keep both things in mind, that way I could focus and still remember everything.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Self defeat is one thing that will never make you feel good? For example, the song "in the end" by "Linkin Park," establishes a theme theme of self defeat throughout the song. In my life, one time I felt self defeat was in math when I wasn't doing very well.

In algebra I honors, you have to pay attention all of the time because everything is important and the work requires you to know everything. In addition, the tests are only ten questions so if you get one question wrong your grade goes down an entire letter grade. I had gotten a bad grade on all of the tests in the quarter. The quote "It doesn't even matter" from "Linkin park's" song "in the end" described how I felt. I thought that I would get enough good grades that my grade would get better. I had a "D" in that class.

After I had been doing bad in that class for a long time, my math teacher talked to me about my grade and invited me to come after school. I retook two out of the four tests. My "D" turned into a "C." I felt good! I ended up getting a high"C" for my final grade. I tried so hard.

Self defeat is very bad feeling. It makes you feel terrible. Resolving is is one of the best feelings ever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“I had gotten a bad grade on all of the tests in the quarter. The quote ‘It doesn't even matter’ from ‘Linkin park's’ song ‘in the end’ described how I felt.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the concrete grades he/she received rather than the elements that allowed him/her to overcome the feeling of defeat attributed to his/her low scores. (“My ‘D’ turned into a ‘C.’”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. Although one may infer that the writer had problems testing within this situation (“…the tests are only ten questions so if you get one question wrong your grade goes down an entire letter grade.”), the writer does not describe the feeling of defeat, or the steps the writer took to solve those problems. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“I ended up getting a high‘C’ for my final grade. I tried so hard.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The re narrative reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters . It lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character experiencing and overcoming the feeling of defeat. The writer discusses a time when he/she felt defeated but does not include steps to solve the problem. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“I thought that I would get enough good grades that my grade would get better.”)

The details about the conflict in the story are limited. The writer introduces his/her problem within the narrative but does not describe how the conflict was resolved. (“I retook two out of the four tests. My ‘D’ turned into a ‘C.’”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“The quote ‘It doesn't even matter’ from ‘Linkin park's’ song ‘in the end’ described how I felt.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to engage the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. Initially, the writer generates interest by making a declarative statement in order to create a conversational tone to the essay . (“ Self defeat is one thing that will never make you feel good?”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ In addition, the tests are only ten questions so if you get one question wrong your grade goes down an entire letter grade.”)

The writer attempts to give the readers a sense of closure by re-affirming the strength of the essay's theme of defeat. However, the writer’s vague statement about his/her personal experience limits the readers’ ability to connect the theme to something larger. (“Resolving is is one of the best feelings ever. ”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. (“ I tried so hard.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of “I” to begin a sentence, for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“I felt good! I ended up getting a high ‘ C ’ for my final grade. I tried so hard. ”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Self defeat is very bad feeling. It makes you feel terrible. Resolving is is one of the best feelings ever.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

In everyones life there is a time were,for some reason you cant do it. You try and try, none the less you decide to give up. You fall, you are now defeated. Thats how i felt when i couldnt complete a puzzle.

It was not just eny regular puzzle, it was a thousand piece puzzle. i couldnt seem to find the right pieces. The first thing that poped in my mind was, to give up. I had a sad look in my eye. Until i herd the radio slowly pick up volume. i knew what song it was from the miniute it started.The song was In the End by linken Park. As soon as i herd the song go on, ithought to my self. I was thiking thats not me, i never give up. I felt so ashamed for giving up. i couldnt look at my self ever again. What i decided to do is to pick my self up and never give up until that puzzle was complete.that is exactly what i did. i spent all night working on that puzzle. The result wass a success. Let that be a lesson. You never give up, especialy when times are hard. When times are hard thats when you try your best.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“Thats how i felt when i couldnt complete a puzzle.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the the theme of defeat. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“The first thing that poped in my mind was, to give up. I had a sad look in my eye.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“It was not just eny regular puzzle, it was a thousand piece puzzle.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the experiences, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“The result wass a success. Let that be a lesson.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“I was thiking thats not me, i never give up.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by generalizing a frustration that everyone encounters. However, the writer does not mention what the hindrance is, leaving the readers confused. (“ In everyones life there is a time were,for some reason you cant do it.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Until i herd the radio slowly pick up volume.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“When times are hard thats when you try your best. ”) The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ In everyones life there is a time were,for some reason you cant do it.”)

There are fragments within sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“Until i herd the radio slowly pick up volume. ”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“What i decided to do is to pick my self up and never give up until that puzzle was complete.that is exactly what i did. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There have been many time's when I felt like giving up, but the worst situation that I have been in is when my dad and my mom got in a realy bad argument when I was about seven or eight. I don't really remember that well how old I was. It was on the weekend when my dad and mom started to get into an argument.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the reader s may infer the purpose of the story , but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme. (“There have been many time's when I felt like giving up, but the worst situation that I have been in is when my dad and my mom got in a realy bad argument when I was about seven or eight.” )

The writer’s casual tone does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“I don't really remember that well how old I was.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task; moreover, the information presented is repetitive. (“…my dad and my mom got in a realy bad argument…” “…when my dad and mom started to get into an argument.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed . The writer should provide details about the characters’ surroundings to help the readers imagine the scene in their minds. In fact, the writer generalizes the setting and conflict so that the story remains vague. (“It was on the weekend when my dad and mom started to get into an argument. ”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“It was on the weekend when my dad and mom started to get into an argument.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“There have been many time's when I felt like giving up, but the worst situation that I have been in is when my dad and my mom got in a realy bad argument when I was about seven or eight.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, the t heme of d efeat in Linkin Park’s “In the End.” (“There have been many time's when I felt like giving up, but the worst situation that I have been in is when my dad and my mom got in a realy bad argument when I was about seven or eight. ”)

Events are too vague to identify their order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“It was on the weekend when my dad and mom started to get into an argument. ”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“It was on the weekend when my dad and mom started to get into an argument. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience , and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ There have been many time's when I felt like giving up, but the worst situation that I have been in is when my dad and my mom got in a realy bad argument when I was about seven or eight.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I don't really remember that well how old I was.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“It was on the weekend when my dad and mom started to get into an argument.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“There have been many time's when I felt like giving up, but the worst situation that I have been in is when my dad and my mom got in a realy bad argument when I was about seven or eight.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“The Tell-Tale Heart” by E.A. Poe

"The Tell-Tale Heart" is a terrifying story told from the narrator's point of view about his descent into madness. Imagine, though, if the story had been written from the old man's perspective—how would he have described the events that led to the story's conclusion?

Using your imagination, rewrite the story "The Tell-Tale Heart" from the old man's perspective. Be sure to use details from the original story to make your version more realistic.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Now this tale didn’t happen just yesterday, nor the day before, but long long ago. A memory I have recalled so often that even my subconscious mind is constantly replaying it. All the ifs and could haves plague me from day to day. For you see, I am long past anger at my death. I am just drowning in deep sorrow and regret. I have longed for this moment to reveal the real story. You may now think, as I once thought, that I will plead of my innocence, telling a story of how I was a helpless victim of a crazy murderer. There are times when I wish that were the truth; then my soul could have forever rested in peace.

I was damned the second my new butler set his polished shoe upon my floor. Oswald was his name, and oh, how I loathed him. Why? He was so content and pleased with his life it filled me with jealousy. I would have lost my will to live if I had to stand one more day with his glowing persona. I made up a dirty but madly entertaining game out of him. The object was for Oswald to get so paranoid he would leave thinking it was completely of his own will. It made me feel like a puppet master. He would bend to my turns. I got the most thrills from taunting him with my cataract eye. I never knew it would drive him as far as murder.

I could feel the tension thickening as the days went on. Finally, each midnight for a week, he came into my room and shined a light into my face. He thought he was undetected. I kept my eyes clamped tightly shut. I don t know how I resisted the temptation to burst out laughing. Ha! I bet that would have surprised him. As you’ve probably concluded, my joke ended up going further than planned.

On the eighth night, he made a creak louder than I could pretend to ignore. I ever so slowly opened my eyes and took in the darkness. I could see his silhouette in the corner. I called but he did not answer. I waited for what seemed like forever. If I were a younger, more fearless man, I probably would have said or done something. By then, the tingling, grasping sensations of fear had found their way up my back. They seeped over my flesh, immobilizing me. That was when he acted, shining a bright light upon my cataract eye. You could say it was a lucky aim, but I say it was fate. Faster then I could comprehend, he jumped upon me and suffocated me in my own mattress. With my last breath, I let out a stifled scream.

I was filled with fury. Funny, though, I was not angry that he had killed me. I was angry that he had outsmarted me; beat me at my own game. It did not matter that he lost his sanity; I was not consoled. A man with as much brainpower as a donkey had found a way to steal my glory. I could feel it bubbling in my blood, in the deepest part of my heart, the overpowering need for revenge.

I watched, seething, as he chopped my body into bite-sized pieces. Oswald s face did not show the least bit of remorse, not even pity, but a grim satisfaction. At that moment, I knew I would haunt him. To the day he died, I would make him pay for being more ruthless than I.

It didn’t take long for my first opportunity to arise. The cops came in response to a neighbor who had heard my scream. They were gathered in the in the basement, where Oswald had crammed my body pieces under the floorboards. I summoned my powerful need for vengeance and it transformed into a pulse. To the naked ear, it sounded like a heartbeat. It was really a voice, a voice of evil. A voice that whispered in your ear all the terrifying thoughts that run through your mind after you commit something gruesome. It was pure, ruthless evil, out for one thing: to make you break and crumble under its power.

I knew he heard it, for I saw his features tense. His speech slurred, his eyes turned beady, and sweat glazed his forehead. He started twitching, and with a few more endured moments of pain, BAM! He collapsed on the floor, his face twisted in agony. He pulled up the floorboards, all the while screaming at the cops, telling the events that led to this moment. His life was ruined. He was arrested and put into a mental asylum.

Do you see now? Do you see why I am guilty of my own murder? Never in my life, have I felt so much emotion. I ruined a man to satisfy my pride and condemned myself to an eternity in hell. I wish that I had overcome the lust for revenge. I spend my days weeping for the man I became, for the power I called upon. I know it is selfish of me to cry for myself instead of Oswald. Now I have to pay for it. I have to endure this torture until the end of time. I envy Oswald, because unlike him, I cannot escape by slipping into the numbness of insanity, or be freed by an innocent death.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story conveys very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are all relevant.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is clear. (“Now this tale didn’t happen just yesterday, nor the day before, but long long ago. A memory I have recalled so often that even my subconscious mind is constantly replaying it. All the ifs and could haves plague me from day to day. For you see, I am long past anger at my death. I am just drowning in deep sorrow and regret. I have longed for this moment to reveal the real story. You may now think, as I once thought, that I will plead of my innocence, telling a story of how I was a helpless victim of a crazy murderer. There are times when I wish that were the truth; then my soul could have forever rested in peace.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“I knew he heard it, for I saw his features tense. His speech slurred, his eyes turned beady, and sweat glazed his forehead. He started twitching, and with a few more endured moments of pain, BAM! He collapsed on the floor, his face twisted in agony.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“It didn’t take long for my first opportunity to arise. The cops came in response to a neighbor who had heard my scream. They were gathered in the in the basement, where Oswald had crammed my body pieces under the floorboards. I summoned my powerful need for vengeance and it transformed into a pulse. To the naked ear, it sounded like a heartbeat. It was really a voice, a voice of evil. A voice that whispered in your ear all the terrifying thoughts that run through your mind after you commit something gruesome. It was pure, ruthless evil, out for one thing: to make you break and crumble under its power.”)

Content & Development

The story contains very effective content and development. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters are developed in very effective detail. (“I was damned the second my new butler set his polished shoe upon my floor. Oswald was his name, and oh, how I loathed him. Why? He was so content and pleased with his life it filled me with jealousy. I would have lost my will to live if I had to stand one more day with his glowing persona. I made up a dirty but madly entertaining game out of him. The object was for Oswald to get so paranoid he would leave thinking it was completely of his own will. It made me feel like a puppet master. He would bend to my turns. I got the most thrills from taunting him with my cataract eye. I never knew it would drive him as far as murder.”)

Very effective sensory detail develops the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“I was filled with fury. Funny, though, I was not angry that he had killed me. I was angry that he had outsmarted me; beat me at my own game. It did not matter that he lost his sanity; I was not consoled. A man with as much brainpower as a donkey had found a way to steal my glory. I could feel it bubbling in my blood, in the deepest part of my heart, the overpowering need for revenge.”)

The story very effectively states a surprise ending, moral, or lesson. (“Do you see now? Do you see why I am guilty of my own murder? Never in my life, have I felt so much emotion. I ruined a man to satisfy my pride and condemned myself to an eternity in hell. I wish that I had overcome the lust for revenge. I spend my days weeping for the man I became, for the power I called upon. I know it is selfish of me to cry for myself instead of Oswald. Now I have to pay for it. I have to endure this torture until the end of time. I envy Oswald, because unlike him, I cannot escape by slipping into the numbness of insanity, or be freed by an innocent death.”)

Organization

This story displays very effective organization. It captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“Now this tale didn’t happen just yesterday, nor the day before, but long long ago. A memory I have recalled so often that even my subconscious mind is constantly replaying it. All the ifs and could haves plague me from day to day. For you see, I am long past anger at my death. I am just drowning in deep sorrow and regret. I have longed for this moment to reveal the real story. You may now think, as I once thought, that I will plead of my innocence, telling a story of how I was a helpless victim of a crazy murderer. There are times when I wish that were the truth; then my soul could have forever rested in peace.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“On the eighth night, he made a creak louder than I could pretend to ignore. I ever so slowly opened my eyes and took in the darkness. I could see his silhouette in the corner. I called but he did not answer. I waited for what seemed like forever. If I were a younger, more fearless man, I probably would have said or done something. By then, the tingling, grasping sensations of fear had found their way up my back. They seeped over my flesh, immobilizing me. That was when he acted, shining a bright light upon my cataract eye. You could say it was a lucky aim, but I say it was fate. Faster then I could comprehend, he jumped upon me and suffocated me in my own mattress. With my last breath, I let out a stifled scream.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“Do you see now? Do you see why I am guilty of my own murder? Never in my life, have I felt so much emotion. I ruined a man to satisfy my pride and condemned myself to an eternity in hell. I wish that I had overcome the lust for revenge. I spend my days weeping for the man I became, for the power I called upon. I know it is selfish of me to cry for myself instead of Oswald. Now I have to pay for it. I have to endure this torture until the end of time. I envy Oswald, because unlike him, I cannot escape by slipping into the numbness of insanity, or be freed by an innocent death.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style in this essay are very effective. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used throughout.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph through the use of sentence variety and a strong sense of description. (“ I was damned the second my new butler set his polished shoe upon my floor. Oswald was his name, and oh, how I loathed him. Why? He was so content and pleased with his life it filled me with jealousy. I would have lost my will to live if I had to stand one more day with his glowing persona. I made up a dirty but madly entertaining game out of him. The object was for Oswald to get so paranoid he would leave thinking it was completely of his own will. It made me feel like a puppet master. He would bend to my turns. I got the most thrills from taunting him with my cataract eye. I never knew it would drive him as far as murder. …I could feel the tension thickening as the days went on. Finally, each midnight for a week, he came into my room and shined a light into my face. He thought he was undetected. I kept my eyes clamped tightly shut. I don t know how I resisted the temptation to burst out laughing. Ha! I bet that would have surprised him. As you’ve probably concluded, my joke ended up going further than planned.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ I was damned the second my new butler set his polished shoe upon my floor. Oswald was his name, and oh, how I loathed him. Why? He was so content and pleased with his life it filled me with jealousy. I would have lost my will to live if I had to stand one more day with his glowing persona. I made up a dirty but madly entertaining game out of him. The object was for Oswald to get so paranoid he would leave thinking it was completely of his own will. It made me feel like a puppet master. He would bend to my turns. I got the most thrills from taunting him with my cataract eye. I never knew it would drive him as far as murder. …I could feel the tension thickening as the days went on. Finally, each midnight for a week, he came into my room and shined a light into my face. He thought he was undetected. I kept my eyes clamped tightly shut. I don t know how I resisted the temptation to burst out laughing. Ha! I bet that would have surprised him. As you’ve probably concluded, my joke ended up going further than planned.”)

The complex sentence, “ You may now think, as I once thought, that I will plead of my innocence, telling a story of how I was a helpless victim of a crazy murderer,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is conveyed in this essay. There are few o r no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I could feel the tension thickening as the days went on. Finally, each midnight for a week, he came into my room and shined a light into my face.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

True! He may act nervous very, very, dreadfully nervous, but mad? He is not mad at all, actually, he is quite acute. As the words came through my mouth I gazed off as if almost in a trance. Mad? The two police officers that told me this foolish news simply shrugged their shoulders and followed their daily routine. Why would they think he is mad, he is just a simple man staying in my fairly simple boarding house. Well, pish posh, this information will be as if it went through one ear and out the other.

He loves me. I had never wronged him, never gave him an insult. For my gold he had no desire,but one thing, one thing, vexed me. I don't understand this. If I talk to the young man he is content until I turn my attention upon him. It is almost as if he would stop dead cold, almost as if the blood in his veins would freeze, as if he is scared, worried, or even angry about something,but what about? What made this man, this grown man so, so, refrained?

Oh, it's my eye! NO! What a foolish thought. Sure, I do have a sky blue eye with a thin white film over it, but certainly not to worry that any grown man could not tell what a simple case of cataracts is right? Well, am I right? Though nothing had happened for the past week, I have felt as though someone or something had been watching me, eyeing me every night, and every morning I found my lantern barely creaked open.

For the next day and night I found myself very wary. I fastened the shudders to my bedroom window through the fear of robbers. Who knew "the crazy man" would comfort me every morning of this week. Crazy? I don't think so? Every morning for seven long days he would come boldly into my chamber and speak courageously to me, calling me by my name and inquiring on how I had passed the night.

Upon the eighth night I was about to doze of to sleep when something startled me! The sound of a short creak as if a bolt coming undone made me spring up in bed crying out, "Who's There?" I sat up in bed for a whole hour terrified and listening for various sounds. The whole time I had been thinking to myself why, why do you, whoever you are, why do want me. I myself highly doubted why someone would ever want a useless old fragile man and ever since I had awoken my fears had been gaining upon me.

I kept repeating in my head and saying to myself that it is nothing but the wind in the chimney, a mouse crossing the floor, or merely a cricket which has made a single chirp. My heart was racing! It was a dull, quick sound, such as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. The terror was extreme! My heartbeat grew quicker and quicker and louder and louder every instant!

I thought to myself, I should tell the neighbors but something made me cautiously sit back down. I will tell him. That's it! I will tell the "crazy" man! As I got up to tell at least another soul about this dreadful experience I heard a loud yell. "Aghhhh," screamed the man!!! Oh no, it was him, the "crazy" man! He threw open the the lantern and leaped into the room! I shrieked once, once only, and tried to escape, but he was far to strong for a weary old man like me. He dragged me to the floor, pulled my mattress over me and thought the job was through, but I refused to to give up. I fought and fought until I could fight no longer. Slowly my time came to leave this sacred place and it is too late, but now I know that such "foolishness" can be true.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story provides good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is clear. (“True! He may act nervous very, very, dreadfully nervous, but mad? He is not mad at all, actually, he is quite acute. As the words came through my mouth I gazed off as if almost in a trance. Mad? The two police officers that told me this foolish news simply shrugged their shoulders and followed their daily routine. Why would they think he is mad, he is just a simple man staying in my fairly simple boarding house. Well, pish posh, this information will be as if it went through one ear and out the other.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Upon the eighth night I was about to doze of to sleep when something startled me! The sound of a short creak as if a bolt coming undone made me spring up in bed crying out, ‘Who's There?’ I sat up in bed for a whole hour terrified and listening for various sounds. The whole time I had been thinking to myself why, why do you, whoever you are, why do want me. I myself highly doubted why someone would ever want a useless old fragile man and ever since I had awoken my fears had been gaining upon me.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“My heart was racing! It was a dull, quick sound, such as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. The terror was extreme! My heartbeat grew quicker and quicker and louder and louder every instant!”)

Content & Development

The story contains good content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting, while creating believable characters and establishing tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Effective sensory detail develops the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“He loves me. I had never wronged him, never gave him an insult. For my gold he had no desire,but one thing, one thing, vexed me. I don't understand this. If I talk to the young man he is content until I turn my attention upon him. It is almost as if he would stop dead cold, almost as if the blood in his veins would freeze, as if he is scared, worried, or even angry about something,but what about? What made this man, this grown man so, so, refrained?”)

Details effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. (“I thought to myself, I should tell the neighbors but something made me cautiously sit back down. I will tell him. That's it! I will tell the ‘crazy’ man! As I got up to tell at least another soul about this dreadful experience I heard a loud yell. ‘Aghhhh,’ screamed the man!!! Oh no, it was him, the ‘crazy’ man!”)

Details effectively describe the story’s solution. (“I thought to myself, I should tell the neighbors but something made me cautiously sit back down. I will tell him. That's it! I will tell the ‘crazy’ man! As I got up to tell at least another soul about this dreadful experience I heard a loud yell. ‘Aghhhh,’ screamed the man!!! Oh no, it was him, the ‘crazy’ man! He threw open the the lantern and leaped into the room! I shrieked once, once only, and tried to escape, but he was far to strong for a weary old man like me. He dragged me to the floor, pulled my mattress over me and thought the job was through, but I refused to to give up. I fought and fought until I could fight no longer. Slowly my time came to leave this sacred place and it is too late, but now I know that such ‘foolishness’ can be true.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent within the content of this narrative. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The narrative flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation, a flashback, or foreshadowing. (“ True! He may act nervous very, very, dreadfully nervous, but mad? He is not mad at all, actually, he is quite acute. As the words came through my mouth I gazed off as if almost in a trance. Mad? The two police officers that told me this foolish news simply shrugged their shoulders and followed their daily routine. Why would they think he is mad, he is just a simple man staying in my fairly simple boarding house. Well, pish posh, this information will be as if it went through one ear and out the other.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ For the next day and night I found myself very wary. …Upon the eighth night I was about to doze of to sleep when something startled me!”)

The ending effectively states a lesson. (“ Slowly my time came to leave this sacred place and it is too late, but now I know that such "foolishness" can be true.”)

Language Use & Style

Evidence of good language use and style is found in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. W ell-structured sentences with some variety are also seen .

The language and tone are consistent in the use of sensory details and sentence variety. (“ For the next day and night I found myself very wary. I fastened the shudders to my bedroom window through the fear of robbers. Who knew ‘the crazy man’ would comfort me every morning of this week. Crazy? I don't think so?”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ True! He may act nervous very, very, dreadfully nervous, but mad? He is not mad at all, actually, he is quite acute. As the words came through my mouth I gazed off as if almost in a trance. Mad? The two police officers that told me this foolish news simply shrugged their shoulders and followed their daily routine. Why would they think he is mad, he is just a simple man staying in my fairly simple boarding house. Well, pish posh, this information will be as if it went through one ear and out the other. …He loves me. I had never wronged him, never gave him an insult. For my gold he had no desire,but one thing, one thing, vexed me. I don't understand this. If I talk to the young man he is content until I turn my attention upon him. It is almost as if he would stop dead cold, almost as if the blood in his veins would freeze, as if he is scared, worried, or even angry about something,but what about? What made this man, this grown man so, so, refrained?”)

The complex sentence, “ I had never wronged him, never gave him an insult,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control over the use of mechanics and conventions of writing. There are fe w errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ He is not mad at all, actually, he is quite acute. As the words came through my mouth I gazed off as if almost in a trance.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Wow! That was terrifying! I can't believe that just happened! Hello, my name is Ruud Van Nistleroy, and I just got finished experiencing the most terrifying thing that happened to me. You probably already know about it, but I feel I must tell you. The thing is about this mad-man who is terrified by my glass eye.

The mad-man is very tall, but not very muscular. He has long, skinny legs, but a tiny torso. He has black hair with gray hairs. He always wears a tux or something fancy. The scariest thing of all is the he loves black. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to be worried about, but I was. The weirdest thing is that he has always been kind to me, can't seem to not look at my glass eye.

Almost every night that I would go to bed; I could promise that I could hear a door opening. I didn't worry about it, but at my age(sixty-four)my ears could be playing tricks on me at anytime. The eight night the door opened, I still thought it was just my ears. Then all of a sudden I heard a tink, like tin hitting wood. I knew then that somebody was in my room. After a minute or two a light shined on my glass eye. All of a sudden, the mad-man came screaming into my room, pulled me off the bed, and smothered me in my own mattress. After he killed me, he dismembered my body, and put me under the wood floor in my workroom.

The police knocked on the door and the mad-man answered. "The neighbor reported a scream emanating from this house hold, do you know anything about this?" asked one of the policemen.

"Well everything's fine here, but you look tired why don't you come in and rest a while." The mad-man replied.

So, the policeman came in as invited, and followed the mad-man into the workroom in which I was buried. The mad-man pulled up a chair and placed it right over my body. The two policemen started chatting back and forth to each other. The mad-man started going crazy, so he screamed for them to tear up the floor up under his chair and arrest him for this fowl thing he had committed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are clear to the readers of this essay. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event adequately. (“Wow! That was terrifying! I can't believe that just happened! Hello, my name is Ruud Van Nistleroy, and I just got finished experiencing the most terrifying thing that happened to me. You probably already know about it, but I feel I must tell you. The thing is about this mad-man who is terrified by my glass eye.”)

Details about characters are adequate. (“The mad-man is very tall, but not very muscular. He has long, skinny legs, but a tiny torso. He has black hair with gray hairs. He always wears a tux or something fancy. The scariest thing of all is the he loves black. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to be worried about, but I was. The weirdest thing is that he has always been kind to me, can't seem to not look at my glass eye.”)

There is adequate use of dialogue. (“The police knocked on the door and the mad-man answered. ‘The neighbor reported a scream emanating from this house hold, do you know anything about this?’ asked one of the policemen. ‘Well everything's fine here, but you look tired why don't you come in and rest a while.’ The mad-man replied.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are adequate. Provided is a reasonably developed plot and setting with believable characters. The writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may also be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“Almost every night that I would go to bed; I could promise that I could hear a door opening. I didn't worry about it, but at my age(sixty-four)my ears could be playing tricks on me at anytime. The eight night the door opened, I still thought it was just my ears. Then all of a sudden I heard a tink, like tin hitting wood. I knew then that somebody was in my room. After a minute or two a light shined on my glass eye. All of a sudden, the mad-man came screaming into my room, pulled me off the bed, and smothered me in my own mattress. After he killed me, he dismembered my body, and put me under the wood floor in my workroom.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s problem. (“Wow! That was terrifying! I can't believe that just happened! Hello, my name is Ruud Van Nistleroy, and I just got finished experiencing the most terrifying thing that happened to me. You probably already know about it, but I feel I must tell you. The thing is about this mad-man who is terrified by my glass eye.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“So, the policeman came in as invited, and followed the mad-man into the workroom in which I was buried. The mad-man pulled up a chair and placed it right over my body. The two policemen started chatting back and forth to each other. The mad-man started going crazy, so he screamed for them to tear up the floor up under his chair and arrest him for this fowl thing he had committed.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is evident in this story. The narrative features an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Wow! That was terrifying! I can't believe that just happened! Hello, my name is Ruud Van Nistleroy, and I just got finished experiencing the most terrifying thing that happened to me. You probably already know about it, but I feel I must tell you. The thing is about this mad-man who is terrified by my glass eye.”)

The mood in the beginning is set with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ Almost every night that I would go to bed; I could promise that I could hear a door opening. I didn't worry about it, but at my age(sixty-four)my ears could be playing tricks on me at anytime. The eight night the door opened, I still thought it was just my ears. Then all of a sudden I heard a tink, like tin hitting wood. I knew then that somebody was in my room. After a minute or two a light shined on my glass eye. All of a sudden, the mad-man came screaming into my room, pulled me off the bed, and smothered me in my own mattress. After he killed me, he dismembered my body, and put me under the wood floor in my workroom.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Then all of a sudden I heard a tink, like tin hitting wood. I knew then that somebody was in my room. After a minute or two a light shined on my glass eye. All of a sudden, the mad-man came screaming into my room, pulled me off the bed, and smothered me in my own mattress. After he killed me, he dismembered my body, and put me under the wood floor in my workroom.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is seen in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; the writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety .

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Wow! That was terrifying! I can't believe that just happened! … Almost every night that I would go to bed; I could promise that I could hear a door opening. I didn't worry about it, but at my age(sixty-four)my ears could be playing tricks on me at anytime. The eight night the door opened, I still thought it was just my ears.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “mad” and “madness” from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ The thing is about this mad-man who is terrified by my glass eye.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the writer uses the words “stupid” and “weird.” (“ I know that sounds like a stupid thing to be worried about, but I was. The weirdest thing is that he has always been kind to me, can't seem to not look at my glass eye.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is apparent within the story. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The eight night the door opened, I still thought it was just my ears.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I am an old man who lives alone. I have an unusual eye. It is a pale blue color with a film over the color. I lost my other eye in a war. It has been thirty years since I lost my other eye.

I have a very crazy neighbor. He can't stand my eye. I have never given he insults. I have also never wronged him. He is just a madman.

My crazy neighbor had planned to kill me. He came into my house for seven nights. Every night my eye was closed. He would always shine a ray of light onto my eye. That light never woke me up.

It was the eighth night that my neighbor came into my house. When he opened the door, the door made a noise that woke me up. When I woke up, I yelled, "Who's there!" My neighbor didn't move a muscle for about an hour. When I finally got back to sleep, my neighbor shined the ray of light on my eye. Then, he dragged me off my bed, and then dragged my heavy bed on top of me.

Then he heard a knock at the door. So he cut up my body and put me under the floor. Then he went to greet the people. He took them around the house. When they got to the room where he had put me under the floor, they sat down to chat. I could hear every word that they said. Then my neighbor could hear my heartbeat. That's when he got scared. So he just gave up and admitted that he killed me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides limited focus and meaning and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are also seen that may not be relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event. (“Then he heard a knock at the door. So he cut up my body and put me under the floor. Then he went to greet the people. He took them around the house. When they got to the room where he had put me under the floor, they sat down to chat. I could hear every word that they said. Then my neighbor could hear my heartbeat. That's when he got scared. So he just gave up and admitted that he killed me.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“My crazy neighbor had planned to kill me. He came into my house for seven nights. Every night my eye was closed. He would always shine a ray of light onto my eye. That light never woke me up.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“I have a very crazy neighbor. He can't stand my eye. I have never given he insults. I have also never wronged him. He is just a madman.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are seen in this story. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated, but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“My crazy neighbor had planned to kill me. He came into my house for seven nights. Every night my eye was closed. He would always shine a ray of light onto my eye. That light never woke me up.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“I am an old man who lives alone. I have an unusual eye. It is a pale blue color with a film over the color. I lost my other eye in a war. It has been thirty years since I lost my other eye.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is limited. (“It was the eighth night that my neighbor came into my house. When he opened the door, the door made a noise that woke me up. When I woke up, I yelled, ‘Who's there!’ My neighbor didn't move a muscle for about an hour. When I finally got back to sleep, my neighbor shined the ray of light on my eye. Then, he dragged me off my bed, and then dragged my heavy bed on top of me .”)

Organization

The organization in this story appears to be limited. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, yet the story provides readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ I am an old man who lives alone. I have an unusual eye. It is a pale blue color with a film over the color. I lost my other eye in a war. It has been thirty years since I lost my other eye.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Then he heard a knock at the door. So he cut up my body and put me under the floor. Then he went to greet the people.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ Then he heard a knock at the door. So he cut up my body and put me under the floor. Then he went to greet the people. He took them around the house. When they got to the room where he had put me under the floor, they sat down to chat. I could hear every word that they said. Then my neighbor could hear my heartbeat. That's when he got scared. So he just gave up and admitted that he killed me.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is limited. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ I have a very crazy neighbor. He can't stand my eye. I have never given he insults. I have also never wronged him. He is just a madman.”)

There is repetition, as “color” and “other eye” are repeated in the introduction. (“ It is a pale blue color with a film over the color. I lost my other eye in a war. It has been thirty years since I lost my other eye.”)

T ransitions are needed. (“ I have a very crazy neighbor. He can't stand my eye. I have never given he insults. I have also never wronged him. He is just a madman.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates limited control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I have a very crazy neighbor. He can't stand my eye. I have never given he insults.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

You crazy were my latest words as my crazy caretaker killed me. Man I tell you be careful whom you trust. Well I' m at home with my crazy. Well, I'm at home with this disturbed caretaker that I hired and the police. this is after I died. Yeah thats rights a ghost, let me explain to you how I got here.

I can't believe I hired this guy, I meam he must of had a few screws loose. When I hired him he seamed nice. But, as time progressed he kept starring at my eye. Oh I forgot to tell you why I hired him, I have a big blue nasty cataract. He even stated watching me at night while i would try to go to sleep.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are exhibited in this story. The writer demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“You crazy were my latest words as my crazy caretaker killed me. Man I tell you be careful whom you trust. Well I' m at home with my crazy. Well, I'm at home with this disturbed caretaker that I hired and the police. this is after I died. Yeah thats rights a ghost, let me explain to you how I got here.”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“I can't believe I hired this guy, I meam he must of had a few screws loose. When I hired him he seamed nice. But, as time progressed he kept starring at my eye. Oh I forgot to tell you why I hired him, I have a big blue nasty cataract. He even stated watching me at night while i would try to go to sleep.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I can't believe I hired this guy, I meam he must of had a few screws loose. When I hired him he seamed nice. But, as time progressed he kept starring at my eye. Oh I forgot to tell you why I hired him, I have a big blue nasty cataract. He even stated watching me at night while i would try to go to sleep.”)

Content & Development

This story consists of minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting with characters that are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. Furthermore, the story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“I can't believe I hired this guy, I meam he must of had a few screws loose. When I hired him he seamed nice. But, as time progressed he kept starring at my eye. Oh I forgot to tell you why I hired him, I have a big blue nasty cataract. He even stated watching me at night while i would try to go to sleep.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“You crazy were my latest words as my crazy caretaker killed me. Man I tell you be careful whom you trust. Well I' m at home with my crazy. Well, I'm at home with this disturbed caretaker that I hired and the police. this is after I died. Yeah thats rights a ghost, let me explain to you how I got here.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“You crazy were my latest words as my crazy caretaker killed me. Man I tell you be careful whom you trust. Well I' m at home with my crazy. Well, I'm at home with this disturbed caretaker that I hired and the police. this is after I died. Yeah thats rights a ghost, let me explain to you how I got here.”)

Organization

The story in question delivers minimal organization. The narrative provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence, and there is little evidence of an appropriate ending.

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ I can't believe I hired this guy, I meam he must of had a few screws loose. When I hired him he seamed nice. But, as time progressed he kept starring at my eye. Oh I forgot to tell you why I hired him, I have a big blue nasty cataract. He even stated watching me at night while i would try to go to sleep.”)

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ You crazy were my latest words as my crazy caretaker killed me. Man I tell you be careful whom you trust. Well I' m at home with my crazy. Well, I'm at home with this disturbed caretaker that I hired and the police. this is after I died. Yeah thats rights a ghost, let me explain to you how I got here.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ I can't believe I hired this guy, I meam he must of had a few screws loose. When I hired him he seamed nice. But, as time progressed he kept starring at my eye. Oh I forgot to tell you why I hired him, I have a big blue nasty cataract. He even stated watching me at night while i would try to go to sleep.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is seen in the story. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. B asic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ Yeah thats rights a ghost, let me explain to you how I got here.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ Well I' m at home with my crazy.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ I can't believe I hired this guy, I meam he must of had a few screws loose. When I hired him he seamed nice. But, as time progressed he kept starring at my eye. Oh I forgot to tell you why I hired him, I have a big blue nasty cataract. He even stated watching me at night while i would try to go to sleep.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of the story demonstrates only minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Well I' m at home with my crazy. …this is after I died.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning within this story are inadequate. The narrative demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

The story does not state the main event. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

Content & Development

This story contains inadequate content and development. It l acks an identifiable plot and setting and includes characters that are introduced, but not developed. A lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

Organization

Organization within this narrative appears to be inadequate. It may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. In addition, the story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

The story demonstrates no ending. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

Language Use & Style

This writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. The brief piece of writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“it was this guy he was good to me.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates inadequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions in standard written English. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly that they interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“it was this guy he was good to me. he was never bad to me. he as a nicesest man I ever met in my life. but every night I felt tha someone was watching me. will I was sleeping in my bed, and ever time I tryed to go to sleep”)

To Change a Day in Your Life

Imagine you are given the opportunity to change a single day in your life. What day would it be and why? What important event(s) occurred on that day? How would this change affect you today?

Write an essay about what one day in your life you would change and why.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everything in life happens for a reason. The world is here to include everyone and their actions, but if destiny was tangible and I could alter these supernatural barriers, I would change a day that occurred when I was ten. Various events occurred during that day that had terrible effects. The day that I would change is the day that I went into the cool-off igloo in Epcot Disney World. Let me take you back to that very day. I am now ten years old again.

It is a great summer day. I am with my favorite aunt named Dale and we are in Florida . The ocean breeze is calm and relaxing and the animals are all out to embrace the day. They can hardly tell that they are in a man-made kingdom, a utopia away from reality. Dreams from early childhood come true as the princesses await their duties. Parades shine, as women with flowers greet the anxious travelers. Every country blends into a single, united world, a world where dreams are a reality and fantasy comes to life. It is a place where a kid can act his/her age and an adult can act like a child. Unfortunately, this is not the side of Epcot that I encountered on this ill-fated day. This day is very different because Orlando is not ninety degrees fahrenheit. Instead, it is one hundred and twelve degrees. Everyone is swimming in continuous sweat and waiting in huge lines for water bottles. People are resting on benches, suffering from heat stroke. The perfect world seems destroyed. Then out of nowhere, the black cloud seems to leave view, and at last, a refuge is in sight.

From the outside, the cool-off igloo appears to be a lame, hole-in-the-wall room, filled with fake snow and chilled air. The plastic sign says "Chill Zone" and a single man stands at the entrance. Tired from the heat, I ask Auntie Dale if we can go into the attraction. Thinking that it was just a small room, she shakes her head "no" and waits outside. I enter the cave and see fake, plastic, polar bears and snow lying across the floor. To my surprise, the small room turns into one-huge pathway that seems to never end. As the temperature drops, my confusion level begins to rise, because instead of appearing at the entrance, several doors lead out of the cave and into a store. Instead of going through the one way doors, I decide to look at the store and then find a way back to the entrance. As I look around, I notice that the store is amazing. There is a “soda from across the world” fountain machine and there are little cups for taking samples. I try a few sips of soda and then I decide it is time to find a way back to my Aunt.

Just nine or ten years old at the time, finding my way through a busy theme park is very difficult. I get stumped looking for a way back, so I decide to ask for some help finding my way. A nice southern couple sees my frightened tears and offers some help. They take me to a worker and he helps me find the Chill Zone. When I get to the entrance, I get very nervous, since I can hear that my aunt is upset and calling for me. When I finally get her, she is very upset. She then told me everything that happened while I was lost. She tells me that when she was looking for me, she asked the man in front of the Chill Zone where the place led. He gave her vague information, and she asked him to look out for me while she was gone. When my aunt came back to the man, he pointed out the most inaccurate girls. He had no consideration while I was lost, so my Aunt took me with her to customer service and complained.

By this time, it is around five o'clock and towards the end of the day. There is time for only one ride left, and with my recent complaints, I managed to get a VIP cut through pass onto one ride of my choice. I decide to go on the Crystal Ball ride which is two hours, but not for me. The day turns out fantastic. Unfortunately, there is a lot more to the story, because the southern couple that helped me had whooping cough and a day later, I have it, too. For the next four months I was sick. I was unable to run at school, unable to breath correctly, and unable to talk in large sentences. I hated every minute of whooping cough, which is why I would change the day that I got lost in Disney World.

If I changed this day, I would never have gotten whooping cough. Every time a letter from school comes saying that someone was just diagnosed with it, I remember when I had the disease. This would all have changed if I was never lost. In science, I would never have chosen whooping cough as a disease for a class project. Everything would have been different. If I ever got a chance to relive that day, I would have paid no attention to The Chill Zone. I would walk right by that attraction and never look twice. Every day, I wondered how I had such bad luck. Pertussis, the scientific name for whooping cough, is contagious within only twenty-four hours. It is safe anytime after that. Out of the thousands of people in Disney World that day, I came in contact with the two people who had it.

The day that I got lost in Disney World is one day that I would never mind changing. That day had grave effects that harmed my health greatly. I will always remember those disastrous effects. I will remember the way that my aunt looked at me when she thought I was lost, and how the customer service man felt so sorry for our trouble. The day that I was lost in Epcot is a day that I will always remember, which is why it would be a great day to change.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this insightful analysis, the author identifies and maintains a thorough understanding of the purpose of the assignment. The author completes all parts of the task through a thoughtful and detailed description of the events in her life she would like to change. A strong central idea emerges in the introduction and is maintained throughout the essay. (“Everything in life happens for a reason. The world is here to include everyone and their actions, but if destiny was tangible and I could alter these supernatural barriers, I would change a day that occurred when I was ten. Various events occurred during that day that had terrible effects. The day that I would change is the day that I went into the cool-off igloo in Epcot Disney World.”)

Content & Development

In the response, the author develops the thesis by incorporating very effective details and examples that describe the setting, plot, and conflicts. The author goes into detail elaborating on the struggles she faced. (“From the outside, the cool-off igloo appears to be a lame, hole-in-the-wall room, filled with fake snow and chilled air. The plastic sign says "Chill Zone" and a single man stands at the entrance. Tired from the heat, I ask Auntie Dale if we can go into the attraction. Thinking that it was just a small room, she shakes her head "no" and waits outside. I enter the cave and see fake, plastic, polar bears and snow lying across the floor. To my surprise, the small room turns into one-huge pathway that seems to never end. As the temperature drops, my confusion level begins to rise, because instead of appearing at the entrance, several doors lead out of the cave and into a store. Instead of going through the one way doors, I decide to look at the store and then find a way back to the entrance. As I look around, I notice that the store is amazing. There is a “soda from across the world” fountain machine and there are little cups for taking samples. I try a few sips of soda and then I decide it is time to find a way back to my Aunt.”) Throughout the essay, all of the ideas are fully developed using a wide variety of details and examples as support.

Organization

This essay is cohesively organized. The introduction begins with an attention-grabbing statement. (“Everything in life happens for a reason. The world is here to include everyone and their actions, but if destiny was tangible and I could alter these supernatural barriers, I would change a day that occurred when I was ten.”) The essay flows smoothly because each body paragraph begins with a strong transitional device and focused topic sentence. (“By this time, it is around five o'clock and towards the end of the day. There is time for only one ride left, and with my recent complaints, I managed to get a VIP cut through pass onto one ride of my choice. I decide to go on the Crystal Ball ride which is two hours, but not for me. The day turns out fantastic. Unfortunately, there is a lot more to the story, because the southern couple that helped me had whooping cough and a day later, I have it, too. For the next four months I was sick.”) The author very effectively concludes the essay by summarizing what she has learned. (“The day that I got lost in Disney World is one day that I would never mind changing. That day had grave effects that harmed my health greatly. I will always remember those disastrous effects. I will remember the way that my aunt looked at me when she thought I was lost, and how the customer service man felt so sorry for our trouble. The day that I was lost in Epcot is a day that I will always remember, which is why it would be a great day to change.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use in this essay is precise and effective. The writer’s word choices and sentence structure are sophisticated, and convey the writer’s intended tone. (“The world is here to include everyone and their actions, but if destiny was tangible and I could alter these supernatural barriers, I would change a day that occurred when I was ten. Various events occurred during that day that had terrible effects. The day that I would change is the day that I went into the cool-off igloo in Epcot Disney World. Let me take you back to that very day. I am now ten years old again.“) The author’s control of voice is visible throughout the response. (“Unfortunately, there is a lot more to the story, because the southern couple that helped me had whooping cough and a day later, I have it, too. For the next four months I was sick. I was unable to run at school, unable to breath correctly, and unable to talk in large sentences. I hated every minute of whooping cough, which is why I would change the day that I got lost in Disney World. “)

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Although a few errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling are noticeable, they do not interfere with the author’s intended message. (“ Every day, I wondered how I had such bad luck. Pertussis, the scientific name for whooping cough, is contagious within only twenty-four hours. It is safe anytime after that. Out of the thousands of people in Disney World that day, I came in contact with the two people who had it.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people have regrets. Almost all of these people would do anything to change what they regret and stop it from happening. If I could change any one day in my life, I would change the Sunday that I came home and my dog was gone.

My sister was allergic to fur, and we had a dog, Cassie. I loved Cassie more than anything and would do anything to get her back. One day, I came home from Sunday school and she was gone. I knew my parents were talking about doing something about my sister's allergies, possibly giving the dog away, but I never thought they would actually do it, especially without letting me saying goodbye. When I walked in the door, and saw her cage was missing, I looked to my parents who were sitting at the kitchen counter. The fact that my father wasn't looking at me at all and the look on my mothers face told me that Cassie was gone. I felt like breaking out into tears right then and there, but I wouldn't let myself cry in front of them. I didn't know why I didn't want then to see me cry, all I knew was that I couldn't. Right now, I wish that day was all different. If I could change that day, this is how it would go...

First of all, I would make sure to ask my mother what we were going to do about Cassie to solve my sister's problem. Then I would make her promise me that if we did give Cassie away, then she should let me know ahead of time and let me go with her to take Cassie wherever she would go. Then I would try to stay home from Sunday school that day. This would at least insure that I would be able to say goodbye to Cassie before she left, if she left. Weather I went to Sunday school or not, I would at least make sure to have one more day with Cassie, and would definitely make the best of it.

With this second chance, I would research and ask my doctor about any medication my sister can take to avoid her allergy problems. Hopefully this will lead to me being able to keep Cassie. If I did get to keep her, I would be extremely grateful, especially knowing that, otherwise, she would've been gone. I think this would also lead to a lot of differences in how I act now. I think that I would be less lazy if I were to keep her. I mean this in the way that I would have to be more active in taking care of her and playing with her. Also, I would be a lot more fit, and would have less time for lazy, inactive habits, such as so much TV and computer time. I would also be less lonely. I say this because I am very close to my brother, and now he goes to college, along with my sister. In my house it is just me and my parents. When I think about this, I really wish I did have Cassie with me. Overall, if I had Cassie in my life now, I would be a lot happier.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response shares a complete and touching story. The author describes the day he/she lost their dog and provides the scenario on that upsetting day. A controlling idea or focus is introduced in the first paragraph and is maintained throughout. (“If I could change any one day in my life, I would change the Sunday that I came home and my dog was gone.”) The author remains focused on this idea and provides details and descriptions that are vivid and relevant to the story.

Content & Development

The essay provides a fully constructed story through an examination of a particular day in this person’s life. (“When I walked in the door, and saw her cage was missing, I looked to my parents who were sitting at the kitchen counter. The fact that my father wasn't looking at me at all and the look on my mothers face told me that Cassie was gone. I felt like breaking out into tears right then and there…”) The second half of the response provides an alternate perspective of how the day should have turned out. (“With this second chance, I would research and ask my doctor about any medication my sister can take to avoid her allergy problems. Hopefully this will lead to me being able to keep Cassie. If I did get to keep her, I would be extremely grateful, especially knowing that, otherwise, she would've been gone.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization through a mostly unified structure. The opening paragraph begins with an introductory sentence that grabs the reader’s attention (“Many people have regrets. Almost all of these people would do anything to change what they regret and stop it from happening.”) and ends with a controlling idea. Transitional devices are seen throughout the response as well (“First of all” and “With this second chance”). The story concludes with statements about what it would mean to this student to have the opportunity to recreate this day again. (“I would also be less lonely. I say this because I am very close to my brother, and now he goes to college, along with my sister. In my house it is just me and my parents. “)

Language Use & Style

The author’s writing style and language are very appropriate for this task. In this response, most word choice is descriptive and most sentences are well-structured and varied. (“When I walked in the door, and saw her cage was missing, I looked to my parents who were sitting at the kitchen counter. The fact that my father wasn't looking at me at all and the look on my mothers face told me that Cassie was gone. I felt like breaking out into tears right then and there, but I wouldn't let myself cry in front of them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors compromise the integrity of the essay. The author’s good control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English is obvious in this response. While there are a few errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation (“Weather” and “insure”), they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The day I would change in my life would be the day I decided not to go out for football in sixth grade. I choose that day because I would be better at doing my job on the field. I didn't go out for football that year because I knew I would miss the first weeks of practices. I would be better at playing my position now if I went out for football that year. That is one day that I would change. Football is the only sport that I like that's why I would change that day.

If I went out for football that year I would have learned the basics at my position. I would have been really good at playing my position. I first learned everything the year after that. I wasn't really good at my position though. If I learned everything the year before I would have been really good in seventh grade. If I learned the basics of the linemen, I would be one step ahead of everyone else. If I could change that day, I would know how to do my job without having to learn it again. Doing my job on the field would be simple right now if I went out for football that year.

I didn't go out for football that year because the first practice was on the day as the Packer game was on that I was going to go to that day. The day after that I was sick and I couldn't go to practice. Eventually I decided to quit because I missed the first few practices and I thought that the coaches would be mad at me. Everyone at school that went out for football asked me why I didn't go out for football. I always told them I didn't want to go out for football that year.

My favorite sport is football and that's why I would change that day. I would be much better now at being a lineman. I would know all the moves and stances if I went out for football that year. I wouldn't have had to learn all the moves again this year if I went out for football that year. When I was in seventh grade I had to learn all of the stances and moves before I could play in a game. I was really good at my position on the field this year but I could have been better if I went out for football that year.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. In this essay, the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the assignment by describing the day he/she would like to change. (“ The day I would change in my life would be the day I decided not to go out for football in sixth grade.”) The author exhibits meaning and focus to the audience by providing descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

Content & Development

The author provides an adequately developed essay with sufficient examples and details. In the introductory paragraph, the author shares the reasons he/she regrets not trying out for football earlier. In the subsequent paragraphs, more details are introduced and elaborated on. (“If I learned everything the year before I would have been really good in seventh grade. If I learned the basics of the linemen, I would be one step ahead of everyone else. If I could change that day, I would know how to do my job without having to learn it again.”) Although characters and dialogue are not noticeable in this response, the development of content is adequate.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure. The introductory paragraph begins by developing a clear focus. (“I would be better at playing my position now if I went out for football that year. That is one day that I would change. Football is the only sport that I like that's why I would change that day.”) Transitional devices are also noticeable in the body of the essay (“Eventually” and “When I was in seventh grade”). The conclusion summarizes the author’s main points. (“I would be much better now at being a lineman. I would know all the moves and stances if I went out for football that year.”)

Language Use & Style

The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task. Although word choice isn’t overly sophisticated, it is adequate for this student’s grade level. (“Doing my job on the field would be simple right now if I went out for football that year.”) Most sentences are competently structured with some variety. (“Eventually I decided to quit because I missed the first few practices and I thought that the coaches would be mad at me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates an ability to adhere to the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are few errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation (“Football is the only sport that I like that's why I would change that day.“), and they do not detract from the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

To change a day in my life I would choose September 11. OnSeptember 11 I my sister woke me up and told me " two big buildings were falling." I didn't know what she was talking about, but when I saw my mom she was crying. I asked " why are you crying mom. " She told me that the twin towers had been bombed and killed thousands of people.

As soon as she said that I thought to myself " is this really happening." September 11 was one of the most worst days in my life so far. If i could change it i would have the air force shoot down the planes that had ran into the building. I would have tried to warn the United states about what would happen.

That day at school was very depressing and quiet. My teachers had been crying all day. We barely had to do any work. Ever since that day people have had more caution and protection of things. There were so many lives lost in that tragedy.

If September 11 had never happened people would have a lot more fun and happiness. So any people lost family members in that attack..Now since the attack happened, we have been fighting a war in Iraq and in Afganistan. That mad us loose even more people in the war. September 11 was the day that I would change because it was so sad.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes a limited focus and meaning. Although an attempt at developing a controlling idea is evident (“To change a day in my life I would choose September 11.”), it is not fully developed or maintained. Therefore, this response shows only a partial understanding of the purpose, audience, and assigned task.

Content & Development

In the body of the essay, the author attempts to explain how she/he experienced September 11 th and how it could have been different. (“As soon as she said that I thought to myself ‘is this really happening.’ September 11 was one of the most worst days in my life so far. If i could change it i would have the air force shoot down the planes that had ran into the building. I would have tried to warn the United states about what would happen.”) However, the response lacks sufficient details and examples in its development.

Organization

Although the organizational structure is not wholly inappropriate, there are certainly areas that could be improved. For example, the introduction includes a controlling idea but doesn’t hold the reader’s attention. The essay also frequently jumps back and forth from the reality of what did happen in the past to the hope of what things would have been like if he/she could change that day. With more transitional devices, the flow of the response would be smoother and more cohesive.

Language Use & Style

The language use in this response is limited. The essay contains simple words and the occasionally poorly structured sentence. (“So any people lost family members in that attack.”) Some awareness of voice, however, can occasionally be detected. (“As soon as she said that I thought to myself ‘ is this really happening.’ September 11 was one of the most worst days in my life so far. If i could change it i would have the air force shoot down the planes that had ran into the building. I would have tried to warn the United states about what would happen.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows limited control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are several noticeable errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar (“That mad us loose”) that somewhat interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people have days in their lives they would like to change. The question is, "Which one would you change?"The day in my life that I would most like to change is, today.Today is just one of those days. Here, let me explain.

For all you lucky people who have never had a bad/unsensible/frustrating day, goodfor you. But occasionally you will. Today is just a day where I can't think, I can't type, and I really can't do anything correctly. (Including type this paper.)<aybe it'll get better later.......who knows. If the course of this day should be changed, I would be in a better mood and other people would not have gotten snapped at today. The events that occurred to make this day as it is I would rather not mention.I would change this day because I hate days like this.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates a minimal attempt to communicate a meaningful message to the reader. It shows only a very limited understanding of the purpose of the assignment. (“ The question is, ‘Which one would you change?’ The day in my life that I would most like to change is, today.Today is just one of those days.”) No clear or appropriate focus is visible and, therefore, the explanation provided is mostly irrelevant.

Content & Development

The author’s position is unclear, therefore, it is incompletely and minimally presented. The reader may initially believe that the second paragraph will explain why this is the day the student wants to change. (“Today is just one of those days. Here, let me explain.”) However, this curiosity is never quenched because the question is never answered and the day is never explained. (“The events that occurred to make this day as it is I would rather not mention.I would change this day because I hate days like this.”)

Organization

Little evidence of an organizational structure is detected in this brief response. While there are two separate paragraphs, it is hard to discern the characteristics of an introduction or a body within them. The first paragraph does address the prompt, but can’t be considered a fully developed introductory paragraph. The second paragraph is more of a collection of this student’s thoughts than a structured supporting paragraph. The essay lacks structure, proper paragraphing, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The language use can be described as minimal because it is composed of so many simple sentences. (“For all you lucky people who have never had a bad/unsensible/frustrating day, goodfor you.”) While word choice is not wholly inappropriate, it is not necessarily adequate either. The student’s apathy is obvious in this response. (“Today is just a day where I can't think, I can't type, and I really can't do anything correctly. (Including type this paper.)<aybe it'll get better later.......who knows.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s grasp of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English is limited. There are several errors in grammar (“unsensible”), spelling, and punctuation (“goodfor”), which interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If you had to change anyday in your lfe what would it be? I know what day I would change. I would change the day that I met this guy. Let's call him Jason. Well the reason that i would want to change this day is because me and him became god friends, and well now is is moving and next year

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The response demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author does briefly mention a day he/she would like to change (“I would change the day that I met this guy. ”), the concept is not developed or maintained. No parts of the task are completed.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop the response with any relevant ideas or supporting details. In this essay, there is no identifiable and understandable event or conflict mentioned. The only semblance of a reason appears in the last sentence (“Well the reason that i would want to change this day is because me and him became god friends, and well now is is moving and next year”), but it is not elaborated on or explained.

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a four-line response. The essay lacks basic organization. While there is some semblance of an introduction (“ If you had to change anyday in your lfe what would it be? I know what day I would change.”), there is no middle and no conclusion. The essay also lacks proper paragraphing and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates inadequate language use. Sentences are simple and poorly structured. (“Well the reason that i would want to change this day is because me and him became god friends, and well now is is moving and next year”) Also, in the essay, word choice is minimal and demonstrates no awareness of the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“lfe”), grammar, and punctuation (“that i would want”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

Transported to Another World

Imagine that you are getting ready for school when you start to hear noises coming from the closet. You open the door and are transported to another world.

Write a multi-paragraph story about what happens next.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Oh gees, I hate getting up this early everyday." I said sleepily, as I woke up that chilly fall morning and turned off my alarm clock. "I can't wait 'til' I get my school permit so I can drive to school and not have to go so early with my mom." I crawled out of my favorite bed that I got when I was in fourth grade. I love it because it makes me feel like a princess when I sleep in it. It has a pink checker patterned canopy and white flowered and dotted patterned comforter. I then walked over to my dresser to pull out my fuzzy, pink robe that I loved to put on after a nice hot shower in the morning.

I stumbled over my white vanity that has many hair products and make-up on it as I made my way to my closet. I opened my closet door, which is covered with a Superman poster, and a collage of photos of things I love. As I started looking for an outfit, I noticed something was so different, but I couldn't make out what it was. O my goodness! There was a really weird bubble shape in my closet and I had no idea what it was or how it got there. This very beautiful, middle-aged lady suddenly appeared in my closet. Her name was Daphne and she was very kind, had blonde hair, blue eyes, was intelligent, witty, grandma-ish, and one of the nicest people I had ever met. She said "Hello, Katie." I asked her in astonishment, "How in the world do you know my name?" She replied with, "I am your fairy godmother and I just want you to be happy. I am going to take you to the nicest castle in all the land. You will meet Prince Welling, whom I'm sure you will very much like. Are you ready to go?" I said, "I just woke up and I look like a zombie! Can you wait an hour or so?" She quickly zapped her wand. "Is that better?" I looked down and I had a beautiful pink dress on that I had only dreamt of wearing, my hair was in a beautiful style, and my face looked like I had just returned from a robust, two-hour facial. " Yes this is fabulous!" "Good!" she said. "Now we'll be on our way."

In a matter of minutes, we arrived at the gates of the magical Welling Windsor castle. "You will find this kingdom extra special, but make sure you look out for the horrible Orville Ortiz. He always tries to make trouble." "Alright, I will." I replied. She then announced we had arrived to King Welling and he let us through the gates. Just then, a very handsome, young man came out and greeted us. "You must be Katie." He said to me, as he greeted me with a hug. Almost speechless, I replied, " Yes, and you must be Prince Welling. What a pleasure to meet you." Daphne then said, "I will leave you two alone but if you need anything, anything at all, just tap your arm twice and I will be there in a wink."

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm pretty hungry." said Prince Welling. "Yea, I'm pretty hungry, too." I said. "Let's go eat dinner." He said. "What is for dinner, may I ask?" "The finest food you have ever had." Prince Welling said. On our way up to the castle entrance, I thought, about my family I can't just live in this magical kingdom and have them worry all this time. Oh well, I will figure something out with the help of Daphne.

We sat down for dinner and Prince Welling and I had a great chat. We talked about our past experiences, our likes, and our desired futures. I said I was kind of worried about my family, but that I would figure something out. "Well, I'm afraid if you live here you will not get to see anybody except the castle's residents. Oh, and our servant, Millie." said Prince Welling. Millie walked in and set our plates down with wonderful food that I had never seen in my life. "Oh my! This looks great!" I said. Millie had long, brown hair that was pulled back in a bun, beautiful hazelnut colored eyes, was very kind and caring, and had a pretty small body. "You must be Katie." she said as she shook my hand. "Yes, you are Millie?" "Yes, I am but I won't stay long because I know you two have a lot to talk about! Dinner is served."

"I love everything about this castle. I love you, Prince Welling, you're so nice, humble, funny, intelligent, and handsome." I said. "Millie, you are the nicest servant I have ever met." I thought a moment and then continued, "I would love to stay, but I'm afraid I would miss my family way too much. I can't have them worrying about me all this time."

Then Orville Ortiz appeared. "You should go home, all these people are just fake and don't have lives." he said. "They don't do anything all day, except think about themselves." Orville was a heavyset man, sweaty, smelly, and had a harsh voice as if he had smoked cigarettes for several years. "Don't stay, you'll regret it."

I didn't really want to take advice from him because he didn't look like a good mentor, but I did want to go home badly.

Suddenly I looked in the dining room and Prince Welling and Millie were saying good-bye. "But I don't want to go yet!" I screamed. They couldn't seem to hear me. Orville laughed his horrible laugh and said, "Its hard when people leave you when you don't want them to, isn't it? These people took my only love, Lucy, because someone kidnapped her and left a ransom note for three hundred thousand dollars. They said they would kill her if they didn't pay it. As you can assume, they didn't pay it." "I'm really sorry, but please don't punish me for this. I didn't do anything." I said. "Oh I'm not punishing you!" he said. "You and I are going to be a couple now; we can have a wonderful life together!"

"No!" I screamed. "No, that's not the way it's supposed to be!" "NO, No, No!" I screamed. I tapped my shoulder, but Daphne didn't come. I was bawling hysterically now. I'll never get home, I thought.

Orville started walking towards me. "You and I are going to get along very well, Katie." I felt so nasty. I felt bad for him, but I didn't want to be with him for the rest of my life? And where was Prince Welling and Millie? "Orville Ortiz suddenly grabbed my hand. "Come with me, Katie!" He was pulling my shoulder. "Why don't you want to come, aren't I good enough?" I started crying again. "I just don't think we would have a wonderful life together." I said. He stopped tugging. We both looked straight ahead, astonished.

"Hello, Orville!" Suddenly Lucy appeared. "I was never killed; they just said that so they would be off the hook." They finally released me and I am so excited to see you, Orville!" Orville could barely speak as Lucy walked over to him. "Oh, Lucy, I thought I would never see you again. Oh, thank God!" They walked over to the castle gates and left. "What am I going to do?" I said. "I have no idea where Prince Welling went, what happened to Millie, Daphne won't come, and I have no idea how to get home!"

Suddenly, I felt someone tugging on my shoulder. As I woke up I realized it was my mom and I had just been dreaming. Thank God! "Do you want me to make some breakfast now, sweetheart?" she asked. "Yes, please just toast and cereal." "Alright." What a dream! I wonder if there is really an enchanted world somewhere. I got up and opened my closet door to get my clothes for the day...

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are demonstrated in this story. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Furthermore, description and details are provided that are all relevant to the story.

All parts of the story relate to the main event. (“‘I love everything about this castle. I love you, Prince Welling, you're so nice, humble, funny, intelligent, and handsome.’ I said. ‘Millie, you are the nicest servant I have ever met.’ I thought a moment and then continued, ‘I would love to stay, but I'm afraid I would miss my family way too much. I can't have them worrying about me all this time.’”)

The setting (where and when the story takes place) is developed very effectively. (“I stumbled over my white vanity that has many hair products and make-up on it as I made my way to my closet. I opened my closet door, which is covered with a Superman poster, and a collage of photos of things I love. As I started looking for an outfit, I noticed something was so different, but I couldn't make out what it was.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“In a matter of minutes, we arrived at the gates of the magical Welling Windsor castle. ‘You will find this kingdom extra special, but make sure you look out for the horrible Orville Ortiz. He always tries to make trouble.’ ‘Alright, I will.’ I replied. She then announced we had arrived to King Welling and he let us through the gates. Just then, a very handsome, young man came out and greeted us.”)

Content & Development

The story contains very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The narrative clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue also is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“We sat down for dinner and Prince Welling and I had a great chat. We talked about our past experiences, our likes, and our desired futures. I said I was kind of worried about my family, but that I would figure something out. ‘Well, I'm afraid if you live here you will not get to see anybody except the castle's residents. Oh, and our servant, Millie.’ said Prince Welling. Millie walked in and set our plates down with wonderful food that I had never seen in my life. ‘Oh my! This looks great!’ I said. Millie had long, brown hair that was pulled back in a bun, beautiful hazelnut colored eyes, was very kind and caring, and had a pretty small body. ‘You must be Katie.’ she said as she shook my hand. ‘Yes, you are Millie?’ ‘Yes, I am but I won't stay long because I know you two have a lot to talk about! Dinner is served.’”)

The characters are developed in very effective detail. (“There was a really weird bubble shape in my closet and I had no idea what it was or how it got there. This very beautiful, middle-aged lady suddenly appeared in my closet. Her name was Daphne and she was very kind, had blonde hair, blue eyes, was intelligent, witty, grandma-ish, and one of the nicest people I had ever met.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem. (“Orville started walking towards me. ‘You and I are going to get along very well, Katie.’ I felt so nasty. I felt bad for him, but I didn't want to be with him for the rest of my life? And where was Prince Welling and Millie? Orville Ortiz suddenly grabbed my hand. ‘Come with me, Katie!’ He was pulling my shoulder. ‘Why don't you want to come, aren't I good enough?’ I started crying again. ‘I just don't think we would have a wonderful life together.’ I said. He stopped tugging. We both looked straight ahead, astonished.”)

Organization

The story demonstrates very effective organization. The writer captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“I love it because it makes me feel like a princess when I sleep in it. It has a pink checker patterned canopy and white flowered and dotted patterned comforter. I then walked over to my dresser to pull out my fuzzy, pink robe that I loved to put on after a nice hot shower in the morning.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Suddenly I looked in the dining room and Prince Welling and Millie were saying good-bye.”)

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“‘Oh gees, I hate getting up this early everyday.’ I said sleepily, as I woke up that chilly fall morning and turned off my alarm clock. ‘I can't wait ‘til’ I get my school permit so I can drive to school and not have to go so early with my mom.’ I crawled out of my favorite bed that I got when I was in fourth grade. I love it because it makes me feel like a princess when I sleep in it. It has a pink checker patterned canopy and white flowered and dotted patterned comforter. I then walked over to my dresser to pull out my fuzzy, pink robe that I loved to put on after a nice hot shower in the morning.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is apparent in the story. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The concluding paragraph is aligned well with the last body paragraph through language and tone.

(“‘Hello , Orville!’ Suddenly Lucy appeared. ‘I was never killed; they just said that so they would be off the hook. They finally released me and I am so excited to see you, Orville!’ Orville could barely speak as Lucy walked over to him. ‘Oh, Lucy, I thought I would never see you again. Oh, thank God!’ They walked over to the castle gates and left. ‘What am I going to do?’ I said. ‘I have no idea where Prince Welling went, what happened to Millie, Daphne won't come, and I have no idea how to get home!’ …Suddenly, I felt someone tugging on my shoulder. As I woke up I realized it was my mom and I had just been dreaming. Thank God! ‘Do you want me to make some breakfast now, sweetheart?’ she asked. ‘Yes, please just toast and cereal.’ ‘Alright.’ What a dream! I wonder if there is really an enchanted world somewhere. I got up and opened my closet door to get my clothes for the day...”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ In a matter of minutes, we arrived at the gates of the magical Welling Windsor castle. ‘You will find this kingdom extra special, but make sure you look out for the horrible Orville Ortiz. He always tries to make trouble.’ ‘Alright, I will.’ I replied. She then announced we had arrived to King Welling and he let us through the gates. Just then, a very handsome, young man came out and greeted us. ‘You must be Katie.’ He said to me, as he greeted me with a hug. Almost speechless, I replied, ‘ Yes, and you must be Prince Welling. What a pleasure to meet you.’ Daphne then said, ‘I will leave you two alone but if you need anything, anything at all, just tap your arm twice and I will be there in a wink.’…‘Well I don't know about you, but I'm pretty hungry.’ said Prince Welling. ‘Yea, I'm pretty hungry, too.’ I said. ‘Let's go eat dinner.’ He said. ‘What is for dinner, may I ask?’ ‘The finest food you have ever had.’ Prince Welling said. On our way up to the castle entrance, I thought, about my family I can't just live in this magical kingdom and have them worry all this time. Oh well, I will figure something out with the help of Daphne.”)

The compound sentence, “ I didn't really want to take advice from him because he didn't look like a good mentor, but I did want to go home badly,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer conveys very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ In a matter of minutes, we arrived at the gates of the magical Welling Windsor castle.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I was in my room when I was supossed to being doing my homework. But I was just laying on the floor listening to music, when all of the sudden, I heard a loud banging noise coming from my closet. I just sat there thinking it wasn't anything. Then I heard it again, so I get up, open the door....Then ZAP! I saw this huge flash of red and gold. The next thing I know, my feet are burning. I look around and I'm wondering how in the world I got here. Then I remembered the noise in the closet. I've been transported to another world!

When I look aroung I see nothing but sand and a few thousand-foot tall pyramids. Then I realize I'm in Egypt ! I didn't know what to do over the next few days, so I tried to get some shade next to a pyramid. But I had no food with me, so after about five days, I died! Oh no, here we go, to the After Life. I learned about this in school. This is the place where you see the gods after they have died. My teacher said that there is Osiris, his wife Isis, Horus and then the rest of Egypt 's gods. Osiris always has green skin in all of the drawings of him on the pyramids' walls. His wife is mostly always next to him. Then Horus is there too.

I was trying to remember what our teacher has taught us about the After Life. She said that you have to pass through a series gates to be accepted into the After Life. At that moment, I realized I needed to pass throguh this gates if I wanted to make it home in time for dinner. But then I remembered The Last Gate. It's where your heart is weighed on a scale against the Sacred Feather.

After about thirty minutes, I met my match....The Last Gate. When the doors opened, I saw my heart, the feather, and the Golden Scale. I walked over to the table that my heart was placed on, picked it up, and stood before Horus, Osiris, and Isis. I froze. They were all staring at me and i said, "is this the part when I have my heart weighed?"

They only nodded their heads and stood still. I slowly reached out, and handed my heart to Horus. He reached out and placed it on the Golden Scale. The scale slowly, very slowly, balanced itself out. Wait a minute! It's balanced! If I'm correct, my teacher once said that if the scale is perfectly balanced, then the person that had died is going to the After Life. I think that she also said that if the scale wasn't balanced, then the person that's trying to pass the gate is rejected. The way that the scale tells you if you passed or not, is by the wieght of your heart. The weight of your heart varies according to how many bad things that you've done in your life. Like tomb roberies, lies that have been told, or just being against the all of the laws of Egypt can make your heart weigh more.

I asked, "did I pass the Last Gate to enter into the After Life?" This time they spoke to me. Osiris and Horus' voices were very deep and scratchy. But when Isis spoke, I couldn't belive it. Her voice was as smooth as silk. It was the exact oppisite of nails on a chalkboard. I have never heard such a beautiful sound in my life. Her figure also matched her voice. It was perfect. She was so poised. Then when you looked over at the male gods, you could just laugh. They were so big and tall compared to Isis of any other female god.

Then, out of nowhere, I laughed hystericly. Horus asked, "why are you laughing? Are you laughing at me? If you're making fun of me, I can take you right out of the After Life."

"No sir. I'm sorry. I was just--" He cut me off.

"You are laughing at me, I can tell!" We got in a huge fight. That's when Isis and her husband stepped in. It wasn't going to be pretty. That's something I knew for sure. Oh boy was right! The gods were fighting! Horus had ended up insulting Isis . Of course, Osiris didn't like that. So he had slapped Horus across the face! I was just waiting and waiting for what seemed to be hours.

I yelled at the three gods to stop it, but no one could hear over the shouting rage that these three were giving off. I couldn't belive this. Three of Egypt 's most important icons shouting at each other like a couple of two year olds right in front of me. I yelled again, nothing changed. Next, I decided to try to whistle as loud as I possibly could. It worked! Finally! I can hear my self again. Wait a minute, they must be looking at me like I'm an idiot. I looked up. Yup, there they were, staring. One of them stepped forward, "is there something that you need?"

I couldn't belive this. Five seconds ago they were fighting like cats and dogs, now they're asking if I need any thing? "oh my goodness", I thought. So I spoke up. "Well there is one thing I need..." They just stared. "I need you to stop fighting!! I mean come on. You guys are gods, not not kids!" I muttered to my self, "hey, that kind of souned like mom". Boy did I feel guilty.

So I asked again, “did I pass the Last Gate to the After LIfe?" They frowned at me, but shook their heads "yes". Finally! I'm free! But wait, if i walk through those big gate doors, I'm trapped there forever. I needed to get back. I smiled as sweetly as I could and asked the gods another favor. I asked them if they could somehow zap me back to my room. They said they had a way of doing it. But they would only do it if I promised to came back and visit them again. I had no choice but to agree. Horus mumbled something under his breath that I couldn't quite make out.

But the next thing I knew...I was home!! Right when I sat down to try to figure out what had just happened, my mom called me to dinner.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story conveys evidence of good focus and meaning. The narrative demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, providing description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The story states the main event well. (“I was in my room when I was supossed to being doing my homework. But I was just laying on the floor listening to music, when all of the sudden, I heard a loud banging noise coming from my closet. I just sat there thinking it wasn't anything. Then I heard it again, so I get up, open the door....Then ZAP ! I saw this huge flash of red and gold. The next thing I know, my feet are burning. I look around and I'm wondering how in the world I got here. Then I remembered the noise in the closet. I've been transported to another world!”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain) is clear. (“I was in my room when I was supossed to being doing my homework. But I was just laying on the floor listening to music, when all of the sudden, I heard a loud banging noise coming from my closet. I just sat there thinking it wasn't anything. Then I heard it again, so I get up, open the door....Then ZAP! I saw this huge flash of red and gold. The next thing I know, my feet are burning. I look around and I'm wondering how in the world I got here. Then I remembered the noise in the closet. I've been transported to another world!”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“When I look aroung I see nothing but sand and a few thousand-foot tall pyramids. Then I realize I'm in Egypt ! I didn't know what to do over the next few days, so I tried to get some shade next to a pyramid. But I had no food with me, so after about five days, I died! Oh no, here we go, to the After Life. I learned about this in school. This is the place where you see the gods after they have died. My teacher said that there is Osiris, his wife Isis, Horus and then the rest of Egypt 's gods. Osiris always has green skin in all of the drawings of him on the pyramids' walls. His wife is mostly always next to him. Then Horus is there too.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are contained within the story. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. In addition, he/she establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“They only nodded their heads and stood still. I slowly reached out, and handed my heart to Horus. He reached out and placed it on the Golden Scale. The scale slowly, very slowly, balanced itself out. Wait a minute! It's balanced! If I'm correct, my teacher once said that if the scale is perfectly balanced, then the person that had died is going to the After Life. I think that she also said that if the scale wasn't balanced, then the person that's trying to pass the gate is rejected. The way that the scale tells you if you passed or not, is by the wieght of your heart. The weight of your heart varies according to how many bad things that you've done in your life. Like tomb roberies, lies that have been told, or just being against the all of the laws of Egypt can make your heart weigh more.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“When I look aroung I see nothing but sand and a few thousand-foot tall pyramids. Then I realize I'm in Egypt ! …Oh no, here we go, to the After Life. I learned about this in school. This is the place where you see the gods after they have died. My teacher said that there is Osiris, his wife Isis, Horus and then the rest of Egypt 's gods. Osiris always has green skin in all of the drawings of him on the pyramids' walls. His wife is mostly always next to him. Then Horus is there too.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem. (“I couldn't belive this. Five seconds ago they were fighting like cats and dogs, now they're asking if I need any thing? ‘oh my goodness’, I thought. So I spoke up. ‘Well there is one thing I need...’ They just stared. ‘I need you to stop fighting!! I mean come on. You guys are gods, not not kids!’ I muttered to my self, ‘hey, that kind of souned like mom’. Boy did I feel guilty.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent within the narrative. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ I was in my room when I was supossed to being doing my homework. But I was just laying on the floor listening to music, when all of the sudden, I heard a loud banging noise coming from my closet. I just sat there thinking it wasn't anything. Then I heard it again, so I get up, open the door....Then ZAP! I saw this huge flash of red and gold. The next thing I know, my feet are burning. I look around and I'm wondering how in the world I got here. Then I remembered the noise in the closet. I've been transported to another world!”)

Transitions are effectively used to make the beginning creative and exciting. (“ I was in my room when I was supossed to being doing my homework. But I was just laying on the floor listening to music, when all of the sudden, I heard a loud banging noise coming from my closet. I just sat there thinking it wasn't anything. Then I heard it again, so I get up, open the door....Then ZAP! I saw this huge flash of red and gold. The next thing I know, my feet are burning. I look around and I'm wondering how in the world I got here. Then I remembered the noise in the closet. I've been transported to another world!”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ After about thirty minutes, I met my match....The Last Gate.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows evidence of good language use and style in the narrative. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience, as well as well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent in their use of an excitable and nervous tone, along with exclamations used throughout. (“ When I look aroung I see nothing but sand and a few thousand-foot tall pyramids. Then I realize I'm in Egypt ! I didn't know what to do over the next few days, so I tried to get some shade next to a pyramid. But I had no food with me, so after about five days, I died! Oh no, here we go, to the After Life.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ When I look aroung I see nothing but sand and a few thousand-foot tall pyramids. Then I realize I'm in Egypt ! I didn't know what to do over the next few days, so I tried to get some shade next to a pyramid. But I had no food with me, so after about five days, I died! Oh no, here we go, to the After Life. I learned about this in school. This is the place where you see the gods after they have died. My teacher said that there is Osiris, his wife Isis, Horus and then the rest of Egypt 's gods. Osiris always has green skin in all of the drawings of him on the pyramids' walls. His wife is mostly always next to him. Then Horus is there too. …I was trying to remember what our teacher has taught us about the After Life. She said that you have to pass through a series gates to be accepted into the After Life. At that moment, I realized I needed to pass throguh this gates if I wanted to make it home in time for dinner. But then I remembered The Last Gate. It's where your heart is weighed on a scale against the Sacred Feather.”)

The compound sentence, “ I didn't know what to do over the next few days, so I tried to get some shade next to a pyramid,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within the content of the story. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Then, out of nowhere, I laughed hystericly. Horus asked, ‘why are you laughing? Are you laughing at me? If you're making fun of me, I can take you right out of the After Life.’”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

One rainy night I was listening to my grandpa telling me a story about the time he went to another world. The world sounded like fun. I wanted to go there one day. The story had to be cut short because it was 9:45 my bed time. So I got into bed and drifted off to sleep.

Early the next morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock Beep, Beep, Beep. So I got out of my bed and started to get ready for school. I finished eating breakfast and went back into my room. I heard a strange noise coming from my closet. It sounded like someone playing the drums very badly.

So I slowly walked over to my closet. The door suddenly flew open and I was sucked inside. I started to spin down a dark hole. When I opened my eyes I saw circles, square, and other shapes floating around my head. Then I hit the ground with a thump!

I got up I looked around I saw a big red gym set. So I quickly walked over to it and sat on a swing. the swing was so big I couldn't even tough the ground. So I imagined that someone would come and push the swing that I was on. I waited and waited until I saw a giant. The giant was coming to straight for me. I jumped out of the swing and ran. Then I saw a rock climbing wall and I said," This is a strange world." Next I tried to find a way around it. I saw that there was no way around it ,so I was going to have to climb it.

I am afraid of heights so I was going to have to conquer my fears and climb the wall. I slowly grabbed the first rock and started to pull up when all of a sudden the ground started to shake! I turned around to see what it was and the giant was standing right behind me. I screamed and started to run again. It quickly grabbed me and said," Why are you running from me?'' I said," You are just so big and I was afraid you would hurt me."

"Why would I hurt you?" the giant said. Then I said,"You are just so big!" Then she asked me if I wanted to go to her house. I said," No." she said," Why cant you?" "I have to get home." I said. The giant said that she could get me home if I tell her where I lived. I said,"I live on earth." She asked me where that was? Then I herd a noise coming from the behind wall. I walked over to it and listened to the noise very carefully.

The noise sounded like it did in my closet that morning. I thought it was my ticket home. I decided to conquer my fears and climb the wall. So I slowly walked over to it and and looked up. I grabbed the first rock and slowly pulled up on it. Then I said to myself," I can do this." I finally reached the middle of the wall and looked down. "I can do this." I said. I reached the top and slid down the slide on the other side.

I quickly ran to a door that looked like my closet. The door flew open and I was sucked in. Then I hit the floor with a thump! I got up and looked around. I was in my room. I was so glad to be home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are captured within the content of the narrative. The writing demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The story states the main event adequately. (“So I slowly walked over to my closet. The door suddenly flew open and I was sucked inside. I started to spin down a dark hole. When I opened my eyes I saw circles, square, and other shapes floating around my head. Then I hit the ground with a thump! …I got up I looked around I saw a big red gym set. So I quickly walked over to it and sat on a swing. the swing was so big I couldn't even tough the ground. So I imagined that someone would come and push the swing that I was on. I waited and waited until I saw a giant. The giant was coming to straight for me. I jumped out of the swing and ran. Then I saw a rock climbing wall and I said, ‘This is a strange world.’”)

Details about characters are adequate. (“The noise sounded like it did in my closet that morning. I thought it was my ticket home. I decided to conquer my fears and climb the wall. So I slowly walked over to it and and looked up. I grabbed the first rock and slowly pulled up on it. Then I said to myself, ‘I can do this.’ I finally reached the middle of the wall and looked down. ‘I can do this.’ I said. I reached the top and slid down the slide on the other side.”)

There is adequate use of dialogue. (“‘Why would I hurt you?’ the giant said. Then I said, ‘You are just so big!’ Then she asked me if I wanted to go to her house. I said, ‘No.’ she said, ‘Why cant you?’ ‘I have to get home.’ I said. The giant said that she could get me home if I tell her where I lived. I said, ‘I live on earth.’ She asked me where that was? Then I herd a noise coming from the behind wall. I walked over to it and listened to the noise very carefully.”)

Content & Development

The story contains adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting, while also creating believable characters. The narrative also establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is adequate sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“Early the next morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock Beep, Beep, Beep. So I got out of my bed and started to get ready for school. I finished eating breakfast and went back into my room. I heard a strange noise coming from my closet. It sounded like someone playing the drums very badly.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“I got up I looked around I saw a big red gym set. So I quickly walked over to it and sat on a swing. the swing was so big I couldn't even tough the ground. So I imagined that someone would come and push the swing that I was on. I waited and waited until I saw a giant. The giant was coming to straight for me. I jumped out of the swing and ran. Then I saw a rock climbing wall and I said, ‘This is a strange world.’ Next I tried to find a way around it. I saw that there was no way around it ,so I was going to have to climb it.”)

Details adequately describe the problem in the story. (“So I slowly walked over to my closet. The door suddenly flew open and I was sucked inside. I started to spin down a dark hole. When I opened my eyes I saw circles, square, and other shapes floating around my head. Then I hit the ground with a thump! …I got up I looked around I saw a big red gym set. So I quickly walked over to it and sat on a swing. the swing was so big I couldn't even tough the ground. So I imagined that someone would come and push the swing that I was on. I waited and waited until I saw a giant. The giant was coming to straight for me. I jumped out of the swing and ran. Then I saw a rock climbing wall and I said, ‘This is a strange world.’ Next I tried to find a way around it. I saw that there was no way around it ,so I was going to have to climb it.”)

Details adequately describe the solution in the story. (“The noise sounded like it did in my closet that morning. I thought it was my ticket home. I decided to conquer my fears and climb the wall. So I slowly walked over to it and and looked up. I grabbed the first rock and slowly pulled up on it. Then I said to myself, ‘I can do this.’ I finally reached the middle of the wall and looked down. ‘I can do this.’ I said. I reached the top and slid down the slide on the other side. …I quickly ran to a door that looked like my closet. The door flew open and I was sucked in. Then I hit the floor with a thump! I got up and looked around. I was in my room. I was so glad to be home.”)

Organization

The story shows evidence of adequate organization. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The narrative generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ One rainy night I was listening to my grandpa telling me a story about the time he went to another world. The world sounded like fun. I wanted to go there one day. The story had to be cut short because it was 9:45 my bed time. So I got into bed and drifted off to sleep. …Early the next morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock Beep, Beep, Beep. So I got out of my bed and started to get ready for school. I finished eating breakfast and went back into my room. I heard a strange noise coming from my closet. It sounded like someone playing the drums very badly.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ Early the next morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock Beep, Beep, Beep.”)

The ending includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“ I quickly ran to a door that looked like my closet. The door flew open and I was sucked in. Then I hit the floor with a thump! I got up and looked around. I was in my room. I was so glad to be home.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is found in the narrative. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used as well.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ One rainy night I was listening to my grandpa telling me a story about the time he went to another world. The world sounded like fun. I wanted to go there one day. The story had to be cut short because it was 9:45 my bed time. So I got into bed and drifted off to sleep.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “world” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ Then I saw a rock climbing wall and I said, ‘This is a strange world.’”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, as the writer uses the word “so” throughout the story and begins sentences with “so” a number of times. (“ I got up I looked around I saw a big red gym set. So I quickly walked over to it and sat on a swing. the swing was so big I couldn't even tough the ground. So I imagined that someone would come and push the swing that I was on.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates adequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Then she asked me if I wanted to go to her house. I said, ‘No.’ she said, ‘Why cant you?’ ‘I have to get home.’ I said. The giant said that she could get me home if I tell her where I lived. I said, ‘I live on earth.’ She asked me where that was? Then I herd a noise coming from the behind wall.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was a normal school day I was walking to the closet and I opened the door. When I opened the door I started to hear screaming coming from the inside I also saw two little boys inside they both had blood coming straight down their face. So I decided to walk in to see if they were really there or if I was just seeing things. So, as I was walking in the next thing I know bang, bang and bang.

I wake up in another world not remembering what had happened. I'm in another world which I don't think that it is even on the map. The place is very weird the people here look like dead people waking up from the dead. There is no sidewalks to walk on the road has big nasty holes in it. There is no places to eat at like resturants. There is only trash everywhere and mice running around. I have not even seen more than thirteen lights. There is no cars just me and walking dead people.

I have now been in this place for six hours I am very hungry. I start looking around to get something to eat than I see someone it looks just like the little boy that was in the closet before iI got here. I start running as fast as I can while I am running I am yelling little boys wait I need to know where am I how did I get here please wait please but the little boy capt on running and his began to fade away as he got more and more away from me. I started to look for something to eat again and all that I have found was an old bread crum so I ate it.

Next before I know a little boy had jumped behind me and said what are you doing here. So I have told him what happend and than I have ask him where am I he had said that if I would have never put my nose into his proublems than I would of never goton there he said you are just like the rest of us no good and dead we all now own you this place is for people like you and you now have to deal with it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are present within the story. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may not be relevant.

The main event is stated in the story. (“It was a normal school day I was walking to the closet and I opened the door. When I opened the door I started to hear screaming coming from the inside I also saw two little boys inside they both had blood coming straight down their face. So I decided to walk in to see if they were really there or if I was just seeing things. So, as I was walking in the next thing I know bang, bang and bang. …I wake up in another world not remembering what had happened.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I wake up in another world not remembering what had happened. I'm in another world which I don't think that it is even on the map. The place is very weird the people here look like dead people waking up from the dead. There is no sidewalks to walk on the road has big nasty holes in it. There is no places to eat at like resturants. There is only trash everywhere and mice running around. I have not even seen more than thirteen lights. There is no cars just me and walking dead people.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“Next before I know a little boy had jumped behind me and said what are you doing here. So I have told him what happend and than I have ask him where am I he had said that if I would have never put my nose into his proublems than I would of never goton there he said you are just like the rest of us no good and dead we all now own you this place is for people like you and you now have to deal with it.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of the story are limited. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated, but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“I have now been in this place for six hours I am very hungry. I start looking around to get something to eat than I see someone it looks just like the little boy that was in the closet before iI got here. I start running as fast as I can while I am running I am yelling little boys wait I need to know where am I how did I get here please wait please but the little boy capt on running and his began to fade away as he got more and more away from me. I started to look for something to eat again and all that I have found was an old bread crum so I ate it.”)

There is limited sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“I wake up in another world not remembering what had happened. I'm in another world which I don't think that it is even on the map. The place is very weird the people here look like dead people waking up from the dead. There is no sidewalks to walk on the road has big nasty holes in it. There is no places to eat at like resturants. There is only trash everywhere and mice running around. I have not even seen more than thirteen lights. There is no cars just me and walking dead people.”)

The plot is limited. (“Next before I know a little boy had jumped behind me and said what are you doing here. So I have told him what happend and than I have ask him where am I he had said that if I would have never put my nose into his proublems than I would of never goton there he said you are just like the rest of us no good and dead we all now own you this place is for people like you and you now have to deal with it.”)

Organization

The narrative features limited organization. An adequate opening is provided that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, yet readers are provided with some sense of closure.

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention with details in the beginning. (“ It was a normal school day I was walking to the closet and I opened the door. When I opened the door I started to hear screaming coming from the inside I also saw two little boys inside they both had blood coming straight down their face. So I decided to walk in to see if they were really there or if I was just seeing things. So, as I was walking in the next thing I know bang, bang and bang.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Next before I know a little boy had jumped behind me and said what are you doing here.”)

The story demonstrates a limited ending. (“ Next before I know a little boy had jumped behind me and said what are you doing here. So I have told him what happend and than I have ask him where am I he had said that if I would have never put my nose into his proublems than I would of never goton there he said you are just like the rest of us no good and dead we all now own you this place is for people like you and you now have to deal with it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style throughout the narrative is limited. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ So I have told him what happend and than I have ask him where am I he had said that if I would have never put my nose into his proublems than I would of never goton there he said you are just like the rest of us no good and dead we all now own you this place is for people like you and you now have to deal with it.”)

The story uses the same group of words to begin the three sentences in the first body paragraph. (“ There is no sidewalks to walk on the road has big nasty holes in it. There is no places to eat at like resturants. There is only trash everywhere and mice running around.”)

The style is not formal. (“ There is no sidewalks to walk on the road has big nasty holes in it. There is no places to eat at like resturants.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story conveys limited control of the use of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“There is no sidewalks to walk on the road has big nasty holes in it. There is no places to eat at like resturants. There is only trash everywhere and mice running around. I have not even seen more than thirteen lights. There is no cars just me and walking dead people.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

Well after I got transported to another world I apeared on a large prarie. I looked around to find out where I was and I couldent see any thing exept prarie going out to as far as the eye could see. As I looked around it looked as if te prarie went on for miles. So then I asked myself where am I anyway but I didn't have the answer to that question so I just started to walk. Then I just decided to walk in any direction I knew it was riskey but it was all I had.

As I walked looked up and noticed it was night time. I had lost track of time completeley as I looked up there were billions of stars in the sky. I had never seen so many stars in the sky but as I looked the sky suddenly turned bright over the horizon. Then I knew that the sun was coming up but as I saw the sun coming up I thought (wait it was onley night for a hour or so how is the sun coming up so soon).

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story contains minimal focus and meaning. The narrative demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The narrative only minimally states the main event. (“Well after I got transported to another world I apeared on a large prarie. I looked around to find out where I was and I couldent see any thing exept prarie going out to as far as the eye could see. As I looked around it looked as if te prarie went on for miles. So then I asked myself where am I anyway but I didn't have the answer to that question so I just started to walk. Then I just decided to walk in any direction I knew it was riskey but it was all I had.”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“As I walked looked up and noticed it was night time. I had lost track of time completeley as I looked up there were billions of stars in the sky. I had never seen so many stars in the sky but as I looked the sky suddenly turned bright over the horizon. Then I knew that the sun was coming up but as I saw the sun coming up I thought (wait it was onley night for a hour or so how is the sun coming up so soon).”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“As I walked looked up and noticed it was night time. I had lost track of time completeley as I looked up there were billions of stars in the sky. I had never seen so many stars in the sky but as I looked the sky suddenly turned bright over the horizon. Then I knew that the sun was coming up but as I saw the sun coming up I thought (wait it was onley night for a hour or so how is the sun coming up so soon).”)

Content & Development

The content and development provided in the narrative are minimal. The story demonstrates a minimally developed plot and setting, and characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. There is also a lack of tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“As I walked looked up and noticed it was night time. I had lost track of time completeley as I looked up there were billions of stars in the sky. I had never seen so many stars in the sky but as I looked the sky suddenly turned bright over the horizon. Then I knew that the sun was coming up but as I saw the sun coming up I thought (wait it was onley night for a hour or so how is the sun coming up so soon).”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“Well after I got transported to another world I apeared on a large prarie. I looked around to find out where I was and I couldent see any thing exept prarie going out to as far as the eye could see. As I looked around it looked as if te prarie went on for miles. So then I asked myself where am I anyway but I didn't have the answer to that question so I just started to walk. Then I just decided to walk in any direction I knew it was riskey but it was all I had.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“As I walked looked up and noticed it was night time. I had lost track of time completeley as I looked up there were billions of stars in the sky. I had never seen so many stars in the sky but as I looked the sky suddenly turned bright over the horizon. Then I knew that the sun was coming up but as I saw the sun coming up I thought (wait it was onley night for a hour or so how is the sun coming up so soon).”)

Organization

This story is developed with minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, there is little evidence of an ending.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Well after I got transported to another world I apeared on a large prarie. I looked around to find out where I was and I couldent see any thing exept prarie going out to as far as the eye could see. As I looked around it looked as if te prarie went on for miles. So then I asked myself where am I anyway but I didn't have the answer to that question so I just started to walk. Then I just decided to walk in any direction I knew it was riskey but it was all I had.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Then I just decided to walk in any direction I knew it was riskey but it was all I had.”)

The story only minimally includes an ending. (“ As I walked looked up and noticed it was night time. I had lost track of time completeley as I looked up there were billions of stars in the sky. I had never seen so many stars in the sky but as I looked the sky suddenly turned bright over the horizon. Then I knew that the sun was coming up but as I saw the sun coming up I thought (wait it was onley night for a hour or so how is the sun coming up so soon).”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the story is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ Then I just decided to walk in any direction I knew it was riskey but it was all I had.”)

Exact words are missing, such as the word “I” between “walked” and “looked.” (“ As I walked looked up and noticed it was night time.”)

There is repetition, as “sun coming up” is repeated in a sentence. (“ Then I knew that the sun was coming up but as I saw the sun coming up I thought (wait it was onley night for a hour or so how is the sun coming up so soon).”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within the narrative. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Well after I got transported to another world I apeared on a large prarie. I looked around to find out where I was and I couldent see any thing exept prarie going out to as far as the eye could see. As I looked around it looked as if te prarie went on for miles. So then I asked myself where am I anyway but I didn't have the answer to that question so I just started to walk. Then I just decided to walk in any direction I knew it was riskey but it was all I had.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are not stated. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

Content & Development

This story contains inadequate content and development. The narrative l acks an identifiable plot and setting, characters are introduced but not developed, and a lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

Adequate detail is not used to develop the main events of the story. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is seen in this narrative. The story may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The narrative also lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me.”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me.”)

The story includes no ending. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the story. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

There is repetition. (“ On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates inadequate control of the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“On monday when I was geting ready for my first day of school when I was geting ready for the school I hear somting in my closet, I whent to see what was that .When I open my closet and I got transported to a scary pleace, it was dark and nobody was thear only me. Then i sow alot of rats and spaiders, I was scear then I heard some vois then I went to faind whos vois it was, I found whos vois it was. It was my brother vois he was thear to.”)

What is it?

Click here to view the image.

Click here to view the printable version of the image and assignment.

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The warm sun shined in upon his face. Suddenly, Alex woke up with a start. He looked at the alarm clock at his bed side. "Oh no!" he cried. It was almost 9:20. He was late for school!

He jumped into his clothes and stumbled into the bathroom. Alex quickly rinsed his teeth with mouth wash and ran downstairs as fast as he could. To his surprise, there was nobody anywhere. Even his dog Fluffy wasn't anywhere to be seen. He remembered that it was Friday and that his parents go to work early on Fridays. He was supposed to take care of himself and walk to the bus stop.

Just as he passed his refrigerator, he glimpsed a note. In bold letters was written Spiral Zoo Field Trip. It was a notification slip for his class field trip! On the bottom it said that the buses were going to leave at exactly 10:00. His friends were probably waiting for him. He was going to have to bike there.

"Where is Alex? He's going to miss the bus!" said Victor.

Sarah sighed, "Ugh, why does he always do that?"

"I don't know but he said he was going to be here," said Taryn in a low voice.

"I think he's chickening out," said Elliot.

"Nah, no way dude. Alex would never miss out on something like this. It's like his favorite thing to do," said Victor. Eliot had planned out that they would follow him to a secret place inside the zoo. At first, Alex hadn't agreed, but he couldn't resist the temptations of an adventure.

At 9:55, the buses arrived, and everyone got on. Alex still wasn't here yet.

"I don't think he's going to make it," said Sarah.

"Yeah," Victor said.

"Hey, I just hope he remembered to bring the chips!" said Eliot.

Alex looked down on his watch; it was 9:56. He was going to make it. He was currently on Qak Woods Drive . There was about three more blocks to go. He arrived to school at exactly 9:59. After locking his bike, he ran up the hill and on to the bus just as the door was closing.

"Whew, that was a close one,” panted Alex. Attendance today was going to be taken down at the zoo so he would not be counted late. Nobody, not even the bus driver, noticed Alex crouching at the bottom of the stairs. Mrs. Losser, his teacher, was sitting in the front of the bus with some parent volunteers. As soon she had turned around to talk with some parents, he located his friends at the back of the bus and sprinted down. Mrs. Losser hadn't noticed a thing.

"Alex!" cried Taryn. "You made it."

"See I told you he would," said Sarah proudly.

"Lies..." whispered Victor.

"Shhhh!" retorted Sarah.

"Alright man, you made it!" said Eliot.

"Look guys, I'm sorry I'm late. For some reason, my alarm clock didn't go off," said Alex. "And no Eliot, I didn't have time to get the chips."

"Alex, its-," said Taryn said before Eliot cut her off.

"What?!" Eliot exclaimed. "Are you serious? Man that sucks!" The rest of the way there was pretty boring. Taryn and Eliot were discussing an issue on whether rocky road or cookie dough ice cream was better. And Sarah talked about her new dog with Victor. Alex decided to join neither conversation, so he just sat there. He was still tired of all that biking and stress so he played his iPod and stared out the window.

They finally arrived at Spiral Zoo. The zoo was quite large in size and was split into five sections. Each had their own theme; there were the Highlands of Asia, Sub Zero, African Safari, Primate Forest , and The House of Reptiles. Alex had been here several times. Although since his last visit, they had put in Primate Forest . It was on the top of his list of things to check out.

Mrs. Losser stood up, and they were assigned chaperones in groups of five. After everyone was set, the groups headed out in their own directions. Alex's group's chaperone was Mr. Petrelli, who was Peter's father. The Petrelli family had a ton of money but loved to visit the zoo. They had even recently donated 10,000 dollars to the zoo.

After going through Sub Zero, African Safari, and the Highlands of Asia, it was about noon. Mr. Petrelli decided that they should have lunch. They asked a few people and decided to go to Dragon Cafe.

After eating and having smoothies, they visited the House of Reptiles. There were all kinds of snakes and lizards. What they were most interested in was the Cage of the Kimodo Dragon. As mighty and fierce as it looked, it also looked bored and tired. Most of the time it just sat there watching people outside of its exhibit passing by.

Mr. Petrelli had decided to go buy some drinks and popcorn, and he wanted them to wait for him by the kimodo dragon. After a while, Alex, Eliot, Taryn, Victor, and Sarah got bored of waiting and decided to look around. As they walked past the cage, they saw that the maintenance door was unlocked.

"Woah, check that out!" said Eliot.

"I bet that there's security cams everywhere in there," said Taryn.

"Well, you never know if you never try,” retorted Eliot.

Sarah cut in, "I agree with Taryn; it might be dangerous."

"Hey, if I get in trouble again, my parents will kill me!" said Victor.

"What say you Alex?" asked Eliot.

"Let's do it!" said Alex.

"That's the Alex I know!" cheered Eliot. The rest of the group shrugged and followed them in. Suddenly they heard a strange noise about 20 meters away from them. It was so loud that it felt like it was made by an animal. A shed came into view and slowly, they looked in. It was a large speaker, and the sounds were effects for the kimodo dragon. They all laughed and quickly headed back out the door.

They found Mr. Petrelli and quickly went through the rest of the zoo. The Primate Forest was the best in Alex's point of view. But in their group's opinion, this was a great field trip!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This model narrative provides very effective focus and meaning. The story demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. (“ The warm sun shined in upon his face. Suddenly, Alex woke up with a start. He looked at the alarm clock at his bed side. ‘Oh no!’ he cried. It was almost 9:20. He was late for school! …He jumped into his clothes and stumbled into the bathroom. Alex quickly rinsed his teeth with mouth wash and ran downstairs as fast as he could. To his surprise, there was nobody anywhere. Even his dog Fluffy wasn't anywhere to be seen. He remembered that it was Friday and that his parents go to work early on Fridays. He was supposed to take care of himself and walk to the bus stop.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. (“ The rest of the group shrugged and followed them in. Suddenly they heard a strange noise about 20 meters away from them. It was so loud that it felt like it was made by an animal. A shed came into view and slowly, they looked in. It was a large speaker and the sounds were effects for the kimodo dragon. They all laughed and quickly headed back out the door.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“ After eating and having smoothies, they visited the House of Reptiles. There were all kinds of snakes and lizards. What they were most interested in was the Cage of the Kimodo Dragon. As mighty and fierce it looked, it looked bored and tired. Most of the time it just sat there watching people outside of its exhibit passing by.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within the story are very effective. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The narrative clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“He jumped into his clothes and stumbled into the bathroom. Alex quickly rinsed his teeth with mouth wash and ran downstairs as fast as he could. To his surprise, there was nobody anywhere. Even his dog Fluffy wasn't anywhere to be seen. He remembered that it was Friday and that his parents go to work early on Fridays. He was supposed to take care of himself and walk to the bus stop.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“‘Lies...’ whispered Victor. … ‘Shhhh!’ retorted Sarah. … ‘Alright man, you made it!’ said Eliot. … ‘Look guys, I'm sorry I'm late. For some reason, my alarm clock didn't go off,’ said Alex. ‘And no Eliot, I didn't have time to get the chips.’ … ‘Alex, its-,’ said Taryn said before Eliot cut her off.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“Mr. Petrelli had decided to go buy some drinks and popcorn and he wanted them to wait for him by the kimodo dragon. After a while, Alex, Eliot, Taryn, Victor, and Sarah got bored of waiting and decided to look around. As they walked past the cage, they saw that the maintenance door was unlocked.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is apparent to readers of this story. The writer captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, as well as an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“The warm sun shined in upon his face. Suddenly, Alex woke up with a start. He looked at the alarm clock at his bed side. ‘Oh no!’ he cried. It was almost 9:20. He was late for school!”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“They finally arrived at Spiral Zoo. …After going through Sub Zero, African Safari, and the Highlands of Asia, it was about noon. …After eating and having smoothies, they visited the House of Reptiles.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“They found Mr. Petrelli and quickly went through the rest of the zoo. The Primate Forest was the best in Alex's point of view. But in their group's opinion, this was a great field trip!”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is evident when reading the story. The narrative demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. W ell-structured and varied sentences are used throughout.

Sentence lengths throughout the story are varied. (“ He jumped into his clothes and stumbled into the bathroom. Alex quickly rinsed his teeth with mouth wash and ran downstairs as fast as he could. To his surprise, there was nobody anywhere. Even his dog Fluffy wasn't anywhere to be seen. He remembered that it was Friday and that his parents go to work early on Fridays. He was supposed to take care of himself and walk to the bus stop.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first several paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ The warm sun shined in upon his face. Suddenly, Alex woke up with a start. He looked at the alarm clock at his bed side. ‘Oh no!’ he cried. It was almost 9:20. He was late for school! …He jumped into his clothes and stumbled into the bathroom. Alex quickly rinsed his teeth with mouth wash and ran downstairs as fast as he could. To his surprise, there was nobody anywhere. Even his dog Fluffy wasn't anywhere to be seen. He remembered that it was Friday and that his parents go to work early on Fridays. He was supposed to take care of himself and walk to the bus stop. …Just as he passed his refrigerator, he glimpsed a note. In bold letters was written Spiral Zoo Field Trip. It was a notification slip for his class field trip! On the bottom it said that the buses were going to leave at exactly 10:00. His friends were probably waiting for him. He was going to have to bike there.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ As soon she had turned around to talk with some parents, he located his friends at the back of the bus and sprinted down.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present in the story. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ He arrived to school at exactly 9:59. After locking his bike, he ran up the hill and on to the bus just as the door was closing.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One day, five friends named Sally (age ten), Eliza (age eleven), Tom (age nine), Warren (age twelve), and Grant (age eleven) all went out to the deep, dark, and rustic woods to hunt for yummy mushrooms. They looked everywhere in the woods, but never found a single mushroom. They were very puzzled because they used to find at least fifty in those woods every time they went. After awhile, they got tired and bored of looking so they headed home. When they got to their homes, they told their parents about their strange mushroom hunt. The parents just thought they were joking and said to just forget about it.

The kids couldn't even sleep that night because they didn't understand what had happened. Could they have just been looking in the wrong place, or did they just not look hard enough? Well, whatever the case, they all went back to the woods after breakfast the next day. Again, they looked everywhere, on the ground and all around. They even looked in the trees, and once again, they didn't find a single mushroom. The kids were so flabbergasted that they could barely keep their eyes open. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, they heard a huge 'Crash, Bang, Boom!' Sally, Eliza, Tom, Warren, and Grant nearly jumped out of their skins. After they got settled down, they went searching to find out what made the horrible noise. They searched for awhile and scattered to cover more ground.

"We must be getting close. Nothing can make a noise that can travel much more than we have gone today," Warren commented.

About five minutes later, Eliza said with a gasp, "I think I know where all of the mushrooms have gone.” All of the kids ran to see what Eliza was pointing at. Right there before their eyes was a big, dirty, old shack. For as long as they have been mushroom hunting out there in those woods, they had never seen that grimy shack there. After a moment of gazing, they heard some rattling and crashing sounds coming from inside the building. They all tip-toed over to a dusty window to look inside.

"Oh my gosh! Look at all of those mushrooms. No wonder we couldn't find any, someone put them all in this factory shack," Grant whispered.

Inside, they saw hundreds of buckets and boxes filled with mushrooms. They also saw two men working a huge machine that cleansed the mushrooms so they could be put in a store and sold. The men seemed to be inserting a needle which put green gas into each mushroom.

"I think they're trying to poison the mushrooms so the people that eat them will get sick and die!" Sally said as she and the other kids gazed inside the shack. The kids, amazed at what they saw, bolted for their lives to tell the police and their parents. They didn't stop until they were in the police station. They told the police first because they knew their parents wouldn't believe them.

The police understood and alarmed all of their men and women to get ready. In about five minutes, the police were out the door and on their way to fight crime. The kids went with them to see what would happen. They called their parents and told them everything. Surprisingly, they listened and said they were on their way. Once they got to the shack, everyone hopped out and got armed. They snuck up to the window and busted through the door. The masterminds ran, but got caught, so they gave up and went to jail. Sally, Eliza, Tom, Warren, and Grant were heroes. The governor was so pleased with the work they did that he gave them the key to the city. Sally's grandma was especially pleased because she eats hundreds of mushrooms a month. Sally, Eliza, Tom, Warren, and Grant's days went on just like normal. Thanks to them many people were saved. If you like mushrooms, the next time you eat one, think of these kids and the extraordinary heroes they have become.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story shows good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides relevant description and details.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is clear. (“One day, five friends named Sally (age ten), Eliza (age eleven), Tom (age nine), Warren (age twelve), and Grant (age eleven) all went out to the deep, dark, and rustic woods to hunt for yummy mushrooms. They looked everywhere in the woods, but never found a single mushroom. They were very puzzled because they used to find at least fifty in those woods every time they went. After awhile, they got tired and bored of looking so they headed home. When they got to their homes, they told their parents about their strange mushroom hunt. The parents just thought they were joking and said to just forget about it.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed well. (“The kids couldn't even sleep that night because they didn't understand what had happened. Could they have just been looking in the wrong place, or did they just not look hard enough? Well, whatever the case, they all went back to the woods after breakfast the next day. Again, they looked everywhere, on the ground and all around. They even looked in the trees, and once again, they didn't find a single mushroom. The kids were so flabbergasted that they could barely keep their eyes open. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, they heard a huge 'Crash, Bang, Boom!' Sally, Eliza, Tom, Warren, and Grant nearly jumped out of their skins. After they got settled down, they went searching to find out what made the horrible noise. They searched for awhile and scattered to cover more ground.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“ All of the kids ran to see what Eliza was pointing at. Right there before their eyes was a big, dirty, old shack. For as long as they have been mushroom hunting out there in those woods, they had never seen that grimy shack there. After a moment of gazing, they heard some rattling and crashing sounds coming from inside the building. They all tip-toed over to a dusty window to look inside.”)

Content & Development

The story consists of good content and development. W ell-developed plot and setting are provided, and believable characters are created. In addition, the writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ One day, five friends named Sally (age ten), Eliza (age eleven), Tom (age nine), Warren (age twelve), and Grant (age eleven) all went out to the deep, dark, and rustic woods to hunt for yummy mushrooms.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“After they got settled down, they went searching to find out what made the horrible noise. They searched for awhile and scattered to cover more ground. … ‘We must be getting close. Nothing can make a noise that can travel much more than we have gone today,’ Warren commented. …About five minutes later, Eliza said with a gasp, ‘I think I know where all of the mushrooms have gone.’”)

Details effectively describe the story’s solution. (“The police understood and alarmed all of their men and women to get ready. In about five minutes, the police were out the door and on their way to fight crime. The kids went with them to see what would happen. They called their parents and told them everything. Surprisingly, they listened and said they were on their way. Once they got to the shack, everyone hopped out and got armed. They snuck up to the window and busted through the door. The masterminds ran, but got caught, so they gave up and went to jail. Sally, Eliza, Tom, Warren, and Grant were heroes. The governor was so pleased with the work they did that he gave them the key to the city. Sally's grandma was especially pleased because she eats hundreds of mushrooms a month. Sally, Eliza, Tom, Warren, and Grant's days went on just like normal. Thanks to them many people were saved. If you like mushrooms, the next time you eat one, think of these kids and the extraordinary heroes they have become.”)

Organization

The story features good organization. The narrative’s opening excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. Finally, the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ One day, five friends named Sally (age ten), Eliza (age eleven), Tom (age nine), Warren (age twelve), and Grant (age eleven) all went out to the deep, dark, and rustic woods to hunt for yummy mushrooms.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ About five minutes later, Eliza said with a gasp, ‘I think I know where all of the mushrooms have gone.’”)

The ending is creative. (“ The police understood and alarmed all of their men and women to get ready. In about five minutes, the police were out the door and on their way to fight crime. The kids went with them to see what would happen. They called their parents and told them everything. Surprisingly, they listened and said they were on their way. Once they got to the shack, everyone hopped out and got armed. They snuck up to the window and busted through the door. The masterminds ran, but got caught, so they gave up and went to jail. Sally, Eliza, Tom, Warren, and Grant were heroes. The governor was so pleased with the work they did that he gave them the key to the city. Sally's grandma was especially pleased because she eats hundreds of mushrooms a month. Sally, Eliza, Tom, Warren, and Grant's days went on just like normal. Thanks to them many people were saved. If you like mushrooms, the next time you eat one, think of these kids and the extraordinary heroes they have become.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the story is good. The narrative demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The story is composed of well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ The kids, amazed at what they saw, bolted for their lives to tell the police and their parents. They didn't stop until they were in the police station. They told the police first because they knew their parents wouldn't believe them. …The police understood and alarmed all of their men and women to get ready. In about five minutes, the police were out the door and on their way to fight crime. The kids went with them to see what would happen. They called their parents and told them everything. Surprisingly, they listened and said they were on their way.”)

Sentence lengths throughout the story are varied. (“ The kids couldn't even sleep that night because they didn't understand what had happened. Could they have just been looking in the wrong place, or did they just not look hard enough? Well, whatever the case, they all went back to the woods after breakfast the next day. Again, they looked everywhere, on the ground and all around. They even looked in the trees, and once again, they didn't find a single mushroom.”)

The following compound sentence (or, in this case, question) is used effectively: “ Could they have just been looking in the wrong place, or did they just not look hard enough?”

Mechanics & Conventions

The story shows good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Inside, they saw hundreds of buckets and boxes filled with mushrooms. They also saw two men working a huge machine that cleansed the mushrooms so they could be put in a store and sold. The men seemed to be inserting a needle which put green gas into each mushroom.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One cool November afternoon in the mountains of North Carolina five friends, Beau, Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel were fishing on the little creek running by their town. They were catching lots of Trout and Bass, and they were having a great time. Then, they heard a strange noise. Beau (Luke's twin brother) said he would go find out what it was. Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel kept on fishing. All of a sudden they heard a loud crash. Nervous, they called for Beau, but there was no reply. The friends went searching for him but had no luck. They went to their club house to see if he was there. When they got there they saw a note that said "If you ever want to see your friend again, leave the money by the creek at 5:00."

The friends were confused. What money was the perpetrator referring to? They went in the club house and had a discussion about what had happened. Luke brought up a story that his grandpa had told him about years ago. He said that back in the 1880's a person by the name of James Lee had robbed the town bank and stole $1,000. It was told that he buried the money somewhere along the creek. The kids were wondering why the perpetrator had targeted them when they had no idea of the money's burial site. So, the kids began planning a trap.

They went to the museum where they sold replica banking bags from different times and purchased a bag. They filled it with dirt and placed it on a rock by the creek. It was 5:00 o'clock and they lay alert in the bushes they heard rustling and out of the bushes came a tall man in his early to mid 20's. He had on a mask so they could not see his face. When he turned his back to the kids, Luke, Robert and Johnny leaped out of the bushes and tackled him. Rachel called the police station and Daisy took a rope to they boys to tie him up with. When the police man got there they identified the man as Paul Lee, a direct decedent of James Lee. He said that he had put Beau in a cave in the side of a mountain and showed them where it was. He claimed he thought the kids knew where the money was because he was told by his ancestors that the money was buried beside the spot of the clubhouse. The kids went to the clubhouse and began to dig. Then, they found it. All $1,000 of it. They gave it to the town and were rewarded with $100 dollars a peace for finding it. The End.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story’s focus and meaning are adequate. A basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated, while relevant description and details are provided.

The setting (where and when the story takes place) is adequately developed. (“ One cool November afternoon in the mountains of North Carolina five friends, Beau, Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel were fishing on the little creek running by their town. They were catching lots of Trout and Bass, and they were having a great time.”)

The story states the main event adequately. (“The friends were confused. What money was the perpetrator referring to? They went in the club house and had a discussion about what had happened. Luke brought up a story that his grandpa had told him about years ago. He said that back in the 1880's a person by the name of James Lee had robbed the town bank and stole $1,000. It was told that he buried the money somewhere along the creek. The kids were wondering why the perpetrator had targeted them when they had no idea of the money's burial site. So, the kids began planning a trap.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are adequately developed. (“ They went to the museum where they sold replica banking bags from different times and purchased a bag. They filled it with dirt and placed it on a rock by the creek. It was 5:00 o'clock and they lay alert in the bushes they heard rustling and out of the bushes came a tall man in his early to mid 20's. He had on a mask so they could not see his face. When he turned his back to the kids, Luke, Robert and Johnny leaped out of the bushes and tackled him.”)

Content & Development

The story contains adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. Furthermore, the narrative clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“The friends were confused. What money was the perpetrator referring to? They went in the club house and had a discussion about what had happened. Luke brought up a story that his grandpa had told him about years ago. He said that back in the 1880's a person by the name of James Lee had robbed the town bank and stole $1,000. It was told that he buried the money somewhere along the creek. The kids were wondering why the perpetrator had targeted them when they had no idea of the money's burial site. So, the kids began planning a trap.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s problem. (“One cool November afternoon in the mountains of North Carolina five friends, Beau, Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel were fishing on the little creek running by their town. They were catching lots of Trout and Bass, and they were having a great time. Then, they heard a strange noise. Beau (Luke's twin brother) said he would go find out what it was. Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel kept on fishing. All of a sudden they heard a loud crash. Nervous, they called for Beau, but there was no reply. The friends went searching for him but had no luck. They went to their club house to see if he was there. When they got there they saw a note that said ‘If you ever want to see your friend again, leave the money by the creek at 5:00.’”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“When the police man got there they identified the man as Paul Lee, a direct decedent of James Lee. He said that he had put Beau in a cave in the side of a mountain and showed them where it was. He claimed he thought the kids knew where the money was because he was told by his ancestors that the money was buried beside the spot of the clubhouse. The kids went to the clubhouse and began to dig. Then, they found it. All $1,000 of it. They gave it to the town and were rewarded with $100 dollars a peace for finding it. The End.”)

Organization

The story is organized adequately. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. Additionally, the story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The mood in the beginning is set with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ One cool November afternoon in the mountains of North Carolina five friends, Beau, Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel were fishing on the little creek running by their town. They were catching lots of Trout and Bass, and they were having a great time. Then, they heard a strange noise. Beau (Luke's twin brother) said he would go find out what it was. Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel kept on fishing. All of a sudden they heard a loud crash. Nervous, they called for Beau, but there was no reply. The friends went searching for him but had no luck. They went to their club house to see if he was there. When they got there they saw a note that said ‘If you ever want to see your friend again, leave the money by the creek at 5:00.’”)

The story grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One cool November afternoon in the mountains of North Carolina five friends, Beau, Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel were fishing on the little creek running by their town. They were catching lots of Trout and Bass, and they were having a great time. Then, they heard a strange noise. Beau (Luke's twin brother) said he would go find out what it was. Johnny, Luke, Robert, Daisy and Rachel kept on fishing. All of a sudden they heard a loud crash. Nervous, they called for Beau, but there was no reply. The friends went searching for him but had no luck. They went to their club house to see if he was there. When they got there they saw a note that said ‘If you ever want to see your friend again, leave the money by the creek at 5:00.’”)

The ending of the story is creative. (“ They went to the museum where they sold replica banking bags from different times and purchased a bag. They filled it with dirt and placed it on a rock by the creek. It was 5:00 o'clock and they lay alert in the bushes they heard rustling and out of the bushes came a tall man in his early to mid 20's. He had on a mask so they could not see his face. When he turned his back to the kids, Luke, Robert and Johnny leaped out of the bushes and tackled him. Rachel called the police station and Daisy took a rope to they boys to tie him up with. When the police man got there they identified the man as Paul Lee, a direct decedent of James Lee. He said that he had put Beau in a cave in the side of a mountain and showed them where it was. He claimed he thought the kids knew where the money was because he was told by his ancestors that the money was buried beside the spot of the clubhouse. The kids went to the clubhouse and began to dig. Then, they found it. All $1,000 of it. They gave it to the town and were rewarded with $100 dollars a peace for finding it. The End.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is depicted in the story. A ppropriate language and word choice are demonstrated, as is an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The friends were confused. What money was the perpetrator referring to? They went in the club house and had a discussion about what had happened. Luke brought up a story that his grandpa had told him about years ago. He said that back in the 1880's a person by the name of James Lee had robbed the town bank and stole $1,000. It was told that he buried the money somewhere along the creek.”)

The story includes a variety of sentences, including questions. (“ The friends were confused. What money was the perpetrator referring to? They went in the club house and had a discussion about what had happened. Luke brought up a story that his grandpa had told him about years ago.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor and not as descriptive as they could be. (“ The kids went to the clubhouse and began to dig. Then, they found it. All $1,000 of it. They gave it to the town and were rewarded with $100 dollars a peace for finding it. The End.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story exhibits adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ When he turned his back to the kids, Luke, Robert and Johnny leaped out of the bushes and tackled him. Rachel called the police station and Daisy took a rope to they boys to tie him up with. When the police man got there they identified the man as Paul Lee, a direct decedent of James Lee.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was 1990 and I was in school having the same old day as usual. I had never had freind's in my life. I would usually go home. Sometimes I would have to pick up medicine for my mom. Normally I would have boring life, until one day, two boys started to pick on me, and that's when four kid's stopped what was going to happen. Those four new kids became my new friend's, and their names were Jason, Noah, Carmen, and angel, and my name was Freddy.

When I got my new friends', I invited them over to play at my house, but as we were passing through the woods we saw something that got our attention. We went to go check it out. We saw what was inside, and we saw an injured dog. We thought of taking care of the puppy, but Jason said "it would be to much work," then Angel said "come on its just a little puppy." Then everybody said "true." So I brought the dog to my house for shelter.

It's been a year since we found the puppy or should I say dog. All the days were normal, until one day. There was a rainy day we thought it was normal but it turned to be a disaster. Wolfs surrounded the house. I knew what they wanted they wanted the dog, But that wasn't going to happen. Me and my friends all got a bat to protect the dog and stood next to the dog and protected it. The wolfs got in the house, but we were ready. So we started to beat them up. It turned out to be a weird battle. us the kids defeated the wolf. But then we noticed a dog that the same color as the one we have. It turned out to be the mom of the dog. We knew what she wanted. So we gave her the dog or son. We were all sad because he was leaving, but he would visit every month.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story shows evidence of limited focus and meaning. The narrative demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are limitedly stated. (“It was 1990 and I was in school having the same old day as usual. I had never had freind's in my life. I would usually go home. Sometimes I would have to pick up medicine for my mom. Normally I would have boring life, until one day, two boys started to pick on me, and that's when four kid's stopped what was going to happen. Those four new kids became my new friend's, and their names were Jason, Noah, Carmen, and angel, and my name was Freddy.”)

The audience for the story is not always clear. (“It was 1990 and I was in school having the same old day as usual. I had never had freind's in my life. I would usually go home. Sometimes I would have to pick up medicine for my mom. Normally I would have boring life, until one day, two boys started to pick on me, and that's when four kid's stopped what was going to happen. Those four new kids became my new friend's, and their names were Jason, Noah, Carmen, and angel, and my name was Freddy.”)

There is limited use of dialogue. (“We saw what was inside, and we saw an injured dog. We thought of taking care of the puppy, but Jason said ‘it would be to much work,’ then Angel said ‘come on its just a little puppy.’ Then everybody said ‘true.’ So I brought the dog to my house for shelter.”)

Content & Development

The narrative features limited content and development. The story provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters but lacks sufficient detail to make it more than just a summary of what happens. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“When I got my new friends', I invited them over to play at my house, but as we were passing through the woods we saw something that got our attention. We went to go check it out. We saw what was inside, and we saw an injured dog. We thought of taking care of the puppy, but Jason said ‘it would be to much work,’ then Angel said ‘come on its just a little puppy.’ Then everybody said ‘true.’ So I brought the dog to my house for shelter.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“Normally I would have boring life, until one day, two boys started to pick on me, and that's when four kid's stopped what was going to happen. Those four new kids became my new friend's, and their names were Jason, Noah, Carmen, and angel, and my name was Freddy.”)

The plot is limited. (“us the kids defeated the wolf. But then we noticed a dog that the same color as the one we have. It turned out to be the mom of the dog. We knew what she wanted. So we gave her the dog or son. We were all sad because he was leaving, but he would visit every month.”)

Organization

This narrative is characterized by limited organization. The story provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions may be weak. However, readers are provided with some sense of closure.

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ It was 1990 and I was in school having the same old day as usual. I had never had freind's in my life. I would usually go home. Sometimes I would have to pick up medicine for my mom. Normally I would have boring life, until one day, two boys started to pick on me, and that's when four kid's stopped what was going to happen. Those four new kids became my new friend's, and their names were Jason, Noah, Carmen, and angel, and my name was Freddy.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ When I got my new friends', I invited them over to play at my house, but as we were passing through the woods we saw something that got our attention. …It's been a year since we found the puppy or should I say dog.”)

The story demonstrates a limited ending. (“ It's been a year since we found the puppy or should I say dog. All the days were normal, until one day. There was a rainy day we thought it was normal but it turned to be a disaster. Wolfs surrounded the house. I knew what they wanted they wanted the dog, But that wasn't going to happen. Me and my friends all got a bat to protect the dog and stood next to the dog and protected it. The wolfs got in the house, but we were ready. So we started to beat them up. It turned out to be a weird battle. us the kids defeated the wolf. But then we noticed a dog that the same color as the one we have. It turned out to be the mom of the dog. We knew what she wanted. So we gave her the dog or son. We were all sad because he was leaving, but he would visit every month.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is evident to readers of this story. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ I had never had freind's in my life. I would usually go home. Sometimes I would have to pick up medicine for my mom.”)

There is repetition, as three consecutive sentences begin with “we.” (“ We went to go check it out. We saw what was inside, and we saw an injured dog. We thought of taking care of the puppy, but Jason said ‘it would be to much work,’ then Angel said ‘come on its just a little puppy.’”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions, so as to avoid the choppiness between sentences and provide for a smoother flow to the story. (“ The wolfs got in the house, but we were ready. So we started to beat them up. It turned out to be a weird battle. us the kids defeated the wolf. But then we noticed a dog that the same color as the one we have. It turned out to be the mom of the dog. We knew what she wanted. So we gave her the dog or son.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Readers can detect limited control of mechanics and conventions in the story. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ It turned out to be a weird battle. us the kids defeated the wolf. But then we noticed a dog that the same color as the one we have. It turned out to be the mom of the dog. We knew what she wanted. So we gave her the dog or son.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home. The next day they went right back to see if the old man has still there when they looked inside the window he poped up saying give me back my candy! They ran back to their house and hid in their bedroom they heard the foot steps of the old man marching up the steps. They heard the door opening they ran in to the closet and waited. He finally opened the closed every body came out sprinting they jumped out the window.

They finally found a cop taking a daily drive by. They all hollered for the cop to stop he asked whats the prheoblem they told the whole story. The cop put the old man in custody.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The narrative conveys minimal focus and meaning. The story demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that may stray from the point of the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated only minimally. (“ As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home.”)

The audience for the story is often unclear. (“ As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home. The next day they went right back to see if the old man has still there when they looked inside the window he poped up saying give me back my candy! They ran back to their house and hid in their bedroom they heard the foot steps of the old man marching up the steps. They heard the door opening they ran in to the closet and waited. He finally opened the closed every body came out sprinting they jumped out the window. …They finally found a cop taking a daily drive by. They all hollered for the cop to stop he asked whats the prheoblem they told the whole story. The cop put the old man in custody.”)

Content & Development

This story only features minimal content and development at best. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. In addition, characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may also include details or information that detracts from the story. The narrative, furthermore, lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“They finally found a cop taking a daily drive by. They all hollered for the cop to stop he asked whats the prheoblem they told the whole story. The cop put the old man in custody.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“ As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home. The next day they went right back to see if the old man has still there when they looked inside the window he poped up saying give me back my candy! They ran back to their house and hid in their bedroom they heard the foot steps of the old man marching up the steps. They heard the door opening they ran in to the closet and waited. He finally opened the closed every body came out sprinting they jumped out the window.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is evident to readers. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Additionally, little evidence of an ending is shown.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home. The next day they went right back to see if the old man has still there when they looked inside the window he poped up saying give me back my candy!”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ They finally found a cop taking a daily drive by. They all hollered for the cop to stop he asked whats the prheoblem they told the whole story. The cop put the old man in custody.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the story is minimal. P oor language and word choice are demonstrated, there is little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage are made.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home. The next day they went right back to see if the old man has still there when they looked inside the window he poped up saying give me back my candy!”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ They finally found a cop taking a daily drive by. …The cop put the old man in custody.”)

The story uses the same word (“as”) to begin two sentences in the first paragraph and then again in the second paragraph (“they”). (“ As five kids went to grab the candy an old man yelled at them to get away from his candy. As both of the kids ran away the old man chased them down 5th street until they found a dark ally they hid in a trash can until he passed they all got out of the can and ran home. …They finally found a cop taking a daily drive by. They all hollered for the cop to stop he asked whats the prheoblem they told the whole story.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The narrative shows minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ They finally found a cop taking a daily drive by. They all hollered for the cop to stop he asked whats the prheoblem they told the whole story.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and ''my heart is pounding as hard as a drum'' too Boo Boo. Some little kids found them and they were trying to play with them. Finally there dad called every single child that was outside to come and eat dinner and Yogi bear and Boo Boo ran off.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. A lmost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is shown. The narrative provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“ When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga.”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo. Some little kids found them and they were trying to play with them. Finally there dad called every single child that was outside to come and eat dinner and Yogi bear and Boo Boo ran off.”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“ Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo.”)

Content & Development

This brief story consists of inadequate content and development. The narrative l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. A lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo. Some little kids found them and they were trying to play with them. Finally there dad called every single child that was outside to come and eat dinner and Yogi bear and Boo Boo ran off.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears.”)

There is very little use of dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is clearly apparent to readers of this story. The narrative lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo. Some little kids found them and they were trying to play with them. Finally there dad called every single child that was outside to come and eat dinner and Yogi bear and Boo Boo ran off.”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo. Some little kids found them and they were trying to play with them. Finally there dad called every single child that was outside to come and eat dinner and Yogi bear and Boo Boo ran off.”)

The ending does not leave readers with something to think about. (“When I was walking through the forest one day with a group of my friends we found Yogi bear and Boo Boo. Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo. Some little kids found them and they were trying to play with them. Finally there dad called every single child that was outside to come and eat dinner and Yogi bear and Boo Boo ran off.”)

Language Use & Style

This story features inadequate language use and style. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears.”)

There is repetition, with several sentences beginning with “Yogi.” (“ Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo.”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ Yogi was sitting on a yellow blanket doing yoga. Yogi bear and Boo Boo are like brother bears. Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo. Some little kids found them and they were trying to play with them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions in the story is inadequate. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are so severe that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Yogi bear and 'my heart is pounding as hard as a drum' too Boo Boo. Some little kids found them and they were trying to play with them. Finally there dad called every single child that was outside to come and eat dinner and Yogi bear and Boo Boo ran off.”)

Write a Scary Story

What makes a story scary? Some scary stories include monsters, haunted houses, or snarling animals. They also build suspense and contain plot twists to surprise the reader. What frightful elements would you include in a scary story?

Write a scary story. Be sure to use details to help readers imagine what is happening in your story.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Hundreds of years ago, there was a village, high in technology and medicine. Their goods were so amazing that if you got one for ten camels at that time, it was practically stealing. But amid all this wonder and amazement, lies the secret to their advancement, the Wanderer. The Wanderer was a girl, age varying between two days and 90 years. She was a spirit, trapped to the Earth by a necklace that holds the bearer in a place between life and death. The Wanderer was almost always the first-born girl of the current leader; she was chosen since the moment of birth. But in order for a girl to become one, the current Wanderer must choose whether she is worthy, thus deciding whether she is better off human, or being a Wanderer. If the Wanderer decided that she is better off human, she will stay as a human until she dies, but if she is worthy of being one, then the necklace is placed around her neck and she becomes one. The chosen girl becomes the Wanderer, if the current one accepts it, on the first misty dawn of spring. If the spring goes by without any dawns with mist, there is no new Wanderer for that year, and so sometimes gaps between a new girl varied between 1 year, or hundreds. The job of a Wanderer is to go around the world, learning secrets to medicine and technology, and telling it to the village’s healer so that he can tell the proper people. Here is the story of how Annette became a Wanderer.

“Annette, Annette!” cried her father, leader of the village. “Wake up!”

Annette lifted her face from her bed and looked at her father. “What is it?” she asked.

“Mist, out in the field. It is time,” replied her father.

Annette looked out the window; there it was, mist, and right before dawn. All her life, Annette was told about this day, when mist would come right before dawn, and she would leave her body, forever. She quickly got into the gown, white and flowing, woven with treads made of gold, and long and flowing, that was used for the ceremony. She went outside to a platform in the middle of the town. Almost everyone in the village was already up, except a few babies. She went onto the platform, her gown waving all over the place as she walked up the stairs onto it. She turned to face the people, and she saw many people: people she loved, people she hated, and people she had never met.

The sun had not yet risen over the horizon, but pale blue was beginning to show where the sun would later rise. “My people,” she began “it is my duty, and my honor to be this year’s Wanderer.” The mist was starting to thicken, so she couldn’t see the back row of people. “But before I leave, I would like tosay a few words about my life here.” She started telling about her favorite memories, her memories that she preferred to forget, and when she was done, the sun was just barely beneath the horizon. She ended with, “I wish that you all keep our village safe, and that you all will become people of legend. So it is my time, I Annette, daughter of the village’s leader, proclaim that I shall become, if the Wanderer accepts it, the Wanderer for many months to come!”

The crowd cheered as she was led off stage and into the thickest part of the mist.

Her father came and gave her a hug, and said, “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you to. I love you father,” she replied.

She was then led to a field by the healer, who said, “From here on, you must go on alone.”

Annette nodded and walked into the field, she then waited, for what felt like an hour. Then suddenly, she thought she saw something that moved. Then, slowly sliding through the mist came the Wanderer, her face still streaked with tears from leaving her family behind so long ago. The Wanderer walked slowly, her bare feet making no noise as they stepped in the sodden grass and her dress blowing out behind her as she stepped. Behind her the ground left no mark as to where she just stepped.

Annette stood; all her life, she had waited for this. The Wanderer came to Annette and motioned for her to lie down. Annette slowly paced herself on the ground. Then the Wanderer came and touched her forehead. The Wanderer was deciding whether to let her become a Wanderer or not. Annette’s eyes closed, for the hand was making her tired. Finally, the Wanderer decided that Annette would become one! The Wanderer took off the necklace that lay around her neck and placed it around Annette’s. As soon as the Wanderer’s fingers stopped touching the necklace, she disappeared, and Annette’s spirit sat up, her body still laying on the ground. She stood up, looked around, and then walked into the mist, never to be seen until the next day when someone would become a Wanderer.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This narrative contains very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she also provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story very effectively. (“Annette looked out the window; there it was, mist, and right before dawn. All her life, Annette was told about this day, when mist would come right before dawn, and she would leave her body, forever. She quickly got into the gown, white and flowing, woven with treads made of gold, and long and flowing, that was used for the ceremony…Then the Wanderer came and touched her forehead. The Wanderer was deciding whether to let her become a Wanderer or not. Annette’s eyes closed, for the hand was making her tired. Finally, the Wanderer decided that Annette would become one! The Wanderer took off the necklace that lay around her neck and placed it around Annette’s.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events are stated well. (“Hundreds of years ago, there was a village, high in technology and medicine. Their goods were so amazing that if you got one for ten camels at that time, it was practically stealing. But amid all this wonder and amazement, lies the secret to their advancement, the Wanderer. The Wanderer was a girl, age varying between two days and 90 years. She was a spirit, trapped to the Earth by a necklace that holds the bearer in a place between life and death.”)

The audience is thoroughly understood. (“The job of a Wanderer is to go around the world, learning secrets to medicine and technology, and telling it to the village’s healer so that he can tell the proper people. Here is the story of how Annette became a Wanderer.”)

All of the parts and details of the story relate to the main event. (“The sun had not yet risen over the horizon, but pale blue was beginning to show where the sun would later rise. ‘My people,’ she began ‘it is my duty, and my honor to be this year’s Wanderer.’ The mist was starting to thicken, so she couldn’t see the back row of people. ‘But before I leave, I would like tosay a few words about my life here.’ She started telling about her favorite memories, her memories that she preferred to forget, and when she was done, the sun was just barely beneath the horizon. She ended with, ‘I wish that you all keep our village safe, and that you all will become people of legend.’”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. (“The chosen girl becomes the Wanderer, if the current one accepts it, on the first misty dawn of spring. If the spring goes by without any dawns with mist, there is no new Wanderer for that year, and so sometimes gaps between a new girl varied between 1 year, or hundreds.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are evident in this story. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting, creates complex characters, and clearly establishes tension, conflict, and/or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts in stories at this score level.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“Then, slowly sliding through the mist came the Wanderer, her face still streaked with tears from leaving her family behind so long ago. The Wanderer walked slowly, her bare feet making no noise as they stepped in the sodden grass and her dress blowing out behind her as she stepped. Behind her the ground left no mark as to where she just stepped…Annette stood; all her life, she had waited for this. The Wanderer came to Annette and motioned for her to lie down. Annette slowly paced herself on the ground. Then the Wanderer came and touched her forehead. The Wanderer was deciding whether to let her become a Wanderer or not. Annette’s eyes closed, for the hand was making her tired. Finally, the Wanderer decided that Annette would become one! The Wanderer took off the necklace that lay around her neck and placed it around Annette’s. As soon as the Wanderer’s fingers stopped touching the necklace, she disappeared, and Annette’s spirit sat up, her body still laying on the ground.”)

There is very effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“‘Mist, out in the field. It is time,’ replied her father…Annette looked out the window; there it was, mist, and right before dawn. All her life, Annette was told about this day, when mist would come right before dawn, and she would leave her body, forever…Then, slowly sliding through the mist came the Wanderer, her face still streaked with tears from leaving her family behind so long ago. The Wanderer walked slowly, her bare feet making no noise as they stepped in the sodden grass and her dress blowing out behind her as she stepped.”)

Very effective sensory detail develops the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“Annette nodded and walked into the field, she then waited, for what felt like an hour. Then suddenly, she thought she saw something that moved. Then, slowly sliding through the mist came the Wanderer, her face still streaked with tears from leaving her family behind so long ago. The Wanderer walked slowly, her bare feet making no noise as they stepped in the sodden grass and her dress blowing out behind her as she stepped. Behind her the ground left no mark as to where she just stepped…Annette stood; all her life, she had waited for this.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem/conflict. (“‘My people,’ she began ‘it is my duty, and my honor to be this year’s Wanderer.’ The mist was starting to thicken, so she couldn’t see the back row of people. ‘But before I leave, I would like tosay a few words about my life here.’ She started telling about her favorite memories, her memories that she preferred to forget, and when she was done, the sun was just barely beneath the horizon. She ended with, ‘I wish that you all keep our village safe, and that you all will become people of legend. So it is my time, I Annette, daughter of the village’s leader, proclaim that I shall become, if the Wanderer accepts it, the Wanderer for many months to come!’”)

The outcome/resolution is very effectively described. (“Finally, the Wanderer decided that Annette would become one! The Wanderer took off the necklace that lay around her neck and placed it around Annette’s. As soon as the Wanderer’s fingers stopped touching the necklace, she disappeared, and Annette’s spirit sat up, her body still laying on the ground. She stood up, looked around, and then walked into the mist, never to be seen until the next day when someone would become a Wanderer.”)

Organization

This story has very effective organization. It captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story, which flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. Further, the story has an ending that completely pulls it together.

The beginning includes very effective background information about the event. (“Hundreds of years ago, there was a village, high in technology and medicine. Their goods were so amazing that if you got one for ten camels at that time, it was practically stealing. But amid all this wonder and amazement, lies the secret to their advancement, the Wanderer.”)

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“The Wanderer was a girl, age varying between two days and 90 years. She was a spirit, trapped to the Earth by a necklace that holds the bearer in a place between life and death…The chosen girl becomes the Wanderer, if the current one accepts it, on the first misty dawn of spring. If the spring goes by without any dawns with mist, there is no new Wanderer for that year, and so sometimes gaps between a new girl varied between 1 year, or hundreds.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events. (“‘So it is my time, I Annette, daughter of the village’s leader, proclaim that I shall become, if the Wanderer accepts it, the Wanderer for many months to come!’…The crowd cheered as she was led off stage and into the thickest part of the mist…Her father came and gave her a hug, and said, ‘I’ll miss you.’…‘I’ll miss you to. I love you father,’ she replied…She was then led to a field by the healer, who said, ‘From here on, you must go on alone.’”)

There is a very effective, creative ending that includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“Finally, the Wanderer decided that Annette would become one! The Wanderer took off the necklace that lay around her neck and placed it around Annette’s. As soon as the Wanderer’s fingers stopped touching the necklace, she disappeared, and Annette’s spirit sat up, her body still laying on the ground. She stood up, looked around, and then walked into the mist, never to be seen until the next day when someone would become a Wanderer.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style can be seen in this story. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. This is especially true in the paragraph where the protagonist encounters the “Wanderer.” (“ Annette nodded and walked into the field, she then waited, for what felt like an hour. Then suddenly, she thought she saw something that moved. Then, slowly sliding through the mist came the Wanderer, her face still streaked with tears from leaving her family behind so long ago. The Wanderer walked slowly, her bare feet making no noise as they stepped in the sodden grass and her dress blowing out behind her as she stepped. Behind her the ground left no mark as to where she just stepped.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ Almost everyone in the village was already up, except a few babies. She went onto the platform, her gown waving all over the place as she walked up the stairs onto it. She turned to face the people, and she saw many people: people she loved, people she hated, and people she had never met…The sun had not yet risen over the horizon, but pale blue was beginning to show where the sun would later rise. ‘My people,’ she began ‘it is my duty, and my honor to be this year’s Wanderer.’”)

The compound-complex sentence, “ As soon as the Wanderer’s fingers stopped touching the necklace, she disappeared, and Annette’s spirit sat up, her body still laying on the ground,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is displayed in this story. In narratives at this score level, there are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling . For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, ends with a punctuation mark, and is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“ The mist was starting to thicken, so she couldn’t see the back row of people. ‘But before I leave, I would like tosay a few words about my life here.’ She started telling about her favorite memories, her memories that she preferred to forget, and when she was done, the sun was just barely beneath the horizon.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Halloween Night in the Graveyard

“Can you pronounce the last name on this headstone?” Carly asked Abigail. They were in a graveyard on Halloween night. They wanted to see how many names started with an F because that is the first letter of FRIENDSHIP. So far, Carly and Abigail have counted 254.

“I have no idea how to pronounce this last name on the headstone, but Fernando had the same birthday as you.” Abigail stated.

“Cool, but we need to keep counting. We have to be home by 8 o’clock so we can go trick-or-treating,” Carly reminded. As the sun started to set, the girls came across a headstone that said, YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE. Carly and Abigail looked at each feeling frightened and picked up the pace. They could not stop looking around them because now it was dark, and they were freaked out by the threatening words on the headstone. Carly started to see a hand creeping up out of the headstone and then a head. Once she saw that, all she could do was scream like a girl in a horror movie. Although she felt like she was in one. Abigail had no idea why her friend screamed so she looked around but didn’t see anything...Only a billion headstones.

“Why did you just scream and pretty much shatter my ear drum?” questioned Abigail. Carly was too scared to talk, so she just pointed.

“I just looked there Carly. If you’re trying to scare me, you’re not doing a good job.” The head popped up again and Carly yelled,

“LOOK!” Abigail looked over right away and, she saw the head too.

“Oh, look at the time,” Abigail tried saying without panicking. “RUN!” As they started heading towards home, Carly twisted her ankle and could barely walk or run. Suddenly, more than 100 bodies came out from under the ground. They were all mumbling because they were dead for so long that they were pretty much zombies. The girls were at the grave yard for too long so the gates were closed, and there was no way out. They couldn’t hop the fences because they were probably 50 feet tall. Too tall for them to climb!

“We’re going to die! We’re going to die!” panicked Carly.

“I know, I am so scared! My phone has no bars so I can’t even call anybody. My mom is probably going crazy!” cried Abigail. Carly and Abigail looked around trying to find someone, but all they saw were a bunch of dead bodies following them. The girls were sprinting with all their might. Carly couldn’t run anymore because of her injured ankle. There was a gigantic grave, so the girls hid behind that to rest. Both girls felt a bumpy, slimy tap on their shoulder. They both turned around very slowly and screamed. It was the dead body creeping out of the grave. The dead body or the zombie made a weird sound, and then in 20 seconds all of the people that were buried were surrounding Carly and Abigail. The girls were trapped with no way out surrounded by zombies. They knew that they were not going to get out of the graveyard alive.

“Hey! I just thought of something. All of these dead bodies have to go away by dawn because the people that work here come at like 5:00 in the morning,” whispered Abigail.

“Yea, but what about our parents?” gasped Carly.

“Oh yea,” pouted Abigail.

As the sun started to rise and as the workers started to arrive, they saw a bunch of ripped up grass and wondered what happened that night. Abigail and Carly were never to be seen ever again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident in this story. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she also provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The events in the story are often consistent with the prompt. (“As the sun started to set, the girls came across a headstone that said, YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE. Carly and Abigail looked at each feeling frightened and picked up the pace. They could not stop looking around them because now it was dark, and they were freaked out by the threatening words on the headstone. Carly started to see a hand creeping up out of the headstone and then a head. Once she saw that, all she could do was scream like a girl in a horror movie. Although she felt like she was in one. Abigail had no idea why her friend screamed so she looked around but didn’t see anything...Only a billion headstones.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“‘Oh, look at the time,’ Abigail tried saying without panicking. ‘RUN!’ As they started heading towards home, Carly twisted her ankle and could barely walk or run. Suddenly, more than 100 bodies came out from under the ground. They were all mumbling because they were dead for so long that they were pretty much zombies. The girls were at the grave yard for too long so the gates were closed, and there was no way out.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“‘I know, I am so scared! My phone has no bars so I can’t even call anybody. My mom is probably going crazy!’ cried Abigail. Carly and Abigail looked around trying to find someone, but all they saw were a bunch of dead bodies following them.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. (“It was the dead body creeping out of the grave. The dead body or the zombie made a weird sound, and then in 20 seconds all of the people that were buried were surrounding Carly and Abigail. The girls were trapped with no way out surrounded by zombies.”)

Content & Development

This story has good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes tension, conflict, and/or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. (“‘Why did you just scream and pretty much shatter my ear drum?’ questioned Abigail. Carly was too scared to talk, so she just pointed…‘I just looked there Carly. If you’re trying to scare me, you’re not doing a good job.’ The head popped up again and Carly yelled, ‘LOOK!’ Abigail looked over right away and, she saw the head too.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“‘Can you pronounce the last name on this headstone?’ Carly asked Abigail. They were in a graveyard on Halloween night. They wanted to see how many names started with an F because that is the first letter of FRIENDSHIP…‘Cool, but we need to keep counting. We have to be home by 8 o’clock so we can go trick-or-treating,’ Carly reminded. As the sun started to set, the girls came across a headstone that said, YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE. Carly and Abigail looked at each feeling frightened and picked up the pace. They could not stop looking around them because now it was dark, and they were freaked out by the threatening words on the headstone.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem/conflict. (“‘We’re going to die! We’re going to die!’ panicked Carly…‘I know, I am so scared! My phone has no bars so I can’t even call anybody. My mom is probably going crazy!’ cried Abigail.”)

Details effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. (“It was the dead body creeping out of the grave. The dead body or the zombie made a weird sound, and then in 20 seconds all of the people that were buried were surrounding Carly and Abigail. The girls were trapped with no way out surrounded by zombies. They knew that they were not going to get out of the graveyard alive.”)

The outcome/resolution is effectively described; however, it is rather brief. (“As the sun started to rise and as the workers started to arrive, they saw a bunch of ripped up grass and wondered what happened that night. Abigail and Carly were never to be seen ever again.”)

Organization

This story utilizes good organization. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story also flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, and the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. Additionally, the beginning includes effective background information about the event. ( “‘Can you pronounce the last name on this headstone?’ Carly asked Abigail. They were in a graveyard on Halloween night. They wanted to see how many names started with an F because that is the first letter of FRIENDSHIP.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. ( “‘Oh, look at the time,’ Abigail tried saying without panicking. ‘RUN!’ As they started heading towards home, Carly twisted her ankle and could barely walk or run. Suddenly, more than 100 bodies came out from under the ground. They were all mumbling because they were dead for so long that they were pretty much zombies.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ They couldn’t hop the fences because they were probably 50 feet tall. Too tall for them to climb!...‘We’re going to die! We’re going to die!’ panicked Carly…The girls were trapped with no way out surrounded by zombies. They knew that they were not going to get out of the graveyard alive.”)

The ending is creative. (“ As the sun started to rise and as the workers started to arrive, they saw a bunch of ripped up grass and wondered what happened that night. Abigail and Carly were never to be seen ever again.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is evident. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. He/she uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

Language and tone stay consistent as the story proceeds to its climax. (“ They could not stop looking around them because now it was dark, and they were freaked out by the threatening words on the headstone. Carly started to see a hand creeping up out of the headstone and then a head. Once she saw that, all she could do was scream like a girl in a horror movie. Although she felt like she was in one. Abigail had no idea why her friend screamed so she looked around but didn’t see anything…Only a billion headstones.”)

Coherent style and tone, such as in the ending, ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ ‘Hey! I just thought of something. All of these dead bodies have to go away by dawn because the people that work here come at like 5:00 in the morning,’ whispered Abigail…‘Yea, but what about our parents?’ gasped Carly…‘Oh yea,’ pouted Abigail…As the sun started to rise and as the workers started to arrive, they saw a bunch of ripped up grass and wondered what happened that night. Abigail and Carly were never to be seen ever again.”)

The compound sentence, “ The dead body or the zombie made a weird sound, and then in 20 seconds all of the people that were buried were surrounding Carly and Abigail,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is also evident in this story. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message . For example, in narratives at this score level, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, and are indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“ Carly and Abigail looked at each feeling frightened and picked up the pace. They could not stop looking around them because now it was dark, and they were freaked out by the threatening words on the headstone. Carly started to see a hand creeping up out of the headstone and then a head.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Two Vampires

On a rainy, stormy day at New York, there were these two boys whose names were Jack and Zack. Jack love adventure and Zack loved video games. While Zack plays his video games, Jack goes on the Internet and searches anything he wants. Jack and Zack had pretty much a boring life until Jack saw the lights flicker.

Jack said, “Did you see that?” Of course Zack did not see that because he was playing his video games. It dangerously flickered again, and this time he saw it. When Jack goes to his room and goes on the Internet, he looks behind and saw a knife on the floor. Jack yelled, “Zack, come over here now!” So when Zack came he saw the lights flicker again. Jack tells Zack to go get the phone down stairs. A little while later, Zack didn’t come back to bring the phone, Jack was wondering why but then he realised that he got back on the video games. When Jack came down all he saw was Zack’s video games but no sign of Zack. Jack was still looking to find Zack everywhere, but still no sign of Zack. He heard knocking now, and he was about to answer the door but something told him not to. Jack was really scared. He saw a phone on the ground and called Zack but still no answer. He heard the phone in the attic. When he went up, he saw Zack! Zack looked like someone almost killed him but he said, “We better run.” So when they went down, they saw something run like lightening. The brothers also kept hearing weird noises up and down stairs. When they ran for the exit, the door was locked and the knob dropped.

When Jack, had the perfect plan, he looked it up on the Internet and said they were vampires but Zack did not believe him. Jack told him to hide while he sets up a plan. Both of them heard speeding noises again. When Jack was done with his plan they both ran and hood behind the sofa. It’s been a long time and no one ran, but than some one zoomed and there was a big net dropped down on it and saw what they caught. It really was a nasty vampire named BOB. Both Jack and Zack dragged BOB to the sunlight, and than BOB melted. Jack took some of Bob’s DNA and scanned it. It said there was one more vampire so Jack went outside to find it while Zack stayed in.

When Jack went outside there were no sign of the other vampire named Ivy. Almost five years later, when Jack was still finding Ivy, he had no clue where she was. When he looked down, there were footsteps. He followed the footsteps and took him where he had no idea. He saw a knife on the floor again. Jack knew he was getting close.

Eventually, he saw someone run fast. She slowed down and tripped. He saw Ivy! Jack did not know what to do at all, so he froze for a second. She was blue and gray, tall, but she looked horrible. Ivy was running around in circles around Jack. He fell but did not back down. Every second he lost his breath and could not do anything. When the sun came out, Ivy ran away and then he could not find her for good. Jack had no idea where he was. He was lost forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are apparent in this story. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides descriptions and details that are relevant.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is adequate. (“On a rainy, stormy day at New York, there were these two boys whose names were Jack and Zack. Jack love adventure and Zack loved video games. While Zack plays his video games, Jack goes on the Internet and searches anything he wants. Jack and Zack had pretty much a boring life until Jack saw the lights flicker…Jack said, ‘Did you see that?’ Of course Zack did not see that because he was playing his video games. It dangerously flickered again, and this time he saw it. When Jack goes to his room and goes on the Internet, he looks behind and saw a knife on the floor. Jack yelled, ‘Zack, come over here now!’”)

Details focus on the main event. (“He heard knocking now, and he was about to answer the door but something told him not to. Jack was really scared. He saw a phone on the ground and called Zack but still no answer. He heard the phone in the attic. When he went up, he saw Zack! Zack looked like someone almost killed him but he said, ‘We better run.’ So when they went down, they saw something run like lightening. The brothers also kept hearing weird noises up and down stairs. When they ran for the exit, the door was locked and the knob dropped…When Jack, had the perfect plan, he looked it up on the Internet and said they were vampires but Zack did not believe him. Jack told him to hide while he sets up a plan.”)

In the beginning of the essay, what happened before the main event is stated. (“On a rainy, stormy day at New York, there were these two boys whose names were Jack and Zack. Jack love adventure and Zack loved video games. While Zack plays his video games, Jack goes on the Internet and searches anything he wants. Jack and Zack had pretty much a boring life until Jack saw the lights flicker.”)

Content & Development

This story demonstrates adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes tension, conflict, and/or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. In stories at this level, dialogue may additionally be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events. (“Both of them heard speeding noises again. When Jack was done with his plan they both ran and hood behind the sofa. It’s been a long time and no one ran, but than some one zoomed and there was a big net dropped down on it and saw what they caught. It really was a nasty vampire named BOB. Both Jack and Zack dragged BOB to the sunlight, and than BOB melted. Jack took some of Bob’s DNA and scanned it. It said there was one more vampire so Jack went outside to find it while Zack stayed in.”)

The characters are developed in adequate detail. (“Jack love adventure and Zack loved video games. While Zack plays his video games, Jack goes on the Internet and searches anything he wants…Jack was still looking to find Zack everywhere, but still no sign of Zack. He heard knocking now, and he was about to answer the door but something told him not to. Jack was really scared. He saw a phone on the ground and called Zack but still no answer. He heard the phone in the attic. When he went up, he saw Zack! Zack looked like someone almost killed him but he said, ‘We better run.’ So when they went down, they saw something run like lightening. The brothers also kept hearing weird noises up and down stairs. When they ran for the exit, the door was locked and the knob dropped…When Jack, had the perfect plan, he looked it up on the Internet and said they were vampires but Zack did not believe him.”)

Details adequately describe the problem in the story. (“Jack said, ‘Did you see that?’ Of course Zack did not see that because he was playing his video games. It dangerously flickered again, and this time he saw it. When Jack goes to his room and goes on the Internet, he looks behind and saw a knife on the floor. Jack yelled, ‘Zack, come over here now!’ So when Zack came he saw the lights flicker again. Jack tells Zack to go get the phone down stairs. A little while later, Zack didn’t come back to bring the phone, Jack was wondering why but then he realised that he got back on the video games. When Jack came down all he saw was Zack’s video games but no sign of Zack.”)

Details adequately describe the solution. (“Eventually, he saw someone run fast. She slowed down and tripped. He saw Ivy! Jack did not know what to do at all, so he froze for a second. She was blue and gray, tall, but she looked horrible. Ivy was running around in circles around Jack. He fell but did not back down. Every second he lost his breath and could not do anything. When the sun came out, Ivy ran away and then he could not find her for good. Jack had no idea where he was. He was lost forever.”)

Organization

The story contains adequate organization. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps readers reading. The story also generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The mood in the beginning is set with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ On a rainy, stormy day at New York, there were these two boys whose names were Jack and Zack. Jack love adventure and Zack loved video games. While Zack plays his video games, Jack goes on the Internet and searches anything he wants. Jack and Zack had pretty much a boring life until Jack saw the lights flicker.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ It’s been a long time and no one ran, but than some one zoomed and there was a big net dropped down on it and saw what they caught. It really was a nasty vampire named BOB. Both Jack and Zack dragged BOB to the sunlight, and than BOB melted. Jack took some of Bob’s DNA and scanned it. It said there was one more vampire so Jack went outside to find it while Zack stayed in…When Jack went outside there were no sign of the other vampire named Ivy. Almost five years later, when Jack was still finding Ivy, he had no clue where she was. When he looked down, there were footsteps. He followed the footsteps and took him where he had no idea. He saw a knife on the floor again. Jack knew he was getting close…Eventually, he saw someone run fast. She slowed down and tripped. He saw Ivy!”)

The story demonstrates an adequate and creative ending. (“ He saw Ivy! Jack did not know what to do at all, so he froze for a second. She was blue and gray, tall, but she looked horrible. Ivy was running around in circles around Jack. He fell but did not back down. Every second he lost his breath and could not do anything. When the sun came out, Ivy ran away and then he could not find her for good. Jack had no idea where he was. He was lost forever.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is seen in this narrative. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Almost five years later, when Jack was still finding Ivy, he had no clue where she was. When he looked down, there were footsteps. He followed the footsteps and took him where he had no idea. He saw a knife on the floor again. Jack knew he was getting close.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the word “clue” in the following sentence: “ Almost five years later, when Jack was still finding Ivy, he had no clue where she was.”

The compound-complex sentence, “Zack looked like someone almost killed him but he said, ‘We better run,’” is used well.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, in stories at this score level, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, and are indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“ So when Zack came he saw the lights flicker again. Jack tells Zack to go get the phone down stairs. A little while later, Zack didn’t come back to bring the phone, Jack was wondering why but then he realised that he got back on the video games. When Jack came down all he saw was Zack’s video games but no sign of Zack.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The man looked at the newspaper from 10 years ago. “With all the reasearch i have done i should gotten somewhere,” the detective said. With papers spread everewhere he said,”It is midnight so i an going home.” He got in the car and called his wife and told her he would be home soon. He arived at the house and parked the car. they lived in a friendly neighbor hood. He came in and floped his breifcase on the couch. His wife asked if he found anything out. He said no, and took his tie off. Half an hour passed and they where in bed talking. Jenny said,” With such a nice house and all, dont you think that we need a new bed?” He said that he will look for one tomorrow.That would be their last nice night.

The next morning Bob got up and left for work. During his lunch break he left for lunch. on his way he picked up jenny and drove around. She saw an add for a free bed. He called the number. A lady answered and she told him that he wanted the bed. They drove over and nocked on the door. She had a nice place. The lady answered the door and said to come in and they did. She seemed pleasant and showed them the bed. They both laid down to see how comfortable it was and the next thing they knem they where falling down a big, dark, pit. They heard voices all around them. They stayed together not letting go of eachother for hours. Sudenly someone tapped them on the shoulder. They where frozen, the man looked like he walked out or the 80s. More and more people started coming nearer. Bob and Jenny started to get to know the people. They all had the same story. they came to a ladies house, laided in a bed, and that was the last thing they remembered. Bob said to Jenny that all these where missing people from different times. They where frightened.

They heard a booming noise and all the other people backed up to the edge of the pit. all the sudden they where lifted up in the air and that was the last anyoune ever heard of them again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in this story. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Further, he/she provides descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story.

The writer states a main event. (“They both laid down to see how comfortable it was and the next thing they knem they where falling down a big, dark, pit. They heard voices all around them. They stayed together not letting go of eachother for hours. Sudenly someone tapped them on the shoulder. They where frozen, the man looked like he walked out or the 80s.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events are limitedly stated. (“The man looked at the newspaper from 10 years ago. ‘With all the reasearch i have done i should gotten somewhere,’ the detective said. With papers spread everewhere he said,’It is midnight so i an going home.’ He got in the car and called his wife and told her he would be home soon.”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“He arived at the house and parked the car. they lived in a friendly neighbor hood. He came in and floped his breifcase on the couch. His wife asked if he found anything out. He said no, and took his tie off.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development can be seen in this story. It provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but it lacks sufficient details to make the writing more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed. Some dialogue may also be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“They drove over and nocked on the door. She had a nice place. The lady answered the door and said to come in and they did. She seemed pleasant and showed them the bed. They both laid down to see how comfortable it was and the next thing they knem they where falling down a big, dark, pit. They heard voices all around them. They stayed together not letting go of eachother for hours.”)

The setting is developed in only limited detail. Additionally, there is limited sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). This is especially true of the woman’s house, where the climax of the story occurs. (“The next morning Bob got up and left for work. During his lunch break he left for lunch. on his way he picked up jenny and drove around. She saw an add for a free bed. He called the number. A lady answered and she told him that he wanted the bed. They drove over and nocked on the door. She had a nice place.”)

Dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is limited. For instance, adding more dialogue in the example that follows could have resulted in further setting or character development and added more suspense. (“His wife asked if he found anything out. He said no, and took his tie off. Half an hour passed and they where in bed talking. Jenny said,’ With such a nice house and all, dont you think that we need a new bed?’ He said that he will look for one tomorrow.”)

There is limited development about what happened before the event. (“The man looked at the newspaper from 10 years ago. ‘With all the reasearch i have done i should gotten somewhere,’ the detective said. With papers spread everewhere he said,’It is midnight so i an going home.’”)

Organization

Limited organization is demonstrated. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention, and the flow of the story may be broken by lapses in time and sequence. Transitions may also be weak, though the story does provide readers with some sense of closure.

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“‘ With such a nice house and all, dont you think that we need a new bed?’ He said that he will look for one tomorrow.That would be their last nice night…The next morning Bob got up and left for work. During his lunch break he left for lunch. on his way he picked up jenny and drove around.”)

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by using details. (“ The man looked at the newspaper from 10 years ago. ‘With all the reasearch i have done i should gotten somewhere,’ the detective said.”)

The story includes a limited ending but does give a sense of closure. (“ They heard a booming noise and all the other people backed up to the edge of the pit. all the sudden they where lifted up in the air and that was the last anyoune ever heard of them again.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected in a limited way. In this case, it is through the fate of the detective. (“The man looked at the newspaper from 10 years ago. ‘With all the reasearch i have done i should gotten somewhere,’ the detective said. With papers spread everewhere he said,’It is midnight so i an going home.’...They heard a booming noise and all the other people backed up to the edge of the pit. all the sudden they where lifted up in the air and that was the last anyoune ever heard of them again.”)

Language Use & Style

There is limited language use and style in this story. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety and word choice.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ She saw an add for a free bed. He called the number. A lady answered and she told him that he wanted the bed. They drove over and nocked on the door. She had a nice place.”)

The writer uses the same group of words, in this case, the word “they,” to begin more than two sentences in the paragraph highlighting the main event. (“ They both laid down to see how comfortable it was and the next thing they knem they where falling down a big, dark, pit. They heard voices all around them. They stayed together not letting go of eachother for hours. Sudenly someone tapped them on the shoulder. They where frozen, the man looked like he walked out or the 80s.”)

Transitions are needed to improve the flow of the main event. (“ They drove over and nocked on the door. She had a nice place. The lady answered the door and said to come in and they did. She seemed pleasant and showed them the bed. They both laid down to see how comfortable it was and the next thing they knem they where falling down a big, dark, pit. They heard voices all around them. They stayed together not letting go of eachother for hours. Sudenly someone tapped them on the shoulder. They where frozen, the man looked like he walked out or the 80s. More and more people started coming nearer. Bob and Jenny started to get to know the people. They all had the same story. they came to a ladies house, laided in a bed, and that was the last thing they remembered. Bob said to Jenny that all these where missing people from different times. They where frightened.”)

The style is not formal. (“ They where frozen, the man looked like he walked out or the 80s.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics can be seen in this narrative. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), starts with a capital letter, ends with a punctuation mark, and is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“They all had the same story. they came to a ladies house, laided in a bed, and that was the last thing they remembered. Bob said to Jenny that all these where missing people from different times. They where frightened.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

A Dark and Stormy Night

In a dark and stormy night I was in my bed watching t.v; just by self and nobody else.When out of a sudden I hear stuff banging and the crystal breaking continuously. So i went so I run out yelling , when I was turning around to if there wasn’t anybody in there trying to scare me.So I turned forward and i saw a stranger right there next to my house.

So I went running back to the house and called the police an d told them I had somebody suspicious in the street.And that same stranger wouldn’t stop looking at me. After a while the police came and told me ‘‘who’s the stranger’’ and I turned around and he wasn’t there, he was gone. So after that he was never seen ever again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, and provides descriptions and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The main event is only minimally stated. (“So I turned forward and i saw a stranger right there next to my house…So I went running back to the house and called the police an d told them I had somebody suspicious in the street.And that same stranger wouldn’t stop looking at me.”)

In the beginning of the story, the supporting events are only minimally stated. (“In a dark and stormy night I was in my bed watching t.v; just by self and nobody else.When out of a sudden I hear stuff banging and the crystal breaking continuously.”)

Also, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is only minimally stated. (“In a dark and stormy night I was in my bed watching t.v; just by self and nobody else.When out of a sudden I hear stuff banging and the crystal breaking continuously. So i went so I run out yelling , when I was turning around to if there wasn’t anybody in there trying to scare me.So I turned forward and i saw a stranger right there next to my house.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“After a while the police came and told me ‘who’s the stranger’ and I turned around and he wasn’t there, he was gone.”)

Content & Development

This story contains minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. A narrative at this level may include details or information that detracts from the story and may also lack tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Further, little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events. (“So I went running back to the house and called the police an d told them I had somebody suspicious in the street.And that same stranger wouldn’t stop looking at me. After a while the police came and told me ‘who’s the stranger’ and I turned around and he wasn’t there, he was gone. So after that he was never seen ever again.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“In a dark and stormy night I was in my bed watching t.v; just by self and nobody else.When out of a sudden I hear stuff banging and the crystal breaking continuously.”)

Characters are not developed in detail. An example of this would be the “stranger.” (“So I turned forward and i saw a stranger right there next to my house…So I went running back to the house and called the police an d told them I had somebody suspicious in the street.And that same stranger wouldn’t stop looking at me.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is not developed. (“After a while the police came and told me ‘who’s the stranger’ and I turned around and he wasn’t there, he was gone.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“When out of a sudden I hear stuff banging and the crystal breaking continuously. So i went so I run out yelling , when I was turning around to if there wasn’t anybody in there trying to scare me.So I turned forward and i saw a stranger right there next to my house.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is evident in this story. At this score level, the writer may provide an opening that repeats the title of the prompt. Further, the flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence, and little evidence of an ending may be demonstrated.

The beginning only minimally grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ In a dark and stormy night I was in my bed watching t.v; just by self and nobody else.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to make the beginning creative. (“ When out of a sudden I hear stuff banging and the crystal breaking continuously. So i went so I run out yelling , when I was turning around to if there wasn’t anybody in there trying to scare me.So I turned forward and i saw a stranger right there next to my house.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ After a while the police came and told me ‘who’s the stranger’ and I turned around and he wasn’t there, he was gone. So after that he was never seen ever again.”)

The story minimally includes an ending. (“ So after that he was never seen ever again.”)

Language Use & Style

There is minimal language use and style associated with this story. It demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ After a while the police came and told me ‘who’s the stranger’ and I turned around and he wasn’t there, he was gone.”)

The story uses the same group of words to begin the two sentences in the paragraph. (“ So i went so I run out yelling , when I was turning around to if there wasn’t anybody in there trying to scare me.So I turned forward and i saw a stranger right there next to my house.”)

Exact words are missing, as can be seen with the use of the word “stuff” in the following sentence: “ When out of a sudden I hear stuff banging and the crystal breaking continuously.”

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ So I went running back to the house and called the police an d told them I had somebody suspicious in the street.And that same stranger wouldn’t stop looking at me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In a typical story at this score level, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, ends with a punctuation mark, or is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“In a dark and stormy night I was in my bed watching t.v; just by self and nobody else.When out of a sudden I hear stuff banging and the crystal breaking continuously. So i went so I run out yelling , when I was turning around to if there wasn’t anybody in there trying to scare me.So I turned forward and i saw a stranger right there next to my house.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast. He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.he was a real mean monster and kids were scard of his big teeth. I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, or task and provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

A main event is not stated. (“He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.he was a real mean monster and kids were scard of his big teeth.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are not stated. (“Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast. He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.”)

The purpose of the story is not stated. (“Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast. He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.he was a real mean monster and kids were scard of his big teeth. I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

Content & Development

Inadequate or no content and development are evident in this story. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting, and characters are introduced but not developed. Additionally, lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast.”)

The characters are not developed in detail, and there is inadequate sensory detail about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast. He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.he was a real mean monster and kids were scard of his big teeth. I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“he was a real mean monster and kids were scard of his big teeth. I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

Organization

There is inadequate or no organization in this story. At this level, though not in this case, stories may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. This story also lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in sequencing of brief ideas.

The beginning does not creatively grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Further, “Five-” and/or “Fifty-dollar” words/phrases from the Word Bank are not used to make the beginning creative. (“ Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast.”)

Details, words, or phrases are not used in the beginning and ending to engage the readers’ interests. (“ Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast…I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

The story demonstrates no evidence of an ending. (“ I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

Language Use & Style

This narrative contains inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

The story should include more varied and appropriate transitions than “for example” and “and” in the following example: “ I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”

Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast. He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.he was a real mean monster and kids were scard of his big teeth. I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience, which is namely to tell a scary story. This story, however, is also not long enough to fully gauge whether the purpose could be accomplished. (“ Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast. He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.he was a real mean monster and kids were scard of his big teeth. I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics is visible in this story. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

In stories at this score level, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, ends with a punctuation mark, or is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“Once a pon a time there was a cookie monster named monkey beast. He like to prey on little kid that disobeyed there perents and were misteivous.he was a real mean monster and kids were scard of his big teeth. I did nt like him. And neither my friends did.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Your Dreams

We all have dreams about the future and goals we hope to achieve. Write a personal narrative telling about your dreams and goals for the future and how you plan to fulfill them.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My Dreams

I have many dreams. Mostly, I want to be a marine biologist and help animals. At the same time I also want to become an actress and make a lot of money so I can use that money to help the planet. I want to grow up and help animals, people, and all living things. My dream is to help the poor and innocent creatures around us.

I want to become someone who can not only help people but help animals as well. I would like to be a biologist. Any field in biology would do fine. I just want to help animals because of the fact they need more help than humans. They are also losing their homes because of us. They are also being killed to make food for us. What's wrong with a fruit and vegetables? When I grow up, I want to become a biologist and show people how great animals are and that we shouldn't be harming them.

I would most likely want to be a marine biologist. I want to help animals, especially the ones in the ocean and seas. I love the ocean and all living creatures in it. I would be helping dolphins, sharks and much more. I enjoy helping animals because I care about them. I want to become a marine biologist because it seems fun and not only that but I would also get the opportunity to play with the sea creatures instead of harming them. I would be taking harmed animals and treat them so they can be healthy and strong. After they are feeling much better I would take them back to their home. Being a marine biologist I will also bond with the animals. I would love to bond with them and be good friends no matter how hard it might be.

If I can't become what I want then I plan on being an actress since everyone keeps saying I talk like a TV. My friends and family say I am very good at acting. I have many personalities. I enjoy entertaining people. It's one of my many hobbies. I like to make them laugh and smile, even sad sometimes. They say I act like a lot of characters from television, cartoons, and sometimes I even act out a book. I use different sounds for different characters and everyone says I am pretty good at it. I also know actresses make a lot of money. If I get the money I need, I wouldn't spend it all on fancy cars and dresses like others. I would find some way to use that money and help save the animals. Save their homes and also donate it to schools or give to charity. I would love to be an actress and use my talents for good. However, it will be very hard to succeed in being an actress.

Not only do I want to help the planet, but I want to help people too. I want to help the ones that are disable because I think it's sad and not fair that some of us have arms and some might not. I want to help the homeless. They are very poor and some don't o to homeless shelters. I don't know why but I want to give them things they need. I would give them food and a home. The ones who lost their families and homes need help too. For example, the ones who got caught in hurricane Katrina and the September 11 attack.

I plan on being so many things in the future but what I mainly want is to help the world by becoming someone important and special. I want to help animals for fun. I want to bond with them and become friends. I don't want to take them and study them like scientist. I want to treat them and give them good health. I always thought that we need to give more. I want to help people too, not just animals. I want to help the ones who lost their families, home and friends. I also want to help the ones that are disable.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. Essays may or may not use creative openings to grab readers’ attention, although better essays tend to do so. Essays at this level rarely, if ever, provide irrelevant information, although occasionally, they may stray off and provide information that is only tangentially related to the topic. Again, better essays tend not to do this. All the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The language of the thesis statement fits the examples very effectively. (“ Mostly, I want to be a marine biologist and help animals. At the same time I also want to become an actress and make a lot of money so I can use that money to help the planet.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. Relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. Supporting details develop the example well. The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the central idea of the thesis statement. Details explain and illustrate each paragraph’s main idea very effectively. The essay includes facts, statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations to tell a small story. The details provided very effectively support the thesis statement, providing examples of how the author’s dream to become an actress can be a reality. (“My friends and family say I am very good at acting. I have many personalities. I enjoy entertaining people. It's one of my many hobbies. I like to make them laugh and smile, even sad sometimes. They say I act like a lot of characters from television, cartoons, and sometimes I even act out a book.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. Often, essays at this level will include an introduction that creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Although this essay does not include a very creative introduction, it does end with a very effective thesis statement. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. Each paragraph is devoted to a specific aspect of the author’s dream. The details provided help expand upon these ideas very effectively. (“ I would most likely want to be a marine biologist. I want to help animals, especially the ones in the ocean and seas. I love the ocean and all living creatures in it. I would be helping dolphins, sharks and much more.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. C ompound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. Essays at this level are generally easy to read, and have a distinct flow to them. Essays at this level rarely have informal or inappropriate language. Some of the sentences in this essay are short, but the content is still sophisticated enough to receive a 6 for language use and style at the middle school level. (“ Not only do I want to help the planet, but I want to help people too. I want to help the ones that are disable because I think it's sad and not fair that some of us have arms and some might not.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, and each sentence begins with a capital letter and ends with a punctuation mark. Essays at this level will never have significant problems with mechanics or conventions. Occasionally, essays at this level will have some errors, but they never impede meaning. (“ I plan on being so many things in the future but what I mainly want is to help the world by becoming someone important and special. I want to help animals for fun.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Acting is My Passion

You know how everyone has a dream or goal in life well I have a huge dream .Well you know, I have always been interested in acting and singing and I always wondered what I can do in life that involves acting and singing. Well there is only one thing that combines those two things and that is Broadway. Broadway is something that fits me perfectly. I mean I know how to sing and act and I just know this is the perfect place to start. Yes I did say start, the reason why is because I am hoping to get notice by someone in the movie business so I can have a career of being an actress in movies. In this essay I will tell how I am planning on going to be on Broadway and move to acting.

First, you might ask “how can you get in the Broadway business?” Well, I am planning on going to Center Stage this summer in Monrovia . Center Stage is a place where you go practice musical and learn the proper skill and what things you will need to do for Broadway. This place is a perfect start for Broadway. Now of course I need to do other things too, well I got that all planned out. When I go to Arcadia High School I am planning to get in to Choir and Drama. I am still not sure how I am going to do both, but for sure I know it will happen sooner or later and I know it will be sooner.

Second, when I finally get into Broadway hopefully I will get notice so I can audition for big musical such as Mamma Mia or Chicago. Then I need to get a manager to help me get in for big deal in Broadway. Now I know this is not easy to do, but I know if I put everything into it the whole thing will work out perfectly. Also if I do get into Broadway this will require a lot of practice which means I might need maybe a cast member come over and we could practice so I know I would be getting all of it perfect. College is something that I need to do. I could take classes for Broadway requirements and acting for just in case.

Third, once I am in the big musicals I could hopefully get notice by someone in the movie business and that is where my manager would really come in. Not only would my manager do something, but also my family would help by giving me all the support I need. With all this help I could hopefully get into movies and hopefully get more fans. The whole reason for this is because I know I am good at this and could get more fans. The money does not mean that much to me. The awards will be fun like to walk down the red carpet one day. My life long dream is of course to meet Meryl Streep she is an icon I could learn off of her so I could be as famous as her. Well, I could be almost as famous.

As you can see, the Broadway thing is totally worth it. I could go places I do thing I have never done which is wonderful. Now I bet you are thinking I need a back up, well it is all covered. I have a family business that I could manage or be a singer what goes around comes around. With some help with family and friend I know I will definitely make it. I have what it takes this is going to happen I am positive. Well there you have it that is my dream and goal in life and you know everything is not easy to do, but this is something that is easy to and will work for me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay displays good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. Some essays at this level will attempt to grab readers’ attention with an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. This essay does provide some interesting facts about the writer’s chosen profession early in the introduction. All the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The language of the thesis statement fits the effective examples well. The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the author’s dream to star in a Broadway production. Essays at this level rarely provide irrelevant or off-topic information; however, writers may occasionally offer information that is only tangentially related to the topic and still receive a score of 5. (“ You know how everyone has a dream or goal in life well I have a huge dream .Well you know, I have always been interested in acting and singing and I always wondered what I can do in life that involves acting and singing. Well there is only one thing that combines those two things and that is Broadway. Broadway is something that fits me perfectly.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas. Supporting details develop the examples well. The content in the body paragraphs displays a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence, and they both explain and illustrate each main idea well. The details provided are consistent with the topic of that paragraph. (“Also if I do get into Broadway this will require a lot of practice which means I might need maybe a cast member come over and we could practice so I know I would be getting all of it perfect. College is something that I need to do. I could take classes for Broadway requirements and acting for just in case.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and reliable use of transitional devices. Th e essay demonstrates a n effective introduction, body, and conclusion. Essays at this level should separate ideas into paragraphs and expand upon those ideas within each paragraph. Good examples of level 5 essays will use sophisticated transitions; although, not all essays will include them. The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well, providing some ideas as to what may happen in the future. In this case, the author provides inspirational comments about his/her plans. (“ With some help with family and friend I know I will definitely make it. I have what it takes this is going to happen I am positive. Well there you have it that is my dream and goal in life and you know everything is not easy to do, but this is something that is easy to and will work for me.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea/thesis statement of the essay. Occasionally, essays at this level will provide some informal language, but this does not impede meaning. (“ As you can see, the Broadway thing is totally worth it. I could go places I do thing I have never done which is wonderful.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay displays good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, they do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, and are indented at the beginning a new paragraph. Essays at this level rarely make serious mistakes with mechanics and conventions; errors that are made do not impede meaning. (“ With all this help I could hopefully get into movies and hopefully get more fans. The whole reason for this is because I know I am good at this and could get more fans. The money does not mean that much to me.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

We all have dreams and goals that we would like to someday achieve. My dreams may take many years or many days to achieve. A few of my dreams are for me to go to college, stop biting my finger nails, and live life to its fullest. As you can see, some of these really involve dedication for the rest of my life. You may think that these could be hard to accomplish, but I am committed to achieving my goals!

My first dream is that I would like to go to college. My dad has always told me and my sisters to "Fall in love with learning early in your life, and it will serve you well for the rest of your life!” This goal will take lots of time and effort but I am willing to go the distance. So, to be able to achieve this I need to start now. To begin, I should continue to progress in school. That is an important thing to get into college. After college, the sky is the limit! Like my dad always says "There is nothing I can't achieve if I put my mind to it!"

My second dream is to stop biting my nails. This goal is not as big as going to college but it still makes a difference to me. I have tried and tried, over and over and in the end I always have short nails. When I achieve this goal, it will show that I have self control and I can overcome bad habits. I know that I can do it!

Last, but not least, I want to live life to its fullest. I want to never stop learning .I want to never stop smiling and laughing, and I want to always love the simple things in life. However, I know that life can be tough, but in my experience I grow stronger through difficult times. For example, my dad always applauds when I fall down in ice skating because he knows that I am pushing myself harder to achieve my goals! I want to have fun and have a great exprience in life.

So, my dreams are to go to college, stop biting my nails, and live life to it fullest. I know that I can achieve all these goals with some work, some time, and some dedication! I can do it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The thesis statement notes the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; although slang is used occasionally, it does not impede meaning. Essays at this level may offer some irrelevant information, but the vast majority of the content is on topic and relates directly to the paragraph’s main topic. (“My dreams may take many years or many days to achieve. A few of my dreams are for me to go to college, stop biting my finger nails, and live life to its fullest.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support them. The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis statement. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, and explanations about each of the main ideas. Most essays at this level will provide between four and five supporting details in a paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“My second dream is to stop biting my nails. This goal is not as big as going to college but it still makes a difference to me. I have tried and tried, over and over and in the end I always have short nails. When I achieve this goal, it will show that I have self control and I can overcome bad habits. I know that I can do it!”)

Organization

The essay displays adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but the essay contains inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. The essay adequately grabs readers’ attention in the introduction . Transitions between paragraphs and sentences are used adequately. The author makes a brief attempt to provide some inspirational comments with regard to his or her success in achieving these goals. (“ So, my dreams are to go to college, stop biting my nails, and live life to it fullest. I know that I can achieve all these goals with some work, some time, and some dedication! I can do it!” )

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor. Essays at this level show an adequate range of vocabulary, but some areas may seem a bit repetitive or simplistic. (“ Last, but not least, I want to live life to its fullest. I want to never stop learning .I want to never stop smiling and laughing, and I want to always love the simple things in life. However, I know that life can be tough, but in my experience I grow stronger through difficult times.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, and are indented at the beginning a new paragraph. Essays at this level begin to show some errors in mechanics and conventions, but they rarely, if ever, impede meaning. (“ For example, my dad always applauds when I fall down in ice skating because he knows that I am pushing myself harder to achieve my goals! I want to have fun and have a great exprience in life.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In my dreams for high school, I hope to get good grades, and play varsity football in my sophomore year at high school. I also want go play in the playoffs and win the state championship in the UNI Dome. I also hope to go to state track and field in long jump and hurdles just like what my brother Brian did. I also dream to go to an Iowa State at Iowa game at Kinnick Stadium. When working at the Family Table, I hope to be a night manager like my brother Craig. I would like to earn a scholorship to a good school to play defensive end in football.

After high school I hope to find a nice suitable home that I can buy or rent when I move out of my parents' house. In my dreams for college, I hope to go to the BCS National Championship with my team.

Then after my senior year at collage, I dream to get drafted in the second round of the draft by the Green Bay Packers. I would like to go to the Pro Bowl in Hawaii in my first five seasons.

I hope to win the Super Bowl with the Green Bay Packers. I dream to be one of the greatest defensive ends of all time and make the NFL Hall of Fame. When I retire from football, I would like to give money to the poor and open up my own business.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, completing only some parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay states a limited central/controlling idea for the essay. This particular essay begins with a substantive introduction and does remain on topic throughout, but there is insufficient detail to support the thesis statement, and that is where the essay begins to score below adequate. The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. Ideas in the introduction are poorly sequenced, and the result is a poor progression of the author’s plan for his or her future. (“I also dream to go to an Iowa State at Iowa game at Kinnick Stadium. When working at the Family Table, I hope to be a night manager like my brother Craig. I would like to earn a scholorship to a good school to play defensive end in football.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay displays a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis statement. The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. Essays at this level often lack detail in their supporting paragraphs. Often, brevity is the defining feature of a level 3 essay. (“Then after my senior year at collage, I dream to get drafted in the second round of the draft by the Green Bay Packers. I would like to go to the Pro Bowl in Hawaii in my first five seasons.”)

Organization

This essay displays limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; it lacks consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction that includes some background information about the topic. This essay does not use transitional devices. Using transitional devices (for example, first, second, third, next, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ Then after my senior year at collage, I dream to get drafted in the second round of the draft by the Green Bay Packers. I would like to go to the Pro Bowl in Hawaii in my first five seasons.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short. Sometimes essays at this level use the same group of words to begin two sentences in the paragraph. There is repetition. T he essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ I hope to win the Super Bowl with the Green Bay Packers. I dream to be one of the greatest defensive ends of all time and make the NFL Hall of Fame. When I retire from football, I would like to give money to the poor and open up my own business.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. This essay does not have many errors in mechanics and conventions, but it is very brief; therefore, it is often difficult to assess the student’s ability in this area, and it is valid cause for lowering a student’s grade in this domain. (“I would like to earn a scholorship to a good school to play defensive end in football.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Here are a couple of my dreams.I want to be a great stand up comedian to be in a important role in a play and to get into a great college here are some reasons why.

I want to be a great stand up comedian. I'm very funny and make up jokes on the spot.But nothing very bad or raciest jokesand sometimes appear in movies.It would be nice to have allot of fans.

I would like to be in a importnt part of a play. One play I would like be important in is Frakenstine. I would be the best Dr. Frankenstine ever.I saw my brother in a couple of plays and I would love to be in those plays he hasbeen in.And to be a great actor.

I want to get into a great college.Like the academy of dramatic arts.but I do not know until I take the test that tells me what collee I'm going into . but I want to go to the college because it will teach me how to be an actor. And I wat to be in movies and plays.

And there a few reasons why Thoe are my dreams.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, completing few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not have a focused thesis statement or provide details as to how the author intends to support his or her ideas. The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. Essays at this level often provide a lot of unnecessary or unrelated details. In this essay, the author provides details that are only tangentially related to the topic. The ideas discussed do not clearly have anything to do with the thesis. (“I would be the best Dr. Frankenstine ever.I saw my brother in a couple of plays and I would love to be in those plays he hasbeen in.And to be a great actor.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. Most essays at this level do not include at least three main ideas as evidence. This essay does; however, it does not provide nearly enough on-topic detail to support those ideas. Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“I want to be a great stand up comedian. I'm very funny and make up jokes on the spot.But nothing very bad or raciest jokesand sometimes appear in movies.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure, a poor introduction and conclusion, and little use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction, and does little to grab readers’ attention. The introduction includes little background information about the topic. There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (for example, first, second, third, next, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. The conclusion does little to leave readers with something to think about. The conclusion does little to teach readers a lesson. (“ I want to get into a great college. Like the academy of dramatic arts.but I do not know until I take the test that tells me what collee I'm going into .”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor use of language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. Essays at this level often show repetition. Transitions are needed. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ I want to be a great stand up comedian. I'm very funny and make up jokes on the spot.But nothing very bad or raciest jokesand sometimes appear in movies.It would be nice to have allot of fans.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. There are serious problems with mechanics and conventions in this essay, and it does impede meaning at some points. (“I would like to be in a importnt part of a play. One play I would like be important in is Frakenstine. I would be the best Dr. Frankenstine ever.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Three awesome dreams I have are peace, food, and video games. Video games are great and I want to play them all day long. I want peace because there would be no more fighting and there would be sharing.I want food because i like food and im always hungry. i want video games because there fun and im good at them.Those are my three awesome dreams.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not mentioned, and the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Three awesome dreams I have are peace, food, and video games.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. The body paragraphs contain no main ideas. The ideas that are presented are done so in a very brief, unsophisticated manner. (“i want video games because there fun and im good at them.Those are my three awesome dreams.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure. It has no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices is present in the text. The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (for example, first, second, third, next, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ i want video games because there fun and im good at them.Those are my three awesome dreams.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. S entences are short and repetitious . The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay contains major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented at the beginning of a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter.

Your Funniest or Most Embarrassing Experience

We have all had experiences at one time or another that were humorous. Think about your most embarrassing or humorous experience. In a well-developed narrative essay, tell the story of where you were and what happened.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Nice job yesterday Lara." My "friend" said sarcastically as I walked down the school hall.

"Oh my gosh Lara," said a boy from my 5th-6th period class, "you did so great. I wish I was as good as you."

"Hey Lara!" Some boy called behind. I let out a long, heavy sigh and reluctantly turned around. As I did the boy froze in his tracks and pretended to faint.

"You guys are so annoying!" I yelled, "Leave me alone!" and I stormed off into the quad. I became furious. I felt my face burn and my whole body began to shake. Everyone I knew was making fun of me- even my closest friends. You would think my friends would have my back and help me through this dilema, but they were making fun of me too. I just wanted to run away from everyone and hide beneath a rock or become invisible. Having a good reputation in middle school is the key to survival and my reputation just took a huge plunge down into the bottomless pit. Why am I being made fun off, you might be wondering? Well, when you faint in class, right in the middle of class when EVERYONE is staring at you, no one is going to forget it easily.

I was in 6th grade when this horrible incident happened. I'm fine now, no longer embarrassed about it. I laugh about it now when my friends mention it because, truthfully, it is quite humorous. (And I no longer faint when I go up in front of class. On the contrary I love it now), but I won't ever forget it.

It was around March, right after our school’s open house. For my Advance English class we had to create a huge tri-board presentation about any subject we wished to research. (It was a 3-4 month long project so we had better do an outstanding job). I had chosen malaria, a disease transmitted by mosquitoes. It was an easy topic and I found a great deal of information on it, but on that day my teacher gave us, preferably me, the biggest scare of my life.

"Now that open house is over," she began, "I have on last thing for you all to do. Starting next week you will have to come up, in front of class, and give at least a 2-3 minute presentation on your topic." Now, today if my teacher announced that I wouldn't care, but back then in 6th grade I was terrified. I'd never done something like that before! I mean, in 5th grade I've gone up in class, but never to give a huge presentation. The worst part though, was that I was the first victim.

I went home that day mortified.

"Mom!" I screamed as I entered the house, "Mom, my teacher is making up present in front of the whole class!"

"Well that should be fun." She simply replied with a small smile.

"No it's not! It's horrible!" and I ran into my room and locked the door. How could I go through with this? The only thing I could think of was to write in my diary. I began writing furiously. I didn't stop for one little second. I wrote and wrote, and even though my wrist began to ache and cry with every movement I made, I continued to write. I wrote until I couldn't think of what else to write. I felt so much better. Then it hit me- I had nothing to worry about! I knew basically everything about malaria. There was no need to be nervous. So that night I sat down and created my index cards.

"There you go." I thought. "I have nothing to worry about. I'm all set for Monday." I was dead wrong.

For the next few days I didn't sneak one glance at my note cards. I just hung around doing whatever I felt like doing. I laughed at my friends who were freaking out about the presentation and who were going insane because they didn't know what to put on their note cards. This assignment was going to be an easy A+...or so I thought.

The night before the day of the huge presentation I was stressed. Nothing I did could distract me from this haunting worry that hovered around me. I went to bed early that night, tossing and turning and groaning, but I didn't get too much sleep. That morning was even worse. I could feel my heart in my throat; my stomach kept on getting this strange cramps. I ate hardly any breakfast and dashed off to school. All my friends were scared to death about the upcoming event.

"I just know I'm gonna forget how to read." Elisa, my friend, replied.

"Oh please," said Andrew, "This is gonna be easy!" But we could see him shaking.

I tried my best to play it cool. "I don't know why you are all so worried." I nonchalantly sighed. "There's nothing to be worried about. Just pretend you're talking to the walls." I started to feel a little better the rest of the day, but at lunch those queer feeling I had had in the morning came back and I didn't eat a bite. In only half an hour I would be up in front of my class giving a death defying speech. (And I was the first person on the first day!)

I sat down as the tardy bell rang I actually felt relaxed. Some kind of cool pretense fell upon me and my worry was gone; unfortunately my stomach was in agony for not getting any food today and I felt a little light headed.

" All right." Said my teacher. She sat down and gave me her sly, devilish smile. (Oh how much I hated that look. I loved her as a teacher but that look was torture! It was saying "It's time to meet your doom.) "Miss Gutierrez, if you please." I slowly rose from my seat and made my way across the room. I set my tri-board on top of the table and gazed around the room. Big mistake. All I could see were thirty-seven pairs of eyes staring at me. I felt as if they were judging me, whispering, praying, that I would mess up and make a fool of myself. Well, their wish came true.

I began my speech. My voice was a tad bit shaky, but it was going fine. But I still felt strongly light-headed. "Why didn't I eat anything?" I thought. It was too much. The whole room began to swirl and I lost my balance. I was able to spot a chair before everything became blurry. I fell onto the chair and held my held. What was going on? Where was I? I could hear my teacher scurrying around and my classmates speaking in hushed whispers, but it didn't make sense. Before I knew, it the vice principal placed me into a wheelchair and I was sent to the office. "I'm going to die tomorrow." I whispered.

The next day at school I was picked on all day long; and the day after too. I got a second chance, fortunately, on Thursday. I was smart enough to actually practice and rehearse what I had written on my note cards and I felt mildly comfortable. Once again I walked up and began my speech. My classmates made fun of me and made fainting gestures as a spoke, but I ignored them. In my mind I decided that they were jealous. Jealous because I'm brave enough and confidant enough to go up in front of everyone and give my speech again. I did great and felt great. I had accomplished my worst fear.

People still made fun of me though. Even today some people still mention, but I laugh when that memory comes to mind. Picture this: in 6th grade I was horrified to read aloud in class and "fainted" while giving a presentation. Now, in 8th grade, I read aloud almost all the time and I'm the lead in Advance Drama! Who would have imagined that! I've come such a long way. During the same year I had to five another presentation, but that time, I promise, I didn't faint!

"Nice job yesterday Lara."

"Oh my gosh Lara you did so great yesterday. I wish I was as good as you."

I still get these comments, but not for the same reason. I receive them because my peers actually believe that whatever I did, I did great at. I'm so proud at what I have accomplished. I'll never forget that day in 6th grade because it will be a memory I'll want to remember forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

The story states the main event very effectively. (“I was in 6th grade when this horrible incident happened. I'm fine now, no longer embarrassed about it. I laugh about it now when my friends mention it because, truthfully, it is quite humorous. (And I no longer faint when I go up in front of class. On the contrary I love it now), but I won't ever forget it.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. (“The next day at school I was picked on all day long; and the day after too. I got a second chance, fortunately, on Thursday. I was smart enough to actually practice and rehearse what I had written on my note cards and I felt mildly comfortable. Once again I walked up and began my speech. My classmates made fun of me and made fainting gestures as a spoke, but I ingnored them. In my mind I decided that they were jealous. Jealous because I'm brave enough and confidant enought to go up in front of everyone and give my speech again. I did great and felt great. I had accomplished my worst fear.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“The night before the day of the huge presentation I was stressed. Nothing I did could distract me from this haunting worry that hovered around me. I went to bed early that night, tossing and turning and groaning, but I didn't get too much sleep. That morning was even worse. I could feel my heart in my throat; my stomach kept on getting this strange cramps. I ate hardly any breakfast and dashed off to school. All my friends were scared to death about the upcoming event.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen in this story, which provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details very effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. (“I just wanted to run away from everyone and hide beneath a rock or become invisible. Having a good reputation in middle school is the key to survival and my reputation just took a huge plunge down into the bottomless pit. Why am I being made fun off, you might be wondering? Well, when you faint in class, right in the middle of class when EVERYONE is staring at you, no one is going to forget it easily.”)

There is very effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“I slowly rose from my seat and made my way across the room. I set my tri-board on top of the table and gazed around the room. Big mistake. All I could see were thirty-seven pairs of eyes staring at me. I felt as if they were judging me, whispering, praying, that I would mess up and make a fool of myself. Well, their wish came true.”)

Very effective sensory detail develops the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“‘All right.’ Said my teacher. She sat down and gave me her sly, devilish smile. (Oh how much I hated that look. I loved her as a teacher but that look was torture! It was saying ‘It's time to meet your doom.’)”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem. (“‘Nice job yesterday Lara.’ ‘Oh my gosh Lara you did so great yesterday. I wish I was as good as you.’ I still get these comments, but not for the same reason. I receive them because my peers actually believe that whatever I did, I did great at. I'm so proud at what I have accomplished. I'll never forget that day in 6th grade because it will be a memory I'll want to remember forever.”)

Organization

This story displays very effective organization. It captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including exclamations from a character in the story. (“‘Nice job yesterday Lara.’ My ‘friend’ said sarcastically as I walked down the school hall. ‘Oh my gosh Lara,’ said a boy from my 5th-6th period class, ‘you did so great. I wish I was as good as you.’ ‘Hey Lara!’ Some boy called behind. I let out a long, heavy sigh and reluctantly turned around. As I did the boy froze in his tracks and pretended to faint.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“The next day at school I was picked on all day long; and the day after too. I got a second chance, fortunately, on Thursday. I was smart enough to actually practice and rehearse what I had written on my note cards and I felt mildly comfortable. Once again I walked up and began my speech.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected very effectively through the use of dialogue. (“‘Nice job yesterday Lara.’ My ‘friend’ said sarcastically as I walked down the school hall. ‘Oh my gosh Lara,’ said a boy from my 5th-6th period class, ‘you did so great. I wish I was as good as you.’ ‘Hey Lara!’ Some boy called behind. I let out a long, heavy sigh and reluctantly turned around. As I did the boy froze in his tracks and pretended to faint. … ‘Nice job yesterday Lara.’ ‘Oh my gosh Lara you did so great yesterday. I wish I was as good as you.’ I still get these comments, but not for the same reason. I receive them because my peers actually believe that whatever I did, I did great at. I'm so proud at what I have accomplished. I'll never forget that day in 6th grade because it will be a memory I'll want to remember forever.”)

The ending very effectively states a lesson the writer learned from completing the story. (“I still get these comments, but not for the same reason. I receive them because my peers actually believe that whatever I did, I did great at. I'm so proud at what I have accomplished. I'll never forget that day in 6th grade because it will be a memory I'll want to remember forever.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are conveyed in this story. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience with well-structured and varied sentences.

The following two paragraphs are aligned well through language and tone, which show a clear voice with a sense of humor. (“ I was in 6th grade when this horrible incident happened. I'm fine now, no longer embarrassed about it. I laugh about it now when my friends mention it because, truthfully, it is quite humorous. (And I no longer faint when I go up in front of class. On the contrary I love it now), but I won't ever forget it. …It was around March, right after our school’s open house. For my Advance English class we had to create a huge tri-board presentation about any subject we wished to research. (It was a 3-4 month long project so we had better do an outstanding job). I had chosen malaria, a disease transmitted by mosquitoes. It was an easy topic and I found a great deal of information on it, but on that day my teacher gave us, preferably me, the biggest scare of my life.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ The next day at school I was picked on all day long; and the day after too. I got a second chance, fortunately, on Thursday. I was smart enough to actually practice and rehearse what I had written on my note cards and I felt mildly comfortable. Once again I walked up and began my speech. My classmates made fun of me and made fainting gestures as a spoke, but I ignored them. In my mind I decided that they were jealous. Jealous because I'm brave enough and confidant enough to go up in front of everyone and give my speech again. I did great and felt great. I had accomplished my worst fear. …People still made fun of me though. Even today some people still mention, but I laugh when that memory comes to mind. Picture this: in 6th grade I was horrified to read aloud in class and ‘fainted’ while giving a presentation. Now, in 8th grade, I read aloud almost all the time and I'm the lead in Advance Drama! Who would have imagined that! I've come such a long way. During the same year I had to five another presentation, but that time, I promise, I didn't faint!”)

The compound sentence, “ My voice was a tad bit shaky, but it was going fine,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this story, as there are f ew er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I sat down as the tardy bell rang I actually felt relaxed. Some kind of cool pretense fell upon me and my worry was gone; unfortunately my stomach was in agony for not getting any food today and I felt a little light headed.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I have had lots of embarrassing moments. One particular time was really embarrassing. My friend, Laura, had invited me to go to a Christmas Party with her. I thought it would be fun and decided to go.

We arrived at the Christmas party and walked in to find that they had transformed a gym into the town of Bethlehem . They had set up tents, blankets were spread on the ground for people to sit on, and people walked around dressed as shepherds. We walked in and sat down on a blanket. A few minutes later, a man dressed up as a shepherd walked to the front of the gym and announced that we could start eating. Laura and I walked over to the tents and got tortillas, cheese, crackers, grapes, oranges, olives, and other food that they supposedly ate in Bethlehem . We then brought it back to our blanket to eat it.

After filling up on our food we went to throw our plates away. "Where's the garbage can?" asked Laura. "Oh, here it is!" I replied glad that I could get rid of my plate. I tossed it in and started to walk away but then I heard Laura start laughing. "Mazie! That's not the garbage can!"

I turned around, confused. I looked in the garbage can and saw my plate, and the remains of my meal floating in water. I looked up and saw a sign that said, "Bethel Hill Well". I realized that I had dumped my trash in what was meant to represent a well that they would have had in Bethlehem . It felt as if everyone was staring at me; a stranger who had ruined their well. I quickly scooped out the plate and the orange peels. Finally, I found a real garbage can and dumped my dripping plate and food in. I went back to the well and looked in. There were still little pieces of salad floating around but I did not worry about that. I grabbed Laura (who was still laughing hysterically) and dragged her out to the girl's bathroom. She sat down on a toilet, still laughing uncontrollably. "Laura! Please do not tell anyone!" I cried, terribly embarrassed about the mistake I had made. She finally promised not to tell, and we went back to the party.

We listened to a performance, played games, and ate dessert, the whole time I was hoping that no one had noticed the salad still floating in the Bethel Hill Well. After what seemed like an eternity, her parents announced that it was time to go. They took me home and I ran in to tell my mom about the party. She sympathized with me and I went to bed, glad to be able to forget about my embarrassing moment. Today, I can laugh with Laura about what I did at that Christmas Party. It was a very embarrassing moment for me and I will continue to have many more embarrassing moments; but I know that when I do something embarrassing, it will be something that I will laugh about later.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this story demonstrates good focus and meaning with a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. There are descriptions and details present that are all relevant to the story.

The audience for the story is clear. (“I have had lots of embarrassing moments. One particular time was really embarrassing. My friend, Laura, had invited me to go to a Christmas Party with her. I thought it would be fun and decided to go.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“After filling up on our food we went to throw our plates away. ‘Where's the garbage can?’ asked Laura. ‘Oh, here it is!’ I replied glad that I could get rid of my plate. I tossed it in and started to walk away but then I heard Laura start laughing. ‘Mazie! That's not the garbage can!’”)

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed effectively. (“We arrived at the Christmas party and walked in to find that they had transformed a gym into the town of Bethlehem . They had set up tents, blankets were spread on the ground for people to sit on, and people walked around dressed as shepherds.”)

Content & Development

This story shows good use of content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. Tension, conflict, or a problem is established that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“I turned around, confused. I looked in the garbage can and saw my plate, and the remains of my meal floating in water. I looked up and saw a sign that said, ‘Bethel Hill Well’. I realized that I had dumped my trash in what was meant to represent a well that they would have had in Bethlehem . It felt as if everyone was staring at me; a stranger who had ruined their well. I quickly scooped out the plate and the orange peels. Finally, I found a real garbage can and dumped my dripping plate and food in. I went back to the well and looked in. There were still little pieces of salad floating around but I did not worry about that.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem/conflict. (“After filling up on our food we went to throw our plates away. ‘Where's the garbage can?’ asked Laura. ‘Oh, here it is!’ I replied glad that I could get rid of my plate. I tossed it in and started to walk away but then I heard Laura start laughing. ‘Mazie! That's not the garbage can!’”)

The outcome/resolution is effectively described. (“We listened to a performance, played games, and ate dessert, the whole time I was hoping that no one had noticed the salad still floating in the Bethel Hill Well. After what seemed like an eternity, her parents announced that it was time to go. They took me home and I ran in to tell my mom about the party. She sympathized with me and I went to bed, glad to be able to forget about my embarrassing moment. Today, I can laugh with Laura about what I did at that Christmas Party. It was a very embarrassing moment for me and I will continue to have many more embarrassing moments; but I know that when I do something embarrassing, it will be something that I will laugh about later.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent in this story. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The opening excites readers to continue reading, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by foreshadowing what is to come. (“ I have had lots of embarrassing moments. One particular time was really embarrassing. My friend, Laura, had invited me to go to a Christmas Party with her. I thought it would be fun and decided to go.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ After filling up on our food we went to throw our plates away.”)

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“ Today, I can laugh with Laura about what I did at that Christmas Party. It was a very embarrassing moment for me and I will continue to have many more embarrassing moments; but I know that when I do something embarrassing, it will be something that I will laugh about later.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is evident in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent in the use of a clear voice and sentences of varying length. (“ Finally, I found a real garbage can and dumped my dripping plate and food in. I went back to the well and looked in. There were still little pieces of salad floating around but I did not worry about that. I grabbed Laura (who was still laughing hysterically) and dragged her out to the girl's bathroom. She sat down on a toilet, still laughing uncontrollably. ‘Laura! Please do not tell anyone!’ I cried, terribly embarrassed about the mistake I had made. She finally promised not to tell, and we went back to the party.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ After filling up on our food we went to throw our plates away. ‘Where's the garbage can?’ asked Laura. ‘Oh, here it is!’ I replied glad that I could get rid of my plate. I tossed it in and started to walk away but then I heard Laura start laughing. ‘Mazie! That's not the garbage can!’ …I turned around, confused. I looked in the garbage can and saw my plate, and the remains of my meal floating in water. I looked up and saw a sign that said, ‘Bethel Hill Well’. I realized that I had dumped my trash in what was meant to represent a well that they would have had in Bethlehem . It felt as if everyone was staring at me; a stranger who had ruined their well. I quickly scooped out the plate and the orange peels. Finally, I found a real garbage can and dumped my dripping plate and food in. I went back to the well and looked in. There were still little pieces of salad floating around but I did not worry about that. I grabbed Laura (who was still laughing hysterically) and dragged her out to the girl's bathroom. She sat down on a toilet, still laughing uncontrollably. ‘Laura! Please do not tell anyone!’ I cried, terribly embarrassed about the mistake I had made. She finally promised not to tell, and we went back to the party.”)

The complex sentence, “ After what seemed like an eternity, her parents announced that it was time to go,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within this story. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message . For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ I turned around, confused. I looked in the garbage can and saw my plate, and the remains of my meal floating in water. I looked up and saw a sign that said, ‘Bethel Hill Well’.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Have you ever impersonated a famous, comical actor? Well I did with my step-sister Kayla, and we impersonated Urkle. One friday night in march of last year. Nothing really even encouraged it, we were just sitting there playing cards like our usual family game nights and then the presentation of Urkle had began.

It was around 9:30 p.m. down in the living room. Kayla and I went to go put our pajamas on and I accidentally pulled my pants up too high, so she did the same. Then I sat down and my head against the wall and my pony tail got pushed up really high so this all just happened by mistake. My step-mom Terri and my dad just giggled, once we went down stairs. They said we reminded them of urkle, but urkle had glasses so Kayla got my glasses and put them on. Then I got christmas socks that jingled and we danced around the room while singing into the karaoke machine. We were all in smiles.

Then Kayla and I decided to dump out the dirt laundry and put a pair of Terri's work pants on my brother Jarhett. So we stuffed the butt part with other clothing and entered the living room singing the song that says "I like big butts!" so we all went back and danced around the room some more. Later on we grabbed dad and pulled him with us. We stuffed his shirt with dirty laundry and made it look as if he was having a baby. Eventually we pulled out a doll and congradulated them to be brand new parents.

We took the doily off the dining room table, and placed it on dad's head. Then gave him a rose (with thorns) and walk into the room appearing as a bride, because of their wedding being months away. We assumed Terri would get the point that she was to be his groom. But she didn't so we had to pull her up it front of Jarhett, because he was the only person in the adiuence left. And Kayla proformed the wedding. We all got a kick out of that as well.

In the end we were all very tired but laid down to rest with smiles on our faces and memories in our mind.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story provides adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The story states the main event adequately. (“Have you ever impersonated a famous, comical actor? Well I did with my step-sister Kayla, and we impersonated Urkle. One friday night in march of last year. Nothing really even encouraged it, we were just sitting there playing cards like our usual family game nights and then the presentation of Urkle had began.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“It was around 9:30 p.m. down in the living room. Kayla and I went to go put our pajamas on and I accidentally pulled my pants up too high, so she did the same. Then I sat down and my head against the wall and my pony tail got pushed up really high so this all just happened by mistake. My step-mom Terri and my dad just giggled, once we went down stairs. They said we reminded them of urkle, but urkle had glasses so Kayla got my glasses and put them on. Then I got christmas socks that jingled and we danced around the room while singing into the karaoke machine. We were all in smiles.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are adequately developed. (“Then Kayla and I decided to dump out the dirt laundry and put a pair of Terri's work pants on my brother Jarhett. So we stuffed the butt part with other clothing and entered the living room singing the song that says "I like big butts!" so we all went back and danced around the room some more. Later on we grabbed dad and pulled him with us. We stuffed his shirt with dirty laundry and made it look as if he was having a baby. Eventually we pulled out a doll and congradulated them to be brand new parents.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in this story. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. Tension, conflict, or a problem is established that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“Then Kayla and I decided to dump out the dirt laundry and put a pair of Terri's work pants on my brother Jarhett. So we stuffed the butt part with other clothing and entered the living room singing the song that says ‘I like big butts!’ so we all went back and danced around the room some more. Later on we grabbed dad and pulled him with us. We stuffed his shirt with dirty laundry and made it look as if he was having a baby. Eventually we pulled out a doll and congradulated them to be brand new parents.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“Then Kayla and I decided to dump out the dirt laundry and put a pair of Terri's work pants on my brother Jarhett. So we stuffed the butt part with other clothing and entered the living room singing the song that says ‘I like big butts!’ so we all went back and danced around the room some more. Later on we grabbed dad and pulled him with us. We stuffed his shirt with dirty laundry and made it look as if he was having a baby. Eventually we pulled out a doll and congradulated them to be brand new parents.”)

There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“It was around 9:30 p.m. down in the living room. Kayla and I went to go put our pajamas on and I accidentally pulled my pants up too high, so she did the same. Then I sat down and my head against the wall and my pony tail got pushed up really high so this all just happened by mistake. My step-mom Terri and my dad just giggled, once we went down stairs.”)

Organization

This story demonstrates adequate organization. Readers will find an interesting opening that will keep them reading. The story also generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including a question. (“ Have you ever impersonated a famous, comical actor? Well I did with my step-sister Kayla, and we impersonated Urkle. One friday night in march of last year. Nothing really even encouraged it, we were just sitting there playing cards like our usual family game nights and then the presentation of Urkle had began.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“Then Kayla and I decided to dump out the dirt laundry and put a pair of Terri's work pants on my brother Jarhett. … In the end we were all very tired but laid down to rest with smiles on our faces and memories in our mind.”)

The ending includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“ In the end we were all very tired but laid down to rest with smiles on our faces and memories in our mind.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are apparent in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ It was around 9:30 p.m. down in the living room. Kayla and I went to go put our pajamas on and I accidentally pulled my pants up too high, so she did the same. Then I sat down and my head against the wall and my pony tail got pushed up really high so this all just happened by mistake. My step-mom Terri and my dad just giggled, once we went down stairs. They said we reminded them of urkle, but urkle had glasses so Kayla got my glasses and put them on. Then I got christmas socks that jingled and we danced around the room while singing into the karaoke machine. We were all in smiles.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the use of “dump” and “kick.” (“ Then Kayla and I decided to dump out the dirt laundry and put a pair of Terri's work pants on my brother Jarhett. … We all got a kick out of that as well.”)

There are few exact/specific words related to the prompt task, such as the words “humorous” or “embarrassing.” (“ In the end we were all very tired but laid down to rest with smiles on our faces and memories in our mind.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story’s writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ They said we reminded them of urkle, but urkle had glasses so Kayla got my glasses and put them on. Then I got christmas socks that jingled and we danced around the room while singing into the karaoke machine. We were all in smiles.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

First to begin with it the bell had just ringed for everyone to go to their next class which was 5th period. The name of my teacher who I had that period was Mr. T and in his class we were getting ready to work on our handy helper packets for him to see how much we have learning by paying attention to him. So everybody came in and set down so we can start class.

Next he picked two people to pass out the handy helper packets and a sheet of paper for each person so that we could write our answers on there. So as everyone begin to work I started to feel sleepy because I was already sick because I had a headache, and a cold. So I just put my head down for like a minute or two and then set back up and started doing my work.

Last but not least I started to fall to sleep again, when I put my head down that time I fell asleep because I couldn't stay wake any longer. While I was sleeping the bell had done ringed for everyone to go to six period. So when I woke up I seen some faces that wasn't supose to be in my class, then it made me wonder if I was in the wrong class so then I asked them what are ya'll doing in my class, they replied by saying were not in the wrong class you are so then I had to rush and pack up all my stuff and go to six period. I will always remember that embarrassing moment.

I learned that next time if I get sick to stay home because I don't won't to fall assleep agian in class.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are conveyed through this story. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is limited. (“First to begin with it the bell had just ringed for everyone to go to their next class which was 5th period. The name of my teacher who I had that period was Mr. T and in his class we were getting ready to work on our handy helper packets for him to see how much we have learning by paying attention to him. So everybody came in and set down so we can start class.”)

The audience for the story is not always clear. (“First to begin with it the bell had just ringed for everyone to go to their next class which was 5th period. The name of my teacher who I had that period was Mr. T and in his class we were getting ready to work on our handy helper packets for him to see how much we have learning by paying attention to him. So everybody came in and set down so we can start class.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Next he picked two people to pass out the handy helper packets and a sheet of paper for each person so that we could write our answers on there. So as everyone begin to work I started to feel sleepy because I was already sick because I had a headache, and a cold. So I just put my head down for like a minute or two and then set back up and started doing my work.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are provided in this story. A dequately developed plot, setting, and characters are shown, but the story lacks sufficient detail to make this more than just a summary of what happens. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated, but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“Next he picked two people to pass out the handy helper packets and a sheet of paper for each person so that we could write our answers on there. So as everyone begin to work I started to feel sleepy because I was already sick because I had a headache, and a cold. So I just put my head down for like a minute or two and then set back up and started doing my work.”)

There is limited sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“First to begin with it the bell had just ringed for everyone to go to their next class which was 5th period. The name of my teacher who I had that period was Mr. T and in his class we were getting ready to work on our handy helper packets for him to see how much we have learning by paying attention to him. So everybody came in and set down so we can start class.”)

There is limited information about what happened during the event. (“Last but not least I started to fall to sleep again, when I put my head down that time I fell asleep because I couldn't stay wake any longer. While I was sleeping the bell had done ringed for everyone to go to six period. So when I woke up I seen some faces that wasn't supose to be in my class, then it made me wonder if I was in the wrong class so then I asked them what are ya'll doing in my class, they replied by saying were not in the wrong class you are so then I had to rush and pack up all my stuff and go to six period. I will always remember that embarrassing moment.”)

Organization

Limited organization is exhibited in this story. The writer fails to provide an adequate opening; in fact, it seems as if the story starts without an introductory paragraph. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, yet the story provides readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ First to begin with it the bell had just ringed for everyone to go to their next class which was 5th period. The name of my teacher who I had that period was Mr. T and in his class we were getting ready to work on our handy helper packets for him to see how much we have learning by paying attention to him. So everybody came in and set down so we can start class.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Next he picked two people to pass out the handy helper packets and a sheet of paper for each person so that we could write our answers on there. So as everyone begin to work I started to feel sleepy because I was already sick because I had a headache, and a cold. So I just put my head down for like a minute or two and then set back up and started doing my work.”)

The ending attempts to teach the readers a lesson. (“ I learned that next time if I get sick to stay home because I don't won't to fall assleep agian in class.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are seen in this story. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice along with some awareness of audience and control of voice. S imple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice are also seen throughout.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ So when I woke up I seen some faces that wasn't supose to be in my class, then it made me wonder if I was in the wrong class so then I asked them what are ya'll doing in my class, they replied by saying were not in the wrong class you are so then I had to rush and pack up all my stuff and go to six period. I will always remember that embarrassing moment.”)

There is repetition; the word “because” is used twice in the following sentence: “ So as everyone begin to work I started to feel sleepy because I was already sick because I had a headache, and a cold.”

The style is not formal, as the word “like” is used, which resembles casual spoken language rather than the language of formal writing. (“ So I just put my head down for like a minute or two and then set back up and started doing my work.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within the story. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), that each sentence begins with a capital letter, and that each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“So when I woke up I seen some faces that wasn't supose to be in my class, then it made me wonder if I was in the wrong class so then I asked them what are ya'll doing in my class, they replied by saying were not in the wrong class you are so then I had to rush and pack up all my stuff and go to six period.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

A funny experience was when I went to a store and a lady told my dad "what a cute little girl." It was when I was five years old i had my hair like a mushroom and I didn't like it because i looked like a girl, my dad said I didn't.On saturday my dad took me to the store and some lady told my dad "oh what cute little girl what is her name." Then my dad said "he is a boy.

the lady said "oh i am sorry." then i was so mad i scream "I am not a girl!" so the lady walked away. while we were at the store my dad told me that why was i mean to the lady, she just made a mistake. so when we see her again you say your sorry.When we saw her i told her that i was sorry

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates minimal focus and meaning, with a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Descriptions and details are provided that may even stray from the point of the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated only minimally. (“A funny experience was when I went to a store and a lady told my dad ‘what a cute little girl.’ It was when I was five years old i had my hair like a mushroom and I didn't like it because i looked like a girl, my dad said I didn't.On saturday my dad took me to the store and some lady told my dad ‘oh what cute little girl what is her name.’ Then my dad said ‘he is a boy.’”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“‘the lady said ‘oh i am sorry.’ then i was so mad i scream ‘I am not a girl!’ so the lady walked away. while we were at the store my dad told me that why was i mean to the lady, she just made a mistake. so when we see her again you say your sorry.When we saw her i told her that i was sorry”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“A funny experience was when I went to a store and a lady told my dad ‘what a cute little girl.’ It was when I was five years old i had my hair like a mushroom and I didn't like it because i looked like a girl, my dad said I didn't.On saturday my dad took me to the store and some lady told my dad ‘oh what cute little girl what is her name.’ Then my dad said ‘he is a boy.’”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are provided in this story, which features a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from it. The story also lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“A funny experience was when I went to a store and a lady told my dad ‘what a cute little girl.’ It was when I was five years old i had my hair like a mushroom and I didn't like it because i looked like a girl, my dad said I didn't.On saturday my dad took me to the store and some lady told my dad ‘oh what cute little girl what is her name.’ Then my dad said ‘he is a boy.’”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“A funny experience was when I went to a store and a lady told my dad ‘what a cute little girl.’ It was when I was five years old i had my hair like a mushroom and I didn't like it because i looked like a girl, my dad said I didn't.On saturday my dad took me to the store and some lady told my dad ‘oh what cute little girl what is her name.’ Then my dad said ‘he is a boy.’”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“the lady said ‘oh i am sorry.’ then i was so mad i scream ‘I am not a girl!’ so the lady walked away. while we were at the store my dad told me that why was i mean to the lady, she just made a mistake. so when we see her again you say your sorry.When we saw her i told her that i was sorry”)

Organization

This story is only minimally organized. The writer provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The story also demonstrates little evidence of an ending.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“A funny experience was when I went to a store and a lady told my dad ‘what a cute little girl.’ It was when I was five years old i had my hair like a mushroom and I didn't like it because i looked like a girl, my dad said I didn't.On saturday my dad took me to the store and some lady told my dad ‘oh what cute little girl what is her name.’ Then my dad said ‘he is a boy.’”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Then my dad said ‘he is a boy.’”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“the lady said ‘oh i am sorry.’ then i was so mad i scream ‘I am not a girl!’ so the lady walked away. while we were at the store my dad told me that why was i mean to the lady, she just made a mistake. so when we see her again you say your sorry.When we saw her i told her that i was sorry”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is shown in this brief story. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ It was when I was five years old i had my hair like a mushroom and I didn't like it because i looked like a girl, my dad said I didn't.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ Then my dad said ‘he is a boy. the lady said ‘oh i am sorry.’”)

There is repetition, with the word “sorry” repeated twice. (“ so when we see her again you say your sorry.When we saw her i told her that i was sorry”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this story demonstrates only minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not, for example, make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), that each sentence begins with a capital letter, and that each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“the lady said ‘oh i am sorry.’ then i was so mad i scream ‘I am not a girl!’ so the lady walked away. while we were at the store my dad told me that why was i mean to the lady, she just made a mistake. so when we see her again you say your sorry.When we saw her i told her that i was sorry”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me". Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story provides inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are not stated. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are shown. The story l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is seen in this story. The story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

The story demonstrates no ending. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate use of language and style is conveyed in this story. The piece demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

Exact words are missing. (“ I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went.”)

The style is not formal. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates inadequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), that each sentence begins with a capital letter, and that each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“‘Omg... This is the worst day ever I cant belive this has happen to me’. Have you ever had an embarrassing or humorous experience? I have a hand ful of ups and downs that are humorous and embarrassing but the one that was not is funny is when I sit in some red powerad this si how it went. I had on my nice light blue pants but when I got to lunch I sit down in some stupid red powerad I was”)

Page tree

Middle_School_Narrative_Models_May_2014 revised.doc